Swollen Issues II - Chapter 1

Laying on the couch, Nick tried to find a comfortable position to ease his stomach and the pain that was in his back. Since he had returned from Japan, the nausea had never went away and Nick knew he was running a slight temperature. Instead of heeding the doctor's advice to get himself checked out when he returned to the states, Nick tried to doctor himself and took any and every over the counter medication and home remidie could lay his hands on.

Positioning himself on his back, Nick tried to will the pain to go away.

"Okay, it's going from my stomach towards my back and into the couch," Nick mumbled out loud to one of his dogs that decided to keep an eye on it's master. The dog cocked his head off to one side as Nick mumbled and moaned from the pain.

Annoyed with the pain and the nausea, Nick gingerly sat up and grabbed the cordless telephone from the coffee table. "Dammit, this isn't getting any better!"

Hitting star 5 on the keypad, he waited a few moments for Howie to answer the telephone.

"Howie, this is Nick."

"Hey speak up, I can barely hear you," Howie sharply advised.

Clearing his throat, Nick tried again. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can make it for the cruise."

"What? What's wrong? Why can't you go, we've already had programs made up, people are expecting you Nicky. It's too late to change anything since we leave tomorrow!"

"I know.. I know and I'm really sorry too, but...." Nick hesitated when it came time for the explanation. He debated on telling Howie the truth, the he was sick, but that was getting a little too old. "I.. um, well, there's a family emergency. I'm sorry but I just can't make it."

"Is everything okay?" Howie asked quietly.

Nick could hear the disappointment in his friend's voice. He felt badly for abandoning him with Caroline's charity. He wanted to talk some more, but his stomach was telling him that he needed to be doing something else.

"I'm sorry D, but I gotta go."

Not even waiting for a reply from Howie's side of the phone conversation, Nick shut the phone off and quickly darted to the bathroom before he got sick on the floor.

'God, when is this going to stop?' Nick wondered as he knelt down and waited to make sure he was finished being sick. He tried to think back about when this had all started. The part that scared him the most was that he couldn't remember when he didn't feel sick.

Wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand, Nick slowly stood up and walked towards the bathroom sink. Looking in the mirror at his pale reflection, he noticed the dark circles under his eyes. The mumps were finally gone and his face and neck were back to normal proportions. Splashing cool water on his face, he missed the intended target and a handful of water hit his chest, soaking the front of the tee shirt.

Nick shook his head as he left the bathroom in search of a dry shirt. "Can't do anything right lately," he mumbled as he opened the dresser drawer and pulled a frest shirt out. Slipping it off, Nick caught sight of himself in the full length mirror. The mumps had left, but his stomach still looked swollen and distended.

He thought it was odd that although he had been getting sick everyday 3 or 4 times a day since he can remember back from Japan, he looked like he was gaining weight instead of losing it. "I guess I really need to be really serious about going on a diet," Nick decided as he pulled the shirt on.

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“Nick.... Nick? Great! He hung up on me!” Howie sighed as he stared at the
receiver. He immediately speed dialed Kevin’s cell phone number.

Brian and Leighanne were taking advantage of the Georgia sunshine, lounging
by the pool in their backyard, the dogs scampering back and forth, playing.
Rolling up his pantlegs, Brian plunged his feet into the inviting blue water of
the pool. Just as his second foot hit the water, the phone rang.

 

“Yeah?” Kevin drawled into the phone.

Hoping that he didn’t interrupt anything with Kevin, he decided it would be
best to just plunge into the heart of the situation; not slowly lead up to it.
“Nicky called me a few minutes ago and cancelled his appearance on
Caroline’s Cruise.” Howie listened intently for any background noise or
slight comment that Kevin would utter, scared to death that he broke into
Kevin’s sacred quality time with Kristen. He was rewarded right away with the
sound of Kevin groaning into the receiver.

“Okay, so Nick cancelled, that’s nothing new for him lately,” Kevin replied
with an icy tone in his voice.

“No, Kev, you don’t understand. He called me and he was sort of hiding why
he was cancelling out on me.”

Kevin reached out and stroked his wife’s hair as she nuzzled next to him.
“How do you figure? And why are you calling me? We’re on hiatus, what Nick
does on his own right now is his troubles, not mine!”

Howie was momentarily stunned by Kevin’s uncaring attitude towards his
“little brother.” He recovered quickly enough. “He said there were troubles
in the family and he couldn’t come because of that.”

Kevin switched the phone to his other ear when Kristen started to kiss the
side of his neck. “Yeah, well that can happen.”

“Kev, I’m really worried about Nick. I really think he’s doing drugs, seriously!”

“What do you want me to do about this? I’m on the
other side of the country in a whole different time zone! It’s not like I can
jump in a car and drive over to the Keys in less than an hour.”

Howie nodded as he listened to Kevin reprimand him on the phone. He
mentally cursed Kevin for moving to California in the first place, but there
was nothing no one could do to change that right now. He needed someone to
get to Nick, someone close by. AJ was in the Bahamas with Sarah at the
moment so that ruled him out entirely... He wondered about Brian.

“Can you call Brian? I have to take care of business for the cruise and I can’t
do it right now.”

Loud sighs were heard as a reply.

“Please? For me? I need to fix the cruise since Nick bailed on me,” Howie begged.

“Alright, I’ll get ahold of Brian and see what he thinks, okay?”

“Thanks Kev, I knew you would feel the same as I do, call me later, okay?”

“Yeah, sure thing Howie,” Kevin said crisply into the
phone. After clicking the phone off, he stared at the receiver.

“Something wrong sweetie?” Kristen soothed as she massaged Kevin’s shoulders.
Tossing the phone aside, Kevin layed back onto the
bed. “Yeah, Nick again.”

“Don’t you have to call Brian?”

Kevin nodded but then he reached up and grabbed his wife’s waist. “I do, but
I will later, this is way too more important to pass up. I’ve missed you too
much.”

*~*~*~*~*

Brian and Leighanne were taking advantage of the Georgia sunshine, lounging
by the pool in their backyard, the dogs scampering back and forth, playing.
Rolling up his pantlegs, Brian plunged his feet into the inviting blue water of
the pool. Just as his second foot hit the water, the phone rang.

“Let the machine get it!” Brian called out to Leighanne over his shoulder.

”Brian! You know better! It could be something important!”

“Always is,” Brian grinned and shook his head. He directed his attention back
to the calmness of the water, letting his thoughts drift away. As Leighanne
neared the pool, Brian quickly closed his eyes, trying to pretend that he had
fallen asleep to avoid the phone call. Leighanne playfully swatted his
shoulder and then held the phone out to him.

“You’re not a horse silly so I know you can’t be sleeping sitting up! It’s
Kevin,” Leighanne stated as she handed the phone over to him.

“Yavol El Kapetahn!” Brian announced into the phone, grinning.

“It’s Nick,” Kevin said bluntly.

The smile vanished from Brian’s face. He stiffened up.“What’s wrong?”

“Everything, he cancelled out on Howie’s charity cruise.”“Is he sick?”
“Oh who knows! He gave Howie a flimsy excuse that there was problems with
his family.”

“Oh God,” Brian breathed. “He really is slipping into
drugs, isn’t he?”

Kevin sighed. “I wished I knew, I honestly don’t know
what to think.”

“Should one of us call his folks? Maybe they can get
to him,” Brian suggested.

“I hate to do it, but I’m thinking thats about the only option we have left at
this point. You can do the honors,” Kevin replied.

“Why me?” Brian asked as he pulled his feet out of the water.

“Because, cousin, they like you best,” Kevin assured.

“You know, I hate narcing on the poor guy, but I honestly think it’s in his
best interest. I’m so worried about him too. I’ll take care of it.”

“Thanks, and Bri?”

“Yeah, I know.. I know...”

“Call me.” Kevin and Brian said in unison.

Leighanne could see the distress in her husband’s face while he was on the
phone with Kevin. Brian was always watching out for Nick and had been there
to dig him out of the deep holes he had put himself into through the years
the group had been together. As Brian put his head into his hands, Leighanne
realized that this time Nick was in a deeper hole than he had ever been into,
almost a bottomless pit.

“Honey, is there anything I can do to help?”
Brian shook his head. “I don’t know.. I really don’t know anymore.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Jane Carter nervously walked up to the front entrance of Nick’s house, keys
in hand. She had gotten a call from Brian less than an hour ago. Nick was
supposed to have been gone already on the Lupus Cruise and she was shocked
to hear that he had called it off and was staying home. Brian had called her
and told her about Nick’s call to Howie and asked her to check up on him
since he wasn’t returning anyone’s calls.

Jane hadn’t seen her son since the day before he left for Japan. She had
only seen Nick from the media and the things that were being said about
alcoholism and drug abuse had her mind reeling. This could not be the son
she had raised. He had been raised with morals and values, not the monster
the press had made him out to be. Yet there were the pictures on the
internet and in the papers. Nick drunk...Nick sick...Nick heavier. This all
pointed to living a wild life. Jane still clung to the hope that this was all a
mistake, that she would open the door to the house and find Nick playing
video games and looking like he always did.

She slowly opened the door. The whole house was dark, curtains drawn shut,
shades pulled tight. Jane shivered when she closed the door. The
temperature was so cold in the house. Walking to the thermostat, she
discovered that he had the gage set at a chilly 64degrees. She dialed it up
to a more liveable 68.

Walking through the house, she couldn’t believe the accumulation of dirty
clothes, trash and empty medicine boxes that littered the floor, tables and
countertops. He had only been home for a couple of weeks and his house
looked like someone had trashed it. Even the dogs seemed to act neglected.
Their food dishes were overfilled with food and water, but they seemed to
be starved for attention.

“Nick?” Jane called out as she neared the bedroom. She quietly knocked on
the door, pushing it open as she did. She gasped at what she found.

“Nick? Please answer me,” Jane called out. Her mind was thinking of a million
things that was happening with Nick and none of them were good.
Nick had the covers drawn up to his neck, a wastebasket was strategically
set next to the bed.

“I’m not feeling good,” Nick moaned.

Jane looked down at her son. “I would imagine so, hangovers are hard to shake.”

“Mom it’s not that---”

“Nick, you’re throwing your life away, can’t you see it?”

Nick rolled over to face his mother. She gasped when she saw the paleness
of his face, the sparkle gone from his blue eyes.“Momma, I’m sick.”

“Nick, it’s in the press, you can’t keep denying this, you’re using drugs and
drinking too much, am I right?”

Nick could only shake his head. ‘God, if she would just listen to me!’ he
shouted mentally.

“This isn’t something from being flu sick, this is
drugs and alcohol depression. Nick you’re killing yourself!”

Suddenly, his stomach announced that it was about to get sick again. Flinging
the covers off in his haste to make it in time to the bathroom, he nearly
knocked his mother over.
He made it to the bathroom and threw up like he had so many times before.
Once he was finished, he slowly made his way back out to the bedroom, his
mother was opening the curtains. “I have a migraine, please don’t---”

“Fresh air and sunshine will help you....” Jane stopped speaking when she
turned to face her son. There Nick stood in plainsight, no tabloids or
television to alter his appearance, his pale face, matted greasy hair, and a
distended looking beer gut. “Oh god,” she murmurred as she clamped a hand
over her mouth and ran out of the room towards the front door.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 3

Nick sighed heavily as he tossed down a pair of boxers in the sports bag. He folded the shirt and the pair of jeans as well and put them down, then zipped up the bag and putting it on the floor. He was on his way to be at his brothers concert in Key West and was staying a couple of days at his brothers trailer.

He hadn´t spoken to his mother since she left his house, being starking mad, and he had dissed all his family thinking that they didn´t cared about him at all. Then Aaron had called the other night begging Nick to come down to his show and reluctantly he had said yes. Meeting his parents, especially his mom was not something that he looked forward to after the last encounter. But he didn´t want to let his little brother down, besides Nick had swore that he would always be there for Aaron. No matter what would happened, Aaron would always have his shoulder to lean on.

When he heard that his mother was still in Los Angeles and that his father, Bob would be the one to accompany Aaron it felt so much better. Bob was a good listener and they had some pretty good talks during the past years. When Brian went to surgery Nick had felt very down and then his father had been there to comfort him. He wasn´t as judgemental as Jane and when Nick drove on the reef with his boat his father had been there for him again. Jane was pretty upset, yet Bob said that everything would work out fine. The only bad thing with his father was that he never took anything serious. Kevin said that it was like father, like son. At least Bob wouldn´t nag about his weight and that would be good since he was getting more swollen than before with his stomach.

Nick had started to get use with feeling like shit. He was constantly running a slight temp as well as feeling nauseated. He still threw up at least once a day and if he didn´t know his anatomy better he would think that he was pregnant.

After putting on a sweater, he grabbed his keys on the bedstand, took the sports bag and walked out of the bed room. His two pups were barking at him and he bent down, and hugged them.

" Come here guys" Nick said as he cuddled them getting a wet lick back on his face. " Hey you.." Nick laughed and ruffled them on their head. They barked and wagged on the tail to their master.

"Love you too" he patted the dogs head, " Jillian will be here to look after you guys." Jillian was the cleaning lady that looked after the dogs and the house while he was away touring. He stood up just to get down on his knees again. Shit. Everything was spinning and he shook his head to get rid of the dizziness. Just as fast as it had come it went away.

'I am getting a migraine again', Nick thought miserably as he made another attempt to stand up. This time sucess and he grabbed his sports bag and walked out the door.

Sitting in his sports car he leaned his head on the headrest, closing his eyes. His stomach hurt again and it felt like he would soon have to throw up. Yet the fresh sea air made him feel a bit better. Nick had always loved the ocean. It gave him peace and quiet and it wasn´t for nothing that he had bought the house near the ocean.

After sucking in some deep breaths, he set in his ignition key and started the car. Then he opened the gates and slowly made his way out on the Florida turnpike.

******

Aaron was pacing back and forth. Where was Nick? He was starting to get a bit worried that Nick had bailed out again. He´d overheard his mother and father talking the other night that Nick was on his way to a dangerous path and he knew that they was afraid that Nick was using drugs.

That seemed so far fetched to Aaron. Ok Nick drank, but from that to doing drugs was an far step. Heck, Nick didn´t even smoke.

" Try to relax. Nick will be here soon" His father's calming voice was heard from the couches in the trailer and Aaron responded with a " Are you sure? Nick is never this late."

" Yes Aaron. There were probably something that came up and yes he will be here to your show." This calmed the teenager down a bit and he sat down on a chair. His nerves felt all jittery and he was seriously suffering from stage fright. This was an inheritance from Nick, as well as his fright from flying. Motionsickness was another "nasty gift" that Aaron had received from his idol. On the plus sides he had inherit the voice as well as his love for the ocean.

Aaron's thoughts were interrupted by a famous voice calling out for him from the front door, " Wass up squirrel?!" Aaron turned on his heels so fast that he almost lost balance.

" Nick!" He flung towards his brother, wrapping his arms around him in the biggest hug. Nick smiled widely as he responded the hug and ruffled his brothers hair.

" Don´t" Aaron warned as he pulled back from his brothers strong arms. Looking up at his brother he felt a tad of concern. There were something wrong with Nick. His stomach was really big, but the strange thing was that Nick seemed to get thinner in his face. He was also very pale, much too pale for someone that spent his days in the Florida sun. There were also beads of sweat on his forehead and he had his sunglasses on like he use to do these days. What if his parents had been right. Was Nick using drugs?

He shrugged as Nick laughed loudly and caught his head in a wrestling grip. " Niiiicckk" Aaron whined as he tried to get loose. To no avail. Aaron yelled louder " Nick, let me go!"

" Not until you say please" Nick laughed and continued with his iron grip on the neck.

" Never!" Aaron was struggling, trying to get his arms and legs around his brothers body, but Nick was strong.

" Say please" he repeated and punched his brother lightly in his head.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!"

" I won´t let ya go, you know!"

" Pleeaaaaseeee!!!" Aaron yelled, finally giving up the struggle as he was starting to get light headed.

" Say pretty please" Nick joked laughing.

" Nope!" Aaron was not going to give in to that. Nick tightened his grip as well as started to tickle him and he started laughing so much.

" Nooo, stop it..Nick!"

" You give up?" he tickled the poor boy even more and Aaron was squirming like a worm on a hook.

" Yeeeessss" he yelled, " Yes, now let me go!"

" No, first say pretty please!" Aaron was laughing all the time as Nick continue to tickle him on his most sensitve spots and he had to surrender. Once more to his brother's power.

" Please pretty please" he murmured, just to get Nick saying, " What??? I didn´t hear ya, speak up" Aaron squirmed again and as Nick made an attempt to tickle him even more he yelled " Pleeeeeeeeaseee, pretty pleeeeaseeee!" With that his older brother let go of the grip.

Aaron panted, still laughing. Nick was so much fun even if he was constantly torturing him. Oh how he loved his brother.

" Are you two finished now?" Bob asked and Nick gave his father a warm smile.

" Hey." The smile was returned and they gave each other an playful knock on the shoulder. Male bonding.

" It´s been a while," Bob said as he took in Nick's appearance, frowning.

Nick nodded " Yeah you know. Been really busy and you know with the tour and stuff and.." He was talking so fast that his father had to stop him.

" That´s ok. I´m glad that you could come."

" Me too" Aaron said as he was punching his brother lightly in the stomach. Several times.

Ouch that hurt. Nick winced, trying to hold his posture. He stiffened his muscles the best as he could as Aaron was using him like a punch bag. This was a gesture of love and the two brothers used to punch and joke with each other. However this time he just wanted torture to stop. He was starting to get nauseous and didn´t know how long he could keep up this charade. The couch in the trailer looked mighty tempting, yet Nick didn´t dare to sit down since he wasn´t sure that he would ever get up again. His father most have read his thoughts as he said, " Aaron leave Nick alone. He is tired after the drive"

Aaron uttered a small "Oh"

Not wanting to alarm his little brother he said in a light tone, " " Nah really s´'ok" Aaron smiled widely as he looked up with admiration in his eyes on his big brother. Nick was high on his pedestal and what ever he did Aaron thought was cool. Never doing anything wrong. The exhaustion was starting to take it´s toll and Nick slumped down on the sofa and they started to talk about Aaron's upcoming show.

" Time for soundcheck!" Mark, Aarons manager announced as he stuck his head in through the door. There was a sigh of disappointment in the room as Aaron didn´t want to let his brother go.

" Ok, I'm coming." Turning his head to Nick he asked with a pleading voice, " Can you come and watch me? Pleeeeeaaaseee!!!"

The kid is really a whiner, Nick thought tiredly, but then he nodded, " I´ll be there soon. Ok?" The look Aaron gave him of disbelief had him saying, " Promise!" With a satisfied grin Aaron walked towards the door, Bob stood up too, " I'll better see that he makes it down to reaharsal," he laughed lightly.

Nick grinned. Yeah his brother could be so distracted sometimes. Wonder who he was getting that from?

As soon as the two family members had left the trailer Nick let out a loud groan, unbuttoning his pants. Aaron's punches in his stomach hurt and he was feeling the effect of an upcoming headache. Laying down on the couch he closed his eyes. 'Just a little nap," was his last thought before falling asleep.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Four Aaron stretched up on his toes trying to look above the crowd in a search for his older brother. There were people everywhere, but his brother's sea blue sweater and blond hair was nowhere in sight.

" Can you sign this for me?" a girl voice said which had him jumping.

" S..sure" he and took the paper and pen from the dark haired girls hand. With a smile he handed it back to her, just to get interrupted by another fan wanting his autograph.

The concert had gone great, yet he wasn´t happy. There was something wrong with his brother, he could just feel it. Maybe he should tell his father about his suspescion. But then what did he really suspect? Nick had done nothing out of the ordinary except for falling asleep when he was suppose to come to Aaron's rehearsal. Nick had excused himself saying that he had a headache and then he had been inside the trailer all the time until it was time to go onstage. Aaron was feeling so disappointed.

Nick was always there to support him, yet this time he seemed to be showing no interest in Aaron's show. A big relief had washed over Aaron when he saw that Nick was sitting in the front row and Aaron had even said in the show that he was proud to have his bigger brother Nick here and that they should give him some applause. This had Nick really embarrassed and the girls screaming even louder. Maybe the statement had pissed of his older brother since Nick had left directly after the show was ending.

" Ok! One more and then Aaron is done for the evening!" Mark announced and for once Aaron felt actually happy for this. Now he could look up Nick and ask him what was bothering him.

"Ohhh Noo!!" The girls were screaming in disappointment. Aaron smiled as he signed his last cd and then he walked away, two bodyguards high in heel.

" You did great," his father said and gave his son a hug as soon as Aaron was out of the crowd.

" Yeah, I know." There was nothing wrong with Aaron's self confidence.

When they came in to the trailer, Nick was nowhere in sight and a sulking Aaron sat down, turning on the playstation that Nick had bought for him. Seeing the sadness in his son's eyes, Bob did his best to comfort him, " Nick will be here. He saw your show, didn´t he?"

" So..he left" Aaron was staring at the tv, not wanting to talk any more. Bob sighed. This was not like Nick. He had to talk to his rebel son. What if his wife had been right? Was Nick into something bad?

" I am sure that there was something that he had to do and that he will be here soon. " With that he ruffled his youngest son's hair , " Come on kiddo. It is time for bed."

Aaron nodded as he put down the controller, yet he couldn't shake his bad feeling. Something was definately wrong.

*******

" One more," Nick slurred as he sat at the barcounter, ordering a tequila shots. He felt really miserable and even if he knew that alcohol was not the cure he still tried to deafened his pain. It was bad that he had left Aaron's show, but he couldn't take it anymore sitting there, cheering like if nothing was wrong. Depression had started to set in and Nick's whole life felt like one big fake.

He was on the top of his career, still there were times when he just wanted to lay down and die. He didn´t lack anything, not money, not fame. Yet there was something missing in his life. A part of this feeling he blamed on that he hadn´t felt physically fine for a very long time. Still there were something more.

When he was laying sick in Japan he had many times to think about life and on the other guys. He knew that both Kevin and Brian were starting to get tired of this life. Brian had even talked about raising a family and since he was such a family man he would probably have several little B'roks. AJ wanted to do some solo stuff and that was also something that had crossed Nick's mind more than one time the latest time. He knew that he had pissed off Howie so bad when he cancelled the Lupus cruise. The guys had called and chewed him out saying that he was irresponsible, not wanting to take his excuse that he had family trouble.

But the worst thing was that he had turned his little brother down. First falling asleep when he had promised to go to the rehearsal. He was just constantly tired and in the nights he often woke up drenched with sweat. Yet this was no excuse. Then he had left the concert since he couldn´t stand sitting there hearing all the girls cheering for him, wanting autographs. He stole Aaron's show and that was not something that he wanted to do. His first thoughts had been that he should go back to the trailer, then he had walked at the opposite direction towards the harbor and ended up in this bar. And here he was now. Getting wasted.

" Life sucks!" Nick concluded and took another shot. God it burned as it went down his throat and down to his stomach. If he was lucky the alcohol would kill all of the germs that had invaded his whole body.

" Hey handsome," a girl said and he turned his head, feeling drunk.

She had long reddish hair and was good looking under all that makeup. Nick smiled.

" Helloooo," and then added, " I´m N..Neal Blake." Nick didn´t know why he was using a different name, but it felt so right at this particular moment. He was so sick and tired of Nick Carter and wanted to be someone else for a change.

"Aha, I´m Alana." the girl said a bit amused. Then they small talked for a while and Nick ordered some more drinks.

" Do you want to come to my appartment?" she asked after a while and Nick nodded. He knew that this was probably an mistake, yet life felt so shitty right now that he could very well make it even more miserable. After all, that was all that he was good at.

" Su..suure" Nick slurred and raised to stand. Whoaaa everything spinned and he had to hold onto the counter.

" Maybe you had a little too much to drink," Alana said as she steadied him with her arm. He let go.

" I´m fine. Let´s go" With that the two walked out from the bar and into the night.

*******

'Fuck,' Nick thought as he opened his eyes, noticing that he was in strange place and that it was daylight. Reaching out his arm he felt another body jerking awake at once.

Turning his head, he saw that a girl was laying next to him and he groaned loudly. Shit now he had really done it this time. Getting laid at first date was NOT something that he generally did. Okay, Nick was no virgin, still he hadn´t had that many sexual partners. The most about his sexlife was rumors and this was not a common situation. There were memory lapses from the night before and now he felt really akward. Since he knew that they had sex, he hoped that he had the sense to use condoms. Getting a sexually transmitted disease was the last thing he needed right now.

The pounding in his skull was bad and as he moved in the bed, the girl next to him stirred. Nick tried to be as quiet as possible but that was hard when he felt nauseous, counting the minutes before he was about to make a race for the bathroom.

" Good morning," the girl said and responded with a short, " Hey."

There were silence as they looked at each other. Then Nick's stomach decided to end the moment by churning. The minutes was out and he ran towards the bathroom, covering his mouth.

As he was done several minutes later he was met with Alana getting up from bed, naked, walking into the bathroom. Blushing, Nick didn´t know where to look. He felt really out of place.

" I..I have to get going," he stuttered as he started to put on his pants.

" Ok..oh honey that will be $500," she said sweetly as she stepped into the shower turning on the water.

What??? A hooker!!! Nick wanted to cry out. He should have known.

" Uh."

" I am not cheap..but I am good" she chuckled.

This was not a good situation. A bit shakely he managed to pull out his wallet from his pants and laid out $550. With that he hurried to put on the rest of his clothes and then opened the door.

As he was about to step outside, he heard the girl shouting, " Oh and say hello to AJ from Alana , Mr. Carter!" With that she laughed and Nick ran out from the door and down the stairs to the entrance. He felt so bad. Like if things couldn´t be any worse he was still forced to face both his father and Aaron.

*******

" Something must have happend," Aaron cried as he was sitting at the breakfast table not touching his waffles.

Bob was doing his best to comfort his son. " Nick is an adult Aaron. He knows what he is doing." The words he uttered sounded so wrong. Nick didn´t know what he was doing. He was such an easy target and could end up in all different situations. At one time when father and son had those rare conversations Nick had said to his father that he was fortunate to have the boys or else he thought he would have ended up getting into trouble instead. This was not something that Bob doubted.

Nick had changed over the past year. Especially in his physical appearence. There wasn´t that sparkle in his eyes like he was enjoying life. Instead he often looked dull, lifeless and Bob knew that there were ups and downs. What was bothering the older man was that his son was tired all the time. His wife had come home saying that Nick was on drugs. He hadn´t believed her since she was the one that always suspected the worse to happen, but now he wasn´t so sure anymore.

" Dad, " Aaron cried, " Do you think that Nick is dead?"

" No son, he isn´t I am sure that he will walk in here at any.." His words were interrupted by the door to the trailer opening and Nicks head coming into view.

Bob snapped.

" Where the hell have you been?" he shouted and stood up straight to face his own son in the face.

" O..out" Nick stuttered as he held his head in his hands. He looked like complete and utter shit and even though Bob felt really concerned he also was very angry.

" How can you just go away not saying anything? Don´t you understand that we are worried."

Nick shrugged. Of course he could undertand that. But it was hard to explain that he had ended up in a bar getting drunk and then followed a hooker home and that he remembered nothing from past night. Besides his stomach was acting up again and this time it wasn´t just from the hangover. As he stood there hearing his father yell at him he wanted to cry. He wanted to fall on his knees and cry over his miserable life.

" I´m sorry." Nick mumbled, but Bob was much too upset too take that into consideration.

" Can´t you see that Aaron was getting really concerned for you and thought that you had died and.."

Suddenly Nick had enough and he shouted back, " I am so sick and tired of you bossing me around. I am 21 years old, and adult and I have the right to do whatever I wanna do, where ever I wanna do it. Stop fucking control my life!"

" Nickolas!" Bob fumed with anger, " I will not tolerate that kind of language from you!!!"

Aaron had stepped up from bed and he was drying away his tears with the back on his hand. " Nick, come on, stop yelling..Nick!" Aaron was yanking on Nick's arm, trying to get his attention.

" Stop it!" Nick hissed as he pushed Aaron firmly away.

This had Bob getting furious and he yelled, " Your mother is right. You are on drugs and you need to get into rehab!"

"What????? REHAB????" Now Nick was very angry. " Are you saying that I am on drugs???" He was red in his face, shaking from anger. " I was sick and.."

Bob interrupted him, " Nick your behavior is irrational and I think that you need to get help."

" Well fuck you!" Nick grabbed his bag and then turned on his heel and ran out from the door, slamming it shut in the face of his brother.

As he ran out towards his car he could hear Aaron screaming in a high pitched voice, " Nick, Nick come baack!"

Feeling very betrayed Nick hopped in his car and then left the area. Crying, he did not look back.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Five "S-set me up again," Nick slurred as he clumsily set the shot glass on top of the bar counter.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" the bartender questioned as he studied the blonde haired customer.

Nick shook his head. "Nah, I-I can s-still feel it!"

"Feel what?"

Waving his hands in the air, Nick tried to brush the bartender's questions off. "Just pour the fuckin' drink!"

The bartender stared at him.

Nick started slamming the glass up and down several times until he missed the bottom of the glass and watched it skid off the counter onto the floor. "I'm fuckin' Nick Carter and I get what I want!"

"Not in this bar son," the bar tender muttered as he walked away from Nick, shaking his head.

"Fine!" Nick shouted. "Anyone want to come with me?"

Feeling a tap on his shoulder, Nick twisted around to see who it was. It wasn't anyone he had seen before.

"Nick, come on, I've called a cab to take you home."

Squinting, Nick tried to read the name plate that was on the man's shirt. Due to the state he was in, it was a useless effort. Taking a firm grip on Nick's left arm, the man escorted him from the bar and opened the taxi cab's door. After trying several times to get Nick to sit up in the cab, he gave up and left him laying across the back seat. "Take him to this address, and don't take him anyplace else," the bouncer directed to the cabbie.

"You people are on crack!" Nick mumbled from the back seat.

The driver accepted the slip of paper. "I will make sure he goes no place else."

********

Nick awoke to the sound of his answering maching going off. He half listened to his father speaking into the phone. "Please Nick, call us, your mother and I are worried sick about you. We've left you several messages, please just call us, we love you."

Nick groaned as he heard his father's voice. He figured he didn't love him at all. This was all a false statement to get him to call. How could someone say they love a person when they judge them and accuse them of being on drugs? And his mother! How could she say she loved him when she not only accused him of being on drugs she also accused him of wrecking his life, letting himself go!

"Please call us, we love you,"Nick mocked as he laid on the floor. "Yeah, right. I know who loves me," he stated outloud to himself. His eyes drifted towards the bookcase and the picture album he kept on the bottom shelf. He crawled over to the bookshelf and pulled the album out. Leaning against the wall, Nick sat Indian-style, laying the book ontop of his crossed legs.

“That’s it right there!” Nick announced as he grabbed the phone. “I’m calling the people I know who will be my friends no matter what! The hell with family and the hell with Backstreet Boys and management!”

Quickly dialing phone numbers as if his life depended upon it, Nick made plans for the evening.

********

“Hey doughboy! Good to see ya,” Jason chuckled as he slapped Nick on the back.

“Doughboy? Where the fuck did that come from?” Nick asked as he pulled away from one of his best friends.

Jason looked a little embarrassed when Nick called him on the nickname that he had just tagged him with. “Well, um, I dunno, I guess you’ve just been living the good life since I last saw you, just skip it, stupid name to even say, I don’t know why I say what I say, I do know I’m ready for a another beer though.”

Nick looked at him suspiciously. He wondered if the remark was geared towards his weight but then he decided to let the remark pass. Jason was one to make stupid comments. “You’ve been running a tab on this, right?”

“Yeah, the bartender said you set up the bar for a tab for tonight, right?”

“Yes I did, a running tab, drinks on me!

“Alright!”

As the night wore on, Nick soon became too drunk to be able to stand on his own two feet. His friends were less than friends as they continued to supply drinks to their host, not paying attention to or completely ignoring the fact that Nick was become so intoxicated that he wasn’t able to form complete sentances and kept passing out and waking up. To make matters worse, pictures were being taken of Nick as the night wore on and he was less aware of his surroundings. Pictures that were going to be sent to the press and across the internet.

******

A blaring commercial startled Nick awake from his sleep. His head throbbed as he struggled to open his eyes.

“Omygod, what did I drink?” he mumbled.

“Just about the entire bar, sweetheart,” I soft female voice answered.

Nick’s eyes bolted open hearing the voice. He looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings. “Wha--wha, where am I?”

“Holiday Inn,” she replied. “You don’t remember?”

Nick pulled his arm out from under her body and placed his hands on his head. “No.”

The woman slipped out of the bed and padded towards the bathroom. Nick diverted his eyes once he noticed she was naked. He lifted the sheets to discover that he too, was naked.

“Oh shit, not again,” he moaned.

He heard the water running from the shower. He debated on whether he could just get up and leave and never look back or if he still had to pay this girl for services or was she a hooker? God, he really didn’t know what to think.

Thankfully, it seemed as if she heard his thoughts. “Sweetie, you can go ahead and leave, you told the bartender to put my services on your tab. You can pay for it there. If you want to tip me, of course, that’s your own descretion, but I’m telling you baby, you were fine! Just fine!”

She didn’t have to tell him twice. Picking up his clothes, he pulled them on as fast as he could. Opening his wallet, he grabbed two crisp fifties and laid them on the nightstand and slipped out the door.

He felt sick to his stomach, but tried to push the nausea away. Now was not the time to get sick. Now was the time to get the hell home. Nick sadly shook his head as he caught a glimpse of his relfection in the mirrors on the elevator. He looked like he had aged 20 years and the body looked like something that belonged to someone that feasted on food and booze. This couldn't be him.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Six

"Maybe you can talk some sense into his thick skull Brian, God knows I've tried," Jane Carter remarked as she paced the floor of the hotel suite her husband and she were sharing.

"What exactly did Nick say to you, Mrs. Carter?" Brian questioned as he watched Nick's mother pace.

Jane stopped abruptly and turned to face Brian. "Oh, it was just so crazy, not normal of Nick at all. I'm really worried about him. He was almost fighting us like a wild animal about getting on the plane to begin with."

A slight grin crossed Brian's lips. "Well, you know Nick---"

She interupted, "No, it wasn't a fear of flying fight it was more like an 'I don't want to Aspen' fight. It was like he just simply didn't want to have anything to do with us at all. I just don't understand Nick anymore. And during the entire flight he just gave us almost evil looks and buried his face in either comic books or completely ignored any attempts at conversations with headphones on."

"Again, Mrs. Carter, that's Nick. I honestly don't see anything unusual about this," Brian stated in Nick's defense.

The smile on Brian's face vanished when he saw the tears brimming in the woman's eyes, a look of despiration on her face.

"If you think it will help, I can talk to Nick and see what's wrong," Brian suggested as he started to stand.

"Brian, don't you suspect something is wrong? Am I just being paranoid or crazy?"

"You're not being crazy or paranoid, you're concerned about Nick, as we all are. I have been suspecting something is wrong for a few months, but I haven't really said anything to Nick up to this point."

Jane turned to face Brian. "You have? Are you suspecting drug use too?"

Brian paled when he heard Jane's accusations.

"N-no, not drug use, that thought never came into my mind at all," he stammered.

"Oh god," Jane gasped, "what are you suspecting?"

"Well, I've been worried that Nick might be bullemic," Brian stated quietly.

"Bullemic?" Jane looked at Brian, wide-eyed.

"Well, the pieces kinda fit. I remember Nick starting to throw up on the way to Japan and then I really noticed that he was throwing up more so after eating. Then he said he had the mumps, but gosh, it looked like Nick was gaining weight all over at first and mumps don't make you gain weight." Brian leaned closer to Jane, as if Nick was in the room and he didn't want him to hear what he was saying. "Can't you see how big he's gotten over the past two months? And he's carrying it all in his stomach too."

As she placed her hand over her mouth, Jane nodded in agreement.

"Brian, you should have seen the state he was in when I went to his house after he backed out of Howie's cruise. He looked so depressed, the house was dark and filthy, I'm thinking drugs but yes, he does look like he's let himself go, and it's been talked about in the press too."

Brian pulled Jane Carter into a tight hug. "I'll talk to him, see if I can get through to him, don't worry, okay? It's going to be alright."

"Thanks Brian."

*~*~*~*~*

Almost immediately after Brian knocked on the door, it was answered by a worried looking Aaron.

"Hi Brian," he sighed.

"Hey kiddo, I need to talk to Nick in private, is it okay?" Brian asked as he messed up the younger boys hair.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders as he slipped between Brian and the open door. "Good luck, he won't talk to me."

Brian entered the hotel room finding Nick laying in bed, back propped up with pillows, staring at the television set.

"Hey buddy, what's on ESPN?" Brian asked, searching for an opening to a converstation with Nick. The only reply Brian received was no acknowledgement of the question, Nick just slowly blinking his eyes, staring at the screen.

Exasperated, Brian took a chair from the corner of the room, slapped the television set off with the back of his hand. Without missing a beat, Brian took the chair and positioned it directly in front of Nick.

"Okay, something's bothering you and the only way I can help you is to talk to you and you talk to me," Brian stated in a calm voice.

Nick folded his arms across his chest, set his jaw and glared at his best friend.

"Okay, I see you're not going to be easy to get to this time. Please Nick, let me hlep you. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about you," Brian pleaded.

After a few minutes of Brian's begging and practically whining to Nick, he finally was rewarded.

"Mom sent you down here."

Nick's voice was void of emotion, his eyes still contained an angry glare, the arms still folded.

Brian leaned forward. "I'm not gonna lie to you, she hinted, but I offered to come down and talk to you. We're just worried about you buddy, I'm seriously worried sick."

Nick's 'tough guy' mode didn't last long as tears started slipping down his cheeks.

"Aww Nick, come on, please talk, I won't jump to conclusions or make judgements," Brian soothed.

Wiping the tears away from his eyes, Nick sighed. "I-I d-don't kn-now."

Taking a deep breath, Nick tried to calm his emotions. When he got upset, he always stuttered.

"It's okay Nick, I'm listening," Brian said softly.

"Everyone thinks I'm doing drugs. I'm not. Why does everyone think I'm doing drugs?"

"I don't."

Finally Nick toko the hardened glare from his eyes and looked directly at Brian. "You don't?"

Brian shook his head.

"Then what do you think is wrong, cause obviously you must think something's wrong," Nick spat.

That was famous for Nick, put his walls of defense around him if someone came close to figuring out what was bugging him when he was upset or angry.

"You want me to be honest with you, right?"

"No, I want you to lie to me," Nick replied in a voice thick with sarcasm.

"I think you're bullemic," Brian replied, barely able to look Nick in the eyes.

Nick rolled his eyes. "Oh? I wished I was Brian, maybe then I could lose this," he pulled his sweater away from his stomach for emphasis.

"You've been trying to lose weight though, right?"

"No, not really. I mean Bruce yelled about eating lettuce and crap, but I honestly haven't done much of anything about it. I mean, I would love to try but you would think throwing up at least twice a day would have made me thinner and all it's done for me is made my stomach tender and anything I do manage to keep down sticks to my fucking waist. I don't know why. I'm sick and it's got to have something to do with the mumps I got in Japan. No one is listening to me, they just accuse me of being on drugs. I'm sick of fighting with everyone. I just want everyone to leave me alone."

"Aww Nick," Brian reached out to put a hand on Nick's shoulder.

Nick swatted the hand away. "Leave me alone."

"Nick?"

The angry glare was once again on his face, jaw set, arms folded tightly across his chest. The window of getting through to him was once again closed.

Brian stood up and placed the chair back into the corner. "Call me Nick when you're ready to talk again, okay? I'm here to listen to you, alright?"

Reluctantly, Brian left the room. Thoughts were running through his mind as to who could possibly get through to Nick. Someone needed to get him to get the help he was in desperate need of but who could he turn to before it's too late?

Nick swallowed hard as the door clicked shut. "Why didn't I just tell Brian everything?" he wondered. "No one will listen to my problems, Brian wouldn't understand either," Nick mumbled.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Seven

" Aww come on, Nick. It'll be fun," Aaron said trying to talk his brother into going snowboarding with him. The teenager, already dressed for out door activity, took off his gloves and sat down on the bed beside his brother.

Nick lay in bed, hands under head. He wasn't inclined to talking to anyone and was pretty pissed that his younger brother had violated his room, even if he had been specific that NO ONE was allowed to enter the premises. Not under ANY circumstances. Yet his brother had bolted in, starting to talk him into getting up and going snowboarding with him.

" NO!" Nick was stern in his comment.

He wasn't up to meeting any people and certainly not wanting to go outdoor. Damned if he was in Aspen, against his own will, he still didn't want to do any skiing. It was not that he disliked these kind of sports, no on the contrary. He'd even got up early to go skiing, yet his stomach had started to give him trouble again and he was soon batteling another fight with nausea. He'd felt like crap for an long time now and he almost longed that the disease that had him in it's tight grip would finally break out. That way he would get relief soon. He was getting so sick and tired of feeling this crappy all the time.

Tomorrow was christmas eve and he hoped that this was just an 24 hour bug, since it would suck eggs to be sick with the stomach flu on the night of celebration. Brians Leighanne had complained that she felt a bit ill during breakfast and they had decided to stay at the their room the whole day.

" Please, Nick," Aaron whined, grabbing his brother in the arm, trying to get him to stand up. He really wanted to spend time with him since they rarely got to be together anymore. Besides Nick loved snowboarding and wouldn't miss an opportunity to do so.

" I said NO, Aaron. Now leave me alone." Nick rolled on the other side, turning his back against his brother.

Aaron looked disappointed. " But Nick..you..you..you really use to like it," It was clearly that his little brother was batteling tears and Nick felt bad for making Aaron this sad. Yet he couldn't help it, there were no energy to do anything.

With a sigh, Aaron stood up. " You know, Nick, you would tell me wouldn't you, if, you know there were something wrong with you, you know?" There were sadness in the tone of his voice.

" Yeah, now GET OUT." Nick muttered, not wanting to talk anymore since he could feel his own eyes start to burn from tears threatning to dwell over. Besides he was doing his best to fight down the nausea that was threatning to get him into fullblown vomiting. That however was NOT something that he wanted his brother to see therefore he swallowed hard.

" Fine, be an ass then. See if I care," Aaron shouted sourly, walking briskly out of the room, slamming the door in the process.

" That little punk," Nick mumbled as he heard his brother leave his room. He didn't have to think any longer of the incident since more pressing matters were making themself known and soon he had to run to the bathroom, hands covered over his mouth. Sinking down on the floor infront of the bowl he let go off the little he'd eaten at breakfast.

This was starting to be an procedure since he had started the day like this for several weeks now.

" Nick, I think that.." Aaron who had come to ask if he could borrow his brothers sun glasses, bursted in, whitout knocking on the door. A bit suprised he noticed that there were no Nick in sight. Blanket was thrown carelessly on the floor and as he called his brothers name again, " Nick?" he heard a faint sound from the bathroom.

Walking really quietly he made it to the door, just to be met with an sight that had him all concerned. There were Nick puking his guts out, moaning, looking like he was in real pain. That was strange since Nick had mentioned nothing about being sick, and he was sure that he would have heard about if he had the flu from his parents. If that had been the case his mother would have forbidden him and his sisters to visite his brother since they couldn't afford to be sick, going on tour again after new years eve.

There were something very disturbing over what he wittnessed. And something stopped to let himself known.

The other night he had overheard his parents talking that Nick might be on drugs or that they suspected that he had some kind of disorder called Buli...Bulimia something. All Aaron knew about that disorder was that people first ate alot and then puked. On purpose! It was just gross!

But Nick couldn't have that disease, could he? Aaron was starting to sweat really bad and it was uncomfortable to hide from his brother. Besides by the sounds Nick was soon going to come back. Toilet was flushing and he could hear Nick get up to rinse his face. Really silent he walked over to the door, opening it up really slow he walked oútside, then closed it as quiet as he could.

Now he was really disturbed over his brothers health.

***********

" Hrm..let's see," Aaron was writing on his computer, toungue in his mouth, set to find out the information that he needed. He was going through the search engines, looking up all he could find about eating disorders. The incident earlier in the morning had him really shook up and he was intend to find out if Nick could be into that bullimia crap.

" Oh how many pages," he murmured as he went through the seed of home pages regarding this disorder. Suddenly he found what he was looking for and studied it carefully.

Nasty, Aaron thought as he read about eating and vomiting. According to him that was the most gross thing that anyone could do, vomiting that was. Everything he read could fit the picture, everything but that the person would loose weight. As far as he knew Nick was gaining weight, at least it looked so on his stomach.

" What are you readin'?" It was his sister Lesley that had sneaked up behind him, reading over his shoulder.

Before thinking Aaron pressed delete and said, " Nothing."

" Really?" She raised and eyebrow. Then there were an michouvious grin on her face, " You're watching porn."

" NO. I'm not!" Aaron objected.

" Yes you are," Lesley laughed and said to their sister Angel who just came in, " Aaron is out on the net, checking out nude girls."

" I am NOT!" Now he was starting to get upset. Angels started to laugh too and Aaron fumed from anger.

" Yes , why would you otherwise delete the page when I came in?" Lesley looked at Aaron, searching for an answer.

Shrugging the blonde said, " Beacuse!"

" That's it, I'm telling mom," Angel said running out from the room, laughing.

" YOU'RE NOT!!!!! If you do I'm gonna kick your ass." Aaron ran after his screaming twin sister.

" What is this?" Jane said, with an grim expression, hands on her hips.

" Aaron is watching porn sites!" Angels was telling on her brother and this had the teenager wanting to rip his sisters head off.

" I'm so gonna kill you, " he threatened, getting his mothers eyes on him. " You do no such thing, Aaron Carter and now you appologize to your sister."

" But I did nothing wrong," the boy complained. " This is soooo unfaiiir,"

" Quit whining," Jane said irritatedly, " You sound like Nick!"

Sulking Aaron left the room, going upstairs. No way he was going to appologize for something that he didn't do. He went into his room, slamming the door beside him. This day was becoming more and more shitty.

In the other room Nick lay down, listening to music in his headphones. He had spent the whole day in here, just feeling as crappy as he could be. His head ached and the stomach had been upset all day. Luckely there had been no more trips to the bathroom, yet he had this stomach ache that didn't seem to let up. It was also sooo boring laying in bed all day, but he knew that he was running a slight fever, and had no energy what so ever to be up.

This was something that were so very unlike Nick Carter. He was often jittery, not being able to sit or lay still. Yet these days that was all that he wanted to do.

His head jerked as he heard the door slam in the room beside him. Aarons room. A small smile toyed on his lips, recognizing the temper from his own. Aaron was an miniature of him in young age, with that exception that Aaron was more spolied and had an better self confidence, at least that was what he was playing out.

" Niiiiiickkkk, Aaarrrrrroooonnnnn!" his mother called out from the stairs, " Diiiiiiiinnnnneeeeerrrrr"

Nick sighed. Food wasn't something that had high priority, yet he had to go since he would otherwise worry his family too much.

************

" Mom, isn't Nick coming down to dinner?" the young blonde asked as he was stuffing his mouth full with meatballs. He had an hard time sitting still and kept fidgeting all the time. The incident earlier on in the day had him really shook up and he couldn't stop thinking about it. He felt all jittery.

" Porno king!" Angel said, giggling and that had Aaron in for a fit.

" Ouuuchhh, Mooooom, Aaron kicked me," his twin sister Angel yelled, giving her brother an hard glare.

Jane sighed heavily, " Aaron sit still, and No I don't know if Nick will be down for dinner." She had tried to reason with her older son earlier on just to be met that he was tired and that he wanted to be alone. Seriously worried she had tried to get him to talk, but he had clammed shut like he had done so many times before. Her earlier talk with Brian had her thinking.

Could her son really suffer from an eating disorder?

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Eight

It was an dangerous game

Aaron had no intention to get caught. He was spying on his brother that were inside the bathroom. Afraid to get caught he put his ear against the bathroom door, listening if there were any wierd sounds. Hearing nothing he concluded that he had been nervous for nothing. Just as he was about to stand up straight, the bathroom door opened, hitting him in the face.

" Ouuuucchhhhh!" Aaron screamed as he felt his cheek impact against the hard wooden door.

" AARON?" Nick yelled in suprise, " What the heck are you doing you're little twirlp," he said as he held an firm grip on his brother neck collor.

" Nuthin'," the teenager responded angrily, rubbing his sore nose. " Why did you have to hit me?"

" Hit you? Why the heck did you have your face close to the door?" Nick looked at Aaron a bit suspeciously, " You're not spying, are you?" He tightened the grip harder.

" Me?," Aaron asked, " No, I'm just waiting for the bathroom." He jerked, trying to get loose, " Let me go!"

" Ok, but you better not spy on me," Nick warned his little brother as he let him go.

" Nooo! Who would wanna know about your BORING life anyway?" the small blonde said with a grin.

" Millions of girls," his older brother said, giving him a swap on his head.

" In your dreams, fatso," Aaron laughed, running away. Nick took up the hunt immediatly, " Now you little creep. You're gonna get it!"

The hunt went through the whole house and Aaron ran, trying to get away from his brother. Nick panted after him. It hurt to breath, and he felt like he would pass out, still he wouldn't stop. When things started to swam infront of him he stopped abruptly, hands on his knees. Breathing hard.

Shit, Nick thought, I have a bad condition. He shook his head, trying to clear the cow webs. He would need to work out more. Maybe the guys were right, he was in bad shape and needed to back off on the goodies.

Suddenly Aaron notice that his brother wasn't behind him and as he turned around he saw that Nick was bent over, trying to catch his breath. An hint of fright passed through him. Something was wrong. He walked back, eyeing his brother carefully.

" Are you Ok?" he asked, putting an hand on the shoulder.

" Yeah, I'm fine," Nick shrugged, shaking his brothers hand off him. The room wasn't spinning too bad anymore and he felt better. Straightining up he let out an shaky breath.

" What happend?" Aaron demanded, all concerned.

" Happend? Nothin' happend," the older brother said, " Quit worrying." There were annoyance in his tone of voice. But seeing his younger brothers scared expression, he changed it. " Aaron, really, It's ok."

" Hmhm..." Aaron nodded, not believing a word that his brother said. He felt upset. His brother was always brushing off like he was too small to understand anything. Well Aaron understood allright, Nick was in some kind of trouble.

" Hey dude, you wanna play some Nintendo?" Nick asked, trying to cheer up the situation.

" Whatever," he mumbled as he followed his brother into the living room. Frowning he studied Nick as he hunched down beside the game player. Was Nick putting on more weight? He knew that his brother had been batteling weight problems on and off and that his mother had several times complained that Nick needed to watch out what he ate or he would get unattractive. And ugly people don't make sucess!!!

Aaron felt bad while thinking about this, yet he felt soo concerned. What if Nick was actually making himself sick so that he would loose weight. Nick never ever seemed to be bothered when Aaron picked on the weight issue. His older brother was a smart mouth and always retrorted something back, up until now. Recently when his mother picked on Nicks weight problems Nick clammed up and that was something that was unusual for him. After coming back from Japan Aaron had noticed that his brother always seemed too swollen around the stomach. In a strange kind of way. He knew that Nick had the mumps in Tokyo, but how long did an diesease like this last?

" Haaaaloooooo!!!!" Nick called out, waving infront of Aarons face, trying to get his attention.

The teenager jerked, " Uh..hrm..what???"

" Are you spacin' out on me bro?" Nick asked, then said with a chuckle, " That is my task, ya know! You ok?"

Aaron shrugged.

" Aaron you look a little pale. You're not getting sick, are you?" his mother asked instantly as she entered the room.

" No," the blonde muttered, " I'm fine, ask Nick instead." He recieved an hard glare from his big brother. " Mom, Nick is having some trouble and.."

His brother wheezed, " Shut the fuck up," giving a threatning fist.

Not listening to what her son said she continue, " You better not catch the flu that is going around since you have to start reharse for the show in a couple of days." There were a gleam of threat in her voice. " Besides we have to go on a promotion meeting tomorrow with dinner, all the people are there and I want you Aaron, as well as the girls to meet some important people that may do you good for your carrier.

Nick sighed. His mother was always into business and this was no exception. She was going on and on talking about Aarons upcoming tour and that he wasn't exersising enough. Nick started to open his mouth, but was cut off again, " And you young man needs to get in shape too. You two are much too lazy for your own good," she concluded as she left the room again, not waiting for her sons to give back an respond.

Another sigh came from Nick. His realtion with his mother was pretty much the same as it had always been. Cold and rather professional. Jane was a true stage mom. Looking at Aaron he hoped that she wouldn't push him too far, like she had done at times with him. Giving a quick look at his little brother he saw that his mother had been right. Aaron looked like crap. It was like he was nervous for something. Maybe he was coming down with the same shit as he had been batteling all week. That would be great. Two sickheads in the same house. His mother would laugh from joy, or then maybe not.

After playing Nintendo in silence for a while Nick felt obligated to start an conversation. Aaron looked like he was in his own thoughts all the time. It was like he was down or something, not his own talkative self. He needed some cheering up.

" Hey squirrel," Nick said, patting the teen on his head, " Do you wanna sleep over at my room tonight? Like old times."

Aaron shrugged, " I'll guess he said," lacking enthusiasm.

Frowning Nick asked, " Mom ain't right is she. You're not getting sick or somethin'?"

"NO!," Aaron shouted, jerking back as Nick tried to check him out for fever, " I've just have alot of things on my mind."

" Yeah like what?" Nick laughed, " Girl trouble?" He ruffled the blondes hair.

" No, and knock it off," Aaron tried to get away. " Stop it, you know I hate that!"

" Yeah and I luuuuuuv it," Nick grinned, then continued with the tourture, but Aaron wasn't too pleased, " Leave me alone!" With that he stood up and ran out from the room, leaving a stunned Nick. Hormons, he thought, shaking his head.

Back in his room Aaron lay on the bed, upset and mad. Nick was playing some game with him. Acting like everything was normal, yet there were something wrong with him. And his mother never listened. Like if that was something new.

*******************

It was midnight and Aaron was laying in bed. In his brothers room. After his fit Nick came up to talk to him and after a while he had agreed to bunk at Nick's room for the night. Now he was alone in the room since Nick was in the adjoining bathroom, getting ready for bed.

He typed in the word " shortness of breath and sick" and there were many sympthoms coming up. A whole list of diseases. all from heart failure and cancer to drugs and common cold. Aaron eyed them up and down when he suddenly heard Nick saying, " What are you looking at?" Quickly he shut off the computer. There were no need in having his brother see what he was searching for.

" What? Uh..not much." He said, sounding way too innocent for Nick to buy it.

" Are you watching porn now again?;" Nick laughed as he crawled into bed.

" No," Aaron was starting to get upset, " Why is it that whenever I am out on the net everybody thinks that I am watching nude babes?"

" Beacuse you usually are," Nick said, yawning and getting a snort back. " Hey dude, do you mind if I turn out the light. I'm getting really sleepy here?"

" No, s'okey," Aaron said as he rolled to his side, so that he could face Nick. He was laying beside his brother in the twin bed. Like they had done so many times, but then it was bunk beds, when they were younger.

There were a bit of silence before Aaron broke it with an loud fart.

" Hey man, " Nick laughed, " That was one was nasty!"

Aaron giggled, " Yeah you should know, you've taught me." He ripped another one.

" I did not," Nick said, defending himself. But he was still laughing, " Aww man, that one was ripe! What the hell did you eat???" The older boy held his nose, trying to black out the foul stentch.

" He hehehe..nothing compared to this," Aaron let go with another one go, even meaner than before, and this had Nick yelling, " Fresh air. I need fresh air." He sounded like he couldn't breath, grabbing his throat and for a while Aaron got afraid that there might be something else and he stopped giggling. With Nick one never knew.

" You better stop that man, or you're out of here. For good!"

Feeling relieved, Aaron laughed again. " If you think that those were bad, then check this one out," he made a threat and Nick swiftly threw himself over his little brother.

" Nooooo Niiiiiiiccckkkk!!!," Aaron yelled. " You're crushing me."

" Good, no more farts then." Nick was holding his brother down, tickle him, and Aaron complained loudly. " Get off me, you PIG!" He was trying hard to break loose. The response were more tickling.

" I caaaaannntttt breathe," the teen panted, trying to get some air.

" Serves you right for poluting the air," Nick chuckled.

Aaron was starting to get really uncomfortable and he mumbled, " Nick, stop it!!!"

" Ok," slowly Nick rolled off his brother, and Aaron could finally get some air. " Gosh, Nick. You most weigh a ton," he complained, instantly regretting his words when he saw the reflection of sadness that clouded his brothers eyes. " Man, I didn't mean it like that I just.."

" S' ok" Nick interrupted him. " We better sleep now anyway."

" Mhm."

" And Aaron?"

"Yes?"

" No more farts. Or else I'm gonna kick your ass!"

" I'll try. Promise," Nick chuckled and Aaron couldn't help but grin. Bathroom humour always had them going.

There were silence for a while before Aaron called out," Nick?"

" Yeah?"

" You're ok?".

" Sure"

" True?"

" Yeah, now go to sleep or I'm gonna kick your ass."

Aaron smiled, snuggling up. Nick was the best.

************

3 am!

Nick tried to see the figures, but it was way to blurry to make anything out. He'd waken up after yet another nightmare, drenched in coldsweat. Pulling his hand trough his hair it came away all wet. The t-shirt that he wore to bed was stuck to his body and he shivered slightly. His skull was pounding fiercely and he had an undescribed feeling in the pit of the stomach.

Looking at the side he saw that Aaron was snoring softly. The boy looked so peaceful and Nick couldn't help smiling despite his own misery. Another shiver wracked his body and he decided that he needed to shred these clothes and get into the shower. Sitting up, carefully not to disturb the teen, Nick set his bare feet on the floor. Aaron was mumbling something in his sleep and Nick tensed. Shit, he better not wake up since the strange feeling in the stomach had suddenly turned to nausea and the salty taste in his mouth told him that he might hurl.

And he there were no need for his brother to witness such an event.

" Nick?" there were a rustle in the bed. Crap, not now, Nick thought as he was about to stand up.

" Where are you going?" the teen asked, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

" Shhh..go to sleep," Nick mumbled, " I just have to take a leak."

" Hmnm..," Aaron mumbled, tightning the sheet closer to him.

Breathing a sigh of relief Nick made it to the bathroom. After getting a quick glance in the mirror he was met with shock. The face staring back at him was pale with red splotches in his skin. His eyes were red, especially underneath them. In short he looked sickly. Taking up his damp t-shirt he gave an disgruntled sound. Even if he didn't have much of an apetite these days he still looked like the marshmelllow man!

Stepping into the shower, he gripped his stomach. Ouch it hurt!!! There were a pain that was worse than he ever felt and all his strength drained off him. Bending over he tried to get his body into control. Praying he hoped that the pain would lessen and that Aaron didn't have to wake up to witness this.

The pain gradually lessened and he was able to stand up again. Maybe it was just stomach cramps. With that he turn on the watertap. It felt good as the water lessened his pain even more and he started to feel like a human again. As he was about to dry himself there were a shout from the bedroom.

" Nick??? What are you doing?"

" Taking a shower, go to sleep again," Nick said, not wanting to alarm his little brother,

" Yeah, hrm..are you ok?"

" Uh huh..now sleep!" There were a reason for Nick being short with his words. The cramps were back and this time he was sure that he would hurl too. Moving at the speed of light he made it to the bowl just in time for the dinner to re-appear again in a not so nice way.

In the bedroom Aaron heard alarmingly how his brother was sick again. An uneasy feeling crept upon him and he wanted to go to his parents. Getting up from bed he walked nervously to the well lit bathroom. Seeing Nick hunched over made him feel unease.

"Nick?," he murmured softly, getting no response from his sick brother. " Do you want me to get mom and dad?"

All he got was an negative respond back as an shake of the head.

" You're sick, you need some help." Aaron stated, not wanting to drop the subject. He was shivering from fright since he didn't know what to do when his brother was feeling this bad.

Between the heaves Nick managed to choke out, " I'm fi..fine."

" Fine!," Aaron snorted. " And my name is Santa!!"

Despite his miserable state Nick couldn't help to make a small smile, just to be interupted with another bout. This sucked. The teen shivered even more and he held his arms together to get some warmth. Nick sounded so bad and he didn't know what to do. Being the baby in the family he had never been good at dealing with sickness. Tears started to run down his cheeks.

Noticing his little brother crying silently Nick felt bad for scaring him, putting him in an position like this. After regaining some strength he mumbled, " Aaron calm down. It's just stomach flu."

The small blonde nodded, wiping off the tears with the back of his hand. " You're sure?" he asked hesitantly.

" Yes, and don't go to mom and dad. They will just get upset."

Aaron nodded. His brother was right. They didn't take situations like this very well. With a sigh he sank down beside Nick. Even if his brother was sick he would be there for him, even if it just meant that he would be there with his precence.

This was going to be a long christmas night!

Swollen Issues - Chapter Nine Thoughts rushed through Aaron’s head as he heard the water running in the shower. Memories of the fun times he shared with Nick, happier times were filling his troubled mind. Then the arguments his parents had over his brother interrupted his pleasant thoughts. Things had changed in his family, Mom had changed.

Aaron’s mind was brought back to the present when he heard the distinctive sounds of Nick gagging in the bathroom, apparently nothing left in his stomach to throw up, the dry heaves making him moan from his already tender stomach. Grabbing the blankets, Aaron pulled the covers over his head in hopes to drown out the sounds.

‘Was Nick really sick with a stomach flu or did he have an eating disorder?’ Aaron questioned himself. All the signs and the symptoms that was listed on the internet were there. It made sense to him. The one thing that scared Aaron the most was the thought of losing his brother. This illness could kill Nick if he didn’t get the help he desperately needed.

He wanted Nick to get the help, but he wasn’t sure how to go about doing it. His mother was certain that Nick was gaining weight but her only remarks had been that Nick was throwing his career away with every pound he gained. If he went to his mother, that would make Nick mad and he would never talk to him again and his mother would surely be riding Nick’s back on that.

The sound of Nick choking between heaves was more than Aaron could take. His own stomach was starting to do some flip flops of it’s own and his mouth was starting to salivate as the nausea was building. Flinging the covers off, Aaron darted towards the door leading to the hallway. He needed to get sick and he needed to talk to his parents.

As the door to the room clicked shut, Aaron realized that he was stranded, no hotel card to get back and no card to get into his parent’s room. He needed to find a bathroom or something to throw up in NOW.

As if Aaron’s prayers were heard, the door to Brian’s room swung open. Without a moment’s hesitation, the blonde teen rushed past him, shoving him against the door. To Aaron’s horror, the bathroom door was closed, meaning that Leighanne was uing it. His eyes scanned the room and he quickly rushed over to the ice bucket, dumping the ice out onto the floor and immediately throwing up into it.

Brian rushed up to the young boy and started rubbing his back, trying to soothe Aaron when he began to cry. Aaron hated being sick and his emotions always went wild when he threw up. Once he was done being sick, Brian escorted him to the unoccupied bed.

“I gather Nick was using your bathroom?” Brian grinned slightly, trying not to show his concern too much in case it would worry Aaron.

“Yes, he was getting sick,” Aaron replied quietly, debating on how to tell Brian about his concerns for his big brother.

The grin faded and the concern was starting to show through his blue eyes. “Oh?”

As Aaron searched for the right words to tell Brian that he thought Nick was bullemic, he heard a soft gagging noise from the bathroom.

“Is she.... is Lee sick too?” Aaron stammered.

Brian stood up as the door opened to the bathroom, a pale looking Leighanne appeared in the doorway.

“I think she caught a flu bug,” he stated as he walked towards his wife.

“Oh,” Aaron replied. “That’s what Nick said he had too, a stomach flu.”

Helping his wife to bed and covering her up, Brian responded with, “Well, it’s going around and now it looks like you might have caught it too.”

Aaron shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah guessso.”

“Why don’t you stay put and I’ll go across the hall and check on your brother, he’s probably wondering where you ran off to,” Brian said in a calming voice.

Aaron settled back into the bed as he watched Brian walk out the door. He seemed to be so caring, Aaron decided. “Leighanne?”

“Yes, Aaron?”

“I think Brian would make a cool dad someday.”

Leighanne smiled at the thought. “Someday.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Nick? It’s me, Brian, open the door!”

Waiting patiently for Nick to come to the door, Brian wondered what really was happing with his little brother. He had seemed so moody lately, distant in some ways. Ever since Japan things seemed different with Nick and he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. The mumps had hit him hard, there wasn’t any denying that fact, but Brian couldn’t understand why Nick still looked heavier than normal. The other question was why was he still getting sick.

“You look like shit Nick,” Brian announced as Nick opened the door. Checking him out, Brian took in every clue on Nick. His face was pale, his hair was wet and sweaty looking. He looked drained of energy but then again he had just gotten sick and it was also past 2 o’clock in the morning.

“Thanks for stating the obvious, I feel like shit,” Nick sighed as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked warily over towards his brother’s bed and then did a quick double take when he noticed that no one was laying in it. “Where’s AC?”

“He’s across the hall in my room.”

“Why?”

“He had to get sick and I guess he panicked and ran out of your room and I just happened to have opened my door and the rest is history,” Brian replied.

“He had to get sick?” Nick groaned.

“He’ll live,” Brian responded with a grin. “Kids do that you know.”

Nick buried his head into his hands. “Well, I hope so, that kid has a tough schedule coming up and he needs to be healthy.”

Brian patted Nick’s leg. “I think you need to lay down and get some rest and don’t worry about Aaron for right now. It would probably be best if you two weren’t sharing a room together since you have the flu too. You’ll keep infecting each other and no one will get better. I would keep him with us but Leighanne is sick too so I’ll take him to your folk’s tonight,” Brian paused but then added once he saw the look on Nick’s face, “and you really don’t have any say in this because of the sorry state you’re in right now. Get some rest Nick, tomorrow should be a better day for everyone.”

With that said, Brian turned off the bathroom lights and softly closed the door to the hall. Going back to his hotel room, he went in and explained to Aaron that he needed to be spending the night with his parents to keep he and Nick from getting sicker from each other.

“Mom’s not going to be happy with me,” Aaron cried.

“She won’t be mad Aaron, it’s going to be okay,” Brian assured.

“You don’t know my Mom very well,” the boy protested as he walked with Brian towards his parent’s hotel room.

“You’ll see,” Brian stated with confidence as he knocked firmly on the hotel door.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Ten “Hello sir, I’m sorry to wake you up at this hour of the night, but Aaron got sick and well, I thought it would probably be a good idea for him to stay with y’all. I would keep him with Leighanne and myself, but she’s not feeling so hot herself this morning,” Brian announced to a sleepy Bob Carter when he opened the door to his hotel room.

“Bob? Who’s there?” Jane asked as she approached the door, wrapping the pink robe around her body.

“It’s okay dear, just Brian bringing Aaron to our room. Aaron’s sick.”

Jane pushed past her husband to get to her young son. She immediately placed an arm around Aaron’s shoulder. “Are you okay honey?”

Although sweaty and pale, Aaron managed to pipe up, “I’m fine Ma.”

Jane glanced up and down the hall and then fixed her gaze on Brian’s face. “Where’s Nick?”

Sensing that Jane wasn’t very pleased with the fact that Brian was the one to bring Aaron to them, Brian tried to think of a good excuse that would keep her from blowing up. “Well, Nick isn’t feeling too well himself and I insisted that he stay in his room.”

“What exactly is wrong with Nick now?” Jane spat.

“He was getting sick too, Momma,” Aaron offered. “He told me he had the stomach flu, just like me and just like Leighanne, right Bri?”

“Bob, please take Aaron in and get him settled into a bed, I’ll be in in a minute, I need to talk to Brian,” Jane directed.

Bob exchanged a worried glance with Brian as he guided his young son into the hotel room leaving Jane standing in the hall to confront Brian. Once she decided that Aaron was out of hearing range, she started carrying on with a full scale attack.

“First off, I want to thank you for bringing Aaron down to us. He doesn’t need to be getting infected anymore than what he is already. Nick should have known better than to spread his germs on his brother. Aaron has a very strenouous tour coming up and that would be typical of Nick to just ruin it for him,” Jane stated icily.

“But Mrs. Carter, I don’t think that Nick did this intentionally, and for all we know, maybe Aaron gave the bug to his brother,” Brian stated in Nick’s defense.

Jane rolled her eyes at the simple assumption that Aaron could have passed the bug onto Nick. “No, Brian, you don’t understand. Nick isn’t in the best of health lately because of the abuse he’s put on his body. I’m sure you can see that, you’re a smart boy.”

Brian narrowed his eyes at Nick’s mother. “I don’t follow you.”

Throwing her hands up in the air, Jane let out a sarcastic laugh. “He’s getting fat and the only thing that goes with gaining weight is lack of exercise and proper eating habits. Fat people are prone to getting sick and so it’s clear to me that Nick made Aaron sick.”

Brian’s became flushed with anger. ‘How could she be so cold and callous? She was talking about her own flesh and blood, not something that had a price tag attached to it!’ he thought to himself.

“I’ll admit that Nick has put on a little weight---”

”A little? Oh Brian, it’s more than a little, he looks like he could be five months pregnant! That’s more than a little!”

Brian gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. “Listen, he’s your son, he needs help and he needs to hear it from you, something’s going on with him and I don’t know what, but all I know is that I think it’s something more than just bad eating habits.”

“He’s throwing his career away!” Jane cried.

“Is that all you care about? Don’t you care about your son?” Brian asked incredilously.

“Of course I care about my children, but what I’m seeing right now is a man that is becoming self centered and not taking care of himself and his looks are paying for it dearly,” Jane countered.

Brian tried his best to keep calm, but was losing the battle more and more each time that Jane opened her mouth with accusations about Nick. Unbeknownst to the them, Nick was in the hall, standing behind a potted plant, listening to every word that was exchanged between the adults.

Self centered, getting fat and not taking care of himself, stung Nick’s heart. How could his own mother make such judgements and accusations? Worse was how could his own mother accuse him of making his brother sick? Now she was verbally attacking the only friend in the world Nick figured he had at this point.

”THAT’S ENOUGH!” Nick bellowed in the hall, causing a quick halt in the heated conversation that Jane and Brian were having.

Jane whirled around to face her oldest son’s voice, her mouth agape. “Nicky, don’t yell in the hall,” she admonished.

Summoning up the courage to state the next phrase was an easy task for Nick since he was filled with so much rage and hatred towards his mother at that exact moment, he said something to her he never had said to her, let alone in front of her in all of his life:

”FUCK YOU!”

As Nick turned away from his mom and best friend, he had the permanent memory of the shocked look on her face etched into his brain - forever. He didn’t care either.

“Nick!” Brian called out.

Nick kept walking, ignoring the footsteps that were Brian’s rushing up to him.

“Leave me alone, there’s nothing more to say,” Nick ordered as he kept walking towards his room.

“That’s no way to talk to your mother,” Brian scolded.

Nick stopped and his shoulders sagged. “No mother would say the words she spoke,” he stated bitterly. Without any more words, Nick slipped the card into the slot and pushed his way into the room and slammed the door shut behind him, not allowing Brian in.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 11

" That is it!," Brian Littrell fumed as he came inside the hotel room. Leighanne, pale and weak from her last bout with "the stomach flu" looked up from her bed, as her husband entered the room.

" What is it honey?" she said softly, as she saw that he was red in his face. From anger. Something most have upset him grately as Brian was a person that very rarely had outburst or got mad.

" That Carter woman is completly insane!" he hissed as he went over to the closet, pulling out the suitcase.

" What? What have happend?" she asked, when she saw Brian swung the suitcase open and start throwing clothes in there. " What are you doing honey?"

" We´re going back home. I won´t stay another day here in this lunatic house. And I don´t care that it´s christmas eve" Brian was so angry that he was shaking and he continue to empty drawers, throwing in clothes in the suitcase.

" What are you saying?" She shook her head, in an attempt to clear her mind. " Honey, calm down, tell me what is wrong. Did something happend when you went over with Aaron?" she continued, determinded to find out what was bothering so much that he was ready to fly back home. Taking his hand she stopped his actions and she said gently, " Brian, look at me, tell me what is upsetting you."

These words had Brian sighing. Deeply. Sitting down on the bed beside her, he started to tell what had went on in the Carter bedroom and as his story went along she frowned more and more. This was no good. " So as you can see honey, it´s better that we leave this place. I can not look that woman in her eyes anymore." He let out a deep breath.

After thinking for a while, Leighanne nodded. " Yes Bri, I think it´s better that we leave. It´s clearly that we are not wanted here anymore." With that she stood up and started to fold the clothes that her husband so carelessly had throwned in the suitcase.

" Ok," Brian was silent before he spoke up again, " I will go and tell Nick that we are leaving. I feel bad for leaving him behind. Maybe I should ask if he wants to come with us?" Thinking of his younger brother had him feel sad and worried and if he could prevent any disaster he would do it. Nick meant alot to him and he had a hard time watching as Nick was slowly draining away. Not litterarly, but mentally. It hurt to watch someone that you loved die away infront of your eyes.

" Do you think that it should be such a good idea?" Leighanne said honestly, " Nick needs to sort things out with his family and if he keeps running away from all of his problems, it´s not going to help him at all. We all have our ghosts that we have to face."

Brian nodded. His wife was right. Making Nick leave his family was the last thing that he wanted to do. Even if he deep in his heart had a feeling that Nick had been on that journey for a long time now.

" Yes baby, I just go and tell him goodbye then, and that I call him tomorrow, ok?"

" Sounds fine to me. Give him my love too. I call the airport to book a flight back home" Leighanne felt relieved. She had never liked the Carters and hadn´t been too happy when her husband had said that they were suppose to spend christmas with them. But she also knew Brians concern for Nick and would never go between their friendship. No matter what the media said. At least not volountarily.

" Yes honey," Brian couldn´t help but smile. His wife was the best that have happend to him. Ever. With that he left the room.

Standing outside Nicks door he listened closely with his ear againts the door. There were no sounds coming from the room and at once Brian feared that something might have happend. He had lately an uneasy feeling when it came to Nick. Like he was afraid that something bad would happend. He would never forgive himself if Nick harmed himself.

" Nick," he called out, knocking one more time on the door. Still no sound.

" Nick, come on. I know you're in there. Nick open up!" He kept knocking, but the blonde was either too stubborn or too sick to open the door. Thinking of the latter he felt an sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Comforting himeself he debated that Frack was probably just being his own stubborn self and that there were nothing to worry about.

" Nick, I just want you to know that me and Leigh are leaving. We thought it would be best so, under the circumstances. Besides Leigh is feeling sick and she says that she don´t want to be an nuasance for your family."

Still no sound.

" I will call you buddy later tonight, Ok?"

Silence.

Brian sighed. Fine, if Nick wanted to be that way he could do nothing about it. Now he just wanted to get out from this hotel since he felt like he would suffercate if he was here longer than nessesary. Jane was using up all his air supply.

" Bye Nick. I love ya, Bud," he said as an last sentence, before walking away.

Something in his heart told him that he had done a wrong descision. But now it was no way he could change his plans. Too late. Walking over to the Carter bedroom he knocked at the door, expecting an angry Jane to rip his head off. Brian was not an person that was easy to annoy, but if there were one person that made him see red it was Jane Carter. Nicks mom.

During the years in the backstreet boys, Nick had told him stories that made his ear prick up. The blonde was clearly neglected from his family, mainly his mom. Brian had nothing against Bob, on the contrary, but he was a person that was not heard very often and Brian had an impression that he did whatever Jane told him to do. Always.

" What???" Janes voice sounded through the door and Brian could tell that she was not very happy. As she opened the door, her hair was all tousled and she looked like she had an nervous breakdown.

" What do YOU want?" she asked hostile, " Haven´t you done enough harm already?"

Brian bit his lip. There were no use in making this scene any worse than there is and he had to take a deep breath before continuing, " Mrs Carter, I just came to inform you that me and my wife have decided to leave the hotel today. It´s better due to the situation that we´re in."

Jane, who had opened her mouth to say something, said with coldness in her voice, " Yes Mr Littrell. I think that it´s the best." She was about to say something more when they heard Aaron crying from his bed, desperately, " Mom!" and then there were harsh sounds from someone being violently sick.

Brian winced.

" I have to go to my baby, he needs me," she informed him sourly, " Good day to you." With that she shut the door into his face.

Brian was left standing there in the hallway, not knowing what to say or do and as he started to walk down the corridor. Feeling defeated, he heard a male voice call out for him. Turning around he saw Bob standing there in an bathrobe.

" Yes?"

" Brian, I just want you to know that me and Jane both appreciate that you helped Aaron." he said, mumbling.

Brian nodded. Not too convinced that the words that the elder man had uttered were true. At least not that part about Jane.

" Brian, I also want you to know that I feel sorry for this. I know that Jane can be a bit harsh sometimes, but she has a good heart." It was like Bob was defending his wife and Brian felt his stomach ache from witness this.

"I hope that you have no hard feelings." There were a bit of silence before Bob continued, " Do you?"

At that second Brian didn´t know what to answer. He was so angry that he was boiling inside. Yet it didn´t help to let the anger out and deep inside his heart he felt sorry for the family. Bob looked so small where he was standing and the sadness that he witnessed in the older man eyes made his own heart ache. " No Bob," he smiled back to the nervous man, " No hard feelings."

It was like something heavy was lifted from the elder mans shoulders and he smiled back, " Thank you!" He looked relieved as he opened the door to get inside again.

Brian felt good that he finally managed to make someone happy. Since he was failing badly with getting Nick contend. Thinking of Nick, Brian saw his chance. If he could not be there for Nick he could at least talk his father into being there for him. Being supportive. " Mr Carter."

Bob turned around, " Yes?"

" I want you to promise to look after Nick, there might be something wrong with him and I am seriously worried." Brian talked so fast that his words almost stuck in his throat.

The older man nodded with sadness in his eyes, " Yes Brian there is," He draw his breath as he continued, " And I will look," His words were interupted as Janes high pitched voice sounded through the corridor, " Bob, come here at once. The kid is throwing up all over the bed!"

Looking a bit embarressed, the man instantly said, " I have to go inside. Jane needs me." He gestured with his head towards the door and as another "BOB!!!" was heard, he instantly went inside, shutting the door with a bang.

Brian sighed.

Several hours later Brian and Leighanne was situated in the plane seat, wating for take off. They had managed to catch an flight to Kentucky and Brian could tell that his wife was very happy. But Brian was not happy at all. He still had an sinking feeling in his stomach when he thought about the Carters, especially Nick.

" What is it honey?" Leighanne asked, placing her hand on her husbands arm.

" Nothing," Brian didn´t want to talk about the morning since his wife had enough things to worry about. Batteling an uneasy stomach.

Leighanne was not that easily fooled and she said with concern in her voice, " Brian, I know that something is eating you. Does it have to do something with Nick?"

After denying that issue several times Brian finally gave in and he whispered, " Yes, I have an gut feeling that something bad will happend to Nick. And that I am doing nothing to stop it."

" Honey, Nick will be just fine. He just caught the nasty bug that is going around. Same as Aaron, and he will be up in action in no time. Don´t worry." She kissed him on his cheek.

Brian smiled paley. " Yes darling, I´ll guess that you´re right. I am just being too over concerned for him. As always. But you know he is my little brother."

" Yes, Brian I know." Leighanne said with an sigh, " But you know Nick is growing up. He is a man now and I promise you that Nick can take care of himself. He can handle this."

Brian nodded. " Yes honey. I will try to get a few hours eyes shut. You should do that too." With that he put an blanket on his wife and kissed her. Leaning back in the comfy leather seat he closed his eyes. Hoping that Nick was feeling as good as he did. He knew that it was far from the truth. Something was terrible wrong with his friend. Brian intended to find out what was the matter with Nick.

Before it was too late.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter Twelve

" Hello pugs, I´m home!" Nick called as he opened the door to his house. Instantly there were lots of barking and two dark muffs came running towards him in high speed.

" Aww man," Nick laughed as he sat down his suitcase, bending down just to be licked in his face by their rough toungue. " Hello boys," Nick chuckled as they attacked their master, happy to see that he had come home to them again.

" Ah Mr Carter, Welcome home," A womans voice said in broken english. It was his cleaning lady, an hispanic woman in her mid fifties, and Nick smiled gently to her. " Hello Julia."

" Did you have a good trip with your family, Mr Carter?"

" Yes," Nick said, lying trough his teeth. It had been an disaster, but that was not something that he would reveal to anyone and certainly not his cleaning lady. It was not that he didn´t trust her, NO, Julia was the best of cleaning ladies that he ever had. It was just that past all the years he had several times been let down by people who said that they were his friends and then went over to the tabloids magazines revealing private stuff as well as lies.

" Very well Mr Carter, I´ll take it that you will be going out tonight. Since it is New Years Eve!" Julia continued, looking at Nick with searching eyes.

Nick shook his head. " As a matter of fact No," with that he stood up, lifting his dogs away from his legs. " Calm down boys, I will let you out in a sec."

The cleaning lady frowned as Nick said lightly, " I think I will stay at home tonight. Order some take outs, just relaxing." This had Julia even more concerned, " Mr Carter, your friend Mike has called you several times. I think that he wants you to go to some party tonight. Also your band brothers have called you several times. Especially that nice man Mr Littrell."

" Ok," Nick said as he walked over to his sofa, picking up the controller in his hand he turned on the stereo. Music were blasting all over the room. Then he lay down, covering his hand over his eyes.

This action had Julia concerned and she walked over to the young man, " Mr Carter, You´re not feeling well?"

" I have an headache, Julia," he responded weakly, then he continued, " Can you please shut the blinds?"

The cleaning lady did as her boss said, but she couldn´t help wondering what was the matter with him. This was not like him to be so pale and also not wanting any company.

" Mr Carter, do you want me to cook you something?" she asked, not wanting to leave the sick man alone. She had a bad feeling and being the mother of five she could tell that there were something bothering the young pop star. Something more than just an plain headache.

" No thank you, Julia. You can go now," Nick mumbled as he rolled on his stomach, face down on the pillow. He was battering a bad headache and his stomach had been acting up again. This had probably to do with the all but calm flight. There had been lots of turbulence and Nick had been airsick all the time. Yet he could be grateful that he had nothing in his stomach to throw up, since he had taken care of that business earlier in the morning.

It was almost like he was suffering from morning sickness.

" Mr Carter, if you need something you can call me. I will be home since I am talking care of my small grandchildren."

Nick smiled. Julia was the best.

She had been there for him many more times then his own mom had been at his side. He knew that she was as concerned over him like he was her own child. But he wanted to keep it on an professional level and was very distinct in not letting her into his private life. Besides Julia was keeping an distance too, not wanting to name him Nick, even if he wanted her too. She had been at his household for almost 2 years old now and she was one of the few persons that he could trust.

" Thank´s, but I will be just fine."

" Good Mr Carter, then I let the dogs out. Ok?"

" Fine," Nick groaned as his stomach churned and he clutched it with his hands.

This had Julia frowning, " Maybe you should see an doctor Mr Carter. You´ve been often sick lately."

" It´s nothing. Aaron gave me some flu bug. He was sick all the time too."

" Ah..young Mr Carter," Julia said with a smile, then she turned seriously, " I hope he isn´t working as hard as you are Mr Carter."

Nick chuckled, " Don´t worry, he´ll be just fine."

" That is good to hear. Very well then Mr Carter, I am on my way then. Happy New Year."

" Yeah same to you too," Nick mumbled as another cramp took hold on his intestines.

As soon as Julia was out of his sight he flew up, running towards his bathroom, hand covering his mouth. Luckely he made it just in time as the dry heaves started. When he more than ten minutes later was finally done, he sank down on the tiled bathroom floor, too tired to do anything else than to just lay there, panting.

He most have dozed off as an loud shrill was heard in the room. A bit disoriented Nick thought that he had died and come to heaven and that it was the angels coming to pick him up. Then as he was starting to come more into focus he noticed that he was laying on the bathroom floor in his own house and that it was his phone that were making these loud noise.

Groaning he sat up, rubbing his sore stomach. As he steadied himself againts the wash basin, he stood up, on shaky legs and then walked with slow steps towards the phone in the living room. The stereo were at full blast and he winced at the sound. It was hurting his head.

" 'ello," he mumbled, trying to steady his voice with an cough.

" Nick?" It was AJ that was calling him and Nick just wanted to growl out loud.

" Yeah?"

" Nick, man, Are you ok?" AJ asked.

" Aha, just an headache." He murmured, laying down on the sofa, too weak to sit.

" You sound like shit!"

" Thanks for that one,Bone" Nick said a bit annoyed. He was not up to talking with anyone.

" You're sober?" AJ continued and those word had Nick even more upset. So Jay was calling him. Just to spy on him. Just peachy.

" Yeah"

" Ok, just checking." Nick could hear that AJ felt a bit bad for asking, but he also knew that AJ had suspected that he was the drinking binge. They had an long conversation after he had returned back to Japan and Nick had told AJ that there were no need for concern. He was a good boy.

" So what are you up to man? For tonight?"

" Nothing."

" Nothing? Nick it´s New Years Eve!" There were a mix of concern and suprise in his brothers voice.

" Yup, just chillin'"

" You have an chick there you stud muffin'?" AJ chuckled.

" No."

" What? You´re there all alone, Kaos?"

" Yes."

" Really?" AJ sounded worried.

" Yup, you heard me. It´s just me and my manhood." Nick stated a bit sourly, wanting the conversation to end. It hurt his head too much to talk.

There were a bit of silence before AJ said, " You´re all right , man?"

" Yes," Nick was fed up with Aj spying on him and he said, " I´ll better get going. I´m taking the pugs for a walk. Bye" Before Aj had an chance to ineterfer he hung up. Abruptly.

Sighing Nick thought what an asshole he was acting. He was telling everybody off and he had no idea why he did it. Was this the first sign of going insane? Or was there something else?

As the times passed on Nick felt more and more lonley. Never in his 21 year old life had he felt more alone. Celebrating New Years eve without his family and friends was something that sucked. Deeply. After flipping through his channels several times he decided that he needed something to cheer him up. He needed something to eat.

Walking out in the kitchen he opened the regrigerator. There were not much to say hurray for and he rulanctantly shut it again. Turning over to the cupboard he opened up, eyeing it for some candy. No such luck their either and Nick sighed. The mission not completed. As he was about to give up his quest he saw an unopen bottle of Jack Daniels starting back at him, and with some hesitation he took it down. After all it was New Years Eve. The holdiay when you´re suppose to celebrate, not sitting at home alone staring at some old black and white movies.

He poured up an glas and then took a swig. The alcohol burned down his throat and he coughed from the strong taste. Maybe this was not such an great idea, was his thought as he could feel his stomach ache from the strong liquid. Oh well, life was shitty enough as it was and a few drinks wouldn´t hurt. Grabbing the bottle he walked back to the sofa and sat down.

The evening passed along and soon Nick was punch drunk. He had devoured the whole bottle and it was coming close to twelve o clock and even if the phone had been ringing constantly he hadn´t answered it. Ever since the last phone call with AJ he was sure that they were just checking up on him and he already had one mother. He didn´t need another one. Thank you.

Not that his mother had called him. Not anyone in his family for that matter. He knew that Aaron was suppose to be on some promotion concert and he felt sorry for his little brother. Aaron was just a shell from what he used to be. He was always pale and looked totally unhealthy. Nick strongly suspected that he was running a too hard of a life. Probably directed by the firm as well as his mother. As an new year resolution he decided to try to spend more time with his brother. Aaron needed him and he needed Aaron.

Looking at his watch he saw that it was soon midnight. Another year 2002 was soon coming along. Pouring down the last drop of his Jack Daniels into an glass, Nick raised is hand in an cheer, " Happy New Year to you Nick Carter," he said as he drowned his last drops.

After that he passed out.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 13

At the beginning of the evening, Nick wasn’t too sure that he wanted to go out and club with his friend Mike and a few of Mike’s friends and their girlfriends, but once the night wore on, he decided this was the best he had felt about himself in months. It was almost as if he had a new lease on life - no stomach aches, no throwing up and his appetite was at normal levels for a change. Life was seeming to be good and all his cares were gone for the moment at least.

“Sooooo dude, aren’t y’all glad I talked your ass into coming along?” Mike grinned as he elbowed Nick.

Spilled the drink he had lifted towards his face, Nick glared at first and then his expression softened. “Yeah, it’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I’m glad you asked me.”

“Here, this is compliments of table sixteen,” the waitress stated as she snapped the gum in her mouth, setting down four assorted mixed drinks in front of Nick.

“Wow, you’re sure popluar!” one of the young women that accompanied Mike and Nick remarked.

Nick grinned as he eyed the free drinks that were lined in front of him. “Yep, perks of the bizz I guess,” he slurred.

“Well, don’t feel like you have to drink all of those,” Mike advised.

Nick put a defensive arm around the drinks. “These are mine and I know what I’m doing so back the fuck off.”

Putting his hands up as if to shield himself from Nick, Mike shook his head. “Wouldn’t think about taking your drinks, calm down buddy.”

In the beginning, Nick had no intention of drinking the drinks he had been given, but a challenge had been technically made and he was damned if he was going to let anyone tell him what he could or couldn’t do. He was sick of people telling him what to do, especially his mother.

“Fuck Jane,” Nick mumbled as he grabbed a drink and tossed it down his throat. Without even realizing it, he had drank all of the glasses of free drinks plus a few more that had come.

“Nicky, I think you’ve had enough,” Mike suggested.

“Nah, I’m ready to party some more,” Nick slurred and stood up clumsily. Grabbing a girl at random, Nick coaxed, “Come on pretty girl, let’s dance.”

The girl nervously went out with Nick onto the dance floor. She wasn’t nervous about dancing with Nick, she was more scared about what her boyfriend was going to do once he discovered her out dancing with a stranger when he returned from the bathroom. Her fears were soon realized when he started picking a fight with some of the patrons of the club as he tried to get to the dance floor and Nick.

Things went from bad to worse and within minutes the bouncers were swarming around the patrons trying to get them to leave the club. Full of alcohol, Nick’s common sense was temporarily on vacation and he flatly refused any attempts at being escorted peacefully from the club.

“Come on Nick, let’s just go home, okay?” Mike tried to get his friend to leave once they were outside of the club and grabbed Nick’s arm.

Nick managed to pull his arm away. “Leave me the fuck alone,” he hissed through gritted teeth.

Without warning, the bouncers came up to Nick’s table and asked them to leave the club. Words were exchanged between Nick and the men and he was told that someone in his party had become extremely intoxicated and was a danger to the bar, not to mention that he himself had caused a disturbance in the club when he danced with that woman.

“Oh come on, that’s just plain stupid,” Nick slurred.

“Well, if I weren’t mistaken there pal, you’ve had a little too much yourself,” the man joked.

“Yeah, well fuck you, pal,” Nick shot back. Feeling that he was being rushed out, he slowed his pace up and yelled out, “yeah...yeah..yeah, I’m fuckin’ going!”

Once escorted outside the club, Nick decided it was unfair and he tried to get back in. It wasn’t too hard to do because of his celebrity, but once he was discovered inside again, he was quickly escorted back outside by the same bouncer that asked him to leave earlier. Upset at being asked to leave, Nick became vocal and made threats and accusations.

“You can all go fuck yourselves! I don’t have to fuckin’ listen to any of your asses, dammit!” Nick kept yelling at the closed bar doors and finally kicked one of the doors and stormed off back towards the crowd that had gathered.

Several bystanders were egging Nick on when they noticed his uncoordinated steps and choice of words that he was shouting.

“You don’t have to take that Nick!”

“Tell them where they can stick it!”

“Way to go Nick!”

When the police arrived, Nick was full of rage and he wasn’t in any mood to listen to anyone or anything that had to do with authority at that point. He was arguing with a woman he didn’t know.

“Nick, you need to leave the premises,” the tall, slender policeman asked politely.

Nick glanced over his shoulder in the direction of the voice and simply shrugged and continued on with his heated conversation with the woman.

“Second chance Nick, please leave the premises,” the officer requested again.

The man calmly asked two more times and each time Nick chose to ignore his requests.

“Last time I’m asking you, please leave the premises,” the officer stated as he pulled the handcuffs out of the pouch attached to his belt.

Nick didn’t move quickly enough for the officer’s satisfaction and he quickly grabbed Nick’s arm and pulled one back and then the other and secured the handcuffs around his wrists.

“Hey! I going!” Nick yelped as the cuffs were snapped onto his wrists. The policeman firmly grabbed Nick’s left arm and pulled him in the direction of the white and blue patrol car. “Hey! I said I was going! You can’t do this!”

The man didn’t answer any of Nick’s pleas and went about his duty of leading his charge towards the car. Turning Nick around, he quickly patted him down and then pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. The final insult to the whole order for Nick was when the man placed a hand ontop of Nick’s head, and forced him to sit down in the back seat.

“You can’t do this to me..... I’ve never been arrested, I didn’t do anything!” Nick protested loudly.

“Just stay still and be quiet, you need to cool off for a while, Nick,” the officer replied as he settled back into the front seat of the patrol car. He pulled the driver’s license out and started writing a ticket out.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Nick kept protesting over and over.

The officer seemed to be deaf to Nick’s complaints and when he finally finished the work he had been doing, he slid out of the car and closed the door, leaving Nick in the back seat by himself to contemplait the situation he landed himself in.

Embarrassment and humiliation set in and Nick hung his head, trying to block out the stares and camera flashes that were penetraiting the windows of the vehicle.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Nick started sobbing. He realized he was going to get into trouble with management once this hit the media and the fact that Bruce wouldn’t be too pleased with the latest trouble Nick found himself in had him scared. Thinking about what Brian would say to him only made Nick more upset. He felt as if he let his friends down. He let the tears flow that he had held in.

“It’s okay to cry,” he consoled himself.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 14

Nick drew in a sharp breath as he tried to fasten the button on his jeans. He knew that something was definately not right with himself, but he had tossed it off as thinking he would get better, it was just after effects from having the mumps a few months ago.

Dieting hadn’t seem to have made much difference in his appearance. Management never really let that issue go. The arrest didn’t help in matters much either. Once the media had gotten wind of that night, Nick was hounded day and night by reporters, people he used to think were his friends were teasing him. MJ from the radio was no exception to that rule either. When Nick discovered that they had dedicated sections of the radio station’s webpage, he retreated further into his shell, wanting to hide from everyone and everything.

Depression set in and with depression came the binge eating. Throwing up helped out with some of it - not by his choice - but Nick couldn’t help but notice that although the scales pretty much stayed within a 5-10 pound fluctuation, his stomach still looked like it was getting puffier.

Crying out from the pain, Nick realized that something had to be done and his making the doctors appointment for this morning was in his best interests. Taking the jeans off, he pulled out a pair of navy blue sweats and slipped them on. Sweats had been his only friend for the past few months. It was the only thing that seemed to not bother his stomach as much.

Taking a look into the full length mirror, he was disgusted at the reflection. He decided he looked fat.

“Well the N’sync fans are probably liking this,” Nick mumbled as he closed the closet doors. Slipping on his ball cap and grabbing his wallet and keys, he headed out to the garage and climbed into the baby blue BMW convertable.

The drive wasn’t long enough, Nick decided as he pulled into the parking lot of Dr. Greg Santos, MD. He had never been to this doctor before but after talking with his family doctor on the phone about his symptoms, he referred Nick to this specialist, which actually had Nick a bit scared.

Pulling the bill of the cap down onto his forehead, Nick silently prayed he wouldn’t encounter anyone. The Florida morning sunshine was bright and Nick cursed himself for leaving his sunglasses in the car as he approached the building. Once inside, he was momentairly blinded by the darkness.

The smell of the office indicated that new carpet had been laid recently and the walls freshly painted. The scent touched off his asthma and he coughed lightly a couple of times before he approached the receptionist’s window.

“I have a 9 o’clock appointment with Dr. um....” Nick hesistated trying to remember the name.

“Dr. Santos?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” he grinned nervously.

“Have a seat, I’ll let them know you’re here,” the red haired woman replied as she picked up the receiver and dailed a number.

Retreating to the farthest corner of the waiting room, Nick was thankful that it was empty. The music that was piped into the office was typical elevator music and the magazines on the tables ranged from People to Modern Maturity and Social Security Living.

Nick became annoyed when his nose started running. At least he wasn’t coughing anymore but the office definately wasn’t a friend to his allergies for some reason. Must be the fresh paint, he decided. As he reached for a tissue, a nurse appeared in the office doorway.

“Nick?”

Without hesitating, Nick followed the woman through the maze of halls. Instead of going into another room, she stopped by the scales.

“Can we just skip this part?” Nick pleaded with a slight smile.

The nurse chuckled. “I thought women were the only ones self conscious about our weight, nope, hop on, I promise it won’t hurt,” she stated as she gestured to the scale with her pen.

“Peachy,” Nick mumbled as he stood on the digital scale.

“Two twenty-nine,” she stated mechanically. “Follow me.”

Nick rolled his eyes when he heard the numbers for his weight. No doctor’s scales were ever right in his opinion, his home scales said he weighed two twenty-two and that was yesterday morning. Before he got sick his weight usually fell between 210 to 215 ranges. His weight had definately gone up.

After the nurse checked his blood pressure and noted that his temperature was 100.1, and talked about why Nick was here to see the doctor, she closed the chart and told Nick that Dr. Santos would be in to see him in a few minutes.

The door closed and Nick was left alone in the quiet room. Alone with his thoughts.

The wait gave him more time to wonder if this was really such a good idea. He started to think again that it was just a weight problem and nothing more. Nick decided that he would be too embarrassed to hear the doctor tell him that he just needed to diet and exercise more and he started to stand up to leave.

The door opened and a tall, older pepper haired Latino man entered the room.

“Hi Nick, I’m Dr. Greg,” he said as he offered his hand for Nick to shake.

Nervously, Nick took his hand and gave him a firm handshake.

“I talked with Dr. Messner yesterday and he told me about what’s been going on with you, but I would like to hear your side of the story now,” Dr. Santos started out as he sat down on the stool and placed the chart on the counter.

“Um...” Nick was still unsure if he really needed to be there and he ran the palms of his hands back and forth on his sweatpants. “Well, I’ve been getting sick and um, I had the mumps a few months ago and um, well, um it’s probably nothing...” his voice trailed off, he didn’t even want to make eye contact with the doctor he felt so silly about being there to begin with. “I’m probably wasting your time.”

“Nonesense!” the doctor smiled. “Why don’t you hop up onto the table and I’ll check your stomach.”

‘Great,’ Nick thought to himself. ‘He’s gonna see my gut and know that I’ve been sitting on my ass and letting myself get soft. Bruce is right, I should stick to lettuce.’

It took only two seconds when Dr. Santos started pressing onto his stomach that Nick cried out sharply.

“Oooh.”

“Sorry,” the doctor apologized. Instead of stopping, he kept palpitating Nick’s stomach pressing down and each time he pressed, Nick cried out in pain. Once the doctor had finally finished with examining Nick’s stomach he had him sit up and he felt the sides of his neck and under his arms.

“Excuse me for a moment, I’ll be right back,” Dr. Santos stated as he quickly left the room.

Nick wasn’t sure what was going on, but he was a little concerned that the doctor had caused so much pain by pressing on his stomach. After roughly five agonizing minutes, the doctor returned to the exam room.

“Nick, I’d like to have you admitted to the hospital for tests---”

“Absolutely not! I can’t, my schedule is too strict,” Nick lied when he interrupted the doctor. He could bend his schedule but he didn’t want to admit to the man that he was deathly afraid of hospitals and more importantly needles.

“I had the feeling you would react that way. I’ve scheduled some tests to be done and I guess you’ll just have to plan on spending the rest of today at the hospital then. Can I ask why you don’t want to stay overnight at the hospital?”

“Um, well, I have to fly out to Cali in a day and it’s just too hard to explain I guess,” Nick mumbled.

“I see,” the doctor gazed at Nick over the tops of the reading glasses that were perched on the end of his nose. “Okay, well then, you need to go to St. Mary’s outpatient and they will be waiting for you. I guess you will have to call me for the results the day after tomorrow.”

“What kind of tests?”

“I’ve ordered blood draws, a MRI and a cat scan, they’re pretty painfree Nick, well the blood draw I’m sure you’ve had one before, but the other tests are just simple x rays, nothing to get worked up over,” Dr. Santos smiled.

Nick swollowed nervously. “What do you think is wrong with me?”

The smiled faded from Dr. Santos’ face. He sighed before speaking. “I’m not sure yet and I won’t know until all the test results are back. Your spleen is enlarged and I felt a few swollen lymph glands.”

“So what does that mean? I’ve still got the mumps?”

“No Nick, this could be anything from a bad case of mono up towards something very serious.”

Nick could tell the doctor was hiding something from him. “Serious as in?”

“I’m suspecting cancer.”

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 15

' Cancer, Cancer,' Nick tested the word in his mind over and over again. The doctor had said that he suspected that he had that awful disease. That can´t be right, Nick decided. People that were old got it, children got it but not young people. And certainly not people that were in the top of their lives. It had to be some mistake. Ok, he had been feeling lousy for awhile and that could very well be that he had mono or something, but definatly NOT cancer. No way!

With that he buckled up in his car and drove away from the medical practice. He knew that they were expecting him at the hospital, yet he decided that the tests had to wait. He didn´t have the strength to deal with something like this, not when he was in the middle of starting to work on his solo album as well as going with Kevin to the AMA awards.

It couldn´t hurt if he waited another week, could it?

After all he had been sick so long that he didn´t even remember any longer how it felt like to be feeling fine. First it had been the tour that had really stressed him out, and before that it had been AJ´s drug abuse. Thinking back the last year he hadn´t been hundred percent well ever since that South American Tour. But then he had caught some nasty stomach virus that had left him incapacitated for nearly two weeks. Ok he had done the concerts, but that was about it. Tiffany, his previous girlfriend had told him to seek medical help for that virus, but he had laughed it off. Now the suspecions arised. What if it wasn´t an virus? What if THAT was cancer?

Nick shivered in the hot Florida sun. Both from sickness as well as feeling scared. He was very split when it came to this issue. Maybe the doctor was wrong in his assumptions, shit that can happen, he consolled himself. But then what if the doctor was right? He knew deep inside that he should do those tests but to tell the truth they scared the shit out of him.

As he was about to turn on the highway going to his house in Tampa, the sign hospital flashed infront of his eyes and without thinking he turned towards St. Mary's hospital. It was like his mind wanted to go somewhere else but his body was telling him otherwise. Before he knew it he had parked in front of the big hospital. He hesitated for a moment before turning off the engine, closing his eyes he leaned his head back on the head rest. What if there would be someone that would recognize him? Rumors would likely start and soon the whole world would know that he, Nick Carter, was being tested for cancer.

What would the guys say?

Grinning to himself he thought that Bone would probably come up with something clever like "Shit Kaos, what if the cat scan shows what we have all been suspecting for so long that you´re lacking a brain!" He was ready to slap himself in the face, what was he sitting and doing?`Thinking the worst! That was no good for him, besides, he decided, I do not have cancer, I probably have something as simple as mono.

Just when he had mustered up courage to step out of the car, his cell phone gave away a loud signal. With an sigh, mixed with relief and irritation he answered the phone.

"Nick here," he said as cheerful as he could, not wanting to betray the nervousness that was fluttering inside his stomach . There was silence in the other line, just someone breathing hard and instantly his temper rose. 'Probably some damned fan,' he decided and was about to hang up when he heard someone sobbing on the other line.

" Nick, Nick are you there?"

"Aaron?" , He recognized that voice even if he was thousands miles away. His little brother was the most dearest to him. "Aaron what is it?" he asked softly.

"I..I..I..just can´t..I..can´t," the teen on the other line sobbed.

Nicks heart beated faster and momentarily he forgot all of his owns aches and worries. "Has something happened?"

"No...No..,It´s just..tha..that.. they want me to do a tour and a video and tv shows and I am so tired."

Nick's heart ached when he heard his little brother's cracked voice. He had been in that position way too many times and he knew very well what Aaron felt. He also had a feeling that the teen was pushed way too hard.

"Have you talked to mom?" Nick doubted that it would improve anything.

"Ye..yes, but.. sh..she won´t listen."

Nick sighed heavily. That he could have figured out with his small toe. "Ok listen, I have something that I have to do right now, I´ll call you later. Ok?" He tried to sound very causal about the whole topic.

Aaron wasn´t about to hang up. "Nick?" he asked in a tone that had his older brother all concerned.

"Yeah?"

"Can´t you come home now when you go to LA? Like stay here?" the teen begged.

Now Nick felt bad. The tone of his brother's voice betrayed him and he knew how much Aaron needed him right now. Yet there were not a chance that he could stay at his parents house since their relation was very frosty, especially after his arrest and the past months of fights. His family wouldn´t understand and he felt that there was enough trouble as it was.

" No kiddo, they have already reserved hotel rooms and I can´t change that," he lied, hearing the disappointment in Aarons voice, " Ok..okey. But I'll tell you, if I get some downtime I can call you and we could shoot some hoops, what do you say?" Doing sports can´t be bad, right?, Nick thought as his minds drifted off towards Dr. Santos words.

" Sure," There were an silence and then, " Sorry to bother you."

Nick felt bad. " No, no you´re not bothering me. It´s just that I have to be at an appointment now and.."

His little brother interrupted him. " Appointment? You´re not sick or something?" He sounded suspicious.

What? Did that little brat have a sixth sense?

"No!" Nick answered, a little too fast.

"You´re not lying or anything?" Aaron was pressing him and at that moment Nick knew it would be hard to cover anything up from his little brother. But what did he have to cover up? After all he hadn´t done any of those stupid test and therefore there was probably nothing anyway.

"No why should I do that?" the young man said as lightly as he could. "Hey stop thinking of me man, it´s you that feel like shit!, ya know"

Aaron sighed, "Yeah, but Nick?"

"Aha?" What did he want now, Nick thought silently.

"If there were something..something that was bothering you, you would tell me, right?"

Nick's gut ached, he wanted to scream out loud. Yet he quieted himself. "Yeah Aaron, yeah I would do that."

"Good," the younger boy sounded satisfield with the answer. "Then I won´t bug you anymore."

" You never bug me. Don´t you ever think that."

"Ok, call me later on then."

"Yup, bye Squirt." Nick really wanted to be there to hug his little brother. Yet there were distance between them, distance in more way than one.

"Bye oldie," They laughed before Nick hung up. As soon as Aaron was gone Nick's smile faded. With an deep sigh he was back to life again. Looking at the hospital entrance he mumbled to himself, "This is no good Nick."

He needed to find out those results and there was nothing that could prevent him from bailing out. Not now, when he was so close. He opened the car door and took with a certain hesitation one step towards the hospital entrence. Pulling down his cap as far as he could he tried to make an disguise. The last thing that he needed was some fans or even worse the press spotting him.

He hadn´t walked many steps until there were a loud scream behind him. Turning around he saw five teenages girl running towards him. "It´s Niiiicck Caaaarter!!"

'Shit!' Nick thought as quickly as possible and then changed his directions. Running back towards his car he opened the car door and then went inside. The girls had set their pace and they were screaming his name all the time! 'Damned fans', they were everywhere and wouldn´t leave him alone only for a second. It had been even worse after the arrest.

"Can I have an autograph, pleeeeaaaaseeee," the girl was clinging on his car, knocking on the window, trying to get his attention. Without answering them he started the engine, hoping to scare them away. But to no avail. Pushing the button to the electric window opener, so the winow opened just a crack he yelled to them, "I have to get going! Sorry."

A disappointed groan was heard from the girls as he let his foot down on the clutch, leaving tire marks as he squealed out of the parking lot. In his rearview mirror he could see the girls faces and he felt bad. Really bad. Today however he needed his privacy and a bunch of screaming girls was the last thing that he needed to deal with. As he saw the hospital building becoming smaller and smaller Nick made up his mind. The tests would have to wait until after the AMA awards. There was probably nothing wrong with him anyway....

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 16

Nick flushed the toilet. He´d been having one of his "morning fits", that what he was calling them now, and they had been as bad as ever. His stomach hurt so much and it didn´t exactly add to the situation that a migraine was on it´s way too. Not a great way to start the day. He had just arrived at the Hilton hotel and was waiting for Kevin and Krystal to fly in on a later flight. It had been a busy morning and since he had barely slept an eye the night before he was now dead on his feet. It didn´t improve anything that he had to catch an early flight over to LA since all the other flights were already booked.

Looking in the mirror he saw a pale face with red stricken eyes stare back at him. Not a pretty sight. 'So this is what a cancer patient looks like,' he thought as he studied his unhealthy appearance. Kevin would probably think that he was on a drinking binge, since he gave the impression of being severely hungover. Running a hand through his chopped hair he tried to get some reason into it. As soon as Kev and Krystal would arrive they had some interviews and promotional stuff to do. For the first time in his life he really hoped that they took their time, since rest was high on his priority list right now.

As soon as he was in the bedroom he lay down on the king size bed. Glancing around in the room he noticed that he was living it up like royalty. He just wished that he had some strength to enjoy it and wasn´t feeling like something the cat had dragged in. Deep inside he scolded himself for not doing the tests yesterday, then he wouldn´t be in such pain. All he had done was to push the inevitable further away and now he was living in a land of not knowing what to do. That sucked. Badly.

He most have dozed off since the next time he woke up there was a knock from the door. 'Shit, what is the time?' he thought as he rolled on his side. 1:15 pm. This could only mean that his "brother" and Krystal was here. With a sigh Nick sat up, just to be hit with an dizzy spell. The migraine was working on overdrive and he was feeling like hell. Steadying himself against the wall he managed to get to the door without collapsing on the spot. Squinting against the light he opened the door slowly.

"Hey man!" Kevin gave him a warm hug and all Nick did was respond with a nod, before letting his friend inside. Krystal was no where in sight and Nick was actually happy that it was the case. She had a sixth sense and she would instantly know that something was wrong with him.

"Hey," Nick muttered as he made his way back to the bed again.

Kevin frowned. It was not like Nick not to return the hug and that had him feeling genuinely concerned, " You´re sick?"

Nick lay down on the bed, arm covering his eyes. "A migraine," he mumbled weakly, before he rolled to his side.

Kevin looked worried, " Oh no!" It was the first time since they had met each other after the arrest. They had talked regulary and Nick knew that Kevin was feeling protective when it came to his life. During the years on the road Nick had always turned to Kevin when there were something wrong and he had more and more became like a father figure or like an older brother. He really loved the guys and wouldn't bare to stand leaving them, or see them suffer.

" Yeah it sucks," Nick smiled paley, " You know me who always catch some bug when it comes to something important."

Kevin nodded. He sat down on the bed next to Nick, "Yup, you GET everything," he smiled, the smile didn´t reach his eyes.

" Nick are you sure that it´s just a migraine? Brian said to me that you were sick the whole Christmas and that he was concerned over you."

" Yeah man, migraine is all there is." Nick was perking up. Kevin had his own worries beside there might be nothing to be concerned about anyway. He had heard from the fellows that Kevin was having marriage trouble. He couldn´t stay out of the strip bars and Kristin was having an fit over this. Kev had his own ghosts that he had to battle. They all did.

"Are you sure that you´re up to the award tonight then and the promotional work?"

"Yes, always ready and raring to go." Nick tried to make his voice sound less weak. "I´ll just take some pills and then I am as good as new again," he smiled, not wanting to cause Kevin to worry anything more than necessary.

"Ok, then we better get going." Kevin was silent and Nick knew that he was searching for words. They needed to talk to each other, yet Nick had no energy for such a task. He knew as the night passed on Kevin would come up to him and ask him what was bugging him. And when it came Nick sincerely hoped that he had enough courage to tell what was on his mind. For now he would let it rest.

***************

People. Sounds. Lights. Everywhere.

Nick was in misery. The migraine wasn´t any better, in fact it was steadily getting worse. No doubt due to the last days tension that he had been under as well as the nervousness he always felt before an award. He wore a pair of glasses so the light wouldn´t hurt his eyes anymore than neccessary. People would probably think that he was hiding something. Like drugs or too much drinking. He had seen Kevin looking at him during the day, when he had been so blinded with pain that he just wanted to scream out. Kev said nothing, yet Nick had seen it in his eyes. The older brother thought that he was on something. And it wasn´t migraine medication.

Silently he wondered if you could get high from those cancer drugs. Then it might be worth all the pain. All he wanted was to feel numb for a while. His mind was all the time going towards that direction and it was like he was preparing for the news. If he already thought the worst, it wouldn´t hurt so much if the worst came true. Would it?

In the distance he listened to the people talking around him. He was so tired and had that stupid smile plastered on him all the time. The PR smile!!! Smile and the whole world smiles with you, Nick thought sarcastically as he had answered yet another reporter that everything was just peachy. Yeah as peachy as it can get when you have been hanging most of the day down at the restroom, with your head stuck in the toilet. He had blamed it on nerves, both to himself as well as to the people around him. No one had questioned him, mainly beacuse they knew what an pressure Nick was on.

"Hey Kaos, you there?" Kevin was waving a hand in front of him and Nick jerked. It had been a long time since he heard that nickname being mentioned. " It´s time to go and announce the winner," Kevin continue as he took on his black blazer. Nick nodded. He swallowed hard as he followed Krystal and Kevin to go out to the crowds. Award cermonies like this always made his heart beat even faster. It was worse in the old days when he was constantly nervous being in crowds. Maybe because he would always stumble or say something stupid.

There were cheers as they entered the scene and Krystal started to sing. 'Oh Brother,' Nick thought, but said nothing. That was so like Krystal. Being spontanous. It felt like they were on stage for hours when it only took minutes. Nick imagined that all of the celebrities were staring at him, at his fat. Thinking that he looked like hell. Finally they were down and not a minute too late.

" Are you ok?" Kevin asked as soon as they had come backstage again.

Nick nodded, " Pretty much. This headache is beating the shit out of me."

"It´s not any better?" his band brother frowned.

"Don´t worry. I´m probably a bit stressed out, ya know. About the whole arrest thing and.."

Kevin interrupted him, "Yeah man, how are you doing with that? What are the lawyers saying?"

" They are pleading for community service and I have to do some stuff. It looks like the charges will be dropped, at least they are working on that." Nick smiled, trying to get Kevin to believe that everything was just dandy.

" Sounds great..hey I was talking with the guys and we are soon going into the studio. Hope that you´re up for it, man."

Me too, Nick thought silently, yet he kept his posture, saying, "Sure. That will be great. Heard that Bone had some ideas that he wanted to discuss."

" Yup, as a matter of fact we are having an meeting next week where we discuss some details about the album. Bri and AJ have also something that they want to discuss. You´re coming ain´t you?"

" Yeah sure." Nick said lightly, ' If I am alive by then,' there were dark thoughts crossing his mind and he tried to shrug them away. No need to take out bad news before they happend.

" Great, we´re meeting at B and Leighs house here in LA so you better schedule next week off. They are talking about an barbecue party too." Kevin smiled widely.

Nick shrugged. "Ok, well I´ll be there then." He was surprised that he hadn´t heard these news from Brian. It was not like his friend to hide something from him. Their relationship hadn´t been the best, ever since Brian had left so hastily at Christmas time. Nick also knew that B'rok was pretty upset at him for getting arrested, even if he had pretended like it didn´t matter. Brian had also so much with Leigh who he claimed was still not feeling well. Infact this was one of the main reasons why he wasn´t at the awards show.

" Hey, we better go to our seats before this thing is over," Kevin patted Nick slightly on the shoulder.

" Yeah man. You go ahead and take those seats. I´m just heading for the can."

Kevins face darkened with concern, " You ok?"

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 17

Finishing off the last of the barium shake, Nick decided that he had never felt so alone at that point. The staff and his doctor convinced him that it would be easier for him to stay overnight at the hospital so he could have all the tests that was needed. Shifting to one side and drawing the thin blanket up higher towards his chest, Nick shivered. He could have laid down in bed but he decided that hospital beds were for sick people and he wasn’t sick at all.

Nick had already gone through the chest x rays and the cat scan. It was uneventful. Now they wanted to do some type of scope he didn’t remember what they called it, but he had to drink all that awful barium and it about made him sick again. The nurse told him if he got sick he would have to start all over drinking it. Nick inwardly wanted to sue the people that made that ‘Banana Flavored Shake.’

“Banana flavored my ass,” he mumbled. Suddenly a young girl appeared in the doorway with a wheelchair.

“Hi, I’m Tess and I’m going to take you down to radiology, are you all set?”

Nick managed to paste a slight smile on his face as he nodded and tossed the blanket off his body. He assumed the already growing familiar position of sitting in a wheelchair. He was thankful that the girl didn’t try to start a conversation or ask any questions. The ride was short and sweet.

“Hi Nick, I’m Kris. Did they tell you what we were going to do today?”

‘We? Why the hell were hospitals so preoccupied with the word we? Were they going to be joining me in the inconvenience of this test?’ Nick scowled for a moment.

“Something wrong?”

“Na..no, I was just thinking that y’all like to say we alot. Will you be doing the test too?”

The woman suddenly laughed. “Yeah, we do or I mean I do I guess, it’s a bad habit of saying we. It’s required in the job description plus you have to take a course in college called WE101.”

Nick didn’t laugh along with her, he was too nervous about the test he was going to have done on him. He was already sick of testing and blood draws. He just wanted a clear cut diagnosis and his doctor already told him he couldn’t do that until he had all the test results laid out for him.

“Okay, I will need your help for this test Nick, I’m going to have you swallow some of this stuff in this glass and it’s going to numb your throat slightly and then we will slide this scope down your throat and it will take pictures for your doctor to see. You will have to help me out with swallowing the endoscope. I know you can do this and you have to believe me when I say you won’t choke. You will only feel a slight amount of discomfort and the test should only take about ten or fifteen minutes, tops.”

Nick could feel the panic rise in his body. To swallow a long tube definately freaked him out.

“They’ve already done xrays and a cat scan, is this really necessary? I mean, don’t you think the doctor already has enough information?”

“The doctor would only order tests he feels is necessary,” the woman replied.

“What is he looking for in this test?”

She walked over towards a table and picked up Nick’s chart. “Well, it says here to rule out ulcers or a tumor, but that’s just generic, they always have to put something down for insurance reasons. Are you having trouble with your stomach?”

“Not really,” Nick lied. “I just get sick occasionally.”

“Well then, it’s nothing to worry about, this test will be done before you even realize it started,” she encouraged.

“Can I refuse this test?”

“We can’t make you do anything you don’t want to, it’s up to you but I would think it would be in your best interest to just have the testing done.”

“I’m skipping this, I don’t want to do this,” Nick replied.

“Oh, I’m sorry you decided that. I just need you to sign off and I’ll call transportation and have them take you back to your room then,” she stated as she started flipping through the chart.

“Can you tell me what other tests they have me scheduled for?”

“You’d have to ask your nurse,” she replied crisply. “Sign here.”

Nick scrawled his name and handed the pen back to the woman. He was thinking how obsurd all of these tests were. The final diagnosis wouldn’t be cancer, it would probably be something stupid and simple like an ulcer and then be told to lay off the drinks and greasy food.

“No big deal.... I can live with that diagnosis,” Nick decided.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 18

Nick shifted uncomfortably in the chair while he waited for Dr. Santos to come into the office and discuss the results of the test he had taken at the hospital. As he looked at the diplomas that were hanging on the wall, Nick decided that this doctor was very knowledgeable as well as educated.

Rubbing the palms of his hands back and forth on the thighs of his blue jeans, he tried to get the sweat off his hands in case the doctor would want to shake hands with him. Nick noticed that his hands had been sweating a lot lately, but then again, most of his body had been sweating a lot lately too, especially at night.

“This is all probably going to be something really stupid,” Nick mumbled.

Before he had the time to get comfortable with the thought of his complaints being something relatively normal, the door to the office clicked open and Dr. Santos entered, carrying Nick’s chart and some x ray films.

“Good morning Nick,” the doctor stated as he flipped on the lights to the x ray viewing screens.

“Morning doctor.”

Nick searched the older man’s face for any signs of what the test results showed. The man had a poker face and there was no way that Nick would be able to detect any news - good or bad. Dr. Santos didn’t say a word, he silently pulled some films from the gold colored folder and snapped them onto the viewing screens. Dr. Santos then sat on the corner of his desk, facing Nick.

“Nick, I have some bad news for you,” the doctor sighed as he started out, looking at his young patient. “My assumptions were correct when I scheduled these tests. I was hoping I was wrong, but I’m sorry to say I wasn’t. The blood work, the x rays, and the ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis of a lymphoma.”

Dr. Santos stopped, watching his young patient grapple with the terms of the diagnosis. Nick’s face paled and he was visibly shaken.

“Lymphoma? Y-you mean it’s... it’s...” Nick couldn’t bring the words out.

“Cancer?”

All Nick could do was nod, not trusting his voice at the moment.

The doctor reached out and squeezed Nick’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Nick’s eyes darted around the room, this had to be some type of sick joke that was being played on him. How could he have cancer? He was only twenty-two and still having so much fun in his life. So many things to do.

“There was one test that I really needed to specifically pinpoint the type of cancer you have, and I know you signed off not wanting to do it, but Nick, it’s really important that we have this done to make sure the cancer is only in the glands and not in the organs. I’m also going to have to schedule a lymph node biopsy too.”

The words that the doctor spoke traveled through Nick’s mind and he didn’t even fully grasp what was being spoken to him. He was in a state of shock, disbelief.

The doctor could see that his young patient was in shock. “Nick?”

Nick jumped, blinking his eyes. “Huh, oh sorry.”

“I know this is upsetting news, but there still is hope and once I get the results of the scope and the biopsy, we can start the treatment and be agressive. I can order them stat and you we can get this done and overwith. Have you had anything to eat or drink this morning?”

“N-no.”

“Good, we can take care of both of them right now,” the doctor stated as he picked up the phone extension on his oak desk. “Mary, I need to have a UGI and a surgical suite for a laparotomy done STAT. Thanks.”

Nick felt numb as he listened to the doctor talk to the woman on the phone. This was all too surreal to him, this couldn’t be happening. He silently prayed that this dream would come to an end and he would be waking up safe and sound in his own bed at home.

“Nick, you have to keep thinking positive until we get the results back. I’m going to send you over for the tests and admit you to the hospital for the biospy you’re done and we will discuss the treatment options you’ll be left with when I can make a solid diagnosis.”

“So it might not be cancer?” Nick asked hopefully.

Dr. Santos sadly shook his head. “It’s cancer, but I don’t know what type of Non-Hodgkins it is just yet Nick. There are several stages and I’m hoping it’s the high grade lympoma.”

Before the doctor could finish speaking, the phone rang. The doctor scribbled some notes on a white sheet of paper and hung the receiver down. He handed them to Nick.

“It’s been arranged for you to go directly to St. Mary’s for these tests. Go directly to the admitting department and they will get you admitted and then we will explore the treatment options once the results are read.”

Nick accepted the slip of paper from the doctor.

“Are you okay to drive or do you want us to call a cab?”

Staring down at the paper, Nick shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Laying in the hospital bed allowed Nick to think about the surgery he was about to have. He had never had anything done to him and now here he was preparing to have someone poke and prod inside his body. He could have called his mother to let him know what was going on, but he decided against it after what had happened on the family vacation in Aspen. He blinked away the tears that formed when he felt the ache in his heart and remembered the words his mother spat out to Brian so bitterly:

“He’s getting fat and the only thing that goes with gaining weight is lack of exercise and proper eating habits. Fat people are prone to getting sick and so it’s clear to me that Nick made Aaron sick.”

“If you only knew mom,” Nick sighed.

Nick turned his head at the sound of footsteps entering the room. Dr. Santos was coming in with one of his nurses from the office.

“Hi Nick, are you all set to go?”

Nick grimaced, “I don’t have much of a choice.”

The doctor patted Nick on the shoulder. “Well, after speaking with my colleague, we both decided that the scope wasn’t necessary, but the node biopsy definately was. This surgery is quite simple, I use a laprascope and you will have some tiny incisions where the probes are inserted into your abdomen and then a small incision above your navel and its closed with steri strips. No sutures and aside from some bruising, you shouldn’t have anything noticeable.” The doctor could see the apprehension in his young patient. “Nick, everything is going to be fine. I’ll see you down in OR in about twenty minutes.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A groggy Nick strained to look at his surroundings. His vision was blurred from coming out of the anesthesia and also from not having his contact lenses in.

“Good morning, how are you feeling this morning?”

Nick decided that this nurse was way too chipper for the way he felt this morning. “Like I got hit by a Mack Truck.”

“That’s pretty common,” she sympathized. “So hows the pain?”

“Still around,” Nick remarked.

“Well, the meds you took twenty minutes ago should start working. I think I saw Dr. Santos making his rounds so he should be in here in a few minutes to talk to you. Is there anything I can get you?”

“A new body,” Nick sighed.

“Aw Nick, do you still feel bad this morning?” Dr. Santos asked as he approached the bed.

Nick replied by shrugging his shoulders.

“Well, the results are back from the biopsy and it shows that you have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, Stage III, high grade.”

“In English what does that mean?”

“In English, if you had a choice over which one to have, this one is the best of the choices because it responds to treatment a little better than the others. Your spleen has been affected, which accounts for the swelling of your stomach and you have some other nodes that were effected which will account for the generalized swelling in those areas too.”

“So this was more than the mumps all along?”

“Yes, I doubt that it was ever the mumps Nick, I believe it was the glands reacting to an infection and they went haywire.”

Nick swallowed hard before he asked the next question that laid heavily on his mind. “I-ss is this.. um, how long do I have?”

The doctor sat on the edge of the bed. “Nick, this doesn’t have to be fatal, but it could be if you chose to not take adavantage of the medications and the treatments that are available. If you do what you’re told, you have an 85% chance of survival over a 5 year period. Every year after that the survival rates go up, not down. It’s very guarded but I think your prognosis could be good.”

“So what are the treatments and medications?”

“Well, there is radiation therapy, chemotherapy and a beta therapy that would help your immune system. I am going to have you start with three weeks worth of outpatient radiation therapy and then you will come back for a check up and then we will start on the chemo for a week on and then a week off and a week on again for a period of about two months. This will all depend on how your body responds to the treatments.”

Nick nodded as he listened to the doctor outline what his life would be like for the next year.

“I’m going to get you scheduled at the facility you would like to have your radiation started at and my nurse will give you some literature for you to read up on with the side effects and drawbacks of radiation and chemo. If you have any questions, please don’t be afraid to ask or call. Do you feel well enough to go home?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. He wasn’t sure how he felt anymore. He was void of any feelings at this point. His mind was reeling and he didn’t know what was going to happen or how to control the uncontrollable cancer that was in his body.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks, keep your spirits up,” Dr. Santos assured Nick as he quickly looked at the incision and then scooped up the chart and left the room.

Leaving Nick alone to his thoughts.

Leaving Nick alone in his new world.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 19

It was a humid and sunny morning in Tampa, Florida, but Nick didn´t pay any attention to this since he was walking toward his own doom. It was the first day of his radiation treatment and he felt all jittery and nervous. It had been 2 days since he had gotten his death sentence; and he had dealt with it in the worst possible way by getting drunk. Drunk out off his ass.

He hadn´t called any of the guys or his family to tell them the news. They had enough trouble on their own and he didn´t need to add more problems to that. He was use to taking care of his own business. Ever since he moved out from his family at age 19, he was used to standing on his own feet. Besides what could they do if they knew? Not very much. His life was left in the hands of fate. But one thing was sure - he intended to battle this disease and he would win!

Putting on a cap and dark sunglasses, he hurried towards the elevator and press the button to his floor. As the car came he noticed that it was filled with people and Nick instantly regretted his choice of transportation. Not that he was claustrophobic. No, he was more likely afraid that he would get noticed. The press was the last that he wanted to know about this nuisance. Nick stood as far away as he could from the crowd, trying to act like he was cool and nothing was wrong. As the car reached his level he thought about an escape. In his mind he had repeated it over and over again, 'No Nick, this can't be happening. It´s just a dream.' But now he was standing here and it was far from an dream. It was reality.

When the elevator bell rang as the door opened to his level, he hesitated a second before going outside. It felt like they were all staring at him since it was pretty obvious what he was there for. After all this was the oncology section and that could only mean one thing - Cancer! As he stepped outside he heard one small girl uttering to her mother, "Is this where people that are very sick is? You know before they die?" The girls mother hushed her daughter down, but the words were burnt into his mind. Was this the end?

Nick tried to sharpen his posture as he walked towards the frosted glass doors. With shaky hands he rang the door bell, waiting for someone to come and opened up. He had to stealth himself so that he wouldn´t turn around and run away from the whole situation. Escaping was part of his life and that was something he had done in so many ways. So many years. This time he was determinded to go through with it all. Escape was not an option.

The handle was pulled down and a woman, dressed in a white coat opened the door. "Yes?" she said as Nick coughed, trying to clear his voice.

"I..I..have an appointment..hrm..radiation." Nick wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans.

The woman smiled friendly. "You are welcome to come in," letting him inside. The moment Nick stepped into the waiting room he felt his throat constrict, feeling like he couldn´t breathe. The nurse noticed this and she grabbed his arm, gently, "Your name is?"

"Carter...Nickolas Carter." Nick swallowed hard, closing his eyes momentarily. Scanning the room he notice that it didn´t look too formal. There were a group of sofas beside the window and then there was a nurses station in the middle of the room. Green plants were softening up the room. So this was going to be his home for the upcoming months?

"Very well Mr. Carter, you can sit down here and wait," she motioned towards the sofas. "Dr. Andersen will see you in a moment." With that she picked up his journals, walking down the hallway she stopped infront of a white door, placing it in the mail rack outside a white door.

He felt like he was on autopilot as he moved over to sit down on the blue sofa. Everything felt surreal.

How could he Nick Carter be here in a waiting room?

Getting radiation treatment?

For Cancer?

It was like an nightmare. An nightmare that he had no one to share with. Coughing nervously, he looked at the two other people that were occupying the sofas. Opposite him an elderly man with grey sideburns sat, flipping through the magazine, as he was making small talk to the other person in the room. A girl.

Figures, Nick thought as he adjusted his cap. What if this was a fan and she would recognize him? What if she went on to the internet, telling everybody that she met Nick Carter at the hospital. At the oncology ward.

Then his ass would be fried. That was for sure. It would make one hell of a story. The press would gloat. No one would buy his solo album. Ok they would buy it, but just out of pity. And they could kiss the next Backstreet Boys album goodbye too since Nick knew that if this came out to the guys they wouldn´t allow him to do any recording. And then he would disappoint his fans, and the guys and his family. That was a burden that he didn´t think that he could bear right now. Instead it was better to keep his mouth shut. After all what you don´t know won´t hurt you, right?

The girl smiled and he returned it briefly. She looked like she was in her late teens, a few years younger than him. She had very nice features and her eyes was as brown as chocoloate. But it wasn´t her good looks that attracted his attention. It was that she was wearing a red bandana on her head, indicating that she was bald underneath. Involuntarily he flinched, feeling his own head. If the girl saw this she paid no notice about it and Nick´s face grew red from embarressment. She just smiled and then said, "First time?" The man with the magazine looked up, expectantly for an moment.

Nick didn´t know what to say so he just nodded.

" Don´t worry, it will be just fine," she said lightly. Then she stretched her tan hand towards him, "I´m Julie, you?"

Nick didn´t know what to say. Did he dare to say his name? He swallowed nervously, " Nick." Watching for any sign of recognition he felt an mix between relief and surprise when there was none. Didn´t she know who he was?

" Cool," the girl said, nodding towards the man with the sideburns. " This is Charles."

The man smiled, " Julie, I can introduce myself. " He stretched out his hand, " Charles, Charles McDurry."

" Nick Carter," He waited one more time to see if there were any reaction and when there was none he felt safe. Either they didn´t know who he was or they didn´t care. Even if he was feeling bad, there were some strange comfort sitting here, talking to people that were going through the same as he was. There were no need to explain anything. It felt good.

They small talked for a while. That was Julie and Charles talked. Nick listened. He was much too engrossed in the whole situation.

" What are you here for?" Julie suddenly blurted out.

Nick tensed.

Charles looked at Julie's way, shaking his head, but she continued like if they had been talking about the weather or something else. Like music taste. " You know what cancer do you have?"

Nick didn´t know what to answer. What was she talking about? He didn´t have cancer. Did he?

" Eh..uh.." He couldn´t bare himself to say out to words so he ended up stuttering instead.

" I have a brain tumor, have been through radiation and chemo. Yup I will soon glow in the dark," She giggled.

Nick looked at her, amazed.

Here she was talking about her cancer like it was one of the most natural things that was happening.

" How long have you been sick?" she continued and to that he didn´t know what to answer. How long had he been sick? And was he really sick?

" I´ve had this for 2 years," she said and Nick could detect an hint of pain. He felt unsure and fidgeted nervously on the seat. She kept talking for a while, but to tell the truth he felt actually good when his name was being called by the nurse that had met him at first.

" Mr. Carter, Dr. Andersen is free to see you now."

" Ok," he nodded, standing up, afraid that he would pass out if he took another step.

He had never liked hospitals. It always made him feel so at unease. He didn´t do sick people very well and during that time when Brian had been into heart surgery he tried to find up thousand excuses for not coming to the hospital. Brian had accepted them, without questioning him. He knew that Nick felt bad when he was in a hospital environment. Once Brian had told him that it was because he was such a sensitive guy and that he was always feeling so much. He was kind of taking others feelings on himself. Now he was starting to think that it might be true. He had an knack in feeling other peoples pain and not very good at dealing with it either.

There were so many different feelings runninng inside him. Feelings that had him all fucked up. This place really scared him. It felt clinical even if there were really nice furnitures and colors. It breathed sickness and death! How someone like Julie could be so happy even if she had a brain tumor was a riddle for him. Someone that had cancer was suppose to be sick and really depressed. That he had heard of. But it didn´t apply to him since he wasn´t having any real cancer. Non Hodgkins disease was something else. Wasn´t it?

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 20

" Excuse me," Nick called to the stewardess that was pushing the drink cart down the plane aisle.

" Yes?" she flashed a big smile as she saw who was calling for her attention. It wasn´t every day that she had the honor of serving a Backstreet Boy. Especially not one as good looking as Nick Carter.

" Is there any chance that I could have an aspirin?" He was furiously rubbing his temples, trying to lessen the band that was pressing against his skull. He´d been feeling bad ever since early in the morning and this was one of the rare glorious side effects of the radiation treatment.

" Yes of course, hold on a moment." The stewardess, leaving the drink cart, hurried down the aisle, intent to follow up his requests.

Closing his eyes, leaning his aching head against the headrest, he thought back to the past week. It had been much too busy for his own good. It was over a month since he first had set his foot at Dr. Andersen's office and on daily bases he now received radiation. Even if it had scared him dearly in the beginning he was slowly adjusting to it. The radiation itself didn´t hurt, it was the side effects that had him under the weather. After the first treatments he had felt pretty sure that he would make it and for the first time in a very long time he had felt pretty good. The morning procedures of vomiting had vanished and even if he had to go to the clinic everyday it felt so much better than it had done before he was on radiation.

This was until last week, when he experienced an fatigue,worse than anything he ever felt in his life. It was like he was getting hit in his head with an shovel and he had to go to sleep at once. There were very little appetite and a nauseous feeling was evident in his stomach all the time. On top of everything he ran a low grade temp and had a headache that was threatning to split his skull in half. In other words the bad effects of the radiation treatment were hitting him with full force.

But if the side effects were bad, it was nothing against how he felt with all the lies. His whole life was one big lie. Talking to his parents and especially Aaron had him feeling sick afterwards.It felt strange to lie all the time, saying to everyone that he felt fine and that there was nothing bothering him. What a bunch of crap.

All of the boys had called him on different occassions, surprised that he wasn´t the one that phoned them since he generally was the one contacting them. But Nick had no energy to do that, besides what would he say? That all the mornings, in fact the time before noon was scheduled with radiation procedures and that afterwards was so beat that he had to take a nap. In the afternoon he worked on his solo album, collecting material and stuff and in the evening he tried to have some social life. Mike, Nick's bodyguard and friend had suspected that something was wrong, but Nick had told him to mind his own business and then he stopped asking. Even if he felt so beat that he wanted to cry there were late nights, but at least he had laid off the alcohol. This had his friends shocked to say the least and he had told them that he had an ulcer and had to take it easy for an while. Doctor's orders.

Ulcer? More likely Non Hodgkins disease. Silently he wondered how long he could keep up this charade before he would have to lay his cards on the table. Call his bluff.

Now he was going to LA to start recording the new album and this was not without protest from Dr. Andersen. He had assured her that he was going to come back. Just needed a few days off since spending 5 days with the guys was more than enough. He would be back on Tuesday morning again. They would all stay at Brians house, bringing their girlfriends/wifes. This didn´t bother Nick since thinking of girls was not that high on his priority list right now.

A nudge at his arm woke him up from his thoughts, " Excuse me mister, you asked for some aspirin." The stewardess flashed a teethy white smile, handing him the small white pills into his palm. Instantly he took the pills, together with the glass of water that she had brought to him.

The stewardess studied him for an while before asking, " You need anything else?"

" Nah, that´s fine. Thanks." Nick smiled gratefully before closing his eyes. God he was so tired again. It felt like he could sleep for an eternity.

The next time he woke up, the stewardess was by his side again.

"Mister, we are about to land in Los Angeles. Please fasten your seatbelt and fold up your tray." she said before walking further down the aisle.

" What? Oh shit!" He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. A bit disoriented he sat up, folding up the plastic tray and setting his seat up straight. Peering outside he noticed that it was sunny and bright in LA, which suited him fine since he was a bit chilly. The plane was going down for landing and Nick gripped the handrest. He had never liked flying and everytime the plane dived made him wanna hurl. This time however he hadn´t been airsick and he was grateful for small favors.

The second the plane hit ground Nicks stomach made a voltage and he instinctly grabbed the handrest even tighter. The plane rolled down the taxway to the boarding dock and he waited as it stopped. There were instant action taken in the cabin and passengers started to stand up to get their things. Since Nick was an seasoned traveler and only was going to stay for a few days, he had his sportsbag with him and nothing more.

As he walked off the plane into the building he could feel the tension build up inside of him. He felt nervous meeting Brian. What if he sensed something? Staying together 24/7 for 10 years had left them reading each other like an open book. Brian and Nick, Frick and Frack, had been inseperable for a long period and they knew each other inside and out. Sometimes a little too much. Even if he had slept the whole way in he was still deadtired and the sportsbag felt like lead. Dr. Andersen hadn´t over exaggerated when she said that it was common to be overcome fatigue. But Nick never had imagine that it would be this bad.

As he walked out in the waiting hall he saw his "band brother" standing there by the reservation desk, talking to some personnel and he hurried over. He was probably booking a flight somewhere since both Brian and Leighanne liked to travel all over the world. Together.

" Yo Frick!" he shouted and Brian turned around with an startle look on his face. Nick had been right, he was planning an trip as he was holding an brochure of Barbados in his hand. A big smile lit up his face as he saw who had been adressing him " Frack!!!" They hugged each other like long lost brothers.

" Hey little brother," he said as he gave Nick a ruffle on his head, like old times.

Nick started to laugh, " Man, you are the same."

" Yeah, you know your big bro is back." Brian rubbed his fist into his hair and they laughed. To on passing passangers it most have looked wierd to see two grown man wrestling like bearpuppies, but since it was lunchhour the airport was much too busy for anyone to stop and say something to them. They both wore sunglasses, trying to hide their identity and even if people recognized them there were no one coming up to them. It was their holy moment.

" Well come on, let´s go." Brian held Nick on his shoulder. It was kind of hard since Nick had grown to an tall man and was as far as could be from the teen that he used to take care off. Nick nodded, following his friends hasty pace through out the airport. The words was spread fast that two of the famous backstreet boys were in the building and they had to make an run for Brians car as people were coming up to them. So much for peace and quiet.

Once situated at the red Porsche, Nick panted from his run. He was totally out of breath and it felt like his legs wouldn´t carry him. Dr Andersen had warned him from overdoing it, but he couldn´t for his world figure out what have made him feel so out of breath.

Brian grinned, " Need to work on that condition, Carter."

Even if Nick knew that the words were meant as an joke he still took it badly. Was Brian suggesting that he was being fat and unexercised? God knows he had heard those words mentioned far too many times during his life. Generally he didn´t have an bad condition, infact he tried to work out several times a day,especially during tours to keep his body in shape. Besides doing concert was really streneous and it took alot of energy out of him. Could he help that he had inherrited his mothers body form and his dads belly?

The only good thing about radiation was that Dr Andersen had told him that he would loose weight, both from radiating the area in his stomach, but also from the side effects that made his apetite lessen. This was not something he had experienced yet and he hoped to see an fast result on this area. His own management had supressed that they thought he needed to go on an diet, especially for the promotion of his solo album in the fall.

The more Nick thought about it the more he realized that the album might just be an dream. An dream that may never be fullfilled. The doctors were concerned that his cancer were agressive and during his darkest moments he thought that he would never live until next christmas. Deep down inside of him he knew that this would probably not happend since he had pretty good outcome, judging by the procent that went into remission from this kind of disease. What scared him the most was that maybe his luck was over. That his mission was to be an backstreet boy and when those days were counted he had done his deed in life.

" Nick, Hallo, Nick," Brian was waving his hand infront of him, snapping with his fingers. " Geee Man, you spaced out on me." Brian grinned.

He instantly jerked back to reality, " Sorry," Nick mumbled, appologizing, " I´ll guess I´m still an bit tired from the flight."

There were pity in his friends eyes, " Yeah I know. You and plane have never worked that well together." He patted Nick on his shoulder." Well let´s go." With that the two men sat down in the porsche and Brian drove out of the parking lot. He had his roof down since the sun was shining and it felt good to feel the warm wind blowing in their faces. Normally. Today however Nick was an bit chilly and he wrapped his black leather jacket closer around him.

Noticing this Brian frowned, " What´s the matter Nick? You´re cold?"

" Uhu..yeah..just a bit chilly, ya know. From flying,you know." He gave no further explanation, instead he moved his seat back, " Hope you don´t mind, that I´m getting an cat nap.I´m totally zonked. Wake me when we´re there." With that he closed his eyes, blocking out the world.

Brian stared at his friend in concern. This was not like his hyperactive friend that usually jumped up and down, talking all the time, never still for an second. " Sure," he said as he watched Nick trying to sleep.

This was an big disappointment. It had felt so good to meet Nick, but at the same time as they met he got an sense that there were something wrong with Nick. He was too pale and tired that everything would just be peachy. What also had him concerned was that he were batteling an distinct feeling that Nick was hiding something from him. An deep and dark secret.

They hadn´t talked so much to each other since christmas and when his friend had been arrested it had hit Brian pretty hard. There had been so many mixed feelings since he had under an long time felt that Nick was walking the wrong way. After AJ´s admittance to drug rehab Nick had been even more impossible to deal with and these past two years they had slowly drifted apart from each other. Not that Brian wanted it to. No, it just happend.

Kevin had talked to Brian several times and they were both concerned over Nicks way of living the life in the fast lane. Ok the kid have grown up to be an young man, but still that it didn´t justify him partying all night long, several days a week. An evil thought crossed his mind as he looked at Nicks sleeping figure. The blonde was probably hungover, that why he was tired and plale.

Brian had looked forward meeting the guys and that they would all be staying together in his newly built house in Santa Monica. He had planned both to have an barbeque party and just relaxing together. Like in the old days. Their was also work to be done since they were going to plan the new album and there were some things to discuss about this part. Both him and AJ had thoughts about wanting to change management since there were some questions that hung in the air. The alum felt pressed since none of the boys were too overjoyed going back into the studio again after just finsihing of an the Black & Blue tour. They needed some down time off. As things were going Brian had an destinict feeling that this might be their last album together. At least for some time.

Nick was more excited over his own soloalbum, then the album they worked on together. He didn´t blame him since he knew that Nick was trying to make one of his dreams come true. During long and boring nights at hotel rooms the young blonde, then teenager, had talked about the day when he was going to do an soloalbum. They had both laughed it away, saying that there will come an time when this would be reality. Just not right now. That time had finally come and all of the boys supported Nick into fullfilling his dream. They owened him that much. What had him concerned was that he was afraid that Nick wouldn´t take the pressure. He had an habit of overdoing everything he did and knowing Frack he knew that he would put his soul into his soloproject and also try to bounce off working with the guys . He mentally made an note to talk Nick about his situation during his stay here in La.

As they were coming closer to Santa Monica Brian got an idea. Maybe they should go to some resturant, just the two of them, to talk. Nick would be hungry since it was past lunch time and knowing his little brother he had probably not eaten anything since early in the morning, if even then. Nick wasn´t the one to turn down an Pizza so he set his pace towards Pizza Hut. Once outside the resturant he shook his friends shoulder, gently. Nick stirred immediatly, mumbling something uncoherent.

" Nick, wake up dude. We´re here."

" Mpfh..ugh..Ok," He sat up straighter in his seat, trying to clear the cow webs from his brain. Looking around he saw that he wasn´t at Brians place, but at an resturant. " B, Man" he mumbled, clearing his cracked voice, " You´re living at Pizza Hut?"

" No man." Brian laughed, " I thought that you wanted something to eat. Knowing you, plane food wasn´t that high on your priority list. Am I right?"

" Yeah..sure...uhm.." Nick´s stomach made an sommersault. Food was not something he could deal with right now. In fact the queasy feeling in his stomach was growing and he was feeling like he was coming down with something. Like the stomach flu.

" Well, let´s go and grab an pizza and a beer, and then we can talk some." Brian sounded entusiastic.

Nick didn´t want to spoil the good mood so he said, " B, listen...eh...I actually grabbed something on the plane. No don´t look so surprised," He forced himself to grin, " So I´m not really that hungry, besides I wanna meet Leighanne . Think I can have a raincheck on the Pizza and we can go to your place instead?"

" Allright, ok, well then lets go to my humble place." Brian was smiling, but it didn´t reach his eyes. Instead concern clouded them. This was not the Nick that he knew. Definately not!

"Great, Let´s buckle up and go then." The porsche made an growl and soon they were on their way again. Not long after Brian had come out to the highway again he noticed that Nick had closed his eyes, laying down in an slumped position. An hint of concern made him reach out and feel his brothers forehead. Heat was radiating against his hand and this made him jerk back. Now wonder that Nick was so tired. This was the explanation - he was running a fever. Nick was sick!

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 21

“Brian, Lee, this house is beautiful,” Kevin exclaimed when the mini tour ended.

“Yeah, you have excellent taste,” Howie joined in the conversation.

“Hey, where’s dumbass at?” AJ asked, peering over the tops of his sunglasses.

Leighanne blinked as she tried to shield the sun from her eyes with her left hand. “He laid down to take a nap, he wasn’t feeling very well when Brian picked him up from the airport this morning.”

“So, buddy, the offical word has been leaked that you’re joining the ranks of us married men,” Kevin smirked as he clamped a hand on AJ’s shoulder.

“Yeah, Sarah trapped me,” AJ grinned. Sarah responded with a playful swat on his shoulder.

“Do you have a date picked out yet?” Leighanne asked as she led the group towards the living room.

“Yeah, we decided it’s going to be on February 14, 2003,” AJ stated proudly.

“Interesting date, why February 14th AJ?” Howie winked at Sarah.

“Because Valentine’s Day is a day of romance and besides, it’s a date I couldn’t easily forget,” AJ laughed. “When is Nicky gonna come down, I’m starving! The kid never misses a chance at a meal!”

“Guys, just be nice to him okay, I noticed when I picked him up, not to sound mean, but I noticed Nick has put on a little weight since I last saw him. Just don’t bring it up, he;s not feeling the best and I don’t want any fights starting up, let’s just have a pleasant dinner,” Brian begged.

Nick was agonizing in his room about how to get out of going down and seeing his bandmates. He knew the jokes about his weight would start up once he set foot in the room. He wanted to avoid any confrontations with anyone right now. Knowing he had no other choice but to go down and see his friends, Nick drew a deep breath in and slowly walked down the flight of steps.

“Hey, look who decided to show up,” Howie exclaimed when he saw Nick standing in the doorway to the living room. Howie was shocked at Nick’s appearance. He was wearing baggy sweat pants and a tee shirt that looked as if it were two sizes too big for his body. It actually made him look bigger than what he probably was. His face was pale and his eyes were red rimmed. Although the swelling in his face was gone and Nick no longer had a double chin like he had in Japan, Howie noticed that Nick’s stomach was still showing even though his shirt was far too big for him. “Hey, Nickster, we should hit the gym to work out together,” Howie playfully joked and winked at his friend for good measure.

Kevin and AJ noticed the difference in Nick’s appearance too.

“Yo, Nick, you get your clothes from the tent and awning shop?”

Brian quickly glared at AJ and from the look he shot, AJ realized it was better to not say anything more about the subject.

“Dinner’s ready everyone,” Leighanne cheerfully announced, grateful that the focus would be taken away from Nick’s weight.

“Oh, Leighanne, you have a lovely table service,” Kristen cooed as she sat down in the chair Kevin pulled out for her.

“Yes, everything looks nice,” Nick agreed as he sat down. Eating dinner was something he wished he could skip out on, but he knew he had to be polite and at least try to eat. Leighanne scooped up a hearty serving of spaghetti and placed it in front of Nick. All Nick could do was look at the food and feel his stomach turn. He wanted to cry. He was sick of feeling nauseated 24/7.

“Dig in guys, Leighanne slaved hard over the stove all afternoon on this!”

Leighanne smiled as she dished a plate of spaghetti to Brian.

“You’ll really like it, it’s the best I’ve ever had and you know my mom’s one of the best cooks there are, well, second to Leighanne of course,” Brian grinned.

AJ looked across the table at Brian. “I can’t believe you are choosing someone over your own Ma for cooking! Man, marriage has changed you, Rok!”

“Really good Lee,” Kevin nodded as he took another bite.

“I agree, and this garlic toast is really good, right Nick?” Howie asked as he glanced towards the end of the table where Nick was seated.

“Yeah,” Nick replied, his voice barely audible.

The reply wasn’t convincing enough and all eyes were trained at Nick while they continued eating. Nick didn’t bother looking up from his plate, he kept swirling the noodles around on his fork, not taking a bite. He wished he could eat more, but one bite practically turned his stomach inside out. The effects from the radiation was rearing it’s ugly head and the nausea had been his constant companion for the past several days, never letting up for a moment.

The only sounds at the table was the silverware hitting the plates and people setting their glasses of water down after they finished drinking. Nick finally noticed the lack of conversation and looked up only to be met with suspicious looking eyes.

“What? Hey, don’t stop talking on my account!”

“You haven’t eaten one bite Nick, something wrong with your food?” AJ asked.

Brian cast a quick glance towards Nick. “He’s got a fever, I’m sure he doesn’t feel very good, just let it go AJ.”

AJ rolled his eyes. “Man, he’s always got a fever! This is getting way too old! I bet this is your way of dieting now that Bruce has been on your back, ain’t it Nicky boy?”

“So, what have you been up to since Japan, Nick?” Kevin asked, hoping to change the subject. Nick wanted to yell back at AJ that he wished he could eat, but he decided that silence was the best answer. “Um, I’ve been busy with my solo cd,” Nick replied after a brief pause.

“Yeah I noticed since Japan you’ve been packing on the weight there man, right in the belly!”

”AJ!”

Kevin cast a warning glare towards AJ, hoping he would get the hint to drop the subject and stop picking on Nick. Even Sarah was shifting nervously in her chair, she was feeling uncomfortable with the teasing that AJ was piling onto poor Nick.

“Hey, you’ve been kinda invisible too dude, I tried to like call you several times and you were gone, all I got was your answering machine, what gives on that?” Howie asked.

“Bet he was busy with some lady friend, maybe a whoares for hire dating service?” AJ mused.

“AJ!” Kevin glared.

‘If they only knew I wasn’t having fun all this time, god they would feel bad,’ Nick thought to himself. Setting his fork down, Nick quickly wiped his mouth off with the yellow linen napkin. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go up to bed, I’m really tired.”

“Bed? It’s only 7 o’clock!” AJ remarked as he glanced at his watch.

“Sure buddy. Hey, let me get you some Tylenol for your fever,” Brian stated as he pushed his chair back and stood up.

Nick waved him off. “No, I’m fine, I’m just tired. It’s jet lag, I’ll be fine later on.”

“You sure?” A concerned Leighanne asked.

Managing a slight smile, Nick nodded. “I’m sure.”

Pushing his chair in, Nick didn’t hesitate and turned and left the dining room, walking towards the staircase that led to the upstairs bedrooms. He eyed the steps that he had to take wairly and then taking a deep breath in, started his slow climb, pausing to rest after roughly the fourth step.

“Ya know, it looks really obvious to me that Nick isn’t taking very good care of himself,” AJ began once he decided Nick was gone and out of hearing range. “I mean, look at him, can’t you see the obvious?”

“What do you mean?” Brian questioned.

Well, I’m susupecting drug use for starters, I mean look at the kid, he’s all pasty white looking and his eyes are pretty red, that’s drugs, I would know that one from being in rehab living around all those crack addicts.”

“AJ, I told you he’s running a temp, god, don’t you listen?” Brian defended.

“Okay, well, what about his weight?”

“AJ we all put on some weight during downtime,” Kevin shot back.

“What? Like an obvious thirty pounds? I mean look at him, he has a beer gut now! I mean he had the “mumps”” AJ held his hands up and made little quotation marks when he said the word mumps in a mocking voice, “but shit, look at him, he’s letting himself go to hell!”

The words AJ spoke, burned in Nick’s brain, making his heart ache. He gripped the stair rail for inner strength, he wanted to turn around and tell his friends that he was sick and he didn’t feel so good right now. The doctors said cancer, but Nick believed it wasn’t that bad. He was sick and it was all the radiation to blame for all of this. He took another step up, trying to block out the hurtful words he was hearing, but finally he couldn’t take it any longer. He spun around and raced down the steps towards the dining room.

“I think the boy has bullemia, he’s starving himself to----” AJ stopped when he saw Nick standing in the doorway. “Oh, I-I thought you were going to bed,” AJ stammered.

Nick didn’t utter a single word. He stood in the door for a few moments looking at everyone seated at the table, making eye contact with each of them. No one said anything, but gazed back at the blonde haired man standing before them, sweat beading on his forehead from an apparant fever, his body trembling from chills. Wordlessly, he turned around and ran up the stairs to his room.

To safety.

Throwing himself onto his bed, Nick buried his face into the pillow and cried. He wished all of this was a nightmare and he wished it would end. He couldn’t tell them what was going on in his life. He dared not tell anyone, he wanted to be treated normally and if they knew about the lymphoma, he would be treated anything but that.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 22

Nick slapped at the alarm clock several times before he made contact and silenced the offending noise. Groaning, he turned and squinted as he looked at the bright red numbers.

8:30

Running a hand through his hair, he sighed. He felt the same as he had for the past week, the nausea hadn’t left and the sleep didn’t do anything for the feelings of fatigue. He felt as if he hadn’t slept for a month.

Stumbling sleepily towards the bathroom, Nick decided that maybe a shower would wake him up more and lift his depressed spirits. Although he could smell the fresh coffee that was brewing in the kitchen downstairs, Nick knew that the taste wouldn’t be as he remembered it. Coffee was something he loved - dark, black and strong - he couldn’t get enough of it, especially when they were on tour. Battling this illness created havoc with his taste buds as well as his appetite.

Stripping down in front of the full length mirror, Nick caught a glimpse of his naked body. Normally he would turn away, not wishing to look at his swollen stomach, but today he noticed something different. It appeared to him as if some of the swelling was going down - not much - but enough for Nick to notice. He briefly grinned at his reflection.

“I’m gonna beat this!” he happily exclaimed.

******

“Well good morning Nick,” Leighanne smiled as Nick appeared in the dining room. “How are you feeling this morning? Did you sleep alright?”

Nick took a seat next to Brian at the table. Without asking, Brian picked up a cup and poured coffee into it and sat it in front of Nick.

“Thanks, slept fine,” Nick lied.

“I hope you’re hungry this morning, I made breakfast quiche. Brian honey, do you know where we put those blue plates?” Lee asked as she opened doors to the oak china cabinet.

“In the kitchen, third cabinet from the fridge to the left,” Brian answered after swallowing a sip of coffee. “Want me to get it?”

“Nope, thanks, I’m fine,” she called out over her shoulder as she left the room.

AJ strode into the room, tossing a newspaper onto the table. “I picked this up when I went to the store for smokes.” Helping himself to the coffee, AJ threw himself into a chair opposite of Nick and Brian. “So, how’s it goin’ Nick?”

Nick clenched his jaw for a moment, trying to not only summon the courge not to make any type of snide remark back at AJ but also to calm his stomach from the getting queasy over the strong tobbaco odor that clung to AJ’s clothes. He was trying his best to be good to his Backstreet brother, trying not to let the snide remarks and comments AJ tossed at him last night to get to him. It was just AJ’s style, AJ didn’t know any better.

“It’s going good AJ,” Nick lied.

Sarah and Kristen entered the room carrying the breakfast service and helped Leighanne serve the quiche. Much to Nick’s dismay, Sarah gave him a large portion. He had decided before he even left his bedroom this morning, despite his nausea, that he would eat everything on his plate to stop AJ from picking on him about how little he was eating.

His heart sank as he looked down at the egg dish that was in front of him.

“Dig in Nick, it looks good,” AJ coached.

Shrugging his shoulders, at first Nick poked and stabbed at the food and once he realized that he had an audience watching him play with his food, he started taking bites, choking the breakfast down. The all-too-familiar feeling of his stomach churning and doing flip flops came back as he finished up the last bite and Nick was soon regretting that he had even started eating breakfast.

Jumping up, he excused himself quickly and dashed up the stairs to the privacy of his own bathroom. One of the side effects that Dr. Andersen discussed was showing up and Nick knew that if he didn’t make it to the bathroom in time, he would have worse problems than he bargained for.

“Talk about eat and run!” Howie snickered.

******

“Well, based on the lyrics you’ve written, we should be able to cut three new songs for the CD.”

All eyes in the room were on the tall, sandy haired record producer they knew as Mark Lindstrom. All eyes except for Nick who seemed to be preoccupied with the pad of paper in front of him. He kept pushing it back and forth, not offering any comments or suggestions.

“We have the materials from the other writers and I believe that you should be able to have three at least, maybe four hit songs from this release,” Mark continued. He walked around the table and laid out a multi colored booklet in front of each of the men. Kevin tried to catch Nick’s attention as he glared. Feeling someone staring at him, Nick glanced up and caught Kevin’s penetraiting stare.

“Pay attention!” Kevin mouthed.

“In this handout, I’ve taken the liberty of writing down all of the provisions and the expectations of this session for you. In it are the dates we have this studio as well as the studios in London, Stockholm, New York and Orlando reserved for.” Mark paused for a moment, taking a generous gulp from the glass of icewater at his place at the oval conference table.

Nick was feeling so tired and the effects from the fever he was fighting made his thoughts wander. He felt like a kid sitting in the classroom waiting for the bell to chime the 3:00 dismissal. He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling as Mark droned on and on about specifics of the recording sessions.

Without warning, a foot was shoved into Nick’s shin with such force, he jumped up and accidentally hit his tender stomach on the table’s edge.

”Ouch! What the fuck did you do that for?!” Nick cried out as he placed a protective hand over the side of his stomach. Blinking the tears away from his eyes, he prayed that he could keep control and not start crying in front of the guys.

“Judas Nick, pay attention and for the record, I only tapped you dumbass!” AJ defended.

Panting from the pain, Nick shook his head, he didn’t dare answer knowing full well he would start bawling like a baby.

“Guys, settle down,” Kevin demanded in a calm voice, embarrassed that this display of petty fighting was shown to the record producer.

Nick was still shaking his head and holding his stomach. He had to get out of the room and he had to go NOW. Without saying a word, he slipped out of the conference room.

Brian shoved his chair back. “I’ll go see if he’s alright.”

“We can just break for the day, we’ll start recording tomorrow morning, nine o’clock sharp,” Mark stated as he stacked his papers in front of him.

Brian dashed out of the conference room in search of his best friend. Hearing a door close part way down the hall, Brian stepped up his pace and pushed against the men’s bathroom door.

“Nick...Nick, are you in here?”

Nick groaned inwardly.

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec,” he replied trying his best to keep his stomach calm.

Hearing the all-too-familiar sounds, Brian assumed that Nick was throwing up again.

“Are you getting sick?”

Nick wanted to die from embarassment at this particular moment. “Um... well kinda.” He silently prayed that this bought of diarrhea was the only time he would experience this nasty side effect from the radiation.

“Something didn’t agree with you, I take it,” Brian replied. He was concerned that Nick was getting a case of the stomach flu.

“Yeah, Leighanne’s cooking,” Nick joked. He instantly regretted the remark when he heard Brian’s terse reply.

“Well, I’ll be waiting out in the parking lot for you with the rest of the guys.”

“God, just shoot me now,” Nick moaned, feeling badly for hurting his friend’s feelings with his stupid remark about Leighanne’s cooking.

******

The drive back to Brian’s house was uneventful. Nick was quiet and deep into his own thoughts and didn’t participate with the mindless banter and jokes that were being tossed back and forth as Brian guided his vehicle down the two lane road.

“Hey, I was thinking,” Brian announced as he pulled through the gates leading up to his house, “that we should enjoy the beautiful sunshine and go swimming! I can fire up the grill and we can have a cookout.”

“Sounds like fun, I’m sure the girls are probably already lounging by the pool anyway,” Kevin decided.

“Yeah sounds good to me,” Howie agreed along with AJ.

“Nick? What about you?” Kevin asked when he noticed no reply was coming from his younger brother.

“Huh?”

“Earth to space cadet, we’re talking about swimming in the pool,” AJ spat as he snapped his fingers in front of Nick’s face.

Nick quickly shoved AJ’s hand away from his face. “Knock it off, dammit! No, I don’t want to go swimming.”

AJ’s mouth dropped open. “Hey, you’re the water, sun, sand, beach, boating kid here, what gives?”

“I didn’t bring any swim trunks along, okay?” Nick snapped as he hopped out of the car and slammed the door.

“I have some extras you can borrow,” Brian offered.

“No, thanks, it’s okay, don’t worry about it,” came the reply back from the blonde.

“Yeah, think about it Brian, Nick probably wouldn’t be able to fit into your tiny assed trunks. He probably don’t want to go swimming cause he doesn’t want anyone to see his flabby body,” AJ joked as he swatted Nick playfully on the shoulder.

“Fuck off AJ,” Nick shouted as he walked towards the front door and into the house, leaving the door wide open.

“Nice, AJ, really smooth,” Howie glared.

“God, the kid is too damn sensitive, you guys have to stop coddling his ass,” AJ defended.

“And you, my friend had better start taking lessons in tact,” Kevin reprimanded as he walked past AJ, leaving him standing alone in the driveway.

Brian immediately took the flight of steps towards Nick’s bedroom. The door wasn’t shut tight so Brian took the opportunity of pushing slightly on the door and was just about to announce his presence when he saw Nick in the room without his shirt on.

Brian gasped when he saw the red splotches on the side of Nick’s stomach and the purple X marks. He remembered the markers on the skin from when he was in the hospital for his heart, but he was trying to grasp why Nick would have those marks on him to begin with.

Random thoughts were screaming into his brain.

Bullemia.....laxative abuse......liposcution.

Liposcution?

Brian suddenly looked at Nick in a different light now. Nick was abusing his body and taking stupid risks and chances at losing weight. He suddenly became angry and disappointed in how Nick was acting. He was forever getting drunk or getting in trouble with the media and now the pieces were slowly starting to fit together. Nick was trying to kill himself. He was pushing everyone away in the process.

Feeling dejected, Brian turned around and never said a word to Nick. He doubted that he could right now.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 23

" What did he say? Is he coming? " Howie asked as he ran into Brian, coming out from his room, swimtrunks in hand. He was the only one left in the house since the others had gone outside to join the girls out on the deck. It was an sunny and warm Califonia day and they were about to go swimming, playing water volleyball. Relaxing together like in the old days.

Brian stopped. He was in his own thoughts and upon hearing Howie's voice he stopped. “ Who knows?” The sight of Nick standing in the room with blue ink written all over his stomach had etched itself on his cornea. He couldn´t, didn´t want to believe that his longtime friend was abusing his body in such an sick way. He knew that Nick was and had been batteling weight problem for some time, but from that to do an liposuction was too far of a step.

Was he jumping into conclusions?

Or was he right with his assumptions that Nick was having some serious problems?

And If, what could he do about it?

During the years Brian had grown used to that whenever something bothered Nick he came to him for personal advice or just a shoulder to lean on. This past year something had changed and Nick wasn´t the person that he used to be. He was more and more keeping everything to himslef and his friends back in Florida. This hurt Brian deeply, in fact more than he ever wanted to admit since he felt that Nick was more and more slipping. Slipping away from the boys. Slipping away from his life.

They were not Frick and Frack anymore. Instead they were Nick and Brian, for better for worse.

" Nick is a tough nut to crack," Brian sighed.

" And that you found out right now?" Howie chuckled, " Come on B’rok. Forget Nick for now, he will come down when he has stopped sulking.” They had been with the blonde long enough to tell that Nick could be an very moody person. It had been worse when he was an teenager, but he still had his moments when he was everything but mature. Acting like a spoiled 15 year old brat, even when he was an young man growing up.

" Okeyyy,"

Brian had an bad feeling in his stomach when he heard an door slamming to the guestroom, sounding like someone was in an awful hurry. Momentarily he looked up to the stairs. Was Nick being sick? Did he need him? He hesitated before stepping on the first step of the stair, getting caught by Howie, " Brian, Nick will come. Trust me on this. Leave him alone for now."

" Yes, you´re probably right," Brian sighed deeply as he followed the latino through the door. If Nick wanted to act like that, pulling away from everyone, he would let him do that. Even if he felt hurt. After all Nick was was not an kid anymore. It was a hard time realizing that Nick didn´t need him anymore. If he wanted to make his own descisions, even if it meant acting like an dumbass, Brian would let him do that. It was Nick's business.

Meanwhile inside the guest bathroom Nick groaned in pain. He felt so sick and there were not a damned thing that he could do about it. Nausea was making him want to lean over and vomit, but even if he tried his stomach wouldn´t give him such a respit. Instead he was stuck on the toilet, having bout after bout of an upset stomach. It sucked since he couldn´t stay that far away from the facalities since it hit him like an flash in an thunderstorm. Unpredictable. There were so many unglamorous things accompanied with this disease. So many that he didn´t bare to think about it.

Cancer was no beauty!

His stomach was so sore and he felt like his innards was about to explode at any given second. If the side effects from the treatment were this bad he would give a second thought about continuing with it. Death would be less painful, he thought darkly as his stomach cramped up again. It didn´t help anything that he had upset Brian, his best friend that he could trust in all situations. The comment that he made about Leigh's cooking had just slipped out of him. No harm meant, more like a stupid joke. In fact it was way too embarrassing to say that he had the shits. Ok, it wasn´t the first time in life he suffered from this discomfort, but he felt like somethings were private and should be that way.

" Oh noooooo," Nick moaned as he leaned forward, head in his hands. It hurt so much that he wanted some relief. NOW! With shaky hands he pulled up his cellphone, dialing the numbers to Dr. Andersen. She had said that he was to call her if there were something that were bothering him. And this was an emergency!

After several signals an woman answered in the phone " St Mary´s hospital, Oncology."

" Ma..may I sp..speak to Dr. Andersen," His voice was unsteady and he swallowed hard as it took every ounce of strength to utter the words.

" I´m afraid Dr. Andersen is out. May I take an message," the woman answered. He noticed that the voice belonged to Lorna, and he felt like bawling when the woman said, " Is it you, Nick Carter?" She was adressing him with concern. Lorna and Nick had gotten to know each other a bit better during the last week and Nick liked this woman. She had a heart of gold and she had comforted him when he broke down one of the times after radiation. Besides feeling sick the radiation made his feelings go hay wire too. He hated it. Hated being weak.

" Ye..Yes," Nick coughed to make his voice steady. He groaned as his stomach made itself known again.

" What is it, Nick?" Lorna asked as she could probably hear that something was bothering their young patient.

" I ne..need to speak to Dr. Andersen, can you leave her a message? To call me back?" He left his cellphone number.

" Yes I will do that," the nurse answered and Nick let out a sigh of relief. If he was lucky help would soon be on his way. Help in form of medication. This nasuea was so ugly that he didn´t want to let his worst enemy feel it. After he hung up his the cell phone he decided to join the others. With that he took on his shades and went outside to Brians back porch.

" So you decided to grace us with your presence," AJ said the moment he came out to the rest.

Shielding his eyes against the bright light he looked over at his band mates who was all sunbathing on the deck. They were talking and laughing and he felt a hint of sadness. Why couldn´t he join them like he used to do? Too many things had happened recently and he felt like they were drifting further away from him. Was it his fault or theirs?

So many questions. Yet to be answered.

Nick nodded, not knowing what to say. All of the people on the sundeck were looking at him, searching for answers. Nick swayed momentarily and instantly Kevin was up, " Whooaaa there Nick," He stretched out his hand to steady the young man, but Nick shrugged it off. Ignoring him Kevin offered, " Here take my seat," he montioned towards the sunchair. With a grateful grunt Nick sat down. He didn´t want his brothers to know that if he continue standing up he would end up with his face in the sundeck, stomach down.

" Thanks," Nick mumbled as he leaned his arm over his eyes, blocking out the light. His actions didn´t go un noticed and there were murmuring before Leighanne broke the silence, " Nick, are you feeling ok?"

Nick shook his head. There were no use in lying. " I think I caught the stomach flu, I feel like shit!" Kevin looked at him in concern and instantly his hand went over to feel Nicks forehead. The blonde shrugged away, " Don´t," he warned, after all he wasn´t a kid anylonger.

" More likely Ex-lax," Brian muttered silently. This caught AJ´s ears, " What?"

" Nothing," Brian sighed. He didn´t bother to tell the guys about his suspecion since they would never believe him. Nick however heard him and there was a frown on the younger man's forehead. Instantly Brian regretted what he said. But there were something in Nicks behavoir that had him scared. Scared and concerned.

What the heck, Nick thought as he heard Brian uttering those words. In contempt. Did he think that he was making himself sick on purpose? This was not like Brian to think something like that! What had he done wrong? His thoughts were interrupted by another sharp cramp in his midsection. God, when will this ever stop? " Ah shit!" That was the proper word for the situation. Bending over he groaned, getting everybody's attention. He stood up abruptly, " Excuse me," before dashing towards the house and the guestbathroom.

There were laughter coming from the rest of the gang, when they realized Nick's situation. All but Brian who shook his head slowly, as he saw his friend's desperate escape.

" Looks like Nicky's ass is on fire," AJ grinned, getting a playful slap from Sarah on his arm.

“ Ajee, don´t make fun of Nick. How would you feel if you had the stomach flu?”

“ Shitty!” AJ grinned and the rest of the crowed laughed. Sarah swapped his arm, ”Ajeee!!”

" Hey, it´s not like he is dying or anything."

" Nick has been awful sick alot lately, don´t you think?" Kevin frowned. He was thinking back at the AMA when the man had looked like utter and sheer hell. And by the look of it he wasn´t faring any better this day either. Poor kid!

" So what is new," Howie said lightly as he put sun lotion on Caroline's back, massaging it in. " We all know that whenever Nick is in for something important his nerves gets all wierd."

" Yeah or he is coming down with something." Kevin mumbled mostly to himself.

This was something they all agreed on and with laughter they started to talk about all of those times when they had been in the same situation as now. And there were many. Brian was the only one that wasn´t butting into the conversation. Instead he was thinking about all the "signs" that he saw and he debated wheather or not he should tell the rest of the guys about the ink marks. But that could be further embarrassing Nick and even if he was upset with him for withholding information Brian didn´t want his friend to suffer anything more than he did right now.

His thoughts were interupted by an loud shrill from Nick's cellphone. With an bit of hesitation Brian picked it up. " Nick Carters phone, Brian," he answered, as he hushed the rest of the crowed down. It was a Tampa area code and Brian instantly assumed that it was Nick's friend Mike on the other line. " Wassup?" he continue getting interrupted by a mature female voice, " This is Dr. Andersen. May I speak to Nick Carter?"

Brians heart jumped twice. What did an doctor want Nick? Was he right after all? That Nick was seeing someone for his eating disorder?

" Eh..uh.. Nick is an bit indesposed at the moment. Can I leave a message?" He swallowed hard.

" No, just tell him that I have called if he wants to page me pack." With that she hung up leaving Brian sitting silent, phone in hand.

" What was that about?" Kevin asked curious as he saw his cousin's strange behavoir. It was not like Brian, looking so concerned over an phone call.

" Ah nothing," He shrugged. " Just someone searching for Nick." He paused an bit before he added, " Probably from his record company." There were no use in scaring anyone, besides he only had his assumptions, no proof and this Dr. Andersen could be just anyone. Hadn´t Nick said that he was batteling the effects from some cold? Maybe this was his own physician and he was just getting a check up. Yeah that had to be it. A regular control!

p> " How are you feeling?"

" You need anything for your stomach?"

The questions were raining over Nick as he came out to the deck again. Paler than ever before. " I just wanted to tell you guys that I think I´ll pass on the dinner tonight. My stomach is completly out of control and I will go and lay down for an bit." It was taking him all the strength he could muster saying those words and there were sounds of dissapointment. "Sorry."

“ That's ok, Buddy,” Kevin said, laying an arm around his shoulder.” Take all the rest that you need.” There were some mumbles that he should take it easy.

" Hey Nick, someone called you while you were gone. Someone from your record company. Brian took the call." Howie interrupted, gesturing with his head towards the young Kentuckian.

"Oh,"

p>Nick paled even more. It was like he was sensing who had made the call and Brian noticed this instantly, " Yes someone named," he went silent for a moment, " Andersen.. Heard of that name before?"

Seeming an bit umcomfortable Nick said, " Yeah..yeah that is the guy that is into sounds and he probably wants me to call back."

p> "Yes Nick, SHE does want you to do that!" Brian said slowly, looking sternly into Nick's eyes.

"A she?" Now AJ was into the game. " Kaos buddy, why didn´t you say that you had met some chick?" He grinned. " Is she hot?"

" Ajeeee," Sarah interupted him.

" What?" he asked annoyed, " Can´t a guy ask if his little brother has met someone?"

" There are somethings that you might want to keep to yourself," Leighanne said with a smile. She was definatly referring to her and Brian's private life who she thought was way too public sometimes.

" Well, " AJ said, " Not if you´re in the Backstreet Boys! Don´t you know that everything we say and does gets in media or to the fans faster than the speed of light?" He said it with an mixture of fun and sadness.

" What did they want?" Kevin said as he sat down on the sunchair again. " You have to go in the studio? Or?"

" Why don´t we ask Nick?" Brian sneered and the rest of the guys looked at him.

Nick fidgeted nervously, " I really don´t feel well," he said, " Give me the phone Bri and I call from my room. Ok?" His pleadingly eyes looked at Brian and suddenly all of the anger that he felt for Nick hiding something important from him was gone. Replaced by an new form of concern.

As he handed Nick the phone, he said " I hope the stomach flu kicks back soon, and IF there is something bothering you, come and talk to me. Ok?"

" Sure," Nick said it too fast as he took the phone. This behavior puzzled the rest of the guys. As soon as Nick had gone back to the house Kevin turned to Brian.

" What is the matter with you? Why are you so upset with Nick?"

" Yeah man, is it something that you know that you don´t come out clean with?" AJ was always the suspecious one.

" No dude, it´s just that Nick has been acting so strange lately and I´m concerned over him," he said with a sigh.

" Yes I think that goes for all of us," Howie nodded.

" Well, " When Kristin had been listening to the conversation long enough she cut in, " If you are so worried about him. Why don´t anyone of you ask him straight up what it is that is bothering him?"

" Honey you don´t know Nick," Kevin laughed, " Nickster make an art from keeping everything away from us these days. You should have seen how he acted in Japan when he had something as common as the mumps."

" Yeah, " AJ grinned, " You might have thought that he had cancer!" There were an chuckle and soon the worriness was all drowned away as they started to talk about the formal dinner party in Tokyo when Nick had been drunk out his ass.

All but Brian who silently thought about the phone call he just received from Dr. Andersen. There were something seriously wrong with Nick, he just knew it. And he intended to find out what.

Before it was too late.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 24

Brian tossed and turned for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. He couldn´t shake the feeling that Nick was hiding something from him. Why was he getting sick all the time and why had a doctor called him?

What had him greatly disturbed was those ink marks! He´d seen them before, but only on cancer patients that were going through radiation. When he was admitted at the hopsital he had met a girl who had cancer and they had talked for a long time. They had even gone swimming together at physical therapy and she had shown him on her chest those radiation marks. If he didn´t know better he would think that Nick's marks looked exactly the same.

But Nick would never hide something as terrible as cancer from him so that was totally out of the question.

It was a much safer bet that he was going into some sort of weight therapy since he knew that Nick's new management thought that the blonde was too fat to make it on the hit lists. Like he was singing with his body!

With a groan Brian turned to his side again. This whole idea of the boys staying at his place had turned out to be a bad idea. Mainly because he and Leigh were going to break the BIG news and it was all drowned in Nick being sick. Yes, they were expecting a baby and he was thrilled about it. Somehow the happiness died down when Nick was acting so strange all the time. Brian loved his band brother like it was his own flesh and blood and he didn´t want anything to go wrong.

This had left them keeping their secret to themselves and they had decided to tell the rest of the boys when it was time. Leighanne was 3 months pregnant and the worst of the morning sickness had died down. Brian was surprised that Nick hadn´t called him on this since the blonde had a knack in seeing things pretty fast. He had a built in intuition, being a rather sensitive character! He was the one that had told Brian that it would be him and Leighanne. He said it after they just had dated a few times and Brian had laughed it off. But Nick had been right.

“Honey, you´re not asleep?” Leighanne asked as she heard her husband sitting up in bed.

“No,” he pretended to yawn, “go to sleep, I´m just getting a night sandwich.” He patted his wife gently on her stomach where their baby rested and then stood up.

“It´s Nick, isn´t it?”

“No,I just have to pee and get something to eat, like I said.” He felt annoyed that she could read him so good. Like an open book.

“Liar!" Leighanne chuckled as she rolled to her side. “Don´t eat too much,” she called out to him as he put on his robe, “it´s starting to show.”

“Like you´re the one to talk.” Brian laughed as he opened the door. ”Night honey,” he mumbled as he stepped outside in the hallway. It was dark and silent in the big house. At first sight he thought he was the only one alone until he heard the guest bathroom door slam shut.

Nick?

Instantly Brian walked towards where he heard the sound and from the crack of the bathroom door he could see that the light was on. “ Nick, is that you?” he called out, knocking softly at the door.

An grunt and a moan was heard, but no one answered.

“Nick, open up.” He was getting more concerned now and knocked harder. It wasn´t the first time that Nick had been sick infront of him. In fact he had lots of practice taking care of a sick Nick.

“I´m here,” Nick´s voice was muffled and Brian set his ears, what was he hearing? Was Nick crying? This had Brian even more intent on getting in and he started to bang the door, not caring if he woke up the whole neighborhood.

“Are you alright? Are you sick?”

“ Nooo, just doing my business.” Nick's words weren´t too convincing and once again Brian got that gut feeling that Nick was hiding something. What if he was making himself sick on purpose? In that way that bulimic victims did!

Trying to regain his calmness, Brian asked, “ Is your stomach any better? You want any pepto bismol?” There was silence for awhile and he waited impatiently as Nick made up his mind.

“I´m just gonna take a shower.”

“Ok,” Brian sighed. Nick was so hard to break into his shell these days. “ Let me know if you need something, ok?”

“Sure, G’night.” Nick's voice was drowned away as he turned the shower on. Brian waited a moment before he left the bathroom, unwillingly. He´d lost his appetite and instead decied to turn back to bed, needing to feel Leighanne close to him. Leigh and the baby. His baby.

**********************

“ Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Nick banged his fist in the shower cabin. Why did he have to be such a coward? Why didn´t he come clean and tell his longtime friend how shitty he felt? Why was he such a wuss? He hated his life. He hated what he had become!

The tears streamed down his face as he let the hot water rinse over his swollen body. Grabbing the soap he tried to wash out the ink marks. Trying to wash away the sickness.

He felt marked. Marked for life in more sense then one!

A sick thought crossed his mind and he compared himself with the prisoners in the concentration camps in the second world war. They had been marked too. With numbers. On their way to the death chamber.

There were similiarities with radiation. He held the faith in his hands. When he was down he imagined that he felt the same way, like those prisoners had felt. Everyday was a struggle for life and the worse he felt, the more he was certain that he would not make it especially since he´d spent most of the evening running back and forth to the bathroom after severe bouts of stomach cramps.

After talking with his doctor she had advised him to try and eat small meals. But how could he do that when everything that he ate went straight through his body? The doctor hadn´t sounded too happy over this outcome and she wanted him to go back home on Sunday, a day earlier so she could examine him closer. Apparently the sympthoms weren´t suppose to be so bad this early in the treatment program. She was also concerned over the pain that he still experienced in his stomach.

Even if she hadn´t spelled it out Nick knew that this was bad news and this could only mean one thing: They would start him on agressive chemoteraphy.

He´d refused to fly back home on Sunday. It would be much too obvious that he was up to something. The fellas knew him pretty well and they would instantly suspect him for hiding something. Deep in his heart he didn´t know how long he was being able to play this charade. He was running empty on ideas to call in sick. There were just so many times you could say that you had the stomach flu or a migraine before they would start to get suspicious. Brian was already snooping and it was just a matter of time before they found out the truth.

Nick was more and more concerned over how he would manage working on both the new backstreet album and his own solo album. He knew that one of these had to be set aside and instanly he knew that his own album had to be set aside for the boy's album. He loved the boys too much to let them down. Especially since he didn´t know if he would be fit to finish the album at all. This would disappoint the fans greatly.

Emotions were dwelling up inside him and he had never felt so alone before. It hurt and he wanted the pain to stop. This backset in his condition had been a reminder that he wasn´t as well as he thought he was. And that he wasn´t untouchable either.

It was amazing, yet scary how fast life could change.

Turning off the faucet he stepped out of the shower, grabbing a soft white towel. Brian and Leighanne had a very lavish home and they had decorated it with love. Even the towels matched the tiles and Nick smiled. Until he saw himself in the large mirror. He was still fat, but some of the swolleness had started to go down. At least one thing that was going in the right direction. Even if it was a small comfort.

After putting on his boxers he wiped off his tears before leaving the bathroom. Just in case someone would see him. Tears were weakness and if there were one thing he didn´t wanna be it was weak.

That would be like throwing in the towel. Having to admit that he hurt!

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 25

” God, Nick can´t you do anything right?” Howie exclaimed when Nick sang the wrong tune for the fifth time in a row. They were having a rather pressed schedule since it was hard to get the men to come together as a group. Nick had spent most of his time with his solo album and both Kevin and Howie were involved in a charity.

“Yeah, Kaos, get your lazy ass in gear and start doin’ some serious business.” AJ grinned and normally Nick wouldn´t have been offended, but today he was just so tired, totally drained out of energy. His stomach was still making life difficult and even if he had tried to follow the doctors advice of eating small meals, he still felt like shit! The expression couldn´t be more accurate since he was still running to the bathroom and his stomach hurt like a bitch.

“Stop yelling at him,” Brian said, “ Can´t you see that the dude isn´t feeling too hot?” He said it in a soft voice.

Nick turned at Brian. What was he saying? Did Brian suspect something? OK it was like B to show concern, but there were something in his voice that caught Nick's attention. A tone of pity? Or maybe just that he seemed overly concerned, like he know something more. Had Brian heard him last night when he had bawled in the shower?

Oh God, please don’t, Nick begged. The last thing he needed was the guys to find out his secret.

“Yeah man, is your stomach still upset?” Kevin the father, butted into the conversation.

“No, stop bothering me so I can set this song.” Nick sneered and the producer saw a chance to get the show on the road again, “Ok Nick, we´ll take it from the beginning again.” With that he pushed the red button and Nick took put on his headphones again. Clearing his voice he sang the verse again and it sounded just as bad as before. If even worse!

“Shiiiiiiiitttt Niiiicccckkkk!!!” Aj screamed slamming a fist on the table.

“If you paid as much attention to this album as you do to your own cd then we wouldn´t have to sit here listening to you taking the song over and over again.”Kevin's words hit him in his gut with full force. Nick had always been very sensitive to what his “brothers” thought about his singing and preformance and when Kevin criticized him, it had always hit him. Hard!

This was the last thing he needed to hear. His temper was tested and the way he felt he didn´t need the guys yelling at him. Of course they had no idea what was plagueing him, but they could at least show him some consideration. With a loud bang he threw his headphones down and stormed out of the room. Dashing past the guys he heard Brian's, “Nick, come on.” Yet he didn´t care. Slamming the door open he set his pace towards the restrooms. His stomach was making fast calls again.

Luckily the mens room was not occupied and he slinked into a stall, locking the door behind him. There he sat down, not a moment too soon, his stomach turning inside out. Fuck, when was this shit ever going to stop?

“Nick?” Brian had come into the restroom and he knocked softly on the door where he expected Nick to be.

“Go away.” Nick wheezed as his body was overcome with yet another cramp. He moaned, folding over in half. Closing his eyes to block out the world outside.

“No! Are you sick?” Brian had no intention to leave his buddy alone and he waited patiently as Nick finished up his business.

As soon as Nick came out from the stall and went over to the wash basin he grabbed his friend at his arm.” Man, what is the matter with you?” His crimson blue eyes tried to get Nick's attention, but the blonde shied away.

“Nothing!”

“Don´t say that!” This time Brian was intending to find out the truth, even if it meant that they had to stay in the restroom all evening and night. “What´s eating you?”

“Nothing. I´ve just caught the flu. Let me go.” Nick tried to get out of Brian's grip, but instead the short man hardened the grip.

“Nick,” he said calmly, “the flu doesn´t make you get called up by a doctor.”

“That's really none of your business.” Nick was not being very co-operative.

“Maybe,” there was a pause, “but the flu doesn´t make you put purple ink marks on your stomach!” The way Brian spat out the words made Nick jump ten feet.

“Huh?” He wasn´t going to let on how surprised he was and therefore acted like he didn´t have a clue what his friend was talking about. Besides when did Brian spot his ink marks? He hadn´t shown himself shirtless for a long while and it wasn´t just because of the cancer.

“Don´t act like you don´t know what I´m talking about.” The sweet talk was out of the picture and Brian looked Nick hard in his eyes.

“Well I don´t!”

“Nick, look at me when I´m talking to you.”

“Eh..uh..” Not much to say.

“ Nick!” There was a brief silence before Brian said slowly, “You´re not trying to loose weight are you? I mean in the wrong way..” Silence again, “ Like you have an eating disorder.” The last words were said in such a fast speed that had Nick choking.

“Eating disorder?” There was disbelief in the blonde's voice and Brian didn´t know what to say. Nick looked very pale, dark circles under his eyes. But it was the shimmer in his friends eyes that had him concerned. It was like there were something lacking. Life!!!!

“You think that I have an eating disorder? Like anorexia or bulemia?” Nick sounded annoyed and this had Brian fidgeting. “Do you think I´m THAT fat?”

“No, I´m sorry. I didn´t mean that...I..I..meant that..uh..heck Nick. Why else would you have those purple marks on your stomach?” Brian was yelling out the words, beyong caring that it came out wrong. He was much too concerned over his friend to let the subject drop.

“I´m sick, let me go.” Nick tried to get out of the situation.

“Yeah I notice. You´ve been heaving your guts up for a long time and it can´t be flu. Nick you have to stop this nonsense and start eating and..”

“I can´t.” The words were silent, barely visible for Brian to hear.

“Why not?”

“Beacuse..beacuse..I have CANCER!” The words flew out of Nick's mouth before he had a moment to stop the conversation to go further. He could see how the words hit Brian in his gut. Like a bullet. Crash on impact.

“Eh?” Brian stared at his young friend. What was he saying? That he had cancer? This had to be another of Nick's sick jokes.

“Yes you heard me.” The cat was already out of the bag. “I have cancer, Hodgkins disease and I´m on radiation treatment.”

There was silence in the room before Brian uttered a short, “ Damn!"

Nick pricked up his ears. In all those words he had rarely heard his very religious friend use such a strong word and this scared him dearly.

“Nick..why?? Why didn´t you say anything? Why?” Brian stood there, arms folded over, not knowing what to do or say.

“Beacuse..you wouldn´t have believed me and..and..” Tears streamed down Nicks face. Silently. “I thought that I would manage on my own.”

“How long have you known?” It was clear that the Kentuckian was in shock, yet he tried to answer as clear questions as he could.

“A little over two weeks.” Nick grabbed a paper towel, wiping off his tears. He sniffled and felt all alone. Brian hadn´t acted like he had expected. All he wanted was a hug and now Brian was standing there as a statue, looking like he didn´t care. Almost mad at him.

“ And how long did you intend to keep this secret?” There was coldness in Brian's voice.

“ I don´t..I don´t know.” Nick sniffled. What else could he say?

His thoughts were interrupted by Brian, “ Don´t you think that we have known each other long enough to tell each other something this serious?” He didn´t sound mad anymore,more sad and defeated. Nick hung his head low. He´d upset his friend and that was not his intention at first place.

Why could he never do anything right?

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 26

Cancer? Hodgkins? Two weeks? Nick??? The worlds swirled around Brian's head as he tried desperately to grip the situation. Nick had to be lying, pulling his leg..anything. There were not a chance that his little brother could be sick. Coud he?

The moment Nick had uttered the magical word the world stopped. It became hard to breath and Brian didn´t know what to say. As in slow motion he heard himself ask all these questions. His emotions were all hay wire and nothing made any sense. Anger, sadness, shock it was all bland in a mixture.

Nick! His Frack sick? An impossibility.

“Are you sure?” Brian could hear himself choking out the words as he stared at his blonde friend.

Nick nodded. “Yeah, they done some tests and it came out positive. My spleen is infected and now they want me to go back since the radiation shit isn´t working as good as it should. And it makes me feel like crap!"

“Aha.”

There was silence again.

“Does your mother know? Your parents?”

Nick shook his head. Furioulsy. “ No! And I don´t want them to know anything either.” There were threats in his voice and Brian had to calm him down. Tears were streaming faster now and this had Brian confused.

“Nick, man, I´m so sorry.” Brian breathed hard. Nick was hurting and he couldn´t do anything about it. This made him feel so small. Small and helpless. In a thrieving attempt, he put his arm around Nick, waiting for him to shrug it away. When nothing like that came, Brian gave him a hug. His own tears were starting to spill over. This was the worst that could have happened and the whole situation felt surreal.

“ Frack, it will all be ok. It will,” he murmured softly as he hugged Nick tight.

For anyone passing by, this must have looked akwardly, yet none of the guys cared. Nick wasn´t as small as he had when he was young yet he leaned his head against Brian. Resting, taking in the warmth that the Kentuckian provided.

“ I don´t know..I don´t know anything anymore.” Nick sobbed.

“ You have to tell the guys. They need to know.”

“ Noooo!!” Nick pulled hastily away from Brian's grip. “ No!”

“ Nick they do. They are your friends, your brothers and they have the right..”

“I said NO!” The voice was firm and Nick stared into Brian's eyes. “ They will not..I repeat..NOT know anything.”

“But..”

“ Oh fuck, why did I tell you anything? I knew that it would be like this!” Nick screamed as he banged his fist in the wall.

“No Nick..No” Brian tried to calm Nick down, but it was useless. Nick was much too upset and Brian felt scared looking at his friend. The eyes were wild and it reminded him of a caged animal. He was white as a sheet and tears streamed down his face, leaving him red-eyed and bloated. His hair hung close to his skull and looked almost as lifeless as the whole appearance.

“ I didn´t mean to upset you. I´m sorry.”

Nick turned his blurry eyes towards him, mumbling, “ No..I´m sorry. Heck I don´t know what came over me. I´m being such a sissy these days.” There was a small smile toying in his lips and Brian tried to match it.

“ It´s ok..it really is. I have no business saying what you should do.”

Both of the men looked at each other. Something had happened. Something that had changed their lives forever. Nothing would be the same anymore. The cancer had come between them. The secret of death.

“S’ok.” Nick ran his hand nervously through his tousled hair. Brian didn´t know what to say. Nick was the first one to break the silence that had occured, saying, “Brian I want this to be a secret between just you and me. You know like the old days. Frick and Frack.”

“I have to tell Leighanne.” Brian mumbled and Nick's eyes hardened.

“No you don´t. I don´t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Besides I´m going to beat this shit and pity I can do without.”

“ But Nick, Nick you can´t do that alone. You need friends and..”

His words got interrupted by Nick, “I´m not alone. You know it don´t you? And you´re my friend, ain´t you?” There was a hesitation in the tone and Brian felt his heart ache with pain. He wasn´t thinking clearly.

“Yes Nick. Yes...” Brian whispered, “ I´m your friend.”

“ Good.” Wiping his eyes he continued, “ Then lets go back to the others. They´re waiting.”

Brian stared at Nick. It was like he had told him something ordinary like he had a headache or something and not cancer. There were so many questions that Brian wanted to ask, but they wouldn´t be let out.

“ Come on then. What are you waiting for?” Nick opened the door to the restroom, as if nothing had happend and Brian trudged along. Silently.

As soon as they came back to the studio both Kevin and AJ attacked them wondering where they had been.

Instantly Brian wanted to shout out that there was no need at sounding like this and that Nick was sick, but a warning eye from his friend had him stop, gaping.

“Sorry man, but my stomach is just really messed up and I couldn´t leave the restroom.” Grinning the blonde tried to get out of the situation.

“ If you ate more healthy you wouldn´t be in such discomfort all the time.” Howie interjected sourly.

“Talk about fast food.”

AJ grinned and there was laughter in the room. All but Brian smiled and they made some comments about Nick and his situation. Even Nick laughed and when Brian opened his mouth to object, Nick was soon there with a “Don´t” gleaming in his eyes.

The day dragged along. Brian felt like the news he just received was just a bad dream. A nightmare. Nick was acting like he always did. Maybe less goofier and silly, yet he didn´t look like he was suffering from some deathly disease.

Brian wanted nothing more than to take Nick aside and ask him more about his condition, and as soon as he would get a chance he would pull Nick asisde. Right now it was like the blonde was ignoring him, acting like nothing had happend and this had Brian upset.

“Frack, man we need to talk.” Brian whipsered as soon as Nick came out from the record booth, finally setting the song straight.

“Not now.” Nick was pulling away and when Brian insisted he sneered, “What the heck. Can´t you see that I´m busy?”

Brian jerked. What was it with Nick? One second he bawled into his arms and the next he was acting like he was thin air? Deep inside he suspected that Nick felt embarressed over the whole situation and that he wanted it to be long forgotten. Yet there was no way that Brian could forget the words that Nick had said. After all it wasn´t everyday that you heard that your friend had cancer.

Was it?

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 27

It all happend so fast, yet it seemed like an eternity. Two days ago Brian was having the time of his life. Happily married to Leighanne, expecting a baby, working on the new Backstreet album. In short, he enjoyed life! Then something happened that crashed everything. Nick had dropped the bomb. He had cancer! And now Brian's whole world was turned upside down.

Glancing at the person next to him in the plane seat, Brian made sure that Nick was comfortable. He reached towards the grey blanket and covered his friend up. As he “tucked” Nick in, his hand accidently met Nick's cheek. It was warm. He was pale, yet flushed and frowning, Brian felt the blonde's forehead. Definately a fever. Why hadn´t Nick said anything?

Shaking his head in concern, Brian concluded that Nick kept too many secrets for his own good. What people didn´t know about Nick was that he was very deep, and not that easy to get into life. He was outgoing, yet very quiet about his inner thoughts and emotions.

Brian smiled when he thought back on the time when they first met each other. Nick was an airhead, so full of life and they had instantly found each other. They had become Frick and Frack and there were endless nights when Brian had stayed with the blonde playing Nintendo, talking. They had played pranks together and Brian had always been at his side. Nick was a tough guy to figure out and he was one of the very few people that got close to Nick. Once you´ve gained the young mans trust, he would be your friend for life. It was just that it was a long and dwindling road to get there and very few had the patience to walk there.

“Mpfff..” Nick stirred in his sleep, mumbling something incoherent. “Nooo!” His forehead was in deep wrinkles and it appeared as he was in pain.

With a soft touch, Brian stroked Nick on his cheek, calming him down, while whispering,” Shhh, go to sleep.”

Once again Nick stirred, but he didn´t wake up.

With a deep sigh, Brian leaned back in his leather seat, thinking back on the past two days. They had been turbulent, to say the least, and he hadn´t got any chance to sit down and talk to Nick. The schedule was very pressed and the guys had to work on several songs. That, combined with the fact that Nick avoided him, acting like everything was just peachy, had Brian confused. He´d slept bad the past two nights and when Leighanne had asked him what was wrong he told her a “white” lie. It hurt his heart, keeping such an important secret from her. Still, he knew that if he betrayed his friend with such a matter, Nick would never forgive him and he could never gain the trust again. Too many people had burned Nick throughout his years and these things had set footprints on his soul.

Brian had told Leighanne that he had an indigestion problem and that he thought that he might be coming down with the same disease as Nick. The flu! Leighanne, not looking too convinced had left it there. Dropping the issue.

It wasn´t until Sunday evening when Nick had gone into his room to pack for his trip back home, that Brian had a chance to sit down and talk. To his surprise Nick had asked Brian if he could come back with him to Florida. This could be interpreted like a cry for help, since the young man was very hard headed and rarely asked anyone for help. Especially not these days.

Brian had agreed to go back with Nick and to his wife he said that he was helping Nick sorting out some personal problems. He was just going to be away for a few days and even if Leighanne had agreed upon it his guts told him that she was not very happy over the situation. She claimed that he was keeping something from her and once again he felt terrible lying for her. Comforting himself he thought about that this was for the benefit of Nick and that he needed him more than she did. Either way he did he felt bad. Leighanne was in a moody period of her life, much due to the pregnancy and she was very emotional. Crying, having outbursts. Brian knew that she didn´t want to be left alone and it was with a pang in his heart that he followed Nick back.

When he told the rest of the guys that he was going to accompany Nick there were various reactions. Kevin had taken him aside asking if there were anything wrong. Another lie, this time to his cousin, “ the father” of the group. Brian was a bad liar and he had no clue how long he was going to be able to keep up this charade. He decided to talk to Nick and get him to change his opinion of not telling the guys. After all, this was a too big of a burden to carry all by himself.

Looking at the blonde by his side, Brian felt worried. He didn´t look so good with his pale features and flushed cheeks. Judging by his facial expression he could tell that he was in some kind of pain. Nick cradled his stomach with one hand and he moaned softly in his sleep. This was not a great sign.

The flight took way too long and Brian, never being much of a flyer although not as bad as Nick, was pretty beat when the stewardess announced that they were soon going to land and that the trays should be put up and seatbelts fasten.

Shaking Nick slightly on his shoulder he tried to get his attention. Groaning Nick opened his eyes, peering at his friend with blurry vision. A bit disoriented he looked around in the plane, “ Where..Where did all the girls go?” he asked confused.

Brian couldn´t help but smile, “ You were dreaming about girls? Oh Frack when is your brain ever resting?”

“Huh?” It was clear that Nick didn´t follow his lines and Brian saw it fit to clarify the situation. “ There are no girls here...unfortunately.” He smiled.” You´re on a plane. Dreaming.”

“ Oh!” Nick ran his hand through his hair and then leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes again. ”What time izzit?”

“Dinnertime, 6:35 pm and we will soon be landing.”

“Mhm.” Nick yawned and stretched his joints as he made another, more serious attempt, to wake up. Now that he was more awake Brian felt it was ok to ask Nick some questions about his health.

“How´re you feelin’?”

He knew that Nick wasn´t too hot in talking about himself and his situation. And certainly not discussing his own health. This came from a long way back, from the early days, when everybody called him a whiner. It was partly true. Nick had been and was in a certain amount still a whiner, but he was also easily exhausted and had no strength in fighting off germs.

“Better.”

The young man wasn´t very talkative and Brian made a lame try to get him into a conversation. “You should since you´ve slept through two meals and two movies. Not that you missed anything. It was some boring war movie.”

“Ok.”

“Talk about fun company.” Brian grinned.

“Sorry.”

Frowning, Brian looked at his friend. He´d expected some smart reply and when Nick didn´t even make a small smile he shook his head slightly. This was not the Nick that he used to know. He had to do something to cheer his friend up.

“You wanna go fishing when we get to your home?” he asked, knowing that Nick never stood up a chance to go out with his boat.

“Can´t, we have to go to the Tampa house.” He went silent for awhile, continuing, “Closer to the hospital.”

That was right. Nick wasn´t signed in Miami hospital, and therefore couldn´t go to Marathon. The place that he liked the best. “ Besides,I don´t know if I feel up to it.” Nick mumbled as he straighted up his seat. “ My stomach feels all wierd.”

“ I meant we can go tomorrow or the day after..” Brian stopped in midsentence, he could have bit his toungue. Tomorrow was time for Nick's visit at the hopsital and then he was scheduled for radiation treatment throughout the rest of the week.

“Can´t do,” Nick sighed, “I get really tired after the radiation..” He paused for a moment before continuing, “and sick.”

Brian didn´t know what to say. He hated seeing Nick so low.

“ Sorry,” Nick murmured, looking down on the floor.

He seemed so pathetic that Brian wanted to give him a real bear hug, instead he patted him on the shoulder. After all they were adults and adults don´t hug each other. Especially not men and NOT the Backstreet Boys! There had been many gay rumors through out the years and they couldn´t be more wrong. They were all straight and liked woman. It was mostly Nick who was the one who liked hugging other people. He was a natural and needed lots of affection. Brian took him in when he was young, being his older brother. Staying by his side in sickness and in health, litteraly.

They had been through good and bad times and their friendship was constantly tested. Brian prayed for Nick many times and these last days he prayed that Nick would be well again. It was terrible seeing someone with so much life, slowly draining away.

“What you´re thinking of?” Nick asked when Brian had been quiet for awhile.

“What?,” he jerked, “Oh nothing.”

“You seemed like you were thinking of something. Something important.”

Brian shrugged, “Nah, I was just thinking of the furture.” He bit his lip again when clouds of sadness flashed over his friends face.

“What future?” Nick murmured as a tear trickled down his cheek.

Swollen Issues II- Chapter 28

Back home!

Nick had never liked flying and there was a special feeling when he landed in Tampa. His home city. The good thing about Tampa and Florida was that people were not attacking him wherever he went. They were more used to him and now he had his own parking space in the parking lot down in the basement. The personnel at the airport recognized him and he had a VIP room where he could stay when he waited to go on a long flight.

He liked the sunshine state and would never trade it for some other place. His family lived in LA and he had to confess that he missed them, but they had recently bought a summer house in Key Largo and this meant that they could be closer to each other. If they wanted to.

This time it felt particulary good to be home since Brian had accompanied him. Even if Nick had a hard time admitting it, he needed his friend. More than he would ever know. His intuition, which he came to trust more and more, told him that tomorrows doctors appointment was not going to be a pleasant trip and he was seriously afraid what the doctor would have to say.

What if there were more bad news? More tests? More pain?

“You want me to drive?” Brian interrupted his thoughts as they were standing in the elevator, going to the parking garage. With no words Nick reached in his pocket and took out his black car key, handing it to his friend. He was so tired that holding his sportsbag felt like lifting concrete. His stomach churned violently and for a moment he thought that he was going to get sick. The nausea passed and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Nick shivered in the warm Florida weather and instantly Brian was by his side, “You´re ok?” Brian's steel blue eyes gleamed with concern.

Shrugging Nick mumbled that he was just tired.

Accepting this answer Brian continued, “You wanna go and get something to eat? I mean it´s way past dinner time and I don´t know about you but I´m starving.” Starving was not exactly the word for what Nick felt, on the contrary he was not hungry at all, yet he murmured, “Whatever.”

A stomach cramp decided to sneak up at him and he folded over slightly, grimacing. The elevator was full of people and several of them looked strangely at him, whispering to each other. He could hear the words, “Nick, Backstreet, Brian and drunk” being mentioned, yet he didn´t care. If they wanted to think that he was drunk or drugged up, fine with him. He was so sick and tired of these rumors and he´d stopped denying them. There was no use. People thrive out of other people's misfortunes and since he was in the spotlight he was a victim for this. It came with being famous.

‘I most really look like hell since no one is jumping all over me,’ Nick thought with a hint of amusement in the midst of his misery. He was always followed, like a bee searching for honey, by fans. There were 20 girls that regularly followed him wherever he went and he was relieved that none of them had actually caught him at the hospital. At least not up in the ward.

But that would just be a matter of time. And then the news would be out!

**************

“ Let me take this,” Brian said, referring to the sportsbag that hung over Nick's shoulder, looking like it was filled with tons of brick.

“Nah, I can manage.” Nick mumbled as he struggled with it, as well as searching through his pockets after the house key. “ Fuck, where is it?” He turned the pocket inside and out, but no key. Feeling desperate and tired, Nick sank down on his stairs, rumaging through his bag. Clothes spread all over the lawn.

“You can´t find the key?” Brian asked patiently and Nick scowled, “Yes, I just love searching for it.”

“There's no need to bite my head off.”

Nick looked like he regretted his words and he mumbled, head down, “Sorry man,I´m just so tired and I don´t need this shit too.” He felt totally defeated.

“ Ok, let´s calm down.” Brian was always trying to be reasonable when it came down to the point.

“ Calm..I´m calm, fuckin’ tranquile,” he muttered as more clothes flew out of the bag and onto the ground. Groaning, Nick concluded, “ I must have left it at your place.”

“Don´t think so. Have you checked your pockets?”

“Duh, what did you think I have done. I´m sick, not a moron.” There was annoyance in Nick's voice, Brian felt sorry for him. Hunching down beside his friend he continued, “I meant the jacket.”

“Jacket?” He was in no mood to deal with any riddles, infact, the nausea was back. With a venegance.

“Yeah, you came with a jacket. Remember?”

“Huh?,” Nick thought for a while. Jacket? What was Brian talking about? Slowly the coins fell down and he remembered his jeansjacket. Pulling it up from the bag, he stuck his hand in the jacket pocket and there, in a safe pocket was the key. With a sigh of relief he opened the door. Not a moment too soon. His stomach was making violent threats and no sooner than they had stepped aside Nick bolted towards his bathroom, ignoring his dogs that came running towards him.

“Hey boys,” Brian cuddled the pugs, while shooting worried glances at the closed bathroom door. The dogs were happy to see someone and they licked Brian in his face. “ You´re pretty rowdy,” he laughed, “just like your master.” The laughter didn´t really reach his heart as he was way too concerned over the noise that were coming from the bathroom.

Nick was being violently sick.

He hesistated for a moment before walking over to the door, knocking, like he had done so many times. “ Nick,you need help?”

“ No,” the words were muffled,” I think I can man..” the last syllables were drowned in the sound of him being sick.

Brian sighed heavily. He hated seeing his friend so miserable. He walked into the kitchen, dogs in tail, leaving Nick to his privacy. Opening the refrigerator he pulled out a cold beer and then sat down in the living room, waiting for his friend to return. Taking a mouthful, he looked around in the room.

Nick's house was sparcely decorated and he could tell that a bachelor lived here since there was not much taste. All Nick did was slept here, he rarely ate any homecooked meals. Nick had housekeepers that took care of both his dogs and the house in Tampa as well as Marathon. He´d met both and they were nice middle aged woman, that really liked Nick. They were mother characters and Brian figured that they symbolized the mother that Nick never had.

“Man, I think I´ll pass on the dinner,” Nick smiled paley as he came into the living room, a glass of water in his hand. “You any better?”

“Mhm,” Nick wasn´t very convincing as he sank down on his sofa. “Hey Bri, do you ever think of life?” he asked deeply, ignoring the topic about his health.

“ Sure,” he said lightly, “Anything special?”

“ Nah, I was just thinking about you know facts of life. When you get sick you kind of realize that you can´t take your life for granted, you know.”

“ Yes, I know.” Brian paused, “ When I had that heart surgery I realized that there are so much more to life than meets the eye.”

“ Yeah you never know what waits around the corner, “ Nick smiled, “ Hey lets drink to that.”

“ To what?” Nick was acting so strangely suddenly and Brian didn´t follow his tracks.

“To fate.” With that Nick raised his glass, “ And to life!”

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 29 No matter how many times Brian changed his position in bed, he couldn’t seem to get comfortable. His worry for Nick invaded his thoughts everytime he managed to start drifting off to sleep and it would wake him from his dreams.

Rolling over onto his left side, Brian punched the pillows and tried to adjust them into a better spot. He laid his head back down and his eyes wandered to the digital clock on the nightstand.

5:43 a.m.

“Dammit, I might as well give up on sleeping,” Brian sighed as he tossed the comforter off his body and slowly sat up. As he sleepily stumbled into the bathroom, his eyes protested the invasion of the florescent lights when he flipped the switch. Quickly splashing cold water onto his face, Brian got a good look in the mirror. His unshaven face gave him a haggared appearance, but Brian quickly dismissed that to jet lag and the time change. Afterall, he theorized, it was only 2:30 in California. The dark circles under his eyes added to the disheveled appearance.

After brushing his teeth, he padded down the stairs quietly only to be met by a series of yaps from the pugs waiting by the fenched off area in the back of the kitchen.

“Sh-h-h-h, fellas, you’re gonna get me busted,” Brian whispered sternly with his index finger pressed on his lips. Stepping gingerly over the barricaide, he unlocked the door and held it open for the dogs to go out into the fenced in area of the back yard.

Yesterday’s paper was laying on the kitchen table, neatly folded, waiting to be read. Brian glanced at the front page and shrugged his shoulders.

“Old news is better than no news I guess.” He grabbed the coffee pot and filled it with water. “Hmmm, wonder where Nick keeps the coffee at?”

Brian started opening cupboard doors and was soon rewarded with a bag of Starbuck’s coffee. He grinned as he pulled it off the shelf. “Way to go Nick, good choice!” When he realized that there wasn’t any measuring cup or spoons in the bag, he started opening drawers, looking for something to spoon the grounds with. His heart sank when he pulled open the third drawer and found some pamplets that were evidentally from Nick’s cancer doctor.

Seeing the papers was a grim reality that what Nick was saying was in fact true - that he had cancer. Tears started to form in Brian’s eyes. He blinked them away and quickly made the coffee and then returned to the drawer and pulled out the booklets.

Taking a seat at the table, he hesitantly picked up the first booklet and started to read.

~*~*~*~*~

“Mornin’ Bri, did you sleep good?”

Startled, Brian jumped. “Huh?”

Nick grinned at his best friend. “Dude, I think you were nodding off, I just asked you if you slept well last night.”

Brian ran a hand through his hair. “Wha, what time is it?”

Nick took a cautious sip from his coffee mug. “Um, it’s 7:25. We don’t have to leave until eight so you’ve got plenty of time. Did you eat breakfast?”

Brian took a good look at Nick. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, coffee mug in hand. His features were still pale and his stomach was slightly distended, poking out against the untucked black tee shirt. His eyes appeared glassy, almost lifeless and his cheeks had an unhealthy flush to them, no doubt another fever was with Nick again.

“Brian? Hey, you keep zoning out on me, something wrong?”

“Um, no,” his eyes trailed down towards the pamplets that were laying on the table. As he looked over to the booklets, Nick’s eyes followed his.

“Oh, I see you’ve been doing some reading. Pretty boring stuff isn’t it?”

Brian narrowed his eyes at the booklets. He couldn’t understand how Nick was acting like this was no big deal. He had cancer. Cancer kills people.

“No, I’d say it was pretty interesting stuff. Which kind of Hodskins did you say you had?”

“I didn’t,” Nick replied and took a quick sip from the coffee mug and poured the contents into the sink.

Brian watched him as he rinsed the cup out and placed it in the dishwasher. “You don’t know what kind you have?”

Nick sighed and Brian could see his shoulders sag before he turned to face him. “I know what kind I have, it’s irrelevant. I’m going to beat this so what difference does the stage I have make?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno.”

“Exactly! I have to get my jeans out of the dryer and get these sweats off, so I guess we’ll leave in about twenty minutes, okay?”

Brian nodded. As he got up from the table, he couldn’t help but think about how Nick was acting like he was sick with a common cold. He was acting like this wasn’t as serious as it is. The pamplets that he had read told him otherwise. It told him what the mortality rates were and the success rates. Nick had one hellofa fight against him.

He entered the living room in time to see Nick at the bottom of the stairs, jeans in his hands, staring upwards. Nick wasn’t aware of Brian and he sighed deeply as he looked at the flight of stairs he had to climb. Instead of bounding up the stairs, Nick took them one slow step at a time, pausing after three or four steps.

When Nick had reached the top, he noticed Brian standing in the living room. He pasted on a grin. “Hey, better hurry up, we don’t want to be late.”

After seeing what he just saw, Brian literally wanted to break down and cry. He was scared for Nick.

The odds weren’t in his favor.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 30

”This sucks,” Nick moaned as he tugged on the IV line that he had running through his hand. After taking his temp and giving him a brief examination, Dr. Andersen had ordered glucouse since she thought he was dehydrated and needed fluid to get some energy into his body. Then she had left him and now Nick and Brian were all alone in the sterile examination room.

 

“I know,” Brian whispered as he soothingly stroke the sick man's hair in long smooth moves.

 

Nick looked up at his friend, who sat on a hard plastic chair by his side. “I´m sorry.” His voice cracked and he turned to face the wall, blinking away the tears that was threatning to spill over.

 

“For what?” Brian asked in mock surprise.

 

“For always causing you so many problems.”

 

“No you´re not causing problems,” Brian objected getting interrupted by Nick.

 

“Yeah I am. I have always been a pain in the butt.” Turning back to his friend he flashed a brief smile.

 

Brian couldn´t help but chuckle, “Yeah maybe you´re right. But I wouldn´t wanna be without this 'certain pain.' He stopped in midsentence as he thought what he had said to his friend.

 

Nick didn´t seem to mind. “Well looks like you´re stuck with me once again."p>

“Huh?” Taking away his hand from the blondes hair he looked confused.

 

“I mean you´ve always had to “tend” to me. Remember when we were in Europe and I was young and you stayed with me playing video games and played pranks with me and ....”

 

This time it was Brians time to interrupt his friend, “Nick, I did it beacuse I WANTED to, not beacuse I felt obligated to do so.” There was a short pause before Brian continued, “Like now. I'm here because I want to be. Don´t think anything else.”

 

“Leighanne needs you.”

 

“She can cope.”

 

Brian was short in his words and this had Nick a bit puzzled. He could tell that his friend was hiding something from him. Not wanting to drop the subject he said, “Speaking of her, how is she doing?”

 

Startled Brian glanced over at Nick. When had Nick ever showed any interest for his wife? “Eh..why?”

 

“Oh nothing, it´s just that you haven´t talked so much about her like you use to do. Is everything alright?”

 

“Well she is fine!”

 

“Okay...okay.” Nick held up his hands in defense. He could tell when Brian didn´t want to talk about something and decided not to press the issue anymore. Besides he was starting to get really tired and closed his eyes in an attempt to doze off.

 

Brian frowned. Did Nick suspect something? He didn´t dare to bring up the subject of his wife afraid that he would spill about the baby. He really wanted to share the great happening with his friend, but somehow this wasn´t the right time for such news. His insides felt torn. One part of him wanted to be close to Leighanne and their baby and the other part wanted to be close to Nick. Why did he have to choose? It wasn´t fair.

 

He had to try and talk Nick into coming and staying at his and Leigh's house in LA. That way he could be close to the two that he loved the most. But knowing Nick, he knew that this was as farfetched as it could be. Nick would never accept something like this and the outcome of him moving to LA for the duration of treatment was zero!

 

Instead, he had to arrange Leighanne to come and stay here in Florida with them. He knew that he wasn´t allowed to let her know about Nick's condition, yet he soon had no other chance than to spill his guts to her. This was becoming harder for each day to bare and he felt like the biggest liar everytime she called to ask how he was doing. Leighanne was a good humanist and she could tell that something was up, even if he had denied it.

 

But what would be even worse than getting Leighanne over here was to get the boys to continue with the recording over in Florida. They were all set to work on the next album in LA and therefore it would be a hassle to get them to move the setting to Orlando without letting them know anything about how ill Nick was.

 

It would be much easier to move a mountain with the tip of his finger.

 

Yet he couldn´t afford to loose Nick! Fingering at the pamplets that the doctor had given his friend, Brian eyed them over. A patient advocate was a serious thing, that he knew. He had assigned one once, his father, when he was going in for heart surgery. Just in case something would have happened. Nick had acted stupid as always when it came to this matter, but he knew deep inside that Nick was thinking about things like this all the time. Even if it didn´t show.

 

Nick was a deep personality. He claimed that he enjoyed living life when Brian knew that he actually was very serious. He was outgoing, yet clamped shut. And not letting anyone in too close on his life and thoughts. He knew that Nick was often suffering from depression and it was more than one time he had been by the young mans side. Except for this past year when they had drifted further apart from each other. But that was another story.

 

“Mpf,” Nick stirred in his sleep and instantly Brian was by his side, stroking his hand. The weeks of radiation had really taken a toll on his friend's body and he feared what chemotheraphy would do to him. Nick was not in the best of conditions and he had heard that chemo could be pretty bad on your health. But then if the doctors said that it was for the best, then he wouldn´t object to it. And neither would Nick. He hoped.

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

It had been a rough couple of hours but finally Nick was allowed back home, even if he had gotten some glucose he was still not running high on energy and he didn´t dare to think how he would have felt if he hadn't gotten this fluid.

 

He flipped through channels, restlessly, while waiting for Brian to come back from the grocery store. Nick wasn´t much of a tv watcher and he became impatient when the shows were too long. Soaps had never been anything for him, neither had talk shows. But he loved documentaries. This was something that very few people knew or would even have guessed about him, but Discovery Channel was something that fascinated him. Learning about other people and science and facts of life. AJ had teased him several times, not to mention the rest of the guys. For a while he was even called “The Little Professor,” but that was mostly when he was really young. It had something to do with this nutty video about library that he was in. The guys had cracked up so bad when they got a hold on this and he remember being so pissed at them. These days it just made him laugh.

 

Because of the Backstreet Boys he hadn´t got a chance to go to high school. Not that he was lacking something, it was just that he really longed to live an ordinary life. Especially when things were getting tough and he had to be in the center all the time. All he ever wanted to do was play with his friends some b´ball and dating girls. But his life had become so much different. Instead he was a famous popstar that was one of the richest performers in the world and he could afford to do almost everything. Yet he was stuck here, in his own home. Batteling a deadly disease. So far away from glamor and partylife as could be.

 

Life was ironic.

 

Sitting up, Nick glanced through the papers about a Patient Advocate. He knew that Dr. Andersen had been very serious when she suggested something like this. He wouldn´t say against it, it was just that he had a hard time realizing that he needed this kind of support. She had been very frank with him when she told him that his prognosis was not so good. Was this the end?

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud signal and automatically he reached for his cell phone.

 

“Nick.”

 

“Hi Nick, this is Leighanne,” A female voice said in a cheerful tone and he sharpened up. No need to let her into how crappy he felt.

 

“Hi, wazz up?” That´s it Nick, sound happy and the whole world smiles with you, he thought miserablely.

 

“Not much. Is Brian there?” Leighanne didn´t sound very talkative, and he didn´t push it.

 

“Nah, sorry. He went to the grocery store.”

 

“Brian? Grocery Store?” There was a hint of amusement in Leighanne's voice, like she thought he was joking with her.

 

“Yeah he needed to pick out..um..stuff.”

 

“Okaayyy.” Leighanne drew her breath, then she said, “Ask him to call me back as soon as he gets here ok?”

 

“Sure. Want me to give him a message?” Nick shifted on the couch. His stomach felt all funny again and he hoped that his health wouldn´t betray him.

 

“Well..” Leighanne thought for a moment then she said, “Just tell him that we got a time at the doctors and..”

 

“Doctors!” Nick interrupted her before she had a chance to spell out the words. Finish her sentence.

 

“Yes, we have time for an ultrasound and..”

 

“ULTRASOUND!” Nick was now yelling into the phone. What was she talking about? Who was sick?. Did Brian lie to him? Was there something wrong with him too? His heart? Questions rinsed all over him at once.

 

“Yes,” Leighanne sounded confused, “you do that when you´re 16 weeks in pregnancy and..” Once again her sentence got cut off.

 

Nick was really upset. “Preganancy?” He yelled with mixed feelings.

 

“Didn´t Brian tell you this?” she asked quietly and he shook his head negatively. “No..no he didn´t”

 

“Oh,” More silence.

 

Nick felt bad. It was like she was suspecting Brian from with holding this from him. Which he was, but not in the way that Nick thought she was. Mixed complications.

 

“Well, um..tell him that I called. Bye.” With that Leighanne hung up, leaving Nick standing there with his cellphone in his hand.

 

Brian, his best friend had lied to him! Even tough he talked so much about honesty. He hadn´t told him that he was going to be a father and now Leighanne was upset too because of this. He strongly suspected that the reason why his “brother” had left out such an important information was because he thought that Nick couldn´t cope with hearing such news.

 

Life couldn´t be more shitty than this!

 

“Hey Nick, help me out!” Brian called from the hallway and he got up from his couch to meet his “friend.” Brian was smiling widely as he dropped loads of brown paper bags on the floor. “Jeeze Nick I have never thought about myself for being a housewife.”

 

“Mhm.” Nick stared at him coldly before saying, “and I thought that we didn´t have any secrets to each other. But I´ll guess that it only applied to me!”

 

“What?” Brian's smile faded quickly when he saw the anger in Nick's eyes.” Uh?”

 

“And you´re saying that I keep secrets from YOU! What if it´s the other way around?” Nick yelled as he ran past him, up the stairs.

 

Brian just stood there as he heard the door to Nick's bedroom slam shut. What did he do? What had happened? He felt totally confused.

 

Swollen Issues II

“Nick! Come on,” Brian called after his friend as he ran up the stairs. Brian knocked softly on the closed door. “Nick, please, talk to me.” Waiting for a reply, he was only answered with silence. Being his usual stubborn self, Nick had retreated into his room, putting the walls up again. It was going to be hard to reach him.

“I can wait all day, come on, let’s talk,” Brian begged.

As he listened, he was certain he heard Nick sniffling and then blowing his nose.

“Nick, please.”

“GO AWAY!” Nick yelled, his voice cracking.

Just as Brian opened his mouth to get Nick to open the door, the telephone rang.

“Better answer that, it’s probably Lee,” Nick spoke quietly, his voice sounding edgy.

Puzzled at Nick’s sarcastic comment, Brian went across the hall to the guest room to answer the phone. “Hello?”

“Brian?” a tearful Leighanne spoke.

Brian gripped the phone tighter, his eyes widened in alarm. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“You don’t love the baby do you? You don’t want the baby....” her voice trailed off when she started sobbing.

“Shh, sweetheart, I never said anything like that. What would give you that crazy idea? I love you and I love the baby,” Brian said softly, trying to calm his wife down.

“I talked to Nick while you were out.”

Dead silence on Brian’s end of the line. Millions of thoughts were running through his mind. Had Nick said something to her about the cancer? He stared at the closed door across the hall, his heart ached.

“Brian?”

Clearing his throat as he tried to regain his composure he managed a small, “huh?”

“Nick doesn’t know about the baby, are you ashamed?”

God, nothing could be further from the truth! Brian wanted to tell Leighanne all that was going on with his little brother, but was bound under obligation to keep silent about the cancer. Keep Nick’s secret. He was the only one that was priveledged to know about the cancer - not even Nick’s parents knew and this was a heavy burden that Brian was carrying on his shoulders. He was ready to break.

“Sweetheart, I love the baby, why would you think I was ashamed?” Brian sidestepped the question.

“Brian, please answer me,” Leighanne begged.

“I thought I just did,” he stalled.

“Why haven’t you told Nick?” she asked as she burst into tears again.

“I.. I, um......” As Brian prepared to give her an excuse there was a loud crash coming from Nick’s room. “Shit, I have to go, I’ll call you later, okay?”

She heard the crashing sound. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Sweetheart, I promise, I’ll call you later, love you bye.” With that, Brian slammed the phone down, leaving Leighanne sitting in California wondering what was going on... alone in her thoughts, worried.

Brian instantly jumped off the bed and ran up to the door, banging on it with his fists. “NICK? OPEN THE DOOR? ARE YOU OKAY?”

“FUCK THIS!” Nick yelled. There was more sounds of things hitting the floor and glass breaking.

“NICK, YOU’RE SCARING ME, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!” Brian begged.

Nick still didn’t open the door, and there were sounds of more things breaking followed by Nick screaming and sobbing.

“Okay, you don’t give me any other choice,” Brian stated as he started kicking at the door knob and finally got the door to open. Once in the room, he found Nick standing in the center among shattered picture frames, broken glass, books and clothes strewn on the floor. Nick’s usually pasty pale face was flushed and sweat was running down his face mixed in with tears.

Gingerly stepping over the broken items, Brian made his way to his little brother and wrapped an arm around him. This finally broke Nick and he collapsed into Brian’s embrace and started sobbing. All Brian could do was hold him, crying along with Nick.

After several minutes had passed, Brian finally urged Nick to go across the hall and sit down. Feeling fatigued, Nick accepted the suggestion and followed Brian into the room.

Neither one said anything for a few minutes. Brian finally sighed.

“Can we talk about what’s bothering you?”

The tears that had dried up, resurfaced once again in Nick’s eyes. He slowly shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Please, I want to help. Have I done something to upset you? Is it about the baby?”

Picking at the blue kleenex in his hand, Nick nodded somberly. “Yeah.” He didn’t dare look into Brian’s eyes, afraid he would start crying again. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep this a secret?”

Brian wrapped an arm around Nick’s shoulder. “Awe, Nick.”

Nick kept up with his preoccupation with the tissue, waiting for an explaination from Brian.

Drawing a breath in, Brian started his explanation. “With all that’s been going on with you, I just thought this was something that could wait.”

Nick’s head shot up and his eyes looked cold as he stared at Brian. “Something that could wait? She’s what, um, four months along? How long were you going to delay telling me? I bet the rest of the guys know about this.”

“Nick, calm down!” Brian soothed.

“I am fuckin’ calm!” Nick argued.

Again Brian sighed. “She’s just only four months, we didn’t say anything to her folks or mine until last week. There’s like this window that I guess a woman can miscarry in the first three months of pregnancy and she had been really sick and I guess we didn’t say anything because we were being supersticious.”

Nick didn’t interrupt as he listened to Brian’s explaination.

“The guys don’t know anything yet, as well as you. You’re actually the first one to know outside of my family and hers, but then again, Nick, you’re my little brother so I guess it’s only fitting that you should find out before the rest of them.”

A slight grin formed on Nick’s lips. He bought the explaination - at least for now.

Clamping a hand on Nick’s shoulder as he stood up he looked across the hall at the carnage on the carpeted floor in the bedroom. “Well, I guess I better find the trashbags and a broom and the sweeper, you made a mess in your room, but then again, nothing’s really changed for you, has it Frack?”

“It’s my mess, I’ll clean it up,” Nick disagreed with a sigh.

“No, you lay down and rest, I can clean it,” Brian agrued.

This set Nick’s temper off. He didn’t want to be coddled with this illness, he wanted to be treated as he had always been by Brian.

“NO! I TOLD YOU I’LL CLEAN IT UP,” he shouted.

“How about both of us clean it up, I heard there’s a good movie on tv tonight, let’s just do this together, okay? I’m gonna fight you on this one Nick so you better allow this, okay?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Nick resigned to accept the help when he realized that Brian was going to be as stubborn about this as he was.

******

“Nicky, time to get up, big day today,” Brian sing-songed on the other side of the door, trying to lighten up the seriousness of the morning.

Slowly the door opened and Nick stood, all pale and sweaty. “I-I don’t feel so good.”

“Shit, you running a temp?” Brian asked as he reached out to feel Nick’s forehead.

Nick successfully ducked away from Brian’s approaching hand - like he had always done in the younger years when he was sick on tour. He hated having anyone of the guys putting their hands on his forehead.

“I’m taking that as a yes then,” Brian remarked, drawing his hand away from Nick’s face. “Did you check your temp?”

“Yeah, it’s 102, no big deal I guess,” Nick sniffed and then coughed.

“Go crawl back into bed and I’ll call your doctor, okay? I doubt you’ll have surgery today then,” Brian advised. “Where’s her number at?”

“Speed dial pound eight,” Nick answered as he laid back down.

Brian followed Nick into the room, wanting to cover his friend up when he noticed the sheets were damp from sweat. “Nick, go take a quick shower, I’ll change the sheets for you, okay? You’ll feel a little better with fresh pajamas on and clean sheets.”

Nick didn’t argue with Brian for a change this time. He slowly lifted his body from the bed and wandered into the bathroom. While Nick was in the bathroom, Brian quickly changed the bedding and then called the doctor.

“He’s running a temp of 102 and he has a little cough and a runny nose,” Brian advised.

“That’s nothing too unusual with this cancer,” Dr. Andersen replied, a slight hint of concern in her voice.

“Is this serious?”

“No, he’s going to be just fine, but I will have to reschedule the surgery for later on this week. It’s very important that he starts the chemo,” she stated.

Brian could sense that she was concerned about the fever. “Are you sure this isn’t serious?”

“No, nothing to worry about,” the woman lied. “I’ll have my office call with a date and time for the surgery. Thank you for calling.” Before Brian could reply, she aburptly hung the phone up.

Nick wandered back out into the bedroom, freshly showered.

“Hey, got the bed all ready for you, climb on in,” Brian offered.

Snuggling down into the sheets and pillows, Nick rolled onto his side and drew the covers up to his neck.

“Do you want the remote for the tv?”

“Nah, I’m going to go back to sleep,” Nick mumbled.

Brian stared at Nick for a moment. “Okay, I’ll check back on you in a bit.”

Softly, he closed the bedroom door and truged down the stairs to the livingroom. Taking the cordless phone from the coffee table, Brian punched in the numbers to Kevin’s cell phone.

“Hey Kev, it’s Bri.”

“Where the hell are you?” Kevin barked.

“Nick’s, remember?”

A long drawn out sigh was emitted into the phone from Kevin. “I thought you said you’d be gone for a few days, what gives?”

“Um, I need a little more time down here,” Brian explained. “Hey, can you talk to Howie and AJ and see if they could come to Florida and maybe we can work on the album by Nick’s.”

“I don’t think that’s gonna fly,” Kevin grumbled.

“Just ask for me, okay?”

Brian could hear Kristin’s voice in the background talking to Kevin. “Yeah, okay. Hey I gotta go, talk to ya later,” Kevin blurted.

“Okay, bye.”

Brian was slowly staring to feel overwhelmed with keeping Nick’s secret. He felt like he was going to break if he didn’t tell someone soon. His wife was upset with him, Kevin was angry with him. He even had to lie to Nick’s family.

All this was for Nick’s privacy and now he was suspecting that something was taking a more serious turn with Nick and his fever. He was getting scared for his little brother. Leaning his elbows on his knees, Brian covered his face as he wept.

Swollen Issues II

Nick stared at the patient advocate papers. He was thinking that this was just a waste of time on his part and for Brian as well. There was no way that he was ever going to get that bad. Just as he was about to throw the papers into the trash, a thought struck him and he stopped.

What if something did go wrong? What if his heart stopped and they wanted to shove tubes in him and dope him up on meds and he would never be the same ever again?

Was this something he wanted? To prolong his agony?

Setting the papers back onto the oak desktop, Nick pushed himself away and stood up.

“Bri? Are you ready to go?”

Brian came around the corner, his eyes were bloodshot and he looked tired. Nick was attributing it to jet lag and lack of sleep. Little did he realize how wrong he was. He had the lack of sleep part right, but he didn’t know that Brian had been up most of the night crying and worrying about him.

“Yeah, all set. Question is, are you ready?”

“Always, I look forward to having surgery,” Nick grumbled.

Brian glanced at Nick’s empty hands. “Hey, where’s your bag, you’re supposed to stay after surgery.”

“Doctor Andersen said I needed to stay, but I have other plans in mind,” came the quick reply.

Brian decided to let it go. He could always come back to the house to gather things that Nick would need after he realizes that staying in the hospital wouldn’t be a bad idea. He had been watching his best friend over the past few days. It all became clearer to him after Nick told him about the cancer. Brian wondered how he never saw all the physical symptoms that something was amiss.

As he followed Nick out to the garage, Nick suddenly took a faltering step and grabbed the door frame for support to keep his balance in check.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked as he reached out to steady him.

Nick jerked his shoulder from Brian. “Yeah, just a little dizzy all of a sudden, but I’m fine.”

“How about I drive?” Brian asked, half expecting Nick to decline. As soon as the words left his mouth, Nick slapped the keys into Brian’s open hand without any objections.

Settling back into the passenger seat, Nick lowered his ball cap over his eyes. “Ya know, 5:30 a.m. isn’t my idea of being fair to a person.”

“Yeah, it is a little early, isn’t it?”

Nick didn’t reply back, just folded his arms across his chest.

Glancing over a few times Brian reached out to the heater button on the panel. “Are you cold?”

“A little,” Nick agreed.

Leaving his own personal comfort aside, Brian dialed up the knob to start the heater in the car. It was going to be another hot Florida day, and although it was 5:30 in the morning, the temperature was already 78 degrees.

Glancing over to his passenger as he drove towards the hospital, Brian kept wondering how he would break the news to Leighanne about Nick. Nick would be pissed when the news gets leaked to anyone, but Brian was obligated to his wife and she was suspicious that something wasn’t right and his whole body was washed in guilt everytime he spoke to her on the phone. Brian decided that while Nick was in surgery that he would place the call to Leighanne and tell her everything and his desire for her to come to Florida while Nick was recovering.

Steering the car into the parking ramp that led to the Oncology entrance to the hospital, Brian sighed. “Hey bud, wake up, we’re here.”

Nick raised up a little in his seat, adjusting the cap up from his eyes. He groaned outloud. “Just peachy.”

******

“Mr. Littrell, he’s all set, you can come back to his room now,” a young nurse in bright flowered scrubs gestured to Brian.

Brian immediately stood up and followed the woman to where Nick laid on a gurney, waiting to be taken down to surgery. This had been the second try to have the surgery done to place the infusaport in. He was rejected a few days ago because of a fever and a slight cough and runny nose.

“So you’ve got the green light this time?” Brian asked as he sat down on the hard plastic chair next to the gurney.

“Yeah, no fever so I guess today’s the lucky day,” Nick grinned half heartidly as he tried to make light of the situation.

Dr. Andersen poked her head around the curtain. “Good morning Nickolas, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Ready to party,” he quipped.

Dr. Andersen smiled broadly. “Have you brought your patient advocate packet with you today?”

Nick’s expression soured. “No, left it on my desk at home.”

“You really need to have that filled out and on file, it’s important,” she urged.

“I’m not planning on anything happening right away, so don’t worry about it, I’ll get it done when I’m good and ready to,” Nick replied, picking off lint on the white blanket that laid across his chest.

Pulling up her clipboard, she sat on the edge of the bed. “I need to go over a few things with you before they take you down. Okay, you know that the port will be placed under your right collarbone and it will be the access site where the chemotherapy pump will be hooked into to administer the doseage for the weeks the you’re on chemo, correct?”

Nick shook his head indicating he understood her.

“Okay, after surgery and once you’re stable, we’ll begin the first round of chemo and we should expect as long as everything goes okay that you will be discharged from the hospital by Friday. I want to also have you started on steriods to help your immune system, those will be done by IV while you’re an inpatient.”

Nick frowned. “Steriods? What are the side effects of those things?”

“Nickolas, all chemo patients are placed on steroids, it’s nothing to be concerned over,” Dr. Andersen replied in a calming voice.

“No, I want to know what the side effects are, I want to know what I’m getting, I have that right don’t I?”

“Well, it would probably increase your energy levels and then there’s a temporary weight gain from them, but once they’re stopped, the weight will drop, it’s mainly fluid---”

“No way, you can skip the steriods,” Nick interrupted.

“Nick, don’t be unreasonable here, it’s for your own good,” Brian pleaded.

“What? They have enough to talk about right now with the way I look, there’s no way I’m gonna take something that’s gonna make me fatter, no fucking way in hell,” Nick glared as he folded his arms across his chest.

“NICK!” Brian gasped, his face immediately turning red from embarrassment when Nick swore in front of the doctor.

“We can talk about this later,” Dr. Andersen reassured.

Nick locked eyes with Dr. Andersen. “Let’s just get this surgery overwith before I change my mind.”

Closing up the chart, the doctor nodded. “Okay, we’ll see you down in surgery in a few minutes.”

After the doctor left the two alone, Brian gazed at Nick. “Why do you have to be so darn stubborn?”

Nick shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

A tall, black older man appeared around the curtain. “Hi Nick, you ready to take a ride?”

Nick pasted a thin smile on his face. “Yeah.”

The man gestured to Brian with a nod of his head. “You can follow us and I’ll show you where the waiting room is.”

Wordlessly, as Brian followed the cart, he couldn’t help but notice that some of the faces that filed past them seemed to look as if they recognized Nick and him. He prayed they didn’t but he knew that it wouldn’t be too much longer and this would be leaked out to the media, it was inevitable.

More of a solid reason to fill Leighanne in as well as the guys.

“Okay, here’s where they will call you after he’s out of surgery. You can tell him goodbye here,” the man directed as he stopped the gurney.

Brian walked up to Nick and embraced him in a tight hug. “I’ll be seeing you in a few Kaos.”

Nick hugged Brian back a little harder and pulled away, tears evident in his eyes. “Love ya Frick.”

******

Gripping the cellphone, Brian sat the privacy of Nick’s vehicle. He had been sitting, staring off into space, dailing all but two numbers to his house several times before he would lose his nerve and shut the phone off. Taking a deep breath, Brian decided it was time to face up to this like a man. He once again dailed the numbers and waited while the phone rang.

And rang.

And rang.

“Hello?”

Brian tensed up as Leighanne answered the phone.

“Um, ah, hi sweetheart.”

“Brian? What’s wrong? Where are you?”

Brian swallowed nervously. He could never put anything past Lee when he was upset. His voice always was a dead giveaway. He couldn’t hold it in anymore and he started sobbing into the phone.

“I’m sorry,” Brian managed to choke out between sobs.

Leighanne’s heart was breaking. She could hear the pain in Brian’s cries and she wanted to be there to talk to him face to face. “Shh, hun, take a deep breath, just take your time.” Tears were slipping down her cheeks as she listened to her husband weeping. “Where are you?”

Closing his eyes as if it would give him the courage he needed, Brian rushed the words out. “I’m at the hospital.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh my god, what’s wrong, are you okay?”

“It’s Nick,” Brian whispered. He felt horrible for betraying Nick, but he couldn’t keep it inside any longer. He waited for a response from her, but then decided to just keep on talking or he would lose the nerve to continue. “Honey, I need you, can you fly out today?”

“What’s wrong Brian?” her voice was full of alarm.

“I can’t tell you over the phone, I need to talk to you face to face,” Brian swallowed and sniffed. “Just leave me a voice message when you get the flight and times, okay? I need to go back to the waiting room. He should be out of surgery soon.”

“Brian?”

“Yeah?”

Leighanne was going to press for information, but she realized that Brian really needed to talk to her face to face and tell her what the problem was. “I love you and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Love you too, bye.”

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 35

For the fifth time in just as many minutes Brian glanced at his watch, while pacing the waiting room like an animal in a cage. He waited for Nick to come out of surgery. It was suppose to be a short procedure but now he had been in there for half an hour longer than expected and Brian was seriously worried that something had gone wrong.

Thinking back at his own heart surgery, almost four years earlier, he knew that anything could happen. He had gone in expecting them to operate on one hole and ended up having a two hour long surgery when they unexpectedly discovered another hole. He hoped that Nick wasn´t in for any complications.

His “little brother” had a habit of always doing everything the hard way, even when it came to his health. When they had been touring during flu season Nick was the one that caught the germs hardest and the longest, often with complications. Brian would be very surprised if Nick made it without any difficulties. That would not be the Frack that he knew.

With a sigh he went over to the coffee machine and poured himself another black cup of coffee. He´d already devoured several cups and if he kept this up he would be looking at an ulcer in the near future. Picking up the paper mug he sat down on the hard sofas again, waiting. His only comfort was that he was all alone in the waiting room and this meant that he could ponder his own thoughts in silence.

A female voice interrupted him, “Mr. Littrell,” she said and instantly got Brian's attention. Turning his attention to the middle aged red head he tried to judge by her facial expression if she was about to reveal any bad news. When he found no such thing he relaxed momentarily. Maybe he was just being jumpy over the whole situation and there was nothing to be concerned about.

Hospitals always gave him the creeps. Reminded him too much of the fragility of life.

“Yes?”

“Mr. Carter has come out from surgery now,” she said with a warm smile, “you can visit him, but he hasn´t come out of the anesthesia yet.”

“Ok, great. Thanks.” Brian threw his cup down into the paperbin, and stood up to follow the nurse down the corridor. “Why did it take so long? Did something happen?” he asked, trying to make small conversation.

“It went very well,” she replied, “everything went according plans.” There were no further explanations given and Brian knew that the hospital was very careful to give away information in an attempt to protective of their patient's privacy. He was more than surprised that the hospital had managed to keep a low profile since he knew that if things came out to the press there would be a total riot. Fans all over the place as well as media.

Yet there had been no one revealing anything and they were treated like every other person, which Brian was grateful for. If the nurse knew who they were, she showed no sign of it and Brian could relax more and more. Dealing with nurses asking for autographs was more than he could handle right now.

She opened a door and the moment Brian stepped into Nick's hospital room he froze. There in the hospital bed, Nick laid looking pale and fragile. He was sleeping soundly and a white bandage on his collarbone and an IV line was all that indicated that there was anything seriously wrong with him. He looked pretty comfortable. At least for the time being.

Brian hesitated a moment before pulling out the plastic chair, sitting down next to the bed. The figure in bed stirred as the nurse adjusted his IV line. Coughing slightly Brian didn´t know what to do or say. This was much too surreal and he had never seen Nick in this position before. As far as he knew Nick had never been admitted in a hospital so this was a brand new situation for them.

“Is he going to wake up soon?” he asked quietly.

“Yes, I think he is coming around. Do you have any knowledge of Mr. Carter's medical history?”

Brian shook his head, “No. I don't think he has been in surgery before.”

“Do you know how he responds to anesthetic?”

Another negative headshake, “No. I´m sorry.” Brian knew that he had to find those things out if he was going to be Nick's patient advocate.

“That's ok. Once Mr. Carter wakes up we will do some further tests.”

“Tests?” Brian asked a bit worried.

“No need for alarm,” the nurse smiled as she continued, “it's standard procedure that we do before starting the first chemo session.”

“He will begin with this today? The chemo?” Somehow Brian doubted that Nick would be fit to do something like that. And he definately believed that Nick would have to stay over night at the hospital.

“If he is feeling well enough to do so, yes.”

There was small whimpering coming from the bed and instantly the nurse was there, stroking Nick's cheek, “Shhh,” she whispered, “relax.” She felt with a gentle move on Nick's forehead and Brian could detect a slight frown.

“What?” he asked instantly, but she reassured him that everything was fine. Yet he could see that she scribbled down some writing on her pad. He couldn´t shake the gut feeling that they were checking his friend up a bit extra carefully.

Nick stirred again, looking like he was in pain. He moaned softly when the nurse checked his vitals and Brian took his hand in his own. Stroking it gently, calming his buddy down.

“Shhh, Nick,” he murmured soothingly. “ I´m here..relax,” He was talking with a low, soft voice and he couldn´t help to feel a bit worried as Nick continued to toss and turn. “What is the matter with him?” he asked when Nick moaned again.

“He is waking up and might be a bit nauseous from the anesthetic,” she explained, “That is very common.”

“Ok,” Stroking Nick's hand he started to think what was the meaning with this? With Nick laying here sick. A man in his best years. A man who was suppose to have his whole life ahead of him. He hoped deep down in his heart that this would be the last time he saw Nick looking this miserable. But something told him that this was just the beginning.

Chemotherapy was no picnic.

“Mo..mom,” Nick murmured with his eyes still closed. Brian as well as the nurse were instantly there comforting him.

“Nick, it´s me..Brian,” he said when he saw his friend starting to come trough. Nick's eyes fluttered and he was fighting to wake up.

“Br..Brian?” Nick mumbled with dry parched lips. Running his tounge over his lips he tried to moisten them and the nurse caught this. With a swift move she picked up a wet wash cloth and wiped his face with it, gently.

“Yes Frack, it´s me.” Brian smiled paley, as he stroke Nick's hand in comforting moves.

“Why aren't you at the concert?” The question sounded a bit confusing and this had Brian looking at the nurse. She shook her head slightly, “It's the anesthetic. He might be a bit disoriented.”

“Aha,” Turning to Nick he explained, “I am here with you Nick. You are at a hospital and just had surgery. Remember?”

Nick shook his head a few times, like he was clearing off some cobwebs “Oh..so then it wasn´t just a nightmare.”

There was a pain of sadness in Brian's heart when he heard the disappointment in his friend's voice. ”No Nick. It isn´t a dream.”

“Okay.” The blonde went silent for a while, as he felt the button on the port sticking out from under his collarbone. “Ouch!”

The nurse who was checking his blood pressure looked up, asking, “Are you in pain?”

There were an affirmitive nod. “Yeah..it hu..hurts.”

“Your collarbone?” The nurse continued with asking questions and Nick answered them as well as he could. The answers were very short and Brian suspected that he still wasn´t lucid enough to grip the situation. Watching his friend in pain hurt and Brian wanted it all to be better.

“I will give you something for your pain, to help you rest and relax,” the nurse said as she wrote down something on her pad. “I´ll be right back.” She opened the door and when she was about to close it she turned to Brian, “Will you be here for him?”

He nodded quietly and as soon as the nurse was out of the room a moan broke the silence. Turning his attention to his ill friend he asked, “What is it?”

“I feel sick,” the blonde mumbled, swallowing hard. His eyes were still closed, but Brian could tell by his pale pallor that he wasn´t feeling too hot.

“You want me to get a nurse?” Brian asked, as he stroked away a sweaty strand from Nick's face.

“No.” Nick gripped his hand firmly, stopping him from going anywhere. “Just stay with me..allright?”

He sounded so pitful and Brian thought back at the old times. Nick always needed someone by his side, especially when there were rough times and he wasn´t feeling one hundred percent. There had been endless days and nights when Brian had spent time at his little brothers side when he was sick or just homesick. Nick didn´t like to be alone. Especially not when he was hurting in some way.

“Sure.”

There was another moan as Nick tried to sit up in bed. He looked like he was going to faint and his pallor had taken on a deathly white shade.

“What is it?” Brian was instantly by his side and he didn´t have to wait long before Nick mumbled, “I think I´m gonna..” The words were drowned off by a gagging sound and Brian reached for the curved bowl. Just in time.

Retching sounds filled the room and Brian had to momentarily look aside, steeling himself. Puke was not his thing. Yet he stayed faithfully by his friends side, stroking his back in long smooth moves.

“That´s it..let it all out,” he whispered as he tried to soothe as best as he could. When the dry heaves abated and he was done for now Brian helped Nick to lay down again. He had been so violently sick that tears run down his cheeks and with the wash cloth Brian dried them off. He set the bowl aside, swallowing hard. Not wanting anyone to see how much this whole situation affected him in reality.

“M’ sorry,” Nick mumbled a bit embarrassed over the whole situation. “I´m sorry.” He was trying to sit up again.

Brian pushed him gently down. “Shhh s’okey. Don´t worry about that,” he whispered soothingly as he continued to stroke Nick's forehead in long gentle moves.

“Brian?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks.” Nick said with a pale smile before closing his eyes again, “thanks for being here with me.”

“It´s all my pleasure,” Brian laughed, but he could feel Nick starting to relax and soon the blonde was fitfully asleep.

With a desperate need to stretch his legs as well as looking up a special accomondations, Brian stood up. The red haired nurse came in and she scrunched her nose involuntarily at the not-so-pleasant smell that was lingering in the room.

“Nick got sick,” Brian explained motioning towards the bowl, “but now he fell asleep again.”

“I will take care of that.” The nurse walked over to her patient and after checking that everything was fine she fiddled with his IV, “I´m going to give him an injection for his pain and if he continues to feel nauseous he will be given a dose of Phenergan. Dr. Andersen will check on him before he is getting ready for his first chemo session. By the looks of it I think he will have to wait until tomorrow.”

“Ok,” Brian hid a yawn behind his hand. The action didn´t go unnoticed and the nurse made an small comment.

“You look like you need a few hours of rest, Mr. Littrell. Why don´t you go back home for a while. Once Mr. Carter gets his medication he will be asleep and I will be here by his side all the time. That way you are up and ready when he wakes up.”

“I´ll be fine,” Brian objected stubbornly, even if he was so tired that he had a hard time standing up. There had been very little sleep the previous nights and when he finally managed to get some sleep it was interrupted by nightmares and he woke up constantly. “I´ll wait here. I promised Nick that.” There was not a chance that he would leave his friends side. Now matter how tired he was.

“Really Mr. Littrell, a few hours rest would do you good. I can call you when Mr. Carter wakes up.”

Brian thought for a moment. The nurse was right. A cat nap sounded actually tempting, besides he had to go back to Nick's house to pick up some overnight stuff. By the look of it Nick wouldn´t be coming home this evening. Which was just as fine with him. Nick needed the rest and he would be better off in a hospital than at his own place. He also needed to call Leighanne to hear if she had done any travel arrangements and on top of everything his stomach was screaming from hunger.

“Okay,” Brian finally agreed. The positive things were overlapping and after checking on his friend one more time he said, “Call me as soon as there are any changes.” The nurse agreed to do so and before he left the room he gave Nick a short glance.

“I´ll be back buddy,” Brian whispered, shutting the door behind him.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 36

A loud shrill, coming from a cellphone was heard in the living room. Brian, who had fallen asleep after eating a pizza, was slouched on the couch. A bit disoriented he sat up, searching for the device that made such a high pitched noise. Picking up the phone he mumbled a slurrred, “Brian.”

In the other end on the receiver, his wife called out. “Honey is that you?”

“Mhm..” Brian was still not coherent had trouble figuring out where he was.

“You alright?” There was concern in his wife's voice and this had Brian pick up his situation.

“Yeah, guess I just fell asleep,” he murmured as he drew his hand through his hair. After clearing the worst of sleepiness from his head he continued, “Hun, did you get a ticket to come out here?”

After a brief silence Leighanne said, “That is what I am calling about. There were no availble tickets until earliest tomorrow morning so I have to wait until then.”

“Okay,” Brian had trouble hiding his disappointment. He really needed her to be with him. Needed her comfort and warm hugs. Things were starting to get to him and he didn´t know how long he could keep up with this charade. Acting strong infront of Nick, not breaking apart. Brian was very emotional and even if he didn´t want to admit it, hearing about Nick's disease was starting to take it´s toll on him. He felt as if he was getting close to a breakdown.

“Brian is it true that you´re alright?”

Being in his own thoughts he jerked, “Yeah..yeah.. I´m fine.” He was trying his best to sound cheerful, but it didn´t work and soon Leighanne was asking him the question that he had dreaded on.

“Brian, you said that Nick was in hospital.” She drew her breath, “Honey what's the matter with him?”

He didn´t know how to answer to that. Telling her that his best friend had cancer over the phone didn´t seem like the greatest idea. Especially since he knew that Leighanne was very found of the blonde. She grown to know him over the years and at some occassions Nick had stayed at their place. Being the mature woman that she was she had also became a bit of a big sister to Nick and she had given him advice when it came to girls. In the beginning when she first came into the picture Brian could sense a bit of jealousy. Nick acted very coldly, but deep down Brian knew that it was because he was afraid to loose him as a friend. Brian had meant everything to Nick and now someone else was taking up that place. Then as years went past Nick accepted Leighanne more and more.

“Is it something serious?” Leighanne was pushing it and Brian felt his eyes burn with tears. Something serious? Yes you could say that. Cancer is pretty serious ain´t it?

“I can´t talk about it right now,” he managed to choke out, “Can it wait until tomorrow?” There was a brief silence.

“ Okay then. I will be in Tampa 10:45. Will you meet me at the airport?”

“Yes..yes..I will be there.” Brian felt a bit distracted. He wanted to spill his guts to her, yet he wanted to be with her. Or more likely her to be with him, when he told her the sad news.

“Good..” Her voice was searching, like she was waiting for him to say something more, but when he gave her no further information she said, “Brian, I love you.”

“Love you too, baby,” he mumbled as he hang up the phone. With a sigh he sank back in the couch. It was dead silent in the house since Nick's pugs appeared to be asleep. A silence that was so deafening. Making him want to scream. Loud.

He must have fallen asleep because he jerked as his cell phone made another signal. Reaching for it in his almost drunken-like sleep state he mumbled, “Yes honey!”

“Honey??” There was loud laughter coming from the other end of the phone, “B’rok you better work on that telephone manner of yours.”

“Oh sorry.” You don´t call Kevin Richardson honey, that one was for sure. “What do you want?” he asked his cousin, sleepily.

“Leighanne called. She sounded upset.” Kevin's voice was quiet and instantly Brian woke up. Oh shit!! What had she told them? He regretted not telling her that he should not talk with anyone about Nick's surgery. Now it was too late.

“Really?” Brian did his best to sound casual, like it didn´t affect him.

“Yes she talked to Kristin and she mentioned something about Nick having a surgery.” There was a brief pause and Brian waited for the shit to hit the fan. ”What the hell has happened?”

“Eh..uh...nothing serious.”

“No??? I got the impression that you were witholding something important,” Kevin barked and Brian wished he would shut up. He was in no mood of being nagged at.

“She is just being a bit over sensitive,” He lied, feeling bad for saying something like this to Kevin. But he knew that Nick would be very upset if he found out that Brian was about to tell his secret to both his wife AND the guys. That he spilled his guts to Leighanne he sensed Nick would overcome, but the boys finding out was something he knew that his younger band mate wouldn´t take so easy on. He feared that if he betrayed his friend Nick would give him the cold shoulder and then he would turn to no one. And Nick needed someone by his side. That was for sure!

Kevin didn´t buy those words and he said with a sigh, “What did Nick do this time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Cut the crap.” Kevin sounded irritated, “Did he get into another fistfight at some night club?” Kevin did always suspect the worst and Brian felt his temper rise a knot.

“No!”

“Or is he into drugs?” Kevin said it with a sigh and even if the dark man rarely let into his feelings Brian knew that Kevin was very concerned over Nick and that he had been looking after him like he was his brother. Kevin often acted like a dad and the day Nick would reveal the real reason for his hospital stay he knew that Kevin would be devistated. Both from earlier experience dealing with his father death with cancer, but also from being overprotective over Nick.

“No, Kevin. He is not!” Brian tiredly rubbed his forehead. He was starting to come down with a fierce headache.

“Then why is he in the hospital?” Brian could hear Kevin trying to grip the situation and he felt bad for lying to Kevin again.

“Long story.” Thinking for awhile he continued, “Hey did you talk with the guys about recording here at Nick's place?”

“Yeah!”

“So what did they say?”

“D’ wasn´t too hot on the idea. Apparently he is working with some other project in LA and he thought that Nick could get his ass out here instead.” Kevin laughed silently.

Typical D’, Brian thought with a sigh. “AJ then?”

“Yeah man, Bone was much more into the idea. But Bri why do you want us, including Leigh to come down to Tampa? Has something happened?” It was clear that Kevin wasn´t about to drop the subject and Brian was starting to become more and more uncomfortable.

“No. But I think that Nick needs our support right now.” Brian could have bit his lip. He was talking way to much and every sentence had Kevin getting more and more suspicious.

“Why?”

“Eh...listen Kev, I'll tell you later..just work on getting the guys over here instead. To record.” The situation was starting to become unbearable and it was hard not to reveal the truth.

“Brian..” Kevin was talking with that voice of authority that he always used when he was about to chew him out. They were rarely in conflict with each other, but there had been days when Kevin and Brian had been anything then good friends. “Are you hiding something from me?”

“Eh..No..Why?” His voice was much too unsteady and he hated himself for this. Brian wan´t much of a gambler and that was good beacuse he didn´t have much of a pokerface.

“Because you sound like you just been caught with your hand in the cookie jar.”

“Kevin..listen..drop this for now. I promise you that it is nothing like you're thinking. Like I said Leighanne is a bit on the sensitive side,” He laughed, “You know women!”

“No I don´t,” Kevin interrupted him, not sounding too amused.

“Uh man, anyway like I said..please drop it for now. Trust me on this!” Brian was working to make his voice sound steady.

Kevin was silent for a while and then he said, “Trust you? Are you sure I can do that?”

“Yes!” Brian was getting tired of the deep crap that Kevin pulled and he didn´t have time to sit there and try to convince his cousin that nothing was wrong. When he in reality was about to start crying.

“Okay, if you say so.” Kevin suddenly changed his mood and this had Brian a tiny bit suspicious, yet he shook of the feeling that his cousin would make further investigations.

“Great man, listen..” Brian said, “I´ve gotta get going. Call me as soon as you know if the rest of the guys can come down here. Okay?”

“Sure Brian.” Kevin drew his breath, “Say hello to Nick too.”

“Shall do that. Bye.” The moment Brian hung up he felt like a crook. He hated lying to his friends. Especially his brothers!

********************************

Restlessly, Nick flipped threw the channels with his remote control. He´d woke up a few hours ago, feeling like shit but now life was slowly turning back to normal. After wretching his guts out for what seemed like an eternity he was feeling a bit hungry again.

Dr. Andersen had come in, poking and proding on him and the nurses had taken loads of tests. Even though he hated needles he had laid there, patiently while they withdrew tube after tube of blood from him. The only good thing was that in the future he didn´t have to endure such torture since one of the advantages with the infusiaport was that they withdraw the blood from him that way.

He guessed that he better get use to this procedure since he had a clue that it wasn´t the last time that he would be used like a guniea pig. The whole day had seemed like a blurr and he had spent the better part of the afternoon with his head upside down in a bowl. There was a vague memory of Brian sitting next to him, but it was all in a haze. The nurse had suggested that Nick should call Brian since his friend had wanted this but Nick had declined.

There were much more nicer things than having his best friend watching him spill his guts over and over again and Nick wanted to spare Brian such details. Besides he had looked so tired during the past days so Nick wanted him to get a good days sleep. But the main reason for not calling his brother was that he felt so embarrassed.

He didn´t want Brian to see him this weak.

"Are you comfortable Mr. Carter?" the male orderly asked as he came in with a bowl of jello.

Nick eyed the bile green substance with disgust. "What is THAT?"

"Jello, son."

"Yuck,” scrunching up his nose he turned his head away. It was really unappetizing. “I wanna have a hamburger," he whined since his stomach growled from hunger and jello was not what he had in mind.

“I know, son,” the orderly said with compassion, “But your stomach can't cope with that right now.” He set the tray down in front of him. “ Now try to eat some. It will do you good. And it ain´t as bad as it looks.”

“Right,” Nick muttered as he dug his spoon into the loose substance, gagging in the process. “ Sorry,” he mumbled as he set the spoon down again, “Sorry I can´t do it.”

The orderly who had instantly picked up the situation set the bowl aside. There were hints of concern in the black man's face as he rubbed Nick's back, comforting him while he dry heaved over the basin. Once the worst of the heaving had stopped the orderly gently guided Nick's head back on the pillow. “That's okay,” he mumbled soothingly. "Now try and get some sleep and you will feel better in the morning." The orderly walked over to the window, shutting the blinds.

"I hope so," Nick muttered as he pulled his blanket up to his chin. The hunger that he had experienced had vanished and nausea surged through his body again. Dr. Andersen had told him that the nausea would come and go, especially when he was started on the chemo. The more he thought about the upcoming session the more nervous he felt. Chemo frightened him. Being sick even more!

It was still early in the evening, yet it felt good to get some rest and Nick had started to doze off when the door opened and Brian stuck in his head. Happiness filled his heart and he smiled, "Frick!"

"Hey Frack," Brian greeted him as he walked over to Nicks bed. "How are you doin'?"

"So so," Nick wavered with his hand back and forth. There was no need in lying since Brian had already caught the situation and he was much too pale to say that he was feeling fine and dandy. Judging by his friends appearance he wasn´t the only one in a need of rest. Brian had deep wrinkles on his forehead and the dark bags under his eyes screamed out that he hadn´t gotten many hours of sleep."

"You look like you feel a bit better," he lied as he gave Nick a quick hug.

"Well you don´t," Nick grinned, "you look like shit man."

Brian rubbed his eyes tiredly, "I got a quick cat nap and I´m guessing that it wasn´t enough."

"Can see that, you better take care of yourself," Nick scolded and Brian couldn´t help smiling. His "little brother" was as always being concerned about anyone else but himself.

The orderly cut into the conversation, "Mr. Carter needs to get some rest."

"I know, I won´t stay for long. Just wanted to see how my main man was doing and I brought with me some stuff for you," Brian dropped the sportsbag he had been carrying on the floor and then sat down next to Nick on the bed.

"Okay cool."

"Very well," the orderly continued as he picked up the basin, "I'll leave you two alone for now. Call the button on the nightstand if you want anything, okay?"

"Sure," Nick mumbled, suddenly feeling sullen again. He hated being at a hospital and even if he was so tired that he could sleep for days he still felt all jittery and nervous.

"Try and get some rest too," the orderly reminded him as he closed the door. Finally they were alone.

After a long silence, Brian said, "I fed the pugs. They miss their master." He patted playfully on Nick's leg, but Nick made no attempt to make any further conversation. He was fidgeting at the port on the side of the collarbone.

"Don´t," Brian said referring to Nicks action. "You´ll get an infection."

"So?" Nick was challenging him, being very moody.

"Just don´t, alright."

"Whatvever you say," Nick muttered silently. There was a brief pause before Brian said, "Kevin called."

"Okay." No further interest was shown and this had Brian continuing, "and Leighanne."

The words hit Nick like a ton of bricks and he looked sternly in Brians face as he said, "You said anything?"

Brian shied away, unexpectidly. "No." He was not seeking any eye contact.

Noticing this the blonde continued, "Yes you did." He sounded tired. "You, Brian Littrell, are one of the worst liars I know. You have absolutely NO pokerface!"

Brian was about to object when Nick mumbled, "But that´s okay!"

"What? What is okay?"

"That you told Leighanne."

"I did not..,I did not tell Leiganne," He was defending himself since he knew that Nick's trust in him depended on that.

"Chill man. I said that it was okay." There was a hint of jealousy as well as defeat as he continued, "I know that you can´t keep anything from her."

"Nick listen. I did NOT say anything!" Brian was now trying to lock Nick's eyes, but now it was his turn to turn away.

"It doesn´t matter..." Nick choked as his eyes were threatning to spill over. "It doesn´t matter anymore. It´s just my life, dammit!"

The words hit Brian like a arrow and he embraced his friend, who now cried openly, and with a warm hug, Brian mumbled over and over again, "Frack buddy, Frack we will make it. Trust me."

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 37

Brian paced nervously in the waiting area, anxious for Leighanne to meet up with him, anxious to get back to the hospital to Nick. When he left his best friend this morning, his spirits were still down and Brian had tried his best to put confidence into Nick’s attitude - which was a hard thing to do when his own attitude wasn’t the best either.

With all that had gone on with airports in the past year, it made slipping into an airport unnoticed harder than ever, and Brian’s eyes were darting around the room, praying that no one would recognize him and start questioning why he was in Tampa.

His heart leapt when a cluster of passengers entered the lobby and he caught a glimpse of Leighanne. He felt like he hadn’t seen her in a lifetime even though it had only been a week. His eyes took in her image like a parched thoat would take in iced tea on a hot summer day.

“Hey babe,” Brian cooed as he embraced her and kissed her gently.

Leighanne noticed immediately how the embrace seemed to linger, she could literally feel the tension in Brian’s body. She pulled back and looked at her husband’s blue eyes. She could tell how tired he was and that he hadn’t been getting much sleep. They always said ‘your eyes are the windows to your soul’ and Brian’s eyes never hid anything.

“Awe, sweetheart, you look so tired,” Leighanne murmered as Brian took the handle to her carryon bag that was on wheels.

Brian shrugged his shoulders, trying to downplay it. “My body’s still messed up on the time changes.” He glanced over at his wife as they walked towards the exit, noticing that her belly was poking out a little more than the last time he saw her. Leighanne noticed his stare and blushed as she placed a protective hand onto her slightly rounded stomach.

“You kinda popped out a little,” Brian grinned.

Leighanne smiled. “Well, I’m a little over four months so I guess it’s bound to happen eventually.”

Although they were both estatic about the baby, Brian and Leighanne wanted to keep things hushed as far as the media was concerned. Nick still was the only one that knew about the baby in their inner circle, she hadn’t even told Kevin’s wife but Lee could tell the woman was starting to get a little suspicious the other day when she had stopped over to her house.

“It looks nice on you,” Brian assured.

“I’m just afriad when I get farther along I’m going to be all baby. If I recall, your mother said you were a pretty big baby,” Leighanne sighed as she opened the car door.

Brian chuckled. “My mom exaggerates too much. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, just a little tired,” she sighed, smoothing her pink cotton shirt over her slightly rounded stomach.

After a few moments of akward silence, Leighanne shifted in her seat, turning towards her husband. “Brian, what’s going on with Nick?”

Brian momentarialy took his foot of the accelerator, the car slowed up. Gripping the steering wheel tighter, he adjusted the speed on cruise control and continued down the highway. “Um, we need to talk, but I can’t when I’m driving. We’ll stop at Nick’s so you can freshen up and we’ll sit down and talk then,” he stated, his voice cracking.

Leighanne raised an eyebrow as she looked at Brian. She could see the tears forming in his eyes. She reached out and placed a hand on his thigh. Brian reciprocated and laid his hand ontop of hers.

******

Leighanne sat down on the leather couch waiting for her husband to join her. He seemed to have made himself preoccupied with Nick’s dogs and then the kitchen - which was immaculate - and little other things.

“Brian, come on, sit down and talk to me,” she begged.

“I’ve just got to straighten up a few more things---”

“Honey please,” Leighanne interrupted. She saw his back stiffen and then his shoulders sagged.

Brian walked over towards the couch like a man walking to the electric chair on death row. This was the one thing he didn’t want to talk about. Nick pretty much had given his blessings for Brian to confide in his wife, but he felt that with him telling Leighanne about the cancer, it would solidify the situation, making it a reality instead of a horrible nightmare.

Sitting on the edge of the coffee table, Brian sat directly in front of her. He leaned his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands in front of him. Before he started to speak, the tears started flowing down his cheeks.

Seeing her husband crying upset Leighanne and the tears started welling up in her eyes. Brian had always been a good listener to everyone and now it was her turn to be a good listener for him. She waited patiently for him to compose himself, she feared that something was really bad and she knew that this was going to be hard for him to speak about whatever was happening. After a few minutes of Brian slowly shaking his head back and forth and wiping the tears off his cheeks, Leighanne softly patted the seat next to her.

Brian accepted the offer and quickly took the seat next to her. As he leaned forward, she rubbed his back in small circles, waiting for him to muster up the courage to talk to her. She was getting scared but she dared not talk for fear he would lose the courage to talk to her about what was going on. Finally, Brian drew out a long sigh.

“Nick has cancer.”

Leighanne’s eyes widened in shock, her mouth fell open. She had been getting suspicious about what was going on but she denied that it would be something this bad. She had been expecting Brian to tell her that Nick had developed an ulcer from drinking - never cancer! Still feeling slightly hopeful that it was something small and was removed, she swallowed before asking, “How bad?”

Brian couldn’t speak again and for a few moments, fresh tears splashed off his cheeks onto the floor as he held his head in his hands. He managed to mumble, “It’s bad.”

“But the surgery... that took care of it, right?” Leighanne tried to grasp the situation and asked with hope in her shaking voice.

Brian sighed again. “No, it was for the chemo, they had to place a thing in his body for the infusions.” As he spoke, he subconsciously placed his hand where Nick’s port was placed.

“What kind of cancer is it?” Leighanne pressed, still numb from hearing what had been happening.

“It’s Hodgskins,” Brian replied in a hushed whisper.

“Oh my god,” she gasped. “He’s going to be okay with the chemo, right? It’s going to get it out of him, right?”

Brian could only shrug his shoulders and shake his head “no.”

“Oh god, Brian.” Pulling her husband into an embrace Leighanne cried along with him.

Swollen Issues II-Chapter 38

”Will it hurt?” Nick asked as the nurse drew an injection to put into the IV that was running through the infusiaport.

“No,” the nurse shook her head, “there will be a warm sensation as I give you this injection but you´ll get used to it.” She gave Nick a wide smile.

“Okay,” He sighed deeply. He felt scared and it hadn´t helped that he had eyed through those pamplets during the night when he had been much too restless to fall asleep.

The nurse sensing his fears, patted him on his shoulder. ”This will go just fine.”

She reassured him that he would survive. Nick, however, had his own doubts. According to the pamplet he would suffer from all sorts of nasty side effects and this was not something that he wanted to through. It was enough that the cancer caused him to feel ill. Would the treatment do the same to him?

“How long will it take?” he asked as she was preparing him for his first session.

“It varies. Usually around three to four hours. It depends on what cocktail you´re receiving.

Cocktail, Nick thought gloomily. When he would be able to joy such a drink again he didn´t know. Not that he longed after getting drunk. There were so many nicer issues in life to take into consideration. The cocktail that the nurse was referring to was all sorts of chemotherapy medication. Dr. Andersen had explained carefully about the purpose of this and how the different meds had effect towards each other. It was a whole science getting into this situation.

“Well Nick are you ready?” she asked as she injected him with the first shot into the IV bag. Nick lay back in the chair as he felt the warm, tingling sensation in his body. It was just temporary and when the nurse was done she said, “Would you like to listen to some music? Read something?

“Yeah do you have Linkin Park?” Nick asked with a slight grin. To his surprise the nurse nodded and after searching in a drawer she put the cd in the system, handing him a pair of headphones. Nick closed his eyes as the welcoming tunes of the rock group filled his ears. Music had always served as a relaxation, taking away disturbing thoughts.

As the chemo medication dripped into the infusiaport through the IV line Nick felt more and more restless. He had only been sitting here for less than half an hour and he was already tired of it. Thinking about that he would have to do this for weeks had him shivering. The nurse who was in the room instantly picked up this.

“Are you cold?” she asked as she walked over to him, and felt his cheek.

“No,” Nick said silently, “I'm just sick and tired of sitting here.”

“Oh, I see.” A brief pause, “You want something to read?”

“Nah, I´m fine.” And bored, Nick thought with a sigh. He could swear that there was a hint of sadness in the nurse's eyes as she gave him a short glance.

“You want something to drink?”

Nick shook his head, “I'm cool.”

“Very well then, I will go and do some things and than I will be back. Call me if you need anything.”

“Sure.” Nick wasn´t very talkative. The feelings were so mixed that he couldn´t understand them at all. Bending over he picked up his sportsbag and started searching in it. As he withdrew his hand he pulled up the an envelope. It was THE envelope that he had avoided the longest. Now it was time to deal with it.

Shuddering he pulled out the Patient Advocate papers and read through it. In the form it said that he should assign someone to be close to him and he thought about his parents. But then he knew that it would never work out. He had not told them anything mainly beacuse he didn´t know what to say. The past several years had been a bit rough on their relationship and when Nick had moved back to Florida it had been frosty, very frosty for almost a year. Jane had never liked Manda either and during their relationship there had been many fights. There was not a chance that he would tell his parents about the cancer. Not now anyway. After talking to Brian he had decided to wait until he saw how the chemo would work.

This had him make his decision, Brian Littrell would be his patient advocate. As he answered the questions it was slowly dawning on him. This was reality. He had cancer and the more he thought about it the more scared he became. Scared that the chemo wouldn´t work, scared for the side effects like if he would loose his hair. Scared that he would die....

He was so engrossed in the paper and this thoughts that it didn't register when the door opened and someone came into the room.

“Hi Nick,” a female voice said and Nick almost jumped ten feet.

“Hi..Hi,” he hesitated before he saw who it was. Julie. A smile lit up his face. Julie was the girl that he had come to get to know during his bouts with the radiation treatments. They had often met in the waiting room and one occasion they had even gone down to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. It had been a brief visit since Nick was afraid that someone would recognize him. Almost magically no one had come up to them. Julie was a great listener and she was the only one that understood what he was going through. After all she had cancer too and she recognized everything.

“Am I disturbing you?”she asked as she walked inside.

“No, not at all.” Nick set down the papers on the side table and then motioned towards the small chair, “Sit down.”

“Okay,” Julie did as she was told and he eyed her up and down. She had attractive feature and the only thing that revealed the sickness was the red bandana she wore. Silently he thought about how she had looked before she lost her hair. Was she a brunette, blonde, red head or??

“What are you thinking about?” She looked at him and he blushed slightly.

“Oh nothing.”

“Aha, how are you feeling?”

Nick thought for a while, feeling in every limb, “Pretty good,” he concluded. This had him a bit surprised since he was sure that the chemo would make him feel like crap.

“Good." She was more silent than he had ever seen her and he wanted to know what was the matter with her. He didn´t have to wait long until she told him what she had on her mind.

“They have taken some tests on me today.” Nick felt his heart jump.

“Why? Are you sick?” He wanted to slap himself, mentally. How could he ask a cancer patient if she was sick??? Was he stupid?

“I don´t know,” she answered truthfully. ”I will meet my doctor next week when he will tell me the results.”

“Oh!”

“Hopefully it's nothing.”

“Yeah probably.” Nick took her hand briefly, squeezing it. His heart hurt when he saw her green eyes filled with tears. When will this ever stop? Wanting to cheer her up he said, “Do you like the ocean?”

“You're kidding me, right?”

“Huh?” Shit, Nick thought, here I find a girl that I kind of like and then she doesn´t like the same thing as me. Oh well she might have some other qualities.

“I love it! “

At first he didn´t catch what she said but as it was clearing he wanted to scream from joy. This was too good to be true! "Aww cool, then you might wanna come with me on my boat this weekend. In marathon.” Say yes he silently begged.

“That would be totally awesome!” She was smiling widely and he felt all warm in his body when he looked at her. This girl was special and he was becoming more and more attracted to her.

**************************

“Brian, are you sure that it will be ok?” Leighanne said worridely as they stepped onto the elevator. She was hugging his arm tightly and he patted comforting on her hand.

“Yes honey, it will be just fine. Trust me.” He was trying to sound cheerful but the truth was that he didn´t know how Nick would react. His friend was never predictable and the reaction that could come could be anything from being totally mad to being relieved. Living without knowing anything for sure came with the territory of knowing Nick. As a reward life was never dull around Frack.

“I hope so.” Leighanne bit her lip nervously and then smiled to the old lady standing beside them in the elevator. The woman looked at them and then she returned the smile, “Haven´t I met you somewhere?” she asked after few moments.

“Don´t think so,” Brian said as he hoped, no begged that the woman wouldn´t recognize them.

“Ye..yes,,let me see,” the woman was searching for words, “Now I know..aren´t you..those..that..singer..what is the groups name?” The woman was looking for words and Brian wished that they would be at their floor. Just right now.

“My granddaughter loves you,” she continued and Brian fidgeted nervously. “What was that bands name..I dont know..yes..it´s.”

Ok here it comes Brian thought, just waiting for the big explosion. Now it would soon be out to the world. The woman would tell her granddaughter that she had met them in an elevator at the hospital and then the girl would tell it to someone and finally it would be out on the net and then in the end the press would find out and start doing research and then it would all be out.

“It´s N´sync!”

“Ok..oh..” The relief he felt was immense. Leighanne started to giggle and he had to hit her, gently so she wouldn´t reveal their identity. Finally the car stopped and they said goodbye to the woman and left it. Brian remembered the first time he was standing infront of the glass doors, accompanied Nick to the radiation. It felt like ages yet it was less than a week ago. What a week!

“Maybe I should have waited at Nick´s house.” Leighanne was starting to have cold feet.

“No honey, you will do just fine.” Brian encouraged her.

“Well..I don´t know..wha..”

“Stop it, come on now. If Nick gets mad it is me he should be blame, not you.” He ushered his wife infront of him. The moment they set their foot inside the waiting room they saw their friend. He was talking to the girl that Brian had met a few times before and they seemed to be engrossed in some kind of conversation. Relief washed over him when he saw that Nick appeared to be feeling fine.

“Hello Dude,” he greeted and Nick turned his head towards him.

“He..” the word froze as Leighanne was spotted, “Hi Leighanne.”

“Nick,..oh.Nick,” Leighanne said with tears stuck in her throat and she hurried over and gave him a big hug.

There was no immediate response.Turning to Brian he said with a mix of defeat and hurt, “I guess you already told her." Leighanne let go of her grip like she had burned herself. Instead she sat down a bit away.

Brian looked down. “Eh..yeah..you know..I coul..”

“Don´t,” Nick cut him off, “It´s ok..really.”

The words nearly made the Kentuckian choke. Did Nick just say that it was ok?

“I´ll guess that this is too big of a thing to keep away from your wife.” The young man turned to Brian's wife, “Leigh,” he said.

“Yes?” She fidgeted in the seat. What would happen? Would Nick scold her?

“I can really use that hug now.” He smiled.

“Oh, ok.” Leighanne smiled back as she stood up and gave her husbands little brother a big and warm hug. “Nick I´m here for you. You know that? Right?” she whispered into his ear.

“Thanks.” He meant it.

Brian was totally amazed over what he was hearing. Something most have happen! Normally Nick would not be so calm over such a event. Julie had to be the girl behind it all. That was for sure.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 39

” This is life!” Nick mumbled as he stood on deck, drinking a coke looking out to the ocean. Gone was all the worries and he was enjoying life for the first time in many months. The ocean made him feel calm and tranquil and he loved the feeling of salt water and the wind in his face. The waves were comforting and he felt sleepy, yet full of energy.

Even since he was a small boy the ocean calmed him down. His parents used to take him on a boat to treat his restlessness and the boats comforting rocking made him fall asleep on the deck. Today he liked going out onto the water on top speed, the faster the better. He loved the wind in his face and it was strange that the wind that was his enemy on a plane made him feel so relaxed and good in a boat.

Another thing beside the ocean Nick loved was being with friends. It felt good that both Brian and Leighanne could be with him on his yatch. And his newly found friend Julie. Julie had been very happy when he had asked if she wanted to come with him on the boat. He liked her. She was different from all the other girls he had dated. Different in a way that she had something mature over her, but still could act as crazy as he could sometimes. In the beginning when he had gotten to know her he had thought that she was annoying. She had triggered something in his heart that he wanted to be forgotten and didn´t want to be brought up.

She was a real person and she reminded him of the one thing that he wanted to forget, Cancer. As the weeks went by and he met her ever so often at the radiation session he had talked more and more to her. She was one of the persons that he had come to long to talk to because with her he was just Nick. Not Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. The funny thing was that she had never cared about him in that way. Had never asked for an autograph or being taken on photos with him. She had never asked him any “fan questions” and instead had been interested in the real him.

She didn´t even like the Backstreet Boys and was more into rock. This suited Nick just fine.

It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining on the water, glitening. Seagulls flew over the boat and dolphins jumped in the ocean. It was one of those perfect days that you just wanna remember, etched into your memory and that you will never forget.

Even if they had to leave early to go down to Marathon where Nick had his boat, near his house he wasn´t the slightest tired. In fact he was full of positive energy. It also added up that the first chemo session had come out successful and when he expected to feel like crap he had instead felt like a million dollars.

“You need any help?” Brian asked as he came up to stand beside Nick and the steering wheel.

“From who? You Frick? Don´t think so. Unless you want us to run aground!” Nick laughed as he patted his friend on his shoulder. ”You´re a farm boy. Not a sailor.” They laughed and Brian agreed to the last sentence.

“Yeah but one thing is true. We both suck in a plane.” They laughed out loud and it felt good. Like the old days. The days before all the difficulties happened with the band, the management. Brian's surgery and him getting married had also served to bring the men further apart. But what had been the nail in the coffin was when Nick had started to party all the time. That, if anything had brought them further apart. Even if it was sad to say but the cancer had at least one good result. Frick and Frack were together again. At last.

“It´s lunch time,” Leighanne called out as she carried a basket. Julie came behind her and she yelled, “You better hurry or this will be gone..like right now.”

“Wow,” Brian said with amazement in his voice, “You met a girl that likes to eat as much as you do. You guys will have the most expensive food account there is.” He grinned widely.

“And who says that we will be buying food together?” Nick asked, with an hint of amusement.

“Me..and don´t say that I´m not right about this. I can tell that you´ve pretty lost it on her.”

“Well than you´re wrong,” Nick said, with a smile glistening in his eyes, “I like her..as a friend.”

“Yeah right, and my name is Donald Duck.” Brian laughed.

“What are you two laughing about?” Julie asked as she went over to Nick, slapping him playfully on his arm.

“Oh nothing.” Nick blushed instantly and Brian laughed even more.

“Okeeeey, well as we said before..lunch is ready now.”

“Mmmm..sure we will be down in a sec,” Nick mumbled, having trouble meeting Julie's eyes. He couldn´t help to think about what Brian had said. Was he actually starting to fall in love with this girl?

“Come on now, Casanova.” Brian grinned and then stepped down to go and sit by the table.

“What..eh..uh..ok.” Nick had jerked and when he looked up he saw Julie looking at him.

“You alright?” she asked a bit worried.

“Huh?..yes..why?”

“You sort of kept spacing out.”

Nick laughed nervously. “ Eh..that is my trademark..you know..airhead..” Suddenly he felt all tingly in his body. He was warm, yet still cold and for a moment he feared that he had a touch of a fever. Then he recognized the sign as being struck. Struck with a love bug!

Could it actually be like that??? Everything started to make sense. Why he was feeling like a young boy getting ready for his first date. During the past years he had been playing around. Having a dífferent girl every night, but no one made him feel like he did with Julie. Yes maybe Manda..in the beginning. But that was different. Different from now because he had first fallen for Manda's good looks. This time he actually got to know a girl before dating her.

“You did it again,” Julie remarked as he had spaced out one more time.

“Yeah? Ok..sorry,” Nick mumbled as he tried to get his bearings. Mentally he cursed himself for doing that. Spacing out all the time. He also cursed Brian for bringing up the “luv topic” as he felt like he couldn´t be natural around Julie anymore.

What if she didn´t like him? In a way that he liked her? Things were starting to become complicated.

**********************

“Aww come on man, get in. It´s not THAT cold,” Nick yelled as he swam around in the water.

“Nooo, there can be sharks.” Brian said reluctantly as he sat on the boat watching as Nick and Julie swim like dolphins.

"Chicken," Nick splashed water upon Brian and he shielded himself with his hands. Leighanne was making Brian company and she smiled towards her husband, “I have rarely seen Nick so happy.”

“Me either,” Brian agreed as they watched the young couple play in the water, throwing water at each other.

“Imagine that they both have cancer,” Leighanne said as she hugged her husbands arm harder.

“Mmmm..who would think that,” Brian said with sadness in his voice. His heart ached when he thought that the love that he saw wasn´t so sure if it was allowed to grow. Something could easily happend to either of them and he knew that they were both playing with death. He wrapped his arm around his wifes shoulder and then stroked her stomach. “Honey..I love you so much,” he whispered, suddenly feeling his eyes burn with tears.

“I love you too, hun.” She leaned her head on his chest, “And he loves you too.” She stroked her stomach with soft moves.

“He?” Brian sat up straight. “You know it is a he?”

“Yes,” Leighanne's eyes were laughing as she saw her husband getting excited.

“How?? How do you know that???” He asked not wanting her to drop the subject.

“Unless girls have a penis this is a little baby boy.”

“Huh?? How?? When?” The questions were dancing around in Brian's head and she laughed silently at him.

“ Before I was flying here, I wanted to make sure that everything was ok and then I did a check up and the doctor wanted to know if I wanted to do an ultrasound. I finally agreed and then it showed a small winkie and the doctor referred to the baby as a he. Then suddenly changed her mind and called our baby an it. “ She chuckled. “But I happened to catch on to this and then I pressed her, wanting to know the sex and then she finally agreed that it was a baby boy.”

“Why didn´t you tell me sooner?” Brian could not comprehend what he had heard. He was happy, but also shocked.

“I wanted it to be the right occasion to tell you so. And what can be better than this?,” she showed with her hand towards the ocean, and Nick's playful laughter and Brian couldn´t agree more.

This was the best and biggest news! Ever!! “ Baby,” he said after digesting the news, “I´m going to have a basketball player!” He raised his voice, laughing out loud. Suddenly he stood up, happiness overcoming him.

”Nick! Nick!” he called out, wanting the whole world to share his fantastic news.

“Yeah what?” Nick was swimming around, diving, trying to impress Julie.

“I´m going to be a dad!” he cried out from happiness, "I´m going to have a baby boy. My own NBA player!!"

“ Cool!” Nick swam closer to the boat. “Totally awesome.” He was genuinely happy and Julie congratulated him too.

“Yes!” Brian yelled, “I love it!!! I love life!!”

Swollen Issues-Chapter 40

Brian hesistated before opening the door to room no. 8. Nick had received chemo all morning and now he was coming to pick him up. The previous weekend on the boat had been a welcome break in their life. Now it was back to routine again. Nick was scheduled for chemo 3 times a week initially, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This was until his own body had built up tolerable levels on chemo and before they could tell if this treatment is successful or not.

When Brian had asked why Nick had only been on the radiation treatment program for about a month Dr. Andersen had responded that they were concerned over the new path the disease had taken and that it had spread so quickly. Therefore the sudden change in treatment. But she had also said that they had faith in the chemo, and if it wouldn´t be effective they still had some aces up their sleeves. When Brian pressed on, wanting to know what she was referring to Dr. Andersen refused say anything more. “Let´s not take out anything in advance and instead hope that the chemo does the trick.” Her voice sounded cheerful,but the eyes were not smiling.

Nick had been very relaxed when he had gone to the session this morning. He was sunburned and ready to take on life again. The first session he had received before the weekend had not made him sick and he had been confident that he could stomach this treatment. When Brian had dropped him off earlier in the morning Nick had actually joked and this was something that the blonde had not done in a long time. Leighanne was back in the house, preparing for a dinner they were suppose to have later on in the evening, when Nick had invited his new friend Julie.

The moment Brian stuck in his head in the door he noticed that something was not well with his friend. Nick sat hunched on his bed, trying to tie his shoes in slow motion. A pale, almost ashen color clouded his face and the healthy glow from yesterday was gone. A deep frown coated his forehead and when he looked up to see who had entered the room, Brian could see that his eyes had lost all their shine. Pain was evident. Pain and sickness.

The words got stuck in Brians throat, “Hi..hi man, you´re ready?” He walked over to the bed and Nick nodded silently.

“Hi. Yes, let´s get out of here. This place makes me queasy.” The young man stood up slowly, just to sit down again, holding a hand to his forehead.

“You dizzy?” Brian reached out his hand to steady him as he saw the blonde pale visibly.

Nick shrugged the hand off. “A headrush. Nothing to be concerned about.” He made another attempt to stand, this time successfully.

“You want me to call the nurse?” Brian reached for the button beside the bed. Getting stopped.

“No, I´m fine. Let´s go.”

“Right,” Brian didn´t believe a word that was said. “You know if you feel sick there is medication to be taken. Maybe we should call..”

The words drowned off as Nick said with annoyance in his voice, ”I said I was fine didn´t I? Stop fussing.”

Brian shook his head. His friend was much too stubborn for his own good. “Ok, if you say so.” With that Brian picked up the sportsbag and watched as Nick put on his jacket. “You don´t..” Brian was about to object that he didn´t need it since it was hot outside and he was dressed in just a T-shirt. He stopped when he saw Nick's shivering frame. The chemotherapy had been rough.

The walk out to the car was in silence. Both of the men, wearing caps and dark sunglasses hurried along, afraid that anyone would recognize them. Fortunately Nick had gotten a parking space at the employees parking lot on the back of the building and the discovery from fans was limited.

Brian watched, worriedly as Nick dragged his feet like they were cement and he was relieved when they got to the car without any incidents. His friend looked like he might fall over at any second. The minute they reached the car Nick sank down on the front seat, leaning his head against the headrest, closing his eyes. He was ghostly pale and his forehead was dotted with sweatdrops even if he was shivering violently.

“You gonna be alright?” Brian asked, as he tried to feel Nick's forehead. The blonde shrugged away like he had done so many times in the past.

“Yeah.” No more words were said.

“Ok,” Brian was pulling the clutch in when Nick's cellphone gave out a loud signal. Several rings later and no one answering Brian asked, ”You´re not gonna answer?”

Shaking his head, Nick mumbled, “ Just go.”

Frowning, Brian reached for the phone. This was not the Frack that he knew. Next to Howie his friend was practically living by the phone. Infact he had it on all the time and Nick had many “friends” that wanted to reach him. Especially his friend Mike. Lately Brian had noticed that Nick was more reluctant to answer the phone. Maybe because he didn´t want anyone to know how bad he felt.

“Nick´s phone, Brian.”

“Nick? Brian?” A female voice belonging to Nick's mother called out and instantly he wished he had skipped answering the phone.

“Yes?” Brian paused, waiting for Jane Carter to burst out wondering why Nick wasn´t the one answering and true to his toughts the loud bang came!

“Why isn´t Nick answering the phone? Where is he? He never calls back!” Jane sounded upset and Brian couldn´t help but feel bad for her. Momentarily he thought about giving the cell to Nick so that he could clear it all up, but stopped when he saw how bad Nick felt. He was practically green in his face and judging by his looks, he was feeling pretty nauseous.

“Nick is..he is..” Brian didn´t know what to say and Jane cut him off before he had finished his sentence.

“He better not be doing anything bad...I swear that the boy is always in some kind of trouble,” Jane sneered.

This had Brian upset. He wanted to shout to her that she treated her son bad,always suspecting the worst. Then he stopped himself. She wouldn´t act like that if she knew the truth. Instead he felt sorry for her. It would be such a shock when Nick told his parents, his family about the cancer. IF he ever told them.

“No, Nick is in a store right now and he can't talk. Can I take a message?”

“Oh..” the voice softened. “Well tell him that he has a family and that we expect him to call us every once in a while.” A brief pause, “Aaron misses his brother.”

“Ok, I will tell him that.” Brian tried to sound cheerful.

“Good.” Then they said goodbye and hung up.

Turning to his friend Brian said, “That was your mother. She wants you to..”

“Ok, ok,” Nick interupted with a sigh, waving with his hand. “Can we just get going? I feel like I´m gonna puke any minute now.” There was pain in the voice and Brian felt bad.

“Sure.” With that he started the car and they drove off. They didn´t go far before they were in for the first incident.

“Sto..stop the car.” Nick mumbled weakly as he tried desperately to get off the seatbelt. Bile was burning down his throat and he didn´t know how long he could fight off the nausea. It was reaching crisis point.

“Not here, I can´t” Brian said as they were going down a busy street, crowded with people. Turning his head he saw how Nick had his hand on the door handle, as he was covering his mouth with the other. The blonde couldn´t afford to take a no for an answer and he gagged violently.

“Sto..stop..”

Sensing the urgency Brian put on his breaks and he didn´t even have time to stop the car before the door was opened and Nick leaned over, vomiting projectile style all over the pavement. People were walking by and they jumped aside as Nick was turning his stomach inside out.

“A drunk, in the middle of the day. How disgusting,” One woman with a dog commented as Nick nearly hosed her down. She stepped aside and said something rudely.

Brian felt like he wanted to sink through the earth. Yet there was nothing he could do about the situation, just hope that no one recognized them. As he the last thought crossed his mind a teenage girl cried out to her friends.

“It´s Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys.”

“And Brian Littrell.”

Oh no, not this too, Brian shouted inwardely. NO!!!!!!

He wanted this whole situation to be over with, but judging from his friend Nick was in no state to do anything about it as he was still vomiting violently. Frowning from disgust Brian had to turn his head away from the mess. How much could someone actually throw up?

“Ewwww..look Nick is puking.” Someone screamed.

“How disgusting.”

“Probably sick from too much partying.”

“I heard that he is doing drugs too.”

“Yes, a friend of mine said that he does coke."

"Looks like he had too much booze. Party life is paying off."

Brian felt mad and he wanted to yell at them that they were unfair,yet he kept his mouth shut. Not wanting to draw any more attention to them.

The girls continued to talk about them and pointing and one girl even had to nerve to step up to Brian to ask for an autograph. He just turned his head away from her. There were no limits about how rude some people could be.

More and more people were gathering to see what was causing such riot and when one girl pulled up a camera he thought that this was IT.

If he stayed any longer the press would soon find out about Nick's predictement and that was not something that the world OR Nick was ready for. With a swift move he pulled his friend up with one hand, as he desperately searched for something for Nick to be sick in. Emptying the sportsbag, he handed it to him. Nick appeared groggy, but still caught on with the situation as he sat up straighter.

“Sorry buddy, but we gotta go.” When he was assured that Nick was safely in the car and the door was closed he put in the clutch and drove away with a schreek. It was at the right time as more and more people had come to the place.

“Sorry Frack. We have to get out of here.” All he got for response was a nod.

Less than ten minutes later the situation repeated itself, but then they were out of sight for people and Nick could be sick in peace. This time Brian acted like he had done so many times in the past, he was comfort rubbing Nick's back, whispering that everything should be just fine. Tears were running down Nick's cheeks as he desperately clutched his stomach, murmuring weakly that he hurt and that he wanted it all to be over and done with.

"I can´t take it anymore," Nick sobbed as the third bout in a timespan of five minutes came over him. "Let me die!" he mumbled as he heaved violently once again.

"No Frack, No. I will never let you do that. Never." Brian mumbled as his own tears rolled down his cheeks. Yet he had to be strong. Strong for Nick!

Swollen Issues - Chapter 41

Brian helped a weak Nick into the house. “You wanna get into bed?”

Nick was only able to manage a slight nod but then stopped walking when he remembered the stairs he would have to climb. “Couch,” he mumbled. He could smell the food that Leighanne was preparing for the dinner they had planned for tonight. Nick doubted that he would be eating anything, even the smell was making him feel more nauseated.

“Here you go, are you cold?” Brian asked as he helped his friend ease back onto the couch.

Nick laid down slowly onto his side, drawing his legs up to his stomach.

“I’m guessing that’s a yes?” Brian offered. He bent down and took Nick’s hat off. “Where do you keep spare blankets?”

“Hall closet,” came the hushed reply.

Nick could feel his stomach churning again, his mouth salivating once more. He didn’t want to get sick again. There wouldn’t be anything to throw up anymore and his stomach was so tender from wretching that even the mere thought of another bout of vomiting made him feel worse.

Coming back with the navy blue plaid blanket over his arm and a pillow from Nick’s bedroom, Brian could see that Nick was battling another wave of nausea. “Bud, let’s get your jacket off,” he urged as he tossed the blanket and pillow ontop of the coffee table.

Slowly, Nick sat up again and more or less allowed Brian to pull the jacket off his arms. As he laid back down, he quietly gagged as few times. Brian lovingly covered Nick up with the blanket. He set the designated ‘sick bowl’ next to the couch on the floor.

“Want the television on?”

“No.” His reply was barely audible.

A couple of the dogs came bounding in, running towards their master laying on the couch. Brian couldn’t help but smile at the yapping animals, thinking this would cheer Nick up but was quickly shocked at his friend’s response to the dogs as they tried to lick his face.

“Get them out of here,” he moaned.

Giving out a short whistle, the pups scampered towards Brian and followed him out towards the french doors leading to the fenched in back yard. “Out ya go, fellas,” Brian ordered.

Brian walked into the kitchen, finding Leighanne pulling out a batch of chocolate chip cookies from the oven. He snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her growing stomach and kissed her on the side of the neck.

Leighanne jumped. “God, I didn’t hear you, you scared the crap outta me!”

“Just got back about ten minutes ago,” Brian replied as he reached for a cookie from the pan.

Leighanne swatted his hand. “Hey, those are hot, you’ll get burned,” she scolded. Brian ignored her orders, picking up a hot cookie and then quickly dropped it ontop of the marble countertop. “Where’s Nick?”

“Laying down on the couch,” Brian replied over his shoulder as he pulled the jug of milk out of the fridge.

“Is he okay?” She searched her husband’s face for clues, all she could detect was worry.

“He’s sick again,” he sadly replied, pouring milk into a tall green glass.

Leighanne set the spatula down and wiped her hands off with a towel, as she started to head towards the livingroom.

“I don’t think he wants anyone around him right now,” Brian remarked.

She stopped and turned to face her husband. “Does his doctor know that he’s this sick? I mean, he was fine the other day, you know, like he was the same old Nick, laughing and joking around, and now you’re saying he’s sick again?”

Brian shook his head. “No, you know Nicky, he said he’d be fine.”

“Bri, you need to call his doctor and tell her,” she urged.

“He’ll get pissed at me.”

“So? Like that would be a first for you two?” She grabbed the phone and handed it to him. “You’re his Patient Advocate, so start advocating. I know for a fact that there’s medicines that people on chemotherapy can take to stop the nausea, if he keeps on getting sick he’s going to get dehydrated. Call her please,” Leighanne begged.

Shrugging his shoulders, Brian reached into his back pocket and produced his wallet. He thumbed through the cards that he carried and pulled out the gray card that had the number to Nick’s oncologist on it. After punching the numbers in, he was connected to the secretary at the doctor’s office. Brian described what was going on with Nick and he soon was connected with the doctor’s nursing assistant. She told Brian that he would need to bring Nick back in for an IV for the nausea.

“Well?” Leighanne asked anxiously when Brian hung up the phone.

“He’s not going to like this,” he replied.

“What? What did they say to you?” she pressed.

“He’s going to have to go back to the hospital for an IV for some anti-nausea meds, the nurse said it would be the best for him to go that route.”

Slowly, Brian walked back into the livingroom, Leighanne following behind him. He was hoping to find Nick asleep, but to his disappointment, he found his friend sitting up, face hovering over a bowl that had been placed by him in case he felt sick to his stomach again. “Shit,” Brian mumbled under his breath. Leighanne rushed over to Nick and sat beside him on the couch, rubbing his back as he continued to dry heave, nothing to come up, causing him to practically suffocate with each bout of heaving.

“Nick, I just talked to your doctors office, I need to take you back to the hospital,” Brian stated in a grim voice.

Nick’s head shot up, his glassy red rimmed eyes met Brian’s clear blue eyes. “What the fuck for?” he gasped.

Brian’s cheeks reddened at the choice of Nick’s words in front of Leighanne.

“Honey, they can give you something to make you stop getting sick but they have to give it to you at the hospital,” Leighanne replied.

Although Nick didn’t want to go back to the hospital, he wanted to get over the nausea and the stomach aches. He reluctantly agreed to go.

“Can you call Julie for me and cancel the dinner for tonight? Her number is next to the phone,” Nick asked quietly as he walked slowly towards the front door.

“Sure hun, just get better and don’t worry,” Leigh called out.

************

Sitting opposite of Nick in a private room, Brian gazed at his best friend’s pale face as he slept. He still had a hard time signing the papers for permission for the IV that Nick was being given, but both the doctor and the nurse pointed out that Nick had granted Brian control over his situation once he signed the patient advocate forms. Brian was now more or less Nick’s legal guardian.

Brian knew that Nick would have flatly refused the mediation that was being given to him when he got wind of the side effects. Nick was scared to death of steriods and the cancer had already taken a toll on his body from the swelling of the lymph glands fueling rumors ranging from drug abuse to bullemia.

The drug the doctor prescribed for the nausea was called Decadron and one of the side effects were fluid retention and an increased appetite. She explained that most of the steriods that are prescribed had those side effects and that there wasn’t any other way around them. Dr. Andersen decided that it would be best to give Nick decadron from now on while he was on chemo.

Nick stirred when the nurse came into the treatment room and punched buttons on the IV pump.

“How are you feeling?” she questioned as she turned the pump off.

Nick thought for a moment as he mentally checked his body and his stomach. “God, I actually feel pretty good.” He was surprised that the nausea was gone. “Brian, you ready to go?”

He smiled. “Sure, are you ready?”

Nick literally bounced out of the chair. “Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here!” he chirped.

The nurse handed a clipboard and a pen to Brian. “I need you to sign the discharge papers for me.”

Nick cocked his head to one side. “Why is he signing them? I can do that.”

The woman shook her head. “He’s taking care of you now, so he can sign it.”

Nick’s mouth dropped sightly for a second and then he grinned at Brian. “Okay, that’s cool. I get sick of signing my name anyways.”

Brian hastily signed Nick out and adjusted the ballcap on his head. “Let’s go then.”

Nick held out his hand as they walked down the hall. “I’m drivin’ give me the keys.”

“Wow, those meds really worked, didn’t they?”

Nick patted his friend on the back. “Yeah, that’s the best idea you’ve had in a long time. We're gonna stop at Taco Bell on the way back, I'm starving!”

Brian forced a small laugh. He felt like he betrayed Nick somehow by not telling him about the med he had been given. “Yeah, okay.”

Swollen Issues - Chapter 42 Leighanne watched appreciatively as Nick scooped up the last of the spaghetti on his plate.

“God, that was delicious,” he exclaimed.

“It’s good to see you eating for a change,” she observed.

Nick chuckled. “Now that’s something I figured I’d never hear coming out of anyone’s mouth.” He burped loudly and then quickly excused himself. “Sorry. Hey, what’s for dessert?”

“Slow it down some there kiddo, you stomach was pretty upset earlier, you don’t want to overdo it,” Brian lectured.

Nick looked at him sheepishly. “Yeah, I better back off, maybe later I guess we can have that. Ya know, Julie was supposed to have her visit with her oncologist today and find out her test results.”

“Oh?” Leighanne replied as she took a plate off the table. Brian jumped up to help his wife.

“Yeah, she said there were some things that the doctor saw and wanted to check out but she didn’t really go into detail about it. I wonder what’s going on with her,” Nick wondered outloud as he played with the fork on the table.

“Why don’t you call her and find out?” Brian suggested.

Nick shook his head. “No, I’d feel bad if it’s something not good news and I don’t want to make her upset. Hey, Frick, ready to get your ass beat on PS2?”

Brian grinned. This was the old Nick he grew to know and love. “Yeah, after I get done with dishes, you’re on!”

“Brian, you can go ahead and play with Nick, there really isn’t that much to do in the kitchen, the pan has to soak anyway, so go!”

Brian followed Nick into the den. His love of video games was evident judging by the large library of games that overflowed the shelves. Nick had a room that was dedicated to strictly video games and he hated being parted from it when they were touring.

Grabbing a controller and situating himself in the large black leather recliner, he gestured towards the shelves with a nod. “Your choice dude.”

Brian looked over the games not sure of which one to play on the wide screen television. “Oh, I dunno, how about some basketball?”

“Sounds fine by me,” Nick agreed.

Pulling the game out and placing it into the playstation system, Brian grinned back at Nick. “You can never go wrong with basketball and I’m taking the Pistons!”

“Ha, like that’s gonna help you any!” Nick laughed dryly. “I’ll take the Lakers. Be prepared to go down.”

Leighanne shook her head as she entered the den. “You two are simply amazing!” She settled down on the armrest of Brian’s chair and he accidently elbowed her in the side.

Brian’s eyes widened. “Ohmygod, are you okay?”

Leighanne laughed. “Yeah, I’m okay, I think I better sit on the sofa or you’ll wind up knocking me off the seat.”

“Wuss,” Nick taunted as he expertly manuvered his man down the court for a perfect layup.

“Hey, no fair, I was preoccupied!” Brian protested.

“You’re always preoccupied!” Nick and Leighanne shot back.

“Yeah..yeah..yeah,” Brian replied.

Leighanne watched with amusement as both Nick and Brian were concentrating on the game, both had their tongues slightly poking out from the corner of their mouths.

Nick’s expression left his face quickly when the phone started ringing. Both men stopped their playing the game and stared at the telephone sitting on the stand between the chairs.

“You gonna answer that?” Brian questioned.

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno.” He wondered if it was his mother calling. He didn’t feel in the mood to be confronted by her just yet.

“It could be Julie,” Leighanne pointed out.

With that suggestion made, Nick quickly tossed the controller down and snatched the phone from it’s cradle. “Hello?”

Brian and Leighanne studied Nick’s face as he answered the phone. His face went from a happy expression to a pained expression. The couple glanced at one another and then back at Nick’s face.

“Oh, hi Kevin,” Nick stated in a tense voice.

They waited nervously as they couldn’t help but listen to Nick’s side of the conversation.

“Yeah I’m......no.......no......NO.....yeah.....no it’s not what you think......NO....no way man.....Kev...Kev....no....no.....yeah.....no....I’m what?....NO.....hey, I gotta go...nice talkin to ya bye.”

Nick clicked the phone off and threw it across the room, watching the receiver shatter when it made contact with the wall.

“Okay, that was pretty intelligent,” Brian pointed out as he surveyed the plastic shards laying on the carpet.

“Well, I feel better now,” Nick replied, folding his arms defensively across his chest.

“I take it that was Kevin that called?”

“Yeah Einstein, it was Mister Know-it-all,” Nick snapped.

Brian looked hurt. “Hey now, don’t get mad at me. Can I ask what he wanted?”

Nick stared at the paused game on the television screen and sighed. “He said he heard some things so naturally he has to call me to find out if the shit was true or not.”

“What things?” Brian questioned.

“Oh, stupid stuff.”

Brian realized that this was going to be another twenty question session with Nick trying to get the info out of him about the phone call. “Okay, what kind of stupid stuff?”

“I guess some people saw me getting sick on the way home from chemo and it got on the internet and it was in chatrooms and on the message boards and people are making a big deal over it,” Nick replied angrily. “Kevin got wind of it from someone and he automatically thinks I’m drunk or something or worse.”

“Or worse?”

“Yeah like I’m doing drugs,” Nick spat.

“Did he listen to you denying it at all?” Leighanne asked.

Nick shook his head. “I doubt it, but I really don’t care what Kevin Richardson thinks. He’s in his own little fantasy world with Kristin and that’s all that matters to him anyway so he can take a fuckin’ leap.”

Brian shot an angry glare at Nick for his choice of words.

“Sorry Leigh, but that’s the way I feel,” Nick apologized.

“It’s okay hun, I understand,” Leighanne sympathsized.

Nick picked up the controller and turned the game back on. “Okay, Brian lemme finish whippin your ass now!”

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 43

‘I positively stink’ Nick thought with a schrunched up nose as he raised an arm, smelling under his armpits. He had a day off from the chemo and had spent the better half of the day in his bed. The sessions wore him out completely and the days when he was off he was deadtired. With a sigh he walked into the bathroom, shredding his clothes. Stepping into the shower he turned on the tap.

Hot water rinsed over him and it felt so good. All his worried thoughts were slowly rinsing away and a warm and comforting feeling was replaced. For the first time he felt like a human and today he wasn´t feeling nauseous either. It was progress and Nick was becoming more and more certain that the cancer was on it´s retreat. Life was treating him fairly good right now and if he kept this up he would soon be well enough to go back to the studio. That is if he had the energy to do something else beside sleep.

His thoughts were shattered as he heard the phone ringing out in the hallway. ‘Why isn´t Brian answering?’ he thought a bit annoyed as the signals were coming through. Then he remembered, Brian and Leighanne had gone out for dinner and he was all alone in the house. Cursing the fact that someone had the nerve to call him when he was in the shower he grabbed the towel and half ran, dripping wet out of the bathroom. Once he finally managed to pick up the phone the signal stopped.

‘Shit!!’ Was there anything more annoying than someone hanging up the minute you reach the phone? Within seconds the answering machine went on and he could hear AJ´s voice on the other end.

“Hey man, where are you? Out with some girl? A small chuckle was heard. “Anyway dude the second you hear this you pick up the phone and call me. You hear?” There was a brief pause before AJ´s voice continued, “Man, we´re getting worried about you. Call me! Okay?”

Nick breathed hard as he waited for AJ to stop talking. Once the answering machine had stopped he deleted the message with a blip. He was deliberately ignoring the guys, and had been ever since he found out about the cancer. But it was getting harder and harder to ignore them and he knew that Brian was getting worried calls from his “brothers” ever so often. Yet Brian didn´t reveal their secret since his friend knew that he would never forgive him. Telling Leighanne was one thing, but turning his back against him, telling the guys was another. And this he couldn´t accept.

He was about to go back to the shower when the phone rang once again. Positive that it couldn´t be one of the brothers and hoping that it was Julie, he picked it up.

“Nick here.”

“Dude, I knew that you were there,” AJ said with a chuckle, “fooled you didn´t I?”

Crap. He was in no mood to talk to Alexander McLean.

“I knew that you wouldn´t pick up the phone so I did a scam.” He continued, pride in his voice.

“Okay,” Nick wasn´t being very talkative and he said tiredly, “now that you have me on the line, what do you want?”

“Just hearing how you´re doing man. You´ve been totally invisible for like..I dont know...since you were at Bri´s.”

“I´m fine.”

“Yeah right, if you were fine Train wouldn´t be calling me, getting all worked up. He was totally skittish after talking to you. Claiming that you were doing drugs or some shit.”

Nick stiffened a laugh, “Well you know Kev, he gets upset over nothing.”

AJ wasn´t buying the words and he continued, “Man, you´re been totally impossible to reach, what are you up with? Some chick or what?” There was concern in his friend's voice and Nick felt bad for lying one more time. “Even D’ have tried to reach you on several occassions.”

“I´ve been around. Doing a bit of this and that, you know. Working on my album and stuff.”

“Really? Then why is B´rok and Leigh there then?” AJ wasn´t letting go of the topic so easy.

How was he going to answer to that?

“Eh..he´s helping me with some stuff, you know.” Nick thought for a moment, “with the lawyer and things about the lawsuits.”

“Brian??” AJ nearly chokes from laughter, “man is that a joke or what? B doesn´t know shit about such stuff.”

Fuck, Nick pulled a hand through his wet hair. He was starting to shiver standing in his birthsuit, dressed in just a towel.

“Nick,” a serious tone was set, “man, Kevin ain´t right ain´t he?”

“What?” Nick was starting to feel annoyed. What was AJ referring too? Did he too think that he was on drugs? This couldn´t be happening.

“You know man, I know that you have tried some wierd shit in your days, but I tell you it ain´t worth it. Booze and coke makes your head goes totally weird and you get like a crack pot. Nick, listen to me. If you´re doing something let me know and I help you meet some people that can make you stop. You know we wanna help you man.”

“AJ,” he sighed heavily, “I´m NOT into anything like that. This is something totally different.”

“Okay, okay..then what is it then? You´re into some eating disorder again?”

His fellow brother was saying that again since Nick had a habit of eating too much when he was really low or felt bad. He´d been accused for having an eating disorder but that was just crap. The management said that he was putting on some weight and that he needed to slim down, stop eating so much junk. He´d tried over and over again to loose the extra pounds but it was difficult. It didn´t help that the steroids that he got for his immune system while taking the chemo was making his appetite increase too. And he who thought you lost weight when having cancer!

“Man, why do you always think the worst about me?” Nick yelled into the phone, suddenly having had enough.

AJ most have sensed that he had crossed the line he uttered, “Sorry dude. I didn´t mean those words. I didn't want to hurt you.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“I don´t know.” AJ was silent for a while, “Nick,” he said, “You´ve been acting so strange for a while now and we´re getting concerned that you´re into something. We care for you, you know.” He laughed nervously.

Nick smiled slightly. AJ could be so blunt and hard with words, yet so gentle. He´d grown to like the guy over the years and he loved him like his own brother. There was no telling how AJ would react when he found out that Nick had Hodgkins disease.

He felt suddenly a bit shaky. This was effecting him emotionally. “Well I gotta get going,”

“Wait,” the older man called out when he was about to hang up the phone.

“Huh?”

“You know anything about Brian wanting to record over at your place?”

“Eh..yes..why?”

“That is what I´m asking too..why Nick?” It was clear that Bone had no intention what so ever to stop the inquiry and he was set into finding out what was wrong with Nick's strange behavoir.

“What do you mean?” Way to go Nick, he thought, Answer a question with a question!

“Is he working with you on the album?” AJ sounded doubtful.

“A bit.” The minute he said it he was biting his lip.

“Really?” there was amusement in AJ's voice. “I didn´t know that Brian was into rock.”

“Well he´s not.” Oh no now he was really messing up. This was starting to take a toll on him. All this lying. Soon he would decide to fuck it and go out and tell the guy the real reason why he was so invisible all the time. After all, they were his brothers and they deserved to know. It was just that he didn´t know what to tell them. Brian had been a different story since he was a person that Nick could never hide anything from.

“Okeeeey,” AJ was dragging out on the syllabils, “ Then wha..” He didn´t have a chance to end the sentence before Nick cut him off.

“Listen, I´ve gotta let the pugs out into the backyard. Can we talk later?”

“Sure man,” a bit searching he continue, “Nick, nothing is wrong with you, right?”

“Uh, huh..?”

“You´re not acting like you use to do, you´re much..much more calm and down.”

“Nah just a bit tired,” Nick tried to laugh, but it ended more up like a wheeze.

“That's it!! You´re never tired, man. You´re the prankster!”

“Bone, I hate to shatter your thoughts but I´m 22.” He gave up a forced chuckle.

“Yeah, but you´re still Kaos, ya know.”

“Aha, well I really gotta go now man. Call me back later. See ya.” Things were starting to burn. Nick had to quit or he would blow his cover.

“Okay, well later then man.”

“Bone?” A sudden pang of guilt washed over him.

“Yeah?”

“Hrm..eeeh..I lo..I love you guys.” Nick talked so fast, but it felt important that the message came through.

“Uh?” AJ sounded surprised, as a respond he said, “Same to you man.”

There were a click as Nick hung up the phone, biting in his lip, trying to prevent the tears from over flowing. Right then he made an descision. He had to stop hiding and tell the guys about the cancer. There were no turning back.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 44

”Who invented these stupid things?” Nick growled as he tried to fix his tie. Not making a good knot he yanked at the fabric, desperately trying to get out of the snarl. “I hate it!!” Brian, sat on the couch watching the scenario with certain amusement. His friend was rather hot headed, especially when it came to practical things.

“You need any help?” Leighanne asked as she came out from the kitchen, wiping her hands off on her pants. She walked up to Nick with an attempt to help him out when he shrugged away.

“NO!, I can do it,dammit” Irritation was evident and this made Brian smile even larger.

“Yeah it certainly looks like it.”

Nick responded with a glare, before he went into fulfilling his task. When it didn´t work out he tore the hated clothing off his neck in anger. “Fuck, I can´t even do something as simple as this,” he yelled.

The smile faded suddenly on Brian's face as he saw Nick sinking on the couch, hands covering his face. “I´m so tired,” he whispered with a weak voice. He had chemo earlier in the day and this time it had taxed him out completely. The strange thing was that it varied each day how he would react to the treatment. Some days he felt like a million bucks, other days so shitty that he was sure that he was looking death in it´s eye. Today was such a day.

Tiredness wasn´t all he was sufferering from. A nasty mouthsore had flared up inside his mouth and made it hard for him to eat or drink anything. He was suppose to rinse it out with some medication, but so far it had done nothing from him. He´d also been getting bad ass cramps all day long and he feared that an upset stomach was starting to make life tough for him again.

Yet he had to bare it since he was going out to dinner with Julie. The two of them had more and more started to see each other and Nick was starting to think that he had actually fallen for her. How Julie felt he didn´t know since she had showed no apparent interest in him other than as a friend. It would be so typical. When he finally fell for someone they just wanted to be friends. Oh well it wasn´t blown yet and tonight Nick had set his mind into asking her if she wanted to date. For real.

“Nick,” Brian put his arm around the blonde's shoulder, “maybe you should cancel the dinner. I´m sure that Julie understands.” He felt bad for Nick, who he saw was not in the best of shape.

“No,” Nick mumbled as he rubbed his face, “I have to go.” He drew in a deep breath, trying to get some strength. “I´m fine.” A sharp cramp in his stomach attacked him, making him make a face.

"No you´re not.”

“I will be.” Nick stood up, “Gotta go, back soon.” With that, he disappeared towards the bathroom. Shutting the door behind him.

“Nick isn´t doing so good, is he?” Leighanne said slowly as they watched their friend leave the room.

Brian shook his head, “I think he is getting worse again.”

“Have you talked with his doctor about the side effects?”

“No, Nick didn´t want me to mention anything.” Brian sighed, “Leigh, this is getting harder and harder to hide from the guys. Howie called me earlier and he had heard about Nick's incident the other week with him being sick on the street. He was worried and didn´t buy it when I said that Nick had the flu, he was talking about coming down here. In fact I wouldn´t be too surprised if they stood on the door step one of these days. Their was a brief pause before Brian continued, “It´s just that I don´t know how he would react to this.”

“Honey, he can´t hide it all forever. Nick needs to realize that he has cancer and he has to deal with it.”

“I know.” Brian wiped his face, he suddenly felt all exhausted, “I think he does..it´s just that Nick has a habit of denying everything until it's too late. He wants to cope on his own and when he cant he gets upset and does stupid things. Guess it comes from him being so young on the road and we didn´t exactly help him when he was feeling homsick or something.” There was guilt in Brian's voice.

“Hun, you don´t have to blame yourself. It´s not your fault that Nick is acting like this. It´s called denial.” Leighanne patted her husbands arm, trying her best to be comforting.

“Yeah, but I haven´t been there for him when he needed me,” Brian started when he was cut off by his wife.

“Stop it! You´ve always been there for Nick and you know that. Besides, Nick is a grown man now and he doesn´t need you babysit him all the time. I´m sure that he understands that you have your own life too. Nick has to learn and cope with his cancer and that is something he has to do all by himself. You can´t be there for him 24/7.”

“No, but I wasn´t there when he was getting arrested and..”

“Brian! You are there for him now, isn´t that enough?” Leighanne was starting to get upset when she saw how her husband was acting guilty over Nick's situation. “There isn´t a thing you could have done. Nick has Hodgkins and you have to deal with it too.”

His wife was right. Even if he didn´t want to admit it he was having a hard time dealing with Nick's disease. It was tough seeing your best friend fading away, slowly, being sick all the time. Fearful thoughts that Nick wouldn´t make it flared up in him ever so often and it hurt so much. Nick was his little brother and he couldn´t bare to loose him.

*********************************

“What do you like to order?” Julie asked as they were sitting at a rather fancy resturant down in Tampa. “I want to have something really spicy." She giggled as she took a sip of her wine.

“Don´t know.” He didn´t want to tell her to truth that he had no appetite what so ever this evening. His stomach was much too upset to manage anything and his mouth sores were acting up, badly. Yet he was determined to shake this aside since he was sitting here with the most beautiful girl in the world. He looked at her with admiration. She looked totally beautiful tonight. Glowing in a way that he had never seen her look before. Her green eyes were shining and she was wearing a black short dress. On her head was a black and white scarf and in his eyes she looked like a model. He just wished that he was in a better shape and could enjoy it in another way.

“I have something to show you,” she said with a smile.

“What?”

“Take a look at this,” she tore off the scarf, revealing an almost bald head with redish short hair, “See, the hair has started to grow out again.” She said with a laugh and he couldn´t help to feel her head. It felt soft. People were looking at their direction, yet they didn´t care.

“So you´re a redhead then?” he asked with a grin. “Ouuuccchhh!” He pretended getting burned.

“Yup a true one,” she giggled then said with a playful frown, “What? You don´t like redheads?”

“Yeah, I love them.” He smiled, thinking at 'least you Julie.' “It´s just that they have a hot temper.”

“So do Backstreet Boys too.” Her giggle was affecting him and as she made an attempt to put on her scarf again, he took down her hand.

“No don´t. You look as beautiful without the scarf.” He was very sincere in his words and she blushed slightly.

“I look like a dork,” she joked.

“No you don´t.” Nick shook his head. Then he said after a while, “how does it feel?”

“Feel what?”

“I mean..to..to...loose your hair.” This was something Nick was afraid of and he knew that one of the side effects were loosing your hair, getting bald. Everyday he felt his head, like he was afraid to loose it every time he touched it.

“Oh that. Well first it kind off sucks then,” she took another mouthful of the wine, “then you kind of realize that it´s a bit comfortable and most of all cheap.”

“Cheap?”

“Yeah you don´t need as much schampoo as before and don´t need to go to the hairdresser.” She giggled again and Nick couldn´t help but to smile. Julie was totally awesome. She was the only one he could talk about the disease with, without feeling like he was infected with the plague.

Their conversation was cut off by the waitress coming to take up the order.

“What do you like to order?” she said as she picked up their menues.

“Something hot and spicy...Tandori Beef,” Julie said as she turned to Nick. “What will you get?”

His stomach churned. Food wasn´t high on his list and everything he took in his mouth made him hurt. “Do you have some soup?” he asked since that was the only thing that he could think he could manage right now.

Julie looked at him with compassion, but she said nothing. It wasn´t until the waitress had left with their orders when she uttered, “So it´s one of these days.”

Nick nodded. He felt bad, not wanting to spoil anything. “Yeah.” No further words were said about that subject. They talked about this and that and ate their food, at least Julie ate it. Nick mostly picked at the soup with his spoon.

“So what did your tests say?” he asked out of the blue and this had Julie jerking.

“Huh?”

“You know the test you did last week, what did they say?”

“Eh..oh..no..nothing.” Julie acted like she was uncomfortable, wanting to drop the issue and Nick looked at her sternly.

“Julie, are you hiding something from me?” He was sure that she had heard some bad news and that she didn´t want to reveal them to him because he would be so sad.

“I´m not hiding anything.” She looked down in her plate. “It´s just that it was standard procedure. Kind of boring to talk about."

“Really?” Nick didn´t buy what she was saying.

“Yes.” She sounded a bit irritated like he had caught her in a lie. “ By the way how are you doing?”

“It was you that we were talking about.” Nick tried to hide a yawn. “And I´m fine,” she looked him into his eyes. “You however are not and should be in bed instead of sitting here fighting to stay awake.”

Nick knew that she was right. He was tired, yet he didn´t want the subject to be dropped. The conversation suddenly became a bit frosty and Nick didn´t know what he had done wrong. He had shown her that he was concerned and couldn´t understand her reaction. Oh well he thought, Julie would tell him if she wasn´t alright. Wouldn´t she?

After dinner they decided to take a quick walk out on the city, window shopping before heading back to Nick's. As they were walking down the street Nick felt someone patting on his shoulder. Turning around he saw a woman stand there. Smiling.

“Oh my God, it´s really Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys!” The woman yelled out loud and Nick wanted to hush her down. He didn´t want any attention draw to them. Too late. The woman's two teenage daughters were flocking in front of him, wanting to get his autograph. More and more people came to him and Nick felt panic surge through his body.

“Who is this girl?”

“Are you his girlfriend?”

“Where have you been all the time Nick?”

“Is it true that you´re doing drugs?”

“Are you sick?”

Questions were falling over him and Nick straightened up to leave. “Come on,” he said to Julie, “ Let´s get out of here. Now.” She nodded and did as he said and together they ran down the street, people following them.

“Is it always this wild?” she asked as they were in the clear, panting like crazy.

“Ye..yeah,” Nick was totally out of breath and he coughed violently, getting his back slapped by Julie.

“You alright?” she asked when she saw how pale Nick had become.

“Aha,” he nodded, “it´s just that I´m so totally out of condition. Better work on shaping up this old body." Deep inside he knew that working out at the gym wouldn´t do it to him.

Not this time.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 45

“How did the doctor appointment go this afternoon?” Brian asked as Nick entered the kitchen.

“Like always,” Nick mumbled as he stuck his head into the fridge, fishing around for a bottle of water.

“That doesn’t tell me much,” Brian sighed.

Slamming the refridgerator door, Nick turned around and walked over to the table. “That’s cause she didn’t tell me anything except that I have to do more freakin’ tests.”

Brian’s eyes widened. “More tests? Is something wrong?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “No, I-I don’t think so, I mean as far as I can tell she doesn’t think anythings wrong. I guess it’s just to see how my body’s responding to the chemo I think.”

“What kind of tests,” Brian pressed.

“Tons of lab shit,” came the mumbled reply. “Next month she’s gonna schedule a body cat scan and some stupid ultrasound to see if the nodes have swollen...” Nick stopped for a second and glanced down at his stomach. “Yeah, right.”

“Nick you’ve gotta stay positive.”

“I’m sick of having my blood taken from me though,” Nick sighed as he uncapped the bottle of water.

Watching his friend take a generous gulp from the bottled water, Brian made an observation. “Well, I think you’re looking better.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Brian, you’re a lousy liar.”

Brian immediately turned red from being caught in a lie. “Well, yeah that I am, but seriously, to me you look pretty good.”

Nick shook his head. “Wouldja just stop it?”

Brian grinned at his best friend then suddenly his face grew serious. “So did she have anything positive to say to you?”

“If you count the fact that I gained two pounds since my last visit, I guess that would be positive in her opinion,” Nick sighed, drawing a hand through his hair. Something suddenly didn’t feel quite right and he looked at his hand, his mouth dropped open when Nick saw the clump of blonde hair wrapped around his fingers. Tears immedately filled his eyes. This was one of the side effects of the chemo that he prayed would pass him. “Oh fuck,” he breathed. He looked over at Brian and was met with an ashen face, eyes brimming with tears.

“Nick, I’m so sorry,” Brian whispered.

Staring at the hair in his hand, Nick let the tears fall. “Ya know, this was something I was hoping wouldn’t happen,” he stated, his voice breaking.

Brian was at a loss for words. He simply softly replied, “Me too.”

Thoughts of Julie with her sparse red hair popped into Nick’s mind. This was what was going to happen to him, he kept thinking. He didn’t want this to be happening to him. How could he hide what was happening to his body from the guys, his family and friends? How could he hide this from the fans?

Brian was thinking the same thing. “Nick?” He waited for an answer and after a few moments, Brian cleared his throat and tried again. “Nick?”

“What?”

“You know you’re probably going to have to tell your folks and the guys.”

Scooting the chair back from the table, Nick stood up quickly, walking towards the wastebasket, throwing the blonde hair away. He then opened the cupboard that held all of the brown prescription bottles. Nick was already taking ten different meds, four times a day. “I wonder if this is all really worthwhile,” he mused, staring at the bottles.

“You know it is Nick,” Brian pointed out.

Shrugging his shoulders, Nick started pulling the bottles down and taking out the meds he needed. “I really hate my life right now.”

No words were spoken as Brian watched Nick take the medication.

“What time is dinner?”

Brian glanced at his watch. “Um, Leighanne said probably around 5:30.”

“I’m gonna take a nap. Wake me up if I’m not down here by dinnertime,” Nick announced.

******

Nick awoke to the sound of a telephone ringing. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, he discovered that it was a little after 5:00. Instead of feeling refreshed, he thought he felt more drained.

“That was a waste of time,” he mumbled, throwing the covers off his body. Yawning, he stood in front of the full length mirror, this time actually looking at himself. He normally would avoid his reflection but for some reason he wanted to look at himself. He shook his head after sizing his body up. “Two pounds my ass.”

Wandering down the stairs towards the kitchen, Nick could hear Brian talking on the phone and cupboard doors opening and closing. His eye caught the answering machine and saw it flashing, indicating that there was a message. Thinking that maybe Julie had tried to get ahold of him, Nick pressed play. Instead of a message playing, Nick listened to Brian answering the phone after the greeting played on the machine:

Brian: “Hello? Hello?”

Julie: “Hi, Brian? Is Nick there, this is Julie.”

Brian: “Oh, hi! He’s laying down. Can I give him a message?”

Julie: “No, I’ll talk to him later I guess. How’s he doing?”

Brian: (sighs) “Um, he’s tired I guess....he’s supposed to be having blood tests, I’m hoping nothing’s wrong.”

Julie: (laughs nervously) “Well, that’s all part of chemo and cancer, endless tests.”

Brian: “So how long before you finally got the news about your remission?”

Nick’s eyes widened. Remission? Julie’s in remission? His mouth dropped open when the next realization hit him. Brian knows!

Julie: (giggles) “I don’t remember to be honest with you. But hey I showed Nick that my hair was growing back and he told me to leave the scarf off. He was so sweet about that.”

Nick narrowed his eyes.

Brian: “I bet Nick will be happy to hear about the remission when things wind down for him.”

Julie: “I hope so, I just don’t want to show off about feeling so good when I can tell he’s getting so sick. Um, I better let you go. I’ll call Nick later. Bye Brian.”

Brian: “Bye Julie, take care.”

Nick could feel his face heat up and his heart beating faster. As he pressed his index finger onto the red delete button on the answering machine he debated about confronting Brian about Julie’s remission and why he hadn’t been told. He quickly decided to wait and see when anyone would tell him about this. He felt betrayed by Brian and by Julie. Why didn’t anyone want to tell him about the remission?

Being filled with so much anger at the moment, Nick bounded up the stairs as fast as he could, closing the bedroom door softly.

Stripping down in front of the huge mirror in his bathroom, Nick glared at the port that was visible under his collarbone. “Who the fuck are you kidding?” he sneered.

Turing on the shower as hot as he dared, Nick allowed the water to flow over his body. It felt good and relaxing. After lathering up and rinsing, Nick stepped out of the shower and grabbed a thick, green towel. Ignoring the scent of dinner, he grabbed some of his favorite “club wear” and got dressed quickly.

When the time came to brush his hair, Nick gingerly combed through the blonde mop ontop of his head. His efforts were successful and he ditched the comb into a drawer and shut the lights off in the bathroom.

He met Brian on the stairs.

“Hey bud, I was just coming up to tell you dinner’s ready,” Brian smiled.

“Go ahead without me,” Nick called out over his shoulder as he passed Brian on the stairs.

“Where are you going?”

“Out,” Nick grunted.

Concern washed over Brian as he followed Nick. “Out? Where to? Something wrong?”

Shoving a ballcap on and grabbing his wallet and car keys Nick mumbled, “I just hafta go out, okay?” Quickly closing the door that led out to the garage, Nick didn’t bother looking back and opened the door to the Mercedes and climbed in.

******

“Hun, come on up to bed, it’s getting late,” Leighanne begged.

Brian shook his head as he sat in the chair that gave a view of all the possible entries into the livingroom. He wanted to make sure he saw Nick when he came home.

“But we were going to watch that movie in bed,” Lee remarked in a hurt tone. “I’m sure Nick is just fine, you know Nick.”

“That’s why I’m not going to bed,” Brian replied.

Leighanne opened her mouth to say something to her husband when the doorbell chimed. She locked eyes with Brian and quickly tightened the sash on her white robe as Brian walked towards the door.

“Kevin.... AJ... Howie?”

Leighanne paused for a moment on the stairs when she heard Brian announce the guests standing at the front door. She knew that no one had told them about Nick’s condition. This was all going to be a tremendous shock for them as well as for Nick when he came home. How would Nick react to the guys being at his house?

“Brian how the hell are ya? And where the hell is Carter?” AJ boomed as he entered the house.

“How come you guys are here?” Brian questioned as he watched each of the men file by and take seats in the livingroom.

“We’re here because of him,” AJ gestured with a nod of his head towards Kevin.

“Oh?” Brian asked innocently, casting a quick nervouse glance towards his wife as she walked into the room.

“Hey Leigh,” AJ smiled.

Kevin drew in a quick breath. “Yeah, well, you know all the bad media that Nicky’s been getting. I guess I was just a little concerned.”

“Bad media? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian remarked casually.

“Well, it’s kinda obvious when Nick is spotted puking his guts out on the street, and then there’s the rumors about his health...”

“His health!?” Brian cut AJ off, jumping on the question a little too quick for Leighanne’s sastifaction, she was afraid Brian was becoming too obvious.

“Just the usual letting himself go bullshit and too much clubbing,” AJ replied. “Nothing too devastating but you know how Kev gets his panties in a bunch.”

Kevin shot a glare at AJ’s remark and Howie snickered at the mental picture of Kevin standing with underwear stuck up his butt.

“Nick’s managing just fine,” Brian stated with a sigh. He hated all the secrecy he had been sworn to and the lies were slowly building up and the guilt on his shoulders felt like a lead weight.

“How about some coffee?” Leighanne offered, trying to get off the subject of Nick.

“Sounds good, thanks,” Howie answered.

“I take it by the looks of the carryon lugguge you brought that you hadn’t gotten a room at a hotel yet?” Brian observed.

“Damn hotel by the airport was booked solid for some freakin car show thing,” AJ rasped.

“We’ll find a place after we see Nick,” Kevin said as his eyes looked around the sparsely decorated room. “God, Nick really lives like a bachelor.”

All the men chuckled at Kevin’s remark about Nick’s lack of interior decoration except Brian. He glanced at his watch, worry in his eyes. AJ picked up on Brian’s expression immediately.

“Where is dumbass?”

“I-I d-don’t know for sure,” Brian stammered. “He just mentioned that he needed to go do something and left. I’m assuming he went to visit a friend.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow as he studied his cousin’s face. Brian looked away from his gaze, not trusting himself to keep Nick’s problems under wraps.

“Here we are, hot, black coffee,” Leighanne announced as she carried a tray into the room.

Brian gratefully jumped up and helped his wife serve, thankful that the interrogation had ended for the moment.

******

Minutes turned into hours as the time dragged out while the foursome waited for Nick to return home. Calls made to his pager went unanswered and they finally stopped when Leighanne came downstairs to tell them that Nick had left his pager in his room - she kept hearing the loud chimes go off everytime they paged him.

The sunlight filtered into the room where Howie and AJ were half sitting half laying on the couch. Only Brian and Kevin were still awake, dark circles were starting to develop under Brian’s eyes. It was a battle of wills for both of the cousins as they sat and waited for their younger brother to return home.

Brian was scared to death of what happened with Nick. This had been so unpredictable. Usually when Nick would leave like this there was a solid reason that anyone would know but there was nothing that Brian could tell that had been out of the ordinary. Nick was due for another round of chemo this morning, how was he going to get out of the house without the guys questioning him on it? As he thought, Brian shifted nervously in the leather recliner causing that “you-sounded-like-you-farted-but-you-really-didn’t” noise.

“God Littrell, use the freakin bathroom,” AJ mumbled. Kevin grinned and shook his head at Brian’s red faced glare towards AJ.

“What time is it anyway?” AJ asked as he stretched his arms.

“Six fifteen,” Brian announced quietly as he glanced at his watch.

As if on cue, the front door banged open with drunk Nick leaning heavily onto an obvious prostitute.

“Yo Nickster!” AJ grinned sizing up the young man.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 46

“Well, I see that some things haven’t changed,” Kevin grumbled as Nick staggered into the living room, leaning heavily onto the arm of the woman he came home with. Taking the woman’s arm off of Nick, Kevin started walking her towards the door. “I think we can handle it from here.”

“Nick, put your arm around me,” Brian directed, his face flushed with embarrassment.

“Hey! She du-dun’t need ta leave,” Nick slurred.

AJ seemed amused by the entire situation and sat on the couch with a smirk on his face. Since Kevin was occupied with escorting the hooker out of the house, AJ decided to get up and help Brian out with Nick. “Nicky, long time no see!”

Howie seemed nervous watching Nick’s slow, clumsy movements. “Nick, how much did you have to drink?”

Nick looked over towards Howie, his head bobbing as he turned. He looked as if he was having a hard time focusing his eyes and as he slowly blinked, they kept rolling towards the back of his head.

AJ snapped his fingers in front of Nick’s face. “Kid? Yo Nick, Howie asked you a question.”

“He was drinking mixed drinks,” the girl offered as Kevin tried to close the door.

“Wonderful,” Kevin sarcastically replied. “What kind?”

“JD and Coke,” she winked, snapping the wad of gum in her heavily lipsticked mouth.

Kevin sighed. “And how many Jack and Cokes?”

“Oh, I dunno, I’d guess maybe six or seven when he was around me,” she smiled as she looked up at Kevin’s face. “Hey, aren’t you that guy with that one group, um, with N’sync?”

“Thanks for bringing him home, bye,” Kevin huffed and quickly slammed the door closed on the woman’s face.

“Wha-why did s-she go?” Nick slurred, then hiccuped followed by a moan.

“She had a prior engagement,” AJ joked. “I thought Nick had a better tolerance than this,” he remarked as he glanced briefly at Nick, watching his head bob to the front and then towards the back. “Do you think we can move lard ass up the stairs or just leave him on the couch?”

“I-I’m gonna puke,” Nick announced.

Nick broke free of Brian and AJ’s grip and fell as he started running towards the bathroom. He quickly pulled himself up onto his hand and knees and half crawled, half walked to the bathroom.

“Now that there’s a Kodack moment,” AJ laughed, only to have a glare from Brian shot back at him. “What the hell was that for?”

“He’s sick,” Brian replied through gritted teeth, angry at the fact that AJ thought this was funny.

“Well, that’s what happens when you drink too much,” AJ shot back.

The sound of Nick throwing up and gagging carried down the hall into the living room. Howie held his own stomach sympathetically, desperately hoping he could control his own nausea. He was usually prone to gagging when someone was sick, having a sensitive stomach himself.

Wordlessly, Brian left the room to go help his friend.

“I’m gonna go out and get some fresh air,” Howie stated as he quickly stood up.

“I’ll go with you, I need a smoke,” AJ remarked as he heaved himself up from the couch.

Kevin decided to go down towards the bathroom where Brian and Nick were. Slowly pushing the door open, he found Nick sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, his pale skin glistening with sweat. Brian was crouched next to him. Another bout of nausea hit Nick again.

“Oh god, just let me die,” he moaned, clutching his stomach.

“It’s gonna be okay Nick,” Brian whispered as he rubbed his friend’s back in small circles.

Kevin stood in the doorway watching Nick push himself away from the toilet and slump back down onto the floor. He looked at Brian with a raised eyebrow. Brian only shook his head sorrowfully, not sure what to say to his cousin.

“Nick, do you think you’re ready to go upstairs and get cleaned off for bed?” Kevin stated in an authoritative tone.

All Nick could do was barely nod his head as he slowly stood up - with Brian’s help, leaning against him as he walked down the hall towards the stairs.

“I think a cool shower will help you out some,” Kevin thought outloud. “I would suggest strong black coffee but I’m guessing you’d throw that right back up.”

Nick’s only reply was a hiccup.

“Yeah, I’m right,” Kevin stated under his breath.

Suddenly Brian remembered the port that was under Nick’s collarbone. If Kevin assisted Nick in getting undressed for the shower, he would be bound to see it. He needed to stall for explainations about Nick for the time being. This was something that would have to come from Nick’s mouth and no one else’s.

“Um, Kev, let’s just skip the shower and I’ll get him ready for bed. You must be tired from the flight in,” Brian suggested.

“No, I’m okay,” Kevin replied as he helped Nick turn towards the bed and lay down onto his back.

Brian’s heart sank.

“No, seriously, I think he’s too sick to be standing in a shower right now. Why don’t you go see if there’s more coffee and bring me a cup while I get Nick out of these smokey smelling clothes.”

Kevin studied his cousin for a moment.

Brian could feel Kevin’s eyes on him as he took off one of Nick’s shoes and quickly looked up, holding Nick’s foot. “What?”

“You haven’t been to bed all night and you want a cup of coffee?”

“I-I just don’t feel comfortable about sleeping with Nick being this drunk,” Brian replied.

Kevin shrugged his shoulders. “I guess someone should watch him, but I’ll sit in with y’all too.” With that, Kevin turned around and left Brian alone to tend to his sick brother.

Pulling Nick by the arms, Brian struggled to get him into a sitting postion. “God, you’re dead weight, can you help me out Nick?”

Nick slowly pulled at his shirt, trying to unbutton it but failing miserably, giving up. Brian quickly undid the buttons and pulled the shirt off. He decided that he had better get the shirt changed first to ensure that when Kevin comes back to check on them, the port would be covered by a fresh tee shirt.

With all the moving going around, Nick got sick to his stomach again.

“I’m gonna puke Bri,” he moaned, his eyes scanning the room for something to get sick into. Brian came to his rescue, grabbing a small waste paper basket that was lined in a white garbage bag.

“Here Nick, use this,” he stated, shoving the basket under Nick’s chin.

At first Brian wasn’t concerned when he saw the reddish-brownish streaks of blood in the waste basket after Nick had thrown up. He assumed it was from the mouth sores or from straining to throw up so much.

Tossing a pair of boxers on the bed next to Nick, Brian told him to take off his pants and slide those on.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” Brian advised as he walked towards the door.

“Brian?” Nick called out in a weak voice.

Stopping at the doorway, he turned to look at Nick laying on the bed.

“I’m sorry I caused more trouble,” he sobbed.

“Aw, Nicky, everything will be okay. Nick, I need to call and cancel your appointment for today, I doubt you’ll be feeling up to it, I’ll come back in a minute, alright? You said it was speed dial nine?”

Nick nodded, closing his eyes. He agreed that there was no way he could face another round of chemo the way he was feeling.

******

Kevin and Brian sat in overstuffed chairs that were situated in front of a large picture window in the bedroom. Keeping watch over their sick friend had been something that happened a few times during the last tour when Nick had come back too intoxicated for either one’s comfort.

Taking a sip from his green mug, Kevin studied Nick laying on the bed, as he tossed and turned in a fitful sleep. “His color seems off to me,” he observed.

Brian stiffened in the chair. “Huh?”

“Nick’s color, it seems kinda off to me.”

Brian leaned forward, looking at Nick’s face. “Well, yeah I guess, but he’s sick from drinking.”

“No, it’s not that kinda color thing,” Kevin continued in his slow drawl. “His skin almost looks gray, I don’t know, like a yellow gray or something like that.”

“Oh god, he’s starting to suspect something,’ Brian thought to himself. He needed to take Kevin’s mind off of his thoughts. “It’s probably the light in the room Kev.”

Just as Brian spoke, Nick’s eyes flew open and he frantically grabbed the basket to throw up into. Brian jumped up and rushed toward his young friend to help steady him as he threw up. Brian gasped as he saw the bright red blood mixed in with bile.

“Oh god Kevin, we need to get him to the hospital,” Brian panicked.

Kevin shook his head. “For being drunk? No! Absolutely not, Nick can weather this one out!”

“But he’s throwing up blood!”

Kevin strode over to the bedside and peered into the wastebasket. “I’ve seen worse from AJ. That’s what happens when you drink whiskey Brian. It irritates the stomach lining.”

“I-I d-don’t know about it though,” Brian replied. “I don’t feel comfortable with this at all.”

Nick started moaning. “I don’t feel good.”

Brian reached up and softly stroked Nick’s hair away from his sweaty face. A few strands came off in his hand and he quickly rubbed them off on his pants.

Nick sprung up quickly and grabbed at the wastebasket again. He half coughed half choked this time and Brian’s eyes widened in horror was the last round of vomiting was bright red blood.

He didn’t say anything to Kevin as he grabbed the phone off of the nightstand and dialed 911.

“I need an ambulance, he’s throwing up blood,” Brian spat into the phone.

“NO BRIAN... I SAID NO!” Kevin protested.

******

“He’s stable for now,” Dr. Andersen advised Brian and Leighanne as they stood in the hall, away from the rest of the people that followed the ambulance to the hospital.

“Thank you doctor,” Brian said as he managed a small smile. “Thanks for not saying anything in front of the guys too.”

The doctor nodded. “I understand the circumstances and Nick’s wishes about not involving alot of people and I respect it, but he really needs to start telling his family more than anything.”

“We’re working on it,” Leighanne smiled. “Nick’s a stubborn guy.”

Dr. Andersen smiled a knowing smile. This she discovered almost from the beginning of Nick’s cancer treatments. A stubborn personality was a good trait in fighting this disease, but sometimes Nick stretched the limits on stubborness.

“How long will he be kept in the hospital?” Brian asked.

“I only want him here just for observation. He had been told not to drink because his system is already compromised. His body has been through so much over the past several weeks with the chemo and the radiation. I don’t think anything’s going to happen, but I want to make sure his stomach has calmed down before he goes back home.” She placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “You really are a good friend to Nick. He thinks the world of you.”

“And I think the world of him,” Brian smiled.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 47

"I´ve done it again, ” Nick thought miserablely as he lay on the hospital bed. He didn´t mean to get so stupidly drunk, it was just that he was so fed up with everything. It was becoming too much for him to handle and he needed an escape route. Turning to the bottle had been a bad descision, especially when he was on the chemo.

It wasn't that he didn´t want Julie to be in remission, not on the contrary. She deserved all the happiness there was. It was just that he didn´t know if he would be there to enjoy it with her. Enjoy life. They had been talking about what they would do when they were in remisson and now when that day had come Nick felt even more lonlier than before. Now he was all alone again. Alone with this dreadful disease called cancer.

He didn´t know if he could cope with it.

What also upset him greatly was that Brian had hidden the “truth” from him, just because his friend didn´t think he could handle the good news. Well Frick had been right one more time. He didn´t handle it all. For the time being it had felt good to be totally sloshed and drunk. After each JD his reality became more and more blurry. The pain went further and further away.

Now he had a new pain to deal with. He had to tell his longtime “brothers” about his situation. He had to tell them about his cancer.

Kevin had looked at him suspeciously when he was vomiting at his most, he had those frighten, yet questioning eyes and Nick didn´t know how to break it to the older man. Since his friend's dad died from cancer, Nick knew that he always had trouble talking about death and illnesses. Kevin had to put on a tough face, but deep inside he was softer than a kitten.

He knew that the moment the dark haired man finds out about the cancer he would be devistated. And Nick did everything in his power to prolong such a reaction.

How AJ would react there was no telling. The tattooed man had a battery of emotions inside him - everything from being very upset and mad to crying like a baby was on the reportaire. Howie on the other hand would certainly cry. That Nick was sure of. He and D’ had spent much so time together, especially last year when they had both been into partying. But then Nick had bailed out from going on Howie's Lupus cruise and things were a bit frosty between them. But nothing that couldn't get to be repaired.

“Are you comfortable, Mr. Carter?” the nurse asked as she came to adjust his IV. Startled, Nick looked up at her, nodding.

“Yeah, I don´t feel as nauseaous anymore.”

“That's good,” She smiled, “you know drinking while taking chemo is not a very wise choice.”

Oh if only he had known. As always he had learned it the hard way. When he puked blood he had been certain that this is it! His time had come! Then he had passed out and when he woke up he was riding an ambulance. Brian's concerned eyes had peered down at him, alongside with the ambulance personnel. He remembered the tears that streaked his friend's face. He had tried to say “don’t cry” but all that came out was a harsh whisper. His throat hurt too much from the strenous task as well as from those hated mouth sores.

“Would you like anything to drink?” the nurse asked as she puffed his pillow.

“Don´t you think I have had enough of that substance?” Nick joked.

The nurse chuckled,“I think you´re feeling better.”

“Yeah right,” Nick mumbled, but he couldn´t help to smile. They were all so nice to him and he knew that he had given the good Dr. Andersen quite a scare when he came into the hospital. White as a sheet, blood running down the corner of his mouth. They had instantly taken him up to x-ray, to rule out any internal bleeding. When they found out that none such thing was present, he was subsided to taking tests. Endless tests!

They had all came out negative, meaning that there was nothing wrong with him, except for over indulging on alcohol and he was to stay 24 hours for observation. No one had been allowed into the room up until now.

“Mr. Littrell is waiting outside. Do you want me to ask him in?”

Looking up, Nick thought for a moment. Did he want Brian to come in? He felt so ashamed over his break down. He hadn´t lived up to the high standards that were required for him and didn´t know what Brian thought of his actions. B was a person that didn´t like it when he was partying and he was sure that this episode had scared the shit out of him, literally.

“Ye..yeah,” Nick hesitated a moment. Then he made up his mind, “Yes, let him in.” The nurse did as he said and he sat up straighter in bed.

“Hey Frack,” Brian said silently as he entered the room. His face was withdrawn and he looked tired and haggard. Dark circles hovered under his tearfilled eyes. “Man you gave us quite a scare.”

“Yeah, I know.” Nick looked down. He felt bad for his behavoir.

“You feeling any better?” Brian's voice sounded thick with concern.

Nick nodded. “I´m so sorry,” he said as he felt his eyes burn.

“That was a stupid stunt you pulled.” Anger flared in the older man's voice.

“You..you´re mad at me?” Nick asked after a pause of silence.

“No!” Brian shook his head, “No, no, but I got so scared I would loose you.” The voice broke as he uttered the words.

“You won´t loose me,” Nick smiled, thinking 'At least not yet'.

Brian nodded, then he said, “The guys are waiting outside. They got as concerned as me.”

Instantly Nick asked, “Did you tell them anything?”

“No...but you know Nick, you have to tell them. It´s not fair that they don´t know anything.” Brian spoke quietly.

“Yeah and I will..when the moment is right.”

“The moment is right now, Nick. You want me to ask them to come in?” He was urging the blonde to make up his mind.

Nick shook his head. “I'll tell them..just not here. I´ll do it..back home.” The truth was that he didn´t know if he could bear facing them. Didn´t know how to tell them about the disease that was slowly sending him further to the grave.

“Okay,” Brian sighed, “you decide.” Nick was stubborn. He also sensed that there was fear that had him acting this way. Fear what his band brothers would think of him. Fear that they would neglect him or start to treat him differently.

Nick felt his eyes sting even more. Everything was starting to fall apart. He hated lying here, sick and tired in his bed. Too weak to even get up to go to the bathroom. It sucked. A trickle of a tear escaped and ran down his cheek. It was salty and instantly he tried to wipe it away. A sob was heard.

“Oh Frack,” Brian took his hand, gently, “Nick don´t cry. It will be fine. I promise.” His own voice was thick with emotions and seeing his band brother this miserable made his heart ache.

“I..I..failed,” the young man sobbed. “I´m one fucking gigantic mistake.”

“What?” Brian frowned. He didn´t follow the thoughts.

“I mean..I..I...fucked up when I should have..have been with Julie instead.” He hadn´t mentioned that he knew anything about her going into remission. There were no need to upset his friend even further.

“Oh that,” Brian breathed out loud, “Don´t worry. She doesn´t know anything.”

“She..she will..find out,” He felt so miserable that he wanted to die. He was letting them all down. One by one.

“Nick, you´re tired. Try to get some sleep and I´m sure that everything will seem better tomorrow. I can tell the guys that they can come at a different time.”

“Yeah, I´ll guess that you´re right.” He sighed heavily before closing his eyes. “Tell the guys that I will talk to them later, okay?” Suddenly he felt so exhausted.

“Okay,” Brian stroked Nick's hair. ”Just relax,” he whispered soothingly. The last thing Nick heard before sinking into oblivon was Brian's soft voice, “It'll be all fine. I promise.”

**********************************

“God, I´ve got the worst headache there is,” Kevin moaned, furiously rubbing his temples. “I need to get something for this,” he stood up from the sofa and made his way down to the bathroom.

They had come back from the hopsital and were at Nick's house, watching a basketball game on tv. Leighanne was out shopping and nothing more had been said about Nick's condition. They were all tired from being up all night, waiting and watching over the man in question.

Opening the medicine cabinet Kevin scanned the shelves for asprin. A bit surprised, he noticed that Nick's otherwise so empty cabinet was filled with all sorts of medication. Picking up a bottle he read the label. It was strong pain pills. A vicious thought popped into his head.

Was the rumor true? That his little brother was on drugs? What else could the reason be why he was using this kind of medecine? He had to know.

Taking the bottle, he walked briskly out to Brian who sat talking with the rest of the boys about their upcoming cd.

“Brian,” he barked, “what the fuck is this?” Holding up the bottle so all could see he continued, “why is Nick using this?”

Brian's face got red. “What are you doing with that?” he yelled, trying to snatch the bottle from Kevin's hand.

“No,” Kevin said calmly, “the question is, what is NICK doing with THESE?”

“That is his business,” Brian bit his lip, “come on, hand it to me.”

“No,” The older man shook the pill bottle, “I wanna have an answer.” He was upset.

“Hey man, that's some pretty strong stuff,” AJ commented as he read the label. “Is Nick using this shit? In that case he is fucked up.”

“It´s not what you guys think,” Brian mumbled as he grabbed the bottle from Kevin's hand.

The men didn´t listen to him.

“So then it´s true,” Kevin asked, staring into his cousin's eyes.

“What's true?”

“That Nick is using drugs,” Howie cut in.

“No!,” Brian was getting more and more upset, “he is NOT on drugs. You have to trust me on this.”

“Trust you?” Kevin spat, then he said, “why are you keeping this from us?”

“I´m not keeping anything from anyone.” Brian felt annoyed.

“Yeah, Kev is right.” AJ contunued, “You´re keeping some shit from us. Listen if Nick is on drugs he needs professional help and..” His words were cut off from Howie.

“AJ, maybe we're assuming too much. What if Brian is telling the truth?” Being the peacemaker in the band Howie was used to trying to see everything from all different sides. He never jumped to conclusions without having resonable reasons.

“I AM telling the truth. You have to wait and talk to Nick.” Brian felt irritated that his brothers didn´t believe him.

Kevin looked disatisfied. “Then why is Nick on this stuff if he isn´t hooked on it?” He went silent for a while, thinking. Mostly to himself he uttered, “That is if he isn’t..Nah,” he stopped, “that can´t be.”

“What are you saying?” Howie asked as he saw his mate mumbling something, deep in thoughts.

“Yeah speak up man,” AJ urged him. Brian glared.

“The only time I know that someone is using this kind of stuff is when they are sick..really sick.” Kevin's words were just a whisper, as if he was trying to adjust to a situation.

“What do you mean by sick?” AJ didn´t follow his lines at all.

Brian felt his heart beat even faster. Sick? Did Kevin suspect something?

“I remember my dad using this kind of pain medication, when he had cancer,” he continued and this had both Howie and AJ's full attention.

Brian looked down. Afraid to let them see how this was effecting him. Tears stung and he felt like he was suffocating. “I need some air,” he mumbled as he ran out from the room, out to the patio. If he stayed any longer he would either start crying or pass out from emotional distress.

Surprised the guys looked at each other.

“What´s wrong with B’rok?” AJ asked. This was not like their friend to act like this.

Kevin was still silent, then he uttered, “What if..what if he IS telling the truth?”

“Who?”

“Brian, I mean what if Nick isn´t on drugs.”

“Yeah you said so earlier. But then what can be the matter with him?” Howie was searching for answers.

“Maybe he is sick,” Kevin filled in. AJ and Howie looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I know that this might sound farfectched but like I said earlier, my dad was on meds like this.” The air was thick with emotions.

“But..but your dad had cancer.” AJ murmured, not wanting to believe a word that he heard.

“Yes,” Kevin nodded. The words were stuck down his throat.

" He can´t..he can´t have cancer. His 22 years old..nah Nick is more likely into some kind of doped up shit," There were not a chance that AJ was buying the older friends words.

“There's only one way we can find out,” Howie said, looking at the direction where Brian had escaped. With a nod the three men stood up, walking out to the patio where the found their friend, on a bench, head in his hands.

“Brian?” Howie was taking the lead.

“Mhm..” the Kentuckian didn´t look up.

“Brian, does Nick have cancer?”

The words hit him like a blow to his chest. Emotions welled up over him as he heard the words being uttered. Slowly he looked up. Suddenly he couldn´t bear to hold this secret any longer. It felt too much!

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “Yeah he's got cancer.” Tears started to roll down Brian's cheeks as he continued, “ He´s got Hodgkins Disease and I´m not sure he will make it!”

A gasp was heard from the rest of the men.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 48

AJ's head jerked up as he stared at Brian. "What the fuck did you just say?"

Brian avoided eye contact with his band brothers and opted for looking down at the ground. "I said he's got cancer."

"Stop messin' around Bri, this isn't funny!" AJ growled.

Brian could only shake his head slowly. "It's the truth."

"How long have you known about this?" Kevin asked quietly, breaking the uncomfortable silence that hung in the air.

Not trusting his voice at the moment, Brian only shrugged his shoulders. Sighing, he slumped down into the seat behind him and cradled his head in his hands. Slowly rocking his body back and forth, he finally replied, his head still in his hands. "What difference does that make?"

Kevin clenched his jaw. "I just want to know, that's all."

"I, um, I don't know exactly how long, but it's not been too long I guess."

"Months? Weeks? Days?" AJ spat.

Brian lifted his head and glared at AJ. "I don't fucking know how long dammit! I didn't tell Leighanne right away either so don't think you're the only people that's been in the dark about this! God, his own family doesn't know about this yet either as far as I know!"

Kevin, AJ and Howie were shocked not only at Brian's outburst but also by his choice of words when he snapped at AJ. Feeling badly that he had pushed his friend to the limit, AJ sank down in the chair that was next to Brian.

"Man, I'm sorry. I.. I just can't believe this...I can't believe this is happening," AJ repeated over and over before he leaned his body forward and covered his face as he started to cry.

Swallowing hard, Kevin took a seat on the bench that was propped up against the house. "Brian, I think you need to tell us exactly what's been happening with Nick. I think we all need to know what's going on, like how this started."

"All I know is what Nick's told me," Brian stated in a somber voice.

"That's fine, I just want to hear something more about all of this," Kevin encouraged.

Brian drew a breath in before he started his explanation. "Well, from what I've kinda pieced together, Nick's been sick for awhile. All he told me was that he's got Hodgeskin's Lymphoma and he's been doing chemotherapy and radiotion therapy to beat this. Nick's not really telling me much about this. All I know is he gets really sick on his chemo days and then he has good days in between treatments."

"What the hell is Hodg..Hodge...whatever the fuck?" AJ snapped, fresh tears streaming down his face.

"It's cancer of his lymph glands. That's why he got so puffy looking and you were teasing him about gaining weight. Well, Nick wasn't getting fat, he was getting sick and he never told anyone because you teased him about it and I think he just thought he was getting heavier and didn't see the doctor sooner than he should have!"

"Come on, let's not start accusing people about all of this!" Howie shouted.

Kevin started rubbing his forehead, trying to push the headache he was developing away. "I agree. This isn't going to solve problems."

"So you're saying I made Nick sick?" AJ rasped.

"I don't know but it seems pretty clear to me that Nick was sick and you kept up with your jokes and comments about his weight and it made him a little embarrassed about it so I think he didn't get help for his problem early enough," Brian spat back at AJ.

AJ put his hands up defensively. "You can't pin this on me! God, Bri, how the fuck was I to know what was going on with that kid? You know Nick, he's always throwing up and getting sick and complains constantly about not feeling good!"

"Yeah, but I think you pushed it too far this time!" Brian stated angrily.

"I didn't push shit! You'r looking for someone to blame about this and you're barking up the wrong fucking tree Littrell!" AJ cried out defensively.

"I'm telling you what I know!"

"You know about as much as we know about this! I think you're lying about all of this shit just so I stop picking on Nick!" AJ challenged.

Brian let out a sarcastic laugh. Kevin, who had up to this point been listening to the two men bicker about the situation, stopped rubbing his temples. "That's about enough you two!"

"Is everything alright? I heard someone shouting," Leighanne asked as she appeared in the doorway.

"Go back and rest sweetheart, it's okay," Brian soothed.

AJ stepped around Brian and faced Leighanne. "Lee, is it true about Nick?"

Leighanne's dark brown eyes darted nervously between her husband's face and AJ's. "What?" Judging by Howie's tear filled eyes and Kevin's pale complexion, Nick's news had been broken to the young men.

"Brian said that Nick has cancer. Is it true?" AJ pressed.

Leighanne immediately burst into tears.

"Oh thanks AJ, way to go," Brian snapped as he placed a protective arm around his wife.

"This is bullshit! How long have you known?"

"That's enough AJ!" Kevin growled.

AJ persisted. "How long have you known?"

"AJ, drop it, please!" Howie begged.

"I- I don't know, maybe less than a week or so, I think, I don't know," Leighanne sniffeled, wringing her hands.

Brian stepped in front of Leighanne. "Stop upsetting her!"

"This is fucking crazy! First, Nick gets sick in Japan, then this doc over there says it's the mumps, then he keeps getting sick at home and he kept saying he wasn't better from the mumps yet. He starts to look like he's five months pregnant and then he shows up here all shitfaced with a fucking hooker on his arm. Now you're telling me he's got cancer? Bullfuckingshit!" AJ boomed.

Howie followed AJ as he ducked back into the house, grabbing his ball cap, his wallet and Nick's car keys. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see Nick, I want answers," AJ hissed.

"AJ, no, please don't do this!" Brian begged.

"Why the fuck not? He owes us an explanation."

"Nick's going to tell you guys, okay? I wasn't supposed to say anything to you about this," Brian pleaded as he tried to stall.

"I don't give a rat's ass, he owes all of us an explanation and I'm going to talk to Carter and find out where the hell his head is at, that's all."

"AJ, please wait!" Brian called out to AJ as he opened the door leading to the garage.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 49

The pain in his stomach felt like a hot poker was stabbing him over and over. “Oh god, this really sucks,” he mumbled, gingerly placing a hand to his forehead.

Opening his eyes, Nick looked around the room trying to get his bearings on where he was. Initially he thought he was laying in a hotel bed but that was soon shattered when he saw the IV pole situated next to him. “Shit,” he mumbled as he stared up at the bag of fluid that was hanging.

The memories of the night before slowly crept into his mind. They were fuzzy and scattered but Nick was able to determine that he had drank that night, but why? He knew it was bad for him to be drinking when he was sick in the first place but he couldn’t recall why he had been drinking.

A feeble knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.

“Hi, I have your breakfast tray,” a petite woman quietly announced as she hesitantly stepped into the room. She quickly set the tray down on the table that was at the foot of the bed. “Do you want me to pull the table towards you?”

Nick shook his head slightly and instantly regretted it when his head started pounding. He motioned with his hand. “That’s fine there.”

The smell of the breakfast tray started his stomach churning. The last thing he wanted to do was throw up. It seemed that was all he did lately. His body had betrayed him so much in the past six months he didn’t care to think about it.

Resuming his thoughts about last night, Nick tried to think about why he had been drinking. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t recall.

“Good morning Nickolas, I’m hoping your night went well,” Dr. Andersen chirped as she entered the room holding a chart.

“Just peachy,” Nick grinned slightly, tucking his hand behind his head.

The doctor sat down on the edge of the bed. “You learned a valuable lesson yesterday, don’t you think?”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Spare me the lecture, please.”

Dr. Andersen shook her head. “I’m not going to lecture you, you’re twenty-two years old, just about the same age as my nephew and he’s got his head on pretty straight for his age. No, Nick, I what I’m trying to tell you here is that chemotherapy meds and alcohol are sometimes a deadly combination. For every drink you take you run yourself at a high risk of problems besides hangovers.”

Nick squirmed nervously in bed, drawing the covers up towards his chest.

“You were vomiting blood last night, do you know why?”

“Whiskey I suppose,” he smugly replied, focusing his vision past the doctor towards a tiny black spot on the wall across the room.

“Well I’m sure that wasn’t the brightest thing to drink for a person that’s well, but Nick, your body is fighting cancer and your platelets are low to begin with and you’re susceptible to bleeding as well as infections. Nick do you realize you could have killed yourself yesterday?”

Rolling his eyes, Nick let out a deep sigh. “And that would be bad, how?” he mumbled.

Dr. Andersen looked at her young patient questionably. “Are you giving up the fight?”

“Nah, I’m just taking a vacation, okay?”

“This really isn’t a joking matter. I’m serious.”

Adjusting himself to a more comfortable position, Nick winced when his stomach suddenly protested the movement. He quickly looked at the doctor to see if she saw him and he was relieved to see that she was reading his chart. “Doc, when is my body going to start looking like my body again?”

“It takes time,” she replied.

“Okay I think I’ve been pretty patient so far. This is getting a little old,” Nick snapped.

“Are you talking about you losing your hair?”

Growing self conscious, Nick absently placed a hand towards the side of his head. “I, um, didn’t think that was noticeable yet.”

“It’s not, I just know that it will be happening within the next few weeks more than likely,” she quickly retracted her comment. “I’m sorry, what are you concerned about then Nick?”

“This,” Nick sighed as he gestured at his bloated stomach. “Well, this and this,” he said as he pointed at his face.

“The steriods make your body retain fluids, it’s nothing to be concerned about, once the steriods stop the swelling will subside.”

“My stomach isn’t going down as often as I’ve been throwing up. It’s getting a little tiring wearing sweats 24/7. I’d really like to wear clothes again and look like a normal person instead of a moon faced bloated freak!” Nick wanted to mention the pains in his stomach, but bit his lip instead. He didn’t want to have her checking him out again.

“The swelling in your stomach is from the enlarged nodes, I’ve told you this before. The chemo will hopefully shrink the nodes and when things start to calm down we will remove your spleen. This all takes time sweetheart. If you stood on a scale you would probably be surprised to see that you’ve lost weight, not gained it.”

Nick let out a sarcastic laugh. “AJ and management would be happy to hear about that.”

“AJ?”

“A jerk friend of mine, skip it,” Nick replied.

Dr. Andersen’s eyes looked over her young patient. “Nick, you messed up your chemotherapy schedule with this drinking binge you put yourself through. I was hoping to keep things on track. The quicker the treatments progress, I’m hoping that you go into a remission.”

Remission? Nick’s head snapped up. Just as he was about to ask her a question the doctor’s pager went off. Looking down at the device, Dr. Andersen stood up.

“I’ll write the orders for your discharge and you can call for a ride home. I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

With that, the doctor hurried out of the room, leaving Nick alone once again.

Nick played with the words “remission” in his head. After a few moments he suddenly realized what had triggered the drinking binge - Julie was in remission and everyone knew about it but him. Brian was keeping the information from him. The more he thought about it the more his blood pressure started to climb. He was feeling an undeniable rage coursing through his body and Nick looked around the room for something - anything to vent his anger.

He absently felt the port under his collarbone, toying with the idea of yanking the IV out. After debating a few moments, he pulled the needle from the port and soon sticky dextrose from the IV bag was dripping onto the tiled floor. His eyes fell onto the breakfast tray that sat waiting for him. With a single swipe, the tray loudly clattered to the ground.

Next Nick pawed at the sheets and blanket that covered his body. Drawing the covers up he pulled the neatly tucked corners out from the end of the mattress. In a tantrum, Nick kicked his legs up and down wildly and he screamed - with his mouth closed - until the blankets fell off the bed.

“This is fucking crazy,” he cursed, slowly edging himself out of the torn up bed. Instead of stepping over the dishes Nick kicked the plate, instantly regretting it when the pain of his actions connected with his brain and he fell against the bed.

“Fuckin’ stupid shit!”

Nick limped into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, taking in his features.

“Are you okay in here?” a male voice called out.

Nick rolled his eyes at the remark. ‘Yah know there’s shit all over the room, the beds torn up. God what a dumbass.’

“Yup, I’m fine, just a little accident,” he lied.

“I’ll send housekeeping in to take care of this mess then,” came the reply back.

“Do whatever the fuck you want cause I’m leaving this hell hole as soon I get dressed,” Nick mumbled to himself directing his attention back to the mirror. “Carter you look like shit!”

Grabbing the toothbrush, Nick angrily squirted out toothpaste, half of it hit the brush the other half fell into a blue clump in the sink. Shoving the brush into his mouth, he instantly regretted his actions when it met up with the sores that lined the inside of his cheek. He mentally cursed himself and proceeded to gently scrub his teeth. Nick had grown accustomed to seeing blood mixed in with the foam from the toothpaste and quickly cupped a handful of cool water to rinse his mouth out.

Turning on the faucet to lukewarm water, he quickly lathered his hands and rubbed the soap over his face. All the time he was doing this Nick wondered why he even bothered. Feeling slightly refreshed, he limped back out into the room in search of the closet and his clothes.

“What the hell happened in here?”

Upon hearing the familiar voice, Nick stiffened in his tracks. Slowly, he turned towards the the doorway to see AJ, Brian, Kevin and Howie peering into the room.

He pasted a plastic smile on his face. “Hey guys.”

“What the heck happened in here Nick?” Brian questioned as they entered the room, stepping around the mess.

As he pulled his clothes from the closet, Nick tried his best to make light of the situation. “Oh, nothing, it was an accident.”

Looking at the torn up bedding, Kevin shook his head. He had seen this dozens of times living with Nick. Something had upset the kid and he flew into another one of his famous temper tantrums.

“So, as soon as I get dressed we can go, doc’s letting me go home.”

“Did she tell you that getting drunk wasn’t a good idea when you’re sick?” Kevin remarked in a serious voice, looking at his younger brother in a different way. He was starting to see things about Nick that he hadn’t noticed.

Nick nervously laughed it off. “Oh, I guess it’s not the best idea when you’ve got a cold so, yeah she kinda----”

Brian gently touched Nick’s shoulder and whispered into his ear. “They know.”

As he nodded, his face reddened at first from embarrassment then from anger.

“Nick, I had to tell them---”

“You had to tell them?” Nick questioned, angrily. “What the fuck gave you the right to tell anyone about me? First it was Lee and now you decide it’s time to tell the guys? What the fuck did I tell you? Do you fucking ever listen to anything I say?”

“Nick, I confronted Brian when I found your meds,” Kevin defended.

”My meds? Why the fuck were you snooping in my stuff?”

“I wasn’t snooping and that’s irrelevant, the fact is that we know about your ca.... your illness,” Kevin choked on trying to say cancer and opted to say illness.

“It’s cancer Kevin, can’t you fucking say it?” Nick taunted.

“Nick, come on,” Howie and Brian cried out, feeling uncomfortable about the emotions that were hanging in the room.

“Why didn’t you tell us, man?”

“So you can baby me? Nope, I don’t want that shit from anyone, especially from you guys,” Nick spat angrily.

The reality of the situation was becoming clearer to AJ as he took a longer, harder look at Nick. His skin had a dull effect and the features he used to joke about and say that he was getting fat had a different meaning to him now that he realized that the cancer story was true.

“We want to help you,” AJ stated softly.

“No one can help me,” Nick replied. “I’ll get through this on my own, okay?”

“Nick, quit being so goddamned stubborn, wouldja?” AJ shot back.

He could feel all eyes on him in the room. He dug at the strings on his neck that drew the blue hospital gown together. After successfully unknotting the string, Nick pulled down the left corner of the gown, exposing the port that was sticking out from under his collarbone. ”Take a good look, you like what you see?” The three that hadn’t seen the port before drew breaths in. Nick decided to expose everything since he felt like he was on display for their amusement. He pulled his arms out of the sleeves and let the gown drop to the floor. Nick directed his gaze towards AJ.

“See this?” He asked as he pointed to his bloated stomach. “This is what cancer does to you. This is all from cancer.”

“Nick...please, I’m sorry,” AJ rasped.

Nick’s gaze hardened. “I want all of you out of here! Show’s over, get the fuck out! NOW!”

Chapter 50

It was silent at the dinner table.

Leighanne had done her best to prepare a real good meal but everyone lacked an appetite. The usual jokes and comments was nowhere to be heard, instead each and everyone was picking at their food, looking down at the table, making polite conversations about their upcoming album. Even that topic that often was discussed so freely lacked enthusiasm.

No one had mentioned about what had occured back at the hospital. It was like it was a forbidden topic to discuss. Yet sadness and frustration clouded the atmosphere.

One member was missing, Nick, since he had not joined the group at dinner. There had been no persuations made and they all agreed with each other that Nick needed all the peace and quite he could get.

Like they had done so many times before during their years together.

Touring had always taken hard on their little brother and since he had practically grown up with them they had seen him go through different stages and phases in his life. He had gone from just a young boy to a full grown man and it had been stressful to say the least. Especially since Nick could be very moody and had a very hot temper.

There was a time when he was in a swinging phase. He was mad at everybody and everything and it had been more than one time that he had lashed out, hitting objects in the process. AJ even got one or two punches.

Yet they had waited him out.

When Nick had been on a drinking binge, constantly clubbing and changing woman they had been concerned.

Yet they had waited him out.

For the first time in their lives, they didn´t know how to act or what to do. Only that heir little brother was sick for real and not just suffering from one of those flu bugs that Nick always seemed to attract. This was something that was slowly sinking into their minds. When Brian was going into heart surgery there had not been any doubt that he wouldn´t pull through. This time with Nick, they weren´t so sure. He was suffering from cancer and there was something in his eyes that had them all very shook up.

Their friend was very sick.

Even if no words had been said they were all trying to grasp the situation. Dealing with it in their own way.

When Howie had first heard that Nick had cancer he had been shocked. He refused to believe that it could be true, but seeing his friend over at the hospital had him trembling with fear.

The anger and frustration that had filled his friend's mind, together with the pain and fright that clouded Nick's otherwise so lively eyes, had him very concerned. Yet he refused to believe that Nick wouldn´t make it. There was no way that something would happen to his friend and being the born optimist, he hoped that the treatment that Nick was given would be enough.

While waiting in the hospital he had read up about the disease that Nick was suffering from and judging from the propspects the future seemed very bright. The survival rate was high, but what the odds against Nick was that he was already suffering from a high stage of the cancer.

But Nicky was a fighter, Howie decided.

Knowing that his friend was very sensitive and emotional he knew that he had a hard time dealing with tough issues. When AJ had gone into rehab Nick had been devistated. He had fought his tears in public and when the camera went off he had broke down. When Howie had tried to talk with him afterwards, Nick told him off, shutting himself back into his shell. After that incident Nick had shut off all his feelings for awhile and this was a pattern that Howie saw was repeating itself again.

The young man was very private about his personal life, even if he often showed emotions. Howie doubted that anyone, expcept maybe Brian when he was younger, had the key to the young man's innersoul. Nicky had been hurt too many times and instead had put up a hard shell that was tough to crack.

During the years, mainly the last year, Howie had been there for Nick. When he had been going through a stage of clubbing they had been out partying all night. Nick had turned to him when both Brian and Kevin were busy being married men. There had been times when Howie got a glimpse into Nick's mind, especially when he was too drunk or stoned to care whoever was listening.

Yet he knew that he didn´t know the real Nickolas Carter. But then, did anyone?

Kevin had also been very shaken over the news. His head was threatning to split in half and he was fighting off a bad migraine. No medicine in the world seemed to help.

Ever since Brian had told him the dreaded news it felt like he was walking on clouds, or stayed in a bubble.

He had been chanting over and over again "Nick is sick....Nick is sick," like it would make the situation seem less surreal. He couldn´t bare to say the dreaded word; Cancer, since it reminded him too much of pain and suffering and he didn´t want to live through that nightmare again.

What made his heartache was that he was once again having to see someone that he loved going through the pain and misery that came with such a disease. This time it wasn´t his father that he loved and missed with his whole heart, that cancer chose to rob, but his little brother, Nick.

Mentally, he slapped himself for not noticing the signs. Instead he had thought that Nick was on drugs and he had cussed him out for not taking better care about his health. Especially when they were in Japan and he suffered from what the doctor said was the mumps. Now he knew better. It had been cancer showing it´s ugly face.

He didn´t know if he could make it through this again. He wondered if he had the strength to be a support for him.

He wanted to scream.

If it were something that Alexander James McLean was, it was angry! He felt the urge to scream, wanting to hit something. Wanting to yell to whomever had decided to make his friend ill. Life seemed so unfair.

The pain that AJ felt when he had seen Nick, with his bloated stomach, threatened to to rip his body apart. How many times hadn´t he made fun of and joked at him, commenting on his weight? Even if the comments often had been rude he still had never meant anything bad by it. It was just the way thngs had been between them, joking and kidding around about "serious" matters. Besides Nick had often laughed and then snarled something back. They were brothers and brothers make life miserable to each other. Right?

This time it felt like he had crossed over the line!

Never before since he became sober had he felt more desperate for a drink. Just a glass to deaden his pain and make it more bearable. Make it easier to breathe and live!

Yet he couldn´t do that since he would disappoint so many people. Sarah's support had meant the world to him and he couldn´t let her down. As he was listening to his friends talking about a upcoming track he wanted to scream out loud.

'Who the fuck cares about such unimportant things?'

Here they had just found out that their friend was sick, possibly dying and they spent their time discussing promotions like they had done so many times before.

What were they doing?

It felt like he would suffocate. He had to get out of here before he would choke. With that in mind he suddenly stood up, pushing his chair aside. The conversation stopped at the table and they all looked at him.

Brian was the first one to say, "Where are you going?" There was concern in his voice as he took in his friend's desperate expression.

"OUT! I have to get out of here. NOW!" He was already half out of the room. "This fucking place is choking me!" They heard the front door slam shut.

They looked at each other with shocked silence.

"I hope he doesn´t go off and do something stupid," Kevin said with a frown, "we don´t need to deal with another problem right now."

More silence. "I´ll go and see where he went," Howie said with a sigh. Concerned that his brother had ran off to do something he would regret.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 51

As Brian opened the bathroom door he glanced over at Nick’s closed bedroom door situated on the opposite side of the hallway. He hadn´t seen his friend since he came home from the hospital and when they had arrived he got only a quick sight of him before Nick slammed his door shut. It had been awful quiet from his room the whole afternoon, no sounds at all. His friend hadn´t even left the room for a bathroom visit. He hoped that everything was okay and he was praying that Nick was asleep. He had looked exhausted and last nights ordeal as well as the recent outburst was starting to take it´s toll.

Rapping gently on the door he called out, " Nick! Nick open up!"

No answer. Not that he had expected any, knowing that his friend was stubborness impersonated. " Frack? You´re awake?" Pressing his ear against the door he tried to detect if there were any sounds.

Total silence.

Making a final attempt to get the attention he knocked a bit harder, " Come on. I know that you´re there. Answer me so I know that you´re ok."

Still no answer.

Fine! If Nick wanted to be that stubborn, Brian wouldn´t press on. Before going back to the living room he said, " Ok I´ll leave you alone, but you let me know if there is anything you need,ok?" He stopped, " And..Frack..I´m sorry." His voice cracked over the last words. He knew that he had done wrong when he against Nicks will had told the guys about the cancer. But when they had encountered him openly he had a hard time hiding the "secet". Brian had never been good at lying. To tell the truth it felt good to have someone to share this burden with- someone that he knew cared and loved Nick deep in their hearts. Like brothers.

Even if no one had spoken about Nick and the cancer he still knew that they cared and was very shocked, trying to deal with it in their own way.

When he returned to the livingroom where Kevin and Leighanne sat and watched a football game, the darkhaired man looked up, " Did you talk with Nick?"

Brian shook his head as he sat down heavily in an armchair, rubbing his temples trying to fend off an escalating headache. Things were starting to catch up with him and he silently wondered whenever this nightmare would be just a memory.

" You have a headache, hon?" Leighanne asked as she lay her hand on her husbands arm.

Ignoring her queastion he continued with a sigh, " I wish that Nick wasn´t so stubborn."

" No reply then?" Kevin asked.

" No," Brian felt tired all of a sudden. Much too tired and old for someone that were in there prime of their life

" Well you know," Kevin sad comfortingly, " That is our Kaos. Always making a scene,being a bit stubborn." He bit his lip as he had uttered the last word. They had a bad habit of nagging and blaming the younger man whenever something went wrong. It wasn´t meant to hurt, it was something that went way back when they were younger and Nick often messed up things. Never thinking that it could have hurt their friend comments, that were not always so nice, were said. It had become more of a rule than an exception. Part of it was true, it wasn´t for nothing that his nickname was Kaos. But alot of it was because Nick had been very young when he started this business and they had needed someone to blame.

A loud shrill sounded through the room, disturbing their thoughts. Brians cellphone gave away and angry signal. Picking it up the Kentuckian got a pre notion who it could be; Howie! He and AJ had been away since dinnertime and that was a few hours back. Now they were worried that something might have happend.

" Brian." The line was weak and he could barely make out what the person said on the other end since people and music was in the background.

" Rok?" He heard the latino call out, trying to outvoice the noise in the background.

" Yes?" It was something in his friends that made him prick up his attention. " Is Bone there?" He could have sworn that he heard Aj´s voice through the crowd.

There were a deep sigh, " Unfortunatly." The words said it all.

"What happend? Where is he?" Raising his voice.

"AJ is here, but..but.um," Howie had a hard time saying the words out loud.

"WHAT? What is it?" Now Brian sensed that something was seriously wrong. Howie was never that low. Kevin and Leighanne had rushed towards him too and they were all waiting with anticipation to what could have happened. Kevin was trying to take the cell away from him so he could get first hand information. Irritated, Brian shied away, it was hard enough to hear what Howie said without having Kevin breathing down his neck.

Although the connection was weak,Brian could make out the words whiskey, drunk and car. When it dawned on him that AJ was shitfaced and that they needed to come and get him, he felt depressed.

Their friend had a relapse due to the stress he was undergoing. He had started to drink again. How many more trials were they having to go through? WHY?

He sighed, " Ok D' what bar are you in?" He waved towards Leigh to get out a pen and paper, and when she came back he scribbled down the name and adress. In the corner of his eye he saw Kevins expression as the word bar had been mentioned. It was pained

" Tell D' that we´re on our way," Kevin said, already grabbing the keys to Nicks car. " Come on, lets go." He urged his friend to hurry up. They had to get to AJ before the press got a wift off this. They had been snooping aorund them like blood hounds lately. Spreading break up rumours. It would hurt them if it came out that AJ had a breakdown and finding out about Nicks disease would be a total disaster.

" We are on our way," Brian ended and hung up the phone. Kevin grabbed his arm, " What? Is AJ on a drinking binge again?"

Brian nodded.

" Dammit, didn´t D' make it there on time?"

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 52

“Holy shit,” Kevin groaned as he steered the BMW into the parking lot of the bar where AJ and Howie were. His green eyes scanned the full lot for a place to park. “This is not good... not good at all.”

“He has a knack for picking the hot places to go, hey there’s a space over here!” Brian pointed.

After pulling into the parking space, Kevin killed the engine and leaned over the steering wheel, grumbling words that were inaudible to Brian. Sighing, Kevin finally leaned back. “Okay, let’s go get AJ before hell breaks out.”

Brian nodded in agreement as he grabbed his sunglasses and ball cap.

“I doubt that’s even going to make a difference Brian, just leave the sunglasses off, okay? I’m sure they’ll spot us either way with AJ in there doing God knows what for the bar patrons.”

The bass from the live band was felt by the two as the approached the entrance which had a long line of people standing out front waiting to be admitted into the bar. A bulky bodyguard stood at the front of the line, the look etched on his face showed that the man was obviously serious about his job at the bar.

”OMIGOD! Look! It’s Brian and Kevin from the Backstreet Boys!” a woman’s voice cried out from the line of patrons.

“Great, how come Backdoor Fags are in here?” a male voice snapped.

Ignoring the comments, Kevin and Brian stepped up to the bodyguard.

“Look at that, those assholes get to the front of the line everywhere! This sucks!” the same male voice barked. “Hey we were in line too ass! Go wait in the rear, you’re used to that shit!”

“Where’s Nick? Is Nick in there?” a girl called out.

“Gay bar is down the road quarter of a mile!”

Kevin shook his head as he tried to block out the man that kept harrassing them. The guard looked like he wasn’t going to allow either one of them through.

“I need to get in,” Kevin stated as he tried to go past the man. The bodyguard matched his moves, blocking the path.

“No can do, you wait like the rest of these nice peeps,” the bodyguard stated as he nodded his head towards the crowd.

Kevin narrowed his eyes at the burly black man. “Look baldy, we have to get in there!”

Brian reached out and put a hand on Kevin’s arm to settle him down. looked at the name tag on the guard’s shirt. “Um, Al? We have to get a friend out of there.. actually two of our friends are in there and we’ve come to pick them up.”

“Is Nick in there drunk again?” a woman asked, her voice contained a bit of excitement mixed with dismay.

“I don’t care if you’re in here to pick up George Bush, get to the back of the line, okay? Don’t make me have to get violent on yous,” Al threatened, cracking his knuckles.

Kevin tried one more attempt at passing the guard and again was met with every move he tried, step for step by the black man. Defeated once again, the two stepped away from the bodyguard and the crowd of patrons.

“Well, what do we do now?” Brian whispered as he glanced over at the entrance.

Kevin sighed. “How the heck should I know? Mister I-own-the-club won’t let his mother pass if she isn’t in the front of the line.”

Brian nodded in agreement. “True... but hey, I’ve got an idea!”

“Rush him?”

Brian looked at Al and then back at Kevin. “Like we’d have a prayers chance in hell with that idea. No, I’ve got a better idea but it’s going to cost us.”

“I don’t care what it costs, just tell me the plan.”

Brian held his hand out, palm side facing up. “Give me your money.”

“What?”

Brian laid his hand back out again and repeated his request.

“Why my money?”

“Because I don’t have anything on me since Leighanne went shopping this afternoon,” Brian replied sheepishly.

A slight grin tugged at Kevin’s lips. “I see.”

Brian rolled his eyes and took the wad of bills from his cousin. “Just follow my lead, okay?”

Approaching the crowd of growing line of patrons, Brian selected a girl that seemed to be receptive to the idea he had in mind. As the two of them walked up to the line, the girl started acting nervous, whispering to her female companion.

Brian pasted his famous stage grin. “Evening, ladies.”

The girls nodded.

“I was hoping you could do both myself and Kevin here a favor. We have a couple of friends in the bar that we need to get to and take home and that bouncer won’t let us in out of line.”

One of the girls snapped her gum, the look of boredom in her eyes.

“Are you good at acting?”

The two girls looked at each other and giggled.

“What’s so funny?” Kevin growled, his patience wearing thin.

“Sorry, nothing, it’s just that me and Susan here are majoring in drama at FSU, you just happened to pick out someone that can act.”

“Thank God!” Brian smiled. “Okay, we’ll pay you if you agree to help us out.” He held open his hand, revealing the wad of money.

Both of the women looked interested once money was introduced into the plan.

“For that amount of cash, I’d b---”

“Susan!” the other woman cut her friend off. “Okay, tell us what you want us to do.”

Brian outlined the plan for the two girls and handed them the money. After the diversion was laid out, he and Kevin walked back over to where they were originally standing - a few feet from the bouncer. Giving the young women the signal with a slight nod of his head, the plan went into action.

”OH GOD! OH MY GOD! SWEET JESUS!”

“Susie! What’s wrong?”

The woman started breathing fast - almost like she was panting like a dog. Just as Brian was hoping, the crowd started to form a circle around the young girl.

”OH MY GOD! PLEASE HELP ME! I...C-CAN’T BREATHE! I’M DYING!”

“Susie! No, please don’t! God, please!”

Brian managed to sneak a look at the bouncer out of the corner of his eye, and just as planned, the man’s attention was distracted to the drama that was unfolding in the parking lot.

“Help us, she’s not breathing! Please!”

The bouncer took the bait and pushed his way through the crowd towards the girl now laying on the ground. Jerking Kevin’s arm, Brian pulled him to the entrance.

When the bouncer reached the women, the girl laying on the ground, stood up, brushing her pants off.

“HEY, I thought you couldn’t breathe!”

The woman giggled. “That, my fat friend is what we call, acting!”

Standing inside the doorway, both Kevin and Brian scanned the packed bar looking for any signs of Howie or AJ. It didn’t take too long before they both picked up on the commotion from the rear of the bar. Pushing their way through the crowd, it seemed to take them forever to reach where all the action was happening at.

“Oh for the love of God,” Kevin moaned.

Brian could only stand alongside his cousin, his mouth agape. Standing before the crowd, was AJ, swaying back and forth, long neck beer grasped tightly in his hand. Howie was standing helplessly off to the side, wringing his hands.

Kevin rushed over towards Howie. “What the fuck is going on? Why didn’t you stop him!” he demanded.

Howie faced Kevin, his brow knitted in anger and confusion. “Me and what army? You know how AJ gets when he’s been drinking!”

Both Brian and Kevin knew exactly what Howie was talking about. AJ had a stubborn personality - not as bad as Nick’s but pretty comparable. When AJ had anything stuck in his mind that he set out to do, he did it and usually accomplished his mission. Judging by his actions, one of his main goals was to get shitfaced drunk.

“Do you know what brought this on?”

Howie and Brian stared at Kevin in disbelief.

“What the hell kind of dumb question is that?” Brian snapped.

As Kevin opened his mouth to defend his remarks, he was interrupted by AJ as he draped his arm heavily across the man’s shoulder. “Kevy, Kevy Kevin, how the fuck are you?”

Kevin sized his young friend up and down. His baseball cap was cocked sideways, trademark sunglasses were halfway down his nose, smeared with lipstick and fingerprints. “You’re drunk,” Kevin spat.

AJ stared back at Kevin, a mock look of surprise pasted on his face. “Shit, really?”

“Come on Aje, let’s go home,” Brian coaxed as he tried to take the beer from his hands. AJ drew his hand back. “Seriously, AJ, we need to go home, Nick’s probably worried about us.”

Upon hearing his young brother’s name, AJ immediately burst into tears.

“Shhhh, it’s okay,” Howie soothed as he tried to place AJ’s other arm across his shoulder.

Almost as suddenly as he started crying, AJ pulled his arm from Howie.

”FUCK...FUCK....FUCK....FUCK!”

“Shhhh, Aje, people are staring, calm down,” Brian and Kevin admonished.

”THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! FUCKING BULLSHIT!”

“Comeon buddy, let’s go home and talk about this,” Howie asked.

AJ stopped in mid stride, frozen in his tracks. He started shaking his head and laughing like a madman, scaring Brian, his eyes growing wider.

“Come on, let’s go back to Nick’s,” Kevin begged in a hushed whisper.

AJ shook his head furiously. “Nick’s? Nicky’s?” he stated in a slurred voice.

“Yeah, Nicky’s, we’re in Tampa, okay, we’re staying at Nick’s remember?” Brian calmly reminded.

AJ spun around, nearly falling. ”I’M NOT A FUCKIN RETARD LITTRELL, I KNOW WHERE THE FUCK WE’RE STAYING AT GODDAMN IT!”

Brian shrank back, as if the words burned him.

”HOW MUCH LONGER WILL NICK BE AROUND ANYWAYS?”

”AJ!” Kevin barked.

”NO, REALLY, I WANNA TA KNOW,” AJ slurred, swaying as he spoke, taking a long slug from the bottle of beer.

”MONTHS...WEEKS? HOW LONG DID THEY SAY? HOW MUCH LONGER WILL HE BE AROUND?”

”AJ.... THAT’S ENOUGH!” Kevin shouted, grabbing the tatooed man’s arm.

AJ started laughing again. ”YOU KNOW HE’S DYING.. WHY CAN’T YOU SAY IT KEVIN?”

For the first time, Brian noticed that the bar was completely silent. People were turned, staring at the young men arguing.

“AJ, let’s go,” Brian stated, grabbing AJ’s wrist. Kevin grasped the other one and together, they started forcing AJ to walk towards the exit.

Dragging his feet trying to stall, AJ kept on with his laughing jag. He repeated the same phrase over and over all the way through the bar:

”NICK IS SICK.. NICK IS SICK... HE’S SICK!”

Howie merely walked behind AJ, his eyes glued to the floor in front of him as he walked, not daring to make any eye contact with the crowd.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 53

Tucking his wallet into his back pocket, Nick tiptoed down the hall towards the door that led out to the garage. Still being stubborn, he stayed to himself all day yesterday, practically a captive in his own bedroom, but that’s the way Nick wanted it. He had disclosed what was wrong to the guys and Nick wasn’t ready for anything to be told to the men. He secretly had hoped that he would beat the cancer and no one would be any wiser.

Backing out of the driveway, he glanced up and saw Brian standing in the window. He waved, almost a little too enthusiastic, Nick thought, but he reciprocated with a half-hearted wave and drove off.

“Nick leave?” Leighanne questioned from the warmth of the bed, not wanting to get up just yet.

“Yeah, today’s chemo day,” Brian replied sadly. “I should have went with him.”

“Honey, don’t beat yourself up, Nick probably wanted to be alone,” she suggested.

“But he’s been distancing himself again and it’s my fault. He was coming out of his shell about what was going on and I told the guys and blew it.”

“Sweetheart, you didn’t blow it, you told the guys because they confronted you with it, they practically knew, you just reinforced their suspicions.”

Brian hastily wiped the tears from his cheeks before he turned to face his wife. “I’m still worried he’s going to find out about AJ’s drinking.”

Leighanne smiled nervously. “Well, he hasn’t yet so maybe he’ll never know.”

“Let’s pray he doesn’t.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Good morning Nick, how are you feeling this morning?”

“I feel pretty good so far Valerie, but then again, the chemo is only halfway done,” Nick remarked to the young tech. “Ask me again same time tomorrow.”

“That Decadron is supposed to help with the nausea,” the young girl stated as she stocked the cupboards in the private treatment room.

“Well it’s not,” Nick replied through gritted teeth.

“Well I’ll mention that to Dr. Andersen since you’re here. She can probably adjust the med for you.”

Nick rolled his eyes, deciding that nothing could possibly take the nausea away. He hated everything about chemo especially the fact that it can wipe you out the very next day after a treatment and zap his body of energy.

“Oh, Dr. Andersen, I was just about to call you, Nick said that the Decadron hasn’t helped him with the nausea,” Valerie said to the doctor as she entered the room.

The woman grabbed the clipboard and scribbled an order down onto the paper and handed it back to the girl.

“I’ll go get the med,” was the girl’s only reply as she disappeared through the door.

“I can see you’re thinking about something,” Dr. Andersen smiled as she approached her young patient, “what’s troubling you?”

Nick narrowed his eyes at the doctor. “How did you know I was thinking about something that was bothering me?”

“Body language.”

Nick snorted. “Yeah this body reveals so much to a person, doesn’t it?”

“Nickolas, you’re alive and what you look like right now shouldn’t matter, besides, I think you’re a very beautiful person on the inside.”

“Which means the outside looks pretty gross. I’ve seen the looks when people see me in public, I’ve heard the jokes about how fat I look, I’m not stupid.”

“You’re right, you’re not stupid but those people are stupid.”

Valerie returned to the room carrying a syringe and an alcohol swab.

“What’s that?” Nick asked as he watched the woman swab off a port on the IV tubing.

The doctor replied as she injected the medication into the line. “Higher doseage of Decadron.”

“Oh that’s just peachy,” Nick sighed.

“Nick would you rather feel so sick that you can’t eat or drink anything?”

He shook his head. “I just don’t like the side effects of that med.”

“Nick, what did we just talk about?”

“I know.. I know but I’m just getting sick of looking like I’m trying to hide a water balloon under my shirt.”

The doctor placed a comforting hand on the young man’s shoulder. “I know dear, but this should be over soon.”

“What about these stupid mouth sores?”

“Those being bothersome?”

“You have no idea.”

“I’ll give you a script for some oral meds and a topical ointment.” Dr. Andersen studied her patient’s worried expression, the tears in his eyes. “Aren’t you getting the support from your family?”

A few tears escaped the rim of his lids, slipping down his reddened cheeks. “They don’t know about any of this.”

~*~*~*~*~

“What the hell is the media doing camped out across the street?” Kevin roared as he looked out the window for the fifteenth time. “Can’t they give us some privacy? God!”

AJ, Howie and Brian watched as the tall man paced the living room floor, stopping occasionally to move a curtain back and peer out the window.

“By god, they get wind of us recording and they’re all over us like flies on honey,” AJ smirked.

Howie, Brian and Kevin directed their stares to the tatooed man sitting on the couch.

“What? Why the fuck are you looking at me like that?” AJ asked innocently.

“Don’t you remember?” Kevin growled.

“Remember what? What the fuck?” AJ pushed himself back into the couch, preparing for assualt.

Kevin sighed loudly. “Figures McLean, you wouldn’t remember this shit.”

“Would you just tell me what the hell you’re driving at here?”

”The bar, you remember the bar?”

AJ laughed nervously. “Oh that.”

“Yeah, oh that,” Kevin challeneged.

“So I had a couple of drinks, this is nothing to blow out of proportion over,” AJ defended.

“Goddamn AJ! It’s not all about you! You honestly don’t remember what you did the other night, do you?”

AJ started squirming on the couch, shifting his body back and forth, nervously. “I- I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Howie was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the way Kevin was dragging out the information.

“AJ, you got drunk and you shouted to the entire bar that Nick was dying,” Howie blurted.

AJ’s mouth dropped open. “Oh shit.”

“Yeah, oh shit. So now, my friend, Nick’s secret is all over the media and his own folks don’t even know yet and they’re going to find out like the rest of the world - on some stinkin’ rag television show!”

*~*~*~*~*

As Nick turned the corner leading to his house, he saw the vans, camera equipment and reporters clustered on a lawn opposite of his front yard.

“What the hell is this shit?” Nick softly questioned as he got closer to his driveway.

The group of reporters started rushing into the street when they saw the familiar vehicle heading towards them. Hearing them cry out his name and the flashes of cameras, Nick slowed up slightly, but continued to head to his driveway, hopefully to safety.

At a time when he needed the garage door to open, it failed him this time and Nick was left with the only option of getting out of the car with the reporters standing at the edge of his drive. Tugging at the tee shirt, Nick slowly pulled himself out of the car.

”NICK! I CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS?”

”Nick, Carson wants to have a live interview with you right now!”

Nick shook his head. “I can’t today!” he called out over his shoulder.

”DID AJ START DRINKING AGAIN BECAUSE OF YOU BEING SICK?”

Nick froze.

”WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”

”ARE YOU DYING?”

Nick couldn’t move. What seemed like an eternity but in reality was only a minute, Brian came out to where Nick stood, which spawned more questions.

“Brian, what’s wrong with Nick? Did he lose his voice?”

”Does he have cancer of the vocal cords?”

“Don’t listen to them, come on buddy, let’s go inside,” Brian soothed as he placed a gentle hand on Nick’s arm.

Inside, the two men were met with a tearful Leighanne, holding the cordless phone. “Nick, it’s your mother, she wants to talk to you.”

Chapter 54

This couldn´t be happening!

It had to be another evil nightmare. It was bad that he had come back from the chemo and was starting to feel the effects, despite that Dr. Andersen had raised the level on his anti nausea medication. He also mentally slapped himself for not telling the doctor about the stomach ache that came and went. All this as well as having the whole yard swirling with reporters and his mom on the phone was starting to get a bit too much.

Staring at the phone Leighanne was holding, it all felt surreal. There couldn´t be a worse moment for his mom to call him. In fact there was never the right moment. Talking with his mother often left him down and sullen. Much due to that they ended up in disagreement over one thing or another. Nick dreaded thinking what his mother wanted this time.

Taking the phone with shaky hands he tried to get his bearings. The situation in hand was making him dizzy, and his legs had trouble holding him. The chemo session left him drained, totally out of energy and this was what was happening to him at the worst possible time. He scanned around in the room, looking for something to sit down on. As if on cue, Brian provided a chair for him. Sitting down heavily, Nick cleared his voice.

"Nick," he said as normally as he could, waiting for his mother to start yelling at him for not calling her for several weeks.

"Nick, honey is that you?" His mother's voice sounded soft, strangely different than what he was used to.

"Yes?"

"Baby, are you alright?" Suspicion flared up in him when he heard his mother being so concerned. Not that his mother didn´t show feelings, no, it was more that she was often all business and the only times when she was that really concerned and soft voiced was whenever someone else was present.

"Um..yes..why?" Nick coughed, trying to get his bearings.

"Honey, It's all over the news that you're sick." She paused, searching for the right words. "Really sick, Nick. Tell me that it's just another of those rumors. That it isn´t true at all." For a brief moment he thought he heard fright in her voice.

The words hit him like a sledgehammer. How had she found out? The emotions dwelled up within him. Part of him wanted to scream,"Yes mom, yes it´s true." The other part wanted to deny it. It would feel so good if he could stop this charade.

He longed to feel his mother's arms around him, whispering that everything would be all right, stroking his hair, like she used to do when he was younger and before he got so famous. When he was just a lonely boy that needed support, needing someone by his side. His mother had been there for him, comforted him when things were rough and he was tired of it all. But that was years ago.

These days it was all clouded with business.

"Mom, I..I.." he wanted to say the words, wanted her to be there. He was so tired of batteling this fight alone and it would feel so good to give it up. Surrender to his own weakness. He wanted to be the small boy again, surrounded by his mother's love.

As he was going to tell her, not wanting it to be a secret for his family any longer, she broke the silence with words that hit him harder than anything before.

"Baby," she said with false cheerfulness, "there's a reporter here that wants to talk to you and.." Nick didn´t have to hear anymore.

"A reporter?" he snapped.

"Yes honey, he just wants to ask you a few questions and.." His mothers voice drowned off as Nick interupted her.

"You did what?" Nick breathed through his nose, "YOU CALLED A FUCKING REPORTER?"

"Oh baby," his mother's voice sang, "I just thought it would be good clear off all those nasty rumors going around and.."

Nick interrupted her. He was on the verge of saying, "Well mommy dearest those rumors are TRUE!" Yet he stopped himself and instead screamed, "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

Brian and Leighanne looked startled over their friend's sudden outburst. Brian laid a hand on the young man's shoulder, hoping to calm him down. Nick swatted it away. Agitated.

"Nick honey..I..i..just..wan.." His mother started, but stopped as she too felt that this was wrong.

Trying to steady his voice, he said as calmly as he could, "Well tell that reporter that I have nothing to say besides..." he was drawing his breath in before yelling as loud as he could into the phone, "FUCK YOU!" With that, he threw the phone into the wall, shattering it into thousands of pieces. Standing up, a sudden headrush sneaked up on him, almost sending him back down again.

Brian, concerned over his friend held out an arm, but Nick swatted it away abruptly. "I can manage," he said through gritted teeth as he quickly left the room.

He had to get out of there or he couldn´t answer for the consequences. Anger but more likely a sadness, a desperation, unlike anything he had felt before, was eating him from the inside. Tears were welling in his eyes and it felt like he was going to choke. Never before had he felt so betrayed, so vanurable. He couldn't believe his own mother, his flesh and blood had done something so awful to him that he couldn´t even find words.

As he ran down the hallway he heard Howies gentle voice call out for him. He didn´t stop! He felt sheer bliss as he threw himself on the bed, face down. Emotions swirled up in him and slowly, tears started to fall down his cheek, just to pick up pace and then he started to cry for real. It was like the past days or more likely the past weeks events were crawling over him, like claws digging deep holes into his soul. Scratchmarks.

As he was dwelling in his own pity, face buried in a pillow, he suddenly started to laugh. It was all so fucking hilarious he thought. Here he was, Nick Carter, the stud that had more girls than there were days in a year begging to be with him, laying in a room, crying his ass off over his mom that didn´t care squat about him. The yard full of reporters, dying from cancer.

'God, your pathetic!' Nick mumbled as he sat up, 'You can't even manage to get a life during your last months.'

He laughed wildly again as he said to himself, "Now you done it Carter, now you finally went over the edge!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Guys!" Howie came running down the stairs, "I think that Nick's finally lost it. I heard him laughing and..," he stopped as he saw Brian picking up the pieces from Nick's cellphone. "What happend?" He asked in surprise.

With a sigh the young man deposited the pieces into a nearby trashcan. "Nick got a call from his mother."

"That bad?" Howie went silent as Leighanne filled in, "Yes, he got really upset."

"Apparently Jane had some reporter there and Nick had a fit." Brian rubbed his temples. He had been experiencing stress headaches on and off ever since Nick had told him the dreaded news. Now it was escalating again.

"Oh NO!" Howie burst out, covering his mouth with one hand, "No wonder that he was so upset." He said it more to himself then to Brian and Leighanne. "I better go and talk to him,"

"Talk to who?" Kevin had enetered the room and sat down, drawing a tired gesture over his face. "Those journalists won´t leave us alone. I have to call security." He picked up his phone and dialed a speed dial connection. Satisfield with what he had accomplished he said, "That'll do. Now those reporters will be taught not to be so nosey."

"Well if Bone had kept his mouth shut we wouldn´t have been in this mess," Brian stated as he furiously rubbed his temples. Turning to Leigh he said, "We have any tylenol? My migraine is flaring up again."

"Yes hon, I´ll go and look." With that she went away.

"That isn't fair," Howie was, as always, defending his bestfriend AJ. "You all know that this hit him pretty rough and he has a hard time coping with situations like this."

"But he didn´t have to go off drinking." Brian had no understanding for AJ´s behavoir, instead he was very upset that the tatooed man had spilled his beans.

"Enough," the oldest member barked, "It won´t do Bone or Nick good if we argue like this. They need our support and not us fightin'."

"Here you go," Leighanne interrupted the pressed silence as she handed her husband two white pills and a glass of water. Gratefully, Brian looked up as he hugged his wife's stomach, "Thanks honey."

This gesture was something that the rest of the guys picked up on.

"Okay," Kevin started, "When are you due?" He sounded tired as he tried to catch the Littrell couples attention. "and why haven´t you said anything earlier?" There was a bit of hurt in his voice.

"Say what? What do you mean?" Brian was acting like he didn´t know what they were talking about.

"Come on Bri," Kevin said, "don´t think that I haven´t noticed. I was just wondering when you were going to spill the news." He gave a smile.

"You´re expecting a baby?" Howie picked up the senses, smiling, "Man that's some great news."

With her hand on her husband's arm, Leighanne announced smiling, "Yes we are going to have a baby."

Brian grinned widely too, "Yup, you´re looking at a proud father, or a father to be." He laughed as he hugged his wife. Headache and worries forgotten.

"That's just awesome," Kevin laughed as he stood up and gave his cousin the warmest of hugs. "I´m so happy for the both of you."

"Yes," Howie hugged the couple too. "How many months are you?"

"Four months," Leighanne smiled as she stroked her stomach gently. "We're due towards the end of August."

"How cool man." The depressed mood that had lingered over the house for the past days were gone, replaced by laughter and happiness over the upcoming Backstreet baby.

"What's cool?" AJ asked as he came into the room, peering atop his sunglasses. He was suffering from a very bad hangover and had been resting throughout the day.

"Brian and Leighanne are going to be parents," Kevin announced with a broad smile.

"We're going to have the biggest party when that baby is born." Howie said and they all chatted about the great news.

"A baby? Totally awesome." Yet there were no joy in AJ´s words. Instead he said quietly, "What if Nick won´t be around to celebrate?" The words couldn´t have hit worse. The laughter instantly died down and they all looked at each other. Suddenly reminded over the seriousness in the situation.

Swollen Issues II-Chapter 55

Nick was in a dressing room, growing nervous. He was about to do yet another show together with the guys and his nerves were all in knots. It was an unusual feeling since he rarely was nervous while doing a concert. Not at all like the way he had been when he was younger. Back then he was often totally sick to his stomach.

"Okay guys are you ready?" Kevin asked as he stretched his legs, preparing to go onstage.

"Yes!" They all agreed, all but Nick.

"Hold on," he interrupted the guys as they were about to hit the stage. "We haven´t done our 'good luck ritual' yet. All the guys stared at him. As long as Nick could remember they had done that ritual. Standing together in a circle, holding hands, praying for good luck. There had never been a time when they left that out. It would be bad luck.

"That one is old. We don´t do it anymore," Brian explained.

Surprised over hearing this Nick argued, "No, we always do the ritual. If we don´t do it something bad will happen!"

"Something bad has already happened," Brian said, giving away no further explanation.

"That's crap," AJ said as he raised a glass of whiskey to his mouth. "We don´t need that mumbo jumbo."

"That is NOT Mumbo Jumbo, it's.."

Nick stopped, "You´re drinking?"

"So? Why shouldn´t I?" AJ sounded surprised.

"But..but you´re sober." All he got back was a laughter.

"Not any longer he ain´t," Howie sighed as he turned off his cellphone. "I really don´t have time for this stuff anylonger."

"Don´t have time? Come on, this is our life. This is what we always wanted. What's the matter with you guys?" He got no reply, instead Kevin barked.

"Aren´t you ready yet. God, Nick, you are starting to slip like Howie."

"Howie slipping? That's something new." 'What is this, have I died and gone to hell?' Nick thought startled.

"Yes he is only paying attention to his business deals, didn´t you know?" Brian filled in.

"God Nick, where have you been? To hell? And back?" Aj laughed again. 'Was Bone a mind reader?'

"Hurry up now. I really don´t have time for this crap!" Kevin sounded irritated.

"Me neither." Brian sighed, "I rather be home with Leigh and my son.."

"Son? You have kids Brian?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, don´t you remember? Brian laughed.

"Are you guys coming or NOT?" Now Kevin was really irritated and the four of them followed him out on stage. There were screams as they entered the stage. Fans were crowding the place. They were everywhere and they all yelled and held up signs for everybody but not for Nick.

Shrugging it off, he stood on the stage, the stage lights were shining into his eyes making it hot and stuffy. Trying hard to focus on the audience he finally gave up and instead opened his mouth to sing. Nick was met with his worst fear. He couldn´t sing at all. There was no sound. Shocked over the discovery he tried to reach out to his friends. Give them a signal that something wasn't right with him. To his fear he noticed that they didn´t see him at all. No matter how he waved they acted like he was invisible. That he was thin air.

He heard Brian utter, "We're so sorry to tell you all that our little brother Nick passed away last night. He was sick with cancer. He wanted us to do to show and not to disappoint you guys and he also wants you to know that he loves you with all his heart."

"NOOOOOOOOO, Brian!" Nick screamed. He was making a mistake. "I'm not dead!" he shouted. But no one could hear him.

With that he woke up, screaming, drenched in a cold sweat. Disoriented, he tried to focus his eyes around the room. When the cobwebs from his brain cleared, he was slowly realizing that it had been another nightmare. He was plagued by them all the time. Sitting up in bed he noticed that the sheets were all tangled up, wet from his own persperation. God how he hated waking up like this. Night sweats came with his illness and he was tired of waking up sweaty all the time.

Running his hands through his sweat soaked hair he was actually glad that it had just been a dream. There was no way he was going to give up and turn the dream into reality. He was going to show them all that he could beat this. Beat the cancer.

'I need a shower,' Nick thought as he felt both sweaty and sticky all over his body. Glancing at the green digitals on the bed stand he saw that it was in the middle of the night. More precisely 1:45 am. Wolf hour. It was this time a night that most people died, became ill or had babies.

Shivering, Nick stood up, the famous dizziness hitting him, making him waver. He shook it off and then walked towards his bathroom. It was quiet in the house and ironic Nick thought that it was the first time he had the guys over to spend a night with him that it was silent this time at night.

Stepping into the shower Nick closed his eyes as he let the warm water rinse all over his body. It felt good and he relaxed. Water in all sorts and forms had and calming effect. His thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on the door.

"Nick is that you?" Howie called out softly.

Startled, Nick dropped the soap on the floor. Fuck, couldn´t they leave him alone just so he could shower? He was after all, in his own house.

"Yeah."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah."

" You sure?"

"Yes!" God could Howie stop asking him that?

"Okay, just heard that you were up and I wanted to make sure that there were no problems." He then heard Howie leaving.

"Okay," Nick sighed. He loved his "brothers" but sometimes they acted overly concerned over him. Feeling better, he stepped out of the shower and dried himself off with a towel. The excerise had taxed him out and he had to sit down on the toilet lid since an overhelming of exhaustion suddenly crept up on him.

"God," he said out loud,"I´m acting like a eighty year old man!" How he hated this. Hated being sick and weak.

After getting dressed in a pair of boxers he went into his room again, just to be met with Howie sitting on his bed. He had changed the sheets and Nick felt annoyed.

"What the hell are you doing in my room, D? In the middle of the night!"

"Um..I..I heard you scream and got concerned and then I saw the door was opened and.."

"Then you changed my sheets," Nick sighed. He couldn´t be irritated at the Latino that sat there with a concerned expression on his face. A sudden smile toyed in his lips, "Man, would you change my sheets if they were wet from something other than sweat too?" he grinned.

"Dude, you´re disgusting." He pretended to be offended, but smiled instead. "Nope, those sheets are all yours. I draw the line at some things."

"Good." Nick moved over to the bed, "Now scoot over."

"Huh?" Howie looked at the blonde, making no further actions.

"So I can lay down," Nick explained tiredly. "Jeeze D'"

"Uh..I´m sorry," Howie shot up like a rocket.

"Man," Nick laughed, "I´m not dead or anything I'm just.." The words suddenly stuck in his throat when he saw Howie's terrified look at his face. He stopped in midsentence. Then he laid down, arms under his neck.

Howie stood beside him, wringing his hands from nervousness.

"Dude, you wanna sit down?" Nick said after a while. He couldn´t stand seeing Howie so upset and to tell the truth he didn´t want to be alone either. The nightmare had seemed much too real. The Latino sat down without further words on the side of his bed.

"Do you..do you always sweat like that?" Howie asked, still twisting his hands.

Nick licked his lips. "No..not always. But the chemo as well as the cancer makes my body really messed up sometimes."

"Oh." There was silence again. Then Howie said a bit awkwardly, "Brian and Leigh announced that they were going to have a baby."

Nick lightened up, "Yeah isn´t that the greatest news? They will make great parents." After a brief silence Nick said, "So you got ríd of the reporters?"

"Yes," Howie nodded, shining up a bit. "Kev called security and you should have heard how upset those reporters were." He chuckled at the memory. "They were saying that it was a free country and that they had the right to report everything but then Kevin rose his voice and the went away rather upset."

"Yeah I can imagine, Kevin probably barked at them like he did that time when AJ got me drunk on larger, dark larger back in Germany." Nick grinned.

"Yes, probably about as mad." Howie laughed too. "Yeah he was pretty pissed that time."

"I can´t still smell that beer. It makes me gag." Both men laughed. Nick looked at his friend. Howie was the nicest person that he knew and sometimes he didn´t give the guy credit for being so nice. The darkhaired man often was a victim for endless pranks and jokes from Nick. Yet he always seemed to take it with a grain of salt, never getting really upset. Infact, come to think of it, Nick had almost never seen his friend really emotional. And the fear that he spotted in his friend's eyes scared him. It made him unsure.

"'D," he said seriously after a while.

"Mhm..," Howie was in the process of talking about one of their endless memories on the road. He looked up at the young man.

"Do you think that I'll ever get to tour again?" His voice was filled with pain. The self esteem that he felt so strong, that he would beat the cancer, was suddenly gone and he was filled with doubt and fright.

Howie stopped immediatly and then looked at Nick with false cheerfulness. "Ye..yeah..sure you will. We will all tour after this album."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it will be great. We will put on a new show and the fans will go wild and we will tour all over the world and.." he was talking fast like he was afraid that if he slowed down he would say something that he would regret.

"Howie....Howie," Nick interrupted him when he had talked long enough, "Howie, I don´t think I can do all that." His voice was just a whisper. Tears suddenly burning in his eyes.

"Yes you can. We all can do it. Beat the Millenium record." There was false enthusiaism in his friends voice.

"That isn't what I mean." Suddenly it felt hard to talk again. The words seemed to stick in his throat, making it hard to breathe. "What if I never can be able to perform again. You know how I like singing and dancing and meeting all the fans. I'd die if I never get to feel that feeling again. Feel the rush," Nick sighed. "The way I am most of the time I barely have enough strength to wipe my own ass."

Howie chuckled, the he said, "You look at things a bit dark because you're tired. Try to get some sleep and you´ll see that it looks brighter in the morning." He stood up, pretending to yawn. "In fact I´m pretty beat too."

Nick felt annoyed. Why did the guys skirt around his illness like it didn´t exist. "D'" he said slowly, "I´m not tired, I´m sick."

Howie nodded, "More the reason for you to rest."

"NO Howie STOP!" Nick sat up in bed. He felt like screaming. "I don´t have the fucking flu, I have cancer and I might die!" He spat the words out like they burned, studying his friends face.

Howie's always so cheerful expression changed in an instant. He looked at his friend then said in a soft whispering tone, "I know Nick...I know. And I am so terribly sorry." A tear rolled down his face as he bent over and gave his friend a warm hug. " Nicky," he whispered, in the comforting way that only Howie could muster "Everything will be fine, it will be all fine."

Looking up at his friend Nick nodded. He hoped so too, even if he deep down in his heart he somehow sensed that it wouldn´t happen.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 56

Nick stared at his face in the steamed bathroom mirror. The warm shower revitalized his drained body temporarily, but he knew that this would more than likely only be short lived until mid morning when he would feel so tired he would need a nap to make it through another part of the day.

That’s the way his life was getting to be. He was sleeping in increments during the day, like a baby would need. It seemed to be the only way he could deal with the effects of the cancer and the chemo on his body.

Although he slept practically 12 to 14 hours a day, dark bags hung underneath his cloudy blue eyes. His face looked thin and haggard, his skin had dry patchy spots. Scooping up the assortment of ten different meds that Nick had placed on the bathroom counter, he shoved them into his mouth followed by a generous swallow of water.

“Yep,” he breathed as he gazed into the mirror, “your life definately sucks, Carter.”

Padding his way quietly down the hall, he could smell the remnants of breakfast from a few hours ago still lingering in the air. His mouth started salivating when he thought about the bacon and eggs they must have eaten. Nick decided that he was hungry this morning as he walked slowly down the carpeted stairs, his hand gripping the rail tightly.

“Hey Nick good morning!” Brian called out cheerfully as he laid the newspaper down onto the coffee table. This spurred a round of greetings from the rest of the men that were sitting in the livingroom.

“Morning.”

“How are you feeling this morning?” Kevin questioned.

Nick groaned inwardly. This was exactly what he didn’t want to have to deal with and was part of the reason why he hadn’t shared the news of his cancer with the rest of the group. “Same as usual I guess, too early to tell.”

“Judas, you should, god it’s almost eleven,” AJ joked with a grin that quickly left his face when Brian directed a glare at him. “What? What did I do now?”

Brian only shook his head. “Hey Nick, do you want some breakfast? Leighanne saved some of it for you.”

“Yeah, I think I might try to eat something this morning,” Nick agreed. As he started to walk towards the kitchen, Brian walked alongside him. Nick stopped. “I can get my own, you don’t have to wait on me.”

“Um, well yeah, I know, I, um, I’m going to get a refill on my coffee,” Brian lied.

Nick looked at his friend’s empty hands. “So where’s your cup?”

“Oh, ah, it’s still in the cupboard.”

Nick grinned slightly. “Brian, you’re a horrible liar.”

Redfaced, Brian clamped a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “I know, I know. I just thought you’d like some company.”

“Thanks.”

Brian stepped in front of Nick and started pulling plates out of the fridge, setting them on the counter, never hesitating in his moves, he grabbed a clean plate from the cupboard and situated two pancakes and several strips of bacon and placed them into the microwave, punching the buttons.

“Where’s Leighanne?”

“Gone shopping.”

Nick replied with a laugh then stopped suddenly as Brian pulled a carton of juice from the refrigerator. “Oh, skip the OJ Bri, it hurts my mouth, I’ll just get some milk.”

“Sit right there, I’ve got it,” Brian directed when Nick started to get up from his chair.

“I could have done this myself, but thanks, I appreciate it,” Nick smiled.

“I know you could, and you’re welcome,” he replied as he set the glass of milk in front of Nick along with the jug of maple syrup down, stopping a moment to look at his young friend’s face. “You still do the peanut butter?”

Nick nodded his acknowledgment.

Brian shuddered. “That grosses me out, peanut butter on pancakes drowning in syrup.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”

Setting the jar of peanut butter in front of Nick, Brian sighed. “I’m doing this under protest but only cause I know you’re hungry.”

The mircowave chirped, indicating that the food was heated and Brian quickly set the breakfast in front of Nick. He pointed at the empty chair opposite of Nick. “Is it okay if I sit down.”

“Don’t be stupid, yeah you can sit and keep me company.”

Brian sat quietly as he watched Nick prepare the pancakes, spreading a generous amount of peanut butter across the pancakes. He shuddered as he watched the process he had witnessed so many times through the years of touring with him.

“That is so gross, but at least it’s protein, so that’s good I guess,” Brian pointed out.

Stuffing a wad of pancakes into his mouth, Nick nodded.

“It’s good seeing you eat.”

Picking up a strip of bacon, Nick shook his head. “Ya know, I thought I’d never live long enough to hear those words come from anyone of you guys.”

Thinking about those words, Brian’s smile faded. “We were mean to you picking on you about your weight all the time.”

Nick’s eyes locked with Brian’s. “Don’t stress over it, life’s too short, forget about it.”

“I know,” Brian said wistfully.

“So what did Lee go shopping for?” Nick questioned, desperate to change the subject.

Brian groaned. “She said she needed to look for more baby things. I swear that woman is obsessed with shopping.”

“I agree,” Nick grinned.

“At the rate she’s going, I’ll be broke by the end of the month, we’re gonna have to start touring again pretty soon or I’ll have to file for bankruptcy.”

Nick quickly piled his silverware ontop of the unfinished pancakes and scooted his chair back on the tiled floor.

“Oh shit, Nick, I’m sorry, I was just joking,” Brian quickly apologized.

“Don’t worry, I’m okay, I’m just done eating,” he reassured.

“Are you sure?” Brian asked questionably. “You barely touched anything on your plate.”

“Positive.”

“I wasn’t thinking when I said touring--”

Nick sighed as he scraped his plate and quickly rinsed it off. “Brian, would you stop it? It’s okay. I’m planning on working again when I can.” Mumbling to himself, he added “if I live long enough.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” Nick lied. He turned and leaned against the counter. “I talked to Howie last night.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “We talked about the old times together and then touring and I started to wonder if I could ever do that again,” Nick said pensively. “I kinda lost it and bit his head off at first, I hope he didn’t get hurt by it.”

“Nick, I’m sure Howie’s okay. God, what you’re dealing with you have the right to fly off the handle from time to time.”

“I guess I really need to talk to all of them about this, don’t I?”

“You do,” Brian agreed. “But only when you’re ready and only on your terms.”

Nick pushed himself away from the counter. “It’s now or never, I guess.”

Brian followed Nick into the livingroom where the rest of the guys were setting. AJ and Howie were on the couch watching tv while Kevin sat in a brown leather recliner chair, reading a novel.

“Gilligan’s Island? God you guys must really be bored,” Nick joked as he took a seat on the couch.

Howie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, that’s what I get forced to watch when Bone has the remote.”

“Hey, it’s classic television,” AJ defended, laying his prize ontop of the endtable. Howie reached over in front of the man and snatched the controller.

“It’s mine now!” he whooped.

“God no!” AJ rasped, fighting Howie for the device. “There’s no way I’m gonna sit here and watch Wallstreet Week!”

Kevin lowered his book, eyeing the two men that were wrestling on the couch like two teenagers. “Guys,” he growled a low warning.

Nick shook his head, grinning. Kevin was always the parental one of the group. The guys respected him but they also feared him. Although Kevin never showed any violent side to his personality, there was always that chance that it could show up and no one wanted to be on the receiving end of it when it appeared.

Nick’s face suddenly grew serious. “I think we need to talk about what’s going on with me.”

Howie immediately switched the television off, Kevin laid his book down. It was a subject that hadn’t really been openly discussed yet mainly because no one wanted to address it. They all had their own feelings about what was going on with Nick, but kept them inside.

Running the palms of his hands back and forth on the tops of his thighs, Nick sighed nervously. “This is kinda hard to talk about.”

Brian patted Nick on the shoulder. “Just take your time.”

“Well, I guess you probably know that I’ve been sick since we were in Japan, and that doc over there said I had the mumps, but I guess it was the real first time that the cancer symptoms were in full force and I was ignorning them. I told the guy what he wanted to hear I suppose and he ran with that. I was being stupid--”

“You weren’t being stupid Nick,” Howie interrupted.

“I was,” Nick continued. “To be honest with you, this has been going on with me much longer than Japan. I just ignored the warnings that something was wrong. You guys were always saying I was a hypochondriac so I just pushed away a lot of what was going on with me.” Nick paused, looking at the faces of his friends. “But I’m not blaming you,” he quickly added.

AJ cleared his throat before asking hesitantly. “So, what exactly is going on then? Like what are the docs saying?”

“Well, I had tests done after I came back from Cali being at the AMA show with Kevin. I had surgery--”

“You had an operation and no one was told about it?” AJ snapped incrediously.

“It was a scope thing,” Nick explained. “Nothing major. Anyway, they said I had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, stage 3, high grade. It means I have an eighty-five percent chance of beating this within a five year time frame if my body responds to the chemo and radiation therapy.”

“And it is, right?” Howie questioned.

“Well, yeah and no, they started doing chemo quicker than Dr. Andersen wanted to because the tumor was growing a little faster on the spleen I guess. That explains why I my stomach looks fat. Once it shrinks I guess she wants to take my spleen out. It’s infected.”

“It’s working though, right?” AJ pressed.

Nick managed a tight grin. “I hope so.” He paused again as he took in the expressions of his brothers. AJ and Howie sat on the couch, looking stunned. Brian had already known a little about what was going on with Nick but he was still fighting tears in his eyes. Kevin had a stoic look on his face. He looked unattached from the situation, but Kevin usually had a habit of hiding his feelings. Nick theorized it was because of the cancer and that Kevin could relate to it from his own father. He quickly pasted a broad smile on his face. “It’s going to be okay, let’s just take this one day at a time.”

AJ leaned over towards Nick and wrapped his young brother in a tight hug. “I’m here for you Kaos.”

“Thanks.”

~*~*~*~*~

Nick was laying on the couch after taking another one of his daily naps. The guys had told him they were going out to check up on a few friends since they were in the area but Nick knew that wasn’t the truth and he wasn’t going to press them for the answer. He knew they were going to discuss what was going on with the stall in recording with management.

All Nick had asked of the men once he talked to them was to keep the cancer quiet and not to discuss it with anyone. They gave him their word and he trusted them.

Other than feeling drained, today was actually a good day for him. He had been able to eat a little breakfast and he kept it down and the mouth sores weren’t plaguing him like they had. Tomorrow would be another chemo day and Nick dreaded that. He wished all of this was over - one way or the other.

The doorbell chiming pulled Nick from his thoughts.

“Who the hell could that be coming here unannounced?” Nick wondered outloud to himself. He quickly smiled when he decided it was Leighanne coming back from her shopping trip.

He slowly raised his body off the couch. Grinning he started to pulled the door open. “Did you forget your key again?”

His smile dropped from his lips when he was met face to face with the last person on earth he expected to see standing at his front door.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 57

The grin vanished from Nick's face as he eyed the visitor standing on the front steps.

"What are you doing here?"

The two men stood, eyes locked, neither one daring to move. Nick quickly recovered, straightened his stance, running a hand lightly through his hair. "Um, n-no, s-sorry, come in," he stammered nervously.

Bob Carter brushed past his son and offered open arms. "Can I have a hug?"

As Nick accepted the gesture, he winced when the squeeze that the older man place on him put pressure on his tender stomach. The embrace and the smell of his father evoked comforting feelings to him, and for the first time in a long time, Nick felt as if all of his concerns and troubles had vanished.

Pulling himself away from his son, Bob examined Nick's face. "You look like you haven't slept in days."

A sarcastic chuckle escaped Nick's lips. "Nah, I've been sleeping too much lately."

"Lets sit and talk," Bob suggested as he released his light hold from his son's arms.

As they walked toward the living room, Nick glanced warily at the clock, wondering how long the guys would be out. Drawing a breath in, he took the seat across from his father.

Looking at Nick for a few moments, Bob Carter was unsure of where to begin or what to say to his son. He thought that Nick looked ill, but he couldn't place his finger on just what from or why he looked sick. Inwardly he was hoping that it was just because he hadn't seen his boy since he left the family during their winter vacation in Aspen, but deep in his heart he felt that something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

The sound of Nick's voice snapped the older man out of his thoughts. "Huh?"

"I said do you want something to drink? Iced tea, water, coffee or lemonade?"

"Glass of lemonade sounds good to me, thanks."

"Alright, I'll be back in a sec," Nick replied as he stood up and strode from the room.

Watching his son leave, Bob noticed that Nick looked quite a bit thinner than when he last saw him. Thinner in every place but his stomach which he thought seemed odd. Nick's complextion looked dull and blotchy; his blue eyes definitely were lacking the sparkle they normally held and the dark circles under them only drew more attention to his tired appearance.

'Maybe the rumors are true,'he thought to himself. All the signs were out there, but the older man even denied them as he watched Nick's slower stride and sometimes faltering steps as he re entered the living room.

Accepting the glass, he took a quick drink before setting it down. Bob gazed at his son as he searched to end the awkward silence. "So, I heard that Brian's wife is staying here."

"Yup," Nick grunted.

"Brian too?"

"Yup."

Shaking his head, Bob smiled. "You're really not into a conversation this morning, are you?"

"I'm sorry dad, it's just that you showing up here like this has me blown away. I thought you were busy with the girls while mom is with Aaron."

"I was," he agreed, "until I received a phone call from your mother yesterday."

"Oh?" he shifted in his seat, suddenly feeling nervous and uncomfortable.

"She was upset when she called."

Knowing where this conversation could be leading, Nick decided to play dumb. "Upset? Is AC alright?"

"Aaron is fine, just fine. He's been pretty busy."

"That's good. I miss him though, I'll have to plan on doing something with him when he gets back home."

Bob sighed. "Nickolas cut the crap, you know what your mother was upset about! I thought you were raised better!"

Nick narrowed his eyes at his father. "What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

"No I don't!" he replied incredulously. "I really want to do something with Aaron when he gets back. I'm not lying."

Bob Carter's face twisted in anger, turning a deep shade of crimson, twisted in anger. "You're trying to side step this!"

"Side step what?"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"No, I don't! Why don't you tell me so we both know what you're talking about!" Nick rasped.

Bob threw his hands up in exasperation, sighing loudly. "Your mother called me right after she got hung up on, by you---"

"It was a bad connection," Nick interrupted.

"Bullshit!"

Nick flinched when he heard his father swearing. It was something he didn't hear much coming from Bob Carter's mouth, but when he swore, it generally meant that something or someone was going be on the receiving end of the man's wrath.

"Don't interrupt me! You hung up on your mother after you said some pretty filthy words--"

"They weren't directed at mom," Nick defended.

"I said don't interrupt me!"

Nick sunk back further into the leather chair, listening to his father scold him as if he were nine years old again.

"Your mom was upset and in tears and she didn't understand why you said what you said to her. She tries so hard to put you kid's best interests before her own."

Upon hearing the statement his father made, Nick rolled his eyes.

"We've worked hard to get you kids where you are today and you among all of them should be the most gracious and thankful that you have a mother like her!"

Nick shook his head. "Oh yeah, Jane is quite a woman," he snapped back.

Bob jumped out of his seat and slapped Nick across the face with an open hand. "Don't you ever talk about your mother like!"

Nick's hand shot up instintively, covering where the blow had landed. Tasting blood in his mouth, he gave his father a hardened glare, tears welling in his eyes. Bob was continuing on with his lecture, but it was now falling on deaf ears.

The more Nick thought about his situation, the more upset and angry he became.

"She deserved the words and the hang up!" Nick stated tersely, through gritted teeth.

The older man stared down at his son, narrowing his eyes. "What did you just say?"

Gripping the arms on the chair, Nick pushed himself up into a standing position, meeting the old man's face, eye to eye. "I said she deserved those words," he repeated firmly. "She called a fucking reporter and put him on the goddamn phone--"

"Nickolas!" Bob growled.

"I'm twenty-two fucking years!" Nick defended.

"You're never too damn old to respect your parents!" Bob countered.

"I'm twenty-two years old and I'm dying," Nick stated in a voice barely audible as he sank back down into his chair, suddenly feeling dizzy.

"Nick I.." His father stopped his words as he looked at his son," What? What did you say?"

Suddenly losing his nerve about being open about the cancer, Nick tried to brush off the words he had uttered. "Nothing."

"No, I heard you, you said something about dying," Bob pressed, concern etched on his face. "Are you sick?"

Nick buried his face into his hands, trying to cover the tears that were slipping down his cheeks. His father gently reached over and pulled the hands away. "Son?"

Looking at Nick's tear stained face, the tears started to well up in his own eyes. The fears about his son being seriously sick were surfacing once again, and as much as Bob Carter wanted to toss them aside, it was now staring him back in the face, taunting him.

Kneeling down in front of his son, Bob placed a hand on each of the boy's knees, looking up. "Please talk to me Nick, don't shut me out."

Wiping the tears away from his face, Nick's eyes met his fathers. He quickly looked away from his gaze when he felt the tears creeping back into his eyes, a lump formed in his throat. He sadly shook his head, unable to talk.

"Please Nicky, talk to me," Bob pleaded softly.

Upon hearing his father quitely call him by his nickname, Nick could no longer keep his emotions in check and he crumbled into his father's chest, sobbing.

"I'm so scared," he sobbed.

Not saying anything, Bob wrapped his arms around Nick, holding him tight. When he ran his hand onto the back of Nick's head as he tried to soothe and calm him down, he gasped when a tuft of blonde hair came out into his palm.

Nick pulled away from his father's embrace after a few moments and saw the hair still in his hands. Their eyes locked and for a few moments, the only noise in the room was the ticking of the clock on the wall.

Licking his lips, Nick summoned up the courage to finally confess to his father the news he had faught so hard to keep to himself. The guys knowing was bad enough, but now he would have to tell his father and by doing this, Nick had always decided that this would only solidify the inevitable.

He had cancer and he could die from it.

"I'm sick and I don't know if or when I'll get better, but what I'm going to tell you, I want you to do me a favor."

"Anything," Bob softly replied.

"Please don't tell mom or AC or the girls," Nick pleaded.

Bob balked at the idea. "Nick, I can't do that, I have to tell your mother, she has a right to---"

"Just not now, okay, give me some more time?" Bob opened his mouth to speak and Nick once again interrupted his father. "I'll do it when the time is right, just not now, okay?"

Bob Carter nodded, indicating his agreement with Nick not to say anything to the rest of the family. He disliked keeping secrets from his wife, but he had to keep his promise and support his older son. Sitting quietly by Nick's side, Bob listened to the agonizing words his son spoke, seeking desperately to keep his emotions in check.

Nick had cancer. All the dreams and aspirations a parent could ever have was being washed down a virtual drain.

Swollen Issues II-Chapter 58

"Mmmmm..mpf," Nick stirred restlessly in his bed, tossing and turning, sweat drops coating his forehead. He groaned like he was in pain. Bob, who had fallen asleep in the armchair after a long conversation with his son, woke up with a jerk. Squinting against the light on the bedstand he tried to adjust his eyes as his glance fell on the moaning figure in the bed.

Nick seemed to be in the claws of a nightmare, his face contorted ever so often as if he was in pain. Holding a hand to his stomach he tried to seek comfort. The sheets were all tangled and he moved his head back and forth mumbling something uncoherent.

Stretching his joints, the older man stood up and walked over to Nick. Placing his palm on Nick's forehead, he checked for a fever. Frowning, he noted that he was a bit warm, not nothing alarming, but there were definatly a touch of something more.

"Oh Nicky," he whispered as he stroked away a strand of sweaty hair from the taut face. A moan came back in reply and Nick whimpered in his sleep, and for a second it looked like he was about to wake up. "Shhh," the older man soothed. "Shhhh, go to sleep, shhh I will be here." The words seemed to push into Nick's mind and to Bob's relief the pained expression went away. The soothing strokes had a calming effect.

There was a lump in the back of Bob's throat. It hurt him seeing Nick laying there, so vanurable and sick. It made his heart ache. A small tear escaped from his eyes as the realization that his son was sick for real slowly sank into his conscious thoughts. Quickly, he wiped it away with the back of his hand, like he was afraid that someone would see the sorrow that he was carrying.

Bob Carter was not a man to show emotions except when it came to having a hot temper. Nick's lightheartness and emotional state was something that mainly came from Jane. She could be very emotional, even if she often hid it under a mask of makeup.

When Bob noticed that the nightmare seemed to have released Nick of it's grip and his boy wasn´t so restless anymore he decided to go outside. He needed to catch his breath. The days event was rinsing over him like a cold shower, and he had to fight not to break down. Hearing that your child was sick with cancer had to be one of the toughest news you could experience. He wanted to scream outloud, yet he had to be tough, couldn´t break down infront of his own son.

He pulled the sheet over Nick's sweaty body and then stroked his cheek comfortingly. He hesitated before leaning over, giving his son a short kiss on the forehead. Grinning, Bob thought that Nick would freak out if he woke up and saw his dad in such an action. This was usually Jane's area, especially when he was younger. He knew that Nick needed and craved lots of hugs and with a pang of guilt it reminded him that he hadn´t been there for his son lately.

Up until Nick turned nineteen he had been there for him, on and off. Since Jane was busy traveling with Aaron he was often designated to be Nick's chaperone. Not that he had to bother so much with his son, come to think of it Nick's friends had been there for him more than he had. It hurt him, thinking these thoughts. He was far from being the perfect dad, often pushing his son to do better. To succeed. But he had done it all out of love, never thinking that it could be too much for his young son.

Catching one last glance at Nick, he made sure that he was comfortable, and the turned off the bedlamp. He tried to be as silent as he could, since Nick was a light sleeper, especially when he wasn´t feeling one hundred percent. Sneaking outside, he left the door slighly ajar, in case he would need him.

It was after midnight and it was quiet in the house. All were gone but Brian and Leighanne who spent the evening there. With a sigh he picked up the cellphone. He had promised to call Jane as soon as he could, yet he dreaded the phone call. The news that he had received was eating him up from the inside. He wanted to spill his guts, needing the comfort that his wife could provide. Yet he had promised not to say anything to Jane. Nick had been very clear with that he didn´t want anyone in his family to know just yet, and even if he was totally against it he had to respect Nick's decision. Robert Carter was a man that kept his words.

He thought back at the evening that had passed. Relief had been shown in his sons eyes when he finally got to reveal what had been haunting him for the past months. They had talked and talked and for the first time in years Bob felt that they were nearing each other again. A couple of years back, when Nick was with Manda, they had come into arguments with each other. It was no secret that Jane didn´t like Manda. She thought she was destroying Nick's reputation and that she was using him. Personally Bob thought that alot of the bad words that Manda got was uncalled for. Nick had seemed happy, at least in the beginning of their relationship. It had come like a shock that Nick didn´t want to come and live with them in LA and when he had sold his house there, it had been the catalyst that had started the fight.

As a matter of fact they didn´t speak to each other for almost a half a year. Nick was mostly on the road touring, but Aaron had been very upset, missing his brother. Bob had missed Nick too, his liveliness, his goofing around. Yet he had stopped himself from intervening and waited Nick out. Jane had been stubborn as always and she had commented that if Nick wanted anything he could make the first move. And that Nick did, made the first move. Bob never forgot the time when Nick turned up at Aaron's show, an unplanned surprised visit. When he saw the genuine love that the two brothers showed for each other, he knew it was wrong. Wrong to fight and they had made up. But the realtionship wasn´t like it had been before the fight.

Then Tiffany had come into the picture. She was a sweet nineteen old girl that was by Nick's side all the time, mostly standing in the background. Tiffany was the complete opposite of Manda and he had liked her from the beginning. Jane didn´t. Nick however was way too busy to have a relationship and they had broke off rather abruptly. After that Bob watched his son turn towards the life of sex, drugs and rock n' roll! There had been more than one night when he couldn´t sleep afraid that Nick would do something stupid. When the phone call had come that Nick was arrested it was more like a relief than a disaster. Maybe finally Nick would clean up his act and sort out his own life. Jane had been devistated, she wasn´t as forgiving thinking that Nick had stabbed her in the back the way he behaved. Bob on the other hand knew that this was Nick rebelling against the life he had lived since he was a toddler.

He was very supportive over Nick's solo album, and when he had seen the joy that the boy shared for writing songs he had been surprised. He knew that Nick was smart, much smarter than he was given credit for. But that he was a talanted song writer was something that came more like a surprise. And now when he was in his mid of his success, a death sentence was put on the young mans shoulders. His son was slowly dying of cancer.

Biting his lip, trying to get his feelings in check, he pressed the speed dial button on his cellphone. It was late back in LA, but he knew that his wife was expecting the phone call. True to his thoughts it didn´t take many signals before Jane's voice was heard on the other line.

"Hi it´s me," he said as he steadied his voice, trying to sound like nothing was bothering him. He was instantly rewarded wih a scrowling voice insisting that he should have called earlier. After calming his wife down he continued, "I´ve decided to stay a few more days with Nick." The comment wasn´t welcome at all. Instead his wife told him how he was neglecting the rest of his children and that he was needed back home.

Bob wanted to tell his wife to shut up, yet he stopped himself. She had no idea what the reason was for his stay and he couldn´t blame her. They were living a very hectic life with all of their children trying to make it out there in the big world. Aaron was demanding much attention and Jane was there for him 24/7.

He sighed heavily.

It wasn´t that his wife didn´t care for Nick, it was quite the opposite, she was her favorite son. The son that she was most proud of, at the same time as she wanted to control his life. She wanted Nick to be the best, wanted him to succeed and therefore Jane was on his case all the time. He remembered when Nick was twelve and when he wanted to play outside with the other kids. He wanted to play basketball. Bob had thought that it was okay but Jane had told her son that if he wanted to be something he had to work for it, and therefore he was suppose to practice and NOT play. Nick had cried, saying that he didn't have a life, and Jane had responded to that by litterally glueing the mike into his hand. Bob shuddered at the memory. No wonder that Nick had acted the way he did when he got older.

Yet he concluded, his wife had a good heart, even if she sometimes had a strange way of showing it.

"No," he said firmly, "I am going to stay with Nick. He is thinking of buying a new boat." That one was true. They had talked about Nick buying a top speed race boat. It was Bob's dream to own such a beauty and he wanted to be the trottler. Nick was rich enough to afford one and they would go and look for a boat during his stay here. It would do his son good, take him out of the thoughts of sickness.

As he had expected his wife went totally crazy, yelling that he always took Nick's side and that her oldest son was spending way too much money. This had him upset. "Jane" he said in a harsh tone, "it´s not like it seems.." He stopped himself, too close to revealing the secret. He had to bite his tounge from saying too much. "No," he continued, "it´s nothing like that." She was refering to her son and his wild nightlife. "YES, I have spoken to him."

Jane was upset on the other line so he said in a comforting voice, "Yes, I know it was a bad way to act and yes I straightened him...aha, said that to him too." His wife had been hurt by Nick's actions the other day and he wanted to tell her that Nick had his reasons. When the day Jane finds out about Nick's cancer he knew that she would break down. He was her precious gem and if something happened to Nick she would take it very hard.

The conversation seemed to drag on forever, mostly with Jane accusing Bob taking no responsibility of the children and in the end he promised to stay just one extra night, and that he would leave the day after tomorrow. There were too many things going on in the Carter household and to keep peace he had to go back. Besides, Bob decided, Nick had his friends that were there for him, his brothers. Come to think of it there had been little, almost no time for ordinary family life during the past five years. It had all been too hectic, with both of their sons traveling, touring and preforming. It was a never ending job.

As he hung up the phone, he felt relieved that he had managed to hold such a secret and keep it safe. Nick would never had forgiven him if he had spilled his guts. Pulling a hand through his white hair he walked downstairs. The house was big and it was dark inside, leading him to the conclusion that the Littrell's had already gone to bed. As he came down into the big living room, both of Nick's pugs came running towards him, wiggling their tails.

"Hello boys," Bob bent down patting them on their backs. A smile played on his lips as he was reminded just how much Nick loved these small critters. When his son was six he had a period when he was taking care of all homeless dogs and cats. Nick had a certain way to deal with animals and kids. Maybe because he was sometimes acting like he was still a kid. But Nick had been growing up recently. He wasn´t as laughing as much or joking around like he used to. In fact, he seemed to be more sullen and withdrawn. Nick had never been far from laughter, now he seemed like he was often deep in thoughts. The cancer already leaving its marks.

Opening the french door leading out to the poolside, he stepped outdoors, the fresh evening air hitting against him. Walking out towards a bench next to the pool area he was surprise to see that he wasn´t the only one out there.

There on the small bench was a siloutte of a man that he come to know as his sons best friend. "Ehh..Hi Brian," he said as he saw the Kentuckian looking at the stars, deep in thought.

A bit startled, the young man turned around, a smile creeping up on his face when he saw Nick's father, "Hi Bob, you´re up?" He moved over to the bench to make room, then patted with his hand on the vancant seat.

"Yes." Bob sat down, making no further comments.

"Is Nick asleep?"

"Yes."

"He seem alright?" There was concern in his tone of voice.

"As far as I know, yes." Bob stared out over the pool area. Nick had built quite a mansion, the sad part was that he had rarely any time to spend in any of his houses. Jane had decorated the house and it was all in sharp, very tasteful style, yet Bob knew that his son didn´t pay that much attention where he lived and what it looked like. Actually Nick seemed very unconcerned over all kinds of celebrity status. He rarely hung around at the big parties, spending time with other celebrities. Instead he wanted to be like a "normal" guy as he called it.

But Nick's life was anything but normal. He had to have bodyguards with him where ever he went and his friend Mike was the one that often served that purpose. Girls were clinging to him where ever he went and he couldn´t do a thing without it becoming frontpage headlines or being frequently discussed over the internet.

He had once said in a tv interview over in Canada that the touring and hotel rooms was his home and the fans and the guys in the band were his family. The words had hurt Bob like a knife wound, his heart threatning to rip into pieces. Was Nick really that unhappy? Had they pushed their son too far when it came to fame and was they now paying the price?

Thoughts swirled around in his head, only to get interrupted by Brian's soft words.

"How are you taking it?"

Looking at the Kentuckian he found himself admiring the young man in front of him. Being on the road touring with Nick he had come to know the boys quite well especially Brian since he was so close to Nick. To tell the truth a pang of jelousy was felt in his heart, when he saw how his son rather turned to this young man, than to his own parents. It was with Brian he spoke when he was having problems or feeling low. He was the only one allowed to come really close to Nick, and it hurt him to see how the two friends had drifted apart when Brian married Leighanne. It was like it ripped something in their friendship. Nick had a habit of acting like he wasn´t bothered over the situation, but Bob knew better. He was screaming for help.

About to say to Brian that everything was fine and he could deal with it, his words suddenly got stuck down his throat. He had to swallow hard to keep the tears from coming.

Seeing this Brian put an arm around the older man's shoulder, tears in his own eyes. "It´s okay," he whispered, "it´s okay to cry."

With those words, the damm broke and Bob started to cry without any bounds. After letting out all of the desperation he felt another emotion flared up within him. Anger and frustration.

How come that Nick had told Brian that he was sick and not him and Jane? His own parents! He felt betrayed. Betrayed by his own son!

"How long have you known?" he spat as he regained his composure again.

Brian shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with his hands, not looking Nick's father in his eyes he said, "A few weeks." It was actually almost a month. A month with one incident after another. A full month knowing that his bestfriend was sick. Terminally ill. There was no telling what the next month would be like. Brian didn´t dare to think so far ahead.

A few weeks! Bob took in the words slowly. Even if he liked the Backstreet Boy it still hurt him like a thorn in his heart that Nick had turned to him instead of telling his own father. Were they such bad parents that not even their oldest son felt uncomfortable talking to them? Bob felt like one gigant failure.

It was like Brian sensed how painful the words were as he added with a chuckle, "You know how Nick is." The words didn´t help at all instead they made Bob even more sad.

"No," he said, "no I don´t know how Nick is. Tell me." Surprised over that he uttered such words a feeling of fright came over him. Was it true? That he didn´t know his own son? That Brian knew him better?

"Listen," Brian said, compassion in his voice, "it doesn´t matter WHEN he said it. What matters is THAT he has told you." Brian breathed in, "What did Jane say?"

"She doesn´t know anything." Bob sat up, his hands to his face, "How bad is it?" He whispered, afraid that if he asked the question out loud the answer would be even worse than he expected.

Brian shook his head, voice thick with emotions. "I´m going to be honest with you," he mumbled, swallowing down the lump that was in the back of his throat. The lump of tears. "Nick has Hodgkins Stage III and if he doesn´t go into remission there is no telling what the outcome will be." He held his breath, waiting for a reaction.

And the reaction came, "Then..then it is..true then." The words were barely audible.

"What is true?" Brian's tone were soft.

"Tha..that he is..that my son is dying." The words got stuck down his throat and Bob coughed hard, wicing as it felt like he would choke.

"I..I don´t kn..know," Brian felt like he was going to explode, seeing the pain that Bob was carrying. The pain that only a parent could have. The fright of loosing your child. He shivered into the warm night. Hoping with all of his heart that he would never have to experience such a pain.

"Is it..I mean does it get bad sometimes?"

"You mean the chemo?" Brian asked.

"Yes,"

The young man nodded, "Yes..yes it does. Sometimes the nausea is very bad, but Nick gets medication for this, so the last times have been a bit better." He tried to sound hopeful. Bob gave no response he just nodded, too much in shock to grasp the reality of the situation. Then a silence followed, silence that was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"Brian," Bob said after awhile.

Saying nothing the young man turned his face towards the older man, his eyes questioning.

"I just want you to know that Nick is lucky." Bob had trouble finding his words.

"Why?" Brian didn´t follow the words.

"Because he has you as his friend." Bob smiled through his tears. "I want to thank you for being there for him, helping him out." He looked with sincerity at the young man next to him. "Nick really loves you and Brian you mean so much to him." The words were barely a whisper since his voice threatned to break down.

Brian, tears in his eyes replied, "Well the feeling is mutual. You have a pretty awesome son too." He smiled paley.

Bob couldn´t help to chuckle, despite the sadness he felt, "Yes," he agreed, "you´re right, Nick is special." As he said the words an arrow shot through his heart. He couldn´t bare to loose his oldest son. Life couldn´t be so cruel.

Swollen Issues- Chapter 59

It was his father's dream.

Ever since Nick was a small boy, living in Jamestown, he had heard his father talking about the ocean and how great it would be to own his own boat. Especially a racing boat. One day when his father had finished the restaurant for the night, Nick curled up in his father's lap. Bob had talked about the boat. Saying that as soon as they could afford it they would go down to coast on a vacation. Yet it was just a dream since money was not something that the Carter's had little of. Wrapping his small arms around his father's neck Nick breathed, "Daddy, when I get old I will buy you a fast boat. I promise." His father chuckled, "Yes Nickolas," he had said, "Yes, I´m sure you will."

It had sounded so far fetched at the time, and now almost 17 years later they were there. Ready to fulfill his fathers dream.

Looking through his bangs at his father, Nick thought that Bob looked like an excited boy that got his first bike. He talked fast and with an entusiasm that told them that this was one of the best moments in his life.

"This baby will purr like a kitten," the salesman said as he talked about how much horse power the motor had with it's inboard motors. "I tell you the girls will LOVE it," he flashed a toothy white smile on a tanned complexion.

Not answering he just nodded, sending his father into frown. As their eyes met Nick gave a smile back, reassuring his father that everything was just fine. He was afraid that it would upset his father even more. It was not that he wasn´t excited, not on the contrary he was just as happy as Bob. What lay like a cloud over his happiness was the lingering pain that he felt in his stomach. The pain had become more evident in the last week, and on top of that he felt totally exhausted. Yet this was not something he would reveal to anyone since that could spoil his father's excitement. Instead he was set to tough it out. When his father was reassured that Nick was fine he turned back to the salesman, the young man listened, like a shadow in the background. A nice, warm feeling filled his heart as he thought that he was finally being able to make his father really happy.

There had been some rough times during the years and in some period Nick and his father didnt even talk to each other. There had been times when Nick had wished that he would never have to see Bob again. All those bad feelings were gone now and all Nick wanted was to please his dad. And today this was a reality.

When it came to his mother he hoped that he had already been able to fulfill some of her dreams. He knew that she had a dream of becoming a singer and that she had started to take on a profession as a preformer when she got pregnant with him. Not being able to afford taking singing lessons she had to give up her plans and then they had started a small restaurant in Jamestown. They had no money at all and Nick had a vague memory of living in a small apartment above the resturant. His dad worked often late hours and when his sisters came they worked more than full time. Nick's early memories from Jamestown wasn´t so happy since his father was always exhausted and his mother was busy with his siblings. Nick was pretty much a boy that had to handle things on his own. Suddenly his dad had developed stomach problems and one day he decided to quit his business and they moved to Florida.

It had been the start of something new.

When his mom had noticed Nick's singing talent she had sent him off to all sorts of auditions. He also took singing and acting lessons. At first Nick had thought it was rather fun, but it was a hard times work. He had to practice all the time and there were times when he had to preform even if he would rather had played with his friends out on the playground.

A memory when he was 9 years old, auditioning for some cereal commercial, popped up in his head. He had cried, not wanting to do it since he hadn´t been feeling well. His mother had pushed him, saying that there were times when you had to do things that you didn't like, and that he had to set his own feelings aside. It came with the territory of becoming famous. He had went on with the audition, nearly passing out from pushing his limits. Always trying to do his best. When he had returned from the audition it turned out that he had a fever of 103! No wonder that he had felt like crap.

There were years of hard work behind him. Striving to reach his mothers goal. To be a preformer. Famous. 'Ironic,' he thought, 'Now when he had fulfilled his parent's dreams and it was time to work on his own, his days were numbered.'

His dream even since he was 7 years old was to give out a soloalbum. He had worked for a year on material and now when it was time to go into the studio he had no strength to do so. The cancer was taking it's toll on his body, more than he ever wanted to admit.

He was also in the process of going into the studio, to start to record the new Backstreet Boys album, and since he didnt want to let the boys and fans down that was his number one priority. His own dreams had to wait. As always.

"Are you alright son?" His fathers concerned voice broke the wall of thoughts.

“Huh?”

“You looked like were spacing out, are you feeling okay?” Bob asked with concern in his voice.

Nick gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. It was the endless questions that he was sick of answering from the guys and now it was from his father.

“Yup,” he replied tersely.

Sizing his son up and down and taking note of his body language, Bob was about to say something when the salesman approached them, papers in his hands.

“Man,” he grinned, “I always hate having to do credit checks, but it’s part of my job and I knew you wouldn’t have a problem getting approved, in fact I could have sworn once I keyed in your sosh number, the printer took off like Osama binLaden running from the caves.”

“Nice anaology,” Nick mumbled, wishing the transaction could be finished so he could get into the car and go home.

The salesman flashed a toothy grin and pulled a pen from his pocket, clicking the barrel. “Okay, the bank’s approved the loan and all you need to do is sign on the following pages where I’ve marked it with an X.”

Nick accepted the pen from the man and walked over to a small table where the man laid the contract out. As Nick bent over to sign the form, a sharp pain raced through his stomach causing him to take a sharp breath in. He quickly straightened up. The salesman heard Nick’s gasp and studied his young customer.

“Are you alright?”

Nick rolled his eyes beneath closed lids. There was that hated question again. “Yeah, I’m fine, I guess I’m a little warm.” He looked at the contract laying on the table. “Is there someplace where I can sit and sign the papers?”

“Sure, follow me,” the man replied as he scooped the papers into his hand and trudged towards some desks that were surrounded by smoked glass cubicle walls.

Bob rushed up behind his son and took him gently by the elbow. “You look a little pale to me, are you sure---”

”I said I’m okay!” Nick snapped. “Let’s just get this overwith and go home.”

“Nicky, are you sure you want to do this?” Bob asked, hurt creeping into his words.

Ignoring his father’s comments, Nick slowly took the seat across from the salesman and picked up the pen. “Where do I sign again?”

The man walked around his desk and leaned over Nick’s shoulder, the gold heavy gold chain bracelet made jingling sounds as he gestured towards the spots on the documents, the heavy smell of Canoe cologne hung in the air almost making Nick gag. “Here.. and here... and over there.”

Nick quickly scribbled Nickolas G. Carter on all of the spaces indicated and laid the pen down.

“No, the pens yours to keep, compliments of Starwind Seacraft,” the salesman grinned and offered an open hand to shake on the deal.

Offering a weak handshake in return, Nick stood up and took a faltering step back and landed hard back into the chair.

“Nick?”

He swiped at his father’s hand as he reached out to him. “I’m just clumsy,” he lied. He didn’t want to admit that he just had a wave of dizziness come over him. That would only lead to more ‘Nick are you okay’ questions and he had more than he wanted to hear.

~*~*~*~*~

The drive back to Nick’s was quiet, and uneventful, both men deep in their own private thoughts.

Walking into the house from the garage entrance, Nick was immediately greeted by a swarm of dogs, all yipping and begging for their master’s attention. Nick barely aknowledged them as he pushed his way through towards the cupboard that held his meds. Bob quietly took note of his son’s mannerisms. This clearly wasn’t the son he knew, Nick always played with his pets and today he seemed to be bothered by their presence.

He sadly watched his son pull one prescription bottle after another, dumping different pills out onto the counter.

“How many of those things are you taking?”

Nick sighed. God, more questions. “Twelve, but this is the mid day meds.”

Bob’s mouth dropped open in shock. ”Twelve?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Nick filled a tall glass with water from the tap and scooped the pills into his free hand and shoved them into his mouth, tossing them back down his throat with the drink of water. “Yep, life sucks, don’t it?”

The older man shook his head in sadness. “How long have you been carrying this burden and not telling anyone?”

Dumping the remaining water into the sink, Nick turned and faced his father. “Probably since the Japan tour stop. Doesn’t really make any difference, nothing would have changed things. I knew something wasn’t right with me, but I denied that it could have ever been something as bad as this.”

Tears welled up in Bob Carter’s eyes. “Oh Nick, god, you should have come to your mother and I.”

“No, it’s been fine just the way it is dad, I wouldn’t have done anything different,” Nick sighed.

Bob gently took his son by the shoulders. “Nick, I want you to come fly back to California with me. We want to take care of you.”

Nick placed his hands ontop of his father’s forearms and gently pried them off his shoulders, ducking away from his grasp. “No, dad, my life is here in Florida, you don’t need to take care of me, I’m doing okay. Besides, Brian’s here so it’s not like I’m alone.”

“Nick, quit kidding yourself,” he replied, his voice cracking with emotion, “cancer is very serious.. you could, well you know it could happen--”

“Oh the dying part?” Nick sing-songed as if it were some game they were playing now. “I’ve got that covered dad, Brian’s my patient advocate.” He studied his father’s shocked face as he paused. “You see, I know what’s happening to me and I’m planning for it.”

Bob’s only reaction was his tanned face starting to take on a paleness. Nick nonchalantly patted the older man on the back.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to take a nap, this boat shopping wore me out, god knows you have packing to do so you won’t miss your flight in the morning. I’ll see you at dinner.”

Caught up in his emotions, Bob hasitly wiped the tears from his cheeks as he watched his son walk out of the kitchen. “Nick?”

Nick stopped and slowly turned around. Bob rushed up to his son and wrapped him in a tight bear hug and Nick reciprocated the action. Both men wept quietly.

“I love you Nick,” the older man cried into his son’s shoulder.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 60

Kevin sighed heavily as he tossed his copy of sheet music onto the control panel in the studio. Propping his elbows on top of the counter, he placed his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

“Headache buddy?” AJ mumbled as he manuvered his way around Kevin’s body in the cramped quarters of the sound room.

Kevin’s only reply was a gunt and a slight nod of his head.

“I’ve got some Tylenol in my bag,” Howie offered as he scooted his chair back.

Kevin waved him off. “Don’t bother, it’s probably just a tension headache and I doubt that Tylenol would kill it.”

“Hey did Brian say how long Nick’s chemo would take?” AJ wondered outloud as he glanced at the clock on the padded wall.

“I dunno, I guess I never asked and he probably never said anything about it,” Howie replied as he rumaged through his black duffle bag. “Here Kev, take a couple of these.”

Kevin glanced over at Howie’s open palm. “I told you I didn’t need any fuckin’ Tylenol.” His voice was icy and Howie instantly drew his hand back. Quickly realizing he hurt his friend’s feelings, Kevin raked a hand through his hair and stood up. “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I’m just a little tired I guess.”

Howie smiled slightly at his older brother. “It’s okay Kevin, I just want to help you.” He again held the pills out.

Uncapping his water bottle, Kevin finally accepted the tablets and popped them into his mouth followed by a generous gulp of water. “Thanks D.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Nick, are you sure you’re up to doing this?” Brian questioned as he warily eyed his best friend’s slouched figure in the passenger seat.

Licking his lips, Nick’s reply was barely audible. “Yeah, I have to.”

“No, you don’t have to do anything, we can wait.”

Nick slowly shook his head. “I’ll be fine and besides, we can’t wait, I’ve made you guys wait too long.”

“I don’t know about this, what if you start throwing up?”

“Then I throw up, life goes on, no big deal, besides, I promise I won’t throw up today, okay?”

Pulling into the parking lot of the recording studio, Brian shook his head. “Like you can control when you throw up.”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. As he unhooked the seat belt, he winced when his stomach quickly protested the change in positions. “A guy can dream, can’t he?”

Brian eyed Nick suspiciously, he heard ‘something’ in Nick’s voice when he made the last remark.

“Nick, I can hear that you feel like shit. We should just cancel this session.”

Nick waved Brian off and exited the car.

“Nick, please, I’ll just go in and tell the guys you aren’t up to this today,” Brian pleaded.

Nick sighed as he turned to face Brian across the top of the car. “Look, this is something I need to do for everyone, me included. This shit isn’t going to control me, I have to control it and the only way to do this is to just tough it out and carry on like everything is normal. Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?”

“But Nick--”

“Drop it,” Nick growled. “I’m going in there with or without your blessing so you better just follow me in.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Brian stepped around the car and stood, watching Nick struggle to get his backpack out of the back seat. Feeling defeated, Nick leaned against the side of the vehicle.

“Can I get that for you?”

Nodding slightly, Nick grinned. “Yeah, I guess I’m a little weak this morning.”

Brian pulled the backpack out of the car effortlessly and slung it over his shoulder. “Gosh this thing is kinda heavy, what the heck do you have in here?”

Answering as he walked toward the studio door Nick listed the contents of the backpack. The items listed hit Brian and sent a shooting pain in his heart. No longer was the back pack stuffed full of CD’s, video games and comic books for Nick to pass the time away, it now consisted of medications, bottles of water and a journal.

Desperate to recover from the overwhelming emotional feelings, Brian tried to make light of the situation. “Yeah I thought I heard rattling in the bag, must be the meds.”

“Yeah, probably,” Nick grunted in reply. His stomach ache seemed worse to him this morning and he wanted to ball up into a corner until it passed but continued to hide his feelings as they entered the cool, dark hallway of the studio.

“Are you sure you’re feeling up to this,” Brian questioned again as he saw the paleness of Nick’s face and the beads of sweat on his forehead.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you,” he stated quickly as he pushed the restroom door open and dashed in.

“Nick? Are you alright?” Brian called out.

“Uh-huh,” Nick muttered, trying to push the burning taste of bile back down his throat. He wondered when the anti nausea medication would start working. They had assured him when they hooked up the chemo this morning that the med would be issued first to prevent any severe nausea. Catching a glimpse of his sweaty, pale complextion in the mirror Nick stared at the image for a moment.

“Nicky?”

Nick quickly turned the water faucet on, cupping the cool water in his hands and splashing it on his face. Not looking up when he heard the door squeak open, Nick continued to splash the water onto his face over and over again. He stopped briefly when he felt Brian’s hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

Splashing more cold water into his face Nick didn’t reply at first, but Brian’s hand patting him on the back told him that a reply was needed to ease his worried friend’s mind.

“Just peachy.”

“Did the chemo make you sick again?”

Nick rolled his eyes underneath closed lids. He wanted to scream out ‘No dumbass, I have the flu’ but kept his anger in check.

“I dunno, I think it’s a case of nerves,” Nick decided outloud. He stopped for a moment, letting the words he had just spoken imprint on his mind. “It has to be nerves, they gave me some meds before the chemo.”

“Do you have anything in the bag that you can take?”

Nick shook hs head as he turned off the water and pulled the paper towels out of the dispenser, wiping his face. “There is, but I don’t think anything on my stomach right now is such a good idea. I’ll wait it out for a bit and see if this passes.”

“Well don’t be afraid to stop if you don’t feel good, okay?”

“Brian, I said I’ll be okay.”

“Please Nick, promise me you’ll stop if you get tired.”

Seeing the sorrowful look in Brian’s blue eyes, Nick relented and promised that he would stop if he felt tired. He didn’t have the heart to tell him that he felt tired right now, but that was a normal feeling lately, zero energy.

“I’ll do what I can do, okay?”

”Nick?”

“Alright, I’ll stop if i get tired,” Nick agreed. If Brian knew how tired he was at that moment, he would have stopped him. Wadding up the used paper towels, Nick tossed them into the basket and pasted a smile on his face. “Let’s go and get started before I change my mind.”

As they got closer to the room the where the guys were waiting, the sound of music was floating in the air. Pushing the door open, Nick found the men huddled around Kevin and the piano, harmonizing.

A mischevious grin spread on Nick’s face as he leaned over and pressed the button for the intercom to the recording room. “Ya’ll suck,” his voice quietly announced, startling the guys.

AJ’s response was a playful middle finger sticking into the air.

“Do you want the bag in there?” Brian gestured toward the room where the men were with his head as he held the backpack.

Nick shook his head. “Just grab a water, okay?”

Setting the bag onto a revolving chair, Brian unzipped the bag and pulled out a large bottle of Aquafina, handing it to Nick.

When the two boys entered the room, Nick was questioned by AJ and Howie immediately.

“How did the chemo go?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “Same old shit.”

Howie sized up his young friend’s face, concern in his eyes. “You feeling up to this?”

“I’m getting sick of answering that question,” Nick breathed.

“Okay, then I guess that means yes,” AJ quipped.

Taking a seat on a wooden stool Nick uncapped his bottle of water and took a small sip. “Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here.”

“Nick, this is the song we’ve been working on this morning,” Kevin announced as he laid a sheet of music and lyrics down on the piano.

As Kevin outlined the details of the song, AJ couldn’t help but study his younger brother. He could have sworn that Nick’s stomach looked bigger to him this morning than it was last week. His shirt seemed to be clinging to it and AJ dismissed his thoughts figuring he was just looking at things too objectionably. He quickly changed the direction of his stares when Nick pulled the shirt away from his stomach, trying to fluff it out.

AJ leaned into Howie and whispered, “Is it just me or does Nick’s stomach look bigger?”

Stealing a quick glance, Howie shrugged his shoulders. “I really haven’t noticed.”

“I’m going to play through your part a couple of times so you get the feel for it and then we’ll have you try it out,” Kevin stated as he sat down on the bench. Stifling a yawn, Nick nodded.

Catching the yawn, Kevin studied Nick’s face. “Are you feeling up to this?”

Nick sighed dramatically. “Yes, for the millionth time, I’m fine okay? This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you guys about the stuff that was going on with me!”

“We’re just concerned,” Kevin defended.

“Yeah and it’s our right to know what’s going on with you,” AJ added.

Shaking his head, Nick replied, “I’m going to ignore you even said that stupid comment AJ.”

Brian slapped the back of the tattooed man’s head, immediately bringing a hand up in defense from AJ. “Why did you do that?”

Leaning in close to AJ’s ear, Brian breathed, “Because you needed it!”

As AJ lifted his hand up to retaliate Kevin glared. “AJ! Stop!”

“Judas, I always get blamed,” AJ grumbled, dropping his hand, sinking back onto the stool next to Nick.

“Better you than me for a change,” Nick grinned. His smile suddenly disappeared as quickly as it came when a sharp pain shot across his stomach, taking his breath away from him. Quickly placing a hand over his stomach, Nick silently prayed that no one in the room noticed his pained expression.

“Okay Nick, I’m going to start play the song through,” Kevin announced as he adjusted the bench.

Brian kept his eyes on Nick as Kevin played the song, he could tell that Nick definately wasn’t feeling well this morning despite all of the protests and assertions contrary to the questions. He worried about Nick pushing himself too far, but Nick was always and forever doing that since the day the group started. Singing onstage when he was sicker than a dog with a temperature and the flu. There were too many times to count that buckets were strategically placed at opposite ends of the stage for Nick to dash off and throw up if he needed to when they toured. Ninety percent of the time though, his upset stomach was because of a night out with AJ rather than the flu.

“Nick,” Kevin paused playing, “this is your part.”

Nick nodded and listened intently to the music as he read the lyrics. When Kevin finished the song, he asked if Nick wanted to try his part before they tried out the whole song.

Taking a sip of water, Nick signaled with his hand and nodded. At first, the sound that came from Nick’s mouth when he sang sounded gravelly and weak.

“Whoa... whoa, hold on a sec,” Nick interrupted, his cheeks turned slightly pink from embarrassement. He coughed, cleared his throat and took another sip of water. “Let’s try that one more time, sorry.”

Kevin eyed his younger brother, concerned etched on his face. “Are you sure---”

“Let’s try this again please,” Nick interrupted with an edgy voice.

As Kevin started playing Nick’s part again, all eyes were focused on him. Amazingly, Nick’s voice became clearer and stronger and Brian couldn’t help but beam with pride as he listened to him sing. Tears welled in his eyes as he watched, disbelieving that any of this could be happening to Nick. Pinching the corners of his eyes by his nose, Brian tried to keep the tears at bay but was becoming unsuccessful. He quickly stood up and pushed through the heavy sound room door.

"I guess we take five," Kevin sighed. "I'm going to see if Brian's okay."

Walking out into the dark hallway, Kevin didn't have to go far to find his cousin sitting on a flowered couch, head bowed. Wordlessly, he sat down beside Brian, wrapping an arm around the man's shaking shoulders.

"I'm sorry I fell apart in there," Brian whispered.

Kevin's only reply was hugging his cousin tighter.

"I try to keep it together for Ni..him, but I c-couldn't," Brian sobbed. He half laughed at himself. "God, look at me, I can't even say his name."

"It's okay, you're upset," Kevin soothed. "This is hard for all of us."

The footsteps padding on the carpet indicated that someone was approaching and both Kevin and Brian looked up to see who was invading their privacy.

"Is everything alright?" AJ asked, peering over the top of his sunglasses.

"Everything's fine," Kevin assured. "Go back to the soundroom, we'll be there in a minute."

"I'm going out to have a cigarette, Nick said he was going to take a quick nap so I thought I'd go have a smoke," AJ explained.

"Go have your cigarette but be back after that, we need to get this recording done today," Kevin directed, running a hand through his hair. Glancing up, he saw Howie leaving the recording room. "What the hell is he doing?"

"Is everything okay?" Howie questioned as he approached.

"Everything is fine, why aren't you there with Nick?" Kevin asked as he stood up.

"I doubt Nick needs a babysitter, besides, he's taking a quick nap, he said he needed a power nap," Howie defended.

Kevin started walking towards the room with Brian and Howie tagging along.

"I'm going out to smoke," AJ announced as trudged toward the exit.

Stepping into the control room, Kevin's eyes scanned the recording room for Nick. "Where is he?"

Howie pointed towards a corner of the room. "Down there, on the floor. He said he wanted to lay down and well, you know how Kaos is, he always sleeps where ever he can."

Kevin's grin faded as he looked at Nick's sleeping form on the floor. There were so many things Kevin saw that he was sure no one else could see. He'd seen it with his father and now he was seeing it with his younger brother. His heart ached with the memory of his dad and it ached with the knowledge of things that could be coming for Nick.

"Kev?" Brian stuck his face in front of the older man's.

Startled, Kevin jerked. "Huh?"

"You pulled a Nick, you were zoning out on me, I asked if you wanted to just sit in here or do we get started back in the recording room?"

Kevin rubbed his face with his palms. "Let's just sit in here for a bit and let the kid sleep. God knows he needs it."

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 61

Sitting on the exam table, waiting for Dr. Andersen to come in, had Nick thinking all sorts of thoughts. The hopeful word remission popped into his head once or twice. She never elaborated why he needed to come to her office ASAP, just that she needed to see him.

Nick started planning in his mind all the things he could start looking forward to without the worries of the chemo, never knowing when he would be sick one day to the next. There was the new CD, the eventual release of his solo CD, and now the racing boat that he purchased for his father. This was going to give him more opportunities to be with Aaron from time to time and that was part of the reason why Nick had plunked down a little over a quarter of a million dollars for the watercraft.

He stiffened as the door creeked open, Dr. Andersen entering the room as always, his growing chart in her hands.

“Good morning Nickolas.”

“Good morning Dr. Andersen,” Nick grinned nervously. He waited for a smile back from the woman, his heart sank when he was greeted with a tight, phoney smile.

“I asked you to come in because there was some confusion with the results of your blood draw the other day,” the doctor started out as she thumbed to the page where the blood results were. “It showed your liver enzymes were elevated. I want to have another draw done today, hopefully it was a clinical error on the lab’s part.”

“What does it mean if it wasn’t a mistake?” Nick questioned anxiously.

“There are too many things that would point to that Nick, let’s just take this one step at a time. I’m going to have April come in and take your vitals and draw the blood from your port and have the test redone and I’ll be back in a moment.”

Sighing heavily as the door clicked shut, Nick waited for the nurse to appear and get things started so he could escape the office and enjoy his day. He was feeling pretty good up to this point but now that the hopes of good news of remission had been thrown away for the moment, he was starting to grow bored and impatient.

After the young nurse came in and did Nick’s vitals including the dreaded scales to check his weight, she left the room and Dr. Andersen returned.

“You’ve lost ten pounds since last month?”

Nick glanced down at his swollen stomach. “Yeah hard to believe.”

“Not eating well?”

“I eat when I can there are some days I just can’t do it, but I try,” Nick replied in an apologetic voice.

“You really need to try a little harder. Nutrition is important. Your blood pressure is low too. Are you fatigued often?”

“I’m tired 24/7 but I’m getting pretty used to it. I take power naps during the day, it’s the only way to deal with the chemo.”

“You wouldn’t let me check your stomach the last time I did an evaluation, I really would like to do a full evaluation this morning,” Dr. Andersen stated in an authortative voice.

“I know I did, but it gets sore sometimes,” Nick said wistfully as he placed a protective hand on his stomach.

“Sore? Does the pain come and go?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “No, not really.”

The doctor peered over the tops of the glasses that were perched on her nose. “Not really? Nick, you have to be honest with me, I can’t help you if you don’t help me. Does it stick with you all of the time?”

He could feel the tears burn in his eyes. Not trusting his voice, he shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, “I guess not, I don’t know,” Nick lied.

Dr. Andersen approached her young patient and directed him to lay down on the table, a supportive hand on his back as she guided him to a laying position.

“I’m going to check your abdomen, let me know when it hurts,” she said before she pressed a hand into Nick’s stomach. Each time she pressed in an area, the doctor looked at her patient’s face for an indication of pain. Every press brought a wince from Nick, but no remark about pain. “Hurt?”

“Just uncomfortable,” Nick replied in a short breath.

When Dr. Andersen pressed down onto Nick’s liver, he gasped at first and then screamed out in pain. Doubting her touch, she apologized before she pressed down onto the liver area. Nick’s response was a sharp gasp followed by panting breaths.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry I had to do that,” the doctor apologized again. She started to reach out to touch Nick’s stomach again when he suddenly grabbed her arms and pushed them away.

“No more.”

Sweating and taking quick, short breaths, Nick was barely able to sit up. She had hurt him by pressing into his stomach and he wanted desperately for the pain to stop. Before Dr. Andersen could plead for Nick to allow her to palpitate his stomach again, the phone mercifully rang.

Wiping the cold sweat that had beaded up on his forehead with the back of his hand, Nick barely listened to the doctor’s half of her phone conversation. He silently prayed that she would drop the issue of checking his stomach out. She had already stirred up so much pain he doubted he would be able to stand up straight and walk from the office building.

The woman ended her phone call briskly as she hastily scribbled notes on a slip of yellow paper.

“Your lab results were the same as the one in question, Nickolas, the enzymes were high,” Dr. Andersen announced.

“Well couldn’t it just be that I’m having an off week or something that I ate or something?”

The doctor sighed. “It’s not that simple, I wish it were, there are too many things that could be causing this.”

Looking down at his distended stomach, Nick mumbled, “Such as?”

“Anything from liver damage from the medications you’ve been taking, to drinking too much alcohol over a period of years, to a benign tumor to a cancerous tumor on your liver,” she paused for a moment, looking at her patient with teary eyes. Dr. Andersen turned away quickly to try and collect her emotions before Nick noticed she was upset. She wasn’t sure of what was going on with the young man, but being an oncologist she had seen many cases through her years of practice and she was afraid his outcome would end up being as bad as the others.

Clearing her throat, she handed Nick the yellow slip of paper. “You need to give this to the front desk and they will schedule some tests. When I pressed on your abdomen, I noticed that there were still a few enlarged nodes and I think it would be wise to increase your dose of chemotherapy. We need to be more aggressive with this cancer to beat it.”

Nick’s head snapped up when the doctor mentioned increasing the chemo. Tears welled up in his eyes.

“I know it sounds like you’re not making progress,” the woman sighed as she placed a comforting hand on her patient’s shoulder, “but we need to slow this up before it takes over you. We should start the increase as an inpatient to see how you tolerate the higher dose and to get your body adjusted to it. I’m not going to lie to you, the first few days on this will be really rough.”

Nick stubbornly shook his head. “No, let’s just do this like we’ve been doing it, as an outpatient, I’ve got too many commitments, I’m sure I’ll manage.”

“There is an option of a feed through the port and having a portable pump attached in a pack with the chemo medication, if you prefer, but if you take this option, you would have to come to the office twice a week to see me.”

Nick glanced at the slip of paper in his hand. “What tests did you order?”

“An MRI, a CT and an ultrasound of your abdomen and a standing order for blood draws. Have you decided which option you would like for your chemo or do you want to think about it and come back tomorrow?”

“Let’s do this as soon as we can before I change my mind,” Nick replied, his voice void of emotion.

*~*~*~*~*

Stumbling through the garage in a daze, Nick felt numb about his visit with Dr. Andersen. Wadding the yellow slip of paper into a ball, he hap-hazardly tossed it towards the wastebasket, completely missing it’s target.

The thoughts of ‘this can’t be happening... I’m supposed to be getting better, not worse’ played in his head like a broken record, over and over, taunting him. His stomach started it’s normal ritual of sending stabbing, shooting pains causing Nick to stagger backwards into the wall with a small thud. Nick allowed the tears that welled into his eyes to flow the familiar trail down his cheeks. He started to wonder if this was really worth the effort with the chemo. He jumped when the door leading from the house opened suddenly and quickly brushed his tears away with the back of his hand.

“Holy shit, you scared me,” Leighanne squeaked, nearly dropping the newspapers she carried in her arms.

“I’m sorry,” Nick mumbled, and then cleared his throat and walked over to her, taking the papers from her arms. “Let me take care of that for you, you know Brian would have a fit seeing you do this, does he know you’re carrying those?”

Leighanne rolled her eyes. “I’m pregnant, not handicapped, boy you guys are really protective.”

“Well I wouldn’t want to know you strained something for the benefit of the environment and recycling,” Nick playfully reprimanded.

Leighanne giggled at his comment and rubbed her stomach softly. “Yeah, Brian would shoot me... wait he would shoot both of us, you shouldn’t be doing stuff like that yourself.”

Nick’s expression soured as he tossed the papers into the green tub. “Well, like you just said, I’m not handicapped.”

“Oh Nick, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out that way--”

“It’s okay, let’s drop it,” he replied, forcing a grin on his face.

“I am getting pretty big, though, don’t you think?”

Nick glanced at her hands rubbing her swelling stomach. “Yeah, I think you’ve finally got me beat in that area.”

“Brian and I have to leave tomorrow morning for Atlanta, the doctor here was questioning my size and we decided it would be best to see my OB doctor in Georgia for his opinion.”

“Is everything alright?” Nick questioned, alarm in his voice.

“Everything is fine, he was suspecting that either my dates are way off or that I have too much amnotic fluid. I’m starting to feel like a blimp though, it’s really getting harder for me to bend over and tie my shoes,” Leighanne smirked.

“God, I know that feeling myself,” Nick mumbled.

“What?”

“Skip it, let’s go inside, Brian is gonna freak out if he sees us two bloated bellies hanging out in my garage.”

Leighanne playfully swatting Nick on the shoulder. “You’re not as bad as I am, stop beating yourself down.”

“Sorry, force of habit.”

“Nick! Where the hell have you been?” AJ rasped when he encountered the two in the kitchen.

“I just got home, I had things to do.”

“What did the doctor want?” Brian questioned as he placed a cup and a plate on the counter.

“Same old stuff, nothing important,” Nick lied.

“Honey, I told Nick we were going to see my doctor in Georgia and we would be back a few days later, right? You said a few days?”

“Yeah, a few days,” Brian agreed.

“Is Lee okay?”

“Nick, I already explained this to you, I’m fine, they just are checking my size, I’ve gotten so huge so quickly, it happens to other women, nothing to be concerned over,” Leighanne reassured.

“Me and Howard are going to be catching the red eye tonight, he wants to see his family and I need to get back to Sarah,” AJ commented. “I just finished arranging the flight, I better go tell numb nuts so he can pack his shit.”

“AJ, don’t be so crude in front of Leighanne,” Brian scoled, his face turning a pale shade of crimson.

“So is Kevin leaving too?” Nick asked hopefully.

“Nope, Kevin’s been assigned as your foster father until we get back,” AJ cackled.

“Peachy,” Nick breathed. He hugged AJ. “Well, in case I don’t wake up before you go, I appreciate you coming down here, and have a safe flight.”

“Don’t you feel good?” Leighanne questioned, concern etched on her face.

“Just tired,” Nick replied as he made his way to the cupboard, pulling his medication bottles down and doing the afternoon ritual of taking his pills. He mentally debated why he needed to keep doing this since the doctor bumped up his rate of chemo.

Taking the back stairs to his bedroom, Nick stripped his shirt off. The small chemo pump was attached to the waistband of his sweatpants and Nick almost forgot to unhook the aparatus but was quickly reminded when he felt a tugging at his port.

“Shit,” he mumbled as he detached the hardware. The line was long enough that he could lay it on the bed next to him and he was able to lay on his back to find a comfortable position to sleep in. Closing his eyes, he didn’t have to wait long for sleep to wash over him, but the sleep that was coming was going to be far from restful.

Swollen Issues II- Chapter 62

"Nick!" Kevin called out from downstairs, "You set to go?" The tone of his voice held some irritation and he was pacing back and forth on the floor, in the same way as he did when he was nervous. When he received no immediate response he continued, "Nick are you there? We have to get going. NOW!"

From the bathroom upstairs Nick yelled back, "Yeah..I´ll be done in a sec."

He was doing his best to steady his voice when all he wanted was to sink down on the toilet lid and rest. The night had been fitful and he had been plagued with nightmares and coldsweats. He was sick and tired of waking up like a drenched cat every night, sheets plastered to his back. Today he also experienced chills and he blamed it on the sudden increase of chemo. Dr. Andersen had told him that he might experience some unwanted side effects and he wanted to laugh out from sarcastic joy. Puking his guts out while shivering uncontrollably was something that he really didn't look forward to.

His life was nothing but a bundle of joy.

Staring into the steamed bathroom mirror, a pale face stared back at him with dark, borderlining black colored bags under his eyes. Shivering, he drew a hand through his blonde touseled hair, trying to make it look less lifeless. The attempt was futile since all it did was hang even flatter on his head, like a cap.

"God, I look like crap," he muttered loudly, sticking his tongue out to the man infront of him. "You are so fucking pathetic," suddenly he wanted nothing more than get rid of that vision of himself looking like a dying man. When the pale face continued to stare back at him he splashed some cool water into his face. Blindly he reached for a towel and wiped his face off. Staring back in the mirror he noticed that he didn't look quite as bad anymore. This was a well tried recipe that Nick had used many times on the road. There had been times when he had cried out of sheer exhaustion and when he had to be at his best, a quick splash of water in his face usually did the trick and he could last a little bit longer.

Pulling a comb through his hair he tried to reason with it and when he was done he stared down into the sink. The sight that greeted him made his stomach ache even more than before. The sink was filled with hair, his blonde hair laid in heaps. Nick didnt know if it hurt more, to see his hair fall off or the pain in his stomach that was lingering with him all the time.

Quickly he scraped up the hair and threw it in the wastebasket, trying to forget that the chemo was making him loose more and more hair each day. God, how he hated chemo! Hated feeling like crap all the time, hated the way the nausea crept up on him when he least expected it. Choking him, making him vanurable. He hated the fact that there were days when all he wanted was sleep, and no matter how much he slept he still never felt rested.

"NICK!" Kevin was getting impatient downstairs and he siged heavily as another bout of nausea overhelmed him, making him bend over and gag. He hadnt eaten anything since last night, which was just as good since there were nothing to expell. After saying goodbye to his dad as well as met Dr Andersen he was totally zonked.

Putting on a pair of black Nike sweatpants he ignored his older brothers attempt to get him to answer. Instead he tucked away the chemo device safely under his waistband lining and put on a grey longsleeved T-shirt. It was a warm day, yet Nick had the chills this morning. If he hadn't known better he would say that he was starting to get a case of the flu. That was what it felt like.

As if they couldn't leave him alone Brian called out for him once more, "Frack, you have to hurry. We have to get going. The plane will be leaving soon."

"Mhmm," Nick mumbled, making no attempt to go out of the bathroom. He knew he was late, yet he had to wait before the worst bout of nausea passed before he could make an entrance. As he gagged once more a strange thought popped up in his mind. 'f this is what it is like to be pregnant with morning sickness, I can understand while women are so cranky.' He was referring to his own mother's pregnancy with the twins.

Spitting into the bowl, he cleared his mouth and then reached for the tooth brush. The guys would have to wait. There was no way that he was going to go anywhere smelling like a rodent had pooped down his throat.

They were on their way to drive Brian and Leighanne to the airport, him and Kevin, since they had an appointment with the studio producer about the album. There were some tracks that they had to discuss whether or not to put on the album and since both AJ and Howie had gone home to their "wives" and Brian was on his way back home, it was Kevin and Nick who had to attend the meeting.

Usually Nick would have been thrilled. He had always enjoyed being at the studio. This time however he was just totally and utterly exhausted.

For a moment he wanted to stop this charade and yell back that he felt sick and didn't want to go but that would just add more fuel to Brian's worriedness and the last thing he wanted to be was a nuisance. Besides his friend had enough to worry about. There had been fear in Brian's eyes when they had told him that they had to go back to Georgia for a proper check up. He was so afraid that something would happen to this baby since Nick knew that they had waited for their child to arrive for some time now. Leighanne wasnt exactly getting younger and Brian wanted a big family. He wouldnt be surprised if in a few years time their house would be filled with Backstreet babies.

If he had told Brian the truth he was afraid that his friend would cancel the flight and that wouldn´t do anyone any good at all. What if something was seriously wrong with the baby? He didn't want the one responsible for not getting Leighanne help in time, just beacuse he felt like hurling.

Besides he had Kevin.

Not that him and Kev had talked so much about his illness. No, it was more like his friend was afraid to talk about such topic. Avoiding it at all costs. He suspected strongly that Kevin's father's cancer could be the reason since it was once again hitting too close to home. The colon cancer that Kevin's father had suffered from had been terrible and Nick figured out that Kevin's often serious side was beacuse of the trauma he had experienced. Watching his own father slowly deteoriate from this dreadful disease.

Unfortunately Kevin was a man that often kept feelings and emotions locked up inside him and Nick had a hard time figuring his brother out. They had a rocky relationship and there had been more than one time when they had disagreed with each other and fought over different opinions.

Yet they loved each other, like only brothers could do, and Kevin had been there for him many times. In fact he was closer to Kev than he was to his own parents. He was the one he turned to when things got a bit too rough on the road. He was the rock that Nick leaned against while searching for shelter. Shelter from the hectic life he was now living.

It was either Kevin or Brian who stayed at his side when he was sick or too low. It was Kevin who was there when Nick screwed up and he was the one that was picking forever picking up the pieces. Up until now!

This time he had to stand on his own.

With a sigh Nick opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Peering downstairs he noticed that they were all waiting for him. Kevin was pacing, and Nick couldnt help to laugh. His friend was often nervous and sometimes before the show Kev could be such a nervous wreck. It wasn´t becuse he was afraid of the audience, no his older brother was a perfectionist and a worrier! He often kept a calm posture to the public and there was not many things that had Kevin Richardson all worked up. At least not officially.

"Ah, there you are," Kevin exclaimed as he looked up towards the stairs, "You ready?" He was already on his way towards the door, car keys in hand.

"Here Nick," Leighanne said as she handed him a sandwich, " You haven´t eaten any breakfast so I made you something." She smiled warmly before picking up a bag.

"No, no I'll take that one," Brian was there quickly, protecting his wife and grabbing the bag, telling her that she needed to take it easy and that he was there for her. Leighanne shrugged, obviously a bit annoyed over his fussing.

"Eh..I think I´ll pass," Nick said as he looked at the ham sandwich. Even if he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday his stomach did summer saults as he looked at anything that might resemble food. The nausea was bad this morning and it had to take all his strength not to gag on the spot.

"Why?" Brian stopped talking to Leighanne and turned towards his pale friend. "You feeling sick?"

"No," Nick shook his head, not daring to look Brian in his eyes. Afraid that it would reveal too much pain.

"You sure?" There was doubt in the smaller man's voice.

"Yes, I´m not so hungry. You know me and mornings." Nick laughed lightly, "It´s way too early if it´s before noon." He expected a laugh back from Brian since Nick was a well known sleeper, yet nothing came. Instead he leaned over, grabbing Nick's arm.

"Is the nausea bad this morning?" He looked Nick sternly in his eyes.

Still avoiding his glance, Nick mumbled, "No man.I´ll grab something at the studio. Besides you were complaining that we had to go so what are we waiting on?" He jerked to get away from the grip.

Leighanne interrupted their conversation, "Bri honey, Kevin is already outside. We have to go now or we will miss the flight." She nudged Brian's arm lightly, smiling a bit appologetically to Nick.

"Yes baby, you go ahead and go I wanna have a few words with Frack."

With a deep sigh Leigh let go of her husband, "Ok, but don´t take too long." With that she walked out from the house.

"B'rok, dude, you better listen to Lee," Nick said, hoping that Brian would drop the subject about his health. It was futile since if it was one thing Brian could sniff it was when something was bothering his friend. It wasn´t for nothing they had been Frick and Frack for almost ten years.

"Nick, you´re not hiding anything for me, are you?" He never let up his eyes on his friend.

"Eh..huh?" Nick felt busted, and he blushed slightly, giving away a red crimson color on his ohterwise pale cheeks. Composing himself he asked as steady as he could "What do you mean?"

"Well," Brian started, "I´ve known you way too long not to see when something is bothering you my man, and today I get the feeling that there is more than meets the eye. Am I right?"

Fidgeting Nick looked away, "No man, I dont know what you´re talking about." There was no chance in hell that he would tell his friend how miserable he felt. His sixth sense told him that the Kentuckian would cancel the flight in two secs if he even breathed that he felt like shit.

Nick Carter was a stubborn character.

"Ok," Brian sighed, resigning to the fact that Nick didn't want to talk anymore. "Maybe I´m seeng ghosts then." He smiled briefly.

"More likely a corpse," Nick muttered.

"Huh?" The words didn't go unnoticed and Nick cursed the fact that he had always been so swift with comments.

"Just kidding," he grinned, reassuring that everything was just peachy.

"Okeeey," The last syllables were dragging out. "It´s just that I have noticed you grab your stomach lately, like you are in pain or somethin'" It was clear that Brian still wasn´t letting the topic go.

"Well I am NOT." The words came out a bit too harsh then he intended too, biting his lip he stopped himself for saying anything more.

"Ok, ok I know when I have crossed the line," Brian held up his hands in a defeated gesture, "Cool it man, there is no need to bite my head off. I´m just concerned man." There was hurt in his tone.

"Sorry dude," he said patting his friend on his shoulder. Forcing a smile he continued, "I´m ok. Honest!" God he hated to lie.

"Mhm..If you say so," Brian looked at him with his blue eyes, etched with concerned, "I guess I have to trust you then.." He was talking slow, like he didn´t believe his own words.

"Yup," Nick laughed lightly, "Now you better go man or you have much greater concern to worry about." He gave up a grin, motioning with his tumb towards the car where Leigh and Kevin stood impatiently.

Brian laughed, "Yeah those two ain´t easy to deal with." As Nick thought it was the end of the conversation, Brian stopped him once more, "But if there is something that is bothering you, you promise to say that to me.. right?"

"Yeah man," Nick said a tad too fast.

Noticing this Brian frowned, "Nick?" It was clear that he was still questioning the blondes validity.

"YEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!" Gosh when would Brian stop getting into his hair ? "I said so didn't I?"

"Ok good." A satsifield smile crept up on his brother's face, making Nick feel even worse than before. Here he was lying to his friend, straight into his face. Yet there was nothing he could do about it. Brian didn't need to be worried at any cost!

With that the two men walked out to the car.

*********************************

It had been pretty calm on the waterfront and Nick and Kevin had dropped the Littrell's off at the terminal when all hell broke loose. At first one girl had spotted them and set off to get an autograph. It didnt bother them so much, and both men stopped and signed and gave away some hugs. Sometimes it was better to meet the fans, than hide away.

Soon lots of people noticed who had entered the airport and more and more people run up to them, wanting hugs and taking pictures. Even if Nick felt like total and utter crap he still smiled, perking up ever so often. The fans were not bad, besides he knew that they would be nothing without these screaming teenagers.

"NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!"

"KEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN"

"I love ya!"

"Can I get a hug, pleaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The otherwise quiet airport was suddenly filled with screaming girls that came running towards them and as more people approached it was time to split. Looking at each other like deer caught in headlights, Kevin motioned with his tumb toward the exit. They had to make a run for it.

As if things were not bad enough a bald headed man started to snap pictures like he was possessed. Too late they spotted him. A papparazzi.

"Nick, I love you," one girl screamed as she clinged to him, pulling at his pants. Panic errupted inside him as he remembered what was attatched to his body. The chemo pump and he did his best to get the girl off him. It had been a bad call to go anywhere without bodyguards and Nick swore that he would never do the same mistake again.

Pulling with his hand to keep his pants from sagging he tried to take cover as well as run away from the screaming hoard. But the girl was still clinging and she ripped at his T-shirt, and before he knew it - it happened. The thing that couldn't happen!

The shirt went up exposing the chemo device attacted to his stomach. Tucking it in quickly again he hoped that no one had discovered his secret. What went on for seconds felt like hours and he felt so exposed to the world. This was NOT the way he wanted to reveal his ailments in public. As if things weren't bad enough, the papparazzi seemed to snap pictures like there was no tomorrow. Nick plastering a false, wide grin on his face.

"RUN!" Kevin yelled and Nick could feel his own legs start to work on autopilot. Running out of the terminal, girls in tow, he made a beeline towards the red sports car.

The pain in his stomach made it hard for him to run and the nausea was getting more and more urgent. As his vision grew blurry, white spots appeared infront of him and Nick feared that he would pass out. It was hard to breathe and he cursed the fact that he had no other option but to keep running. Seeing the older band member run off like a frightened rabbit Nick tried his best to keep up the pace. It was a hard task and the chemo device clicked against his skin, reminding him that he was not well at all.

As he saw the red car he started to slow the pace. Girls were still running after him. Kevin stated a quick, "Get in," as he opened the door for him. Seconds later he managed to get inside, panting and gasping to catch his breath.

"Mr. Carter," the photographer yelled, "Is it true that you're sick and going to die?"

Ignoring the question at hand Nick looked away, wishing that he didn't have an car with an open roof. The more Nick stayed out of public view the better it was. His whole appearance would case rumours and that was not something that the Backstreet Boys needed to deal with right now. As long as they could they wanted to stall telling the world about Nick's disease. They wanted to wait, see what time brought with it, and when the opportunity was right they would go public...that is if Nick didn't beat the cancer first.

The guys felt a bit upset over this decision, even more since they were well known for being honest with their fans, okay as honest as they could be. They had known about AJ´s drinking and using drugs for quite a while and it was when it was critical they went forward with it. Some things would be better kept in private. Like Nick's cancer.

The riot was remarkable and the Papparazzi was snapping away picture after picture. The two men tried to shield themselves with their hands. Girls were screaming, clawing at the car.

It was a true riot!

"Mr. Carter what is that device on your stomach?" Oh nooo, Nick wanted to die. The one person in this whole wide world that he did NOT want to see this had spotted it. A freaking papparazzi.

Upon hearing these words Kevin turned around to look at Nick questionly, for a brief second. There were genuine surprise in his facial expression. Soon however he was reminded over the riot that were outside and he growled to the photographer, "What the fuck.." He was on his verge of standing up and grabbing the camera, ripping out the film when Nick stopped his actions.

"No don´t," he shook his head tiredly. "Lets get the hell out of here instead."

"But..but..I.." his friend started, yet Nick grabbed the arm.

"No! Fuck it, lets go."

It was something in Nick's voice that had Kevin all concerned so he started the car without further questioning, slammed in the gear and drove away from the airport. Tires screeching against the asphalt.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 63

"There is a slight vocal difference in track seven that we have to look into. It doesn´t sound good and we have to find a soloution for that one," the head producer Steve McFargin said with a frown. They were sitting with him, going over some of the songs that were ready to be recorded for their upcoming album. "Nick," the producer said as he turned towards the young man, "I think you would be perfect for the part since you can go pretty high up and still have that rock edge to it." Looking over at the men he asked, "What do you think?" He started to hand out some a paper with the notes on and Kevin took the paper eyeing it with interest.

"Yes," Kevin said as he read the notes, "that might be an idea. You mean that part we're suppose to sing back to your heart, right?"

"Yeah that's the one. Would be suitable for Nick's voice, don´t you agree with me?" Steve said as he sang the tune. "It might do the work."

Kevin listened as he rubbed his chin, "Okay, that might do the trick. What do you think Nick?" he asked as he turned his attention towards the blonde at his side.

With a frown he noticed that Nick wasn´t with them at all. His eyes were half open and he rubbed his temples as if he was nursing a mother of a headache. A thin bead of sweat coated his forehead and upperlip as he was shivering like he was wracked with chills. Kevin also noticed that his friend swallowed hard and one look at Nick made him think that his friend was feeling like crap and should be at home resting instead of sitting in a stuffy and warm room.

"Nick?" he said as he tried to get the young man's attention. There was no sign that his friend had listened and he raised his voice a level, "Nick?"

There was a jerk as Nick sat up straighter in his seat, "Wha..what?" Pulling his hand through his hair he peered at the older man through tired eyes.

"You spaced out on us," Kevin explained. "Are you alright?"

"Huh?" Nick looked at him for a short moment before he mumbled, "Ehh..yeah..I mean I just have a headache." He closed his eyes momentarily and this had Kevin all more concerned.

"You sure man, you don´t look so hot."

"Mhm.." Nick made no further comment and this had Steve butting in.

"You look kind of green," a chuckle was heard, "hangovers can be a bitch, can´t they?" It was clear that the producer thought that Nick had been out on one of his party rides again and a grin lit up the producers lips. "Was she good looking?"

Before Nick had any time to comment on that question Kevin gave the producer a hard glare, saying, "Nick has the flu."

Lies, lies and even more lies.

"Oh," Steve looked a bit appologetic, "I guess you´re right, he does look kind of sick."

Listening to the conversation, Nick held up a hand, "I´m fine, lets get on with this." It was clear that he was doing his best to show false interest as he took the paper into his hand, clearing his voice to test out the part. It didnt work out too good since his hand shook hard as he held the paper and Kevin steadied his hand with his own.

"Give it up for now," Kevin said with compassion in his voice, "We can postpone this meeting until your well again." His voice wavered slightly as he spoke the last words. Doubt shining in his eyes. God only knew when Nick would be fit for fight again. Pressing the negative thoughts away he continued, "You look like hell man and you need to rest." He awaited an arguement and when no such thing happened he became surprised, but also a bit frightened. His younger brother always made a restistance and now he seemed almost happy for Kevin making that decision.

Rubbing his hand tiredly over his face Nick whispered, his voice cracked, "I guess you´re right. Let´s get going." He stood up and as he was about to walk out towards the door he swayed slightly. Kevin was there instantly with an arm supporting him.

"That looks like a bad case of the flu," the producer commented. "Go home and eat some hot chicken soup and you will feel better in no time. We can continue this meeting when you feel up to it again, so no rush. Just concentrate on getting better."

"Okay man," Nick jerked away his arm from Kevin's grip and then walked towards the door, closing it behind him. With a frown Kevin noticed this action and before following his sick friend's track he said a few words with Steve, setting up a new meeting. Once he was done he joined Nick over by the sofas outside the studio. The young man sat slumped over, holding his arms wrapped around his midsection like he had a stomach ache. His eyes were closed.

He looked so young where he sat and memories when Nick was just a teen, touring, flashed in front of Kevin's eyes. The young man had always been a notorius sleeper, especially when he wasn´t feeling one hundred percent, and there were endless stories about strange situations where he had fallen asleep. One time at some tv-studio in London Nick had fallen asleep in a hallway on a hard wooden chair and the funny thing about the situation was that the teen had suddenly fallen off, giving them all a good laugh. All but the boy in question who received a sore ass.

A brief smile toyed at Kevin's lips as he nudged Nick's arm gently. Bending over he whispered, "Nick? Nick, you ready to go now?"

Apparently he hadn´t fallen asleep since he opened up a pair of redrimmed, glazed eyes on a ghostly pale face. "What?" The voice was weak and he wet his dry lips like he was searching for something more to say.

"I asked if you wanted to go now." Kevin stretched out a hand for Nick, "Come on." Grabbing it he helped the young man to his feet. What had him concerned was the weakness that his younger brother showed and he felt a knife rip through his chest when he saw how vulnerable and sick Nick was.

As he watched his little brother walk towards the elevator it hurt even more. He walked hunched like an eighty old year old man, instead of the vital 22 year old that he was suppose to be. Kevin wanted to wrap his arms around his little brother, yet he did no such actions and instead pushed the button to the elevator. Nick was unnaturally quiet and that scared him.

Something that bugged him and that he couldnt get out of his mind was what that Papparazzi had said over at the airport. He had asked Nick why he was wearing a device attatched to his body. Kevin knew about the port, but Nick wearing some kind of device was totally new for him. As soon as he would get a chance he intended to ask his friend about this, when opportunity struck. It had to wait for now since Nick was way too sick to deal with such an issue.

There was lots of traffic and Kevin crept forward in the lane, cursing that they hadn't taken another highway. Glancing at his friend who leaned heavily with his cheek against window, he felt panic dwell up inside him. Something told him that the man beside him was more sick than he ever let on. Since Nick had complained that he was cold and shivered despite the heatwave that had graced the Florida coast he had put up the top on to convertible. It was also a security measure so not too many would recognize them. Even if Kevin was sweating tons, he still wanted Nick to feel comfortable and the young man had goose bumps on his arms from the chills. He wouldn't be too surprised if this was due to running a fever.

"How ya doing buddy?" Kevin asked when he saw that Nick stared through the window, mechanically. Receiving no response he patted Nick's shoulder gently, "Hey man, you think you´re gonna make it?"

With a saddened expression, Nick turned his head, his complexion a mix of pale and green, the eyes revealing the pain that he felt. "Are we home soon?" he groaned as he shifted in his seat, uncomfortablly.

"Is it bad?" Kevin asked, not knowing what to say or do. In that very moment he felt very sad for the young man. It was a safe bet to assume that he was on the verge of throwing up and he could see Nick's throat work convulsively all the time.

A short nod, then another groan, "God, I think I´m gonna be sick." He ran his hand over his face and at the same time closed his eyes, like he was trying to block out the nauseous feeling that had his body in a tight grip. A shaky sigh was heard.

"You want me to stop?" Kevin had been with Nick many times when he was sick, but he had never seen him look this bad before. Not even when he was so sick so he was constantly throwing up backstage or when he had a bad case of food poisoning in Asia. Those times he had been a victim of a virus, this time it was different. It was the cancer eating him up from inside.

"No," Nick swallowed hard, as he slumped further down in the seat. "I..I will be okay." He smiled briefly, trying to reassure his friend that everything was fine, yet Kevin didn´t buy it. Nick was a whiner when it came to small details, but when it came to bigger issues he often clamped shut and turn to himself. This was the main reason that he often suffered alone and probably had waited so long to tell anyone about his disease.

Kevin sped up, driving as fast as he could towards Nick's home hoping that they would make it before his little brother got violently sick. It had been bad enough that the papparazzi sneaked up on them earlier, but they couldn't afford anymore rumours and therefore they had to keep Nick out of the public eye as much as possible. If words were out that Nick was sick with cancer there would not be a single moment of peace and quiet and that was something they needed. Especially Nick who sometimes was too tired to even deal with his own "family."

As they drove on Kevin pondered about the situation in hand, while Nick looked like he had passed out into oblivion. Suddenly a moan interrupted the silence and Kevin turned instantly towards his sick friend. Nick had sat up stiffly in his seat and he had a desperate look in his eyes. "You..you think you can go any faster?" he shivered, as his hand held on to the door handle in a crampy grip, cold sweat dotted on his skin.

One glance said it all, Kevin stomped his foot on the gas. "Hold on buddy, we will be home in no time."

A groan was received as Nick shifted his hand to his mouth. His throat worked all the time and his eyes teared from the nausea that ran through his battered body. He was doing his best to fend off the invitable. It wasn´t a question IF Nick was going to be sick, now it was more a WHEN he couldn't hold on any longer.

Nick was getting worse by the minute as coldsweat trickled off his forehead, Kevin felt more and more unsure of what to do. With one hand on the steering wheel and the other one searching blindly in the front compartment he tried to find something for Nick to use if there was an emergency. Rumaging around he found a plastic bag with some cd´s in it and poured the contents out on the floor, handing the bag to Nick. No words were said but the gratitude in his eyes couldn´t be mistaken.

They were more and more confident that Nick would make it as the gate came into view. Pressing on the electric button the gates opened slowly, allowing them to enter. It had been neccessary to set up an iron fence with a gate so no trespassing people could enter the premises. Earlier years, before they had become as famous as they were now, people had come to Nick's family's house and started to pull up grass from the lawn as souvineers. This had resulted in an electric fence.

It was scary what fans would do to be close to the guys, Kevin thought. There was one time when Howie had found some girls hiding in the bathroom and another time fans had hid in the bus compartment. Just to be near them. Then there was that time when two fans had climbed over a barbwire fence and then they ended up in their dressing room, clothes torn and bleeding on their arms and legs. They were used that fans stalked them and there were some girls that always hang after them in a tail. It surprised them that not one of these fans had found out about Nick's disease even if the rumour were out over the net that Nick was going to the hospital on and off.

Another groan, this time more like moan interrupted his thoughts and he saw that Nick pulled the handle desperately, his hand still covering his mouth. If there hadn´t been three girls waiting outside the gate hoping to catch a glimpse of their idol, Kevin would have opened the door so Nick could throw up. Now the young man had to wait.

"Hold on. We're almost there."

A nod came as a response, yet he didnt let up his grip on the door nor take off his hand off his mouth. Since Nick was often suffering motion sickness Kevin had been in this situation before and he felt sorry for the young man. In the beginning it had been annoying since there had been more than one occasion that they had to stop the van and wait for him to be sick. He had started to get used to it and now it didn't happen so often as before, but when it occurred it was nothing they could do but tough it out.

"Look," a brunette girl shouted as she spotted the two men in the sports car. She waved with her hands. "It's Nick and Kevin!" The girls started to scream and they ran towards the car door. Ignoring them Kevin stared ahead and Nick was too busy with his own ordeal to pay any attention to the fans. There was disappointment in the girls eyes as they realized that the two men wouldn´t stop and sign autographs and take pictures. He hoped that they didn´t come from too far away since he knew that Nick's house both in Marathon and Tampa had become celebrity sightings. Fans came from all over the world. Young as well as old. Female and male. Everybody was interested in meeting the youngest member of the boyband.

Looking up Nick momentarily took away his hand from his mouth, smiling towards them paley. It was clear that his little brother felt just as bad as he did. If there was one thing Nick rarely neglected it was his fans. In fact none of them did and they tried to please them as much as they could. It wasn´t for nothing the Backstreet Boys had a reputation in the business for being labeled as nice and easy going.

This time however they had no intention of stopping and greeting any fans. There wasn't any time.

A sound of gagging was heard in the car and Kevin catched a glance at Nick who was desperatly trying to gain control over the situation. He didn´t want to use the plastic bag and therefore did his best to hold on. Many years of working up a technique of how to deal when you felt like shit on stage finally paid off and he breathed through his nose. Relieved that the gate finally opened Kevin stepped on the gas and drove as fast as he could up the driveway. As soon as they were out of sight from the fans Nick yelled, "STOP." Following the blonde's demand, Kevin stepped on the breaks and Nick opened the door, tumbling out, wretching hard as he fell on the ground.

Kevin winced. It certainly wasn´t the first time that he took care of a sick Nick and he supposed it wasn´t the last either. He didn't do throwing up very well since being around sick people made his own stomach clench. It reminded him too much about his own father's sickness and how he had been a victim of chemotheraphy. Being a teen Kevin had not thought that anyone could be so sick. There had been no medication that had worked on his dad which resulted with his father being violently sick from longer periods of time. It hurt to see someone you loved so much slowly deteriorate in front of your eyes.

His father had received chemo every three weeks and he was constantly vomiting for two weeks straight. Then he was well for one week before it was time for another session. It had went on like that for month and Kevin hated every day it happend. It was a painful process to go through and he never knew in what shape his father would be in when he came home from school. Being a teen this was a too big burden to carry and he started to stay away from home as much as he could.

Seeing Nick spilling his guts onto the gravel scared him so much that he froze, not moving a muscle. His mind told him that Nick needed help, yet his body refused to obey and he stood there frozen. Seeing it all in slow motion. Kevin's body started to shake and it was like he relived his own father's sickness once again. Closing his eyes, cold sweat running down his back, Kevin felt like he was 15 once again and the fear that he felt then, flared up inside him, making him want to choke. If this was a result from the chemoteraphy, which he was sure it was, and if Nick was going to go through what his father experienced he didn´t know if he could handle it one more time.

His own thoughts broke as Nick croaked out weakly, "Kev..Kev.." He was calling for help. From a distance he saw his friend laying on all fours as painful heaving wracked his body over and over again.

He felt torn. One part wanted to rush forward and help his friend, being there for him, supportive. The other part wanted to jump into the car and drive away as fast as he could. Getting away from the pain that his memories brought. But Nick's painful whimpers sounded through the air and his own worries were set aside. Rushing up to him he pushed his fear away and bent down, "Buddy how are you doing?" he mumbled as he tried to help Nick to stand.

Panting from the hard task, Nick looked up, his eyes red from both crying and eyes tearing. "Like shit," he mumbled as he tried to get his bearings. Spitting onto the gravel his face scrunched up like he was still feeling very sick.

"You think you´re done?" he asked as Nick stood on wobbly legs, looking like he would pass out if Kevin let go off his grip.

"Ye..yes..I..I..th..think so." The voice were shaky. For a moment Nick sagged against Kevin and he steadied his grip harder, afraid that he would drop his friend.

"Come on," he coaxed him as he tried to get Nick's lanky frame into the house. It was like the blonde's legs had stopped working and he had to steady him so he wouldn't fall. With one hand Kevin grabbed the keys from Nick's pants pocket, opening the door. The young man hiccuped and Kevin guessed that they would soon be in for another round. Nick's pugs came running towards him, barking and wagging their tails happy that their master finally was home.

Ignoring them, Kevin tried to get Nick inside the house. It wasn´t easy since Nick was tall and felt like he weighed a ton, especially since he was sagging more and more. Suddenly Nick moaned something and Kevin got more in a hurry to get him to a toilet. The blonde's head rolled against him and for a moment Kevin felt that he didnt know how to handle the situation. Memories when his father had been too sick to move flared up inside him. He and his mother had often tried to coax him to get up and at one occasion his dad had passed out and Kevin was sure that this was the end. The same feeling surged through him when Nick's legs suddenly gave out on him and he started to drop towards the tiled hall floor.

"NOOOO!" Kevin yelled as he desperatly tried to save Nick from falling and hurting himself. 'Why, God oh why do I have to experience this,' he screamed inside as he laid Nick down on the floor. Checking his breathing and pulse he felt a bit better when he noticed that the young man had just fainted.

When Nick stirred he couldn´t help to smile down at him since he felt so relieved that nothing worse had happend. Besides there were no need for alarm.

"Wha..what happend?" Nick tried to sit up, but was gently pushed down by Kevin.

"No you need to rest. You passed out." Kevin talked as lightly as he could, not wanting to show how scared he felt deep inside. Besides he was a grown man and people in his age didn't get upset over things like this. They were more matured.

"Mhm..," he laid down on the floor again, closing his eyes.

"You feeling any better?"

"No." Nick shook his head, with a clenched jaw he continued in a weak voice, "Ba..bathroom!"

"Oh shit!" He sensed an alarm as Nick had opened his eyes and searched for something to be sick in. Trying to help Nick to stand up he noticed that the man was too weak to stand on his own and soon Nick ended up throwing up on the floor. Kevin jumped aside, barely missing form being hosed down.

"So..sorry," Nick mumbled shakily between the heaves.

Steathing himself both from the sight and the smell, but mostly from the situation at hand, Kevin whispered soothingly, "Don´t worry, just concentraite on what you need to do." He hadn´t said the last word before Nick obeyed him once again. The dogs tried to get to their master, no doubt sensing that something wasn´t right and he shooed them away. "Not now boys. Nick is sick."

When all that were left was gagging, Kevin tried to help his friend to the bathroom. "Come on Nick, you can't lay here." Nick too weak to say anything stood up, half bent, holding his stomach in a tight grip and then walked unsteadily by Kevin to the facilities.

No sooner they had entered the premises, Nick broke down from Kevin's grip and rushed towards the toilet again. There he bent down, violenly expelling what was left in his stomach. Kevin winced as he hunched beside his friend, rubbing his back in smooth round circles.

"It hu..it hurts," Nick cried between the heaves and he grabbed his stomach, trying to block out the pain. Tears running down his cheeks.

Kevin he felt like he wanted to scream. It wasn´t fair that his little brother, the kid he had knew since he was 12 and that he come to live with 24/7 for almost 10 years, had to endure such terrible pain. Biting down his own despair he mumbled soothingly, "I know Nicky, I know..try to relax."

Helplessly, he watched as Nick was heaving over and over again until he was as washed out as a worn out dishrag.

"God," Nick begged as he was wracked with cramps once more and bent over into the bowl again, "please, please let this stop..please." It was like no one was listening to him as he once again tried to expell what little there was in his stomach. Kevin, who hadn´t left the sick man's side, saw that all that came was some clear liquid and green yellow bile.

Feeling desperate, Kevin could do nothing to comfort his little brother and the soothing gestures he had done did little to ease the pain. 'I wish that Brian was here,' Kevin thought as he felt his own eyes burn with tears when Nick once again was a victim for the dry heaving. The sounds were the worst, even if the bathroom didn´t smell like roses. 'Brian would know what to do,' he concluded in his mind.

Nick looked like hell. His hair was plastered to his forehead and there were not one color onto his pale face. Instead he looked more grey than pale and the cheeks were stained with dried up tears. Between the bouts, Nick's body sagged against Kevin and he was more and more loosing strength and never in his life had Kevin felt so small as he did when he witnessed his little brother in the claws of his sickness.

When the worst cramps had calmed down he tried to get Nick to the bedroom, just to end up with another bout of heaving. Nick whimpered and moaned as sweat ran down his back, making him all wet like he recently had taken a swim.

"Man you need to get out of those wet clothes," Kevin said as he tugged on a sleeve, trying to help Nick to take off his wet long sleeved Knicks t-shirt. To his suprise there was resistance, even if Nick was so sick that he was barely coherent.

"No..no!" The young man was firm with his words. Ignoring this, Kevin continued to take off the t-shirt, suddenly he stopped. There on Nicks body sat some sort of device attatched to a belt on his stomach. A line led up to the port and some clear fluid ran through the line.

He froze. Without words Kevin knew what it was and it scared him so much. It was a chemo pump that pumped in the toxin into his friends body. To Kevin who had been into this situation before this only meant one thing.

His little brother was dying!

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 64

Kevin didn´t know how long he had sat on the tiled floor in Nick's bathroom. It felt like an eternity and he looked at the blonde mass of hair that laid on his legs. His legs and back ached something fierceful from the uncomfortable position and he needed to stretch. Shifting lightly, afraid to wake up the sleeping bundle, he moved his legs a few inches just to be met by a moan from the young man who had occupied his lap.

"Noo, don´t move," Nick mumbled half asleep. His voice was hoarse, barely audible.

Kevin, who desperatly needed to get up due to painful cramps in his calves, whispered back in a soothing tone, "Shhh...I won´t, try to go back to sleep." He continued to stroke Nick's hair like he had done all afternoon. This was the only thing that seemed to relax his friend long enough to allow him to sleep.

"I can´t." His voice was cracked and weak from the strenous vomiting that he had gone through for several hours straight.

"Why not?" Kevin stroked away a sweaty strand of hair from his friend's gaunt face, "What's troubling you?"

"I feel like I´m going to be sick again," the young man moaned, wincing as his stomach contracted once more.

'Oh no,' Kevin thought desperately as Nick stirred restlessly, sensing the alarm in the sitiuation. 'Here we go again!'

He helped the sick man to sit up and watched sadly at how Nick more or less crawled towards the bowl, too weak to stand up. Nick bent over the toilet and once more repeated what he had done so many times before. Dry heaves wracked his body as he whimpered from the pain. It had been a long time since he had anything to bring up, yet the wretching continued over and over again, not giving him any respite to breathe between the heaves. The after effects from the chemo was bad.

They had been in the small bathroom for hours, not being able to move since everytime Kevin tried to coax Nick to the bedroom his little brother was in for another round, more painful than the first one. This had resulted that he had given up any hope to move Nick and instead they had stayed in there. Kevin, sitting up, leaning his head against the tiled wall and Nick curled up into a heap, shivering on the bathroom mat. He had found a blanket and he covered up his friend who was alternating between having the chills and sweating tons.

It was dusk in the room since any light was hurting Nick's eyes and it was just as well since Kevin thought that neither of them was a pretty sight. After having one mishap Nick had stripped out of his clothes and they lay in a heap on the floor. Now he sat in a pair of boxers, the device in full view.

Kevin winced when he saw how skinny Nick was, in every part on his body except for the stomach. He felt bad when he thought about the comments he had said to his little brother. They must have hurt. When they had been on the 100 hour tour Kevin had called him pork chops knowing Nick would get been very pissed over the nickname. Kevin had laughed to the tantrum that Nick threw, thinking that he was just getting plain fat. Knowing now what he knew, facts in hand, he felt awful. "Please forgive me," Kevin whispered to Nick, who was too busy at being sick to listen.

When Nick was finally done, he sank down into a heap on the floor and for a moment Kevin feared that he had stopped breathing. Then the lifeless form moved and Kevin felt it was appropriate to ask him the question that he had already spilled for the umpth time ever since Nick got this sick.

"Are you sure you don´t want me to call your doctor? She can give you something so that you stop being so sick."

Shaking his head, Nick mumbled a weak "No!"

Kevin sighed, wringing his hands in despair. Why did his little brother have to be so stubborn?

"Bu..but," Nick's voice was weak as he whispered through cracked and dry lips, "if she has a gun she is welcome to shoot me." He smiled briefly at his own dry joke.

Kevin's stomach clenched. "Is it that bad?" he asked as he rubbed Nick's back, like he had done so many times before.

"Nah," Nick tried to smile again, but it came out as a grimace, "I´m just kidding. I feel like a million bucks." He barely had the last words out before another heave wracked his body and he was up over the bowl again, spitting bile.

This must have been a bad bout since Nick started to whimper, holding his stomach as he rode the attack out. "Oh God it hurts so much." Tears rolled down his cheeks once more.

"This is no good," Kevin muttered to himself as he stood up to fill a glass of water. Hunching down beside Nick, he handed him the glass as the last attacked died out. "You'll get dehydrated."

Taking the glass with shaky hands, Nick took a gulp of the cold water, wincing as it hit his sore throat.

"Take it easy," Kevin cooed, taking away the glass from Nick's shaky hands and holding it for him to drink. When he was done Kevin wet a towel and wiped away the sweat from Nick's body. Grateful Nick laid down again, relaxing. The worst bouts were over. For now.

Kevin sighed. Nick was slowly getting worse and he couldn´t even keep the water down anymore. He knew that the young man was prone to attracting all sorts of bugs and it wasn´t the first time that he had a hard time keeping anything down. As a matter of fact during the Black and Blue tour he had caught some bug that had him very sick for three days straight. They had all had their moments when they had been sick, yet none of them had been as stubborn as Nick who had continued to full fill the concert even if he had thrown up at the side of the stage. Another time Nick had been so sick that they had to run him fluid through an IV-line during show break.

Shaking his head Kevin looked at his friend. Being stubborn could be good, as long as it didn´t hurt someone. The road Nick had taken was no good and he didn´t like the way the young man became more and more weak after each bout.

"We need to get some fluids into you," Kevin said as he made one last attempt to change his friends mind. "There isn't any other soloution than to get you to the hospital."

Upon hearing those words, Nick's eyes flew open, "No...no I hate hospitals, besides this is not something I can´t handle..after all I´m not dying or anything even if it feels like it," he smiled weakly as if to reassure Kevin that everything was just peachy. The smile however didn´t reach his eyes as they were filled with pain. When Kevin didn´t look too amused he continued, "Dr. Andersen said that the after effects could be pretty bad when she increased the chemo and gave me this device." He patted on the white device attatched to the belt on his stomach.

Kevin nodded, "How long have you had this?"

"Since yesterday...I didn´t think that it would make me so sick so fast," Nick sighed as he was thinking over the situation, "but I´ll guess that it is good."

"Why?" Kevin frowned.

"I guess that it's working, you know. If I didn't feel so shitty then maybe it doesn't have the same effect you know." Nick looked at Kevin, eyes pleading like he wanted the older man to agree with him.

Kevin nodded, but he knew better. His dad had been just as sick and the chemo did nothing to make him better. It just seemed to weaken him more and more. "You´re tired," Kevin said as he pulled the blanket over Nick's shivering form. "Try to get some rest and maybe your stomach will have calmed down when you wake up."

"I hope so," Nick muttered, "I honestly don´t know how much of this shit I can take." Closing his eyes he wrapped the blanket tighter around him, burying himself into a cocoon.

Kevin stood up, stretching his aching legs and instantly Nick looked up from his nest, "Where are you going?" He sounded like a small child, afraid to be left alone.

"I just need to get something to eat. I´ll be right back." He patted the blonde's head. "I´ll just be in the kitchen if you need me."

"Mhm.." Nick had closed his eyes again as an overhelming exhaustion rinsed over him. Kevin waited for a moment and soon he could hear the even breaths indictating that the man had finally fallen asleep.

Suddenly the room felt small and stuffy and Kevin needed to breathe some fresh air. 'I have to get out of here,' he thought as he stumbled blindly out of the bathroom. The whole situation was choking him and his own fear rinsed over him like cold water as he once more was alone with his thoughts.

As he passed a mirror in the hallway he winced at the dishelved look it presented. He looked like crap. His shirt was unbottoned and his cargo shorts looked like he had slept in them, which he practically had. Running his hand through his short dark hair he couldn´t help to think that he looked older than before. Kevin Richardson was no young man anymore. In fact he had already started to gain some grey hairs. The fans would die if they knew that and he continued to dye it dark. Kristin, on the other hand, had nothing against that her man was maturing, since he was still looking as handsome as ever. Today there were little out of those goods.

Stepping into the kitchen the dogs came running to him, happy that there was someone to take care of them. "Hey you," he said as he opened the refrigerator and took out some dog food. The dogs wagged their tails, devouring the food he had presented to them. With a deep sigh Kevin sank down on the kitchen floor, head in his hands. It was like all of the air suddenly popped out of him, like a deflated balloon. Emotions washed over him and he started to cry. Silently.

It was starting to get too much and he had kept his posture up long enough. The flood finally broke and all the feelings inside him welled up. He hadn´t want to show Nick how bad this whole situation was effecting him. Besides, emotions always stirred up the kid. Yes, even with 22 years old on his neck, Nick was still a kid in Kevin's eyes. Now matter how old his little brother would become he was still their little brother. AJ, who was just two year older than Nick had never held that name. After all Nick was the backstreet baby.

Even if he hadn´t planned it at first Kevin had been the designated leader of the group. He was the father, the big brother and often held the lead when it came to interviews or holding a meeting. Nick on the other hand, being the youngest was wild and often had something up his sleeve and this irritated Kevin very much. He had thought that Nick was acting immature and there were more than one time that the big age difference had set them off into conflict towards each other. On top of that, they both had a hot temper. In the beginning Nick had respected Kevin, kind of looked up to him, but as years past Nick was being more of a rebel. The difference between Nick and the rest of the group was most evident when Kevin and Brian had gotten married. Then Nick turned to AJ and later Howie and went out clubbing almost every night. Even if Kevin didn´t like that kind of living he still accepted it since he had been down the same road too. Brian on the other hand had openly said how much he disliked it and that Nick was throwing his life away, drinking and playing around with different woman all the time.

For a moment Brian and Nick had drifted apart, but it looked like they were gaining back their friendship when Nick got sick with the cancer. There was something special with Nick. He was strong, strong in such a way that he never let any situation become too much for him to handle. He always found a way to deal with it. Up until now.

These days Nick was a shadow of the person that he used to be and that hurt Kevin deep in his soul. The younger man was known as being very easy going, not being far from laughter, even when he was not feeling his best. There was often a prank that he pulled on his brothers. But that was just one side of Nick. The other side was a very serious and gentle man, that had a warm heart and that cared for others. Genuinely. Nick had earned a reputation of being stupid, but nothing could be more wrong than that. He wasn´t slow in his thoughts, it was more that Nick was thoughtful, at the same time as he could say those quotes that had thousands of internet pages dedcated to him.

These past few weeks however, Kevin had a hard time detecting that liveliness that he often saw in his friend. It was like he had given up hope and was expecting the worst to come. Not that Kevin didn´t understand him, feeling so sick must be hard. But Nick was a fighter and he rarely quit. Never surrendered, not without giving up a fight. This reaction was new for Kevin and it scared him.

His thoughts were rudlely interrupted by a loud shrill from his cellphone. Picking it up from his pocket he answered, before clearing his voice. There was no need that the person on the other line would hear that he had been crying.

"Kevin Richardson," he said with a mature voice.

"Hey cus, it´s me, Bri!" A famous voice said with a slight southern accent to his tone.

Brian. A sense of relief came over Kevin as he heard his cousin's voice on the other line. Feeling like he would start to cry again, he bit his lip. There was no need to start worrying someone, yet it would feel so good to spill his guts to someone who could relate to this situation. And no one came as close to Nick as Brian.

"Hey man."

"I just wanted to check on how things are going," Brian said lightly. "Are you two are ripping each other's heads off?" There was a brief chuckle from the other end of the line.

Kevin swallowed hard, what would he answer to that question? His mind told him that if he told Brian how bad off Nick really was his cousin would book a flight back to Florida ASAP. This was not something he wanted to happen. Brian was needed with Leighanne, besides, he had to deal with this situation alone. Still he knew that if he witheld the truth, Brian would never forgive him, so he lost whatever decision he made.

Kevin opted for a white lie. "Yeah man, we're fine..although Nick is feeling a bit sick." He tried to make his tone as easy as he could.

There was silence on the other side of the line, as Brian took in the words. After a short moment he asked, "In what way?"

"Oh you know," Kevin swallowed, "he is a bit sick.. nauseous." Yeah right Kevin, he thought, a bit sick was the last thing he was. Deathly sick was another term that would fit better.

"Is he throwing up?" Brian's asked searchingly.

Kevin could tell that he was trying to estimate how bad off the "kid" really was. The words stocked up in his throat as he was about to say that everything was just peachy. Emotions dwelled up inside him again and suddenly he couldnt lie anymore, couldn´t pretend that there was nothing wrong. "Yes, actually Nick has been throwing up non stop since noon and he can't even keep water down." He drew his breath in as he continued, "Everytime I have tried to move him he is sick again." It felt so good to finally let go off the despair that he felt and caught in the emotions Kevin put his hand to his face, "God Brian.I don´t know what to do. I never seen him this sick before."

On the other end of the line he could hear his cousin breathing hard before he said with a shakey voice, "I´m booking a flight ASAP."

Upon hearing those words Kevin couldn´t help but grin, despite the seriousness in the situation. How well he knew his cousin. What else would he have expected? After all they had practically lived close to each other 24/7 for ten years and there was very little that they kept in privacy from each other. Spending so much time together made them read each other in and out and therefore often could predict what reaction that would come.

"No," Kevin took away his hands, straightening up in his seat. He wished he hadn´t told so much as he could hear how upset his cousin was. That and afraid. "Leighanne needs you, besides I will be there for him and there isn't much you can do about it anyway." He was once again acting in the level headed, mature way that was the trade mark for Kevin Richardson. The way that they all expected him to act.

"Are you sure?" Brian sounded like he was torn between being with his best friend and being with his wife. "I mean I can come down now if you want me too."

"YES! Don´t worry." Kevin's mind reeled, he couldn´t upset Brian any more than neccesary. "Besides I even think that he is getting a bit better." Another lie.

"If you say so," Brians words were slow, then he said, "Have you called Dr. Andersen? She might have something for his nausea. She prescribed something earlier on..wait..what was it called..um..something like Noz..Nez..No...gosh, I don´t remember."

"Nick doesn´t want me to call her."

"Oh, I see," Brian sighed, "Leighanne has a doctors appointment and if things work out fine we could reschedule the flight to late night tomorrow or the latest the day after tomorrow."

"Relax," Kevin said calmly. "There's no need to rush. He will be here when you come back, he ain´t going anywhere."

As he said out the words out loud a pang of pain felt in his chest. A terrible thought crossed his mind, referring back to his own memories with his father. His dad had been home from the hospital on permission and Kevin had to go to a football camp. He didn´t want to go since he had a bad feeling about it all and wanted to be there for his dad instead. His parents had assured him that nothing would happen and that he would only be gone for a week and that his father would be there when he came back home. Reluctantly, Kevin had gone to the camp just to come home to an empty house. His dad had taken a turn for the worse and was admitted to the hospital. He never returned back home, a few days later he passed away.

"I guess you're right," Brian said thoughtfully, "It just puzzles me why he is suddenly starting to become so sick." The Kentuckian was more thinking outloud than directing them to Kevin. "There have been days when he has been really sick, but this sounds like it is worse."

"It might have something to do with the portable chemo device that Nick has attached to his stomach, the older man offered, "it´s like the effects are overhelming him."

"Device? What device are you talking about?" Brian's voice raised a level as he spat out the words.

At that moment Kevin could have bit his tongue. "Eh,..you..you don´t know about the portable pump that Nick is carrying on him?" He felt puzzled and the thoughts swirled in his mind, 'Why hadn´t Nick told anyone about this?'

"NO!" There were a mix between hurt and shock, "and I am suppose to be his patient advocate," Brian sighed, "I wish he would stop hiding everything."

Kevin, feeling the urge to make everything alright again felt bad. The last thing he wanted to do was to go between the two friends since they both needed each other. "I´m sure that Nick meant to tell you, but you know things have been sort of hectic and he..."

"Yeah, yeah," his cousin interrupted him, "I know, you don´t need to make things better than they are. Nick has a habit of hiding stuff and I wish he would trust me more."

"I´m sure it has nothing to do with trust," Kevin tried to be comforting.

"Then what does it has to do with then?" The voice was very upset. "Cut it Kev, you know that Nick has a hard time in trusting people."

"Yeah, but not you."

"Yes, even me. Ever since I married Leighanne it is like we don´t connect in the same way that we used to do. I don´t know if it is my fault or not. It's like we can´t talk as openly as before." Brian's voice sounded sad.

"But you were the first one that he told about his disease. That says some things."

A snort was heard on the other end and Kevin continued, "Don´t beat yourself up too hard. Kaos is a tough nut to crack."

"Yeah I know." Brian chuckled slightly, then he sighed again, "I just wished that he would stop keeping it all bottled up inside him, you know and that he realize that we wanna be there to help him."

Kevin agreed and they talked for awhile about how stubborn their little brother could be when a noise was heard from the bathroom. It sounded like something was falling and Kevin said in a hurried tone, "I think that Nick's woke up. I have to get going."

"Okay man, but call me if there is something going on and I will call you tomorrow to hear if things are any better." Brian had a worried tone in his voice.

"You do that and Bri," the older man paused for a sec, "don´t worry I'll be here for Nick."

"Yeah I know, it´s just that I.." Brian started but was instantly interrupted by his cousin.

"Listen. I have to get going now. I think Nick needs me. Give my best to Leighanne and good luck tomorrow. I´ll call you bye." With that he clicked off his cell and moved as fast as he could to the bathroom. The sight that greeted him as he entered the small room made his stomach tighten. His friend sat or more laid hunched over the toilet, wretching his insides out, making horrible sounds, face stained with tears.

"Oh Nick." He looked so pitiful that Kevin wanted to hug the shivering form. Instead he rushed forward and draped an arm around his shoulders, to steady him.

"Whe..when is this going to sto..stop?" Nick sobbed as he rocked back and forth, his arms wrapped around his midsection, dry heaving over and over again. Getting no respite to breathe.

"I don´t know baby, I don´t know," Kevin mumbled as he held the thrembling man. The body was wet with sweat and he stroked away Nick's hair just to find his hand full of hair. Kevin could feel his own tears burning in the corner of his eyes and he felt so hopeless as he watched the miserable form infront of him.

"Kev, I don´t know if I can take it anymore." the young man whimpered as he leaned back shakily against Kevin's shoulder. Thrembling he mumbled, "I´m sorry."

"Sorry?" Kevin jerked back, "for what?"

"Fo..for being such an nu..nusiscance." Nick shivered as he tried to get his bearings.

"Nuisance? You´re not a nuisance."

"Ye..yes I am and..and I am so..sorry for ma..making you..go..go..th..through th..this." He stuttered both from the cold, but also from having a hard time saying the words out.

"What do you mean?"

"Br..Brian said that you..your dad you know the..the can..cancer..I mean..you..you..it´s ha..hard..you know" His voice was weak and he didnt have the energy to fullfill the sentence so Kevin cut him short.

"No Nick, you don´t have to appologize for anything, and yes you´re right it is hard watching you being this sick, but.." Kevin stroked Nick's hair over and over again and he could sense how his friend relaxed hearing the last words, sagging against the older man. Kevin voice was filled with emotions, "you're my little brother and I will be there for you no matter what happens." With that he hugged Nick hard as he felt his own tears run down his cheeks.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 65

After several bouts of dry heaves, Nick finally laid back down onto the tiled floor, drawing the blanket tightly around his shoulders.

Kevin sadly stared at Nick’s sleeping form. The worry was weighing heavy in his heart. He had seen this one other time in his life and he lost that person. There was no way he could deal with something like that ever again, Kevin decided as he closed his eyes. His thoughts were interrupted when Nick started whimpering.

“Jjjust lllet ma-ma-ma-me die,” he moaned as he placed a protective hand across his stomach.

“Are you gonna get sick again?”

Nick shook his head. “Ma-my ssstomach huhurts.”

Kevin looked into his little brother’s face. The color had been long since drained and his pale, ghostly features confirmed how badly Nick was feeling. As the part started coming in waves, Nick would gasp and curl into a tighter ball.

Kevin pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “You’re scaring me, I’m gonna call an ambulance and get you to the hospital.”

Nick’s head shot up. “Nnnoooo, please!”

“Nick, I can’t just sit here and watch this. You need to get help and you need to go to the hospital, you’re getting dehydrated and I know that something has to be done,” Kevin replied in an authoritative voice.

Nick kept shaking his head, moaning.

Kevin sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Okay, I’ll give you a choice, it’s either the ambulance or I drive you there, but you’re going either way.”

Swallowing hard, Nick stopped shaking his head and looked up at Kevin with red rimmed eyes. “I’m scared.”

“I know buddy, to be honest with you, I’m scared too,” Kevin soothed as he lightly stroked Nick’s arm.

Nick shivered, as another bout of chills wracked his taxed body. “Just take me,” he stated in a soft voice.

Kevin tucked the cellphone into his pants pocket. “Okay Nick, I’m gonna wet down a washcloth and clean you up a bit.”

Laying on the floor, staring at Kevin’s feet, Nick didn’t have the energy to try to sit up and opted to wait until his older brother helped him. He hated feeling so weak.

“Here,” Kevin said as he held the powder blue washcloth out. After a moment when he realized that Nick wasn’t reaching out to take it from his hands, Kevin crouched beside him and gently rubbed the cool cloth over Nick’s sweaty skin. “Feel good?”

All Nick could do was moan, it was a mixture of pleasure and agony.

“There, let me help you up,” Kevin grunted as he tried to lift the dead weight up from the floor, Nick’s legs were too weak to do it on his own.

Helping his young friend out to the garage was a challenge in itself, Nick’s dogs kept running in and out between their master’s legs and Kevin’s nearly tripping them a few times. Out of frustration, Kevin angrily kicked one of the pugs sending it spinning across the kitchen floor. The dog scurried off, yowling.

”HEY!” Nick snapped.

Sagging his shoulders, Kevin mumbled a quick apology, empty of sincerity. He guided Nick out to the car, helping him adjust the seatbelt.

“I’ll be back in a sec,” Kevin announced as he quickly slipped back into the house. Nick could hear his dogs barking again, some doors banging shut and the clattering of dishes. A few moments later, Kevin returned, a large plastic bowl in his hands. Sliding into the driver’s seat, he set the bowl on Nick’s lap with the words, “just in case.”

~*~*~*~*~

As Kevin pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Nick's stomach began knotting up. Nick was thinking how hard it was to believe that only a few months ago he had merely drove past the place, now he knew every detail, inside and out.

"I feel better Kev, let's just turn around and go back home," Nick begged when Kevin turned off the engine.

Kevin noticed that Nick sat like a rock in the passenger seat, making no attempt to take off his seatbelt. He sighed as he looked at his friend.

"You realize that if you don't walk in, I'll carry you in there."

Nick studied Kevin, narrowing his eyes. "You wouldn't dare, would you?"

"Care to find out?"

As Nick opened his mouth to reply, a sharp pain raced through his midsection. Gasping, his hands flew quickly to his stomach. By the time Kevin shot out of the car to help, Nick had already threw the door open and was hunched over, his body having fits of dry heaving again. All Kevin could do was stroke Nick’s back, in small, comforting circles.

The vomiting came on so violently, that again, Nick didn’t have anytime to catch his breath and when he finally was able to stop, he gasped for air, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks.

Fingering the device at the front of his stomach, Nick mumbled through gritted teeth, “I’m gonna shut this off!”

Kevin placed a comforting arm around his young charge. “No Nick, this will get better, just ride it out, it has to get better.”

“That’s what she said when I started radiation and look where I am now.”

Kevin bit his lip not daring to add anything to stop Nick’s negative thoughts.

“You want me to grab a wheel chair and tak---”

“No,” Nick interrupted. “I can walk.”

Kevin helped him towards the emergency entrance, Nick leaning heavily onto him, hunched over.

As the automatic double doors slid open, Nick felt his breathing quicken, panic setting in. This was the last place he wanted to come to, but he didn’t have a choice with Kevin.

“Sit down. Did you bring your wallet?” Kevin questioned in a whisper.

Wordlessly, Nick handed the brown leather wallet over. “Insurance card is behind my license.”

Clutching the plastic bowl, Nick leaned forward trying to find a comfortable position and was failing miserably. He dared not look around the lobby, afraid someone would recognize him or approach him. He thought he heard a hushed coversation coming from two girls about twenty feet from where he sat. He closed his eyes, trying to block the voices out, but was unsuccessful in blocking out all of the conversation.

On the other side of the bright waiting lounge, eighteen year old Kelly and her best friend Melissa were waiting for their turn in the emergency room. Her mouth dropped open when she saw Kevin Richardson’s tall frame walk into the admitting department.

“Mel, god, isn’t that Kevin from BSB?” Kelly whispered.

“God, yeah, he’s so damn hot too in person,” Melissa gushed as she stared.

“If that’s Kevin, who’s the blonde guy he’s with? Brian?” Kelly questioned as she continued watching Kevin help the blonde into a chair.

Melissa didn’t answer as she studied the hunched figure, waiting for him to speak or show something that would help her to recognize the man. “Oh my god, no way!” she breathed.

“What?” Kelly demanded as she looked at Melissa’s open mouthed face.

“No way!”

Kelly sunk her hand into her friend’s arm. “Tell me,” she whispered through gritted teeth.

“God, I hope I’m wrong, but doesn’t that look like Nick Carter?”

Kelly narrowed her eyes at the man, taking in his pale features. “No, can’t be, that guy’s way too thin to be Nick. Maybe it’s some friend of Kevy’s.”

“Could be,” Melissa agreed. “Shhh, he’s coming back!”

Kevin truged across the floor towards Nick. Sitting down, he leaned over and told Nick the admitting clerk didn’t say how long the wait was. He also added that he had tried to get him in right away.

“Kev, I can wait like everyone else,” Nick mumbled, clutching the bowl, trying to fend off another wave of nausea.

Leaning back into the chair, Kevin sighed and closed his eyes, trying to block out the stares he could feel on him. He had hoped the waiting area would have been filled with older people that had no clue of Backstreet but he saw the two teens that obviously recognized them. He was wishing that Nick was too sick to notice.

“Shit,” Nick grimaced, quickly leaning over and dry heaving into the bowl. Kevin quickly started rubbing Nick’s back, stealing quick glances around the room.

“Awe, Nick is really sick,” Melissa whispered to her friend.

Kelly giggled, “Well you know how he loves to party.”

Upon hearing those words, Kevin shot a not-so-nice icy glare at the young woman. She squirmed in her seat and looked quickly away.

“He wasn’t suppose to hear that,” she whispered to her friend.

“God, why can’t they take you in? You’re sick!” Kevin complained as he shifted in his seat.

“It will be my turn soon,” Nick replied, his voice barely audible.

Kevin became obviously upset when the young girl that had been staring at Nick since they arrived got called back to be seen.

“Oh for the love of God!” he breathed as he pulled himself from his chair.

“It’s okay, sit down,” Nick pleaded.

Kevin raked a hand through his hair as he paced a small area of the lobby. He would look back at Nick ever so often to make sure he was okay and still holding on.

“Nick? Is something wrong?” Kevin asked when he noticed Nick wincing and holding his stomach. “You gonna get sick again?”

“Worse I think,” he groaned.

A million things raced through Kevin’s mind. “Worse?”

“I-I have to get to the bathroom, now!” Nick stammered as he tried to stand up, only to fall back into the seat.

Kevin quickly gave Nick an arm to lean on as he helped him into the bathroom. He pushed away all thoughts of ‘what would people think about me going into a bathroom with Nick.’ Nick needed him and he would do whatever had to be done. It only took one second of watching Nick weakly try to pull his sweatpants away from the chemo device that Kevin reached out and with one pull got the pants down. Because of the help, Nick was able to sit on the toilet before he had an accident.

Nick looked up at his older brother, embarrassement evident on his face.

“It’s okay,” Kevin reassured.

“Thanks,” Nick replied sheepishly. “I think I can manage now.”

Kevin raised his eyebrows as he looked down at Nick.

“They have these cool bars for handicapped people. That would be me right now, so I think I can do it. Just wait for me outside the door, okay?” Nick joked, trying to make light of an embarrassing situation.

Kevin reluctantly left his weak brother and softly closed the door. As he leaned against the wall, he rubbed his tired eyes. He was worried more than he would allow Nick to know. It seemed that his body was trying to rid itself of the chemo and fighting Nick’s every efforts to battle the cancer that was consuming him. Kevin quickly gathered his composure when the door clicked open and Nick slowly appeared.

“Nickolas?” a nursing assitant called out as the two were walking around the corner.

“Right here,” Kevin called as he steadied Nick. He leaned in closely and whispered into Nick’s ear, “Do you think you can make it while I go grab the pail?”

“Yeah,” Nick mumbled as he continued towards the woman.

~*~*~*~*~

“Dr. Andersen? Why are you here?” Nick asked in a surprised voice when the woman entered the bay where he was laying on a cart.

Holding a clipboard, the woman started thumbing through the pages. “Your ER doctor called me because he was concerned about what is going on with you.”

Drawing the blanket up closer to his chest, Nick tried to blow it off. “Well, it’s nothing that she needed to call you on. I just had trouble adjusting to the higher dose of chemo I guess. My body sucks. They gave me an IV and some stuff for the nausea and it seems to be working.”

“That’s not what has me concerned,” Dr. Andersen said as she peered at her patient over the tops of her glasses.

Nick shifted nervously on the cart and looked pleadingly over towards Kevin. “Kev, can you go out in the lobby and wait while we talk?”

“You can talk in front of me Nick, it’s okay, it will stay between you and I,” Kevin reassured.

“No, it’s okay, I would rather just talk to her alone, I’ll send someone out to get you when we’re done.”

Reluctantly, Kevin left the curtained bay. As he walked towards the exit, he couldn’t help but notice that all of the bays were full, only a thin sheet came between each bay for privacy.

Once the heavy sound of Kevin’s footsteps faded, Dr. Andersen sat on the edge of the cart, her body turned to face her young patient.

“Nickolas, Dr. Zuckerman called when your labs came back with elevated enzymes on your liver, and it’s higher this time than it was last week when you had a blood draw in my office. Did you call and schedule the ultrasound and the CT like you said you were going to?”

Nick looked away from the woman’s gaze. “I um, kinda got busy with work.”

Dr. Andersen sighed as she continued to look at her patient. “Nickolas, this isn’t something simple like a broken bone we’re dealing with here. We are dealing with your life and anything and everything you do weighs heavily on whether you live or die. I want to help you, but I cannot help you if you don’t help yourself.”

“What difference does this make anymore? I’ve got Hodgekins and I’m more than likely going to die from this. Why do I have to keep on putting up a front? What the hell good is this?” Nick asked as he gestured to the chemo pump. “This only makes me more sick and wish I was dead.”

“I’m doing everything I medically can to prevent that, but I can’t help you if you don’t help me!”

Unfallen tears welled up in Nick’s eyes. “Just let me die, I’m done fighting.”

“Nickolas, you can’t mean that,” Dr. Andersen replied as she started flipping through the papers on the clipboard, frantically searching. Nick reached out and placed a hand on her arm.

“Turn the chemo off, I’m done with all of this,” he stated as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Y-you just feel sick right now, it will get better,” the normally unflappable doctor stammered. “Please reconsider this, you’re making a horrible mistake.”

“I’ve thought this through, I’m tired of fighting, it’s not getting any better.”

Dr. Andersen furiously scribbled notes on a sheet of paper in his chart. “We’re continuing with the IV’s and you’ll be admitted tonight for observation. You’re too weak to go home,” she stated as she got off the bed.

“Put orders in to stop the chemo and I’ll stay tonight,” Nick challenged.

“I can’t just discontinue that,” Dr. Andersen lied, “I can adjust the pump to go with a lower doseage and gradually wean you from it.”

“Whatever you have to do, just do it,” Nick breathed, his tired eyes locking on with the doctor’s.

“Would you like your friend to come back in?” the doctor asked before she left.

Wiping the tears from his cheeks, Nick shook his head. “No, not just yet, I need some time alone.”

Laying the orders for Nick to be admitted on the counter, Dr. Andersen told them to wait for a minute before they set them in motion. “I will be back to finish the papers.”

She hurried out of the emergency department the back way, towards her office on the eighth floor.

~*~*~*~

The phone ringing woke Brian Littrell from a sound sleep. His first reaction was to see if Leighanne was still sleeping next to him, his arm brushing against her shoulder. Once he was assured she was okay, he felt around the nightstand for the device to quiet it before it woke her up.

”Brian, it’s the phone” she whispered, her voice hoarse from sleep.

As he lifted the receiver up, Brian tried to clear the sleep from his dry throat.

“Yeah,” he croaked into the phone, clearing his voice again. “Yeah?”

“Mr. Littrell, this is Dr. Andersen, Nick’s Oncologist.”

Brian’s heart lept into his throat. “Oh my god--”

His shocked response, had Leighanne’s attention and she turned toward her husband, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I need to talk to you about Nickolas and I need your help as the patient advocate.”

"I'll book a flight and get there as soon as I can."

"This can't wait," the doctor responded.

Brian felt his heart sink.

"Nick is now refusing treatment and wants to die. I can't stand by him and watch this when I feel there is still something that can be done. Since I can medically say that Nick is no longer thinking clearly, I am going around him and going to now work with you, his patient advocate. He made that decision for you to speak for him when he could no longer think rationally and now is the time."

Brian swallowed hard as he listened to the doctor, opting not to interrupt. His whole body felt numb.

"He wanted the chemo discontinued, but I lied to him and told him that I couldn't do that so quickly. We are going to have to be sneaky about what we do from here on out, but I have done some research and there is still a few things I can try and I don't know if there are any percentages about success versus failure in these treatments, but I feel it's necessary to do what we can for him now. All I need is your verbal approval and I'll start this and when we meet I will get your formal consent."

"You will have it in less than twenty-four hours," Brian replied.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 66

“What the heck are you doing here? I thought you were staying in Marietta for a few days,” Kevin asked with surprise as his cousin walked into the living room where he had been laying on the couch, taking a nap.

“There was a change in plans,” Brian commented, his face looking pale.

Kevin quickly sat up. “Is everything okay with Leighanne?”

Sitting down in the wing chair opposite of the couch, Brian leaned his elbows on this thighs and cradled his head in his hands. “She’s fine.”

After a minute or so passed without Brian offering anything more in reply, Kevin pressed. “So why are you back so soon then?”

Brian shook his head. He didn’t want to break the promise he had with Nick about talking to anyone about his illness, but he suddenly realized that there was a technicality - they already knew about his illness.

“Dr. Andersen called my house earlier this morning,” Brian began as he reached for the bottle of water he sat on the coffee table. Kevin didn’t say anything. Part of him was too scared to ask while the other part wanted to give Brian the time to tell him what was going on without jumping to any conclusions. “Nick’s refused to continue his chemotherapy.”

Kevin’s eyes widened. “He what?”

“Nick refused to continue his chemo,” Brian repeated, taking a drink from the bottle. “She called me with her concerns and the fact that I’m Nick’s patient advocate she said I was her only hope.”

“So you convinced Nick to keep on with the chemo?”

Brian shook his head. “No, not exactly.”

Kevin waited for Brian again and watched as he leaned back into the chair, lifting his face towards the ceiling.

“Kev, I’m not sure if I overstepped my boundries,” Brian sighed, tears slipping down his cheeks.

“Brian, just because you told the doctor to keep on with Nick’s chemo didn’t overstep any bounds,” Kevin defended.

“God, I wish it were that simple,” Brian sighed.

“Is there something more going on than what I know about?”

Brian raked a hand through his hair. “Kinda.”

“Kinda? Kinda how?”

Brian held his hands up. “Kev, please, let me explain okay, I need to think about how I want to say this!”

Kevin’s stomach started twisting in knots with worry. He was dreading what he figured Brian would be telling him but fought the urge to make any comments until his cousin spoke to him.

Sighing loudly, Brian began. “The doctor said she was alarmed about Nick’s lab results. She said they were lousy and some of the levels were off the chart for certain things and she is suspecting that the cancer could be advancing.”

“Oh dear God,” Kevin sighed, tears filling his eyes.

“She has a plan and we’re going to implement it, but Nick won’t even know we’re doing something specifically different to him, he’s going to be convinced that he’s being weaned from the chemo and getting something herbal by mouth to boost his immune system. That’s why I feel so bad about all of this,” Brian said as he leaned forward, cradling his head in his hands.

“Brian, you’re Nick’s spokesperson, you’re doing what he wants you to do,” Kevin said in a reassuring voice.

“But to lie to him?”

“You’re not lying to him, you’re protecting him,” Kevin theorized. “What did this doctor think this will do for Nick? Buy him more time?”

“Basically she said from what shes read on this is that it could trick his body into remission and hopefully stall any of the cancer from spreading but she cautioned that this may have some unpleasant side effects.”

“I’m sure it can’t be all that unpleasant,” Kevin remarked.

“I don’t know,” Brian said, covering his face with his hands, leaning back once again.

“Well then, what did she think could happen that’s so god-awful-horrible?”

“Mood swings for one,” Brian confessed.

“With Nick? That’s normal,” Kevin grinned lightly.

A small smile tugged at Brian’s lips. “Yeah, I guess you’re right about that one.” His face suddenly grew serious once more. “Well, then there’s weight gain--”

“Again, with Nick that’s normal, besides, he’s starting to look a little too thin lately.”

“We’re all gonna help our little brother, without him even suspecting we’re helping him out,” Kevin said, his voice sounding strong and convincing. Brian took a moment to collect his thoughts before he left the car to walk into Dr. Andersen’s office. There were so many things that were plaguing his mind both good and bad.

Sighing, he leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. Nick had placed a huge responsiblity on Brian’s shoulders by designating him as his patient advocate. There had to be a good reason for that, but Brian couldn’t think of any, his mind was only filled with doubt. “God, I wish I had a sign or something that this is the right thing I’m going to do,” he prayed.

Opening his eyes, he saw a young woman with a small child walking past the row of cars towards the entrance. She held out her hand for the boy to take as they crossed over to the front doors of the building.

Forgetting his own world at the moment, Brian grinned at the sight. An innocent child having nothing but complete trust in his mother. His grin eased as the memories of his first tour with a young, shy Nick Carter crept into his mind....

Flashback “Nick, hey, you can talk to me, what’s wrong?” Brian asked as he sat on the bed next to the form buried underneath the blankets.

“Leave me alone!”

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk, c’mon y’all can’t keep it inside forever,” Brian remarked as he touched what he hoped was the boy’s shoulder.

“You’ll just tease me like the rest of them so why tell you?”

“I promise I won’t tease you.”

It took a few moments before Nick’s blonde head emerged from under the cloak of blankets, his cheeks stained with tears. “That AJ guy told me they were gonna leave me and I would have to figure out how to get home.”

Brian’s face paled. “AJ told you what?”

Nick sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. “He said I was a pain in the butt and he told me that I mess things up for everyone because I’m the youngest. He said he was gonna beat me up and leave me and I would have to find out how to get back to Florida on my own.”

“Aww, Nick, that’s never gonna happen and you know it,” Brian reassured.

Nick’s blue eyes grew wide. “No he promised me that it would and he told me not to tell anyone or he would find me and do something bad.”

Brian couldn’t help but smile at the young boy’s innocence. “Nick, as long as I’m with you, nothing will ever happen to you.”

“You promise?”

Brian made a gesture on his chest. “Cross my heart and hope to die. I’ll always take care of you, no matter what.”

Nick’s brow furrowed. “Even when I’m sick and puking my guts out?”

“No matter what.”

End of Flashback Slowly shaking his head, Brian felt that this was the sign that he had prayed to be shown. With renewed strength, he eased his body out of Nick’s car and trudged towards Dr. Andersen’s office.

Walking down the hall, Brian found he had to stop and look at the sign telling him which suite the doctor’s office was located. When he had been in there with Nick, he simply followed the tall man, never paying attention to where they were going.

The antiseptic smell in the air made Brian shudder when he opened the door to the doctor’s waiting room. There was a young woman sitting at the reception desk and she acknowledged Brian with a broad smile.

“I have an unscheduled appointment to see Dr. Andersen,” he stated in a hushed tone.

The girl quickly stood up. “She’s been expecting you, I’ll take you back to her office.”

Quietly, Brian followed the girl through the maze of halls towards the back. She knocked quietly on the closed oak door, opening it slightly when a woman answered. Turning to Brian, she motioned for him to go past her into the room.

The woman stood up and offered her hand. “Thank you for coming so quickly, Mr. Littrell.”

“It’s Brian,” he corrected.

The doctor smiled a thin, tight smile. “Nickolas is being very stubborn.”

“That’s pretty much Nick’s nature.” Brian shifted in the chair, leaning forward. He anxiously waited while Dr. Andersen thumbed through Nick’s thick chart.

Dr. Andersen looked up at Brian. “I don’t know if you fully understand the disease that Nick has.”

“Yes, actually I’ve done some research on the internet when Nick finally told me what was going on with him.”

“I see, then you know how important it is to keep Nickolas on chemotherapy and the other treatments I’ve ordered for him?”

Brian nodded in reply, studying the woman’s face for clues as to where she would be leading with this.

“I’m hoping that since he has ordered you as the patient advocate you’d be able to talk to him and convince him that what we’re doing is trying to save his life. I’m afraid he doesn’t realize the consequences of his decision.”

Swallowing hard, Brian tried his best to keep his emotions in check. His vision became blurred with unshed tears. “Just how bad is he?”

The doctor removed her glasses and set them aside on the oak desktop. “The only way to say this is to just be blunt with you. Nick’s condition is guarded and he’s not into remission, but we really haven’t been treating him that long yet. I’m trying to get his system to go into remission and by doing the chemo we have a good chance of fighting this. I was planning on starting some more radiation again next week, as soon as he seems stronger, but with him not wishing to continue his therapy, my hands are basically tied.”

“Well, if he didn’t get so sick, I think he would tough it out.”

“I told him we have to take the good with the bad. I placed him on a higher dose of chemo because they were certain things that kept indicating that his cancer wasn’t slowing,” Dr. Andersen sighed. “I’m suspecting that there is more going on with Nickolas than what he is telling us.”

“How?”

“Just a theory at this point, but he has refused me checking his adomen several times and his labs are still pretty iffy.”

“Nick’s always been sensitive about his stomach,” Brian defended.

“This is a different type of refusal, almost like he’s hiding something or afraid I’ll find something. It’s just a guess and I’m hoping I’m way off in thinking this, but from years of clinical experience, I have my suspicions.”

“What do you need me to do then? Sign papers? I’ll do anything you want me to do, just do what it takes to get Nicky better.”

“I just need you to convince him that he needs to stay focused on getting better and not give up. I can give him more medications for his nausea but it’s just going to take some time for him to get adjusted to the new levels of chemo. He needs to stay on three weeks and then he will get a break for one week and go on again, mind you, he will feel so good during the off week that he will try and quit going back for his next round of chemotherapy again. My plan during the week off will be for radiation therapy which is important for Nickolas to continue.”

The doctor paused, looking at the pale man that sat across from her desk. “Are there any questions?”

Brian sat rigid in the chair, clenching his jaw, eyes fixed on the floor. He was afriad to speak, fearing he would start bawling like a blubbering idiot. He finally managed a slight shake of his head.

“Are you going to be alright? Can I get you something?”

Brian jerked, tearfilled eyes locked onto Dr. Andersen’s. Quickly wiping his eyes with his fingers, he mumbled “yeah, thanks.”

“I be in contact with you later.”

~*~*~*~

Brian’s footsteps echoed in the long, dark hall as he walked towards Nick’s room. He wrung his hands as he kept thinking of the task at hand and knew how Nick would respond to what he had to say. Living on and off with Nick for nearly ten years, Brian could say that he knew the kid as well as the back of his own hand.

Pushing his own feelings of doubt, Brian pasted a smile on his face as he crested the threshold of the private room that Nick occupied. His heart caught in his throat as he caught the sight of his sick friend laying on his side in the bed, the chemo device laying on the bedstand, still attached to the port in his chest.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Nick softly questioned, his face a mask of confusion. “I thought you were going back home.”

Managing a grin, Brian approached the bed and sat on the edge. He reached out and gently squeezed Nick’s leg. “That’s the same greeting I got from Kevin when I got to your house. You guys are going to give me a complex.”

Nick eyed his best friend suspiciously.

“Seriously Nick,” Brian tried to reassure the blonde.

Not letting up on his stern gaze, Nick pressed. “Why are you here?”

“I missed you.”

“Bullshit. You’re lying Littrell,” Nick spat.

Brian sighed. “Alright, so I’m a lousy liar, but I really do miss you and worry about you.” Nick’s stare never eased and Brian squirmed under the scrutiny of the young man’s eyes. “Nicky, I need to talk to you.”

Before Brian could begin, Nick rolled his eyes. “I know where this is going already.”

“Can you just give me a chance and hear me out?”

“Yeah.. okay,” Nick snapped, folding his arms across his chest as he turned onto his back.

Brian met Nick’s hard glare, not looking away. “At least approach this with an open mind?”

Nick sighed dramatically. “Okay, sure.”

Brian searched for the words to say to his young brother, letting his heart guide him in his explanation. At first Nick’s expression never eased, he looked like he was bound and determined to do what his mind had decided and no one was going to change his thoughts until Brian uttered three very shocking words: you will die.

Upon hearing those words, Nick’s glare dissapated and tears welled in his eyes.

Brian’s face suddenly became pale as he gazed at Nick. “Y-you had no idea?” he stammered.

Nick had tucked the thought that the cancer could kill him in the back of his head. He figured that if he didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t happen. Hearing Brian confirm his biggest fear that he could die from this was as if someone threw a glass of ice water into his face. The tough front he had drawn up was suddenly let down. The unshed tears that pooled in his eyes finally fell, his body wracked in sobs.

“I don’t wanna die.”

Bending forward, Brian wrapped his arms around Nick and held him as they both wept.

Swollen Issues - Chapter 67

"Aaron Charles Carter! You get your butt down here this minute!" Jane's angry words were heard from downstairs, yet Aaron chose to ignore them. Pulling the blanket over his head he blocked out unwanted sounds, feeling sorry for himself.

The reason for his mother's outburst was called Miss Jones! She was a middle aged woman who had been a high school teacher since the stone age, this was according to Aaron. His regular tutor Cara, was on her honeymoon and this new teacher served as a subsitute for a few weeks. Aaron was pissed over the fact that he had to study and couldn´t get a vacation. She was also too old fashioned for his liking, and he rebelled loudly over this. It added up that she was making his life miserable with giving him tons of homework and also stating that he was lacking behind other students at his age and he needed to study more. Especially math and science.

Aaron tought she sucked. It didn´t matter how many times he had tried to say that regular kids his age didn´t have to preform every night and also had obligations to his fans and had to attend press conferences and stuff like that. Cara had known what he had talked about and she was smart enough to cut down on the studies when he was having way too many projects on his hands.

In a heated discussion when Aaron had neglected doing his homework he had pointed out that he had no intention of learning such crap like algebra and math. After all, he was a popstar and was wealthy enough to hire other people that did his figures. Mrs Jones, he didn´t even know or care about her first name, had grandchildren in Aaron age and she didn´t buy his arguement. Instead she said that he needed to study better or she would fail him and to her it didn´t matter if he was the king of Saudi Arabia.

This only served to add more fuel to the discussion and when the teen had told his tutor off by saying that he was already making more money than she would do in a lifetime and that he had the power to fire her anytime he wanted. The last words were not true. For some unknown reason Mrs. Jones was very well liked by his mother and he knew that he couldn´t quit school even if he wanted too.

He must have upset his teacher a great deal since she barked at him that he was a rude and obnoxious boy and that she would call his mother and tell about her sons bad attitude. Being in a pissy mood, Aaron had yelled back that he didn´t care and that she was an old bitch. Then he had gathered his books and fled out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him. Without any explanation he had told his body guard to take him away from this place and they had left for home.

Judging from the angry tone his mother had, that old bitch had made reality of her threat. And now it was time for him to pay the price.

Sighing, Aaron thought that his life sucked. Big Time! His days were filled with either rehersals or different sorts of promotions, that was when he wasn´t in the studio working on his new album. When he wasn´t working he was studying, and this meant that he had very little spare time. The obligations were hard on him and when he had his black days he thought that they all wanted something from him. If it wasn´t the love that the fans gave as well as the concerts he would have said screw it to the business a long time ago.

Just like Nick, he loved meeting people and talk to them, altough it sometimes got too much and he wanted to hide from all publicity. Nick used to give him good advice what to do and say, but the difference was that whenever he didn´t feel like talking he always had someone to back him up, one of the other guys. When Aaron was a bit off the whole world, the teen world, would know it. But going solo had it´s advantages too. He didn´t have to take four other guys, excluding management's opinions, into consideration.

But Nick was never there for him anymore, being too busy at working with his solo album and the new BSB cd. He didn´t return the calls when Aaron left a message on his answering machine, and if he happened to catch his brother, Nick was always too busy to talk. Thinking about this made him feel sad and low. He hadn´t seen his older brother since Christmas and then Nick had been mostly to himself, feeling sick all the time. Sometimes Aaron missed him so much that it made his stomach ache and when he didn´t get to be with him it felt líke an important part was missing in his life.

Nick always made him feel so happy!

'Why is it like this?' Aaron thought miserably as his mind drifted off to his father's strange behavoir while coming back home from spending a few days with Nick. Bob had seemed sullen and withdrawn and when he had asked how Nick was doíng he had tried to change subject. One night he had heard his mom and dad discuss Nick, and Jane had been pretty rough when it came to what she thought about his life. She thought that he was messing up his life, throwing away opportunities the way he was partying. She had even suggested Bob to talk to Nick about counselling so he could deal with his alleged drug problem. On top of everything she had nagged about his weight and decided to call an dietician so Nick would get into shape again.

His father had tried to convince Jane that Nick actually lived a pretty calm life and that he wasn´t into partying anymore. She still had her mind made up and she said that Nick was a bad influence to his little brother. When Bob had said that it wasn´t so, Jane had gotten upset, saying that he always took Nick's side and the fight had become a fact. His parents often fought these days and when it all got too much Aaron had snuck off into Angel's bedroom. They had an agreement that whenever one of them felt lonley the other could sneek up in the others bed without feeling bad for it.

The more he thought about his brother the more it ached his heart. Lots of rumors were out there saying that Nick was either into this or that. Some people thought he used drugs, some that he had an eating disorder. He was so sick and tired of other people judging his brother and he didn´t want to listen to any of the crap that lurked out on the web. But the recent pics that he had found on Nick made him think that there might be some fuel to the rumors. Nick's face looked very skinny while his stomach was big and bloated. It scared him!

There were also some disturbing rumors that Nick was sick. Seriously sick. He had pushed those thoughts aside. Two fans had stated that they had met his brother at a hospital in Tampa and that Kevin had accompanied him. According to them, Nick had been very sick and they said that he looked like he had lost lots of weight. Aaron had dismissed it all, saying that it was bull. If Nick was seriously ill he would tell it to his family first. Wouldn´t he?

His thoughts were rudely interrupted by his mother who knocked hard on his door. "AARON!" Her voice told him that she was on the warpath. "Young man, you better open this door this instant!"

Pulling the pillow over his head, Aaron did his best to ignore his mothers constant nagging outside. He had tried talking to her about how worried he felt about Nick and that those girls that had seen him at the hospital. She hadn´t been listening, all wrapped up in his upcoming promotion and he had given up the conversation since it lead nowhere. When he had told his dad about the pics of his older brother Bob had tensed and then changed the subject very fast. It was like Nick lately was a tabu issue to discuss.

"Aaron Carter I know that you are in there." The door handle rattled violently, "OPEN UP! NOW!!"

Knowing that he couldn´t stall the inevidible any longer, he dragged his feet across the room to the door and unlocked it. Without waiting for her to come in he walked back to the bed again and laid down, staring at the wall. No words were spoken.

Bursting in, his mother yelled angrily, "When I tell you to open the door, you do that without any delay. Is that understood? And dont you dare to ignore me one more time!" She stood in the middle of the floor, hands to her side and Aaron didn´t know when he had seen his mother this upset before. Not since BJ had got a speeding ticket.

"Whatever," the teen muttered silently. Tears had formed in his eyes but he did his best to blink them away. Noticing this his mother calmed down a bit, sitting down on the side of his bed.

"Aaron what is it?"

Not answering, he focused on a brown spot on the navy blue wallpaper.

Getting no response, Jane's already tested temper flared up again, "Mrs. Jones called and she told me that you were skipping school today. Is that true?"

Shrugging Aaron didn´t respond.

"Aaron when I am talking to you I want you to look at me," she said coldly as she turned his head towards her. Not at all satisfied with her sons behavoir Jane continued, "She also said that you have a very bad attitude and that you called her bad names. Why did you do that?" His mom was doing her best not to shout at him and he could see that it took all her strength to remain calm.

There was silence as Aaron avoided his mothers eyes.

"That is no way to talk to dear Mrs. Jones."

Upon hearing his mothers sweet sickly words he felt ill. He could swear that Jane's fondness for this old bitch had something to do that Mrs. Jones oldest son was the vice president for one of the biggest music magazines in the States. It was all business to her. Nick had jumped off her gravytrain a few years earlier when he thought that she interferred too much with his work. Sometimes Aaron felt the same. Even if he loved her it wasn´t easy to grow up having a stage mom!

"Aaron why did you do that?"

"Because she is a bitch! That´s why!" he snapped back.

"AARON!" The calm that his mother had so hard tried to achive was gone with the wind and instead she scolded him, "That is NO way to talk and I won´t tolerate you using that kind of language again." Red in her face she continued, "You will have to appologize to Mrs. Jones for that attitude."

"I will not!" Aaron was stubborn.

"Yes you do. You will NOT leave this room until you have called her up and appologized. I don´t care if it takes all night, you need to be taught how to behave, young man. In this house we don´t use that kind of language." "Well I still ain´t gonna appologize to that hag!" Biting his lip the teen continued to ignore his mothers stern eyes. "She wants me to do algebra mom," Aaron whined when he saw that a bad attitude didn´t get him anywhere.

"You´re becomming as bad as Nick and that is a thing that I won´t tolerate. What if the press find out how bad you treat other people."

So that was the deal Aaron thought darkly. Her mom was afraid that the press would get wind that he wasn´t as perfect as they all tried to make him out to be. He was fed up with always trying to please everybody. It sucked and sometimes he wanted to let everyone see what a bad ass of a son he could be.

Sighing his mother suddenly stood up, "This is NOT the last thing we discuss on this issue. Now you are going to call Mrs. Jones and like I said before you are not leaving this room until that task is fulfilled."

"Well I ain´t!" Aaron pouted.

"If that is the attitude that you are going to show I have just one word to say to you." Standing up she stared hard at the obnoxious teen, "You´re grounded!"

"But Moooom!" Aaron whined, suddenly feeling very sorry for himself.

"No buts, you´re grounded and that is that." With those words she marched out of the room. As soon as his mother was out of the view Aaron flipped his index finger up yelling after her, "Fuck off!" Tears were streaming down his face. She never understood anything.

"I heard that," Jane called out from the hallway.

"SHIT!" He could have slapped himself in his head. She had been listening outside and now his ass was grass. Like he didn´t have enough trouble as it was! To his surprise his mother didn´t return.

After sulking on his bed for a while he decided that he had to do something about the situation at hand. The rumors about Nick was eating up inside of him and he longed so much to talk to his older brother that it ached. Pulling out his cellphone he dialed his brothers number. There were several signals before anyone answered the phone.

"Brian." A famous accent said on the other line.

"B´rok?" The surprise that the young boy felt when he heard his brothers best friend answering the phone had no limits.

"AC?" Brian asked cautionsly, "Is that you?"

"Yeah man, where is Nick? Why isn´t he answering?"

A muffled sound was heard and Aaron could hear someone talking in the background. Brian had covered the phone with his hand and he could swear that he heard Kevin talking further away. Tensing his ears he tried to detect what they were saying. He could figure out the words Nick, sick and talk.

"Is Nick sick or somethin'?" he asked as when Brian came back online again.

"No!" The word was said a bit too quick. "Eh..eh..I mean he is , but..but it is nothing to worry about..eh." Brian was stuttering and this had Aaron even more suspicious. Why hadn´t his parents mentioned that he was sick? "He just have a cold."

"Okay, can I talk to him then?"

"Hmmm, well that might be a problem..he..he..is asleep." There were something in the Kentuckian's voice that had Aaron doubting his words.

"Asleep? You mean in bed with a girl don´t ya?" Aaron joked, expecting Brian to laugh back.

"No AC, he is asleep." There was no humor in the older mans voice at all. It had Aaron a bit confused since Brian usually made some joke and laughed around when he talked to him. This time however he was dead serious, almost sounding a bit bored. If married life did that to you he would never get married. No way!

"This time of day? You gotta be kidding me? Is he laying on his deathbed or something? Or did he party way too hard last night?" Aaron said lightly. He tried to act like things didn´t bother him but it was. What if those rumors about him partying so hard was true after all. What else could he be doing sleeping at three o'clock in the afternoon?

"As I said before, he is a bit ill and is taking a nap." Brian explained before changing the subject very fast. "So how are you doing AC? Nick tells me that you will soon be on the road again, touring?"

"Like he would know," Aaron muttered silently to himself.

"What? What did you say?"

"Oh nothing, I was just thinking out loud." He laughed nervously.

"Oh," He didn´t think that the older man was buying that story, yet he was greatful that he didn´t press on. If there one thing Aaron had learned it was not to speak in certain situations.

There was a brief silence again and for the first time, Aaron noticed that Brian, who often was very talkative to him, seemed uncomfortable for some unknown reason. "Yeah," he mumbled intending to break the deafening silence. "I´m about to go on a promotion tour here in the States. We're starting tomorrow."

"Awesome," Brian chuckled. "Maybe I can come and watch you sometime."

"Mhmm.."

Another pause.

"Anyway,I can tell Nick that you called and that he should call you back. How is that?"

"Yeah..yeah do that." Aaron highly doubted that Nick would call him back. He hadn´t returned his message for a long time and he was getting more and more sure that he had done something to upset his brother. There had been endless nights staying in hotel rooms were he had thought over the situation and gone through events that could have lead his brother to ignore him.

All he could think of was that it had something to do with Christmas when they both had caught that nasty flubug. Maybe if he hadn´t gone crying to Brian, Nick wouldn´t be upset with him. But he had felt so bad and since Nick was also sick he had gone to Brian for comfort. If there were one thing Aaron hated it was being sick and alone. He knew that his parents and the Littrell's had come into some kind of arguement and early on Christmas Eve Brian and Leighanne left the hotel without further explanation. Nick had been sullen and said nothing and the situation had been rather pressed. To tell the truth Aaron hadn´t cared much what was going on since he was spending the whole day with either his head or ass perched over the toilet. It had been a Christmas Eve that had gone to history as the worst one ever!

The following days had sucked too since both him and Nick had been sick and they didn´t have any chance to do something fun together. A few days later Nick got arrested. When that happened Aaron was out touring and he never got any chance to see his brother.

"Aaron you´re still there?" Brian asked when he had heard nothing from the teen for a long while.

"Yeah..eh..sorry. I was just thinking."

"Okay, well don´t hurt yourself." There was a chuckle which had Aaron smiling. Brian always tried to cheer up and situation and next to Nick he was the best in the Backstreet Boys. When he had been touring with the guys, back in the early days over in europe Brian was like a second brother to him. AJ was also pretty cool and he taught him stuff that Nick thought was disgusting, but funny.

"I have to go now since we are going to the studio to do some recording and the guys are leaving now. I'll let Nick know that you called, okay?"

"Sure." There were so many questions in the young teens head as he tried to come up with a logical explaination while his brother ignored him all the time. He also wanted to ask if Nick also was coming down to the studio. But he didn´t know if he wanted the answer to that one. What if Nick wasn´t sick? What if he had stopped loving him? Aaron felt the tears burn again and he did his back to hold them back. Swallowing hard he tried to force the lump in the back of his throat down.

Just as Brian uttered, "Well see ya later, take care and.." he cut him off.

"Brian?" he called out as fast as he could.

"Yes?"

"Eh..eh..can you..eh.." Aaron hated the stuttering he did when he felt unsure about a situation. It made him sound like a dork. "Eh..uh..te..tell Nick that I..lov..uh..miss him, ok?"

He could almost hear Brian smiling. "Yes, I will do that and Aaron.."

"Aha?"

"Nick loves you too."

This time it was Aarons turn to smile.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 68

"Mom, where's Aaron?" Angel mumbled as she grabbed a piece of white bread from the breadbasket. Picking up the butterknife, she smeared the bun as she awaited an answer.

"Yes, where is he?" Bob asked like he suddenly noticed that his youngest son was missing at the dining table. "Isn't he feeling well?"

Setting down the bowl of spaghetti on the table, Jane wiped off her hands on a napkin, "No. He is grounded," she said coldly as she sat down at the table.

"Grounded?" The surprise couldn´t be mistaken.

"Yes." No further explanation was offered.

"Why?"

"He was rude to his teacher," Jane stated as she scooped up a bowl of spaghetti onto her husband's plate."

"Rude?" Bob frowned.

"Yeah he called her a bitch!" Leslie offered with a grin. Angel laughed too, pasta spraying on the table infront of her.

"Gross!" Leslie commented on her little sister who grinned widely.

"Young lady that is no way to act. You have a bad table manners!" she scolded her young daughter. "And Leslie I don´t like it when you take those words into your mouth."

"Jeeze," the teen muttered, "I was just repeating what he said." Jane glared at her daughter which had the girl stop talking. Bob on the other hand wasn´t inclined to stop. Instead he demanded more information.

"Did Aaron say THAT?

"Yes," Jane nodded, "I don´t know what is going on with that boy. He have such an obnoxious attitude lately." Rubbing her hand over her eyes she said tiredly, "He is becoming more and more like Nickolas."

Ignoring the last sentence he said, "Well I better have a talk with him and straighten him out." Pushing his plate back he stood up, just to be stopped by his wife.

"No Bob leave him alone. Aaron needs to re-think his own behavoir. He is suppose to call up Mrs. Jones and appologize."

"He´d never do that," Angel whispered to her older sister. Agreeing the both girls giggled.

"Young ladies if you have something to say you better speak up now." Jane Carter was not in a good mood. Not answering, the two teens looked down at their plates. There was silence so thick that you could cut it with a knife until Angel spoke up, "Why doe Nick never calling us anymore?"

Bob tensed.

Noticing his reaction Jane looked at her husband, "Yes Bob. Did Nick say anything while you were in Tampa why he is neglecting his family all the time?" She sounded hurt.

This was a conversation that Bob had feared for all the time. He didn´t like to lie. He had not said anything to Jane and this was eating him up inside. It wasn´t fair that his wife knew nothing about their son's illness, yet he couldn´t betray Nick's trust. The fear that his son would never forgive him was too strong "Eh,..uh.." Bob didn´t know what to say as he was searching for the right words, "He is si..I mean he is working hard on the album and is very busy right now. He also mentioned that as soon as he would have some time off he would come down to us."

He desperately was trying to be convincing, more to himself than to anyone else. It was hard to grip that his son suffered from cancer and it was all so surreal. Ever since he had come back from Tampa last week his mind had never left his firstborn son. When he had called Nick the other day and had been met with Kevin's voice there were seconds when he feared the worst. Then Kevin had told him that Nick was at the hospital since he had become very sick from the chemotherapy. He wanted to take the next flight back to Tampa but Kevin had reassured him that everything was fine and that he would be better again. Not entirely satisfied he had left it reluctantly.

"BOB! Are you listening at all?"

Getting rudely jerked back into reality he looked up, a bit confused, still sitting with a fork in his hand. Angel and Leslie had stopped eating and they looked at him too.

"Are you alright?" Jane asked with concern as she laid a hand on his arm in a comforting way.

"Yeah..yes," He put the fork down, running a hand through his hair. "I guess I´m just a bit tired." Smiling paley back he tried to reasssure his wife that everything was just peachy.

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"Eh..No."

Jane sighed, "Well I said that maybe we could ask Nick if he wanted to come down here next weekend. After all it's been awhile since we met and maybe he could talk to Aaron. Straighten out his attitude." The young teen looked up to his older brother and he was the only one that he would listen too. It was all worth a shot.

"Um..well..ok." Bob acted along, although he doubted that Nick would accept such an invitation. Not when he was batteling the effects that the chemo was giving him.

"Oh my! You sure are excited!" Jane's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Sorry...I..I was just thinking. Actually do you really think that it would be a good idea?"

His wife frowned, saying nothing.

"I mean..he is really busy and maybe the timing is bad and.."

His wife interrupted him, "Weren´t you the one that suggested after coming back from Tampa that we would bring Nick over?"

"Ye..yes..but that was different." He was digging his own grave."

"Yes? How come?" There was challenge in the woman's voice.

"Back then he was on small break." He knew how hollow the words sounded, yet he couldn't do much to straighten out the situation.

"Really?" Not believing her husband she continued with suspecion, "What made you change your mind?"

This charade had to be stopped. It was getting harder by the minute to keep the secret hidden from the rest of the family. It was a too big burden to carry by himself. Taking a sip of milk the older man tried to think of something to say, as he sensed that Jane was staring, waiting for him to give out an answer.

"Well?" She was impatient.

As Bob opened his mouth Angel was the one that cut into the conversation. "If Nick wanted to come he would have at least called us," she complained. "God, I´m so tired of either Nick this or Nick that. Leave the guy alone he is like..like 22 years old." With that she suddenly stood up.

"Angel sit down!"

"All you guys ever talk about is either Nick or Aaron. I´m getting fed up with this." Red in her face she yelled out the words. Like she was finally getting enough.

"You sit down this instant!" Jane said with a harsh voice. Bob sighed. Their children were all being rebels.

"You only care about them!" With that the teen rushed out from the room, leaving them stunned.

"Angel!" Bob called out as their daughter was out of view. He stood up to follow when he heard his wife utter desperately, "Not her too, what did I do to deserve such obnoxious kids? First Nick and then BJ and Aaron and now Angel!" She sighed deeply.

Sensing that his wife was in a fragile state, ready for a breakdown he turned towards his older daughter, "Leslie can you go and see how Angel is doing? I want to talk to your mom."

Nodding the girl stood up and then left the room to tend to her sister. As soon as they were alone in the room Bob laid a comforting hand on his wife's shoulders. "It´s not your fault."

"Sometimes I wonder." Her shoulders were in a hunched up position and the tiredness in her voice was unmistakeable. "They are all turning against me."

"No, they are just being like all teens. Trying to break free from us. " Bob sighed. He too was worried over the path it all was taken. But what had him scared was how the family would react to the news about Nick's illness. "I will have a talk with them. Straighten them all up."

Jane nodded as she took away her husband's arm from her shoulder. Turning to him she looked him straight into his eyes, "You´re not keeping anything from me, are you?"

Upon hearing these words Bob jerked, "NO! What makes you think that?"

"Ever since you came back from Nick's you have acted differently. More distant. It's like something is troubling you."

"It is nothing." He looked down.

"BOB, we have been married for 23 years and we've had our ups and downs. I can sense when something is bothering you." She drew in her breath shakily like she was afraid to say the words. "You..you´re not.." There were a brief pause.

Closing his eyes Bob waited for the inevitable to be said.

"Bob is there another woman?" The words were uttered in a fast speed.

"NO!" Bob felt upset. Was Jane accusing him of cheating?

"Are you being honest to me?" Doubt evident in her voice.

"Yes!" He calmed down and said taking her hand, "Honey you are the only one for me and you know that."

"Good," She let out a sigh of relief. "Then what is it?"

"I said it was nothing."

"God, Now I know where the boys got their stubborness from." She smiled briefly before she set her eyes in him again, "It´s about Nick isn´t it?" Before Bob had a chance to answer she asked, "Is he on drugs again?"

"Again? Was he ever?" Jane was listening way too much to the rumors out there. He didn´t make a saint out of Nick and there were many times when he had been very upset on his oldest son. Being a follower Nick had a habit of listening way too much at other people and he was easy to trick into following them. Even if he really liked AJ McLean he still thought that the boy had been bad news. Jane on the other hand liked Alex very much since he was always a charming prince around her. What AJ thought of Jane was a different story.

"You know what I mean," she sneered. "Nick has been partying way too much and I don´t like the people that he hangs out with. That Mike guy and Tony are bad news."

"Well he isnt seeing them so much anymo.." Bob stared getting cut off by his wife.

"You are always taking Nick's side and sticking your head in the sand. Can´t you see that the boy has some serious problems?" Her voice was shrill.

"Yes honey," Bob said with a nod. Deep inside he thought, 'Nick has some serious problems but it is not in the way that you think it is.'

"But Nick told me that he has slowed down on the clubbing."

"That is not what I have heard," she sneered back. Nick's manager called me and said that he had been spotted at a hospital in Tampa the other day. Drunk and sick." She sighed, "That is not good since the press will find out and soon it is all over the world. And that is the last thing we need before the promotion of the new Backstreet Boys album." She rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I think we had enough of bad publicity when Nick was arrested."

"JANE Listen." Bob felt his temper flare up. "Nick is NOT on drugs."

"Not? Then what is it?" She asked impatiently. Before could get his breath back she continued, "I tried to call him yesterday on his cell to ask him about that hospital stay but then it was Brian that answered the phone." She shook her head, "I tell you there is something fishy going on. You have any idea what Brian is doing there?"

"Maybe he is visiting." Bob suggested.

"Maybe." She wasn´t buying the explanation. "What more is that everytime I call it is either Brian or Kevin that is answering the phone. That is strange." Turning to her husband she went silent. "Bob if you know anything about this I would like you to say it." Her eyes were pleading. "Please. After all I am his mother." The last words were filled with pain like she suspected that something was terribly wrong.

Upon seeing this, Bob felt like he would explode. His heart ached when he saw how defeated and burned out his wife looked. He knew that she had endless and sleepless nights behind her where she worried about her sons, especially Nick. The strict businesswoman that he was used seeing was nowhere in sight. The one that knew what strings to pull to get what she wanted. The one that people said was coldhearted and only cared about fame.

That was not true. Jane Carter was a woman that set high goals, but she was also a loving mother that wanted the best for her children. It was not easy being a parent in this business and she was forced to learn how to act hard to survive. The music industry was a world where you were a failure unless you were the winner.

"Jane," he said slowly, licking his lips nervously. He had to get it all out from his chest even if that meant that he broke his son's promise. After all she was his mother and she had the right to know.

She looked up at him, her eyes sensing that he was about to tell her what she might not want to hear.

"There is something I have to tell you..It is about Nick."

"Yes?"

"Nick he..he is..he has..he.." Bob stuttered, finding it hard to find the right words. As he gave it a new chance he saw his wife raise an hand to her mouth uttering, "God! Please don´t say that it isn´t so!"

Confused that she already knew what he was talking about he asked, "You already know?"

Not answering she continued being in her own world, "Don´t say that he got a girl pregnant!" Her eyes were black with anger. "I told him to be careful and use protection and now he has gotten himself into a big mess. Oh God!" She rocked back and forth, feeling sorry to herself, "What will the media say? The fans?" She picked up the phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I have to call his management and tell them about the "problem" that he has and that they will have to buy this girl out and.." Her mind went on overdrive.

"No stop it," Bob took took her hand where she hold the phone in. "He did NOT get any girl pregnant. Give the guy a break."

This was getting more and more of a bad descision and he wished that he had never said anything to his wife. Yet he couldn´t back out now.

"No Jane," he said as calmly as he could. "Nick isn't into drugs, he isn't becoming a father. He is sick. He has cancer, Hodgkin's Disease." Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he utttered the last words, "Jane our son is dying."

The air was thick with emotions and the world stood still as Jane drew in her breath. "Dying? Bob what are you saying?" Her facial expression a mask of shock and confusion.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 69

Aaron could hear his mother crying. He had slid into the furthest corner of his closet, sitting on the floor in the dark, stuffy air hung around him like a cloak, his knees drawn up to his chest. Tears slid down his cheeks and Aaron let them fall, not caring.

The words that were spoken by his father scared Aaron and he was thinking his ears were betraying him but when his mother started crying, Aaron was certain that the words he heard were correct.

Nick was dying.

Silently praying he had heard wrong, he rocked back and forth in the darkness. Aaron wiped the tears away angrily from his eyes. This had to be one of Nick’s practical jokes gone bad, he decided. There was no way that his brother could leave him.

All the undeniable pieces of the puzzle were fitting together though, Aaron thought. Nick had always made it a point to check in with him on a daily basis and that suddenly stopped ever since that Christmas vacation in Aspen. The phone calls that were not returned and now Brian being at Nick’s house. None of this seemed normal for Nick.

Aaron was jerked from his thoughts when his cell phone chirped on the bed. His first thoughts were to just leave it ringing but he wondered if maybe this time it was Nick returning his call. Bolting out of the closet, he tripped on the carpet, falling next to the bed, knocking the wind out of him.

Gasping, he grabbed the silver device. Panting, he managed to choke out, “Aaron.” His words were met with silence on the other end of the line.

Pressing his ear into the receiver, he searched for some type of noise. Not hearing anything, he tried again. “Hello?”

He was just about to give up when he heard the sound of someone breathing on the other side of the line. His face knotted into a frown.

“Hey! I don’t like people messin’ with my cell phone! Beej if that’s you hang up now or I’m gonna tell mom!” Aaron spat into the receiver. Satisfied that it was his sister, he poised his finger over the off button when he heard a small voice.

“AC?”

He put the phone back up to his ear. The voice spoke again.

“AC?”

It was Nick! Aaron’s heart started beating heavily in his chest. Tears were starting to well up in his reddened eyes.

“Is this Nick?” he croaked.

“How ya doin’ buddy?”

Aaron frowned. He was certain it was Nick talking to him, but it didn’t sound like him. He couldn’t put a finger on what it was, but something seemed different. Once again pushing his insecurities aside, Aaron answered. “I’m okay I guess.”

“Brian said you called.”

Aaron tried to listen to the limited conversation as well as checking for any background noises. He could have sworn he heard some beeping in the background. “Where are you?”

“Home in Tampa.”

“You sound tired.”

Nick gave out a slight laugh. There wasn’t any emotion behind it and it sounded flat. “Yeah I guess so.”

Aaron narrowed his eyes. “Brian said you were sleeping when I called.”

“I probably was.”

“I heard Brian and Kevin talking and saying you were sick, are you?”

Nick froze for a moment, unsure of how to answer that question. He quickly recovered. “Yeah I’m not feeling too good.”

“What’s wrong?” Aaron challenged, his hand tightly gripping the phone.

“So have you been keeping busy?”

“Nick, I asked you a question.”

Nick took in a shaky breath. “Let’s skip talking about me, I’m boring. How’s school going?”

Aaron could sense the sadness in his brother’s voice. Something was wrong. “Nick, why won’t you answer me?”

He closed his eyes as the nausea was starting to build, trying to will it away. “Don’t worry about me.”

“M-m-mom was c-crying,” Aaron sobbed. “I’m scared.”

Nick’s heart sank as he listened to his brother whimpering on the other end of the line. He wanted to reach out to him and somehow tell him everything would be okay and that there was no reason to cry. All Nick could manage to choke out was a raspy, “Oh god.”

Aaron continued through his sniffles. “D-do you have it? Are you gonna die?”

The blood ran cold in Nick’s veins. At first his expression grew dark when he realized that his father revealed the secret he had faught so hard to keep but at the same time, he felt some relief, it was finally out. He opened his mouth to speak only to have the nausea rear it’s ugly head. Sitting up in bed as quickly as he could, Nick dropped the receiver and leaned over the side of the bed, wretching as another bout of dry heaves overtook his body.

Aaron could only helplessly listen to what was unfolding in the background and cry. It was bad enough that Nick seemed to be choking as he was heaving, gasping for air in between the attacks but he thought he also heard his brother whimper and moan as if he were in severe pain. He could hear what he thought was Kevin’s voice and then the phone being picked up.

“Nick will call you back later.”

The call was abruptly disconnected. No further explaination from Nick’s side leaving him to wonder what was going on.

Kevin placed a comforting hand on Nick’s back. This was a scene he had done when he was younger and his father had been sick, now he was doing this for his little brother.

Between the heaves, Nick cried out, “It hurts.”

Tears glistened in Kevin’s eyes. He rubbed the young man’s back in a circular motion. He was assuming that his stomach muscles were tender from the heaving marathon he had been enduring for the past few days.

Worn out from the heaving jag, Nick pulled his face from the basket and literally dragged it across the mattress to the pillow. His face was coated in a thin layer of sweat, his hair plastered to his head making the thin patches on his scalp more evident. Kevin had to tear his eyes away from Nick for a moment to gather his emotions. The sight of the boy brought back painful memories and he was scared that this was happening all over again.

Clearing his throat has he stood up and drawing the covers ontop of Nick, Kevin announced that he was going to get a cool cloth and that he would be right back.

Nick laid under the blankets shivering, his eyes growing heavier with each blink. He suddenly remembered that he had been on the phone with Aaron and reached out in his lethargic state towards the phone. He needed to call Aaron back and let him know he was okay.

“Here, this should make you feel a bit....” Kevin stopped talking when he found Nick sleeping, the phone in his outstretched hand. He gently took the phone out of the pale grip and set it back on the nightstand. Kevin then lightly picked up Nick’s arm and tucked it under the layer of blankets. Stepping back, he kept his eyes on the sleeping form, not caring about the tears that were running down his cheeks.

Memories of a carefree teen etched in his mind were starting to haunt him rather than comfort him. Tiredly, Kevin rubbed his forehead. The last thing he did after he turned on the small light ontop of the bedstand was make sure that the monitor was on.

“I love you Nick,” Kevin whispered as he slowly closed the bedroom door.

~*~*~*~*~ Aaron stood in the darkness of the hall listening to the hushed conversation of his parents in their bedroom. Several times he lifted his hand to knock on the door only to lose the courage each time and his knuckles would barely brush the oak door.

Bob Carter flung the bedroom door, nearly knocking Aaron over. He steadied his son by the shoulders. “Whoa, what are you doing standing out in the dark?” As he waited for an answer, he saw the tears on the young boys face. “Aaron?”

Aaron didn’t reply at first, he looked around his father into the bedroom.

“Why is mom packing?”

Bob shifted his stance and leaned against the door frame, trying to come up with a clever explanation. “She just needs to clear her head.” Bob immediately regretted the flimsy explaination when he saw the hurt in Aaron’s eyes.

“I know about Nick, I heard you telling Mom.” Bob shifted his stance and leaned against the door frame, trying to come up with a clever explanation. “She just needs to clear her head.” Bob immediately regretted the flimsy explaination when he saw the hurt in Aaron’s eyes.

“I know about Nick, I heard you telling Mom.”

Tears pooled in the older man’s eyes as he looked down at his son. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Can I go with her to see Nick?”

Bob shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

“Dad, I have to see Nick, you don’t understand. I need to see my brother and it’s going to be with or without your permission, so please, let me go with her.”

Bob Carter looked down at the miniture Nick that stood before him. Aaron was like Nick in so many ways - his looks, his personality and even more so his stubborness. He sighed when he realized that Aaron was set on carrying out his words - going with or without his father’s permission.

Gesturing with a nod of his head towards the boy’s bedroom, Bob grunted. “Go ahead and pack, I’ll make the flight arrangements.”

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 70

Brian slid his shoes off and propped his sock clad feet ontop of the back of the couch, placing the remote control for the television across his chest. Kevin was laying down in a guestroom, taking a well deserved nap. He had spent most of the night up with Nick. Everything was quiet for now, the monitor only signaling a soft snoring noise coming from Nick’s room indicating that he was fast asleep.

Sleepily, Brian laid an arm across his eyes. Although Kevin spent the night up with Nick, he didn’t sleep well either, too worried about his young friend and also worried about Leighanne at home. She had stayed back for an extra week and his thoughts were constantly back home. The doctors assured that everything was fine with his wife but he still worried about her. The only concern they voiced was her blood pressure was borderline and with the excess amount of amniotic fluid in her uterus, it could lead to complications, but they were confident that things would level off.

Leighanne’s only complaint was that she looked like she was nine months pregnant with triplets and Brian tried his best to tell her that she was beautiful. As soon as her doctor gave her the green flag, she would return to Tampa and Brian was anxious to have her with him.

His thoughts were interrupted when the front door banged open. He raised himself up on his elbows to look and see who was rudely entering the house.

“Is anyone home?”

Groaning, Brian laid back down on the couch when he saw AJ tossing his black carryon bag onto the floor.

“Nice to see you too pal,” AJ quipped, voice dripping with sarcasim.

Brian rubbed his face. “Sorry J, I’m just a little tired I guess. How was your flight?”

“Flight? What flight, mister freakin cheapass insisted we drive back,” he mumbled as he nodded towards Howie walking into the room.

Brian shifted his body to a sitting position on the couch, laying the remote onto the glass coffee table. “Why would you two drive back to Tampa?”

“I needed some of the peacefulness to get my head on,” Howie sighed. He cast a look at AJ as the tattooed man threw himself onto a leather recliner. “Someone choose to sleep the whole drive though.”

Turning the bill of his base ball cap to the front of his face, AJ lowered it over his face. “You have your methods, I have mine.”

Howie grimaced as he looked at AJ slouched in the chair. “I did discover one thing during the trip back.”

Brian looked at the Latino expectantly. “What was that?”

“He has some nasty habits, I swear I didn’t realize how gross Bone can be.”

“And you’re mister perfect, god, Howie, no one could be more anal than you!” AJ mumbled gruffly under the ballcap.

”Anal? Howie snapped. ”At least I don’t go to my mommy when something doesn’t go my way!”

”GUYS! Stop bickering!” Brian shouted, running his hands through his hair. “We’re all tired here, let’s just all lay back and keep to ourselves before a huge fight breaks out.”

The clicking of the clock on the wall making a rhymthic ticking was the only indicator that life was exisiting in the living room as Howie and Brian searched their minds for something positive to talk about. Pretty soon, loud snores were coming from AJ’s side of the room leading Howie to make a remark.

“God he sleeps more than a fricken baby!”

As Brian opened his mouth to reply, the door bell chimed loudly, startling them. AJ snorted as he was snatched from his dreams and sat up stiffly in the chair, pushing the ball cap up.

“God, you sleep with your shades on?” Howie questioned, his voice filled with disgust.

“Guys, please,” Brian growled as he trudged toward the front door.

Picking up a pillow, AJ threw it as hard as he could towards Howie. Brian shook his head as he heard the Latino yelp and then swear when the pillow made contact.

Smiling, he opened the front door to greet whoever was on the other side. His smile quickly faded when he came face to face with Jane Carter.

“H-hi, Jane, t-this is unexpected,” Brian stammered, quickly turning his attention to Aaron standing next to his mother. “Hey Aaron.”

Shocked, Brian tried to search for words to say but his mind drew a blank. Jane promptly broke the silence.

“We’re here to see Nick, is he home?”

Before Brian could answer, Jane pushed him aside and entered the open door, Aaron walking behind her, carrying their luggage.

“Nick? Are you around?” Jane sang out as she headed for the kitchen.

Watching the woman walk past Brian, AJ lowered his shades. “This is definately not a good sign,” he mumbled. Howie nodded in agreement.

Aaron didn’t follow his mother as she searched the main floor for her oldest son. He remained in the foyer, luggage on the floor next to him.

Looking towards the stairs, Jane commented mainly to herself, “he must be up in his room.”

Before Brian could stop her, Jane was already climbing the steps.

“Jane, hey, why don’t you come back down here, Nick’s probably asleep, I’m sure he’ll be down in a bit.”

Jane stopped halfway up the stairs and turned towards Brian. Her face looked hard. “I think I have the right to see my son when I want to. Aaron, aren’t you coming with me? I’m sure Nick would love to see you.”

Aaron stood quietly, a sullen expression on his face.

Brian’s heart felt heavy as he looked at the young boy standing before him. There was so much Aaron didn’t know that was going on and he knew that in a few moments his world would be crushed. It was too much of a burden for anyone to bare let alone a fourteen year old boy.

“Jane, please, can you just wait for a few minutes?” Brian begged; his mind screaming for Kevin to wake up and help him out of this mess.

Sighing loudly, Jane started down the steps. “Why is this so important for us to wait? I want to see my son.”

The unmistakeable sound of Nick moaning in the monitor cut through the air. Jane’s eyes locked with Brian’s. She immediately turned around and dashed up the stairs, Brian running after her.

Silently, Brian was cursing Nick for letting the situation get to this point. He should have gone to his family when all of this started and he hated the fact that he knew before Nick’s own flesh and blood knew. Now here he was, having to pick up the pieces he was certain that would fall when Jane and Aaron discover that Nick has cancer.

There was something in the way Jane stood facing the closed door to Nick’s room. Brian sensed that she must know something, but he wasn’t sure if she knew how bad this was. Instead of bolting into her son’s bedroom, she stood there staring at the door. Turning to him, Brian was shocked to see that she was crying, the mascara was running under her eyes.

The sudden sound of Nick’s dry heaves set Jane into action and she flung the door open and rushed into the room.

Quickly following her into the room, Brian nearly ran into the woman’s back. Instead of rushing up to his bedside, Jane stood frozen in the center of the room, her mouth agape as she took in the scene that was unfolding.

All it took was Brian’s hand on her shoulder to snap her out of her state of shock and she went to her son and sat on the spot next to his body on the mattress, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Oh baby, shhhh,” Jane soothed in a voice thick with emotion.

Busy with his stomach betraying his body, Nick didn’t connect at first that the woman’s voice he was hearing was his mother’s instead he was thinking that Leighanne had returned.

As a normal reflex, Jane reached up to stroke her son’s matted hair, but when she was halfway towards his head, she stopped suddenly, seeing the patches of skin that was exposed where there had been thick hair before. Tears welled up in her eyes.

“Oh Nicky,” she sobbed.

This time it was Nick’s turn to cry and his normally stoic manner disappeared when he started whimpering as the heaves were irritating his tender stomach. “God this hurts.”

Jane wept as she tried her best to comfort Nick. He continued to sob in between his gasps from heaving.

“God, please make this stop,” he begged.

“Nick don’t die!” Aaron blurted.

Both Jane and Brian jerked towards the doorway where Aaron stood, cheeks glistening with tears, his face ashen.

“Aaron?” Nick whispered, too weak to turn and look up.

“Go back downstairs, Brian take Aaron downstairs,” Jane ordered in a firm voice.

Aaron only stood in the doorway, staring at the form that was curled into a ball on the bed.

Brian made his way over to the teen, gently grabbing him by the arm. “C’mon, let’s go back downstairs.”

Aaron stood his ground, shaking his head defiantly. He watched as Nick rolled over onto his back, scared as he saw the pale and thin face.

“Aaron, this isn’t a good time right now for Nick, let’s go downstairs,” Brian pleaded, seeing the obvious distress in the young boy’s face.

Panting, Nick laid on his back, eyes closed, too weak to comment on what was happening around him.

“Nick, don’t die, please don’t go,” Aaron begged, breaking from Brian’s grip.

“Aaron!” Brian called after the teen, watching helplessly as he darted from the door and down the hall.

Jane softly laid the blue cloth ontop of Nick’s forehead causing him to jerk and then suddenly shiver. “Shhh, honey,” she cooed. “It’s going to be okay, I’m here now.”

His mother’s voice finally broke into Nick’s fever plagued brain. His eyes shifted rapidly under their lids before they fluttered open and he was looking up at his mother. “Mom?”

“Shhh, quiet, just rest,” Jane softly reprimanded, gently turning the cool cloth over and pressing it back down onto his forehead.

Brian walked further into the room and opened a drawer next to the bed. He produced a package of something wrapped in foil. “Nick, it’s time to give you the Metoclophan, nothing else seems to be helping you stop getting sick today.”

Jane looked puzzled at Brian’s ‘matter-of-fact’ way he talked about medications for Nick. She felt like an outsider looking in.

“I’m sorry, but this will only take a minute, you need to leave,” Brian suggested in a quiet voice.

“I’m sure I can stand to watch Nick take some pills,” Jane replied, smoothing out the washcloth.

“This isn’t a pill and I’m sure this isn’t something a grown man would want to share with his mother, it will only take a minute. I promise,” Brian stated.

At first a bewildered look crossed the woman’s face until she connected that what Brian was holding in his hand was a suppository that had to be inserted.

“I’ve been helping Nick with this for about a week, it’s okay Jane.”

“I’m feeling better,” Nick weakly protested.

Brian rubbed his best friend’s shoulder. “You do want this to stop, right?”

Standing up, Jane bent over and lightly kissed Nick’s cheek. “I’ll be out in the hall sweetheart.”

Out in the hall, Jane nervously wrung her hands. The scene she had just witnessed in the bedroom was all too surreal. This couldn’t be happened, she decided. There had to be some mistake in the diagnosis.

The door quietly opened and Brian stepped out, stopping Jane from entering the bedroom. “He needs a minute, okay?”

Jane sighed as she leaned against the wall.

“I bet you didn’t expect to come here and find Nick sick,” Brian remarked, trying to break the silence that hung like a lead curtain.

“I wasn’t expecting this,” she whispered.

“Well, you know Nick.”

Jane turned to face the young man. “How long have you known about this?”

Brian squirmed, his mind started racing. “Um, known about what?”

“About the cancer.”

“You know?” Brian breathed.

“Bob told us yesterday, well, he told me and Aaron overheard it. How long have you known?”

“Nick told me about two months ago. He didn’t want to tell me, but I think I blindsided him and saw the marks from the pen they use for radiation, so he didn’t really have much of a choice, he’s a bad liar.”

Jane searched Brian’s face as he explained how Nick hadn’t felt good before the Japan tour and kept his symptoms and the diagnosis to himself. Brian hung his head when he explained to her that Nick had assigned him as his patient advocate and swore him to secrecy about the cancer, and it was a promise he had kept.

“So it’s the chemo that’s making him so sick?”

Sighing, Brian nodded. “But today is his last day of being on the constant chemo and he is going off it tomorrow. Nick gets a week off of chemo but during that week the doctor will be having him go into the hospital every other day for radiation.”

Her eyes welled with unshed tears. “There’s so much I don’t know.” The bitter words she had last spoke to her son on their Christmas vacation popped into her head and she quickly clamped a hand over her mouth. “God, I was horrible to him. I told him he was getting fat and out of shape and using drugs. I said some awful things to--”

“Jane, you didn’t know,” Brian interrupted. “I’m sure Nick understands.”

“He’s so thin in his face,” she thought outloud.

“He’s lost a lot of weight,” Brian stated in a somber voice.

“Do you think I can go back in there now?”

Brian acknowledged with a slight nod, following the woman into the room. They found Nick fast asleep, his cheeks stained with a slight blush - the only color on his pasty, pale skin making it look like he had come out from the cold.

“He looks so thin,” Jane murmured, slowly approaching the bed.

Brian didn’t offer any further explanations, just nodded in agreement.

“Jane,” he whispered, “why don’t we go downstairs and get you and Aaron something to eat, I’m sure it’s been a long morning for the both of you.”

Jane Carter shook her head. “No, I need to be with him, what if he wakes up and needs something.”

Brian pointed towards the monitor that sat on the night stand next to Nick’s chemo pump.

“Oh, I forgot that I heard him through that,” she sighed.

Tenderly wrapping an arm around the older woman’s shoulders, Brian led Jane out of the room and down the stairs.

*~*~*~*~*~*

AJ looked at the teen sitting on the couch with worry. Aaron had came racing down the stairs, eyes brimming with tears and threw himself onto the couch, folding his arms across his chest, staring straight ahead. Any attempts made to get the boy to talk were futile.

Howie sat down next to Aaron. “I’m sorry you’re upset, do you want to talk to me about it?”

Aaron set his jaw, folding his arms tighter across his chest. Howie wouldn’t let the walls that the boy was building stop him from getting to him.

“AC? C’mon, just talk to me, okay? You’d be surprised at what a good listener I can be.”

As he blinked his eyes, tears spilled over and splashed onto his lap. Aaron smeared the salty tears away from his cheeks with a rough, jerky movement. He let out a labored sigh, hiccuping after he exhaled.

“It’s not fair,” he sobbed.

AJ started opening his mouth to comment only to quickly close it when Howie shot a look over at him. Howie knew that Aaron had to sort out his feelings and being interrupted would only stop him from talking further.

“Nick doesn’t deserve to be sick. He’s a nice guy. It’s just not fair,” Aaron mumbled, hiccupping between sentences.

Howie continued to listen to Aaron, hoping that the teen would release all of his built up anger over the situation, still not aware of how sick his brother was. He dreaded what would happen when Aaron found out about the cancer.

“This is all my fault,” Aaron sobbed. “This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t went and told Brian about Nick getting sick.”

AJ and Howie’s eyes met as Aaron spoke that sentence. Both men waited for the other shoe to drop.

“It’s my fault Nick got cancer.”

“Oh fuck,” AJ mouthed as he looked at Howie.

“Aaron, this isn’t your fault, Nick got sick and it has nothing to do with anything you did,” Howie assured. Aaron only shook his bowed head, tears spilling off his cheeks.

“Stuff like this happens to people,” AJ added. “No one knows why but it just does.”

“Just like Caroline having Lupus, I think her body just couldn’t handle some virus and it went into overdrive trying to protect her, and I’m thinking that’s what’s going on with Nick right now,” Howie pointed out.

“And Caroline died,” Aaron whispered.

Tears welled up in Howie’s eyes as the memory of Caroline traveled through his mind. “Yes, she did,” he replied softly.

Fresh tears started slipping down Aaron’s cheeks. “I don’t want Nick to die.”

Howie placed an arm around Aaron’s shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug. “No one says Nick has to die. He’s stubborn and he’s fighting this. He needs our support and our love right now more than ever before in his life. Are you up to giving that to him?”

Aaron’s response was muffled in Howie’s shoulder. He instinctively placed a hand on the young boy’s head and smoothed his hair as he hugged him.

Aaron pulled away from the Latino after a few moments, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand. “Do you think Nick’s gonna be mad at us for coming here?”

“Want me to be honest?”

“Yeah.”

“I think Nick will be really happy to see you, he’s worried about you alot and felt bad that he hadn’t been speaking with you guys. Maybe now he can concentrate on getting better. It’s a load off his mind,” Howie explained, a slight smile played on his lips.

Aaron reciprocated Howie’s smile. “I hope so.”

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 71

Nick’s eyes fluttered open. It took a few moments for his eyes to focus as he did his usual inventory of how his body was feeling before his attempt in dragging his body out of bed.

Relieved that the nausea had tapered down to the normal ‘icky’ feeling in his gut, Nick rolled over to his side and was about to toss the covers off his sweat soaked body when he saw Jane Carter sleeping in the chair that was normally in the corner of his room, pushed to the side of the bed.

“Mom?” Nick called out softly. Jane immediately jerked awake and leaned forward in the chair.

“Is something wrong?” she asked sleepily.

“No, I’m fine,” Nick assured. He paused for a moment before he asked, “How come you’re here?”

Jane got out of the chair and sat on the edge of the bed. “Because I wanted to and I felt that you would somehow want me to I guess.”

Nick studied his mother’s face. He thought he saw hurt in her eyes mixed in with the tears that were threatening to fall. He reached out and placed a hand on her leg. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize Nick.”

The tears that were burning in his eyes finally cascaded over. “I should have told you guys sooner, but I was hoping I would get over this before anyone found out about it. I guess I’m stupid that way, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

Tears slipped down Jane’s cheeks and she quickly wiped them away. “I wouldn’t have it any other way Nick. Nothing could have stopped me from coming here.”

Deciding that he had to get up, Nick started to push the covers off his body. Jane instantly jumped up and started helping with the task.

“Mom, I can do this, I don’t need you to help me.”

“No, it’s okay, I want to.”

Nick let out a small groan. “This is one of the reasons why I didn’t tell you this stuff. I really appreciate you wanting to help, but you’ve got to believe me that when I need the help, I’ll ask for it.” After making the statement, Nick stood up and swayed when a wave of dizziness swept over him, causing him to land back down onto the bed. Holding his hand up, Nick sheepishly stated. “Like now.”

Wordlessly, Jane offered her hand for her son to grasp.

“I guess being sick yesterday took a lot out of me.”

She watched as Nick picked up the white box that laid on the night stand.

“What’s that?”

“My tether,” Nick replied.

“I still don’t know what that is,” Jane pressed. “This is all so new to me, you’ll have to explain stuff to me. I want to know.”

“Well,” Nick started, patting the tiny white box. “This here is the thing that’s been making me so sick lately. It’s a chemo pump. See the rubber tube?” Nick looked at his mother before he continued his explanation. Once she nodded slightly, he continued. “The one end is connected to the pump and the other one goes up under my shirt and ends in this port stuck under my collarbone here,” he pulled the neck of his tee shirt aside exposing the top of the port.

Jane took a breath in when she saw the tube jutting out from his skin.

“It’s not as bad as it looks. This is actually a handy thing cause they can draw blood out of here and anything they want to inject into me they just go through this tube,” Nick explained. “I’d love to talk more about me but I need to go use the bathroom or there’s gonna be a mess in a minute.”

Jane walked slowly by Nick’s side, trying her best to keep him from toppling over on his way to the bathroom.

Nick grinned slightly. “Thanks, I can take it from here.”

“Call me if you need me sweetheart,” Jane replied.

“Mom, I’m gonna be okay, go ahead and go get something to eat, I’m gonna try and do what I call a shower.”

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

“I got it, okay?”

“Okay.”

Jane sighed and went to the bed and started stripping the sweat soaked bedding off the mattress. Walking out into the hall, she dumped the soiled bedding into the laundry chute and pulled fresh sheets out of the linen closet.

“Good morning.”

Startled, Jane dropped the sheets she was carrying. ”Aaron!”

Aaron bent over and retrieved the scattered sheets on the floor. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Jane accepted the bundle from her son. “It’s okay, I guess my nerves are shot this morning.”

“How’s Nick?” Aaron quietly asked.

“He’s up and taking a shower.”

Aaron watched his mother unfold the bottom sheet, tucking it into the folds of the waterbed mattress. “I mean, he’s not mad at us is he?”

Jane stopped her task to turn to her young son. “No, honey, he’s not mad. I get the impression he’s happy we’re here.”

Aaron kicked at the deep green carpet. “That’s good I guess.”

“Aaron, don’t do that, you’ll rub a hole into the carpet,” Jane warned.

Nick stopped in the doorway when he saw that Aaron and Jane were in his bedroom. He had left the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. He couldn’t help but notice that when the two of them turned to look at him, their mouths dropped open.

“Yeah... yeah I know, but hey, at least I didn’t get this gut from overeating or from drinking,” he chuckled. “You should have seen me two weeks ago, it’s actually gone down a little bit.”

“But your face is so skinny,” Aaron squeaked and then pointed a finger at Nick’s chest. “What’s that?”

Nick sighed. “A port.”

“A what?”

“Aaron, I’ll explain it to you later, okay? We better leave the room so he can get dressed.”

“I can stay, I’m a guy,” Aaron protested.

“Aaron,” Jane growled.

“It’s okay mom, he can stay,” Nick assured.

“Help me finish making his bed so he can lay back down,” Jane urged, tossing Aaron a pillowcase.

“I’m not going to be laying down right now,” Nick stated as he made his way towards the chest of drawers.

“You’re shivering!”

“That’s because I’m cold, please ma, let me get dressed.”

“Okay, I’m going downstairs, call me--”

“If you need anything,” Nick finished her sentence. “Yes I will mom.”

Sitting on the chair his mother had used for a bed, Aaron watched as Nick pulled drawers open, pulling clothes out and softly shutting them. Grabbing the white box he had called ‘his tether’ Nick slowly made his way to the bed and sat down.

The whole time he was watching his brother, Aaron couldn’t stop staring at Nick’s bloated stomach.

“Is that where the cancer is?”

As he started to unfold his boxers, Nick paused. “Yeah, thats where most of it is, I guess.”

Aaron gasped at the thought. “There’s more?”

“Let me finished getting dressed Squirt and I’ll explain everything to you in a sec.”

“No, it’s okay, I read up about it on the internet after I read a post on the BB Board.”

“Read a post?”

“Yeah, there were some girls that saw you at the hospital with Kevin and they heard stuff and they posted it on the internet. I knew that you were sick before mom and dad said anything.”

“That figures,” Nick sighed.

“Nick?”

“Mmmm?”

“What does that white thing do?”

“It’s a chemo pump,” came the short reply. Nick turned when he heard Aaron sniffling. His eyes locked with Aaron’s tearfilled eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Please don’t die,” he cried.

“I’m not planning on it just yet kiddo,” Nick smiled through his own tears.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hey Nick,” Brian called out as he set the breakfast table. “Your mother insisted on making breakfast.”

“Feeling better honey?” Jane asked as she flipped a pancake on the griddle.

Nick rolled his eyes and grunted. “Yeah.”

“Hey, you’re getting a little low on the Novatrone and your Zofran. I noticed that yesterday,” Brian pointed out as Nick opened the cupboard that held all of his medications.

Aaron’s eyes grew wide when he saw the number of brown prescription bottles that filled the bottom shelf. He watched as Nick pulled down one bottle after another, spilling out pills onto the countertop.

Jane sadly shook her head as she listened to the causual conversation Brian was making with Nick about the cancer medications, calling them by name. She kept herself preoccupied with the pancakes, not turning around.

“Did you want me to get your Lidocane?” Brian offered.

“Nah, it’s okay, I doubt I can eat much today,” Nick replied quietly.

“Honey, is your stomach still upset?”

Nick chuckled sarcastically. “It’s always upset.”

Jane Carter sighed. “There is so much I don’t know.”

“Ma, it’s okay, don’t worry so much okay? I got this handled pretty well I think,” Nick said in a soothing voice.

Sitting down at the table across from Aaron, Nick plunked his pile of morning meds ontop of the brown placemat.

“You take all of those?” Aaron asked incrediously.

“Yeah, three times a day and five more new ones at bedtime,” Nick sighed.

Jane watched as Nick scooped up the handful of fourteen pills and tossed them into his mouth, taking a generous swallow of water to wash them down.

“Wow, I can’t believe you can do that, I have a hard enough time swallowing one pill,” Aaron admitted.

“I used to be that way too Squirt, but I would be sitting here all morning long if I swallowed one pill at a time.”

Setting a plate piled with pancakes and sausage in front of Nick, Jane tried not to look at Nick’s balding scalp.

“Mom, there’s no way I can eat all of this,” Nick apologized.

“You can’t get better if you don’t eat,” Jane theorized. “Besides, you used to love my pancakes.”

The memories of his mom’s fluffy buttermilk pancakes drenched in maple syrup flooded Nick’s mind. The thought made his mouth water. With a fork, he cut a path into the golden brown cake and carefully stuffed it into his mouth, praying the mouth sores wouldn’t protest.

The pleasant look on Nick’s face quickly washed away and was replaced with a scowl as he spat the food into his napkin. The medications he was on to fight his cancer was starting to show up in a new form, taunting him. The sweet pancakes tasted like they were made with a gallon of salt and vinegar.

Reaching out for the glass of water to rinse the foul taste from his mouth, Nick accidentally knocked Aaron’s glass of milk over.

“God, I’m sorry,” Nick cried out.

Brian came to the rescue, a wad of paper towels in his hand. “It’s okay, just calm down, I’ll take care of it.”

“The milk spilled on your plate, let me fix you another one,” Jane offered as she took Nick’s plate away.

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry Mom,” Nick apologized as he watched Brian soak up the spilled milk on the table.

“But you barely touched your plate!”

“And he spit out what he did eat,” Aaron advised only to be met by a scowl from his brother. “Well you did.”

“Is that true?”

Scooting his chair back, Nick placed the napkin aside. “Yeah, but there wasn’t anything wrong with what you made, it’s just me.” Thinking about the foul taste once again, Nick’s stomach started churning.

“Oh honey,” Jane sighed.

“Bri, what time is my appointment today?”

“Ten.”

“What’s the appointment for?” Aaron questioned.

“To get this damn tether off. I can’t wait to feel a little normal again. Well that and not be sick 24/7.”

“Can me and mom go with you?”

Nick sighed. “No, it’s not a good idea.”

A puzzled look crossed Jane’s face. “Why not? Is there more to this that I don’t know about?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just boring and long and stuff,” Nick replied, it was evident that he was searching for words when he answered his mother.

“My labor with you was long and boring, I’m sure going to your doctors office won’t be an inconvience to me.”

“No, please, you have to understand that I just don’t want to share this with you guys just yet. It’s a depressing place to be at.”

“Nick, please don’t shut me out,” Jane pleaded.

“I’m not, mom, you have to understand I just can’t do this today, alright?”

“I know you’re not in any shape to be driving, who’s taking you?” Jane pressed.

“Brian usually does, Bri or Kevin but I think it’s gonna be Brian this morning, right?”

“Yep. I have to make sure Nick does what he’s told,” Brian grinned, trying to lighten up the situation. Nick returned his grin with a glare.

“Nick, you’re following your doctors orders, aren’t you?”

Rolling his eyes, Nick let out an exasperated sigh. “Yeah.. yeah. See, this is why you have to stay here today. If I had my choice, I’d go by myself but I doubt I could handle the drive past the first corner.”

Jane could only stare at Nick’s face. She could see the exhaustion in his eyes, the sweat from fever on his forehead. Her heart ached as she looked at Nick. She wanted so desperately to help her son but the stubborn soul that Nick Carter was wouldn’t allow help near him; even from his own flesh and blood.

“Hey Nick, how’s it goin’ ?” AJ grinned as he stepped past Nick towards the kitchen table.

“Breakfast was an hour ago,” Brian huffed as he sat down at the table.

AJ sniffed the air. “Not according to my nose it ain’t.”

“Did we miss breakfast?” Howie asked quietly as he entered the kitchen.

Leaning against the counted, Nick shook his head. “For the love of God,” he muttered.

“What?” AJ asked, mouthful of pancakes.

“I’m gonna wait in my room, come get me when it’s time to go,” Nick announced as he started towards living room. The smell of breakfast was starting to make his stomach do flip flops and he decided he had better leave or he would get sick again and start another series of dry heaving. He doubted that his sore stomach could take much more.

Aaron watched sadly as his brother left the kitchen. “Nick didn’t eat anything.” He looked at the untouched plate of food that sat on the counter. “That’s not like him.”

“Aaron, hey, he’s been really sick this week throwing up---”

“God, I’m eating here, do you have to talk about puke?” AJ interrupted Brian, spraying pancake crumbs.

“Oh god, did you have to say puke?” Howie exclaimed, shoving his plate away. “That does it for me.”

Brian rolled his eyes before he started speaking to Aaron again. “As I was trying to explain. The chemo makes Nick sick and I’m sure his stomach isn’t quite ready to take on a meal just yet. Give him some time, hopefully he’ll be feeling better soon since he will be having a week off from his chemo.” “I hope so,” Aaron squeaked.

Kevin trudged into the kitchen, reaching out and scruffing Aaron’s hair by the top of his head. “Hey kiddo, did you sleep well last night?”

“Yeah I guesso.”

Detecting a somber mood, Kevin bowed down to meet Aaron face to face. “What’s wrong, you look like someone stole your puppy.”

Aaron shrugged his shoulders. “It’s nothing.”

Straightening up, Kevin looked at Brian for confirmation to Aaron’s reply. Brian returned the look with an eyebrow raised in question. After waiting for a few moments for Aaron to explain, Brian offered an excuse.

“He’s a little upset because Nick didn’t touch breakfast and he won’t let them go with him to his doctors appointment this morning.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” Aaron defended his brother’s actions.

“Well, Nick is just feeling a little tired from being so sick this week. He wants everything to be back to normal and I bet you do too, right?”

Aaron only nodded.

Kevin flashed a grin, his green eyes sparkling. “Do you remember a certain video store oh about ten miles from here?”

Aaron frowned as he thought. He shrugged his shoulders when he couldn’t remember any such place.

“Nick wanted me to take you there while he was at the doctors and asked me have you find a cool PS2 game so that he could, and I’m quoting him here, beat your sorry as” Kevin stopped short when he caught Jane’s eye and quickly corrected his words “.. butt.”

Aaron smiled when Kevin stumbled over the word ass. “Yeah I know what Nick would have said. That’s cool but you know I’ll be kickin’ his sorry ass!”

”Aaron Carter!”

“Oops, sorry mom.”

Brian, Howie and AJ exchanged knowing grins as they heard Jane Carter reprimanding her young son.

“Shoot, I better get ready,” Brian said as he pushed himself away from the table. “Can one of you guys clear the kitchen dishes?”

“I can do them,” Jane replied. “It’ll keep me occupied while he’s gone.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian sat quietly in the waiting room with Nick. The nurse had already been in to take Nick’s vital signs and after noting them on his thick chart, told them that the doctor would be in shortly.

Eyeing the white device that Nick had unhooked from his belt, Brian gestured with his finger to it. “I bet you’re anxious to get rid of that thing.” When Nick didn’t comment Brian sighed. “Yeah, I know, dumb question.”

“You try wearing this stupid thing for two weeks and you tell me.”

Dr. Andersen walked into the office, setting Nick’s file on the counter. Glancing at her watch, she apologized for being behind schedule.

“I see by the numbers you must have had quite a time with the chemo,” Dr. Andersen stated as she looked at the lab results from Nick’s morning blood draw. “Did the nausea ever go away?”

Nick shook his head. “No.”

“I’ll look into some other meds to see if anything can give you more relief,” the doctor stated as she wrote a note in the chart.

“The only thing that seemed to help was the suppositories,” Brian offered.

Nick’s pale face became stained with embarrassement. Dr. Andersen picked up on it immediately. “Nickolas, this is something that is normal, nothing to be embarrassed over.”

All Nick could do in reply was shrug his shoulders and cast a dark look in Brian’s direction which set him into shifting in his seat.

“I see that despite the nausea and vomiting you’ve gained a little weight,” the doctor stated as she reviewed the vital signs. She peered at Nick over the top of her reading glasses. Laying the chart aside, she approached the table that Nick sat on. “I’d like to take a look at your abdomen.”

Nick instantly placed his arms protectively around his stomach. “No!”

“I need to feel the glands and your spleen,” the doctor insisted.

“I think my stomach has been going down so there’s really no need to look,” Nick pled his case.

“Nickolas, is there something that you’re hiding from me that you don’t want me to check you stomach?”

“Not really, it just hurts when things press on it and I’m not sick for a change and I’d like it to stay that way,” Nick lied.

“Well if you feel discomfort, I will order some Demerol and it will take some of it away after I’m done with the exam,” Dr. Andersen offered.

“No thank you, I’m fine right now. Just leave me alone. Take the pump off so I can go home,” Nick begged.

Brian stood up and walked over next to the doctor. “Nick, let Dr. Andersen take care of you, she needs to look at your stomach, it’s her job and that’s what you put your trust in when you made her your doctor. She can’t help you if you don’t let her do her work.”

Silently, Nick resigned to what the doctor wanted and slowly laid on his back, still grasping the edge of his shirt as if it were some type of safety net. The doctor gently pried Nick’s fingers from the edging and slowly pulled his shirt up towards his chest.

“Okay, just let me know when it hurts,” the doctor said as she prepared to press on the upper part of Nick’s stomach.

“Okay.” It was more of a sigh than a word.

The first time Dr. Andersen pressed, she realized that she didn’t have to press in too deeply and Nick’s response was wincing and a small moan. Everything seemed to be checking out normal for Nick’s condition until she came to his liver. When she pressed, Nick cried out sharply from the pain.

“I’m sorry,” she said and pressed in another area of his liver.

Nick gasped and tears slipped down his cheeks. “Stop, please.” He managed to pull his shirt down pushing the doctor’s hands away from his stomach. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Helping her young patient sit upright, Dr. Andersen’s eyes lock onto his. Taking a deep breath in, she took his chart and started writing. “Nickolas, I need you---”

“I can’t do anything for you this week, my mom and brother are here visiting,” Nick interrupted.

“Nickolas this is serious, you have to do the testing that I order for you, no exceptions and absolutely no skipping out this time!”

“You skipped out on doing tests?” Brian interjected.

Nick shot a dark look in Brian’s direction. “I think I can manage doing things on my own without you. Why don’t you go wait out in the hall!”

”Nick..” Brian protested.

Nick pointed towards the door. “I really would appreciate it if you waited out in the hall.”

Wordlessly, Brian left Nick and Dr. Andersen alone in the room.

“I’m not playing games with you anymore Nickolas. I will be scheduling the tests and you will have to go to them. I am not leaving it up to you to schedule your appointments. You seem to think that this is something you can take lightly, but to be frank with you, I think I felt a lump.”

Nick furrow his eyebrows in confusion. “A lump? Isn’t that common with Hodgeskins?”

“Yes, but this is a hard lump, I may be off, but I need you to have some more scans and other tests to be certain.”

“It’s just another lump,” Nick smirked.

“It’s not just another lump. You have to take this seriously,” the doctor reprimanded.

“Okay, what if it is something more than just another lump? What will you do? Bump up my chemo more?”

The doctor shook her head as the disconnected the pump from the infusa port. “Let’s not worry about this until I get the results back.”

The reality of the situation finally hit Nick, taking his breath away. The doctor looked into her young patient’s tear filled blue eyes. She couldn’t keep her gaze and quickly busied herself with swabbing the top of the port on Nick’s chest.

“Remember to come back in next Monday to start your new round of radiation, this is very important. The office will have the schedule for you for the testing I want to have done by then.”

Nick gingerly hopped down off the table and the doctor had to reach out to steady him when his legs betrayed his movements, almost sending him crashing to the floor.

“I need to remind you, that since you’re off the chemo this week, you’ll start to feel better, but by no means do you discontinue any of the medications. If you remember from the last time, you’ll be fatigued, and you won’t have much of an appetite but it’s very important to eat because if you don’t then this will pose another problem which would require more surgery and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that. I’m giving you this brochure about nutritional supplements and you can buy them at any store. All I can say is calories are your best friend right now.”

At those words, Nick couldn’t help but grin. “Someone is finally telling me to gain weight, god, if I had known someone would have said this to me two years ago I would have laughed in their face.”

“I’ll see you next Monday.”

“Thanks doc.”

With that, Nick slid out of the office finding Brian leaning against the wall.

“What tests were you skipping out of?”

Nick shot an irritated look at his best friend. “God, you don’t wait long do you?”

“Nick, I care.”

“Just some blood tests I skipped, no big deal,” Nick lied.

“So you will keep those this time?” Brian questioned.

“Yeah, I promised her I would.”

Nick felt horrible about lying to his brother but he didn’t have any choice. He knew if he came clean with the doctor wanting to do more tests that Brian would have hovered over him worse than what his own mother was doing. He glanced over and saw the worry in Brian’s face as they walked toward the exit.

“Bri, don’t worry, I’m not gonna let this beat me,” Nick assured, but deep down he wasn’t as confident as he was trying to make Brian and himself believe.

Swollen Issues- Chapter 72

Today it was D-day. Last day of Chemo, last day of feeling like crap! At least for a while. A day where he should be celebrating, instead he couldn´t feel the slightest bit happy. Just worried.

The words that Dr. Andersen had told him, scared him. Alot! He cursed the fact that he let her examine him. Maybe it was his subconscious that told him there was something wrong with his stomach. Something more than just having a common stomach ache. And when she told him that she felt a lump he just knew that she was right.

A possible tumor. Cancer!

This would mean more tests and examinations. More chemotherapy and radiation. More pain. Nick was no fool, he knew that he needed those tests but he didn´t want to do it right now. Not when Aaron and his mother were here. He didn´t want them to see how sick he really was.

Letting out a deep sigh he rubbed his eyes.

It was just that it was too tough of a situation to grip. He was, after all, only 22. In the beginning of his life that ironically was about to end. Even if he hadn´t let on he was prepared to do his best to win. He was a winner. Not a looser and he was going to beat the cancer. Even if it meant that he would feel as shitty as could be. He wasn´t ready to give up. Not yet.

"You tired?" Brian asked, driving the car.

"A bit." Nick had been silent, sullen, ever since he left the doctors office. All the strength ran out of him as he wanted nothing more than tell Brian what Dr. Andersen feared. He wanted to spill his guts, yet there were something that stopped him. He guessed that it had something to do with him always trying to be strong. Not letting people, even his family and friends too close into his life. It was too easy to be hurt.

"Julie called while you were at the doctors," Brian said as he turned towards his friend, trying to make small conversation.

"Julie?" Nick had almost forgot her. He hadn´t called her back and when she called him he said that he was busy and after a while she got tired waiting for him. Deep inside he knew that he had acted wrong but he wasn´t prepared for a serious relationship right now. There were too many things going on in his life and for the first time in his life he didn´t feel that girls had the center part.

He had liked Julie. She was a cool girl. In fact she was a girl that he could have been serious with if things had been different. He had really enjoyed her company but she went into remission it was like something changed. She was well. He was not!

"Yeah you know that hottie you dated," Brian grinned, but stopped as he saw that he didn´t get a response back. "What´s the matter?"

"Nothing." Nick shrugged.

"Yeah right! There's something bothering you." Brian looked at him searchingly, "Does it have something to do with that conversation you had with Dr. Andersen?"

Nick jerked at the words. Did it show that much that he was hurting? That he felt sad? Determinded not to say anything, at least not for now, Nick shook his head. "No I just have a slight headache."

Upon hearing this, Brian narrowed his eyes, "A headache? You sure you're alright?"

NOOO Nick wanted to cry out with pain. I AM NOT!!! Instead he said, "Sure, nothing a few asprins can't cure." To prove his point he rubbed his temples with small circle moves.

"Okay," Brian looked like he didn´t buy the words, yet he dropped the health issue, at least for now. "So, are you going to call Julie or not?"

"Not."

"Why? I thought you liked her." There was surprise in his friends voice.

Nick sighed. "Would you stop playing matchmaker B'rok. It doesn´t fit you." His tone wasn´t rude, it had more of a tone of tiredness.

"My.... my, you sure are cheerful today," Brian shook his head. "I thought you would be all full of joy from getting off that chemo device, but I guess not," he added with a frown.

"Mhmm.." Nick closed his eyes so that he didn´t have to talk to Brian. This was a strategy that he had used many times throughout the years. Sometimes it worked and other times it didn´t. Today it gave result as no more words were said.

Nick didn't know if he had dozed off or not but the next time he opened his eyes he was at his gate. Opening his eyes he saw a couple of blue eyes peering upon him. "You´re awake?"

Stupid question. "Mhmm, I am now." Nick stretched like a cat in his the seat, "We´re home?"

"Yes," Brian opened his eyes to comment on his friends disheleved appearance but was stopped as the electric gate opened up and he got clearance to drive through. Putting the care in gear, he drove slowly up the long drive way.

"Good," Nick ran a hand through his hair, shakily. The headache that he had told Brian he had earlier, pulling a white lie, was lingering like a crown. It was like every event that he had been through during the past weeks was coming upon him. Hitting him straight in the face. He was exhausted, down to the bone and wanted nothing more than get to his bedroom and sleep. Sleep for like forever

"I´m beat. As soon as I get in I think I´ll be taking a nap."

Brian nodded, "Yeah that might be a good idea."

No sooner had Nick said the words before he saw his little brother coming out from the house, running towards him with a wide smile and a black video case in his hand.

"Fuck," Nick groaned. There was not a chance that he could deal with an overactive kid. Not even when it was his brother. He wanted, no he needed desperately to be alone. To think over his situation.

Brian looked over at him, with compassion in his eyes. "You want me to tell him that you don´t feel alright?"

"No, S'okey," the young man mumbled as he laid his hand on the door handle, stepping outside, "I can manage." The moment he stepped outside Aaron came barging towards him as Nick did his best, keeping his his posture.

"Nick! Nick! Check this out! Kevin bought the latest combat game!" There was pure excitement in the teens voice as he waved the PS 2 game case. "You wanna play?"

Even if Nick just wanted to drop dead on his feet, he had to smile. His little brother reminded him so much of himself in that age but then the subject for his admiration had been Brian. There had been endless of evenings that the Kentuckian had spent with him playing video games while the others went out clubbing. Nick was more than grateful for this and this had also led Brian to become his best friend.

"Cool it bro'" Nick hated himself. He hated that he felt so beat that he couldn´t share the excitement that Aaron showed. He had to turn his request down, at least for now since it was getting harder by the minute to stand up straight. His body was slowly shutting down on him.

"You don´t wanna play?" Aarons eyes lost their glow and Nick felt like a criminal. Behind him he could feel Brian staring at him. He cringed.

"Yeah soon kiddo, soon." He walked towards his house, not looking his brother in his eyes. Not wanting to see the disappointment.

"Pleeaaaseeeee.." Aaron whined as a last desperate attempt to get his brother to change his opinion. "Pretty pleaaseee?"

The young mans step were heavy and his shoulders hung like he was carrying a too big of a burden. His heart ached when he heard his little brother plead and he looked sadly at him. He knew how much it meant to Aaron when he spent some time with him. It had been way too little during these past years, either was he touring or Aaron. He missed spending that time with his little brother, just fooling around being crazy. Nick was often told that he was way too immature for his age, maybe the guys were right about that one, as he rarely missed an opportunity to be a bit childish, especially with his Aaron.

"Why do you never wanna spend any time with me?" Brown eyes, filled with tears looked at him as disappointment was shining through in the teens voice.

The words cut through his heart like a knife. Opening his mouth to respond Brian was quick to jump in.

"Aaron, Nick is a bit tired right now. He needs to rest for a while, but if you want I can play with you. What do you say?"

"Su..sure," There was defeat in his voice and this had Nick feeling even worse. He felt as he was letting his little brother down and a scary thought crossed his mind. 'What if something happend to me? And I wouldn't be able to play with my brother again? How would Aaron feel about that?' Even though he was so tired that he was close to a collapse, Nick did his best to keep his posture as he held up a hand, smiling, "Okay Bro' go and get that game ready, since I will be kicking your ass!"

"GREAT!!!" Aarons smile went wide up to his ears and his eyes glowed with total excitement. Without any further comments he ran towards the house as fast as his legs could carry. Nick chuckled. His little brother was so easy to please.

Brian didn´t sound as excited, "Dude," he said, raising his eyebrows, "I thought you said that you were tired."

"Yeah I am," Nick let out a yawn. "But you know I.I..." He stopped himself to think.

"You what?" Brian asked when there had been too long of silence."

"Didn´t you see how excited he got when I told him that I would play?" Nick grinned.

"Yes I did, but I also see how beat you are and regarding that you have been so sick so long you need to take it easy."

Nick sighed. He understood his friends comments. "You know, I like to play with him and..and," the young man let out a shakey breath, "Who knows when I will be able to kick his ass again?"

Frowning, Brian looked at him as he was taking in the words. "Is there something you´re not telling me?"

"NO," Nick was a bit too fast with the answer, "Can't I enjoy being with my brother without there being something wrong?"

Brian looked him sternly in his eyes as he was about to respond to that comment, but then stopped himself in the last second. A bit deffensive he said,"Okay, Let´s hope that it is all it is." With that older man let the subject drop.

Swollen Issues II - Chapter 73

Nick could not believe how much energy it took for him to walk into the house. The two small steps from the garage seemed gigantic and he faltered once only to have Brian steady his balance.

“Are you alright?”

Wanting to scream ‘NO’, Nick quietly said he was fine. Thoughts of lying down on the couch were dismissed quickly when Aaron bounded in front of him.

“Hey, I got that game set up in the den!”

Rubbing a hand over his face, Nick barely acknowledged Aaron. The lingering pain in his stomach was announcing its presence once more by sharp, stabs across the midsection. “Can we play in an hour?” Nick whispered between swallows.

The dark look that crossed Aaron’s face made Nick’s heart sink. He knew it hurt his little brother’s feelings when he asked if he could play later. Brian picked up on Aaron’s sullen face.

“Hey kiddo, lets let your brother take a nap, I know he’s really whipped,” Brian quickly offered.

“Nah,” Aaron replied softly, “I understand, it’s okay.”

“You’re not gonna get off that easy with me, besides, I think Nick would rest better knowing you’re getting your butt kicked by his best friend, right Nick?”

Nick managed to force a smile despite the pain.

“It wouldn’t be the same,” Aaron mumbled.

“Let me help Nick up to his room--”

“The couch is fine,” Nick interrupted.

Concern washed over Brian’s face. “Don’t you think you’d feel better laying in bed?”

“Yeah but I don’t think I can do stairs right now.”

Aaron sadly watched his brother take slow, calculated steps towards the living room. He was still having a hard time accepting that this was actually happening to Nick. Tucked back in his mind was the notion that it couldn’t be cancer; it was the drugs the doctor was making Nick take that was causing him to be so sick.

Unshed tears burned in Aaron’s eyes and he quickly darted around Nick and Brian towards the stairs, nearly running into Kevin.

“Whoa.... hey!” Kevin said as he grabbed the boy by the arms. Not daring to look up at the tall man, Aaron tried to jerk his arms from Kevin’s grip. “Aaron, calm down. What’s wrong?”

Afraid to make eye contact, Aaron kept his head down. Not trusting his voice, he shrugged his shoulders. Staring down at the young teen, Kevin’s eyes shifted as he tried to think of what was causing Aaron’s behavior. He suddenly theorized that it had to do with Nick probably being too tired to play the video game.

“Hey, I’m sure once Nick gets up from his nap he’ll be ready to play.”

After waiting for a few moments for a response, Kevin knelt down, looking at Aaron’s face. A lump formed in his throat when he could see the mixture of fear and sadness in the boy’s face.

“I don’t want him to die,” Aaron squeaked, wiping away the tears that started slipping down his cheeks.

Pain pierced his heart. At a loss for what to say, Kevin drew Aaron into a comforting hug. Wrapping his arms tightly around Keivn, Aaron sobbed into his sweater.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Nick!” Aaron yelped, dropping the controller on the floor as he jumped up and ran towards his brother.

“Hey Squirt.”

Aaron slowed in his movements toward his brother. His first impulse was to wrap his arms around him and give him a big hug, but Nick’s body language as well as the lack of enthusasiam in his voice indicated that all was not perfect with the older brother.

“How come you’re up already?” Brian questioned as he glanced at the clock on the wall.

Rubbing a hand slowly across his face, Nick yawned. “I just thought I should spend some time with AC.”

“Cool... are you ready for me to kick some serious ass?” Aaron called out as he bounded towards the Playstation equipment.

“You better hope Mom didn’t hear you say ass,” Nick softly reprimanded.

“You said it too.”

“Yeah but it’s my house.”

Brian could only grin and roll his eyes at the friendly banter between the two brothers. Normally Nick and Aaron could argue for hours on end on such topics as whether or not the sky is blue or the grass is green.

Taking his place at the end of the couch closest to the wide screen television, Nick grabbed a controller. “Bring it bud cause I’m showin’ no mercy today.”

“Famous last words,” Aaron smirked as he set the Madden football game up. “Just so ya know, I’m taking the Bucs.”

“Noooo, I am!” Nick paused for a moment before adding with a grin, “My Playstation, my tv, my house.”

“Oh for the love of God,” Brian sighed, shaking his head as he smiled.

Brian settled into the white leather wing back chair and watched the two brothers playing the video game, Nick slumped back on the couch; Aaron sitting cross legged on the floor off to the other side. He was glad to see the happiness on Nick’s face; something that had been missing lately. Although Nick was happy, Brian couldn’t ignore the fatigue that was in Nick’s blue eyes. He knew that Nick was pushing himself to please Aaron.

A couple of times he noticed Nick’s posture slouching further and further into the couch, the controller he held in his hands would drop onto his lap only to have him quickly jerk and lift it back up. Nick switched positions and laid down on his side, holding the controller on the edge of the couch, still agressively playing the game.

”EASY TACKLE!” Aaron sang out. “I’m kickin’ your ass now.”

Brian watched as Aaron’s players kept running over Nick’s players. The next play in the game, none of Nick’s players moved and Aaron sacked the quarterback.

“You know you have to try when you play!” He grinned, turning to look at his brother. “Nick?”

Brian looked over towards the couch finding Nick fast asleep, his mouth slightly open, the game controller still in his hands. He quickly looked to see what Aaron’s reaction would be to Nick falling asleep during the game. In a remarkable display of maturity, Aaron laid his controller down and quietly grabbed the blue and white afghan throw from the back of the couch and laid it gently over Nick’s body.

“Hey, I just baked a fresh batch of Nick’s favorite chocolate chip cookies,” Jane announced as she entered the den.

Looking up at his mother, Aaron placed his index finger to his lips and motioned towards Nick with his head.

Jane’s face paled as she took the sight in of her sick son laying on the couch. Tears filled her eyes. She mumbled a few words and turned and left the room.

Aaron looked apologetically at Brian. “She wants everything to be normal again.”

“We all do,” Brian added.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Fingering the keys in his hand, Nick stood in the parking lot staring at the hospital. He had managed to slip out of the house this morning, undetected but now he wondered if he really wanted to go to the hospital on this Monday morning.

For the first time in several weeks, the constant nausea was at a lower, more tolerable level and he decided he actually felt better and more energetic than he had in a long time. He knew that once the radiation started up that it would slowly suck the energy from his body and he would be craving constant naps as well as the other dreaded side effects from abdominal radiation which included frequent trips to the bathroom due to nausea as well as diarrhea.

Tears pooled in his blue eyes. “God, I hate this shit,” he mumbled to himself as he leaned against the car. He wondered why he wanted to do something to himself when he knew in the long run it would only kick his ass and cause him more pain and suffering when he was actually feeling well enough to do something with Aaron before he had to leave again.

His thoughts were humbled when he saw a young girl being assisted by what he assumed was the girl’s mother into the Oncology entrance. Tugging his ball cap over his eyes and taking a deep breath, Nick pushed his body away from the car and trudged toward the entrance.

Nick only had to make eye contact with Gail at the reception desk and she gave him a quick smile and a nod. He then retreated to the farthest area of the waiting room and slumped down onto the padded blue-green patterned chair.

“Then it is true?”

Lowering his magazine, Nick found himself caught in the gaze of a young woman who appeared to be in her middle teens. He narrowed his eyes at her, not sure if she was talking to him.

“I’m sorry, but I saw something on the Backstreet Board last week about you, but I was hoping it wasn’t true,” the girl explained.

Unsure of what to say, Nick shifted his weight in the chair, swallowing nervously, not offering any words.

“They said they saw you at the hospital the other week and how horrible you were looking, oh shit, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to say that.”

Nick continued to stare at the teenager, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him.

“You are Nick Carter, right?”

All Nick could do was bite his lower lip, wondering if there was some way he could escape this girls obession with playing twenty questions in the middle of an Oncology waiting room.

Before the girl had a chance to direct any more opinons about how he looked or what shape he was in, a nurse came to his rescue and motioned for him to follow her through an open door. She never called out his name and for that he was grateful.

“How are you feeling this morning?” the nurse asked over her shoulder as she continued to lead Nick down the large hall.

“Honestly, I feel a lot better than I have in weeks,” Nick admitted. Sighing, he added, “That’s why it was so hard to come here today.”

Stopping outside the men’s dressing room lockers, the nurse used a key opening a door labeled room fourteen. “I’m glad you fought the urge not to come. Gowns are on the top shelf and pants on the bottom. Gown ties up in the back. Take everything off but your socks and tennis shoes. I’ll be back to get you in a few minutes.”

Obediently, Nick slipped out of his clothes putting on the all-too-familiar mandatory hospital gown and pants. Opening the door a slight crack, he saw his nurse walking down the hall towards the room.

“That was good timing,” she smiled as she approached the door. “Follow me please.”

Nick followed the woman like a condemned man being led to the gas chamber. He was two steps behind her, his posture was slouched. He balked when he stood in the doorway, realizing that he had been led to an x-ray room instead of the radiation room. “T-this isn’t wh-where I sh-should b-be going,” he stammered.

“The rad wants new films of your abdomen,” the nurse explained. “It’s for comparision.” Looking at her patient, she could see that her words weren’t sinking in. “You’ve been on chemo so maybe the growth has shrunk and the treatment might not need to be so agressive and he needs to pinpoint where to aim the radiation.”

Reluctantly, Nick laid flat on the bed and shivered when the thin gown did little to provide protection from the coolness. As if his body language told the nurse that he was cold, she was quick to cover him with a fresh blanket from the warmer.

A radiology technician approached the table and slid unexposed films into the holder below the bed. The young girl had a nervous smile on her face.

“I’m going to have to touch you to find your hip,” she announced as she pressed a few inches above the hip bone, moving downwards until she was satisfied that she found her target. Adjusting the machine above Nick’s stomach, she causually told him that he needed to stay completely still.

After she repeated the procedure a few more times, she told Nick that she needed to see if the films came out okay and to stay where he was.

As he laid on the table, Nick could hear voices coming from another room. Conversations from co-workers about what they did that weekend and what they were planning on doing for lunch later today. He couldn’t help but feel the irony of how they were full of life, making plans and yet they worked in a place that was surrounded by death and suffering 24/7.

The technician returned to the room, a large brown envelope in her hands. “I’ll take you down to the treatment room,” she said softly as she approached the x-ray table. Offering her arm, she offered to help Nick up.

As he slowly sat up, he grunted “No, I can manage, thanks.”

Following the young girl towards the door, Nick suddenly stopped. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Turning around, she faced him and nodded.

“Would anything that happens here, not like here here but anyplace in the hospital, is there like any chance that stuff gets leaked out to the public?”

The girls eyes widened.

“No, I’m not worried that you’d tell anyone about me. It’s just that this one girl started asking me stuff when I was waiting in the lobby.”

“I take my job very seriously and I know that anyone in the Oncology unit does too. We believe in patient confidentality. I could lose my job if I told anyone anything about a patient. We can’t talk about cases by names to anyone in the hospital unless they are actively involved in treatment and care of the patient.”

“That girl said she read about me on the internet--”

“I know for a fact it couldn’t be from anyone here. It could have been a patient that saw you,” the tech interrupted. “I’m sorry, but you need to get down to the treatment room, they’re expecting you.”

Although he didn’t like the way the young girl ended her side of the conversation, Nick realized he had been lucky up to now about people finding out about him being sick. She was probably offending with him thinking that someone from the hospital had said something to the public.

He followed her down the familiar halls toward the room for radiation, all the time keeping his eyes fixed on the floor avoiding eye contact with anyone he passed.

A short black man took the envelope from the radiology tech. “Good morning Nick, I’m Dr. Reynolds.”

Watching the doctor pop the films into the viewer, Nick stared at the black and white images on the screen, wondering how anyone could understand what was on there.

“I see you’re scheduled to go down for an MRI this morning after this series,” Dr. Reynolds stated as he looked at the films.

“I am?”

“Yes, Dr. Andersen’s office scheduled it for you with instructions that you be accompanied to the room. Must be you have a habit of leaving AMA?”

“No, it’s not that.. I just don’t have time,” Nick replied quietly.

“I see,” the doctor said as he gestured toward the table. “Lay down.”

Nick obediently followed the man’s orders and assumed the prone position on the moving table. Although he realized he wasn’t the only patient that the Oncology Radiation Department dealt with, Nick could never get over the embarrassment he felt when they lifted his gown to expose his bloated stomach.

“Has anyone mentioned about doing tattoos on the stomach for markers?” the man asked as he penciled the areas with a permanent marker.

”NO!” Nick blurted. “I’m not planning on doing this forever!”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“I know how to get to the MRI place, you don’t have to follow me down there.”

“I’m sorry but Dr. Reynolds is making me follow your doctor’s orders. I guess it’s important to make sure you have this test done.”

Nick sighed. “But this is crazy, how many people do you actually lead down to their next appointment?”

“Um... actually, none, but you must be an exception,” the woman defended.

The woman opened the door leading into the MRI waiting lounge and motioned for Nick to walk in.

“Nah, ladies first.”

“Oh no you don’t, you go in before me, I’m not gonna fall for you slipping out of here,” she chided.

Glancing at the hospital gown Nick looked up and rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Oh like I’d get far wearing this?”

“You’re so right there because you can’t get your street clothes out of the locker without a key!”

Groaning, Nick took a seat in the waiting area, keeping his attention focused to the floor. The lounge was packed full of patients, and although Nick tried to keep to himself, he had to look up when a set of feet came into his view along with a pad of paper and a pen.

“Can I get your autograph?”

Glancing up, Nick’s eyes met with a woman, in her early twenties, hair neatly combed, all her make up perfectly applied. “I um, don’t think this is a good time,” he quietly apologized.

“Oh one little signature isn’t gonna kill you, besides, my sister Anna Lisa is a huge fan of you guys,” the woman persisted.

Reluctantly, Nick accepted the pen and the pad of paper and shakily scrawled Nick Carter and handed it back. His hopes of getting the woman out of his face was short lived when she plopped her body down into the vacant seat next to him.

“So, why are you getting an MRI? That’s what you’re getting, isn’t it?”

“I really don’t want to talk about this,” Nick mumbled in reply, glancing over to the window where his escort was standing, visiting with the receptionist, her back to the lobby.

“I’m getting one done for my back, I keep throwing it out and they want to make sure it’s not a disc gone bad,” the girl babbled on. “From what I’ve been hearing I guess yours isn’t something that simple, is it?”

The woman waited a few moments before repeating her question. Nick only shrugged his shoulders for a reply.

“Did you know they are saying you have something seriously wrong? I read that they say you have cancer---”

Nick started rubbing his forehead, trying to block the woman’s screeching voice out of his mind. She kept droning on with her story, talking too loudly in the lobby and people were starting to stare.

“Nickolas?”

Nick nearly jumped out of the chair when his name was called. He was happy to be freed of the woman’s endless questions and the stares of the crowd in the lobby. His escort jerked around when she heard his name being called.

“Hey Meggie, I can take the patient from here.”

“No, doctor wants me to be with him until this is finished, he likes to elope from the procedures.”

“That’s a bad thing,” the other woman scolded.

“I feel so stupid,” Nick admitted as he walked into the room.

“Okay, here’s the buzzer, you press on this if you don’t feel good or you need help, okay? We’ll be in the room over there during the test, it should take about 40 minutes. Are you cold?”

“A little.”

The tech quickly covered Nick up with a blanket from the warmer and he was almost lulled to sleep by the warmth as he was moved into the hollow tube. He hated having MRI’s already, he was thankful he wasn’t clausterphobic.

“Okay Nick, just relax, we’re going to do a series pre-contrast and then we’ll be bringing you out to give you an injection of grandulum.”

Despite the earplugs, Nick could hear the clicks and the ‘jackhammer’ noises from the test. His thoughts wandered and soon he was wondering how his life had gotten to this point. He kept thinking ‘I never did anything bad to anyone, why did I have to get cancer... was there something I don’t know about?’

The noises stopped and the bed was moved back out of the tube, a tech was standing beside the bed wearing a unnecessarily wide smile.

“Okay,” she sighed as she pulled the blanket away from Nick’s arm, “I have to give you a contrast injection.”

“Wouldn’t it be a little easier to go through the port?”

The girl looked at Nick’s face and concern washed over her expression. “Uh, oh ye-yeah, sorry, I forgot about that. Where is it?”

Pulling the collar of the gown off to one side, he exposed the port, avoiding looking at the girl’s face.

“Oh, that’s so much easier,” she stated quietly and Nick was thinking it was to herself. “Okay, you might feel a little warm for a sec.... there, all done. Got your trouble button?”

Holding the skinny white tube up, Nick replied, “Yep.”

“Alrighty, we’ll finish the series with the dye and it should be done soon.”

The tech returned to the viewing room, sighing as she took her seat at the long white counter that faced the MRI equipment. “I can’t believe how dumb I was that I didn’t realize he would have a port.” Her gaze went from the white tube where the patient laid to the television screen monitor that laid out the images as they were being scanned by the machine. Leaning closer to the monitor, the woman squinted her eyes and then widened them. “Oh fuck.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

The drive home from the hospital Nick chose to take in silence. No radio, no distractions, just him alone with his thoughts. The tears in his eyes blurred his vision but cleared each time he blinked.

Nick couldn’t be sure, but he wondered if there was something more in the woman’s eyes after he finished with the MRI this morning. He could have sworn she had been crying but also her bedside manner seemed to change more, treating him like he was a helpless infant when the time came for him to get up from the table and walk back to the patient lockers.

Then there was the girl that cornered him in the Oncology waiting room firing questions at him and then the other person that wanted an autograph as well as answers to questions about cancer and how bad off he was.

Nick felt like the walls were slowly closing in on him. He knew he couldn’t keep the cancer a secret forever, but he wanted more time. To have the fans and the press know about this would be an admittance of defeat and he was not ready to give up just yet. There was too much he still had left to accomplish in his life.

Driving through the gates and up the winding path towards his house, Nick made a decision. He was going to push himself beyond the pain and the fatigue that the cancer seemed to throw at him daily.

After pulling into the garage, Nick cut the engine and held the keys tight in his grasp. He took a quick glance at his pale features in the review mirror.

“Fuck this! You’re gonna beat it!”

Nick entered the kitchen finding AJ seated at the breakfast table, newspaper fanned out. “Nick, where the hell have you been?”

“Are the rest of the guys up?”

“What? No ‘I’m sorry AJ, I didn’t mean to worry you?’ “

Nick tossed a fake smile, jaw clenched.

“Oh so much better,” AJ remarked, lifting a mug of coffee to his lips.

“Are the rest of the guys up yet?” Nick repeated.

“Um, I really don’t know,” AJ replied in a sarcastic tone.

Sighing, Nick threw his hands up in the air. “Screw you.... you’ve never been much help.”

AJ watched as Nick stormed past, toward the living room.

”Brian..... Kev... Howie!”

“Nick, why the hell are you shouting? You’re gonna wake up Aaron. Is something wrong?” Brian whispered.

“I want to go to the studio this morning, we need to record this album.”

“Whoa... whoa, hold on a sec,” Brian demanded, grabbing his friend by the arms, turning his body towards him. He studied Nick’s face, locking his eyes with Nick’s. “Is something wrong?”

Nick looked away from Brian’s gaze. “No, I just want to record. I feel good, lets get this thing going.”

“Nick, look at me,” Brian stated in a firm voice. “Is something wrong? Did something happen this morning?”

Looking down at Brian, Nick swallowed nervously and then in a calm voice he stated, “Everything is fine.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Drop it, okay, there’s nothing to tell you. I had my radiation this morning like a good boy and now I want to go into the studio, is there a crime for wanting that?”

Letting go of Nick’s arms, Brian sighed and shook his head. “Guess not. I’ll go get Howie and Kev and we can leave in about an hour, okay? You can go to your room and lay down, I’ll get you when everyone is ready.”

“I don’t want to lay down. I want to go to the studio.”

Brian could feel the ache in his heart. Something was going on with Nick that he wasn’t sharing and it scared him. Nick was always a hard one to break, but his eyes always gave him away, and what Brian saw he wished he hadn’t. Something was going on and he would get to the bottom of it eventually.