This is a story I started back in November. Was looking for some feedback. Depending on the reviews I get for the prologue depends on weather I post more or not, so please please let me know what you think.

Prologue

He sat in the bathtub, lathering soap over his strong body to wash himself. He took a few handfuls of water, splashing it over his arms and legs, chest and back, letting the soap run off. Next, he squirted a small bit of shaving cream into his palm, rubbing his hands together and then pressing them to the stubble that was growing out on his chin. He sighed a sad sigh as he picked up his razor to shave off the unwanted hair. He stopped short though, just staring at the blade intently. His life had hit an all time low. He was depressed, thought nobody knew it. He hid it well. With another sigh, he shook his head to clear it, bringing the razor to his chin, gliding it down in gentle motions across his face. When he was finished, he swished the blade back and forth in the tub of hot water so that the small hairs would be freed. As he was about to set it back on the bathtub ledge, next to the bar of soap, he stopped, bringing it back towards him again. He stared down at the blade with definite interest, running his finger across the surface a few times. He’d heard of people being cutters, to escape mental and emotional problems that they were facing. He’d also heard that, as long as the cuts didn’t become too deep, or in the wrong places, it wasn’t a dangerous or unhealthy habit. He wasn’t sure if he believed that, but he was thinking of trying it. Maybe the physical pain would wash over the emotional pain and desperation he was feeling lately.

He squeezed his eyes shut, tears threatening to fall at the scary thought of what he was considering doing to himself. He could feel his body start to shake, his shoulders trembling slightly. He opened his eyes, staring at the blade again. How had his life gotten so out of hand? How had he become so depressed? How had he lost control of his own life. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d truly been happy. All he knew was that he had to do something. Something himself. Something that nobody else knew. He didn’t want anybody to know his sadness. He was doing such a good job of faking a happy front in front of his family, friends, and especially the group. He planned on keeping it that way. No, this was something he had to take care of himself, and it had come to this, for nothing else had worked, including the over-the-counter depression pills he’d bought.

He started to take the blade to the side of his
arm opposite his wrist with a shaky hand, but drew back. He took in a sharp, jagged breath, wondering if he’d lost his mind. He didn’t want to resort to this, but he felt that there was no other way. If he followed through, he’d have to find a way to hide the cut. Him and the Boys had a meeting the next morning. Beings it was winter, a and fairly cold, he figured hiding the fresh cut wouldn’t be hard. Taking in a deep breath, he slowly took the blade back to his arm again, pressing firmly against it, sliding it across the surface. He vowed that he would only do it just this once.

At first, the pain was immense, and he squeezed his eyes shut, wincing. But after awhile, the cut started to feel good. He opened his eyes, seeing blood seeping through the intentional, fresh wound. He smiled in satisfaction, feeling happy that he now had control over something in his life. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d truly been happy until this moment.

He examined the cut as he carefully set the razor down. He watched with interest as the blood, his blood, slowly stopped escaping the cut. He put his arm under the water, the blood clouding to the surface of the water, then dissolving completely. When he was sure the small cut, which he estimated to be about an inch long, wouldn’t bleed any longer, he brought his arm back up.

Standing up, he grabbed his towel, drying off. He stepped out of the tub, draining the water out of it, then slid into his flannel pajamas. He still couldn’t believe what he’d done. He knew that it was self abuse, yet it had given him a tingling sense of sickening pleasure. It had hurt, yet oddly felt good to him. He told himself that he wouldn’t do it again, that it was just a one time thing. That he would find another way to become happy again. A safer way. Little did he know, it would become something he was addicted to doing.

Chapter One

Nick pulled his grey, baggy sweatshirt on over his head, slipping his arms through the long sleeves. He slid on a baseball cap to cover his disheveled blonde mass of hair. After being drug out of bed early, by the annoying sound of the alarm by the bed, to hit the road for yet another day on the road in the life of a Backstreet Boy, he wasn’t much in the mood to take his time getting ready and making himself look presentable. The morning would have a brisk chill to it. Nick wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep warm in the coolness of the hotel room. Brian wasn’t there, making Nick know that once again, he’d overslept. The others were down at the breakfast buffet at that moment, most likely clearing the tables between the four of them. Nick sighed, unzipping his suitcase and pulling out three breakfast bars, hoping that it would be enough to hold him over until lunch, whenever that would be. He pulled open the wrapper, folding the foil back and taking a large bite out of one of the bars. They were really beginning to taste like cardboard to him, but he didn’t really have much choice. Until he learned to wake up early with the others though, that was what he would be living off of for his morning meal. The most important meal of the day. Nick rolled his eyes at that, stuffing the rest of the first bar in to his mouth and opening another.

Nick’s thoughts were interrupted by his roommate, and also best friend, Brian bursting though the door, bouncing in to the room and over to the beds. He was wearing a pair of baggy carpenter style jeans and a long sleeved, black, knit shirt. He stopped and stared at Nick, almost as if he were in shock at the sight of the boy being awake, or even being there at all.

“Good thing you’re up. C’mon, we gotta get going,” he drawled in his southern accent, picking up his luggage and dragging it towards the door, “The busses are waiting for us outside right
now.”

Nick groaned as he picked up his suitcase and Nintendo bag, putting them over his shoulders and trudging out of the room. Brian followed him out, letting the door lock behind them.

“You okay?” Brian asked Nick, sensing that something was wrong with his usually upbeat blonde friend.

“Huh?” Nick asked, stopping and turning around, “Oh, yeah. Just tired today for some reason.” he explained.

“I told you not to be up all night playing your games,” Brian laughed, “When I was going to bed at eleven, knowing we’d be getting up early, I told you it would be a good idea if you did too.”

Nick shrugged, embarrassed to admit that he, once again, had been wrong. The thing was, Nick stayed up late half the nights playing his Nintendo games. He never learned from his mistakes either. He kept doing the same thing over and over. And then wondered why he was always tired on early mornings such as these.

“What’s the plans for today?” Nick asked as they took the back staircase down to the doors behind the hotel, where their bus was meeting them.

Brian shook his head and laughed, “Do you ever pay attention?” Without getting a response, Brian went in to detail of what was on the itinerary which was supposed to be provided for each Boy to follow.

“Driving to Bangor, Maine from here,” Nick made a face. The drive would be at least seven hours. He wished that they could just fly there, but that hadn’t been an option for this particular destination. The only time they normally flew was when they were pressed for time or when their drive would be more than ten or twelve hours, “We have the rest of the night off then once we get there, so get some sleep,” Brian was sure to emphasize, “Tomorrow morning, we have a meeting at ten, and then tomorrow night a show. We’re due to take stage at eight..”

Nick rolled his ocean blue eyes, “Do you always know what we’re doing like that?” Nick asked, and when Brian nodded his head, Nick stated, “That’s so boring. You’re so fucking predictable, B-Rok.”

Brian shrugged as they pushed through the door, then rounded a corner, going five feet and stepping out of another set of doors leading to the outside. Fifteen feet from the door, the bus awaited. Nick and Brian made a dash for it before fans would start coming out, their security guards close behind them. They hopped on to the bus, surprised to find the other three Boys already inside.

“It’s called organization,” Brian told Nick once they’d seated themselves on the luxury-style bus.

“Huh?” Nick asked, already forgetting about the conversation they’d been having just a couple of minutes prior.

“Me knowing what we’re doing,” Brian explained, “It’s organization.”

Nick still looked at Brian blankly. The Boys all chuckled at the blonde. His being tired was already affecting his brain power.
“Sleep in again, Nicky,” Kevin asked, a smug smirk on his face.

Nick ignored him, knowing that if he reacted, that it would cause teasing and torment from his four friends.

The bus started to roll away from the hotel just as about ten young girls ran through the back door of the hotel, in hopes of catching the boys. It was too late though. Nick looked out of the window, seeing their faces fall at the realization that they’d just missed their idols. He felt bad that, about to ask if they could go back. After all, it was only a few people, and they loved their fans. But by the time he was about to say something, they were already out on the open road. He looked to the front of the hotel and there was a swarm of girls waiting for their appearance.

Nick sunk back in to his seat, sighing. After sliding his hat down over his eyes to block out most of the light, he crossed his arms over his chest, closing his eyes. He needed to catch up on sleep, and with seven hours of nothing but boring travel, he had plenty of time to do just that.

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He slipped in to the backroom in the back of the bus unnoticed. Everybody else was either reading or asleep. He had tried to make an attempt at sleeping, but hadn’t gotten anywhere. The bumpy road kept jerking him awake.

Taking a small pocket knife out of his pocket, he flipped it open, staring at the glistening blade. He pressed the tip of his finger against it, checking the sharpness of it. He didn’t want to go too deep. That would cause too much blood flow, which could be hard to stop. It could leave evidence and traces of his habit. He didn’t want anybody to know.

He sighed. Something that he had only intended to do once had turned in to something he did at least once a week, sometimes three or four. It helped him escape the emotional pain that he was feeling. The knife going in to his flesh felt strangely good, and relieving, the pain escaping through the wounds. He mostly cut up and down his arms, but sometimes his legs too. Anywhere that would always be covered, actually. When on stage though, it caused a slight problem, for his arms were always exposed. Nobody had noticed yet. In all the motion that they were always in, none of the other Boys had the time to pay attention to details. Those in the audience couldn’t make out the faint, scabbed over cuts either. For that, he was thankful. But the second the show was over, he would quickly slip on a long-sleeved shirt or something that covered him. He wasn’t taking any chances of being found out.
To add on to his depression of how horrible he felt his performance was lately, and how his vocals were going down hill, his feeling that his family was disappointed in him and feeling as if his for best friends were getting annoyed with him and wanting to kick him out of the group, his girlfriend of three years had broken up with him. She had said that he was not around enough, and she could not deal with a boyfriend in the spotlight. That had added more weight to his problems. It had caused him to cut more. More than he really wanted, but anything that would help him feel good for a short time was worth it to him.

He rolled up his shirt sleeve, taking the blade to his arm. He pressed somewhat firmly to insert it in to himself, drawing it across his arm a good two inches. He winced, but once the cut was done and the blood was released, a feeling of relief came over him. He watched in fascination as blood poured from the wound, creeping down the length of his arm. When he heard a knock on the door, panic overcame him. He quickly put his arm under running water from the sink.

“Be right out,” he called, his voice shaking slightly.

Grabbing a washcloth, he wrapped it tightly around his arm to stop the bleeding faster, pulling the sleeve of the sweatshirt down over it. He washed the blood from the blade of the knife, doing a quick look around to make sure he wasn’t leaving any traces of his blood. Not seeing any, he decided he was safe. Flipping the knife shut, he slid it back into the pocket of his baggy jeans. He flushed the toilet to so that the person on the other side wouldn’t by chance become curious of his doings. He took in a few deep breaths to compose himself before opening the door and exiting, letting the person on the other side enter. He had gotten away with it again, but almost hadn’t. He knew that he would have to start being more careful and discrete. It he wasn’t, one of these times, he would be caught in his act of intentional self-inflicted harm.

Chapter Two

A brisk February wind blew as the Boys fled from their bus and in through the back doors of their hotel. It was a mere five degrees, a drastic dropping change from their last destination, and with the wind chill, the air felt like it was somewhere around negative ten. The five men ran up the back stairwell and to the eleventh floor where their rooms were, their bodies still freezing from the outdoors.

“Holy fucking shit,” A.J. cursed, his voice shivering as they ran, “I think I’m suffering from severe frostbite to the face.”


“No kidding,” Nick answered, “Welcome to Maine..home of the ice people. How do people live here in the winter? It’s like the fucking North Pole or something.” he heard chuckles coming from his friends at the comment as he closed his eyes for a second thinking of Florida, where it was probably in the seventies, sunny and clear. The image just made the coldness all the worse.

Once they’d reached their destination, their body guards strayed away and they were greeted by one of their managers in the middle of the hall. The five stopped, glad to get a chance to take a real breath. Howie wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing his hands up and down the length of his arms in attempt to warm up. It wasn’t working. He could tell that the others were still freezing as well.

“Glad to see you made it okay,” the manager, Rick stated, “There’s a blizzard due in at any moment. They’re warning people to stay off of the roads.”

A.J. snorted. The first night in ages that they had off and they were going to be stranded at the hotel due to a snow storm. He looked around knowing by the looks on his friends faces that they were thinking the exact same thing. It was going to be a long, boring and very cold night.

“Anyways,” he stated, handing out the room keys, “Kevin, Brian and Nick, you’ll be in room one-thousand two hundred twenty two. A.J. and Howie, you’ll be in room one thousand two hundred twenty four.” he informed them even though the room numbers were on the credit-card sized keys, “Enjoy your night off and I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll be in room nine hundred and five if anybody needs anything.”

The Boys said waved as Rick started down the hall and to the elevator that was at the end. The five looked around the deserted halls wondering where everybody was. Normally there were a few fans who’d managed to find their way to the floor that they stayed on, waiting for a picture and autograph. This time, their was nobody, not even on the ground floor. They all found this strange, wondering if security had been tightened or if it was simply because of the time of afternoon it was or nobody knew where they were this time.

“Well,” Kevin stated, breaking the silence that had overcome the hall as a businessman passed by them, “What’s it going to be tonight?”

In response he got shrugs. Kevin stared at them waiting for a real response from any of them. He hated always being the one to make the final decision.

“I dunno,” Nick finally spoke, “Since we’re on lock down because of the big bad blizzard....ohhh...I’m so scared,” he rolled his eyes, getting laughs at his humor, “I say we call a cab, blow this place anyways and go to a club or something.”

“Can’t. Management will have our ass,” Brian spoke up, although he too wished that they could escape, “This hotel is pretty huge. Why don’t we explore it for a bit and see what we can find to entertain us right here.”

The replies he got were unenthusiastic “okay’s” and “why not’s”. Nick, for one, was pretty sure that all he’d find was the hotel bar. If not that, he’d retort to his room to play some video games. When all else failed, at least he’d always have that to fall back on.

“Sounds like a plan,” Kevin replied, “How bout we rest up for an hour or so then meet out here at, say,” he looked down at his watch, “Six...then take it from there.”

They all agreed and unlocked the doors to their rooms, going inside. Going over to his bed, Howie threw down his backpack with some overnight necessities in it, A.J. doing the same. He sighed, falling back on to the double bed, staring up at the ceiling. Suddenly he was very tired, his eyes growing heavy. The long bus ride had taken a lot out of him, as well as the others. It always did.

“You okay, D?” A.J. asked, plopping down on to his own bed.

Howie looked over, “Yeah. This just sucks.” he grinned and A.J. laughed, “I don’t get it. How can a State be so nice at one time of year and like this just months later?”

A.J. shrugged, “Shit if I know,” he replied looking out of the window. The snow had already started to fall, although it was nothing drastic yet, “Wouldn’t it be something if the blizzard caused the show to be cancelled tomorrow...and our meeting...and we were stuck here for a week?”

“Don’t even joke about that,” Howie laughed, “I’m ready to go to someplace warm.”

A.J. couldn’t agree more. Being snowed in to the hotel for a week would suck in a major way. As it was, one night of being under what was pretty much house arrest from Management, was too much to handle.

Howie looked out of the window and saw that the light snow had picked up significantly. He wondered how much of the white stuff could actually accumulate in a single night. He guessed that in the morning, he’d get his chance to see for himself. Until then, they’d all have to make the best of the rotten situation.



Kevin woke up with a start, his body jerking
suddenly. He sat up, rubbing his eyes to clear the blurriness as he soon recognized the sound that had awaken him from his slumber. He looked to his side. Nick and Brian were still asleep. Kevin rolled his eyes and looked at the clock. What he saw caused him to jump up to his feet. It was nearly six thirty...half hour past the time they were supposed to meet A.J. and Howie.

Cursing all the way to the door, Kevin opened it to find, at no big surprise, the duo standing before him. Smirks of amusement were written on their faces. A.J. was standing on his toes in attempt to look past Kevin. He snorted, the look on his face priceless as he crossed his arms over his muscled chest. Kevin knew that he was about to say something as A.J. examined him.

“Enjoy your nap?” was the first thing out of his mouth as a sudden, loud snore escaped from Nick. Kevin just shrugged as he ran a hand through his disheveled black hair. He gave a half smile not wanting to speak until he knew the grogginess would be out of his voice, “Well are you bout ready to go? Me and D are bored shit-less and ready to find something to do.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin chuckled, his voice husky, “I’ll go wake the other two knuckleheads up and we can head downstairs or where ever.”

Kevin headed back in to the room with A.J. and Howie on his heels. The door closed behind them as Kevin tried to wake up Nick and Kevin without success. He groaned inwardly. The two best friends were dead to the world when they slept.

“Have you looked outside lately?” Howie asked as Kevin tried once more to awaken the two. Kevin shook his head, “You should. Aje and I’ve got a bet going on whether or not our schedule will be cancelled or not due to the snow.”

Kevin rolled his eyes after shaking Nick’s body somewhat roughly and the kid still lay still. If it weren’t for his moving chest, Kevin would have taken him as dead. He walked over to the window and opened the curtains a crack to see what Howie was talking about. His eyes widened in surprise. From the looks of it, in the ninety minutes they’d been at the hotel, it seemed to have showed a good seven inches, and the stuff kept coming down fast and hard, in large white flakes.

“Damn good thing we got here when we did,” Kevin muttered as he closed the curtains and walked back to join the others, “Who knows where we would’ve had to stop at or been stranded at if we had been stuck in that mess.”

By then, Brian was slowly coming out of his sleep, his eyes fluttering slightly. He sat up and looked around confused.

“Did I fall asleep?” he asked when he saw the others standing before him, minus Nick. He didn’t remember any of them being there before.

“No, Rok,” A.J. retorted sarcastically, “We knocked you out so we could make up a plan to finish you off. Now close your eyes so we can carry it through.”

Brian rolled his eyes and stood up, “Cute,” he stated, “Real cute. So, are we going to go have some ‘fun’ or what?”

“Once we get Nick to wake up,” Howie replied.

“Ah,” was Brian’s reply.

They could all tell by the look in his eyes that he was trying to think up something cruel and unusual to get the blonde to awaken from his deep slumber. At that point, it was a given that more than likely, whatever the man thought up, it would be agreed with by the other three. Brian quietly crept over to Nick’s bed and picked up a pillow that was next to him. He brought it up over his head as the others were trying to stifle laughs. Brian brought the pillow down hard on to Nick’s head as he screamed as the top of his lungs, “NICK!!!.”

Nick’s body flew up in to a sitting position. His eyes were wide with surprise, his blonde hair a mess sticking up in every direction possible. He looked around and noticed his friends at all sides of him laughing. Nick scrunched his nose up and stuck his lip out in a pout.

“Was that really necessary?” he asked rubbing the sore spot on his head that was developing from where he’d been hit.

Ignoring his question, which he figured had been rhetorical, Kevin said, “We’re going to explore the place. You coming?”

Nick nodded as he got out of the bed. Not even bothering to fix his hair, he walked towards the door, the others shrugging and following him.

On the ride down the elevator, nobody said anything. Kevin wished that they could just leave the hotel and do their own thing for the millionth time. If they even tried though, he hated to think of what would happen. It was pathetic. Five grown men having to abide to rules thrown out by someone who was above them because of a little snow.

“So,” A.J. stated once they’d reached ground level, “What will it be?” he looked around at the first things in site, “A nighttime chat at the breakfast buffet tables or sipping coffee at Starbucks.”

Nick tried not to laugh as he got a few scowls from the others. The plan had been to make the best of the situation, which he obviously was not even trying to do.

“There’s always the indoor swimming pool,” Brian suggested “I’m sure it’s heated.”

Nobody responded to Brian’s suggestion. He assumed they didn’t like the idea. The five continued to walk finding a few shops and restaurants, but not much more.

“Bored, bored, bored,” Nick chanted, his voice monotone. They rounded another corner and his eyes lit up at what he saw, “ARCADE!” he shouted in glee as he started to run towards it as if in a hypnotic trance.

Kevin reached out and grabbed hold of Nick’s sweat shirt, pulling him back. Nick stumbled a little, almost losing his balance. When he was let go of, he had on the pout of a five year old who didn’t get his way.

“You can play your video games back up at the room.” Kevin told him

“Do you have any better suggestions?” Nick challenged as he crossed his arms over his chest.

The other four looked around to see what else was before them, all sick and tired of playing arcade games everywhere the went, almost.

“There’s a pool and dart hall down there and a small casino,” Howie stated, “Neither sound too bad to me right about now.”

“Pool sounds decent,” A.J. stated, making sure to get in his input, “What do you all think? It seems to be empty too, so we’ll have it all to ourselves.”

After some chatting amongst themselves, the five finally all agreed that it would be their best bet at finding a source of entertainment for the night. The idea of it being quiet and low key appealed to them all after the long day they’d had.

“Okay, so pool it will be,” Kevin said as if not completely sure that it was what he wanted, “Let’s go.”

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He looked down at the splintered end of his pool stick as his opponent took his turn, concentrating on knocking as many balls of his own as he could in to the holes. His opponent was good, which meant it would take awhile before he himself went.

Placing his finger on the point, he drew back realizing that it was sharp. He stuck his finger in his mouth for a moment to suck away the dot of blood that was surfacing. He smiled to himself in satisfaction. He’d have to remember to hide the damaged, worn stick well and use it when everybody else was sleeping later on that night. He knew that if hotel employment found it in the condition it was in, it would be thrown out for being a safety hazard to the hotel guests. He chuckled to himself, his head bowed to hide it. He found it ironic in so many ways. He wished that the darts from the dart board were sharp too. They would be perfect. It was somewhat of a magnetic board though, so they were completely out of the question.

Regular razors and knives were becoming boring already, after just a month and a half. Sure, he still intended on using them, for they produced the best cuts, however he needed something new to put the excitement back in to it. Something to put back the tingle of joy that vibrated down his spine whenever he thought about making a new cut and especially right before doing it. He wasn’t sure how much damage could be done with a pool stick, if anything at all, but he was determined to try it. If he didn’t that night, as soon as they left the hotel, his chances would be shot. It wasn’t as if he could take the pool stick with him.

His concentration was broken by his opponent calling over to him, telling him that it was now his turn. He nodded in acknowledgment that he’d heard him and took his turn, knocking the 6 ball in to the hole with ease. He went around the table to examine the position of all of the balls to see what would be his next best shot. It was only a matter of hours before he could sneak away and cut again. After all, there was nothing better to do that night. He might as well add a little more to his new hobby and scarred body art. The inside emotional pain kept becoming more and more intense. He needed some way to release it, and fast, through the wounds. He had every intention of doing just that.

Chapter Three

“The bastards,” Nick sneered when he learned that their meeting had not been cancelled because of the snow. If fact, they had moved it to that very hotel so that it was still possible that it take place. None of the guys had been overly happy with the information, especially when looking out the window at the twenty-one inches of snow that had fallen and the learning of a level three snow advisory.

“What can we do?” Howie asked with a shrug, “It snows, they move the meeting to us. Figures.” He paused before adding a fake encouragement of, “Besides...it will be over in two hours tops, right? Nothing drastic.”

His eyes roamed around to group to see what their expressions were saying. Nobody looked pleased and they all looked tired and out of rest. Howie figured that if it hadn’t been for Rick staying at that very hotel, then their meeting would have been postponed to a later date. But they had one manager there...and one was enough to get the job done.

The rest of the way down to the ground level floor in the elevator was in silence. Once they reached their destination, the doors opened slowly, taking them to their doom. In a matter of minutes would begin the long, boring, torturous meeting. Slowly, the five filed in to the conference room that they’d been assigned to, being greeted by Rick. Once they were seated, Rick closed the doors to ensure privacy before taking a seat at the head of the table, folding his hands in front of him in a professional manor before unfolding them and slinking back in his chair a little to give a more casual setting. The Boys relaxed a bit upon seeing that Rick was not going to be uptight like some of the other managers were, and he too when he was around them.

“Is everybody comfortable?” Rick asked, looking around the table.

Nick shifted in his seat, knowing that his attention span would be short that morning. He felt the need to move around. The idea of sitting still that morning did not appeal to him much. A.J. yawned, pushing his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose a little so that he could look over them. The others just stared blankly, wanting to get the meeting over with.

“Okay then. Let’s get started,” he moved on without waiting for an answer, “If you need anything, let me know.” he got five bored stares. Brian’s eyes closed unwillingly before shooting open again. Rick sighed, seeing how nothing was going to get done with their attitudes that morning, “Look, I realize that it is early and none of you were expecting to be here this morning, but the fact of the matter is you are. Let’s make the best of it, cooperate and get this over with as soon as we can.”

With one last long sigh from each of the guys, they forced themselves to focus the best they could on Rick. He was right. The more their attention drifted off, the longer things would take.

“Okay, we’re ready,” Kevin droned, his voice monotone.

He tried to suppress a yawn that he could feel coming. It worked, but not for long. A few seconds later, his mouth was open wide with his hand covering it. Rick ignored this the best he could, picking up his stack of papers, making it so the pages were in a neat, even pile.

“Okay, first line of business,” he stated, “Show reviews are dropping slightly. It’s being said that the performance is not as strong as it used to be. Anybody care to comment on this?”

The Boys all looked at one another, not knowing how to comment on it. They really hadn’t noticed that big of a change and didn’t know how to explain what was obvious to their manager but not them. Nobody said anything and it was apparent that he was waiting for an answer.

“Just exhaustion, ya know,” A.J. quickly countered, “The tour is ending and we’re getting restless and ready for a break.”

He grinned, hoping that Rick had bought his excuse. Rick looked skeptical since in all of the previous tours, the Boys had kept up their energy from start to finish. He opened his mouth to say so but shut it, deciding not to accuse them of anything. The Boys seemed to be in a stubborn mood that morning. The argument could go on for hours if he didn’t let it be.

“Just try to get the reviews back up. There’s only five more weeks to go and you’re free for two months...for the most part. Think you can handle it?”

The was replied to with five in sync nods. A.J. tried to bite his tongue to hold back yet another smart ass, sarcastic comment. Another few moments of silence as Rick sorted through his papers, skipping through a few pages.

“Okay, that brings me to my next point. Since the end of the tour is coming up, you realize that after six weeks off, you’ll have a very hectic schedule, correct?” again he got a few nods and a few stares of disbelief, “There’ll be photo shoots, press meetings, TV interviews and then Zomba wanted me to bring up the idea of starting to record for a new album, which will be followed by a series of album launch parties and promotional events...” his voice trailed off when he was interrupted by one of the Boys.

“Okay, okay, we get the clue,” Brian stated dryly, losing his patients rather quickly, “We’re going to be busy. We’ve been through the routine many times before. Nothing is going to change this time around.”

Rick raised an eyebrow. It was unlike Brian to spout off his mouth like that. Especially in such a demeaning tone.

“He’s right,” Nick stated, “We know the schedule by now. No need to give it to us, bro.”

Nick’s use of words caused Kevin to elbow him in the side. Nick let out a startled yelp of pain, rubbing the spot that had been hit. Tension was growing in the room. Nobody said a thing. They just stared.

“Since none of you are in the right mind set to be here, there’s no point in me keeping you any longer,” Rick sighed, “The roads should be cleared by the time of the show tonight, so be expecting to go. You’re dismissed.”

Rick got up from the long table and walked out of the room, leaving the group sitting there startled. Never in the decade that they’d been performing had a manager walked out on them, ending the meeting before its scheduled time. It was nice, yet in the pit of their stomachs, the Boys felt guilty for it all at the same time.

“Well, that was unusual,” Howie laughed, scratching his head in confusion, “Pure luck, since none of us are in to this today, but just strange.”

“Agreed, dude,” Nick stated, “Oh well. Let’s get the hell out of here and see what we can get ourselves in to trouble doing before the show tonight.”

He stood up and started towards the door. Seconds later, the others followed ready to get out of the stuffy room.

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“Why the fuck did they have to invent snow plows and road salt?” A.J. grumbled as he dressed for the first portion of the show.

Kevin rolled his eyes as Nick and Brian laughed. He proved a good point though. The whole day was dragging and none of them were in the mood to do anything. The snow had caused major side effects of laziness to be cast upon them. Plus they were all expecting the show to be cancelled due to the high level of snow. But alas, somehow the powerful snow plows had made it through the knee deep piles of white stuff and the salt trucks had come out to melt whatever was left on the roads.

“Nothing we can do about it now though,” Howie reminded the hostile Latin man, “We were almost home free...I guess this teaches us that anything can happen and we should always be prepared.”

A.J. snorted as he tied his shoes. He hated Howie’s knowing way. They were best friends, yet sometimes the sweet natured boy got on his nerves.

It wasn’t that he hated performing, because that was not it at all. He loved performing. It was his life...as if he were put on this planet to do it. It was just that the lack of sun was getting to him. He missed the feeling of warm fresh air over his darkened skin. Going out into the bitter coldness did not excite him. In fact, it put him in a terrible mood. The meeting from earlier had worsened that mood. It was as if Rick was accusing them of things.

“Let’s try to get in a good mood, huh?” Kevin suggested, “We can’t be going out on stage acting like we’ve got our microphones shoved up our asses.”

Nick snickered at Kevin’s use of words causing him to get a warning look from the elder. Nick quit laughing but rather gave Kevin a large, toothy grin and a thumbs up. Kevin rolled his eyes, turning his head away from the blonde with a grunt of disgust.

“Take your own advice, grandpa.” Nick stated as he stood up from the long couch. He brushed himself off a little, completely ready to take stage. Kevin looked at him again with a glare for referring to him as an old man. Nick
shrugged, “What?” he asked, “I guess I’m the only one in a somewhat good mood, huh?”

“Blow it out your ass,” A.J. muttered, going over to the mini bar and grabbing a handful of honey roasted cashews, popping them in to his mouth.

Nick was about to shoot back a crude comment of his own but shut his mouth again just as quickly for he couldn’t think of a comeback quick enough. He just sighed, trying to silently pep talk himself in to a good mood. Their moods of the day showed through in their performance. Nick’s problem when this happened was that every once in awhile he’d be a few seconds behind the others in the dance routines. It wasn’t anything drastic, but enough to notice.

“Nick’s right though,” Howie stated, “We all need to try. Tonight will be over in a few hours and who knows....maybe we’ll be welcomed by warmth next time around tomorrow night.” he was responded too by sights and forced smiles. Howie turned to A.J. and Nick, wanting to make conversation to lighten the mood, “Are Deena and Cecilia going to be here tonight? I haven’t seen them in awhile?”

“Dumped,” A.J. grumbled, “Last week.” he crossed his arms over his chest, crossing his eyes in an angry scowl.

Howie bit his lip, sorry for bringing up the sore subject. He turned to Nick though anyways to see what his reply would be. The blonde just had a pitiful look of sorrow on his face.

“She’s going to med school...to further her education. Didn’t want any distractions. So...that’s the end of it.” he answered glumly, his eyes focused on the floor, “How about you and Maddy?”

Howie’s eyes widened in surprise. Maddy had never been around much, so he was surprised that Nick had mentioned her, or even remembered her.

“Oh, she’s fine. We’re taking a break right now, but everything will be fine,” Howie stated brightly, “She’s going through a lot right now and needed some time alone.”

Nick nodded, happy that one of their relationships was working. A few months before, Brian and Leigh had divorced due to complications in their relationship that they couldn’t seem to get past. The decision had been mutual. Kevin and Kristen fought a lot, but their relationship seemed to be the only one still in tact.

“You’re on in three,” a voice called, “Finish up.”

Nick looked to the door just in time to see it closing.

“Looks like it’s show time,” Brian drawled, “Let’s make the best of this, take some Nyquil to sleep tonight and hope we wake up happier than we are now.”

The five got up and exited the dressing room, lining up behind the stage ready to run out and take action. Screams erupted as the commentator announced them and the Boys ran out on to the stage, putting their mind, heart and soul into the introduction dance before starting to sing, doing what they all did best.

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Sweat poured from his forehead as he continued to dance. Exhaustion was taking over his entire body, however he had to keep up his energy level. He knew that his performance had been going downhill. His prayers had not been answered though when he’d hoped that nobody else could tell. Apparently the world has noticed, as well as reviewers for big time magazines and newspapers. Rick had noticed that he had been slacking too and called attention to it. At least he hadn’t put him in the spotlight though and humiliated him in front of the others. He was assuming that they’d been concentrating so hard on their own routine that they hadn’t noticed. Now that Rick had pointed out that something was not quite right though, they’d be watching harder to see who was causing their downfall. Especially Kevin. Therefore, he had to make sure that he was performing top notch so that nobody suspected anything.

The cuts were becoming more obvious. They traced up and down his wrists like jagged lines. He knew that he needed help, but not to stop. He couldn’t stop. The relief that he felt after doing it was too worth it to seek rehab of some sort. If he stopped, he knew that he would feel numb all over and wouldn’t feel alive. Besides that, he wasn’t sure if he could break the habit even if he wanted to. No, he needed help knowing how to cover the scars, or hide them better during show time. One of these times, his luck would run out and he would be figured out completely.

A slight tingling sensation moved up his arm and he itched to make yet another cut. The urge was strong, but it was not the right place nor time to do so. There were too many people around, which meant he’d be more prone to being caught. No, chances were that on that particular night, he’d have to ignore the longing that was nagging at him and wait until a better day where he’d have more privacy. When that would be, he did not know. All he could hope for was that it would be soon.

He continued to dance, smiling at a girl in the front row who held up a sign proclaiming her teenage love for him. He waved with a forced smile and blew her a kiss, which caused her to shriek, latching her hands on to her friend, shaking her in excitement as they jumped up and down. He shook his head, moving in motion with the other four. Exhaustion was catching up with him more drastically. He wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to make it the rest of the show, but pushed himself on to do so.

The night before, he’d snuck down to the pool room to find his hidden treasure and put it to use. He tried to cut himself, however it didn’t work out as planned. It left a well defined scrape, but nothing that would leave him the satisfaction he so longed for. Taking the stick, he had closed his eyes and stabbed himself on his forearm, wincing in pain from the puncture it had left, forcefully drawing it down his arm. He wanted to cry out in excruciating pain, but gritted his teeth. The feeling was like no other. When he’d finished, he’d wrapped a cloth around his arm to stop the bleeding. Hours later, back up in his room, he had looked at the fresh mark. It wasn’t a clean cut like the others, but rather a jagged, rough line that he knew would scar worse than the others. He knew he’d have to be more careful in his cutting utensil selections.

Realizing his mind had wandered, he put his attention back on the show. It was just over half way through. He was starting to think that performing wasn’t for him and once the tour was over, he’d mention to the Boy’s about finding a replacement. He'd figure out some excuse to make up for his leaving. Cutting was something he had to do, and in his business, he could only take it so far. With a sigh, he ran off stage with the others for the intermission. He had plenty of time to think it over, but in the end, he already knew the decision he would be making.

Chapter Four

Howie woke up to sun pouring through the window of his hotel room. He squinted his eyes, not expecting to wake up to such a thing. Not after the raunchy weather they’d had the day before. He took a moment to come completely in to reality before sitting up and swinging his legs over the bed. He stood and stretched, walking over to the window. He pulled open the curtains, pleased by the sight that greeted him. The sunshine became more vibrant, already putting him in to a good mood for the day. Sure, it would still be cold out, he knew, and there was still several inches of snow covering the ground, however there was not a single cloud in sight.

“What the fuck are you doing, D?” A.J. grumbled as he pulled his pillow out from over his head, placing it over, “Some of us are trying to sleep at the hour of...” he paused to peek out from under the pillow, “eleven in the morning.” he finished, putting the pillow back over his head, holding it down with his arms.

Howie ignored his friends grumpiness. He wasn’t going to let A.J. ruin his mood, when after yesterday, it was much improved. He hoped that everyone else’s would be as well.

Going in to the bathroom, Howie started the shower. He could hear A.J. grumble some profanities loudly from the bedroom, throwing something against the wall opposite side of the shower. Howie laughed as he slid his boxer shorts off of his lean body, stepping in to the warm stream of water. His friend definitely was not a morning person. In fact, he and Kevin were really the only one’s who were. The others were grumpier than old men if they had to wake up at any hour before noon. This was no exception.

After finishing up, Howie stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. He walked over to the mirror, wiping off the layer of condensation that had surfaced the entire rectangle of glass so he could see his reflection. As he rubbed his face with shaving cream, a pounding on the main door sounded. Less than a minute later, it came again.

“Aje, could you get that?” Howie yelled.

He heard a loud THUD. Likely A.J. getting out of bed, rather irate. Then there were the loud, thunderous footsteps echoing across the ground. Howie chuckled. He assumed his friend must have fallen back asleep, but only temporatily.

“God damnit stupid mother fucker,” A.J. yelled, ranting on as he walked to the door,“Who the hell comes knocking on the door waking me up. And why can’t YOU get your lazy ass out of the bathroom and open the door yourself. I swear, I am going to quit taking all you all shit and make you flippin do crap for yourselves for once. Spoiled pecker-heads. Just can’t sleep in on our only day o..”

Suddenly A.J’s voice stopped and the door opened. Howie could hear another male voice, wondering who it was. It wasn’t one he recognized, then again the bathroom fan was on, distorting things a little. Even A.J’s was slightly muffled through the obnoxiously loud built in fan. Curious as to who it was, Howie quickly finished up his bathroom business and got dressed, going out to join A.J. and whoever else was out there. He was surprised to find Nick, of all people. Nick, who usually was the last to be ready. And he looked to be high on energy, telling Howie that the young boy must’ve had his caffeine fix for the morning, or forgot to take his medicine.

“Hi D!,” Nick exclaimed, bouncing up and down, “The guys are heading down to Max and Erma’s for brunch. Wanna join us? We’re hitting the road soon as we’re done. J here is being a butt head and is yelling at me for waking him up, so I don’t think he’s gonna come. But everyone else is. Wanna join?”

Howie laughed at Nick’s talking as if he were auctioning off something. It was obvious that the show the previous night had left him in a good mood. Either that he’d gone straight to sleep and woken up on the right side of the bed. Either way, if his energy kept up, Howie knew that he’d be annoying the whole group.

“Sure, why not,” Howie stated after thinking a moment, “Nothing else to do until departure. Count me in.”

They both looked at A.J. who was still glaring off in to space, obviously still trying to wake up completely. Either that trying not to wake up completely so he could easily fall back into a deep slumber as soon as soon as everybody had left him alone. He blankly turned his head to stare at Nick, and then to Howie.

“Whatever,” he muttered, “I’ll be there too.”

“Awesome!,” Nick shouted, jumping up and pumping a fist in to the air, “Totally awesome. I’ll go let Kev and Bri know.”

He turned to leave when Howie noticed some severe scratches tracing up Nick’s arms and one on his face. His eyes widened at the fresh gashes that looked scarily serious. There were at least a dozen of them, red and not yet scabbed over.

“Nick,” Howie called, and the youngest Boy stopped and turned back around, “What happened to you?” he nodded towards the gashes.

Nick blushed, “Oh, ummm...yeah. Last night after the show I snuck out to grab something from Mickey D’s. I took a back way down some alley,” he paused, humiliated with the next part, “I was attacked by a dog. A stupid pit bull. Probably guarding his territory.”

“Ah,” Howie replied, raising an eyebrow, “At least it didn’t kill you. Those things can be vicious.”

Nick shrugged as if this thought hadn’t even phased him. He was alive and fine. There was nothing to worry about, right?

“We’ll all meet you in the hall in ten, kay?” Nick stated, waiting to get approval.

“Sounds good.” Howie replied, “See ya in ten. I’ll try to hurry Aje up the best I can since he’s moving in slow motion.”

Nick laughed and seconds later he disappeared.
Howie shook his head in amusement and shut the door. He turned and walked in to the bedroom part of the suite. A.J. had lay back down on the bed atop the rumpled up sheets and bedspread. He was flopped over, his eyes shut with a pillow over them.

“We’re leaving in ten minutes,” Howie forewarned his best friend getting a deep, muffled groan in response.

Howie walked into the TV room leaving A.J. to fend for himself when it came to getting out of bed and flipped on the television, turning it to the weather channel to see what the temperature and atmosphere would be like where they were heading to. He was pleased to see that it would be cold still, yet at least the sun would be out. That was an improvement at least. He couldn’t wait to leave Maine. In only a few hours that would be possible.


>

This was supposed to be part of Chapter Four, but for some reason it did not post. So here is the rest of the chapter! Enjoy and please review!
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“This is the longest fucking bus ride I have ever taken in my life,” Nick whined, staring out of the darkly tinted glass window. He slouched down crossing his arms over his chest, “Are we there yet?”

He was ignored by everybody once again. Ever since they’d left Maine, he had been complaining, therefore the rest of the group was trying to drown him out for the remainder of the trip...before they went ballistic on him. Nick stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. He hated being ignored, and he was still extremely hyper. He started bouncing up and down in his seat like a small child.

“Are we there yet?” he asked again, once more getting no response. He tapped Kevin on the shoulder, poking him repeatedly, “Daddy, are we there yet? Huh?”

Brian snorted, trying to hold in a laugh at Nick’s last comment. Leave it to Nick to say something stupid yet completely off the wall. It had struck him as funny, but Kevin looked less than amused as he lifted his eyes up over the paper he was reading, glaring at Nick. He raised an eyebrow and shook his head, returning his attention to his article. Nick sighed, slumping down even further into the seat. It was obvious that he’d given up on Kevin for the time being. This was probably a good thing before the eldest snapped or backhanded Nick across the back of his head...again. Nick seemed to get that a lot, weather it was playfully or out of being a pain in the ass.

“I’m bored,” Nick stated subconsciously.

“Then play your Play Station thingy.” Kevin finally replied, “Just be quiet for more than five minutes.”

“I can’t,” Nick muttered.

Kevin took the paper down completely and stared at Nick along with AJ, Brian and Howie. Nick blushed shamefully. He knew that they were waiting for answer, but he stubbornly refused to speak until he was pushed for more information.

“Oh, and why not?” Kevin asked skeptically, unable to wait to hear this excuse. He knew it would be good.

Nick could see that one coming from a mile away. It would be too good to be true for them to leave him alone about it. They were all waiting now for his answer and Nick knew he wouldn’t have enough time to think up a creative excuse. The truth would have to do.

“I kinda left it back in Bangor...behind the bus...” he muttered quietly, his voice trailing off slightly.

“Niiiick,” the group groaned in unison.

“This is the fourth one you’ve lost, numb nuts.” Brian stated.

“You’d lose your dick if it weren’t attached,” A.J. retorted, “And we can’t get ya another one of those, so thankfully it is permanently affixed.”

Nick scowled, pulling up the sleeves of his sweatshirt a little and crossing his arms over his chest again. He was always being made fun of and picked on. He was starting to feel like a joke. Kept around for entertainment. All was quiet for a few moments, but that was about all.

“Holy crap Nick,” Kevin’s eyes widened, “What the hell happened to your arms? Please tell me that wasn’t your doings?”

Nick rolled his eyes, but beings it had been nothing but cold, with winter clothes weather, he could see where it would be easy to hide something. He just hated people looking at him accusingly, like they all were at that moment.

“I was attacked by a dog,” Nick cried out, “Dude, big nasty mean dog. End o story. I’m not exactly proud of it, man.”

The rest of the trip was quiet. The whole hour and a half that was left of it anyways. As soon as the bus came to a half at the hotel though, Nick was the first off.

“Thank GOD,” he breathed, then turned to everyone else, “Since it is still early, could I please go somewhere?”

Kevin let out an exasperated sigh. He knew that since he was the oldest, Nick was really waiting for his approval. Nick had been getting on his nerves all day and it was obvious that he was still high strung on energy.

“Yes, just go. Be back by eight...that gives you two hours.” Kevin told him, knowing fully well that it would be at least three before the blonde would return, ‘And be careful.”

“Thanks!” Nick exclaimed, and he was off in search of a cab. He was going insane with boredom and knew he had some business to take care of and it had to be done that night.
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He sighed as he slumped down in to the sofa chair, leaning his head back in exhaustion. It had been a long day. He needed something to relax him...take away the pain for a temporary short time. Tonight wasn’t a good night though. His roommate was asleep just feet from him. It would be too close. Too much of a risk. If his roommate awakened, he would be caught red handed, literally. He would be sent off to some unknown place to get help...rehab for his habit, which it’s only intent was to help him out. Nobody would understand him or try to. They’d deem him crazy and treat him like some sort of freak. No, he definitely didn’t want to risk anything. So his body trembled, shivers running up and down his arms with the undying urge to cut some more. He tried to shake it away, however it wasn’t working. The urge just got worse. He hoped that he could go the night without giving in, but at this rate, he was beginning to think that he wouldn’t be able to and would have to sneak off to somewhere hidden to take away the pain that he felt doing nothing about it period.

Today had been close, and he had to give props to Nick for taking any suspicion that had possibly been on him away. He could see the way his friend had looked at Nick, and he’d tried to do the same. A look of doubt. A look that said that they didn’t believe him. I mean, who would have thought that being attacked by a bit bull would produce what would leave nasty scars on the exact same spots as his own self produced ones? He hated that everyone was now thinking that Nick was possibly cutting. But now he felt he was safe for the time being and nobody would suspect anything...if he was careful, that was. Now he had to be more careful than ever, and hoped that deep down nobody would turn Nick in for something he wasn’t doing. Apparently the others had all asked him the same question because he’d seemed rather annoyed and like he’d explained many other times when he himself had brought it up. Then again, they were all like family, so each of the others probably had asked him the same question. All that mattered was that everyone would probably be keeping a close eye on Nick for awhile to make sure nothing else appeared on his body. As for himself, he felt he was in the clear as long as he chose his moments carefully.

Closing his eyes, he tried to drown out the pang that was taking over him. His breathing started to come out slightly heavy, his heart pounding in his chest. He itched to cut himself with something...anything. He’d thought about breaking a window to use a shard of glass, but it would be too messy...not what it would do to himself, but with glass being everywhere. He really didn’t care what he did to himself. He had nothing anymore. He honest to god felt as if he had nothing...not even a girlfriend or wife to fall back on, to tell him everything would be okay in his crazy, fucked up life. But there was nothing, and the cuts were becoming deeper, bigger, more serious. And oddly, the deeper they were, the more relieved he felt. The less they hurt. The more control he felt he had. But the scars were becoming quite visible. He knew he’d have to make a decision fast about leaving the group, because he knew that it wouldn’t be long before everybody started to see and notice them...fans and all. He knew deep down that this would be his last tour, even though it was hard for himself to admit it to himself too. He just needed to wait until the perfect moment to bring it up to the guys. It would definitely not be easy, and he knew that they’d be irate with him, but in the end it was the right thing to do and they’d be fine without him after some adjustments.

Getting up, he walked over to his bed. He needed to try to fall asleep before he did something right then and there. If anybody woke up or came to the door, he’d be in trouble. He’d hid it for this long. He wanted to hide his habit for longer.

They were now in Massachusetts, he believed. He hadn’t payed much attention. Just sat in the bus, trying to preoccupy himself so he didn’t do anything to himself. They had a show the next night in Boston as well as a signing in the morning. He needed his rest so he could fake a certain energy during it all. He needed to pretend to be his happy old self, as if nothing could bother him. That was getting harder too, but in his line of business, it was something that absolutely had to be done, but only for another few weeks, and then he would be free.

Chapter Five

Brian smiled at a young girl as she shakily handed him a CD booklet from the groups Black and Blue album. She stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights, as if she were terrified of him. He quickly scribbled his signature and passed the booklet on down to Kevin, whom was sitting next to him.

“Thank you,” she whispered to him not trusting her voice completely enough to speak out loud, giving a half smile.

“Your very welcome, sweetheart,” Brian drawled in his southern accent. He smiled back at her, his bright blue eyes shining.

That morning had come much too soon. All of them had stayed up late, mostly worrying about Nick, who’d been out until almost midnight...many hours past the curfew Kevin had given him. But when he had finally come through the door, he was carrying three large bags from Toys R Us. It went without saying that he’d likely gone out to buy a new Play Station 2...again and replace all of his games, plus some, that he’d probably left behind as well. He couldn’t go more than a day without any of them. Get Nick into a toy store, and he spent hours there. In fact, nobody could tear him away until he was good and ready. And if he was forced out, he threw a fit and pouted for the rest of the day as if he really were five years old. The point was though, everybody was exhausted from being pulled out of bed by eight that morning. The signing was to start at ten. When the Boys’ had shown up at half past nine, there was already a large line of girls waiting. Brian found it unfortunate that they were only doing signings in five select cities throughout the entire tour. It left a lot of fans out.

“Hi. Could you please sign this?” a girl who looked to be about eighteen asked, shyly handing him a blank piece of paper. She’d distracted him from his thoughts, making him realize he couldn’t remember anything from the past few minutes. He’d just gone along with the motions, not paying attention. Daydreaming. He’d learned in the past years that daydreaming would happen...a lot, but you had to keep going as if you were as clear headed and with what was going on at all times. Sometimes he had trouble with that part.

Brian grinned, asking her what her name was so he could personalize it. She told him it was Mica. He signed and handed it to Kevin as he did with the ones before. The line continued to grow with every person that they met. They’d only been there an hour. The line would be cut off in another ninety minutes or so. Brian’s thoughts were distracted again by Nick’s voice ringing out in a sing-song voice.

“Lookie what I got!” he exclaimed, causing the other four’s eyes to advert towards him. He was holding up a rather large bra, swinging it in the air.

“Oh lord,” Brian muttered, chuckling slightly, “Here we go again.”.

“Always get one of those,” A.J. countered, shaking his head in amusement, “What I don’t get is that when Nick acts all immature, like he’s never seen one before, the girls blush all embarrassed and shit. They should expect it without thought by now.”

They looked at Nick who was now strapping the bra to his head and puffing up the cups to make it look like he had big, round ears. He grinned impishly. This caused girls in line behind the now humiliated bra owner to laugh as she bowed her head in shame, just wishing he would sign it with the felt tipped sharpie she’d given them to use also.

“And he does that with them,” Brian laughed, then loudly said in his friends direction, “Take it off and pass it along. You’ve done enough to the poor girl.” he demanded lightheartedly of his friend.

Nick stuck his bottom lip out and unstrapped it hesitantly. He signed it quickly and handed it to Howie who was second in line. Unfortunately, Nick was first up in the walk of shame the girl had to counter instead of last, where she could just bolt.

“I swear that boy is out of his mind,” Kevin grumbled, smiling at her apologetically as she reached him last. After getting her bra back, she bolted as fast as she could away before Nick could say anything else to her in front of the crowd laughing at her expense.

“More like lost his mind,” Brian laughed, hoping that there wouldn’t be another incident like that, especially with a pair of underwear. Or worse yet, a thong. That would not go over well at all. A rather disturbing image entered Brian’s mind of a thong over Nick’s face, string side going up over the center of his face, nose and all. He quickly shook the thought from his mind, shuddering in disgust. Lord, he hoped these girls had more common sense than that. It would save them all from pictures in their heads that would cause nightmares for a very long time.

Just as predicted, the signing lasted not much longer than an two and a half hours. Just on time to finish the last of the people in line, which had been cut off at the end ninety before. Thankfully, no other girls had brought in personal belongings. They’d been saved this time, although it was for sure that there would be a lovely photograph of Nick’s head piece in some tabloid in the next week.

“That sure was interesting,” A.J. commented as they were walking back out to the bus, followed by tight security, “These New England chicks are racy.”

“Chicks are racy period when it comes to seeing us...although I dunno why,” Brian stated, then grinned jokingly, “At least nobody flashed us this time. We’ve seen more pairs of breasts than is healthy for any male.”

“Like you mind, you little perve.” Howie laughed.

Brian blushed and shrugged. True, he was religious, but definitely didn’t mind seeing some boobs now and then. He was only human....male human. He could only keep his urges and thoughts obtained so much. Other than being religious and spiritual, he was pretty much like any other guy out there.

“Oh well, whatever,” Howie stated with a shrug as he climbed on to the bus, “Not the first time, wont be the last either. I’m just looking forward to sleeping for a few minutes before the show tonight. I don’t think I’ll last if I go the whole day on this little energy.”

“I hear ya,” Nick announced, “Sleepy sounds good! How bout it, Daddy? Can we go sleepy? Pwease?”

Kevin rolled his eyes and ignored Nick, knowing that his mind would wander to something else within a few minutes if he just looked the other way. Sure enough it did. Looking at his pocket sized schedule, Kevin saw that until the show, there was really nothing planned.

“As long as we stay around the general area, I don’t see why you can’t do whatever,” he stated, “The rest of the week is booked solid, so enjoy it today while you can.”

He had plans of his own. Plans that involved meeting up with his wife, who was in the area on modeling business. He hadn’t seen her in months, and needed some personal catching up and bonding time. Especially since their relationship was on the rocks. He was determined to fix things before they were too bad to ever repair.

“Just be back by three-thirty...we have to be at the arena at four-thirty...gives us a good two and a half hours of freedom.” Kevin warned, “And no being late this time...for the love of god. Lets be responsible for once.”

“Yes, Daddy,” Nick grinned, backing up quickly with the dirty look Kevin was giving him. He liked the new name he’d been calling Kevin for the past two days though and was addicted to using it. He found it funny. The others, minus Kevin, did too by the laughs they all tried to stifle whenever he used it.

“Just be back by three-thirty, huh?’ Kevin responded. rolling his green eyes.

The bus was just pulling back up in to the hotel parking lot. This would be their last hotel for about a week. The rest of the week, they’d be sleeping on the bus. By the looks of it, Kevin was going to be the only one taking off. The others had visions of sleep in their minds. He’d be the only one having to make it back by his own deadline. The others made their way sluggishly in to the hotel. Kevin stayed on the bus, knowing it would be his form of transportation to surprise his wife at the hotel she was staying with other models on the same trip. He had just over two hours and wanted to make the most of his time. Hopefully that time was spent creating good times and not more bad.

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Taking a deep breath, Kevin pushed open the
front doors to the Hyatt. He knew that his wives recitals were taking place in one of the empty rooms of the Convention Center attached to the enormous hotel. The question was, which one? She’d left out that detail. He’d tried calling her cell phone, but had been sent straight to voice mail, which told him that at that moment, she was in the middle of business.

Wandering around the lobby area of the large hotel and down a long narrow hallway leading to the convention center, he started to see signs that directed viewers to the models. He followed them, ending up in a room with a runway, but was stopped short at a doorway when he opened it and was stopped by security.

“I’m going to have to see your pass,” he guard stated gruffly as he blocked access to the entire door way , crossing his arms over his huge chest.

Kevin looked past his shoulder and saw a woman he recognized vaguely from other runway shows he’d seen his wife in. He wondered if he’d missed her already, or if she was even there at the moment.

“One of the models is my wife,” he explained, “Kristin...”

“Oh, yes. I recognize you now,” the man cut him off, eyeing him up and down for a second cautiously jjust to make sure before saying, “Okay, go on in.”

Kevin stepped past the man without another word, breezing in to the room and taking a seat towards the front. The place was nearly empty, beings they were just practicing. The real show would take place closer to the time where the Boys were to do their own performance. He watched for a few minutes as each tall, elegant woman took the runway, already perfect in every aspect; their confidence, their attitude, their looks, their show. He had to admit that he was impressed. And then Kristin appeared and his breath caught in his throat. She looked absolutely breathtaking in every way. She walked down the runway with attitude, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder with one sharp turn of her head, stopping at the end , where during the real show photographers would capture the moment. Her eyes fell on Kevin and he could tell that she was shocked, but after a moment regained her composure acting as if she hadn’t a worry in the world. Seconds later she was walking back the other way and soon disappeared all together just as another woman came in to view. Kevin sighed, not helping but to believe that she wasn’t happy to see him. So much for being a good surprise. He slumped down in to his seat, watching but not really paying attention. He didn’t want to be rude and leave in the middle of one of their routines, at least having that much respect. Looking at his watch, he saw that he still had about an hour to go before he had to head back.

“What are you doing here?” came a firm female voice

Kevin looked sideways and saw his wife standing before him. A nervous smile formed on his face as he quickly stood up and gave her a long hug. She hardly wrapped her arms around him, having them hang limply at her sides mostly. Kevin let go and backed away to observe the once very affectionate woman. She was staring at him, not looking too happy. He felt as if they were worlds apart. Total strangers as he looked at his wife, a woman who’d been his high school sweetheart. What had happened between them?

“I came to see you, darlin.” Kevin answered, attempting to keep a certain happiness in his voice. He tried to kiss her, but she turned her head, sadness in her eyes. He looked at her with confusion, “What’s wrong?”

Kristin shrugged, “I...I’m not sure,” she answered softly, “I think we need to spend some time apart. I need time alone.”

Kevin drew back, wondering if he’d heard her right. He couldn’t have. If he had, what a greeting, a slap in the face. He was dozing off and imagining the worst possible scenario that could happen. Kristin hadn’t really said those words. It was impossible.

“I need time alone, Kevin,” she said again without any emotion in her voice. It was as if she’d been planning this for weeks, “Time to think things over”

“We’re never together,” Kevin tried to protest, “We’re always alone. Why do you need more time alone?”

He was feeling desperate. Sure, things weren’t very good between them lately, but he was willing to try and work things out. All they needed was time together to do that, but he was sure that it could be done. He wasn’t ready to lose his wife. I didn’t think he’d ever be ready to lose her. He wasn’t willing to give up so quickly nor so easily.

“I just need to think about things. Whenever we are together, things are so distant. I feel like we’ve grown apart with out separate careers,” she explained, “I...I think that we both....both need to think about things. If it’s what we want out of a relationship,” she laughed bitterly, “Let’s face it...every time we’re together, we just argue anymore. What kind of relationship is that?”

“I already know what I want,” Kevin stated with anger, his voice rising, “I want you. I can’t believe you even need to think...are willing to practically just throw away a nearly twenty year relationship.”

“It’s not just what I want, Kevin,” Kristin shouted, “If we can’t agree....I don’t know. True, we’re never together anymore. True, I knew we’d be in the same city, but purposely didn’t tell you details of my whereabout because I frankly didn’t want to see you. I think our lifestyles are what’s torn us apart. If You want to stay together but I don’t, it will never work anyway. Frankly, right now, I am leaning more towards divorce...but am freakin thinking things through to decide if it is what I really want. But yes, at this exact moment, I do think that divorce is what is in the cards for us.”

Kevin felt as if he’d been slapped. The word divorce had never once entered his mind. Not ever. Not even in the worst of times. He’d promised to love, honor and cherish her forever. Only a few years after their marriage was nowhere near forever. He still wanted to keep that promise, to apparently she didn’t. It stung. It stung a lot. Here he’d been excited to see his wife, and she wanted nothing to do with him. Kevin was beside himself. He had no idea what to think what so ever. And this was what they did every time they were together or spoke on the phone lately. Fought. Yelled at one another. Although the frightening words Kristin was speaking this day had never come up before. Before it was just casual conversation with an annoying edge. He guessed that this had been on her mind for awhile.

“We promised each other forever, Kris,” he tried, his voice still loud. They were getting stares from all around, but he didn’t care, “Does that mean nothing to you? I love you more than anything. We can make things work if we just try...if you’re willing to try, because I am.”

“Things change, Kevin,” Kristin yelled back, getting more upset by the minute that he wasn’t listening to her. He was begging, and it was pissing her off royally, “Things change. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be to begin with.”

“We promised.” he said again meekly, hoping that it would change something. He was desperate to make things work. He loved her.

“I have work to do,” Kristin said cooly, totally
disregarding everything Kevin had just said, “I’ll call you when I’ve come to a decision.” She said it without any emotion at all. As if she didn’t care how much she was hurting him. And she was...more than she’d ever know.

Kevin looked at her for a long second, seeing that there was not once ounce of caring for him in her eyes. He turned around quickly to leave, walking out of the room, out of the hotel to go back to the group to get ready for the show. He was already out of the room, walking quickly away before Kristin, the woman whom he’d once had a strong connection and inseparable relationship with, could see the blinding tears falling from his eyes.


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It wasn’t working any longer. The cutting wasn’t working because it was becoming too obvious on the places he was cutting, and he hadn’t had the nerve to try elsewhere yet. This angered him, for he had to keep doing it. If he was going to keep going, he knew he had to keep doing it to keep him sane in front of the others.

The performance that night hadn’t been the greatest. In fact, he knew it had been his worst in a long while. He’d had things on his mind. Serious things. People kept asking him if he was alright, and he’d had to lie. Then again, one of the others had been off as well. For this he was thankful. It meant that he wasn’t completely at fault. The other guys kept on taking attention off of him for their own lives blunders. He, however, was the only one harming himself. That he knew. But as long as the others kept messing up too, he knew nobody would ever find out his secret. He hoped that they did keep messing up for this fact.

That day before the show, he’d gone off to the mall to buy some athletic wrist bands from Hot Topic to cover what he’d done on his wrists and around. Everybody had looked at him as if he were an alien, and he kind of was. He didn’t fit in at the store full of people dressed in all black, hair odd colors, piercing’s in places that weren’t natural such as in the back of the neck or through fingers. That was certain. He’d winced in pain just looking at them, but knew it was the only place he’d for certain find what he was looking for.

His depression was becoming more intense every day still. Noting seemed to be getting better. In fact, he hadn’t even heard from his significant other in weeks. He’d thought that they were just taking time off, but things were not looking good. Some of the others relationships had already ended completely recently.

Taking a beer bottle, he threw it hard against the wall. That was another thing that he’d started...drinking. Nobody knew it though. He drank every time he was alone in the room...such as this night. And beings after this they’d be on the road, on a bus for a week, he’d have to get everything out of his system then and there as much as he could. It shattered in to dozens of pieces. He smiled sadly as he went over to the mess, digging though with his bare fingers until he found the largest shard. Picking it up, he made sure that the points would do him justice. Nodding in satisfaction, he stripped down, looking over his body for a place to cut that could be hidden at all times. Without thinking, his hand went directly towards his firm stomach, slicing hard against it. Blood poured out of the wound, and he felt something he hadn’t before. This time was different. Different was good. His once perfect skin was slowly becoming a piece of art. A lovely piece of art in which he had to keep hidden from the world. Nothing could or would ever make him show it off. It was for himself to keep adding to. Every time he felt depressed and like he needed to escape from his sorrows, which was every day, he would make another insertion to take away the raw emotional pain he felt. When he cut, he felt nothing. No more pain. That’s the way he liked it, and once he got the nerve, eventually, he hoped that he felt nothing all together, at all, ever again.

AN: If you havent or dont think you've read Chapter Six yet, read it before this or it won't make any sense at all! lol. Chapter Six is nothing but events that lead up to this chapters events. Thanks! Please review and let me know how I am doing!

Chapter Seven

“Hey Kev, you okay?”

Kevin looked up to see A.J. standing over him. He had a sincere look of concern in his eyes. Kevin supposed he didn’t blame him, or any of the others for that matter. He’d been lost in thought a lot for the past fourteen days. He’d been told he had a far away, sad look in his eyes that was somewhat glossed over. Everything went past him. Not even Nick had annoyed him, for he’d hardly noticed the young boys existence. Nick was starting to feel unappreciated and like he was no longer important or paid attention to. He’d lost his spunk all because he was not getting a reaction out of Kevin. As for Kevin, he felt lost and like nothing mattered anymore. He blinked a few times, mouth hanging open in a face that just said ‘Huh?”

“You okay?” A.J. repeated

“Oh, yeah. Guess so.” Kevin replied in monotone, convincing nobody including himself. Truth be it, he wasn’t okay. Not at all. He was depressed and felt as though his whole world had come crashing down. The thing was, nobody knew why or what had happened to make him this way. He’d become withdrawn, keeping to himself whenever possible.

A.J. looked at him skeptically. Kevin was usually so together with everything. It was rare that one saw Kevin crack and fall apart. In fact, A.J. could swear he’d only seen it happen once in nearly twelve years. So naturally, everybody was worried and wondering what was causing this.

“You’ve been spazzing out on us for a week, Kev. For you, not even one day is normal,” A.J. countered, “Something is up. We care and want to know so we can help you out if we can.”

Kevin just shrugged, continuing to stare in to space. He looked pained. He looked miserable. He looked exhausted both physically and mentally. Most of all, he looked completely confused and like he had nothing to live for. True, Kevin had always been the most serious, but he’d never really been outright depressed like this.

“Nobody can help,” Kevin muttered

His words came out in a way that said he wanted nobody else to hear him or understand him. A.J. had though, and was determined to get to the bottom of it. Kevin had helped him in his own time of need years ago. Now it was A.J’s turn to return that favor and give him something back. It was the least he felt that he could do.

“Aje is right,” Howie stated, “We want to help you, or at least make you feel better if we can in any way. We can’t though if you’re dead set on being down. This is not healthy for you. Stop being stubborn. You’ll feel better if you talk about it. Trust me.” He tried to keep his tone firm and serious yet gentle to let him know that they genuinely did care but were seriously apprehensive about how he was acting as well.

Kevin sighed again, turning his head and looking away. He didn’t know how to tell them about what had happened. He was having a hard time swallowing it himself. Sure, nothing was for sure yet, but he had a sinking feeling that it was heading that way. Every time the thought came to his mind, he choked up, and quickly shook it away before tears surfaced. That was when denial positioned itself into his mind. He’d rather be numb and in denial, distancing himself from the world than in check with reality and hurting the way he had been off and on. He knew that this wasn’t the way to go about it, but he couldn’t help it. Kevin, for the first time in his life, was weak and vulnerable. For once, he wasn’t the one on top of it all, being strong and collected.

“What is it?” A.J. pressed, “You’re acting suicidal on us. Quite frankly, I am getting scared.”

Kevin stared off in to space making everyone believe he hadn’t heard a word any of them had said. They were about to just give up…for the day anyways. He was just thinking though. He didn’t wait his friends, brothers, to think that he was on the verge of ending his life. That wasn’t it at all. True, the thought had crossed his mind, however he would never actually do anything. Kevin knew that this depression would pass with time. It would take awhile, but eventually he would be okay again as the days went on.

“Kristin left me.” Kevin stated out of nowhere.

His sudden words surprised everyone as well as grabbed their attention. They weren’t sure what to say, but knew they’d heard right. Kristin had been Kevin’s life. One reason for his being. Nobody had honestly seen this coming. Apparently Kevin really hadn’t been expecting it either.

“Like, a break?” Nick asked, scrunching his nose up.

Nick himself had never seen a couple quite as compatible as Kevin and Kristin. If things between them didn’t work out, then what hope did the rest of the world have? Not really a change in hell.

Kevin just shook his head s
orrowfully. He bowed his head down to hid tears that had come again. He didn’t want the guys to see his silent mourning. He never had and it was likely he never would.

“Divorce,” Kevin mumbled, keeping his head low.

“Excuse me?” Brian asked, eyes widening significantly. His voice expressed complete surprise.

“She wants a divorce.” Kevin replied miserably. He sniffled and lifted his head up. His eyes were red rimmed with dark circles underneath. It was obvious that he hadn’t slept in days either.

That was another thing. Kevin had given his wife her space for a week. He’d gone on with touring, confident that everything would be okay. When she’d finally called him on his cell phone while she was in Florida and he in Indiana, he’d been sure that she had decided to give things another try. He’d taken a devastating blow when she’d instead told him that she had, in fact thought things over, and he would be faxed divorce papers in the near future. He hadn’t received them yet, but he hadn’t heard from the woman since, knowing that she had meant it. They would be coming soon. In a few weeks time, he would officially be single once more.

“What happened?” Brian asked his cousin, unable to understand any of it as well as slightly disturbed to see the effect this was having on him. Then again, his divorce had been mutual. There was a difference between both wanting it and one bringing it up without warning when the other still was in love.

“She said she didn’t love me anymore,” Kevin replied without hesitation this time. He was finally ready to talk. The little bit he’d already done had already helped a little. Howie had been right. For that, he was thankful.

“I can’t believe she did that to you,” Brian stated, shaking his head in disgust with the woman who’d hurt Kevin. He’d thought that she was better than that, and certainly would’ve had more taste than to end things just like that without any indications of it. It was cruel, and he believed that nobody, especially someone as sweet, caring and kind as Kevin, deserved that, “It’ll get better,” he stated assuringly, “She isn’t worth worrying about if that is how she is going to be.”

“That doesn’t help me now though,” Kevin took a deep breath to try and keep his feelings in check, “Cuz it still hurts.”

He was surrounded by four hugs of comfort at once from his ‘brothers’. He knew that because his twenty-year relationship ended, it would be a long time until his heart mended, but with the love and support of his best friends, he’d somehow get through it. It would be a slow process, and he’d be sad and miss her for months, and probably even years to come, but he’d somehow be okay.


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Howie snickered as he walked through the checkout line at the grocery store when he spotted the cover of US Weekly magazine. Just as predicted, there was a glossy eight by ten photograph of Nick grinning like a fool, eyes squeezed shut, bra strapped firmly in to place around his head. The others were faded out to a blur, but that was to be expected. Nick was the ‘special’ star of that day. His moment was forever captured on to film for the world to see. He looked down the line of magazines to see if any other reporters or photographers had captured the moment. Little to his surprise, the National Enquirer had a similar image on its cover. The caption read, “Youngest Member of Backstreet Boys Sporting Second Job as Cross Dresser?” Howie shook his head and laughed. Only a tabloid would twist a picture of an innocently goofy kid into something totally ridiculous. He quickly grabbed a copy of each and put them with the rest of his purchases. He couldn’t wait to show the others. They’d all razz Nick like no tomorrow. He had, after all, brought it upon himself in the worst and most obvious way. It would be fun to be the one to create the chaos for once, as evil as it felt. Besides, it might even help to cheer Kevin up. He was a little better, for days later, but still extremely sad.

Grabbing his few bags and thanking the cashier, Howie made his way back out to the bus where everyone was waiting for him. They were on their way out to Missouri for their next show. There were only two and a half weeks left of the tour. It was quickly coming to an end.

“Hey guys,” Howie greeted the others as he walked to the back of the bus to join them, “I got the stuff we needed, plus some other things.” He wiggled his eyebrows, staring in Nick’s direction.

“Whadid I do now?” he asked in confusion, for as far as he knew, he’d done nothing wrong. He was not even close to realizing the attack that was about to be bestowed upon him.

Howie grinned as he pulled the magazines out of the bag. He folded them to hide the pictures as he handed them over to AJ to start off. AJ eyed him warily before unfolding the magazines and gazing down at him. His lips retorted into a smirk as he tried to suppress a laugh. An enormous snort came out instead as he flipped to the larger of the magazines with the caption. He lost it at this. Nick, a cross dresser? It was too funny not to laugh, and they’d picked the perfect opportunity to attack him with the sickly twisted accusation. They’d even altered the picture to make it look like Nick had lipstick on and mascara, making his lashes longer and darker as well as large hoop earrings. The image was too comical and looked surprisingly real despite the alterations. He looked up above the page and glanced at a rather confused Nick before breaking out into loud, thunderous laughter. Nick would not ever in his life live this one down.

“What’s so funny?” Nick whined, “I wanna know. I always get left out of everything.” He stuck out his bottom lip in a definite pout.

AJ continued to laugh as he handed the magazines over to Brian, who also found humor in them. Only he didn’t even try to keep a straight face. It would be no use anyways. He knew because of that one photograph, that he would never be able to look as his best friend, the other half of the Frick and Frack clan, in the same light again.

“Thought you’d appreciate that,” Howie grinned, “I know I did. Just couldn’t resist buying them to frame.”

“Treasure it forever,” Brian chuckled, ignoring Nick’s pleas along with everyone else. He would obviously be the last to see his now humiliating moment, “This second one is quite...unique.” he referred to the one where Nick was made up in makeup.

“Tell me!” Nick exclaimed, becoming antsy.

Kevin raised an eyebrow becoming amused with the situation. He too wondered what was going on, for he had yet to know too. He found out soon enough when his little cousin handed him the magazines. It wasn’t long before a slow, small smile formed on his lips. It was his first real, genuine smile since his encounter with his soon to be ex wife. It felt good to him. It had felt slightly unnatural, but good. Leave it to an incident to Nick to lighten up his mood.

“How about that,” he mused, “Not even a month passed, and already getting publicity.”

“What? Tell me.”

“I know,” Howie mocked horror, “Who would have thought it would happen at all, and so soon yet? It’s just great.”

“Better than Bat Boy,” A.J. snickered, naming off another front cover story from the Enquirer from years ago, “Half boy, half bat…a vampire night and day.”

All laughed but Nick, who was becoming furious that nobody was including him. He felt left out again, and Kevin was still ignoring him for the most part. He’d lost his spark and humor. It was on temporary hiatus until he was recognized as the groups clown and jokester again.

“This would look pretty hanging up front in the bus, or even here, for us to always remember.” Kevin stated simply as if he already had thoughts in mind for it.

Nick grabbed the magazines from Kevin’s hands grumpily; unhappy that he was the last to find what was so funny. When he did look down though, he became horrified. Mortified. He wanted to crawl under the bus and hide. Maybe even have the gears change on it out of nowhere and run him over. The first one wasn’t so bad, but the second one that the tabloid had made up, was beyond anything he’d ever expected. He put to his mind that he would never do anything so bold again when there were cameras nearby. It had put his name to disgrace. That would be hard, because in his life, there were always cameras somewhere.

“We have to burn these.” Nick demanded, “Right now. Nobody can ever see them again.”

“Too late. They’re on store magazine shelves nationwide,” Brian reminded Nick, then became sympathetic in a joking way, “Oh, but don’t worry. It will be all over in a week with new issues. In a couple of months, everybody will have forgotten about the cross-dresser Backstreet Boy.”

Nick let out a low growl, unhappy with the teasing he was encountering. He knew he’d never hear the end of it. Day one of the rest of his life. That was the direction this seemed to be heading in.

“So tell us, Nicky,” AJ asked, “When do you have time to be a woman?” he pretended to think for a minute, “Oh, I got it. You sneak out to night clubs in the middle of the night, don’t you?”

Nick lost his temper at this last comment, flying up from his seat on the bus and tackling AJ to the ground, pinning him down hard. His head hit with a loud thunk. AJ’s eyes widened with slight surprised. He didn’t show it other than that though. All he did was laugh as Kevin hulled Nick up, thrusting him back in to a chair. Nick crossed his arms and glared, his mood becoming worse as Kevin scolded him for being such a poor sport. This was definitely going to be an interesting two and a half weeks, if they all survived it.


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He was distressed. There had not been one moment in almost three weeks that he’d been able to cut. He hated the feeling that was coming over him and he was even becoming moody in front of the others, which was a bad thing. A very bad thing. He’d hid it so well up til now, but that was when he’d been able to take part in his habit whenever he pleased. For the past nineteen days though, they’d all been together as if bound by glue. Being on the bus for longer than anticipated due to some mixups by management had delayed things quite a bit. He couldn’t do it on the bus any longer, for one of the times he had, he’d left a small trace of blood that one of the others had found and inquired about. He’d had to lie and say it was from a bloody nose. He couldn’t risk things again because he knew that others would become suspicious.

This was the first time they were in a hotel again. The first time he could relieve his pain. He needed to do it before he went insane. So he could go back to faking a happy front when in public. With the way things were, that was impossible for him. He needed this. He needed to be able to act as if nothing were wrong.

Making his way into the bathroom in the hotel lobby, he made sure that nobody else was in there before grabbing a large handful of paper towels and locking himself into the handicap stall for extra room. He leaned against the sidewall and slunk down to the floor, peeling his baggy athletic pants down, knowing that if somebody else came in, they’d be easier to pull back up. He examined his skin for a new place to cut, deciding on his upper thigh. Taking a sharp, torn piece of sheet metal he’d found earlier that day out of his pocket, he went down hard on his thigh to start the cut. He winced and let out a muffled gurgle of pain as he forcefully and roughly dug it deeper into his flesh then drug it across the inside before making a clean swipe out of it after a four inch insertion.

This time he cut, he went deeper than usual. It was a new feeling. He was becoming riskier and more experimental with it, wanting to test his limits. He placed the towels firmly upon the wound to stop the bleeding after watching in satisfaction for a while as the thick red liquid poured out. It took longer to stop this time, but eventually it did after what must have been fifteen minutes. He sighed. The more days that passed, the more determined he was to eventually bring up quitting the band. It was becoming too much to handle. Something he one enjoyed was becoming an obligation of torture. After that, he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be alive. His emotional pain was becoming too suffocating. It was becoming too much of a burden to live with. He no longer wanted to live. Which was why one day, he was determined to bring his habit to suicidal level. He just needed to find the courage and right time and place to carry through. Once he did, he knew that the guys would be upset, but all that mattered to him was that everything would finally be at peace for him for the first time in ages.

Chapter Eight

Just as expected, Kevin did receive the divorce papers Kristin had promised. They were delivered to his hotel room one afternoon, right as they were about to leave for their show that night. It had taken just about three weeks for him to get them, making him think that just maybe Kristin had changed her mind. But there they were, right in front of his face in an eight by ten manila envelope, sent out straight from the Court House.

Kevin stared at the envelope, hoping that my some miracle there was anything but the divorce papers inside of it. He sighed, starting to tear it open but stopped short. As long as he didn’t know what was in it, he was safe. He was safe from hurt and heart-break. He’d still be married and pretend that his wife still loved him and they were doing fine in an everlasting relationship that could never be broken.

That wasn’t realistic though. Kevin snapped from his thoughts as he slowly stuck his finger under the seal and released the adhesive glue. He folded the flap back and dug his hand inside of it, pulling out a thin stack of papers, leafing through them, each one’s heading having something to do with divorce. Each one was signed by Kristin in blue pen that stood out as if in bold print with a blank line below her signature for his own. He looked up and pursed his lips together and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath through is nostrils to keep the tears from coming. It wasn’t any use though, for they came anyway. He looked back down as a tear dropped on to the top paper, smudging Kristin’s signature slightly. He grabbed a pen, knowing that he had to sign sooner or later. He might as well make it sooner and get it over with. He pressed the tip to the blank line, starting to sign, but stopped as if trying to figure out if this was real or just a bad dream. He’d never in a million year expected things to end like this, or at all for that matter. He’d dated the woman since he was a junior in high school, and they’d broken up for only a short time before falling back together by fate. They’d married when he was in his early thirties. Now, things were ending again…only this time, permanently.

They’d spent so much time apart due to their careers that when they were together, he’d considered it to be a treasure. Kristin, on the other hand, had obviously seen it to be nothing more than a burden. They’d been on different wave lengths all this time. The question was, how long? Kevin wondered if there had been signs and he’d been too blind to see them, or had Kristin hidden her feelings making it impossible for him to know until she was ready for him to.

Kevin shook his head to clear it again, realizing he was back to square one of having a stack of papers before him still unsigned. With one last deep breath, he quickly went though them, scribbling his signature down and dating the documents, placing them back in to a neat stack once he was done. He rummaged through the envelope to find a folded manila envelope stuffed in the bottom of it, pre addressed and stamped. Kevin slid them in carefully and sealed it, finalizing the deal without a fight. A fight would only cause problems in the future, and he couldn’t be married to somebody who didn’t love him back. It wouldn’t be fair to himself.

“Whatcha up to?”

Kevin looked up to see Nick walking towards him. He hadn’t even heard his friend and band mate come through the door. Kevin just shrugged his masculine shoulders, forcing a smile on his sad face.

“Not a whole lot,” Kevin answered, “You?”

Nick shrugged back, “I’m bored.” He whined, “Ain’t there anything to do around here?”

“Where are the others?” Kevin hinted, really preferring to be left alone to collect his thoughts at the moment.

“Out…I dunno where.” Nick responded glumly, plopping down on the floor next to where Kevin sat, “They left without me though cuz I was too slow getting ready.”

“Imagine that,” Kevin mocked horror, “Nickolas Gene Carter late. Who would have thought?”

Nick scowled which caused Kevin to laugh, forgetting for a second that he’d just completed his divorce process…the final step before putting the envelope in the mail later that afternoon.

“I’m not that bad.” Nick was quick to defend himself.

Kevin didn’t reply to this, unsure of what to say. Nick knew that this meant that he really was that bad. He blushed slightly, but at least Kevin was in a playful mood instead of serious and harping at him for his tendency to be delayed with everything that he did solo or when it came to the group. Kevin frowned again though when his eye caught the envelope. He didn’t want to be sad, so he scanned his brain for anything to say that would lighten the mood and cheer him up.

“Oh yeah,” Kevin stated mischievously, “Nick…you got a phone call.”

“I did?’ Nick questioned as he scrunched his nose up in confusion, “From who? I’m rooming with Brian…wouldn’t they have called my room?”

Kevin shook his head, trying to keep a straight face, “Nah...special call. It was from a night-club wanting to know why Nicola wasn’t there last night for her…” Kevin coughed, “I mean his performance.” He was deciding to make fun of others misfortunes to console his own, even though he knew it was cruel.

“Shut the fuck up.” Nick grumbled, expecting this from any of the others, but definitely not Kevin. He was wrong though, for he was safe from nobody when it came to the jokes, and they’d been coming almost daily now since the articles.

“Just letting you know,” Kevin smirked, enjoying being immature for once, “They seemed pretty angry to have their leading lady be a no-show. Men came from hours away to see you.”

“Fuck you,” Nick spat, his eyes narrowing as he got up and walked towards the door, “I don’t have to take this abuse.”

“Awe, c’mon Nicky,” Kevin laughed, “I was just joking around.”

Nick turned back around to look at Kevin square in the eye. “Just cuz your wife left you doesn’t give you the right to pick on me like some bully to make yourself feel better. I have feelings too.”

Kevin frowned and before he could apologize to Nick, the blonde boy was gone. Kevin sighed as he realized he was alone again to face the reality he just wished would go away quicker than it seemed to be.

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He looked down at all of the destruction he’d done to himself, tears falling from his eyes slowly. He was in the middle of an emotional breakdown, nothing able to stop it. He placed the tip of his shaky finger over the beginning of one of the older scars, tracing his finger over the smooth, raised flesh.

One thing was for sure. He was afraid. He was becoming afraid because he just couldn’t stop it, and didn’t want to. The cutting was getting out of hand and the feeling just kept becoming more relieving when the blood poured out. He needed to escape the pain, which kept becoming added to. More and more kept piling up, and he honestly didn’t even know if he could finish off the tour any longer, for he didn’t know if he could keep up with all of the demands as well as deal with the tension and stress he was feeling.

Getting up, he looked at his roommate sleeping soundly in the small bedroom of their hotel suite. He quietly padded across the carpeted floor, opening the sliding French doors and stepping out on to the balcony into the cool night, closing it behind him to all but a small crack. He walked to the railing, looking out in to the night, breathing in the fresh air as he let out a sob. He needed strength to get him through the next two weeks, but didn’t know where it would come from, for he felt he’d lost it all. His courage, his positively towards anything, his will to survive.

His cries became more persistent and open. It got to the point where he found it hard to breath as his wracking sobs took over his body and control. He clutches his stomach as he slowly turned around, sinking down along the railing all the way to the ground. He simply couldn’t get all of the thoughts out of his mind of everything that was going on. This wasn’t the lifestyle he wanted anymore. Nothing was. He couldn’t get out of his head that he simply didn’t want to live anymore at all.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He bawled out in a whisper.

He tried to think of his life in better times, when everything came easily. He was care-free and happy. Sure, he had worries and stressors, like anybody else, however they were normal and came and went without much problem. He had a loving, supportive girlfriend and loved what he did. He never second-guessed anything took things as they came with a shrug of the shoulder. The thing was, he couldn’t even remember his life when it was like that. It was as if it had been somebody elses, but he supposed he was a whole new person now. None of his previous life existed anymore. Not one increment of it other than he was still part of the Backstreet Boys, but he couldn’t stand the career any longer. The fans he once lived now got on his nerves. He had to fake everything, but on the inside he was dying and suffering silently.

Once he felt he had calmed himself down and could stand, he got up slowly, swaying at first. He turned back towards the balcony, looking over at the city below him, the traffic whizzing by from twelve stories up. He looked behind him, making sure he was still alone before lifting one leg up over the railing, hanging half way on each side. He stopped though, heart pounding in his chest violently. He looked down, tears still falling at a manageable pace. With hesitation, he lifted his leg back over so he was in complete safety. He wanted to end his life, but this wasn’t the way to do it. Jumping over, plummeting twelve stories wasn’t his way. It wasn’t his time, but he knew his time was running out quickly. This he knew, because he wanted to make sure it happened before everybody else found out his secret, because then they would make him get unwanted help and he would be watched over and forced to live out the rest of his life in darkened sadness.

Chapter Nine

“Nick, I said I was sorry!” Kevin exclaimed as he chased the blonde, stubborn boy out to the bus. Nick continued to ignore Kevin as he hoisted is backpack up onto his shoulder to have better support of it, making his way in to the doors of the open bus. He acted as if he hadn’t heard Kevin, but he had, just as he had earlier that day, the entire day before, as well as the same night as the comment had been made. He was a joke, and because of that he felt as if his life was a joke and he had to walk on eggshells to keep up a serious, mature posture. It had been hard, but in order to get respect, it had to be done.

Kevin sighed as too made his way in to the bus, the doors closing behind him. He took a seat next to AJ, wondering what he’d done that was so horrible. They were always razzing on the blonde, and he’d never seemed to care before, yet this time, he was taking it way to personally. If fact, Kevin was beginning to miss the annoying, hyper, goofy Nick they’d all grown with, but it seemed that Nick was gone.

“What’s with him?” A.J. asked, looking to the blonde who was sitting with his arms crossed, gazing longingly out of the window.

Kevin too looked at Nick, who was obviously trying with all of his will to keep seated still. He was succeeding, surprising the two men, for he usually was bouncing all over the place unable to contain himself.

“I think we need to quit giving him such a hard time,” Kevin finally stated, getting looks from the other two. Nick was still oblivious to what was going on around him, “Uh, just for the time being, at least...” he added.

The bus jerked to a start, rolling slowly out of the hotel parking lot. Normally at this point, Nick would have already been playing his video games, however he’d pulled out a book instead...something that was rarely seen.

“So our next stop is in New Mexico, correct?” Howie asked tiredly as he looked away from Nick, gazing at Kevin, who nodded in response. In ten days, they would be done, ending the world tour in San Francisco. It was going to be a long drive, which meant plenty of time to catch up on sleep for all of them. Their next show wasn’t until the following day. For that, they were all thankful.

The past months had flown by at miraculous speeds. There was a lot that none of them remembered, a few things that were sticking with them. Other events were hazy. None the less, it was all almost behind them.

An hour and a half passed without much conversation. Everybody had found their own thing to get in to, occupying them for the time being. It was apparent that they were all worn down and tired, all five understanding one another in that sense.

“We have a meeting tonight with management soon as we get settled...probably around nine or so.” Kevin informed everybody with a sigh. He got blank stares from the other four followed by a round of groans and complaints, “They want to go over something with us...” his voice trailed off.

“Why can’t they just leave us alone?” Nick whined, already going back to his old self slowly.

“Really...we have ten days left on tour...and we can’t spend it in peace without management riding up our asses because?” A.J. asked


Kevin shrugged, for he too did not know. It was said to be important, but there had been no clues as to what the meeting, which was expected to last only half an hour, was going to be about. Kevin had a slight knot in his stomach, feeling that none of them would really like it for some reason.

The whole gang had sour looks on their faces, all going back to what they were doing. Nick had shifted his body away from Kevin even further, going back to his book. Kevin sighed, knowing he had to fix things with Nick then and there.

“Hey Nick,” he called out. Nick’s eyes rose above the rim of the book, “Want to play me a game of that Formula One Racing thing you have?”

He got the others attention with the question, curiosity filling them. Kevin was usually the one yelling at Nick for playing so many games, threatening to sell his game system if he didn’t take the ‘important’ things more seriously. In fact, everybody had a theory that Kevin had never touched one of the ‘brain washing’ systems in his whole entire life. This suggestion had them all confused, for they knew that the elder man had to have some sort of motive.

Nah, that’s okay,” Nick responded hesitantly, going back to reading.

“Please?” Kevin pushed, “I’d like for you to show me some of your tricks...it actually looks like fun.”

Nick looked up again, not responding, eyeing Kevin as if he knew the man was up to something.. He didn’t look irritated, but rather like he was caught in the middle of two very tough decisions even though it was obvious the path he’d rather take. Nick shrugged nonchalantly as if he didn’t care, but his eyes were glowing, their blue brightening significantly at the opportunity given to him to play his beloved video games.

“Aight,” Nick replied, putting his book down, joining Kevin in the seat next to him, taking control of one of the controlers. He looked at Kevin sideways before grinning, “I’m gonna kick yo ass.” he stated, causing Kevin to laugh. The tension was gone. He had a feeling that Nick had forgiven and forgotten, which he was thankful for.

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“WHAT?” Brian cried out in disbelief, “You cannot be
serious!”

“I go with B-Rok on this one,” Nick replied, “It’s insane...”

“Incredulous.” Howie agreed.

“Do we look like we’re ready to take this on so soon?” Kevin asked, “Seriously...give us a break, literally.”

A.J. just glared at Rick, crossing his arms over his chest. He could think of about a million things he’d like to do to the man, and none of them were nice. Each one was a creative torture method.

Rick sighed, knowing that the Backstreet Boys would not be happy about his encounter, however he thought that they’d at least take it a little bit better than they had. By this point, all five were staring him up and down as if this were all his fault...when in reality, it had been the whole management teams decision. Rick, as always, was just the one selected to deliver the news.

“I know it’s soon and you were expecting three or four months off, but we all feel it is best if you start recording for the new album in six weeks.”

“That only gives us a month off...” A.J. rasped, “ A bloody fucking month...big deal. We don’t even have material planned out for the new album. We haven’t even thought about it yet.”

“Yeah...I mean, we love touring and all that jazz, but I’m with AJ...we’re not prepared in the least for this.” Howie stated.


Rick looked at each one of the unhappy faces before him, knowing that they were not going to be pleased with him for a while. He felt somewhat bad for the Boys, for he knew that they worked hard and needed as well as deserved the break they’d all been expecting and looking forward to.

“I’m sorry,” was all Rick could think of to say, “This is beyond my sole control. The rest of the team talked it over, and we all feel you need to focus and put all your energy and concentration on getting a new album out within year.” he paused, “And to answer your worries, it wouldn’t hurt to start playing with song ideas and writing in your time off.”

Brian rolled his eyes as Kevin threw his hands into the air in frustration and agitation. Rick decided to give them all a few minutes to cool off, for if it were a cartoon, steam would have been coming out of five pair of ears. The situation was surreal, and they felt taken advantage of and over-worked without any space of their own to breathe.

“So not only do we only have a month off, but we have to work during the entire thing?” Kevin exploded.

“Just a suggestion...” Rick corrected, “You don’t have to write your own material.”

“Oh, an album full of covers of other artists songs is what everybody wants to hear.” Brian quipped sarcastically, “Let’s sing to old Beach Boys and Elton John songs.”

Nobody laughed and Rick’s eyes darted nervously around the room, getting a look at each Boys face. They still weren’t happy.

“Brian is right,” Nick agreed, “We need to have mostly our own stuff to keep our music alive and interesting.”

“Then I suggest you get to writing.” Rick told them simply, “Because you don’t have a whole lot of time.” he sighed, “But maybe I can suggest to the others considering giving you an extra month or so.”

‘Gee, thanks for the consideration.” Howie growled, “Don’t bother...”

Rick sighed, figuring that it was no use. He’d spoiled the fives mood, ruining their night off. He knew that they’d all go back to their hotel rooms and complain for the remainder of the night well in to the next day...and for the rest of the six weeks, for that matter. He felt bad, but it couldn’t be reversed now.

“You’re free to leave.” he informed them, standing up to let them know that they were officially dismissed. The five stood up and filed out of the room without another word. Just death glares towards Rick.

“So much for time off to relax.” A.J. chided just loud enough for Rick to hear, “If we all go postal on ourselves and everyone on the management team, know that you drove us to it.” he added, exiting the room behind everyone else with a slammed door.

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He flung himself on to his bed face down as he thought about the events from earlier that day, or evening rather. He could not believe that they were expected to start a new album so soon. It was unreal. Their management had some nerve expecting so much out of them in so little time, and it added a lot of hard-felt feelings to him. He was angry as well as feeling intense pressure on his chest, making him feel as if he could not breathe. A migraine had surfaced making his temples throb.

“As if I didn’t have enough stress in my life.” he muttered, burying his head in his arms in misery.


The thing was, he was planning on ending his life somewhere between the end of the tour and the start of a new one anyways. The thing was, he didn’t expect the start of a new one to happen so soon. And what nobody knew was that before he ended his life, he was going to tell the Boys that he was dropping out of the group. Now, this changed things, for he had less time than he thought to figure things out and plan everything in to perfect place. This added extra tension in the back of his neck and shoulders, like a nauseating pressure pushing him down further and further and extra stress that made him feel he definitely could no longer make it. This was the final straw. The last push that made him realize he simply couldn’t go on any longer. He wasn’t living. He was merely surviving in this fast paced, obligated world. He shouldn’t have to just survive.

“I just cant take this any longer.” he said aloud, “It’s too much....it’s all just too much...” his voice trailed off.

Before, he knew he at least had the potential to make it past the tour. To finish it off and go beyond, doing post tour events for a little while until all the hype had dyed down before following through with his plan to end his constant inner suffering. He’d hid it all so well from everybody, for everyone felt he was fine. Nobody had the slightest clue as to what was happening to him. Now though, he didn’t know if he could hide it anymore. He had to worry about letting everybody down with the new plans in store for them, even though nobody was happy about it. He knew though that when they found out about his death upon himself, they’d be furious, for just because they didn’t want to start work again so soon didn’t mean they didn’t want there to be no group. He just simply could not be a part of it anymore. The life he’d been living was too much for him and he knew he could not handle it. Now he just had to follow through with things this much sooner. Everyone wanted there to still be a Backstreet Boys except for him. The group had plans to produce many more albums as long as they were still popular, wanting to go on for as long as possible except for him. Before the end of the month was over, one member of the group would be gone forever.

Chapter Ten

“Well, this is it,” Howie said with a smile, “The last show of the tour.” he said it with enthusiasm as well as with a hint of sadness in his voice that the others feelings could easily match. The end of the tour always brought on a slight depression amongst the group, especially when it came time to say their goodbyes a few days after, until they met again with business for recording and new promotions. Once in awhile, they would get together to hang out, but for the most part, they would be their separate ways, living separate lives.

He and the others exchanged high fives, both happy and sad that the tour was going to be over in less than two hours. They would take the stage and perform for the last time with this set of songs and dances. In another year or so, they’d have a whole new show planned out to entertain with.

It had been a very successful one without many complications. There really weren’t many complaints, for it was felt by most that they’d done a great job and done their best. Things had gone as good as could be expected, as good as what had been expected. The tour had been phenomenal, to say the least. At least that’s what was thought.

The past two weeks had flown by quickly. Nothing too eventful had happened. Nick and Kevin had finally made up with one another, Nick forgiving Kevin as well as the rest of them for giving him such a hard time recently.

They had all become worn out and tired, needing the break badly. It was anticipated, to say the least, however the touring life was something each of them loved and after a few weeks off the road, they would grow to miss it. That was how it always worked. As much as they longed for a break to relax, they always were magnetized back to the road and arenas and recording studios and to Fatima to learn new choreographies..

“Went fast, huh?” Brian commented, “Seems like just yesterday, we were starting up brand new and fresh.”

There were several nods in response. In all truth, the more time that passed, the faster each year went for them. It seemed as if they were just finishing their first world tour for their debut album, and now they had just completed the Black and Blue tour. It was funny how things went sometimes.

“What are the plans for our time off?” Howie asked everyone.

“Sleep, sleep, sleep,” Nick sighed dreamily, “Big, comfy bed of my own...” he got a lopsided smile on his face which caused the others to laugh.

“Visit with family,” Brian replied, “Since I haven’t seen them really since the beginning of the tour.” he sighed, missing his mother and father back in Kentucky the most. They normally came out to a few shows, but this time hadn’t been able to.

“How about you, D?” Nick asked, “Got any big plans for break, since the rest of us seem to be going lazy?”

Howie was about to answer, but one man on their stage crew came and interrupted, telling them that it was time to take stage and to wrap things up quickly and be ready in a minute. The five finished up changing into their first outfit of the show while the intro was blaring through the arena, thousands of girls screaming at the top of their lungs. A.J. laughed lightly, shaking his head.

“Some things never change,” he stated, “But I wouldn’t change any of this for the world...not one second of it.”

The others agreed without hesitation. Since day one, girls of all ages had always been screaming for them in excitement. The intensity of it only grew with every day that passed, making them know that what they were doing wasn’t a waste of time. This night was no exception.

Seconds later, all five of them were out on stage, those in the front row reaching out in hopes to get a slight touch of the Boys as they started their first song of THE CALL, full energy, full force.

Something about that night brought out the best of everyone, for all five men gave it their all, making it a show that everyone would remember until they were seen again with new material. They sang with all that was in them and moved to the music with high adrenaline rushing through their blood as perspiration glistened on their perfect bodies.

The show ended in a whiz, sooner than it seemed that it should have. They ran backstage to clean up and meet those with passes, signing autographs and posing for a few photographs. A few of the girls cried hysterically, others too shy to speak. Each was charming in her own way though, making the Boys aware that they were still somehow changing lives around the world for the better.

If only things were going as perfect as they thought. If only they knew the destined road that one certain member was planning on taking, as they were all still completely in the dark. Blindfolded from the path that was about to be chosen for all of them by one simple act of destruction.


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With a long, ragged sigh, he pushed through the door to the last hotel room he’d ever be staying in...the one that he would die in. The others were out at a club, celebrating another successful tour that had ended well. He had joined them for awhile, but had faked a bad headache, cutting the night short with them. He had other things to do...things to take care of before the others returned. When he was found, he planned for it to be too late to reverse anything. He didn’t want it to be reversed.

He’d reached a breaking point. The final show had ended with a bang and a celebration for a job well done. It was now time for him to fade out, disappear from life all together. His time on earth was done. He’d performed and brightened the lives of many for twelve years. He’d accomplished what many would only dream of but never be able to carry though. He had succeeded at it and had become more popular than even he had ever dreamed of. The simple thing of being happy and living with normal every day depression was something many could get through but he couldn’t, therefore, he was going to make this his last night. In a matter of hours, he would be just a memory to everybody.

Getting out a pad of paper and a pen, he started to write out everything he’d been feeling for the past while. He summed it up, apologizing for everything, including taking the easy way out and for the hurt he would cause everyone, telling the Boys to tell his family that he loved them and was sorry. He explained how he felt like a failure and disappointment and everybody would be better off without him there to mess things up all of the time. He truly felt that he was a waste of perfectly good living space and breathing air. Therefore, he was going to solve the problem...and whoever found him would find the note with him explaining everything.

Reading it twice over, he nodded in approval, folding it carefully and labeling it TO THE GUYS on the top, placing it next to him on the night stand. He walked around the small room, taking in one last look at everything, a good look. He remembered one time when all of the guys had been in the same room. That had been a riot...they’d been up all night, talking, playing card games, drinking, having fun. They’d all had to share a bed that night, and he had somehow ended up on the floor. He had genuinely had fun. He walked over to the window, pulling open the shades. It was dark, but street lights illuminated the way. It looked quite beautiful, and he smiled sadly. It wasn’t enough to make him change his mind. Nothing was, for nothing had helped him find peace and happiness. He’d tried. He really had, but nothing made him smile unless it was fake and forced. Happiness with sad eyes that nobody had caught on to in the months he’d been like this. And now, the end had come. He had lived out his life. He wasn’t meant to live in to an old age. Not even middle aged. His time was now, at a young age.

Tearing his eyes away from the elegant setting outside, he walked to his suitcase, pulling an exacto knife he’d bought at an art store days before from the small side compartment. He pulled off the plastic protective cover, poking his finger with it to make sure it was up to standards. A small dot of blood formed from the light tough, telling him that it was.

Going over to the bed, he laid down, getting under the covers. He sighed, feeling their cool material beneath his bare skin. Years, even months ago, the feeling was relaxing and welcoming. Now, it was relaxing and beaconing him to death. A few tears fell from his eyes. He couldn’t believe that it had come to this, and wondered what it would be like to no longer be alive. Was there an afterlife? He wasn’t sure. If there was though, he hoped that he was happier than in his present life. He couldn’t stand being unhappy anymore.

Deciding not to prolong the inevitable any longer, he took the knife alongside the underneath his wrist, dragging it across the major vein in one quick, swift movement. He winced as blood immediately started to pour out. His heart pounded in excitement as he did the same on the other arm in case the first didn’t do the job. He dropped the knife as his whole body started to throb, red pouring from the wounds like it never had before. He started to grow dizzy, and he was amazed with how quickly it was all happening. He was so overcome with emotion that he didn’t even hear the door open and the footsteps coming at him as someone called out his name, checking to see if he was feeling better. He didn’t see him until he was right before his very eyes, dropping his keys and wallet.

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

He snapped out of his daze and looked down as his roommate disappeared quickly, suddenly becoming afraid. He looked back down at his arms, feeling sick to his stomach. It wasn’t how he wanted to die. He didn’t want to die any longer, but he was losing his fight to stay awake. He had already lost so much blood in the few minutes. His roommate reappeared with several bath towels, wrapping them tightly around the cuts with immense pressure to try to stop the bleeding, or at least slow it down. He held the towels in place best he could as he quickly dialed 911 on his cell phone. There was fear in his eyes, but he worked calmly and quickly with shaking hands, his voice panicked as he talked with the operator on the other end. He looked up into his friends eyes with hurt and disappointment. Confusion and question. He was wanting an answer as to why.

“I need help...” was all he could whisper out in a weak, pleading, pathetic voice.

Here is the epilogue! Please let me know what you think, and if you haven reviewed before, what you thought overall. It will determine weather or not I do a sequel, which I have ideas brewing up already..so please take a minute to let me know what you thought. Thanks!

Epilogue

As he sat in the hospital bed, Howie looked down at his tightly bandaged wrists, wrapped in white gauze. He’d had to have stitches...forty-eight of them on each arm...to close up the wounds he’d inflicted upon himself in what he had once hoped to be his final minutes alive. The cut that would take his life. Looking back, he couldn’t believe he’d wanted to do such a thing, and was glad as well as felt lucky to be alive. It had been six days, and although he was cooped up, he was cherishing every moment of it.

Howie had been placed in the psych ward of the hospital. It was just for the time being, so he could get proper counseling and to make sure he wouldn’t follow down the same previous path once he was out. The doctors wanted to make sure there was enough time for him to fully heal mentally and for the anti-depressants, Celexa, to set in to his blood and take full effect. His stay was estimated to be around two months. The medication was already starting to work, but he had a long road ahead of him. He was constantly being monitored closely too, to top it all off, to ensure he didn’t find anything to cut with in the hospital, as that behavior wasn’t completely uncommon.

When a light knock on the door came, Howie looked up and smiled shyly at who he saw...his four brothers, the ones who he knew he should have trusted enough in the first place to go to for help before things got out of hand the way that they did. He knew now that they would have been there for him through whatever he was suffering from.

“Hi.” Howie greeted softly, for this was the first time he’d been able to have any visitors since he’d been admitted. Knowing AJ, Kevin, Nick and Brian though, they hadn’t left the hospital once in those six long days, “Um, you cam come in...”

The four slowly shuffled their way in to the hospital room. They seemed to be uncomfortable, and Howie really couldn’t blame them. After all, how did one act around one of your best friends right after he attempted to commit suicide. Especially A.J, who had walked in to their shared hotel suite and found him sitting beneath the covers of his own double bed, looking down at his wrists as he’d already started to bleed to death, the bed covered in a pool of red..


They all stood there at Howie’s bedside, although nobody said a word. Howie for one couldn’t think of anything to say. So instead, they all just stared at one another in complete silence other than the ticking of the wall clock.

“How’re you doing?” Brian asked, being the first to speak.

Howie shrugged, “Decent as I can be, I suppose.” he replied, “Embarrassed, but hey, that’ll pass too, right?”

Again, nobody said anything. A.J. refused to even look in Howie’s direction. They’d been the closest duo of the group, the best of friends. It had scared him senseless walking in to see what he had. He figured it had been an act of God which made him return to the suite right when he had, for if he’d been even one minute later, who knows if Howie would have been alive or conscious or been able to be saved. He’d come back at the nick of time, but it still wouldn’t erase the permanent scarring images he now had in his head. Those wouldn’t disappear for a long time coming.

“What were you thinking?” Kevin finally asked the question everybody else wasn’t gutsy enough to bring up themselves. His voice wasn’t angry, but sad, hurt and confused, “Why...how...what ever convinced you to resort to such a method of releasing pain and anger.”

“I...I don’t know, to be honest.” Howie replied, “It was just a thought at first...I’d heard it wasn’t dangerous as long as it was kept simple, only I let it get out of hand. I cut once probably five months ago...telling myself I would never do it again...” his voice trailed off. He felt stupid, but it felt good to finally be able to talk openly with everyone about it. If only he’d done it sooner. Five months sooner. He had resorted to a different path though, and he was the least suspectable to such a thing.

“Were things really that bad?” A.J. asked, looking at Howie with a gaze of betrayal. His voice startled everyone, for he’d been standing back.

Howie nodded. In his mind, they really, honestly had been. Just two weeks before, he’d almost dove over a twelve story balcony. He’d been planning his suicide for weeks, if not months once the tour was over. He’d even been planning on leaving the group, which also startled him in his healthy mind set. Everything he’d loved turned in to misery, but was slowly becoming enjoyable to him once more now that he was starting to think clearly again.

“We would have helped,” A.J. said, “Would have wanted to...why didn’t you come to us?”

“I didn’t want help,” Howie admitted, “I wanted to deal with it my way, which has left permanent tracings that will be daily reminders of what I did to myself...ugly, deep scars all over my body.” The doctors had given him the option of surgery to minimize the scars. He was still thinking about it, but the one that was going to take his life he wanted to be left alone so he would always be reminded that if he wasn’t careful, he might not live to the next day. Life was a precious gift that could not be taken for granted, for there were so many things out there that could take it from beneath your feet in an instant.

All was silent for a long moment. Howie wondered if he’d possibly lost his four best friends because of his inability to communicate with them. His lack in trust in them to go to them for help...his lack of trust and confidence in himself to go on. He was confused, yet everything seemed to be so clear. Nothing made sense to him, including what he’d done to himself as well as tried to do in the end. It was like he was living a whole separate life, yet he knew that it had all been him. Howie Dorough and nobody else.

“I can’t believe you tried to end your life,” Brian said softly, shaking his head.

Howie bowed his head in shame. He was humiliated, but knew he’d have to face the music now the way he should have been doing all along. He supposed that he should just be thankful that he had lived to making that judgement. Howie still had a lot of recovering to do, both physically and mentally.

“What about Maddy?” Kevin asked him, “Hasn’t she been here?”

Howie shook his head, “She broke up with me awhile ago...three year relationship down the drain like spoiled leftovers,” he paused momentarily, “That’s really what started everything...her leaving.”

He received a couple looks of sympathy along with some of disbelief. He couldn’t read their minds, but was sure that they were thinking that he’d gone mad. But when his long-time girlfriend, or rather fiancé, had dumped him, he’d been so distraught the whole world became dark and ugly to him. He didn’t care to see anything good in anything, therefore just didn’t try. As a result, things kept getting worse and the ‘stress’ he’d thought he felt had all been in his mind.

“We’re sorry to hear that.” Brian stated, “You can find someone better and more worthy of your time.”

“Whoa,” Howie smiled, “Not ready to take on a relationship yet. I’ve got my own issues to sort through before having someone else in my life like that,” he sighed, “I wonder how the fans are going to react to this...beings it is bound to be all over the media. We’ll get a bad reputation and all sorts of rumors made up...” his voice trailed off. There were reporters and paparazzi surrounding the building trying to get in to his room as he spoke. Word was bound to get out sooner or later. No matter what, they were always found, even in the darkest, most secretive of situations. The Boys had to be brought in with heavy protection from body guards, more so than usual with police blocking off access to the unwanted. His worry was them losing a lot of what they had, respect being the main thing, because of his own selfish act.

“We’ll worry about that when we have to cross that bridge.” Kevin answered immediately, patting their friend on the back, “Right now, lets just worry about concentrating on you getting better, alright?”

Howie smiled gratefully. He’d been slightly apprehensive with fear of the guys blaming him for the horrible articles and disrespect from some fans that was sure to come. They honestly didn’t seem to care though, so he wasn’t going to put the unneeded stress on himself.

“Times up. Howie needs his rest,” a nurse appeared in the doorway, “Wrap things up now.”

The four looked back to Howie, “Well, take
care.” Brian sighed, “And we’ll see you again tomorrow.”

“Just glad to know you’re alright.” Nick sighed, knowing that Howie really wasn’t quite alright yet.

They all hugged and finished up their goodbyes as they slowly started to walk away. Howie watched them go, something on his mind he wanted to say before they parted.

“Hey, guys,” he called out before they were fully out the door. The four best friends and ‘brothers’ turned to look at him, “I’m sorry.” he softly said, truly apologetic for everything he must have put them through emotionally and for not going to them for help in the first place. He knew now that everybody had their problems. Kevin was going through a divorce. Nick was going through rumors about him being a cross-dresser, which still hadn’t died down much. AJ just a few months ago had his own bout with alcohol and was going on two months sober. Brian’s life seemed to be perfect, but Howie was sure that he, too, was battling an issue of his own. They all had their own problems, making him realize that he wasn’t alone.

He got four small smiles as they disappeared completely from view. Howie sighed, staring out the window at all of the people surrounding the building. He’d wanted the chance to talk with AJ in private, but he figured he’d have plenty of time to patch things up with his best friend, who he knew was very angry with him. They all were. He knew nothing would ever be the same again, but it could be close. It wasn’t too late to make things better, for this was one of the leading days to the rest of his life. Howie was going to make the best of it with all that he’d learned from this life-changing experience.

I have started the sequel to Permanent Tracings so be looking for it in the next couple of weeks!

Also, I've been nominated for Permanent Tracings, Learning to Trust and Fly! Just click on or go to the link http://www.angelfire.com/celeb2/mbsbfcfanficawards/nominees.html and it will take you there! I believe voting starts in September, so some votes would be awesome! thanks!!!