Summary: Indeed..soon fled!
My lovely creatures whom
Bestow their smoky gowns
And feathered a belief
..death was actually sacred...
Nick and AJ thought they have it all in their seemingly perfect world. But when an illness that plagues them both what happens when they try to cure each other or less so themselves.
Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: AJ, Nick
Genres: Angst, Drama
Warnings: Death, Graphic Sexual Content, Graphic Violence
Chapters: 5 Completed: No
Word count: 5267 Read: 4572
Published: 03/13/18 Updated: 04/15/18
1. Prologue by delicate_creature
2. Chapter 1 Prevalent Storms- Nick by delicate_creature
3. Chapter 2 The Asking Vein-AJ by delicate_creature
4. Chapter 3 A begging off a haste * Nick's POV and Aj's* by delicate_creature
5. Chapter 4 Prayers in the Masses by delicate_creature
Prologue by delicate_creature
As though it was an incrediable warning that seethes the listless skies with such insanity...he tugged at the ropes that glistened like vast flames.
Never was a remorse noticed.
Never did he lest remembered the last minutes in an hopeless countdown.
But peered carefully at a now dangling body, blood streaked in a flawed rainbows he swore was beaming with thoughts off death mild and indeed.
He was never certain what became of this letter he suffered beneath nor just even the cruel escapade of both their illness that came blackened and thick as unknown oil.
Sighing, bracing his back against a moss-covered stone and breathing in depths of weakness.
" What have I done?" he asked no one in particular.
Finally allowing pain to attack the inks of his letter, pouring from his slightly bearded features and trailed where one may distinguish defeat.
It was something they both decided however, but the other man thought otherwise and buried his shame far enough where anyone can never find.
Perhaps he should just cross that finish line, prime and silky ribbon he longed to adorn across his neck.
He wondered breifly if the other fellas had worried why him and the other man were gone and why.
It never occured to him the accounts on their feelings or heartache upon discovering what had been done.
He also wondered if he should ever go back to them and beg for their saving grace.
No he pondered, they could not understand.
Him and the other was sick....not a physical disease but a mental one.
His was not as horrid but worse for all this destruction to follow.
Therapy helped seldom.
Medication as well but proved to be more damaging than the illness itself.
He glanced up towards the now curtaning skies again and ghosts off his own breath curled once then disappeared to a craving night.
Mirrored back at the body of his beloved team memeber, friend...brother.....
Even with that cloud he stifened incomplete sobs in which arrowed the earth by regrets.
Because that is exactly how it was.
When dawn finally spread her vermillion and yellowed colors, burning his lucid eyes in reflection.
He slowly shifted back into a sitting position as everything remained the same as it was previous.
Tighlty coiled what he may initially pray was a dream..proved to be not.
But he knew he couldn't just linger in his safe spot to await what would become of next.
First, selfishly, he just suddendly wanted to proceed across the graveyard forest in search for his refuge he proclaimed he might not ever hold any useful boundaries.
Second within his damning mind was to only fasten in silence for death succomb him too.
Finally though.....he decided to at least bury him, for he deserves a proper departure.
The rust-bitten shovel that sunk abandoned into moist dirt, in a dark convieniant manner, he grabbed it and started his own personal funeral for his brother.
As he was churning browned earth and crisp bows of leaves was he reminded how he didn't come through on this bargain.
" I will...I promise.." he sadly sniffled and continued to dig.
When he thought the hole was deep and wide enough he used his trusy pocket knife to cut down the body as it plopped onto the ground like a rushing tide.
Wincing, he picked his brother up, gave him a brutal but loving last hug and delicately lowered him into the finality of his enduring pain.
" Goodbye...my dear brother....I love you and I will join you soon..."
After he had released his friend to the heaven underneath piles within guilt, he began his journey into civilization in hopes he may actually find a new cause to walk on.
Hours halfheartidly spun around him as he neared a stretch of aspalt and an unmistakable scent of gasoline.
He turned his head both ways, waiting for even a signal that he was not left alone yet again.
His clothes were dirty and in shambles from the days they both ran beyond where the eye couldn't control.
Aging face and body matched, with dried crumbs of blood, both his and his friend.
He wondered that even if he was spotted if that person would actually help.
Scoffing quite loudly.
" Help....no one could of helped us." He whispered referring to his friend and also himself.
Finally....as a god send a trailer truck slowly approached him as he waved his hands widly.
The woman in the truck screeched and stopped to drink in this lost traveler.
" Please help! I umm....I need to get back to the city." He begged gently.
Weary for a moment, as if she might of reconized him, she agreed and he hopped inside.
Silence elevated like a bed of nails scaping against the walls and then she finally spoke.
" Were you in some sort of accident?" she asked cautiously as not knowing the man.
A deep breath to relax his hardening muscles and chasing demons he replied softly.
" Something like that.."
" Well its a holy blessing I showed up, the sun is just setting." she remarked.
She was right , it was and he could see the beautifully cursed moon in a distance, dressed in a pearly hue of crescent.
Staring at it's symbolic fashion, he allowed a single tear to slip and thought of the brother he had to bury.
It was an accident, he told himself, it was!
As he leaned back on the torn threaded chair, he glared as a crestfallen misery and speculate if the moon was an accident too.....
Chapter 1 Prevalent Storms- Nick by delicate_creature
As the tumble off the tour bus roared across the colorless highways, AJ kept flicking his pen against the walls in a way to immediately annoy me.
I didn't even fathom the idea to share a bus with him...ever since...
" Hey dude, have you talked to your therapist? I thought she was supposed to be on the road with us?" AJ asked with a smirk of humor plastering on his wicked face.
AJ had his tour with us, but I refused, for fear of society to banish us both on a horrible island for the insane.
" No." I simply grumbled hoping he would just completely change subjects.
AJ stared at me with a shocked but stern expression and for a moment I wanted to either to burst out in maddening laughter or to dissever myself into weakened forces and cry.
Ever since we were diagnosed, AJ before me but hey who is counting right?
But anyway, we have been trying to confront our struggles on a day to day routine. Therapy helped and so do medication.... even though I was seriously close to cease taking them.
Or shove them all down my pathetic throat.
The bitters, as I like to call them, are my fifth set of medication I was put on. The others didn't seem to work, and I intrude the feeling of hopelessness.
Of course, AJ was doing quite better and only had a few episodes every now and then, but he is intent on battling this fierce war.
" Come on Nicky....you can at least try you know." he said matter of fact tone.
My fist filthy in anger.
My entire body fevered within a disturbance I could not handle.
Then all at once hell became my salvation for an entire minute...stranded beneath the concept that I was never going to be well again.
And I hated myself for it.
" FUCK OFF!!!!" I screamed barreling towards AJ in much velocity I never knew I possess.
Fist was the weapon.
AJ my target.
Just when I was ready to shoot my bullet Kevin sauntered into the room right on time.
" What the fuck Nick! NOO!" he yelled and seized my hand before it made any sort of contact.
AJ was dumbfounded on how animal-like I was now. His rendering fear was fearful to abandon his face.
Kevin wrapped me from behind after I calmed down some and faced me towards him and bone-crushed me in the tightest hug you would ever believe.
My therapist suggested the fellas to practice this weird and tight bubbled ritual to help release my episodes whenever it had gone this far.
I also hated this.
" That's good Nicky...just calm down...shh..."
I gasped for any clean air to fill within my body to be the man that was not meant to belong in a threatening fury of mental illness.
My head fell onto the crook of Kevin’s neck as I began to harshly cry, my voice drowned out everything else that was existent.
Kevin’s grip loosened a bit and started to rub my back in small circles, hushing my sorrow to another place. AJ, still stricken, watched as he comforted me and tried his best to normalize our situations even if it means interrupting the importance of our cruel nature. As he released me slowly, he starred into my eyes with his emerald greens and imagine the infliction I was forced to suffer with…trying to understand it.
“Are you all better now?” he asked calm and somehow, I lost my ability to speak and only gifted him with a slight nod of my head.
“Good…. now get ready. We are about to head in the next city.” He spoke quietly as he left the room in a hurry. I turned to face AJ and realized he had tears in his eyes. It was glistening like sunlight on freshly pressed snow and it broke me to see him like that.
“Jay…” I started, and he turned around and went in the same direction as Kevin. I was left standing there, unsure what my next move will be as if I was a worthless. I am the pawn and chess are life for no matter how many moves I make, I always seem to lose perspective.
We trolled off the bus and was met with a warming sensation of the state of Florida. Palm trees were swaying their beaks gently and I felt a sense of relaxation as we made our way to the fancy hotel. As Kevin went to the desk to receive the keys to our room, I was met with another teeming thought that always happened whenever we enter anywhere. You see Kevin makes sure him and the fellas each had a keycard to my room, you know in case of emergencies. It was for any type situation and to basically babysit me. I growled within of jealousy for AJ did not even needed to do this although he used to.
“Here everyone…your keycards. Nick you’re going to be between Brian and I.” He said as if he was not even asking but just stating the topic of it. I grumbled lowly and reluctantly took my keys and headed for my room. We had a few hours until soundcheck, so I had plenty of peace to work with. When I was about to enter my room, Brian jogged behind me till he caught up. Momentarily, he watched as I slide my door opened very aware of his presence. I tried to ignore him but then he coughed a little to try to obtain my attention. I sighed slowly and faced whatever it was he had to torment me with.
“So, um….” He began trying to piece the words together enough to not upset me.
“What happened on the bus?” he poked bluntly. I was always able to reveal myself to Brian no matter the situation but now it just seems the possibility was out of reach. It wasn’t even known how I should answer that. I suddenly found the bluish grey carpet to be interesting when I responded to him.
“It was nothing Bri, just the fucked up usual me.” I replied casually but I knew Brian was not going for it.
“Frack…come on… I am like your twin brother.” He laughed to lighten the mood. I only shrugged and entered my room in a haste and of course he followed.
“Listen please! I am worried for…” But I cut him off before he even finished this strange infliction he bellowed.
“I AM FINE ALLRIGHT!!! THIS IS NOT EASY YOU KNOW!!” I yelled, and Brian took a step back as if I had offended his entire being. He glanced downwards and sighed deeply for he had no more left to say, the leftover in an afterthought that would soon come.
“I’m sorry Frick…I just…need some time.” I finished and with a nod he left and on point my watch flashed and beeped which only means it was time to swallow the bitters. I swiftly filled a cup of water and doled out my meds in a tragic act to save me…. I angrily translated these my only hope I could ever hold on…even if it means to someday die with dignity. I swept them beneath my throat and lie down for a little nap to hopefully disconnect my nerves. At the concept of death, I lie in my bed, a puzzling smile crept on my face as I nourish this ache……
I did not make known when a noteworthy beeping and the door sliding in an ability as a metallic sound. I was shaken awake by Kevin whom peered down at me in a concern manner, his eyebrows arched together like a referring caterpillar.
“Hey little bro…it is time to get ready.” He softly raked his fingers across me as if I was some sort of map he was driving to figure out. I blinked in mercy a got up to find my shirt as I was only clad in my jeans still. Kevin lapped his hand on my back and looked at me gracefully waiting for some sort of answer. When I was done I left without a single slip of word and went towards the sound check and then the concert. AJ did not even acknowledge my soul at all and I felt a verdict weighing between us that was not so easily forgiven.
“Hey…let’s break a leg shall me?” I mustered, and AJ flashed a fluent flare that made me think our relationship will never be the same.
“Yeah you too…” he honestly said as the violet curtain drifted up, lights seeping like liquid across all five of use and resisting my urge to carry this death of me any longer.
Chapter 2 The Asking Vein-AJ by delicate_creature
I did not want to feel this thunder coming undone around me.
I did not speak what was leftover within the storm.
I hated him in a way....and...
never did this ever cease.
After the show, we hung out outside the buses, a cigarette loosely drifting on my small lips. The encouraging smoke escaping as it always shall remain....I wish I could too.
After that blowout between Nick and I....I wasn't even sure how to address him now. I felt as if I was a foolery in this game we were elevating.
A chance that we can both meet into an intersecting compass where one way would rather seem better than the other.
I was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety a while ago.
At first I felt my inner demons clawing at me with their bone-filled thoughts as if I was suffocating without realizing the damage. Then I slowly became cradled with the prospects of actually doing a rectifying way to ease myself, and the people that I love.
After all...it was 2010.....flaws were meant to change...well at least I had hoped so.
Nick was diagnosed after me. We all originally noted it was from excessive drinking or drugs.
But then the hallucinations happened.
I can never forget my first encounter with it.
We were all at a hotel someone in empty city Germany where Nick ran into the room, mind you naked, and screaming how the aliens took a hold of his brain and he can no longer do anything.
It took Kevin a lot of muster to calm him down and made sure he went to see a doctor tomorrow. It was the very first time though I was truly scared.
Because not only my own illness was out there, it seemed to not even tulip to what Nick has.
I felt an obsession of tears naturally drain along my face when I heard his obstacles.
His medication slightly differ than my own but I still felt a sense of pity filling my insides as if it was a funeral for my misery.
Though at times I hated him, I still find myself still sun-lighting my love for him.
As we boarded the bus, Nick went directly to his bunk and quickly shut his curtain, clearly wanting to be alone.
I sighed and sunk myself onto the couch and popped a movie in.
Suddenly my watched started yelling at me and knew it was time to take my meds.
I rolled out the few I needed, swiped them down my throat along with some water and felt content for what seemed like eternity.
I glanced towards Nick's bunk and briefly wondered if Nick took his meds. I always hindered at the mindset that he has been skipping them, passionate enough to apply the fact that he has not.
I frowned simply for the sport off his pain.
A couple hours into the revolving slow movie, Nick finally came out and was in tears.
I grabbed the remote and paused as he stood there unsure what his next move would be. His once blue eyes darkened with the plague, red rimmed with a belief that he was indeed a monster. He sniffled a minute then just stared like a deafeaning factor that he was no longer normal...no more of a saint that he once was.
" Nicky?" I inquired and he just leaped onto my lap and buried his head along my shoulder and weeped like the mother's cry.
" Jay! Jay!..Im....I'm...soo....sorrryyy!" he sputtered and I only held him tighter.
" its okay buddy, I know how it..." and before I even finished Nick snapped his head back and glared....death was among me.
" YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!" he snarled and threw himself back to the point where he barreled himself hard against the wall, resulting in him yelping in pain.
I crouched down a few feet and held out my hand like a lonely flower, able and ready to be loved.
I know he needed that much more than ever.
" Please Nick....let me help." I stated slowly and he looked up to me as a dying man awaiting his becoming feast.
I knew...someway..somehow..he was defiantly starving.
" There coming for me..." he whispered carefully as though he did not want anyone else to hear.
" Who is?" I asked and he just sunk his face back unto his hands and I was left with a lingering malice that was both artless and beautiful.
The next honoring hope in dawn spoke through curtains as I eerily raised myself from my place and felt a weird weight along me.
He was sleeping peacefully...for once. His blonde dreads smothered his face, his mouth agape open as if to protest some kind of meaning.
I smiled down at him, wondering the murdering written across his own being and solely wished it wasn't him.
But for me instead.
Groaning, I waited carefully not to wake him and made my way to the bathroom.
All order seemed to drown me.
And there was no way to escape the servant tides.
"Jay?" Nick asked sleepily across the door and I opened to find him rubbing his eyes child-like.
" Yea buddy?"
He smiled sheepishly and continued to his task like it was a noteworthy thing.
" Can we get some breakfast?" he asked...sounding almost guilty beneath the tone carrying in his voice.
" Of course man." I simply replied as we hurried down to the cafeteria in the musty hotel.
Nick walked in front and again I made a smooth yet harsh penning to ask myself for him....
Did he take his meds today and if not, what phase will his moon lies beneath.
His vein pulsed with curdled blood, with waxing grins above in red....
Chapter 3 A begging off a haste * Nick's POV and Aj's* by delicate_creature
sorry I have not updated....busy at work then the flu leaped into our house unnoticed and just plain drama....hope you enjoy!
I shouldn't have done this..but yet an angry crimson mark took form.
Tears fallen like a forgotten storm. But I angrily raised my wrist again, to assault the other and multiple was the time that seethes me.
Panting, as I dropped the silver reminder that the pain was seeping too deeply within my skin...long enough to curse the battles yet untold. A soft knock came upon my door as I frantically shoved away all my markings to death.
They do not need to know...
" I'M COMING!!!" I yelled and made sure nearly all my supplies were cleaned up.
I ruffled myself so soundly as I answered the begging door. I was met with eyes that almost matched my pain but rather seething in a way of worry.
" Nicky..." Brian started as I held back my honest urges to just give into the thunder. it's loud void of noises I could never compute and the lightening was the friendly neighbor.....reminding me I was whole for even once.
" I;m fine Bri...just going through some thing.." I answered and Brian looked at me with every certain of the doubt. He sighed and lowered himself on me as a gentle hug. I embraced it but naturally I wanted to scream and run to the hills for my pills sake.
" No your not.....please Nicky..." he pleaded as I saw a turn of a whirlwind tears threaten his eyes. My own body felt numb and immediately thought about the cut marks as if I was making cookies out of my own soul to share.
I found myself losing my breath..anxiety kicked into overgear as I sway gently..about to descend.
" Nick?" Brian begged as the last round of my energy turned into a middle finger as my eyes fluttered to the back of my head...my world in complete darkness.
"WHAT HAPPENED!!!" Kevin roared as though the faint voices were not enough for me to bear...somehow I faltered within their lines.
" he just.....I don't know!!" A frantic Brian equipped himself with the possibility that does not seem to match his.
Kevin basically crawled over Nick and completely sobbed upon him like a crescent nightmare.
I thought of the moon and knew yet well what I should do.
" AJ!!!!!" Voices beckoned me though the understanding was not completely criminal but also in contempt for what was I about to do to utterly save him.
I drove what felt like miles into my journey where my heart shifted a bit at mine ..
BROOKS OWN HEART..it read
A mental institution for Nick....he needed to be a force from the ever glowing storm! A hell that was deathly crawling within his skin as I mounted the entrance with that soul into fact. My palm heaved in dispute, sweat borrows my forehead for the moment and realized the deep I was about to amount in this hole we call Nick.
" How may I help you?" I friendly woman said as I took a deep sigh like my last breath.
"I need you...." For a moment I honestly believed I could not but I did so.
.A silent breath left me and his name escapes upon that. My brows immensely rubbed together countering this horrible decision.
" I need for you to help my friend out..before....before he dies!" I sobbed as the other nurses crowded around me to entail more information.
All I thought was that he was going to hate me one way or the other....but yet though my reason remains as is...
...I love him...........
Chapter 4 Prayers in the Masses by delicate_creature
I sat idly in my seat in the crummy van as I was taken to my next destination without any kind of warning to seethe me.
Anger could not even begin to steam out from within me and how AJ could ultimately betray everything I thought we had an understanding for.
Brian accompanied me and I felt his hand lightly touching my shoulder, anxiety getting in the way...shadows of flames protruding against my wall. I glanced up watching the green-filled scenery gulping in my mind that was recently reckless. My wrists still burning from the assault I caused, a tear soon found a trail and fled towards its comforting nest.
The ride was mostly a quiet one and although I must admit that I have a love and a hatred towards silence, I felt relived for once.
I leaned heavily on the window, misting a little from the soft rain spreading outside and I could not help but think they were praying for not only for myself but others like me.
" Nicky...." Brian spoke for the first time since we piled into the van feeling a sense of worry beneath his southern voice. My dull eyes never completing his own.
He then grabbed both my trembling hands and slowly rubbed them, trying to reassure me that everything was going to come in circle eventually.
I've had my doubts.
" Listen...I know your upset and scared but know that we are going to be here for you..no matter what." He gently said and finally looked deeply at him, contemplating what I should say next.
My only response was a swift nod as we reached to the place AJ suggested will actually help me.
A question still thirsts upon my lips. I couldn't even help but to let them out in a solemn string that would accompany me later on.
" What about the tour?" I asked quietly and Brian just gave an astonished appearance.
" We are not worried about that at the moment..what matters NOW is to get the help you need." he answered causing me to turn the other direction.
" Oh sure! And what will the fans say...or the media!!!" I exclaimed slightly in rage, the other was more concern than anything else I could not keep sacred.
" Again Nicky....we will handle all of that...its going to be fine."
I grumbled as we got out taking out a couple of bags and started to walk towards this place.
BROOKS OWN HEART the sign read as I snorted thinking this sounded more of a cheap love song than an institution.
When we reached the front desk, a short but beautiful woman quickly smiled as another admission of comfort.
" Hello! How may I help you today?" Even her voice was sweet and dripping of honey. My heart fluttered but took a hold of my posture.
Luckily Brian spoke up for me.
" Yes um....we are admitting my friend here..Nick..." He stuttered wondering if he was just as nervous as me.
" Oh yes! I remember from Mr. Mcleans account...follow me and I will show you to your room.
The hallway was narrow and covered in a variety shades of blue. It as spotless clean as well as I drink in my surroundings.
I took note of the people around me and some are around my age, others were a lot older. This one man slumped against the walls and counting backwards to himself.
Suddenly I lost all sense of who I was and why I was even here.
We reached my room which was smaller than what I'm used to, simply designed with a bed, a desk with a lamp, paper and pencils, a couple of books.
I threw my bags on my bed as the nurse spoke again.
" So we will have group meetings and various activities throughout the day. We have a tight schedule which we will later explain to you as you get comfortable. Do you have any questions?" She asked politely as I could not get over her lovely voice.
" No." I answered weakly and left the room, giving Brian and I a chance to say goodbye.
He sighs as he snaked his hand through his short hair and gave me a sheepish smile.
" Nick...." He began while I quickly cut him off.
" Bri...it's ok, you guys were right. Maybe this is just what I needed."
Brian approached me and gave me a bone-crushing hug and I grabbed onto in full force not ready for him to leave me just yet. I dipped my head into his shoulders and implode into tears and sobs I did not confirm.
" Shhh....It will be all right buddy, we will all visit you ok?" As he cupped my face in his hands and I nodded again, resisting my voice. I wiped away the tears as Brian left.
I sat on my bed waiting for the beautiful nurse to come back. My hands playing with each other as I grew bored and finally laid down...closing my eyes...dreaming existence to become aware the wounds never to be revealed itself among a dying refuge.
I woke up with a soft knock on the door and my eyes adjusting to the darkness. Have I slept that long?
" Nick? Are you up to eating?" A voice I did not know ask me. Must be a new nurse I thought.
" Um...sure I guess.." I replied as she came over with a tray and a couple of cups which I didn't know at first what it contains.
This nurse was beautiful like the last one and I could not help and smirk at various nurses that worked here. I think I am going to get used to this place after all.
She set down the tray and the pit of my stomach turned as I saw the cups I questioned before contains a small amount of water and a few pills.
The other guys didn't know but I abruptly stop taking my medication which probably would explain why I have done the awful deeds I had known to love.
I glanced down at my wrist which Kevin wrapped for me and stared at them so long I forgot the nurse was still in the room.
" Would you like me to re-bandage that?" She asked and I shook my head. Loneliness is what I truly needed right now.
" Ok sweetie, my name is Delilah and if you need anything do not hesitate to ask." She calmly said as I started to eat my dinner while she gave me the rundown on tomorrow's task.
She mentioned group meetings which naturally I was afraid to do seeing how I was never really open into talking about it never mind within a group of strangers.
I thought about the possibility of anyone recognizing me but simply threw that out.
As I finished and the facilities bedtime a ways away, I sauntered over to the desk.
The pens and pencils glittering as I took one along with paper and started to write down the war that I had fought for way too long and did not want to lose....not this time at least.
As a smile spread across my face, I was passionate to be able to overcome this!
Losing myself upon my writings I didn't notice when Delilah came back to remind me it was bedtime.
Tucking away the several pages of this, I undressed and promptly lie down in my bed, my words just written still fresh in my head.
Unfortunately when it comes to war, there is always a peace before the thunder and knew very well this amazing feeling will not indeed last.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.