I let myself into the apartment I shared with my best friend and dumped the bags I was carrying on the floor. I had just gotten home from my job where I worked at a grocery store. It was a nice job to have while I made my way through college. It was dark so I flipped on the light. To my great shock everything was clean in the small living room. Kyung must have cleaned it before going to class because when I left this morning it was a pit. I went straight to my computer and turned it on. I’d let it boot up while I put my groceries away and made some popcorn. I was anxious to check my e-mail and see who was on aol instant messenger.

A few months back I met Nick Carter online and since then we had become good friends. We usually talked several times a week depending on what was going on in our lives. We talked easily about pretty much anything and had confided in each other about a lot of things. He had e-mailed me this morning and said their tour bus would be passing through Oklahoma City which was very close to the little town I went to college in. When I wrote him back I had told Nick I would be on at about 5:00pm. It was now ten minutes after. I grabbed my popcorn and Parmesan in the refrigerator. Then I proceed to dump a small mountain of Parmesan all over it. Nick was one of the few I knew that also ate his popcorn the same way. Recently we had gotten Chrissy on that too. I met her online inadvertently through Nick about a month after I met him. We talked everyday and had also become very good friends.

My computer was finally done booting up so I connected it to the internet. I went to instant messenger first and paused a minute before selecting one of my screen names. I had too many to choose from. Finally I chose one of my newer ones: Sooner Girl. That is what a person was called that went to my college. A Sooner. I signed on and a moment later my buddy list popped up.

Nick was on, among a few other people. I was disappointed to see that Chrissy wasn’t on. She usually was at this time. Neither was my other friend Heidi, but I knew she had a class right now. I thought Krisha might be on, but I knew that she would be on that night. That is usually when we talked. I imed Nick and went to check my e-mail while I waited for him to reply.

Tidal Wave: Hi.

Sooner Girl: Hey, new name?

Tidal Wave: Yeah.

Sooner Girl: What’s up? Are you in OKC?

Tidal Wave: I guess so. I don’t know.

A little warning light went off in my head. There was something wrong. He was acting weird.

Sooner Girl: Is everything okay?

Tidal Wave: No.

Sooner Girl: What’s going on?

Tidal Wave: Don’t worry about it.

Sooner Girl: You know I do. What’s wrong? Where are you? On the bus?

Tidal Wave: Yes I am on the bus.

Sooner Girl: Are you by yourself?

Tidal Wave: Enough with the questions!

My eyes widened. Something was definitely wrong. I wasn’t trying to pry, but I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I knew he didn’t like 20 questions so I shouldn’t have gone there. He was worrying me.

Sooner Girl: I’m sorry. You don’t have to snap at me. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You know I’m always here.

He didn’t reply for a minute and I sat there anxiously. Just when I was about to ask him if he was there, he said something.

Tidal Wave: I can’t take this anymore.

My heart skipped a beat. What did he mean?

Sooner Girl: Nick?

Tidal Wave: I don’t want to live anymore.

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. This wasn’t happening.

Sooner Girl: Please don’t say that.

Tidal Wave: It’s true.

Sooner Girl: You’re scaring me!!

Tidal Wave: I am holding a handful of pills.

Sooner Girl: Please don’t! Nick, don’t do this! Please!

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. Trust me, it will be better this way.

My anger flared. How dare he?! Did he have any idea what he just said? How did this happen? I just talked to him yesterday and everything was okay. What brought this on all of a sudden? What happened?

Sooner Girl: Bullshit Nick! How would it be better to kill yourself? Do you know what that is going to do to everyone?! Please get Brian.

Tidal Wave: It’s too late, Lizz. This needs to end. If I am gone, then I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

My eyes filled with tears. I had to stop this. I never felt so helpless in my life. If I couldn’t stop him then I would blame myself for the rest of my life. Didn’t he realize how much he has to live for? How much of an impact he has made on so many people’s lives? How many people look up to him and cherish him? How couldn’t he know? In the short time that I knew him he had already touched my heart and become a close friend. I couldn’t lose that.

Sooner girl: You are going to hurt people by leaving. Do you know what is going to happen if you are gone?

Tidal Wave: It will be better for everyone else.

Sooner Girl: NO!! How can you say that Nick? Don’t you realize how special you are?

Tidal Wave: No. Sure, people will be upset for a little while, but they will get over it.

My mind was racing. I couldn’t type as fast as the thoughts were flowing through my head. I knew I was in a race against time. At any moment he could swallow those pills and then it would be all over. I wanted to type “BRIAN” in big bold letters as if to scream his name. It wouldn’t do any good and the thought was irrational. It wasn’t like we were on the phone and I could scream loud enough to where Brian could here me halfway on the other side of the bus. The helpless feeling was killing me. There was nothing I could do except keep talking to him and try to talk him out of taking the pills.

Sooner Girl: No, they won’t. You don’t get over something like that. It stays with you for the rest of your life. Trust me.

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to cause anyone anymore pain.

All of the sudden a screen flashed stating he was signed off.

“Oh my god, oh my god. Nick...” I moaned. My breath caught in my throat and I was unable to move. He was gone. I sat there frozen to the spot when another screen flashed back on.

Tidal Wave: I’m leaving now.

I thought he had gone just then and it scared me to death. I was all shook up now.

Sooner Girl: Nick you can’t. Please, for the love of God, don’t do this. Please!!I'm beggingyou!!!!

I was losing and I knew it. Panic was threatening to take a hold of me. I couldn’t do anything. He didn’t respond. I frantically typed whatever came to mind.

Sooner Girl: Your parents, Nick. Don’t make them go through that.

Tidal Wave: No more struggling with their messed up kid.

Sooner Girl: What about Brian? What will he do without his best friend? His little brother? It would tear him apart.

Tidal Wave: Have some peace at last.

Now it began to sink in. It didn’t matter what I said. He was in a state of mind that wouldn’t listen to reason. It was like throwing myself against a brick wall that absolutely wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t reach where he was right now.

Sooner Girl: Nick don’t do this to me. I really can’t take losing another friend. I have lost too many. Don’t make me lose another. I can’t do it.

Tidal Wave: Yes you can. Lizz, you are strong.

I choked back a sob.

Sooner Girl: No! A person can only take so much before they can’t handle it anymore. You can only lose so many people that are dear to your heart before it consumes you.

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry Lizz. I’m so sorry I hurt you and everyone else. Please forgive me for that. Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.

Something deep inside me snapped. All rational thought was suddenly gone from my mind. The tears were flowing freely now and the only thing that I could focus on now was stopping this. No matter the cost.

I reached my hand slowly across my desk to the small brown bottle that was barely within reach. It was called Albuterol and it was used in aerosol treatments for opening up the lungs. Only a tiny bit at a time was used. High doses were lethal. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding as I numbly began typing to Nick.

Sooner Girl: You go, I go.

A pause...

Tidal Wave: What?!

Sooner Girl: You go, I go.

Tidal Wave: What the hell does that mean?

I was numb still. I almost felt like I was in shock. I was no longer in control of the words that found themselves on the screen. My words.

Sooner Girl: I am holding a bottle of Albuterol, Nick. If you swallow the pills, I will drink the bottle. All of it. You know what it would do to me. My heart would beat over 200 times a minute and then stop.

Tidal Wave: LIZZ NO!!!

Sooner Girl: I will Nick.

Tidal Wave: No you won’t! I need to do this. You aren’t going to.

Sooner Girl: Ddammit Nick!! Are you listening to me?! If you swallow those pills, I will drink this bottle.

Tidal Wave: You won’t. Please. Live for me.

There was a pause. It felt like years passed, but in reality it was only a few seconds. I couldn’t move. Part of me was going insane inside. Another part of me was dead calm. It was an eerie feeling.

Tidal Wave: I took them. I’m sorry.

I began to shake again. I unscrewed the lid and set it down on the table. My thoughts weren’t rational anymore. I lifted the tiny brown bottle and drank the contents down. The bottle fell from my hands and surprisingly broke on the floor. I barely noticed.

Sooner Girl: You went, I went.

Tidal Wave: No...you didn’t. God, please say you didn’t.

Sooner Girl: I’m sorry Nick.

Tidal Wave: oh god Lizz. No! You can’t. I’ll throw the pills up. Please don’t do it!!!!!!

I started shaking again although now the cause was different. My heart beat grew rapid. I reached for the keyboard and had a hard time hitting the right keys.

Sooner Girl: Uit’s too larte Nick. I alreatdy drankl it.

Tidal Wave: I’m calling Brian!!! He's just a few feet away from me.

I started to get dizzy. Everything seemed to be moving, but I knew it wasn’t. I was shaking so bad I could barely type. I knew I didn’t have much time.

Tidal Wave: Lizz, this is Brian. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol?

Sooner Girl: Yes. Hda to dstop Nick.

Tidal Wave: Lizz, you need to call 911. Can you do that for me?

I was starting to have a hard time staying conscious. My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. It started to hurt and I whimpered.

Sooner Girl: Can’t get tot he phone. Cant move. Nick.

Tidal Wave: He is going to be fine. He threw them up. Lizz, I am going to call 911 for you. What is your address?

I concentrated really hard and finally started typing what I hoped was my address.

Pause.

Tidal Wave: Okay, I called them. Stay with me okay? Lizz, stay with me.

The beating of my heart grew faster and harder. Everything was spinning at an unbelievable rate. I was going to die. It was a miracle that I stayed typing.

Sooner Girl: I’m so sorrty. Please fogrive me/ Ididt want to huet anyoen.

Tidal Wave: You saved his life. We’ll talk about that later. Right now you need to stay awake until the paramedics get there. Okay?! STAY WITH ME!

The bold letters got my attention and I fought the sleepiness that was threatening to overcome me. I was shaking and I had broken out into a sweat. My heart pounded and the pain was becoming unbearable. My breathing was in short gasps. I typed very slowly to make sure it was right.

Sooner Girl: Tell all those dear to my heart that I love them. And I love you guys too. Don’t let Nicky die. I’m sorry I let you down. I did what I had to do. I have been living on grace and it is time. I’m sorry.

My vision disappeared and I wasn’t aware of anything around me. My heart sounded like it was beating in my ears. It was too fast. It hurt too bad. Yet, somewhere, in the depths of my soul I knew that Nick was going to be okay. That was my last thought before everything went black. Unbeknown st to me, the screen kept flashing with frantic messages.

Tidal Wave: Lizz, you didn’t let anyone down. Don’t talk like that. You will be fine. Nick will be fine. You saved him. Help is on the way. Just stay with me until then.

Tidal Wave: Lizz? Come on. Say something. Hit some keys so I know you are still with us.

Tidal Wave: Lizz?!!

Tidal Wave: Come on Lizz!!! Lizz!!!

Tidal Wave: LIZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

I blew it, I was selfish and I blew it and now this girl was probably dead because of me.

I watched as he typed a final message to her screen name. Brian put his cell phone number and his pager number along with a message for whoever read this to call and let them know how Lizz was.

Then Brian sighed and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. "Why Nick? Why did you take those pills?"

"I guess I wasn't thinking," I lied.

Brian's head shot up. "BULLSHIT NICK! You had a reason and an intention and I want to know why you did this!"

I cringed when Brian swore. He rarely cursed unless something really angered him. I was the obvious subject of his anger.

"I dunno, I guess I just let too many people down. Everyone wants something from me. I try to be good and make friends and stuff but it just never works out," I rambled, desperately trying to find some words that hopefully would make sense to Brian and that he would accept my answer.

"Let too many people down?" Brian questioned. "Who Nick? Why would you think that?"

I gestured at the computer.

"You know how I was online trying to kill time during this ride?" I started out, looking past Brian and out the window at the scenery that was passing by.

”Yes, go on," Brian encouraged.

"Well, it started out okay, but then someone figured out who I was and then suddenly I got accused of being a poser when I told them that I couldn't get them backstage passes and concert tickets for a show."

There, I confessed to Brian. I watched him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. He sat there for the longest time, not speaking, just thinking. He finally started shaking his head slowly.

"Nick, why do you go online? You get this every time you go online. Is it worth taking your life over the fact that you can't please everyone and that they call you a poser? Think of your parents or your brother and sisters for that matter. Think of me or your fans. We would die if you did anything to hurt yourself.," Brian stated in a hushed whisper.

I shrugged my shoulders. How could I answer his question. I just felt miserable and now I felt totally rotten because of what happened with Lizz. Tears started spilling down onto my cheeks and I angrily wiped them away.

Brian wrapped his arms around me and held me, I finally allowed the overwhelming emotions to surface.

I started to grow tired, effects from some of the pills that didn't come up when I threw up.

"Brian, I want to go to my bunk and lay down, okay?"

Brian looked into my eyes. "Are you alright Nick?"

I knew he was suspicious. He was going to be my shadow for the next couple of days whether I liked it or not, until he was certain that I was in a better frame of mind. He would have everything locked up and he would be watching me constantly. It was my own fault, I deserved it. I knew this was coming, Brian and I had been down this road before.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I'm just a little tired," I replied.

I made my way down the narrow aisle towards the bunks. AJ and Howie were laying in theirs, so I tried to be as quiet as possible as I laid back against the pillows and closed my eyes, being lulled to sleep by the vibration of the engine of the bus.

There was too much noise. All around me there was an unbelievable level of noise. It made my head hurt. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. Instead I tried to say something. All that came out though, was a quiet moan.

“Lizz? Can you hear me?” I heard a voice somewhere off in the distance. I didn’t recognize it.

I moaned again, a little louder this time. Something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel good. Well, that was an understatement. My whole body hurt and I couldn’t think right. Everything seemed too hazy, like I was in a fog.

“Lizz, can you open your eyes for me? Lizz?” The unfamiliar voice grew even further away. The blackness that had previously taken me away, came back.

I don’t know how long I faded in and out of consciousness like that. When I finally woke up all the way, the first sensation that came to me was the noise. It was a steady beep. The second sensation that hit me was the pain. It was the same pain that I felt when I barely woke up the first time. I decided to try and open my eyes again.

“Lizz!” Came a hushed voice. Kyung was sitting in a chair beside my bed. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she was smiling now.

“Wha’ ‘appen?” I whispered. I was shocked at how weak my voice sounded.

“You don’t remember?” Kyung asked quietly.

I tried to shake my head, but that hurt something fierce so I mouthed “no,” instead.

“Lizz, you are in the hospital. In ICU. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol.” She told me, her voice shaking.

My head swam. I did what?! I swallowed a bottle...Oh my god!Everything hit all at once. The conversation with Nick, the pills, the helpless feeling, picking up the bottle of Albuterol, trying to type my good-byes. “Nick!” I tried to cry out.

She ignored what I had said. “Lizz, why would you do that? Why did you try to kill yourself?” She was trying to hold back tears.

I weakly gestured for her to come closer. “I had to stop Nick. He was going to kill himself and I couldn’t seem to get through to him. Out of sheer desperation I told him I would drink the Albuterol if he took the pills. I guess he didn’t believe me or he didn’t care. I don’t know. But I drank it. I don’t know why. I don’t remember much of anything after that, except saying good-bye.” It was hard to get all that out considering my weakened state, but I was determined.

Kyung just stared at me. Finally the tears that she was holding back came spilling down her cheeks. “Lizz, I can’t believe you did that. How could I have lived without my best friend. Lizz, I almost lost you. You almost died.”

I started crying too. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I just had to do something. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

She put her arms around me and hugged me. “Please don’t ever do something like that again. I couldn’t handle it if I lost you.”

We stayed like that for a few minutes. Finally we broke apart and she sat back down.

“K, I feel like a truck ran over me. Why do I hurt so much? What happened? How did they find me?” I groaned as the pain seemed to wash over me in waves.

“I don’t know how they found you. Did you call 911?” She asked.

“I don’t think so. I don’t remember. The only thing I remember after drinking the stuff, was typing out my good-byes. I don’t know why I remember that.” I explained.

“I was on duty when they brought you in. You had just started breathing again, but you stopped as soon as they brought you in. They wouldn’t let me work on you, for obvious reasons. They gave you epinephrine to get your heart going again in the ambulance. They also had to intubate you.” She told me. She was an intern here in the hospital. She mostly worked in cardiac cases.

My eyes widened. “Shouldn’t I be on a ventilator or something?” For some reason it seemed weird that I wasn’t.

Her eyebrows furrowed. “That is the weird thing. By some miracle of God, once they got you breathing again your heart was strong enough to keep your lungs functioning so that you didn’t need to be put on one. I don’t think I have heard of that happening before. You baffled everyone.”

That shocked me to say the least. “So I’m going to be okay? Then why do I hurt so much. Every part of me hurts.”

“Lizz, first you took a drug that sped up your heart beat to an unbelievable rate. Then your heart stopped and therefore no blood was being pumped through you. When they shot you full of epinephrine everything started functioning in overdrive again. It is a miracle that you are still alive.” Kyung told me as she shook her head. The look on her face was one of sheer wonderment.

“Whoa...” I thought a minute. “Kyung, I need you to help me. Will you send an e-mail to Nick? I have to tell him that I am going to be okay.”

“Wait, didn’t you say that he swallowed a handful of pills?” Kyung asked.

“Yeah, but...” I tried to remember the conversation. I remembered something else. “Brian got on. He said Nick threw them back up. That means he would be okay.”

Kyung shook her head. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. If he didn’t get them all up he could be in trouble.”

I frowned. I knew that he had done this before, but she didn’t know that. I chose my words carefully. “But not everyone ends up this bad if they did this. He’s probably okay right?” I searched her face for a reassurance. “Lizz, a lot of it depends on what he took. And how big of a handful. Some meds would kill him if he took 5 and some wouldn’t if he took 10. It depends.” “But Brian said he was okay.” I argued. “Besides they would try to avoid the hospital at all costs. You know, the media an stuff.”

“Yeah, but if it were really serious, then they wouldn’t have a choice. What might have happened after that? He could be fine and then suddenly pass out. Or he could get really sleepy and then not wake up. Or when what he took started to get into his system it could have a bad reaction. Do you know what he took? Is he on any other meds that it could react with?” She gazed at me intently.

I paused. “I don’t know...” I said finally. “Damn.” I swore. “Something can’t happen. He has to be okay.” I said in frustration.

“Well what about you?!” Kyung cried. “You need to worry about yourself and getting yourself better.”

I sighed. “I know, I know. Will you check and sure he isn’t here?” I whispered. The pain was starting to get worse. It was centered around my stomach area. It coursed through my back and whole midsection.

“Why would he be here?!” Questioned Kyung. “I thought he lived in Florida.”

“They’re on tour right now. Right when I was talking to him he should have been passing through Oklahoma City. He was so close to us. That’s what kills me. He was so close, yet, I still couldn’t do anything.” A lump formed in my throat. “Even if something happened, he isn’t necessarily here. Depends on how close he was to the city.”

“Okay, I’ll find out for you. Be right back.” She left and I was alone with my thoughts. That pain in my stomach was becoming borderline unbearable, but I pushed it away. At the present, finding out if Nick was okay. I wanted to believe more than anything was okay, but Kyung’s words, made me worry.

She came back five minutes later. “He hasn’t been in yet and I called around and no high-profile patients have come in and no one matching his description has come in either.” She relayed.

I smiled tightly. “Thank God.”

“Lizz, just don’t get your hopes too far up yet until we know.” She warned.

“Will you try to get a hold of him on instant messenger? His name is Tidal Wave.” I asked.

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you want me to talk to him.” She said darkly.

I recognized that look in her eyes. “K, please. Don’t blame him. It was my own decision.” I pleaded.

She started to say something, but changed her mind. “Okay.” She said finally. “What do you want me to say?”

I didn’t answer. The pain was shooting now and I couldn’t even think past it. I gasped.

“What?!” Kyung exclaimed, her face full of alarm.

“My stomach...hurts...on fire...” I managed to gasp out before I started to drift into unconsciousness. I faintly heard the machines I was attached to start beeping shrilly. I heard Kyung yelling too. Then all was silent.

I opened my eyes to see Brian hovering over me, a smile on his face.

"Hey buddy, we’re here," Brian said as he shook my shoulder.

Slowly I sat up, hoping the pounding inside of my head would go away. I knew that this headache would develop into one of those dumb migraines that I would get when I screwed around with my medications.

"Are you okay Nick?" Brian asked, a concerned look on his face.

"Yeah," I whispered. It hurt to talk, hell, it hurt to breathe, but I wasn't going to tell Brian that. He always made a big deal over nothing.

"You sure?"

God how I hated that! I brushed past him grabbing my duffel bag, slinging it over my shoulder. As a wave of dizziness caused me to fall against the row of seats on the bus, I managed to straighten myself up quickly before Brian or anyone else saw that happen.

Michael, one of our managers, stood off to the side of the hotel entrance, clipboard in his hands. I stopped and got my room assignment and the card. Once I got inside the room, I dropped my duffel bag and lay out across the bed.

I started thinking about Lizz and wondering how she was. I thought about calling the hospitals in Oklahoma City to see if she was there, but I knew that they wouldn't give me any patient information. It was my fault and I wouldn't rest until I found out how she was.

A knock on the hotel door took my thoughts about Lizz away for the moment. When I went to stand up, a pain in my back took my breath away and caused me to sit back down quickly onto the bed. I took a deep breath in and stood up to go to the door. I knew I was staggering towards the door, but I blamed it on the headache.

“Took you long enough,” Brian mumbled as he carried his bag, my bag and a laptop computer into the room.

“Yes it did,” I replied slowly, gathering the words like it was a major speech. I must have been doing something I shouldn’t have because Brian was staring at me like I had green skin or something. The last thing I heard was Brian yelling my name and then it went dark.

Kyung paced the hall furiously. Almost as soon as Lizz had gone unconscious, the tiny room became packed with people. She was ushered out of the room, much to her protesting. She was too emotional, they said. Kyung knew they were right, but that didn’t make her feel any better. She wanted to help her best friend. She had stood outside the room and watched helplessly as they worked on her best friend. The next thing she knew Lizz was being wheeled to the OR. No one would tell her anything.

So, now she was in the OR waiting room cursing herself. She wasn’t sure why, but she continued anyway. Her shift was supposed to last until 7pm. Lizz was brought into the emergency room just before 6pm and Kyung’s supervisor had let her off early to go be with Lizz. It was now after 8pm and Lizz had been in surgery for about 20 minutes.

Everything seemed to be happening too fast. Yet, now that Lizz was in surgery, everything was moving too slow. Kyung thought about Lizz’s request for her to try to find out if Nick was okay. She didn’t want to leave the OR, but she knew that it would be awhile before Lizz would be out. She walked down the hall to one of the tech stations and asked to borrow a computer with internet access. She was directed into a corner with a laptop on the desk.

The computer didn’t have aol instant messenger so she had to use the Quick Buddy. She signed on her name and entered Tidal Wave in the information box. A message blinked to tell her that the user was not signed on. A flash of anger rippled through her.

“You’d think he’d be on here to try to see if she is okay. What an...” She stopped herself. That wasn’t fair. If something had happened to him, of course he wouldn’t be on. She still couldn’t squash the feelings of blame towards him even though Lizz insisted it was her own fault. More than anything Kyung was just being a protective friend and the thought of losing Lizz was too much to consider. She sighed and shut down the screen. She thanked the tech that let her use the computer and headed back towards the waiting room. She waited for another hour before someone came out to address her.

“Elizabeth Hulford?”

Kyung rushed over to the man in green scrubs that had just emerged through the double doors. “How is she?!”

The man frowned. “Her kidneys shut down due to the overdose. We tried to repair them, but there was already some scar tissue.”

Kyung’s eyes widened. “I remember her telling me that when she was younger she got a little bit of damage from one of the medications she was on.”

The doctor nodded. “Whenever there is a trauma to the body like with what happened with Elizabeth, it is common for a major organ to shut down. Since her kidneys were weaker than normal, those would be the most likely to shut down.” He explained.

“That makes sense. Were you able to repair them?” Kyung asked anxiously.

“No. Between the scar tissue and what her body just went through, it was impossible. She is going to need dialysis until she can receive a transplant.” He frowned again. “Of course, she may not want a transplant. If she had no desire to live...”

Kyung bristled. “She didn’t want to die. She...” She stopped, not knowing how to finish what she was wanting to say. Of course she couldn’t tell this man what had happened. Then the realization of Lizz needing a transplant sank in. Her eyes filled with tears. “When can I see her?” She whispered.

“Someone will come get you when she is out of recovery.” He told her. With that he turned around and went through the double doors.

“Obviously he didn’t learn the importance of having a good bedside manor.”

Kyung muttered under her breath. She sank back onto the hard couch and let the tears flow. A few minutes later her pager beeped at her.

She went back to the tech station and called the number. It was Laura. She worked with Kyung and was also an intern.

“Kyung! You’ll never believe what I found out!” Her voice sounded excited.

Kyung groaned. What could there possibly be to get excited about? “What?”

“I just talked to one of the paramedics that went to pick up your friend! You won’t believe this!”

A little warning light went off in Kyung’s head. “Go on.” She said uneasily.

“Okay, well he said that they found her on the floor next to a computer and the screen was flashing messages. He hit print thinking it would give a clue to what had happened. He didn’t type anything back, but took the papers with him. He told me that she was having a conversation with someone named Nick and then someone named Brian got on. He said that the Nick person said he was on a bus and was passing through the city! You know who I think it is?!” Laura could barely contain her excitement.

Kyung groaned inwardly. “Who?”

“I think it is the Backstreet Boys. I know they are on tour right now and it was Nickand Brian! Kyung, the paramedic said the Nick guy was going to kill himself!” She sounded upset when she said the last part.

Shit. “Laura, come on. Why would Lizz be talking to the Backstreet Boys? Isn’t that a little farfetched?” Kyung hoped she sounded convincing. “I bet it’s them.” Laura insisted stubbornly.

“Um, Laura, have you said this to anyone else?” Kyung asked carefully.

“No, you’re the first person I have told.” She replied.

“Good. Don’t say anything to anyone else about this okay? Promise me.” Kyung said urgently.

“Okay. Why not?” Laura sounded skeptical.

“Please just trust me. Oh, and do you remember the paramedic’s name?” Kyung asked. She had to talk to him as soon as she could. If this got out it could be bad.

“I don’t know, but I can find out.” Laura offered.

“Thanks. I’m going to let you go, I have to make some calls.” Kyung was getting anxious.

“Okay, but wait! I almost forgot to tell you. Guess what else?! About Nick...he’s...”

"Nick?!" Brian yelled out as soon as he saw Nick's eyes roll back into his head and him fall to the floor, striking his head on the dresser.

Brian rolled his friend over and immediately felt faint when he saw the blood running down the side of Nick's face from where he hit the dresser. He noticed that Nick's lips were turning blue. Brian pressed his ear to Nick's nose and mouth and discovered he had stopped breathing.

"Shit," Brian shouted as he jumped up and grabbed the phone and dialed zero for the hotel operator. It seemed to take forever to Brian for the operator to answer the phone. When she finally did, Brian skipped the pleasantries and fired into his request.

"Brian Littrell...room number...shit, I don't know...we need an ambulance, he's not breathing!"

There must have been panic in Brian's voice because he could detect the panic relfected in the operator's. All she said was okay and cut him off.

Brian threw the receiver down and went back to Nick. He once again pressed his ear to Nick's mouth and was frustrated to discover that he was still not breathing. Desperately trying to remember what he had learned when he was a cub scout, Brian tilted Nick's head back and started mouth to mouth.

In what seemed like hours but was actually only six minutes, there was a knock on the door with a voice announcing that they were EMT's. Brian jumped up and flung the door open. He stood off to the side and watched the paramedics quickly work on Nick.

Brian watched in shock when he heard a paramedic shout out, "He's coding!" He knew that meant that Nick's heart wasn't beating.

One paramedic quickly straddled Nick's body and initiated CPR. The other paramedic was getting the shock paddles ready and was also on the phone with the emergency room. When the word was given, the paramedic doing the CPR got off Nick and squatted back as the paddles were applied to Nick's bare chest and the shock was activated.

Brian watched and waited, as did the paramedics to see if Nick's heart responded. The green line finally sprung to life and Nick's heart started back up again.

"Okay, what exactly happened?" the dark haired paramedic asked Brian.

"He was standing here talking to me and then his voice got funny sounding and then his eyes rolled back and he fell and hit his head on the dresser," Brian recounted the events for the paramedic.

The paramedic wrote what Brian was relating quickly on a pad of paper.

"Is he on any meds or does he take anything on a regular basis?"

Brian hated to relay any personal information about Nick to the EMT's, but he knew that it was vital information.

"Yes, um, well he takes Seldane for allergies and Ativan for some occasional anxiety problems," Brian replied. He noticed that when he said the words occasional anxiety problems that the EMT paused with his writing.

"Anything else?" the paramedic asked.

Now Brian realized that he had to say something to them. Nick's heart stopped and he quit breathing, it had to be from the meds he took earlier.

"Yeah, he took an accidental overdose a few hours ago," Brian lied. It wasn't accidental, but they didn't need to know that, he reasoned.

Both paramedics looked at Brian. "What did he take and do you remember what time he did this at?"

"I think it was around 3 this afternoon, but I'm not really sure what he took," Brian replied.

"Well, we'll have to have him give us that info through labs then," a paramedic replied.

The paramedics worked together on placing Nick on the cot and then covering his body up with a white blanket and strapping him down.

"Is it okay if I go with you guys, I could probably fill the doctor in on Nick and stuff," Brian asked quietly.

The paramedics acknowledged Brian's request and Brian followed them out the door and down the hall, passing Howie and AJ on the way by.

"No time to explain, I'll call you when I can," Brian remarked as he walked past Howie and AJ.

Once again Kyung sat in the Intensive Care room waiting for her best friend to wake up. Lizz had gotten out of surgery nearly a half an hour ago. Now she was on a respirator. The doctor had told Kyung that it was common after a major surgery like that for the patient to be on one. As soon as Lizz woke up and felt a little stronger, they could take it out. It still upset Kyung to see Lizz that way.

She knew that as soon as Lizz would wake up and be coherent, she would try to ask Kyung what she found out about Nick. Kyung wasn’t sure how to handle that one without upsetting her. Laura’s words rang in her ears. “About Nick...he’s being brought to a hospital! It just got called in.

“Here?! How do you know it was Nick?”

“The description they said matched his and they said it was high profile. And I don’t know what ER ended up taking the call. It’s a pretty far range so who knows. I didn’t hear.”

Kyung still hadn’t found out what hospital Nick was taken too. She didn’t want to leave Lizz’s side in case she woke up. Instead, Kyung kept a silent vigil by Lizz’s bed.

Another half hour went by before she began to stir. Kyung stood up and hovered over her. A moment later Lizz’s eyes fluttered.

“Lizzie? Hey, are you finally going to wake up now?” Kyung said in a soft voice.

Her eyes shifted around the room and a flicker of fear passed through them.

Kyung saw it. “You have a tube down your throat so you can breathe. When you get a little stronger, they will let you have it out. Maybe tomorrow morning.”

Lizz’s eyes shifted again and she looked back at Kyung questioningly. They had always been able to finish each other’s sentences and know what the other was thinking and now that came in quite handy.

“It’s a quarter to 10.” Kyung answered.

Lizz looked agitated like she wanted to say something. Kyung was hoping she wasn’t going to ask about Nick and thought that maybe since she had just woken up and seemed a little out of it, that maybe the thought wouldn’t cross her mind.

“Hold on, let me get you a pad of paper and you can try to write what you want to say okay?” Kyung offered.

Lizz nodded ever so slightly.

Kyung left and returned a moment later with a large notebook and a fat marker. It would be easier to write that way. She positioned it so Lizz could write on it easily. Then she put the marker in her hand.

Very slowly, Lizz scribbled “r u ok?”

It looked like a child’s handwriting, but Kyung was still able to read it. A knot formed itself in her throat. She shouldn’t be worried about anyone else, but herself at the moment.

“I’m fine. Don’t you be worrying about me, you punk. You need to worry about getting yourself better!” Kyung chastised. She smiled when she said it though.

Lizz attempted a small smile.

Kyung was relieved that that was her question, but then Lizz gestured for the notebook again. Kyung put it in front of her and Lizz began to write again.

This time it merely read “Nick?” in that same childish handwriting. Lizz’s eyes searched Kyung for the answer that Kyung didn’t know how to give.

Brian stared at Nick’s face as he laid on the cot in the emergency room. He was hooked up to all sorts of monitors and had different IV bags hanging from the pole. They told Brian they still weren’t sure what caused Nick to pass out like he did at the hotel. The only thing they were certain of was that he had a concussion from the fall when Nick hit his head. The labs from Nick’s blood would hopefully tell them at least what he took, the levels could tell them a little about how much he took.

The smell first clued me in to where I was at. It was that sickly antiseptic smell that only a hospital would have. God, how I hated that smell! It made me sick and I’ve been in the ER’s often enough with migraines to know the smell.

Slowly, I opened my eyes to see where exactly I was at. The white tiled walls immediately told me I was stuck in some god forsaken emergency room.

“Nick! Thank god you’re awake!” Brian said with a big grin on his face.

I managed to smile at him. I wanted to ask him how come I landed here when he promised me that we would never go to an emergency room because of the publicity it could generate. The headache I had stopped me from speaking.

Brian’s grin was immediately replaced with a look of concern. “Nick, you passed out at the hotel. What exactly did you take?”

I tried to think back to what I had done earlier. I remember grabbing some brown bottles and dumping the contents on the counter. It was a mixture of my meds and Brian’s meds. Pain killers.... heart meds....aspirin, basically everything but the kitchen sink.

“I’m not sure.” My voice was so quiet; I had a hard time hearing myself.

Brian was still looking at me with that concerned face. When he took his hand to pinch off the tears that were in his eyes, I felt awful. As I was starting to get oriented I remembered I was online when I took the meds. Suddenly it hit me like a slap in the face.

“Lizz!” I managed to shout.

“I haven’t heard,” Brian mumbled, his head was still down.

“Where are we?” I squeaked.

“Oklahoma,” Brian replied, sighing.

“City?”

Brian nodded. He pulled the covers up across my chest. “Nick, you need to quiet down and rest.”

“I need to know,” I protested. I didn’t finish the sentence. If something happened to Lizz I would just will myself to die, there was no point living with her death on my shoulders.

“I’ll find out later,” Brian replied.

I reached out from under the covers and grabbed Brian’s arm and squeezed it as tightly as I could. His eyes locked on mine. “Please!”

“I’ll try Nick,” Brian said quietly.

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I grabbed at the tube they had put in my nose and tried to pull it out. Brian grabbed my hands and held them down.

“Nick, leave it in, it’s draining your stomach, you evidentially didn’t throw up all those meds you took,” Brian reprimanded.

I must have started to look weird to Brian because his face got this funny look on it.

“Nick? Hang in there, what’s wrong? NICK!”

I searched Kyung’s face for answers. She looked very uncomfortable when I managed to scrawl “Nick” on the piece of paper. Something was wrong. I could tell. She averted her eyes from mine.

I want to talk so bad, but the blasted tube down my throat prevented me. I wanted to rip it out, but the mere thought of that made me cringe. I knew I didn’t have the strength at the present moment, not to mention it would probably kill me. Although, I wasn’t sure I cared at the moment.

“Lizz, I’m...uh...” Kyung started.

I still held the marker so I struggled to write, “TELL ME.” She looked at the paper, then at me. It looked like she was trying to figure out what to say.

“I don’t really know. Something happened, but I don’t know what.” She finally said. She let out a long sigh. “You remember Laura? One of the other interns? She said that a guy that matched Nick’s description was radioed in. EMSA said the patient was high profile. Laura didn’t find out which hospital and she wasn’t sure where they were calling from.”

My eyes grew wide and filled with tears. My frustration grew because I couldn’t do anything, but lie in this damn bed. I struggled to write more. “Find out where.”

Kyung sighed again. “Don't get yourself all worked up! That isn’t going to help anything. You are going to make yourself worse.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks. I wrote some more. “Don’t care. My fault.”

Kyung glared at me now. “What is your fault?!” She demanded. I think she felt as frustrated as I did, but for different reasons. She was watching her best friend lie in a hospital bed, attached to several machines including a respirator, and I was not helping the situation by getting all upset. I couldn’t help myself though.

I wrote some more. “Suppose to help. He dies my fault. Didn’t do my job.”

Kyung shook her head. “Lizz! No!You can’t control what people do. You can’t stop someone from doing something if that is what they want to do. You tried to help. You did the best you could. You can’t blame yourself! That is ridiculous!”

Her words might have made sense. I would never believe them though. In my heart, if he died, I would blame myself for not being able to help him.

At that moment Kyung’s pager went off. She glanced at me and then at her page. “It’s Laura.” She said quietly. “I’m going to go call her and I will be right back okay?”

I nodded, cursing the fact that they didn’t put phones in ICU rooms. She came back a few moments later, her face a few shades paler.

“He’s here. They just brought him in. I don’t know how Laura found out because I bet they are keeping this as tightly sealed as possible.” She told me in a hushed voice.

I gestured for her to let me write again. She held it up and I scribbled “is he ok?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t know anything else.” Kyung replied. She frowned. This was not a good thing. One paramedic knew about what had really happened and she guessed the whoever else was there did too. Somehow Laura had found out and who knew who else. Somewhere floating around was the conversation printed out. If that got out it could be really bad. “Lizz, there is something else.” Kyung started. She hated saying anything that might upset Lizz further, but Lizz had to know. “One of the paramedics printed out the conversation you had with Nick. Somehow Laura knows about it.”

I felt the color drain from my face. I started to scribble again. “Find him please.”

Kyung nodded.

Just then the overhead system came to life. “Code Blue! Dr. Phelps to the ER STAT. Dr. Phelps to the ER.”

Oh god. Oh god.

Kyung looked at me quickly. “Lizz, you don’t know...” But she stopped, the fear in her face betraying her words.

I started to shake. I tried to fight the respirator. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

“Lizz. Lizz, relax! Let the machine breathe for you. Lizz, calm down. Shit!” Kyung’s face was over mine and I could see her trying to stay calm. She reached for the call button and pushed it. “Come on Lizz. You need to relax. You are going to hyperventilate!”

I didn’t even here what she was saying. I didn’t notice the people that had just flooded my room. I didn’t even notice my own pain. All I really could tell was that I couldn’t breathe. It was my fault. My fault. And then once again the merciful darkness took me away again.

Brian stood off to the corner of the ER, watching people wearing hospital scrubs move about the room quickly. Each had their own jobs to do, places they were assigned when a code was called.

A nurse gently touched Brian’s shoulder. “I think it would be best if you come with me.”

Brian reluctantly walked where the nurse led him, his eyes looking back towards Nick’s room until he could no longer see it. The nurse led him down a hallway to a small room that had a few chairs, a dark coffee table and boxes of tissues on each end table.

“This is a private waiting room. I will come back once they have him stabilized. If you need anything, my name is Patty, just ask for me at the front desk.”

With that, she softly closed the door to the small room. Brian, feeling clausterphobic, got up and opened the door and then took a seat, leaning forward and cradling his head in his hands thinking and praying.

The minutes dragged as Brian waited for the nurse to return with some news about Nick. Seeing the telephone sitting on the table, Brian debated on whether or not to call Kevin and decided that they were probably just as anxious and as worried as he was.

Brian sighed as he fished out his hotel room card. Luckily, the number was printed on the back of the card so he could. When the hotel operator answered, Brian quickly asked for “Kevin Reynold’s room.”

“Yeah?” Kevin answered abruptly.

“Kev, it’s me, Brian.”

Kevin immediately pounded Brian with questions. “What the hell happened? How is he? What did he do? Where the hell are you?”

“Kevin, slow it down, calm down,” Brian tried to quiet Kevin. “Some hospital in Okalahoma City. Nick took some pills on the bus, a mixture of them, we don’t know what for sure he took or how much.”

“He tried to kill himself?” Kevin asked, his voice rising.

“Calm down, Kev.”

Brian listened and waited for Kevin to settle down before he began again. “At this point I’m not sure what’s going on yet. Nick was upset over something that happened this afternoon when he was online and with that, plus his breakup, he just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

“He’s gonna be alright though, right? I mean, Nick will pull through,” Kevin asked with a hopeful voice.

Sighing, Brian raked a hand through his hair. “I dunno, Kev, at this point I dunno.” Brian could feel his emotions coming out of check. “ I will call you when I know something definite,” Brian added quickly.

Hanging up the phone, Brian sank back into his seat. When he heard the distinctive sound of rubber on the linoleum floors he looked up, expecting to see Patty in the doorway. The girl in the hospital scrubs wasn’t her.

Kyung stood nervously in the narrow doorway. Suddenly she wasn’t sure what to say. Brian stared at her expectantly. For a moment she was at a loss for words. She had never seen him in person and she never had expected to either. Especially in this state. He looked awful. Much like she did, she supposed. That big grin that she had always seen in pictures was nowhere to be found. His eyes were red from crying and he hair was all disheveled.

“Um, I’m Kyung. Lizz’s friend.” She said hesitantly.

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh wow. She’s here?” He said softly. He stood and shook her hand. Then he gestured to one of the other chairs in the room and she sat down. Kyung smiled tightly at the shocked look on his face. She was probably the last person he expected to see. “How is he?” She asked.

“They are getting him stabilized. How’s Lizz?” Brian countered.

“Scared the crap outta me again. She had just woken up when they called the code. She sort of freaked and ended up passing out. They got her stabilized, but she isn’t awake either.” Kyung replied.

Brian raked his hand through his hair again, making it even more messed up. “Is she going to be okay?”

Kyung looked at the floor and tried to will the tears away. “I don’t know.” She whispered. “Her kidneys shut down. They can’t fix them.”

“Oh god...” Brian put his hand on Kyung’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say.

“What about Nick? Did they get everything out of his system?” Kyung looked up at Brian.

“I don’t know. He woke up for a while. He got really upset when he remembered what had happened. He kept asking about Lizz and he tried to rip the tube in his throat out. Then his eyes sort of rolled back and the machines started beeping. I don’t know what caused it.” Brian shook his head.

“That’s what Lizz did too. She kept getting all worked up. Saying if anything happened then it would be her fault. Then we heard the code blue and she freaked out.” Kyung was trying not to cry.

“Her fault?! Why on earth would she blame herself?!” Brian demanded.

“I don’t know.” Kyung said miserably. “I am scared to death.” The tears started to fall.

Brian leaned over and put his arms around her. He couldn’t stop his own tears from falling.

“Why did this happen? Why did they do this?” Kyung moaned.

Brian didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. This was killing him. Not only was Nick unconscious and who knew what complications he suffered from, but also Lizz had done something equally as stupid. He knew that this was the last thing that Nick needed to go through. He also knew that Lizz had some other health issues and now had failed kidneys to deal with on top of it.

Kyung straightened herself up. She was frustrated that she let her emotions get the better of her. She had been trying to be strong for Lizz, but it was all getting to overwhelming. “Brian there is another potential problem.”

“What?” He asked warily. He didn’t need anything else to go wrong.

“What did you tell the paramedics about what happened?” Kyung asked.

“Um, that he accidentally overdosed on one of his medications.” Brian frowned, wondering where she was going with this.

“One of the paramedics saw Lizz’s computer on and messages flashing. He printed it out and brought it with. People have seen the conversation.”

“Oh god...” He breathed. “How many people?”

“I have no idea. One of the interns I work with told me she knew about it, but hadn’t read it.” Kyung told him.

Brian sighed heavily. “Do you know how bad this could be if it gets out?”

“I know! They are going to connect it all together! Two people brought in to the ER very close to the same time, both from an overdose. Anyone who reads that conversation is going to connect Lizz and Nick.” Kyung said in frustration.

“So, what do we do?” Brian rubbed his eyes.

“I am doing what I can to get a hold of it and find out who knows what.” Kyung replied.

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Brian muttered. “Me neither.” Kyung agreed. Her pager went off. She read the message and her face lit up at what she saw. “She’s awake!”

Brian smiled. “Are you going back?”

“Yeah, want to come?”

Brian nodded. “Think she’d mind?”

“Of course not. I bet she will be very happy to see you.”

“I hate to go anywhere without knowing what is happening, but if I don’t can’t tell him how Lizz is, he will just get all upset again.” Brain said.

“We’ll make sure you find out right away when he wakes up.” Kyung promised.

They walked down the hall and stopped at the main desk. Kyung left her pager number with instructions to be paged immediately when Nick was stabilized. They took the elevator to the intensive care unit. Kyung’s heart was flip-flopping, anxious to see if Lizz was okay. Kyung didn’t know how much more she could take. They stopped at the desk before going to her room. Della was sitting at the desk and smiled at Kyung.

“She woke up about ten minutes ago. We took the tube out because she tried to fight it again when she woke up. She’s on oxygen, but other than that she is breathing okay. She is a stubborn thing, isn’t she? Determined to be off the respirator.” Della grinned.

“You have no idea.” Kyung muttered. “Thank you Del.” She called over her shoulder as she and Brian walked to Lizz’s room. She knocked softly and opened the door.

Monica changed her surgical gloves as she prepared to recheck her patient’s set up. Nick Carter and the Backstreet Boys was something Monica was very familiar with. As she set about washing Nick’s face, images of the videos she had seen on Mtv ran through her mind. It was weird to think that she would be caring for him.

“Monica! You’d never guess what I have!”

Monica glanced up to see her friend Terri waving a piece of white paper back and forth.

“What is it?”

“It’s the copy of Nick Carter’s chat from early today,” Terri gushed, evidentially proud of her accomplishment.

Monica was adjusting the breathing tube in Nick’s mouth. “Where did you get that at?”

“I got it from Jen, she was the EMT that was dispatched to his case,” Terri explained. “Oh, and you’ll never guess this in a million years, Nick Carter was trying to kill himself!”

Monica stopped what she was doing and stared at Nick’s face. “No way!”

“It’s true. It says right here, Tidal Wave: I’m tired of living. I took a handful of pills,” Terri slowly read the statement.

“Why on earth would he be tired of living? He of all people that has anything and everything to live for?”

“That’s the weird part. And then there’s this girl, Lizz, she threatened to drink a bottle of albuterol if Nick took the pills. From what I heard she isn’t in very good shape, they are not really sure if she’s going to pull through this yet.” Terri walked up to the bed and stared at Nick laying there. “What about him? Is he going to pull through this?”

“I’m not supposed to discuss this at all Terri, I’m sorry,” Monica apologized.

“Oh come on, we’re best friends, you can tell me,” Terri begged.

“His doctors said that he will make it, but his system was compromised with the meds he took and they are still uncertain if there is permanent damage,” Monica explained.

“What kind of damage?” Terri asked.

“He wasn’t breathing when the EMT’s got to him, oh shit, I’ve already said too much Terri,” Monica started to busy herself with the equipment.

Terri’s mouth dropped open. “Holy shit, you mean he’s got brain damage?”

“I never said that!” Monica defended.

“But you don’t disagree that there’s that possibility?” Terri prodded.

Monica let out a deep sigh. “Terri, at this point anything is possible, okay? Please, just drop it. Anything you and I just said stays in this room, agreed?”

“Sure thing Monica,” Terri smiled. She turned and walked out into the hallway. The only thing Terri could think about was contacting the National Enquirer with this story and giving them the chat conversation. She could use a good chunk of money and never have to worry about her finances ever again.

There was a knock on my door and I carefully turned my head towards the sound. Even that was an effort. Kyung poked her head around the curtain. She smiled at me.

“I brought someone to see you.” She told me.

Then, to my great surprise, Brian Littrell stepped around to the other side of her. He gave me a small smile. My jaw dropped.

“Wh- what are you doing here?!” I stuttered. Was I dreaming?

“Your friend found me in a waiting room. When they paged her to tell her that you had woken up, I asked if I could come with.” He pulled up a chair and down next to the side of my bed. Kyung started to go to the one on the other side that she had been sitting in earlier, but changed her mind.

“Lizz, I’ll be back in a few okay?” She nodded at me as she went around the curtain again.

“‘kay.” I was still surprised that Brian was sitting in the chair next to me. We had talked quite a few times, but still...

“How is he?” I whispered. It seemed to hurt less when I whispered.

“Not too sure. I really hope he is going to be okay, but I don’t know this time.” He sighed and I studied him carefully. His eyes seemed to be a window into his soul and I could see what this was doing to him. It broke my heart.

“Brian, are you doing okay?” I asked quietly.

He gazed at me for a moment before replying. “I don’t know that either. Lizz, why did you do that? Why did you swallow that bottle? You are so luck to be alive right now.” His voice was weary.

“I was desperate. I had to do something to stop him. Please don’t be mad at me. I just wanted to get through to him. I didn’t even care what happened to me right then. I just wanted him to be okay. I thought that would stop him. I’m sorry.” Tears filled my eyes and I struggled to keep them from falling.

“I’m not mad at you, Lizz. I just hate that you are going through all this. This shouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on-line in the first place. I say that all the time, but it never does any good. Now look what happened.” He shook his head.

“But he is going to be okay right?” I pressed.

“But what about you?! You should be worrying...” He was cut off by Kyung bursting through the door.

“Brian, Nick is coming around.” She relayed to him.

“Lizz, I am going to go check on him. I’ll come back though as soon as I can, okay?” Brian stood up.

I nodded. He squeezed my shoulder gently and left. Kyung came in and took his spot next to me.

“I think he was mad at me, K.” I whispered.

“No, I don’t think so. He is just upset about all of this. He is having a hard time seeing this happen to his best friend. I think I know how he feels.” She added softly.

I didn’t know what to say to that. My whole stomach area was throbbing now because of the surgery. I must have gotten a little pale because Kyung went to get my nurse. Della gave me some more pain medication and it made me really drowsy.

“I’m going to go try to find out about Nick okay?” Kyung asked.

“Okay.” I whispered. My eyelids were closing on me, but it was okay because maybe when I woke up, Nick would be okay.

Brian walked down the hall towards the ER. He was anxious to get back to Nick since he had no idea why he passed out again or what was going on now. He stopped in front of the elevators and hit the down button. Just a few feet away a girl in scrubs stood on a pay phone. She caught Brian’s attention.

He didn’t know why, but something didn’t seem right. He watched her a moment. She was holding a piece of paper and seemed to be talking eagerly to whoever was on the other end. Then it clicked why something looked out of place. Why would someone that worked here be on pay phone? Why wouldn’t she use a desk phone or something. Her back was partially turned to him so he walked a little closer to her.

“That’s right! Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys...Yes, I have the whole thing...How much would you pay for it?...I can find out...It was definitely suicide...It says right here “I am holding a handful of pills” and it says “I don’t want to live anymore.”...Yes, and the other girl, Lizz, is here too...I don’t know, critical?...”

Brian wasn’t sure if he was hearing her right at first. She was talking a mile a minute. When it sunk in, Brian was horrified. Then angry. Blind rage filled him.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?!” He shouted at her.

She froze and whirled around. Her mouth dropped open when she saw who had just yelled at her. “Oh my god...” She muttered, in shock.

“Who were you talking to?” Brian demanded, his voice taking a new tone. A much lower tone.

“Um, uh...” The girl could only stare at him.

Without warning his hand snapped in front of her, ripped the phone from her grasp and slammed it back onto the hook. “Who was it?” He asked again, his voice dangerously low.

“No one.” Came the quick answer.

Brian looked at her name tag. “Terri, tell me who you were talking to right now.” His voice was strangely calm. That is what scared Terri. His eyes were flashing and the look on his face was of sheer anger.

“It’s too late now. They already know. I told them everything.” Terri told him. Her voice was shaking slightly, but she tried to hide it. She couldn’t believe Brian Littrell was standing in front her looking like he was going to tear her limb from limb. She thought he was the nice one. The polite, mild-mannered one. The man now standing before her scared her.

“Who knows everything?” That same dead calm voice.

“The National Enquirer.” She whispered.

“What?! Why the fuck would you do something like that?!” He threw his hands up and Terri jumped.

“I needed the money.” She tried to defend herself.

“You ruin Nick’s name for money. You break the confidentiality law for money? You fucking destroy his lifefor money?! What kind of heartless bitch are you?!” Brian’s voice got louder with everything he said.

Terri shrank away from him, pale as a ghost. She had never seen someone so mad in her entire life. She wanted to yell back that Nick had destroyed his own life, but she didn’t dare. She wasn’t sorry about what she did. All that mattered was that she got her money.

Brian seemed to remember where he was and immediately tried to calm himself down. He knew that he shouldn’t have let himself get so worked up anyway. That wasn’t good for anyone.

“You will hear from my lawyers.” He informed her before turning around and slamming open the door to the steps. Once the door shut he leaned his head against the concrete wall of the stairwell and shut his eyes. His head was pounding now and he sank onto one of the steps. Things were going from bad to worse.

For a few brief moment while he sat in the stairwell, Brian allowed the anguished tears to fall. He was sickened and upset about what this girl had done to Nick. She had betrayed patient confidentiality.

~*~*~*~ When I saw Brian’s face, I immediately knew that I was in deep trouble. His face was pale and his eyes were red-rimmed from crying.

“Hey Nick, I’m glad to see you’re awake now,” Brian commented, his voice quiet and lacked emotion. The smile Brian had put on his face was definitely fake.

I slowly closed my eyes, thinking of what to say to Brian. I had messed up yet again and I was hurting my best friend.

“Where am I?” I was surprised at how hoarse my voice sounded.

Brian sighed. “In the hospital emergency room.”

I slowly shook my head, god it hurt to do that. I knew I was in a hospital, I just wanted to know where.

“Tampa?” I was hoping I was close to home.

“No Nick, Oklahoma City, I think.” When he answered me, he had his face down so it looked like he was talking to the floor instead of me.

I searched my mind trying to remember why I was in Oklahoma City, more importantly, why I was in an emergency room.

“Why?”

Brian was shaking his head. “Don’t you remember anything at all?”

I just looked at Brian with anticipation hoping he would clue me in on what had happened. Tons of scenarios filled my mind.

“Nick, you OD’d again, or I should say you were thinking about it and you backed out but it was too late. You evidently had some meds in still in your system and it really has been messing you up.

I knew I had hurt Brian deeply, he couldn’t look me in the eyes when he explained to me what was going on. Still, I had no idea what had happened that made me upset enough to try and take my life.

Brian stood up and walked over towards the opposite side of the room. “You got upset over something that was going on while you were online again. The dumb part of it this time Nick, is that someone followed you in your actions.”

Names popped into my head. Who was I online with?

Brian turned away from the picture he was looking at and stared at me, making me feel uncomfortable.

“Lizz is in critical condition because of you,” Brian stated quietly and evenly.

“Shit.”

It came back to me. She threatened to drink that bottle of albuterol and she did it. She never came back online to tell me she was okay. But I remember throwing up those pills. How could I have wound up in the ER?

“But I threw them up.”

I was trying to convince Brian that I was okay and that I never intended on carrying this through.

Brian shook his head no again. “Not all of them Nick. Whatever you took did some damage to you this time. You’ve already had one seizure since you’ve been here, God only knows if this is something that will happen again or not or if this is a permanent condition.”

Brian had an angry tone in his voice. I immediately became scared. I had overdosed before and Brian was always there for me, catching me before it was too late. This time couldn’t be any different. I was awake and breathing. Things were going to be fine.

“I’m sorry Brian,” I quickly apologized, trying to make all that was wrong, right. “Lizz is going to be okay, right?”

“Nick, her kidneys shut down, they can’t repair the damage to them. She is going to need a transplant,” Brian stared at me and then walked off towards the doorway to the room I was in.

I started feeling sick to my stomach. I caused this and now her life would be forever changed. There had to be a way that I could fix this. Suddenly, my hands started shaking. I couldn’t stop the movements; it was like they were detached from my body.

“Now because of the stunt you pulled,” Brian gestured with his hands, “it’s out in the open, it’s in the press, everyone will know about this!”

Brian turned around to face Nick in time to see that his body had become rigid and his arms and legs were shaking. He slapped the nurse button on the wall.

“Shit.....Nick!”

This sucked. I had always been an active person. I loved being around people, being social and keeping busy. Never a dull moment. Well, let me rephrase that because all of this was certainly not dull. I should say I prefer other means of keeping life interesting. Lying in a bed, hooked up to a bunch of machines, and being in a considerable amount of pain was not my idea of fun.

Kyung had left only about fifteen minutes ago, but I was already bored. I had to be thankful for the small things. At least I was off that damn respirator. Right now more than anything I wanted to know if Nick was okay. Kyung promised to come tell me as soon as she knew something, but I was a very impatient person.

The first thought that came to mind was a bad one. I didn’t know if I would get away with it, but I decided I would find out for myself how he was doing. I wasn’t sure how since I didn’t feel like I could move, but I was determined. Kyung left the door open so I could see into the hallway. There was a wheelchair just outside my door. If I could get to that, then I would wheel myself to the ER. I wasn’t even sure if he was in the ER still or not.

I tried to sit up, but my body didn’t seem to want to work. I groaned in frustration and grabbed the side rail to try to hoist myself up. That made me gasp and I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out. I had almost forgotten about the sutures in my sides from the surgery. That was the source of a lot of my pain.

This time I used the button to raise the head of my bed. Almost immediately I was overwhelmed with dizziness. The pain got steadily worse, but I tried to put it aside. I was on a mission. Very carefully I moved my legs so they were dangling off the side of the bed. Nausea was starting to hit me now so I took a few deep breaths. Being on oxygen helped, but that was going to have to come off since it was attached to the wall.

I sat there a moment clinging to the side rail. It was taking every ounce of my strength to keep myself upright. I was feeling worse by the second, but I had gotten this far. I wasn’t going to give up.

Another problem occurred to me. I was attached to a bunch of machines that would beep at me if I tried to take the patches off. I decided that when I got up I would go hit the silent alarm button so I wouldn’t get caught. That would take care of that.

The pain in my sides was becoming fiery and I had to stop and take a few more deep breaths. It was getting more difficult to breathe, but I passed that off as just being worn out from the exertion.

Just find Nick. Just make sure he is okay. Then you can rest again. Just a little way’s to the wheelchair, I kept coaching myself. I put my feet on the floor and braced myself against the side of the bed. I took one step before the pain and the dizziness completely overwhelmed me. My knees buckled and I crashed into the unforgiving floor. My head hit something and I felt a tear along my side. I barely heard the door open and someone yelling, “What on earth?!” The pain was so bad that I couldn’t even talk. I suddenly felt very sleepy. There was a roaring in my ears and that was all I heard before I passed out.

I laid there for the longest time unable to talk, just watching Brian pace back and forth in the room. He kept running his hands through his hair and sighing. I blew it this time, he didn’t have to tell me, I knew.

It took all the strength I had, but I finally willed myself to speak.

“Brian?”

He apparently didn’t hear me the first time, so I cleared my throat and tried again.

“Bri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m okay now, lets just go.”

Brian laughed softly at me. “Nick, you’re talking crazy, you’re too sick to leave.”

I reached out and grabbed his arm, my eyes locked onto his.

“Please, let’s just get out of here, everything will be okay,” I pleaded. I wanted to walk out of here and just pretend none of this ever happened. I never wanted anything so bad in my life.

Brian shook his head, dismissing the idea. “Nick, you couldn’t walk out this door if you wanted to. You need to let them take care of you. Now just lay back and let them do what they need to do to you.”

Tears were stinging my eyes. I kept thinking that if I could leave then Lizz would be okay and this mess would be over and done with, like it never happened.

I watched as a nurse wearing purple scrubs came into the room with a new IV bag and a syringe. Nothing was said as she went about her work of hanging the new IV up and then injecting something into the line. I started to feel sleepy.

“What’s that?” My voice sounded drawn out and slow to me.

“Meds to help you and calm you, Nick,” the nurse replied smiling as she looked at her watch while she was pushing the meds into my IV line.

Brian evidently could tell I was falling asleep.

“Nick, I’m going to go and check on Lizz and see how she is, by the time you wake up, they will have you in your room, okay?” Brian said as he rubbed my shoulder.

The words were in my mouth to reply, but the dark haze overtook me before I could tell Brian that I wanted to go with him.

As Brian took the elevator to the intensive care unit, he was assuming to himself that Nick would be assigned a bed there shortly. As the elevator stopped on the floor, Brian momentarily hesitated, forgetting if he was to turn right or left when he got off. His indecision was immediately resolved when he saw Kyung approaching the elevators.

“Hey!” Brian called out, “how’s Lizz doing?”

Kyung smiled. “A little better, she’s stubborn though, she won’t listen to the advice the doctors are giving her.”

Brian quietly laughed. “Sounds a little like Nick there.”

“So Nick is awake now?”

Brian nodded. “Awake and complaining and thinking if he goes home everything will somehow magically reverse itself.”

“Oh, I know exactly where that’s coming from,” Kyung frowned.

“I was just checking to see how Lizz was doing. They gave some stuff to Nick and it calmed him down so I figured it was okay to leave until he got a room assignment. I was thinking they will be putting him on this floor too because of the seizures he’s had,” Brian stated.

Kyung’s footsteps slowed when Brian said seizures. She knew that was not good and it appeared in the way Brian was talking that he figured it was something that would medically disappear.

“Do they know why he’s been having them? I mean, was it because of the meds he took or what?” Kyung tried to keep her voice calm; she knew she failed when she saw the alarm in Brian’s eyes.

“I.. I don’t know for sure. He hit his head when he passed out at the hotel, and the xrays are negative so they really aren’t sure. This will stop though, right? I’ve been praying this is something temporary,” Brian searched Kyung’s face for answers.

Kyung touched Brian’s arm. “I’m sure it will be fine. There’s probably---”

A loud crash from Lizz’s room stopped Kyung in mid sentence. Both she and Brian dashed towards the door, with Brian reaching it first and pushing it open.

“What on earth?! Lizz!” Brian shouted as he saw Lizz lying on the floor, a table overturned next to her.

Kyung immediately saw the blood soaking onto the side of Lizz’s gown. She had torn the stitches when she tried to walk to the wheelchair.

“Brian hit the nurse call button for me,” Kyung instructed.

Brian nodded, and hit it and then turned back towards Lizz, scooped her up and laid her gently back into her bed. He saw the blood soaking on the side of the gown and felt momentarily dizzy. He swallowed hard, trying to push the nausea away. The sight of blood was not something he tolerated very well.

Kyung immediately laid the head of the bed down so that Lizz was laying flat. She strapped a blood pressure cuff back on Lizz’s arm and turned back on the heart monitor.

“She does some stupid things, you know that?” Kyung mumbled as she read the blood pressure.

Lizz started moaning once her pressure started to return to near normal levels.

“Wha..what happened?” Lizz asked, her eyes wild as she looked around the room. When her eyes rested on Brian’s face she grew restless again. “How is he?”

“Nick’s okay, he will be up here soon enough, just calm down and let us relay the info, okay? You don’t need to hurt yourself and make it worse, Lizz,” Brian said in a soft, soothing voice.

Lizz nodded slightly, accepting Brian’s advice. She couldn’t help it though, she was still worried about Nick.

“Where is he?” Lizz softly whispered, her energy drained.

“He’s still down in the emergency room, he will be assigned to the floor pretty soon,” Kyung replied. “Brian, could you stay here for a minute? I’ll go check at the station and see where they will be sending Nick, okay?”

Brian nodded and scooted a chair next to Lizz’s bed. Kyung was only gone for a few minutes when she appeared back in the room.

“Nick is no where to be found on the computer, what gives?”

Brian breathed a sigh of relief. “They are going under an alias to protect him, oh I am so glad to hear that.”

“Do you know what name they would be using?” Kyung quizzed.

Brian shook his head no. It was so guarded that even he didn’t have any idea what they were doing.

“At least maybe this will stay a secret.” I whispered.

Brian looked at me, but didn’t say anything. I could tell by the look in his eyes that there was something that he wasn’t telling me. I started to ask, but I was stopped by a shooting pain in my side that took my breath away.

“Lizz?” Kyung must have seen the look on my face. “Hold on hun, let me get your nurse.” She hurried out of the room.

I tried to sit up a little to see what was causing me so much pain. Brian immediately put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back down. “Lay still, you are going to make it worse.” He coaxed.

I brought my hand down to the side of my gown. When I lifted it back up, the sight made me lightheaded. “I’m bleeding.” I breathed. It hurt.

“I know. You probably tore something.” Brian frowned. He looked a little pale.

Della burst through the door and Kyung followed behind, pushing a cart full of supplies. “What happened?” She demanded.

“I fell.” I whispered.

“Okay, let me see what you did.” She pulled the sheet up to my waist and then pulled up my gown, exposing just my side. “Oh shit.” She muttered.

“Lizz, you tore your sutures wide open!” Kyung exclaimed.

Brian turned away quickly and sort of swayed.

Della looked up sharply. “Are you okay?” She asked, watching him carefully.

“I’m fine.” He mumbled.

I started feeling really woozy. I could see a considerable amount of blood all over my sheets. “They’re going to have to take you back down and sew you up.” Della told me as she applied pressure to my side. She turned and said something to Kyung and then Kyung left the room.

“Why can’t you do it?” I protested. “People get stitched up in the ER all the time.”

“This is a little more delicate because they are surgical sutures. They also need to make sure there is no internal bleeding.” She explained.

I whimpered. “It hurts. Make it stop.”

“We’re working on that.” She said gently. “Why were you trying to get out of bed? You should know that your body is far too weak.” She chastised.

“I had to go find...” I trailed off.

Della didn’t seem to notice my hesitancy to end my reply. “You are slowing your recovery down by trying to force your body to do things is isn’t able to do. I’ll be right back. I’m going to see if Kyung was able to get a hold of your doctor.” She looked at Brian who hadn’t said a word in the last few minutes. “Could you hold pressure on this while I go do that?”

“Uh sure.” He said uncomfortably. She left and I had to smile at the look on Brian’s face.

“You don’t like blood do you?” I asked him.

He shook his head.

I knew pressure had to be applied so I wouldn’t bleed to death, but it hurt something fierce. I tried not to let Brian see that.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” He said quietly. “We were on our way back to your room.”

My eyes welled with tears. I wasn’t sure if it was from the growing pain or the shame of doing something stupid again. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to try to find him. I thought if I could see him for myself, then I would know that he would be okay. I didn’t mean to make things worse. I guess I wasn’t thinking.” My voice was barely a whisper.

“Lizz, I just hate to see you going through this. You guys are both so concerned about each other that you are making things harder on yourselves. You need to take the best possible care of yourself so that you can get better faster. So does Nick.” He smiled ruefully. “You two are two of the most stubborn people I have ever known.”

I tried to smile. “Stubbornness is a trait that I am willing to admit to.”

He patted my hand. “Well use that stubbornness to get you through this okay? When it gets harder, and it will, don’t give up. Stay with it and be the strong person that I know you are. Maybe that will help Nick too. Everything’s going to be okay.”

I nodded. A few of the unshed tears slipped out and I blinked furiously. A few moments later Della and Kyung returned. There were also a couple guys with a gurney. Very quickly and carefully they lifted me onto the gurney. My eyes felt really heavy. It made me wonder how much blood I lost.

Kyung brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “We’ll be here when you come back okay?”

I nodded.

Brian squeezed my hand. “You’ll do fine.” He assured me.

As the transport guys loaded me into the elevator I tried to relax. There was something that Brian had said that stood out in my head. What did Nick do that he was slowing down his recovery too? It was my last thought as I fell asleep.

Brian and Kyung stood in Lizz’s room and watched Lizz being pushed down the hall to back to the OR.

Kyung noticed Brian glancing uncertainly at the blood that had soaked the sheets and the small pool on the floor.

“It’s less than it looks.” She said. She tried to convince herself along with him.

“I hope so cause that looks like a lot.” Brian said, frowning.

“Come on, let’s go out of here so they can clean up.” Kyung suggested. She didn’t miss the look of relief that Brian showed.

“Nick should be on his way to his room. We could go check.” Brian said.

“Okay.”

They were silent until they reached the elevator. “I can’t believe she did that,” Remarked Kyung. “That was a pretty dumb move.”

Brian nodded. “I think she realizes that now. At the time she just wanted to try to find Nick. She said she thought if she could just see him, then she would know he was okay.”

Kyung frowned. “They are going to put in a graft to start the dialysis. A fistula is the preferable method, but her veins are already shot from all the meds she used to get through them when she was younger and had to have peripheral IV’s. Instead she has to get a graft. They are going to do that while she is already under anesthesia from sewing her back up again.”

“What is a graft exactly?” Brian asked.

“It works the same way as a fistula, but the difference is that with a graft, a piece of synthetic tubing is inserted under the arm to sew the artery and vein together. They use grafts when the veins aren’t strong enough for a fistula.” She explained.

“This is a permanent thing?” He asked.

“Yes, until she can get a transplant.” Kyung said softly.

Brian nodded. He couldn’t believe that she was going to have to go through this. They approached the ER and he desperately hoped that Nick was doing a little better. He also dreaded having to tell him what Lizz had done.

I laid watching the fluid drip down into the IV line. There wasn’t much else that I could do since I woke up. Brian was no where to be seen and I was a little ticked to think that he left and hadn’t come back yet. With each drip, all sorts of thoughts sprang into my head. The first and foremost one was the fact that I had screwed up again after I had promised Brian that I would talk before I tried something this stupid again. The second thought was that I messed myself up so well that now I was having medical complications. That had never happened to me before, so naturally, now I was really scared. I had done this too many times before, but Brian always bailed me out and I never had to go to a hospital, but this time it was different. This time I mixed the meds I took. This time I was really dumb.

My eyes fell onto a monitor next to my bed. I immediately started thinking about my online chats with Lizz. I wondered how she was doing. No one was telling me anything definite and it was starting to bug me.

“Hey Nick!” Brian grabbed my foot and squeezed it, “how ya feeling?”

“Crummy but ready to get the hell out of here,” I mumbled, knowing that he wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say about leaving. I noticed Brian wasn’t alone and I could tell that the girl that was with him dressed in hospital scrubs wasn’t with Brian on business.

“Nick, this is Kyung, Lizz’s roommate,” Brian introduced the girl with a nod in her direction.

“Hi Nick,” Kyung smiled.

“God, how is she? Is she okay?”

Both Brian and Kyung sighed. Brian raked a hand through his hair again. God, he had been doing that a lot since I was in here. He only did that when he was stressed out or upset about something. I decided he was just stressed.

“She is in OR right now,” Kyung began. “They had to sew her back up after she tore her sutures out. She was trying to get up to see how you were which was dumb on her part because she was weak to begin with and she fell down. It was a miracle that Brian and I happened to be at her door when that happened, otherwise who knows how long she would have laid there, bleeding.”

I could tell by the tone of this girl’s voice that she was not particularly fond of me currently. She was very protective of Lizz and I assumed that she blamed me for all that was happening to her friend. She didn’t need to worry about that though; I had blamed myself as soon as I came to and found out that Lizz had done what she threatened to do with the albuterol. I had also decided that if anything bad happened to Lizz, I would finish out what I had started. I wouldn’t deserve to live.

“Shit, but she will be okay, won’t she?”

“They are putting a port into her body for her infusions while she is on dialysis until a matching donor can be found for a kidney transplant.”

“Shit, I caused that, oh shit,” I whispered.

“No, you didn’t cause that, her system was compromised to begin with, this albuterol just took it over the edge,” Kyung explained.

I nodded slightly to indicate that I understood and accepted her explanation. I was also nodding to the fact that my life wasn’t worth shit at this moment.

“The surgical team is taking Lizz back to her room, I’m going to check up on her,” Kyung excused herself.

“Brian, I need to see Lizz,” I stated with urgency in my voice.

Brian pushed me back as I tried to sit up.

“Whoa, Nick, you have to stay here for now. When the time is right, you can see her.”

“No, you don’t understand Brian, I need to see her,” I stared him straight in those blue eyes. The eyes that looked back at me were not the familiar eyes I was accustomed to looking at, they were bloodshot, and pale if that was at all possible. I took the life from him.

“Nick, you are sick, please try and understand that. What you did to your system has knocked it out of sync. You are having seizures and they don’t know why yet. You need to rest and let the meds work on you that they are giving you, okay? I called your mother and she and your father will be here in the morning.”

“Oh god, no Brian! Why did you call my mom?” I was hoping I misunderstood Brian.

Brian looked away from me. “When I called her Nick, I thought you were gone,” Brian sighed. “I..I thought we lost you forever.”

“Call her back and tell her I’m fine and we will be touring again,” I begged.

Brian shook his head no. “Can’t do that Nick, they had a right to know.”

“Brian you never told them about the other times---”

“Because I could fix the other times, Nick. This time it’s not gonna happen, okay? It’s in the Enquirer and they will be finding out. This is something you have to face now, get it?” Brian hissed.

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” I yelled at Brian. I hated him at that moment more than anything at that point and time in my life. He crossed the line involving my parents and there was no turning back now.

As I watched Brian turn to leave, the room started turning a funny gray color like when your TV set gets zapped in a storm. Then I could hear something off in the distance.....

“NICK! OH GOD!”

I woke up to hear Kyung on the phone with someone. I couldn’t tell who it was so I just laid there and listened to the one-sided conversation. It wasn’t like I could do a whole lot anyway. I felt even weaker than before, but at least now I wasn’t in any pain. I had to think about that one for awhile, but then it occurred to me that I was probably on a bunch of pain medications. Kyung noticed me watching her and smiled.

“Hey sweetie.” She greeted me.

“Hi.” My voice came out raw, like I had been chewing on razor blades.

“That was Julia. She’s going to try to get down here.” Kyung nodded at the phone.

That made me smile. Julia was one of my closest friends, but I only got to see her when I went home on the occasional weekend or holiday. She and her husband were getting ready to move back to India in a few months. A couple years before they stayed there for almost a year and they loved it. “How is she going to do that with her little one?” She had just had a baby a few months ago.

Kyung shrugged. “She is pretty determined. Oh, I tried to get through to your parents again, but there still isn’t an answer.”

“I bet they went to Kansas for an auction. If that is what they did then they won’t be back for a few days.” I vaguely remembered my mom mentioning that when I talked to her last. That meant that would not be home until a couple days later. I was cool with that.

“I’m sorry, Lizz.”

I shook my head softly. “It’s better that way anyway. You know my mom. She’d freak. It’s better that I tell her about all this when I am doing better so it is easier on her.”

Kyung stared at me. “You amaze me.” She said quietly.

“What?” I demanded.

“Nothing.”

Okay whatever that was...Then Nick flashed into my head. “How’s Nick?” I asked anxiously.

“Well I got to see him.” She started.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “You better not have been pissy at him.” I knew how she was and I could just see her being mad at him for all of this. I tried to think of something to say to her so she wouldn’t blame him. It was my decision to do this, he didn’t force me too. Although that was something I didn’t want to think about. I didn’t want to think about how the rest of my life was affected now. The fact that if I didn’t get a transfusion soon then I would die. The fact that I had messed myself up pretty bad. I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet and my whole body was screwed up from the albuterol. Some of it was still in my system, I could tell. And now I was going to have to start dialysis. I didn’t know very much about it, but I knew that it wasn’t always pleasant.

“No, I wasn’t pissy at him. I’m not mad at him. I just am...mad that all this happened.” Kyung said, bringing me out of my thoughts. Still, even though my life was pretty screwed up at the moment, I don’t regret doing what I did. At least Nick was still with us.

“Good!” I said. I looked down at my arm and noticed the white bandage around it. “That’s the graft huh?” I said quietly.

Kyung nodded. “They won’t be able to use it for awhile though. It needs to heal first. Did they tell you what they were going to do meanwhile?”

“No.”

Kyung broke her gaze from me. “The only way they can do it for now is by putting a tube either in your neck or just below your collar bone.”

My eyes widened. “Oh god.” That didn’t sound good. In fact it sounded pretty bad. It scared the crap out of me.

She returned her gaze to me. “It’s only until the graft heals. They’ll be here in a little bit to start you on the dialysis.”

“What’s it going to be like? Other than the tube part...” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“Well it is different for everyone. There are some side effects that you might get. Especially considering the state you are in now. Dizziness, nausea, headache, stuff like that.” She listed.

“Oh fun.” I smiled wryly.

“Maybe it won’t have to go on for long.” Kyung suggested.

“What if I don’t get a transplant?” I asked her. I don’t know why I bothered. I already knew the answer.

“Lizz, you’ll get one.” She gave me a look.

“But what if I don’t?” I persisted.

“Lizz!”

I saw that I was upsetting her so I shut up. I don’t know what the point of all that was anyway. Maybe I just needed to hear the words out loud so they wouldn’t seem so unreal. It wasn’t unreal. If I didn’t get a donor, I would die. It was as simple as that. Then the feelings of blaming me started hitting me. For some reason I felt like none of this shouldn’t have happened. I should have prevented it. What kind of friend was I to Nick if I couldn’t help him? I still didn’t even know if he was going to be okay or not. I just know that I should have done something to stop him. A little part of me tried to tell me that these feelings were ridiculous just like Kyung had told me. I couldn’t help it though. He was so close and I couldn’t do a thing. The emotional turmoil inside of me was growing.

“Lizz what’s wrong?” Kyung looked at me carefully.

I didn’t trust my voice so I didn’t say anything. Just then her pager vibrated and I watched her suck in a breath when she read the message.

“What?” I demanded.

“It’s Brian’s cell. He told me if anything happened he’d page me. I’ll be back in a minute.” She rushed out of the room and left me to sit there and worry about what had happened.

“Yes I am,” Brian lied. In his heart he didn’t feel as if he had lied, Nick was a brother to him, just not the technicalities of being flesh and blood.

The doctor flipped open Nick’s chart and quickly thumbed threw the growing stack of papers in it.

“We’re giving Nick some meds in his IV to help in stopping the seizures from happening. The CT’s were negative, which is good news. I suspect that the seizures are from the meds that he apparently overdosed on,” Dr. Schueller stated.

“How soon before you know whether or not these meds are working?” Brian asked, almost afraid to find out the answer.

“We should know within 24 hours. Nick has already had four seizures since he arrived here, so I would suspect that if we are on the right track with him, this should stop seizures entirely,” the doctor replied as he was scribbling something in Nick’s chart.

The doctor flipped the chart closed. “Do you have any questions?”

“Will this be a lifetime thing.... I mean the seizures; will this be something that can happen to him the rest of his life?” Brian asked hesitantly.

“There is always going to be that chance, only time will tell."

"How's Nick?" Lizz asked as Kyung showed her face in the room.

"He's doing alright," Kyung lied.

"I want to see him," Lizz stated as she starting pulling the blankets off her body.

"Lizz, you need to rest, besides Nick won't know if you're here right now anyway," Brian suggested.

"Why wouldn't he? You guys aren't telling me the truth about Nick. Tell me what's going on, please!" Lizzed begged, looking at Brian and Kyung's faces with pleading eyes.

Brian sighed heavily. "They had to put Nick in a drug induced coma for a few days to see if they can sort out what's causing the seizures."

Lizz put her hand to her mouth. "Oh my god."

"He's okay, Lizz, he's just sleeping so he's not hurting at all," Kyung tried to calm Lizz down before she got upset.

"Please, let me see Nick. Just this one time, okay and then I promise I'll stay in my bed and do everything they tell me to."

Kyung agreed, but she knew it was against her better judgment. Her best friend was pretty stubborn and she knew that if she told Lizz no, she would do it by herself and could possible get injured.

"Okay, but only for a few minutes, okay?"

Lizz nodded.

Brian pushed the wheelchair down the hall into the doorway of Nick's room. Lizz took in all of the equipment that was surrounding Nick's bed, the sounds it made. As they approached the bed, the first thing Lizz noticed as the tubing for the respirator. She knew exactly how that felt.

She reached up and took Nick's free hand and placed it in hers. It was cool to the touch. Looking at Nick's face, tears came to Lizz's eyes. She felt awful in not being able to prevent any of this. She felt responsible for it.

Kyung could see that Lizz was becoming upset. She decided that this was a bad idea to have brought her down here.

"Lizz, I think it would be best that you go back and lay down now."

"But I'm not ready to go yet," Lizz sniffed, silently cursing herself for letting her emotions surface. "I'm fine."

"She's bleeding again!" Brian pointed at the side of Lizz's gown.

Lizz was starting to feel light headed, but she didn't want to acknowledge her bleeding. She wanted to stay with Nick.

"I'll be okay," Lizz snapped.

"We're going back, NOW," Kyung replied, the urgency in her voice forced Lizz to tighten her grip on Nick's hand.

As Kyung tried to pull the wheelchair back, Lizz's grip on Nick's hand jerked her forward out of the wheelchair onto Nick's bed.

I gasped as I tried to keep from losing my balance. I was sort of half lying across the bed. I bit my lip harshly to keep from crying out from the pain in my side. “Damn it, I’m not going anywhere.” I hissed. With that, I kind of pushed myself up so I was sitting on the side of the bed. My grip on Nick’s hand didn’t lessen. I refused to acknowledge the worsening pain. It had been growing steadily more agonizing since I had nearly passed out from trying to keep Nick from falling out of the chair earlier. There was no way I was going to mention it because that would have only gotten in the way. My main concern right now was Nick. The light headedness wasn’t easing.

“Lizz! For goodness sake, you’re bleeding. You need to go lay back down!” Kyung cried, the exasperation and worry was clear in her voice.

“No! I’m fine really.” I insisted stubbornly.

Kyung threw a helpless look at Brian.

“No you aren’t. You are bleeding and you are shaking so bad that I don’t know how you can even sit up. You are going back to your room.” Brian told me as he came around to where I was.

“Please.” I couldn’t help it the fresh tears that started to fall. I was losing control of the situation. I couldn’t leave. “I need to be here. I can’t leave him. Please don’t make me leave. Please!” I cried brokenly. I was so afraid that if I left then something would happen. If I stayed then I could protect him. Make sure he was okay.

“Shhhh, it’s going to be okay. The best thing you can do for Nick is to get yourself better.” Brian soothed as he wrapped his arms around me. I held on for dear life with one arm, but refused to let go of Nick’s hand with my other.

“Lizzie, come on. We need to get your stitches looked at. Maybe after you have gotten some rest, you can come back.” Kyung said gently. Yet the urgency was still in her voice.

“No, I can’t.” I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I had let a few tears fall now and then since I had gotten here, but now I couldn’t stop the sobs that ripped through me. It was the combination of the pain, the failed kidneys, the fact that I could die, but most of all, seeing this happening to Nick. I had always heard that you could talk to people in comas and that they would hear you. I was so terrified of leaving. If I could just stay and talk to him. Tell him not to give up. That I was here and that everything was going to be okay. But, I was so scared. I couldn’t leave. “I need to stay. They can just stitch me up in here or do whatever they need to do to me in here. I don’t care.” Even as I said it, my vision started to get fuzzy on me. I fought it with every ounce of my strength. I wasn’t going to give into it. I started to go limp in Brian’s arms and I felt him tense.

“Lizz? Oh god...”

Kyung stood just outside Lizz’s room next to Brian and watched her while she slept. “I shouldn’t have let her out of bed. She had just got done getting her last stitches fixed. I can’t believe she tore them again.” She said softly.

“At least she didn’t tear them as bad this time. You can’t blame yourself. You know she would have found a way to get in there anyway, just like she tried to before and just like Nick did.” Brian replied. He shook his head, thinking back to how mad he had been when he and Kyung had returned from their coffee break. Kyung had been just as angry. Nick had just been loaded onto the gurney and was being wheeled out of Lizz’s room when they had walked up. The look on Brian’s face was one of horror as he ran over to see what had happened. Kyung rushed into Lizz’s room to find her back in her bed, shaking and white as a ghost. She was crying and looked scared out her mind. No one had told her anything so she could only sit there and wonder. She tried to get up and go find out for herself, but Kyung wouldn’t let her go anywhere. It had been a very long hour.

Kyung sighed. “What are we going to do?” At first seeing Lizz pass out in Nick’s room had scared her, but her doctor said that it was probably either the pain, the physical toll on her body, or the emotional. Now she was relieved that at least she wouldn’t be all worked up about seeing Nick.

“I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. I pray that something doesn’t happen to one of them because I don’t think, at this point, that the other one could take it.” Brian said quietly.

Kyung couldn't help but smile as she looked at Brian curled up in a chair in the corner of the waiting room. A clattering of silverware from a cart out in the hallway woke Brian up from his sleep. Disoriented, Brian looked around the room, his eyes half open.

"I was hoping at least one of us would be sleeping, Brian," Kyung softly commented.

Yawning, Brian stretched in his seat. "You should have tried to sleep too."

Kyung shook her head. "I can't, there's too much on my mind."

"Mine too, but there's no excuse for letting yourself wear down with worry. Any changes while I was sleeping?"

"Some of Lizz's blood draws looked promising. They won't tell me anything about Nick thought, they're keeping it strictly confidential, which is good, but it's so frustrating when you want to find out what's happening with him," Kyung replied quietly.

Brian nodded as he listened to Kyung. She turned to look towards the door when Brian suddenly stood up. She wasn't too certain, but she thought she recognized Nick's mother standing in the doorway.

"Oh Brian, how is he?" a tearful Jane Carter asked Brian as she wrapped her arms around him.

Brian's thoughts were racing, trying to think of the best way to explain all that was happening with Nick at the moment.

"He's resting right now," Brian started out, he caught Kyung's face out of the corner of his eye and had to look quickly away, knowing that the shocked look on her face was from him not telling the Carter's everything right away.

"I need to see him, what room did they say he was in?" Jane looked up at her husband while she asked.

Bob Carter placed his hand on her shoulder. "Calm down, honey, let's talk to Brian first and see what's going on before you bolt into his room."

Bob turned his attention back to Brian's. "Now, tell us what happened to Nick, from the beginning."

Brian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was going to be something that could very well tear them up. He wanted to make sure he explained it to them as gently as possible.

"You know how Nick can be sensitive about certain things---"

Bob cut him off. "Brian just tell us, don't lead into this. We already know he either accidentally overdosed or deliberately overdosed, we just want the truth."

"Nick tried to kill himself yesterday. No one knows for sure exactly what he took but we do know that some of the meds were mine mixed in with his. His heart stopped on him twice and he's had a few seizures since he's been here."

Jane gasped when Brian mentioned Nick's heart stopping.

"But he's okay now? He's going to be alright?" Jane asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"They have him in a drug induced coma to try and sort out why he's been having seizures," Brian quietly stated.

"I need to see him, take me to him," Jane demanded.

I distinctly smelled my mother's perfume. When I heard her voice, I wanted to call out to her. It's funny what you can hear when you're in a coma. Good thing about it is that hopefully I won't remember hearing her anguished cries. I had let her down. I had let my parents and my best friend down. How could I live knowing that?

Jane cupped Nick's hand in hers. She fussed with his blonde hair and didn't speak to him, just took in all that was surrounding Nick, the machines, the tubes, the IV's.

"This won't hurt his voice, will it?" Jane asked, gesturing towards the tube in Nick's mouth.

Brian shrugged and then shook his head no. He wasn't certain what would or wouldn't harm Nick at this point.

I felt someone messing with my arm and awoke with a start. “Shhh...It’s okay sweetie. I just need to check your graft.” A nurse said softly. It wasn’t Della. Shifts must have changed. This one’s name tag read Cynthia.

I started to look down at the graft, but changed my mind. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see it. I knew there was going to be a nasty looking knot thing that was the graft under my skin. After asking if I need anything, Cynthia left me alone in my room. My thoughts immediately returned to Nick. The last thing I remembered was being in his room as Kyung and Brian tried to convince me to leave. What happened after that and how I ended up in my room again was a mystery to me. I was not happy about it though. I started to sit up so I could somehow get back to his room, but to my shock, I couldn’t even move. I turned my head to the door, hoping that I could get a nurses attention. This was freaking me out.

I tried as hard as I could to sit up, but my body simply wouldn’t obey me. The pain in my side was sort of a dull throbbing instead of that fiery sharp feeling. “Dammit.” I muttered. Even my voice sounded pitiful. I had to get to Nick.

“Lizz, what’s wrong?” Kyung stood in my doorway.

“What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t get up!” My frustration was growing.

“You pushed your body too far. You need to rest for awhile. Between what you did to it by overdosing and then tearing your stitches twice, you need to stay still. I shouldn’t have let you out of bed the second time.” Kyung’s voice was tired.

“I need to see Nick.” I said, dismissing what she said about resting.

Kyung shook her head. “Absolutely not...”

I started to cut her off, but she continued.

“Anyway, his parents are here. Let them spend some time alone with him.”

“His parents?” I breathed. That blew me away and sort of scared me. I knew that Nick was very adamant about his parents not getting involved in the other times. The fact that they were now just told me of the seriousness of the situation. “Is he still in the coma?” I asked softly.

Kyung nodded.

“What about the other guys?” I asked.

She shrugged. I could tell there was something else on her mind.

“What is it?” I leveled a gaze at her.

“More than just Nick’s parents are going to be finding out.” She looked away.

I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean?” I asked slowly.

She sighed. “I didn’t want to tell you this, but you are going to find out anyway. This whole thing has turned into an even bigger mess. Someone here found a copy of you guys’ chat and has already called the National Enquirer.”

I gasped.

“It gets worse. Other major news stations know and there are reporters all over outside. Security is keeping them from coming in, but there have been some close calls.”

This was unreal. “Oh my god, everyone is going to find out. My parents, everyone at school. Shit! What is this going to do to the Backstreet Boys? To Nick?!” I felt sick to my stomach.

“I don’t know. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t. Oh and I heard someone in the nurses station mention that psych is sending someone up to talk to you.” Kyung frowned as she said this.

“What?! Why?” I demanded.

“Well Lizz, look at it. You are a suicide risk now. You swallowed a bottle of a pretty strong drug. It wasn’t someone like Tylenol. This looks like a serious attempt at your life. Everyone is still amazed that you are even alive now. Your body is still really screwed up. And I’m not even talking about your kidneys. The albuterol really did a job on you. Not to mention that you are making it worse by not taking care of yourself here. You have already torn your stitches twice.” Kyung’s voice rose.

“Like you said, I’m already all screwed up so I don’t care that much at this point. I am more concerned with Nick right now. He’s in a freaking coma. He’s having seizures and they don’t know why. His career might be ruined now. What if they can’t bring him out of this coma? What if he doesn’t get better? What happens with him is so much more important right now.” I fired all this out at Kyung and didn’t even notice how red her face got.

“Bullshit! Why is your life any less important, huh?!” She demanded angrily.

I just looked at her. “It just is.”

“Whatever. I’ll be back. I need some coffee.” She stormed out of the room.

Shit. I had pissed her off good. I haven’t seen her this mad in...I don’t even know. I suddenly felt really alone and really depressed. I felt tears come to my eyes and I blinked them away. I was sick of crying. A few escaped anyway. I heard a soft knock at my door and I turned away. “Go away whoever you are.” I muttered under my breath.

The knocking persisted. “Yeah?” I called out softly. I figured it was Kyung again so I was surprised it wasn’t her that gazed at me from the doorway.

Dr. Minnick was sweating as he prepped Nick's IV line. They were in a tiny sterile room. Nurse Barbara McKean, the doctor's assistant could detect his obvious nervousness and apprehension as he worked on the patient.

"Where the hell is the Neuroban? I need it now, dammit!"

Nurse McKean slapped the syringe into the doctor's gloved palm. Her eyes met with his icy blue glare. She knew he had messed up with this patient. She was waiting for the right time to confront him.

Picking up Nick's chart, the doctor wrote down orders. "I want this patient back to ICU with 24 hours total surveillance."

"Yes doctor," a nurse replied to his order.

Dr. Minnick slapped the door open and took a deep breath of air once he left the room, he felt that the patient's prognosis was off his shoulders, he was done with the Carter case, as far as he was concerned. A hand on his arm stopped the doctor in mid-stride.

"You are planning on talking to this boy's family, aren't you?" Nurse McKean spat.

The doctor pulled his arm from the nurse's grip. "What for? There's nothing to tell."

"Nothing to tell? My god Peter, you messed up this time and you know it. Because of your error, he has had a stroke. God only knows if the damage can be repaired. He could possibly wake up not being able to move or to speak," the nurse spoke harshly, barely above a whisper.

"There's no way you can prove that and besides if you think you're going to the board with your suspicions, think again. Remember the Baby Boy Johnson case? You were at fault in that one by your own mistakes, so you see, Nurse McKean,I am not going down alone, I will take anyone I can with me."

Stunned, Barbara McKean stood staring at the doctor for a moment, she started to turn and walk away when he grabbed her by the arm.

"Let's go talk to the family then, you're coming with me."

The nurse reluctantly followed the doctor to the ICU waiting room. As she stood in the doorway, she noticed the patient's parents and a young man in his early twenties sitting in a chair holding his head in his hands. When the doctor entered the room he looked up at them, his eyes were a piercing blue.

"Hi, Doctor Minnick. I just was finishing pushing the meds that should be bringing Nick around out of his sedation. Everything looks good so far."

"Did they figure out what's caused the seizures yet?" Brian asked.

"He never had anymore since he went under the sedation, so we are hoping that the meds he is on now will be the ones that hold them off. Unfortunately, he will need to be on the anti-seizure meds for the rest of his life, but if it prevents the seizures, it's good."

The doctor quickly shook their hands and left the room.

I think I could safely say that these past three days were some of the worst in my life. Today was the day that Nick was supposed to be coming out of his coma. I was a wreck. In more ways than one actually. Ever since Kyung had stormed out of my room three days ago, things had seemed to go downhill. She wasn’t mad at me anymore of course, but the battle I was fighting with myself was growing. I was supposed to stay quiet, but that day I made things worse for myself again.

……..The knocking persisted. “Yeah?” I called out softly. I figured it was Kyung again so I was surprised it wasn’t her that gazed at me from the doorway.

A woman that appeared to be in her mid thirties gave me a confident smile. “Hi. My name is Pamela Strait. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.”

“Who are you?” I asked shortly. I knew I was rude, but I wasn’t in the mood for visitors.

“I’m a reporter from Channel 8.”

My jaw dropped. "How did you get in here?!" I demanded.

"Oh, I have my ways." She informed me smugly.

"I'm not telling you anything so you might as well leave." I said coldly.

. "Could you just cooperate with a few questions? How do you know Nick Carter? Is it true that you both tried to kill yourselves with some sort of suicide pact? Are there any permanent results?" She started firing the questions at me.

"Get out before I call security." I glared at her.

"Just answer a few questions, then I will leave. There isn't a phone in here to call with anyway." She made her voice sound sickeningly sweet.

"Then I will yell at the top of my lungs." I snapped.

"Right." She sneered.

This wasn’t right. There was no way that this person was from Channel 8. "Fine, I'll strike a deal with you. You tell me who you really are and how you got in here. Then I will tell you something." I spoke slowly.

"Okay. I don't work at Channel 8. I am with the National Enquirer. And I was let in by one of the nurses here." She stated.

"Why would one of the nurses let you in?" I demanded.

"Because she is the one who called and told us everything. And I am their best reporter and I am used to getting what I want. So now you can tell me what I want to know." She said haughtily.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Bitch. Get out of here right now." I exploded. The adrenaline was pumping now.

"I don't think so sweetie. Answer my questions." Her tone went to straight nasty.

“Get out.” I repeated.

She only stared at me.

I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed the nearest thing. That happened to be a small pitcher of water. I held it up. “Get out of here right now before I soak your ass.” I threatened.

She took a step toward me and I threw the water on her, drenching her suit.

She gasped. “You little...”

I didn’t know what she was going to do next so I threw the empty pitcher at the wall as hard as I could. It made a loud clatter.

“Alright kid, have it your way, but it doesn’t change what is being printed in next week’s paper. I’ll make sure to send you a copy. You both will be all over the front page.” With that she turned around and flounced out of the room.

I shuddered at the memory of that. As soon as she had left I lost my energy and collapsed against my pillows, shaking like a leaf. The monitors above my head started beeping and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. Within seconds, my nurse was in my room trying to calm me down. When Kyung had returned, she was pretty mad.

Kyung was working now so she was on another floor. They were going to start my first dialysis treatment today and I had to admit I was nervous. Kyung tried to switch her shift around so she could be with me, but was unable. I didn’t want to be alone. My doctor explained to me that they had actually done the procedure when I was in my first surgery. So technically this was the second one, but since I wasn’t awake for that one, I counted this as my first.

I wasn’t due for another hour so I decided I was going to go see Nick. I was watched like a hawk for the past three days so I couldn’t go see him, but now everything seemed quiet so I could get away with it. Besides I wanted to be there when he woke up. The hard part was getting there. I knew that my chances of staying were better if I got caught when I was already in his room.

The wheelchair was still in my room and I snickered at that. With my history, you’d think they would be smart enough to keep it out of reach. Getting to the chair was going to be a task though. I don’t know what was wrong with me because I didn’t seem to be feeling much better. I wasn’t regaining my strength like I figured I would. I knew I was stubborn enough to make it to the chair though. I turned off my IV machine and clamped the line. It was too much of a hassle to maneuver that and the wheelchair and I knew that they would hook me back up to it as soon as I was discovered anyway. Next came the leeds that I was attached to. I flipped the switch on silent just like I had done before and then pulled them off. I was a little more hesitant to take off my oxygen, but it was a sacrifice I had to make. Finally, very carefully I slid into the wheelchair. My legs felt like rubber and I didn’t want to use them more than I had to. I didn’t need another fall.

Time was running short before I was discovered so I wheeled myself to the doorway. I was already feeling lightheaded and short of breath, but I was getting used to that. I wasn’t going to let whatever was wrong with me get in my way. The hall was empty so I headed toward Nick’s room.

The door was slightly ajar so I pushed it open a little more. The door swung open, but now I hesitated. Several pairs of eyes turned in my direction.

Brian looked up to see Lizz sitting in a wheelchair in the doorway. She was very pale, but had a determined look on her face. “Lizz, what are you doing out of bed? You look awful!” Brian exclaimed as he headed towards her.

“Gee thanks Bri, you look like crap yourself.” Lizz retorted. “How is he? I want to see him.” She tried to peer around Brian, who was standing in front of her.

“He’s still asleep.” Brian replied. Then he remembered that Lizz had never met Nick’s parents. “Jane, Bob, this is Nick’s online friend, Lizz. Remember I told you about her earlier?”

Jane nodded and held out her hand for Lizz to take. “Nice to meet you.” She said.

Lizz shook her hand and flushed. She thought of how silly she must have looked being so pale and having bright red cheeks. She turned back to Brian. “Will you push me over to him?”

Brian nodded and angled Lizz at the side of the bed. Lizz looked carefully at him and her eyes widened. She had expected him to look like he was sleeping peacefully, but instead he didn’t look all that peaceful. His eyes were partway open showing a sliver of his blue eyes. Lizz looked at Brian uncertainly.

“He’s been like that for awhile. I guess it is part of coming out of the coma.” Brian tried to reassure her. Unfortunately his voice didn’t sound as confident as he would have liked.

I opened my eyes and slowly tried to become aware of my surroundings. Machines were stacked next my bed...not good. I tried to remember what happened to me that landed me in this place. I had an itch on my nose and was going to scratch it when I realized that something was terribly wrong. I told my right hand to scratch it, but it refused to budge.

"Naaaa." Okay, now I was really starting to panic here. That did not sound like me. I attempted to clear my throat and try it again, a simple word, nurse, 'come on Nick, you can do it.' "Naaaa."

'Okay, it must be cause I was out of it or something, just give it time,' I was desperately trying to reassure myself and avoid the panic that was filling my mind.

A woman appeared in my view, her nameplate had a picture of her face and the Name Allison written on it.

"Glad to see you're awake, we've been waiting for you, Nick."

This girl seemed overly cheerful, I decided. I know at least my command of frowning seemed to work because she picked up on that one instantly.

"I know, it takes time, just relax, you've been in that coma for a few days now," Allison said as she patted my shoulder.

My mind searched trying to figure out why I was in a coma. Was I in an accident? I was growing more and more confused.

I was still trying to adjust myself to the weirdness of the situation when a group of people all wearing white lab coats came into the room. One of them said that they were from the neurology team and needed to evaluate my progress.

Brian paced nervously in the small private waiting room next to ICU.

"Brian, please, sit down, you're making me nervous," Jane said as she patted the seat next to hers.

Brian reluctantly sat down and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. He could feel Jane rubbing his back.

"They said someone would be in to see us in a few minutes, what is taking them so long?" Brian asked out loud, a frustrated tone in his voice.

Before Jane could answer Brian's question, a man in a long white lab coat entered the room.

"Doctor Signet, neurology," the doctor sighed as he sat in the chair opposite of Brian and the Carter's. He flipped open what appeared to be Nick's chart. "I've just finished evaluating Nick and I'm afraid that the prognosis at this point does not look very good." The doctor sighed again as he quickly shuffled through some papers in the chart. "It appears that he has suffered a stroke from the last seizure he endured before he was placed into the coma.

Jane gasped and held onto her husband's hand tighter. Brian's mouth dropped open.

"Wha... what's the prognosis, what's been affected?" Brian stammered, afraid to know.

"Right now the paralysis appears to have affected his speech and his extremities are weak."

"But it will get better, right?" Brian asked.

"Only time will tell," the doctor stated as he closed the chart up. He shook their hands and excused himself saying that they could go see Nick if they wanted to.

I sat in my bed and sulked. I wasn’t in Nick’s room for more than five minutes when I got busted. I was pretty pissed, but I wasn’t going to cause a scene. Especially with his parents in there. I felt a little better when Brian told me that they had to clear everyone out so the neurologists could check Nick out. Maybe they would figure out what was going on. My nurse was not very happy with me for getting out of bed. Apparently my stats were not so good. Go figure, I felt pretty lousy. So I laid there and sulked and worried.

“Hey Lizz! I can’t stay, but I need to tell you something.” Kyung came in and stood by the side of my bed. She looked at me closely. “You look terrible.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks. Between you and Brian...” I trailed off.

“Um, there was a message for you on the answering machine. It was your mom...” She began.

My hopes lifted. As much as I was worried about how she would react, I needed her to be here.

“You were right about your mom and dad going to Kansas for that auction. Well, your mom said that they were going to go ahead and drive to Illinois to see the rest of your family. She said that they are going to stay in a hotel on the way so they will be on the road for a few days.” I could tell Kyung hated relaying this news.

I forced a smile. “It’s all good. My mom would freak if she knew anyway. It would be better if I was in better shape when she knew.” I couldn’t ignore that little voice in the back of my mind that said “If I got better.”

She nodded uncertainly. “Well you should still call them. Do you know any of your relative’s numbers?”

“Nope, not a clue.” I sighed.

“I’m sorry, sweetie.” She squeezed my shoulder.

I gave her a tight smile. “I start my first dialysis in about 20 minutes.”

“I know. I wish I could be here.” It was obvious she felt bad. She tried to switch shifts, but it didn’t pan out.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.” My voice wasn’t as convincing as I would have liked.

She leaned down and gave me a hug. “You’ll be alright, I know you will. I’m going to swing by and talk to Brian and see what I can find out. I’ll try to get some info back to you okay?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice at the present. She left and I don’t think I had ever felt so alone in my life. That is the thing I hated most about being in the hospital. How lonely it was. I wished more than anything that my parents were here, but they didn’t even know what was going on. Kyung had told me that a few of our friends had called, but I didn’t know how to handle visitors yet. The situation was too delicate. Kyung had been great. All her spare time between class and work was spent with me. Brian had also spent some time in here too. It was those silent moments. The past few nights when I couldn’t sleep. And more than ever, now. I wanted to be the strong person that everyone always told me that I was, but I didn’t feel strong right now. I didn’t want to be alone through this dialyisis thing. I fought the tears that were trying to push through.

Barbara McKean struggled for the third time to get the right combination on her locker. Her hands were shaking so bad that she kept hitting the wrong numbers. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. The image of Nick Carter’s face kept going through her mind. It was wrong. What Dr. Minnick had done was wrong. What he was doing now was beyond comprehension.

Nurse McKean was faced with the biggest moral dilemma she could imagine. She couldn’t let Dr. Minnick get away with this, but how could she expose him without taking the fall herself? She couldn’t afford to lose this job. One little mistake she made as an intern could now destroy her career. On on the other hand, her ethics couldn’t let her stay quiet. Dr. Minnick was well known and respected. Personally, she didn’t like him. He was ill-tempered and had a miserable bedside manner, but he was a good doctor. Until now.

Her heart broke at the memory of the reactions of this poor kid’s parents. And that young man that was with them. It was his eyes that she couldn’t forget. She had to do something about this, but she didn’t know what.

Kyung spotted Brian in the hall, leaning against the wall next to Nick's room, his head bowed. He appeared to be visibly shaken, his face ashen.

"Brian, what's wrong?" Kyung asked as she placed her hand on his shoulder.

Brian stood there for the longest time, not speaking, just slowly shaking his head back and forth. Finally after several minutes had passed, he looked at her, his eyes bloodshot and tired.

"I've always been able to fix things for Nick, always. This time I can't. I don't understand it," Brian mumbled.

"Fix what? What's wrong?" Kyung asked, searching his face for some type of clue. "He's still not having seizures, is he?"

"They think the last seizure he had before they put him under caused some problems," Brian began. His eyes were tearing up and he stopped speaking because his voice was failing him.

Kyung waited for Brian to regain his composure.

"They're saying he had a stroke---"

"Oh god," Kyung gasped, putting her hand to her mouth.

"Lizz? How is she doing?" Brian asked, worried about her welfare.

"She is starting dialysis right now. Naturally, she's scared to death," Kyung replied.

Overwhelmed with everything that was happening with Nick and Lizz, Brian's legs started to buckle. Kyung was able to catch him before he fell down to the floor.

I never got nervous about anything, but I sure as hell was now. Several people in scrubs had just let themselves into my room and were hooking up what I guessed was the dialysis machine. I wished more than anything that someone was in here with me. The techs, or whatever they were called, were very efficient. They wasted no time in setting everything up and getting this started. I wanted to find a way to stall them. I thought about saying I had to go to the bathroom, but my nurse made sure I went before the crew got here. She also had me weighed. That had something to do with the dialysis. Making sure that they exchanged the right amount of blood or something. I wasn’t too clear on all this yet.

“Okay Elizabeth, we are going to have to put the catheter in now.” One of the ladies told me. She took the needle out of the package and I could feel the color drain from my face.

“Oh my god.” I whispered. It was huge! I had never had a needle that big get put into me and I had had a lot of needles stuck in my in my life. And it was going in my neck? I wanted to throw up. Instead I started coughing uncontrollably. I do that when I get nervous, upset, or anxious. Now it was all of the above.

“Are you alright?” Another asked me watched me carefully.

I nodded and after a few minutes, the coughing subsided. “I’m ready.” I said hoarsely. Actually I wasn’t, but I didn’t have much choice.

“Wait, can’t I have some lidocaine or something?” My voice hit a frantic note as she moved towards me.

“I‘m sorry honey. With your compromised health, it would be dangerous to numb your neck that much.” The first one said apologetically. I saw that her name was Lenora.

“What about versed to knock me out?” I pleaded. I did not want to feel that thing.

“That would have to be ordered from the pharmacy and we have to get this started. We do have a spray though. It will be able to take some of the sting out.” She suggested.

“Okay.” That was a relief. She had me lay back and relax. Riiiight, relax...The other techs were fiddling with the machine. Man, I wanted someone here with me. She sprayed the stuff on my neck and waited. It was cold and almost immediately I started to go numb. She waited for about three minutes.

“Ready?” Lenora asked gently. I nodded and she counted to three. I didn’t feel the needle actually go in, but then once it was in, I felt her threading it. I sucked in my breath sharply and felt tears come to my eyes. It hurt.

“Hold still okay?” Lenora told me.

I clenched the sheets tightly in my hands and prayed that it would be over soon. After another minute she was done and began to secure it with tape. I let out a shaky breath and shut my eyes. “That was not cool.” I whispered.

“You did great though, honey.” I could hear a smile in her voice. “At the other end of the catheter are two tubes. One is for the outflow and the other is for the inflow. This will take about 4-6 hours and you might experience some side-effects. Especially considering your lung condition and your, um...overdose. Call your nurse if you feel anything.” She informed me.

“‘K” I whispered. She patted my knee and everyone left. I didn’t want to move so I just layed there as still as possible.

“We’ll be back in a little bit to check on you.” And then I was alone.

Terri rushed up to Monica. “I have been looking for you all day!”

Monica nodded absently. She wasn’t very please with Terri right now. She had found out about Terri calling the National Enquirer several days ago and was livid. How could Terri do that?! For all the years of being best friends, Monica had never seen this side of Monica.

“Have you seen the mob outside?! It’s huge!” Exclaimed Terri, excitedly.

“Yeah, I saw them.” Monica mumbled. She started to move past her to grab a few charts that needed tending.

“I just gave a couple interviews. It’ll be on tonight’s news. Think of the exposure this is giving me!” Terri was grinning gleefully.

Monica stared at her in disbelief. “Haven’t you thought that maybe they might want a little privacy here? When people start getting wind of what you did you could get fired!”

“No I wouldn’t. Freedom of speech. Besides Brian, or whatever his name is, shouldn’t have gone off on me like that. I mean geez! You should have heard the way he was talking to me!”

Monica exploded. “Dammit Terri, do you blame him? Honestly? You are telling the whole world that his best friend is suicidal! Come on!”

“The people have a right to know.” Terri said hotly.

“No they don’t! That is their personal business. Not ours or anyone else’s! What has gotten into you?” Monica glared at her.

“Please, Mon, don’t tell me that this doesn’t excite you just a little bit. It doesn’t get any juicier than this. Nick Carter tried to kill himself and in the process took some other girl down with him. He, more than anyone should have the perfect life, and yet he does this? Why? And who is this other chick? How does she play into it? Why would she do such an insane thing?” Her eyes were glowing.

Monica felt like she was going to be ill. “You must think this is some sort of game. Do you realize that these are people’s lives? Neither one of them are looking too good at the moment. How can you be so sick?! It’s like I don’t even know you!”

“Oh relax, sheesh.” Terri waved her hand as if dismissing Monica’s anger.

“Look...” Monica started icily. But she was cut of by a doctor that was running by.

“Monica, I need you. A young male just collapsed.” He called.

Brian woke up finding himself laying on a stretcher in the emergency room. He started to sit up but was immediately pushed back down by a surgical gloved hand.

“Lay back down, okay?”

Brian looked up at the voice and saw that it was Kyung. He felt a little relief, but then winced as he felt a needle plunge into a vein in his arm. He noticed also that they had an IV going.

“I don’t have time for this, I’m okay,” Brian protested.

“You collapsed in the hall way, Brian, that’s not normal,” Kyung reminded.

“Let them check you over and then decide, okay? I’m sure they will do what’s best for you,” Kyung stated. “I’ll stay with you while they take you down for the CT.”

“CT? I said I’m fine, why do they insist on doing so many things?” Brian asked, his voice sounded agitated.

“Like I said before, you collapsed, they just want to make sure everything is alright. Just humor them, okay?”

Brian was upset at the thought of being dragged through the emergency room, but deep down he knew that Kyung was right. He already made his mind up that he collapsed because of all that was happening, but he would just wait until the doctors decided that is what they would diagnose.

Lizz drew herself to the conclusion that dialysis sucked. There were no other two ways about it. The topical anesthetic that was applied to numb her neck was wearing off and she felt more aware of the needles. She mentally reprimanded herself for drinking the albuterol that pushed her kidneys to the limit. But still, she knew deep down that should would do it again if the situation was there.

She lazily surfed throught the channels looking for something to watch. Lizz stopped on Mtv. She figured music could soothe her nerves and maybe wear her down so she could rest.

They were having the top 10 countdown on TRL and, as usual, someone from n’sync was sucking up to Carson Daly. Lizz laughed when she remembered her online buddy Lisa always said that n’sync lived in a dumpster behind the studios.

The One video was shown and Lizz suddenly found herself thinking about how Nick was doing but the next thought that popped into her head was the fact that Kyung had not returned from checking back with Brian. She immediately started thinking the worst scenarios and looked for the nurse call button.

Caroline, her dialysis nurse came immediately into the room. “Something wrong, sweetie?”

“Kyung was supposed to come back and I haven’t seen her. You know her, right?” Lizz asked with a hopeful tone in her voice.

“Sorry, I don’t,” Caroline apologized.

“Dammit, I need to page her or something, this is crazy,” Lizz stated as she squirmed in her bed.

“Calm down Lizz, don’t get yourself worked up now. What’s the number?” Caroline asked.

Lizz gave Caroline the pager number. She wrote it down and promised that she would page Kyung when she got back to the nurse’s station.

Terri followed Monica to the ER and saw them working on Brian Littrell. She faded back into a doorway when the gurney was pushed past her. Once she knew that Monica was busy with Brian, Terri decided to wander up to Nick Carter’s room and see what was going on with him. She knew the National Enquirer could use more updated information and she definitely was going to get it. They told her if she could provide photos, it would push up the payment she would get by thousands depending on the quality of the picture.

Grabbing her cleaning cart, Terri slowly pushed it down the ICU hall way. There was no mistaking which room was Nick Carter’s. There was a security guard assigned outside the room. She nonchalantly breezed up to the door with her cart and showed the guard her identification tag.

I was starting to feel slightly nauseated now. I had a relatively tough stomach so I tried my best to ignore it. TRL was over so I flipped the channel. I never watched TV anymore so I didn’t know what was on. I couldn’t keep my mind on that anyway. The churning feeling in my stomach got worse only it wasn’t just nausea. It was also a clenching, twisting feeling. This was different. I started to feel agitated. What the hell? My whole body got tense like there was something wrong. It was something kin to a sixth sense. I knew something was wrong. And I knew what it was concerned with.

The machines started to make some beeping noises. It was the heart monitor. My heart was racing and I could only attribute it to what was happening so suddenly. I knew a racing heart could be a side effect to the dialysis, but this felt different somehow. It was starting to scare me.

Not five seconds are the beeps started going off, Caroline rushed in. “Sweetie, what is it?” She asked.

I was starting to shake now. “What the hell?” I whispered.

“Relax, take a deep breath.” She instructed.

“This isn’t from the dialysis. It’s different.” I gasped urgently. It was starting to sink in what was happening to me, but I couldn’t tell her. She would think I was nuts. Hell, I was beginning to question it myself.

“Lizz, you need to calm down.” She said gently, but sternly.

I shook my head. “What is going on with Nick? I need to know.” I couldn’t stop shaking. I was so tense, my muscles began to ache. My breathing became erratic almost. I needed to know.

“Sweetie, now isn’t the time.” She said carefully as she adjusted my oxygen flow.

“Where is Kyung?” I was beginning to grow desperate. There was urgency in my feelings and it was beginning to take me over.

“She, uh, is tied up with a patient.” Caroline looked uncomfortable.

I needed Kyung. I was on the verge of losing it. I had never been in such a state as this in my life. I knew what was making me do this, but I didn’t know how or why it hit so suddenly. Something was wrong. “What is happening with Nick? I know something is wrong. He is upset about something and I have to know what it is!” My eyes darted wildly.

She looked shocked. It was almost like she couldn’t fathom my behavior. All I knew was that the tension in my body was getting stronger and the desperation was spinning me out of control. I felt like I was beginning to unravel and I tried to fight the overwhelming panic. There was a battle going on inside me. But it wasn’t my battle. I was feeling Nick’s.

I was expecting to see my nurse named Allison come into the room when I heard the door opening. I wasn't surprised to see a girl from housekeeping come in with her cart. I decided I needed to try and see if I could move my right hand yet.

"Hi, how are you today?"

I couldn't answer this girl if I wanted to. Hell, I couldn't smile either. I know I must have looked like a total idiot, staring blankly at her, but there was nothing I could do, period.

"Oh my god, you can't talk, can you?"

This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I wanted to get this girl out of my room but I knew I couldn't order her out.

As Terri pulled the camera out of her pocket, she thought she saw Nick's eyes flash with anger. She ignored it and started firing off picture after picture of Nick lying helpless in a hospital bed.

The monitors on the side of Nick's bed started beeping as his heart rate soared and his oxygen levels plummeted. Nick started hyperventilating which caused Terri to panic. She quickly shoved the camera into her pocket and started to reach for the nurse call button when Nurse Allison Harding rushed into the room.

Allison was surveying the situation when another nurse raced in. Allison barked out some type of medication that was to be given to Nick STAT and the nurse quickly turned and left the room, re-entering in a few moments with a syringe.

Terri watched off to the side of the room as the nurse quickly swabbed Nick's IV line and injected the medication into the IV. Within seconds, the heart rate evened out and the monitors stopped their repetitive beeping. Nick's whole body went limp as he drifted back off to sleep.

After Allison checked the lines going from Nick's body to the machines, she turned and faced Terri.

"Tell me, what exactly happened in here?" Allison asked, her eyes searching Terri's face for a clue.

"I don't know, all I was doing was cleaning and all of a sudden his machines started going crazy," Terri lied to the nurse.

Back at the nurse's station, Allison pulled Nick's chart and opened it to the nurse's note page. In it she described what went on with Nick and then next to it wrote the words "panic attack."

"You know that you're doing this against doctor's advisement," Dr. Knapp stated as Brian continued to get dressed.

"Yeah, I know and I already signed the papers, okay? I honestly don't have time to lie around in a hospital bed. It was just fluky that I fainted in the hall, but trust me, I don't intend on fainting again, okay? I appreciate all you've done for me, but I'm needed with my friend now," Brian replied.

"Mister Littrell, you're suffering from exhaustion and you need to rest," Dr. Knapp pressed.

Brian waived the doctor off. "I'm sorry, but I honestly don't have time to be exhausted. Nick needs me. Thank you for your help," Brian half apologized as he walked out of the room, leaving the doctor standing in the center, holding Brian's chart.

Once outside in the hall, Brian fell against the wall as a wave of dizziness hit him. He glanced right and left before he straightened up and started walking down the hall towards the elevators that would take him up to ICU.

“Lizz, please, you need to calm down. What’s wrong? Lizz!” Caroline cried in frustration.

I couldn’t even think straight. I was so scared. More than I ever have been in my life. Over and over I just murmured, “God, please help Nick. Help him.” I didn’t know why this was happening; I only knew that it was somehow connected to Nick.

I didn’t even notice the other people that had rushed into my room. I didn’t notice one of them put something into my IV. Everything stared to grow hazy and I fought it. I felt like, whatever this was, I had to hold onto it. Keep praying. That option was taken out of my hands as the medicine started to take effect and I lost consciousness.

Relieved that no one had seen him hit the wall, Brian continued carefully towards Nick’s room. He knew that Kyung was also frustrated that he had decided not to let the doctors keep him in bed and even run more tests if necessary. It didn’t matter though. He was needed by Nick and that was where he planned on being.

Once in the elevator another wave hit him and he leaned heavily against the wall. He felt empty inside. Like someone had drained him completely of all energy. His eyes were heavy, yet he knew that he wouldn’t sleep. He had barely eaten anything since this had started and had gotten even less sleep. He probably hadn’t even had fifteen hours in the past 5 days. And even those hours were disturbed and even nightmare filled. When he reached for the button for his floor he noticed that he was shaking slightly so he shoved his hands into his pockets.

He decided to stop in the restroom to splash some cold water on his face. That seemd to help. When he came out, he saw Kyung step out of one of the elevators. She looked concerned.

“Kyung?” He called.

She stopped and walked over to him. “I just got a page from this floor and it has Lizz’s code in it. I’m sure everything is okay, she is probably feeling sort of crappy from the dialysis.”

“I was on my way to see Nick.” Brian stated as he shifted his face away from her. He had a feeling she was going to say something. He was right.

“Brian, you look horrible. You need to rest!” She admonished.

He repeated what he had told Dr. Knapp. “I don’t have time to rest. I need to be there for Nick.”

Kyung groaned. “Honestly, you are acting like Lizz and Nick do. You are supposed to be more level-headed than that. What good are you going to be to him if you get sick because that is the direction that you are headed?” She pointed out.

He gave her a wan smile. “I’m fine.” Then another wave of dizziness hit him and he started to sway.

“Fine, right!” Kyung exclaimed, rolling her eyes. She steadied him and led him to a bench. “Stay there and I will be right back. You aren’t moving until you eat something.”

With that she went to the small kitchen to find something for him, trusting he would stay there. She didn’t even know if he would be able to even stand up.

Caroline, Lizz’s dialysis nurse, was visibly shaken by what she had read. Lizz’s other nurse had made a note in her chart that Lizz had just had a panic attack. Like Lizz had requested, Caroline checked on Nick. His chart read that he had just experienced a panic attack also. How could that have happened? It must be some sort of mistake, she thought. She recognized the initials underneath as Allison’s and called her over.

“What is it?” Allison asked.

“Patient in 13 just had a panic attack?” Caroline asked carefully.

Allison hesitated. “Yes, why do you ask?”

Caroline merely pointed to the two charts laying side by side.

“Patient in 15 just did also?” Allison’s voice was skeptical.

Caroline nodded. “She had to be sedated. Al, look at this. That is Nick Carter. This girl is the one who drank whatever she did in order to stop him from trying to kill himself. Explain this to me.” She said as she pointed in turn to each chart. “They both had them at the same time. How is that possible? How is that a coincidence?” She demanded.

“I, uh, don’t know.” Allison said uneasily. “That is really weird.”

“It gets weirder. When she started to panic, her focus was on Nick. She kept saying that something was wrong. It came totally out of the blue. She hasn’t talked to him or anything.”

The two women continued to talk about it, not realizing that someone was listening to every word of their conversation. Terri vowed that later she would make photo copies of the part in their charts that mentioned that happening. She was dumbfounded by it, but it excited her because she figured that would bring in even more money. For now she would try to get a few pictures of this other girl. She was a little hesitant at first because of what had happened to Nick, but this other chick was out cold so she could get away with it.

She pushed her cart down the hall and tried to act nonchalant as she went inside. The room was dark with the blinds drawn and no lights on. Only what shone in through the curtain. All the machines beeped steadily now, unlike Nick’s had. The girl looked peaceful and it seemed odd that she would after what she just went through according to the nurses. Terri decided she would like some of whatever was given to the girl.

She whipped out her camera and began snapping away. When the button wouldn’t push she realized that the roll was full and she needed to get more film. Satisfied that she hadn’t been discovered, she emptied the camera and dropped the roll into her pocket. She had a delivery to make.

As Barbara McKean walked down the long hallway past the cafeteria and to the main lobby, thoughts were still running through her mind about that kid’s parents and that one boy again. As much as she tried to push the thoughts out of her mind, they kept re-entering, haunting her, hounding her, not letting up almost as if it were insisting that she do something.

She knew that Nick Carter was a high profile patient in the hospital. She knew how important he must be when she pulled into the employee parking lot when she reported for her 7am shift. There were hundreds of girls, ages varied, standing on the front lawn which had started to spill out onto the sidewalk and part of the parking lot. Many were holding pictures of that patient.

“I have to do something, but I need my job,” Barbara sighed as she walked past the gift shop. The newspaper rack made her stop. Staring back at her was a tabloid with a picture of this poor kid lying in bed and split next to it was a picture of a young girl, also lying in a hospital bed, unconscious. Barbara grabbed a copy of the paper and slammed a five dollar bill on the counter with the paper.

“Hey Barb, bad day or something?” Bruce, the volunteer clerk in the shop asked.

“You could say that,” Barbara mumbled.

“I didn’t think you were the National Enquirer type of a person,” Bruce chuckled as he rang up her purchase.

“I’m not,” Nurse McKean snapped back.

Bruce leaned back away from her as if she had taken a swing at him. “Whoa, you are a little testy today.”

The nurse grabbed the paper and the change and spun around on her heels and stormed off out of the shop. Once she got into the elevator, she could feel her heart pounding as if it would leap out of her chest. She thumbed through the magazine until she reached the Nick Carter article.

When the elevator stopped, she quickly folded the paper under her arm and exited the car. She went directly to the nurses lounge on that floor and took a seat off in the corner near a lamp and started reading the article:

BAD DAY IN BSB LAND FOR NICK CARTER In apparent suicide attempt, Nick Carter overdosed on the tour bus while they were en-route to their next stop in the Midwest. Carter was online with a fan and spelled out his intentions to her. Things went from bad to worse when the fan followed Carter’s actions and drank a bottle of some type of asthma medication that caused her heart to speed up and nearly explode.

This did not end with a death, rather this has unfolded into a battle for their lives! Nick Carter has suffered brain damage and it looks now that he will never be onstage ever again as this has left him without the ability to speak or move! The girl has permanent kidney damage and will require a transplant to save her life!

We are following this soap opera saga and will continue to provide updates and photos as we received them from our reliable source inside the hospital in Oklahoma City where they are being cared for.

Nurse McKean’s hands shook with the rage that was filling her body. She needed to get a hold of herself and calm down, but she couldn’t. The mere thought that Dr. Minnick would be walking away from this Scot-free upset her. Her dilemma was clear: expose Dr. Minnick’s error and lose her job because of the incident that happened 20 years ago or ignore it ever happened and watch this kid’s life be ripped from him.

All through that night Kyung had kept a vigil at Lizz’s bed. Brian had done the same with Nick, much to Kyung’s frustration. She had managed to get him to eat a few crackers yesterday after he had nearly passed out again. He was just so damned stubborn. Once, at about 3 am, she went to Nick’s room to check on them. She was relieved to see Brian was curled up in the corner of the chair, asleep. Unfortunately that didn’t even last an hour because he came to see how Lizz was about 45 minutes after that. He didn’t go back to sleep.

Kyung sighed and rubbed her eyes. It was only a little after 7 am. Her shift would be starting in less than three hours. She watched Lizz sleep and her thoughts drifted to the day before when she and Brian had learned what had happened.

….She had returned from the kitchen to find Brian leaning forward, his head in his hands. She frowned, used to seeing him in that position. After giving him the graham crackers they both walked over to the nurse’s station.

Caroline immediately rushed up to them. Kyung was disturbed by the look on her face. She almost looked scared.

“Kyung right?” She asked.

Kyung nodded.

“Has Lizz had a history of panic attacks that you know of?” She asked.

Kyung shook her head slowly. “No, never.” Where was this going?

Caroline shifted her attention to Brian. “Has Nick?”

Brian shifted uncomfortably. That was too personal of information to be giving out to some random nurse. “Why, do you ask?”

“Please, it is very important!” Caroline stressed.

Both Kyung and Brian could see hear the urgency in this nurse’s voice and they glanced at each other. Finally Brian nodded slightly.

“But Lizz never has? Are you sure of this? Could she be prone to one?” Caroline persisted.

“No, of course not. I would know, she’s my best friend. What is going on?” Kyung demanded.

Caroline leaned forward. “Nick just had one.”

Upon hearing that, Brian shut his eyes. That was the last thing that Nick needed. What had brought this on? He then felt a pang of guilt. If he had been there...

Caroline continued. “At the same time, apparently, Lizz also experienced one.”

Kyung’s mouth fell open. “Lizz did?! Why?!” She exclaimed.

“We don’t know, but it had something to do with Nick. She was very insistent that something was wrong with him. She kept repeating that, and getting more and more upset. Her monitors started to go haywire and she had to be sedated. There was no way that she could have known that Nick was having a panic attack at the very same time. There aren’t phones in the rooms and she, of course, couldn’t go anywhere hooked up to the dialysis. Not to mention that Nick can’t even speak. There was no way that she could have known!” Caroline stated in awe.

Brian looked like he might faint again and Kyung could only stare at the nurse in shock. This was unfathomable. Lizz had never in her life had anything like that happen to her. She couldn’t imagine how this was possible.

“Wait, I’ll show you.” Caroline went to go get the two charts. She brought them back and laid them on the counter. When she opened them, however, those pages were missing. “What on earth?!”

She whirled around. “Allison! What happened to the notes that were just written about the panic attacks?”

Allison looked up from her charting and gave a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

“The pages aren’t in here!” Caroline exclaimed. “Who would have taken them?”

Allison began to rummage around the desk. “I don’t know. The only people that were even in here were you, Marissa, but she was not even over here, and a girl from housekeeping.”

Kyung and Brian exchanged nervous glances. That didn’t sound good.

. “I’m sure they will turn up.” Caroline assured them.

Kyung sighed again as her thoughts returned to the present. Lizz had remained knocked out all night. Whatever they had given her was obviously pretty strong. Nick had woken up once, but he got agitated and had to be sedated again. Everyone was still puzzled over the whole situation, but at least one of the nurses had found the missing chart papers. They were actually back in the chart where they should have been in the first place. Kyung wasn’t sure why, but that unnerved her. As did Lizz having a panic attack and why it seemed to be connected to Nick’s. It frustrated Kyung because she liked to have concrete answers to things. This was something that she couldn’t figure out. There was a knock at the door and a second later Brian let himself in. The look on his face was ashen and his eyes were red.

“How’s Nick?” Lizz croaked, her throat was dry and scratchy.

Kyung grabbed the glass of ice water from the bed stand and placed the straw near Lizz’s mouth.

“Sh-h-h-h, just keep still, sweetie,” Kyung soothed.

Lizz shook her head slowly. “No, I need to know!”

The heart monitor started to ring quickly, indicating that Lizz’s pulse was racing again. It stopped as fast as it started.

Brian eyed the machine warily. “Lizz, Nick is just fine, please; you have to concentrate on your own health.” Brian felt awful about lying to her, but he knew deep down that Lizz would accept anything he told her and she would quiet down.

Satisfied with Brian’s reply, Lizz smiled slightly. Her eyes burned, she was so drained of energy, she almost wanted to give up this whole fight, her body felt weak and tired but Lizz knew she had to continue on focusing in getting better for Nick, Kyung and even Brian at this point.

Lizz frowned.

“What’s wrong?” Kyung asked, the concerned look on her face mirrored Lizz’s frown.

Lizz looked directly into Brian’s blue eyes. “How come Nick is alone in his room?”

Brian met Lizz’s stare. “Because he’s sleeping.” Brian wasn’t going to add any more information but the decided to add an additional piece, “His folks are in his room with him.”

Lizz noticed the paper tucked under Kyung’s arm. “Can I see your paper?”

Kyung glanced nervously over at Brian. “Um, this is an old paper, you’ve probably already read it.”

“Oh, come on, lemme see it,” Lizz insisted, grabbing the paper out from under Kyung’s arm.

Stunned, Brian and Kyung waited for Lizz’s reaction to the headlines.

I have never thought my mother looked old, but at this moment she looked as if she had aged sixty years. Her eyes were bloodshot, like Brian’s and I could tell she had been crying. My dad didn’t look much better. I wanted to say something to reassure them, but I couldn’t do a damn thing no matter how much I wanted to.

I looked around the room for that girl from housekeeping.

“Nicky? Sweetheart? What’s wrong?” Jane asked as she smoothed the blankets up upon Nick’s chest.

God, I wanted to tell her what had happened with that girl, the photos she took and the things she was saying. I was growing frustrated and I started feeling the characteristic feelings of those stupid panic attacks I had been prone to having. I knew damn well that I wasn’t on the meds I needed to prevent them. The monitor next to my bed starting its steady pinging noise as I started to feel my heart beating hard against my chest.

“Nick, calm down,” Bob Carter directed towards his son.

I tried to take my thoughts away from that housekeeping girl named Terri. I had her face ingrained in my mind. I would never forget her and I planned on telling someone about her as soon as I could..... or could I tell someone now? I swallowed hard and concentrated on the girl’s name..... Terri.

“Ma.”

What the hell, that wasn’t the word I wanted. Was my brain short-circuiting or something? My mom was appreciative of the word, she was smiling, I, however, was dying inside.

Okay Nick, let’s try this again, I desperately coached myself. I coughed slightly, trying to clear my throat.

“Ma.”

“Yes honey, I’m here for you,” Jane replied with tears in her eyes.

I stared at the paper, not believing what I was seeing. On one side it was a picture of Nick in his bed, unconscious. It was split, with me on the other side. I could see the dialysis machines in the background. This just happened? I couldn’t even say anything. I could only stare at the cover. I felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces. This wasn’t going to be hidden from anyone. Who had done this?! Finally I tore my eyes away and looked up at Kyung, then Brian. They both watched me expectantly. I think they were waiting for me to start freaking out or get really angry like I knew my temper would let me. Truth was, at this very moment, I couldn’t. I felt so drained. So broken by it. A single tear slipped down my cheek.

“Lizz...” Kyung began as she moved towards me. I shook my head and closed my eyes. I couldn’t do it right now. I felt so hopeless at that moment. I knew what Kyung was thinking. She knew that it was my nature to push people away when I was hurting. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew that if she so much as gave me the smallest of hugs, that I would totally break. I didn’t want to do that. Not in front of Kyung. Especially not in front of Brian, who looked like he was already struggling. And more than anything, not for Nick. I had no choice. I had to be strong. Unfortunately it was getting harder.

Brain glanced at Kyung. This was not the reaction that he expected out of Lizz. He had thought she would break down. Instead she remained calmer that he would have thought possible. When she had finally looked up at them, he could see it in her eyes. He could see the pain. His heart literally ached. When Kyung had tried to go over to Lizz, Lizz shook her head and shut her eyes.

Kyung threw Brian a pained look. Lizz still was sitting there quietly, eyes closed. Occasionally a tear would slip out. A few awkward minutes passed and then suddenly her eyes flew open.

“Oh god! It’s happening again!” Lizz cried.

“What?!” Kyung jumped up. Brian’s eyes widened.

The heart monitor started to beep faster. Kyung stared up at it and watched in amazement and horror as the rate kept climbing. “Lizz, what’s wrong?” Kyung demanded.

“It’s Nick. Something’s wrong. Oh god.” Lizz choked out as she clutched her midsection.

Brian shook his head. “He was sleeping. Lizz, he’s fine.”

Lizz shook her head and started to throw back the covers. She was trembling. “I don’t know what it is, but something is wrong! I have to get to his room.”

“I’ll get her nurse.” Kyung said quickly as she rushed out the door.

Brian nodded as he gently pushed Lizz back into her pillow. “You aren’t in any position to be getting up. Lizz, you need to relax. You’re just upset about the paper, okay? Nick is fine.” Brian tried to convince her.

But Lizz only grew more upset. “Listen, Brian, it isn’t the paper. It’s different. I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel it. He’s upset. I can feel it inside him. Oh god, make it stop!” She whimpered. “I can’t control it! Why is this happening?! What’s wrong with me?” She moaned. She was starting to gasp for air. She was shaking like a leaf.

Kyung and two other nurses burst into the room. One of them exclaimed softly, “she’s doing it again!” The other pushed a syringe full of sedative into Lizz’s IV.

Lizz could feel it taking effect and got even more agitated. “No! You can’t knock me out! I have to stay awake!” She cried out. Her eyes locked onto Brian. “Go help Nick.” She whispered urgently.

Brian nodded as Lizz’s eyes fell shut. He risked a glance at Kyung, who appeared to be fighting tears. The first nurse started to adjust the IV pump while the second nurse proceeded to ask Kyung what had happened.

At that moment another nurse poked her head through the door. “Trish, I need your help. Patient in 13 just had another one.”

Without a word, Brian pushed past the nurse in the doorway and into Nick’s room with Kyung right behind him. Nick’s heart monitor was beeping wildly. Jane was crying in her husband’s arms. Brian grabbed Nick’s hand and stared into the all too familiar look of fear and desperation in Nick’s eyes. It all became too much for Brian and once again, his world started to spin.

I laid there helplessly as I felt Brian’s grip on my hand quickly lessen and then he slipped to the floor. I desperately wanted to cry out in despair knowing that I somehow caused this to happen to Brian, but could only watch the room start to turn grey.

Nick’s nurse, Bethany waived smelling salts under Brian’s nose causing him to quickly start to cough. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at the faces of the people that were bent over staring at him. He soon realized that he was laying on the floor next to Nick’s bed.

“Wha... what happened?” Brian asked quietly.

“You must have fainted,” Bethany said as she reached an arm out for Brian to take along with Bob Carter offering an arm as well.

“Brian, I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so,” Kyung reprimanded.

Brian frowned as he looked at Kyung. “What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean. You have probably slept what, maybe a total of four hours and you haven’t eaten anything that I’ve seen yet. Brian you are making yourself sick, you have to slow down. I know I’m not the best person in a position to be a critic, but hell, at least I’m trying to eat something.

As he stood up, Brian noticed immediately how shaky his legs were. He tried to will them into stopping, but it didn’t work too well. Fortunately for him, the chair was right there and he collapsed into it.

A nurse named Monica brought in some ice water for Brian to sip on. As he took it into his hands, it accidentally slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor spilling the contents onto the floor.

Brian stared at the floor, looking at the ice and water lying in front of him.

“Sit tight, I’ll call housekeeping,” Kyung stated as she turned to leave the room.

“Son, you are not doing yourself on bit of good forcing yourself. Nick is going to get better, I’m sure of it, but nothing good will come out of this if you wind up in a hospital bed as well,” Bob Carter softly reprimanded Brian.

A girl dressed in flowered scrubs entered the room with a mop and a bucket. Brian glanced at her hospital ID badge. The girl’s name was Terri.

“I’m sorry about the mess,” Brian sheepishly apologized.

Terri smiled at Brian. “That’s okay, it’s my job to clean this up, don’t worry about it.”

“Brian, pushing the food around on the plate doesn’t count as eating.” Kyung scolded. He looked up at her and smiled tiredly. “Busted.”

They were sitting in the cafeteria, much to Brian’s protests. Kyung had finally convinced him, telling him that both Nick and Lizz would be out for awhile. Not to mention that Nick’s parents were there and they would also let them know if anything happened with Lizz. Kyung studied him carefully. He was still paler than a ghost and shaky. His eyes looked hollow and tired.

“Have Nick’s parents seen the Enquirer?” Kyung asked quietly.

Brian shook his head. “I can’t imagine what that is going to do to them.”

“I know. That thing only came out this morning and I can already see the damage. I called home to check our messages and there was one on there from Julia, one of our close friends back home. She had planned on coming down to see Lizz. Now she isn’t. I called her back to see what was up. She said that the more she has thought about this, the more that it upsets her and she really doesn’t want to see Lizz right now.”

Brian’s eyes widened. “Does she know how...how bad Lizz is?” He asked carefully.

Kyung looked down. “She knows. I don’t know how to tell Lizz. It’s really going to hurt her.”

“This just keeps getting worse and worse.” Brian muttered as he pushed his food around a little more.

Kyung was on her way back up to check on Lizz. Brian was, of course, back with Nick. Any time during that day that she had a moment’s peace, she went to check on Lizz. Her nurse just paged Kyung to tell her that Lizz was waking up finally.

Just as she was about to go into Lizz’s room a man in scrubs stopped her. Kyung recognized him as Lizz’s doctor.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Saxton. You’re Kyung right?” He stuck out his hand.

Kyung nodded and shook his hand.

“Have you had any luck contacting her parents?” He asked solemnly.

“No, they went on a trip and Lizz doesn’t know the number of where they will be staying. Is something wrong?”

The doctor frowned. “Well, I am a little discouraged by her lack of recovery. The Albuterol she consumed seems to have done more extensive damage then we had previously surmised.”

Kyung wasn’t sure she was following him right. Lizz wasn’t getting better?

“She didn’t take the dialysis very well. Of course she is on the transplant list, but that could take months to years. She doesn’t have that time, I’m afraid. Her health was already in a precarious state and now this may take her over the edge. It is imperative that she get a transplant very soon.” He stated gravely.

Kyung could only nod and mumble a “thanks.” As soon as the doctor left she sank against the wall, tears falling down her face. She didn’t know how she could handle losing Lizz. She had noticed that Lizz didn’t seem to be doing a whole lot better, but she figured that it would just take time. She hadn’t allowed herself to even consider that Lizz could die. She knew she should go in and talk to Lizz, but couldn’t. Not yet.

Instead she walked two doors down and knocked on Nick’s door. The security guard had come accustomed to Kyung and gave her a nod.

“Come in.”

She pushed open the door. Bob and Jane looked up at her with concern, seeing her tear-stained face. Brian was sitting on the edge of Nick’s bed. Nick’s eyes were open, but of course he wasn’t moving or talking. Brian glanced at Kyung and then did a double take.

“What’s wrong?” He asked in alarm.

Kyung started to tell him, but before she could get a word out, she dissolved into tears.

Brian stood up and held Kyung in his arms. She broke down into sobs and he was at a loss as how to comfort her.

“It’s.... it’s Lizz,” Kyung whimpered. “She’s...... she’s not getting ba.... better,” Kyung sighed, her breath sounded shaky.

Brian held her by her shoulders. “Calm down, take a deep breath,” he coached.

Kyung nodded and slowly exhaled. When she felt she was ready, she began to speak again. “Lizz needs a kidney transplant. The albuterol caused extensive damage to her kidneys.”

Brian’s mouth dropped open. He couldn’t believe this was happening. One stupid stunt that Nick had pulled was dragging someone along with him. He took a glance towards Nick, remembering he was awake and wondered if he understood and heard what was being said.

Brian’s heart sank when he looked at Nick. Tears were slipping down his cheeks, indicating that he not only heard about Lizz, but that he understood it as well. Jane kept rubbing Nick’s shoulder, talking to him in a soothing voice, everyone in the room was afraid that this news would produce another panic attack.

Deciding that this was the best time, if ever, to request the group that was present in the room to join hands in a prayer for Lizz, Brian bowed his head.

It was a few hours after I had heard the news about Lizz. I still couldn’t get over it. I had caused this because of my selfishness. There was only one way to fix it, but I couldn’t tell anybody of my intentions because I couldn’t speak. I was beginning to hate this body I was trapped in more and more.

My parents were in the room, sitting by the foot of my bed. They were softly talking so it was hard for me to understand what was being said by them.

A woman entered my room wearing really loud greenish colored scrubs. “Hi, my name is Carol and I’m from speech therapy,” the woman stated in an overly cheerful voice.

My parents attempted to leave the room, but Carol insisted that they stay. She turned her attention back towards me and pulled out big white cards with black drawings on one side of them.

“Okay Nick, we’re gonna try a simple exercise right now, just to test your range capabilities,” Carol stated as she stacked the cards on my bed stand. “I am going to show you a picture on a card and you have to tell me what it is. Are you ready?”

I managed to nod my head ever-so-slightly. The first picture she showed me was a ball. Easy word, I thought to myself. I sucked my lower lip in as I concentrated on the word. “Baaaaaaaawl.”

Okay that sounded close but it didn’t sound like my voice at all. I looked over at my parent’s to see their reaction to my speech. My mother looked upset, she put her hand to her mouth and then she stood up and rushed out of the room, my father was close behind her.

Carol had watched the Carter’s rush out of the room, obviously upset with how their son was doing, but she decided it was best to continue Nick’s therapy. Taking another card from the deck, she held it in front of his face.

Nurse Barbara McKean was walking past the ICU rooms on her way to Dr. Minnick’s office. She paused outside the door of Nick’s room. She could hear the speech therapist working with him. When Nick tried for the third time to pronounce a simple word properly, Nurse McKean knew that something had to be said to someone about what Dr. Minnick had done.

The more she thought about it, the more she was losing courage in doing something. The words about the screw up with Baby Boy Johnson rang in her ears. She clenched her fists and shook her head as if to clear the thoughts from her mind.

“Baaaaaawl.”

“Good Nick, let’s try this one now.”

Nurse McKean closed her eyes tightly; she wanted to shut out the sounds coming from that patient. She knew that this was an unnecessary tragedy.

“Hi, is there something I can help you with?”

A young man’s voice with a hint of a southern accent spun Barbara McKean from her thoughts. She turned around quickly to acknowledge the voice and found herself face to face with Brian Littrell.

Judging by the light that was trying to shine through my blinds, considerable time had passed. It was dark when I was knocked out. I had been awake for about forty-five minutes and still, no Kyung. My nurse paged her for me, but I guess she was caught up in something. I tried to wait patiently. It wasn’t like I could go anywhere anyway.

“Lizz?” Kyung opened the door softly. She walked in and gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed. She didn’t say anything, but the tears were words enough. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew that it wasn’t Nick that was making her cry. It was me.

“Kyung, please don’t cry for me.” I whispered. I hated how weak my voice sounded.

“But...” She started, but I could see that she was having a hard time with what she was trying to say. She bowed her head.

“Sweetie, I know.” I said softly.

She looked up in surprise. “H...how?” She stuttered.

I smiled sadly. “I just know. I can feel it.”

She raised her eyebrows and new tears welled up in her brown eyes.

“Hey, hey now. Don’t worry hun, I’m not giving up. I am going to fight this until the end. Whatever that end is. But I am not going to give up okay? You know me and you know that I am too damned stubborn to just let this win, right?” I squeezed her hand.

She nodded. “Still, Lizzie, I can’t lose you...” She stopped and buried her head in her hands. I could hear her trying to muffle her cries.

I don’t know how I managed, but I pushed myself up and wrapped my arms around her. I was trying so hard to be brave and being the strong one at this moment was not making it any easier. So, I began to cry too.

Brian immediately saw that the nurse was upset. Shaken might have been the more accurate term. She was standing outside Nick’s door and she seemed to be fighting a battle within herself. She looked like she wanted to be as far away from here as possible, but on the other hand, she looked almost as if she couldn’t tear herself away from whatever held her there. Something told Brian that this wasn’t just a nosy hospital employee and upon closer inspection, he recognized her as the nurse that accompanied the doctor that had relayed the horrible news about Nick. She wore a similar expression then too. It was a mix of guilt, horror, regret, compassion, and profound sadness. Brian reached out and gently touched her arm. “Is everything okay?”

She recoiled as if struck. The expression on her face changed and now all that was shown was fear.

Barbara could only stand there. This is your chance! Her mind screamed at her. You can’t just pretend that nothing ever happened. You have a responsibility to do what is right!

“I, uh...” Barbara stammered. What about Baby Boy Johnson? Do you want to lose your job? She argued with herself.

The look in this poor boy’s eyes that was standing in front of her! She could see what this was doing to him. He was watching someone he loved very much slip away from him and there was nothing he could do about it. But you can! But then Dr. Minnick’s cruel, hard voice echoed in her mind. "Remember the Baby Boy Johnson case? You were at fault in that one by your own mistakes, so you see, Nurse McKean, I am not going down alone, I will take anyone I can with me."

"I...I'm sorry." She whispered before turning around sharply and practically running down the hall. Before Brian could even say anything, she had disappeared out the ICU doors. He started to go into Nick's room, but something told him not to let this go.

Finally Kyung's tears had subsided and we broke apart. I really felt horrible now, making her cry like that. She never cries. We sat there quietly for a few minutes.

Finally I spoke up. "Kyung, I want to know what is happening with Nick. I know that there is more going on with him than you and Brian will tell me. I need to know."

She looked pained. "We just didn't want you to get upset."

I gave her a look. "Come on, I had two panic attacks that I know had something to do with him. Not knowing what is going on is killing me here."

She sighed. "Lizz, Nick had a stroke. The neurologist said it was caused by the last seizure he had. His movement is very limited and he can't really talk."

I could have sworn a piece of my heart broke just then. "Is he aware of his surroundings and stuff?" I whispered.

Kyung thought back to his reaction when she had broken the news about the lack of Lizz's recovery. "Yeah, he is."

I nodded slowly. It was taking all of my self control to not completely fall apart. The thought of that happening to Nick was killing me. I should have been able to stop it!"I want to see him." I knew it was a long shot, but hell.

Not surprisingly, Kyung shook her head. "Sweetie, you don't have near the strength for that."

"Then you might as well just move me into his room because that is where I plan on being until he gets better." I said.

"Lizz, be real." She frowned at me.

"I am being real. I need to be there. You know full well that I will get myself in there with or without anyone's help. I've done it twice before." My stubbornness was definitely showing.

"It is against hospital policy and you know that. You just plain don't have the strength right now. You need to focus on getting better and resting." She was getting stressed now.

"Well they need to bend their policy then! I won't be able to rest if I am going to be constantly worried about him. And you know that." I wasn't going to let this go.

Finally she relented. "Okay, I will take you in there for awhile, but as soon as you even start to feel like you are going to pass out or like you need to lie down, you tell me! Cause if something happens to you in there, I guarantee you that I will not let you out of this bed again!" She looked so forceful that I had to smile. I don't think I ever had a friend as protective as Kyung.

"I don't know what you are smiling about. I am not happy with you doing this." She frowned at me.

I made a "pissed off" face to mock hers and she finally smiled back.

"You are a punk." She informed me as she got the portable oxygen tank ready. She gave me a look as if to warn me not to argue about the oxygen, but she didn't have to worry about that. After that she went and told my nurse the plan and then came back in to help me into the wheelchair.

Just as she was unplugging the IV pump from the outlet, there was a knock on the door. Without waiting for an answer, Brian let himself in.

"Kyung, I need..." He started breathlessly. He stopped mid-sentence when he saw me in the wheelchair. "What's going on?" He asked, frowning.

"She won't give up. Brian, I honestly tried, but she is so damned stubborn." Kyung rolled her eyes at me.

I gave him an innocent smile and he just shook his head.

"Lizz, you aren't doing yourself any good." He scolded gently.

I shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

Kyung shot him a look as if to say "see?!"

"Since you are here, you can help me get her, the oxygen tank, and her IV pole to his room." Kyung informed Brian.

Brian laughed. "Glad to see I am useful for something." Then he sobered. "Actually, I need you to help me. I need you to help me find a nurse. Her name is Barbara."

Kyung and I glanced at each other. A sense of urgency was written all over Brian's face.

"Why? What's going on?" I asked him.

"I don't know, but for some reason, I think she might be able to tell us."

Barbara McKean closed her eyes as she leaned against the wall inside Dr. Minnick’s office. When she opened her eyes, she was greeted face to face with her reflection in the curio cabinet that was in the corner of the room. She was fighting the demons inside of her mind. One was telling her to walk away and forget this ever happened, the other telling her to talk to that friend of the patient’s and explain the error of the medication that Dr. Minnick had given.

Barbara shook her head as if to clear her mind. She slipped her purse off of her shoulder and opened her bottom desk drawer. As she went to close the drawer, she noticed the shakiness of her hands and clasped them together to try and still them.

Picking up the phone, she dialed the extension to the ICU nurse’s station.

“Three west, this is Monica.”

“This is Nurse McKean, Dr. Minnick would like the chart to the patient in ICU-13, can it be delivered to his office stat or do I need to come down?” Barbara swallowed hard, she knew her voice was shaky but she was praying that it wouldn’t give her away.

“I can have someone bring it down right away,” Monica replied as she walked over and pulled the chart and handed it to the LPN that was standing near her. “Take this to Dr. Minnick’s nurse, stat,” she told the nurse. “She’s on her way.”

“Thank you,” Barbara replied and hung the phone up.

Only a few moments passed when there was a soft knock on the office door.

“Come in,” Nurse McKean ordered. A young nurse wearing blue scrubs peeked her face around the door, holding a silver clipboard.

“I have the chart you requested,” she said with a smile.

Barbara held her hand out and the young nurse gave it to her. “Just call the station when you are done with it and someone will come down and get it.”

Barbara managed a thin smile and nodded. Once the girl left the office, she quickly flipped open the chart and thumbed through it to the doctor’s notes and progress reports.

Brian pushed Lizz down the hall towards Nick’s room. Kyung walk along side the wheel chair guiding the IV pump. Lizz was thinking to herself about how much she hated having the oxygen on her face but she knew she couldn’t argue with Kyung anyway. She also knew that Nick more than likely would have oxygen on as well.

“Nick’s parents went back to the hotel for a bit so I am guess that he’s probably sleeping right now,” Brian said in an apologetic tone.

“That’s okay, I don’t care if he’s sleeping, I just need to see him,” Lizz insisted.

Lizz could feel her heart beating rapidly as they entered Nick’s room. All she could think of was the typical visions of stroke victims, that his face would be drooping on one side, slurred speech, and the whole package. As her eyes rested on his face, she found him not to look like any of the images her mind had allowed. Nick looked just like Nick, just asleep.

The IV pump started beeping and Kyung quickly scrambled to silence it. Nick’s eyes fluttered open when he heard the scuffling from Kyung’s feet on the tile. He smiled slightly at Lizz and then frowned.

“I know, she is so damned stubborn Nick, she insisted that she come to see you,” Brian explained.

“Hey Nick, how are you feeling?” Lizz asked softly.

I licked my lips, I wanted to say something to Lizz but I knew I wasn’t capable. I didn’t want to upset her. I just smiled again hoping that she would just leave it at that. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t let it go at that.

“I hear your parent’s have been here.”

I managed a slight nod.

“I told Kyung that they should allow us to stay in a room together because both you and I are worried about each other,” Lizz said staring at Nick’s face. “Aren’t you gonna say anything?”

Shit, I knew she wouldn’t just take simple smiles and nods as talking to her. I really didn’t want to say anything because any word I wanted to say didn’t come out and lately any word I did form was not a very pleasant one. I about died a few hours ago when I said ‘fuck off’ to my mother. She about died. Lizz was still being persistent.

“Come on Nick, just one word, please?”

Brian placed a hand on Lizz’s shoulder. “I really don’t think this is a good time right now.”

“Why not? I know about the stroke I’m sure his speech has been affected, but I just want him to say something,” Lizz persisted.

Okay, one word and she would get off my back about speaking. I wanted to tell her that I was feeling better. I formed the sentence in my mind. I took a deep breath in, “Shit you bitch.”

The reaction on Lizz’s face told me that she definitely wasn’t expecting that from my mouth. To be honest, neither was I.

“Lizz, the thought process in his brain is twisted right now, he didn’t mean to say that,” Kyung quickly replied.

Lizz tried to blink the tears away from her eyes. She didn’t want Nick to see her cry but this was upsetting to think that he couldn’t even talk a small sentence. “I know,” she managed to whisper. She looked back up at Nick’s face only to see tears slipping down his cheeks.

Lizz reached out and took Nick’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

"I think I upset him, maybe I should go back." I looked back at Brian and Kyung. But before they could answer, Nick squeezed my hand. I turned back to him and he was shaking his head slowly. I nodded. "Okay."

Brian and Kyung exchanged looks. "Lizz, Kyung and I need to go find that Barbara nurse. Will you be okay in here for a little bit?" He asked me.

"I'll be fine." I thought I was doing a pretty good job hiding my exhaustion.

"Call your nurse if you need to go lay down. And remember what I said. If you pass out or anything, I am not letting you out of that bed again." Kyung said sternly.

I smiled. "I know, I know." Brian and Kyung left and it was just Nick and I.

"I'm sorry that I kept pushing you to say something. I shouldn't have done that. I know you didn't mean what you said okay? Please don't cry." I said softly.

He gave me a small smile. Then his eyes got a questioning look. I knew he didn't want to try to talk again though.

"Are you wanting to know what they are doing?" I asked him, gesturing towards where Kyung and Brian just went off to.

He nodded.

"Well, I'm not totally sure. Brian came rushing into my room all anxious to go find some nurse named Barbara. He said that she might be able to tell us what is going on, whatever that means." I explained. That made me realize that I had no idea what Brian was talking about either. I glanced up at Nick and he got that look again. Then he squeezed my hand again. Shit, I hope he wasn't trying to ask about me.

"So, uh, I saw TRL the other day. You would have..." I stopped when Nick squeezed my hand again. This time harder. I looked at him and he locked his eyes onto mine. He wasn't going to let this go, just like I wouldn't let his not talking go. I sighed. How could I tell him that I didn't have much time left unless I got a transplant. "I'm doing better." I said carefully.

He narrowed his eyes and shook his head. Shit! He knew? I lowered my head, feeling the tears come again.

"Okay, now why do you think that Barbara knows what's going on?" Kyung asked Brian as they headed towards the nurses station.

"When I was going back into Nick's room I saw her standing out in front of it. I can't begin to describe the expression on her face. She looked torn. When I started to talk to her she looked like she wanted to tell me something, but then suddenly she got scared and ran down the hall. It was really strange." Brian explained.

Kyung pondered that. "You know, she is Dr. Minnick's nurse. She has been working under him for a long time, as far as I know. Isn't Dr. Minnick one of the doctors working with Nick? Like with the induced coma?"

Brian nodded slowly. Things were starting to click, but there were still too many missing pieces. "Something's not right with all this."

"I agree." Kyung said. They reached the nurses station and Kyung went to go talk to Monica. She returned a moment later smiling.

"What?" Brian asked anxiously.

"She is in his office." Kyung grinned smugly.

They headed down there quickly and stopped in front of the door. Brian lifted his hand to knock.

"Please...what...are doing...wrong! Do...damage...this boy's..." The distressed voice froze Brian's fist mid-air.

"What the..." He murmured. Kyung looked just as shocked as he was.

"I...haven't...anything." The voice rose. "I need to go take care of my patient now!" Then the noise of a phone slamming down was heard and Brian and Kyung looked at each other.

"Now what?" Kyung whispered.

Before Brian could respond, the door was flung open and Brian and Kyung found themselves staring at a very surprised Barbara.

Barbara found herself in a panic when she came face to face with Brian and Kyung. Without thinking, she quickly tried to slam the door shut in their faces but was met with resistance as Brian placed his hand against the door, preventing it from closing.

“We need to talk,” Brian said in a calm, even voice.

Barbara McKean hung her head. “I know. Please, come in.”

She opened the door to her office and directed Brian and Kyung to a small sofa in the adjoining office which Brian and Kyung assumed to be Dr. Minnick’s office.

“I... I don’t know where to begin exactly.”

“The beginning is always a good place to start,” Brian suggested with a slight smile.

Nurse McKean let out a slow, even breath and closed her eyes. The ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner broke the uncomfortable silence, as if to mock them.

“I have been Dr. Minnick’s staff nurse for over twenty years. We first worked together in his office and then in the emergency room here at the hospital. When Dr. Minnick decided to open a neuro office in the hospital, I jumped at the chance to join his practice.” Barbara stopped and shifted nervously in her seat.

“Okay, you said neuro, so we’re assuming that doctor was assigned to Nick’s case for the induced coma?” Kyung asked, hoping to stimulate some answers from the nurse.

She nodded her head. “Dr. Minnick is tops in this field. He has done this job for years error free until now,” Barabara’s voice trailed off.

Brian placed a hand on the nurse’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Barbara looked up and quickly wiped the tears from her eyes. Brian’s eyes locked onto hers. She quickly looked away, not wishing to look into his eyes and see the pain that losing his friend was causing him.

“Please, just tell us, we will protect you if that’s what you’re afraid of,” Brian begged in a calm voice.

Barbara shook her head. “I’m afraid to. I could lose everything----

“Nick has already lost pretty much his life dammit, you have something you’re hiding and we need to know,” Kyung spat out. She ignored the pleading looks that Brian was giving her. She knew that he disapproved of her going in with both feet and not looking but Kyung didn’t care. She needed to get to the bottom of this. It was affecting Lizz therefore it was affecting her as well.

“Okay, alright,” Nurse McKean quietly pleaded. She reached behind her and pulled a tissue out of the box on Dr. Minnick’s oak desk and dabbed her eyes with it. She took in a deep breath and slowly began her explanation.

“When Dr. Minnick was called for consult on your friend Nick, I pretty much logged this case as one that would be routine. They had Nick prepped for the induction and everything appeared to go smoothly. I noticed doctor seemed to be rather arrogant or flamboyant on this particular case, which is not typical for doctor to be. He is always very methodical about every case he is on but for some reason things were crashing around him and he didn’t seem to know how to go about repairing things.”

“Things? What kind of things?” Brian pressed for more answers.

“Well, um, as they were injecting the meds on the patient, his BP soared to a dangerously high rate,” Barbara stated.

“Exactly how high was it?” Kyung asked.

“I recall once his blood pressure was 245/123.”

Kyung gasped. Brian looked at Kyung and then back at the nurse.

Just as Nurse McKean was going to talk about her findings in Nick’s chart, the door to the office swung open and Dr. Minnick entered the room.

“Who do we have here?”

“This is just family of your patient in ICU, Bobby McMasters,” Barbara lied.

Brian looked at her face, puzzled. He couldn’t understand why this nurse was still covering for the doctor.

“I will keep you informed of your brother’s progress later. Thanks for stopping, we are happy to see family involved in a patient’s recovery. Nurse McKean flashed a look of desperation at Brian. She tried her best to brush them off.

Brian was done playing games with this nurse. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I want to know what is going on with Nick Carter. We need answers and we need them NOW!”

I looked at Lizz feeling awful knowing that I couldn’t reach out and hold her while she was hurting. I wanted to ask her questions, dammit, I needed to ask her questions, but I was unable to communicate with her.

“I... I am o... okay,” Lizz stammered through her tears.

I managed to squeeze her hand again, willing her to look into my eyes.

Lizz looked up at Nick and met his gaze. All sorts of thoughts were flooding through her mind. Their situation and how it could have been different if she had logged online an hour before he got so damned desperate. She knew there was nothing she could do about it now. Here she was stuck with kidneys that were failing her and Nick lying in bed trapped in a body that wouldn’t work for him.

“We do make a pathetic couple right now, ya know?” Lizz joked.

I managed a slight smile back at her. I appreciated that she still could keep a sense of humor about her. God knows we needed that.

As I looked in the doorway to see who was coming into my room, my heart sank. It was that girl that had been in the other day and started taking pictures. I remembered her. How could I communicate this to Lizz? I mentally cursed myself and tried to think of something to say to get her to leave.

The monitors next to my bed started to sound alarms, I knew my heart was racing, I couldn’t help it. I wanted to shout at this girl.

Terri nonchalantly entered the room. She had gone to a novelty store on her lunch hour and bought a camera that she could rig inside her scrubs. She placed her hand on the button and started clicking away at the couple, hoping that she was getting this on film.

“GET OWT,” I managed to yell, surprised at how thick my voice sounded and how garbled.

“Oh my god, your voice! You can’t talk can you?” Terri asked, a shocked tone in her voice. “This is going to be more money for sure.”

Lizz narrowed her eyes at the girl. “So you’re the one.”

Terri spun around towards Lizz. “So what if I am? Not a whole hell of a lot you can do about it is there. Just look at you! You are one foot away from taking a dirt nap,” Terri hissed.

I stared at this girl. What the hell was Lizz talking about her being the one?

How would she know that this girl took pictures of me?

“And you are one foot away from prison bitch!” Lizz shouted.

I still couldn’t figure out what was going on. Then she said something that I knew would change my life forever.

“The National Enquirer paid me top dollar for this story and I am going to keep sending them stuff and there is nothing you can do to stop me!”

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. Lizz was trying to get out of her chair and I couldn’t stop her. My heart felt like it was going to explode, I tried to calm myself down, but nothing was working....nothing at all.

“ELIZABETH HULFORD! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” Kyung shouted as she and Brian entered the room.

Terri tried to quickly slip out of the room behind Brian. Lizz was about to yell out for someone to stop her, but Brian recognized her and realized something was not right.

“Whoa there, I think you have some explaining to do,” Brian ordered, his voice was unnaturally low.

"What did you tell them?" Dr. Minnick glared at Barbara, his voice full of menace.

"N...nothing. I d...didn't tell them anything!" Barbara cried.

"Oh really? Then why was that boy asking about Nick Carter if he was family of Bobby McMasters?" He snarled.

"I...I don't know. May...maybe he was just being curious." Barbara's voice was shaking. She was terrified that this would be the end of her job. Then she realized that she wasn't sure she even wanted to work under Dr. Minnick anymore. The man before her was not the same person she had known for the past twenty years. Or was it possible that she had been wrong about him all this time? That made her angry.

"Right! You expect me to believe that line of bullshit?" He sneered.

"I don't care what you believe! How do you think it looked when you ordered them out of here like that? 'Get out of here before I call security?!' How obvious was that?!" She shot back.

Dr. Minnick raised his eyebrows at her tone. Then he spoke in a low, intimidating voice. "You know full well that your job is on the line here. Now I want to know, what exactly did you tell them?"

I was shaking. I did that when I got really really angry. Right now I was livid. The shaking might also have to do with the fact that I was standing up, but I ignored that. I was going to walk over to her and beat the shit out of her, so help me!

Terri just stood there and stared at Brian. Then she tried to look past him and looked as if she was going to dart from the room. Kyung was blocking the door though. I knew for a fact that there was no way that she was going to let her pass.

"I'm waiting." Brian said in that same unnerving voice. It even shocked me to hear him talk like that.

Terri crossed her arms and smirked. "Don't you remember me from the other day? I came in and cleaned up the water that you spilled. Oh, that's right! You looked so pathetic that it makes sense that you didn't recognize me. What's wrong? Pass out a few times yourself?" Brian widened his eyes.

My jaw dropped. "Bitch!" I hissed. I started to take a step forward. At the same time Kyung yelled out "LIZZ SIT DOWN!" I felt a hand grab my arm. It was Nick. I didn't have much of a choice anyway. My legs weren't supporting me anymore. I sank into the chair and tried to suck in the oxygen that I was wearing.

Satisfied that I wasn't going to fall, Kyung directed her attention to Terri. She walked up to her and got into her face.

"You just made a very big mistake. Not only are you going to have a huge lawsuit against your ass, but now you aren't going to have a job to pay all that money. And then to top it off, I am going to knock the shit out of you because you pissed me off.

Terri only grinned. "You're forgetting all the money that the Enquirer is paying me for these pictures."

Without warning, Brian reached over and grabbed the camera from her hands.

"Give that back!" Terri yelled. "Not like it matters anyway. The whole world knows now. There is enough pictures published already and the next edition will have even more. Say 'bye bye' Backstreet Boys! Ya know, even if he lives, she probably won't and then he will feel guilty and just try to kill himself again anyway." She threw her hands towards Nick and I.

I looked at Nick and I could see the anger and misery in his eyes as plain as day. She had just answered the question that was in his eyes. Now he knew about the pictures. "Fuck you." I snapped at her.

"You make me sick. How can you work in a hospital where people are sick and dying and be so cold? Do you have any idea how many people's lives you have affected?! Not just ours, but the millions of others. Did you see the look on his poor mother's face as she is watching this happen to her son? Obviously not, you heartless bitch! Have you seen the hundreds of people that are outside crying their eyes out because someone they look up to and admire is up here fighting for his life?! How can you only think of money, of your own profit, at the expense of so many people's suffering? How can one person be so sick?" Brian asked her. The look on his face said it all. He was heartsick that anyone could be like that. It was almost beyond his comprehension. I understood that because I didn't believe it myself. I knew there were evil people out there, but this bad?

Kyung put a hand on Brian's shoulder. "You're wasting your time even asking her that." She said bitterly.

Brian only shook his head. His anger a few moments ago nearly consumed him and for a time, he couldn't even talk. Now he felt more drained than he could ever remember. "Call security." He said to Kyung.

Everything started to look funny now. Hazy or something. I think I wasn't getting enough oxygen. Nick was still holding my hand from when he grabbed it before. It sorta dawned on me that he had done that. He hadn't made a sudden movement like that since I had been in here. He squeezed my hand and I looked up at him. At least I think I was looking at him. Everything was sort of blurry. "Nick." I whispered. Even my own voice seemed far away. He looked at me with panicked eyes and then at Brian and Kyung who were dealing with Terri. It got harder to breathe and I started to slump over. I couldn't fight it.

Barbara stood and stared at Dr. Minnick for a few moments. She tried to quickly think of something to tell him to suppress his already building anger. She then decided it was foolish to even protect this doctor. She decided now was the time to confront him.

“I was looking in his chart and I found some pretty interesting facts, doctor,” Barbara carefully started out.

Dr. Minnick glared. “Facts?”

“When you were sedating that patient, you used Espediene instead of Experdene. Very similar named drugs except one effects the central nervous system differently,” Nurse McKean explained.

“Yeah, so your point?”

“So? Doctor, you knew about the error several hours after the procedure yet you continued to look the other way!”

“I still don’t see your point in this, nurse,” Dr. Minnick spat.

“The point is that you are making this poor boy suffer needlessly. The longer those meds are in his system, the more permanent the damage will be. You are taking away his lifestyle and slowly killing him. This can be reversed if you allow it to, please I beg you, stop this now!”

“I could lose my license to practice in this hospital, I’m already on probation again,” Dr. Minnick argued.

“Does that really matter? We’re talking about something you can fix if you allow it. The poor kid can’t speak and can’t sit up alone. We’re talking about someone that was in the entertainment business and now he is faced with a life of 24 hour nursing care. If you don’t do something about this, by god, I plan on doing something,” Barbara stated as she attempted to turn and walk away from Dr. Minnick.

Dr. Minnick grabbed Nurse McKean by the arm and turned her to face him. “What exactly are you planning on doing?”

“Going to the administrative board,” she stated firmly.

“Do it and you’re finished,” the doctor warned Barbara.

Barbara jerked her arm out of the doctor’s grasp. “I don’t care.”

Lizz’s face had gone from a pale color to chalky white in a matter of moments. Her lips were tinged blue. I could tell right away that she wasn’t getting any air, I could see her struggling to breathe.

As she collapsed to the floor, all I could do was lay in the bed and watch her fall. I felt so damned helpless at that moment. I couldn’t yell or do anything to stop that from happening. I glanced up at where that girl named Terri was and I could se she was going to make a run for the door. I didn’t bother trying to form the words in my mouth, I just made noises to draw attention back towards the doorway. Thank god Brian realized what was going on.

“Oh no you don’t,” Brian yelled as he grabbed Terri by the arm. “You are staying here until security arrives. Hey we need help in here!” Brian called out to the security officer that was sitting outside the door to Nick’s ICU room.

The daytime security officer, assigned to protect Nick, entered the room and quickly surveyed the situation. Without asking, he grabbed the girl that Brian was hanging onto and slapped some handcuffs on her wrists.

Terri kept kicking and cussing, trying to free herself from the police officer. He hung onto her as she kicked and thrashed about like a wild animal.

I helplessly watched as Kyung and another nurse attended to Lizz. I realized that her kidneys were compromised and that she needed a transplant. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach knowing that I played a role in making this girl fight for her life.

As luck and poor planning would have it, the sounds of shrieking from the hallway diverted mine and Brian’s attention towards the door. Suddenly, Brian was caught up in a surge of about fifteen young girls.

“Shit,” Kyung mumbled under her breath. “You girls need to leave this room immediately!”

They didn’t listen to Kyung and soon their attention was drawn towards Nick laying in bed.

Suddenly, they stopped their chattering amongst themselves and started to point at Nick and whisper. All Nick could do was lie in bed and stare back at the girls.

“Nick? Are you feeling okay?”

“That’s enough, out now!” Kyung barked.

“Nick, I want a picture of you,” a girl said as she pulled out a pocket camera.

That was all Brian needed. “GET OUT NOW!” The girls cringed when they heard Brian yell, scared by his sudden change of character and attitude. No one would ever suspect Brian of getting that agitated.

The girls watched as Lizz’s day nurse, Della, push Lizz out the door on a cot to her own ICU room.

“Oh my god, isn’t that the girl that caused Nick to try and kill himself over?”

This time Kyung snapped. “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW BEFORE I CALL SECURITY!”

The pack of girls seemed almost frozen. Dale, the security guard, was still holding on to Terri so he couldn’t do much of anything.

“Why isn’t he talking?” One of the girls whispered. Another one was staring after Lizz as Della took her to her room. A couple more nurses came to assist her.

“Is she dead?” Came another horrified whisper.

Kyung whirled around and marched over to the girls. “OUT!” She bellowed. They started to scamper away, but stopped when they heard laughing.

“He can’t talk girlies cause he had a stroke. He is never going to be able to take care of himself ever again. And no, that girl isn’t dead, but she is almost there. Sorry kiddies, no more Backstreet and no more Nick Carter.” She sneered.

“Get her out of here!” Kyung barked to Dale. She threw a look at Brian and he looked like he had been slapped. He couldn’t believe that Terri had just said those words. Kyung took in a deep breath and tried to control her temper.

Dale escorted the struggling girl out of the room and her shouts could be heard all the way down the hall.

Kyung herded the girls outside the door and shut it behind her. She sighed. “Look, I don’t know how you all got in here, but you can’t be here. This is the intensive care unit and there needs to be a certain level of control. If there were an emergency, like there was just now, we can’t have a bunch of people in the way.” She explained sternly.

“Is Nick going to be okay?” One of the younger ones asked tearfully.

“He’s going to be fine.” Kyung told her.

“What about the girl he tried to kill himself over?” Asked another.

Kyung sighed again. Her patience was growing thin. “She is going to be fine also.” She wasn’t even going to address the inaccuracy of their information.

“Then what about what that girl said? Why did she say that?” The same girl persisted.

Kyung wanted to say “because she is a flaming bitch that needs to be shot.” Instead she said, “I don’t know. She is sick up here.” Kyung tapped her head.

“What’s wrong with Brian?” A young one that was crying asked. “He yelled.”

“He’s upset. His best friend is sick and he doesn’t like to see him that way. He didn’t mean to sound so harsh okay?” Kyung tried to keep the exasperation out of her voice.

“What is wrong with them? Is that girl really going to die without a transplant? Is Nick never going to be able to function again? Is it true that Brian passed out?” The girl that asked looked like she might have been the oldest of the group.

Kyung shook her head. “That’s all private. I’m sure there will be a press conference and you will know whatever they think you should know. You all really need to leave the ICU now.” She looked over the desk and a couple of nurses came over to usher the girls out. As soon as they returned, Kyung went off.

“That was inexcusable! How the hell did they get in here?! Do you have any idea how bad that was?! Why the hell didn’t someone stop them?!” She yelled. All the anger that she had been trying to hold back just surfaced.

“I’m sorry, I was with my patient. I heard the commotion and came to see what was going on.” One of them explained.

The other one didn’t say anything. She just looked embarrassed.

“Ugh!” Kyung shook her head in disgust before turning on her heel and storming to Lizz’s room. Della was still in there, along with another nurse, Marjorie.

“How is she?” Kyung asked softly. Her energy was spent.

“Her BP is back up, but her sats are still too low.” Della paused and looked at Kyung seriously. “She’s running out of time.” She said quietly.

Kyung nodded and tried to keep her composure. It was really hard. “She’ll be asleep for awhile, won’t she?”

Della nodded. “Are you going to be okay?”

Kyung shrugged. “I’ll be okay when Lizz is okay. Uh, hey, I’m gonna go check on Nick and I’ll be back in a few.”

I’m not going to break down here at work. I’m not! She coached herself as she knocked on Nick’s door before going in. Brian was sitting on the edge of Nick’s bed.

She walked over and stood next to Brian, putting a hand on his shoulder. He looked like the wrath. Nick immediately looked at Kyung with questioning eyes. “She’s asleep. Her oxygen levels are a little low, but other than that...” She trailed off. On one hand she didn’t want to repeat what Della had just told her, but on the other hand what was the point of hiding it.

Brian looked up at her. “Is it bad?” His voice was barely audible.

Kyung nodded, not trusting her voice. She didn’t want to look at Nick either. She didn’t want to see the pain that she knew she would see in his eyes. She knew he blamed himself.

Barbara stormed out of Dr. Minnick’s office, her heart pounding. She was terrified, but at the same time she felt as if a huge weight was lifted off her chest. She was going to lose her job for sure, but at least she did the right thing.

Hopefully now they could reverse the effects that the Espediene on Nick Carter. The damage wouldn’t be immediately undone, but in time he would be okay. She desperately wanted to believe that. He would have a long road ahead of him, regardless.

Before she would call the board she wanted to go back to Nick’s room and see if his friend and that other girl that was with him were in there.

It was a long walk to his room and when she finally made it, she had to stop and pause before she went in. Finally she knocked.

Upon opening the door, Barbara found Brian and Kyung alongside the patient’s bed. She looked at Nick’s face and then quickly looked away not being able to trust herself to tell them what she knew she had to tell.

“I’m sorry doctor shoved you out of his office earlier,” Barbara started out.

’Stop apologizing for him.’ she reprimanded herself.

“There is something I need to tell you regarding Mr. Carter’s condition.”

Nurse McKean paused for a brief moment, trying to think of how was the best way to tell them what she needed to tell them.

She took a breath in. “I believe that the stroke that he suffered was not a true stroke.” Barbara looked into Brian’s eyes. His red-rimmed eyes appeared to question what she was saying. She looked at Nick, his eyebrows were furrowed in a knot of confusion.

“Doctor Minnick was consulted to place Mr. Carter---”

“Nick, his name is Nick,” Kyung corrected the nurse.

“Doctor Minnick was consulted to place Nick into a medically induced coma. He is a specialist in that field and has a high success rate with the recovery of his patients, however, Doctor Minnick made a grave error in the selection of the meds, one the suppresses the central nervous system.

“So you’re saying that he caused Nick’s stroke?” Brian questioned.

Barbara shook her head. “What I’m saying is that the medication that doctor used chemically alters the neurons in the brain, sort of short circuiting the system. What Doctor Minnick did should have never happened. Nick shouldn’t be suffering as he is now.”

Nurse McKean managed to look at Nick’s face again. This time instead of a look of confusion or question, his face was full of anger and hatred.

“Is there anything that can be done for Nick?” Kyung asked, breaking the long silence that filled the room.

“Yes, I believe there is. I am going to the board after I leave here and tell them the whole story. I think there is something that can be given to Nick that will counter act the effects of the Esperdiene medication. I don’t think the cure will be overnight and I think that he will have a long struggle ahead of him, but I think that he will eventually lead a near normal life again.

I stared at the nurse that came in the room with this news. She said near normal, what did she mean by near normal? God, how I wanted to talk and ask questions. I wanted to know how Lizz was doing. I decided I would ask once that nurse left the room.

“I’m glad you told us this, I know it must have taken a lot of courage on your part,” Brian said to Barbara.

The nurse shrugged her shoulders. “I’ll probably lose my job over this, but I couldn’t stand there any longer and see this patient suffer or his family.”

“If there is anything we can do for you to help you keep your job, anything at all, please don’t be afraid to ask,” Brian replied. He looked over at Nick and could see him slightly nod his head.

“Thank you,” Barbara said as she turned to leave the room.

I waited for the door to close before I tried to speak. I licked my lips and got ready to hopefully speak clearly.

“La-iss.”

Both Kyung and Brian turned their heads towards me. I prayed that they understood what I wanted.

“How La-iss.”

“She’s stable,” Kyung replied.

I shook my head no. I knew they were keeping something from me.

“See.”

“No Nick, you can’t right now, she’s sleeping,” Brian replied.

I shook my head no again.

“See her.”

“Absolutely not. Nick, I have no way to get you to her room anyway. You can’t move on your own, you couldn’t go in a wheelchair, forget it, it’s not gonna happen so you might as well rest and try to get better.”

God how I hated it when Brian was reasonable.

“Nick if it will make you happy, I will go to her room and see how she’s doing and come back and tell you, deal?”

I nodded my head yes. It was going to be better than nothing.

I laid in bed half watching some dumb soap opera on the television. I couldn’t move my hands very well to change channels on the remote control and with Brian away, I was pretty much stuck with what was on.

‘God, just let her leave, she’s not worth it.’ I mentally shouted at the TV screen. Soaps were pretty stupid as they seemed to spend more time with the characters staring at each other more than anything else.

A tall man wearing a white lab coat entered my room after briefly knocking on the door. I figured he was in to take more blood from me.

“Hi Nick, I’m Doctor Scott.”

As the doctor was talking, one of my daytime nurses named Denise, came in with an IV bag and hung it up on the pole. She was also carrying a syringe.

“Because of the information that Nurse McKean provided, we are going to be giving you Irisophia through and IV line. This medication will hopefully counter act the Esperdiene that was given to you previously. We will be staring that up along with a steriod injection every four hours into the IV line. I think if all goes well, you should start to be seeing improvements in your condition within 36 to 48 hours.”

Waking up seemed like a big mistake. As soon as I opened my eyes, I was flooded with pain. Go figure, what did I do this time? I could barely even move. “Hey girl, how ya feeling?” Kyung smiled with relief when she saw my eyes flicker towards her. She was sitting on the end of my bed.

“Wha ‘appen?” I whispered. Even talking took energy that I didn’t have.

“Do you remember being in Nick’s room a little while ago?” Brian asked. I looked to my right and he was sitting in a chair by the side of my bed. I tried to think about what he was talking about, but nothing registered. The blank look on my face must have told him that I didn’t remember. He glanced at Kyung and frowned. “You know who I am right?” He asked carefully.

I grinned and nodded slightly. That was a silly question.

Brian smiled back, then grew serious again. “You got really antsy to go see Nick so Kyung and I took you to his room in a wheelchair.”

Oh my gosh! Terri! It all came back and I widened my eyes in recognition at them.

“You remember now?” Kyung asked.

“Terri?” I whispered. That little bitch. I remembered her saying something about Nick trying to kill himself again and I was about to go off on her. How dare she say something like that?! I was ready to tear into her but by that time I could scarecely breathe and I felt like I was going to pass out. The last thing I remembered was trying to get Nick’s attention.

“She’s been taken care of.” Kyung said simply. I could hear the anger in her voice though.

I nodded. “Nick?” I whispered. “He’s alone?”

“He’s really worried about you. He wanted to come see you, but there isn’t anyway for him to get into a wheelchair or anything. He wanted us to come see how you are and then report back to him.” Brian explained.

I smiled. “Tell him... I am...bouncing... off the walls.”

Kyung and Brian laughed. “Sure you are, ya little punk.” Kyung snorted.

I had to smile. At least I made them laugh.

“Actually, guess what?” Kyung asked. I raised my eyebrows at her.

“Nick’s doctor, Dr. Minnick, screwed up. Bad. He was supposed to give Nick Experdene when they put him in the induced coma. By accident the doctor gave him Espediene which suppresses the central nervous system. Dr. Minnick, apparantly didn’t want to acknowledge his mistake and pretended that he never did anything wrong.” Kyung explained.

My eyes filled with hot tears. “He’s been...suffering...all this time...”

“Lizz, Dr. Minnick’s nurse came forward. She had a very hard time doing so, but she did and she is taking it to the administrative board. Hopefully, they will be able to give Nick something to counter the effects and he will be okay. He will have a long recovery ahead of him, but he should be fine.” Brian continued.

“He’s gonna...be okay?” I whispered. I had been praying for a miracle since Nick had had the stroke. Now, here it was. I basked in the feelings of tremendous relief for only a few moments. There was something else I had been concerned about. I knew that Nick blamed himself for all this, just like I did. I knew that was something that we would never be able to convince each other of. He thought it was his fault for dragging me into this, but I knew that it was mine. If I had been able to get on instant messenger sooner, if I could have said something different. If...if... How was he going to take me getting worse and worse? I knew that my chances of getting a transplant were slim and I also knew that if I didn’t get one very soon, I wouldn’t make it. Would that put Nick over the edge? I shook my head miserably.

Kyung saw this. “What’s wrong sweetie?”

“How’s...he gonna take...me not...getting better?” I whispered, trying to stay in control of my emotions.

“Lizz don’t...” Kyung started with a warning tone in her voice.

“K, please...I know the...circumstances...I don’t want...him to blame...himself.” I begged.

“Hey now, we don’t want to hear that kind of talk. You better not be giving up on us now!” Brian admonished gently.

“I’m not! But I...have to...be realistic. I’m gonna...fight it. But Nick...” A few tears escaped.

Brian chewed his lip. He didn’t want to admit it, but Lizz’s concern had crossed his mind. He was determined that Lizz would be okay, but if, just if, she wasn’t, what effect would that have on Nick? “Lizz, we are going to find you a transplant, but you have to keep faith. Do it for us, for Nick, and for yourself. I know you can do it.” He encouraged.

I nodded. I sure as hell wasn’t going to give into this. I’m just too damned stubborn for that. I vaguely remembered someone calling me stubborn recently. I smiled.

“That’s my girl!” Kyung smiled too.

“Go...tell him... I’m okay.” I ordered. Both of them opened their eyes wide. Kyung made like she was going to smack me one and Brian mock saluted. I grinned at them. “Then...come tell me...that he’s...okay.”

“Will do.” Brian saluted again and Kyung gave me a half hug before they both left. The looks on their faces as I tried to be demanding, was priceless and I smiled in spite of myself.

Once out in the hall, Brian turned to Kyung.

“She’s really...” He started, only to be cut off by Kyung.

“Don’t say it! I am having a hard enough time keeping from crying as it is.”

Brian nodded in understanding.

They let themselves into Nick’s room and were greeted by tall doctor with kind, brown eyes. He smiled and introduced himself as Dr. Scott.

“I’m going to be taking over Nick’s case for Dr. Minnick. As you might already know, his nurse, Barbara McKean, came forward with some information regarding Nick’s case.” He started.

Brian nodded.

“We will be administering Irisophia intraveniously every four hours in hopes of countering the effects of the Esperdiene. We will also be giving him a steroid to aide the process. We are optimistic that we will see results in 36-48 hours.” He repeated all the information that he had given Nick.

Brian glanced at Kyung and saw the happiness written all over her face that he also felt.

Dr. Scott smiled at the look of obvious relief written all over the two young people’s faces that stood before him. “I just gave him his first dose and Denise will be in charge of giving him the rest throughout the night. Any significant changes and I want to be called.” He shook Brian and Kyung’s hands before leaving the room.

Brian immediately went to Nick’s bedside and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m so happy for you buddy.

“Hi, my name’s Leah and I need to get some blood this morning.”

I looked at Leah and I knew she could tell I was dissatisfied by the thought of getting more blood taken from me, I was sick of feeling like a pincushion.

After a few minutes of her poking around on my arm, she sighed and reached over towards the light switch.

“I’m really sorry,” Leah apologized as she turned on the over head lights, “I just am having a hard time finding a good vein this morning.”

I groaned as the lights flickered on, hurting my eyes. I wanted to tell her it was okay, but I didn’t trust any words that would come out of my mouth. With my luck lately, I would end up calling her a bitch or something and get slapped for it.

Leah quickly drew the blood from my arm and shut the lights off once she placed the vial back into her cart. She cheerfully thanked me and left the room. I lay awake in the dim lighting, listening to the noises of the world outside my door.

I finally was distracted from the noises in the hallway by a fly buzzing by my face. I laughed at the irony of a fly living in ICU. I decided to call the fly AJ. It was a perfect name for the fly because it reminded me of AJ, always buzzing around quickly, never staying in one spot for long. The fly must have realized I was mentally thinking about it because it landed on my cheek. Out of reflex, I brushed the fly from my cheek.

Brushed my cheek?

I looked at my hand in front of my face. I hadn’t been able to control any movements that I wanted to since I came out of this damn coma. The meds they were giving me were working! I wanted to shout out to the doctor that it was working, god, I needed to tell someone. Wait, did that mean I could talk too? I decided to chance it and I cleared my throat. I was hoping to say ‘Hi how are you today’ but the only words that came out were the same jumbled up mess that I had been saying before.

That was bad, no improvement there. I tried to keep myself up and reminded myself that I could move my hand. It was only the one hand, but hell, one was better than none.

A nurse came into my room with another IV bad and a syringe. I watched her hang the new bag on the pole and then she uncapped the syringe with her mouth - I was thinking how professional - and looked at her watch as she pushed the mediation into the IV line.

Feeling that familiar burn into my arm as the mediation was entering my bloodstream; I closed my eyes and let the sleep wash over me.

“Lizz? Honey, come on, please I need you to wake up to sign some forms.”

Lizz opened her eyes to see one of her nurses standing over her bed with a clipboard. She started to stretch but the pain caused her to stop and take a sharp breath inward.

“Forms? What kind of forms?” Lizz whispered as she struggled to get into a half way decent sitting position in her bed. The nurse hurried and placed the pillows behind her back for support.

“They found a donor for you and I need you to sign the consent forms,” the nurse cheerfully stated.

Lizz’s eyes shifted back and forth as she tried to grasp the reality of the situation.

“They found one so quickly,” Lizz gasped.

“You’re very lucky to have gotten it,” the nurse explained.

“But if they found one so quickly, that meant I was on the critical list, doesn’t it?”

“That doesn’t matter now, what matters is we need to get you prepped to be shipped off.”

Lizz hesitated signing when she heard the nurse say that.

“Shipped off? Where?”

“Not too far, just to Tulsa, there is a surgical team waiting for you there.”

Lizz’s heart sank. To go to Tulsa would mean that she would be leaving this hospital and leaving Nick. “But I need to be here,” Lizz weakly protested.

The nurse took the clipboard from her hands. “Honey, it’s for your own good.”

Lizz could feel herself panic. “Kyung... Where’s Kyung... I need her! I need Brian!”

"Well, I‘m afraid we have some good news and some rather disturbing news." Brian, Kyung, and Lizz’s doctor were sitting in a small conference room. Upon hearing those words, Kyung took a sharp breath in. She wasn’t sure she could handle any more bad news. Brian saw this and gave her hand a quick squeeze.

"We’ll start with the good news." Dr. Saxton smiled. "We have a kidney for Lizz."

Kyung gasped at the same time Brian exclaimed, "Thank God!"

"B…but how? What about the waiting list? Even being listed as critical can still take months!" Kyung stammered, her shock evident.

Dr. Saxton’s face grew grim. "Well, I’m afraid that’s the bad news." Brian and Kyung exchanged glances as the doctor continued. "I’m sure you both aware of the recent addition of the National Enquirer that featured an article on Nick and Lizz."

Kyung felt a lump form in her throat. This wasn’t going to be good. She barely saw Brain nod out of the corner of her eye.

"Unfortunately a young girl took the words in the article as truth." Dr. Saxton said.

"Words? What words?" Kyung shook her head.

"Where it said that Nick had suffered from brain damage and would never walk or speak or be able to take care of himself. One of his fans, an 18 year old girl, became very distraught over it and…took her life." Dr. Saxton finished gravely.

"Oh god!" Brian cried hoarsely.

Kyung covered her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Her mother and father said she became very distraught after she found out. She became withdrawn and depressed, barely talking to anyone." Dr. Saxton continued.

"But how…?" Kyung whispered.

Dr. Saxton seemed to understand what Kyung was trying to ask. "Her parents are devastated, naturally. Surprisingly they harbor no feelings of blame. Instead they want some good to come from this. They want their daughter’s kidneys to go to Lizz."

"Does Lizz know?" Brian asked suddenly.

"They should be prepping her to be transported right now, but she doesn’t know who the donor is." Dr. Saxton replied.

"Shit, Brian, I don’t know what this is going to do to her!" Kyung said urgently.

Brian nodded. Then he raised an eyebrow. "Wait, what do you mean, transported?" Brian asked.

"There will be a surgical team waiting in Tulsa for her." Dr. Saxton said.

"Tulsa?!" Kyung still seemed like she was in shock.

"What about Nick? Does he know any of this?" Brian continued to question the doctor frantically.

"Not to my knowledge."

"Oh boy." Brian muttered. This was starting to get overwhelming.

Suddenly Kyung snapped her head down to her pager. "It’s Lizz’s room."

Brian glanced at Dr. Saxton. "Have me paged when all the paper work is signed so we can get Lizz to Tulsa as soon as possible." The doctor said as he shook Brian’s hand.

The nurse left to go take the forms out. I, on the other hand, was freaking out. I was fighting the urge to panic with everything that was in me. And by this point, that wasn’t much. Who was my donor?! Why did the nurse beat around the bush when I tried to ask? I couldn’t leave Nick now, there was no way. Especially now that he was hopefully going to start getting better. It was my fault that this had happened and I sure as hell wasn’t going to bail on him now. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. What if the donor was Nick?! What if something happened? So much for control. I started breathing rapidly and choked back a sob. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to Nick. This was all my fault! I pushed the sheets back roughly and tried to push myself off of the pillows. Sharp pains coursed through me and I let out a cry. I was beginning to get frantic. "Please…" I moaned. After struggling for a few more minutes my whole body was trembling and I was gasping for air. At that moment, the door flew open.

"Lizz!" Kyung rushed over to me. I was struggling to remain sitting and gave in to her outstretched arms.

"Nick! Oh god! He’s…" I cried as I held a death grip on her.

"Lizz, Lizz! He’s fine. Nick’s fine!" Kyung tried to get my attention.

"You mean…he’s not…" I sagged against her. She leaned me back onto my pillows and then began messing with the oxygen levels. Brian sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You thought he was your donor?" He asked softly.

I nodded shakily. I could feel the oxygen flow was stronger and tried to take it in. "I can’t leave." I choked out.

"There isn’t a choice. You need to get this transplant." Brian reasoned.

I shook my head. "Then I have to wait until Nick is better enough to go too." I said stubbornly. My voice was all breathy. Why wasn’t I getting enough air?

"Lizz…" Brian started. Another thought occurred to me. If Nick wasn’t my donor, then who was it? I knew how transplant lists worked. I nearly was on one many years ago. Something must have happened in order for me to get a kidney so fast. "Where is this kidney coming from?" I whispered.

Brian and Kyung glanced at each other. I could tell that they didn’t want to tell me the answer to that. At that moment, I was scarcely aware of how hard it was to breathe nor the searing pain that threatened to knock me out. I only sat and waited, an icy fear enveloping my heart.

“Lizz, that’s not important to know right now,” Kyung quietly stated. Brian slightly nodded his head in agreement.

“Like hell,” Lizz whispered.

Hearing the heart monitor start to pick up pace with Lizz’s agitation, Brian gave in and decided to tell Lizz a little about the donor.

“Lizz, it’s from an 18 year old girl from St. Louis, Missouri,” Brian started out.

“And?” Lizz sharply whispered.

Brian’s shoulder’s sank. “You aren’t just gonna leave it at that, are you?”

Lizz narrowed her eyes at Brian.

A slight smile played on his lips. “Guess not. She is a feisty one.”

Kyung nodded. “Can’t help it, stubbornness and bitchiness is in her character.”

Lizz continued to stare at Brian and Kyung.

He took a deep breath in. “Okay...... well, she just happened to be a BSB fan and her parents read about what was going on with how you tried to help Nick and their hearts went out to you and they felt that if their daughter’s kidneys matched your genetic profiles, they wanted them to go to you, they felt it would be the right thing to do with them.”

Brian tried his best to look Lizz in the face. He wasn’t actually lying about the details; he was just skipping a few details. He hoped Lizz would never want to know the full details but he knew eventually she would be asking or hearing about it.

Satisfied with Brian’s explanation, Lizz closed her eyes. The nurses finished up with the final preparations of her transport to Tulsa. Suddenly, Lizz’s eyes popped open.

“Does Nick know anything about this yet?”

Kyung smoothed the blankets up by Lizz’s neck. “No, not yet.”

“I want to see him before I go,” Lizz insisted.

An ambulance attendant entered the room. “Okay, ready to go to Tulsa?”

“No, not until I see Nick,” Lizz continued her protest.

“Sweetie, there isn’t time, you have to go now,” Kyung gently argued. “I will make sure either Brian or myself tell him what’s going on and keep him informed, okay? You don’t have a choice in this.”

“Good Morning, are you ready for breakfast?”

Startled, I opened my eyes to see Nicole, a day nurse enter my room with a tray in her hand. I was so damned used the routine by now, she brings in the tray, helps me to sit up and then she feeds me. I was about to give into the all familiar chain of events when I remembered I could use my left hand. I was right handed, but hell I could use my left hand! I shook my head “no” and held up my left hand and opened and closed it.

“You can use your hand? Gosh, it’s not charted but hey, I’m happy for you,” Nicole said as she placed the tray on the stand and proceeded to set it up.

I nodded and was anxious to try my new skills out. I didn’t want her to sit and watch me though. I managed a “friendly” glare at her so that she would understand my intentions.

“You want me to leave?”

I shook my head yes.

“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry but I can’t,” Nicole replied. She must have noticed the bewildered look I was giving her, not understanding why she had to stand there and watch me eat. “You could start to choke.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I knew she was going to stand beside my bed no matter what. I carefully grasped the spoon and plunged it into the steaming bowl of oatmeal. Instead of smooth, flowing movements, my hand acted as if were detached from my body as it slammed into the bowl, almost knocking it over.

“It’s okay, just relax,” Nicole coached.

Fishing around in the bowl with the spoon, I finally managed to scoop some oatmeal onto the spoon. As I slowly moved the spoon up towards my mouth, the contents were starting to fall off as they were guided by my shaky movements. When the spoon finally met up with my mouth, instead of a mouthful of warm cereal, I closed my mouth around a spoon that contained a miniscule amount of oatmeal and a drop of milk.

“That’s good..... great,” Nicole coached.

I dropped the spoon onto the tray. “Bitch, dammit,” I shouted in frustration.

Nicole was desensitized by my words. I’m sure she had heard it all, but still, it was embarrassing that I couldn’t control what I was saying either.

“Hey Nick! Breakfast?”

I saw Brian enter the room and I felt relief wash over me.

“He’s trying to eat breakfast by himself,” Nicole cheerfully pointed out.

Brian’s face brightened, I could see he was just as pleased as I was about the development. He caught my look of disapproval about Nicole being in the room while I ate.

“Thank God, that’s wonderful. Hey, I can take it from here, I mean, as long as it’s okay with you,” Brian smiled as he approached the bed.

“Um... sure, I guess it would be,” Nicole hesitantly replied. “If you need anything Nick, use the call button, okay?”

I nodded yes quickly, trying to get her out of the room. I tried struggling with the spoon again. I noticed Brian’s face matched the feelings of frustration I was feeling.

“It’s okay Nick, I’m sure this will be getting better and better as each hour passes, I mean look, you weren’t even able to move your hand yesterday,” Brian pointed out.

I shrugged my shoulders. God, how does Brian always know the right words to say to people?

I could tell it was tearing him apart watching me try to eat and look like a two year old in the process. I managed to get a half a bowl of oatmeal down me before I got tired of the whole deal and gave up. I was still hungry but I didn’t care.

“Lizz?”

“She’s fine,” Brian lied.

“See Lizz?”

I was hoping Brian would agree to my request, it was a long shot, but I tried it every time I saw either him or Kyung.

Brian shook his head no. “You can’t and you know that Nick, why do you always ask?”

I managed to smile. Hell a guy can try.

Nicole entered the room. “Kyung wanted me to tell you that she was going to drive to Tulsa and she would call you as soon as the surgery was over with.”

My mind raced with questions, Brian had been hiding something and I knew it, now it was confirmed. The guilty look on his face said it all. He didn’t want to look me in the eyes as he quietly thanked Nicole for the information. I clamped my left hand on his arm, I felt his body tense up. He turned and faced me.

“Spill,” I slowly said.

Just as Brian opened his mouth to reply, AJ burst through the door.

“Nickolas! my boy, how the fuck are you doing?”

I narrowed my eyes at AJ. He always had the persona of picking the wrong place, wrong time, and wrong choice of words.

AJ looked at my face and then at Brian’s. “Not good?”

“Spill,” I asked Brian again, trying to ignore AJ at the moment.

Brian sighed. “Lizz is being sent to Tulsa, but Nick its good news, they found a kidney for her and she’s getting a transplant! Trust me, she wasn’t very happy about being separated from you but this is where the surgical team was and she had no other choice.”

I was happy to hear the news, but for some reason I felt that Brian was hiding something from me, after all, he would have mentioned something when he first came in the room but instead he chose to be secretive about the whole situation. I decided to accept his explanation for now.

Lizz looked around the operating room, fear in her eyes. Thoughts played in her head. Her worry about Nick, her fear about what if she didn’t make it through surgery, her fear of her body rejecting the donated kidney.

“Okay honey, we’re all set, are you ready?” the anesthesiologist softly asked.

“No, but I guess I don’t have any choice,” Lizz whispered.

“Sorry, afraid not, besides, doctor prefers his patients asleep during surgery,” the doctor winked.

Before Lizz could respond, she felt the burn in her arm and the funny taste in her mouth..... Then it was dark.

Kyung paced back and forth around the surgical waiting room in Tulsa. A familiar sensation of de ja vú filled her and she sighed. It was the waiting that was the worst. Well, that and the “what-ifs?” Kyung tried to force herself not to even go there. Lizz was going to be okay. Finally, out of sheer boredom she sat down on one of the hard, plastic couches and tried to watch some TV. How boring, the news.

“Nick, would it be okay if AJ and I went down to the cafeteria for a little bit?” Brian asked.

Nick nodded and even smiled a little. He was so worried about Brian. Nick knew Brian was totally exhausted, but was too determined to stay by his best friend’s side than take care of himself. If going to the cafeteria meant getting some food into him, then Nick was all for it. He concentrated on making his next word come out right. “Eat!”

Brian chuckled. “I will don’t worry.” He looked pleased that Nick was getting better at expressing his thoughts.

“You look like you need to eat something. How are you even standing?” AJ stared at Brian.

Brian just shrugged. “No choice in the matter.” He turned his attention back to Nick. “Have your nurse page me if you need anything, okay bud?”

Nick nodded at the TV. “Watch TV, go eat!” He ordered with a grin. Okay, so maybe it didn’t come out crystal clear, but he was definitely getting better.

AJ glanced up at Nick’s TV. “Yeah, news, how exciting.” He muttered. Then he grinned. “Isn’t Jerry Springer on?”

Brian groaned. “Let’s go.” They both walked out and headed for the cafeteria.

“Okay, what did I just miss? Why did he just look upset?” AJ asked.

“As usual, when he saw me, he asked if he could go see Lizz...” Brian started.

“Lizz?” AJ interrupted.

“The girl that Nick talked to right before he took those pills. She drank that medicine and nearly died!” Brian exclaimed, exasperated.

“Sorry! I forgot her name that’s all.” AJ held up his hands.

“Anyway, they finally got a kidney for her. Only...” Brian paused.

“Only...” AJ prompted. He could tell whatever this was, it wasn’t good.

“The kidney is coming from a girl that killed herself after reading what was in the Enquirer.” Brian said quietly.

“Holy shit.” AJ murmured. “That’s bad.” Brian nodded. “Lizz was asking who the donor was. I told her everything except for how she died. Nick doesn’t know either. I’m afraid of how they are going to react when they find out. They both blame themselves for this and this might set either one of them or both of them over the edge.”

AJ shook his head sadly.

Kyung barely paid attention to the newscaster explaining the increase in gas prices. She ignored the latest from the White House. When the weather came on, she felt her heart tug. She knew how fascinated with weather Lizz was. She would watch The Weather Channel for fun, claiming that she couldn’t turn it because “the local forecast was coming up.” And if it had to do with thunderstorms or tornadoes, Lizz would be glued to the screen. That was, of course, if she wasn’t out chasing them. She was so full of life. And just plain full of it too. Always getting into some kind of trouble. Kyung shook her head of the thoughts. She was not going to start crying. Again.

“Breaking news from the Backstreet Tragedy!”

Kyung’s attention immediately snapped to the TV screen.

“The horror continues to unfold as a young girl’s life ends.” The newscaster stated gravely, yet with a trace of excitement.

“It has been reported that a girl in St. Louis, Missouri has taken her life after hearing that her favorite Backstreet Boy will no longer be the same.”

Nick stared in horror at the screen. He had almost changed the station from the boring grey-weathered forecast, when this new bulletin had come on.

“To recap, Nick Carter, of the world famous pop group, the Backstreet Boys, attempted to take his life only a couple short weeks ago. He was reportedly on the internet at the time and told an online friend over AOL that he didn’t want to live. Out of desperation, the girl, Lizz Hulford, threatened to drink a bottle of medication in order to stop Carter. Her efforts proved futile when both ended up in a hospital in Oklahoma City, in critical condition. After several seizures and even a stroke, Carter is in little more than a vegetative state. Only recently has he regained minimal motor and speech skills. Hulford lost her kidneys and needed a transplant in order to live.”

Brian and AJ stared at the TV in the cafeteria. It had been fairly noisy in there, but as soon as this broadcast came on, it had quieted down. It was becoming rather well-known that both Nick and previously Lizz were being treated here.

“Where the hell did they get all this information?!” Demanded Brian angrily.

AJ gave Brian a look as if to say, “you really have to ask?” Nearly every detail of their lives was thrust into the public eye.

“The National Enquirer recently printed an article on the subject. A fan, who’s name we cannot disclose at this time, was devastated and has taken her life.” The report continued.

“Oh god!” Brian jumped up. “What if Nick is watching this?!”

Simultaneously AJ and Brian took off in a sprint towards the elevators.

Nick’s heart was pounding and he started to feel sick. First Lizz, now this girl. Her life was over because of him! He started to shake and he barely noticed the tears streaming out of his eyes. He tried to will his body to move, but it wouldn’t obey him. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t take it. He needed Brian. He started to push the call button, but he was stopped by the sudden lack of air that he was experiencing. His whole body was trembling now and he couldn’t seem to get any air. The panic was overwhelming him.

Kyung sat glued to the TV. She couldn’t believe she was watching this. Immediately she was concerned that there was a remote possibility that Nick could be seeing this. She thanked God that Lizz wasn’t. Kyung knew that it would be really bad if either Lizz or Nick found out about the suicide. She wanted to call Brian, but couldn’t tear herself away from the TV. She remained glued to it, unaware of the sudden emergency in the operating room.

Brian and AJ rushed into the hospital room to find Nick gasping for air.

“SHIT,” Brian yelled as he slapped the code button on the wall. A team of people in scrubs rushed into the room pushing AJ and Brian aside. The two stood off to one side the room and could do nothing but watch as the people worked frantically around Nick.

“His sats are 68!” A voice barked out.

“Intubate?” Another voice questioned.

“Prep him,” someone directed.

I could only lay there, trying to keep awake and struggle to breathe. ‘What the hell was happening to me? It felt like I was breathing through a straw after running a mile. When one doctor said intubate I panicked. God, they can’t do that to me! Just let me die, please anything but this!’

“Doctor her sats and BP are dipping,” a nurse observed.

“Her lungs are shot! Shit, why didn’t anyone address this? Why the hell are we putting a kidney into her when her lungs are in this shape?” the doctor yelled. “Call the organ procurement center, stat!”

As the doctor worked frantically on Lizz to keep her alive, a nurse had received the call back from the organ procurement center.

“Doctor Robinson here, I have Elizabeth Hurlford on the table. Donor kidney ready to transplant. Do you still have the host?”

The only noise in the OR was the machines and the respirator, forcing oxygen into Lizz’s taxed lungs.

“Great, can you send the lungs STAT......how long.......okay we are on standby.”

Hanging up the phone, the doctor walked back to the table and looked at Lizz’s face behind the draped sheets. “Hang in there honey, help is coming.”

“What the hell caused that episode?” AJ asked as he stared down at a sedated Nick lying in his bed.

“I’m not sure, it was fluky,” the young resident doctor replied.

“Fluky?” AJ narrowed his eyes. “A man’s oxygen level goes from a 96 to a 68? He’s not even asthmatic!”

“His body has gone through some trauma with the overdosed medications, your guess is as good as mine,” the resident replied. He checked the machines surrounding the bedside again. “His levels are going back up, so see, there’s nothing to get worked up over.”

AJ glared at the young resident. He hated his carefree attitude about Nick’s condition.

Kyung woke up when the surgeon touched her lightly on the shoulder. She was shocked to think that she had fallen asleep. It took her a few moments to orientate her to where she was.

“Hi, my name’s Dr. Richards, Lizz is already out of surgery and back into ICU.”

Kyung looked at her watch. “Oh my god, she’s been on the table for nine hours?”

“There were some complications during the surgery, her lungs were starting to fail her, however, we were lucky that the donor of her kidney was also a suitable donor for lungs and we were able to request them before they were shipped elsewhere.”

Kyung gasped at the thought of a lung transplant. Lizz had been in and out of hospitals most of her life because of her lungs, at one time she had been on a critical waiting list.

“H..how is she?” Kyung stammered, almost afraid to ask.

“She is doing okay, holding her own. I feel that she will have a full recovery and with the new lungs, she will have a new lease on life,” the doctor explained.

“Can I go see her?” Kyung asked as she stood up.

“I don’t see why not,” Dr. Richards replied.

“Thank you doctor, thanks for everything,” Kyung said as she pumped the doctor’s hand up and down.

Kyung hesitantly pushed open the door to Lizz's room in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. The lighting was dim and the hiss of the ventilator could be heard, along with the steady beeps of the heart monitor. Kyung pulled a chair close to the side of the bed and sank into it. Lizz still hadn't woken up yet and other than the tube that was in her mouth, she looked peaceful.

As she watched Lizz sleep, Kyung’s thoughts drifted to what had happened in the past weeks. How unbelievable it all was. She couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen now. Everyone’s lives had changed so much because of all this. What would all of this do to the Backstreet Boys? Especially Nick. Kyung felt encouraged that he was expected to make a full recovery, but she also knew it would take time. Not to mention he would always have to take seizure medications, according to that doctor. What concerned her the most, however, was the psychological damage that all this might have on Nick. How was he going to react when he found out about the girl that donated Lizz’s kidney and now lungs?

Kyung’s attention shifted to Lizz. Lizz was a strong person, but this was more than she had ever had to deal with before. Her life was going to be changed drastically in more ways than one. She in the world’s spotlight as The Girl Who Followed Nick Carter’s Suicide Attempt. There were still all kinds of different speculations as to why she did it. It was anywhere from Lizz being an obsessive fan to a torrid affair with Nick. This might be something that could follow her wherever she goes. In addition to all that, providing her body didn’t reject her new organs, Lizz now had a new lease on life. She now could think about having a family, a solid career, even retiring someday without that little doubt in the back of her head. Lizz had always remained positive and confident that she would reach an old age, much for the benefit of those around her as well as for her own sake. Kyung, being her best friend, knew that she had days where she felt discouraged, but she always managed to push it away. Lizz often told Kyung that God put her on this earth for a reason. She was going to live up to it. Now she was going to be able to do it without the burden of compromised health. If she could get through this...

Kyung sighed. It was amazing to her how much Lizz and Nick were alike. And not all of it was complimentary. They were both ornery and stubborn as hell. They made reckless decisions without bothering to think about themselves. Kyung didn’t even want to think about Lizz going to see Nick on her own and ending up tearing her stitches. Nor did she want to remember Nick going to see Lizz and then having a seizure right then and there. But on the other hand, it wasn’t all bad. They were both two of the most sensitive people she had ever known. The entire time that they had both been in the hospital, they didn’t seem to give much of a damn about what was going on with them. Instead they were always asking about each other or Brian or her. She knew Lizz would have given anything to make everything okay, no matter the cost. She knew Nick would have done the same.

Kyung’s thoughts drifted back to what was going on in OKC. She was a little concerned about leaving Brian. He still hadn’t been sleeping or eating enough and she didn’t want him to pass out again. She smiled sardonically when she realized that she wasn’t doing a whole lot better herself. She hadn’t eaten since sometime yesterday morning. And that was just a banana and a half a glass of orange juice. She slipped her hand through Lizz’s and continued to worry.

Nick opened his eyes and shifted them around the room slowly, finally landing on AJ and then Brian. They had both been waiting by his bed anxiously to wake up. The resident had left not even ten minutes ago.

“Nick, how ya feeling?” Brian asked softly.

“Yeah, man, you scared the hell out of us.” AJ added.

“What...?” Nick whispered. The sedation hadn’t completely worn off and he still looked pretty out of it.

Brian glanced at AJ uncomfortably, not sure how to answer Nick. He didn’t want to say that he had a panic attack and then Nick want to know why. But what was the use in trying to hide it? Nick would have to know sooner or later.

“You had a panic attack.” AJ said quietly.

Nick’s eyes widened. The expression on his face changed from one of confusion to despair.

Brian’s heart fell. “You saw the news huh?” He asked quietly.

Nick nodded, the tears coming.

“Nick...” Brian started. Nick just shook his head miserably. “No, Nick, listen to me. You cannot let this tear you apart. Do you hear me? You have come too far in this. You’ve just started getting better. The doctor’s say you are going to make a full recovery. You can’t give up now.” Brian said emphatically.

“But Lizz...and her...” Nick whispered.

“It’s awful that that happened, but you can’t dwell on that. You have to learn from it. By giving up you won’t help anyone. There are too many people that need you.” AJ said.

Nick shook his head. “No one...” His voice was barely audible.

Brian stopped him. “Yes they do! You family needs you, your fans need you, the Backstreet Boys need you. I need you, Nick. And what about Lizz? She needs you. You two have barely been able to talk to each other since this happened, but you have been helping each other more than you know. You have to keep fighting.”

Nick nodded. He didn’t look totally convinced, but he did look a little better. He scrunched up his face in concentration. After a moment he asked quietly, “Lizz?”

“She’s in Tulsa getting the transplant, remember? The surgery was supposed to last just a few hours so she should be out...” Brian stopped and checked his watch. His jaw dropped. “Crap.” He turned to AJ and spoke softly. “She should have been out hours ago and Kyung promised to call as soon as she was out!”

“Don’t fret yet, maybe Kyung forgot. I’m sure it’s kind of crazy down there.” AJ tried to calm the urgency in Brian’s voice.

Nick watched the exchange nervously. They were speaking too softly for him to hear what they were saying, but he knew it was bad when he saw the look on Brian’s face. “What?!” He demanded loudly.

Brian glanced at Nick. “Ah, nothing. I’m going to page Kyung to call me back. We can find out how she is.” He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the numbers. They waited quietly for a few minutes. Nick was getting worried. He didn’t know how long he was out for, but it seemed like Lizz had left many hours ago. A kidney transplant shouldn’t have taken this long should it?

“I hope everything is going smoothly there. Kyung was telling me that they knew a lot of people in Tulsa and she hoped it wouldn’t be a chaotic mess like it was here. She did say that Lizz wanted to come here after the surgery. She was pissed that she didn’t get to say bye to you, Nick.” Brian said.

“Will they transfer her back here?” AJ asked.

Brian shrugged. Nick looked like he was ready to say something, but then Brian’s cell chirped.

AJ and Nick’s attention was totally focused on Brian as he answered his cell phone. Although they hung on every word on Brian’s end of the conversation, neither were able to decipher what was happening with Lizz.

“Lizz is out of surgery and in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit,” Brian said as he closed his cell phone up.

“And?” AJ pressed for more information.

“And so far it appears that the transplants were successful,” Brian replied.

Nick slowly formed the words to his question. “Is....she.....awake?”

Brian shook his head no. “I’m afraid not yet, they have her pretty sedated and she’s on a ventilator.”

Nick started shaking his head, his eyes filling with tears.

“Nick, it’s probably common after surgery. They said they were able to give Lizz new lungs from the same body so I’m assuming they put people on a ventilator after a lung transplant,” Brian suggested.

“It’s all my fault,” Nick said quietly.

“No it’s not,” Brian replied, rubbing Nick’s shoulder.

“My fault,” Nick mumbled quietly. Deep down he felt that there was nothing that Brian or AJ could say or do that would make him change his mind about shouldering the blame for what happened to Lizz.

Lizz’s eyes fluttered open as she quickly scanned the unfamiliar room. Her eyes fell on Kyung, curled up in a chair next to her bed. There were so many questions that Lizz wanted to ask. She slowly reached up and touched the vent tubing; she knew she had no other choice but to wait for Kyung to wake up.

“Good morning Lizz, glad to see you’re awake,” a nurse cheerily stated to Lizz as she breezed into the room.

Kyung jumped, startled by the nurses voice.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were still here,” the nurse apologized.

Kyung stretched. “It’s okay, I really don’t want to be sleeping when Lizz is awake. Hi honey, how are you feeling?”

Lizz managed to roll her eyes in reply to Kyung.

“That bad, eh? Felt like you were run over by a Mac Truck?”

Lizz blinked her eyes twice for yes, it was the system her and Kyung were accustomed to from the last time she was on a vent.

Kyung laughed. “I figured as much.”

As she set about adjusting Lizz’s pillows and blankets to make her feel more comfortable she sighed deeply when her eyes met up with Lizz’s.

“Oh god, Lizz, can’t you just worry about getting yourself stronger right now? I think you’re pretty important and I don’t like seeing you run yourself down by worrying about Nick.”

Lizz’s frown didn’t fade.

“I just talked to Brian to update him on how you were and I told him you were doing good, but would need rest.” Kyung sighed again. “Oh honestly Lizz, I didn’t ask how Nick was but I’m sure he’s doing better.”

Lizz continued to stare at Kyung. She knew that eventually her wishes would be figured out. Kyung and she had shared that type of bond, each knowing what the other was thinking.

“But you can’t talk to him silly, you’re on a vent....alright, alright, I’m dialing him right now, you are so stubborn.”

Lizz let her body relax a bit. Her mission was accomplished. She dismissed the intense pain she was feeling from the incisions and was silently praying that the nurse would hold off injecting the morphine into her IV line just a little longer until after she got to hear Nick’s voice.

“Hi Brian, it’s Kyung again. Are you still with Nick?”

“Yup, haven’t left his room yet,” Brian replied.

As soon as Nick said his good-bye to Lizz, he handed the phone back to Brian. Then he covered his eyes and tried unsuccessfully to keep from crying. AJ rubbed his shoulder, while watching Brian.

“No, it’s Brian.” He said into the phone. “Is she okay?...” Brian shifted his gaze to Nick. “He’s the same I think. Oh, I would recommend keeping Lizz from watching the news.” Brian stated carefully, keeping his voice very soft. He didn’t want Nick to hear what he was talking about. He wanted to avoid that whole subject. “...Yeah, unfortunately. It was pretty bad...I know. Neither one of them will listen to any of us either....I think you are right, but they need to let go of it before it totally consumes them....Yeah, same with you....Bye Kyung.” Brian flipped his phone shut and turned back to AJ and Nick.

“Bri, can I use your laptop?” Nick asked as soon as Brian had hung up.

“Uh...I don’t think so.” Brian shook his head.

“C’mon, like I would do that to yours!” Nick exclaimed.

Brian pondered it a moment. He never let Nick use his computer because out of anger, Nick had thrown his own across the room a few months ago. The poor thing was never the same. Brian didn’t want his laptop to meet the same demise. However when he looked at Nick’s pleading eyes, he caved.

“Yeah, I guess so, but why? What’s wrong with yours?” He asked hesitantly.

“I have an idea.” Nick started. He glanced at AJ. “I have a huge favor to ask of you.”

“What?” AJ asked warily.

“I need you to take my laptop to Lizz. Just until she can come back here again. So we can keep talking.” Nick explained.

“All the way to Tulsa?!” AJ didn’t look thrilled at the idea.

“Please AJ? This is really important. It’s only a two hour drive.” Nick pleaded.

AJ sighed in defeat. “You owe me big, man.”

Nick smiled. “Brian, will you call Kyung back?”

Brian nodded, inwardly pleased that Nick’s spirits seemed to have improved. He would do anything to help Nick. He dialed the phone. After a quick conversation Brian hung up and told Nick and AJ the plan. Kyung had agreed to meet AJ in Stroud which was about halfway between OKC and Tulsa. About a half hour after that, the plan was in motion.

I had the back of my bed elevated a little so I could see Nick’s laptop. When I woke up I was thrilled when Kyung told me about Nick’s idea. I didn’t even mind being alone for a few hours so Kyung could meet AJ to pick it up. I wasn’t sure what time it was when I talked to Nick, but I knew it was pretty early in the day. It was dark now, but it wasn’t too late. Just an hour ago they had taken out the vent, much to my relief. I was on oxygen now and my throat hurt like a bitch, but anything to have that tube out of me. Kyung had just set up the laptop for me and positioned it so I could see it easily. It hurt to sit up this much (and I was barely even sitting up), but I didn’t dare complain. I was too happy to get to talk to Nick.

“All set babe?” She asked as she keyed in the password to sign it onto the internet.

I nodded impatiently, but smiled at her. She was an angel.

As soon as it said I was connected I signed on to AOL instant messenger. I paused for a moment before choosing a name. I definitely wouldn’t use the one I had before. I never wanted to see that one again. I chose another. Then something occurred to me. How would he know I was on? I had his computer which had his buddy lists, which had all my screen names on them. I decided to just start putting in names that I knew of his. Finally, after four tries, I found him.

Oceans My Mirror:hey!!

Nick Cartman:lizz!

Oceans My Mirror:how are you doin?

Nick Cartman:doin better. how are you?

I wasn’t about to tell him how much pain I was in, but to tell ya the truth, that was actually of little significance right now. I was finally talking to Nick and that was what mattered.

Oceans My Mirror:doin pretty good, considering lol. it was so good to hear your voice earlier. I was gonna ask you to sing for me, but I decided to be nice and let ya off the hook this time.

Nick Cartman:lol thanks

Nick Cartman:I’m not sure I can even remember all the words yet. my brain is still screwed up

Oceans My Mirror:it’ll come back to ya. so how are you really doing?

Nick Cartman:its hard. I cant even think about that girl.

That girl? What did he mean? Terri?

Oceans My Mirror:what do you mean?

Nick Cartman:I don’t know how to handle it. first you, now this girl commits suicide.

My jaw dropped. Suicide?! Oh god, my donor. She killed herself. Oh god. My fault too. Oh god.

Nick Cartman:it’s gonna take some time for us to get over this, ya know? i mean with that girl killing herself and stuff i really do blame myself but i guess we have to look at the good that came from this, right?

I hit enter and waited for Lizz to reply. It seemed to be taking her forever to respond but I figured it was because she was weak. A few minutes went by and nothing was returned.

Nick Cartman:Lizz? are ye alive?

I was starting to wonder if the AOL messenger was messed up. That was always a typical thing. I rebooted the messenger and tried again.

Nick Cartman:yo! Lizzard....hello???

I looked up as Brian entered the room, smiling from ear to ear. “So, Nick, how’s the chat going?”

“She’s not answering, something’s wrong,” I replied, staring at the screen. “Something’s very wrong. Call Kyung!”

“Nick, calm down, she’s using your laptop, remember? Maybe it finally died, I mean those things aren’t made to be thrown across rooms,” Brian observed.

I shook my head. “No, something’s really wrong Brian, call her now!”

“Okay, okay, just calm down,” Brian said as he opened his cell phone and started to punch the numbers in.

I managed to watch Brian’s face and look at the laptop screen simultaneously. I could see worry start to spread across his face.

As the cell phone kept ringing, Brian grew worried. This was not like Kyung, she usually picked up by the second ring.

“What’s wrong? Something’s happened, oh god,” I moaned. I knew something was definitely wrong now by the look on Brian’s face.

“It’s busy,” Brian lied as he disconnected the number. He punched in a new set of numbers. “I’ll just try her pager, she should be calling me within a few minutes.”

I nodded as I continued to stare at the screen, waiting for Lizz to answer me.

Kyung jumped from her seat when she saw the oxygen sats drop down to 91%. This was not a normal reading for someone that is on continuous oxygen.

“Breathe Lizz, come on, what’s wrong!”

Kyung grabbed her friend by the shoulders and shook her, trying to stimulate her into breathing. When nothing happened, she dashed into the bathroom filling a small cup with ice water. She returned to Lizz and splashed the water into her face, causing Lizz to errupt into gasping breaths of air. Her sats climbed back up to 99%.

“What’s wrong?”

Lizz just continued to stare at the screen, pointing a finger at it.

Kyung turned the laptop towards her and read the conversation. She gasped. She suddenly realized that she and Brian’s plan had one small flaw in it, they forgot to tell Nick that Lizz was unaware about the suicide of her organ doner.

“Shit, Lizz, I’m sorry you had to hear about it like that,” Kyung said as she placed a comforting arm around her best friend. “But you have to understand that this girl didn’t kill herself because of Nick’s suicide attempt, she did it after reading all of the false information that was printed in that paper. She was devastated to think that Nick would never be able to walk, talk or sing again. Sweetheart, you have to remember that although she took away God’s gift of life she returned it by giving you a new chance in life, you can’t blame yourself, understand me?”

Lizz managed to weakly shake her head yes. She wanted to believe Kyung’s words about blame, but she knew she would never be able to. If she had stopped Nick, the story would have never been printed.

Before Kyung could continue, her cell phone that was sitting on the table across the room started ringing. She ignored it and hugged Lizz, trying to comfort her. When her pager started to vibrate, she looked down at the message bar.

“Oh my god, type something in, quick! Let them know you’re okay!”

Lizz nodded.

Oceans My Mirror:Sorry about that, I had my nurse in here.

Nick Cartman:Thank god! I was beginning to worry! Are you okay?

Oceans My Mirror:Nick, if you don’t mind, I feel sleepy and I think I need to rest.

Nick Cartman:it’s okay Lizz, talk to you tomorrow, love ya bye

Oceans My Mirror:Love you too, bye

As Kyung disconnected the internet and closed the laptop, Lizz settled back into the pillows and closed her eyes.

I stood in the doorway to Lizz’s hospital room, I knew I was shaking, my legs were still not used to supporting me. She was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her up. Brian stood behind me, his hand holding onto the stupid belt they made me wear when I was up and about, ready to catch me if I fell.

“Come on Nick, this is all I’ve been hearing out of your mouth for the past three weeks was how you couldn’t wait to see her,” Brian whispered.

As I set my jaw, I hesitantly took a step towards the threshold into Lizz’s private room. My knees buckled, almost sending me crashing to the floor, but thankfully, Brian had a grip on the belt and groaned as he braced himself and jerked me back into a better position. The noise, unfortunately, woke Lizz up.

Lizz’s eyes focused on Nick standing at the foot of her bed, a big smile on his face. She rubbed her eyes, chalking the vision up to her not being fully awake or the medications she was taking.

I laughed at the confused look on her face. God, she was so sweet and innocent looking! I really appreciated her as a friend.

“Hey there lazy girl!” I teased.

“Oh my god, Nick! Wait a minute, you punk! You never told me they were letting you out!” Lizz folded her arms across her chest. “I’m mad at you!”

I looked at her and tried to give her my best face with a hurt look on it. I smiled when I saw the smile spread across her face and watched in awe as she slowly pulled the covers off her legs and gently raised herself out of her bed. Her steps were almost as slow and shaky as mine, but her legs were stronger, I glanced back at Brian, standing behind me. He looked a little nervous.

Lizz wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into the tightest hug I’ve ever gotten in my life.

“You really are tall.”

Brian raised an eyebrow to that remark. He was expecting something a little different from her mouth.

Looking down at the top of her head, I could only think of one remark, “And you’re definitely short, much shorter than I ever expected.”

“Sit down, I’ll climb back into bed, we have lots to talk about,” Lizz directed as she walked back towards her bed and slowly sat down. As she watched Nick struggle to walk towards the chair, her heart sank, she felt a pang of guilt, still feeling that this was something she could have prevented.

“I made arrangements to have my physical therapy here so I could come and visit you until you were better,” I stated, looking into her eyes to see if she was pleased with the idea.

“Oh, Nick, that’s wonderful. You know I worry about you too much, don’t you?”

I shook my head yes. “Probably as much as I worry about you.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was here.

“What?” Nick asked me.

I grinned at him. “Just you being here. You look great.”

He smiled back. “I’m feeling a lot better. Still the slow days, but ya know how it is.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I still can’t get used to the idea of new lungs. I’m not 100% yet, but still, it blows my mind. Plus, now I have a cool looking battle scar.” I nodded down to where the incision traveled halfway down my chest.

Brian raised an eyebrow. “Cool looking?” That wasn’t what he had expected to hear either.

I laughed. “Ya know...”

At that moment Kyung walked in. I had totally forgotten that she went to the cafeteria. Her eyes lit up when she saw Brian and Nick. “I take you made it here okay?”

I shot her an accusing glare. “You were in on this too?”

She smirked at me. “Yeah, what are ya gonna do about it?”

“Body slam you.”

Nick cracked up. “You and your threats of body slamming! Have you followed through on one of those threats yet?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Want to be the first?”

He laughed harder.

Brian watched us all, shaking his head. I saw that he was trying to keep from laughing.

“You think that’s funny?! Step in line!” I tossed at him.

That did it. We were all laughing. Finally Brian stood up, giving Kyung pointed looks, and announced that he was going to take a walk. Kyung hastily agreed and they left Nick and I alone.

“Wow, I know we have talked about everyday, but you being here is just...wow. An awesome surprise.” I finished. I couldn’t stop smiling.

“That’s the idea.” He replied. “So where’s your parents?”

My parents had finally found out about two and a half weeks ago. They saw it on the news. Believe it or not. All of Kyung attempts to get a hold of them and then they see it on the news. They were in a mild state of shock when they got here. I was relieved that I had had the surgery a couple of days before so I was looking better. We had some long talks and since then, they had been up here as much as possible.

“They went to get something to eat.”

“You mean they left??” Nick kidded. He was well aware of how I was starting to go a little crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I was more than happy that they were here, but I was starting to feel suffocated.

“No joke.” I rolled my eyes.

There was a moment of quiet. Then Nick spoke, his voice quiet. “Do you ever just sit back and think about the whole thing? About why the things happened the way they did or what would have happened if it didn’t happen that way?”

I nodded. “Constantly. If I hadn’t signed on when I did. Terri and that damned tabloid. If that girl hadn’t read that, she wouldn’t have...and I probably wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what to think about that. If none of this would have happened, I wouldn’t have new lungs. But you wouldn’t have had to go through all this. I would never want you to go through this, even if that did mean dying younger than I would now. But if this had never happened, there might have been another time ya know? Another time that you might have tried something and what if no one was there that time? But now after all this, so much as changed...Am I making any sense?”

Nick nodded. “Complete sense. I hate that I have affected so many people because of what I did. But like you said, it might have happened again. But now, after seeing what the consequences are, I would never go down that road again.” He stopped and bowed his head. “But why did this have to be such an expensive lesson?” He whispered.

I reached over and put my hand on his. “Because those are the ones that are the most well-learned. Nick, you aren’t the only one who learned something. Everyone affected did. We’re stronger because of this. You know that right?”

He looked up at me and nodded.

“We’ve still got a way’s to go. And not just physically. The world is going to remember this for awhile. We can’t let what people say, get to us. We’ll get through this, all the way.”

Nick showed a hint of a smile. “Damn Lizz, you sound like Brian.”

I grinned. “Thanks.” My eyelids starting feeling heavy, but I fought it. I was so happy to see Nick, I didn’t want to go to sleep now. But Nick noticed.

“Lizz, you need to rest.”

I shook my head, feeling more and more drowsy.It's the meds. Well, that and they said I would be a lot more tired for awhile... I trailed off.

"So go to sleep. Lizzard, we have all the time in the world while I am getting PT here." Nick insisted.

"Okay, on one condition." I whispered, fighting sleep.

"What?"

"Sing for me."

"Damn, you never give up do you?�" He rolled his eyes, but I saw a glint of a smile. "Okay, fine, but don't think this isn't going to be a regular thing.

"Okay." I grinned like the Cheshire Cat. I relaxed into the covers. Nick's beautiful voice was the last thing I heard as I drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Right at that moment, I couldn't have been happier. ~the end~