+Chapter Eight+
Another Day, Another Sesson

I sat in my car for the longest time, staring at the office building. I was
back at Dr. Worley’s office, not because I wanted to, it was more like I was
forced to. Mom gave me an ultimatum saying I could go alone or she would
not only drive me there, she would escort me into the office to make sure I
went.

The look on AC’s face and the words he spoke pretty much helped me to
make my mind up. I guess I never really thought I needed help. I could tough
this out, but when Aaron made the comment that I was acting so distant and
cold hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t put a wall up around my baby
brother.

A wall of protection.

Like Brian.

I squashed the cigarette out with my foot, almost as if I was displacing all
the madness that was going on with Brian and myself. I was half hoping that
when I reached the office door that it would be locked and I could turn and
leave. No such luck. The doctor was standing at the receptionist desk and
saw me when I walked in.

“Hi Nick, I was just about to give up hope seeing you this morning, you’re
fifteen minutes late.”

God, was he a hall monitor or something? I knew I was fifteen minutes late
but it was a deliberate fifteen minutes, almost like a private protest on my
part.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I mumbled a lame apology and followed the doctor
back into his office.

“Okay, so when we left off you were starting to tell me about how you
noticed changes in Brian’s behavior in forgetting things, can you pick up from
there?”

I smacked a fresh pack of cigarettes against my palm, packing the tobacco
down into the filters. I tore the pack open and pulled out a cigarette and
quickly lit it.

“I really don’t know how to describe everything,” I apologized.

“You don’t have to paint a graphic picture, just the details,” Dr. Blake
pressed.

I swallowed nervously. “I ah, I don’t really know how to begin.”

“Nick, I was going to wait until we were further down into your sessions, but
I think we’re going to need a little help.”

“Help?” I asked as my eyes scanned the room looking for something out of
the ordinary.

“I’m going to use hypnosis, it seems the only way to bring this out,” Dr.
Worley stated in a calm voice.

“Hypnosis? You mean like that stuff where they make people think they’re
someone else?”

A slight smile formed on Dr. Worley’s lips. “No, no not party hypnosis,
medical hypnosis. But if you’re wondering, yes I would have the capabilities
to make you think you’re President Bush.”

“I dunno,” I replied as I fiddled with the bic lighter in my hand.

“Nick, it’s the only way I can help you through this, you want to get better
don’t you? You want to stop blaming yourself.”

I nodded slightly. I did want to get better.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

+Chapter Nine+
It Won't Work



“Okay Nick, this should take effect within a few minutes,” Dr. Worely said
as he swabbed my upper arm with rubbing alcohol and then injected some
medication into my arm.

“I think you’re kidding yourself, there’s no way you’ll be able to hypnotize
me,” I replied as I watched him place a band-aid over the injection site.

“Just relax, I’ve been doing this for quite some time and I always know who I
can and cannot put under. You’re going to be a very easy subject.”

“Whoa, you weren’t kidding about this stuff. It’s pretty good shit,” I
mumbled as I suddenly felt the effects of the med that he had given me.

“Valium always has a calming effect. I want you to relax and empty your
mind,” the doctor stated in a calm, quiet voice.

I had no choice but to listen to his calming words. I suddenly felt free,
relaxed, no worries or stresses in my life. Instantly I felt as if I were laying
on a white sandy beach. The warmth of the sand felt so good against my skin.
The sea gulls were squawking above me and the roar of the waves lulled me
into a deep sleep....

+Chapter Ten+
Reaching Back
“Hey kid, you gonna sleep all day on the beach or what?”

I jerked awake when I heard the thick southern accent direct a question at
me.

“Huh? Oh god, it’s just you again. You sure do like to pick on me and would
you stop calling me kid. I’m 14 and hardly a child,” I sputtered as jumped up
to my feet and started to gather my belongings.

“Okay, sure thing Nicky,” Brian remarked with a smirk.

“Would you quit calling me Nicky!? You know I hate that B-ROK!” I fired
back, adding the last word with strong sarcasim.

“Oooh, you hurt me!” Brian mocked.

“Boy for someone that’s a god-fearing Bible reading Christian, you sure like
to pick on people and push them,” I shot back.

“Would you two just knock it off,” Kevin yelled over his back.

“Hey who elected you my Daddy?” Brian called out.

“Your Momma called me dear cuz and she told me to watch out for your
sorry butt,” Kevin replied.

“Well if y’all are watching my butt then I’m gonna be watchin’ Nickolas’s butt
from now on,” Brian winked at me as he spoke.
**Drifting Further**
I sat in the hotel room alone and scared. Brian and the guys left me again to
go clubbing so I was left with a television set which only had German shows
to watch and my Nintendo. I could have called home but the time difference
was over ten hours from Florida and they would no doubt be gone off doing
something with the rest of the family.

The painful reviews were echoing in my head and I couldn’t stop them. The
press was saying that we sang off key and lacked talent. Brian, AJ and Kevin
all had girls and I didn’t see any chance in my life that I would ever find
anyone to love. I craved normalcy in my life. Highschool dances, football
games, basketball games, first loves. That was all taken away from me. I was
a prisioner in my own little world and I hated it all.

Taking a sheet of hotel paper and a pen, I hastily scrawled out my goodbyes.
I was going to run away and leave everyone. I needed to find myself.

When you find this letter I will be gone. You have your lives and you have all
the things I will never get. I’m tired of living like this. Tell my parents I love
them and not to worry.

Childishly, I signed the letter “Love, Nick.”

Wiping the tears from my eyes and ignoring my runny nose, I grabbed my
clothes and stuffed them into my duffel bag. My Nintendo wasn’t going to
fit so I grabbed some games and decided I would have to leave the machine
behind.

I decided it would be a good idea to take a quick nap before I started off
since it could be days before I would find a place to stay. I laid back on my
bed, the duffel bag laid at my side.

I realized my plan was foiled when I felt someone sitting down on my bed. I
rolled over to see Brian, holding the goodbye note I had written.

“Nick, you don’t really mean this, do you?”

I set my jaw, “Yes.”

“That would kill me if you did that. You’re my brother, a part of me,” Brian
said quietly.

“I dunno, I just want a normal life,” I defended.

“Nick, who’s to say that this isn’t normal? This is your life, this is my life. I’m
going to be beside you every step of the way and I’m going to try to help you
through all of this, you’re never gonna be alone. Anytime you have a problem,
you can come to me, you know that don’t you?”

“I guess so.”

“Nick I love you and I’m always going to be there for you. Always and
forever,” Brian said as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.
**Back Again**
“I’m telling you, doc, you won’t get me under hypnosis,” I stated smugly.

“Here,” the doctor stated with a smile as he held out a box of tissues.

It was then that I realized that my face was wet from tears and my nose
was stuffed up.

“I will plan on seeing you again tomorrow. This was a good session Nick, it will
be a better one tomorrow.”

“Um yeah,” I mumbled as I stood up. I still felt a little tired from the med
he had given me, but it was a good tired. “Thanks doc.”

+Chapter Eleven+
A Window of Memories
~*~*~*~*~
Brian stared at the open door to his room. He was hoping that someone would
come to visit him to take the monotony of the day away from him. His
memory came and went and he knew it. There were good days and bad days,
all chalked up to that damn chemo he had, he theorized.

Sliding off the bed and hopping onto his feet, Brian grabbed the photo
album that someone - he couldn’t think of who at this particular moment -
had given him. The pages had become well worn from him going over it at
least several thousand times. In the beginning of the book were pictures of
himself when he was around three years old and advanced from that point up
until a few months ago before he was placed into this adult care facility.

Brian stopped at one particular picture. The memories were so intense. He
remembered when that photo had been taken - it was on Nick’s 21st
birthday and they were getting ready for the trip to Tampa for the
superbowl stint. His fingers followed the outline of Nick and himself.

Brian remembered that he was becoming very ill from the chemo and had
been hiding it pretty good from the guys. At every stop he would use an
excuse for leaving and taking Steve, his bodyguard along with him. No one
seemed to know any different for awhile until that one day in May when Nick
walked in on him. Brian shuddered when that memory came up and quickly
shut the photo album and shoved it back into it’s place on the shelf.

“Hi Brian, you need to take your afternoon meds,” Alicia, the afternoon nurse
smiled as she walked into the room.

Brian smiled as his nurse. He took the cup she was holding and looked down
at the bottom. There were a colorful assortment of various pills that he had
to take three times a day.

“I wonder what would happen if I skip them,” Brian wondered outloud.

“Don’t even think about it!” Alicia replied as she handed a styrofoam cup of
water to him.

Sighing, Brian dumped the cup of meds into his mouth followed by a huge
drink of water to wash them down.

Smiling, he handed the cup back to the nurse. “Ya happy now?”

“Estatic,” came the quick reply.

“What exactly is it I have to take everyday?” Brian questioned.

“Let’s see, you have a vitamin supplement, a water pill, iron, three meds for
your cancer and a sedative.”

“Okay, so which one is it that is screwing me up so much?”

“Excuse me?”

“Which one is making me crazy?” Brian asked innocently.

“You mean how your memory comes and goes,” the nurse replied as she was
charting off the meds in Brian’s records.

“Yeah that,” Brian replied as he watched her shuffle the meds around on the
cart.

“You should ask your doc that when he makes the rounds,” Alicia replied.

Brian lightly grabbed her by the arm. “No, that could be too late. I can think
and understand clearly right now, this might not stick around and who knows
when it leaves if I’ll ever be coming back. I need to know why I’m going
crazy.” He bit the inside of his lip to try and stop the tears that were filling
in his eyes from falling.

“Honey, I wish I could answer that for you, but off the record, alot of the
patients that I’ve seen in my career that have had chemotherapy has had
some effect on the mind and altered their thoughts and memories. I’m sorry,
I wish there was something better I could tell you.”

“So this is never going to get better?”

Alicia shook her head. “But I think it’s a blessing that you won’t realize
what’s going on when the end comes.”

+Chapter Twelve+
Confrontations

The chemo had been going along well, and Brian was figuring that no one
knew what was going on. He managed to ask his personal bodyguard to
accompany him at every tour stop, not to ask any questions and to absolutely
not tell anyone anything that he saw or heard at the stops.

Nick approached Steve one day after he and Brian came back from one of
those times that they secretly disappeared for a few hours.

“Hey Steve, what’s up?”

Steve glanced up at Nick as he continued to toss his cards down on the table
at a rapid pace. It was some game that the guards usually played and it was a
face paced game, one miscalculation and you could lose. “Hey Nick.”

Nick watched the cards flying back and forth across the table. He took a big
gulp from the water bottle he was holding. “Is there some place we can go to
talk? I need to ask you some stuff.”

Nick’s request caught Steve offguard and he miscalculated his cards and
threw the wrong one down causing him to lose the game. He cursed under his
breath as the men around the table laughed at his loss and started in with
their name calling.

“Yeah I guess we can go now since I just lost fifty bucks,” he grunted as he
pushed himself away from the table.

“Oh, sorry man,” Nick apologized quickly.

“Yeah, well, for me fifty bucks is almost a half days pay and I have a kid to
support believe it or not,” Steve continued to grumble as he and Nick walked
out of the hotel room towards Nick’s room.

Once inside Nick’s hotel room, Steve stood in the center, refusing to sit
down. He folded his arms defensively across his chest. He was preparing
himself not to leak out any info on Brian. He had a hunch that this was where
Nick was going to be going.

“Okay Steve, I’m gonna get straight to the point, what the hell is going on
with Brian?”

Steve shook his head. “Nick, you know that I’m not allowed to discuss Brian
with you. I’m his personal trust.”

“Steve, I’m begging ya man, I know something’s not right. You and him
disappear at every freakin stop for a few hours at a time and when you come
back you come back empty handed and Brian looks a new shade of green.
Something’s up and I need to know!”

“No can do,” Steve stated firmly.

Nick paced the room as he thought. “Okay, how about I pay you for the
info?”

Steve softened a little at the mention of money. “It would have to be alot to
make me tell you anything.”

“Five hundred?”

“Make it twenty five hundred and I’ll sing like a canary,” Steve replied.

“Steve, I don’t have that on me and there’s no ATM machine that would allow
that kind of cash out,” Nick replied.

Steve turned on his heel. “Then we have nothing to talk about.”

“Okay, okay, how about I go and take out $500 right now from the ATM in
the lobby and then I give you all I have on me and I owe you the rest
tomorrow, would that do?” Nick blurted out while he tried to itemize the
contents in his wallet.

“I guess that will do,” Steve replied.

Steve followed Nick out of the room down to the lobby while he made his
withdrawal from the automatic teller machine. Nick winced as he decided to
use his credit cards for a quick withdrawal, knowing full well that his CPA
was going to wring his neck when he saw the bills and the high interest rate
he would be paying for the cash advances.

“Here, two thousand five hundred, all paid up. Now, let’s go to that
conference room there and talk about this,” Nick stated as he strode over
to a small room off the lobby.

“I’ve been taking Brian to a hospital at every stop,” Steve started out in a
low voice.

Nick’s eyes shifted back and forth as he tried to grasp the situation. “A
hospital? Why?”

“Well most of the time it’s to have blood drawn for labwork. His doctor
arranged for Brian to carry a card with him and he has blood drawn and the
results faxed to his doctor in Kentucky.”

“Okay, most of the time. What about the other times?” Nick asked slowly.

“The other times he gets hooked up for chemo,” Steve replied quietly.

The word chemo hit Nick like a punch in the stomach. “Chemo?” He narrowed
his eyes at Steve.

“He has cancer, he’s trying to beat it without anyone knowing about it I
guess.”

“Where? How?” Nick’s mind was racing, a million thoughts running wild.

“I guess it’s leukemia. They’re trying to push it into remission.”

“Oh my god..... oh my god,” Nick cried out. “No, this can’t be! They had to
have made a mistake!”

“I’m sorry but I’m just telling you what I know. You’d have to talk to him to
find out more. Can I go now? You’re gonna be alright aren’t you?”

Nick couldn’t talk, he simply nodded.

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yep,” Nick choked out.

+Chapter Thirteen+
Admissions
“Bri, it’s me, Nick, I can I come in?”

I waited out in the hall, staring at the white hotel door waiting for a reply
from Brian.

Nothing.

“Brian?”

I spotted a woman from housekeeping walking down the hall with her cart
out the corner of my eye.

“Hey, my friend’s not answering his door, can you use your pass key and open
it up for me please?” I pasted a quick smile on my face and prayed to god
that it would work.

“Si,” the woman replied with a heavy Spanish accent.

She barely had her card out of the door when I pushed it open. I rushed into
the room, Brian wasn’t anywhere to be seen. There was a slit under the
bathroom door, a light was shining under it.

“Brian?” I called out as I stood on the other side of the door.

Nothing, no answer.

I pushed the door open and gasped. Brian looked up at me, a funny look on his
face at first and then it was immediately replaced with a look of anger.

“Nick! How the hell did you get in here?” he yelled as he covered up his
chest. It was too late, I saw something that looked like a button protruding
from his chest near his collar bone and it had a pump of some kind attached
to it.

“I’m sorry, you didn’t answer the door and I was worried about you,” I
replied quickly.

“Yeah well I’m fine so you can leave now,” he replied. I could see the hurt in
his face.

“Brian, please, don’t shut me out, talk to me,” I pleaded.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he defensively replied.

“Please Brian,” I pressed. “Something’s not right, I can tell. Talk to me.”

He sat there quietly for the longest time, not saying a word, still holding the
shirt up closely to his chest as if he let it down it would cause something to
escape. Finally after what seemed like hours but in all actuality was only
minutes he burst into tears.

“I’m scared.”

I rushed up to him and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m scared too, Brian.”

He looked up at me with tear stained cheeks. “This is something I can’t
control Nick. I’m trying and trying and I think I’m getting worse instead of
better. I can feel it eating away at me and it scares me. They have been
telling me that if I make it to Christmas then I’m doing good.”

“You will,” I barely spoke, my voice breaking.

“I’m tired Nick. I’m scared and I’m tired. When I went to the doctor’s it
took me by complete suprise with the leukemia diagnosis. I prayed that it
was a mistake but it all seemed to fit. I’m slowly losing my mind and I’m
afraid that one day I won’t know you. It’s some side affect from the drugs
they have me on to fight this. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a good idea or
not.”

I didn’t speak, I listened to every word he spoke and my heart ached for him
as he obviously was trying to keep his composure.

“Nick, I.... I made you my personal protector for when I get bad,” Brian
stammered.

My heart dropped hearing that.

“You’re not going to get bad, you’ll beat this Brian,” I replied, believing that
if I was convinced nothing bad would happen, then nothing bad would happen.
“I’ll make sure you’ll get better.”

“Thanks Chaos,” Brian whispered.

God, he hadn’t called me that nickname in a long time. I smiled. “Brian, tell
me all that I need to know, I’m going to help you and I’m going with you to
the hospital from now on.”

He smiled. “Nick, you don’t have to waste your time doing that.”

“I have to. We’re in this together now.”

+Chapter Fourteen+
Some Outside Help



“Nick, for crying out loud, you gonna shoot that thing or what?”

“Huh?” I looked over at my little brother. He was standing away from me, his
arms folded across his chest.

“You’ve been standing there aiming the ball and not shooting it for like, oh,
about FIVE MINUTES!”

“I’m sorry, my mind’s on something else.” I shot the ball. Instead of going
directly into the basket, it flew over the backboard. We both watched it roll
down the grassy slope.

“Nice one Nick,” Aaron yelled sarcastically over his shoulder as he ran to
retrieve the ball.

“AC, I.... I’m sorry, but I just can’t play right now, I have too much on my
mind. I’m really sorry. I promise I’ll play later.”

“Nick? Let’s go sit at the pool and talk. Maybe I can help,” Aaron hollered as
he scooped up the ball.

I smiled despite myself. In his fourteen year old innocence, he really was
thinking he could help me with my burdens. “I dunno if you really can.”

“Maybe you should give me a chance, you’d be suprised,” Aaron smiled a
lopsided grin at me. He gestured with his hand for me to follow him out back
to the pool, dribbling the ball on the walkway along the side of the house. He
sat at the edge of the pool, plunging his feet into the water. Rolling my
pantlegs up, I did the same.

We sat there for almost three minutes, neither one of us saying anything,
staring at the blue water.

“Well?” Aaron piped up. “Remember, I said I could help you.”

I sighed heavily. I knew full well that Aaron couldn’t possibly begin to help
me, but he may be able to help me to feel a little better about the situation.
“Well, you know all about what’s been going on with Brian, right?”

Aaron didn’t say a word, he just nodded.

“I just can’t help but think that there was something I could have done to
help, I mean, he’s slowly slipping away from me and there’s nothing I can do.
He hates me for doing what I did to him and I know when he has his good
days he can’t help but hate me for putting him in that nursing home.”

I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Nick, Brian doesn’t hate you. He’s sick and he
can’t understand that what you did was something you had to do. He wasn’t
himself and you couldn’t leave him alone.”

“Yes, but I should have tried taking care of him longer than what I did.”

“Nick, god, you tried longer than anyone else would have ever tried. Brian
was a danger to himself, you did as much as you could but he was always
wandering off, remember when he fell into the pool?”

I squeezed my eyes shut tight at the memory. It was like he had no concept
of how to swim, like the water was going to hold him up. His eyes grew so big
when he kept trying to get up out of the pool. If I hadn’t been in the kitchen
at the time, he surely would have drown.

“You did everything you could. There was nothing more that you could have
done.”

Our conversation was interrupted by my sister, Leslie bring the cordless
phone out to the pool. “Nick, it’s AJ.” She handed me the phone acting like it
was posionous.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Thanks. Hello?”

“Yeah, Nick?”

“Hi AJ.”

“I was wondering if you wanted to meet up with me for a bit, I want to help
take your mind off of stuff man.”

“No, I’m okay AJ, I got my family with me,” I replied.

“No man, really, you gotta get out. When’s the last time you circulated
yourself?”

I rolled my eyes listening to him. Clubbing, that was always AJ’s key to
happiness. “Really AJ, I wouldn’t be much fun.”

“I’m picking you up at 8 so you better be ready or else you’ll be going dressed
as you are.”

“Don’t I have a choice in this?”

“Nope.”

I switched the phone to my other ear. “Okay AJ, tell you what, we go
clubbing but only if you pick me up at 6. We go see Brian together first and
then we go out.”

“Man, that’s gonna be a total downer,” AJ replied.

“So? Do you want me to go out or not?”

“Yeah, okay, six o’clock then,” AJ snapped into the phone. Before I could
reply, he shut me off.

“Well bro, like it or not, I’ve been drafted to circulate.”

“Good for you Nick!” Aaron cheered.

+Chapter Fifteen+
Seems Like Old Times
To my suprise, AJ showed up at my house promptly at 6pm, just like I had
specified. When I came down the stairs, he was sitting in the living room,
watching Aaron and Angel playing a video game. He always seemed odd to me,
definately not a family type person. Maybe it was from the unusual way he
grew up.

“Hey, glad to see you’re ontime for a change,” I remarked as I entered the
room, buttoning the last few buttons on my shirt.

“Well, it was the least I could do, dumbass.”

That word wasn’t allowed in my parent’s house and AJ realized his mistake
immediately when Angel turned and looked at him, her mouth hanging open.
Then she threw him a look that could have easily put him six feet under.
Aaron on the otherhand, was used to hearing those type of words and let it
slide and continued on playing the game.

“Oops, sorry,” he quickly apologised.

He looked sheepishly at my mother, who gave him a disapproving look.

“I forgot my manners, I’m really sorry Mrs. Carter,” he stated and then
added a wink for good measure. My mother, never one to be fooled or bought
out by charm (god knows I’ve tried) rolled her eyes at him and then breezed
on through towards the kitchen. He shifted nervously on the couch and
cleared his throat. “So you ready to go?”

“Yeah, but you did remember we’re stopping to see Bri before we go
anywhere,” I softly reminded him as I grabbed my ballcap and put it on.

“I know,” AJ sighed as he followed me out the door leading to the garage.

“Should I drive or are you?” As I looked at his car, I felt a cool breeze go
over my skin. I quickly rubbed my arms.

“I’ll drive, it was my idea to go out in the first place,” he stated as he pulled
the keys out of his front pocket.

“Yippeee,” I mumbled under my breath as I climbed into the passenger seat.

“So what shape do you think he’ll be in when we get there?” AJ asked as he
fumbled with the radio dials, the car drifting over the centerline in the road.
He looked up before I said anything and quickly jerked the steering wheel to
correct the car.

“With your driving, probably one hell of a lot better than us,” I replied as I
tightened my seatbelt.

Neither one of us spoke the rest of the ride to ‘Brian’s home.’ Not any of us
were able to call it the nursing home, it was just called ‘Brian’s home’ in the
rare times any of us talked about it.

“Here we are,” AJ announced as he pulled the car into a parking spot and
killed the engine.

“Try and be pleasant and positive please,” I asked AJ as I undid my seatbelt
and got out of the car.

“I’m always pleasant and positive, dumbass,” AJ spat back.

I chose to ignore the remark as I pressed the intercom button to announce
our presence at the door.

Stopping at the receptionist’s desk, I asked if Brian was still in room 22 and
after spelling his last name for her she smiled and told us yes.

“This place gives me the creeps,” AJ stated as he looked at the various
residents of the home wandering in the hall. “The smell has to be the worst,
god, how can anyone live like this?”

I stopped in midstride and turned to face AJ. “Probably because they don’t
have any other choice!”

AJ put his hands up as if to deflect any advance I were to make. “Okay,
okay, I get your point, god, don’t go postal on my ass now.”

I shook my head as I turned and continued down the hall towards Brian’s
room. I surmised from AJ’s remarks that he hadn’t come to Greenville to
visit him. It was something we all hated to do, not the actual visiting but the
fact that Brian could be okay one minute and then totally not with it the
next. That sucked.

I knocked softly on the door to his room. He was laying in his bed and I
wasn’t sure if he was sleeping or watching tv. He stirred quickly when I
knocked. He stared at me for a moment, blinking his eyes.

“Nick?”

“Yeah, hey how ya doing, Bri?” I asked as I pasted a smile on my face,
entering the room. “Look who I dragged along with me.”

Brian looked past me at AJ, his eyes started to fill with tears.

“AJ? Oh god, it’s good to see you!”

AJ smiled nervously and was caught completely off guard when Brian jumped
off the bed and wrapped him in a tight hug. AJ’s arms hung limply at his
sides as if he were afraid to return the hug.

After Brian pulled back, he looked him over. “No new tattoos, are you giving
it up?”

AJ looked puzzled for a moment and then slowly smiled, not replying to
Brian’s observation. This was confusing him, Brian was acting like Brian.

Okay, now the akward silence started to enter the room, only the snoring of
Brian’s room mate cut in every now and then.

Brian tugged nervously at his sweatshirt. “Hey, how about we go to the
visiting room? It’s a little better than standing in here.”

“Good idea,” I replied.

Better than last time, Brian led us directly to the room, no mistakes were
made this time and he seemed to act as if he had never gotten lost before.

“So,” he began as he down on the couch that faced ours, only a coffee table
separating us. “tell me what brings you to this god forsaken place.”

I really felt stupid when I realized that I had been depressed about the
situation. Here my best friend was in this nursing home and I was out walking
around freely. I honestly had nothing to be depressed over.

“To visit you, ya dork,” I replied.

Brian smiled.

After we visited for roughly 45 minutes, AJ sprung an idea that floored me.

“Bri, would you like to sneak out and go clubbing with me and Nicky?”

I elbowed him hard in the ribs.

“Hey! What the hell was that for?” AJ protested, rubbing his side.

“Yeah that sounds like fun, sure I’ll go, anything’s better than sitting around
here rotting to death,” Brian replied.

“No, Brian, you can’t do that,” I advised.

“Why not?” he stared at me, his blue eyes nearly going through me.

“Yeah Nick, why not? He’s fine, he’s really doing good,” AJ rasped.

I sighed. It was like trying to reason with two eight year olds. “Because,
what would we do if he goes Dr. Demento on us?”

Brian narrowed his eyes at me and then raised an eyebrow. “Dr. Demento?”

“Yeah, you know, blank out on me.”

“Nick, I’ve been fine all week, besides, if I get wacked out on you, you can
just bring me back here.”

“I dunno Brian, kidnap you?”

“They won’t miss me, I’ve already had my pm meds so the nurses won’t be
around again anymore, just give me a few minutes to put on a pair of jeans
and my Nike’s and I’ll be good to go. I can blend out of here with you guys.”

“I’ll go start the car,” AJ announced, smoothing the jeans out on his thighs
as he stood up.

“AJ, we’re not robbing a bank, stick with me!”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Brian called out as he left us in the room, the
only other people in there was an elderly woman with a doll buggy, acting as
if she were tending to a newborn baby and a man sitting at a table, shoving
checkers in his mouth.

“Oh this is just classic,” AJ stated as he stared at the man putting yet
another checker into his mouth.

+Chapter Sixteen+
A Night of Unwanted Adventures

“Brian’s riding shotgun, you can sit in the back,” AJ directed at me as we
walked out the front entrance towards the car.

“Thanks,” I replied as I got into the backseat, my knees pressing up against
the front seat.

“So where are we going?” Brian asked as he buckled in. “Anyplace would suit
me just fine, I’m so glad to get out of there, you wouldn’t believe me if I told
you.”

“Let’s just enjoy ourselves, okay? No more talk about that crap. We gotta
get you circulated into the mainstream again, Bri, I bet that would be the
best thing in the world for you,” AJ stated as he drove down the highway.

“So where are we going?” I asked hesitantly. I was actually afraid of AJ’s
idea of a nice place to take Brian. I was still worried about him flipping out
on us and drawing a blank.

“Well, I was thinking about Tabu--”

“Howie’s? No way dude, nope,” I protested quickly.

“Would you let me finish dumbass?” AJ snapped back.

I held my hands up, “Go ahead.”

AJ shifted in his seat, adjusting the shoulder strap on the seatbelt. “As I
was saying I was thinking about Tabu, but that’s in Orlando which is
miles from here, plus the club scene may be too intense for Brian here.”

“Ya think so smartone?” I replied sarcastically. I was so dead set against
this clubbing thing with Brian to begin with. I had an uneasy feeling about
this.

“Okay so where to then?” Brian asked, ignoring Nick’s obvious apprehension.

“How about Mac’s?”

“MAC’S? ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FRICKEN MIND!?” I yelled at AJ. That
club was very fast paced, it certainly would be too much for Brian to handle.

“Whoa, Nicky, if you don’t like the choice then stay in the car. I’m sure Brian
can handle this, he’s a big boy.”

I slumped against black leather seat in the back, folding my arms across my
chest defensively. I was totally against any of this and I knew that I would
definately have to stick close to Brian to make sure nothing would happen.
AJ would be wrapped up in his own little world once we hit the club.

“Here we are,” AJ announced proudly as he pulled up to the valet. AJ
deliberatly ignored making eye contact with me, so I knew there would be no
chance of getting to persuade him to change his mind. Thank god so far,
Brian was still acting like good ole Brian, so I was guessing it could have been
worse. I kept my fingers crossed that this would continue until we got him
safely back to Greenville.

As we walked into the nightclub, I couldn’t help but notice the pointing and
the whispers as we filed past tables towards our booth. As soon as we sat
down, we were approached by three young women.

“Didn’t you used to be Brian Littrell?” a tall burnette gushed.

Brian looked up at her with a lopsided grin, my stomach was doing flip flops.

“Used to be? I still am,” Brian replied with a chuckle.

The girl thrust a napkin and a pen towards Brian. “I’ve been a fan of yours
for years. Could I have your autograph?”

Brian accepted the pen and napkin from the girl. As he struggled with trying
to write his name, I jumped in and bailed him out. “You know those darn
napkins are hard to write on with a ball point pen.”

“Uh, yeah I guess you’re right there,” the girl agreed.

Brian’s handwriting wasn’t like it used to be, but the girl wouldn’t have cared.
She asked for a picture and then her face turned red when she realized she
didn’t have a camera with her.

“Hey honey, that’s okay, just scoot back to your table now, okay?” AJ
requested.

“Oh, um, yeah, gosh I’m sorry, you guys must be busy. Thanks again Brian,”
the girl replied as she fumbled with the napkin and the pen, quickly turning
away.

After she left, the three of us sat in the booth in an akward silence, the
only noises was the music coming from the horrible band the club had hired.
The bass on the drums definately drowned out any of the other accoustics in
the band.

“I dunno about you guys, but I’m getting a little thristy and since it’s obvious
that the waitress either is on lunch break or gone for the day, I’m gonna go
grab something to drink. What do you want?” I asked Brian and AJ.

“Black Russian,” came AJ’s reply.

“I guess I’ll take a Heiniken,” Brian stated.

Brian rarely drank but when he did have something it was usually one beer.
Period.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few then,” I remarked as I scooted out of the booth,
leaving AJ and Brian to strike up conversations. After finding my way to the
bar, it took me a good ten minutes of being pleasant to girls that came up to
talk to me before I could place our drink orders.

“Yeah, I’d like a Black Russian, Heiniken and a Salty Dog,” I shouted the
order over the music.

“Fifteen fifty,” the woman behind the bar replied.

“Figures,” I mumbled under my breath. As I made my way back to the booth,
I felt panic rising when I noticed that AJ was sitting in the booth by
himself.

“Where’s Brian?”

“He went to the bathroom,” AJ replied, never taking his eyes off of a girl
that was standing thirty feet away from him wearing super tight shorts.

I quickly set the drinks down on the table. “You let him go to the bathroom
by himself?”

“Nick, I’m sure he’s fine. I think he knows what to do when he gets in the
bathroom, don’t you?”

“Oh, god, AJ, that’s not the point. What if he freaks or if something goes
wrong or anything!” I stated as I threw my hands angrily into the air. AJ
never broke his gaze away from the girl. “AJ? ARE YOU LISTENING TO A
WORD I’VE SAID?”

“I’m going to look for Brian,” I knew I pretty much said to no one in
particular since AJ was involved in looking at that girl.

“Yeah, okay, sure,” AJ mumbled as I stormed past him.

After walking into the men’s room and not finding a trace of Brian, I could
feel my heart beating faster out of sheer panic. “I knew this was a mistake,”
I kept mumbling over and over as I frantically scanned the bar crowd looking
for my best friend. He was no where to be seen. I quickly returned to the
booth, silently praying that Brian would be sitting down with AJ again, but
finding that my prayers weren’t answered when I saw AJ sitting with the
girl in the tight shorts.

“Shit, AJ he wasn’t anywhere.”

“Nicky, just sit down and wait, I’m sure he musta gotten involved in a
conversation, okay? Relax and drink, things will be fine,” AJ soothed.

Taking AJ’s advice, I sat down in the booth, but I kept my eyes scanning the
club, hoping I would spot him somewhere.

+Chapter Seventeen+
Trying to Blend In


Brian’s eyes darted back and forth, nervously. It had been months since he had
been in any type of crowd situation and at least a year since he disappeared
from the face of the earth after his illness was leaked out somewhat to the
media. Although the public knew he was sick, the nature of his illness was never
disclosed.

His heart quickly sank as two young women approached him as he tried to make
his way back to the table and to “safety.”

“Ahem, excuse me, but aren’t you Brian from Backstreet?”

Brian looked at the petite blonde, warily. She oddly reminded her of someone
familiar to him, but he was unable to place her. “Yes I am.”

She smiled coyly at him. “I kinda thought so. My name’s Steph, and this is my
friend Shelly.”

“Hi ladies,” Brian replied with a forced smile.

“Would you mind coming with us over to our table, my other two friends are huge
BSB fans and they would never forgive me if I didn’t have you come and meet
them,” Stephanie asked, twirling a strand of her blond hair around a finger,
nervously.

Brian looked past her shoulder, trying to see if he could see his table. “Oh, I
dunno, my friends would be looking for me--”

“Oh come on, you’d only be gone two seconds, five at the most,” Shelly pleaded.

Deciding that only a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, Brian followed the girls over to
their table in the club. After several minutes of exhanging pleasantries, Brian
decided it was time to head back to his table.

“It was nice talking to you, ladies, but I think my company might be worried that
I’ve been gone this long.”

“Thanks for meeting us, you have no idea how much that means to us,” the girls
chirped happily.

Brian walked away and started walking towards where he thought the table was
only to find that table filled with people he didn’t recognize. He scanned the bar
for something that looked familiar to him to get his bearings but couldn’t find
anything.

“Okay, I’ll just retrace my steps back from the bathroom,” Brian said to himself,
quietly. After a few minutes he found the bathroom, but that only by following
other people. He debated about standing by the doors, thinking that maybe he
would be found by his party when he got the sickening realization that he
couldn’t remember who he came to the club with.

The Exit sign caught his attention and he decided that maybe if he went outside,
he would remember what vehicle he came to this place in.
~*~*~*~*~
I kept softly drumming my fingers on the table, eyes scanning the bar for any
sign of Brian. AJ on the other hand was enjoying his conversation with the girl in
the tight shorts.

“Nick! Dude! You’re annoying us, knock it off with the drumming!” AJ glared.

“AJ, something’s wrong, he’s been gone for over twenty minutes, he was no
where to be seen in the bathroom and I’ve circled this damn club twice now!”

“Nicky, Nicky, I’m sure he’s fine, god you worry too damn much,” AJ replied as
he tossed back his drink, the third one since they’ve been there.

“Okay, do you want to explain to Greenville how we lost Brian when he comes
up missing in the morning?”

“Screw Greenville, judas Nick, loosen up, he’s probably found a girl and he’s
getting to know which I think is a good, theraputic thing for him to do, you should
try it sometime, or aren’t girls your thing?”

I tossed AJ the dirtiest look possible and reached into my wallet and threw a ten
down on the table for a tip. “I want the keys dumbass.”

AJ looked up at me over the top of his shades. “No way!”

“Listen McLean, we can’t keep dicking around. Brian’s lost and you don’t seem
to be too damned concerned at the moment. I am and I’m sorry, but I care, don’t
you think you should make an effort? I’m sure if the shoes were switched, Brian
would be tearing up the ends of the earth looking for your sorry ass.”

He looked over at his new love interest and softly chuckled. “The boy shows he
does have a spine.”

I had enough. I reached in and grabbed him by the silk shirt he was wearing and
literally threw him out from the booth. “Listen,” I started saying through gritted
teeth, “he’s your brother too, we have to find him.”

AJ pushed himself away from me and straightened his shirt. “Listen baby, I have
to go, Nick here seems to be a little testy tonight. I got your number, I’ll call,” he
told the young girl and planted a kiss on her cheek to seal his comments as he
left.

“Don’t sit by the phone,” I remarked as I followed AJ past her towards the doors.

+Chapter Eighteen+
Abandoned
~*~*~*~
The chilly night air was like a slap in Brian’s face as he left the security
of the night club. He scanned the parking lot, hoping he could spot the
car that he came in, but nothing looked familiar to him. He quickly
surmised that the guys had left without him and he was to fend for
himself and try to find way back to his house, completely forgetting
that he was no longer living at home. He decided his best bet would
be to start walking in the direction he felt his house was located. He
folded his arms across his chest for warmth and trudged down the
street.

A white house with black colored shutters kept popping into Brian’s
head. He was certain that this was his house and he tried to think of
the name of the street but could only come up with jumbled words that
made no sense. Suddenly, the word Richardson Avenue was on a
street sign and it was familiar to Brian. Without hesitation, he headed
down the unlit street, further out of the city limits.

After walking roughly a mile, the wind started to pick up and rain
suddenly poured down.

“Just great,” Brian mumbled to himself. Lightening flashed not too far
from where he was walking, triggering a newfound fear of storms.
Brian started shivering as he looked around for some type of shelter
from the storm. He spotted an open garage door with a car parked in
it. He debated about going to the dark garage, but the sudden clap of
thunder dismissed any reservations he had at that moment. The
house was dark so Brian decided it would be okay to just crawl into
the car and wait until the storm blew over.
~*~*~*~*~
I flung the heavy door exiting the club into the parking lot. I was silently
praying that I would find Brian sitting on the bench by the door, waiting
for us. To my disappointment, he was again no where to be seen.

“SHIT! AJ HE’S NOT HERE!”

“Nick, just calm down, I’m sure he didn’t go very far,” AJ remarked
casually as he unlocked the car doors.

I sighed, trying to count to ten before I completely lost it. “You’re not
getting it, are you?”

AJ only looked at me, blinking his eyes, evidently nothing was
registering.

“Give me the keys, I’m driving since you’ve already drank three
whiskey sours,” I insisted as I held my palm out.

Reluctantly, AJ handed the keys over and we traded places. I didn’t
waste anytime as I stuck the key in the ignition and started the engine.

“Where are you even gonna start looking Nick? You have no idea if he
caught a ride back,” AJ asked.

I shook my head. “Oh yeah, Brian’s gonna catch a ride back to
Greenville. Think about it AJ! God this was a stupid idea, I knew it was
wrong before we snuck him out. Why do I even listen to your ass?
Shit, we are in so much trouble!” I slammed the palms of my hands
against the steering wheel. I ran a hand through my hair as I was
thinking, trying to desperately make a bad situation go good.

“Well?”

I looked over at AJ, one part of me wanting to grab ahold of his shirt
and bitch slap him from here to kingdom come, the other part of me
trying to think past all the anger and rage I was feeling at the moment.
Taking a deep breath, I clicked the car into reverse. “He couldn’t have
walked too far, we drive down the strip.”

+Chapter Nineteen+
Temporary Shelter, New Friends
~*~*~*~*~
Ten year old Kayla Morris skipped happily out into her garage. She had been left with her
seventy-two year old grandmother for the month while her parents vacationed in Hawaii.
Her grandmother was still sleeping when she snuck out of the house. She wanted to play in
her playhouse but needed the dishes she had set aside in a box in the garage.

Walking past her parent’s white cadillac, Kayla’s breath caught when she saw what looked
like a body laying in the back seat.

“Ohmygosh!” she whispered quietly, dropping a dish that was in her hand. The shattering of
the plate on the concrete caused the person in the back of the car to stir.

Kayla backed quickly away from the broken glass towards the wall. Her heart was beating
quickly in her chest and she was afraid that the person would come after her and attack
her. Her fears quieted and then started up again when she saw the face belonging to the
person.

“Ohmygosh!”

Brian looked at the girl, puzzled. He was unsure of where he was and how he got there. His
memory was coming to him in flickers of faces and places, but nothing connected that
meant anything relevant to him at the moment.

“Sh-h-h-h, don’t be scared, I won’t hurt you,” Brian said in a soothing voice.

“Are... are.. you alright?” Kayla asked the person that was getting out of her parent’s car.
His clothes were wrinkled and his hair was a mess. His unshaven face added more of an
effect to the whole total sleeping-in-a-stranger’s car effect.

Brian rubbed the back of his neck, stiff from sleeping in an akward postion all night. “Yeah,
I think so.”

“My name’s Kayla Morris,” Kayla stated as she offered a tiny hand to Brian.

“Mine’s,” Brian stopped for a second to think of his name but nothing came to him.

“It’s Brian Littrell,” Kayla finished Brian’s sentence for him.

Brian couldn’t place the name, but he was glad that she at least knew who he was. Maybe
she could take him back home.

“I’ve got all your CD’s and my room is covered in posters, don’t get mad, they’re mainly of
Howie, but like you too,” the brown haired girl giggled.

‘Howie must have been the man that took me to that place last night,’ Brian thought to
himself.

“I bet you’re hungry, aren’t you? I can make you a bowl of cereal, but you’re gonna have to
eat it in my playhouse, Nanna don’t like strangers in the house,” Kayla smiled.

“I am a little bit hungry since you brought it up,” Brian agreed.

“Here, take my hand and I’ll take you out to the playhouse,” Kayla offered.

Without hesitating, Brian took the girl’s hand and followed her out of the garage towards
the back of the house. Sitting on the ground with landscaped bushes around it was a tiny
white playhouse with a dark green door and two windows with flowered curtians.

“I have to warn you, there’s a lot of posters of that Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake. It
was during my dark period,” Kayla sighed.

Brian managed a slight chuckle at the girl’s apology.

“Okay, you sit right here at the table and I’ll be back in a few minutes with your
breakfast,” Kayla stated as she softly closed the door. Brian watched her skip across the
green grass and then let herself into a sliding door into the house. Within a few minutes
she returned with a bowl brimming with Cheerios, some of it spilling over the sides as she
walked and a glass of orange juice.

“Here you go,” Kayla said as she proudly set the bowl and juice down in front of Brian. She
sat opposite of him and rested her head in her hands, watching him hungrily spoon the
cereal into his mouth. “Did I do okay?”

“Perfect,” Brian answered with a mouthful of cereal, milk dripping out of the corner of his
mouth.
~*~*~*~*~
“I don’t see why I have to go in here with you,” AJ sputtered as we stood at the door to
Greenville.

“Because, dumbass, number one, it was your half-baked idea to take Brian out. Number
two, you didn’t seem to want to watch him all the time we were at the club. Number three
you lost him---”

“I did not lose his ass, he lost himself,” AJ interrupted.

I threw my hands up in the air. “God, it’s like talking to a brick wall. I need to tell them
about Brian before I can place a police report to find him! Judas, do you ever think clearly
AJ?”

“Okay, okay, so after all this, we can go home?” AJ asked.

“Hell no we can’t go home, we still have to look for Brian,” I replied as I hit the buzzer to
the door.

“Well, I’m hungry and I need a shower,” AJ whined.

I grabbed AJ’s arm and dragged him into the nursing home. “And you don’t think Brian’s
hungry or needs a hot shower either?”

Swallowing hard, AJ and I approached the main desk. I hated to do this but it was
something that had to be done, morally and legally. “Yes, I need to see the
administrator to this place please.”

The woman behind the desk stared at us for a moment and then picked up a phone and
punched in a three digit number. “Yes, Donna? I have two men asking to speak with you. I
don’t know...... okay, I’ll send them down.”

I felt like I was going to throw up as we walked down the hall in the direction we were
sent. AJ was lagging so badly that I had to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure he
hadn’t turned around and ran back to the car.

“Hi, I’m Donna Anderson, and you are?”

I looked down at the short, gray haired woman with a reddish complection and a no
nonesence demeanor about her.

“Nick Carter and this is AJ McLean,” I stated quickly as I shook her hand.

The woman directed us to blue plastic chairs that were situated in front of the dark wood
desk that she sat behind.

“So, what brings you here to Greenville,” she asked, leaning forward in her chair.

“My friend Brian Littrell, we um, we sort of lost him last night,” I stated quietly.

“He died?”

“No... worse ma’am,” AJ replied.

God, I wanted to smack him in the back of the head for that remark. I stiffened up in my
seat. “No, we sorta lost him at a club that we snuck him out to last night.”

“Good lord,” the woman exclaimed. She reached into her desk and pulled out a ‘Lost
Person’s Report Sheet’. “Let’s start from when you picked him up, I need every detail.”

+Chapter Twenty+
Getting Acquainted
~*~*~*~*~
Kayla sat across Brian, watching him eat the bowl of cereal. She propped her head up with
her hands as she leaned on the tiny wooden table, noticing that he looked out of place on
the small chair set that came with the table.

“I heard on the radio that you have been sick,” Kayla stated quietly.

Setting the spoon gently back into the bowl, Brian stared at the little girl for a moment,
trying to collect his thoughts. He nodded slowly, but wasn’t certain what he was sick from
or why it would have been on the news for that matter.

“I guess so.”

“They said you could have died,” the girl said solemenly.

“What exactly did the news tell you I had?” Brian asked hesitantly.

“Well, um, they said something about lou something key and it made you really sick,” Kayla
replied after thinking for a few moments.

“Lou something key?”

“Yeah, that’s what they said but I dunno for sure.”

Brian racked his brain trying to put together what the girl was telling him. “It couldn’t
have been Leukemia, could it?”

“That’s it! That’s the one!” Kayla announced happily and then she suddenly realized she was
talking to the person that had the problem and quickly wiped the smile from her face. “I’m
sorry, yeah it was Leukemia, but they said you were better now.”

Again, Brian was left to wonder about it. If it was Leukemia, as she had said, why didn’t he
remember it and why couldn’t he remember something as simple as where he lived or what
happened last week or yesterday for that matter. Why couldn’t he remember something as
simple as his name either? Distressed, Brian sadly shook his head and stared down at the
floor.

“Why are you so sad? Do you miss your friend Nick?” Kayla asked.

Okay, Nick? Who was Nick? Brian thought to himself. He looked up at the posters that
were on the wall. She had said there were pictures of Nick and some guy named Justin.
Looking at the pictures, he couldn’t tell who was who. Images kept flashing in his mind, but
nothing that looked like either one of those people.

“I don’t feel so good,” Brian finally replied as he rubbed the side of his face.

“Are you tired?”

He nodded in reply.

“I have a sleeping bag in my room. I can go get it and a pillow so you can lay down. You can
take a nice long nap and I will come back and bring you lunch at noon, okay?”

Laying down and sleeping sounded good to Brian. He gladly accepted her offer and waited
patiently for her to return with her pink Barbie sleeping bag, some blankets and two
pillows. She made the bed up for him on the floor of the playhouse and insisted that he
take his shoes off and lay down. She drew the tiny drapes closed in the windows.

“There, you take a nice nap and I will come back and check on you later,” Kayla said as she
drew the blankets up towards Brian’s chin. She gently kissed him on the forehead and with
that, she quietly closed the door to the playhouse.

+Chapter Twenty-One+
Reinforcements
~*~*~*~*~

“YOU DID WHAT?!” Kevin’s voice boomed into the phone. I quickly pulled it away from my
ear and AJ’s eyes grew wide when he heard Kevin’s yelling.

“I.. I didn’t do it, it wasn’t my idea, it was AJ’s,” I defended, passing the blame back.

“I don’t care whose idea it was, the fact is that you two took Brian from a safe situation
and placed him into a risky and dangerous one, not a very smart move at all!”

“Well, AJ insisted that he come and Brian was okay when he left----”

“Brian can be okay for two minutes or two hours, you know that and I know that, there’s no
excuse for this at all Nick.”

“I’m sorry it happened. I don’t know what to say,” I grasped at words trying to express my
remorse for allowing this to get to this point.

“Excuses and apologies won’t bring Brian back,” Kevin spat.

“I know, I know.”

“So what have you done so far?”

“Well, um, after looking up and down the main strip for him for a few hours, we went to
Greenville and reported him missing and then we took the report over to the police station
and reported him as a missing person. They said that they would put an APB out since he is
considered as being not mentally stable,” I replied.

“Okay, with me being in California, I can’t walk out the front door and look for my cousin,
you need to keep pounding the pavement looking for him. I’m going to catch a flight in and I
will be there as soon as I can to help you guys look for him. Have you contacted Howie at
all?”

“No, not yet.”

“Then do it, get him to help you, the more people looking for him the better our odds. He
can’t be too far away, he probably found shelter in an abandoned building or something.
Maybe if his memory comes back to him, he’ll try and call someone, but until then, we know
he’s not thinking clearly,” Kevin surmised.

“Okay, bye.”

My voice was barely audible when I replied. As I hung the phone up, I felt sick to my
stomach. This was probably one of the worst situations I had ever found myself in and my
best friend’s life was being compromised from it.

+Chapter Twenty-Two+
Come Back to Me

~*~*~*~*~
“So, let me see if I understand this one now. You asked Brian to go out clubbing with you?”
Howie asked AJ, eyebrows raised in question.

“Yeah, you got it right,” AJ growled in reply.

“But we’re talking Brian here, B-rok, the guy that reads his Bible before he goes to bed at
night, Brian-mister-I-don’t-go-clubbin-Littrell, the holy-----”

“I GET YOUR POINT!” AJ snapped.

“Alright.... geesh, don’t blow a nut over it!”

I could vaguely hear arguing in the car as I walked up to it. “Good god, you guys are
freaks!”

“Nick, just get in the car and go,” AJ demanded, pulling a cigarette out of a freshly opened
pack of Salem’s.

“Okay,” I sighed, sticking the key into the ignition. “Any suggestions?”

Howie thought as he took a gulp from the cherry coke he was holding. “Okay, I think we
should start out from the club and then head north five blocks, then south five blocks and
so on and so on.”

“Like we didn’t do that before!” AJ sputtered.

“No, AJ listen to me! I think we should look for things that Brian may have recognized or
might have thought he recognized, understand?”

It sounded like a good idea. “Yeah, I get it, maybe something that looks like a place we’ve
been to?”

“Exactly, a place we’ve been to or words, phrases or a name,” Howie suggested.

“I don’t see where we’re gonna find his ass,” AJ replied.

“Well we gotta look AJ, do you want to face Kevin when we can’t find Brian?” I glared at
his face. Dammit, I hated those freakin sunglasses he wore, you could never tell if his eyes
were open or if he was looking at you when you talked to him.

Instead of words, AJ put his hand up and then gestured towards the windshield. I decided
that was his cue to just drive, which I did gladly. Anything to stop the arguing.
~*~*~*~
“Brian?” Kayla said softly as she walked into the playhouse. She found him still asleep on
the floor, laying ontop of the sleeping bag, arms sprawled out to the sides. Quietly, she
knelt down next to him and gently tapped him on the shoulder. “Brian?”

Brian’s reply was a soft moan followed by him turning his back away from Kayla. “Nick,
leave me alone!” he mumbled.

“No, I’m not Nick, I’m Kayla.”

He opened his eyes and stared briefly at the posters that were adorning the wall, in front
of his face. It was a picture of Justin Timberlake. A sudden chill went down his spine and
he quickly turned back towards the direction of the tiny voice.

“Who... who are you?”

Kayla giggled. “You are silly.”

Brian thought for a moment. The last thing he remembered was going to a club with Nick
and AJ and then needing to use the restroom. After that, his memory was pretty much
fogged out. He sat up quickly, tossing the blankets around. “Oh crap.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I need to find that place I was at last ni.... wait, how long have I been here?”

“I dunno, I found you sleeping in the backseat of my parent’s car last night,” Kayla replied.

Brian searched his memory trying to think of a date that he went out with AJ and Nick. He
drew a blank. “Honey, are your parent’s home?”

Kayla shook her head. “I told you they were on vacation and my Grandma is staying with
me. She is in the house. She would be mad at me if she knew I had you in my playhouse.”

Brian raked a hand through his hair. “Well, I guess I’m going to have to try and find my
way back to my friends.”

“I can go with you, maybe I can help you find them,” Kayla offered.

Brian thought about that for a minute. In a way it would be a good thing to have the little
girl accompany him in case his mind spaced out again but in another way she was obviously
young and he felt that it might put her in trouble with her Grandmother.

“Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea sweetie,” Brian stated with a sigh.

“No, it’s okay, I will tell her I’m going over to Lizzie’s house, stay right here,” Kayla
insisted with a stern look on her face.

A few minutes later and the girl returned holding a small paper bag.

“I brought you a new toothbrush and some toothpaste and some soap and a towel. There’s a
McDonald’s down the street and you could use their bathroom to brush your teeth,” Kayla
happily announced.

Brian sheepishly took the paper bag from the girl. “Thanks, let’s get going so you won’t be
away from home for very long.”

ALTERED STATES - CHAPTER 24 Okay, I had to admit I was feeling alot better once Brian kinda set my mind at ease but once I walked back to the private waiting room off the ICU, I was met by Kevin and things went from good to bad to worse in a split second. He grabbed me by the shirt and pinned me against the wall.

"JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?" Kevin hissed, his face directly in front of me.

"I... I don’t know," my voice squeaked.

Kevin didn’t let up on the barrage of questions. "Nick, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind and you took it upon yourself to take him out to a goddamned club and then you proceed in not only losing him for a day and a half but you try and kill him with your car!"

I gave up on resisting him, he was right, I tried to kill my best friend and at this moment I felt that he was my only friend in the world.

"KEV, LEAVE NICK.... LET GO OF HIM!" AJ yelled as he entered the waiting room and immediately tried to pull Kevin’s grasp from me. Footsteps squeaking out in the hall was soon met up with faces of hospital security.

"Shit," Kevin mumbled as he let go of my shirt. "There’s no problem here, we’re sorry it got so loud, we’ll close the door," he stated to the security men in a calm voice.

I caught AJ rolling his eyes behind Kevin as he listened to him post a fake appology to the men. I slumped back against the wall trying to smooth the wrinkles out of my tee shirt.

"Any more outbursts and you will all have to leave the hospital, this is a section of the hospital that doesn’t need this type of commotion," the older of the two guards scolded.

"Yessir, we totally understand," Kevin apologized.

With that excuse made, the men left with Kevin softly shutting the door behind them. I could feel my body tense up when he turned and cast an icy stare at me with those green eyes. AJ immediately stepped between Kevin and me.

"Kevin, Nick’s going through hell right now and this isn’t the time or the place to start this shit so I would suggest you sit down and chill."

"And what if I don’t?"

"Don’t even tempt me," AJ rasped.

In a switch of roles, Kevin was now listening to AJ’s advice and took a seat directly across from mine, his eyes fixed on me, never letting up his stare. Normally I would have stared back at him, but I felt so guilty about Brian, I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

The room was so quiet I swear I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Suddenly, Kevin started crying, sending chills through my body.

"I’m sorry Nick, I - I just don’t.... I’m scared, I’m sorry," he rambled.

"It’s okay Kev, don’t worry about me," I replied quietly. "Howie should be coming back in a minute and then you probably can go to Brian," I added after a moment of silence.

"I just feel so responsible for all of you guys and especially for Brian and it’s just that everything that could go wrong has," Kevin said in a low, pain filled voice.

"I know," I answered, the tears running down my face mirroring AJ’s and his.

Altered States - Chapter Twenty-Five “I’ve got some terriffic news to report regarding Brian’s progress with his cancer,” Dr. Loenstein announced as he laid a blue folder down on his desk.

Howie, AJ and Kevin waited for the doctor to continue, literally holding their breaths.

“Brian’s cancer is in complete remission and I have good reason to believe that he will be coming out of this with his mental status intact.”

“Layman’s terms doc,” AJ requested.

Dr. Loenstein chuckled at AJ’s remark. “Basically what I’m telling you is that Brian will be Brian again, no amnesia, his short term memory has been affected from the chemo, there’s nothing that will ever change that, but Brian won’t be drifting off into total unawareness. Is that more clearer to you?”

“Crystal,” AJ replied.

“So he’s well enough to go now and actually go back to his own life and not back to Greenville?” Howie questioned.

“Yes, he can go back to his home, not to the nursing facility,” the doctor stated, smiling.

Kevin sighed a huge sigh of relief. He stood up and pumped the doctor’s hand vigorously. “God, thank you so much Dr. Loenstein!”

Altered States - Chapter 26 I took a long drag off the cigarette before I spoke. Letting it out slowly, I gathered my thoughts, trying to pick the best choice of words. No matter what I would say, I knew the doctor would see through me.

“Nick? I did you hear me?” Dr. Blake asked peering at my face over his gold wire rimmed glasses.

“Yeah, I heard you, I.. I just don’t know how to say what I want to say,” I replied.

“We are working closer to closure, you understand that, don’t you?”

I nodded as I squashed the cigarette out into the ashtray. I neeed more time for analysis. Brian was better, why wasn’t I? I desperately wanted closure on this too, but something was holding me back. Something kept gnawing at me.

“Nick, I’m thinking about having you admitted for a few days to work this out,” the doctor finally stated after I hadn’t spoken for a few minutes.

“God, no, anything but a mental hospital!” I argued.

“You’re not getting through this and to be quite honest with you, I am questioning your mental stability on this issue.”

I know my mouth dropped open. My body felt like rubber. “Are.. are you saying I’m crazy?”

“No, no, you’re not crazy and we never use that term---”

“I don’t care what term you use, you think I’m a freakin nutcase!”

“Nick, calm down please. This is what I’m proposing to you, just listen and hear me out,” the doctor stated in a calm voice.

I gripped the armrests, waiting for the sentence he seemed to be wanting to give me. I slowly nodded. “Okay, tell me.”

“I would like to place you under my care inpatient. That way I can use some various drug therapies and some hypnotherapies to help crack the obsticle that is keeping you from blaming yourself about Brian’s illness and the accident.”

“And what if I don’t agree to this?”

“Your parents are backing me on this,” the doctor replied.

“They can’t do a damn thing about this, I’m over twenty-one, I’m an adult,” I spat.

“Nick, either you sign yourself in or I will be forced to take the necessary steps to delcare your incompetence. Please you really don’t want that do you? Just sign the papers and we will make sure that it will be released to the press that you are being treated for something that will be acceptable.”

I was forced into a corner. I couldn’t believe that my family would betray me like this. God, I had been going to therapy every day because they wanted me to, now they think I’m crazy? The only thing that made me stop and think this through was Brian. He had been through so much with his health and I’m being a stubborn ass and not getting all the help I needed.

I took a deep breath in before I spoke. “Okay, where’s the paper I have to sign?”

The doctor conveniently had a paper attached to a black acrylic clipboard on his desk. There was a big red X beside the line I was to sign at. “Here.”

Altered States - Chapter 27 I stared out the window of my dad’s car as he drove me to Cortez Community Health Hospital. Although I signed the papers to have me admitted as a patient there, I still couldn’t get past the feeling that I had made some type of mistake. This seemed embarrassing to me, I mean, I wasn’t suicidal, at least I didn’t think I demonstated that I had those tendancies.

“Hey Nick, Aaron wanted me to give you something, it’s in the glovebox, red package.”

I glanced over at my dad as I reached for the glovebox. I knew I was putting my family through hell with the way I was acting since Brian’s accident, I felt horrible about it. When I opened the compartment, a small, red box was waiting for me. Without hesitation, I tore the paper off the package. It was a cassette tape with my first name written in Aaron’s handwriting on the front. “What’s this?”

“Aaron wanted you to have this, I don’t know what’s on it, I didn’t press him, but I’m sure it’s something special,” my father assured me.

I slipped the cassette into my jacket pocket, brushing the pack of cigarettes. I hesitated for a moment, touching the lighter. I really could have smoked at that moment to relieve the tension I was feeling, but I couldn’t bring myself up to letting my dad down with smoking.

My heart caught in my throat as the car rounded the corner and a tall, stone wall with steel gates came into view. I nervously swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat as I read the words: CORTEZ COMMUNITY HEALTH HOSPITAL. This was it, the “crazy house”, I was scared to death. I about jumped ten feet in the air when my father touched my shoulder and began to speak.

“Nick, it’s going to be okay. This was a good decision on your part, you are taking the right steps to getting better. You know that your mother and I are supporting you one hundred percent as well as your sisters and brother.”

I blinked the tears back, praying silently that they wouldn’t fall. I didn’t want to be labeled a wuss, I needed to take this like a man - a man that was scared shitless and wanted to run far and fast from this place. The only thing that was stopping me from doing that at that particular moment was that the car was still moving.

Dad pulled up under the black canopy and insisted on taking my carryon bag to the door, against my protests. He quickly pushed the button on the tiny gray box that was mounted next to the windowed doors.

“Yes?” a female voice cracked across the intercom system.

“Nickolas Carter is here for admission,” came my father’s reply. I simply hung my head. I felt humiliated.

A sharp humming noise followed by a click, indicated that the door was opened for our entrance. Once we had stepped inside, the door seemed to have slammed shut, I took that as a silent ’you belong to us now - do not escape’. As we entered the lobby, we were immediately greeted by a woman, who appeared to be in her late forties, dark hair pulled back away from her face and a soft manner in the way she carried herself.

“Hi, Nickolas? My name is Alberta Watson,” she stated as she offered her hand out for me to shake.

“Nick,” I corrected as best as I could with mumbling. “Hi.”

“Okay, hi Nick, and you must be his father I take it?”

I glanced around the lobby and the woman not missing a beat, immediately addressed it.

“Relax Nick, it’s not like what you see in movies and on television,” Alberta soothed.

I smiled at her slightly. This was all too weird for me. “Well, um, I was kinda expecting something different I guess.”

“We have a special ward for those types of patients, they’re isolated from the rest of the area, you don’t have to worry about that,” the woman smiled. She nervously cleared her throat and then smoothed her skirt. “Well, if you say your goodbyes to your father, we will get you situated and settled into a room.”

“I... I was hoping he could stay with me for a little longer,” I stammered. God, I really didn’t want him to leave me at all. As much as I hated to admit it, I was scared.

“Nick, I’m sorry but those are the rules. We have specific visiting hours and your family has already received the literature on that, am I right?” Alberta glanced towards my dad for acknowledgement.

Without hesitation, my dad quickly hugged me, holding me in his arms for a few moments. “Nick, it’s going to get better, just take this one day at a time, okay?”

One day at a time, that was always Brian’s motto on life.

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you too, son. We will talk to you tomorrow.”

Before he left, my father did the most amazing thing, something that I hadn’t gotten from him in over eight years. He wiped the tears from my cheeks and he kissed my forehead and hugged me again.

“Goodbye Nicky.”

Okay, the tears in his eyes did it to me. I lost it before he even left the hospital. The soft touch of Alberta wrapping an arm around my waist as she led me towards a hallway, seemed to calm me down a little.

“It’s going to be okay Nick. Don’t worry.”

Altered States - Chapter Twenty-Eight

Alberta led me down a brightly lit hallway. I kept trying to push back the urge to turn and try to run. I was beginning to think that this whole inpatient thing was unnecessary - a waste of time for everyone.

Every room in the hall had heavy brown painted doors, each with a small glass window with mesh wire encased in each of them. I didn’t care to look into any of the windows as we walked past the doors, I wasn’t sure of what I would see and I was afraid of what I would find. Next to the doors were the letter/number system that they seemed to use. A-1, A-2 and so on. I figured each wing must have a different letter before the numbers.

“Let’s go in here, sweetie,” Alberta cooed, taking a mothering ton of voice when she addressed me.

I followed her as I was told. She sized me up and then walked over towards a shelf lined with hospital scrubs in assorted colors. She handed me what looked like a week’s worth of teal colored scrubs and a pair of black flip flop sandals.

“Nick, I want you to go into the dressing room to your left and change into a pair of scrubs, remove your street shoes and put the sandals on.”

I hesitantly took the clothing from her and did as I was told, taking my clothes off and putting them into a large white bag alone with my shoes. She was waiting for me when I came back out and took the bag and placed a long piece of masking tape across it with my name as a label.

“There, this will go into a locker along with the bag you mistakenly brought along with you until you are ready to be released,” Alberta stated in business-like manner.

“There’s things in that bag I need,” I protested as I watched her slide my belongings into a locker.

“Nick, there isn’t anything you need while you’re here, everything will be provided for you,” Alberta said as she clicked the door shut and spun the dial on the paddlelock.

We walked a short distance from that room, stopping at room number A-28. Alberta removed her key ring and unlocked the door. Holding the door open, she encouraged me to enter my room.

“It’s okay sweetie, this is your room, go ahead and make yourself comfortable.”

My first look at the room revealed something to me that was odd. There was absolutely no metal or glass in the room. The bed frame was molded plastic, the dresser was plastic and a chair was also plastic.

“I’m not suicidal,” I stated in a defiant tone.

“I know dear, it’s just hospital policy,” Alberta reassured me. “Go ahead and relax, supper will be in two hours and then we will be having group therapy an hour after dinner ends and then bedtime. Someone will be down to get you when it’s suppertime.”

I watched as she turned to leave the room, as she left, she pulled the door shut and then I realized the situation wasn’t the greatest when she locked me in my room. I was officially imprisioned. I had no choice but to stay.

Altered States - Chapter 29

~*~*~*~*~*~

I picked at the dinner which consisted of some type of hash, peaches and a glass of milk. I swear this was more like food that would be served in a prison. I pretty much assumed I was in a prison.

I looked over the sea of faces that were in the cafeteria. There were some very young faces and some that were up there in the years. So much for Cortez being a youth society, I surmized. Then, out of the corner of the room, I saw someone that looked familiar to me. Although I could only see his back, I could have sworn it was Brian, but what would Brian be doing in a nuthouse? I decided then and there I had to go look this person in the face. I needed reassurance that he wasn’t here too.

“Nickolas, where do you think you’re going? You are to only be in this section of the cafeteria!”

I stopped in my tracks hearing the voice with the thick German accent. How the heck did this person know my name? I never laid eyes on him before. I glanced down at the badge that was pinned to my scrubs. Shit.. yep there it was in color - my “mug shot” taken hours ago and my name “NICKOLAS” in bold black capital letters.

“I, um, well I need to see someone,” I pled my case to the huge mass of flesh with a badge that read - “WERNER, SECURITY”.

Werner only shook his head as he gestured back to the seat I had vacated. I hung my head when I saw the gesture. I quickly looked back over towards where this guy had been, making a mental note on the color of the scrubs he had been wearing since it seemed that the colors we wore indicated the section we were staying in. He was wearing a deep blue color. I had to find out not only what that meant, but where he was staying.

As I sat back down into my seat, the guy next to me was very intent on finishing up every last crumb of his food on the metal tray. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“Better eat up buddy, there’s no snacks in this place and breakfast will be a long time away.”

I shoved my untouched tray over towards the kid. I needed to take off some weight, I guessed that this would be a good time to do it. “You can have mine, I’m not into hash.”

“Gee thanks, but you’re gonna be sorry later on tonight,” he replied as he stacked my tray ontop of his finished one. I glanced over at his badge, the name read “PETER.” I smirked thinking stupid thoughts about the name I had just read.

“So... um, Peter? How long have you been here?”

“God, I think it’s been a little over two years,” Peter replied, between bites of hash.

“Wow, that’s a long time. I’m only going to be here a few days---”

“That’s what they got you believing?” he asked incrediously.

“That’s what’s going to happen,” I defended. There was no way in hell I was going to be staying past the alotted time we agreed upon. “Anyway, I noticed that the scrubs they have us in are in different colors. Like yours and mine are teal and we all have to sit together and I’m assuming go to therapy together?”

Peter nodded, pushing the thick rimmed glasses up his nose. “Yep, you got that right.”

“So, do you know what the teal ones are for?”

“Ours?”

“No Bob Jones down the hall, yeah ours,” I spat back with a sarcastic tone. I think I scared him a little because he sort of backed away when I replied.

“Touchy? Jeeze.”

“I’m sorry, my nerves are kinda fried, I mean I need a cigarette and I get a little antzy. So, anyways, what does our color mean?”

“Teal is for psychiatric.”

Okay, I guess that would be acceptable. Before I could ask him anything else, he droned on with all the information.

“Yellow is for depression, green is for drug abuse, white is for schizophrenics...”

“What about blue?” I interrupted, I didn’t really care about any of the other colors but the blue ones.

“Blue is for alcohol abuse,” Peter stated in a matter-of-fact, monotoned voice.

“Alcohol abuse?” I wondered outloud. Okay, no way could that have been Brian. He would never drink. The rest of us, yeah, sure thing, but Brian? No way.

A bell rang and everyone stood up.

“Where do we go now?”

“Group,” Peter grunted as he shoved his chair into the table.

“But I don’t know where to go,” I replied as I followed him out of the cafeteria.

Peter motioned with his hand. “Just follow me, all the teals go to the same room.”

As much as I tried, I just couldn't place myself in the therapy session, my mind was elsewhere. I pride myself in being able to focus when asked a question while my head is some place else thanks to years of boring interviews, so as far as I knew, the therapist never noticed the difference.

My mind was back in the cafeteria. I had that urgent need to find that guy in the blue scrubs that resembled Brian. It was becoming an obsession and every minute that ticked away in that sesson, was stealing precious time from me.

"Hey, we can go now," Peter announced as he pushed down on my left shoulder.

My head shot up, "Go where?"

"Back to our rooms or you can go down to the rec room for an hour before they tell us to go to bed."

I looked at the clock on the wall. "Bed in an hour? It's only 8 o'clock!"

Peter pushed his glasses up. "Rules Nickolas, those are the rules."

As we walked down the hall I told Peter I was going to go to the rec room. "Hey, do they let the other people mix in there?"

"You mean teals with blues?"

"Yeah, unless they're totally psycho or something. Why? You scared of someone?"

I didn't bother to say anything, I just shook my head. Inwardly, I was relieved when Peter announced that he was heading to his room to read. I didn't want him hanging by me if I saw that guy again.

There was an assortment of colored scrubs milling around in the recreational room. A group of people in blue scrubs were sitting on the couch, watching an animal documentary on the tv. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that person sitting on the couch and the seat next to him was vacant. Without hesitating, I folded my arms over my chest, almost like it was going to give me the courage I needed, and approached the vacant seat.

I was going over 'ice breakers' to say something to this guy. I briefly licked my lips before I plunged into a conversation.

"Is this chair taken?" Okay, I admit, that wasn't the most clever line I could have used, hell, maybe that's why I've been single so much, but at any rate, all I got out of the guy was a grumble and a shrug of the shoulders.

"My name's Nick, what are you watching?"

The guy never took the time to look at my face, he mumbled something that sounded like the word 'Wild Kingdom.'

"What did you say your name was again?"

"I didn't."

Finally, he said something other than mumbling to me.

"You look like someone I know," I started to strike up a conversation again. The man only shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something to the effect that millions of people look like someone else. Finally, I got my reward and he looked at my face, his eyes a familiar haunting blue....

My mouth dropped open when I came face to face with this person. They always say you have a twin somewhere, either I was looking right at Brian Littrell, or this guy was a dead ringer for him. I quickly stole a glance at his id badge, curious to place a name for this look-a-like.

"Why the hell are you so damned insistant on what my name is?" the guy hissed at me. He pulled it away from his shirt. "Look, see! Satisfied?"

He practically shoved the badge in my face, he obviously a little pissed off at me. There it was, in bold letters: ALEX

I smirked at the irony of the name, but I was also relieved to not see BRIAN pasted on the laminated badge.

"You're an ass," Alex declared as he stood up and walked past me.

"Thanks, been told that before," I retorted as I watched him walk out of the room. I was still amazed at how much he looked like Brian, but I was even more amazed that his mannerisms mimmicked AJ's.

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you, you have a visitor!"

"Huh?" I replied as I looked past the nurse at the clock on the wall.

"I know it's late, but I think due to the circumstances, they are overlooking the time and allowing the visit. Follow me, I'll take you to the visitation room."

I could barely keep up with the nurse that was leading me down the hall towards the visitation room. She acted excited over something.

“I’ve never confessed this to a soul, but I’m a huge fan of you guys, I always have been,” the woman gushed.

I looked at her back, perplexed. This was too damn weird hearing this from a woman old enough to be my mom. I glanced over my shoulder praying that someone was following us. Millions of thoughts - all of them not good thoughts - sprung into my paranoid brain. Things like: is it possible for a guy to be raped by a woman, what if she forces herself on me, and why were they out of sliced peaches when I was next in line at lunch. I was disappointed to see that the hallway was dark and empty, it was me and psycho nurse.

“Here we go!”

I froze in my tracks as she gestured to the open double doors to the room. I stared at he for a moment, wondering what her intentions were. Her only response was gesturing with her head for me to enter the room.

I walked around her at an obvious distance, thinking “defensive driving” thoughts: if she comes at me, turn around and run; aim to the right shoulder. I looked into the room and my mouth instantly dropped.

“Nick.....oh god, Nick.”

Blinking twice, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I rubbed them, trying to focus on the form standing in the middle of the room, smiling at me, arms outstretched.

“Nick?”

“Bri?”

The person rushed up to me and enveloped my body in a tight hug. Memories flooded my mind and filled my heart as we held each other, neither one of us saying a word. The feelings of security came to me as I felt the familiarity of Brian’s hug, the smell of his clothes, even the lop sided grin he gave me when we pulled apart.

“How come you’re here?” I asked quitely.

“Because I knew you needed me, come over and sit down with me,” Brian replied as he walked towards the couch that was situated against a wall.

I stared at the rug, not certain if I could control the tears that I knew were threatening to fall.

“Nick? Come and sit down,” Brian calmly requested.

Dammit, the tears were starting to slip down my face, god why was I so weak? I quickly wiped them away with the heel of my palm.

After I sat down, Brian’s eyes locked onto mine and he didn’t say anything to me at first, he just held his gaze on my face, it was like a battle of wills, neither one wanting to look away from the other.

Finally, Brian sighed softly. “I know why you’re here and I know that for some reason you’ve felt guilty about me getting sick.”

I looked away from my best friend and stood up to walk over to the picture window. Something inside of me stopped me from walking over there and I sat back down again. “I.. I don’t know why, but I.. I felt guilty about my feelings.”

“Guilty? Nick why would you feel guilty, this is something that you couldn’t stop,” Brian replied. “It was an accident, you didn’t mean to hit me with your car--”

“No, it wasn’t about the car accident, although I do feel guilty about almost killing you, Kevin made sure of that, but it’s just, oh I dunno..”

My voice trailed off as it waivered, the strength losing towards the end of the sentence and my voice squeaked out at that point.

“Aww, Nick. It’s about the cancer?”

I couldn’t speak, I just shook my head up and down.

“Nicky, that is something neither one of us could control, ever. Not you, not Kevin no one. I don’t know why you would be feeling guilty about the cancer.”

Brian was more effective in this counselling than any of those doctors with the phd’s ever were. He was cracking into why I was feeling the way I was, it was as if a light got switched on in my brain.

I sucked a deep breath in before I spoke my thoughts outloud.

“I think I felt like you were abandoning me, and I started to hate myself with the feelings I was feeling. I was being so damned self centered and I couldn’t control it. I was losing my best friend and I was feeling like you were leaving me intentionally.”

“Oh Nick, you know I would never, ever do that to you. You aren’t self centered.”

“Yes I was. I was mad at you. You promised me when BSB started up that you would always be there for me, no matter what you would always be around and then when you got the cancer, I freaked out and I guess I didn’t handle it very well and I’m sorry.”

Brian wrapped his arms around me. “Nick, you have nothing to feel sorry for. That is a natural human emotion. I was dealing with anger myself, I was angry at God. I now realize that this was all a test, and I think we’ve passed it.”

I pulled away from him and looked at his red rimmed eyes. “How have we passed this?”

“Well, we’re still here aren’t we? And we’re still breathing, right?”

I nodded slightly, unsure what direction Brian was heading with this.

“And I’ve been declared in remission, so I think I’ve got this cancer beat for now,” Brian smiled.

“Remission?”

“I guess you could say that the cancer is sleeping. It’s still hanging around inside my body, but who knows, it may never come back again, we have to pray that it stays asleep.”

I watched as Brian slowly stood up. He looked a little thinner, but his face still glowed, a slight trace of a bruise on his cheek had faded to a slight yellow coloring.

“So how are you, I mean, are you tired all the time? Sick?”

“Oh, I still tire easily, but that is getting better each day. The chemo effected my memory so I still can’t be left alone, I forget stupid little things like leaving the water running in the sink and a burner on the stove or a door open, but each day is getting better, I think,” Brian listed and then broke into a broad grin. “How would I know since I keep forgetting things? I look at it this way Nick, the glass is half full and every day is a new opportunity to build lasting friendships and relationships with the people you love. My short term memory is gone, so heck, every day is a new day for me. The docs promise that it can improve and I’m counting on it.”

God, how could anyone ever look at the things that were handed down to him unfairly and shine through it all? Brian was an example of someone that’s perfect. No one could ever change my mind. It was made up.

“Follow me, I’m gonna check myself out of this nuthouse,” I declared.

“Um, is that such a good idea, you’ve only been here one day,” Brian protested quietly.

“Yeah, but all it took was you Brian, you helped me through this,” I replied with a hug. “Thank god for you!”

Brian smiled. “Okay, that’s probably the closest I’ve ever heard you get towards God. This is something I can work on next.”

I grinned as I messed up Brian’s hair. “You keep thinking that thought, my short friend.”

One big happy family.

I guess that's the best way I can describe the two years since Brian got sick and nearly died. I used to take little things in life for granted but watching Brian and how he handles and copes with the things in his life made me realize that every minute of every day is a gift.

Brian's short term memory has improved to the point where he is near 100%. He will never be 100% but he's definately not like he was a year and a half ago.

The cancer is still "sleeping" as Brian likes to term it. I would be freaking out knowing there was something still inside my body that could take it's hold on me and turn my life around in an instant. I guess that's why I realized life is too short for pettiness. Brian could be gone from me tomorrow.

Okay, I'm NEVER, EVER thinking that thought again.

He will be around. He has to be the best man at my wedding. He has to be the one who will watch my bratty kids when I have them.

I think Brian's taken on the biggest challenge of his life. What's that you ask? You're probably thinking day to day living with a life threatening disease. Nope, not even close. Brian is trying to teach me about God, prayer and that stuff he calls scripture. I'm still not very clear on that, but with Brian, I'm sure he will crack my empty shell of a brain and fill it with something good for a change instead of Spider Man comics.

I love Brian. He is my best friend and my brother. We will be together forever, no matter what life throws at us. We've survived his altered mental state when the cancer was taking over, Brian's a survivor. Hell, we're all survivors.