Loose Ends by mersey
Part 1: Nick ~ I Remember Cowboys by mersey
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid



I dreaded for today. Months before today came, my heart felt unsettled. Not a day went by that I wasn't subconsciously being reminded that I was another day nearer to today. The very moment that pearly pink envelope landed in my hand, I knew it was bad news for me.


I didn't want to be here.


"Well, that was a nice wedding, don't you think?"


I didn't know who Kevin had meant that to, so I looked around the table, waiting for someone to speak up.


Four familiar faces from distant memories that had turned into strangers today.


"Beautiful. Marcus must be planning to stay married to her forever to spend this much."


I saw Brian smiling, I think he understood what AJ was trying to say perfectly well. "That was the plan."


"Well, considering our family tree, I wish him all the best." Howie spoke up. It got them laughing. Uncomfortable laughter though. I joined in.


"She seems perfect for my brother, I think they'll do much better than our family." Brian said after the laughter subsided. I took a quick sip of the white wine, knowing my limits. Well, Brian was drinking Evian, I wasn't the weirdest in the crowd after all.


"They always started out perfect." Howie said. I bit my inner bottom lip. That, or I start lashing out at our smart ass cousin whom I had lost contact with for the past ten years.


"I really hope they're different." Brian said.


AJ snickered at that. "You're always the dreamer Brian."


"Says who?" Brian was getting defensive, and if we're not careful, this 'beautiful' occasion could turn ugly. Funny how everywhere around us, people were laughing and some waltzing on the dance floor to some wedding music I wasn't too familiar with. I didn't think I knew half of those people I should call relatives.


"Remember when we used to play weddings?" Kevin chuckled. I felt myself smiling. Don't I remember?


"Your sister could be very bossy when it comes to that." I said, taking another sip of the wine, longer this time, when I realized I had said that out loud.


Kevin laughed. "She still is…and I remember her forcing Brian to be the groom cause apparently, Brian's the nice one."


"She made you marry all her girlfriends." Howie laughed.


"Nick and I always ended up being the flower boys!" AJ groaned. I felt myself blushing at that.


"I remember telling my mom I want a sister so you guys could get her to be the flower girl." I said. AJ nodded his head vigorously.


"Me too!"


"Oh, and don't forget cowboys." Brian said, eyes lighting up at the memory.


I remember cowboys.


Whenever I felt trapped or lonely in my sleep, I would remember cowboys. Those were good days.


There were Marcus, Jaime, Kyle, Josh, Alicia and Jessica, the oldest cousins. They hang around in a bunch and always seemed to be doing the cool stuff. They went fishing or treasure hunting out in the woods right at the backyard of our grandparents' house.


Then there were Kevin, Howie, Brian, AJ and I, the younger cousins who hang out together wishing that we could join them in their adventures.


The youngest cousins would be my brother Aaron, Max, Jordan, Johnny, Maia and Majandra. They were either in diapers or still clinging on to mother or daddy dearest.


On Kyle's 10th birthday, we met again in our grandparents' house and AJ came with a really cool looking cowboy hat. We crowded around him, I remember feeling so jealous. I wanted that hat for as long as I could remember. But mom and dad never bought me one.


We decided to play cowboys. The game was simple really. The cowboy gets to wear the hat while the others are wanted criminals on the run. I distinctly remember AJ patting that hat on my head and said 'You're it!' and they started running for dear life.


They hated being the cowboy because the cowboy had to go around chasing people. I loved being the Cowboy. It made me feel important.


"Yeah, I remember." Kevin said, breaking my thoughts.


"I always thought that hat was cool." Howie said.


"Would be much cooler if they sell it in leopard print." AJ said. He had always been the strange one. Even today. Everyone had white suites on, it was the dress code. AJ had black suite to go with his black cap and told everyone he honestly thought it said 'black suite' in the card. We knew it was a lie though.


"Right." Brian said, rolling his eyes. "So, where's AC? Didn't think I see him today."


"Maria's dad's having a party or something." I replied.


"So? This is his family, he should be here man."


I wasn't too sure about that. How long had it been? Ever since dad packed our stuff and told us we were moving out when I was six. Mom wasn't going with us. Somehow, it didn't surprise me. The yelling, the fighting, it was bound to happen.


And then Maria came into the picture. She hated me the very second we met. She didn't have to have it verbalize for me to understand that the future looked bleak for me. She treated Aaron nicely though, which got on my nerve for the rest of the years that I was to stay in the same house as my father and his new wife.


"He got school anyway, so he can't fly here." I said, wanting to explain for my brother. The brother whom sometimes, I didn't even think I know anymore. It wasn't entirely his fault though. I guess he was more at peace with himself. Not caring of what happened to our parents and what Maria had brought into our second family. He accepted things were just the way they are because it was just the way it had to be. I couldn't do that.


I had too much anger.


"I heard you got a pad now." Brian said to me. I nodded, feeling a smile creeping up on the corners of my lips. My haven.


"It’s a small apartment with four other guys, not really a pad. More like a place to sleep at night."


"I'm in College like you too, but I'm still with my parents." Brian groaned.


I don't understand why Brian found it such a bad thing. We seemed to have this idea that we're old enough to live on our own once we got into College. We're only eighteen for God's sake. If you really think about it, we're still young.


I wish I could go home after school to my parents. Have them ask me how my day went and we would have dinner together, sharing our little private moment together. We would laugh at stupid jokes and make fun of each other.


Or maybe I felt that way because I never have that kind of a family.


"I think it's cool. At least there's someone to take care of you if you fall sick or something." I said.


The table grew silent. I wonder why.


Then Kevin had to speak up.


"I heard stuff from Jane before…about you being sick. Is that true?"


Jane, the mother I longed for but couldn't have.


"She's probably right." I said.


"Yeah, I heard her talked to my mom several times about it too. Said you were in hospital and stuff, I can't remember much, it was a long time ago." Brian said.


It was a long time ago. When I was seven to be exact.


I woke up with sharp pains on the right side of my abdomen. I couldn't remember much of anything other than the pain. I think I dragged myself to the kitchen to find father. I found Maria instead. I distinctly remembered telling her that I had a tummy ache and I wanted to see a doctor.


Carrots and celery.


She was chopping carrots and celery.


The next scene I saw was Maria waving the huge knife at me, her face like one of those monsters I watched in Scooby Doo.


"Call Jane and get her to send you there, understand? Or I'll poke your tummy with this!" And she pointed the knife right on my abdomen, just inches away from contact.


I remembered nodding and dragged myself back to the living room, unsure if I could make it back in time. I did, miraculously, and had somehow dialled mom's number. I remembered it by heart. I would often call her secretly when Maria was busy. I asked her to come and take me back, but she always said that I would be safer with father and that Aaron needed me.


The next thing I knew, mom was kicking at the front door and Maria was telling me to keep my mouth shut. But mom knew I was inside and kept kicking at the door, threatening to call the police if she didn't. Maria finally opened the door.


A fist on her face.


Mom had it right on her left eye. She started yelling and kicking and Maria wasn't about to stand there and took the punches. In the middle of the shouting and kicking and tearing each other's clothes off, I slipped out of the house barefooted and ran.


I knew where to go. Brian's house. They lived only a few blocks way from us but father rarely let me hang around him much after we left mom. Dad told us that mom was a bad person and that her family was bad for us. I told him that Maria was bad too. I got a slap for that. I never told him what I thought of our step-mother again.


Aunt Becky opened the door and immediately I was wrapped up in her warmth. I told her about mom and Maria and Uncle Shaun immediately sped away in the family wagon, going back to father's house.


"My tummy hurts." I said, and she made me lay back on Brian's bed and told me everything was going to be okay. She left the room and I found Brian sitting next to me, holding my hand. He was seven too, and had no idea what was going on. But I had to give credit to him for being so calm.


Aunt Becky came back with what she told me was ointment that would make me feel a lot better. She started massaging my stomach and whispered to me not to cry, that I would be okay. I told her I wanted to kill myself.


I even had it all planned.


I would hang my skipping rope from the top bunk of our bed and hang myself. I would leave behind a note for mom and dad. I even had the note memorized in my head. I was going to blame mom for cheating on dad and not wanting to take me back. And I would blame dad for loving his new wife more than Aaron and I. I blamed him for slapping me but did nothing every time Maria landed her hands on me. I blame God for giving me such parents.


"Don't say that Nicky, you'll be all right now. Go to sleep okay baby?" And then she sang to me. I believed her. I wanted to believe her.


But I woke up to a nightmare that never went away. And that little tummy ache I had would haunt me up to this day.


I took one final gulp of the wine and called the waiter for another glass. I knew I was going to pay for the consequences later, but for now, I just wanted to forget.


"It's true, years ago. I'm okay now."

A/n: Hi guys! Okay, to make things clearer for you, all 5 BSB are cousins. All are 18 years of age except for Kevin who is 20. This story will be told in POV of all 5 guys and will be divided into 5 parts. Part 1 is Nick, so for the next few chapters, it will be his POV. Hope that clears up stuff for you =)

Now on with the next chappie!


This story archived at http://absolutechaos.net/viewstory.php?sid=1779