Everglow

“And you’re with me wherever I go
‘Cause you give me this feeling
This everglow.”
Coldplay, Everglow

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until the morning? – Nick’s voice held a tone of sadness between his words. His hands were hidden inside the pockets of his jeans while his feet were shifting from side to side. Blue ocean eyes lowered their gaze on the pale grey ceramic tiles of the floor, as if they were much more interested on the tip of the shoes; as if they were afraid of what they would find if they met their companions, that other shade of blue that was so fixed on them, almost whispering, beckoning them to raise and melt into each other. They were afraid. Nick was afraid because he knew what he would see if he crossed Brian’s eyes and he knew, he perfectly knew, that he wasn’t going to resist. He knew that one glance of those grey waves of sadness and forced happiness would made him grab Brian’s arm and take him back to their home. – I’ve looked and there is a flight...”

Brian let go of his bag, he hadn’t needed a bigger suitcase since he had been staying in Los Angeles for just a couple of days, and looked up to his partner. That was the moment he had dreaded, part of the reason why he would have preferred going to the airport all alone: not because he didn’t want these few last moments with Nick, not as if he wanted to get away from Nick for reasons unknown, or as if he needed a reason to break that thing they had. It was the total and complete opposite. Brian hadn’t wanted Nick to take him because those moments were filled with so much misery, so much pain that he was so close to forget about New York and the promises he had made Leighanne and stay for a few more days. Just because it was always painful saying goodbye to the person you knew you were gonna need more in the following days.

They knew, right from the start, that there would come situation like that one, moments when they would be face to face before one of them would hop up on a plane and leave for work and business that didn’t belong to the group. They always knew but, at the same time, knowing didn’t make those leavings less painful and sad. Staying away from each other was becoming harder and harder to bear, especially because it wasn’t something they were used to, not since Brian and Nick had decided to put the past behind their backs and unite two hearts that were always meant to beat together.

Fate had a funny way to get into someone’s life, into a couple’s life, and shook it so wildly that it would be almost impossible trying to get it back to how it was in the beginning: since the moment Brian had known that his son was going to be in a Broadway show for six months, he had felt as if someone had decided to have a little fun with him and change everything when things were finally coming together. Oh, he had been happy, how could he not be? He had been proud, the proudest dad that it was possible to be in the world, but there had been a nagging and fastidious feeling that had started to bloom, like a vicious weed, inside his heart: why now? Why now that his two loved ones, Nick and Baylee, were finally starting to get along together and all three of them were finally starting to feel like a real family?

But that separation hurt the most for another reason, something that made Brian feel like a selfish soul, a weak spirit instead of that proud and strong soldier that had always marched through everything on his own. Maybe it was because it came just right after another experience that had left his spirit shaking like a terrified leaf, or maybe it was because something had happened when Brian had let Nick inside his life and now he couldn’t bear to go back to a solitary loft, where he had to take care of everyone else and no one would be there to stop him for a second and ask him if he was okay. If he was holding on or if he was retorting back to the old ways, hiding and hiding until he couldn’t even remember why people were so worried about him and he could just focus, or over focus, about his family and the group.

“I would love to, you know. – So Brian replied, looking up to Nick even though he was still staring at his shoes. – But I have to be in New York in the morning. Baylee has rehearsal…”

“Leighanne can take him, can’t she? – Nick objected, already knowing that he was sounding just like a whining child who didn’t want to go to school. But he actually didn’t care. It didn’t matter if it meant buying himself just a couple more hours with Brian. – Just this time. It’s not like we’ve spent so much time together.” And there, only there, Nick dared to raise his gaze and look into Brian’s eyes: he hadn’t been wrong for the bright blue had been shadowed by waves of sadness, of a longing that was pulling and attracting their soul even though they were already so melted into each other that it wasn’t possible to distinguish them.

But it was true, wasn’t it? They hadn’t had so much time to spend together, between the hours spent in the rehearsals and the birthday party all the boys had thrown him and that had lasted longer than it was intended. So, although they had shared all those hours and a bed together, there was still a void that was rapidly changing into a need and a craving difficult to dismiss or to tuck away for the next time.

Whenever that would be.

And, at the end, Nick wasn’t asking for so much. Just a couple of hours. Just a bunch of minutes and seconds they could spend together, maybe while taking a stroll and walk to that coffee shop that had always been their favorite and finally talk. Talk about what had happened just some weeks before and that was still following Nick like an embarrassing and horrible ghost; talk, again, about how Nick wasn’t going to let this small slip up destroy all the good he had managed to conquer in the last years and how he was going to prove to Brian that he could still, and would always trust him to be alone. But the truth, in reality, was that Nick needed to be reassured in that magic and unique way that only Brian hold inside his words and touches: in that moment, Nick was feeling like a bird whose wings had all been ruffled up, treated badly by the forces of nature, and was just waiting for his partner to take care of them and make them brand new so that he could fly again.

Those few hours, though, weren’t just for Nick’s sake. Oh no, because love had managed to change his soul and making him less self-centered and more focused on someone’s else troubles. On Brian’s struggles. And they were there, those signs, written in lines that nobody else could decipher or understand. Those struggles were bloodshot eyes that told about not being able to sleep or shake away the after waves of a performance that didn’t hold up to Brian’s too-high expectations.

“I know. And if it was another time I’d probably take your offer up because I missed you too. – Brian replied, stressing those last few words that probably were the ones who held much more truth, and implied so much more. – But things aren’t going great and Baylee needs me. I have to be there for him, no matter what.” No matter, Brian didn’t add but simply thought, how much he wanted to hide inside the New York’s flat and curl up hoping to forget those two days just spent, hoping to forget how he had failed everyone and disappointed everyone. Admitting that would make him feel an even worst father that he was already, because a part of him didn’t want to leave, didn’t even have the energy to fly back and be a superhero. How could he be strong for his son when he couldn’t even be strong for himself? How could he tell Baylee not to care about what other people might say when he was the one always dreading hearing comments about the last performance? How could he tell Baylee that hard work always pays off when he was feeling like being back at square one, back when no one knew why his voice acted that way, not matter all the therapy and improvements made over the last years?

Suddenly any remarks or pleadings disappeared from Nick’s mind, replaced by the first pangs of worry born from what Brian had just said. He may have not been present in the first years of Baylee’s life but Nick was now trying to make up for all the time lost and wasted, especially because he knew that Brian counted on that, needed that extra brain cells that could worry over his son while he was already full of thoughts about his health and his voice. “Is something wrong? I thought that Bay was loving the theatre and everything...”

“He does, he does. But bullies are everywhere, you know?” Brian replied, feeling a slight flame of anger starting to burn inside his heart.

“Do I have to beat up someone?” Nick’s joke managed to get through the waves of self hatred and guilt that were already fighting inside Brian’s mind to win and gain all the attention. That was the reason why Brian wanted Nick with him and not hundreds and hundreds of miles away from him: Brian needed Nick because he didn’t want to fall, once again, in that deep pit of self loathing and depression.

“You better stay away from beating for a long time.”

“How long?”

“Forever?”

“That sounds like torture! – Nick exclaimed, happy to see the smile returning to appear on Brian’s face. – But, really, you sure you don’t need me there?”

Yes! Brian’s mind wanted to scream. Of course I need you there with me! But he couldn’t say those words. He had always promised himself that he would never be one of those clingy and needy men that would prevent his partner to fulfill his dreams and wishes, no matter how much he needed him. And a part of him, a tiny and still bleeding part of his soul, was still regretting that moment, already so far away in the past, when his own problems had forced Nick to leave everything because…

“I would love to have you there but your Japanese fans need you more than me. Go and be fabulous.” Brian replied, shaking away those memories and leaving a small butterfly kiss on the corner of Nick’s mouth.

“Promise me you’re gonna behave.”

“I always do.”

Nick’s eyebrows raised up in doubt, ready to discover the lie told with such a funny and playful tone. “Always?”

“Ok, okay. Not so always. But I do try, I promise.”

“You promise to sleep?”

“Yes, dad.”

“And eat?”

“I’ll send you the pictures of all the food I’ll eat, okay?”

Nick didn’t reply for a second, trying to come up with another promise that wouldn’t sound a preaching. It was still a tricky surface that matter, like they were both drifting upon an iced lake that could shatter any time without giving a warning. The tricky part came because Nick had never been on the other side, the one constantly worried about the wellbeing of someone’s else, especially someone who had always been so proud about not sharing any weakness or fragility. Shattering those walls hadn’t been easy and there were still times when Nick still felt like Brian shut him out from a lot of things, only because he had this crazy and in a way romantic conviction that he should always be the strongest one, the one whose life was so perfectly aligned that he could use all of his energies to take care of everyone and everything. Shattering those inner walls was still something Nick was trying to do day after day, shifting between being afraid that one day Brian would snap and leave him and doing something so damn wrong to ruin and destroy him forever.

Brian hated being cuddled. Brian hated being reminded that he was now the one needing help and constant comfort and reassurance. Brian hated being so unsure of himself, so full of doubt and so close to that thin line that Nick had crossed a lot of times. And that was where Nick knew had to be very careful. And that was where Nick knew that he couldn’t rely on words, because they always ended up twisted and not what they were supposed to mean inside his mind.

God knew it had happened thousands of times before!

So Nick put the palm of his hand on Brian’s cheek, the tip of his index finger tracing his jaw line and those hints of light brown beard that always managed to turn something on inside his stomach. A shade of faded red started to blossom on Brian’s face, blue eyes were starting to shine with that light of love and devotion that it was always so damn hard to describe. Or to understand what Nick had done in his life to deserve it and that amazing human being he was holding in his arms. Lips were now close, closer and closer as seconds passed by as if they were the only two people in that crowed airport. Brian placed his hands on Nick’s waist, his fingertips sliding under the fabric of his shirt and brushing briefly the bare skin that sill longed and tasted of hard work and hours under the lights of the show.

“Just promise me, okay?”

There was no need, for Brian, to ask Nick what he meant. He appreciated that he wasn’t actually saying, that he wasn’t explicitly remind him not to retreat on himself and just go back to work, those exercises and therapies that right now felt pointless and useless. He appreciated, Brian, that Nick was trusting him in the same way he was trusting him while going away, still frail and vulnerable but with a renewed strength to be better. To try and be a little bit better than before.

“I promise.” Brian just whispered in a breath before locking his lips upon Nick’s, tasting a sad goodbye that was made of salty tears that didn’t and wouldn’t be out in the open. It was a kiss that wanted to soothe the sadness for so many nights that would be spent lonely, so many small steps that wouldn’t be shared together but just told, as if it could be the same thing; it was a kiss that wanted to remind, fiercely and strongly, that that love shared wouldn’t diminish just because the bodies weren’t close or just because distance wouldn’t allow to send those hugs, kisses and touches that most of the times meant so much more than words or pictures. It was a kiss that wanted to last as long as possible but soon, too soon, Brian and Nick found that they couldn’t hold on and stepped back, gazing into each other so that they could bring a picture of the other wherever they were going.

And then, reluctant, Brian started to walk towards the gate, each steps getting heavier and heavier as he put more distance between him and Nick: oh, he was going to miss him so badly, and who knew when they would be able to be together again, as Nick was going to leave for Japan soon and then for a tour that was going to take him farther and farther from him.

It had been just a few handful of seconds, a couple of steps, and, already, Nick’s absence was building itself a nest inside Brian’s soul, building up the first walls of what looked like to be a giant palace, one of those huge castles where there were infinite gardens and so many rooms that someone could get lost inside it. It wasn’t the “oh, I’m going to miss you because you’re my love and I can’t stand not being able to feel free to kiss you, hug or caress you every time that I want”, because that was something that they, Brian and Nick, had already struggled and found a sort of compromise about it: it was hard, that was for sure, but they knew that their love wasn’t that fragile and weak for not surviving a couple of weeks being away from each other. That feeling of absence Brian was already feeling went so much deeper, it reached a place that Brian had thought he had been able to hide and cover from everyone, especially from Nick. Brian wasn’t going to miss Nick, his lover; Brian was already missing his partner, his best friend. The only other person in the whole world that he had ever let so close, and not just only and merely physically: in part because Nick had been the only one who had constantly fought him, never backing down every time Brian decided to curl up inside himself and guard that flawed, weak and fractured soul of his; in part because Brian felt that he couldn’t walk away anymore, he couldn’t keep trying to stand on his own even when it wasn’t possible anymore, because he had lost any faith and any strength to keep holding that weight that had already crushed his voice and that was now so close to crushing him forever.

Taking that step hadn’t been easy because it meant to erase and dissolve years and years of lies and words repeated only to go on, only to survive and never really living at the fullest of possibilities. Hell, it was still difficult to accept that he wasn’t and couldn’t be a superhero day after day, hour after hour, when there was this huge and wide void within his soul that still kept sucking and eating every fiber of his confidence and security. It hadn’t been easy accepting that he needed help, just like everyone else around him; it hadn’t been easy standing in front of someone, who he had always promised and swore to defend and protect, and saying out loud how lost and shattered he had been. That day, actually that middle of a night where rain was pouring down heavily, was and would be forever impressed in their mind, Brian had bore his whole soul to Nick, showing the scars and that small child that had been locked away and had never had the chance to scream his fears. And, surprisingly, Nick hadn’t run away. Nick hadn’t closed the door and pretended that they didn’t even share a work and a career together; Nick hadn’t felt disappointed or cheated because who he thought and believed as the strongest man in the world had turned out to be weak and shattered, broken by an ongoing war between himself and his own mind. Nick hadn’t done all those things, or that an endless list that Brian had made up while going over to him: Nick had just opened his arms and let him hide inside that embrace, whispering words of promises that had soothed those first aching wounds, the ones that were so superficial that everyone had been able to notice and point out. But he hadn’t stopped there, although with threads and shadows of uncertainty and insecurities, because there was always going to be a layer of fear when someone would put his entire soul and body in one’s hands; yet, Nick had showed Brian and the world that he could learn and take care of someone that had always been so precious and so important for him: Nick had and kept loving Brian despite the failures and the messing ups, despite that voice that sometimes would just disappear and leave him more hopeless and helpless than before, lingering on that thin and so frail line between sanity and depression.

That was the Nick Brian was already missing, the one whose absence was going to weight and get heavier and heavier as days would pass by, as nights would lay down their dark blankets and seasons would finally change upon the calendars. Because, while reaching his gate, Brian already knew that he was going to miss all the hugs that weren’t just a sign of affection and love but that were the safest place to hide when the world, then Brian’s walls, were going to tremble and then crumble. Who was going to be there to make him smile after a long day of therapy, exercises that Brian already knew by heart but still couldn’t seem to give him back the only thing he needed more than ever? Who was going to listen to his silent prayers, broken pleas to go back to a time when singing had been something so natural and not something painful and so damn hurtful? Who, during those nights, was going to just hold him silently, already knowing that no words could be enough to ease the pain but covering him with touches and caresses that meant so much more, because they smelled of infinite faith and support?

He shouldn’t have to go through all of this, a whining and childish voice whispered bitterly inside his mind. He shouldn’t have to feel like his soul, heart and whole being was being cut in the middle, divided between a son that had and would always be the only good thing he had ever done in his life and that love he had fought so much to have and conquer. It wasn’t fair, how could it be when he needed both of them to feel complete and happy, despite everything? It wasn’t fair because when he had his family with him, that strange and weird family that love had managed to unite, all the bad thoughts and fears didn’t stand a chance to win over him. It wasn’t fair but, at the same time, Brian knew that it couldn’t be fair begging Nick to forget about his dream of finally having a successful solo career or already clipping Baylee’s wings just because his father was having a midlife crisis. It wasn’t fair but that was the life he had chosen and he would never go back to the way he was before, apparently happy but so chocked up with hiding his true self that he had almost lost everything.

And it was going to be only for a couple of weeks.

With a wishful sigh Brian turned around, hoping that Nick would be already gone and wishing, at the same time, that he was still standing there, watching him slowly disappearing behind that area that was so off limits for him. And his wish wasn’t left unheard because there stood Nick, in the same exact position Brian had left him not more than a few minutes before. Nick was standing there, looking unfazed by all the rushing people running around him, circling him as if he was wrapped inside an invisible bubble where nothing and no one could touch him and where he couldn’t hear nothing but his heart beating so painfully. Nick stood there but it felt almost impossible not to run after Brian, blocking him before he would cross that area that would lead him to his flight and, then, so far away from him. It physically hurt to stay here and just watch because he was going to miss that pocket of a man so badly, more than he had ever did in the past. On the outside, to all the other people who just knew the surface of his life and problems, he’d probably look as if the worst was already over: yes, his public image had suffered a bad blown and it would probably take him more work than before to recover and make people forget the shit he had done.

But Brian knew better, that was the reason why he had been so reluctant to let him go. Though Nick was sure that Brian couldn’t know exactly how much he still needed him in that moment, how he was the only one thing that still managed to kept him in line and away from that habit that had almost destroyed everything. Nick needed to be there for him, in a cryptic and weird way as to fight his own problems and demons: focusing on Brian, focusing on taking care of him and making sure that he wasn’t dwelling about messing up or feeling like he hadn’t satisfied the expectations of people and fans, was the only way, for him, to stay away from alcohol and problems.

Nick needed to work. Constantly. Obsessing. Work until he was too tired to even think about what he could do in his free time. Work was what he had always known to shut down the dark voices in his head, to fill that void that loneliness always seemed to dig as soon as he realized that he was alone. But that now was different because Nick didn’t need work anymore to feel something, or to prove himself that he was alive and living; now that was different because Nick had Brian to keep him in line, to remind him that life was worth despite the scars left by time and by a dark past. How could he now falter and cripple down when he had someone that was depending on him as he had depended on Brian for all his life?

He was ready, Nick. He was ready to start running and yelling, screaming in that embarrassing way that yet appeared so romantic if it was in the middle of a movie, when he saw Brian turning around and walking.

In the opposite direction of his gate.

Brian was walking back to him.

Worry started to raise the level up, sending all the various and most desperate messages: had he forgotten something? Had he decided that a few hours were all he needed to feel better? Was he not feeling good? It had happened before. More than Nick wanted to remember, actually. Anxiety and panic always had this way of appearing when none of them were ready to face them and, maybe, that was just one of those times. Maybe that was the fate and destiny telling them that they couldn’t be so far away when both needed the other so badly.

Few steps, that was all it took to Brian to be standing again in front of Nick. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t give him a reason why he had turned back or why he was looking at Nick like there wasn’t any other soul and man but him.

Why did they have to stay separate?

And then, with just one motion, Nick was being swept away by the amazing and surprising love that Brian seemed to prove for him: on his tip toes, Brian cupped Nick’s face with his hands and kissed him. At first the kiss was just a brief and soft caress, as if his lips already had forgotten the taste of Nick’s mouth; but then the touches started to became full of passion and something that tasted like desperation, a need that Brian hadn’t be able to dictate with words and sentences given by their language. It was more than the “I’m going to miss you every day” kiss, it was more than “I don’t know how I’m gonna get it through without you” urges, touches and caresses. In that kiss Brian was filling Nick with something that he had never been able to confess, worried and afraid that it would be such a hard weight to bear; in that kiss Brian was donating to Nick that part of his soul that felt so betrayed, so divided between what was meant to do – being back with his son – and what was starting to be something real and tangible.

Their love.

Their relationship.

Their family.

One day there weren’t going to be those goodbyes. One day they would all be standing together, travelling around the world but together. As a family.

The kiss didn’t last very long, leaving both of them wanting and desiring to close themselves out from the world and the reality; Nick’s hands wrapped themselves around Brian’s waist as he pushed him the closest possible to him, his lips travelling up and down the jaw line.

“Are you having second thoughts?” Nick whispered softly, a glow of hope that was starting to bloom inside his chest.

“Don’t ask me twice. – Brian replied, lips still trying to lick and taste those inches of red skin. – But I couldn’t go without saying you something.”

“Something?” Nick asked puzzled, stepping back so slightly that it was almost impossible notice the difference a hand slipped on Brian’s back, resting and leaning inside that curve of the spine that was so sensitive, where already a shiver and tremble started to travel up the nerves and the bones.

“You know... – Brian whispered, sliding his fingers upon the hem of Nick’s jacket. - ... we might be far from each other, physically distant. But there are going to be moments when we will feel as closest as we can ever be.”

“How?” Nick asked, his voice not able to choke down a sob.

“You’ll probably going to think that I’m a stupid and hopeless romantic, and that maybe I’ve read too many sappy books but...” Brian lowered his head, his eyes went from looking into Nick’s eyes to giving so much attention to his shoes, which looked like in need of a deep cleaning. It wasn’t that he felt embarrassed but it was one of those moments that could turn out to be embarrassing, for the words painted inside his mind could be brushed into totally different ways. Totally stupid ways.

“We have already established that you are the most romantic between us so, go on. – Nick put his fingers under Brian’s chin and lift his face up, already knowing that he was going to see those cheeks tainted with a slight shade of red. – Nothing can actually surprise me anymore.”

Brian couldn’t help but smile, lips curving into a thin line so natural and bright that Nick almost wanted to be able to freeze the time and snap a picture of it, for it had been so much time, so long time since he had seen that smile on his partner’s face. The last few years had been a series of shadows of that smile, that timid and shy curve that Nick had loved when they had first started flirting with each other.

And, oh, how he had missed it!

“Even if you are going to the other side of the world, there is going to be a moment, so small and brief that we will have to catch it before it runs away, when we will look at the same moon. At the same stars, shining and dancing on a dark and black dance floor. In that moment, only in that moment, it will be like being together, holding each other and breathing the same air. One kiss before going back to day and night, to east and west. To singing in front of screaming fans while I start another day wishing that it would be the right one, the lucky one when all my problems would be gone. But, in that moment, we will be together.”

Nick was left totally speechless. Surprised wasn’t even a word he could use to describe how he felt, how his whole being was feeling as his mind processed and tried to understand what Brian had just told him. How he did it wasn’t even a question anymore, maybe it could be a rhetorical one because he had already established, well the whole world had, that Brian was indeed capable to come up with things that were so astonishing and surprising that you couldn’t even try to describe them. You just let them hit you, you just let those waves take you as a willing victim and you sailed with them, knowing that they could you take to a place no one would ever be able to fantasize and create.

That was how Brian made Nick feel, like he had been made part of something so rare and so unique, something that had to wait years and years only to be that perfect. Brian made Nick feel so loved even in that moment, when they were both trying not to cry or beg the other not to go because they could sure find another way to make things work. That was how Brian made Nick feel, like a sudden wind had managed to steal away all the air so that it was impossible to pronounce even the smallest word ever possible in any kind of language. Maybe he should start his own language, which probably would turn out to be a series of incomprehensible sounds that would just fuse together and become the only representation possible of what he was feeling in that moment. In those kind of moments when Brian would prove, over and over again, that he was truly a superhero and that his power was the ability to turn him into a puddle of feelings, emotions and absolute love for that special human being.

The only possible reply Nick could muster in those kind of situations was just one. The only possible reply was a kiss, one of those kisses that Nick had never thought that he could be able to share because it was far from being only full of passion and lust, desire and need; that kiss was like a declaration: a promise not to let himself be driven so wild and crazy by his dark thoughts to let them drag him so down and low ever again; a promise not to let the distance and the miles prevent him to be there for Brian, even if it was with just one phone call. That kiss was just a reminder, the most powerful reminder, that Brian was the one who could and would ever hold his heart and soul, treating them so carefully and so delicately in fear of them being broken once again.

Just like he would do with Brian’s heart and soul that was slowly trying to pick itself up and walking out in the sunlight.

“I stand corrected, Brian Thomas Littrell. You are unbelievable.”

Small touches of lips lingered on the corners of Nick’s mouth, though Brian could hear the metallic voice announcing his flight to New York. “And you realized it just now?”

“No, no. – Nick’s voice came out in poufs of laughter while stealing away a last kiss. – Now I realize that you are always going to surprise me, no matter what.”

“And it’s a bad thing?” Brian asked with a eyebrow raised.

“No. – Nick replied, lowering his head so he could brush the tip of his nose against Brian’s. – Absolutely not.”