It was the day before Christmas and we were doing an appearance at a radio show in honor of the holiday before splitting and going our separate ways. Brian was rambunctious, as he usually got just before major religious holidays. He kept poking my arm and shifting his weight from one butt cheek to the other. AJ was antsy, too. Even Howie was a little distracted, texting Leigh while he sat in the seat in front of me. I think I was the only one not excited for the "break".

I was the only one that knew this was likely the last time I'd be -- you know, 30. The next time the Backstreet Boys did an interview... it would be sans me. Probably reporting a "tragedy" to the fans. Probably cancelling a tour because I was gone. Vanished, they would know - but they'd say otherwise to everyone else.

I wondered if Brian would wonder.

"So how are you guys planning to spend the holidays?" asked the DJ - a rotund man with a wide smile and big ass nostrils.

"With family," Howie and Brian said simultaneously. They shot each other the yeah, we're siamese twins grin and Brian offered D a high-five.

"I'm doing a couple solo concerts out in Cali," AJ answered, "In early January..." he shrugged, as though he'd answered the question.

The DJ looked at me, just as his commercial break lights started flashing. "Guess we'll hear from Nick when we get back from break," he smiled, "Right after this."

Truth was, I was relieved.

I didn't have an answer. I wasn't doing a whole lot for break. Well, nothing I could share with a billion people anyways. I was going to New York. I was going to the house that Claire and I had last lived in together. I was tracking down our past in hopes that she would do the same.

Brian nudged me, "You okay? You seem... distant."

"Just thinking," I answered.

When the DJ came back from commercial, he'd forgotten all about the fact that he'd never gotten my response to the holiday question and he launched into talks about the new album - an album I didn't think I'd get to work on - and the rumors of a new tour that were supposedly going to follow it up with.

Somehow it made me sadder. I mean I knew all along that eventually, one day, there would come a day when I'd be laying down plans, fabricating future storylines, and never getting to see them fulfilled.

I'd convinced myself time and again that that time was far, far away.... but now... it was very much arrived.

"Okay, so we're gonna take some call-ins with some fans," the DJ said excitedly, "Are you guys ready?"

"Ready, ready," chirped Brian, shifting left to right and back again.

"Okay, our first call is from Riley in Missouri," announced the DJ. "Riley, you're on the air with the Backstreet Boys!"

"Oh my God," stammered a stunned sounding girl's voice. "Oh wow. Um... Hi guys!"

"Hey Riley," we all chimed at once.

"Oh my God," she giggled, then launched into a story about her family and how much our music meant to her. I stared blankly in the general direction of the microphone we were supposed to speak into, my eyes unfocused. It wasn't that I didn't care what Riley was saying... Really. I did care. That was exactly it. It was killing me to think that Riley - some girl from Missouri that I'd never even met - was going to think that I'd died a month after she spoke to me on the phone.

It killed me to think I was leaving them... the fans.

Brian eyed me warily from the side as we listened to Riley speak and AJ respond to a compliment from her.

"Okay, next up - Tom from Alaska. You're on air with the Backstreet Boys."

"Hey Tom," Howie greeted him.

"Hey Howie... I'm from Juno..." he had a thick accent. I rubbed my palms together and tried to concentrate.

"My girlfriend of five years is at home right now, no doubt listening to this... and.. um... I was wondering if you - you might call her for me... one of you...and... Well, I have a question for her."

AJ grinned and whipped out his cell phone.

Fifteen minutes later, Tom from Alaska had proposed to screaming Alicia from Alaska and Jenny from North Dakota had professed her undying love for Brian. I'd been told by Kelsie in Texas that my ass was looking great recently and Debra from Oakland was excited to hear we were doing a new album with more R&B to it.

The DJ looked at the switchboard. "Okay, last call --- and Claire, you're on the air with the Backstreet Boys."

"Hello? Nick?"

I froze.

Brian's eyes were wide.

"Claire? Hello?" the DJ smiled, "Claire, where are you from, sweetie?"

"Nick????"

"Claire?" I gasped.

"Nick??!? Oh my God, it's you!"

"Claire!" I couldn't breathe. I'd know that voice anywhere. I leaped up from my seat, knocking it backwards into the wall, nearly stepping on AJ. Brian jumped out of the way. "Claire, where are you I'm coming now. Where are you?"

"Nick! Nick, I'm ---" and the call disconnected.

The DJ's face, contorted with confusion, tapped the line button a couple times, "Hello? Claire, you there, honey?" he asked. But the line was dead.

I looked at Brian.

"We apologize for the glitch, folks," the DJ muttered, "I guess we're having technical difficulties..."

"It was her," I said to Brian.

His eyes were wide.

"It was her," I repeated.