FLASH FORWARD


"Do you know why we're here Nick?"

Her voice echoed from every direction. I turned, desperate, trying to see where it was coming from. My heart slammed in my chest, pounding a tattoo that I was certain she could hear... wherever she was.

"I don't even know where we are!" I cried, panic rising through me, like the bile in my throat.

"Nick, Nick, Nick," her voice, condescending and full of pity, moved around the room, surrounding me, engulfing me entirely.

I moved frantically through the dark, only to find my hands up against a wall. I crept along it, one hand over the other, searching for a way out. There had to be something here.

"You've never really known what was best for you, Nick," she said, and suddenly her voice wasn't surrounding me. It was directly behind me, in my ear, in fact. Her hand closed over my shoulder, and my blood ran cold, like ice through my system. "You've never recognized that I was what was best for you... even after all this time."

"Please," I whispered, my breath heavy, "I just want to go home."

Her laughter was loud and cold. It sent shivers down my spine and through the walls. It was a terrible, unearthly sound. "Ohhh Nick," she crooned, "Don't you see? You already are."

JAPANESE NIGHTCLUB


It all started at a nightclub in Japan.

The lights were flashing bright green and hot pink, in spokes that reminded me of light sabers. The music boomed so loud I thought it was actually inside of my head instead of surrounding me. You could feel it in the floor, shaking like an earthquake. This was my element, a place where music controlled the senses. It was the sort of place that I’d always escaped to, even as a child, when my parents owned the Yankee Rebel in upstate New York.

I was single for the first time in awhile. I’d just broken off a long-term relationship the month before. And by long term, I mean long-term according to the world’s standards, not mine. It had been two years that I’d been with this one. It was the longest relationship I’d actually made it through, ever. The longest before that had been three months.

Sure, I missed Melody - that was her name - but things had gotten a little too serious between us. I guess you could say that I was a wild stallion, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet, and Melly - that was what I called her - was ready for the white picket fence and three babies in footie pajamas. I just wasn't there yet, so - as I usually did when I was nervous about something - I ran.

But I did miss her. A lot. Some part of me wondered what it would be like to have the picket fence and the babies. A little bit of me - the bit that watched AJ and Rochelle getting excited for their wedding in the Fall, the bit that saw Leigh kiss Howie on the ear, the bit that saw how Brian touched Leighanne's thigh during dinner when they laughed - wanted to call Melly up on the telephone, and tell her I made a mistake.

But still, despite that little bit, it felt good to be able to cut loose, and actually look at the women around me for a change. Japanese women, in my opinion, are among the sexiest in the world. I don’t know what it is about them, perhaps their confidence and utter inability to let what others think effect their fun, but they’re intoxicating. So I figured I'd be in for a fun night with the fellas, and maybe a couple ladies on the dance floor, but not much else. That little bit of me was still whispering in my ear that I'd call Melly when I got back to the United States.

That’s why it was shocking that, as the strobe lights scanned the dance floor, that my breath was taken away from me when my eyes locked on her. She was the only American woman in the nightclub. She was caught in the flashing, blinding lights, dancing languidly, like she was some substance other than human – smoke, water, wind, fire... perhaps an element all her own. Her eyes seemed to be looking directly into mine, even from across the room, her expression hungry, like a predator looking upon its prey. She licked her scarlet lips, and winked, and I felt myself break away from the pack that I’d entered in with… drawn to her, like a mouse into the hypnotic eyes of a viper.

“Where ya going, Nick?” AJ called, looking over his shoulder, but I didn’t answer him, and the other guys moved on toward the VIP lounge as I moved down, into the pit of dancers, my feet stumbling wildly over the steps that led to where she was standing.

I got to her, and suddenly felt inadequate, something that I hadn’t felt before. She was wearing a skin-tight black dress that just barely covered her body. Her brilliantly auburn hair – not quite red enough to be red, but not brown enough to be brown, just a color all its own – hung in loose waves around her face. A necklace, small rubies on a silver chain, hung close to her neck, resting on the place her jugular sat, just underneath the skin.

She leaned in to me, her breath hot on my neck, and whispered into my ear, “I was waiting for you.”

The next thing I knew, we were dancing, her body tight against mine, the music flowing between us like warm bathwater, and the world around us a blur of color and noise that I couldn’t quite comprehend. Every time I tried to make an effort to notice other things, other people, sounds, and sights, she was there, in front of me, a focal point from which I could not move my eyes again. Hypnotic... her eyes were as blue as the liquor that bore the adjective.

She knew how and when to touch me. She seemed to melt into me, like wax. I held onto her, but she slipped through my fingers, impossible to grasp, again like smoke. “What’s your name?” I asked at last, calling over the music that moved through every cell oh my body.

She had her face buried in my neck, smelling my temple. “Victoria,” she whispered huskily. Her voice tickled my sensitive skin, and I felt her nipping playfully against my pulse point. “Let’s get a room,” she whispered, sultry, and I followed, without a glance backward.



I was vaguely aware of glass smashing as we plowed into the bar cart in the corner of the room. Her clothes were almost completely gone, her lingerie, sexy and scarlet as her lips, was all that was between us. I was already naked, my chest heaving as I gasped for air, the erotic scene nearly too much for me to bear. My mouth was on the curve of her breasts, my hands grasping for the snap of her bra. My pulse seemed to throb with in me every time my mouth found her bare skin.

She wrapped her legs around me, her stiletto heels digging into the small of my back, pressing against me. She dug her nails into the skin of my shoulders, throwing her head back and gasping. I carried her like that to the bed, the hotel room a blur around us, and we fell into it, her hair flying out in a wide arch of color on the pure white bed. My hand ran down the length of her side to the curve of her hip, her thigh, around her bottom, and clutched her there, heaving her up further onto the bed. Her bra, strapless, had slipped away somewhere between the bar cart and the bed, and I could feel every detail of our chests rubbing together, turning the fire up between us.

"Nick," she moaned my name, and it was like setting off fireworks. I felt dizzy and hot, like I could scarcely breathe, and I pulled her body close to mine, frustrated by her tiny thong's presence. I reached down, trying to pull it off, and felt her legs twist beneath me. She leaned up and laid her mouth against my neck. "This is wonderful," she moaned.

"Yes," I groaned back.

"But are you sure..." she gasped into my neck, "That you want to do this with me?"

"Yes," I groaned again.

"I have to warn you," she said to me, her voice low and sexy, "Once you get me in your head... it's almost impossible to get me out."

I smiled, "Well, baby... Bring it on."

And we connected.

In that instant, the weirdest sensation came over me. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, like I was being burned alive from the inside out, like my heart had exploded in my chest. I lost all control, my senses spinning out in ridiculous directions... and my neck... a shooting, burning pain travelled through my body, from my neck through my veins, to my toes and fingers, to my head, to my heart... and I remembered nothing else until I woke up the next morning.

ILLUSION


My eyes sprang open, expecting to see the long drapes and brilliant blue sky over Tokyo stretching out beyond the huge picture window of the hotel room, but instead finding the ceiling of my own hotel room. I sat up, looking around. Victoria wasn't there. There was no bar cart, there was nothing, anywhere, to suggest that any of it had happened at all. I was fully dressed in the jeans and t-shirt I'd worn on stage at the show the night before. I looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was 11:45 PM.

"What the hell..." I mumbled, confused. "It didn't even happen? But it felt so real..."

Maybe, I thought desperately, it was 11:45 PM the next night and I'd slept all day. I grabbed at my cellphone, and opened my contacts, clicking the V. No entries. But I could've sworn I saved her number on my phone. I started at A and started scrolling through, seeing if I'd misspelled it somehow.

A knock on my door made me look up. "Nick?" It was Howie. I snapped my phone closed and went to the door, opening it for my tiniest band mate. He stared at me in disbelief. "Dude, why haven't you changed? Aren't you coming to the club with us?"

I glanced down at my clothes. "I-- uh-"

"Que demonios! Hurry up, Nicky, we've already been waiting for you for like twenty minutes... ay dios mio..." He wandered off down the hall, shaking his head.

I stared down at the clothes and turned back into the hotel room, running my hand along my neck - which still ached. We hadn't even gone to the club. I moved back to the bed and sat down on the edge, despite Howie's frustration, I felt unable to move. That was one fucking hell of a dream, I thought, feeling numb. What the hell would cause something that incredibly vivid? I wondered.

Then I remembered. I'd been thinking about calling Melody. Calling Melly would have caused my mind to start thinking about the end of one night stands and sex with intoxicating strangers, wouldn't it? The concept of tying oneself, of putting a heavy golden ring on the left hand, would drive any red-blooded man insane, wouldn't it?

But still... the pain in my neck was like fire...

I got dressed hurriedly, pulling on fresh jeans and a less wrinkled t-shirt, and got downstairs to the guys. Brian looked up from talking to Leighanne, leaning against the bar, as I came into the hotel lounge. He smirked, "What'd you do, Carter? Fall asleep?"

"Yeah, actually," I said apologetically.

Leighanne smiled, "It's okay, honey," she said, reaching over and patting my shoulder, "You were tired."

"Yeah, I guess I was," I answered, though I still felt strange.

Brian smirked, "Are you ready to go?" he asked. When I nodded, he looked at Leighanne and laid a kiss on her before taking two steps back, "I absolutely adore you, have I mentioned that yet tonight?"

Leighanne laughed, and led the way out of the lounge, pulling Brian by his tie like he was a puppy. Brian winked and followed along after her, puckering his lips and making kissy noises.

The other guys and their women were already in a long, sleek black limousine that was waiting by the curb in front of the swank hotel. We slid into the seats, and Brian pinned Leighanne against the far door, and she started giggling as he started kissing lines along her chin and jaw. Howie and Leigh were deep in conversation and AJ was sitting in Rochelle's lap, his mouth seemingly permanently attached to her neck. I felt ridiculously "extra".

As the car wound its way through the brilliantly colorful streets of Tokyo, I stared out the window and allowed my mind to wander. It was the strangest feeling, reliving what I thought I'd already done. I was so certain that I'd already been to the club, and that Victoria was real. I pulled my cellphone back out, combing through it once more, trying to find her number. But it wasn't there... because she didn't exist.

When we got to the club, we blew past the bouncers, into the throbbing atmosphere. The music was loud, it was the same song as I'd dreamt, playing like a heartbeat. The spikes of green and hot pink light strobed across the dancing crowed, and I looked at the spot where I'd first seen Victoria, but there was no one there, except a fat Japanese guy with a mohawk and lip rings.

"What's up?" AJ called over his shoulder, holding onto Rochelle's hand as she led the way, following Howie, Leigh, Leighanne and Brian through the crowd to the VIP lounge.

"Nothing," I said, "I thought I saw someone, but I guess it was just an illusion."

SECOND GLANCE


The booth we were sitting in was nice, plush seats and a thick velvet curtain that we had the option of drawing for additional privacy. The curtain was a little unnerving, though, because all I could think about was what kind of really dirty things people had done in this very booth while the curtain was closed. I could tell, the way AJ and Rochelle kept glancing at it and then at each other, with smirks on their faces, that they were thinking the same thing -- just in a different way. I'm pretty sure they were wondering how to get rid of all the rest of us.

Brian and Leighanne were in a PDA kind of mood, too, and Brian kept whispering things in her ear that made her giggle and then kiss the side of her neck right under her ear. It was unnerving because usually Brian's not like that, he's more reserved because of his Christian upbringing, but I guess the Tokyo nightclub was intoxicating to more than just one of us. Howie and Leigh were still engrossed in their conversation, Leigh checking her cell phone every few minutes - a nervous tic she'd developed ever since they'd hired the nannies to take care of James on tour so they could have some free time together.

Finally tired of being the third wheel, I nudged AJ. "I'm gonna go get a drink," I said. He nodded, and I slipped out of the booth.

I didn't really want any alcohol, though, I felt messed up enough already, a hangover would probably just do me in. I wandered down to the bar anyways, and leaned against it, ordering a coke and sat down on one of the bar stools in a corner, intending to watch the dancers on the floor.

"Where'd you go before?"

The voice startled me. I turned around and saw Victoria, perched on the barstool next to me. My heart raced. She looked exactly as she had before - the skin-tight black dress, the silver chain with rubies around her neck, her auburn hair, the brilliant unearthly blue of her eyes... "Victoria," I said, stunned, "I thought --" I glanced at the floor, then toward the balcony where the VIP lounge booth was. "What the hell?" I asked.

Victoria laughed and leaned over, her hand touching my upper thigh, "You left me just when it was starting to get... hot..." she murmured.

"I know," I said, "I didn't mean to, I thought --" What the fuck happened? I wondered, completely confused. "I- I dunno what happened," I admitted.

She laughed, "Oh Nicky..." Her scarlet lips were so close to mine, I could taste them. She smelled heavily of roses. I leaned over to kiss her, my eyes closing, our lips almost touching....

"Hey, there you are," AJ's voice was suddenly behind me.

I opened my eyes and found myself leaning into empty air. My heart stopped in my chest and I blinked, dumbfounded, feeling my mouth puckered, but nothing on the receiving end.

"What the hell are you doing, man?" AJ laughed. Rochelle smiled from behind him and slid onto a bar stool two down from me, leaving a spot for AJ, who took it. "Imaginary girlfriends again?"

"No," I answered, "No, I... my lips are chapped. Do you have any chap stick?"

"Oh, I do." Rochelle started digging through a microscopic purse that was hanging off her wrist. It was shaped like Andy Warhol's banana, and was something that only Rochelle would ever actually use.

AJ ordered two beers and dropped his money onto the bar, then glanced at me again. "You've been acting funny all night. What's up, seriously?" he asked as Rochelle unearthed a pink tube of chap stick and held it out to me.

I took the chap stick and inspected it before putting it on. "Nothing," I answered, capping and returning the stick to Rochelle, who dropped it into the banana. "Seriously."

"Well, okay. But you know what they say, Carter?" he asked, getting up as the beers came. Rochelle followed suit, picking up hers and taking a swig off the green bottle. He grabbed his off the bar counter and held it up to me, like a cheers. He winked, "Crack kills." With that, he turned and followed Rochelle back toward the dance floor, where I saw them start grinding to the music, their beers held aloft.

"Christ," I muttered. I wasn't doing crack, but it was an awful lot like a trip. I turned back to my coke glass and realized it wasn't in front of me.

"Bar tender, we'll take another one of these, but this time put some gin in it."

I looked to see Victoria beside me once again, pointing at my drained glass as she put it back on the counter. The bar tender took the glass and turned to make the drink. She smiled, "Your friends are charming."

"Where'd you go?" I asked, "He thinks I'm nuts."

"I didn't go anywhere," she said, rolling her eyes.

The bar tender dropped the coke and gin down in front of me and Victoria lifted it up and took a sip. "Very nice," she said, smiling, "Here, have some. Loosen up. You're high strung."

"You would be, too," I muttered. But I took the drink and downed it in one mouthful, dropping it back to the counter and pushing the empty glass toward the bar tender's side for an unspoken refill.

Victoria smiled, "There's the spirit." She leaned in and started kissing my neck. "Maybe we can get back to where we were before," she whispered in my ear.

"I don't know," I whispered, "I don't feel that good, I'm really confused, and my neck is killing me..."

"I'm sorry about that," she muttered, "But how else was I supposed to get in?"

"Come again?"

Victoria smiled, "Nothing, nevermind." She licked my neck, her tongue dragging across my skin, and I felt a shiver go down the length of my spine. "You like that huh?" she whispered, and she did it again. "Come on, Nick... let's go put that curtain in the VIP booth to use, huh?"

"The guys are all up there, though..."

"No, they're dancing with their women, Nick," she replied, "Come on. We'll have some fun."

I led Victoria through the dancing crowd, passing AJ and Rochelle and Howie and Leigh as I went. Howie smiled and gave me the thumbs up and I assumed it was because he guessed what I was up to. I gave him the thumbs-up back. We climbed out of the dance pit, and back up to the VIP lounge. Victoria had been right - even Brian and Leighanne had disappeared from the booth.

The moment we'd dropped into the plush seats, Victoria reached up and pulled the curtain shut, her hands suddenly on me, unbuttoning my shirt hungrily. She was straddling me, her knees on either side of my lap, hiking her dress up around her ass, and I grabbed hold of her thighs, massaging them. She started kissing down my chest as she unbuttoned, her ass bumping against the table behind her.

She was doing this in an animalistic way, and I gasped, my head hitting the wall the behind me. "Oh shit," I groaned.

The curtain opened a little, and a sprite waitress, with brilliant pink hair, peeked in. Undaunted at all by Victoria's attacks on me, she asked, "Can I get you anything?"

"No," I gasped, "Thanks." She seemed surprised by my response, but closed the curtain with a shrug and disappeared. Victoria had never even responded to the girls' presence, never slowed, never stopped. She was running her fingernails down the length of my chest. "Victoria," I murmured, "Maybe we should get a room again."

"You don't stay in the room, Nick," she muttered, "Here you're staying much better."

"I don't know what happened before," I said.

She laughed, "Of course you don't."

I blinked at the attitude in her voice and sat up, pushing her off me, "Why are you getting so upset about that? It wasn't my fault. I don't know what happened, I don't even have a theory about what happened."

Victoria stared at me, and she frowned, "I'm sorry, Nick. I just thought we were having some fun."

"We were," I said, "But things are getting a little weird. I don't get it."

Victoria's eyes softened and her mouth spread into a lovely smile, "Oh Nick, it's okay. Don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you."

"I didn't think you'd hurt me," I responded with a sigh.

"I'm not going to let anyone else hurt you, either, Nick," she added, leaning closer to me, on her hands and knees. I had a clear line of vision straight down her chest. I swallowed. "Nobody is ever, ever going to hurt you, ever again," she said. She knelt beside me, hugging my head to her chest, "I'm going to protect you, baby."

I looked up at her, and I felt... strange. "Why?" I asked.

"Because I love you," she answered, "Deeply, with my soul."

If the whole it-never-happened-but-yet-it-did-she's-there-then-not-there thing hadn't creeped me the fuck out already, this line sure as crap did. I pulled away. "Victoria, you don't even know me, we just met out there on the floor tonight."

She grinned, her red lips curling in an amused, yet almost sinister way. "Oh Nick, you don't seriously think that's the first time we've met?" she asked.

"I- I-" I stammered, unsure what the hell to say.

"Nicky, Nicky," she whispered, "I can't believe you don't remember..." she frowned, and inched slowly closer to me. I inched further away. We did this until I was up against the back wall of the booth, unable to go any further. She crawled right up to me, her hair a curtain, blocking out the table from my path of vision, her eyes right in mine, and her mouth intoxicatingly close. "How could you forget me?"

Suddenly, the curtain drew back and Brian and Leighanne were standing there. Leighanne was holding a plate of food, and Brian two beers. Brian raised an eyebrow, and laughed, "What's going on?" he asked.

I realized Victoria was gone. I was still pressed against the back of the booth, in a position that only can be made when someone is leaning over you the way she had been. My palms were clammy and my neck throbbing worse than before. I sat up into a normal position quickly. "I - I'm not feeling great," I said.

Leighanne frowned, "What's wrong?" I could tell my admission had made her mommy instincts kick in as her eyes softened into that expression she frequently gave to Baylee.

"I dunno," I answered, "My neck hurts, and I've got a headache."

Brian sat down and dropped the beers on the table. "Well, how much have you had to drink?" he asked.

Leighanne scooted down beside me and put the plate down before laying a hand across my forehead to check if I had a temperature. "Nick," she gasped, "You're burning up, holy shit. Brian, feel him."

Brian half stood awkwardly to gain the height, then put his hand on my forehead, too. "Good Lord, buddy. We better get you back to the hotel. Maybe we should have you get checked out, actually. That's a really bad temp."

"Really?" I asked. I didn't feel hot. I felt cold, actually.

Brian nodded, "Yeah. I'm gonna get Howie and AJ." He slid out of the booth.

Leighanne frowned at me. "You poor thing," she whispered, "Why didn't you tell us you weren't feeling good before? You didn't have to come with us." She was dipping a napkin into somebody's abandoned ice water glass and wringing it out over an empty plate.

"I dunno," I answered.

Leighanne folded the wet napkin carefully, then gently started dabbing my forehead with it. "It's gonna be okay," she whispered in a soothing voice. Somewhere, Victoria's laugh echoed in my mind and I closed my eyes, trying to feel only Leighanne's touch and nothing else.

FEVER PITCH


I don't know if it was just because everyone was making such a huge deal about it or what, but it seemed like the second the other guys and their girls were worrying about me, I started feeling like crap and I broke into a sweat that was unbelievable. AJ sat as far away from me as physically possible in the tight limousine, shielding himself with Rochelle. He'd always been phobic of body fluid of any kind - especially blood and spit - and the sweat pouring off me like I was a faucet was freaking him out.

Leigh, meanwhile, had taken over the mommy role from Leighanne, and had my head in her lap, while I laid across the back seat, sticking poor Howie with having my legs across his lap. He stared at my knees like I was a foreign substance and kept his hands tight to his sides while Leigh brushed the hair out of my face and held an actual damp face cloth to my forehead. Leighanne was on the phone with the hospital, Brian flipping through an English-Japanese book, trying to find phrases for her to read to them. "I can't find 'a Backstreet Boy is coming and we need a private room'," he complained.

"Watashi wa pubraibetorumo o hitsuyo to suru," said Rochelle.

Leighanne and Brian looked at her, dumbfounded. "Hold on," Leighanne said into the phone.

"Why the hell aren't you doing this?" asked Brian, shoving the translation book to Rochelle. She took that and the phone and started talking rapidly in Japanese to the attendant on the other end. "Did you know she speaks Japanese?" Brian asked AJ.

AJ smirked, "Monkee is a Monkee of many talents."

Brian shook his head and looked at Leighanne, who still looked dumbfounded. She grabbed a water bottle out of the mini fridge and downed it.

"Jesus," I moaned, "I feel like shit."

"You look like shit," AJ intoned.

When we got to the hospital, AJ jumped out of the limousine first. "Here, I can actually be useful without getting all green and pukey," he said, running inside to let the attendants know we were there. Rochelle followed him into the ER. Brian watched from the window and frowned.

Leighanne looked at Howie, "You should call Jen and let her know what's going on so she doesn't worry when we're not all back from the after party. And you," she turned to Brian, "You -" she realized she didn't have any other jobs. "You just ... look pretty."

Brian grinned as Howie whipped out his cell phone and started dialing Jen, "That I can do."

I watched all this, feeling like I was far away, looking through a telescope with bionic ears or something. It was surreal. I mean I felt like I was watching some movie on TV that starred all my friends or something and being like shit, who the hell did they have play me? he looks exactly like me!.

AJ came running back out with the attendant, who was pushing a wheelchair and talking a whirlwind of words to Rochelle. Leigh, Howie and Brian helped me out of the car and into the wheelchair, which was ridiculous measures, considering I was fairly certain that, despite the fact that I was sweating buckets and sore all the hell over, I still had fully functioning legs.

AJ steered clear as they pushed me into the ER. A few people were sitting in the waiting area, and I heard a general rush of whispers as people realized who we were as we trooped by toward the hall on - of course - the far side of the room marked No Entry. "Sorry, I can't do autographs right now," I heard Brian muttering.

"I'll appease them," AJ called, and I heard his footsteps fall back. It was as good an excuse as any to stay away from the sweaty mess that was me.

We pressed through the doors and Rochelle's rapid Japanese continued until I'd been wheeled down a long corridor that reminded me of The Shining momentarily. It was dark other than the glowing lights that came from hospital rooms lining the hall. They wheeled me into the very last one and a couple nurses were trying to usher me into a bed. I stood up clumsily and staggered, falling against the gurney. Maybe my legs weren't that functional after all.

"God," I heard Brian mutter to Leighanne in a nervous voice, "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know," she whispered back. Either they were whispering loudly or my senses were heightened, I couldn't tell which.

I dropped back against the pillow, which felt cool. Somewhere between the club and the hospital, I actually had begun to feel the fever, and my body felt like it was on fire. The linens on the gurney had the same effect as jumping into the pool on a hot day. I closed my eyes.

Rochelle turned to us, "There's too many people." I looked around. Brian, Leighanne, Leigh, Howie and Rochelle all stood there gawking at one another, as though unsure who was going to get to stay, and who should leave.

"Well, Rochelle's the translator," Brian admitted, "She should stay with Nick because that's where medical information's going to be needed to be understood." He looked at Leighanne, who stared at him, concern written all over her face. She grabbed my hand.

Howie sighed, "Okay, we leave the women with the ailing puppy, we're useless anyway." He looked at me. "You okay, with that, buddy?"

"Make it cold," I begged in response.

Howie sighed, "I'll take that as a yes." He turned and Brian followed him out the door, just as he was saying, "Maybe we can help AJ keep those girls in the lobby happy..."

Leigh and Rochelle exchanged glances as Leighanne pulled a chair up beside me. "It's going to be okay, Nick," she said.

"I'm thirsty," I whined. Leigh turned to a little sink behind her and filled a random cup from the counter up with water and offered it to me. I took it in shaking hands and downed the water quickly. "More," I pleaded.

Rochelle sighed and sat down in a chair in the corner, her banana purse wrapped tightly around her wrist. She bit her lips and stared at her knees. Leigh continued filling and refilling the cup until I'd drank probably half an ocean and I closed my eyes. "Jesus," I whispered.

When I opened my eyes, the three girls were gone.

I blinked up at the darkened florescent light bulbs overhead and heard the beeping of an IV beside me in the dark. I glanced over and noticed in the glow from the heart monitor I was on that they had hooked me up with fluids. I must've been dehydrated, that explained the sudden bout of drinking a million cups of water. I sighed and closed my eyes again, not feeling quite as hot as I had before.

The touch of her hand on my face made my eyes open again. Victoria was leaning over me, her eyes full of concern. "Ohh, Nicky, my poor baby," she whispered. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I probably would've shot out of there like a bat out of hell. I heard the heart monitor start tweaking out a little bit.

Victoria looked up at the monitor and laid a hand over my heart. "You need to calm down, or you're gonna hurt yourself," she whispered.

"How did you get in here?" I asked, "I was alone just like three seconds ago." I looked at the door, I hadn't heard it open.

"Does it really matter?" she asked, "I'm here now, and I'm going to take care of you. Unlike those women who were making it worse..."

"What?" I asked, too weak to argue with her.

"Those women who were in here, that one stupid one giving you water. What's wrong with her? It's foreign water, you were already sick, that only made it worse..." Victoria smoothed the hair away from my face. "They were annoying me."

"You weren't even here," I said, attempting to sit up.

Victoria pushed me down onto the bed with strength that I hadn't expected. I hit the mattress with a thump and she held me there, her hand square on my chest, a smile on her face that was too innocent for the strength she'd just displayed. "I'm always right here, Nick," she answered, patting my chest with her hand. "Always."

I struggled only a couple minutes against her pressing hand before realizing I was too weak to fight it. Damn this fever has taken a lot out of me, I thought, laying back down. "Look, Victoria," I said slowly, "I'm really sorry, but I don't think--"

The door to the room opened and a blinding flash of light made me close my eyes as the florescent bulbs turned on. When I opened my eyes from the blink, Victoria was gone. A doctor stepped into the room. "Hello, Nick Carter," he said in a thick accent, but relatively okay English, "I am doctor Li. How are you?"

That seemed like a retarded question. "I'm okay, I guess," I answered. But my mind was reeling, where the hell was Victoria? I looked down and I could see the impression on my chest where her hand had pressed, a crumpled hand print in the cloth of the gown they'd gotten me into. For a fleeting moment, I wondered who exactly had gotten me into the gown, but I didn't dwell on it.

"I have examined you and it seems you have a very bad temperature," Dr. Li explained, "It is what we have called Hyperpyrexia. It has caused you some unconscious behavior," he added.

Great, I just barely understand medical crap when it's not being told to me in the weird, twisted way that poor translation creates. Where the hell was Rochelle? I wondered.

"Okay," I said, pausing, "So I've been passing out you mean?" That makes sense.

"Yes," he said, "And you are very, very dehydrated," he added. "We give you fluids and that will help you improve your healthiness." He motioned at the IV. I nodded, wishing desperately that I had any idea what this guy was talking about. It was so disjointed, and my head was already such a mess, that I didn't quite comprehend it. "We are running test to make sure what has caused this Hyperpyrexia, as it is usually a sign of underlying conditions you do not know," he smiled at me, "So we are checking for those, and have not found a condition yet. We also have done test to make sure your head is not hurt from the condition."

"My head does hurt, though," I said.

"No, no, not your headache," he said, "For that we give you medicine." Again, Dr. Li motioned at the IV, where I noticed a second, smaller bag dripping down the line to my arm. I frowned. "I mean your inner head, your mind. The Hyperpyrexia can cause some seizures and may effect you in your mind." He scrunched his nose, obviously thinking of the words. "I apologize, if this is scaring you. My English is fine, but not as well as you might need to understand."

I stared blankly at him, "No it's fine. Can you tell my friend Rochelle this stuff, though, please? I guess she like knows Japanese and she'll get it better, because I dunno really what you're telling me."

"Oh yes, yes, I can tell your family," Dr. Li said. He smiled warmly, "Now I want you to be resting and I will have my nurse come visit with you so I can know the pressure of your blood and other vital informations." He turned the florescent lights back off as he left the room and I groaned, closing my eyes again.

"They think you might have some brain damage from the high fever," whispered Victoria in my ear.

My eyes flew back open. "What the fuck? Where did you come from?"

She laughed gently, and ran her hand down my arm. She was sitting in the chair Leighanne had been in just a few moments before. "You don't have any brain damage, Nick."

"That's wonderful. Leave, please."

Victoria leaned close and kissed the side of my face, "Nicky, you're being nasty to me. You really don't want to do that."

I sighed and pulled my head away, irritated. "Yeah, I do, actually. You're like stalking me, it's getting kind of creepy. I don't really even know you."

"You sure knew me when you were about to fuck me in the hotel room earlier tonight," she droned into my ear, "When you were ripping my clothes off and panting like a dog." She ran her hand down the length of me.

I shuddered away from her touch, "Please, stop, I don't feel good right now." She stopped and sat back in the chair, staring at me. "Look, Victoria, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. Maybe they're right, maybe I do have some kind of brain damage thing going on. I don't know. All's I know is this has been a really freaky night and I'm tired and I just want to get some sleep."

"So sleep, baby," she whispered, leaning forward and resting her cheek against the bed so she was staring into my eyes, "Go to sleep."

I looked at her, and my eyes connected with her brilliant ice blue ones. I felt as though I could've slept on a pile of sharp objects at that instant. My muscles seemed to relax, my mind loosened, and I started breathing deeper. I smiled stupidly at her, and I heard her coo as I fell asleep, "There we are..." as she stroked my cheek, "There we are... Relax, Nicky... Just relax."

FIGMENT


Luckily, the next day was an off day, so I was free to spend some time lounging in the hospital bed doing nothing but getting hydrated. Brian popped by at one point to check on me, and informed me that, despite how freaked out he'd been, AJ and Rochelle had spent the night in a private waiting room down the hall, where Rochelle was available to translate for me, if needed. "AJ said he felt bad for not coming in with you last night," Brian explained, "I think he felt like staying here would make up for that, even if you didn't actually see him."

I laughed, "AJ's a loser, I can't believe he got that freaked out over sweat."

"Well, for a little bit there was vomit, too, according to Leighanne," Brian said, "Apparently you puked up about three gallons of water..."

"Damn, I was in crappy shape," I said, shaking my head.

After Brian left, I sketched some drawings in a notebook that Brian had brought me. I didn't realize what I was drawing until the picture was complete, but it was definitely Victoria by the time I'd finished. I stared at the picture.

"Once you get me into your head, it's almost impossible to get me out."

I shook my head, pushing the echo of her words out of my mind as I did so, and taking a swallow of air. I'd come to the conclusion, looking back over the hazy memory of the night before that I still possessed, that Victoria had been a figment of my imagination and nothing more. It wasn't possible any other way.

"Why isn't it?"

Her voice, rather it's proximity, nearly gave me a heart attack. I jumped and the notebook slid off my lap onto the floor with a loud crack. She was standing at the foot of my bed, dressed in a pair of jeans and a form-fitting, white t-shirt with a giant rose on the chest. Around her neck hung the silver chain with the rubies that she'd been wearing the night before. Her auburn hair was pulled into a pony tail.

I blinked up at her, "How did you--" I stammered, looking at the drawn curtain around the foot of my bed that didn't look at all disturbed, "How did you--"

Instead of answering, Victoria came over and lowered herself on the edge of the bed beside me, her eyes staring down into mine. "Did you sleep nicely, Nicky?" she asked, bending down and kissing my nose.

"Uh.. yeah," I mumbled. I gnawed my lip, "It was fine." She smiled and took a hold of my hand. "Listen, Victoria, I--"

"Hmmm?" She smiled sweetly.

I licked my lips. I felt crazy even saying this outloud, and I prayed that I was either dreaming again or nobody would over hear what I was about to say. "I think that you might be like in my head," I said.

"Yes, that's the point, silly," she said, giggling.

"No," I said, "Not like that I'm thinking about you, but like that I think you're - you know, a figment. An illusion. Make believe..." she was staring at me blankly. "...imaginary."

A smile spread across her lips. "I'm very real, Nick," she whispered.

"Then how do you keep popping up everywhere, like you're coming out of thin air, like you're smoke..." I sighed, "How come every time somebody else shows up, you're gone just like that?" I clicked my fingers together.

Victoria smiled, "Oh Nicky. I do love you." She leaned forward and started kissing my face.

"Stop," I said, pushing her off me. Her face folded into a scowl as she sat back, pulling away from me. "I'm sorry, Victoria, I shouldn't have gone to the hotel room with you the other night," I apologized, "It was a mistake, and --" I shook my head in a way that I hoped came off as regret, "I thought it was going to be - you know..."

"What?" she asked, her face now looked like a combination of crest fallen and smoldering with anger.

"...you know," I said, not wanting to say the words. Finally, I whispered them, "A one night stand..."

Victoria's face turned - well, the only word I can think of for it is puce. Like that not green, not peach, not anything except sick. "A ONE NIGHT STAND?" she bellowed. "You thought I was a one night stand?!"

I flinched and covered my mouth with my fingers, "Shhh, please, this is a hospital, you're gonna wake everyone else up or whatever."

Victoria tossed her head back and laughed hysterically in a loud, unearthly manner, and when she looked back down at me, her eyes were burning red - not at all the blue they normally were. I blanched, "What the hell is wrong with your eyes?" I demanded.

"This is me, angry, Nick," she said, her voice cold, "This is me being very, very, very angry."

"Well it's freaking weird, your eyes are scarlet," I said, kicking at the bed to get further away from her.

Victoria leaned in toward me, her red eyes focused directly into mine, "Nick, you will learn very quickly that you do not ever want to make me angry," she said. Her voice was low and commanding. I swallowed and nodded. She was legitimately scary.

Leaning back, her eyes seemed to soften into their normal blue hue, and the look of smoldering anger melted from her face and was replaced by a smile that looked as though it had always been there. In fact, within seconds, the only evidence that anything had happened at all was the rapid beating of my heart, and the blipping of it on the glowing green screen of the monitor.

Victoria laid her hand on my chest over my heart and whispered, "Calm down, Nick." I felt my heart slowing down, the beats returning to normal and I stared at her hand. "There we go," she whispered, smiling. "All better."

I licked my lips and opened my mouth to speak but she laid a finger across my mouth and listened closely. She smiled. And just like that, she was gone.

"Victoria?" I questioned, looking around. She'd disappeared without a spark, without even stars or dust or anything left in her wake.

The curtain was pulled aside and a doctor, followed by Rochelle, came in. The doctor smiled and Rochelle yanked AJ around the corner, who waved with just the tips of his fingers, sunglasses pulled over his eyes, his head tilting completely the wrong direction - which told me his eyes were closed underneath those glasses.

"Are you ready to leave Nick?" asked the young female doctor in way better English than Dr. Li had displayed the night before.

I nodded, "Definitely."

DELHI SANDWICH?


I was given the clear to travel on the next morning to the next stop on the tour, but only as long as I took the last night in Tokyo to relax. Brian came over with Baylee and the three of us watched Finding Nemo on my computer. Every time they showed the seagulls, the three of us mimicked them, shouting "Mine? Mine? Mine?" It was a lot of fun, and at the end of the night, Baylee gave my leg and big hug and thanked me for the "poppycorn and sodars". I smiled and patted his bushy blonde hair as Brian winked and scooped him up, declaring it was well after his bedtime and disappeared down the hall.

I closed my hotel room door and sighed. Spending the night with Brian and Baylee had made me miss Melly and her vision for our future more than I'd ever realized. I crawled onto the bed and grabbed my cell phone off the night stand and punched in Melly's number. I held the phone to my ear.

Suddenly it was ripped out of my hand.

"What the --" I looked up and saw Victoria standing beside the bed. She clamped my cell phone shut, just as I heard Melly's sweet voice pick up. "Victoria?" I said in disbelief. I looked at the door. When the hell as I going to realize this woman could appear out of thin air?

"What do you think you were doing just now?" she asked, her voice ice-cold and sharp.

"Uhh, calling my girlfriend, actually."

Victoria dropped the phone onto the floor and got onto the bed. "What am I?"

That creepy chick that haunts me? I thought, sliding off the bed and standing up. She got to the middle and dropped to a sitting position, her long legs spread out on either side of her in a way that reminded me of a frog. She was wearing a skirt and one of my old t-shirts. I wondered where she'd gotten it - I hadn't seen that shirt in years, but it had once been one of my very favorites.

"You think I'm creepy?" she whispered, a hurt tone to her voice.

Did I say that out loud? I wondered, screwing up my face.

"Do you think I can't hear you?!" Victoria cried out, angry. She grabbed the remote control for the TV and flung it at me, hard. The plastic remote struck me in the shoulder and I yelped, grabbing my shoulder as the pain shot through my the collar bone.

"What the hell was THAT for?" I bellowed, kicking the remote into the wall with all the might of my foot. "That fucking hurt!"

Victoria's eyes widened and she crawled the rest of the way across the bed, and stood up beside me, her mouth on my collar bone, apologies flying forth from her mouth, "No, no, no," she mumbled into my skin, "Ohhh, I never wanted to hurt you, my Nicky, but you made me, don't you see?"

"No!" I yelled, shoving her back against the bed, "No actually, I don't see! I don't understand who or what or whatever you are!" I cried out, frustrated. "I feel like I'm fucking going insane!" I grabbed at my hair and paced around the hotel room, fuming and snorting.

She watched me, standing awkwardly there between the two beds, then she inched towards me, "Nicky, I'm sorry."

"Why are you following me everywhere?" I demanded, "Why won't you leave me alone?"

Tears filled her eyes and her lower lip quivered. "Don't you love me, Nicky?" she asked quietly, "Don't you love me even a fraction of the amount that I love you?"

"Victoria," I whispered, "I don't even know you." At my words, she dissolved - literally - into tears, and disappeared, once again, before my very eyes.



"Are you ready," AJ said as we loaded into the limousine once again, "To go to Delhi, India?" he said the words in the worst Indian accent I've ever heard. He rubbed his hands together.

"Delhi?" I asked, "Delhi, Sandwich?"

AJ laughed. Brian rolled his eyes, "Wow, that was lame, Nick."

I grinned, "I can't help it, I'm freaking starving."

Leighanne smirked, "Then maybe you should eat more." She poked my flat abs and winked.

"Bah, shows what you know," I said, "I eat like a fucking horse."

"No, no, Nick, check it out.. check it out. You don't eat like a horse. You eat like a llama..." he paused, drawing out the punch line for maximum impact. "The Delhi Llama."

"Where the hell do you guys come up with these jokes?" Leigh asked, looking up from James, who Howie was bouncing on his knee to keep from crying. Baylee was sitting on Brian's lap playing with my PSP, probably about to beat my high score on Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: The Video Game. I knew he'd already found all of Luna Lovegood's stuff that was hidden around Hogwarts - that had taken me almost a whole week to do (it was trying to find the damn Herbology room that gave me the hardest trouble - I had no idea there was like four classrooms in there, I just kept getting in there and turning around thinking there was a kink in the game system).

AJ smirked. "They sell them, in a big huge book. Lame Jokes For Guys To Tell On Their Way to Foreign Countries," he snorted.

Rochelle was hanging out the window, smoking on our way to the airport. Her entire upper body was outside, and she was laughing, sticking her tongue out like a dog. AJ laid his head against her ass like it was a pillow and she reached one hand back and patted his head.

"Better hope she doesn't let one rip," snickered Howie. AJ looked at Rochelle's ass suspiciously and leaned away from it.

It felt good just joking around, being normal with the guys again. And I hadn't seen or heard from Victoria since the night before. I was almost convinced, once again, that she'd been a trippy dream that I'd had, something that was a little too vivid, but was, none the less, not real.

I'll call Melly when we get to Delhi, I thought, imagining her voice on the other end of the line and the smile that I hoped would cross her face when I told her what I was calling for.

THE MILE HIGH CLUB


I was asleep on the plane after having watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on the little interactive TV. AJ was next to me, slumped into my shoulder and drooling. I was about to be doing the same to the little pillow thing the stewardess gave me when I felt nature calling. I groaned and got up, struggling with the seatbelt and slipping out from under AJ to head to the latrine. I stumbled, sleepy and unstable on planes anyways, and finally got myself locked into the vacant bathroom. I was in the middle of peeing when she showed up, her smiling face over my shoulder in the mirror.

"Jesus," I snapped, shocked. I finished prematurely and shoved myself away, "What the hell are you doing in here?" I demanded, pulling the fly up on my jeans. I decided not to bother asking how she got in. She moved swiftly. Her strength once again being displayed as she pushed me against the wall roughly.

Her mouth was hungry on mine, emblazoned with passion. Her hand ran down the length of me and grabbed at my freshly returned goods. She squeezed. "I want you," she whispered. She knelt down and started playing with the button and fly.

I fell back into the toilet, almost knocking the lid off with the velocity. She grabbed the jeans at the waist and pulled them down to my knees in one swift move. I grabbed at the wall, my toes curling as her mouth started tracing along the top of my boxer shorts' waist band. "Fuck," I murmured. It felt so good...

I looked down at her auburn hair as she started to pull down my boxers, though, and a flash of a thought went through my head.

She's not Melly.

My hand flew to her head and I pushed her away, grabbing at the band of my boxers and keeping them put. Victoria banged into the door of the latrine and she looked up, anger in her eyes once again, they started turning that red color. "Why did you do that?" she demanded.

"I can't do this," I mumbled.

She looked at the tent my excitement had caused. "It sure looks like you should be just fine to do it," she smirked.

I swallowed. "I don't mean like that," I said.

Victoria got up and leaned over me. "She's never going to take you back," she whispered, "She's not right for you even if she does. She's not your soulmate like I am."

"You aren't my soulmate," I grumbled.

"Oh? Aren't I?"

I blinked up at her. "No... You scare the shit out of me, actually, and I'm pretty sure a soulmate wouldn't do that."

Victoria's hand cupped me, squeezing. I felt all the blood rush to her hand, my head dizzy with the desire she was provoking to rise up in me with her touch. "Anyone who wasn't your soulmate could never do this to you," she whispered huskily.

"Fucking a..." I said, drawing out the "ayyyyy" sound for a long moment.

Victoria's hand snaked into my boxers again and I licked my lips, eyes screwed tightly shut, and she administered a touch like unbe-freaking-lievable until I was reduced to a gasping, shaking mess of nerves when she was done. I sat there, leaning against the wall of the latrine, my heart racing. I'd received plenty of attention in my lifetime, but never quite like that. I was sweating.

Victoria crawled onto my lap, the dress she was wearing hiking up, grinding against me. "Welcome to the Mile High Club," she said quietly, "Though I'm sure I'm not the first to induct you..." She leaned close to me and her chest pressed against mine. She kissed me, her tongue tickling my skin. Her mouth roamed across my face, chin, neck and shoulders. She ran her hand down my chest.

My breaths came out in great shaking gasps. "I can barely breathe," I observed.

She smiled, "That's what you said the first time we did this," she whispered.

"The first time we did this?" I asked, confused.

Victoria's eyes locked with mine, brilliantly icy-blue. "Yes, of course," she whispered. "Don't you remember?" She leaned down and kissed my collar bone. My mind raced over the confusion of events in Japan. Even in the hotel room, though, I was certain we'd never done that before. Victoria's eyes never broke their gaze into mine, even as she kissed my chest. "No?" she asked, sounding a little hurt.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"1993," she whispered. "In your bedroom closet... it was one of the last times I ever saw you," she said, "Until the other night."

I stared at her.

"Please, Nicky," she said in her sultry, low voice, "Don't you remember me? You promised you'd never forget me." She stared at me with those icy eyes.

"Holy shit," I whispered. "Vicky... it's you."

A smile spread across her face, "You do remember me."

My heart was slamming in my chest.

JUNE, 1989


“What do you wanna be when you grow up?” I asked.

Victoria hung upside down from the branch over me and stretched her hands out lazily toward me. “A grilled cheese sandwich maker,” she answered, matter-of-factly.

“That doesn’t exist in real life,” I answered, laughing.

She smiled, “Then I wanna be your wife.”

“Okay,” I answered with a laugh, “You can be that someday maybe.”

Victoria smiled brightly. “What do you want to be, Nick?” she asked.

“A singer,” I said, without any hesitation.

She smiled, “I knew you would say that.”

“It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” I explained.

“I know,” she said. “It means so much to you. You’re brilliant at it, too, Nicky,” she said. “Absolutely brilliant.”

I turned red and shook my head, “Nah.”

“It’s true,” she said, “Someday, you’ll be a world famous musician, and you’ll visit Japan.”

“And you’ll come with me?” I asked, hopefully.

Victoria laughed, “Why would you need me if you’re a world famous musician who’s so famous he goes to Japan?”

“Because I love you Vicky,” I answered, “With my soul.”

Victoria smiled – I loved her smile – “You’re sweet, Nicky,” she said.

“Vicky?”

“Yes?”

“Promise me that if I ever forget you that you’ll come back to me,” I said, “And make me remember?”

Victoria leaned down from the branches and kissed my forehead. Her lips felt warm and feminine against my face. “I promise,” she whispered, “I’ll come back to you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, “Because I never want to forget you.”

“I never want you to forget me, either.”

“I never will… I promise.”

Suddenly, from far away, I could hear my father calling my name. He sounded angry. “I gotta go,” I said. Vicky watched from the tree branches as I jumped up and ran through the trees and down a steep hill into the backyard of my family’s house. He was standing on the patio, fuming.

“Where the fuck were you?” he demanded, grabbing my elbow, hard in his grasp. He pulled me towards the house. “We’ve been hollering for you for hours.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered, “I was talking to a friend.”

“You don’t have any friends,” he answered, shoving me roughly into the chair in the living room. He lit a cigarette and took a long drag. The living room smelled like smoke and booze. He was the main source of the smell – he positively reeked of it. “Your mother tells me you broke another lamp, boy,” he snapped.

I had. I'd been rough housing with the dog and I'd knocked over the faux Tifffany style lamp. My mother had been shaking she was so irate - it was her favorite lamp, she claimed. "Just you wait," she'd bellowed, pointing, "Just wait until your father comes home." It was the ultimate threat. It was then that I'd retreated to the tree, my meeting place with Vicky when things at home was bad. She was always there for me, waiting...

I frowned, “It was an accident.”

“Oh I’m sure, it’s always an accident with you,” he rolled his eyes. “Like I don’t have enough to deal with all fucking day at work, I gotta come home and deal with crap like this from you…” he threw a blow across my face, his palm open, backhanding me. My head whipped to the right with the strike, and my cheek burned hot and tears sprang to my eyes. He hadn’t taken off his ring, and it had caught my jaw and my jaw was screaming out in pain. “That was an accident, too,” he jeered.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, swallowing and blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall out of my eyes. I refuse to give him the satisfaction, I thought.

He stared down at me, as I fought the tears. I knew he knew I was putting all my effort into not crying. He put his hands on the arm rests of the chairs and leaned in, his face right in my face, his breath sopping with the smell of beer. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and pressed the tip against my leg, burning a little round hole through my jeans and into my skin. I let out a scream, and the moment the sound escaped me, he pulled the put-out cigarette away, snorting, and slamming the butt into an ashtray.

"You can't even handle a little sting, boy?" he snapped in my face. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the pack and a lighter. I grabbed my leg with my hands, the spot visible through my jeans bright red and raw, almost bleeding. I screwed my eyes tight. "Guess we need to toughen you up," he murmured, fingering the buckle of his belt with one hand and lighting the cigarette hanging out of his mouth with the other.

I stared up at him, afraid.

Twenty minutes later, when he was thoroughly finished screaming at me, I made my way up the stairs to my bedroom, my backside smarting from his belt and my leg burning from cigarette butts. When I got to the top of the stairs, the tears finally started falling down my face.

Victoria was waiting for me in my room. The moment I came through the door she flew off my bed and ran to me, her arms wrapping around me, tears falling from her own eyes as well as mine. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you, ever, ever again,” she sobbed, “I love you… I love you…”

“Please just make it stop hurting,” I begged, as we dropped to the floor, “Why does he hate me?”

Vicky pulled my head onto her lap and I curled myself around her. Her fingers found the perfectly round sear marks in the jeans and the rapidly forming blisters beneath on my burned-raw skin. She shook her head, “Oh Nick…”

“He hates me,” I cried, spit connected my upper and lower jaw together as the sob escaped me. She smoothed the hair back from my forehead gently. "Why does he hate me?"

“I don’t know how anyone could hate this wonderful face,” she whispered.

“Sometimes, I want to die,” I confessed to her, feeling as though my heart was being torn out of its cage within my ribs and torn to pieces by ravenous wolves. Most nine year olds worried about playing games and their favorite TV shows and comic book heroes. Their biggest concerns are whether or not Michael Jordon could kick Godzilla’s ass in one-on-one hoops. Their concerns were not whether or not they were going to get belted – literally – for breaking a lamp. Their concerns were not about getting a call back at an audition so that they could earn the money to feed the family. I squeezed my eyes shut, the pressure of the world closing in around me. “I really want to die,” I cried again.

“Nicky… no,” she whispered. “I love you too much to let you take yourself away from me… ever. You belong to me. Don't you ever forget that."

CALLING MELLY


I made my way back to my seat on the plane, stunned and weak-kneed. How, I wondered, could sex with my childhood imaginary friend have been that mind-blowingly amazing? I slumped down in my seat and covered my face with my hands, trying to recover. AJ, who had woken up while I was gone, stared at me, a knowing smirk on his face. "So..." he said, leaning closer to me, "Which one of the hot flight attendants did you bang?"

Just trying to get him off my back, I pointed at a male steward who was bending over the drink cart getting a V8 for a woman across the plane. "He was sthooo shexy," I said with a fake lisp.

AJ rolled his eyes, but just said, "It better be the blonde one, she's a fox."

I leaned back, and stared ahead at the back of the seat in front of me, thoroughly distracted from everything going on around me, thinking about Victoria.

Victoria had been my safe-haven, my precious piece of sanity. In a time when my life had been so full of turmoil and craziness, I'd clung to her like she was a life ring in a violent ocean. I'd be drowning in myself and I'd run to escape it and Victoria would be there, ready to listen and to help me through the hard times. She was everything I'd always dreamt and hoped for in a woman; of course she would be, she was invented by my own mind.

But yet, she had a strangely real quality. The proof of her tangibility was in the sex.

I was reminded of a novel Melly had once told me about, where a woman met an imaginary friend who only she could see. She'd done things with the imaginary friend, experienced life with him, and believed he was really there. Melly had been intensely moved by the book, and that's why she'd told me about it so enthusiastically. I'd never read it myself, but the premise of it reminded me of my own dilemma.

Except for one thing.

Victoria had a certain ferocious air about her that made me deeply uncomfortable. It was the strangest feeling because being a figment of my imagination, I would have expected to be able to control her once I figured out that she was all in my head, but she was utterly impossible to control.



By the time we got through customs in Delhi, I was exhausted. I got to the hotel and fell into bed, smooshing my face into the pillow. I’ll call Melly in the morning, I thought, helpless to overpower sleep.

“Why are you still calling her?” It was Victoria.

“Because,” I murmured, “I love her.”

The bed shifted to my side as Victoria climbed onto the mattress beside me. She ran her hand across my back gently, and sat there silently for a few minutes. “Nicky, she isn’t any good for you,” Victoria said at last, “She’s going to make you grow up and be, like, an adult. A father, no less.”

“So?” I asked, “Maybe that’s what I want.”

Victoria laid down beside me and I could see her out of the corner of my eye. I shifted my eyes to look at her. “Nicky, you never wanted that,” she said, “I know.” She tapped the side of my forehead gently, “I know… I’ve been in here.” I rolled over so she got to stare at the back of my head and stared at the wall. I heard her sigh, “You can turn away from me, but that won’t block me out, Nicky.”



When I woke up, rays of sunlight were pouring through the window. I took a deep breath before turning to see if Victoria was still there, and was relieved to see she’d gone. I lay back down under the covers and reached for my cell phone, quickly dialing Melly’s number for the second time in so many days.

“Hello?” It was Melly’s sweet voice.

“Hey… it’s me…” I said slowly, “Nick.”

She was quiet a second. “Nick, oh my God.” She paused. “Where are you?”

“Delhi, India,” I answered.

“Wow,” Melly said, “That’s far.”

“Yeah,” I said.

Melly’s voice was gentle, “Why are you calling?”

“I’ve been thinking about you lately,” I admitted, “A lot.”

“I’ve been thinking about you, too,” Melly said. “I saw on the news you were in the hospital in Japan. What happened?”

I sighed, “I had a really bad fever, basically… There was a fancy word for it, but I dunno it now. Plus I was dehydrated… yanno.” I sat up on the bed and tucked my feet into my lap like I was doing yoga. I started picking at my toes. “Melly, I really miss you.”

“Nick…”

“No, Melly, listen… I’ve been thinking… maybe –“ I bit my lip. “Maybe that stuff we talked about… Yanno, the whole future thing?... Maybe those things wouldn’t be so bad after all.”

Melody’s silence was heavy. “Nick…”

“Melly, I was wrong to break up with you,” I said slowly. I imagined the house and the kids and the smiles in the family photo album. “I know I was wrong, Melly.”

“And?” she breathed the word.

“Melly, I wanna get back together.”

“Ohh Nick,” she whispered.

“I can’t live without you, Melly, I’m going crazy,” I thought of Victoria. “Seriously, I am. I need you in my life… I love you, so much.”

Melly’s voice caught in her throat, “Nick, I’ve met someone.”

My blood ran like ice. I waited too long, I thought, sick to my stomach. “Oh,” I stammered.

Melly sounded apologetic, “If you’d called sooner… I… definitely, I would’ve wanted to try again. But Nick, there’s someone else now. And… honestly, Nick, I don’t believe you’ve changed; not really.”

“I have, though,” I whispered.

“Then you’ll make some woman very, very happy,” she answered. “But that woman isn’t me, Nick… she isn’t me.”

I hung my head and felt tears escaping my eyes. I closed my eyes, listening to Melly on the other end of the line. “Nick, you were a wonderful boyfriend, you love so passionately, but you aren’t a husband or a father yet…”

Suddenly hands were on my face, wiping the tears. I opened my eyes and Victoria was kneeling on the bed in front of me, her eyes were sad, and her thumbs catching the tears from my eyes. “But I could be,” I pleaded. Victoria’s mouth met my face and she started kissing away the tears.

“You will be someday,” Melly answered. “Just not with me.”

When I’d hung up the phone, I felt like a hole had been blasted in my heart. I really did love Melly, and I didn’t want her to give up on me so easily. I wanted her to give me another chance, but she’d met someone and it made me ache, wondering who he was and what he had that I didn’t, what he could offer that I couldn’t…

“There’s nothing you wouldn’t have given her,” whispered Victoria. She wrapped her arms around me softly and breathed deeply, pressing her face into my chest. “I’m still here, Nicky…” she said slowly, “And I’d never leave you like that.” She looked up into my eyes, “I’d take anything you gave me.”

“But you aren’t real,” I whispered sadly.

Victoria nodded, “Yes I am… I’m real to you… Isn’t that enough?”

“My heart hurts,” I said, not answering her question.

Victoria laid a hand over it. “That’s because it’s broken. I’d know the sounds your heart makes anywhere, Nicky…”

“It makes sounds?” I asked.

Victoria nodded, “Different ones – subtly different ones – with your mood and emotions…” She smiled, “My favorite is the way it sounds when you sing. It sounds so happy and free… like it could burst from joy…” Her fingernails traced a music note on my chest. “This one it’s doing now… this is the hardest one. This is the one that is usually what I heard when we were younger…”

“It is?” I asked.

She nodded. “You always came to visit me when you were scared or sad or lonely… I’ve dried so many of your tears…” She kissed my chin. “And every one of them was accompanied by this mournful heartbeat.” Victoria’s eyes met with mine. “I only want you to love me like you loved Melly, Nick,” she whispered.

DANCING WITH MYSELF


"What's wrong with you?" Brian asked the moment I stepped onto the stage from wardrobe. I must've looked like shit the way he looked at me. Make-up had hummed and hawed trying to get me ready to go and eventually had said 'good enough' and sent me on my way. But evidently 'good enough' wasn't very 'good'. "You look like you got hit by a Mack truck."

"You aren't sick again are you?" Howie asked. AJ cringed from the floor, where he was stretching.

"No," I answered, "I'm okay. I just... well, I called Melly and told her I wanted to get back together, and..."

Brian's eyes lit up, "No way!" He grinned, "That's awesome buddy!"

"Yeah, congrats Nick," called AJ from the floor, "Rochelle's gonna be happy to hear that."

I frowned, "Well, actually, no. Uh, she met someone else."

Brian's face fell instantly.

"What a damn whore," AJ bitched. "What'd she do, leave you and go right out and latch on to the next thing she saw with a penis?"

Howie choked on his water, spraying it everywhere. Crew came running out with paper towels. "AJ," Howie's tone was warning.

"Sorry, but it's true," he muttered, dropping his face as close to the floor as he could get it, bending in on himself like a pretzel.

Howie rolled his eyes, "Ay dios mio..." he muttered.

"I'm sorry man," Brian said, clapping my back as I joined him to stretch my hamstrings. He frowned, "But if she's already moved on, you gotta know she's not the one." He looked at me seriously. He smiled, "You'll know it when you meet the one... You'll know it right here." Brian's fist tapped his chest. His eyes sparkled, "Trust me."

I turned and saw Leighanne, Leigh, James, and Rochelle come in the far side of the venue and start sitting down in the corner together. Rochelle waved to AJ and winked. Brian's eyes were focused on Leighanne, who was mouthing olive juice.

As Brian drifted away towards the women, I stood in the corner of the stage and crouched down and gripped my toes. I wasn't sure what I was stretching but it felt close enough to stretching. I sighed and bounced on the balls of my feet, rocking back to my heels and forward again.

"You know the best part about me being imaginary is?" Victoria asked, suddenly laying on the stage in front of me. "Nobody else can see me. So if you want me to be here when there's other people here... I can be. All you have to do is come to me."

I stopped bouncing and rocking and took a deep breath, looking up at her. I don't want to be alone anymore, I thought. I could hear the other fellas giggling and talking to their wives and fiance, laughing about something James had just done. It made me strangely homesick.

"You aren't alone," she whispered, "I'm here. I'll always be here." Victoria slid her hand into one of mine and squeezed. I squeezed back. Strength seemed to melt from her hand down the length of my arms until I was standing up. She smiled.

"Nick, c'mere," Brian called, waving me over.

I looked at Victoria. "You're gonna go if I go over there, huh?" I asked.

"Just don't 'put me away'," she said, shrugging.

"Put you away?"

She smiled, "Yeah, that's what you used to call it when you left me. Like I was a toy or something." I laughed. Victoria laughed, too. "Go.. go see what your friends want. I'll be here when you need me." She sat down on the stage.

Feeling stronger, less alone knowing she was there, I ran across the stage to where the fellas were, peeking back to make sure she'd stayed. She waved and I jumped off the stage's edge to see what Brian had wanted.



That night, I practiced keeping Victoria around. She stood on stage during the show, watching me, a smile on her face, enthralled by the lights and the dances and the music. Her face reflected the fans', who watched raptly as always. It felt so good - the way it used to feel when my parents would come to a show, like someone cared.

During All Of Your Life, though, Victoria seemed to be unable to stay on the sidelines. As I danced with our hired back-up dancers, she was suddenly behind me, her hands on my hips. She pressed herself against me, "Mmm," she murmured, "I love you." She directed my hips along, her hands gently swaying them faster. "They love it when you do this," she whispered, making me grind forward into the crowd. The fans screamed loudly. "There we go," she whispered. "You're so sexy."

I felt my face redden. This is something the other guys don't get to do with their women, I thought with a laugh as Victoria continued guiding me along through the moves, popping my hips and pulling me towards her, pushing me forward...

"There are perks to having an imaginary woman," she laughed, kissing me square on the back of the neck where my hairline ended. She reached around me and rested her arm across my chest, clinging to the material of my shirt. "I can do anything," she whispered. Her hand slid down the front of me as I started singing my verse, my voice deepening the lower her hand slid. "Finish your show," she whispered, "And we'll continue this later."

And with that, she disappeared.

GIRLFRIEND


I couldn't breathe. Victoria was wrapped around me, her mouth wide open as she gasped for air as well. Our bodies were fused together with sweat and I felt dizzy from the amount of bloody rushing to my head as my heart pumped faster and faster. I moaned as she raked her fingernails down the length of my spine, making my skin dance along in her wake, twisting my body on itself from the feeling of it. The sound coming from my mouth was deep from in my gut, and I felt weak as she brought her fingers back up the same way she'd brought them down. I pushed into her and my eyes rolled back, unable to stay focused. She clung to me and groaned as I let go. "Mmm, Nick," she whispered into my ear, her hands on my neck, her legs wrapped around my waist.

I dropped onto the bed beside her, my chest heaving, my body shaking from the intensity of the passion we'd just shared. I closed my eyes, my breath burning my throat. She rolled into me, her body pressed against mine, her head resting on my chest. Her auburn hair clung in wet, sweaty strands across her forehead. I kissed the top of her head. "Holy fuck that was amazing," I mumbled.

Victoria giggled into my chest. "Oh Nicky," she whispered, "I love you so, so much."

I wasn't quite ready to say it back yet - some how it felt like, I dunno, weird to tell my imagination that I loved it. Yet... Victoria was more than that.

"You don't have to say it yet," she amended. The fact that she could read my thoughts was unnerving - yet convenient when your entire world is focused on breathing in and out. Victoria smiled, I could feel her cheeks shift against my chest.

I hugged her. "So let's say I wanna do this," I whispered, "Let's say I'm crazy and I want you to be my girlfriend.." I paused, feeling insane even saying the words. "How do I do that?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, looking up at me.

"Well, like," I shrugged, "How do I tell the guys? How do I actually... be with you?"

Victoria laughed, "How do you normally do it?" she asked.

"I just... am with the girl..." I answered, "I go places, bring her places, buy her stuff."

Victoria laughed, "So do that with me."

"People are going to think I'm crazy, though."

Victoria laughed, "You always over think things, Nicky," she said. "It's simple, you don't have to put that much thought into it. You just need to be with me. That's it. Just be with me the way you'd just be with anyone else."

"But the fellas are going to wanna meet you," I replied slowly.

"Well, cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now, all you need to worry about is us being together." She kissed my chest.

I sighed, letting the stress melt out of my fingertips as she clung to me. "You're right," I murmured, relaxing under her as she kissed down the length of my core.



"You what?" AJ looked at me, incredulous, then glanced nervously at the other two guys as we unloaded our stuff from the car in Bangalore the next day.

"I got a girlfriend," I said, shrugging.

Brian's eyebrows knit together, "Nick, you can't date the fans."

"I'm NOT," I protested, "Dude why would you think that?"

"Because that's the only females you've been around the last two days," Brian responded, "Other than Leigh, Leighanne and Rochelle, of course."

"I met her online, thank you," I lied.

Brian snorted, "Oh my gosh, Nick, you're kidding me."

"I happened to have Skyped with her," I snapped back at Brian, frowning.

Brian sighed, and said no more, dragging his suitcase away.

AJ patted my arm, "Dude if you're that desperate for some sex, we can go get lap dances or something later. Seriously, cyber sex sucks."

I rolled my eyes, "It's not like that, AJ."

"Okay - just saying," he said, shrugging, "Cos seriously I wouldn't mind that actually."

"I'm sure Rochelle will give you a lap dance if you ask her," I snapped. I headed into the hotel, leaving AJ behind snickering to himself because, like me, he knew it was true.

Victoria was waiting for me in the elevator when it opened to bring me upstairs. I dropped my bag as soon as the door closed and pulled her to me. "They think I'm nuts," I whispered.

I leaned her against the wall, tempted to hit the stop button on the elevator so we could play some on the ride. “Maybe you are a little bit,” she whispered in a husky voice, “But aren’t I worth it?”

“Yes,” I murmured, my palm striking the button. The elevator car slammed to a stop and my mouth devoured hers…

ONE WEEK


From Bangalore, we traveled to Seoul, Taipei City, Manila and Suntec City in Singapore. The week went like crazy-fast, a blur. Each night while we were on the stage, Victoria stood with me and guided me through the moves. She’d become a staple part of the show for me, a security blanket as we moved through the choreography and songs. She laughed and pointed out fans who were being especially crazy in the audience.

As pictures began to surface on the Internet of our performances, the fans were going nuts. There’s something different about Nick, they kept writing on forums, You can see it in his eyes.

Victoria smiled over my shoulder as I looked through the comments on the fan forums in Singapore. “See, this is good for you,” she whispered, kissing my cheek, “The fans love it. You get so hot with me there… and they’re lapping it up.” I turned my face to kiss her and she wrapped her arms around my neck, under my chin. “Are you happy, Nicky?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said without hesitation.

She smiled, “Good.”

A knock at the door made her disappear, though. Dammit, I thought. I’d been doing so good keeping her there, even with distractions. I dropped the screen to the lap top and went to the door, peeked through the peephole, and opened it up, allowing Brian into the room.

“Hey Nick,” Brian said, standing there awkwardly. He looked at his shoes, “I got to talk to you.”

“What’s up?” I asked.

Brian sighed heavily, “Nick, what’s going on? Seriously?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Brian’s eyebrow raised. “What do I mean? You’ve been acting weird all week. You never want to hang out with us, you’re distant when you do. You’ve said like four sentences all week at the soundcheck parties for the fans…” he sighed, “And you’ve been in your own little world on stage. Seriously? What do I mean?”

“I was just looking at fan photos,” I said, gesturing toward the computer, “They seem to like it okay.”

Brian shook his head, “They aren’t here, they aren’t seeing the whole thing. Nick, you’ve been acting really weird and honestly the fact that you don’t recognize that scares the hell out of me.” He paused. “Who is this girlfriend of yours anyway? The Internet girl?”

“She’s just this really great girl I met, that’s all,” I answered, “Her name is Victoria, and she’s gorgeous.” I smiled happily, feeling my mouth go all dopey. The more time I spent with Victoria, the more I realized how right she’d been that she was my soulmate, that she was perfect for me, that we did belong together…

Brian pointed at me, “See, this is what I’m talking about…”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“That dopey, weird grin you just got there,” he said, “That’s what you’ve been doing all week. You don’t actually answer or do anything, you just grin like a crazy person and stare off into the horizon.”

I laughed, “Brian, I’m just happy. Can’t I just be happy?”

“Yeah but I’m worried, Nick. I mean this all started with you getting sick in Tokyo. What if there’s some weird thing going on? Maybe when we get to Australia we should have you get checked.”

“Brian, I don’t need to get checked,” I protested. “Honestly, I’m fine.”

He stared at me, his face clearly showing that he wasn’t certain he believed that. “I’m just worried, that’s all,” he said finally.

After a few minutes of talking about the show that night, and the after party, I showed Brian to the door and closed it behind me, returning to the computer screen. “Vicky?” I called out. I didn’t hear her anywhere in the room. I sighed, and stared at the computer. My mind worked over the things Brian had said as I looked at the fan comments. There’s something different about Nick, you can see it in his eyes.

Well that’s a good thing, right?

“Here I am,” she was at my side and I instantly felt the stress melt out of me. “It’s okay baby,” she said kissing my shoulder.

“Why does my being happy make him so worried for?” I asked her, “Why can’t Brian just be happy that I’m happy?”

“Maybe he’s jealous,” Victoria suggested, running her hand across my chest.

I laughed, “Brian? Jealous of me? Yeah right. Brian’s got everything, why would he be jealous of me?”

Victoria kissed the soft spot just behind my ear lobe. I thought I was gonna die from the feeling of her mouth softly sucking on the sensitive skin there. I melted backwards into her, and completely forgot about Brian.

WELCOME TO THE LAND DOWN UNDER


Men at Work was blasting through my headphones, as I always did when we arrived in Australia. It was the anthem of the nation, for crying out loud! I walked through the airport, bopping my head to the sound of the beat, looking around. I smiled at the line about meeting a strange lady who made me nervous, and wondered where Victoria was at.

The moment I thought of her, she was at my side, her hand on my forearm. She smiled, "It's pretty here."

Because the fellas were all in close proximity, I couldn't answer, so I just nodded subtly, and led the way through the airport, dragging my suitcase behind me. Victoria's arm stayed looped through mine until we reached the sidewalk, where a limousine was waiting. We all climbed in, and Victoria sat on the floor of the limo, right at my feet, leaning her head against my knee sleepily. I'd stayed awake on the plane talking to Victoria, rather than sleeping, and it was taking its toll on us both.

Howie was staring down at his cell phone, sighing. "Leigh said the girls' plane got delayed," he said, "They're still in Singapore."

Rochelle, Leighanne, Leigh and James were on their way back to the United States, rather than continuing on with us during the March portion of the tour. Victoria had pointed out how convenient she was - she never had to leave me, she was with me wherever I was, and she didn't even cost money to keep on the tour. She was simply there.

Brian sighed, "I hate that they couldn't have at least flown here and left from here. I hate leaving them in another country like this..."

"We left the best of the best with them," AJ commented, referring to Marcus, one of our most trusted security guards. "Besides, I'm pretty sure Rochelle could take anyone that pissed her off enough. Even if it's a freaking UFC fighter or a sumo wrestler..." AJ laughed.

Howie sighed, "Leigh's just all worked up about James and the germs."

"That kid's gonna be like OCD when he gets older," AJ commented, rolling his eyes, "Ya'll are way too overprotective of him."

Victoria looked up at me, "See? I'm stress-free." I smiled.



I was laying on the stage in the venue, staring up at the riggings for the lights as some crew members were working on setting them up. Victoria was laying beside me, using my arm as a pillow. It was peaceful on the empty stage, with her beside me, and I was almost asleep.

"Do you feel like your dreams came true?" Victoria asked suddenly.

"My dreams?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "When you were little, you told me you wanted to be a singer when you grew up." She took my hand in hers and inspected it. "Is it everything you wanted it t to be? Being a singer?"

"Yes," I answered. "Except it's better." Victoria kissed my hand gently. "How about you?" I asked, "Did you get everything you dreamt of?"

She laughed, "I didn't dream of much Nick."

"How come?"

"You didn't dream it for me," she answered simply, as though that should've been obvious. "Ironically, though, the thing you dreamed for me I never got, no. At least not yet."

"And what was that?" I asked.

"I wanted to be your wife one day," she answered.

I smiled, "Well, don't rule it out."

"I won't," she answered.

I heard familiar footsteps crossing the stage, and Victoria disappeared as Howie stopped, looming over me, his feet exactly where Victoria's chest had been just seconds before. I wanted to scream at him not to stand on her, like a little kid panicking over an empty seat on a bus. The only reason I was able to restrain myself was because my body was so sleepy I couldn't get the words to slip from my mouth.

"What are you doing Nick? We've been looking everywhere for you," Howie said, extending a hand to help me up. I ignored it.

"I was taking a nap," I answered, frowning.

"On the stage?" Howie looked perplexed.

I shrugged, "It's comfortable."

"Why don't you nap at the hotel?" he asked, confused.

The real reason was because Brian and I had been lumped together to share a room. I had wanted to be with Victoria, and that simply wasn't possible with Brian in the next bed watching a muted TV rerun of last year's basket ball championship game.

Howie frowned, "Well, the three of us and a bunch of crew are going to lunch on the water, you coming?"

"I don't feel like it," I said, thinking that I'd rather score some alone time in the hotel room with Victoria, since Howie was taking Brian out of the picture.

He sighed and shook his head, "Fine, whatever Nick." He trotted across the stage quickly, mumbling in Spanish.

I sat up and stretched. Victoria was suddenly behind me, rubbing my shoulders. "There you go," she whispered, massaging the kinks out of them with her strong fingers, "How's that?"

"Thanks," I said. What was wrong with Howie? I wondered.

"He thinks you're being stupid," she explained, point blank. "They've been plotting how to take you away from me all week. They think you're sick."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not sick, I just wanna be alone with you." I looked up at her, "Why do they have such a problem with that? They always get alone time with their women..."

"Well people expect that," she pointed out, "I mean, you can see their women." Victoria laughed. "Now about that empty hotel room of yours..."

"I was thinking exactly the same thing," I answered as she ran a hand along my neck.

"I love that we're on the same page," she said, smiling.



Victoria and I were in the middle of having sex, the covers pulled up over our heads, my body shaking. The hotel room had been rocking with our moans all afternoon. I clutched her to me as we moved together rhythmically. She groaned in my ear.

Suddenly, the hotel room door banged open and I could hear Brian and AJ talking. I started to let go of Victoria, but she grabbed my face and turned my head to look at her. "Don't leave me," she begged, "Not now, we're so close..."

"But..." AJ and Brian will see us, I thought, desperately.

"They can't see me," Victoria reminded me.

That's even worse, I thought.

"Uhh, Nick?" Brian's voice sounded awkward.

AJ laughed, "Oh fuck I uh, I think we're ... interrupting something..."

"Nick!" Brian's voice was angry now.

Victoria started kissing my chest. I lifted the blanket off my head, careful to keep Victoria concealed beneath it, and looked at him, my body still in the awkward position over Victoria. My face and back were drenched in sweat. "Can you please come back later?" I demanded, breathless.

Brian was covering his eyes and he quickly turned away. AJ was leaning against the jamb and snorted, smirking, and gave me the thumbs up. He turned and followed Brian and the door slammed behind them.

My libido having been sufficiently murdered by their presence, I rolled off of Victoria and landed in a heap on the bed.

She sat up, clutching the blanket around her breasts. Her long slender back was fully visible, though, the vertebrae in her spine a design under her skin. I reached out and rolled my fingertip down them slowly, but it didn't have the same effect on her as it always did on me. She just sat there.

I sighed. Her lack of response sent my mind into worrying about Brian and AJ. What the hell was I going to tell them?

"Why do you have to tell them anything?" she asked, shrugging. "They're too intrusive on your life. Like they need to know everything you're doing, everywhere you are, at all times. What is that about?"

I shrugged, "They're just my friends, that's all."

"It's too much," she said, shaking her head, "They can't even leave you alone for ten minutes. Seriously, they ask you to go do stuff like everyday. You work so hard and spend so much time dedicated to this Backstreet Boys thing, you barely have any time to yourself to just relax." She looked at me, "You deserve a vacation."

"A vacation?" I laughed, "Well that's gonna be awhile, we're working straight through until September practically..."

Victoria sighed, "You work too hard."

"I have a break coming up," I pointed out, "Almost a whole month."

She smiled and turned to me, sliding down so the length of her spanned most of the length of me. She climbed on top of me and I closed my eyes, a moan rising from my throat. "Good," she whispered, "We can spend more time together alone."



"So glad you could join us," Brian commented with a laugh that was mean t for the fans' benefit. I could tell the sentence was meant bitterly, though.

Thanks to Victoria's attentions, I had arrived at sound check ten minutes late and the fans were already in the stadium. They were crowded around in the first few rows in front of the stage, and several had spotted me coming out and started screaming wildly. AJ had glanced back and given me another thumbs up - at least one of the guys appreciated that I'd been having sex and couldn't exactly run off from it.

Howie leaned into his microphone, "Get stuck in traffic again Nicky?" he teased.

It didn't bother me when Victoria called me Nicky, but I hated it when Howie did and he knew it. He smiled at me in a weird way, and I recognized it as a jab. They were all irritated with me. I sighed. "Yeah, traffic, it's crazy." I stared at my fingers.

Brian sighed and picked up his water bottle, taking a long sip off it.

The sound check went typically. I mean nothing terribly exciting happened, it was just what we always did. Sit on the stools, sing, banter, sing, take fan photos, etc, etc, etc. By the time we were done, though, I was exhausted from putting too much effort into getting along with the guys, acting like nothing was bothering me. I wanted to go back to the hotel room and hide under the sheets with Victoria again, where I didn't have to think so hard or put so much effort in.

It was becoming challenging to be me.

The fans walked out of the venue, glancing back at me and the guys, clutching their autographed photos and cameras. One girl waved to me and I half-heartedly waved back. Just go, I thought, my eyelids feeling heavy.

Victoria's right, I thought, I do work to hard.

The moment the doors closed behind the last fan, the guys turned on me.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Howie demanded.

"Who the hell were you sleeping with?" AJ asked.


"Nick, what're you doing?" Brian cried.

I stepped back from them, shellshocked by the rapid fire questions, feeling like I was under attack. "Whoa, whoa," I said, holding up my hands, "Whoa, cool your jets. So I was a few minutes late," I snapped, "So what? Christ, I can't help it if there was traffic."

"That's bullshit Nickolas," Howie yelled, his Puerto Rican accent coming out as he barked my name.

AJ laughed, "Down, Jose," he joked, patting Howie's shoulder. Howie threw AJ's touch off with a grunt. AJ made a face as if to say whoa, okay and backed a good three feet away from Howie.

"It's not bullshit, why else would I be late?"

"Cos you were getting laid," AJ suggested.

"In the hotel room that we share," Brian added. "Nick, you didn't even put a do not disturb sign up..." he complained.

"And what happened to that Internet chick, Victoria?" AJ asked.

I glared at him, "Oh like you're Mr. Faithful over here..."

AJ's eyebrows raised, "Uh excuse me?"

I pointed at him, "Yeah, you always have two or three girls on the side of your relationships. Like you're one to talk about having sex and a girlfriend on the side. Don't even start with me."

"Dude I was on your side," AJ snapped, "Now I think you're being a jerk off."

Brian shook his head, "So now you're gonna have multiple relationships and act like a douche to us, too? Nick, act like a moron to us all you want, but that doesn't mean you get to take it out on the fans. You totally crushed all those girls just now." He waved a hand at the place where our little crowd of fans had been. "They paid a lot of money to get back here, money that we need to keep up a tour like this, and you act like a putz to them..."

"I didn't act like a putz to them," I argued.

"No? Sorry, I was under the impression they liked it when you responded and talked and did more than sit there like a drugged baboon..." Brian hung his arms down his side and slumped and puckered out his lower lip and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and stood still like that a moment.

Howie sighed, "The point is Nick, you're not... you.... lately, and it's getting ridiculous. If you don't get your act together you're going to ruin everything we've worked so hard for..."

"You guys are so fucking critical of me!" I yelled, my voice echoing off the walls through the stadium. Some crew guys looked up, surprised by my volume. "You're being fucking mean!"

"We're not being mean," Brian argued.

"We're just telling you what's going on," Howie agreed.

"Well I fucking don't need you to baby-sit me twenty-four/seven," I shouted, my body tensing up, "I'm a grown up. Just leave me alone for ten minutes without begging me to do shit with you or criticizing me! Christ!" I stormed off the stage, my sneakers hitting the floor with loud claps, and locked myself in the bathroom backstage.

As soon as the door was closed, I leaned against it and sank to the floor, grabbing my forehead in my hands and squeezing my eyes shut. I was angry, and I didn't know why. I felt so disconnected from myself, from the me that I'd been a week and a half ago to the me that I was now. I rocked myself, clutching my head, tears pouring down my face.

What the hell is wrong with me? I wondered. Why do I feel like this?

"It's going to be okay, Nicky," Victoria snaked her arms around me, holding me as I rocked. She rested her cheek against my head. Her body moved fluidly with mine. "My poor baby," she whispered as I broke down into gut-wrenching sobs.... and I didn't even know why.

BAD SHOW


"Nick?" Brian's voice was gentle through the bathroom door. "Nick, the show's starting in a few minutes, and make-up still needs to get you ready. Could you come out so we can get you wired and done up?"

I was laying on the floor. Victoria was rubbing my back. I'd been staring at the crack of light under the door. I could just see the soles of Brian's sneakers - the stupid huge white things that were way, way too big for his height.

"Please Nick," he called, sounding defeated. "We didn't mean to upset you, okay? Please. I - we - are sorry."

I looked away from the crack, not wanting to see his feet shifting.

"You should go," Victoria whispered.

I sighed and sat up.

She smiled, "There ya go."

When I opened the bathroom door, Brian was leaning against the wall beside it, a worried expression on his face. He gave me a once-over, as though making sure I was in one piece, and let out a sigh of relief. "Come on," he said sadly, "Make-up and wardrobe want you."

Victoria had disappeared somewhere between telling me to go and me actually going, and I followed Brian through the backstage to the dressing rooms, where very stressed looking stylists quickly patched me together to the best of their ability. No amount of powder and goop was going to get rid of the red rims around my eyes, though, and even after they were done I still looked like I'd been through a war without a helmet.

Crew got my battery pack and head set on my head, and adjusted the wires over my ears so they wouldn't fall out with my face-paced dance moves.

As the video started for the entrance to the stage, and we were making our way through the darkness to the back of the curtain we were about to burst through, I tried to summons Victoria to me, desperate for some help in staying calm. But she didn't come. I sighed, my heart kind of breaking a little bit by her absence, and followed the guys as we jumped onto the stage, the lights coming up and glaring at us as the fans let out loud, excited screeches.

I felt like I was falling apart at the seams through the entire show. Every note was killing me, draining me completely until I sank onto the stage props during More Than That and breathed deep, shaking breaths. The show, the fans – it was all a blur around me, like I was watching it in a hazy memory, somewhere outside of myself. I forgot choreography without Victoria there to guide me through as she’d done all week. I was delayed, missed entire lines. Brian picked up one full verse for me during one song, and we laughed off having to restart I Want It That Way, when I completely forgot to start singing.

I could see the fans in the front row watching me with scared eyes.

At the end of the show, when the last pyro popped and the end credits video was rolling up the screen, I dropped to my knees just off the stage. I was clearly not even out of the fan’s views yet, as I heard them gasp as I went down. Victoria, I thought, I need you…

Suddenly there were hands under my arms, pulling me up and that surge of strength at came from her filled me. “Come on,” she whispered, pulling me through the dark of the backstage area. “God you’re shaking like a leaf,” she whispered. She brought me to the dressing room and set me down in the director’s-style chair inside before kicking the door shut. “Nicky,” she whispered, her hand touching my cheek. “What happened?”

“I dunno,” I murmured. “It was … that was awful.”

The dressing room door banged opened and the three other guys poured into the room, all three of them looking concerned. “Are you on drugs?” AJ demanded.

“No,” I said honestly.

Howie looked from AJ to Brian. “Are you sick?”

“No,” I said again.

“Nick, we want you to get checked out,” Brian said. “What happened tonight was just… it’s crazy, Nick. Obviously something’s wrong, and we don’t want you to find out the hard way, when it’s too late, that you should’ve done something sooner.”

I looked at my feet. “But nothing is wrong. I don’t know why I can’t focus, I don’t know why.”

“That’s why there’s obviously something wrong, Nick,” AJ said pointedly.

“It wasn’t really that bad tonight, was it? I mean for the most part I did okay, right?”

“Nick, you sang like three times during the whole show!” Howie exclaimed.

Victoria was standing five feet to my right, watching as the conversation progressed. She was scowling.

“Nick,” Howie continued, “If you don’t buck up, we have to cancel the US portion of the tour, don’t you get that?”

I looked up, shocked. “Cancel the tour? Why?”

“Because we can’t have fans paying to come to see four Backstreet Boys perform and getting to see three, plus a zombie off to the side of the stage that used to be their favorite of the four. Let’s face it, Nick, if you aren’t you, they aren’t happy.”

“I’m not sick, though,” I argued. “What good is a doctor going to do me if there’s nothing wrong with me? It’s not like I’m puking or anything.”

Brian sighed, “We don’t want you to see a doctor-doctor, Nick,” he said slowly, “We want you to see a psychologist.”

I blinked at him in surprise. “You guys think I’m retarded or something,” I whispered.

AJ snorted, “Think?” but Brian elbowed him - hard - in the side. “Ow, dammit, what the fuck?” AJ whined.

Howie shook his head, “We aren’t saying you’re retarded, Nick, we’re saying there’s something going on and you need some help, that’s all. And if a psych is going to fix it… then why not try it, right?” He smiled cautiously.

“They’ll take me away from you…” Victoria whispered, horror struck in the corner, her palms to her cheeks, shaking her head. Her eyes were swimming with tears. “They’re trying to take me away from you!”

I felt her anger swell up inside me. I got up and stormed out of the dressing room door, slamming it behind me, and marching toward the back entrance where I knew our cars were waiting to take us to the after party at a club in the city. I’m not going to the party, I thought, bitterly. “Hey take me to the hotel,” I commanded the driver, and he tilted his head in recognition of the request and started off for the hotel.

“You can’t let them take me away,” begged Victoria, suddenly appearing at my side, “Please! If they take me away from you…” she looked at me, frightened, “I die without you, Nick. Your heart beat is my heart beat, your thoughts are my thoughts, your life is my life. Every part of us is entwined inseparably. Nick, if they take me away not only do I die, but part of you will, too.”

“They can’t take you away from me,” I muttered, shaking my head.

“They can, Nick,” Victoria said. “And if you let them, they will.”

UNEXPECTED RETURN


The fellas agreed to let me wait to get checked until the break. We'd be heading home to the US on the 18th of March and it was already the 2nd. They agreed that it would be better to see someone I could return to again if I needed to, and the flight was a little long from Los Angeles to Melbourne for a doctor's appointment. Victoria and I had devised the idea of putting off the appointment in hopes that the guys would forget about it altogether.

The next couple shows - in fact all our Australian dates - I worked extra hard to stay focused, and for the most part I think I succeeded. The worried looks the guys had been giving me had softened and Victoria accompanied me on the stage to keep my dance moves in line. I felt like I was being coached by a personal choreographer throughout the entire show, and it was exactly what I needed.

When we arrived in Auckland, New Zealand, I was exhausted from all the exertion we'd been putting into the shows.

Auckland was like a tropical paradise. It was gorgeous. Victoria and I spent some wonderful hours on a secluded beach outside the hotel, our toes being licked by the water as we rolled about on the sad, our mouths searching each other, and our hands running along every curve of our bodies. It smelled like flowers and salt all around us, and our bodies were covered in sand in no time. We sank into the water to rid the grains from our bodies and our bodies came together even there, floating in the water like buoys. It was one of the sexiest afternoons I'd ever experienced.

When I got on stage that night, I think I must've been glowing from it, because nobody had any complaints at all about the performance. I even managed to focus on the fans and see individual faces instead of a colorful blur, as I had been seeing for weeks.

The problem didn't start until we were at the after party... and then, well... the weirdest thing ever happened...

Howie, Brian and I were the only ones to go. AJ stayed back at the hotel because he was exhausted. The three of us got to the club in the limousine to find the fans had already bombarded the place and it was already rocking away. We entered in as the guests of honor, and the fans started screaming at the sight of us. We were led to a raised VIP platform, where waitresses buzzed by to offer us drinks and food while Howie texted Leigh and Brian made silly faces at a cluster of girls directly behind him.

I was trying to figure out how to get Victoria there.

I was standing off to one side, envisioning her and wondering where she was, when I suddenly felt a squeeze on my ass. I turned around, expecting to see Vicky, but instead was greeted by...

"Melly?"

Howie looked up from his texting as the word tumbled out of my mouth. His eyes growing wide like saucers. He tugged Brian's shirt sleeve and pointed at me. Brian choked.

"Nick!" Melly wrapped her arms around me.

I blinked in shock. Sure, if we were in the U.S., I could almost see this happening, but in Auckland, New Zealand? "What the --- how..."

She hugged me sweetly, her hazel eyes gazing up into mine. "I thought about what you said," she explained, "About it being a mistake to leave..." Melly's eyes welled up.

"I..."

"What's going on?"

I looked to my side, my eyes popped wide. Victoria had chosen this moment to appear. She looked at Melly, who was looking at me in confusion at my panicked expression into what she thought was empty air.

I could feel the guys eyes on me.

"I..." I literally had no fucking clue what to say, who to say it to, or what the crap to do. I could feel my heart racing, my blood pumping through my veins.

"Nick?" Melly asked, eyes pleading.

"Why is she here?" Victoria demanded, her voice sharp.

"Nick?" Melly touched my chin.

"Get your hands off him, whore!" cried Victoria eyes wide. She looked at me, "Get her hands off of you!" she demanded, motioning for me to swat Melly away.

"Melly, I --" I started, but Victoria reached for my face and yanked me away from Melly. I stumbled awkwardly backwards and crashed through the barricade on the edge of the raised platform, knocking over a table with some full shot glasses sitting on it, and fell into the crowd of girls that filled the club, Victoria falling with me, her eyes deep scarlet red.

"Oh my God," screamed Melly.

I only vaguely saw Brian and Howie stand up, frightened looks on their faces, before I hit the floor and the fans converged over me and Victoria. Pure pandemonium broke out. Victoria was complaining in a loud, throaty voice that I was certain everyone could hear, whether they could see her or not. My head hit the cement floor. Fans were screaming in fear, surprise and excitement all around me. Melly was sobbing in shock, Brian was yelling "Security!" while Howie himself jumped the barricade and started shoving between the girls.

"I told you," Victoria snarled in my face as Howie was digging his way through the girls, "She is no good for you."

"I didn't invite her here!" I snapped into Victoria's face. A fan looked surprised as she jostled to get closer to me. I ignored her. "I didn't tell Melly to come here!"

"But she's here," Victoria wailed. "I don't want you being with her, I don't want you anywhere near her." Her eyes were redder than blood, her voice sharp and raspy with anger.

"I don't want to be," I snapped, "I only wanna be around YOU."

Howie suddenly grabbed hold of the girl directly beyond Victoria and pulled her back. Victoria vanished as Howie knelt down over me, his eyes wide with shock and his forehead drenched with sweat. Beyond, I could hear security guards pulling fans out of the way. "Are you okay?" Howe asked, paranoia swarming in his voice. I nodded weakly. Suddenly Marcus and Drew were both leaning over me as well, their eyes flaring, ready to ward off more fans, should the occasion arise. I suddenly realized I was flat on my back in the center of a nearly perfect half circle of fans who were staring at me.

I felt ridiculous.

I looked up at Howie. "I wanna go home," I said.

Howie sighed, "Me, too."

NOTHING SHE CAN DO


Victoria stayed away the entire next day.

Melly, however, did not.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, lowering a bowl of soup on the coffee table beside the sofa where I was laying. Howie and Brian had gotten me out of there with the help of Marcus and Drew, got me back to the hotel and left me in Melly's expert care; Melly was a part-time nurse at the local elementary school.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered. The back of my head had swelled up from the strike against the cement, and a bandage had been affixed there. I'd gone to the hospital and gotten checked out and they'd said I was fine, but I was starting to wonder if they knew about concussions at all here because I felt like I maybe had one. I'd been concussed many, many times before, and I recognized the feeling pretty well.

Melly sat down on the floor beside me and stared up at me. "I can't help but feel like this is my fault, shocking you like that..."

I shrugged, "Not really... it wasn't you that did it." Freaking Victoria... I thought. And now she doesn't even come around, what the hell?

Melly sighed, "I just feel like you wouldn't have been so startled if I hadn't just shown up out of no where." She took my hand, "Nick I'm so sorry... I just had to see you again, and it didn't matter how far I had to travel." Melly smiled sadly. "I didn't want us to make a mistake."

I looked at Melly, her eyes were so soft and sincere... My heart kinda melted a little bit, and my anger at Victoria dissolved. I smiled at Melly, reaching my hand down to touch her face gently. It was like we'd never parted all of a sudden, and I closed my eyes, just enjoying the feeling of her skin against my palm. "I'm glad you came," I said honestly.

Melly kissed the heel of my hand gently and laid her own hand over mine. "I am, too," she said. She moved and I blinked open my eyes. She held out the soup. "Here, eat." She spooned a mouthful and held it out to me.

I laughed, "You're gonna feed me?" I asked.

"I am," she said, laughing back. She leaned closer and held the spoon to my mouth. I took the bite, staring into her eyes. The soup could've tasted like shit and it would've been the best soup I ever ate. Melly smiled as she fed me, her eyes dancing just watching me. "God I never realized how fucking much I missed you until I heard your voice the other day," she confessed.

"I missed you every moment," I answered.

"I didn't let myself feel it," Melly explained, "I knew I couldn't handle it." When the soup was gone, she put the bowl back on the coffee table and leaned closer to kiss me. She ran her hand across my chest gently as our mouths melted into each other. I tried to move to wrap my arms around her, but it hurt too much to twist that direction - every part of my body was sore - and I settled for touching her shoulder while we kissed.

"I guess it's safe to say you knuckleheads got back together, then, eh?"

Melly pulled back and we looked up to see Brian standing in the doorway, a smile on his face. "I just came over to check on ya'll," he added.

"Hey Brian," Melly said, smiling.

"Hey Bri."

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" he asked me, raising an eyebrow.

"What? I'm resting..." I said, smirking.

"Right," Brian laughed, "Resting. Is that what you kids are calling it these days?"

Melly laughed, "It's better than - what did you use to call it? Oh right, going to church?"

Brian turned red. "It was the only excuse we had to leave Baylee with security on tour, thank you very much." He grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and opened up the fridge and took out my orange juice.

I looked at Melly, who was smiling out at Brian in knowing manner. How could I have thought I could ever replace her with an imaginary girlfriend? I wondered. Welcome back to reality, Nick, I thought.



Melly's giggle cut the dark as I laid my hand on her breast, my arm snaked under her shirt. She wiggled under my touch and I kissed her mouth to quiet her. "I," kiss, "want," kiss, "to kiss," kiss, "every," kiss, "square inch," kiss, "of your body." I held her close.

"Nick," she whispered, her voice lowing as my fingers rolled across her nipple and I kissed down her chin to her neck. Melly's hands found my neck and she began massaging gently. My other hand traveled down her body and over the front of her jeans. I undid the button and she wriggled and I pushed the denim down until she was able to kick them off. I'd been in boxers and a t-shirt all day, there was nothing much to remove from me. "God, you're so amazing," Melly whispered as my hand found its target and I pushed her panties aside to access her.

I can't believe you. The thought wasn't my own. It wasn't even in my own 'voice'. It was Victoria's. From inside me.

A little unnerved, my hand faltered, stopping at a bad moment and Melly whimpered underneath me, returning my attention to her. I used the opportunity to push her shirt over her head gently, her face contorted in desire, and started nipping my way over the lacy bra that confined her perfect breasts while I fought to undo the clasp.

Look at you, having sex with her. She just got her, you're barely back together. She's a whore. Victoria's voice was thick with emotional rage.

"No," I whispered.

"What?" Melly gasped.

I looked up at her, my mind raced for a response, realizing I'd answered Victoria out loud. "No...one compares to you," I said shakily, and before she could register how strangely the words had come out, I managed to pop the bra and my mouth connected with her breasts and she moaned, her head dipping back into the pillows as I nipped and sucked gently, her hips pushing up into my abdomen in a pleading manner.

How can you do this to me, Nick? Victoria demanded.

Stop. Go away, I thought in the general 'direction' of the voice in my head. Just stop, you aren't even real.

This... this was real.

The more my hands and mouth roamed Melly's body and tasted the sweet flavor of her skin, the more I realized that Victoria had never been real, that she'd always be in my head, and as great as my vivid imagination had been... I'd never been satisfied beyond the feeling of a damn good hand job.

Melly scratched my back as I moved past her breasts, kissing across her skin, crawling backwards down the bed. Her hands slid off me as I moved out of her reach, and she bit her lips and hummed little whimpers as my hands parted her thighs and rubbed them softly, staring down at her.

Not real? Victoria's voice in my head just wouldn't stop. I tried to submerge it below my consciousness. You don't think I'm real? Her laughter echoed around the inside of my head. Oh Nicky, Nicky... She paused. If you do this... if you try to leave me... you are going to be so sorry...

No, I won't, I thought, There's nothing you can do to me.

I dropped down between Melly's legs, my mouth kissing softly along her thighs. She twitched in anticipation until finally, I gave her what she wanted and she reached down, her hands on my hair, gasping.

Nothing I can do to you, huh? Victoria demanded, laughing again. Nothing I can do? How about this?

Suddenly an unbelievable, excruciating pain shot through my head. My mouth dropped open and I gasped loudly, a scream caught in my throat, unable to come out, tears falling from my eyes uncontrollably. It was about a million times worse than the most horrible migraine I'd ever had. I felt like my skull was going to explode.

Melly, not realizing what was happening moaned, "Don't stop..."

I pounded my fist into the bed.

"Nick?" Melly sat up, her voice was shaky, but concerned. "Nick?"

Aw, does it hurt? Victoria's voice was teasing.

"Make it stop," I whimpered.

Melly's hands were gentle as she rolled me over, looking down into my eyes, "Nick? What's happening, what hurts, baby?" she asked.

My arms wrapped around my head. I felt like I had to hold it together or it would split open. A sound like the worst feedback I'd ever heard filled my head, bouncing off the inside of my brain and echoing, making it worse and louder and sharper. "Fucking A, fucking A," I sobbed.

Melly's eyes were pure panic. She slid out from under me and started grabbing articles of clothing off the floor, pulling them on and snatching the phone off the bed. I rolled back and forth on the bed. "Stooooop," I sobbed, my words directed to Victoria. Over the noise in my head, I could hear her laughing.

"Brian?" Melly's voice was panicked, "Brian get over here, please - now. Something's very wrong."

You said you'd never hurt me, I screamed in my head.

You said you'd never forget me, she argued, You said I could be your wife, you said you loved me. That you wanted to be with me.

But I love Melly, and she's... she's not my imagination...

Just because I'm in your head doesn't mean I'm not real! Victoria screamed.

My body was so tense, I couldn't move. The pressure in my head seemed to increase every moment I lay there. I had no comprehension of how or when but Brian was suddenly there, talking. I couldn't make out the words, only his presence. His hands were on my shoulders, shaking me gently, trying to get me to talk, but my tongue felt like led.

What are you doing to me?

If you won't be with me out there, Nick, Victoria answered, Then I'm just going to have to keep you in here.

What?

I'm not letting you go, Nick.

Suddenly, I felt like I was on fire. Every inch of my body burned. I started shaking.

Nick! Brian's voice echoed, as though from somewhere far... far away.

Suddenly I was aware I was laying on the floor in a room. I stood up. "Where am I?" I asked, looking around. It was a strange room, like a garage, things hanging up on the walls and tucked into corners. Every square inch of it was stuffed with something. Two huge windows loomed to my left. "What is this place?"

Nick? Jesus, please... Brian's voice sounded the way Victoria's had... as though it was in my head...

Victoria suddenly was there, her hands dragging across my chest as she walked in a full circle around me. My eyes moved around the room. "Where are we?" I asked her. She stopped in front of me and stared up at me.

"I told you Nick. If you won't be with me out there... then I'm keeping you in here..." her mouth slid into a frown. "I told you... it's nearly impossible to get me out of your head once I'm in it." She smiled, "Well.. it's even harder for you to get out."

THE ROOM


I was alone in the room. The only sound was that of my own breathing. "Victoria?" I called. She'd disappeared. I swallowed. The air was thick and heavy here, like it hadn't moved in a long time. I sat down on the floor after awhile, not daring to move. My eyes darted around at all the random assortment of stuff.

I knew this stuff.

I got up, and walked delicately to the corner, afraid that if I tread too hard some avalanche would happen, or an alarm would go off. I reached the corner and my hand grazed the lime green handles of a pogo stick Bobbie-Jean and I had shared when we were younger. I slid my fingers down the metal frame and stared at it. I'd never been able to balance right on it. She'd been a pro.

My eyes shifted to a basket ball, that lay on the ground. The dimples nearly all worn off. Brian and I had dragged that ball around on like five years worth of tours when we first started. It had finally been lost in Germany when he overshot the throw and it bounced out of the barricaded area and a fan had snatched it up.

I bent down and picked up a broken GI Joe doll. His arm was completely missing. "Moooom," I could almost hear ten year old me, in tears, "Aaron broke GI Joeeee...!" She hadn't cared. She'd told me to let my brother play with my stuff and not to be so upset over material things.

"You cried forever over that," Victoria said, leaning over my shoulder. My heart pounded wildly, as it had when she'd first started showing up. She looked at me funny, evidently hearing the change in my heart rate. She shook her head. "You used to trust me."

"Where are we?" I asked.

Victoria didn't answer. Instead, she walked a couple feet away and picked up a notebook. She flipped it opened expertly and held up a page. In my sloppy nine year old script was her name, labeling a fairly good drawing of her - for a kid anyways. "You used to love me." She threw the notebook on the floor haphazardly.

She started towards me, but I turned away. If she wasn't gonna answer my questions, then I was gonna ignore her. I started walking past all the stuff. I saw baseballs I'd had signed by players at Spring training, a CD single that Kurt Cobain had given me before he died, my first guitar, my first drum kit. I saw a teddy bear that a fan had given me a long time ago, a clear glass jar with a handful of change with a story behind it. Photos of girlfriends and buddies and dogs and a goldfish bowl with purple rocks on the bottom. I knelt and picked up a book - a dusty copy of The Catcher in the Rye, one of the only books I'd ever actually finished.

I shook my head, "I don't understand why all my stuff is here."

Victoria was leaning against the far wall. She rolled her eyes.

I looked at her. "What did you do to me?" I asked, suddenly remembering the excruciating pain I'd been in before I found myself here. "Where am I? Where's Brian - and Melly?"

"Why are you still asking about her?" she demanded. "I told you I didn't want her near you and you skip right off, the moment I'm not there with you, and fuck her..." Victoria's words were venom-laced, and she spat them at me. I backed away as she crossed the room quickly. I backed right into a chair I recognized from my principal's office in elementary school, and found myself sitting as she leaned over me, her eyes scarlet.

"I'm s--"

"Don't you dare tell me you're sorry," she hissed into my face.

I kept my mouth shut.

She leaned into me so hard the chair leaned backwards against the wall. "I told you once not to make me angry Nick," she snarled. She drew away and vanished... and with her went the light.

In the darkness, I felt a feeling of panic rise up in me, making my skin go cold. "Victoria?" I shouted, "Victoria?" I gnawed my lip... panic... panic... "Vicky?" I tried, in hopes that a softer tone, a more personal name, might draw her out. "Vicky, please..."

I don't know how many people know this about me... but... I hate the dark. Particularly when I'm scared to begin with. I jumped at the slightest sound - something sifting. The water in the fish tank making a plink sound. A loud, far away hum that seemed to fill the air. I crouched to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. "Vicky, please," I begged. "Im scared."

I felt like I was six years old again... the sensation of the pantry cabinet surrounded me. I used to hide there when he came around - my mother's boyfriend.

"Vicky," I cried.

"Do you know why we are here, Nick?"

Her voice echoed from every direction. I turned, desperate to see where it was coming from. My heart slammed in my chest, pounding a tattoo that I was certain she could hear... wherever she was.

"I don't even know where we are!" I cried, panic rising through my voice like the bile in my throat.

"Nick, Nick, Nick," her voice, condescending and full of pity, moved around the room, engulfing me entirely.

I moved frantically through the dark, only to find my hands up against the wall. I crept along it, on my stomach, one hand over the other, searching for a way out of what had suddenly become a tiny, cramped space, the size of my mother's kitchen cabinet. There had to be something.

I knew there was once a door somewhere here...

"You've never really known what was best for you, Nick," she said, and suddenly her voice wasn't surrounding me. It was directly behind me, in my ear, in fact. Her hand closed over my shoulder, and my blood ran cold, like ice through my system. "You've never recognized that I was what was best for you... even after all this time."

"Please," I whispered, my breath heavy, "I just want to go home."

Her laughter was loud and cold. It sent shivers down my spine and through the walls. It was a terrible, unearthly sound. "Ohhh Nicky," she crooned, "Don't you see? You already are."

And my hand connected with the door... just as it opened, free from my prodding, and I saw my mom's ankles, her feet in the thong sandals she always wore, with the little bead that was affixed to her big toe, like a toe ring. I froze.

I looked at Victoria's hand on my shoulder. "I don't wanna be here," I whispered.