Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid


I dreaded for today. Months before today came, my heart felt unsettled. Not a day went by that I wasn't subconsciously being reminded that I was another day nearer to today. The very moment that pearly pink envelope landed in my hand, I knew it was bad news for me.


I didn't want to be here.


"Well, that was a nice wedding, don't you think?"


I didn't know who Kevin had meant that to, so I looked around the table, waiting for someone to speak up.


Four familiar faces from distant memories that had turned into strangers today.


"Beautiful. Marcus must be planning to stay married to her forever to spend this much."


I saw Brian smiling, I think he understood what AJ was trying to say perfectly well. "That was the plan."


"Well, considering our family tree, I wish him all the best." Howie spoke up. It got them laughing. Uncomfortable laughter though. I joined in.


"She seems perfect for my brother, I think they'll do much better than our family." Brian said after the laughter subsided. I took a quick sip of the white wine, knowing my limits. Well, Brian was drinking Evian, I wasn't the weirdest in the crowd after all.


"They always started out perfect." Howie said. I bit my inner bottom lip. That, or I start lashing out at our smart ass cousin whom I had lost contact with for the past ten years.


"I really hope they're different." Brian said.


AJ snickered at that. "You're always the dreamer Brian."


"Says who?" Brian was getting defensive, and if we're not careful, this 'beautiful' occasion could turn ugly. Funny how everywhere around us, people were laughing and some waltzing on the dance floor to some wedding music I wasn't too familiar with. I didn't think I knew half of those people I should call relatives.


"Remember when we used to play weddings?" Kevin chuckled. I felt myself smiling. Don't I remember?


"Your sister could be very bossy when it comes to that." I said, taking another sip of the wine, longer this time, when I realized I had said that out loud.


Kevin laughed. "She still is…and I remember her forcing Brian to be the groom cause apparently, Brian's the nice one."


"She made you marry all her girlfriends." Howie laughed.


"Nick and I always ended up being the flower boys!" AJ groaned. I felt myself blushing at that.


"I remember telling my mom I want a sister so you guys could get her to be the flower girl." I said. AJ nodded his head vigorously.


"Me too!"


"Oh, and don't forget cowboys." Brian said, eyes lighting up at the memory.


I remember cowboys.


Whenever I felt trapped or lonely in my sleep, I would remember cowboys. Those were good days.


There were Marcus, Jaime, Kyle, Josh, Alicia and Jessica, the oldest cousins. They hang around in a bunch and always seemed to be doing the cool stuff. They went fishing or treasure hunting out in the woods right at the backyard of our grandparents' house.


Then there were Kevin, Howie, Brian, AJ and I, the younger cousins who hang out together wishing that we could join them in their adventures.


The youngest cousins would be my brother Aaron, Max, Jordan, Johnny, Maia and Majandra. They were either in diapers or still clinging on to mother or daddy dearest.


On Kyle's 10th birthday, we met again in our grandparents' house and AJ came with a really cool looking cowboy hat. We crowded around him, I remember feeling so jealous. I wanted that hat for as long as I could remember. But mom and dad never bought me one.


We decided to play cowboys. The game was simple really. The cowboy gets to wear the hat while the others are wanted criminals on the run. I distinctly remember AJ patting that hat on my head and said 'You're it!' and they started running for dear life.


They hated being the cowboy because the cowboy had to go around chasing people. I loved being the Cowboy. It made me feel important.


"Yeah, I remember." Kevin said, breaking my thoughts.


"I always thought that hat was cool." Howie said.


"Would be much cooler if they sell it in leopard print." AJ said. He had always been the strange one. Even today. Everyone had white suites on, it was the dress code. AJ had black suite to go with his black cap and told everyone he honestly thought it said 'black suite' in the card. We knew it was a lie though.


"Right." Brian said, rolling his eyes. "So, where's AC? Didn't think I see him today."


"Maria's dad's having a party or something." I replied.


"So? This is his family, he should be here man."


I wasn't too sure about that. How long had it been? Ever since dad packed our stuff and told us we were moving out when I was six. Mom wasn't going with us. Somehow, it didn't surprise me. The yelling, the fighting, it was bound to happen.


And then Maria came into the picture. She hated me the very second we met. She didn't have to have it verbalize for me to understand that the future looked bleak for me. She treated Aaron nicely though, which got on my nerve for the rest of the years that I was to stay in the same house as my father and his new wife.


"He got school anyway, so he can't fly here." I said, wanting to explain for my brother. The brother whom sometimes, I didn't even think I know anymore. It wasn't entirely his fault though. I guess he was more at peace with himself. Not caring of what happened to our parents and what Maria had brought into our second family. He accepted things were just the way they are because it was just the way it had to be. I couldn't do that.


I had too much anger.


"I heard you got a pad now." Brian said to me. I nodded, feeling a smile creeping up on the corners of my lips. My haven.


"It’s a small apartment with four other guys, not really a pad. More like a place to sleep at night."


"I'm in College like you too, but I'm still with my parents." Brian groaned.


I don't understand why Brian found it such a bad thing. We seemed to have this idea that we're old enough to live on our own once we got into College. We're only eighteen for God's sake. If you really think about it, we're still young.


I wish I could go home after school to my parents. Have them ask me how my day went and we would have dinner together, sharing our little private moment together. We would laugh at stupid jokes and make fun of each other.


Or maybe I felt that way because I never have that kind of a family.


"I think it's cool. At least there's someone to take care of you if you fall sick or something." I said.


The table grew silent. I wonder why.


Then Kevin had to speak up.


"I heard stuff from Jane before…about you being sick. Is that true?"


Jane, the mother I longed for but couldn't have.


"She's probably right." I said.


"Yeah, I heard her talked to my mom several times about it too. Said you were in hospital and stuff, I can't remember much, it was a long time ago." Brian said.


It was a long time ago. When I was seven to be exact.


I woke up with sharp pains on the right side of my abdomen. I couldn't remember much of anything other than the pain. I think I dragged myself to the kitchen to find father. I found Maria instead. I distinctly remembered telling her that I had a tummy ache and I wanted to see a doctor.


Carrots and celery.


She was chopping carrots and celery.


The next scene I saw was Maria waving the huge knife at me, her face like one of those monsters I watched in Scooby Doo.


"Call Jane and get her to send you there, understand? Or I'll poke your tummy with this!" And she pointed the knife right on my abdomen, just inches away from contact.


I remembered nodding and dragged myself back to the living room, unsure if I could make it back in time. I did, miraculously, and had somehow dialled mom's number. I remembered it by heart. I would often call her secretly when Maria was busy. I asked her to come and take me back, but she always said that I would be safer with father and that Aaron needed me.


The next thing I knew, mom was kicking at the front door and Maria was telling me to keep my mouth shut. But mom knew I was inside and kept kicking at the door, threatening to call the police if she didn't. Maria finally opened the door.


A fist on her face.


Mom had it right on her left eye. She started yelling and kicking and Maria wasn't about to stand there and took the punches. In the middle of the shouting and kicking and tearing each other's clothes off, I slipped out of the house barefooted and ran.


I knew where to go. Brian's house. They lived only a few blocks way from us but father rarely let me hang around him much after we left mom. Dad told us that mom was a bad person and that her family was bad for us. I told him that Maria was bad too. I got a slap for that. I never told him what I thought of our step-mother again.


Aunt Becky opened the door and immediately I was wrapped up in her warmth. I told her about mom and Maria and Uncle Shaun immediately sped away in the family wagon, going back to father's house.


"My tummy hurts." I said, and she made me lay back on Brian's bed and told me everything was going to be okay. She left the room and I found Brian sitting next to me, holding my hand. He was seven too, and had no idea what was going on. But I had to give credit to him for being so calm.


Aunt Becky came back with what she told me was ointment that would make me feel a lot better. She started massaging my stomach and whispered to me not to cry, that I would be okay. I told her I wanted to kill myself.


I even had it all planned.


I would hang my skipping rope from the top bunk of our bed and hang myself. I would leave behind a note for mom and dad. I even had the note memorized in my head. I was going to blame mom for cheating on dad and not wanting to take me back. And I would blame dad for loving his new wife more than Aaron and I. I blamed him for slapping me but did nothing every time Maria landed her hands on me. I blame God for giving me such parents.


"Don't say that Nicky, you'll be all right now. Go to sleep okay baby?" And then she sang to me. I believed her. I wanted to believe her.


But I woke up to a nightmare that never went away. And that little tummy ache I had would haunt me up to this day.


I took one final gulp of the wine and called the waiter for another glass. I knew I was going to pay for the consequences later, but for now, I just wanted to forget.


"It's true, years ago. I'm okay now."

A/n: Hi guys! Okay, to make things clearer for you, all 5 BSB are cousins. All are 18 years of age except for Kevin who is 20. This story will be told in POV of all 5 guys and will be divided into 5 parts. Part 1 is Nick, so for the next few chapters, it will be his POV. Hope that clears up stuff for you =)

Now on with the next chappie!

Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done
For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on


"Well, I wish I was there for you." Brian said, which surprised me, because after all those years, I felt a wall between all of us.


"It's not our fault." AJ said.

"It's our fucking parents." Howie gritted. I thought I had too much anger, I think Howie had more.

"They're your parents D." Brian said, as if Howie forgot. Nobody could ever forget their family, I know I didn't. No matter what happened to me, I still love my mom and father.

"That's cause your parents are still together, you're in a fucking happy family." Howie said. Brian took another sip of his Evian, choosing not to defend himself. I wasn't sure if the others saw it, but I thought I saw a depressed young man starring into nothingness. He reminded me of me.

"If I have a decent mom like yours, I'd be happy too." Howie continued. "If Nick has a decent mother maybe Aaron would still recognize us as cousins."

"Jane's a good mother." I said. I got irritated when they said my mom was a bad mother. She was a bad wife, didn't mean she was a bad mother. Those secret calls to her, she would tell the things that I wanted to hear, she would sing to me and gave me a lot of good advices. The only thing she couldn't do was to take me back. That was her only weakness.

"She cheated on Bob, Nick! How can you say she's a good mother?" Howie snapped.

"My father's no angel either." I said.

"He didn't cheat on his wife man. He's not the whore." I clenched my fists. Normally, I would have my fist somewhere on his face by now, I wasn't known for my patience in school. But today was Marcus' big day, I wasn't about to ruin it because my cousin thought he knew everything about me when we had been lost for years.

"No he isn't, he married one."

AJ laughed. "That's a good one, reminds me of my dad. He married a whore too."

"I don't think Julia's gonna like it if she heard that." Kevin chuckled.

"Do I look like I give shit?" AJ snickered.

"Women are Satan in disguise man." Howie sighed. I begged to differ, but decided I would keep my mouth shut for now.

"Is that why you're like this?" AJ asked. I didn't think I understood what he said and by the looks the guys were giving, they didn't seem to have any idea either.

"Like what?" Howie asked defensively.

"Nothing." AJ said, shaking his head. "Forget it."

Howie seemed contented enough to leave it at that. The waiter came for my drink, finally. I thanked him and took a small sip just because I was contemplating on leaving but didn't know how to be polite about it.

"Well, men aren't really angel either." I said. "I mean, I'm no angel."

"I know my dad's no angel," AJ smiled. "or my mom for that matter."

"At least she took you back." I reminded him. Mine didn't. Even though she loved me, she didn't take me back.

"Taking me back doesn't make it okay Nick. Look at Josh and Max, you think they're happy living with my mother right now? They'd rather go back to our father, at least he didn't hide the fact that he'd rather not have us around."

"Yeah Nick, look at AJ and I, doesn't mean it's gonna be okay if they take you back. I rather she left me with dad." Kevin said.

"If only he's not crazy, I think you'd still be with your dad." Howie said. I wondered when did the sweet, nice Howie turned so ugly. Kevin only nodded, which only got me frustrated.

"Think about it Nick, you think you're gonna be happier with Jane? Look at Anthony man. Think your step-father's gonna be fine and dandy with you around? He's too…up there. And you have your step-brother and sister to think about. Think Jane still have time for you? They're one fucking happy family now man, you're not in it."

"Shut the fuck up man." That was Brian. He was shaking his head and staring at his drink.

"You shut the fuck up Brian. You don't know how it's like, you have it easy."

"That doesn't give you the rights to talk that way about his parents! You don't know anything for sure, fuck it AJ, we've not talk to each other for like ten years and you think you know what's been going on with all of us?"

"He's just showing Nick here the truth man," Howie said. "unlike you, Nick can't afford to dream. They don't come."

"You don't know that." Kevin said. "Good things can still happen."

"In your dreams." Howie snapped.

I hated quarrels like this. My childhood was filled with them and it didn't help when I started dating girls. When they started acting all weird and I couldn't understand them and they started banging car doors and yelling at my face that they were disappointed in me. I couldn't take that. It scares me. The fear got bigger after that visit to our family doctor when I was fifteen.

I came back home and went straight to our room. Aaron was doing his homework. I crawled up to bed and cuddled myself, facing the wall, wishing that that day didn't happen at all. But walls weren't that thick in father's home.

"The doc said the cyst is back."

"Your son had it coming."

"What do you mean?"

"He shouldn't be running around all the time! Now he's gonna have to go and remove it again and it's going to cost!"

"I know, but he's my son."

"He's also Jane's son. Why don't you ask her to pay some of it?"

"She just had a baby honey, and I don't want her to gloat around just because her husband can give her the money to help us out."

"Just tell her Nick's going for surgery, if she has any sense at all, she'll offer to pay half of it."

It ended in a quarrel. A mix of banging doors, yelling and screaming and the sound of broken glasses. I knew dad left after that, he always leave when he had a fight with Maria, leaving her alone to vent her anger on us. The only reason why she didn't come into our room that day was because I was sick, she couldn't lay her hands on me. She was smart, she knew she wouldn't be able to explain herself for the bruises when the doctors start asking.

I remembered crying as quietly as I could that day. I realized I was a burden to my father. I blamed myself for not trying good enough to be a better son. I often ask God why he had given me this cyst. Why he had me suffering with this pain while my friends stayed healthy and had parents who love them. I kept asking if HE hated me for some reason.

My grades were falling, I kept to myself most of the time while Aaron just said yes to everything father and Maria asked of him. He kept his grades up and never asked for anything. He didn't seem to mind that father didn't buy him the latest toys or brought us to holidays during summer breaks. But Aaron always asked me the very question I kept asking myself. He asked about mom.

At night, when we couldn't go to sleep, he would climb down from his bed and slept with me and we would talk.

"Nicky, did you talk to mom today?"

"Yeah, but she's busy."

"Are we spending summer with her and Uncle Tony?"

"No, she's busy."

"Did she ask about me?"

"Of course squirt, she misses you."

"But she's too busy for us."

"Yeah. But she loves us."

"I love her too."

I went for that surgery two weeks later. Dad called mom to tell her that I was going, he didn't tell her that he needed money. Mom didn't offer either. When I woke up after that surgery, the first person I saw was Aunt Becky and grandma. They told me that mom couldn't come because she had the baby to take care of.

Maria came to take me home a week later because father had to work. She let me sit in the shotgun because she knew I loved sitting there. Ever since she came into my father's life, she had been the one sitting in the shotgun while Aaron and I would be at the back. I was pretty surprised to say the least.

"Can you take care of yourself better Nick? We can't afford to have that cyst coming back, your father's spending all his saving on you and that's bad. We have nothing to eat if he keeps sending you back to the hospital."

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"Good. And keep the grades up, your teacher's asking for us to come see them because you keep failing and we can't afford to take a day off just to sit around listening how bad you are at school. And if you call your mother, tell her to send you some money. You know she has a baby now right?"

"I know."

"She has a baby and a rich husband and she thinks she can forget about you two. She didn't even offer to pay for your hospital stay, what kind of a mother is she? And your father keep working hard to pay for your bills and hardly have time for me and I'm stuck with you and your brother. I love your father, but I didn't ask for two sons. I'm sure you didn't ask for a step-mother either."

"I'm glad you love my father."

The rest of the ride home went silent after that. I knew where I stood then. For as long as I stayed with father, I would be like an unwanted guest. I couldn't wait to grow up and leave the house and have a home of my own. I planned to bring Aaron with me, we could live together without mom or father. I figured we would be happier that way, just the two of us.

I learnt how to take care of myself better after that, even though that wasn't the last I would see of the cyst. I learnt how to cook instant noodles when both Maria and father were away. I learnt to save what little pocket money father gave me for school. The only place I found truly at home was when I was in school, friends helped me got through the worst of times.

The phone calls to mom gradually lessen. By the time I was sixteen, I heard she had another baby. So she had a boy and a girl. A brother and sister whom I had never met. That was when Stacie came in. My first serious girlfriend.

"We need more of this." AJ said, raising his glass of wine. "You need one too, loosen up a little." He said to Brian.

"I don't drink." Brian replied.

"We can tell." Howie said.

"You need anger management." Brian snapped back.

"I'll go get the drinks." Kevin sighed and walked off.

"I'm getting one too." Howie said and left. AJ busied himself with his drink while Brian looked around, probably telling himself to calm down. We all wanted to get out of here, soon, but we couldn't, because for at least a day, we thought we could be civil.

"I don't remember us being assholes." I said, breaking the silence.

"We grow up man. Grown ups are fucking retards." AJ said. Sometimes, I think AJ has the best vocabularies.

"Because of our parents." I said.

He nodded.

"I think they got married to the wrong person, get fucked, born the wrong kids, divorce each other, find their right partners, get married again, get fucked, born the right kids and be happy. So where do the wrong kids go? Who fuck cares, you know? We're like their access baggage they couldn't wait to get rid of. Get good grades Alex, find a good job so you can have a big house."

"When what they wanna say is, I don't want no teacher calling up and nag at me, you find a good job so you can pay back all the money I've wasted on you and buy yourself a house so you can get out of mine." I said.

He laughed. "That's what I'm talking about…ain't that right B?"

Brian didn't even look his way. "How should I know, my parents are still married."

"Man, you are not still mad about that, are you?"

"Oh, so you can get mad cause your parents are fucked up and I can't cause I'm suppose to have a happy family? You're too full of yourself J."

I couldn't take it anymore, for once, I'd like to be surrounded by family members who weren't yelling at each other. Or where glasses did not end up broken.

"I don't know what Howie's deal is, but if he's mad at his mom, he shouldn't lash out on you. I'm glad at least one of us didn't end up that bad. Kinda give us hope." I said.

Brian shook his head, his lips turned to a snicker. "Doesn't mean it's all rosy ya know? So I'm better off than any of you, didn't mean we're America's favorite family."

"And Howie's much more mess up than what he's leading us to see." AJ said. That got our attention.

"Yeah?"

AJ nodded. "I think he's totally losted."

"Losted?" Brian smiled.

"I know, cool word." AJ smiled. "But he didn't know I know, so if he decides to keep it a secret, it's not mine to tell."

Brian frowned. He had always been the worrier too. "Anybody else think Kevin's too quiet, or has he always been that way?"

I shrugged, because I really didn't know. Ten years could really change someone.

"I think he's upset cause Hayde's not invited." AJ said and then started shaking his head when he realized what he had just said. "I didn't mean to say that your-"

"It's okay, I understand. But for the record, we did invite him and Natalie but he told my mom that he's too embarrass to come."

"Can't blame him though. He wasn't invited to Jaime's wedding two years back, and he's his son. I hope Kevin invites him when he gets married."

"I'm sure Kevin will, he's always been close to Hayde, at least until he went crazy." Brian said.

"That's what I'm saying man, maybe Kevin's a shame of his father now."

I knew too much about being a shame, unfortunately. I wouldn't totally blame Kevin if he felt that way though, cause I understand him.

Stacie never knew about my family and how messed up we were. She didn't know anything about my sickness either. When I met her, I was cyst-free and like I said before, I took care of myself. Maria still hates me but I was getting better at avoiding her. Truth is, it didn't hurt when Maria hit me, or when she told me point blank what a nuisance I was to her.

It hurts when she said all those things in front of father and he did nothing to stop it. He didn't do anything when Aunt Becky told him of my plan to kill myself when I was seven, why would he stop Maria from killing me?

Being with Stacie made me forget about who I really am. I felt perfect when she was around and she made me the most important person in her life. We did everything together and I loved her. I would tell Aaron that I was going to marry her but Aaron always smile and never said anything about it. I always assumed he was too young to understand.

It changed when I brought Stacie home for the first time. Nobody was at home and the only reason I even let her came into our house was because I forgot to bring the history book I borrowed from her. We decided to finish up our history assignment together.

Maria came back home earlier than usual that day and found us in my room. Stacie was doing her work on my study table while I was lying in bed because my stomach started to act up again. I had been having the aches ever since I woke up that day and I had assumed it was due to missing dinner the night before. I was being punished for not washing the dishes quick enough.

"You son of a bitch! So this is what you've been doing while I'm not around!"

I got confused at first. I didn't understand what she was yelling about but it seemed like Stacie understood. She got so mad when Maria accused her of being a whore. Before I knew it, both of them were yelling at each other. It ended when Maria slapped her.

Stacie was beyond consoling and I understood that. I offered to send her home but she refused to have anything to do with me. So I watched helplessly as she ran, crying her way back home. I went straight to bed after that because I was feeling too sick to argue. Maria left me alone, which troubled me. It meant that she was brewing something worst.

I woke up to father's yelling.

It almost sent me back to sleep if it hadn't been for Aaron's cries.

I got out of bed feeling a little rejuvenated. They were in the living room, with Aaron cuddled up next to the sofa, his hands covering his face protectively. Maria and father were standing in the middle of the room, yelling at each other. I didn't know what had happened before but the next thing that came out from them, I wish I didn't hear.

"Never mind your ex-wife's a whore, but I don't want her son to start fucking girls in this house!"

"Shut your mouth Maria, I don't want you to call Jane by that name again, you hear!"

"Why are you defending her all of a sudden huh? You always defend your sons and now you're defending her too! Then why am I still here Bob? Why! You never really love me do you? You spent your money on your good for nothing son and now he's turning this house into a brothel and you're still defending him!"

"Shut your mouth now Maria or I'll-"

"Or you'll what? Hit me? I dare you! Hit me! Hit me if you're a man!"

I never see father raised his hand on a woman before. Not even to mom when he found out she was cheating on him. He would slap me or Aaron if we said something really bad, but that was it. That was the only good thing I remember about father. He never hits anyone and wasn't quick with his mouth, but he didn't stop Maria from hitting me though. He did nothing when she started insulting me in front of him.

That night, father raised his hand and I wanted to stop him. I didn't want him to do something that he'd regret later. I ran and stood in between them, begging him to stop. I think I managed to yell 'Dad!' before his fist hit my abdomen.

I didn't realized I fainted until I woke up in my bed, with father looking down on me. He was crying. He told me how sorry he was, that he didn't mean it. He tried to touch my hand when I didn't say a thing and I flinched.

"You're shivering, are you cold son?" He asked. I couldn't tell him anything because for the first time, I was truly afraid of him. I felt totally unsafe.

"I'm really sorry Nicky, I didn't mean to hit you, you shouldn't have jump in like that." He finally gave up when I kept mum.

When he left, Aaron climbed down from his bed and slept with me. It was his way of telling me that we're still brothers no matter what.

"He hit me too Nicky."

I couldn't promise him that it would never happen again but he wasn't looking for a promise, just a shoulder to cry on.

"Nobody loves us Nicky."

"I love you, remember that."

"I love you too."

We cried ourselves to sleep that night. It was growing into a habit of ours.

Have you been wondering why I carried all these skin
When it’s you who help me put up all these walls I’ve built

“Drink up Cous.” Howie said, holding out the wine glass to Brian.

“I told you I don’t drink.” Brian snapped, waving his hand aimlessly to shove the glass away. He hit a perfect target and the glass slipped from Howie’s hand. It fell to the floor, sound of broken glasses froze everyone in place.

“No worries, just a slip of this silly hand that’s all!” Howie announced to everyone. “Go on, keep dancing and be merry.”

Everything went back to normal in a skip of a heartbeat and Howie’s face turned dark when he resumed his seat. “What the fuck is your problem man? That’s Evian, I just thought you’d prefer it in a wine glass.”

“You were getting on my nerves, that’s why.” Brian snapped. “Is it really that strange that I don’t drink?”

“It is, but I wasn’t offering you alcohol.” Howie bite back.

“It looked like you were.” Brian replied.

Howie dragged his chair as he took his seat. It felt wrong to have them seated next to each other.

“Nick, you okay?” Kevin asked, which got me frowning. Why shouldn’t I?

“I’m good.” I said, feeling uncomfortable that the attention was now on me. “Why?”

Kevin shrugged and drank his wine. “I just thought you looked pale for a second there.”

Maybe I did. I told you I hate fights. Especially if it involves broken glasses.

“Look, why don’t we just drink up and forget about that for now? Lets not start a scene.” Kevin said as he started passing around the drinks.

“You look like a waiter.” AJ laughed. It broke the tense because Kevin really did look like one.

“Summer job.” Kevin said, trying to keep a straight face.

“Are you serious?” Brian laughed. “Where?”

“Some restaurant in LA.”

“That’s not bad man, I worked in worst places.” Howie sighed.

AJ raised his glass as if for a toast. “Oh do tell.”

“Mc Donald’s, Burger King, Long John Silver and Pizza Hut.”

We burst out laughing. Imagining Howie in those uniforms was too painful.

“Yeah, laugh all you can.” Howie smiled.

“You’re a serial fast food worker.” I said.

“Ain’t complaining, I need the dough.”

“How about you? Any odd jobs weirder than D here?” Brian asked AJ and I.

“I worked at KFC for like two years after school and then I tried paperboy, which didn’t last long cause I can’t wake up that early.” AJ claimed.

“You sure it’s not cause of some neighbour’s dog chasing your ass down?” Kevin joked.

“You kidding? Dogs bow to this dude.” Howie laughed.

“I’ll leave it at that.” AJ smiled and then looked at me, ready to divert the firing squad over to me. “How about you?”

“I shine shoes at a bowling alley in the summer, that’s it.” Cause I was too busy going in and out of hospitals.

“That’s cool man. I worked in a kiosk once but I quit when we got robbed on one of my shifts.” Brian said.

“Oh man, did he wave a gun or something?” Howie asked, too excitedly if I may say so myself.

“Nah, a knife. It didn’t bother me much until I watched the surveillance camera. Got some stupid ass phobia after that.”

“I’d quit too.” Kevin said. “Probably have nightmares after that.”

Brian shrugged. “I didn’t get nightmares but I think about it sometimes. I thought of stuff that I could actually do to stop him or what would happen if he’d actually use that thing on me. I feel useless sometimes just thinking about it.”

I wish I could tell Brian ‘ I hear ya bro’ but I didn’t. He’d be wondering why I would feel useless and then the questions will start coming in.

Father and Maria had already left for work when I woke up the next day. It wasn’t unusual, we had the reliable alarm clock to wake us up and it wasn’t like she ever had breakfast waiting at the table in the morning. I had a slight fever, probably because I had skipped dinner again the night before. Not that I wanted to, but after all the ordeal I went through, food was the last thing in my mind.

I made sure Aaron was on time to catch his bus and then it was one long walk for me. Normally, I would have Jeff and Steve to walk with, but I had called them up earlier that I would be late. It was just an excuse though. Jeff especially had been through the worst with me and I was thankful for him and Steve, but I wasn’t in the mood to be scrutinised.

Going to school was a dread. The entire walk was spent dwelling on the fact that the one person who had made me happy was now gone. Every morning I would wait for her by the student parking lot because her seventeen year old brother drove to school. She had a family I always dreamt of having. Even Gerrard, her brother, was nice to me. We would talk about random things, Stacie and I, before we headed for class. No matter how bad it had been the night before at home, I could always find escape in school and in her.

That day, I knew I would be entering school alone. It didn’t felt as bad as I thought it would be, because part of me didn’t want her to see me in that condition.

I stayed in class during break because I was too worn out by then. My stomach had been growling since morning but I had no money with me to buy lunch. What I had left, all two dollars, was given to Aaron. Father had forgotten our pocket money again, although Aaron prefer referring to it as ‘pretending to forget’. Sometimes I forgot that Aaron was growing up and I couldn’t sugar coat things for him anymore.

“So you’ve decided to avoid me now?”

Stacie found me when I was in the middle of searching for some kind of ease from the fever. Sleep would be good.

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you here? You know what, don’t even explain that. I can’t believe you, the least you could have done is straighten things up with me not hide like this.”

“I’m not hiding.”

“Right. I thought you really care for me but-”

“Of course I care.”

“Yeah? Where were you when your mom called me a whore? Where were you when she slapped me and accuse us of having sex? You were freaking sitting on the bed like you’re not even there! You didn’t even move!”

I sat there, speechless, because she said the truth. I did nothing, just sat there and watched them fight. I wanted to help her, I swear, but the yelling, screaming, hitting…

“I don’t want a boyfriend who can’t defend me Nick! It’s useless!”

We broke up that day.

every time I tried to grasp for air, I am smothered in despair its never over
seems I’m never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer let it be over

I must have been too deep in my thoughts and had not realised that everyone was looking at me. The only reason why it was finally brought to my attention was the fact that my mother was now standing next to my seat, looking at me expectantly.

She was glowing and pretty in pink. Her dark curly hair was styled with baby breaths and the light make up on her face sent twinkles in her ageing eyes. Yet I also saw happiness in them. Complete bliss.

And why not? She has a husband who loves her and could give her anything that her heart desires. She has a four year old son who is just adorable and a two year old daughter who is beginning to take after her.

“Hey mom.” I got up from my seat and we embraced. She kissed my cheek and I heard AJ groaned at the back. I couldn’t help the smile on my face. Of course, which 18 year old guy would let his mother kiss him in public?

An 18 year old guy deprived of a mother’s love. That’s who.

Such a simple gesture, yet I yearned for her touch, her warm embrace, her soft lips on my cheeks and that assuring voice whispering in your ear, ‘hi baby’.

I’m her baby.

I was her baby.

“You’re looking good.” I said as I pulled myself from the embrace and look at her again. Her cheeks flushed red, she laughed and cupped my face in the palms of her hands. Our eyes met and for the first time in a long run, I got to look into those hazel brown and drown myself with memories of us together.

“You’re beautiful…quite a young man you’ve turned out to be.” I blushed at her comment, unsure of what to say to that. She smiled and turned towards the guys on the table. “Boys, you wouldn’t mind if I steal your cousin for awhile, would you?”

A chorus of ‘you go ahead Jane’, ‘she’s your son auntie’ and ‘we don’t need him anyway’ could be heard. The last one was meant as a joke, of course. Not surprising that it came from AJ.

“Lets go for a walk, there’s a lot to catch up.” She took my hand in hers and with our fingers intertwined, we walked out of the frenzy and headed for the miniature garden at the back of the tent. We sat on a bench that had medieval carving of some sorts, facing the wishing fountain.

“So, College boy now huh?” She teased. I nodded and smiled, momentarily transporting myself back to the apartment I had managed to rent with a couple of other guys.

“Yup. Finally out on my own.”

“You have your own apartment now?”

“I rent one with four other guys I know from high school. Got a job at a family clinic nearby so I’m good.”

“Family clinic?” She was surprised, no doubt.

“Yeah. I’m earning myself to be an apprentice,” I said. “I wanna be a paediatrician, hopefully.”

“Taking care of sick children, Nicky, I’m impressed.” I could see that she was proud and that alone, warm my heart. It had been awhile since I made somebody proud of me. Not even when I graduated high school and got myself into College. For one thing, Maria was happy that I was finally out of the house and dad was finally relieved and was looking forward to more peaceful days ahead in the house. Aaron wasn’t as difficult to raise as I was. They didn’t tell me this out loud, but it was clear to see that whatever future medical expenses that might arise from my ‘problem’, I would have to fork it out myself.

“Yeah well, I’ve been there before, I figured it’s time to pay back.”

“You’re still not quite okay yet Nicky.”

“It’s not going to go away Mom, I’ve accepted that fact. Everybody falls sick sometimes.” Actually, she was a heavy smoker when she conceived me. She never did quit until she remarried again. It was a bless that Aaron turned out okay. I wasn’t as lucky.

“It’s your health Nicky, don’t take it lightly.” she said, resting her hand on my lap. “I wish you had gone to a college here in Florida, we can see each other more often, I missed you.”

I nodded. “I do too, but I don’t wanna be too far from AC, he’s in his teens now, somebody gotta keep an eye on him.”

“You shouldn’t be burden with that Nick. AC’s your father’s responsibility as a parent. You’re growing up yourself, you shouldn’t be burden with such things.”

I think I froze. Yeah, I did. And then it slowly sank in me. The heavy burden, the worries, the fact that I had always been alone, even in the company of many.

“We’re your responsibility too, but where were you most of the time I was growing up? Don’t put the blame on dad.”

“Nick, your dad and I divorced, he had custody of you both, there was only so much I could do. You think I didn’t think of you all those time?”

I pushed her hand off my lap. I felt so small all of a sudden. “I don’t know what to think. Honestly, I had no idea.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it a little. She pulled me nearer, beckoning me to look at her. I did. “I think about you Nicky…you and Aaron. I spent my nights crying because I wanted you both with me. But when your dad moved to New York, I could do little to get in touch with you both. I don’t blame you for thinking that I didn’t care, but you have no idea what I’ve been through Nick. You have no idea of the struggle I had to overcome after I lost you and Aaron. No idea.”

I got up from my seat and stared down at her. It was funny though, I had grown so much taller and bigger than her, and yet, I still feel small. That in the heat of the moment, when anger was taking over, I still yearn for her love.

“And I suppose you know what we’ve been through? What I’ve been through? When I got so sick I thought I was gonna die without seeing you one last time? When I got thrown across the room just cause dad was getting sick with me always upsetting Maria? I suppose you know all the lies I had to come with whenever Aaron asked for you? You know what happened to me when Uncle Joe came over to take care of us when dad and his wife went on vacation? Did you?”

I never tell anyone what happened with Uncle Joe. Except to Brian once. But it was brief and on the phone and he was eleven, still a kid like me. I doubt he remembered.

Mom was crying now but she wasn’t the only one. And frankly, I don’t care.

“What did he do to you Nick? How could your dad leave you with that good for nothing brother of his?”

"Don't talk about Dad that way, you have no rights!"

"Nick...please...you're going to fall sick if you don't calm down right now. I know Joe sweetheart, no kids should be left alone with him! What did he do to you?"

“I was eleven Mom, you’re seven years behind if you think telling you now will make a difference.”

“That’s not fair Nicky.” She cried.

“NICKY! NICKY!” I brushed my tears away, Casey was running towards me. He had blonde floppy hair that glistened against the sunlight, his clear blue eyes dances with innocence of a child. He was wearing a blue denim overall with a white shirt underneath. I went down on my knees and spread my arms wide, waiting for his embrace.

He slammed into me, tightly pulling me in his hug. His laughter tickled the nape of my neck. I laughed along with him, planting a huge, wet kiss on his cheek.

“My baby brother’s all grown up now!” I said, ruffling his hair like mom used to do to me. It was like looking at myself in the past. Except that he had Tony’s tan and smile.

“Casey honey, were you looking for mommy?” Mom said. I stole a glance over and she was all smile. No hint of tears whatsoever.

“Mommy, I want ice kweem!”

I got up and carried him in my arms before setting him on mom’s lap. It’s a pity that he would grow up not really knowing who his two elder brothers are. I ruffled his hair one last time before my gaze rested on my mother again.

“You married Tony. You have two kids. You’re happy. You moved on.” I wanted to tell her how easily she had replaced Aaron and I with Casey and Jodie, but I held myself back. I may not be pleased at my mom and dad, but I love my step brother and sister.

“So don’t talk to me about being unfair.”

tbc...

A/n: Huge thank you to you who reviewed at absolutechaos and vaffel, you know who you are
=)

A little note to everyone…I’m sorry if this story is depressing, lol…but it is written from a true life account, only that it’s BSB’d by me. I promise you though that there’ll be uplifting moments, as life is filled with both happy and sad, but this chapter is still rather angsty.

A lil warning though, this chapter has mild graphic content in it, I hate putting Nick through it but it did happen in real life [not to nick though, thank God! Lol]…and before you start guessing, I’ll just tell you…no, this is not the story of my life but someone dear to me nonetheless. =)

Ps: excuse the grammar, tenses and whatever else mistakes in there, hehe.

No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Whenever Maria and Dad decided to have a little escape of their own to unwind, they would send Aaron and I to Uncle Joe’s. He had three children of his own, two were boys around my age, the youngest being a girl who was still a tiny baby back then. Aunt Jenny, she’s Uncle Joe’s wife, was a very lovely woman, I like her a lot. Whenever we came around, she would be waiting for us with chocolate bars or small crackers.

Despite all that, I never liked being left there. I remember always crying and pleading my dad to take us with him and not leave us with Uncle Joe and Aunt Jenny. I didn’t really know why I was reacting that way, we were very close to the kids and for once, Aaron and I didn’t have to be weary at every single thing we did because we never got any scolding or punishment from Aunt Jenny. All I knew was, my heart was never at ease when I stepped into their house. I guess it was an omen or something, I don’t know.

That fateful day, when dad left us there, he told me he would be away for two days, so we had to have a sleep over. I was nine.

We slept in the boys’ room that night and being the oldest, I offered to take the floor, where Aunt Jenny had kindly placed a fold up mattress for me. To tell you what happened would mean recalling back the nightmares that comes along with it. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find Uncle Joe looking down on me. I felt things that I couldn’t comprehend being only nine, but I somehow knew that they were wrong. He didn’t expect me to wake up but I did.

“Go back to sleep Nicky, nothing’s wrong.”

He left the room after that but I couldn’t go back to sleep. The image of my uncle in nothing but his underwear and his hand resting on places on my body threw any spell of sleep out the window. I remember pulling the blanket up to my chin to keep me warm, for I realised my PJ had mysteriously disappeared from my body.

When Aunt Jenny came early morning the next day to wake us up for school, I was still troubled by what happened the night before. I felt almost guilty for being such a brat when she had been nothing but nice to me. We were having breakfast when Uncle Joe came and joined us. He sat next to me.

I couldn’t eat my cereal anymore. I didn’t even know why I started trembling the way I did. I dropped the spoon on the floor and started retching my breakfast out. I really thought I was going insane, trembling the way I did. I felt cold even though it was rather warm then. I felt a hand rubbing my back and it eased me up a little, mom always does that when I got sick.

“It’s okay Jenny, I’ll take care of this.” His voice was loving and soft but I found no comfort in them. I froze when I realised the hand that was rubbing my back was none other than Uncle Joe’s. I wanted to run away, I wanted to have nothing to do with him.

I messed my shirt up of course and he brought me back to his sons’ room to have me change into something new. I pleaded all the way back to the room, begging him not to take me there. I don’t want him to see my body again, to touch me again.

“Nicky, you don’t have to be afraid of me okay? Nothing happened last night. Just keep that between the two of us okay?”

I nodded because I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I knew something was wrong though; adults always make us keep a secret if something went wrong. Like that time when Maria had gone too far with her beatings and I spotted a visible bruise on my cheek. I told Dad I fell off the stairs the school, just like Maria taught me to say. Dad of course bought everything I said, because knowing that I screwed up was easier than having to face his wife for hitting me.

I found it amusing now because I was only nine and the things that I was thinking in the school bus was why life has to suck for me. How come I wasn’t thinking about what cartoons would be on TV after school?

I recalled hiding in the boys’ room during recess that day because all I wanted to do was cry and I couldn’t do that in the open. Besides, the saying that had been going around school was, that boys don’t cry. They must have a much better life than me, I guess.

I went straight to the restroom after I left my mom in a lurch. I wasn’t expecting the confrontation at all and to actually burst out the way I did, it took away the entire facade I had been wearing all day. I couldn’t wait for this day to be over, life wasn’t any better back in New York but at least there, the guys I’m rooming with didn’t know about my past, I could be normal for once.

The moment I entered the restroom, I eyed the porcelain sink, the need to throw up was too great to be ignored. I knew I was making myself sick but I couldn’t help it. It had been awhile since I felt this down. College life had kept me busy from going back to yesterdays and raking up memories I’d rather not have. I let friends into my life because I was tired of being alone and miserable. They were great, they introduced me to the nightlife, something I couldn’t afford back in high school. They gave me my first drink and taught me how much is enough so that I could still appear sober in lectures the next day. These friends were great to have around if I want to feel free and without problems.

I also realised for the first time, that girls like me. They actually think that I’m good looking. I have never look at myself that way before. But I still let them into my life though careful not to get in too deep. I knew they wouldn’t want me if I tell them of my illness, and you know what, I want them to want me.

Brian found me while I was still throwing my stomach content in the sink. I hate it when that happen but if I were to be found in such a situation, I’d rather have Brian find me than anybody else.

“You okay there Nick?”

You know why I prefer Brian than anybody else? He pretends that everything is fine even though it’s not. That’s just Brian.

And that’s also the reason why he was the only soul I told about what happened with Uncle Joe. I called him one night because I needed to tell somebody before I went crazy. I needed someone to tell me what happened because I had a clue but I wasn’t sure if it was the right way to feel in the first place.

“It’s not okay Nicky, that’s wrong what he did.” Brian had told me back then. He even persuaded me to tell dad, I lied and said I would. I also made him promise not to tell a soul. He didn’t.

“I’m fine.” I said after the last bout ended. I rinsed my mouth and avoided his gaze at all times. He just stood there like he always would. Brian is the cousin who always wants to be there for you but at the same time wouldn’t push you into telling him anything. “How come you’re not peeing or washing your hands or stuff like that? This is the restroom you know.”

He giggled. “I’m hiding.”

“From?”

“The morons at our table. They’re having a burping contest, courtesy of AJ.”

I smirked. “And why are you hiding?”

“Okay fine, I lied.” He sighed. “We saw you heading here so I volunteered to get you back. We figured it’s only fair you take a shot before we declare a winner.”

“This is crazy, you know that right?” I said as we walked back to our table.

Brian gave me the ‘duh’ look. “When is it not?”

Howie was holding out a can of Coke to me when he saw us from afar. I didn’t even dare to ask Brian where they got that. By the time we reached our table, there were smiles all around.

“Howie’s winning, that’s not right at all.” Kevin pouted. I think it was the first time I really see an honest expression from him.

“Kevin burp like a girl.” AJ snickered.

“Speak for yourself man.” Kevin retorted.

“I told you I wasn’t ready! Give me another shot and I’ll show the real stuff.” AJ argued.

“Man, quit whining already. Fact is, I’m winning,” Howie sighed and then looked at me. “You’re the only one standing in my way now, so I suggest you bring it.”

Brian rubbed my shoulder as I took the can from Howie. “Show him what you got Nick, bring his ass down.”

I laughed. It was in times like this that I always remind myself that things weren’t always so gloomy. There were good days with dad and there were bearable days with Maria. There were times when I actually let myself believe that we could one day, be a family. But I couldn’t let myself dwell in those memories, at least not right now.

Right now, I have another mission in hand.

Oh I’ll bring it alright.

I raised the can as if for a toast, taunting Howie a little. Ah, I wish we had a camera.

“Ready to lose D?”

All I need is a sip.

I feel sorry for everyone within earshot.

Disclaimer: Opening lyrics from chp 1 to 5 can be found in Stripped By Christina Aguilera

Trying hard to fill the emptiness
the pieces gone, left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is



“Speech! Speech! Speech!”

After our little ‘burping’ competition, which I won by the way, things got a little bit better on our table. The uncomfortable silence were gone, even Howie discarded that ‘tough, pissed off’ attitude and don the easy going guy I once used to know. The drinks helped a little, at least for me. It drowned that little nagging voice at the back of my head about mom and the blow up earlier.

Marcus and his bride was about to give his speech and we were prompting him further. I guess we were all under the influence of the drinks, well, Brian aside of course. I couldn’t remember much of the young Marcus growing up, but there was an incident that I would never ever forget.

It was my eight birthday, a month before we were to move to New York. Birthdays were like any other day in our household, so I was watching television with Aaron while Dad was asleep in his room and Maria was cooking when the doorbell rang.

-

“I got it!” I exclaimed, pushing myself up from the floor and headed for the door.

“DON’T YELL NICKOLAS, YOUR FATHER IS ASLEEP!” I remembered shaking my head then, wondering if the woman dad married realised that she was practically screaming too.

The moment I opened the door, I was filled with a mix of confusion and happiness. There standing in front of me were Brian and Marcus.

“Happy birthday cous!” Brian grinned, handing out a small box that was nicely wrapped. It was green with yellow balloons cause I love green and I guess balloons are for birthdays.

“Oh wow! How did you get here? Is aunt Jackie here too?”

“Just the two of us, I’m afraid.” Marcus said. “Where is everybody?”

“Oh, dad’s asleep and mom’s cooking. We’re watching cartoons, wanna come in?”

“NICKOLAS, DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS, CLOSE THAT DOOR BEFORE I SLAM YOU ON IT!”

It was a common saying in our household but Brian and Marcus were unfamiliar with such verbal abuse that I saw them literally backing away.

“It’s okay mom, it’s Brian and Marcus.”

There was silence in the kitchen and then Maria appeared next to me with a huge smile on her face. “Why are you kids still standing there? Nick, show some manners and invite them in the next time, they’re no strangers!”

I rolled my eyes, which Brian caught. We grinned.

“It’s okay Mrs. Carter, we’re running late ourselves, is it okay if we just talk to Nick out here for a minute?” Marcus said.

“Of course not honey!” she turned back and started calling for my brother. “Aaron, Brian and Marcus’ here, come say hello sweetie!”

I cringed. Sweetie?

“Stay a while boys, I’ll make some lemonade.”

“Thanks Mrs. Carter.”

I hated her for being pretentious in front of them. The last thing I needed was my cousins telling me how lucky I was to get Maria for a step-mother.

Aaron came running out then and his eyes grew wide at the sight of the present. “Oh wow, a present! Open it Nicky! Open it!” It was really sad. The gift was just the size of a grown man’s palm but to us back then, it was the biggest gift we could ever get.

“We’ll get you one for your birthday too AC, no worries.” Brian said.

Aaron smiled. “Cool!”

I unwrapped the present after much persistence from Aaron. It was a paperback, green coloured diary with a picture of a boy playing on his nintendo.

“I hope you like it.” Brian said. “I didn’t have any money so Marcus bought it with the money mom gave him for school. I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s from the both of us.” Marcus insisted. “Brian help me chose it.”

“I like it guys. Thanks a lot!”

“You should draw cartoons in there Nick! You’re good at drawing!” Aaron chipped in.

Maria came with a tray full of tall glasses of lemonade. And she had four glasses, to my surprise. "Here boys, drink up. I see you got Nick a present, that’s lovely.”

“It’s nothing much.” Marcus said.

“It’s the thought that counts,” Maria replied. “Nick, remember to thank your cousins for the presents.”

“Already did mom.” I replied. I also ended up washing the glasses once Marcus and Brian left. A week after that, Maria threw the diary Marcus gave me in one of her fit. I had written so much in there and some drawings like Aaron suggested. I still miss that book whenever I think about it.

But not all was lost. That night, Dad brought both Aaron and I out for a drive. Maria didn’t came with us but she didn’t stop dad either. She even helped to get us all dress up for the occasion.

There was a little lake at the end of our neighbourhood. On weekends, it would be filled with families spending time together. They would have huge picnic baskets filled with mouth watering food and drinks. The kids would play with other kids and parents made friends with other parents. We used to do that before mom and dad divorced. In fact, it would be a huge event every weekend for us. All of mom’s brothers and sisters would bring their family out, including grandma and grandpa. It was the best of time to hang out with my fellow cousins.

That was where dad brought us that night. It was calm and rid off families. I remember it was a Tuesday night. Dad spread a little mat, fit for the three of us to sit on and even surprised us with a small picnic basket.

I remember the full moon too. It was smiling down on us.

Dad took three cans of Mountain Dews because it was my favourite drink and then, a rather huge, chocolate cup cake and told me to hold it. It must have been small, now that I think about it, but back then, it was the hugest cup cake I’ve ever laid my hands on.

“I can’t afford you a real birthday cake, I hope this is okay.” And then he took out a green birthday candle from his breast pocket and planted it on the cake. Aaron was already clapping his hands in delight.

He lit the candle and from the light, I saw my dad for the first time. A tired man, husband and father, who was trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Most importantly, I saw the love that I once used to see in his eyes. I thought it was gone but that night I knew, that love was never gone, just hidden behind the ever growing thick, grey clouds.

They sang me my birthday song and dad broke the cake into half and told me to share it with my brother. It was a lot for the both of us but we hardly ate something as delicious as a chocolate cake and Aaron wasn’t about to waste it away.

“How about you?” I asked, seeing dad sipping his drink.

“Nah, I’m not hungry. You go right ahead.”

I looked at the moon again, it was still smiling down on us. I remembered praying for that night to last forever. I broke my share of the cake into half and handed a share over to dad. “You can have half of mine dad, I’m full already.”

He ruffled my hair and took the cake from me. “Happy birthday Nicky.”

-

Marcus made a very heart-warming speech. He thanked his parents, seeking their forgiveness for all the bad things he did in his life and the things that had caused them heartache in bringing him up. I glanced at Brian at that moment, there were tears in his eyes, he was proud of his brother, that’s for sure, but there was also something else there, something I couldn’t quite catch.

When Marcus thanked his dad for always being there for him and teaching him how to be a true man, AJ laughed. “Take a hint dad!” He exclaimed. His father was at a table across from us, with his new wife and their new born child. Mr. McLean raised his glass of champaign and yelled back “Thanks son!”.

AJ shook his head. He turned to us and snickered. “Thanks, my ass.”

“Amen to that!” Howie cried, raising his glass. We ended up with a cheers.

After the speech, Marcus and his bride danced to ‘I Do’ by those 98 Degrees guys. The crowd slowly joined in on the floor and we were, once again, left on our own.

“That was a nice speech.” I said.

“I agree.” Kevin said, nodding his head.

“Practice well cous, you might as well be next.” Howie said to Kevin. It was true though, if we follow the line of our cousins, Kevin would be next to tie the knot.

“And I’m what? 19? It’s safe to say it’s gonna be a while before you get another wedding in this family.” Kevin replied.

“That’s a good thing. Besides, at the rate our parents keep getting divorced and getting married again, we should just take a back seat.” Howie pointed out.

Brian scratched his head. “Anybody else thinking this song is too slow? I’m getting sleepy already.”

“Sappy love song. This ain’t right.” AJ sighed.

“Did you know the DJ’s a friend of mine?” Kevin asked.

That got our attention.

“I’ll be right back.” Kevin smiled. He headed for the DJ’s booth.

The song abruptly ended. There was a moment of silence, and then the buzz of confusion from the crowd. And then the beat of the next song filled the atmosphere.

I almost choked in my drink.

“Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about!” AJ screamed, taking his jacket off and swinging it like some striptease.

“Lets crash this wedding!” Howie cried, already on his way to the dance floor.

Brian grabbed for the half full can of Coke and drank it all. Crushing the can with his bare hands, he looked at me and winked. “Come on Nick, it’s our time.”

I shook my head but followed them to the crowd. There was a couple around my parents’ age in the crowd, unsure of what to do. I didn’t know who they were although we were supposed to be relatives of some sort. “Dance uncle, show aunt your boot-ay!” I cried as I danced with them.

I saw mom and Tony dancing too, everybody around me were letting their hair down for a change. I went straight for my cousins, now dancing like a maniac in a circle. Jackets gone, shirts tuck out, hair out of place. This is us.

Yes, the pain will never go away tomorrow. The regrets, the yearning, the lost, they would still be there when I wake up every single day. I’ll still be haunted by this illness for as long as I live. But I am also looking forward for the good days. To fall in love. To have a family. To have someone who will accept me for who I am. To be somebody. Most importantly, to appreciate life, like right now. Right now is good times.

Def Leppard kept rocking out the dance floor. Pour some sugar on me is a classic.