I was so tired that all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Management had been running me into the ground getting ready for the release of my solo album and I can honestly say it was finally catching up to me. Jive had gone back and forth with which album should come out first. Mine or the boys. They decided that mine would be first so I have been out on the town as "Nick the solo artist." I have to admit that at first it felt very foreign to me but now it's starting to feel a little more comfortable. The great part about working on the album was mainly the artistic freedom I enjoyed. I didn't have to argue with four other people to get my point across. It was nice. I feel like I have grown up in the last six months. Now I am going into this meeting with the boys. Pretty much the first time I am really getting together with them since I started work on my solo stuff. I'm a little apprehensive about it because I know things have changed between us. What I didn't realize at the time was how much things were about to change. I went into my hotel bathroom and splashed some water on my face and headed out to the studio to meet my long lost brothers.

---

I couldn't believe how fast my heart was beating in my chest. God you idiot, why are you so nervous? These people are your friends. Actually, more than your friends. They'll be happy to have you back with them again. There were those rumors though. Stupid press people, I hate picking up a magazine or hearing radio stations talk about how much the guys hate me and resent me for doing my solo thing. I try to block all of that out of my mind. The guys have never said anything bad about my decision to my face. True they weren't happy that I went a little off schedule but I had my reasons. Kevin had called me in Mid June when I failed to show up for a group meeting. "Where the hell are you Nickolas? we've been waiting here for two hours for you to show up. A bit inconsiderate don't you think?" I didn't know what exactly to say to him at the time so I was a little pissy."Jesus Kev, I'm a little busy and I couldn't make it out. What the hell is so important anyway?" "Oh only our album asshole! but you know what, screw you, you never give any good input anyway. We'll send you a transcript". Then he hung up on me. I felt bad after that and wanted to call him back and apologize but the thing is, with Kev, you need to give him time to cool down. Luckily later that evening he called back and apologized to me. That was pretty much the last time I talked to him or any of the guys. It's not like we don't want to talk it's just that everyone's busy. Me included.

I walked down the hall to hear a familiar laugh. Brain could guffaw with the best of them. I wasn't sure if I should knock before I entered the control room but it seemed so loud in there I decided to just let myself in.

"Hi guys" The laughter suddenly stopped and my greeting was met with a dead silence.

'Well, look who's here, the prodigal son has returned!!" Way to be sarcastic A. J

"Hi, Nick...you're late!"

'I know sorry about that but the traffic was bad..."

"That's funny, we came from the same area as you and we got here in time." After making his comment Kevin glared at me and then continued to look at notes written on the console. I stood there awkwardly not quite sure what to do next. Howie must have picked up on the fact that I felt lost, because he came up to me and gave me a hug.

"Come on over here and listen to the track we have been working on." He then led me over to the console and pressed a few buttons and the song come out blaring in the control room. It had a great dance beat but also a pretty heavy guitar groove and I was immediately pleased with what I heard.

"That's a great song, man I love the guitar riffs you put in there."

"Thanks Nick, Bri wrote that one. It was A.J's idea to use rock guitar" I was impressed so I went over to Brian where he seemed to be in a heated discussion with A.J

"Hi guys, great song." I then gave Brian a friendly pat on the back only to be met with a look of disgust.

"Thanks. A.J and I spent a lot of time on that one." He then grabbed A.J by the arm and the two of them walked out of the control room.

That was my big welcome back. The guys pretty much distanced themselves from me for the rest of the session which luckily didn't last too long. When we were ready to leave for the night, I heard Brian making plans with the rest of the guys to go to dinner and then head back to his place. I sat there waiting like a ten year old anticipating that at any moment I would get invited over to the popular kids house for a birthday party, but just like those scenarios, I was disappointed to see I was left out of the mix. The four of them then left together and I was left alone, staring at my feet. I left the studio, tracked down, my bodyguard Joe and headed back to my hotel room.

I sat in my hotel room that night with the lights out just thinking. When I was upset as a child, I used to like to be alone. Growing up in a house occupied by seven people, it was very hard to be alone let alone finding a quiet spot. I used to go into the bathroom, lock the door, sit on the floor and cry, occasionally stopping long enough to sort out my thoughts as to why I was upset in the first place. Now, here I was a grown man of 22, heading to the bathroom and doing the same thing. I locked myself in the bathroom and rocked back and forth trying to sort out what happened earlier that day.

I felt left out, but should I? I mean after all it was my idea to go solo right? I chose to leave them not; the other way around. I tried to make sense of the situation finally deciding that maybe this was something they had planned out for months. Brian was just in a pissy mood. Maybe they all were. I was just jumping to conclusions. Just like always.

I finally decided to leave the bathroom and figure out what to do tonight. I knew that if I stayed in the hotel all I would do is dwell on the guys.The problem is Joe wasn't going to let me leave, not after what's been happening....

Shortly after A.J went into rehab, I started to get the itch to go solo. The guys always brushed it off as being the wrong time and I never had the courage to argue with them. That all changed when they decided to fire management pretty much without consulting me. Being the youngest, I seldom had a hand in any of the big decisions made which affected the group generally just going with the flow and trusting them. I however was old enough to realize that I enjoyed being a part of the Firm and resented their decision to leave. I decided to take a stand and remain with them as a solo artist. True that the guys, particularly Brian, were not happy with the decision but since we were getting ready to go on a hiatus, they felt now was the best time for me to branch out.

That's when the threats started coming. Nothing major at first, mostly angry teeny bopper fans unhappy with my choice to "Destroy the band" I wouldn't really even call them threats. More like hate mail. "How could you do this to them, you traitor" Nothing like an understanding, supportive fan I always say. On the other end of the spectrum, I received actual gifts from NSync and Otown fans, thanking me for helping their bands. Why do people think we are competing against each other? Jeez Louise, I wish they would stop playing into the hype. It kind of makes me sick because I can see that the press is going to pit Justin and I against each other because we are both working on solo stuff. I like the guy. Do I listen to his music? hell no!! Do I listen to ours? Hell no!! NSync is doing better than us for one reason only. They have a better business sense then we do. Unfortunately, that's what this entire business boils down to. Sad but true.

So, I just tried my best to ignore the harsh words and go about my day. Trish, my personal assistant came up to me about a month ago with an alarmed look on her face.

"I think you better read this" she said and handed me an envelope with no return address.
Always a bad sign in pop star land. Most people gave you a return address along with a list of at least five numbers where they can be reached, you know, just in case you should decide to drop everything and run away with them. I normally wouldn't even bother looking at the obvious death threat except for the fact that Trish was so frazzled. I opened it up and I have to admit was a bit taken back by the particularly insane tone of the letter. It was one page long written in red marker, my guess is to simulate blood. There was nothing but jibberish written down. Tons of consonants with maybe a vowel thrown in for good measure. What was really scary was the pictures that illustrated the jibberish. Mostly devils and one angel hanging on a noose. My guess is that would be me. The only legible thing was the ending, maybe it was a signature who knows. All it said was Mizpah, Nick. Weird but clever, I'll give her that much.

"What should we do about this" Trish was waiting for some kind of reply from me.

"Nothing I guess, what can we do? For all we know it's just a fan from another planet" I thought it was funny but she didn't.

"Nick we really should tell security about it. Just in case." I didn't argue and I let her call security.

My little stalker as I like to now call her didn't really make many more appearances until about two weeks ago. Yet another envelope showed up with more jibberish, devil heads, hanging angel and Mizpah, Nick but there was a p.s. this time: I always get what I want. So security has been very tight following me everywhere and keeping me prisoner in my hotel room. I'm not really worried about the whole stalker thing. Frankly, if I had my choice between stalker or another uncomfortable session with the buys, I'd choose Mizpah lady.

The next day I was sure to be at the studio early. I got there almost thirty minutes before everyone else. Once the boys streamed in, I sat in the corner and became a silent observer. I was curious how long it would take any of them to acknowledge that I was there. I watched as Kevin came in with muffin in one hand and coffee in the other, closely followed by Brian. A.J. was the next one to enter followed by Howie. I watched as Howie and J exchanged warm hugs and couldn't help but smile only because the old J would never let you be that touchy feely with him. I watched as Kevin and Brian laughed about something that happened at their get together last night, and I watched as the four of them stood around the catered table joking, and talking. They all looked so natural together. I felt as if I was invading their space.

I was broken out of my thoughts by Howie.

"How long have you been sitting there kid?"

"Yeah Nick, why are you in the corner are you in trouble or something?" Of course J had to get his two cents in. I suddenly felt all eyes on me. I didn't like it.

"Sorry, I got here early and am just zoning out."

"Well, that's a new one, Nick zoning out huh?" Kevin said as he chuckled under his breath and went back to eating his muffin.

Now that my hiding place was discovered, I decided to get up and try to reacquaint myself with the four guys I admired so much. I picked up the bag I had brought and made my way over to A.J.

"Hi J, I brought you something" A.J. turned to me and gave me a strange look before noticing that I was holding a gift bag.

"Woah dude what's this for?"

"Your anniversary J.Congrats on being sober for a year. I'm sorry I missed the party." I then handed the bag to him and gave him a hug. I was a little relieved when I felt the hug returned. I bought him a great cowboy hat I found while I was in Sweden, I knew it would be perfect for him. He took it out of the bag, placed it on his head and gave me a smile.

"How does it look? Do I look like a pimp daddy?"

I laughed. "Yeah J, you look like a pimp daddy" I then slowly made my way over to Brian.

"Hey Brian how's things?" He looked up at me and then quickly looked down again avoiding eye contact completely.

"Good, how about with you?"

"Great" then there it was for the first time in the almost ten years that I had known him; an awkward silence. We stood there just kind of looking at each other for about five minutes before A.J. came over and saved us.

"Hey Rok, did you see the hat Nick gave me?"

Brian glanced at it and said, "Nice."

"It's my anniversary present."

Brian then looked straight at me and said "Well, he should have shown up on that day to give it to you" and then he walked away.

"Don't mind him Nick, Rok's just being pissy."

I just stood there almost in shock. I felt lost and hurt.

The rest of the session was okay, it went by pretty quickly because we had a lot to do. During breaks I chose to sit alone and read instead of exchanging uncomfortable silence with the guys. Howie walked up to me, sat down and made me put down the book I was reading.

"You want to go out tonight?"

"Sure. Is it all of us?"

"No man, just you and I. J stays away from clubs and the other two married folk are officially boring." I felt angry, was the only reason he asked me to go with him because no one else was available? After thinking about it for a couple of minutes I said "Okay I'm in"
He then got up and said "Good, it will be nice. We have a lot to catch up on"

Before we left the studio, j came up behind me and gave me another hug."Thanks again Kaos. See you tomorrow. Behave yourself with Howard, I don't want to bail anyone out of jail tonight."

I laughed "Very funny Bone" yea, we were back to bone and Kaos. Maybe things would be okay after all.

---

During my run as a famous guy, I have had so many people read an article or two about me and assume that they knew me better than myself. Some things reported are actually pretty close to the truth like that I'm always late for everything or that I enjoy playing pranks. Both of those things are correct, although, the last time I really played a prank on the guys, I think I was like 18 or something. Most of the things people write about us in the fluffy magazine's like Bop or 16, are totally bogus. I might mention once that I kind of like the color green, only because they press you about it and suddenly the next thing you know I get green this or green that. I would like to once have the courage to stand up to the press people during an interview or press conference and say "Okay people, I hate green, my feet don't smell,Willa never beat me up and I'm not dumb" That would never happen because, I am shy. I hate public speaking. That's why I always say dumbass things when put on the spot. No matter how many times we rehearse it, what exactly I'm going to say, I still end up sounding like an idiot. I used to really care about what everyone thought of me but over the years I have become much more cynical.

One thing that I even played into was the whole Frick and Frack thing. One day probably about 5 or 6 years ago. Brian and I were, I don't even remember, I think we were making fun of Kevin or something and we kept finishing each other's sentences.Howie said we were just like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, but Bone was quick to point out that we were to skinny for those nicknames. "Okay how about Frick and Frack" When Kevin said that we both looked at each other and cracked up. The next day as a joke Brian had two hats made for us his said Frick and mine said Frack. Two weeks later the nicknames were all but forgotten except that a paparazzi guy happened to take a picture of us wearing those and soon we were eternally marked with those names. I enjoyed it. I think Brian did too. We never actually called each other that even though we were inseparable. That was also true. Brian was my best friend, the guy I went to for advice, to hang out with and to bitch with. I had had fights over the years with everyone but I seldom ever fought with him. The years went by and we have drifted apart but never to the point that I couldn't even call him Rok. Today, at the studio, I reached that point. It felt so weird. I was startled out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. I opened up to see Howie and Kevin.

---

"What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too Nick, Jeez what a nice welcoming"

I didn't mean to offend Kevin, I just wasn't expecting him to be here. Kevin as if reading my thoughts said "Kristin had to head back to N.Y a day early so I thought I'd join you guys. Is that okay?"

'Of course man" I was kind of happy that Kev was coming. I missed his company.

We decided to go have a late supper at a posh restaurant instead of going out to a club which was fine by me. I was hungry and ever since my arrest, I liked to stay as far away from clubs as possible. The owner of the restaurant gave us a table all the way in the back. We had our own private room. No fans or press. I was a little uneasy at first but soon, being with my two oldest brothers felt very comforting. I always had a special bond with those two guys. Kevin has been supportive of me every step of my career. The good as well as the bad. He put up with my hot temper, mood swings and pompous attitude when none of the other guys did. I never respected him for that until I was old enough to realize just how much he meant to me. Howie was the same way. I have always picked on him the most but believe it or not, He has been the most protective of me, even more so than Kevin at times. People give Howie a hard time because he is small and quiet but out of all of us, he could really beat the crap out of someone if he wanted to.

The rest of dinner was spent talking about how things have been for the last few months. I wasn't sure if I should bring up my album or not. Part of me wanted to burst out and talk about how excited I was but now I wasn't sure if they cared to know or not. I decided it would be best if I didn't bring it up unless they asked and was a bit disappointed when they didn't. We did have a good time though. I started to feel comfortable around them and decided to ask about Brian.

"So, Brian seems upset about something, he hasn't been acting like himself for the last few days. Is everything okay with him?" I knew I was taking the weasely way out of asking if Bri was mad at me, but hey I needed some kind of info.

"No, actually Brian's doing real well, he hasn't seemed odd to me. What about you Kev?"

"Nick, he just feels betrayed that's all. You have to admit, you've been pretty selfish about this whole thing"

So there it was, suddenly dinner took an unpleasant turn and I found myself getting defensive.

"Excuse me? You know you guys told me to go ahead and go for it. I had your full support you said. So, what the hell happened to that?"

Howie could tell I was getting upset. Not angry more hurt.

"Nicky, don't get upset, you asked and Kevin told you. We do support you, you must realize that right? Now come on and let's not fight tonight. We had a great dinner, let's not leave on a sour note." Howie was right, I didn't feel like getting mad. I was too tired. We finished our meals and made our way back to Howie's where we talked about life, love and happiness. No more mention of Brian or my solo career.

The words Kevin said etched in my brain as I rode back to the hotel. Selfish? wasn't that the word that showed up in most of my hate mail? Why would Brian be talking about me anyway? I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight. Too many negative thoughts going on. My cellphone rang as I entered my room.

"Hello? Hello? is anyone there?" must have been the wrong number. I headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth and froze in my tracks when I saw the front door. Taped on the inside of the front door was an envelope. I felt my heart skip a beat as I approached it and wondered how it could have possibly been put there. When I noticed that the front of the letter said Mizpah I realized that for the first time in quite awhile, I found myself scared for my life.

I must have stared at the door for fifteen minutes before I had the courage to grab the envelope. I then ran for the door, tore the letter off and threw it across the room. I treated it like it was a bomb or something. Way to go wussy-boy. It's just a friggin piece of paper! I then tried to calm myself down by taking long deep breaths and walked over to the letter, picked it up and sat down on my bed. I opened the envelope and read the letter. It looked the same but it was a little more legible than the previous ones.
The words were still written in red ink complete with devil heads, angel on a noose and Mizpah,Nick but the consonants were only gibberish for two-thirds of the letter. The last few sentences were clear as a bell;

desfhvnfsijvrdfrejgepodwpefbhjtvkspckwprerrhepsaodwc,rgjeogvwjwjfc,gjergerjfoijfcersogferotnger..life is going to get more interesting for you my young friend. I hope you can handle it. I always get what I want and I want you!
Mizpah, Nick

I put the letter down and got angry. I ran toward the door, threw it open and looked down the hallway. No one was there. I was going to be damned if this chick thought that she can scare the be-Jesus out of me. Who the hell does she think she is anyway? I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash, now I was pissed. How dare she break into my hotel room and leave that crap on my door. When I tried to rip the envelope I was met with resistance. That's when I realized that there was something else in there. I placed my fingers in the envelope and pulled out two pictures. My heartbeat raced again as I looked at them. The first one was of me getting ready in my hotel room before I met with Howie and Kevin and the second one was of the three of us sitting in the restaurant. There were little devil heads drawn over all of our faces. That's impossible. we had a private room, there was nobody even in there with us! And how could she have been in here while I was getting ready. Shivers ran down my spine as I thought about that last thing. She was in here for God knows how long. I then picked up the phone and called for help.

I realized who I called after I heard his voice on the line."Hello?"shit Carter why did you call Brian? "hello is anyone there?" shit. shit. shit.

"Um, Hi Bri, it's um."

"Nick, is that you?"

"Yeah, sorry dude I um.. must have dialed the wrong number." Tell him your scared shitless you idiot. Ask him if you could go over there. You know he'll say yes.

"Okay, well I guess I'll see you tomorrow than."

No Brian you can't hang up, I need you! "Okay, sorry man. See you tomorrow. Bye." I hung up the phone and felt so defeated. Why couldn't I just talk to him? I didn't know what to do next. I didn't want to bother Kevin or Howie so I dialed A.J's cell phone number.

"Yello?"

"Hi J, it's Nick"

"Did you dial the wrong number again dumbass?" I was confused,"What?"

"Well, didn't you just call Rok like thirty seconds ago? Or was it me you were trying to call?" Dammit, they were together. I feel like a total ass!

"Uh...yeah,I was calling to see what time we had to be at the studio tomorrow?" What a lame ass thing to say. I think A.J must have felt the same way because he sighed before he said "Why couldn't you just ask Brian that?" ugh why couldn't I tell Brian that...because it's an obvious cover idiot!

"I guess I could have...I didn't even think about it. I guess I was also going to ask you if you wanted to do anything tonight. I'm kind of bored."

"Didn't you already do something with Howie?" I realized at that last statement, that it was a lost cause. I either needed to come clean or hang up.

"I guess your right J, I'm kind of tired anyways.I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Bye"

"Oh, Nick yoohoo, don't you need to know what time to show up tomorrow? Isn't that why you called?"

Now I felt stupid again. "Yeah"

"9a.m."

"Thanks"

"No problem kiddo, bye"

"Bye"

I hung up the phone and did the only thing I could think of to do. I headed for the bathroom, locked myself in and rocked back and forth hoping that I would get up the nerve to go back into the bedroom and go to sleep.

---

I woke up with a start and was temporarily confused as to where the hell I was. My neck hurt and my cheek was cold against my pillow?...wait... That wasn't a pillow. That's when I realized that I had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. I immediately sat up only to be met with a sharp pain in my neck and back. I stretched and pulled myself up off the floor. I looked at myself in the mirror and wasn't pleased with what I saw staring back at me. I looked awful. Deep circles under my eyes and my hair was a mess. I was just about to leave my sanctuary when I heard a creak. Oh my God someone just came into my room! The door than slammed shut and I heard footsteps pacing around right outside the bathroom door. I held my breath and placed my ear to the door hoping to hear that maybe it was housekeeping. The person sounded like she was going through my dresser drawers and tearing apart the room. I really was angry at myself for not bringing my cell phone in here with me. Then I heard the footsteps get closer....and closer..and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God The doorknob jiggled as if the stalker wanted to get in really badly. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK body slamming!!! My heart was racing as I stood like a dear about to meet an untimely death at the hands of a Jeep. My feet frozen, my brain shut off BANG

The door bursted open and Joe, came running in and stopped when he just saw me standing there looking at him dumbfounded.

"Why the hell didn't you answer Nick?" I was still so scared that I couldn't move. He noticed my temporary paralysis and walked over to me, put a hand on my shoulder and said
"What's wrong, you look like you just saw your pet rat die or something." His pet rat statement woke me out of my trance.

"I didn't hear the phone, I slept in the bathroom and I don't have a friggin rat!!!"

After staring at me for what felt like a small eternity he led me back into the bedroom where I explained to him what happened. When I was done, he looked at me with a very stern look.

"Nick, this is serious, you realize that right? You did everything wrong last night which could have ended with me finding your corpse in here instead of you cowering in the bathroom. You should have called my room immediately and then we could have moved you to another hotel and we could have given the envelope to the police."

I knew I shouldn't have thrown out the last letter. I not only threw it out, but I ripped it up. "I'm sorry Joe, I wasn't thinking clearly. I panicked."

"That's all right kid but I highly recommend that you sleep somewhere else tonight. What about Brian's or one of the guys. It would probably be safer for you to be with them then at another hotel."

He was right, but I didn't feel like I could bother them about this. What I really felt was they wouldn't care.

"Okay Joe, I will ask one of them today."

"Great, now I'll leave you to get ready, you have to be at the studio in an hour."

Fantastic, I got maybe three hours of sleep on a floor nonetheless and now I had to be at the studio before I had time to process anything. With that thought I got ready feeling a little more safe knowing Joe was right outside the door.

When we finally arrived at the studio, I was so tired that I had to keep pinching myself to stay awake. I'm used to only getting a few hours of sleep a night but for some reason, I couldn't seem to shake the sleepy feeling out of my body. I also felt the beginnings of a nasty headache coming on. The first person I saw was Kevin. I tried to walk past him to put my backpack down but he grabbed my arm.

"You're late again Nick." ah so it was going to be one of those sessions...great just great.

"Sorry" was all I said before I moved past him and put my bag down. After I dropped my bag, I yawned and tried to stretch out the knot I felt forming on my neck. I then walked over to the breakfast table to get a bagel.

"So, by the looks of you, I say you decided to go out after we talked huh Carter?" A.J said as he sat down next to me chowing down on a doughnut.

"No, I'm just tired.I had a hard time falling asleep last night." A.J nodded seeming uninterested in what my reply was going to be.

"Are you ready to lay down your vocals today man?" Jesus, I hadn't even looked at the song. That's what I forgot to do. Well, not that I forgot but I was holed up in the bathroom waiting for some maniac to come and kill me.

"Um...yeah I guess" I said rather unenthiusiastically.

"Well damn, Nick don't sound so excited about it. I know it's not like your first priority or anything but you could I don't know,pretend your happy to be here or something." He then grabbed his food and walked away from me leaving me in the room alone.

I didn't mean to upset A.j. and maybe under other circumstances I would have yelled at him or apologized but instead I sighed out loud surprising myself to hear the level of hurt that was in my voice. I decided to just sit right where I was until someone needed me for something.I knew the mood I was in wouldn't allow me to do much more than that.

My peace and quiet was interrupted by my name being called over the loudspeaker telling me I needed to go into the sound booth to record my vocals. I got up and did what I was told. Brian and Howie were already in there and they motioned for me to put my headphones on and stand in the middle of them. I noticed that Brian didn't even look at me. Luckily the lyrics were right in front of me so I was able to do a semi decent job. At least that's what I thought until...

"God, Nick that sucked!!" I looked over at Brian and couldn't believe that just came out of his mouth. If that wasn't bad enough he continued, "Yeah, Glen we definetly need to do that again because Nick was way off." I looked up in the control room and saw Glen,our producer for this album talking with Kevin and A.J and couldn't help but wonder what they were saying about me. I then glanced over at Howie and Brian and saw that they were engaged in an intense conversation. That's when I figured out I needed out of this room now! I put down my earphones and left the room. Noone followed me except for Joe. I went into the bathroom and threw some cold water on my face and then out of nowhere started to cry.

I managed to pull myself together in record time. One thing I learned from my years in this business is how to have a five minute breakdown and then get back to work.We all had them from time to time. I think I have witnessed every single guy in the group have one. I've always been able to hide mine. Except when J went into rehab. I think I would've actually been able to hide that one if it weren't for the painkillers I was on for my hand. The entire universe saw me breakdown then and ever since, I've been labeled a cry baby.

I walked back into the booth and was greeted with an icy stare from Brian. I tried my best to just ignore it but I couldn't. Not anymore.

"I had to pee so I went to the bathroom, you gotta problem with that?"

"You could have said something,we were ready to start about five minutes ago." Brian said with that all to familiar look of disgust on his face.

"I was only gone for like five minutes. So shoot me. God what is your problem anyway?" I didn't want to have this fight but he wasn't letting it go.

"What is my problem? What is my problem?... you're my problem. Do you even know this song Nick? No probably not. Why because it wasn't a priority to you. Well you know what Nick,I'm tired of waiting for you. We are tired of waiting for you. Get your act together or move on!!!" After his little speech he threw his headphones down and stormed out of the room leaving all of us stunned.

---

Did you ever have a moment in your life when everything just felt surreal? for the few minutes right after Brian blew up at me things just felt strange. I almost felt like I was floating or something. Everyone was just staring at me, waiting for me to do something, react in some way whether it be good or bad. My mind told me to go after him, talk things out. My legs however said just stay right here. Howie walked over to me to make sure I was okay and even though I wasn't, I put on my mask. My mask, just like fame, had become part of my life. It generally came out when I would hear someone making fun of us, talking about our careers being over, my weight and various other things that may come up. I would put on my mask and it would shut out all of the negativity I felt. At least that's what it would appear to do. Now I felt myself putting that mask on again only this time it was to sheild me from my best friends.

"Nicky, are you okay?" I looked at him with a slight smile trying to think of something witty to say.

"Sure, but I think it's kind of funny that after throwing a fit about me leaving, he blows up and leaves himself.I'm not sure if it is, but Alanis would call that irony wouldn't she?" wow that was even better than i thought it would be. Howie just chuckled and walked away.

"I think it's time for a break guys. I'll see you in about 90" Glen said feeling the tension still in the air.

I walked out of the room, mask still firmly set on my face and headed back to the waiting area. When I got to the door I heard murmurs in the room and couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"Rok you need to calm down, you don't mean what you are saying" I could here J say. since when is bone suddenly the voice of reason?

"Don't tell me to calm down Alex. I'm done. He is a selfish little child who doesn't care about anybody but himself!" Those words cut through my soul but I couldn't turn myself away from what I was hearing even though I wanted to more than anything.

"Brian, seriously man.I know your just mad, relax and talk to him. Give him another chance."

"I'm not going to do that Bone."

"But Brian.."

"No"

"He's your best friend. Your brother" then Brian said the words that haunt me still after all that has happened since he uttered them.

"Things change.People change and our relationship is over. It's been over for awhile."
I sank down against the door and pulled my knees up in a ball and rested my head there. He's was right. I couldn't even be mad at him because he was right.

I sat in that position for the remainder of the day. No one bothered me. Not even to go into the studio. Everyone could tell I was devastated. So much for masks.

J walked past me a few times including the first time he left the room after his conversation with Brian. I think he realized that I heard every word that was said. I could tell that he wanted to talk to me but he decided against it.

Brian came nowhere near me the rest of the day. I was relieved about that. I wasn't ready for the conversation that we would have to have.

Kevin walked by a few times, each time looking more and more frustrated that I was just sitting on the floor.

I didn't want to move. I had only experienced this feeling a couple of times in my life. It felt like a heaviness in my chest. When I took in a breathe I was met with a tingling in my heart. It felt like an emptiness. The feeling you literally get when your heart breaks.

The first time I felt it was when my aunt died. I loved her so much. The thought of losing her was too much to deal with.

The second time was when my Mom and I had a terrible fight. Words were said that I still have a hard time getting over, her last statement being, "I hate you and I wish you were never born!" She still cries about that. She didn't mean it but at the time those words hurt more than anything I had ever felt.
Until now.

The words Brian spoke stuck in my heart like a knife and I couldn't get them out of my head. Could he really hate me so much that he would want me out of this group? I wanted to hate him right back but I couldn't. I loved him. I love all of them. They really are like family to me. I know I might take it too much to heart, but I believed those words when we all first said them and I still believe them now. I always made it a point to tell them that too. Every chance I got. During interviews, on my liner notes, on the phone, anytime I felt like someone needed to hear it. The thing is, they seldom ever said it to me. I would always be met with a "thanks man," or a hug. I never questioned it before. Maybe I was being naive. Sometime in the middle of my thoughts, Howie sat next to me and put his arm around me. I didn't pull away, I just sat there staring forward.

"You want to talk about it Nicky" He said pulling me closer to him. When I didn't reply, he continued "Come on Nick, we're done for the day. Go back to the hotel, relax, take a nice hot bath and sleep it off. Everything will look better in the morning." He then did something he never ever did before. He gently kissed me on the top of my head. That action brought me to tears as I remembered it wasn't safe to go back to the hotel.

As Howie was getting up to walk away, I heard myself say in almost a whisper, "Can I stay with you, I don't want to be alone." I then looked up at him as he gave me his hand to help me up.

"Of course you can" he said hugging me as we walked to Joe to let him know my plans.

The ride to Howie's apartment had been eerily quiet. I know that when I get this upset, I seem pretty unapproachable and by the way Howie was fidgeting in his seat, I could tell I was making him very uncomfortable. I did my best to try to brighten my mood by humming along with the radio, but it didn't really work. I felt bad for the way I had acted today, not to say I didn't handle it well but I shouldn't have sulked the way I did. That was unprofessional and I did not like to be unprofessional.

I know that's another myth about me. Nick likes to constantly fool around instead of staying focused on work, but that isn't true. When I was younger I didn't like working long hours and being away for months on end from my family was too much for me; but I was only a kid. My work ethic is as solid as anybody's nowadays. When I am in the studio I stay focused and never really fool around at all. I enjoy having fun during interviews because I don't really consider that work. More like an infringement on my time. Especially from the magazines that insist you meet with them only to write crap about you afterwards. Studios, on the other hand, meant the real deal. I took recording so seriously that the guys would actually have to pull me away from the mic after not being happy with take after take of a song. I actually pouted man, have I become that much of a spoiled pop star that I was willing to risk our recording time to pout.

"Nicky, don't beat yourself up over that. You weren't pouting, Brian was out of line"

It took me a minute to realize that I had said my last thought out loud and then acknowledged what Howie said by giving him a half smile.

---

When we got to Howie's place I had calmed down considerably. He always has that calming effect on me. I think he does on all of us. We sat in his living room watching T.V and talking most about the old days. Way before the fame and hassle of stardom, the five of us would make it a habit of having a night like this. No talk of rehearsals or songs, just being guys and hanging out. That's when we really got to know each other. The three older guys shared an apartment so J and I would come over and have a "guys" sleepover. Much different from girls I have to say. When B.J would have her little friends over all they did was talk about boys, dolls and more boys. There was no mention of girls at our little hangouts. Just sports, T.V, beer and poker for the older guys. Nintendo games and ice cream for the younger ones. Brian would fluctuate between the older crowd and us little guys. He always ended up staying with me playing Nintendo claiming that he had to keep an eye on things. That was a load of bull! J always made his way into the poker games and beer. Maybe they did talk about sex and stuff but they never did in my company. They do now. We called our little hang out nights "Sanity breaks" and boy I really needed this one. We stopped having them once we hit it big in the U.S. It was like we realized that sanity was going to be thrown out the window.

This sanity break with D felt good to me and I felt safe.

"Are you going to talk to him?" Howie asked me out of the blue. I hadn't really thought about how I was going to handle the whole Brian thing yet.

"I'm not sure he'll even let me talk to him. He seems to hate me. His loss" I tried to act nonchalant about my last phrase but Howie saw right through that one too.

"Nick, you know he doesn't hate you, you'll work through this like you always do." I had to ask him the next question, even though I knew the answer. For my own reassurance I needed to hear it from at least one of the guys.

"Is it true? Do you guys think I should leave the group?" I looked at D to find him staring straight into my eyes.

"No" he said before getting up to throw our beer cans away. "Hey, why's Joe following you all over the place these days?" he said handing me another beer.

"Oh, just getting threats."

He seemed concerned. "Anything to be worried about?"

I looked up from the magazine I had started to read and shook my head no.

Now, did you ever see those self help books where the question is posed, If you could go back in time and change one decision you've made what would it be? Clearly for me it would have been the answer to the next question D asked.

"Tell me about it? Was it specific, what did they say? Anything weird?" The way he was asking, he suddenly seemed like he was on speed or something.

"No, it's really no big deal just the usual stuff" Is all I said.

If I had just told him the truth, I would have saved myself from the nightmare of what was to come...

I came home from the studio steaming mad. It's been awhile since I've blown up at anybody like that and I've never ever done that with Nick before.

I felt bad as soon as the words left my mouth but I knew it was too late to take them back. They needed to be said, so I said it. Simple as that. I shouldn't have been so harsh but sometimes that's the only way to get through to that kid. He has been so selfish lately and someone had to lay it all out for him.

Brian paused from his thoughts to read the note Leigh had left for him by the phone. He was a little relieved to see that she took his advice and left for Georgia. He didn't want her around here while all the crap with A.J. was going on. He felt a twinge of guilt for even telling her about it but it was a little to hard to deal with on his own.

The thought of J in danger was too much to think about and besides, J did confide in Howie, so Brian thought it was safe to tell Leigh about the phone calls.

Who knows how I even got involved in this. The psycho calls me up one day on my cell nonetheless and the next thing you know, I am the only link between a madman and my best friend.

It was weird to think of J as my best friend now but it was the truth. After Alex went into rehab and stopped the partying, we started to hang out with one another and because of that we had grown extremely close. He has matured so much and now that he is engaged, we have so much in common. I helped him pick out his engagement ring and have helped him celebrate his sobriety every chance I got.

Nick, however, since J's stay in rehab has gone in the opposite direction. I was concerned at first wondering if it was depression or something but after crying about not wanting us to ever break up he goes and takes the initiative to leave us to make a solo album. that was a shock to me but then he all but disappeared. He wouldn't show up for meetings, never returned phone calls and the icing on the cake for me was when he blew off J's 1st year sober gathering for a stupid awards show. I still care about Nick but I guess I'm just hurt.

Brian jumped when the phone rang. He noticed it wasn't his house phone and sweat started to form on his brow. After this thing was over he vowed to get rid of his cellphone completely. he picked it up dreading what was waiting for him on the other end.

"Hello"

"Hey Brian, what's up man?" He breathed in a sigh of relief when he recognized Kevin's voice on the line.

"Nothing what about you?" He knew what was coming next.

"Have you talked to Nick yet?" Brian rolled his eyes, heaven forbid Kevin stay out of other peoples business. One day I'm going to get up the nerve to tell him so.

"No Kev, I thought I'd just sleep on it and maybe talk to him tomorrow."

"Good because you were a little out of line and we don't need the tension in the studio. We have enough to worry about."

After getting off the phone with Kevin I was happy that J and I had decided to leave him in the dark about the whole crazy guy thing. He tends to overreact and I didn't want to deal with that. A.J also thought it would be best not to tell Nick because he figured the kid had to much on his mind. I think we should say something to him if nothing else to make him feel guilty. He probably wouldn't care. He never takes threats seriously. I normally blow them off too but there was something about this guy that made me nervous. Not to mention that he managed to get my cell phone number. It started off as pranks. Him just breathing heavy into the phone then that grew into "I'm gonna get your little brother" to "I always get what I want and I want your little brother. I see you together all the time so I'm jealous of you Brian."

That last threat got my attention completely and I felt the need to let J know he was in danger. It seems like everytime he calls he says a little more like he's playing some kind of game with me. Howie and I have made it our mission to keep an eye on that boy especially now since suddenly Howie has been getting prank calls on his cellphone. Just breathing no talking. Sounds too familiar to me. The guy always ends the conversation in French. at least I think that's the origin of the word Mizpah. I've heard it before but am not exactly sure where. I think it's French for my. Who knows.

Spending the night over Howie's helped me to clear my mind of all the unpleasant things that had been happening in my life.
Don't get me wrong, in many ways this year has been the best year of my life hands down but sometimes it's the small things that can damper any positive thing that happens. One of my biggest flaws has always been concentrating to much on the negative in my life while ignoring the great things that would happen along the way. I could get fifteen compliments about the way I sing or my song writing ability but I would focus on the one negative comment made. I have always been my biggest critic and at times my own foe.

This time the little thing that was bothering me was in the form of a short blonde guy. Brian, even during my conversations with Howie and our laughing fits last night, I couldn't help but go back to Brian's words. I knew at some point today I would have to confront him. I didn't want to. I wanted to act like nothing ever happened between us but sometimes it's just not that easy.

I had to make my way back to the hotel to grab my things before heading to the studio and as I was walking toward my door, I started to panic. My heartbeat quickened and I broke out in a cold sweat. I immediately searched the corridor and calmed down when I saw that Joe was a few steps in front of me getting ready to enter my room. He gave me a signal to stay put while he checked out my room and in five minutes he gave me the all clear to enter. My room looked just as I left it. nothing looked violated and I didn't see anything even resembling a letter. I quickly gathered my things and fled. As I was leaving, my cell phone rang just about scaring me half to death!

"Hello?" silence on the other end. "Hello?" I said again getting annoyed. This was the fifth time this week I had gotten a hang up call. I was just about to hang up the phone when I heard a barely audible voice "one from another..." then there was silence again. I put the phone closer to my ear to see if I could make out what was happening but all I heard was clicks. I immediately looked at the caller ID fearing it was one of the guys even though the voice didn't sound familiar at all. The ID button read unknown.

"Huh that was weird"

Joe looked at me with an inquiring look on his face. "What was weird?" he asked me as we entered the elevator.

"I just got a call from some guy and all he said was one from another."

He took my phone and studied it as if it held the key to some kind of mystery. He then shrugged and handed it back to me. "Maybe it was a wrong number" he said.

I laughed "yeah, maybe they were looking for the incomplete thought hotline." I thought it was funny but Joe just rolled his eyes.

---

We arrived at the studio ten minutes late only to find out that it would be just three of us for most of the day. Brian and A.J had some charity event to participate in which left me, Howie and Kevin twiddling our thumbs for about the first hour of studio time.

Part of me was relieved to find out that Brian wasn't there. I had no idea how things were going to go between us today and truth be told, I didn't really feel like dealing with the stress.

The other part of me, my inner child who I had fought to drown deep in the center of my brain, told me to be jealous. I was jealous. Only as recent as January, any charity event that Brian would be called for he would immediately ask me to tag along. I did the same. Now it seems he turns to J for everything. I never realized how replaceable I could be but I guess life goes on right?

I mean I should have seen it coming. When we split from The Firm it was Brain's and J's idea. None of the other guys had a clue. Bri and A.J went to the other guys and told them their plan. They had said they spoke about it over some long talks while sipping on coffee. Kevin and Howie finally agreed with them and decided to hold a meeting with our management; leaving me totally in the dark. Little did they know that I had been in talks with the Firm myself over going solo. It was all going to be laid out in a band meeting which I had called for later on in the week. I had told them I wanted to go solo several times so it wouldn't have been much of a shock.

The problem was, when we went into the meeting the guys scheduled with the Firm, that was the first time I heard we were firing them! Of course management had no choice but to tell them about me staying on as a solo artist. When The Firm announced my alternate plans, you could hear a pin drop in the room. I didn't even make eye contact with them because I already knew what would be staring back at me.

"Well, what he chooses to do is his own deal, we however want to go elsewhere" Brian had said before he stormed out of the room.

Thinking back on it now, that's the last time we had spoken before I rejoined the boys this past week. When the meeting broke off after Brian's abrupt exit, Howie and Kevin looked at me with a pure look of disgust. They didn't say anything to me about what happened.

It was A.J who said "How could you do this to us?" then they walked out leaving me to feel alone.

In many ways that day was the last day that we were the Backstreet Boys....

---

"That sounded great Nick! we'll keep that take!"

I took my headphones off and headed into the booth to hear the playback of the song the three of us were working on. Howie gave me a little hug as I entered the control room and Kevin nodded in agreement with the compliment Glen had given me.

It was about 4:00 which meant we were almost finished for the day. The three of us got a lot of stuff done. We laid down tracks for 6 different songs and Kevin and I CO-wrote some lyrics together. Brian and J called saying they weren't coming today because their thing ran longer than expected. So it turned out to be an extremely productive day.

"Hey, you guys want to go out for dinner tonight? my treat" I said while putting my gameboy back in my backpack.

"Did I just hear right? did Carter just say he would treat?" Kevin asked while putting on his jacket. "Man I'd hate to miss a once in a lifetime opportunity but I have plans sorry dude." Kevin then waved at us and left.

I looked over at Howie. "Sorry kiddo, I'm meeting Alex for dinner, my guess is that Brian will be coming too but you're more than welcome to join us if you want" he said and then gave me another friendly hug.

I wonder if he was jealous too? Probably not, it's to immature for D. It's definitely more my speed than his. "no thanks, If Brian was there it would be to awkward. Go have fun and tell them I said hello."

After Howie left I ran back to put the rest of my things in my backpack when I saw a manilla envelope sitting next to my bag on the floor. I looked around nervously before slowly approaching the envelope. I got up really close to it, grabbed it and was about to open it when I heard a door slam. That got my feet moving and I ran out of the studio leaving my bag behind. I wasn't looking where I was going and suddenly collided with Joe knocking me to the ground.

"Where the hell is the fire Nick?" He said helping me to my feet.

I handed him the envelope and within minutes, he was down the hall checking out the room.

"There's nobody in there, did you see her put this down?" he asked me while he walked towards the other end of the hall.
"Nope, it was just there waiting for me"

"Okay, well let's get out of here then we'll open this later."

"I need to go get my bag" I said as he followed me closely into the room where I had left it. I shook my bag and unzipped it to make sure nothing was tampered with, then we walked out not noticing the figure remaining in the room staring at us with a complete look of satisfaction on it's face.

I held the envelope in my hand so tight that my fingers started to cramp up. I'm not even sure why I was so curious to see what was inside. Joe suggested that he should be in the room when I opened it up and I secretly was grateful to have him there. Not that I thought anyone was going to jump out of it, I was afraid there might be a dead rat or something in there.

It wasn't very heavy so my guess was it was just a letter.

I was wrong. When I opened it up, there was an old crumpled up newspaper article in there and nothing else.

"Looks like it wasn't our crazy gal after all Nick, Maybe this belonged to one of the engineers and they missed the garbage and accidentally left it by your bag."

I nodded at Joe's words even though I was sure it was the Mizpah lady. When Joe left I sat on the floor of my hotel room staring at the article looking for a hidden clue of some kind. Who am I now? friggin Joe Hardy or something? I'm an asshole.

Even as I had those thoughts I couldn't tear myself away from the possibility that the article had something to do with me. The paper itself was yellow from age and the print was slightly faded but if you concentrated real hard, you could make out the gist of what the words said. One side there was an article about the Mets winning the World Series and how New York was beside itself with glee. The picture was of the team huddled up on the field jumping all over each other. The headline read WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS. Hmmmm what year did that happen? Let's see they were in the world series two years ago but they didn't win, I don't remember them ever winn...oh yeah wait a second that happened in the mid 80's what the hell year was it though? Shit...

I paced the room with my eyes closed hoping the year would pop out at me but finally gave up. Sports trivia was never my thing, Brian would know, there was no doubt in my mind. When it came to sports trivia there was nobody who could even come close to Brian. Brian, God why didn't I just go out to dinner with them? I can't avoid the guy for the rest of my life. Maybe dinner would be a good thing. I shook that thought away and flipped the article over to see what was on the other side. The opposite page was even more warn than the Mets side but it seemed like there was just a bunch of advertisements and a few small articles. Nothing big. Then something caught my eye. At the very bottom right hand side of the page there was the beginning of an article about a missing person.

Young Man President of his college class missing since last Thursday.
Police report finding his car abandoned on the Bronx River Parkway
with the keys inside. There was blood on the steering wheel and on
the front seat but there appeared to be no damage to the actual car.
The police expect foul play...

That's as far as this page went. The end of the article was ripped off. I found myself worrying about this guy who was missing over 15 years ago. I hope they found him.

I paused from my investigative work to answer my cellphone. "Hello?" after a moment of silence I repeated myself yet again. "Hello? You know I'm getting tired of this shit!"

I was just about to throw down the phone when I heard music playing on the other end of the line. it was playing very softly but I could clearly recognize the song. It was one of my dad's favorite songs from the 80's and on long car rides he would burst out with the song kind of as a sign to the gaggle of children in the car that we were almost home. Take Me Home by Genesis. "Dad is that you? Is this some kind of joke or something? Hello?"

The person on the other end hung up leaving me completely baffled. Okay now that was totally strange. First an article from the 80's,then a song from the 80's...maybe I've entered the damn twilight zone or something...I thought while emptying the contents of my backpack on the bed. I've gotta stop thinking about this for a minu...wait what the hell is this? I pulled out a little package wrapped in newspaper. it was at the very bottom of the bag and was not there when I packed this morning. I quickly unwrapped the newspaper and found a picture frame. The frame was porcelain and had angels all around the corners.

I let out a gasp when I saw the picture that was inside. It was of me and Howie sitting on the floor of D's living room from last night. The picture had black graffiti all over it and a picture of a devil drawn over the image coming from the television. My face was circled several times and the words See You Soon! were written right above my head. I tore the picture from the frame and looked on the back to see if there were any clues sitting there waiting for me. Unfortunately nothing was there. My thoughts quickly shifted back to the wrapping my strange present had around it. I picked it up and examined it carefully. Written in red marker the entire length of the paper diagonally was the word MIZPAH.

I wasn't shocked or horrified this time. I had actually expected it. I was just about to throw it in the trash when I remembered what Joe had said about throwing away threats, so I went to fold it up when I noticed a disturbing headline in the bottom right hand corner.

Missing College Student Turns Up Dead

The body of Robert Wexman 21, who had been missing since November of last year has been found in Pelham Bay Park just miles away from where he had disappeared. The cause of death has yet to be determined but judging from the condition of the corpse, he had only been dead for about a day or so. Robert who had just been voted as class president shortly before his disappearance, is survived by his mother Linda and his father John.

I sat there silent letting what I just read sink in to my brain. "What is going on?" I thought outloud. I then picked up the articles, picture frame and picture and placed them in the top drawer of my nightstand. I wanted to keep these things to myself for now. Maybe I would tell Joe about it later, for now I just needed to get my mind off of things so I picked up the phone and dialed Howie and invited myself to dinner.

I was willing to risk having to see Brian. Dinner with him couldn't be any worse than all the weird things I saw today. Could it?

I started to regret my decision to join the guys for dinner as soon as I got off the phone with Howie.

Trish had just informed me that tomorrow I would be leaving for about a week to do a series of radio interviews across the country to promote my first single off of my album. I was sure this would only add to the tension that would exist between me and the guys.

Wow, my album..what a crazy thought.

It really hasn't felt real until now. I was actually going through with this. Too late to back out now. A feeling of excitement coursed through me as I thought about what a huge step I was taking. It would actually feel great to get away from all the stress too. This whole stalker thing was starting to get to me.

Why would somebody want to scare a person like this? I hope that's all the Mizpah lady was doing because I had to admit, Those newspaper articles put a whole new frightening thought in my head. That kid who had disappeared turned up dead a year from when he went missing. Was it a complete coincidence that my little stalker choose both of those articles from two different years to put in my bag? I think not.

I stopped thinking about it and called Joe to let him know I was ready to go. I decided not to let Joe know about the things I found in my backpack. It was probably dumb on my part but I didn't think it would do any good. I think maybe she wants me to run to Joe, maybe if I don't she'll think I'm not taking her seriously and she'll back off and find someone else to annoy. Joe knocked on the door and we left for the restaurant.

"Hey Joe, the guys don't know about this and I don't want them too okay?"

Joe looked away from the window and acknowledged what I said by nodding his head in agreement. I was afraid that if one of them asked, especially Howie, Joe would let him know what was going on.

"Do you want me to sit at the table with you or do you want me out of view?" fair question

"Um how about you just stay out of sight"

"Sure thing"

The car stopped and he jumped out and opened my door and together we walked into the restaurant. The Maitre de showed me into the private room the guys occupied leaving my bodyguard right outside at his own table. Much to my chagrin, I noticed that Brain had joined the party as well. Sarah, J's fiance was also there. They all seemed to be in a heated debate about something and they didn't notice my entrance. I was able to catch the end of the conversation.

"So, Howie what's the friggin big deal I mean it's only a call right?" J nervously moved around in his chair as he was saying those words rubbing Sarah's back trying to calm her down.

"I know J but it's just getting a little creepy, he's calling me regularly now."

"He's playing a game" Brian chimed in.

"Who is playing a game?" I asked letting my presence be known. The question was met with three jumpy pairs of eyes and immediate silence.

"Nick you scared us, why didn't you knock?"

"Well, Brian, last I checked this was a restaurant and I didn't think you had to knock to eat"

Brian rolled his eyes at me. Great I've been here for two minutes and we're already fighting! fabulous. I sat down on the other side of J next to Howie.

"So, you didn't answer my question, who is playing games with who?" I asked as I picked up the menu.

"Oh it's nothing, just some silly prankster" Howie said.

I decided to drop it but not before it peeked my curiosity. They were hiding something. Interesting.

I looked over at Sarah who I hadn't seen in a while and smiled. "You're looking great sweetie, are you excited about the big wedding?" You can't go wrong asking a woman about their wedding and I knew that I bought myself at least an hour of listening to her jabber on about her big day.

At least it wasn't an awkward silence. God I hate those things.

---

I was right about Sarah. She went on and on about the wedding. Her dress, the reception, the invitations, the honeymoon blah blah blah. She managed to talk about the wedding from the time we ordered our food until it's arrival about 45 minutes later! Even though she was boring me to tears, I couldn't help but smile when I saw how happy the two of them looked.

Occasionally I looked at Howie and he would flash me this look of "Why did you ask about the wedding"

Even Brian looked up and smiled at me once.

When Sarah finally stopped talking about the wedding, we were halfway through our dinner.

I then looked at Brian and said "So Bri, how's Leigh doing?"

He looked up from his plate of pasta and said "She's fine" then he took a sip of wine and continued eating.

"So Nick, tell me how is your album coming along?"

My heart skipped a beat when Sarah asked me that question. I looked up and was met with Sarah's eyes but everyone else just looked down at their food.

"It's going good but I don't think everybody wants to know about that" I then stuffed another fork full of steak in my mouth.
"Of course we do Nick, tell us how's it coming along?" Well, since Sarah was so insistent on finding out how things were I told her.

"Okay, actually things couldn't be better. I pretty much narrowed my songlist down to the ones I want and Jive will be making their final decision by the end of the week. My first single debuts on radio this week." I looked up from my plate and my heart sank as I noticed that the only person who seemed to care about what I was saying was Sarah. I was angry when I continued, "Yup so I am leaving tomorrow for a week to do radio interviews and such to promote my song. I'm incredibly excited about it."

"You'll be gone for a week Nick?"

"Yup J that's what I just said"

"When are you coming back?"

"In a week Howie. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'll be back five days later."

"What are we supposed to do until then?"

"I don't know Brian, I guess you'll just have to record or something, kind of like what we did without you today" then there was my new found friend again. The awkward silence.

"Well, we are excited for you sweetheart"

"Thanks Sarah that's nice of you to say" even though I think you speak for yourself Then I took a sip from my iced tea and decided to change the subject with the good old uncomfortable silence standby.

"So how about them METs?"

"What?" Howie said looking confused and amused at the same time.

"The METs, you know, the baseball team from New York. I like them"

"You do?" wow Brian actually spoke to me without glaring amazing

"Sure why not they did win a world series didn't they?" see are my detective skills great or what?

"Yeah, they actually won twice." Thanks Bri but I'm looking for a year buddy give me a year

"When was that exactly?"

"Um, I think 1962" no ... too long ago "and 1986" BINGO!!

"So let me get this straight kid, you LOVE the METs but didn't know when they won the world series? You're a strange one you know that?" A.J said while shaking his head.

"He doesn't like the METs" Brian said as he motioned for the waiter to bring us more water.

"Okay you got me, just making conversation but now I've gotta make something else so excuse me a minute"

"Well that was just disgusting Nick" I heard Howie say as I went to find the bathroom.

When I got back from the bathroom, I heard the guys talking about whatever it was they didn't want me to hear. I stayed just outside the doorway this time to get some more dirt.

"well I don't care what anyone says Sarah, I think you should go stay with Mom for a little while. I'd feel better about it."

"I'm not leaving you Alex. There's safety in numbers"

"I think it's best Sarah, I sent Leigh away and I'm not even being threatened," huh was J being threatened?

"Go Sarah, we are keeping an eye on him and so are security. We have at least 5 right here in the restaurant out of site."

Howie's words seemed to convince her that J was going to be all right.

"Fine, if that's what you want babe, I'll go until this blows over" She then kissed A.J and got up to leave.

This must be serious to have so much security around. Nick thought as he realized maybe his problems were smaller than he thought compared to whatever hell J was dealing with.

I was suddenly face to face with Sarah and Bone as they were walking out the door.

"Hey, are you guys leaving already?" I asked as I gave Sarah a kiss on the cheek.

"Yeah, we've got wedding things to do. I guess I'll see you in a week. Stay out of trouble" then they both left and just like Howie said, shortly afterward five men who were obviously security walked out after them.

"Hi, is everything okay with Bone?" I asked as I sat back down.

"Why do you ask? did he say something to you?" Howie looked up at me after Brian asked me that question.

"Well....no..but I noticed he has a lot of extra security out there."

"You noticed, shit that's not good, they're supposed to be hidden" Howie now looked nervous and I felt bad for bringing it up.

"Actually D I overheard you guys talking about extra security for him. Is everything okay?" Both Brian and Howie let out a sigh of relief. Then Brian went on "It's no big deal, J's just been getting some scary threats. Nothing for you to worry about."

"I am worried, is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just look out for him and let us know if you see any strange guys around."

"He's not around enough to notice any weird guys and The maniac probably doesn't even know he exists so I'm sure he won't get any calls!"

I let that comment roll off my back even though it made me mad. I think Brian's new goal in life is to make me mad.

Brian then handed the waiter his tip and got up to leave.

"It was nice having dinner with you again Brian, thanks for paying"

I went to hug him but he just smiled and said "Bye guys, I guess I'll see you tomorrow D and you next week," he then walked out the door.

I just stood there watching him leave and once again I felt like crying. He hates me, I figured that out today. He's not mad at me he flat out hates me.

Howie came over to give me a hug that he saw I desperately needed. "I should go to Nicky, have fun this week. Don't worry, we're looking out for J, don't tell him you know. Security doesn't want many people to know about it" He then walked away leaving me pondering about so many things.

I can't believe how selfish I've been worrying about my little stalker while there is obviously a maniac after Bone. Ah well, I refuse to think about this anymore for the next week at least. I then gathered my things, signaled to Joe and walked back to my car excited about my upcoming week. Unaware that this would be the last time I would feel happy or excited about anything for a long long time...

It was nice getting away from all things Backstreet for a week and I was looking forward to just being able to get this single off the ground.

The night before I left for New York after having dinner with Howie, J and Brian I went back to the hotel and reflected on the things we talked about. I have been very reflective lately. All I seem to do anymore is over analyze everything.

One of the things that stuck out in my mind, besides J's maniac, was the fact that all of the conversations we had that night had to do with Sarah. If she wasn't there, I think we might have just found ourselves sitting in complete silence. This saddened me. There were many instances in our career when we could stay up and talk for hours at a time. Brian and I being the most notorious for doing that. I remember fondly one night maybe three years ago, the eve of our Sunday appearance on TRL. We had done Saturday Night Live that night and went to the cast party which kept us out until at least Three in the morning. Knowing we had to be at MTV by 8:30 that day, Brian and I decided to just stay up all night and talk.

"So Bri,what if they hate it" I asked him in the middle of us playing our third round of UNO.

"Hate what?"

"Millennium, what if they hate it?"

"Do you hate it Nick?"

"God, no how can you even ask me that?"

"Well, if you are happy with it and feel like you have done the best job possible, who cares what everyone else thinks?" I was so impressed with his thinking. He was right.

"I just don't want to be a failure Bri, I want people to like me"

I remember Brian stopping dead in his tracks, getting up, coming over to me and putting his arm around my shoulder. "You are much to young to worry about such silly things. Look around Nick. You are 19 years old, in an incredibly successful group, you've got plenty of money and every opportunity at your feet. I never want to hear you call yourself a failure. Do you understand me?" He grabbed my face in his hands to bring the point home. Then he repeated himself again. 'Do you understand me? if it all goes away tomorrow, you have been an incredible success and I am proud of you. Okay?" he made me feel so good when he said that.

"I love you Bri, you know that?"
"Yeah Nick I know, now I hate to burst your bubble but you have one card left and you forgot to say UNO!"

Just thinking about that conversation made me smile. It also mad me sad. I hadn't realized how much I missed his friendship until that moment. It felt wrong that I should be having such a pivotal thing happen to me without him or any of the other guys here to share it with me. I was so nervous. I was having the same doubts as I was about Millennium; yet this time I only had to comfort myself. I picked up the phone and dialed Brian's number, unfortunately, I got an answering machine.

"Howdy Y'all know the drill leave us a message and if we like ya we'll get back to ya!"

BEEP!

"Um..hi Brian, it's me Nick, look I was uh just uh calling to um say thanks for dinner again and it was nice spending time with you. I miss that. Um okay I guess that's all. Bye"

God could I sound anymore pathetic? Jesus Christ, all I forgot to say was I think you're really nice. I'm such a friggin loser!!!

Brian and I have always had such a strange relationship. Nobody thought it was normal for a thirteen year old boy to click so naturally with an eighteen year old teenager. Kevin would tell us how abnormal it was but we never cared. One of the things that drew me to Brian in the first place was his willingness to treat me like an equal. In Brian's eyes I was never a little kid, I was always a friend.

It was Brian who first referred to me as his little brother. "You know Nick, I have always been the youngest of my family. Including all of my cousins and everything, I think it's great that I finally have someone that can look up to me"

I looked away from my Nintendo long enough to laugh at him.

"Why are you laughing at me?"

"Because, I'm taller than you now."

Brian looked baffled about that statement and didn't get what that had to do with anything before letting his eyes tell me that he had finally gotten the joke. "Very funny, you're a regular comedian! Now let me play it's my turn."

The rest of that night we just played games and fooled around but I had kept those words he said to me and carried them in my heart even during the roughest of days.

I still look up to you Brian....After muttering those words under my breath I turned out the light and got ready for my big solo week.

---

The radio tour started in New York City where I did a little interview followed by the first ever premiere of my song. I got very emotional and giddy. I laughed throughout the whole song scaring the hell out of the DJ's I'm sure. I was happy when I mostly got positive feedback from everyone. I then moved on to Boston, Chicago, and Florida, before returning to the West coast. my family called me and so did most of my friends congratulating me on the single.

I was euphoric! bet you didn't know I knew that word right? Well, I was. I couldn't believe what seemed so long in the making was finally here. My happy thoughts took a turn once we got to our last stop of the mini tour. Kiss FM in Los Angeles.

It started out the same as all the others. Lot's of friendly banter with the DJ's and a quick explanation of the song and album. When it came time for questions from the fans, things started to go wrong for me.

All questions shifted focus from my song to the Backstreet Boys, more specifically, my relationship with them. They asked about the rumors about Brian and I not getting along and the boys wanting me out of the band. The DJ's really didn't help any because when they saw my fidgeting they realized they hit a gold mine. They kept pressing me about whether or not the boys were supportive of me and if they had even heard my single. They then made it a point of saying that the Nsyncers were extremely supportive of Justin. I knew there was only a matter of time before that happened. I wanted to shout NO! they hate me and couldn't care less that I am doing this as a matter of fact I think nothing would make them happier than to see me fail!!!

What came out of my mouth wasn't much better though. "Actually they haven't heard any of the songs on the album because it's not their type of thing. I can't worry about how they feel. this is for me not them." As I said that I actually heard Trish, gasp. Oops, I made a boo boo. Jesus like they heard it anyway. I'm sure they're not even listening you know because that would be supportive and God forbid we are supportive!

On our way out of the studio, I was handed a package. It wasn't until I opened it that I realized the Mizpah lady had made another visit. I opened the package and out came a letter. Same old stuff. Written in gibberish again with a little more text revealed:

frjgfvgdrgdfcjz;sdfjerigffjvnxlcvgndfgjdogijer;dogDSlkvmlkpovidzjr;oiajv;oreijveirjfoeirjf;oeijigjerofvfsdvkds;ofdjo;girdsjf;osifslkfmdvijoij;ogirelgkmj;ovijd;gkmerglrejg;osirj;odrijerlgjer
desfhvnfsijvrdfrejgepodwpefbhjtvkspckwprerrhepsaodwc,rgjeogvwjwjfc,That which is hard makes us stronger. It won't be long now which is too bad because I've enjoyed watching you squirm and wonder what is next well, life is going to get more interesting for you my young friend. I hope you can handle it. I always get what I want and I want you!
Mizpah, Nick
p.s. Genesis has always been my favorite!

The Genesis reference made me instantly realize that I was right about that weird phone call I got when "Take me Home" played in the background. I knew it was all related. But how and why?

"Who was that from?"

I looked up and saw both Trish and Joe staring at me. I decided to keep quiet about the letters from now on. There's no point in working everyone up about it and that's probably what she wants. So I lied. "Oh just a fan" I then put the letter back in the package and but it in my bookbag.

---

I ran up to my hotel room and quickly took the package out of my bag to see what else was in there besides the note. After rereading the letter, I emptied the remaining "presents" out on my bed. To my surprise I unwrapped my gift from the newspaper wrap to see a beautiful spiral bound journal. It was made of crushed red velvet and was just gorgeous. At least the crazy person has good taste! I opened it up to see if anything was written inside but nothing was there. I put the wrapping paper aside to examine it later and grabbed the other present. It was also wrapped in newspaper. I opened it up and saw that it was a photobook. One of those cheap ones you would find at a dollar store. It had enough plastic in there to hold about sixteen pictures and everyone was full. There were pictures of the group from 1998. Most of the pictures were real photos but a few of them were cut out of magazines. Angels and devils lined each picture as some kind of crazy frame. My head was circled in every single picture. The very last picture got my attention. It was of Brian and I sitting on the deck of a boat. He had his arm around me and we were both smiling. We looked so happy in that picture. Under that one, the words one from another were written in red ink.

"I'm not afraid of you you know! If you want me so bad why don't you just come and get me you sick bitch!" I yelled to my empty room.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Jesus Christ I was only kidding please don't kill me. I said as the shock of the knocking on the door made me fall of my bed.

"Nick are you in there it's Kev let me in please!" hearing Kevin's voice knocked me back to reality and I quickly gathered all of my stalkers gifts back in to their original package and put them in my top drawer of my dresser along with the other things I had collected from the Mizpah lady. "Hey Nick I heard you, open the damn door now!" Once I made sure everything was put away, I ran over to let Kev into my room.

I took a deep breath before opening the door to let Kevin in. When Kev was this eager to get in to anyone's room it was never a good sign. I had only been back at the hotel for less than one hour and I wasn't quite ready for the "Richardson roundtable" I reluctantly opened the door and in breezed Kevin like a whirlwind. He brushed past me and took a seat on the chair by the window.

"Hey what took you so long to answer the damn door! I was waiting like forever to get in here!" Hey great to see you too Kevin and yes my single got off the ground terrifically thanks for asking.

"Sorry man. I just got in and was trying to take a nap" I said as a pulled up a chair next to him.

"In your shoes?" What the hell is he talking about now? I thought to myself as he pointed to my shoes.

"Yeah, I said I'm tired. I left the shoe's on; too much work." I looked over at him and shrugged. "So, what can I do for you?"

He stood up and started to pace and I could feel the tension starting to thicken in the room. I wanted him to just get to whatever the hell it was he wanted to yell at me for so I could get back to my detective work. He instead kind of threw me off guard when he ducked down to my wet bar grabbed himself a drink and tossed me a beer.

"Uh Kev, is something wrong?" He was starting to worry me.

He came back over to his chair opened up the beer and said "Cheers!"

"Kev, seriously what's up you're starting to scare me now!" I didn't mean to raise my voice but he was really starting to piss me off and I already wasn't having a very good day.

"I just wanted to make sure you were all right that's all"

I was just about to start arguing when what he said registered in my head and all I did was look at him with a dopey expression on my face. "Huh?"

Kevin looked at me and laughed. "I got a weird phone call and I just wanted to come down here and make sure everything was all right. I didn't mean to scare you." He laughed again and continued to chug on his beer.

"What kind of weird phone call?" Now I was interested.

"Some freak called me and said he wanted my little brother" Oh my, was this the kind of phone call Howie and Brian were talking about.

"Well, Kev, in the context of the group, it could mean any one of us." I wasn't sure if I should tell him about AJ or not.
"You are the Big Brother of us all you know" I made sure I made that sarcastic finger gesture to show I was quoting pretty much the entire universe when I said that. He rolled his eyes at me showing me he was just as sick of the moniker as I was of being the "Baby"

"I know, but, I just figured he was talking about you" It was a he. Sounds like it's definitely J's maniac.

"Did you check up on J yet? I mean he's next in line right?" I decided to tell him without really telling him. "He could have easily been talking about him too. J is the one who gets most of the weirdoes!"

"This is true, but he made it sound like..I don't know man...I just assumed he meant you." He had a deep look of concern in his eyes as he said that and for the first time I started to think maybe it was Brian and J that were wrong as well.

"So what exactly did he say or was that it?" I asked him as I started to reach for my drawer of "Secrets" I thought maybe it was time to tell someone about all of this just in case this maniac was really after me and not J. Who better to confide in than Kevin.

"Just what I said, nothing else. You know man you're probably right. I mean maybe it was directed at J." That being said he stood up to leave. I was just about to stop him and tell him how scared I was about the Mizpah lady, if it was a lady, and finally spill my guts about the whole thing. I even had the newspaper in my hands when Kevin's mood slightly changed. "Oh by the way Kaos, I wasn't going to say anything until we all met tomorrow, but I didn't want you to feel attacked"

Instantly before I even heard the rest of the sentence he was about to say, I put the evidence, wow it was weird referring to it as evidence but I guess that's what it is now, back in the drawer.

"Attacked" I asked him as I closed my drawer shut.

"Yeah, the guys and I weren't really that happy that you took off with no notice for a whole week. It was pretty selfish and I for one am annoyed that I had to do your work as well as mine while you got to gallivant all over the damn place!"

I just stood there boiling on the inside and was just about to explode before thinking twice. "Well, whatever Kev, it's not like you guys had to stop working while I was gone or anything."

Kevin walked towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Don't get pissed Nick, I just wanted to warn you that's all. We'll talk more about it in our meeting tomorrow okay?"

I gave Kevin a half smile and a hug. I was going to be the big man from now on when it came to my "brothers"

"Okay, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

Before Kevin stepped out of my room, he back stepped, pulled me close and whispered in my ear "Nicky please be careful..just in case..watch your back for me" He then left.

I stood on the other side of the closed door and shut my eyes trying to make myself not think about the meeting tomorrow and instead think about Kev's concern. No such luck, I opened my eyes and headed for my drawer of "secrets."

---

I sat back down on my bed this time removing my shoes. I took out all of the info this person had given me over the last few encounters. Why did I think it was a woman? I mean I was so sure. It never really said anywhere that the Mizpah lady was an actual lady. I just kind of figured it was a girl. Way to show your chauvinist side Nick. Wow that really changes things a bit doesn't it? I decided to look at the gift wrap that my journal came in. Knowing it was newspaper I figured there might be another missing person or something on the page. I scanned the whole first side and there was nothing but movie times and what's going on in the area. I recognized a club that was mentioned and figured out it was a Tampa newspaper. HUH first New York than Florida. The psycho gets around! I flipped the page over and sure enough at the bottom right hand corner another missing person

Respected Businessman's Son Missing

John Buckman president of Buckman industries
in Tampa has offered a reward to anyone who might
have information on his youngest son's
mysterious disappearance.
Tye Buckman age 20 has been missing since October 1st.
He has Blonde hair and blue eyes
He was wearing a Black sweatshirt and jeans. He is 6ft 2in
and approximately 186 lbs.
If you have any information please contact the sheriff's office

I think I actually remember this happening. I was still living in Tampa at the time so it had to be late 80's early 90's. I don't think they ever found him. I remember the dad coming on the news and pleading with the kidnappers to let his son go. My Mom was so paranoid because it was extremely close to where we used to live, that she wouldn't let me go out alone for months.

I then quickly looked at the other piece of newspaper that was wrapped around the picture book to see if there was anymore to that story. Sure enough there it was.

Funeral Held for Buckman Son

Tye Buckman 21 will be laid to rest today
on the one year anniversary of his disappearance.
Buckman who had been missing since early October
of last year, turned up dead in a field only about one
mile from where he was originally taken. The police,
who are being sued for negligence in the case by John
Buckman CEO of Buckman Industries, refuse to admit
they were responsible in any way. "We searched this area
thoroughly last year and came up with nothing" Sergeant
Bickle said.

I didn't bother reading the rest of the funeral arrangements since I knew this was a while ago. I did notice a date on the top of this paper. October 1st 1991. Which means he was kidnapped in 1990.

Hmmmm first 1986 than 1990. Every four years maybe? that would mean that 1994 would be next. If I'm right. All that detective work made me exhausted and I decided to call it a night. I put everything away and went through my bed time routine. As I laid there in my bed, Kevin's words echoed in my head. They're going to attack me at our meeting tomorrow. I better be ready to defend myself. Then just before dozing off I remember thinking I should have told Kevin about this stuff.

I hope he doesn't feel guilty.

I awoke the next morning with butterflies in my stomach. I had a very hard, restless sleep and I was completely dreading this band meeting today. In a way, I was glad that Kevin had warned me about the issue I was going to face, but in another way, I really wish he hadn't said anything at all. I even contemplated calling in sick and skipping it all together but figured in the end that would only make things worse. so off I went to deal with whatever the guys were going to throw at me.

Joe and I made our way down to the car to take us over to Kevin's house. I hadn't been there in a while and I had almost forgotten how beautiful the place actually was. When we pulled into the long private drive, I took in the view of his mansion and smiled. if anything spoke Kevin's name this place certainly did. It was a huge stone brick mansion that had Ivy hanging from it's walls. You would think it was a university by the way it looked. the walkway was lined with all different colors of roses. That had to be Kristin's thing. It was Kevin's idea for us all to get a house of some kind here in Los Angeles because this was where we spent most of our downtime and recording time. AJ had almost immediately taken his cue from Kev and within a few months of the suggestion, had bought a place with Sarah only about fifteen minutes away. Howie was the next one to get a condo here even closer. Brian was reluctant at first. Leighanne didn't like the idea of ever calling LA home which I thought was retarded because she's an actress, but anyway, once he convinced her that they would only use this place for work, she agreed and they had moved in almost next door to Kev. as for me, I never bothered. I have a problem with buying houses unless I plan on living in them long term. Why waste the space. Let someone else buy it who will use it more than me. I have thought about renting an apartment but as of right now, hotels will suit me fie.

I exited the car and walked up to the huge front door and rang the bell. After a small eternity at least that is what it felt like, Kevin opened the door looking disheveled.

"Hey Nick, you're early" he said as I took in his appearance. He looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep at all.

"Sorry man, we left a little early anticipating traffic. You can park me in front of your t.v. while you get ready if you want." We walked through the main hallway and he stopped to look at himself in the mirror.

"Wow I really do look like shit don't I?" he said more to himself than to me. Then realizing he never responded to my statement he went on "No that's okay, the other guys are here anyway." That was odd. he acted so surprised to see me but everyone else is already here. The sickening reality hit me that they probably started this meeting without me and it was probably because it was about me.

Right then and there I wanted to just turn around and leave but I instead just followed Kevin all the way into his dining room. When we got there the other three guys were sitting there eating breakfast and having coffee. The tray of bagels was already half gone and the coffee was nearly empty. Yup they have been here for a while I thought as I greeted them and sat down.

"Hey Nick is early again, this is amazing!" AJ said trying to make a joke.

"Yeah or late depending on which meeting we are talking about" I said with a slight tinge of annoyance in my voice. I was going to be damned if I was gonna let them think that I didn't know they were talking about me when it was obvious that they were. I must have hit a nerve because the room was silent. I was getting really good at being the conversation breaker around here.

"Would you like some coffee or a bagel Nicky?" Howie asked trying to break the tension I had just caused in the room. I shook my head and sat down. I was hungry when I got there but suddenly lost my appetite.

"Well, okay, since we are all here, why don't we get started." Kevin said as he pulled out some notes. Kev was so anal when it came to our meetings. I had to laugh. He took them entirely too seriously. Even at meetings with Jive when our assistants were there, he would still take notes. He lived to be organized. I laughed out loud.

"What's so funny?" he asked me raising his eyebrows slightly. He then smiled because he knew the answer.

Kevin rambled on and on about all things Backstreet and I tried my hardest not to drift off into lala land. Kevin's voice is so relaxing to listen to that one can't help be hypnotized by the lazy quality of it. He would get so mad at me when I would zone out in meetings and interviews but the only time I was prone to do that was when he was speaking. I would come back to reality long enough to catch bits and pieces of what he was saying and from what I could tell we were discussing album titles and song selections. everyone was giving at least one title for the next album and we were supposed to think about it and be ready for today. naturally I hadn't even remembered that 'assignment' and was thinking about as many titles as I could come up with before Kevin got to me.

"Okay Nick, what did you come up with?" as he said that, it just came to me.

"How about something simple like BSB or maybe even just Backstreet. We are toning down our image right? well why not make the name as simple as possible."

"Huh, I kind of like that. The kid has a point. We'll definitely keep that in mind." wow did I actually do something right? and was that AJ that actually gave me a compliment? bizarre. Kevin then continued on about song selections and only one of the six songs he and I had worked on was voted to go through to Jive as a demo. We were both disappointed but that's how it goes in a band. We were just about to adjourn when what I was dreading happened.

"Okay, well before we end this very productive meeting, Way to go gentlemen, I know there was one more thing we had wanted to discuss so I'll give the floor to you AJ" that being said Kevin sat back down after giving me a sympathetic smile. Oh shit, here it comes! I thought as I took a deep breath and made eye contact with J.

AJ started to play with his coffee mug as he began. Never looking directly at me.

"Um, this is hard but it's something we have been talking about for the last month. We weren't sure if we should confront you about it but after you disappeared last week, we thought it was time." He then looked up at me as if he wasn't sure I realized he was talking to me. Once he saw me gazing at him, his eyes dropped back down to his cup. "We don't think you are really taking this band seriously anymore Nick. We have been concerned ever since you went solo pretty much behind our backs and since then we have definitely not been your first priority." I was listening but found my own eyes going down to the floor. This was going to be rough. " We have been working more as a foursome then a five some. We have covered for you when you have just been too irresponsible to show up for things and I for one am tired of it."

"Nick, it's one thing to go solo but then to just up and leave without telling anyone is down right rude." I didn't look up but the voice belonged to Brian. "We had a lot of stuff planned this past week and we couldn't do half of it because you weren't there." He paused for a second before going on "We have decided that maybe you shouldn't have such a big part on this album. You could maybe just be in the background and leave the solo parts to the four of us. That way if you take off again, we won't be screwed!"

There was silence again but I was still afraid to look up. I said while still staring at the floor "Do you all feel this way?"

"Yes Nick we all do." That was Kevin "You just can't keep wanting to do your own thing and expect us to cover for you. You're not a child anymore."

I nodded in agreement. There was nothing to really argue with. I looked up and made eye contact with Howie. The only person who had kept quiet to notice he had his head down too. I then looked over at AJ as he once again took his turn. "You know Nick, I'm sad to say this but you have disappointed us all. I never thought you would have put anything other than the band first and I am sad it has had to come to this."

There it was again, the feeling of sadness hitting my heart like a ton of bricks making it even hard to take a deep breath.

"Do you have anything you want to say to us?" Brian asked me. I know they were expecting an apology of some kind but as I opened my mouth to speak, I wasn't actually sure of what I was going to say.

"Yes, actually, I do" I paused for a minute to get my thoughts organized in my head and then I went for it. "First of all, I wanted to say I am sorry, I'm sorry for leaving at the last minute. You were right Brian. That was rude. I didn't even know I was going myself until the night before. It's no excuse I know but still for that I apologize."

I made sure I made eye contact with Brian as I said that. He looked up at me and smiled. Then I continued "I'm sorry for being distracted and you're right too J, I haven't been putting the band first." I then sighed as I knew what I had to say next was going to be one of the hardest speeches I would ever have to make. " Most of all I am sorry for thinking that I could count on you, my brothers, to understand how extremely important this solo thing has been to me."

Just then, Kevin tried to interrupt me but was suddenly hushed by Howie. "We spoke our concerns, let him voice his."

"Thanks D. You know, I love you guys more than anything in the world. We share a bond even greater than I have with my own family. You have all helped to raise me and I can't even express how important each and every one of you are to me. I have tried on several occasions to let you know, but I'm not sure if you guys actually get it. Now I know you don't. If this was any one of you, I would be behind you one hundred percent. I would be the first person signed on to your fan club, as a matter of fact AJ, I WAS when it came to Johnny No Name. All through the ten years we have been together, I have supported each one of you in your lives. When you Brian and you Kevin, decided to get married we all agreed as a group to take some time off for you to get things in order. No one complained or whined we just did it. When J needed to go to rehab, we put our lives on hold. Again, who cares about the band. You came first. No questions asked. D has never asked for much but I'm sure if and when the time does come that he needs something, we will be there for him because we love him. Why don't those rules apply to me? I have asked myself that question since I was fifteen years old. I was called a baby when all I yearned for was to be at home like any other teenager boy. I was told I couldn't go to college after getting pamphlets to several Universities after I unceremoniously graduated from high school. I was told that I couldn't let the world know I had a girlfriend because the teeny boppers would care to much. My whole life has been about not putting me first. EVER! Well, I did something stupid and I decided to follow at least one dream that was just mine. Nobody else's. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to tell everyone especially you Brian. I knew if anyone was going to be happy for me it was going to be you. But I was wrong. You weren't happy."

Now that I knew they were listening to me I started to make eye contact. I stared at Brian.

"Did you know how important this past week was to me? This was my wife, my first born child, my baby." I felt tears forming in the corner of my eyes so I looked back down at the floor. One thing I didn't want to happen in this meeting was me crying. No way in hell was I going to let that happen. "All I wanted was your approval. I wanted you to be a little happy for me. At all the interviews I did every one of them asked how do the guys like your new stuff? I had to lie over and over again because I was too embarrassed to say they didn't even care to hear it. None of you even asked about how things went. How could I have been so stupid all these years to think you guys actually cared about me? It's always been about business hasn't it? I've been so naive. God, all I've ever wanted and needed was your approval. If one of you said I'm proud of you, it would have made my entire life. The thing is, I still love you guys and I still care about what you think. Isn't that dumb!" I laughed still looking down at the floor. "I've decided that I'm gonna quit. Not now, so don't worry, I know you don't want any bad press and I want your new album to be a success. I'll wait until after the last single is released before I make the announcement. I will sign anything you want me to. I don't care about money. I never have." I laughed again this time looking up to be met with four pairs of unbelieving eyes. "I only stayed this long because I loved being with you guys." I smiled as I said "But like Kevin said, I'm not a child anymore and I know there is no such thing as a happy ending. No hard feelings."

When I was finished, I quickly excused myself from the table only to be met with complete silence. After I left the room I felt the tears escape my eyes and run down my cheeks. Without looking back, I walked out the door and headed for the car...

I ran to my hotel room and locked myself in the bathroom. When I knew I was safely shielded away from the world, I totally let my emotions out. Rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor I cried like I've never cried before. I sobbed so deep and hard that I found myself hyperventilating. Oh my God what have I done? I said out loud to the empty space. I can't believe I actually went through with it. During the course of my sleepless night, I had figured as a worst case scenario, that I would resign from the band. I didn't believe it actually came to that. At that moment, I wanted to run out of the bathroom all the way back to Kevin's house to take back what I said. That was if I could will myself to move, but I was so distraught that all I was able to do was cry.

I did a lot of reevaluating of my life in that bathroom. I sat there staring at the walls as I felt myself growing up. In that instant, I became an adult. That thought made me stop the crying and I sat thinking about the future. What happens next? Is that it? I had pictured that day so many times in my head but it had never happened like that before. In every scenario I had ever thought of, it was never me quitting the band.

When J went into rehab, I was convinced that was it for us. No more Backstreet ever. It was impossible to think that we would be able to handle all the crap that we would receive as a result of admitting to be human. Then when AJ first came out of the hospital, there was a time that he thought that he wouldn't be joining us again. When he had announced that to the four of us my heart had just stopped. I saw all my dreams come crashing down and I refused to believe it would come to that. I was right. It didn't. J had decided that with our help he would be able to get thru the rough times and our fans also came through letting us know it was okay to make mistakes. Everything worked out in the end. Maybe this would too.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the ringing of my cell phone. Afraid to answer it, I just let it ring. I wasn't ready to talk to them yet. Or worse than that, I wasn't ready to accept the fact that it probably wasn't them calling. I tried to push those childlike thoughts out of my mind. I was an adult now and there was no time to think like a kid. Oh how I so wanted them to come barreling down my door and begging for my forgiveness. Come back to us Nick, we were so mean and awful to you. Will you ever forgive us? as they all hug me. Like I told Kevin, there's no such thing as a happy ending.

I looked at my watch to see that I had been in the damn bathroom for over two hours. Jesus Christ Nick, why don't you just move your stuff in here you loser! I had to laugh at my thoughts even though I was still devastated. It was as if it was all too much to grasp. I checked my phone to see if anyone had left a message and I sighed when I saw that nobody had. Why are you so surprised Carter, you know they wanted this to happen right? I than found myself disgusted with the thought that maybe they were still at Kevin's celebrating. I had just made their lives easier by quitting. Maybe they were going to kick me out. I made the right decision I said as I stood up and sprayed some water on my face. I ignored the ringing of my cellphone again and walked out into my hotel room.

I decided to try to take my mind off things and figure out more about my little psychopath. Now, just how messed up is your life that the only way you can distract yourself from how miserable you are is by being obsessed with someone who is sending you threats. My life is more pathetic than a bad soap opera!!! I thought as I opened my drawer of "Mizpah fun" That is exactly what it had become for me. A strange obsession. It got to the point that I wasn't even scared anymore, just determined to get to the bottom of this and solve a big mystery. It had become the same as an old "Scooby Doo" cartoon. I'm not sure why I thought about it that way, the threats were incredibly disturbing and real, but like everything else in my life at that point, it seemed unimaginable.

Almost on cue with my thoughts, I heard a shuffling under my door to see a letter being pushed through. Then I heard the sound of footsteps running away. My heart actually stopped beating for what seemed like forever but only long enough for me to take a quick gasp of air. I ran over to the door and opened it. Looking down the hall I was met with complete silence so I closed the door again, picked up the envelope and ventured over to my bed. I felt the envelope for any possible bulges and when I didn't feel any, I opened it up.

It was another page of newspaper but this time there was a letter from my Mizpah person glued to one side. The letter was starting to make more sense as the gibberish slowly was being replaced by real words. I didn't get a chance to read through it because there was a sudden loud knock on the door.

Instinct made me throw my stuff back into the drawer before slowly approaching the knocking. I really wasn't ready to deal with one of the boys just yet but every feeling I had told me it was going to be one of them. Please be Howie, please be Howie I kept saying over and over again until I willed myself to open the door.

"Hey sweetheart, can I come in for a minute?" Trish asked as I looked surprised and disappointed to see her.

"Can it wait I'm kind of busy" I said as she ignored me and made herself comfortable on my couch. Why bother asking if your gonna come in anyway? I thought while taking a seat next to her.

"Busy? Clearly that's the poorest excuse you have ever come up with. Remember I would be the one to know if you were busy" she smiled at me.

"Well, I could have had a lady in here and you could have just walked in on a session of Carter Love 101" I said in my best sexy voice.

"Yeah wishful thinking sweetie!" she said as she lovingly rubbed my back. "Now tell me what the hell happened at your meeting?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because I have been getting calls from Kevin and Howie for the last hour wanting to know if you were all right. They said you were VERY upset when you left and you haven't been answering your phone." She paused long enough to take a sip of water "So what did you guys fight about?"

"I kind a quit the band" I said refusing to make it seem like the big deal I knew it was.

"Pardon me? Did I just hear you right? did you just say that you quit the band?" the look on her face told me I was in for an ass chewing.

"Yes, you heard me right. I quit the band." I said as I took her water and gulped some down.

"Are you on crack or something? What the hell is wrong with you?" she hit me on the back of my head.

"I'm tired of the bullshit Trish they treat me like dirt and I'm sick of it. So I quit. end of story"

"WHa..what end of story? Are you insane Nick? you just can't quit the band like that especially without warning anybody. Jive will have your ass!!!"

"Well they can have my ass if they want it, after all everyone thinks it's big enough to share right?" I laughed at myself as I tried to take another sip of water. Trish pulled it away from my mouth and held my chin so I couldn't look down at the floor.

"You need to talk to them again Nick. You can't just run away from your problems. Life doesn't work that way"

"I want it too. I'm tired Trish"

"I know baby but the lifestyle you chose, doesn't permit you to runaway. Talk to them kiddo, they're your friends. They'll understand. Kevin and Howie are worried sick. Give them a call."

"You're my assistant why don't you give them a call? Isn't that why I pay you the big bucks?"

"I'm your assistant not your mommy. I love you to death you know that but you have to be the one to do this. You can't quit. Your solo album will not see the light of day if you quit. You know that. Besides who are you without the boys?" I looked at her as I felt all the emotion flooding back into me.

"That's the problem Trish I have no idea." I leaned on her shoulder and started to cry.

She softly rubbed my arms in loving circles as she tried to console me. "Shhhh it's okay. Everything will be all right. It will all work out in the end. I promise." She kissed the top of my head and just rocked with me back and forth. As the phone rang in the background...

I was angry. Simple as that, there was no other way to describe it. As I sat and listened to Nick ramble on and on, I got angry. Then he said he was quitting and my anger took a turn to dismay which is where it has been sitting ever since. I didn't mean for things to get as out of hand as it did. I thought he would understand where we were coming from but I was floored to say the least. When Nick had finished his speech and left the room we all sat dumbfounded. None of us even said a word, just took turns staring at each other like a pack of morons.

The thing that I am most ashamed of, is that we let him go. We let him walk out of the room and leave without so much as a peep from any of us. I should've run after him, brought him back into the room and apologized. That didn't happen. We didn't mean it too but his words took us all by surprise and no one could move.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, J was the first one to speak.

"What the Fuck was that all about? He needs to learn how to take a little constructive criticism." I know he was trying to be funny but none of us were laughing. I looked over at Kevin and he seemed lost.

"Do you think that was true?" He asked me. I had no idea what he was talking about so I just nodded. Kevin picking that up continued "You know, did he really want to go to college that badly and did someone actually tell him he couldn't?"

I thought it was odd that of all the things Nick said, Kev chose that to fixate on, but I figured it was shock.

"Yeah, he had filled out an application to Florida State, he even got as far as searching for some of his old teachers for recommendations but Johnnie told him he shouldn't pursue that just yet. Lou had told him he was being selfish and that he needed to put the band first." As the words were flowing from my mouth it started to dawn on me how much of a sacrifice that was for Nick. I wanted to cry, "So, he did give it up." I made eye contact with AJ as I finished "For us."

"I wish I had known that" Kev said as he sighed and took a sip of his now cold coffee. I looked over at Howie to see him shaking his head.

"What are you thinking D?" I asked him.

He stood up and looked out the window. "I'm thinking that I don't know how to fix this. Not this time. I'm thinking I should have stepped in and said something before it escalated to him quitting and I'm thinking that we've lost him for good. I never thought I could make someone feel that bad ever! I'm beside myself. How bad are we when we can't even convince a kid we have known forever that we care about what he has to say? I'm beside myself. I'm so tired of this." He never took his eyes off of the window when he said that. That told me how much truth there was to what he was saying. D didn't like to show his emotions and when he was bothered by something, he would rarely look at any of us.

"Well, what do we do now?" AJ asked no one in particular.

Kev spoke up after thinking about the answer to that question. "We talk to him" he then nodded and repeated what he just said "we talk to him," almost to make sure it was the right choice.
"Who should talk to him?" Howie asked and I instantly caught everyone staring at me.

"I think we ALL need to do this" J said. "Not just Brian." I was relieved when he said that. I knew I needed to talk to Nick but our conversation would have to be just the two of us.

The right words were going to be so hard to come by. I wanted to say so much to him. Maybe if I wrote it in the form of a song, it might be easier.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when something fell in my lap. I looked down to see a sheet of newspaper. "Huh, where did that come from?" I asked Kev as he was clearing the plates.

He picked up the paper, looked at it and then handed it back to me. "I have no idea but it's not mine." He then continued to pick up plates from the table. That's odd I then pushed the paper from my thoughts and drifted back to Nick.

How do I even begin to make things better between the two of us? I have been such a bad friend. seeing the hurt in his eyes was awful. Hurt that MY words caused. Like Howie said, I don't know how to make things right between us. So much time has passed with us being estranged. I'm almost too embarrassed to apologize to him. I looked down at the floor trying to make sense of all this.

"Guys, I think I should go see Nick alone. If we all show up he might think we were ganging up on him" Kevin said as he got up to leave.

"I want to come too" Howie said as the two made their way out of the dining room.

"Don't you think we should all go together Rok? I mean it was you and me that really attacked him today, not them." I heard J but I was still trying to calm myself down. When I didn't answer him, he turned his attention to the newspaper that had been under my plate. He picked it up and was making an airplane out of it while talking, "Brian, if he hadn't quit would you be second guessing our decision"

That was such a good question. Everything J and I had said was true, but I still think I would maybe do it differently now.
"Yup, I would as a matter of fact as the words were coming out of my mouth I already did" He ooked at me and I could tell he felt the same way.

"Holy shit, man did you write this on here?" he asked me as I saw him really examining the paper now. "Write what?" He than pointed to what he was talking about. Right above a missing person, was the word MIZPAH written very small in red ink.

"Oh my gosh, I didn't notice that before" I then looked at the article that the word was on top of to see that it was a guy about AJ's age who had been missing for a year before turning up dead. "J this is creepy. How did it get in here?" Just than, J's cell phone rang making us both jump.

"Hello?...hello?" before hanging up he looked over at me and I knew it was the psycho. AJ hung up the phone and looked distressed. "Whatever this son of a bitch is going to do it's going to happen soon because he never called me before."

Those words chilled me to the bone. I looked back down at the newspaper and saw in the corner in very small print he's mine. I decided not to tell AJ about that one.

"Why do you think he wants me anyway?" he asked while getting up to stretch his legs.

"I don't know J, you just seem to attract all the strange homicidal types"

"It's funny that he would say I want J to you and say to D that he wants his younger brother. It makes no sense."

I froze in my tracks. Did he ever mention J's name?

"What's wrong Rok?" J asked seeing the stressed look on my face.

I just shrugged him off but now too many thoughts were going through my mind. Did he say I want AJ or did he say I want your younger brother? than suddenly everything started to fall into place. The phone calls to MY phone. MY best friend. MY little brother. My heart started to race and all I said when I looked at J was "Nick"

Trish held me for a while letting me cry on her shoulder as if I was a little boy. She was great for things like that. She has been my assistant for so long that she had crossed over from being a worker to a friend. I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling while Trish checked her messages.

"Kevin called and said he was on his way over to talk to you. He wants me to call him first to let him know if I have heard from you. What should I tell him?"

That was a good question. I thought about maybe having her say I had left to go back home but he wouldn't believe that so I just told her to tell him not to bother coming out because I'm fine.

She was afraid to leave me alone but after convincing her that I would be okay she left. I was alone with my thoughts. A place I didn't enjoy being. I laid down on the bed staring up at the ceiling trying to will myself to fall asleep. Should I even answer the door when Kevin comes? If Kevin comes. I sat up and sighed knowing sleep wasn't on the agenda. I made my way over to the fridge realizing I hadn't eaten anything yet. I suddenly felt ravenous but the only thing in the hotel fridge was junk. I was trying my best to stay away from that stuff so I closed the fridge and instead picked up the room service menu. I made a call down to the front desk for a Chicken Caesar salad and an iced tea. Good boy Nick..even in times of whoa, you are eating healthier. Yey me! I then went back to the fridge, picked up a thing of brownies and sank my teeth into them. Ah well, so much for that.

Just then, it had occurred to me that I never finished investigating the latest article I had received from my stalker. I ran over to my dresser and took out the newspaper article. this was a little different because there was only one sheet of paper as opposed to two. There was also no gift this time. I looked at the paper and before reading the letter I scanned the articles to see if there was another missing person. Sure enough there was.

Reporter for Local News Station Missing:

Police reports came in earlier this week
that Robin Abraham 24, had been missing for
a little over two weeks. The family of Mr. Abraham
reportedly told the detective in charge of the case,
that their son had been working on a story that had Robin
afraid for his life. Foul play is suspected.
The Abraham's are offering a reward for any information
that can lead the police on the right track

There was a picture next to the article of a man about my height and build. He looked so happy in the picture. Poor guy. It made me sick to know that he along with all the others before him probably turned up dead a year after this picture was posted. I threw the rest of my brownie away and just stared at Robin again. I wonder if it was painless for him. I wonder if he got articles about other guys in the mail before he was taken. I wonder if someone will get an article about me...

I refused to let my mind go down that road and choose to turn the article over and read the letter instead. Like I said earlier, it was beginning to make a little more sense but to say that I totally understood it would be a gross understatement. It still wasn't making much sense to me at all.

frjgfvgdrgdfcjz;sdfjerigffjvnxlcvgndfgjdogijer;dogDSlkvmlkpovidzjr;oiajv;oreijveirjfoeirjf;oeijigjerofvfsdvkds;ofdjo;girdsjf;osifslkfmdvijoij;ogirelgkmj;ovijd;gkmerglrejg;osirj;odrijerlgjer
desfhvnfsijvrdfrejgepodwpefbhjtvkspckwprerrhepsaodwc,rgjeogvwjwjfc,Jacob took the stones and made a memorial pillar. Just like the pile of stones that Laban was talking about, Just like the pile of stones that will surround you. We must also make an agreement. That which is hard makes us stronger. It won't be long now which is too bad because I've enjoyed watching you squirm and wonder what is next well, life is going to get more interesting for you my young friend. I hope you can handle it. I always get what I want and I want you!
Mizpah, Nick
p.s. My father always said that when you die, if you've had five real friends then you've had a great life! - Lee Iacocca Have you had a great life my young friend?

There were angels drawn all over this side of the paper and a triangle filled with circles was in the bottom corner. Stones I thought to myself.

KNOCK KNOCK

Holy shit! When the rapping at the door happened I felt my heart beat so fast it hurt my head. I need to stop psyching myself out! I said as I made my way to the door. I had completely forgotten that I had ordered room service. When I got right beside the door, the thought that it could possibly be Kevin made me remain silent until I heard the guy actually say "Room service" I opened up the door gave the guy a generous tip and sat at the table. Despite my squirming stomach I actually finished up the salad pretty quickly. I was finishing up my iced tea when I started to see writing at the bottom of the glass. Not having enough patience to finish sipping I emptied the contents of the glass onto the table so I could make out what was written underneath the liquid.

It was one little word written over and over again......Watchpost

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Watchpost? I don't get it. I don't get it!!!! What the hell are you trying to tell me Dammit!!! I found myself yelling at the glass until I was so frustrated that I threw it across the floor. It shattered into a million pieces on the floor. Okay breath Nick, you are being ridiculous. I took a few deep breaths and decided to clean up my mess. I went into the bathroom and grabbed some toilet paper to clean the tea off of the table before carefully collecting the glass shards and placing them in the trash. I felt a little better now.

I still couldn't figure out what a Watchpost was or what it meant. The quote that was at the bottom of my letter hit home though. Have I had a good life? I would like to think so. I have been blessed but if the definition of true happiness was five good friends then maybe not. Maybe Watchpost had something to do with the guys. Maybe it meant that this guy could tell that my friends weren't looking out for me. Great even raging lunatics could tell that we were fighting!!!

I picked up the paper again to see if there was a date anywhere on it and just as I had expected, the year was 1994. It didn't mention where this abduction had happened but my guess was it was in a different location from the others. My cellphone rang once again and this time I thought I'd be brave and just answer it. I couldn't hide from the guys forever.

"Hello?" silence all too familiar now. I felt frustrated, angry and like I said, brave so I kept going "All right, cut the crap, I know it's you so what do you want from me? Get to the fucking point because I'm tired of playing games!"

"Nick?" Oh Jesus Christ you've got to be kidding me. Just then he heard Brian's voice again. "Nick is everything all right? hello?"

"Oh hi Bri, look I'm fine but I don't feel like talking right now. Call me later if you want. I'm done sparing for the day." I hung up on him and once again let my anger get the best of me by throwing my cellphone against the wall.

I'm tired of this shit!!!! I screamed so loud I actually heard the boom of my voice echoing off the walls.

"Nick! Are you all right in there, let me in it's Kev!!!" i just have the best timing in the world I thought while Kevin continued to frantically knock on the door.

Kevin's relentless pounding began to give me a headache so after a few minutes I decided to let him in. I opened the door enough to just be able to stick my head out but it was useless because the minute that door opened, Kevin pushed his way inside actually knocking me down.

"Why the hell didn't you answer me? Do you have ANY idea how worried we were about you?" He screamed at me as he gave me his hand and helped me up.

"And what the hell was all that banging and screaming about? I thought someone was killing you or something!" I looked into his menacing green eyes and relaxed when I saw the deep concern that was reflected in them. Concern was better than anger when dealing with Kevin.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to be worried. I was just yelling at my cell phone."

"I see it must have lost the battle then" Howie said as he entered the room with Joe. I was trying to make sense of what D had said so to help me he pointed at my cracked phone that was now lying on the floor. I just nodded and smiled suddenly feeling a little too uncomfortable to be the center of all the attention. I used to enjoy that, but ever since I had made my way back to BSB, being the center of attention meant that everyone was mad at you.

Joe looked at the three of us like we were all insane before looking at me to give him some kind of sign as to whether I wanted him to leave or not. "Joe, sorry they came and got you for no reason, go eat some lunch or something." With that being said he left the room, leaving me with my two eldest bandmates.

Howie reached down and picked up my phone noticing that there was still some broken glass on the floor. "Um...what else did you break Nicky?" He asked me while cleaning the last few pieces of glass. He looked in the garbage can and said "Oh, I see..nevermind. Looks like the score is Nick one, phone and glass nothing!" he laughed at his own awful joke and sat on my bed.

Kevin continued to stare at me until it made me uncomfortable. I was the first to break eye contact and sat down next to Howie. Only after I was seated Kevin moved a chair right across from me as if he wanted the staring match to continue. I was getting angry now.

"So what the hell are you guys doing here anyway? I thought we had said all that needed to be said at our little meeting, unless you have a whole nother list of complaints you want to pass my way!" I was trying to be as sarcastic as possible. Nobody laughed.

"Nicky, we know what we said hurt you before. We" I cut Howie off right there. "Howie it was them not you, you didn't say anything. Do you want to now? is that why you're here?" I knew he was only trying to help but it was always easiest to attack him when I was mad mostly because I knew he would never lay a hand on me. I wasn't expecting what came next.

"Yes, actually, sure why not, let me have my say. I kept quiet in that meeting today because I didn't want them to blind side you. I did agree with one thing that was said though," I was speechless, Howie's tone was loud and intimidating. "I agree that you should have done something just for you! Never put business first, if that had meant telling us to screw off to go to college, than that's what you should have done!" He then grabbed me by my shoulders and actually SHOOK me when he said "And another thing kid, how can you possibly think we don't care about you? I am personally offended by that!" He then pulled me into an embrace. He hugged me so tight that I started to cry. Two minutes later there was another warm body hugging me from behind and I suddenly felt so safe that I wanted to fall asleep.

We broke from our embrace and I suddenly felt like an idiot because I had cried. Kevin handed me some tissues and I gratefully accepted them. He sat next to me putting his arm around me. "Kiddo, we never wanted you to quit. You have to understand that. we love you Nicky and we really didn't mean to hurt you. That wasn't the intention."

I looked over at Kevin and said "Then what was the intention? You guys must have known that by saying that stuff I would get all upset!" I looked over to D for some kind of answer. He was looking at Kevin.

"Yeah Nick we figured that what we said would upset you but we had no idea how you were feeling."

That made me sit up a little straighter. "I know you didn't know how I was feeling because since February, you guys haven't much asked." I felt the need to stand up so I did and began to pace around the room. "I know you guys were mad at me for doing this but it's something I had to do" I looked over at Kevin "That's why maybe I should quit. I can't deal with you guys resenting me and not being happy for me. It hurts too much. I'm tired of hurting too much."

They both looked a little shocked by the last statement, like they didn't realize that maybe I had a tough year. On cue Howie said "Why do you hurt? What's wrong Nick?"

I laughed, "Well...D. It's not easy making a huge decision with essentially no support. It's not easy..it hasn't been easy...losing you guys." Even saying those words hurt. I didn't want to lose them but I had. They did everything as a foursome now and what's worse they looked happy doing it. somehow I felt out of place. I just needed to admit that to them as well as myself.

Feeling the need to start crying again I opted for the safe very Nick thing to do, put on the TV and flip through the channels. That didn't last long because Kevin immediately shut it off.

"You haven't lost us Nick, we have been right here all along." I wanted to stop him afraid that he would burst into song but I let him go on anyway. "You have been shutting us out of your life, not the other way around."

I never thought about it that way before.

Kevin sat on the floor across from me, put his hands on my legs and went on "How many times have I called you since our break? And out of those times how many did you actually return?" I thought about it and could honestly say maybe once.

Howie than took over, "I know we have all tried to get in touch with you only to be blown off, that hurts too you know"

I gave a sympathetic smile before saying almost under my breath "Not Brian" I sat back on the bed feeling like a lost child. "I didn't realize that I had blown you guys off. I was just confused. I didn't want to be yelled at or lectured to. You were all doing your own things and I somehow just didn't fit into the mix anymore. You all grew up without me. I know that makes me sound like a baby but I can't help how I feel." Kevin stood up only to plop down next to me on the bed and firmly put his arm around me. I looked at Howie who had taken a place on the floor sitting with his legs crossed pretzel style. "I didn't do this for spite, I know that's probably what J and Brian think, I did this because I needed to. I needed to grow up a bit out of everyone's shadow. this album has helped me to do that. It really has. I hate the fact that you guys aren't happy for me or proud of me. I guess I do know you care, But I need you to be happy for me. Even if you have to lie about it. I can't let this album be the reason you guys start to hate me." I looked down at the floor. I was done and just waiting for the lecture. It never came.

Kevin stood up and walked over to the door. I thought I made him mad enough to storm out or something but he was just stretching.

"Nick, we should have told you this... I should have told you this when I visited you last night, but I didn't even think about it. I'll tell you now though because I think you need to hear it. Yesterday morning when we were all in the studio working, Glenn had the radio on very softly in the background in the control room. It's not because he wanted to hear Sk8ter Boi, It's because Brian wanted to hear what you had to say."

I thought to myself oh great he must have loved my comment about the guys not even hearing the CD. Maybe that was why they attacked me today. They were angry or something...I came out of my thoughts and back to what Kev was trying to tell me.

"We worked all morning but when the station announced you were there, we stopped. We listened to your interview and we laughed when you were funny and we were silent when you were serious. We listened to every word you spoke and when you said that we hadn't heard your stuff yet and the way the stupid ass radio guy made you feel, we hurt for you. When your song came on and you sounded so happy, we high fived, clapped and cried. All for you Nick. Why? because" Kevin started to choke up as he continued, "Because we were so proud of you. We are so proud of you. All of us. You sounded so mature and professional and happy. I like that on you. When your song was over we opened a bottle of champagne and toasted you. Brian said way to go little Bro" Then we went back to work.

I was speechless, me Nick Carter totally speechless. I finally contained my emotions enough to get out "You...did that..for..me?"

Howie answered "Of course we did Nicky. We are a brotherhood. You are and always will be a member of that brotherhood. The baby of the family. the baby who has grown up but maybe needs some more growing to do. Take your time with that Nick. You've had to grow up too fast." We then embraced in another group hug.

Getting up to leave, Kevin said "I hope you reconsider your decision to leave us Nick, we want you to stay. Sleep on it and give us a call in the morning."

"Yeah, don't blow us off." We all laughed at Howie's words. We hugged again and I walked them to the door.

When they left I stood in a happy disbelief, thinking they did that for me?...

After Howie and Kevin left the room, I stood and stared at the door in disbelief. I couldn't believe what Kevin had told me. It was everything that I needed to hear. Even the best script writer couldn't have told it better. It was almost too good to be real. In the land of show business, you have to be Leary when things start to fall your way. It was almost as if now I was waiting for the ax to fall.

I figured that the "ax" in my case would take the form of Brian. I never bothered to ask Kevin or Howie why Brian and AJ didn't bother to come with them to see me. I figured they had their reasons. I was surprised when Brian called me but I didn't want to get too excited about it. I did hang up on him rather abruptly and I'm sure any second thoughts he may have had about his little speech, was laid to rest by my abrupt attitude with him on the phone.

I made my way over to the bed and sat down trying to remember the exact words Kevin had used to describe how they reacted to my song. I know it was ridiculous of me to act that way, but I really was a sap at heart. It's funny how you never really understand how important someone's opinion is to you until the moment when they stop giving it. That's how I realized how much the guys meant to me. That very day in fact, is when I figured it all out...

The phone ringing pulled me out of my thoughts. I reluctantly came back to reality long enough to answer. Ready to embrace anything that Brian or anybody else was ready to say to me.

"Hello Nick speaking..."

I heard a few clicks, then a song started to play. It sounded very far away. Like a recording made from an old record player. I listened to it until the person on the other end hung up the phone. Entranced by every word of the ballad I tried to make out some kind of connection between me and the song. Yet none came.

After I hung up, I found myself humming it and trying to coax the words back into my memory. "there's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he, turns out to be..."

Someone To Watch Over Me. That was the name of the song. Watchpost, watch over me maybe they were related in some way.
Maybe... I took out the journal the Mizpah lady gave to me and started to write down my thoughts. It was the first time I ever had written anything in a journal. The first but not the last.

Just then, someone knocked on my door.

"Who is it?" I asked

"It's me" He said and even though it was rather cryptic, I recognized Brian's voice. It seemed hesitant and nervous. I opened the door to meet his gaze.

"Hey" I said as we just stood there devoid of any emotions.

"Hey, can I come in?" He asked. I moved out of the way to let him into my room

He came in and sat down in a chair close to the window. I felt odd, I wasn't sure who should speak first. Luckily only after a few moments of silence Brian started some friendly banter.

"So, this is a pretty good view of the city. You can really see for miles from here." He then turned his attention to my bed where my journal was sitting. He picked it up but didn't open it.

"Cool, since when did you start writing in a journal? This is a nice one" I walked over to him and gently took it out of his hands.

"Thanks" I said as I placed it on my dresser. I sat across from him as I continued, "It was given to me by a fan. I haven't written in it yet but I plan on it." Fan? more like stalking psychopath I thought to myself. "So..you just missed Kevin and Howie. They just left."

He looked up at me. "I know, they were coming out of the elevator as we were getting in. They said that J and I shouldn't bother you because you had a lot to think about but I thought I would come up anyway." When he didn't get a reaction from me he hesitantly said "If that's okay with you." I decided to move down to the floor and fiddle with my video games.

"Whatever dude, so does that mean that J is here too?" Brian sunk down next to me on the floor.

"Yeah he came too but I told him to wait downstairs."

I laughed. "Since when does AJ do anything he is told to do?"

Brian just looked at me with a small smile on his lips.

"So..um Kevin told me what you guys did in the studio. Toasting me and all. He said it was your idea. Thanks"

"It was no problem. You sounded happy Nick. I liked the song too." He said as he gently tousled my hair.

"Brian, why are you here?" I didn't want to ruin the moment we were having but I was curious.

"To be honest with you, I don't really know." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. I didn't know what I was looking for. We both kind of just stared ahead.

"What happened Bri? We used to be so close than one day suddenly it all went away."

He looked over at me and shrugged, "I don't know Nick, sometimes things change, people change. It's just a natural progression."

"It didn't feel natural though..I mean did it? To you?" His silence was my answer.

I suddenly felt restless and stood up to head for the window and admire the view Brian had talked about.

"What do you want me to do Brian? Do YOU want me to quit?" I asked him never letting my gaze leave the window.

I heard him make his way next to me. "That's not my decision to make Nick. It's yours. But..no, I don't want you to quit." I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders when he said that.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do yet. Trish seems to think Jive wouldn't let me quit anyway. Who knows? I'm just confused I guess."

Brian placed his hand on my shoulder."Hey, I'm sorry for coming on too strong at the meeting. I didn't want to hurt you"

"Well you did hurt me." I said rather curtly not really meaning to.

"I know and I'm sorry," I looked over at him and he looked sincere.

"That's okay. No harm done," I found myself saying. We just stood there two silent forms staring out the window. Both in deep thought but neither one of us saying anything.

"Do you think we will ever be back to normal? You and me?" I asked sounding eerily like a thirteen year old boy I used to know. I could tell by the look on his face that he was searching for something witty to say.

"Depends, you were NEVER normal in the first place." Well, it wasn't exactly witty but I'll take it.

I started to feel like maybe everything was going to be okay with us. All of us. While I continued to reassure myself of this Brian made his way back over towards the bed. Yup maybe things will all work out I'm finally feeling relieved and...

I froze in my tracks and felt a chill run down my spine as Brian suddenly started to hum a song. The song. I quickly turned around to face him.

"Why are you humming that?" I asked him. He suddenly had this strange expression on his face.

"What? I love this song, it's always been one of my favorites. Someone to Watch Over Me is a classic." I just looked at him in horror. I had this urge to get him out of my room as soon as possible.

"Well, Bri, uh thanks for coming, but um I've got things to do" He looked at me with a suspicious look on his face.

"Are you kicking me out? I just got here!" I was afraid to make him mad at me but him singing that song totally creeped me out.

"Um no but I really do have some stuff to do with Trish so, if you don't mind.." I started to walk over to the front door to let him out. I opened the door for him and was unprepared for what came out of his mouth.

"Mizpah Nick"

I stood there my back to Brian with the door open unable to breathe or scream......

I finally calmed myself down enough to turn around and make sure I heard Brian right. That had to have been a product of my overactive imagination. He couldn't have possibly just said Mizpah. No as a matter of fact there's no friggin way that that came out of his mouth..

"What did you just say to me?" I asked in an accusing tone. He walked around me and shut the door before answering my question.

"I said Mizpah. Does that mean something to you by any chance?" He saw how unnerved I was by that stupid word so he continued, "It does doesn't it? Mizpah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I knew I was right!"

"Right? What are you talking about? Are you after me or something? what's the deal man?" He seemed surprised that I said that.

"Why would you think I'm after you? Nick come over here and calm yourself down." He patted the bed where he had placed himself. I walked over and cautiously sat down next to him.

"You have been getting phone calls from some guy saying Mizpah to you haven't you?"

I was baffled. "No, I haven't been."

He seemed surprised by my denial. "What do you mean? You obviously know what I'm talking about. Are you trying to tell me that NO ONE has called you up and said Mizpah to you?" He was talking down to me and I was getting mad.

"No, Brian no one has called me and said Mizpah to me!" I stopped right there not really sure if I wanted to come clean to Brian or not. I decided to change gears and focus on one of the things that had me nervous, "Why did you hum that song before? Did YOU get a phone call from someone playing it? Is there something you want to tell me Brian?" Yeah like maybe you are an insane stalker person who is trying to kill me?

"What? What song? Wait do you mean Someone to Watch Over Me?" He laughed "Because you had the lyrics written on the front of your journal idiot!" Oh, okay I feel dumb..at least I was able to relax a bit now that I knew Brian wasn't really trying to kill me.

"Right..I knew that!" I said as he continued to laugh.

"Why did me singing that song have you spooked? And are you sure you haven't ever heard that word before?"

"Well, I didn't say that. I've heard that word before but not ever on the phone." This peeked Brian's attention. He was waiting for me to continue but I never did. A knock on the door broke us out of our conversation.

The knocking sounded urgent. "Hold your horses I'm coming, Jeez, this place has suddenly turned into Grand Central Station!" I opened the door and Trish came in all flustered.

"Jesus Nick we have this thing scheduled and I apologize because it's.." She stopped when she saw Brian sitting there. "Oh hi Brian, Um I didn't mean to interrupt anything." She looked over at me to try to read the tone of Brian's visit. I smiled at her and she smiled back. "I'm sorry. I'll come back if you want but this is really important." Brian understood that as a cue to leave.

"that's okay honey, I have to get home anyway. I'm expecting a call from Leigh. Brian walked over to me and gave me a hug. It felt real. "We'll pick this conversation up later" he said then he kissed Trish on the cheek and walked out the door. After he left Trish came over to me and embraced me.

"Wow, I'm so sorry sweat pea, If I had known that Brian was in here I would have waited before barging in."

I walked over to get some water, "That's okay, we were pretty much done anyway," I actually wanted to thank her for getting me out of spilling the beans about Mizpah. It's kind of silly of me but I actually enjoyed keeping that thing my own nasty secret.

"Well..how did it go? is everything okay between you guys?" She asked as she sat down.

"Um..I think everything will kind of work itself out,"

"So does this mean that you're not quitting the band then?"

"Nothing's definite Trish, I still have no idea if I am quitting or not. Kevin and Howie were here earlier and they said that I should take the night to think about it and give them an answer in the morning."

"Oh dear"

I looked over at her. "Oh dear what? is something wrong?"

She stood up and started to do her 'I messed up' pace around the room.

I took a deep breath before daring to ask her, "So what seems to be the trouble?"

She stopped pacing and looked at me. "Nick, please don't be mad but I goofed up. It's totally my fault and I'll take FULL responsibility especially if it gets you in more hot water with the guys"

Oh crap, here we go!

"I just got a call from some radio station in Marathon confirming you hosting their promotional concert the day after tomorrow" She shut her eyes and winced expecting me to fly off the handle.

Which I did. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm so sorry Nick, I wrote it into the book a while ago but it just kind of got accidentally erased."

I had my hands covering my eyes trying to shield myself from the migraine I felt coming on. "Trish, we have to cancel, I was just gone for a whole week and the guys almost tore me a new asshole!"

"I know, I'm sorry but we've been booked for such a long time that if we pull out today, you will look really unprofessional."

"How long will I be gone? Just for the day I hope?" When she didn't answer I knew it was gonna be bad. "Trish? just for the day right?" I gazed right into her eyes. She was wincing again.

"No, actually it's for three days! You are the main host so you need to be there for all three days!"

"Why?"

"Tomorrow you have a run through, and the actual concert happens over two nights. During the day you will be going on the radio as a guest DJ to promote the event. I'm so sorry Nick, please don't fire me!"

"I have just made everything semi-alright with the guys, now they are going to get all upset about me going away at the last minute again!"

"I'm sorry"

"Please stop saying that! I know you're sorry. You didn't do it on purpose. And I won't fire you although I am tempted" I gave her one of my signature smiles to let her know there was no hard feelings.

"What time do I have to leave tomorrow?" I was hoping it was a bit later so I could still see the guys first.

"Around noon, plenty of time to have your meeting and have them get mad at you all over again" She laughed and I pouted at her.

"On a positive note, you will get to go home and stay in your own bed, now when was the last time that you got to do that?"

I couldn't remember, isn't that odd? It had been such a long time since I had slept in my own bed that I couldn't even remember.

"It'll be nice to be home." It really would. Maybe it would give me some time to get my head together and feel safe.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked me as she was getting up to leave.

"I'm thinking about home."

"Let me know how your meeting with the guys goes tomorrow. I hope you really consider not leaving them. Even if they get mad at you." She gave me a kiss and left.

I do have a lot to think about don't I? I said as I made my way back to my dresser and started to pack for home...

I spent another restless night tossing and turning wondering how the guys were going to take the news of my departure. It seems like it has been such a long time since I've actually had a good night's sleep, it would be nice to get into my own bed. I sighed and pulled myself out of the blankets peering at the clock. Seeing it was only eight am, I fell back under the covers and just stared at the ceiling.

The thoughts that were running through my mind almost made my head spin. There were so many things to think about these days. I really did need those unexpected visits from the guys yesterday. They helped to put things in perspective but I still felt lost. I was so glad that Brian actually came to see me. I truly did think our relationship was forever gone. Even though we really didn't say much, just his company was enough for me to not give up hope. Everything will fall into place I said before forcing myself to get up and start the day.

---

By the time Trish knocked on my door I had already showered, dressed and packed for the few days that I would be gone. I didn't bother to pack up everything because I would just be coming back here to the hotel when I was done so I managed to stuff everything I needed into my duffel bag. I briefly toyed with the idea of taking all of the Mizpah stuff but decided instead to take a mental vacation from that as well.

"Wow sweetie, I have to say I'm impressed!" Trish said as she saw me ready for once.

"See I can be on time when I need to be!" She laughed as she checked her copy of my itinerary of the day.

"So, you do have everything you need right? I would hate for you to forget something" she said scanning the room.

"I'm only gonna be gone for two days right? So I'm only bringing this bag."

She looked surprised. "Are you sure that's all you want to bring? I mean I know how you are, so NOW's the time to make sure you aren't forgetting anything."

"Hey, didn't you tell me that you weren't my mommy? Well, you are sure acting like one." She came and lovingly kissed me on the cheek and mockingly pinched them.

"Wook at this wittle face, I could just squeeze you"

"All right, knock it off! It's still not to late to fire your ass!"

She loosened her grip on my cheeks and pulled away. "You know what Mr. Carter, you missed an important date today!"

I laughed at the silly pout she had on her lips. Even though Trish was in her mid forties, she could still act like a kid when she wanted to. That's why we got along so well. "What am I missing Trish? someone's birthday?"

She smacked me on the back of the head. "No silly, today is our anniversary!"

I looked over at her a bit confused. She saw the look on my face and just laughed. "Excuse me?"

"I have been with you guys for four years today! So where's my present?"

I instantly felt like crap, but the smile on her face assured me that she realized I wouldn't remember something like that. If she didn't remind me when my birthday was, I would most likely miss it. I gave her a big bear hug. "Thanks for being the best assistant ever!" I said and we stayed that way for a few minutes.

She went to walk out of the room before gently grabbing my hand, "Nick I..."

"You what?" I asked her as she suddenly looked very solemn.

She then transformed in front of my eyes and plastered a big smile on her face. "It's nothing, I'll see you in the car. You know what you're gonna say to the guys yet?" I nodded and then she left.

I looked around the room before leaving and my eyes fixed on my Mizpah drawer. I was beginning to think that maybe I would take the stuff with me. I walked over and opened the drawer. I decided to only grab the journal. I figured I could jot down some notes in the journal or reflections or whatever the hell you are supposed to write in these stupid things. I took one last look at the room before closing the door and heading to my meeting.

---

This time the meeting was held at AJ's house and the overall tone was a lot happier. we discussed my decision first. Kevin said a few things and then gave the floor to me. I stood up slowly and looked up to see all eyes on me.

"Okay, well I know the first time I did this, I flew off the handle a bit, but now, today, is a new day and um, well I still don't really know what to do." They laughed.

"I want to stay in this band. I really do"

Kevin cut me off, "So, then what's the big problem? You want to stay, we want you to stay"

I looked over at him. Good old Kevin trying to make things more simple than they really are. "Well, it's not that easy exactly, see I have to leave again."

Sighs where heard throughout the room.

"We had this thing scheduled for a while but Trish forgot about it. It's in Marathon and I'm hosting and Trish said it's too late to back out."

AJ had his head in his hands but everyone else was looking directly at me.

"I'm really sorry guys and if you don't want me to go, then maybe I could just blow it off."

Howie cut in "you can't just blow off a hosting gig Nick, that would make all of us look bad! when do you have to leave?"

Boy I was so hoping that that wouldn't come up "Um well here's the thing, it's today. I have a flight out in about an hour."

Nobody said a word so it was hard for me to tell what the mood was. I went to my back up plan. I took out my resignation and handed it to Brian. He took it from me and rolled his eyes when he realized what it was. "Nick why are you giving this to me?" he said as he tried to hand it back.

I stopped him "So this is probably the cowards way out but, I'm leaving it up to you. That is my resignation. it's signed and ready to be used if need be. If you guys want me out, then I'm out. I love you guys. I know I have been impossible lately but you need to do what is right for the group. I'm done being selfish."

They all looked a little shocked but not mad. "Nick, do you actually think we would throw you out of the group?" AJ asked with his head still in his hands.

"J that's what I felt was happening yesterday so, yeah I guess I would think that."
He grabbed the letter from Brian "Hey look I have something to wipe my ass with!" They all cracked up as he tore my letter in pieces and said "YEY!" as he through it up in the air like confetti. They continued to laugh at the baffled expression I must have worn on my face. AJ came over, put his arm around me and said "Sometimes you are too cute junior" He then walked out of the room mocking me "I'll leave it in your hands!"

Kevin came over "Nick, go host your show and when you get back we'll start over again. How does that sound?" He hugged me and walked out the door. That left Brian and Howie in the room.

"Did you know I was gonna do that or something?" D nodded and Brian smiled.

"That's what happens when you know someone so well. Have a safe trip" Howie said as he hugged me and left.
Brian sat there with a smile on his face. "You know we will work things out you and I. Like Kevin said, we're starting fresh."

"Oh no, does that mean that I can't use my we've been together for ten years speech anymore?" I said smiling at my own joke.
"Yeah bonehead, you can still use that one." He got up and headed for the door. "Nick, be safe and we'll see you in a few days!" he said walking out and leaving me feeling alone but refreshed.

I wish I would have known, I would've said so much more.....

11:45am PST

I put the phone down and decided it was time to talk to AJ once and for all. I had been getting these mysterious and disturbing calls and at first I thought they were meant for Nick but when I asked him about it, he had mentioned that maybe it was AJ who was really in danger. During our last band meeting I noticed that AJ was fidgeting nervously in his seat so I thought maybe that Nick was right. I was going to confront him on the spot right after we ended our meeting but with Nick's dramatic announcement, I decided to wait until later to talk to J. That was until I received the phone call I had just gotten. It was a series of clicks then that strange guy again saying he always gets what he wants and he wants my little brother. The thing that had me terrified was he said he's mine tonight. I immediately called J and told him to come over to my house.

---

12:20pm PST

"Why the hell does Kevin want to see me?" I asked while pacing the floor of my kitchen. "He only singles us out when he is ready to lecture us!"

"I have no idea J, did you do anything wrong?" I looked over at Brian and rolled my eyes.

"Bri, I am 24 years old, soon to be 25. I don't have to answer to Kevin anymore. I never listened to him when I was younger either!"

"Jeez, relax man I was just asking. Maybe it's about the album?"

"Don't you think he'd want to ask us all about that?" Brian shrugged and I decided to sit down. "Maybe it's about the calls"
I looked at Brian when he said that wondering if he had told Kevin about my stalker. "Does he know?" he shrugged at me.

"Well, whatever happened with Nick, I know you thought that the guy maybe meant him, did he say anything?"

"No, he said he hasn't been getting calls but he had heard the word before."

"Mizpah?"

"Yup"

"How the hell would he even know that if he wasn't getting calls?"

"I have no idea J, we were just getting to that when Trish came in and I left. End of story"

"Well, I don't like not knowing what to expect when it comes to Kevin."

"Amen to that brother!" I laughed as Brian started to deal the cards.

---

1:30 PM PST

"Hello?" Howie put his ear closer to the phone to make out the sound of clicking.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

"I always get what I want."

"Pardon?"Howie tensed at the sound of the man's voice. He knew what was coming next and the thought of it sent chills down his spine.

"I think you heard me, but just in case I'll repeat myself. I always get what I want. You know what I want Howie?"

"No asshole why don't you tell me?"

"Oh tsk tsk my friend.."

"I'm not your damn friend"

"Why Howie, I have to say I didn't know you had it in you!"

"I'm hanging up now asshole!"

"WAIT!!!"

"What?"

"You don't know what I'm going to say."

"Oh wait, aren't you gonna say that you want my little brother? That's getting pretty old. Why don't you bypass AJ and come right for me? You son of a bitch?" Howie shuddered when he heard laughing coming from the other end of the line.

"Oh Howie, poor poor Howie, not feeling like the center of attention? Well, my friend you're wrong, very very wrong. I WAS gonna say what you just repeated and by the way I am honored that you have it memorized, but I am going to add this, I WILL have him tonight. MIZPAH"

"Hey what do you mean? This joke has gone on long enough! hello? Hello?" Howie slammed down the phone after realizing that the maniac had hung up on him. He regrouped his thoughts, took a deep breathe before running out the door to get to AJ's house.

---

1:45 PM PST

I threw down my final two cards and accepted defeat yet again in the wake of AJ.

"Man why do I always say yes to you when you want to play poker. I'm lousy at it" AJ laughed at me.

"Man because you have the worst poker face ever! You actually make this weird scrunchy face when you are lying that's hysterical to look at!"

"Aw come on I do not!" AJ imitated me as he said "Ah yeah you do Rok!" I was just about to argue when my cell phone rang.

"Yello?"

"Hi Brian" I tried to make out the voice. It sounded familiar.

"Yes, speaking" Then the clicking started.

"I hope you're ready Brian." I started to feel my heart beat faster in my chest.

"Ready for what?" I knew I didn't really want an answer to the question but I had to ask it anyway.

"Ready for what's gonna happen tonight. It all happens tonight!"

"What are you talking about?" I shouted and the urgency in my voice made AJ find his way next to me.

"I always get what I want Brian and I want your little brother and I am going to have him tonight! Be prepared. MIZPAH" With that he hung up on me. I looked over at AJ with concern etching my brow.

"What? I couldn't make out what was said. Was it bad?" I nodded. "We need to call security NOW!"

---

2:25 PM PST

I was rushing over to J's house but I found myself caught in a terrible traffic jam. I made sure I put in a call to security to get over there right away. This fruit loop sounded serious. Unfortunately, we all received so many of these threats that we always just let them run off our backs. Not this time. This was different. I was definetly worried about J's security as well as all of us. He knew how to contact me and how to contact Brian. J had been getting calls too now. how did he get access to us? That question kept plaguing my mind on the trip over to AJ's. I was glad that Sarah listened to us and left town, but I hoped that J wasn't alone. God please just get me there soon!

---

3:15 PM PST

I looked at my watch for the fourth time in ten minutes before deciding that maybe AJ was going to pull a no show. He was supposed to be here at 2:30 and even though he tended to run late in his earlier, wild days, he was pretty good with being on time now. I decided to give him a call.

"Hello?" The hesitation in J's voice frightened me a little.

"AJ, it's Kevin, is everything all right?" At the sound of my voice I could actually here him relax.

"Oh, um yeah everything's great. Why do you ask?"

"Because it's 3:15"

"yeah and?" I heard the light bulb go off in his brain. "Oh shit, sorry Kev. Brian and I were playing poker and I lost total track of the time," even though I was pissed, the fact that he was all right calmed me down a bit.

"Well, are you coming or not?"

"Uh I didn't think I had a choice. Can't you just tell me over the phone?"

"I'd rather not."

"Okay I guess I..oh shit, can you hold on a second? My other line is ringing"

"Sure" I had said that knowing it was a rhetorical question because AJ switched lines before I could even answer. I started to whistle as I waited for J to return to the phone. I have always secretly despised call waiting and have always refused to use it. I just think it's rude to make a choice of who you'd rather speak to. Clearly it was not me. He had kept me waiting for more than 20 minutes and I was about to hang up when he returned to the line.

"Kevin, you still there?"

"Yup"

"Man I'm sorry but that was Howie." I didn't like the shakiness coming from his voice. he sounded very nervous. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah but he is actually on his way here. Do you just want to come here? it might make things easier."

"But I kind of wanted to just talk to you. One on one." I really couldn't afford to let him weasel out of this. I would forever blame myself if something were to happen.

"Kevin, is this about threats by any chance?" Oh my God this is the real thing. "Kev..hello? are you there?"

"Yes, It's about threats." I heard him say something to Brian. They were talking for a few minutes.

"Then you should definitely come over here."

"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Howie said the traffics bad. I know you guys live close to me but he is still stuck." Shit traffic was the last thing I needed now!

"Okay fine. I'll see ya when I see ya then. Be safe and keep your doors locked!"

"Is security there?"

"Not yet but Howie called them. They should be here soon."

"Good I'll see you soon then." We hung up and I grabbed my keys and headed for AJ's house.

---

3:30 PM PST

I honked. I actually honked. I never honk at anyone. Actually, I barely even drive myself anywhere anymore. I was getting impatient. I had been stuck in this stupid traffic jam for a little over an hour. We hadn't even moved a mile. The worst part is that I am only about 30 minutes away from AJ's house when there is no traffic. Okay, this is ridiculous!!! I found myself saying under my breath as I started to honk my horn at the poor guy in front of me. I was totally aware that he couldn't go anywhere but I felt that somehow, that would make me feel better. The only thing it did was completely make me panic even more. I was relieved when I called J and found out that Brian was there with him. My stomach started to do flip flops though when he said that Brian had just gotten a call that was very similar to mine. I had called security to let them know that everyone should get to J's house and then I called AJ to let him know I was coming. I also thought it would be a good idea to get the police involved but he said we should wait until we are all there before we make that decision. Suddenly my thoughts went to Nick. He was probably safe but I didn't; like the fact that he was all alone. I called security one more time to make sure that his bodyguard was with him. when Larry, the head of our security assured me that Joe was with Nicky I mentally crossed him off of my "worry" list. I was excited to see that we started to move again. Maybe I would get to my destination before I died of old age! Hallelujah!

---

3:48 PM PST

"So Kevin's getting calls too? This is getting pretty freaky Bone!" I said as I started to nervously tap my fingers along his kitchen table. A habit I had picked up from one of my band brothers during our tenure together. I felt bad for AJ, he seemed so nervous and unsettled. I can't blame him. I would feel the same way.

"Yeah, I just don't get it Brian, why?"

I honestly had no answer for him so I just shrugged.

"I mean not only does the son of a bitch have it in for me, but he gets a hard on by taunting all of you! It just doesn't seem right to me."

"Well, J obviously this lunatic isn't playing with a full deck! Otherwise he wouldn't be bothering ANY of us." AJ laughed when I said that.

"Boy, thanks, you sure know how to make a boy feel better!"

"I try!" I walked over to him and gave him a hug. "Don't worry AJ, we won't let anything happen to you."

"No offense Rok but what are you going to do to stop him? Bite his ankles?"

"Hey!"

"I mean seriously Brian if he wants me that bad he's gonna get me. That has me shitting in my pants!!!"

"That's exactly what this loser wants you to think Bone"

"Well mission accomplished I guess" We sat there in silence for a few more minutes before the door bell rang and broke the nervous tension. I heard AJ greet Howie and I was glad that the task of calming J down was soon to become a team effort.

"Hi Brian" D said as he came and gave me a quick hug. "Anything else happen since the last time we talked?"

"Did J tell you that Kevin also got a call today?" By the surprised look on Howie's face I figured the answer was no.

"Is security here yet?" He asked as he looked at the window towards the back yard.

"No not yet. Shouldn't they be here by now? I mean you called them a while ago right?" AJ asked Howie the panic evident in his voice. Howie nodded "Yes, but you know there was a heavy duty traffic jam out there so chances are they are stuck in that."

"Well, I don't like that one bit" AJ said as he started to pace around the room.

---

4:21 PM PST

AJ, Brian and I sat there in J's kitchen just staring at each other. Truth is we were all nervous and could tell that whenever we opened our mouths to speak we were only making AJ feel worse. Kevin arrived around 4:30 and fortunately he calmed us down saying he had seen security pulling up the drive as he was coming into the house. We ushered security in and told them about everything that had transpired today. they thought it would be a good idea to inform the police so a few detectives made their way out to the house and asked us all a bunch of questions. By the time they left it was almost 5:30.

---

8:40 PM EST

Oh man thank God I am home. The traffic from the airport was horrendous and I thought I would never make it. I threw my bag on the floor and plopped on my couch. The only thing missing were the dogs. They were staying with my parents. I would go get them later. Now it's just time to veg. I found the remote under the couch cushion just where I had left it the last time I was home and started to randomly flip through the channels. This is the life I thought when I found a game to watch.

---

5:40 PM PST

Kevin looked so mentally exhausted after hearing about all the instances we had with this crazy guy. I felt bad for keeping it from him. I could tell he was hurt that we had.

"Kevin, don't feel bad. We didn't tell Nick about it either. We figured there was no reason to get you all worked up over what could potentially be nothing." I said to him as I gently put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

"Well it is a little more than nothing now isn't it Brian?" He definitely had that right. Howie stood up and motioned for us to move into the living room.

"So, what do we do now? Just wait?"

"I hate waiting! God I need a drink!" we all jumped all over that statement from AJ

"Alex, don't even think about it! It's easier to kidnap a drunk than someone who is completely sober!" Kevin said and than he friendly slapped J on the back of the head.

"Don't worry, security is here, the police are on it and there's safety in numbers. Nothing bad is going to happen tonight!"

---

9:30 PM EST

I was tired of watching the Marlins lose so I turned off the TV and headed to my bedroom. When I saw my huge comfortable bed I took a running leap and landed on it with a thud. Nothing beats sleeping in your own bed in your own house! God it was so great to be home. I laid there for a few minutes before deciding to take a nice hot shower. I picked up my cell phone to check and see if I had any messages. None were there. So I threw it back onto the bed and ventured into the shower.

---

6:45 PM PST

We were all sitting in the living room watching a stupid horror flick to get our minds off of things. They had all decided to spend the night over. Howie used the affectionate term "Sanity break" Ah those were the good old days.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to watch a horror movie?" D whispered to me. "It's not gonna freak you out is it?" I hadn't even thought about it.

"No, horror is okay as long as it's a stupid horror movie. No damn Silence of the Lambs or anything"

"Well is Friday the Thirteenth stupid enough for you?" Kevin asked as he put it into the DVD player. I nodded. Then my cell phone rang.

"Hello?.." Silence then clicking

"Hello? is that you you prick?" Nothing was said just laughter.

"Answer me dammit!" By now the movie was turned off and my band mates were surrounding me. Kevin wanted me to hand him the phone but I wouldn't. I wanted to hear what this dickhead had to say.

"Why hello AJ, Sounds like you are having quite the party over there!" His voice sounded so empty and evil. It scared the hell out of me.

"Yeah, everyone is here, security, police everybody! So I guess your going to have to cancel your plans."

"Oh quite the opposite my friend. Things couldn't have gone any better if I had tried. You have done everything that I had hoped you would, making my life so much easier." My heart had made it's way to my throat and in that instance I knew we were in for a bumpy ride. Things were far from over.

"What do you mean by that?" I was barely able to say over the lump forming in my throat.

"I was counting on you to be as vain and self centered as I hoped you were."

"What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Can't you see how wrong you have been. How wrong you have ALL been? As a matter of fact the only one of you that has figured it out was too stupid to tell anyone. I was also counting on that." He was confusing me and in the process I was starting to lose it!

"Why are you doing this to me?" I said, embarrassed when my voice started to break and the tears started to form in the corners of my eyes.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He repeated in a condescending tone. "Me, me , me why do you think it's about you?" Oh my God!

"What do you mean? Who are you after? What do you want?" In a panic my thoughts went to Sarah.

"Here, maybe this will help, I always get what I want and I want YOUR little brother and I WILL have him tonight! MIZPAH"

I stood there paralyzed in fear. I didn't know what to do. The alarmed faces of my brothers were evident as they were waiting for me to say something to them. I couldn't will myself to speak. I dropped the phone and as it broke, I said "We were wrong!" They looked baffled. "Oh my God" I finally snapped out of my shock and started to move. "We were wrong guys we were wrong, we need security to get to Nick NOW!!!"

At the mention of his name all of the guys eyes got as big as saucers.

"Why J? What did he say?" Kevin asked near screaming

"He said he wants MY younger brother! He was after Nick this whole time! We have to get help for him he has NO idea!" We all started to move frantically around the house finding numbers that we could call. Brian flipped up his phone and dialed Nick's cell phone number.

---

10:00 PM EST

"Hello?" when Brian heard the voice, his heart went cold.

"How are you answering this phone?" The voice on the other end of the line began to laugh. Then clicking was heard.

"I just called your friend AJ with this phone." I was shaking so badly that I could barely hold the phone without dropping it.

"You stole Nick's phone?" When the rest of the guys realized who I was talking to they just stood with their mouths opened listening to my conversation.

"No not exactly, see I'm sitting here on his bed, waiting for him to get out of the shower. This has been far too easy! You guys are not the brightest guys in the universe." I was crying.

"God, please don't hurt him, just walk out the door and leave! He would never know and we won't tell anybody please, I'm begging you leave him alone. Please."

There wasn't a sound on the other end of the line. He finally came back on.

"You know, I would do that for you but this has been a long time coming. Years of planning. So I'm gonna have to say no to that sorry." He hung up. I frantically dialed the number again only to hear endless ringing...

---

10:10 PM EST

I was having the time of my life letting the hot water run down my body but unfortunately my phone had other ideas. I ignored it at first but it kept ringing at a constant pace. Whoever it was made it seem urgent so I hoped out of the shower, got dressed in my pajamas and ventured back into my bedroom. I walked over to my bed where I was sure I had left the phone but it wasn't there. I got on my knees and checked under the bed, but again no phone. The ringing sounded like it was coming from the hall so I went out to look. Still no phone. Weird I thought but soon occupied myself with towel drying my hair. I looked up from the towel to notice a letter sitting on my bed. I walked over to it and opened it up.

Dear Nick,

I have had a great time taunting you and your friends but I'm afraid it's time to move to the next level. Since you are reading this, know that your days are now numbered. Starting today you have 364 more days to live. It may not seem like a lot to you but that is more than many people have. You at least have the luxury of knowing how long you have to live. That is a gift, like the gift that Jacob gave to his brother Laban. He gave his brother a pile of stones as a peace offering for their constant petty quarrels.

Jacob took the stones and made a memorial pillar. Just like the pile of stones that Laban was talking about, Just like the pile of stones that will surround you. We must also make an agreement. That which is hard makes us stronger. It won't be long now which is too bad because I've enjoyed watching you squirm and wonder what is next well, life is going to get more interesting for you my young friend. I hope you can handle it. I always get what I want and I want you!

Mizpah, Nick

p.s. look behind you! SURPRISE!!!!!!

I was going in slow motion as I turned around to see him standing behind me. I tried to run but he was so much bigger than me that he totally empowered me. I was being dragged off of my feet the whole time hearing my phone ringing in the background...

So that brings me to my current predicament. I'm not exactly sure how or why they did it. There are SO many questions that are left unanswered. When I awoke from what I can only assume to be a knock out drug, I was here. It's nothing like I'd pictured it to be you know. When I think of people who have been kidnapped, I think of beatings, rape, torture. None of those things have happened to me. Not yet anyway. I'm actually being held in this huge room complete with a king size bed, tread mill and even a small dorm sized fridge! Pretty crazy I know. All of this is pretty crazy. They went all out to make me feel as comfortable as possible. How nice of them!!!! My first few nights here, I cried like a baby. Whenever they would come down, I would just say "Why?" over and over again. I finally stopped crying when I realized that it wasn't going to change anything. Now I plan on asking them tons of questions. Anything I can to get them to give me info to help me plan an escape. It looks doubtful. But I'm not giving up.

They take turns coming down and baby-sitting me. They even brought me all of my video games from home. They won't let me watch TV just yet. I quote, "They don't think it would be a good idea for me to see what's going on in the outside world."

It's funny actually, that I brought this journal home with me. If I hadn't I would've gone insane by now. It has actually helped me keep my wits about me by retelling what has happened. I have no idea how long I have been here. It feels like weeks but I'm sure it's only been days. I have to remind myself to ask them for a clock.

This room seems to be built specifically for imprisonment. There are no windows at all. Well, actually I take that back, there is one window about 20 feet up. This room is huge. it's built like an A-frame house but only it's one room. I have spent the last few nights just trying to figure out where THEY are in relation to me. Maybe this room is an add on of a bigger house, or maybe I'm in the middle of nowhere. It beats me.

I wonder if anyone realizes I'm even gone? I guess they will soon enough. The one thing that did surprise me about all of this, besides me being kidnapped by two psycho's, is how religious and well thought out there plan must have been. I was so stupid not to see the signs. After I got over asking why? I decided I needed to know what the hell a Mizpah was anyway. He just looked at me and smiled. He asked me if I ever read the Bible. I told him barely and he said he would have to work on that with me. "I must save your souls before you die" Gee what a happy thought! He told me that Mizpah was in the book of Genesis in the Bible.

Genesis. Now I see why he said it's his favorite. I was so stupid not to see the signs...

I look up from my journal writing to see that they have slipped a piece of paper under the door. Curiously I go and see what it is. I pick it up read it and burst out laughing so hard I can't even control myself. That laughter turns into uncontrollable sobs as I sink down to the floor and hold my knees and rock. The paper falls next to me with the headlines face up.

BACKSTREET BOY GOES MISSING

Nick Carter 22, youngest member of the
pop group Backstreet Boys, was abducted
from his home last Wednesday evening.
His bodyguard was found badly beaten and
signs of a struggle where evident. The fellow
members of the blonde haired blue eyed singer's
group are offering a huge reward to anyone who can
help with the where abouts of the singer. The police currently
have no leads......


THE END?

Just a brief explanation about what exactly Mizpah means. My family and I close all of the letters we write to one another with the word Mizpah. It is a term of affection taken from the bible.

Mizpah~ May God watch over us and keep us safe while we are apart one from the other.

It is also used in context between two brothers who while having difficulties getting along decide to briefly go their seperate ways. What better word describes all of the emotions coming from the Backstreet camp these days.

I'm sure you still have many unanswered questions like who would do this to our poor Nicky and will he get out alive? Well, when I started this story I was going to leave that up to your imaginations. Fortunately, the charachters who have taken on a life of their own, have insisted I do a sequel. :)

Don't worry, I promise it will be posted soon. I hate when writters keep us readers hanging too long. LOL

While you're waiting, hop on over and read my other story The Long Road Home

I wanted to thank Julie, Izzy,Chaos and Amanda for hosting my stories and all of the people who took time to e-mail me with feedback. It was greatly appreciated!

A special thanks to Kat for being a constant source of positive energy while I was writting this dark story. This was my first attempt at fan fiction and I would love it if you would drop me a line and let me know what you thought.

Keep an eye out for the sequel and until we meet again
Mizpah,
Mare