The first time I met him, I didn’t know who he was.

It was at Wal-Mart in L.A.  of all places.  3:00 a.m.  Not a lot of people are shopping at that hour.  I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to, but I’d run out of feminine hygiene supplies and I didn’t want to wait until morning to get some.  I wasn’t regular, so I never remembered to stock up on those things before I needed them.

I wouldn’t have noticed that he was there since he was one aisle over in the baby supplies, but he had a screaming child with him.  Who the hell brings a screaming child into Wal-Mart at 3:00 am?  Shouldn’t the child be in bed?

I probably wouldn’t have said anything except for the fact that my head was pounding and the screaming child was making it worse. So, with a box of tampons in one hand and a box of pads in the other, I marched on over to the aisle beside me to see what the hell was going on.

He had a baseball cap pulled down low and had sunglasses on.  At 3:00 am indoors.  This should have been my first clue that this might be someone famous, but  this was Wal-Mart.  I’d seen stupider shit around here than that.  Like the lady in a purple zebra print leotard that was hanging out by the registers when I walked in earlier.  At least this man appeared to be wearing appropriate clothing as was his child.

“Shhh…James…we’re almost done here,”  he was cooing to the child, apparently named James.

“Shouldn’t he be in bed?”  I cried, probably a little louder than I needed to.  James started crying even louder.

He turned and looked at me.  From what I could see of his face, he blushed.  “Uh…as soon as we get diapers, we’ll be headed there,” he said.  “Please don’t say the “b” word, it just makes him more upset.”

“Did you drag him out of b…sleep to get diapers or something?  Why don’t you have diapers at home at 3:00 in the morning?  Why is he crying?”  Why the hell did I care anyway?  I waited for an answer, even though I should have walked away.  I really didn’t need to know.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but we’ve been on a plane all night and I ran out of diapers at the airport,” he said curtly, grabbed a package of diapers and walked right by me.  James screamed in my ear as they walked by.

I closed my eyes, trying to settle my headache down, not caring that I’d just been a bitch to a guy who seemed to be having a bad night.  Hell, I was having one too.  That kid really needed to shut up.

There was only one register open at this hour.  I had the pleasure of standing in line behind him and James, who never once stopped crying, but who did manage to pull the guy’s sunglasses off and throw them at the lady at the register.

I rolled my eyes when the lady thought James was the cutest thing and just laughed at the sunglasses being hurled at her.  She just handed them back to the guy.  While he had frowned at me, he smiled at her.  It was a nice smile, but all I wanted was for him get his kid to stop crying.

The two of them chatted about music and some sort of record while she rang up his purchase.  I wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation.  I was alternating between closing my eyes and rubbing my temples with my free hand.

The man and James finally left the store and she rang up my purchases.  “Weren’t they just the cutest?”  The lady asked.

“Uh huh.”  I agreed, hoping the conversation wouldn’t go anywhere.  No they weren’t the cutest. 

“He was just as sweet as they always say he is,”  I didn’t think he was sweet as all, but I wanted to pay and just get out of there.

“Uh huh,” I agreed again and handed over money for my purchase.

The lady looked at me funny, “Don’t you know who that was?”

I shook my head, realizing she was going to tell me anyway.  “That was Howie D.”

“Howie D?” I had no idea who that was.

“From the Backstreet Boys.”

“Oh,”  I said.  I wasn’t really a fan of them.  Sure I’d heard of them, who hadn’t, but I was more into country.  I hadn’t realized they were still around.

“So who’s your favorite Backstreet Boy?” she asked and handed me my bag.

I shook my head. “Don’t have one.  Not a fan.”

“Please don’t tell me you were more into N’SYNC?” 

I shook my head again.  “Not into boy bands.  Country fan.”

“Oh.  I love me some Luke Bryan,” she said as I started to walk away.  Yeah, I couldn’t agree more.  I loved me some Luke Bryan as well.

Once outside, I realized that Howie D hadn’t gotten very far.  He was standing out front with his bag and crying James.  He was trying to balance his phone in all that mess, talking to someone about McDonalds.  Was McDonalds even open right now?  And why couldn’t he just leave so his kid could sleep.

“Sorry James, Uncle Nick is on his way,” I heard Howie D say to James. 

I looked him over as he was on his phone.  No I didn’t recognize him.  But he was cute.  By the time I was done looking at him, he was done with his phone.  I quickly looked away.

“Quit glaring at my kid like that,” he said.  “You’re scaring him.”

“Looking at you, not him,”  I admitted.  “The woman at the register says you’re a famous singer.  I hope you don’t sing anything like your kid screams.”

“Yeah, well, I hope your kid, if you have any, isn’t as bitchy as you.”

“She’s not.  She’s worse,”   I said and stalked away as he glared at me.  I didn’t have any kids, but he didn’t need to know that.

Yeah, my first meeting with Sweet D, wasn’t very sweet at all.

The second meeting was at Starbucks a week later on a Saturday morning.

I was sitting at a corner table sipping my Skinny Latte with my open laptop.  I was supposed to be working on designs for some new building projects I had coming up.  Instead, I was playing games on Facebook.   It was a weekend.  The designs could wait.

I didn’t see him come in, but I did notice someone staring at me as I did a little happy dance in my seat after playing a word with a Q on a triple word space in Words with Friends.    I looked up when I felt someone stare at me.  It was him.  Howie D.  He looked away, quickly and I stopped my seat dance, my cheeks blushing red.

I had been a bitch the last time I saw him, I didn’t really want to make contact with him this time.  I’m sure he felt the same.

He was with his kid again.  James.  That’s what he’d called him that night.  James was in a stroller fast asleep.  At least he wasn’t crying this time.  He had a friend with him.   Tall and blonde with several tattoos. 

Other customers seemed to recognize him and his friend.  At least the female customers did.  But one glance at James sleeping in the stroller and the somewhat  haggard looks on both of the adult faces, kept people from approaching them.  The guys ordered drinks and sat down at another corner table on the other side of the room from where I was.

A couple of women sitting at table near me started a conversation about them.  Adult women who were fangirling on them.  It was embarrassing and I hopped the guys couldn’t hear them.

I tried to ignore, but they’re hushed tones weren’t hushed enough.

“Are you sure that’s them?”  The dark haired woman in a red shirt asked.

“It has to be,”  said the slightly lighter haired woman in a purple shirt.

“OMG!”  squealed the red shirt lady.  She pulled out her phone and pointed it at them.  Oh she didn’t just do what I thought she did…

“Let me see…”  the purple shirt lady said and grabbed the phone from her friend.  “James is so cute,” she sighed.  “It’s so sweet how Howie takes him everywhere with him, you know, after what happened.”

The two shared a look agreeing that this was indeed cute.

I was still stuck on the fact that they had just taken a picture of a child without the parent’s permission.   That was just rude and inconsiderate.

I raised my voice so they could hear me, “That’s really creepy you know.”

They turned to look at me.  “What?”   the red shirt lady asked.

“Taking a picture of that man’s child without his permission.”

“Do you know who he is?”  purple shirt lady asked.

“I know he’s a Backstreet Boy, but his son isn’t.  You shouldn’t be taking a picture of him.”

“Paparazzi do it all the time,” purple shirt lady said.

“Are you the Paparazzi?  Does that even make it okay?” I asked.

While the coffee shop hadn’t been all that noisy before, it was definitely quiet now.  People were staring at the three of us.  Including Howie and his friend.

“Why don’t you just go ask him if he wants you taking pictures of his kid.  He is right over there,”  I nodded in Howie’s direction.  His eyes went wide as he realized I was sending these two women to him.  He shook his head at me.

The women were also looking at Howie as he shook his head.  They assumed he was shaking their head at them.  And maybe he was.  Whatever it was, it got through to them and red shirt lady deleted the picture off of her phone.

“It’s gone,” she said and showed me as she clicked ‘yes’ when the phone asked her if she really wanted to delete the picture.  “Are you satisfied?”

I nodded.  “I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”

The two women looked at each other and walked over to Howie.  I watched as they stood there for a few minutes.  Howie was gesturing towards James and shaking his head no, as if he preferred that pictures not be taken of him, but then he gestured that it was okay to a picture of him and his friend.  They agreed to that. 

I rolled my eyes.  Why couldn’t they just leave them alone when it was obvious that they wanted to be left alone?

Well I had stopped one unauthorized picture of a child today, I wasn’t naïve enough to think that I had stopped them all.  That one picture probably wasn’t even the only picture from Starbucks that morning.

My relaxing morning wasn’t going as planned.  I packed up my laptop with the intention of getting my work done at home later.

I waited for the two women to leave as I didn’t want to run into them again.  Once they did, I took my gathered things and started for the door.

“Thank you,”  Howie said as I walked by him.  I stopped and looked at him.  He still had a nice smile that I remembered from the store.  I wasn’t entirely sure he recognized me though.

“You’re welcome,” I said and glanced at James.

“I’m sorry for the other night,” he said, surprising me.  He did remember me.  Probably because I was such a bitch that night.

His friend looked between us like he was trying to figure out what happened.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” I said.  “I was the bitch.  I should apologize to you.  I’m sorry for that night.    Anyway the kid’s asleep and I assume you have diapers now,” he nodded.  “Then everything turned out fine,”  I said and left.

So the second meeting went a little smoother.  I was still a bitch, just not to him.  And I saw a little bit about why he was called “Sweet D.”

The third time is supposed to be the charm.

I did meet him for a third time, and more after that, or there wouldn’t be a story.

The third time is the one I remembered the most.  We had an all too honest conversation.

This time I was at my office in the outskirts of L.A.   Actually, it was more like the suburbs. It was a small office with just an assistant and myself.  I was an architect.  Small time.   I designed enough to keep my business afloat, but I wasn’t big time by any means.

In the late afternoon, I rolled up my designs that I had been working on to get ready for my last meeting of the day.  This would be my biggest job yet if I was able to land this job.  I pulled up all my ideas for possible designs I had made for the client based upon his specifications.  By the time I had the computer images on my desktop, my assistant came into the room.

“What’s wrong?”  I asked as I took in her appearance.  Cheeks red.  Fidgety.  Shell shocked.  “I..Uh..it’s…”

“Samantha, is my client here?”

She nodded.  “Send him in,”  I said, irritated.  Why had my assistant turned into a ninny all of a sudden?

“Yes, Mrs. Carson.”   She left for a minute and returned, announcing, “Mrs. Carson, Howard Dorough.”

Howard?  I thought I was meeting a Jon Dorough.  I got up to shake his hand and realized it was him.  Again.  Apparently, my assistant was fangirling on him.  She left my office rather quickly.

I still hand my hand outstretched as he walked closer to me.  His kid was still with him.  He shifted James in his arms and shook my hand.  He looked stunned to see me again.  “You know my name.  Do I get your name this time?”  Howie asked.

I realized we hadn’t been properly introduced yet.  “Macy Carson.”

“The M in J&M Designs?”  He asked and settled James into one of the chairs in front of my desk.

“Yes,” I answered.  I hoped he didn’t ask about the “J.”  Instead, he pulled an Ipad out for James who quickly turned the thing on and found an app to play with.  “How old is he?  He’s pretty good at that.”

Howie nodded with pride, “Three.  Almost four.”

“You must really be a hands on Dad,” I said.  When he looked at me, I added, “You’re always with him.  Plane, store, coffee shop, business meeting.  Is there any place you don’t take him?”

“I just like having him close.”  He didn’t elaborate and the look on his face told me he wasn’t going to.

“Is Jon a fake name?”  I asked, once he was settled in the chair.  “I thought I was meeting Jon Dorough?”

“Huh?” He chuckled.  “No.  My brother and business partner.  I forgot he was supposed to be the one at this meeting.  He’s checking in on another one of our projects.  You’re stuck with me today.”

“Oh. Shall we get started?”

Howie nodded.

“This is for a beach front property, right?  A resort hotel.”

Howie nodded again.  “Jon gave you our specifications, right?”

I nodded.  “Yes.”  I fiddled with the projector that I had hooked my computer up to and a few seconds later, my design images appeared on the screen.

I presented my designs one by one.  He nodded thoughtfully at each one, taking notes here and there.  By the time I was finished my presentation,  I noticed two strange things.  While he faked it pretty well, Howie barely paid attention to my presentation.  The other strange thing was that James never once talked, not even in delight when he won a game of whatever he was playing on the Ipad.

“Those were all very nice,” Howie told me when the presentation was over.  “Please email them to me and Jon and we’ll get back to you on the designs.”

“Will I be meeting Jon soon?  Should I continue to email him or you, or both of you?”

“Email both of us.  I’m sure you’ll eventually meet Jon if we go with your designs.”

I nodded.  “I’ll need to know within a week if you want to go with my designs or someone else.”

“That’s fine.”  He looked like he was hesitating in asking something.  He took a deep breath and went for it.  “Your website says this is a husband wife team.  I assume the J in your company name is….”

“Jack,” I said, wanting to avoid the topic all together.  “Jack was his name.  He passed away two years ago,” I touched my wedding band with my thumb like I always did when I thought of Jack.

The things he didn’t say made me realize he knew exactly what I was thinking in that moment.  He didn’t say “sorry for your loss” or anything else that people say when they don’t know what else to say when you lose someone you love.

I had looked down at a picture of Jack and I as I waited for Howie to say some sort of nonsense comfort words.   When they didn’t come, I looked back up into his eyes.  He understood.  “Does it ever get better?  That feeling of…” He couldn’t seem to finish his question.

I shook my head.  “It doesn’t go away.  That empty feeling dulls a little after time, but…sometimes I still swear he’s right here with me.  I miss him like crazy.”

Howie nodded.   “Me too.  I feel like she’s here with me all the time.”

I smiled at him.  “She is.  How long has it been?”

“Three months.”

I glanced at James.  He’d climbed out of his chair and was sitting in Howie’s lap.  He leaned against Howie, trying to keep his eyes open, but failing miserably.  “He’s not dealing with it well, is he?”

Howie cuddled James close to his body and the boy seemed to relax.  “No.  Among other things, he’s stopped talking.”

In that moment, I wanted reach out and hug the little boy.  I felt so bad for him, losing his mom and probably not understanding why.

“You said you had a daughter that night in the store.  How did she…”

“I’m sorry.  I just said that.  I don’t have a daughter or kids.  Just a cat.”

His phone rang then. He shifted James as he grabbed his phone from his pocket,”  I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

“Take it.  I’ll be back.”

“You don’t have to leave,” he said and answered his phone.  “Hey Kev, we’re running late.”

There was a pause in the conversation as I took some files off my desk and out into the reception area.  It was late, Samantha had already gone home.  I put the files that needed filing on her desk.

It must have been a short phone call, because the next thing I knew, Howie, carrying a sleeping James, met me in the reception area.  “I have to go.  It was nice actually talking to you this time.”

“You too.”

As he started to leave the office, I called out, “Howie, if you ever need to just talk to someone who understands, please don’t hesitate.  I know we don’t really know each other, but sometimes, you just need someone to listen, even if they are a stranger.”

“Thanks, Macy.”

Part 4

A few days later, I found myself hanging out with Brooke, my best friend.  Pajamas, pizza, popcorn and a couple of movies.  We’re such partiers.

The night was exactly what I needed.  After my conversation with Howie, I couldn’t get Jack out of my mind.  And I really didn’t want to think about that time in my life right now.

Brooke fiddled with the DVD player.  “I really need a new one of these things,”  she said and took the DVD out and blew on it and put it back.

“I don’t think that will help anything.”  I grabbed the popcorn bowl and headed toward the kitchen to fill it up. 

“Why not?”  she called after me.  “It worked for Nintendo games.  Those are kind of like movies. You watch them.” 

I finished pouring popcorn into the bowl and went back to the living room.  Brooke had successfully started the DVD player this time.

“See, it worked.”

I just shook my head.  She settled next to me on the couch and grabbed a piece of pizza as the movie began.  She’d rented some sort of romantic comedy from Netflix.  Something about the two main characters hating each other and then falling in love with each other.  It’s a fine line between love and hate and all that.  I barely paid attention to it.  My mind was elsewhere.

The Doroughs hadn’t called about the project yet, and I really wanted to be the one to do it.  It was all I could think about lately because I really wanted a project that big.

My phone rang and I ignored the look Brooke gave me when I answered it.  We had rule about no phone calls during our girls nights, but I really needed to know if I got this job.   Since I didn’t recognize the number, I hoped it would be about project.

“Hello.”

“Macy?  Macy Carson?”  I wasn’t sure if I recognized the voice.

“Yes, this is her.”

I heard a sigh of relief on the other end, “This is Howie Dorough.”

“Hi…” I started.

He rushed on with, “I’ve been arrested.  I know this is a strange request, but could you contact my brother and come down to the station?”

“Howie, what?  Arrested?  Why me?  What about your band mates?  Friends?”

Brooke had paused the movie and was watching me.  I had started pacing the living room like I always did when I was nervous.

“I want to talk to someone who might understand.  I don’t want the guys to know yet.”   I assumed the “guys” he referred to were his band mates.

“James?”  I asked, not knowing how to form the question.

“He’s safe. He’s with Kevin.”

“And this Kevin doesn’t know where you are?”

“No.  Please, I don’t have much time.  Will you call my brother and come down here?”

“What are you in for?”

“Assaulting an officer.  He insulted my wife.”

I didn’t need to hear anymore.  “Yeah, I’ll come down.  You owe me.”

“I know.  I’ll have Jon send you a contract as soon as this mess is over.”

A few minutes later, I had the information I needed to call Jon and the address of the station where Howie was. I called Jon, who wasn’t in California so he couldn’t get to the station, but he was able to make arrangements for Howie’s bail. 

 I didn’t bother to change out of my pjs as I gathered my things to go.

“Where are you going?”  Brooke asked.

“A client is in trouble.  I have to help them.”

“I heard.  When did you acquire a client that lands himself in jail?”

“He’s just having a hard time.  He’s not…”  I stopped when I realized I really didn’t know what kind of guy he was, but I’d never heard of him getting arrested before.

“And he’s not your problem.  I heard you on the phone.  He has a brother, he has friends, he has a band.  Why can’t one of them help him?  Why do you need to get involved?”

“I know what he’s going through.  He just lost his wife.  And…”

Brooke looked at me.    “I’m not going to be able to change your mind?”

I shook my head. 

“You’re not going alone.   Not at this time of night,” she said and gathered her things too.

In the car, I asked her, “About this client of mine, how do you feel about the Backstreet Boys?”

Her eyes went wide.  “Oh My God!   He’s that Howie?”

I nodded.

“I would have had your ass out the door sooner if you would have told me that.  I was like a huge fan of theirs when I was younger.  I still buy their CDs when they come out with a new one.”

“In other words, you know more about them than I do?”  I said.

“Yes, country girl, I probably do.”

“Howie’s wife?”  I asked.  I know I could have searched gossip sites to find out, but I hadn’t felt like doing that.  I wasn’t sure if I should ask her since Howie hadn’t told me, but it had to be public record now.

“Leigh.  She was beautiful.  I think I read something about a car accident.”

Like Jack I thought.  One moment he was here and in the next he wasn’t.  If only he hadn’t been driving… I shook my head.  I didn’t want to think about it.

We didn’t say another word until we got to the police station.

Howie was quiet once we got him out of the station and away from prying eyes.   There were a few cameras flashing outside.  Word was starting to get out that a Backstreet Boy had been arrested.  We shielded our faces the best we could and ignored all questions as we made it to my car.

“I’m sorry I got you into this mess,” Howie said.  “This is a mess.  I should have called my manager or something.  I’m so sorry,”  he said again as we pulled out of the station as cameras flashed at us.

“I’m the one who said to call if you ever needed anything.”  We were finally on a main road and it didn’t appear that anyone was following us.  At least not yet and I hoped there wouldn’t be any anytime soon.

“I’m pretty sure this isn’t what you had in mind.”

“Not really, but I’m here now.  Where are we headed?”

Howie sat in the back seat and looked like he wanted to disappear.  He seemed ashamed of whatever had happened that had got him arrested.  Brooke sat in the front passenger seat wide-eyed.  She hadn’t said much of anything since we got to the station.

“I can take you to my place if you a place to lay low,” I said.

Howie looked like he wanted to agree to that, but said instead, “I would love lay low, but I need to get to James.  And by now, the guys have probably heard about what happened, especially with those paparazzi outside of the station. “  He rubbed his face in his hands.

“How do we get to James?”  I asked.

“We go to Kevin’s.  He is so going to have my hide.  Why couldn’t I control my temper with the cop?”  I ignored Howie’s question as he continued to give me directions on how to get to Kevin’s place.

Part 5

~Howie~

All I wanted was a drink alone at a bar.  I wanted time to myself.  Awa y from my life. 

Instead I got myself arrested and the night turned into one big mess that I wanted to forget.

I didn’t even get a drink.

I barely stepped foot in the bar.

The cops were already at the bar breaking up a fight.  I probably should have left, but since the fight didn’t involve me, I stayed.  That was the first mistake.

Someone in the bar recognized me and yelled out my name.  I groaned inwardly while I smiled towards whoever had called my name.  I should have left after I was recognized.  Things would have been much easier.  That was my second mistake.

Then one of the cops turned towards me and obviously recognized me as well.  “You’re one of those Backstreet Boys that my wife is always talking about.”

“I’m a Backstreet Boy,” I confirmed as I tried to walk by him and the guy he had handcuffed.  He blocked my way.

“You think you’re hot stuff don’t you?”

“Not really,”  I shook my head, “Just a guy wanting a drink.”

“You’re not much of a guy,”

That I could ignore.  It’s what he said next that made me angry.

“What does your wife think about being with a guy so small?”  He sneered at me.  “She probably spends your money and then spreads her legs for any guy when you’re not around.”

My fist made contact with his face before I had time to think.  I was winding up for another punch when one of the other cops stopped me and arrested me.

I glared at the cop who I had hit the whole time as the handcuffs were being put on me.  I wanted to resist, but the faces of Leigh and James flashed through my mind and I knew I was already in enough trouble.

At the station I was so embarrassed when they booked me – taking my fingerprints and mug shot.  I knew my mug shot would be all over the place by morning.  I could only imagine what the headlines might be.  “Grieving Backstreet Boy Loses It” or “Sweet D Not so Sweet” or something else stupid.

I had one phone call.  They wouldn’t let me have my cell phone, but it didn’t matter.  I knew who I was going to call.  I should have called my manager, or one of the guys, or even Jon.  But I called that architect who’d I seen a few places around town.  After our talk at her office, I’d memorized her number, thankful that I had someone to talk to if I needed to.  I had almost dialed her a few times before, but didn’t go through with it.  This time I did.  I knew she knew how to contact Jon and I knew she would understand once I told her what the cop said about Leigh.  She’d been there too.  Not the being arrested part…at least I hoped not, but she’d understand.

And she did.  As soon as she showed up at the station with her friend in tow, I knew she understood.  She didn’t even try to talk about it, she just asked me what I needed.  What I needed emotionally and what I needed realistically were two different things.  I needed a lawyer, but before I could her that she said Jon had taken care of it.  Then, I just needed to get out the station and see James.

I was supposed to be back before he woke up in the morning.  I had put him to bed at Kevin’s house before I went and I had promised I would be there in the morning.  It was now 2:00 in the morning.  He normally woke up at 3:00 to make sure I was there and went back to sleep.  I needed to get to him before he woke up.  He’d been through so much already, I didn’t want him to worry about where Dada was.

Her friend was quiet in the car, but Macy took charge, driving exactly where I needed to go.  As we pulled up to Kevin’s I was dreading seeing him.  I’d never actually been on the receiving end of one of his lectures, but I was pretty sure I was going to be tonight.  The news had to have hit the internet or television by now.  I hadn’t checked my phone once I got it back.  I did so now.  Every single one of the guys had called and texted me.  So had my sisters.  I had it on silent so I didn’t know that they had contacted me, but it didn’t really surprise me.

“Do you moral support?”  Macy turned around to face me in the car. 

“If I said yes, would you come?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I know all about stupid choices.  Your friend will probably be concerned, but he won’t understand.”

“I probably shouldn’t subject you to him right now.  I don’t know if he’s going to be concerned, angry, or both.”

“Come on,” she said, getting out of the car.  “Let’s go.  You obviously are avoiding this, but you need to go in to get James.  I can run interference while you get him and I’ll take you to your home.”

She didn’t take no for an answer.  She opened my door up and waited for me to get out.  “Are you always this bossy?”  I asked.

“She is,” her friend said.  That was probably the first words the friend had said.

She followed me as I walked to the front door.  I didn’t bother knocking, I knew Kevin was probably sitting near the front door waiting for me.  He was too much like our father sometimes.

When I opened the door, it wasn’t just Kevin I saw, but all the guys. 

“Howie, thank god you’re okay,”  Nick said.

“Why didn’t you call us?”  Brian asked.  I ignored his question, not wanting to think about why I didn’t call them.

“We’re here to talk if you want,”  A.J. said.

I shook my head.  “Not ready to talk.  I hit the cop.  I don’t know what they’re reporting, but I hit him.”

Kevin, who’d been quiet said, “You were at a bar.  Were you…”

“He’s not drunk,” Macy said.  “He’s just here to get James.”  I looked at her and she nodded at me.  I went upstairs to get James.  I heard the guys asking her questions downstairs.  Nick recognized her, but none of the others knew who she was.  She just told them she was working on a project with Jon and I.  She didn’t tell them what had happened, but she did say that Jon was taking care of everything and I would talk to them when I was ready. 

James was still asleep when I got to Mason’s room.  He was cuddled up on the floor next to Mason.  Both of them were in sleeping bags.  James in a Cars one and Mason in a Transformers one.  I picked him up, gave him a kiss on his forehead and held him close to me as I made my way downstairs with him.

Kevin wasn’t in the room when I got downstairs. 

“Howie, if you need anything at all, please let us know,” Brian said.

I nodded my head.  I knew they would be there for me.  They already had the past few months, but right now I just wanted to be alone with my son.

“Kevin’s putting your extra car seat in my car for James,”  Macy said.

“Okay,” I said and started to walk outside.  I felt the guys watching me, wanting to know what else they could do or even what happened.  I couldn’t talk to them right now.  I just couldn’t.  That probably hurt me just as much as it hurt them.  They followed me out to Macy’s car.

Outside, Kevin had put the car seat in the car already.  I settled James into the seat.  He woke up momentarily so I snuggled him, told him I loved him, and buckled him in.  He went back to sleep like he did every night.

“Howie…”  Kevin started.

“Kev, I’ll talk when I’m ready.  I just…tonight I lost my temper.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’ve lost my wife.  My kid doesn’t speak anymore.  He’s not potty trained anymore.  I’m hitting random cops who call my dead wife a slut.  I’m calling random work acquaintances to pick me up from jail instead of you guys. I don’t know if I’m going to be okay.  I don’t know if I’m ever going to be okay!”  I screamed. 

And then I started to cry. 

Kevin wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.  The rest of the guys also wrapped their arms around me.   All of them cried with me.

“If that cop come near me, I’ll hit him too.”  AJ said.  “You’re going to be okay, D.”

I laughed and cried.  Maybe I was.