Nick stared at the white powder sitting on the table in front of him. He sighed softly and reached for the razor, cutting the powder a little more before dividing up his line. He would only take one line now, since he had obligations this afternoon. He drew a breath, letting it out carefully so as not to blow the powder all over his table. He glanced around, and though he knew he was the only one in the hotel room, he could never be too careful. The curtains were closed and he knew the others were getting ready for the next thirty minutes or so, so he knew he could take one hit and not have to worry about being discovered. He reached for his dollar bill and rolled it up before snorting the line, letting out a sigh of relief as he felt the familiar burn in his nostrils. He closed his eyes and let his head roll back slowly as he tapped the rolled up bill on the table top. He eventually drew another deep breath and stood up, packing up the left-overs and hiding them in a rolled up sock before jumping in the shower.

Forty-five minutes later, Nick answered his phone as he stepped off the elevator and sighed, “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m almost outside. Sorry, I fell asleep… Jetlagged and all.”

Kevin sighed and looked around, “The limo just circled the block, it should be back by the time you get outside. This is a big deal, Nick…”

“Yes, of course, I know!” Nick said as he stepped inside the revolving door. As he stepped outside, he found the other three boys- wait, they were men now, no matter what the name of their band was. Kevin, Howie, and Brian, were all standing by the curb, checking their watches. “All right, all right, I’m here,” he said, hanging up the phone. He’d just flown in from London to be here with the rest of the guys to surprise AJ on the Oprah show. AJ had just hit the one year mark of sobriety this time around, and they all wanted to show how proud they were of him. They knew that he was going to be on Oprah today to let all his demons out into the open, and how tough airing something like that would be.

“We can’t be late,” he heard Brian mutter to Howie. “If we’re late, he’ll see us…”

Howie shrugged and glanced at his watch, “I highly doubt he’ll be there before us. And even if he is, I’m sure they have a million hallways at Harpo studios for us to avoid him.” He glanced back at Nick and smiled, “I’m glad you could make it. I know it’ll be a tough week for you, but it’ll mean a lot to Alex…”

Nick nodded a little but then pointed to the limo, “Our carriage, gentlemen…” He stepped closer as the limo rolled to a stop in front of them. Lonnie, their bodyguard, reached to open the door for them and he was the first to climb in. He crawled to one of the corners and just relaxed, allowing the coke to run its course through his body. He could feel his fingers twitching and drew a deep breath, trying to stay calm and relaxed, tapping his fingers on his leg to a rhythm only he could hear. He truly hoped that would help to relieve the jitters he was feeling. He continued to take deep breaths, hoping the other guys didn’t notice anything.

“Frick, you ok, man?” Brian asked, looking over at Nick. He noticed Nick tapping his leg and trying to breathe deeply and was beginning to wonder if they should have asked him to come after all.

“Yeah, just still on London time is all,” he said, trying to laugh it off. He opened his eyes and glanced at the other guys. “Really, guys, I’m fine,” he said, trying to sound convincing. He glanced at Kevin and saw the man arch an eyebrow. He tried to keep his breathing even, knowing if he did anything off that Kevin would tell him the same shit he’d told AJ nearly 3 years ago. He drew another breath and tried to tell himself they didn’t have a clue.

“Jet lag across the Atlantic was always the worst for some reason,” Howie said, shrugging. “Don’t worry, Nicky, we’ll have you back in your hotel bed in no time and you can try to sleep again. When do you fly back?”

Nick noticed that everyone seemed to buy the jet lag excuse, especially when Howie piped up. “Thursday,” he supplied. He looked over at Brian and grinned, “How’s Leigh?” he asked, hoping that if he distracted the boys from him they’d stop focusing on him.

The conversation became lively as Brian and Kevin both talked about their loved ones and Nick would chime in with a ridiculous comment periodically, as was what they were used to from him. Eventually, they pulled up to Harpo studios, and Lonnie called the staff inside to let them know they were there. After a few more minutes of sitting in the limo, a staff member came out and plastered on a huge smile, “You guys are just in the nick of time, Mr. Mclean’s not supposed to be here for ten minutes. Come on, I’ll show you to your green room.”

The guys all climbed out of the limo and made their way inside. They were nearly to their green room when Nick caught site of AJ through some windows, “Why are we all wearing suits if he’s not?” he asked out loud, not realizing it.

Brian frowned, “What do you mean?” He walked back over to Nick and looked in the direction his friend was looking and laughed. He turned to Kevin, “I blame you…”

Howie smirked and saw AJ in a black t-shirt, hat, and plaid dickies as he waved to fans. “I told you he wouldn’t wear a suit.”

Kevin shrugged, “Well so sue me. Want to send someone to go shopping to match him?”

Brian rolled his eyes, “Come on, it’s not that big of a deal. We don’t always have to match, you know. We’re growing up, we each have our own style. So what if he’s not wearing a suit. Not like we could tell him to wear a suit without telling him we’d be here. Let’s just sit down and watch his interview.”

“He did call me last night to tell me he was shopping for what he was wearing here,” Howie piped up as he stepped inside the room and over to the drinks. He picked up a bottle of water and unscrewed the cap. “Didn’t have the heart to force him into a suit. This is a tough day for him, he should be himself and wear what makes him feel the best. You always knew he hated suits,” he said before taking a sip of water and sitting down and turning on the tv. On came a view of the set as people were led inside to their seats and a producer told them what the show would be about, letting them know that the theme of drug abuse would be prevelant and anyone who was uncomfortable with the subject could make their way back to the lobby to wait for the next taping. As the producer was talking, stage hands were removing empty chairs and asking people to move around to make the audience appear fuller than it was.

After a few more minutes, Oprah came out and introduced herself to the audience, waving and smiling, posing for pictures before getting down to business. She straightened her dress and heard the cue from the director and after letting him count down, started the show. Oprah introduced the show and AJ’s video montage with the band, and subsequent fall into drugs.

A silence fell over the green room as each of the rest of the band watched AJ’s interview, shifting during some of the parts that each of them took responsibility for, or during the time when AJ was describing what got him started, how much he was using. Even when AJ tried to lighten the mood and joke about his tattoos and being afraid of needles, the green room remained tense as each of the guys wondered why they couldn’t recognize the signs before, help him sooner, etc.
Brian sighed as AJ described OD’ing with his girlfriend and murmured, “I had no clue… God, why didn’t I have a clue?” He folded his hands together, fighting tears as he heard AJ relive every moment of his addiction.

Kevin shushed Brian as he heard his name come out of AJ’s mouth. When AJ mentioned offering to do a bump with Kevin he nodded softly and murmured, “I remember that night… Why didn’t I say more than just “I don’t do that…”? God, I should’ve known how far AJ was by then…”

Howie looked att eh cousins and shook his head no, “Stop it. Both of you, you’re idiots if you think you could’ve done something sooner. AJ was a master at hiding this shit from us, and we did and said what we had to eventually. He got his help and now he’s clean, and we’re here to celebrate his sobriety, not dwell on what we did or didn’t notice and why we didn’t act sooner. We all made mistakes, but let’s put on our happy face for him. We all knew this would be tough to sit through, but we’re here for him. Now pull your head out of your ass and realize that it’s not about us, it’s about him celebrating his sobriety.”

Nick sat silent through the whole exchange between the other three, wondering why the hell he’d even agreed to be here today. What AJ was describing, he was currently going through. He just had learned enough from AJ’s mistakes to know how not to get caught, what attitudes to display when. He’d even gone so far as to hire an assistant to make sure he was on time to all his obligations.

During the commercial break (which made Nick laugh for the fact that they actually held the audience captive for the entire two minutes the commercial break would run), Oprah and AJ both had their makeup touched up and they chatted silently among themselves. It almost seemed to Nick as if AJ was trying to forget there was an audience present.

Nick heard a knock on the door and looked up in time to see AJ’s mom, Denise, stick her head inside the door, “Hello, boys!” She smiled her signature grin that they’d all grown accustomed to. Denise had become each of their second mom on tour, especially when she’d stepped up to become their manager.

Kevin stood and opened his arms, grinning, “Mama McLean!” he said, smiling. Denise stepped fully into the room and hugged each of the boys around the room.

“I don’t have time to chat, but stick around after the show, please, I want to catch up with you!” she smiled. “Thank you so much for being here…”

The boys all nodded and were about to speak but heard a crew person out in the hallway, “Ms. McLean? We need you now…”

Denise stepped out of the room, waving to the boys one last time before rushing down the hall to make it to her seat before the cameras would be trained on her.

The next video montage ended and the boys were about to settle in to their seats to continue watching when another crew member came. “Pardon me, but we need to get you to the stage,” he said and led them though the hallways to a spot where they could hear the interview but not be seen until Oprah introduced them.

It was hard for them, Kevin especially, to keep their mouths shut as they listened, as they each wanted to explain their actions towards AJ to each other, but they also didn’t want to be heard. Eventually, Oprah said, “The boys each wanted to be here to tell you how proud of you they are, so come on out!”

Nick took a deep breath and knew that in just a few seconds, AJ would either see the warning signs and know what he’d done in the hotel room, or AJ would be too caught up in himself to blow the whistle on him. Yeah, now the nerves were hitting and he wanted to run and hide from the scrutiny, but Oprah was saying “Surprise,” and Brian was making jokes about AJ not wearing his suit. Nick took a seat behind the couch, hoping that would help AJ not notice his jitters. He looked up at Oprah as she asked who flew in from London and waved as AJ pointed to him, “Nick did.”

Nick bowed his head, hoping it looked humble and supportive and steepled his hands together, “Anything for him. That’s what it’s all about.” Nick was silently counting his blessings as now Oprah basically gave him an out. Of course, he just flew in from London, so if anyone said anything about his own performance today, he could blame it on jetlag, just as he had before when it was just he and the other three.

Kevin took over the conversation, explaining how they had hated the man AJ became, and Nick looked at the back of his friends head. He drew a deep breath, wondering if they thought those same thoughts of him now. He nodded along, trying to look supportive, when his mind was reeling, wondering when the others would notice the same damn warning signs, except it wouldn’t be the bad boy they were looking at. What the hell was he even doing here? He had no place in this support group, especially since he had a pouch of blow in his suit pocket. It was all for appearances, but would the boys be as supportive if it was him in the hot seat in stead of AJ? His eyes darted around the room, noticing some of the girls in the audience looking at him, wondering if they knew, if they could tell by the tapping of his leg that he was high, right now, even as they were all celebrating AJ being clean.

Nick barely registered that Brian had even said anything only as Brian finished talking about how proud he was. He blinked a few times as Brian finished and looked over at AJ again, losing himself in his own thoughts.

Nick was caught off guard when Oprah asked him what he wanted to say to AJ and drew a deep breath, trying to reel his thoughts back in, trying to figure out an acceptable answer. He hoped his pause didn’t take too long before he started to speak. “You know, the… the thing about AJ that I have been able to learn, and I think that’s, you know, what this is all about, why we’re all sittin here, is cuz we, we want to learn from people’s experiences, and be able to not make the same mistakes twice. And being twenty-three and the youngest in the group, um, I was able to look at him and see the things that he was going through, and be the little brother in the group. I have to thank you for being as strong as you are and the person that you are, especially to come on this show and do and tell everybody and say all the things that are on your heart, really helped me out and I’m sure it’s going to help a lot of people out there, too.”

Needless to say, Nick was thankful when the audience clapped and he was able to shut up. He hoped he sounded coherent as Howie took over, describing his first encounters with AJ. He reached a hand up and wiped the sweat off his brow and adjusted his collar. He heard Howie talk about how proud he was of how AJ was able to take the step to get better at such a young age, wondering if they’d be saying the same thing if he ever got to the same level AJ was.

Brian again started joking around about AJ not wearing a suit, Howie chimed in, and Brian finished his joke. The entire audience started clapping at the easy comoraderee they all shared. Nick heard AJ thank them all and felt a tear sting his eye. He realized his jaw was on the floor and quickly closed his mouth, biting his lips together, hoping that would go unnoticed. His eyes quickly darted from AJ to Oprah and was glad to see Oprah’s attention glued on the reason they were all here, instead of on him. Maybe he could say it was a yawn, if asked later…

Nick began zoning out as AJ thanked Kevin for breakign the door down, knowing that if he listened to the words, he would probably start talking about how he needed help right now, but at the same time, he wasn’t under fire for drug abuse. Did that mean he wasn’t abusing them? Just using? He heard the audience errupt in applause again and jerked his head towards a girl who gave a loud, “Wooh!” and started to clap as Oprah said they’d be right back. He stayed where he was during this two minute break, glancing at AJ before looking back over to Oprah and chatting with Howie during the break. A girl asked if he wanted a touch up and he shrugged before closing his eyes, allowing her to repowder his nase. Before he knew it, they were back from commercial break. Nick tried to look like he knew what was going on but kept zoning out and murmured to Howie, “Remind me I need to sleep when we get back to the hotel.” Howie nodded and turned to pay attention to AJ again.

Nick heard Oprah reiterate something he’d said earlier and tried not to look surprised at the fact he sounded coherent. Obviously what he’d said was good enough, if Oprah was repeating it. He heard Denise say, “Kevin can be very convincing,” and nearly jumped out of his chair, wrapping an arm around Kevin, “he’s good like that!” He sat back in his chair, glancing around again, hoping that didn’t seem out of character for him.

Kevin took over the conversation again and after a few minutes, Nick heard Oprah say, “Thank you Nick, for flying in all the way from London. I know you’re a little jet lagged right now.”

Ok, this was when he needed to fix his actions. “Actually, I’m good, I slept last night” he said, a big grin on his face. Before he could say more, Oprah was introducing the next segment and cutting to commercial break. He was off his barstool in a heart beat, hugging AJ and Denise before murmuring, “Ok, honestly, I need sleep. I’m heading back to the hotel for a nap… Dinner tonight?” he asked everyone as they started off the stage.