Prologue

The water reached out to lick his toes, and AJ felt a strange sensation explode in his legs. Every nerve came alive when the freezing water lapped against his feet, then his ankles. The water was cold, yes, yet strangely relaxing. No wonder Nick loved the ocean so.

He felt a pang of guilt envelope his heart, giving him more resolve to walk forward, into the beckoning waves. Thinking of his bandmates made his pulse rise and his jaw clench. He just wanted this to be over. He wanted the pain to leave his body with the last of his air.

The water had reached his knees. He was walking the width of a sandbar, about 30 feet out and twelve inches deep. Nature was testing his will, taunting him. You can’t actually succeed at this, AJ. You’ll fail like you fail at everything else. You think you can successfully commit suicide? Get real.

***
Brian threw the pillow back against the couch, angry. Where was that necklace? He continued to destroy his cabin, looking for the cross that Leighanne had given him before the tour. Closing an open dresser drawer, he sighed. It was probably long gone by now.

***
AJ looked down at the necklace wound tightly around his hand. It was the inscription on the back that made it impossible for him to let it go:
God is always present.
He will hold you in his hand.
-L
He had picked it up on the beach on the way out, knowing perfectly well to whom it belonged.

The water gently kissed his thighs. He was getting closer.

Chapter 1
Earlier

The five men shifted around the recording studio that had been set up for them on the island. Brian and Howie were leaning over the soundboard, talking quietly. Kevin was by the window, nodding in time with the music filling the room. Nick sat on a couch, strumming the same three chords on guitar, humming the same phrase over and over.

“Will you cut it out already?” AJ snapped, spinning on the blonde.

AJ was jittery. His eyes itched and his fingers were incessantly rubbing his shirt. The headache boring a hole in his skull felt like a power drill on high. He hadn’t had a drink in... too fucking long. Fucking Kevin, clearing the island. It was always fucking Kevin-

“I don’t see you offering anything to the table.” Nick retorted.

“Cuz this is bullshit. Who are we kidding, anyway? This is a waste of time. We’ve been here a week and have three lousy songs and 3 measures of Nick’s endless repeat. Fucking ridiculous.” He stood up.

“Hey!” Howie called, spinning from his spot by the mixer. AJ felt a small stab of guilt. Howie had written most of the lyrics for those three lousy songs. But really. They were pretty lousy. He was just stating the facts.

“If it’s so ridiculous, why don’t you quit?”

The question caught AJ by surprise. It seemed to catch the others by surprise too. They all turned toward the window. Nick even stopped playing his fucking song. There had always been an unwritten Backstreet Rule: No calling quitsies. Not unless you meant it. Not unless it was serious.

“What?”

“I said,” Kevin turned slowly into the room, his eyes icy. “If it’s all so ridiculous and lousy, why don’t you get the fuck out? We’ll get more accomplished without your negative attitude and bullshit.”

“You can’t fire me. You’re not our manager.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly performing at expected standards, are you, AJ?”

The two men stared at each other. The tension in the room was high. Hell, it had been high all week. All year. Probably longer than that.

“Fuck you, Kevin.” AJ snarled. His eyes slowly landed on each member of the group. As no one spoke, he felt his resentment grow. “Fuck you, Nick.” The young man lowered his eyes toward his guitar. AJ turned toward the soundboard. Howie’s face showed concern, but the air remained silent and strained. “Fuck you, Howie.” As his gaze slid toward Brian, he felt the malice snake through his veins. “And you.” He pointed at Brian. He hoped no one could see his hand shaking. “Fuck you. Fuck you, Brian.”

He turned and began to walk out. He kept his head up, shoulders back. Yet with each step, he hoped for just one word from any of them. Anything. Some sign that all was not lost.

But they let him leave.

***
AJ sat in his cabin, staring at the empty bottle in front of him. He didn’t know what disgusted him more: that he had broke into Nick’s cabin and stolen the bottle of Jim Beam, or the fact that he had successfully polished the entire thing. The guys were right, he was a fuck-up.

Maybe he could change. They had kicked him out of the studio earlier that day - fuck, who was he kidding? They practically kicked him out of the fucking band. No. Kevin kicked him out of the band. But maybe if he went back, he could change their minds. Maybe he could convince them he wasn’t a shit-head and a fuck-up and terrible friend. Admit that he had a problem. Ask for help.

Maybe he could change.

He stood, swaying a little as his body adjusted to the gravitational pull of vertical motion. He headed out of the cabin, taking the shortcut through the small wooded grove in the middle of the island. They would accept him back. They would help him change. They would forgive him. Brian would forgive him. Brian always forgave him.

He stopped when he reached the edge of the woods on the other side. Kevin was standing at the ocean, his back to the woods, his cell pressed to his ear. AJ could hear every word the older man spoke into his phone.

“-grounds for breaking the contract would be, ‘Failure to Perform at Expected Standards.’ That is legitimate?” A pause. “How much would we lose in the lawsuit?” Kevin let out a low whistle, running his hands through his hair. “But you are certain we could win?” Another pause, this one fairly lengthy. “No, it’s not official yet. But put the pieces in motion. It will be soon enough.” Kevin hung up the phone, looking out toward the ocean.

AJ turned away silently. Who was he kidding? They didn’t care about him. He had failed them all.

***
Brian knocked on the door of his cousin’s cabin, positioned about 300 feet away from his own. When the tall, dark man opened the door, it was impossible to miss the large bags under his eyes. This had effected him as well. A small twinge played at Brian’s heart. A sympathetic smile brushed his face, and Kevin studied him, carefully.

“You and D kept going in the studio.”

It was a statement, not a question. Brian didn’t respond.

“Anything good?”

Brian shrugged, unsure of what to say. He knew how Kevin felt. He opted for a simple answer. As vague as possible.

“We got some stuff down. It’s missing some parts.”

Kevin snorted a little. “Give it up, Rok. Just give it up.”

Brian felt his temper flare. They’d had this argument a hundred times by now. Why had he even bothered to come to Kev’s door again? He took a deep breath and held up his hands. “I’m not here to argue. Just wondering what your plan was for the night.”

“Nick and I might hit the beach bar on the other side of the island. You want in?”

It made Brian nauseous that they were so willing to go out, given the circumstances, but again he held his tongue. “Nah. Just thought I’d check.”

Kevin watched his cousin carefully. “Brian, we can’t stop living just because of the choices he is making. If you need it, I can spot you some ca-”

“Stop it.” Brian snapped. “Just fucking stop it.”

He walked away from the cabin as quickly as he could. He could feel the molten lava of anger that was forever bubbling right below the surface slowly seeping upwards. He closed his eyes again, remembering his wife’s words before he left.

“What is important to you, love? The band? The money, your friend, yourself? Where is God in your heart right now? You need to figure out who you are. We can do without the money. We will adjust. Figure out who you are, and we will work from there.”

He looked at her, pain in his eyes. “What do you want, Leigh?”

“I want my husband back.”

“With or without the Backstreet Boys?”

Leigh was silent for a minute. “You need to figure out who you are,” she repeated.

Chapter 2
AJ continued slowly through the water. Now, waist deep, his hands hidden just below the surface, if he opened his fist, Brian’s necklace would glint with dying sunlight. Oh, the irony. He imagined, somewhere within him, that if he held God’s symbol when he died, that maybe He would take pity on a damned soul. He knew his chances were slim, but he had nothing else to hope for. He felt the sand give out beneath him, and he was submerged into the frozen water, his hands grasping at nothing. The necklace, wrapped tight in his fist, sparkled as he moved. He watched it, aware of how calm he felt. It was as if everything was moving in slow motion. Letting the air leave his lungs, he closed his eyes, welcoming the salt water into his body.

***
Brian felt the sand cooling off beneath his toes as the darkness overtook the skies. He had given up on his necklace, if it was lost now, he would never find it. Leigh had hoped the necklace would help Brian find his center. Now, it was just one more lost opportunity. He allowed this new sorrow to swim in his heart with the others, realizing this trip might be the last time he would see these men, this life, this pain. He stopped walking, turning to watch the last few lights of the sun and ocean that seemed to race out to catch the rays. As he brought his gaze back towards shore, he noticed a piece of driftwood, fairly nice-sized, floating about 175 feet out. With a sickening thud in his stomach, he realized it wasn’t driftwood at all, but a human body. For the first time in a long time, he prayed to God. He knew that body, damnnit, and that man better not be dead. Not now, not like this. As the last ray from the sun seemed to reach out and stroke the floating body, Brian ran straight out into the water.

He sucked in his breath when the first shock of the cold hit him, but he quickly regrouped, and as fast as he could work against the waves and knee deep water, he headed farther in. As soon as the water reached his waist, he dove face first in, and began swimming towards the now very visible body.

He reached the body, which was laying face down, and quickly turned it over. His worst fears were confirmed when he saw AJ’s face staring up at him, the eyes closed as if in a peaceful sleep, the lips tinted blue. Brian didn’t waste any time, and grabbed the back of Alex’s shirt so that his head was out of the water. Swimming quickly, he began to drag AJ back to shore. He couldn’t explain why, after all the pain this one man had caused, yet he felt compelled to continue. Maybe it was for old-times sake... but maybe it was just because AJ was human. This thought caused shame to rise in Brian’s throat, but he pushed harder against the water, determined to prove himself wrong and get AJ to shore.

Slowly, and with an agony inside him that Brian barely recognized, the water began to get shallow as the shore came closer. When Brian reached the sand, he dragged AJ’s body high enough until his shoulders were on packed sand. He fell to his knees next to the unresponsive form of his friend. Wiping the younger man’s face free of sand, he began to weep.

“Please, Alex,” He prayed, watching for movement. He placed two fingers against Alex’s neck, but the flesh was so cold he couldn’t find any pulse. Desperate, he placed the side of his tear-streaked face against AJ’s small chest. He almost yelled out when he heard a heart beat. He should’ve known. Whether AJ liked it or not, he was always a fighter. He looked up, scanning the beach for help. Suddenly the idea of a private island was horrifying.

He looked down at the body of a man he had loved, fought, embarrassed, and destroyed. If he wanted Alex to live, he was going to have to save him.

“You bastard,” Brian said, his voice cracking as another teardrop escaped. He straddled AJ, intent to give him CPR, although he had no training. He tried to recall the posters from hospitals and doctors offices, but knew he was mostly relying on what he had seen on TV. When his lips pressed against AJ’s, he closed his eyes, focusing on letting air reach AJ’s lungs. After a couple of breaths, he sat up, looking for a change in the empty shell beneath him.

None came.

Chapter 3
AJ felt as if something very heavy was pressing against him, and he was dimly aware of a bubbling sensation working down his throat. He felt the same sensation attack his filled lungs, and he panicked. Something was pulling him back. He didn’t want to go back.

It was as if all of his senses were slowly waking up. His eyelids were heavy, and he was terribly cold. The ground was soft beneath him, and the waves were gently licking his legs. With a shock, he felt his ribcage jump as his lungs began inflating. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach.

With a sudden thrust, he threw his body onto its left side, emptying the salt water and bile from his stomach on to the cool sand. Giving his stomach a few more dry heaves, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

He heard a soft sniffle behind him, and suddenly the earth came slamming down around him. He was cold. Hungry. Wet. He had successfully went into the ocean in front of him with the intent of ending his life. Yet here he was...

Alex slowly turned his body, ignoring the protests from his lungs and stomach. His eyes met Brian’s shining blue ones and immediately he turned away. Of all the fucking people....

“Why?” The southern voice was soft, prodding.

“Why the hell do you think?” AJ spat, defensive. This was not the time or place for Brian. He turned his gaze back toward the ocean, longing for the gentle waves that had held him close not so long ago.

Brian watched as AJ turned to follow the waves. Through AJ’s wet shirt, Brian could see the prominent ribcage of the younger man. “You haven’t been eating.”

“No shit.”

Brian sighed and looked away. How had they gotten to this point? He felt like he was at a dead end. How had he not seen the signs?

“Alex.” His voice was soft, but he still saw AJ twitch at the name. It had been a long time since they had called him that. His voice caught as he took a deep breath. “Alex, had I known... why couldn’t... I didn’t know you felt...” He trailed off.

“I don’t feel.” AJ’s voice was flat. “I dug myself a hole so deep that water was falling in. The only way out was to drown in it.”

“Not true!” Brian’s voice rose, cracking. “We were always here, Alex! All we wanted was to make you see. There were nights... nights, Alex, when I’d try to talk to you, and maybe we’d get somewhere. But then, the next morning, you would drink it all away. All that I had hoped for... God, the nights I’d go to bed with hope and excitement, thinking, ‘Things are finally coming back together.’ I wanted nothing but to help you. And still...” His voice faltered. “Still, after all that has happened, I need you in my life. Alive.”

“Do you? That wasn’t what you all said this morning. In fact, none of you said a fucking thing.” Brian opened his mouth to argue, but AJ held up his hand to mute him. “Or do you just want to play hero?” He saw the wounded look cross over Brian’s features, but instead of feeling power for humiliating his bandmate, he felt ashamed. His blood surged, aching for a drink. He spun away from Brian, puking again in the sand.

AJ felt feelings flood him that he hadn’t felt in months. Love. For his brother, sitting here with him now. Understanding, embarrassment, shame. Feelings that hadn’t entered his mind since-- his stomach lurched, and he regurgitated again.

Since he had been sober.

He knew Brian was watching, and was even more ashamed. He had stabbed Brian in the back time and time again, and the only revenge he got was an open hand held out to pick him up and dust him off. He had pretended to want help when he knew his back account was empty and he needed dough. He ran to Brain, promising to get help, crying that he had nothing left, knowing Brian would give him access to his account. And slowly, he began sucking Brian dry.

When Brian found out, he was furious. An intervention was called, and the trip to the island was taken. The plan was to corner AJ - he knew that - and to let loose the demons that his four bandmates had bottled up for ten months. And, hopefully, to take steps forward. They had attacked him. At first he retaliated, but found it easier to take it all in and internalize their anger. He knew he wasn’t an alcoholic. Who were they kidding?

But now... His head was spinning. It was true. He was everything they said. An alcoholic. A liar. A thief. He could feel Brian behind him, bruised and broken, but still wanting to help. Waiting for answers. AJ felt physically sick, but the poison inside of him wouldn’t be rid with any more puking. He could never look into the eyes of this man again. This man who loved him, who he had betrayed...

Chapter 4
AJ screamed. He was drowning, and the fluid filling his lungs was worse that the saltwater could ever be. There was no escape. He couldn’t breathe...

Brian panicked. AJ had been silent since he accused Brian of playing hero, yet it seemed that ten thousand different demons had just suffocated Alex at once. Doing the only thing he knew how, he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around his friend’s tiny frame.

He felt AJ’s body shaking violently. He pulled himself right next to Alex, his knees pressed awkwardly into AJ’s thigh as he tried to bring them closer together.

“No,” AJ gulped, trying to pull away. “Don’t touch me.”

Brian ignored him. He held on tight - AJ’s weak struggling was practically a joke. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what. I love you! You are my brother. All the shit that’s gone down - the money, the lies - they don’t matter. We can sort that out. I want to help you, but you have to be willing to really do it. I’m not going to be a sucker again, understand?” AJ’s shaking continued as he gasped for air. The sorrow he had been drowning in seemed to slowly be draining, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling like a complete failure.

“Brian,” he whispered through gasps. “The only reason you think you feel this way is because you saw me out there. The others.... they won’t be so forgiving. You shouldn’t be so forgiving.” As much as he wouldn’t admit it, he relished the feeling of Brian’s body holding him tight. “Even if you say that...” He stopped, his whole body convulsing. “...that you don’t care what I did to you... Brian, I still did it- and somewhere inside you still feel that anger. What I did to you-”

“Can be fixed.” Brian interrupted. “All I want is for you to get better.”

AJ stopped shaking. Could this be true? “Please, Brian. Please help me.” For the first time, he turned to look at his friend. The chocolate eyes were dull and hopeless. “Please.”

Brian felt his heart catch. AJ looked so lost. “I don’t want to be fooled again, Alex.” Brian said, his jaw clenching as he refusing to look away. Too many times he had allowed AJ to make his heart soar, only to be disappointed by the young man later. “But if you mean this, I can do nothing but comply.”

It seemed as if a great, heavy fist had suddenly released its grip on AJ’s heart. He felt relieved. He sucked in a large breath, nodding. “Yes. Help me.” Brian may not have any reason to know otherwise, but AJ knew he wasn’t pulling a fast one. Suddenly, he remembered the cross that had been trapped tightly in his hand. Shame crept across his face.

Brian noticed the change in AJ’s expression and pulled away. His eyes clouded with distrust. Fear and disappointment pushed through him, but he forced the words out. “What is it?”

“I have... well... this is yours.” He held the necklace out, ignoring the blood around the edges of the cross and matching cuts in his palm.

Brian had to admit, that was not what he was expecting. He watched the gold glisten off the moonlight, noticed the blood in AJ’s hand and the deep gashes in his skin. “You stole it.” The words were out before he could stop them.

“I found it.”

“Why did you keep it?”

“To believe that God would be there.”

Brian’s whole world stopped spinning. He heard Leighanne’s words again. “Where is God in your heart right now?” He thought about his prayer to his Father as he swam out toward AJ. Prayers to a God who he had ignored for many, many months.

He turned the cross over, reading the inscription even though it was forever ingrained in his memory.
God is always present.
He will hold you in his hand.
-L

“He is here, Alex.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You’re right. But, I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Are you calling yourself God?”

“Pretty damn close.” AJ couldn’t help but laugh. Brian felt himself balloon with happiness. He made AJ laugh, and Jesus, it sounded like ten thousand angels.

It ended as quickly as it started. AJ’s face clouded, and he pushed the necklace toward Brian. Brian shook his head. “Keep it, J. As long as you need it, it’s yours. Just get it back to me someday.” As AJ started to pull his hand away, Brian grabbed his wrist, his eyes on AJ’s face. He opened AJ’s palm, reaching out to touch the wounds in his palm. He watched AJ flinch, but he didn’t pull away.

They were interrupted by a cold throat clearing behind them. Surprised, AJ jumped. He turned his back on the voice, knowing exactly who it was. All the regret and shame he had been slowly releasing flooded his soul again.

Brian turned boldly to meet Howie’s gaze. The Latino’s face was clouded with distaste and disgust. “What does he want now?” He spat. “Whatever it is, Brian, I’ll be damned if I stand by and watch you get suckered by him again.” His words caused Brian to turn and look at AJ, and Howie could see the warmth in the Kentuckian’s eyes for the fuck-up. “Damnit, Brian,” he hissed. “You’re a fool.”

AJ waiting, expecting an agreement from Brian. He was surprised when Brian stood, his hand grazing AJ’s shoulder in a protective manner. He walked straight to Howie and twisted the older man away from AJ.

“Howie. Shut the fuck up.”

The Latino raised an eyebrow. “That’s new language for you, Bri. He teach you that?”

“I’ve worked too God-damned hard for you to screw this up now.”

“What are you talking about?” He looked at Brian as if he’d grown a second head. Then he blinked. “Why are you wet?”

“Use your reasoning skills. You’re a smart man.” Howie looked past Brian at AJ, who was also wet.

“He’s asking for help.”

“Oh bullshit! This again?” Howie’s voice rose. “How many times is too many, Rok? When will you get that he’s fucking with you, milking you for all he can get?” He couldn’t help but smirk as he saw AJ twitch. “I pity you, Brian.”

“Howard.” Brian’s voice was low and authoritative. “Fuck. Off.”

With a spin, Howie turned to leave, but not before he saw Brian quickly striding back to AJ so that he was in front of the small man on the sand. Howie began to walk away, but stopped short when he heard AJ’s words.

“He’s right, Bri. Go already. Don’t waste your time. You know I can’t promise anything. It’s useless - I’m just gunna fuck it up again like he said.”

As AJ spoke, Howie slowly turned so he was watching the two men on the edge of the ocean. And it was as if he suddenly saw AJ in a different light. Instead of the self-centered asshole alcoholic, he saw the skinny, hopeless shell of a man barely holding on.

Brian didn’t answer at first. He had seen Howie turn, and was hoping Howie would say something. Instead, the Latino turned on his heel and continued away from the two men. Brian lowered his head, leaning in to hold AJ.

“No, Alex. No.”

Chapter 5
Nick sat by the ocean, the empty beach to his left and the four other lodges directly to his right. He had turned down Kevin’s invite to the other side of the island. He just wasn’t feeling up to it. He wasn’t feeling up to anything, really. He growled in frustration. Even the ocean, which had always been so good at calming him, didn’t seem to be able to squelch his anger.

He stood, heading back toward his cabin. He blinked, surprised to see Howie walk straight into Nick’s own cabin. Jogging, he reached his door and entered himself. “D?”

Howie came out from the bedroom, holding the blankets from Nick’s bed.

“What the hell are you doing, D?”

“I need to borrow these. You’ll get them back.”

“What? For what? Dude if you jizzed your own blankets, don’t just steal mine-”

Howie didn’t answer. Instead, he walked past Nick and back out the door. Puzzled, Nick followed. When Howie didn’t initiate conversation, Nick fell into step beside him. Something told him to remain quiet, which was weird. Definitely not a trait he was used to. It made him wonder if he should learn to trust his instinct more often...

After about five minutes along the shore away from the cabins, Howie stopped. Nick, who was lost in his own thoughts, almost walked straight into him. Stumbling, he looked down at the older man, waiting. He was just about to crack a joke about an awkward spot for a picnic when Howie met his gaze, a pained expression painted across his eyes. Nick closed his mouth.

“Nick... I don’t know how comfortable you are going to be...” He trailed off, and took a deep breath before starting over. “Alex tried to kill himself.” He watched Nick’s face for a reaction, but there wasn’t one. “I know. I felt the same at first. But now... Nick, this is different. I can’t even hide that. Brian’s there right now-” He held out his hands, palms up, as Nick’s brow furrowed. Howie continued, “-and he swam out to get AJ, I think. If you’re not going to be helpful, go back now. Brian is extremely protective at this moment and Bone is pretty fragile.”

The tension in the air was thick. After a moment, Nick ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Howie waited. Eventually, Nick nodded. Although he wasn’t 100% certain he was going to be helpful, after an introduction like that, there was no way he was going to not be involved. Again, he felt that little instinct voice in his body nudging him in the direction of the open beach, and again he chose to follow. Howie fell into step with him.

After a few more minutes, he noticed the two figures crouched in the darkness on the beach, much like he had just been barely fifteen minutes ago. The scene was surprisingly beautiful. Had he not known the seriousness of the situation, he would have stopped to sketch the scene: the starry sky and the moon casting a glow off the sand and water, the silhouette of the men ahead of him sharp and perfect.

Blinking twice, he took another step forward. Howie followed inches behind him, carrying the blankets. Spinning, he quickly lifted one of the blankets from the short man’s arms into his own. Yet as they neared the two men, he slowed. His heart began to pound, realizing he had nothing to say to AJ. After months of silent avoidance and feelings of nothing but hatred toward the man, it felt almost impossible to want to help. Yet somehow, he could feel this shift happening inside of him. Howie passed him, quickening the pace. After a few more steps, Howie cleared his throat.

The déjà vu was uncanny. Brian spun to look up at Howie, surprised he had returned. But what caught him off guard more than the Latino’s return was the sight of Nick standing beside him. He couldn’t stop the small choking sound that escaped his throat, which caused AJ to turn quickly, afraid. When AJ’s gaze hit Nick and Howie, he quickly looked away in shame.

Howie directed his next sentence straight at AJ. “Look at me, Bone.” AJ shook his head slightly. He couldn’t. He couldn’t face it, couldn’t face them. “LOOK AT ME!” Howie’s yell caused them all to jump. The crack in his voice was undeniable. Blinking rapidly, AJ complied. Howie had always been able to read AJ like a book. He could peg AJ’s plans and intentions sometimes before AJ himself knew what they were. As AJ brought his eyes to meet Howie’s, Howie could see all of AJ’s fears floating right at the surface.

He stepped forward, never once dropping AJ’s gaze. He draped the blanket he was holding around AJ’s shoulders before holding out his empty hand.

Brian and Nick watched as AJ slowly reached out to hold Howie’s hand. He was pulled up with ease, his small frame unable to resist against Howie’s strength. Brian stood and took the second blanket that Nick offered. Their eyes met briefly. Nick nodded at the shorter blonde, acknowledging the bizarre situation they had found themselves in.

The group of men slowly began to walk; Nick on the water’s edge, with Alex beside him. The entire group remained silent as they walked. As they moved on, AJ could hear Nick’s quiet sniffles from beside him, but he didn’t dare look over. The blanket gave his body the warmth it coveted, but his heart still lay cold and broken within him.

AJ felt his pulse begin to race. Now what? Were they all going to sit him down, make him relive everything? All he wanted was to open his eyes and have this whole thing be done. He wanted to be back 5 years; touring, laughing, enjoying life and each other. Or be back in the water, oblivious to everything. Finally finished.

They were walking past Nick’s cabin, then past Brian’s. After passing his own cabin, he began to wonder just where they were headed. As Howie’s cabin neared and then passed, he began breathing heavier. No. They couldn’t make him go see Kevin. He would strangle AJ. It was impossible that they would all forgive him so easy. And Kevin... Jesus. Kevin had once been like a father to AJ. Until this morning. Until AJ had heard that phone call earlier. Now... now Kevin was just one more person who he had disappointed beyond repair.

Before the others had time to think anything through or stop him, he spun around and bolted toward the forest. “Alex!” He registered Nick’s yell, registered the young man gaining on him. Nick had always been more in shape than all the others, faster and stronger. Probably all that sugar he ate. AJ cursed silently. Why couldn’t it be Howie that followed him? Howie was always the slow one. He could tell Nick was close, but he didn’t dare turn to look. If he made it to the tree line, he could escape. He could keep running forever...

The sand beneath his feet made it difficult to push off the ground. His legs almost collapsed when they hit the packed sand, and the difference caused him to stumble. The trip gave Nick just enough time to gain on him, jumping at the perfect time to grasp AJ around the waist in a tight lock. They both fell to the ground, AJ’s skull hitting the ground with a smart snap. He could feel the gash across his cheek and the immediate blood that rose to the surface.

***
Nick held on to AJ with everything he had. His face was pressed against AJ’s side, and he could feel Bone’s ribs through the blanket. His own heart was pounding, and the desire to scream was stronger than Nick thought he could handle. He clamped his mouth shut, afraid of what such an animal sound would do to AJ’s psyche.

Brian and Howie caught up, and it was Brian who knelt in the clay beside their bodies. He gently laid his hand on AJ’s shoulder, and Nick released the little body. “What was that for, Alex?” Nick asked, sitting up. AJ curled his body into a tight ball, his knees against his chest.

“I can’t go see Kevin.” The voice was so small, so weak, that Nick wasn’t even sure he heard him. Brian moved his face so that he was in AJ’s line of vision, forcing eye contact with the ball of limbs. AJ lifted his head slightly. “I’m sorry. But I can’t.” He let out a little moan and dropped his head back into the dirt. The blood from his cheek dripped along his unshaven goatee. Brian glanced across at Nick, then up at Howie.

“Okay, Alex. That’s okay. We won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

Nick rolled onto the balls of his feet, and reached down to pick up the tangle of limbs in his arms. He stood up, cradling his friend against his chest. AJ rested his head against Nick’s shirt, his eyes closed. The young blonde was surprised at how light AJ felt. He had always been skinny, sure, maybe even scrawny. Hell, ‘Bone’ had always had double meaning to the group. But this was a whole new level.

They walked silently in the direction they had come. “You got him alright?” Howie asked after a few minutes.

“Shh. He’s asleep.” Nick whispered, startled that AJ could fall asleep so fast. He looked at Howie. “He doesn’t weigh a thing. I’ll be fine.”

“I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe it.” Howie shook his head. Nick nodded his agreement. As the path opened up to the beach, they fell into a line beside each other.

Brian spoke, his voice hoarse. “I can still see him out there. I can still feel that sinking feeling... still hear his pain and anger and fear and confusion. Jesus... I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle this... not on top of everything else.”

“We’ll figure something out. You aren’t handling this alone. We’re all here together.”

“Are we?” Brian stopped, turning to look at the other two. “Are we together?”

“Yes.” They answered simultaneously.

“And Kevin?” Brian motioned toward AJ, toward the general location of Kevin’s cabin. He repeated his question. “And Kevin?”

Unfortunately, neither man had an answer for that one.

Nick turned toward Howie’s cabin, the first one they reached. Howie moved forward to get the door for the man and his passenger. Carefully, Nick carried AJ through the cabin and laid him gently on the bed. Stepping back, the three of them watched him sleep. Nick steered Brian out of the room as Howie sank into the chair in the corner. It was 1:30am.

Chapter 6
When AJ awoke he was lying in a bed, the sheets pulled up around him. As his memory caught up with his consciousness, the events of the previous night returned with a shudder. He could feel the dried blood on his cheek and tentatively reached up to touch the scratch. He hoped it wasn’t too terrible. Groaning, he rolled over and was surprised to see Howie asleep in the armchair across the room. Howie’s head was back, his mouth open. In any normal situation, he and Nick would be covering Howie’s face with food and any other object they could find. They would be hiding together behind the door, waiting for the well-known, ‘I could kill you!’ scream that always came from the waking Howie. But this was far from a normal situation.

He heard the door to the front of the cabin creak and he rolled in bed toward the sound. Nick entered, concentrating on the two cups of coffee in his hands. His brow was wrinkled, his tongue stuck between his lips as his eyes never left the liquid. AJ watched as he set the cups down on the nightstand, resting his butt against the edge of the bed in the process. Turning toward AJ, he jumped when their eyes met.

“I expected you to be asleep.” He looked back at the coffee, then toward Howie. “You can have one, if you want. I brought it for D, but he looks pretty content.”

AJ shook his head slightly against the pillows. “No, thanks.” He rolled away from the younger man, an awkward silence filled the cabin, peppered by Howie’s light snoring. AJ was at a loss of what to say. He was embarrassed to be by his bandmates. Now that the comfort of the night was lifting, he feared what they would think. Kevin always used to say that things looked different in the light of day. For the first time, AJ really understood what he meant. Oh, God. Kevin.

A knocking at the door interrupted them both. Howie jumped up, mumbling in Spanish as he wiped the drool from his mouth. Nick stood up as well, the bed creaking slightly. AJ heard the man enter the room, but was uncertain if it would be Brian or Kevin. Honestly, he didn’t have the energy to turn and look.

It was Brian who leaned forward and began rubbing AJ’s back. AJ tensed under his hand, but Brian didn’t stop. “I know you’re awake, Alex. Turn around.”

AJ complied and brought his guarded eyes up to meet Brian’s. “I need to know, Alex, if you still want to go. To get help, I mean. If not, well, I understand, I guess. It’s up to you.” He watched AJ, and AJ had to break his gaze. It floated over Howie, still standing by the chair; Nick by the bathroom. Finally he let his vision settle on the ceiling beyond Brian’s face. He closed his eyes, willing away the tears that seemed always so close. One escaped, cascading down his cheek. Taking a shaking breath, he nodded.

“Yes.” His whisper was almost silent, but the energy in the room shifted.

“Okay.” Brian couldn’t keep the relief from his voice. He was almost bouncing. “Okay, Alex. Well, we’re leaving in 40 minutes then.” AJ opened his eyes, looking straight at Brian.

“We?”

“I’m coming with you.”

AJ didn’t know how to respond. He was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open. Did Brian plan to hold his hand through the rest of life? Watch him sweat and shake and die from the withdrawal of his addiction? Sit in a psych ward with him while the doctors analyzed every one of his major problems? Mr. McLean. Tell us why you are so fucked up. Scowling, he turned from Brian and crawled off the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gunna take a piss. Then shower. Is that allowed? Or do I need a chaperone?” AJ knew his voice was more cruel than it needed to be. He just felt so raw. It seemed like the mountain in front of him was taller than fucking Everest and he had no idea how to even begin to climb it.

Howie stepped forward. Always the mediator, good ol’e Howie D. “J. You don’t need a chaperone. Stop-” He paused, took a deep breath. Started over. “You’ve been through a lot these last few hours. We all have. No one is really sure how to handle this. Just let us be there for you.”

AJ had been walking away from Howie and Brian as D spoke. He hesitated mid-step, his eyes catching Nick’s. Crazy, bubbly, wild Nick. The youngest Backstreet stared at him, his entire body completely still. AJ wondered, fleetingly, if he had ever seen Nick stand that still. He looked like those wax mannequins at Ripley’s Believe It or Not. He shook his head slightly. That was where his focus was right now? He really was fucked up. Reaching for the bottom of his shirt, he peeled it from his body as he continued walking, refusing to acknowledge Howie’s statement. He saw Nick’s eyes slide down his chest, saw the slight twitch that crossed Nick’s face at the sight of AJ’s gaunt frame.

“Get your eyes off me, pretty boy.” He moved past Nick, slamming the bathroom door.

***
Nick fell against the wall, a frustrated growl leaving his lips. He pulled his hands through his hair. “I’m not certain he wants our help.”

“You know Alex,” Brian said, still bouncing slightly. “He’ll always get defensive before he really starts to change. It’s part of his MO.”

“I don’t know him, actually. I know the old AJ. But I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about what this person is going to do.” Nick pushed the air out of his mouth, gesturing toward the bathroom. “This is insane.”

“You got that right.” Howie came over, pulling Nick into a hug. “But I’m serious. We veered down a path sometime in the last year that I can’t say I’m exactly proud of. I think this is one of those moments in life that slaps us back on track and taking care of what is important. It sure as hell won’t be easy for us, but it is going to be a million times harder for Alex. We have to turn the other cheek when he needs somewhere to lash out.”

“Oh, goodie. Lucky us.”

Howie stepped back, and Nick could see him shift into business mode. “I’m going to go get his bags packed. Brian, go do the same. Nick, even if it pisses him off, stay with him. Sit on the toilet if you have to. Keep talking to him. We really don’t know what he’s thinking right now. If he’s still suicidal-”

“You think so?!” Nick felt his voice rise in panic. He cringed at the squeak he heard.

“I have no idea. It’s possible.”

“What if...” He faltered. “I can’t keep my cool. You know me. What if I make it worse?”

“Don’t think like that.” It was Brian who came forward. “Don’t you think I felt that, sitting on the beach with him? At first, I wanted nothing more than for anyone else to be there. To fix that shit. But then, I realized that we are what Alex needs. God put us here for him.”

Brian hadn’t mentioned God out loud in forever. Nick and Howie both stared at him. Howie put his arm around Brian, leading him out the door. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Yes. Yes, He did.”

***
AJ leaned against the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. His hair was sticky from the salt water and the rings under his eyes were dark and ominous. He listened carefully as the men on the other side of the door conversed, oblivious to his eavesdropping. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was secretly glad they were all there. Sure, he still wanted to be out in that water. But it was as if a tiny little spark was flickering somewhere within his soul, trying to reignite.

Scratch that. Trying to come back to life.

Chapter 7
Brian turned the key in the ignition to spark the car to life. AJ sat passenger, his head resting against the window. He hadn’t spoken since Howie had arrived with his luggage packed. In fact, he hadn’t spoken since he snapped at Nick. As Nick and Howie hugged him goodbye, offering their support, AJ stood stoic, staring into space. Brian wasn’t sure if he was pissed that Howie packed his bags or pissed that they were really going. Maybe he was just defensive or nervous. Whatever it was, it was making Brian uneasy. He reached over to turn the radio on, but the sound had barely left the speakers before AJ reached over and slammed it off.

“It’s too early for that shit.” Brian just nodded, tightening his grip on the wheel. Alex always gets defensive before he really starts to change. He repeated it like a mantra, hoping it will help keep him cool as they drove. He was exhausted and on edge, but he knew that snapping at Alex would only catapult them backwards on the path they had slowly started to navigate.

They drove to the hanger on the opposite side of the island in silence. Their pilot, Kyle, had the plane out and ready. As they pulled in, Brian turned to look at AJ. “You awake?” There was no response. He tried to peer beyond AJ’s sunglasses into his eyes, but it was hopeless. Brian waited a beat. “...Alex?” He was just about to reach out and touch AJ’s arm when the other man shifted. AJ reached out and grabbed the door handle, practically sliding out of the car.

“Fuck me.” The other man muttered under his breath as he stood up and slowly stumbled toward the plane.

Brian watched him for a moment before climbing out himself. Sighing, he popped the trunk. “Guess I’m in charge of the suitcases.” He mumbled under his breath, following AJ toward across the landing strip. AJ had already climbed the stairs and was entering the plane when Brian reached Kyle.

“Thank you, Kyle. I know this was short notice.”

“Of course, Mr. Littrell.” Kyle was always the epitome of professionalism. He had been their personal pilot for almost 7 years now.

“I know this goes without saying, but I need you to be exceptionally discreet about this flight.” Brian looked away as Kyle’s jaw flexed slightly. He could tell he had offended the other man, but that was honestly the least of his current concerns.

“Yes, sir.” Kyle nodded, but his reply held a tinge of hurt. Brian opened his mouth, about to apologize, but was interrupted by a shattering crash from inside the plane. The two men looked at each other, startled.

“Get us ready for take-off. I’ll buzz you when we’re seated.” Brian sprinted up the stairs, leaving the luggage behind.

He entered the plane and was affronted with the smell of hard liquor. Whisky, maybe? Or scotch? Brian blinked, trying to shift his focus. That didn’t matter. He scanned the space, noticing a large wet smear on the right wall. There were shards of glass and the broken neck of the bottle sprinkled around the small loveseat under the growing liquor stain. He continued scanning the plane, stopping when his gaze fell on the feet poking out from behind the mini-bar.

Fuck. The mini-bar. The liquor. AJ! How had he been so stupid? “J?!” His voice squeaked more than he would like to admit. He was already moving forward, unaware that his body had decided to approach the feet. He rounded the mini-bar to see AJ crouching on the floor. It was as if he had slid down the wall; his butt was up against the wall, and his forearms were resting on his knees. His hands held a tight grip on a bottle of uncapped liquor. His hands were shaking so hard that Brian could hear the liquor sloshing around in the glass container as he approached. AJ had his head back, resting against the wall.

Brian squatted down so his knees were touching AJ’s shins. He reached forward, removing AJ’s sunglasses. AJ’s eyes were squeezed shut, his long lashes squished between the layers of skin as if he were blinking into the sun. It didn’t stop the tears from streaming out of his eyes at full speed. Brian kept his voice soft as he rest his hand gently on AJ’s forearm. “Alex.”

AJ’s body was completely still except for the shaking bottle. It was as if he was channeling all of his energy toward forcing his hands away from his body. Brian tried to remove the bottle from his grip, but the younger man was too strong. “Alex, I need you to take a deep breath for me. Take one, big, deep breath in and one, big, deep breath out.” He was surprised when AJ complied almost immediately. The stench of the alcohol on AJ’s exhale caused Brian to recoil. Brian recovered as quickly as he could, glad that AJ’s eyes were still squeezed shut. “That’s it, J. Keep breathing.” With each inhale and exhale, AJ’s hands slowly started to relax and his eyes slowly slid open. Brian kept his pressure on the bottle, slowly pulling it from AJ’s grasp. When he finally released, Brian moved swiftly, placing the bottle back in the cabinet. Standing, he held his hand down to AJ and pulled his friend to his feet. When AJ reached the standing position, his eyes locked into Brian’s. Even without the sunglasses, AJ’s eyes had a wall in front of them. It was as if the tears belonged to a different person.

Brian pulled him into a hug before he could resist. His arms were wrapped tightly around the tiny frame of his friend. He could feel the resistance that he saw in AJ’s eyes reverberating through his body. For a solid minute, both men stood in a silent, frozen embrace. Slowly, AJ’s body melted into the hug. “I heard you talking to the guys before I got in the shower.” His voice was muffled against Brian’s shirt.

“Yeah?”

“And I had every good intention to come out of that bathroom with a positive attitude.” AJ took a deep breath as an involuntary shudder ran through him. “But then I got in the shower. And started thinking about this plane. All I could think about was that fucking mini-bar. It was like a demon possessed me. I couldn’t get it out of my head. There was this deep, insatiable desire for a drink. I couldn’t focus on anything else. And then I got on the plane, and it was like I was a glutton. I had both bottles. One in each hand. After that first drink... the feelings that filled me. God, Brian. Comfort. Peace. Anger. Shame. I wanted to keep drinking, I wanted to stop. I am so fucked up. I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can.”

AJ pulled away, moving toward the seats. He sat down and snapped his seat belt in one swift motion. “I couldn’t even make it one fucking day! One day, Brian!”

Brian sat next to him, pushing the button to signal Kyle. “It is going to take time. It’s okay if you have setbacks. You are strong, Alex.”

“Bullshit.” AJ reached out and snatched his sunglasses from Brian’s hand. Pushing them back on his face, he turned toward the window. “Wake me up when it’s over.”

“Alex-”

“I just want to sleep.”

***
The taxi pulled up in front of Woodbine Rehabilitation Centre. AJ gazed out the window. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, the place was picturesque. A smattering of white-washed buildings dotted the rolling prairie. The mountains in the distance stood majestically, stark against the blue sky. There were even fucking horses. Well, not fucking horses, but horses. “What state are we in again?”

“Wyoming.” Brian said. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, actually.” Alex felt a wave of nostalgia, but he wasn’t sure why. He had traveled the entire world, but had never really seen it. Had they ever been to Wyoming? How did he not know that it looked like this beyond the amphitheaters and stage lights? As the taxi pulled to a stop, AJ felt his stomach clench. As if reading his mind, Brian reached over and gently squeezed AJ’s knee.

“You ready?”

Chapter 8
AJ had been on stage in front of millions of people. He had tripped, torn his pants, gotten an erection. He had messed up lyrics, wrecked harmonies, and made a complete ass of himself. But he had never been more nervous than the moment he stepped out of the taxi in front of Woodbine Rehabilitation Centre.

The woman who greeted them at the door was short and plump. Her face looked kind and serene, and her demeanor quickly calmed some of AJ’s nerves. She introduced herself as Auntie J. “For Aunt Jemima,” she whispered, playfully nudging AJ in the ribs. He tried to smile slightly. He had to admit, the name was fitting.

Auntie J spoke quietly as she walked them through the main building. She pointed out the therapists’ wing and the exercise and cafeteria buildings outside the window. Passing a closed door, she gestured at the sign above the entrance. ‘Woodbine West’ it read, and Auntie J looked at AJ sternly. “That is the women’s wing. It is completely off limits to all male guests. No exceptions allowed.” AJ saw Brian smirk.

“Smart of them to keep you separate from the ladies, Bone.” He whispered, giggling a little. Had AJ been less stressed, he probably would have made some sex joke in return. But he couldn’t even imagine sex right now - let alone communicating with strangers. Let alone females. Auntie J brought them into the men’s wing (‘Woodbine East’, originally enough), and down a small hallway to an open living space with four closed doors. There was a small kitchenette in the corner where a woman in a work dress stood. “This here is your new home at Woodbine. The living space is run by Ms. Sofia. She is your on-call nurse.” The woman walked forward, gesturing them to one of the closed doors marked 112C.

“Hola, Alex! This is your new home. I call it the Honeycomb room.” Sofia had a heavy Spanish accent and reminded AJ of Howie. Not just the Hispanic part. She was short and moved quickly, and her eyes were gentle and honest. He glanced toward Brian before entering the room, and if his ESP had been stronger he would guess that Brian was thinking the same thing. His room - his new ‘home’ - was painted a pale yellow and contained a comfortable-looking bed, desk, and set of drawers. It wasn’t overly spacious, but it wasn’t terrible either. This Woodbine place was not like he was expecting. He had pictured hospital hallways, tiny shared rooms with white walls. Woodbine was much more...homey. Was ‘homey’ a word? He quietly walked to the window and gazed at the mountains. He suddenly had no idea what to do.

Auntie J turned to Brian. “Thank you so much for supporting Alex. If you’d like, I can bring you up to the front and we can discuss visiting hours while Alex here gets comfortable.”

“When are visiting hours?”

“After the first week, they are every day from 10:30am-3pm.”

“After the first week?” Brian repeated.

“There are no visitors the first week. We like our guests to get acclimated to the environment and work out some initial life-changes on their own.”

“What?!” AJ yelped. He spun, terrified. His eyes met Brian’s as Brian closed the space between them, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug.

“Okay.” Brian’s voice sounded as if he were trying to convince himself as well. “That’s okay, Alex. You can do that. It’s okay.” He turned his gaze to Sofia, still hugging AJ. “One week from today? 10:30am?” She nodded, and Brian tightened his grip on his friend, repeating himself. “Okay. One week from today, Alex, I will be right here. Okay? I love you.” He gave one last final squeeze, locking eyes with AJ as he pulled away. “I love you.”

***
Howie and Nick entered the recording studio together a few hours later. “Dude, think about how different shit was twenty-four hours ago when we were in here.”

“I know.” Howie replied, sighing. He really wasn’t looking forward to seeing Kevin. Howie had tried to argue with Brian about returning to the island to tell the most senior member of the group, but Brian wouldn’t back down. He was refusing to leave Wyoming until AJ was released. He even made sounds about renting a house for however long it took. Howie had no idea what they would say to management. They would have to put the production of the CD on hold. Kevin was going to flip a shit. He could feel his blood pressure rising from the stress. Why was he the only one who cared about deadlines and expectations? He’d probably end up writing this whole damn album.

Although he had hoped that they would have a bit of time to sit before Kevin showed up, it was only a matter of minutes before he entered the room. “Dude, you two look like shit. Did you go out without me last night?” He laughed a little as he headed toward the coffeepot, ruffling the blonde’s hair as he walked past. “You should sleep more, Nicky.”

Nick let out a little gulp, tears springing to his eyes. Howie sprang into action. “Kev...”

Kevin froze halfway between pouring coffee into a mug. He slowly looked at both his bandmates a little closer. “Where is Brian?”

“Kevin, last night-”

“WHERE IS BRIAN?!” The bellow that came from their self-appointed leader caused Nick to yelp. Howie held up his hands toward Kevin’s chest.

“Brian is in Wyoming. He isn’t coming back. He is with AJ. At that place you found a couple months ago. Woodridge?”

“-Woodbine.” Nick interrupted. Howie was surprised. Nick was usually pretty vague on details.

“Alex needs us right now, Kevin. I know you don’t get it, but-”

“Fuck, no, I don’t get it! What the hell happened last night? What drug are you all on? He duped you all again? Am I the only intelligent one here?” Kevin slammed the coffee mug onto the table.

“He tried to kill himself. Brian gave him CPR. He’s a mess, Kev. I’m going up there too.” Nick’s voice was soft, his eyes downcast. Leave it to Nick to take Howie by surprise twice in less than a minute. “We’re his brothers. We’re all he has. He needs us. He needs you.”

Howie couldn’t believe his ears. Nicky was standing up to Kevin. By the look in Kevin’s emerald eyes, he couldn’t believe it either. “Nicky,” His voice was soft, almost condescending. “He doesn’t need us. He’s playing you. I know you don’t see it-”

“I’m not a fucking fool!” Nick screamed. “You didn’t see him, Kevin! You didn’t hold him as he cried himself to sleep or stand by helplessly as he tried to shut us out! I’m not a child anymore, and neither is AJ. I am a brother before a Backstreet Boy and I am going to Wyoming. You can’t fucking stop me.”

Kevin’s mouth was literally hanging open. He turned toward Howie. “And you?”

“I- um.... yeah. Yes. I am going to Wyoming.” Howie cringed. He sounded like an idiot. Nick’s resolve gave him new courage. Man, these tables sure were turning in this group. Screw management. Screw the CD and the producing and the stress. Screw Kevin, if it came to it. Not literally, obviously. Just purely figuratively.

There was a long, pregnant pause from the eldest Backstreet Boy.

“It’s him or me.”

“What?!” Howie and Nick yelled at the same time.

“Either he’s out or I’m out.”

“Of the band?” Howie’s words were quiet. He was almost afraid to utter them out loud.

Silence filled the room. After a second long pause, his gaze shifted between the two remaining band members. “Well?”

Nick stood. “Kevin. You have always been a big brother to me. To AJ too. You’ve done more for me than I could ever care to admit. I don’t know why you are so angry, but right now I need to be there for AJ. I’m going to Wyoming.” He began to walk out of the room, pausing in front of the eldest band member. “I love you, Kev.” He turned and walked out of the studio.

Howie watched Kevin. He could see that the young man’s words had hit the Kentuckian hard, but the oldest attempted to shake them off with some humor. “He grew up all of the sudden, didn’t he?”

“Last night, to be precise.” Howie didn’t care that he made Kevin flinch. “Kev, I don’t know what your problem is. Well, I do, actually. But we have to give AJ the benefit of the doubt that he’s trying to become a better person. Why would you be opposed to that?” Kevin opened his mouth to argue, but Howie cut him off. “Don’t do anything rash. Take some time to think. We’ll be in Wyoming if you change your mind.” He sighed, watching Kevin. He knew that jaw clench. Kevin wasn’t listening anymore. He walked forward and placed his hand awkwardly on the taller man’s shoulder. Repeating Nick’s words, he gave Kevin’s arm a squeeze. “I love you, Kev.”

Chapter 9
AJ paced the length of the Honeycomb - or, as he had more lovingly dubbed it, ‘The Beehive.’ His therapist, Dr. Sterling, had made quite a big deal about that. It had taken almost a full session decipher that one out. Why, Alexander, do you find the need to nickname everything? It had made him so angry. He didn’t nickname everything. He nicknamed people who were close to him. He nicknamed places he spent a lot of time, or songs with really long titles. He nicknamed fans whose names he couldn’t remember, and people that bugged him. But there were things he didn’t nickname. Like plants. And food.

In the end, Sterling concluded that AJ used nicknames whenever he experienced extreme emotions. Love, hate, embarrassment, confusion, happiness. He challenged AJ to make a concentrated effort to figure out the basis for each nickname he gave.

The Beehive? Pure boredom.

And, for the record, AJ absolutely despised that Sterling called him Alexander. It was all mental, AJ knew. You need to stay centered and focused, Alexander. You have gotten so good at becoming AJ, the Backstreet Boy. But who is Alexander McLean? Every time the doctor called him by his full name, AJ tried to come up with another nickname for the therapist. It had turned into quite an enjoyable game - at least on his end. He had finally settled on Silver, partially due to the salt-and-pepper hair the doctor sported and partially for the nice “Sterling Silver” ring that it had. Although the doc pretended to get annoyed, AJ could see the sparkle of enjoyment behind his eyes whenever he called him Silver.

AJ reached the end of the Beehive and spun, continuing his pacing. His eyes landed on the one item hanging on his yellow wall - a piece of paper that had numbers on it, beginning with 1. Each number was crossed out except for the highest, 7. Sterling had told him he needed to focus on the positive things in his life. Find something that he could reward himself with. The simple line of numbers represented each day he had gone without a drink.

Those first three days, he was certain he was going to die. He spent more time screaming, breaking things, and crying against Sofia than really living. Then, slowly, it got easier. He had gotten in the habit of getting up to watch the sun come up and hit the mountains. He drank a lot of coffee and exercised in the weight room. Each day was a new start. A new number.

And secretly, he was aiming for that number 7. The day that maybe - just maybe - he would have a visitor. Today.

He had had many low moments this past week. Moments where he was sure that no one would be here. That they had all forgotten him, or were secretly glad he was officially gone. Even nightmares that Kevin had successfully kicked him out of the band without him knowing. AJ shook his head. No Backstreet thoughts. Dr. Sterling had a firm ‘no business’ rule. The whole “Learn Who You Are Without the Backstreet Boys.” He could talk about his friends, and his fears. But no work. No writing songs, or singing, or thinking about management or tour. And as frustrating as it was, he was making a valiant effort to follow the doc’s rules. The big guy knew what he was doing after all. And AJ DID want to get better. Even if it was hard.

The knock on his door caused him to freeze mid-spin. Sofia poked her head in, smiling. “Buenos Dias, Conejito. You have some visitors.”

“Multiple?” AJ’s voice cracked. “Who?”

“Aw, Conejito. Where’s the fun in that? Come see. I know they are excited to see you. They’ve been waiting since 9:45.”

AJ guffawed. “No, they haven’t. They’re never on time. I’m the early one. There’s no way anyone has been here that long.”

“I promise. I let them in myself. Vamos!” She waved toward the door. Her smile was infectious, and AJ followed her through the living area and into the hallway.

As they neared the meeting room, AJ slowed. “Sofia... I...” He stopped, wringing his shirt between his fingers.

The nurse turned and gripped his shoulders. “Conejito, you have come so far this week. I have never seen someone work as hard as you have. Do not be scared. You are blessed with the love that is waiting in that room for you.” AJ stared into her eyes, unsure. When her gaze did not waver, he nodded.

“Okay.” He reached out and pushed open the door to the meeting room. His palms were sweating and he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.

He was barely in the room when he heard Howie call his name. “Alex!” The short Latino was suddenly on top of him, his hug suffocating. Almost simultaneously, he felt a second set of arms envelope him.

“Hey, Bone. You’re looking snazzy today.” Nick’s voice was low and sultry in his ear, and AJ couldn’t help but let out a little laugh.

“I can’t believe you came.”

“Of course we came! This has been the longest week EVER!” Nick’s voice returned to normal, and AJ pulled away from his friends, tears in his eyes. He remembered Dr. Silver’s admonition to not be afraid to cry. He had sounded so much like Kevin the first time he’d said it that AJ had stormed out of their session. It took two full sessions to determine the meaning behind that one.

‘Why does authority bother you so much, Alexander? Is it the lack of control? What is it about Kevin trying to be a parental figure in your life that you aren’t ready to admit?’

AJ could feel the fire from his eyes boring into the doctor’s own. ‘Kevin is not my father.’

‘Is it so bad that he tries?’

They still hadn’t gotten to the bottom of that one.

Returning to the moment, AJ wiped his eyes and let his gaze fall on Brian.

He was about five steps away. His face held so many emotions, AJ wasn’t sure he could place them all. His hands twisted at the Wildcat’s baseball cap he was holding, his face contorted into a pained smile, and AJ saw a tear slide down his cheek. When their gazes connected, AJ felt his knees begin to give out slightly beneath him. “Brian,” he whispered.

With that one word, Brian was there. Hugging him, crying, squeezing AJ tighter than he thought possible. “I’m so proud of you.” Brian whispered over and over. “So proud.”

“You wonder why the fans think we’re gay.” Nick quipped, elbowing Howie in the ribs. Howie shot him a death glare, but AJ chuckled. It felt good to laugh again. It felt good to be with these men who he called brothers.

“I missed you guys.” He said, looking at each of them in turn. Brian refused to let him go. Before he could stop himself, he felt his eyes move past Brian, scanning the room for the one missing person.

“He didn’t come.” It was Howie who broke the news. “He sends his love, of course-”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Howie. I’m not a tabloid reporter. Tell me straight.”

Howie looked at the other two for help, but they both avoided his eyes. “He still thinks you’re pulling a fast one on us. He refused to come.”

AJ nodded, resigned. Sterling had warned him that some people adjusted to news like this differently than others. ‘It may take Kevin time,’ he had said. AJ wasn’t so sure about that. Kevin may take hours to state his opinion, but it didn’t take him long to make a decision and expect everyone to fall in line. When people chose to go against Kevin’s wishes, it was easy for the older man to write them off. He was a natural leader and expected his minions to follow. Knowing what Kevin had been planning that last day made him pretty sure that Kevin was finished with him.

He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath, counting to ten. He wouldn’t let that interfere with his day. After all, wasn’t this what he was here to learn to deal with? Sterling and he had talked about staying positive in unfortunate situations. ‘Look for the good things! What do you have to be happy about right now?’ AJ looked at each of his three brothers in turn. He had more love right here than he could ever imagine.

“I can’t believe you all flew up here today.” He tried to make his words light.

“Well...” Brian looked at Nick and Howie. “We didn’t exactly fly up here - at least not today. We kinda found a place to rent...”

AJ’s mouth fell open. He was literally speechless. “Here? In Wyoming? Wha-”

“It’s a cabin!” Nick interrupted, bouncing a little. “Like, full out legit log cabin!” Howie rolled his eyes. Nick continued, “I don’t have to share a room with anyone, and the mountains are right there. And there’s hiking trails and horses and bugs and shit.”

AJ laughed. “Bugs and shit?”

“Yeah. This one almost ate Howie,” He scrambled away a little as Howie lunged for him. “Dawg! I’m not saying anything about your size, just that they were some huge ass bugs!” Howie tried a second time to intercept the young blonde, but Nick leapt behind the couch in the middle of the room. He was saved by a soft knocking at the door before Dr. Sterling entered.

AJ wondered what a strange view the four of them made for the doctor: Brian attached to AJ, practically swinging on him; Nick perched behind the sofa in crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon pose; Howie halfway over the couch ready to leap onto Nick. They all froze when he entered, and Howie tried as calmly and maturely as possible to climb off the couch and walk toward AJ and Brian - although he was able to throw one last death-glare toward Nick as he did so.

“Gentlemen.” Dr. Sterling addressed the three men with AJ. “You must be Alexander’s friends.”

“Brothers.” Brian corrected him, before stumbling over his words. “I mean- I’m sorry, Sir. Forgive me. It’s just-”

“No worries. You must be Brian. The Southern drawl gives it away. I’m Dr. Sterling.” Sterling chuckled as he held out his hand to Brian. Brian reluctantly let go of AJ and shook the doctor’s hands. “You must be Nick? And Howie?” He asked, turning to the other two. “Alexander here has been doing an excellent job making some positive life changes this past week. If he’s comfortable, I’d love to have him share them with you a little. If he isn’t ready, you can use this time to just be together and enjoy one another’s company. We do have a few ground rules, which I will let Alexander share with you.”

AJ couldn’t help but turn to catch Nick’s face as the doctor was talking. He had the most dumbfounded expression AJ had ever seen. “Alexander?” He mouthed toward AJ. AJ just smiled.

Dr. Sterling put his hand gently on Brian’s shoulder as he passed. “Brian, when you have a moment, could I ask you to come see me in my office? No rush.” When Brian hesitated, glancing toward AJ, the doctor smiled gently. “Don’t worry, I’ve already cleared it with Alexander. He know’s you’ll be coming to see me.” Brian nodded, suddenly nervous, and Dr. Sterling gave his should a little squeeze before turning to leave. “Enjoy your visit!” He called as he left the room.

“He’s a gem, isn’t he?” AJ asked. His voice was sarcastic, but the boys could hear the truth behind it.

“What’s with the Alexander?” Nick couldn’t hold in his curiosity.

“He says I have created an identity as AJ and that we need to get back to my core personality.” When the three others nodded knowingly, AJ added, “I know recently you had all been calling me AJ, not Alex. Until... last Sunday, that is. And it had really bothered me - before, I mean. I get it now. That’s who I’d been. I hadn’t been Alex. But I’m trying to figure out how to get back to that person.”

Howie walked forward and wrapped his arm around AJ’s neck. “We know, Alex. You’re doing a great job.”

“Yeah, Alexander.” Nick quipped, before he was hit in the stomach by Brian. “Ow! What did I do?!” Brian’s glare made Nick pout a little, his hands up in defeat.

“It’s ok, Rok. I missed the little brat.” AJ motioned toward the door. “Com’on. Let me give you the grand tour. And the ‘Ground Rules’.” He made quotation marks in the air as he went to open the door. As the three others walked through, AJ filled them in with Dr. Sterling’s ‘No Business’ rule. He could tell it baffled them all a little, but they seemed open to giving it a shot.

“That’s gunna be hard to remember.” Nick mumbled. “How will we know what is work and what is us?”

“That’s the point, I imagine.” Howie said, smiling.

AJ walked closer to Brian, leaning in. “Go ahead and see the Big Doc. We’ll be in my room.” Brian smiled nervously. Why did he suddenly feel like he was in trouble? “Don’t worry. He doesn’t bite.” A wicked gleam flickered over AJ’s eyes as he grinned. “Call him Silver. He loves it.”

Brian knocked on the door to Dr. Sterling’s office. He heard a muffled, “Come in,” through the door and quietly pushed the door open. The doctor stood behind his desk, holding out his hands. “Welcome, Brian. Have a seat wherever you’d like.”

Brian looked around, surprised. He wasn’t certain what he was expecting, but he wasn’t expecting this. The room had floor-to-ceiling windows looking out at the mountains, and had three different seating places. The decor was very much a ‘man cave,’ and Brian immediately felt himself relax. He imagined AJ felt the same way when he entered the room too. He walked toward a pair of chairs directly in front of the windows, sinking into one of them. “Where does Alex normally sit?”

The doctor smiled slightly. “Exactly where you are.” Brian blinked, slightly surprised, as Dr. Sterling sat across from him. “I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable asking to meet with you. I know that you found Alexander last Sunday, correct? And that you and he had been going through some friendship difficulties shortly before that?”

Brian couldn’t help but snort. As soon as it happened, however, he shook his head. “Sorry. Yeah, I guess we were. That doesn’t matter anymore, though. All that matters is that Alex is getting better.”

Dr. Sterling watched him carefully. “Brian, you aren’t helping Alexander by ignoring what happened between the two of you.”

Brian stood up suddenly, walking toward the window. He couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly so angry. “I know that!” He said, cringing at how loud and whiney his voice sounded. “But what good does it do to bring it up? To bring any of it up? What if-” He stopped when his voice caught, his eyes filling with tears. “What if bringing any of that up again puts him back into that place he was that night?” He wiped his cheeks, trying to clear them of tears as he looked toward the mountains.

Dr. Sterling didn’t respond immediately. When he did, his voice was soft and calm. “Alexander is so lucky for the unconditional support you give him. There are many hurting people in the world who don’t have the support he does. We have been working hard to get Alexander to appreciate and utilize his support system in a more positive way. One of these days, Brian, I hope that Alexander will come to you and ask you to tell him what it was like for you when you found him in the ocean, and what it has been like for you to give and give and have him abuse you. When he does, Brian, you need to be honest. Alexander needs that from you. Your friendship needs that.” He paused, but Brian did not respond or turn back toward the doctor. “What you experienced when Alexander attempted suicide was a traumatizing event. Don’t push your personal feelings from that night away thinking it will benefit Alexander. You’ll just be creating a false truth for him and for yourself.”

“Do you have to call it that? Att-attempted s-suicide?” Brian stuttered out the last two words.

“Yes. We need Alexander to understand what his actions were and the consequences for them. Not referring to his attempted suicide by name will only increase the daunting task of overcoming it.” The doctor stood and brought Brian a box of Kleenex from a side table. Brian smiled his thanks as he took them.

“You know, Brian, it’s my job to help Alexander know how to handle stressful situations without returning to the mindset that he was in when he tried to end his life. Trust me to help him there.”

Brian took a moment to really look at Dr. Sterling. “Okay.” His voice was hoarse and his eyes were glistening, but the doctor could see the strength and resolve in them. “I trust you. And Alex.”

The doctor nodded slowly, watching Brian closely. “Well then, let’s get you back to your friends. Seems like you are all quite the interesting bunch.” He grinned knowingly, and Brian felt his face light up with a smile of his own.

“I wouldn’t trade them for the world.”

***
AJ opened the door to his room with a flourish. “Welcome to the Beehive!” Howie and Nick entered the yellow room, taking in the small space and minimal accessories.

“Not your normal style, that’s for sure. But the name is fitting. Did you dub it the Beehive, or did it come that way?” Howie turned and winked at AJ.

“Come on, I’m the King of Nicknames!” When Nick snorted, AJ spun and gave him a good clock in the shoulder.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“First, it’s for your crack at D in the other room. I’m paying it forward. Second, I rock at nicknames! Mine are the ones that always stick!” Howie nodded in agreement and acknowledgement, and AJ smirked as he turned back toward his older friend. “I was hoping for some gargoyles or at least a little medieval wall art, but they seem to frown upon anything that could be considered a weapon.”

“Yeah, it is lacking a little in the art department.” Nick, still nursing his arm, spun slowly before stopping at the simple piece of paper with the big ‘7’ circled on it. He gestured toward the counter. “J, I know you suck at art, but you could’ve tried a little harder than that.”

Before AJ had a chance to explain, there was a slight knock at the door as Sofia poked her head in. “Hola, Conejito!” She pushed the door open a little further and entered with Brian following close behind her. Although he was smiling, Howie could tell that it didn’t completely reach his eyes. “I found one of your amigos attempting to break into the woman’s wing.” When Brian opened his mouth in shock to protest, she laughed. “Just joking! I’m glad to see your friends are still here! Would you like me to contact the kitchen and set some extra seats for them?” Nick was already nodding his head furiously up and down.

“Um, yes please!” He practically shouted. Sofia laughed as she left, leaving the four men in the Beehive. Before AJ could address Brian, Howie turned toward his friend with a quizzical look.

“What’s with the Conejito?”

AJ shrugged. “I don’t really know. Seeing as I’m not really privy to Google around here, I haven’t had a chance to figure it out. She’s called me that since day one.”

Brian smiled. “She’s a nickname girl after your own heart.” As Howie burst into laughter, AJ turned toward Nick with a smug look.

“See? Brian thinks I give good nicknames!” Nick rolled his eyes as he fell onto AJ’s bed.

Brian looked between the two. “What did I miss?”

Howie just shook his head. “Don’t worry, Rok. Nick just can’t handle being wrong.” As the young blonde glowered from the bed, Howie turned back to AJ. “Too bad you don’t know anyone who speaks Spanish.”

“Shit! D! What the hell is a conejito? I knew I kept you around for something!”

Howie bowed low. “I am so honored. ‘Conejito’ means ‘bunny.’ Why would she call you Bunny?”

“Not a damn clue. I bet Nick could flirt the answer out of her. She’s been giving him googley eyes the whole day.” He nudged Nick’s foot, eliciting the tiniest grin from his friend. Nothing like stroking his ego to change his sour mood. “Come on, let’s go get some grub.”

As they began walking toward the cafeteria, Nick scampered ahead, loping his arm around Sofia at the other end of the hall. The guys could see him turning on his thousand-watt smile as he leaned in close to the little woman.

After a moment, Nick came bounding back to the other three. “That was a piece of cake. Easiest assignment you’ve given yet, J.” He brought his hands up under his chin and batted his eyelashes at AJ. Switching into a terrible Spanish accent, he said, “Oh, my Conejito! Those eyes are so warm and chocolatey, he’s like a chocolate Easter Bunny! I could just eat him up!” He leaned close to AJ, blinking obnoxiously as he made a kissing face. “He’s just so dreamy!” AJ groaned and pushed him away, barely dodging his head before Nick could land a wet, sloppy kiss on his cheek.

“That is by far the worst accent I’ve ever heard. I’m offended on behalf of all Spanish-speaking humans on this planet.” Howie deadpanned.

“And I’d bet my ass that she didn’t actually say half of that!” AJ added, laughing, though Howie could tell that Nick’s false statements touched him.

He watched Brian out of the corner of his eye as Brian’s own face began to reflect the smile that was on AJ’s. “You doin’ okay?” Howie whispered to Brian.

Brian paused for a second, as AJ tried to deflect another Nick kiss. “Yeah. I’m good. I think maybe life is finally working itself out.”

Howie nodded. He couldn’t agree more.

Chapter 11
AJ stepped back, admiring the newest picture he had sticky-tacked to his wall. Nick had made it his personal duty to redo AJ’s wall decor in the Beehive and had been drawing pictures to bring to his friend every day. It didn’t matter if Howie or Brian were visiting instead; they always came with a drawing from the youngest Backstreet. This most recent pencil drawing was the most stunning yet. It showed a man hunched over on a fallen log, his hands folded in prayer. Behind him were three crosses, hidden in an early morning mist. AJ could tell that there was a cliff beyond the crosses and a valley down below. Without a doubt, AJ knew the sitting man was Brian in the drawing. The image brought tears to his eyes.

“Nicky, this is truly something special.”

“He goes there every morning, you know.”

AJ turned toward Nick, surprised. He gestured toward the picture. “This is here? In Wyoming?”

Nick nodded. “He’s started praying again. He’s even started up his good old-fashioned preacher shit again.” He rolled his eyes.

AJ couldn’t help but smile. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m genuinely glad to hear that.”

“Fuck, I know. Me too.” Nick grinned a little, but his face quickly sobered. “You know he doesn’t blame you.”

AJ felt his own smile falter as he looked at the wall of drawings. “You guys keep saying that. It’s just hard to accept. I believe you, I guess. I just feel so guilty, with Kevin gone and all...”

Nick let out a little ‘tsk’ sound. “Potty mouth...” He scolded in a gentle tone. AJ smiled. Early on, Nick had been so stressed about breaking the ‘No Business’ rule that he had come up with a code phrase for each time one of the guys slipped into Backstreet-mode. Usually, he screamed it obnoxiously, but this time his tone was a bit gentler.

“You’ve grown up a lot, Nick.” AJ said, turning to his young friend. Nick looked surprised.

“Uh, thanks? Where did that come from?”

“Silver’s been helping me realize how little I’ve actually been paying attention to each of you the past year-and-a-half. I don’t even know what’s been happening in your life, Nicky. How are you? How is Lauren? Aaron? Your parents? I’ve been so wrapped up in my selfishness that I’ve been oblivious to everyone else.”

Nick literally had to close his mouth as he stared at AJ. Brian had mentioned that there was a chance AJ would approach them each, but he honestly hadn’t thought it would happen this soon. And there was no fucking way he would have thought that AJ would approach him first. It was pretty flattering, he wouldn’t lie. For over a year, he had been pissed that AJ seemed oblivious to everything happening around him. As the time had passed, he had sworn not to confide in AJ ever again. They had always been the two youngest together, had shared a special connection from growing up literally in the spotlight. As AJ had pulled away, Nick had built a wall separating himself from the other man. Yet as he looked over at his brother, he could see the genuine interest in AJ’s eyes - and the fear that Nick would turn him down. It made Nick realize just how much guts it must be taking AJ to approach him like this. He sat down on the edge of AJ’s bed, smiling a little at his friend.

“Where should I start?”

***
Nick had come home from his visit absolutely glowing. Howie had opened a bottle of wine, celebrating at the milestone that AJ seemed to be crossing. Brian, on the other hand, had sat quietly the entire night. If AJ was asking personal questions, then it was just a matter of time until he approached Brian about everything - his attempted suicide and the thousands of dollars that he stole from Brian and Leighanne. Brian remembered Dr. Sterling’s words. “One of these days, Brian, I hope that Alexander will come to you and ask you to tell him what it was like for you when you found him in the ocean, and what it has been like for you to give and give and have him abuse you. When he does, Brian, you need to be honest. Alexander needs that from you. Your friendship needs that.”

It made Brian sick to his stomach to think about. What would he say to AJ? How could he begin to explain everything he’s been feeling and working through and struggling with?

Then to top it all off, Howie had attempted to call Kevin and give him an update. Nick and Brian had been sitting in the kitchen when Howie returned barely 5 minutes later. The Latino’s face was crumpled. “He still isn’t answering.”

“Do you think he was serious? About being done with us?” Nick’s voice was small. It had been a long time since he had sounded so young and vulnerable.

“I really don’t know, Nicky.” Howie had leaned toward the blonde, giving him a shoulder squeeze. “I think we just have to wait that one out for a little while.”

“I’m so sick of waiting things out!” Nick jumped up, his chair crashing back against the floor. “We waited AJ out until he wanted to get better. Look where that got us. Now we’re supposed to wait out whether or not Kevin is man enough to talk to us ever again? Like we’re some scorned lover?”

The outburst had caused Brian to jump as well. He had been so distracted he had barely been paying attention to what Nick and Howie were saying. As Howie righted Nick’s chair and calmed him down, Brian had headed toward his room. He had barely been thinking about Kevin these past weeks. Was Nick right? Was Kevin really done?

He called Leighanne before going to bed. He knew Leighanne could talk him out of this funk he was in and help him sort his brain out. Brian missed her like crazy. Her support of Brian and patience as he worked through everything had helped him realize how much her love really meant to him. He had failed to see how much he had let his marriage suffer this past year, yet she continued to stand by him as his helpmeet and lover. He was starting to notice more than ever what she had meant when she had said she wanted her husband back.

He just hoped she was still willing to give him that chance.

As they were talking, Leighanne had suggested that they pray together, and the two of them had prayed together long into the night. He liked that they were praying together again. He liked that HE was praying again. But, he still didn’t feel any more peace with the idea of talking to AJ about that night....

***
Brian hesitated as he went to knock on the door to the Beehive. Even after his talk with his wife, he was still dreading this visit today. He sighed and rapped on the door. No use delaying the inevitable.

When there was no immediate answer, he knocked again, a little stronger this time. After a second pause, he pushed open the door. “Alex?” He could hear the panic in his own voice as he rushed into the Beehive, only to be greeted by an empty room.

“Ah, amigo. Do not be nervous!” Brian spun to see Sofia walking toward the room. “I just saw Conejito out on the walking trail. I think he’s having a tough day today. Pobrecito. I’m glad he has friends like you.” She guided him out of the room and toward the outer doors.

Brian smiled weakly at Sofia, but he felt the guilt settle in his stomach. Here he had been, totally consumed in his selfish thoughts while his friend has been struggling. Thank you, God, for once again showing me my prideful nature. Although his prayer had a hint of annoyance, there was a far larger grain of truth behind it. He hated being reminded of his ego, but it was good to feel God guiding his life again. How had he let this go?

After a few minutes walking down the mulch path, he found Alex perched on a boulder by a gurgling stream. Brian had never come out here before. They were in the middle of the valley, surrounded by green prairie and towering mountains. The early morning sun was still cool and the breeze was light and gentle. He sat down next to AJ, pulling his knees up to his chest. He could practically cut the tension around AJ with a knife. He tried to keep the mood light. “It’s beautiful out here.”

AJ didn’t reply at first. After a few moments, he mumbled, “It’s kinda like déjà vu sitting here.”

“Except we aren’t sopping wet.” Brian smirked when he saw AJ’s lips twitch. They sat in silence for a minute, watching the bubbling stream.

Brian leaned over, gently nudging AJ’s shoulder. “Don’t tell Nick or Dr. Sterling, but I’ve been writing a song about you.”

“That’s a little creepy.”

“I won’t lie, it’s pretty epic.”

Suddenly, AJ sprang up, jumping onto a lower rock by the water. The sudden movement surprised Brian. “It’s killing me to not make music. I’ve reached a standstill with Silver. These fucking bats-”

Brian looked above them at the clear blue sky, void of all winged creatures. “Bats? What are you talking about? Did they give you a lobotomy since I last saw you?”

AJ wrung his hands together as he pushed off the balls of his feet, as if the nervous energy in his body suddenly couldn’t be contained. “You know, like song birds? Except these are evil, and won’t go away. So I call them my song bats.”

Brian couldn’t stop the snort that flew out of his mouth. “Yup. A lobotomy. You’re crazier than I thought.”

AJ’s agitation continued to rise. He started rubbing his fingers against the edge of his sweatshirt, and he bounced faster. “I have, like, 10 songs flying around in my head right now. I can’t get them out, but I can’t write them down, and I’m sure they’re fantastic, but I’m terrified I’m going to lose them. And how selfish is that? I’m still fucking thinking about the bang for my buck as I’m in the loony bin. It’s hopeless. I’m a fucking loss and am never gonna get better. I can’t do this, Bri. I can’t.”

Brian felt his own heart best begin to rise. “Alex-” He was interrupted by AJ plopping down next to him again on the rock.

“Tell me what happened that night, Brian. I need to know. Tell me what I did. Tell me what it was like for you.”

Brian froze. AJ was known for fast mood swings, sure. But he couldn’t possibly tell AJ. Not now, not with how fragile AJ obviously was. He knew AJ was itching for a fight. AJ had this strange need to have his self-esteem blown to shit whenever he was feeling vulnerable. It didn’t take a genius to see that AJ was pulling the same act he had that morning in the cabin when he attacked Howie, Brian and Nick. He was scared everyone was going to pull away - scared he was going to fail. In AJ’s mind, the solution was to push them away first. Brian didn’t need Dr. Sterling to analyze that one out for him.

“I gotta go.” Brian jumped up. He couldn’t do this. Sterling had said that Brian’s words wouldn’t cause AJ to spiral backwards, but he just didn’t buy it. AJ had just said himself that he was at a standstill. Brian couldn’t risk causing it to teeter the wrong way.

He caught AJ’s wounded look as he bolted down the path. So much for being honest.

Chapter 12
AJ plopped down in the chair of Sterling’s office. The large, dark sunglasses he was wearing blocked his eyes and his body language gave off nothing but negative vibes.

“Well, good morning to you too, Alexander.” Sterling kept his voice gentle as he sat down across from AJ. “Do you mind removing your sunglasses?”

“Yes, I fucking mind.”

“Alexander, it’s natural to go through a period of difficulty during this process. I need you to continue to be open and express your frustrations.”

AJ sat stone still, his arms folded in front of his chest. He refused to answer the doctor. After a beat, Dr. Sterling sighed.

“This wasn’t how I wanted to introduce this, but I guess we’ll both adjust a little today. I’d like you to take a walk with me, Alexander.”

This caused AJ to look toward the doctor, mild curiosity on his face. Dr. Sterling stood, and AJ followed his lead, still not speaking.

The two men exited the main building and crossed the inner courtyard. On the opposite side of the lawn sat a few external buildings - the chapel, meeting hall, and exercise building. As they walked toward the meeting hall, Dr. Sterling began to speak. “I talked to Brian this morning.” He paused, waiting for any response from AJ. When the young man stiffened, Dr. Sterling continued. “He was pretty torn up about your conversation. We talked for quite awhile. He suggested something to help you. Something a little.... unconventional. The more I thought about it, the more I think it’s possibly a good idea. If I am going to expect you to work so hard to change, then maybe I can change a little too in the process.” AJ watched the doctor curiously as he reached forward and pushed open the meeting hall doors. They entered the large room, and AJ noticed a piano, guitar, microphone and basic set of recording equipment on the far wall.

AJ turned to Dr. Sterling, a frown on his face. “Is this some fucking joke?”

“No, Alexander, this isn’t a joke. Brian told me about your bats-” His lips formed a playful smile, “-and I think that it’s fair to acknowledge that music is an outlet for you that shouldn’t be ignored.”

AJ was walking slowly toward the equipment. He turned back toward Dr. Sterling. “I can write?”

Dr. Sterling sighed, slightly reserved. He stepped toward AJ. “Yes. But I will be watching and listening closely. I know the benefits of music therapy. I know how good this could be for you. But I am also very concerned that it could push you back into work-mode before you have really sorted out who you are.” Dr. Sterling met AJ and reached forward to remove his sunglasses. “These right here are the perfect proof of my reservations.” AJ let the doctor remove the glasses and held his eyes. “I want to see everything you write. I want to hear everything you record. No exceptions.”

“That’s fair, Silver.” Dr. Sterling smiled. “Can I start now?”

***
Who are you now?
Are you still the same?
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?

And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done

I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

AJ looked down at the words that he had written out before taking a deep breath. He began singing the simple, painful melody that accompanied the lyrics. After finishing the chorus, he let his voice float through the room before looking up at Dr. Sterling.

“Is that song about Kevin, Alexander?”

“Is it that obvious?” AJ felt raw - he had been writing and playing non-stop since Silver had given him access to the meeting room. He stood up from the stool he had been perched on and turned toward the windows. “I think he was serious. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again. He was the closest thing to a father that I ever had and I hated him for it.”

“Alexander, I must say, I’m proud of you.”

AJ turned toward the doctor with a perplexed look on his face. That was not the sentence he was expecting from Silver.

“I have to admit, I was very concerned about giving you access to music. You already knew that, though. But the fact that the very first thing you wrote was about your relationship with Kevin makes me very proud. You’re making great strides, young man.”

A tear slid down AJ’s face as he gazed back out the window. His voice was hoarse when he replied to the doctor. “Thank you.”

Chapter 13

Brian quietly entered the meeting room, trying not to disrupt the man hunched over the table against the far wall. It had been two days since he had been to Woodbine. Howie said that AJ was in much better spirits yesterday, and that J was working on a few things but wasn’t ready to share them with the guys yet. Brian was still a bundle of nerves, but hoped that the CD he had in his pocket would help give a few answers to the question that Brian was so afraid to speak out loud. The song currently coming out of the speakers was one Brian had never heard before, and Brian could hear AJ adding harmonies on top of his own recorded voice. He walked up behind AJ, gently resting his palm on AJ’s shoulder. AJ continued to sing, holding up the piece of paper with the lyrics scribbled on it. Brian secretly groaned - it was no question that AJ had the worst handwriting on the planet. But he tried his hardest to read over his friend’s shoulder, deciphering the chicken scratch as he listened to AJ’s words.

The song ended, somewhat abruptly, reminding Brian that it was still a work in progress. AJ turned to look up at his bandmate. “You made this happen.” He stated, shifting his gaze to the equipment.

“I’ve spent enough time with you to know how you tick.” AJ nodded in appreciation, reaching back to grab and squeeze Brian’s hand. After a moment, AJ released him and returned to his paper. Brian waited a beat before interrupting. “How are the bats?” He couldn’t hold back the gentle chuckle that escaped as he said it.

AJ growled, but Brian could hear the smile in the guttural sound. “You are never going to let me live that down, are you? And you told Sterling too? Just because I have a better imagination than you…” AJ tried to keep his voice angry, pretending to sigh as he ran his hand through his hair.

Brian pulled up a chair next to AJ and straddled it, propping his elbows on the top of the backrest. He rest his chin on his elbows and tried to catch AJ’s gaze, his own eyes crinkled in laughter. “Wait ’til you see what Nick is drawing you for tomorrow.”

“Oh God…” AJ couldn’t help it anymore, he turned toward Brian, his eyes rolling. As soon as their eyes met, they both burst into laughter.

“Seriously, J, bats?!” Brian reached out and lightly punched AJ’s arm. “I mean, that has to be the funniest thing I ever heard! I seriously wondered if you had gone mental!” Brian leaned back, wiping the tears of laughter that leaked from his eyes.

AJ shook his head in mock annoyance. “Yeah, yeah. I think it’s a given that I’m a little mental.” The laughter died into a comfortable silence.

“Tell me about that song.”

“Just something I have been toying with since I got here.” He filled Brian in on the basic point of the song, looking down in embarrassment when he acknowledged that it was about Kevin.

“Care to play it again?”

AJ hesitated for only a second before he obliged, once again adding some harmonies as he heard them fall into place. After the first verse, Brian picked up the tune and joined in, working his voice around AJ’s live and recorded voices where it seemed to fit. As the second chorus wound down, the music again came to an almost abrupt ending. Brian threw his hands up. “I gotta hear the bridge!”

AJ looked away, embarrassed. “I just wrote it today. There’s no music yet. I don’t know if it’s too… frank, or obvious, or stupid or something.” Brian nodded. He knew how hard it was to play a personal song for the first time. Like opening your soul to the world. He waited, knowing AJ would sing when he was ready.

AJ started the chorus again, this time a cappella. He looked straight at Brian, holding his gaze. The darkness in his chocolate eyes was jarring to Brian, portraying a chasm that Brian sometimes forgot was hiding there.

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done

I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

I wish I could find you
Just like he found me
Then I would never let you go

AJ’s voice cracked, and he looked down, letting the words fade between them.

Brian was floored. AJ was known for his art of writing bridges - he always took a song that seemed like it was going one direction and added just a little twist. He had a knack for changing one or two words and making the whole last chorus have a double meaning with his twist. Brian couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times that the other Boys would turn to each other during a recording session, mouths open and the spin AJ had improvised in the booth. Half the time he would do it to songs they hadn’t even written, and then have to beg the writers to leave it that way for the recording. Sometimes they were successful keeping his twists - sometimes, it was a lost battle. But the Boy’s always knew the ‘hidden bridges’ existed, and loved to catch each other’s eyes during live performances when they would pop up. Brian had always treasured those tiny moments that bonded them together - moments that had all but disappeared in the last few months.

“Am I the ‘he?’” Brian asked quietly. When AJ only nodded, still looking down, Brian quickly stood up and swallowed the young man in a hug. “I love it, Alex. It’s so good. Poignant and perfect.”

“Thanks.” AJ’s words were thick in his throat.

Still holding his friend, Brian took a deep breath. “I know I ran out the other day on you. Honestly, Alex, I’m terrified to tell you what this has all been like for me.”

AJ pulled away, sitting back down. “Because you think I’ll backslide.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.

“Well, yes. And I don’t want to add any extra guilt or pain on you when you are already dealing with enough.”

AJ reached up, rubbing his neck. “Silver says he thinks I’ll be ready to be discharged in the next week or so.”

“Oh yeah?” Brian was surprised by the topic change, but had learned over the years to go with the flow when AJ and Nick had moments of ADD. He again straddled his chair, waiting AJ out.

“I would rather be able to work it out with him here to help me than on my own months from now.”

Brian pursed his lips. AJ was right, of course. “That Dr. Sterling is a smart man.” AJ rolled his eyes, but Brian knew that he agreed.

Brian reached into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out a CD. “This is the song I was telling you about. I wrote most of it after I dropped you off here that Sunday. Howie has helped with some of the harmonies. Nick just heard it for the first time yesterday - we haven’t had a chance to add him in yet. It doesn’t answer everything… but I tried.”

AJ took the CD from Brian’s outstretched hand. Brian could see his hands shaking as he opened the case and placed the CD in the player. As the simple background began, AJ closed his eyes to listen to the words of his bandmates.

How come I was the last to know?
Took the stage then you stole the show
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
I was captured by that stare
Now I’m shattered, but I don’t care
And the people walking by don’t have a clue

That I kissed your face
Till the sun was in our eyes
Till the afternoon arrived
And I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love is made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon

Monday is a funny thing
Still waiting for the phone to ring
Will my imagination take it slow
After Saturday, my life is changed
In a moment it was rearranged
Strange how easy it is letting go
And I miss your face
Like the sun was in my eyes
And now I'm running blind

This sweet relief
Unexpected things
Is this the end or only the beginning

I miss your face
Like the sun was in my eyes
Like the afternoon
Now I'm running blind
I can't explain

Last night I saw the fireworks
the kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love that's made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon

Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon

The silence that followed the song’s ending seemed to go on for eternity. Brian felt so uncomfortable. Maybe it had been too much - maybe it was upsetting AJ. Maybe he was reading into it the wrong way —

“You got some talent, Rok. There’s a lot of hidden messages in this song.” Although he was making an attempt at humor, AJ’s voice was thick with emotion.

Suddenly, Brian couldn’t hold back the dam of emotions pushing through him. He dropped his head onto his hands, his voice slightly muffled by the back of the chair. “I wake myself up with nightmares, Alex. I’ll be in a cold sweat, screaming, practically jumping out of bed. In the dream, I’m always swimming toward you, but I know I’m too late. It’s daylight… and I just know. And I get to you, and - and-” he choked, the sob not able to escape his throat. He looked up suddenly, his gaze fierce. “It’s killing me, Alex! You mean so much to me. I’m happy you are getting better. I’m thankful that you are seeing the big picture, and that Leighanne is so understanding, and that money is just money, and that God is so merciful. But Alex, I couldn’t live without you. The fear that you might try again and that I won’t know, or that I could be too late…” He trailed off, his hand suddenly rubbing his chest above his heart.

“It scares me too.” AJ had tears streaming down his face. He tentatively reached out to touch Brian’s arm, stopping the blonde’s rubbing motion over his heart. “But I hope that I am learning some-” he paused, seeming to search for the right word, “-healthier ways to handle my thoughts.” He let go of Brian’s arm and reached into the neck of his own shirt. He pulled out the cross - the cross that he had found that night in the sand that belonged to Brian. “I’ve worn this every day. It’s been there to steady me when I thought there was no way I could go another day. But it was on loan to me from a dear friend of mine and his wonderful wife.” He unclasped the necklace and handed it out to Brian. “Leighanne is an amazing woman for putting up with you. For putting up with me. Tell her I love her, will you?” He looked straight at Brian, his eyes intent as he held out the cross. Brian nodded. “I’m so sorry about everything that I did to you, Brian. And to all the guys. I know I was a real dick.” Brian opened his mouth to interrupt, but AJ held up his hand. “Let me finish. I’m sorry you had to find me that night, and I know it was a terrible thing to put you through. But I am so thankful it was you. You’ve been my rock, Rok.” His lips formed a wry smile, and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

“Pun intended?”

AJ laughed, the sound thick in his voice. “Damn straight. Pun intended.”

Brian wiped his eyes, shaking his head as he stood up. “I swear, the emotional intensity of this place just about does me in. Come here, you little squirt.”

“Who you calling squirt, shorty?” AJ stood, and the two men folded into a tight hug.

Rubbing AJ’s back, Brian spoke. “We’ll figure out the whole Kevin thing. We just need to find a way to make it his idea.”

AJ snorted. “Yeah. You let me know how that goes with Eyebrow Man. You’re the only one who has ever been able to successfully do that.”

Brian stilled. AJ had a point. Was it really up to Brian to figure out a way to get Kevin to listen?