Prologue







Maybe, silence would have been better. Oh, he would have preferred the total absence of any sounds rather than keeping listening to that terrifying and mechanical beep coming from the other side of the bed. He wanted to get up and turn it off, he wanted to silence it so that he could underline how its presence was useless and unnecessary.

Denying, that was what he wanted to do.
Denying, with extreme persistence, that that day even existed, erase that day from the calendar and go back to the day before, when everything had been perfect and there hadn’t been even a small cloud looming over them.
Denying, screaming at the top of his lungs, that he was standing in that place, joined to that hand as if his life depended on that grip. Not only the life of that person lying motionless, pale and silent, in that bed but even his own life. He still could feel his blood on his hands, even though he had washed them, scrubbed scratched them until the skin was red and raw just so that he couldn’t see those red dots anymore.
Denying what had happened, denying those images that kept dancing in front of his eyes, scenes that didn’t belong to a movie and that he could never be able to write and produce.

They said, the doctors, they said that he was out of the woods and that he was getting stronger with each hours gone without any problems. They said that it had been a tricky work but that they had managed to save him within an inch of his life. Wasn’t that a contradiction? He had never been able to understand doctors and that night hadn’t been an exception. So he just held tight to that small hope and promise, though sometimes it seemed to be bigger. Because he had never broken a promise. Even that night, he had promised him to come back and he did, even though he knew that only pain and suffer were waiting for him and his return.

A hand caressed those thin strains of sand blonde hair, taking them away from the eyes and the forehead. Slowly and gently, the index followed the line of the bones, going down from the temple and reaching those cheekbones and jaw that he loved so much: there the hand decided to lay on, startled because of the coldness of the skin. That skin had never been that cold. That skin had always been warm, his source of warmth. He could be cold, he could wear thousand of layers, but his skin had never been cold. Not like this.

“You have to come back.”

Those were the only words that escaped from the boy’s lips, the only ones who had been able to run away from that lump that still was safe and sound inside his throat, a shell were emotions and feelings had decided to hide from that horrible moment. There were no more tears left inside him, he had dried them in that dark alley...

“You have to come back.”

He had promised him, no?
He had promised him to come back and he had always kept his words. He had to come back because he still hadn’t apologized to him; he hadn’t been able to tell him how stupid he had been that day. At least, a small consolation, he had been able to tell and repeat to him how much he loved him.

“You have to come back, Frick. You have to come back to me.” The lips leaned on that hand that still was protected inside his own and then kissed each fingers, staying in the end close to the back of the hand. Then he just waited. He waited with anticipation for something, anything different from the silence. A change. A movement. Even the smallest.

Nothing happened. Only that mechanic beep answered Nick’s prayer.

It had all started with a fight.

A stupid and useless fight. Although, at first, it hadn’t seem that trivial and meaningless. A misunderstanding had been the first flame to ignite the fire, a phrase taken out of its context and then brought to the extreme and made it much bigger than what should had been in reality. It was useless, now, going and searching for all the reasons and causes hidden behind or implied in those words: the first flame had been sparkled by the fatigue and tiredness; tension had then acted as a combustible, stopping that faint flame to die almost immediately; the rest, made of an high and forceful fire, had been feed by fear, anxiety and insecurity. And so, even if the beginning could had been justified, there had been no excuses for all those words that they both threw at each other as if they were sharp knives, knowing perfectly how much they would hurt and leave scars after their passage.

Strange, or perhaps only a causality, that the discussion had taken place during a rainy day, as if lightning and grey clouds could had been the catalyst for all that bad mood that already was thundering within them.

Or, maybe, only inside Nick.

It had been a normal morning, just like many others before. It had been another ordinary day. The sound of raindrops hitting against the window had woken them up when still the sun should had to born from the clouds that made grey and gloomy the morning sky. With that natural background music, Brian and Nick had enjoyed the warmth of the blankets more than usual, aided by the fact that it had been a day free of any work duties or such. And for them days like that smelled and tasted as small corner of paradise: only few people, their inner circle of friends and closet people, knew about their relationship, even though it had been going steady for years. And it was that flaw, that small black point, that sometimes was able to ruin Nick’s happiness because there wasn’t anything more that he wanted than to scream and tell the whole world who was that special someone that made him smile every single day. He wanted, Nick, everyone to know that he was the real lucky one, that it was him the one that should thank whoever had chosen him as Brian’s soul mate. They completed each other perfectly and Brian, oh, Brian was his star, the sun whose planets and satellites danced around inside his universe. This was what Nick wanted to tell to the world; he wanted to show them what it meant to have finally met, to have always known the other half of his heart.

And yet he couldn’t.

And the seed of doubt wasn’t easily dismissed. Especially and mostly during days like that one, where appearance would made them act as a real and normal couple until its veil would be dropped and they were forced to run back and hide in the darkness. And Nick never told Brian about these thoughts, maybe because he hated being the one that always managed to obscure, even slightly, the light in his eyes or of his smile. Or maybe because Nick knew that he shouldn’t give attention to what had been only a small insecurity. Brian loved him, was it really important if he did it privately? Wasn’t that one of the things that he loved more in the boy? People were wrong, fans were wrong thinking that he was him the one most reserved and more keen to keep certain emotions private and to himself. It was Brian, on the contrary, the one that kept secret every aspect of his private life, as if he was sure that no one was really that interested or curios about it.

He had never said a word but, perhaps, he should have talked. Because that doubts didn’t disappeared under soft and loving caresses, kisses and promises. Untrustworthy and bastard, those tiny and small insects had feed from every and each misunderstanding and had made them much bigger, bringing in the spotlight something that seemed a problem that, in reality, didn’t have any reason to exist.

That day, on that very day, the doubt had exploded and tossed around hundreds of flaming debris without even looking or caring where they were going to land upon. Or who they were going to hit. It had exploded just like one of those lightning bolt that kept rumbling in the background as the rain danced. It had exploded in a moment when Brian and Nick were quietly and calmly doing one of those activities so normal and ordinary for a couple that was long living together. The small supermarket wasn’t crowded, helped by the fact that it was situated in a little town that had long become their refuge and hiding spot from the curious eyes of the world they lived in. And there, in what had always been their private corner, never Nick had thought about defending himself from that doubt: it had freed itself from the reins that had tried to contain it; it had walked beside them until they had been in the spotlight and it had needed only a gesture, a simple and normal holding hands, to give start and force to the storm.

Brian hadn’t noticed at first. He only noticed a slight change of mood and behavior in Nick: from being playful, with that happy light in his eyes, he had become suddenly silent and with the angles of his lips curved in a frown, as if he was trying to hold back tears or screams. Maybe it had been the latter because there was no sign of tears inside his eyes and, if something that bad had happened to reduce Nick in that state, Brian would have known it.

So they didn’t talk about it, Brian didn’t ask him anything about it during the ride back home and neither when, after getting out from the car, they started to bring the groceries in the kitchen: during this time Brian only observed his partner, trying to find the right pretext to start the questioning. It had always seemed like a mission for him, the one when he had to find what the reason behind Nick’s troubles was and solve all of his problems. Brian knew that sometimes that behavior was a little bit exaggerated; Brian knew that sometimes he had to take a step back, let Nick make his mistakes and being just a shoulder to lean on and offer only his support. Sometimes all it took and needed was a hug to melt all the tension.

But not that day.

That particular time Nick pulled away, as if he didn’t even want to be brushed by his hands. The flash of disappointment ceased rapidly, without even leaving a sign of its passage on Brian’s face. His head slightly tilted to the left, arms crossed in front of his chest: this was his posture as he kept observing Nick, though he did not find any clue.

“Is there something wrong?”

Nick didn’t reply, giving Brian a silence as he threw the bottles of milk on the counter; he then raised his face, showing one of the harshest glances before turning to put the plastic bags away.

So Nick was angry with him, Brian deduced. But why was the real question.

The realization came at the same time of a thunder rumbling outside. Brian shook his head, cursing at himself for being that blind not to understand it sooner. It hadn’t be intentional, he hadn’t done it with malice like, he was sure, Nick was thinking in that very moment. On the contrary, it had been an instinct, that sense of duty to always protect the most important person in his life. And that time, as always, the battle had been against denseness of some people who believed to be better and superior, any kind of alibi just to justify their cruel judgments.

“Nick...”

“Why are you ashamed of us?”

The question came just like a sudden lightning, in a moment when no one could already suspect or foresee the coming of that storm. More than it, more than that verb that was capable of tightening all around his stomach, it was Nick’s tone that left Brian without air, like someone had just used him as a punching ball. It was that one tone that never Nick had used with him, it was that voice that carried all the bitterness and viciousness that Nick was able to hide behind that angel face and that only few people would ever image.

“Don’t be stupid.” He sharpened his eyes, Brian, using a tone of voice that didn’t want to be a victim against Nick’s.

“You’re lying and you know it. – Nick replied, crossing the arms in front of the chest. – As soon as you noticed that they were looking at us, you dropped my hand as if it was burning you. As if you were ashamed.”

Brian didn’t lose a single breathe. “Is this what do you think it happened?” He asked, the jaw line so firm like a line of metal.

“What else, Brian? Don’t give a damn stupid excuse like I’m a small child because you know damn well that I’m not.”

“You can think whatever you like but don’t, for even a second, believe that I’m ashamed of you. Or us.”

“No, of course not. Forbid if Saint Brian could do something so petty. – Nick joked bitterly and harshly. – You aren’t ashamed of me. Or us. You just don’t want to be seen holding hands with me. You don’t want people to think that we are a couple.”

“While the truth is...”

“I’m your secret. I’m your dirty secret. That so horrible and terrible secret that, if it comes out, your perfect image of devoted Christian would be ruined. So now, tell me, is this what you have always wanted? All those words were only lies? All those promises of love and trust were only to keep up your game? You love, so you say, but not enough to be out in the open. To be seen with him. So, that's the truth? That is what am I to you? Am I only good enough for the sex but not, never, for all the rest?”

A part of Brian wanted to leave that house as fast as he could, without even caring to reply to those accusations that didn’t have any resemblance of truth or shape. Did Nick really think so little about him? Did Nick really think that he could be able to use him only for his pleasure and lie so easily saying and promising to love him? That hurt. That was what really hurt the most, what was bringing him lying on the floor in an attempt to protect him from those blows.

“You. More than anyone else, you should know that I don’t give a damn about what people may or not may think of me. I don’t give a damn if they judge me as a sinner or whatever insult they could find in their bigot vocabulary. The can burn my album, they can boycott my any way they want but this, this doesn’t change what I feel for you nor it won’t ever make me feel ashamed about us. About loving you.” Brian didn’t need to shout or scream, he had never needed to raise his voice when it came to such matters. The power, the force, was always linked in that intensity that made his words and their meaning hard and insurmountable. And Nick had never doubted it.

Up until that morning.

Because Nick had learn on his own skin that acts and behaviors held so much more value and significance and what Brian had done, that letting go of his hand when everyone was looking, still hurt so bad. Still it was claiming and asking to be revenged.

“Why, then? Why did you do it?” Nick asked but his voice wasn’t a whisper. It was as if his heart, his bruised ego, had taken control over his vocal chords and had decided to scream that request for explanation.

Brian shook his head, still not quite believe what he had just heard. Didn’t Nick already understand the reason lying beneath it? After all those years, after all those moments spent together and all those times Nick had been the one that physically had to stop or restrain him, still he couldn’t see past what happened that day?

“I can’t stand seeing you hurt. I can’t let them hurt you. I can’t stand that you could not being able to work because of me. I don’t care about my reputation. I care about your. I care that people, the world, keep seeing you as the amazing soul you are. I don’t want you being isolated only because you love me.”

Shocked. That was how Nick felt. Shocked and utterly speechless in front of that confession. For a moment it seemed like he could actually feel and touch that love wrapped around vowels and consonants, that emotion that had given intensity and force to those words and that image of completely devotion that was being painting in front of his eyes.

How could he ever doubt Brian’s love?

Oh, Nick knew the true reason lying behind his own reaction. And even Brian knew it, deep down and over that instinct anger. And that was the explanation for that hurt expression that was paining Brian’s features; that was the explanation of those eyes that couldn’t understand how Nick still hadn’t learned that hurting him was the last thing Brian could ever imagine or conceive. And, at the end of everything, the reason was that Nick was still prisoner of that vicious circle and still kept blaming and making Brian paying for all those other people who had hurt him in the past. It wasn’t fair, Nick was aware of that truth. And yet Brian still kept defending both of them, as if he couldn’t distinguish blame and a responsibility even when it comes to himself and his actions.

It only took a second. A moment that lasted like that bolt of flash that had brightened up the room. One second, just the amount of time to look down and wipe away the tears, and the silence was broken by the sound of the door opening. Nick lifted his head just in time to see Brian’s hair disappearing behind that very door that, quite immediately, shut closed and let him hiding inside the storm.

No sneaky remarks. No slamming doors. No tears. That was Brian. When it came to defend someone else, when it came to defend someone he loved, there was no hell or saint that could restrain his anger and fury or stop his arms from giving support and comfort. But when it came to himself, when he was Brian the one under the threat of a sharp knife, his only defense was to hide, wrapping himself around that wound so that no one, even him, would notice that blood had already started to leak out.

Rage, Nick’s anger, disappeared along with that last line of smell that always announced Brian’s presence in the room. Nick still was hurt, that wound was still aching and claiming some sort of payment from Brian, but the rest of himself was beating himself up for what he had done. As always, he had ruined everything and all because Nick just act on impulse, without even stopping a moment to think or reflect about the situation. He never thought about consequences. And most of the times it had always been Brian the one who would take his hand and show him which was the right road to take, sometimes acting like he was the father scolding the son while, other times, he would just stand and defend him until he had air to breathe.

And he had accused him to be ashamed of them!

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Instinct was screaming at him to run after Brian: it was raining and only God knew how really big and forceful was Brian’s fear of thunders and storms. On the other side, though, logic told Nick to stay where he was because impossible was the task to find the boy if he didn’t want to be found. And that had happened so few times that it wasn’t even worth the risk.

All Nick could do was just staying inside the house and cursing himself for how he had handled the situation. All Nick could do was just thinking over and over about all the words he should had used instead than lashing out words of hate without even listening and hearing what Brian was saying. He could even see them, mocking him and reminding him all of his mistakes.

A thunder made the glasses tremble while the rain started to pour more and more heavily; grains of water that were becoming bigger and bounced off the windows, rolling away as if they were lost souls. Leaning his forehead against the cold surface and against the reflections of the forces of nature fighting each other, Nick could only hope that Brian was safe and sound, wherever he had decided to hide.

He would wait, then. He would wait for the rainbow after the storm. He would wait and hope that peace, serenity and quiet that the sun would always bring along would shine even on them and their story.


*****************************







It was cold.

It was freezing and Brian didn’t have any clue about where he was or about what happened. A bolt of light and part of his memory seemed to have vanished, sucked inside a vortex of pain, whose source still was unknown to him.

It was cold and, in the darkness, the only sense Brian could use was only his hearing. Yes, only darkness was embracing him, an infinite black ocean whose waves were calmly cradling him towards an island full of promises of quiet and peace. Should he let it carry him towards those shores? It was so appealing, it all seemed like a piece of heaven that putting up a fight needed forces and energies that, slowly, were disappearing under the invisible pressure of that stream.

What had happened?

A lightning. A thunder that trembled in every nerve, sparks that came together and melted inside one big flame of pain.

Why was the lightning so important?

He wasn’t able to see that yellow light, he couldn’t make out that flash that always announced the coming of the thunder. And that chilled him to the bone, that scared him more than he could and would want to admit. And it was a fear that burst off along with that tremble that was running up down his spin as if it was their private highway. Among everything Brian hated the thunders the most, hated those rumbles that shouted threats from up above and were capable of making tremble walls and windows, a memoire of their strength. He hated the thunders, Brian, because, taken alone, they were unpredictable: they came suddenly, they took you by surprise and there was nothing that could prepare you for that moment.

Only the lightning.

Brian hated the thunders, yes, but loved the lightning. They were comforting, they were flashes of lights that whispered the coming of their rumbling brothers and always allowed Brian to prepare himself: slowly, with measured breaths, Brian counted the seconds that had to pass before that harsh sound that wouldn’t be able to take hold of his fear.

But in that moment he couldn’t see them but only hear the rumblings of the thunders and all his lips could do was letting out a pathetic and faint whimper. Of pain? Of fear? Brian didn’t know. Brian couldn’t know. He wasn’t able to know. The only thing he could recall was that the lightning had something to do with it. But why?

Calm down. He told himself, feeling as if his own breathing weighted more than it should be. How was he supposed to calm down? He couldn’t remember where he was, he couldn’t remember what had happened or why he was lying there, all alone and cold, and without being able to open his eyes.

The lightning. A memory. The image of Nick, delusion and sadness painted in those blue eyes. Another lightning, another thunder and the sound of the door closing behind his back. Did they have a fight? Was it that the reason why Brian now was all alone?

Remember. Remember.

He had gone out. They had a fight and he had gone out but he couldn’t remember where he went. He often did it. Instead than get angry with Nick and throw around words that he would soon regret, Brian preferred to disappear for a bunch of minutes. Or hours. And to give both of them time to cool down and think over what happened. But the main reason why Brian never stayed was because he didn’t want to let Nick see how much his words had hurt him: to show himself weak was that most powerful weapon to leave in the hands of an enemy, especially if it was that someone that knew him best and knew how to use those information to provoke the deepest cut and pain.

The lightning, this time, was connected with pain. The sparks, the fireworks, weren’t a show dancing in the sky but in that darkness that had swallowed inside Brian’s mind. It hurt. Every single inch of his body trembled with waves of pain, higher and higher with each second and so close to drowning him completely. It was so alluring! No more pain, only darkness. And, perhaps, that was the push not to give himself to it, to try to stay awake and keep fighting to hold on to the last glimmer of lucidity.

Nick.

Nick.

He had to warn Nick. He had to go back to him somehow. Even if Brian didn’t want Nick to see him in that state. He had to call Nick, even if Brian knew that hearing that faint whisper would made Nick more worried.

He wanted Nick.

He needed Nick.

Lightning became less and less powerful, less and less bright. Rain had ceased to pour, though Brian couldn’t say when it happened since coldness was walking hand in hand with the feeling of something wet sliding off from his body. It didn’t make sense and yet Brian still could feel a small stream of something wet running down from his side and, instinctively, he managed to place a hand in that spot. His mind knew how to define that sensation but the more Brian tried to grasp onto that definition, the more this tried to run away, leaving him in the darkness that was getting bigger and thicker.

Lightning had ceased.

Thunders were finally silent.

Darkness and silence were the only things around him.

With a last breath, Brian let them wrap their blankets over his body, finally convinced by their promises of serenity and peace.

“Nicky.” It was the only word that Brian left to the wind, hoping that it would fly and reach Nick.

Wherever he was.

Second Chapter

Nick wasn’t worried. At all.

Why should he be worried? Only because had chosen to go out without a jacket or an umbrella when it seemed like heaven had decided to unleash a downpour so close to be related to the Flood?

No, Nick wasn’t worried. At all.

Although Brian’s phone kept ringing and no one was picking up. It made sense, of course. Brian was still angry but, most of all, he was still licking the wounds caused by Nick’s words of accusation. And he was known to be so stubborn to wait until he had calmed down to come back and apologize. It didn’t really matter who had been right or wrong because Brian always, always, apologized and, after awhile, even Nick had learnt how to do it. In his own way, without words because they always seemed to fly away before he could catch them or because they never came out as he wanted; Nick had learnt to apologize in his own way, with gestures that tasted of caresses and kisses, and try to make it up to Brian for whatever disaster he had created.

This time, though, tasted of something totally different,

A strange melody was dancing through the rooms of the house and it was a disorganized harmony of raindrops hitting against the windows; of rumblings of thunders, playing hide and seek as naughty kids and, lastly, those guitar chords barely stung by Nick’s fingers. It was a habit that he had taken up only a few years ago, since he had started to study more seriously that instrument: strangely playing it, without caring so much about notes or melodies, seemed to let him think over or let go of all those thoughts that clouded his mind as if they were too higher and bigger waves.

Nick wasn’t worried. But he wasn’t relaxed either. He couldn’t be when the two of them fought or argued because fear was always creeping around the corner, ready to throw its web as soon as Nick would lower his defenses and show his weaknesses. Rationally Nick knew that there was no reason at all for that fear to exist but it would only take just one single moment of freedom and Nick would had ended up agreeing with that vulnerable part of himself that saw, in the fight, the last drop of water in an already overfilled vase. Like the wicked of the witches, that fear whispered and murmured about how Brian had finally realized how childish Nick was and that he should and could find someone else who was way better than him, someone who could be perfect and more worth to stand by his side. Nick didn’t really believe in that voice but it kept hissing without a break until Brian’s smile, that smile that told everyone how Nick was the most important person in his world, would throw that voice back inside the darkness. And maybe he was being a little bit too much modest but Nick knew that that smile was the truth, that he was really the most important person for Brian, because he shared the same feeling and emotion about Brian: no matter what happened, Brian was and would always been the most important person in his own world and universe.

No, Nick wasn’t worried at all.

And yet he couldn’t push away that bad feeling that nested within his gut and was slowly wrapping itself around it, piercing the skin with its long claws as time kept slipping away. It was something that Nick couldn’t really explained because he had felt that sensation each and every time something would happened to Brian and it had never been wrong. That was the reason why Nick kept looking at the phone; that was why he kept dialing Brian’s number and silently praying and hoping for an answer. Just so that he could prove that bad feeling wrong.

What happened next was so quickly and suddenly. First there had been a lightning, so bright that it shook Nick even though he had never been scared by it before; then came the thunder, cutting the power off not only inside that house but even all around the neighborhood. The dull sound quivered through the walls, sounding as the scolding of a grouchy parent and managed in making Nick jumping from the couch. Although the blame wasn’t only on the thunder but more on the second sound that followed shortly after, the sound of a door slamming coming not from the doorway, as it should had been, but from upstairs. Nick’s heart started beating furiously inside his chest as the mind raced between images of thieves or fans that, somehow and in some ways, had managed to find out where they lived and got inside.

“Okay, Nick. Don’t panic. It’s only the wind. It has to be only the wind.” Nick repeated to himself while he got up and walked, trying not to bump into tables or other furniture, towards the kitchen, where he knew that Brian kept some flashlights. Nick was about to rummage through the drawers, ruining the perfect and almost maniac order made by Brian when the power suddenly came back as the rain started to come down slower and slower: the storm centre had softened and it wouldn’t now take too much time for it to be over. That made Nick feel better in part, thinking about how Brian was still out there and who knew exactly where.

For a quick second Nick almost decided not to go upstairs and check the source of that unknown sound but that thought didn’t last long, for he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he had been sure that a window and the wind had been the source of his panic.

The bedroom’s door was left ajar, a gap small enough to let out the bright light of those lightning that seemed not to have understood that the party was officially over for them. Nick opened the door and what he saw inside the room left him utterly baffled: Brian’s figure was sitting on the edge of the bed, so immobile and so still while his eyes were looking straight at the wall in front of him.

How in the hell did he manage to be there?

That was the first question that popped inside Nick’s head while he still stood outside the room, wondering if he should just go inside and apologize to Brian with a hug or if he should first reckon him and see what would happen. Because, to be honest, the sight of Brian inside the bedroom hadn’t been a relief or managed to erase completely that bad feeling that was still keeping his gut hostage and prisoner within its web. Rather, it had been worsened because that man in front of him had almost nothing to do with the man Nick knew as if he was a second part of himself: the muscles were taut, the body so still and immobile for someone that was able to stand still only when he was on a plane. And that only because he was always half-asleep. It was the face, though, that managed to shock and blocked Nick where he was still standing: the jaw line clenched so tight that it almost hurt just watching it; lips curved in a small line that didn’t give rise to any expression or emotion. A mask that Nick had seen rarely on that face. Even Brian’s eye didn’t show any emotion: not that light that had always made the blue so much brighter every time Brian had been happy or when they were together; neither that dull grey that told about a rage storm that was raising a fight inside him. Pale, motionless and lifeless blue was what Nick’s eyes met, a shade that got along coherently with that strange area that was surrounding Brian.

And that was what most scared Nick.

“Bri?”

The boy didn’t even seem that he had been called and just kept looking straight in front of him. So Nick got closer and kneeled in front of Brian. But even there Brian didn’t seem to notice Nick’s presence.

“Brian?”

Nick called him a second time, softer and almost a whisper, placing the back of his hand against Brian’s cheek. That contact managed to get through Brian: he opened and closed his eyes twice before they managed to focus on who was standing and kneeling in front of him.

“Nicky. – Brian murmured, letting that hand caressing his face. – I’ve finally found you.” He added, placing his own hand upon Nick’s, the corner of his lips curved in that special smile that belonged only to Nick.

Another flame of confusion matched that omnipresent feeling that kept Nick between its claws. Brian was being strange, too much strange but he couldn’t understand what was wrong in him.

“Found?”

“Yes. I was looking for you.” Brian replied, without stopping smiling at Nick for even one second. That was the only thing that Brian knew, the only thing that he could recall. He had to find Nick, though he couldn’t explain why it was so damn important.

“Looking for? I had been here, you know. You are the one that had gone out with this... – Nick stopped abruptly as another string was being added to that web wrapped around him. Brian’s clothes were completely dry. Even his hair didn’t seem to have been wet. How was that possible? Even if the storm was slowing down, a thin rain was still falling down so it wasn’t possible for Brian to be completely dry. – Why aren’t you wet?”

Something appeared on Brian’s face, a shadow that was saying how he didn’t even know how to start replying to that question. Brian hadn’t noticed. Brian hadn’t noticed that he was wearing dry clothes, or that his hair weren’t wet and he wasn’t feeling cold.

“I don’t know.”

An uncomfortable silence fell among them, both of them with nothing more to say to keep the conversation going. Nick couldn’t find that clue that would allow him to solve the mystery sitting in front of him and resembling Brian. At the same time Brian kept looking at Nick, knowing and sure that there was something that he needed to say, something so damn important but that he couldn’t even remember. His mind was clouded, numbed, because the sun had started to shine only the moment when Nick had appeared at the door: he had found him, that was what his heart kept telling him.

“Brian, are you feeling okay?” Nick asked, shifting his hand on Brian’s forehead so he could check for fever. Pale as Brian was, being sick was the only solution Nick’s brain could come up with but the skin was cold. It wasn’t a relief, it didn’t push the worry away but it actually managed to worsen it since Brian had never been that physically cold.

“Yes. Now I’m good. – Brian replied and, as if that question had been the switch on, he could finally remember why finding Nick was so important. – I know now. The reason why I had been looking for you.”

“Why?”

“To tell you that I love you.”

“I know, Brian. I know. – It was Nick’s turn to reply, it was Nick’s turn to find the right sequence of words in order to wipe away any doubts that Brian might still had. – I’ve never doubted your love for me. How could I? – Nick bite down on his lips while he shifted the weight on the other leg. – You were just trying to protect me.”

Shreds of their previous conversation started to come back to life: what happened at the story, the look and that hurt and angry expression of Nick’s face as he accused him to be ashamed of their relationship. That was the reason why he had to come back. Now Brian remembered, though he couldn’t explain even to himself how he managed to get there. It didn’t matter or, better saying, he couldn’t lose any more precious minutes, seconds, in trying to find a logic explanation. There was nothing logic and, even if he could had talked to Nick, surely he could have found some kind of explanation but Brian couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t look into Nick’s eyes and tell him that, somewhere in that city, his own body was slowly dying: Brian could feel it starting to shut down, he could feel cold and blood getting the better hand and battling to be the final and definitive blown.

And that was why Brian had to come back.

He had to come back to tell Nick every little thing that he had never said, all of those words that usually stayed hidden because Brian had always been hesitant and uncertain to let them free, as if he had been afraid of scaring and make Nick run away for the intensity of his love for him. But now that Brian hadn’t so much time left, Brian realized that it could his last chance to say them.

That was the reason why he had to come back. That was how he preferred to spend his last hours. He preferred dying knowing that he didn’t have any regret, knowing that he had protected Nick from that nightmare instead than letting him searching his body and leaving him with images full of blood and unanswered prayers. No, Brian didn’t want Nick to remember him like that, lifeless and without the chance to tell him all the things he had kept hidden for so long.

Brian came closer to Nick, lowering his face to caress the tip of the nose; then, the caress moved on the lips where, with small touches, they tried to underline those words that his voice had first said.

“You still doubt it. I know you do, I can still see it in your eyes. You live with the constant fear that I can actually leave you and that I might realized that there can be someone better and more perfect than you. But you’re so wrong. I want you to know that it doesn’t. There isn’t and there won’t ever be someone better than you. I won’t ever leave you. Not on purpose, at least.”

Something in those words alerted Nick. By instinct those words made sense. But that last sentence left a bitter taste in Nick’s mouth. It was as if Brian was defending himself, as if he was building a perfect defense that he could then use to explain and justify his behavior. Did Brian really want to leave him? Was that what Brian was trying to tell him?

“Frick, what the hell is going on?” Nick asked, using that Nick that had been giving them years before and that most explain their complex relationship.

Brian let his hand drop, intertwining their fingers together and getting up.

“Let’s go.” Brian just said, forcing Nick to get up with.

“Where?”

“I want to take you somewhere. – Brian replied. – Do you trust me?”

“You know I’ll always trust you. But shouldn’t we be discussing our fight?”

“There is nothing more to say. Unless you’re still convinced that I’m ashamed of you or that I don’t love you enough. – Brian came closer to Nick, only a few inches of distance between them. –I’ve already forgiven you. Let’s not waste precious time with these stupid and useless discussions.”

“They aren’t stupid.”

Brian didn’t snort as he always did. He just kept observing Nick with that emotionless look, too abnormal and too cold for someone like Brian. It didn’t belong on Brian’s face.

“Okay. – Brian sighed. – What do you want to talk about?”

“Maybe I want to talk about what the freaking hell is going on with you.”

“I don’t... – A sigh. A breath that hid uncertainty. – I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Damn, Brian! Yes, you do! – Nick screamed in a high – pitched tone. – You appear from nowhere, with no recollection about where you have been. You start rambling things on how you had to find me. And now you want to go out without even discussing the elephant in the room. That’s not you. It’s like... It’s like you are not my Brian.”

Brian recognized fear and worry shining in Nick’s eyes. But he couldn’t tell him the truth, for he would only increased those clouds and made his task even more difficult. A smile, a pale shadow of the one that usually shone on his face, was the perfect move to ring around that matter.

“I’ve already told you, Nick, there is nothing to say. I know where your words were coming from, you were disappointed and angry with. I get it. And that’s why you should come with me. You said... – Brian’s voice faltered, becoming small and so emptied of his usual confidence. - … you said that you trust me.”

It was so unsettling to hear and see Brian so insecure. And, in the end, that was what made Nick going back on his decision and following Brian. It had always been that way, after all. Since the beginning, since that first moment they had decided to become best friends in the whole universe, Nick had religiously followed Brian wherever je lead and whatever he said or did. Brian was his star, his sun and, even if he had never said one word to him, Nick had long decided to follow the oldest if he would have died before him.

Because that was how it was supposed and would always be.

Together.

Forever.

*********;

“A basketball court?”

That was the place where Brian had so much wanted to take him and, as much as he tried, he couldn’t understand the reason lying underneath it. It was a simple basketball court, inside the park and now completely left abandoned because of the bad weather. It was nothing special, there wasn’t anything that could give Nick a clue about the reason why they were there.

That situation had turned out to be more weird and stranger. That bad feeling, still sitting in the pit of his stomach, didn’t dim but it grew stronger and bigger with every step they had left behind their backs. It had been a silent walk and, under different circumstances, Nick wouldn’t had found something weird about it because it was something that happened regularly and it was one of the things he loved more about his relationship with Brian: that silent and natural being together that could be tasted even if no one would talk or say something, well aware of the presence of the other one but without the constant and desperate need to say something just to break the silence.

How many times did they walk together lost in their own thoughts?

But that time... no, that time was different, though Nick couldn’t place his finger about what was really the turning point of the situation. They hadn’t talk during their walk but, differently from the other times, they didn’t even share a glance or those small gestures that spoke more than the words. Brian hadn’t move any muscles, aside for the necessary to walk, and Nick had found himself being not able to formulate any words because he knew that Brian would had never answered all those questions that kept running inside Nick’s mind.

That time Nick had sensed the distance as if it was a knife that was slowly dipping its sharp tip inside his heart, like it wanted to search the perfect spot to draw the highest amount of blood. Nick trusted Brian. Nick believed when Brian said that he loved and had forgiven him those didn’t do nothing to dissipate that bad feeling that he was still harboring inside him. Something wasn’t right, everything about Brian was so strange and he still hadn’t found a clue to start sorting out that mystery.

And now Brian had taken him in a basketball court. Why?

Brian turned slightly his face towards Nick. A smile, the only sign of emotion, appeared on those lips as soon as his eyes gazed on his partner’s features; Brian’s hand reached out and took Nick’s, intertwining their fingers together- Brian knew that Nick was understanding nothing about what was going on and, in the end, that had been always his goal: keeping him away from the painful truth, keeping him away from everything that could possibly be a danger and a threat for Nick. Because that had always been Brian’s mission: defending and protecting Nick from everything. Including him.

“This is where I realized that I loved you. – Brian replied, turning his eyes towards the court. – Of course not this particular one, since back in the day we didn’t even know that this town existed.”

It was Nick’s turn to smile, tightening up his grip around Brian’s fingers. The cold was still there between them, like a stranger company, but for only just a few second a warmth wind had wrapped itself around him, stealing away a veil of worry.

“A basketball court?”

“We were so much younger. – Brian replied with a sigh, his eyes shining with a light of fondness and memory. – You, especially. You were so much younger than me. I felt like I was a monster, I thought that I was the worst of the friend because I was so convinced to be using you, somehow. I would always bring you somewhere to play because I was so sure that we would end up being the two of us, alone. And I would end up being the only one who could watch you and have all of your attention. You were mine, if only metaphorically speaking. I could watch you, I could fake to push you so that I could touch you... I kept telling myself that it had to end it, I kept telling myself that I was acting like a pedophile but I couldn’t say no to you. I couldn’t give up being with you. You were the only who made me feel good, the one who could made me smile even when I was so close to give up and go back in Kentucky. And I don’t remember exactly when it happened. One day I just saw you laughing and I knew. I knew that I loved you.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Nick whispered with an amused and malicious tone in his voice.

“Yep.”

“I loved those matches because I could just feast my eyes on you without having to justify or defending me with someone else. – Nick whispered, lowering until he was so close that he could brush the tip of the ear with his lips. - Though you had never let me win one game.”

The real Brian, Nick’s Brian, would have laughed at that last sentence. He would have lowered his face, red from embarrassment and then, even before Nick could even take nothing about it, he would have started tickling him. Not that Brian standing by his side, the one that only managed to smile a little.

“The world never lets you win so easily. And where is the good in a victory obtained only because someone else had pitied or felt compassion towards you? Sport has always been a perfect metaphor for life, for this world: sometimes the winner isn’t the strongest but the one who lowers his head and work hard, sacrifice you, so that his team can win. Since that first day, Nick, I knew that we were the best and perfect team, even if we were only wearing the jackets of friendship. Among us, you are the star. And it’s my job to make you shine and protect you from the darkness.”

Nick sighed, passing a hand through his hair. He felt a small pinch starting to burn inside his eyes and he had to bite down on his lip to stop the tears to run down so easily. Intertwined in those words, in words that only Brian could build with such mastery and ability, there were all the love that had always beating inside his heart. Never before had Nick felt it so throbbing, never he had felt those flames stroke his skin, aside for those moments when only their bodies spoke with their special and unique magic language. Nick had always considered Brian as his sun but never, never, he had dared to think to be the same for him. Never he had thought to be so damn important that it was worth losing everything, even the simply being happy and proud of their love, just so to protect him from the hate and hatred.

Oh, that bad feeling hadn’t left his nest. Oh, no, it didn’t disappear just because Nick had understood the reason why they were in that place. That bad feeling became bigger, it changed in sharp claws that were trying to climb back and get to the heart, the centre of the soul and his own being.

“Frick, do you really think that I could give a damn about shining if then I had to hide who is the one that makes me so special? You want to protect me? Well, I want to protect you too.”

For a moment Brian didn’t say anything. In that moment, in that precise moment between space and time, saying goodbye to Nick didn’t seemed like protecting him. From what was he really protecting him from? From what was he trying to shield him if he still had to go away, he still had to leave Nick among waves of pain that would try to make him part of their family?

There was no more time left. Strange was to be able to feel his own body starting to shut down, as if the was a big switchboard that someone, maybe his mind or what else, had started to turn off the switches because there was no more energy for both organs and muscles to work. There was so little time left and, yes, maybe leading Nick to where his body was supposed to be wasn’t really a good idea. What good would come out from it? He was still going to die, regardless if Nick was or wasn’t there with him. And with so little time left, all that Brian wanted was to spend that precious time together with Nick, he wanted to remember those moments when Nick was looking at him so happy and so full of love, instead than facing eyes obscured with desperation and agony for what it was happening.

There was so little time left and, yet, Brian found that he couldn’t really say goodbye. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want for everything to be over, for his life to be ended like that. There were still so many things that Brian wanted to do; so many opportunities that were waiting to be caught, dreams that he had caressed and his life and future with Nick that was just now starting to be real. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t really fair. Time kept clocking away and there was a faint flame hope still burning. It was up to Brian to decide. It was up to Brian to decide if he should save himself or Nick.

Brian placed his hand upon Nick’s cheek, a smile that wanted to reflect the one that was brightening his lover’s face.

“I love you.”

It should had been that simple, a small promise that had became reality as time passed by. In that moment, though, that “I love you” tasted as a bitter and sour goodbye. And it didn’t made sense, Nick thought. It didn’t make sense for Brian to bring him there, to tell him all of those words, only then to say goodbye and what? Break up with him? No, it didn’t make sense.

Brian didn’t let Nick say anything. While kept caressing the cheek, Brian stood on his tiptoes and placed his lips upon Nick’s, at first small touches that only wanted to ask, gently, to be trusted and be accepted. And Nick, Nick didn’t let Brian wait. He would never make him wait even if what Nick really wanted was to ask questions and explanation about that entire situation. But how he could deny Brian when he offered himself like that?

Nick was about to place his arm around Brian’s waist when he noticed, in the corner of his eyes, some people walking by and looking at him strangely. The look wasn’t of shock, or of disgust because two men were hugging so intimately and so close to kiss. They were simply astonished. Dazed. As if he and Brian were the crazy ones, two aliens that had to be studied and observed from far.

No, not even the both of them. Only Nick. Because those people were only looking at Nick.

Brian didn’t seem to notice anything, his lips too busy stealing away the attention from the real world around them. But it was impossible not to listen to that voice that, along with that bad feeling, was trying to eat away every ounce of calm and tranquility he had. So Nick kept looking around, focusing his gaze on those strangers who kept looking at him with an expression that had become shocked and, sometimes, it had the features of pity and compassion. And yet, they were looking only at him, as if Brian didn’t even exist.

“Bri... Bri! – Nick stepped away unwillingly from Brian, still having his hands placed on his arms. – Why do these people keep looking at me? Why are they only looking at me?”

Brian’s answer came as a cold shower, delivered with that emotionless and ice expression that had given birth to horrible monster of bad sensation growing and winning inside Nick.

“Well, you would do the same if you would see someone talking to himself, right?”

There was no time left now. His time was up and Brian had made his decision in the very moment when Nick had asked him that question.

“What the... Brian! I’m freaking talking to you!” Nick said in a whisper, as if he didn’t want to give air and breathe to that voice that was trying to go out and scream from his soul.

“Yes. You are talking to me. – Brian replied, without even a small smile. Only that cold hand, placed on Nick’s cheek. – But you are the only one who can see me.”

*********;

Rain was pouring down again. Small drops, so tiny that they could be felt only when they would hit something, sliding then away and painting itself with red. Rain was coming down again and a part of Brian, that part still awake and alive, was fighting with every ounce of energy and strength not to be caught inside the web of darkness.

It was strange. Merely a few seconds – or were they minutes? – Before, Brian hadn’t been afraid of dying. Maybe it had been because pain had taken the stage and his mind hadn’t been able to comprehend that tiny and so important detail. But now that everything had been numbed, now that pain was only a memory and everything felt cold, Brian could only feel those small raindrops melting away once they had touched his face.

He didn’t want to go.

He wanted Nick, at least, there with him

Even if he wanted to protect him, even if he didn’t want Nick to see him in those conditions, all that Brian desired was to have Nick there with him.

He didn’t want to die.

He didn’t want to be left alone.

He had never wanted to be alone. It made him remember a time of his life that he had always acted like it didn’t really happened. He never talked about, he always glazed over and said how lucky he had been but he had never talked about how hard those months spent in hospital had been, the only kid of his ages prisoner in a small room while all of his friends were playing soccer or were learning new things. They would come to visit him, once the worst had been over, but it had never been normal, all of them so weary and afraid to touch him. So he was left being alone and that was where he started to hate the loneliness and always managed to be around someone: silence was too suffocating; silence brought to light all those bad thoughts that had been hidden in the most remote and obscure corners of his mind. Nick had been his saving grace, a constant and loud presence in his life even when he hadn’t been there with him physically: messages and phone calls seemed to arrive randomly, without a proper request, as if Nick would sense when loneliness was starting to creeping up without being noticed.

Nick could beat it again. Nick could beat that loneliness once again. Maybe he couldn’t beat death, maybe he would never be able to force Brian to stay but he could, and he would, erase that cold feeling from those last instants.

And he was tired.

Brian was tired because, as Nick was used to say, he never stopped going and doing things even when the level of energy was so damn low that it was only fierce will that kept him standing and going. Brian could only rest when Nick, doing his best impression of puppy eyes, would make him succumb and lie down on the couch to watch all the football matches they had lost during the months of touring. Brian was tired and so utterly cold and sleeping seemed so much charming and attractive that it was harder and harder to remember why sleeping was so a bad idea.

“You need to stay awake, Frick.”

Nick’s voice was a whisper brought by the wind, a drop of rain that seemed to wake every memory.

Brian couldn’t fall asleep. Not until he had seen Nick for the last time. Not until he had been able to apologize and told him that he would love him from that small cloud they would give him in heaven. If he would be allowed to be sent there.

Brian didn’t even feel the cold anymore. Nor cold nor pain. Nothing. Only the awareness that soon everything would be over; the curtain would closed down while he was all alone, rain and tears mixing together before there was only a river that was becoming redder and redder.

Nicky...

Even if Nick was still angry with him. Even if he was still convinced that Brian was ashamed of them and that Nick was and would always be his dirty secret. How could he think so little of him? And that still hurt, though it was nothing compared to the desperation that those words would be the last Nick would hear from him. That mere fact was going to destroy Nick, Brian was sure. That and the fact that Brian had left himself go without even putting up a fight.

And Brian couldn’t let it happen.

Nicky...

With his last forces, Brian reached his hand toward the pocket of his jeans. Once, twice, his fingers slipped without accomplished their task to search and get his cell phone. Had he take it up, at least? Brian couldn’t remember, there was still that deep mist that clouded all of his thoughts and memories. More agitated Brian tried to summon his other hand to search for that small object but the more he tried the more his attempts fell against the cement.

No, no, Nicky...

If he couldn’t find his phone, how could he call and warn Nick? And if he couldn’t call Nick...

He had been defeated. He had lost and now death was going to claim what it had won. Those goof and poor attempts had sucked away any traces left of oxygen and breath. There was nothing left inside Brian, only desperation and it took away the last veil or warmth his body was still clutching on. Now there was only a body prisoner of cold and numbness. In a last shred of lucidity, in a last attempt not to succumb into the darkness, Brian desired and wished for the pain to be back because hurting would meant that there was still a small and frail flame of hope. But his prayer was left unanswered as the numbness grew stronger and bigger. With every rain drop that fell down. With every shadow that came closer and closer.

Then. Then darkness decided that it was time to wrap its blanket around that clod and shivering body, shelter him like a loving father would had done but with the malicious grin of a kidnaper sure that no one was going to see him as he took away that soul.

Frack.

That word, that name, was Brian’s last prayer. The last syllabi, rolled around the hope that somehow it might would find Nick wherever he was.

Then the curtain fell down, leaving only silence and darkness.

Third Chapter















Strange was the sensation that was trying to rise up inside Nick: no more claws and neither that beast that had nested beneath his heart and had fed from his worry and anxiety for Brian. If he had been able to find the words to describe it, Nick would have painted it with thousand and thousand bubbles. Yes, tiny bubbles that were becoming bigger and bigger as they climbed their way from his stomach up to his throat; only when they started to tickle the tip of the tongue Nick understood what was really that sensation.

It wasn’t that natural and thunderous laugh, painted with a brush of joy, for the new Brian’s joke or imitation; it wasn’t neither that thin, delicate and malicious one that was born from eye’s meetings or glances’ exchanges before they could lock themselves inside the security of their bedroom and let the world keep running as they, as Brian and Nick, would promise again and learn a new way to love each other’s body. That laugh, that wanted to escape at any cost, had its parents in the desperation and a blind incredibility because Brian’s words didn’t make sense. At all. They couldn’t have any sense until Nick wouldn’t admit the only one condition that could give a first shade of meaning for that situation. The only and possible condition that could explain, and made him accept, that a ghost, Brian’s ghost, was standing in front of him was...

No, it couldn’t be real. He wouldn’t and couldn’t accept.

“No. – The simple word came out as a whisper from Nick’s lips, a murmur stolen quickly by the wind. – No.”

Brian, or whatever was that had his features and looked just like him, didn’t reply. Nothing appeared on that emotionless face, not even that compliant expression Brian used whenever Nick would come up with one of his weird and strange idea.

He would have reached out a hand and touch Brian. Yes, Nick just wanted to touch Brian and make sure that it was all a joke, a stupid and idiot joke, but he couldn’t even move just one finger. Fear blocked him, fear kept him prisoner and tried, although useless, to protect him. Because if Nick would took away that little and simple detail that it couldn’t be real, all that situation finally made sense: Brian’s so strange behavior, that needing to take him in that place and how he was just wanted to make Nick understand how deep and infinite had been his love for him. Out of context, out from the impossibility, everything had the bitter taste of a goodbye.

Brian was leaving him. Brian was leaving without the intention to come back. And it all tasted and seemed like one of those nightmares Nick used to have since the first day he had met Brian. Yes, that fear had set its root years and years before, back when Nick didn’t even know what love was or how natural it could be to become part of someone else as if it was breathing or telling a muscle to move. That nightmare and fear that still had hold of Nick was to be abandoned by the only one who never really left, even when they barely spoke to each other or when he had been so damn convinced that everyone hated him.

And now that nightmare was becoming real. Brian was dying. Or maybe he was already dead, perhaps he had used his last energies to create… yes, to create exactly what? The most horrible joke ever? That prank? And there, in that exact moment, the laughter became anger.

“No. – Nick repeated firmly. – It can’t be true. Tell me that it isn’t so, Brian.”

He couldn’t believe it. Nick couldn’t believe that it was going to end like that, in that absurd way and without having the chance to do something to stop it. Because more than everything, Nick wouldn’t allow Brian to leave him alone in that cold and hard world, he wouldn’t and couldn’t allow him to take away the only thing worth fighting and never surrender.

“What do you want me to say? – Brian asked, nor denying and neither admitting the truth. Seconds were ticking away so fast but his first priority hadn’t change: Nick, first and foremost. And if that meant that he had to lie, Brian would have done without even blinking. – What would make you feel better?”

Nick didn’t know exactly which of those words had shifted in the sneakiest fist that landed against his stomach. But for a moment, for a long and almost endless instant, it was as if his lungs couldn’t even try to grasp and hold a single atom of air. Nick had always knew and it really shouldn’t be a surprise or a shock hearing Brian saying that he was willing to lie if it made Nick feel better. That was something that they never ever talked about it, things set in a relationship built in the span of a lifetime and without the need or the desire to change or shift its foundation. But now those bricks were driving Nick mad because nothing could ever made him feel better. How? How could lying be better when Brian was dying?

“The truth. Brian. At least, you own me the truth.”

Hesitation, that strenuous battle between duty and will, appeared on that face that had only shown love and devotion towards Nick until that very second.

Be selfish, that was what logic kept repeating inside Brian’s mind, fighting against that very heart and soul that only wanted to protect its brightest star. Be selfish and tell him what’s going on. Tell him to save you.

Simple words. Brian only needed to say those few and simple words that could have saved both of them, preventing death and desperation to even touch and harm them. Together they had always been stronger. But could they be stronger than death? Could they fight and defeat something that was so final? You’ve already done it before. Twice. Yes, Brian had already defeated death before and Nick had always been the reason and what pushed him not to give up and surrender. Even when Brian didn’t even know Nick, even when all he had known was that he had to stay on earth to protect someone.

“The truth. The truth is that I just wanted to protect you, Nick.” Brian whispered, as if he was afraid that his voice could be stolen away by the wind.

“Protect? From what?”

“From pain. From getting hurt. I had to protect you.”

For a moment Nick wanted to get closer, moved by the desire to take Brian’s hand in his. But that longing lasted only for a second and Nick stopped on his heels, realizing that it would have been useless because of what Brian really was. And that realization hurt the most, leaving behind a deeper scar with that thought that he was just starting to realize how his life was going to be from now on: not being able to touch Brian, not being able to make him smile as his fingertips found that sensitive place on his neck; not being able to hug him, nor caressing his skin with his lips. That was pain. That was heartache. Not seeing Brian lifeless or in whatever conditions he was lying now. Painful and heartbreaking was not being able to spend his life with him. Or not being able to, at least, say him goodbye.

“You can’t. – Nick replied, his voice sadly compliant. – This is the only thing you can’t protect me from.”

“I can try.”

“Do you really think and believe that I care about how I am going to say goodbye? Do you really think that this is the most important thing?”

Brian made a step forward. And a second. A third. And another one until he found himself so close to Nick to feel those shivers and trembles that nothing had to do with the cold wind that breathed and hissed through the trees.

“Now it doesn’t matter, of course. But in a few weeks, when the first wave of pain would be over, you’re gonna hate that the last memory you’ll have of me would be full of pain, prayers and painted in red blood.” Those words were caressed by cold fingers that found their place upon Nick’s cheek, caresses that seemed just the wind breathing upon his skin.

“No. No. No. – Nick started to shake his head, as if all he wanted was to erase what was happening. – I’ll hate you. Brian, I’m so gonna hate you if you don’t let me help you. I’ll hate you if you let me spend the rest of my life blaming myself for your death.”

A frown of confusion appeared on Brian’s face, his eyes half closed as he tried to make sense of that accusation. “Blame? It’s not your fault! How can it be?”

“We had a fight. If I hadn’t accused you to be ashamed of us, nothing would ever happen. You wouldn’t have to run from our house. You wouldn’t end up…” Nick didn’t dare to finish his sentence, though the word dead and lying in a pool of blood was running through his mind. But speaking them, saying them out loud, meant facing the reality intertwined within them and yet he couldn’t and didn’t want to accept it.

It was Brian’s turn to shake his head and chase away those words. “No. It wasn’t...”

“It is. – Nick interrupted Brian before he could convince him of his truth. – It’s my fault. And even if you manage to convince me otherwise, I’ll still feel that way. Because I couldn’t save you. Because I couldn’t hold you one last time. Because I’ll be alive while you will be dead. And you know what it is going to happen. You know that I will end up in a vortex of auto destruction. So, tell me, is this what you really want? Is this the way you want the story to end?”

Nick knew that it was a shitty move even for him: using Brian’s high sense of protection, blaming him for what it might happen to him, were all such low blown and they made him feel sick but it didn’t really matter. Because Nick knew they were going to work. And because Nick, in that moment, didn’t really care for things like moral and doing the right thing and the fact those strangers kept looking and pointing at him like he was a weird and crazy man. Maybe he was mad, maybe what he was living was only a mere product of his craziness or maybe it was really a horrible and terrible nightmare he couldn’t seem to wake up from. Whatever it was, still, Nick couldn’t let it end with that tragic and meaningless epilogue. Even if it meant threatening Brian. And he wasn’t even ashamed and felt any sort of remorse in doing it.

Brian faltered. His hand slipped from the cheek, lying lifeless along the hip. Time slipped away as rapidly as he felt himself becoming weaker and weaker as seconds and minutes disappeared from time’s grasp.

I want Nick. I need Nick. I don’t want be alone. Please.

The thought had been spoken in a frail and weak whisper. But it had been his own voice, there weren’t any doubts. What the hell was going on? Brian took a step back, a hand on his head and eyes blinking as his sight was starting to become cloudy: echoes of pain and heartache started to gain volume, as if they had been silenced up until that moment form the desire and the need to protect Nick above everything. But it was useless, now. In that moment Brian understood that it was useless protecting Nick from something so inevitable, just like inevitable was the way blood and energies were quickly disappearing from his body. Nick was going to be hurt, Nick was going to be drowned by the pain and it was up to Brian deciding the less of the hurt.

“There... there isn’t much time left...” Words came out broken, as if his own ghost had trouble breathing.

“Bri? Bri? What is going on?”

For a second Brian could only see black around him. There was only darkness enveloping him, layers and layers of a thick midst that was trying to suffocate Brian and tearing him away from Nick. And there was pain, blinding pain that was only reminding him how thin and fragile was that line between life and death.

“Nick...”

“Tell me where you are. I beg you, Brian. Don’t do this to me. Don’t you dare. If you really love me like you say you do, if all you want is to protect me then you have to tell me where you are.”

Lost were any signs of dignity and there was no need to threaten anymore because everything was buried under what was unraveling itself in front of his eyes: one moment Brian, or whatever he was, was caressing and was acting as if any decision had been already made without a chance to object against it; another after that human image started to falter, lines and borders had started to become more and more blurred while Brian fell on his knees, a hand covering his side. Nick fell on his knees too. Nick fell in front of Brian and, for a second, all the air around him was sucked away by that face finally showing some kind of expression, though it was the most pure and heartfelt painting of pain.

“There’s a reason… there’s a reason why we are here…”

It happened in just one breath. That situation was totally turned upside down and, just as like how that storm had happened so suddenly, born and dead without any notice, it happened without even saying or speaking softly.

“I know. Brian, you told me why. Because you love me.”

There was no time left. Brian was feeling time and life slipping away from his fingertips, along with those red tears that now could be seen even on his hand.

“I love you. You’re my hiding. And not only physically.”

“What the hell are you saying? Bri, B, just tell me where you are. Please.”

Why was it so difficult for Brian to remember the place where his body was lying? He knew exactly why they were here because that park and that particular basketball court had always been his hiding corner whenever he had been so angry or so ashamed to go back to Nick. And that was the reason and the motive why he took Nick there and not just to show him how much he loved him for the last time. But Brian couldn’t tell the difference anymore, only surrounded by that dark mist that had taken away every senses and every grip and hold to lucidity and reality.

“It hurts.”

“I know. I know, Bri. – Nick replied in a sob, a cry that was followed by a tear. He reached out a hand, ready to caress away that pain, but it disappear in that space that should had been a face made of skin and bones, instead than blurred lines. – You need to tell me where I can find you. Bri... I beg you. I can’t lose you. Don’t leave me like this.”

Just a prayer. Those words were only a prayer, a begging that couldn’t be hold back because everything was about to fall down and losing seemed like it was winning over them. Only a prayer, yes, but it was that fragile and weak prayer to finally break through those dark clouds that were winning inside Brian. And Brian, his ghost, held to those with the last energies left: it was worth feeling the full blown of pain, it was worth not being able to breathe because of those sharp and painful knives, if it meant that Brian hadn’t to leave Nick and neither that future that he had always caressed and couldn’t wait to make it true.

That was the time, the most perfect time, to be selfish. Brian had always been afraid of that word, he had always been afraid in putting his wishes before someone else’s. Before Nick’s. It had always been like that, Brian had always put his wishes aside if it meant to make Nick happy. If it meant he was worth of being by his side. And for the first time being selfish didn’t mean breaking that promises he made when he met Nick.

“This place… this is where I come when… - Brian tried to reply, stopping only to try to find and remember where his body could be. - … I can’t… I don’t remember…”

“You come here…” Nick repeated as if he could find a trace to start looking for Brian.

“Yes. I come here… I came here this time…”

He had to be there. Brian had to be somewhere, in some corners of a place Nick barely knew. His eyes started looking around, wondering where he would hide if he had been Brian. But he couldn’t see anything out of normal, nothing that couldn’t tell him where Brian could be lying fighting for his life. A hiss, suddenly, brought his attention back to Brian. And, for the first time, he took notice of that colored note that was so out of place with all the grey.

Red blood.

How did Nick fail to notice it?

“Bri, what the fuck happened?” The question sneaked away before Nick could even stop the words from forming upon his lips. It wasn’t a good sign, not by a mile and who knew how much worse and delicate the situation really was. How really bad Brian’s conditions were.

Even if he heard it, Brian didn’t reply. It was like as if he didn’t even heard those words, too worried and busy in trying to get up. Suddenly he was so weak that even thinking about standing up required energies he didn’t have. He tried once and fell down again; he tried a second time and he stumbled, the world spinning around but, the third time, he finally made it.

“Come with me.” He only said, reaching out his hand towards Nick.

“Where?” Nick asked, his eyes confused and unsure about accepting that hand.

“There’s no time for explaining.”

“You remember, then?”

“Nick!” Brian didn’t shut. Brian never shouted, especially not against Nick and even when it was so necessary and important that he would listen. Like that very moment. It was that one of those things so peculiar about that voce, that ability to sound firm and threatening even if he was using his normal tone. So Nick didn’t answer, he just nodded and held those fingers stretched out for him. They weren’t just cold. They were frozen, as if the ice of death had already started to slip inside that body that had always been so warm, especially when they had been together. Especially when those hands intertwined together escaped from the reins of control and gave warmth and comfort as if they knew what they needed in that moment.

So they started to run. Or it was better to say that only Nick was running because he would have been the only one to be seen by whoever was about to cross that park in that very moment: Nick running as if the world’s safety depending on it. They ran, he ran, until they reached another basketball court, smaller than the one where they had been until that moment, and apparently abandoned and all ruined: weed had found a way to escape from the pavement and had started to grow freely; the net was almost gone, or maybe someone took pity of it and took it away before wind and rain would go it rotten. In that place grey and shadow seemed like something alive, a melancholy and sadness that was trying to find their shape and live among the humans.

Everything, in that place, seemed lonely. Forgotten. Alone.

For a moment Nick couldn’t move, standing there and watching what seemed like the perfect image of how his life would become without Brian. But that metaphor wasn’t only linked to his future, it spoke about his past and how much he had always felt so utterly alone and forgotten by a family that called only when it came to money and help. He had never felt that way for a long time, now, because Brian had been always able to chase away those clouds and bring the sun back. And Nick… Nick didn’t want to return to that life, the life before Brian.

Finally Nick saw Brian, the real Brian, long before his ghost could direct him towards its body. Ironic was the fact that even that body had taken up all the resemblances of that place for it had been left alone behind a bench, or what had been left of rusted copper.

Everything stopped in that very moment. A frozen wind took control of Nick, making him unable to think aside the mere fact that there lied his other half and for how long he had shouted, screamed and cried for a help that never came because no one could hear him. There was a sound, a whistle that rose above the unstoppable beating of his heart but Nick couldn’t pay attention to it, how he could focus his attention to the world when he couldn’t even breathe?

Fear was back again, fear was what kept Nick still so far away from Brian, the real Brian, the one that was lying like a broken doll. And that was the moment when finally Nick understood why Brian’s ghost had tried so hard to keep Nick from save him: nothing could ever erase those images, even the relief he would feel once everything would be over and okay again. Nick knew that he could never forget seeing Brian lying in a pool of red blood and that image was going to follow him.

He could and he wanted to run away so badly. He could but Nick knew that he couldn’t do it. He would never be able to leave Brian behind, especially not in those conditions. And ironically that was the moment Nick had waited for years and years, the moment when it would be his time to wear the cape of superhero and take the weight of world, and Brian’s, on his shoulders.

The whistle became louder and louder and some kind of quiet and unnatural peace started to put their blanket all over Nick. His steps became more confident, though there was still an echo of insecurity and fear. And those steps, finally, brought Nick to the almost lifeless body of Brian.

“Bri…” A sob fell at the same exact moment that Nick’s knees went weak, making him fall and be near to Brian. That body didn’t even look like Brian’s, it looked like one of those wax copies for the skin was so pale and deathly.

Red.

The only color was that red that had slipped away and formed a pool beneath the body. Nick’s eyes, though clouded by teas, observed and observed for trying to understand where all that red river was coming from.

“Pressure. You need to put pressure. Remember all those movies? You…” Brian’s ghost hadn’t disappeared. It was still there next to Nick, though he couldn’t see anymore. It was only a voice, maybe his conscience or whatever else that was telling Nick what he needed to do.

“I need to stop the blood. – While talking, Nick put a hand where his eyes had finally found what they were looking for, what was wrong in that complicated puzzle that had always been Brian’s body. The first touch, the first contact with Brian’s cold skin and that red water that was trying to slip though the fingers that were trying to stop it, and Nick found himself wincing with another sob. – No, no, no. Bri! Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare to leave me!” Nick ran his free hand through Brian’s hair, before letting it fall on that spot of the neck to check Brian’s pulse. But he must have done something wrong, there had to be something wrong because Nick couldn’t hear a single thing.

“Call 911.”

“I can’t hear your heartbeat.”

“Call 911.”

Nick turner around to look towards that ghost that had protected and brought him there, although he still couldn’t see it anymore.

“I swear, Brian. I swear that I will do it. If you die now, if you leave, I won’t let a day pass by before following you.” Nick didn’t have to scream. Every single word, every tone and pause were full to the brim with those tears that still were streaming down his face and those sobs that made it impossible to breath. Only silence replied to Nick’s begging. The cold whistle of the wind. The sound of leaves and of cars running on the streets around the park. Then, a whisper.

“It hurts.”

“Bri… The Brian I know, the Brian I love and admire more than anyone else, would never surrender to the pain. You have to promise me. You have to swear that you won’t leave me. Promise me that you will come back to me. – Nick lowered his face, full aware of those teardrops that were falling from his eyes. – I can’t… I can’t without you. Just come back.”

Once again only silence replied to Nick’s prayer. Although he wanted no more than surrender, although he just wanted to hide in himself before pain could take hold of him, Nick finally took his phone albeit he couldn’t tell who the person was answering him. Maybe 911, maybe Kevin because he had been the person he had always called when Brian wasn’t available.

Just a fraction of a second. A so small instant, so thin that it could fly away without being notice if fate and coincidences hadn’t worked together to help the two lovers. The moment when Nick brought his attention back to Brian, the real and so almost dead Brian, and he found himself looking into his eyes. Up until that moment, they had been closed, they had been another clue about how bad and serious the situation was and how useless words were because they wouldn’t be enough to put the broken pieces together again. Not in that moment. In that moment, Brian’s eyes were open and so clear, no clouds that could hide something that only Nick could read. Because that second of lucidity was the only answer Brian could offer to Nick’s prayer, the only way Brian knew to let Nick understand that he would never break a promise to him. And, with that brief glance, Brian had just promised to come back.

Fourth Chapter



















Everything was muffled. Numbed. It was as if he fluttering upon a cloud, a soft and comfortable corner where nothing could really reach him. There wasn’t sound or rumor that could distract him. Gone was the pain, gone were those stabs that started from his side and then, just as if there was a fire, had ended up firing up and burning every inch of his body. No more pain. No more suffering. Only a faint echo, a weak memory of how still painful and hard the real world was to face.

Brian wanted to wake up. In that far-fetched place where he was, upon that cloud, there was still one image that hadn’t left his memory and that was Nick’s face during his last moments of lucidity. Nick’s face and, most and mostly, that look of utterly agony and desperation while Nick was begging and praying him to come back. And, in the end, that was the only and most important reason why Brian wanted to wake up: he wanted to open his eyes and assure Nick that he hadn’t gone, he hadn’t left him and he would never ever done something like that on purpose. He wanted to wake up but he was so tired and so weak that he didn’t even try. Every part of his body, bones or muscles, seemed like to weight more than usual, as if someone had placed hard stones on them and he still hadn’t the energy to fight or try to lift them.

“… oh, you can’t make fun of me ever again when I’ll sleep until late…”

Brian shouldn’t, and wasn’t, surprised that the only voice that he could hear belonged to Nick. It was a constant sound, though Brian couldn’t tell how long he had been at least conscious to notice it. Nick’s voice would stop only for a few seconds, just that amount enough to breathe, and then it would keep on talking about everything and everyone, about people Brian didn’t know and places they still had to visit and, when Nick had run out of topics, he started to tell him about movies and tv shows. Oh, when he would be finally strong enough to wake up, Brian was going to share a few words with his lover and that unhealthy habit to stay with him and not even rest a little. Oh Brian knew, Brian just knew that Nick hadn’t really left his side since he found him in that park. Just like he already knew how he had fought and objected whenever Kevin, or his family, had tried to bring him outside and take a break for a few hours.

Oh, Nick was so going to hear him about that!

And that was, in the end, why Brian wouldn’t try to force waking up. He knew that he had to rest and regain his energies because he needed to take care of Nick. It was his duty and the reason why he had fought that part of him that wanted to let go of pain and suffering. He had to get better and recover as quickly as possible.

Although it wasn’t really that bad. Not the whole thing about having almost died. That was a little bit scaring and, if Brian would have been a little more lucid, he would have been definitely terrified about how close he had been to lose everything and Nick. No, what wasn’t really bad was the whole being taken care, the whole feeling protected because he knew that nothing could really harm him until Nick would stay by his side, sitting on an uncomfortable chair and watching over his sleep.

“… but maybe it’s okay, Bri. It’s about time you rest a little. You never stop and I know how it is going to be once you’ll come back home. I need to confess it: it’s a mess. I tried, I swear that I tried to clean a little but I’m never able to do it like you want. Although, my dear, you have a too much high standard!”

Brian smiled. Or, at least, he thought about smiling but he wasn’t sure if that smile managed to appear on his face. Probably not because Nick’s voice kept talking about all the things he managed to break while cleaning and, if he would have smiled, he knew that Nick would have said something. No, no just said. He would have screamed and exclaimed so, maybe, his smile only appeared in a fantasy and in Brian’s imagination. He could picture Nick, looking around the mess left in the house and trying to clean just to make him feel better: it happened before, it happened so many times just like so many times Brian had tried to teach Nick how to do it. Every time it ended in the same exact way, the cleaning all forgotten and the two of them laughing and playing around like little kids.

Brian wanted to tell Nick that it was okay, that he didn’t have to clean or do things because soon he would be able to come home. But consciousness started to slip away, Nick’s voice began to fade until it was just a whisper, too soft to distinguish words and their meaning. Nick’s voice became a sweet lullaby, a slow rocking that brought Brian back to the safe and protected arms of darkness and sleep.

The second time consciousness revealed itself in a harder way, a sharp contrast and opposite to the soft cloud Brian had found himself lying upon the first time. That second time, instead, a fire took the centre of the stage and stole the attention; those flames, although they still weren’t that high and only barely hinted, had brought back all the pain and suffering that Brian had tried to run away from.

Tied together with that fire there was more awareness too. Senses started to send precious and important clues and information: smell reassured him about the fact that he was in a hospital, how it could be different with that peculiar and persistent scent of antiseptic; hearing brought the sounds of all those machines that were working beside his bed and, in the background, there were the muffled rumors of a football match streamed on television. How serious had been his conditions? How long had he been lying unconscious on that bed? Not knowing was terrifying, not knowing made his heart beating faster and air a little bit more difficult to breathe in. At least he his injuries hadn’t been that serious if they hadn’t seen the need to put a tube down his throat: he hated it the last time and he still could remember how panic got a hold of him when he had woken up with the feeling of something stranger inside his throat. He would have shuddered if he had the energies, still hunted by the fear of not being able to breathe or not being able to take away that foreign object because hands were trying to restrain him.

Still, it was the touch that managed to bring and send the most important information, telling his mind about his hand being held by another hand and about, slow and measured caresses on that small spot between thumb and index. Gathering as much energies as he could, Brian dared his weak body to at least reply at that safe grip. It ended up being a subtle caress and he knew that his hold was not even half the force he usually used when holding Nick’s hand but he hoped that it worked nonetheless. Nick’s fingers trembled for just a second, Brian felt it against the skin of his wrist while a lonely and solitary tear fell upon that twine of hands. Oh, how Brian wanted to reach out and brush away those tears from Nick’s eyes. Oh, how he wanted to open his own eyes, how he wanted to succeed in that simple and so natural task, something that should have been implicit that didn’t even need to be thought of. He just wanted to blink once, erasing that dust that seemed like had glued his eyes together and, for one moment, he wanted to reflect himself inside the blue of Nick’s eyes. Just for a second. He wanted to but he couldn’t do it, too blinded and too worried by those flames of pain that seemed to have grown bigger and bigger, raising their heads and wanting to surface in all their glory.

A moan. A faint and weak moan managed to escape from his lips and, after a few moments later, Brian found himself floating towards that cloud and corner where nothing, especially the pain, could reach him. Before shutting down completely, however, Brian could feel a sweet and gentle caress through his hair, a kiss made of the same essence of wings and promises.

“You’re going to be okay. Just sleep. You’ve came back.”

Reassured and trusting Nick’s words, Brian let go and let himself being rocked by the waves of numbness and unconscious.

The third time, the awakening had some sort of resemblance of normality: tiredness and exhaustation were still so present, although he only slept for what he could gathered had been days and days, a thin and frail veil wrapped around his mind. And yet he was more lucid, there was a clear consciousness about where he was and how he felt: his body and his sense had started to take attention to its surrounding and pain, albeit a shadow, was confined only to that part of the body that had been hurt and where there was still an open scar on the skin. Opening his eyes didn’t seem a complicated or impossible task. He still needed more than one trying and, at the beginning, the light of the day had been so bright that Brian had to shut them down immediately and groaning with discomfort. Soon the rumors of a chair screeching filled the air as someone, most probably Nick, tried to lower the curtains to stop that light that was hurting his eyes so bad.

“Try now.”

He trusted those words and so Brian, after hours and days surrounded by the darkness, opened his eyes. At first everything was sort of all blurred, as if there was still a little mist or veil that made it difficult to see; slowly, though, shadows started to become more definite, assuming lines and borders that gave shape to objects and human figure.

Especially one particular figure.

Nick’s.

Nick looked probably worse than him, deep and dark circles around his eyes and a pale skin that almost matched his. And those eyes, that bright blue that was made clearer and more shining because of those tears that wanted so badly to escape and fall down. They were different, the tears, they were so different from the last time Brian had seen and witnessed Nick’s crying, perhaps because that time desperation and utterly agony had been the context that gave meaning and expression to those drops. Not that day, not in that moment because the brightest smile was making them shining even more, reminding Brian why he fell in love with those features decades and decades before. Even more those features, now finally happy and joyful, had been his only company during that sleep with no dreams or something to hold on to.

“Ehi. – Nick whispered, failing miserably in fighting back that lump in his throat. – You’re finally awake. I was starting to think that I had to kiss you, my sleeping beauty.”

Brian’s lips started to move to reply but the driest of the desert, that was what mouth and throat had changed into, prevented every words from coming out. Just a matter f seconds and a glass of water appeared in front of him while a straw made that task a little bit more dignified and less embarrassing.

“Ehi.”

Nick sat down on the bed, taking the glass still full and placing it on the bedside table before taking and holding Brian’s hand in his. And finally, finally, those fingers were warm as they were supposed be. In that moment it hit him the fact that Brian was awake, smiling as if he hadn’t almost died or as if he hadn’t been lying unconscious for days.

Nick had dreamed about that moment, right from the second the doctors told him that Brian was going to make it through. That moment had been the only thing making him going through days and days all blurred together, surrounded by silence and those monitors beeping and telling him that Brian was still fighting. But now that it actually happened, now that he could see himself in those blue eyes, Nick didn’t know what to say. Oh, in those lonely days, he had prepared words and things that he was sure were needed to be say. But now they seemed useless. And so cliché. And Brian never liked those words. No, he hated them so bad that, years before, he had almost thrown him out of his room when Nick had tried to apologize for not being there for his surgery.

But, although Nick didn’t know what to say, he also didn’t like that silence. Too loud, too suffocating and it was giving Brian the time and the energies to look through the mask Nick had wore until that moment. So Nick started babbling and rambling about everything that could come up to his mind, all those words that doctors had spoken through all the hours of waiting and all those threads of hopes Nick had clung to because he couldn’t and wouldn’t believe them.

“You’re gonna be okay. You’ve scared everyone. You’ve scared me so bad. They weren’t sure… for a couple of minutes they weren’t sure because you’ve lost so much blood. They wanted to give up, they didn’t believe that you could… but you did. You fought so much. You’ve proved them wrong, my brave fighter.” Nick caressed Brian’s hair with his fingers, leaving a soft kiss on that spot where hair and skin melted together.

“Nick.” Brian tried to stop him right there, his voice just above a whisper, hoarse and already tired for just being awake those few minutes. But he didn’t need much energy to understand what was going through Nick’s mind and soul behind that façade and those sentences tied together without a real meaning: that accident, that aggression, hadn’t taken away his most precious treasure, that knowing perfectly how Nick worked and all the things Brian had learnt while living and loving Nick.

“… but now you’re awake and you’re gonna be okay. I will make sure of it. Although it will take more time for you to go back and jump from everything…”

“Nick.”

That last time Nick’s name on Brian’s lips had been a thin whisper, a tone full of sweetness and understanding. As it had always been because no one but Brian was able to read Nick like that, as if his soul was only a mirror that reflected every thought and every emotion. And Nick couldn’t hold back anymore, couldn’t control anymore that storm ranging and growing bigger and bigger inside him: that storm was made by thunders and rain of hours of fear, minutes of anxiety and feeling guilty and seconds spent trying to imagine his life without Brian and immediately scolding himself for that weakness. Now he didn’t have to be strong, he didn’t have to bite back tears and cries because Brian was back and he was already willing to take that weight off from his shoulders. So Nick slid down until he could hide his face on Brian’s chest as the tears started to run away from those chains they had been prisoners of for so many days and so many sleepless nights. He could finally break down, although there was a faint and small voice, inside his mind, that was trying to warn him about how weak Brian still was: it should have been the opposite, it should have been him the one reassuring someone who had just woken up from almost dying instead than being comforted. But there he was, lying and draped carefully around Brian’s body, clinging as if he was still terrified about losing him, about Brian slipping away and shifting again in that ghost that, Nick was sure, would haunt in his dreams for years and years in the future.

Brian didn’t have to speak, didn’t have to use words and didn’t even try to stop those tears falling down on his chest: those few and precious energies left were used to keep his fingers caressing Nick’s hair and head, sure and convinced that all he needed to say to him was being conveyed by his caresses. They would find time to talk, just not in that moment. There was going to be all the time in the world for talking and healing, not only physically. But, in that particular moment between time and space, nothing else mattered but the two of them.

“I was so scared. I was terrified that I was going to be left alone. I don’t want to live without you in my life. You’re all that I have left in this world.”

“But I’m back. I promised you and I kept my words. I’m back. I will always coming back for you. I will never leave you alone again.”

“I’m so sorry... I… I should…”

“It’s okay. We’re both sorry. I should never let you think that I could be ashamed of us.”

All that mattered, in that moment, were the two of them. Nothing else, just them and those words that would shift and change into whispers and caresses, lingering in a thin line between comfort and promises of not letting the world, and its prejudices, have so much control and power over that beautiful and precious thing they had and could ever find again in their life. Because that was the lesson both of them had learned: it didn’t matter what people could or would think over their relationship and their love, it didn’t matter what they could and might say behind their backs, as they walked hand in hand and acted like every other couple. Their words, their poison, would and couldn’t touch and ruin what they had or could ever be able to break them apart. Even if they tried over and over again, failure was what was waiting for them because even death hadn’t been able to come between Brian and Nick.

“I love you.”

Those three words were Brian’s last whisper before he let sleep wrap its arms around him, promising to heal those scars and pain that still were screaming and talking loudly.

“I know. I love you too. – Nick replied in a voice hoarse from the tears as his lips leaned on Brian’s forehead and left a butterfly kiss. – Thank you for coming back to me. Thank you for listening to my prayer.”

Epilogue



























The smell of berries rose up from the garden and, after danced together with the wind around leaves and the first strings of grass already awaken, wandered between the curtains until it reached the bed. That aroma had wanted to be the one who would had the duty and the honor to wake the couple up but, disappointedly, it had to admit surrender when it realized that only one was still wrapped inside the blankets of sleep and dreams. So, acting as if it thought it was a breezy pixie , the perfume decided to sit down next to the only person awake and mimic his posture, placing all its invisible weight on an elbow and just lost staring his partner. The first rays of lights, courageous and with no fear at all since it wasn’t the time to rise yet, laid upon the blankets and fell asleep on those lines and features that made a face that, Brian was so damn sure, he wouldn’t never be tired to observe and love.

Only a couple a weeks had passed from that night when, once again, Brian had to meet and face death: the first time he had defeated it, he had been a five years old boy who didn’t and couldn’t know how serious and dangerous had been that meeting; the second time death had come out of the blue, so suddenly and so powerful that Brian had known exactly how lucky he had been to come out alive once again. He had realized, back then, how all of his life had always been a series of blessings and how some of them weren’t that much all deserved. And, maybe, he had taken those for granted so that was the reason why death had came to meet him once again.

This last time, thou, had been so much harder to scroll by. This last time had left a scar much deeper and painful to conceal with a smile. Luck hadn’t been by his side ‘cause infection had set it pretty quickly, leaving him victim of fever and hazed dreams and fervid hallucination where he couldn’t really make a difference between what really had happened. He didn’t have many memories of that night, only broken images about a group of boys who just wanted to steal money and decided to leave him half dead when they realized that he didn’t have anything with him. It had been Nick telling him about the hours after, it had been Nick telling him about that spirit that had come to take Nick and bringing to Brian’s dying spot.

A small smile appeared on Brian’s face while, with his fingertips. He traced the lines of that arm that Nick had placed on his stomach. It wasn’t shocking or that hard to conceive that, even during his last moments, his first and last thoughts had been to protect and making sure that Nick wouldn’t end up hurt. That had always been what Brian had always done best, making sure that his most precious blessing was safe and sound and making sure that no one, not even himself, could harm him in any way. But... well, how that happened still left Brian breathless because it was something that one could only find in a book or a movie. Nick had been crazy trying to find a logic explanation, since when they were still in hospital and all Brian was able to do was nod to his suggestions before drifting off in a drug-induced and painless sleep.

“Let it go. You will never find a solution if you only use science.”

Nick’s side of the bed had became a branch of the desk, its bedcover hidden under books, website’s pages and the laptop, still turned on, was dangerously balanced on Nick’s knees.

“And how are you gonna explain it, then? Don’t you wanna know why and how it happened, Brian? Because it’s driving me crazy and I swear, I swear that I hadn’t made up anything about that night. I could see you. Like you were real, Brian. I could see you and touch you. Hell, I could even kiss you! And if it hadn’t been for your ghost, or whatever that thing was, I would had never been able to find you.. And save you before it was too late…” Nick’s voice became a soft whisper, broken by a tremble and that shadow that always appeared every time they came closer and closer about talking of that night. Nick still didn’t want to remember those frantic moments, especially because he had been almost too late. Brian’s heart had stopped on the ride to the hospital and it had been a touch and go for the next hours, when the doctors hadn’t been sure if he could survive the surgery. Brian made it through only because Nick had begged and pledged and prayed him to keep fighting. And sometimes he thought if, in some ways and some how, Brian blamed and resented him for that.

Brian reached out a hand and, without saying anything, his fingers closed every tabs opened on the laptop before turning it off; he then placed it on the side, still not totally confident to lean over and risking of hurting himself. And that wasn’t really an option, considering how still bad Nick felt about the whole situation and how he would always tried to overdo his attempt of helping and taking care. But Nick, in that moment, wasn’t even looking at him, for his eyes were still set focused on his fists, fighting those tears that wanted so badly to come out.

“That was the reason why I didn’t want you to see me like that. – Brian whispered lifting Nick’s chin with his fingertips. – The only explanation is that there isn’t a logic in what had happened. Love can’t be defined by cold laws, made up by formulas or measurement data. In that moment all I knew was that I wanted to protect you, I wanted to be sure that you would remember my last moments as I was telling you how much I loved you and how crazy, weird and amazing my life had been with you. That’s the only explanation for me. And it should be yours too.”

Nick wasn’t like Brian. Brian, his beautiful Brian, didn’t need much to believe and have whole and total faith in something that couldn’t be explained or seen. And that was one of the thousand, hundreds, endless reasons why he loved and looked up to him so much and why, in that moment, Nick couldn’t force anything, nor air or words, past the lump that had taken home inside his throat. So he let himself being driven and pushed by the only language he had always used without never wronged tone or intonation. He placed the palm of his hand on Brian’s cheek and then leaned until his lips found Brian’s in a kiss that just wanted that said “I love you, I love you so much that, most of the times, and I don’t know how to put it in words.”

In retrospect Brian knew that he would had make the same decision, though certain that it would had ended in the same way because he couldn’t even start thinking about not being by Nick’s side. Even during those painful days of recovery, when infection had set in and he had been victim of flames and fever, he never resented or blamed Nick for forcing him back to life.

But everything had changed. What happened had changed Nick in ways that were subtle and not really that visible. Bu they were there and they told about how he was still being hunted by the images of his almost dead body left in a pool of red blood. A lot of times, especially during the first days back at home, Brian had found Nick staring at him with an expression of almost terror, lips closed in a thin and hard line as his eyes closed on that scar, still there even if hidden under bandages and clothes. And, for the first time, Brian didn’t know how to fix it, how to make it better. Or how to erase that anxiety and panic that made Nick never leaving his side, always there asking if he was feeling any slight of pain or if he needed to eat or whatever else. And he had tried. Brian had tried not to snap, not to lie just so he couldn’t see the worry inside his lover’s eyes. And he had tried to push Nick out of the house for at least a couple of hours, an attempt to fix whatever was wrong with him

But he hadn’t known how much fear and anxiety had taken a hold of his soul too.

Because those ours of being alone weren’t a blessing, a sort of relief from Nick’s mothering that sometimes were too much, especially for someone that hadn’t been ever able to let someone else take care of him. Those hours turned into a nightmare because the silence inside the house reminded him about all those hours spent in the rain, screaming and waiting for a help that wouldn’t arrive in time. Before Brian had cherished those rare times of being alone and not around four people that, even though they were his best friends, sometimes were too loud and too much for him. People wouldn’t believe or think that he needed and craved for that blessed loneliness, when he could just not think and just relax.

Not anymore.

Now Brian craved the opposite. Now Brian craved sounds and rumors; voices and company. Lights, cause darkness brought him back to when he almost gave up and left him with another panic attack that didn’t erase Nick’s anxiety.

How could they get past what had happened?

And yet, even if he almost didn’t understand how, they were slowly leaving that limbo between nightmare and normality. And yet their love had seemed to come out stronger than before, turning into the cornerstone upon building their new dynamic and relationship. What good had been sacrificing himself and his life if then they would always had to hide themselves in fear of what the world could or couldn’t say? So Brian stopped hiding, stopped trying to protect something when they didn’t do anything wrong- So now Brian was so damn proud and wanted the world to see his fingers intertwined around Nick’s hand.

Pushing away those thoughts, Brian leaned over and brushed his nose against Nick’s. It took only a moment before Nick’s eyes fluttered and opened, their blue still painted with shades of sleep.

“Isn’t too early for being already awake? – Nick asked, his voice still recovering from not being used during the night. – You’re supposed to rest.”

“It’s almost 10 am.”

“Exactly my point. Too early. Come back sleeping.”

A kiss landed upon Nick’s lips, a smile immediately appearing after that butterfly touch. “Do you want to take me out for breakfast?”

Nick’s fingers started to climb upon Brian’s arm, caressing the muscle underneath with a slight veil of malice. “I have another idea. It does involve eating. Sort of. More or less.”

A laughter stole away that mischievous smile. “You do know that I still can’t put much stress and strain over the wound.”

“Oh but you don’t have to do much. Actually, almost nothing. Just lie down.”

“Now, now… where is the fun in that?”

Nick rested his forehead against Brian’s, starting to leave fleeing kisses all over the line of the jaw. “I really really like you when you think like that.”

A naughty light brightened up Brian’s eyes, along with that smile that curved the corners of the lips at the exact time Nick’s found his mouth. But, with a move that took Nick by surprise, Brian rolled both of them until he could cover Nick’s body with his own.

“But you adore me when I shock you, right?”

“Oh… - Nick whispered with a raspy voice, any trace of sleep having disappeared and substituted with pleasure. – Definitely. I really love you when you do that.”

From the arm his fingers slid up to the shoulders and then they started to trace the line created by the spine, pleased by those trembles that their passage left behind them. It was all so natural, it seemed like taking up your favorite book and being able to recognize every single line and each paragraph. Brian’s skin was Nick’s personal blackboard, a never ending blank page where he could draw any picture and write every words that no one, not even Brian, but him could read and understand.

Love.

I miss you all the time.

I just wanna protect you from the world.

You’re my world,

The only family I have.

I can’t lose you.

His writing came to an abruptly end when the tip of his index brushed against the corner of the bandage that, although was now much smaller than the week before, still hid the scar. He wanted it not to ever exist, he wanted to act as if he didn’t even caressed but he couldn’t escape when Brian’s hand leaned upon his, blocking every chance to run away and keep tracing that skin still unmarked. The moment of sweet and dedicated touches had been already ruined, for images of that night rapidly came alive inside Nick’s mind.

“Don’t. – Whispered Brian softly in an ear, knowing exactly where Nick’s mind had gone. – Don’t ignore it. Please.” It didn’t take to be a genius or to have the ability of mind reading to understand why there was now a grey cloud in Nick’s eyes instead of that light of lust and love.

“Do I have the time to take a shower?” Nick asked, slowly slipping away from Brian and sitting on the corner of the bed.

“Nick.” Brian scolded gently. All of their problems were created because they didn’t talk, they let big and small things slide under the surface because it had been easier making it seem as if nothing had been wrong.

“It’s gonna take time, Bri. – Nick said, letting out a breath as he turned around and leaned so that he could leave a small and quick kiss on Brian’s temple. – The last time I had my hand on that spot it was because I was trying to stop the blood. It’s gonna take time before I can caress and touch it without feeling and seeing that red river.”

At those words Brian knew that there wasn’t anything he could say. Not at least using his voice or words that, for all that they could be strong and deep, couldn’t really offer a comfort and a support because Brian hadn’t lived those moments. And he didn’t quite know how Nick had felt. But he did know that it happened and minimize it would had been even worse that making it seem like it didn’t even happened. Like there wasn’t an ugly scar that reminded every day that night. So Brian just reached out his hand and ruffled Nick’s blonde hair.

“No more than fifteen minutes. Or we will be late and they will be out of pancakes.”

“And we can’t let it happen. – Nick smiled, thanking silently Brian for not putting his fears down as if they didn’t matter. – But we’re driving there.”

“But it’s such a beautiful day!”

“No. – Nick objected, his index raised up to underline the firmness of his tone. – Hell no. Last time we did your own way, I almost had to bring you back to the hospital. No way I’m gonna take that risk once again.”

“It was last week.”

“So?”

“I’m feeling better. I’m better. And stronger. Even the doctor said so.”

“No.”

“Please?” Brian putted up his best angelic expression, that one he knew Nick couldn’t and wasn’t able to resist no matter how much he tried.

“No. – Nick replied, picketing his fingertips on Brian’s nose. – You’re stronger, yes. You’re better. But not completely. And you will never recover if you don’t take things slowly. I know it sucks.”

A smart joke was already growing on his lips but Brian chose to stay silent. Before it would have been easy telling Nick that he didn’t need to be looked after but that was all in the past.

“There’s a way to settle this down.”

“How?”

“We are driving, as you wish, but we’re gonna park a little before the coffee shop. So I still get to walk but I won’t be tired.”

Nick snorted, though a smile was still lightening up his eyes. “I won’t ever convince you otherwise, will I?”

Brian only smiled while shaking his head. A half laugh escaped his lips and Nick brought that echo with him while getting up and going to the bathroom. That laugh was the tangible sign that the worst had been finally put behind their backs.







* * * * * * * * *









"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Really sure? Like hundred percent sure?"

"Yes, I am. Infinite times sure."

"We don't have to do it now. I mean... If you're tired..."

"I'm not tired."

"But you would tell me if you're hurting, right? I really don't want to repeat that experience and..." Nick hadn't a chance to finish his thought for Brian got on his tiptoes and left a peak of lips upon the corner of his mouth.

"I'm not hurting. I'm feeling good. Stop worrying."

"But you would tell me, right?"

"Yes. Dad."

A small smile managed to appear on Nick's face, loosening that tightness around his eyes. "I'm just... I wanna be sure that you're okay with this." His eyes kept watching Brian's face, searching for any clues, even the smallest one, that would tell him about troubles at the horizon. Or, worse, about a panic attack ready to explode.

Brian took a deep breathe, closing his eyes and tyring to erase those images full of greys and storms, building barriers against the still lingering sensation of rain hitting his skin and how the pain had forcily made its way to take the centre of the stage of that tragedy. So, at that question, he only nodded and held tightly Nick's hand, using it as a leverage to focus and concentrate on where his body really was, not longer prisoner of that cold and ice nightmare: sun was shining warmly upon his face, birds were chirping and singing among the joyful screaming of children playing or running.

He didn't want to live in fear or on the verge of a panic attack every time he thought or look over the park. That was the whole point of going there. Although he was starting to feel tired - and he wasn't really going to mention it to Nick - Brian didn't want to let fear take control over his life, making it swirl and risking ruining the best thing he ever had in his life. In a way, Nick had been right when he first accused him of being ashamed. He just didn't hit the right reason why he was feeling that way. Even at that time, fear was the only one monster he was trying to run away from: fear of something, someone, ruining that love that wasn't sick, weird or abnormal. But it wasn't right to hide, it wasn't right not to live his life the way he wanted only because a small group of people, with their strict mentality and with an ego way too bigger, couldn't bear the thought of them living their life at the light of the sun and just wanted to act as if they didn't exist.

In a hard way, life had taught him that it was too short to live in fear.

Silently the couple started walking slowly on those paths that, just like natural and small snakes, ran around the gardens and split into different and smaller directions. Then they reached their destination, stopping in front of that abandoned basketball field that was still waiting for someone to come and give it life once again. Although, under the bright and warm light of the sun it didn't seem or appear that scary or terrifying as it had been that night of weeks and weeks previous. There they stood, still at first without speaking any words until Nick wrapped and circled Brian's waist with his arms, Brian's back leaning against his chest. Safe in that hug, Brian could find the strength to face and fight the images and the memories of that night.

"It's strange, you know? I don't remember exactly what happened that night. Sometimes I get these images but it always seems like it didn't really happen to me, it more seems like a scene from a movie where you try to empathize with the character and, for just one briefly second, you can capture what he's being feeling."

"What do you remember?" Nick asked, caressing Brian's neck with his lips.

Brian stayed silent for a minute or two, unsure if he should really tell Nick about what has been wearing out his mind. That was the main reason why he had been so adamant to come in that park, to face his fears and finally starting all over again but those thoughts were dark, much darker than anything he had faced before and he didn't know how Nick would react knowing how close he had been to give up and letting himself go.

"I remember the feelings. I remember wanting so badly that everything would end as soon as possible. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to feel that ice cold inside my veins. But, at the same time, I knew that I couldn't give up. I knew that I had to hold on until I had been sure that you knew the truth. That you were absolutely sure that I had loved you more than anyone in this world."

"I've always known, Brian. A part of me had always known, though I didn't want to accept it 'cause I felt like I didn't deserve you."

Brian slowly turned around to face Nick, albeit still staying wrapped inside his arms. Nick didn't let go, he just adjusted his grip around Brian's waist.

"That's why you felt like I was ashamed of us?"

"Yes. - Nick replied, lowering his face so that he could hide in that special spot of skin between neck and shoulder. - It was easier taking it upon you instead than facing my fears. And I still feel guilty."

"It's not your fault. Nick. - Brian reassured him, his words caressing his soul just like his fingers touched his hands. - It was only a series of unfortunate circumstances."

"I know. I know. But I can't help feeling like I should have been there with you. I can't... I can't bear the thought of you being all alone for all those hours. If I had followed you..."

"No more ifs or buts. In a way you were there with me. Even if it was strange and still without an explanation, we were together."

Nick's reply came in the form of a brush of lips against the skin of the neck, his voice drowned by a lump that had found its nest inside his throat. He felt stupid acting his usual overdramatic way, as if he didn't have any right to complain and request comfort when he hadn't been the victim in that situation. Brian was the one that almost lost his life. Brian was the one that still couldn't find a reason and a sense behind what had happened to him. The roles should have been reversed and, yet, here was Brian comforting him.

But, maybe, there was a faint veil of truth in that moment: both of them were searching a sort of closure in that place because both of them had demons and monsters born after that terrible night. And there, with Brian's hand drawing circles and lines on his back, Nick realized that it wasn't only for Brian's sake that they were there. In a way, in that peculiar and particular way that he still couldn't understand, Brian knew that he wasn't the only that had something to face and defeat. And, doing so together, it wouldn't and couldn't seem so terrifying. How could it be when they knew that they would always have a shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold onto when nothing seemed to have any resemblances of normalcy? How could it be so scaring when they did had the proof that they only needed to listen to the other's voice to find their road once again and be together again, meet and start walking over their future?

"You know... we should get married."

Brian's whisper echoed with each beat and beat, fingertips and fingertips, breath and breath. For a brief second, a frail instant that dissolved itself in a blink of an eye, Nick found himself with the need and the want to object at that proposal. It was a mere instinct, a primordial thought born through all those years when he had been so convinced not to be never enough for someone to decide to spend his entire life with him; all those years where he had been led to believe that marriage wasn't that great accomplishment after having witnessed his parents hating and hating each other in the name of love; all those years where he had watched his friends finding love and felt a slight pang of jealousy and envy at the sight, as if it was something that would never happen to him. And then Brian came into his life, turning and changing every little opinion and belief he had about love just like a warm and soft wind breathed out the winter and brought the summer in full force. Nick had long stopped not believing in love because Brian taught him what it really was; Nick had long stopped dreading commitment and, instead, started to really and truly believe in that happily ever after. All thanks and because of Brian.

"It's a practical decision at the end. - Brian kept talking, conscious of that warmth that was coloring and Redding Nick's cheeks. Although, for the first time since forever, he didn't know how to decipher it, he couldn't tell if that red meant something positive or if it was a moment of embarrassment realizing that he couldn't get out of that situation without shame. But he kept talking. Rambling. Bubbling. - We already live together. We share everything. And, if something bad should ever happen again, I want you by my side at the hospital. It should be already unspoken, right? I do love my parents and I know they would try to do what's best for me but they don't know me as you do. They don't live everyday with me, they don't know things and... I want you to take certain decisions and I hope you feel the same way about me. I know it's a great responsibility but it's the way things should be, right? So, yes, I think we should get married."

"Yes." Nick answered, underling that only word with a soft kiss on Brian's neck. There wasn't any doubt or uncertainty in his voice because that could and would always be his answer. So simple and, yet, so powerful. Nick said that only one word with the biggest and warmest smile on his lips, being fully aware that Brian was still so buried and concentrated on his speech to even be able to catch it. So Nick had only to put his fingertips under his chin and lift Brian's face up, letting out a breath of laughter when Brian lowered his gaze and started to play aimlessly with the hem of his shirt.

"Of course it's not only a matter of being practical. Otherwise I would ruin all the romance and the beauty of this decision. I want to share my life without you and I want everyone to know. I want that, whoever notices or see us, would know that you're the person that I love and that makes me a happy and better person. I don't even care or desire a big ceremony, just the people we love."

Only when he had finished speaking Brian dared to gaze up and look inside Nick's eyes, letting his love for him be the last stone of truth in the midst of words and promises. And in that look, inside that look full of love that Nick had on his face, Brian found tears that had nothing to do with those sad and full of anguish that he hadn't been able to brush away weeks before.

"Yes. - Nick replied, taking Brian's face in his hands and kissing him deeply and with every inch of passion he was feeling. - I do agree. We really should get married."