I. Beige: a variable color averaging light grayish-yellowish brown
A. Lacking Distinction

His life was essentially over. At 41, the world as he knew it was ending and he would never be able to come back from this. Admittedly, it had only just started making sense again after he'd fucked it up so royally he didn't think it would ever be fixed. And then when everything was finally lining out, he finally was back on his feet and things were progressing well, then he'd went and done something so damn stupid to blow it all back up again. What the hell was wrong with him? Was he incapable of being a functional adult? Controlling himself? Apparently not.

Six years ago he thought he'd had it all figured out. Thought the problem not only with himself, but also with his marriage was simply burn out. Too many years with his heels to the grind, pushing and pushing to make his dreams come true and then they did and everything for once was great. They were on top of the world. Five untouchable men, creating magic and smashing records left and right. But with that fame and fortune came incredible hard work. Living out of tour busses and hotel rooms, never having any down time or time for himself let alone his marriage took its toll. After so many years of pushing forward with no break he felt like things were spiraling out of control. So he decided to quit, to leave the only thing he'd ever loved to go back home to Kentucky to try to not only fix his marriage, but himself.

For a while, it seemed to work. He could breathe easier in the crisp air of the South. He spent time with his family, his horses. He and Kristen spent time together, grew closer and Kevin finally started to see what could be. But then the monotony had set in. Being at home, being with her, it all got to be too much. He missed his friends, his brothers, the fans. This new life, while it provided the break he thought he so desperately needed, it was also incredibly boring. While Kentucky was and would always be home, it didn't have the thrill or allure that touring provided. He craved the hustle and bustle of a new city each night, seeing the county, the world. He felt trapped and suffocated at home, not only by his wife, his marriage but also by his choices. This life he'd decided to pursue was bland. It didn't have anything to offer him, not truly, and how could it. It didn't have him.

He was so incredibly lonely, but he couldn't say that out loud. He talked to the guys every now and then when they had time. He wasn't used to being on the outside of things looking in. He celebrated their successes and hurt at their failures. After six months he'd known he had made a terrible mistake. He’d pushed the thought down, tried to forget how he felt, tried to forget him. It was impossible. The love Kevin felt for him, had always felt for him, was imprinted on him so deeply he didn’t think it could ever be scrubbed clean. He cried when he found out they were going back into the studio to begin recording again. Recording without him. He was heartbroken, which was ridiculous considering he knew they would continue on without him and honestly he wanted them too. He just didn't realize how badly it would hurt to see them continue on without him. But it was then in the dawning realization of what he had done that she came to him and asked for a baby. How could he deny her? After everything he'd put her though, was still putting her through, without her even knowing. He barely summoned the strength to nod his head and then she was throwing herself into his arms and hugged him so tightly he thought he’d never breathe again. It wasn’t until she’d been gone from the room that Kevin realized he still couldn’t breathe and wondered if he’d ever be able to do so again.

And he hadn’t, not really, at least not like before. It had taken a while for them to get pregnant, and while he was outwardly elated when the test came back positive, on the inside he was crumbling. They were fighting all the time and pulling away from each other. Every time she tried to get closer he pushed her further back. Their marriage was fractured, irreplaceable he was afraid and a baby wasn’t going to fix anything. It couldn’t fix this, fix him.

Sometime during the pregnancy she’d found out. Discovered his dirty little secret. She’d stumbled upon him, curled up on the sofa in the den, tears streaming silently down his cheeks and a framed photo of him tucked tightly against his chest. She’d fallen to her knees, prying the cherished frame out of the death grip he had on it. She took only a moment to examine the contents before her own silent tear slipped from her eye and rolled down her cheek. It splashed onto the frame and she quickly wiped it off before sitting the frame on the floor beside her and gathering the sobbing man into her arms. They’d stayed like that until the sun peeked through the partially closed curtains. No words were spoken, just the quiet understanding passing between them that they could no longer pretend, they could no longer go on like this.

She’d brushed the hair off his sweaty forehead and kissed it gently before drawing herself up on her feet, a little shaky with the weight of the baby and her own exhaustion. She told him she was going to her parents, that they would figure out what to do in a few weeks. And with a slight kiss against his chapped and swollen lips she was gone. She left him with a broken heart, a pile of guilt and an unrequited love that was slowly killing him from the inside.

II. Khaki: having a light, yellowish-brown color �”used especially of cloth

The evidence was right in front of him. Hell, the evidence would be right in front of everyone as soon as they opened their proofing packet sent over from the photographer. How could he have been this stupid. Kevin had done a lot of stupid things over the years, he had many regrets in life. But this, this one took the cake. Maybe because he’d finally let it slip, let the polished mask he’d been perfecting for years slip at the very worst possible time and then it had been captured and immortalized. His desire, his longing, his humiliation. He was a dead man. They would kill him once they saw this, he would see this.

The thought alone made Kevin’s knees go weak and he sagged down onto the leather sofa in his hotel room, no longer able to support his own weight. He thought he was adjusting well to being back, being part of something again. He thought he was handling being around Nick again with grace and restraint, but obviously not enough it seemed.

Kevin flipped through the stack of photos to be proofed once more until the shocking photo resurfaced at the front of the pile. At first glance, it was a gorgeous photo. It was done in hues of brown, black and grey. They all looked the best he thought they had in years, the first photoshoot of them being a quintet again, Backstreet's back! Genuine smiles instead of the forces masks they usually wore. It was hard to contain their happiness if having this again, this time with each other to help their fractured group be whole. It would have been a perfect photo if it wasn’t for the fact that Kevin’s head was turned, no longer focusing at all on the camera or the photographer, but instead, focused squarely on the youngest band member. Nick. His Nick.

Kevin could remember the day vividly. They had only been officially back together for less than a month and in that time they’d only ever all been together three or four times, hell they’d barely had any time to talk let alone do anything else. Kevin was still adjusting to the schedule, trying to find his place in the group again. He was trying to juggle time with his son outside of the group but most of all he’d been trying desperately to find a way to be around Nick all the time without the pain settling in his chest. The photoshoot had sprang up last minute and they’d jumped at the chance to get some official photos of them all together again, the way it always should have been. The shoot had been going great, they finally had the pick of their outfits, no more matching jerseys or any of the other ridiculous outfits they’d been forced to wear when they were first starting out.

He’d sat through hair and make up, making idle chit chat with the stylist while his eyes scanned the room, quickly, desperately trying to find the young blonde. He felt like a drowning man looking for a source of water. Once he located him he settled back in the chair, content to gaze at him from across the room while Nick got his own makeup done. From this vantage point he could watch Nick all he wanted without anyone even realizing. He felt himself relax, watching the way Nick’s eyes crinkled as he laughed. He’d grown up a lot in the six years since they’d parted ways. Kevin tried to reconcile the Nick he’d known and loved to the golden god sitting a few feet away. It didn’t seem possible that Nick had only grown more attractive, even sexier in the time that they’d been apart. If he thought it was hard to stay away from him before, it was damn near impossible now.

Kevin’s fingers itched to touch the khaki blonde hair, finally free of the harsh bleaching that management usually forced Nick to do. Kevin preferred his natural blonde color. It was more real and all Nick. Kevin found it incredibly sexy. Hell, who was he kidding. Everything about Nick was sexy. He sighed heavily as Nick jumped from the makeup chair and ran out of Kevin’s eyesight. He hoped this shoot would go quickly and he could lock himself in his hotel room, if nothing else, to get his damn hormones under control.

They’d taken several photos together before the photographer called a break and asked that they do some single shots. They nodded their agreement and separated, Howie going first. Kevin dropped down on a sofa, grabbing a bottle of water as he went. He tore it open and tilted his head back, his eyes fluttering closed as he drank greedily at the cool liquid. He jumped slightly when he felt the other end of the couch shift. He opened his eyes and almost dropped the water bottle when his eyes focused on the blonde beside him. Nick had given him a shy smile and settled himself back into the arm of the couch.

“Hope you don’t mind the intrusion. We’ve not had much time together, just you and me since you came back.” Nick said softly.

Kevin smiled softly. “No we’ve kind of been in a rush haven’t we. I keep thinking we will eventually have some time to sit back and catch our breath but it never seems to happen.”

“I missed you.”

The words were so quiet Kevin wasn’t even sure he’d heard them. He looked closer and watched the blush spread over the other man’s cheeks. Kevin felt his heart leap at the sight. He tried to speak but couldn’t get his throat to form words. He tried to clear it, coughed a couple of times and gave Nick a weak smile. “I missed you too,” he managed to choke out.

“Nick! Your turn!’ Howie yelled as he stepped down off the platform they were being photographed on.

Nick frowned and sighed as he pushed himself up off the couch and made his way to the photographer. Kevin watched him go, his heartbeat never slowing to a normal rhythm.

III. Tan: a light yellowish brown
A. a brown color imparted to the skin especially by exposure to the sun

It had taken more than an hour to cycle through all the individual photos before the photographer brought them back together for more group shots. The entire time Kevin had been waiting for his turn he had played Nick's words over and over in his mind. Did he miss him as a friend, brother? What was it? The look that had crossed Nick's face had seemed so much more than that, but before Kevin could even begin to ask questions Nick had been called away and Kevin was once again left to watch him from afar. He'd kept his eyes on the blonde the entire time he was getting his individual shots taken. Nick's tan, golden skin seemed to glow under the photography lights. Kevin longed to touch him, hug him, even if he had to do it under the guise of friendship.

They had hugged three times exactly since Kevin had signed on the dotted line to return. The first one had been the best. Nick had known he was coming to meet with them and their lawyers, but the hug Kevin had found himself in, in the middle of the conference room still played on a loop in his mind. The moment Nick had entered the room he'd made a mad dash for Kevin, almost knocking him to his feet and squeezing him so tight Kevin found it difficult to breathe. It could also have been because he was finally, rightfully inside the arms he loved so much. He had buried his face against Nick’s neck and took several deep breaths, breathing in the scent of the younger man and trying desperately to keep his tears under control. He wasn't going to stand here and cry in the middle of the lawyers office. Kevin had no idea how long they had stood like that, wrapped up in each other. When they pulled away the other three were shooting them suspicious looks, Brian's eyes darkening as he shot look after look at Kevin. Nick had blushed then too and bounded over to a chair beside Brian. The meeting had gone on and at the end, Nick had darted out the door, robbing Kevin of any chance of conversation with him.

Kevin finished off the bottle of water and crinkled the plastic in his hand as he watched Nick throw back his head and laugh at something the photographer said. Nick must have been getting a lot of sun. His skin was darker, a rich tan color that Kevin couldn't remember ever seeing decorating his skin. He wondered how Nick's tattoos looked adorned upon the luscious skin. Would it feel like silk if he touched it? Would it feel as baby soft as he remembered? Not that he'd ever been able to touch Nick intimately, but even just a shoulder squeeze or the brush of a cheek had allowed Kevin to feel the softness of the younger man.

Finally it was his turn to be photographed. He tried to concentrate, moving and posing as requested. His eyes jumped from fact to face, searching out the blue eyes of the younger man. There. He was leaning against the way on the far side of the room showing AJ something on his phone. Their heads tilted together and laughing. That smile had haunted his dreams, more so after Kristin left and he had to get used to sleeping alone again. Every time he closed his eyes those blue ones would appear, piercing his soul and calling out to him. Honestly, they were one of the main reasons Kevin had finally felt the push be needed to move forward, to call and plead his case and beg to come back. He needed to see those eyes again, have the chance to look deep into them, get lost in them. It didn't matter that they would never look back at him the same way, just looking at them was enough.

With his shots done it was time to come together for the last of the group shots. The photographer placed them on the platform, moving them around trying to get the right balance of light and shadow. Finally content with where they were placed the photographer asked him to put his arms around the two closest to him. He was standing directly in the back of the group, he had a large wingspan, but not one long enough to get around Nick and AJ. Instead he placed his hand on both of their shoulders. His right hand on AJ and his left hand on Nick. He curled his fingers close to Nick's neck, feeling the steady rhythm of Nick's pulse underneath his fingertips. It was invigorating. Nick turned and looked at him, giving him a small smile before turning and focusing on the camera, a grin spreading across his face. Kevin looked longingly at him, wishing for just a moment Nick would turn back around so he could see those blue eyes once again.

It was in that moment, that heart wrenching, incredibly personal moment that the photographer had captured the photo that would ruin his life.

IIII. Chocolate: a brownish gray

Slumped back against the back of the couch Kevin tossed the photos on the seat cushion and closed his eyes. He wondered how long he had until someone undoubtedly pounded on his door. He racked his brain trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for the photo. Maybe he could claim that they'd been in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of laughing about something and the photographer just so happened to catch them in the act. That didn't make much sense as Nick's smile was aimed straight at the camera. Kevin sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. What the hell was he going to do?

He wasn't really worried about anyone else seeing the photo. While it exposed Kevin more than he'd like, people who didn't know him, the public, the fans they wouldn't be able to read it as well as the other four guys would. The moment any of them saw it, saw his face it would be all over. They would be able to see how he felt, spelled out as clear as day.

His feelings for Nick had started so long ago he couldn't even pinpoint them if he had to. It had started out innocent at first like all these things tended to be. He had been a constant source of love, encouragement and support for the younger man as he grew from a gangly teenager into the man he was today. Kevin had watched it all happen, helped mold it and somewhere along the way his feelings had become deep, rich and thick like chocolate. He'd lived with them for so long now that he honestly couldn't tell what his life was like without it. And now because of one stupid mistake, now they would all know, without him ever having uttered a single word. All because he couldn't keep his poker face up and had allowed his love to spread like wildfire across his features as he gazed lovingly at the other man. What was he going to do?

It would either be Brian or Howie at his door first. It all really depended on who opened their packet first. He knew Nick and AJ hated approving photos and always took the longest to go through them so he was probably safe until at least tomorrow or even the day after. They weren't due back to the photographer until the following week. He knew Howie, just like him, preferred to get them approved right away, liked to have a clear slate so to speak and didn't like owing work to anyone. Brian was hit or miss on how quickly he would get the work done but since he was alone on the road for the time being, Kevin figured he would probably use the work to keep him company. Kevin had found the packet as soon as he got back to his hotel room. He figured he had a couple of hours tops before someone was banging at the door, demanding answers. He almost wished it would be Howie first. Maybe talking things over with Howie would give him time to come up with a credible excuse. Brian had always been suspicious, dropping more hints and suggestions for Kevin's liking. And it wouldn't take much to push Brian over the edge. He couldn't even think of how Brian would react. Out of the three of them, he figured Brian would take it the worst, Nick not included. Kevin couldn't even begin to think about facing the younger man.

Hell, the rest of the guys didn't even know he was divorced. There hadn't been a lot of time to discuss such things and he didn't want to get into it during the short amount of time they actually got to spend together. Brian knew, but didn't know the full story, just the boilerplate one they had fed to their families. It wasn't working out, they had tried but they were better off friends.

And they had tried. After Mason was born they had moved back in together and gave it another chance. Not even a month after Mason was born it was painfully clear to both of them that regardless of how they had felt about each other initially, the love that has pushed them to get married, was gone. They were truly better off as friends. They lived together for another couple of years, raising Mason together, separate bedrooms and still doing everything as a team. Then she'd come to him and confessed the arrangement they'd worked so hard to perfect wasn't working for her any longer. They had split amblically, officially filing for divorce when Mason was four. Suddenly he was alone in the giant house, taking Mason every other day and opposite weekends as their divorce proceedings inched further and further along. It was only after the ink finally dried on the decree that she told him to call, to reach out to them and go back.

"How am I supposed to do that? What about Mason?"

"What about him?" she'd countered. "Kevin, you're miserable. You've been miserable for years. He needs his father to be happy more than he needs to see you every other day. Sure, it's going to be hard and he's going to miss you, but we will figure something out. You won't get to see him as often but I'll never keep him from you. When you're in a city more than a night or so I'll bring him to you. I love you, you have to know that by now, but you can't keep going on this way. Call them. Go back to your life. We'll figure out the logistics."

It had been the push he so desperately needed. He called Howie the next day and they began talking about the possibilities. Howie had been shocked, but elated to hear from him. He assured Kevin over and over again that his rightful place had always been in the group and all four of them had meant it when they said the door was always open. While Kevin had been terrified of rejection, he also knew this was what he had to do. So a week later he'd kissed his son goodbye and hopped a plane to Orlando to meet with the rest of the guys and restart his life. It has been the best decision he ever made, until he'd fucked it all up.

He was startled out of his reverie by a knock at the door. His heart leapt in his chest. It was too soon. He hadn't come up with a plausible excuse yet. How could someone already be here? His heart thudded in his chest as he weighed his options. Maybe if he was really quiet he could pretend he wasn't even in the room and whoever was knocking would come back later, giving him some additional time to come up with a response.

"Kevin, I know you're in there. Open the damn door."

Brian. Shit. Maybe this was completely unrelated to the photos. Maybe he was just lonely and wanted to hang out? Kevin stood, his head swimming as he made his way to the door. The last thing he needed was Brian causing more noise in the hallway and drawing the attention of the others. He took a deep breath before opening the door.

"What can I do for you cuz?" he asked breezily as he opened the door.

Brian gave him a hard look and pushed past him into the room. Kevin sighed inwardly. Well this wasn't going to be a friendly visit. He hesitated briefly. Thoughts of dashing down the hallway and leaving Brian alone in the hotel room danced in his mind. This caused a small smile to spread. While it would be hilarious, it would do nothing to soothe the angered expression on the younger man's face. Kevin closed the door and then turned to face him.

"What can I do for you?"

Brian crossed his arms over his chest and stared at him for several seconds before answering.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the blue eyes darkened.

Kevin gave him a quizzical look. "Tell you what?"

Kevin crossed his own arms, trying to give himself a sense of comfort. He could feel the questioning coming. Brian knew. He'd seen the photos and was ready to hash it all out, here and now. He'd play it cool, try to side step as much as possible and feel the other man out to see how much he thought he knew.

"That you love him."

Well shit. Kevin hadn't been expecting him to be so forthcoming. He figured they would dance around it a bit before he has to give Brian just enough information to get him off his back. Brian however seemed to have a different approach in mind. He blinked a couple of times, the stare down making his eyes itchy. He tried to remember where he'd last seen his eye drops. He would definitely need them after Brian left. Maybe he could still act oblivious, it was worth a shot.

"Love who? What are you talking about?"

Brian spun around, head turning around until his eyes landed on the packet of photos spread out all over the couch cushion. Taking two steps closer to the couch he picked the stack up. He flipped through the photos until he had it, that torturous photo, in his hands. He thrusted it in Kevin's face.

"Want to keep denying it now, or do you want to talk about it?"

"Do I have a choice?" Kevin asked with a small laugh. Well that answered that question. There would be no way out of this now.

Brian's eyes narrowed as he watched him. "No."

Kevin sighed and walked past Brian to resume his position on the couch. Brian watched for a second and then followed, taking a seat at the opposite end. Kevin sat, leaning forward so his arms rested gently across his knees.

"What do you want me to say here Brian?"

"I want you to tell me the truth. What the hell is this? How long has this been going on?"

Kevin sighed and laced his fingers together. "There's nothing going on."

"Bullshit."

Kevin gave him a look. "What I meant was, there's nothing going on between us. This is all me. He doesn't know, or he didn't until this." Kevin said gesturing towards the photo.

Brian's face softened. "He doesn't know?"

Kevin shook his head, unable to meet his eyes. "Kristin was the only one who knew, up until about an hour ago. Now you'll all know." Kevin's head dropped between his shoulders, slumping forward he tried to keep the tears from coming. He jerked slightly when he felt Brian's hand on his shoulder.

"Is this why you got divorced?"

Kevin nodded. "The main reason. There were others, but nothing compared to this."

They sat quietly for a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts. "I'm sorry Kev." Brian said softly.

Kevin nodded. "Thanks, but it's my fault. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was strong enough for this, but maybe I was just kidding myself."

Brian stayed quiet. Kevin could feel the other man's eyes on him, pity he was sure of it.

"What can I do?" Brian asked gently.

"There's nothing to do. They will all figure it out as soon as they see this. I have to own up to it. It's my fault, I did this. I'll come up with something to say to him if he brings it up and I'll try to be more careful in the future. I'm sorry."

Brian nodded. " Obviously we won't be approving this one, but maybe he won't even pay that close attention to it as he goes through them. I know Howie will catch it, but hopefully that's as far as it goes."

Kevin nodded. "Let's hope."

Brian stared at him for several more seconds before leaning over and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He squeezed him gently before pulling back and standing. "I'm always here for you Kev. No matter what. You don't have to hide things from me. I love you."

"I love you too," Kevin managed to choke out, his eyes fixed on a spot on the floor.

Brian slipped from the room without any further attention. Kevin closed his eyes and laid his head on the arm of the couch, stretching his long legs out down the length of it. One bullet dodged. Three more to go. Maybe Brian was right. Nick had a million good qualities, but his attention to detail had never been his strong suit. Perhaps he would quickly flip through the photos and never even take the time to see what was right there, printed in full color for the five of them to see.

Kevin closed his eyes as he shifted further into the couch. Suddenly the exhaustion he felt was overwhelming. Maybe if he closed his eyes and fell asleep he would wake up and this would all be some kind of dark nightmare. Maybe in the light of a new day, none of this would matter as much as it did right then. Maybe he was imagining the worst possible scenarios. He could only hope.