What brought me here today? Well isn’t that a loaded question…I guess you want a long story huh?

~ The Hardest Goodbye ~

I twiddled my thumbs waiting outside my loaded car for my brother to hurry up and get out of the house so I could start my journey…my new life. I think part of him was procrastinating because he didn’t want to see me go. I think part of me felt the same way. Let’s face it nothing in life is more terrifying than leaving what you know for what you don’t.

I must have reconsidered my college choice about a thousand times before finally giving my room deposit in. Then there was no turning back.

I walked over to the driver’s side of the car and leaned in, firmly pressing the horn letting Howie know my patience was waning. It worked when about three minutes later he came running out of the door chasing his one arm into the jacket he was carrying.

“Didn’t know you were in such a bloody rush to get out of here” He said tossing me the keys and getting into the passenger seat. “Wow! I actually get to drive?”

“It’s about a six hour hike so we’ll take shifts. You get the first one”

I reached over to him and ruffled his hair, “Aww thanks…I love you maan!” He laughed batting my hand away from his head, “Yeah yeah yeah, let’s get this show on the road college boy”

I looked at my house, the one I had lived in my whole life and loved, feared, hated and desperately found myself missing it in one quick second. That’s pretty much what this world did to me. The small world that up until now I only ever allowed myself to live in.

It wasn’t like I was dying or leaving forever, although in the Carter tradition either of those things were possible, but still as I drove slowly away, even doing a K turn so I’d have to pass it again, it certainly felt like it.

“Say goodbye to High street Nicky” Howie said leaning his head against the plush head rest preparing himself for the long ride.

“It’s not good bye but see ya later” I wasn’t ready for goodbye yet.

I had said goodbye a little too much this week. First to my father, admittedly the easiest goodbye of them all. I went to visit him at his home and about three cigarettes into our conversation he just blurted out, in a way that a younger me would have taken offense to, “So when were you planning on saying goodbye dumbass?” I shrugged at him which he thought was the damned funniest thing he had ever seen. Probably helped along by his meds I’m sure.

I stayed for about another half hour then got up to leave, “I guess now’s the time for that goodbye” I got up and walked over to him squatting down to give him a hug. One that I was surprised he returned. “Keep in touch, don’t forget to send me money from time to time” He pat me on the back.

My year in therapy and occasional visits during the summer to Shelby’s office, made me read between the lines. I love you son have a great time and think of me while you’re gone.

The second goodbye came on the roof of Brent’s house. He left for college two days before me, and if I was scared he was downright terrified. Mark and I had a secret bet going that he was gonna chicken out and decide that maybe college wasn’t for him. I said I’d give him about a week. Mark gave him a day. Of course he proved us both wrong and that night on his roof we ended up giving him a ten. He took it without even asking why. I love that guy, just thinking about him makes me smile.

I hung around a little longer than Mark, lying on the roof right outside of Brent’s room, like we always did when we were kids. Brent was drinking a wine cooler he stole from his Mom’s secret stash. “You know the guys are gonna laugh at you if you go into FSU drinking wine coolers”

“Oh don’t you worry, I’ll be drinking them all under the table in no time” scary thing was he was probably right.

We laid there in silence as he occasionally slurped his drink. The moon was particularly bright and had a reddish tint to it. “A bloody moon”

“Huh?” I looked over at him, “It’s a bloody moon tonight. A little creepy”

“Hey Kaos, just think this is probably the last time we’ll ever do this you know…you and I hang out like just two stupid kids” I was trying everything in my power to NOT think of that even though ever since I had gotten there that was all that ran through my mind.

“We’ll do this again”

“No we won’t. Stop kidding yourself. I’m going to Florida, you’re going to Boston. Things are gonna be different forever”

“No they won’t” Now I was lying to him. Maybe if I lied to him I wouldn’t believe it myself.

“Promise me something though Kaos….” I looked over at him and he had the most serious expression I have ever seen Brent wear. “Okay what is it?”

“Promise me that no matter what happens, how far away we live from each other that we will still be buds. You’re my best friend Nick, it’s gonna be weird not hanging with you”

“I promise man. I’ll only always be just a phone call away” He grabbed my hand and shook it.

“I say we try to pee off the roof and see if we can hit my Mom’s rose bushes” I laughed, so much for the sappy conversation. He left the next morning, I went and saw him off, I’m sure the facial expression he wore on his face is identical to the one I was wearing now.

After Brent left, Mark and I went out to lunch. He wasn’t leaving for another week. Lucky him, so he seemed completely calm. We had a good time and said our goodbye’s promising to keep in touch, but knowing we probably wouldn’t.

Saying goodbye to Kevin and Brian was no sweat really, because they already lived so far away. Last night I talked to both of them, Brian telling me to not take candy from strangers and stay away from mystery meetings where they offered college kids food. Kevin on the other hand totally stressed me out. He listed off about thirty things I shouldn’t do alone in Boston. He felt like since he went to college up there he was the expert.

He actually told me not to join a cult!! Oh okay Kevin, because you know I did have that on my to do list after selling drugs to babies and mugging old people.

“What are you laughing at? Are you hallucinating, do I need to drive?” I looked over at Howie not realizing I had laughed out loud.

“Nah, just thinking about Kevin…you know he told me not to join a cult”

“You weren’t thinking about it where you? Joining a cult I mean?” You had to love Howie’s attempts at humor.

“I’m kind of hungry want to find a place to stop and eat?” I asked him. We had been driving for about two hours and my legs were starting to tingle. I needed to get out and stretch, maybe get some Sour patch kids or something. Sugar was a must at the moment. The time seemed to fly by during the car ride, probably because my memories made the white lines on the road turn into picture frames, each holding a scene from my life. I couldn’t help but think about what pictures were awaiting me at college. All the new memories I would frame in my mind. We decided on a McDonald’s which happily was only one exit away. Somewhere in Connecticut. I laughed when I saw lobster on the menu. It was a lobster roll but of course I had to get it.

“So what are your thoughts?” Howie asked me nursing on his vanilla shake.

“I’m not really doing much thinking, I’m sure there will be a lot of that happening once I get there”

“So you’re shutting your brain off until then?”

“Completely”

That reminded me of AJ and Sarah, saying goodbye to them had been a little harder then the other guys mostly because they were living there in the moment with me. They both had come and gone over the summer after graduation. In fact shortly after I read my commencement speech and was greeted with tears and cheers from my family, Sarah made the announcement that she was pregnant.

Kind of caught us off guard but this time in a happy way.

So the summer became a time of new beginnings and growing up for my very child like brother. This was the guy that still didn’t know if he wanted to be an astronaut or a ninja when he grew up. He was going to be someone’s father and it didn’t scare anyone worse then AJ.

They started house hunting the day after the announcement and moved into a nice pad in Montclair New Jersey shortly after that. Turned out that Sarah knew someone who knew someone who owned a nice small house. They got a great deal on it in a rent to own capacity. They toyed with the idea of actually taking over the house on High but they figured the kid would be destined for failure if they did that.

So in July they left for Jersey, which was only about an hour away. Not too far but not as close as before either.

They still ventured up almost every single weekend to see us. I think they were afraid of leaving Howie alone, maybe in their heads they pictured Mel.

They came up three days ago. AJ took me out on the town and Bethlehem being such a hotbed of excitement we ended up at Jillian’s for a game of pool. Sarah decided to stay home and play cards with Howie.

He beat me three out of four games we played, I think he let me win the last one out of pure sympathy. “You know it’s going to be weird having you out of the house Nick”

“You aren’t even at the house anymore what are you talking about?” I asked him while putting the balls in the triangle.

“Doesn’t matter. You were a constant at that place. The little brother that kept us glued to one spot. Now that you’ll be gone there’s nothing keeping us in Bethlehem anymore”

“What about your father?” I was rolling my hands along the billiards making them clank together.

“Oh please, besides he’s not there anymore either”

“Howie will still be there” This conversation was depressing me. I know he didn’t mean to make me feel guilty but that is exactly how I felt; guilty as sin.

“You’re right… D will never leave that place ever, unless Ricky asks him too”

“You think she will?” I had my own views of their relationship but I was curious to see what AJ thought.

“No” Turns out he thought the same way as I did.

The conversation was dropped until we ended up sitting in the car right out front of the house. The porch light left on for us, just like always.

“Do you think it’s wrong of me to go away and leave him here alone?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer to that one. But I still had to ask, just in case.

“No way kiddo; Howie is a big boy. He’ll do fine but he’ll miss you!”

“Will you miss me?” I looked at him with a pouty face which he grabbed in his hands, “How can I not miss this wittle face?”

The next morning he and Sarah left but not before handing me the friggin biggest trunk I have ever seen. It was filled to the rim with what they called college essentials. Ramen noodles, a hot pot, lot’s of dry cereals and cup of soups. Peanut butter and jelly and of course at the very bottom, a box of condoms.

“Always be prepared, that’s my motto” He said walking over and rubbing Sarah’s belly. “Cause see what happens when you aren’t?” She stage slapped him.

The next day I ventured over to my therapists office just to say a good bye. Even though I had stopped the regular office visits, I liked to think of her as a friend. Maybe that wasn’t healthy but she didn’t seem to mind.

She hugged me and wished me luck. Her receptionist gave me a pen. “That’s to keep in touch” She said.

Just when I thought I had said my final goodbye of course I was called to my sister’s tree. I just didn’t feel right leaving without saying goodbye to her. So I woke up extra early in the morning and drove down there.

I sat under the tree the dew making my butt wet, but I didn’t care. “Mel, this is it baby…I’m leaving. Just like you told me too”

I could see her smiling down at me from wherever it was that God put lost siblings. I liked to picture her sitting on my shoulder, well except when I planned on using those condoms of course. Then she could go visit Howie.

It was odd but I thought saying good bye to her would be hard but it wasn’t. Nowadays it just seemed natural. And according to all the self help books I read this summer, that was a good thing.

Yes I had taken to reading those self help things. Everything from On Death and Dying to Why Bad Things Happen To Good People. They comforted me for some reason, gave me inspiration to write. Which I did all summer long.

I must have conjured up hundreds of characters and placed them in hundreds of stories. Sometimes sitting in my room all night long typing away not even noticing night turning to day.

“Looks like we are almost there” I looked over to Howie who seemed to be squinting at a sign. It read Freshman check in with an arrow pointing westward. The line of cars was as long as a line you would see entering the Lincoln Tunnel. I couldn’t believe we were actually here. It all seemed like a dream to me.

There were men in bright orange vests directing cars on which way to go, they looked like elementary school crossing guards all grown up. When it was our turn Howie mentioned the name of my dorm “Hess Hall” In which the guard motioned for him to make a left and go down a huge hill.

I was really happy to be out of the car. I stretched my arms and rested them on the top of the car while Howie did the same. “Look at all the stuff these people brought” I said looking on in amazement at the tubs of things people were lugging around. I looked into our car and the tiny TV and three suit cases I brought and suddenly felt embarrassed. Compared to these people I was Maria Von Trapp, possibly looking like I had just escaped from somewhere with only the clothes on my back.

Then there were the caravans of people. The Moms and dads all hugging their kids. Helping them with everything. I didn’t think that would bother me, Howie read it in my face, “It’ll be okay Nicky, maybe we are just seeing all the rich kids”

“Yeah maybe”

He walked over and pat me on the back, that’s when I realized what was coming was gonna be the worst. Saying goodbye to Howie was by far going to be the hardest goodbye of them all.

We managed to get all of my stuff up in one trip borrowing a dolly from an RA. The room was a nice size. Only two beds; one of which already had stuff all over it. They took the top bunk so I put my stuff on the bottom one.

The kid who would be my room mate and eventual best friend, brought a lot of stuff with him. On his desk which of course he took the one closest to the window, there was a brand new computer with a flat screen. A huge 24 inch TV on a dresser brimming with tons of pictures from home.

Did I even bring any pictures from home?

I felt a hand on my shoulder, “Nicky it’s going to be okay, I promise” I turned towards Howie and smiled at him, “I know”

“No you don’t, not yet…but I promise you will”

“I’m gonna miss you D” I said grabbing him into a hug. I think it took him by surprise, “I’ll miss you too kiddo” He said chocked up, “If you need me for anything I’ll always be one phone call away. It only take six hours to get here”

“Three if you let AJ drive” I kidded. He ruffled my hair, “Exactly and one if I tell Kevin you joined a cult”

I walked him down to the car, he was only allowed to stay there for an hour before they towed and ticketed him. “You want to stay?” I asked him almost out of desperation.

“Of course I do Boo but if I stay now I might never leave. Go and have a great time! Besides I’ll be back in two weeks for the parent’s night!”

“Howie, I love you” I said opening the car door for him.

“I know, same to you” He said winking at me. “It’ll be okay Boo. I promise”

I watched as he drove away wanting to cry but yet suddenly feeling so free.

So where do I begin exactly? How long ago would you like me to start this? How about college, you know. The place where we first met…

~ Strange Bedfellows ~

After I left the parking lot, which took a lot longer than I had intended; just standing there staring at the place where my brother had just been with his car, hoping that maybe at any minute he would double back and take me out of this place, I finally decided to turn around and head back to my new home.

It was odd referring to anyplace but the house I grew up in, as home. With the exception of a few days at one brother’s or a night over at a friend’s, that house was the only home I knew.

I was going to be at this place for the next four years, if I was successful. Which I had hoped I would be. I’m sure everyone got that sick feeling in their stomachs when the time came to leave home. Maybe it was just the lobster roll acting up. Served me right for trying lobster at a McDonald’s. What was I thinking?

The campus was just a big series of hills, my dorm being at the bottom of the biggest one of all. I could just tell what a bitch it was going to be in the winter when snow and ice would make this thing one big skating rink. Maybe I would finally get a nice firm butt out of this though.

People were still coming in an endless mess of unpacked cars and crying mothers. I had to dodge at least three carts full of things on the way to the elevators. I almost decided to take the stairs but I had no clue how to get to my room from the stairs, in fact I had no clue how to find the stairs.

I rode in the middle of the biggest family I have ever seen. They reminded me of the Hoo’s from the Grinch story. There were about ten of them, one smaller then the next. The smallest one in pig tails with big blue eyes staring up at me. I bet her name was Sally but they got off the elevator before I had time to ask.

I trudged down the long hallway passing by rooms filled with laughter and music. The upper classmen I thought and I couldn’t help sighing, like high school all over again. How I hated going into the new school and being the lowest on the totem pole. My freshmen year in high school I remember being terrified of the seniors because one pushed me up against the lockers my first day of school, I probably got in his way or something but it was enough to keep me pale when they came anywhere near me.

AJ threatened to go to school and beat the crap out of anybody that needed an ass kicking but then he also said that from some obscure village he was staying in at the time. Those were his roaming years.

I finally came to my room which was right next door to one of the loudest rooms I had passed thus far. They had Dave Matthews blaring in the background. “So typical” I muttered under my breath finding my key and letting myself into my new home.

My roommate still wasn’t home, everything left where it had been when I walked Howie to the car. I looked around trying to sum up what this mystery guy was going to be like. So far all I had was his name. The guy I was supposed to room with originally and got to know over the summer via telephone calls had decided at the last minute to go somewhere else, so I was going into this blind. “Couldn’t be any worse then what I came from though” I said walking over to his desk and looking at the pictures he had planted there.

There was one of a beautiful girl in a cheerleader outfit. My guess was it was a girlfriend. Next to that one was a family portrait of four people. A blonde woman who looked to be about 50, a man standing to her left with his hand on her shoulder and a guy who was most likely my roommate standing next to him. A girl rounded out the picture. They looked so nuclear.

I picked the picture up to try to examine this guy, I think his name was Kenny if I remember correctly. He was blonde and wore glasses. It seemed like maybe we were about the same height but he had a lot more muscle then I did.

Moving away from his desk where he also had the big computer, I moved towards the bathroom. I was lucky because my room was a smaller corner room, I only had to endure one roommate while most of the guys had two. I also had the luxury of having a private bathroom. This whole floor had them. Very rare I guess but judging by how small it was, I could see that it wasn’t going to be that good of a deal. It was about the size of a closet with a standing shower and pink tiles. It had a mildewy smell that would have sent Leighanne running for cleaning supplies.

I pulled back the generic white shower curtain to see more pink tiles and some off colored mold around the drain. “Eww” I said quickly closing the curtain and moving out of there.

We had only one window in the room located on the opposite wall of the door. Since we were on the fourth floor, there was a landing outside of our window which looked out into the courtyard. I walked over and opened it up letting in some fresh Boston air. Then I decided to plop on my bed. The most uncomfortable thing I have ever laid on in my life. It swished like plastic. I stared at one of the few bags I had brought in, which contained my bed stuff and decided to go ahead and make my bed.

Once that was done I sat there on the bottom bunk just staring across at my barren desk. I had so little, I could just see this guy come in with his nuclear family and size me up. Perfect mom would take him aside and whisper in his ear, “Honey that boy seems like a loser so hide all your valuables”

I closed my eyes then and heard Shelby’s voice in my ear; scolding me for such negative thinking. “Thinking like that will have you on your way home within a week Nick Carter! Stop being a victim and own yourself”

I rolled my eyes at my internal voice and just as I did in walked my new roommate.

Now you know the moment when you meet someone for the first time, especially someone you know you will be spending a lot of time with? How important it is to try to get a good first impression of each other? I had really felt like I had figured out the kind of guy this Kenny person was going to be with his perfect nuclear family and everything he could ever want taking up my dorm room. That’s why I was so surprised when I was greeted with a guy, obviously the one in the picture, wearing a purple short jacket and jeans. That was normal enough but he was also wearing a pair of cat ears and a black clown nose. I am not kidding! I didn’t know exactly what to say to that so I just sat there with my mouth wide open.

“Hey” He said walking in and shutting the door looking both ways in the hallway first as if he was trying to hide after killing someone.

He stared at me which made me realize I hadn’t said anything back, I was still just staring at him with my mouth open, “Hey” I finally responded.

“Name’s Kenny” He said extending his hand to me as he briskly walked over.

“I’m Nick” He nodded and sat down next to me, starting to ramble on about something.

I wish I could have focused on what he was saying but all I kept thinking about was the ears and nose. He knocked on my head so I turned towards him, “Huh?” I said.

“I said when did you get here?” He laughed at me.

“Oh…um…just a little bit ago”

“I got here yesterday! The parental units finally left today thank GOD!” He said lying down on my bed. “Are yours still here?”

I didn’t feel the need to go into the whole my mom’s dead and my dad’s crazy thing just yet so I just nodded.

“You don’t talk much huh Nick?”

“Sorry I’m just tired I guess. Long day” He sat up and pat my back, “Yeah don’t I know it man…a long ass day definitely” He started surveying the room much the same way I had done, only difference is I was sitting right there as he did it. I could tell he was looking for my computer and my nice TV, both of which I didn’t own.

“You like Chinese food?” He asked randomly.

“Kind of yes, I love egg rolls”

“I do too man they are the best damn things in the world. I can tell this is totally going to kick ass rooming with you”

I wasn’t sure how my liking egg rolls fit into our relationship but I just nodded. “Um…Kenny”

“Yeah man?”

“Um…what’s with the…” I didn’t say it but instead pointed to his head. He moved his hands up to his head and started to laugh hysterically, “Aww man you must think I’m a crazy ass huh?”

“Nah I’m just a little curious”

He took off the ears and the nose, “Okay well I like to video tape things man and my alter ego is a cat named Periwinkle”

“Oh okay, well that’s interesting”

“Yeah thanks man, I love doing shit like that. Dressing up and acting, hey maybe you can be in one of my movies sometime”

“That would be awesome” I laughed, I don’t know what it was about this guy, he had to be the oddest one I had ever met but there was something about him that I liked. “So you were filming then?”

“No” That cracked me up for some reason, and I went into a fit of laughter, I couldn’t stop myself. It was embarrassing, he was just staring at me but then he started up too and that’s how my roommate and I became friends. Laughing about his cat ears and stupid black nose.

That night over Chinese food we really got to talking. He said he knew the best place in china town to go get some egg rolls so while I was putting my stuff away he went to get them. He came back with a dozen of them and a 2 liter of Coke.

While eating he told me he was from Michigan and never thought he’d get into college. He was an underachiever in every sense of the word almost not even getting his high school diploma. He had just graduated from a junior college and now he found himself here two years later at the age of 20. And old freshman he called himself. I kind of sat back and listened to him not offering much about me, while he told me of his neurotic mother who yelled and screamed at everyone and his father who made a habit of cheating on his mom every chance he got.

His younger sister who was only a year younger then him was already pregnant with a child of a guy who was now in prison. At best they all had, to quote him, a “love/hate relationship. They loved to hate each other”

I think it’s pretty funny that I thought he came from a nuclear family. I guess it just goes to show you, you can’t always judge a book by it’s cover.

During a lull in the conversation, he asked, “So you got a girlfriend?”

“Not really, I was seeing this girl in high school but we kind of stopped before we came up here” Kelly was also up in Boston at a neighboring college; Northeastern. I couldn’t wait to go track her down but she wasn’t due up here until the next week.

Our relationship had taken so many turns I wasn’t sure which way was up. Of course after I had gotten so seriously sick last year, our flame was briefly rekindled but never fully back to where it was. You can say I developed trust issues with her.

Being in the same city would be good though, like an ally. I needed one of those.

“Is that your girlfriend?” I asked pointing over to the cheerleader on his desk.

“Oh her? NAH! I mean I just want people to think I date a cheerleader, she came with the frame” I looked over to him waiting for him to bust out laughing but he only winked at me, which once again had me going.

“Boy you’re a happy little guy aren’t you?” He asked, I could tell he was going to make it a mission of his to make me chuckle as much as possible. If he only knew.

That’s when it dawned on me that I hadn’t laughed that much probably in the whole entire year preceding this one. Maybe this would be a good start.

My phone started ringing just as my giggles subsided. Kenny ran to get the phone before I could grab it, “Hello Pizza Hut how may I help you?” I started laughing again, “Nick? Oh yeah I have him tied up in the bathroom hang on I’ll get him then he gave me thee phone, “It’s for you”

I was still laughing as I answered, “Hello?”

“Who the hell was that?” I about died when I heard Kevin on the other end. I started laughing again.

“Nick? Are you on something?”

“No…sorry I’m a little slap happy”

He laughed, “Yeah I can hear that. So who was that?”

I so desperately wanted to say his name was Sven from the cult down the road but I decided to resist the temptation.

“His name is Kenny and he’s my roommate”

“Oh…well you should tell him not to answer the phone like that I almost hung up”

I rolled my eyes at him, Kevin the eternal party pooper. “I will”

“Good, so you all moved in?”

“Yeah pretty much”

“How are you doing? I mean you sound totally fine but are you doing okay?”

“Yeah…I’m okay” Just hearing the question made me suddenly long for home. Not so much home but them. Suddenly they felt so far away from me.

“Well you know if there’s anything you need”

“Yeah…I know and thanks”

“Sure no problem…so is your roommate a good guy?”

“Yeah he is” I found myself looking over at Kenny who had just come out of the bathroom with a glass of water.

“He’s got his head in the right place?” I watched as he put his brand new college ID into the cup of water and then placed it in the freezer of his dorm fridge.

“Nick? Are you there?”

“Uh yeah sorry, he’s kind of got his head in the freezer right now though” I said once again cracking up.

“Nickolas Gene you aren’t making any sense at all, are you sure you aren’t on drugs?”

“Kevin can I call you later? I’m kind of trying to get used to things here”

He paused and I could tell I kind of hurt his feelings, “Sure that’s okay I was just making sure the move went well. I’m glad you are having fun”

“Thanks for calling Kev. I appreciate it”

“I love you” He said but with Kenny standing there I just said, “Yeah me too”

When we hung up he was busying himself with something else, looked like he was writing a letter, “Why did you put your ID in the freezer?”

“Oh because I want to see the security guards faces when they ask for my ID and I hold up a frozen glass”

“Oh” I mean what else does one say to that?

I laid on the bed and smiled, this was going to be quite the experience and I feel asleep thinking that.

I have to admit in a lot of ways you grew me up. Before you came along I was just a child…

~ The Christening of Eva ~

I really should have realized that things would not go as planned where Kelly was concerned. I mean the girl was unpredictable at best but I guess when it comes to women I am a slow learner, so I was an unsuspecting fool when Kelly suddenly called me up about two days after she arrived in Boston.

We talked for about an hour on the phone, laughing and talking about the good old days. She finally suggested we meet at a coffee house in Harvard Square. Her parents had just left and she was feeling lonely.

After getting detailed directions from Kenny, who seemed to have a natural ability to find his way around, I was off to meet my ex girlfriend.

When I stepped out of the T and out into the cold Cambridge air, I was struck with wonder just looking around. You read so many things about Harvard and what a prestigious place it is, that when you get off the subway and start walking around close to the actual campus, it becomes almost like a scene in a movie. There are some weird ass people who go to Harvard. Guys wearing Mohawks and pierced noses and lips. Not at all typical of what you would think you might see. Of course they most likely didn’t attend the actual university but who knows?

I walked around the long sidewalks stopping in front of the place that would later become my second home in Boston, The Harvard Bookstore, and couldn’t believe at how massive it was. I almost walked in but then I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the place where the two of us were supposed to meet. I crossed the street and waited for her in the café.

I propped myself up on a corner stool and ordered an iced cappuccino looking out the window and watching for her curly blonde hair to pass me by. Maybe this would be the place we would fall back in love with each other. Not that I was ever in love with her in the first place, but how cool of a story would that be? A couple of high school sweet hearts go to neighboring colleges and eventually fall in love and get married. Of course the author in me was always looking for a good story book ending.

She arrived ten minutes late. Right on time in Kelly minutes. I waved her over and she walked by; bags from a local gift shop in hand. “Hey you!” She said walking over and giving me a hug. I felt tingly, like she always made me feel.

“Kel, how are you? I mean you look fantastic” She placed her bags at her side and smiled at me.

“Thanks Nicky”

“Do you like it here so far?” She shrugged and looked down at the table. Suddenly a huge doubt flew over my head.

“It’s alright I guess” Her gaze shifted to the bag she was carrying, I couldn’t help but wonder if she had bought something for me. I was always the five year old at Christmas time when I thought there was a gift around that needed opening.

“Is everything alright Kel?” Once again her gaze shifted down towards the bag and I became uneasy. “What is it?”

“Can I tell you something? I mean promise me you won’t be mad”

Promise her I won’t be mad? Uh oh…

“Sure I promise, what is it?”

“I haven’t totally been honest with you” Those are not the words you generally want to hear from people.

“Okay….about what?” now I found myself looking anywhere but at her. She was making me that uncomfortable.

“Okay…how do I say this without you making a huge scene?”

“Kel…I won’t make a scene I mean we aren’t even a couple anymore and…”

“Nick, I’m gay” time just stopped for a few minutes. Even the crowd hushed, maybe they were all listening.

“Excuse me?” I looked into her beautiful blue eyes that were now tinged with tears, “I’m sorry. I have been a lesbian for a long time now”

“How long?”

“Since 9th grade” Okay right there I knew she was lying because we had been together since the end of 9th grade and then on and off for our high school life. Why was she doing this?

“Kelly what are you trying to prove?” I jumped off my stool and was ready to leave when she grabbed my arm, “Nicky wait…please!”

Maybe it was the desperate tone in her voice but I turned back towards her and once again climbed onto the stool. Once I settled in for what I could only imagine as a very long story she finally started, once again diverting her gaze from me to the table.

“I never meant to deceive you Nicky. I loved you, I really did but I loved Lisa more”

“Lisa? Lisa who?”

“Miller” Oh my God. That was her best friend in school. From grammar school straight to high school, the two were inseparable. They were currently college room…

“You guys are a couple?” I asked realizing of course they were and feeling totally stupid for not seeing the signs sooner. She nodded.

“Is that why she decided to come up here for college too?” Again Kelly nodded. I had actually forgotten that Lisa was rooming with Kelly. I never really had the desire to talk to that girl. She always reminded me of a mouse, always lurking in a small corner and watching my every move. Now I knew why; she was seizing up her competition.

“My Mom caught us kissing the day she left” That definitely was not a good thing. Kelly’s parents were ultra conservative. Her Mom a devote catholic and her father devoted to her mother. “She was so mad Nicky, I didn’t know what else to do”

“What did you do?”

“I told her that we were just playing around and that you and I were in a very serious relationship” Now I was figuring it all out. I had a role in this new drama; the sympathetic boyfriend.

“Did she believe you?”

“I think so…yes but just in case, I thought you should know”

“Were you ever going to tell me? I mean if your Mom hadn’t caught you?”

“Probably not”

“Nice” I was pissed, but had every right to be. Here was girl I had pledged my allegiance too. The one I thought would take me out of childhood and make me a man.

Truth was, as of right then, I was very much a virgin. An eighteen year old virgin and it completely bothered me. All of my friends has assumed that Kelly and I had had sex by now and I guess I did the typical guy thing by never setting them straight.

Now it made sense that whenever I made an advance on her, no matter how heated the moment she always said she wasn’t ready. That’s because I didn’t have a vagina. Nice…

On my way back from the café, I was still in a state of disbelief. I dated a lesbian for four years on and off and didn’t even realize it.

When I got back to my room, I was hoping for some peace and quiet. I needed to be alone to digest the information I had just received but lo and behold there were about four guys in my room, sitting on my bed and drinking.

Kenny very quickly became a favorite of the other guys on the floor. It was his quirky personality coupled with his partying ways. It was kind of cool for me because I became popular by association but at the same time, our room became the party room.

“Hey Nicky! Settle a bet that I have with Seth over here” Seth was that next door neighbor that was blaring Dave Matthews on my first day here almost two weeks ago.

“What bet is that?”

“Seth seems to think he can burp the whole alphabet faster then I can”

I laughed, “Maybe he can”

To which Seth chugged his beer and saluted me, “See? The kid knows what he’s talking about!” Seth was an upperclassman. He was a senior who never had the desire to join a frat or get an apartment. I don’t think he even had the desire to graduate to be honest. All Seth seemed to enjoy was drinking and partying.

When he came in with his friends from down the hall, Hairy Mike and Dave, I don’t know why he was called hairy Mike and I kind of never wanted to find out, anyway when they came over they would hang in the room and never leave, talking and drinking until they were so out of it they would collapse in our room most of the time using my bed and I would be stuck sleeping on the floor.

“Hey Nick why don’t you sit down and have a beer with us. Come on you never drink” Kenny pulled me down next to him and handed me a beer. “you okay?” He asked, I guess able to see through my mask.

“I guess I could use a beer” I popped it open and took a chug. I was never much of a drinker, not saying I hadn’t tried much but beer wasn’t really something I enjoyed. I saw what alcohol could do to someone watching my father drink on his lonely nights and it never really interested me much. It felt good going down today especially reliving the conversation I had with Kelly.

Three hours and a six pack later, I was drunk as a skunk. Where did they come up with that expression I wonder? How many drunk skunks have ever confessed to having a lesbian girlfriend?

“Dude…did you just say your girlfriend is a lesbian?” Oops! I guess I did.

“She told me today” Kenny put a loving hand on my shoulder, “Kelly is a lesbo? Tough break Nick. I know you really liked her”

The others were silent and smirking. I couldn’t believe I told them all that; damn you alcohol. Damn you!

“Yeah I did, but ah well”

“She was just a stupid butter piggy anyway” Kenny said taking another chug of his beer.

“A what?” I asked in a half laugh.

“A butter piggy. You know I picture her as a big butter piggy” I’m sure it made sense to him but I was confused, but also drunk so I just agreed. “Yeah a butter piggy!”

“You better get yourself tested for HIV kid” Seth said suddenly turning all big brother on me.

“I never had sex with her” Again why in the world was I telling them that. It got even better though, “I actually haven’t ever had sex with anyone! I am a friggin virgin!” Once again, just like in the coffee house, there was a silence and I felt like a complete idiot.

“Aww Nick, that is so sad” I wasn’t really sure who said that, at that point I refused to look up anymore. My stomach started doing flip flops and I thought I was going to throw up right there on my roomies shoes. I got up and ran into the bathroom and got to the toilet just in time.

“You okay in there?” I think it was Kenny, he opened the door but I pushed it closed, “Yeah I’m okay”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just not used to drinking so much” I spewed again as I heard them all laughing at me in the room.

I can’t even tell you how long I stayed in the bathroom. Long after I was done getting sick I sat in there just staring at the wall feeling like a complete loser as I heard their muffled voices gradually fading away until it was just Kenny snoring in the room.

I had the urge to call home then, finally stealing some peace and quiet. I crawled out of the bathroom, literally crawled; because my balance was still off and called Brian. He would make things better. He always did.

“Hello” My brother’s groggy voice alarmed me. I didn’t even bother to look at the clock before I called.

“Brian?”

“Nick? What is wrong?” That’s when I heard the baby start to cry in the background and heard his annoyed wife say, “What does he want at this time of night?”

Only then did I look at the clock already knowing it would not be a good thing. Sure enough it was three o’clock in the morning.

“Nick answer me. What’s wrong?”

“Oh…nothing I was just calling because I was…”

“Nick it’s really late”

“I know…well actually I didn’t know but now I do” He paused to whisper something to Leighanne who was obviously disgusted with me, but then again what else was new?

“Nicky…have you been drinking? You sound drunk” Why did every conversation I had with one of my brothers end up with them asking me if I was drunk or on drugs?

“Well kind of yeah but that’s not why I called”

“Should you be drinking with that ulcer of yours?”

“Brian I just called because I miss you”

“Nick I have a feeling you just called because you are drunk, now do me a favor and get off the phone and go to bed”

“Don’t you miss me?”

“Shhh Baylee it’s okay go to sleep” He started humming to his son.

“Bri?”

“Nick…I need to go okay? You really should get off the phone and go to sleep!”

“Do you miss me Brian?”

“Yes bonehead I miss you now go to bed!” And I guess I did because when I woke up the next morning I was sleeping in a fetal position on the floor with the phone still in my hand.

I sat up with the worst case of cotton mouth ever and a huge headache to match. Everything was foggy to me, especially that conversation that I would grow to never live down. It came up at every gathering we ever had, “Hey Nick you remember the time you called me really early in the morning drunk off your ass and told me you missed me?”

I stood up ready to go into the bathroom to brush my teeth before going to bed for real this time when something in my own bed caught my eye.

“What the hell is that?” I asked my still sleeping roommate loud enough that he stirred and opened his eyes.

“Oh good you’re awake for a while there we were afraid you had died in the bathroom” He sat up and stretched. I pointed at my bed, “What is that?”

He jumped down and ruffled my hair. Why did everyone always do that? “That my friend is Eva” He said pulling the blankets off of a big inflatable doll.

“Eva?”

“Yes…Eva. We felt so bad for you and your situation that we decided to let you borrow her”

“Huh?” I was confused. Kenny always made me baffled.

“You know…the virginity issue” Oh my God

“Borrow her?”

“Yeah she is yours until that little problem is fixed”

“Uh…thanks I don’t know what to say except….no thanks” He laughed and picked up the doll, “Are you dissing Eva? What did she ever do to you?” Kenny was now holding the doll up by her breasts.

“Nothing and I’d like to keep it that way thanks” He pretended to cry and then flung her up to his bunk, “Okay have it your way kid but then once I christen her she’ll be spoken for”

I shook my head at him and walked into the bathroom as he said, “Have it your way then, but I suggest you don’t come out of there right away” And believe me I didn’t!

Playing games and telling lies to the people around me…

~ Sunny Boy ~

I made a conscious decision once I left home and opened a door to my new life, that I would omit certain details that might stand me apart from other college freshmen. For instance when Kenny talked about home, usually complaining about a stupid argument he had with his Mom or how dumb his sister was for hooking up with a convict, I would just nod. When it came time for the questions to be reversed, instead of saying my sister was dead, I chose to just never have one. It was easier that way.

When one night sitting and eating pizza, Kenny said, “How come you never complain about your family?” I just shrugged and said, “There’s not much to complain about. My family’s great. I’m really lucky”

Since that day ironically enough, I ended up with the nickname of sunny boy! God I hated that. I still do; I so desperately wanted them to change it to Kaos, but they would have none of it. “Kaos is for a guy who is a mess and you my friend are as far away from a mess as possible”

I kind of liked living that lie. Nick Carter the sunny boy who had a perfect, no mess life. I started to make up fake family stories about singing carols and mandatory Sunday dinners and I even gave myself a curfew. The guys laughed about it but to me it was the beginning of my great novel. And my biggest deception.

College life suited me well. I found that by the time that Halloween rolled around I had totally felt like this was in fact my home. I had a group of friends, I enjoyed my classes and best yet no one new the real me.

Life was good.

In early November our college had a parents weekend. When suddenly the cafeteria would go from selling us crap to extremely good food complete with ice sculptures and the lobbies and the college halls were suddenly dusted and immaculate. I never thought about how parents day would effect the little story that was my life.

Howie had told me that he planned on coming up for parent’s day and I was so happy about it that I almost marked the days off my calendar. I missed him so much it was almost ridiculous. I missed his nagging, his three hour bathroom rituals and his silly little winks to me when passing in the kitchen or on the stairs.

The problem that was beginning to surface was why would he be coming and not my parents? The problem with my stories was they were so fun and convincing that everyone couldn’t wait to meet my imaginary parents. We were so close that it would seem insane if they were both no shows at parents day.

I decided to come up with an elaborate tale of a father who was called away on last minute business overseas. My father was an owner of his own business that caused him to be out of town a lot. My happy sunny one anyway. My Mom was just a happy housewife so her not showing up would be a little more difficult. Maybe Mom had to go and baby sit Kevin’s kids or something.

“I hope you have prepared yourself for the wrath of Linda” Kenny said walking in and throwing his backpack on the floor.

“Linda?” He nodded and sat down, “Yeah my Mom. She is coming by herself this weekend. She wants me to stay with her in a hotel”

I laughed at him, “I’m sure it won’t be that bad Kenny”

“Clearly you have no idea what you’re talking about sunny boy!” He placed his feet on his desk, “What about yours? Are they coming?”

I explained to him then that both parents were out of town and that my loving brother was going to make an appearance.

“Bummer man! I wanted to meet that dad of yours. He sounds like a trip!”

“Maybe next time” But I was thinking over my dead body!

Now besides my fake out there was also Kelly’s. With her college also having parent’s weekend we had to pretend we were a happy couple so that her Mom and dad would no longer suspect what was in essence true.

We were going to meet for dinner at Legal Seafoods after Kelly’s last class. We made sure we were there first way before either of them showed up. She came running into the restaurant looking like a million bucks. She was beautiful and her smile just melted me. “Sorry I’m late…take this” She said handing me a necklace.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“You are supposed to give it to me when my parents get here”

“Oh” I said taking it from her and placing it in my pocket.

Between the two of us we had mastered the great art of lying. We laughed and joked with her parents, all the while holding hands and even kissing a few times. The grand finale was me presenting her with the beautiful necklace I bought for her. By the end of the evening we were pretty sure that both of them were convinced of our fondness for each other which I admit wasn’t totally deceitful on my part.

We hugged on the way out and as Kelly pulled me close to her she whispered, “I owe you one for this Nick”

My walk home was filled with thoughts of home and school and how they had become vastly different from each other.

Probably the only thing I didn’t lie about in my first year of college was my grades and my love for the classes I was taking. The classes were pretty big but yet intimate. The professors really did a good job of trying to get to know all of us and I admit with some of the questions and one sided discussions we had I quickly became a favorite of my English literature teacher.

On the day of Howie’s visit that’s where I was sitting; listening to Karl prattle on about George Orwell. He made us call him Karl because he wanted his class to be as informal as possible.

Between listening to his lecture and staring at the clock, the last two hours before Howie were taking forever. Then coming from behind me I heard a small sniffle. “Bless you” I said by instinct.

Then about two minutes later it happened again. A sniffle then a blown nose but this time followed by the faintest hint of a whimper. I turned around, never much liking the sound of someone crying.

There was a girl sitting directly behind me with a tissue in her hand, eyes all puffy and writing away in her notebook.

“Are you okay?” I whispered trying to get her attention. She looked up and then quickly looked back down. “Yeah…I’ll be fine” She chocked out.

“Are you sure?” She nodded and then ignored me, so I turned around and went back to counting the minutes until the weekend.

After class I walked out into the brisk air taken by the gust of wind that came out of nowhere to find that same girl now sitting on a bench and crying. I have no idea why I felt compelled to find out what was going on with her, but I did. So once again I walked over and sat down next to her. “Hey…is everything alright?”

“I’m having a bad day” She looked over at me again and smiled. Her eyes were a brilliant green, accented I’m sure by the wetness behind them. “I’m sorry to hear that but at least it’s the weekend” I shrugged trying to pull something out of the air to make her happy.

“It’s all the same to me”

She reminded me of Melissa in a lot of ways. They had the same hair color, a darkish brown, a little longer than shoulder length and the same body type; chubby. I extended my hand to her, “I’m Nick”

She grabbed it and gently shook, “Amy” Her eyes shifted from my face and back down to the ground. I was making her uncomfortable.

“So Amy, you live in the dorms?”

“Yeah Macungie hall”

“Oh that’s the next dorm over from me” She smiled again, “Cool”

I stood up to leave realizing that Howie was probably going to be arriving within the hour, “It was nice meeting you, I guess I’ll see you around”

She nodded, “Nick…thanks”

“Thanks for what?”

“Seeing me….taking notice… just thanks” Those words hit home. I remember uttering them myself when I was younger. She sees me. That’s what I had said at Mel’s funeral.

“No problem” I found myself melancholy by the time I hit my room where Kenny’s mom was yelling.

“Sorry Mom” He said grabbing his clothes off the floor and dropping them into a basket.

“You can’t really expect to live in a pig sty like this!!” Once again he nervously gathered his mess and continued to clean, smiling at me when I walked in like I had just saved his life.

“Nick!!!” He said walking over and placing his hand on my shoulder, “Hey mom this is Nick. The one I was telling you about”

I was a little scared of her as she ran towards me but then she embraced me in a huge hug, “Nick!! It’s so wonderful to meet you! I see you keep your side of the room nice and neat. Hopefully Kennykins will be able to learn from you!”

I smiled and when her back was turned to me I mouthed Kennykins back to Kenny pouring some salt into his wounds I’m sure but it served him right, he did call me sunny boy!

“Darling we are going out for dinner, would you like to join us?” Kenny had a hopeful look on his face but I shook my head, “I’m sorry but my brother is due here any minute. Maybe next time though”

With a little more arguing the two finally left. Comic relief at it’s best. I was just about to lie down and turn on Kenny’s humongous television when a phone call from the front desk informed me I had a visitor.

I couldn’t believe how excited I was. I almost ran all the way down to greet him, when I finally reached the lobby there he was staring at a poster of some kind of bar show going on in Harvard Square.

He turned and smiled when he saw me. I quickly moved in for a hug, “Hey D!!”

“How’s it going Nicky?”

I grabbed his duffel bag and walked with him back to my room. With Kenny sharing a hotel room with his mom, I invited Howie to spend the weekend in my dorm room. I figured it would save him money and I truthfully didn’t want him to leave. Not yet anyway.

“How was your trip? Did you hit a lot of traffic?” I asked him as I threw his stuff on Kenny’s bed and took a seat by my desk.

“Hey! What if I had glass in that bag?” I rolled my eyes at him. Now this was the Howie I missed. I would never tell him that though.

“So kiddo what’s new? You look great by the way. College suits you well”

I stood up and modeled my green hooded sweatshirt and gray sweatpants for him; he laughed.

“So what do you wanna do first?” I asked kind of hoping he would just say let’s hang out in the room, order a pizza and talk.

“I’d love to meet your roommate. I was going to take him out to dinner with us”

“He just left with his mom”

“Ah well do you have anyone else that would want to come?”

Part of me really didn’t want to. I kind of liked keeping my brother to myself. I decided to go for it, probably because I didn’t want Howie thinking I had no friends. “Are you kidding me? None of these guys would pass up free food!” He laughed again, “Oh you are really bringing back some memories for me Nicky”

About an hour and three friends later we were on our way towards Fanueil Hall. Hairy Mike did most of the talking and we all kind of just laughed at his stories. Luckily Howie never asked about why he was called hairy Mike. Occasionally during dinner I would look over to see my brother staring at me, probably because during the meal my father’s business came up. As well as some of the fake stories I told the guys. I didn’t think of that, of how it would look to my brother. The lies I had told, the fake me.

Howie paid for everyone which made me feel proud as they hugged him and said thanks. Later that night as we sat in the room watching the David Letterman show he decided to bring some stuff up, “So I’m just curious kiddo…what’s with the fake parents?”

“um…Howie you DO know our real ones right?”

“Yeah I know but why such an elaborate story?”

“I don’t know…I guess I like feeling like the normal one for once”

He didn’t pursue it any farther, I think he understood. “The other thing I want to say…”

I looked towards him and he had that I’m gonna be a dad for a minute look on his face, “Yeah?’ I asked hesitantly.

“They mentioned you and drinking an awful lot” that’s true. They really did, but the thing is, after my first drunken display I really made sure when I did have a beer that it was only one. They made it seem like I was an alcoholic or something. I guess they figured it was my brother, how would they know there was more to his job then that?

“Howie they exaggerated a bit”

“Okay because you know with your ulcer you can’t be drinking that much”

“Howie I’m not dumb”

“I didn’t say you were, just be careful. I know how important it is for you to belong, don’t get sick okay? I’m too far away from you to worry”

“I usually have one beer”

“Well the night you called Rok…”

“I know, that was a little extreme” I interrupted. I knew Brian would call Howie and say something!

“Just be careful okay…sunny boy” He laughed when he said that. He was enjoying that new nickname of mine a little too much.

We talked a bit more about home. He never brought up dad which I was pleased with. He did talk about AJ and Sarah and made me laugh a few times talking about AJ and his anxiety about being a new dad. I almost spit up my milk, yes milk. When Howie is around I have to drink milk for my ulcer. Anyway, I almost spit on him when he told me what they were going to name the baby if it was a girl; Eva.

As the lights were turned off and all you could hear was the sound of drunken guys running the hallways screaming obscenities at each other, my brother turned on his side and threw me off guard, “You know…they’ll like you anyway”

“What?”

“Your friends will like you regardless of what your parents do are who they are”

“I know” but I really didn’t.

“Just don’t spend so much of your time being that sunny boy. Let them meet Nick”

“Maybe someday” I said as I closed my eyes doubting that would ever happen.

Not really sure if I was coming or going…



Coffee Talk


The next morning I was woken up by a semi grouchy Howie who decided after noon rolled around that the only way he was going to get me up was if he just outright jumped on my back.

I tried to ignore him at first while memories of my childhood flooded back to me. He always had the job of waking me up because no one else wanted to deal with my morning mood swings. Even Melissa who had the patience of a saint God bless her. Howie was in charge of waking me up for school and when I was younger that was a big job. This was usually the end result, him jumping on me threatening to tickle my neck if I didn’t open my eyes.

So now as he was jumping on me I tried my hardest to keep my eyes closed and not laugh but I couldn’t help it and within minutes I was a ball of laughter.

“Get up!!” He playfully said. I finally sat myself up. “Well hallelujah it’s about time!”

“What time is it?”

“It’s already noon” He said getting up and tying his sneakers. “you’re not going yet are you?” I actually sounded panicked which made him smile.

“No, but if you didn’t wake up I was going to leave, how did you sleep through all that noise anyway?”

By now I had my feet hanging off the bed and was rubbing at my eyes, something that I knew really bugged him. Howie had a thing about people putting their fingers in their eyes; what a weirdo.

“What are you talking about?”

“Tell me you didn’t hear all the noise last night? God they were at it all night long”

I shrugged, “I didn’t hear anything, I must be immune to it by now”

“I’ll say. I swear I think at one point they threw something out the window. It sounded like a pig or something” I laughed at him, “D, maybe you are just getting old”

I jumped off the bed and ducked his arm that was playfully swinging for my head, and headed towards the bathroom.

“You hungry?” He asked as I shut the door.

“A little”

“I’m starving” that surprised me, if it’s one thing that Howie didn’t do much of at all, it was eat. In fact he was so tiny I sometimes was sure he had anorexia or something. We Carter’s for the most part really liked our food.

As I was walking out of the bathroom I was temporarily shaken by the image of Kenny standing there shaking my brother’s hand while wearing a stupid clown nose. The look on Howie’s face was priceless, just like I’m sure mine was the first day.

“Hey Sunny boy! Just introducing myself to your brother”

“Howie this is Kenny…Kenny this is Howie” They both looked at each other like they were from outer space.

“We were about to go get some breakfast you wanna come?” I asked my roommate as I threw another hooded sweatshirt over my head.

“Well don’t shower on my account or anything” Howie kidded sitting back down on the bed.

“Nah that’s okay, I just pigged out with my mom, actually I ate she yelled it was a lovely”

“Is your mother still here?” He answered my question by pointing to his nose.

“Ah” I said, Howie seemed to be amused by us. He had a huge grin on his face.

“So I hope you don’t think I’m being rude or anything but the two of you look nothing a like”

Howie nodded, “I know we get that a lot”

“It’s kind of like one end…”He pointed at me “you have that dude from Home Improvement…the older guy”

“the dad?” I asked him.

“Yeah Nick, the dad” He said rolling his eyes at my brother. Laughing over my expense. “No the oldest brother, you look just like him dude. It’s kind of scary!”

“Okay…well what I think is scary is that you watch that show” I was quick to come back with which once again made my brother laugh. To me it looked like he was watching a sitcom unfold or something.

“Tell anyone and I’ll tell them you sleep with a teddy bear”

“Whatever go on…”

“Okay and you…” he said pointing to Howie, “Look like Prince”

We both busted out laughing about that.

“Anyway I’m sorry your parents didn’t get to come, I was really looking forward to meeting them” That brought a sideways glance from Howie as he answered for me, “Well, maybe next time”

We said our goodbyes and made our way out to Starbucks for breakfast. “I like your roommate, I think he’s going to be good for you”

“How so?” I asked blowing on my coffee.

“I just do”

I turned my head just as she walked by the window. The girl who was crying in class; Amy. She walked by very quickly with her head bowed down as if she was on her way to a good old fashioned beheading.

“Hello? Earth to Nick…come in Nick”

“Huh?” Howie laughed at me, “Nice to see you still have a talent for blocking me out”

“Sorry, just someone I know walked by”

I’m not sure what it was about her, but I found myself drawn to Amy. Maybe it’s that thing that lonely people have, like a little beacon that goes off that only other lonely people can see. Not that I was entirely lonely, I mean I was constantly surrounded by people but yet sometimes that was when I felt most alone.

“Was this one dressed normally or was he wearing a penguin suit or something?”

“It’s actually a she” He raised his eyebrows at me, “Aww Nicky don’t start with the girls already, you need to concentrate on your studies”

“Relax Howie, she’s just a friend”

I didn’t even know her but to me I felt like she was going to become a good friend. I called it the tingly butt sensation. Whenever I met someone who I felt connected to even remotely I would get a tingly sensation in my rear. With her the first moment I talked to her, I felt that.

“How’s Kelly anyway? You haven’t mentioned her at all this weekend”

I took another bite of my chocolate croissant while stalling for an answer; glad that I had warned all the guys I hung out with not to mention Kelly and her sexual preference to Howie.

“Um…she’s good. We don’t really talk that much”

“And you’re okay with that?” I nodded, “You have powdered sugar all over your face Nick. God you are a mess! I can’t take you anywhere” I laughed and wiped away the sugar noticing it was also all over my black hoodie.

“What about you and Ronnie? How’s that going?”

“Good…actually I wanted to tell you something” That made me look up, “Yeah?”

“I think I am selling the house Nick”

“What?” I didn’t mean to sound mad but he caught me off guard. “Well it’s not like I need that whole big house and now that you are gone…anyway it’s not definite just thinking about it”

“Did SHE put you up to it?” Now let me just say here that I didn’t hate Ronnie, I mean I did go through a little period after she cheated on my brother and sent his whole world into a tail spin that if I ever saw her again I had planned to spit on her, but now she seems to have genuinely come back although I didn’t completely trust her but maybe that was just because I was so overly protective of my D; Someone had to be.

“No one put me up to anything Nick. I thought you would think it was a good idea”

He seemed hurt that I wasn’t more enthusiastic about it.

“Does Kevin know?”

“No…you are the first person I decided to tell”

“Thanks, don’t you think dad will freak out?”

“He might but you know what? He freaks out about everything so what’s one more thing. That house hasn’t been his in years. It’s been ours…actually yours and Mel’s” He said her name softly like to say it louder would have woken her from death.

“Have you asked Melissa?” I took another sip of coffee as I watched my brother struggle with that question, “Nick if you think it’s a bad idea…”

“No, I don’t. I think you need to do what feels right to you”

“There are too many memories kiddo. I sit in that house and in every corner all I see is sadness” I couldn’t look him in the eyes, they were so sad. I had seen that face staring back at me too many times from my sister.

“Howie you should sell the house” I nodded confidently even though it hurt like hell to say it. Howie was right, the house on High spelt nothing but sadness, horrible memories haunting every inch of that place but yet, it was home.

He looked at me and smiled, “Are you sure Nicky?”

“Yes, maybe it’s time”

“I won’t do it yet, but I’m going to at least look into it”

The rest of breakfast was spent in a reflective silence, at least on my part. I think Howie was quiet because he sensed that deep down his decision was painful for me. Why I couldn’t even figure out myself. The other weird thing was I found myself worrying about my father and how he might take it.

We walked around campus for a little bit because the day was brisk but still pleasant. I enjoyed showing Howie around, he seemed to really like it.

“Are you happy here Boo?”

“Howie for the love of God, please no Boo here!” He laughed, “Okay fine…Sunny boy” I whapped him in the head.

“Yeah D, so far I’m pretty happy here”

“I’m glad Nicky” He smiled at me and that was the end of the conversation.

By the end of the day I was feeling sad that he was leaving me. Nothing is better then figuring out that not only was he my brother but he was also one of my best friends and I just felt better having him so close.

Kenny and I walked Howie to the car all the while my roommate was giving my brother advice on how to avoid traffic. Most of this advice involved throwing appliances out of the car. Even still, Howie really seemed to like Kenny.

“Do you have to leave already?” I asked sitting myself in the front seat with him, longing to go back to that house that I had hated, at least I thought I had.

“You know you could have gone to a closer school” He winked at me, “It’s never too late to transfer”

“After you sell the place you should move up here” I kidded with him, although I was only partially kidding. “Where are you planning to go anyway?” My stomach dropped and I felt iggy, the way I did when I got too stressed out. When I gave him the okay to sell maybe I also gave him the okay to leave.

“One step at a time kiddo. One step at a time”

It wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for but since it wasn’t ‘I’m moving to Hong Kong’, I decided it was an okay response for now.

On the way back up to my dorm room Kenny informed me that I was a lucky little shit for having such a mega cool brother. All I could think to do was agree. Then he asked me if he could dance like Prince.

Basically I was a mess…

~Chasing Amy ~


Winter time in Boston was fun, the snow never stayed on the streets for too long because of all the activity, it would just disappear right after a huge snow fall, kind if like what they say happens in Manhattan but maybe not to that extreme. On campus however, it was a completely different story and our first snow fall made me feel like I was living in paradise.

I have always been a sucker for nature and how awe inspiring it could be. I blame that on AJ. I picked up his love of all things earthly. Okay AJ and a little bit of Kevin too. Anyway our first major snowfall on campus brought almost a foot of snow and a half day of cancelled classes. We found ourselves running out and being kids all over again. I have never in my life made so many snow angels.

Kenny made a big snowman and then splattered it with red food coloring and stuck a twig in it’s eye. Very creative but the Resident assistants didn’t seem to think so. They gave him a stern warning to shape up.

Long after everyone went back inside to warm up I sat myself on one of the cold green benches and just took in the scenery. That’s when Amy walked by once again. Ever since I had actually spoken to her that day that Howie came, I hadn’t said much more. She dropped the only class we were in together and even though I was tempted to speak to her on more then one occasion in the cafeteria or when she walked by the common areas, I never actually did. Sometimes we’d smile at each other but other then that; nothing.

She was walking kind of slowly and stopped right in the middle of where I had made my third snow angel of the day. She stood over it and examined it as if she was looking at a crime scene. I wasn’t exactly sure what she was up to but before I could put too much thought into it she plopped down on the ground right next to mine and made her very own. She was laughing which made me laugh.

I got up off my bench and made my way over to her as she playfully continued to sway her legs in and out of the snow, “That one is mine”

She quickly jumped up and screamed which caused me to jump about a hundred feet in the air and quickly raise my hand to my mouth in a Shhh gesture.

“What are you trying to give me a heart attack or something?” She asked rolling onto all fours and getting herself off the snow, wiping off the ice as she straightened up.

“Sorry…didn’t mean to scare you I was just saying that the other snow angel is mine” I was feeling dumb suddenly like I had interrupted something spiritual for her.

“It’s okay…I just didn’t realize that anyone was out here” She looked down at the ground and I couldn’t tell if her cheeks were flushed from the cold air or embarrassment.

“It’s the dead center of campus, of course there will be people around silly” I said laughing at her. She finally smiled, “I guess you think I am pretty retarded for doing that huh?” She pointed to her angel which was now running into mine making it look like a Siamese snow angel.

“I did the same thing and when I did mine half the world was out here watching” I shrugged to her which made her laugh again.

“Well okay then…um I should be going” she said suddenly putting up a shield and walking off the grass back towards the dorms.

“Hey wait!” She stopped as I followed her, “How come you dropped Karl’s class?” She seemed surprised that I knew that.

“He didn’t like me”

“Karl? He likes everybody”

“Yeah well not me…besides I wasn’t doing well in there”

“Oh…well I miss seeing you in there”

I think it was the wrong thing to say because she suddenly grew cold with me, “Well anyway I need to go” She walked away almost in a huff.

“What did I say?” I asked myself as she fell out of my view.

I tried not to think about it that much but that girl just got to me for whatever reason. I seriously found myself thinking about her at all times which seemed odd because she classically wasn’t the type of girl I went for. I admit I tended to be shallow in the girl department falling for the cutest or sexiest women out there. I’m not even sure if I thought about Amy in that way. There was something else drawing me to her.

So at lunch the very next day when I noticed her sitting by herself in the corner of the huge cafeteria I once again approached her. What really sucked for me at lunch time was I didn’t ever have the same times free in the afternoons as any of the guys I hung with. Kenny didn’t even bother to go to lunch since he always woke up so late. I think I can count on one hand how many times the boy actually went to his 9 o’clock class. The others seemed to have theirs much later in the day. I got stuck with my lunch time at 11:30 which was way too early to even be considering eating lunch. I don’t think I even ate lunch that early in grammar school. Most times I skipped it myself opting to go to the good old campus McDonald’s.

My lack of funds and refusal to call D and ask for a loan forced me down into the cafeteria. I walked over to Amy slowly as if I was approaching a lion who might attack if you came at them too quickly.

She looked up from her bowl of cereal and smiled, that made me pick up the pace a little.

“Hey….mind if I sit here with you?” She motioned with her hand for me to sit so I did.

“I hate eating this early” I confessed looking down at my undercooked burger and soggy fries. You could totally tell that parents weekend was well over.

“I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. I heard that Gus spits in the burger meat before he cooks it” She looked over towards the kitchen area and then quickly back down at her bowl of.. “Grape nuts?” I was trying to make out what she was eating.

“Yeah, I get on these little Grape Nut kicks where I eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner”

“Yuck” I crammed a soggy fry in my mouth loaded with ketchup as she stuck her tongue out at me.

“So…what exactly is a Grape nut anyway?” What a stupid opener and I could tell by the sly little smile forming on her lips that she agreed.

“You shouldn’t knock um till you try it” She held up her spoon with some of it on there which I took, “Before I put this in my mouth do you have cooties? Because I don’t do cooties” She laughed and I shrugged, “Okay…but if I don’t like this then you have to take a big bite out of my spit on burger”

“Oh stop being a baby and just try it…jeez!” I opened my mouth and swallowed the cereal which turned out to be really yummy. Yes I said yummy.

She waited for a reaction and when she saw my smile she snorted, “See? I told you!”

“They are really sweet”

“Well, no they aren’t but I put so much sugar on them that it’s more like sugar with grape nuts. And them I mush a banana in there”

She made me addicted to the stupid things and sure enough I found myself eating them all the time. That’s how Amy and I became friends and how just like those stupid grape nuts, I also became addicted to her.

We just kind of hit it off after that, deciding to meet for lunch on every Wednesday and Friday; the two days we both had to eat early. It was odd because we didn’t really talk about anything heavy or even real, unlike Kenny who managed to tell me his whole life story after our first meeting. Amy was just like me, I’m sure if I could use a special telescope to look into her soul I would see a big metal shield with a rusty keep out sign hanging from it.

We pretty much had differing tastes on everything from music where I liked the heavy stuff like System of a Down and Korn, she preferred The Backstreet Boys, she insisted I looked like one of them, I think his name was Justin… Who cares anyway?

She loved dramas and musicals where I preferred movies where heads would eventually get lobbed off.

One thing we were identical with was our sense of humor. Dry, sarcastic and witty. Sometimes we would be sitting in silence eating our sugared grape nuts and eavesdrop on some of the conversations going on and just laugh at the stupidity of some of the people who we went to school with. Especially the fraternity and sorority guys.

We both typically shied away from all of those types of activities at college. Kevin thought maybe pledging to a frat would be a great idea claiming that I was lucky because his college didn’t even have them. AJ on the other hand threatened to disown me if I became anything with a Greek letter attached to it. ‘Those are even cultier than cults! How can Kevin want you to Not join a cult and then want you to be a frat boy? Sometimes that man makes next to NO sense I tell you!’

At first I was a little worried when people around me left and right were going over to the dark side as Kenny put it. Kenny and his Star Wars analogies. He was right though, everyone was going Greek on us and I felt the pangs of peer pressure tugging at my brain. I’m so glad I didn’t succumb because hearing stories especially at lunch table conversations which I wasn’t invited to but listened in on anyway, those clubs were nothing but torture factories.

“I don’t get why they just don’t say you know what? I’m not going to let you treat me like garbage anymore!” Amy said after overhearing pledglings sitting next to us from a popular sorority house claim that they were mentally abused all night long by their sisters.

“People are dumb I guess” That was the only answer I could think of. She nodded in agreement right as Kenny with a tray in hand came and sat next to us.

“Hey Amy” he nudged me over in the booth, “I didn’t know you guys were friends” He looked from me to Amy and smiled.

“It’s a small world isn’t it?” Amy said sarcastically and got up to dump her tray. “I need to go, I’m having a small study group in my dorm room. Talk to you later Nick”

“See ya” I smiled at her.

“What time is that study session?” Kenny asked all interested in academics suddenly. That kind of made me sick to my stomach. Please don’t tell me we were going to be fighting over the same girl.

“In about fifteen minutes”

“Okay guess I’ll pass” I laughed at him as he shoveled rice into his mouth.

Amy just nodded at both of us and made her way out the door.

“Didn’t know you were so interested in studying” I said mashing my banana into my Grape Nuts to complete the delicacy.

“I’m not, have you seen Amy’s roommate?”

“No”

“She’s like the hottest chick here sunny boy! We all swarm around her dorm room just hoping to catch a glance of her in her thong”

“Okay” Boy I wanted to change the topic of discussion.

“I also heard she’s easy. At least that’s what hairy said”

I just laughed.

“You tight with Amy?” I shrugged, “We are kind of getting to know each other”

“Maybe she’ll invite you to her room so you can see what I’m talking about”

It was a little surprising that he didn’t even think I could be attracted to Amy. That I maybe wanted a relationship with her. Not sure why but it made me mad.

“I don’t use people like that”

Kenny sensing my anger held up his hands in a surrender sign, “Nick don’t get all uptight. I’m not a user either. I like Amy but damn her roomie is…just damn!”

Okay so as much as I didn’t want that conversation to stay in my head I found myself very curious as to what this person looked like so I figured maybe I’d invite myself to Amy’s little study group. I mean I knew her dorm room now because Kenny had drilled it into my head, so after lunch I made my way across campus to find Amy…again.

Her hallway was SO much quieter than mine, no Dave Matthews or people screaming in the hallways. The faintest sound of pop music was coming from a room down the hall but other then that it was almost library quiet in there.

I found her room and gently knocked hoping I wouldn’t look like too much of an idiot when I showed up for a study group for a class I wasn’t even taking.

She seemed surprised when she opened the door, “Nick? What are you doing here?” Her eyes were wet with tears and she sniffled before letting me into her empty room.

“Where is everyone?” I asked not sure if I should sit or wait for an invitation to do so.

She sat down at her desk and blew her nose, “What’s wrong?”

She laughed, “you probably think I’m like a crazy crying idiot or something…I promise I don’t spend all my time crying”

“Please…you should have seen me in high school. I was a mess” I joked but not entirely kidding.

“It’s okay to cry, now tell me what’s going on?” I knelt down next to her and placed my hands on her legs.

“My roommate!” She started and then took a deep breath.

“Jill…I’m so tired of all the guys coming over here just so they can try to get into her pants. My study group mysteriously consisted of four guys and the two of us and you know what happened when those guys got here and saw that Jill had bailed?”

“They left” I said feeling guilty for being a male.

She nodded, “You know sometimes it’s hard to look like this and live with someone who looks like her” I wanted to tell her I thought she was beautiful but I couldn’t. Those were words reserved for a different time. Anything I told her about her looks now would feel like they weren’t genuine. I remember because Melissa was the same way.

So I did the next best thing, “I don’t think she’s anything to brag about really”

“Please save it Nick. She’s gorgeous and it’s not her fault but still” She looked me in the eyes, “you know?” And the weird thing was I did.

“I’m sorry Melissa”

“What?” I didn’t realize what I had done.

“I said I’m sorry”

“You called me Melissa. Who the heck is that?” She laughed finding it amusing but I didn’t. Not at all.

“I did?”

“Yes you did”

“Sorry...” She could tell I was uncomfortable so she changed the subject, “Anyway what brings you here?”

Well if you want to know the truth I was just coming to check out your hot roommate too! Supposedly she’s easy and even though I’m not the slightest bit interested I had to see.

“Just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight?” She seemed very surprised but also happy.

“Sure” I smiled at her.

I stayed for a few more minutes taking in her room and trying to figure out what made her tick. Her room was almost as bare as mine, the only difference being the collages of friends and family that lined her walls.

“Hey Nick”

“Yeah?”

“I am glad you came today, thanks” She came over and hugged me. I made sure I hugged her really tight and didn’t pull away first.

Never pull away from a hug first, you’ll seem uninterested. Probably the best lesson my sister ever taught me.

“See you tonight” She said walking me to her door.

“Yuppers”

As I left I was kind of surprised at what I had done. Did she remind me of my sister that much? And if she did how wrong of me was it to find myself falling for her?

I was an idiot, but you know that so why keep pounding it into your head?


~ The Boy in the Bubble~


The crispness of fall started to mesh with the briskness of winter as it got closer and closer to our first semester’s end. Funny how time goes by so fast when you are living in a bubble and by around November, I realized that was what being away from home felt like; living in a bubble.

To say winter wasn’t brutal my first year of college would be a flat out lie. By Thanksgiving it had already snowed a total of three feet. Not all at once mind you but enough to be a huge pain in the neck. I did use it to my advantage though. When Howie called me and asked when exactly I planned on coming home for Thanksgiving break I kind of lied and said because of all the snow we weren’t really going to HAVE a break. Just Thursday and that was all.

I don’t know why but I couldn’t go home yet. Maybe because I liked my little bubble just fine, enjoyed my life as I liked to think it was going. Probably because in the few months that I had been away from home I had substituted my old family for a new one. I felt bad for lying to him because I think he was really looking forward to me coming home. I’m almost positive he knew I was lying too but I still stood firm in my decision and opted to stay in Boston.

As my stay in Boston lengthened, my attitude changed. I went from being completely homesick and wanting to see Howie all the time to barely even letting myself think of him or anything that had to do with home. I guess it was easier for me that way, by not thinking of home I was able to make all the problems that awaited me there disappear.

I felt better knowing that Sarah and AJ had invited both he and my dad to their house. So no more guilt on my part. Everyone went home and looked at me kind of strange when I said I was staying. I lied and said my parents were going to be away in Paris. I’m sure that’s when they started to sense maybe Sunny Nicky wasn’t so sunny all the time. If they did they didn’t tell me.

The real reason I stayed behind, well one of them anyway, is because Amy was also going to be up there all by herself. She didn’t tell me why and it would be a long time before we opened up to each other about stuff but I could tell she did not like the idea of staying in the dorm all by herself for a holiday.

When I told her that my plans had been thrown out of whack she smiled and hugged me.

We ordered a pizza and watched The Man With Two Brains. It was fun and anticlimactic but it kept us both in our bubbles.

I knew I would have to go back home eventually because we weren’t allowed to stay on campus during the winter break. I guess it made sense but still I wasn’t ready to move back to Bethlehem. Go from sunny Nick to poor Nick.

Howie called me just about every day but I seldom returned his calls. Not that I didn’t love him, but I don’t know…I didn’t want to deal with reality. Not yet anyway. The last message he left me was cold, “If you ever decide to call me back I need to know when to come pick you up unless you plan on hiding in the dorms for the rest of your life”

It was kind of harsh but I guess I deserved it. So I finally called him and told him that my last day of school would be the 17th. I lied of course because it was almost five days before that but I didn’t want to go home.

Kenny went home the second he was done with exams, we exchanged numbers and he said he’d call me a lot especially to escape the parents. Amy hung around until a few days before I left. That’s when I finally got to meet her roommate.

We were at lunch sitting at a table with one of the more annoying guys on our floor, Rob. This guy was one of those twenty five year old freshman types, annoying in every way. He also had a little crush on Jill, so when Amy said Jill was coming to lunch with us he all of the sudden jumped at the chance to tag along.

We sat around the table and for the first time I noticed what Amy was talking about when it came to her roommate. Jill was a beautiful girl not as drop dead gorgeous as I had pictured her but still very nice looking. She had sex appeal, dripped it actually and boy I think we guys were able to smell it from a mile away. By the time we had eaten our lunch and went for the hot beverage, there were six guys sitting around our table. Six guys and not one was even looking Amy’s way.

She tried to act like she wasn’t thinking about it, but I could tell by her body language she was embarrassed. I felt bad for her, but it was Rob that kind of summed up what to her was probably her bane of existence. He leaned over to her as the guys ogled Jill and said, “That probably happens all the time and you are always left out huh?” She gave him a half smile and I wanted to punch him but it was the truth. He didn’t mean to be a jerk by saying it either.

As we left the cafeteria I pulled her aside, “I still don’t think she’s anything to write home about” I licked my ice cream and she smiled at me, “Nick can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah”

“Why are you hanging with me?”

“Because you’re cool and I like to hang with the cool kids” I winked at her and she pushed me, “No…I’m serious. I mean it’s just kind of odd. I mean I love hanging out with you but I was just wondering” I felt bad, like suddenly she thought that maybe I was being dared to be seen with her or something.

“Why do you hang out with me?” I asked her now on the defense.

She smiled and blushed, that made me feel good. “Because you are the brother I have always wanted and never had” I have to admit, it wasn’t exactly what I had thought she was gonna say. The man in me was waiting for ‘because I want to jump your bones you stud!’ but I guess after my ego had time to digest what she said I took it as a compliment.

We hung out together that night in her room with Jill and her little entourage of males wanting to get into her pants. Watched some South Park and then called it a night.

It wasn’t until I got back to my empty dorm room that I became Nick Carter again. It was an odd transformation. I hadn’t been this guy since I stepped foot in this place and now all of the sudden all of the things I had worried about most when I had lived at home came hitting me all at once. Thoughts about dad and seeing him again. Thoughts about Howie and trying to pretend I don’t know how unhappy he really is. Thoughts of the graveyard and living so near all of the people who have died in my life.

I wanted to forget it all, but it would be coming back at me full force when Howie came to pick me up. I even tried to conjure up some schemes in my head. Ways that I could maybe get away with staying up in Boston during the break. Did I know anyone with an apartment? Just a few people but none of them well enough that I could stay.

Maybe I could stay at a YMCA? Or a hostel, there were a ton of those in Boston that barely charged any rent at all. Maybe I could hook up with one of those. I felt a tear fall from my cheek and I was kind of surprised. Was I that upset about going home that I was crying? That made no sense to me. I had escaped these feelings. I put them all away when I left that place.

It’s only for a month Nick, it won’t be that bad, I tried to tell myself avoiding the mirror as I walked into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. Only for a month and you’ll get to see your old friends and your bothers. You miss them you know.

I pretty much kept that frame of mind when Howie finally knocked on my door to take me away from my new life. He seemed annoyed when he entered. I don’t blame him I hated when people blew me off and it seemed like that is all I had done to him for the last month. “Hey D” I said grabbing him in a hug.

“Hey Nicky…ready to go?” I nodded, “Just let me go to the bathroom” I walked in there and took a few deep breaths. I heard him turn on Kenny’s TV.

“Is there a lot of traffic?”

“You don’t want to leave do you?” I wasn’t expecting him to open with that even though you would have to be pretty dumb to not read that in my face.

“It’s not that I don’t want to come home but…”

“I know” He said and tried to smile at me, it wasn’t a real one though. I could tell he was hurt.

I sat down next to him and placed my head on his shoulder, “You know I love you Howie” After I said that he placed his arm around my shoulders, “I know”

“I like my life here, I feel normal here Howie. It’s different at home that’s all”

“I know that too”

“Sorry I have been so distant”

“You don’t have to apologize, just don’t phase me out of your life Nick”

I had heard him say the same exact thing to Kevin once when he thought I was sleeping. I was still kind of young and I fell asleep in his bed. It was a little phase I went through in my tweens. I hated my room, there was something about it, something dark that I still to this day don’t much think about. Anyway when I would get anxious I would climb into his bed but only if he wasn’t in there. That was something he always found amusing. “You just like my bed better, I have nothing to do with that at all” He had teased once.

I was lying in bed when I heard the phone ring. I always got anxious back then when the phone rang because nine out of ten times it was about Mom or dad. Mom had died already but still she was alive in my head. Howie had been sitting in his room at his desk with the light on dim reading a book, afraid to wake me. He answered the phone and started yelling at the person on the other end. I hadn’t figured out it was Kevin until I heard him mention Kristin’s name. That’s when I knew, Howie sounded hurt that night and I remember wanting desperately to know what they had been fighting about. “Don’t phase us out of your life Kevin!” He had said. Now just about ten years later I think I finally had a clue what he meant.

We were pretty quiet for a good portion of our ride back home. So different from the initial ride to college. We even stopped at the same McDonald’s but this time I went with a good old quarter pounder with cheese.

“Howie are you mad at me?” I finally gathered enough courage to ask him as he played with his yogurt parfait.

“No kiddo I’m not mad at you, just have a lot on my mind that’s all”

“Something that I can help you with?” He smiled almost like ‘how cute little Nicky wants to help me with my problems’

“Nah...it’ll work itself out I’m sure. How’s your burger?”

“Good” That was my cue to drop the conversation so I did.

I sat in the car as day turned to night and felt my bubble burst as I saw that ‘Pennsylvania welcomes you’ sign.

I didn’t feel welcomed I felt troubled.

“Nicky, the first time home from college is always the hardest” He admitted to me when I audibly sighed at the Easton toll booth.

“Do you think you are the first Carter to feel like this? I remember throwing up before I came home for the first time”

I looked over at my brother who was only a shadow to me at that point, his face darkened by the night sky but an occasional headlight shown through the window made me realize that maybe he was as troubled as I was.

“You know what I was most afraid of Boo?”

“NO…what?”

“Never being able to leave again. I was afraid that this stupid place was going to swallow me and keep me here forever” He looked over at me then as if he figured out what was going through my head. Maybe he did. I’m not sure, my mind was flooded with tons of things. None of which involved Howie feeling as miserable as me.

“Do you still feel like that?” He shrugged, “Yeah…sometimes I guess”

I urgently felt the need to change the conversation, “So, what are our plans for Christmas?” I sat up a little straighter and tried to shake of my brother’s disturbing confessions.

“Well we have a bunch of offers. AJ and Sarah want us to come to their place. Kevin and Kris invited us and so did Leigh and Brian”

“Too bad we can’t all be together” He smiled at me, “We will be”

“We will?”

“Yup, everyone decided on AJ’s place because of the baby. It’s just easier for everyone else to travel to them then them to travel to everyone else”

“Cool!” That made me excited. Maybe seeing everyone again would feel better. Not just me, a brother and a crazy father.

“It should be fun” He said but his voice didn’t say that. His voice made it seem like it was something he dreaded. I was curious but decided not to ask. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. Sometimes it was so much easier being left in the dark. I wish I could have stayed there forever...in the dark never knowing the real truth about things.

Here’s something you may not know about me…

Home again home again jiggety jig...

It was almost midnight when we pulled up in front of the house. Howie didn’t think to leave any lights on so it looked even gloomier than it was. “Let me go first otherwise you are going to break your neck” He said grabbing one of my bags and running up the steps and into the house.

I slowly walked up the porch steps and turned around to look at my neighborhood. It was very quiet but a few lights were on here and there. Of course when I turned in the Novak’s direction I saw his tall frame staring at me from his window. I blatantly waved at him, if he was going to spy I was going to let him know he wasn’t a very good one. He waved then quickly closed the curtain and shut of his lights. That’s when ours went on and Howie gave me the all clear to enter.

The first thing that hit me was the smell, funny how even after all of the crazy people have long since moved out that their smell remained. I wonder if it lived in Howie’s nose, immune from how close he actually still lived to all of the icky things we tried our hardest to block out.

That’s what I think of when I hear the words mentally ill. Some people define it as an action or as a look. For me, it was a smell, I remember it well; when I was little, the smell of mom having gone maybe days or weeks without showering. I remember one time that I smelled like that too as a child. Briefly, my hair always unkempt and knotty. The neighborhood kids would make fun of me. Call me Carter pissy pants. That’s when Howie stepped in, well he and Melissa both. Took to making sure I bathed regularly and made it a point of forcing my mother to do the same.

I closed my eyes and relived one of those moments as I stood in the doorway. When I opened them, Howie was staring at me with an amused smirk across his face, “You zone out again?”

“No just thinking of the good ole days”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

I closed the door, “Howie is there any other way to be?”

I had to give my brother props because he had managed to make this place his. In the few months that I was gone, he got rid of all the stale and smoke stained furniture and replaced it with a set that could have come right out of one of those Ikea commercials.

“Wow”

“You like it?” He asked draping his coat over one of the blue recliners sitting by the newly painted wall.

“It looks amazing in here” I walked into the bright room and took in how incredible it looked. He had repainted the walls the same color but added a splash of yellow in here and there. There were colorful prints all over the place and a nice purple couch followed by the two blue recliners. It almost looked livable now. “Has dad seen this place yet?”

“Yup, he’s been here a few times. He said if he thought I was queer before he really knows I am now” He rolled his eyes at me and laughed but I still wanted to slap my father for saying that to him.

“I did it over the last two months and finally finished it last week. You like it?” I looked over at him and nodded. “Hell yes it’s really just…wow”

“Thanks”

“Did you redo my room?” A guy could hope right?

“Nope Nicky sorry. I left it just the way you did”

“Are you feeling a little better about being here now?” The way he asked made me feel like maybe he did this just so I wouldn’t ever leave. But he was right I guess, I did feel better about being home. Mainly because it didn’t feel like home anymore.

“Yeah I am …thanks and sorry again for being such a jerk to you”

He came over and gave me a hug, “It’s great to have you home again Boo”

“Thanks D. I am exhausted so I think I may just go to bed, do you mind?”

“No, not at all, I promised Ricky I’d give her a call when I got home and then I’m ready to turn in. Nighty night Nicky. You can leave that bag down here and I’ll bring it up later”

“Thanks” My Howie always takes such good care if me. I wish I didn’t always take him for granted. I mean he has always just been there.

When I opened my door and put on my lamp there was no doubt that I was back at home. My room really did look just as I had left it back in late August when I ventured away. Even some of my drawers were half opened and clothes were scattered on my bed. I grabbed my camo pants “so that’s where they were, I never packed them” I pushed the clutter off to the side and plopped down on my bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I had forgotten how small my room actually was. The ceilings in the entire house were pretty small but in my room in particular it was maybe about three inches taller than I was.

My room was not really meant to be a room but when you have six kids I guess you have to utilize all the rooms you can and in my case, they changed a large half room into my room. Funny that I never thought of it as nothing more than a glorified closet until I left and came back. That’s what it was though, tiny and claustrophobic.

I rolled over on my stomach and hugged one of my pillows which still carried the faintest smell of high school. It felt surreal being back home but then again it kind of felt just as surreal going away in the first place. I rolled over again but this time plopping myself on the floor next to my phone, a habit which I found fun. I had the sudden desire to call Brent to see if he was home. Maybe we could get together and hang out, I mean I was tired but there was something in me that didn’t feel the need to sleep.

I let the phone only ring three times before hanging up, feeling bad for possibly waking his parents. I would try him again tomorrow.

Howie tapped on my door and smiled when he saw me sitting on the floor, “You fall off your bed?”

“Nah…just trying to call Brent”

“I thought you were going to bed” He came in and placed my bag on the floor next to me.

“I am”

“Good because you look exhausted”

“Okay” I yawned and rubbed my sleepy eyes.

“Well kiddo I really think you should get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow”

“I do?”

Howie shook his head and sat down on my bed, “I forgot to tell you this, We are going over to AJ’s tomorrow.

“We are?”

“Yes…Sarah’s friend is up for the weekend and is taking her to some kind of baby expo”

“Oh God don’t even tell me we are going with her!”

He laughed, “No, but we are going to hang out with J while they are gone”

“So we are babysitting AJ then?”

“Yup”

“Ok sounds great” I yawned again which Howie took as a cue to give me his hand and help me up off the floor, “You…bed...now” He pointed at my bed.

“You…dork…always” I had to, he asked for it. He slapped me on my ass. “Night smartass” He said walking out the door.

The next day we traveled to New Jersey, what an exciting adventure that was. Nothing is quite so lovely as Jersey in the morning. All the drivers honking and trying their hardest to push you off the road. I thought I was an impatient driver.

Some guy gave Howie the finger because he was in the passing lane and only going 50. Howie tends to drive like an old lady sometimes which bugs me to NO end. We would have the biggest fights about this because he hated to drive yet he would refuse to let me drive when I complained. Like now. “Howie just please go onto the shoulder and we’ll switch”

“Nicky hush…I got it, you’re making me nervous”

“But everyone is passing you”

“So what? Let them” I laughed at him which made him mad, “You know why don’t you go back to sleep and I’ll wake you when we get there”

“Maybe I will take a nap since at the speed you’re going we won’t get there until tomorrow”

“SHUT UP NICK!’ He screamed at me. I jumped not expecting it. He really caught me off guard.

“Sorry” He said after a few minutes of really intense silence.

“Whatever” I laid back on my headrest and pulled my baseball cap over my eyes and tried to sleep.

Happily when I stirred awake we were pulling into AJ’s driveway.

“We’re here” He barked at me and then pasted on a smile and got out of the car, “Jeez…moody much?” I asked under my breath. AJ hearing the car came out to greet us in his bathrobe and socks. He looked like he belonged in an episode of The Sopranos. I laughed at him, poor guy, I hadn’t seen him in almost five months and the first time I do I laugh at him.

Howie grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug, then he focused his attention on me, “Nick my man come to papa!” He held his hands out to me and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Hi J, nice outfit”

He turned around to model it for me, “Thanks its Sarah’s. Since she is like the size of an elephant these days we are wearing the same clothes”

“Aw I’m sure she would love to hear your elephant reference”

“She knows I kid. I wouldn’t have her any other way” He pulled me away from him and looked me up and down, “What’s up at that college of yours? Don’t they feed you up there?”

“What do you mean?”

“You look like you have lost a lot of weight”

“Huh?”

“Maybe you just grew or something”

“No, you’re right” Howie cut in giving me a disgusted look, “He’s lost some weight” I had no clue what they were talking about. “I eat like a pig guys”

“You’re scrawny kid. We have to put some meat on your bones” AJ grabbed my arm and walked me into his house. Since I had gotten home I felt like I have been led everywhere like a child.

“Is Sarah here?” I was hoping I’d get to see her. I kind of missed Sarah.

“No, you just missed them by about fifteen minutes” He plopped on his couch and lit up a cigarette.

“I thought you said you were quitting for the baby” Howie said walking over and opening a window. The non smokers universal sign of annoyance. Not that I was a smoker but at college I was surrounded by enough of them to notice the things that bugged them most.

“Kids not here yet D”

“Yeah but even still AJ” As if on cue both my brother and I glanced at each other and shook our heads. Nice to know I wasn’t the only one thinking that Howie woke up with a bug up his ass.

“I have to use your bathroom” D said abruptly leaving the room and actually slamming the door when he reached his destination.

“What is his problem today?” I looked at AJ and shrugged. I wish I knew, I didn’t much enjoy having mood swings let alone watching them.

“He’s been pissy all day long”

“Gotta love D and his moods. They are getting ever increasingly bad these days”

“Really?” AJ nodded.

“Wonder why?” We stopped our conversation when Howie ventured back inside and sat down on the sofa. “So AJ, what’s the plan for today?”

“I got nothing. Just thought maybe we could hang out like old times. Maybe play a killer game of Monopoly”

“Monopoly? Cool I get to be the boat!”

Howie smirked at me which possibly signaled the end of mood swing number two.

*Hey yes another chapter :)*

Deep down inside, i'm still that little kid...


Secrets


We did end up playing Monopoly for what ended up being a really long time. Now let me tell you something, when it came to that game, I was a pro! No one could ever touch me and of course Howie and AJ both ended up bankrupt. If only life was like that. We didn't talk much despite the long game. Howie would only smile occasionally when one of us would land on his properties but other then that he was quiet. AJ tried to distract us both by cracking jokes and of course cheating, but even though I would laugh and play right back, Howie kept silent, as if he was in deep thought about something.

I really hated it when someone in my family wasn't acting right. You know other families that would mean just a bad day but when the Carters had a bad day that usually meant death. I didn't like that thought at all so I suddenly found myself blurting out, "Howie what is wrong?"

The question seemed to take him by surprise, "What do you mean?"

"You are just acting weird. Moody and quiet, is everything alright?"

"Yes fine" But the way he answered signaled otherwise.

"Seriously D! Talk to me because the mood swings are a little..." He stood up then almost knocking the board off the table. The pieces went sailing onto the floor which was okay since we were done.

"You know what? I'm allowed to be in a rotten mood every once in awhile! I'm going home" AJ and I both looked at each other totally confused.

"We just got here"

Howie bent down to pick up the playing pieces, "I know Nicky but I forgot I have to go do something, you stay...AJ you mind if he stays the night?"

"No man not a problem at all" They were acting like I was five again.

"I'll be back to pick him up tomorrow"

"He can stay as long as he wants"

"What if I don't want to stay?" I loved spending time with AJ but I was also really looking forward to meeting up with Brent and some other high school friends I hadn't seen in ages.

"I'm offended, he doesn't want to stay with me" I once again looked over at AJ; was he so blind that he couldn't see how weird Howie was acting? "It's not that AJ but..."

Luckily before anyone of us could say anything more in walked Sarah and her friend, carrying a ton of bags with them. AJ's eyes lit up just looking at his wife, but she ignored him and instead walked over to Howie wrapping him up in a huge hug. After saying hello to Howie she made her way over to me, "Hello handsome!" She said pulling me close to her. I laughed when I couldn't manage to wrap my hands around her. First I laugh at AJ now I laugh at Sarah. Very nice Nick!

"Um...did you buy out the place honey?" She let go of me and winked, "Yes Alex I did can't you tell?"

"Yeah"

She walked towards him and kissed him, "It was all free sweetie. That was the idea. They hand out a ton of freebies to expectant mothers like myself"

"Then it's all good" Once again he kissed her, now I felt like I was intruding. He knelt down and rubbed her belly, "Hello baby!" He said in a ridiculous PeeWee Herman voice.

"AJ you are going to scare that kid right out of there if you keep that up!" He looked over at me and shook his head. "I used to do it to you and you turned out alright"

"Did he really do that to me Howie?" I looked over at my brother who once again seemed to check out of dodge. Walking closer to him I placed my hand on his shoulder, "Howie?" He looked over at me and smiled, "Yeah he did it all the time. He would rub mom's stomach and talk to you" I wasn't listening to him anymore. I guess I was concentrating more on what was wrong. He was beginning to worry me and I didn't do worried very well. I felt my stomach roll. The first time since I had left home.

"Howie I hope you change your mind and stay" AJ said walking back to the table and sitting down while Sarah walked her friend out.

"I don't know J, maybe" I just stood staring at him. I must have made him uncomfortable because he looked away.

"I'm going out for some fresh air i'll be right back" I started walking after him but AJ's hand on my shoulder brought me back, "He's okay Nicky...let him go"

I turned to AJ, "What's wrong with him J?"

"Not sure" There it was, a lie. It was obvious he wasn't telling me the truth when he bit at his bottom lip. They were keeping something from me again. Another deep dark family secret!

"I know you are lying to me AJ"

"I'm not lying to anyone kid. Come on let's clean this game up before my wife yells at me. You know what it's like to live with a hormonal woman? It ain't pretty" I laughed but it was forced. Why were they keeping things from me again? What could be so horrible that I couldn't handle hearing it?

"Is Howie okay AJ? I mean he isns't sick is he?"

"Niiiick....stop. He's fine"

I turned around to him once again and tried to get it out of him, "but..."

He wouldn't let me finish, just shook his head, "Nicky you have to trust me. Everything is okay"

"You said that when he was in the mental hospital too"

"He wasn't in a mental hospital"

"You know what I mean. If there is something wrong I want to know what it is!"

He ignored me and continued to pick up the game pieces, an action that did nothing but piss me off so I decided to leave the room. I was going to get to the bottom of things myself. I didn't care if I would have to pry it out of Howie or not! The days of secret keeping were over.

I was just about to walk out the front door when I stopped at the screen. There was Sarah and Howie sitting on the steps and talking. It seemed like a heated talk. She was listening to him and my name came up at least twice. I wish I could have made out more but they were talking too quietly and of course stopped cold when they saw me standing there.

"Hi baby" She said motioning for me to come and sit next to her and Howie.

I opened the screen door and sat down, refusing to make eye contact with my brother. "I can't believe how much you have grown since we last saw you. That's what Howie and I were just talking about"

Nice cover up Sarah! I didn't say it but I wanted too. "Yeah I guess that's what college does to you although I don't think I look any different, well besides being thinner according to these guys"

"It's not your appearance, just an air of confidence. You have grown into a nice lovely young man" I was embarrassed.

"Sarah please..."

"She's right Nicky...you have grown up a lot. We're proud of you"

"Then why are you keeping things from me then?"

"I'm not keeping anything from you"

"I feel like you are all keeping secrets and I want to know what it is" Howie shook his head and Sarah smiled, "Howie decided to stay afterall" She said trying to change the subject.

"Yeah but now I gotta make a quick phone call, do you mind Sarah?"

"No go ahead, this way the two of us can catch up on things" Howie smiled at us and made his way inside leaving Sarah and I sitting on the porch. She really looked great pregnant, like she was meant to be a mom. Her belly jutting out a little but not too much and her cheeks rosy and full.

"You look terrific Sarah" She laughed, "Now you're just trying to be nice"

"No i'm serious. You look amazing!" She pulled me close to her again, "I have really missed you Nick you know that?"

"Sarah what's going on with Howie?"

"He just has things on his mind pumpkin. It's nothing you should worry about"

"Pumpkin?" I laughed at her.

"Yes...I'm thinking of calling our baby pumpkin"

"You mean as a real name?" She nodded. "thought i'd try it out on you first, how did you like it?"

"If you name this kid Pumpkin you better start looking for a therapist" She laughed but then grew serious, "Nick, seriously don't worry about Howie, when he's ready to tell you he will"

I dropped the conversation because frankly I had nothing more to say, just sat quietly with Sarah on the porch as a cool breeze made us both wonder why we weren't inside. I liked the brisk air though. It stung and reminded me how alive I was as well as everything around me.

Soon it was too much for me as I made my way inside about ten minutes after Sarah did. We laughed over dinner and talked about old times but mostly our conversation was centered around the baby.

On the car ride back home Howie shut off the radio suddenly, "Nicky..."

It's funny because all I wanted was for him to open up to me but then sitting there in the car, when I felt he was about to do just that, I pretended to be asleep. He said my name once more and then when I failed to say anything in return he put the radio back on.

Maybe I knew whatever was going to come out of his mouth I wouldn't much like. Maybe I just knew I wasn't ready to hear it. Whatever the case, the conversation was happily dropped and I did fall asleep, vaguely remembering AJ shouting hello baby at me while I was inside my mother's womb.

I awoke when the car came to a stop. Yawning and stretching as Howie turned off the ignition, "Well someone conked out for the entire ride" He sounded tired. To me he sounded everything but happy.

"Sorry about that" He smiled at me and walked inside. Uncomfortable conversation successfully averted!

I travelled up the steps with every thought of calling Brent to see if maybe he wanted to get together tomorrow before we once again headed back to AJ's for a week of family reunions and such, but instead I found myself calling someone else.

She picked up on the very first ring, before I had time to second guess myself.

"Hello?"

"Hey"

"Nick?" A level of excitement in her voice made me smile.

"Yeah...how's things?"

"Good, it's kind of late though..." I shifted on the floor and switched ears. Like getting blown off would be easier from the left then the right.

"Sorry, you want me to let you go?"

"NO! I mean you just took me by surprise that's all"

Talking to Amy felt so natural, like I was able to transport myself from here back to there. A place where I could avoid sad brothers and churning stomachs.

I know it was hypocritical of me to be so hard on my family for keeping secrets when I realized the people now closest to me had no idea what my life was like. All I did was keep secrets from them.

At the moment I didn't care. I just wanted to be taken away which I was happily. We talked for about two hours. So much that my ear was numb by the time we finally said our goodbyes. We didn't even talk the entire time. Sometimes we just sat quietly and listened to the same TV show, being calmed by each others breaths.

I was so tired when I got off the phone that I didn't even bother to crawl into bed, just slept right there on the floor grabbing the blanket off my bed and rolling into it.

If I could have climbed out my window and driven back to college I would have in a heartbeat. Even though no one would be there, I still was. The Nick that I actually liked.

Who smiles on the outside but hurts on the inside...

The Dakota

I finally managed to get in touch with Brent. Turns out he decided to come home a few days later then scheduled himself. Suddenly I felt like maybe it was normal to want to blow off your family.

We decided to meet up for dinner at our old hangout. The Dakota Diner. This was the place we went to after every football game, movie night, concert, you name it. The diner was always our last stop before heading home.

The three of us, being Mark, Brent and I would usually meet up at the Dakota for dinner on Fridays before going to a movie or sometimes just going back to Brent's house to hang out on his roof.

The owners knew us by name. They knew me as the kid who worked for that other high school hangout, Mario's. Maybe it's because I worked there so much but when I had time off I seldom wanted to hang out there so we christened the Dakota as ours.

So how fitting it seemed that we would be meeting up there again after not seeing each other for so long. Brent said he would try to get a hold of Mark and some of the other guys we hung out with and that we would all meet up by 7ish.

I jumped in the shower and got dressed almost jumping with joy about our reunion. It may sound stupid but I missed those guys. I bounded down the steps to the sound of salsa music coming from the kitchen. I laughed when I saw Howie in the kitchen polishing the table and dancing. It was kind of refreshing after his melancholy mood at AJ's a day or so earlier.

He turned my way then stopped when he saw me standing there smiling at him, "Oh...hi I didn't hear you come in"

"Howie what on earth are you doing?"

He walked over to me and grabbed my arms and threw me down into a dip, "The meringue" He said in the worst Spanish accent ever.

I laughed, "I think you have been sniffing that Pledge! That's what I think" He brought me back to my feet and smiled. "Just trying to take cleaning to a whole new level"

"Yeah I see that...and I suppose it has nothing to do with Ricky coming to visit us?" He winked at me.

I was grateful that Ricky would be spending the holidays with us, if nothing else just to see my brother smile again. He has been so down in the dumps. Maybe it was just from missing her.

It will be weird to be the only one not attached to a ladies arm this Christmas. Everyone in my family was getting married and having babies and here I was, the ex boyfriend of a lesbian. Didn't seem fair at all. I placed my hand in my pocket which reminded me the other reason I needed to find Howie. My funds were a bit low so I need the international bank of Howie to help me out.

"Hey Howie....Can I borrow a few bucks for tonight?" He suddenly stopped dancing, his mood turning sour right in front of my eyes.

"Nick...how much do you need?" I was kind of surprised by the reaction, "Um...it's no big deal really. we are just going to The Dakota for dinner so about $10?" I was going to ask for $20 but the way he was acting it seemed like that would be pushing my luck.

He nodded and went for his wallet on the table, "Sure no problem" I was happy to see him take out a $20. "Better to have more then less right?"

I reached over and took the money and of course I had to grab him into a hug and give him a big wet, sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Thanks I love you man!"

That's when I remembered gas "Oh Howie can I also have some money for gas?"

"Jesus Nick! Money doesn't grow on trees you know!" Again he jumped down my throat.

"Sorry....you didn't have to yell though! I odn't know what the hell is going on with you Howie but your moods are getting ridiculous!"

Howie literally threw me another twenty. I mean he threw it at me. It hit me in the face. I was twenty dollar bill slapped! SO I did the only logical, at least in my mind, thing to do. I threw it right back at him, "You know what? Keep your damn money! I'll walk and have a glass of water"

I didn't wait for a reply I just charged out of there. "Damn!" I said when I realized how incredibly cold it was and how far of a walk I was giving myself. I got about as far as the high school before I went to a payphone and called Brent collect. He seemed to get a huge kick out it.

He picked me up and we were on our way to the Dakota. I almost didn't even recognize him with his buzz cut. When I last saw him, he had hair almost shoulder length. Now it was all gone save for about an inch all over.

"What's with the hair?" I asked feeling the top of his head. He bowed his head down so I could get the whole effect, "Just decided it was time to cut it Kaos! Besides the chicks love it!" I had to laugh, Brent always thought he was the ladies man to beat all ladies men. "And I suppose you have those ladies falling at your feet?"

"Yeah and other places as well if you catch my drift" He said sticking his tongue out and gyrating.

"You are an idiot!" I decided to start playing with his car radio, "So is Mark meeting us?"

"Yeah once he ditches his girlfriend"

"Girlfriend?"

"Uh huh actually he is already talking marriage. You believe that?"

"What?"

"I know crazy right? So what about you Kaos?"

"What about me?"

"Have you and Kelly gotten it on yet?"

"No, we decided to just be friends actually" I was not going to tell Brent about Kelly. She would never forgive me if I did.

We dropped the subject when we saw Mark waving at us from the front of the restaurant. I found myself having a warm feeling. I felt like I was coming home again.

We tried to get our usual table in the back corner, away from all the noise and commotion. The waitress smiled at us when we walked in, "We've missed seeing you boys here" She said while bringing us to the table right next to ours.

"I can't believe she actually remembered us" Brent whispered into my ear. Mark is the one that answered though, "Why wouldn't she? We gave these people half their business"

Once we took our seats I was able to take in the sight of my two best friends. College had done well for them, you could tell. I barely spoke to Mark since parting ways and you could tell by the obvious awkwardness felt between the two of us. He kept glancing over at me and smiling and I would do the same.

Brent was the glue for us, the one we both called bast friend. It used to drive me crazy when I was a kid. Actually I was jealous, always afraid that in the end it would be Mark he would chose leaving me out in the dust.

Brent looked incredible he really did. He had a bronze tan and new look of confidence. Kind of amazing for one who was already as confident as a tiger. We sat in silence for a few minutes before I finally decided to start things up, "So....Mark, Brent tells me you are thinking of getting married?"

He took a gulp of water and nodded, "Yeah, her name is Diana and she is the best. You guys would love her"

"Is she from here?"

"Nope she's a southern gal" There was his humor shining through. I had missed the way Mark could make me laugh. He spoke with a southern bell accent, "She is form Mississippi"

"What the heck is she doing here?" Brent asked impatiently waving the waitress over to our table.

"I brought her home to meet the parents" We both laughed.

"Shut the hell up...so what about you guys? Kaos I haven't heard from you in ages what's up with you?"

"Not too much" It saddened me how much that was true. I had nothing going on in my life at all! Not one thing.

"Ooh I made the football team guys. Did I tell you that?" We both looked over at Brent and smiled, "Congrats man"

"Thanks, I mean I'll be on the bench but at least it's something and this way I can be closer to Lila"

Mark winked and once again I hurt, knowing that Mark knew slightly more about Brent's life then I did. I wanted to ask about Lila but I also didn't want to let on that I was so in the dark so I just smiled and happily sipped away at my soda while the two of them talked.

I always had a talent for blending into a conversation. Making it appear I had added on more then I actually did. I always used this tactic with my family over big dinners or even at college when I would just try to observe these people to see if I wanted to be friends with them. I never thought I'd have to do it with these two guys.

They talked about their new roommates and the frats they were pledging. I wished that Amy was there to share a sly smile with. They talked about their courses and how much they wanted out of everything. Mostly they talked about their love lives! Their active sex drives and a few times I turned around embarrassed that someone was actually overhearing this conversation.

"You have been too quit Kaos" Mark finally said when his coffee arrived.

"Sorry"

"He had a fight with Howie"

"Oh, how is good old D these days?"

"Moody as all hell"

"Mom said he's been to the bank a lot recently"

"Yeah?" Brent's Mom worked as a teller for our local bank.

"She asked if everything was okay over at your place"

I popped an ice cube into my mouth, "Yeah it is why?"

He shrugged, "She just was wondering" And that was all their was to my part of the conversation. Mark managed to bring it back to him and his new set of friends. And I found myself becoming sad.

At the end of our meet Mark promised to get together one more time before second semester, which we never did and then Brent and I drove back to my place.

"Is everything all right man?" Brent asked turning the corner on High.

"Yeah...just didn't feel much like talking I guess"

"That's cool buddy. He grabbed me in a headlock, "So mom wanted me to invite you over for Christmas Eve. Actually you and Howie both"

"Aww that's so nice but we are going over to AJ's. We are leaving day after tomorrow and staying for a week maybe"

"Okay well tell J I said hello then"

He waved as he drove off and it began flurrying. I walked over to my front steps and decided to sit. I didn't feel like going inside. I was in a contemplative mood. It just felt like everything was changing and I had no control over it. I used to be so comfortable with Brent. I mean he was my farting friend. I could pass gas in front of him and not blink an eye. We'd get a good laugh over it. Something changed in our dynamic, our conversations were friendly but forced. I did feel like maybe he had chosen Mark over me. They were moving in one direction, and I was going the other; and that hurt.

I felt the same way about Howie. I never felt uncomfortable walking into a house when it was just Howie and I. Why did I feel that way now? There were times when I would come home from hanging out with those two guys, that I would never want the night to end because eventually that meant having to come back home to dad and a very depressed Mel. I hated that feeling and yet it was that same feeling that was preventing me from turning the doorknob and walking inside.

Knowing he was probably watching me from inside, I decided to go ahead in. I swiped off the flurries from my shoulder and stepped inside. The whole house was dark. I decided I needed to talk to Howie now, find out what was going on with us. Confront what was happening head on, so I went up the steps to his room and knocked on the door.

When he didn't answer I started to get scared so I pounded. Still nothing. I had visions of him lying on the floor dead because of me perhaps? But in a panic I opened the door to see an empty bed.

He had left without so much as a note.

I sat on his bed and sighed, everything was changing and I didn't like it.

I never know which way is up...you know what I mean?



Deck The Halls With Mashed Potatoes...


Before I knew it I was on my way back to AJ's, this time for a whole week with the rest of my family. I was overwhelmed at first. I mean it had been a while since I had seen them all in one room together. And of course the holidays meant one thing. Dad was back! The day after my blow out with Howie, if you can call it that, we went to go pick up my father at his home.

I had fallen asleep in Howie's bed and was kicked awake by him the next morning.

"Why were sleeping in my bed? I had to get stuck sleeping on the couch"

"Sorry I didn't even realize I was in here"

"Don't you think you're a little too old to climb into bed with me these days Nick?"

"I said sorry jeez! Where the hell were you last night?"

"Not important"

And that was the end of that. We kind of avoided each other until the time had come to grab dad. Naturally it was me that had to go in there and get him. I walked in to a bunch of elderly crazy people...oh my mistake i'm supposed to call them mentally ill. Anyway I walked in to them singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer while clapping and playing tambourines.

Dad was right in the middle of it all. When he saw me he waved me over and stopped everyone, "Hey it's my son...Nick start us off on a chorus of Santa Clause is Coming To Town"

"Dad we have to go, Howie's waiting in the car"

"Aww don't be a spoil sport come on... You better watch out!" He started screaming the song. I couldn't help but laugh. I kind of liked the blissfully happy crazy man as opposed to the mean one.

"Dad come on...Howie will be mad"

"Oh alright fine...bye everyone see ya in a week" They all clapped for him. It was odd.

As we walked out and got into the car his mood changed, almost as quickly as Howie's had. "So how long until we get there?"

"We just got on the road dad so it'll be awhile" Howie said sighing heavily and turning on the radio. My stomach started churning.

The ride wasn't quite as bad as I had imagined it would be and we made it without anything major happening. By the time we got there Brian and his family had already arrived and were sitting in the living room catching up with each other while huddled around Sarah, rubbing her belly.

Brian ran over to me and grabbed me in a huge hug almost knocking me off my feet. It felt nice to be missed. "Boo!!!" I laughed, "Get off me idiot!" He kissed me on the cheek and let me go. "How was the ride college boy?" I shrugged, "I'm a little tired"

"You look good...hon doesn't he look good?" Leighanne looked up from her seat next to Sarah and winked at me, "Yes hi sweetheart" I walked over and gave her a kiss when I felt a small tug on my pant leg, "Up" Baylee said and I was happy to oblige. My godson was growing too. Almost looking identical to his daddy.

"Tee" He said pointing to the huge but fake Christmas tree that AJ had in his living room.

"Yup and I bet there's a present or two for you under there"

"Me"

"You" I poked at his belly and he giggled. Suddenly the churning in my stomach was all but gone replaced with love. "Hey is Kevin here yet?" I asked gently swaying Baylee in my arms as I talked. Now I yearned for my nieces as well. The Carter kids were the one thing that was right about this family.

"Not yet, I think he's getting here later tonight"

"Cool deal!" I said turning Baylee upside down and blowing on his stomach.

"Nick be careful he just ate" Leighanne warned. I stopped but not because I was afriad the kid would puke on me but because of the nervous look in his mom's eyes.

I gently placed him on the floor where he woddled over to his mom and she picked him up and placed him on her lap. "Nicky come here sweetheart" Sarah said grabbing at my hand and placing it on her belly. "The baby has been kicking all morning" I crouched down next to her and leaned my face into her stomach which made Brian laugh, "What are you doing? He's not going to start talking to you from in there you know"

"What makes you so sure it's a HE?" Sarah moved my hand further down her stomach to an area that would have otherwise been off limits but then I felt it. A tiny kick, I gasped and Leighanne awed at me. She awed at me.

I looked up at Sarah and she smiled down at me, "I think she's going to be a fiesty one"

"Yeah just like her mother" I couldn't resist. She pat my head and laughed. I stood up and looked around, "Where did D and AJ go?"

"I think they're out getting the bags" I nodded to Brian, "I guess I should go help otherwise i'll never here the end of it" I walked out the door and stopped when I heard my name.

"Nick will just have to understand" I backed up a little.

"He shouldn't have to understand AJ"

"Yeah well sometimes life is tough you know Howie? You can't keep it from him forever"

"Why not?"

"Because you're starting to resent him for it"

"No i'm not"

"Yes you are D. I can totally tell, you have this way about you with him nowadays"

"I'm doing the best I can AJ!" He shouted that and I moved closer to the wall, wishing I could dissolve right through it.

"Easy Howie...see? It's changing you. Please you have to tell him"

"How do I do that?" I wanted to know the answer as badly as Howie did.

"Want me to tell him?"

"No...i'll tell him but after Christmas. I mean college is his life AJ"

"It'll work out D. He can always go back next year" I moved along the side of the house not even caring how weird it might have looked to anyone who might be watching. I needed to get as far away from that as possible. It's funny because prior to my eavesdropping, I was worried that something was wrong with Howie. Hearing AJ say college was my life and I could always go back next year, scared me possibly more then any disease ever could.

I wanted answers but yet I didn't. It would have been so easy for me to just interrupt them and ask them what the hell was going on but I couldn't. I knew whatever it was would be bad. What hurt even more was hearing that Howie resented me. Had I known that all along? Yes I think I did, but something about actually hearing it verbalized just made it all too true.

"I thought you were going to help with the luggage" I jumped at the sound of Brian's voice.

"They took care of it" I wish I knew my way around New Jersey because I wanted out of there like no ones business. I needed to run away and think, pull what I had just heard together and make some sense of it.

"Is everything alright?" I looked over to Brian who had a look of concern on his face. "Yeah sorry...I just forgot I left something at home"

He smiled, "We can probably just replace it for you"

"Yeah....maybe"

"Well you gonna come in? It's cold out here" He pulled my sleeve and I followed him inside. I couldn't even make eye contact with Howie when I passed him. "AJ can I use your phone?"

"Sure who are you calling you're sexy honey bunny?"

"Um...no I just need to call Brent"

"Honestly Nick can't that wait? I mean it's a long distance call" Howie snapping at me again.

"Chill D. Sure Boo go ahead, you can use the phone in our room"

"Thanks" I turned and ran up the steps.

I shut the door and even locked it. I knew I needed to make this call to get the answers I needed. I called information and got the number for the Bursars office at my college.

I was connected to about three different people when the one before hand couldn't answer my questions. It always amazed me how little the people who worked at a college actually knew about you. To them you were nothing but a social security number. By the time I got hooked up to MY finacial aid advisor I had been on hold for about thirty minutes, listening to some song horribly destorted my Muzak. That is great going insane music right there.

The guy told me soemthing I didn't want to hear. He said there was a problem with my scholarship. See the only way I was able to go to Boston was because my essay had earned me a full ride or so I thought, but turns out the scholarship I recieved was one given to kids who have no parents. I vaguely remember checking off the box saying deceased when they asked for my parents information. I mean Mom was and dad was all but dead when it came to helping me.

According to WIlliam, yes by the end of the conversation the finiancial aid advisor and I were good ole buddies... anyway according to him, The college contacted Howie about the mistake in Octboer and reduced the amount to less then half. In a panic Howie made them put the full amount in one semester which was this first one. Meaning come next semester I had nothing!

William said I could take out an even bigger student loan but it wouldn't be anough to cover the cost of tuition. I was screwed.

I got off the phone with him and just sat there stunned. M stomach fluttering and my hands numb. How could something like that happen to me? Why? Why always me? There was no way I was not going back. Even if I had to live in a box in the parking lot I was not staying home.

"Nick....dinner" I vaguely heard one of the women shout up to me. I still just sat there, my brain going into overdrive. Trying to brainstorm a way out of this mess. How could Howie not tell me about that? I sat there and stewed and the more I did the angrier I got.

By the time I was called down by AJ I was livid. I should have stayed upstairs at that point, just kept ignoring them, lock myself in the bathroom and calm the hell down but rational thought was all but gone.

Yup by the time I got down those steps I was ready to kill and the main focus of my rage was none other then Howie. The traitor, he hated me so much he probably WANTED to screw me over. Maybe that was it. He resented my happiness and figured he wanted me to be as miserable as he was.

I sat down at the table across form Howard and refused to looks his way. We were having a regular feast of roastbeef, stuffed mushrooms, mashed potatoes and homemade rolls.

They talked about boring stuff mostly kids and family. I just sat quietly and ate not even looking at anyone. "So how is good old Brent these days?" It took me a minute to realize that Brian was talking to me. "Oh...he's good. Really happy at college. College is a great place to be" I thought i'd add that in for good measure. "I hope you ween't talking to him this whole time" Howie said bitingly.

"No I wasn't" I smiled short and sarcastically. Suddenly the vibe at the table was uneasy all you heard was the clanging of silverware and dad's snorting as he ate. It was one habit he had that always wore thin on my nerves. He was the loudest eater I had ever heard.

"SO Nicky have a girlfriend yet?" Since when was everyone interested in my life? Sometimes I think I could die before anyone asked about me but then the one time I wish they would all leave me alone they can't know enough suddenly.

"I'm not seeing anyone" I smiled at Leigh. I guess I should have been grateful she even asked.

"Isn't that girl you used to date up there?"

"Yeah but we're just friends"

Howie was shifting uncomfortably in his seat during the college talk. AJ kept glancing over at him as did Sarah who quickly changed the subject, "So Kristin told me that her and Kevin are trying to have another baby"

"Great another kid! Jeez what are they? Freaking rabbits?" I don't even have to say who that was do I?

"Dad enough" I shook my head.

"Nick tell me about school" I looked over at Brian realizing that maybe he had no clue what was going on either. "I love school in fact when i'm there I am completely happy. It's the one place in my life I feel content. I don't know what i'd do without it" I know it was mean. Doing the whole guilt trip thing but I couldn't help it. I wanted Howie to hurt. And he was. He didn't look up at me while I talked. Just sat there solemn and expressionless. "I don't know what I would do if I didn't have college"

"I have a feeling you would manage Nick" AJ said, trying to shift gears again.

"I don't think so... I mean I am finally happy and settled. I feel like I am getting to know who I am. Nothing can beat that feeling"

"Aww that's great Nicky. I'm so happy for you kiddo" Brian said winking over at me. I didn't look at him because I was focused on Howie. I swear it looked like he was about to cry. He put down his fork and left the table, "Excuse me for a minute" He said abruptly getting up to leave. For what it's worth I wanted to take my fork full of mashed potatoes and fling them at his face. Call him a traitor and how I knew nothing would make him happier then to see me down.

But I didn't. Instead I excused myself, said I had to go to the bathroom.

"Nicky" I stopped when AJ called to me. I knew what he was going to say, "We need to talk later"

I started to walk away, "I know" I muttered under my breath.

I noticed Howie sitting outside on the porch and as tempted as I was to go out and talk to him, I didn't. He ruined my life. I mean now I know he dnd't but at the time...yes definetly did. I sighed and made my way upstairs while my father started a chirus of Deck the Halls in the background.

Confused and always quick to blame everyone all the time...


Always a Loser...Always


While upstairs, I tried to brainstorm ways I could manage to go to college. Was there anyone I knew that could help pay for me? Anyone who maybe owed me a favor? Maybe I could ask Brent's family for a loan. They seemed like nice peple. I know they had money and i'd pay them back. Maybe if everyone pitched in they could all afford to help me out.

I suddenly felt like I needed to be back home, not here where I was left helpless to my cause. Maybe if I went home I could call as many people as possible, maybe even Mario would be willing to help me out. I could sell him my soul, offer to work for nothing for the rest of my life at his pizza place.

I had to go back to school. I couldn't stay home, I was supposed to be winning the battle. Not losing it to my sad pathetic life.

AJ knocked on the bedroom door, his own bedroom that I seemed to overtake.

"Hey Nick can I come in for a second?"

What was I going to say? No sorry even though I know this is your house and all, I need my thinking time. He didn't wait for an answer, he asked more as a warning that he was going to enter. I should have expected as much. I smiled at him, and he closed the door.

"Hey...can I talk to you for a sec" Here it was. I thought he would've at least waited until after Christmas.

"Sure" I pat the bed next to me, trying to act like I didn't know what he was going to say.

He sat down and took a cigarette out, "I wasn't going to be the one to tell you this, it was Howie's job"

"Since when did speaking to me become Howie's job?" I asked bitingly. He exhaled a puff of smoke, "I didn't mean it like that"

"That's how it came out though" I guess I didn't want to make this easier on him either.

"Okay...you're right. Sorry I didn't mean that"

"I know"

"There was a problem at school...with your scholarship" I gave him credit. He didn't beat around the bush, he didn't try to sugar coat anything, sweet talk me through the bad news, he was blunt. That was AJ.

"I know, I heard you and Howie talking" He took a few more puffs of his cigarette.

"I had a feeling you did...it's not Howie's fault you know. You shouldn't be so hard on him"

"How am I being hard on him? According to you he resents me"

"By putting that guilt trip on him during dinner" Once again my big brother one ups me. He knew exactly what I was doing.

"He deserved it for hiding it from me"

"He doesn't deserve anything from you but respect! Which you greatly lacked at dinner"

"Please don't play dad with me AJ, I know you're going to be a daddy but you aren't mine" I stood up and he grabbed my arm, "Nick...stop acting like a child. Sometimes you don't get what you want. You just have to deal with it. This isn't the end of the world kiddo. It's not lilke you can't go to college anywhere. Just not there"

"It's easy for you to say I guess huh? You got to go to college but you quit. You wasted you're tuition money when it could have gone to me!" I guess Howie wasn't the only resentful one.

He didn't argue, he dropped my arm. "I'm sorry you keep getting screwed Nick"

"I'm not getting screwed this time AJ. I'm going back to school"

"Okay i'm not going to fight with you. I know you're upset but please Nick, for me and Sarah no fighting okay? When you get back home you can rip each other's heads off but not here"

I didn't know how to respond to that. I laughed, he was trying to be funny. What else could I do besides laugh? Cry? Scream? Hurt somebody?

"I am assuming that Brian has no idea?"

"Not yet, you know how D is...he wanted to work everything out before he told you or anybody else"

"He told you"

"Actually he didn't. He told Sarah" That suprised me a little bit.

"He didn't know what else to do Nick. He knew Sarah was great with finances so he called her up in a moment of desperation. Asked her how to go about refinancing a house"

"Did he do that?" I sat back down on the bed while my chain smoking brother lit up once again.

"They wouldn't let him. Said that he didn't make enough money"

"How did he manage to redecorate the house?" It's not like I didn't believe AJ because I did but still I wanted to find a kink. I wanted to be mad at Howie.

"I think he won a bet, he put some aside for you but the rest he decided to do something for himself so he bought new furniture. It is okay for him to actually want to do something for himself isn't it Nick?"

I looked away, "Of course it is. I was only asking"

"It's killing him that he can't help you out more, as it is he can barely help himself. He's even been working at a second job to help you out but he didn't want you to know"

"He has?" AJ nodded, "I think he's working at a stupid convenient store on a night shift"

"What should I do AJ?" I turned to look at him knowing I looked desperate.

"Nick if I had the money I would help, but I don't. I'm so sorry" He placed a hand on my shoulder.

"It's not your fault" but I indirectly blamed all of them. He stood up probably realizing that I needed some alone time. "I'm going to tell Howie I just told you. I'm going to leave out the part about you already knowing" I nodded. "He'll probaby want to come up and talk to you is that okay?" I nodded again. "Don't tell B or Kevin okay? They'll just worry" I looked up at AJ, "I know"

"I'm really sorry again kid"

"So am I"

After he left I just sat there almost in a dream like trance. How weird it was that I had a brief thought about my mother in that time. Why did I think of her? I have no idea. But she is the one that popped into my head. I pictured her sitting at the kitchen table telling my father how important it was for them to save money for my college education. How it was the thing to do when you had children. Put some money aside because it's everyones dream to go to college.

Then she took the money and shoved it in her pockets. Nevermind he's not important anyway. Let's just piss it away like we piss everything away. Screw Nick! He doesn't matter.

They both started laughing and pointing at me then.

I turned away from my thoughts trying to get that feeling of betrayal out of my head. It's not like this was supposed to happen. But Kevin got to go to college in Boston at a school that was even MORE expensive then the one I was attending. Kevin got help from mom and dad. Kevin got help from my rich uncle before he disowned us because of my parents craziness. Now why is it I can't go to a school that was less then five miles away from where Kevin went?

My horrible downward spiral of thoughts were interrupted by the door half opening and Howie sticking his head in. "Can I come in?"

I nodded and smiled deciding that maybe this wasn't Howie's fault anymore, now it was Kevin's.

He came over and slowly sat down next to me, "Nicky, I wish I knew what to say. AJ said you were upset and I don't blame you not one bit"

Do you blame me?" I had to ask. Before I gave him a chance to answer I added, "Do you resent me?" He placed his arm around my neck pushing my hair out of my face as he did. "Why would you ask me that?"

"I would resent me if I were you. Working two jobs just so I could go to college"

"AJ told you that? He wasn't supposed to"

"You should have. D I thought we had decided not to keep anything from each other anymore. The second you found out about this you should have told me!"

He moved his arm away from me then and I saw tears in his eyes, "I know"

"God Howie i'm sorry. Don't get that upset" Funny that at the table I wanted to see his tears but now they made me feel like a lost lonely kid.

"How can I not? All I do is fail you every chance I get"

"What? Howie I am an adult. You aren't failing anybody"

"We will think of something okay Nicky?" He was scaring me. He was Melissa. The way he was acting, him losing it like that. Too similar.

"You know what Howie, something will work out but it's Christmas so let's not worry about it, okay?"

"Of course I will worry about it" He said finally calming himself down. Now it was I who put a consoling hand around my big brother. "I know you will but don't. I am a master at brainstorming. I'll think of something"

"Maybe uncle Benny..." He said before stopping himself

"I don't even think he knows who I am Howie"

"Yes he does Nick, he's your godfather" When was he going to understand that the word father in the Carter house was more a figure of speech. Kind of like when you say to someone what's up without ever expecting or wanting an answer.

"Okay Howie, maybe we'll try him" I pat his back now, smiling the most genuine smile I could come up with.

We both heard a commotion from downstairs, "That must be Kevin" He said wiping the last of his tears and standing up. "Yeah probably" I rolled my eyes at my new found contempt of Kevin.

What Howie said next didn't help either, "Nicky promise me you won't mention this to Kevin. I don't want him thinking I messed things up again"

"Sure Howie, no worries" I said as we walked downstairs and greeted our eldest brother. The one with all of the luxuries that I got screwed out of.

My mood brightened a little at the sight of Tessa and Amber as they ran half way up the steps to greet Howie and I, "Uncle Nicky...uncle Howie" They screamed as they sailed upwards towards us. I sat down on the step and let Tessa jump into my lap as she hugged and kissed me ending the kiss with a rasberry. "Ewww you're gross!" I kidded as I lifted her shirt and did the same thing to her belly. Howie had picked up Amber and was heading down the steps with her in his hands big smile on his face as if he hadn't had a moment of weakness at all.

Kevin shook my hand and gave me a half hug since his 7 year old was in the way, clinging to my leg the way I had always wished I could do to him. "You look great" He said and winked at his daughter as she held onto me.

I walked over to Kris and hugged her tight. "Hi sweetheart" She let go and kissed me on the cheek.

I pulled back to look at his happy family. Thinking that if by some random chance of fate I could have been the first born, the one standing there with the perfect life and he could be dealing with the effects of being an eternal loser. struggling for every single thing I wanted to achieve. Knowing deep down inside there was never a way out.

"Hey Nick will you grab the bags on the porch?" I looked over at Kevin and smiled, "Sure no problem"

The hatred I felt for him at that moment was just awful. There was no reason for it but it was still there. Seething inside of me waiting to burst.

"Uncle Nick I love you" I looked down at Tessa, the oldest in her family now. Would Amber be thinking the same way I was one day? Would Tessa get all the benefits while Amber got the short end of the stick?

"I love you too" I said bending down and picking her up. She got a little bigger since the last time I had seen her and I actually had to bend my knees to grab her.

There was no way that would ever happen because Kevin is a good father. He would always make sure his daughters had everything they ever needed. I put Tessa down and grabbed the bags. "What do you have in here the kitchen sink?"

She giggled, "Yeah"

I knew at that moment it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. I was just dealt a horrible hand. Never meant to get anywhere or achieve anything. I walked into AJ's house with Kevin's luggage in one hand, Tessa's hand in the other, knowing I was never going to be happy.

Feeling like I don't have a friend in the world…


The Lonely Boy



The week that was spent over at my brother’s house could best be summed up in one word; awkward. I know it’s sad that I still feel like that but I looked at these guys and their happy wives and kids and I just didn’t feel like I had anything more in common with them then my last name.

I kept my distance from Kevin that first day and I also knew he realized that. He didn’t say anything but I could tell by the suspicious glares he was sending my way. It’s weird really because besides an occasional jealous thought when it came to Leigh, I never allowed myself to be jealous of them.

Now it was different. Something in me turned and every word out of their mouths just made me feel nothing but contempt for them. Any little complaint of I never get time alone anymore because the kids follow me everywhere to I wish we sometimes had moved to Los Angeles. The weather was so much nicer there.

All simple meant without the least bit of malice, but what I took from it was “just reminding you how happy we are and that never in your life will you feel that”

I took the time at AJ’s to just figure things out. What the heck was I supposed to do now? I felt like I was at another dead end. Is it right for an 18 year old to hit so many dead ends?

“Eighteen” I said out loud sitting outside on the porch once again. I enjoyed the solitude it gave me. The coldness of mid December helping my brain to think. I was 18 already and what did I have to show for it? Not a damn thing. I looked at Brent and Mark and they were both well on the way to becoming the men their parents always wanted them to be.

“Parents… pfft” I moved my legs to the bottom step feeling the pins and needles starting to crawl from my feet all the way up to my knees.

“Hey” I turned around to find Ricky of all people looking at me from the screen door.

Yes Ricky had arrived the day after Kevin and since she was here Howie was the happiest I have seen him. They took a lot of walks those two, probably their way to escape the family. Walking away hand in hand Ricky’s head on my brother’s shoulders.

“Hi” I turned back around to the front, it was icy cold now and the slight pinkness of the sky showed snow was coming soon.

The door creaked open and a waft of cocoa hit my nose. She sat down and handed me a cup, “I figured you’d be cold and would need this”

“Thanks” I grabbed the cup from her and enjoyed the instant warmth it gave my hands.

“The kids have been asking for you”

“They have?” I blew on the coca now watching my breath make ripples as the marshmallows fought to stay afloat.

“Yup, you’re quite the popular uncle in there. Those kids love you to death!”

“Eh, that’s because I still give them pony rides” She chuckled. I forgot how much I loved her laugh. I couldn’t help but smile.

“How are you doing sweetie? I miss our little talks we used to have”

I nodded, “Yeah I do too. I’m doing good. What about yourself?”

“I’m sorry about college”

“Don’t be it’s not your fault” Yet but don’t worry by the end of the day I’ll figure out a way to blame you!

She placed an arm around me, “Still, I’m sorry”

“Well that’s how the ball bounces I guess”

“Howie has been trying his…” I stopped her by pulling away.

“It doesn’t really make me feel better to know that he’s been working like a dog to try to help me out”

“He just loves and cares about you Nick. He worries all the time” At first when she started talking about my brother’s deep concern I was grateful thinking how cool of her to try to make me feel better. But as the conversation went on I began to realize the words coming out of her mouth weren’t for consolation, more for blame.

“He shouldn’t worry, I’m an adult”

“You’re only 18 but it wouldn’t matter if you were 18 or 80. He would still worry”

The words themselves didn’t sound harsh, just the tone of her voice. Cold and annoyed, much the same way I sound like when I talk to or about Leighanne.

“He loves you Ricky” She paused, a slight pause only pulling her legs closer to her body to keep warm.

“He loves you more” So much for being subtle, jeez in all the years Brian was with Leigh I had never said anything like that to her. Now here was Ricky just blurting those words out as if it was fact.

“That’s not true Rick…you need to see him when you’re not around, he’s moody and sulky. You make him smile”

“I’m worried about him Nick” The goosebumps started on my arms and ran all the way up my back.

“He’s just not the same, there’s an unhappiness to him that wasn’t there before” Nodding I took another sip of cocoa. Until now I had hoped Howie’s change in behavior was just my overactive imagination.

"I want to take him away…”

"Away where?”

“I don’t know…maybe a vacation somewhere just the two of us or even see if he wants to move back in with me”

“Oh…well a vacation sounds good”

She put her cocoa down on the ground and I felt her arm on mine, “What do you think about him moving in with me?”

What do I say to that exactly? What I really think or what she wants to hear? “Have you talked to him about it?”

She moved her hand away from mine, “He said he doesn’t want to leave you with no home”

I have become very used to that accusing tone. I have heard it my whole life. All the things people had to sacrifice because I made the mistake of being born, silly me.

“He doesn’t have to worry about me. Tell him to do what he wants”

“Maybe you should tell him that”

I was not about to give my brother permission to run away from here. “Yeah maybe I will” I took one final gulp of my cocoa licking at the few marshmallows sticking to the bottom. My insides had warmed but there was still a chill in the air, not from the weather either.

She stood up, “Good, I think that’s all he needs is your permission. Then he can start living his own life…you know?”

I’m sure she didn’t mean it as an insult although I’m not sure how you could NOT take what she said as one. She wanted what was best for my brother and even though I didn’t want to admit it, Ricky was what was best for him.

I felt a droplet of moisture fall on my nose, it was snowing. “Guess it’s time to come out of hiding again” I stood up and went inside.

Inside was chaotic as compared to what it was like on the porch. So peaceful and quiet. The second the door opened I was hit with the sounds of children playing. The burst of warm air made me shiver,

“Here comes frosty now” AJ kidded from the couch where he sat next to Kristin showing her pictures.

“Frosty?”

“Yeah because you seem to love being outside in subzero weather”

“Not anymore, it’s snowing”

“Tessa! Watch Baylee… make sure he doesn’t hurt himself” Leigh yelled from the kitchen. Naturally she would be in there but the waft of cinnamon and sugar almost made my mouth salivate.

“Okay” Was accompanied by a small child’s giggle. Tessa was trying to pick Baylee up off the floor and landed on a heap tickling his belly instead. Of course little sister was right there laughing along with their grandfather. My dad seemed to transform in front of the kids. He sat on the chair beside them trying to tickle at Amber’s foot as she pulled away.

“What’s she making?”

“I don’t know but it smells good” I took my long scarf off and wrapped it around my coat, “Sarah is in there with her so you should go check and make sure whatever it is isn’t done because well you know…my honey bunny has turned into a garbage compactor”

Kristin laughed and hit AJ on the shoulder.

When I walked into the kitchen the conversation stopped. Gotta love that, when you walk into a room and everything halts. Makes you feel just peachy. “Hi”

“Hello there” Leigh was scooping balls of cookie dough onto trays.

“What are you making? It smells great”

“Snicker doodles” I put my finger in the bowl and promptly got my hand smacked.

“Where’s your husband?” She handed me a finished cookie. It was still warm and gooey.

“I think he’s with Kevin doing something. Not sure what. They’re down in the basement”

“Lord help us if they are trying to fix something down there” Leigh laughed at Sarah who had her mouth around a cookie dough filled spoon.

I was in awe of how great the cookies were and reached behind Leighanne to grab another one, “These are incredible”

She smiled surprised by my comment. “Thanks”

I winked at her and made my way down the steps. I heard laughter as I descended and then once again quiet.

“Hey Nick” Turns out they were playing cards the two of them. “Are you playing Go Fish or something?”

“Something like that….HA! Pay up old man” Kevin disgustedly threw a five dollar bill at Brian who was gloating.

“Poker? You guys are playing poker?”

“Yup”

“Where’s D?” I pulled up a chair next to Brian and sat myself down. They were munching on pretzels and beer.

“He’s was supposed to deal the next hand!” Kevin turned his head and shouted to the laundry room.

“I take it he’s in there then?”

“Yup canoodling with Ricky”

“Oh”

“Canoodling Kev? You crack me up”

“Just shut up and deal B”

I laughed and went to grab an unopened beer can. “Not so fast there buddy but nice try” Kevin slapped my hand and I pulled it away.

“Ouch! Come on? It’s the holidays”

“Oh yeah it’s the holidays a great reason to let you drink. Uh no, but nice try”

“Can I at least play?”

“Go see if Howie is in or not, if not then you can take his place”

“Fine” I stood up and walked over to the laundry room and there in the corner was my brother, the neat well kempt brother mind you, in the midst of making out with his girlfriend as if he were in high school.

I didn’t bother to interrupt them but I did stare for just a minute, realizing that Howie was genuinely happy with Ricky. Their lips parted and they held onto each other smiling. I tried to walk away unnoticed but to no avail, “Nicky…” I turned at her voice.

“Hey buddy what’s up?”

I just smiled at them, Ricky’s hands wrapped around Howie’s waist. “Nothing, just seeing what you were up to”

“Oh a little bit of this and that” Ricky said grabbing my brother close and kissing him on his cheek. She gave me a look, I’m not sure if Howie picked up on it but I did. It was a look that said; See how happy I make him? Let me take him away from all the misery Nick.

She was right though, I couldn’t even argue.

“I’ll see you guys later” I winked at them, but inside my heart was breaking. I knew what I had to do; I had to give Howie permission to fly away. Suddenly I didn’t feel much like playing poker or drinking beer while eating cookies.

Walking back out to Brian and Kevin I heard the unmistakable cussing of AJ. He had come and taken Howie’s place and was already in the middle of a game where apparently he had just lost.

“Well? Is he coming back?”

I shook my head, “No, he’s moved onto to better things” The all shook their heads and smirked but I was talking about so much more.

“Are you going to play or what?” Brian asked motioning for me to sit back down.

“Nah, I think I’m going to go outside again. I just love it out there”

“You are nuts kid. You’re going to end up with pneumonia”

“It’s snowing so don’t stay out too long okay?” Kevin’s fatherly advice cutting through the smoke as AJ lit up a cigarette.

“Okay” I just stood and watched the scene of three of my brothers all playing poker together. Laughing and joking while their wives were upstairs cooking. Melissa would have loved this scene. She would have soaked it in like a sponge. Howie snuggling with the love of his life and dad playing with his grandkids, it almost made us look normal and happy even.

There was no room for me in that picture though. Now I knew that, I smiled despite that final thought and headed for the great outdoors once again.

No one there to help me…



The Godfather



After my meeting with Ricky and my realization that things were only to go downhill from that point on, I decided to take a ‘fuck it’ attitude and have a good time. I spent the remaining few days at AJ’s… happy and smiley, refusing to think about anything other then the looks on my nieces and godson’s face when they opened up their presents from their uncle Nick.

Despite all the drama that was my life, I managed to have a great Christmas. Everyone was civil, even my dad who continued to hang with the kids and try his best to be a grandfather. Thankfully Brian decided not to punch me in the face this year maybe because all I got him was a leather wallet. I learned my lesson about extravagance after last time.

Leighanne of course got a porcelain goose to go along with the duck she got last year. I think I just enjoyed giving her those kind’s of things just to get a reaction out of her.

Since my family is so good at secret keeping, all of my presents were school related which broke Howie’s heart even more than mine. Kevin and Kris bought me the absolute coolest Lava lamp. I gave him props because he is so typically UNcool that I wasn’t even sure he knew what one of those was. It was a huge one with blue and red on the inside... must have cost a fortune. I felt the dimmest twinge of anger at that. Wanting to lash out briefly and say “With the money you spent on this I could have put about $100 bucks down towards college.”

In fact that is what mostly crept through my mind as I opened all of my presents. Not that any of them were really expensive but still it adds up you know?

All in all after the presents were opened and the food firmly stuck to our ribs, I’d have to say this Christmas was a good one. Well despite that fact that my life was turned upside down, but then again when wasn’t it?

By the time Howie and I got back to our home in Pennsylvania, I was a nervous wreck. The second we had gotten in the car he apologized to me for not telling everyone, “But you understand why right?” I of course nodded.

Then he said what I knew was going to be my last hope. I didn’t want it to be but it was, and that was “When we get back, maybe you should call Uncle Benny”

Uncle Benny was my mother’s older brother. He made his money in the grocery business, working hard for every penny. As a man he had a great work ethic and treated his own children like gold. Yes I was jealous of them as well. It was hard going to family functions and seeing all that his three daughters had while we had nothing. Luckily by the time I was old enough to realize that, our little family get togethers had gone by the waste side.

My mother and Benny were very close as children, so the legend goes anyway. He always stuck up for her and gave her everything she ever wanted. The perfect big brother should we tell us just as he called to cancel on her for one event or the other.

He greatly disapproved of my mother’s relationship with some loser named John Carter. He had said “This guy is going to drag you down Jo…you just wait and see”

Seems like our Uncle Benny was also very intuitive.

There is a story that Kevin always liked to tell about the first time my Uncle met my father. He had walked my mother home from a date, of course because his license had been suspended due to drunk driving. Mom didn’t know that at the time though. Anyway, dad had walked mom home in a snow shower. To keep his feet from getting wet he wore a pair of rubber boots. Benny insisted that he take those stupid things off before he walked into the house to which my father bit his tongue.

They ate dinner under the watchful eye of Benny and his own father who also didn’t much like my dad. Asked dad why he wasn’t working yet and what direction his life was taking him. I guess by that time my dad had broken into profuse sweating from being scrutinized. Happy to have made it through the meal, he kissed my mother on the check to show what a gentlemen he was and made his way out of the apartment.

Supposedly after my father left, they were all sitting at the kitchen table taking turns letting my mother know that maybe this John guy wasn’t so perfect for her after all. That’s when they heard all sorts of interesting profanity coming from the hallway. Benny walked over and opened the door to find my father still sitting in the hallway trying to get his rubber boots back on his feet.

“Were you listening in on us boy?” Benny stood with hands folded angry as all hell.

“No, I just can’t get my Mother fucking boots on!”

I believe at that point mom out of sheer embarrassment ran into her room crying as Benny and my grandfather slammed the door in my father’s face calling him a “joik!” At least that is how Benny says it.

His strong Bronx accent coming through loud and clear and also Kevin’s favorite part of the story, “You stupid joik!!” He would imitate which would send us all rolling to the floor.

Benny was our savior many many times, always bailing us out of our financial problems. There were times that he would pay a mortgage payment when dad was unable too or buy us school clothes so we wouldn’t look like peasant children. He never yelled at my mother but he did gradually lessen his visits. He would never call us anymore or send cards or presents. He became more of a charitable donor then an uncle.

Benny helped all of the others with college, agreeing to co sign student loans since our own miserable parents couldn’t even do that much for us. He practically paid for all of Kevin’s schooling plus helped with the down payment on his house.

By the time I was old enough to realize how cool having an Uncle Benny could be he had all but abandoned us. That of course had happened when mom checked out of dodge. There was no reason for him to be nice anymore but for a while he still was. Would occasionally call my dad to see how things were.

The ironic thing is I probably know him least out of all of us. Why is it ironic? Because he’s my Godfather. He never wanted the burden of being anyone’s godfather he had told my mom as she popped baby after baby out.

He understood what a big responsibility it was and wasn’t sure if he could live up to it. By the time I came along he had finally softened up to the idea and he became my Godfather. Everyone was so jealous supposedly, “How unfair is it that Boo gets such a cool Godfather?”

Yeah real cool.

I think I can count on one hand the times he has actually talked to me. I know it’s not his fault and I never openly complained to anyone about it. He was our savior supposedly. Without Benny where would we be? In a cardboard box that’s where.

I never reaped the benefits though. To me he was no more than some random guy who was related to me.

So hearing Howie say those words made me cringe just slightly. How do I ask a man who is just about a stranger to me for money for college and not just a little money but a lot of money?

“Nicky I’m sure he’ll help as much as he can. He’s your godfather and he loves you”

“He doesn’t even know me Howie”

“You don’t have to really know someone to love them” You had to love my brother’s logic there. I wish I could think that way. I bet I wouldn’t have an ulcer.

“Come on Howie…I couldn’t just call him out of the blue and beg him for money” I couldn’t but maybe Howie could. “You think you can make that call for me?” He turned towards me a little surprised.

“Me?”

“Yeah he knows you D and I know he has helped you out before. Maybe you can call him for me”

“Nick…”

“Please D? I’m desperate. I can’t do it. I don’t know him”

Howie paused for a few moments and then nodded at me. “I’ll give him a call after dinner” I grabbed him in a hug, “Thank you so much Howie”

“Don’t thank me it’s my fault you are in this mess in the first place”

“This isn’t your fault D”

“Well then whose is it?”

I thought about it for a second then smiled, “Okay it’s your fault. It’s always your fault” I was kidding and the smile on his face made me laugh.

Maybe everything would work out after all.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After dinner I sat across from Howie nervously tapping my fingers against the table as he dialed my uncle’s house. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of asking for money, that I didn’t even want to be in the room when Howie did it. He made me sit there though. If he was going to make the call the least I could do would be to sit there like a man and wait out an answer.

Then it occurred to me how much what this man said was riding on my future. I looked at this call as my last hope, maybe that’s why I couldn’t make it myself. Maybe that’s why I didn’t even want to be in earshot of the answer. I was petrified and because I was, I stretched my arm across the table and hung up on Howie after he just finished dialing.

“What the heck are you doing Nick?”

“I need to time to think this through before you make this call”

“But it already rang. Now he’s going to think I am pranking him or something”

“He won’t know”

“He will if he star 69’s us!” We sat in silence just waiting for the phone to ring and after about three minutes Howie finally placed the receiver back on the carol. “So when should I call? You know the longer you wait…”

“Howie it’s not that easy. This is my life” I didn’t mean to get chocked up and truthfully it came out of nowhere. But he understood, I could tell by the small nod he gave me as he reached across the table at me this time to grab my hand.

“You’re right Nicky…I’ll tell you what why don’t you think things through and I’ll go bring dad back to the home. When I get back we’ll talk more okay?” I nodded at him.

“Dad has been really quiet don’t you think? Like oddly quiet even in the car” I had made a mental note of that during our 90 minute ride but didn’t verbalize it because why curse a good thing?

“Maybe the new meds he is on are doing the job?”

“Or maybe I’m just tired…ever think of that?” We both turned at the sound of my father’s voice.

“Not everything has to do with your old man being a nut job Howard!”

“I know sorry dad…look let me just run to the bathroom then I’ll take you back”

“I’d rather the kid take me” Howie looked over at me with a concerned expression on his face.

“Really dad I think Nicky just needs some alone time”

“I haven’t even talked to you since you got back boy. Let us have a father son bonding experience” Dad came over to me and slapped me on the back.

Great what else can happen? I rolled my eyes at the ceiling and almost laughed, “Okay sure dad…I’ll take you back”

Standing up to grab my jacket Howie pulled me aside, “You sure? I can take him”

“It’s okay D” He hugged me tight against him; my nose was pushed against his brown freshly moosed hair.

“Alright dad let’s get this show on the road” We walked out into the cold December air. Once again the sky was pink and the snow that was coming down as flurries by my brother’s house was now coming down much faster and sticking to the road and grass.

“Let’s make this fast before it gets too bad to see” I opened the passenger door for him, “Yeah because God forbid we let our own father stay in the house that he bought for himself and his family” I ignored the sarcastic comment wanting too much to call him out on that ‘his house’ thing but decided it best not to.

I took the roads slowly since it was starting to get a bit slippery and hard to see. “So heard you talking about the jackass Benny” He said out of the blue once we had turned the corner and it was too late to change my mind about this bonding session.

“Yeah”

“He’s an ass and your mother idolized the hell out of him”

“Nothing wrong with looking up to your big brother” I pulled my body closer to the steering wheel as if that would help me see better.

“Yeah but she was delusional”

“Aren’t we all sometimes” I said under my breath. I couldn’t get this man home fast enough and it was bothering me that fast in this weather was about 30 miles an hour.

“Anyway why are you asking him for money?”

“College”

“I thought you won a scholarship or did they figure out you were really a dumbass?” He laughed but I reached my breaking point right there.

“Truthfully dad? They figured out you were the dumbass! See I got screwed over because you’re still alive” Whoa that was mean but I couldn’t help it; it was off my tongue before I could even swallow it back.

He whapped me upside the head so hard I almost lost control of the steering wheel. “Let me out of this mother fucking car right now you putz!” He screamed at me and swiped at me again. I threw my foot on the breaks with so much force, that I almost did a 360 turn. Luckily no one was stupid enough to be out on the road but us… so no damage done. He got out of the car and started hobbling down the street. I almost let him and drove away but sighed and got out, “Dad don’t be stupid”

“Don’t talk to me, I will not allow my youngest son to talk so disrespectfully to me!”

“Look I’m sorry alright? Now get in the car it’s freezing”

“How dare you blame me for your problems Nickolas Carter! How dare you wish me dead?”

“I never wished you dead dad” I really knew we were making a scene in the middle of a usually crowded intersection. All it would take is one car to pass and they would most likely be calling the police. “I worded that wrong and I’m sorry” Although I wasn’t really. It was his fault pretty much.

“What did you mean to say?”

“I’ll tell you in the car…come on” I turned and started walking towards the car hoping that he was following.

With the heat turned up really high and my teeth literally chattering in my mouth I was happy to see him walking back towards my direction. The light had changed twice from green to red while we sat there in the middle of the intersection, luckily only one car went by and a snow plow. If he didn’t hurry his ass up soon we would be stuck sleeping in the damn car for the night in which case someone would not live till morning.

“You hate me you always have” Were the first words he uttered as he got in the car.

“Dad we really need to go otherwise I’m never going to make it home”

“You hate me, my own flash and blood wishes I were dead” He was trying to manipulate me at this point like he had done so frequently when I was a child, make me feel as guilty and bad as possible.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence. I didn’t even put the radio on, all we heard was the snow hitting the wipers as we drove at almost a snails crawl to his home. I didn’t get out of the car to help him or anything just unlocked the door.

He stepped out and slammed it shut. “Don’t worry dad I’ll be safe going home” I said under my breath and for a second thought about running his ass over before turning around and heading back to the house.


~*~*~*~~*~*~*

Almost 3 hours later I arrived back home. The roads were so horrible by that point that every mile or so I had to stop and push the excess snow off the windshield. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it home at all so when I finally arrived on my street I sighed out loud.

Howie met me on the porch, “What the hell took you so long? I was worried sick!!”

“Um…there’s a blizzard going on D if you couldn’t tell”

“Why the heck didn’t you stay at dads?” I almost pee’d my pants when he said that, “Yeah right”

“I was about ten minutes from calling the police” I hugged him, I needed to feel cared about at that moment, “You worry too much Howie”

He grabbed my soaking wet jacket from me and gave me a blanket, “Why are you so wet?” I didn’t feel the need to tell him about the blow up with dad so I told him instead about having to get out and wipe the windshield. “Nicky next time that happens you need to just not drive, stay off the road”

“I will thanks for the tip”

He handed me a cup of cocoa, I love Howie…have I mentioned? “I called Benny” Until he said that.

“What?”

“I called him while you were gone”

“I thought I told you I wanted to wait on that”

“I knew if we didn’t do it today we might never do it at all”

“What did he say?” A lump caught in my throat as if waiting to here of a possible death sentence.

“He said he needs to think about it”

“Oh” I didn’t know what else to say to that. At least it wasn’t a no but why wasn’t it an enthusiastic yes?

“Don’t worry Nicky I’m sure that means yes”

“Well whatever I guess right?” He gave me a smile.

“Well being with dad for so much father son bonding has made me really tired so I’m hitting the hay. I’ll see ya tomorrow”

“Okay” He looked like he wanted to say more but he didn’t and neither did I. Just made my way upstairs and went to sleep.

Until I was given a second chance….


The Dwelling Place




That whole night I think I got about ten minutes of sleep. Tossing and turning with the most irrational thoughts plaguing my brain. It’s funny how when things go really good and you are on an ultimate high, nothing and I mean nothing can really bother you. Unfortunately I haven’t known many days like that but for all I know, neither has anyone else. On the opposite end of the spectrum however, the low days; now they were my friends. I was all too familiar with the cycle of the low day.

In that scenario, everything that would happen good or bad, I would manage to over analyze the hell out of it. That’s what happened last night as I let the fight my father and I had plus the impending decision made by Benny whittle away at my nerves to the point of me almost shaking about it.

I had prepared myself for the worst. You learn to do that growing up as me, this way if you are disappointed it won’t come as such a big shock and if by chance things do go your way, it’s the best of the best.

I stewed in thought about how I would take the news of Benny not helping me out while he had helped out everyone else. Especially my father, the man who had the audacity to call him an ass in the car. Benny had done so much for that man but still he was nothing more then my mother’s troublesome older brother. So how would my mind and especially my heart deal with him turning his back on me?

I actually acted out all of the possibilities in my head. There was the stand strong and take it like a man approach. I would humbly say well thank you for at least entertaining the possibility. Then I’d suck it up and learn to live with disappointment. Of course that was my least favorite option.

Then the ever popular give him a piece of my mind scenario. I would tell him where he could stick his money and follow that by a healthy slamming down of the phone. That although the one I was most eager to use would also most likely make me end up visiting good old Dr. Shelby again.

I could always cry, just sit on the phone and burst into tears, instead of saving it for my room. Just make the guy feel so bad his heart will break and he’d have to help me. There would always be the jumping out the window with a note saying this is all your fault Benny option as well. I call that the Mel’s approach.

All of those possibilities swarming through my mind but the truth was, in the deepest depths of my heart, I knew he would come through for me. He had too.

The following morning I got downstairs just as Howie was coming back from his jog. He was wearing a pair of boots and had on so many layers he almost looked comical. “You know it’s not the smartest thing in the world to go out and jog in two feet of snow”

He was still shaking off the snow from his head and drying the floor with a towel as he started stripping off layers of clothing. “I know… I couldn’t actually run today so I started shoveling instead. It’s still snowing now”

I walked over to the window and saw that in fact it was snowing almost as hard as it was before, “Wow…it’s bad out there”

“Yes it is, I hope Ricky’s flight got out okay…I’ve been trying to call her but she hasn’t returned my calls”

“I’m sure she’s fine D”

“I’m glad you got home alright last night Nicky, I was really worried” Maybe he figured I needed to hear that or something. He was right.

“I know and thanks” I walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, mostly because I know he hates when I do that and just as I predicted he made a face and wiped my slobber away. “When is Benny going to make his decision you think?” I tried to act as nonchalant as possible.

“I told him you have to be at school in about a week so he’ll call before then…don’t worry” He placed his arm on my shoulder and nodded, “He’ll come through…Benny always does”

I nodded and smiled, “I hope you’re right…not sure what Kenny would do without me up there”

Even though in my mind I had decided either way I was going back to Boston, even if I wasn’t registered I’d sneak my way into the dorms and live in the bathroom or something. If nothing else it would be an entertaining story to tell my grandchildren someday.

“I want to make a snowman” I blurted out which caused Howie to give me an odd look, “A snowman?” I smiled “Yeah a snowman…want to come outside and play with me?”

“Nick it’s still snowing, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Why don’t you wait until it stops?”

“If I do will you come out and play with me?”

“Only if you promise to shovel”

“Fine”

We both stopped when the phone rang; when D saw me stay motionless he moved to answer it, “Hello?” Part of me wanted it to be Benny while the other part, the one that was so used to being disappointed wished it were anyone but him.

“Hey baby…I was worried about you” He turned his back to me which signaled time to give him and his love some privacy. At least we knew Ricky made it home okay. I let out a sigh of relief, or was it disappointment? It was so hard to tell these days.

I decided to not listen to D and put on my boots and coat and wandered out into the snow. It was the kind of snow that fell light but fast so it wasn’t that bad to be outside in it. Unlike the heavy stuff that felt just blechy when it hit you. It always seemed to snow the hard stuff when I would have to walk to school.

The snow drifts had all but covered my car, leaving only about two inches of window showing. This was going to be a bitch to shovel, why did I agree to do that? Now was not the time for shoveling though, now was the time for playing. “Why on earth did he even try to shovel in this?” I had to ask myself as I saw the faintest traces of a path going through our sidewalk. I can’t even say I saw the path because the snow was so deep there was a long way between the fluffy white stuff and concrete but yes I could see his boot prints. Sometimes Howie amazed me.

I loved the sky when it was snowing this hard; it was so pink outside that you would think we were really living in a tulip or something. Wait…are tulips pink? Well like you were living in some kind of pink flower.

A brief memory crossed my mind of the first time I met Amy in the snow and I couldn’t help but smile. I wondered if she was outside making snow angels right now. Part of me wanted to call her but the other part, the more macho typical man part said not to. She had made it clear we were nothing more than friends and friends who barely knew each other did not spend money on long distant phone calls. Well not that many anyway, because I had called her at least twice since being home.

What would life be like if I couldn’t go back to Boston? I shook off the thought, why did my mind always travel back to that? As if to shut my brain up I spontaneously climbed onto our porch railing, it was very slippery a bit too slippery and I learned that the hard way by falling face first off the porch and into the snow.

“Ouch” I put my head up and spit out the snow I had managed to get into my mouth. “That was dumb Carter” I stood up brushing the snow off of my legs. Of course when I looked over at the Novak’s place, he was peering out the window at me. When he saw me glance over his way he quickly closed the curtain.

I walked back up the porch steps and tried once more to do what I had originally intended. I had done this many many times when I was a kid, sitting outside on the porch while watching either Brian or AJ shovel the walkway.

“You wanna jump Boo Boo?” I nodded at my big brother Brian standing with shovel in hand just smiling at me from ear to ear.

“Don’t encourage him he’ll fall and break his little tiny neck” Mel had said grabbing me before I could climb back onto the railing.

“Melissa you are too young to be such a party pooper”

“Yeah someone’s been taking lessons from Kevin”

“Don’t even compare me to Kevin AJ…that’s so unfair”

I tried pulling away from her protective arms but she wouldn’t let me go. “Bite her Nicky”

“Shut up AJ I hate you!” Melissa said pulling me up into her arms. “I want to jump Mew!”

“No Nicky, it’s to dangerous”

“Aww come on Mel, let him try it, I’m right here to catch him…come on Nicky” She rolled her eyes at Brian but knowing unlike AJ he wouldn’t let anything happen to me she put me down on the ground and let me jump onto the chair which then led me to the railing.

I remember at that point getting really scared, but yet refusing to cry. Funny how even at 4 or 5 I was as stubborn as I am now. “Come on Boo, I’ll catch you… ready?”

“If you catch him then what’s the point of him jumping?”

“Shut up and shovel AJ, you’ll see” He held out his hands to me and counted to three very slowly. When I jumped I fell into his arms and we both went falling into the soft snow, “Wheee” He said as we fell. I laughed so hard that I wet myself.

Over the years I had perfected the diving off the porch into snow trick whenever there was enough for me to do that, always getting a kick out of Melissa’s warnings of me one day breaking my neck. I stopped doing that when there was no one there to care anymore. “Or maybe to break my fall”

I climbed up onto the railing once more again slipping and nearly falling off, this time I held onto one of the beams and managed to stand myself up straight. When I was little this looked like such a HUGE fall but now it was nothing. I had to bend my head from hitting the top of the porch ceiling.

“What on earth are you doing Nicky?” Howie’s voice startled me and I turned to talk to him only to once again fall off the porch this time on my back. He came running down the steps, “Are you okay?” His voice was panicked which for some reason amused me to the point of laughter.

“Answer me are you alright? What are you doing? Jesus Nick things aren’t that bad” That was it I fell into a fit of hysterics, “Did you think I was trying to kill myself Howie? By jumping three feet?”

“NO I didn’t say that…I mean…Nicky get off the snow you’re making a scene”

“Howie you should do it…come on jump off the porch into the snow, its fun”

“What? Have you lost your mind child?”

I laid flat on my back now and started flapping my arms and legs to make a snow angel. “Come on…live a little” I honestly couldn’t tell you where my good, silly mood came from but while it was there I planned on enjoying it. I could see Howie was too even though there was also a trace of embarrassment on his part. “Nicky you are going to get sick get up” Now he was laughing right along with me as I made my snow angel.

“I’m not going to get up until you join me down here”

“Nick stop being such a…”

“I’ll start singing Christmas carols”

“You are insane you know that Nicky?”

“Oh you better watch out…you better not cry…”

“Stop you are beginning to sound like dad!” I ignored him and kept on singing cracking myself up as I was doing it. “Are you drunk?” He asked when I paused to take a breath.

“Come on Howie!”

“Mr. Novak is watching us”

“Let him…you better not pout I’m telling you why…”

“Okay fine as long as you shut up and get off the ground before I have to take you to the emergency room for frostbite” He leapt over me and landed right beside me, which caused me once again to burst into laughter.

There we lay side by side making our angels in the snow, “See?” I said after a few moments of silence, “I told you this was fun”

“I can’t remember the last time I made a snow angel Nick”

“I bet you have NEVER made one Howie”

“Only you could get me to do something like this”

“That’s because I rock!” Now I was really starting to get cold but I felt like we were having a moment so I kept quiet.

“I used to do this stuff with Kev all the time; we’d always come out here and play”

“Really? I can’t picture Kevin playing…scolding yes, scowling? Most definitely but not playing”

“Yeah we used to go sledding over by Macintoshes” That place had the best ice cream ever. We lived about three blocks away from it and once I pictured it in my head I saw the huge hill that was out behind it. Now it was a strip club. Funny how that happens, going from ice cream covered in whipped cream to girls covered in whipped cream.

“We had a blast!” I turned to him amused by how easily he could transform himself into a big kid. In many ways D and I were so much alike.

“How’s Ricky?”

“Good…she sends her love”

“Okay well send it right back to her then”

“I’m selling the house Nicky…” He turned to me then, his hair almost covered with snow, “I had a long talk with dad and the guys and it’s definite”

When I didn’t say anything to him he sat up and dusted off the snow from his shoulders, “What do you think about that?”

I was mad that once again he consulted everyone but me to make this pivotal decision. “I don’t know D…I guess it doesn’t matter what I think” I sat up myself, suddenly playtime was over. He extended his hand to me and helped me off the snow, “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to suddenly attack you with the news, just that Ricky and I have been talking about it a lot lately and I just felt you needed to know”

He instinctively brushed the snow off of my hair like a father would after seeing his son make a mess, “Howie, it’s okay…if nothing else you brought me back to reality” I turned and went up the steps ready to get back into warmth. He followed, “Nicky”

I opened the door for him, “Don’t D…you don’t owe me any explanations or anything. As far as I’m concerned this is your house. If you have to sell it then sell it”

“Don’t’ be mad”

“I’m not mad” I turned to smile at him, I was mad but not at him. Oddly enough I was pissed at Ricky.

“So when is this all happening? Should I start packing now? Because if for some reason Benny doesn’t come through I guess I’ll have to live on the street” Okay maybe I was being a bit irrational, but I was allowed from time to time.

“You won’t live on the street, no matter where I go I expect you to go with me”

“And go is where? Down the street? In the next town? Where is go exactly?”

“Anywhere but here” He answered sounding faraway, that made me stop complaining.

“It’s going to take a while to sell this place Nicky, my guess is you’ll be almost out of college by the time we move anyway”

I sat down and shivered, okay maybe lying in the snow in the middle of a blizzard wasn’t the smartest thing to do. Howie was shivering too. “D…I could be out of college NOW, if things don’t work out”

He squatted down beside me, once again like I was a child “Things always have a way of working out Nicky…you’ll see” And as he drove me to school a week later, I couldn’t help but believe him.

At that point things started looking up again and I felt reinvigorated and refreshed...



Happy Days


So by this point you might be a little confused, did you get the money from your godfather or not? Or did Howie just bring you back to school so you could live in the bathroom after all?

Well Benny in fact DID come through for me, not as whole heartedly as I hoped though. He actually called us back the next morning and told Howie he would only speak to me on the matter after all this was MY life we were talking about not D’s.

So as much as I absolutely dreaded having to talk to him I got on the phone and listened to him go on about financial obligations and how important it was to save money. He dissed my dad about a hundred times but it didn’t bother me at all. Funny how when it was reversed I almost caused a scene in a blizzard but Benny all but said he wished my dad would die already and I was cool with that. So long as I got my money.

Which I did, but unlike all of my brothers who had at one time needed money from my uncle, I was told I’d have to pay him back. “This is just a loan Nickolas because frankly I’m getting older now and you boys need to learn some responsibility” I didn’t feel like arguing with him, telling him I know full well what responsibility is, but I was at his mercy.

“So this is a loan, I’m going to co sign a loan for you which will be your responsibility to pay it back. This is it though; I won’t be able to help after this”

I humbly said thank you and got off the phone and literally jumped on Howie with such force that I knocked the poor guy to the floor.

“I guess that means he’s helping you out huh?” He had asked from underneath me.

I rolled off of him and wiped the sweat off my forehead. Yes even though it was freezing outside I was sweating like a pig. “Yup he said he’d help me out. It’s a loan and I have to pay him back”

“Hrm…that’s odd”

“It’s really not that odd Howie. The guy hates me he always has”

“That’s not true Nick” This was an argument we frequently had. My uncle hated me, not sure why but then again I wasn’t sure why my dad and mom hated me too. I can tell you that in his house he had a wall of kids set up and I was the only one absent. It was something that always bugged me, even though my own father and mother didn’t have any pictures of me anywhere in my house, it bothered me that this normal guy and his own normal family left me out of their life.

“Well he can’t hate you that much because your butt is going back to school and I for one am extremely happy for you!” We both got up off the floor and hugged. I was so sure that the chapter of my life called Boston was only going to be a page long but now I was adding onto that page and it overjoyed me.

I wanted to leave the very next day, pack up and go before anyone had a chance to change their mind. Whether it be Benny or fate. I wasn’t about to let that happen.

Luckily fate was taking a vacation because a few days later Howie and I were on our way back to Boston. It felt like the first day all over again. That’s how overjoyed I was.

Kenny just happened to be outside when he saw my brother’s car pull up so he greeted us and helped me bring up what little junk I had.

“I missed you Sunny boy!” He said pulling me into a hug and then shoving me away, “I’m just playing with you. How could I miss your sorry ass?”

“Well I…” Before I could finish he pulled me into another hug, “Awe I’m just teasing of course I missed you!” then he shoved me away. “NOT!” Howie found this all very amusing for some reason. “I think someone forgot to take their medication” I kidded as I grabbed the last of my luggage from the car.

“I will now that I have you to remind me Nick” Kenny said in his semi Cartman voice he liked to use from time to time.

Howie grabbed my arm, “Is he on medication for real?” That cracked me up.

Everything was falling back into place. I felt Nick Carter going back to sleep, the worries dissipating as Sunny came out to play.

When I got into the room I noticed some changes; for one, Kenny decided he wanted my desk so he switched without asking me. “Hope you don’t mind Sunny”

“Nah its okay” It really was no big deal. The desk I got was closer to the window anyway and fresh air was always a good thing. The second thing he did bothered me. He moved our beds right next to each other. I mean right next to each other. It looked like one big king sized bed and the desks were surrounding us.

“This is an…interesting set up you have here” Howie gave my roomie a questioning look before looking at me and shrugging.

“I know I’m like thinking it’s kind of like we are in the middle of an ocean right? And the desks… well they are the islands and we like have to jump off the boat and swim for the island otherwise the sharks will like totally eat us man”

I think if Howie could have he would have run out of that room at that instant especially when Kenny went on to demonstrate to us how with the way he placed the beds you could get around the room without ever stepping on the floor. He hopped from the bed to his desk, which used to be my desk, then to his trunk then made a final leap into the bathroom. “See how much fun we’ll have Carter?”

All I could do was nod and smile because frankly I didn’t care. Let Kenny sleep right next to me in his little boat in the middle of the ocean. I was back at school. I was the happiest guy in the world.

“You’re going to make him change that back aren’t you?” I shrugged at Howie and threw my bag on the bed, the one that was bare. “It’s not going to bother you sleeping so close to him?”

“Yeah it’ll bother me a lot”

“He has Power Ranger sheets, what is wrong with your roommate?”

I kicked off my shoes, a sure sign that I was back home. “Howie do you think I have a right to call him nuts? I mean do you remember what I came from?”

He sat next to me, “Yeah I guess you have a good point” I just nodded at him, “So you okay then? I mean if I were to leave? I want to get home before the snow starts up again” They were predicting another bad snow storm. “Maybe you should spend the night D, just in case you get caught in the middle”

“No thanks, I mean where am I going to sleep? On top of Kenny?”

I laughed, “He would probably give you his bed and sleep in the hallway or something crazy like that”

Howie stood up and I followed pulling him into a hug, “Howie be careful and I love you”

“I love you too Boo, more than anything” He pulled away from me and looked me up and down, just like he has always done before leaving me; whether it be from me leaving for school in the morning to going out with friends on a Friday night. It might seem odd to other people why this older brother was always hovering over me. To me I loved it, I would never tell him that but I loved it a lot.

“Well? Aren’t you going to walk me back to the car at least?” I rolled my eyes at him playfully, “Yeah just let me put my shoes on”

“Well excuse me kiddo, I mean I did just drive for 6 hours to get you back here”

“I know D…relax I’m just yanking your chain” I went to lick his forehead because I knew how much he hated that and of course, he bat me away, “Eww come on Nicky quit it!”

Kenny walked out of the bathroom door and gave us a weird look, “Okay then” He said exaggeratedly before plopping back into his little island bed complete with Power Ranger sheets.

“I’m walking Howie to the car, I’ll be back”

“Have a safe trip Howie”

“Thanks Kenny, be good the two of you”

“I’m not making any promises for myself but I’ll keep your brother in line”

Howie nodded at Kenny and all I could do was shake my head.

As we walked back towards the parking lot my brother became quiet. Oddly quiet as if there was a load of things on his mind. “Everything okay D?”

“Yeah”

“You sure?”

“Yup, guess I’m just tired”

“Maybe you should spend the night then, you can leave tomorrow”

“I need to go today Nicky, I have to work early tomorrow morning”

“Oh” I was going to drop it there but I decided not to, “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine Nick, honestly…not to sound corny or anything but I’ll really miss you”

“You’ll miss me?” He nodded, “It was just nice having someone else in the house you know? I miss having you around all the time”

I stopped him and pulled him into a hug, “I’ll miss you too Howie”

“I didn’t want you to feel bad that’s all” He pulled away from me and I could swear he had tears in his eyes but I know I must have been imagining things.

“I’ll be home soon”

“I know”

“Nick?” We both turned at the mention of my name to see Amy walking towards us smiling.

“Amy” I grabbed her in a hug, “What’s up?”

“I was just going to dinner, I got back yesterday”

“Awesome! I just got here but if you wait a few minutes I’ll go with you”

“Okay” She looked over at my brother and smiled. He was also grinning, “Oh...Amy this is Howie”

He grabbed for her hand, “Nice to meet you Amy, I’ve heard a lot about you”

“Same here” They were both looking each other up and down, funny because when I was with Amy the only family I ever really mentioned was Howie and likewise when I was home. I talked about Amy almost nonstop whenever college was brought up. It felt right that they finally got to meet each other.

“Well, I don’t want to keep the two of you from your dinner and I have a long ride”

I hugged my brother again, “Drive carefully D and call me”

“Every Sunday as always Nicky! Make sure you don’t go disappearing on me again”

“I won’t…I promise”

He nodded and smiled once more at Amy.

Once he was gone Amy and I headed back down the hill towards the cafeteria. I had forgotten how much I missed being around her, “So I see everything worked out then huh?”

I nodded, “Yup, I got a reprieve”

“I’m glad because I don’t think I could have survived a second semester without you” She grabbed my hand which threw me off guard, but not in a bad way.

“How was Christmas?”

“It was there, what about for you?”

I nodded, “About the same”

“Well glad to see we both had a great break” I laughed, another thing I loved about Amy was her dark sense of humor.

“I think I should go get Kenny, do you mind if he joins us?”

“Sure no problem, I can use some giggles”

“Is your roomie back yet?” She made a disgusted look and nodded, “Yup and so are her little posse of guys trying to get down her pants”

“Men pffft!” She whapped my arm when I said that.

As we were going up the elevator to get Kenny she let go of my hand, I decided not to bring it up, not to even ask why she held it in the first place.

“What did you think about your room? When I saw that I said to myself ooh Nick’s not going to like this much”

“It’s interesting, I’ll probably have him change it back but for now he can keep his little island…so this means you came to my room?”

“Yup, I wanted to see if you were back yet”

“Well I’m here now”

She smiled “Yup you are”

When I unlocked the door I found Kenny jumping on the bed playing a plastic ukulele and wearing one of those ten cent lei’s you found at the dollar store.

Yup I was back and it felt great!