If I died today, I want Daddy to know it’s not his fault. It all happened before I had any time to realise what was going on and it was impossible to stop. The scars on my wrists and my thighs showed all the lies that had been told. The bones that show are thanks to my mirror and its lies of my imperfections. According to my mirror I would never be the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend or best friend. I’m sorry Daddy but blame Nicholas. He knows how it all started. Just sit him down and ask. I'm sorry I can't be the perfect Littrell Daddy. All I ever wanted to do was to prove to you that I could be your beautiful girl. 

-24th December 2011-

I put the pen down and sighed at the message I had written on the paper. I had always been a Daddy’s girl. From the day I was born- July 7 1992 until today, 24th December 2011 my Dad did anything and everything to try and keep me happy. My name is Krischelle Littrell but my Dad and friends call me Belle and I’m nineteen years old and so far from perfection it’s not even funny. I lost sight of perfection so many years ago. My Dad is Brian Thomas Littrell of the BackStreet Boys and a father to my step brother Baylee and I. I was born to my Dad of course and his high school sweetheart Sophie Brennan when they were just seventeen. My Dad is my best friend and we do pretty much everything together.
Music, Photography, Art and Dance, they were my four coping mechanisms, until when I was sixteen they just weren’t enough anymore. That’s when I turned to self harm- burning, cutting and bruising. Ask my dear pancreas and she will tell you that she cannot produce insulin… so I would also not give myself insulin, making myself diabulimic but I had to stop doing that because it was really affecting my relationship with Dad. I was on a downward spiral, but it wasn’t for attention. It was because of one boy. A boy who was meant to be my best friend besides my father. A boy who I thought was my soul mate, that was until three years into our relationship he became emotionally and physically abusive but put on this sweet and compassionate exterior around people other than me. Do you know what his name is? I bet you can’t guess it. You’ll all think I’m lying. But guess what, I’m actually not. There hasn’t been a night in the past three years where I haven’t cried myself to sleep. But my Dad has absolutely no idea, thanks to the miracle of make up. So I bet you’re curious now at who this boy is. He has curly hair and an adorable smile and a voice like an angel. He has three brothers and the most adorable and loving parents you will ever meet. His name is Nicholas Jonas and he is an absolute monster. He’s not at all what everyone thinks he is like. He has is moments where he is adorable and affectionate but then he completely turns. Why don’t I tell someone what is going on you ask? Well… if you were in an abusive relationship with no way out, would you risk your life? Is it really worth it? Why not just kill yourself and not give them the satisfaction.

Brian’s Point of View

Every night I sit outside my daughter Krischelle’s room, I have been doing this for the past two years, ever since I walked past her room and heard her sobbing one night. I went in and she told me she didn’t want to talk about it, so I just sat and lulled her to sleep. The next night after that I walked past her room and heard her crying again. As soon as I opened the door she told me to go away. It was from then on we started to grow apart. I still did anything I could for her, and I knew she appreciated it but I had no idea what was going on inside her head. Every night as I sat beside her door, a part of me died a little because I knew I couldn’t help her because she wouldn’t let me in.

 -November 8 2011-

“Belle, can you please come in here?” I called one afternoon from my bedroom.
“Coming Daddy.” She replied and I heard footsteps approach my room where I was strumming my guitar.
She laid down on my bed and listened to me fooling around on my guitar.
“What’s up Daddy?”
“I’m going to New Jersey for the weekend to see Nick. Do you want to come and you can go and see Nicholas?”
“I’ll text him and ask if he isn’t doing anything this weekend and I’ll come.”
“Alright sweetheart. Hey do you want to go for sushi tonight? Baylee and Leighanne are going to LA because Baylee has an audition.”
“Can I tell you in an hour when I have a general idea of how my levels will be?” she asked.
“Have you had trouble with them today?”
“I think my pump isn’t working properly. It’s giving me too much insulin.”
“How many lows have you had baby?”
“Two. One this morning when I woke up and probably an hour ago.”
“How low?”
“2.6 this morning and 1.8 just before.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I fixed it. All I can say is thank God for the fridge in my room.”
“Mm, I need to restock that actually. Well you let me know. Maybe take your pump off and just do shots. Have you got your pens still?”
“Yeah I think they’re in the fridge downstairs. If not, I have spare syringes and some vials.”
“The insulin would have expired. I’ll go down to the pharmacy and get some insulin and pens for you.”
“Thanks Daddy.”
“No worries sweetheart. I love you.” I said before I kissed her on the cheek and then put my guitar down so I could go down the road and get insulin for Belle.

Krischelle’s Point of View

I wondered back into my room and took out my insulin pump and infusion set. I got my phone off my bedside table and text messaged Nicholas about coming to New Jersey. By the way, the Nick my Dad talked about seeing is his bandmate Nick Carter. I call my boyfriend Nick Jonas, Nicholas as you can tell because it’s just a tad confusing.

To: Nicholas Jonas
From: Belle Littrell
Hey baby, Dad asked if I wanted to come to NJ with him this weekend and I can stay with you. Will you be home? I love you x

To: Belle
From: Nicholas.
I may be home. I have a meeting in New York on Saturday but yes you can stay over. I love you too. Skype later. X

I sighed and went downstairs to find Baylee sitting on the couch watching Disney Channel.
“Hey Belle, what are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m waiting for Dad to come home buddy. What’s on TV?”
“Hannah Montana. Do you think I’d ever be able to meet Miley?” he asked me
“I’m sure if you asked Nicholas he could organise it.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I think he would if you asked nicely. I’m going to see him on the weekend. Do you want me to ask him for you?”
“Yes please! You would be the best sister ever if you did that for me!”
“I’ll do that for you little buddy.” I said kissing his forehead then ruffling his hair. “Are you all ready to go to LA for your audition?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to say your lines to me?”
“No because I’m worried I’ll forget them. Do you know when Mum is coming home?”
“When is your flight?”
“Six o’clock.”
“Well it’s three o’clock now so you have a while. Do you want me to go through your suitcase and make sure you have everything?”
“Mum did that with me before, but thank you Belle. How are you feeling?”
“Better thanks buddy. My pump hasn’t been working.”
“Or have you just not been taking your insulin again?”
“No, I’m still taking my insulin. Don’t worry Bay. I’m not that silly.”
“But you were once. I don’t want to loose you Belle. I love you too much.”
“I love you too Bay.”
“What can I get you for your birthday this year?” Baylee asked me.
My birthday was three months away but Baylee always seems to give me early birthday presents that are always incredibly adorable and revolve around Winnie the Pooh. Ever since I was a little baby I’ve always been a fan of Pooh Bear. I have a whole heap of Pooh Bear toys and I own the classic Pooh books and all the movies. I don’t know how and why I became such a Pooh fanatic.

“I don’t know Bay, surely you must have brought every piece of Pooh Bear memorabilia for me.”
“There’s heaps out there.” He beamed.
“You’re adorable Bay.”

Dad walked into the lounge room with his arms full of things from the chemist.
“Why is Baylee adorable?” Dad asked.
“Because I am Dad.” He smiled.
“He was asking what he should get me for my birthday.”
“I’m sure I can find some more Pooh bear stuff for you.” Dad smiled.
“Dad, when will Mum be home?” Baylee asked.
“In ten minutes buddy, she was at lunch. Are you ready to go?”
“Yes Dad.”
“Okay buddy.”

I went into the kitchen with Dad.
“What prescription did you fill?”
“Novorapid and Lantus.”
“Ugh.”
“I know you hate Lantus but it works so well.”
“I know” I sighed.
“We’ll work out this pump eventually.”
“You’d think after six months it would work properly.”
“I know baby. I know. Now did you get onto Nicholas?”
“Yeah, he’ll be home.”
“Okay, well why don’t you call Denise and let her know you’re coming?”
“Alright.” I sighed as I grabbed the home phone and dialled the Jonas’ home number.

Denise: Hello Denise Speaking
Me: Oh hey Denise it’s Belle. How are you?
Denise: I’m good thanks darling, how are you?
Me: I’m alright, I’ve been better. I’m having trouble with my pump
Denise: Again? That’s no good.
Me: Yes, so back onto injections for me. Listen Denise, I was wondering if I came out to New Jersey this weekend would I be able to stay at your house?
Denise: Of course sweetheart.
Me: Thank you.
Denise: It’s no problem at all. I’ll set up the mattress in Nicholas’ room. He probably won’t be home until Saturday afternoon but we can have a girly night on Friday night if you like.
Me: I’d like that.
Denise: Well it’s settled then. I’ll pick you up from the airport tomorrow and we’ll get Danielle and we’ll go for dinner and see a movie.
Me: That sounds fantastic. I’ll text you with my flight details.
Denise: Is your Dad coming too?
Me: He’s off to see Nick so I’ll just meet him at the airport when we’re ready to go home
Denise: Okay sweetheart. Well I’ll talk to you later. I have to get Frankie ready for dinner.
Me: Okay, see you.
Denise: Bye darling.

“So what did Denise say?” Dad asked.
“She said that was fine. We are going to have a girls night on Friday night. What time is our flight?”
“One o’clock in the afternoon.”
“Alright, what will you and Nick be up to?”
“Well we’re going out drinking on Friday night then Saturday I think we’re going to go to New York and see the baseball.”
“Oh okay. What about Sunday?”
“Sleep and play X-Box. What we usually do really. What about you and Nicholas?”
“I don’t know. He has a meeting until Saturday night.”
“Alright.”