Date: 02/24/12 10:55 am Title: Chapter 1
You asked me to read it so here goes:
I think you've done a good job, but to be honest you need a beta reader or someone to edit, it was a bit hard to read. It sounds like an interesting story yet there were a lot of errors. Plus, I think a bit more detail, perhaps a bit more information would really help you :) But I do think you're doing a good job.