Chapter One

Anita sighed as she sat in the waiting room of the doctors office in the semi-large hospital. She had been early, yet now the balding, middle aged man was running behind. She wondered why doctors could never be on time for anything. The thought had crossed her mind if there was maybe a physicians handbook with a rule in bold print saying Never Arrive On Time For An Appointment. It sure seemed like it.

Anita began drumming her fingers impatiently on the table top next to her. She’d tried reading a magazine, but her attention had been distracted many times, her thoughts taking over. So after awhile, Anita had given up on it. It wasn’t like she was comprehending any or anything. What had landed her there in the first place was when she couldn’t seem to shake off what had seemed to be the flu. She thought back to the day that had started it all...

It was a hot summer day in New Mexico. The temperature had reached over one-hundred degrees, but there was no humidity, making the hotness bearable. Anita and her friends stepped out of the large Olympic sized pool, tired of swimming. Anita wasn’t feeling like herself, once again. She tried to hide her ill feelings though from her friends, Madison, Juanita and Kimberly. She never felt good anymore, and her friends were beginning to worry about her, as well as feeling slight annoyance to her complaining more times than not that she was tired and felt like she was going to throw up.

Anita walked over to her towel, picking it up and rubbing it against her skin to dry off. That was when Juanita spotted it.

“Taylor didn’t beat you, did he?” she asked, her eyes widening in shock at a large black and blue mass on Anita’s thigh along with a few smaller ones on her arms and legs, scattered unevenly.
Anita looked down, seeing where her friend was referring to. She looked back up and shrugged her shoulders.

“No, of course not,” she stated, troubled that her friend would even think so low of Taylor, for he’d been nothing but great to her, “Besides, we broke up two weeks ago.” she bit her lip, knowing she’d forgotten to fill in her amigas with that bit of information, “And honestly, I don’t know where the bruises came from. They just keep appearing. I must be klutzier than I used to be.”

Madison and Juanita looked at her skeptically, not quite buying her excuses. Kimberly didn’t know what to think of the situation. They knew that Taylor wasn’t the abusive type, however, the bruises had to have come from somewhere and they had enough common sense to know that it was due to more than clumsiness.

“Don’t worry about it,” Anita assured her friends, “Nothing is wrong...just running in to things.” a wave of nausea struck her but she hid it. She’d gone to the doctor already for medication to get rid of her flu. The thing was, six weeks later, things still were not better for her.

None of her friends looked convinced and Anita hated lying to them. She didn’t want them to worry though, and they were fretting over nothing.

“Alright, girl,” Kimberly stared, “Whatever you say...” her voice trailed off, still worried about her friend, however decided to dismiss the thought for the time being, “What do you say we go to the mall?” she mentioned, “I’m in the mood to do some spring shopping.”

Madison and Juanita perked up at the idea, grins spreading over their tanned faces. Shopping was definitely a girls best friend, especially to eighteen and nineteen year old girls.

“Same here,” Madison stated, “I need some shorts and tank tops and shit. All my clothes from last year are, like, so out of style.”

“Ditto,” Juanita replied, “Plus I need a new bikini or two.”

The three looked towards Anita to find out her input on the idea. She didn’t reply. She was trying to keep her composure up, concentrating on not showing her friends that she was feeling under the weather again.

“What do you say, Nita?” Madison asked, “You up to shopping with us?”

Anita paused, then shook her head no. Her friends looked at her as if she’d grown an extra head, waiting for an explanation.

“ I don’t feel good. I think I’m just going to go in for the night and rest,” she told them, for a lie would not come to her mind quick enough.

The three friends looked at Anita, and the expression on their faces was unreadable. Anita wondered what was going through their minds. She looked down, brushing a strand of her raven black hair behind her ear.

“You never feel good anymore,” Kimberly complained, “You’re always tired too, and so pale...for living out here, anyways.” she put her arms in the air, proving her point that the hot weather that was always there and constant sunshine should not make a persons complection lighter.

“I’m fine,” Anita assured them, “It’s just stress.”

She could tell that her friends were not buying a word that she was saying and that they were genuinely worried about her.

“Anita, we think you need to go to the doctor, just to make sure,” Juanita told her, “The bruises, paleness, tiredness, always sick...you need to go, just to make sure.” her voice trailed off.

“I already went,” Anita argued, knowing that she was lying, “I’m fine.”

“Please,” Madison asked, “You’re our best friend. We want to know that you’re alright...for surely alright. Please just go and get checked out.”

Anita sighed. Her friends were persistent. She herself was a little worried, which was why she was trying to avoid the doctor at all costs. There was no getting out of it now though. Her friends were worried and wouldn’t let it go until she went.

“Fine,” she replied, sighing again, “I’ll go.”

And those were the series of events that had led her there on that day. It had been two days since the tests had been done, mainly blood tests. They’d told her to come back in two days to get the results of the tests in a conference with the doctor. Dr. Robertson. She rolled her eyes, picking up another magazine. She hated waiting. She hated wondering. It was making her nervous that something really was wrong with her. With all of the tests that had been done, then to tell her to come back wasn’t helping much, although her friends had been encouraging to her. She appreciated it more than anything. They were there for her, and Anita knew they would be, no matter what.

Finally, when Anita didn’t think her butt could take any more sitting in one period of time in the uncomfortable semi soft, semi hard chair, the man she’d been waiting for stepped out of the office, looking her square in the eye. He offered her a smile and Anita stood up, knowing right off that she was next. She gulped, smiling back as she walked, meeting him half way to shake his hand, then entering his office. He rounded his desk, taking a seat in his large, leather chair.

“Please, have a seat, Anita,” Dr. Robertson motioned with his hand


Anita did as told, and for the first time, was at loss for words. Her normal upbeat, positive attitude was not there at that moment. Anxiety had taken over.

“How are you feeling today?” the doctor asked, trying to make light talk, although Anita wished he would just cut to the chase already.

“Alright,” she replied, “Sleepy and all...the usual.” she finally said.

The doctor nodded, looking down at a chart that was obviously hers. She bit her lip as he hummed softly to himself, jotting something down. Her heart thudded in her chest, knowing that the reason she was there most definitely was not over nothing at all. It couldn’t be. The question was, what was it?

“Wh...what’s wrong, doctor?” she asked him, trying to be polite and keep the nervousness out of her voice.

The doctor looked up, his eyes soft yet troubled. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it, trying to think of the most delicate way to tell the young girl the news.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, Anita,” he began, “But you have Leukemia.”

A/N: Please give this story a chance if you're reading...things start to pick up in the next chapter. Please leave a review too. It would mean a lot to me! Thanks!

Chapter Two

Anita stared at the doctor blankly for a moment, not quite sure if she’d heard him correctly. She shook her head, hoping to clear her ears and head so she would take in what he’d told her correctly, instead of hearing the worst possible scenario.

“E...excuse me?” Anita questioned, “I...I don’t think that I heard you right. Could you please repeat what you said?”

Dr. Robertson looked at her with sympathy filled eyes. He reached out, placing one hand on top of her shaking ones, hating this part of his job. Hating the part where he had to deliver bad news, especially to those who were so young, such as the young girl sitting across from him.

“You have Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia,” he explained more clearly, “It is the most common type of Leukemia in young people below the age of nineteen.”

“Thi...this has to be a mistake,” Anita cried out, “I am nineteen now...you said under nineteen...so this has to be a mistake.”

The doctor held up his hand motioning for Anita to stop speaking, shaking his head sadly. Her words slowly died down as she just looked at him, the silence in the room driving her madly insane.

“Most cases are in those under nineteen, but it is not impossible to get it at your age, or even a few years older. The most common cases are shown in the first decade of life, and then increased again in older years, however the chances are still there that one can get it somewhere in between.”

Anita gulped, taking in all of the information she’d been told. She was slowly beginning to let it all sink in, grasping it. She said nothing, not knowing what to say as her body began to quaver slightly. She wished more than anything that her friends were there. She needed support from someone, anyone who she was familiar with. She needed her three best friends to lean on, but she had nobody there. She was alone. A tear formed in the corner of her eye as she let it fall, not even bothering to stop it. More tears came, and then more, streaking down her cheeks, leaving permanent lines in her makeup. She sniffled, at loss for words, not knowing what to say, what to think, where to begin.

“I’m sorry, Anita,” Dr. Robertson said again, “I’d like to check you into the hospital this afternoon and start treatment immediately. The sooner the chemotherapy begins, the better off you will be in the long run.”

Anita looked up at him, grabbing a tissue out of the box on his oak desk without asking, figuring that was what they were there fore. She dabbed her eyes, wiping away the tears as best she could. She opened her mouth, and after several attempts, found her voice.

“A...am I going to...die?” she stuttered, the tears falling harder again at the thought of her life ending. She had so much to live for and so many goals that she wanted to complete.

“I’m going to be completely honest with you, Anita,” Dr. Robertson told her, “The possibility with dying when it comes to cancer is always there, however, if you keep a positive attitude and do what you are told to do, the chances of recovering and going into remission are very likely. Your chances of hitting remission are extremely high beings you are young and in good shape.”

Anita nodded, letting everything new she was being told sink in. She stood up on wobbling legs and the doctor followed. She wasn’t sure how she wasn’t collapsing, as upset and traumatized as she was. This definitely was the worst day of her life. Then a second thought hit her.

“How long do I have before I need to check in?” Anita asked, deciding knowing that bit of information would be beneficial to her.

Dr. Robertson looked down at his watch then back up at Anita, “It’s about one now...do you want to go home, pack up a few things and be back by four?”

Anita nodded, feeling in a daze. She wondered how long her stay would be. She wondered what she would be going through in the next few weeks, or even months. Her life had become a road of unknowns and Anita didn’t know how she was going to get through it all.

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Anita sighed as she took her first real look around the hospital room. It was plain, with drab white walls, white curtains, white sheets and bedspread, white everything. The only color in the room was the main door and bathroom door, which were brown and the TV that was hanging from the wall, which was black. Then there was the single framed picture on the wall with some odd design in dark shades of pink, green and blue that hospitals and doctors offices found so appealing. Some sort of abstract design. Anita didn’t know what it was, other than it at least added some color to the room. Other than that, there was nothing. Anita sighed, wanting anything that would add color to the room. She walked over to the window, swiftly opening the curtains. The bright yellow sunshine burst through the window, the blue skies looking like a painting to her eyes.

Walking over to the bed, Anita sat down, expecting it to be soft and comfortable. Instead, she was welcomed by a hard, firm mattress. She snorted in distaste, wondering why the place couldn’t make the patients stay, or imprisonment rather, as enjoyable as possible. She sighed again, realizing that this was probably going to be one of the last days that she felt normal. She started chemotherapy the next day already, and from what she knew of it, it would drain her of the life she had always known. Anita was scared, but would never admit it aloud. She wanted to keep up her tough, strong attitude, even though that was diminishing before her eyes.

When Anita had gotten home, she’d packed up a couple pairs of pajamas, one pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, along with a toothbrush and toothpaste, a brush and a stuffed animal...a bear she’d had since she was small and had grown attached to, even in her later teenage years. The doctor had told her that it was a good idea to bring a little something that she was familiar with to hold on to during chemo sessions. He said that it would help ease the pain if she had something to squeeze and concentrate on. Anita found that to be childish, however she also was up to trying anything that would help her, no matter what that something would be. Anything that would take her mind off of what was about to be happening to her. Anita had also packed a journal, knowing she should record her thoughts and feelings. That had, as well, been the doctors idea. She thought that it was a rather good one too. One that would let out all of her fears and pains into writing. Ones she wouldn’t have the nerve to say aloud in words to anybody. She didn’t want anybody to think of her as a coward, because she had never been a coward. Not until that day. A day that held her life in its hands and held her destiny and fate within its clutches.

Anita had called Madison, but got her voice mail on her cell phone. Her throat had started to close up with tears, and she choked out the words that she was being admitted and to tell the rest of the group, quickly hanging up. She knew that she couldn’t face making the same call two more times. It would be too hard for her. Anita wondered how her friends would take the news once they found out what was really going on. She’d failed to elaborate on what the test results had specified. She wondered though if when they were told, if they would stick by her side and they would still remain best friends or if they would back off, treating her like a contagious leper just because she had cancer. Anita figured that this was the true test of their friendship. If they stayed, it meant that their bond meant something. If they didn’t, it meant that they had never been her true friends in the first place. Sadly, Anita wondered which it would be, for it could easily go either way. The thought scared Anita more than anything, because if her three friends left her, she would most certainly be alone.

Quickly shaking the thought from her head, Anita got up, deciding to take a small self tour around the hospital. She’d found out that there was a lounge somewhere nearby for the patients to hang out at and socialize. She hoped that there would be some people around her age. If not, she was sure to go crazy with boredom.

As she walked, Anita was sure to take in her surroundings. This would be her home for the next several weeks. Maybe months, depending on her progress, which she hoped was speedy in a positive way. She’d hate to leave to go home on hospice because there was nothing more that they could do for her. As depressing as the thought was, it entered her mind, and she could not discard it.

Anita located where the nurses station was. She figured that would be vital in case she ever buzzed the nurses in the middle of the night and they didn’t show up. Then she could hunt them down and locate them herself.

As she walked, she peered in to rooms of fellow patients. Her heart sunk, realizing most of them were much older than herself, with the exception of a few. But all of them had one thing in common. They looked sick. They looked exactly how she would sooner or later. Exactly how she did not want to look or become. The reality of her situation was becoming all the more real now and Anita realized that she wasn’t ready for what was in store for her. Not in the least. She wasn’t prepared. Taking in a deep breath, she forced the tears away. It was too soon to start crying. She had too much time to cry, which was coming quickly.

Rounding a corner, Anita ran in to a room filled with people. She’d found the lounge and activity room. Stepping inside, she took a look around. The one room had a few couches with magazines and books, while the next over had ping pong and pool tables. There was another small room with board games. Each of them was occupied with a few people engaging in activities. Anita settled on the room with the books and magazines, the quieter of all of them, and the brightest. She walked over to the glass door which led to the outside. There were a few swinging benches and a small lake with a walking trail going around it. Anita knew she would be spending a lot of her time outside. She loved the fresh air. There was just something so relaxing about it. Lost in her thoughts, Anita stood there, gazing outside, oblivious to everything that was going on. She didn’t even hear someone walk up directly behind her.

“Excuse me,” a masculine voice asked, causing Anita to jump, “May I please go outside. You’re blocking the doorway.”

Anita slowly turned around to leave, but froze, stunned, finding herself looking up into the most gorgeous pair of green eyes she’d ever seen.

Chapter Three

Anita continued to stare up into his green eyes, mesmerized by the color of them. And they were such a beautiful color and so oddly familiar too, causing her to not look away anytime soon. She simply couldn’t, wondering curiously who this person was.

“Excuse me,” the man said again, “I’d like to go out side. Could you please step out of the way of the door. I’d really kind of appreciate it.”

Anita shook her head to clear it, rubbing her eyes, looking at him more closely, studying him almost. She almost had it. She’d seen this man somewhere before. She just couldn’t place a name with that face...and those eyes. She wasn’t going to give up until she could remember who it was. If she did, it would drive her insane. The name was at the tip of her tongue, and suddenly she had it, stepping back a few inches in shock. But before she could speak, the man did.

“Please,” he asked, irritation rising in his already rude tone, “I’d like to talk a walk around the pond, if you don’t mind...today...while I’m still feeling up to it.”

Fire burned in Anita’s veins. His attitude stunk, causing her to lose respect for him already, even though she’d just met him for the first time, for real. All she’d known about him in the past, or thought she’d known, made her wonder if she’d been taken for a fool, thinking this man was kind and sweet when in reality, it was all an act to make himself look good. Without moving, standing her ground, Anita finally spoke boldly towards him.

“Just because you’re a pop star doesn’t mean you can treat people like crap,” Anita told him, her tone a frosty cold. The man’s eyes widened in shock, and he started to protest. Anita held her hand up though, stopping him before one word could exit his lips. “I know who you are. Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys. I’m a huge fan,” she paused, “I can see past your lame excuse of a disguise.”

“Oh...um...don’t tell anyone though. I’m trying to keep a low profile.” Kevin pleaded, “Which is why I’m all the way out here in this small city. I don’t want word to get out that I’m in the hospital. Management figured that this was the most exclusive place I could go...to keep it all on the down low. I want it to stay that way, if you don’t mind.”

Anita could still sense a superior attitude in his tone, and she didn’t like it one bit. Anita snorted, “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. Besides, take a look around. I am the youngest person here. All the other people are old...just like you. So chances are, they don’t even know who you are, and even if they did, they probably don’t give a flying fuck. So why don’t you just get over yourself already and get to steppin’.”

She put one hand up, waving in the air as she turned and started to walk away. Kevin turned and watched in amusement as the young girl left. Nobody had ever spoken to him in such a harsh tone, let alone a fan. Something about her fire and attitude irked him beyond belief yet made him want to get to know more about her. And he had every intention on doing just that. All he had to do was
figure out where he could find her.
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Anita rolled her eyes as she turned off the television. It was eight o’ clock and she was bored. There was nothing good on, beings it was mid-week. Nothing that interested her anyways. Or maybe it was the fact that she was in the wretched place, and her mind was on nothing but what was going to happen to her. Either way, her mind was on anything but whatever had been on the TV. Sitting there, Anita wished that there was something she could do. She would go back to the activity room, but was terrified of the chance of running in to Kevin, the egotistical asshole. She crossed her arms over her chest, wondering where he got his nerve to speak to her like he was so much higher up on the chain than she was. Sure, he was famous, however, it didn’t make him any better than her. That was how his attitude came off as though. It made her mad. It made her want to punch him, and Anita wasn’t so sure that she wouldn’t do just that if she ever came in to contact with him again.

Then there was the fact that she was lonely. She missed her friends, wondering if they would even come and see her to check on how she was doing, or if they would even care enough to. She sighed. It had been four hours since she’d checked in, six since she had called them. Anita wondered why it was taking them so long to get there. If they were truly her friends, wouldn’t they have been there hours ago? She was already beginning to become paranoid at the thought of being left alone with nobody to be there for her, and it hadn’t even been a day. She shook her head in disgust with herself, wondering where all of her confidence had gone to. She felt so alone in fact, her mind in a daze of thought, that she could have sworn she’d heard Madison’s voice calling her name. She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head roughly to clear her littered mind. She heard her name again though more clearly this time and she wondered if it was more than just her hearing things.

“Anita?” came voice, and then three people came in to view, stepping in to her room. They all took one look at her before running over to her in concern, “Anita, oh my god. What happened to you? Are you okay?”

She was smothered by hugs from all three of her friends and she laughed, glad they had shown up after all. She hugged each of them back and when they pulled away, she could tell by the looks on their faces that she had a lot of explaining to do without even being asked first. Anita took in a deep breath, not knowing where to begin exactly.

“You know how ya’ll talked me in to coming to the doctor days ago because you were worried about me?” Anita began, figuring that there really was no other way to start the particular topic of conversation. Her friends looked at one another and nodded slowly, agreeing that they did remember what Anita was talking about.

“Yeah, and you went to the doctor. You never mentioned anything after your appointment though, so we figured everything went fine.” Kimberly stated.

“They ran some tests on me,” Anita corrected, “I didn’t bring them up because I figured everything was fine and didn’t want to cause worry for no reason at all. I was told to come back today to find out what the results were.”

She stopped. She feared speaking the next part out loud, for it would be the first time she did. It would be like admitting to herself as well just how sick she was and how serious her condition was. Her friends looked at her, urging her to go on with supportive eyes. She just couldn’t force herself to speak though, afraid to.

“I’m...we’re guessing that the results weren’t just nothing, huh?” Juanita asked, her eyes showing fear, “I mean, if you were admitted in...” her voice trailed off.

“I...they found...the doctor said.,” Anita stuttered, having a hard time finding the right words to use, “I have leukemia.” she finally spat out. She looked up and watched as her friends eyes widened in shock mixed with disbelief. She couldn’t read their faces easily though. Her heart rate had slowed down yet was beating faster at the same time out of nervousness, if that was possible. Juanita was the first one that she got a reaction out of.

“Oh my god,” she whispered, tears forming in her eyes, “A...are they sure?” Anita nodded sadly, “One-hundred percent positive?” Anita nodded again. This caused her to get another round of hugs, only they were tighter and more forceful this time. They each pulled back, their eyes shimmering in tears.

“Wha...what’s going to happen to you?” Madison had the nerve to ask, speaking what everyone else was thinking.

“From what the doc says,”Anita started, “I’ll start chemotherapy tomorrow. If all goes well, I can go in to remission after a few months and live a decently normal life again.” She could see Kimberly sigh in relief and the other two nod, swallowing the information that was so new and scary to them.

“Why are you so calm about this?” Kimberly asked, “You’re the one it’s happening to and all.” she looked confused.

“Still trying to accept the idea, I guess,” Anita shrugged, “Still in a denial state.” As she finished speaking, someone walking in to her room caught her eye. She rolled them, recognizing him as Kevin right away. “What are you doing here?” she asked cooly.

Her friends looked around in confusion as to whom she was talking to, seeing the man, eyeing him in curiosity.

“To apologize for earlier,” he stated simply.

“Unaccepted, amigo,” Anita replied, turning away from him, “Sorry. I don’t forgive asshole’s like yourself.”

Slowly, Kimberly, Madison and Juanita all looked towards Anita, their mouths open. For a moment, Anita thought that they’d seen past his disguise too, and part of her hoped that they had. The man deserved to be turned in to the press. With how he treated people, she would feel no sympathy seeing him in magazines, tabloids in the news. In
fact, she’d get pleasure out of it.

“You’ve been here for less than a day and already meeting hot men,” Juanita breathed, “You bitch.” she joked, “I can’t even find a decent guy on the street.”

“He’s hardly a man,” Anita muttered. She saw Kevin wince out of the corner of her eye, glad
that he’d heard her. Now if only he’d leave her to visit with her friends in peace.

“We gotta head out,” Madison stated, “We’ll come by in a couple of days.”

No such luck. Her friends hugged her goodbye and then they were gone, leaving her alone with the man she used to love and admire but now despised. Funny how one conversation could turn someone’s opinion around so suddenly.

“What do you want?” Anita asked again.

“To say I am sorry.” he told her, his reasoning not changing. Anita looked at him, and for the first time, realized that he was in one of the hideous hospital gowns, an IV pole next to him. She’d been so angry with him before, she’d missed the minor, or maybe important details.

“Whatever,” Anita replied, “You were a prick. You are now on my list of people to hate.”

She could hear Kevin sigh, yet he didn’t leave. He just stood their, which made Anita ncomfortable. She just wanted to be left alone if she had that option compared to his company. She obviously did not have a choice though.

“What’s your name?” he asked, trying to make conversation, “You already know mine.”

“None of your business.” she stated.

“Just tell me,” Kevin asked, “So I don’t go around calling you ‘chick’ or ‘hey you’ or something.”

Anita really didn’t want him to call her anything t all. She figured if he had to though, she would rather it be her real name than anything else. Especially some nickname he came up with for her. She feared to know what that would be if she allowed it to happen.

“Anita.” she replied simply, not saying any more than she absolutely had to.

“Nice to meet you, Anita,” Kevin grinned, “So, why are you here?”

“I’m sick,” she replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. There was no way she was telling him how she was sick, “And you?”

“Cancer,” he told her.

“No shit, Sherlock?” Anita asked with sarcasm dripping in her tone, “Who would have thought you, a cancer patient, would be on the cancer floor.” she gasped in mock horror.
Kevin chuckled, “Yeah, well, your answer wasn’t any better.”

Anita raised an eyebrow, “You aren’t very good at taking hints, are you?” he looked at her blankly, “Typical male.” Kevin still didn’t move, “So what kind of cancer do
you have?”

“I’d rather not talk about it right yet.” Kevin told her.

“Ditto, so don’t even ask.” Anita replied sourly.

Kevin bit his lip, already able to tell that she was going to hold a grudge against him over their first encounter. Her attitude was making him feel uncomfortable. He looked around, trying to think of an excuse to leave. Nothing came to mind though. “I gotta go,” Kevin informed her, “I hope to see you around. Maybe we could talk some more.”

“I could only hope that we don’t.” Anita muttered.

“Bye.” Kevin stated, ignoring her nasty retort.

Anita said nothing and finally, after a long pause, Kevin turned around and left. She rolled her eyes. The man seriously could not get the clue. This was going to be a long next few months, taking in to mind he could be there just as long as her. She could only hope that he left her alone. It would make her stay a lot more stress free and her concentration on getting well more in tact. If he didn’t, she would have his annoying presence on her mind, enabling her to focus on getting rid of the leukemia. Right now, she didn’t need any unwanted distractions and that was exactly what Kevin was. A very much unwanted distraction.

Chapter Four

The next day rolled around faster than Anita would have liked. At exactly ten o’ clock in the morning, she stiffly walked down to the chemo room, where her first session would take place. She was afraid. Terrified. Petrified. No word could describe well enough how she felt. Anita wished that she wasn’t alone. She hated the thought of going through chemotherapy without anybody by her side. She hated the unknown...especially when that unknown was something that was bad.

Wandering around the somewhat unknown halls, Anita wondered where the chemo treatment room was. She had been told where it was, but had only been listening half way, causing her to walk aimlessly around in hopes to accidentally run in to it. She didn’t want to have to stop and ask anybody, admitting she didn’t listen. She wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. She could hear it now. The nagging voice of a nurse saying that if she wasn’t responsible, it would prevent her from getting well. Anita knew from now on, she’d have to listen more carefully. She’d also forgotten her bear to hold on too. Looking up at a clock on the wall, she saw that she was already five minutes late, knowing that there wasn’t time for her to go back and get it. She’d have to do without it this time. She sighed, knowing she would have to move faster and find the place soon.

After a few more wrong turns down halls and many times of turning around, she finally found the right place. Above the door, in lit letters was the word Chemotherapy. She began to shake as she pushed open the glass door, walking inside. A receptionist looked up as the door softly closed. The room was brightly lit. Too brightly lit for Anita. She felt that the lights should be dimmed, to fit the setting and mood of the place. Then again, maybe they were kept bright for a reason. As she looked around, she soon neared the receptionist desk. Looking ahead of her, she offered a shaky smile to the woman who looked tired and worn out.

“Name please?” she asked

“Anita Rodriguez,” Anita whispered, her voice barely audible, however the receptionist must have heard her for she typed something in to her computer, “Where do I need to go?” she asked, and the lady held up one finger, telling Anita to hold on for a moment.

Anita stood there, looking around again. She felt highly uncomfortable, as if she were a speck of something being examined under a microscope. And she pretty much was. She was a human stuck in the hospital, there for doctors to examine her and do tests on her. In all reality, she was pretty much a scientific experiment. If all went well, good, but if not, she lost. She would die. They would experiment on others hoping for a better outcome. Anita knew that if she told her theory to anybody, they would think that she was demented and twisted, and in all reality, maybe she was. But at that moment, there was no way she could have a positive outlook on things. It was morally impossible to her, to say the least.

“You were scheduled for fifteen minutes ago,” the lady spoke.

Anita cringed at the irritation in her voice. She was not getting off to a very good start here. Anita searched her brain for what to say to make things better, but nothing came. She sighed in defeat, knowing she had nothing creative to say.

“I got lost,” Anita said, “It took me awhile to find the right place.”

The woman raised an eyebrow, looking at Anita skeptically. Anita just shrugged her small shoulders, waiting to be told where to go next.

“Just through the door behind me. The other three ten o’clock appointments are already there, so take the seat that’s left.”

Anita nodded once, thanking the lady before quickly scurrying in to the room. She looked around, seeing a row of two chairs with an older man and middle aged woman who were reading magazines. The expressions on their face wasn’t pleasant, telling her what she had already told was true: the treatments were no picnic in the park. She walked past them and around a corner, stopping short. There was an empty seat next to the person she wanted to see least. Kevin. She was tempted to run, far, far away from the man who’d been nothing but rude to her, and skip out on her treatments. She decided quickly against that route though. The sooner she started, the sooner she’d be out of the hospital. If she skipped, it would make her more prone to not getting well. If Anita knew one thing, it was that days made all the difference in the world when it came to cancer.

Taking a deep breath, she neared Kevin, forcing herself to take the steps towards him. Before her first encounter with him, she’d only dreamed of what it would be like to meet any member of her favorite vocal group. But now...now she wanted nothing to do with the man whom she was stuck in the same hospital with. Even though no words were spoken, she could tell that he thought he was superior than the rest.

As she took the seat next to Kevin, he looked up from the book he was reading, and over at her. Although she was looking straight ahead of her, she could see out of the corner of her eye him looking at her. It made her feel awkward and she wished that he would just mind his own business. No such luck though. She could see him finger the page he was on, holding it as a bookmark as he closed the book.

“What a coincidence seeing you here,” he stated, “A little late though, aren’t we?”

“Mind your own damned business.” Anita grumbled.

Kevin chuckled lightly. Her stubborn attitude intrigued him to keep going. He was bound to find out more about this girl. He was bound to break the hard shell she’d built around herself against him and befriend her.

“First day?” he asked, his green eyes never laying off of her.

Anita didn’t reply, wondering when the session was going to start. She was trying to hard to ignore the egotistical man, but wondered if there was a reason he was talking, and a reason everyone was preoccupied with something else. She suddenly wished she’d brought something of her own to do, but at least knew better for next time.

“Must be,” Kevin automatically assumed, “I can tell by how tense you are.”

That did it for Anita. She whipped her head
around, staring in to his eyes. There was fire in her own. She just stared at him for a moment.

“Did you ever think that I was tense because I don’t want to be around you?” she spat, “I don’t like you. I swear, you are as clueless as Nick seems.”

Kevin laughed, “I see you catch on to ole’ Nick’s clueless nature,” the laughter soon began to die though, “He’s a good guy though. He tries.”

Anita snorted, “Oh yeah, just like I used to think that you were a good guy,” she rolled her eyes, “Glad I met you, because you proved me oh so wrong, chico.”

All was silent for a moment, as Kevin was unsure as to how to reply to the bitter remark. He’d never been perceived as rude before, and the thought baffled him. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it, wondering if he should even try. He looked at the girls features. He found her to be beautiful, but was afraid that if he told her so, she would try to press charges for assault.

“To answer your question, yes, this is my first day,” Anita spoke.

Kevin nodded knowingly and Anita wished she could slap the smug look off of his face. It would relieve so much tension that she had built up inside of her. She looked away from him, staring straight ahead again, hoping that it would give him the hint that she was done speaking with him. He didn’t look away though, and it was all that she could do not to show her frustration.

“I could tell,” Kevin told her, “By the way you’re acting.”

Anita looked at Kevin, clapping her hands together with a false, forced smile on her lips as well as a look of surprise.

“Good job. Kevin earns a cookie,” she spat, her voice dripping in sarcasm, “Want to see if you can earn another?”

Kevin looked at her strangely, finally turning his head away. He opened his book back up and started reading again. Anita was thankful that he’d finally gotten the message that she wanted nothing to do with him...for now, anyways. She gave it a day or two before he was in her hair again. That gave her a day or two to come up with a plan to keep him out however.

Minutes later, a nurse came out, standing directly above Anita. She looked up at the young woman, knowing that her fate had come. Without saying a word, she took the IV that was next to Anita, sticking the needle carefully in to her and un-clamping the tube. She walked away and Anita watched as the liquid slowly moved through the tubes as the drug treatment went in to her body. Almost the instant that it hit her veins, pain inflicted her entire body. She winced, turning her head away from Kevin so he wouldn’t see the tears of pain streaking her face. That’s the last thing that she wanted...Kevin getting pleasure out of seeing her in that state. He must have sensed it anyways though, because she felt a hand on top of hers. Looking over, she saw that Kevin had discarded of his book completely and was looking at her with sympathetic, comforting eyes.

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” he asked.

Anita just nodded, “You coulda warned me.” she sniffled, wanting to just scream in agony. It would make her feel so much better.

“I would have, but would you have listened?” Kevin asked

Anita hesitated before shaking her head slowly. She was pretty sure she would not have listened. She was stubborn, and being she wasn’t particularly making good terms with the man, she didn’t think she would have even taken his words of advice in to consideration.

“Can I give you a hint of advice?” he asked her then

Anita shook her head again. She couldn’t understand why he was trying to be nice to her when she’d done nothing but treat him like what was on the bottom of her shoes. She did know though that she didn’t plan on treating him special any time soon. Anita bit her lip as a massive pain shot through her arm. She could taste blood from biting so hard and all she wanted was for the session to be over. She did have one question in mind though for Kevin. After contemplating whether or not to ask and a few hesitations, she opened her mouth and spoke.

“Why does the chemo not seem to affect you?” she asked, her voice coming out in a whisper because if she let it come out loud, she knew it would tremble and squeak, “I mean, why is it you’re sitting there as if it is nothing?”

Kevin shrugged, “Keeping a positive attitude,” he replied simply, “As much as I want to let everything out, I figure keeping a positive attitude will help me in the long run.”

Anita snorted. If only she could be as strong as him, but as her tears continued to fall, she knew that she wasn’t nor ever would be.

The remainder of the session was drawn out in silence. Neither spoke, and Kevin had returned to his novel. Anita sat there, silent tears cascading down her cheeks. Now she knew why everybody brought something to preoccupy them. It was to perform as a distraction to keep their mind off of what was happening to them. She was going to make sure that for the next time, she too brought something, although she didn’t see how anything could help.

What seemed like an eternity and a half later, the nurse came in and released Kevin. He smiled at her, which looked to her like a smile of encouragement before walking away. She sighed, knowing since she was late, she’d be let go later than the rest, and she was after a long, grueling seventeen minutes. As soon as she stood up, her body swayed from weakness, the chemo knocking out any zest she had in her. She was drained of energy and felt nauseous. Staggering towards the door to leave, Anita knew that she would need help getting to her room, but not before she threw up. In a panic, she turned to the nurse, her voice coming out low.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

The nurse took her arm and gently led her there, holding her hair back for her as she heaved in to the toilet. Anita didn’t know how she was going to survive the next few months, especially if she had nobody to go through it with. Kevin came to her mind, and as much as she disliked the idea, she thought that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to make nice with him, just until they were both well enough to go home. That way, she would at least have somebody. With another sigh, Anita slumped her shoulders, feeling as if she’d thrown up all that was in her. At the thought of being nice to Kevin, she couldn’t help but wonder if the chemotherapy was affecting her brain.

Chapter Five

Anita slept for almost the rest of the day. The chemo session had drained her completely of all the energy she’d had. After throwing up, emptying the contents of her stomach, a nurse had helped her back up to her room in a wheelchair and in to bed. She’d felt like a drugged zombie, barely able to think straight or keep her eyes open, and she hadn’t even tried to. There was no use and sleeping would at least put her out of her pain and misery for a short time.

The side effects of the treatment Anita had not been expecting. She’d been warned of what they were, but when she’d actually started to experience them, they had come as a blow to her. It had surprised her that it had all hit at once on her first day. Anita had assumed that they would gradually come on over time. She’d never been so wrong in her life.

When she awakened, her eyes felt puffy and sore from all the crying she’d done. Her throat felt raw from the vomiting. It was then that Anita knew the worst was yet to come. If one day was this horrible, then she knew things would not be getting better any time soon. She laid on her side, gazing blankly out the window. It was no longer light out, however the way that the sun was setting in the horizon told her that it was about eight-thirty without even looking at the clock on the wall. Within ten minutes, it would be completely black.

Keeping her back turned, Anita could sense the presence of someone sitting by her bedside. She wasn’t really up to having visitors, but was curious to see who’d come to see her. The only people she could think of would be Madison, Juanita, Kimberly or Kevin. As far as she knew, nobody else knew that she was there. Anita stirred, moaning lightly as she turned over to face the visitor. To say she was shocked to see who it was would be an understatement, however she was still way too weak to show it.

“Taylor?” she whispered, not because of the silence of the hospital, but because she could not find her voice to speak any louder.

She hadn’t a clue as to why her ex boyfriend, who she’d broken up with weeks before would be visiting her. They’d been together for just over three years and she’d told him that she wanted to be single to explore her options. He’d become teary, begging her not to leave him, proclaiming his love for her, but she refused to cave. They hadn’t spoken since and she wondered if Taylor was just an illusion caused by the drugs because of that fact.

Anita got no response. Just a stare with sympathy filled eyes. She reached out to touch the person to see he was real or if her hand would go right through him. She was stopped short though due to the restraints of her IV’s. She didn’t force herself or try again, tucking her arm back under the blanket to keep herself warm.

“Taylor?” Anita said again, her voice louder this time, but not by much, “Is that you?”

Again, Anita didn’t get a response from whoever it was right away, but she could see the person shift in the dimness of the room. She blinked a couple of times and he as still sitting there no more than a foot from her bedside.

“Yes, it’s me Nita,” he finally replied softly, reaching over and placing a reassuring hand on top of hers that was peeking out from under the covers.

Her breath caught, and she didn’t know what to
say suddenly. What could she say after how she’d hurt him? And a better question was why would he even come to see her after what she’d done so cruelly and heartlessly.

“Wha...what are you dong here?” she stammered as she struggled to sit up, then asked another question, “Why are the lights off?”

Taylor stood up and walked towards the door. For a moment, Anita thought that he was leaving. He didn’t though. He flipped on the light, brightness filling the room as he returned to his seat.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” he replied simply.

Anita smiled. He’d always been so thoughtful and considerate like that. Nothing had changed in that sense. Neither had her feelings about them being together though. She couldn’t force herself to love him again and get that flame back to burning in their relationship. It would be unfair to him to be with him and lead him on.

“Thanks,” Anita said, “That was nice of you,” she paused for a moment before saying, “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see how you were,” was Taylor’s response, “I was concerned when I’d heard that you were here.”

Anita snorted. She hadn’t meant to come off as short and rude, but his exclamation was lame. She wondered who’d told him about her hospitalization and if he even was informed as to why she was there. It didn’t appear that he knew. Otherwise, there would be more tension in the room. Enough to suffocate a person.

“I’m in a hospital, Taylor. How do you think I’m doing?” she asked crossly. She was beginning to feel a little better the longer that she was up, but still was not feeling even remotely close to back to normal. It had not even been a day, but she already forgot what normal felt like.

He winced at her tone, realizing the stupidity of the words he had spoken. He tried to search her eyes and read what she was thinking. When they were together, he could always figure out what was on her mind without her saying a thing.

“Madison told me,” he finally stated, knowing he hadn’t lost his touch by the look of surprise that crossed her eyes, “She said that it was up to you to tell me why though,” he gave her a questioning look and she knew right off that he was waiting for an exclamation.

“Why do you care anyways?” Anita asked, “I mean, I broke up with you six weeks ago and we haven’t said one word to each other since. So why do you care about what happens to me now?” she have him a look of skeptism.

A hurt expression came over Taylor’s face. Her words had stung him and he realized that she didn’t know him all that well, and maybe never had. Anita bit her lip and looked down, feeling bad for how she was acting towards him. Neither said anything for a long moment. The tension was stronger and Anita knew that it was because of her.

“I’ve never stopped caring, Anita,” Taylor finally spoke softly. His words broke the silence un- expectantly, causing Anita to jump, “I’ll always care about you no matter what happens.”

Anita considered his words. Deep down, she knew this was true. At the moment though, she was mad at the world. She was capable to saying anything to anyone, even if she did not mean it. The thing was, she was not up for apologies either, so she didn’t.

“Leukemia,” was all she said, turning her head away so she wouldn’t have to see his reaction, “I have leukemia.”

It was as if time stood still at that moment. She swore that she heard Taylor’s breath catch in his throat. Anita was waiting for him to stand up and walk out the door. She wouldn’t blame him if he did. She couldn’t think of anyone who’d want to associate with someone like herself, especially since she’d broken the tie between them. They were no longer attached, so he had no obligations to stay by her side any longer than he wanted to. Yet he didn’t leave.

“You have ca...cancer?” Taylor repeated, his voice trembling slightly. Anita turned to face him again. He looked as if he’d seen a ghost and she could tell that he was fighting tears, which made her realize that he really did care. Maybe more than she’d like him to care.

Anita nodded, feeling ashamed of this fact. She knew that she couldn’t help it, yet it made her feel like some filthy person who’d brought it upon herself. The feeling was not good. It made her feel worthless and unworthy of anybody’s time.

Taylor leaned in, taking Anita in to his arms in a warm, comforting hug, which surprised her greatly. She hadn’t expected it and from his actions, she felt that maybe they could move past their breakup and stay good friends.

“Are they sure?” Taylor asked softly, “I mean, one hundred percent sure? Have you looked in to getting a second opinion?” his voice told her that he was in panic mode...and she felt bad about it. She hated to see what he’d be like if they were still a serious couple.

Anita shook her head sadly. She trusted the hospitals judgement. They may be small, but they were also employed by only the best doctors. Besides that, she had all of the signs of leukemia. She didn’t need to hear the cruel, harsh words from yet another professional.

Taylor said nothing. He was having a hard time grasping the fact that the girl that had been in his life in one way or another since the third grade was suffering like this. He felt she didn’t deserve it and the punishment was unjust for the type of person she was. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he knew he’d have to accept the fact.

“What’s going to happen to you?” he asked quietly, “I mean...um, how...are...” he stumbled over his words, not sure of the right things to say and ask. The last thing he wanted to do was say the wrong thing.

“As long as I keep going to chemo and doing what they say, then there is a good chance that I’ll go in to remission. If I don’t, then I’ll die,” she shrugged, “The option is up to me, although right now, I’m planning on fighting to get my life back.”

She could swear that she saw Taylor breath a sigh of relief. She still didn’t get why he cared so much about her well being, or perhaps it was that she didn’t want him to care. After all, he’d been the one who’d wanted to keep their relationship together.

“You better not give up,” he warned, “I know you can beat this. You’ve always been a fighter, making an effort to get what you want.”

Anita stuck out her tongue at Taylor playfully, “You make me sound like a selfish bitch.” she stated, “Gee, thanks.”

Taylor just laughed, not responding to her comment. Anita wondered if that was a sign that he agreed, but didn’t have time to put much thought in to it. Before she knew it, Taylor was leaning over, giving her a warm hug.

“I should get going,” he told her, “I have to be at work early tomorrow morning. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Thanks,” Anita replied, returning the hug, “Come back and see me again.”

Taylor nodded, promising that he would and then he was gone. Anita sighed, lying back down. She was becoming tired again. Closing her eyes, Anita fell back in to another deep sleep. She didn’t notice Kevin standing outside her doorway, watching as Taylor walked down the hall, wondering who he had been, unable to wait until she woke up to get some answers out of her and get to know the girl who
intrigued him a little better.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The next time Anita awoke, it was light out again. She was happy that the chemotherapy only took place four days a week. This was her day off, however she wouldn’t be going through the day completely left alone. She’d still have nurses and doctors hounding her for the majority of the day, unfortunately.

Sitting up, although feeling a little woozy, Anita felt a lot better than she had all of the day before. Her mind wondered and she thought of Taylor. Had he really come to visit her, or had it all been some dream she’d had as a result of the drugs? She didn’t know, looking around for a sign that would tell her if he really had been there or not. At first, nothing out of the ordinary caught her eye, but then she saw it. In between the vases of flowers on the stand by her bed, one she didn’t think she’d seen before made her do a double take. She reached over, plucking the small card out from between the white roses with red tips. She read the card slowly, the writing telling her the bit of information she’d been wanting to know.

Anita-
I don’t know why you’re here yet, but I hope it’s nothing serious and you get better soon.
Love
Taylor

A small smile had formed on her lips. Sure, the love part made her feel a bit uncomfortable, because she felt no love or romance towards him any longer, but she figured after the night before, they could be good friends and she could confide in him in times of need. Just as she was placing the card back with their flowers, somebody walked in to the room.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

Anita looked up an saw Kevin standing there. The smile started to turn in to a scowl. Anita didn’t know exactly what she had against the man. All she knew was that he’d been an ass to her during their first encounter. He’d been nothing but nice since, but she didn’t want him to think that just because he was famous and she was a fan, that she’d give him special treatment.

“Doing the tango,” Anita replied dryly as she sat in her bed, “What does it look like I’m doing? Not much else to do but sit.”

Kevin ignored her remark as he advanced further in to the room. Anita wondered why he was so bad at taking hints. She thought that he’d know by now that she wanted nothing to do with him. She obviously wasn’t doing enough.

“Why are you here?” she asked him.

Kevin shrugged, taking a seat. He said nothing for a moment and neither did Anita. She just turned her head, looking out the window.

“I guess I’m just lonely here,” he finally admitted, his masculine voice startling her as it ripped through the quiet room, “Nobody else here is interested in talking to me, so I hoped maybe you would be different.”

Anita almost felt sorry for him, her heart starting to get a feeling of pity and softness. Before it got out of hand though, she hardened up again as she turned back to Kevin.

“Then why were you such an ass when we first met?” Anita asked him, putting the man on the spot, “If you wanted to befriend me so badly, why were you so rude?”

“Not sure,” Kevin answered, “Anger, I guess. I’d just gotten off of the phone with a friend and it had me depressed because their life is normal and mine isn’t any longer.”


Anita sat stunned, not sure how to respond. Kevin had just opened up a little bit to her. She felt herself letting her guard down, the hate she’d developed for him diminishing before her. She didn’t know why, but she felt his need, realizing they were in the same boat. She still had her friends, but they were part of the normal world. They wouldn’t understand what she was going through. Kevin, on the other hand, would.

“We actually do have something in common then,” Anita spoke, her voice kinder than it had been since she’d met him a couple days before, “I feel I’ve lost a part of my life that I’ll never be able to get back.”

Neither said anything for a moment. Kevin’s mind was on what he’d seen the night before. He wanted to know more about that, but was afraid to bring it up. He’d finally gotten the girl to be civil to him. He’d hate to ruin it already, less than a minute later. He bit his lip, taking in a deep breath, deciding that he had nothing to lose.

“I saw your boyfriend came to visit you last night,” he hinted, hoping that it would be a conversation starter and give him more information of what he wanted to hear.

“Spying now, are we?” Anita asked, and he couldn’t tell if she was joking or serious.

“No, I um...was...I was just walking by,” he sputtered, “And...I um, I happened to see you with him.”

Anita giggled, the feeling making her feel better than she had in a long time. It felt like days since she’d last smiled.

“Joking,” she informed him finally, “Don’t freak on me now. Actually, he’s kind of a friend. We dated a while back, but it didn’t work out.

Anita could swear that she saw a smile form on his face, but it faded too quickly for her to tell. She looked at him strangely, knowing that he was about to say something.

“Sorry to hear that,” he told her, and she felt that he was almost sincere about it, but knew there was something that was making him not the least bit sorry, or if anything at all, the pity was minimal.

Anita shrugged, “I didn’t feel the way I did in the beginning. Didn’t want to hold on and lead him on, ya know.” he nodded, understanding where she was coming from, “How about you, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Not sure,” he told her openly, “I did when I left, but haven’t heard from her since I arrived here, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I suppose you could say I am single.”

“I’m sorry,” she told him, honestly meaning it, “I wonder why some people can’t handle cancer. It is not contagious and we can’t help it. So why do they act like we’re lepers?”

Kevin shrugged, “I don’t know,” he told her, “Something I’ll never figure out.”

Anita sighed, not knowing what to say. She’d gone from angry, to okay, to happy for just a moment to confused in a matter of thirty minutes. Her emotions were on a roller coaster and she knew then that if she was going to make it, she’d have to let Kevin in and befriend him. She was finding that he wasn’t so bad after all, and they would both need each other when it all came down to it in the end. The question was, how much longer did they have before the worst finally took effect? She wished she knew, therefore she could prepare. She had nothing though. What her future held was a scary, blank slate waiting to be filled in.

**Chapter Six**

Weeks passed, and although the Anita got used to the chemo sessions, it didn’t make them any easier. Her and Kevin were pretty much going through the same things at the same time, despite him starting weeks before her. She wondered if it was because his drug dosage was lower than hers or because he was a man, and able to keep his strength up for a longer period of time than her. Either way, the major side effects were starting to take affect on them at the same time. They were going through it together.

Along with half of the time of not being able to keep their food down, Anita and Kevin were both bloating out, result of the drugs, as well as losing their hair. That aspect depressed Anita more than she could ever express. It wasn’t as if she was completely bald, which would have been an improvement to how she looked. Instead, her hair was coming out in patchy clumps. Whenever she looked in to the mirror, her reflection reminded her of an overused rag doll. She had clumps of long black hair coming out with big bald patches in the middle of it all. Baldness consumed most of her head though. She felt that she looked hideous.

Kevin wasn’t looking much better. His head looked the same, his face round and puffed. His skin, as well as hers was splotchy with various shades of pink, red and peach. His eyes always showed tiredness as well as being bloodshot and puffed. He looked at least ten years older than he had when she’d first met him. The emerald greens of his eyes looked dull and lifeless. The sparkle had faded. She still found him attractive though, despite how cancer was taking its toll on his looks, making him take a turn for the definite worse.

Madison, Kimberly and Juanita visited Anita every other day. Whether they all be together, come in twos or separately, she always had at least someone there every other day. It made her feel good that her three best friends were sticking by her through the rough rut she’d hit in her life. Even though their conversations sometimes came off as strained and even uncomfortable, they still kept their visits steady. She felt that said something in itself that they hadn’t quit coming. Taylor had even come to see her three times after his first visit, making them pretty much weekly. That she appreciated greatly. He’d tried to get her back, but after her telling her it wasn’t going to happen, he gave up, accepting the fact that they’d only be friends. Anita felt bad for Kevin though. Not once had she seen anybody visiting him. They were together, spending their lonely days being bored in one another company, almost all of the time. She would have seen if someone had come to see him. She wondered if it was because of his attitude, or had to do with him not wanting it to get out that he was there. If friends and family visited, it was more likely to get out. That, she knew could, or maybe even would ruin his career and have the presses business where it was not wanted nor belonged. She still felt sorry for him though, knowing how hard it must be on him to have nobody from his ‘normal’ life there to support him and be behind him.

As Anita walked slowly and weakly past the bathroom of her small room, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. She stopped, looking more closely at herself, sticking out her tongue in distaste, scrunching her nose up. She wished more than anything that she could rip the mirror off of the wall and throw it out of the window, watching it shatter into a million splintering shards of sharp glass all over the parking lot below her. That in itself would be good therapy for her. Then again, it might cause her to wind up in anger management classes as well as chemotherapy and the counseling sessions that her and Kevin were signed up to start in a week to talk about their feelings on what was happening to them. Anita rolled her eyes at that. What did the morons expect them to say? That they wanted to jump up and down on their bed in absolute joy at the thought of being sick and possibly dying? She didn’t think so. She was sure she could speak for everyone if she were to say that they were all angry and felt whatever happened to them unjust and unfair.

Tearing her eyes away from the monster in the reflection, Anita walked towards her bed, ready to get some rest. Just as she was crawling in to bed, getting under the covers of the thin, knit bedspread, Kevin walked by her room. He stopped, looking in at her. She smiled weakly at him with sad eyes, noticing a blue bandana he had wrapped around his head. Anita decided that he’d just bought it, for she’d never noticed him wearing it before. She figured that it was to hide the baldness that had consumed him, not helping but noticed how handsome he looked wearing it. If only she could be so lucky. Bandana or not, it would still be obvious that she’d lost her hair. Kevin noticed that she was depressed from the short distance, making his way in to her room.

“Hey,” he greeted with a small wave.

“Hi,” Anita replied in monotone.

Kevin stood still, examining Anita’s face. Her eyes were dark and appeared sunken in with stress, strain and exhaustion. He was worried for her. Her attitude had gone from angry to just plain depressed and drained of all hope. Although her cancer wasn’t worsening, he had a feeling that her health was not improving either due to her negative attitude. Then again, neither was his as of yet, and he was trying to stay as positive as a person could get in a situation like theirs. Looking at her for another moment, Kevin put a comforting arm on her shoulder, concern in his eyes.

“Are you doing alright?” he asked her

Anita shook her head slowly. It was time she stop denying that everything was okay and she was coping. She needed someone to talk to about everything. Her friends didn’t understand what she was going through, so they were out. Taylor also was out of the question. The counseling sessions helped, but she didn’t feel as comfortable as some of the others did about being completely open. She said as much as she felt was necessary, keeping the majority of her feelings bottled up tightly and closed off to everyone. Now though, she wanted to express herself more openly, and Kevin seemed the best candidate

Kevin stepped closer to Anita sitting down next to her. He wrapped his strong arms around her in a comforting hug, holding her close. He felt Anita burry her head in to his shoulder and heard a soft sniffle knowing that she was crying.

“It’ll be okay,” he soothed, reading her mind on what was troubling her, “Everything will be okay. We’ll get through this together. We’ll beat cancer together.”

This caused Anita’s sobs to grow harder and louder as her body shook in Kevin’s embrace. She wondered why he was being so good to her when she’d been a cold hearted bitch towards him for so long. Even after he’d tried to apologize for how he’d been on their first encounter, she’d been un-accepting of it. Still though, even though she had some good days with him and they got along great, at other times, her tempter still flared and she was less than pleasant to him. Anita didn’t know why he continued to be there for her and befriend her, but she appreciated it, knowing that without him there, she could never have gotten this far alone.

“I’m so scared though, Kev,” Anita wept, her voice nearly a whisper, “I...I don’t know what I’m doing. My...my body is so...weak and sore all the time. My looks are changing. I’m bald...puffy...bloated...I’m just plain ugly and unattractive. I’m not getting any better. All this is for nothing.”

Kevin pulled away from the hug, keeping his hands on Anita’s shoulders firmly holding her at arms distance. He looked at her sternly, his green eyes telling her that he did not approve of her negative thoughts and feelings. Anita blushed and looked down, hating the feeling of guilt he was putting upon her.

“Listen to me, Anita,” Kevin said, his voice kind, gentle, yet serious and firm. Anita continued to look down to avoid his gaze, knowing that she was about to get a lecture. Kevin gently took her chin in his cupped hand and brought her face up so she had to look at him, “All this hasn’t been for nothing. Think of how much worse off you’d be if you hadn’t checked in or didn’t know about this. It’s a slow process. It could take weeks to see results, it could take months. All you can do is take each day as its own, one step at a time.” he paused seeing tears trickling down Anita’s cheeks, “And you are not unattractive. You’re quite beautiful, hair or not. You look amazing, despite whatever side effect you have to hurdle over as a result of the drugs.”

Anita squeezed her eyes shut, knowing that she was going to start crying harder. She felt hideous while Kevin was speaking words of encouragement to her. She didn’t know how he could feel that way about her when all she saw was a thing staring back at her in the mirror.

“How could you say that,” Anita asked, forcing words to come out, “When I look like this? How is it you see something I don’t?”


“Because I’m looking past everything and seeing your true beauty shining through the temporary scars cancer has left you.”

Anita looked into the emerald eyes looking at her so softly and kindly. She stared at him in question, curiosity in her eyes as she wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her paper gown. Kevin helped by brushing away a falling tear with his index finger.

“Why are you being so good to me?”

Kevin stared at her and smiled. She looked so innocent and delicate sitting there. Through the weeks, he’d grown to know her for the woman she was, and it was everything he wanted. He felt an attraction he knew he shouldn’t, but wasn’t going to try to push it away.

“Because of this,” Kevin murmured before taking her chin in a cupped hand and bringing her face so close to his that she felt his breath right before his lips pressed against hers ever so gently in a sweet kiss.
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“He kissed you?” Kimberly asked, astonished by the news that Anita had just told her and her friends.

It was later that night and Anita had been surprised to see her friends walk through the doorway. It was a rare occasion, as all three of them were there this time. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d all been there together.

In response to their question, Anita nodded her head excitedly and vigorously. Her smile was wide and she was glowing for the first time since she’d entered the torture chamber that they referred to as a hospital.

“Are you sure?” Madison asked, “I mean....Kev is gorgeous and older. I know you’re friends and all, but are you sure you weren’t dreaming this?”

Anita shook her head. She’d thought so too at first, but decided quickly after that what she’d experienced was for real and not just a dream.

“You don’t dream the feelings I felt while it was happening,” Anita informed them, “It was like butterflies in my stomach, sparks shooting throughout my body. Fireworks were going off, guys. It was definitely for real.”

“You lucky bitch,” Kimberly teased, “I can’t even get a boy, let alone man, who looks like him. Maybe I should check myself in to here for something to meet people.”

All four girls laughed at this. Anita’s was slightly forced though. She could read behind her friends hidden yet unintentional message. She thought that Anita wasn’t looking her best and thought it unfair that someone looking like her could meet someone while she on the other hand could not.

“Anyways,” Juanita said, wanting to change the subject, “We won’t be around next week at all. We’re going to Tampa on that road trip we all planned awhile back.”

Anita noticed Madison elbow the girl in the ribs and give her an annoyed glare. Juanita blushed and looked down while Madison looked back at her sweetly and smiled.

“I know we were all planning on going together, but you can’t now since you’re here,” she paused and bit her lip in the way she did when she wanted to get her way and make people feel bad for her to give it to her, “If you don’t want us to go, then just say something. We don’t want to have fun without you if you don’t want us to go.”

Anita forced a smile hoping that it was not too obvious, “No, go,” she told them, “I want you girls to
have a good time.”

“Are you sure?” Kimberly asked

“Positive.”

“You won’t hold any grudges or have hard feelings?” Madison asked, “Cuz I know you were looking forward to it so much.”

“No hard feelings.” Anita assured them, although she was boiling in jealousy.

She saw all three of them breath a sigh of relief, although trying not to show too much enthusiasm in front of the lone girl. She smiled, figuring she might as well not bring them down and ruin their summer just because of her own misery. Anita sighed though. She could feel the strong bond the four of them had held slipping further apart...the three of them on one side, her alone. She’d felt this way for a couple of weeks, but had tried to dismiss it as nothing other than her imagination. She no longer could though. She felt as if her friends were slowly betraying her and straying away. Anita wondered when or if they’d stop coming to visit all together. And if they did, who would she have? Anita knew that she couldn’t fall back on Kevin forever. She needed her friends there for her too. The question was, did they want to be or were they staying merely out of obligation? It was something that Anita didn’t want to figure out due to fear but knew that with time, she would eventually know for sure.

**Chapter Seven**

Anita stared at her reflection in the mirror as she ran her hand over her now completely bald head. It felt smooth to the touch, although Anita hated how she looked even more than before. The puffiness had gone down, but she looked worse than ever. Her complection was a ghostly white how, her veins showing through her skin as if it were transparent. Her eyes were constantly swollen red and the normally dark brown irises of her eyes were completely grey and lifeless. She wished that she could go buy a wig and a little makeup to bring some color back in to her, but she didn’t think that her wish would be granted. She was stuck looking like a living dead girl. Besides, makeup would probably only make her look like a freak, something along the lines of Marilyn Manson, or worse yet, transsexual, beings since she’d become completely bald, she looked like a boy, or at least in her own eyes she did. Either way, when it came to her looks, it was a lose, lose situation. Anita knew that she shouldn’t care and was probably being shallow worrying about her appearance while in the hospital, but she didn’t care. She hated feeling ugly, and when it came down to it, hating herself was probably delaying her recovery.

Slinking away from the mirror slowly, Anita left her room to go down to the activity center. She hoped to find something to do down there that wouldn’t make her boredom remain. After a full three and a half weeks in the hospital, she still hadn’t found anything to do that was slightly entertaining. Maybe this time would be different.

Once down in the center, as soon as she walked in, a calendar caught her eye. It was August 21st. The day that her and her friends were supposed to leave for Tampa that day. Her friends were still going, leaving her behind without guilt nor pity. In fact, they hadn’t come to visit her since they’d decided that they were going to go without her. She felt their strain every time they came anyways, like a sixth sense. It was obvious that they felt uncomfortable around them and that she really was no longer a part of their group. She was the sickly freak, they were normal and healthy, wanting nothing to do with the burden she felt she’d become.

With a sigh, Anita forced herself to look away from the calendar, walking away. They were on their way to Tampa on the other side of the country, she was stuck in New Mexico...in the hospital...enduring large amounts of suffering and pain. Anita knew that she was engulfed with self pity, however she didn’t care. Her life was being robbed from her, taking her friends with it. All she had left was Taylor, the ex, and Kevin.

Speaking of Kevin, she saw him sitting alone on a small couch reading a magazine. Anita smiled as her heart beat accelerated, making her way over to him. She noticed that he looked a little more sickly than normal as she approached, and worry struck her that his condition was worsening. Anita sat next to him carefully and quietly, not wanting to disturb him. He looked away from his magazine anyways though and smiled at her.

“Hey there,” he greeted, leaning over to give her a soft kiss on her lips. He closed the magazine, setting it down on the table beside him before he wrapped an arm around Anita, “I was starting to miss you.”

Anita smiled back as she leaned in to him and gave him a kiss in return. Ever since their first kiss a week ago, they’d been, in a sense, dating. Their relationship was rising above friendship quickly. Anita knew that it was only a matter of time before Kevin made it official that they really were in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. The thought thrilled her, for he was able to look past her disgusting appearance and appreciate her for who she was. They had a kind of chemistry, a connection, that she could only dream about finding before then. Even through their rocky start, somehow, they were able to create a close bond that couldn’t be broken. They were there for each other, needed one another, and she was thankful every day that she’d decided to give Kevin another chance to prove that he wasn’t the ass hole he’d first appeared to be.

“Hi,” she replied softly, intertwining her fingers within his of his free hand. She looked up at him and smiled, although he could tell that it wasn’t all natural. He tried to search her eyes with his, to read in to her thoughts, but couldn’t tell what was on her mind.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Kevin asked her.

Anita shrugged and looked down, avoiding his gaze. How was she supposed to tell him what was on her mind without him thinking that she was being shallow and childish. After all, she was nineteen. He was thirty-three. He wouldn’t put up with her if he felt that he was too mature for her. She feared that he would think that, but rather it be later than sooner.

“Anita, you can tell me anything,” Kevin soothed, his tone soft and gentle as he pulled her in to his arms closer, holding on to her within his muscular grasp, “You know that. I’m here for you. Please tell me what’s on your mind.”

Anita took in a deep breath, still not looking up. Her body began to shake, trying to find the words to speak. She knew what she wanted to say, but not how she wanted to say it.

“I’m losing everything,” she whispered, “My friends...they quit coming to see me. They left for a vacation we all planned together...taking off with money that I put in for it. Nobody cares,” she looked away before muttering sadly, “I’ve got nothing.”

Kevin took her hand and rubbed his thumb on it in small circles. He didn’t say anything for a moment, making Anita fear that he thought her as a spoiled, selfish brat. But then he spoke the words that she’d been dying to hear.

“You’ve got me,” he whispered huskily.

Anita looked back at Kevin and smiled as her eyes met his, locking. She didn’t think that she could have been any happier at that moment. Kevin proved that he truly cared about her, and that no matter how lonely she felt, he’d be there for her at least.

“That’s all I really need then.” Anita replied, her voice soft and feathery.

They stared into one another’s eyes for a moment longer before Kevin drew her in for a passionate kiss, sealing everything, telling her that this was for real and not just some game to him. And to her, that meant everything.

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Anita grinned to herself as she made her way to Kevin’s room. It was later on that night and they’d planned to meet in his room at around eight for dinner. Kevin had arranged to have carry out Italian ordered from a local restaurant. She found it romantic, and nobody had ever done anything so for her, including Taylor.

Humming the tune to her favorite love song, Anita continued on to his room, but stopped short once she was at his doorway. Her smile faded as she suddenly felt like a nuisance and as if she were interrupting something, for Kevin had company already, telling her that their plans wouldn’t be taking place after all. They seemed to be in a deep conversation and like they were having a good time. She couldn’t deny Kevin the opportunity of having a friend there when he hadn’t had any for so long. She wasn’t sure if she should say anything or not, but before she could decide, Kevin spotted her. He smiled and waved.

“Anita, I’m glad you showed up,” Kevin stated enthusiastically, beaconing her into the room, “I want you to meet my friend, Nick. He came to surprise me.”

Anita walked in self consciously as she stuck her hand out for Nick to shake. She was nervous, for she was meeting yet another member of her favorite band, but he hadn’t done anything to set her off and break the odd ice breaker as Kevin had.

Nick too, was wearing a disguise, or trying to, like Kevin had in the beginning. Kevin had strayed away from his now, figuring that it was useless to wear it and that his secret was safe. No word would get out of his being there. Nick, on the other hand, was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses, a wig that made his blonde hair be covered by a rug of black that was shaggy, sticking out from under a baseball cap that was on backwards. His attire was from Abercrombie. That she knew, for it was her favorite store and had shopped for Taylor there frequently when they’d been together.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Nick stated, making Anita to blush, something she hardly ever did. She looked over to Kevin, and couldn’t help but notice that he was looking a little more ill than earlier. She was worried about him, but didn’t want to call attention to it with Nick right there.

“Same,” Anita managed, giving a weak smile, feeling her nervousness start to slowly leave her body, “It’s about time one of Kev’s friends come to see him. He’s been lonely without you guys.”

Nick looked down, ashamed that none of them had come sooner. There was an awkward silence and Anita felt bad for breaking the good mood that had filtered the room just seconds before. When nobody still said anything, Anita felt like kicking herself as she silently scolded herself.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered.

“Nah, it’s okay,” Nick replied quickly, not wanting the girl Kevin was obviously crazy for feel even worse, “We’ve called, but I guess it’s not the same. I don’t know why it took me so long to come. I would’ve brought the others, but it might have drawn too much attention and I didn’t want to risk it.”

Nick offered an apologetic smile with guilt filled eyes.

“That’s all the past,” Kevin quickly stated before Nick felt any worse, “What matters is that you finally did show up and are here now...and perfect timing to meet the new woman in my life.”

Anita glowed. It sounded as if she and Kevin really were an item. Nick looked at her and smiled once more. She tried to hold back a laugh for by the look on Nick’s face, she could tell that he was about to say something incredibly stupid.

“You’ve got a gorgeous face, so I can see why Kevin would go for you...but he normally, ehm, goes for chicks with long hair,” he paused before adding, “You should grow some.”

Anita’s smile faded and she could hear Kevin gasp as his arms tightened around her. She looked at him and could see anger fill his face as his mouth continued to hang open.

“Nick, she—,” Kevin began but was cut off by Anita speaking up to defend herself.

“I used to have hair,” she stated cooly, her eyes burning in to him like coal, “Long black hair. But cancer kinda causes you to lose it, weather you like it or not. I’d grow it back if I could...but right now, I just can’t.”

Nick bit his lip, knowing that he couldn’t say anything to dig himself out of this hole that he’d buried himself in. He was stuck up to his neck in mud. Anita turned her to Kevin, hurt in her eyes. For the first time since she’d lost her hair, she’d been feeling okay about herself. No thanks to Nick though, that new found confidence was lost again, and Kevin could see it.

“I’m gonna go,” she stated in sad monotone, “To my room. I’ll see ya later.”

Anita gave Kevin a quick kiss on the mouth before turning and running before either of the two could see her lip quavering and the tears spilling from her eyes. They both watched her flee, Nick speechless, Kevin angry. Kevin turned to his friend. If looks could kill, Nick woulda been done over twice for the senseless comment he’d uttered aloud.

“Um, shit...” Nick stated, as if he was unsure of what to say.

“Uh huh, shit is right,” Kevin sneered, shaking his head in disgust before fleeing after Anita in hopes to comfort her, leaving Nick alone in the room knowing he’d made a mistake.

**Chapter Eight**

Anita sat alone in her room on the rock hard hospital bed. She had it reclined into a sitting position as she hugged her knees close to her, the thin white blanket wrapped around her. She buried her head into her knees as she felt more tears coming. What Nick had said had been harsh to her ears and had hurt her. She’d have thought that the blonde, though he often said things without thinking from what she’d learned through being a fan, would have had enough common sense to know that with cancer came chemo and with that came losing hair. She’d thought he would have had enough common sense not to speak aloud of the sensitive subject. She’d been wrong though.

Anita sniffled loudly. Kevin’s sweetness had made her gain back a lot of her self confidence, for he’d made her feel as if she were beautiful despite being bald and pale. Now she felt hideous all over again, and something else bothered her. Nick had said that Kevin always went for girls with long hair. That definitely was not her. So did he wish that he had someone else...with hair?

Anita was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn’t hear a soft knock on the open door. She just continued to stare in to space, wishing that she’d be taken out of all of this pain and suffering. Wishing that at that moment, she’d just die. The knock came again moments later, only this time, Anita heard it. She looked over and saw Kevin standing there looking more handsome than ever. She looked away without saying a word. There was silence for a minute and Anita wasn’t sure if he’d left or was still there. She got her answer when he finally spoke.

“Can I come in?” came his soft, masculine voice.

Anita shrugged her shoulders, not much in the mood for speaking with words. She still didn’t look at him, but could hear his footsteps padding against the floor as he neared, hearing the soft squeak of the wheels to his IV cart trailing behind him as they rolled across the floor, and then he was right next to her. He stood there for a moment before putting a comforting hand on her knee slowly, as if he were afraid to make a wrong move.

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked her after awhile.

Again, Anita did nothing but shrug. Talking would take too much effort and plus she didn’t want him to hear the shake in her voice. If she spoke, she knew that she’d start to cry again, and she’d just stopped the previous batch of tears from falling.

“Honey, please don’t be mad at me,” Kevin pleaded sadly, “Please talk to me.”

Anita took in a deep breath, trying to will herself not to cry before speaking out loud. She knew that she had to unless she wanted Kevin to think that she was upset with both him and Nick. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I’m not angry with you, Kev,” she finally said, “I’m not really mad at Nick either, I suppose. Agitated, yes...but...” she paused, her brows furrowing as the incident all came back to her in a rush, the feeling of hurt throttling her at full force again, “Hell, ya know what? I am mad at him.”

Kevin chuckled at Anita’s quick turn around. Her feisty, fiery attitude was what had drawn him to her in the first place.

“Nick didn’t mean any harm by it, although I’m upset with him too. He should have known better,” he paused for a moment.

“That still doesn’t make it alright,” Anita told him, really looking at him for the first time since he’d arrived.

Kevin sighed, not really knowing how to reply to that. He was the boyfriend. He was supposed to have the answers to try and solve all of his girls problems, yet this time he didn’t and was afraid if he didn’t say something, he’d be failing her.

“I know,” he said after a moment, then added lamely, “I’ll talk to him later about it. Nick always speaks without thinking. This time, he went too far.”

Kevin could sense that Anita was still upset. He leaned in and gave her a comforting hug and sighed in relief when he felt her arms go around him in return. He was glad to know that she wasn’t holding his friends asinine moves against him.

When they let go, Anita looked at Kevin and smiled, but it faded when she got a good look at him. His features were more pale than normal with a yellowish cast to his skin tone. His eyes had dark circles under them and were bloodshot. He looked to be in severe pain, but as if he were trying to hide it. Anita gulped, thinking that he didn’t look well at all. If she’d thought he looked bad before, he looked even worse now.

“Kevin, are you sure you’re okay?” Anita questioned with concern, “You’re not looking so well today.”

“Gee, thanks babe,” he joked.

“I’m just worried about you.” Anita spoke up defensively.

Kevin smiled at her warmly, “I know,” he stated, “And I appreciate it. I’m fine though. Just exhausted from the events today. I’ll be fine in the morning.”

He squeezed Anita’s hand reassuringly when he saw that she didn’t look convinced. He felt her tense posture loosen up a bit. He didn’t want her to worry, but he wasn’t feeling as well as he had been in previous weeks, or even days. Since the night before, he’d been feeling rather lousy, but figured it was just part of the treatment process, deciding not to make a big deal of it. If he let on that he was feeling under the weather though, he knew Anita would worry, which again, he didn’t want her to do.

“I’m gonna go back to talk with Nick,” Kevin told her, “You’re welcome to come on over.”

“I think I’ll pass,” Anita informed him with a scowl.

Kevin laughed, “Alright then. I’ll see you later,” he stopped looking at her as if studying her over, “Sure you’ll be okay alone for a little bit?”

“I’m nineteen. I can be left alone and entertain myself.”

“Okay then,” he gave her one more hug and a kiss, “I’ll see ya later babe.”

“See ya, sweetie,” Anita replied as she watched him walk out the door.

Once he was gone, she slumped down into the bed. She was glad that he’d cared enough to check on her. She just hoped that Nick wouldn’t take up his every moment. She was already jealous that Nick was there preoccupying Kevin with his time and there was one thing for sure. She wouldn’t be joining the duo any time soon.

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With fluttering eyes, Anita slowly awoke from her unconscious sleeping state. She stretched her arms upward as far as she could without ripping her IV out of her arm, yawning softly. Once her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, she looked over to her bedside at the clock. It was 12:18, but seemed like it should be in the middle of the night. Time was going by at an impossibly slow rate and even the hour and a half that she’d slept had gone by slowly. She missed Kevin, and just thinking of him made her heart ache for him.

Upon thinking of her new boyfriend, Anita sat up straight in her bed, more alert than she’d been in a long while, especially for just waking up. She had a funny feeling that something wasn’t right. She didn’t know why, but for some reason, felt a queasy feeling in her stomach. She figured that it was only because she knew that Kevin hadn’t looked very good for the past couple of days, and it had only seemed to get worse. He’d assured her that he had felt fine though, and she wanted to believe him, but it didn’t stop her from getting out of bed and walking slowly out of her room quietly in the wee hours of the morning to check on him. She walked down the long hallway to where his room was stationed at, knowing that she’d want to visit with him weather she had the unnerving feeling or not. Her heart thudded in her chest the closer she got, worry consuming her body. The feeling kept getting stronger and stronger until she was just outside of his doorway. Taking a deep breath, almost afraid to go in, Anita forced herself too. She was unwantedly welcomed by quietness and an empty, unmade bed. Anita scanned the dark room for any sign of Kevin as she entered. She saw nothing and heard nothing, knowing that she was the only sign of life in the small room. She walked further in to the room anyways though, in hopes to see him somewhere. Nothing. Anita could feel herself starting to panic, her breathing coming out in short, heavy breaths.

“They took him away about an hour ago,” came a voice from behind her. Anita jumped, finding herself face to face with Nick, “Just a little while after he came back from your room.” Nick added, shifting from left foot to right uncomfortably.

Anita continued to stare at him, wondering who ‘they’ were and what Nick was talking about. He wasn’t making much sense, and his lack of details wasn’t helping much. She wanted to stay clear of the blonde, but knew that she’d have to swallow her pride and speak to him, for now anyways, to get any real answers concerning Kevin.

“What do you mean?” she questioned, “Where is Kevin?”

“The doctors...they took him to ICU...isolation ICU or something,” Anita gulped upon hearing this. They only took patients there if they were pretty bad off. This piece of information scared her, “His temperature shot way up...he started sweating, but insisted he was fine...but when he started having trouble breathing...” Nick’s voice trailed off and Anita could hear the slight tremble in it even if he was trying to stay composed, “Anyways, I paged for a doctor on the bed ringer thingy...they took him. Something about an infection.”

Anita froze, unable to think of anything to say. She was speechless in many senses. Getting infections when it came to cancer was about the worst thing that could happen. What troubled her more though was that she could tell from that morning that he wasn’t feeling well, and he had looked terrible. But because of the simple fact that he’d insisted that he was okay, Anita had foolishly let it go. And now, it could be causing him his life. The part about isolation still troubled her too. That Kevin was alone in a completely sterile environment, fighting to shake the infection and reduce his temperature again. Until that happened, there was really nothing more they could do for him. His treatments would be on a temporary halt, causing the risk of whatever he had to spread. Things would only get worse from there, as once cancer started to spread, it was almost too late to do anything about it and have the chance to have it cured.


“Anyways,” Nick stated after nothing was said for a short while, “I thought I’d find you here when you weren’t in your room...and well, thought you should know. I mean, since you’re his girl and all. I know that we didn’t exactly get off on great terms, but...I thought you should know and didn’t know how else you’d find out and stuff.”

He shifted from foot to foot in complete discomfort, almost as if he were shy and squirmish, not able to wait for his chance to break free.

Anita still said nothing. She stood there, her mouth hanging open slightly, still in shock over the news. She heard what Nick was saying, she was comprehending it, even grasping it. She could still think of no words to say though. Her boyfriend was possibly dying, and she’d let the signs slip past her, and now there was nothing she could do but wait and see what fate had in store for him. Nick just stared at her for a long moment, as if waiting for her to speak her thoughts on the matter. He sensed something wasn’t right though when she still said nothing. Cocking his head to one side, he looked at her in curiosity before speaking again, his voice telling her that he was becoming afraid.

“What?” he asked, “It’s a normal part of cancer treatment, right?” Nick questioned, his voice telling her that he was looking for whatever answer would tell him what he wanted to hear, whether it was the truth or not, “I mean, Kevin’s going to be okay, right?”

Anita gulped. She knew what was happening, however Nick didn’t. She looked into his eyes for the first real time and saw fear, and almost felt sorry for him despite the heartless comment he’d spoke her way. She could tell that Nick and Kevin were close friends and that Nick cared for the older man greatly She hated to be the one to tell him the reality of the situation, but knew he deserved to know the truth. Her mouth was still dry, but somehow she managed to speak.

“I don’t know,” she mustered the courage to say, “Complications like this can happen, although in a lot of cases, the patients hit remission without many complications.”

“So, what...” Nick asked, “He’s going to be okay...like, get better and be fine though, right?” he prodded, desperately trying to get a positive answer.

Anita shook her head sadly, tears trickling down her cheeks for the first time. Nick’s naivety was painful to her. She wished that he’d just understand the seriousness of this without all the questions. She wished that he’d just be smart for once. She took in a deep breath, knowing the sooner she answered, the better off they’d all be.

“With infections, it delays things. If...if things are delayed too long, the treatments wont do any good any more. If that happens, the cancer will take over and Kevin will...he’ll die.”

Anita squeezed her eyes shut in hopes to push away the tears. Speaking it aloud made the situation all the more real. It wasn’t working. When she opened her eyes again, what she saw made her wish she’d kept her eyes shut crying silently, for Nick had tears of his own streaking his face. At last, he understood.

Anita stood outside of the small room Kevin was stationed in. She stood up on her toes and pressed her hands and nose against the small glass window that was high up on the doorway. She wanted to get a glimpse of her boyfriend. He lay in the room alone, just as she’d already predicted he would, hence the isolation part. He was hooked up to more machinery than he had before, and she could see that one of them was to help him breathe, which told her the infection had been worse than she’d thought. He looked to be asleep, but for all she knew, he was unconscious from all the infection had taken out of his already weak body. He was pale, ashen pale. He looked worse than he had when she’d been so concerned in the first place.

Letting herself down onto her feet, Anita could no longer see in to the room because of her short stature of being only five feet tall, even. She wished that she could go in, however one needed a pin code or a key to get in to the room. It was so that Authorized Personel could enter only, which counted her out until she was permitted to enter under doctor supervision. This wasn’t fair to Anita, and she sighed. She’d even wear the hideously goofy suit, which she considered a major fashion statement, in to the room to see Kevin, which was to keep all of her ‘bad germs’ out of his way. They had to take every precaution possible to ensure that she would get better.He was very vulnerable at this point. Anything could make him worse.

Looking behind her, Anita saw Nick leaning against a wall, his knees brought up to his chest, him hugging them. He’d fallen sullenly quiet since he’d figured everything out, and hadn’t said a word since his fit of tears. Tears that Anita had never seen fall from any man, and for some reason, it had looked natural. Not stupid like she’d thought it would look for a man to cry. She’d never seen one do it before, but when Nick had, she hadn’t thought anything of it. He was rocking himself back and forth no, his eyes looking straight ahead, right past her, seeming to be in a daze. He reminded Anita of a small child, and in a way, he was still because of his naivety towards some aspects of the world, although she could tell he really wasn’t a dumb person. He just lacked some common sense. And he was learning a lot rather quickly and catching up with the way thinks worked in the last few hours.

Anita sighed again, turning back to Kevin. Being close to him, even if it was on the other side of a door, made her believe that she was somehow helping him survive. That if she left, his heart monitor would go flat line. With that thought in mind, it had made her decision for her several times to stay where she was. She wondered if he could sense her presence through the door. That thought would bring her some piece at mind as well¼him knowing that he had two people who cared a lot about him not more than ten feet from him, the only thing dividing them being a wall and door.

Anita was startled when the silence was suddenly broken by Nick’s soft voice muttering heart-wrenching words that she wished weren’t coming out so clearly. She wished that he’d been murmuring the words to himself that only he knew what he was saying. That wasn’t the case though. Not at all. It was making her cold heart soften towards him more than she would have liked.

“Please be okay Kev,” he muttered, still rocking himself back and forth, “Please don’t die. Please beat this. We all need you...” his voice trailed off before he added softly, “I need you.”

Anita brought a hand to her mouth, clasping it tightly against it to stifle the chocking sob she could feel coming. She kept her back turned to Nick so he wouldn’t see her reaction. He sounded so pathetic and needy. She realized then just how much of a role model Kevin probably was to Nick. How Kevin had more than likely been there for Nick through thick and thin of his adolescence, helping him grow, almost raising him until he’d reached the point of being a young man, and now, an adult. At that moment though, as Anita turned around and looked into his transparent blue eyes, she saw a terrified child in him, making him appear at least a decade younger. Anita could only imagine what she must look like at that moment. More than likely it wasn’t much better than Nick looked.

Nothing more was said. The only sound was their breathing, Nick’s body shaking where he sat. Anita knew that she should be going then, but couldn’t bring herself to leave. She had to be near Kevin, and she knew that Nick felt the same need too. It saddened her to see how harshly Nick had taken the blow as to the seriousness Kevin’s status, but at least he knew the truth instead of not knowing what was going on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Anita awoke slowly, finding herself laying of the floor, her head next to the long legs of someone. She raised her head and looked up, seeing Nick sitting there, tearing the edges off of a Styrofoam cup, letting the pieces fall to the floor as he flicked them from his hand. She lazily sat up, looking around, wondering why she was on the floor in the hallway. Then it all came back to her as her eyes focused on the door with the pin code lock on it. She sighed, slumping down. The noise of her breath took Nick out of his thoughts as he looked over at her.

“Wish I could sleep,” he mentioned, his voice weak and hardly audible, “You’ve been out for a good six hours.”

Anita looked at him and could see dark circles clinging to the underneaths of his eyes. His eyes were squinted shut to slits due to the tiredness that consumed them, and they also appeared to be bloodshot, letting her know he’d probably cried some too. Yet she understood what he meant. For a while, she too, had had a hideous time falling into the slumber she had needed. She hadn’t wanted to, but unwillingly peace became her for a short while, making her know that she must’ve needed it. Letting her know that her body needed the rest for what was probably about to come. She needed her strength, as did Nick, if they were going to be there to support Kevin with all they had.

“I bought you a cup of coffee,” Nick mentioned, pointing to a small cup no more than a foot in front of her. It appeared to be the same size as what had been his cup before it become confetti. Anita’s stomach growled, and her mouth was dry, probably from all of the crying. She picked the cup of, holding it for a second. Something cold would’ve been refreshing right then, however the caffeine was what she needed to get her going. Anita realized that she couldn’t afford to be picky at that moment.

“Thank you,” she softly replied, taking a sip. The liquid was now room temperature, the taste bland, letting her know that the coffee was a few hours old, but she continued to drink it anyways, “Any word on Kevin?” she asked, unable to keep the words from popping out of her mouth. She realized she’d been thinking out loud, but maybe there would be an answer anyways.

“He’s stable,” Nick responded, “He hasn’t woken up yet, but at least he isn’t getting any worse off.” He forced a weak smile that came off looking rather pathetic, “That’s a good sign, right?” He asked, doing it again. Giving her that look of hope. A look that pleaded for a good answer. One that his ears wanted to take in, weather it be the truth or not. Anita wanted to say the best possible thing, because she knew if she said it enough, she too would start to believe it herself. Anita nodded, figuring in all reality that it really was a good sign, truthfully and honestly. Kevin improving would be a great sign. Him becoming worse would be devastating. Him at least staying the same was an all right sign, but close enough to being good. She hoped that there was room for improvement because she honestly didn’t want to live without him. She knew that this was stupid, for they’d only been together for not that long of a time, but she felt they had a connection, despite their rocky start. She felt that if he woke up and hit remission point, they could have something very special between them.

“I never thought something like this would ever happen to Kevin,” Nick said out of nowhere, distracting Anita from her thoughts, “He’s always been so strong and healthy. Always took such good care of himself, bitching at the rest of us to do the same. Then this happens to him. He starts to feel sick all of the time, and gets it checked out. BAM. Cancer. Just like that, and now he is taking a turn for the worse. Of all people, I thought that he’d be safe from such things. I guess this proves that nobody is. That it can happen to anybody at any time at any age.”

“True,” Anita agreed softly, staring blankly in to space, “I used to be a cheerleader. Was elected homecoming queen at my schools formal and prom queen senior year, and now at the age of nineteen, I have leukemia. Life just sucks sometimes.” She laughed bitterly, “Go figure I fall for a guy who’s also got cancer. Way to pick em” her voice trailed off. She looked over and saw the odd look that Nick was giving her, making her realize what she’d just said, adding quickly, “I wouldn’t change any of it for anything¼meeting Kevin. I just wish that one of us was strong at least¼so we could be there for the other. With both of us sick, it is hard to do that. It makes things so much more complicated than they should have to be for any one person.”

Nick understood where she was coming from. Anita still had her own treatments to worry about. Her own health to improve. If she was making herself sick over Kevin, it would delay or possible worsen her own progression. He at least knew that much and it worried him to a point. He was beside himself at the thought of losing Kevin, whom was like an older brother as well as a father figure to him. True, he purposely aggravated the man just to get a rise out of him, but he needed him more than he needed anybody else in the world. He felt that way about the others too, but there was something about Kevin that made him feel safe and like no matter what happened, everything would turn out alright in the end. The thought of Kevin never waking up and being there again was a thought that Nick refused to accept as a possibility.

“He has to get better,” Nick said aloud, “He has to so we can go on like nothing ever happened.” Beings they were keeping everything quiet, Nick didn’t want to think about having to explain to everyone, including the general public, that Kevin Richardson had been in the hospital for cancer all this time and had died. That was the least of his worries though. He just wished that he could see his best friend awake and alert. That would be enough in itself to convince him that things would turn out the way he hoped.

“He will,” Anita stated, convincing even herself for a moment, “He is strong. He’ll get over this infection and go on with treatments and hit remission leaving all of this behind him like none of it ever happened.” Anita gulped though as worry came back to the pit of her stomach. She wished that she could fully believe the words that she’d just spoken, but at least Nick seemed to buy in to them. At least one of them did. Hours later Anita was told that she had to return to her room for the night. She left with hesitation and Nick followed her to her room to spend the night on the couch that lined the wall against the window. Neither wanted to be so far from Kevin, but it was the closet they could be for the night, and for Nick the closest without leaving the hospital completely.

That night, Anita had a nightmare. One in which she’d been at a viewing for a funeral, but something wasn’t right. She was watching from a distance, and Kevin was there right up front. He had tears in his eyes, crying over whoever he was looking at. She gulped as he placed a single flower in to the casket, a red rose. Her favorite flower. She wondered whose funeral was about to take place. Anita had gotten in line at the end , her heart pounding. As Kevin made his way back to his seat in the pews, Anita tried to hug him in comfort, but he ignored her. She was hurt, but moved forward in the line anyways. Thoughts consumed her the whole way up to the open casket. She wondered if she’d met this person in the hospital, or if she knew them at all. Possibly family of Kevin’s? But why had he ignored her? Were they still dating? Many questions continued to swim through her thoughts up until it was her turn in line to see. What she did see was the last thing she’d ever expected. The person laying there in death was none other than herself.

Anita had woken up screaming, breathing heavily after this, panicking until she realized that she was still alive and this had only been a night vision. It had frightened her though and caused her a hard time falling back asleep. She eventually did though and dreamt no more afterwards. The next time she awoke, it was just past noon and by a doctor and Nick both, telling her that it was okay for them to go see Kevin now. She took no time getting out of bed, following them down. This was what she’d been waiting for, assuming that it meant everything was going back in the right direction once again.

**Chapter Ten**

Once Anita and Nick both approached, she stopped to catch her breath. She wasn’t sure if the reason she was short on it in the first place was because of how nervous she was, or if it was because of rushing down back to her beloved boyfriend. She looked over to Nick. He didn’t seem to be in much better shape. She saw worry in his eyes along with something else. Regret? She couldn’t quite tell.

“I forgot to call the Guys to tell them,” he muttered, looking at her with wide blue eyes,

“They’d want to know too. Maybe I should go back and make phone calls...maybe...” He rambled on and on, saying things that Anita did not understand, his words becoming jumbled and running together. It was obvious that he was nervous. Extremely nervous.

“Don’t worry about that now,” Anita told him, trying to keep her voice called despite her own knotted nerves, “Let’s go see Kevin and then you can worry about calling AJ, Brian and Howie to tell them that he...that Kevin....um, he’s having complications.” Anita finally got the bitter word out.


Her heart was pounding in her chest rapidly, still unable to believe that Kevin was in this situation. She wondered how it had happened. She wondered what kind of cancer he even had. She still didn’t know, but somehow it didn’t seem all that important. They were both sick. Nothing could change that but time and medicine. On top of everything else, she was still upset with Nick for insulting her and being cruel. She felt sorry for him though and knew that she couldn’t be cruel to him in spite of everything going on. Nick was obviously distressed. She knew that even she couldn’t make things worse for him with her cruel, sarcastic, smart ass comments.

Nick nodded, closing his eyes as he tried to calm himself down and slow his too accelerated heart rate. The doctor who’d come to get them stood in front of the two still and started to go over a few basic rules. They, of course, would still have to wear the suits that were to keep all the germs out of Kevin’s way. His temperature had gone down, but he still wasn’t close to being out of the woods yet. They had to keep the visit minimal, as he was still extremely weak, for the infection had taken a lot of needed energy out of the man, even though it had only been thirty-six hours since it had happened. He’d awakened for the first time not all that long before they’d been fetched. They were warned that he was groggy from being fed medications mainly and not to take anything he said to heart. After the lecture and dressing up, the two were finally aloud in to see their friend, and what Anita hoped was still going to be her boyfriend.

Once inside of the room everything was completely silent except for a few monitoring machines making light hissing sounds and beeps. Kevin still appeared to be asleep again, making them both wonder simultaneously if they’d come at a bad time. He looked pale and ill, which he technically was. Very ill, in fact. All of this was proof of that, and the severity of it was sinking in quickly. Reality had struck.

“Oh god,” Nick choked as he viewed is friend, “Is he...is he....he looks...dead.” he sputtered, eyeing Kevin wearily as if he were in fact a corpse lying on the bed. The look on his face was next to pathetic.

“I’m...not...dead, Nick.” came a voice from the other side of the room. A low, weak, forced voice that took effort. But at the sound of his voice, Nick and Anita were at his bedside in seconds looking down at him. His eyes were closed still, his mouth contorted into a look of extreme pain and discomfort. He opened his eyes, which were clouded over, for a split second to look up at them before closing them again, “Hi.” he whispered.

Anita could feel tears welling up in her eyes, but swallowed them down. Kevin didn’t need her to be crying. He needed for her, as well as Nick, to be strong for him. So before she said anything, Anita made sure she had her voice under control. That was the most important thing, since because of the mask she was forced in to wearing, he couldn’t see facial expressions. He could only read voices, which he was good at.

“How are you feeling?” Anita asked, surprising even herself with how calm her voice had come out.

Kevin grunted lightly. Speaking would take too much effort. He felt hot and sticky yet cool and clammy all at the same time. It hurt him to breath, it hurt him to speak, it hurt him to move. He was miserable. He felt as if he were dying. When Anita bent down to give him a hug, he winced in pain but slowly and limply put one arm back around her. Everything took extreme amounts of effort.

“I was so worried about you,” Anita told him, her voice trembling slightly despite her desperate attempts not to show any bad emotion around her boyfriend.

“I...I’m sorry,” he managed to get out, “Can’t help...this.”


Anita nodded, giving one long, loud sniffle. She was losing her own battle of emotion. She felt something hot grab her hand and looked down to see Kevin grasping it lightly. He managed to get out a small squeeze without any words. The few words he’d already said had taken his breath away.

“You’re going to be okay, right?” Nick pressed, needing the reassurance straight from Kevin’s mouth himself before he’d believe it.

“Mmm...uh...yeah,” Kevin forced a weak, small and rather unconvincing smile.

Nick smiled nervously, never seeing Kevin so out of it before. He was normally on top of things. The sickness had taken so much out of his friend. He wondered if he’d ever be his normal self again. He’d been wondering this ever since the man had been admitted months before. But now, he was really wondering.

“You should’ve told a doctor when you weren’t looking good....when I mentioned it.” Anita scolded. She couldn’t help it.

Kevin said nothing, his breathing coming out a little harder. Anita could tell that he really hadn’t taken in anything she’d said. He probably hadn’t heard it, which was for the best for the time being. She looked over to Nick, who was shifting from foot to foot not knowing what to do or say. She could relate.

A few minutes later, Kevin’s doctor walked in to the room to tell the two that they’d have to leave Kevin to rest. They said their goodbyes each giving Kevin a small hug. Anita told him that she loved him, and he murmured something back along those lines, although he was already falling back in to an unconscious state. Before they left, Nick asked again if he was going to be okay, desperate for encouragement on what was obviously his roll model. Kevin assured them again before they left that he would be alright. Nick accepted this, too afraid to think anything otherwise, but there something about his tone made it so Anita didn’t believe him. She didn’t believe him at all.

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Three days later, while Anita was sitting in her hospital bed watching The Young and the Restless, she heard some rustling in the doorway. Distracted, she looked over to see none other than Juanita, Madison and Taylor. She rolled her eyes and put her attention back on the television set. They weren’t worth her time. They had some nerve to show up now. They hadn’t in weeks. Not one of them. Taylor had given her a couple of phone calls, he was the only one. But not once had any of them shown up.

“Hi, Anita,” Madison greeted, her voice coming out as if nothing were wrong, “How are things?”

Anita said nothing acting as if she hadn’t heard them, but her body shook from rage underneath the covers of her bed. She tried to hide it though. She didn’t want them to see how mad she was. She wanted to act as if she didn’t care when deep down, she really did care...a lot. They’d deserted her during a time she needed them most. This proved that they really weren’t all that close. They were not the best friends that she’d originally thought. She was losing everything, including Kevin who was still in the Isolation unit.

“Are you mad at us or something?” Juanita asked, sensing the hostile vibes coming from her sick friend.


This did it for Anita. Her head flew around in the direction that the three were standing, which was now feet from her bedside. She glared at them, not able to believe what she was hearing. She knew she couldn’t hide her anger any longer. She just needed to find her voice in able to speak first.

“No, of course not. Why would I be mad at you?” Anita spat out sarcastically when she finally did, “I mean...you visit at first, then a week before the vacation, you quit coming then take off with my money. And hey, this is the first time you’ve visited since. You didn’t even call,” Taylor started to protest, “With the exception of Taylor a couple of times,” she shook her head in disgust, “You all have some nerve.”

She eyed them and could tell that they felt badly. She wondered if it would change anything though. If they did suddenly start to visit more, she knew it would be out of guilt. Not because they truly wanted to. She looked back to the TV. A new show had started. One that she wasn’t the least bit interested in, but pretended that she was in hopes that the three would get the hint and just leave her alone. She saw Nick appear in the doorway out of the corner of her eye, still in disguise. If the others did see him, they wouldn’t recognize him, but he disappeared after a hesitation before they had the chance to. Sure, Anita was still a little hurt by the things he’d said, but had wished he would have stayed just to save her from this uncomfortable, awkward silence from her ‘visitors’.

“What is up your ass, Nita?” Madison asked, “At least we’re hear, unlike Kimberly. We all do have lives, jobs, summer classes.”

Anita snorted. So since she was having chemo treatments for leukemia, she suddenly didn’t fit in to their lives? Ironic. She came last. She certainly didn’t expect to come first, but didn’t think she’d be pushed aside as something in the category of ‘nothing better to do’ either.

“Did your handsome, older man dump you or what?” Juanita asked cruelly, fully intending to hurt their friend with her harsh words.

If looks could kill, Juanita would be dead, buried and burned. But then the look turned to sadness as a couple of tears formed in her eyes. She blinked them away, but not nearly soon enough.

“I take that as a yes.” Juanita muttered.

“No, Kev did not break up with me,” Anita told them, “He’s worse off...he got an infection and is in isolation in hopes that it goes away,” she paused, really wishing she could see him, but he wasn’t allowed any visitors until later on, “If it doesn’t...well, I’d rather not think of that right now. But yes, we are still together.”

She could swear that she saw jealousy and remorse in both girls eyes. They wanted her relationship to fail because they were snobby, stuck up, spoiled brats who no guys would get near with a ten foot poll. She had been just like them once, before she’d entered the hospital, but being there had changed her and brought her back down to earth, where she’d like to stay. Looking in at them from an outsiders point of view, she never wanted to be like that again. It was unattractive and she could see why it was always just the three of them. Nobody was able to stand them.

“What is your problem?” Anita asked her once close friend, “Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone like Kevin likes me? Is it because I am bald? It is because I am young? Is it because I lost my looks? Because Kevin sees through all of that. He likes me for me. He is not like you...superficial and shallow. Maybe if you would just accept people and not look for perfection in everybody, you would find somebody worth your time too.

“Woah, chill out, Anita,” Madison stated, “You
don’t have to be so defensive.”


“You didn’t have to show up,” Anita spat back, “You come here, insult me, and pretend to be my friends, when in reality, you’re not. None of you. Why don’t you just leave. No obligations anymore, kay?”

Nothing was said for a long, excruciating moment. She could tell her temper had struck a nerve in the two girls. Taylor stood there not knowing what to do. He looked genuinely sorry. The girls, on the other hand, did not. They looked outright perturbed and in disbelief that Anita was being this way. As if she had no reason to.

‘We’re going to leave,” Madison stated, her tone snotty, taking Taylor by the hand. Anita eyed then, knowing that they were now more than just friends, “See you later.”

“Don’t bother coming back.” Anita replied with a scowl.

“Cancer’s turned you in to a drag.” Juanita growled, and Madison nodded her head vigorously in agreement. Taylor still said nothing.

“No, it’s made me see things realistically instead of in bitch vision.” Anita shouted

Juanita spun around with attitude and walked out of the room breezily with Madison following, dragging Taylor behind her. Taylor looked behind them and mouthed an “I’m sorry” Anita smiled, telling him it wasn’t his fault, and it really wasn’t. Seconds later, her visitors were gone.

“Life sucks,” Anita muttered, tears finally freeing from her eyes, “Life really plain sucks.”

And to her, it did. Even her once best friends had turned their backs on her. She just hoped that things got better soon, because she didn’t know how much longer she’d be able to live in this real life nightmare that she could take no part in planning out for herself.

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Anita blinked away tears as she checked herself in to her chemotherapy session. She missed having Kevin to sit next to and go through them with. It was becoming too emotional to go in every two days and not see him sitting in the seat next to an empty one. One which was reserved for her. She missed him holding her hand as she squeezed away tears of pain. She missed him more than anything though.

He had now been in isolation for nine days. She had visited him earlier that morning again. He had been asleep though, so she’d only stayed for a moment to see his chest rising and falling, assuring her he hadn’t died overnight. She’d held his hand for a few minutes, wishing that she could kiss him, but couldn’t The mask she was forced to wear restricted even that, so she put her hand to her masked lips, kissing that then placing her hand upon Kevin’s mouth. It was the best she could do.

Reaching what had become her assigned seat, she noticed a stranger in the chair that had been Kevin’s. It was a girl who looked to be in her thirties. Anita automatically put her guard up as she sat down, eyeing the woman as if she were taking over personal territory. She wondered if once Kevin was well again, if he’d take interest in this object that was more his own age. Anita was worried about not being good enough anymore. Mostly, she was worried about not being able to get through the sessions without Kevin next to her, but with a stranger. She’d been okay alone, but it would be weird having someone else taking Kevin’s place.

“Hi,” the girl greeted. There was a slight quaver in her voice. Anita assumed it was her first time. She didn’t intend on being friendly. She felt threatened by her and like she’d have to compete if she got to know the woman.

“Hi,” Anita replied stiffly.


“How long have you been here?”

“Two months.” Anita answered, not even bothering to ask the woman the same thing back. She didn’t care and wasn’t into making conversation.

Taking the hint right away, the woman looked away and back down to her magazine, Anita opening the book she’d brought. The whole time though, Anita’s mind had been on Kevin. It was hard to believe that she’d developed a relationship with her favorite member of her favorite band. She never thought she’d ever even meet them, let alone date one. It was even harder to believe that he was suffering like this. Suffering through cancer and possibly dying of it. Things like this just didn’t happen to rock stars, she’d thought. But indeed, it did. She felt privileged though to be one of the few and only people to know about him. To be able to be there for him and him there for her. If it weren’t for Kevin’s encouragement and pushing, Anita knew she’d never had made it this far. She knew that her attitude would be negative and her progression much slower. She knew that they needed each other, only he would need her more than anything, more than ever as soon as he was let back to the normal cancer floor.

The session didn’t end nearly soon enough that day. Time drug on, and when Anita was freed and helped back up to her room, which was always a given, she’d been all to happy to be able to relax. She was just nestling her head down into her pillow when Nick flew in to the room. She sighed, wondering what he wanted this time when all she wanted to do was sleep. He didn’t give her time to ask though. He spat it out in a frenzy, his eyes wide in panic. Kevin’s temperature had risen again. His health was taking another dive for the worst.

**Chapter Eleven**

“I don’t think I can do this,” Nick stated, looking to Anita for help, and help was what he needed.

Ever since Kevin’s infection had worsened again, Nick knew what he would have to do. He had been procrastinating since Kevin had temporarily gotten a little bit better, but since his temperature had risen, setting him back yet again, Nick knew that it was time to finally call their friends and let them know what had been happening. It wasn’t fair to any of them to be left in the dark. Yet something was stopping him. Fear. He couldn’t bring himself to tell everyone that Kevin’s treatments were on hold and he might not ever get better. That in fact his body could very well just deteriorate until he was no longer among the living.

“Yes, you can,” Anita assured him, placing a comforting hand on his arm, “Besides, they need to know. You’ve all been so close for what, eleven years?” Nick nodded, “Just think how they’d feel if you left them out.”

Nick took a deep breath and opened his cell phone again, starting to dial a number. He quickly closed the flip phone though, tears coming to his eyes that he didn’t even try to stop and hide from her. He pursed his lips together, squeezing his eyes shut to muffle out a loud sob he could feel trying to come.

“I....no, I...I can’t do this.” Nick choked out, causing tears to form in Anita’s own eyes, “It’ll..ma...make it...too...real.”

“But it is real, Nick.” Anita reminded him, knowing that she wasn’t helping the case much, but it was better than being in a state of denial.

“Not if I pretend it isn’t,” Nick argued, not making any sense now, “If I pretend it isn’t happening, then nothing will. He’ll be fine and things will be normal.”

Anita looked at him with one eyebrow cocked up, trying to analyze what he’d just said, but wasn’t making anything useful from it. His talk was nonsense. Weather he believed it or not, Kevin was still in this same situation and their friends still deserved to know what was going on with his health.

“You need to tell them,” Anita told the suffering kid, “I know it isn’t easy, and I would do it if I could, but beings they don’t know me, it would be awkward. They’d want you to be the one to tell them. Someone who is close to them as well as Kevin.”

Nick nodded, mustering up a little bit of courage. It wasn’t much, but enough to give him the strength he needed to follow all the way through with the phone call. It rang three times before it was picked up by the intended person; Brian. When he answered though, Nick froze, unable to speak. Anita could hear the man on the other end repeatedly saying “Hello?”, his tone becoming impatient.

“Nick,” she hissed, wincing at how her voice had come out unintentionally harsh.
Nick snapped out of us daze and looked at Anita nervously. He felt physically sick to his stomach at the thought of revealing the latest news. He’d never been the strongest or most serious, normally being the one to goof around. This wasn’t a job intended for him. This was why, Nick knew, he wasn’t a doctor. He wouldn’t be able to handle delivering bad news on a daily basis.

“Hey Bri,” Nick finally said, trying to keep his voice at least neutral rather than really down or really upbeat.

“That you, Nick?” Brian asked, as he hadn’t heard from the youngest Boy in over a week. He as well as everybody else thought that Nick had gone to visit for a day or two only.

“Yep, it’s me.” Nick replied sullenly, saying no more, for he didn’t have the chance to before his best bud jumped in.

“Where the hell are you?” Brian asked, fury in his voice, “We’ve all been worried sick. You don’t answer your phone...the hospital won’t give us a damned word on Kevin, he never answers the phone in his room...”

Nick’s eyes widened in surprise. Brian was usually the most even tempered and hardly ever said a curse word in his life. With two in one sentence, Nick knew that he’d waited way too long to call and felt guilty immediately. He bowed his head in shame, knowing that they’d all react badly when they heard the reason Nick had finally called after so long.

“Calm down,” Nick stated, forcing himself to go on. He looked at Anita who gave him an encouraging half smile.

There were a few seconds of silence as Nick lost the courage to speak again. Every time he tried to, he couldn’t bring himself to say the devastating words aloud, for he didn’t want the rest of the group to be hurting as much as he was.

“How’s Kevin, anyways?” Brian asked casually. The question was logical enough, beings Kevin was there in the hospital, however it was as if Brian had sensed something being wrong, reading Nick’s mind.

“Umm...uhh...” Nick sputtered. The time had come where he would have to tell the truth. It was the only way, with no way out this time, “He...he got an...infection.” Nick squeezed his eyes shut, “He’s in isolation.”

There were a few more uncomfortable seconds of silence. Nick didn’t know if he’d have to explain to Brian what this meant like he’d had to be explained to, or if the older man already knew and was trying to comprehend it despite his shock. Nick got the answer to his internal questions soon enough.

“We’re on our way. We’ll be there by sometime tonight.” Brian rushed, his voice full of urgency.

“No,” Nick came quick, “It’ll draw too much attention if all five of us are here, “It’s safer if it is just one of us if we want to keep it all secret.”

“It’s my cousin,” Brian argued, “I don’t give a damn. We’ll be in disguise. It’ll be fine. We all care and want to be there for him. We won’t ruin Kevin’s secret. See you in a little bit.”

Nick didn’t have the chance to protest, for he’d
already been hung up on. He hoped that everything was okay, for Kevin’s sake. Kevin absolutely did not want word on his cancer leaking out to any outside source. He hoped that if they were all there, his wish would still be granted. All Nick wanted was what was in the best interest for Kevin. He knew that everybody cared, but wasn’t so sure having five people hounding over him would exactly help. Besides that, he wasn’t even sure that the doctors would let everybody in, as they’d had a hard enough time convincing him to let Anita and himself go in to see Kevin. He’d later found out that the only reason he had finally given in was because Kevin had been asking for them.

“So?” Anita questioned as Nick flipped shut his cell phone, “What did they say?”

“They’re coming,” Nick informed her, “They insisted to come and see Kevin…all at once.”

Anita’s eyes widened in mock horror as she clasped her hands over her mouth in shock. Nick could tell that she was just thinking up something sarcastic to say. It was a matter of seconds before she did. Nick was right.

“No way. He’s only in serious condition. Why on earth would they want to come and see him?”
Nick chuckled, seeing her point. Sometimes even he himself knew that he was clueless and didn’t think things through fully. Anita was laughing slightly as well, almost forgetting being sad and scared.

“Just promise me one thing?” Anita asked, a half smile on her face, realizing she’d likely get to meet the rest of the Backstreet Boys within a couple of days. Nick looked at her to continue, “Promise me they have more common sense than you to comment on my looks.”

Nick laughed not even taking offense to it, “I promise.”

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Just as they’d said, the other three members of the Backstreet Boys arrived that very night just past eight. They’d called upon arriving at the airport, asking Nick where they could find him in the small hospital. Nick gave them directions as best he could from the airport all the way to where Kevin’s room had been, hoping that they wouldn’t run in to any problems. He was so beside himself with fear that he wasn’t so sure about what he’d even told them.

When they did get there, they were all immediately asking where Kevin could be found without saying anything else first, worried sick beyond belief. Nick didn’t blame them one bit and could see the apprehension in their eyes, wondering if his own held the same look.

When they had arrived, the only news that Nick could deliver was that Kevin’s temperature had risen a little bit more and was now at one-hundred and seven degrees. His condition was becoming more serious, and if the temperature rose much more, it was likely that Kevin would not survive the infection. Cancer would have won before he even got the chance to get better and fight it again with all he had in him. Nick and Anita both prayed every second that they got that it wouldn’t come to that. Things were definitely tense, and they now had three more people to add to their party.

Since Kevin was so bad off, the doctor would only let Brian in to see him since he was blood related. Not even Nick or Anita could go in any longer because his risk of Kevin getting even sicker despite the special outfits. Visitors were limited strictly to family. The rest of them would have to wait until his temperature fell a little bit before being allowed in. While they were waiting on Brian though, the other four sat outside in silence, staring off in to space. Nobody was really sure of what to say, for nothing really seemed to be appropriate. Howie was the first to make an attempt to finally break the uncomfortable quietness.

“So, um, you’re Anita, huh?” he asked lamely.

Anita nodded as she continued to hug her knees. She hadn’t really been formally introduced to them due to all of the excitement earlier. She’d just tagged along behind everybody knowing that she belonged near Kevin just as much as they did. She was, after all, his girlfriend. What she didn’t understand was how they knew who she was without anybody saying her name or speaking of her.

“Thought so,” Howie smiled warmly, or gave the best smile he could despite the circumstances, “Kevin’s talked a lot about you. He just adores you. He was right too, you are beautiful.”

Anita blushed and smiled faintly. She wasn’t sure what to say and sure as hell didn’t know how he’d think that she was beautiful, or Kevin either for that matter. She knew though that he wouldn’t have said anything if he didn’t mean it though and was glad that he somehow saw through her outside image, just like Kevin had. God, she hoped that she would have the chance to be with Kevin again. .

“Glad to see you finally came around and gave him a chance,” AJ added, “He told us that you didn’t get off to a good start and was dying to get to know you better and that he’d been a real dick head towards you at first. I swear, the boy was love sick for you and still is. When you finally started speaking to him, I could tell just by talking on the phone with him that he was happier than he’d been in weeks. Since his diagnosis.”

Anita’s eyes widened significantly, “Did he tell you everything?” she asked softly in question, slightly surprised that she’d obviously had some sort of powerful effect on the older man.

“Pretty much,” Howie commented, but there was something in his eyes that made Anita get the feeling that there was something he wasn’t saying. She shook the feeling away though, figuring that all the drama was just making her paranoid and seeing things. Either that, she was sleep deprived and having hallucinations.

Nobody said anything more for a long while. Anita personally felt guilty for speaking and actually smiling a little when Kevin was in another room just feet from them suffering. She could tell that the others felt the same just by reading the looks on their faces. Anita wondered how he was doing. If he was worse or better. If he was sleeping or awake and speaking to Brian.

“I can’t believe they won’t let the rest of us in to see him,” A.J. grumbled out of nowhere, catching everybody’s attention, “We’ve all been pretty much like family for twelve years. Who cares if it isn’t blood-related? We’ve all been together through it all for a large portion of our lives. It’s bull shit.”

“Agreed,” Howie stated with a long sigh, “But I guess just being here is going to have to be good enough for now.”

“You don’t wanna see him,” Nick told them shaking his head, “Trust me…you don’t want to see him like this.”

He got several odd stares. None of them knew quite what Nick meant, for they didn’t care how Kevin looked. They were there for him no matter what. What they didn’t know was how much Nick looked up to the man he loved to irritate and Kevin looking so helpless and pathetic had scared him. He knew he’d have the brutal images in his mind for life.

Not too long after, Brian came out of the room. He looked tired and as if he’d aged five years in the past half hour. He ran a hand through his sandy curls, shaking his head sadly. His face said it all. Things were a lot worse than what they’d all imagined and brought themselves to believe. Neither Brian, Howie nor AJ had prepared themselves nearly enough and the remaining two had a feeling that they were in for a shock. Brian didn’t say anything of what Kevin and him had talked about. All he’d said was that their friend hadn’t said much and was flushed and pale.

Brian, Howie, AJ an Nick all got a hotel room nearby that night. Anita was left alone again for the night for the first time in weeks. She had a hard time falling asleep that night, afraid that if she did, bad things would happen. She longed to be near Kevin and for him to be well and on his way to recovery again, but didn’t know when or if that would ever happen. A silent tear slid down her check because with the way things were lately, it definitely looked like an ‘if’.

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Taking a deep, nervous breath, Anita made sure her special outfit was on correctly before entering isolation. It was only two days later and Kevin, she’d been told by his doctor, had been asking for her constantly and calling her name out in his sleep. The doctor had finally given in, getting her to come down while all of the others were still in the hotel. She didn’t have much time before everyone returned to the hospital, which she needed to be out by then to avoid a lot of confrontation and anger towards the doctor by the others, doctors order.

The door closed behind her as she walked in. The room smelled more strongly of medicine than usual and seemed more eerie, although it may have been just her imagination. The hissing and beeping of machines still persisted, but other than that, there was no other noise in the room. Anita neared Kevin’s bedside, looking down at him a she took his hand in hers gently, rubbing her fingers lightly across his hand.

“Was….hoping you’d…come.” His voice came out of nowhere.

“Fought my hardest to,” Anita stated, then tried to make a joke by saying, “Although that stubborn old doctor wouldn’t let me in until you started asking for me. Ya should’ve asked sooner.”

She didn’t get the laugh she’d hoped for, but figured it was probably because it took too much effort and hurt him too much to laugh. His eyes remained closed making it impossible for Anita to know if he fell asleep or was just resting. She observed him then, seeing that his looks were in deed worsening along with his health. His eyes were sunken in, his whole face screaming out in pain. His body was withering away, for he’d already lost significant weight. He was as white as a sheet and as Brian ha said, flushed and glistening with sweat from his risen temperature despite the cool temperature of the room.

“I want you… to promise me… something, Anita,” Kevin’s voice came out weak and barely audible, breaking her thought. Anita looked at his face. His eyes were now open, although they were a dull grey color rather than the beautiful green she’d once known them to be, “Promise me when… I die, you… won’t… forget me.”

Anita’s breath caught in her throat as he said these earth-shattering words. She shook her head violently, refusing to take in what he was saying. She didn’t believe that this was the end for him.

“I…already told…Brian to…keep in touch with…you.” He coughed, telling Anita he was using too much energy by talking.

“Stop talking like that,” Anita sobbed, “You’re not going to die. You’re going to be better.”

Kevin ignored her pleas, going on to say what he’d intended, “I wanted to…see you…one last time.” he coughed pathetically some more, “Have…no more…strength to…go on. I’ve lost the…fight in me. It won...cancer beat me.”

“No,” Anita refused to believe what he was saying, “It didn’t. Not yet. Don’t give up yet. Please. I love you.”

Nothing was said for a moment as Anita clung to Kevin tightly not realizing the pain she was causing by her grasp. He was too weak to say anything though and too weak to fight any longer for his life. Breathing took so much effort. A task that came naturally to most wore him out and caused his body to ache in extreme pain. He could feel a drastic change in himself the past few days and had a feeling it was just his time.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I love…you.”

Seconds later Kevin’s eyes shut as he fell limp. Anita would have sworn he’d lost his battle right then if it hadn’t been for the ever so slow rise and fall of his chest. He’d just worn himself into a deep sleep. His fight wasn’t over yet, but his talking had scared her and made her wonder if there really was any fight left in him after all. Only time would tell.

**Chapter Twelve**

Three more days had passed along with Kevin still not improving. All four Boys were still there, staying at the hospital from ten in the morning until ten at night. Nothing had changed though and since the last time Anita had spoken to him, he barely woke up for long enough to carry on half of a conversation. He was definitely in grave condition and not even the doctors were staying positive any longer. Kevin Richardson, the oldest member of the Backstreet Boys, was slowly dying. There was nothing anybody could do to stop it from happening except for some sort of miracle by God. Kevin’s life was in his hands now more than ever. Nothing anybody did and no amount of care could bring him back unless he was truly supposed to stay on Earth.

“I can’t believe none of us came until now,” A.J. muttered in monotone, “All this time…and we could have been with him before this happened.”

“We didn’t know it would though…” Howie stated, his voice trailing off in obviously extreme sadness.

“If he does die though…we should have come sooner. I’ll feel so damned guilty.” A.J. argued, wishing he could kick himself, “I already feel so guilty.”

Brian sniffed, trying to keep himself in control, but he was losing the struggle along with everybody else. It was definitely an emotional time. It said something in itself that the doctor had let everybody in for a quick visit to Kevin for a few minutes. The only way they let those other than family in was if it would likely be one of the last chances they saw that person alive. Kevin hadn’t even stirred in his sleep during their presence.

“There’s still a chance…” Nick’s voice trailed off. He wasn’t willing to accept the fact that in a few more days, there may not be a Kevin there for him to depend on. Sure, the others were great, but Kevin was his safety. He needed him, for he always had all of the right answers and helped Nick through his toughest times. He’d helped Nick to grow up and become the man he was now. He’d pretty much raised him, to say the least, during his growing years on tour.

Nobody said anything, for not even they had any positively left in them for their dear friend after seeing him last. Brian was beside himself in grief for Kevin was his older cousin. He was more than just a friend and band mate. He was blood. He was family. He’d known him his entire life and now he was being taken away slowly and tortuously. He found it unfair that he’d had his own condition for as long as he could remember and escaped death not so many years ago but Kevin had developed his own less than one year ago and that was the end of it without so much as a warning.

“What did…um, does he have, anyways?” Anita asked out of nowhere, the curiosity getting the better of her. She wanted to know and felt she had the right to know what treacherous disease was taking her Kevin away from her after such a short time of knowing him.

She got several blank, confused stares with no answer for quite some time making her feel as if she’d picked a bad time to ask or mention it. She looked down, embarrassed by her sudden inquisitiveness. But then suddenly someone did answer, making her realize the real meaning behind their silence.

“Didn’t Kev ever tell you?” Brian asked softly. Anita shook her head, interested in learning a significant part about Kevin she’d never known. Brian sighed, but it wasn’t out of irritation. It was more out of pain and trying to find the strength to say the hard words that had taken them all so long to accept. The others had looks of sorrow and hurt etched onto their features by another realistic reminder, “He has Osteosarcoma.”

Anita scrunched up her nose. She knew that Osteo had something to do with the bones, but what it had in relation to Kevin’s disease she had no clue. She thought for a moment trying to come up with something logical but being she wasn’t a doctor or nurse, she didn’t know what it was.

“Is it like, a serious form of Osteoporosis or something?” she asked, feeling like an idiot as soon as he said the words. Osteoporosis was from lack of calcium. It wouldn’t cause cancer.

Brian shook is head sadly, totally bypassing her comment, “No. It is a type of bone cancer. Malignant cells are found on the bones. It started out with pain and swelling in his legs, but he let it go thinking it was from working out too hard. But it continued to get worse…and started in his left arm. So, um, he went to the doctor, and the rest is already known. He was lucky. In most cases, if it gets out of hand, it spreads to ones lungs I guess.” Brian laughed bitterly, “Like it really makes a difference now though. It spread anyways.”

Anita’s eyes widened. It sounded like a much more serious cancer than her own, as well as more painful. She wished that for his sake he would have seeked medical help sooner, as she knew from the sounds of it the cancer had spread to other parts of his body because of him thinking it was nothing. It was no wonder he was in such bad condition. She swallowed, hating to admit it, but his chances really were pretty slim due to the facts against him that she’d just learned.

“So chemotherapy is the only way to try to kill it off?” Anita asked, completely oblivious to treatments for this form of cancer, as she’d never heard of it. She had growing interest though. She cared for Kevin greatly and wanted to be more educated with it.

Again, Brian shook his head, “Surgery. They do surgery to remove the tumors off of the bones if they can. If they can’t, amputations are highly likely to make sure they do remove all of the cancer cells. Before the doctors amputated though, the decided to try to kill the rest of the cancer cells with the chemo…beings it was Kevin’s wish, since he is a performer and refused the normal procedure.”

Anita blanked for several moments. The word amputations had made her stomach churn. That wouldn’t affect her feelings for Kevin in the least, however it proved just how nasty what he had was. Many things were against him. For one, he’d let it spread. Two, he refused to let them do what they needed to get all of the cancer out, for obviously the chemotherapy wasn’t designed to do everything with his form. And three, he now had this infection that was setting him back and now costing him his life. Anita hoped that if he ever did get well, he would just let them take whatever limbs they needed from him to make sure that the cancer would likely never return to him. Some tears formed in her eyes…tears that would refuse to come due to all of the crying she had faced in days prior. It was no wonder Kevin hadn’t told her himself. It was devastating and heart-wrenching. He probably wanted to deny it all because of everything he’d gone through already before her arrival and his chemo treatments.

Anita felt a pair of strong arms going around her to try to comfort her. All of the information she’d heard was a little much at once and he understood that it was hard to grasp all at once, as he and the other had had the same problem. She looked sideways and saw that it was Brian. She put her arms around him in return, and soon, the five of them were in a group hug. They would all need each other if they were going to stay sane during the remainder of this nightmare. They were all going to stick together, staying strong for one another and for Kevin until what appeared to be nearly the end.

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“You doing okay?”

Anita looked up to see Brian standing in her doorway. She must have blanked, for she was sitting in her dark room alone with no signs that she’d been occupied with anything. Anita started to nod, but changed her mind and started to shake her head. She needed to be truthful to herself as well as everyone else.

“Can I come in?”

Anita nodded to this, “Where are the others?” she asked him softly.

“Back at the hotel. I wanted to stay a little longer with Kevin though.” He shrugged, “I can’t seem to leave.”

Anita nodded, understanding what he meant. As Brian pulled a chair up to her bed to sit down, she stated, “You can turn a light on if you like.”

“Naw,” Brian drawled, “The darkness sort of seems to fit the mood.”

Anita couldn’t agree more. The bright light of her hospital room would seem unfitting to how she felt. Neither said anything for a couple of minutes, and Anita wondered what the point of the visit was anyways. Maybe he was just lonely, like her? In need of a companion…somebody to talk to.

“So, um, are you okay?” Anita asked him lamely in a desperate attempt to break the silence.

“I don’t know,” Brian admitted, “I’m trying to think that if it wasn’t Kevin’s time, he wouldn’t be going through this. It’s still extremely hard though.” He paused, “How are you since you found out everything though?”

“It was definitely a blow,” Anita replied, “I wasn’t expecting it, yet it makes me want to love him more. That doesn’t really make much sense, but it is definitely how I feel…” her voice trailed off.

There were a few more minutes of peaceful silence. Anita felt awkward for some reason with Brian being there. She wasn’t sure why, but she just did. It wasn’t a safety issue, for she knew that he wasn’t the type who’d try to hurt her in any way. Anita figured that it was probably due to the fact that neither knew what to say. Neither wanted to upset the other in any way, therefore were choosing their few words carefully.

“His girlfriend back in Florida couldn’t deal with it…” Brian’s voice trailed off when he saw the look of extreme jealousy flash through the girls eyes, deciding to drop the subject and change it to a new one, “I can’t believe this his happening to someone like Kevin,” Brian stated out of nowhere, “Nobody deserves it, but especially not him. He’s always been so kind and good hearted. It seems bad things always happen to the best though.”

“You know, Nick said something along those lines not so long ago,” Anita recalled, “You both prove an amazingly good point.” She sighed, “I keep trying so hard not to be sad and think optimistically, but it just doesn’t seem to work. I don’t want to face the truth yet, but I know that I probably have to.”

“It’s okay to be said…we all are.” Brian assured her grimly as a tear trickled down his cheek, “It’s reality though…so I suppose we all need to face it.”

Anita nodded, “I’m really sorry for all of you…since you’ve all been so close for so long. And since he is your cousin…. It sucks for me because he’s the only guy I’ve ever truly fallen in love with…and seemed to love me back. I’ll never find someone I am so compatible with ever again.” She sighed as she choked back tears of emotion. She was beginning to see that Brian’s words from earlier that day held true…they would all need to be there for each other, as things seemed to just get harder as good memories from everyone started to flood back.

**Chapter Thirteen**

Anita stared longingly out of her hospital rooms window. A hard rain was falling, the sky a gloomy grey. Branches of the trees below were whipping around in the strong wind, their leaves occasionally falling to the sopping wet ground below them. Another week had passed and Kevin’s condition still hadn’t improved. If anything, he was worse off than ever. He was almost always asleep, awakening for no more than an hour a day total. If he was coincidentally awake while he had visitors, he didn’t have enough energy to speak. He would just stare through squinted, green eyes for a few minutes, his breaths delayed and raspy before losing his battle to stay awake, falling back into another deep sleep until who knew when. The way he stared was eerie, as if he was lost, unaware of who he was, who they were or where he was. It was almost as if he wasn’t there at all, Kevin leaving the body behind completely.

The Boys had pretty much moved in to the hospital to be there for their friend until what was seeming to be the end. Things had gotten so bad, in fact, that they’d taken Kevin’s doctors advice and had already started to make minor funeral arrangements, not thinking that Kevin would live to see the next week They still hadn’t however, made an announcement to the public, feeling it would be best to wait until everything was over. It would be easiest that way to keep the frenzy and panic down that they knew would come.

Their visits were still limited, however the time span had been increased because his condition was so discouraging and it was felt that there really was no need any longer to keep them away due to health reasons to him, for Kevin was not going to get better.

A tear fell down Anita’s cheek to start off, followed by a rain fall of others matching the rain just outside the window. The one time she saw Kevin with him telling her that he simply couldn’t go on any longer had pretty much been the last time she’d spoken to him. After that, things had gone downhill even further day after day. His pulse went from dangerously high to unsafe lows from the infection, his breathing raspy and forced, delayed and even stopping for seconds at a time all together. Things were not looking to be encouraging.


Days were filled with many fallen tears and a lot of sleep to block out the depressing events all together. Even when asleep though, all had nightmarish dreams of what was happening. No matter what, they couldn’t escape what was happening. That was the hardest part of all because for one single moment, forgetting would relieve more stress than any of them could even ever begin to imagine. That alleviated tension would not be known though, for forgetting was impossible for all of them. This was something they’d all have to deal with and go through together, being there for one another as best they could until the end. That would be hard, but it had to be done. They’d all given up on being strong for one another, but they could be, if nothing else, just there when one of the others needed a crying shoulder to lean on.

Anita never knew that this kind of emotional pain was possible, nor had she imagined it could be. The raw feeling inside of her stung like the salty water of the Atlantic on a fresh, open wound. Her heart felt heavy and as if a hole had been shot through it dead in the center. She felt as if she’d been put through war, and her body was weakly fighting to repair itself from the blows, but just wasn’t recovering. Anita felt as if she were slowly dying too, and as silly as it sounded, she sort of wished that she was, for she didn’t want to live without Kevin there with her. She’d only known him for a couple of short months, but felt as if she had for an entire lifetime.

To make things worse, Anita had found out the day before that her chemotherapy treatments weren’t helping her. She wasn’t worsening, however her counts were still way off of where they should be. This news scared Anita, wondering what they would do now for her. The doctors told her that they would be trying out a different drug on her, a stronger one. All in all, she was pretty much starting back from square one, only this time, there would be nobody there to talk to her in a soft, comforting voice while holding her hand, telling her that everything was going to be okay. They were going to start the new treatment in five days to give the old round time to go through her system. She had to wonder if the reason the drugs weren’t working was because she’d been up and around, visiting with Kevin. If that was the case, she didn’t care because she couldn’t just sit back and wait and wonder.

As much as Anita hated to admit it, she missed Juanita, Madison and Kimberly too...and even Taylor, who hadn’t kept his word on visiting or calling either. At least the others hadn’t promised her anything. Taylor had, which almost made it worse with that part of the situation. She had a feeling that her lovely, backstabbing ‘friend’, Madison, had something to do with that. She growled in anger at the thought of the betrayal she’d been put through. What kind of friend dated your ex, anyways? Either way, she wished that they were there so she’d at least have some form of human contact. Something familiar. It hurt her that they’d pretty much forgotten all about her existence since she’d become sick. It made her wonder if the group she’d thought to be so tight wasn’t anything more than acquaintances...people who spoke and hung out, but didn’t really mean anything to one another. The thought of that sucked, for she’d spent most of her life with those people.

“This isn’t fair!” she cried out in frustration, wishing that there was something she could do to make both her and Kevin better. Or maybe it was their fate to come together and die together. She had a feeling that she would never know.

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“Any new word on Kev?”

Brian had just come from the doctors personal office, inquiring about their friend for the second time that day. The rest of the gang had had to stay behind yet again, counting on being told second-hand what was happening. Brian was their only life-line for that, because he was the only one related through ‘real’ family. The others were left in the dark suddenly, their closeness to Kevin not meaning a thing. They knew that they were all family as well, but the thing that separated them from Brian and Kevin was blood, which was enough to make the doctors decision that they couldn’t be let in on his information. As infuriating as it was, they couldn’t do a thing about it.

“No, Anita,” he replied to the anxious girl, “Nothing new this time. He’s staying stable for now.”

The faces of everyone fell. As nearly impossible as it was, they’d all been holding on to the slight promise that Kevin would be the slightest bit better, his deteriorating health doing a turn around for good. But as much as they’d been expecting the still bad news, it had still nonetheless come as a large blow to them. This proved true that they could never be too prepared for anything to happen.

“That’s good, at least, dontcha think” Nick offered hopefully after a long silence, “I mean...he’s the same. He hasn’t de-proved any more like he has been for the past weeks every single day.” his gaze held on each member in the group for a few seconds each as if trying to read in to their thoughts.

“I don’t know, Nick,” Howie stated, seeing that Nick was waiting for a verbal response, “None of us do. He may just stay like this until...”

“He’s gone.” Brian finished off sullenly, wishing he could cry just a few simple tears more. He’d cried so much though that no matter how much he tried, nothing more would come. He was dry.

“But it could be a good sign, right?” Nick pressed again, just wanting to hear what he wanted, not necessarily the truth.

Nobody really said anything more. As much as they wanted to see Nick’s point as valid, they just couldn’t. There really wasn’t any way Kevin could get any more unsound. Not unless he died all together. But on the other hand, the fact that he was still alive and holding on was good enough for them. It still gave hope.

“As much as it kills me to say this,” AJ said softly, “He’s obviously suffering...greatly. I mean, he’s in pain, right?” he got several nods, all already knowing where AJ was going with this one, “It would be better off for him if he would just...pass on.” he choked on the last of the words, “He wouldn’t be suffering and hurting any longer.”a tear slid down his cheek, feeling like the biggest asshole saying that, when Kevin had been the one there for him most when he’d had his own ordeal. It would be selfish of them though to want to keep their friend alive just for the sake of him living. It would be selfish of them to want him so suffer just to have him there when he could be in a better place, a place of comfort.

“Maybe that’s true,” Brian drawled, “But they can’t just kill him...well, they could, but he would have to want that assisted suicide crap, and he can’t exactly make that choice for himself either...and he isn’t on life support or anything, so they can’t just pull the plug and end everything there..” he sighed a deep, troubled sigh, “I’d like to think that just possibly God is keeping him alive for a reason.”


Even as Brian said this though, he didn’t look so convinced himself of his own encouraging words. The others weren’t even positive that Brian’s attempt to be affirmative held true. None of them believed it for a second. They knew what they’d seen with their very own eyes, and that in itself was negative.

**Chapter Fourteen**

“Anita!” a voice called out, “Anita, wake up!”

Anita groaned as she slowly came out of her slumber from the loud, excited voice. She then felt a pair of strong, eager hands shaking her awake as her head hit the pillow repeatedly as if she were being beaten violently.

“I’m up now, moron.” her muffled voice chimed out, and the person dropped her. Her head hit the mattress with a THUNK. Sitting, she rubbed her now sore skull, squinting up at the man before her. It was none other than Nick. She sighed, looking at him in annoyance, “Was that really necessary?” she asked, “Waking me up...I need my beauty rest.” Nick just stared at her smiling from ear to ear, “Okay, what do you want?”

Nick continued to smile, hopping up and down in excitement. Anita couldn’t help but start to smile at his intense energy. He looked as if he wanted to spill his obviously good news, but couldn’t find time to say it or how to. Anita’s smile fell as she just gave Nick an expectant, impatient look.

“Kev’sreturningtohisroom!.” Nick exclaimed in one breath, his words coming out jumbled and running together.

“Excuse me?” Anita asked, not quite hearing or understanding him, “Could you please repeat that.”

“Kevin...is...better.” Nick gasped, his energy taking the breath out of him, “He’s going back....to...his....room.”

Anita was baffled. It had been nearly eight weeks since she’d spoken to Kevin in is worst state, telling her he was going to die. She had believed him. It had been six weeks since he’d stopped speaking all together. His case had seemed hopeless. But by some miracle, just out of nowhere, he’d slowly started to improve. It hadn’t been much, but enough for the doctors to take notice. His temperature had started to drop by a few points each day. All had been too afraid to think of it as a good sign though, for Kevin’s situation deemed to be unfeasible. It was very possible that Kevin’s minor improvement was nothing more than false hope. But his improvement slowly continued each day, making it seem entirely possible that their beloved friend was going to really, truly be okay this time. In the grimmest situation, Kevin had pulled through and fought his hardest for life even though death was right at the foot of his bed. It seemed he was now ready to continue on with his chemo treatments in hopes to hit remission point once and for all.


Their visits with him had been kept minimal and for awhile after they’d been increased three and a half weeks before. The yo-yo-ing of the visits was driving them crazy, for the rules of how long they could stay seemed to change bi-weekly. The reason this time being Kevin was so weak he no longer awoke at all nor responded to their presence, making it feel real that he was really going to die of Osteosarcoma. But slowly again, he’d started to become alert and talk little by little, staying awake a tiny bit longer each time. He was still negative at first, but it was obvious that he was gaining the slightest bit of strength back, and his words of depression slowly faded away and had no longer been spoken. But this news being delivered from Nick definitely hadn’t been expected. Not at all.

“Are you sure?” Anita breathed.

Nick nodded his head vigorously, causing a small, unsure smile to form on Anita’s lips. She breathed a sigh of relief. He’d been in isolation for over two months in a continued down spiral deterioration of his health, but he was okay now...okay enough to return to his room, just a few doors down from her own.

“He’s improved enough...he’s going to be okay!” Nick cried out, “He beat the infection ... completely. He’s out of the woods!”

“Does everyone else know?” Anita asked, wondering if AJ, Howie and Brian had been informed yet.”

Nick nodded, “Yes. They’re literally crying from happiness. They’re with him right now.” Nick gave a sigh of relief, “I swear, this is one of the happiest days of my life.” And it showed too. In all the time she’d been a fan of the Boys, she’d never seen Nick quite this happy before, and she didn’t blame him, for her feelings were well matched.

Anita smiled, glad that things looked to be getting back to normal. She was slightly jealous though that the Boys were getting first dibs on seeing Kevin before she’d even known about it. She wished that she would have been woken up sooner to be told and was able to see Kevin before all. Anita then realized though that the group was close knit and had known each other for a hell of a lot longer than she had known Kevin. It was only fair that it was the way things had turned out, so she tried to wash away the feelings of raging jealousy

“We’ll, I’m gonna go back and visit some more with the others.” Nick informed her, “Just thought you should know...deserved to know. They’re all leaving in a day or so....I probably will be going with them.” he paused, “But yeah, so, um, I’ll come get you when the others are done, kay?”

Anita nodded, “Thank you.” she softly replied, realizing the Boys probably were needing some time alone with their close friend and ‘brother’. Her time would come, and if Kevin was as excited to see her as she was to see him, that time would be soon. He wouldn’t keep her waiting long. They had a happy reunion waiting for them. That much she was sure of.

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Walking slowly as well as nervously in to Kevin’s old hospital room, Anita stopped, afraid of what she would find. She hadn’t seen Kevin in that room in over fifty days. It would seem almost unusual. She’d been warned already that although he wasn’t at risk for much of anything anymore, and the infection was in fact passed, he’d still be slightly dazed and groggy and to be patient with the man. He’d been through a lot and although he’d recovered almost fully, there was still a little ways to go. Anita smiled though. He was going to be okay. That was all that mattered to her. Her only worry though was that since he’d gone so long without the chemotherapy, possibly the cancer had spread and now he’d have no hope of hitting remission. She hoped that it wasn’t the case, but it was always a huge possibility.

“Hey there,”


Anita jumped, startled by the voice. She saw Kevin looking over at her, his head tilted sideways slightly with a weak smile on his face. She realized that she had zoned out in to her own little world of thoughts, forgetting for just a moment where she was. When she saw Kevin though, sitting there right before her eyes in a normal room, everything came back to reality fast, and she found herself in a light jog making her way over to him. Before she knew it, Anita’s arms were wrapped tightly around Kevin.

With a little laugh, Kevin hugged Anita back with one arm, giving her a light kiss on the side of her neck. This sent shivers up Anita’s spine and up and down her arms as a grin formed on her lips. This was all real.

“You’re here,” she whispered out in sheer disbelief, as if this whole thing had been nothing more than a dream, but touching him was proof that it wasn’t, “You’re really here...you’re okay.” It had been what she hoped for every day for months. Her only wish had come true, and now she was literally
speechless.

With a light laugh, Kevin ran his fingers gently over Anita’s bald scalp where her hair would have been. It felt so good to have somebody who was there for him, so overjoyed to see him alive and doing well. He was lucky to have four friend just the same. Kevin definitely considered himself to be very blessed, for he had so much going for him in his life now and so many people standing behind him to support him.

“I’m fine, hon.” Kevin said softly, pausing for a second, “I’m fine now.”

For most of the time Kevin had been in isolation, he couldn’t remember any of it, startled when he’d been wheeled up to his room to find he’d missed two and a half months of his life to being in and out of consciousness. All he knew was that he’d felt like nothing he ever had before, nor could he explain. It had been awful, and was glad that he’d obviously been asleep for most of it. But even then, he couldn’t escape the immense torment he’d felt.

Once the mini-reunion was over, and things had calmed down, Anita got her first real look at her boyfriend. He appeared on the outside to be about normal, except for still being slightly pale, but much of his color had come back over the weeks. He was still extremely thin from all the weight he’d lost, losing a lot of muscle mass that he’d worked for all his life, however he was still attractive. Anita didn’t know why him being there, back in his own room again, surprised her so much, but it did. She’d seen his slow improvement over the weeks with her own eyes, witnessing him getting better and returning to, well, as normal as he could get under the circumstances. Yet it still seemed unreal that he was actually back, and hopefully for good this time.

“What?” Kevin asked her with a small laugh, seeing the way she was looking at him with her big, dark eyes, almost as if she were examining him,

“I’m just so happy you’re back....and okay...and everything...” Anita replied, stroking his face with her hand. She was so afraid that he would evaporate in to thin air if she took her eyes off of him. Worse yet, she was afraid she would wake up, and this all be a dream, Kevin still being in isolation to try his hardest to fight the nasty infection. It was real though, and that made everything all the better.

Kevin stared at his hospital-made girlfriend, wondering how he’d gotten so lucky as to have found her. Sure, he’d made her enemy list in the beginning, but now, they were as close as ever. He got the feeling that Anita would even die for him, which was saying a lot.

“Enough about me,” Kevin said finally, “How’re you doing?”


Anita hesitated, cringing slightly. She hadn’t told Kevin once about her own failing condition for fear that it would cause him to stress and worry, putting his own slow recovery on halt. He didn’t need that in his life, so she just didn’t clue him in, thinking it was for the best. With the new chemo drugs, she still wasn’t improving, however she wasn’t worsening either. The doctor wanted to give it a couple more weeks before searching for alternative solutions to try out. All in all, Anita figured that she was just about the same as she was when she’d come in to the hospital months before. She looked up to see Kevin looking at her, slightly confused at her delay. She knew that she’d have to say something.

“Um, well...the drugs that they were using didn’t exactly start to make me better. They’re trying something new now...so hopefully...” fear clouded over in her eyes, making Kevin know exactly what she was thinking.

“That’s not going to happen. They’re going to work and you’re going to win.” He said with such assuring-ness, “Stay positive.”

Anita sighed, “I hope you’re right. I hope that I win...cuz this is hell wondering and waiting for results.” What she didn’t tell Kevin was that her doctor had told her that high stress could have something to do with the delay and with all the stressing she’d done over him, it wouldn’t surprise her. She didn’t want to make him feel bad though, deciding that the small detail he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

“We’re some pair, aren’t we?” Kevin joked, getting a tiny smile out of Anita. He hugged her closely to him, kissing her forehead, “We’re going to be okay, hun. I’ve just got this feeling that we’re both going to be okay now.”

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“You sure you’re going to be alright?”

Kevin nodded in response to Brian’s question, which he’d already asked at least a dozen other times that morning. It had been two weeks since he’d been released from isolation and was back on chemotherapy. He’d forgotten just how much he hated them, however he knew it had to be done, keeping his complaining minimal. All in all, Kevin did think he’d be alright. His assuring didn’t seem to ease his cousins concern though, hidden deep within his blue eyes.

“Everything is great,” Kevin laughed, “Quit worrying about me so much...I’m past all of that stuff now.”

“We’re just making sure,” AJ stated.

Nothing was said for a long moment. Kevin appreciated his friends’ concern, however it made him feel like an invalid when they were constantly hoovering over him, babying him and coming to the rescue every time he needed just the simplest thing that he really could have done for himself. Kevin knew it was because they cared, but he was out of the woods now and gaining strength back by the day in the middle of chemo days.

“I’m fine,” Kevin smiled, tugging on Anita’s hand to pull her closer to him, “Plus I have Anita here for me.” The others didn’t say anything still, “It’s okay...I understand you have stuff to get back to in Florida and LA. It’s okay to leave. I won’t have any hard feelings over it. I promise.” Kevin was sure to put emphasis on the last word.

“It’s just that Nick is leaving too,” Howie explained, “We’re just afraid to all leave you here, that’s all.”

All in all, that was the truth. If Nick left with them, it was like their one lifeline for information was gone. If it hadn’t been for Nick, who would have told them about Kevin? The answer was nobody, for Anita wouldn’t have known how to contact them back them and the doctors obviously weren’t either. Their worry was just out of fear that things could do another turn around and Kevin really die, and they would have no way of ever knowing anything. Not until the way aftermath.


Kevin gave them a look that said it all though. He was okay and didn’t want them to feel obligated to stick around. He’d been glad that they’d come to spend time with him and stick things out with him until he was better, but it was also time for them to go home and get on with their own lives, for as soon as Kevin was released from the hospital, they had big plans to finish recording for their album and then tour. There was a lot to do in between that they all could take care of without him there to prepare for it. Every last one of them knew it too, but their hesitation was still there and going strong.

“Okay...” Brian finally decided, “If you’re sure...” he sighed, uncomfortable with leaving his cousin there, “But if anything changes, call us...either you or Anita...to let us know what is going on.”

‘Deal.” Kevin replied, knowing that it really wouldn’t go any other way anyways.

Each of the Boys gave Kevin a large hug, still not wanting to leave, but the decision was final. In a couple of hours, they’d be already in the air, in a jet, on the way back to where they’d come from.

‘Take care of yourself, okay?’ Nick told him, Kevin promising that he would.

Anita was next in line for a round of hugs. It was weird, because she considered each of the men to be a close friend now, accepting each as if it was all natural.

“It was so great meeting you,” Howie told her, “Be sure to keep him out of trouble and take care of him for us.”

Anita laughed, “I will.”

Everyone finished off their goodbyes. One by one, after a long pause and hesitation, the Boys filed out of the doorway and they were gone and out of sight just as quickly as they’d come in three months before.

**Chapter Fifteen**

Kevin took in a deep breath of fresh air as he stepped out in to the open outdoors. It was a beautiful, sunny day without a cloud in sight in the sky. The humidity was low, making the one-hundred degree temperature seem tolerable. He knew that he could only stay outside for a short, limited time period, but he cherished that time. He needed to feel the natural sunlight upon his skin, breath in the outdoors rather than stuffy hospital air filled with the scents of medications. It made all the difference in the world.

It had been shortly over a month and a half since he’d escaped isolation and he felt great. He’d continued on with his chemotherapy treatments right away, finding out that he’d not been set back by his stay away from all regimens. The cancer had not spread any more again and what had been improved during all of his months there hadn’t been reversed. The news had made him a very happy man, and by the day, he felt stronger and better. Kevin didn’t know if it was all in his mind and attitude, or if he was reading too much in to it, hoping for the absolute best. Either way, he was feeling more and more like his true self all of the time, his spirits rising.

He wondered how Anita was doing, knowing that she had experienced a rather difficult treatment session, the drugs taking more out of her than usual. She’d been asleep for most of the afternoon, and the nurses had told Kevin it would be best if he just let her be for a little while until she was feeling better. Kevin sighed, wishing he could be there with her. She was trying to hard to get through this, and things just seemed to be on a permanent hold for her. Kevin didn’t see this as fair, for she was so young. She had so much living to do yet, not even out of college. In fact, she’d barely just begun college, still having three years to go until graduation. No, Anita hadn’t even started her life yet, and he believed that she deserved it more than anybody. He prayed every night for her to start getting better. So far though, it wasn’t working.

His thoughts then went to the group as he walked slowly around the quarter mile walking trail. They’d been so supportive of him, and he missed them. They called regularly, but it wasn’t the same as them all being there. He knew that wish was near impossible though. He’d gotten so far without his illness leaking out to the press. It would be a nightmare if it got out now, and if all five were there, it would draw way too much attention. Them being there for as long as they had been in the first place had been nerve-wracking. Nothing bad had come of it though. They’d been very lucky. Now though, he wanted nothing more than for his friends to be there with him. He missed his old life so much.

Completing his lap around the pond, Kevin decided it was time for him to go back inside. He breathed in on last, large gulp of air before entering the building once more. Familiar scents of sickness immediately hit his nostrils. It didn’t phase him though, as he made his way back to his own room. Upon reaching his destination, Kevin was surprised to see his own doctor, Dr. Hixon, standing in his room.

“Ah, Kevin,” he greeted, “I’m glad to see you.”

Kevin eyed him suspiciously as he entered the room, pulling his IV card behind him. His gaze never once left the man as he settled himself back in to his bed. Not once had the doctor ever been waiting on him. Every time, Kevin had been ordered to stick around his room to wait for the doctor, sitting there for hours on end for him to finally show up. This was new, and definitely unusual.

“What’s going on?” Kevin finally asked, “Is everything alright?”

Dr. Hixon stood there for a minute. Kevin couldn’t even begin to read the blank expression on his face, for nothing in his expression told anything. His eyes however, were smiling, having a certain glow that Kevin hadn’t seen before.

Must’ve gotten laid right before his shift Kevin thought cruelly.

He wondered why this man was torturing him like this, just standing there, obviously holding some sort of crucial information about his status right there in his hands, dangling it over Kevin tauntingly until he started to beg for it. Kevin refused to cave in though like that, deciding that he could wait like a mature human being for what the doctor wanted, even though on the inside he was going absolutely insane.

“Yes, everything is fine,” Dr. Hixon told him, “In fact, everything is very good.”

His caused Kevin to arch one of his eyebrows, giving the doctor a confused, sideways glance. The man was seriously beginning to piss him off, but Kevin knew he couldn’t lose his temper. That would only land him in the psych ward or in the office of a councilor to talk about his anger and what was bothering him.

“Care to share?” Kevin asked in what he hoped to be a calm voice, even tempered tone of voice.

“Yes, I would actually,” the doctor answered right away, “After analyzing your most recent test results, I’ve been shown that your cancer is gone.” Kevin stared at him blankly for a long moment, wondering if he’d even heard the man correctly, “I’m very pleased to say that you’re in remission, Kevin.”

Kevin continued to just stare, wondering if he’d heard correctly. He honestly didn’t know, because for so long, he’d been facing nothing but problems. For as long as he could remember, he’d been sick and unhealthy. And now, out of nowhere...this was coming. Kevin couldn’t help but wonder if it was a sick joke.

“No shit?” he asked, giving the man a warning look that read for him to fess up now if he were lying.

“No lie,” Dr. Hixon laughed, the first time Kevin had seem him do anything like it since he’d even met the man, “We’re required to keep you here for a couple more days for paper work purposes, but in three days, you’ll be out of here.”

Kevin couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
He’d be free. Everything he’d ever thought about, dreamt about, was happening. Kevin never thought he’d live to see the day come. It looked like his wishes were finally coming true
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“This bites!” Anita scowled, sitting up in her bed. It had been thirty hours since she’d last seen Kevin, and she was bored beyond belief without her companion there with her. She was feeling much better, her weak, vulnerableness gone, “I am so fucking bored...” her voice trailed off as she sighed dramatically.

She was starting to wonder if Kevin was ever going to come and see her again. Sure, he’d been kept away for the past day and a half, however the doctors had to have told him by now that he could visit her, right? They knew that they were involved, and although they’d frowned upon it at first, Anita and Kevin were stubborn, and they hadn’t been given any trouble since. In fact, the nurses were constantly telling Anita how sweet they thought it was. But now, she wasn’t so convinced that they weren’t purposely keeping Kevin away still.

Anita considered ringing her buzzer to get somebody in to the room. If she did, she could always tell them to deliver a message to Kevin for her, or a note. But who was to say they wouldn’t be assholes and not even do that for her? If she wrote him a letter, Anita could almost see the hospital staff gathered around in a circle, reading it, laughing at her expense, before pitching it. Kevin would never know anything about it.

Her overactive imagination was halted as Kevin walked in to her room. Anita’s paranoia subsided when she saw him, smiling triumphantly, feeling as if she had won some sort of battle against the hospital staff.

“Hey!” she greeted in excitement, “They finally let you in?”

“They really had no choice,” Kevin laughed, walking up to her and giving her a kiss, “I had to see you...I missed you.”

Kevin smiled when he saw her blush, but was wondering if he should tell her about what he’d been told or not. As it was, he could have visited her the night before, right after he’d been told that he would be going home. He’d kept it from her for almost a day now...but Kevin didn’t know how he was going to tell her or how she would react to it.

“I was going crazy not seeing you,” Anita told him honestly, “Although I still say that you should have snuck in...” she grinned evilly, causing Kevin to chuckle good heartedly.

“That would not have been good, babe,” he told her, “They may have banned us from each other...” he was still smiling though. Nothing could bring his mood down. He felt as if he were floating on cloud nine.

“You’re in an awfully good mood,” Anita observed suddenly, then looked at him cautiously, “What’s going on? What happened?”

Kevin froze, but the smile still couldn’t be wiped off of his face. He knew though that since Anita had asked, picking up on something, he owed her the truth. He knew he’d have to tell her eventually anyways. Two days wasn’t much time to break to a girl you’d been seeing that you’d be leaving anyways, especially when she was going to be stuck in the same place, nobody knowing exactly how long.

“I...got a visit from my doctor yesterday,” he told her, “I um...I’m in remission. I get to leave...on Thursday.”

“Oh my god, that’s great!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a large hug, “Wow...I’m so happy...I....you’re better?!” she exclaimed, not really understanding how this was possible so soon after his nasty infection, but she trusted the doctors judgement, deciding not to second guess and ask questions.

Kevin drew back, a little bit shocked at how well she was taking this. Then again, why wouldn’t she be congratulatory towards him? She’d want the best for him, right? Anita, even though she was a little difficult sometimes, definitely wasn’t selfish. Or at least he didn’t think so. She should be happy.

“Thanks,” he hugged her back, “I honestly never thought that this day would come...I...it’s just like, a miracle of some sort.”

He could almost imagine being free. He couldn’t wait to call the other Boys and tell them to be expecting him...it would be one of the best phone conversations he’d ever have. He’d made it through his stay, press free. He could ease up. It was all behind him. Every last bit of it.

“You deserve this, Kev,” Anita told him, “You have no idea how much you deserve this...being well again.”

“You deserve the same, honey,” Kevin told her, kissing her again, “I’m going to go and call the others...let them know...” he paused, seeing disappointment cross her face, for he’d only just arrived, “I’ll be back in a little bit though, okay?” Anita nodded as she received one final kiss before Kevin left.

Once he was gone, Anita smiled, the news Kevin had delivered her being the best she’d heard in months. The grin slowly faded though once she the reality of it all hit. Thursday was only two days away. In not even half of a week, he’d be leaving her, having no choice but to do so. She would be left alone. Shaking her head, Anita cleared the thoughts away. She refused to believe that. Kevin wasn’t going to leave. He was going to stay right there. Anita knew she was setting herself up for an even bigger hurt, but for the time being, denial was her only way to deal with this and be happy around Kevin for his final days with her.

**Chapter Sixteen**

Anita gulped back tears, telling herself she wouldn’t cry. She didn’t want to have her tear streaked face be the first thing Kevin saw when he came in to her room. At the moment, he was checking out of the hospital. He’d done it. He was completely better and could leave. He’d gotten the news two days before, and for those forty-eight hours, Anita had been dreading what was coming. It was something that couldn’t be changed, no matter how much she wished that Kevin could stay there with her. She was happy that he’d gotten though everything and was getting to leave. She would never wish for him to stay sick just for her to have company and her boyfriend right there with her, but after this, she knew that their relationship would change. He’d get back to his life, and keeping things going would take more work until she too was released. Anita just hoped that Kevin would be willing to have a long-distance relationship for a little while until things were going calmly again for the both of them.

The thought of Kevin leaving struck Anita all at once then. At this time tomorrow, he wouldn’t be there. She would be all alone, without a single person there for her to talk to other than the occasional nurse. She hadn’t exactly made a point to get to know anybody else, therefore as soon as Kevin left...

Anita shook her head roughly, not wanting to think about that. She wanted to believe that he’d always be there with her and for her. But even as she tried to convince herself of this, tears started to fall because she knew that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t hide from the reality of it all. The sadness never ended in this place. If her and Kevin weren’t fighting, he was in isolation, if he wasn’t in isolation, he was leaving for good. None of it was fair to her. For a good portion of their stay together, conditions hadn’t been at their best.

“I guess this is it.”

Anita looked up to see Kevin standing in the doorway. He was free of all IV’s, dressed in normal clothing. He had a backpack in his hand, which he dropped to the floor lightly. Anita had never seen him looking more handsome, with a baseball cap hiding his bald head. She knew that within two months, he’d have his hair back to its normal length and nobody would ever know he’d faced this nightmare. It would be easy for him to hide, wearing the same baseball cap everywhere until his hair started to grow back. It wouldn’t be long at all...

Anita realized that her thoughts had sidetracked when she suddenly felt Kevin’s strong arms wrapping around her. She looked up in to his green eyes and saw sadness. The same sorrow she felt. It was as if dooms day had come. Before she knew it, Anita was sobbing openly on Kevin’s welcoming shoulder.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” she wept, “I...I...” she couldn’t find the words to say anything. Nothing seemed appropriate.

“I’ll um..I’ll miss you too, Anita.” he replied, still holding her in his arms, but his grip loosened. Anita figured it was because this was just as hard on him as it was on her. They were such a close pair...why wouldn’t he be upset.

“So are you excited about leaving?” Anita mustered up the courage to ask without her voice quavering in emotion.

Kevin paused, not sure if it was a trick question or not. On the other hand though, he truly didn’t know how he felt. He couldn’t remember what life was like outside of the hospital. Every memory he could recall had been spent in this place.

“I suppose so,” he finally answered, “It’s a miracle I am walking out of here in the condition I am.”

“Why’s that?” Anita asked him.

“Because I waited so long to get checked out that the cancer had spread...”he paused, “When I came in, I was told that I had a fifteen percent chance of survival...and then a five percent chance of survival...after I refused to have the surgery for...amputation.” he shook his head, “I...somehow, everything turned out okay though. I just hope it stays that way.” he got a far away look in his eyes, Anita figuring he was likely thinking about the possibilities of it all coming back to haunt him. And then what? He’d have to probably go through with the unthinkable amputations if he even had a chance of surviving. Although he hadn’t told her exactly what he had, Anita figured as much as his condition was a little more complex than her own.

Anita sighed, not really knowing what to say next. She was trying to say as little as possible in hopes that the water works wouldn’t turn on. She looked up in to Kevin’s eyes, seeing a troubled, far away look. She didn’t quite understand it. Maybe he was wishing he could stay there now...for a little bit longer with her.

“So are you going to start touring again right away?” Anita asked.

Kevin shrugged, “Start out slow, work our way back up. That’s what the doctor told me, anyways. I suppose that is for the best, so I don’t overwork myself too quickly...stress myself out too soon. That would not be good.”

Anita laughed forcefully, not really feeling light giving it any true feeling. This wasn’t a happy moment, or anything close. Both of them knew it. It was obvious that they were both trying to forget it.

“I should probably be going now.” Kevin stated

Or not.

“Do you have to?” Anita asked, tears welling up in her eyes on instinct.

Kevin nodded, cupping her chin in his hand as he kissed her on the lips. It wasn’t anything passionate, but it was a soft, sweet kiss. The kind that he’d given her in the beginning days of their relationship. Anita took this as odd, but figured it was easiest on both of them. If they got in to something too steamy, she knew that it would make his departure all the harder on her. That went without saying. So all in all, what she got was just perfect.

“We’ll talk right? Keep in touch and visit?” Anita asked, just to make sure, panic mode setting in that their bond and connection would disappear completely.

Kevin said nothing as he continued to hold her. He seemed to have blanked out, staring in to space, still not answering her questions.

“Kevin!” she stated sharply, causing him to look right at her, “We’ll keep in touch and then visit each other once I’m out of here, right?”

“Huh, oh yeah...of course.” he smiled faintly, hugging her tightly and kissing her on the forehead before pulling away, “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

Anita nodded, watching as he walked towards the door, picking up the backpack and hoisting it on to his shoulders.

“Kev?”

Kevin turned around, looking at Anita, whose face was tear streaked, pools of salty water in her eyes, ready to escape at any second.

“I love you.” she said softly.

“Love ya too.” he replied quickly, turning around and starting again. And just like that, he was gone.

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Walking in to the chemotherapy session that week was like a death sentence to Anita. She walked in solemnly, head high, gaze straight ahead of her, walking mechanically, as if she were going to the electric chair for a crime she didn’t commit. When she reached her destination, she sat, waiting for a nurse to come and IV her, inserting the powerful drugs in to her body once again. Drugs that were lethal in a dosage too large.

It was her first round without Kevin, and Anita didn’t know what to expect. He’d always been there to soothe her worries and fears and take away her pain with his soft voice and comforting hand holding on to hers, sometimes even singing softly to her, making her forget that any of this was even happening temporarily. She didn’t know how she was going to get through this all alone.

Kevin had left six days ago already. The time seemed to fly by, but at the same time, drag. This made the days confusing, as if she fell asleep, Anita lost track of everything when she woke up, most of the time having to ask what day it was. More times than not, only a couple of hours had passed. The only thing that made any sense was how much she longed for and missed Kevin. Nothing was the same anymore. There was no more watching TV or reading, to be interrupted by Kevin coming in to her room to check up on her, or just to say HI. Every time she went down to the activity room, he wouldn’t be there, and she would find herself over by the door where they first had met. It all seemed so long ago, and in a sense, it had been.

She found one thing odd though. Kevin still hadn’t called her. In six days, she had yet to hear from him. If the situation were reversed, she would be calling him every other day at he absolute least to see how he was doing, and making a point to come and visit several times a week. She knew that the visiting part was impossible on his part, for he had told her that the second he got back, he’d be back to work. He did have the phone number to the hospital though and the extension to her room, so he could call her easily. He had the address and room number, so he could send her a letter or postcard easily. And he had her cell phone number and home address, so when she was released, he could contact her easily. As much as she wanted to think that just possibly, Kevin’s calls weren’t connecting and his letters were getting lost in the mail, Anita was getting worried. Had she even crossed his mind for a portion of a second once? Did he ever plan on communicating with her again? Anita didn’t know. She was unsure of it. Very, very unsure. Nothing seemed written in stone these days.

But then the occasional thought crossed Anita’s mind that maybe something was wrong. Maybe he’d gotten sick again, because he really wasn’t out of the woods yet. The doctors had made an error and he’d gone without any medical attention. This thought caused Anita to feel sick to the stomach, but then realized that she would have heard something by now from somebody if there had been malpractice going on in that very hospital. She figured that for now, Kevin was safe. It was her who was still sick, and hurting on the inside. Her negativity would probably have an effect on her healing, but at that point, she didn’t care. She really had nothing to live for. Her friends had disowned and betrayed her and Kevin...she didn’t know what was going on with him.

So as a nurse came up to her, Anita just continued to stare straight ahead as she inserted the IV in to Anita’s arm, opening it up so the treatment could begin. The pain and burning hit almost immediately, as always, and for the first time in months, Anita cried openly, not really caring who heard her.

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“So you finally decide to visit again, huh?” Anita asked as her once best friends entered the room. She wasn’t mad. She didn’t have it in her heart to be mad. She missed Kevin, and it had been three and a half weeks since he left. There was still no word from him though.

“Just checking up to see how you’re doing.” Kimberly was the first to speak, “It’s been awhile, and we were talking...” her voice trailed off, it being very obvious that she was uncomfortable. They all were.

Anita just sighed, shaking her head. She wondered where they thought they got off visiting every other month. That wasn’t a friend. She’d learned a long time ago that the three superficial girls probably never were her friends. Just shallow partners in crime against others. Anita was glad to know that she’d strayed herself away from that kind of life. She was learning more and more each day that you experienced so many more great things when you weren’t constantly wrapped around yourself.

“How kind of you,” Anita stated simply, deciding against being rude. Last time they’d all visited, it had ended in shouting pretty nasty things at one another. If she wasn’t mistaken, Kevin had still been in isolation back then. It was funny how things worked. He’d escaped the vicious grasps of the isolation and now was officially in remission, out of the hospital while she was still stuck.

“So how are you feeling?” Madison asked, sincerely interested in how the girl who she still considered to be a best friend.

Anita shrugged, unsure of how she was feeling. She honestly didn’t know when the last time she felt good or normal was. She didn’t even remember the last time she felt decent. So asking how she was feeling was a complicated question. How she felt compared to what? Yesterday, A month ago, two years ago?

“I’m getting by,” Anita finally said, “I guess things are okay...I mean, I still feel gross half the time, but I guess to be expected, right?” she cringed at what she’d said. How would they know? Of course, now they would act like they understood oh so well, but they didn’t. This was more than just the flu. This was more serious and unless you were facing it yourself, you couldn’t possibly understand just how awful it was.

There were a few moments of silence that caused an uncomfortable barrier between them. Kimberly was glancing around the room at all of the gifts around the room. Most of the flowers had been removed due to them dying slowly plus the extreme amount of flowers causing her allergies to act up.

“So, are you still dating that one guy..Kevin or something?” Madison asked

Anita cringed. She didn’t want to give the three girls the satisfaction of knowing that her boyfriend had left without a trace. But she knew that if she lied, it wouldn’t be very convincing at all. Anita sighed, knowing that weather she liked it or not, she’d have to see the smirks of happiness on their faces. From the very beginning, they’d been bitter and jealous of her relationship with Kevin, not knowing how she managed to get such a gorgeous guy. If only they knew just who he was, they they’d really shit in their pants. But since he was gone, their wishes would now be granted.

“I honestly don’t know,” Anita finally replied, “He hit remission almost a month ago, but I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not suer what’s going on.”

“Oh, well..um....we’re sorry.” Juanita apologized, and Anita would have almost bought it as sincere if she didn’t already know how vindictive they all were.

“Oh well...it was great while it lasted, but...maybe he’ll call,” Anita stated, then turned to Madison, “Are you and Taylor still together?”

She saw Madison squirm, that itself giving away the answer. Anita would have felt bad had Taylor not been her own ex boyfriend. One of the unwritten rules of true friendship stated that you never, ever, under any circumstances dated an ex boyfriend of a friend. Madison had broken that rule and betrayed Anita while doing so.

“We broke up too...” she muttered under her breath, it obviously taking all she had in her to admit to this, “He told me I was too bossy and stuck up. Can you believe that load of bull shit?” she huffed in enraged disbelief of this fact herself.

“No, I wonder what on earth gave him that idea.” Anita mused, her voice dripping with the slightest bit of sarcasm, which the three plastic girls failed to pick up. They never had been good at picking up on hints.

Anita was saved by a nurse coming in to the room, there to take Anita’s blood pressure, temperature and all of the other good stuff, requiring the three to leave. They said their goodbyes, making it obvious that they were dismissed for the day, or in their case, another few months. Anita sighed, wondering if she’d done something to be punished by the wrath of Kimberly, Juanita and Madison.

**Chapter Seventeen**

Okay, so life totally sucks! I know I have never been good at keeping journals, such as you...but hey, I am lonely. I no longer have Kevin here to talk to about everything, and the others aren’t exactly friendly towards the young, such as myself. Therefore...telling a book everything is my only hope.

It’s been sixty-five days since Kevin left...sixty-five days, three hours, twelve minutes. Pathetic that I know this, but him leaving was emotional. I remember the date, the hour, the minute that he walked out the door saying goodbye. I should have known something was up by the strange way he was acting. I thought nothing of it though. But shit, he still hasn’t even written me. I deserved at least that much, right? A postcard to say “Hey, all is well, hope you’re okay. Have a nice life.” Sure, it would have hurt, but...I’m sitting here every day waiting, and nothing comes. I miss him, but maybe I never meant a flying fuck to his ass. But then there was the way that he looked in to my eyes...ya know...the way he held me, telling me everything was going to be alright. That was real. I know it was. I guess I am just confused. I hold on to hope that he’ll contact me though. It has only been two months, and I know that he and the Boys were going to get on with the touring life and all. Maybe he’s just busy?


Anita looked at what she’d just written, chewing on the cap to her pen thinking of something else to say. She knew that there was more, but she just couldn’t find the words to say it. How could you explain how you felt when your boyfriend left never to be heard from again? Anger, hurt, confusion were some of the feelings, but it went much deeper than that. Much, much deeper. She just couldn’t place a finger on the right words to describe it.

With a sigh, Anita shut her eyes, closing her journal, which was nothing more than a pad of paper provided by the hospital. It was nothing special, and not even the least bit private, but it would due. It wasn’t like she was writing anything that needed to be hidden anyways. It was no secret that she hated the hospital, or that she wanted Kevin back. It just sucked that things had turned out the way that they did. It sucked a lot.

Opening her eyes, Anita looked around her again. Nothing had changed. She was still in the small room, receiving her chemotherapy treatment of the week. She’d adapted to them to the point of being able to deal with out too many complications, but she missed being able to hold Kevin’s hand during them. He always had known how to comfort her. Now, she had to get through it herself with nothing more than her own positive mind set.

“This your first time?”

Anita looked over to see a girl in her mind twenties. She was new, that much was obvious. It was her posture that gave it away. She sat upright and stiff, her hands fidgeting with anything and everything that came in to contact with them. Anita smiled inside, but not out of satisfaction that the girl was troubled. It was because she remembered a time where she was in the same position. It was so long ago...seven months or so, she assumed. She’d been a complete mess inside. On the outside, Anita presumed that she’d looked no better.

“Far from it,” she told the girl kindly, figuring it wouldn’t hurt for her to be nice to some of the fellow patients, “I’ve been here for over half a year now. How about you?”

The girl nodded, “First time...kind of. I hit remission two and a half years ago...but I guess it wasn’t meant to last. So, I’m trying again to fight this thing.”

Anita nodded, understanding why the girl looked so upset. She’d already beaten this thing once. She’d thought that she was out of the woods, ready to get on with her life again, but then cancer had struck once more, setting back her goals and plans. Anita felt bad for her, but silently hoped that she herself would never be in such a predicament. She hoped that if she hit remission, that would be the end of it.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Anita told her, not really knowing what else to say to her about it. What could you say to a girl who was in this
position? “I’m Anita by the way.” she gave the girl a friendly smile.

“Emily,” she replied, “Nice to meet you...it’s always great to meet and see friendly faces around here. Most people are so grumpy or stuck on themselves or just don’t want to be bothered with others.”

Anita laughed. Boy did she know how that was. It had been Kevin so many months ago. She wondered if that was his attitude all long until she had appeared. Maybe she had given him some strange reason to change his attitude? Or possibly he really had just been bitter due to the phone call he’d mentioned right before their bumping in to one another. This memory caused her smile to fade as she shook the thoughts away quickly. She didn’t want to think about Kevin and what could be or might have been at the moment.

“So, do you have a boyfriend?” Anita asked her, trying to take her mind off of her own relationship troubles and possibly concentrate on somebody else’s. In a way, she hoped that they could get through a breakup together.

“Kind of...” Emily’s voice trailed off, “I don’t know. I guess you could say that I do. He hasn’t been around much since all of this came up again. I think he’s just afraid...he just lost his mom to breast cancer three months ago, ya know?”

Anita nodded, sort of understanding why he’d be backing off, but on the other hand, it really was no excuse. He should be there for his girlfriend no matter what. Whoever this guy was reminded her of Kevin’s ex girlfriend whom left as soon as he was diagnosed. The two were no different and probably deserved each other to be miserable together in their shallowness and conceited-ness.

Seconds later, a nurse came up to Anita, unhooking her IV which fed her the chemo drugs. Anita looked up at her, knowing the drill all to well already.

“All done for the day.”she informed her, “Will you be needing help getting back to your room?” Anita shook her head, “The doctor will be running some tests later today to see where you stand. You have another appointment for the same time next week.”

Anita nodded, putting herself in to a wheelchair to take her to her room. She hated how weak she felt after the sessions, but she was always feeling better by the next day. God, how she hoped these test results were different than the others.

“It was great meeting you, Emily,” Anita told the girl, “I guess I’ll see you around.”

Emily smiled, picking up a magazine next to her to read while she went through her turn in the torture chamber, as everyone liked to call it. Another day was done, and although Anita didn’t know if she’d made a friend of Emily or if she’d even ever see her again, at least there was potential for something to be made there until one of them was free to go home.

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Anita sighed dramatically as she stared up at the clock. Dr. Robertson was due in sometime that afternoon to give her the results of some tests that had been done a few days before. Her next chemo session was in three days already and she was hoping that these test results would give her reason to step in to it with confidence and a happy attitude. So far, the tests and blood work always came back with negative answers. She was still the same, or the drugs weren’t working and she’d have to try something different, or take a stronger dose. Each time, she was disappointed, wondering if she would ever get better or if all of this was just a waste of time and health insurance money.

Flipping on the TV in her room, Anita settled on Room Raiders on MTV. Never in her life did she ever imagine a half hour show could drag by so slowly. One by one, a boy by the name of Ryan went through each girls room, finding all sorts of dirty clothes, kinky sexual things and stains on the sheets from a black light, lord only knowing what they were. Each invasion of a room seemed to take an hour alone, but the clock told no lie. The show was dragging. Life was dragging, as she waited. All she wanted to know was if she was getting better. It was what had been on her mind since the tests. So naturally, everything else was going by in a blur, her going through the motions as she waited, stationed in her room so she wouldn’t miss the doctor coming for her. She wanted to wait patiently, however she felt herself getting antsy with anticipation with each minute that passed.

So when Anita was about to give up, three hours later when the clock hit 9:55, Dr. Robertson entered her room. He stood tall, holding a clipboard and her charts and a thick folder. She figured that he held in his hands her entire medical history, including the time she went to the doctor with the chicken pox when she was six, and when she went on birth control at fourteen to regulate her monthly cycle. She knew that the vast majority, or at least a good half of the stack, pertained to her leukemia. It was cancer, after all. There was a lot of stuff there that had to be kept in her records. And on the top of the stack were the results of her latest tests. She felt her palms start to sweat as her body grew hot and tingly. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at him, waiting for him to speak to begin everything.

“Hello, Anita,” Dr. Robertson greeted after a long, drawn out pause, “Good to see you.”

Anita nodded in his direction, deciding it would be best to bite her tongue against her sarcastic remarks that kept popping in to her mind. She’d seen the doctor maybe ten times since her admittance. Pretty much, the only time she saw him was when he was giving her test results or the occasional stop by.

“How are you feeling lately?” he asked her, crossing his arms across his chest, the files tucked securely in to them. He looked at her, waiting for a response.

“Um, good,” Anita told him, “I’ve been feeling better...a little more energy and all. I’m not as tired as I have been for the past months.”

The doctor nodded, and Anita couldn’t read if that was a good or bad thing as he wrote some stuff down. He was torturing her with not cutting to the chase, but Anita knew that she’d have to be patient. She’d waited this long, a few more minutes wouldn’t kill her.

“Are your chemotherapy sessions getting easier?”

“Yes,” Anita told him, “Not as torturous as they used to be, but still not on my top ten list of things to do.”

Dr. Robertson chuckled, “Well, I’m sure you’re probably wondering what your tests told us, aren’t you?”

“It would be nice,” Anita told him, “To know...what’s going on with my situation.”

“Well...I don’t wait to get your hopes up too high, but everything looked great,” he
begun, “Your counts are closer to where they should be...a lot closer, in fact. The other tests showed improvement too. All in all, I was very impressed.”

Anita blanked at hearing this. Was she hearing things or had the doctor really said that she was improving? It almost seemed too good to be true. She’d been stuck there for months without so much as one affirmative word that she was getting better. Now though, all of a sudden, the doctor sounded hopeful instead of worried. Anita truly believed that she’d blanked out the doctors true negative words, replacing them with hearing what she wanted.

“Ar...are you serious?” she asked.

“Keep up the positive attitude, Anita, and I can see you hitting remission and being able to get out of here.” Dr. Robertson told her, giving her a pat on the back before exiting the room to tend to other patients.

Anita smiled widely. In as little as a few weeks, she could be free from all of this, considered to be in remission. Her life could get back on track, carrying on with it as if none of this had ever happened. Anita couldn’t wait. She was going to be okay. Her smile slowly faded though as certain memories came back to her. If only she were still talking to Kevin, then her homecoming would be all the more special.

**Chapter Eighteen**

With a sad sight, Anita took one last look around what had been her hospital room, checking to make sure she’d gotten everything before walking out of the small room for the last time to check out completely. After almost eight months in the hospital, Anita had finally reached her remission point. Her counts were where they were supposed to be and the chemotherapy was something of her past now. She was free to leave, however she didn’t feel too happy about it. She felt as if something were missing.

It had been three months since Kevin had been released, and he hadn’t done so much as to send her a single, simple post card. She wondered if he was okay, but every time she had her doubts, the group as a whole would be on some TV show, live, or she’d hear of another obstacle they’d crossed in getting ready for their upcoming tour, mainly information on their albums steps in becoming complete. This always let her know that he was okay, still healthy and doing well, and as much as Anita wanted to think and convince herself that he was just so caught up in everything that contacting her had crossed his mind, she was afraid to admit the fact that he had probably forgotten all about her existence and she would never hear from him again. That seemed to be the most likely and realistic explanation. She’d just been there to help pass his time until he was freed.

“You ready, honey?”

Anita looked up to see a nurse standing before her. Anita realized that she had paused in the middle of the doorway, zoning out deep into her own thoughts. Her cheeks turned a slight shade of pink out of embarrassment for blanking out temporarily. She wondered if she should have her head examined too while she was still there, then realized that there was nothing wrong with her head. Just her aching heart.

“More than ever.” Anita replied, and followed the nurse to the Nurses Station desk to sign the paperwork to officially make her a free woman once again. Freedom seemed like an alien word to her now.

Anita had to admit that she felt better than she had in a long time. She felt stronger, healthier. She was a little bit tired after all she’d been put through in the many months she’d undergone chemotherapy treatments, and was told she would be for a little while, but for the most part, she felt absolutely great...except for the place in her heart and life where Kevin was supposed to be. That part of her was incomplete and she wasn’t sure if it would ever be repaired.

Once the paperwork and signatures were written and signed out in permanent ink, Anita made her way down to the hospital lobby. She stopped, standing for ten minutes almost thinking that Kevin would be there to pick her up. When she didn’t see him, she slowly came to the realization again that he wasn’t coming. He never intended to nor had he ever intended to when he left. That would explain the strange look in his eyes when he’d said goodbye and his odd behavior. Anita hadn’t read anything in to it before, but the signs had been there all along. She’d been just plain stupid not to see them before.

Anita had a difficult time locating her car once she’d left the building. It had been so long since she’d left it in the parking lot designated for those who’d be there for an extended time. After wondering around for awhile, Anita finally found it, surprised to see that it was in the same condition as when she’d left it. It hadn’t been touched other than the smallest door dent from where another car had nicked it. That too, would be a small scar to remind her of her stay and experience there.

As Anita slid in to the car, the heat was immense from being bottled up inside of it for so long. She immediately rolled down the windows, letting the air circulate through the interior as she drove out of the parking lot. She turned the radio on to her pre-set favorite station, saddened when she recognized the song as Quit Playing Games With My Heart right away.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Anita muttered bitterly, “What a joke.” but she didn’t change the station, because it was exactly how she felt about Kevin. He was playing games with her heart, her mind. The only difference was, the games were over and she was left suffering through the aftermath.

Anita arrived home a little sooner than she would have liked to. Her condo was just as she’d left it, the lawn obviously freshly mowed. It was times like these that she appreciated her late, wealthy grandparents, who’d bought her the place for high school graduation. If it hadn’t been for that, she’d have been evicted months ago due to failure and inability to make rent and bill payments. At least this way, she had a place to come back to.

“Home sweet home.” Anita sighed, sitting in the driveway for a long moment just staring up at the place, feeling almost as if she were a visitor to the seemingly foreign place. She almost felt as if she’d have to knock to be let inside until realizing she had a set of keys, right there, dangling from her car key ring which she found to be in the
ignition still.

Pulling them out, Anita slowly retreated from her car, walking up to the door and opened it. She wished she had somebody to come back to...a roommate or somebody for company. She was alone though, making the homecoming all the more sad. Anita knew she should be happy to be out of the stuffy, old hospital, cured in what she hoped to be for good of the cancer, but she couldn’t help it but to just feel so utterly separate from the rest of the world and it made her long for Kevin even more.

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“Damn, so much to do.” Anita grumbled, looking over the list she’d made of stuff that she needed to go back to classes. The list kept growing with stuff she always forgot about and she was suddenly realizing why she’d always started this more in advance.

A month had passed since her release. Three weeks before, Anita realized that she needed something to do, deciding it wouldn’t hurt to enrol in a couple of classes to go towards her degree of Fashion Designing. There really was no reason not to, and beings spring quarter was just about to begin at the beginning of April, she decided there was nothing holding her back. Her absence had cost her three quarters of her summer as well as Autumn and Winter quarters. She knew she needed to jump back in to the game and try to take her mind off of Kevin. So far though, the second part wasn’t working.

“I don’t even know where to begin.” she muttered, going over the list again for what seemed to be the hundredth time.

There was so much to buy, so much to pay for and just plain too much to do. Every other quarter, her, Madison, Juanita and Kimberly would go out and buy supplies together, buy books together, pay fees together, and flirt with every guy that had an appearance score of an eight or better together. The last part seemed stupid and superficial now, but she missed the rest. Doing it all alone was just boring and made her feel like a loner.

Feeling completely unmotivated, Anita leaned back in the booth she was sitting in, watching as all of the groups of friends and couples scurried around the Food Court. The mall was definitely for groups and not for single people to roam around. She missed being a part of something. Ever since her return, and even long before that, remembering her many lonesome nights in the hospital before the Boys had shown up, she’d been an outsider looking in. It wasn’t fair to her, but it was something she was quickly becoming accustomed to, for she really didn’t have a choice. That still didn’t make it easier though.

Taking a sip of her orange slushy drink, Anita squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her fingers firmly against her temples as brain freeze gave her an intense headache for nearly a minute, making it impossible for her to think. Then again, at this point, Anita was sick of thinking. She was sick to death of being reminded of what a loser she’d become socially. Sitting around, moping and feeling sorry for herself just wasn’t an option though. It was something she refused to partake in. Going out and living life was something she enjoyed too much and she’d had to miss out on for way too long. The only thing she wished was that she had somebody to carry on her life with.

“Let’s see,” Anita muttered to herself, chewing on the end of her pen as she concentrated on the list. She knew she had to prioritize all of her obligations to get everything done by the time classes started, “I’ll buy books tomorrow, pay fees while I’m at it...shop for clothes the week before classes...”

Anita closed her eyes and groaned, burying her head in her arms on the tabletop. She was so overwhelmed and it was making her nauseous. Her head was swarming with everything, and it all kept piling on. Normally, she’d have people to get through all of this with and they’d laugh and make the best of the loads of stuff they had to do. Upon thinking of this, Anita groaned loudly, causing a few people to stare.

“You’ve got to quit doing this to yourself.” she whispered, “You’ve got to quit torturing yourself about being alone...” Anita knew she probably sounded crazy sitting alone in a booth talking to herself, but the mall was almost empty, and she didn’t know anybody, therefore, she didn’t care. She was frustrated and letting it out. She knew she did need to stop thinking about how she had nobody though. It wasn’t doing her any good.

This still didn’t make her feel better though. Even though her life was back, she still felt like the vast majority of it was missing. Because she had faced the lovely world of leukemia, her life was robbed for months and now, certain parts of it wouldn’t come back. Parts of it couldn’t. As much as this hurt, Anita knew she’d have to get used to the thought. She hoped that once college started, she’d make some new friends and gain back some of what she’d lost. As long as she kept a positive attitude and kept her personal, not so glamourous life, scary past of a life behind her and secret from new people until she felt it was necessary to tell them, she felt that the task would be quite easy.

Tucking the papers that she’d written out in to her purse, Anita stood, deciding to walk around and get an idea for the kind of things she’d buy for back-to-school. If she found something extra special, she might just treat herself to an outfit to wear out and about in the meantime. It couldn’t hurt, after all, and she hadn’t spent a cent in almost a year due to being cooped up in a stuffy old building. She felt she owed it to herself to something nice.

With one last sigh, Anita started out in to the actual mall. Shopping was any girls best friend. The rest of the day was for her, no responsibilities, no commitments, no obligations. It was all about her. Before she knew it, she’d be thrusting herself back in to the outside world, one that she’d been forced to drop out of, and nothing was going to stop her this time once she got started again. That she was determined and sure of.

Chapter Nineteen

Anita bit her lip nervously as she made her way across campus, her backpack hiked up onto her shoulder. Her eyes darted around, watching everyone else cautiously also scurrying around, trying to get to their classes on time. She found herself wondering what each of their pasts were. Their history. Their story. She knew that she had her own to tell, but planned on keeping it a hidden secret from everyone else. The last thing she wanted was to be singled out on her first day of classes because everybody deemed her a freak. True, she knew, College was different than petty High School, however some people were still capable of judging cruelly, influencing others to follow their lead.

Seeing a guy who looked like a young version of Kevin...Kevin in the beginning of the Backstreet Boys. Anita gave him a shy smile. He didn’t seem to notice though, too involved in his own attempt to find his class, or ignoring her, finding her to be ugly due to her extremely short hair...complements to losing it all to the chemo. It was growing back though finally. Slowly.. She sighed, hoping that in the year she’d been gone, everybody hadn’t turned cruel. If so, she had a long road ahead of her.

She’d met her roommate earlier that morning in the female dorms. The girls name was Lisa, a small girl with long, wavy dirty-blonde hair and big, blue eyes. She had high cheekbones and pouty, rosebud lips. She was very attractive, the type that all the guys on campus would long for and the girls envy and be jealous of. She was sweet though, however Anita had already gotten the impression that she lived to party hard. When asked about her hair, Anita quickly lied that she’d had to shave her head on a lost bet. The girl hadn’t asked further questions. Anita felt that within a couple of weeks, her and Lisa would become good friends. That was what she needed...a good friend who wouldn’t judge. Before they’d gotten to really talk though, it was time to head out to classes.

Which lead her to that moment, coming up on Lincoln Hall, where her first class would take place. Anita gulped, staring up at the large, seven-story, square building. She made her way up the steps, pushing open the door, telling herself that attitude was everything. She walked through the halls, putting on the same front as everybody else, nervous but confident, as she looked for room three-oh-eight, finding it easily on the third floor.


Anita was surprised to find the room over half full already, with a half an hour before classes were to start. She made her way in, taking a seat towards the back of the room, a couple of chairs away from everyone else in either direction, hoping to make her presence unknown and unnoticed. Whoever came in after her would have their choice on weather or not they wanted to be near her, in all her near bald-headed glory. She was taken off guard when nobody seemed to care, filing in and the select few saying a friendly ‘hello’ as they sat next to her. She smiled back, happy that class number one wasn’t going to give her any problems. She had three more to go. Soon enough, she’d find how they’d go.

After an agonizing half hour of silence, the instructor finally walked in to the room carrying a small leather briefcase. She set it down on the front podium, flipped it open and pulled out a stack of papers, passing it around the room. Anita found that it was the syllabus, taking a look over it, flipping through the six pages, as the instructor began.

“Welcome to Introduction to Fashion,” her voice came out loud and clear, “My name is Instructor Karen Bangles. To sum this class up, you will get to know the history behind fashion, the trends of the past, present and future as well as big fashion mistakes, and what does work. You will also be assigned and expected to create your own outfit, making it. Part of your fees were to cover the material that will be used to make these. Anything extra, you will be responsible for on your own.”

Anita continued to listen intently, jotting down notes around the outer border of the syllabus. She rolled her eyes at a couple of things the woman said. Her tone was blunt and superior, Anita already able to tell that she was going to be a real bitch. The class was going to be difficult, about five credit hours stuffed in to three. Anita hoped that she could handle it all and wasn’t taking up too much at once too soon. If it was, she decided she could always drop a class to make her load more bearable.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Anita focused back on her instructor. It was too soon to be thinking about being too stressed and dropping classes. She hadn’t even completed ten minutes of her first one yet, day one. When prompted, she pulled the designated book from her backpack, turning to page three. She wondered if it was too soon to be back in college, only a month after her release from the hospital. She supposed that there was only one way to find out. All she could really do was try.

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Anita yawned as she sluggishly made her way to the courtyard, where all the students hung out during their breaks. There were scads of groups of girls, guys and co-ed groups scattered across the lawn, lounging out, for it was a gorgeous, clear, sunny day. She looked around, seeing that everybody was already engrossed in their own conversations or with their groups of friends, so her search continued to find an open, empty spot.

She’d found in her first two classes that nobody wanted to talk to the ‘bald girl’ They’d been friendly enough, but didn’t make an effort to speak to her any more than they had to, no obligations being felt.

Seeing an opening a few dozen yards away, Anita quickly made a bee line towards it to claim the area as her own before anybody else had the chance to. The campus was large, that went without saying. She’d forgotten just how large, although before, she’d conquered the college life with a group of close-knit friends, making it seem tolerable and even fun. Now, all alone, it seemed intimidating.


Sitting down under a large tree, Anita pulled out a sandwich she’d made from her backpack, unwrapping the foil. She tore off a small piece, popping it in to her mouth as she pulled a textbook from the bag, opening it up to where her homework was, reading the pages with half interest. The other half of her attention was on everything going on around her. She was jealous of everybody. Including the three students, two girls and a guy, who were making their way towards her, laughing over something the guy had said. She scowled, angry at the taunting way they were going about. Then the unexpected happened. They stopped right before her.

“Mind of we sit here with you?” one of the girls asked. She was around five seven and petite with long red hair and blue eyes.

“No, um..go ahead.” Anita told them, eyeing the boy. He was very nice looking, obviously the other girl, a blonde’s, boyfriend.

The three sat down right next to her. Anita continued to read, figuring they just needed a place to sit. She’d go on with her business as if they weren’t even there while they talked amongst themselves.

“So, what’s your name?”

Anita looked up over the top of her book, startled when she saw them all staring at her. She wondered if they were making sure she wasn’t listening or if they were actually speaking directly at her.

“Me?” the three nodded, “Anita.” she told them, putting the book face- down beside her.

“I’m Zach,” the boy said, “This is Courtney,” he squeezed the blonde, his girlfriend, “And the redhead is Elizabeth.”

“Nice to meet you,” Courtney stated with a warm smile.

“Likewise.” Anita replied, feeling as if she were in an alternate universe. Nobody had make a point to talk to her in so long, “This your first year?”

“Yeah,” Elizabeth said, “We’re lowly freshman.” Anita laughed, remembering those days, “You?”

“The start of my second year...I just came back from a long, um....vacation, I guess you could say.”

The three looked at her strangely. Anita’s heart hammered in her chest, wondering why she’d so stupidly volunteered the opportunity for them to ask questions. Then again, if she was going to be friends with people, she might as well tell them right off, right? Or should she let people get to know her before scaring them off with her history?

“What’s with your hair being so short?” Courtney asked.

Anita cringed. She should have known people would eventually ask about it. Especially if people were talking to her, period. Anita wondered if that was the only reason the trio had joined her. They’d seen the bald girl, and decided to make a freak show out of her. It didn’t seem fair to her at all. As she looked at them though, she could tell they were genuinely interested and weren’t there to judge. Anita felt that telling these three the truth was safe.

“I um...was in the hospital with cancer for almost a year.” Anita told them, “I just got out a month ago.”

Their eyes all widened with surprise, but none of them moved. Anita figured if they were going to spook, they would be darting across the campus lawn by now. They stayed though, and Anita honestly didn’t know how she felt about that.

“Wow, was that scary?” Elizabeth asked finally.

“Of course it was, you ditz,” Courtney scolded.

Anita laughed, “It was...but I got through. The trick is keeping a positive attitude, and then everything is more likely to turn out good.”


After that came a serious of questions. Most were about her stay in the hospital, and she told them about Kevin, leaving out the part about who Kevin was. Some questions though, were general interest. Anita got to know each of them some too. They all talked for nearly an hour, and before she knew it, Anita felt as if they’d been friends for years. It was weird, but felt so good at the same time. She was regretful when she looked at her cell phone,
realizing she was going to be late for her next class.

“So, meet here tomorrow, same time?” Zach asked, looking at the two girls. They nodded, “You too, Anita? Meet us here?” Anita smiled, nodding.

The four got up and parted their separate ways, Courtney and Zach going together hand in hand. As Anita walked to her class, she couldn’t stop smiling. Only a week in and things were already improving for her. Suddenly, she felt like getting out of her condo had been the best thing in her interest. If not, she wouldn’t have known what she could have been missing.

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Flopping herself on to one of the couches placed randomly around the mall, Anita took in a deep breath and let it out noisily. Her first week of classes had been overwhelming. That went without saying. She honestly wondered if she should drop out now when she could still get a seventy-five percent refund of her money and re-enroll when she was feeling more up to it. Only six weeks ago, she’d been in the hospital. Now, she was already back in college, taking things full swing. Anita didn’t know if that was wise or not, but in her head, she already knew what she’d be doing. She would end up finishing the quarter, and by that time, she knew she’d be feeling a lot better, and from there on out would carry on like she would have any other year. It was the getting back in to sync with everything that drove her crazy.

“Class sucks, life sucks.” Anita said aloud, repositioning the cap she was wearing, hoping it was doing the job of hiding her. She wasn’t getting too many stares, so she was satisfied that the hat was doing its job.

Anita wished that the people she’d met and been meeting with for lunch every day were with her. They already had weekend plans of their own though, not including her in them. Not that she could blame them. Why should they have her be the tag-along until they knew each other better? Then it would be more of a group thing than a “lets feel sorry for Antia” thing, dragging her along like a third wheel. It didn’t stop her from wanting to be included though. Was that really so much to ask? Anita honestly didn’t think so, but apparently, it was. Making friends was hard. Harder than she ever remembered.

“Nita?” a voice called out, “Is that you?”

Anita looked to see Taylor coming towards her. She immediately sat up straight, her heart racing in her chest hoping that she appeared to be calmer than she felt. Since she got home, she hadn’t seen or talked to anybody from her past life. It felt awkward and unnatural, as if he was a friend she’d had in middle school, and hadn’t seen in five years.

“Hey, Taylor.” Anita replied, cringing when she saw Madison, Juanita and Kimberly all coming up behind him. Apparently, Taylor hadn’t gotten rid of the superficialness of them...or had crawled back to it for some unknown reason. She forced a smile, “Hey girls.”

“Oh my god, Anita?” Juanita cried out, running past the others, plopping herself down on the couch next to her, “Wow...you...how long have you been out of the hospital for?”

“Month and a half.” she answered as all of the others stopped right in front of her.

“Wow, we like, had no idea!” Madison replied.

Anita eyed her, deeming her the ringleader of the three stooges. She always had been more of the boss of the group. Anita didn’t know how she’d put up with it for so long. It still baffled her. After all of this time, she still wondered if she’d been dropped on her head as an infant and getting leukemia had made her come to grips with how things were in reality.

“Gee, ya know what....maybe you would have known if you’d called and visited more often than once every two months.” Anita quipped.

All four grew silent telling Anita that they felt guilty because she was right, and they knew it. They had known that they were being bitches all along, but it hadn’t stopped them from hurting her. She was over the hurt though, and even the anger. She honestly just didn’t care anymore. She was lonely, but knew that she cold find much better friends that these three...and even Taylor, who’d been sweet at first, but followed in the footsteps of evil.

“We’re sorry about that,” Kimberly guiltily stated, “We really are sorry.”

“We wanted to come see you,” Madison told her, “We talked about it all of the time.”

“Then why didn’t you?” Anita asked them, wanting a good exclamation. She deserved that much at least.

Nobody said anything for a long moment. Anita couldn’t tell if they honestly didn’t know what to say, or was waiting for somebody to speak, coming up with some bull shit, asinine excuse to cover for them all. She waited a few more seconds, crossing her arms over her chest. She was waiting very patiently.

“We got scared,” Taylor finally answered, “You were so sick...and...you were so wrapped up in your boyfriend. We just were afraid if we got too close, and you died, it would hurt all the more...ya know?”

Anita looked at them all, bowing their heads in shame. She could tell that what Taylor said was true by the way all four were acting. One thing she’d gotten good at was reading postures. She could tell when somebody was lying, when someone was uncomfortable, and even when sorry. They were definitely sincere and sorry. In a way, that made things all the worse in Anita’s mind, because it was a lame excuse.

“I still needed somebody,” Anita told them, “And I got left with nobody.”

“We’re sorry...” Kimberly said, “We missed you a lot...and were afraid of losing our best friend.”

“Well, I’m in remission...so no worries about that, unless it all comes back.” Anita told them.

She swore that she saw them all breath sighs of relief. Anita was utterly confused now because it seemed that they obviously cared. What was all of this about? Were they her friends or were they more of acquaintances? Where did things stand then, and especially now.

“We want things to go back to how they used to be,” Juanita stated, “When we were all best of friends.”

Anita sighed. She knew that she should be furious with all of them, telling them to get the hell out of her life forever. She couldn’t though. For some reason, Anita couldn’t bring herself to scream the words she told herself that she would all along. Instead, she felt like being rational and forgiving.

“We can’t go back to how things were right off,” she started, “But I’d be willing to start over and rebuild things.”

She saw all of them smile, and Anita knew that things were going to be okay. Making amends with the three was like a huge weight being lifted off of her shoulders. Anita stood up, and together, the five walked and talked, catching up on everything they had missed. Although this wasn’t nearly how Anita had planned things to go, it felt great to be part of a group again.

**Chapter Twenty**

Anita was restless. Summer break was just around the corner, her last final exam being that Wednesday...in two days from that point. The quarter had gone fast she hadn’t heard from Kevin still, in six long, agonizing months of total sadness. It was evident to her now, more than ever, that he just wasn’t going to contact her. He had never intended to, even from the very beginning. These thoughts had consumed most of Anita’s time, her attention span in classes not at its greatest. She was, however, managing to keep her grades up despite her constant mind-wondering.

The Backstreet Boys world tour had started a month before and they were touring clear over on the east coast for their remaining two weeks in the USA. After that, they were off to Europe. Anita grumbled at this. It figured she’d be in classes while they were near her, on the western half of the Country.
Anita wondered if Kevin had even thought of her once while they had their show in New Mexico. She highly doubted it, or else he’d have called. That was why she’d been developing a plan to put in to action. She needed to put her mind at ease and know what was going on and what had happened once and for all. She was determined, and nothing anybody could do or say could or would change her mind.
She knew it would take her a good three days to drive out there, which was what she intended on doing. She was going to find Kevin and confront him face to face, demanding an explanation. And that was entirely possible with the backstage pass she’d been fortunate enough to purchase on E-bay for a whopping $595.00 to their Philadelphia show. She’d had to fight for it, watching the auction for the last day to up her own bid whenever somebody outbid her. She’d won though, making the victory all the more special. If she was going to see Kevin again, she knew this pass was her only chance, anything else impossible. She needed the pass more than anybody else. She had business to take care of, and this was her only hope in fulfilling it.
The Philadelphia show was exactly four days after her exam. Time would be cut close, she knew, and she wanted to be there by noon of the day of the show. It would give plenty of time to calm her nerves, relax her body from the long drive and collect her thoughts, figuring out what she was going to say once she did see him so she didn’t sputter or shout out things that didn’t make sense. Anita knew she’d be angrier than ever once she was within conversing distance from the man, but she had to try not to scream or do anything rash.

Getting up, Anita went to the small closet, pulling out her suitcase. She flopped it on to her bed, starting to pull clothes out of the dressers, tossing them carelessly in to her suitcase without much thought. There would be days in-between Philly where she’d have to stay in hotels overnight. This was going to be almost like a vacation, packing a must.

“Whatcha doing?” Lisa asked, her eyes peeking over the top of her Anatomy b
ook, “Cutting out on exams?”

Anita shook her head, “Nope...road trip right after.” she grinned, “And I’ll be back on time for summer courses...lovely, beautiful summer classes. Joy!.” she faked enthusiasm. Lisa laughed, “But yeah, I’ve got some stuff I have to take care of next week, sooo...”

“Ah,” Lisa replied, “Have fun with that.” she returned to her book, and Anita knew the party girl was probably cramming for her final, which was likely that following day, “Stupid piece of shit...how am I supposed to know this.” she cried out from nowhere.


‘You know, if you’d actually show up to classes and not be hung over every morning, you might actually know something out of there.” Anita joked, causing her to get the finger. She laughed, “Just a thought.”

“Ha ha ha,” Lisa retorted, “Has anybody ever told you that you take life way too seriously.” she eyed Anita, waiting for a response as her roommates face fell. Anita had yet to tell her about her cancer bout only months before, “What? Did I offend you?”

“Nah...just, some crap happened to me last summer is all...kind of have to take things seriously and do what you can.” Anita shrugged.

“Whatever.” Lisa replied, “My motto is just that you have your whole life to act old, so have fun through the college years...the four years you are free from all obligation.”

Anita rolled her eyes as she closed her suitcase, snapping it shut. Lisa was a great person, and a cool friend, but her views weren’t always up to par. Then again, anybody who’d gone through cancer, every day you lived, you feared would be your last, would be the only ones to fully understand the seriousness of life. Anita didn’t want to mess around and risk her education and future. She wanted to do well, pass, succeed. Not only with college, but with life in general.

“You doing anything for your full two weeks off?” Anita asked Lisa.

“Sticking around...probably find some kick ass frat houses to hit up...ya know?” she smiled, “Find me a potential boyfriend.” Lisa sighed, “No more one-night stands for me.”

Anita laughed, “Good luck with that.” she said, “Maybe by the time classes start back up, we’ll both have boyfriends...or at least I’ll have mine back.” Anita seriously hoped that by the end of her likely nine day trip, Kevin would be hers again and everything would be okay. She had a feeling that it would be, suddenly unable to wait for the long drive she had ahead of her. Anita was ready to take it on.

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At 5:14 that Tuesday afternoon, Anita pulled in to the parking lot of the large arena in which the Boys were playing at. She was surprised to see that the lot was already well over half full. The show wasn’t to start until 7:30. As she turned off the ignition, Anita found that her hands were shaking. There was no doubt about it...she was a nervous wreck about seeing Kevin. She wondered if he would be happy to see her. That was the one thing that scared her...anticipating what his reaction would be. And she still had to wait about five hours to find out beings her pass wasn’t for until after the show.

Anita got out of her car, locking it, somehow finding the strength to make her legs move. At first she was shaky, walking as if it was her first time in years, just coming out of a paralysis. Eventually she moved more smoothly though, just like everybody else. She hugged her purse close to her as she made her way through the crowd, anxious to find her seat and sit, relax, until the show started. The warm up band was one called Click Five. It was a band she hadn’t yet heard of, but figured if they were opening for the Boys, they must be pretty special.

As she made her way through security and to her seat, Anita was disappointed to find that she was a little more than half way back in the venue. She knew her seat wasn’t up front, however she’d at least thought that she’d be closer. Either way, Anita figured she couldn’t complain too much. Out of the ninety-two thousand people who could be crammed in to the venue, only about twenty-four got to go backstage. She figured that in that aspect, she was very fortunate.


While sitting, waiting for the Click Five group to take stage, Anita went through the events of her journey there in her head. While in Texas, she’d gotten a flat tire, which had set her back two hours. In Kansas, where she’d stopped at a motel for her second night, the place had been a total dive. The sheets hadn’t been washed and the bathroom uncleaned. It was obvious that the room had gone untouched before her arrival. Other than those two events, nothing more really happened. She’d hit heavy traffic in a few major cities and had nearly fallen asleep at the wheel a couple of times, telling her it was time to pull over for a break. All in all, the trip had gone smoothly, and she’d made it to Pennsylvania, clear on the other side of the country, safely. She hoped that her trip home would be in happiness and her mission completed.

Before she knew it, Click Five was taking stage, their energy already high. The entire arena stood, Anita feeling obligated to do the same. After three songs though, she started to feel a little bit dizzy, feeling it best if she sat until the Boys came on. Anita found their music to be rather good. She enjoyed their sound, it being much like the Boys Never Gone material...a little pop, a little rock. They announced that their album would be coming out that summer, and Anita knew that she’d be buying it.

Twenty minutes later, the newly formed group left the stage, cheers loud coming from everywhere. Anita joined in, showing her appreciation as the darkened theater became dimly lit again from the lights around and above everyone. Anita leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes. She was beginning to wonder if maybe she should have waited to show up until right before the Boys performance. She felt tired and like she could use a couple of hours more sleep after the long drive. It was too late to turn back time now though. She had to stick it out until the end of the night.

Anita tried to envision her reunion with the Boys, mainly Kevin. She could see him being surprised to see her, then happy. They’d reunite with a large hug and kiss, her going back to his hotel room with him so they could catch up on everything that had happened in the past half of a year. They’d talk half the night, slowly becoming more affectionate, the night possibly ending in her losing her virginity to him. That was only if she gave in, deciding that weakness was a good thing in this instance. If she wanted to make him suffer, she’d make him get down on his hands and knees, begging for her to forgive him for leaving her alone and acting as if she’d never existed. Only then would she give in to the sexual temptations and pleasures.

Anita had gotten so caught up in her thoughts that before she knew it, the lights were dimming again, music starting. Shrieks came from every direction, Anita jumping to her feet to join in the chorus of screams. The became louder as one by one, the Boys ran out on to stage, taking their places behind their microphones. There was Nick, followed by Brian, AJ, Howie. Anita smiled as she saw each of the Boys again, kind and caring as they’d been when she’d met them, spending almost three months with them. Lastly, Kevin came out, taking his place behind Howie. Anita felt her throat tighten upon seeing him, tears clogging her throat that she wouldn’t allow to come. She couldn’t cry. She just couldn’t. As they began to sing, the screams became louder before dying down so that the Boys could be heard. Their voices came out amazingly, their energy a level higher than it had been in a long time. She noticed that Kevin’s was up full force, his cancer almost as if it had never existed. He moved so beautifully, keeping up with the others in the fast paced choreographed dances without a problem. Anita forced herself to smile, her eyes on him for the entire show, wondering if he sensed her presence. She knew that he couldn’t see her, but wondered if by some miracle, he could, standing there, fifty rows back.

Once the show ended, an hour and a half later, Anita waited for nearly everyone to file out before making her way to the front to where the backstage area would be. She pulled the pass out from beneath her shirt, clutching it in her hand as it dangled from the lanyard. Her breathing became heavy, her nerves a large jumble. She neared the ramp leading up to backstage, a large security guard blocking the way.

“May I help you?” he asked her.


Anita flashed him the pass, the man inspecting it for a second before stepping aside, letting her back, giving her quick instructions on where to go. Anita felt as if she were going to throw up as she walked, each step bringing her closer to Kevin. It was almost too much for her to handle, and she wondered if she’d made a huge mistake. It was too late to turn back time now though, and she knew that if she left, she would always wonder what would have happened.

By the time she reached the Boys, Anita saw that their was still a small group of girls around her age, give or take a few years, still having their meet-and-greet session. She stepped aside, out of view, letting them all finish up. What seemed to be an eternity later, the last of the girls left. It was only then that Anita stepped in to view. Kevin was facing the other way, but the other four were mingling together, immediately seeing her coming their way.

“Hey!” Nick greeted, bounding towards her to give her a huge hug, ‘What are you doing here.”

“Just came to say hi,” Anita whispered, hugging him back, “The only show I could get in to and actually see you guys.”

The others came over, each giving her a hug as well, equally glad to see her as she was to see them. Kevin still hadn’t noticed that she was there, and she was beginning to feel her bravery falter. Her body started to shake, wondering what she was doing. Did Kevin want to see her? If he did, wouldn’t he have spoken to her in the long time that had passed?

“Long time, no see,” Brian stated, his Southern drawl showing genuine happiness, “Where ya been, girl?”

Anita shrugged, unable to stop grinning, “Ask Kevin.” she mentioned, “He’d know the answer.”

She got several strange looks, each wondering what she had meant. It wasn’t her place to explain something in which she didn’t have the answers to though. Kevin was the only one who could tell them, as well as her, why he had failed to contact her. He was still oblivious to her presence, now on his cell phone with somebody, his back turned towards them all. Again, she found herself asking if he even wanted to see her. She wondered why he hadn’t called for the millionth time since his disappearance. She didn’t have time to answer her own questions before someone called for Kevin’s attention, and she looked, seeing that he was just now flipping his cell phone shut.

“Kev!” Brian called out, still smiling, “Look who’s here.”

Kevin turned around, and when he spotted her, he looked as if he saw a ghost. Anita couldn’t tell if he was happy to see her, disappointed, angry, as she stepped slowly towards him, stopping right in front of him a few mere inches away. She looked up, finding herself looking in to the same bright pair of green eyes she had looked in to during their first meeting so many months ago, that time seeming like an eternity had passed.

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Anita continued to stare up in to his eyes, feeling herself weakening, but she forced herself to stand her ground. Kevin’s expression was unreadable, and Anita didn’t see that as being a very good sign. She refused to show weakness though. She refused to cry. It was too soon for tears, as they’d only just met back up again. The tears would only come from disappointment if Kevin told her to pack back up and leave, returning home

“What are you doing here?”

Anita felt as if she’d been slapped with the first words that came from his lips. He didn’t look angry to see her, but not happy either. He looked shocked, almost as if he was seeing something he didn’t want to be. His first words though...they weren’t even a greeting. They were more of a demand. Him wanting an explanation, as if she were intruding, invading privacy by being there. It definitely wasn’t a reaction she’d been prepared for.

“To see you.” Anita replied despite her faltering posture, “I managed to get a backstage pass...because I had to see you, and with summer break here...” Kevin’s expression still didn’t change, “I just wanted to see if there was anything left between us.”

Kevin didn’t answer. By now the others were watching them, seeing what was going on between the reunited couple. They were confused when neither was speaking. Kevin looked utterly dumbfounded and Anita just looked angry.

“I don’t think you should...be here.” Kevin chose his words carefully.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” Anita questioned.

Kevin nodded, his eyes darting around nervously. Anita wondered what was going on. He was acting weird and as if he were hiding something. The question was, what? Anita soon found out when a woman stepped out of a back room, gliding over to them all. She was around five foot nine with long, curly strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes. She was slender, and even Anita had to admit that she was very attractive. But as she came closer, then wrapped her arms around Kevin, giving him a kiss on the side of the mouth, Anita felt that she was more than just part of stage crew or management or even a venue employee.

“Great show, sweetheart.” she cooed, then looked at Anita, then back to him, “Who’s this?” she questioned.

“And who is that?” Anita asked, now glaring at the woman. She hoped that her gaze was as evil as she envisioned it to be.


“Anita...” Kevin started, shooting her a warning look, “I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Kelly.” Anita’s eyes bugged out of her head, not wanting to believe what she was hearing, however she knew that she was hearing it by the way that they were holding on to one another, “Kelly, this is a friend of mine...Anita. We were in the hospital together way back. She just came to say ‘hey’ and see what was going on since she was in the area.” he smiled, hiding his lie well. Anita wondered now though if all she ever was to him was a friend.

“Oh, nice to meet you.” Kelly smiled, then turned back to Kevin, “I’m going to go wait on the bus, okay?” Kevin nodded, and she turned to walk away.

Anita watched, jealousy boiling within her veins. What was going on here? Had she driven all this way for nothing, when Kevin had obviously not even thought of her once since he’d left. It was almost as if he’d been brainwashed in to forgetting his entire past by the strange way he was acting. She waited until the woman, Kelly, was out of earshot before deciding to speak.

“You have a girlfriend?”

“Well, yeah...” Kevin replied guiltily, “I told you it was a bad idea for you to be here...I...” he stopped there, deciding not to tell her Kelly was the reason he hadn’t contacted her after his leave. A week before he was released, Kelly had called wanting to try to make things work again, and Kevin had agreed. He’d been so happy to have his long-time girlfriend back, that nothing else really mattered to him.

“You had a girlfriend back in New Mexico...ME!” she shouted, “What gives?”

“Anita...could we talk about this somewhere else...later...?”Kevin asked nervously, afraid someone else would hear.


“I want to talk about it here, and now. I drove two-thousand miles to see you. I think you owe it to me to at least talk.”

Kevin shut his eyes, hoping that nobody could hear her shouts. He didn’t want to be found out. He didn’t want to have to explain to everyone everything that had happened. He wasn’t willing to do so.

“Please, Anita...please, lets talk about this somewhere else. Let me meet you at your hotel room or something.”

Anita looked up in to Kevin’s eyes, seeing how desperate he was. She didn’t feel the least bit sorry for him, yet knew that if she didn’t want him to walk out on her, then she’d have to cooperate somewhat.

‘Fine.” Anita sighed, giving him directions to her hotel room, “When should I expect you?”

“Give me an hour and a half so I can clean up, go back to our hotel and let the guys and Kelly know I am going out. I’ll be there after that.”

Anita nodded, spinning around and walking away quickly. Kevin sighed, running a hand through his grown back hair. He knew that their encounter was not going to be pretty. In fact, he could almost guarantee that with Anita’s fiery attitude, and as angry as he’d made her, things could get rather ugly.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So you leave me cold, then the second you get back, find a new girlfriend without so much as a second thought about my feelings?” Anita screamed the second Kevin stepped in to her hotel room and the door was shut.

Just as promised, Kevin had shown up. Anita was furious, her anger building by the second. And when she saw him, she let her anger out, wondering what she’d done so long to make him do such a thing to her. What had she done to deserve it? Was it because she’d still been fighting cancer when Kevin had left, and he didn’t want to be a part of it, beings he was past his own? She wanted answers. She wanted the truth, no matter how much it were to hurt her.


Kevin just stared at her, unable to come up with something to say. Anita wondered what was going through his head, unable to look at him. He was hideous to her. Repulsive. Anita would have rather been looking at an animals ass in the local Zoo at that point. He just continued to stand there and stare, making Anita wonder why he’d even bothered to show in the first place. She then wondered why he didn’t just stand her up, again. It would have been easy...easier than his first escape from the hospital.

“So?” Anita demanded, “What gives? Why did you do that to me Kevin? I thought we had something special.”

“We did.” Kevin murmured defensively.

‘What was that?” Anita asked, hands on her hips. She glared at him, expecting a repeat of his answer She deserved an honest answer. She deserved to be able to hear his answer clearly. It was all she wanted now at this point.

“We did have something special.” Kevin stated more firmly, standing his ground, “We had something very special.”

Anita stared at the man, truly confused now. He was admitting that they’d had a connection, which was what she wanted to hear all along, yet she wasn’t as happy as she’d have liked to be. The trip wasn’t going nearly as she’d planned. Anita already knew she’d be returning to New Mexico disappointed and crushed.


“They why did you just leave...” Anita’s voice trailed off, no longer able to scream. She was angry, but just couldn’t yell, “Why did you disappear and me never hear from you again? Did you ever plan on contacting me, or was it your plan all along to...vanish?”

Anita didn’t get an answer for a long while. Kevin just stood there, looking downward. She wondered the meaning behind it, and could read on his face that he was regretful and sorry. It still didn’t change things though. What was done was done. She’d been bruised, and was now waiting for Kevin to respond to her questions. She waited another few moments before he finally found the words to speak, saying them as gently as he could.

“I...we had something great back in New Mexico...but...I knew that it wouldn’t last past that. It couldn’t. I didn’t think about it...when I was there, but the closer it came time for me to leave...I knew they would be my last days with you.”

Anita blanked, not able to believe what he was admitting to her. So it had been his devise all along. He’d never once had in mind that he was going do anything about their relationship. He hadn’t even been man enough to end things before he left. He hadn’t even been thoughtful enough to send a telegram to her saying “It’s over” His answer pained her more than she’d have liked to admit, but she hid it as best she could, having a new array of questions she wanted to have answered.

“That doesn’t explain why though.” Anita stated, “That’s all I am asking is why.” she sighed, “Was I not good enough? Is that why you returned to take care of business and then found a new girlfriend?”

Kevin sighed, not wanting to hurt the girl any more than he had. This answer she wouldn’t like at all, however she was wanting the stone-cold truth. He owed her that at least. She’d driven all that way to see him and ask what happened so she deserved to at least get what she had come for, if nothing else.

“First of all, you were good enough, and um, she isn’t a new girlfriend,” Kevin muttered, catching Anita’s attention. She looked at him, urging him to go on with her mind, “She was my girlfriend before I went in to the hospital.” Kevin cringed, knowing that her reaction was going to be a total blowup, not that he blamed her.

“You had a girlfriend the entire time we were together...you were two-timing her...me...you?” Anita sputtered angrily in disbelief, “I can’t believe you! You are...that...UGH!”

Kevin had nothing he could say. He knew he’d been wrong. He knew the entire time it was wrong of him, yet it didn’t stop him. He’d got so caught up in his feelings for Anita that he didn’t bother to stop it before something happened.

“Why?” Anita asked, “I thought you said that she couldn’t deal with your cancer?” she looked at him, “Was that a fucking lie too?”

Kevin shook his head, “No...she...the entire time I was in the hospital, she didn’t call but once..the first day I was in. She called once after that, but just to say it was all too much for her to handle.” he paused, “I suppose when you and I were together, I was kind of single, but kind of involved too. We never ended things...not really.” he sighed, “It’s complicated. I am so sorry for everything though. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Kevin gulped, looking up at Anita for the first real time since he’d entered her hotel room. He remembered just how beautiful she was. Her hair was grown out to just past the tops of her ears now, styled cute and feminine like until it became longer. He swallowed hard, beginning to see why he’d fallen for her in the first place.

“Did you ever love me?” Anita asked, fire still in her eyes, “Or was that just a ploy to pull me in and then stomp all over my heart in the end? Do more damage that way, right.?

“Yes.” Kevin replied without hesitation, for he knew in his heart that he had loved the girl very much, “I did love you.”.

“Do you still love me?” Kevin hesitated for a moment before nodding in all honesty, “Do you love her?”

“Yes...” Kevin’s voice trailed off, feeling the need to explain himself, “We’ve been together for a long time...five years.”

Anita closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She had so much she wanted to say to him, but not the right words to say it. She knew she’d get her point across, but afraid of what she left out being crucial information.

“You left me...someone who was there for you...never left your side, even through the worst of your condition for someone who left you when the going got tough.”

“It was just hard on her to...”

Anita cut Kevin off, “And you don’t think it was hard on me?” she shouted, “Every day, I cried. Every day, it killed me to see you suffering. Every day, I loved you and stayed by you, in and out of isolation. It is me who loved you. Do you truly think that she loves you?” Anita ranted, “Because let me tell you something, Kevin. Love does not run when things get rough. Love doesn’t run no matter what. Love sticks by your side.”

Kevin couldn’t reply to this, knowing that what Anita said was likely true. She had been there for him. He couldn’t say the same for his long-time girlfriend. Kevin was truly confused now, caught up in feelings he had thought he had left behind months ago, never to return again. True, he thought about Anita most days, wondering how she was doing, what she was doing, where she was. But for the most part, he lived his days as if she’d never come in to his life, deeming it better that way. Things were getting complicated again though.

“Kevin...she is only after your money. She was true to you until you got sick, then dumped you like a sack of piping hot coals because if you had died, hey, no more rich, famous boyfriend. Now you’re better, and she wants you again?” Anita shook her head in disgust, “Open your eyes, Kev. Think about it.”

Kevin winced, hearing her arsh words hurt his ears and stung his heart. He didn’t want to admit it, but knew what she said was probably true. This strung him more than anything though. Now he was honestly confused. He didn’t want to believe what Anita said, but if it was true, he didn’t want to carry on things with Kelly either.

“I don’t know...” he paused for a moment, “I...I’m caught in between feelings for both of you. I love both of you...and...it’s just...” he bowed his head in shame again.

“You can’t have both of us.” Anita informed him.

“Obviously.” Kevin replied, his voice dripping in a slight sarcasm.

Anita sighed, “When is your next show?”

“Day after tomorrow.” Kevin replied, “Tomorrow is kind of a relaxer day...we’ve been touring every day for ten.”

“Okay, then,” Anita thought, “Maybe I should just pack up and leave now. Maybe I am being too kind, but I will give you until the afternoon of your next show to decide...make a choice of who you want to be with. Think about it...truly weigh it out on both sides.” she paused, “I am beyond pissed, but I still love you, so...just think about it.”


Kevin sighed, not arguing. Her rationalization was kind and mature. He had a feeling that her screaming was done with, but he himself had a lot to work out in his mind and heart. He felt for each woman equally, honestly not knowing who he would chose. As Anita let him out of her room, he was already starting to think of who he felt he’d have the better relationship with. As of that point, both were neutral.

~*~Chapter Twenty-Two~*~

Burying his head in his hands, Kevin shook it, wondering what he was going to do. He was in such a tough position here, stuck between two women, both of whom he loved a lot. He was honestly was loss for the choice he was going to make, therefore had pushed it to the back of his mind. He knew he had to make a choice though, and had spent a good portion of the time Anita had given him forgetting all about it. He was down to sixteen hours now, and eight of those sixteen hours would be spent sleeping. He was running out of time to come up with probable cause to chose the woman he would. The debate in his head would now begin.

He replayed in his mind back to when he first met Kelly. A slight smile formed on his lips. He and the Boys bus had broken down. They’d had to get a cab to the airport in order to get to their destination on time. She’d been in the seat next to him. For the entire plane ride out, they had talked and by the time they had arrived, their numbers had been exchanged. Within two months, they’d been an official couple and three after that, she was touring with them most of the time. The relationship had evolved quickly, but there was something special about Kelly that had made it all seem so right.

He thought about her personality. Kelly was very independent in most aspects and had a positive way about her. She was confident in herself and didn’t take anything from anybody. She stood up for herself and if somebody put her down, she never let it get to her. She was sweet, nice, not a mean bone in her body. One drawback was that she had no sense of humor. He wasn’t asking for a practical joker. Nick had enough of that quality in him. But a little humor was good. Kelly was the type that took offense to somebody teasing her if she by small chance did something ditzy. Everybody had their ditzy moments, but Kelly didn’t know how to laugh at herself. Good hearted teasing was out of the question when directed towards the woman.

Kevin took this in to deep consideration before going on to the next set of facts. She was more his age. She was thirty-two...he was thirty-four. She was tall, standing a mere five four inches shorter than he was, slender. All in all, she was a great match for him for he was mature and had a similar personality type. Plus there was the fact that she was healthy, at least for the time being. He didn’t have to worry about her cancer re-evolving and losing her to such a nasty thing left to fate and the plans of mother nature.

But then there was Anita. The moment he’d seen her, he’d fallen for her. Even though they’d gotten off on the wrong foot, he knew he had to get to know her and they could have some great, close relationship and connection. The toughest part of that had been getting Anita to speak to him, which had taken some time. Once she’d caved though, letting her guard down, sparks had started flying on both parts instead of just on his.


Anita was definitely different than most girls he knew. She was sarcastic and to the point, speaking her mind. Once you cracked the hard shell though, you saw the sweet, kind and gentle girl beneath the surface. He could tell though that she held some kind of barrier though, reserved for the chance of getting hurt so she wouldn’t be too hurt. He could tell in her eyes though that he had in fact caused her a great deal of pain. It had been the last thing he wanted to do, which had been why he’d left and carried things on in the manner that he had. He never thought that he would see Anita again. There she was though, in the flesh, and he had all of these feelings coming back that he thought had been tucked away in the furthest corner of his heart. It was her personality that had drawn him to her though. Her fiery, witty, quick with the comebacks personality.

And then there was that smile. Her soft smile, not too big but not so small as to it looking forced. It was perfect, genuine. Even with her head shiny and bald, skin pale and body swollen and puffy from the treatments and steroids, she had been beautiful to him. Now, her hair was mid-way to her ears, styled cutely as it continued to grow. She was slender and lean, firm again. She looked normal and, well, gorgeous. She was five feet, two inches tall...an entire foot shorter than him, but that didn’t bother him at all. He felt his heart flutter at the thought of her.

There was her age though. She was nineteen, almost twenty. There was an almost fifteen year age difference. He was old enough to be her very young father...or even very old brother. The age gap was significant, but her charm hadn’t made him think of that, and in the even that it had crossed his mind, it hadn’t bothered him. Age was just a number, after all. As long as their was a connection there, age shouldn’t matter in the least.

Anita had battled cancer though, but was in remission. She was young and healthy, having a good chance of making it. But it could always come back. The thought of it coming back scared him, because falling in love with somebody who could die at any moment due to health issues was complicated. Who was he to talk though? He’d battled his own cancer. He’d almost died and Anita had stayed close by him. His cancer could come back at any moment two. They were both in the same predicament and both had the same risks against them. Kelly had run when he first found out about his cancer. Anita was right about that. Kelly had disappeared for months until he was well again and being released. Anita understood him completely, every aspect of his life, and had taken the time to get to know him inside and out, good and bad. She had never judged other than in their shaky beginning.

Kevin gulped. He replayed all of this information in his mind, which was going on overdrive. Each was special in their own way and held a large chunk of his heart. He was running out of time though to decide. One woman was going to get hurt, this he knew, but after a few more moments thought, he had made up his mind.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Anita’s heart was pounding as she waited for Kevin, the destination day rolling around quickly than she would have liked. He’d called her cell phone, telling her to meet her in a local park that was in the middle of their two hotels. She wondered who he was going to pick, confident that it was going to be her. They’d shared so much together and had bonded greatly. Their connection had been strong. Anita couldn’t imagine Kevin not choosing her. They were perfect for one another. They were meant to be together. Anita truly believed that God had brought them together for a reason. He had introduced them because they were supposed to be a couple. Anita just had to make an appearance and reminded him of that. After all, God wouldn’t be evil enough to make a cancer patient meet her idol and have them fall in love with one another only to tear them apart now, would he? Anita seriously doubted it.


So as she waited, Anita’s spirits were high, her attitude confident. She suddenly felt she had nothing to worry about, unable to tear the newfound smile off of her face. Kevin was about to become her boyfriend again. Her serious, steady boyfriend. There would be no strings attached, no more other girl in the back of his mind. He would be all hers. She’d be all he ever needed and give him everything any man would ever dream of. After all, he wouldn’t really have met her at her hotel room if he didn’t still have some sort of intense feelings for her, would he? It would be cruel and unusual. She didn’t think he’d dangle himself in front of her like that, make her long for him more than she already was, only to shoot her down. Or would he, only out of politeness?

Anita started to get confused all over again. She didn’t know what to think of the whole thing, and she’d started to get nervous, realizing that Kevin was already five minutes late. Was he going to stand her up? She’d just talked to him a couple of hours before, but was getting apprehensive about it all. Up until she saw a large, black limousine pulling up to the curb, stopping directly in front of her.

“Here we go,” Anita whispered to herself, her stomach in turmoil. She was about to get her answer.

As Kevin stepped out of the limo and strode over to Anita, she couldn’t help but smile at him. He was dressed casually in a pair of baggy cargo style blue jeans and a green shirt that matched the shade of his eyes. The green eyes that she could easily get used to drowning it by staring in to them. By the way he smiled back at her as he neared, Anita got a mere amount of confidence back that she’d be able to get used to staring in to them.

“Hey there,” Kevin greeted as Anita stood from the park bench. They hugged one another before sitting again, “How are you? How’ve you been?”

“Good,” Anita answered, “How about you?”

Kevin shrugged. She could tell by the look in his eyes and the expression on his face that he hadn’t slept and was exhausted. He seemed drained of energy and Anita suddenly realized just what he’d been through. It was kind of what she had put him through by putting him in the position of making him choose. She felt no regrets though. This was just a couple of days. She deserved to know. If she hadn’t tried, she’d always wonder.

“It’s good to see you again,” Kevin smiled softly at her, “You look good.”

“You too,” Anita breathed, not believing that Kevin Richardson just told her she looked good. She knew that this shouldn’t come as any surprise to her. She had, after all, been in a relationship with him. He’d told her she was beautiful on a regular basis. His compliments and telling her he was glad to see her though, that told her that she was the one, ‘Really good.”

She could see a small blush creeping up on the older mans cheeks but it soon faded back down to his natural color. He shifted his gaze away from her for a second, repositioning himself on the bench. He seemed nervous to her, uncomfortable almost.

“So um,” he finally said, looking back up at her, “I’m guessing you’re wondering who I’ve chosen, aren’t you?”

“Um, yes...” Anita’s voice trailed off, “That kind of is why we’re meeting here now, right? So I can hear if you want to pursue things with me or that other wo...I mean, Kelly.” she corrected herself, deciding that being civil was in her best interest.

Kevin chuckled lightly. There it was, her sarcasm and wit that had drawn him to her in the first place. God, how he loved her personality, and boy had he fallen in love with her. Her spunk made her fun and she had such a great sense of humor. She knew how to laugh at jokes and at herself, not taking life so seriously.

“Well, first of all...I thought really hard about it. I truly weighed out the decision and thought it out thoroughly,” Kevin looked up at Anita, “It was a tough decision to make. You’re both wonderful people.”


Anita just stared at him with a blank look in her eyes, and expression telling him to move on. She was dying to know, hear him say out loud that he was going to, or already had broken up with Kelly and they could carry on with their relationship as if no time had passed, or start over again. Either way, they were going to be together. She could just feel it.

“In the end though...”Kevin paused, “In the end...I think it would be best if I...stayed with...Kelly.” he stopped, waiting for her reaction. So far, there was nothing. Her eyes were blank, staring at him with such an unreadable look. She was frozen in place and in time, “Anita...”

Anita flinched, inhaling deeply and exhaling just the same. He wondered if she’d heard a word he had spoken, knowing that she had when she shook her head, fire blazing in her eye suddenly. It was an intense anger he’d never seen before.

“What?” she asked, her voice rising as she flew from her seat, “You chose Kelly? After all we shared...after leading me on...after all I did for you, you are choosing her?”

“I’m sorry Anita,” Kevin apologized, standing up slowly, and she could tell by his tone that he truly meant it. That didn’t change anything though. Her feelings for him were still strong, but she felt as if she’d been punched in the gut, “I just feel it would be...she’s a better match for me. We have more in common...something...” he stopped, knowing that no exclamation would make sense to her. It really didn’t make sense to him as he ran a hand through his dark hair.

“You’ll regret this,” Anita stated coldly, “You’ll regret it. You’re nothing but a fucking ass hole who doesn’t care about anybody’s feelings...”

“You know that isn’t true, Anita...” Kevin cut her of, placing his hands gently on her shoulders calmly in attempt to comfort her.

“Yes, it is...I hate you Kevin Richardson,” she cried, tears finally freeing themselves from her eyes, “You toyed with me for your own sick pleasure and I HATE YOU for it...I HATE YOU!”

Anita had to get away from him. She couldn’t look at him or be near him. She was so upset. She just had to get away. She roughly pulled herself away from him as she ran, ran as fast as she could to her car, crying hard, shaking violently the entire way there on legs so wobbly that it was a miracle that they could carry her without looking back. She didn’t even notice Kevin running after her, calling her name.

~*~

Tears fell furiously from Anita’s eyes as she drove her car away, far away, as fast as she could, from Kevin. He’d hurt her more than he would ever know. Him making the choice to be with Kelly had been a low blow. Had nothing she did for him mean a thing? Was it all just temporary happiness until he could have what he wanted? Anita felt as if she’d just been a time passer...somebody to be there until something better came alone. It just so happens that the something better had left Kevin when he needed her most. Kevin had left Anita though for that woman, completely dismissing all of that from his mind.

Cranking up her radio, she blasted the song of Get Another Boyfriend on a CD she’d burned months ago. The CD was full of anti-boyfriend songs. She’d been so sure that she’d be able to tuck it away, replacing it with an album full of love songs. She’d been wrong, and the windows shaking with the same intense anger that she felt was proof of that.

“I FUCKING HATE HIM.” Anita screamed at the top of her lungs, furious with him.

She continued to drive, unable to wait until she got home. All she wanted was to be back in her dorm room, curled up in her own bed. She was thankful that she’d thought to pack up her things at the hotel earlier that day. Then again, she’d been so sure that she’d be following the Boys to their next destination.


Her tears started to fall harder as everything became all the more real. None of that was going to happen now. She’d return home and miss him for months, unable to bring herself to date because of what he’d done to her. She’d move throughout her life like a robot, going through the motions, not really noticing what she was doing or remembering anything. Soon enough, she would find some strength within her and start her life over. Kevin would be just a distant memory, popping up every now and then in the back of her mind. She knew that the recovery period would be long. That went without saying, and it seemed impossible that she’d ever truly be okay after this intense, in person breakup. Her violent, blinding tears were proof of this as she continued to drive at speeds fast enough to get her license suspended and thrown in jail
overnight.

“ I can’t believe him...” she sobbed out loud, everything in front of her blurred in to a big multi-colored blob.

Nothing seemed real anymore to her. Love seemed completely fake and made up. If love was real, Kevin wouldn’t have shoved her through the dirt, treating her like something he’d stepped in along the way. She felt so insignificant and meaningless. He was from the world of fame and fortune. She was from a world of middle class and the average person. She’d been foolish to believe that he would actually like her. That didn’t help her overflowing emotions though. Nothing in her life had ever made her so upset. She felt that nothing was fair as she looked down at her milage. She’d only driven a full five miles, knowing that she had a journey that would seem like an entire lifetime ahead of her. None of that mattered though. In three days, she’d be home, this part of her life far behind her. There was no way she was looking back this time. After all, look where it had gotten her.

~*~
“Damnit, Anita, pull over,” Kevin muttered as he drove closely behind her.

After Anita had gotten in to her car, flying out of the park, he’d quickly made his limo driver take position in the passenger seat as he drove the extra large vehicle at a matching speed to Anita’s car. He had to catch her. She’d been going for seventeen miles now, and still had yet to slow down. She was driving so fast, determined to get away from him. He had to catch her though. The second she’d stepped away from him, Kevin realized that he’d made a mistake. Or had he? He was definitely having second thoughts. It was as if all of his good times with Anita were coming back to him in a photo album of memories. Snapshots kept flashing through his mind, her smile. In a few months, he had more memorable times with Anita than he could remember in all of his time with Kelly. He just had to catch her and tell her. Kevin knew that he had to make things right between them before he lost his chance. If Anita got away, he knew the odds of him seeing her again were slim to none. He didn’t know where she lived exactly or where to find her. It was definitely now or never.

Kevin was so close behind her that he could see her tear streaked face in the mirrors. She was completely distraught, that much was obvious. He honked the horn twice, but she was completely oblivious to everything. Kevin was unaware of everything around him as well, ignoring the true driver of the limo’s pleas for him to slow down. The words swirled around Kevin’s head in mid-air though, him completely not listening nor comprehending them. He was in a panicked state of mine. He had to get her to pull her car over.

Traffic was picking up, cars from all over appearing from nowhere. It was right around that time that people got off of work. He was worried that if he lost her in the crowd of people, it would be too late. Kevin’s mind was so wrapped up in getting to her that returning on time for the show that night had completely been dismissed from his mind. He refused to go back unless Anita was with him. He wanted her in his life no matter what the sacrifices or consequences.


Everything he’d thought of while trying to decide which girl was best suited for him had pointed to Anita. Anita was all around a better match. Even when he told himself he was going to be with Kelly, he felt he was making a mistake, but forced the thought out of his mind. How could he have ignored such obvious signs? It had been stupid on his part. His intuition had pointed to Anita all along. She was perfect for him in every way but age. Age was the only advantage that Kelly had on her, and Kevin had even told himself that age didn’t matter. He had meant it. So why had he let that small, insignificant fact persuade his mind away from her?

Kevin was completely wrapped up in his thought as he drove at over ninety miles an hour following her that the next series of events passed by in a blur. A loud honk brought his attention back to reality and then it happened. He saw Anita jerk her car to the left, then the right to miss hitting a car in front of her but she never slowed down. She hit gravel on the side of the road, losing control of the car as it spun out of control. Kevin’s breath caught in his throat as he slammed on the breaks of the limo to avoid making further damage, but he couldn’t tear his eyes off of Anita’s car as others behind the came to a deafening, screeching halt. He felt as if he were going to vomit as he watched, his breath coming out in shaky, short breaths as he watched. Her car flipped, rolling several times as it rolled down an embankment, finally stopping as the car ran in to a tree head first. As Kevin flew out of the limo, he saw that the car was crunched beyond recognition.

“ANITA.” he screamed as he found his voice, running down the hill to get to her as a spectator called for 911.

Kevin didn’t know if he ever made it to Anita’s smashed car, for he blacked out before he got there.

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

Kevin tried to keep his emotions in as he listened to the minister give his speech about the miracle of life and how death comes and is un-preventable, that when your time comes, nothing can stop it no matter what. Kevin thought about this, for the exclamation didn’t make sense. It sounded as if the man were saying that if it wasn’t a car accident Anita had been in at that moment, then she would have drown, or been electrocuted to death, or choked to death, or something else. Kevin didn’t believe it. If it hadn’t been for her leaving, she would still be alive and well. Kevin knew that for a fact. The only reason she’d been killed was because he’d run her out by a simple, stupid mistake that he had made. He should have stopped her from driving. As distraught as she’d been, she had been in no condition to be out on the road. He should have done more to stop her from leaving, done more than just chase her. He should have sat her down, making her stay until she had calmed down some. Kevin couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the what-if’s, beating himself up over it. He had so many regrets, none of which could be changed now. It was too late for anything.

Once the minister was finished with speaking, everyone was aloud to line up to one by one say their final goodbye’s to Anita. Kevin swallowed, taking a place last in the line, trying to keep up a tough act as he waited. He recognized a few people in front of him as being Anita’s friends, Madison, Kimberly and Juanita. He also recognized Taylor, who was solemn. Kevin could tell that he still cared a lot about the girl who was now gone. There were quite a few people Kevin didn’t recognize, however Kevin assumed that they were family and other friends.


When it was eventually Kevin’s turn, he stepped up, looking down into the open casket. It was only then that a wave of emotions hit Kevin. A sea of tears started to fall down his cheeks as he choked on a sob. Kevin took her hand in his, the feeling soft. She looked the same as she always had. Her dark hair was now long, a wig, Kevin assumed, spilling over her shoulders just as it had in his first weeks with her, makeup put on her face to make her look as beautiful as she always had, covering up her once tear-streaked face. She was wearing a white dress with small pink flowers on it, the dress only hitting her knees, the spaghetti straps hugging her slender shoulders. She looked to be at peace, happy. He had put her out of her emotional suffering. Squeezing her hand, Kevin began to speak, his voice coming out cracked and shaky.

“I’m so sorry, Anita,” he began, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s all my fault though that it is. I m..mi...miss you though, more than you’ll ever know. I just wish I could somehow make it up to you, but I can’t.” he bent down and kissed her tenderly on he forehead, wishing that she could reach up and kiss him back, waiting a second as if she were going to.

He sighed, the hardest part of it knowing that she had hated him senseless right before her death. He had still loved her, but foolishly overlooked it for Kelly. What hurt the most though was that she had died, thinking that she wasn’t good enough, when in reality, he knew that he wasn’t nearly good enough for her. She’d been too good, staying faithful and true, her feelings never changing, her attitude never for playing games. He had been the same, before being caught up in the middle of a love triangle in which had gotten him in trouble.

Kevin stared down at Anita, knowing that it was time to go and it would be the last time he’d ever see her. He didn’t want to though, unable to tear himself away. He wanted to have her in his life forever. He wanted to be with her. He didn’t want this to be the last moments he ever saw her. He knew that his time with her was short though. It was now time for Kevin to say goodbye for good. Forever was a long time though. Kevin couldn’t picture living without her for that long, but knew it had to be done as he forced himself to tear away from her, walking away without looking back.

“You alright?”

Kevin stopped and turned, realizing that his friends had been waiting for him and he’d walked right past without realizing. Brian was the one who’d spoken, his voice soft and concerned, only looking out for his grieving cousin. Kevin found himself wiping some tears from his eyes in attempt to dry their dampness.

“Peachy.” Kevin replied, “Fucking peachy.”

“It isn’t your fault.” Howie stated truthfully, “It was an accident.”

“And we’re all upset.” Nick informed him, “We all really liked Anita. She was a great girl.” Nick paused, “I’m really sorry, man.”

Kevin couldn’t find the words to speak. All he could think about was that Anita was no longer with them. If he had chosen her over Kelly, things would be so different. He wouldn’t be so deserted on the inside. He would have the girl he’d wanted all along. It was only now that he realized that she had been it. All along though, his heart had told him it was Anita, while his mind told him that he should be with Kelly. In the end, he’d chosen what his mind had told him. His heart had been outweighed and then broken.

“Why don’t ya say we get out of here?” Howie stated, seeing the longing in Kevin’s eyes, the suffering, the regret.


They slowly walked out, leading the way with Kevin following. In a sense, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to be there with Anita for always. He didn’t want to believe that she was gone, feeling that if he was with her, she really wouldn’t be. He knew he had to face reality though, and with that reality came the harsh truth. The only thing that Kevin knew for sure was that he couldn’t live in this lie any longer. He had to set things straight once and for all while he still had the nerve and reason to do so in his messed up, distraught mind set.

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A week had passed since Anita’s funeral, and Kevin still regretted not changing things sooner. He felt as if he were at fault. The Boys continued touring , however Kevin just couldn’t seem to concentrate on his part of each show. He forced himself to go through the motions he knew so well, however he still found himself stumbling over his lines, or pausing in the middle of dances, even tripping over himself.

That nights show had gone particularly bad. When his part of The Unloved came, he’d completely froze. Brian and Nick had both started to fill in at the same time. By the time Kevin realized what was happening, it had been too late to make things correct. All he knew was that he had to keep his mind on everything, concentrate, not let his mind wander. He had to forget about Anita’s death, as hard as that might be, during the hour and a half of show time. He knew that somehow though, that wouldn’t be possible.

Another thing had been on his mind too during that week. He’d had business to take care of, however, he hadn’t found the nerve to fulfill it the night of her funeral, as well as every day since then. His feelings told him though that he couldn’t go on the way he was any longer. There for, that night, he was going to put an end to things that had been on his mind for ten days now. It was the right thing to do.

Kevin sighed, looking down at his watch. He numbers blurred in to one making it so he was unable to see. His eyes burned and felt puffy from all the tears that had fallen. Kevin didn’t know how men got the reputation of being completely unemotional without any compassion, because he himself was proving this to be wrong. He stared in to space as he picked up his mug of French Vanilla coffee, taking a sip of the hot liquid. It tasted like cardboard to him, but it was helping to calm his nerves. He needed his nerves calmed as he sat there alone in the Starbucks, waiting for Kelly to arrive.

Turning his head, he glanced out of the window. The sky was darkened from both the time of night as well as a storm that was rolling in. Black clouds filtered the sky waiting for the perfect moment to open up, letting a downpour of rain wash down upon the earth. The weather fit his mood and what was about to happen. He was sure that the rain would fit Kelly’s mood as well as soon as she knew what this was about. The difference was he was upset over losing Anita whereas she’d be upset over losing him. Kevin could honestly say though that his relationship with Kelly wasn’t going anywhere. He saw now that he’d just been afraid of letting go of something that had seemed permanent and sure in his life. Something he could count on to always be there weather he truly wanted it there, or in his case, not. Kelly had been an assurance that he wouldn’t be alone. She was there for the long haul. Kevin knew though that it wasn’t fair on her to stick around just for that. It wasn’t fair to himself. Both deserved to find somebody that loved them back as much as they loved he or she.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.”

Kevin looked up to see Kelly coming towards him. She bent down to kiss him, and he held back. Returning the relationship gesture would only lead her on, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t make this any harder on her than it was already naturally going to be. She rounded the table, sitting down in a chair right next to Kevin.

“No problem,” he replied, forcing a tired smile, “I’ve just been thinking.”


“Oh...” Kelly’s voice trailed off. Kevin could tell by the look in her eyes that she already sensed something wasn’t quite right. He wondered if she suspected what this evening was all about. In a way, Kevin hoped that she did. She could prepare herself for the blow. If she was somewhat prepared, then maybe it wouldn’t be quite so hard on her.

“So, um, how are things?” Kevin asked lamely.

“Good...but considering I’ve been on tour with you...you already know this.” Kelly replied, giving Kevin a strange look. Kevin just shrugged, tearing away at the edges of his cup. Kelly sighed, “Kev, what’s going on?”

Kevin swallowed. His attempted at small talk leading up to the breakup was backfiring. Kelly definitely knew something was going on now. He closed his eyes. He just couldn’t win. By staying with Kelly, he was only hurting himself, but by ending things, he was hurting her.

“Yes, um...there’s something I kind of need to tell you,” Kevin stated. Kelly just stared at him expectantly, “When I was in New Mexico...I kind of had a girlfriend there.” He stopped and looked at Kelly. She looked as if she’d been slapped. Kevin took her hands in his, rubbing them softly. She didn’t move, but didn’t speak either, “She’s the girl who you met after the show two weeks ago.”

“Okay, so she came to see you...you dated.” Kelly managed to get out, “But you ended things with her. What’s the problem?”

“See...she was killed...a week an a half ago,” Kevin stated, choking on his words as a few tears fell, “I loved her...a lot...and I realize that I just can’t...I wanted to be with her.”

“It’s understandable...you’re upset...someone you loved died...”

Kevin could tell that she didn’t quite understand completely..Either that she was trying to ignore the facts that were so blatantly obvious. Kevin was going for the latter. He wished she wouldn’t do this though. He wished she didn’t have that panicked look in her eyes, desperate to keep things going when she knew that they were ending. Kevin wasn’t going to change his mind, no matter what.

“I still love her. I...I don’t think that you and I should be together any longer...” Kevin winced at how harsh he sounded. He’d wanted to break it to her gently. He could see the tears starting to fall from her eyes now, although it had taken a second for it all to sink in.

“Are you sure?” Kelly asked. Kevin nodded, “Okay...well then...I guess...I guess I should be going.”

Kevin nodded, “I guess...” he didn’t know what to say. What did you say to somebody you just ended a relationship with, “I’m sorry.”

Kelly shrugged, wiping her tears away as she stood up. Kevin stood too and gave her a quick hug. When they pulled away from each other, Kelly grabbed her purse. She stood there for a second. It was as if time were standing still.

“I guess I’ll be going then...um..now,” Kelly said softly, “You coming?”

Kevin shook his head, “No, I think I’m going to stay here for a little while longer.”

Kelly nodded, pausing for another second before she walked away. Soon the door was opening and then she was gone. Kevin had a feeling that it would be the last time he saw her. By the time he got back to the hotel, Kelly would be long gone. One chapter in his life was over. He didn’t know how long it would take him to heal from Anita, and he knew that it wasn’t even close. He was no longer living a lie though. He could grieve properly. Kevin sighed again. He felt completely lost, alone and empty inside.

**Epilogue**

Kevin still couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that his Anita was gone. Gone forever. And all because of him. He was the reason that she’d come looking for him, and the reason that she’d left in such a fury of tears. He was the reason she’d been so distraught that she wasn’t paying attention to driving and the reason she’d wrecked and been killed instantly. He was the reason for all of it and he felt so guilty. Every day of his life for the past thirty-three days he felt the guilt and not once had it left him.

With a sigh, Kevin dressed up, knowing that for another night, he’d have to put on a happy, energetic front and just go through the motions. That’s all he’d been doing since Anita’s funeral. It was getting old, but it was something he had to do because of his career. At first, when given the option by the others who knew his grief, Kevin had felt touring would be a good idea to try and take his mind off of everything, but now he realized it had been a mistake. Now, if he had a choice, he would sit at home and let all of his hurt and frustrations out, but he couldn’t because of the mistake of a decision he’d made. Not for another month, and even then, it would be hard to find time that wasn’t already being consumed by pre-made schedules for him.

“You ready?”

Kevin looked up, forcing a big smile that he knew was obviously fake to AJ and the others standing behind him. They all held concern in their eyes, but knew better than to bring it up for fear that Kevin would have some sort of emotional breakdown.

“Yep,” Kevin replied, but he didn’t move. He just blanked out, wishing that Anita was there to watch the show and he had her to run to and meet up with afterwards. He still couldn’t believe that Anita had beaten Leukemia, but then just months later, died anyways. She would still be alive if he hadn’t messed with her feelings, leaving her cold, alone and confused back in New Mexico wondering what was going on. If he had just ended it before he left or kept in touch at least, things would be so different right then, or if he’d kept things going and brought her with him. He could enjoy being alive and she would be too.

“Kev.”

Kevin was beginning to wish that he had just died of the infection so many months ago. It would have been easier that way. He felt tortured and alone, not knowing how he was going to make it feeling so guilty. He missed Anita more than he could ever begin to express. He missed her fiery, stubborn attitude. He missed her sarcasm and how she didn’t take shit from anybody. He missed her sweet side and how she felt wrapped up in his arms. He would never have any of that again. Not with her.

“KEVIN.”

Kevin looked up, distracted. He realized he’d spaced out again by the looks on everybody’s faces. They weren’t annoyed or angry, but rather worried. They’d been so patient with him through all of this. He was trying to stay strong in front of everybody and had since it happened, but was losing that struggle quickly.

“You okay?” Nick asked, understanding more than any of them what the girl had meant to him. He had seen first-hand before Kevin had worsened. The couple had definitely had a strong, unique connection.

“Kind of have to be, right?” Kevin answered as he took in a deep, shaky breath with a small smile, but before he knew it, his smile fell as did a stream of tears he’d been holding in for so long.

It didn’t take long before he was enveloped in the arms of his four friends and ‘brothers’, ready to comfort him with any means necessary. Nobody spoke. They just let him sob on their shoulders, letting out his grief that had obviously been held in for more time than it should have been. It was all coming out at once now, the pain, the stress, the guilt, slowly flooding out with the wet tears. The feelings weren’t all gone, but they were relieved somewhat, making Kevin wonder why he’d wanted to stay so strong.

It was a good twenty minutes before the weeps died down, Kevin wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. One by one, the others let go of him, wondering if their friend who’d been through so much was going to be alright. Kevin looked up at them through blurred vision, sensing he needed some kind of exclamation for his collapse.

“I just miss her so much,” he explained meekly.

“We know.” was all Brian said, figuring they all understood without making Kevin go in to details.

They all sat there without moving or speaking, letting Kevin calm down for few minutes. Inhaling a few deep breaths, Kevin finally got his emotions in check and under control, knowing that this would only be the first of many breakdowns.

“You really need to get out there...”

The five looked up to see Chris, a member of their stage crew, in the doorway. He looked anxious, probably due to the riots the fans were causing by this point in an excited, restless frenzy to see the Boys in action.

“Tell them its okay to start in five.” Brian stated, nodding at Chris to let him know he was dismissed. He turned to Kevin, “Let’s try to get through tonight and we’ll decide from there what we should do. Sound like a plan?”

Kevin nodded, knowing that for that night, it was too late to turn back time and leave. He had to get through it somehow. He knew he’d have to get through the rest of the tour somehow, finding a strength within him he wasn’t sure was there or not yet.

Standing up, Kevin knew what he had to do as he followed the others out on to stage, just going through the motions for yet another night...the motions that were all so familiar to him now.

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“So, what’s it gonna be?” Howie asked casually as he looked at Kevin over a medium sized table top.

After the show, they’d managed to sneak away to a small restaurant half an hour outside of town. The place was basically deserted, making it easy for them to relax and talk without being mobbed by hundreds or even thousands of fans.

Kevin shrugged, now unsure of if he could make it another four weeks. That night had been rough, for every love song they sang, weather it was a strong love or a dying love, Kevin choked up on the words of the song. He’d thankfully swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, continuing on as if he hadn’t a worry in the world, acting like he always had up on stage, however he knew at some points, his slip-ups had been noticed by the other Boys. The fans, however, didn’t seem to detect anything was out of the ordinary.

“I’m not sure,” Kevin sighed, taking a long drink from his bottle of beer, hoping that for one night, the effects of the alcohol would make him feel numb and care-free. Just one night to escape, “I don’t know how much more I can do of this...”

“If you need to, we can always postpone the remainder of the tour...or do so whenever you need to...” AJ offered

Kevin sighed, not knowing what he wanted. On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to crawl up in his bed and die, or just drown out his sorrows in silence and on his own time and terms. On the other hand though, he wanted to continue on and finish off the tour as scheduled, making the best of it like he’d been trying to do all along.

“I think that Anita would want you to continue on though,” AJ added, finishing off where he’d left his prior sentence lingering, “She’d want you to be happy.”

Kevin snorted, “I highly doubt that.” he replied, “She’d want me to suffer and rot in hell after what I did to her.”

He got no replies, letting it be known that the others agreed. This didn’t make him feel any worse though. It wasn’t even possible for him to feel worse.

“You know,” Nick finally stated, “Sure, she was pissed, and I don’t blame her...but I don’t think that Anita would have wanted you to do this to yourself, Kev...maybe at first, but she was reasonable enough...”

Kevin shrugged again, not knowing what he wanted or what Anita would have wanted for him. He’d want Anita to be happy, doing what she would have wished for. The last words she’d spoken to him though had been her screaming “I HATE YOU” at the top of her lungs.

They all were distracted when a singer who was on stage walked off, the music suddenly stopping. All was silent while there was a break, a new singer getting ready to take the small platform stage.

“Maybe,” he sighed, “I just wish that there was a sign...to let me know its okay for me to go on...I mean, naturally be sad, but not...do what I’m doing. Let me know its okay to let go of the guilt.”

“Isn’t it enough that she helped you survive that nasty infection and cancer...” AJ’s voice trailed off, “She was there for you, man...you’re in remission. Without her there to support you, do you honestly think you’d have made it this far?”

Kevin shook his head, knowing that he wouldn’t have. Every time he felt like giving up, and started to, he thought of Anita’s smile, and even in his dreams, it forced him to hang on to life and not let death take over. He’d improved because of her encouraging words and just being there for him. If it hadn’t been for Anita, Kevin knew that he wouldn’t have made it. He would have died in isolation long before the infection took a nosedive for the worst.

Only minutes later, an announcer came over the loudspeakers, his voice calm and soft, introducing the new singer on to stage...Miss Anita Lopez.

This got everybody’s attention as a small framed Latina woman took the stage, her hair soft and dark, her features young. She looked a lot like Kevin’s Anita, with a twist of differences to give her her own unique look, singing her own cover of I Will Survive in beautiful, harmonious notes. They were all silent for the first minute of her singing, just watching and listening.

“There’s your sign.” Brian stated, nodding towards the stage.

Kevin thought for a moment, listening to the words, making him wonder if Anita was there in spirit, beings the singers name, her looks and the song were such an odd coincidence. A small, sad smile formed on his lips as the artist, Anita Lopez, seemed to look him square in the eye as she sang, him knowing that it was in fact his sign.



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