Never Again by NickysAngelBaby
Story Notes:

Just a Nick/Kevin slash drabble/short story. Feedback, whatever it may be, would be greatly appreciated. Enjoy! :)

Chapter 1 by NickysAngelBaby
Author's Notes:

 

"No, you know what, Nick? This whole thing," Kevin said, using his hands to make air quotes and emphasizing the word 'thing'. "Is so fucking stupid. What, did you think this was actually going to work?" He laughed. "Please. We were just fucking around. Nothing more. You know that. Stop trying to act like we were in love or something."

Nick looked at him with unshed tears glistening in his eyes, shaking. Shaking with unbearable sadness, and what he's pretty sure was nausea. There were so many things going through his head right now, he was afraid he'd throw up right there on the hotel carpet.

"Kevin," he started, his voice small and quivering. "You know you don't mean that. I know you don't mean that. I know you. I KNOW you love me. I feel it. I see it in your eyes when you look at me. I can feel it in every fiber of my being when we make love. Please don't push me away. Don't do this to us."

Kevin snorted. "Us?! There is no US, Nick. There never was. And certainly not now. And you know me? No you fucking don't. You THINK you do. You may know insignificant things like what my favorite kind of sandwich is and that I prefer cats over dogs, or that I can't stand the feeling of feathers against my skin, but you don't know ME. The REAL me. I thought you did, but I was sorely mistaken. You want to know who I am, Nick? I'll tell you who I am. I'm someone who can't ever stop thinking about you, morning noon and night. I'm fucking crazy about you, and I can't even imagine myself being with anyone else. On stage and in interviews, I wonder how long I can hold off before I lose my resolve completely and end up attacking you and kissing you senseless in front of everyone. I fall asleep every night with you in my arms and I think to myself how lucky I am to have someone like you. There's an ache so deep inside of me when we're in public and I can't touch you and show the world how crazy I am about you. I've done EVERYTHING for you since this whole thing between us started, and I couldn't possibly imagine what my life would be like if I couldn't kiss you anymore, touch you anymore, make love to you anymore. You want to know who I am, Nickolas?"

Nick winced at the usage of his full name. He knew how angry Kevin was. He only called him Nickolas when he was seething, or hurt, and this time definitely counted as both.

"I'll tell you who I am. I'm a man that has gone to bed for the past week and a half every night hoping that I wouldn't wake up the next morning, knowing that the pain would be too much to bear. That felt everything inside of me die when I found out you slept with Josh. Who knows that someone who loved me as much as I love you would never, EVER do something like that to me."

Nick was openly sobbing now, and Kevin has tears streaming down his face, as well.

Kevin stepped forward and cupped his hand around Nick's cheek. Nick leaned into it, closing his eyes and relishing in Kevin's touch, his smell, his warmth, knowing this could very well be the last time he'd get to have any of that.

Kevin continued speaking, but lowered his voice, almost to a whisper.

"Everything inside of me broke into a million pieces when I realized that all we've had and worked so hard for the past two years for had been a lie. My trust in you disappeared in mere seconds, and I felt so deeply betrayed, that words cannot even begin to express. I felt so foolish to have believed you when you said you loved me too, and that you would never be the person that Kristin was. I'll never be able to look at you the same way again. This is over, Nick. There's no going back. What we had, it's done. You made sure of that."

Nick opened his eyes and looked up at Kevin. He eyes bore holes straight through Kevin, and the pain that filled them was too much for Kevin to handle. He had to look away for fear he would break down. He had to be strong. Had to protect himself. He took a deep breath and forced himself to continue. If he didn't say this now, he didn't know if he ever would. He took his hand away and felt Nick's entire being crumble at the loss of his touch.

"We will continue to be in this group together, we'll still sing on stage together every night, we will joke around in interviews and photo shoots so the fans don't see that anything is wrong, but I will never be able to feel close to you again. I will always care about you, and you know that if you ever need anything, I will be here for you, but this part of our lives is done. You made your choice, and I cannot continue to be with you knowing that you were in the arms of another. Knowing that you didn't care enough about me, about us...That's simply too much to bear. I can't open my heart to you any longer. You will always have a special place in my heart, Nick. I will never forget what we had together."

Nick physically jerked back at the word "had". He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Hard. This couldn't be happening. It simply can't be. He had to sit down. The room was starting to spin and his breakfast was really threatening to come back up now. He sat down on the bed and looked up at Kevin. At the man whom he'd give his life for if necessary. This beautiful human being who had been there for him when no one else was, in ways that no one else COULD be. Who now hated him, distrusted him, and looked at him through a different set of eyes. He loved Kevin so much that sometimes it hurt him, and now, he would no longer get to call him his boyfriend, because he couldn't seem to handle himself like a fucking adult. He had to get drunk and ruin the best thing he's ever had in his life. He'd never forgive himself. Ever. Sobs were now wracking his body but he had to keep listening. Had to give Kevin the opportunity to say all of this. The least he could do is give him enough respect for that, right?

Kevin looked down at Nick and whatever was left inside of his heart to break, broke at the sight of him. He was sitting on the hotel bed in near hysterics, shaking and face mirroring the same pain Kevin had been dealing with for the past week. All he wanted to do was run to Nick, scoop him up and hold him. Kiss him and tell him that it's okay, I forgive you, just please stop crying. Please stop looking at me like that. God, it hurts so much to see you like this. Please, stop crying. Kevin near collapsed as the sheer weight of the reality of the situation came down heavily upon him. He couldn't go to Nick. He couldn't. This is what's for the best. There was obviously no one else who was going to protect him, so he had to protect himself. And continuing to stay with Nick would only prove to be extremely detrimental to his emotional health in the long run. This is what he had to do. He choked down a sob and forced himself to stand his ground and finish this.

"I will never stop loving you, Nicky. But I cannot allow myself to get hurt anymore. I don't hate you. I never could." He forced a weak smile. "However, you took the trust and the love I have for you, and you abused it. And that is simply unacceptable. You'll get over me. In time, things will get better. You'll move on, find someone new, and all of this will be a thing of the past."

Nick couldn't stay quiet anymore. "No, Kevin, please! I don't WANT to move on! I don't WANT to find someone else. I only want you! Please, baby. We can work this out. I know we can. We're so good together. Let me make this right. I can make this right again, Kevin. Please let me. Please!" He was not above begging at this point. He was hysterical now, crying harder than he ever had before, waving his arms around frantically, his voice getting louder and louder as he continued.

"Nick. Nick!!" Kevin yelled and grabbed both of Nick's upper arms. "Look at me. LOOK. AT. ME." Nick quieted down and looked at Kevin, almost childlike and pathetically whimpering. "Enough. This is over. I have made up my mind. I'm sorry, Nick. I'm sorry. The last thing in the world that I want to do is hurt you, but the hurt you caused me is indescribable, and I cannot stay with you feeling like that." Kevin lowered his voice and let go of Nick. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He leaned in and brushed his lips over Nick's, wanting one last time to feel what it was like. He heard the sharp intake of breath from Nick and closed his eyes, knowing exactly what he was feeling. Knowing that everything that flooded through him within that moment had been felt by Nick, as well. He stepped back, looked at Nick one last time, gathered up every once of strength he had, and walked to the door. He paused before opening it, hearing Nick softly crying behind him. But only for a moment did he falter. He grabbed the door handle and pulled it, knowing that as soon as he walked out, it was all really over. This was it. One last chance to change his mind. No. No, this had to be done. He slumped his shoulders and stepped into the dimly lit hallway, pulling the door shut behind him, knowing that this would hurt more than anything he had ever experienced before. Was he ready for it? Hell no. Did he still love Nick? Absolutely. But he had to take a stand for who he was. Finally. He looked at the front of Nick's hotel door, and slowly lifted his hand up to trace the 4 and the 2 that hung there in cheap, gold-painted plastic. The numbers seemed to burn into his very skin. He dropped his hand and turned to leave. It was you, Nick. It was you who chose to end it like you did. Never again.



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