February 12, 2012

Dear Liv,

Looking back at that has happened in that last few years, I have no idea how everything just got so out of control as it did. We went from being best friends to being strangers. What the hell happened to us? Why don't we even talk anymore?

          When did things get this bad? Why did I just let you slip right through my fingers? I guess they are right when people say you have no idea how good you have something until it's gone forever. But are you really gone forever?

          The things we've been through, the places we've seen are not the same without you. I can't believe how stupid I was for letting you slip away. No one can and will ever fill the void you've left in my life. I'll never understand why these things happened. I should have been there for you, but I wasn't and I don't have anyone but myself to blame. I never thought I'd really have to live without you

          Even now after so long I have no idea how to say good bye to the one person who was there for me when no one else wanted anything to do with me, you always knew what to say to make me smile. And now, now I'll never get to see that smile of yours again.

          Deep down, I can't help but feel like this whole thing really is my fault. I know if you actually were here, you'd tell me that none of this was my fault that things like this just happen for a reason.

          But what is the reason you had to be taken from me like this? God maybe, just maybe if I would have been there like I said I would be, this would have never happened and I wouldn't hate myself so much, like I do now.

          I just want you to know that I never really meant to break the promises that I made but life got in the way, and I let it. I have no real excuse for it, but I just want you to know that I really am sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. God only if I knew.

          But you would have never told me how bad it really was getting. Would have you?

          See I do know you pretty well, but not as well as I should have. I should have known the last time I saw you that something wasn't right. You had lost that light in your eyes that was always there. Why didn't I ever notice that it was gone? Your eyes were one of the first things I feel in love with. I loved how they would sparkle in the sun.

          God, I feel like a baby for crying so much. But I've never really stopped since I got the news.

          I was in one of my moods when I got the news. It was just ending the last leg of our tour and I was ready to have some time off and get a way from the guys. You know how I get when I need a break; well that's how I was. I guess by the time Brian actually got around to tell me, he'd been trying for three days, but I couldn't stop and listen to what he had to say. So when afternoon he just snapped. I don't think I've ever, ever seen Brian so angry before. I was use to seeing Kevin get to pissed off at me that he explodes, but not Brian.

          He pretty much pushed me down in a chair and told me to shut the fuck up. That lasted all of thirty seconds when I went off on him, so what does he do, he yells out for everyone to hear that you, God I can't even write it. But we both know what happened, no need to write it down. Because if I do write it down it will make it all that more real, and I just can't handle it right now. Maybe later, but not right at this moment I can't handle the truth of the matter.

          Anyways back to the story, Brian had just yelled the news to me and all I could do was stare at him as if he had three heads. At first I thought he was joking just so I'd sit still and listen to him, but then I realized that he'd never joke about something like that at all and never about you. He loved you almost as much as I did, all the guys did. (Yes, I mean Kevin too.)

          I had no idea what to say, so I got up and walked out I locked myself in the bathroom and called your Mom. As soon as she heard my voice she just started to cry. The only thing I told her was that I'd be there first thing in the morning.

          Once I had stopped crying to function without bursting into tears, I sunk out of the arena and called a cab to take me to the airport.

          It was a long night, but I made it to your house by six am. Your Mom was up and had a fresh pot of coffee waiting for me when I got there. The sad thing was we never even touched it. We just sat there and held each other as we cried. We didn't have to say anything, it was like with us, we just both knew what the other needed.

          I never told her this, but I've always blamed myself for what happened. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't, and to this day, can't help but think what would be different if I would have been there for you.

          But as it is, we can't change the past, we can only learn from our mistakes. And learned have I.

          I will never take anything for granted again. In my mind, you'd always be there and would never leave me alone. I know you really didn't have a choice in the matter, but it makes me feel better to know you would have stuck around just make sure I was okay and not getting in trouble. Because we all know that with out you I'd never had made it past my teen age years, if it hadn't been for you someone would have killed me for just being so annoying. All you had to do was smile and they would forget the stupid thing I did.

          Out of all the people I know, you've never taken me for granted. You only wanted to be my friend, because of me and not what I could do for you.

          God, how I'm going to miss you, but at least I know you were out there doing what you loved to do when you were taken from me. I still remember the day you told me that you were enlisting in the Marines. I thought you were joking, but by the way you were going on and on about it, I knew there was nothing that I could do to talk you out of it, so I didn't even try. Now I have to wonder if I would have, it would have made a difference at all.

          But deep down I know it wouldn't have. Once you had your mind made up about something, there was no way to talk you out of it. You're just like your Dad. (I know you hear that a lot, but Damnit Baby, it's true. You're just like your old man.) Your stubbornness is one of the first things I fell in love with. You just wouldn't let me go, until I said we were friends, and we have been since that day.

          God I never knew how hard this would be to write. (Well type, but you know what I mean) Brian told me it'd help me with dealing with the pain, but the thing is I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with any of it yet. The wounds are just too fresh. Maybe another day.

          Well I guess this is it for now. I have to go, time for your, well you know what it is, like I said before no need to write it down.

          But before I go, there is one thing that I have to get off my chest.

          I hope you do know how much you meant to me and how much I did love you. You weren't just my best friend, but you were the girl of my dreams and I regret everyday that I never told you that.

          I love you Liv, and I always will. Until I see you again. Take care and remember that I love you.

Love forever,

Nick.

March 20, 2012

Dear Liv,

          God I need someone to talk to and I really wish that you were here. You would not believe what has happened since I last wrote. Everything has gone from really bad to worse. I have no idea where to even start.

          All I know if things don't get fixed soon, there may no more Backstreet Boys. I hate to say that but it's the truth. I don't know how much more of this anyone can take.

          This leg of the tour started off just fine, but then we got to your home town and I saw your Mom, I don't blame her, because its not her fault, but after I saw her this just went down hill. It was like all the pain and hurt came back tenfold and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

          As much as I love the guys if they don't get off my back about talking to some one I'm going to snap. I'm dealing with everything the best I can. It's hard to do when the only one who could help you is gone.

          Liv, Baby, I just don't know what to do anymore. The pain is getting to be to much for me to take. Not even being on the road is helping dull the ache in my chust.

          I really wish you were here with me now. God that's so selfish, but I can't help how I feel. I hate myself that I could never give you what you wanted out of life. It eats at me every damn day.

          I wish I could have told you how I really felt about you. God do I wish I could have been the man you wanted; I know I really could have, but I thought I would have had more time. Now I wish I would have wasted all that time on all the other girls I dated, I knew from the begining that you were the only one for me.

          I'm sorry Liv, I really am.

          You know what I wish for most of all? That I would have never let you walk away from me. I wish I would have fought harder. Its what you wanted from me, isn't it?

          Well its time for me to dry my tears and put on my happy face.

          I hope you know how much I love you.

Forever and always,

Nick.

April 1st. 2012

Hello my Dear Liv,

          Well things really haven't gotten that much better. Its been three months now. I can't believe how fast it's gone. It feels like just yesterday I got the news.

          Thank God we don't have a show tonight; I don't think I could handle it if we did.

          All I've been doing today is thinking about the past. If you were here I know you'd tell me not to dwell on the past, but becuase of what today is I really can't seem to help myself.

          Most of the things I've thought on have been our good times. We've had so many. Like do you remember the time we snuck out of the hotel in Paris and went site seeing without telling anyone? God Kevin freaked out, he about killed me when we finally got back. If it hadn't been for you, I know he would have.

          I have been thinking about the fight we had the last time I saw you. God just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I know now what I never understood back then. Why you did what you did. It wasn't for the glory of being a soldier. You did it beucause it was the right thing for you to do.

          I'm just sorry it's taken me a long time to figure it out.

          I talked to your Mom today. She's putting on a brave front, but I can tell she not doing as well as one would hope. Losing you was one of the hardest things for her to deal with. After her I think, no I know, I took it almost as hard as she did.

          Things are so differnt with you gone. I don't think I could ever look at life the same way again. It's just hard to see the world without your smiling face.

          God there was so much I wanted to say to you, but I never got the chance to. I wish I would have told you everything, but I was to much of a coward to do so. I regret it everyday now.

          Oh, I never told you the last time I was home to see your Mom she asked me to take Maxy with me, so I did. He's doing better then he was, but I know he still misses you like crazy. Somedays all he does is stare at the door waiting for you to come back to us.

          In the back of our minds we both know your not coming back. No matter how much we wish you would.

          God I miss you so much. I have this hole in my chest that nothing will fill, and trust me I've tried. Nothing will ever fill the void you left, don't get me wrong, I don't blame you at all. I know you didn't choose this path for yourself. But still it hurts knowing you'll never smile at me again.

          One of these days I'm going to short out my keyborad with all these damn tears that keep coming. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

          God I have no idea why this is getting harder and harder to do. But then again I've never been on to really face my problems head on like I'm doing by writing this. Its really the only thing that has been keeping me sane these last three months.

          Or at least its helping me mask my pain from the other guys better. I feel bad that they are walking on eggshells around me, afraid to say anything to upset me. But I can't help that small things that people say or do remind me of you.

          Well its time for Maxy's walk. We both love and miss you so much.

With all my heart,

                                                                                                      Nick.