The wooden blinds on the window made an eerie sound as it scraped against the wall as the warm gulf breeze pushed it’s way into the room. Huddled beneath a thick comforter, Nick peeked out of his cocoon toward the noise, staring at the blinds, watching them gently swing back and forth, allowing light to slip in each time they were pushed out.

He shivered despite the warmth of the blankets, debating on whether he wanted to get up to close the windows. He doubted he could summon up the energy he needed to get up.

All he desired was to sleep. Sleeping seem to be how the majority of his days were spent lately. He couldn’t get enough of it. He would take a few naps in the morning and again in the afternoon only to slip into bed for the night at an early hour.

Instead of promotional tours, Nick’s life was now filled with doctor appointments, trips to the hospital for radiation therapy, chemotherapy and oncology check ups, doctors appointments, meds and naps.

As he laid in bed, Nick wished that the last year of his life had only been a part of some cruel dream; the ever present gnawing pain in his gut told him otherwise. When he had hoped that he was getting better, Dr. Andersen’s words took the wind out of his sails.

”I’m sorry but the cancer has spread and we will have to become more agressive with the chemotherapy and radiation therapy sessions. Just to warn you Nickolas, there will be more hospitalization for you down the road......”

Nick remembered her speaking more to him, but he went numb after the first two sentences. Looking back, he wondered how he kept himself from losing it and bawling in her office when she broke the news he suspected was going to be coming sooner or later. He took it strong in front of her, holding in his tears until he made it back to the safety of his car.

She wanted to start the chemo again that afternoon, but he managed to persuade her to wait a few days until he could take care of matters before starting the chemo again. He knew that this next time around could very well make him sicker than before.

To their fans. There could be no more hiding the cancer. After the car accident and the media coverage and some of the not-so-pretty pictures that were splashed across the newspapers, tabloids and the internet, speculations were running high that something was horribly wrong.

Nick slowly raised himself from the bed and padded to the bathroom across the deep green carpeted floor. Standing in front of the large mirror, brought himself to actually keep his eyes on the image that was reflecting. He had usually turned away from looking at himself not wanting to face the devistating effects that the cancer had done to his body.

Preparing himself for the worst, Nick slipped his shirt off and took a long, hard look at his body. The first thing his eyes fell on was the top of the port that jutted out just below his collarbone. His skin was blotchy and dry and there were signs of a “faded sunburn” from where the radiation had taken place on his stomach.

Placing his hand lightly over the area, Nick was surprised at how hard his stomach felt. For as distended as it appeared, he thought it would have jiggled or gave a little but it was taut, like a balloon. He frowned when he looked further up his chest and then narrowed his eyes, leaning closer toward the mirror.

“Nah, your mind is playing tricks,” Nick mumbled as he stopped his visual inventory, opening a drawer and pulling out the tube of toothpaste.

Scrubbing his teeth as hard as he dared, Nick glanced into the mirror at his face. To him he felt he was staring back at the reflection of a fifty year old man, not the twenty-two year old he was. His eyes looked dull and lacked the spark he used to have, he decided he looked as worn out as he felt.

Spitting the foam into the sink, he once again noticed that it was pink tinged, bleeding gums always the wonderful bonus of the meds he was on for the cancer. Nick stared at his pale complection for a moment before he set about his daily task of gently washing his face. As he reached for the hand towel, a firm knock on the door stopped him momentairly.

“Nick? Are you alright?”

Nick groaned inwardly. He couldn’t have a moment to himself without Brian or someone checking up on him. “Yeah, I’m fine.... I’ll be out in a minute.”

“I just kinda worried when you didn’t answer when I knocked on your bedroom door, that’s all,” Brian said in a hushed tone.

Nick laughed. “I’m not dead yet.”

“Please don’t say that.... ever.”

Cocking his head to one side, Nick could have sworn that Brian sounded hurt. Drying his face off quickly, he opened the door. “Take it easy Bri, I was just kidding.” He could see in his friend’s face that the joke was more than a joke to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Brian waved him off, taking a slow shaky breath in. “Just don’t ever joke about something like that again, please?”

Nick nodded grinning slightly. The smile faded when he realized that there were so many things that he had to accomplish today before he went back to the hospital for his new, agressive round of chemo and being placed back on the portable pump.

Brian picked up on Nick’s sudden change of expression. “What’s wrong?”

“I need to talk with you guys after breakfast.”

“Okay, what about?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders as he tied a navy blue bandanna around his head. “Just wait until after breakfast, okay.”

Brian didn’t want to let it drop, but he reluctantly didn’t press the subject any further. He was watching Nick for some type of clue as to what type of mood he was in this morning, hoping that maybe he could figure what was going on in his head. Quietly, he followed his baby brother down the back stairs that led to the kitchen.

“Hey! Good morning Nick, you timed it perfectly, breakfast is just about done,” Howie greeted the two men as they entered the room. He paused at the sink, watching Nick open the cupboards that held the medications.

Brian walked around Nick and grabbed the table service, trying to take his mind off the awkward moment of the sounds of the pills being dumped out onto the counter. Some days it would hit Brian hard, so hard that he has had to quickly leave the room before he started to cry.

“Is Kev back from running yet?” Nick asked as he stuck his head in the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water.

“Yeah, he’s in the shower.”

“Where’s Bone? Is he still in bed?”

Howie watched as Nick took a handful of the pills and tossed them into his mouth. “What’s with all the questions this morning Nick?”

Thrusting his head back after he took a hefty drink from the bottle, Nick quickly swallowed the medicine and took another drink to ensure that the pills were washed down. “I want to talk to you guys after breakfast and I need everyone here.”

“AJ got back late last night,” Howie replied quietly.

Nick could tell by the body language that Howie was uncomfortable about something. Arching an eyebrow, he waited for more info on AJ. After a few moments when nothing was offered, he finally asked, “Why was he out so late? Where was he last night?”

Howie laughed nervously. “Well, you know how Bone is. He probably got lost coming back or something I guess.”

“Yeah.... right.” There was anything but agreement in Nick’s reply, it was more of a sarcastic response. “I hope he hasn’t started hitting the bottle again.”

Brian and Howie exchanged glances.

“I’ll go get AJ up,” both men stated simultaneously.

“Whoa.. whoa.. wait a sec, somethings up, spill it guys!”

The two men stopped quickly; Howie running into Brian’s back. Kevin got caught in the middle of the rush and was pushed against the door frame.

“What the hell is going on?” he grumbled as he lifted the towel that was draped around his neck.

“Um, we were on our way to grab AJ, breakfast is ready.”

Rubbing his hair furiously with the towel, Kevin replied under the blue terry clothed veil, “I doubt two of you need to get him up.”

Brian held a hand in the air. “Sh-h-h-h.... I think he’s up,”

“Do you hear him?” Howie whispered.

“No....sh-h-h, can’t you smell the cigarette?”

Nick shook his head. “You’re telling us to be quiet to smell the air? I bet you turn the radio down in the car when you smell something too.”

Brian folded his arms defensively across his chest. “Yeah, so what’s wrong with that?”

“Look who’s here,” Kevin said as he looked over Nick’s shoulder.

Everyone turned toward the direction of Kevin’s gaze. AJ was slumped in his chair at the breakfast table, his hair wilder than ever and his goatee had the hint of a five o’clock shadow growth in the areas that were normally trimmed.

“I just want coffee... black coffee,” he mumbled as he lightly ran a hand across his morning beard.

Shaking his head, Nick sighed feeling that his suspicions were true about AJ clubbing again. He would have to have a lengthy discussion with him later. Right now, judging by the way he looked, AJ was suffering from the wrath of his actions.

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air. The men were anticipating about what Nick had gathered them together to talk about, each wondering in silence. Alone in their private thoughts.

Nick drew in a shaky breath as he looked at the faces in the living room: Brian was nervously spinning a throw pillow between his hands, AJ slouched on the couch, his head tilted back, Kevin sitting in the leather recliner, one long leg folded across the opposite knee, and Howie staring at the coffee cup that was setting on the table, rubbing his hands together as if he were trapped in an Artic wind.

“Okay, I know you’re wondering....” Nick’s voice betrayed him, cracking as he started to speak. Tears filled his eyes and he quickly stopped his speech, swallowing, trying desperately to regain composure. He quickly took his gaze from Brian’s face when his best friend’s eyes were brimming with the same tears that were blurring his vision.

“Take your time Nicky,” Kevin drawled in a soothing voice.

Sighing, Nick tugged at the bandanna on his head and cleared his throat. He decided that it would be best not to look at his brothers and opted to stare down at his legs. “Okay,” he started out again, his voice was still thick with emotion and Nick took another calming breath in. “Shit....”

Fear was twisting Brian’s stomach into knots. Nick had seemed different ever since the day Dr. Andersen showed up at the hospital emergency room. He had seemed distant; detached. He feared that what Nick had to tell them wasn’t going to be good news.

Nick laughed softly, shaking his head, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I was never good with public speaking.” The silence that filled the room was awkward and uncomfortable. He dreaded telling his brothers the news he was about to lay on them.

Looking up, Nick’s eyes trailed around the room, glancing at each of his friend’s faces. “I’m sorry... this is just so hard for me.” He took another slow breath in, trying to calm his nerves. “Um... you know how they ran all sorts of tests on me at that hospital after the car accident?”

Nick stopped and waited for a acknowledgement from the group. After a few moments when no one responded, he continued. “Some of the tests didn’t come back so good.” From the corner of his eye, he could see Brian’s head snap up. Trying his best to ignore this, he continued. “My Oncology Doctor said that the cancer is spreading and it didn’t look very good.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t look very good? You told me that everything is going to be okay!”

”Bri.... I never said that. All I’ve ever said to you was that I hope everything is going to be okay.”

“So is this new diagnosis the reason why Dr. Andersen has been trying to get ahold of me?”

“She’s been trying to get ahold of you? What did she have to tell you?”

Brian rested his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. “Nothing yet. We’ve been playing phone tag for the last two days.”

“What the hell is happening with you Nick?” AJ demanded; his voice a harsh whisper.

“Okay, what exactly is going on Nick?” Kevin questioned. “You said it doesn’t look very good.”

“I’m dying.”

“Okay Nick, stop joking about this,” AJ rasped.

As Nick cleared his throat to answer, Howie suddenly stood up and mumbled something inaudible and rushed out of the room toward the kitchen.

“I’ll go to him,” Kevin offered as he quickly eased himself out of the recliner. Half expecting not to find Howie in the kitchen, Kevin was mildly surprised to discover the Latino gripping the edge of the sink with his hands.

“Why do bad things happen to the people I love?” Howie said softly, not taking his eyes from the sink. Kevin stood in the doorway, unsure of what to say. After a few moments, he could see the man’s shoulders noticeably shaking; holding in sobs with the tears he was shedding.

Quietly, Kevin laid a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Howie?”

“Nick is so much like Caroline. He’s young, he has a full life to live. This isn’t fair!” Howie stopped for a moment, reaching out to take a glass down from the cupboard. “And now Nick says he’s dying.”

Kevin reached out and grabbed Howie’s arm as he held the glass under the tap. “Howie.... don’t...”

Howie jerked his arm from Kevin’s grasp. “Nick needs water.” He turned the water on, busying himself as if it would make things better, ignoring Kevin. “I have to get him some water,” he repeated, wiping the tears off his cheeks.

Feeling helpless over the situation, Kevin quietly followed Howie back into the living room, making quick eye contact with Brian and shrugging his shoulders when Brian mouthed ”What’s wrong?”

“Here, you look like you needed some water,” Howie stated as he offered the glass to Nick.

With a puzzled expression on his face, Nick accepted the glass and set it down on the coffee table. “Kevin, I need you to do me a favor.”

“Anything Nick, just ask and it’s yours.”

“I need you to call the producers at Mtv and ask if we can have a live conference.”

”LIVE?”

“Yeah.. live.”

Brian’s heart sank. The denial that was spinning into overdrive in his mind had slammed into the base of his skull. To ask for a live conference could only mean that what Nick was saying was true. “Isn’t there something else we could do about this Nick? Postphone the conference?”

“I would if I could, but time isn’t really on my side anymore,” Nick sighed.

“You sound like you’ve given up,” AJ spat. “How can you just give up on us?”

“I’m not giving up,” Nick countered. “I’m accepting reality.”

“Without a fight? Nick, you can’t stop fighting!”

“I’m tired.”

Tears started flowing down Brian’s cheeks. “Is this what Dr. Andersen told you to do? To give up?”

Nick shook his head negatively.

“Then why are you so quick to give up?” Brian demanded.

“We’re just buying time Brian. That’s all I’m getting now is just a little more time. What I have can’t be cured. I’m only going to get worse. You have to accept this.”

”I WON’T ACCEPT THIS!”

“What’s the rush then Nick? How about we give this some more time,” Howie asked in a soft voice.

Nick rubbed his hand slowly over his face. “Because if I do what Dr. Andersen wants I doubt I’ll be able to sit in front of a camera let alone get out of bed.”

This peaked Brian’s interest and he trained his gaze onto his pale friend’s face. “What does she want Nick.”

“She wants the chemo upped higher and more agressive rad. It’s just going to buy time and now I don’t know if I really want this.”

“Jesus,” AJ mumbled.

“Did you talk to your folks yet?” Kevin questioned.

“Yeah and they want me to go to them.”

“You should.”

Nick shook his head. “No, not right now. Maybe later, but not right now. I need to take care of things before I make that commitment.”

“And Jane and Bob were okay with this?”

Nick allowed a small laugh escape. “No, not particularly but they understood and they told me they respected my wishes. I expect them to show up on my doorstep probably by the end of the week knowing them.”

“Nick?”

“Yeah Bri?”

“Please don’t give up. I believe in miracles and God is going to get sick of me praying for this one so He’ll give up and help us out. Tell me you’ll do what Dr. Andersen wants you to do. I’ll do anything you ask me. I’m never gonna leave your side through this. I promise.”

“All of us are,” Kevin chipped in.

A slight grin tugged at Nick’s mouth. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “Thanks guys, I appreciate it.” He paused for a moment and sighed softly. “Kev, see if you can get it for tomorrow afternoon if it’s possible.”

“I’ll try my best Kaos.”

“I’m going to go lay down now.”

With that, Nick left the room, back towards the room he had been spending more time lately. His bedroom, sleeping, his escape from the cruelness of reality.

There had been a time once, really not that long ago, when Nick never woke up to a quiet house. No matter the hour, he’d either left the radio on or one of the dogs was whining to be let out; the cell phone was singing merrily to itself on his end table, or whatever had followed him home from Tampa’s club scene the night before was twisting in the sheets, tangling her smooth limbs back around his. Sometimes it was thunder rolling in from across the bay, or Aaron’s laughter filtering up from downstairs, or even a string of obscenities as A.J. got his ass kicked on the Playstation. As varied and unpredictable as they were, the sounds were the melody of his life; everything precious, wrapping him in as much peace and security as the blankets cuddling against his skin.

So when he awakened that afternoon to Florida sunlight draping the walls of his bedroom in a peaceful, warm glow, he noticed the silence immediately.

And, as always, he noticed the pain.

There were no illusions that he could harbor about his illness, and never for a moment upon waking did he think that maybe it was all just a dream, some awful nightmare brought on by German sausages or Howie’s cooking and that everything was really just fine. It would have been nice, but awake or asleep the pain rolled deep in the pit of his stomach, gnawing and peeling ragged holes that nothing seemed to heal.

Along with the assortment of medicines he took on a regular basis now, he had to remember to swallow down the nickel-sized pills that took the edge off his pain, because if he didn’t, God, the agony was enough to make him scream. He’d choked down the medicine earlier and could feel it working within him; where pain’s claws had once burrowed into his flesh, now they only pressed against his skin lightly and that was about all he could hope for anymore.

Wearily, Nick rolled from his side onto his back and looked towards the window, letting the restful silence soak into his exhausted frame. Although the cancer and its hellish treatments had weakened him considerably, an even crueler effect had come to light in recent months - his inability to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. Where once his reserves of energy and enthusiasm had been endless; where once he could sing all day and dance all night, now he fell asleep at the kitchen table or while soaking in the tub, and more than once he’d had to fight off the urge to doze while on the toilet. No matter how many hours he spent in dreamless sleep, he was always, always tired, and he hated it bitterly, even more than the sores in his mouth or the dry parchment that now passed for his skin. True, his life was painful and bleak, but it was his life, dammit. He shouldn’t have to sleep away so much of what he still had left, but the cancer was unmoved by his bitter tears.

His eyes closed again, the lids suddenly weighted with fatigue. That morning had been the perfect example. He’d made sure to get a deep, uninterrupted sleep the night before, hoping that he would be able to stay awake and strong for what he had to do.

He hadn’t had any idea how the guys would react to his heartbreaking news – wasn’t sure, really, how he himself would hold up because deep down, he still didn’t want to believe it himself. But in the end, exhaustion had come to blur his thoughts and bleary his eyes while they had still been staring, faces slack and wiped pale with shock, and as much as he yearned to stay and somehow soothe away the worry and anger and vibrant fear that spilled over into their expressions, all he’d been able to do was stagger back to bed, sleep consuming him a heartbeat after he had fallen in amongst the sheets. And now, the whole house stood quiet, as though the very walls themselves were still reeling with shock, his little I’m dying whisper resonating in the air like a scream.

After a moment, Nick could pick out the quiet, even ticks of the grandfather clock down the hall, measuring out the passing seconds and draining time away, and he kicked off the blanket and sat up, moving gingerly as he stretched the tight muscles in his back. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was already half past two. His thirty-minute naps were turning into four and five hour rests now, apparently. Christ, if he kept this up, one of these days he was going to fall asleep and never wake up at all.

“Nice thought, asshole,” he muttered to himself, then reached up to tug his fingers through his sloppy hair, a gesture that had been second nature for years. He stopped himself just in time, however, and bit his lip instead. A few weeks earlier, he had forgotten to stop himself and had wound up sitting in bed for half an hour crying like a baby with fistfuls of hair clutched to his chest.

Standing, Nick moved to the window, his footfalls silent on the thick carpet.

He had been seeking distraction, but what he found was much more; clearly, he had been sleeping through an intensely beautiful day. The view was warmth and sunlight and joy; a sweet sky crossed with clouds that tattered on the edges, adding texture to the breeze and depth to the dark ocean that stretched beyond the horizon. He gazed over it with a smile, looking over the water, and suddenly the question that had been turning over in the back of his mind ever since Dr. Anderson had looked at him with tears in her eyes and he’d known, he’d fucking known right in that instant what she was going to say and what was going to happen to him then, came on again, gripping and desperate.

What I am going to do now?

Late at night on long tours, when he hadn’t been able to sleep and there had been nothing else to do, he’d turned on the television and sometimes found shows about people who were diagnosed with fatal illnesses; stories of courage and strength, of spreading joy in waning days. He had watched them with idle detachment, but now, as he reached up to lay a hand on the glass, he wondered if those same people didn’t throw themselves down at night and scream; curse at God and wail in fear and desperation. Because life really wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. Not for anybody.

Not for him.

Telltale fears; terrors, began to trace their way slowly up from the base of his spine, reminding him of his deepest fears. Voices that whispered about what it was like to die and what would happen to him when that final darkness closed over his eyes. Mocking voices, teasing him with holidays he would never celebrate, a woman he would never marry, the family he would never have, the songs he would never sing, and it got no farther than that before he shuddered and pushed the whole mess away, stuffing it back into a dark corner of his mind and fighting to hold in the sob. He couldn’t kid himself - eventually, he would have to deal with those thoughts, as black and awful as they were.

But not today. Not today.

On some level, it really did seem like a grand and very vivid dream. A television show; something happening to somebody else. Maybe in just another moment, someone would pop in through the window with bubbling laughter; a man in a three-piece suit and a cheap toupee, shoving a microphone in his face and gleefully announcing, “Smile, Nick Carter! You’re on Candid Camera!” Because things like this didn’t really happen, did they?

Or maybe they were only supposed to happen to other people.

The grandfather clock ticked its agreement.

Turning, he walked across the room and into the empty hallways, letting his hands glide along the walls, deep within his thoughts. On some level, part of him had to know this was real, or he would never have spent an entire afternoon writing those stupid letters. Just for safekeeping, he’d told himself, scribbling page after page until his hands cramped and the words bled together in his watering eyes. Just in case. And he’d finished them and sealed them up; one for Kevin, one for Brian, one for A.J. and one for Howie, and maybe more down the road, too; for his mom and dad, and Aaron, and the girls. Then he’d laughed at himself and went to tear it all up because what was a letter to a life, but he couldn’t, just couldn’t, and had finally hidden them away. He couldn’t remember exactly where, and figured it didn’t matter much. Either he would be fine and would stumble across them years from now when he was healthy and whole and could laugh, or he wouldn’t be fine and…

Maybe that was what really killed him. Not some cancer eating him from the inside out, but the sheer uncertainty of it all.

As he descended the stairs and moved through the rooms of his home, he was surprised to find that he truly was alone. Not that he minded, of course, but they had never let him out of earshot before, and that was before he’d dropped the bomb on them that morning. Maybe they’d had no choice; felt they had to get away before the fear and horror consumed them much as it festered deep in his own soul. God knew he felt that way enough, but his problem wasn’t exactly something he could outrun. In time, they would figure out that they couldn’t run from it, either.

It had been a while since he’d bothered to take a look around, and he paused in the living room, breathing deeply of cinnamon candles and sunlight and furniture polish. The guys had been taking good care of the place, which was a switch - if the tour buses and dressing rooms they’d frequented over the years were any indication, garbage and disarray followed the five of them closer than their own shadows. Hell, he hadn’t been nicknamed Kaos for nothing, and even Kevin and Howie had gotten slovenly during the Black and Blue tour, towards the end.

The end.

His conscious mind blew sharply, and like a candle, the thought was extinguished. Sometime, yes… but not now.

Moving a bit slower now, Nick settled down in an overstuffed white recliner near the back deck and leaned back, gazing through the sliding glass doors at the generous view of the ocean. It would have been nice to go outside and take in some fresh air, but he was a bit cold and the afternoon shadows didn’t look too inviting. The chair was comfortable enough, anyway.

His thoughts wandered to the others. Kevin, he was probably off working on the MTV thing, staying busy so he didn’t have to think about reality or the future or anything but the task at hand. Brian and Howie were probably off in a deep state of denial someplace, and A.J. was no doubt on the road, searching for a bar that served hard liquor twenty-four hours a day. They would have to find their own way through it, he supposed, just as he was going to have to figure it out eventually too. He wasn’t sure what he could do to help them.

Except not die, of course. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Maybe the secret was not to worry about death at all but to drink deeply of every day, of every breath, and do everything he could with the life he had. Because if death was inevitable – and it was, it just came sooner for some people than others – then there was no point of dreading it, or letting it ruin what he had left, right? Who knew if you would live to be a hundred years old or get struck by a stray bolt of lightning the next time you walked out the door? Better, perhaps, to live while he was alive, and then be no worse off whenever death finally did come upon him.

He wasn’t so sure he could do that, either.

Nick blinked once, then again, and didn’t realize he had fallen asleep again until he turned his head a little and saw A.J. across the room, sprawled casually across the couch. “’J?”

“Hi.” A.J.’s head was pillowed on an armrest, and he didn’t bother to look over.

“Shit,” Nick muttered, bringing a hand to his eyes.

“Nice to see you too.”

“I can’t believe I fell asleep again.”

“It’s okay. You must need it.”

“I guess.” He looked over and squinted. A.J. seemed a bit thinner than he’d remembered. “Did you just get in?”

“I didn’t go anywhere. I was in your backyard.”

“This whole time?”

“What, you thought we would all just take off?”

He smiled a little at that. “Maybe.”

“Like hell.”

“I’m all right. I don’t need a baby-sitter.”

“You’ve always needed a baby-sitter, Kaos,” A.J. replied. There had been a day, once, when Nick would have bristled at such a remark, but he was tired, and besides that he could detect the tenderness in A.J.’s voice. “I guess we all do, sometimes.”

Nick snuggled deeper into the chair’s embrace, leaning his cheek against the soft cushions. A.J. had not moved, his lithe frame spread like butter across the sofa. He was staring absently up into the shadows of the ceiling, his head turned just enough to keep Nick from reading his expression. Whether it was intentional or not, he couldn’t tell. Knowing A.J., probably. “So, where is everybody?” Nick asked.

A.J. moved his head a little. “Uh… Kevin hooked up with some guy from MTV - shut up, not like that. He’s trying to work out the details for the press conference tomorrow. I think we’re going to do it from some setup they’ve got in Saint Petersburg; that cool?”

“Sure.” His eyes drifted closed.

“Brian, um… well, he went to the grocery.”

“God A.J., I’m not even looking at you and I can tell you’re lying.”

“Well…”

Nick opened his eyes. “He went to talk to Dr. Anderson, didn’t he?”

A.J. looked at him then, swallowing sharply and his features tense with worry. “Well… yeah, but don’t flip out on me, Nick. He was going to see if you wanted to come, but you were asleep. He didn’t want to wake you. Listen, he left the number someplace if you want to call. They can probably put you on speakerphone or something…”

Certainly, there had been a day when Nick would have flipped out; would have seethed with rage for them going behind his back with this, invading his privacy and tattering his pride. Once upon a time, he would have lashed out. Now, he didn’t have the energy to even work up the emotion.

“Nah, that’s okay,” he sighed. “I don’t mind.”

God, how defeated he sounded, even to his own ears.

“You don’t care?” A.J.’s gaze was dark and concerned. “Nick - you don’t care?”

“If he wants to talk to her, let him. After the press conference, everybody’s going to know anyway.”

“But… I thought--”

“I’m just tired, ‘J.” It came out as a whisper, but was enough to steal away whatever words A.J. had for him next. They looked at one another for a moment, and Nick took in the mix of ugly emotions brewing in A.J.’s eyes for only a moment before his brother abruptly turned away, focusing on the ceiling once more.

Nick swallowed. “So… where’s Howie?”

“Huh?”

“Howie. Remember him?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know where he is.”

“No?”

“Well…” A.J. reached up and scratched at the back of his head. “Actually, the cops called a little while ago. He’s locked up downtown. I just didn’t want you to go nuts, you know.”

It took a minute for the words to sink in. “What?”

A.J. glanced over, but this time with a familiar smirk. “Just seeing if you were paying attention.”

“If I had the energy to smack you upside the head right now, I would.”

“Like to see you try, Carter.”

“I bet. So where is he?”

“Don’t know. He was… upset.” A.J. shrugged halfheartedly, gazing up at the ceiling. “You know how it is.”

He did.

“So you stayed to watch me, huh?” Nick asked softly, tucking his legs up beneath him.

“Yeah, just making sure everything’s taken care of here. Did you think I wouldn’t?”

“Frankly, yeah.”

“I wanted to stay.” A.J. ran a finger along the dark lines of a tattoo on his forearm, tracing the image. “Besides, there’s a lot of media starting to prowl around out there. Like hell I’m getting caught up in that.”

“Media? Here?”

“Yeah. MTV and Jive sent out a media advisory about our conference tomorrow. It’s like sharks smelling blood.”

“Yeah, well, it’s their job.”

“Right.” A.J. shifted a little, then cleared his throat. “Have you thought about what you’re going to say?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. You said, everybody’s going to know… are you really going to tell them?”

“I wouldn’t be having a press conference otherwise.”

“I don’t mean about the cancer. I mean… tell them what you told us.” He continued to stare at his arms, not glancing in Nick’s direction for even an instant.

“That I’m dying?”

A.J. flinched, visibly. “You don’t know that. They’ll go crazy if you say that, Nick. The press, the fans - you shouldn’t scare people like that. You shouldn’t say it unless it’s true.”

“What makes you so sure it’s not?” he asked softly.

“Because you’re twenty-two goddamn years old, that’s why,” he snapped. “Jesus Christ.”

The silence between them then was thick, and Nick watched A.J. for a long time before he returned his eyes to the ocean, waves moving in an endless, hypnotic dance.

A.J. who broke the silence. “Nick.”

“Yeah?”

“That shit about being sick… you were serious, huh?”

“You knew I was sick.”

“I didn’t,” he snapped, then paused and closed his eyes. His voice wavered, just for a moment. “I didn’t know… that it was bad.”

“You knew it was bad.”

“What did the doctor say? Exactly?”

“I told you,” he sighed, and closed his eyes to rest them once more.

“Nick!”

“What?”

“Don’t fall asleep when I’m talking to you.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“Nick…”

He looked over. “I’m dying, A.J.” he said, quietly, and A.J. stared at him with eyes furious and accusatory. “She said, I’m dying.”

The words hung ominous between them, sucking the air out of the room. A.J. ran a hand across his face. “Your doctor said that?”

“Yeah.” He spoke easily, calmly. He could face it, so long as those terrors stayed locked away, so long as he could still believe deep down that he was talking about somebody else. “Yeah, she did.”

“And you believed her?”

Tears pricked the back of his eyes, and he cautiously wrapped one arm around his tender middle while tugging down a quilt that had been casually draped over the back of the chair. “She only confirmed it. I’ve known for a while that I haven’t been getting better, ‘J.”

“So, what? She said act like a pussy and just…”

“No.” He pulled the blanket around himself. “She wants me to do a bunch of treatments.”

“Which means you’re going to beat this, Nick.” He nodded firmly and propped himself up on one elbow. “Don’t you see?”

“I won’t be doing any treatments.”

A.J.’s jaw dropped and he sat up abruptly, his hands clenching into fists. “Why the fuck not? Nick, why the hell are you giving up? You fought harder than this to get to the tenth level on goddamn Super Mario Brothers, for God’s sake! You can’t just roll over and accept this; this is your life we’re talking about!”

“She’s not talking about a cure, A.J.,” he snapped. “It’s buying time. That’s all.”

“Life isn’t worth that to you?”

“Life is worth everything to me,” he whispered.

“Well then?”

“I don’t want to live it exhausted, and sick, and hurting. That’s what the treatments would do to me, ‘J. I don’t want that to be all that’s left.”

A.J. pressed his fingers deeply into his eye sockets, and when he took them away there was such a raw desperation there that Nick had to look away. “Kaos, you… you can’t just let this happen. You… can’t… give… up!”

Those last four words were staccato, almost screamed, and there had been a day when Nick would have flinched, or cried, or jumped up to plant himself inches from A.J.’s face and scream right back. But the exhaustion was so deep in his bones, in his soul, all he could do was gaze up with wet and weary eyes. “A.J.,” he said softly. “I didn’t want this; I didn’t ask for this. What the hell am I supposed to do, huh? What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want you to sit here and tell me you’re dying!” A.J. jumped to his feet, almost shaking with rage. His body was curved into a taut question mark, and every emotion of his panic was scratched deeply into the lines of his face. “I don’t want you to give up, because if you do there’s no damn chance! How can you let this thing win, Nick? My God, Nick, how the fuck can you sit there and just look at me like that? How can you tell me you’re just going to die?”

Nick didn’t reply. He honestly didn’t know what to say.

“Nick…” A.J. swallowed hard, his eyes trailing up to the ceiling again, his fists gone white, and Nick expected at any moment to see blood drip from them, where his fingernails were surely cutting into the flesh of his palm. “This… can’t… happen. I can’t let this happen. You can’t let this happen.”

“I’m tired, A.J.”

“I don’t care!” His voice was wicked sharp. “There’s nothing more important than this, Nick! I don’t give a shit how you feel! You can’t stop fighting!”

“Don’t tell me how I’m supposed to deal with this.”

A.J. stared at him for an incredulous moment, then threw his head back and let loose a harsh, ugly laugh. “Okay Nick, sure. Why don’t I just stand here, and you go ahead and die, and I’ll wait, huh? Let me know when you’re done.”

It was Nick’s turn to stare incredulously, and after a second A.J. swallowed sharply. “I’m… sorry.”

“No you’re not.”

“I… Nick, I don’t know what to do.” His voice cracked with unshed tears, and just like that, A.J. sat down hard, on the carpet, his legs crumpling uselessly beneath him.

Nick watched him. “You know… there are some problems in life that you can’t beat into a bloody pulp, A.J. Remember what your mom told you that day you tried to beat up Kevin in Monaco? Fighting doesn’t always work.”

“Like hell it doesn’t.”

“I’ve been fighting, A.J. Harder than you know.” He sighed, and even that took more energy than he had. “I’ve been doing everything I can… everything you’re telling me to do.” He looked towards the water again, feeling A.J.’s eyes upon him. “But my best isn’t enough anymore. I’m too tired, A.J. I can’t even keep my eyes open; I don’t have anything left.”

A.J. sucked in several shallow breaths before he spoke again. “…Nothing?”

“I’m sorry,” Nick whispered. “I’m sorry.”

A.J. put his hands over his face.

And such silence hung between them, caught up like glimmering bits of dust in the sunlight that trailed across the floor.

Nick closed his eyes again. “God help me,” he whispered. “A.J…”

“What?” His voice was broken and muffled.

“Don’t. Come over here, would you?”

A.J. took his hands away, pushing his fists down into the carpet, and looked up. His eyes were dry, but sharp and narrow with pain. He did not move.

“Come here, dammit.”

He scooted over to the foot of the chair. “What?”

“You’re a pain in the ass,” he said, laughing dryly. “But I love you anyway.”

“Yeah.” A.J. curled up at the foot of the chair, resting his head against the cushion beside Nick’s knees. His eyes were shielded and hard. “Please don’t give up, Nick.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s not enough.” A.J. pulled one arm onto the cushion and buried his face within it. His muscles pulled together beneath the thin shirt he wore, tensing against reality. “It’s not enough.”

When Kevin came in an hour later, his nerves shredded, stone-face and his frame tense and angry from the sight of a dozen media outlets already stalking about outside the gates, he cut a sharp glance into the living room as he walked by, and froze midstep. Stared.

Nick and A.J., who for years couldn’t be in the same room without going for each others throats, curled up together in sleep, Nick folded into a chair with A.J. at his feet. And as swollen and pale and blotchy as Nick looked, A.J. might have looked worse, his body thrown down like one of the Greek women in the National Geographic magazines, who mourned by falling face-down on temple steps with their faces hidden in grief. Nick, at least, seemed a bit peaceful, but A.J. was a tangle, one arm limp at his side as the other cradled his head. Kevin hadn’t thought it would be a good idea to leave A.J. and Nick together. They would fight. A.J. would drink. Nick would upset himself.

But there they lay.

The world outside forgotten, Kevin leaned against the doorframe for support and looked, taking in every detail of the sunlight that draped his little brothers in gold and warmth, the uneven lumps of Nick’s body under the patchwork quilt, his thin face so beautiful in sleep; A.J.’s rumpled black bandana slightly askew on his head and the tattoos roaming unchecked over the bare skin of his arms. Kevin tried to cup it all in his hands, to remember every smell and every emotion and seal it deep within his soul. He was content to stand there forever, heart bursting with fear and aching love; willing to do whatever it took to keep Nick safe in this endless moment of time, safe and sheltered from media and sickness and tomorrows.

He smiled, just a little, hesitating there, silent in the silence and oblivious to his unchecked tears.

The wait seemed to be taking forever, Brian thought as he slid the palms of his hands back and forth across his thighs. He had sat there and read all of the diplomas that were hung strategically on the mauve wallpapered walls; it wasn’t that he was interested in the doctor’s credentials but rather something that was done in desperation to keep his thoughts clear. Ready to deal with the task at hand.

Nick.

The moment he allowed Nick to enter his thoughts, tears immediately pooled in his bloodshot blue eyes. Rubbing his hand over his chin and mouth, Brian tried to keep his emotions in check. He didn’t want the doctor to come into the room and see him crying. He had to be strong. Afterall, he was Nick’s Patient Advocate.

“Mr. Littrell?”

Brian jerked when he felt a hand touching his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He looked up into Dr. Andersen’s face. He immediately started to stand. “I’m sorry, I guess I was zoning out.”

“Please don’t get up, you’re fine,” the doctor replied softly. Brian did as he was told and watched as the petite woman moved files of different sizes off to one side on her desk. She placed a file that appeared to be three inches thick in front of her and sat down. “We’ve seem to have been playing hit and miss with the phone calls the last few days.”

“Yes we have. I should give you my pager number so you can get me easier.”

“And I should give you mine too. Nickolas has it,” she replied as she penned the numbers down on a slip of paper, handing it across the desk. Brian reciprocated the doctor’s offer and wrote down his pager number.

“Has Nick spoke with you since I last saw the two of you at Tampa General?”

Biting his bottom lip, Brian managed a slight nod. “He said it wasn’t good.”

Dr. Andersen nodded in agreement. “Finding a new lump is never good. We should be thankful that Nickolas has a stubborn personality.”

Brian narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think I follow you.”

“What did he tell you?”

Unable to look the woman in the eyes, Brian shifted his gaze to a large portrait of a flower garden. “He said he was dying.”

“Did he tell you about the lump that was discovered on his liver and how we planned on dealing with it?”

He shifted his feet under the chair, still unable to look at the doctor. “He mentioned something about treatments but he seemed to be reluctant to discuss it. He wants to have a press conference.” Brian paused for a moment rethinking the comment the doctor had just made. “There’s a lump on his liver?”

“That must be what has been causing the discomfort in his stomach. It has been going on for quite some time according to him.”

“I had no idea,” Brian mumbled.

“Honey, don’t beat yourself up on this. Nickolas is pretty good at masking his troubles.”

“So do you think there’s still a chance here? That he isn’t going to die?”

Dr. Andersen sighed. “I can’t say that. I wish I could. Nick’s status is guarded.” She shifted through the pages on her patient’s chart. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for a specific reason. The treatments that’s been outlined for Nick I’m going to need your help on.”

“I’ll do anything you ask me to do. You know I want to help.”

Brian listened intently as Dr. Andersen ran through the lists of treatments that she had planned. The mention of the liver biopsy made his heart sink, his own experience from surgery wasn’t a pleasant one and silently he wished that his little brother could be spared from something so dramatic.

As if the doctor could read Brian’s thoughts, she ended the list with, “I wish there were other options that could be done, but unfortunately these are the ones that are proven effective for Nick.”

“I understand,” Brian replied quietly. “Nick is acting like he’s giving up on fighting this. I don’t know what I can do that will help.”

Closing the file, the doctor folded her hands. “Giving up is one of the worst things that Nickolas can do. What he really needs is someone to convince him that there is still a battle to fight. I want to schedule his biopsy for tomorrow afternoon---”

“No,” Brian interrupted but quickly apologized. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Nick wants to hold a press conference tomorrow and Kevin was going to get that scheduled. Could we do it later?”

Dr. Andersen sighed. “I don’t want to put this off. It would be prudent to discover if the lump is cancerous or not. He has to start with the agressive chemo this week too.”

”Only if I can convince Nick to fight this,” Brian added quietly.

The doctor picked up a ledger and started thumbing through the book quickly. “We could do a biopsy later this evening if I talk with the specialists.”

Brian shook his head. “He wouldn’t agree to that. He wants to have this press conference and you’re talking surgery.”

“It’s just a simple outpatient procedure.”

“He’s gonna be sore after that for a few days too no doubt.”

“Okay, tell Nickolas that we will do the biopsy the day after tomorrow at seven and then we can start in with the chemo that day hopefully.”

Brian plucked his cell phone from his belt. “Before you schedule anything for him, let me call Kevin and find out if he has the conference scheduled.”

Time stood still for Kevin Richardson as he leaned against the door frame taking in the sight of Nick and AJ sleeping in the rays of sunlight that cut it’s way into the living room. The ringing of his cell phone snapped Kevin from his trance. He quickly cupped his hand over the device to silence the noise before it woke anyone up.

Stepping around the corner he grunted into the phone. “Yeah.”

“Kev, it’s Brian, did you get a time?”

He scowled as he wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Huh?”

“Nick’s conference, did you get a time?”

Kevin sighed as he walked further away from the living room. “Yeah, tomorrow at 4:30. They’re giving us thirty minutes of air time.” He ran a hand through his thick, dark hair. “Where are you?”

“I’m with Dr. Andersen. She’s trying to set up a time for a biopsy.

"A biopsy? For what?" Kevin sounded confused.

"Listen I gotta go, I'll talk to you later," Brian said when Dr. Andersen re-entered the room. Before Kevin had a chance to respond he said quickly, "Bye," and then hung up the phone.

Dr. Andersen smiled at him. "Did everything work out allright?"

Brian jerked. "What? Yes just fine," he smiled back, running a tired hand across his face. "We´re having the press conference tomorrow." Suddenly it all felt so surreal. The whole situation. If someone had told him a year ago that he would sit in a doctors office, discussing what to do to make Nick survive, he would have thought that the person was crazy. And now he was here.

This made him want to scream, yet he kept his calm posture. Discussing with the doctor what would be best for Nick. But inside he hurt. He hurt so bad.

"You did what?" Nick sneered when Brian carefully tried to tell him about his meeting with Dr. Andersen in the morning. He also told his friend that Nick was scheduled for a biopsy the day after tomorrow and his news had not been met well. The young man was upset to say the least. "How the fuck could you go behind my back?"

"I didn´t go behind your back," Brian defended, feeling hurt over the harsh reaction and the false accusations.

"You didn´t?" Nick hissed, spit flying between his teeth. "Then what the hell do you call having a meeting with MY doctor, without MY knowledge?" He glared angrily towards his older brother. "Isn´t that going behind my back?"

"I only did it to help you." Brian felt lost. Tears pricked in his eyes and he was fighting a mixture of emotions dwelling up inside of him. Here he was just trying to do everything that was in his power to help his best friend and instead he was getting the cold shoulder. Brian shook his head in defeat. "I did it because I'm your patient advocate... remember? I have the right to go over your treatments. You designated me!"

Not listening Nick ranted on. "I don´t fucking believe it. Here I´m telling you guys that I´m dying and that I feel ready to admit it and then you go behind my back, arranging treatments and shit." His face was red with anger. "I thought I told you that I was done with chemo and that crap. Done!"

"Shh, calm down," Kevin said walking over to the young man, patting his back, "Take it easy."

"Don´t," Nick hissed, jerking away. "You had no right butting into MY life without MY consent."

"I..i just did it for..for your sake," Brian stuttered, feeling lost.

"My sake? The hell you were." He didn´t spare his bitter words. "You’re always butting into my life, thinking that I can´t do jack shit on my own. And now you are even taking over decidíng my treatments too." He glared angrily at the group. "Man you sure are something else." He spat out the words like they were venom.

"Nick.. man, chill out." Now it was AJ´s turn to try to get his friend to calm down. "Man, you and me had such a great talk and now you´re doing this. What´s the matter with you?"

"What´s the matter? " he mocked, a wild look in his eyes. "You have the nerve to ask me what´s the matter?" The tone was so loud that his two dogs scrambled out of the room, scared of the angry tone in their master’s voice. "I´m fucking dying. That´s the matter! If you don´t think that´s something, then tell me another story!"

Brian swallowed hard then he said softly after regaining his composure. "Dr. Andersen didn´t say that. She said that the lump in your liver COULD be cancerous, but it could be benign also." He knew very well that he was stepping on Nick’s territory, yet he couldn´t just sit back and watch while his friend was more and more loosing his will and strength to live. Nick was a fighter and now he needed that side in him.

"Like you would know that!"

Desperately, Brian tried to do his best to get Nick to realize that they were doing this out of love and nothing more. He was their little brother and they cared about him so much it hurt. They all did! "Nick, you need to do that biopsy to see if it is benign or malignant."

"I told you before that I´m finished with doing surgery." Staring at the bunch he continued, "It´s MY body and MY life and I can do very well as I please."

There was a brief silence in the room as Howie pleaded, desperation in his voice, "Please Nick do that biopsy. Do it for your family, for Aaron, and even for us!"

The room was filled with tension. They awaited for their friend to make the next move, almost like a chess player that was in for the last round. Nick could either throw another tantrum, showing off his hot temper, running out of the room or he could start crying. The young man’s mood were so up and down lately that they didn´t know what to expect anymore.

Nervously the men’s eyes darted towards each other, waiting for the big explosion to come.

Brian nervously bit his nails, a habit that he had kicked a long time ago but rose when he was feeling stressed out and unsure how to handle a situation. Howie on the other had licked his lips, avoiding to look at Nick who sat like a statue on the airmchair. The thoughts that were assualted him were dark and scary and the mere thought that his young friend wouldn´t make it was too hard to bare. He missed his sister and didn´t want to lose a "brother" too. Kevin, the always so calm and relaxed adult, fidgeted nervously in his seat. His inside was as stormy as an hurricane, yet he didn´t let this on. AJ, was the only one that dared to look at Nick. Transfixed.

Suddenly it looked like all the air had gone out of the the sick man, like a balloon that popped. All the color drained out of his face like he was on the verge of passing out. His lips were a bit cyonic, and for the first time they saw how tired and worn out their friend really was. The sickness was taking it´s toll on his body and he was getting skinnier each day. Sweat pearls beaded on his forehead.

"Nick man?" AJ asked with concern. He didn´t like the route that this disease was taking. It made him nervous and uncomfortable.

Not answering Nick set his hands up to his face, not wanting anyone to see how upset he really was. Suddenly his shoulders started to shake as he began crying. Silently.

Uncomfortable, and not knowing what to do, they watched their little brother breaking down in front of them. Kevin was the first that broke the tension with giving away a comforting hug. Knowing Nick, he expected to be pushed away the next second, yet took the chance. Not changing his positions, the blonde didn´t look up, but he didn´t shrug off Kevin’s arms either.

"What´s worng?" The tall man asked, hunching down beside him. "Tell me."

Nick sobbed, "I don't know if I can do this." The words were more like a whisper and for a moment he looked so lost and sick that it made the heart ache for the rest of the guys. They didn´t like seeing Nick like this.

Usually Nick was the most cheerful one, always having a practical joke up his sleeve. Joking when everyone was down, keeping the spirits up. Ever since he found out about the disease, he had become silent and withdrawn. He rarely smiled and he was acting more and more depressed.

Sometimes it was like he had almost given up on life. Giving up the fight!

"I know it´s hard, but you have to do this..for yourself..you have to try, don´t give up on us. Not yet."

Kevin was the person that Nick had grown to respect more and more throughout the years. Since they were pretty much alike, they were often in a fight, especially in the younger days, but Kevin held a wisdom that Nick admired so much. He was often cool in situations when he needed to keep his head leveled. Cool yet warm. Stronghearted.

"I know," the blonde whispered a bit muffled. "But it´s so hard." Looking up from his hands his face was red and swollen with tears. "It hurts so bad and I don´t think I can stand to go through another chemo session." He shuddered, looking with pleading eyes, "I don’t want to get so sick again. I hate feeling helpless." He looked at each of them, hands folded out in a defeated gesture. "Don´t make me go through this again..please."

They didn´t know what was worse; Nick’s pleading eyes filled with tears or the defeat that filled the young man’s voice. Yet they couldn´t let go. Nick had a chance for survival and he had to take it. They had to convince their brother to go on with the treatment. To continue the fight!

"Is he asleep?" Howie asked when Kevin came into the living room after he and Brian had helped their friend to bed.

"Yeah, I think so," Kevin said tiredly.

A memory of when he was helping Nick when he was younger, back in Europe, flashed infront of his eyes. Nick was 15 and he was sick as a dog, and still he had to do the concert. Afterwards he had been so ill that he didn´t know what was the roof or the floor and Kevin had ended up carrying him to his bed. Tucking him in. At first he had felt annoyed, getting stuck with a teen was not his cup of tea, but Nick had needed someone by his side and he was the one that was most mature of the bunch. Usually Nick traveled with his mom or dad or uncle, but this time he was alone and that was when he fell sick too. Since that day, a certain bound was tied between them and the young man often turned to him when he was in trouble or not feeling one hundred percent. To tell the truth Kevin had felt a bit hurt that Nick hadn´t come to him and told him about the cancer at first, but then he also knew how close Brian was to him.

He could just hope that Nick had enough faith in Brian these days too to listen to him when it came to his own health. After Nick had broke down in the living room they had all talked and finally he had agreed to have the biopsy. Even if he was reluctant. They had even got their stubborn friend to think of doing treatments again. But they all saw how much effort Nick was putting into this and how much it hurt him. Pure torture. Before the conversation had ended Nick had taxed himself out and he was starting to answer less questions until finally falling asleep in his armchair.

Time for another nap.

"Poor guy," Howie said with a sigh. "I can´t understand why he has to suffer like this. Hasn´t Nick been through enough in life?"

"I don´t know anymore," Kevin said hoarsly running a shaky hand through his short chopped hair. He felt low and missed his wife as the days passed. Kristin would have known what to do. This was starting to hit too close to home for him to handle since it was all the reminding him of his own life. His dad and death.

Being the little brother that Nick was to him, he felt protective over the young man, even if the blonde had a habit of getting on his nerves with his childish behavoir and carefree attitude. But he also knew that deep inside that immature "boy" were a philosoftical and deep person and even if he didn´t wnat to admit it, it reminded of himself when he was young. Before his father died.

"You think that he can go through with this? I mean tomorrow. The press conference?" There was doubt in the Latino’s voice.

"God, how I wish I knew." The older man let out a shaky breath. During the years Nick had a knack of dealing with tough situations in a way that he admired. He could be totally burned out, exhausted even on the verge of collapsing, yet when there were the press or fans he seemed to have some energy in store which he used with fantastic results. His smile could melt thousands and yet thousands of teen hearts and he was often considered to be a perfect match. That was to people that didn´t know. Nick had a much darker side, but that was not something Kevin wanted to think too much about. Not now anyway.

The press conference tomorrow would rock their world. In a not-so-great way, he was afraid. There was no telling how the fans or the media would react. They were in for a real challange!

When they had announced that AJ was going into rehab it had been such a riot. Press from all over the world had snapped pictures, wanting to get the scoop first. It had been all over the news. They had been in hot water. The whole incident had shook them up and it had taken some time for them to recover. Especially for Nick who looked up to AJ like an idol. He was his big brother and whatever AJ did it was cool. Nick had cried on live televison and he had been emotionally ripped apart. Looking back, Kevin wished that he had been there for him so much more than he had been. But he and Kristin had been in for some marriage problems and he didn´t have the strength to deal with a moody Nick again. If he had known that the man was seriously depressed, drinking way too much it would have been another matter. Nick had been heading the same road as AJ, and if it weren´t for the disease he didn´t know where his friend would be now.

For a while they had all drifted apart but right now they were closer than ever. He just wished that it could have been even if Nick hadn´t become this sick but somehow Kevin doubted this. The cancer had been a wake up call for them all!

Now it was time for another pressconference again and this time the subject was even more serious than before. The media would predict that this would be the end for the group and to tell the truth Kevin didn´t know if there was any substance in that assumption. Nick was getting weaker each day and he often spent the day either sleeping or resting. If he would go through with the aggressive treatment program Kevin feared that he would get even sicker. And weaker. Telling the fans that their youngest member, the heartrob, had cancer, was not an easy task. They would be in for a shock and even more when they had to tell the press that there was a great risk that Nick could die. Deep inside Kevin felt scared that the young man didn´t have the strength to go through this and he had started to regret having the press conference. Nick was very private as a person and maybe this was not something that the whole world needed to know. It was his life. His privacy.

Yet Nick had pressed on, wanting his fans to know the truth. Kevin smiled to himself. If someone was honest it was Nick. Sometimes way too honest for his own good.

"You think we´re doing a mistake telling the press about this?" Howie frowned, like he was reading Kevin’s thoughts.

"I hope not," Kevin shook his head, trying to clear his mind. "No," he said after a while, "I think we´re doing the right thing. The fans know that we dont like to hide important information for them and we cant hide this much longer anyway. It would leak out sooner or later." To tell the truth he was a bit surprised that the media hadn´t been on their case more than they had. Maybe they showed some respect for the situation. Knowing the press he knew that it was far fetched, but he could always hope couldn´t he?

"Ok, I guess you’re right." Thinking for awhile, Howie added, "I never thought that he was this bad off. It came like an surprise today when we talked to him." " I know what you mean. Nick has done his best to keep his posture up as long as possible." Letting out a small sigh Kevin continued, " Man I feel so sorry for the kid."

Howie couldn´t help to smile. Nick would always be "the kid" for him and Kevin, even when he was eighty years old! The last thought made his heart ache. He became serious again. Doubting that Nick would ever reach that high of an age. As tables were turned Howie wasn´t too sure that Nick would even live to celebrate his twenty-third birthday...

"Sweet Jesus," Brian whispered to himself as he sat on the tiled floor in Nick’s master bathroom. He had wanted some privacy and this was the best room to be alone. Nobody bothering him. "Dear Father please help me, help Nick get through this. I beg you please." His voice held a large portion of desperation as he prayed to the Lord to give them strength to get through this day. He had spent endless nights praying for Nick’s well being, even before the cancer, but when his friends health wasn´t getting any better he was feeling his faith faltering more and more. What was he doing something wrong? Why wasn´t God listening to his prayers?

"Please God make Nick well again. Please." Bowing his head down, Brian mumbled over and over again the words. He prayed that they would wake up from this nightmare, finding out that it was nothing but a very bad dream. He was fighting with his faith, having a hard time understanding why his friend had to suffer so much. “Oh Lord what do you want us to gain from this?" he whispered, feeling tears burn in his eyes.

He couldn´t see what good was coming out of Nick being sick. It was so unfair. Brian, if anyone, knew how much the young man had to put up with being in the public eye since he was 12 years old. He had a hard time growing up on the road, away from his parents and a normal teenage life. Nick was much too emotional, too nice to be in this profession and he had, with pain in his heart, watched Nick getting used by countless numbers of people that he had trusted. This had left the young man with a bad self confidence, even if he was one of the worlds most popular popstars.

He was becoming more and more withdrawn, turning to clubbing and drinking, having a new girl every night. This had Brian seriously worried. He saw the pattern of destruction and was each day more and more certain that Nick would end up like AJ if nothing would be done in a rehab program. During the Black and Blue tour they drifted away from each other, in fact it had already happened on the second leg of the Millenium Tour. Brian had done his best to try and talk to Nick but all he got back was the finger and an attitude. His friend was in no mood being told what to do.

This had left Brian on the option to lay low. Especially after the arrest since Nick didn’t want to talk to him at all. Until that day when his friend had told him that he was sick. Brian shuddered at the memory. It seemed so recent, but it was almost five months ago. Five months since he was told the terrible news.

And now their secret would be told to the whole world. There were nothing to hide anymore. He shivered violently, despite the warmth in the bathroom. This day had come too fast.

Closing his eyes Brian whispered, "Dear God please give us strength to get through this day. I beg you Father. Amen." In his mind he wanted the Lord to listen to him, wanted him to understand how much Nick meant to him. He couldn´t bare to loose him. They all needed Nick.

Smiling to himself he was reminded of all those days when Nick had been there for him, cheering him up when he felt homesick or low. He had always been there with a prank up his sleeve. Laughter. Everybody thought that it was him, Brian, who cheered up the situation, but the Kentuckian knew better. Nick was the one that glued the group together. He was the one that was there for them whenever they were feeling down or sad. Then he would sneak up with a warm hug. Like a big teddy bear.

Sighing deeply, he felt remorse. Where had they been when Nick had needed them? How many times had they been selfish, pre-occupied with their own lives and they had neglected those signs that had been there so evident, yet hidden. AJ had told him that Nick had spent his New Years Eve all alone and that hurt him so much.

Why was Nick being so lonley? Where were all of his friends?

Brian felt torn. One side of him wanted to be there for his little brother. The other side wanted, needed desperately to be there for Leighanne. After all there were just a couple of months before she would give birth to their first born.

He would be a father.

His heart ached from happiness when he thought about this upcoming event. It would no doubt be the best thing that had ever happened to him. If only Nick would be able to see his son. To hold him in his arms.

A tear trickled down his cheek. He let it fall. It felt good to cry. To let out those pent up feelings that were hiding in his heart. He had done his best to try to be stoic. Not let on how sad he felt that his friend had cancer. This was all for Nick’s sake. He had to act tough or else he was afraid that Nick would give it all up. Give up life.

More and more tears rolled down his cheek and soon he started to cry. Crying silently in his lonliness. It was like todays press conference was reminding him of how fragile life could be. How easily things could change. For the first time the last months events was starting to sink into his heart. It was all becoming a reality.

"Brian?" Kevin’s voice pierced through the door. "Bri are you ok?"

"Ye..yeah." he croaked, wiping off the tears with the back of his hand. There was no need for the others to see how upset he was. It wouldn´t do Nick any good. Not at all.

"You sure man?" The knocking was persistent. "Let me in." Concerned was etched in the older mans voice.

"I´ll be out in a minute," Brian called back, standing up. His limbs hurt from the uncomfortable position he had been in. Swiping his pants off he tried to make himself presentable. They were soon going to be on MTV, Carson would record from their Tampa studio since Nick was much too weak to go to New York and he was planned to do the biopsy first thing tomorrow morning.

"Brian let me in."

Kevin wasn´t fooled with Brian’s acting and he couldn´t help but smile to himself. Kevin was always there. Ready to pull them up from the self pity or being down on their selves. Kevin had been there when he had wanted to talk about his open heart surgery. He had been there when he had broke up with Samantha. Kevin had been there for both Nick and AJ through out the years and he was the one that got AJ into rehab. He had been there for Howie when the Latino had a hard time on the road. Being their designated big brother. Someone to lean onto when the winds got too rough.

When their lives were eating them up from inside.

"I told you I was fine, didn´t I?" Brian said hoarsly turning on the faucet, splashing his face with cold water. Apparently Kevin must have accepted his words since he heard someone calling from the another room and Kevin running away.

He sighed deeply as he wiped his face off. Doing his best to look presentable. There had been so many times when he had to go on to do a concert when he felt low or ill. Yet he always found energy and managed to go through the show without collapsing or breaking out into a cry. When he had been come back from the heart surgery there had been many times when he had been on the brim of passing out. After some shows he had even needed the oxygen tank and he did thank God that he was alive today. Without the many prayers that he had received he didn’t know what the outcome would be. And today he hoped that people would pray for his little brother too.

Another knock interrupted his thoughts. "Kev I told you that I would be out in a sec." He yelled back, annoyed.

"OPEN UP!" This time it was AJ that was yelling to him, banging the door like it was a matter of life or death. "Open the door!"

'So much for privacy,' Brian thought a bit irritated as he opened the door, "Jeeze can´t a man....." He stopped abruptly when he saw the fright in AJ´s eyes.

"It´s..it´s Nick," the younger man stuttered like he had seen a ghost.

"Nick? What is it with Nick?" Brian yelled, expecting the worst. When AJ just stood there, not saying anything more just stuttering, Brian got scared for real. "What is it AJ?" He grabbed his friends both arms, shaking him. "What is it?"

It all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity.

"He´s..he´s ble..bleeding." The skinny man was so pale that Brian feared that he would pass out. It was almost like AJ was in trance.

Brian shook him harder. "Bleeding..where??? AJ???"

He didnt have time to get any response before Howie came running, "Quick I need a wet towel."

Without thinking, Brian grabbed a white towel hanging on the rack and then wet it, handing it to Howie who ran off again with the towel and a bunch of napkins in his hand. Both AJ and Brian followed in tow. Brian expecting to see his friend bleeding to death.

Once Brian entered Nick’s bedroom he was met with Kevin sitting and holding the young man, whispering soothering words while he was doing his best to cover Nick’s nose with a a handkerchief, colored red from blood. On the floor laid several soaked napkins.

Brian stopped dead in his tracks.

"Nick´s nose started bleeding," Howie explained as he handed the wet towel to Kevin. The older man went into doctors mood and guided Nick to try to lay down on his side. Then he pushed the towel on Nick’s nose.

"Shit what a blood bath," AJ whispered at the scene infront of them. Brian nodded, not knowing what to say. Dr. Andersen had told them that nosebleeds were a side effect from the treatment and Nick had several epsiodes, but none as bad as this one. And on a day like this.

Without thinking Brian prayed in his mind, "Dear Father, why are you doing this to me? To Nick? He doesn’t need anymore suffering. God why can’t you spare him? Why on a day like this when he needs all his strength?" In slow motion he heard Kevin shouting for more towels and this time it was AJ who reacted, like he had been shot from a cannon.

Brian stood there paralyzed, unable to do anything but watch.

It was like a warscene. Nick being wounded and his friends coming to his rescue. It wouldn’t be too far fetched since the blood that Nick had shred was alot and his bedspread was stained with blood spots.

Kevin kept murmuring something to Nick and for a moment this reminded Brian about when his friend was young and they were on tour. Kevin had many times been there for Nick, whispering soothing words. Encouraging him to manage. Telling him that everything would be just fine. Just like he did now.

"I can´t understand why it isn´t stopping," Howie said as he tried to wipe Nick clean from all the red substance he had shred. The blond was a total mess and Brian thought that if the fans would see him now they would pass out.

Nick looked more dead than alive.

"Maybe we should call a doctor," AJ suggested from his corner of the room.

Brian watched as Nick, too weak to say anything, shook his head vigorously as Kevin did his best to have him to sit still. He felt ashamed that he couldn´t do anything to comfort his friend, but suddenly it was all hitting too close to home. What a patient advocate he was!

"Yes Nick, maybe it´s the better." Howie said as he handed Kevin more napkins. He too was doing his best to comfort the young man. But Nick didn´t listen.

"No, No, I can´t." he objected. "I need to do that press conference."

"That can wait," Kevin said as he held Nick’s trembling frame. "We can do that another day. We have time."

That silenced Nick and what would take place next would be something Brian would remember for many years. "No Kevin," he said with a weak voice, face streaked with blood and tears. "No Kevin we don´t. I can´t afford to postphone this." He drew a shaky breath as he uttered, voice filled with tears, "Please..I don´t have that much time." He looked at them with eyes pleadingly, "Please..."

There were silence in the room as the four men took in what their little brother was saying, knowing all too well that it could be the truth. The awful truth.

“I’m beating your ass and there’s nothing you can do to catch me!”

“AC.... get back here with that! I swear to God I’m gonna tell Ma!”

“Oh, now we’re playing ‘Nick’s Ball so it’s Nick’s made up rules' cause he’s losing?”

“Aaron Charles Carter, for the love of God, stop being silly and get your skinny butt over here!”

“Why don’t you come and get me fatass!”

Nick successfully grabbed his little brother and held his body in a tight grip, tickeling his sides until the young boy howled with laughter. “You can’t say that and get away with it, can you?”

Aaron squirmed in Nick’s grasp, laughing as tears slipped from his eyes. The high pitched laughing suddenly turned into beeps....beeping.

Beeping?

Nick jerked.

“You’re awake, how are you feeling?”

Drawing a skaky breath in through his mouth, Nick looked at his surroundings.

“You’re at St. Mary’s.”

“I can’t be here,” he replied quietly.

The nurse fussed with the buttons on the IV box. “Why?”

“I have an appointment today.”

“Hon, it’s eight-thirty in the evening,” the nurse clarified.

“Shit.... I’ve been sleeping all damn day again?”

The woman turned her attention to her patient, adjusting his blankets as she lifted his wrist to check his pulse. “It’s common after anesthesia.”

Nick groaned inwardly.

“From what I know, you’re a very lucky guy.”

Nick smiled weakly. “Oh yeah, real lucky.”

“The surgeon had some trouble stopping the bleeding. You lost a lot of blood. You had to get a unit post op.”

“Did my friends go....” Nick stopped asking his question when the door was pushed open.

“Hey Nick, you’re looking a little better. Glad to see you’re awake. How you feeling?”

The nurse scooped up Nick’s chart and quietly left the room.

“How did I get here? I thought I told you I didn’t have time for this crap.”

Kevin shook his head as he took the seat next to the bed. “You didn’t answer any of my questions.”

“I told you I had to do that conference today.”

“Nick, be reasonable, I had to cancel it.”

“Kevin, I told you I don’t have much time left.”

Kevin stared at his little brother, looking so lost and helpless in the hospital bed. “I didn’t have much of a choice, I had to call an ambulance---”

“Oh shit, you didn’t!”

“What difference does that make now? I did what was necessary,” Kevin defended.

“God, I can only think of what you told the producers at Mtv when you cancelled on them,” Nick sighed.

“I told them made up bullshit to satisfy them until you could do the conference.”

“And when do you think I’ll be doing that? God, look at me! I look shittier each passing day...”

“Nick, you’re sick, you have can..” the word caught in Kevin’s throat and he paused as he tried to keep his composure.

“I have cancer,” Nick finished the sentence. “You know I’m suppose to start the agressive chemo. I’m probably never going to see a good day again.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“It’s true.”

Kevin stared at Nick’s pale complextion unsure of what to say, his normally unflappable composure, shaken.

Brian looked up from the magazine when Kevin trudged into the private waiting room.

“Where is everybody?”

Setting the magazine on the seat beside him as he stood up, Brian replied, “Jay is outside smoking and Howie went with him for a change of scenery. Has Nick woke up yet?”

Kevin nodded.

“Why didn’t you get me then? I’m gonna go check on him...”

“He’s already asleep again.”

Brian’s shoulders sank. “Oh.... how did he take it?”

“You know Nick,” Kevin replied, trying to laugh it off.

“That bad?”

“Let’s put it this way, if he had the strength, I’m sure I wouldn’t be standing right now.”

Grabbing a paper cup, he poured a cup of decaf coffee. “Does he know about the chemo yet?”

“We never got that far with him. He was really fighting to stay awake just to chew my ass about bringing him here.”

“Does he realize how bad the nosebleed was?”

Kevin shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I would think he probably has an idea.”

“I have a feeling he’s gonna try and hold off the chemo until he can do that damned press conference.”

“Not if I talk to him.”

Kevin and Brian reeled, shocked to see Aaron Carter standing in the doorway of the waiting room.

Brian’s eyes widened as he looked at the young teen and then past him to the doorway. “Aaron? Where’s your folks?”

“I came by myself. I caught the phone and talked to Howie and I came.”

Brian hugged the teenager. “Oh, so your parents arranged for your flight?”

“Nah, just my credit card and my bodyguard Ryan. I left them a note.”

Brian pushed Aaron away to look into his face. “A note?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. I told them I had to do some unexpected PR and that Ryan was accompanying me. Can I see Nick now?” As two older men exchanged glances, Aaron picked up on their uneasiness. “Is everything okay? I want to see Nick,” panic was evident in his voice.

“It probably isn’t a good idea today, he’s still coming out of the anesthesia..”

“No, maybe it’s better for Aaron to see Nick while he’s sleeping,” Kevin decided, glancing warily at the young boy.

Aaron turned to run out the door. “Something’s wrong! I want to see my brother!”

Kevin reached out and snagged the boy by his arm, jerking him from the exit. “Aaron, calm down!”

“Then let me see him!”

Kevin guided Aaron to the nearest chair in the room, forcing him to sit. “It’s been a few months since you’ve seen him, we need to talk about a few things before you go in his room...”

Nick struggled to open his eyes, but his lids seemed so heavy and uncooperative that every time he thought he was going to succeed, his eyes would only roll back and his lids would close. He listened to the noises as he tried to figure out where he was or to decide if he was trying to wake from another nightmare.

A clicking noise told him that there was an IV running beside him, so he immediately knew that it meant that he was in the hospital again. He couldn’t breathe through his nose either and that was annoying him as he struggled to regain consciousness. There was a distinctive noise that made Nick turn his head in the direction of the sound.

He thought he heard someone quietly sob. It was a tiny, almost choked. Frowing, he tried to will his eyes to open. He couldn’t place who the sound was coming from. It was too light to be one of the guys.

Mustering all of the strength that was left in his tired body, Nick finally managed to pry his eyes halfway open. His vision was blurred at first but after a few blinks he thought he saw a young teen sitting beside him, his head bowed.

“AC?” His voice betrayed him and the words only came out in a small whisper. Clearing his throat, Nick tried again.

Very slowly, Aaron lifted his eyes to look at his brother and quickly looked back down again. It was obvious to him that what Aaron was looking at made him uncomfortable. Pulling a hand out from under the covers, Nick reached out to touch his brother’s hand.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” Nick apologized.

Aaron softly took Nick’s hand, touching it like it was an expensive, delicate object. He couldn’t reply and only managed to shrug his shoulders.

Nick was happy just to gaze at his baby brother. He missed him and just to have him hold his hand made him feel ten times better than what any medication could ever offer in relief. After a few minutes, the silence was broken.

“Brian didn’t want me to stay in here alone.”

Nick’s heart skipped a beat. He suddenly felt awful. He must really look worse than what he imagined for Brian to think that Aaron shouldn’t be left alone in the room.

“I guess he was worried that I would freak out on you or something. I dunno. I’m fine though cause I snuck back in here when he and when he found me I told him I was okay with this.”

Nick tried to follow what Aaron was saying, but his words seem to ramble on and he could tell that this kid that was used to holding thousands of people captive onstage was literally unsure of his words and uncomfortable alone in the room. It was as if he was a stranger to his own sibling. The next words Aaron uttered tore at Nick’s heart.

“I still don’t think it’s you.... I mean I know it’s you, but you don’t look like you....” he pulled his hand from Nick’s and quickly wiped the tears that flowed down his cheeks. “Why is this happening?”

Tears started to slide down Nick’s cheeks and he left them unchecked as he turned his face away from his brother’s. “I wish I knew,” he whispered.

Aaron stood up and for a moment, Nick was certain his brother would bolt out of the room. To his surprise, Aaron softly laid his head on Nick’s chest. “I love you Nick.”

“Good morning Mr. Carter, my name is Hal and I’m from transportation,” a man dressed in dark green scrubs announced as he walked in with a wheelchair.

Aaron stirred from the chair over in the corner of the room.

“Am I getting discharged or something?” Nick asked, with anticipation in his voice.

“Surgery.. didn’t you already sign a surgical consent form?”

Nick narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the orderly and shook his head negatively.

“Hold on a moment, I’ll get your nurse, back in a sec.”

“Why are you having surgery Nick?”

“I’m not having surgery, there must be some mistake.”

Deciding that he needed to lighten the atmosphere, Aaron grinned.

“Spill it AC, what are you smiling about?”

“Maybe they finally scheduled that breast surgery you wanted.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Nick remarked dryly.

“I have your chart right here Nick, the consent’s been signed for the biopsy,” the nurse annouced as she breezed into the room.

Nick raised an eyebrow at the woman. “I didn’t sign any consent--”

“Biopsy? What biopsy?” Aaron squeaked.

Nick held his IV free hand in the air to silence his brother. “I didn’t sign any consent, I’m telling you!”

The woman looked paged through the legal print until she found the final page. “Here it is... oh, I see now why you don’t recall signing this, it was signed by your advocate.”

“Will someone tell me what’s going on?” Aaron pleaded as he looked at Nick and then the nurse. “What’s an advocate?”

“Brian decided to take the situation in his hands again,” Nick mumbled. “It’s nothing to be concerned over Aaron. I’ll talk to Brian when he comes in.”

Aaron couldn’t let this drop. “Nick, what’s an advocate and what are they talking about a biopsy for?”

“Sweetheart, an advocate is someone that your brother designated to make decisions for him when he can’t.”

“Well, that was a mistake, he is trying to take over my damn life.”

“And the biopsy? What is that about?”

The nurse looked directly at Nick. “You have to answer this one, Nick. That’s not for me to do.”

“Please Nick, tell me what’s going on!”

Licking his lips, Nick looked at his little brother as he summoned up the courage to tell him the horrible news.

“Please Nick.”

“They found a lump on my liver and they want to do a biopsy on the lump to see if the cancer has spread.”

“And you’re gonna do it, right?”

“Aaron, I’m so tired...”

Tears immediately sprang into the young teen’s eyes. “Nick you have to do it.”

Nick shook his head. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You have to do it.... you just have to.”

“What if it comes back positive? I honestly don’t think I can handle more bad news.”

“I’ll be there with you. Please do this Nick. Please.”

Nick’s eyes locked onto his brother’s. He couldn’t stand to look at his tear streaked face any longer.

He was sad and crying and it was all because of him.

“I’ll do it for you.”

“Nick you have to do it for yourself too,” he added.

“Okay..okay, I’m doing it for you and for myself and for everyone else.”

Aaron wrapped his arms around Nick’s shoulders. “Thank you!” He moved away from his brother when the orderly placed the wheel chair beside the bed. Aaron could only watched in shock as the man helped Nick onto shaky legs. He couldn’t believe how much his brother’s appearance had changed so dramatically in less than a few months. The thick, blond hair was now all but a memory as patches of scalp stuck shined through the scattered patches of hair that stubbornly remained. His skin looked paper thin and threatened to rip if he was careless and bumped an arm or a leg.

The man that was being helped into a wheelchair was anyone but his brother. Aaron swallowed the lump the was forming in his throat as he fought back the tears that were burning in his eyes.

As the orderly unlocked the wheels, he turned toward Aaron. “You can wait in here if you’d like. He should be back in his room in less than an hour from now.”

“Go eat some breakfast or something. I’ll be fine. See you in a few.”

Aaron closed the door softly after Nick was wheeled out. Calmly, he walked back to his brother’s bed and unabashedly felt the warmth of the sheets.

Nick’s warmth... his life.....

Picking up the pillow, he breathed his brother’s essense in.

So many memories ran through his mind, so many feelings. Comfort... security... love....

Covering his face with the pillow, Aaron wept as his pent up emotions finally surfaced and spilled.

He was afraid of losing Nick.

“Nick, don’t die... please don’t die..” he repeated over and over as he wept until he finally fell asleep.

“Good morning, we’re all set for you.”

Nick warily looked at the young woman that was seated next to the ultrasound equipment. He mumbled a half-hearted good morning back, not moving from the wheel chair.

“I need you to lay down on the table for me please,” she asked as she gestured toward the examination bed that was covered with a thin sheet of paper.

Slowly, Nick tried his best to stand up only to falter and land back down on his butt in the chair. The orderly that brought him to the room quickly grabbed the back of Nick’s arm and helped him back up on shaky legs.

“There we go,” she sing-songed as she typed in information in the machine. “Do you want a warm blanket?”

Nick gave her a slight nod. Those rooms were always cool and he never turned down the offer of a blanket that was taken straight from the warmer. Of all the tests he had taken so far, ultrasounds really weren’t bad at all. Although the ‘blue goop’ that was squeezed onto his stomach was gross and the fact that he had to expose his swollen stomach to some stranger, didn’t seem to bother Nick at all. The only part of the test he disliked was when the tech would press down a little too hard on his stomach.

The young woman returned with the blanket and unfolded it across his legs. Nick shivered dispite the warmth.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, Dr. Javier ordered the ultrasound before the biopsy so that he’ll know exactly where to get the biopsy from,” the tech explained as she lifted the hospital gown up, exposing his stomach.

The doctor’s name wasn’t anyone that Nick was familiar with. “Who’s Dr. Javier?”

“He’s a hepatic specialist.”

“Hepatic?”

“Liver specialist.”

“Oh,” Nick sighed.

The tech rubbed Nick’s shoulder sympathetically. “I know, there’s probably so many people involved with you right now it’s hard to keep track of, isn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“He’s one of the best in the field,” she reassured. “Sorry if this is a little cold,” she stated as she squirted the gel onto his stomach. Nick drew a breath in when the cool gel made contact with his skin.

He laid waiting quietly for the woman to finish the test and print the pictures, thankful she didn’t want to make any small talk with him. It was always an uncomfortable situation for Nick and he felt like he was literally under a microscope when he had anything done to him at the hospital. He had been there enough that there were some people he knew and preferred have his x-rays or blood tests done by, but he wasn’t always so lucky in getting the same people each time he visited the hospital.

“Alright, we’re all set here. I’ll have the films ran over to the room for Dr. Javier. Wait right here and I’ll get transportation to take you down to surgical suite.”

“Surgery?” Nick jerked. “No one said anything to me about doing surgery!”

“Your nurse didn’t discuss the procedure with you at all?”

Nick shook his head negatively. The tech patted him on the shoulder.

“It’s nothing as bad as you’re thinking, I’m pretty sure. They’ll explain the procedure before they start.”

Brian entered Nick’s room with a magazine tucked underneath an arm. He was expecting to find Nick sitting in bed, hopefully spending some long lost quality time with Aaron. He was surprised to find Aaron curled up in a ball, hugging a pillow, fast asleep.

Quietly he laid the magazine down ontop of the bedstand and pulled the green blanket on Aaron.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, go back to sleep,” Brian apologized.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Aaron looked around the room. “Is my brother back yet?”

“I just walked in and he’s not here. Where did they take him to?”

“They said something about doing a bio something on his liver.”

“Oh, the biopsy. I was wondering if they would be able to do it since he had the trouble with the nosebleed.”

“Well Nick wasn’t gonna do it and I think he’s pissed about you signing papers.”

“He’ll get over it. He’s doing it, right?”

Aaron nodded. “Only after I begged him to do it. He kept saying he was tired.”

“This has taken a lot out of your brother.”

Aaron looked at Brian with tear filled eyes. “I know and it scares me.”

Brian wrapped his arms around the young boy. “It scares me too, bud.”

“It was awful Brian,” he squeeked. “Nick couldn’t even stand up on his own. He’s getting so thin and he doesn’t look like Nick. He doesn’t act like Nick either.”

“You know he’s not mad at you, don’t you? I mean he was surprised when he saw you, but I think he just wanted to be a little more prepared for you to see him.”

“My mom is going to freak out when she sees him. I feel so bad Brian, I have a hard time looking at him.”

Brian tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. “I know.... but it’s still Nick in there. He’s doing this for you, he wants to give up but he’s fighting for you.”

Aaron pushed himself from Brian’s embrace and locked eyes. “I want Nick to do this for himself.... not for me!”

The antiseptic smell of the surgical suite made Nick’s empty stomch churn. He only had two experiences with surgery so far and they had already burned negative memories in his brain. Evidently, his thoughts were showing on his face as a nurse dressed in surgical scrubs approached her patient.

“Are you feeling okay?”

Swallowing, Nick nodded. “Just a little nervous I guess.”

“My name is Joan. I need you to get on the table,” she asked as she took a firm grip the back of Nick’s arm.

Doing the best that his weak legs would allow, Nick managed to stand and slowly walk toward the table with the nurse’s aid.

“Okay, sit down and swing your legs up,” she directed, helping him pull his legs up and onto the table. “Lay back,” she asked as she supported his back, leading him down gently onto the table. “Did anyone tell you what we’re going to be doing today?”

Nick was a bundle of nerves as several different people in the suite moved about the surgical cot placing trays and equipment around him. “No, just that I was having a biopsy on my liver.”

Joan smiled. “Okay, it’s a relatively easy procedure.”

“Easy for you to say,” Nick joked lightly.

“What is going to happen is, Dr. Javier is going to numb the area with Lidocane with a series of injections until the route the biospy needle needs to take is numb. When that is done, you will be told to take a breath and hold it while he inserts the needle into the liver and extracts tissue. He might do this a few times, it all depends on the specimens he takes and what he’s looking at.”

“You mean I’m going to be awake for this?”

The nurse nodded. “We’re not going to put you to sleep for this and if everything is okay, we’ll have you back to your room in less than an hour. How does that sound?”

“Peachy.”

“Good morning Nick, I’m Dr. Javier, how are you this morning?”

Nick looked up into the older doctor’s deep brown eyes. They reminded him of AJ’s. “Fine I guess.” Before Nick had time to speak again, he could feel his gown being pulled up once again and cool liquid being scrubbed over his upper right side. “Just some betadine,” a man stated quietly as he meticulously rubbed the area with a rough sponge.

The doctor smiled and walked toward a viewer that held the pictures of what Nick figured was his liver. “Okay, are we set?”

“Yes Dr. Javier.”

A nurse slipped a surgical mask over the doctor’s face and tied it in place. “Nick, I will be doing some injections to numb up your stomach,” the doctor stated.

Nick nodded, still feeling like everything that was happening to him was so surreal. This all had to be some mistake, he decided. One year ago he was riding high on tour with his brothers, singing, dancing and partying carefree. Now he was laying in the hospital fighting for his life doing endless tests and taking countless medications.

“Okay, this is going to hurt but it will only be temporary,” Dr. Javier assured. “Poke....”

Nick cried out when the needle pierced his stomach. The medication that was being injected burned as it seeped into his skin.

“Sorry.... Poke again.”

Tears were now blurring his vision and he tried his best not to yell out or even let a single tear fall. The nurse that was standing by his head, rubbed his shoulder in a comforting way.

“Another poke...”

‘God when was he going to stop this?’ Nick wondered as he bit his bottom lip. He could feel the numbing was happening but every time he reached an area that wasn’t numb it kicked in new painful sensations.

“Alright, we’ll wait for a few minutes before we start,” the doctor stated confidently. “How are you doing?”

“Fine,” Nick lied. He wanted to scream but all that came from his mouth was a pathetic sound when he answered the man.

“Okay Nick, this is very important that you hold your breath when I tell you and don’t yell or shout out,” the doctor urged.

The command he had to obey scared him. It was like when someone tells you that you can’t go to the bathroom and all you can do from that point on is think about how much you need to go to the bathroom, Nick thought to himself.

“I’ll try.”

“No.. there’s no I’ll try with this,” the doctor sternly stated. “You must keep perfectly still. I’m sticking a needle into your liver and if you jump or yell, it could cause serious complications.”

Blinking back the tears that pooled in his eyes, Nick nodded.

“Alright..... take a deep breath and hold....”

As the nurse leaned in to Nick’s ear and counted one..two...three...four.. all Nick could do was keep repeating in his head over and over, ‘I hate my life...I hate my life... I hate my life...’

Before he realized it, the doctor was snapping his surgical gloves off. “Give him 60ml morphine. Nick, the samples I harvested look pretty good, but I will still have to have tests ran to make sure. It should take a few days for the results.”

“They already did the test thing?” AJ rasped as he entered Nick’s room finding Brian and Aaron sitting in a corner as Nick was snoring softly.

“Yep, they not only did the test but they snowed him,” Brian replied, gesturing at Nick.

“Yeah, he had to be pretty much lifted into bed,” Aaron added.

“Does anyone know what they found out yet?” Kevin asked walking over toward the bed.

“No one said anything to me. We can ask when Nick’s doctor makes her rounds I suppose,” Brian stated as he watched his cousin draw the blankets higher on Nick’s chest.

“Is it just me or does Nick’s eyes look blacker?” Aaron wondered as he stared at his brother’s face.

“He definately has some dark circles under them, doesn’t he,” Kevin observed. “Where did D say he was going again?”

“Dumbass Latino said something about...” AJ stopped his explaination when Kevin shot a dirty look in his direction. “Ooops, I mean, Howie said something about calling home and he’d be up in a few minutes.”

“Brian, how is Leighanne?” Aaron asked, desperate to lighten the uneasiness he was feeling.

Brian immediately smiled at the young boy. “She’s doing great. Naturally she’s upset that she can’t be here with us, but the doctor grounded her from flying or traveling until after the baby comes. Funny you should ask about her today, she has another doctor appointment today.”

“When is she due again?” the boy asked with genuine interest.

“Soon, but not soon enough for either one of us.”

“You make it sound like you’re the one that’s carrying all the weight dork,” AJ chuckled.

“She’s not that bad..” Brian defended.

“If I recall, you said she told you she looked like she was carrying triplets the last time you said anything about her,” AJ remarked.

“Well, that’s a pregnant woman’s perspective,” Brian responded.

A moan from Nick abruptly stopped the conversation. Kevin was quick to lay a comforting hand on the young man’s shoulder. “Sh-h-h-h, it’s okay. Do you want your nurse?”

Not opening his eyes, Nick frowned. “No.”

“How do you feel? Are you hurting?” Kevin questioned.

“I hurt 24/7,” Nick mumbled.

“Dumb question...do you hurt more?”

“I’m okay right now.”

“Hey Nick,” Aaron said as he scooped one of Nick’s hands into his. Nick responded with a slight squeeze, wrinkling his brow.

“AC? When did you get.... oh yeah.”

Aaron looked puzzled at Nick’s face until AJ announced with a smirk, “They gave him some good drugs.” “Obviously.”

“Ha,” Nick croaked.

“Well good morning Nickolas, I see you’ve got company this morning,” Dr. Andersen stated as she breezed into the room, two people in long, white lab coats flanking her. “How did the biopsy go this morning?”

“We were going to ask you that question ourselves,” Kevin replied.

“I know about as much as you do, other than Dr. Javier seemed to be pleased with the samples and that it looked promising.”

“When will we know for sure about the results?”

“More than likely not until early next week. I’m still anxious to start with the chemo regardless.

“Oh no, no I’m not,” Nick mumbled.

“Nick you have to,” Aaron argued.

“I’m sick of the mouth sores and throwing up and sleeping all the time.”

“I’ve told you there are things we can do to help you with this,” Dr. Andersen assured.

“Nothing works and you know that,” Nick argued. “Besides, you’re talking about upping the chemo and I know damn well I’m going to be even sicker than the last time I was on that crap.”

“Nick you have to remember that this can save your life,” Kevin interjected.

“You do it for me then!”

“I wish I could. I hate seeing you go through this. Like we’ve said we’re here for you.”

“We all wish we could help you.”

“I hate feeling so helpless from this,” Nick whined, eyes brimming with tears. “Feeling sick to my stomach, throwing up everything I manage to eat, God, sleeping like a baby after I eat. I don’t want to go through this again.”

“Nick you have to,” Aaron pleaded in a pitiful voice. “I can’t lose you.”

Nick’s heart sank when he heard Aaron’s voice. He couldn’t let his brother down. He needed to push aside his feelings and take on all the unpleasantness of the disease and the cure. “Bri, can you sign the papers for me?”

“Anything you want, I’ll do it,” Brian replied softly.

“Okay, I’ll start the chemo after I do the press conference.”

“Nick, drop the idea of the press conference for now, okay?” Kevin asked.

“I need to do the conference,” Nick agrued.

“You don’t need to do jack,” AJ replied. “You need to get better and besides, you have two black eyes Carter, you can wait for a little while longer.”

Upon hearing the remark about the black eyes, Nick’s hand went up to his face.

“I will remove the packing today and see if the bleeding has stopped,” Dr. Andersen announced. “If it has, we can hook up the port and start the chemo and you can go home this afternoon.”

“Doc, do you think I could wait until tomorrow to start the chemo? I’d like to spend a couple of days with my brother before I start this stuff again,” Nick asked with pleading eyes. “I promise I'll start the chemo, I just want to have some time with Aaron.”

“Very well, let’s take a look at your nose and see if we can get you out of here...”

"Do you guys remember when we were in Hawaii and I was trying to teach this little squirt" AJ ruffled Aaron’s hair roughly, "to surf on his stomach? Man that was some tough times." He grinned at the memory.

Running his hand through his hair to fix it, Aaron responded with a wide smile, "Yeah you were telling me how to use my arms and then go with the flow. Man that was soo funny." He started to tell the story with dramatic gestures and the guys listening with smiles on their faces.

"Dude, you almost drowned, " Nick remembered with not much enjoyment as the rest of them.

"Did not," Aaron commented a bit annoyed over that his big brother had to bring up that "little unnessesary" comment.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Stop it," Kevin was the first to break off the two brothers from fighting. "You act like kids.”

"That is beacuse they are kids," AJ commented, the smartass that he could be.

Aaron was on the verge of saying something naughty back when he suddenly stopped himself, "Ok, Ok I surrender." He held up his hands in the air in a defeated gesture.

Nick responded only with a short "Ha!" The Ha could have been translated, "I told you that didn't I little brat," but Nick refrained from commenting on it.

"Well if the waves hadn´t been so high I wouldnt have gone under water." Aaron still felt an urge to explain the situation.

"Correction.... if you hadn´t been so stubborn and had listened to what I said, mainly that you shouldnt get out so far, it wouldn´t have happened." Nick added, the big brother that he was.

"Whatever," Aaron shrugged leaving the story for now. He felt that he was loosing and like his older brother he could be rather competitive.

"Hey do you guys remember when we had that photoshoot with those angry parrots?" Brian said with a grin. "You know, the ones that screamed?"

"Are you kidding? How can we forget?" Kevin said with a shiver. "They were so loud, yelling into my ear so loud I thought that I would go deaf."

Howie looked at the guys then he said with a sigh, "Well at least you weren´t the one that got bit!"

Brian grinned and the rest of them chuckled, "Yeah that´s right D' that red one bit you so hard your finger swelled up into one gigantic balloon!" The guys started to laugh at the memory, all but Howie, who looked a little crossed that they were having so much fun at his expense. He pouted sullenly like he was remembering his battle with the hated bird.

"And then you screamed man, you screamed so high that I thought my head would explode." Kevin winced.

"Yeah you even outvoiced the parrots."

"It was a girlish scream," Nick added with a hint of laughter in his eyes. The guys laughed even harder.

"Yeah it sure scared the crap out of all of us," Brian smiled, patting his friend on the back with a comforting gesture and Howie couldnt help but grin too.

"It wasn´t all it scared the shit out off, " AJ shook his head with laughter, "man I never thought that bird poop could be so gross. It flew all over the place."

"I know, " Howie was silent for a short while before he added with a certain disgust, "in my hair too." This had the guys rolling with laughter. With a frown on his forehead Howie, had uncounsiously ran his hand in his hair as if the memory was much too vivid for him. When the guys refused to give him pity he continued, "it took forever to get that poop out of my head."

"That parrot was one dead bird if D' had his hands on it." AJ smíled.

"Yup it can laugh itself lucky that it flew away instead." Nick said with a grin, "Howie Dorough, the birds best friend." That was as far from the truth that it could possibly be.

"Maaaan I wish I could have been there," Aaron whined loudly as he watched the guys with admiration in his eyes. They had always been his idols.

"You were probably with Mom somewhere, " Nick said grinning at his little brother, "taking a nap!"

"Awww that´s not faiiirrrr," Aaron whined even louder when he received a gentle slap from his brother.

"Quit whining!"

It was like old times. They were seated around the kitchen table bringing up memories, lauging and telling jokes. Aaron was listening, feeling very special since the guys turned their attention to him and he had played a big part in all of their lives since he was on tour in Nick’s shadow, following his brother everywhere. Not that Nick minded since he loved the little squirt to death. And Nick was everything for him and to the guys he became their mascot. Pet mascot.

"We had some wild stuff going on at that time, " AJ commented like he wished he could go back to those years.

"Yeah even if there were some hard times too," Kevin added, the realistic person that he was. They all looked at their older brother with a sigh and there was silence for a while. It was like they all dreamed back to the years of 94-97, before they were becoming really famous. Kev had been right, it had been hard work, but there were lots of fun too.

Brian was the one to first break the silence, "Do you guys remember when Aaron hid in a suitcase when he was suppose to go home?"

They all nodded and soon the story was in full work.

"Yup, it was lucky that Mom started to look for you," Nick commented, "not to mention that the bellboy dropped the suitcase on the floor." He smiled as Aaron looked at him, "and you fell out together with tons of dirty socks and underwear." That had them all laughing. It had been hilarious.

"You think THAT was funny?" Aaron added a bit annoyed over suddenly becoming the laughing object, "You have NOOO idea how much that hurt my butt." More laughter.

"Well Ace, you sorta got discovered," Nick patted his little brother on the shoulder, "you know that stunt was kind of crazy, don´t pull it again."

Aaron grinned not saying anything.

"Like he could do that these days," Brian added, "Look how tall you’ve become." There was laughter in the older man’s eyes as he uttered the comment. But no one paid attention to his michevious grin.

"Dude you sound like an old man," AJ sneered suddenly, "lighten up will ya."

The men looked at AJ. It was a totally unexpected comment for the situation and Howie felt the need to say something to lighten up the mood again. It was not like Bone to act like that. He wondered silently what was eating him. "I’ll never forget the bellboy’s face when Aaron fell out," he chuckled lightly, "he must have thought that we had kidnapped you or something."

Even if there was a slight laugh, it didn’t work to lighten up the mood and everybody was growing silent again. Turning back to their own moody selves like they had been all time since they come to stay with their sick friend. It was like the seriousness of the situation had caught up with them and no matter how hard they tried, the laughter wasn´t there anymore."

"Anyway Kiddo," Kevin said standing up grabbing the plates after they had eaten sandwiches and drank sodas, "it could have gone really bad if you hadn´t rolled out."

Nick had been silent for a while, "Bro, there is something I have always wanted to ask you." The other guys looked at him.

"Shoot."

"How the he..heck did you pull that stunt off?" there was admiration in Nick’s voice. “I mean how could you close that suitcase?"

Aaron laughed, "Secret."

"Aww come on AC!" Nick said with a giggle, "I really wanna know.

"Sorry Bro, that is a well guarded secret. No can do!" He looked at Brian who smiled too. Noticing this, Nick made a michevious grin and his eyes danced with laughter, "Ok," he said, "then I will be forced to..tooo...tickle you tooo death!" He made a move and Aaron started to giggle at the mere thought of Nick tickling him. He braced himself to accept the torture, but Nick did no such thing. Instead he sighed loudly, "That´s alright buddy..some things you should keep to yourself."

There became a silence in the room. The joking moment was gone.

Yawning loudly, as he quickly covering his hand over his mouth, he said tiredly, "Sorry guys but it´s getting kind of late and I´m a bit wiped out. That anesthesia and those painkillers are taking the edge out of everything." He sounded appologetical. "I think I´ll turn in early tonight. I hope you guys have nothing against it." Not waiting for a response he stood up, pushing the chair aside.

"No, actually that sounds like a good idea," Brian said, "you know I think we’re all beat and should go to bed." He sounded a bit pathetic.

"Whatever."

"You need any help Nicky?" Howie asked, reaching out to help his sick friend like he had done so many times since they came down to Florida. When Nick wavered slightly he reached out his arm to steady him but Nick slapped it away when his eyes met Aaron’s for a second. Aaron’s eyes were filled with fright and tears. Something sad washed over Nick’s expression, but he said nothing about it. "Nah I think I can handle it." He smiled reassuringly to Aaron who instantly looked away. That hurt.

With painful moves and hunched posture, Nick walked from the room like an old man. The other guys watched at him as he left the room. "G'night guys, night AC," Nick said, his back against them as he left the room like a blind man. It was clear that their friend was feeling worse than he let on but he had done his best to keep his posture up.

"Goodnight," they all said with Brian adding, "You know, wake me up if there is something you need or something, ok?"

But Nick had already left the room to go upstairs and a silence pierced the room and the happiness and laughter that had been so present minutes ago was gone. Replaced with a fog of sadness. A fog of reality.

"You alright kid?" AJ asked Aaron who hadn’t looked up from the table yet. He was quiet and his face was drawn like he was in deep thoughts. Not moving a non understandable mumble was heard, "Mpfff."

"Kiddo?"

This time a bit louder, "Mmmm..I guess so."

"That´s my man," AJ smiled, giving the teen a hug. Nick’s brother was his brother too and he had practically grown up with the kid. Aaron accepted the hug, if yet a bit stiff, but AJ kept holding him. Not letting go of his embrace. Soon the tears started to break free and the blonde started to cry against AJ´s shirt. Without a word AJ let him.

When all that were left were sobs, AJ moved the young teen with his hands, gently, asking, "Dude I really gotta know something."

"O..ok," Aaron’s voice broke.

"Brian didn´t have anything to do with you getting stuffed into that suitcase, did he?"

Upon hearing those words Aaron stopped crying and looked up, the same michevious laughter glittering in his eyes like his older brother had when he was up to some prank. "Nooo what make you think that?"

"Oh I dont know." AJ turned his head towards Brian who stood by the sink. Aaron glanced over at their mutual friend and as their eyes met, AJ could see Brian trying to look serious, but failing miserably. His eyes danced with laughter.

Shaking his head, AJ commented with laughter bubbling under the cool surface, "Man I didn’t think so either." Then he broke out into a large grin.

The strong Florida sun made an entrance into the small bed room, piercing through the curtains, onto the sleeping fourteen year old boy . With a groan, Aaron rolled over on his side, drawing the sheet further over his eyes, "Mom, shut those blinds!" When no answer came he opened his eyes, peering, just to discover that he wasn’t in his own room. Instead he was at his brother’s house down in Tampa.

Sweeping a hand across his face in a tired gesture, he took in the surroundings. It was a sparcely decorated room, his brother not being much for interor design. Instead it looked ordinary. 'Many people would be surprised if they knew how "non celeb" Nick’s place looked,' Aaron mused, sitting up in bed.

Slowly yesterday’s events came back to him. Slapping him in his face. He had left home, intending to go up to Tampa to stay with Nick. The last weeks talk about his brother and the cancer had him scared and he wanted desperately to make sure that his big brother was fine. With that in mind he booked a flight to Tampa. All alone. When he called from the airport, his parents had thrown a fit. Yelling at him, telling him to come back home. Aaron being the rebel that he was had hung up. At the moment it had seemed so much more important to see Nick then obeying his parents. They could wait but his brother could not.

Later on in the evening he had called back, expecting to get his ass chewed at, but instead they had been understanding and after a quick conversation with Kevin he had been allowed to stay at Nick’s house until after the weekend. Today it was Wednesday so that meant that he had plenty of time to share with his brother. He had been so scared.

Scared over the way that Nick looked and that he would die on him. His brother was just skin and bone and the sickly yellow complexion made him look even sicker. He had looked so small laying there in the hospital bed and the bald patches where his golden blonde hair had been was visible to him. Nick had done nothing to hide it. But what really had knocked him for a loop was how much Nick had aged over time. His eyes always so full of life and humor were dull and sad. But there was also something more, a wisdom that he had never seen there before. At least not what he was aware of.

Aarons thoughts had crossed over to that his brother looked like a prisoner taken from a concentration camp. The first instinct had been to run, but when he heard that Nick needed him he had decided to stay.

His brother had been so happy to see him and when he saw the light that lit up his brother’s face he knew that he had made the right decision. This was his big brother that he had loved and adored so much. It was the same that had he thought could never do anything wrong.

His hero!

The day had continued at a slow pace and when they had came back from the hospital it had been an uneventful but relaxing evening with lots of talking and joking. It had been great since for a while they all forgot about the reality and sickness that had otherwise been hanging around in the room like thick smoke. Suffocating them one by one. The magic suddenly disappeared when Nick had declared that he was tired and then went to bed. It was like a vail of sadness had fallen over the group and he had shut himself out. Not wanting to look his own brother in the eyes. Aaron felt bad for it, but it was much too hard to cope with and he didn’t know how he was suppose to deal with a reality like this.

A loud growl from the inner depths interrupted his thoughts. It reminding him that he hadn´t eaten anything since last night and he was starving for breakfast. With that in mind he jumped into a pair of tan baggy shorts and a blue and white striped tee shirt. Barefoot he padded outside and over to the bathroom across the hall. After finishing up his morning business, he decided to go down to see if there were something edible in the kitchen. On his way down, he passed Nick’s room and the door was open a crack. Not being able to stop his own curiosity, he peeked inside only to see that the room was empty. 'They had to be downstairs eating already,' Aaron thought taking the stairs in several steps.

Nick’s house was pretty small. It wasn´t like the grand house that he lived at in LA. The house that his brother had bought for them when he wanted to give away something special for Christmas. The same Christmas when he couldn´t be with them since he was busy touring over in Europe.

When Nick had moved out from their home, saying that he would live with Manda instead Aaron had cried a lot. Even if Nick often was out on the road he wanted his brother to live at home since it meant so much for him to be near Nick. Then when Manda and him broke up from their old home Nick had went and got this house. He said that since he was always away touring he didn’t want something big to clean and therefore he bought this small home. But Aaron knew better. He knew that his brother felt lost in big houses since he was used to growing up on the road, packed into small busses, vans, hotel rooms and lots of people. Since Aaron grew up under similar circumstances, he knew that Nick thought a big house would make him too lonely.

What Nick instead valued was the outside view. Being the water freak that he was, he buildt the house outside Tampa, down on the beach of Tampa Bay. Just like the Carter family, Nick also had a house in Marathon and one in Key West. Unfortunatly they had little time to spend down in the Keys but when they were together they often went out fishing, swimming and diving. Just relaxing, being a family. In Marathon Nick also had a his beauty. A white luxery boat that he loved taking out on rides. But that happened rarely too.

"Hello?" Aaron called out when he came downstairs. It was silent, not a soul in sight. The guys, including his brother had probably went to the studio to record some songs. Without him. With a deep sigh he walked into the kitchen area. It was clean and empty and he opened the refrigerator to scan for something edible. Grabbing the juice carton, he poured the orange juice into a tall glass, taking a sip. It was good but it didn’t stop the hunger that was growling inside him. Scanning the shelves, he found the pizza from yesterday. Nick’s pizza.

Frowning, he tasted a piece. It was good and he took out the whole plate. He tried not to let it disturb him, but the fact that his brother hadn´t even tasted his favorite dish had him concerned. Nick claimed that he wasn´t hungry and that he had already eaten over at the hospital. Aaron knew that was a load of bull. It was the cancer eating his brother from inside out.

Taking his glass and the plate with the pizza slices, he placed it on the counter and then sat down on the high bar stool. While eating his breakfast, he absently looked outside just to be met with a familiar figure sitting down by the beach looking out on the water and the white luxery sailboats cruising the bay.

After quickly eating up his breakfast he decided to go outside and join his big brother. The moment he stepped out on the patio, Nick’s two dogs came running to them. "Hey Mikey," Aaron cajoled as he patted the two pugs and scratched them behind their ears. The dogs wagged their tails, happy to be recognized. Hunched down, the teen talked to the dogs for a while. He loved animals just as much as Nick, and all together the family had 9 dogs, several cats and birds. His father sometimes complained that it was like living at a zoo. When Aaron felt tired of scratching the dogs stomachs he said, "Ok boys, lead me to Nick." Instantly the dogs jumped up and then went off in full speed down by the beach where their master was sitting, relaxing.

With a smile the teen watched as the dogs attacked his brother, licking him on his face, barking at him to come and play. Patiently, Nick let the dogs play with him and he threw them a stick he found. The dogs set off which had Nick laughing.

"Morning Bro´" Aaron greeted. It was a beautiful day and even if it wasn´t noon it had every potential to be hot outside. It was the perfect day to be out on the ocean, just chillin, relaxing or floating like Nick used to say.

Turning his head in Aaron’s direction, Nick lit up with a smile on his face, "Morning sleepy head," he greeted him, "so you finally decided to join the land of the living." Patting on the ground next to him he continued, "here come and sit down beside me."

"Ok," Aaron sat down, instantly having the two dogs in his lap. He scratched one behind it´s ear while commenting, "You´re out early."

"Nope Bro, it´s you that´s late." He grinned slightly, "slept well?"

"Sorta, what you´re doin'?"

"Ohhh, nothing. Just thinking."

"Ah, cool." Aaron glanced over at Nick. Even if it was warm outside he was wearing a longsleeved t-shirt like he was cold and he had a blue bandana on his head. For a moment the teen thought that he looked just like he did when was young. Just as skinny. Trying to make small conversation Aaron asked, "Did the guys already leave for the studio?"

"Yep. It´s just you and me Kiddo." Nick ruffled his hair.

"Awww, stop it!" Aaron knew that he sounded whiny but he couldn’t help it. If it was something he hated it was when someone was ruffling his hair, messing up his hair style. "It´s getting all messed up." Irritated he flatted his hair with his hand.

"Man you´re starting to get as picky as D' is when it comes to his hairstyle." Nick chuckled.

"Bah..and you´re the one who should talk." Aaron said with certain disgust. "I´m not the one that spends hours in front of the mirror." Nick opened his mouth to say something but Aaron cut it short, "and don’t deny it cause I´ve seen you do it. Many times!"

It was a game that they played. Saying comments to each other, sometimes rude and gross ones and then returning the comments with something witty. It was like a game of tennis. Going back and forth.

"Not anymore I don´t!" Nick patted his head with his hand, "there isn´t too much to comb anymore."

'Shit!' Aaron felt like he wanted to lay down and die. 'How can I be such an asshole and say something like that to Nick when he is sick with cancer and all!' He mentally slapped himself several times before stuttering, "Uh..bro.. I´m so sorry..I didn´t mean to..eh.."

"Oh don´t worry. It has it´s advantages since I don´t need as much shampoo anymore and it´s getting cheaper too." He smiled towards the teen who blushed widely with embarrassment, "really Aaron, it´s ok!"

"Ok." Aaron smiled back but deep in his heart he wasn´t so sure that Nick was taking his sickness so easy as he wanted everyone believe that he did. This left him with an unsure feeling. There were so many questions that he wanted to ask, so many answers that he wanted to know. About the cancer. About the future. Yet he kept his mouth shut, not saying anything on the stuff that was constantly pleauging his mind.

"Check this out," Nick said waving with his hand towards the water, "isn´t it totally awesome?"

"Uh..what?"

"The water dork." Nick laughed quietly. "Could there be anything more relaxing? Doesn´t it look like you wanna jump in and swim your butt off?"

"Eh..I guess." Sometimes Aaron had a hard time following his brother. This was such a case.

"Don´t mind me," Nick added when he saw the confusion clouding his little brother’s face. "I´m always talking a whole load of bullshit. Always have and always will." "No you´re not." Aaron suddenly felt obligated to say something. His senses told him that Nick was feeling so much worse than he was letting on and he was doing his best to keep a happy facade. Acting had always been Nick’s strongest side, apart from music. But Aaron had never been fooled knowing his brother too well.

"Whatever." Nick shrugged like he always did when something was bothering him. Then he turned his attention back to the water and the sailboats. "Man I could pay thousands of dollars to be out on a boat on a day like this." There was something dreaming in his eyes, "Imagine being out on the ocean on a day like this. Just chillin', taking it easy." "Mhmmm." Since boats weren’t Aaron’s strongest passion he didn´t quite share the same enthusasim like his brother did. Nick had always loved the ocean and he when he was on his downtime he could spend hours on the beach, sitting there watching the waves hit against the shore. This was as far away from the public Nick could get. This was the real Nick. The hopeful dreamer.

"Dude," Nick broke the silence after a while, "how I wish we were down in Marathon. The we could go out on my beauty, fishing you know and chillin'. Just taking it easy, go with the flow." He stared into the horizon in that dreamy state that some people called spacing out. Aaron knew better. This was Nick’s shield. His protection from the world around him. An escape when it all was starting to become too much.

Nick jerked suddenly like he woke up from the trance he was in. "Hey what do you say squirt? Should we go down there, just you and me. Alone on a boat sailing the West Indies?" He smiled, flashing a teeth white grin. "That would be life, wouldn´t it?"

Aaron nodded. He didn´t want to destroy his brother’s dream by saying that he wasn´t so hot on the idea and instead did his fair share of acting. He and boats had never been a good combination. Even if he loved water too, it was one thing swimming and diving and another to rock on a boat. And the rocking made him seasick, which sucked. Sucked dirt!

Seasickness wasn´t all that had him feeling uncomfortable. The idea of spending time with his brother all alone didn’t sound so tempting either. What if something happened? Something that had to do with cancer.

Nick smiled, "But we won´t go."

"Whyyy?" Aaron felt surprised.

"Because it wouldn´t be such a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Thanks again...but you know it wouldn´t work." There was no explanation to his comments.

Before Aaron had a chance to think, he blurted out something that he could have given millions of dollars to have undone. "Is it because of the cancer?"

Nick’s face fell. "Nah..I was more thinking of you being seasick." He went quiet. Unnaturally quiet for Nick.

Aaron could feel his face blushing and he stuttered, desperate to trying to correct it all, "No..I didn´t..you know..I didn´t mean..uh..I.." But the damage was already done. He had blown it all. Wanting to slap his face, he mentally screamed to himself, 'God Carter how stupid can you be?'

Just when he thought that it was all over, he felt Nick’s hand on his shoulder. "AC it´s alright." The voice was quiet and calm, almost like a whisper. "I think it is time that you and me had a talk. You know some big brother talk.

A brother to brother talk?

Aaron swallowed hard. He wanted to, and yet he didn’t want to hear what his brother had to say. What if he would be saying something terrible? Like that he only had a month to live! Shivering despite the heat, he felt all the emotions build up inside him. They were so mixed that it was making him feel ill and dizzy. Looking under his bangs at his brother, he saw that Nick was just as nervous as he was.

The older man licked his lips. "You know..um..I´ve kind of..um..you..know..um..seen it." He stuttered desperately, " Dammit I can´t do this. I sound like a dumbass don´t I?"

Even if it was a serious moment, Aaron couldn´t help but smile, "Yeah you do," he said honestly, adding, "dork!"

"Hey!" Nick laughed, "man I knew it..I should have stuck with telling you about the birds and the bees."

"The birds and the bees?" Aaron was playing dumb.

Nick fidgeted a bit nervous. "Yeah you know..the bees!" There was annoyance in his tone of voice. "Oh!" Aaron laughed, "you mean sex!"

"Yeah!" Nick’s head bobbed up and down, relieved that his little brother finally caught the picture.

"There’s no need to do that since I already know how it works." Aaron grinned widely like a cat that caught a bird.

"What!" Nick’s voice went shrill in the same way it always went when he got upset. Then realizing that his little brother was telling the truth he surrendered, running a hand over his face, "I don´t like it!"

"Too bad cause I do." Aaron grinned even wider. It was fun noticing his brother blushing. The mighty Nick Carter who could get any girl that he wanted, almost.

"My God you´re just a kid Aaron!"

"I´m fourteen!" There was a hint of annoyance in the teen’s voice.

Nick shook his head repeatedly, "Like I said. A kid. Dude you´ve barely got out of your diapers." Aaron shot him a look that could have been translated ’drop dead’. Nick chuckled.

"Well let´s say that I´ve done more than that."

"Does mom know?" There was doubt in his brother’s voice.

"Excuse me? What does mom have to do with my sex life?" Now it was Aaron’s turn to raise his voice.

"Well for a start you´re underaged.

"Duh!"

Nick frowned "Shit, when I was your age I had barely kissed a girl, let alone think about getting into her pants."

"Times change Bro´" Aaron laughed loudly, "and you´re getting old and soon you’ll be a stiff corpse." He was throwing a comment like they did when they were playing not thinking what he was saying when he stopped himself abruptly,. "Fuck!" "What?" Nick didn´t seem to have any idea why his brother was using such a strong word. Aaron on the other hand knew exactly. He had joked about Nick being dead. Once again he wanted to knock himself out. He was such a looser. Just when he was about to apologize a thought hit him. How the heck had Nick managed to turn a sad moment into one big joke? It was only his brother that could pull something like that off. Suddenly he felt mad.

"Was it me or you that we were going to talk about? If this is the kind of brother to brother speech you want to have, then spare me." Aaron couldn´t help but feel like he was on an emotional rollercoaster and Nick joking around didn’t help anything. On the contrary it just made him more nervous for what news his brother was about to come clean with.

"I guess you’re right." Nick said feeling a bit guilty. He picked up a long dry blade of grass biting on it. Instantly his facial expression became more serious. "You know AC I´ve seen your face when I mention my ca....you know my sickness." He studied his little brother’s face searching for emotions.

"And ever since I find out about my disease I´ve been trying to find a way for us to talk about this, you know, but it´s kind of hard." He swallowed, "You know that I have Hodgkins Disease right?"

Aaron listened without making a move.

"They had me on radiation and chemoteraphy for a while and during this time I was as sick as a dog." Nick shivered in the hot sun.

"Are you cold?" Nick shrugged, "A bit but let me continue with this now..so anyway, I got first radiation and then chemoteraphy and it was making me sicker then a dog."

"Yeah..I know. Ma and Dad told me."

"They did? Oh..Ok.What are they saying anyway?"

"Nick!" Aaron saw the pattern of not wanting to talk. He was trying to change the subject. "Ok, Ok!" Nick held up his hands, "I know..." He thought for a moment before continued, "Anyway I got really sick and then my stomach started to hurt too and now they have found this lump, that was why I was in the hospital and had surgery yesterday."

"Yeah and the nosebleed." Aaron added quickly.

"The nosebleed?" Nick eyes darkened. "Who told you about this?"

"Rok."

"Ok..Figures," Nick shook his head with disgust. "The lump can be good but it can also be ba..bad."

Aaron nodded, not knowing what to say or what to do. A silent tear found itself out of the corner of his eye, running down his cheek. Quickly he wiped it away with the back of his hand. It was important not to let Nick see how sad he really was. Instead he had to be strong. Strong for his brother.

"Don´t," Nick took away his brother’s hand that came away wet since more tears trickled down his face. "You know it´s ok....it´s ok to cry." Swallowing hard Nick continue, "I do that too..all the time."

This statement had taken Aaron by surprise and he had to look away or he was sure that he would start bawling his eyes out. It was all getting too much and it was making him dizzy, almost sick to his stomach. In an distant he heard Nick continue.

"The doctor has decided to put me on a higher dose of chemo and I dont want to do it since I´ll be even sicker and that I don´t know if I can take it." Nick covered his face in his hands as he uttered the last words.

"You have to do it!" Aaron said firmly.

"I do..don’t know anymore." Nick shook his head. "I dont know if I can bare to be sick 24/7. All the time. You know that sucks so much."

"So it’s better to die then?" Aaron didn´t know where the words came from but suddenly out they there. With such force that he didn’t have time to stop it.

Nick looked back at him, his eyes filled with pain and grief and he spoke slowly, "No Aaron, it doesn’t have to be like that.." He didn´t have a chance to finish his sentence before Aaron interrupted him. Standing up, screaming at him.

"Why are you doing this Nick? You´re going to die if you don´t do the chemo and you know it." Tears streamed down the teen’s face, Nick watching with fright in his eyes. "Dammit Nick you have cancer! Not some kind of fucking flu that you can play around with! We all know it...you will die if you don’t get treatment!"

He paused before continuing, shaking in his whole body, "But maybe that’s what you want! To die!"

"NOOO Aaron you don´t understand." Nick was crying too. "Noo, I dont want to die but I dont want to be sick either."

"Well you better start facing the fact that you are sick and if you don’t start to cooperate you will die." The teen spat out the words like they burned. "I hate you doing this to yourself!" With that, Aaron sank down on the ground, crying, his legs not carrying him anymore. It felt like his whole world collapsed and he couldn´t take it any longer. It was all too much to cope with.

"Aaron.." Nick crawled over to him, hugging him hard "Aaron baby," he said softly "It´s ok to be scared." He stopped for a moment, whispering, "I’m scared too."

AJ bounded up the carpeted stairs, heading towards the guest bedroom he had been sharing with Kevin. He was feeling pretty light hearted on this particular afternoon. The morning’s recording session went smooth and the guys had even accepted some of his suggestions without arguing this time.

The hallway was dark and it took a moment for his eyes to adjust after coming in from the bright sunshine. The plush carpet muffled the sounds of his Nike tennis shoe clad footsteps. AJ had half expected to see Nick playing a game of Nintendo with Aaron but wasn’t totally surprised when the boy informed him that Nick had gone up to take a nap.

Walking by Nick’s door, he couldn’t help but look in since it was open. He stopped suddenly when he caught a glimpse of Nick sitting on the edge of the bed, his body hunched over. He was making painfilled gasping sounds.

“Nick?”

Nick tried his best to steady his posture as he looked up.

AJ knelt down beside Nick. “Are you hurting? What’s wrong?”

Nick could only shake his head negatively.

“Bullshit Nicky.... where does it hurt?”

As he shrugged his shoulders, Nick allowed the tears to slide down his cheeks. “I didn’t want AC to see me like this,” he apologized.

“Aaron’s downstairs watching TV, is it your stomach?”

Nick looked up at the ceiling and then squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m so sick of this,” he mumbled. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“Is is your stomach?”

“No,” he gasped.

“I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s hurting!” AJ snapped, exasperation edged in his voice.

“It’s my shoulder,” Nick winced as he whispered. “I just have to ride it out.”

“Maybe I should call your doc, she could----”

”NO!” “I’ll be fine!”

“Why do you have to be so goddamn stubborn? Let me call your doctor and ask if we need to bring you back to the hospital.”

“I don’t want to go to the hospital AJ, just let me lay down and rest. It will go away eventually. She said this was one of the pains I could get after the biopsy. I guess I’m the other fifty percent.”

“Can I get your pain medicines?”

Nick shook his head. “Won’t help. I’m on everything that they can give me.”

Reluctantly, AJ stood up, staring down at his brother. “God Nick, you’re so fuckin’ stubborn.”

“Yeah.”

AJ was quick to grab Nick’s arm as he made an attempt to stand up from the bed and Nick was willing to accept the assistance. Slowly he made his way toward the bathroom, stopping in the doorway. “I think I can do this myself.”

“It wasn’t like I was gonna hold it, Kaos, I was just gonna---”

Nick started to close the door in the tatooed man’s face and AJ was quick to place his foot between the door and the wall. “Leave it open a crack.”

A small grin tugged at Nick’s mouth. “Pervert?”

“No, just a concerned friend. I don’t want you to fall or something,” AJ mumbled, blushing. He stepped away from the door to give his friend some privacy, directing his attention toward the waterbed. Lovingly, he folded the comforter and sheets back; fluffing up the pillows.

“All I need is a mint on the pillow,” Nick joked softly as he edged his way from the bathroom. AJ started to walk over to offer assistance, but Nick brushed him away. “I’m fine.”

Wordlessly, AJ watched as Nick slowly made his way back to the bed, his steps slow and deliberate. His hunched frame indicated that the young man was in severe pain. When Nick finally sat down on the bed and tried to draw his legs up, AJ couldn’t stand it anymore and helped him into the bed after the failed attempts left his bandmate gasping in pain.

“ ‘J?”

“Yeah Kid?”

“Could you draw the blinds?”

AJ grabbed the blankets from Nick’s feeble grip and pulled them up to his chest, smoothing them out. “Yep. I’ll turn the monitor on too, just holler if you need anything.”

Nick narrowed his eyes at the device that sat on the nightstand. Normally he would have shut the device off, but the exhaustion his body felt won out and he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

“Was Nick still sleeping?” Aaron questioned when AJ sat down on the leather couch.

“He hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

“He wasn’t? He went up to his room almost an hour ago. Is he okay?”

Picking a magazine off the coffee table, AJ started thumbing the pages. “Yeah, he was laying in bed listening to the radio.”

“Oh.”

Glancing up from the pages toward the young teen, AJ couldn’t help but feel guilty about lying. He decided that he had to lie though, so in his heart he felt that it was okay. He didn’t want the kid to freak about about his brother and if lying was what he had to do to protect the boy, then so be it.

The two sat in silence, the humming of the monitor was the only sound.

“I bet Nick loves that thing being on when he’s sleeping,” Aaron mused as he glanced at the walkie-talkie aparatus that sat in the center of the coffee table.

Not bothering to look up from the magazine, AJ nodded slightly.

“Have you ever heard anything come over it from my brother?”

“No, not really, just snoring and stuff like that.”

Aaron snickered at the thought. “Nick always says he doesn’t snore. You should record it for him for proof.”

Looking up from the magazine, AJ locked eyes with the young boy. “Record it for him for proof,” he mocked.

“Well I think it’s a good idea,” Aaron defended.

Tossing the magazine on the table, AJ leaned back and rubbed his face. Aaron noticed the older man’s gestures. “Something wrong?”

“No, just thinking.”

“About Nick?”

“I’d be lying if I said no.”

The uncomfortable silence in the room hung like a dense fog; each preoccupied with their own unspoken thoughts, only Nick’s soft breathing and occasional coughs punctuated the silence.

Licking his lips as he tried to gather his courage, Aaron looked at over at AJ resting on the couch. “ ‘J can I ask you something?”

“Sure Kiddo,” he casually replied. His mouth said yes but his mind was reeling; wondering what question the boy was about to ask.

“How long have you known about Nick being sick?”

‘Okay, that’s a simple enough,’ AJ mentally decided. “Oh.. I guess a few months now. I really haven’t kept track.”

“How did Nick look to you when you saw him after you knew?”

“How did Nick look?” AJ repeated, stalling as his mind tried to think back. “I dunno, I guess he looked like Nick.”

“You know what I mean.”

AJ shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I don’t follow you.”

Aaron sighed. “You know... like when I came and saw him today he looked so different to me.”

“You mean ‘cause his hair is about gone?”

“Well yeah kinda, but there’s more than that. Nick looked so old to me.” Aaron trained his eyes to the floor; his voice was starting to betray him and he didn’t want the older man seeing the tears that were pooling in his eyes.

Rubbing his chin AJ thought. “I honestly don’t remember AC. You gotta remember that I’ve been with him all the time lately so I guess those changes don’t really jump out at me like they do for you.”

“He just doesn’t look like my brother. Sometimes he doesn’t act like himself either. He kept saying he was tired when I asked him to do stuff this morning. I even told him I would buy if he took me to get pizza and he told me to go ahead and phone an order to the house. That’s not Nick.”

“Right now Aaron he’s just too weak to drive. It takes a lot of energy just to get dressed in the morning some days, he’s told me that.”

“He has?”

AJ nodded his reply. “I’m afraid that if we weren’t here, Nick would have just been content to lay in bed all day long.”

“He kept saying he didn’t think he wanted to go through the chemo treatments anymore. It’s like he wants to die.”

“I don’t think he meant it like that.”

“You should have heard him. He sounded so tired.” Aaron paused for a moment, picking at the hem of his tee shirt. “I’m scared AJ, you don’t think he’s going to die do you?”

AJ nervously laughed the question off. “Don’t be silly, Nick’s not going to die.”

Tears welled up in the young boy’s eyes. He pointed an accusatory finger at the tattooed man, jumping to his feet. “How can you say it like that? Both you and Nick seem to think this is some kind of weird fucking game or something! You guys seriously act like he has the flu! Don’t you see how skinny he is? Can’t you see that his skin is yellow? He’s dying and no one seems to want to admit it. You guys are acting like nothing is wrong!”

“Whoa... whoa, calm down Aaron!”

“See! You’re doing it again!”

“Doing what?”

“You’re acting like this is some kind of game or something!”

“No... it’s nothing like that kid.”

Aaron stood his ground, waiting for AJ’s explaination. “Go on then, tell me what it’s about.”

“Sit down first and then I’ll tell you.”

“No thanks, I’m fine standing.”

“Jesus, you’re stubborn like your bro---”

“Quit stalling!”

“Okay.. okay. You know how Nick has been telling you about his chemo and the radiation?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, why would the doctor order more chemo and radiation if he was going to die?”

Aaron’s features softened. “I dunno.”

“See? There’s a chance that Nick is gonna beat this cancer and I’m willing to bet on it.”

Aaron’s eyes narrowed as he tried to digest the information AJ was giving him. “How do you know for sure that he’s gonna beat this?”

“Just a hunch. You know how stubborn Nick is and he never likes to be beat at anything, right?”

Aaron smiled as AJ laid out his theories about Nick. “Yeah, you’re right! He’s gonna beat this!”

“Damn straight!”

“He’s gonna kick cancer’s ass!”

“I have no doubts about it,” AJ grinned. His words were a veil to his true emotions and insecurities. He wasn’t sure if Nick could get better, but maybe if they believed it, then it could happen. “Come here and give me a hug!”

Aaron smiled and shook his head. “Nah, no thanks, I’m a little too old for that crap.”

“Handshake then?”

Reluctantly, Aaron offered a hand out to AJ. He immediately took the teen’s hand and pulled him into a bear hug, Aaron screams were muffled by AJ’s chest as he tried to free himself from the embrace.

“Ha ha, gotcha little dude!”

Their laughter and mock fighting ended abruptly when a crashing noise was heard over the monitor followed by Nick’s weak cries.

”Help me... someone help me....oh God....”

AJ bounded up the stairs, two steps at a time with Aaron closely behind him. When they entered the room, they found Nick sitting up in bed in a hunched over position, his arm placed protectively around his stomach and broken lamp laying on the floor.

When Nick heard them enter the room, he pasted a false smile on his face. “Oh...sorry....I....didn’t... mean... to---”

“Don’t bullshit Nick, what’s wrong?”

He licked his lips as he tried to steady his voice. “I musta had a bad dream.”

AJ studied Nick’s sweatsoaked face.

“AC, could you get me some water?”

Aaron didn’t move at first until AJ softly pushed the young boy’s shoulder. Once he left the room, Nick dropped his protective shield and the tears started welling up in his eyes.

“I don’t want him to see me like this,” he whispered.

“It’s alright Nick, it’s nothing you can help.”

Gasping, Nick started rocking back and forth. AJ’s eyes widened. “I need some pain meds. I want two Percocets.”

Standing in the hall with the glass, Aaron heard the conversation. Although he was scared to see his brother in pain he tried his best to put a smile on his face. “Here.”

AJ rushed back from the bathroom with the medicine cupped in the palm of his hand. Nick accepted the white tablets and then took the glass of water. His hands were shaking so violently that the water spilled from the sides of the glass until AJ reached a firm hand onto the glass and held it for Nick while he drank.

“Thanks.”

Aaron could only stand off to one side while all this was happening; scared to say anything, terrified to see his brother in that shape. He wanted to run from the room but his feet refused to move. All he could do was stand and watch the scene as if he were a spectator at a horrific accident scene.

AJ glanced back toward the young boy and noticed that the teen’s skin looked pale. “Aaron, do you need to sit down?”

Aaron swallowed hard, shaking his head. He couldn’t speak; his throat hurt with the screams he kept from escaping. What he was seeing wasn’t fair to anyone, especially to his brother. He could only stand and stare.

Nick started to moan and rock his body back and forth as he clutched his stomach. “Oh god.... god this fuckin’ hurts.”

“What can I do?”

”Help me....god.”

”NICK WHAT’S WRONG?”

”WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM? HELP HIM!”

AJ threw a hurried glance toward Aaron when he heard the young boy’s shouts. He managed to thrust an arm out as he approached the bed, trying to keep him away because he feared that Nick was sick to his stomach and was going to throw up.

”GET BACK!” he snapped.

“Jay.... help me get to the bathroom.”

Grabbing Nick under the arms, he hoisted his frame up easily from the bed. It used to be a struggle for AJ to push Nick when he would fall asleep in a chair or on a couch when they were touring, but since the cancer had ravaged his body, he had lost so much weight that he was possibly as thin as he was when he was 16.

Although the lifting wasn’t a problem, the helping Nick walk to the bathroom was as his legs kept giving out. He started to ask Aaron for help but the moment their eyes met, AJ changed his mind.

”I NEED HELP UP HERE NOW!”

Thundering footsteps where heard as help was racing up the stairs. Aaron tearfully stood and watched as Howie and Kevin rushed into the room over to aid AJ in helping Nick to the bathroom. After a couple of miscalculated steps by their brother, Kevin stepped into action and picked Nick up and carried him into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

AJ and Howie turned their attention from the closed door to the gangly teen standing alone in a corner with tearfilled eyes, wringing his hands.

Howie walked over to the boy, placing a protective arm across his shoulder. “Aaron? Are you okay?”

Aaron sniffled and shook his head. “I-I don’t know.”

“Come on, let me take you downstairs.”

Aaron shook his head. “I-I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“C’mon kiddo, let’s go downstairs and talk,” AJ suggested.

The obvious sounds of Nick’s dry heaves drifted out into the room, upsetting Aaron more.

“Why does he have to get sick all the time? I want my brother back,” Aaron sobbed.

“We do too honey,” Howie agreed.

“Let’s just go back downstairs. Kevin will take good care of Nicky. You know Nick will only worry about you if he comes out of there and sees you standing here crying, don’t you?”

Aaron looked up at the tattooed singer and shook his head affirmatively.

“Okay then, let’s go downstairs for a bit and hope that your brother gets the rest he needs.”

With fatherly tenderness, Kevin rubbed his young brother’s back in small circles as the boughts of dry heaves kept wracking his weakened body in spasms. Nick’s only sounds were the cries that would escape everytime the pains seared through his swollen abdomen.

“Sh-h-h-h.”

After twenty minutes had passed, and Nick felt that he was finished for the time being, he sheepishly asked if he could have help with a shower. “I’m a mess.”

“Don’t be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us. Are you sure you don’t want a bath instead?”

“I think I can manage a shower. I just need you to be here in case something happens.”

“Okay, well sit down and I’ll get the shower going.”

Kevin’s breath caught in his throat when Nick took his shirt off. His stomach was swollen to the size of a woman that was five months pregnant, the bandages from the biopsy incision still intact. Although his stomach was swollen, his ribs were showing through his pale yellowish tinged skin, showing more profoundly with every breath he took.

“I don’t think you’re suppose to get that wet. You better just take a sponge bath tonight.”

Nick absently placed a hand over the bandages. “Oh... this thing.....” He quickly tore the gauze and surgical tape off.

“Nick you were suppose to leave that on, what are you doing?”

He smiled wryly at Kevin’s shocked expression. “What? You think I’ll get an infection?”

“In your weakened condition, yes!”

“You worry too much,” Nick replied as he gingerly slipped off his pajama bottoms. He swayed briefly but thankfully Kevin was there to offer a firm hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Nick, there’s nothing to apologize for. C’mon, get in the tub before you freeze. I hope the water isn’t too cold.”

“It’s perfect, thanks,” Nick replied as he stepped into the tub.

As Kevin slid the glass door closed, he told Nick that he would stay outside of the room to give him some privacy. Nick graciously accepted the offer and Kevin left closing the bathroom door quietly behind him.

If there was one thing Brian Littrell had been taught it was to trust his instincts. Spending 24/7 with the guys on the road for almost ten years had taught him that whenever he sensed something was not right he would go with that feeling. His gut instincts often proved him to be right and whenever something was off with one of the band members he could sense it miles away before they were telling him. This worked especially good when it came to Nick. Today, coming back from the supermarket after picking up some groceries, his instincts instantly told him that something was wrong. The thick tension in the atmosphere combined with the deafening silence sent his nerves into overdrive the moment he stepped into the house.

"Hellooo???" He called out tentively, surprised that he didn't get a response back. "I´m baaack," he yelled once again just to be met with... silence. Frowning he carried the paper bags with groceries into the kitchen, placing them on the counter. Picking up his ears he thought he heard a muffled noise coming from the living room. It sounded like someone was crying.

Intent to find out who it was, he walked with hasty steps into the living room just to be met with a view of Aaron curled up into a ball on the sofa and Howie and AJ sitting next to him; Howie by the teen's head and AJ by his feet. They were both talking softly to him as Aaron was crying furiously, his head buried into a mountain of pillows.

The first thought that crossed Brian's mind was Nick! Something must have happened with his friend. He had to stop himself from crying out, asking what had happened, but his senses told him to stay silent. Not upsetting the boy even further. He coughed to make himself known in the room. The two older men looked up, nodding briefly at him in recognition before turning their attention back to the sobbing teen.

Brian wanted nothing more than to run up the stairs to see if everything was all right with Nick when Howie seemed to be reading his mind stated, "Kev is up with him."

"Ok." The words said everything. His cousin had a great hand with Nick and Howie's tone of voice told him that Kevin would take care of everything and that the sick man needed his privacy. He sat down on the armchair next to the sofa, running a hand over his face in a tired gesture. "What happened?"

"He got sick again." Their was no further explanation as AJ sighed heavily, "It was bad!"

No further words needed to be said. The tired, defeated expression on AJ´s face said it all. Brian nodded. What else could he do? Over the past months they had seen their friend sick more times than during their nine years together and coming from someone who had the habit of catching every germ within miles it was not a good sign.

"Nick was so sick," Aaron mumbled shakily, sobbing into the pillow. "I thought he was going to die." It was clear that the vision of seeing his brother so sick had scared the teen very much. It must have been a bad spell since Nick rarely wanted anyone to see how sick he was. Brian knew that Nick had done his best to keep his composure, pretending that he was feeling much better than he was, just so Aaron wouldn´t be scared or worried. Being the actor that he was he had succed very well up until now.

"Why? Why is he so weak?" Aaron demanded.

Brian watched as Howie stroke a strand of blonde hair away from the teen's forehead. "It's the side effects of the medication. It can make you pretty sick when you're not used to it." It was only partly true since Nick wasn't on any chemotherapy or radiation right now. He was scheduled for an appointment later on in the week, but that was another matter. It was better to tell a white lie since it wouldn´t upset the teen as much as the truth. They all knew that it was the cancer inside Nick's body that was slowly eating their friend up, from the inside and out, making him more and more tired each passing day.

"Yeah kid," AJ nodded, "It´s that chemo stuff that is making him throw up so bad." It was partly true.

"When Nick is done with the medication he will be much better. The cancer tumor will shrink and he will be fine again."

Aaron looked up, his face red-rimmed with tears, "He will?"

Brian couldn´t bare to see the young teen so sad. He knew that Aaron looked up so much to his older brother and if something happened to Nick Aaron would be devistated. "D´is right," he heard himself saying. "Once he is done with the meds he will be all better again."

"Will the cancer be all gone then?" There was a hint of hope in the boy's eyes. A hope that neither of them wanted to take away.

"Yes," Brian said with a weak smile. "Yes Aaron I hope so." He ruffled the boy's head and was expecting a smile back, instead the teen shook his head several times.

The tears streamed down the boy's face as he spoke. "But if he will be getting better, why is he getting sicker all the time?" The words were spit out fast like Aaron was afraid to ask them.

There was silence in the room. Neither of the men had any soloutions. When nothing was said Aaron continued with a choked voice, "Nick is going to die, isn´t he?"

All of the men jerked, not much but enough to be noticed. Aaron's words hurt them more than they cared to admit. He was uttering what they all carried inside their heart, fearing most of all. That their little brother wouldn't make it.

"No Nick will make it." The words came out more doubting that Brian intended it to.

"NO, NO..You´re lying!" The words were spit out like venom. Aaron stood up hastily from the sofa, surprising them all. "You're all lying to me..thinking that I'm some kind of stupid kid that understands nothing!" He was screaming loud and angry. Howie did a futile attempt to calm him down, but Aaron shook the Latino's arm away. "I'm so tired of you are all saying things..saying that my brother is going to be fine when I know..I know.." Tears were now streaming down the teen's face. "When I know that he is going to die!!"

Brian didn't know what to say. They were all silent, listening to Aaron screaming out the words like a cry for help. "No," he said a bit agitated, "No you think that I dont see...That I don´t see that he is getting weaker every day. That the cancer is killing him.." Aaron choked back a sob and Brian felt an instant need to hug him. But AJ was there before him. He could see the younger man wrapping his arms around Aaron, holding him tight like he had done last night, not wanting to let him go even if Aaron was kicking and screaming over being held down.

" Take it easy kid," AJ said repeatedly as Aaron was doing his best to get free.

"GET OFF ME!" he yelled over and over again, "Get off me or I´m fucking kicking you."

But AJ held on.

"We know that you're feeling sad. That it hurts to see your brother this sick. Believe me I know..." Howie said, the pscycologist in him speaking. Whenever someone was feeling down they turned to Howie for some advice and a good shoulder to lean upon. Nick had said at one occasion that whenever D' got tired of singing he should change his profession and become a school counselor. They had all laughed at Nick's suggestion but now Brian didn´t think that it was so far fetched. Howie was a great listener and it wasn´t for nothing they had named him sweet D'.

Aaron stopped the struggle for a bit, looking over at the Latino who continued, "You know I watched my sister getting sicker each day that passed. It hurt so much and I didn´t want to let anyone see how sad I was." Howie drew his breath back. Both Brian and AJ looked over at the Latino. Even if they had known Howie for so long he rarely told anything about himself. Caroline had been a topic that he had barely touched over the years. Instead their friend often kept it all to himself.

"Sometimes I would wake up late at night wondering what would happen to my sister..if she would die or not...you know it all happened so fast for me so I didn't have time to even understand that she was as sick as she was." There were tears forming in Howie's eyes. "But I do know that she didn't want me to take out anything in advance..you know start to mourn before something happened so I did my best not to. Instead I enjoyed every minute that I had with her."

They were all listening and Aaron had finally stopped struggling too.

"I knew that Caroline would die, there was no way of curing her disease so all we could do was to try and live the best we could. I know that many people have asked me if I felt bad for not spending more time with her but to that I have to say No. The only thing I feel really bad of is that I missed her death, but then instead I got to remember her alive and that is worth alot." He smiled although a tear trickled down his cheek. Howie let it be, not bothering to wipe away the tear at all. "So Aaron." He laid his hand on the teen's shoulder, "What I want to say to you is that Nick is getting medications and the doctors have still said that he has a chance of survival when he gets the medication. As long as we have faith that he will get well, Nick has faith too and as they say: Faith can move mountains.

Brian looked stunned at Howie. D' wasn't much of a talker but when he said something it usually made alot of sense and had them all thinking.

AJ was the first to regain his composure. "Yeah kiddo, listen to D' when it comes to stuff like this. He knows what he's talking about." There was a slight grin on the rebels face. "You know Nick is a tough cookie and he'll pull through."

"You really think so?" The glimmer of hope was back in his eyes again.

"Yes kiddo." AJ ruffled the blonde's hair. "Right guys?" He turned to the rest of them, asking or rather pleading for them to follow his line.

Howie was the first one to agree. "Yes Aaron, Nick will beat this."

"For sure?" Aaron sat down on the sofa again. The sadness slowly dimishing. Turning to Brian he aksed, "Is that true Rok?"

Surprised to be asked such a question Brian did his best to put on a smile. There was no use in upsetting this child even more. "Yes Aaron," he heard himself saying, "Yes D and Bone are right. Nick will make it." The more he said it the more he became certain that he was telling the truth. For the first time he felt hope in his heart. Nick was going to make it. For real.

Ever since Nick was a young kid he had done his best to always give one hundred percent in everything he did. There had been times when he had been so sick that he had almost fainted on stage or his throat had been so sore that he had thought he couldn't sing a note, much less a whole song. Yet he had always managed to find a way to cope with the situation and the words "The Show Most Go On," was something that he kept in mind all the time.

Today however he had broke down. He hadn´t managed to live by that rule and he had shown himself weak in front of his own brother. The image of Aaron's frightened expression haunted him like a bad nightmare. Aaron had been on the verge of a breakdown and his own heart ached when he thought of how miserable the teen had looked. He had done his best to try to act causal but the pain in his stomach had finally gotten too much and he couldn´t keep the hurt away any longer. In the corner of his eye he had witnessed how devistated Aaron had become when his body couldn´t hold down the nausea any longer and the sickness won the battle. Luckily AJ and later Kevin had been there for him and he didn´t dare to think of what the consequences would have been if they wouldn´t have been there for him.

To tell the truth the way he was feeling lately it was scaring the hell out of him and he detested the weakness and helplessness that seemed to have taken over his body. He felt defeated.

There was no way he could any longer hide the fact that a fatal disease was growing in his cells, making him feel worse every day. The secret that he had harbored for so long would soon be out in the public and part of him wished that the press conference was over with. Kevin had called management and rescheduled it to the next week. Nick just hoped that he would be in a condition to deal with it since he knew that tomorrow he would be in for another session. Dr Andersen had told him that they were going to be more agressive with the chemo, more than it had been the last time.

Tomorrow he would also find out the test results of the biopsy and he dreaded for the answer. What if it was bad? Could he take another bad result? He wasn´t so sure of it. Even though he was only 22 he sometimes felt like an 80 year old. The time since he found out about the cancer seemed years ago and at the same time it felt like yesterday. His stomach was hurting constantly and the tiredness in his bones was making it hard for him to stay up longer periods of time and it would be even worse with the treatments.

A shiver ran down his spine. The prospects of receiving more chemo and radiation treatments didn´t seem too tempting and if it wasn´t for Aaron he´d told the doctors to stop the sessions. He didn´t want to be plagued with more gruesome stuff that made him sicker than a dog. Baldheaded, throwing up, wracked with fever and chills wasn´t his idea of what a life was all about. If his future would be like that he would rather end it. Here and now.

During his darkest moments Nick had seriously thought of committing suicide. It would spare so much pain for all parts, yet he didn´t go through with it. Deep inside he wanted nothing more than to live although it hurt so much and he felt on the verge of a catastrophy all the time.

Depression was something that had often hounded him during the past years and when he had been most down the thoughts of ending his life had crossed his mind. But everytime he had felt that down one of the guys or his family and been there for him and he had managed to get himself up from the dumps. He knew that alot of people would have a hard time understanding why he could feel so down at times. After all he was a world famous celeb that could have anything that he wanted. He had fame, money, all the girls that he wanted. He was on top of his life, living the life that everyone but himself dreamed about. All he wanted was to be an ordiary man. To go to college, living a life like the most of the world did, not being a star. All those dreams were now flushed down the toilet. They were crushed down to pieces ever since he found out of the disease that were slowly destroying his body.

Loneliness was something that also plagued him. Especially during the last tour, Black and Blue, he had felt out of place. Like he didn't belong anywhere. The tour had been very strenuous both physically and mentally and all the guys had their partners, even Howie.

On all other tours they had traveled together in one tour bus, this one however the rest of the guys had wanted a bus of their own and Nick had been out voted. He loved traveling with the guys, loved sharing his life with them and now they were all locking him out. It made him feel more lonley than before. He turned more and more to drinking and partying and the more he drank the worse it got. It was like an endless evil circle, never stopping.

The guys had been drifting further and further away from each other. The invitable was happening since they wanted to live their own seperate lives. Brian was busy with Leighanne and both Kevin and AJ had their women too. Howie had many side projects such as building a hotel and Nick didn´t see where he would fit in at all. There had been some serious talk about the group splitting up, the guys going their seperate ways and even if Nick had dreaded the day he was more and more starting to realize that it was becoming a reality. Afraid that he would not be in the business anymore he started to work on his solo album and was determinded to work on his own.

But life wanted it different.

Cancer came along, ripping his plans apart. Ironically the day he told the guys about his disease was the beginning for a new start for them. It changed. The guys were becoming more focused of what was important in their lifes and they grew stronger both as individuals, but also as a group.

The album they worked on was coming along fine. The ups and downs in the band had them to mature as artists and many of the songs were written straight from the heart. Not manifactured like was the case on other albums. AJ had written a song about how he dealth with his drug abuse. The song was so strong emotionally that there were tears in Nick's eyes upon listening to it. The album was going to be a success, that he was sure of, he just hoped that he would be there to enjoy it.

"Nick?" A voice piereced through his thoughts, turning his attention to the door where his little brother hovered. For a moment his eyes met Aaron and he could tell that the teen was very nervous, biting his lip and fingering nervously on the door post.

"Hey kiddo," Nick said softly, not knowing what to say and do. Aaron seemed frightened for him and the last thing he wanted was the cancer to scare his brother away. Sitting up straighter in the bed, he patted to the seat next to him. "Here bro, come and sit down."

The boy hesitated for a moment before walking with slow steps toward the bed. He stopped to look at the bucket that had been placed next to the bed and Nick hastily pushed it away, out of sight. He blushed slightly. "Sorry."

"You..you feeling any better?" Aaron asked, licking his lips as his eyes nervously flicked around in the room. His voice was hoarse and Nick noticed that he had been crying. The face all red and blotchy.

"Yeah buddy I am."

"Mhmm.." The teen didn´t looked like he believed his older brother yet sat down on the bed in silence.

This was so out of normal when it came to Aaron. Usually the kid was like an energy ball, jumping around being as crazy as Nick had been at the same age, and still when the disease wasn´t taxing him out. Now the boy seemed very serious, almost like he was on a visit at a strangers house. "So you stopped puking then?" then he asked much more to break the silence then to make an actual conversation.

"Yeah I have." Nick knew that he wasn´t being very talkative but the sad look at his little brother's face made him at unease. He didn´t like it when Aaron was acting this gloomy and it made him feel even worse when he knew that the teen was acting this way because of him. He wanted to hug his bro, telling him that everything would turn out just fine..yet he remained motionless.

"Does your stomach still hurt?" Aaron was talking with certain hesitation, like he was afraid what Nick would say as an answer.

Calming his brother down Nick mumbled, "No..I´m fine."

"Ok."

They sat in silence for a while, brothers to brothers staring at any other place than each other. Aaron seemed very uncomfortable with Nick's presecense and it made the older man want to appologize for his own sickness. "I´m sorry."

"For what?" Aaron looked up at Nick for the first time, his eyes brimming with tears. "It´s not like you can help being sick."

He sounded so mature, yet so fragile and Nick wanted the pain to stop. The pain in watching how Aaron was slowly falling apart. It was the last thing Nick wanted and his mind thought desperately up something to say to cheer him up.

Suddenly he had an idea.

Leaning an arm around Aaron's shoulder he said, "Hey Kiddo, what do you say if we are going on a boat together tomorrow? You know you and me, sailing out on the bay."

Aarons face lit up. "You mean it?" he asked like he didnt believe what his brother was saying.

"Yeah, hell let´s go out with my beauty. Just relaxing, enjoying the sun for a while. Fishing. You know like we used to do when we were younger." Nick smiled.

"You sure you can do it?"

A bit surprised over the comment Nick answered, "Mhmm..why wouldn´t I?"

The teen's face darkened for a moment, "But..eh you know..eh..you´re sick and all."

"So?" Nick set his eyes into Aaron's who turned his attnetion away. "Uh..what if..what if you get sick?" The boy was having a hard time finding his words and this was making the older man feel even worse, mentally.

"I won´t!"

"But what if?" Aaron demanded.

"There is no ifs," Nick countered, "I wont get sick, period." He felt a bit annoyed over Aaron's reaction. Why did the kid have to bring up such things when he was offering some fun for them to do?

"Ok." There was a brief silence before Aaron continued, "But don´t you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow?"

'Fuck!' He hadn´t remembered it while presenting the idea, but there was no way that he would miss taking Aaron out for a ride. "I´ll cancel it."

Aaron looked up, suddenly fright evident in his tone. "No you can´t. What if they get mad?."

A bit surprised over the sudden outburst, Nick shook his head. "They won´t..besides screw 'em." He ginned. "I have plenty of time to go to the doctor but not enough time to spend time with you." He chuckled slightly as he tousled Aaron's hair. "You know that I love you don´t you squirt?" The laughter was gone, replaced with seriousness.

"Yeah, I know." Aaron was silent for a while before adding, "and I love you too bro." With that they hugged each other tight. Never wanting to let go.

It was quiet in the house, mainly beacuse it was still the crack of dawn and no one had stirred from their slumber yet. Not even Howie, who used to be up early, either from coming back from some party or waking up for his morning run. The dark haired man was very concerned over the way his body looked and fitness was always high on his schedule. He was also the only one in the Backstreet gang that was a morning person and this was something he had been teased about many times before.

Nick however was not. He hated waking up early and together with Kevin he was the one that slept the longest and was also hardest to wake up. Today was another matter. The red digits on clock read 5:45 and Nick was the only one that was awake in the house. He had a very restless night, both from the pain in his abdomen as well as the thoughts that haunted him in the night. Now he was clearly awake and he was ready to get dressed to go out on the boat with Aaron.

Yawning loudly, he picked up a pair of jeans and a tee from his closet. Slipping into his faded jeans he noticed that the pants were several sizes too big. They were slipping from his hips, dropping down onto the floor. He held up his pants in the waist a bit puzzled since he didn´t think that he had lost that much weight. Ever since he started the treatment programs he had stopped wearing clothes that were tight against his waist. The steroids he had been prescribed in the beginning had made his stomach swell even more than before which resulted in not wanting to wear anything that could press against his stomach. Jeans and pants were pretty much out of the question. Instead he was practically living in trainers and sweatpants.

This morning he felt a bit chilly so he needed to get something warm on. After finding a belt that he could use he put on his red tee shirt with the black dragon and then he grabbed a pair of shorts since it would get hot outside as the day passed. Trunks were out of the question since he wasn´t allowed to swim in the ocean after the biopsy due to the infection risk.

Nick sighed.

Piece by piece everything that he liked was being taken away from him. The Ocean, the water was his paradise and now he was too sick to even enjoy it. Not being able to go out with the boat and swim and dive into the sea. It sucked but Nick had no other choice than to accept it.

He shivered violently. It felt cold in the room and this had him searching for a thick sweater to put on. After finding one he ran his hand through his hair like he had done so many times before during the years. This time there wasn´t the resistance of the hair, instead his head was almost bald from the treatments he had been going through. It still hurt alot to look in the mirror and he wasn´t sure that he would ever be able to look at himself without feeling disgusted. His hair, the golden hair, had been his crown was almost gone. Even if Nick didn't spend that much time in front of the mirror he still had liked the way his hair looked, especially when it was high lighted. Now there was very little trace of the strands that had coated his head so thick and rich. With a deep sigh he tied a bandana on his head, a black one, and then put on his sneakers.

It was better to be fully dressed before going outside since any noise could stir the guys into getting up. Especially Brian who was a very light sleeper. It was quiet in the corridor and he sneaked away to the bedroom that he knew that Aaron had occupied. The kid was snoring soundly which had Nick grinning. He would have to tease his little brother since Aaron had loudly told everyone that he didn't snore. Now however he had the evidence and for a moment he wished that he had a tape recorder so he could tape the moment, save it for the afterworld to come. A stirring from Aaron's bed had Nick getting into action. Hunching down beside the bed he shook the teen on his shoulder, "Aaron..Aaron."

There were no movement whatsoever. Aaron was sawing lumber. A second time a bit louder Nick called out, "Aaron!!" Still nothing. Looking at his watch he decided that he had to take action so he shook the kid even harder, "Aaron wake up." This resulted in some stirring and then the teen rolled over to the other side of the bed, letting out a grunt and then a loud fart.

Nick burst out laughing. This was his little brother. Now he really wished he had the tape recorder set, to show Aaron's girlfriend Jasmine. When the smoke cleared in the room he shook his brother. "Get up..NOW!"

This time it resulted in some action. The kid was drunk with sleep and with closed eyes he pulled the blanket closer to his body muttering hoarsly, "What time izzit?"

"Almost six.. and you better get up now."

"Six?" Aaron sounded disoriented, "in the afternoon?"

"NOOO dumbass," Nick laughed. "In the morning of course."

"Oh.." Aaron was silent for a moment before rolling over to face Nick, "What are you doing up this time?" A cloud of worry etched on his face as he sat up quickly, "Did something happen?"

"Other than you farting and snoring..no." Nick grinned widely to his brother, then he pointed with his thumb towards a chair. "You have to get dressed so we can get going and you better hurry before anyone wakes up." He added in a hushed tone, "Hurry up..but be quiet so no one hears us."

"I do NOT fart or snore," Aaron snapped. Nick smiled. "So where are we going then? To your doctor?"

"Nooo.." Nick narrowed his eyes. God couldn´t the kid stop talking and referring to his sickness all the time? A bit annoyed he said, "We´re going out with the boat."

"The boat? Coolness" Aaron's face lit up as he was still trying to clear the fog from his brain. "Wow we´re really going then?"

"Yep."

"Awesome," Aaron grinned, then his face suddenly froze" Do the guys know that we´re going?"

"The guys?" Nick felt annoyed. "God AC I am an adult and I do whatever I feel like when I feel like it. We don't have to ask the guys permisson to do anything."

"Why do we have to be so quiet then?" Aaron asked with a grin. He knew that he was winning points when Nick annoyed slapped him on his head.

"Don´t be such a smartass!"

"Ouch man..that hurt." Aaron rubbed his sore head.

"Serves you right." Nick said throwing the clothes on the bed. "Are you coming along or not?"

"Ok..sure.." The teen said. "Give me five and I´ll be downstairs for breakfast."

"Ok." Nick walked towards the door, stopping for a moment, "and AC there is no breakfast, we´re getting some sandwiches at the harbor."

"No breakfast?" Aaron's stomach gave a loud growl. "Man I'm hungry."

"Can´t be helped, we better jet now, so come down as soon as you´re ready." With those words Nick walked out through the door. Less than five minutes later Aaron joined him downstairs.

Nick, who was doing his best to act like nothing was bothering him was feeling totally exhausted and the sad part was that was before they were even out with the boat. Pushing the unsure feelings away he decided that he would not show Aaron how bad he really felt. Instead he did his best to keep his posture so when Aaron came down the stairs, with a happy smile on his face he smiled back.

The Show Most Go On!

It was already warm outside and it was looking like it was going to be another of those hot days. Nick jumped swiftly onto his boat, Aaron however hesistated for a moment.

"Come on..what are you waiting for? Better days?" Nick urged as he started to untie the boat.

"Nick, what do you think the guys will say when they find out where we are?" Aaron asked a bit nervous.

"What they will say?" Nick repeated. "Buddy I don´t care what they say. Like I said before I think I´m mature enough to say what I want and what I don't want to..don´t you think so?"

"Yes but.." Aaron fidgeted again, "What if something happens?"

"Nothing will happend AC," Nick said with a smile. "Now are you getting into the boat or are you swimming aboard?"

Aaron jerked. "Ok..ok I´m coming." With that he jumped into the boat too.

"Great." Nick laughed and Aaron couldn´t help to think that he rarely saw Nick as happy as he was when he was on a boat. He had become a real sea lion. His brother moved down to the steering wheel and then started the boat. It wasn´t a big boat since the luxery version was still down in Marathon, just waiting to be used.

The wind wasn´t as still as it had been the day before, but it was not so windy either. Aaron sat down on the side of the boat, next to the steering section. He watched as Nick with smooth moves guided the boat out from the harbor. There was no sign of the nervous, yet reckless young man that had two years earlier steered the boat onto the reefs down in the Keys. It had caused a commotion and their dad had come to the rescue. To Nick's shock his little incident hit the tabloids and it was soon all over the world. Nick was a much secure captain these days.

As the hours passed they were enjoying themselves cruising in the Tampa bay. Soon they found a calm area to put the anchor down and they sat down and hooked up for fishing. In silence both of the brothers sat side by side, fishing, waiting for the fishes to take the bait.

"Nick?" Aaron asked when they had been quiet long enough.

"Yeah AC," Nick said with a sigh. He could tell by the way his broher sounded that there would be a question, possibly about the guys or his sickness.

He was right!

"Don´t you think that the guys will wonder where we are?" Aaron didn´t want to sound like a spoilsport but he thought that his brother was looking very tired. Even if Nick had done his best to hide it he had also spotted that he was suffering with chills and he had also seen the hunched over position that could only mean that there was pain in his brother's stomach.

"God AC can´t you stop for a moment?" Nick sneered. He didn´t mean to sound so irritated but he was tired of everyone acting like he was a baby. He was a grown man, sick nevertheless, but a grown man that had the right to do and act as he wanted to, as long as he didn´t do anything stupid. "I´m sorry," he said when he saw how sad his little brother became. "Just chill."

Aaron wasn´t satisfied with that answer. "But Nick you know that you..eh..you are.." he didnt have a chance to end the sentence before Nick interrupted him.

"That I am sick, you mean." He sighed deeply. "Yeah I know, man I know." There was something defeated in his brother's tone of voice and that made Aaron feel unsure of his own actions. Nick was right, after all. He was a grown up! It was just that the way his brother had started to look he thought that Nick was doing his best to hide how awful he was feeling. And now he feared that his stubborn brother would keel over any minute.

"I am just so sick and tired of everybody reminding me about the cancer." There were tears in Nick's eyes. "I just wish that everyone could stop bugging me..leaving me to tend to my own business and not telling me that I am sick all the time." A single tear rolled down a cheek, but Nick was fast wiping it away.

Aaron felt bad. He didn't want his brother to be sad. "Don´t cry Nicky," he said, hugging his brother around the waist.

At first Nick didn´t repay the hug, but then changed his mind, hugging his little brother back. After a while Nick let go of his brother. "Dude we better pay attention to the fish or we won´t get any dinner." He smiled, even if the smile didn´t reach his eyes. "You know bro you don´t have to worry. I left a note to the guys and I know they'll understand."

"Ok." Aaron nodded, watching as Nick turned back to the fishing again. It was end of the discussion.

Nick braced himself for the scolding that he knew would come. Even if he was 22 years old he often felt like a small kid in front of the rest of the guys, even in front of Bone who was only two years older. The guys had always had this effect on him. During sleepless nights Nick had thought about this, wondering why he felt this way and he had come to the conclusion that it had to do with that they would always see him like a little brother. No matter what he did he was always considered the Backstreet Baby.

This was no different.

The moment Nick and Aaron stepped into the house he felt that the guys wouldn't be happy with him. There was a thick uncomfortable tension in the air. Pretty much the same as it had been that time when Nick had escaped with a girl while touring and had been out partying all night. The guys, especially Kevin, had been so upset that there was no ending it. At that time Nick had thought that it was unfair since AJ had thrown a similar stunt some months before and no one had even raised an eyebrow. Maybe this was the reason why Bone could get away with drug abuse for so long, while he was scolded if he came back from a party drunk at the age of 21!

Stepping into the kitchen he was met with Howie and Kevin staring back at him. For a brief moment he was happy to see that neither AJ or Brian around and he stuttered uncomfortable, "He..hey guys."

Kevin was the first one to talk, "Where the hell have you been?"

"Didn´t you get my message?" Nick tried desperately to let his voice sound less shaky but it didn´t work very well. From the corner of his eye he could see Aaron backing away and then disappearing into the bathroom. He sighed. Now he was alone again. Not that he minded it, it was just that no matter what he said to the two elder man they wouldnt really listen to him.

"Yes, but how the hell can you just run away without telling us?" Kevin was all worked up, his face all red from anger.

Nick was starting to feel his temper rising, "What the fuck do you mean?" he snarled. "The last time I checked I was old enough to make my own descisions." Nick spat out the words. "I am so sick and tired of all of you deciding what I can and can´t do. I´m not your damn baby that you can fuck around with whenever you please." The tone came out a bit stronger than intended too, but he meant every word that he said.

"Calm down Nicky," Howie countered. "Kev isn't pissed at you, it´s just that he and me got so scared when we read your message and we were afraid that something bad might have happened."

"Nothing bad would have happened," Nick said annoyed. "Didn´t you read the note? All it said that we were out with the boat and we would be out until around dinner time." Nick drew his breath back. "So here are we now..what´s the problem?"

"Nick you´re on medication, strong meds and that is something not be taken lightly." Kevin explained with that soft voice that sometimes can be too degrading.

"Like I didn´t know that," he sneered.

Kevin ignored Nick's comment. "Your Doctor called today and can tell you that she wasn´t happy. Apparently you missed out on an important appointment when they were going to discuss further treatment for you."

Nick agitated snarled, "And how the hell do you know that? You´re not my patient advocate."

"No I´m not," Kevin sighed tiredly like all the air had suddenly gone out off him. Popped like a balloon. "But Brian is and he told me."

"So he did, did he?" Nick was making a mocking tone of his voice. He had no idea why but the exhaustion combined with the annoyance he felt was making him act nasty. He knew that the guys were just acting like this because they were concerned over him. It was just that it was all starting to get too much and he didn´t know how to handle it all anymore. "Well he had no right to say something to you about my treatments. Where the heck is he anyway?" Nick looked around the room, no Brian at all.

"He had to leave for Atlanta." Howie was the one that cut ïn for an explanation.

"He did?" The words were so unexpected that Nick didn´t know what more to say.

"Yes, Leighanne called." Kevin said quietly. It was something in his older friend's voice that had Nick picking up his attention. Something was not right, he could just feel it.

Kevin continued, "Her doctor wanted Brian to come home since she was experiencing high blood pressure and had been feeling down lately. They also found some sugar in the urine and were a bit concerned over her and the baby's well being."

"OH!" Now Nick felt like a jerk. Here he was being so preoccupied with himself that he never stopped to think that Brian was becoming a father soon and that Leighanne might need him at home. He wanted to slap himself mentally for being sucha a dumbass. All the anger he had felt previously had rinsed off him like water on a goose.

"And AJ went with him as support," Howie filled in. "He was also going to see Sarah, but then he will join us soon again. We have decided that the album is on hiatus for the time being..until things slow down with Leighanne too."

"Oh.." was all Nick could say again. Words felt too much and he felt the tears build up behind his eyes. His life was breaking down on him again. They were all leaving him, almost and now the album was on hiatus again. Aaron was going back to his family and he was going to start up chemo again. His life sucked so much that if someone had offered him a trade he would gladly have accepted. As long as that person didn´t have cancer too.

"Nick..Nick.." Kevin was calling out his name and he jerked slightly.

"What?"

"You were spacing out again. Are you ok?" He could feel a hand on his arm.

Not wanting to reveal how sad and miserable he felt he said with a fake smile plastered on his lips, "Yeah..I´m a bit tired that's all." Nick faked a yawn. "Listen I think I´m going to bed for a while," he said feeling like he couldn´t stand straight for another minute. The fatigue had washed all over him quickly and he wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep his miserable life away.

"Yes you look very tired," Kevin agreed. " You sure that you´re all right?"

"Yep." Nick moved to go up the stairs, "You don´t have to wake me up during dinner since we´ve already ate on the boat."

"Ok," the both men agreed and after a short good bye Nick went up the stairs. Intending to get some well needed rest and privacy. Once he was out of reach for anyone he almost sank down on the floor. The exhaustion that he felt had him all taxed out and he wasn´t sure how he managed to get into bed but once he was situated he closed his eyes, starting to drift off, to another restless sleep.

Nick rolled onto his side, slapping his hand out to silence the alarm clock. He stared at the red numbers and squeezed his eyes closed. The day he had been dreading the most had finally come. He wondered if he could just roll over and fall back asleep and hopefully no one would remember that he had to go to Doctor Andersen’s office and then he would just blame it on his alarm not being set right and he would have to reschedule the appointment again.

Aaron’s voice broke into his hopefilled thoughts. “Nick? Are you getting up?”

“I’m awake.”

“Can I come in?”

Drawing the blankets up to his chest, Nick cleared his throat. “Yeah, sure.”

Aaron cautiously opened the bedroom door, poking his head around the corner before he stepped into the room. “Howie said that breakfast is almost ready.”

Nick swallowed, closing his eyes. “I’m not hungry.”

“Nick... please, you gotta eat.”

“I don’t feel like getting up right now.”

“But Nick you have to eat something,” Aaron begged, tears starting to pool in his eyes.

Nick laid an arm across his eyes. “If I eat I know I’ll get sick and I really don’t feel like hovering over the toilet today.”

“You start your chemo today and I know it makes you sick so if you don’t eat today you’ll get weak.”

Nick sighed heavily. “God, why does everyone have to be so fucking concerned about the chemo?”

Aaron backed away from his brother. “I-I’m only trying to help you.”

“I’m sorry.... I know you mean well, I didn’t mean to bite your head off. I just wasn’t thinking.”

“So you’ll come down and eat breakfast?” Aaron asked hopefully.

Nick sighed as he threw his covers off. “Yeah I’ll come down and eat, Squirt. Let me get cleaned up and I’ll be down in a few, alright?”

Aaron watched his brother lift his body up from the bed in painful movements. “You need me to help you?”

Nick hesitated for a moment before shaking his head. “I’ll be fine.” He smiled at his little brother as he took a faltering step toward the bathroom. He saw the look on Aaron’s face and quickly changed his mind, stopping. “Yeah, you can help me by getting the shower started for me, it’s always hard to get that faucet turned on. I can’t believe how hard it is to turn some days.”

Aaron quickly darted past his brother into the bathroom adjusting the temperature. As he turned around, he noticed that Nick hadn’t moved too far from his original spot. He couldn’t help but see the pained expression on Nick’s face. “Are you okay Nick? Do you need me to get Kevin?”

“Maybe I can skip the shower for now.”

Aaron rushed into the bathroom and turned the water off.

“I’ll brush my teeth though, I don’t want to gross everyone out with my breath.”

“Okay, here, take my arm, I’ll help you into the bathroom.” Silently, Aaron helped Nick as he leaned heavily onto his arm. Once they reached the bathroom, he helped by getting the toothbrush and once Nick was at the basin, he darted across the hall to the linen closet and hurried back with a soft, deep green hand towel and wash cloth.

Aaron gasped when he saw the bloodied foam in the bottom of the sink.

“Don’t worry Aaron, it’s normal for me now.”

Startled, Aaron didn’t know what to say back. “Oh.”

Sighing, Nick mumbled, “That’s the benefits of cancer.”

“Hey, is everything okay in there? Breakfast is ready!”

“Good grief Kevin, can’t a guy have some privacy?”

“I was just a little worried when Aaron didn’t come down with you.”

“I’m fine, and he was helping me,” Nick muttered as quickly lathered his hands up to wash his face.

“Well I wanted to let you guys know that breakfast is ready.”

“Do you wanna come in the bathroom and hold my dick for me now?”

“NICK!” Aaron giggled.

“Nick, that really isn’t appropriate to say in front of your brother,” Kevin scolded.

“Oh, it’s okay Kevin, I’ve heard Nick say worse things than that before.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m getting sick and tired of you checking up on me every ten minutes to see if I’m alive and breathing,” Nick explained.

“I’m sorry too, it’s just that I do worry about you and I know how you are about things and will no doubt be trying to get out of this appointment today.”

Nick rolled his eyes at Kevin. “Like that will happen.”

“Exactly, so let’s get this breakfast done and overwith.”

“Yeah, I’m starving,” Aaron piped up.

“You can take your time guys, cause I’m going alone to the doctors today,” Nick announced as he entered the kitchen.

“You can’t Nick, I want to go with you,” Aaron begged.

“Aaron, I think it would be best if you stayed back with me, Kevin can go with Nick,” Howie suggested.

“He’s my brother, I should be able to go,” Aaron protested.

“I’m not an invalid, I can drive myself to the doctor’s office.”

“You’re too weak to get into bed on good days,” Kevin pointed out. “I’ll drive you there.”

“God, why can’t you just let me do this myself?”

“Nick, he’s right, I had to help you into the bathroom this morning, you need someone to drive you.”

Just as Nick opened his mouth to protest, the telephone rang. Since he was standing next to the phone, he quickly lifted the receiver. “Hello?”

“Hello... Nick? What are you doing answering the phone?”

“Because I live here?”

“You sound so tired baby, are you feeling okay?”

Gritting his teeth, Nick sighed. He was so sick and tired of people asking him how he was feeling. “I’m feeling fine.”

“Okay, that’s good. How’s Aaron doing? Is he staying out of trouble?”

“Aaron is good. He’s been a big help around here for me.”

“Oh, thank god, I was wondering if he would be getting in your way.”

“Nope, he’s been doing good. We went out on the boat yesterday.”

“Nickolas, you shouldn’t be doing that, you could get hurt.”

“Hurt? I’m not fragile Mom.”

“Well you know what I mean....”

“It’s called cancer Ma.”

“Nick why do you have to say it like that?”

“Because that’s what it is Mom.”

“Have you heard about the results from that test you had when Aaron showed up on your doorstep this week?”

“Who told you about that.... oh shit, Aaron.”

“Nickolas!”

“Sorry Mom, but he really needs to keep his trap shut and not tell you stuff.”

“God only knows that’s the only way I’m going to find out about how you are, you don’t call me and tell me these things.”

“It’s kinda hard to do that.”

“I know it is, but Nick we want to help you baby, you know that, don’t you?”

“I know.”

“When do you find out then or have you?”

“I’m suppose to go see the doctor today.”

“Will you call me when you get back?”

Nick fingered the telephone cord as he stalled for the answer to Jane’s question.

“Nick? Will you call me when you get back from the doctors and tell me how the test results were?”

“Yeah.”

“You know I can ask Aaron if you don’t do it.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“I love you Nick.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

Nick sat in the chair opposite of Dr. Andersen’s desk. Despite his protests, Kevin drove him to the hospital leaving Aaron behind, sulking.

Today was the day he was dreading, fearing the worst. He tried to keep his thoughts positive but the searing pains he had been experiencing more after the biopsy made him think that the test was positive and the cancer was attacking his liver with fiercefulness, causing the pain.

He heard the sound of his chart being pulled from the plastic case that hung on the outside of the door and Nick quickly braced himself for Dr. Andersen’s entrance. He pasted a fake smile on his pale face as the tiny woman entered the room.

“Good morning Dr. Andersen.” His hopes for a happy face were quickly dashed when the woman returned his smile with a tight nod.

“Good morning Nickolas.”

He watched as she took her seat behind the large desk, opening his chart and shifting through the papers. “I missed you yesterday. How come you skipped your appointment with me?”

Nick shifted his legs back and forth as he sat, afraid to make eye contact with the woman.

“Um, I was out with my brother.”

“Brian told me you went out on your boat with your young brother.”

“Brian needs to mind his own business,” Nick mumbled.

“Brian is only concerned about you and when you do something like that, I think you should be concerned too, especially your poor brother.”

“Nothing happened. We had a good day together,” Nick protested.

Dr. Andersen turned her attention back to the papers in Nick’s chart. “I have some of the results from your biopsy, but I’m afraid they didn’t send everything back to me. I’m going to have to call and get this faxed. In the meantime, I suggest you come with me to the treatment room, we need to start you on chemo.”

“Couldn’t this wait until you get the results faxed?”

“Absolutely not. We can’t keep putting this off. We need to be agressive.”

“But you need to find the results to the biopsy though.”

“My assistant will page me when the results are faxed. I’m going to have Diane take you down to have your blood drawn and then I’ll be there for your chemo therapy in a few minutes.” The doctor punched some numbers on the phone and asked her nurse to come into the room.

“Yes Dr. Andersen?”

“Diane, please take Mr. Carter down to the lab for blood work, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Come on with me, I’m sure you know the way.”

“Yeah, unfortunately, I know the way.”

Dr. Andersen sighed as she removed her glasses. She loved her job but she also hated her job in the same way. Nick reminded her so much of her own son that she almost felt as if she was his mother. All the pain that Nick was trying to hide, the doctor could see and it hurt her to know that there was nothing she could do with all of her medical knowledge to stop the suffering.

“Here you go Nick, this chair is the best seat in the house.”

“Yippee for me,” Nick replied with as little enthusasiam as he could manage.

“Do you want your driver to come and sit with you while you get your IV?”

“He can wait in the lobby, he’s fine out there.”

“Okay, here’s the remote, Marian will be here in a few minutes to start your IV.”

“Thanks.”

Turning on the television, Nick stared at the screen. The antiseptic smells of the hospital was making his stomach churn. He wanted to jump out of the recliner and run as fast as he could to the exit and leave this nightmare behind him.

“Hi Nick, I’m going to draw some blood before I start your IV. You didn’t put your gown on.”

“I’d like to skip that if I can.”

The nurse tossed the blue and white gown at her patient, grinning. “You know the rules, c’mon don’t make me get rough with you. Take your shirt off.”

“I should charge for this,” he quipped.

The woman helped Nick with his shirt and then held the gown open for him to slip his arms through the sleeves. She undid the snaps on the side where his port was and quickly swabbed the area with rubbing alcohol and slipped a syringe in and drew the lab specimen. “There, now let’s get that IV going.”

Nick swallowed nervously as she started the IV pump and got the rate adjusted.

“Holler if you need anything, okay?”

After a few minutes of watching the liquid drip down the tubing into the port, Nick directed his attention toward the television, trying to block out the fact that he was getting chemo again.

“Nick, how are you doing?”

He jerked when he heard Dr. Andersen’s voice.

“Oh, um, just having a ball ya know.”

“I have the results of your biopsy. Do you want to wait until the IV is finished?”

Swallowing hard, Nick shook his head. “No.... just go ahead and tell me now.”

Nick drew his breath in as he waited for the doctor’s response, watching her look down at the paper in her hand. She looked up at him and their eyes locked for a moment.

“The tumor tested positive for cancer.”

Nick jerked when he felt someone touching his shoulder, rubbing it in small, soft circles.

“Nickolas..... Nick?”

He snapped out of his trance, realizing that he was crying and quickly wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“Did you hear what I just told you?”

“Yes.”

“I will consult with the surgeons and get this scheduled to take care of immediately.

Nick’s head jerked up and he looked at the doctor’s face, narrowing his eyes. “Why?”

Dr. Andersen placed her hands ontop of Nick’s hands that he had folded in his lap. “I didn’t think you heard me correctly. I said the tumor was cancer but it is an operapable tumor and I think we may be able to get all of it. I’ve stopped the chemo and I need you to rest and get your strength back up before we do the surgery.”

“I-I saw you turn the IV pump off, but I figured you did it because there’s nothing more that can be done for me.”

“Awww, honey, there is plenty that still can be done for you. You can fight this and not give up, there’s still hope and I’m counting on you to do this.”

“But surgery?”

“I know it sounds drastic, but Nick, the luck is on your side with this tumor. It’s in a good spot and it can be operated on and removed. I’m thinking we’ve got time on your side and we found this in the early stages of development. When the tumor goes away, most of your stomach pain will diminish.”

“How long will I be in the hospital?”

“I’m thinking maybe five to six days, but the time can be more or less, it all depends on how well you take care of yourself before surgery. That means you have to get plenty of rest and you need to eat too.”

“The resting part won’t be a problem.”

“I’m serious about the eating too Nick. You need to build up your strength.”

“I just don’t have any appetite and the stomach aches make it hard to want to put anything down.”

“I’ll give you an appetite stimulant for that as well as steriods. I’d like to see you put on some healthy weight, you’ll need it.” The doctor pulled a sheet of paper from a file. “Here is a list of some of the things you need to eat. Lots of red meats and carbs. You need to build up your muscle and bone mass.”

Nick looked at the list that was handed to him. “I still think it’s funny that anyone would want me to eat.”

“Your life depends on this. If you don’t gain weight you will end up getting a feeding tube and that isn’t anything to take lightly.”

“I won’t let that happen to me.”

“Good, there’s the stubborn guy I’ve come to know these past months! I can write the orders to have you admitted today and get this started.”

“Today!? No, I can’t do that, my brother is here and I’ve got to do that interview and stuff, it wouldn’t be possible.”

“Nick, you can’t keep running away from this. A malignant tumor is serious.

“I know it’s serious, but can’t I just have a few more days?”

“Nick, a few more days with you turns into a few more weeks. This is really serious and this cancer can spread through your digestive system or other places if we put this off too long. You don’t want that to happen.”

Nick sighed. He knew that this tumor was serious, but the thought of surgery scared him and he was also afraid that something worse would happen.

“Now, you go home and do what you’re suppose to do and I will have my assistant call you for the time the surgery is scheduled, okay?”

“Yes Dr. Andersen.”

Drawing a shaky breath, Nick walked out of the doctor’s office toward the lobby where Kevin was waiting for him. He was silently praying that Kevin would forget that this appointment was to find out the results of the liver biopsy. He knew he was wishing for a miracle, but sometimes Kevin would be forgetful.

“You’re done already? I thought you were going to start your chemo?”

Nick lowered his head, avoiding eye contact. “Nope, let’s go home, I’m tired.”

“Do you want me to bring the car up to the door?”

“No, I think I can walk.”

“Are you sure?”

Nick stopped suddenly and Kevin walked a few steps further before he turned around. “God, I’m not helpless.....yet.”

“Nick?”

“Let’s just get the fuck out of here, okay?”

The drive home was in complete silence. Kevin had so many things he wanted to ask Nick. He could see that something was upsetting him. His mind went back to when he walked in with Nick for his appointment. He started to open his mouth to ask about the chemo session but when he looked over only to find Nick fast asleep in the passenger seat.

A lump formed in his throat at the sight. Nick’s face was pale and his skin was blotchy. The cancer had forced him to wear a bandanna or a ball cap whenever he went outside and a sweatshirt was now a constant companion to fend off chills. This was not the kid he knew and grew up with these past ten or so years. This was someone that looked so vulnerable and unable to do the things that a twenty-two year old man desired.

They were only a few blocks from the house when Nick’s cell phone started ringing. Kevin wished he could stop the phone from ringing but Nick woke up and flipped the phone open.

“Yeah?”

Although Kevin could only listen to Nick’s half of the conversation, he could tell that whatever Nick was talking to was definately over something that he didn’t like talking about.

“Tomorrow.....okay.......at 6?... So soon?......I was hoping it could wait a few more days......no I will.....yes.....goodbye.” Nick slammed his phone closed and threw it onto the dashboard.

“Whoa...something wrong?”

Nick turned his head to look out the window so that Kevin wouldn’t see the tears that were threatening to spill. “Just take me home Kev.”

As the car turned the corner to Nick’s house, both men noticed that the front lawn across the street and lined up and down the road was media from several stations.

“Unbelieveable,” Kevin muttered as he guided the car down the paved street. Nick’s only response was to slid down further in his seat and to hide his face.

“Why are they out here,” Nick moaned.

“I don’t know, it’s really strange.”

“Just get me out of this and to the house please!” Nick tearfully begged.

“I’m doing the best I can,” Kevin replied, honking the car horn. “Dammit, just keep low Nick.”

“What’s wrong?”

“People are blocking the entrance,” Kevin stated through gritted teeth as he sounded the horn again. “God, they won’t move.”

”Just run them over! Get me outta here!”

“I can’t just plow into them....”

“Yes you can, DO IT!”

Kevin gripped the steering wheel thightly. “Hold on.”

Miraculously, the crowd parted when they realized that Kevin would drive over them if they didn’t move. Speeding up the driveway, he slammed on the brakes when he realized that the entrance to the garage was blocked. “Fuck.”

“Did we make it through?”

“Yeah, but you’re gonna have to walk to the house, the garage is blocked.”

Nick tugged at the bandanna that covered his scalp. “I wish I had my ball cap.”

Kevin glanced toward the backseat, reached over with his right arm. “You’re in luck, AJ must have left this one.”

Grateful to have something covering the bandanna, Nick put the NY Yankees baseball cap on, lowering the bill over his forehead. “How do I look?”

Despite the nervousness of the situation, Kevin managed a slight grin. “Like a white gang member that ain’t bad enough for the gang.”

“Ha, funny.”

“Wait until I get to your side of the car and then we can go,” Kevin suggested.

“That looks too obvious, I’ll just get out of the car at the same time, okay?”

“Okay, on three..... one, two....”

”HEY NICK! CAN WE ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS?”

”NICK IS IT TRUE THAT YOU WERE AT ST. MARY’S?”

Nick felt his heart sink as he heard the questions that were being shouted. His steps slowed but Kevin was right behind him, pushing him on gently in the back.

“C’mon, we’re almost there.”

Just when he thought he would be safe when the front door opened, Nick was met by Aaron, his face wet with tears. “Is it true Nick?”

Kevin quickly wrapped an arm around the young teenager. “Aaron, what’s wrong?”

Aaron shrugged Kevin’s arm off his shoulder. “Nick, tell me, is it true?”

Nick looked down at his little brother, confusion etched in his face. “What are you talking about AC?”

Nick stood in the door way, staring down at Aaron, his mouth agape. It was almost as if time had stood still. His mind was reeling.

“Is it true about the cancer?”

“AC, what are you talkin’ about?”

“Don’t lie to me Nick, I just want to hear you tell me.”

“Aaron, Nick needs to lay down, maybe you can talk to him later,” Kevin said softly as he tired to guide Nick into the house. They were only able to manage roughly two steps before Aaron stood between them, a determined look on his tear stained face.

“Aaron, let Nick into the house.”

“Nick, you promised me you weren’t going to die.”

Kevin gasped as the words were spat by the teenager. He quickly issued a reprimand. ”Aaron!”

Nick sighed. “It’s alright Kev. Let me into the living room and I’ll talk to you about this.”

“You should rest Nick---”

Nick shook his head, cutting Kevin off. “No, my brother deserves an explanation!”

Slowly the threesome made their way into the living room with Nick’s dogs bounding in, yapping. Nick eased his body onto the couch, placing a hand protectively across his stomach. Aaron could see his brother’s distress and saw Nick wince when he sat down.

Nick drew a breath in as he studied his brother’s face. “How did you hear about this?”

“A reporter came up to the front door and started asking me questions about you and then she said that you have liver cancer,” Aaron mumbled his explanation, wiping his eyes as he spoke.

“Dammit,” Nick muttered. “How the hell did they hear about this?”

Aaron shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know...... Nick they know about the chemo too. They know about the Hodgeskins too.”

Nick started rocking his body back and forth. “Shit...shit.... shit!”

“It was a matter of time before someone saw you Nick,” Kevin pointed out quietly.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t for anyone to tell but me. How could they do this to me?”

“This isn’t fair,” Aaron cried. “I don’t want to lose you!”

Nick held his arms open. “Come here buddy.”

Aaron walked up to him and gently laid his body into his brother’s open arms, sobbing.

“AC, Dr. Andersen said she thinks they can get this cancer out of my liver but it’s not gonna be easy.”

Aaron continued to sob as Nick stroked the boy’s hair.

“Aaron, did you hear what I just said?”

Aaron kept his face buried in Nick’s chest. “What?”

“I said that the doctor said she can get this cancer out of my liver but it’s going to be rough on me.”

“You’re gonna do it though, right?”

“Yes.”

“What are they going to do to you?”

“I have to have surgery and then I will be doing mega chemo treatments.”

“I’ll be with you through this, I’m not gonna leave you, you know that don’t you?”

Nick squeezed his brother’s body as tight as he could manage. “Thanks.”

“Nick... that call you took in the car, was that about the surgery?” Kevin questioned.

Nick rubbed his face. “Yeah, I gotta be there tomorrow morning at six...... I’m gonna go up and take a nap, okay.”

Howie, who had been sitting quietly in the corner, listening with teary eyes to Nick’s explanation finally spoke. “Let me help you up.”

Nick’s eyes met Howie’s dark, caring eyes. “If it’s okay, I want Aaron to help me.”

“Lee.... you aren’t suppose to be doing that, go back and lay down,” Brian said with quiet authority as he took the dust rag and furniture polish from her hands.

“It’s just light dusting, besides, I’m going crazy just laying in bed all day.”

“But that is what you’re suppose to do sweetheart.”

Leighanne sighed as she watched her husband place the items onto the coffee table. “I’m laying in bed getting fatter as the day passes.”

“You’re not fat.”

“I can’t even see my feet!”

“You’re not suppose to see your feet.”

“Brian Littrell, don’t tease me, I know I look all bloated and hideous!”

“You look beautiful,” Brian grinned. He patted his stomach for emphasis as he spoke the next sentence, “I’m the one that’s starting to look bloated and hideous, I’ve gained weight since we became pregnant.”

Leighanne smiled at her husband. “Well, we will look like a happy, chubby couple when this baby finally comes. If it ever gets out of me!”

Brian kissed her on the cheek. “I know you’re stalling, sweetie, come on, let me take you back to bed.”

“Can’t I just lay on the couch?”

“Absolutely not... if you mind like a good girl, maybe later today I’ll let you eat dinner in the living room.”

“Oh, you’re too kind Mr. Littrell.”

“Sarcasim noted,” Brian grinned as he turned the bed down.

Leighanne huffed as she struggled to get into the bed. “This is getting way too hard for me to do.”

“Which is why you should stay in bed. Do you want the television on?”

“Yes, I think I’d like channel 26, my soap is on.”

Brian shook his head, grinning. ”You and your soaps.”

“There’s nothing wrong with soap operas. You should watch it with me.”

“I got stuff to do...”

“Awww, come on, pleeeeeasse?”

Brian walked over to the opposite side of the bed and laid down ontop of the comforter, adjusting a pillow behind his head. “Okay, I’ll watch for a few minutes to satisfy you, but I’m warning you, be kind to me if I fall asleep.”

“You won’t fall asleep, you’ll be hooked, I guarentee it.”

Brian rolled his eyes. ”Marsha... Marsha.... oh I love you and you are going to have Jack’s baby not mine, but I’ll still love you anyway,” he mocked using a feminine voice.

Leighanne elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

“Hey!”

“Shhh...watch okay?”

Brian was patient and watched the show, his body was there but his mind was someplace else. “I really should finish the baby’s room.”

“Bri, it’s finished, there’s nothing more to do in there.”

“He’s gonna need more stuffed animals, it looks bare.”

“Brian, there is no more space to put anything else in there, we’ll loose him in what’s in there now for pete sake.”

"I know, but I want him to have so much, I want to be able to give him everything."

"I know you do. Hey, the commercial's over, shhhh, watch!"

Brian rolled his eyes as Leighanne turned the volume up on the TV. To his relief when the program started again, the telephone started ringing.

"Ah-ha! Saved by the bell, thank you Lord!" Jumping quickly off the bed, he called out over his shoulder, "I'll take it in the guest room, I don't want to disturb your show."

"I know better than that! You're just looking for a way out!"

"Never my love!"

Smirking, as he lifted the receiver, Brian shook his head. "Hello?"

"Mr. Littrell, I'm Trent Gillford, Capstar News. I'm sorry to bother you at home, but I wanted to confirm some news about Nick Carter and the liver cancer. I knew you'd be able to---"

"How did you get this number?"

"Wouldn't you like to hear what I have to ask? It's very important---"

"Liver cancer?"

"Haven't you heard about it yet? He was just at the hospital this morning. It's going to be breaking news on Mtv in a few hours. I thought you knew about it being his close friend."

"I-I don't know what you're talking about." Stunned, Brian hung the phone up, missing the cradle a few times as he lowered the phone.

He slowly sat down on the edge of the guest room's bed, his mind clouded in thought. At first he consoled himself with the thoughts that if Nick were truely that sick and the liver biopsy came back as cancer, he would have called him as soon as he found out but as soon as the one thought entered his mind, another thought raced through it:

Maybe it was positive for cancer and Nick didn't tell him because he was trying to protect him because of what was going on in his own life with Leighanne and the baby.

Grabbing the phone, he quickly punched the numbers to Nick's house, praying with each ring the sounded. He privately hoped that anyone besides Nick answered the telephone. His heart caught in his throat when Aaron answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Aaron? This is Brian."

"Brian.... are you okay? Is everything okay with Lee? You sound funny."

Running a hand through his hair, Brian tried to calm his voice. "We're all fine... is Nick around?"

"He's sleeping."

"Oh. How's he doing?"

"He's doing okay I guess, but he's gotta rest since he has to be at the hospital tomorrow for his surgery."

Brian's heart sank. 'God, it must be true.'

"Brian.... are you still there?"

Aaron's voice shook the older man from his thoughts. "Um, oh sorry, I was distracted. So it's tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, Nick told me that it was going to be rough on him, but he was gonna do it and go through the harder chemo stuff."

Brian's throat ached from the tears he was holding back. Swallowing hard, he whispered, "Tell Nick I called and ask him if he could call me back when he wakes up, okay?"

"I will....Brian? Are you okay?"

"I have to go....Lee needs me, bye."

Brian hung the phone up before Aaron could reply. He let the tears flow down his cheeks unchecked, oblivious to the world around him, deep in his own thoughts and memories of his best friend.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Wiping his eyes quickly, Brian looked up at his wife. "Nick's biopsy was postive for cancer."

Leighanne stared at her husband's drawn, pale face. "Oh my god."

Closing the door behind him, Kevin let out a long breath of relief. It was like he´d been holding all the air pent up inside of him and as soon as he was alone he was being able to relax again. The whole day had been one hell of a ride. A true nightmare. Not for all the money in the world he wanted to re-live it again. It had hurt too much.

The yard outside the gates were surrounded by nosy reporters and they had all asked him the same question: Will Nick survive? Calmly he had over and over again reassured them that the young man would be fine, although he more and more doubted his words each time he uttered the phrase. Who was he to say something like that? If it was up to him Nick would be nursed back to health in no time...there was no doubt about it.

He had done endless interviews and he was actually grateful that the press conference they had scheduled last week had been called off. This whole circus would be too taxing for his friend and it was better that he was in the house resting for the upcoming surgery. He knew that Nick would have wanted to be out there, meeting the crowd, reassuring them with his smile that he was all right and that he was going to survive, but this was not the case. Instead he was too weak to even move and Kevin had seen the tears in his eyes when he had told Aaron about the surgery.

The one thing that they didn´t want happening was coming closer each day and they had to start facing the facts. Nick was really sick and he wouldn´t get better as long as he didn´t get the proper treatment. And the treatment meant nothing but more pain and suffering.

Kevin shivered despite the warmth in the room.

The day had been just as crazy as it had when AJ announced that he was going into rehab. Maybe even more. Everybody, the press and fans had wanted the latest scoop of the story and he knew that the news about Nick’s disease was stirring up alot of people. Fans all over the world, were upset, devestated over the news and Aaron had reported that the message boards were swamped with people talking about the terrible news.

Even though Kevin had known about the disease for some time now he could barely utter the name. The word cancer sounded too final, like a old man waiting for his deathbed. But this time the victim wasn´t old. It was a 23 year old in the prime of his life. Everytime Kevin saw Nick he was reminded about the reality and he got more and more scared when he saw how fast his friend was crumbling into nothing. It also scared him how fast a life could change and what the result would be in the end.

The press had found out about it before they had a chance to have the press conference and there were mixed feelings regarding this. A strange sort of relief had washed over him. Now they didn´t have to to hide the dark secret any longer and could be truthful to the fans. Once management had got wind of what was going on with the press they wanted to gather the men up to have a meeting, just like when they had announced about AJ´s drug abuse.

But Kevin had steered it off, saying that Nick was in no shape to deal with something like that, besides both AJ and Brian were out of town. To his surprise management didn’t press and the way seem to be accepting the facts had him scared.

The reason behind this sudden take was something that Kevin was wondering about. Did it have to do with them caring for Nick or was it that they saw that the group and the incident was getting enough publicity as it was? Maybe they thought that a news like this would cause the group to get even more symphathy and in that turn it would show on the record sales? Kevin knew he was being sarcastic, but spending ten years in the business had him being suspicious to every move that the management did. Early he had found out that no one ever did anything without wanting something in return. It had been a hard lesson, but nessesary and Kevin like the rest of the men had developed a hard time trusting people.

When it came to management he knew one thing. Being let off an obligation wasn´t something that they took lightly. Resting was something that you were just allow to do only when you were buried, six feet under the ground!

His thoughts drifted back to the riot that was still outside, where reporters from all kinds of channels and newspapers were camped out, waiting for the latest in the ‘Nick incident’. Like there would be any? Kevin, once again, being the spokesman for the group had told them that he would inform them how the surgery went. He had also asked them to be gentle with the news since he knew that many of Nick’s fans were young and would be devistated if something like this came out the wrong way. To his surprised the press had obliged. The news hungry eyes that Kevin often had seen in the reporter’s faces was not as devlish as they used to be. It was like when the wolves got a hint of what was wrong they were not after their game any longer. Instead, they had actually shown some kind of sympathy and many had been shocked. Cancer, or more precisely Hodgkins Disease, was not something that they had expected.

Alcholol, drug abuse, even an eating disorder; Yes.

Cancer; No.

Letting his thoughts drift back to his little brother he shivered again. Signs of sickness were there, getting more clearly each day. The sunken face combined with the bloated stomach told him that something was seriously wrong. The attacks of fatigue that seemed to sweep over Nick ever so often were also signs that reminded him of the past. The past with his own father.

'Stop it,' he yelled to himself mentally. 'It won´t do you any good thinking these negative thoughts!' He was a realist, a person that was down to Earth and never was fooled by anything. The business had shaped him out to be this and in turn he had become more and more negative. It was better to think the worst before hoping for something good. Howie, the band’s most positive person, had caught him thinking like this and he had pushed on a program of mental Yoga in his hands. At first Kevin had dismissed this as genuine and sheer crap but then he had tried it. And to his surprise found out that it worked.

The yoga was also an excuse for him not to think back in time. To forget the painful memories when his dad had so brutally left him stranded. But now with Nick sick, reality had started to catch up with him and he had to face his demons. Whether he liked it or not!

"How did it go with the reporters?"

Howie’s soft voice startled him and he looked up to see the Latino coming down the stairs. He was holding a tray in his hands and Kevin frowned over the untouched dinner. Not answering the question he asked, "He didn´t eat?"

Howie shook his head, "No." There was sadness in his otherwise so happy eyes and Kevin didn´t want to push on to ask more about Nick’s condition. Mainly because he didn´t know if he could bare the truth.

"What did they say?"

Jerked back to reality again Kevin frowned, "Who?"

"The reporters. The press."

The older man shrugged. What could he say? Talking about the disease hadn´t been easy but he had as always put up a professional front, even though he had to swallow hard to keep from bursting out crying.

"Did they want to talk to the rest of us too?"

"Oh I don´t know." Suddenly Kevin felt like he had aged hundreds of years and it was like all the energy had drained out of him. Not wanting to talk about the day anymore he brushed past the younger man, hoping that he would catch his drift and stop with the questioning. It was taxing him out too much, leaving him burned out. Emotionally.

He could feel Howie’s eyes in his back as he walked into the kitchen. Opening the refridgerator he scanned over the shelves, searching for something edible. It was more an act out of escape than out of hunger. Pretending to be busy, he was hoping that Howie would get off his case and leave him alone. It was not a mature thing to do but he needed his own privacy, needed to sort out his thoughts.

The walls were closing in on him and the more he tried to push back the situation the more it was threatening to strangle him. Suffocate him like a snare wrapped around his neck. Dealing with his father’s sickness and Nick’s was making the snare becoming tighter and he had to stop before he couldn´t breathe any longer.

He could feel a gentle hand on his shoulder, squeezing it hard. "Are you ok?" There was genuine concern in his friend’s voice and he felt bad for brushing him off.

"Mmmm.." He stared into the refridgerator even closer and almost like in slow motion pulled out a plate with left overs from yesterday. Chinese! It was Nick’s portion and like always practically untouched since the young man was not eating much these days.

This was so different from the past when Kevin had threatned to put a lock on the refridgerator if Nick didn´t stop snacking. The blonde had ignored him, continuing eating and Kevin had gotten pretty upset. But if he had known that a year later Nick would be all skin and bones he would have let him eat. Eat for all it was worth.

Guilt washed over him when he thought about how mean he had been to Nick over the past years. It wasn´t out of being evil, but the blonde had a way of ticking him off and he had called Nick bad names several times, not caring how the kid had felt. His thoughts were once again interrupted by Howie’s calm voice. "I asked you what the reporters asked you about but you were spacing out, man."

"Wha..ok." Kevin looked up again from his hideout place. He stuck a piece of fried shrimp into his mouth. "Well they said nothing important..you know asking about this and that." He straightened up and balancing the dish and a Heinecken on his right hand he shut the door with his left and then walked over to sit down by the kitchen table. Howie followed his moves in silence.

"No I don´t," he said slowly, "you gotta fill me in."

Kevin cussed silently. 'Dammit didn´t D' ever take a hint?' He was becoming more and more like Nick each day. Like a dog in a leash. Ironically Howie had got on his nerves by acting like Nick.

"Not now, later." Kevin dismissed his friend by putting the fork into his mouth and the absently scanning through the morning paper. Howie said nothing, but he did nothing to get up to leave the room. When the silence had been too uncomfortable he asked, "Is Nick still resting?"

Howie nodded.

"And Aaron?"

"Up in Nick’s room, playing video games."

"Ok." Looking up he saw Howie sitting opposite him, licking his lips like was about to say something difficult. He waited, knowing what would come next...and true to his words it came...

"Listen Kev, if there is something that is bugging you, I´m here for you."

"Mmmphfff," Kevin responded gruffly with his mouth full of chicken. He chewed slowly, swallowing down the last piece before continuing. "Don´t you worry, there is nothing wrong with me." He was lying himself blue, but there was no way he would spill his guts. The wound was too fresh.

" ou sure?" Howie was doubting his words which didn´t come like a surprise to him. Sweet D' had ruled out to be the band’s psychologist and they all came to him with their troubles and worries. Usually Howie just listened and asked questions and before they knew it their own problems had been solved. Nick had claimed that when Howie got old he should start his own practice as a counsellor since he was so good at taking in other people’s perspectives.

There had been times when Kevin had asked Howie for advice, but today was not such a time. Today all he wanted was to be left alone.

"Yes D' it´s nothing, I said so didn´t I?" There was a hint of irritation in the dark man’s voice. Noticing how harsh he sounded he added softly, "Sorry D'"

Howie said nothing, but his eyes revealed the concern that he felt for his friend. Not wanting to add more to the situation Kevin turned back his attention to the plate in front of him. It wasn´t the tastiest food that he had ever eaten. Nick had a strange taste when it came to food and mixing fried shrimps, sweet and sour chicken as well as onion rings wasn´t his cup of tea. He wasn´t surprised when the young man had wanted nothing of it and he didn´t think it all had to do with the sickness either. To tell the truth neither did he. But eating was a way to keep himself pre-occupied from Howie’s questioning. A way to hide from the emotions that were hounding him.

This reminded him of the action that Nick used to take on, especially while touring. Now he understood that eating had been a way for the blonde to hide his true feelings and he felt a pang of guilt as the reality dawned on him. There had been more than at one occassion when he had been on Nick’s case. Telling him to stop eating or he would end up looking like their former manager Lou Pearlman. Nick hated Lou and naturally this had upset the young man even more. Another pang of guilt surged through him. Saying those things had just been the tip of the ice berg.

With deep regret he recalled the nicknames that he had given his friend, especially when they were on the 100 hour tour!

Pork chops!

At that time it had seemed so innocent and they had all laughed hard at the anger that Nick was showing upon being called that name. It hadn´t been meant to be mean, more like a joke that got out of hand. They had been bored on the plane and then Kevin had started and soon he got the reporters in on the joke too. This had sent Nick in for a tantrum and he became so mad that he left the room and refused to come back out until they touched ground in Sydney.

Now, more than two years later all Kevin could think of was what a jerk he had been. He had acted so immature and when he had heard from Brian, months later, how hurt Nick had been over the nickname he had assigned him he felt bad. Really bad.

It didn´t help that he had been teasing his friend when he was very vulnerable. He had just broke up his longtime relationship with Manda and the last thing he needed was someone to spite him. Flying was not very high on his list either and on top of everything Nick was batteling a gruesome case of the flu. He was not in his best health, but when was he ever while touring?

Even if it had been so long ago Kevin had never had the opportunity to appologize for his bad behavoir. Mentally he decided that he would try and talk to his friend as soon as possible. To appologize for all the times he had acted like a jerk, hurting Nick both consciously as well as unconsciously.

He had to do it. Before it was too late...

"Kev?..Kevin?? Buddy???" Howie called out for his attention, shaking his arm so he dropped the fork that he was holding in his hand. His thoughts had drifted away, spacing out as AJ used to call it, mainly referring to Nick.

"Huh?" Kevin "woke up" when the fork hit the floor. "What did you do that for?" he asked accusingly as he bent down to pick up the fork.

Not answering the question Howie looked intensely at him, like he was counting the seconds before Kevin would break. Start spilling his guts! "Are you alright?"

"What?.." Kevin ran a tired hand over his face, "Yeah.... yes I´m fine." He waved off Howie’s concern, "and I will be even better when I get to eat."

Howie was not about to change the topic. "No Kev, I mean are you really fine?"

He shurgged a bit irritated, "Mmmm."

"You really mean it?"

"Yes D'!" This was starting to get annoying. Howie playing a shrink. His friend was right about the assumptions but there was no way that he would reveal the pain that he felt in his heart.

The day had been filled with stirred up emotions and he needed to sort them out. Sort out his own life. Make peace with his father, but mainly with himself. He had to work on the feelings that he had buried so deep in his soul and that were starting to surface when he least expected it. The last thing he wanted was to re-live the pain that he was going through after his father’s death. But he knew that he had to dig through the past to be able to see into the future. But he was too afraid. Too afraid to be hurt again.

Faith was playing a game on him. He had to experience it all again, through Nick, and this time he could do nothing to escape. He had tried to ignore the issue of Nick’s sickness as long as he could, but now he couldn´t act any longer. His friend was going into surgery and there was no way he could just pretend that Nick was sick with one of the endless flu bugs that seemed to grace him all the time.

Being smart he had managed to fool them all, make them think that he could deal with Nick’s sickness when he in reality was scared out of his witts. Howie’s searching eyes told Kevin that the Latino was onto his secret. Irritated that Howie was onto him he sneered, "Oh stop it!"

But the younger man wasn´t scared off that easy. "You know you gotta talk to someone about all those feelings that you have pent up inside of you. It ain´t healthy to carry such a burden.

Kevin glared. This was hitting closer to home that he cared to admit. It was making him feel uncomfortable and standing up he pushed the plate away. He had to get out of the room before he would break down. Fall to pieces. Crying!

"You´re not going to eat that?" Howie nodded towards the plate that Kevin had pushed away. "Not hungry?"

He shook his head. "Not anymore." With that he walked briskly out of the room. Howie was right. There were so many bottled up emotions that he didn´t know where to start. He had to let it all out, yet he couldn´t. Not for Nick.

He and Nick had a strange relationship. They were often in fights and people used to say that it was beacuse of the large age difference but Kevin knew better. The truth was that they were so much alike, yet totally opposite each other. He had always admired Nick for being so carefree and the young man was so close to him. He had practically grown up on the road as Nick’s big brother, almost like his dad and such things made their footprints. Spending 24/7 with a hyper teen had not been easy but he loved Nick for the natural person that he was.

Memories of him comforting a homesick Nick flashed infront of his eyes. Traveling and touring, sometimes with no parents nor family, had often sent Nick through a ride of emotions. He was desperately homesick and at more than one occasion he had found the teen sobbing in his bed, wanting to be an ordinary teen. There was one special time when they had been on the road and Kevin had heard someone crying in the bunkbeds. Instead off dismissing it all for being a moody teen, he had sat down next to him and asked what was wrong. Soon Nick had spilled his guts, telling him how much he longed for his family and in the end he told the kid that everything would be just fine. Nick had looked up at him, big eyed asking "you sure?" A a response he gave the kid a warm hug, telling him that sometimes he felt that way too. Homesick and alone. Nick had looked up with a pale smile and it was the first time that they had connected. Nick being thirteen at that time.

Kevin had more and more grown to like the boy. He was often a pain in the butt, but he had something special too. Something that stirred up his inner feelings. During the years Kevin had grown to love the boy and even if Nick was as close to Brian as could be Kevin still loved him like a brother. He was often looking out for the kid, sometimes too much for Nick’s own liking and to the teen he had become a control freak. But the truth was that Kevin so afraid that something would happen his little brother. Something that would hurt him forever.

Even if they had some gruesome fights Kevin was there for him through thick and thin. Whenever Nick fucked up, and that was often, especially during the Black and Blue tour, he was there for him. Giving advice that often became neglected. But he was there and that was the main thing. He was there the first time that Nick got drunk. When his heart was broken by Manda, the first occassion ( yes there were many) and he was there when Nick was in fights with all of his "brothers". He was also there when Nick got arrested, if not in person but with his soothing voice. He was the one that Nick had called first and he had listened to Nick’s pain being spilled all over the phone. There were so many hidden feelings and Nick had cried for so long. Kevin shuddered at the memory. He had never known that Nick had been so sad inside. Sad and alone.

At that moment he had promised himself to always be there for Nick, but had failed a few weeks after when Nick had turned to Brian first to tell him about the disease. That hurt him. A bit.

Wiping a tear that was starting to roll down his cheek he said mentally cussed himself for being so emotional. Instead he had to stay strong, stay tough. He had to let Nick see that he hadn´t given up on him, even if he was more and more doubting that his friend would make it. Ok the tumor was operable but still the fact remained that Nick was sick. Very sick with Hodgkins Disease and Kevin more and more doubted how long he would last. It was like the cancer had invaded his friend’s body, using it as it´s shelter and refusing to leave despite what ever treatments they were doing.

If they didn´t find the right "cocktail," the sufficent treatment, he knew that his friend would be lost. Just like his father had and this was something that Kevin would not allow to happen. Not now..Not ever.

Brian shifted in bed for the umpteenth time that night. He had tried almost every trick there was in the book to get to sleep but none of them had worked. He had tried drinking warm milk, shifting pillows, yes even counting sheep but he still remained wide awake

It was the previous day’s events that came crashing against him like stormy waves hitting the rocks. Nick had tested positive for liver cancer and he would go in for surgery the next day. Then he would be in for some serious treatments. The news was too surreal to believe and even if it was out in the world news he still refused to believe it.....until he had called Howie.

His friend had confirmed it all and the moment it sank in that it was real and he wasn´t imagining things, it felt like someone had stabbed him with a knife. Driving it into his heart. It didn´t help matters that Howie had told him that Nick was locked up in his room, refusing to eat or talk to anyone. The only one that had passage was his little brother Aaron. Information like this scared him. Nick often wanted to be alone when he was feeling down or sick, but when it came to something serious like this Nick would need everybody by his side. The last thing he wanted his friend was to be alone.

Brian felt like a bad friend.

And some kind of patient advocate he was! He had left Nick when he needed him the most, when he was suppose to be there to support him. Never in his wildest fantasies had he thought that Nick would test positive for cancer again...he didn´t think that the cancer would spread this quickly and certainly not to the liver. Liver cancer was something that old people or alcoholics encounter not his little brother Nick.

With a deep sigh Brian drew a hand over his face, trying to sort out the feelings he felt. Nick had trusted him, telling him about his disease long before anyone else and and he had let him down. By leaving him when he needed him the most. But Leighanne had called, crying, telling him that her doctor was concerned over her high blood pressure and she had begged him to come back to her. To come back home. Since she was his wife, the one he loved the most in the whole world, and she was carrying his firstborn it was natural for him to do as she wanted to. To be by her side. But now he wasn´t so sure anymore...

Groaning he turned to his side to look at his alarm clock on the oak bedstand. Picking it up beside the book by Norman Mailer he looked at the red digits. 2:54 am. Early morning and he hadn´t even gotten one eye shut the whole night. Not that Brian was that unused to living a nightlife, especially a year back before the hiatus, but he didn´t like when the reason for his sleeplessness was disturbing thoughts invading his mind.

The bed creaked when he shifted again, afraid that his wife would wake up from the noise he glanced worriedly over at her side. She stirred, but showed no attempts on waking up and he stroked away a strand of blonde hair. She looked so peaceful and his heart was filled with love upon watching his beautiful wife. The last thing he wanted was to wake her up and reveal for her how bad he felt. He didn´t need to put any guilt on her for not being able to be there for Nick.

Satisfied he noticed that she was still sound asleep, he could relax again. His wife was due less than two months away and the doctor had told them that she thought that the baby would come sooner than expected. No one was more happy about it than Leighanne who had gained a lot of weight and couldn´t wait to get rid off the excess pounds. He also longed for the baby, although he felt scared too. Being a father was a big responsibility and there were times when he didn´t think he could handle that task, yet he longed so much that it ached inside of him.

He just hoped that Nick would be there to share his joy.

His eyes clouded when the thoughts went back to his friend down in Florida. He had left Nick in bad shape and now he felt regret over this. What had he been thinking? He wished that he could be by his friends side but as things were going this was an impossibility. At one occassion he had asked Leigh if she wanted to come with him to Florida, to Nick’s place, but she had refused, telling him that she wanted to be close to her parents and friends. He had even toyed with the idea of buying a house for them in Florida but when he had seen the annoyance in his wife’s face he had let the thought fall. She was making it very clear that it was in Atlanta and nowhere else she wanted to live. The house over in California was something that Brian had practically begged her to get. Leighanne Littrell was such a home girl.

"What is it Brian?" His wife’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. Looking over at her he was met with her concerned blue eyes. "Why aren’t you asleep? Are you alright?"

"Hush," he told her, not wanting to go further into the subject. "I´m fine and it´s nothing honey." He stroke her cheek lightly with his hand. "Now go back to sleep."

But Leighanne wasn´t easily fooled. "No Brian, I want to know what’s bugging you." She took away his hand and looked him straight in his eyes. "It´s Nick isn´t it?" The tone held a mixture of concerned and annoyance. There were also a hint of defeat.

He sighed. Was he that easy to read? Like an open book? Not wanting to make up another story he said slowly, "Yes Honey..I´ve been thinking about the surgery and all.." He was silent for a while before continuing. "What if something happens?" The words burned and he wished that he never had to utter them but it was on his mind. What if something went wrong? What if something happens. "What if he dies?"

Without even thinking what he was doing, he started to tell his wife all that he had on his mind. She listened in silence as he spilled his guts, telling her about the worry that he felt and the angst that was eating him up from the inside and out. She listened, hugging him when he started to cry, but said nothing in response. When he was finished with his talk she looked at him, pain filling her eyes. "Oh honey it isn´t easy is it?"

"Noo," he choked back, quickly trying to wipe away the tears that had rolled down his cheeks. She stopped his action with his hand, yet he continued with a bitter laugh, “Some friend I am. Leaving Nick when he needed me the most." He could have bit his tongue letting out the last words. Here he was putting on guilt on her, the guilt that was his and looking up at her he searched for any trace of distress in her beautiful blue eyes. Finding none he relaxed.

"You´re the best of friends and Nick knows it, don´t you dare to think anything else Brian Thomas Littrell." Her tone was firm.

Running a hand over his face in despair he mumbled, "I don´t know what to do anymore."

"Yes you do." Leighanne’s tone was filled with emotions. Slowly she looked up at him, "You know what is the right thing to do." Surprised, he glanced up at her serious expression and was about to resond when she placed a finger on his lips, hushing him down. "Shhhh.." she whispered, "You need to see Nick. And I think Brian that you should go. Go to him."

The words hit him in his solar plexus. There were a mixture of relief and doubt as he listened to his wife. Did she really mean what she was saying? He knew that it must have hurt her to utter those words since he knew that she wanted him to stay with her.

He sat up straighter in bed. "No I can´t. You need me." He placed one around his wife’s shoulders. "The baby needs me too."

She shook her head, "No Brian. I can manage besides I have mom and Lucy and Sophie here for me. And the doctor said that all I should do is rest and that will be way too boring for you." She chuckled lightly. "We will be just fine.. Go..go and see Nick. He needs you even more than I do, at least now."

Upon hearing these words, Brian felt nothing but admiration for his wife. Here she was in the last trimester of her pregnancy telling him to be there for Nick, even though he knew that she wanted him by her side. Afraid that she would change her mind again he said quickly, "Leigh I think you´re right. I need to go to Nick, but I wont be long. Just a few days." He smiled towards her in reassurance, "I promise." He hugged her tightly "I love you."

"Don´t worry. I´ll be fine. Just you go." Leighanne forced a smile back on her lips but her eyes were clouded with pain. Pain over that her husband was once again choosing his little brother before her.

Nick woke up with the all too familiar pain that had been plaguing him for months. He had spent much of the night fighting sleep and tried to reassure Aaron. He felt obligated to set his young brother’s mind at ease; Aaron had told how scared he was about the surgery. Nick pushed his own fears aside and told him that everything was going to be okay.

Somehow, Nick doubted his own words.

Rolling slowly onto his side, Nick glanced at the alarm clock. It was 6:40 a.m.

The hospital had called early yesterday afternoon and changed the time of his surgery for later on in the day, which had suited him fine. He had been thinking of the possiblity of skipping the surgery altogether. Just letting the cancer take it’s course. He was so close to making that decision, but there were two things that had changed his mind. One of them was Aaron.

Turning gingerly onto his back, Nick looked over to where his brother was sleeping. They had talked into the wee hours of the morning and Aaron had asked endless questions but he thoughtfully also kept telling Nick he should get some sleep.

The pain in his stomach was starting to become more than Nick wanted to handle and he quietly got out of bed, folding the covers back after he stood up. Taking a long look at his brother peacefully sleeping, Nick was filled with emotions and tears filled his eyes. He felt guilty about what was happening to him and that Aaron had to live through a horrible possiblity of losing a sibiling.

Dismissing the feelings of self-pity, Nick quietly padded to the bathroom. After relieving himself he stood in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection. He looked as run down and tired as he felt, he decided. Turning the faucet on, he cupped the cool water into his hands and splashed his face.

After showering, Nick peeked out into the bedroom and was happy to see that Aaron was still nestled underneath the thick comforter, softly snoring. With the towel draped around his waist, Nick shivered when the cool air hit his skin. On his way to the dresser, he pried a small opening on the shades that covered the windows. To his surprise, the media that Kevin had been grumbling about was still camped on the edge of the fence and across the street from his house.

Without waking Aaron, Nick slowly and quietly pulled out a pair of dark sweatpants and an FSU sweatshirt and one of his bandanas. Taking a pair of socks and his sneakers, he walked across the hall into the guest bedroom. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Nick braced himself for the painful task of putting his socks and shoes on. Lately, he had resigned himself to asking for help to do a lot of common daily tasks and it bothered him that he had grown to become more and more dependant upon others when he was either too weak or too tired to do the things he had taken for granted.

Putting on shoes and socks was something that took skill on Nick’s behalf. Biting his lower lip, he cautiously lifted a foot and as fast as he could, tugged the sock up over his calf. For something that should only take a few moments to do, it took Nick five minutes of struggling.

Quietly, Nick slipped down the back stairway. On his way down, he could hear the television in the livingroom and he was praying that Kevin and Howie were in there and not the kitchen. With a sigh of relief upon seeing that no one was in the kitchen, Nick grabbed his keys and one of his baseball caps that hung on the rack by the garage door.

Sliding into the BMW, he knew that his brother and friends would be upset with him for doing this, it was something he had to do.

Starting the car after the garage door was opened, Nick froze. "What am I doing? I can't just go....there's too many people that would be hurt," he asked himself, resting his head on the steering wheel.

"Why am I such a damned wuss? God, Carter, you're pathetic!"

Taking a deep breath, he turned off the ignition. Looking into the rearview mirror he glared at his reflection. "Some good friend you are.....wanting to walk away from everything and just pretend this isn't happening...."

He stopped berating himself when he looked past his reflection in the mirror towards the edge of the driveway where a handful of media was. With a sigh, he decided it was time to face his fans and give them the interview they deserved. He sat for a few moments, fingering the keys that hung from the ignition. Taking a breath in, he slowly opened the car door.

Howie sat down on the couch, setting a mug of coffee on the table next to him. “What time did you say is Nick suppose to be at the hospital?”

Not taking his eyes from the television screen, Kevin replied, “They said he needed to be there at eleven, surgery is at 1:00.”

“It’s almost 8:30 already, I’m surprised Aaron hasn’t gotten up yet,” Howie remarked as he looked at his watch.

“Well, you know how teens are.”

Howie smiled. “Yeah....that’s so true.” The smile slowly faded. “I think I heard him and Nick talking late last night.”

“Well that’s probably why the he’s still sleeping then.”

“I wonder how Nick could stay up like that, I mean, you know how lately he just falls asleep in mid conversation?”

Kevin grinned. “Well that could be because you’re doing the talkin’, don’t cha think?”

Howie flung a magazine towards his older brother. “Ha...ha, you’re quite the comic today.”

The men sat in silence for a few moments; engrossed in their own thoughts.

“Wonder what Nick’s gonna think when his parents show up?”

Kevin sighed, scratching the back of his head. “I’m not worried about what Nick will think, I’m more concerned about how his parents will react when they see him.”

“Me too.....um, hey should I wake Aaron up?”

“Howie, what’s your obsession with Aaron sleeping? Like you said, he was up late last night talking with Nick, maybe he’s tired.”

“I was thinking that maybe it would be better if he has breakfast before Nick gets up since Nick can’t eat before surgery.”

Kevin shook his head. “Nick hasn’t been eating at all, remember?”

The phone’s shrill ring broke into the conversation. Kevin quickly picked up the receiver. “Yep?”

“Kevin?”

“AJ? Where the hell are you.... I can barely hear you!”

“I’m on 92.......dude, what the hell is Nicky doing?”

“Huh?.....AJ, speak up!”

“Damn.......st.....pho..”

“I lost the connection,” Kevin muttered as he hung the phone up.

“What did AJ say?”

“I couldn’t understand him, there was too much static on his cellphone.”

“Where’s he at?”

“That I did understand, he said he was on 92.” Kevin paused for a moment, arching an eyebrow. “He asked me what Nicky was doing. That’s weird, he’d ask me that.”

“Maybe he said, how’s Nicky doing?”

“Yeah, that has to be what he asked,” Kevin agreed.

The phone rang again and Kevin and Howie’s eyes locked.

“You gonna take it or do you want me to talk to the dork with the cheap cell phone?”

“Better connection now J?”

“Are you guys listening?”

Kevin pulled the phone away from his ear when AJ started shouting into the phone. “I’m not deaf!”

“Nicky’s on the radio!”

Kevin immediately assumed that the station was talking about Nick or playing an old BSB song. “So you called me to tell me that?”

“Listen to me jackass, Nick’s on the radio....LIVE!”

”WHAT?”

“You mean to tell me you don’t know?”

“Don’t yell...”

“God, you’re suppose to be keeping an eye on him and you didn’t know he’s on the radio? I can’t bel---”

“What station?” Kevin interrupted.

“He’s talking to that dipshit on 93.3.”

Kevin gestured with his hand towards the stereo, “Turn on the radio, 93.3!”

“I’m gonna listen, he’s going to be coming back in a sec from the commercial break. See you when I get there, okay?”

“93.3, MJ in the morning and we have a special caller on the line, Nick Carter, Nick, bro, I’m happy that you’ve called.”

“Thanks.”

“We’ve already talked for a few minutes already, but I know you want talk to the listeners about something important that’s been happening with you.”

“This was something I’ve been meaning to do for awhile...you know, and um, well the media kinda sorta leaked out the info, um so I thought I better talk to some of the fans out there and tell them myself......wow, um this is really hard for me to do this......”

“Just take your time brotha...”

“Um, well I guess you’ve all heard that I, um, you know, um have Hodgskins...”

“That’s a form of cancer...”

“Um, yeah it’s cancer.... they found it after we got done touring in Japan, you know......”

“So this just happened all of a sudden?”

“No, actually it was quite the opposite....um, there were symptoms but um, I didn’t really see them.... I kinda ignored them and finally went to a doc after I couldn’t shake being sick for so long, okay.....um, so anyway I’ve been having chemo and doing radiation treatments for a few months now on and off...”

“You look good Nick...”

“No, I don’t.... I look like crap but the guys are tellin’ me I gotta be positive and stuff which I.....”

“Well you look good for what you’ve been through...”

“Well I just wanted to tell everyone that I’m fighting this and you guys are the ones that are keepinng me focused on fighting, you know and um...”

“I heard you have liver cancer?”

“Oh yeah.. yeah they just found that....that’s why my stomach’s gotten so big but I’m supposed to have surgery today...”

“Today?”

“Yeah, um it’s today......”

“Oh god...”

“Um......yeah, um..... well I guess that’s all I have to tell you guys for now, but thanks for thinking about me and you know I’m gonna beat this....”

“Thanks, Nick, we’re all pulling for you...”

“Thanks MJ....”

“Nick Carter....”

“Unbelieveable,” Kevin muttered, shaking his head. “Just when you think Nick’s gonna stay to himself forever he up and does this..”

“Wonder where he is?”

“Oh, you were listening?”

Howie and Kevin turned to see their young brother leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen a small smile on his face.

“Incredible, that had to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do,” Kevin stated as he walked over towards Nick.

Nick corrected Kevin, “No, going to the hospital to have this surgery is.”

Looking at his surroundings in the private hospital room, Nick shook his head. The nauseated feeling in the pit of his stomach was surfacing again, but it was mainly because of the smells of the hospital itself and not the cancer that was making him feel sick.

Aaron picked up on his brother’s frown. “Something wrong Nick?”

“Nah.....just nervous I guess.”

“Do you want me to get a nurse?”

“No thanks Howie, I’ll be fine.” Smoothing the blankets over his chest Nick tried to think of something to say to lighten the uncomfortable mood that was obvious in the room. “I can’t believe the people that were on the front lawn at the hospital this morning.”

“I kinda figured that would happen since you talked on the radio this morning and told them you were having surgery.”

“Yeah......”

“Hello Nick.”

“Hi Gayle.”

“Wow you know her?” Aaron asked as he watched the nurse breeze into the room.

Sighing, Nick nodded. “Unfortunately, yeah.”

The nurse laid the IV bags, tubing and syringes on the bed table and gave Nick a mock glare. “Unfortunately? Hey, I’m not that bad am I?”

“Nah, I was just implying that I’ve been here too much, you know?”

“I’m an IV specialist, so needless to say, Nick and I have become friends I suppose you could say, right Nick?”

“Yeah and you’re one of the better ones too,” Nick added with a slight smile.

Snapping on a pair of latex gloves, the nurse grinned. “Why thanks. Now let’s get at that port of yours and where the heck is that lab person? Hold on a sec, I’m gonna track them down before I start the IV, I’d like to save you a poke. Back in a few.”

Aaron watched the pony-tailed young nurse rush out of the room. “What was all that about?”

“They can draw the blood from the port under my collar bone. I have shit for veins now so they use that to get the blood for tests and stuff,” Nick explained quietly.

“Does that thing hurt?”

“The port? No, not really only when they have to flush it out. It hurts like a bitch sometimes. It’s more of a pain in the ass than anything.”

After a few moments, the IV nurse reappeared with the lab tech and did all the necessary steps to prepare Nick for surgery while Howie, Kevin, AJ and Aaron watched from the other side of the hospital room. Standing away in the corner, Aaron wrung his hands as he looked at his brother laying in the hospital bed.

Nick took his arm out from under his head and patted a spot on the bed. “AC, come here.”

Hesitantly, Aaron approached the bed.

“It’s okay, you won’t hurt anything,” Nick encouraged.

Shrugging his shoulders, Aaron cautiously sat on the edge of the bed.

“See, you didn’t hurt me.”

“Yeah, I’m more worried that someone is gonna come in here and yell at me for being on your bed. They did that to me once before when I went to see Andrew that one time.”

“Andrew?”

“Oh, I guess you don’t know him, he’s one of the roadies and he got hurt when one of the amps fell on his leg.”

“Owww, that would hurt,” AJ rasped.

“Tell me about it, I couldof sworn I heard the bone snap,” Aaron added.

Nick held a hand up, swallowing hard. “Um, that’s enough, I don’t want no more descriptions.”

AJ cocked a grin. “Oh yeah, I forgot, mister sensitive stomach over there.”

”Oh? Me? Let’s see, how about I talk about snot or puke with you and describe that....” Nick smiled.

”OKAY let’s call it a truce.”

As the laughter that filled the room slowly died down, and the smiles slowly faded from their faces. It was Kevin that finally broke the silence in the room when he looked at his watch.

“Nick, I was hoping your folks came last night---”

“I really don’t want them to come, you know? I mean, this is just some stupid surgery anyways and they’re busy with everything and stuff---”

“Nick, don’t say that!” Aaron piped up.

“Well it’s true, I don’t wanna make people have to drop everything to be here for this.”

“Nick, you’re not talking about having something like getting a hangnail removed. God, we’re talking about cancer on your liver, more importantly a tumor,” Howie softly corrected. “It’s their right to be here, you’re their son.”

Smoothing the wrinkles from his blankets, Nick kept his head down. “But I feel so stupid about this.”

“It’s nothing you could control Nick,” Kevin argued.

“Yeah, I think it was...”

“How do you figure?”

Nick locked eyes for a moment with AJ before quickly focusing his attention back to smoothing the blankets on his bed. “Cause I kept ignoring all the warning signs of this and I never got it checked out.”

“Nicky, everyone always wishes they could turn back time, but unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. You just play the hand you’re dealt and do everything you can to change the outcome, which is what you’re doing with this surgery and getting the chemo treatments,” Howie encouraged.

“And you promised all of us you’re gonna do that too,” Aaron softly added.

As tall Hispanic man dressed in maroon scrubs and wearing a surgical bonnet entered the room with a stretcher, Aaron quickly slid from Nick’s bed. “Hi, Nickolas Carter? I’m David from transportation. It’s time to take you down to holding.”

“Sounds like prison,” AJ quipped quietly.

“It is, trust me,” Nick mumbled.

“Aww, come on it’s not that bad, is it?” David asked as he turned the blanket down on the cart.

“Can they come down with me?”

“Yeah they can follow us,” David stated as he pushed the cart over to the side of Nick’s bed where the IV pole was situated. Reaching down, he pressed the button raiseing Nick’s bed to the same level as the cart. “Okay, can you scooch your butt over to this?”

Nick slowly obeyed David’s request, and the orderly quickly covered his patient up with a thick blanket, tucking his feet in.

“You want me to raise your head up or are you comfortable laying flat?”

“Can you put it up a little? It kinda hurts laying flat like this,” Nick requested quietly.

“Sure thing, you’re the boss,” David said as he gently pushed the head of the cart into a more comfortable position.

“Can one of you guys grab my ball cap? I don’t wanna go out there without something hiding my head.”

Silently, they followed the cart as it was pushed down the hall and onto the elevator and finally down the halls toward the surgical holding area, all trying to ignore the stares and shocked looks on the faces of people that passed by.

David stopped the cart outside of the heavy double doors that led to the holding area. “Sorry, but it’s restricted to only one person per adult patient, but I can make an exception and let two of you come in.”

“Kev, you go in with AC, me and Howie will be down in that waiting room,” AJ offered.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes so you can go in.”

Tucking his hands into his front pockets, AJ trudged toward the private waiting room that the orderly had shown them with Howie in tow. Upon entering the small room, AJ sank down into a chair, fingering the collar on his tee shirt. “God, these places make me edgy,” he muttered.

“Yeah, I hear you on that one,” Howie agreed. “PUT THAT AWAY, YOU CAN’T USE THOSE IN HERE!”

“I wanna find out see where the Carter’s are,” AJ growled as he flipped his cell phone open.

Howie grabbed at AJ’s hand, closing the cell phone. “You can’t use them in here, those are the rules, put the damn thing away!”

“Then how do you expect me to call them?”

“Payphone?”

“Oh christ, I ain’t using no goddamned public phone!”

“God, I can hear you two arguing when I was walking down the hall!”

“Brian? What are you doing here?” AJ questioned when his brother entered the waiting room. “Aren’t you suppose to be home with Leighanne?”

“Lee told me to come here, she knows I needed to be here for Nick,” Brian explained. “He hasn’t gone into surgery yet has he?”

“Not as far as I know. Aaron and Kevin are in the holding room with Nick right now. You can go in there when one of them comes out,” Howie stated.

“How’s he doing?”

Howie smiled slightly, “He’s okay, a little nervous, but that’s understandable.”

Brian nodded in agreement.

“How’s Leighanne?”

Brian grinned. “Bored to tears and as big as a house. That strict bedrest is really getting to her.”

“Sounds like fun to me,” AJ cackled.

“Bri? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too Kevin,” Brian grinned as he hugged his cousin. “Can I go see Nick?”

“Yeah, you better hurry though, I think they’re getting ready to take him in.”

Kevin escorted his cousin to the holding room, adding, “He’s gonna be surprised to see you,” before he turned to walk back to the waiting room.

Memories of his own surgery swam through his brain as he walked into the holding room. He found Aaron standing next to the cart, holding his brother’s hand while he spoke quietly with him.

“Hey buddy,” Brian said as he approached.

Nick jerked. “Bri, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Man, that’s the third person that’s said that to me in less than twenty minutes, I’m gonna get a complex if this keeps up,” Brian smiled as he gave Nick a brotherly kiss on his cheek and ruffled Aaron’s blonde hair.

“It’s okay, I just didn’t want to have people come and fuss over this....”

”Nick...” Aaron softly admonished.

Running a hand over his face, Nick sighed. “I know, sorry.”

“Am I missing something here?”

“Nah, just something that we talked about earlier, nothing to worry about. So how’s Leighanne?”

Before Brian could answer, a doctor approached them wearing green scrubs and a scrub cap. “Hi Nick, I’m Doctor Harrison. I’ll be performing the surgery.”

Nick smiled nervously in reply.

“I’m going to explain what’s going to be going on in surgery.”

Brian and Aaron stood quietly next to Nick while the doctor leaned against the steel bed rail. “I’ll be making an incision here,” he pointed at his stomach and traced a line. “I will be excising the tumor and the lymph nodes surrounding the liver. Once I’m satisfied with that, I will be implanting a pump inside your body that will deliver chemo directly into the liver....”

“A what?” Nick gasped. Brian rubbed his friend’s shoulder when he felt Nick’s body tense.

“An implantable pump, didn’t Dr. Andersen explain this to you?”

“Um, s-she only said higher doses of chemo, not this thing you’re talking about.”

“It’s the best way of fighting cancer in the liver son, it gives you better odds.”

“Will it make him sick?” Brian questioned.

“I’m sorry to say, yes, it will make him sick, but that’s what happens with chemo.”

“S-so, when would that chemo start and why can’t you do it with the port?”

“It’s the best way to fight the liver with the chemo being delivered directly into the liver and the implanted pump is the best way to increase your odds of survival of this type of secondary cancer. The chemo starts right after it’s implanted, before I close you up.”

“Oh, god, I don’t know if I want this,” Nick moaned.

“Nick, please, you promised me,” Aaron cried.

“Nick, you gotta do this....please don’t give up,” Brian coached.

Wiping the tears from his cheeks, Nick sighed again. “I guess I don’t have any other choice.”

“How long will the surgery take?” Brian questioned.

“Roughly four, maybe five hours, it depends on what I find when I get in there.”

“How long will he be in the hospital?” Aaron asked.

“Usually seven days, could be more or it could be less, it all depends on the patient. I should let you know too, that when you wake up, there will be a central line placed in your thigh.”

Nick narrowed his eyes at the surgeon. “A central what?”

“A central line that will be inserted into the main artery in your leg. Because of the internal chemotherapy that will be instituted and the risks of malnourishment from being ill, we will be feeding your nutrients intraveneously until you’re able to manage on your own.”

“God,” Nick whispered, swallowing hard.

“I’ll help you get through this Nick, just remember, you promised me you would fight this,” Aaron tearily reminded.

“Any questions?” Satified there weren’t any questions, the doctor smiled and patted Nick’s shoulder. “I’ll see you in a few minutes son.”

Brian quietly slipped an arm around Nick’s shoulder, hugging his brother tenderly. “I love you Nick.”

“I love you too.” Wiping the tears from his eyes, he could hear Aaron quietly sobbing. “Hey Airhead, I love you too. Go and kick AJ’s butt for me while I’m off having fun, okay?” He reached out and ruffled his brother’s head.

Folding his arms across his chest under the warming blankets as he was being wheeled into surgery, Nick could feel his heart pounding. He wished this whole ordeal was over.

“Hello Nicklas!”

Turning his head toward the familiar voice, Nick was shocked to see Dr. Andersen standing in the room, wearing a surgical gown and mask.

“Dr. Andersen? Hi.”

Placing an ungloved hand on her young patient’s shoulder, Dr. Andersen rubbed it lightly. “I’m going to observe. You’re in great hands with Dr. Harrison, he’s tops in this field. I’ll talk to you after surgery.”

“Okay Nick, slide on to this table,” a woman gestured at the wanted object.

Once Nick was on the table, several people starting taking their positions around him, each doing preparations for the procedure. A man wearing wire framed glasses leaned over Nick’s head.

“I’m Dr. Everett. You’re gonna feel a slight burn in your port, coolness in your chest and then you’ll get sleepy, are you ready?”

Nick nodded his head slightly in reply. True to the doctor’s words, he felt a slight burning and then a coolness into his chest as the anesthsia entered his system. The one thing the doctor failed to mention to him was the awful taste that entered his mouth. As he started to open his mouth to comment on it, he suddenly slipped into unconsciousness from the medication.

'Please God let this operation go without any complications,' Brian prayed silently, staring at the closed doors where Nick had been wheeled in on a stretcher moments ago. He knew there was no use in standing in the hall but he couldn´t bring himself to go back to the sick room where the others waited for him to tell about the surgery. Running a hand over his face in a tired gesture he prayed that his friend, his little brother would be well again. Suddenly his prayers were interrupted by a hand tugging at his shirt sleeve.

"Brian! You..you think that w..we should g..g..go now?"

The older man jerked. For a moment he had been all alone, wrapped up in his own world and thoughts, all forgotten about Aaron that was standing next to him. Catching a quick glance at his side he saw the tears that filled the boy’s eyes. "We..we have to go ba..back to the others." His voice was thick with emotions as he choked back a sob trying desperately to find his bearings. It was crystal clear that the whole situation upset him greatly.

"Mmm...I guess you’re right. Let’s join the others." Brian forced a smile although it did nothing for the mood the teen was in. Noticing this, Brian put a comforting arm around his shoulder, "AC.. I´m sure everything will be ok." He was doing his best to sound as convincing as he could but Aaron didn’t acknowledge. Instead a deep sigh was heard.

Brian continued with a light tone, "Hey buddy, you wanna go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat? You know..a sandwich or something?

The teen shrugged, yet said nothing back. He bit his lip like he was doing his best not to break down and start crying. Brian squeezed Aaron’s shoulder a bit. "Maybe we should get some ice cream..chocolate fudge. Doesn´t that sound good?"

"Whatever."

There was no happiness in the boy’s brown eyes and no matter what Brian would say or do he didn´t get any response back. Aaron had a habit of acting as stubborn as his older brother, especially those times when he was troubled over something. Finally he opened his mouth, "Brian," the tone was slow, "I´m not hungry, let´s go back to the others instead. You know I promised to call mom."

"Ok." Brian nodded in agreement. It sounded like a good plan and he didn´t feel like standing in the hallway looking at the closed doors where he knew that they were preforming surgery on his best friend. His friend who he loved like his own brother. He was also greatful that Aaron had expressed that he wasn´t hungry since food wasn´t high on his priority list either. He had a quick meal on the plane, but other than that he just felt sick thinking of food.

The walk back to Nick’s room was in silence. Aaron hung his head not saying anything and usually Brian would have said something, a joke or a comment, to lighten the situation but no matter how hard he tried he couldn´t bring himself to do so now. His mind was all blank. The memory of Nick’s expression as the doctor was telling him about the surgery was something that was burned into his brain. The look of fright when the surgeon told him about the increased chemo as well as the line that was going to be attatched to his thigh was indescribable. More and more Brian realized that this was no easy procedure and that the battle Nick was in for was rather serious and hard. There had also been a brief look of despair and defeat for a moment and the tears that had rolled down his friend’s face made his stomach clench and didn´t actually improve the situation at hand. He had done his best to try and think positive but dreadful thoughts kept popping up in his mind, disturbing him all the time.

What if something went wrong? He had studied about Nick’s disease on the net and liver cancer was not something to take easy upon. What if they found another tumor? What if he never woke up? What if he died? Swallowing hard Brian had to fight to keep in his tears. Looking at the teen walking beside him he saw the same scared expression as he knew he had himself. A young nurse coming out of a room, holding sheets in her arms, smiled briefly at them. He knew that she recognized them but she didn´t say or do anything more. He felt greatful that the ward was taking precautions and that none of the personnel acted like they were top celebrities even if he knew that outside the department were journalists and fans waiting to get news about Nick’s well being.

The moment they stepped into Nick’s room questions rinsed all over them like raindrops in a thunderstorm. The questioning was mainly led by Kevin and Howie since AJ sat silent in a corner of the room not adding much to the conversation. Aaron sat down on Nick’s bed, picking up his brothers favorite Knicks T-shirt, hugging it like it was his own brother. The action made the rest of the guys feel sad but soon their attention was turned to Brian once again.

"What happened?"

"How is he?"

"What did they say?"

The more they asked the harder Brian had to answer and soon he felt the limit of it all. "STOP IT!" Brian snapped a bit more irritated than he intended to, "Let us at least come into the room before you start with the interrogation." He shook his head, "What´s the rush?"

"Jeeze.." Kevin sneered, "There’s no need for you to be so snotty."

Brian glared back at him. "What´s your problem?"

Kevin opened his mouth, but was cut off by Howie who said in soft tone that only he could muster, "Calm down you two. There’s no need to start an argument. This whole situation is making us all pretty tense and we need to relax." Turning to Brian he continued, "Sorry about asking so many questions but what did the doctor say anyway?”

With a deep sigh Brian started to reveal the information that he had been told and several gasps were heard through out the room, especially when he mentioned that Nick would have a chemo pump inserted into him.

"You can´t be serious!" was Kevin’s comment. "Nick will be so sick with that pump." He ran a hand over his three day old beard while he muttered, "Oh God!"

"I wish it was all a mistake," Brian swallowed hard. "The doctor saíd that they needed to give him an increased agressive treatment to be able to fight the cancer as best as they can." Adding he continued, "That way he would stand a pretty good chance to beat the disease once and for all."

"That sounds pretty good," Howie commented just to be interrupted by a loud voice coming from the corner of the room.

"Fucking bullshit!"

"What???" Four pair of eyes turned towards the angry young man in surprise. "What makes you say that?"

"Because that’s what it is. A bunch of bullshit. A lie!" This whole act startled the rest of them.

"How can you say something like that?" Brian demanded, suddenly very mad.

"It´s all a fucking lie." AJ glared at them one by one. "You all know it....but you’re in so much denial that you believe yourself." He was standing up by now and Howie reached out his hand to calm down his friend but there were no use as AJ quickly shrugged the arm away. A hurt expression could be seen on the Latino’s face as he quickly moved his arm out of the way.

"Don´t," AJ warned in a threatening way. Then he looked at them all again, standing up this time. "You all know that Nick’s odds are very bad and that all they are doing with the chemo is to stall the inevidentable. Making him suffer even more."

This time it was Kevin taking tone, "What the hell are you implying?"

"I´m not implying anything." Anger was making AJ´s face all red. "I just stated the facts. Sarah had a classmate that got Hodgkins and a tumor in her liver and guess what??? She died!"

"That was totally uncalled for," Brian barked, nodding at Aaron to state his point, but the younger man made no sign of noticing this and instead continued.

"You are all so fucking scared about the truth and I´m so sick and tired of all of you." He pointed to them. "You all pretend that Nick has some kind of flu bug that will go away like nothing had ever happened. You are all in fucking denial!"

"Bone.." Kevin raised his voice again as to tell his friend that he had enough.

"I don´t give a damn what you all think," AJ said glaring at Kevin who looked like he wanted to punch him out to get AJ to shut up. "If you for once stopped to pretend that everything was so damned fine and opened your eyes you would see that Nick is getting sicker and weaker by the minute..hell he is all skin and bone. How the fuck do you think that he can manage such a difficult surgery? And even if he pulls through the after effects with that chemo crap just makes him sicker. What kind of fucking life is that to live?"

"At least he is alive.." Howie started getting a glare from AJ.

"Yeah right!"

Kevin was being pushed over his limits and he rose a hand to stop AJ "That´s enough of your bullshit!" He was the one to call it quits and he stared at the younger man with an expression cold as ice, "Now you fucking stop it!"

"Why?" There was a challange in his voice. "Why? Are you so damned scared about the truth?"

"That´s not truth AJ and you know it." Now it was Brian that was cutting into the conversation, intent to stop it so Aaron wouldn´t be hurt anymore than he was.

"I wasn´t talking to you," AJ retrorted to Brian before turning back to Kevin. "You if anyone has seen what cancer does to people. Why are you so fucking scared to hear what I have to say?"

"I´m not scared," Kevin’s voice shook with emotions, "but you hurt people with the way you´re talking." With his head he gestured to Aaron who sat quiet on the bed, hugging the shirt like it was his only friend, looking lost and forlorn. "You better watch what you´re saying."

AJ glanced at Aaron and felt his stomach clench as he was taking in the picture of Nick’s little brother crying on the bed. He was no coldhearted beast and swallowing hard he wanted to stop yet there were so many words that he wanted to say. So many emotions that were bottled up inside of him and that he had to get rid of before he exploded. "I´m just telling you what I see yet you act like you don´t seem to care." He drew his breath back like he was trying to gain new strength. "When are you all going to realize that Nick might never come back.....that he can fucking die in that room?" A single tear broke free from his eyes, rolling down his cheek, but as hastily as it had errupted, he was just as quick as he wiped it away with the back of his hand. "Fuck!"

The air stood still as everybody waited for the explosive arguing to take place like it usually did after someone had spilled a comment like that. But instead there was a silence so deafening that it felt like it was going to choke them all. No one said anything as the reality of the words that AJ just uttered was slowly sinking in. Even if they didn´t want to admit it, AJ had said the words that had been on everyone’s mind all morning, even the otherwise so positive Howie.

The clock kept ticking by and all that could be heard in the room was Aaron’s quiet sobbing as he had buried his face into brother’s Knicks shirt silently whispering, "Please Nick..please..you gotta make it..please you can´t leave us now..we need you!"

"Where the hell is he?" AJ growled as he was pacing back and forth on the floor in the small room. "This is taking too fucking long. He should be here by now!"

"God you´re going to wear out the floor the way you´re pacing," Kevin said looking at the younger man. "Stop it you´re making me seasick."

"Yes chill out Bone, take a seat." Howie patted at the avaible chair next to him. "Relax." With that he turned back to reading Glamour magazine.

"How can you stand reading that kind of trash?" AJ asked in response, still pacing back and forth, "Isn´t that magazine for sissys?"

"No and that was all I could find," Howie defended himself.

"Yeah right!" AJ snorted before continuing. "Did the doctor say that it was going to take this long? I mean wasn´t he suppose to be out of surgery like an hour ago? Why hasn´t anyone been to talk to us? What the hell is happening here?"

"Don´t cuss." Brian responded from his side in the room. He was the one that had taken the only armchair in the room and no one had yet objected. AJ rolled his eyes but said nothing more. Shrugging, Brian continued, "and to answer your question; I really don´t know." He was telling the truth. He didn´t know anything about Nick anymore. It was too surreal of a situation to grasp. It felt like all the air was gone like a balloon that had been popped. Today had been the longest wait in history, even worse than all the recordings, photo shoots and delays at airports combined. And that wouldn´t say little.

It was even worse than when he had his own surgery, mainly because at that time he was the patient and couldn´t do much about it.

Nick had been in surgery for roughly six hours and that was the amount of time they had been trapped together in the same room. Not that it bothered them much since they have been most of the time - especially in the past - cooped up for hours upon hours together, often at small venues, hotel rooms or on uncomfortable buses. Sitting in yet another room together didn´t bother them too much if it wasn´t for the reason why they were being in there.

No one had said much. AJ had acted most nervous of them all and he had made endless trips outside the room, either to smoke, use the bathroom or get something to eat. When he wasn´t going back and forth into the room he was pacing and looking at the clock on the wall. It was quite irritating but they had refrained for saying anything since they knew by now that this was Bone’s way of dealing with nervousness. Kevin hadn´t said much either. He didn´t need to do it since his expression said it all. Tears were not far away and Brian could only guess what he was thinking of. He knew that Kevin was much more scared then he was letting on and that Nick being sick moved him deep at heart too. Howie had been the coolest of them. He had actually managed to take a nap for a while and in between he was reading women’s magazines and tabloids. But he wasn´t very talkative either.

Brian had spent the better part of the day comforting a devistated and crying Aaron. Silently he had wondered where the boy’s family was when he needed them the most but the teen had told him that they were going to come up and probably were on their way right now. Brian hoped so beacuse if they were a no show he didn´t know what to do. Nick, but especially Aaron needed them. Looking over at Nick’s bed he found the young teen fast asleep and couldn´t help but smile at the view. Aaron was hugging Nick’s shirt in a tight grip like a babyblanket for comfort.

"Hey Kev do you see who that reminds me of?" Brian called out motioning with his thumb towards the sleeping teen.

Looking up from the tabloid he had been convinced by Howie to read to kill some time, a brief chuckle was heard. "Yes..man they sure look alike." There was something dreamy in Kevin’s way at looking at the blonde. "He looks exactly like Nick did when he was his age. " Nudging Howie in his side he asked, "Don´t you think?"

"Wha..what?" Howie asked a bit disoriented for a moment and as Kevin repeated the question again he agreed, "Mmmm.. Do you guys remember when we were on that tour somewhere in Europe..Germany I think and Nick fell asleep while we were having that business meeting with all the hotshots?"

"Yes I do," Brian nodded, "Lou was so mad that I thought that the roof would lift."

"Yeah but that was no wonder since we had been up the whole fucking night rehearsing for that video shoot. He was absolutely zonked." AJ remembered before adding, "Hey do you guys remember that time when Nick made such an ass of himself when we were shooting hoops? You know when he fell flat on his face?"

"No when was this?" Kevin asked scratching himself on the head. He was trying hard to remember which of all of the thousands of times his friend had made an ass out of himself. It was easier to count the times when he hadn’t.

"It was that time when he was trying to impress those two girls that I had met..Actually I think that it was at the same video shoot."

"Oh now I remember," Brian laughed, "Man he was trying to do a reverse dunk while playing with his back to the basket and then ended up tripping and falling on his forehead."

"Yeah..that was the time," AJ belly laughed before sitting down on the chair, much calmer than before. "Man you should have seen his face when he got up."

"I did!" Brian grinned widely, showing how Nick looked like, just as disoriented with a whistle. "He was so embarrassed."

"Wasn´t that the time when he got that huge bump on his forehead?" Kevin commented suddenly reminded of the incident. "He even got a slight concussion if I remember correctly?"

"Aha..and Lou was pissed. The bump was so big that it looked like one giant horn," AJ grinned. "Man was make up pissed."

"As far as I can recall we did have to move the shoot for the next day, just beacuse he was so dizzy." Howie added before continuing, "Do you guys remember that time when Nick started to act so wierd during a show?"

"No," AJ said honestly, "Doesn´t he always?"

"Bone," Kevin reprimanded but there was laughter in his eyes like he agreed with what the younger man was saying.

"What?" AJ snorted, "I´m just stating facts." No one objected to that.

"Ok D' was trying to say something when you interrupted," Brian said, urging Howie to continue with his story. "What did you say before that ass interrupted you."

"Hey!" AJ started but was met with a look from Kevin that had him shutting up again.

"Anyway Nick suddenly got this strange expression on his face like he was crapping his pants or something." Laughter was heard in the room as Howie continued, "and then he held a hand behind his ass and mumbled something to me and then ran off the stage."

"I remember that time," AJ laughed widely, "I thought he had shit his pants but it turned out that he had.." They were all howling now from laughter as they said in unison, " ripped his pants."

When the laughter finally died down several minutes later Kevin said with a grin, "Speaking of pants. I remember that time when you Brian," he pointed towards his cousin, "pushed him out of the dressing room just dressed in his boxers and all those girls outside had the time of his life." More laughter was heard.

"Hey that was not me," Brian defended, yet grinning at the memory. There was also a guilty look in his eyes.

"Yes it was," Howie objected, "and dude was Nick pissed at you for doing that. I thought he would punch you in the face."

"And I thought he would break down the door trying to get inside or make a hole in the door from all that banging." AJ laughed, "Or do you guys remember that time when Nick tripped on something wet and then fell down into the drums. One sec he was dancing, the next..BOOM..he was gone."

"Nick has really made an ass of himself so many times," Kevin grinned and the rest of them agreed.

"Not to mention that time when the drummer put sticky chocolate on the drumsticks and Nick had to play getting all sticky."

"That was just because you," Once again a finger, this time AJ´s pointed at Brian, " you made him poop in a sock and then put it behind the drum and it smelled like shit all over the stage."

There was a loud laugh in the room as that memory was brought to life.

"I did not!" Brian defended himself, but he knew it was useless since all evidence pointed at him.

"Yes it was. Samantha even wrote about it in her book," Kevin stated with a smile, "Man Bri you could really get Nick to do alot of dumb stuff."

"It wasn´t my fault."

"Well who was it then? And who was it to get Nick to put firecrackers on that toilet seat if not you Brian?"

"And putting the saranwrap on the toiletseat so Johnny peed on the floor in the bus, it was you. Admit it!" Howie added.

"That was Nick’s doing!"

AJ shook his head, "No you were the brain behind it all. Dude don´t you think that we know that you had Nick to do it all and then looked like a freaking mama’s boy!

"Maaaaan why are you all blaming me?" Brian whined but he couldn´t help to chuckle at them memories they brought up. "Me? I never do ANYTHING!"

"Yeah right!" AJ snorted. "You are behind it all, admit it," he hit his friend in the head with Howie’s magazine.

"Hey you took that from me. I was reading it," Howie tried to snatch the wanted item but AJ held the magazine out of reach as he continued to torture Brian.

"Admit it." Another hit was placed out on Brian’s head and he covered it all up with his arms, still laughing.

"Ouch!"

"I think that Nick could be pretty good in making up pranks on his own too," Kevin said after a while when AJ had stopped hitting Brian and Howie had gotten his magazine back.

"I agree," Brian smiled, "remember when he gave Donna that gum that tasted like fish?"

"How could I ever forget?" AJ said, " She was so pissed at all of US that she made us stay inside and we were not allowed to go out clubbing for two days. Like WE had done something wrong!" AJ muttered.

"Yeah and you were so mad at Nick that you threatened to knock his teeth out," Howie added, "you even ran after him at that venue so he fell and started to have a nosebleed. Just before we were about to get onstage."

"And then you were grounded for two more days." Kevin grinned.

"Man those were times," Brian commented, "We really had some fun, didn´t we?"

"Yup we did."

"But there were some times when it all sucked too," AJ remembered, "at least for me and Nick."

"For you?" Three pair eyes turned towards the skinny man.

"Yes you know we were rather young at the time and you guys were allowed to do so much while we were stuck at the hotel playing tv games and watching videos."

"Porn videos you mean," Kevin added with a frown.

This had Brian turning towards his cousin, "What?"

"Didn´t you know that one time in Sweden I found them wacthing pay tv and it wasn´t Disney I tell you."

AJ laughed, "Well what could a guy do all alone, stuck in a hotel room?"

"I know..but with Nick?" Howie looked disgusted.

"He didn´t mind. Actually he was really happy about it. Especially with that blonde girl with those big breasts.What was her name again?" AJ thought for a moment, "Inga!"

"You really are something," Brian said shaking his head, "You even remember the porn star’s name?"

"Just because I met her a few years later. Wanna hear about it?" AJ grinned.

"Oh spare me!" Brian groaned placing a hand towards his forehead in disgust.

"Suit yourself," AJ mumbled, "you´re really missing out."

"Why is this conversation suddenly starting go under the belt?" Howie asked. Before he had a chance to say anything more they all said in unison, "BONE!!" Another loud laugh interrupted in the room.

A groan was heard from the bed and they all turned their attention towards the teen that was moving around, restlessly, in the process of waking up. "Wha..what izzit? Is Nick back?" he mumbled suddenly sounded very disoriented.

Instantly they were thrown back to reality. To Nick’s hospital room and to the situation at hand.

"No," Brian went out from his chair and went to sit beside the teen. Aaron was busy rubbing his eyes, trying to adjust to the bright lights so he didn´t acknowledge Brian before the bed weighed down under him and an arm was placed over his shoulders.

"You doing alright buddy?" Brian asked softly.

Aaron looked up, "He’s not back?" There was a hint of fright in his voice as he looked around in the room. "Why? Shouldn´t he be here by now?"

"Yes," AJ agreed fidgeting with his hands on his t-shirt like he did when he was restless. "Maybe we should go out and try to find someone that can tell us what the hell is going on."

"Brian how long did you say that the surgery would take?" Kevin asked ignoring AJ´s harsh comments.

"Four, maybe five hours!"

"But it has already taken over six hours," Howie exclaimed looking at the rest of the men with a worried expression on his face.

"Then we are running overtime!" Kevin stood up from his chair and walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I just need to stretch my legs a bit." Kevin flexed his joints, "I´ll be back in a few." With that he left the room before anyone could say anything else.

"I bet that he is going to ask a nurse what is happening," AJ told the others. All he got back was a short nod.

Aaron turned worridly towards Brian, "Do you think that Nick is all right?"

"Yes," Brian said softly as he ran his hand through Aaron’s sweat soaked hair in the same gesture that he had done so many times to Nick. Trying to comfort his friend when something had been troubling him.

"You sure?" there was doubt in the boy’s tone of voice, "Then why hasn´t we heard anything by now?"

"Oh there can be millions of things," Brian said lightly doing his best not to scare the kid even more.

"Like what?"

"Yes like what Brian?" AJ wanted to know too.

The Kentuckian caught an irritated glare at the younger man before turning back towards the blonde, "You know the doctor could be busy with other patients and.."

He was soon interupted by AJ. "Tell me the fairytale about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs while you´re at it too." There was disgust in the tattooed man’s voice. For a brief moment Brian felt a sudden urge to flip his friend off, yet didn´t do that since he was not a kid anymore besides that would not have been a proper thing to do in a situation like this. He knew that AJ was as worried as he was even if he often had a strange way showing it.

Brian was about to open his mouth to say something comforting to Aaron when the door opened and all their attention turned that direction.

In came Kevin followed by Dr. Andersen, still dressed in surgical scrubs.

"Hello guys," she greeted them with a smile, but it wasn´t returned.

"How is Nicky?" Howie wanted to know.

"Yes, how is he doing?" AJ spared no time getting to the point, "Is he out of surgery yet?"

Brian and Aaron said nothing.

The smile faded from the doctor’s face as she looked at all of them. "Young Nickolas is doing well. He´s still in recovery and he will likely be there for a few more hours. But as soon as he is better he will be transfered back to his room and then you can all see him."

"So surgery went alright then?" Kevin asked and the doctor shifted a bit uncomfortable.

"Yes as well as could be expected." For some strange reason she was dragging out the words before she continued, "especially since we found another tumor..."

“Good........it looks like he’s starting to come out of it.....”

Nick struggled to open his eyes when he heard the soft voices that were drifting in and out. His mouth felt like cotton and he was slowly becoming aware of how awful he was feeling. Instinctively, he pawed at the oxygen mask on his face.

“No honey......s-h-h-h, you’re in the hosptial, you’re gonna be okay.....you’ve just came out of surgery...”

As he gave up fighting the hands that were pulling his arms away from his face, he relaxed a little when the woman’s soothing voice told him he was going to be okay.

Nick struggled again to open his eyes and finally managed for a brief moment. All he saw was the brightness of the room he was in and he immediately closed his eyes again.

“How are you feeling?”

“Shitty,” Nick managed to mumble, his voice muffled by the oxygen mask.

“Are you in pain?”

He thought for a moment as he did an inventory of how his body was feeling at the moment. The pain he was feeling was indescribable.

“Yeah..” he breathed.

“Okay hun.... I’m giving you something for the pain through your IV......”

As much as he tried to open his eyes and stay awake, the coolness of the medication traveled down his arm and he slowly lost the fight and fell back into blissful unconsciousness.

Kevin stood facing Dr. Andersen, his mouth agape, the color drained from his face. “What did you just say?”

“I said that the surgery went well as could be expected and Nickolas will be in recovery for a few more hours.”

AJ stepped between Kevin and the doctor, putting his hand up. “No, back up, you said something else.”

Dr. Andersen looked Nick’s brothers, pasting a thin smile on her face. He gaze fell on Aaron, and the woman felt her heart break. It was telling news to a patient’s family that was always the hardest when something unexpected happens in a surgery.

She cleared her throat as she tried to gather the words to repeat the heartbreaking news, the eyes in the room focused on her. “Well, as I said before, the surgery went well, but once things were started, we discovered a new tumor.”

“With all the damn tests the guy has been through, don’t you think that would have been found earlier?” AJ rasped.

Kevin shot a glare toward his AJ and shook his head in a disapproving look. “I’m sorry doctor, please go on.”

“Well, to answer his question, usually tumors are found on the battery of tests that Nickolas has been through, but oddly, it wasn’t discovered because of were it was growing.”

“So it was on his liver too?” AJ interrupted once again.

“No, the growth was under his pancreas, not on it but actually beside it and Nickolas is lucky.”

“I don’t see how you would think a new tumor could be lucky?” AJ questioned. This time Kevin stood next to his bandbrother, shaking his head and glancing over at a tearful Aaron.

“I’m saying it was lucky because it appears we have caught it in the early stages of development and that if it had gone unchecked for a week or two it could have been a fatal tumor without any chances of attacking it.”

Brian placed a comforting hand on Aaron’s shoulder, rubbing it gently as he asked the doctor a new question. “So what do you think his chances are now with this surgery?”

The doctor smiled slightly. “I would hope that his chances have improved dramatically. I don’t like to put numbers on things because Nickolas’s recovery depends on how his body responds to the treatments.”

“S-so, you’re saying that my brother will li-la....” Aaron studdered.

“Live? I think he is a tough cookie and this is something that he has to fight but I know that Nickolas has the support and love of all of you so I think his odds are good.”

“Thank God,” Howie breathed, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“I do want to caution you, that although this sounds wonderful, there still is a rough road for Nickolas to go and he still has to put the cancer into remission before we have any room to breathe easier. Love, support and encouragement is all that you can do for him. He will become very ill over the next several months and he will need all the help and support he can get.”

“I wished there was something that you could do without making him so tired and sick. He’s not my brother when he’s like this,” Aaron cried.

Brian knelt down beside the teen. “Hey AC, you know that’s still Nick, he’s just hurting and sometimes he says and does things he doesn’t really want to do, that’s all.”

“With that chemo pump in his body, it won’t make him sick right away will it?” Kevin wondered.

Dr. Andersen sighed. “It all depends on Nickolas’s system. Every patient is different and I’m afraid it may since his body is already taxed.”

A cold chill went through Kevin’s body. He instantly thought about the horrific event when Nick had gotten so ill that one time where he couldn’t stop throwing up and he wound up taking his brother to the emergency room. He had been so scared that he was going to lose him back then. He wondered if he would be able to stand seeing Nick in so much pain again.

“God, he got so sick that last time....” Brian pointed out.

Kevin only nodded. The memories of Nick combined with his own memories of how sick his own father was before he passed away, flashed through his mind.

Brian looked up at his cousin. “Kev, are you okay?”

Startled, the older man snapped out of his trance, swallowing hard. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He pasted a smile on his face to convince the others of his lie. Looking around the room he added, “We’ll help Nicky get through this, no matter what it takes.”

The nausea that Nick was feeling was the worst he had ever felt. His stomach throbbed with fresh pain from the surgery and he wished he could sleep forever.

It hurt too much to breathe and it seemed to take more energy than he had.

“Sweetheart, we’re going to move you back upstairs to your own room and your bed.”

Nick didn’t reply, he moaned.

“Honey? I said we’re going to move you back to your room.”

As much as Nick wanted to answer the nurse, he was more busy concentrating on swallowing the lump that seemed to have stuck in his throat. It felt like a pebble stuck on one side.

“Are you having troubles?”

Nick rolled his eyes beneath the closed lids. ‘Did he have troubles? Lady do you have time to hear all the troubles I have?’

“My throat....” he squeaked.

He was surprized at the sound of his voice. It was weak and scratchy sounding.

“Does your throat hurt you?”

‘Dumb question,’ he thought to himself. Just as he opened his mouth to answer the nurse, the worst possible thing happened to him.

Pushing the oxygen mask away from his face, Nick started a bout of gagging and dry heaving. It was almost instantaneous that a curved bowl was placed quickly by his face. The nausea had Nick in it’s grip and his stomach felt like tiny pins and needles were poking him from the inside.

“Phenegren, 200ml stat....”

Being too preoccupied with trying to calm his stomach down, Nick was barely aware of the orders a nurse called out and the scent of the alcohol swab when it made contact with the air. The rhymic heaves slowly died down and Nick gratefully fell into a peaceful drug induced sleep.

The wait for Nick to be returned from surgery seemed endless for his bandmates and brother. Each had their own ways of trying to pass the time; Howie thumbing through a magazine he had purchased at the gift shop, Brian, seated in the corner, his head bowed in prayer, Aaron flipping through the channels on Nick’s television, Kevin pacing the floor and as always, AJ came and went as he slipped outside for an occasional cigarette and to make ‘one more call from his cellphone.’

The scene to the guys was as commonplace as brushing your teeth. The only difference was that Nick was missing from the scene. All thoughts were preoccupied with him.

“I can’t stand this,” AJ mumbled as he paced from the window toward the door. “I thought he was out of surgery and would be back here!”

Looking up from his magazine, Howie smiled lightly. “J... he’ll come when it’s time, pacing the floor and complaining won’t hurry them up you know.”

“Yeah but it’s been two hours ago that one doctor came and told us he was out of surgery,” AJ snapped as he paced back to the window, bumping into Kevin. “Christ..... could you watch where you’re going?”

Instead of answering AJ, Kevin ran a weary hand over his face and sighed. He turned his directions and walked over toward the door. He stood in the doorway for a moment and then edged his body into the hall.

“Hey.....I think Nick’s coming,” Kevin announced, his voice filled with anticipation.

Brian lifted his head and looked in the direction of his cousin. He could hear the familiar sounds of IV machine beeps and he quickly stood up. AJ, Howie and Aaron rushed over to the side of the room where Brian stood, making sure they wouldn’t get in the way when Nick was brought in.

As Kevin slipped back into the room, the group looked at his face for signs or confirmation that it was Nick that was coming down the hall. Their hearts sank when they could see the tears in the older man’s eyes, the look of tension on his face.

“Dammit...it wasn’t Nicky was it?” AJ muttered.

The beeping was right outside the door and before anymore words were spoken, the foot of the gurney slowly appeared in the doorway. No one spoke as they took in the scene. All were too busy doing their own visual inventory of the situation.

When Aaron caught sight of four IV boxes lined on the pole and endless bags of IV fluids hanging, his eyes pooled and his heart felt like it would pound out of his chest. The sight of that alone frightened him.

With all the surgical transportation staff surrounding Nick’s cart, non of them could actually get a full glimpse of their brother. Other than the IV’s, Nick’s feet and blanketed legs were the only things they could see as they stood off to one side and out of the way.

The staff raised the hospital bed up to the same level as the gurney and three of the nurses assembled on one side of the cart and two others alongside the hospital bed.

“Okay...ready.....one...two...three.”

Nick’s body was slide off the cart and onto his bed in an effortless motion. As some of the staff pushed the cart away, one nurse was lowering his bed while the other nurse was covering him up quickly with blankets.

Before they left his friends, the nurse in pastel pink flowered scrubs turned to them. “I’m his day nurse, Vicki. Nick’s been sedated so he’s not awake right now. I’ll be back in a little bit. Do you have any questions?” When no one spoke, she smiled briefly and left the room.

As a group, they slowly approached Nick’s bed. After a few moments, the only sounds were muffled cries and sniffling. Aaron, on the other hand placed his hand ontop of his brother’s and buried his face into the side of the bed, sobbing.

“They put his baseball cap on him.....” Howie said somberly, his voice cracking with emotion. Kevin and Brian nodded, wiping the tears from their cheeks as they continued to look at their friend.

“Why does he look so much thinner?” AJ gasped. “God, he looks awful...”

When Aaron’s sobbing grew louder, AJ stopped his verbal observation and lightly placed a hand on the young boy’s shoulder. “I’m sorry AC..... God, don’t listen to me kid, I just... I dunno I was thinking that Nick would be awake and talking and stuff.....I don’t know what...”

“We just want him well,” Kevin quickly interrupted AJ’s rambling before he said something more he would regret.

The tension hung in the room like a thick fog, only the sounds of the IV machines broke the silence. Aaron never left Nick’s bedside, laying his head next to the open space on the mattress and clinging to one of his hands.

The only activity in the room was when the ICU nurse would come in to check the IV’s or hang new bags on the pole. The last time she entered the room, she had to wake Aaron.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, but I need to get to this side,” she stated in a soft whisper.

Aaron looked up sleepily at the nurse, his face reddened on the side he had been laying, crease marks printed on his cheek. Without an answer, he let go of Nick’s hand and stood up.

“I don’t think he’s going to be waking up very soon, why don’t y’all take a break and get some coffee or something?” she suggested as she scribbled some notes on a slip of paper.

“C’mon AC, let’s go down and get a soda,” Brian encouraged.

Aaron shook his head. “No, I’m fine.”

“It’ll be AJ’s treat....”

“Whoa, wait a sec! my treat?” AJ rasped.

“Like you don’t have the money. Go with Brian and Aaron, besides I know you’re dying to have a cigarette,” Howie remarked.

AJ folded his arms across his chest. “Well, why don’t you join us?”

Howie sighed. “What difference does that make?”

“I said I was fine,” Aaron stated.

“Oh for chrissake,” Kevin huffed as he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. “Here.....just go get something....all of you!” AJ jerked as Kevin slapped a fifty on his chest. As he opened his mouth to make a remark, Kevin narrowed his eyes in a threatening way. “Don’t you dare open your mouth.....just leave!”

“C’mon, I guess someone needs to be alone,” AJ mocked as he wadded the currency in his fist and stomped out the door only to stop in the hall and turn when he realized no one was following him.

“We’re coming...we’re coming,” Brian announced as he put an arm around Aaron’s shoulders.

Once the group left the room, Kevin sat down heavily in a chair in the corner of the room. Sighing, he leaned his elbows on his knees and placed his head into his hands.

“Are they always like this?”

“Huh?” Kevin looked up, he had forgotten that the nurse was still in the room.

She smiled at him. “I asked if they were always like that?”

Kevin smirked. “Yeah, most of the time, but I think it’s all the tension that makes them a little squirrely.”

“I’ve been an ICU nurse for eight years and I can see that y’all love him very much.”

“More than you can imagine,” Kevin softly added. “Any idea when you think he’s going to be awake?”

“It’s hard to say, but according to the surgical notes, he was awfully nauseated so for him to be sleeping is a lot easier on him.”

The nurse paused for a moment and then quickly snapped on a fresh pair of latex gloves. Picking up a large syringe, she drew a milky colored substance from a clear IV pouch. A look of bewilderment crossed over Kevin’s face as the nurse lifted the covers away from Nick’s chest. Unsnapping the shoulder from Nick’s blue and white patterned hospital gown, Kevin cleared his throat.

“What’s that you’re giving him?”

Placing the cap of the syringe in her mouth as she swabbed the opening to the pouch with an alcohol swab, the nurse expertly inserted the sharp needle into the pouch. “It’s for his feeding.”

“Feeding? Oh, you mean that central line thing?”

“No, it’s for his j-tube..”

Kevin stood up to get a closer look at what the woman was doing. “Come again?”

“You know, his Jejunum tube?” She studied Kevin’s face as she answered. Once she realized he wasn’t understanding what she was talking about, she pulled the gown back to expose the end of a small tan colored tube that jutted from Nick’s abdomen. “You didn’t know about this?”

Millions of thoughts rushed through Kevin’s mind as he shook his head. “No... I know they had talked about this with Nick, but the doctor didn’t mention them doing this to him. Why did he get this and what is it?”

“It’s a line that bipasses his stomach and goes directly into his intestines. He was losing weight and with the advanced chemotherapy and knowing that he will be nauseated the doctors thought it would be best to get his nourishment this way,” the nurse explained.

Kevin ran a hand through his hair as he listened. “I guess if there wasn’t any other choice, it’s what had to be done.”

“Believe me, they would much rather see him get nourishment any other way, but this is what’s best for him.”

Kevin watched as the nurse inserted the syringe and slowly pushed the liquid into the shunt. “So he’s going to be here for a long time then?”

“Because of this? Oh goodness no, he’ll learn how to do this himself and we’ll have a caregiver come in too so it’s not going to keep him hospitalized.”

“Caregiver? No, he has us he doesn’t need that.”

“I was talking a hospice nurse...”

The word ‘hospice’ sent chills down Kevin’s back. The word hospice to him was always associated with death. “No, not Nicky, he’s got us.”

“And that’s a good thing to have support people,” the nurse agreed.

As the nurse removed the syringe, Nick started stirring. A soft moan escaped his lips and once again, his hands moved up toward the mask that was covering his mouth.

The nurse reached up and pulled the mask away from his face while keeping an eye on the oxygen saturation monitor. Reaching behind him, she lowered the oxygen levels, keeping the mask beside his face. “How are you feeling hun?”

Stuggling to open his eyes, Nick mumbled, “Like shit.”

“Hey Nicky,” Kevin softly called out.

Turning his head toward Kevin’s voice, Nick’s eyelids fluttered open.

“I’ve got to get a nasal canula, I’ll leave you two alone for a few minutes,” the nurse said quietly as she left the room.

Reaching down, Kevin took Nick’s outstretched hand and clasped it in a firm grip.

“Hey.”

As the nurse snapped up the shoulder on the hospital gown, Nick grimaced, closing his eyes. “Is something bugging you with the gown?”

Nick only rolled his head from side to side. He opened his eyes slowly, a questioning look on his face. “Did they get it all?”

Kevin gently stroked Nick’s shoulder, not uttering a sound.

Nick tried to clear his throat but gave up after the second painful try. “Kevin, did they get it all?”

“Nick.....they found another tumor....”

“Oh God,” he whispered.

“But Dr. Andersen said that they caught it in the early stages and if you hadn’t had this surgery, you could have been taken from us.”

“So they got it all?”

“Yeah, they got it.”

Nick closed his eyes as he absorbed the information. With his eyes still closed, he continued his questions. “Did they put that pump in too?” As he asked, a hand moved absently toward his stomach.

“Yeah, that was one other thing they did.”

Nick’s eyes quickly opened. “Other?”

Kevin sighed not wanting to tell his brother about the feeding tube. “Aaron and the guys went down to the cafeteria for a soda...”

“Kevin, what else did they do to me?” Nick demanded.

“Nick, maybe you should rest, I don’t like seeing you get so worked up.”

Nick locked eyes with his older brother. “No Kev, what did they do!?”

Kevin couldn’t look into his eyes, afraid of the reaction. “Nick, they put a j something into you for nutrition..”

“A what?”

The nurse entered the room and Kevin wasted no time in throwing the explanation over to her.

“Ask your nurse, she knows what that thing is.”

The nurse looked at Kevin questionably. “What thing?”

“The feeding thing...”

“Oh, the J-tube?” she asked casually as she slipped the nasal canula around Nick’s ears and into his nostrils. Nick grimaced when the aparatus was placed on him. “Oh, I know honey, you’ll get used to it in a little bit...sorry but doctor’s orders for this.” She paused for a moment as she adjusted the flow of oxygen on the wall behind the bed. “During surgery they implanted a feeding tube into your intestine for nutritional feedings. You are losing weight and with your chemo being increased....”

As Nick listed to the description of what had been done to him, his eyes welled up with tears. Although he blinked several times to keep them from falling, they finally started trickling down his cheeks.

“God, I didn’t want them to do this to me......”

“Nicky, they had to do this, it’s only temporary,” Kevin encouraged.

Wiping the tears from his cheeks Nick didn’t say anything. The nausea was starting to rear it’s ugly head again and he feared that if he opened his mouth he would start throw up again.

Sensing that something was wrong, Kevin leaned over the bed to look Nick in the eyes. “Nick? Are you alright?”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you feeling like you’re gonna get sick again?”

Nick’s eyes darted around the room as another bout of nausea surfaced and he started to feel the familar feeling of his stomach turning inside out.

“Shit, he’s getting sick!” Kevin mumbled, grabbing the basin on the stand beside the bed.

All Nick could do was lay on his side as his body was wracked once again with heaving. Kevin stood beside him, gently Nick’s back in small circles as his brother held onto to the mauve colored basin spitting bile into it a few times.

Whimpering, he rolled over to his other side, curling up as best as he could manage. “I just wanna die...”

“Aww, c’mon Nick, you’re gonna beat this,” Kevin encouraged, his heart feeling emotional pains.

“I just wanna die,” Nick softly repeated. “Just let me die.”

“Nick, you’re gonna beat this, you have to do it. I know it’s gonna be rough at first but give it a few days and you’ll be feeling better.”

“I don’t want this...”

“Nicky, you have to get through it,” Kevin persisted.

“Oh God,” he breathed. Suddenly, he rolled onto his other side, searching for the basin. Kevin quickly grabbed the bowl and handed it to him.

“I’ll draw more Phenegren up,” the nurse stated in a soothing voice as she hurried over to the cabinet where the meds were stored for her patient.

“It will stop the nausea,” Kevin commented as he rubbed Nick’s back.

Between the bouts of heaving, Nick gasped for air. The entire time of him getting sick, memories of him being onstage and singing flickered through his mind. As quickly as the memories appeared, they left and were replaced with a mental picture of how he looked now, thin, pale-yellow, bald and throwing up.

“Done?” Kevin asked when Nick laid back down and rolled away from the plastic basin. After waiting a few moments for the reply that didn’t come, Kevin gingerly took the basin and placed it back on the stand. Leaning over the bed, he pulled the covers upward, covering his ailing brother lovingly.

“Here Nick, I’m going to give you this for your nausea,” the nurse stated as she inserted the syringe into a spot on his IV line.

“Kevin?”

The sound of a man and a woman’s voice startled Kevin and he turned quickly to see who was calling out and Nick lifted his head to look as well.

“Oh my god, my baby.....”

The silence that hung in the air was thick. Nick wasn’t sure what to say to his parents or even his sisters that accompanied them. ‘How does a dying son say hello to his parents?’ Nick thought to himself. He was sure his parents were more than likely having a hard time coming to grips with looking at him; just as much as he was having a hard time looking at them and seeing the pain in their eyes.

Nick was far from stupid, he knew that the cancer had done it’s best to literally eat him up from the inside, leaving a gaunt, ghost-like shell of the person he had once been.

‘But what could he say to them to ease this lost feeling?’

“Mom....Dad, I missed you so much...”

Nick sighed quietly. Leave it to Aaron to bridge the gap of silence. As he laid his head back down ontop of the pillow, he heard the familar footsteps from his mother’s dress shoes and the scuffle of his sister’s feet. It was growing harder for him to keep his eyes open; the Phenegren was taking it’s hold as well as his taxed body craving the sleep he was so desperate in fighting.

”Oh...honey...”

He felt Jane’s cool hand touch his cheek and he could smell the familiar scent of her favorite perfume that she loved to wear. The scent that brought so many happy and loving memories to his thoughts was now starting to make his stomach churn and twist into knots.

“Hi mom.....dad.....guys,” Nick breathed.

“Shhhh....don’t talk, it’s okay son,” his father reassured, his voice choked with emotion.

“He just got a medication,” Kevin explained. “Don’t fight it Nick, you can visit with them later you know.”

Nick didn’t have the strength left to open his eyes let alone muster a reply. After a few moments, he had wished he had said something when he heard the whispers of the collective group around his bedside.

“Kevin, he looks so thin.....”

“He lost his hair.....”

“Does he still know what’s going on.....”

“Nick is fully aware of everything that is happening to him, and yes he has lost his hair, but it will grow back.”

He was relieved as he listened to Kevin explain everything that was happening. This would be less time spent on talking about the cancer and more time with spending the rare, precious moments with his mother and father and siblings, Nick thought.

The voices were starting to grow farther and farther away, and Nick finally allowed himself to be once again overtaken by the sleep his body desperately needed.

The reunion at the hospital was short and although Nick’s parent’s disagreed with Kevin and Brian’s insistence that they go back to Nick’s house for the night, they finally agreed.

Small talk was exchanged as everyone had gathered in the huge dining room to eat carry out Chinese food that Kevin had ordered. The food that had been dished out onto the paper plates ended up being picked at and shoved around more than it was eaten.

“Chinese is one of Nick’s favorites,” Leslie commented as she picked at the rice.

“What food wasn’t?” AJ chuckled, hoping to lighten the dark mood that was in the room. His face reddened when he saw the sharp glare that was cast toward him by Brian.

Sighing as he noticed that no one was eating the Chinese, Kevin tried his hand at cheering the room up. “C’mon guys, we gotta eat this stuff, it’s not doing anyone any good starving, besides, I pulled out Nick’s best table service.”

The room was quiet for only a moment until Jane Carter grinned and shook her head as she looked down at the paper plates and plastic forks. “Nick is such a confirmed bachelor. Does he own silverware and china anymore?”

Howie smiled. “Yes, and he even seemed surprised when I started using it.”

Jane Carter’s face grew serious once again. “So how bad is Nick?”

Kevin sighed heavily. This was a question he had been dreading since the Carter’s showed up at the hospital. He hadn’t even had a chance to talk to Brian yet and tell him about the tube feeding device. He exchanged a wary glance at his cousin. Bob Carter immediately sensed something was being kept from them.

“Tell us what is happening with our son.....please.”

Kevin looked at the expantant-filled faces that were staring at him. He shifted in his chair nervously, running a hand quickly through his thick, dark hair. He glanced over at Nick’s sibilings, pasting a thin smile on his face. “Why don’t we talk about this after dinner?”

“It’s okay to tell my parents and sisters,” Aaron offered quietly.

“Um, AC, I think it would be best to wait until after dinner,” Kevin repeated.

“We’re all finished Kev,” Brian replied.

Howie jumped up from the table. “I’ll clear the table and get some coffee started.”

Kevin quietly watched as Howie started to clear the paper plates, joined by Brian and Nick’s sisters. Silently, he prayed that this would take forever so he could avoid the subject that everyone was waiting to be discussed. His heart sank when Howie announced that the coffee would be ready in a few minutes.

“Why don’t we wait until we have our coffee before we talk about Nick,” Kevin asked hopefully.

Brian, Howie and AJ looked at their older brother with suspecion in their eyes. They knew him all-too-well and they realized he was stalling.

“Is there something more about Nick that we don’t know yet?” Brian questioned, panic starting to surface in his voice.

Wishing he could stall longer, Kevin stopped himself when he saw the worried look in the Carter’s faces as well as in his brothers. Running a hand over his face, he sighed before he started the explanation about the surgery; his brothers and Aaron already knew about that. He avoided looking at Nick’s parents when he talked about the new tumor, concentraiting on the checkered table cloth instead.

Clearing his throat, Kevin plunged into the next topic of discussion. “You remember when you were saying how thin Nicky looked to you....” he paused, thinking he would get some type of response, wishing something would be uttered to break the silent tension that filled the kitchen. “They had to put a feeding tube into his intestine.....”

“Nick didn’t want that!” Brian gasped.

“Nick didn’t have a choice!” Kevin spat.

“Oh my god, he’s dying then isn’t he?” Jane asked, her voice trembling.

Kevin reached over to the woman’s hand’s and clasped his ontop. “No.... no, they did this to keep him alive, don’t you see?” He locked eyes with the older woman, his tearfilled eyes matching hers.

Bob Carter’s voice broke, “Aren’t they just stalling?”

“They told me that this is up to Nick now, he has to fight this, they’re doing all they can for him.”

“And he will Mom, he promised me,” Aaron stated in a somber voice.

“Let's hope he can keep that promise,” Jane whispered.

A new day was dawning. A day filled with events and meeting people. A day that could turn into a total success but also a sheer failure and it was all in the eyes of the beholder. A day that could come and bring new meaning to life. A day like any other day if it weren’t for Nick being in hospital, batteling a terrible disease that was slowly eating him up, little by little.

Pulling the white sheet over his head like a cocoon, he did his best to block out the disturbing thoughts and images that were there to choke him. Wanting to go back to sleep he hoped he would wake up, realizing that it had all been a dream. A nightmare. When he opened his eyes Nick would be there by his side, healthy with tousled blonde hair, smiling at him. They would wrestle and then his big brother would tickle him and ruffle his hair in that same gesture that he came to both hate and love at the same time. Then Nick would be laughing, taking him in his arms and give him one of the biggest hugs there were. And then he would say that he loved him and would be there for him all the time, no matter what happened.

But this was just another dream that was shattered by reality.

The vision of Nick laying there in bed, looking pale and all skin and bones was etched in his brain. It seemed like an eternity since he had seen him laughing and acting like the brother he was used to knowing. Now days all Nick did was take small naps and be sick. The mere thought of having to spend his time with his brother made him feel positively ill.

He felt so bad for having these strange and mixed feelings but couldn´t help it. The person that was laying in the hospital bed attatched to all kinds of tubes and wires was not his brother. It was a stranger, a shadow of the Nick that he used to know and love. The warm feeling that he felt thinking about his brother was replaced with a mixture of sadness and anger. The latter surprised him since he knew it was wrong to be mad at someone that was as sick as Nick was yet he couldn´t help it. He felt angry at his brother for doing this, for making him feel so small and alone. For not being there when he needed him the most. Aaron knew he was being selfish but he couldn´t stand to see Nick in the condition that he was in. It hurt too much.

This was the reason why he hadn´t gotten up from bed although his parents had called for him several times already. He knew that he was late, yet he didn´t care. Instead he pretended to be asleep. It had been some time since they had called out for him and he was starting to think that they had finally forgot about him when he heard his mother’s voice in the staircase.

"Aaaaaarroooooon...Aaron honey, it´s time to get up now. We´re going to be late going to the hospital to see Nick."

Ignoring her call, he drew the sheet closer to his body so tight he could barely breathe. The thin veil was choking him yet he didn´t care since he wanted to feel the pain. It was the only thing that made him know that he was alive.

'I don´t want to go,' Desperation crept upon him. Tears were close to spilling on his cheeks and even though he knew he was acting like a baby he couldn´t help but feel like this.

His mother’s voice broke through his thoughts. "Aaron didn´t you hear what I said??? Aaaarrooonnnn??" He could hear his mother’s fast steps coming towards his room. Closing his eyes hard he tried to block it out, willing himself to sleep, but the next thing he knew he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him. "Honey, it´s tome to get up and get ready." The tone was soft, almost a whisper which resulted in his eyes tearing even more.

"I don´t want to go," he mumbled thickly still not looking up from underneath the sheets.

"How come?" The bed shifted when his mother sat down next to him.

"I don´t wanna go," Aaron mumbled thickly not looking. Heavy tears rolled down his cheeks yet there was little he could do to stop it. His mother tugged at the sheet.

"How come?" she asked, "Is it about your brother?

He nodded, the tears made his throat hurt for him to talk.

"Oh honey," she stroked his back in small circles in that way that only a mother could do. "I know it´s hard. It´s hard on all of us."

"I feel so angry at him." He was surprised that the words came out so cold almost like a cry for help. Afraid that his mother would be angry at him for bursting out like that he curled into a ball like a fetus.

To his surprise no such explosion happened instead she said calmly,"I know that you don´t feel like that, not deep in your heart." Aaron was about to object when Jane went on, "It´s ok really..it´s ok to feel this sad."

This time Aaron couldn´t be quiet, "I didn´t say I was sad. I´m pissed!" Glancing up from his sheet he was met with this mother’s concerned eyes. Shaking her head she continued,"No, it´s NOT Nick that you´re mad at. It´s the situation." Aaron rolled his eyes until she said, "It´s the cancer that is breaking it all up between you and Nick. Am I right?"

Suddenly it all was becoming too much and he wanted to end this conversation, but his body had other decisions, "Yes..yes," he choked out. "It´s true. I don´t want to see him this sick anymore." The emotions inside of him suddenly became too much and he began crying silently. His heart ached more than his whole body and it felt like he would explode, getting strangled. He had a hard time breathing and had to gasp for air.

Shaking her head Jane whispered, "Neither do I." Her eyes were filled with pain and tears and Aaron wanted to wrap his arms around his mother, comforting her since he knew how devistated she felt deep inside. Even if she did her best to hide it. "We have to be strong..strong for Nick!"

The despair took over. "I don´t want to be strong," he yelled. "He is slowly dying and he is leaving us..leaving me." Biting back the tears he felt like his heart was being ripped open as he came to the conclusion that the words he said could be true. For real.

"Sweetie." Tears rolled down her cheeks. He wanted to slap his face. Now he had made his mother cry too. He felt so bad for hurting her in the way he did and now he wanted it all to be over with. Feeling like there was no end to his pain he was on the verge of yelling. Screaming!

"I know it´s tough," she stroked away a strand of hair from his face that was glued to his skin. "No matter what we can´t loose our hope. Can´t loose faith." Turning to her son she continued, "We have to have faith in God. That He will make our son better. She wrapped him up into a tight hug, "No matter what," she went on, "No matter me and dad will be there for you."

The affection and love that his mother was sharing had him breaking out in a cry for help. "Moom," he said, "Mom I feel so bad. It is wrong not wanting to see Nick, I know..but I can´t help it. I don´t want to see him this sick again but there isn’t any choice." He knew that he sounded whiney, yet there was little he could do about it. The pain was too great.

Smiling through shed tears she said, "You don´t have to go if you don´t want to."

Startled, he looked up. What was she saying? Putting a finger to his mouth to silence him she added, "No listen. I´m sure that Nick wouldn´t mind if you wanted to stay at home today."

"Really?" There was doubt in Aaron’s voice.

"Um-hm. He will probably be asleep anyway, but when he wakes up I´ll tell him that you´re busy and that you will come with us tomorrow instead. He will understand."

"You don´t think he will be mad at me then?"

His mother made a small laugh, "Nick? No never..you know that there’s nothing that you can do that would make him upset."

"That’s not true," he commented, his mom frowning at him.

"What do you mean?"

"You said that Nick would never be mad at me and that´s not true."

A deeper frown was seen on Jane’s forehead, "Huh?"

"I know for a fact that the time I decided to shave his beanie collection he was VERY mad." He stated.

Jane started to laugh at the memory, "Yes honey..ok he is ALMOST never mad at you. Is that better?"

Ignoring her question Aaron continued, "And he was pretty pissed at me when I cleaned out his wallet and "accidently" threw away all of those names and phone numbers to the girls that he had received."

Jane raise an eyebrow, "Oh I didn´t know that one."

"No, but he was very angry at me for that, just as mad as when I decided to clean all his CD´s with steel wool."

"THAT time he was really mad," Jane laughed at the memory. "OK," she held up her hand, "Ok Nick DOES get mad, but not about you not coming."

"Ok."

Rising from the bed his mother said, "Ok then, I´ll tell Howie that you are going to stay at home with him."

"Howie? Why him?"

"Because he is staying at home today. There will be enough people anyway and Nicky really need to rest."

"Oh," Aaron stopped his mother who was almost at the door, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Mom?" he asked, "Mom do you think that he will be fine again? You know so he will be the Nicky that we use to know." He said the words fast like it hurt to spell them out. A shadow of sadness swept over his mother’s face.

"I hope so," she whispered, "Oh God I really hope so." With that his mother walked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her. Leaving him all alone to ponder the situation.

"Good morning Nick,did you sleep well?" a soft voice greeted him when he opened his eyes to the world. Slowly the view came into focus and he recognized the warm smile of the young hispanic nurse named Sonia. Blinking several times he tried to get his bearings and before he had a chance to say someting she put a cool hand on his forehead. As in reflex, he shrugged his face away, feeling much too akward that she was touching his bald head. He briefly covered his scalp with his arm. Noticing this she said softly, "Nick it´s ok. I´m just gonna feel if you have a temp."

"My..my cap," he mumbled hoarsly, eyes scanning the room for the wanted object. Without questioning him she opened a drawer in his bedside table and picked up the black baseball cap. "There you go," she smiled and put it on him.

Letting out a relieved sigh, the idea of having anyone witness him in this condition made his skin crawl, even if it was his family. There was a vague memory of being sick after the surgery yesterday and that his parents as well as siblings came to see him. There was a vision of his mother crying when she saw him and hopefully today when he felt a bit better he wanted to avoid such a scene. In silence he watched the young nurse pick up the thermometer from the bedstand, placing it in his ear. Laying there, his mind was deep in thought as he waited for the device to beep. Much to his relief his stomach didn´t hurt as much as yesterday and the nausea that had been his enemy most of the time seemed to be gone, gone with the wind. Finally.

The night had been pretty calm and he had actually managed to sleep a few hours without being woken up by either the dreadful nausea or the searing pain. The morphine that was pumped into his system had a good deal to do with that too, yet he didn´t care. It felt so good to be able to be awake without heaving his innards up.

A new glimpse of hope lit up in his mind. What if he actually was starting to get better? Maybe Dr. Andersen had been right, that they had managed to take the tumor when there was still a chance for remission. Upon hearing those words a new glimpse of hope light up in his mind. When he was told that they had found yet another tumor, his blood froze in his veins. According to the guys he would have been a gooner if they hadn´t caught that one. Yesterday, especially the evening had been in such a haze, still he knew that he was fighting the fight of all fights. The battle of his life. And for the first time it looked like he would come out a winner!

The beeping of the thermometer caught his attention and the nurse red the numbers before she clicked it off, shooting the cover into the wastebasket. He could swear that there was a troubled frown and he immediately wanted to know what was up with him.

She answered his question before he had a chance to ask. "You´re spiking a temp." She scribbled some figures on the clip pad infront of her, not looking up at him.

"Oh." Nick felt his mood lower a notch. Why did he ever think that something could go easy for him? "Is it bad?"

"No," she shook her head, "it doesn´t have to be, but every rise of temperature is a concern especially since you have been through a rather rough surgery." Noticing his worried expression she added with a reassuring smile "the elevated temp can also be because of the chemo. Some patients respond this way until the body has adjusted to the treatment." "Ok." Still he didn´t didn´t feel satisfied at all. His body was still very weak after the surgery and ANY complications could be fatal, especially since he had an increased dose of chemo running straight into his veins.

"Are you thirsty?"

What? Was she kidding or what? His throat felt like he had been through a desert storm and he was absolutely DYING of thirst. Dr. Andersen had taken the tube out of his throat since he had been vomiting so violently and they were afraid that he would suffocate. He had also a hard time talking with that device and it had made him anxious too. The icechips placed in his mouth felt like heaven and he could have eaten them all if the nurse hadn´t slowed him down.

"Take it easy," she said, taking them away from him.

He groaned. "Spoilsport." Suddenly he remembered another matter. He hadn´t been for ages to the bathroom. Not that he needed to, but it felt strange to know that he hadn´t peed since yesterday morning.

Either the nurse was a mind reader or his body language told him what was on his mind since she said, "You don´t have to bother about that matter. Your body will take care of it since you have a catether."

"A what??" He felt like he would burst. Had they put on one of those things that usually old people wore? And infront of this beautiful nurse too. Man this was really starting to suck.

"A catether," she smiled gently to him, "Dr. Andersen don´t want you up so shortly after the surgery so you have strict bedrest."

He couldn´t believe what he was hearing. A bathroom visit was out of the question..but what if he needed to do something more? Not that it was likely since he hadn´t eaten anything but you could never be too certain. His body had many times decided to give him one hell of a treat, especially when he expected it the least.

"Bu..but what..what if I have to do something else? You know?" He fidget uncomfortably, feeling a bit embarrassed to bring up the subject but somehow it had to be done.

" Then you will use a bedpan."

Groaning he could feel his cheeks go red. Hopefully none of the guys would catch him in that situation. It would be way too embarressing. During the years the guys had loved to tease him and even if he was laying in bed sick he was afraid that he would become the laughing object again. That he had enough of to last a lifetime.

Just when he thought that it couldn´t be more embarrassing the nurse added, "But that you probably won´t have to worry about for now since you have this IV running into your tigh."

The line! He had completly forgot about the feeding line and now everything felt dark again. With a sigh he reached with his hand towards the IV, "I´ll guess I won´t be getting a pizza any time soon, right?"

"Nope."

Her eyes clouded in sadness and he felt obligated to cheer up the situation the best he could. "That´s ok," he added with a chuckle. "They always said I needed to be on a diet anyway."

The tension was suddenly a bit tight in the room and when he didn´t know what else to say next so he closed his eyes instead. This was something he used to practice being on the road. He often pretended to sleep when it got too emotional or hit too close to home. Just when he opened his mouth to say something there was a knock on the door instead. Nick breathed out, he was once again saved by the bell.

The door opened and his mom and dad, Lesley and Angel walked in following by AJ, Kevin and Brian. The room was soon crowded with people. "Hello baby," his mother greeted him and instantly walked up and gave him a kiss on his forehead. Once again he was happy that the cap covered his bald head. His dad came over to him too, "Hi Nick." His large hands patted him lightly on the cheek, "How are you doing today?"

There wasn´t time to answer since both Lesley and Angel said a quick hello. He could see in their eyes that they were shocked and he wanted to do everything to spare them the pain. Yet there was nothing he could do. BJ, he knew was still back in LA since she had to do a modeling job. Yet Nick knew better. His oldest sister had a hard time dealing with sickness and death and he knew that it was her way to handle stuff like this, running away from it all. He couldn´t blame her since he didn´t know what he would have done in a situation like this either.

"Hey dude," It was AJ coming up to him. "I brought you this." He threw down a magazine on the bed.

"Shush," Nick tried to reach it, covering his mouth with one finger as to silence his friend, "I don´t want the kids to see it." With his tumb and a grin he motioned towards Angel and Lesley.

"What?" His friend looked like a questionmark until the lightbulb lit up. "NOOO It´s not THAT kind of magazine. You don´t think I´m a perv do you?"

"No I don´t think. I know." There was laughter in the room. Everybody seemed satisfied that he seemed that he was in great spirits. The old Nick was back again.

"Hey it´s good to see you in such a great mood," Brian grinned, patting him slightly on his shoulder in a friendly gesture.

"Yes," Kevin agreed, "it´s good to see you back man."

"Yeah it feels great to finally be able to talk without gagging all the time." He could have bit his tongue off since his words created a tension in the room. He quickly handed the Rolling Stones magazine that AJ had brought to the nurse, "Can you please put this on the bedstand?"

Nodding she did as he asked and then continued, standing up, "I´m sorry but Mr. Carter needs his rest. You can´t all be in here at the same time. I’ll have to ask some of you to leave."

Upon hearing these words Nick felt scared. He didn´t want any of them to leave since he needed them. Even if fatigue was setting in again and it would feel good to take a nap he still didn´t want them to go. There were nothing worse than being alone. "No that´s ok Sonia," he held up a hand as if to stop her, "They’re all my family."

The nurse, who looked ready to argue opened her mouth to say something when he gave her one of his ‘puppy dog eyes looks’ "Please," he pleaded in that way that he knew that she couldn´t resist. He had always been a woman’s man, old as well as young, grandmother and teenage girl, yes even small girls had fallen for his charm. Although he was laying there in bed with pale-yellow complexion, baldheaded, all skin and bone he still managed to charm the female side of the population.

"Ok," the nurse said with a sigh, "but don´t hesitate to press on the call button if you want me to come." Turning to the others she continued, "Nick has been through a difficult surgery and even if he is feeling better today he still needs to rest so therefore I would appreciate if you don´t stay too long. For his sake I mean."

Once the nurse had left the room Nick noticed that his little brother and Howie was missing. The latter he suspected had other things to do but that Aaron was not coming had him in for a loop. "Where´s AC?"

There was once again an uncomfortable silence in the room, but his dad was the one to respond, "Aaron is staying at home today. He isn´t feeling too well."

"Really what´s wrong with him?" Nick did his best to hide his disappointment. Especially since he felt that the reason for his brother’s absence was beacuse of him. There was no need of lying since he had seen it in Aaron’s eyes. His sickness scared him too much and he suspected that it was all getting too much for the fifteen year old. Even if everyone thought that Aaron was a hard head he knew that his brother was mostly a soft spot and he feared that him being sick was touching his bro more than he would ever admit.

"Oh he just had a headache. A migraine you know, and he was so sad that he couldn´t come." Jane sat down next to him on his bed. "Honey, Aaron said that he would come over tomorrow instead." He could feel his mother taking his hand in hers, "So how did you sleep last night?"

"Ok." Suddenly he didn´t feel very talkative. There was a pain in his body, or more likely in his heart. He hated to know that he was making everyone so sad and scared. He didn´t want to see those eyes looking at him like he would collapse any second. He hated it and when times were bad he wished that he was dead so they wouldn´t have to suffer on his account.

"D´sent his love too and he said he will be coming over tomorrow too." Brian added to the conversation that was becoming pretty tense again.

"Yes he is staying with Aaron today," his dad filled in. "Cool," Nick knew that they were lying. He knew that neither of them had the strength to face him. He´d seen it in Howie’s eyes too, the sadness, the fright. Maybe this was all hitting him too much since he was probably thinking about his sister Caroline too. Fatigue suddenly dwelled all over him and he was getting more and more tired as the time passed. He faked a yawn so they saw that he didn´t want to talk anymore. The good mood that he´d been in all morning was gone again, replaced by a sadness but also by a terrible fatigue sweeping all over his body. It was too tough keeping his eyes open and no matter how hard he tried he couldn´t get them to function properly.

"Are you tired honey? You want us to leave?" His mother asked, stroking his hand in the same way that she always did when he was a young boy. She used to do that when he was either scared or sick and it breathed comfort and love. Sometimes he longed back to that time when she was there for him all the time, this was way before he had joined the Backstreet Boys. It was before he had to go out touring and act more mature than he ever was. There were times when he wanted to be in her safe embrace, smelling her sweet perfume. Wanting to be a young kid again, being far away from all the worries and troubles that seemed to follow him everywhere.

He didn´t want them to leave yet there wasn’t a chance that he could stay awake very long either. "I´m sorry," he mumbled forcing his eyes to stay open. Kevin, AJ and Brian looked at him, silently with grave faces. He wanted to smile at all of them, yet he couldn´t even muster such a small task. The sickness was draining him out.

"Why are you sorry?" his dad asked with a frown. "Is there something on your mind son? Are you feeling bad again?"

"Should we call the nurse?"

His family were such worrywarts and he wanted desperately to comfort them, saying that it was all fine. But he couldn´t lie.

"I´m sure that all that is the matter is that Nick is very tired." Brian was talking instead of him and that he found himself being actually happy for. The nausea that he thought he had kicked was showing it’s ugly face again.

"Yes maybe we should leave him alone. Having so many people around is bound to be taxing." Kevin was taking charge now and despite the fatigue Nick couldn´t help but smile deep inside. All the years that he had known the older man he´d seen him taking charge. Not that he didn´t usually mind, no it was more that Kevin was the born leader and there had been many times when he had to lean against his friend. In some senses Kevin was more a parent than his biological ones. He´d been there in sickness and in health..and he knew that he would be there to death did them apart. Almost like a marriage or a family.

"Yes you´re right Kevin." He could hear his mother talking, directing orders to his dad and sisters, who hadn´t said much at all. "Bob take the girls back to Nick’s house with the guys. I´m going to stay here with Nick for now. He needs his rest."

"You don´t want me to stay too?" Nick could almost hear the disappointment in his father’s voice, "I mean so you can get a some sleep too honey. You know how tired you are."

Tired? Was his mother tired? Come to think of it he´d seen how pale she looked and the dark rings under her eyes that told him that she hadn´t been sleeping very well. He wanted desperately to ask her what was the matter and then tell her to get some well needed rest but when he heard his mother’s reply he stopped himself.

"No Bob I can manage just fine. I want to be here with our son."

"Ok then call if there is anything then," his dad commented.

Even tough Nick loved his family and "brothers" more than anything else he felt actually happy that they were leaving since his eyelids were like lead. No matter how hard he fought he didn´t seem to be able to keep them open. He wanted to kick himself in the head for feeling like this, especially since his mood had been on top. Once again he was starting to doubt that he would ever win this game.

Brian’s words cut through his thoughts, "Well man we better let you get some rest then and you know if you wake up and wanna talk or something give us a call." He felt Brian’s hand squeeze his own, "Take care and I´ll be back." His voice sounded strangely thick.

"Mmmm..." Words didn´t come that easy anymore, they seemed to be stuck and he fought deeper to fall asleep infront of them.

"See you later buddy," AJ leaned over him and whispered, "and yo Kaos, check inside of the issue of Rolling Stone..there is a small gift for you. In case you get lonley." He chuckled slightly as he tapped the young man on his head, "and dude you´re right. I AM a perv. Bye for now and stay good."

If Nick hadn´t been so tired he would have laughed his ass off, or said something witty back. It was so much like Bone to sneak a playboy in infront of his peers. The medication was making him very drowsy and after Kevin said goodbye he felt himself sinking further and further down. The sounds drowned away and his battle with sleep and sickness won.

As Nick slowly opened his eyes, his first thoughts were ‘what hotel was am I in’ which immediately was replaced with ‘who’s that girl sitting in the chair by my bed.’ He quietly put a hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes.

“Are you feeling okay, sweetheart?”

“Huh?” ‘God my voice sounds like hell......’ Nick thought as he cleared his throat.

Jane was quick to stand beside the bed, a cool hand laid on his cheek. “I asked if you were feeling okay, do you need something for the pain?”

Dazed, Nick had a hard time grasping what his mother was asking.

“You always were a heavy sleeper....I guess you’re not quite awake yet.” She quietly fussed with the blankets and took away a white foam cup that was sitting on the bed stand, placing it ontop of the small dresser that was next to the bed. Nick watched her movements, not uttering a sound.

“Honey, do you want something to drink?”

Gently rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Nick managed a slight nod. Jane took the white cup and walked over to the sink, running the water for a few moments.Too tired to talk, Nick just watched his mother. He was getting his bearings and everything came back to him quickly - everything including the sharp pain from the surgery and the ever-present nausea.

“Here you go,” Jane stated as she offered the straw to Nick’s lips.

Just as Nick sipped on the water, a nurse entered the room, armed with IV bags and other equipment.

“No... no, you can’t have that yet Nick,” she stated in an apologetic voice.

Jane pulled the straw out of Nick’s mouth. “He’s thirsty, I thought he could have some water.”

“Ice chips, he had intestinal surgery so he has to work his way up to fluids,” the nurse advised as she placed the load she was carrying onto the bed table. “I’ll go get you some ice in a moment.”

“I’m sorry, gosh, I didn’t mean to do something that would hurt him....” Jane apologized as she stepped away from the bed.

“It won’t hurt him, don’t worry,” the nurse said reassuringly. “Hey, Becca, can you bring some icechips in here for Mr. Carter?”

Jane jerked when the nurse called out to another woman.

“Oh, sorry... did I startle you?”

Jane pasted a thin smile on her face as she rubbed her arms. “It’s okay.” She watched as the nurse replaced the nearly empty IV bags with fresh ones on the two poles, charting what she had done on a clipboard that held green and white striped paper.

“Gosh, he really has a lot of those things,” she commented nervously, glancing over at her son. Nick hadn’t spoken when the nurse appeared in the room, he only kept drifting in and out of sleep.

Snapping on a pair of latex gloves, the nurse swabbed off the top of a bottle of clear fluid. “It’s time to flush your j-line, Nick.”

“J-line?” Jane questioned.

“His J-tube,” the nurse stated, only to notice that her patient’s mother still didn’t understand what she was talking about. “His feeding line?” She pulled the covers off to one side and lifted the gown to expose the area on his side where the tube was sticking out.

Seeing the orange tipped tube barely sticking out of her son’s side, Jane felt her knees go weak.

“Do you need to sit down?”

Jane swallowed hard, shaking her head. “No.... I’m fine, I guess I wasn’t expecting to see something like that.”

The dark haired nurse looked at her with concern in her eyes. “Are you sure?”

Jane nodded yes. “I’m fine.”

The nurse swabbed the end of the tube with a fresh alcohol pad and not missing a step, took a large syringe and injected a clear fluid into the vial. After she was done, she inserted the needle into the tube and pushed the fluid into the j-tube.

As the nurse was doing this, Jane watched Nick’s face to see if this was causing him any pain or discomfort. He appeared to be sleeping.

“Does that hurt him when you do that?” she wondered.

“No... no, maybe he feels a little discomfort at first because of the new surgery, but nope, he doesn’t feel pain from that.”

Jane watched as the nurse attached a clear bag with a dirty-white looking substance on a hook, threading the tube through another IV pump. Then she expertly inserted the end of the tube into another tube where a needle was at the end.

“What is that for?” Jane asked quietly.

“This is Nick’s breakfast and lunch,” the nurse commented as she inserted the needle into the j-tube.

“I thought that other large bag was for that,” she commented as she gestured toward the bag that emptied into the central line in Nick’s thigh.

“His central line is also for nutrients.”

“But why does he have to have this too?”

“Well, because he will spend most of his time with the increased chemo struggling with the nausea and decrease in appetite and he needs nourshiment to build up his strength again.”

“So this is something he will have to keep coming back to the hospital for?”

“No, he will be learning to do this himself in a day or two.”

Jane looked at the device and then down at her sleeping son. “Nick? I honestly cannot see Nick doing something like this.”

“You’d be surprised what he’ll do Mrs. Carter,” the nurse smiled. “Call when he wakes up again, I doubt his ice will still be there.” With that, the nurse left the room.

Blinking back tears, Jane stoked Nick’s cheek while she looked wistfully at her sleeping son. “I can’t believe this had to happen to you,” she whispered softly. “I’m so sorry baby.”

Bob Carter walked out towards the dock to join his younger son. Aaron had been sitting alone for over an hour and the older man was starting to grow a bit concerned. The only movements Aaron had made was to occassionally throw stones into the water from where he sat; a small pile had been conveniently placed next to him.

“Hey kiddo.....thought you’d like some company,” Bob called out as he approached. Aaron only glanced up when his father approached and quickly turned his attention back to the white caps on the gulf.

The wind had been playfully tugging at the young teen’s blonde hair causing Aaron to occasionally push the hair from his eyes with his hands.

“What cha thinking about?”

Aaron squinted as he looked over at his father, shrugging his shoulders. “I dunno, just junk I suppose.”

Bob leaned back on the dock and tilted his head toward the sky. “Just junk? I see....what kind of junk?”

Again Aaron shrugged. “Stupid stuff I guess.”

As the older man sat patiently for Aaron to talk, only the crashing of the waves and the squawking of the sea gulls interrupted the silence that hung between the two.

“Your mom told me about what you said this morning....”

Aaron’s head jerked up.

“It’s okay...”

“No it’s not..... I didn’t want anyone to know, God, I feel awful and now you know about it too,” Aaron tearfully interrupted.

“Calm down, son, you don’t have to get upset about it. It’s alright, I understand,” Mr. Carter stated in a calm voice. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Aaron rubbed and turned the rock he held in his hand over and over. “I dunno, I feel kinda funny telling anyone....”

“It might make you feel better,” Bob encouraged.

“I should have went today but I just couldn’t dad, and I’m a horrible person for not wanting to go.” Aaron paused, waiting to see if his father would stop him. After a few moments, he started pouring his feelings out. “I guess I’m having a hard time looking at Nick right now. It’s like it’s not really him at all. He’s so weak and he’s tired and sick most of the time. I’m mad at him for being sick like this, it’s not fair. I’m mad at him and I hate God for doing this to him!”

“You know it’s natural to be angry with Nick for getting sick and it’s normal for feeling anger toward God for this too, but God didn’t make Nick sick, it’s hard to explain, but I know it isn’t something that God did.”

“Howie said that to me too.”

“See, now if Howie said that you know he of all people would understand that.”

“Yeah, well I think that’s why Howie wanted to stay here today too. I think it makes him think of his sister when he sees Nick sick like this. I’m his brother though, I shouldn’t be this way, Nick needs me and I can’t face him. I’m scared of him I guess.”

“It scares me too. I couldn’t believe how Nick looked yesterday. It was a shock to your mother and I, but Aaron, we have to believe that the doctors are doing everything they possibly can to cure Nick and to keep him alive. We can’t give up hope.”

“I know dad, but I just can’t stand this anymore.....why can’t things be like they used to be?”

Bob placed a comforting arm around Aaron. “They will in time.....we have to believe that.”

Slowly opening his eyes, Nick tried to focus on the figure in the chair next to his bed. After several tries, he finally could see his mom slumped over to one side, a book folded underneath her arms.

As Nick looked at his mother, he couldn’t help but think how much older she appeared to him. The soothing memories of her when he was younger flooded back to him. He remembered when he was about six years old how she helped him learn how to ride his bike on his own. She had convinced him in her own sweet ways that she was holding onto the back of the bike and wouldn’t let go but before he knew it, she was standing at the top of the drive and he was all by himself and she was cheering and clapping.

The first time she actually listened to him when he sang for her..... her eyes were teary and her hands were clasped. The praise that she showered on him that day were numerous. The love she gave him that day seemed endless.

Things changed as he grew older and joined Backstreet. He became busier with his career and when Aaron’s starting taking off, he saw less and less of his mom. As he gazed at her, he knew that her love was still neverending. He felt sorry that it had to be this way that got her to see him again.

As Jane shifted in the chair, still sleeping, the book slipped out of her arms, falling to the floor. She jerked awake, startled by the noise. Looking over toward Nick, she was surprised to see him awake.

“I’m sorry, did that wake you?” she asked as she bent over to retrieve the fallen object.

Nick managed a small smile. “No.”

“You must have just woken up then,” she stated as she stood up, smoothing the wrinkles from her shirt.

“Ma, why don’t you go back to my house?”

“Nick, I’m staying here with you, I hardly get to see you anymore.”

“But I sleep most of the time anyway.”

“That’s fine too, you need your rest,” Jane asserted.

“And you need yours too.”

“Did you want your ice chips now?”

Nick smiled. “Yes, but don’t change the subject.”

Jane quickly bent over and lightly kissed her son on the cheek, a little shocked by the warmth of his skin. “I’ll go get you some.”

Before Nick could say anything, Jane was out of the room. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, he knew that her being there and being with him was her way of making up for him living on the road all those years and more importantly her way of blocking out the certainty of the cancer and what could possibly be his last year of his life.

As hard as he tried, the sleep wasn’t coming easily for Kevin. He had talked to his wife only a few hours ago and yet something seemed to be weighing heavily on his mind, preventing him from easing into the slumber his tired body needed.

He leaned up on one elbow to look at the digital alarm clock. Groaning, he laid back down and rubbed a hand over his face. He had tried to go to sleep for roughly three hours without any luck. Flipping the covers off his legs, he sat up and grabbed his dark blue robe, jerking at it until his arm found the sleeve.

Quietly he made his way down the back stairs to the kitchen. He decided that maybe a glass of warm milk or a snack may help him to sleep. Keeping the lights off, he padded slowly down the carpeted steps, his hand gripping the rail lightly.

As he got toward the bottom of the stairs, a light was on in the kitchen, lighting the landing. Deciding that someone must have left the light on, Kevin was surprised when he discovered AJ seated alone at the table. He was even more surprised to see a bottle of whiskey on the table and a glass - both empty.

Kevin grabbed the chair opposite of AJ. “Mind if I sit?”

AJ glanced up, his eyes were red rimmed and teary. “Go ahead.”

Neither man spoke for what seemed like an eternity, but finally AJ broke the thick silence, laughing for no reason.

“I was gonna sit here and drink myself until I couldn’t feel anything anymore, but I couldn’t do it......” he paused as his fingers played with the label on the bottle. “I guess I’m a fucking coward.”

Kevin shook his head. “No AJ, you’re not a coward, you would have been a coward if you drank.”

AJ wiped the tears that ran down his cheeks. “Yeah I am.... god, I’m so stupid.”

“J..... beating yourself up isn’t going to help you feel better and you know it.”

Shrugging his shoulders AJ seemed to agree with the older man’s statement. He reached up to the front pocket on his tee shirt and pulled out the pack of Marlboro cigarettes and his lighter. “Guess Nicky won’t kill me if I smoke in his house, would he?”

“No... but Jane might,” Kevin pointed out.

“Jane can blow me,” AJ rasped as he stuck the unlit cigarette between his lips, clicking the lighter open with his free hand.

Kevin frowned as AJ deliberately lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag, the sound of the tobacco burning seemed to linger in his ears. “Hey, that’s not nice to talk about people like that,” he reprimanded.

“I agree, but you see, you’re talking about people and that Jane Carter is lower than road kill as far as I can tell,” AJ commented, blowing the smoke out as he spoke.

“Oh? Why do you think that?”

AJ shook his head. “Don’t you see how fake that woman is? I thought it was obvious.”

“I still don’t see what you’re getting at.”

“God, you really are thick headed........ the woman is fake, she blew off Nick for years only showing up when it counts and now when her son is sick and in the hospital and the media knows about it......boom! Jane Carter shows up.”

“I doubt it’s that way AJ.”

“Christ, you really don’t see it.........think about it, when did Nick ever talk about his mother? He rarely talked about his family doesn’t that account for anything?”

“Maybe he’s a little more private than you know,” Kevin defended.

“Private my ass,” AJ glowered, unscrewing the cap off the bottle. He was stopped by Kevin’s hand ontop of his. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Stopping you from being stupid.”

“I’m not being stupid.....I want to have a drink and I can drink when and where I decide.”

“J, listen to me for once in your life, please? You’ve been to counseling for alcohol addition and we’ve all been so proud of you, Nick included. Drowing your feelings in a bottle of whiskey isn’t going to cure the pain and I know if Nick knew you were planning on this because of him, he’d be really upset. He’s got so many things that are against him right now in his life, don’t add to it AJ, please?”

AJ leaned back in his seat, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “God.....this really sucks man. I wish this shit happened to someone else, not that kid!”

Kevin didn’t answer, he only reached out and placed a firm hand on AJ’s forearm.

“Peachy,” Nick mumbled, smiling slightly.

“Well your chart said you’ve been doing pretty good today, no vomiting or nausea complaints?”

“Same ole same ole,” came the quiet reply.

The doctor peered at her patient over the tops of her reading glasses. “Nausea about the same then?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“He hasn’t gotten sick at all today, he must be doing pretty good with the chemo,” Jane noted as she smiled down at Nick.

The doctor placed the chart on the bed and walked over to the sink to wash her hands. “Nickolas is a tough cookie,” she said as she dried her hands off with a paper towel. “Now, I’m going to check your incisions on your abdomen, is it okay if I look or would you like your mother out of the room?”

Nick looked over at her mother. “She’s okay.”

Dr. Andersen pulled back the blankets and then lifted the side of Nick’s gown. His stomach was still very distended and discolored from the surgery. “Have you been passing gas yet?”

Nick’s face turned a shade of crimson after the doctor asked him that question.

“Oh, there’s no need to be embarrassed by that question, we all do it,” the doctor stated with a wry smile.

“I think so,” Nick mumbled, his face still reddened.

“What did you say?”

Nick cleared his throat and spoke up this time, “Yes.”

“That’s good, I hear your bowels are sounding active so that is a good sign,” the doctor noted after she lifted the steoscope from his stomach.

Nick wanted to sink under the covers. Having a doctor, no less a woman discussing private things like gas and bowel sounds in front of his mother was more than he could stand. Thankfully, she changed the subject.

“I’m thinking since you’re making such excellent progress, tomorrow we will have you sitting up in a chair and maybe walking a little bit.”

“S-so soon? I’m still sore,” Nick stammered.

“The quicker you get up and around, the better you’ll feel.”

“I can’t wait until you’re able to get up and walk around Nick,” Jane gushed. “You’re doing so much better than what they expected, right doctor?”

“Well, he seems to be making good progress, yes,” the doctor agreed.

“Other than being tired and pale, I would have a hard time believing you’re sick, Nick,” his mother smiled as she rubbed his shoulder.

Nick placed a thin smile on his face. He knew what she was saying outloud was more for her benefit than anyone’s. He could tell the moment he saw her face what she saw when she looked at him. It hurt him knowing that he made people upset and uncomfortable when they caught a glimpse of him.

Dr. Andersen could see that her patient was deep in thought. “Is something wrong Nickolas?”

At first he shook his head, afraid to let on his feelings, but quickly changed his mind. “My stomach is really starting to bother me, it feels weird.”

“Did you know you’ve been hooked up to your feeding IV all this time?”

Nick jerked his head over to the direction the doctor was pointing at. To his surprise, he saw a bag that was just about empty and a long line snaking down the pole going under the edge of his blankets.

“Probably the feeling you’re having is something you haven’t experienced for quite sometime, the feeling of actually being full.”

Nick rubbed his face with an open hand. “Yeah.... I guess.”

“The nurse told me that you will be doing this on your own pretty soon, I still can’t believe that one,” Jane commented as if it was something she was proud of.

Nick shut out the notion of him hooking himself up to a liquid pouch on a daily basis to keep alive. This whole cancer thing had gotten way out of hand, he decided. Two years ago, everyone was making comments about his weight, calling him fatty, chubby, chunky and lard ass. If he could take those people back then and transport them into the future, would they have been so quick to judge him back then? He wondered bitterly.

“Nickolas, do you need anything before I leave for the night?”

“My stomach really doesn’t feel good.”

“I’ll put an order in for something for your nausea. You have a good night’s rest, okay and I’ll see you in the morning, goodnight Mrs. Carter.” With that, the older woman left the room.

“Wow Nicky, isn’t that wonderful? You get to sit up out of bed tomorrow and maybe even walk!”

Nick didn’t answer his mother, he barely managed to smile. His stomach was bothering him so much it was draining all of his energy.

Jane had been curled up on the pull out mattress that the hospital supplied for her so that she could spend the night with Nick. The nurse had been in and out during the first few hours after they had turned the lights out; checking the IV’s and checking Nick’s vitals among other things, so her sleep had been anything but peaceful. Nick somehow seemed to be immune to all the interruptions, soft snoring sounds were coming from his bed.

As she laid in the darkness with only the dim light from the hall filtering through the open doorway, she kept thinking about how well Nick seemed to her. She had been preparing herself for the worse after she had read up on all the horror stories and nightmares about chemotherapy and what it can do to a person’s body. Granted, she was scared when she first saw how Nick looked after surgery; so thin and pale and all of his blonde hair gone.

She cried so hard that night. She had never felt so scared in all of her life. Her oldest son was so sick and she feared she was losing him that day when she saw him after only being away for a few months after he told them about the cancer.

But now he was doing much better and he would be walking sometime in the morning. Jane could feel the happiness in her heart. Her baby was going to beat this.

She was slowly drifting off to sleep, visions of Nick during happier times when he was healthy edging into her mind. He was smiling and laughing, teasing his siblings and just being the prankster he had always been.

His laughter grew louder and louder and then suddenly it wasn’t laughter anymore, it was gagging.

Gagging?

Jane jerked awake trying to leave the sounds of her dream behind her, but when she awoke, she realized that the gagging wasn’t in her dreams.

”NICK!” she gasped, stumbling toward the bed, nearly knocking over the IV poles in the process. ”NICKY! OH GOD...WHAT DO I DO? SHOULD I GET A NURSE?”

Nick could only gasp, not able to catch his breath with the bought of dry heaves his body was wracked with. He reached out and grasped the bed rail, his eyes watering, blurring his vision.

Jane went into a full panic, running out into the hall after she hit Nick’s nurse call button. ”HE NEEDS HELP IN HERE! HE NEEDS HELP NOW!”

A group of three nurses rushed down the hall toward the screaming Jane Carter. As they entered the room, one of the women quickly flipped on the overhead light, finding Nick curled over, small amounts of vomit on his sheets and down the front of his hospital gown.

Nick couldn’t speak, he was still wretching so hard that his body convulsed with each new course of throwing up. To make matters worse, something else had happened during this wave of vomiting. To add insult to injury, his bowels decided to let go with a bout of diarrhea that he had no way of stopping.

He felt miserable and he just plain wished he could die. Life was starting to suck more and more.

Once Nick had seemed to calm down with his vomiting, one of the nurses suggested that she call Dr. Andersen to authorize another medication to calm his nausea down. Another nurse quickly left the room and reappeared with a armful of linens and towels.

”He shouldn’t be getting this sick! Why aren’t you doing more for him? What is going on that he is throwing up?” Jane demanded as she watched the calm attitude that the nurses were displaying.

As awful as Nick felt, he didn’t have the strenght or the will to tell his mother to calm down. He felt more embarrassement than anything else. His bed smelled foul and as he laid in it he wished that he could just die and be spared the further embarrassment of being cleaned up like an infant.

“Mrs. Carter, you need to calm down, we’re doing all that we can for Nick and you getting adgitated isn’t helping him any. If you’d like, you can go down to the waiting room while we take care of Nick,” a nurse quietly suggested.

“N-no, I’m fine, I just don’t understand why he is so sick,” Jane stated as she folded her arms across her chest.

“Unfortunately, this is one of the side effects of chemotherapy and Nick got a good dose of it tonight and I suspect there will be more of this for awhile. We’re going clean him up and make him a little more comfortable and hopefully get him back to sleep after his tummy settles.”

Nick groaned inwardly. They were talking in front of him as if he were a small child. He wanted to protest and say he could do this himself, but he was too weak to even open his mouth. The bought of nausea had physically drained his body of all energy.

“Nick, is alright if we clean you up or would you like a male nurse and orderly to do it?”

Nick wished that Brian was here, he would have been his first and only choice but all he could do was mumble the words “anyone is fine.”

He prayed that this would be over soon.

Nick groaned. Never in his 23 year old life had he puked this much as he had done during this hell night. Every bone in his body ached and no matter what he did the nausea wouldn´t let up. The medication he got a little over an hour ago had done little good and he was still heaving up his guts like there was no tomorrow. It hurt his stomach so much since all he could bring up was bile and a transparent foul smelling substance. It smelled and looked so bad that it made him gag over and over again.

A vicious circle that he couldn´t break.

"I´m so..sorry," he choked out, heaving for the umpteenth time that night. His body was wracked with spasms and chills, making him feel small, like a young kid.

"That´s ok honey, just let it all up," the fat middle aged nurse said softly, while holding the curved emisis basin in front of him. Rubbing his back in small circles she whispered soothingly, "Everything will be fine, just relax."

Nodding he tried to hold back the tears that blurred his vision. "It..it hurts so..so bad," he sobbed, holding his hand over his stomach, trying to supress the cramps that made his innards feel like they were being ripped out. "Mom?"

"No honey, your mother went outside to make a phone call," the nurse smiled as she helped him to lay back down in the bed. "I will go and talk with the doctor on duty and have him order another medication for the nausea. A stronger one. Hopefully this will do the trick." She patted him on his cheek, "Try to get some rest and if you want something just press the button. I’ll be back soon."

"Ok," he whispered, too weak and drained to make his voice heard. His lips felt so dry that he would have killed for something to drink. Yet he knew that he wasn´t allowed anything else but ice chips since any substance just made him sicker. Closing his eyes he tried to think positive.

'Think positive thoughts Nick..think,' he urged himself while trying to quell the nausea and dizziness that was lurking behind the corner. Threatening like a beast to hit him whenever he expected it the least. His mother had thought him to always look at the bright and positive side of all situations, including a time like this. Miserably he decided that this was going down as one of the worst nights in history and not for all the money in the world he wanted a repeat performance. Yet there was very little he could do about it.

His body didn´t give him much respite and when he wasn´t heaving his guts up he was wracked with gut wrenching cramps that made it impossible to lay still. To his dimay he suffered from a very upset stomach which had resulted in several bed changes making him even more embarrassed than he ever thought was possible. He was actually greateful that there were very few to witness him in this position since the mere thought of someone finding out about his "situation" made his ears blush. The nurses had been kind to him, soothingly telling him that it was ok and that this was something that happened to most cancer patients on chemotheraphy. It was one of the nasty side effects that he could do without.

Wiping away the tears from his cheeks, he wanted someone to be by his side. Not wanting to be alone. His heart ached when he had watched the fright in his mother’s eyes and even if he knew how much he hurt her by being this sick he still wanted her to be there for him. To stroke his face, whispering that everything would be just fine. But no such thing had happened.

Instead she had been totally hysterical, running in and out of the room yelling at the nurses that her baby was in pain and that they were pure incompetent that they couldn´t stop her son for being sick.

He felt so embarrassed and he didn´t know what was worse. Him being sick like an infant or his mother yelling at everyone that were doing their best to help. If he hadn´t been so weak he would have told them to shut up but then she would have been upset with him and the last thing he wanted was her to be mad. He wanted, no he desperately needed her by his side since he was afraid to be alone. Such contradictions.

But that was impossible.

His mother was a bundle of nerves and the way she acted she couldn´t give him comfort, instead he had to face this battle alone. The three nurses that had been surrounding him had tried to give him the comfort that he so desperately wanted. But that was not enough. It would have felt good if it had been his mother that had wiped off the sweat on his forehead and rubbed his back when he felt ill instead of a total stranger.

But what else could he expect?

In the past it had always been his dad that had been there for him when he was sick being on the road. Strangely he hadn´t giving it much thought since she was mostly busing taking care of his siblings, attending one event after the other with them. Instead it had been his father who had been at his side in all kinds of situations. It was Bob who had been to the pharmacy in a strange European country, not understanding a word, asking for pain relivers for Nick throat that was so sore that it was bleeding. He was the one that had stayed up all night rubbing lotion on Nick’s blisters when he had been out too long in the sun when they were on vacation in Mallorca. It was Bob who used to rub his back in small circles, whispering comforting words when one stomach bug after the other had attacked him on one of his tours in Europe. And it was he who wiped off the sweat off his forehead when he was too weak to do anything but lay in his bunk, moaning while fever chills wracked his body.

Still he wanted his mother to be there for him when he really hurt even if he always got the same response; "Honey I would love to be there with you, but I have to take Aaron or BJ to this event. I´m sure that Bob will help you out." She was too busy taking care of the others, being the "perfect mom" to know how much it hurt him inside. With jealousy he had watched her being both comforting and soothing to the others when they were ill. Just not never there for him.

Jane had a positive personality. She tried to see the good in all situations, sometimes so hard that she stuck her head in the sand, not wanting to see any problems. A smile was never far away and she never ceased to tell anyone how proud she was over her five beautiful children. To the public she was the Perfect American mother that managed to raise five wonderful children as well as being a business woman. He knew that many people admired her for this and he did too, in a small extent. Beacuse there were a side too, that wasn´t as glamorous.

It was like she was afraid seeing him sick or sad. Being vulnurable.

Whenever her "baby" seemed down or something was wrong she tried her hardest to cheer him up. To her he was obligated to look happy, smiling even when he felt like the whole world would collapse. When he complained she kept telling him how fortune he was to be in the position that he was and that there were many youths that wanted to be in his shoes. This was one of the reasons why he hadn´t told her about his cancer until it was too late to hide everything.

But even when he felt hurt by her actions he still knew that she was doing her best to help him out. Her positive thinking had helped him a long way on the rocky road and he knew that this was her way of caring for him. She only wanted him good. Wanted him the best.

In an early age Nick had learned to trust his own instincts and to solve his own problems in the best way he could. Smiling and thinking positive. Those times when he couldn´t cope any longer he turned to the guys or to his dad. Usually they were there for him, giving him a hand and to say the least he had become mildly surprised when his mother had volunteered to stay with him at the hospital. He´d felt relaxed being together with her and they had actually chatted a bit in between his naps until his body had decided to betray him and she became just as scared as she had always been.

He didn´t know what was worse, having the aches and the lingering sickness or seeing the hurt in her eyes when she looked at him. It made him want to do everything to spare her the pain, after all she was his mother and he loved her.

************************************************************************ ************************************

He must have dosed off for a few minutes since the next time he opened his eyes he found a nurse as well as his mother standing by his bedside. Both with a concerned expression on their faces.

"Hey baby how are you feeling?" Jane asked gently before feeling his forehead. With a frown she turned to the other woman, "He seems a bit warm to me."

The redhaired nurse that didn´t look much older than him felt on his forehead before stating, "It´s from the chemo. It can make him a little warm." She picked up a syringe and started to prepare him for another injection.

"Really?" Jane snorted. "Well I have raised five children and to me it looks like he is running a fever."

"It´s one of the side effects of the chemo, elevated body temperature," the nurse explained before turning her attention to Nick, "Hello Nick. I´m Anna and I´m here to give you some medication for the nausea."

"Hey," Nick mumbled, for a moment feeling bad that he looked like complete crap when such a good looking nurse was tending to him. But soon his thoughts were forgotten when he heard his mother sneer in the back.

"Where did all the other nurses go?"

Groaning Nick wanted to sink through his bed. Why did his mother have to be such a bitch?

"They had other patients to tend to," Anna said while she injected the syringe into the IV line. "This might burn a bit as it goes through your vein. It can also make you want to urinate but don´t worry it the feeling will quickly disappear, making you sleepy instead."

"Ok." God did he feel stupid, yet there were very little he could do but wait for the medication to take effect.

"Will this really make his stomach problems go away?" There were serious doubt in his mother’s voice and he knew that she was questioning the young nurse’s compitence.

"Yes, I hope so." She pulled the syringe out of the line and then placed it on the table in front of her. "He´s been giving a rather strong dose and usually this will work out fine, but it´s important to know that each individual responds differently to the medication." Her voice was a bit shaky as she looked into his mother’s eyes.

NOOOOO Wrong answer!!! Nick wanted to yell at her not to get into the trap that he saw his mother had set up for her. It was clear that she didn´t like Anna at all and he had seen his mother crush people that were much stronger just like that.

"What?"His mother’s voice was hard, "I hope that you´re not saying that you don´t know how my baby will react to the medication. That you don´t know what you are giving him?"

Now the nurse was getting nervous. Her eyes flickered as she said, "No Mrs. Carter I was just stating that every patient can respond differently and that I don´t know how Ni..I mean Mr. Carter will respond." She wasn´t prepared for the fight that Jane was aiming for. "But I believe that this will make him feel better."

Looking at his mother he found her standing there, arms folded, lips pursed like a mark ready to go into full battle. "Little girl, I´m NOT interesting in what you are thinking. My son is paying a great deal of money and I want the best of treatment there is. Not some girl that is barely dry behind the ears to administer him his shoots." Staring hard at the nurse who seemed to crumble in front of his mother’s eyes she continued with much authoritiy. "I hope you are not using my son as a guinea pig!"

The nurse, shocked by Jane’s acting, shook her head vigorously. She was very surprised over the uncomfortable scene the rich woman was making. "NO..NO I can assure you that Mr. Carter is getting the best treatments. Dr. Andersen is a highly respected oncologist."

Nick felt so bad for her. His mother could be such a rag when she wanted to and to tell the truth he wouldn´t want to be an enemy with her either. "Mom," he whispered hoping that she would understand that he didn´t want a fight. That she would surrender peacefully.

But she did no such things instead she held up a hand in air to stop him. "No Nick..I know what I´m talking about. Trust me." Turning toward the poor young nurse that looked scared out of her witts she snarled, "You better be telling the truth since if I find out that you are not giving my son the best treatment there is I will personally sue this hospital."

Anna looked like she was ready for an escape. "Ye..Yes," she whispered her eyes scanning the room for a refuge.

This last words were too much for him. He was starting to get enough of his mother’s constant nagging at everyone. If he had the strength he would have told her off yet the medication was starting to take it´s toll on his body. Making him sleepy. "Mom please.." he started just to get cut off again.

"Hush Nick, I´m just helping you out."

"But Mom you don´t need to.." Once again she didn´t listen, interrupting him as he talked.

"Baby I´m your mother and I know what is best for you." When he didn´t seem to get too excited she added, "Honey you will get the best there are out there..I will personally see to that so that you can get well again." She smiled at him, "As soon as this nurse leaves," she pointed at the scared girl, "I have an susprise for you." Kissing his forehead she whispered, "My baby boy deserves the best."

Nick felt like a small child. Her strong purfume was ready to choke him and he wanted to scream at her to leave him alone. Instead he gritted his teeth knowing that when his mother started there were no way of stopping her. He just had to bare with the situation. The medication was making him drowsy. Yet he couldn´t make his body relax long to fall asleep. His mother was making him nervous.

As soon as the nurse had left the room he could hear his mother sneer,"Quack!" Turning towards Nick she asked, "Did your tummy finally settle?"

"Mmmm." His brain felt like mush. He was so tired that every word was making him confused and disoriented and he was fighting hard to keep his eyes open.

"Oh honey," she stroke his head softly, "You have no idea how scared I was when I saw in how much pain you were." Her eyes were filled with tears.

Feeling bad for making his mother so upset Nick quickly said, "Mom it´s ok. I feel so much better now. If I can just sleep I will feel.."

Not listening her eyes were suddenly filled with happiness. The tears were all washed away and intead she said with the widest smile, "I have the best news for you."

"Huh?" He couldn´t help to wonder, fear, what she was up to now.

"Honey like I said, I didn´t want to say anything while that tacky nurse was in the room." There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice before she quickly changed her tone. "Sweetie I have called one of the best oncologists in the world! His name is Dr. Blake Griffith and when I told him about your situation he volunteered to take you in. Isn´t it great?" Her eyes were shining like a child waiting for santa. "And I haven´t told you the best thing. It´s on the west coast, In LA! Isn´t it wonderful?"

Nick couldn´t believe his ears. What she saying? Had she called another doctor? Without his knowledge? His temper rose and he had to bite back to control his anger. What business did she have to do something like that?

"Dr. Griffith has treated many promintent Hollywood celebrities." She laughed like a school girl ready for her first prom. "Darling don´t you see..This will be great. You will be able to stay near us. With our family and we can visit you everyday."

Nick felt like he would choke. "No mom..I don´t want to go." His voice was weak since drowsiness was settling in and he had a hard time talking. Why was she doing this to him? Tears pricked in his eyes.

Jane didn´t take a no for an answer. "Baby don´t you see..you will be with the best of the best. Not some quacks that doesnt know what medication to give you." She pointed at the IV line running to his side. "You deserve so much better than being stuck to something like that." There were disgust in her voice.

"Mom I need that one..that is my food," Nick tried to reason with his mother but he knew it was fruitless on the way she talked like he wasn´t in the room.

"Dr. Griffith is very prominent in research too and he had tried different methods too," she smiled at him, "Imagine you will get a doctor that people line up to be come to. I´m so happy..for your sake."

"No..No.." He could feel the desperation setting in. "Don´t you understand..I don´t want to go..Moom!!" He pleaded so bad even if he didn´t have the strength to open his mouth, much less talk. "Dr. Andersen IS the best and I like her." He looked at her, stubbornly. " This is my home and I ain´t going to some damned hospital in LA!" His body started to shake from the exhaustion he was feeling as well as from the tension creeping up inside off him. He felt so helpless.

Couldn´t his mother see that he wanted to stay here in Florida?

Jane Carter was not pleased with her sons outburst, "You have to look at the positive side." Her tone held a different sound, a more authoritive one, "Nick you have to listen to me. That female doctors of yours might be good but now we are talking about the BEST. Dr Blake even treated Elisabeth Taylor from her cancer." She smiled. "Imagine baby, you are getting true celebrity. You could end up in the cover of Peoples magazine!"

So that was it! Even when he was lying in the hospitalbed with tubes sticking out from everywhere she was still thinking of media and business. He shook his head even harder, making his stomach doing sommersaults in the process. "NO..NO I ain´t going to leave Tampa. EVER. So stop running my life!"

Piercing her mouth hard, in a thin line, Jane snarled, "You have always been too stubborn for your own good." Folding her arms she continued, "Very well Nickolas, if you want to stay here you can do that. I am NOT going to force you. If you are willing to loose your one opportunity to get healthy I´m NOT going to stop you." She looked hard at him, "God Nick, I wish that you stopped thinking of yourself for once." With that the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Now Nick felt bad. He was making his mother cry. Again. "Mom..I didn´t mean to sound so angry. Please forgive me." His voice started to shake when he grabbed for his mothers hand.

Wiping her tears away she said with a sob, "I wish that you could have just listened. It would have been so perfect. You could have lived with us instead of being cooped up in this southern..southern hole."

Her words were meant to be soothing, yet they felt sarcastic to him and he let go off her hand immediatly, "Mom.." he said with a slow tone. " Mom that place that you call a hole is my home. And I ain´t leaving." The medication was really kicking in and he was so sleepy that he had a hard time keeping his eyes open.

Jane opened her mouth to say something nasty back but stopped herself in the process. Taking a good look at her son she noticed how exhausted he looked, "Darling..I´m sorry. I can see that you are tired." She stroked his cheek gently, "It´s my fault I made you this upset. I should have known."

Looking up briefly Nick felt a hope lit in his heart. Was she finally listening to him? Did his words come through to her? But as fast as the hope was lit as fast was it gone.

"You are much too tired to think. Now get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day. We will talk about this when you feel more rested and I´m sure that you will look at it from a different perspective." Smiling she continued, "Honey you deserve the best and you will get it."

Too tired to fight his mothers argument Nick could feel his body finally giving in. He wanted to say something, wanted to scream yet all he could do was nod and close his eyes. Letting sleep finally come.

His body was completely dissing him and if feeling this sick was the price he had to pay to stay alive he didn´t know if he wanted it. Sometimes death seemed like his only option.

Glancing to his side he found his mother sitting there in the armchair with her laptop on her knees. She was taking the opportunity to work and judging by the frown on her forehead she was engrossed in writing some kind of business deal. For Aaron no doubt since Nick knew that it was out of the question for his part. His dream of making a solo album was slowly going down the drain together with the new BSB record.

He knew that the fans were expecting another album out in the fall and he felt bad for disappointing them. But right now his first priorites would be to concentrate on surviving. Wouldn´t it?

Brian had told him yesterday that the fans were sending him get well cards and that there were girls sleeping outside his hospital to hear how he was doing. Kevin had also filled in that they had put up a donation to victims of Hodkgins Disease and Liver Cancer in his honor and lots of fans were supporting him all the time.

They were showing him all their love and yet he couldn´t return it.

His thoughts were making him dizzy from all the rumbling inside his head. Maybe he should have given them a speech, telling them all that he was still hanging in there, if only by a loose thread. He should thank them for all the support they were giving him and that they were sticking by even when he had his worst moments. Yet he knew that an official speech was out of the question. He knew that the way he felt he was too weak to do such a thing, hell he was too weak to even wipe his own ass.

"Mom?" he croaked out, his voice hoarse and weak from the previous nights dryheaving. His lips were parched and his breath tasted like a rat had died inside. In short terms he was still feeling like hell.

Instantly his mother stopped her typing, looking up from her work, "Yes? What is it? Is something wrong?" Not waiting for an answer she asked, "You want me to call for a nurse?"

"No." He shook his head. God, why did she always assume that something was wrong when he wanted to talk to her?

"Then what is it honey?" She put the computer down on the floor. Suddenly her tone changed, "You don´t feel sick again do you?" He could see the fright in her eyes when she asked him that. He couldn´t blame her.

The sickness had been pretty bad and he´d been sick on and off throughout the night. The medication he’d received had done little good and every time he thought he kicked it and 'This is it!' he was proved differently and his body had wracked him with another set of spasms. He´d dryheaved so badly that he ended up with a nosebleed and between all the vomiting he was also suffering bad bouts of diarrhea which resulted in embarrassment but also that more energy was being sucked out from him.

It had been hell!

"What day is it today?" It was taking him all the strength he had to talk and his throat felt so dry. Oh how he wished he could have something to drink.

"Thursday..why honey?" She sounded puzzled.

Thurday? Wasn´t it today that the guys were going to have that big meeting with the record company. he sighed. Another meeting that he couldn´t attend.

"How long have I been here?" His thoughts were blurry and he could feel exhaustion setting in. It annoyed him since all he did these days was lay in bed, being sick.

"Since Monday when you had surgery." Her eyes were following him like she was trying to figure out in advance what her son was thinking of.

"Damn that long." She shot him a disapproving look, but he ignored it. "I´ve been cooped up here for three days?" Shit it was slowly sinking in to him that there had not been a day when he had been nothing but sick. Although he knew that his prospects were not good he hoped that today would be the first when he didn´t feel like he wanted to stick his head down the toilet and flush.

"Are you feeling any better now?"

Looking at his mother he thought for a while. How was he feeling? The nausea that had lingered there like a mean enemy was not as bad as it had been. Yet he knew that it could sneak up on him when he least expected it. Like a killer in the night, making his life miserable.

"Mmmm..a bit better." It wasn´t entirely a lie since he was actually doing better than what he´d done for the past 24 hours even if it didn´t prove much. Not wanting to talk about his health he changed subject. "Do you know if dad or one of the guys are coming over today?"

"Yes they will be here later," his mother looked at him, "But do you think you are well enough for having visitors?" There was doubt in her tone.

"Uh huh," Nick felt annoyed. Why did she have to act like he was a cripple? "I said I was fine didn´t I?" God she could make him feel so small.

Jane sounded hurt, "Nicky I didn´t mean to question you..it´s just that you´ve been so sick and I don´t want you to overdo it."

He felt bad. Why did he have to sound so irritated with her when he knew that all she wanted was to make him feel good, even if she had a strange way of showing it. The memory of her yelling at the nurses and telling him to get transfer was still in the back of his mind. Even though he´d been as sick as a dog she had been very persistant. Telling him to go to LA to some specialist.

"I know what my limits are...thank you." He sneered a bit too hard than he intended to and once again his mother got hurt.

"Nick you think that I don´t want the best for you..but that is not true. It hurts me so much to see you in all this pain." A tear trickled down her cheek which she quickly wiped away. "I know that I have not been the best of mother for you in the past..but Nicky I love you and I want you to get well again."

Now he felt really bad.

"I´m sor..sorry mom," he choked out, voice thick from emotions and sickness. Why did he have to be such a monster? Doubting his mother and her intentions when all she wanted was to comfort him, making him feel good again.

"Nick you´re being way to stubborn for your own good and you´re taking the words all wrong. Seeing just what you want to see." She sighed, "Just like your dad."

He looked away, not wanting to get into another discussion with his mom. There had been so many lately and he didn´t know if he had the energy to do so.

"Nick I don´t like that attitude towards me when all I want is to help you out." She shook her head, "I´m just doing all of this for your own good and I want you to have the best." There were a brief pause before she continued, "Even if it means that you have to move to LA with me."

That last sentence he could have done without. So all this sweet talk was just to get him to change his mind to go with her back to the city of angels? Man that kind of affection he could do without. "How dare you tell me that you care about me when all you want to do is run my life?" His voice was very shaky and so was his body. He shivered from anger.

His mother’s hand was instantly there on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. "Sweetie take it easy..it´s not good for you to work up a temper."

"No leave me alone." He shrugged her hand away, "Get off me. I don´t want you here if all you want to do ís running my life."

"Nick you have to listen to me..I´m doing it for your own good, getting your transferred."

If the young man had been upset before, it was nothing compared to what he felt now, " You´re what??"

"Honey..I talked with the management and as soon as you´re feeling better you will get transferred to LA:" She smiled at him. "I know that you´re mad at me but you have to trust me. I know what is the best for you...after all I´m your mother."

He didn´t know if it was the last months tension or the fact that his mother was one more time trying to control his life, but something inside him suddenly snapped. "Get out!!! Get the hell out of my room!!! he cried, tears rolling down his face "GOO!!!I don´t want you back!! EVER!!!"

His mother looked at him like she´d seen a ghost. Saying nothing she ran out of the room, slamming the door in the process. Leaving a sobbing son in his bed.

Nick laid in bed in a daze, staring at the window. He hadn’t uttered a word to anyone that came by to visit, nor had he spoken with anyone on the hospital staff. He had basically shut himself off from everyone and everything.

“Hello Nick, I’m Doctor Price.”

Slowly closing his eyes, Nick didn’t wish to engage in a conversation with anyone, especially another doctor. He decided that this was just another one of his mother’s schemes to get him to agree to go to Los Angeles so she could run his life.

He was convinced that everyone was against him and he had to fend for himself.

“Dr. Andersen wanted me to stop in and chat with you.”

Nick kept his eyes closed. In his mind he felt that if they thought he was sleeping people would leave him alone and go away.

“I know you’re not asleep, you need to talk to me about what’s going on.”

’Boy this woman sure is persistant,’ Nick thought, a bit irritated.

“I can wait this out as long as you’re content on playing oppossum.”

Nick rolled his eyes underneath his closed lids.

“Do you want me to leave?”

’Wow...she really is perceptive,’ Nick thought darkly.

“I’ll leave when you tell me what’s going on.”

He could hear the scuffle of her feet on the tile. He had learned to recognize the sounds of people’s footsteps and knew the sound of Brian’s from Kevin’s or his favorite nurse’s. The creaking of the chair indicated that she had sat down next to his bed, the faint smell of her perfume made his stomach churn. ’Didn’t anyone tell her that perfume made him sick right now?’

“I’m waiting.....like I said, I’ll leave when you tell me what’s going on.”

As much as he wanted to keep quiet, he wanted her and her smelly scent out of his room. He finally caved in.

“I just want to be left alone please.”

“Ah.....you are awake.”

“I thought you said you knew I was.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t sure.”

“So you lied to me then.”

“I just want to talk to you about some stuff....”

“I really don’t feel like sharing things with strangers, okay?”

“It won’t go anyplace but here Nick.”

“I really don’t want to tell you or anyone what I have to say, okay? Just leave me alone.”

“Why do you want to be left alone?” the doctor pressed.

Sighing heavily, Nick focused his attention back to the window. The doctor waited a few moments for him to respond before she prodded him again. “Please tell me....why do you want to be left alone? Is it because of what your mother told you?”

Nick jerked and looked at the woman with hard eyes. “Who told you about that?”

“You tell me what you think I know.”

Nick laughed sarcastically as he shook his head. He started picking at the thin green blanket on his bed. “You mean how she wants me to be ten years old again?”

“Is that what you think she wants?”

He never took his attention off the blanket. “Yeah.....it’s pretty clear to me that’s what she wants.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Oh....I dunno.....just the part about ‘as soon as you’re able to, I’ve made arrangements for you to be taken care of by the best cancer specialist in the states and I will move you out to Los Angeles so I can take care of you.’ Correct me if I’m wrong but that sounds to me like she wants to run my life.”

“She only said that because she loves you and is worried about you...”

“She never really loved me... she loved the mon....shit....just forget about it. I’ve talked now please leave me alone!”

“Tell me more....”

“No! I said I was done!”

“It’s been three days since you threw her out of your room.....three days since you’ve spoken to anyone,” the doctor recounted as the tears that were welling up in Nick’s eyes threatened to spill.

”GO!”

“You have to face this.....”

”GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

Dr. Prince opened her mouth to try and convince her patient that he needed to speak but was stopped when he pulled his nurse call light out of the socket, setting the CODE alarm off. Within seconds, five nurses rushed into the room, expecting to find their patient in cardiac arrest.

”GET THAT WOMAN OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!”

“I’m leaving Mr. Carter, but you cannot keep running from this. I will be back in a few days.”

Nick’s eyes bore through her skull as he stared at her. His heart was pounding so fast and hard, it felt as if it would leap out of his chest. The anger he felt well up inside of him was the same feeling he had roughly three days ago when his mother tried to run his life.

“Nick you know better than to pull that cord out unless it’s a true emergency,” an older nurse chastised.

“I just want people to leave me alone,” he mumbled, returning his gaze back out the hospital window.

Kevin Richardson quietly entered his young brother’s room. As usual, he found Nick sleeping and he was careful not to wake him from his much-needed rest. He gingerly stepped over to the chair that was positioned in the corner over the room and slowly eased his lanky body into the soft chair.

“Why are you here?”

Kevin jumped when he heard Nick’s gravely voice. “I thought you were sleeping, I’m sorry.”

“I told everyone not to bother coming up here anymore...why are you here?”

Kevin sighed heavily as he looked at Nick’s pale form, wrapped in blankets. “Nick, why do you have to be so dang stubborn?”

“It’s my choice and I’m not being stubborn......I just don’t think you guys need to waste your lives catering to me....I’m not gonna live much longer anyway, you have your lives to live...”

“Nickolas Carter!”

“It’s true......I’m not going to be around for very much longer....I know I’m not...”

“Why would you even say such a thing?” Kevin interrupted.

“I dunno.... just a feeling.”

“Nick, you can’t give up on yourself, we are counting on you getting your butt better so we can start planning on our future, you can’t even possibly think of giving up when you realize that there are a bunch of people counting on you.....people you don’t even know....”

“Save the speech.”

“Listen......you pushed other people away but you don’t realize that I’m just as stubborn as you are and I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me.”

“Suit yourself but I’m not gonna be good company.”

“I don’t care...... I think I’ve seen the worst of you so far so I doubt you could do anything that would scare me away.”

The silence that fell between the two men was thick, not to mention the tension that was in the air. After several minutes had passed, Nick finally relented when he realized that he couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Um Kev?”

“Yeah?”

“I need help getting up....”

“Getting up?”

“Yeah I want to use the bathroom and I’m not gonna use no fricken bedpan or that damn bedside commode. I wanna use the real thing,” Nick explained quietly, his face a mixture of embarrassment and sickness.

“Are you sure you’re suppose to be doing that?”

“Not by myself,” Nick grunted as he managed to pull his body into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.

“Tell me what you want me to do...” Kevin asked as he rushed up to the side of the bed.

“Just take ahold of my arm and for God’s sake, don’t let me fall.”

Kevin looked wearily at the IV poles that were situated on either side of his young brother. Although they had removed the central line, Nick still easily had seven or eight bags hanging from the poles.

“Are you sure that you should be doing this?” Kevin questioned again.

“Yes I’m sure,” Nick replied, irritation evident in his voice.

Taking a deep breath in as he walked to the opposite side of the bed, Kevin manipulated the IV pole around to the same side that Nick was sitting. “How can we do this.......”

“I’ll take this pole and you can take the other one,” Nick stated with confidence in his voice.

Kevin looked at the poles, an eyebrow raised in question. He wasn’t sure if this was something either one of them needed to be doing and he was afraid that Nick would be hurting himself in the process. He positioned himself beside Nick and the IV pole he was to be guiding. Tenderly, he placed a hand on Nick’s upper arm. “I gotcha.”

Mentally going over the process of how he had been instructed to stand up earlier, Nick planted his feet, shoulder width apart on the tiled floor. Shakily, he slowly stood on his feet, gasping when pain from his surgical incision made it’s presence known.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Nick grunted through gritted teeth. “Keep going.”

Nick’s slow, shaky steps had Kevin wondering if this was something he honestly should be doing. He hadn’t heard that they were allowing Nick to walk and he was mentally questioning Nick’s insistance that he could be doing this *on his own without medical assistance.*

After a few long, agonizing minutes, they finally reached his goal, Nick’s now noramlly pale complextion flushed and sweaty. “I can manage from here,” he panted. He braced for Kevin to release the firm grip on his arm.

“I don’t think you can.”

“Listen, it was bad enough that I was forced to shit in a pan the size of a tea cup in front of an audience, I think I know what my limits are and I’d really like some privacy for a change!”

“I’m glad to see your stubborn side hasn’t been affected.....sorry, but I’m taking your stubborn butt in there.”

“I really wish you wouldn’t,” he protested.

“Nick, I’ve been through a lot with you lately, this is just part of the process of getting better, besides, wouldn’t you rather it be me instead of a woman?”

Nick hesitated for a moment and then a smile spread on his face. “You are a woman.....”

Kevin lightly slapped Nick on the shoulder. “Just get your boney butt in there..”

That was something that Nick thought he would never hear any of the guys call him after years of being called a fatass now he was being dubbed ‘boney butt.’ He smiled despite himself.

He couldn’t reach the toilet fast enough and it took everything in him to prevent an accident from happening. “Kev, I think I can manage from here.”

“Nope.... you’re stuck with me at your side, sorry.”

“I really don’t want you to see this....”

“Nick, I think I’ve seen everything, don’t worry so much and let me help you for crying out loud.”

“So you’re not gonna leave?”

“Nope.....why is this bothering you so much?”

“I dunno......”

“Awww Nick, don’t feel embarrassed.....it will get better again......I know it will.”

Nick looked at his brother with tearfilled eyes. “It’s so embarrassing though...I’m sick of having this.”

“Nick don’t worry about it, it’s something you can’t help. Seeing you like this reminds me so much of my father when he got sick. It’s hard to watch someone you care about go through this. I kinda know how you feel after watching my father.”

“They probably get sick of changing the sheets I guess,” Nick remarked as he wiped his eyes with a finger. “A nurse told me that diarrhea is the body’s way of getting rid of something that is bad in your system.....you know, like toxic stuff.......I suppose it’s gonna be this way until I adjust to the higher chemo and the tube stuff they’re giving me.”

Kevin wrapped his arms around Nick in a fatherly hug, saying nothing as he rubbed his brother’s back.

“I need help sitting down,” Nick asked quietly. Kevin quickly pulled away and instantly help guide his brother. “Could I be alone for this?”

“I don’t know....”

Nick looked up at Kevin. “I’m not going anywhere and I swear I’ll call you when I’m done.”

Kevin didn’t budge from where he was standing.

“I’m serious!”

Folding his arms across his chest, the dark haired man sighed. “That’s not what I’m worried about......I’m afraid you’ll feel sick or faint or something like that...”

“I said I’m gonna be fine, you gotta believe me.....I swear I’ll call you if anything happens okay? Please, can’t I be by myself for once?”

Reluctantly, Kevin edged his way out of the bathroom. “Just so you know, I’m gonna be standing outside the door.” Seeing the look of dismay on Nick’s face he quickly added, “with the door slightly open.”

“Geeze....this isn’t exactly the privacy I had in mind.”

“It’s this way or I stay in here.”

“Okay....okay......Can you at least go watch tv or something.....please!”

Kevin grinned at Nick’s self consciousness. The guy had practically grew up on the road stripping his clothes off and doing other normal things in front of him and now all of a sudden, Nick had grown modest. He decided he could understand the embarrassment of the situation and granted, if he had been in it himself, he would probably want to hold onto some sort of dignity.

Walking over to the bed, Kevin tried to make himself busy by straightening up Nick’s sheets and blankets, smoothing the wrinkles out of the linens.

“Where is Nick?”

Kevin turned to adress the woman’s voice. “He’s in the bathroom.”

“Oh, a nurse answered his call light,” she stated more to herself than Kevin.

“No.....I helped him in there.”

Quickly, the nurse laid the items she had carried into the room, on the table and rushed toward the bathroom. “By himself?”

Kevin followed the older woman. “He said it was okay.....I didn’t know he wasn’t suppose to be left alone.”

Ignoring Kevin’s explanation, the nurse knocked on the door. “Mr. Carter.....I need to come in.”

“God....leave me alone!”

“You know you’re not suppose to be up walking unless someone is with you!”

“I told you I helped him,” Kevin snapped.

“I’m coming in!”

”NOOOOOOO!”

The nurse burst into the bathroom finding Nick still sitting down, an angry and embarrassed look on his face. “You better not try to pull this stunt again.”

“All I wanted was to be left alone for a few minutes,” Nick mumbled.

“Believe me, I honestly know what you’re telling me and I understand your feeling of being monitored too much, but you’re too weak to be doing any of this on your own. Just use the call button and we’ll all get along.”

When the nurse turned her back to look at Kevin, Nick rolled his eyes in a dramatic way, and Kevin quickly had to bite his bottom lip and look away before he started laughing.

“I’ll leave the door open.....as we’ve done in the past and you tell me when you’re finished so we can help you back to bed.”

“It would be pretty damned obvious when I’m finished don’t you think?” Nick shot back sarcastically.

“Do you really think that’s necessary?” Kevin asked the elderly nurse.

“When he’s on my clock...yes, it is necessary,” the nurse spat.

“Where’s Kara?”

“Vacation day.”

“Who’s Kara?” Kevin questioned.

“She’s like the only good nurse I have around here,” Nick stated crisply.

“Kara has a passion for letting her patients control her, however, I run things by the book and the only way you’re going to recover is by the book young man.”

“Can you close the door now so I can do what I wanted to do in the first place without an audience?” Nick stared at the nurse as he waited for her reply. After a few moments when the woman didn’t answer him, he made an attempt to stand up on his own.

”SIT BACK DOWN!”

“Then let me have some goddamn privacy!”

Sighing, the nurse reluctantly pushed the door partway closed, leaving a good space away from the door jamb.

“I have never in my life had a patient as stubborn as this young man,” the nurse sputtered.

“Looks like Nick’s met his match,” Kevin chuckled.

The redheaded nurse shook her head as she walked over to the bedstand to line up the IV bags and gather a few items from the locked medicine cabinets. Kevin watched with curiousity as she lined three cans and a large syringe and what looked like a water bottle on the table.

“What’s all that for?”

“It’s his nutrition,” the nurse stated mechanically.

Kevin picked up a can and looked at the label. “Ultracal?”

“That’s what his doctor ordered for him.”

“So this is what he gets for food now?”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t look like much.”

“He gets this four times a day, equal to 3,000 calories.”

“Oh.”

Kevin’s next question was interrupted when Nick called out that he was ready to get back up. The nurse hurried over to the bathroom, Kevin in tow. No one made any comments as Nick was helped back to a standing position and slowly helped back to his bed. When he was finally situated in the bed, the nurse told him that he was going to learn how to do his own tube feedings.

“I was hoping I’d be off that crap when I get discharged,” Nick muttered.

“Sorry, but I can estimate that you’ll probably be on this for at least another three maybe four months,” the nurse stated mechanically.

“Oh boy,” Nick rolled his eyes.

“You know you have to be responsible for administering your feedings once you’re discharged from the hospital.....are you his patient caregiver?”

“I guess you could say I’m one of them....yeah,” Kevin replied.

The nurse went over each piece of equipment with Nick, telling him what they were and how many times a day he had to “hook up” to the pack that was going to be provided for him. She also stressed the importance of flushing the tube line out each time with sterile saline and the importance of giving himself the potassium and the vitamins that will be liquid. The bad side effects would be nausea for roughly thirty minutes after absorption.

“Good thing you aren’t getting sick from the chemo,” Kevin pointed out.

“Yeah, that would be a wonderful thing to have ontop of this shit.”

The nurse didn’t add anything to the men’s observations, she chose to let them have the belief that Nick was out of the woods with his prolonged nausea and vomiting from the chemotherapy.

“Okay Nick, I’m going to watch you.....” the nurse stated as she stood back, arms folded across her chest.

“Ick.....this stuff smells like shit,” Nick commented as he poured the gooey substance into the sterile IV bag. He followed the nurse’s instructions to the letter and to an outside observer, Nick appeared to be an old pro at hooking himself up and setting the IV rate at 70ml. Once he was finished, he settled back into his pillows, a slight grin on his lips, obviously satisfied with his accomplishment.

“I’m impressed,” the nurse mused. “I was planning on going over this with you several times.”

“You only have to tell me something once.”

As the nurse started to pick up the cans and syringes, a soft knock grabbed everyone’s attention in the room. Nick leaned back further to see who was in the doorway. His mouth dropped open when he saw his father standing there with Brian, both with sad expressions on their faces.

Instead of a warm greeting from Nick that both Bob Carter and Brian Littrell had been anticipating, all they received was a cold stare at their faces. The icy reception was felt even by Kevin and he quickly attempted to make everyone feel comfortable.

“Hey.....I’m surprised you’re here so early.”

Nick glared at Kevin. “You knew they were coming?”

“Kinda....sorta, no big deal.”

“Mom must have sent you here to talk me into going out to LA,” Nick mumbled.

Bob shook his head negatively in reply. “No, I just wanted to stop in before we leave.”

Nick’s hardened expression softened. “You’re leaving?”

“I’m sorry to say, yes. But it’s not because of the words you and your mother had,” Bob quickly added. “Aaron has a recording session that has been scheduled for months and the producers were very adamant that he keep the schedule and you know how producers are....well them and your mother.”

“I guess.”

“We don’t plan on being away from you for too long though, son. I’m really having a hard time leaving the way things are right now.”

“Maybe it’s better this way dad,” Nick reassured. “I’m not much company as it is and I think I can do better without everyone around, I sorta feel like I have to be doing things when people are around, ya know?”

“Besides, I’ll still be here for you, right Nick?” Brian added quietly.

Nick shook his head. “You should be home with Leighanne not here with me and you know it, dammit.”

“She’s been doing fine and I’m only a phone call away,” Brian stated as he patted his pager that was strapped to his belt.

“But still...”

Kevin interrupted Nick. “Hey Nick, me and Bri are gonna go down to the cafeteria and grab a cup of coffee and let you and your dad talk, okay?”

Before Nick had time to object, Brian followed his cousin out of the room, leaving Bob alone with Nick for the first time in months. Bob Carter took a couple of hesitant steps toward the empty chair that was next to his son’s hospital bed. He sat for a few moments, his head bowed, praying for words of wisdom to enter his head.

“Nick.....leaving you right now I think is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’ve stood by your mother in so many things but you have to believe me that when she told me about her contacting another specialist, I was in shock. Your mother really does care about you, she just has a funny way of showing it, I guess.”

“Dad I.....”

Mr. Carter held up a hand to quiet his son. “Let me finish. What I wanted to say to you but more important, what I needed to tell you is that I am totally against what you mother was trying to do. I fully respect your decisions and your wishes with this ca..ca...”

“Cancer,” Nick finished the word that his father kept choking on.

Bob laid a hand on the side of the bed. “I just feel so torn right now it’s unbelievable.”

Nick placed a hand ontop of his father’s. “It’s okay dad, I know what you mean.”

As he looked at his son, his eyes brimming with unshed tears, mirroring Nick’s eyes. Both men stared for a few moments, not uttering a single word, no words needed to be said, they knew each other’s thoughts the only way a father and son could.

After a few moments of silence, Bob noticed that Nick’s color had started to look ashen. “Are you alright?”

Nick shook his head no. The feelings that he had hoped had left him for good had suddenly surfaced and it took everything in his body to try to wish the nausea away. He knew the repeated cycle. With the nausea came the vomiting.

Nonstop.

“Did I upset you in some way?”

Again, Nick could only shake his head no. He was afraid if he opened his mouth to speak that it would trigger vomiting. He had thought this had left him for good and now for no reason at all, it was upon him again.

“Do you want me to get a nurse?”

Nick’s eyes quickly scanned the table and his bedstand looking for a basin to throw up in. He akwardly reached out for the desired object only to sent it to the floor on the opposite side of the bed from where his father was standing.

The dry heaves that started set Bob into motion, practically running to the other side of the bed to retrieve the basin. He quickly shoved it underneath Nick’s chin in time to catch the first round of saliva and bile that was coming up.

“I can’t stand this....I’m going to get a nurse!”

Nick was too preoccupied in trying to gasp for air to protest his father’s urgency in finding a nurse. Being through this so many times before, Nick knew that this was yet another wave that would have to run it’s course before he would get any respite.

It seemed like his father had only left the room two seconds ago when he came rushing back in....and much to Nick’s dismay, he had the ‘old bitch of a nurse’ in tow.

“I’ve never seen him this sick before, something isn’t right!”

“Mr. Carter, I can assure you that this is absolutely normal for chemo patients and I might add that Nick has just administered his vitamins and potassium into his IV pack so that would tend to cause stomach upset for a little bit. This is nothing to be concerned over.”

Nick did his best to block out the nurse sharing his condition with his father as he continued to dry heave.

“But he can’t even catch his breath.......there has to be something you can give him!”

Nick wanted to argue with his father that the only things they can give him wind up making him so sleepy that he can’t keep his eyes open. Granted he was sick of heaving but he was even more sick of sleeping 20 hours a day.

“I can administer a combination of anti-nausea meds, it will take a few moments for me to draw them up,” the nurse stated.

“I don’t care how long it takes, just do something NOW!”

“D-Dad.....d-d-don’t,” Nick choked out as he tried to catch his breath.

“It’s alright, she’s going to make it stop,” Bob said as he rubbed his son’s back with a gentle touch.

The nurse reappeared, three syringes in her gloved hand. Laying them onto the table, she expertly wiped off an area on the IV line. With a swift motion, she uncapped the first syringe with her teeth as she held the line with one hand and the sryinge in the other.

“He’s never had this mixture before, but in my years of oncology nursing, this is the stuff that stops almost everything. I really don’t know why they haven’t tried this on him yet,” the nurse explained as she picked up the second syringe.

Nick could feel a funny cool feeling in his chest where the IV was connected in the port; the medication going into his bloodstream. By the time the third syringe full of medication was pushed into the IV line, true to the nurse’s words, his nausea vanished and was replaced with a different feeling.

Trying to recall when he felt the way he was feeling at that moment, Nick could only remember the one time he had been out with AJ and had been persuaded to try marijuana - He had felt like he was floating and at the same time had a “shit faced grin” pasted on his mouth for several hours, as he recalled. At this very moment, the meds the nurse had given him made him feel totally relaxed and almost like he was floating above his body.

“Feeling better Nick?” the nurse questioned as she fussed with the collar on the hospital gown.

“Oh yeah,” Nick replied in a sing-song voice. “I feel wuunnderfullllll.”

Bob Carter held a worried expression on his face as he looked at Nick’s cheeky grin. “He looks like he’s high.”

“What on earth did you give him?” he questioned.

“An anti-nausea cocktail.....something I’ve been giving my patients for years,” the nurse stated defensively.

“But is he suppose to act this strange?”

The woman pushed the empty syringes into the sharps box on the wall in a hurried motion. “Everyone responds differntly.....Nick just chooses to be relaxed and considering what was going on with him a half an hour ago, I’d say this is much better, don’t you think Nick?”

Turning his head to look at the woman, a lopside grin was on his face. “Yep.”

The nurse looked at her patient’s father. “See?”

“All I can see is that Nick is medicated out of his mind. Look at him! He’s stoned!"

The nurse stopped short of the door and turned around to face the older man. “Nick is in a secure hospital setting and like I just told you, every patient reacts to medications differently. He’s never had something like this before so his body isn’t used to it. I think my years of experience as an oncology nurse far outweighs your experience of being his friend. I’m doing what I think is best for my patient and by the looks of things right now, Nick is doing far better than he was ten minutes ago straining to vomit on an empty stomach. Now if you don’t mind, I have other patients to attend to.”

With her speech being said, the nurse stormed out of the room.

Bob Carter shifted his weight as he stood next to his son’s bedside. “She sure has a way with words, doesn’t she? Old nurses are always set in their ways. She probably knows what’s best.”

“Guess you won’t be able to have that talk with me now,” Bob stated quietly to his son.

“Whaddup dad?”

“I really doubt you’re up to any type of conversation right now son, we’ll chat tomorrow.”

Nick smiled slightly as he closed his eyes. Within a few moments, he was snoring quietly.

“Well he ended his side of the conversation pretty fast, didn’t he?” Brian announced as he entered the room.

Bob Carter drew the blankets gently up onto his son’s chest. “I just feel so helpless around my own son. It’s like I’m a stranger to him.”

Kevin placed a hand lightly on the older man’s shoulder. “Nick has always been so quiet about himself, more so now than ever, don’t feel like he’s pushing you away. He needs you, he really does.”

“Did the talk go okay?” Brian asked.

The older man shook his head sadly. “No, we never really got the chance to talk. He started getting sick and I had his nurse take care of him.”

Kevin’s eyes widened. “He got sick again?”

Bob Carter gave a slight nod of agreement, shuddering at the memory. “Unfortunately, yes. I’ve never seen it so bad. He couldn’t breathe.”

The three stood for a few moments, looking down at Nick. Brian broke the silence. “I wish he would get better....this really isn’t fair to him....he’s been through so much already.”

“What time are you leaving in the morning?” Kevin asked, breaking the tension that was hanging in the room.

“I’m not going.....Jane and the kids can go but I think it’s best if I stay here.”

“Oh?”

“I want to be with my son..... I care about my children and I’ve been away from Nick for too long and he needs me as much as I need him.”

"I don´t want to," he muttered, turning painfully his back to her.

"There’s no question about what you want Mister," the nurse said with false cheerfulness. "It´s doctor’s orders and you need to start walking so you don´t get a blood clot in your leg. Besides your stomach needs to get in check again, move those gases out of your system."

Nick groaned upon hearing these words. What was it with this hospital? They were either being bitches or timid and he couldn´t stand neither of them. He´d longed for that beautiful brown haired nurse that used to take care of him as well as for those pretty cool nurses that helped him when he was throwing up like a dunken sailor.

"So what should it be? You want me to call Dr. Andersen or are you getting up voluntary?" The redhead stood there with her arm outstretched. Nick groaned. He wanted to tell her to go away, yet he knew that his attempts to get rid of her would be futile and he better make her satisfied.

Sighing. he sat up straighter in bed. "I don´t feel good today," he muttered when he planted his feet on the cold floor. It was true since him sitting up had made him pretty dizzy and he had to close his eyes or he was afraid that he would barf. That would have been a pretty sight, would it?

"It´s from the chemo," the nurse stated dryly. "You’ll feel better once you get to move around some and we’re not taking a long walk so I think you should be able to manage."

"Well I don´t," he snarled, barely audible.

The nurse however heard it and she said harshly, "Mr. Carter it won´t get you anywhere being this stubborn. The faster you get up the quicker you can leave the hospital. I take it that it´s what you want, am I right?"

He could do noting but nod.

"I thought so," the nurse snickered at her patient. "Ok take a hold of my waist and I’ll help you to stand..careful..not too fast or you might feel lightheaded."

"Might?" Nick glared at her. He felt already faint! Taking a hold of the woman he hoisted himself up, not wanting to let go of her waist.

"That´s it, lean on me," the nurse urged and for a moment Nick didn´t think she was quite the bitch anymore. Their pace was slow and he walked hunched like an crooked old man with a stick.

"Try to stand up a bit straighter," the nurse snapped when he was practically walking folded over.

"I can´t," Nick gasped, fighting his tears. The incision hurt like a mother and all he wanted was to go back to his bed since it felt like his legs wouldn´t carry him any further. "Can I go back?" he pleaded when it felt like he would pass out.

"Nonsense," the nurse said harshly, "You haven´t been up walking for nearly a week and you need to get your system working again. I´m sure that a little pain is something that you can tolerate." She held him a bit firmer when he wobbled slightly. "I´ll bet that you had to preform at rougher circumstances than this in the past years."

Nick looked up. It was almost the first time that any of the hospital staff had mentioned something about him being a celebrity. Not that he wanted them to, it was just a bit unexpected coming from this woman. Was she a fan or what?

He decideded to lighten her up and play along, "Yeah I guess so. Performing can be a pain sometimes especially if you´re feeling sick."

"Well I could have performed too feeling a bit out of the weather if I earned millions of dollars too." Her tone was cold.

God where had they dug up this nag? At the cementary? So money was what was eating her. Nick sighed. If she only knew how much he would have wanted to be up and walking in the same way as he used to do instead of feeling like death warmed over all the time.

"Do we have to go outside?" he mumbled when she opened the door.

"Yes, you need to walk a few steps out in the corridor too." Her tone was sharp and she wasn´t inclined to any further conversation. "The more you walk the better you feel. I thought I made myself clear before," she snarled at him.

Bitch!

"Yeah I´ll guess," Nick mumbled, biting back a wave of foul words he had to prevent himself from cussing out. It was both from the treatment as well as from the pain in his stomach. He was resolutely led out to a chair a bit further down the corridor, like some kind of cripple. If he hadn´t held a hand down his back, his ass would have flashed open to the world through his gown. Not that it was the first time it had happened. One time he´d been stupid enough to jump into the ocean with his clothes on while going commando. The press as well as tons of fans had caught it on tape and he heard that they then made plenty of bucks selling it over on E-bay. The thought of having his ass plastered on someone’s widescreen in a foreign country didn´t sound too tempting, at least not the way he felt and looked right now.

"Can I at least get a blanket or something to cover my..my butt," Nick stuttered, feeling pretty embarrassed over having this kind of talk with a total stranger. He´d begged off to get out of these clothes and that he got to wear his own sweatpants but lately he´d been pretty sick from the chemo and at those times he was greatful that he didn´t wear his own clothing. Enough said.

This time the nurse showed a genuine smile, "Well I don´t think you´re showing something that the world hasn´t seen before," she quipped. He groaned he thought to himself, *man was she a witch.* "Hold on,´lean against the wall for support and I´ll get you a another gown." To this surprise the nurse quickly went in and got another hospital gown which she wrapped around his shoulders. He knew that he should have been grateful but this made him look even nerdier than before.

"Ok come on then..just a few steps and you can sit down at the chair over there," she pointed at a hard wooden chair a bit further down.

He did as she said and soon when he´d reached his target he sank down on the waiting object. Man, it felt good. He was totally exhausted from the short walk and could have given anything to get back to bed again. Once he sat down the nurse adjusted his chemo and feeding lines like she´d done it thousands of times before. He´d been pushing the equipment beside him all along and it most have looked so stupid that he had to laugh thinking about it all. He´d bet that he looked like a freaking machine the way all the stuff and cords were attached to him. Like a fucking robot.

"What´s so funny?" the nurse asked, looking up at him.

"Nothing," Nick smiled. "I was just thinking how stupid I look in all of this." With his hand he motioned to the lines.

"Oh that, well you need to have this so you can function properly." Nick groaned. She was way too clinical. Even if he didn´t sit there more than five minutes, tops, he was starting to get more and more uncomfortable. There was lots of traffic, almost like Grand Central Station. Orderlies, nurses and doctors as well as patients and relatives to patients were crossing the corridor on and off.

It felt like they were all staring at him the former popsinger that was nothing but a skinny, baldheaded guy with cancer. Instantly his hand reached to touch his hair, wincing when he made contact with bare skin. This last chemo session had been death for the last strands he had off his thick blonde hair and now there was very little left. To his despair he found this out one morning when the pillow was full of clumps of blonde hair. Yet he´d crossed the path of caring. What did it matter to him? He looked like a fucking freak anyway.

"Can we please go back now. I´m tired," Nick mumbled when he thought that the people had stared at him long enough. Deep down he knew that they hadn´t even gave him a second look, yet he felt so exposed to the world. Like everybody knew who he was and what he was in for.

The news was all out and he knew that everybody knew that he was staying at St. :Mary’s Hospital and Brian had mentioned that lots of reporters had wanted to have an exclusive interview with them. A one on one talk. His management had thought it was a great idea and wanted them to air live from his hospital bed, but the guys were the ones to turn it all down, saying that the situation was not suitable right now. And they were damned right. The way he was feeling he would probably barf on the camera and that would not do much for his reputation. But Nick also knew that as soon as he recooperated a bit, the reporters as well as his management would hunt him like vulchers, trying to make entertainment out of it all.

How pathetic! Just like his life.

"Let me give you some good advice young man," the redhaired nurse said when he´d sulked for a while. "You need to start thinking positive. Spending time in bed will do nothing for you and if you´re going to beat this you will have to get out with the people again. Not sitting inside like some kind of hermit, refusing to see anyone.

'Well fuck you,' Nick wanted to say, 'I´m not hiding. I´m sick'. Instead he shrugged his shoulders. He stood up dramatically, even if his legs felt like overcooked spaghetti. "Nope. I said I was tired and I want to go back to bed again. My head and stomach hurts."

The nurse sighed heavily, about to open her mouth to object when he cut her short, "So are you going to stand there and watch when I fall or give me a hand?" It felt good to be in charge for once, especially since he knew that she couldn´t refuse him help. Even if she wanted to.

She snorted with disgust. Her attempts to get her patient to change his mind had failed miserably. To her he was nothing but another spoiled celebrity that thought they could barge in and run the hospital. She´d even heard that his mother had been throwing a tantrum the way her son was treated and she´d decided to give him a lesson. He earned more in a year than she would ever do in her lifetime, and even if she felt upset looking at the "snotty" brat she couldn´t help to feel sorry for him. Maybe she´d been a bit too harsh. The young man was nothing as she had expected him to be and she felt even a tad worried seeing his ghostly white complexion. The kid looked positively ill.

"Ok lets go back then," she said reaching out to grab his waist that was nothing but skin and bone. With a skilled hand, she guided him back to his room and into the bed. He looked absolutely exhausted and for a brief moment she wished she hadn´t been so hard on him since he was acting like he was close to fainting. Watching him laying there in the hospital bed she couldn´t help but feel a motherly feeling wash all over her. There was something fragile about the young patient, yet there was something strong and stubborn too. Just when she was about to leave the room to let him rest he opened his mouth whispering a hoarse "Thanks." Then he closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

The nurse who had decided that she would teach the "popstar" a lesson felt bad. Never had she thought he was so human.

************************************************************************************************************

************************************************************************ ************************************

Groaning, Nick rolled onto his side. He was sentenced once more to stay in bed since he happened to faint on his way to the bathroom last night. Not that he wished to repeat the performance of walking with that redheaded bitch out to the corridor. No way. It was just that he was so bored out of his mind and sick and tired of laying in the hospital feeling like crap. And that description was not an understatement.

There were some undescriptive chills wracking his body and he knew he was running a fever by the way the nurses kept rushing back and forth, taking all kinds of tests. His stomach still hurt and every move felt like stinging pain shooting through his abdomen and back. The cramps were still there and he was fed up with the nausea that seemed to linger in the back of his throat all the time, choking him until he couldn´t take it anymore.

He was also so fed up with the nutrition shit he got from the IV line and the formula both looked and probably tasted like a day old breastmilk. Not that he ever tasted it in his adult life, it was more likely what he imagined it would taste like. Sickly sweet. It made him want to throw up. Even when the nausea ripped his body apart he still wanted something firm to chew on. Something that didn´t make his tastebuds go into total shock. What wouldn´t he do for a meal from McDonald’s? There were times when he found himself longing to sink his teeth into a juicy BigMac topped with lots of dressing and a box of french fries. He would end the meal with a large cup of butterscotch fudge with chocoalate topping and caramel crisps. Both Howie and Kevin wrinkled their nose in disgust when he used to devour this kind of meal on the road, but he didn´t care. It was as close to heaven as any man could get.

Today however he knew that it was noting but a dream. His system would protest wildly if he put anything besides ice chips into his mouth, not even Ensure would do this time.

Swallowing hard he found himself fighting the gag reflexes for the umpteenth time that morning and he prayed silently that it wouldn´t send him off to another round beside the basin. Puking had always been one of the worst things he ever did since it made him feel both small and out of control. Lately it seemed like it was all he was doing and his body did everything to rejct the toxin that ran in his veins. Chemotheraphy was sheer hell and he didn´t wish this kind of treatment upon his worst enemy. If he didn´t know better he would have ripped the line out, refusing to take another session. To him it was only prolonging the invetable; Death!

Yet he had to fight and to win over this disease that took thousands of human life each year as well as saving lots more. He knew he had a fifty-fifty chance of beating it and he had all intentions of winning even if victory seemed further away with each day that passed.

It was not one of his best days, but then when was it ever? He was in a bad form physically but also mentally. The only good part was that he´d been lucky enough to get to sleep through the night without any incidents disturbing him. But what good did that do since the moment he opened his eyes he was back to feeling sick again.

Nick wasn´t known for being a patient man, although he had to sit through endless interviews, recording sessions as well as waiting in airports. It had all tested his patience, many many times. Being an active man when feeling well, he hated laying cooped up in bed, watching as the nurses draw more blood from him. Heck if they kept up this testing he would have been dry as a desert, sucked out like Count Dracula’s victim. When he´d complained to the guys about having nothing to do they had stucked him with a remote control in his hand as well as the latest versions of games to his Playstation2. After playing a b'ball game on the tv as well as zapping through channels he´d found out that he was too tired to do anything but stare. There wasn´t a plot anymore that he had the strength to follow and usually he ended up fast asleep while watching a movie.

Today was the first day when he feared that none of the guys or his dad would show up. He knew that his dad was driving his mother and siblings over to the airport and the guys were in the recording booth working on the new album. After talking to AJ about what to do with his own appearance on the CD he found out that they were hurrying the recording along. The older man claimed that it was due to Brian’s baby coming but Nick knew better...He also wanted to spare them his pain since their pale features told him that his sickness was starting to get to them. Brian, who should have been at home with his wife had spent lots of time with him as well as the rest of the guys.

The guys had tried their best to cheer Nick up, although it hadn´t worked very well since he was still having dark and gloomy thoughts. This had his friends in for a loop since usually Nick was nothing but jokes and laughter. The sickness had changed him in so many ways and ironically in a few months he had matured more than he had in his life time.

But he wasn´t the only one that was marked with the disease. The sickness was slowly ripping them all apart, making them suffer; each in their own way.

Wrapping the blanket closer to his body he tried to stifle the chills that had accompanied him ever since that morning. Moving slowly in bed a new set of pain shot through his abdomen, making him roll into a ball. "Shit!" he cussed out loud as he tried to get his bearings. Wasn´t the pain suppose to lessen instead of increase after the surgery? Pressing a hand on his side, he hoped that the pressure would make the pain go away. Deep inside he knew that it made no difference and all he could do was to wait it all out.

Slowly he started to feel better again and as he turned on his head his eyes fell on the stacks of get well cards that were laying on the bedstand. This was just from people he knew but Brian had told him that there were bags of get well cards as well as presents arriving each day. Thinking that the fans were doing this for him made his eyes water. Never in his life had he imagined this kind of support.

Reaching out his hand he picked up a beige paper card, not looking much at the outside but meaning lots in the inside. The card was from Aaron and inside was a charocal drawing of him and Aaron together and they were standing inside the family boat. The drawing was very well done and fortunately his little brother had inherited the same talent as Nick carried. The drawing was a sketch from an old photo that Nick knew he kept in a drawer. It meant alot to him. On the picture they were 15 and 8 years old, looking very untroubled. Memories of when he was with his friends at the family boat flashed up infront of his eyes and he wished with all his heart that he would be able to re-live such a time again.

The drawing was very nice but it was what his little brother had scribbled down in the corner of the picture that meant more to him. "I´ll always be there for you in my heart. No matter what happens you can count on me. I love you bro. 4-ever."The letter was signed AC.

The words hit him pretty hard since he knew how devistated Aaron had been about his disease. At first Nick had felt hurt when his little brother had made up several excuses to come and visit him, but when he had seen the pained expression he knew that the sickness hurt him more than he could ever express. Despite being the youngest, Aaron had never been on the soft side so it had surprised him when he´d seen the reactions of tears his brother had shown. Nick had never told anyone this but secretively he admired his little brother. Aaron was a smart kid, much smarter than he was given credit for and there were times when people had wondered who was the oldest of the two Carter brothers. Aaron had a better way of coping with fame and he seemed to be the one that was buildt the toughest.

Therefore it had scared him dearly when he had seen the tears his little brother had shed and how broken he had been. His dad had told him that Aaron had to go back but Nick knew better. It was all getting to him and he had to get out or it would tear him apart. His relationship with his mother was another business. He couldn´t for his life understand why she was being so mean to him. After all it wasn´t his fault that he got sick and she had no business thinking that he was a failure.

Not this time.

She´d tried to control his life again and even if it hurt him he had to make her leave. There was no way that he was going to spend his last months in LA, far away from the people and the scenery that he loved and which he felt was his home. Even if this meant that he had to sacrifice his relationship with his mother, for all eternity.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a soft voice calling out for him. "Nick?" Turning to his side he was met with Dr. Andersen’s warm eyes. "Hi Nick, how are you doing today?" Her voice was soft, almost a whisper, very uncharacteristic for the doctor that he had gotten to know during the past months.

"Did hell freeze over or what?"

She didn´t catch his lame attempt of a joke."Huh?"

"I mean you didn´t call me Nickolas or anything."

"Oh okay," she smiled paley at him before sitting down next to his bed. Something in her posture told him that there would be some bad news. Not wanting to stall any longer he sighed.

"So spill it."

"What?" The older woman looked at her patient with a frown.

"Come on. Tell me the bad news, I´ll can take it! Just tell me what you have on your mind."

"What makes you think that I have bad news?” she asked with surprise, looking straight into his blue eyes.

"Because people ususally have that when they have been formal and suddenly start to call me Nick."

"Oh." She went silent for a couple of moments.

"I´m right aren’t I?" There were triumph as well as sadness in his tone.

"Eh..well I need you to do some more tests."

"More tests? Nooo waaayyyyy," Nick more or less shouted. Hell this was turning out to be a really sucky day.

The doctor placed a hand on his arm, "Calm down Nick. We´ve just want to do a Bone Marrow test to see how the fluid is and see that the cancer haven´t spread."

"What?" It was his turn to stare at her. "I ain´t doing that test! It will hurt like a bitch." Stubbornly he sat up in bed, a bit too fast for his comfort and for a couple of seconds there were dots dancing around in front of his eyes.

"Take it easy," she urged him softly. "Nick I know that you don´t like the tests but we have to see your status and if the Hodgkins is spreading in your lymph system."

Nick went suddenly silent. Looking up at her, not fighting anymore he said with defeat in his eyes, "It´s spreading isn´t it?"

"No," she shook her head, "I´m not saying that it is, but we have to make the tests to be on the sure side." Her smiled was aimed to be comforting but didn´t serve like that.

Not being satisfied with her answer he continued, "Cut the crap. Don´t bullshit me. You are suspecting something, right?"

She flinched as his words hit her like a bullet and not wanting to lie to her young patient she said with a sigh, "Well we had found that tumor near your stomach when we did the liver surgery and now we want to be sure that there are no more hidden lumps that we are not aware of. We are also a bit concerned that you´re not responding to the chemotheraphy like we thought you would..at least not before we increased the doseage" Dr. Andersen was known for being both truthful and fair.

The words spelled out felt like a blown into his midsection. He was right. They were suspecting something bad and since he had read up about Hodgkins Lymphoma over the net as well as in books, yes he could read no matter what people said, he knew that they were afraid that his cancer had reached staged 3. And if that was the case he had just one more stage to go. One more stage closer to the end!

"No. No...No," Paul Herrington, the famous recording producer yelled for the third time in a row. Flaring with his arms in a desperate gesture he continued, "What's the matter with you people today? You sound like shit!" The producer was famous for not thinking twice about shredding his words and if he hadn't been a musical genius he would have long before got the boot. Glaring at all off them, but especially Brian who the comment was mainly directed to he shook his head. "What did I tell you about NOT dragging the words in "you're my everythiiiinggg? It makes you sound like you're constipated instead of in love!"

"Maybe he is," AJ grinned from his mixer board where he was playing with the buttons, mixing different sounds for the finished songs.

Brian who'd been coped up inside the glass recording studio, working on their latest ballad for the past hour glared back. If it was one thing the Kentuckian disliked it was when someone criticized his singing ability; especially when there were reasons for sounding a bit off. He'd been battling a cough for the past week and judging from the hoarseness it had finally won its victory. The tension he felt for worrying both over Nick as well as Leigh and the baby didn't make him less exhausted. On the contrary he was pretty drained. "I'm doing the best I can," he snarled into the mike, while stifling another cough.

"I'm sure you are," the producer said with a sigh, "but apparently it's not good enough and we have an album to make." Looking at the young man that looked like he wanted to be somewhere else but inside the glass booth he continued, "Ok take the part from the beginning and this time don't try to sound like a lovesick pig!"

Upon hearing these words the guys burst out laughing and AJ who was in the process of taking a sip out of the water bottle, spraying the water out off his mouth all over his shirt, "Shit!" He drabbed the paper towel on the shirt.

Howie looked at him with a disgusted frown, "God Jay when are you ever going to grow up?" Shaking his head he continued, "What does Sarah say about your bad table manner?"

"Who cares?" the rebel smiled, "and for your information she thinks I'm VERY sexy."

"Pah... I doubt that," the Latino snorted back and then turned his attention back on rehearsing his part in the song.

"Will you ladies shut up for a moment," Paul said irritated, "Were trying to record a song here people." The rest of the guys went silent, not because that the head producer had said so, no more because there were lacking energy to even have a conversation. The music started and Brian prepared himself for singing when the producer suddenly stopped the tape, yelling once again, "Cut!"

"What's the matter this time?" Kevin asked, sensing that his cousin was starting to get impatient. They had been at the studio since early morning and even how hard they tried they couldn't get it to work. And they had a deadline to make too.

"Can't you hear him? There's absolutely NO emotion in his voice whatsoever."

"You'd better cut him some slack. It's been a while since we've been in the studio so we're a bit rusty. I'm sure that once Rok get a hand off it, the part will flow. Just give him some time."

"I hope your right Kevin," the producer said, rubbing his temples, "Ok Littrell, I'm giving you one more chance."

"Yeah buddy," AJ said, "Just go with the rhythm Bro´!"

"Ok." Brian took his headphones on again, but only managed a couple of lines before the producer yelled for him to stop. This was getting annoying. "What is it this time?" He felt irritated. The last thing he needed was someone getting on his case all the time. Today was not a good day at all since he'd slept very bad last night; as a matter of fact he hadn't slept very well for the past month. It was like everything he'd experienced was suddenly getting a hold on him and it was starting to take a toll on his body too. If he felt bad about Nick it was nothing compared to the guilt he experienced from not being able to spend the time with Leighanne.

She'd called him last night, being upset and crying. Since she was still running a high blood pressure she was confined to bed rest and yesterday she broke down, wanting him to come to her. He'd tried to explain that he needed to be with Nick since he still wasn't completely out of the woods, but she hadn't wanted to hear such thing. Instead she'd yelled at him, accusing him of only caring about his friends and that he had always put Nick in center before her. This couldn't be more wrong and when he'd tried to explain to her that he'd volunteered to be Nick's patient advocate she had snarled that if he cared more about Nick than her and the baby he could just as well move out off the house. This had made him feel devastated.

Brian had tried to talk her into coming out to her in Florida but she had gotten very mad and said that HER baby would be born in Atlanta, nowhere else. This hurt the young man very much and he'd promised to fly back to her tomorrow and now he felt bad about that too. Something told him that now was not a good time to leave his friend, but on the other hand Leighanne had forced him to make a decision and if it came to choosing he would choose Leigh and they unborn baby.

"Ok Littrell what's the matter with you today? Did you have a fight with the Mrs.?" Getting an evil eye back from the Kentuckian he continued with a threatening tone, "You better start to shape up your act or I'm taking Howie in for the lead part instead."

"You can't do that," Aj objected, "Howie isn't right for this song and you know it." The look he got from the Latino was anything but pleasant. "It will flop if you do that."

"I'm hired to make sure that a new album is soon hitting the stands and that I will do, even if this means that I will have to take certain measures to make it work."

"Fine! Maybe you should do that, pull me off," Brian snarled, his face getting red from anger as well as exhaustion. "This won't work today anyway." Slowly he took off his headphones, "Go ahead and use D, I think it's for the better anyway." With a tired gesture he opened the glass door and then stated to himself more than anyone, "I need a break. I'm going back to Atlanta."

The words came very surprisingly for all parts and as Brian strolled down out off the room the producer grabbed his arm, wheezing, "You do No such a thing. You have a job to tend too."

There were so many emotions trapped inside the younger man and it was all threatening to break loose, like a flood. Jerking his arm away he snapped, "Don't you touch me." This was not like Brian to have this kind of outburst and the heated tension hung low in the air. The rest of the guys watched with surprise, fearing that a fist wouldn't be far away.

Howie was the first to come to his senses, intent to fend off an impending conflict. "B'rok's right. We need a break and we're tired."

"I'm sorry guys but tired won't cut it. You've hired me to do a job with you and I will make sure that you produce something worth listening too. If you want this ballad to become a hit you better work in some true emotions or it will flop faster than you have time to count to three." The producer was hard but fair and it wasn't for nothing he was considered as one of the best in the business.

"Yes you're right, there's work to be done; it's just that things are not that easy right now. There is a lot happening for all off us and Nick being sick doesn't exactly improve the situation." Kevin had once again taken up the role as the group's spokesman. "It's draining us all and I don't think we have what it takes right now to go through with the album." There was defeat in the older mans voice.

Howie nodded. "I agree about that one too. It's not right recording when we know that Nicky is stuck in the hospital. I think we should wait until he gets better."

"Yeah and so he can join us all," AJ filled in. "If I know Kaos he'll be ready to seriously kick some ass!" A small smile toyed in his lips. But it was a plastered one since the happiness didn't reach his eyes at all.

"It feels kind of useless when we're not all five into this project."

Nodding the producer looked at each and every one of the band members. Kevin was right; they all looked beat, even beyond exhaustion. Their pale face revealed that although the guys had an ability to live the sweet life off the rich and famous there was no such thing going on. Instead dark blue bags coated their faces and for a moment Paul had a flashback, remembering the guys when they were working on their second album, "Backstreet's Back. He'd been just an assistant at that time and now it seamed like such a long time ago. The guys had been very excited as well as overworked when they came back from a tour when they did 52 shows in 49 days back in Europe and Asia. Even if they had been very beat, on the verge off a nervous breakdown there had still been a glimpse of excitement in their eyes. Looking at the guys more than 6 years later he couldn't detect that in their eyes anymore.

"Is that what you're all feeling? That you don't want to go on working on this album? That you want to quit?

There was deep silence in the room, nobody wanting to take the first step to answer the question they all knew the answer to. When nothing was said and they fidget around uncomfortable the producer was the first to break the silence, " So Backstreet Boys what should it be? You're willing to put your guts into working on this album or do you wanna put it on hiatus for the time being?" He knew he was pressing on a bit too hard but a definite answer needed to be said. None of the guys had showed much interest at all since Nick had been ill. Knowing how much the guys cared for each other Paul could see why their was a flair of lament over the situation and he felt bad for pressuring them, but there were other artists that wanted his help and he didn't run some kind of charity business either.

Kevin coughed slightly, clearing his voice. "We need some more time to think this decision over whether or not we should do another album at this point, if it's the right timing. There are so many feelings that we have to sort out first and Nick will have a few words too."

"Ok and how much do you guys think you're gonna need?"

"A few mo..." AJ started but then quickly changed his mind. "I mean weeks." Nodding he continued, "Yeah a few weeks will be fine, right guys?" Life and reality had struck the young man in his back again after he'd seen the fear in the other guys' eyes and even though the thought felt too hard and forbidden he didn't want to drag it all out too long, depending on what Nick would be doing and feeling.

He received a positive respond from all but Brian who was staring straight ahead, looking like he was in his own world.

"You're really sure about this?" The producer questioned sensing that the guys needed to think their thought trough really well. "You know if you guys decide to pull the plug in a time like this a lot of fans will be very disappointed."

"Excuse me but who said anything about quitting?" Kevin wheezed, sick and tired of being asked if they were still a group, and not only on the paper. "We're talking about postponing the album for a while until Nick gets better and can join us."

"And if he won't?"

"Uh huh?"

"Come again?"

"You want me to make myself clearer?" The producer said, feeling bad of having to take up such a hurtful issue. "I mean what if he will never be well again? If he dies, then what?" Sensing the other men's disagreement he continued, "After all it's cancer in a rather advanced stage we're dealing with here. Am I right?"

There was a heavy reaction!

"What are you saying?" Brian suddenly jerked awake, his eyes gleaming with anger. "Are you saying that he's going to die?" His whole body shook from emotions and the rest of the guys could see that the young man didn't have far from tears either.

Quickly Kevin put an arm around his cousin's shoulder in a vain attempt to calm him down. "Calm down B'rok, Paul didn't mean it in that kind of way." The older man glared at the producer who shrugged uncomfortable. "Yes I mean… there is always a possibility..."

Something inside the younger man suddenly snapped. "What business do you have coming barging in here saying something like that? he yelled. "How can you say that Nick might die when you know it's not true? He is a little under the weather and he is feeling much better now. And he will be fine, just you wait and see."

The other guys gasped shockingly. Never in their life had they thought that Brian was living in such a denial. Brian who always had a great way coping with feelings and tried to look at everything from a realistic point of view.

"Paul didn't mean it bad," Howie defended, sensing that it wasn't much use when his friend was much too agitated to take in another opinion. He was right since Brian snarled back, "Yes he did! He never liked Nick." The Kentuckian had transformed and suddenly he jumped all over the producer, about to give him a fist. This startled the rest of the crowed since they had never seen Brian acting violent before and now they had their hands full trying to get him to calm down. The situation was very awkward since this was usually a behavior that either AJ or Nick took care off. The two hotheads in the band.

"Get him off me!" The producer snarled when Brian clinged on his back. Both AJ and Howie lent a helping hand and soon the producer was free from Brian the attack. Brian on the other hand just stood there; shaking like a leaf when it dawned upon him what had happened. Slowly at first tears started to roll down his face. The damn bursts and all the feelings he had inside him was starting to dwell over. Sinking down on his knees the young man shielded his face with his hands. Totally devastated.

Kevin hunched down beside his cousin, hugging him tight. "Brian try to calm down," he whispered gently as his brother cried openly into his arms. The rest of the men felt a bit out of place, yet they didn't say anything and the dark man didn't is best to try and comfort his friend. He was chocked. Never had he thought that Brian coping with all of this was a role and that he deep inside was totally torn apart. In the scene folding in front of them the truth became visible.

Brian Littrell was having a nervous breakdown.

Nick tossed his Game Boy onto the bedstand. He had played all of the video games he had packed one too many times - not that he wasn’t used to passing the time away by being entertained with the games - it was the fact that he was trapped or more like imprisioned. That was a lot different than being on the bus or in a hotel room during a tour. At least there was things going on to occupy his mind.

Being cooped up in the hospital was starting to wear his patience thin. He was hoping that Dr. Andersen would have come in this morning on her rounds telling him that he could go home, instead she ordered more tests. More tests ontop of the other tests that still have yet to be started.

Sighing, Nick turned his head toward the window. From the bed he could see the puffy white clouds; the patches of brilliant blue sky.

“This sucks,” he grumbled as he turned his attention to the IV pole. Three bags of IV solution was hanging. At least he was down from his all time personal record of twelve IV’s, but the number of bags weren’t going away fast enough to please him. The squeaking of shoes on the tiled floor indicated to Nick that another nurse was entering the room.

“Hello Nick, I’m Kaye,” the young nurse sing-songed as she breezed into the room.

“Hi,” Nick replied dully.

The dark haired woman cocked her head to one side, folding her arms across her chest. “Well, aren’t you the happy one today?”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I know this place starts to suck after a day or two.”

Nick managed a slight smile which faded as fast as it came. He furrowed his nonexistent brows as he looked at the empty handed woman. She picked up on his concerned expression.

“Something wrong?”

“Yeah....why did you come in? You don’t have anything with you.”

Kaye pulled her arms away from her chest, feigning surprise. “Oh my gosh....I forgot!”

Nick stared at her skeptically. “Yeah, sure.”

“Well.....I did come in for a reason.”

“Enlighten me,” Nick said dramatically.

The nurse moved over toward the sink opening one of the cupboard drawers. After getting what she needed, she washed her hands vigorously before snapping on a pair of latex gloves. “I’ve got orders to discontinue your IV’s,” she smiled.

Nick could have sworn he felt his heart skip a beat. “You’re serious?”

“Now would a girl like me lie to you?”

“So I get all this shit.....eh junk taken away?”

“Most of it, you still get to keep the chemo pump and the J-tube.”

“One more day of pure hell on the chemo then, eh?”

“Sorry, but it’s not my choice.”

“Mine either,” he grumbled.

The nurse pulled the IV lines from the Brovac port, draping the tubing over the top of the pole. Without missing a step, she hurried with the pole over to the sink. Nick watched as she took the bags down and laid them into the sink.

“Ugh....no, not that!” he moaned when she returned with a large syringe and a bottle of sterile saline.

“Sorry, but you don’t wanna get an infection.”

“But it hurts like you know what when you flush that port,” Nick protested weakly.

“I’m sorry but I have to follow Dr. Andersen’s orders.”

Nick gave her his best ‘puppy dog eyes.’ “I won’t tell on you....”

“Nice try, won’t work on me though, I took Notorious Bitch 101 in college.”

Smoothing the wrinkles on the blanket, Nick muttered, “Figures.”

The sharp pain that shot across his chest, made Nick draw a quick breath in, causing the nurse to slow down the flush. “I’m sorry.”

With his eyes watering, Nick decided to reply with a wave of his hand that he was okay, not trusting his voice at the moment.

“There done.....that wasn’t so bad was it?”

“Nah, the best time I’ve had here so far.”

Kaye pulled the gloves off after she dumped the saline into the waste basket and the syringe into the beige biohazard container that hung on the wall next to the sink. As she turned the faucet on, she quickly scrubbed her hands. “Well, now that’s done guess what we’re gonna do?”

“I can’t wait to hear,” Nick replied, voice dripping with sarcasim.

“At least you’re excited......we’re going out for a walk...”

“Oh God, please not now,” Nick begged.

“Nick you won’t get better until you move around.”

“But it hurts to stand up let alone walk.”

“You can protest all you want, you’re gonna get up because---”

“Because why?”

“Because I said so,” Kaye sighed. “Why do you have to be difficult?”

“I dunno, I was hoping I could change your mind.”

“Sorry but not today,” she replied as she lowered the bed to it’s lowest level. “C’mon, sit up, please.”

Nick slowly obeyed, pulling his body gingerly into a sitting position. “I don’t have a robe.”

The nurse grabbed the hospital gown that was laying across the foot of the bed. “Nice try, I came prepared. Put this on backwards, it will cover your butt.”

Nick grumbled as he accepted her help in getting the gown on. “This is really gonna suck.”

“Well you won’t be disappointed then......and when we get back you can do your J-tube feeding.”

“Yippee,” Nick grumbled.

Kaye walked alongside Nick as he slowly edged his way toward the doorway. He protectively placed a hand across his stomach as he walked with slow, calculated footsteps.

“Why do you have your hand over your stomach? Does it still hurt that much?”

Nick sighed. “Kinda sorta but not really.”

Kaye looked at her patient with one eye closed. “Kinda...sorta?”

“Well ya know...it sorta feels like if I don’t have my hand on where the surgery was my insides are gonna fall out or something.....”

Kaye couldn’t help but snicker quietly. “Okay, that’s a new one to me but have you tried walking without your hand on your belly?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders in reply. Kaye gently placed a hand ontop of his.

“It’s okay, try it....I’d hate to see you go through life hanging onto your stomach.”

Cautiously, Nick did as she requested and took a few steps. “Okay, now can I go back to my room?”

The nurse looked behind her and then back at Nick. “You realize you’ve only walked less than 200 feet. Besides, this is where I wanted you to stop at,” she stated, gesturing at the floor scale.

Nick’s eyes widened. “You gotta be kiddin’ me.....I don’t wanna do that!”

“Just get on the scale for cryin’ out loud,” she commanded, taking his arm.

Nick’s mind was racing as he took a hesitant step toward the scales. It wasn’t that he was afraid of getting on them; it was more that he was afraid of what the scales would tell him once he got on. Years ago, he avoided the scale like a cat avoided water. The numbers were never his friend and always pointed his failures and undiscplined eating habits and pizza binges. Now the scale meant something quite different to him. Now it showed lower numbers and to him lower numbers meant that he was losing weight; losing his battle.

“One sixty-two.....”

“Huh?”

“I said one sixty-two.....” Kaye repeated, looking at her patient’s expression.

Nick couldn’t believe what he heard the nurse say. When he entered the hospital for the surgery, he was told that he was down to one hundred fifty-nine pounds, now almost a week later she was saying that he had gained weight!

“You seem to be pretty happy with those numbers.”

Nick smirked. “Actually, I am.”

“Wait right here, I need to grab your chart and write down the numbers....”

’Three pounds! I actually gained three whole pounds!’ Nick mentally cheered.

“Ah-ha, now I see why you’re beaming..... you gained three pounds, that’s pretty good.....see now aren’t you glad about that J-tube?”

Nick absently placed a hand over where the tube jutted from his side. “Um...yeah I guess. Does this mean that this can come out now?”

The nurse finished scribbling her notes on the page, closing up the file. “Well as good as three pounds are, you still are far away from where you were before all this happened, am I right?”

A blush stained Nick’s cheeks. “Well yeah, but I had been needing to lose weight for a long time.....”

“You turkey, I’m just saying that a tall guy like you should weigh more than one hundred sixty-one---”

“One sixty-two,” Nick quickly corrected.

Kaye smiled. “Well, I’m proud of you, you’re doing a good job. Let’s finish up this walk so you can get back to your room, okay?”

“Finish up? I’m fine with where we are now.”

“You have to be one of my most stubborn patients by far Mr. Carter,” the nurse teased. “C’mon.”

Kevin stared at his cousin, unsure of what to say. He always had the right words to smooth over a bad situation, but this time he was clueless on how to calm Brian down. To make matters worse, AJ volunteered himself to calm the recording manager down and Kevin’s thoughts were distracted with what mess he would have to clean up after AJ finished speaking his ‘words of wisdom’ to the angry man.

Hesitantly, Kevin reached out and placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder which he immediately shrugged off. The young man’s face was a mixture of emotions but the look that clearly came through was one of pure anguish.

“Bri....”

“Don’t,” he snapped, drawing a hand through his hair.

They sat for a few moments in silence; Kevin quietly observing his cousin, worried that he was going to snap mentally. Finally, in what seemed like forever, Brian sighed in a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry I’m acting like this.......I just don’t know what to do anymore.....Leighanne needs me home......Nick needs me here.......Leighanne won’t come here.......I just don’t know what to do......”

Kevin kept silent as Brian rambled on, his heart aching for him. He knew the termoil his young brother was going through. So many obligations and so many demands. He wished there were some way that he could help him in this situation.

After a few moments when he was certain that Brian was done speaking did Kevin quietly offer his advice. “Brian, you should go home to Lee, she needs you.”

Brian shook his head sadly. “Nick needs me too.”

“He has us, Leighanne has no family with her at home right now.”

”I know.....I know,” Brian sobbed as he rocked back and forth.

“How about her mom?”

“Huh?”

“Shirley, what about Shirley? Isn’t she there already?”

Not offering any explanation, Brian could only shake his head negatively.

Kevin drew a tired breath in. “Okay what about your mom.....that’s it! I could call Aunt Jackie and get her to go down to Marietta to stay with Lee...”

Brian stood up quickly, making his way toward the door. ”It won’t work.....stop trying to fix my life, okay? I think I can take care of my own problems without you butting into it!”

Without saying anything further, Brian flung the door open, sending it slamming against the wall as he stormed out of the small office.

Nick’s eyes fluttered open when he heard the familiar clanking noises from the wheelchair as it was being pushed into the room. Groaning, he closed his eyes again.

“C’mon hon, it’s time to take you down to radiology,” his nurse Kaye stated softly.

“It’s been two hours already?”

“Yup, you’ve been sleeping since you came back to your room after they gave you the Isotope injection.”

Nick rolled onto his side, drawing the covers up tighter to his neck.

“Has he always been so stubborn?”

Upon hearing the nurse ask someone else a question, he rolled back over, eyes scanning the room for the visitor.

“Bri.....how long have you been here?”

Brian grinned from his chair.

“Is the session done already? How did it go?”

Brian’s expression soured when Nick asked about the recording. He quickly changed the subject. “The nurse is waiting for you to get your butt out of bed.”

“Yeah...yeah.....yeah,” Nick grumbled as he tossed the covers away. “Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?”

“Of course you can, we don’t run a prison!”

“I’m beginning to wonder.” As Nick stood up, a wave of dizziness swept over him and he took a faltering step forward before he quickly sat back on the edge of the bed. The nurse was quick to step up to his side, and Nick looked up at her. “I musta got up too fast.”

“Just get up a little slower,” she encouraged, her hand ready to steady her patient.

“I’m fine,” Nick spat back, irritation evident in his voice.

He didn’t mean to sound cross, but he was getting tired of how his body had betrayed him one time too many lately. The little things he took for granted was now requiring more thought and planning before he initiated the action. Simple things like walking across the room or drinking from a cup. The drugs he was on had caused him weakness on some occasions and trembling hands more times than Nick could count.

Basically, his life sucked more and more each day.

“I really can do this without an escort,” Nick huffed as he planted his bare feet on the cool linoleum floor.

“I know you can, but you know the rules Nick,” Kaye replied.

Tears welled up in Brian’s eyes as he watched Nick slowly make his way toward the bathroom with the nurse holding onto his arm. He quickly stood up to direct his attention to the window. Nick’s appearance had changed dramatically in the past weeks and as much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself, the recording studio manager was right; Nick was dying.

Brian wiped at tears with his thumbs, jamming them hard underneath his eyes. The pain he was inflicting upon himself somehow made him feel better. He felt as if he deserved no happiness at this moment. His best friend was sick and dying and his wife was pregnant needing him in another state. For some strange reason, Brian Littrell felt as if he were self centered. He knew that it was wrong to feel that way, but he couldn’t help it.

“Hey Bri......did you see that I’m not on those IV’s anymore?”

Blinking his eyes to try and rid them of the tears, Brian quickly wiped his cheeks before turning around to look at Nick. “Hey, yeah that’s good news.”

Nick cocked a grin. “I also gained three pounds since last week, ain’t that cool?”

Brian cleared his throat as he watched Nick slowly take his seat in the wheelchair. Three pounds sounded like a lot to Nick, but for as much weight as his cancer-ravaged body had lost, it didn’t show.

“Hey, that’s great.”

“Did you come up here by yourself?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah I came alone.”

“You never answered my question before, how did the session go?”

“Sorry to interrupt Nick, but they’re waiting down in radiology for you, how about you follow us down,” the nurse asked as she looked over toward Brian.

Relieved that the nurse interrupted, Brian quickly asked, “Um, what are you having done?”

“It’s just one of those stupid bone scans, how long does it take again?”

“Probably 45 minutes, not too long.”

“You go on, I’ve got some calls to make, would it be okay to use your phone?” Brian asked.

“No problem.”

“Thanks, I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Good cause I still wanna know how the session went.”

The nurse took a blanket and covered Nick’s legs, stopping for a moment. “Hey, where’s your socks mista Carter?”

Nick gestured toward the nightstand.

“You know better than to be wandering around without something on your feet,” she stated as she retrieved the pair of white socks. Squatting down in front of Nick, she tugged the socks onto each foot. “There....now we’re ready to go.”

“Oh boy I can hardly wait,” Nick replied sarcastically.

AJ sat at the long conference table, drumming his fingers; Howie on the other side of the room, pacing. Sighing loudly, he pulled a pack of cigarettes from the front pocket of his t-shirt, packing them against his palm with expertize.

“You can’t smoke in here,” Howie reminded.

Putting a cigarette to his lips, AJ clicked open the silver lighter. “Like I care.”

“J, don’t be a dumbass......don’t light that.”

The door to the room creeked open and AJ paused his actions; the lighter’s flame flickered as it reached for the fresh oxygen. Kevin strode into the room, a look of defeat on etched on his face.

Howie and AJ watched as Kevin slouched his lean frame onto the sofa in the corner of the room. “Anything yet?”

Shaking his head as he drew a hand through his thick hair, Kevin grunted a quick “no.”

“That isn’t like Brian to get so damned irrational......hell that’s Nick’s job,” AJ rasped. “Come to think of it....that would be Nick’s job to storm out of the building without telling anyone what the hell he was doing.”

Kevin threw a dark look towards AJ to silence his rambling. “Would you shut the hell up McLean?”

“I’m just sayin’....”

“You’re not saying anything that would be beneficial in finding where Brian is,” Kevin interrupted.

“Both of you please just calm down.....we can’t figure anything out with this bickering,” Howie pleaded.

AJ calmly stood up from his seat.

Kevin watched as AJ sauntered toward the door. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“Out to have a cigarette if that’s any of your damn business.”

“Plant your ass back down......no one is leaving!”

“I’m getting sick of you running in circles trying to find Brian, Kev.......the solution is pretty simple if you ask me.”

“I wasn’t asking you,” Kevin retorted.

Howie rubbed a hand across his face. “What’s your idea Bone?”

A grin tugged on AJ’s lips, pleased to think that someone was interested in his idea. “Well......you know how Brian is, I think the first place he’d go is back to Nicky’s house.”

“Called there,” Kevin snapped.

“Well then, he’s driving somewhere......call his cell phone.”

“Did that.”

“Call Georgia then..”

Kevin folded his arms across his chest. “And upset his pregnant wife? Not a good idea, besides, we know he’s not home yet........so any other bright ideas?”

“Nick’s cell phone?”

“You can’t use cell phones in the hosptial, so that’s out.”

“Okay, how about calling Nick’s hospital room, he might be there,” AJ concluded. Kevin stared at his brother; jade green eyes narrowed. “So I’m guessin’ you already did that?”

“Are you a complete idiot?” Kevin hissed.

“C’mon Kev, he’s just trying to help,” Howie said softly, hoping to prevent anything more from happening. “Besides, you know Brian, he’ll come around when he’s ready. We shouldn’t get so worried about this. It’s probably not a big deal.” Deep down, Howie wished he could believe the words he had just said. His normally positive outlook on life was being tested.

"Mr. Carter it´s time to get up!"

Irritated over that the offending intruder didn’t take his hint when he refused to open his blue eyes, he automatically flailed with his arm. "Go away." But the person was either stupid or deaf since he made no move to get out of Nick’s face. In his amost unconscious mind he decided that it had to be Brian. No other person could disturb him so much in the mornings when all he wanted was to get to sleep late at least for once in his hectic life. He felt another shake and groaned loudly. Unhappily.

If there was one thing he disliked it was being woke up in the mornings, especially when he had just gone to bed after a long and hectic night. "Leave me alone.." he grumbled, gripping his pillow in vain attempt to block out any unwanted sounds. "GO!"

But the person in the room showed no such signs of giving up and he could feel his blanket getting tugged at. Damn. This was just getting to be too much. "Bri!!" he whined, "just leave me alone...pleaaaseee!!!" Now he was begging too. He was so tired....so damned tired that it felt like he could sleep for a whole year and still not be wellrested. In his haze he was suddenly back in Europe. Back in a small hotel room in some European city on one of their earlier promotional tours. Under the "wonderful" management of Mr. Pearlman.

They had been going on for more than 36 hours straight and Nick was so tired that all he wanted to do was to drop on the bed and sleep the whole day away. Yet he was refused to do so since they had to be up for yet another interview, or yet another concert. He was on the verge of exhaustion and between the tears he swore that when he became older he would do nothing but sleep. Ironically it appeared like his deepest wishes had finally come true since all he did these days was sleep.

A small chuckle was heard and the sound caught Nick’s attention. Still not fully awake. What was that? A woman in the room with him? His mind felt too jumbled to think straight and his first thought was that he had picked someone up last night then forgot about it. Unless Brian had gotten a sex change operation but then that was more Howie’s or even Kevin’s weird ways... Still in the land of dreams he tried to open his eyes to look at whoever was staying with him, but his eyes felt heavy like lead. Finally he managed to pry them open and with blurry vision he stared into a pair of blue eyes belonging to a beautiful brunette woman dressed in white...

His thoughts suddenly reeled like a speeding train. Why was she dressed like a nurse? What kind of sexual games had he played and not remembered anything from it? Exactly howdrunk had he gotten?

Judging from the parching dryness in his throat as well as the strange full feeling in his stomach and the impending headache it must have been a pretty wild and wet night. In more ways than one. He was about to ask her what her name was again when the woman straightened up and stood tall next to him. "So you’re awake now," she said with a smile before moving over to pull the curtains aside.

With a frown he watched how his illusion, his dream, vanished and he was once again thrown back to reality. Back in the hospital room with a middle aged woman looking over at him and the sun shining much too bright into the room. Mentally he scolded himself. How could he be so stupid that he thought he was back on tour again? Back to his old living?

It was yet another day in the life of Nick Carter. A day that would hopefully not suck as much as the last one had. Fat chance. By the look on the nurse’s face he knew he was soon due for another round of poking and prodding. Like a freaking guinea pig! This was a life so far away from the glamour he experienced with the Backstreet Boys. At least to some extent. Back a year or two his life was also filled with trouble and drugs but a whole different sort than what was pumping through his veins these days. Now it was chemo and anti nausea medication; then it was powder and booze.

"Did you sleep well?" the nurse suddenly asked, startling him from his own thoughts.

"Mmmmphfff," he grumbled, leaning his face once more against the pillow in a vain attempt to block out the sun that was shining into the room. The bright light hurt his eyes not to mention his head. "Can you please shut the blinds," he muttered with disgust. "I want it dark."

"A little sun will do you good, Mr. Carter. It will give a healthy look into those pale cheeks," she said with a thick southern accent, pulling at the curtains to oblige her patient. "Better?"

There was no answer. Instead Nick sighed heavily. "So what kind of freaked out experiment are you gonna do on me today?" he asked crisply.

The nurse snickered. "My..my someone must have woken up on the wrong side today."

Bitch! Rolling his eyes, he put his pillow over his head. It was his shelter. His shield from the world outside. The nurse continued to check his IV line, "You´re not very talkative today," she remarked.

He groaned. Why couldn´t they just be quiet and leave him alone? Hadn´t he done enough of share in his time trying to be cheerful and talkative in the past? What was so bad with a silent Nick?

"Is something the matter?" The brunette hovered over him with a frown and he could feel her tugging at his pillow. "Do you feel sick?"

"No..just tired." He still hadn´t moved an inch. It was if he laid there perfectly still, unmovable like a vegetable, they wouldn´t pay him that much attention and hopefully in the end forget about him. This would in turn lead up to that he didn´t have to do any of those hateful tests that sent his nerves spinning. But deep inside he knew that his wishes were futile. They would soon perform tests on him like he was some kind of freakshow.

He knew he was being in a foul mood but he didn´t think it was wrong since anyone that had to be cooped up in this small hospital room would go beserk. All he wanted to do was to leave this hell hole and get a decent meal and sleep in his own bed. Was that too much to ask for?

For the first time for what felt like ages his stomach hadn´t made any threats to escape and all that was left was tiredness and that nasty headache. It was bad but he had endured much more while trying to sing his heart out in front of thousands of fans. It was nothing that a few Tylenol couldn´t cure. He hoped.

Biting his lip he thought about how miserable he felt. Mentally. It was a week today since he had the surgery and now he was ready to leave. To be with his friends and family instead of wasting valuable time. He didn´t want to perform any more tests since no matter what the results would show he felt like his days were numbered and the time he had left he wanted to spend with family and friends instead of counting tiles on the ceiling.

"Nick I know that you don´t like the tests but they are for your own good," cooed the nurse, tugging at his pillow. Not answering he held onto his "shield" even harder and this had the nurse grunt with displeasure. "Mr. Carter let go off the pillow. You are NOT a baby." The words hit hard and instantly he let go of his safety net. Wiping the tears that had escaped down his cheeks with the back of his hand he glared up at the nurse, half expecting her to scold him about how immature he was acting. When no such thing came and instead she showed a worried frown he became actually scared. Was he so bad of that he wasn´t worth yelling at anymore?

A cool hand felt his forehead briefly, and before he had time to react a thermometer was placed in his ear. "What?" he asked when he saw the concern shining in the woman’s eyes.

"Shhh..it´s nothing," the nurse with the nametag Lucette said with a soft smile. "It´s probably nothing. You lay still and this won´t take long."

Nick nodded. This was ONE proceure he was pretty used to and all he could do was thank his lucky stars that the hospital didn´t stuck the devices in his mouth or even worse in a place where the sun didn´t shine very often. He must have dozed off a couple of minutes before the next thing he knew was Lucette taking the digital temp out, scanning it with eyebrows that furrowed worse than Kevin’s. He felt a sudden urge to tell her that she looked like his older friend but something in that topic told him that it wouldn´t be too wise. Especially since she looked at him with a hint of sadness.

Watching her scribble down some figures on his journal pad he asked, "A fever?"

"Mmmm.." she delayed her answer, "You´re running a slight temperature." With a frown she continued, "You´re sure that you´re not experiencing any pain? Nausea?"

"Yes!" God she could be so annoying. Didn´t he say that he felt fine before? Ok fine could be relative since being on a chemo never left you feeling one hundred percent but then when had he ever felt that way in the past. Not very often since there were always one germ waiting to attack him after the last had run it´s course. AJ called it the Nick curse! He was so sick and tired of everyone question his judgement. Gosh, he tought he was old enough to decide when he felt like hell but apparently not. If it wasn´t for the guys questioning if he should really go to that club instead of being at home nursing a cold it was some stupid nurse in a stupid hospital that didn´t believe him when he said he felt fine. It was the truth. That is if you didn´t count the headaches..but these he was getting so used to that he barely registered them anymore.

Even if the whole situation annoyed the hell out of him he had to grin slightly. Maybe the guys were right after all. That his sense of judging his own health was a bit torn in the sides since once when he had chills he had complained that there was no heat on the bus just to discover moments later that he was running a fever of 103 and that it was in the middle of the summer.

"Dr. Andersen will soon come and talk to you," the nurse informed, cutting through his thoughts like a knife. Once again he was jerked back to reality.

"Uh huh."

What was the doctor going to do this time? More poking and prodding? Shutting his eyes he tried to make clear that he wasn´t up for any conversation, but Lucette seemed to have other things on her mind. "Mr. Carter it´s time for your feeding and then you might want to use the bathroom."

Instantly his eyes snapped open. No more J-feeding crap! "I don´t want to." He whined like a kid.

"What don´t you want?" Lucette asked from where she was preparing to give him some of that feeding stuff.

"That!" He pointed towards the yellow diarrhea like substance. "It makes me sick!" His tone was hard and annoyed and the nurse couldn´t neglect the disgust that filled his voice.

"It´s for your own good."

"Urgh.." He shook his head, sounding and looking like a three year old that wanted to eat on his own. "I want something to eat. Something solid!" It wasn´t with mild surprise that he heard himself utter these words. There were pains in his stomach, but not that kind of pains that he had associated with the disease. No this was different..more like hunger pains and this was something he hadn´t felt in a very long time. Looking at the nurse with a stern look he continued, "I want a hamburger!"

A smile lit up on the nurse face. "So Mr. Carter is finally asking for food. You must be doing better then."

"Yes.." His face suddenly lit up. "Can you do something about it? Get me a Micky D´s? or even better a pizza?" He looked at her with sad puppy dog eyes, "Pleaaaseeee???"

A chuckle was heard. "No I think you better lay off the hamburgers for a while but I´ll see what I can do about the solids." Preparing the sterile bag she looked at him, "I will talk with Dr. Andersen and then we see what we can do about it. Good enough?"

Moaning Nick looked at her, still trying to give her to look that he knew had thousands of females falling in front of his feet with the slightest twitch, "Awww come on..just a tiny little piece of pizza." He smiled at her, "I won´t tell anyone..promise."

The smile that worked on so many didn´t seem to work on this hard necked woman and she said with a smile, "No Mr. Carter you will have to do with Jello for the time being." A groan was heard from the bed before she continued, "But for now I will give you this." Holding up the large syringe she prepared to give him his breakfast.

If there was one thing he had learned throughout the years was when he had lost a game and this time he knew he was the looser. With a sigh he said, "Ok Jello will do for now...but please hurry I wanna taste something edible not this crap!" Never in his life he had thought his mouth was salivating over something as disgusting as jello. But the sheer thought sent his tastebuds into high spin. He would eat just aboout anything to get of this J-feeding tube and that included anything to jello and ensure.

"What a bunch of crap," Nick muttered to himself as he kept flipping through channels on his remote control. The day was filled with soap operas and talk shows and if he had to endure one more Ricky Lake or Ophra he was sure he would barf. Not that he didn´t like the hostess, no they were both pretty cool and he had met them several times in the past. It was more the way people revealed everything in their life just to get a spot in the limelight.

He wasn´t much of a tv man, more into movies. The only time he actually watched a tv show longer than a few minutes was when he was sick or plain exhausted to do anything but slouch on the coach or being on the road and had nothing better to do. Today two out of three options was fullfilled and he was bored out of his skull.

If his life had sucked in the morning it was nothing compared to what it sucked in the afternoon. His doctor had come to talk to him earlier on and all hope that he would be put on solids had quickly dimished when he spiked a fever a couple of hours ago. It wasn´t bad and he felt actually pretty good, laying in bed under a blanket, having nurses come in now and then to look him over. There was posítive stuff about running a fever also since the hated bone marrow tests he was scheduled to have later on in the afternoon had been cancelled until the next day when he was hopefully free of fever.

Through blurred eyes he watched how a blue haired girl bawled her eyes out over at Ricky Lake. Her boyfriend had dissed her for her aunt of sixty and now he was declaring that they were going to get married. She was so mad that she even threatened to kill his dad. It was all so absurd that Nick had to laugh. They were all making an ass out of themselves, and for what? A few minutes of fame. "It ain´t worth it honey. Trust me," he muttered to himself when she threatened to kill herself. Live. He knew what he was talking about since he had lived half of his life inside the Backstreet "bubble". There had been lots of ups and downs in his life and much was because the business he was in. There were times when he lived and breathed fame into his every pore and there were times when he was so sick of it that all he wanted to do was puke. The business was hard and there had been times when he decided it was not worth all the shit he had been going through. But everytime he felt like that he was reminded of what was making him stay in this business.

The fans!

There was nothing more fullfilling than performing infront of people that loved what you were doing. Loved the music. He had seen more than one time what incredible stuff that could happened. He´d met children, sick with cancer who told them that they were the only reason for living. He´d listened to girls telling him that when they put on the music it was like it cured loneliness. At one time a girl had told him that she was on the verge of committing suicide but then heard the song show me the meaning of being lonely and stopped her actions. That time Nick had been really shook up and he had gone straight to the hotel room to think. The guys had asked him what was wrong but he´d refused to answer. This was much too big and important just to be joked away moments later.

Running a hand over his face he felt fatigue set in. The fever that was running in his veins, combined with the chemo he was receiving was making him weak so he shut the tv off. Rolling to his side he stared into the peagreen wall for a moment. There had been so much happening in his life. So much more than he had ever revealed to the public. Shutting his eyes he mentally decided that if he was to end his life here and now he would still not regret anything. He had lived fully and that was more than he could say about people that were old.

Live fast, die young. This was a motto he decided to live by. To the fullest. All the way to the bitter end.

But fate had wanted it differently and he was living the hectic life of a popstar in one of the most popular popbands in music history. He was a celebrity, a millionare and had to endure the downside of fame, that came within this territory, whether it was dealing with screaming hysterical fans or nosy journalists.

Today was one of those days when he wanted to be ‘John Doe’ especially since the line of fans waiting to see a glimpse of their idols were very long outside the studio and journalists kept calling them 24/7. It was like they had no other obligations than to tend to the media and fan’s needs and this had Brian very annoyed. He knew he was labeled as ‘the-most-hard-to-meet-Backstreet-Boy’ and there was more than one person that had thought he was stuck up and not interested in the fans. The truth was that the reason for his action was that he had to keep a low profile so that he could stay sane. He needed his own personal life to be outside the business or he was sure the industry would eat him alive. This was more out of survival instincts than being cold hearted.

They had been in a meeting all day with their record label. The issue they were discussing was about the album as well as the bands future and the guys and the record companys opinions differed rather forcefully. To tell the truth Brian didn´t have the energy to follow much of the conversation since all he wanted to do was go back to Nick’s place and get a few hours of well needed sleep. Even if he knew that the group’s whole future was at stake there was much more important things on his mind.

Leighanne had called during one of their breaks and she had been very upset, crying on the telephone. The reason for her distress was that she had been to see the OB doctor earlier in the day and her specialist had told her that her cervix was soft and had started to dialate half an inch and this together with her high blood pressure was cause for concern. Her specialist had wanted her admitted so they could take run some medications through an IV as well as monitor her to see if she was having small contractions and they had told her that there was a slight risk that she could go into premature labor with their baby boy. This was no good since she wasn´t due for another six weeks and every day that the baby could stay in the uterus was valuable time.

The news had shook up Brian pretty bad and he felt totally torn in his descions. One part of him wanted to stay with Nick while the other part ached to go back home and be with his wife and unborn child. None of the other guys knew about the news he received today and he didn´t think it was the best time to tell them either since they were much too wrapped up in talking legal contracts and other obligations.

"Brian!" He could feel a hand on his arm, "Have you heard anything that has been said?" His cousin’s southern drawl pierced into his thoughts and he blinked several times, as to clear his mind. "You alright?" Clearing his voice he nodded, "Uh..yeah..I was just thinking." He half expected AJ to throw in a punchline, something witty like he always used to do like, ‘Don´t hurt yourself.’ This never happened since their age was starting to show and they had become much more serious and mature. The only one that could still throw a line like that was Nick, although Brian doubted it since his young "brother" was much more serious these days, especially since he became sick with cancer.

After regaining his composure he smiled paley. "I´m fine." The words didn´t sound too reasurring since all of the guys looked at him like he was some kind of UFO. They had concern written on their expressions and no matter how hard Brian tried to look as everything was just peachy it didn´t fool good ol' Kev.

"I think it´s time to take five."

No one disagreed.

The meeting had been going on much too long and they weren´t even near coming to an agreement. The record label wanted the guys to finish doing their album right now when they were hung up, especially with Nick’s illness, but the guys wanted to wait. There was no way that Nick was in any shape or form to go into the studio and start working on an album when he couldn´t even sit up for ten minutes straight without getting tired. But the management seemed to think otherwise and they wanted to "cash in” on Nick’s illness. It was strictly business for them.

Kevin who was as always the "spokesman" of the group defended their opinions that they had to wait until Nick would get better since anything that could tax him out might be worse for his health. When management had said that they were going to disappoint millions of fans and told them to do the album without Nick, Kevin had stated in his calm authoritive tone that they had been five all these years and they would remain this way. Five or None was when Nick remained well enough to record was their last offer. No negoatiations.

Managment was far from happy and had pulled a stunt that if they didn´t do the album they were suppose to do in their contract within limited time they would all get sued. Personally. It had been pretty ugly there for a while and Brian was actually happy Nick wasn´t there to hear it all. He would be much too worked up.

Once they were out in the hallway Brian felt a hand on his shoulder, "Cuz is something wrong?" Kevin’s eyes were filled with seriousness and a hint of concern. "You look troubled."

Brian, never good at hiding what he was feeling inside, bit his lip. His heart was heavy and he felt like his whole life was starting to break apart....piece by piece. First Nick’s disease then Leighanne’s problem pregnancy and now the fight over the upcoming album. It was all getting to be too much and he seriously doubted if he would be able to handle it all professionally. Last day’s incident over at the studio had only been a fortelling on what to come and there were signs that had Brian wondering if he was on a verge of a nervous breakdown.

He needed time to be alone and think!

"I´m fine..this meeting is kind of taxing me out though."

AJ who pressed a cigarette to his lips nodded with agreement. "I know what you´re talking about. Man all these dudes ever care about is money and they don´t give a flying fuck about us or Nicky for that matter feels about the situation." He shook his head while lighting the cigarette with his gold lighter. "It´s fucking crazy man and I´m happy Kaos isn´t here hearing all this shit!" As to state his opinion he blew smoke towards the management that was standing talking further down the hallway and added with loads of disgust, "Fuckers!"

With a frown of disgust Kevin shook his head, turning his back towards the rebel to face his cousin again. "I know this whole affair is stressing us all out but Brian you seem to have alot on your mind.." He didn´t have a chance to end his sentence before AJ cut in with a snort, "Don´t we all?" Irritated over being interrupted with his attempt to find out what was bugging his cousin he sneered, "Jay I´m not talking to you. Why don´t you go and find something else to do." His tone was crisp like a midwinter night.

AJ, not liking to be told off like a three year old set his eyes into Kevin’s and opened his mouth to say something obscene back when Howie cut in. "Yes J, come on." Patting his friend on his back he tried to cool him down, "Let´s go out and get some fresh air. This whole place stinks."

"No wonder," Kevin muttered shaking his head "and put that cigarette out when you leave will ya?"

AJ ready to get into a battle snapped with an irritated glare."What´s biting your ass?"

Kevin wasn´t late in retrorting, "You,"

Howie, the bands peacemaker saw a fight coming on and quickly said, "Jay come on lets go." When AJ started to refuse, still too worked up over being treated like a kid he hardened the grip on his shoulder, "NOW!" With a displeased grunt the younger man shrugged his shoulders and then mumbled a silent “Ass” before shutting the door behind him.

As soon as the two men were out of sight Kevin let out a deep sigh. "Damn he can be so freaking annoying," he complained, "you would think the guys would start to mature some day..but no."

Brian smiled paley. "Yeah it´s like he is taking Nick’s place lately." The two of them chuckled before Kevin grew serious again. "Really man..what´s the matter with you? Did something happen? Is it this whole situation that’s getting to you? Because if it is I´m telling you that you´re not alone."

Brian, feeling a bit uncomfortable, fidgeted nervously while biting on his fingernail. "No..it´s not that," he said when Kevin’s eyes had pierced through his soul long enough.

"Then what is it? Nick?"

He shook his head again, knowing that it was stupid not to spell out what was really bothering him. Leighanne and the baby. The reason for not spilling anything was because he thought that the rest of the guys had enough their minds and that he didn´t have to add any more by taking up his own problems too. Besides he needed some time to think and had told Leigh that he would call her later on in the evening. His mind was more and more set to going back home and he knew that she would be very happy with his decision. But would Nick and the guys be that way too?

"Leigh?" Kevin kept pressing on, making no attempt to stop in his mission to find out what was making his friend so gloomy. Noticing Brian’s eyes darken he set his hand to his face, "God Brian, don´t say that something has happened to her?" His mind started to recall the phone call a few hours earlier when Brian had hastily left and returned looking like a zombie. After that conversation his cousin had remained quiet and withdrawn all the time wrapped up in his own thoughts. He´d thought that the change in mood mainly was beacuse Brian always hated these kind of meetings but now he knew better. "Is it the baby?"

The words couldn´t have hit harder. Brian had to do everything to keep his head and he desperately tried to hold back the tears that burned in his eyes. When he was younger he was being very emotional but these days he mostly kept all the feelings inside himself. It hurt less that way. Today however it was like the damm broke and he was genuinely scared that he had reached the bottom. There was only so much stress that a man could face at a time. With a nod he started to tell about Leighanne and the situation that they were in for.

It felt so good to let it all out and Kevin listened without making any comments.

"And now I don´t know what to do..I feel like I´m in a mousetrap and can´t get out. Leigh needs me and I wanna go home to her but at the same time I´ve signed to be Nick’s advocate and he needs me too." Brian let out a sigh of despair, his shoulder hunched down. Before he could react he felt Kevin lay an arm around his shoulders.

"I´m so very sorry bro," he said with genuine concern. "But you have to do what feels the best for you."

"If it was that easy..but I don´t know." Brian knew he sounded desperate yet he couldn´t help it. He didn´t want to see either of the parts being hurt.

"I know..I know.." The older man looked at his friend. "You wanna hear what I think?”

Shrugging away from Kevin’s warm embrace Brian looked at him, "Yes."

"I think you should do what your heart wants to. Don´t think of what other person wants you to do. I know that you feel very much for Nick and that you want to be with him but I also know that Leigh and the baby mean very much to you too so I think you should go back home.

"You really think so?" Brian said slowly, "I don´t know..I feel like I´m letting him down if I leave."

"No, you´re not. Nick will understand, besides he is doing much better and we and his family are all there to support him and once everything clears up back home you can come down here again. Besides he´s just a phone call and a couple of hours flight away."

"Ok," he ran his hand through his hair, "I guess you´re right. I will call the airport and book some tickets and then I will go back after the meeting then."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Kevin smiled but his smile didn´t reach his eyes.

"All I have to do is tell the guys and hope that they understand." He felt a twinge of worry.

"They will....they know how much your family means to you," his cousin reassured, "Now go ahead and book those tickets."

Brian nodded. He felt like a kid waiting for his parent to tell him what to do. But it felt good at the same time. Like a relief. Once again Kevin had proved to be there for him, not only for Nick who he had been jealous of many times when he thought that the kid had gotten too much attention. Today however he didn´t feel like that. Instead he was grateful for the rock Kevin proved to be. The rock that was there to lean against when his own life was too rough to handle.

He didn´t know how long he had been laying there but every bone in his body hurt and everytime he tried to open his eyes it felt like his world would go into one endless spinning circle and he was on a roller coaster ready to be slung out of his bed. Taking a steady grip in his bed he willed himself to be still long enough to comprehend what was going on around him but it was too hard to do and all he could do was groan at the misery he was in.

Fever raged in his body and the chills wracked him so hard that he was chattering teeth. He´d recognized the signs of running a pretty high fever and it was confirmed when there was always someone by his side and they were doing everything they could to lower his temperature. His mind felt so mushy and strange like he was walking on thin clouds and every move made him groan out from discomfort. The sounds around him were jumbled and blurry, almost in the same way when you dive and get water in your ears. God knows he´d done it enough times to know what it felt like.

Shivering, he tried to get his teeth to stop chattering since it hurt his head too much. The headache was coming on stronger and it was accompanied by a nausea so bad that he just wanted to curl up and die. People kept talking to him but he didn´t have the energy to answer, much less raise his hand to tell them that he understood. Instead he just laid there feeling them prodding and poking at him, making his chills even worse when they put a cooling blanket over him. It was like he was in hell.....but a cold hell and it sucked just as much.

Several times he´d tried to tell them to leave him alone. To let him wallow in his own misery but his parched throat didn´t co-operate with him and the words came out like animal-like moans. Any attempt to open his eyes were futile since it sent his stomach up his throat, making the bile burn in his throat. Honestly he didn´t think he had the strength or energy to do yet another round of dry heaving and this left him content to just laying there, hoping that someone would have the decency to give him some good drugs so the pain and the discomfort would go away.

Instead they kept talking to him, making him even more annoyed. "Nick..Nick try and open your eyes for me," a female voice cooed and he wanted to tell her to leave him alone. A bright light was shone into his eyes making him cringe. God couldn´t they see that he was suffering?

That was how it was with cancer. Well enough to eat one hour then sicker than a dog the next!

Tears rolled down his cheeks as another icy chill ran up his spine and he desperatly tugged at his blanket trying to get some heat into his frozen body. The words "pain..syringe..sleep" was heard and he desperately wished that they had decided to end his misery. He didn´t have to wait long until the familiar burning sensation felt through his veins and soon he started to sink further and further away into oblivion...

"It´s your descision," Howie said when Brian had told the guys that he would go back home on the night flight. None of the guys had questioned his choice even if he could see in AJ´s eyes that he didn´t look too pleased. Yet the younger man said nothing and Brian was frimly determinded that he had made the right choice.

After their break the meeting never really picked up the same speed as it had before and at ten o’clock they decided to call it quits. Brian had to go back and pack for his flight and they were all beat and needed to re-think the situation. Management had offered them a deal that they were allowed a break until Brian’s baby was born since they were still too wrapped up in everything about this situation and they couldn´t concentrate on working on a new album. Hopefully by that time Nick would be doing better also and they would join together as a group again.

Just when they were about to wrap it up Brian’s cellphone started ringing. They all stiffened and looked at Brian who swallowed nervously. What if something had happened to Leighanne? Or the baby? Much too afraid to answer, his hands shook as he pushed the button and while desperately clearing his voice he awaited the worst of news.

There were a piercing silence in the room as Brian answered the phone.

Upon hearing a females voice on the other end his heart started to beat even faster. Was Leigh going into labour? Was everything allright with their baby? He felt like time stood still and he couldn´t hear a word that was being said since his heart pounded too fast. Too afraid that something had happened to his family he became paralyzed and the words hospital and fever was all that he took notice of as well as the rest of the guys silence and concerned expressions. Suddenly someone took charge and he felt a hand take away his cellphone.

"This is Kevin Richardson," he heard his cousin say with his slow southern drawl. "I´m Brian Littrell’s cousin.....is something wrong with his wife?"

Everybody looked at Kevin and they could all see how his facial expression changed as he was talking. He paled visibly and thoughts juggled in Brian’s mind and all he could think of was the worst. That she had gone into early labor and that he had lost both her and the baby. A gentle squeeze was felt on his shoulder and looking up he met Howie’s warm brown eyes smiling at him. "It´s ok buddy..it´s ok." the Latino said with comfort.

The whole conversation felt like eternity and he wanted Kevin to stop talking so he could know what was going on, but his cousin made no such attempt. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes like hours. Finally he could hear Kevin say thank you to the nurse or doctor at the other end and the minute he hung up Brian was there with his questions.

"How is she doing? What happened? Is the baby alright?"

Kevin remained silent for a few moments before saying slowly, "Brian that wasn´t about Leighanne."

"No?" Brian could feel his heartbeat slowing down and a relief washed all over him. "Not about the baby either?" Still he didn´t dare to let out the breath he´d been holding.

"No," Kevin shook his head and the rest of them looked at him with a mixture of annoyance and fright. AJ was the first to ask. "If it wasn´t about Leigh or the baby then what is it?" They all knew the anwer but none of them wanted to hear it.

"It´s Nick.." Kevin paused a moment before continuing, "he’s running a very high fever and they’ve taken him down to IUC......"

After a few narrow misses on the busy Tampa highway, AJ finally guided the SUV into the hospital parking lot, much to the relief his three passengers. Although it was well after 11:00 pm, the parking lot was still full and AJ voiced his displeasure. “Jesus..... why the fuck is everyone still here?”

Howie gestured to his right. “Over there!”

Without slowing the car down, he jerked the steering wheel and practically rammed the car into the empty parking space; his three passengers sent flying toward the right side of the interior. Before it came to complete stop, AJ pulled the lever into park and killed the engine.

“Now I understand why you go change cars as often as you change your underwear,” Kevin sighed.

AJ smirked as he flung his door open, hitting the side of the vehicle parked next to them. “I don’t wear underwear.”

”God Bone, could you be more sick.....and be a little careful of the car next to you!” Howie moaned.

Quickly exiting the car, the four men sprinted toward the hospital entrance, dodging pedestrians and oncoming cars.

“God this place is like Grand Central Station,” AJ huffed.

Brian out ran the others and reached the hospital information desk. Panting, he slapped his palms ontop of the round counter. “Where’s ICU?”

A middle-aged woman with red hair and frosted tips looked up at Brian over the top of her reading glasses. “Which ICU?”

Brian’s shoulders sagged at her response. “I dunno, Nick Carter is in ICU, what floor is it on?”

Sighing as she pushed her paperback novel aside, the woman started clicking the keys on the computer. “I don’t see any Carter....”

AJ stepped up to the counter, banging his fists. “Listen lady, he’s in here, just try a looking a little harder!”

“There’s no need to get snotty with me sir.....”

Howie gently pushed AJ aside. “His name is spelled N-i-c-k-o-l-a-s C-a-r-t-e-r.”

The woman nodded as she typed in the corrected spelling. “He’s in ICU on seven...” Brian interrupted the woman as he pushed himself away from the counter racing toward the row of elevators down the hallway. “Sir! Sir! Only immediate family can go to ICU!” She called out as she watched the four men rush off.

Brian repeatidly pressed the button to call for an elevator to take them up to the seventh floor, all the while muttering under his breath, ”Come on.....come on.” To him it seemed to take forever before the doors finally opened and he slipped in, barely allowing the passengers time to get off as he frantically pushed the button to seven.

The anguish Brian was feeling in his heart was nothing compared to the guilt he was feeling in his head. Only a few hours ago he was thinking about leaving his best friend to go home to his wife...thinking that everything was going to be alright with Nick and now this was happening......what if he had already flown out to Atlanta? What if something really bad was happening with Nick? Would he have been able to live with himself knowing that he had abandoned him when he needed him the most? And what about Leighanne? What if something bad was happening with her?

“Brian, it’s our floor.”

“Huh?” He turned toward Kevin’s voice and realized there were four sets of eyes staring at him and the elevator had stopped.

“Are you alright?”

Straightening his posture, Brian started heading off the elevator. “Yeah, sorry.”

They followed the signs that led to the ICU ward, stopping at a nurse’s station that was situated outside of closed steel double doors. The words NO ADMITTANCE was boldly labeled in red across both doors.

“We’re here to see Nick Carter,” Kevin stated with a calm voice.

The man behind the counter looked at the young men suspeciously. “Only family members are allowed.”

“We are his family,” AJ rasped.

The male nurse set his jaw in determination as he looked at AJ and Howie. “Yeah, I’m sure you are but only real family members are allowed.”

As AJ opened his mouth to reply to the nurse, Kevin placed a hand on AJ’s shoulder. “Look, we’re his only family here, so we should be able to go in to see him.”

“Sorry, rules are rules.”

Kevin gestured toward Brian. “What about him? He’s Nick’s patient advocate, he should at least be able to go in.”

The nurse eyed Brian as he reached back for a chart. “What’s your name?” As Brian gave him his name, the nurse opened the chart and flipped through a few pages. He stood up and motioning with his hand, he said, “I’ll take you in. The rest of you can wait in the waiting room on my left.”

Brian looked at Kevin with sad eyes as he turned toward the ICU doors. Kevin placed a comforting hand on his cousin’s shoulder. “Go on, it’s okay.”

“You can only stay for ten minutes,” the nurse stated as he led Brian to the doorway leading to the room.

Standing outside Nick’s ICU room, Brian drew a deep breath in. He wasn’t sure how he’d find Nick and from his vantage point outside the glass, all he could see was IV’s, monitors and his nurse standing beside his bedside. She turned for a moment to acknowledge Brian and then returned her attention to her patient.

“You can come in, it’s okay....”

Hesitantly, Brian inched his way into the room, afraid to get too close to the bed.

“You can come up here, I’m about finished.”

“I don’t want to get in your way...... how is he?”

“Guarded.”

Brian tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. Guarded wasn’t a good word, was it? “Guarded, is that good?”

The nurse adjusted the IV tubing and answered without taking her eyes away from a monitor. “Out of all the choices he could be evaluated as, guarded is good for his situation. I’m finished checking his lines, you can come up and see him if you want.”

“Um....why exactly was Nick put in ICU?”

“I’m sorry, I’m really not at liberty to talk about the patient...”

“I’m his patient advocate.”

“Oh, well then I guess I can tell you.... he spiked a temp and we are having difficulty bringing it down. Dr. Andersen is running tests to determine the cause of the fever.”

“But why ICU?”

“He’s an oncology patient and there is certain criteria that is followed for intensive care admissions. With him being on chemo, a fever indicates a possible infection and we need to find out where the infection is. He needs constant nursing care and he may need to be in isolation if his blood counts don’t pick up soon.”

Brian felt numb when he heard isolation. He remembered his talk with Dr. Andersen and she had outlined some of the things that could cause Nick’s progress to go backwards and that isolation was one. This was all becoming too surreal.

“Go ahead, he’s not a canidate for isolation just yet,” the nurse stated softly as she approached Brian, breaking him out of his dazed trance.

“Huh?”

“You can go be with Nick if you’d like. He’s sleeping right now but I’m sure he’d be happy to have someone here. I’ll be out at my station if you need anything.”

Brian slowly approached the bed, taking in all the equipment that was surrounding Nick. It wasn’t the first time that he was hooked up to so many devices, but the reality of this time was almost too much for Brian to take. He was in ICU and the uncertainty of his condition had Brian scared.

He scooped Nick’s hand into his, surprised at how warm his skin was.

“Ma-mom........I’m so thristy,” Nick mumbled hoarsely.

Brian tightened his hold on his brother’s hand. “Shh-hhh Nicky, it’s me.”

“I wanna go ride my bike.....I cleaned my plate.”

Brian furrowed his brows as he listened to Nick’s incoherant rambling. “Nick, you’re in the hospital....” Looking down at his sweat soaked, pale complextion, Brian knew that his explanation was in vain. The fever had Nick in its tight grip and he may as well be talking Swedish because anything he had uttered wasn’t being comprehended.

“I’m thirsty....”

Just as Brian was letting go of Nick’s hand, his nurse re-entered the room.

“Nick says he’s thirsty.”

Without hesitating, the nurse returned with a cup with a straw. “Sip slowly,” she said softly.

“Have they called his folks?” Brian asked.

“Yes, I think his father.”

‘Figures,’ Brian mentally decided. He knew how wrapped up Jane Carter was with Aaron and he figured since her and Nick’s falling out that she would make sure she kept a distance from her son. He had a hard time accepting that this woman could be so cold hearted to her own flesh and blood. If it was his mother, no matter what the circumstances, she would be there for him, as what all mothers should do. His thoughts were broken away when Nick started coughing.

“Dr. Andersen wants this started STAT,” a young woman said as she entered the room carrying a small IV bag, wearing latex gloves and a mask. “We’re going to have to move him to isolation.”

Brian’s eyes widened. His worst fears were starting to happen.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“RSV,” the nurse replied in a mechanical voice.

“RSV? What......what’s RSV?”

“Respiratory Syncytial Virus.”

Brian shook his head. “What does that mean?”

“It means that it’s something very serious for Nick,” the older of the two nurses explained. “It’s a common illness in children and babies but can prove fatal for cancer patients. Basically, Nick has a cold but he got a nasty virus and if we don’t treat it he could die from this.”

Brian gasped. “He could die?”

“We’re doing everything we can for Nick and hopefully his system will fight this.”

During the explanation of what was happening to Nick, Brian noticed that his friend had fallen asleep. He reached over to take his hand when several people came into the ICU room wearing gowns and masks, latex gloves on their hands.

“I’m sorry but you’re going to have to leave while we transfer him. We will call for you when he’s settled.” After the nurse made her statement, she placed a surgical mask over Nick’s face.

Brian squeezed Nick’s hand before he parted. “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

Mechanically, Brian pressed on the blue plate that would allow the huge steel double doors to open. Taking a deep breath, he trudged toward the waiting room, unsure if he wanted to face his band brothers and tell him how Nick was doing.

Upon entering the small room, he found Howie thumbing through a magazine, AJ and Kevin drinking coffee. No one had noticed him at first when he entered the room; it was AJ that quickly started asking questions.

“How is he.....can we go in and see him?”

“They’re moving him into isolation,” Brian replied in a flat voice.

Kevin’s face visibly paled. “What?”

Brian tugged a hand through his hair as he tried to keep his composure. “They’re moving him into isolation.”

Howie had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing first hand that isolation was never something good....especially when you were ill with a life-threatening disease. Thoughts of his sister Caroline sprung into his mind; goosebumps on his arms.

All eyes watched as Brian quietly sank down into the chair that was positioned by the open door. Not until he rested his elbows on his knees and bowed his head into his hands did anyone dare ask the question that was hanging in the silent room.

“Why is Nick going into isolation.......has something happened from the surgery?” Kevin asked in a calm voice.

With his head still in his hands, Brian only shook his head negatively. A few moments had passed without anymore explanations from Brian.

“Jesus.......why the fuck are they taking Nick into isolation,” AJ demanded.

Brian lifted his head to look at AJ; unshed tears shining in his eyes. “He’s got RSV.”

AJ narrowed his eyes. “What the hell is that? Another cancer?”

The tears that Brian had been holding in finally slipped down his cheeks. “No it’s not another cancer......it’s a virus....they told me what it was called...respiratory something.”

Howie finally spoke up. “I know what that is, one of my nieces had that when she was a baby.” Kevin and AJ directed their attention to the Latino.

“Babies get that? So how come Nick got it?” AJ demanded. “What kind of fucked up place is this hospital?”

Kevin shot a dark look at AJ’s direction. ”AJ!”

“The hospital knows what they’re doing,” Howie stated softly.

“Is it because of the surgery that they put him into ICU?” Kevin questioned.

Brian shook his head. “No......I guess Nicky had started running a fever.....”

“Don’t they know that’s normal for Kaos?” AJ interrupted.

Ignoring AJ’s comment, Brian continued. “And they were having a hard time bringing it down. They did some tests to find out what the cause of the fever was and I guess something came back saying he had RSV.....”

As Kevin and Howie digested the information that Brian gave them, AJ paced the floor.

“Did you get to talk to Nick at all?” Howie asked.

“No, not really, he was kinda out-of-it when I was in there,” Brian paused for a moment, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I guess he was delirious from the high fever......God, his hand was really hot.”

A young male doctor entered the waiting room, interrupting the coversation. “I’m Dr. Simon, which one of you is Brian Littrell?”

Brian felt his heart leap into his throat, millions of thoughts running through his mind. “I-I am.”

The doctor glanced at the other men in the room. “We need to talk about Mr. Carter, please follow me to the conference room.....”

“You can talk here......we’re Nick’s family,” Brian replied in a strong voice.

Dr. Simon sat in the seat next to Brian. “Alright then. I’m an intern working with Dr. Andersen and I need to get some specifics on Mr. Carter.” Kevin automatically placed a firm hand on AJ’s forearm when he could see his brother’s reactions to the doctor’s statement out of the corner of his eye.

Brian nodded in reply.

“Would you say before his diagnosis of the lymphoma, Nick was generally in good health?”

“Jesus Christ!” AJ sputtered, slapping Kevin’s hand away from his arm. “Why don’t you read his fucking chart? I’m sure that has everything you fucking need to know!”

Kevin smiled weakly at the doctor, embarrassed at AJ’s outburst.

“I’ve known Nick for over ten years and he usually seemed prone to picking up every bug that seemed to be floating around,” Brian stated.

“Did he have unusually high fevers?”

“No......I don’t think he did........”

Normally Howie would wait quietly in the background but this time he uncharacteristically spoke up. “Yes he did, Brian don’t you remember when we were on tour in Japan and they thought Nicky had the mumps and he was put into the hospital because of his high fever?”

“Oh, yeah, that was probably when he got sick with this,” Brian commented in a hushed whisper. “This fever......how bad is it?”

The young doctor sighed. “It’s always serious in a chemotherapy patient. We’ve got him on Respigam which is a strong antibiotic for Respiratory Syncytial Virus and he’s also getting some IV fluids to hopefully bring the fever down.”

“How high is his temperature?” Kevin questioned.

“Last time he was checked, he was at 105.3,” Dr. Simon replied.

“Why did you take Nick into isolation? Because of the fever?” Kevin asked.

Dr. Simon shook his head. “No, Nick was placed into isolation because of the RSV. He is at risk for developing pneumonia with this but he is also an infection risk for other patients on the ICU floor.”

“How did Nick get something that only babies get?” AJ demanded. “Was it something that this place did to him? Did you infect him?”

Kevin smiled, but the red tinge on his cheeks displayed the embarrassment he was feeling for AJ’s outburst. “Nick is in the best place possible and we know you’ll do everything that you can to help him.

The intern nodded slightly. “Thanks.”

Brian stopped the young doctor as he was leaving. “Doctor, would it possible for these guys to see Nick too? We’re all his family basically, and I was just wondering if it would be alright.”

The doctor glanced at Howie, Kevin and then his eyes rested on AJ’s face for a moment before he looked back at Brian. “I don’t see that there should be a problem, but it would only be one person at a time since there will be sterile precautions in isolation. I’ll let the nursing staff know.”

After the doctor left the waiting room, AJ suddenly strode towards the door.

“Hey, where are you going?” Kevin quietly demanded.

“I need a cigarette,” AJ rasped, barely hesitating in his steps. Kevin could only shake his head in disgust as he watched the skinny man hurry out of the waiting room. He knew that this was AJ’s private way of dealing with stress.

As AJ took the elevator to the lobby, he kept his eyes focused to the floor, not bothering to make eye contact with any of the passengers. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, he just wanted to be left alone in his own misery.

Quickly stepping through the revolving doors, he wasted no time placing a cigarette to his lips, cupping the shiny gold lighter and flipping it open expertly with one hand. Taking a deep drag from the cigarette, he could feel the calming nicotine reach the depths of his lungs. Exhaling slowly, he walked a few feet away from the entrance.

After finishing the first cigarette, AJ dug into his front shirt pocket pulling out a fresh pack. As he stood softly slamming the package of smokes against his open palm, he slowed his actions when he caught sight of what appeared to be Bob Carter exiting a taxi dashing towards the entrance.

“Hey Bob!” AJ approached the older man, taking in his disheveled appearance.

Bob Carter slowed, running a hand over his blonde hair, trying to straighten the mess.

“Where’s Jane?”

Instead of taking time to stop and have a conversation with AJ, he kept walking only saying that his wife was still in LA.

Still holding onto the pack of cigarettes, AJ followed Bob through the revolving doors. “Still in LA?” he asked increduliously. “What do you mean still in LA? Taking a later flight?”

“No, I mean she’s still in Los Angeles and won’t be coming down here.”

“You know that Nick’s in ICU, right?”

“Yes, they told us that when they called........how is he?”

“ICU......that means Intensive Care, Bob......”

“I know what ICU means AJ,” Bob Carter hissed.

“So why the fuck ain’t Jane with you then?”

Finally Bob Carter stopped and turned to face AJ. “None of your goddamn business..”

AJ’s face turned a deep shade of crimson from the rage he was feeling inside. “You mean to tell me that that bitch didn’t bother to come to see her son?”

Bob Carter stared icily at his son’s tattooed bandmate. “So are you going to take me to see my son or do I have to talk to someone at the information desk?”

“I can take you up to the waiting room, he’s being moved to isolation.....I think if I were you I’d get my head out of my ass and call my wife to tell her that her son might be dying....”

The words echoed in the corridor like thunder and for a moment it was like a time lapse. Time was standing still. Like in slow motion AJ watched Bob Carter turning his face against his, red from fury.

Instantly AJ knew he had stepped out of line, still he didn´t want to let that on and instead said in a cocky tone, "Just what I said. Damn Bob, you would think that Jane would at least come and see her son when he was this sick." He shook his head in disgust, "After all he is her own flesh and blood." His tone was firm but inside he was shaking so bad that he had a hard time standing still. Nervously he waited for the next reaction to come.

And it came. With force.

"AJ let me make some things clear for you." His tone was hard and his eyes cold. "I don´t care what you think of Jane but she is my wife, Nick’s mother, whether you like it or not." The older man balled his fists like he was trying to keep his emotions in check. Taking a deep breath he continued, "I know that me and Jane have our differences but she had a legimite reason for not being here to today."

'Pah,' AJ snorted., 'She was probably at some promotion party.'

Noticing this disgust in the younger man’s face, Bob got even more upset, "Listen punk," he said looking sternly in AJ´s eyes, "She is doing the best she can. Jane is a good mother..." AJ rolled his eyes which had Bob tighten his tone, "I won´t tolerate you talking bad about her." A brief pause then a loud bark was heard, "Did I make myself clear McLean?"

"Eh..ye..yes sir." AJ jerked. Nick’s dad was usually pretty cool and calm but he knew from previous situations that he could have a very bad hot temper while being irritated over something. Nick used to say that they shouldn’t push his dad and now AJ knew why. Fire was practically spewing from his eyes.

"Good!" Bob nodded towards the elevator, "Now show me where Nick is." AJ opened his mouth to say something when Bob added in a more hushed town, "And McLean if I ever catch you saying something bad about Jane infront of Nick....." A young couple with a baby that instanty recognized the two men, smiled widely at them and both Bob and AJ responded with a quick grin. As soon as they had passed Bob wheezed, "I will kick your ass so bad that you won´t be abe to sit for weeks. Comprende?"

It hadn´t been out of curiousity or being mean he had blurted out the words he´d said. It was more out of concern for his friend and he wanted Bob to realize that Nick was in pretty bad shape and that he had done it out of best intentions. Hopefully the older man would grip that part.

Saying nothing more Bob hurried over to the elevator with long strides, AJ following behind as best as he could. Standing outside the doors he said, "What number is he on? What floor?" His lips were tight like a thin line and a worried frown was etched on his forehead. His eyes moving back and forth nervously. It was clear that AJ´s "information" had upset him greatly.

Taking charge of the situation, AJ pressed the button then comfortingly laid his hand on the older mans shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze. "I´m sorry Bob," he licked his lips nervously, "I didn´t mean what I said earlier." The older man raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘go on I´m listening.’ "It´s just...just that Nick ain´t doing so good."

Bob stopped, "What do you mean?"

AJ fidgeted nervously, taking his hand of the other mans shoulder, "Man, they have moved him over to isolation."

"Isolation?" Bob looked him sternly in his eyes. "What you´re saying? I thought they said he only spiked a high fever." There was a mixture of doubt and fright evident in his voice. "Did something happen?" The older man looked seriously worried and AJ could tell that he regretted his choice of going down to LA to see his family just this weekend.

AJ nodded, swallowing hard, "Eh yeah he spiked a pretty high fever and they couldn´t get it down, took some tests but then they found a virus...RV or some shit." AJ stopped to explain, "It´s that same shit that babies can get."

"RV virus?.." Bob thought for a moment, "You don´t mean the RSV virus?" He never took his eyes off the rebel.

AJ lit up, "Yeah..yeah that´s the name." He gazed at Nick’s dad, "You´ve heard of it?" Bob nodded and he continued, "anyway they said it was pretty bad and now they’re gonna start him on antibiotics." He looked quickly at Bob just to access how he was taking it all and then continued, "they took him down to isolation you know so he wouldn´t become any sicker and..."

Nick’s dad had been standing silent, taking in every word when he suddenly interrupted, "Bone I need to know something."

"Huh?"

"Did they..did they say that Nick actually was going to die?" His voice was so shaky that AJ feared that he would burst into tears and was having a hard time keeping his emotions in check.

"Eh," AJ fidgeted, "Uh not really..but..but he as a fever over 105 and.."

"105?" Bob gasped.

AJ nodded, "Mmmmm..but you know how Kaos is prone to running pretty high fevers so I´m sure he´ll pull through." He added that out of obligation to say something to enlighten the mood. Comfortably the elvator had reached their floor and a pling was heard as the elevator doors opened. Bob wasted no time in getting off and he sprinted towards the information desk, AJ in tow.

"I´m here to see my son," he said quickly to the young woman who was working on the computer.

She looked up and said while snapping her gum, "Oh and what´s his name?"

"Nickolas..Nickolas Gene Carter." Bob was talking fast and it was clear that he wanted to get going to his son as soon as possible.

"I´m sorry sir but Mr. Carter ain´t allowed any visitors." She talked with a thick southern accent.

"No visitors?" Bob snapped his eyes open, "But I´m his father, Robert Carter and you called me to get me down here.. ASAP."

"I´m sorry..doctors orders."

AJ who wasted no time listening to Bob argueing, went into the waiting room where Kevin and Brian sat, involved in what seemed to be, judging from their vivid moves, a heated discussion. "Yo," he said as he arrived, but no one seemed to take notice. The two cousins were much too involved in the "fight" and Howie was no where in sight.

"I’m telling you that you need to make up your mind." Kevin stated. "It won´t do Nick any good if you decide to stay here and still have your mind on Leigh and the baby. In that case its better that you go back and we call you if there are any changes. Good or bad."

"No..No," Brian shook his head negatively. "I can´t do that especially when Dr. Andersen has put him on the critical list. What if he gets any worse?"

That caught AJ’s attention. What were they saying? What had happened? He wanted to ask but it was clear that neither of the two were inclined to answer.

"Brian you need to rest."

"No..I said no." He was stubborn, "I´m his patient advocate and I´m suppose to be there for him." He was talking fast, almost as if in shock.

Kevin didn´t take no for an answer. Grabbing Brian’s shoulder with both hands he said firmly, "Listen to me. You´re needed at home. Nick has got us and his family and you´re needed with Leigh who has no one else." Brian continued to shake his head when Kevin calmed him down, "YES! You´re gonna be a dad soon and you need time to relax before that and can´t keep on being here with Nick all the time. You need to be focused and being this stressed out wont do you any good."

For a moment Brian looked close to tears, "I can´t!" he said hastily before standing up real fast, almost knocking down his chair in the process. "Can´t you see..I promised Nick to be there no matter what and now when he is turning for the worse I´m running away from it all."

'So this was it,' AJ thought. Brian was feeling guilt that Nick wasn´t going to make it. Feeling it fit to cut into the conversation that wasn´t leading anywhere he said, "Kev’s right you know. You better chill out dude. It won´t do you any good being this stressed out." He got a glare from both of the cousins, "Besides Bob is here now." He nodded towards the reception desk a bit further down the corridor. When neither of the men showed any interest for his arrival he continued, "So when can we go and see Nicky then?"

"We can´t!"

"Huh? What are you saying?" AJ looked at Brian in surprise, "Man how come? We were gonna see him, that intern said that."

"Yeah," Kevin nodded with a sigh, " Dr. Andersen decided that they wanted to keep him in total isolation until they had the virus under control.

"Maaaaaaan!" AJ blurted, "Now I know someone that is going to be pissed.." He didn’t have a chance to end his sentence when they heard a loud, "I´m demanding to see Dr. Andersen. NOW!" Bob sounded mighty upset. With a sigh the three man stood up and walked to the information desk where Nick’s dad was having another heated conversation. "I have the right to see my son." The young woman with the chewing gum had been accompanied with an older, more corpulent woman in glasses and a bad perm. On her tag you could read that she was one of the head nurses and Brian recognized her from being in Nick’s room on and off.

"Sir," she said calmly, "No one is allowed to visit Mr. Carter, not even family, at this moment. Dr. Andersen will notify when you can go and see him and she will also leave further information."

Upon hearing this the rest of the men got as scared as Bob did. "Has something happened?"

"I´m sorry but I can´t give out any information about the patinent. HIPPA Laws." The nurse was riding on her authority and this had Bob even more upset.

"LADY I don´t give a damn about that HIPPA bullshit! I was called down from LA and I took the first best flight and now you´re telling me that I can’t see my son and that I don´t get any information. That is bullshit and you know it." The older man was red in his face from anger and Kevin felt it fit to calm the situation down. Grabbing his shoulder he said, "Come on Bob lets go and wait in the waiting room."

The older man shrugged the hand away, "NO! I wanna see my son NOW! What kind of hospital is this?" "I´m sorry sir," the nurse said again like a broken record, "It´s hopsital policy and your son is in ICU Isolation. Dr. Andersen has forbid anyone to enter at this stage and until there is any further information I have to ask you to wait in the waiting room sir." She gestured over to the blue sofas.

"I don´t care." Bob breathed in, pointing at Brian, "HE has the right to see him just because he is his patient advocate," pointing to himself he continued, "but not I and I´m his father." The older man ran his hand through his hair in a desperate gesture. "God he is my son, my oldest." There was dispair in his tone and for a moment Nick’s dad looked so old and torn.

"I´m sorry sir..Yes his patient advocate was allowed briefly to visit him but right now its strict orders, NO ONE outside the staff is allowed to see him." But as I said before you are all welcome to wait in the waiting room and as soon as there is more news I will come and inform you."

"Tell that Dr. Andersen that when she gets in I wanna have a word or two with her." He snorted in disgust before turning on his heel and walking back with the rest of the men to the waiting room. Howie had returned and he had a worried frown on his forehead, "Any more news?"

Brian shook his head in dispair, "No." His voice cracked and he sat down holding his head in his arms. Like as if he was trying to cover up the fact that he was feeling close to tears.

Howie looked questioning at the rest and Kevin felt it fit to fill in about the situation. Upon hearing this Howie sighed. "I guess all we can do is wait and see.

"Yes there is nothing more we can do!"

************************************************************************ ************************************

Howie D had a hard time sleeping. This was practically unheard of since the Latino was known for falling alseep during all kinds of situations. There were number of times that he´d fallen asleep during airport waits, one time at the information desk, corridors and yes even interviews. It was irritating but he couldn´t help it as soon as he sat down his whole body started to relax and he drifted off to a comfortable numbness..except this time. Never before had they been forced to spend their night over at the hospital fearing for their little brothers life.

He´d watched his friends all fall asleep, one by one while he moved restlessly on the hard armchair trying desperately to find a comfortable position. Sighing for the umpteenth time that night he noticed that they all slept pretty soundly. There had been no further information about Nick’s condition other than he was stable and they were trying to bring down the fever. Bob had first been pretty upset but he had calmed down when he realized that the hospital staff was just doing their jobs. Brian had been upset too, even if he´d done his best to hide it, and he had ended up cancelling the flight back home. He´d also spent some time talking to Leighanne and judging from his expression she wasn´t that thrilled. Yet when they asked him about it, he´d just shrugged it all away saying that as soon as Nick’s condition got a bit better he would fly back to Atlanta.

Looking up at the clock on the wall he noticed that it was a little after four in the morning. There had also been a commotion of nurses and doctors going back and forth and when the signal had gone off to one of the rooms. Howie’s heart had nearly stopped. He´d tried hard to see what room number the alarm was going to and to his satisfaction he noticed that it wasn´t Nick’s room number 26. Stretching his legs he tried to work out the kinks in his joints and he´d decided to pay a visit to the restroom. Carefully he stood up, afraid to wake any of his "brothers" up. Just when he thought he was out of the woods he heard Brian shifting on the sofa.

"D´is that you?" he rasped hoarsly, trying to sit up.

Shit! The last thing he needed was to wake one of the guys up, especially Brian who was on the verge of exhaustion,"Yeah..go back to sleep," he whispered, before adding, "I´m just on my way to the restroom."

"I´m not asleep," Brian mumbled. "You heard anything more about Nick?"

"No."

"Strange..we should have heard something by now." Brian had sat up straight in his sofa, and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. "But I guess no news in this case is good news..right?"

Howie nodded, "Mmmm probably. I´m going to the restroom and then I´m getting a cup of coffee, you want one?"

"Sure. I can´s sleep anyway."

"Ok then," Howie smiled briefly "I´ll be back." With that he went to take care of his business. On his way back he passed the information desk and heard the two nurses talking about room 26. Straining his ears he heard them talk about that the patients fever had spiked even higher and they were discussing giving him stronger antibiotics, the word fluid in the lungs was also heard. This had Howie’s heart take a leap. A gigantic one. Upon his return, he noticed that all but AJ had woken up and he instantly shared the information he´d heard. This caused Bob to go up to the information desk and demand to hear something from the doctor in charge. Pronto!

This time the nurses hadn´t tried to push him away and actually told them that as soon as the doctor came in they would be given some information. This had them all sitting in silence, waiting patiently for the doctor to arrive. No one had anything to say and it was like they were all deep in their own thoughts. Howie’s was on Caroline and when he´d missed her by a few hours. If things, God forbid, ever came to this with Nick he would make sure that he would be there when it happened.....if it were possible.

Just when they had all given up the prospect of finding anything out they heard, "I´ll take it that you are all family to Mr. Carter?" Looking up they noticed a blonde man in his forties standing there with a tired expression on his face.

"Yes?"

"I´m Dr. Patterson, and I´m in charge of Mr. Carter tonight. I heard you wanted some information about the patient." He shook each and everyones hand, and before he opened his mouth to speak Bob said quickly,

"I´m his father, Robert Carter, why can´t I go and see my son?"

All their eyes were turned towards the doctor who ran a hand through his hair in a tired gesture, "I´m afraid that Mr. Carter is running a pretty high fever.."

"How high?" Brian wanted to know.

"It´s been 106.5 but we managed to get it down half a degree to 106."

"What?"

"Maaaaaaaaan."

"That is high!"

"Isn´t that what can cause brain damage?"

"AJ!"

Their comments were all different but their expression all held the same fright. Fright that Nick was in a very bad condition.

"Do you know what causes it?"

"It´s the RSV virus but I´m afraid that Mr. Carter has developed pneumonia too."

"This fast?" Howie looked chocked.

"Yes," the doctor chuckled lightly mostly out of despair. "Those little buggers can be tough and work fast."

"Will he make it?" AJ asked silently and all their eyes turned towards the younger man. Kevin looked especially annoyed.

"We´re setting in some heavy antibiotics and now we have turned off the chemo and...." He was instantly interrupted by Brian.

"Chemo? But how will you fight his cancer?"

"We will take one step at a time, right now we are trying to stop the pneumonia from spreading to both of his lungs and to prevent them to being filled up with fluid."

Bob looked pale, not saying anything as the doctor continued, "His body needs to rest so that he can fight this virus.."

"So it doesn´t kill him before the cancer does." AJ´s words were dark and this had Kevin jabbing him in his side, "AJ!" AJ looked up and was about to say something when the doctor agreed, "Yes this young man is right...he will have to deal with the cancer after this." A buzzing sound was heard and the doctor instantly reached for a small device attached to his belt. After looking at it he clicked it off and said, "I´m sorry I have to get going."

"Thank you for the information." Bob looked as defeated as the rest of them felt.

"Oh no problem," the doctor smiled briefly, "but I would suggest that if Mr. Carter has any other family you should call them and inform about his condition." He looked sternly at Nick’s father who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

This was turning out to be a worse situation than they could ever imagine.

If his head ached it was nothing compared to what his chest felt like. It burned like fire, especially when he coughed, making it hard to breathe. Through his foggy mind he knew he had contracted yet another cold which wasn´t exactly unheard of even if he feared it might be the flu instead judging by how bad he felt. He´d managed to sleep on and off, even if it hadn´t been a very nice sleep. Instead it was filled with strange dreams, waking up every so often either shivering like he was stuck in the Antarctic or sweltering wanting to shed his own skin. It wasn´t comfortable at all.

He also knew he had to be running a pretty high fever since that dream when he was stuck in an elevator kept coming back to him. He´d dreamt that he was with his family, friends and the guys as well, everyone that meant something to him and they were all going up to the top level in a very very high building. The wierd thing was that he was like separated from them and couldn´t talk to them which was bad since he was the only one noticing that something was wrong with the system and if they didn’t get off they were all going to crash, killing them all in the process. He´d tried desperately to make himself heard but the elevator started to drop down and then in a high speed went through the floors. People were screaming and he was doing what he could to help them but he couldn´t reach the stick that stopped it all. Helplessly he watched and felt how they were all going down and then it all became one big blur. He always woke up seconds before they were about to crash, usually drenched in cold sweat, with a bad headache and sick to his stomach.

The guys had all gotten use to this dream and this was the utter verification that he was sick for real. Kevin who was fasinated with alternative methods wanted him to go to a dream specialist since this could be something he had experienced in an earlier life. Brian had called it mumbo jumbo and Nick had just laughed. The dream was scary but he had become custom to it over the years.

Groaning, Nick shifted in bed. He felt so uncomfortable that he felt like crying out of despair. If he only had the energy.

"He´s coming around," a female voice said and instantly Nick felt someone touching his forehead, with freezing hands. He wanted to yell to whoever was tresspassing into his life to back off, but found that he didn´t even have the energy to open his mouth, much less talk. Instead he moaned, thrashing with his head to get away from the offending object.

"His fever is still dangerously high," the nurse decided, "we need to cool it down even further or he’ll risk getting a convulsion or seizure." Turning to the younger nurse she directed, "He needs another saline bag." Wasting no time the younger of the two quickly started to run another bag while the older one wet a wash cloth and placed on his forehead. "There you go," she said to Nick who could do nothing but grunt in response.

Suddenly he felt so hot that he was sure that his brain would fry if he didn´t get anything to cool it down. Not a thought that he had made sense and there was a weird tingling sensation in his body. In other words it felt like he was in hell, or as he imagined it would be.

"How much is his temp now?" the older nurse asked as he heard a beep inside his brain that sounded like an echo. The younger nurse picked out the earthermometer reading, "It´s 103.8."

"Not good, we need to get it down even more..and fast." Nick felt something cold over his body and he wanted to yell to them to leave him alone. It was a cooling blanket.

Just when he thought he would freeze off all off his limbs there was a weird sensation taking over his body. His head felt fixing to explode and a tinging feeling rinsed all over him. He wanted it to stop, wanted to yell to them how bad he felt when he suddenly started to shake and it was scaring him.

"Shit he’s seizing!"

************************************************************************ ************************************

"This coffee sure tastes like crap," AJ muttered as he poured several sugar bags into the black substance. He moved painfully, "and it gives me a gut ache too."

"Then don´t drink it," Howie advised and instead motioned towards his own cup, "You should drink more healthier and you would feel better. Like this." "No thanks," AJ shook his head, scrunching his nose. "I don´t feel like drinking some freaking sea weed and then spend the rest of the day with apple splatter."

"JAY," Kevin nearly spat out his sandwich in disgust, "that was uncalled for."

Opening his mouth to object, AJ stopped his moves and instead shrugged his shoulders, "Whatever." Leaning back in his seat he glanced around the hospital cafeteria. It was pretty busy being breakfast time and he noticed that several people watched the four men at the table and whispered things to each other. It was clear that getting a visit from the Backstreet Boys wasn´t on the daily agenda. Strangely no one came up to bother them and to this they were both happy as well as surprised. Pulling his glasses down a little he noticed a beautiful nurse and instantly he flirted with a grin. He got a flashíng smile back when Brian, who was sitting and thinking if he should stay or leave, kicked him on the leg.

"What?" AJ snapped.

One word was said, "Sarah".

"So? Are you my fucking mother or what?" There was tension at the table and neither of the mens mood were on top. This was due to sleeping poorly but also because there was a worrying lack of information coming from Nick’s doctors.

"What´s the matter with you today?" Kevin muttered as he took another bite of his sandwhich.

Howie, wanting to avoid an impending conflict sighed, "I think we´re all tired and a little bit off. And its no wonder due to what we´re going through."

Kevin looked up, "Could be, but no one besides J is biting heads off." He paused, "Look at Brian," a short nod towards his cousin, "he stays pretty calm even if he has alot of things on his mind and Bob is even trying to cope. But you.." he pointed with his sandwich at the younger man, "you act like a total ass!"

There was a tight tension, everybody waiting for the rebel to snap something back but instead he sank even further down in the chair, like all the air had popped out off him, like a balloon. "Yeah..I guess you´re right. Sorry." He paused, rubbing his forehead, "It´s just that I don´t do hospitals that well. It´s something with this place that scares the hell out of me." "Yeah I know what you mean," Howie said with a sigh. "I think it´s this..it´s this whole situation that is eatin´ us all up. Not knowing what will happen and not hearing anything either."

Brian who had been unusually quiet suddenly spoke up, "I think we should get movin´. We´ve been away way too long." He looked pale and his eyes that usually was a shimmer of happiness was dull and lifeless, filled with worry. This whole situation had aged their friend ten years.

Kevin who was very worried over how Brian was doing mentally, placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Relax," he said, "Í´m sure everything is fine and Bob is up there holding down the fort." Looking at the untouched sandwhich in front of his friend he continued, "You need to eat something so you don´t get sick!"

"I won´t get sick," Brian mumbled where he sat looking down at the table, "it´s just that I have this really bad feeling.."

"That´s just because you don´t eat," Kevin stated calmly. Brian stared at his cousin, shaking his head. The older man was always so down to earth, trying to find plausible reasons to everything. Everytime someone was down or feeling a bit off Kevin had a habit of trying to force some food down that persons throat like it would solve all problems. Usually it did, but this time it was more complicated.

"I think B is right, we gotta get going," AJ said suddenly, standing up, "plus I need a smoke."

Sighing Kevin pushed his sandwhich aside, "I guess your right, I dont have any appetite anyways." Looking over at Howie who silently sipped on his tea he asked, "You done D?" A short yes was returned and with that the four men walked over to the elevators, getting everybodys eyes on them.

************************************************************************ ************************************

"Aaron let me speak to mom..yes..no..she is what? Well tell her that I wanna talk to her..yes..yes now." Bob sounded frustrated. After practically no sleeping, pondering what a bad parent he was who hand´t been for his kid but had gone back to LA to attend some promotion party, he decided that he had to get Jane to come down to Florida. She was still very upset over how the last visit had ended that she went back to LA and it didn´t help that Jane was a person who had a hard time forgiving. But he felt the need to tell her about the situation especially since the doctor had made it very specific that all of his family should know about his condition.

"Aaron I told you to get your mother, didn´t I?" He was starting to feel frustration taking over as he tried to get his teenage son to co-operate. It was like Aaron sensed something was wrong and with tears in his voice he desperately wanted to know how Nick was doing. And to that Bob didn´t know what to say. "She can´t come?..and why is that?..Noo?" Bob frowned, "Are you saying that she is busy with some guests and can´t come even when it´s about her own son....yes Nick!" Now he felt really frustrated and he could hear Aaron sobbing which had him feeling even worse.

"No squirt," he talked in as soft voice as he could muster while feeling the frustration boil up inside him. "There is nothing to be worried about, I just wanna talk to Jane that´s all. NOOOO..nothing has happened," he lied, mentally kicking himself for not telling the truth. It was just that he couldn´t for his life tell his youngest son that the one that he cared about the most was in a very critical condition. And what good would that do Aaron across the other side of the continent? "Ok well I see..Aaron tell mom to call me as soon as she can..yes..no I won´t and yes I will say hi to Nick for you..ok..and..don´t forget to tell mom to call me then, ok?. Yes and son..I love you too."

With that he hung up still unfinished business to take care of.

Dammit why did Jane have to be so stubborn? Why did she pretend that everything was just fine when their oldest son was sick with cancer? With a sigh he walked up to the information desk asking the nurse in charge, "Any news about my son? Nickolas Carter in room 26?" "No I´m sorry," The nurse on the other side shook her head and he could swear that he saw a hint of sadness in her face. Shrugging the bad thoughts away he was about to go to the waiting room when it happend.

There were a call code for room 26!

"He´s seizing!"

In slowmotion Bob watched as several nurses and a doctor rushed down the corridor down to room 26. Without hesitation Bob followed suit. Deliberately, he ignored the nurse from the information desk who was yelling to him to stop, "Sir..sir you can´t go in there. Only medical personnel are allowed." But Bob didn´t care. After all it was his son and if anyone should have the right to be there for Nick it should be him.

"You´ll only hinder the staff!"

Ignoring her desperate attemps to stop him he pushed the door open only to be met with a sight that he would later wish he could forget. There on the bed was his Nick attatched to several lines and monitors. He was deatly pale and next to him personnel tried to hold him down while his body convulsed violently. They were acting pretty fast and suddenly the doctor yelled out "Shit he´s going into v-tach."

This was all turning into a nightmare!

One nurse looked at a strip of paper coming out of a monitor and he could see that the lines were all jumpy and wavy. The whole situation in front off him was too surreal. He wanted to wake up from it all. Wanted it all to be a dream but nothing like that happend instead someone yelled, "He´s bp is 153/122 ."

"That´s too high."

"Retavase 50 ml..STAT."

It all happend in a matter of seconds and suddenly someone spotted him and yelled, "What´s he doing here? Get him out of here!"

"Hurry we´re loosing him!" The personnel was working on him frantically.

" Nick..hold on..come on dammit..Nick stay with us!"

He wanted to scream. Wanted to yell to them that it was his son laying there yet he couldn´t say a thing. Only stare at the scene unfolding in front of him.

'God this can´t be happening.'

Someone jerked at his arm and he wanted to scream at them to leave him alone, turning around he noticed the nurse from the information desk as well as a male orderly. "Come on sir..let them do their job." the black man said placing an arm around his shoulder. Bob jerked the arm away, "NO.....let me go!" But the grip was firm, "No sir you´re not allowed to be here. Come on."

Defeated, he let the man lead him away. Away from his son that was fighting for his life. Tears were streaming down his face as he looked the man in his eyes, "That´s my son laying there...... That´s Nick."

Touring 24/7 had proved to be a real test on the five men, but especially for Nick who was the youngest and not allowed to do the same stuff as the rest of the boys. AJ was almost just as old but he had always been much more mature so he usually got away with doing everything anyway. When the rest of the guys had been out clubbing, dating girls, Brian had often stayed in with Nick. Keeping him company by playing videogames and watching movies. This way he had gotten to know Nick a bit better than the others and they had become close friends after a while. Brian knew that Nick had looked up to him as some kind of role model and Kevin once said in an interview that if Brian would jump off a roof Nick would follow. This was true....back then. Then Brian had met Leighanne and Nick had met Manda and they were not as close as they had been. But they still talked and laughed together. The press had named them Frick and Frack and called them inseperable. This wasn´t entirely accurate since Brian could get really tired of Nick and his pranks. He was a kid that got on his nerves and sometimes he wondered why the kid always acted so hyper.

As years had passed Brian and Leighanne got even closer and then they got married. This was like a thorn in Nick, even if they hadn´t talked about it. His friend started to party and stay out all night long often with either AJ or Howie as company. This upset him greatly since he knew that Nick wasn´t a typical party person - at least not deep inside. Brian suspected that Nick was doing this since something was not right in his life. After he broke up with Manda he became a player and when Brian tried to talk about that he would ruin his life the way he lived he just got a finger in reply. This became a thorn between the two friends and Brian had to confess that they hadn´t been that close until Nick told him one day about the cancer.

Thinking that he would loose his brother made his heart ache and even if he wanted be there for Leighanne too he just couldn´t leave Nick. Not now....not ever.

"Dude I could do with a smoke right now," AJ rasped breaking the silence in the room.

"You shouldn´t be smoking," Kevin said for what seemed the millionth time since the day AJ had tasted his first ciggarette. "It´s bad for you."

"Yeah but it sure as hell calms me down," he mumbled while fingering the elevator button a bit nervously. Seconds later he felt Kevin swat his hand.

"Dont do that. You´ll make the elevator stop."

Offended by being treated like a schoolboy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar he said, "Dude you need to relax man. Take a chill pill or even better..smoke something." To this Kevin snorted and AJ shook his head. Kevin could be so anal sometimes.

Wanting to change topic Howie said suddenly, "I hope that Bob got a chance to talk to Jane and that she realizes that Nick is bad off and comes to see him and.." He got cut off by an annoyed AJ.

"Why D?"

"Because he is sick and needs his mother...that´s why." They could all detect an irritation in the Latino’s voice. It was clear that the situation was starting to get to him too. There couldn´t be anything more important in Howie’s life than family and he felt genuinely sad when he saw how Nick and his mother argued all the time. When he was younger she had been by his side..at least until he turned 15, and it hurt him to see how she ignored him when he needed her the most. "He needs his family."

"Well tell that to the bitch, not us." AJ rasped getting an unapproving glare from the rest off the men. "What?" he called out, "Is she here by any chance?"

"No but she is his family," Howie repeated like a broken record.

"We´re his family," the youger man snorted, waiting for the next move from his friend. Looking at Howie as he searched for a reaction.

"Yes but I mean his REAL family." Howie was starting to explain what he meant when AJ cut him off again.

"I know what you mean D. I´m not stupid." Brian and Kevin watched the scenario in silence, especically Kevin who shook his head disapprovingly. Like a warning. Ignoring this AJ continued, "He told us we were that..you know in some interview back in 97. Damn as a matter of fact he told us that many times. That we´re his brothers." There was not a hint of amusement in his eyes which had Howie a bit unsure where AJ was going.

"What I..what I mean is that he needs to have a mother by his side. After all she is the one that gave birth to him and fed him and....."

"You sure?"

Kevin who was starting to get fed up with the way AJ kept picking on Howie just because he had nothing else to do or didn´t know how any other method to open up his feelings snarled, "J that´s enough."

"Take it easy man..I was just pulling D´s leg a bit." He grinned in the way that only he could get away with before patting Howie’s back, "You don´t mind do you D?"

Howie who was known for being the nicest person in the group smiled a bit with uncertainty, "Yes Bone, it´s cool."

Upon hearing this AJ turned to Kevin, "There you go. Nothing to be upset about. We were just "playin" a little.

Now it was Kevin’s turn to snort, "Don´t you think you´re a bit old for that?"

Shrugging at the comment AJ said with disgust, "God Kev you can be so anal sometimes." Ignoring this the older man decided to block him out and instead turned towards Brian who had stood unnaturally quiet. He had barely spoken a word all morning and when he did he just said that he had such a bad feeling. Kevin hoped he wasn´t coming down with something since that was the last thing they needed right now. Either that or the nervous breakdown that he predicted was a fact.

"You alright cuz?" he asked putting a hand on the shorter man. Brian said nothing, just stared down at the floor. This body language said more than a thousand words. "I know..I know it´s eating us all."

When there was still no response he continued, "You know B'rok I´m sure that they will be able to stabilize him. To get his fever down."

The younger man nodded, "Mmmm....but even so he still has the cancer to battle." His voice was shaky. "After all the doctor said he would be off the chemo for now and that could mean that during this time the cancer would have a chance to grow even further and then..and then.." His voice suddenly broke and there was a single tear running down his cheek. Quickly he wiped it away with the back of his hand.

"God, now I really need that smoke!"

As the elevator doors opened they spotted Bob walking with an orderly by his side. His hunched over position and the fact that the black man was holding an arm around his shoulder made them stop. This struck them as strange. Brian’s heart pounded so hard that it hurt his ears. Glancing over at the others he saw that they had the very same expression on their faces. The picture of fright.

Without further delay they rushed towards the waiting room and Brian heard himself calling out, "What happened? It´s not Nick is it?" He had no idea how he was being able utttering the words but something inside him snapped. There was dead silence in the room as Bob turned his face their way. His face held a sad expression and tears glistened in the corner of his eyes. A short nod.

"Oh my God," Howie put his hand to his mouth, as to stall a cry of despair that threatened to escape. Kevin’s face paled and he could see how his cousin took a steady grip on the chair beside him. Time stood still and the thoughts that swirled around in his head was making him want to pass out.

Dreadful thoughts filled their heads and time stood still. AJ was the first to break the silence, "What happened? How is he?" His voice held an usual calmness which had taken Brian by surprise. Usually the younger man was a bundle of nerves when it came to situations like this.

When the orderly had left the room and Bob had calmed down he started to tell what had went down seconds ago, not a question was asked and it was dead silent in the room. After telling his story he let out a deep sigh and pointed down the hallway, "And there hasn´t been any news since then. They are still working on him.. if it isn´t too late." He put his hands to his face, shoulders hunching and then said with a sob, "God I don´t know what to do anymore. I don´t want this to be happening." It was a cry of despair.

Brian felt uncomfortable. He didn´t know what to do. There was relief that the worst hadn´t happened. That Nick was still alive but he also knew that the news about the seizure wasn´t the best either. A part of him wanted to embrace the older man while another side thought it was best to keep his distance since he didn´t know how the older man would react to such an action. Looking at his side he tried to decide what Kevin would do in this situation and he didn´t have to wait long before his cousin reacted.

The tall man hunched down beside Bob, laying a hand on his lap, "I hope everything will be fine." His voice was low and held that thick calm southern accent that had became a trademark for his cousin. "The doctors are professionals and Nick is a real fighter. I´m sure that he will hang in there." His voice was firm but Brian could see the twitch in his eyes where tears were forming.

Th rest of the men stood in silence. Suddenly a nurse appeared in the doorway. "I´m sorry to disturb you all but is there a Robert Carter in here?"

There was total silence in the room. Five pair of eyes staring at the nurse in the room, swallowing hard, expecting the worst to have happened. The nurse sensing what was on their minds smiled briefly, "It´s a phone call from a certain Jane Carter."

"Oh.." Relief swept all over them and Brian felt his legs go weak. He had been so sure that they would come and tell him his greatest fear. That his friend, whom he´d loved like his baby brother, had passed away.

"You can take it in the hallway," the nurse stated.

Bob nodded, "Mmm...yes." With heavy steps he walked away to the waiting phone. Dreading what he was suppose to say to his wife. He´d knew that she had to be pretty upset since his last call and now he feared that it would be tons worse. Picking up the phone he swallowed hard before answering, "Yes?"

"Bob?" His wife’s voice was on the other line and he was right. She didn´t sound too pleased. "What in Earths name do you mean by calling Aaron and upsetting him? Don´t you think he has enough on his mind?" She was clearly agitated. "I don´t know about you but I´m trying hard to run a business and having Aaron upset and crying, isn´t helping anything. Especially not when he refuses to come back to an important meeting." She was talking fast and not stopping once to even catch her breath.

He sighed. Business..business that was all she ever had on her mind these days. "Jane.." he started only to get interrupted. "Don’t you care about your son?" Her voice was hard and he had to bite back a sarcastic comment, not wanting to be as ugly as she was in her words. "Because if you did you wouldn´t make Aaron this upset." She went on and on about how he was making a fool out of them and how Aaron had reacted and that the new record company that was suppose to sign him on was having second thoughts. They didn´t want artists that were making a scene.

He let her talk. He always let her talk, hoping that she would stop soon and listen to what he had to say.

"By the way," she was starting to calm down, "why did you call me?"

Finally. He sighed, "Nick is sick..very sick."

"Yes I know..that is why you´re there..remember?" Her voice was sarcastic, "That is why you´re there leaving me taking care of the rest of the kids. Trying to handle it all. Just like you always do."

"No Jane..Nick is really sick.." he started noticing his voice breaking in the process. "Hi..his heart stopped."

There were a silence so deafening that all he could hear was his wife breathing hard on the other line. That combined with his heart pounding in his chest.

"Bob that´s not funny." She sounded upset.

"Jane it´s true." Suddenly it all felt so surreal. Here he was talking with his wife about that his son nearly died and she was thinking that he was lying. "He has a high fever and went into convoulsions and.."

"Oh God!" There was a gasp on the other line. Finally she was starting to realize what he was saying. "Is he..is he?" Gone was the annoyance and instead her voice was broken and he could hear her fighting tears.

"No, not yet."

"Thank God." "But Jane I think you should get on a plane and come down here..the doctors wanted me to tell you this. It´s not looking too good."

Another silence, then came the words that had him wanting to file for an divorce, "Bob I can´t."

"What?? What are you saying?"

"Aaron..we´re meeting this manager and if Aaron gets the contract he has his future settled. He will be up on the big stages and.."

Bob wasn´t listening. What was she saying? Where was the woman that he once married and that he loved so much? That cared about her chilren..ALL of her children over everything else? Where was the loving mother that he came to know? It was either a shield or she had gone completely insane since the words she was saying made no sense at all. How could she start talking about Aaron and contracts when she knew that her oldest son was on the verge of dying? Where was the hurt that he had sensed in her voice seconds ago? The questions were many and Bob didn´t know what to think or do. This was getting too much.

"Jane what are you saying? Nick is sick..he is dying and he needs you." He was doing everything in his power to stay calm. "You´re his mother and you should be there for him."

"You don´t think I care do you?" Her tone was high. "But you´re wrong..I care..I do care.."

'Then why the hell aren´t you here?' he wanted to shout balling his fist to let out the anger. Luckily she continued before he had to say anything.

"Nick made it perfectly clear that I was suppose to stay out of his business for good, and this what I´m doing now. Staying out of his life." She sounded hurt. "He told me that I´m not wanted and since I don´t want to upset him any further I´m granting his wish, even if it hurts to do so.

'Bitch!' he wanted to yell, yet he said calmly, "If you´re talking about that incident when Nick didn´t want to go to LA he has forgotten it by now..besides he was very sick, he was throwing his guts up when he said it and you know that he didn´t mean it. " He faked a small chuckle, "You know how Nick can be. Stubborn."

"No he meant what he said." She was hurt. "And if he doesn´t want me in his life I´m staying out of it. Even if it hurts me so much..after all he is my oldest. My baby."

She was playing a martyr.

He was about to tell her what he thought off her "act" when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning around he was met with Brian’s red swollen face. No words had to be said, he just knew what the young man was about to say. The world stopped for a minute and everything went into slow motion. What happend next he had no idea but when he heard Brian saying in a hurried tone "It´s Nick..you gotta come. NOW!" he just knew that the worst had happened....

The young men that were gathered in the consultation room wore somber expressions as they looked at Nick’s onocologist. Bob Carter’s expression, however, was the opposite of somber - he was livid.

“Nick trusted you in taking care of him! His heart stopped twice!” Bob’s strong voice finally broke and the older man buried his face into his hands as he started sobbing.

Dr. Andersen placed a comforting hand on Bob’s shoulder. “Mr. Carter,” she started out in a soothing voice. “I know that this frustrating but please let me explain what happened to Nickolas and why.”

Bob Carter shook his head in disbelief. “There’s really nothing more that you can say about Nick....I-I know whats happening.....y-you already said it when you told me to call the rest of the family,” he sobbed quietly.

“Mr. Carter, that was when we weren’t sure what was going on with Nickolas. It didn’t look good at all with the seizures and with him going into cardiac arrest but his body was having a reaction to the medications that were given to him for his stronger chemotherapy,” she explained.

“So its your fault that he’s is dying?” AJ rasped. Normally someone would have stopped AJ from carrying on with his accusations, but mysteriously he was left alone. “You poisoned him and his heart stopped because of your negligence?”

“That isn’t true,” the doctor defended softly. “Everyone has different reactions to chemotherapy and for those reasons, cancer patients are monitored when any new chemotherapy medication is introduced into their systems for reactions. Nickolas so far hadn’t had any reactions to any of the medications he has been on but for some reason his system rejected the new meds.”

“Don’t you think you could have checked this out a little better before you gave him that shit?”

This time Kevin placed a hand on AJ’s forearm and gave him a warning glare to calm down.

“We’ve taken him completely off the chemotherapy medication and we are now working on clearing his lungs---”

“Goddamn! You took him off the stuff that could save his life? Are you fucking crazy?” AJ asked incredulously.

“AJ!” Brian admonished.

Dr. Andersen didn’t seem to be offended by AJ’s outburst. “I can understand your concerns about the chemo being disrupted but let me assure you that this is in his best interests for the time being. As I was just saying, we are working on clearing his lungs to avoid pneumonia which can commonly happen in RSV patients.”

“So N-n-my son is going to be okay?” Bob Carter stammered, unable to say Nick’s name.

“He is in guarded condition for now,” the doctor replied.

“Guarded...” Bob quietly tested the word outloud.

“It would still be a good idea to for the rest of his family to be here,” Dr. Andersen said as she squeezed the older mans shoulder sympathetically.

As Nick’s eyes fluttered open, it took several tries before his vision finally cleared.

“Hi,” a young nurse smiled sweetly. “How are you feeling?”

Nick furrowed his brow as his brain tried to sort out where he was. His first attempt in answering produced no sound. Licking his lips Nick tried to clear his throat and instantly his chest and stomach rewarded him with sharp burning pains.

“S-surgery?” he asked in a soft whisper.

‘I’m sorry hun, what did you say?”

Clearing his throat again, he was able to repeat the question a little louder but it was still a whisper.

“Surgery? Oh that was over a week ago,” the nurse corrected. “Are you in pain?”

Nick had to think a moment, letting his brain digest the fact that the surgery was over a week ago. ‘A week ago? Why am I still feeling like shit?’ He could feel a tickle in his nostrils and he feebly reached up with his left hand to pull the nasal canula away.

“No hun,” the nurse shook her head as she guided his arm away, adjusting the clear green tubing. “You have to leave that there, you aren’t breathing very well on your own. Is it bothering you?”

He closed his eyes as he slowly shook his head. Other than the obvious - the cancer - Nick was wondering why he felt so weak and drained. If surgery was well over a week ago what was going on with him?

Another set of unfamiliar squeaking sneakers annouced to Nick that someone had joined his nurse in the room. Playing opossum, Nick kept his eyes closed.

“Shoot, is the patient still asleep? I’d really like to give him his breathing treatment when he’s awake.”

“He’s awake, I think he’s just resting,” the young nurse said as she rubbed Nick’s shoulder. “Hon, respiratory is here to give you a breathing treatment.”

Reluctantly, Nick opened his eyes to see a stout woman holding an oxygen mask and clear tubing. She reached up over the head of his bed, plugging in the tubing and then gently removing the nasal canula and replacing it with the pale green oxygen mask.

“I want you to take nice deep breaths when I turn this on,” she directed as a mist start flowing through the mask.

With a puzzled expression on his face, Nick did as the woman directed, coughing as his lungs protested the invasion of the mist.

“That’s good dear, nice and even,” she commented. “I have been giving you blow by treatments for last few times I’ve been doing this and I see on your chart that you haven’t been awake for any of the treatments.”

There were so many questions that were swimming in Nick’s head now that he couldn’t wait for the breathing treatment to be overwith. He could only wait and watch as his nurse busied herself with his chart and the other woman sat watching him dutifully take deep breaths.

As the treatment was nearing the end, Nick’s eyes started growing heavy. He had so many things he wanted to ask his nurse and he struggled to keep his eyes open. He finally gave up and allowed the comforting darkness of sleep carry him off into a pain free and cancer free world.

Brian Littrell sat quietly, head bowed in prayer as he sat next to his best friend. There were so many intentions he was asking God; hoping that He was listening, praying that he would be answered. Leighanne and the unborn baby were weighing heavily on his mind and of course there was Nick.

Brian’s heart was heavy with all the stress he was carrying inside. He felt torn. He was so scared of losing Nick but he was also scared of what was happening with Leighanne and the health of their unborn son.

There were so many “what ifs” that Brian had normally been avoiding time to think for fear his mind would answer the “what ifs” with the worse case scenerios.

Death.

”Bri.......Bri.”

The soft voice seemed to weave in his incessant praying and Brian failed to realize that the voice wasn’t in his mind until he felt a soft stroke on his cheek. He jerked out of his trance and looked around the room, the tears on his cheeks momentarily left unchecked.

“Bri?”

“Nick...omigosh, Nick!” Brian rushed his words when he realized where the voice had come from. Quickly standing up, he wrapped his arms around his best friend’s shoulders. “Nicky, you’re awake!”

Nick could only smile faintly in reply.

“How are you feeling?”

Clearing his throat Nick managed a soft reply. “I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck.”

“No doubt buddy, you gave us all quite a scare,” Brian grinned and then a serious expression washed over him. “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

“What happened?”

“You don’t know, do you?”

Nick shook his head negatively.

Tears started flowing freely down Brian’s cheeks. “You left us......your heart stopped.”

Nick’s eyes widened in horror. He died?

Brian clasped Nick’s hand. “I was so scared that I lost you, your father is a wreck, understandably and your mom, well...” his voice trailed off.

“My mom’s here?”

Brian shook his head sadly. “No, she’s not but your dad is calling the family again, he tried once when this first started but I guess your mom didn’t think it was this serious and I guess with everything that has happened between you two, well um....forget I said that....”

“Bri, can I ask you something?” As Nick spoke his eyes were growing heavy again.

“Sure Nick,” Brian said as he watched his friend struggle to stay awake. He waited for a few moments and then realized that Nick had drifted off to sleep again.

As Brian re-entered the private waiting room he noticed that Bob Carter and AJ McLean were missing.

“Where’s Jay?”

“He went out for another cigarette,” Howie explained, glancing up from a magazine.

“Bob?”

“He went to call home.”

“But he was doing that when I left to go see Nick over an hour ago!”

“I guess he couldn’t reach anyone or something the first time,” Kevin explained quietly, his voice sounded tired. “How’s Nick?”

“He was awake,” Brian grinned.

Howie and Kevin laid their reading materials down. “And?”

“He asked me a few questions and then he fell asleep.”

“How was he?”

“He seemed pretty weak and tired understandably,” Brian replied as he sank down into a chair.

Bob Carter entered the waiting room causing the young men to look at him expectantly. The older man didn’t speak as he grasped a white styrofoam coffee cup and quickly grabbed the glass decafe coffee pot. Kevin asked the question that was weighing on everyone’s mind in the waiting room.

“Any luck in getting ahold of Jane?”

Bob quickly changed the subject. “Any word on Nick?”

“Nick was awake a little bit ago.....he fell back asleep,” Brian informed. “He asked if Jane was here.”

Bob ran a hand over his face in a tired gesture, looking down at the cup of coffee. “I finally got through to her.”

“So she’s coming?” Howie asked hopefully.

The older man nodded as he took a slow sip from his cup. “She’s bringing Aaron along but not the girls. She wasn’t sure about bringing him but she mumbled something about tickets and some other bullshit...” his voice trailed off as he sat down.

“That’s good then I guess,” Kevin sighed.

Bob turned to Brian. “So you said that Nick was awake?”

“Yes sir, he still seemed kinda out of it but that would be understandable considering what he’s gone through in the past twenty-four hours.”

The older man set his coffee cup down as he stood up. “I’m going down to check in on him,” he announced as he strode toward the door.

Once he left the room, Kevin focused his attention on his tired cousin. “Brian, I really think that since Nick is stable now, you should call and get your flight set up to get back home to Atlanta.”

Brian waved his cousin off. “It’s not time to go just yet, I really can’t leave him right now and you know that......what if something bad happens and I’m not here for him?”

Kevin placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “Nothing bad is gonna happen. You need to be home with Lee, she needs you.”

“Your family comes first Bri,” Howie added quietly, his brown eyes mirrored the tears that were in his band mate’s eyes.

“Do you want me to book a flight for you?” Kevin offered.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Brian shook his head. “No, I can do it....I’ll go make the call right now.”

With a heavy heart, Brian walked out of the waiting room toward the bank of pay phones that lined the wall alongside the elevators. For a moment he rested his hand on the receiver as if to draw strength for the task he needed to do. Reaching into his back pocket, Brian pulled out his wallet to retrieve the number he had hastily scribbled down on a slip of paper when he was at Nick’s house two weeks ago when he had booked a flight back home. But that was two weeks ago and so many things had changed since that time.

Instead of dialing the number on the slip of paper, he dailed the familiar digits to home......

There was a fierce pounding in his heart and he could feel his mouth getting dry when dread welled up inside him. The phone was ringing but there was no one on the other line to pick it up. He could feel cold sweat breaking out on his forehead as he awaited for his wife to answer the phone. After ten rings he put the phone down with a shaky hand.

Why wasn´t she answering?

Checking his watch he noticed that it was long after midnight and there was no way that she would be anywhere but at home since he knew that she was ordered to rest. Even if she was alseep her mother was staying there and would pick up the phone. But no calls had been coming through. A bad feeling made it hard to breath and almost like in slow motion he pressed the buttons to Leighanne's parent's. They lived in Atlanta too so he prayed that if she had gone to the hospital that they had gone there with her. His only conclusion was that something had happened with the baby and he cursed himself for not being there for her. What kind of a husband was he that wasn´t there for his wife when she was giving birth to their first born?

Once again several rings were getting through but no one answered and he was just about to hang up when a sleepy male voice answered on the other end. It was his father in law Joe.

"Is Leighanne with you?" There was anxiousness in his voice as he more or less stuttered the words.

"Brian? " A susprised voice said, "Brian is that you?"

He nodded stupidly, "Yes. I tried to call Leigh at home but she wasn´t answering and now I´m afraid that something has happened. Is she allright? Is she at the hospital? Is everything fine with the baby?" The questions were many and he spilled them as fast as he could like he was afraid that if he dragged them out, the answers would come out negative.

"Calm down son..you´re talking to fast. I can´t understand what you´re saying." The older man sounded a bit annoyed over getting woken up in the middle of the night.

"I´m sorry but I gotta know. Is she doing allright?"

"Yes, Donna had some business to tend to at the Church Charity so we decied that it was better for Leigh to spend her time here, especially with her condition."

"Oh..That is good," Brian said, breathing with relief. Before he had a chance to continue the older man asked, "You want me to wake her up for you?"

"No..No...let her sleep" Brian shook his head, "Just tell her that I´ve called and that I will call her in the morning instead.

"I´ll do that." Strangely his father in law sounded a bit cold as he added, "How is that young man, that you´re visiting?"

"You mean Nick?" Brian tried to act as casual as possible. "Oh..he is doing so much better." He could hear himself lying, not telling the truth, but it was like if he continued to act like nothing was wrong maybe his prayer that Nick would be well again would come through.

"That is good news. Now that he is doing better I hope that you´re thinking of coming back home again." There was a hint of sarcasm in the older man's tone and this surprised Brian greatly. His relation with his father in law had always been very good..but it was like something had changed.

"Yes, I just want to make sure that he is perfectly stable before I leave.."

"I thought you said that he was doing better," Joe interupted him, a bit irritated. " Brian, I hope that you know what you´re doing and that you´re making the right choice." There was almost like a threat in his tone, "I really think that you should come home . Leigh and the baby need you."

"I know..believe me..I know," Brian said sadly, feeling his stomach constrict. He felt really torn about what he would do since one part wanted to be with his wife and the other wanted him to, no needed him to be there for Nick. If it wasn´t for the fact that he kept having a bad feeling over his "little brothers" condition he would be already back with his wife in Atlanta. But something..someone told him to hold on. Not to leave his friend...yet.

When Brian didn´t respond at once Joe continue, "I really hope that you´re considering to come back home since my daughter needs you and if you´re not..well then you have made your choice. And it isn´t my daughter and her baby!" The words were harsh and cold which surprised the younger man greatly.

"Are you saying that I don´t care for my wife?" He was doing his best to make his voice as steady as possible.

"I didn´t say that," his father in law said, sounding like he´d regretted his words. "I´m just stating that your wife needs you."

"I know and so does my friend." He didn´t know if it was beacuse of the hectic day where he´d nearly lost his brother or the fact that it was very late but he suddenly felt all fed up with the whole situation. "Listen. I have to get going but tell Leighanne that I have called and that I will call her tomorrow. Okay?"

There was a brief silence before the older man added, "I´ll do that...but don´t you forget who means the most to you..."

Brian did his best to stay calm but inside he was very angryand had to put a lid on his temper. " Just tell her that I love her." With that they said goodbye and hung up. Long after his father in law had left he was standing there with the lure in his hand. Had he been imagining things or had Mr. Wallace told him to make a choice? Choose who he would support? Even if it hurt his heart greatly and he loved them both the choice was simple who he would choose.....

Leighanne.

************************************************************************************************************

A low buzzing sound cut throuch his dreams and slowly Nick started to wake up to reality. Opening his eyes his first impression was that the vision was fuzzy around the edges but also that his chest hurt something fierce when he tried to breath. Coughing he tried to clear his lungs out but whatever was isnide off them didn´t disappear and he found himself breathing hard to get any oxygene into his lungs.

"Dad?"

Instantly the older man beside his side got his attention. "What is it son? Are you in any pain? You want me to call for a nurse?"

Nick shook his head, "No." Then he added with a bit of an apology, "I guess I fell asleep when Brian was here. Do you know where he went?" Another wet cough wracked his body as he desperatly fought to get up the phlegm that coated his lungs.

"Yes, he had to go and make a phone call to Leighanne and the others are fast asleep in the waiting room. Nick it´s in the middle of the night and you should sleep too."

"I know but I can´t." He could hear himself whining, "It hurts too much."

"Hurts?" His father sounded concerned, "What hurts? Is it your stomach? Lungs? What? Tell me Nick..do you feel sick?" The small touch of nervousness in his father's voice had him smile reassuringly towards the older man, "No it´s nothing. It´s just this damned cough that is making itself known."

His father frowned but Nick continued, "It´s just my lungs..Dr. Andersen told me that I might be a bit sore after the ordeal I had went through before and she´ll give me something for it later on."

"I really hope that is all," his dad said not totally convinced over Nick's own diagnosis.

"Well it is..don´t worry just give me something for me to suck on..something cold."

"Huh? You wan´t what?" His dad sounded so confused that Nick had to chuckle.

"Don´t worry dad I´m talking about the icecubes."

"Oh," The older man's shoulder sagged visibly as he relaxed. Picking up the bowl of ice cubes from the icebucket and then spooning up one small ice cube he said, "Ok..here you go!"

Nick felt like being fed and he would have objected if it didn´t feel so damned good as the cold ice soothed his sore throat. It wasn´t the first time that his throat was this sore and for some strange reason ice cubes always seemed to serve a purpose, especially if he´d been running a fever like now.

Upon seeing the greatful look on his son's face Bob smiled, "I´ll take it that you liked it."

"Mmmmm," Nick nodded, "This is waaay better than getting laid..or at least it's about the same." He stopped himself short when he noticed what he´d been saying but Bob was laughing loudly.

"I can tell you´re getting better again," the older man said with a large grin, "Sex jokes are never far behind when you´re in good health." That was true. Nick and AJ..yes all of the guys were never late in telling a joke to each other and for some strange yet highly natural reason sex always seemed to be high on the list.

Nick could only nod. He didn´t want to spoil the good moment he had with his dad by saying that his chest really hurt and he could do with some pain relivers. It felt like something was trying it hardest to work itself up his lungs, making him want to cough all the time. He did his best to stiffle the coughs since they threatened to errupt like an volcano and there would be no telling what would happen next. Beside he didn´t want to make his dad more upset than was necessary.

Meanwhile Bob continued to tell him that he´d been really through the wringer. "You really gave us quite a scare there for a while. Did you know that you were so bad off that you almost left us? Your heart stopped twice."

"Mmmm..I know." He didn´t want to talk since too much strenous pressure on his vocal chords would only serve that he would start coughing even more. Upon noticing his dads sad _expression he had to do something about the situation and added with a forced chuckle, "But hell I´m still here ain´t I and I´m not planning to go anywhere but home when they see fit to let me."

The words most have given his dad some strength. "Yes Nick you sure are and you know son when I think of everything you´ve been going through lately and surviving I´m starting to think that there is a big chance that you will walk away from all of this in good health again."

Nick nodded but he himself wasn´t as sure. Maybe it was beacuse of the pain that surged through his lungs or maybe it was beacuse there was a feeling that told him that his odds were not that good, especially since it felt like his lungs would collapse at any given second. The strange feeling was starting to come back again and he had to swallow several times to fend it off but the urge to cough made it unbearable. This kind of action didn´t go unnoticed from his dad's hawk eyes.

"What is it? Do you feel sick? Do you want me to get someone?" Instinctively his dad reached for the basin on the bedstand but Nick managed to catch his hand before that and shook his head a distinct NO. The questions were too many and he felt too weak to answer any of them. He tried his best to stiffle the coughs that threatned to overtake his body but it was futile and only served to prolonge the suffering and soon he broke out in a disasterous coughing fit.

In slow motion Bob witnessed his son once again batteling for his life and the more he coughed the more blue his lips became and soon he was literally choking. "Dammit Nick come on breathe!" He yelled as he slapped the young man in his back in a desperate effort to help whatever was stuck in his lungs to clear up. This hurt so much and all Nick wanted to do was to yell for him to stop and back off so he could get some air and breathe again, but nothing like that happened. Instead the wet coughs wracked his body and he could feel the air around him getting harder and harder to breathe in. It was all like a nightmare and he could feel himself close to panic.

"Da..dad..he...help," he called out, tugging at his throat with his hand. "Help meee!"

Upon seeing his oldest son in so much pain Bob didn´t know what to do and in mere despair pressed the signal button and within seconds, but what felt like an eternity, two nurses entered the room in a hurry. Instantly they caught hold of the situation and they patted him on his back to lessen the large blob of phlegm that was stuck in his lungs.

"That´s it Nick, get it all up. Yes..keep on coughing in that way," the elderly nurse mumbled over and over again as she kept making smooth circular moves on his back.

Tears ran down his face as he tried to breath but phlegm made it impossible and for a moment he could feel himself blacking out. Nick cried and coughed and cried and coughed. Thick phlegm came up but he was too weak to make any notice over what was really happening. The voices around him buzzed like honey bees and for a moment he thought he was a goner. Then he felt something sting in his arm and a warm sensation came through his body. The wracking coughs finally subsided and soon he could feel his whole body relax and he sank into a warm oblivion.

When the bouts had been at its worst Bob had just stood there watching, not being able to do anything to comfort his sick son and now when Nick appeared to be sound asleep he felt as exhausted as if he´d been the one coughing so much. Wiping his own forehead he watched in silence the two nurses doing their work. "I thought he was doing better,What´s causing this? Will he be ok?"

"Yes hopefully this is a result after the infection he´s suffering from and once it clears up, he´ll be fi..I mean he´ll be better again." Upon noticing the mans frown when the word fine was nearly spilled she quickly changed the version. Somehow telling the dad to a young patient batteling his life in the later stages of cancer that he would be fine AGAIN sounded very wrong. "The reason why he is having such bad coughing bouts is beacuse his body is still weak from the previous ordeal and there is much muscus in his lungs that needs to be cleared off. I gave him an injection so he could breathe better and for now we´ll see if this is enough."

Bob frowned, "For now? What do you mean by this? You think that he´ll experience more attacks of this kind?"

"Hopefully not but as long as his lungs are coated with pleghm he needs to get it out off his system and unfortunatly the only way he can do this is to cough it all up. Since his lungs were very much infected it can take a long time before they are healed properly." The older nurse explained briefly before adding, "He´s stable for now but just to be on the safe side we´re going to talk with the doctor in charge to make sure that nothing else happens."

Walking up to Nick he placed his large hand on his sons cheek. He withdraw it very quickly since his son was once again burning up with fever. The nurses noticed this and was just about to ask what was wrong when he said with fright in his voice, "He´s hot. Burning up with fever." Turning to the personel he asked, "Shouldn´t his fever be better by now?"

"Normally yes, but the chemotherapy he received earlier has weakened his system very much and then it can take time to build it up again. We are giving him penicillin and hopefully it´ll do the trick."

Nodding Bob was about to say something when the older nurse interrupted him, "Mr. Carter Nick needs to rest to gain his strength back and so do you. Your son will be asleep for a while and meanwhile I´ll suggest that you go home, eat something and then take a few hours of sleep."

"No..No I can´t do that. My son needs me!"

"Your son needs you to stay healthy! There isn´t any help for him if you get sick too so please go back and try to get some sleep. If there are any changes we´ll give a call."

Bob shook his head stubbornly, "No..I said no didn´t I? There is no way I can rest when my son is being this sick. He needs me by his side and I´m sticking here in case something happens."

"Well it´s your call but at least take a few hours of rest in the waiting room." This was an offer that Bob couldn´t object since to tell the truth he was actually very exhausted. With a firm hand the dark nurse grabbed him by his arm and lead him out to the corriodor, "Don´t you worry we´ll take good care of your son and like I said if there are any changes whatsoever we´ll inform you."

"Oh Ok then.." Reluctantly he let himself get persuaded and with that walked into the waiting room where the rest of the men were sleeping. With a deep sigh he sank down onto a chair, craddling his head in his hands like in defeat.

Brian who was the most easiest to wake up in the group opened his eyes when he heard someone entering the room. Notcing that it was Nick's dad his stomach clenched for fear. The older man looked very tired as well as his posture showed genuine despair.

"How´s Nick doing?"

At first there were no response but when Brian pressed on the question again he told about Nicks condition and about the bout he´d been experiencing. This was met by a loud gasp from the rest of the men who´d woken up. The shook that their "little brother" once again battled his health caught them by surprise. Especially Brian who had earlier called and booked a flight back home to Leighanne. Now there wsa serious regret over his action and there were too many dark clouds in sky to be sure that nothing bad would happen.

"His cough was so bad that I honestly thought I would loose him," Bob said in the end off telling his story. These words hit all of the guys hard and for a moment they looked close to the breaking point. It didn´t help matters that there was suddenly a call from Nick's room and before they knew what hit them several personel rushed into his room. The five men watched the scenario unfold infront of them at the same time as many thoughts swirled inside their brain.

But it was when one of the nurses rushed out to get a special device that it dawned upon them what was happening to their friend....Code Blue.

There was a strong tension in the room as the man looked intensely towards Nick's room. Behind that closed door they knew that "their little" brother was once again fighting for his life while the doctors worked on him, trying their hardest to make him survive. None of them had any faith left since Nick had been down this road before and they knew that this was just as much as his heart could take. The outcome didn´t look too good since the last two days he had defibbed at least two times and that was twice too many.

But coming to his advantage they knew that when it came to fighting Nick could be a tough cookie. There had been many times this past year, when they had thought the young man wouldn´t make it, whether it came to coming in for practice to working when he was so sick that he should be hospitalized instead, and all the times Nick had surprised them. He wasn´t a quitter and there hadn´t been a time when he had let them down. But this time it was different...this time it was mother nature that would rule over his life. Not Nick himself.

Deep inside they all wished and hoped that if he survived this battle his chances would improve drastically that he would make it out from this ordeal alive. His odds would be better and maybe..just maybe it wasn´t Nicks turn to go..not yet.

The waiting was terrible on the men's nerves and seconds felt like minutes..minutes seemed like hours.

No one had said anything since they saw the crash cart being wheeled into the room. There were no words left to be said and now it was only in the hands of God if Nick would make it or not. Would this infection that had his lungs in a tight grip be what would take their friend away and would his weakening body be strong enough to fight it all? Only time could tell.

Even though only Brian and Howie were the religious ones in the group they all prayed. Prayed for his life, prayed for his health..

Several thoughts swirled inside their minds. Nick had to make it since neither of them would know what to do if death had its wishes fullfilled. It would be such a great loss to deal with and even if they all knew that this day had to come sooner or later it was still too hard to understand. A day without Nick's laughter and smile or moody temper wouldn´t be a day worth living. They had all grown up together like a family and there was not a chance that they would want that to end. Even though Nick had his own family with him from time to time on the road he often said that the guys were the ones that had been there for him when he had a hard time or just wanted to talk to someone. He´d told them that he loved them even more than his own flesh and blood and at that time they had all laughed at him, calling him crazy but Nick had over and over again repeated how much they had meant to him and if it wasn´t for them he would have never been here where he was today.

To this they had all laughed, joked around and snickered that this was just the way Nick was, there was not much to it. But sitting here years after in the waiting room not knowing whether or not their friend would make it the words seemed so true. Even tough they had rarely said it, they loved Nick so much like their own brother and the pain that they had to see him suffer through was becoming too much to bare.

Nick had always seemed so happy and carefree and he was never far away from a smile and joke even though he could have a hard time. He was the one that was most huggable of them all and in a weird kind of sense was what was gluing the men together not only as a group but as a family. Ok there had been days when they all had wanted to strangle him and leave him out in the desert to dry up..that they had to admit..but it was also that without him they would be nothing..they wouldn´t be complete.

Bob Carter hadn´t said much since he came into the waiting room and Brian silently asked inside his head what the older man could be feeling. He knew he and Nick hadn´t been that close the past years but it had changed when Bob had decided to be there for him at the hospital. When he had asked Nick what the two of them had been talking about Nick had responded that they just chilled, watched tv and talked about life..there wasn´t much more they could do anyway. If Nick's relation with his dad was turning into something better it was quite the opposite with his mom. Brian had never had much respect for that woman ever since she had set the business infront of her own kids, especially Nick. Mrs. Carter had always been so correct infront of others but when the curtains were closed and they were out of the limelight another person came into view. And it wasn´t a pretty sight either. Even though he knew that Nick had been hurt so many times by this woman he still prayed that they would reconcile again. It would do them no good if neither of them met again now when they all knew that Nick's days were numbered, even more than before.

He hadn´t liked the concerned frown upon Dr Andersen's face the last time they spoke and even if he didn´t have any medical skills he still knew that their friend was really going through the wringer with little chances of making it. What also bugged him deep inside was the desicion he had to make. That he had to leave for Atlanta by lunch time no matter what his friend's condition would be. Mr. Wallace had made it all clear that Brian had a choice to make and that his responsibilities wih his own family had to come in first place..everything else had to wait.

Suddenly the door swung open to Nick's room and they saw their friend getting transported in a rush towards the elevators. An oxygen mask was placed over his face and the hospital personel ran beside his cot like they were in a hurry. It happened in a matter of seconds and before they could react they were all out of view.

Bob's face paled and for a minute it looked like he was going to pass out. "Are you alright?" whispered Brian as he swallowed hard himself. Bob made no signs that he had ever heard the question and in a faint distance Brian noticed his cousin talking to Nick's father in a comforting tone. " No Bob don´t go after them. Just let them pass and I´m sure that someone will come and inform us about Nick's condition." The tall dark man had a rare gift of making people listen to him and his calm posture served to make people relax even in the most tense situations.

Bob nodded shortly and Brian thought it looked like he had snapped back to reality again. None of them felt very talkative and AJ who often came up with all sorts of clever ideas in stressful situations just sat there, fidgeting with his package of cigarettes like they were his lifeline. His _expression was set in stone and not an emotion was revealed, but Brian guessed that behind those dark sunglasses were eyes just threatening to spill over with tears. AJ had a habit of trying to hide his true feelings and it was this that had set him into big trouble when he had hid that he had been using drugs and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol for a longer period of time in the past.

Behind him sat Howie. The otherwise so perfect in style Latino looked both rumpled and disheleved and a three day beard revealed that it had been a while since he had time to shower and shave.

"Fuck I can´t do this any longer!" AJ burst out with full force. He appeared very aggitated and Kevin was about to calm him down when another voice interrupted them.

"I take it that you´re the friends and relatives to Mr. Nickolas Carter?"

"Yes?"

All of their heads were turned towards the door opening and none of them dared to breath as they waited for the news to be told. The young blonde nurse had a tired _expression on her face and she looked like she wanted to be somewhere else than in this waiting room.

"Were did you take my son?" Bob asked and when she didn´t respond immediately he added, "I wanna see him...I wanna see Nick."

"Unfortunately there were complications with the infection that he contracted in his lungs and he experienced difficulty in breathing. Due to the lack of oxygen there was also heart failure and the doctor felt it best to take him down to ICU to prevent further complications."

There was a loud gasp in the room. AJ grabbed Howie's arm for support. "Oh My God," he whispered and sat down hard on the chair again. It was like all the air had gone out of him like a balloon. Howie said nothing but looked at the younger man with tears in his eyes.Brian and Kevin remained motionless and Bob had looked like he was stealing himself from either fainting or giving up a scream in despair.

"Can we go and see him?" Brian heard his cousin asking.

"For the time being no one is allowed into his room and I would recommend that you wait up here for more information. Dr. Andersen has been called in and she will come and inform you about Nick's condition as soon as she can."

"But we can wait down there can´t we?"

"Yes you can..but I must warn you that the waiting room is full with people and you are much safer up here." Noticing that the dark man didn´t listen to what she said she added, "But if you are going down to ICU you can talk to Doctor Pendrell who is in charge of Mr. Carter right now. He can give you further information."

Nick's father who had said nothing at all while the woman had been talking looked suddenly up, grabbing her arm. "I have to ask you something...There is just one thing I want to know..."

The young nurse looked very uncomfortable, "Yes?"

"Tell me." Bob looked up with tears in his eyes, "Please tell me will my son make it? Will Nick survive?"

There was so much tension in the room that you could cut it with a knife. Waiting for an answer the nurse shrugged her arm away, "I´m sorry but I have to go."

"Please.." This time it was AJ´s turn to beg. And Brian felt bad for the nurse that was getting even more tense than before.

This was getting too much for her, "I´m so..sorry. Tha..that is all that I kno..know. I..I have other pa..patients waiting fo..for m..me." She stuttered. With that she briskly walked away mumbling something unheard.

The moment she was out of view AJ called out, "We have to get down to Intensive Care." He stood up to go to the elevator but his legs were shaking and he seemed very dizzy. It was clear that the past days tension had shaken up their friend very much and Kevin was the first one to butt into the situation.

"Jay you´re in no condition to go anywhere. You wait here with D and Bob while me and Bri go down to hear what is going on with Nicky." His southern drawl filled up the otherwise silent room and something in his posture must have seemed confident since none of the others objected. Not even AJ who often had something different to say. The fact that it was in the middle of the night and they were all very exhausted added to the situation too.

There was nothing for Brian to say against this descision since he wanted to find out how Nick was doing and also preferred to talk to the doctor straight up. There was a deafning silence inside the elevator and both Brian and Kevin were thinking about what information that would await them once they arrived down at ICU. The nurse had been right. The room was filled with patients in the waiting room and they felt pretty uncomfortable when they walked up to the information desk. What if anyone recognized them? The last thing they needed was to get the media in their hair.

An orderly with short ponytails and a pearl in her nose seemed pretty occupied with paperwork and she snapped her gum irritably when they asked for her attention.

Kevin coughed harshly, "Excuse me miss can you tell me.." he started just to get interrupted by a sneer, "God, can´t you see that I´m busy here. You have to wait for your turn mister." She made no move to look up and this had Kevin getting irritated. If there was one thing the Kentuckian loathed it was non service minded people. Once again, this time in an more authoritive tone Kevin said, " I´m Mr. Richardson and this.." He didn´t have a chance to end the sentence before the orderly snapped her head up and blushed.

"Oh I´m sorry Ke..I mean Mr. Richardson."

She smiled apologetically and Kevin had to try his best to keep his temper down. "It´s ok," he said with a tensed smile. "Our friend Mr. Carter was rushed down here from oncology and.." The orderly's face paled upon the information. "Oh I´m sorry," she mumbled but Kevin continued like he hadn´t heard her. "We were told that Doctor Pendrell was in charge of him and we would like to get a hold of the doctor to get some more information about his condition."

Brian smiled inwardly. Kevin was talking very formally and it wasn´t for nothing that he was the designated leader in the group and he was the one that often held the press conferences. His cousin was often gentle and understanding in his approach but when it came down to business he could be very hard too. Almost businesslike.

The young orderly fidgeted nervously in the seat as she let out a smile, "Are you a relative?" She was doing her best to act like she didn´t know who was standing infront of her but she was doing a lousy job at it. Brian too tired of not knowing what went on with his little brother filled in, "No he isn´t..but I´m his patient advocate..name is Brian Li.." He didn´t have a chance to end the sentence before she filled in, "Oh I know who you are Brian. You´re one of the members in the Backstreet Boys!" She set her hand over her mouth as she remembered what she´d said. Upon saying those words she knew that she wasn´t acting very professional and had stepped out of her boundaries alot. This would no doubt give her a reprimand but it was all worth it since it wasn´t everyday that there was a celebrity of this high status gracing the hospital. She was also either too stupid or proud to reveal that she´d made a mistake.

There was a loud gasp in the waiting room and both Kevin and Brian wanted to sink through the ground. The last thing they needed was people asking for them to sign autographs and even take pictures. Loud whispers were heard and the men felt like they were animals trapped in cages. This made Brian feel even more akward, "Screw them lets get out of here." He whispered.

Kevin, who was determinded to find out why Nick was taken down to ICU in such a rush and what his condition was now, shook his head mouthing silently to his cousin, "wait"

The orderly, who was now joined by several others, searched through the papers while her working mates were smiling like they were intended to get the two men to pick them up for a date. This whole situation appeared pretty akward. "Oh," she said after a while. "I´m seeing here that Mr. Pendrell is busy right now but I will ask him to see you as soon as he's availble. I hope that is ok." Apparently the orderly was so wrapped up with the popstars standing infront of her since she kept smiling stupidly at them.

Brian was starting to loose his temper. "No that´s not alright. We were told that Dr. Pendrell was the one in charge for Mr. Carter and we demand to see him right away."

Her smile faded. "I´ll see what I can do." With that the orderly left her seat and walked away to get the doctor. They didn´t have to wait long. "I´m sorry but like I said Dr. Pendrell has other patients right now. But you´re very welcome to sit down in the waiting room and I´ll call you as soon as he can talk with you." She pointed with her hands towards a few empty seat in the crowded waiting room.

Brian opened his mouth to object. He was in no condition to play charades but Kevin stopped him, "Let´s go and sit down there." With a sigh the younger man agreed and they sank down on the avaible seats next to a black woman. She was breast feeding a baby at the same time as a little girl, appeared to be around two, sat on her lap. When the two men sat down she instantly made room by moving her bags away from the seat.

"I´m sorry but the kids always crowd the room." She smiled apologetically and both Brian and Kevin returned the smile. "It´s ok."

Just then a small boy, around six, came running into the room. The mother instantly grabbed a hold of his arm. "Joseph Graham Brandwell!" she scolded him, "What did I tell you about running around. I told you to sit still didn´t I?"

The boy looked at his mom and then at the two men with a grumpy _expression on his face before saying out loudly, "But mooom..how can I do that when those.." he pointed at Brian and Kevin, "those two have taken up my seat!"

"Joseph!" His mother looked visibly embarrassed. She blushed violently, "That is no way to act." With that she told him how to act and that he was being rude and had to apologize to the men for saying such things. Brian was about to object when the little baby next to his mother's breast started to cry and the woman, now sweating from handling three children, picked the baby closer to her chest to let it burp. At the same time the little girl on her lap snuggled closer to her mother, intent on sleeping.

The two backstreet boys watched the scenario in silence and Kevin said after a while, "Here you can take my seat." Standing up he made room for the small boy to sit but the mother shook her head, "No..No it´s ok. He can sit on the floor if his tired."

"No take it. I wanna stand anyway." Kevin smiled and was about to say that it was no problem when he noticed that the woman was once again engrossed in trying to calm the young boy down as well as getting the baby to sleep. "Where are your brother and sister when I need them?" she muttered to herself. Then she looked up again and told Kevin, "I´m sorry that my kids are bothering you."

Once again Kevin tried to tell her that it was really ok but she wasn´t listening. Brian witnessed the scenario in silence and he was more than happy that he didn´t have to deal with raising three small children like that. It would be hard picturing Leighanne in a situation like this.

As if it wasn´t enough two more children, a girl and a boy, came into the room. The moment the woman set her eyes on the children she burst out, "There you are! I´ve been looking for you to take care of Taisha and Joseph since I have to get the baby to sleep. I also have to go and see if we can get a hold of that doctor to know how your daddy is doing." She was talking hushed and the two older children listened before the older boy, around nine, took charge of it all, "You go..I´ll look after them." On that cue the mother nodded and stood up, putting the baby in the carrier she said, "You all better behave while I´m gone." With that she walked out of the room, "I´ll be right back."

As soon as her mother was out of view the younger of the two girls started to cry, "Mommy..Mommy," she sobbed. "I want my mooomyyyy."

Instantly her older sister, a cute girl around seven with curly braids, was by her side. "Hush," she mumbled, putting her arm around her little sibling. "Don´t you cry..mommy just going to see daddy and she will soon be back." The little girl looked up at her sister and with tear-filled eyes and cracked voice asked, "Are you sure?" The older sister nodded again and for the moment the girl who listened to the name Taisha seemed comforted.

People in the room were still aggravated and there was more than once voice who whispered angrily that people like that shouldn´t be allowed to have kids at all. This had Brian irritated but he said nothing.

"Make that kid shut up!" One person barked. "I´m trying to get some eyeshut here!"

This made Brian even more annoyed since on cue the girl started to cry again, no doubt scared over the way the man was yelling. Couldn´t they see that there was a child in need here? Kevin who always liked children, but never knew how to act around them felt it fit to start a conversation. "Your sister is right," he said with a forced smile, "Your mommy is coming back soon. Don´t be scared."

The little girl instantly stopped crying and instead looked intensely at the dark tall man. Kevin, proud that he managed to get the girl quiet, was about to say something about that he knew how to handle kids to Brian who watched smugly from behind when her lips started to quiver once again and she let out an even louder and more desperate cry.

This had the other people getting more irritated than before and Brian started to laugh, "Way to go cousin!"

Kevin, intent to show what a great baby-sitter he was, shrugged his cousin away and then asked, "What´s your name little girl!"

This did it! Tears spilled even more widely and her older brother who was taking on the responsibility for his siblings said, "You´re scaring her mister!"

"I´m not dangerou.." Kevin stopped himself when he noticed how frightened the little girl looked.

"I think you´re scaring her with those big eyebrows of yours," Brian said with a smile. The older cousin looked at him irritated, "Oh yeah? And you´ll do much better then?"

"As a matter of fact..yes I will." Brian smiled triumphantly just to be met with "show me then." If there was one thing that the younger man never missed it was taking up a challenge. It could be just about everything but everytime someone asked him for a challenge his addrenaline would rush and he couldn´t say no. Just like Nick.

Turning towards the children he said with his best Donald Duck impression, "Howdy kids!" He talked like a duck and then he went on with his Jim Carrey impression and the other characters that he had in his battery. Soon the children started to relax and he made them laugh in the same way that he´d made Nick roll with laughter about the first time they met each other. And connected.

Kevin watched, at first looking a bit jealous but then his _expression changed when he noticed how Brian was winning the battle with the children's heart. 'Brian would make one hell of a dad,' he concluded, hearing the children giggle.

"You´re funny," Joseph said, sitting down on Brian's lap like he´d known Brian forever. His older brother looked displeased, "Mom has told us not to talk to strangers," he repeated again when Joseph put his arms around Brian's neck, "He´s no stranger. He is nice." This had the Kentuckian smiling, "Thanks..but you know that guy," he pointed at Kevin, "he can turn his eyelids inside and out..just like a monster."

"Nooo way!!!"

"Yup, he can." Turning to Kevin he asked, "Show them Kev..show them what you can do."

The older man blushed, "Nah I don´t think so..Not now."

But the prospect about seeing someone turning their eyelids inside and out sounded too tempting and the kids started to cheer him on for doing such a task. Finally Kevin couldn´t resisted and he said with a sigh, "Ok..but don´t say that I didn't warn you." With that he turned his eyelids inside and out just like he´d done on Jay Leno show a couple of years back. There were a big gasp as he did so and the children seemed genuinely impressed. Especially the two boys who looked upon Kevin like he was some kind of hero.

"Wow I wanna do that too," the little boy said with a longing sigh.

"What else can you do?"

"Nothing much...we can..we can burp!" Brian blurted out, getting an annoyed _expression from his cousin. "Or more likely our little brother can burp really loud. He can burp the alphabet!"

"Oh WOOOOW!!!" The boys were genuinely impressed as Brian revealed what Nick could do.

It wasn´t just the children that were impressed with what the two men could do but also there was mixed feelings in the room from the other people. Some were amused while others were just disgusted and thought that they had nothing to do there in the first place.

It was dragging out on time and no Doctor Pendrell was showing up, either was the kid's mother.

Brian felt good. It was so nice for a change to be able to get someone to laugh by cheering them up when the situation had been so intense for a longer period of time. This was his way of dealing with rough situations and with jokes Brian managed to deal with problems such as these. He like Nick, had never a long way to a smile.

Suddenly the older girl with the braids looked at them and said the exact words that they hoped wouldn´t be spilled that night, "You two look exactly like those two boys that my cousin Janelle has on a poster on her wall." Both Brian and Kevin tensed. For a brief moment they had thought that they could go along unrecognized but apparently it was as futile as always.

"Oh really," Kevin said calmly, "And which group is that?"

"I don´t know their name but my cousin says that the blonde guy in that group is sooo cute."

"Really?" The older man had to hide a smile. "And how old is your cousin?"

"Thirteen," the oldest boy filled in. "I know what the name of the group is. It´s Backstreet Boys!" It was Joseph that said those words that had a woman asking them, "Is this true? Are you really Kevin and Brian? In that case where are the rest of the group."

For a brief moment the two men judged their options and then decided to tell the truth, "Eh..yeah..we are." They waited for the rest of the patients to start asking questions but none said anything, but the little boy asked. "Why are you here?" "Joe that´s none of your business." The oldest boy's tone was harsh, turning to Kevin he said, "I´m sorry but he can be such a pain in the as..uh I mean butt!" His little brother widely objected, "I`M NOT!" and he responded with holding the kid down with his head in a neckhold. Not hard, just to tell his brother who was the boss and who run the place. This ended with the two boys involved in a loud discussion who was right and who was not. Kevin was the one to break it up after a while.

The men had smiled at the scenario since it reminded them both about the relation they had with Nick, especially in his younger years, but also about Nick and Aaron's relationship. Since Aaron had toured with them back in the early days they all had their fair share of the Carter brothers. All of the guys loved Nick and Aaron but there was just so much that one could take before going totally insane since one Carter was hard but dealing with two was almost impossible.

"It´s really ok to ask something like that. We don´t mind at all. Actually we´re here since our close friend is very sick." Kevin explained.

"Sick in what way? Sick like in the flu?" There was a frown on the small boys face.

"No its a more serious kind of sick," Brian explained.

"Oh does he have aids?"

The men had to hold back a gasp. How did the kid know that disease? As it wasn´t enough that they were rocked off the roof several people had turned to look at them when this question had been asked. As usual Kevin was the one to answer it with a question. Calm and stable. "No why do you think so?"

"Because my dad thinks he´s a fag and fags gets aids," the little boy explained. Both Brian and Kevin felt their temper raise when their big brother said, "Don´t mind him..he doesn´t know what he's talking about..you see our uncle was gay and he got aids and now he thinks that everyone that is gay gets that kind of disease." The boy laughed nervously.

"Oh..Ok..and no Nick doesn´t have aids and he sure isn´t gay either. He has cancer...Hodgkins disease it´s called."

"Our granddad died of caner," the little boy piped up.

"Oh I´m sorry about that." The words hit the two men harder than they wanted to admit.

"Eh..uh..will your friend die too..just like Grandpa Huxon?"

The older siblings looked terrified over what had been said, "Joseph!" They scolded him, "That is no way of saying.." There was a loud speech about what to say and do and this was not something that they could respect. If mom heard you now she would be so mad!"

The small boy that looked like he´d met Santa at Christmas dropped his comment,"If you´re really a rockstar..then you must have traveled and seen all these places that we see on the TV. Haven´t you?" There was so much admiration in his tone. His older siblings attempt to hush him down failed and the little boy stood tall instead, "Did you ever go to Europe?" His eyes were big.

"Yes, and Australia and Asia and South America," Brian said with a smile. For some strange reason he really liked this boy. Maybe it wasn´t so strange after all since it reminded him of Nick when he was young. There was so much innocence yet so much curiosity. This little boy was just as filled with life as Nick had been, especially before the business ran him down.

"You´re really my hero and when I grow older I´m going to be a popstar..just like you two."

The older sister, who´d managed to get the little girl to go to sleep wasn´t late in filling in, crushing his dreams, "That would never work. Mom and dad can´t afford you taking any lessons." She was very down to earth in her approach and both Kevin and Brian noticed the sparkle that had lit in the small boys eyes was seeping away, leaving an emptiness.

"Yes, how can we afford something like that? We can´t even go to Disney World and we live here in Tampa." The older boy felt it fit to tell his siblings to stay on the carpet. To come down to reality and stop dreaming.

Kevin felt a pang of guilt inside his heart. Here they were, meeting in a waiting room, yet their lives were so totally different from each other. "You´ve never been there?" Brian pricked up his attention too, waiting for an answer. His cousin shot him a look.

"No and now when our dad got shot we will probably never go there." The little boy looked sad but was instantly hushed down by his older siblings.

"He was?" This sounded so unreal.

"Yes, he was shot in his chest when he worked at the gas station. This was just a few hours ago and mom got a call to come down here to the hospital. And here we´ve been waiting for almost five hours for any result." The older boy was taking charge.

"And we don´t know if he will die." It was the little boy that filled in the gaps.

Kevin and Brian felt so bad. So rotten that there was no limit to it. Upon hearing these words their stomach clenched from despair. It would be a disaster if something happened to the father in the family, just like it would be if Nick died.

God forbid!

Their conversation was suddenly cut short when a young nervous doctor came into the waiting room. He walked straight to the men and reached out his hand, "Mr. Richardson and Mr. Littrell I presume"

"Yes?" They looked surprised at the dishelved doctor that looked like his deepest wishes was to get out of his shift and get a good night's sleep. "And you are?"

"Doctor Pendrell. I was told that you wanted to talk with me."

"Oh..yes." Both men stood up instantly, taking the doctors hand.

"Well lets go to a more private room, follow me," The doctor showed his way out and they were about to follow his stpes when a small voice piped up, "Are you going to leave us here?"

Instantly there was a pang of guilt that washed over them. The kids were in no state to be left like this yet they desperately wanted to know what the doctor had to say about Nick's condition. Judging from his dark bags under his eyes the young doctor had been in for a hard time. "Eh..uh..yes but..but I´m sure your mommy will come soon for you." Kevin looked at the small children that looked even more lost than before. There were tears pricking their eyes and even the small boy that had been so talkative avoided their glance.

Feeling lots of remorse over not being there for these kids that had come to share so much from their life he stuck his hand down his pocket and fished up his wallet. Quickly he withdraw a hundred dollar bill and handed it to the oldest boy, "Here you go..take this and tell your mom that you wanna go to Disney world." The boy as well as his siblings looked big eyed at the money and was about to accept it when he changed his mind and stuck his hands down his pocket instead.

"No."

Both Kevin and Brian looked in surprise. "No?"

"Nope..mom say that we are not allowed to accept charity." Turning to Kevin he then said in a much more mature way than any other kid in his age, "Thank you that was kind off you but like I said..no charity."

Dr. Pendrell seemed a bit irritated over the sudden delay, "I´m sorry to have to interrupt you but we have to get going.." He started to tell the men that there were many patients that needed to be attended to when Brian stopped him with his hand, "I´m sorry doctor but can you just wait for a second." Turning to the kids he then said casually, "How much would it be for that one?" as he pointed to a one of the drawings the children had made.

"Huh?" There were confusion in the room.

"I said how much would you like for that painting?"

"Eh..you wanna buy THAT?" The older boy stared at Brian who nodded back with a smile, "Yes, I´ll give you one hundred for it."

The children's faces lit suddenly up and the boy was following the picture. "Well, I´ll guess if you really like it..it´s ok then." With a large grin he took Brian's hand, "It´s a done deal."

Amazed over his cousin ability to get people to trust him Kevin handed over the dollar bill and then shook hand with the boy. There were another loud gasp in the waiting room as the scenario was taking place and one patient whispered to another that them Backstreet Boys maybe wasn´t so bad after all. Just when they were about to leave the room they could hear the children calling back, "Thank you so very much and we hope that your little brother Nick will get well again." Smiling back at the children the only thought that crossed the men's mind was, 'Yes! And so do we!' Walking with the young doctor to his office there were a creepy feeling that something had happened. Something bad that the good doctor avoided talking about.

While inside his office Dr. Pendrell coughed nervously, "I´m sorry to say that Mr. Carters condition has worsened through out the night and we´re suspecting that he has puntured a lung and..."Neither of the men were really listening to what the doctor had to say. The word surgery and critical condition hit them like a brick wall when they were suddenly thrown back into reality again. This had happened in such a cruel and forceful way that when it dawned on them that once again their little brother was in for another strong battle for his life they didn´t know what to say or do. No words were enough!

There was a pain unlike anything he had ever felt before. A stinging sensation in his lungs made it hard to breath and he found himself struggling for air. Even though he wasn´t conscious he could hear people talking in a rushed tone beside him but he could do nothing to get their attention. Instead it was like he was stuck in a vacuum. A place in-between life and death.

When he thought that he couldn´t take the pain any longer it suddenly lessened and was replaced by a warm and cozy feeling. The seering pain that had taken over his body was gone and there was a weird sensation in his head.

He could feel himself lifting off the table.

Confused over this new ability he felt like he was flying and to his surprise he noticed that it was like he had left his body. Looking down he saw the doctors and nurses working on him, frantically shouting words to each other. He wanted to tell them to stop. To slow down since he was feeling just fine and there was no use in working on that shell that laid on the operating table, but no matter how he tried no words could come over his lips.

The sensation of flying became even stronger and soon he was high above the trees, looking at everyone, noticing that the houses and trees and people were small like toothpicks. He was so high up that he could reach the clouds with his bare hands. Much higher than the birds. A feeling of freedom washed over him and there was no bounds, nothing that could stop him from rising higher. Nothing could stop him from reaching God.

But suddenly the feeling was replaced with another and he found himself walking in a tunnel. A dark tunnel with light at the end of it. He felt scared but at the same time curious over what the light on the other side could bring him and an unknown force kept pushing him forward. He didn´t have to think twice since instinctively he knew where he was. He was in the tunnel of death and the further he walked the closer he came to the light and away from the pain that had filled his last months. But at the same time he walked further away from life.

'So this is what it´s like to be dead,' Nick found himself thinking as he continued his journey towards freedom and salvation.

On the sides of the tunnel there were shadows lurking in the darkness and they were whispering something to him. Ignoring them he continued his journey further in and soon he was so close on the edge of crossing over that nothing could stop him from taking that step. As he reached the light he could see that it was water, unlike any water that he had ever seen before and the first thought that crossed his mind was how was he going to cross the other side because he had no boat. As if someone had read his thoughts a figure came towards him in the light, standing on a boat. There was something peaceful and welcoming over the person and to his surprise he noticed that the man looked like the pictures he had seen of Jesus in his schoolbooks and when the man reached out his hand to help him aboard the boat he felt like his long journey had finally come to an end.

He had come home.

The voices in the background that had been nothing but a whisper suddenly rose in volume and he could hear them loud and clear. They were calling his name, wanting him to come back, but he was too far into the light to obey and he knew the moment he reached the hand that was outreached for him there would be no turning back. He would be on the other side. The freedom and happiness that he had searched for all his life was there, yet he couldn´t take the step. Make the decision

It was if there was something else pulling at him, calling for him, making him feel confused. "Go away," he whispered to the sounds that were bothering him, "GO!" But they didn´t listen. Instead the face of his brother Aaron, his friends Brian, Kevin, AJ and Howie and his family appeared on his cornea. They were the closest in his life and the ones that meant the most and they were the only thing that could stop him from taking the step.

Nick felt a pang in his heart and closing his eyes he hoped that the vision of them would be gone when he opened his eyes again. But instead he noticed that the figure, the man that had been waiting to take him over to the other side was slowly fading and he could feel a strong force pulling him back through the tunnel again.

A violent bolt and it all happened in a second. He could feel himself getting dragged further and further away from the light and even if he was protesting, shouting that he wanted to go back, there was no stopping him. The next thing he knew he started to fall, fall further and further down and the houses and the trees that had been small like toothpicks were becoming their own size again.

It was like he was trapped in a hurricane of emotions and he was swirling in top speed. Feeling dizzy he closed his eyes and before he knew it he was back in the operating room and he could see the people working on him, shocking him with all kinds of devices. The machine in the room that counted his heartbeat had flat lined but still no one refused to give up and it was then and there Nick made his decision

He was going to live.

He was going to fight this disease that had invaded his body to the last drop even if it meant that he would have to suffer to reach his goal. He was going to fight cause he wasn´t afraid of dying anymore.

With those thoughts he was thrown violently back to the shell that his body was and within seconds his heart started to beat again.

He had survived.

Bob Carter leaned his lanky frame into the worn padded chair with a tired gesture. He had been waiting patiently for someone to come and tell them how his son was doing ever since they wisked him off to surgery several hours ago.

Hours that seemed like years.

Each of the men that had gathered in the lounge had their own ways of dealing with the tension; surprisingly the one Backstreet Boy that seemed the calmest seemed to be anything but calm as he leafed through well-worn magazine after magazine, his knee bouncing quickly up and down as he leafed through the pages.

“Judas Train, you’re giving me a fuckin’ headache with all that goddamn page turning,” AJ grumbled as he reached a hand out to silence the magazine.

“We’re all a little stressed out,” Howie softly defended, “some more than others understandably,” he added as he gestured with a nod toward Bob Carter.

AJ eased his body up from his chair. “Well I’m gonna go out for a----”

“Sit your ass back down,” Kevin interrupted in a threatening tone. “You can stay here and wait with the rest of us.”

Howie made his way across the lounge toward Brian who had been quietly standing by the window, deep in thought. He lightly laid a hand on the Kentuckian’s shoulder. “How are you holding up?”

Brian shrugged in reply, tearing his gaze from the scenery. “It seems to be taking such a long time,” he whispered after he stole a quick glance at his watch.

Howie could only nod in agreement. There wasn’t anything he could add that would lessen the tension in the room.

Four sets of eyes expectantly rivoted toward the door when it swung open. Jane Carter breezed her way into the private waiting room, with Aaron in tow.

“My god, it seemed to take forever to try and get into this godforsaken hell hole of a hospital,” she snapped as she adjusted a stray tuft of hair away from her face.

“Well, I hope it didn’t inconvenience you getting here,” Bob muttered.

AJ rolled his eyes. Kevin, being prepared as always, thrusted an elbow into the tattooed man’s ribs before a remark could be uttered.

Jane looked at the men that were gathered in the waiting room. “How come no one is in with Nicky? I tried to ask some of the help at that desk---”

“Nurses mom,” Aaron interrupted, grinning when he noticed AJ’s eyebrow arched in amusement.

“Nurses, whatever, well I asked them where my son was and they sent me here.”

“Like I’ve said the first four times I’ve called you Jane, Nick isn’t doing very well and they have asked to have the family here,” Bob replied in a low voice.

“Well of course he’s not doing well Bob, he’s got cancer.” Jane remarked in a matter-of-fact type of voice as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

“Is something wrong dad? Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” Aaron asked.

Bob ran a hand through his hair. “Your brother was taken into surgery awhile ago.”

Aaron’s eyes widened. “S-surgery? Why? What for?”

Before Bob had the chance to explain, a surgical nurse appeared in the doorway. “Mr. Carter, please follow me to the surgical conference room.”

“Aaron, you wait here,” Jane huffed, carrying her coffee as she followed her husband and nurse out of the waiting room.

After a few moments, Bob Carter returned with Jane’s coffee cup and sat it down heavily on an endtable. “Aaron, you can come with us, you need to hear what’s going on with your brother.”

With mixed emotions, Aaron followed the surgical nurse alongside his father, uncertain of what he was about to hear. He could see it in his father’s face that something definately was going on and it wasn’t going to be good news.

She escorted them into a small office-type room. “Dr. Pendrell will be with you in a few moments,” she stated before she softly closed the door.

“I can’t believe you told Aaron to come with us!” Jane spoke in a harsh whisper to her husband.

“He has every right to hear what is going as much as the rest of us!”

Aaron sat quietly, staring down at his folded hands as his parents faught in front of him.

“He’s too young to hear about all of this nonesense. He should be off recording and not in here,” Jane whispered, shaking her head.

“That so called nonsense is called cancer and I don’t care what you think----”

“Please, don’t fight,” Aaron quietly interrupted. “Please, not here, not now.”

Bob Carter’s mouth dropped open in shame when he realized that he and Jane had been arguing at one of the worst possible moments when they should be showing care and support. He quickly wrapped an arm around his young son.

“God Aaron, I’m so sorry.”

A quiet knock was heard on the closed door before it swung open with a extremely tired looking man, dressed in green surgical scrubs. Quickly sitting in the vacant chair, the man quickly introduced himself as he extended his hand to Jane Carter. “Dr. Pendrell.”

Jane shook the man’s hand and then warily eyed him as she reached over to put a hand ontop of Aaron’s in a “motherly gesture.”

“You have an extremely determined son, Mr. and Mrs. Carter,” the doctor began. “The surgery wasn’t going as I had expected.”

Bob’s eyes widened. “There were complications?”

The man nodded. “Unexpected complications, but we didn’t have any other choice but to operate. Nick’s heart had stopped---”

”Oh my god!” Jane gasped.

The doctor shifted uncomfortably in his seat for a moment, clearing his throat. “We worked on him for several minutes and I wasn’t sure he would pull through, but somehow he came back.”

“He’s okay?” Bob asked in a hestitant voice.

“He’s stable for now, critical, but stable,” Dr. Pendrell corrected.

“Why on Earth did you operate on Nick in the first place if he didn’t seem to be able to pull through this type of ordeal?” Jane questioned.

“I told you on the phone that Nick had taken a turn for worse with that lung infection.....I told you that they said to call the family in...”

“What? What lung infection? What are you talking about?” Aaron gasped.

Bob Carter locked eyes with his wife. “You didn’t tell him?”

“I felt it would be best not to say anything to the kids about this,” Jane defended crisply.

Ignoring Bob and Jane, Dr. Pendrell turned his attention to Aaron. “Nick’s cancer is a very difficult cancer to treat and with any cancer it can mestasize and unfortunately, one of the many places it likes to go to is the lungs, bones or brain. I’m not saying that his cancer is in his lungs, but with all that Nick has been through, his system is dealing with one thing after another and the RSV collapsed one of his lungs and we had to fix that so he can get better 02 exchange.”

The doctor paused as he looked at their faces. “If you don’t have any questions, I need to write some orders for Nick and get with some of my other patients.”

“When can I see him?” Jane blurted.

Dr. Pendrell sighed, he couldn’t help but think to himself that the woman appeared to be in extreme denial about her son’s condition. “Nick is in recovery right now, I think it would be best to let him rest today and come back and see him tomorrow.” He shook Bob’s hand firmly and exited the consultation room.

“Well I guess we should go down and tell the others,” Bob sighed as he stood up.

Aaron refused to move, his face etched in stone.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Nick! I had to hear it from his goddamn doctor!”

“Aaron Charles Carter!” Jane quietly admonished.

He narrowed his eyes as he looked over at his mother. “You knew all along that Nick isn’t doing good and you didn’t tell me. Why?”

“I didn’t think it was necessary,” Jane defended.

“Necessary? Mom, we’re talking about Nick here, why didn’t you say anything to me? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to get upset,” Jane replied, running a thumb across Aaron’s cheek to wipe the fresh tears that were spilling downward.

Aaron grabbed his mother’s hand in defiance. “Didn’t want me to get upset? That isn’t fair! I have a right to know!”

“Honey.....I’m sorry but you know it’s not easy on any of us and I just thought this would be better for you this way.”

“But he died mom---”

“Don’t you ever say that! He didn’t die! He’s alive and he’s just fine! In fact Nicky will be up and about recording in no time. I heard that they were planning on being in the studio again in a few months.”

Bob shook his head as he listened to Jane’s words. He realized that she wasn’t seeing the situation clearly and no matter how long they talked she would continue to pretend that this wasn’t happening. As he was opening his mouth to try and smooth over the situation between Aaron and Jane, Aaron’s next words made his blood run cold.

“Now I can see why Nick threw you out.....you want everything your way and you seem to think that nothing is wrong unless it’s with you personally. I can’t believe you! I hope to God that Nick makes it because you will have a hard time living with yourself if he dies.”

Brian softly walked his way down the hall toward Nick’s familiar ICU room. He was growing to become immune to the sights, sounds and the smells that were a part of the ICU wing as well as the rest of the hospital. He had so many thoughts running through his mind as he stood in the doorway to Nick’s room.

Thoughts and promises.

The nurse looked up from the chart she was working on. “He’s still coming out of his sedation, but you’re free to come in if you’d like.”

Brian took a few hesitant steps into the room when the nurse stood up. “I’ll come back later.”

“No, you’re fine, I need to go get some meds for Nick, you stay here, you’re fine.”

Staring down at his best friend, Brian blinked back the tears. Nick appeared lost to him, his skin color matching the whiteness of the hospital linens. The green nasal canula almost appeared to be neon in contrast to pale complexion.

Cupping Nick’s hand in his, Brian stroked the skin for a few moments. “Nick, why did you want to leave? You can’t go yet, we need you,” Brian swallowed hard as he took in Nick’s quiet expression. “Heck, I need you.”

The only reply to his demands was the sound of the monitors; an orchastra of pings and beeps. The squeaking of the nurse’s shoes announced that she had returned and Brian quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks.

“You’re okay where you are hun, I just need to push this in his IV, you’re fine,” the nurse chirped with a Southern accent.

Brian nodded, turning his attention back to Nick. “How long do you think he’s gonna be asleep?”

“Well I hope he rests until tomorrow, he’s been through quite a bit today.”

Brian nodded in agreement. “That’s an understatement.”

Brian and the nurse’s attention was quickly directed to the bed when Nick started softly sobbing.

Brian glanced from Nick to the nurse. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s just coming out of the anesthesia,” she replied non-chalantly. “Every patient does their own thing.”

Brian furrowed his brow when he glanced back down at his friend. “Nick it’s okay, I’m here.”

The nurse leaned her face next to Nick’s ear. “Nick, hun, you’re back in your room, the surgery is overwith.”

Nick quickly squeezed Brian’s hand and then quickly let go, reaching up to his face, he hooked a finger under the cannula and pulled it from his nose. The nurse quickly pulled his hand away and re-adjusted the cannula. “Leave that alone Nick.”

“Nick, it’s okay, you’re alright now,” Brian soothed as he rubbed Nick’s shoulder.

”Oh God,” Nick whispered, causing the alarm to go off on the oxygen monitor.

“Just breathe hun, don’t fight, just breath easy, nice and slow,” the nurse coached.

The nurse appeared calm but Brian on the other hand was quickly becoming panicked as the alarms kept ringing. The nurse could see that he was he getting uncomfortable.

“It’s a common thing when you’ve got a chest tube,” she re-affirmed.

”It hu-hurts,”Nick whispered again.

“Sh-h-h hun, I know it does, let me give you something in your IV to settle that for you.”

“She’ll take care of it, hold on Nick,” Brian soothed as he gripped Nick’s hand in his. His attention was quickly taken off of Nick when a gasp came from the door.

”MY POOR DEAR NICKY!”

"Oh my baby..my beatiful baby," she whispered as she stroked his hand gently; A tear stung in her eyes but she quickly wiped it away afraid that someone would come in and see her in the vulnerable state that she was in. She´d been sitting next to the bed for more than five hours, refusing to let anyone enter the room since she was the best fit to take care of him. After all she was his mother and she opted to be there for him when he woke up. Alone.

But there were no signs of him waking up, his body too pumped with the heavy drugs that filled his veins. His restless moves and the occasional deep frown on his forehead told her that the drugs didn´t do it all and that he was still in some kind of discomfort. Feeling his forehead she noticed that he was much too warm for her liking and soon as one of the nurses came in for the hourly check up she would tell them that she suspected a fever.

Wincing, her hand came in contact with the soft skin on his head and she was instantly reminded of the reason for why he was laying here all helpless. It was the cancer that was slowly eating him up. Making him loose the lovely thick golden hair that he had since he was a little boy. Her heart was filled with tears upon looking at the shadow that her son had become. His baldness made her feel sick to her stomach and the fact that he was all skin and bones made her wanna scream, but instead she kept a calm surface, not betraying anything of the turmoil that filled her inside.

The fatigue and the stress that she´d been experiencing over the last days and weeks, were slowly catching up with her. She had done her best to act like nothing was wrong since it was the only thing she could do. If she let those feelings of despair out she feared a breakdown was close and that was not something that Aaron or any of her children would benefit from, therefore she kept playing the charade. All the while hoping that it was just another nightmare and that she would wake up from it and it would be like it had always been. Nick well and healthy and everybody happy and smiling. Her psychologist had said that she was in denial and needed help. To that she had told him that he was talking a bunch of crap and that she could deal with it all without any interference from someone else. Then she had fired him. And now she was inclined to prove everyone that she could handle the pressure. That Jane Carter was a strong woman that didn´t break down over her son's illness.

But now she wasn't so sure any longer...

The news that her son was struggling for his life and had nearly died hit her like a ton of bricks. The thought of loosing him made her feel ill to her stomach and she had to do everything to remain her usual calm self. The irritation that she had felt earlier was more a result of desperation than anything else. Dealing with emotions had never been her strong suit, especially when it was strong feelings like love, sadness and hate. Her escape route had been pretending that everything was status quo and to spend her time in LA with the rest of the family. Her attempt to get Nick to move with her to LA had failed and had instead lead them to have an unsolved conflict.

She knew that people thought she was a cold hearted bitch, even her own husband had those thoughts, but it couldn´t be more wrong. It wasn´t her fault that she ever since childhood was thought to always look at difficult situations from a positive light, as she called it herself. Bob, like her former psychologists (she fired them all) called it denial, but this she refused to listen to. Instead her attitude to always act like nothing was wrong had proved to be a big help through out the years. How else could she deal with a stressful schedule with all of her children being in the entertainment business in one way or the other?

She was a successful manager more than a mother and this was a skill that she intended to keep because if that didn´t work out what was she then? A failure?

Every time the topic of Nick's disease came up she did her best to stay away from it all, staying out of his vision since being too close could lead her to having to deal with too powerful and strong emotions which she wasn't ready to handle. Reality often had a tendency to sneak up on her when she least expected it and even if she knew deep down inside that it was her obligation as a mother to take care of her son she still did everything to avoid it. Nick reminded her too much of the cruel and naked truth.

Tears were starting to roll down her cheeks when her thoughts were interrupted by a groan. instantly she focused on her son who acted like he was starting to wake up. "Nick?" she whispered but got no answer back. Instead his eyelids fluttered and he moved restlessly in bed. Moaning.

"Nickolas honey. Do you hurt?" Her voice was soft yet she had to will herself to keep calm since her instinct told her that he was suffering.

Mumbling something unheard she saw that he was struggling to wake up. Her first thought was to get a nurse that could deal with his pain since he was showing more and more signs of being in distress. The moans kept coming closer and the deep wrinkle on his forehead told her that he was feeling anything but well. A hand came up to touch his chest and she could see that he was trying hard to breath evenly.

"Hun hold on. Don´t fight the tube," she whispered when he was tugging at the cord. "It´s there to help you breath better." Her own voice was thick with emotions and she did her best to bite back the tears that were threatening to spill over. There was no need for Nick to see how devastated she felt, especially not when he was in critical condition. He made no move to let up his hand from the tube and she could see that he was struggling to pull it out.

"No..No Nick, I said leave that alone." Firmly she took his hand in an attempt to make him stop damaging himself and when she was going to let it rest on the bed she could feel him taking a firm hold. The motion was unexpected and her first instinct was to pull her hand away, but the grip was too strong.

It was like he was gripping onto something in a vain attempt to stay alive and her hand happened to be in the way. She tried to remain calm but the emotions were starting to dwell up inside her and now it was her turn to have a hard time breathing. Tears burned in her throat, choking her and she had to get out of the room or she would loose her calm surface. The reactions that she was trying to suppress could lead to something she wasn't ready to deal with and then it was better to escape than battle the feelings.

His blue eyes opened slowly in a struggling attempt to stay awake. The look she was giving him was one of pain and she pulled her hand away with a gasp. Quickly she wiped away some strained tears from her cheek before adding, "I´m going to tell one of the nurses that you are awake." With that she stood up quickly. His eyes kept looking at her with a mixture of pain and relief and it was like they looked through the depths of her soul. This was getting too much for Jane and she walked briskly to the door, "I´m getting someone." With that she swung the door opened and fled out of the room.

Escaping from the pain that was starting to overwhelm her. Making it too much for her to handle

************************************************************************************************************

Waking up Nick found his throat feeling like a desert. It hurt to swallow so bad and there was a tickling sensation in his lungs that made him want to cough and gag. Once he was fully awake to comprehend that he was lying in his hospital room with tubes stuck into him from all kinds of directions he wished that someone would come in to the room and have mercy over him. Giving him something for the pain which was about to rip him apart. He wished for another dose of those strong drugs that were injected into his IV and that made his head feel all fuzzy and his body tingle with sensation.

He knew that they were pumping him full with morphine which was not a good sign but right now he could do anything to get away from the pain that held his body hostage.

A noise suddenly caught his attention. He wasn´t alone in the room. Someone was beside him, crying. Silently. He also recognized the smell of perfume when he felt another ripping sensation in his chest that had him gasping. Instinctively he tugged at the tube stuck in his throat, trying to pull it out in a vain attempt to be able to speak. Suddenly there was a soft comforting hand and he could hear his mother's soft voice talking to him.

He felt confused.

What was his mom doing in his room? Wasn´t she supposed to be in LA with Aaron? He had a vague memory that they had been fighting and she hadn't talked to him much lately. The conversation usually went through his dad who was the middle man. There were so many questions that he wanted to ask but the tube didn't allow him to speak. Instead he gripped her hand hard, not wanting to let her go since it felt so good that she was back with him again. He´d missed her. When his mom tried to loosen his grip he held on even tighter, afraid that if he let her go he would loose her forever.

Tears were stained on her cheek and he could tell that she had been crying even if she would quickly wipe away the tears, afraid that he would see how vulnerable she felt. This made him want to reach out for her. To tell her how much he missed her and that he loved her. But instead she stood up, quickly and left the room before he had a chance to say something. His attempt to call back for her failed when all that could be heard was a moan and he had to steal himself from the start of a coughing fit. No words came across his lips and with despair he watched her disappear out of vision. Out of his life.

Another searing pain in his chest made him aware of how much he hurt and he fumbled with his hand for the button so he could call for some help. His mom had told him that she would go and look for a nurse but he didn't know if he could wait that long. Shifting restlessly in the bed he found himself getting restrained from all the tubes and lines connected to his body. Holding back a groan he tried to think of something else besides the pain that ripped through him.

There was a vague memory of a strange dream where he´d been walking through a tunnel searching for a light. The memory of him finding peace haunted him and for a moment he thought that maybe it hadn't been a dream. It felt like it was something he´d experienced but then how could that be possible since as far as he knew he had been on the surgery table and not walking in a tunnel. He didn't have enough time to think the thought through when a female voice cut in his mind.

"How are you doing Nickolas? Your mom said that you were starting to wake up." Checking his IV line the blonde nurse continued, "Are you in any pain? Discomfort?"

Upon hearing those words he had to bit back a sarcastic laugh. What? Was this nurse trying to be funny? Cause if she was she wasn´t doing a very good job at it. Since he was in no state answering he moaned loudly hoping that she would get the message and give him something. She must have been a mind reader or very good at reading his body language since she assured him that he would get some more of that good and heavy stuff that had filled his body earlier

He had to smile to himself since it felt so good when the drug shot through his veins and into his system, making him relax. Before his thoughts drifted off to a comforting bliss his mind was on his mom again. He wished that she had been there for him. holding his hand, instead of going away. Even though he cussed her mentally for leaving him he still knew that deep inside she cared for him. The tears had been proof of that. Deep inside he also knew that running away was her way in dealing with a lot of hard emotions and he couldn´t blame her. He´d probably done the same if he was in her shoes. Denial was something that they had lived with all their life, otherwise they wouldn´t be able to make it in the hard entertainment industry.

His eyelids were getting heavy again and soon he found it difficult to stay awake. Darkness was starting to surrender him and he could feel himself relaxing and soon he was fast asleep. Pain free

There was a strange feeling standing there alone in Nick's house while his friend was at the hospital batteling for his life. Even if he´d stayed there for several weeks he was still not getting used to the silence that surrounded him and the fact that his friend was not there to talk to him. But it all had it´s reasons. Reasons that he was doing his best to forget.

Today he´d made one of his hardest decisions in his life and even if it wasn´t forever there was still doubt in his mind that he´d done the right thing. Made the right choices. The past days commotion had left him with an impending headache and with small even moves he rubbed his temples hoping to lessen the pain. Yet he knew that it was futile. The pain that he felt wasn´t one of illness instead it was stress related and as long as Nick was battling for his life there was no use in calming down and relaxing.

A sudden noise; laughter, caught his attention. It was Aaron and AJ playing with the pugs in the backyard. Their happy laughter felt unnatural in the tense situation and Brian was on the verge of telling them to be quiet when he was reminded that Nick wouldn´t have wanted his friends to act sad.

Jerking back, like he´d put his hand on a hot stove, he found himself thinking and acting like the worst had happened when in reality his friend was still very much alive, still being in critical condition, but away from the death that he had been so close to earlier.

Nick had woke up earlier in the day and right now his parents were at his side. Even though his family had come to be with him Brian still felt like a crock. He had made his choice between the two people that he loved the most and now he was soon going to be on a plane to Atlanta.

When he´d talked to Leighanne's dad the choice had been pretty easy to make. Leigh needed him and that was all that counted since he opted to be there for her and the baby. Even if Nick was sick there was no way he was going to let her battle a problem filled pregnancy without him being at her side. The prospect of "soon-to-be" dad had gained up on him and even if he was excited there were too many clouds in the sky too. Just when he had booked the tickets to go back at noon he´d received the news about his friend's critical condition which led to his plans changing drastically.

Upon calling Leighanne to inform her that he wouldn´t be going home yesterday there had been lots of disappointment in her voice, yet she had told him to stay if he wanted to. He loved his wife for being so understanding and even if one part of him wanted to stay another part told him that he had to leave. Nick had the rest of the guys and his family with him now and there was no need for yet another person at his side. It was after making this decision that he stood outside, waiting for Kevin to drive him to the airport.

Looking out at the calm ocean his eyes focused on the big boat that was sitting on the dock. It was Nick's beauty, his pride and thinking that his friend would maybe never be able to ride that boat again made his stomach do somersaults. Biting back the tears that burned in the corner of his eyes he tried to remain calm. Mentally he told himself that a breakdown was not something that would gain anything, especially not in front of Aaron, and it was these thoughts that helped him to remain the calm and positive facade that he had played out so long that he was almost starting to believe the lie.

But deep inside there were so many other thoughts occupying his mind and they were very far from being positive. His friend had won the last battle with his health and even if the rest of the guys said that they thought Nick would make it, there was still a tear in his heart. A little voice told him that the odds were very bad and even if the doctor hadn´t come out and said it loud he´d seen in Dr. Andersen's eyes that there was not much hope. But this was not something he would reveal to either men and certainly not to Nick or his family.

"You´re ok B-rok?" It was Howie that was coming to check up on him in the same way he always did when someone was low or being unusually quiet. His warm and calm voice felt comforting and just to add to that feeling the Latino placed his hand on his shoulder without saying anything.

Not wanting to turn around, too afraid to show the feelings that dwelled up inside of him, Brian swallowed hard. "Yeah..sure..I´m just standing here. Looking out at the ocean." He smiled briefly before adding, "Thinking." His tone probably betrayed him, his emotions, yet he couldn´t care less. Howie had seen him in all kinds of situations and emotions through out the years and there was no way he could hide the way he was feeling.

"Is it about Nick?"

Nodding Brian bit back the tears that had started to roll down his cheek. Quickly he wiped them away with the back of his hand. He was a grown man and a grown man didn´t cry. No more words had to be said before Howie was there again with his comforting words.

"Bob called."

Brian tensed up. His first thought was that something terrible had happened and he didn´t dare to look at Howie who was standing close to him. As if the Latino could read his mind he continued, "Nick is doing so much better and his fever has gone down again. They have even taken out the chest tube which is a good sign."

Relieved but also surprised over the positive outcome Brian whispered, "Awesome." His words said one thing while his tone told another story. Howie who had a knack of knowing other peoples feelings wasn´t fooled by his words.

"What´s the matter? Are you not happy for him? This is good news not some kind of funeral."

Brian, still trying to process the news that Nick was getting better again, nodded. "Yeah I didn´t mean it like this..I just..I´m." He stopped himself when he couldn´t find any words.

"You know he even asked for you," Howie added in a vain attempt to make his friend feel even better. But instead it worked the opposite way, making him feel even worse.

"That is great," he mumbled while stifling the tears that he felt dwell up inside of him. The feeling of being a jerk and betraying his friend grew even stronger, making him feel like a coward for leaving his friend in a time like this.

"You know Brian..everything is going to be alright." Howie's voice was filled with warmth and he felt like a bad guy for not accepting the comfort he was given. Instead he nodded before adding with a hint of defeat, "Yes..I know."

His words held no meaning to him and he found them to be just as dead as if he was speaking about a corpse. Time had played a big part as well as there had been too many set backs lately. He had started to doubt his own beliefs and there was more than one time when he had asked God why they were letting Nick go through all of this. To him there was no meaning in suffering so much, at least not to this extent. Nothing good was coming out of all this and for the first time in his life he´d actually doubted over the meaning with all of this. When Nick had been battling for his life on the surgery table he´d spent the better part praying. Praying for the Lord to show him what the purpose was for all of this pain.

Going down the road with the group had proved to be a hard task and there had been many set backs in their life. At first they had been ruled by a cruel and forceful management and then the personal set backs had hit them hard. His own heart surgery as well as the death of Howie's sister had put a lot of strain on the group but what really tested their relationship was AJ´s drug abuse. There had been times when they had thought that they would never make it but all the time Brian had kept his hopes up, not putting his guard down. Howie's positive attitude had also helped to lift the group as well as Nick's laid back appearance. The youngest in the group was the one that wasn´t hit personally even if Brian knew that there were lots of trouble inside the family and Nick was battling bouts of depression and loneliness

Just when they thought that things were starting to slow down. AJ had been to drug rehab and they were about to start working on a new CD faith came back to hit them in the back with full force and the outcome didn´t look that good.

"No you don´t," Howie startled him; cutting through his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"I said you don't believe that things are going to be alright. I can see it in your face, even if you say one thing." There was a calm tone in his voice as he added, "You don´t believe that Nick will survive. That he will be well again."

The words hit him like a ton of bricks and he wanted to object when Howie raised a hand to stop him, "No Brian..there is no use in lying. Not to us and certainly not to yourself." Drawing his breath back he continued, "You´re just saying that he will make it when in reality you don't believe that it will happen"

Brian looked stunned. Never in all of these years had Howie been this frank with him about an issue like this. Usually the older man was the one to comfort them all and with his positive attitude towards life he was the one to help them all get through difficulties. He wasn´t judgmental and when it came to taking sides Howie D never was the one to make a choice. At first this had irritated Brian greatly but as time passed on he came to realize that it was actually pretty good to have a neutral part in the band. Someone that could negotiate and look at both sides from a different perspective. He was the peace maker in the band and it was more than one time that Sweet D had to stop the band from falling into shreds.

"No D you´re wrong I.." Brian started when his friend cut him short.

"You know Rok I never thought I would say this but I am actually glad that you are leaving."

Shocked and surprised over the words his friend used he looked at Howie with a stunned _expression. Why was he saying these things? This wasn´t like the Howie he knew at all to say something like that. Frowning he opened his mouth to object when Howie continued in his ever calm posture.

"That negative attitude that you have will do no good in helping him. Instead you keep dragging him down even if you don´t want to." This time Brian couldn´t hold his mouth shut.

"What are you saying? I don´t have a negative attitude. Who are you to say something like this?" Anger burned inside him and he was clenching his fist to remain calm. In the corner of his eye he saw Aaron and AJ looking curiously in their direction and there was no way he was going to let his brothers have the satisfaction of seeing him heated up over this matter.

"You don´t come out and say it loudly, but all this going back and forth whether you should stay or not is affecting us and in the long run Nick. You have to make up your mind since being here with just half your heart is doing no one any good." Howie was speaking wisely and even if the words felt like an attack, Brian knew that there was truth in them. "And now when you have made your choice I think it's better that you leave..for all parties." There was disappointment in the older man's voice as he said the words and Brian felt totally shocked.

Howie was the last one he had thought to say something like this. And it hurt, the truth hurt so bad that he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Someone must have read his thoughts as Kevin's dark voice boomed trough the tense silence.

"There you are. I´ve been looking for you all over the place. We have to get down to the airport right now or we will be late." Noticing the tension that was between the two friends he added, "Are you guys alright?" Howie shrugged, not saying anything and this had Kevin asking, "Brian?"

Snapped out of his own thoughts and the realization that Howie had actually said those things to him Brian looked up, "Sure." He was doing his best to steal himself for the upcoming breakdown that was threatening to take over his body and soul. "Just let me get my suitcases and then we are fixed to go."

Maybe Howie was right. Maybe it was time to go. To make up his mind. With these thoughts he turned around, walking away, avoiding his friends piercing eyes that cut through his soul like glass.

They had only traveled two miles when Kevin sighed loudly. “Okay you wanna talk about it?”

Catching a glare at his cousin Brian jerked in his seat "Huh?"

"Somethings wrong..I can tell."

The younger Kentuckian absently scratched his forearm as he looked out the passenger side window. “Nothing is wrong,” he lied.

Kevin nodded with a slight smirk on his face. “Yeah, nothing is wrong....sure.”

”I told you it´s nothing!”Brian snapped.

“Then why are you getting so adgitated?”

Brian raked a hand through his hair. ”Because you keep asking me what’s wrong!” He was thankful when Kevin grew silent; it appeared to Brian that he was finally dropping the subject until the car had to stop for a traffic light.

Kevin looked over at his cousin, lowing his sunglasses. “Brian, I don’t want to keep pushing you on this, but it’s kinda obvious when something is bugging you when you barely said goodbye to Aaron, AJ and I don’t know what the hell that was with Howie.......c’mon, please talk to me, you can’t get on that plane with all that emotional baggage.”

"I dont have any emotional baggage!" Brian was in no mood of talking and this he showed clearly. Keeping his eyes focused on his lap he ran the palms of his hands back and forth over his jeans.

"What are you nervous about? Don´t you think you made the right desicion?" Kevin asked while speeding up as the traffic light turned green.

"Huh? Why do you think I´m nervous?" Brian asked biting his lip.

"You´re doing that gesture that you always does when you dont wanna talk."

"What gesture?" His voice went up an octave. Why did Kevin always have to bugg him so much? Couldn´t he leave him alone?

"Oh stop it," Kevin sneered before adding, "You always rub the palms of your hands on your jeans when you dont wanna talk. And bite your lip. Just like Nick does. I swear that sometimes it´s like you two are brothers." He chuckled lightly.

"So?" Brian started to feel annoyed. What business had his cousin in questioning him like this? And what did it matter if he was ´so like his "little brother" Nick after all they had practically grew up together so it would be wierd if they hadn´t taken on their habits too.

To his surprise Kevin slowed down, steering the car to the side of the road while cars were honking irritated behind them. Ignoring this he turned the engine off, "Ok. Are you gonna come out and tell me what is bothering you or do I have to drag it out from you?"

Startled over this unpredictable move Brian looked at him, angry, "What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? First you are questioning if I am nervous or not and now you are stopping the car in the middle of the highway!" He stared at Kevin who made no gesture to start the engine, noticing this he continued, "We have to get going. If you haven´t forgot I have a plane to catch!"

"I know," Kevin said slowly, still ignoring the honking cars, "but I ain´t leaving until you start telling me what is bothering you."

'God!' Brian slapped a hand at his forehead. 'Why did Kevin have to be this stubborn?' Glaring at his cousin his mind raised through with all kinds of thoughts. The worst thing was that he knew that Kevin was right. That he wouldn´t move the car until he talked so it was better that he spilled his guts before they got a car in their tail.

"Ok..Ok.." the younger man held up his hands in deffense, "If I say what´s on my mind will you pleeaaaseee start the car and get to the airport?" He was begging now.

"Sure. Talk then." His hand was on the ignition key.

"Do you think I´m being too negative about Nick?"

The words surprised Kevin so much that he turned towards his cousin, " Negative? What do you mean? Is this what Howie told you?" He rose his eyebrows.

"NO!" Now he regretted his words the second he said them. "Forget it."

But the cat was out of the bag and there were no way that Kevin would let something like this slip. Noticing his cousins hawkeyes eyeing him he said with a sigh " Yeah you know...um..what´s going on with him..you know like I can´t face that he is sick and all." Brian had a hard time finding the words and for a moment neither did Kevin. Instead the tall man pondered in silence while taking up the driving again.

"Do you feel guilty for leaving Nick to go home to Leigh-Anne?" Kevin was a man that wasn´t afraid to take a conflict, to tell the truth and these words hit right where they was suppose to. In the heart.

"Um..No." he lied.

"Yeah?" It was clear that Kevin didn´t believe him and now Brian desperatly wished that he hadn´t said anything. 'God why did he have to bring up that subject?' the words chanted inside his head. Why couldn´t he keep his mouth shut and pretend that everything was just fine and dandy and that he was so sure that he´d made the right desicion. Why did he have to screw up like this?

"No..No it´s nothing like that," he was quick in saying before Kevin would start asking even more questions. But the cat was out of the bag with no turning back.

"Then what is it? Why do you think that you are negative about Nick?" Kevin frowned with no intention of dropping the subject.

Sighing the younger man couldn´t do anything but tell his cousin and friend what was on his mind. Knowing the older man he wouldn´t be satisfield before he´d spilled the truth and it was better to end the process than to drag it out endlessly. "It´s just that I don´t know if I´m doing right with leaving Nick in the condition that he is in right now."

Kevin frowned.

His cousin was right after all. He felt guilty and now it felt like he had tons of responsibility on his shoulders that he coudn´t carry anylonger. It felt like he had a ton of weight resting on his shoulders.

A sign told them that they had to take off to the aiport and there were a brief silence while Kevin drove off the highway. Once they were on the right direction he turned his attentíon towards the younger man again, saying in a calm comforting tone, "Brian I know that this whole situation with Nick really hurt you and that you are afraid that something will happend with him while you are gone."

Brian started to object when Kevin rose a hand to stop him, "No..No wait..listen what I have to say." Knowing that there were no point in arguing with a determinded Kevin he gave up relutantly. "Ok."

"You feel guilty for choosing Leigh-Anne and the baby before Nick..that is understandable..but at the same time so wrong. You need to live your life and you can´t let Nick´s cancer get away from your own happiness. Lee needs you and the place you should be is with her." Listening to this Brian felt the urge to object and as Kevin continued, "You are Nicks patient advocate," he cut in, "Yes and I suppose to be with him."

Ignoring this comment the older man went on, "I said you are his patient advocate, but that doesn´t mean that you have to take on all responsibilty. You´ve done everything that you can right now and now it´s up to Nick to handle things. Beside you are needed by Leighs side."

Brian nodded mutely. He was taking in the words that Kevin was saying but he didn´t believe in them. There were still a nagging guilt inside his heart that told him that he was running away from it all instead of dealing with the pain. It was too hard to see his best friend that he had spent 24/7 with the last 10 years dying away. And he felt like a coward for thinking that.

They had either spent too much time together or Kevin was a mind reader since he said to him, "Brian you are not a coward. You are doing what you can due to how the situation is right now and I know that if you could you would stay with Nick. But I also know that you would never let yourself forget if something happend to Leigh-Anne and the baby."

Sighing Brian stared out off the window, mostly so he could hid the tears that burned in his eyes. The older man was right as always and that hurt him even more. TRuth was that he couldn´t bare top hear his wifes disappointed voice everytime he said that he would just stay a little longer. He wanted to be with her so bad, to share the pregnancy but he couldn´t do this while being here in Florida. Everything would have been so much easier if she didn´t have pre-contractions and the doctor had told her to take it slow.

"Brian!" His cousins dark voice cut through his thoughts. "We´re here now. At the airport!"

"Oh!" He jerked once again, feeling stupid for spacing out so bad.

"It´s allright," Kevin smiled gently at him, patting him comforting on the shoulder, "It´s just that you were deep in thoughts and we have to get going so you won´t miss your flight." His hand was on the doorhandle when Brian suddenly stopped him.

"Kevin?"

"Um?"

"Do you think I am doing the right thing? Tell me honestly?" His voice was filled with desperation, begging his cousin to say what he needed to hear. Begging him to take away some of the guilt that he felt.

"You know Brian," Kevin said in that southern Kentucky drawl, "you shouldn´t worry so much. I´m sure Nicky will be fine. He has his family here..he has us. And we promise that we will look after him." Their was a brief chuckle, "besides he is just a couple of hours away if you want to come and visit him."

Kevin had done it again. Taken off some of his burden, made him feel at ease. With that in his mind he said, "Yeah I´ll guess your right. He will be just fine. You guys take good care of him.."

"We will!" Kevin chuckled. "Come on lets go now. You´re getting late."

"Wait," Brian had something more on his mind, "there is something more.."

"Ok..spill it." The older man was already half way out of the door with his foot. On the run.

"Just tell him that I..that I love him."

There were a brief silence before Kevin turned to look at him, his eyes glassy, "You know Brian..he already knows that."

This made Brian smile for the first time in a very long time.

"Very good Dr. Mr Carter has been asleep most of the time. Only woke up a couple of times to cough but then fell asleep immediatly."

"That is good news," she smiled at the young nurse and then added, "You can go now Mary. I will tend to him." With that the nurse finsihed checking his IV and the left the room hastily. Once she was alone in the room she walked up to the bed, watching her patient snoring away. He looked so peaceful where he laid that she felt almost bad for having to wake him up.

Nick was covered from head to toe under his cover and he was sleeping on his side with the sheet drawn as far up as possible. Pulling the sheet aside she felt a sting of affection, watching the pale, vanurable man infront of her. Cancer had a way of making its victim look sick and haggard, almost lifeless, but even bald and white as a sheet he was still handsome and she was sure that both of her teenage daughters could do anything to go on a date with him. Smiling at that thought she called out "Goodmorning Nick."

A soft grunt but no signs of waking up.

He´d been through so much these past weeks and it was almost a miracle that he´d pulled through in the way that he did. The tubes taht had been attatched to him for several days, making him breath better, had been taken off and his condition seemed to improve so much that he was stable for the time being. The lungs had cleared out pretty good and they were healed in a miraculary way, almost like someone was out there watching for him. Making sure that he would be allright. She knew that he had really been through the wringer while having the surgery and the surgent in charge had told her that they had been so afraid that they had lost their patient when his heart suddenly started to beat again. Dr Andersen wasn´t religious but it was at these times she felt that there were something out there to protect them.

The reason for her to come to check on her patient wasn´t purely beacuse she wanted to see how he was doing, no his improved condition with his lungs lead her go back to the main purpose with the hospital stay. His cancer.

She was going to run more tests to rule out any new tumours, especially in the chest area since his lungs had taken such a beat recently. And if the tests were negative or as good as could be expected from someone with a stage 4 Hodgkins disease, she wanted him to go back to chemoteraphy treatment again. This was something that she knew he wouldn´t be infor willingly and even if she knew that it was best for him she couldn´t blame him either. The treatment had made him very sick and this was also the reason why she wasn´t administring the bone marrow tests. Before he could have a bone marrow transplantation, if they found a match, they would have to give him a treatment that took down his own t-cells and his immune system would be severly affected. And this was not something that Mr Carter could afford right now.

When her patient showed no signs of waking up she shook him slightly on his shoulder. There were a vague grunt and he mumbled, "No mooom.. please let me sleep."

A smile crossed her face upon hearing these words. He thought he was back home and she was going to give him another shake when he mumbled, "No practice..please. I don´t feel good"

She felt a sting of sadness, thinking that this man, almost a boy, infront of her had a very rough life behind him. His life had lots of success but there were also other things behind that she could feel a glimpse of every now and then. The guys in the group had been very supportive for him and honestly she didn´t know how her patient had been if it wasn´t for them. Nicks father was there too, as was his mother but that wasn´t the same. He´d never talked about it but she sensed that his parents, especially his mother, hadn´t been there for him when he´d needed them the most. She heard of the conflict that Nick had with his mom and to tell the truth she wasn´t surprised. Jane Carter had prooved to be a hard woman to deal with and these past three days that she´d been at the hospital she had started to boss the nurses around like they were her personel. She had also demanded a office with an access to an telephone and computer while she was spending the time in the hospital, claiming that she had a business to run and that Aaron, Nicks little brother, had to be reachable all the time.

This had upset the rest off the staff, but Dr Andersen had met her demands. Nick needed his family, especially his little brother by his side, and if this was what it took to get the Carters together she was more than willing to help out. As if this wasn´t enough she´d overeheard a conversation with Nicks dad about having her son getting transferred to LA to a specialists that was very famous in Hollywood. Bob had objected but Mrs Carter had showed no signs of understanding.

Even if the older woman had upset, and would continue upsetting a great deal of people in her way of handing things Dr Andersen still knew that there were so many emotions inside his mother that she knew was too hard to deal with. And this was the result of that conflict. She would talk to the older woman as soon as she felt fit to do so, but for the time being she was doing her best to keep the nurses on a speaking level with Mrs Carter as well as protecting her patient from having to deal with the commotion around him. Nick needed strenght and not having to be upset over how his mother was acting.

Just when she was about to give up hope to wake up her patient, there were a slight move and she could hear a groan as he peaked up from underneath the sheet. "Oh," he said hoarsly after blinking several times to her. "I thought it was mom." He swallowed hard like his throat hurt. "I´m sorry."

"That´s Ok." She smiled gently to him, "It was just a dream."

He nodded, "Yeah I dreamt that I was going to the Disney club." He grinned and she felt all warm in her body. Her patient laughing or smiling was very rare these days even if she knew that he had lots of humour and loved to goof around. "You know I had to go to alot of practices when I was a kid and I thought it was just another one of those. I remember one time when I had to go while my friends were out there playing B'ball. And my mom got so upset that she litterary glued the mic to my hand so I wouldn´t forgot to sing." He chuckled at the memory while she felt nothing but sadness. 'Poor kid,' she thought, 'his life hadn't been easy.'

She wanted him to tell her more when he suddenly grew serious. "Are they here?"

"Who?" He surprised her with his sudden change in tone and topic.

"Mom and Dad? Aaron? The guys?" He looked at her with a mixture of hope and despair.

"No," she swallowed as she saw the dissappointment in his eyes that he was doing his best to hide. "They are at your home. You want me to call for them?"

"No." His answer was fast, almost like he cut himself with a knife. Noticing her expression he added quickly. "That´s Ok. They need their sleep, besides I´m sure that they will come to see me later on." He smiled to her but the smile didn´t reach his eyes.

"Yes," the doctor said slowly, "Yes I´m sure that they will." There were something so vanurable over her young patient that made her heart ache in a non professional way. For a moment she felt like she was his mother and he was her son. Gently she stroke him over his forehead and as she touched his head he shrugged back like he´d been burned by a ciggarett. She knew it wasn´t that she was touching him it was more the cruel reality that the thick blonde hair he had when she first met him was shredded now leaving him bald. And this made her heart ache just as much as it hurt him.

Quickly she was back in her professional role again and as to stop herself from feeling she poured him fresh glass of water. "Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?"

"Mmm.." He took the glass with a shakily hand before taking a large sip.

"Nurse Mary told me that you slept well last night."

He nodded, still engossed in drinking his water. She knew it was just an escape from having to talk.

"She also said that your temperature had gone down and that your lungs are much clearer with the fluid." Smiling to him she added, "Your lungs have really healed fast. And that is great news." She was doing her best to keep up with the conversation that was starting to fail miserably. "So how are you feeling today then?"

"I don´t know."

Frowning over his answer she went into "doctors mood." "What is wrong? Do you hurt?" She was ready to start examine him when he looked at her.

"I said I dont know. You asked me how I was feeling today while it´s just morning and I don´t know how I would be feeling after lunch." His voice was flat and she could sense that he was a bit depressed.

"Huh?" The patient infront of her could be hard to understand sometimes, especially when he spoke in riddles.

As if he knew how confused he was making his doctor he added, "Probably shitty."

"What?"

"I said I probably feel shitty today. Like all other days. What else can I feel being stuck here in bed?" His mood was gloomy.

´ Part of this act was due to that she come to realize that he wasn´t much of a morning person but there were something more too, something that she couldn´t put her finger on and it bugged her.

"Nick I.." she started when he interrupted her.

"Your here to do the tests, ain´t you? For the chemo?" Staring at her he felt like she was being transparent.

"No..I..Nick.." For a moment she didn´t know what to say as he had surprised her so greatly. His attitude was cold and hard. Her mind was going in overdrive as she sought the right words to say. "Yes we need to do some tests and.."

There were a loud groan.

"I know that you are against them but we need to preform some tests, which is good since your condition is so much more stable now. We need to find out what was causing that collapse of the lung and we need to make sure that there are not any more tumours."

He glared at her, "And what does this mean? More chemo?" His voice was calm but she sensed the outburst of feeling that was underneath the calm surface.

"Well you know.." His eyes stared a hole into her and her voice wavered and she couldn´t keep him from the truth anylonger. "Yes..we need to give you more chemoteraphy treatment and.." There were no time to prepare herself for the outburst that were about to come.

" NOOOO!!!" he screamed, suddenly getting lots of strength. "I don´t need any more fucking tests or chemo teraphy that makes me sick!!!"

She did his best to calm him down but he waved her hands away, "Don´t touch me," he hissed and for a moment she thought if she would call for backup but decided against it. After all she could deal with this sick and weak patient alone, couldn´t she?

"Nick you need to calm down. Its no good for you being this worked up," she soothed him gently only to get a snort and a glare back.

"I thought I told you that I didn´t want any more freaking tests preform on me. No more chemoteraphy either."

Her heart pounded in her chest as she said, "Nick I know that you don´t want to do this. But this is for your own good." An displeased grunt was heard. "We need to make sure that the cancer don´t spread through out the body and the only way we can do this is with chemoteraphy."

His only response to her speech was to turn his head away, staring silently into the wall.

Mentally she cussed herself for her own feelings taking over. After all she was his doctor in charge and she was the one responsibilty for the treatments that he was going to recive. Like in autopilot she started to tell him about the good with treatment but when she noticed that he seemed unintrested in what she had to say she asked, "Nick are you listening to anything that I have told you?"

Still no answering.

Her patientce was starting to lack and her gut told her that she wasn´t coming much further with her stubborn patient. Truth was that Nick needed the chemo treatment now or else the tumours could be spread through out his body and if that happend there were no more that could be done. If the tests came back negative there were still a chance that he could surivive, if not or if he refused treatment there were not much that she could do. And she wasn´t a quitter. She was the one that would fight to the bitter end for her patient, that if he was willing to accept her.

When there were no more words left to say to make him change his mind she had to bit back the frustration that she felt. In the beginning of her relation with Mr Carter she sensed that this wouldn´t be an easy case to work with and now she knew that her intuition had been right. But not in the way she´d expected. The young man was much too stubborn for his own good.

Standing up she decided to leave him alone for now and go back and talk to him later when she caught a sight of his face. There were tears staining his cheeks and she couldn´t help but feel helpless. Making one more attempt to make him change his mind she asked, "Nick this is not what we talked about earlier, before your lung collappsed. Then you were even ready to do a Bone Marrow test." She looked at him, "What made you change your mind? "

His voice was thick with emotions and tears as he mumbled silently, "That was then. Before this"

This whole riddle was starting to get on her nerves and she was doing her best to remain calm and balanced. After all she was a grown woman and yelling was out of the question. "What do you mean?" Her voice was soft and calm but inside she was nothing but that. "What happend?"

As if her question had trigged something inside him he turned his head, staring at her with tears in his eyes. The words that followed burned into her soul.

"That was all before...before I died!"

The doctor’s face softened as she looked down at her young patient. Her heart ached for the young man that reminded her in so many ways of her own son. Her mind was reeling with the words that Nick had uttered moments ago. ’Before I died....’

“Oh Nickolas.....,” the doctor sighed as she settled back down into the chair next to the bed. For all of the years of experience as an Oncologist, the words that Nick had spoken left her speechless.

“I’ve made my mind up.”

Dr. Andersen shook her head. “Just like that? You’re giving up?”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Giving up? No, it’s more like ending a stupid game thats going nowhere with no chance of winning.”

“You can’t win anything if you don’t even try.” She waited for a reply from Nick only to be met with silence and a look of exhaustion from her patient. “Nickolas, I realize this has been hard on you.....”

“Hard on me? How could you even possibly know what this shit feels like? I’m feeling sick to my stomach all the time, not being able to eat because things taste like someone dumped a whole shaker of salt on it or even worse - like metal? Losing my hair in handfuls or being so weak I couldn’t even wipe my own ass!”

“I meant what I said sympathetically and you know that,” Dr. Andersen snapped; upon seeing Nick flinch when she spoke, she immediately regretted her tone. “I’m sorry I spoke that way to you, but don’t you realize that all of the efforts that you’ve done up to this point would be a waste of time?”

“I’m sorry it has but I think what happened to me was for a reason and it’s become much clearer to me than ever since I died....”

Dr. Andersen paled at Nick’s words. “Please don’t say that, you can fight this and you know it, don’t give up.”

Nick locked eyes with Dr. Andersen’s. “My mind’s made up.”

The older woman stood up and softly rubbed Nick’s shoulder. “I’ll be back later after you’ve had some time to really think about this.”

Nick watched as his doctor left the room. ’My mind’s made up,’ he whispered as the woman slipped out of view.

Aaron swallowed hard as he peered into the hall window that looked upon his brother’s ICU room. Initially he was thankful that Nick was sleeping but at the same time a part of him was filled with regret that he wasn’t awake.

After a few tense moments of debate, Aaron slowly made his way into the hospital room, setting himself quietly onto a chair in the corner of the room.

He glanced over at Nick, not certain if it was really Nick that was sleeping in the bed; hoping that maybe he had been mistaken about which ICU room he was in. In his head he tried to rationalize that maybe he had made a mistake, there was no way that this could be his brother - the person that lied in this room was much too thin and fragile looking. Aaron looked down at his own hands trying to summon the courage to leave quickly and find out if he had made a mistake and was in the wrong room.

“Hey squirt.”

Aaron’s head jerked up. “Did you say something?”

A small smirk playfully tugged at Nick’s mouth. “Is anyone else in here?”

“No, I came by myself...” Aaron stopped in midsentance when Nick laughed softly. The young teen felt the hair on his arms prickle when he heard his brother’s attempts at laughter. This was in no way sounding like the Nick Carter he knew.

Nick softly patted the empty spot on his bed. “C’mere AC.”

Aaron didn’t move, content to stay in the ‘safety’ of the corner chair.

“Y’all know I’m not contageous, don’t cha?” Nick murmured calmly.

Aaron nodded, quickly pushing the strands of his blonde hair out of his eyes.

Nick studied his brother for a moment, his heart aching, he knew that he was making him feel uncomfortable. He decided to try and make conversation to ease the tension. “Who brought you here?”

Aaron shrugged his shoulders in reply. He was afraid if he opened his mouth to speak, he would start crying.

Nick chuckled slightly. “You don’t know who brought you here?”

“Kevin did,” the young blonde mumbled after a few moments.

After several minutes of listening to the various monitors and watching Aaron do everything possible to avoid looking up, Nick sighed.

“Can we talk about this?”

“About what?”

“You know I’m not gonna die on you here, why are you acting like you’re freaking out? I’m still the same, um, well not the same, but I’m still Nick you know. I know I don’t look the same, but you know what I mean, don’t you?”

“I know.”

“Please, talk to me Aaron, tell me whats going on in your head.”

Aaron could only shrug his shoulders again in reply.

“Would you stop with the shoulders thing? Do I have to get out of bed or something?”

“No,” came the reply along with another shrug of the shoulders.

Grabbing onto the blankets, Nick hap-hazardly tossed the covers aside, Aaron’s eyes widened in horror.

“Nick what are you doing?” he yelped as he caught a glimpse of the thin, pasty white legs that belonged to his brother.

“I’m gonna get out of bed.”

“No....please....you can’t do that,” Aaron pleaded.

With stubborn determination etched on his face, Nick raised himself to a slight sitting position, instantly regretting the movement when a wave of dizziness washed over him. “Oh yes I can,” he stated through gritted teeth.

Aaron stood up quickly and rushed over to his brother’s side. “Please, just lay back down, okay? I’ll talk.....just lay down.”

“Mr. Carter! What on earth are you doing?” a nurse questioned as she rushed into the room.

“Just gonna sit up,” Nick sheepishly replied.

The woman firmly pressed her hand on Nick’s shoulder, guiding him back toward the bed. “Not on my shift. You had your monitors going crazy and for a moment I was worried that something was wrong but now I see it was only your male pride that was going haywire.”

Nick gritted his teeth as the nurse drew the blankets up toward his chest. “I’m getting tired of being treated like an invalid. I can sit up,” he weakly protested.

“You can sit up when Dr. Andersen says you’re good and ready to sit up, until then don’t pull anymore stunts like that, you could have fallen out of bed and God only knows what could have happened.”

“Nothing would have happened,” Nick defended.

“You could have broken a hip,” the nurse replied.

“A hip?” Nick snorted. “That only happens to old people, I’m twenty-three not eighty-three!”

“Twenty-three on chemotherapy,” the nurse corrected. “Chemotheraphy weakens bone mass and believe it or not Nick, you can break something very easily.”

Aaron could only listen quietly to the nurse lecture Nick and watch as his usually outspoken brother laid quiet; embarrassment was evident by the red blush that stained his cheeks.

“Is there anything you need before I go back to the nurse’s station?”

“No thanks,” Nick softly replied. He watched the nurse leave the room before he picked up on the conversation he was trying to have with Aaron. “So do you want to tell me what’s bugging you?”

“I don’t wanna to talk about it...”

Nick rolled his eyes in exasperation. “For crying out loud AC, you’re wearing me out with your ’I don’t wanna talk about it’ attitude. Spill it!”

“Hey guys are you having a good brother-to-brother talk?” Kevin questioned as he walked into the room.

Nick shot a tired look at his bandmate. “We were trying to have a good talk but Aaron doesn’t seem to want to say too much.”

Kevin messed up the young teen’s hair - a gesture that Kevin had done to Nick so many times and Nick had done to his brother; he wished that he could jump out of bed and do that same thing to Aaron right now.

“Well you know he’s probably still tired from the flight and the time difference,” Kevin apologized for the teen.

“Oh for chrissake Kev, it’s only a three hour difference,” Nick muttered.

“I’m sorry but you need to leave for a little bit, Mr. Carter has to get his medication started,” a nurse announced as she entered the room.

Nick shot a look at the woman. “Clara? Medication? I already talked to Dr. Andersen about that.”

“Your chart says medication at 10:30 am and it’s 10:30....”

Nick folded his arms across his chest in a defiant gesture. “Better check the chart again.”

“What are you talking about Nick? She said you have to get your meds at 10:30,” Kevin questioned.

“Just nevermind Clara, I think she’s looking at someone elses chart, right?”

“I’m gonna humor you and go back and check your chart again.”

Kevin and Aaron exchanged glances as the nurse left the room. Clearing his throat, the older man studied Nick for a moment. “Okay kiddo, what’s going on?”

“Nothin, I think she got stuff screwed up or something,” Nick lied as he adjusted the blankets on his chest. “Um, if you guys don’t mind, I’m gonna close my eyes and rest, I’m starting to feel a little tired.”

“You just woke up like a half hour ago Nick,” Aaron stated; worry evident in his voice.

”Nick! Stop avoiding my question, what’s going on?” Kevin demanded quietly.

“Mr. Carter,” Clara called out as she re-entered the room, chart in hand. “It clearly states that you are supposed to be starting up with your chemo at 10:30 this morning, Dr. Andersen’s orders.”

“And I told Dr. Andersen I was stopping it,” Nick replied icily.

“I will have to get a signature from Mr. Littrell then,” Clara stated nervously.

“He’s not here,” Kevin offered.

“I can sign.......just bring the form over here,” Nick replied.

”Nick you can’t do this! Please let them give you the stuff you need! I need you!” Aaron pleaded, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

Nick ran a hand over his face in a defeated gesture. “AC, I’m sorry but I just can’t do this anymore, it makes me sick.”

“Please.......you don’t understand Nick, I need you to get better,” Aaron whimpered.

“We’ve been over this a million times Nick, you know you have to do this,” Kevin agreed.

Nick shook his head from side to side. “I can’t.”

“But you have to,” Kevin replied desperately.

Nick looked tearfully at Aaron and Kevin. “You guys just don’t understand....I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.”

Neither Kevin nor Aaron were very talkative and the blond spent most of his time staring out the window looking like he was lost in his own world. Kevin couldn´t stop thinking how much Aaron looked and acted like a young copy of his older brother. He had that same spaced-out expression as he had seen in Nick so many times in the past. But that was about all that was similiar with the two brothers. If Nick was a joker, never having long to a smile, Aaron was a more serious character. He had come into the business early, practically grew up in the industry, and that had formed his mentality so that at age 14 he was more of a businessman than his older brother could ever be. He also had a much more serious approach to things and there were times when Kevin wondered who was the oldest of the two brothers, Nick or Aaron? This was especially true when they were at a live interview.

Even though Aaron had practically lived with the guys in the younger days, Kevin had never got to know the kid very well. This could be because of the age difference but also because Aaron had a tendency to draw towards Brian and AJ instead who he often called his big bro´s. To Nick it was different, there was Kevin still his older brother and there were numbers of times when the older man had also served as a parental subsititute. Sometimes he wondered if he´d been too young to take on that kind of responsibility and how the situation would have looked if he had never joined the guys. But then he often came to the conclusion that he would probably work at some factory or something similiar..maybe being a high school coach, and thinking about this he decided that he could thank God for everything that he had been through.

Kevin sighed. There was a traffic jam coming up ahead of them. It was aired on the radio that they were clearing re-directing all traffic due to an accident further down on the highway.

"Did you hear that?" he asked in an attempt to make conversation as he turned up the volume.

"What?" The teen seemed so lost in his own world that Kevin felt bad for disturbing him.

"There is a traffic jam. There’s been an accident."

"Oh..Ok." The blonde showed no visible signs of wanting to talk and when he turned his head against the window looking out again Kevin decided that it was better that he was left alone. Instead his own thoughts trailed back to the hospital visit and the conversation they had there. He had spent the better part of the visit trying to convince a stubborn Nick that he had to continue with his treatment and that there was still hope with a bone marrow transplant.

Nick´s famous stubborness won. Again. This he had showed many times in the past. One time back in Asia in the early days when they were flying home from Singapore Nick had refused to board a plane due to bad weather. They had all become very upset since for once the management had allowed them to travel business class and they were looking forward a nice and relaxing flight back home. But the kid had simply refused. Instead they had been stuck for more than twenty hours at a small airport where the airconditioning was broken. Then they had to travel a full packed coach and once they arrived on American soil they were so jet lagged and tired that they had to sleep for practically an entire week. Not to mention how pissed they all were at Nick who had talked them into staying.

Sometimes it was like only miracles could change a Carter’s mind.

A drawn out sigh was heard from the passanger seat and Kevin turned his head just in time to see Aaron wipe a tear quickly away with the back of his hand. The teen looked so forelorn and Kevin was on the verge of giving him a comforting pat on his shoulder when he had to slow down the car or he would hit the one in front of him. He had a pretty good clue what was on the kids mind and once there was an opportunity to talk about it he would take it up in person.

The hope that he felt for Nick’s recovery was quickly diminishing. Especially after his friend had made clear to them that there was no use in trying to make his change his mind. He had told them that he had decided to stop the treatments since he didn´t want to live his last years, months or maybe even weeks that sick. He wanted to go back home to his house and spend his time there instead of being stuck in a hospital, being too weak to talk or do anything else.

Anger as well as sadness had dwelled up inside Kevin upon hearing these words. When he had asked Nick how he could say something like this when there was still a chance that the treatment would work his friend had looked at him sternly and then added in a calm tone, "I know what I am doing. This is for the best." When the older man had refused to listen, saying that he was just talking a bunch of crap Nick had said something that he never thought he would hear coming from the man that he had known for so many years. "You know Kev. If God wants me to go, then I am ready. If he wants me to stay a bit longer. I am ready. But I can´t deal with feeling sick all the time. That´s no life!"

With tears in his eyes and an aching heart Kevin didn´t give up. Instead he tried once more to tell Nick that he had to fight when his friend suddenly stopped him with laying a hand on his arm. "Kevin," he said firmly, "I know what I´m doing. I know when to quit. I can´t win this battle any longer..this I useless. I just take up everyone´s time. It’s time to stop this charade since it ain´t getting any better." He looked at them with a sad expression, "You have to trust me on this. Both of you."

The result didn´t wait. The words had Aaron bursting out crying, then running out from the room.

Nick had jerked back when he saw the pain he´d caused his little brother but made no visible signs to follow him. Either he was too weak or he didn’t care. Kevin guessed on the first option. Aaron had always meant the world to Nick and how he could go on talking like this infront of his kid brother was beyond the older mans comprehension.

He hesitated for a moment, not knowing which of the Carter’s that needed the most comfort when Nick’s words had help him make up his decision, "Kev! I´m sorry that I hurt you, but I need you to do me a favor. Can you please go and see how Air is doing. He needs you."

There were so much pain in Nick’s expression that all Kevin could do was to nod mutely before going out to see how the younger Carter was doing. Luckily he found him further down the corridor, by the elevators, visibly upset. "Nick doesn´t love me anymore, why else does he wanna leave us?" the kid sobbed. Kevin hugged him and Aaron who usually tried to act more mature than he was responded for once back by not wanting to let him go, holding tight to his sweater. This was a very unusual event and for a moment he had a deja vu. Memories of Nick hugging him like this at the same age, flashed up infront of his eyes. They had been at a concert and the management wanted them to go straight to another city to do another one. Nick has been so upset since he´d been promised to go back home to see his family and now he had to go on the road again. That time Kevin had found him down in a locker room and he had an long conversation with him. It was one of the first times they talked, but it would certainly not be the last.

After Aaron had calmed down they went back to the hospital room just to be met with a cold attitude. This was very unlike the Nick that they all knew. He´d told them with no emotions that they better leave since he was tired and wanted to sleep. When they had told him that they would come back tomorrow too he had shrugged his shoulders, saying in an uninterested voice, "Whatever," before pulling the blanket up to his chin and turning his head against the wall.

To say that they felt unwelcome would be an understatement.

This whole situation left him with so many mixed feelings. One part of him wanted to tell him, wanted to shake some sense into Nick’s body, telling him that he couldn´t give up, while another part thought that maybe this was for the best. There were nothing worse than watching someone you loved withering away from cancer infront of your eyes.

He´d been down this rocky road before. Last time it was his dad and even if he refused to believe it there were sometimes no other decisions to make. The side effects of the treatments were sometimes too rough and was making that person more sick than the sickness itself. Sometimes it was better to just let go. To stop the pain. The fighting.

He´d seen how much the treatments had hurt his dad. Making him weak and sick, not being able to sit up for more than ten minutes straight. He´d seen how he was one moment well just to spend the next with his head in the toilet, twisting his insides in and out, crying out in pain. He´d seen him withering away and that was not something he could stand see again. It was much too painful.

Cancer was an awful disease. One hour you felt good, the next you were so sick that you were barely conscious. Slowly it took his life away. Piece by piece...There were times when Kevin had wished it all would stop. When his dad would find the peace and comfort that he so desperatly needed. Instead he was being tortured when severe pains held him in a tight grip.

Even so his dad had refused to give up.

The fight continued, day by day. He never let his spirit down even long after the cancer had attacked every part of his body and where morphine was the only drug that could take away the pain. In the end when he´d stopped eating and everybody thought that this was it, he amazed them with still struggling on. He never stopped believing that he would be well again and maybe this was what helped him staying alive. His dad determination of living, not dying.

What Nick wanted Kevin wasn´t so sure over anymore.

He acted like he´d resigned. Resigned to death much too quickly, especially since Dr. Andersen still had faith in his treatments, even after his lung had collapsed and they had been on the verge of loosing him. Forever!

Why his friend was acting like this was beyond his comprehension. He had a small clue why Nick was acting so resentful to all kinds of treatments and he suspected that he had never been good at dealing with emotional pain. He also hated to be in situations that he couldn´t control and when something was tough he tried to deal with it by swallowing it all up, acting like everything was fine and dandy when in reality he was bursting up inside. Ready to explode!

If there were something small going against him he often acted like a spoiled child and there was often someone coming to his rescue. But when it came to situations that were hard to deal with he tried to turn to all kinds of subsititues just to get some kind of control. This could be anything from drugs to just tending to the tv games. Usually he succed, at least for the time being, except for this time.

This time the outcome was so uncertain and no matter how much they wanted to ease his pain there were not much they could do. Kevin suspected that by refusing treatment Nick found his own way out of this situation by trying to control his own faith by giving up. It was pretty morbid but at least then he could control what the outcome could be. Death.

Maybe the reason why Kevin could understand Nick was because he was in a way similiar to him. Just like him Nick was a worrier. Someone that had a tendency to give up much too easily when things were not going his way or in his favor. At the same time he was very stubborn. His often cool, chilled out, laid back attitude was just a phase because in reality he was just bouncing inside.

God how he wished that Brian could be there for him. His cousin always had a way to handle dealing with their younger friend and hopefully he could change the younger man’s thoughts again, onto another path. It would be totally meaningless if the struggle Nick had been through this past year had been all in vain. Especially since there was finally a candle in the darkness, a hope to hold on to when it came to further treatments, and yet he chose to stay in the darkness without even making the effort to light the light. He blew out the hope long before he even start trying...

Even if his friend had never confirmed this Kevin suspected that part of this need to control the situation and everyone around you, like all Carter’s did, came from an underlying fear for failure. This led to that he never had any high thoughts about himself or what he could achive. This combined with very high demands led him often to fail instead of succed and therefore confirm to himself that he was nothing but a failure. This resulted that he got a fear of not succeeding as in the same time he acted like he was punishing himself, making up in his mind that there was no real use in trying since it would all go down the drain anyway. This was one of the contrary things Kevin had a hard time understanding but had come to accept during the last years they had spent together. This self destuctive behavior proved that he lacked more and more self confidence. Self esteem.

"You think we´re gonna be here for long?"

Kevin jumped nearly ten feet as the teen’s voice startled him. He sounded so much like Nick that for a moment he thought that it was his friend sitting next to him. Blinking several times, a bit confused he asked, "Huh? I´m sorry, what were you saying?"

Aaron sighed, visibly annoyed but also fidgeting in the seat like he was nervous. "You think we´re gonna be here for long," he reapeated once more, motioning with his hands to the backed up traffic, "I have things I gotta do."

"Oh..No..No probably not. I think they are clearing it off soon," Kevin smiled towards the teen that looked like a younger copy of his brother.

"Good! I need to make a phone call and I left my cell back at the house." Fidgeting with his hands on the seam of his tee he continued, "Mom wants me to meet this old guy that she thinks would be good to be my new manager. She has booked him in Orlando tonight." Looking down he continued quietly, "I don´t wanna do it."

Startled over this Kevin took in the kid beside him just to notice how heavy and dark the bags were under his eyes and that his pale complexion looked almost ghostly. There was no way that this teen was fit go to a business meeting and he felt sorry for him for having to tend to business while his older brother was battleling sickness in such a gruesome way.

"Can´t you tell Jane that you don´t wanna go?" Kevin asked softly.

Aaron shook his head. "Nah she says its my big break. He is some guy that she met in Nashville and he have told her that he is gonna make me a real big star." There was a deep sigh, "And he is also going to help me promote my upcoming tour."

"And you think you can manage that? I mean touring?"

Aaron fidgeted even more in his seat and it looked like he wanted to be somewhere else than stuck in traffic with his brother’s nosy friend. "Yeah I have to," he whispered and as Kevin was about to ask him something more he turned his head away quickly. Stating that he was done talking.

The older man frowned. This whole situation was starting to take a toll on all of them and Aaron seemed to be affected much more than he would ever let on. Searching for his words Kevin felt compelled to say something comforting to the teen, "You know Aaron if there is something you wanna talk about you can always come to me."

There was no response This was growing much too hard for him and he had become more silent through out the time.

"It´s nothing. I´m fine," the kid snapped back like he´d regretted what he had said earlier on.

This had Kevin smiling inwardly. It was like he was dealing with a young Nick again and he knew that this was not going to be an easy battle to take on. "Ok," he said calmly, "That´s ok little man. I just want you to know that whenever you wanna talk I´ll be here for you." He did his best to reassure the kid that what he was saying was true.

There were no immediate response and as the cars were starting to move Kevin put the car in gear. Just when Kevin had ruled out any opportunity for further conversation the teen surprised him by saying, "Thanks Kev. I´ll do that." With that he turned silent again but the older man felt satisfied. For once in his life he felt that he could be there not just for Nick but for his little brother too.

Kevin was rolling to a stop in the driveway when Aaron shoved the door open and jumped out of the car, running up the front steps to the house.

“Aaron! Come back here!” Kevin yelled after the young blond teen, but it was to no avail. With a sigh, he put the vehicle into park and turned off the engine.

AJ reached into the fridge for a can of Coke when he heard the front door slam shut followed by the sound of someone running up the stairs.

“Aaron? Kev? Who’s there?” He waited for a moment and hear the sound of a bedroom door being slammed upstairs. Setting the unopened can of soda on the counter, AJ started to head up the back staircase to confront whoever it was that bounded upstairs, startled when Kevin appeared in the hall.

“Jesus dude, you gotta stop sneeking up on people,” AJ gasped. “So I’m guessing that was Aaron that just stomped in?”

Kevin rubbed his face in a tired gesture. “Yeah, it was.”

“Didn’t the visit with Nick go well?”

Kevin shook his head sadly. “No it was horrible.”

“Aaron still scared of seeing his brother? I thought he had that hashed out before the little squirt took off to go to the hospital,” AJ wondered outloud.

“He was fine for the most part when I went to the room but Nick wasn’t.”

AJ’s eyes widened. “What’s wrong?”

Kevin leaned against the door frame. “Nick’s giving up doing the chemo and he’s serious this time I’m afraid.”

”HE’S WHAT?!”

“Nick said he’s giving up the fight, something about quitting because he thinks he’s wasting everyone’s time and he’s not going to win.”

”NO FUCKIN’ WAY! THAT SONOFABITCH! GODDAMN THAT KID!” AJ yelled as he scooped his car keys off the kitchen counter. “He’s not gonna give up! Not while there’s still a chance!”

“Aje.....where are you going?”

“To the hosptial to pound some sense into Carter’s thick skull....”

”AJ! NO WAIT A MINUTE!” Kevin yelled as he followed the determined AJ out the garage door. He could only watch as AJ quickly got into the sports car and turned the car around in the drive, speeding off.

Rubbing his temples, Kevin sadly shook his head. “Great thats all we need one stubborn asshole trying to talk sense into another stubborn ass.”

AJ expertly smacked the new pack of Marlboro cigarettes against the palm of his hand as he guided the speeding car up the entrance ramp to US 4. Without missing a beat, he lit the cigarette taking a deliberate deep drag, holding it in his lungs longer than normal as he tried to calm himself down.

“What the fuck!” AJ angrily sighed when the highway traffic came to a standstill. After a few moments of impatiently drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, he revved up the engine of the small sports car and pulled to the side of the highway, driving past the stopped cars.

He had made it to the exit ramp only to be stopped by a Florida State trooper. The tall man had an angry expression on his face as he approached AJ’s sports car. “License and registration and proof of insurance sir.”

“Good afternoon officer,” AJ smiled; cigarette dangling from his lips.

“License and registration sir.”

“Okay....okay,” AJ muttered as he leaned over to retrieve the wanted items from the glovebox and his back pocket. “I need to get to my friend he’s really sick in the hospital and well you probably heard about him....”

The officer took the license and registration from AJ as he continued to babble. “I need your proof of insurance.”

“I don’t have it.. I-I mean I have insurance I just don’t have the papers like I thought I did.....”

“Do you know why I stopped you sir?”

“I told you I need to get to my friend at the hospital, he needs to be talked to......”

The officer gave a blank stare while AJ rambled again. “Stay put.”

AJ watched in the rearview mirror as the trooper walked back to his car. ”Stay put,” he mocked in a low voice.

After a few minutes of watching the traffic slowly inch past his stopped car, AJ lit another cigarette, looking back at the police car in his rearview mirror. “Jesus! What the fuck is he doing?” AJ muttered. He sat up in his seat when the officer finally exited the car.

“Mr. McLean, I’m giving you two citations, I am citing you for careless driving----”

”Careless? I had a good reason for driving on the side of the road!”

“And the other is for fail to produce proof of insurance,” the officer stated in a monotone voice.

AJ snatched the tickets from the policeman’s hand.

“You have two weeks to make payment on the citations and the courthouse number is listed on the citations. Please be mindful when you are driving on Florida Highways Mr. McLean and exercise good judgement.”

“Yeah yeah,” AJ mumbled as he rolled his eyes.

“Have a pleasant afternoon.”

AJ waited until the officer had walked away before he thrusted the car into drive and sped down the off ramp. “Fuckin’ asshole!”

“What are you doing?” he croaked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Just hanging another IV.”

“Of what?”

“Teniposide.”

“Which is?”

“Something Dr. Andersen ordered for you,” she stated quickly as she adjusted the flow into the IV line.

“What is that for?”

The young nurse sighed. “Why so many questions, it’s the med that you’ve been taking for months Mr. Carter, don’t you know what meds you’ve been on?”

“I know the meds I’ve been on that I take myself but not this......what is this for?”

“It’s the chemo that doctor---”

”Stop it now!” Nick stated loudly. ”Stop it or I’ll pull the line!”

“Mr. Carter....you don’t mean that!”

“Read my chart,” Nick replied in a soft voice. “Stop the IV and go read my chart.”

The nurse turned the dial to stop the medication from flowing into the IV line. “I’ll be back in a minute.” As she turned to leave, she ran into AJ in the doorway.

“Easy there sweetheart,” he rasped as he grabbed her shoulders.

“What part of I want to be left alone didn’t anyone understand?” Nick muttered as AJ entered the room.

Grabbing a chair, AJ situated it next to the bed and sat down.

“Jay, I’m really tired and I don’t feel much like company,” Nick said in a quiet voice.

“That’s okay because I’m planning on you just laying there and listening to me.”

“Listen to you talk? I’m really not up to that either,” Nick scoffed.

“Well you’re gonna listen to me I guess since you can’t do anything you’ll have to listen to me.”

“About what? What do you have to say to me that can’t wait? I’m tired and I’m sick and you aren’t listening to me.....just leave okay?”

“I’m not leaving until you hear me out and you change that damn attitude you’ve copped.”

“Attitude? What attitude? I said I’m tired,” Nick lied.

“Cut the crap Carter you know exactly what I’m talking about!”

“I’m not a mind reader AJ.”

The young nurse re-entered the room taking the IV bag off the pole and pulling the line from Nick’s port. She apologized quickly before she left.

“What was that all about?” AJ questioned.

“Just a mix up with the meds,” Nick lied.

“That’s kind of odd for them to do that with your doc and all and I know she’s ontop of everything,” AJ wondered outloud.

“Well sometimes stuff can get mixed up I guess,” Nick added, not willing to offer anymore information.

After a few minutes of tension filled silence, AJ sighed. “Nick, Kevin told me what you have planned.”

“Oh?”

“What can you possibly be thinking?”

“I thought you said Kevin told you what I have planned!” Nick snapped.

“Yeah and?”

“And so you know so I’m done talking. It’s pointless to continue this conversation when I’m tired.”

”Quit the bullshit Nick! You are playing Russian Roulette with your life and you damn well know it!”

“It’s my life AJ!”

“Well you don’t need to throw it away! What is it gonna take to pound that into your thick head?”

“Butt out AJ! Butt out of my life. I’m done with this stupid conversation.”

AJ grabbed Nick’s hospital gown when he jumped up from his chair. ”Listen here pal........I’ve sat by you through all of this since we found out about it and now you’ve suddenly decide that you’re quitting? Do you have any idea how dumb this is? Do you have any idea of how many people you’re letting down?!” AJ shouted.

Nick visibly shrank back at AJ’s actions. “It’s my life and my choice,” Nick defended.

”It may be your life and your choice but if you saw Aaron’s face I think you would think beyond yourself and quit being selfish!”

“Huh?”

AJ released his hold on Nick as he leaned back. “Aaron is crushed. You’re breaking that boys heart giving up. He is so scared Nick and so afraid that he’s losing you. You can’t do that to him, he needs you like you’ll never know. Shit man, you know that he really don’t have much for parents and you’re kinda more like his dad that his brother. He looks up to you and you’re his entire world---”

“Don’t lay that shit on me.....I don’t want to hear that, my mind is made up,” Nick interrupted; eyes glistening with tears.

“You have to listen to me, Aaron is worried sick about you....hell everyone is worried about you....you’ve come all this way to just up and quit everything? Where’s the Nick Carter we know? Where’s Kaos? To just give up isn’t like you Nick. Damn you’re such a damn competitor that I can’t believe you’d just lay down and die. I love you Nick...I always have. This is killing me to see you sick and hurting and as much as I hate to admit it, dying. You need to keep tryin’ I’m not gonna let God take you from me yet, I’ll fight him for you...it’s not your time.”

“Jay I’m tired of being sick all the time.”

“I know you are but just fight it Nicky, you can do this, we need you and you need to be around and get married, be a dad and grow old.”

“I’m tired of fighting a lost cause.”

“Nick you’ve faught harder playing Nintendo goddamn it, you can fight this!”

“Like I told Kevin and AC, my mind is made up....I’m done.”

AJ was quiet for a few moments as his mind frantically raced to come up with something to convince his bandbrother.

“Let me ask you this then Nick.”

“Whatever you have to say to me won’t change my mind.”

“Just hear me out.....what if this was Aaron laying in that hospital bed giving up?”

“It’s not Aaron.”

“Just listen, you remember how pissed you were at me when I was getting shit faced all the time and doing coke? As I recall you were crying on live TV cause you were so upset about me ruining my life.....and you guys told me I had to clean my life up or I would be dead. Hell Nick you punched a freakin wall and broke your hand cause you were so pissed at me thinking I was giving up on myself.”

“I remember and you got the help you needed.”

“Okay now with this cancer, just what if this was Aaron and not you? Would you want him to quit and just leave you? I doubt that I think you’d be in his face telling him to keep on fighting and that’s what Aaron wanted to tell you but you keep pushing him away with your selfishness. Please Nick, just give it one last chance, just try the stuff your doc wants you to do, I think she said this was gonna be a last resort anyway, so you have to at least try.”

Nick stared at AJ for a few moments before he ran a hand across his face as he sighed. “I can stop anytime?”

“After you try what the doctor has planned.”

“But I’m scared about what she wants to do....I read about all the crap that happens when they try to get your body ready for a bone marrow transplant and it freaks the hell out of me. It’s so painful from what they say.”

“Everyone is diffent Nick and you’re pretty tough and we’ll be beside you all the way and I’m sure the doc will be giving you stuff to make it easier on you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“No Nick, you’re giving me an answer now.....I’m not leaving until you say yes. Hell I got a freakin ticket coming over here to pound some sense into your thick skull.”

“You always get tickets that’s nothing new,” Nick softly chuckled.

“Yeah well, you have to say yes or I’ll make you pay the hellacious fine I’m gonna get from this.”

“Alright....alright, I’ll tell Dr. Andersen that I want to start the treatments up again.”

“No more lying Nick......are you telling me the truth?”

“I swear I’ll start the treatments again.”

“Call your nurse in and tell her then,” AJ insisted.

Nick rolled his eyes. “C’mon AJ I just told you I was going to start the treatment just lemme go to sleep now.”

AJ folded his arms across his chest. “Not until you tell your nurse.”

Nick reached around by his pillow for the call button. AJ quickly grabbed the device and placed it into Nick’s hand. Pressing the button, Nick smirked as the call light didn’t go on. “Must be broke....I’ll tell her later when she comes in.”

AJ pressed the button causing the call light signal to come on. “You need to do your treatments. You’re getting so weak you can’t even press a tiny button for help.”

Within seconds, Nick’s nurse appeared. “Can I help you?”

“Go on,” AJ prodded when Nick looked over at him.

“Yeah, um, can you tell Dr. Andersen that I’m gonna start doing the treatments again?”

AJ clamped a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Thank you Kaos,” he whispered with a smile.

Jello!

Never in his life had he liked that stuff and he´d been lucky enough not having to encounter it too many times in the past. Digging into the alien-like substance with his spoon he did his best not to gag. After all this was his first "solid" breakfast in a long time and he should be happy to be off that formula crap that he he´d been fed through the J-tube. He didn´t want to be ungrateful, it was just that when the name breakfast was being mentioned he didn’t invision something as gross as this! Instead he had hoped for a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon or even better - a large bowl of Captain Crunch cereal swimming in a large bowl covered in milk!

Taking a sip of water he rinsed out the vile taste from his mouth. Feeling that there was no way he could eat another bite he pushed the tray aside and pressed on the call button in hopes that someone would come and pick the tray up so it wouldn´t assault his senses anymore.

No one showed up.

They were either occupied with another patient or didn´t give a damn about his situation. Whatever it was they better hurry since there was an even more pressing matter at stake too. He was dying to use the bathroom. Looking at the closed bathroom door across his room he pondered his options. Did he dare get out of bed even though there were strict regulations that he was not allowed under ANY circumstances to go there on his own? Or did he have to wait for someone to come to his aid?

Neither solutions were good because last time he had disobeyed orders he´d ended up on the floor from a fainting spell and in the process got a good reprimand from every nurse in the building as well as his own doctor. Not to mention from the guys. No matter how desperate he was this was not an option, especially since he didn´t like to be treated like a small kid.

Groaning he pressed the call button harder, hoping that someone would show up. He felt very uncomfortable and fidgeted around in bed, trying to find a good position. 'Damn if they didn´t hurry up he would have to use a bedpan,' he thought disgusted as he once more pushed the bed tray out of his reach. Just when he thought he´d be stuck in this hell hole of a bed for the duration of the day the door opened and someone came into the room.

"It´s about time," he snarled, "I thought I was gonna spend the whole day here..rotting."

"Mr. Carter we have other patients to tend to and you have to wait your turn," an unfriendly voice responded.

Shit! Nick bit his lip. It was that nurse from hell that he´d come to dislike so much. His day was not going in a good direction if this kept up.

"Anyway you did call, is there a problem?" she asked before turning off the call button.

"Eh..uh.." her annoyed expression made him stutter and for a moment he reasoned with himself to just bear down and take it if he was really going to ask for the aid that he so desperatly needed. But then he decided that there were no time in being stubborn so instead he said, "I just called for someone to pick this up and I also..,"

Not listening to what he had in mind she interrupted him, "It´s not good for you laying here in the dark." Not waiting his reply she walked briskly towards the window, pulling the curtains aside. "There that´s better," she snickered as a string of sunshine made it into the otherwise dusk room.

Nick watched in silence. He´d never been much of a morning person and hated chipper people in the morning, especially if they pulled the curtains up before he had a chance to object. This was something the guys knew very well and there had been more than one occassion when they had used this to get him up in the morning, only to notice how grouchy he would become.

"Don´t look so grumpy boy," the nurse said with a thick southern accent, "A little sunshine won´t hurt you."

Irritated that she was deciding what he should do he glared in silence back at her. They were all treating him like a small kid and it was starting to get annoying as hell. He was sick and tired of people butting into his life, telling him what he could or couldn´t do. Heck he wasn´t even allowed to go to the bathroom alone anymore and it sucked.

"Can you please take this away," he grumbled, pointing at the tray.

Without a word she walked up to his bed and just when she was about to remove the tray tray she burst out, "Oh My God boy, you haven´t eatin' a thing!"

She was making it like he´d done something wrong or even worse committed a crime.

"Huh?"

"Why, haven´t you eaten anything," she said with a frown, "Something wrong?"

"No," he shook his head. "I´m just not hungry."

"Not hungry?" Her voice was clear and shrill. "But you have barely touched the food. You need to eat or else you won´t keep your strength up." She was lecturing him like he was a little kid.

She was really starting to get on his nerves. "Well I´m done anyway. Now can you kindly take this tray away?"

"You´re sure?"

"Hi Nick!"

A well known woman's voice startled him. Turning his head he noticed it was his doctor that had come to pay him a visit. "Oh Hi," he mumbled before turning back to the video game.

He was loosing. Loosing bad.

"What are you playing?" She had walked up to him, pointing at the small screen.

"Nothing..just a game" He pressed the button once again, making his character pick up another gun. "Counter strike" Inside him there was mixed feelings. He was a bit annoyed that the doctor had snuck up on him when he for once was doing something else besides sleeping or feeling sorry for himself. The other part told him that he wanted to know why she had come for him, cause he could see that she had something on her mind. Another feeling was that he was scared what she was about to tell him since it was usually bad news.

"You´re getting high scores?"

"Nah not really." That was true. He sucked at this game. Before when he was younger this used to be one of his biggest interests but these days, even before the disease, there was so little time to sit down and play.

"My son Jacob has an X-box too..but I don´t think he has that game.." she pointed to the folder.

"Nah I wouldn´t think so..it´s the latest version of Counter strike. Hasn´t hit the market yet. D brought it back for me when he was at this X-box promotion party," he grinned, "like he had some business being there. Anyway I can ask if he can get me another copy..or to some other game next time he goes to a promo party."

She frowned.

"You know to your son. How old is he anyways?"

"Fifteen."

"Oh..just like AC then..my little bro," Nick clarified

"That would be nice, but it´s not necessary"

"No prob." Nick looked up. "D gets around alot."

"Ok" she sat down next to him on the hard plastic chair, "Do you often go to these events?"

"What?" Nick felt a bit confused, then a smile crept up on his face, "Oh you mean promo stuff..yeah some. But not that often nowadays. You know before..when we were famous and all."

"You´re still famous."

"Yeah..yeah..anyway I doubt that anyone would want me at their party now" He laughed sarcastically. "Especially when I look like this. Like hell" He patted at his bald head.

"It´s just hair Nick..besides It´ll grow back as soon as you stop your treatment" She knew it was a weak comfort, yet she felt bad for her young patient laying in front of her.

Nick didn´t seem to listen. "Not that it matters anyway" he rambled on. "I don´t like those parties. It´s so shallow. Everybody is trying to be somebody you know. It´s really hollywwooood." he stretched out his arms to prove his point. "There are plenty of good clubs and free booze and sometimes you get gifts, but the people I can live without. They just make me sick with their talk about unimportant stuff."

Looking at Nick DR Andersen smiled. She doubted that this was something that the young man had thought before. This whole experience had him change his mind about things..and that showed.

"I like more being with fans you know. Never understood why people wanna go to those part..shiiiit, where did that guy come from" With a swift move he shot down another enemy. "There you go" he added with a satisfied grin. "Ok where were I?"

"About those part.."

"Yeah..Yeah," Nick interrupted. "Well, like I said they are kind of boring. The guys usually go. At least D and Jay, sometimes Kev. Me and Rok usually stay out of it. At least those really glamourous ones"

"What do you like then?"

"Just chillin' you know. Hanging around with my friends. Play video games, drink and stuff." He laughed.

"Sounds like my children" she smiled. Pointing at the game controller in his hand she added, "You´re getting pretty good at handling those things. You´ve done this a lot?"

"Yeah I guess." He pressed the button again, making his character change weapons. "I used to play this more often you know..when I was younger. Being on the road all the time could be pretty boring and then I had to have something to do. I played Nintendo. That and Gameboy; sometimes we would have these challenges" There was something dreamy in Nick's eyes as he thought back, "Brian used to beat me..but he was the only one that was better than me. These days I whip his ass though."

"Brian meant a lot to you?" The doctor changed her topic.

"Yeah..yeah he did," Nick chuckled at the memory. "You know back in those days the rest of the guys would say that if Brian jumped off a cliff I would have done the same" He paused for a while, "And you know..it´s true."

DR Andersen smiled, "Is it the same now?"

"That I would jump off a cliff?" Nick joked, "Nah don´t think so. We´re not that close anymore anyways" he turned his attention back to the game like he didn´t want to talk anymore.

Sensing this tension the doctor changed the subject back to the video games. "Was this what you did after the shows?"

"Did what?" Nick looked up a bit confused. "Oh you mean playing the games" He nodded, "Pretty much. There was not much else to do. The guys used to go partying, but I was either too young or too tired so I stayed at the hotel room. Chillin."

"You like that? Chillin?" DR Andersen said with a smile.

"Mmmm..you know everyone thinks I´m this really outgoing guy that want´s to be around a lot of people all the time..but that´s not me..Uh huh." He shook his head. "I like being with people and yeah I don´t spit in a glass either, but mostly I like to take it easy you know. Chillin, relaxing. Just taking it easy."

"Do you ever get a chance to do that?"

"No" Nick shook his head. "Not much..unless you count now. These days I do nothing but chill and sleep" He grinned looking at her. "I think I´m starting to get fed up with that too...Dammit!" Nick cussed out loud as his character was shot in the chest with an AK-47. As if he was suddenly reminded who was sitting next to him he mumbled an apologetical, "Sorry."

"That´s Ok" she smiled. "I know that you can really get into things while playing. Jacob often does, besides I´m the one disturbing you" Standing up she added, "I can come back later."

"Nah..it´s alright" He put down his game controller on the bed beside him and turned off the game. "I´m loosing so bad. Besides I was done anyway"

"You don´t have to do that!"

"No" he shook his head. "I said it was OK. I´m starting to get tired"

There wsa a frown on the doctor's forehead, "You´re often getting tired?

"Mmm..a bit." There it was the questions about his health. It had felt so good for once to talk about anything but his disease but now she reminded him again. Fidgeting with his hand at the remote, he awaited the next question.

And it came.

"Do you feel tired after you have slept too? Nurse Griffin told me that you slept all day yesterday and the night nurse that you slept all night too. Feel better today?"

"I guess" Suddenly he didn´t feel very talkative.

"Good" There was a brief silence while she looked in his journals. "It also says right here that you didn't eat at all yesterday" Looking up she questioned, "Any reason for this?"

'Ok her we go.' Nick sighed. "Noo..I just wasn't hungry..I guess."

"OK," she scribbled something down on a paper. "It also says that you had a fainting episode on your way to the bathroom"

Jeez that nurse was telling shit!

"No..No..I didn´t pass out."

"Oh?" She sounded surprised. "It says here that..."

"That´s wrong!" Nick cut off. "I was just getting a bit dizzy when I stood up. That´s all."

"I´ll make a note." Writing on the paper she added with a doctor's voice, "Have you often experienced this?"

"Experienced what?" Nick was getting much too agitated that the nurse from hell was lying in his journals.

"Dizziness when you stand up?"

"Huh...That! Uh..No," he shook his head, lying. "Nah not that often" There was no way that he was going to tell his doctor that his world often went into a spinning sensation. That could lead to more testing and it was enough with the ones they were doing on him as it was for now.

"You sure?" She doubted his words. "Nick it says here that you had several fainting and dizzy episodes the past days. This is something we can´t take lightly even if I think it can have something to do with light blood pressure and the fact that you haven´t eaten anything solid for a while. You should also try and get up and walk more often."

Nick glared at her.

"Anyway we can´t be too careful so I will be ordering some tests. This is for precaution"

He groaned. More tests? Weren´t the ones he had already done enough?

"Don´t worry" she patted him lightly on his hand. "I´m sure it´s nothing" She wrote on her paper again.

"What are you writing?" Nick stretched his neck to see what she was doing. "Is all that about me?" he asked, pointing at the thick journal in her hands.

"Yes."

"God, I bet the magazines would pay a fortune to get a hold of that" He grinned, trying to laugh up the tensed situation.

"Maybe." The doctor wasn´t fooled that easily. "Are you experiencing anything else besides dizziness?"

"Nah." The word was said a bit too quickly.

"No stomach aches? headaches? Sore throat?"

"A bit of a headache, nothing much?"

"Oh?" she frowned, the pen moving.

"Yeah..You know..the ones you get when you´re a bit stressed out and all.." He shrugged his shoulders to prove his point. "I´m sure it´s nothing."

DR Andersen frowned."No Nick I don´t..what do you mean? What kind of headaches are you getting?" It was clear that she wasn´t taking this information lightly.

"Sort of like Migraines. Nothing big really..I used to get them all the time when I was a kid." He smiled, trying to reassure the doctor that it was nothing to pay attention too. "It sucked while touring but this doctor said I was getting it 'cause of stress. So it´s nothing."

"Nick you let me be the judge of that." Her voice was firm, getting into sudden doctors mood.

He groaned. This could only mean one thing. More tests.

"Anything else? Nausea?"

"No..not unless you count when I eat something as disgusting as Jello" he made a weak attempt at a joke.

"So you don´t like that either?" The doctor smiled. "I agree with you. It can be pretty bad. What do you say if I order you something more solid? You think you can handle that?"

"Sure!" Nick face lit up. "How about Pizza?"

Dr. Andersen laughed, "No Nick..I don´t think so. Not now."

He made his best puppy eyes impression, "Please..Pretty please..just a little taste. Besides I´m sure I will be fine in no time."

"NO."

He sighed. She had said the final word on that issue.

"I will order you creme of wheat. Is that Ok?"

Like he had anything to say on that topic. "Sure..fine." He was back to his sullen self.

After a brief pause when Nick said nothing, just thinking about how much he wanted to leave this hospital DR Andersen broke the silence.

"It says right here that you have decided to continue with the treatment" she motioned with her hand towards the journal. "Is that correct?"

"Mmmm"

"That is some very good news Nick" she smiled at him. "this leaves us with so many more possibilities and once you are back on chemotherapy then..."

He groaned. What was she talking about? More chemo? Didn´t he have enough of that stuff already?

"Nick!" Her voice was suddenly filled with sympathy. "I know that this is very taxing on you, but you need to be strong and.." She had no chance to go on before Nick cut her short.

"No chemo..please..it just makes me sicker.." There was a pleading in his eyes.

Ignoring this the doctor went on. "We are prepared to do everything in our power to help you recover and to help ease the pain. Unfortunately this also means that you will have some unpleasant side effects and.."

He cut her short again. This time a bit agitated. "Ok I´ll get the point. When are you going to give me this? Tomorrow? the day after?" He hoped for the best not wanting her to beat around the bush anymore.

"Nick you have to relax" She tried to calm him down.

"When?" he demanded loudly. Not wanting to hear the answer that was about to come. It was like waiting for terror to set in and there was nothing he could do about it.

"This afternoon" The reply was short.

Her words blew out his light. "This afternoon? No way!" He groaned, tears in his eyes. This was the last thing that he wanted to do. Inside he was screaming. Now he knew how he would spend the upcoming night. With his head in the toilet!

"Nick" her hand was on his, "I know you don´t like it but there isn´t much we can do. We need to stop the cancer from growing and right now this is the only treatment that works."

Biting his lip he felt hot tears prick in his eyes. He wasn´t listening to what she was saying. He had to go for another round again and something told him that this was going to be even more aggressive than before. Even if he thought he had stole himself for this moment it still felt so unrealistic. He would be back to the treatment that made him feel so sick that he just wanted to die.

"We have to lower the counts on the cancer cells. This has to be done before we can try any other possibilities.." She went on to tell him how important it was but Nick wasn´t listening. Instead he was deep in his own terrified world, thinking that he would be feeling so sick again and afraid that he couldn´t co-operate. Now he was in for another round of hell again and all he wanted to do was lash out and cry, yet he tried to stay calm.

She must have sensed that he wasn´t listening cause she said, "I will administer some very strong nausea medication for you tonight. It´ll make you sleepy and hopefully you´ll manage the night. Since it's a new medication we will first see how it settles".

"What do you mean?"

"So there are no allergic reactions. But if everything works out fine then you will receive the chemotherapy, if not we´ll wait for tomorrow."

'Great,' Nick thought miserably, 'he could be in for a treat either way.'

"Nick do you know if there will be anyone coming over to visit you today?" Her question startled him. "Your parents or any of your friends?"

' "No." He shook his head since this was the truth. The guys had said at one point that they were coming but he didn´t know what day it meant. Was it today? Was it tomorrow? No matter what he didn´t know anymore if he wanted to have any visits. He was getting much too tired and getting the anti nausea medication would probably serve to make him even more exhausted. On top of that he didn´t want the guys to be with him when he had his head in a plastic bowl. "Don´t know..Don´t care," he muttered as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. "Maybe." He shrugged to prove his point.

"Aww Nick" she squeezed his hand in a comforting gesture. "Everything will be fine. Trust me...You will make it!"

"You think so?" He wanted so badly to believe her, yet there was this nagging voice deep inside that told him that it would all go to hell. What hurt him the most was that there was nothing he could do about the whole situation either. The cancer, the treatment had to run it´s course and he knew that the only thing he could do was concentrate and pray for survival. Everything else was a lost cause.

"Nick there is something I would like to talk to you about. There are other treatments.."

"Oh?" He awaited for the worst to be said.

"Bone Marrow Transplantation."

"Your blood tests have come back," she explained briefly, "They show a low count of white blood cells and we´re getting a bit concerned over this." Her tone was serious, "When you do chemotherapy treatments like this there is a small risk of getting a form of Leukemia. Especially while being treated with Non Hodgkin's disease and we..."

"Leukemia! What the hell are you saying?" Nick lashed out unnaturally loud. "Do I have that shit now too?"

"No Nick..No calm down." She held her hand against his chest so that he would relax. "Right now it´s nothing that would point to that, yet there is a risk, a small risk I might add, that if we don´t continue with further treatments that this can happen. We also want to eliminate further risks for the cancer to spread to other vital organs through the lymphatic system" She paused before saying, "This is the reason why we´re considering a bone marrow transplantation this time."

Nick could hear himself moan. Why oh why did he have to be the one that every bad thing would happen too? No matter what he said or did life would always come up and bite him in the ass.

"What do you know about bone marrow transplantation?" The doctor's voice jerked him back to reality

"Not much," he mumbled, staring down at his hands. The little he knew came from a TV documentary he´d watched ages ago when he was home sick with the stomach flu. The rest of the guys were in New York, doing TV on MTV's TRL while his sorry ass had gotten the most violent flu that was known to mankind and had to spend his time at home, zapping through channels. Then after finally getting a bit better and being totally bored out of his skull after having to watch all the soaps and day time talk shows, he turned to the Discovery channel. Just to notice that it was a medical documentary about cancer. At first he had thought it was gross then interesting and then gross again when they had showed this bone marrow test with a needle that looked about 6 feet long!

After a while it had gotten so disgusting that he had to turn the program off or he would have redecorated the upholstery on the sofa. To that he didn´t think his mom would have been too pleased. Another place where he found out about bone marrow transplantation was on the net. What he´d found hadn´t looked too tempting. It was actually kind of nasty.

Sensing her patients fear she smiled. "You know Nick, The procedure itself isn´t all that painful. But I won´t hide the fact that there might be some discomfort with this kind of treatment too. Your immune system gets very run down and this can cause you to feel sick.." She didn´t have to end the sentence before Nick filled in.

"Like what? Sickness? Weakness?" He groaned inwardly. When would he ever be able to face the world feeling fine again? Possibly never?"

"Yes, that can occur." There was a hint of sadness in her eyes as she continued, "Even so Nick I think you should go on with this treatment since it might be your only chance at a remission."

The words hit him hard in the chest, making his throat constrict. Never had that subject been touched in this way before. She´d actually told him that this was his only chance for survival. He had suspected this bit now when it came to reality all he felt was fright. Maybe it had been better to quit. To give it all up and not live in a situation like this when he didn´t know if he would make it or not. Maybe this was the same feeling that had almost driven him to stop the treatment all for once and then hope for the best and that he would survive in the end?

She smiled softly to him. "I know that it can be scary but I think that you are very brave man and I think that you will manage this."

He said nothing in response.

Not waiting for him to say anything further she told him. "Nick I would like to tell you about this treatment if you don´t mind."

He nodded. "Go ahead."

"There are different ways of doing a Bone Marrow Transplantation. First you have to do a bone marrow biopsy. It's a small procedure..." We stick a needle into your spine, drawing out some bone marrow tissue. Afterwards we take it to a lab to examine how good a chance you have to a recovery judging from the result." Noticing the young man's scared _expression she added, "It´s done very quickly. Some say it doesn´t hurt. It´s more of a discomfort.

"Yeah I´ve read about it on the net!" He shivered.

"Yes? And what did you read?" Her tone was soft.

"It says it hurts like a mother fu..I mean really bad" He stopped himself. "One man even described it like he felt like his spinal cord was being ripped out! Ouch"

Dr. Andersen smiled briefly. "No Nick, it´s not that bad. I won´t tell you that it´s pleasant. That would be lying to you, but like I said before it´s done quickly and.."

"Can´t you do that while I sleep? Under anesthesia you know." He knew he sounded whiny yet he didn´t care. This was his only hope.

"No, you have to be awake for this procedure, but if you want you can have someone by your side. A friend or a relative that holds your hand while the procedure is being done. That sometimes helps.

Somebody at his side? Who? A woman? But when he didn´t have a woman who would that be then? And did she think he was really such a baby? The questions were many and he was about to open his mouth to object when a thought suddenly struck his mind. Maybe it wouldn´t be so bad if he had someone there. One of the guys perhaps. Brian? Nah he dismissed the thought quickly, after all he was with his wife. And he felt much too stupid to ask one of the other guys. "Nah that´s Ok. I´m fine." He smiled weakly.

"You know Nick, it´s not childish or immature to want to have someone by your side when you´re hurting" She looked at him calmly. "That person can help you calm down. Relax."

Nick shrugged. He didn´t have anyone to ask anyway. "I´ll handle it."

"I´m sure you will. But I still think you should reconsider the possibilities of someone being at your side. It´s not such a bad idea."

"Whatever." He pretended to be relaxed, uninterested when in reality, he was so nervous that he felt like his stomach was filled with butterflies. Maybe he could talk to one of the guys afterall...

"Nick you´ll be fine You have been through so many hard things this last year and this bone marrow test is nothing compared to that."

"But I hate needles." There now he was starting to sound like a baby too.

Ignoring that last comment the doctor went on, "Once we´ve found the results of the tests we can decide what bone marrow transplantation is the best for you."

"I thought there was only one.."

"No", Dr. Andersen shook her head, "actually there are three ways to do a Bone Marrow Transplantation and it all depends on a lot of things. How good the bone marrow is or what the patients condition is. There is one that is called an Autologous bone marrow transplantation. This is when we take bone marrow from your body and then freeze it down for further use. We treat the cancer cells with drugs to kill them off and meanwhile you get a higher dose of chemotherapy..."

"Oh swell" Nick interrupted from his bed. "Even more chemo!"

Ignoring this last comment the doctor continued, "As I said earlier you will get a high dose of chemotherapy so all damaged bone marrow cells will be destroyed so.."

"Doesn´t this mean that I have all my good bone marrow cells being destroyed too? Not just the cancer ones?"

"Yes Nick" she sighed. "And as a result this means that your white blood counts will drop and your immune system will be very low." Noticing her patient frown she quickly added, "But this is just temporary"

"Is this why I can get so sick?"

Nodding Dr. Andersen said, "Yes but everyone responds differently to the treatment and maybe you´re lucky not to have that many side effects."

"I doubt that" Nick mumbled with a sigh.

"I know that this is effecting you very much but can I please go on and explain about the treatments? So you know what options you have" Dr. Andersen was talking as softly as possible, feeling sorry for her young patient.

"Sure," Nick muttered quietly, "What other options do I have anyway?"

"After we have treated your bone marrow in the lab we will inject it back to your body through a needle in your vein and with that we can replace the bone marrow that was destroyed by the cancer."

"Great..even more needles."

Ignoring this last comment the doctor went on with her explanation. "There is also another type of transplantation that I´m sure you have heard of before. It´s when you need a matching donor for your bone marrow and your sick bone marrow is replaced with a fresh and healthy one. Usually from a close relative, like someone in your family. This is called Allogenic Bone Marrow transplantation and ...

"And it´s something I´ll never do" Nick stated quickly.

"Really?" The doctor was taking her young patients words with a light touch.

"Yeah because I don´t want anyone else to go through the same shit as I´m doing right now. You know the needles and stuff." He shivered. "Besides that first treatment sounds good enough for me."

"Nick I wish that I could tell you that it was ok but that is not up to you to decide. We have to do the treatment that is best for you and where you have the best chance of going into remission."

"Yeah?" Nick said sternly, "And if I refuse?"

There was a loud sigh, "Then I can´t guarantee that you get the best of help." She had just been waiting for this to happen. For her young charge to back out of it all.

"That doesn´t matter." He looked sternly at her. "Don´t worry I´ll do this shit but it´s my call what kind of treatment that I´m gonna do. You either to the first stuff or I´m out of here. After all it´s my bone marrow isn´t it?" Nick sounded very hostile all at once.

"Yes, Yes." Dr. Andersen did her best to calm her agitated patient down, once again. "I´m just telling you about what options you have."

"Ok that is cool, but wait.." Nick stopped for a moment, "You said there was a third option too. Didn´t you?"

"I will come to that but first I need to explain to you about this bone marrow transplant.

"The one with a donor? Don´t bother. I´m not interested," Nick muttered.

"I heard that but Nick I really think you should listen to what I have to say."

"Well I don´t think so, besides there is not a chance that I am letting anyone in MY family going through the same shit as I am so you can just quit talking about it."

"Nick it´s not dangerous for that other person.."

"Still not an option" the young man interrupted, "So are you going to tell me about that other stuff or not?"

Sensing that there was no way she could get her stubborn patient to listen to what she had to say she sighed deeply, "Ok Nick..well anyway the procedure is about the same that I mentioned and then we have the third option."

"Ok bring it on. I´m listening."

"It´s called Pherpheral Blood Stem Transplant and the patients blood is being passed through a machine that removes the stem cells. That is your immature cells from which all blood cells develop, and then the machine returns the blood to the patient again."

"Sounds kind of bloody" Nick joked lightly.

Dr. Andersen smiled, "Then after that procedure is done we freeze the blood cells and then transplant them to you. Sometimes this procedure is done together with the first option."

"Ok and which one do I have a better chance to survive from?" Nick asked frankly as he had listened to his doctor talking. He noticed the same troubled _expression on the doctor's face as Kevin used to have when he was asking something that he either didn´t want to answer or felt uncomfortable answering.

But he got his answer. "Nick I wish I could tell you but I don´t know. Like I said before all patients respond differently to the methods and what is good for one isn´t for the other. But since you are so against the donor transplantation."

"Yup I am." he said quickly.

"Yes, so I´ve heard." For once the doctor looked slightly annoyed. "I´ll suggest, but that is before I have taken all of the tests, that we should try the first option, possible with the third option depending on how your cell counts are doing right now. Especially since you´re so against the donor part."

"Yeah I am." He rolled up his shirt sleeve. "Ok lets get this shit over and done than shall we?"

"What are you doing?" The doctor looked surprised.

"Rolling up my sleeve so you can take all those tests that you so desperately want."

There was a deep sigh. "No Nick that is not how it works. I wish it was that easy but it´s not. Since you have decided to go ahead with the biopsy I will change the plans. You will get started on the chemo after the biopsy has been done instead."

"Why not before?" He was a bit surprised over her sudden change in attitude. Not that he complained but she had seemed so eager at first.

"Because it can't be hurt by the chemo."

"Hasn´t it already?" Nick muttered sullenly.

"Come again?" She rose her eyebrows.

"Oh nothing" Nick added, "Just rambling you know. Talking crap."

"Oh Ok." She looked suddenly very tired. "As I said we need to get you started on chemo again since I want to see how you respond to the treatment now when you have been away from it a while. I´m also eager to see how you respond on the new nausea medication."

"Yeah that´ll be fun." He knew he sounded sarcastic but couldn´t help it. Hadn´t they seen enough of what side effects did to him?

"I know that it´s hard on you," she sounded apologetic, "but it won´t help you if you have a bad attitude."

"Sorry." There was no use in fighting. He was too tired.

"Nick" she looked at him. "There is something more I came to talk to you about."

"Oh." More bad news he was sure.

"No it´s not bad..it´s actually something good. Something you will like.."

"Fat chance," he grumbled before adding in a more irritated tone than he was intended, "What?"

"Since you have been here for nearly a month and doing further treatment with the transplantation will have you spend here even more time I have decided to.."

"I don´t want to.."

She cut him off, holding up a hand. "No wait Nick. Listen to what I have to say."

A loud groan could be heard.

"I´m willing to let you go home to your house with permission over the weekend."

Those words were the best he´d heard in a very long time. "You are?" He nearly shouted. Did he hear what he was hearing? Did she actually say that he could go home for the weekend? This was the best of news ever. Surprised he sat up straighter in bed. "Are you actually saying what I think you´re saying? That I can go home over the weekend?"

"Yes." She laughed. "That´s what I´m suggesting..because you have managed to eat solid food and that the dizziness that you´re experiencing is a bit better."

"This is great!" Nick shouted out like he had won the first prize in a lottery and then hugged his doctor unexpectedly. "Are you sure? Is it really true?"

"Yup."

"That is sooo great, thank you doc!" The young man was simply radiant with happiness. Then his _expression suddenly darkened, "Are you doing this just because you know that I might not come back home again?"

Startled over this sudden change in _expression the doctor felt unprepared. "No" she said after she had recovered, "No it´s nothing like that. But I won´t say that you don´t have to spend some time in the hospital after the bone marrow transplantation but also before it´s being done. It's a dangerous procedure that you are going through and we won´t have any complications"

"'k." Nick seemed to think for a while before adding, "You know I have another idea. Why don´t you let me go home for like a week and during that time I don´t have to use any chemo or anything?" It was a long shot.

"A week?" The woman looked doubtful, "You want me to let you off for a whole week without any sort of treatment. That could be dangerous."

"My whole life is so fucked up anyway besides what can be worse than having that bone marrow transplant? Or chemo?"

Dr. Andersen stroke her hand over he cheek like she was thinking deeply, then she said slowly, "Nick I wish I could let you go home that long but we can´t risk your immune system becoming any worse because that could danger the transplantation severely"

"Please.." Nick begged, "Pretty please. Just let me go back to my family and friends for once. Let me stay at my house. I promise I will be back after a week. Promise." He was whining like a kid and really making up an act.

Something in his approach most have softened the doctor as she said after thinking carefully. "Ok Nick.."

He shouted loud from happiness.

"No wait" her tone was serious "I need you first to do the bone marrow test as well as start another 4 days round of chemotherapy. If everything then goes as planned, I will let you go. For a week."

"Done deal." Nick slapped his doctors hand in a high five. Then he stopped himself. "No chemo during that time either?"

"No," she laughed, "No chemo either." This patient was really something special to her.

"Thank you..Thank you..Thank you." Nick shone like a light bulb. "You won´t regret this." She had rarely seen her patient this happy

"I hope so too."

"Promise."

"Good because you still have a weak immune system and if you show any signs of sickness or a cold or something like that I want you to come to the hospital. Is that understood?"

"Sure," he mumbled but the doctor wasn´t sure he had heard anything she was saying.

"Nick that is important."

"OK..but when can I go back home then?"

"I´m thinking the end of this week. If everything is going according to plan and you respond on the chemotherapy dose that I will give tomorrow and for the following days.

He groaned, "Why not tomorrow?"

"Because I´m starting you on the chemo today or the latest tomorrow judging how you respond to that new anti nausea medication..you remember."

He nodded. How could he forget.

"I also don´t think it would be wise for you to go in the condition that you are right now. Especially since you haven´t been eating properly."

"Give me that Wheat stuff..hell even give me Jello. I don´t care." He grinned like a cat that had caught a bird.

"No Nick." She chuckled to him again. "No can do. We have to take one step at a time. "

"Ok." Suddenly it was like all air had gone from the young man in front of her. He looked at once very exhausted and she was sincerely starting to think that maybe it had been a bad decision of hers. Maybe he was weaker than she had thought he was.

"Yes, hon..I mean Nick," the doctor corrected quickly. "Like I said before we have to see how you respond to this batch with chemo and.."

"There is no need for that" Nick added quickly. " I can tell you how it is..Puky." He laughed despite the pain showing on his face. "But that doesn't matter anyway since I can be just as sick at home as I can here."

Dr. Andersen felt a bit bad. Why she felt like this for the young man was beyond her comprehension. It was like he had started to touch her personally and this was something that she usually didn´t allow. Instead she always tried to act professional. "Nick I know that this is upsetting you."

"I´m not upset. I´m just tired of laying here, feeling like crap all the time" he bit back his anger.

She nodded in sympathy. "I can understand that." Standing up she said, "I have to go for now but I will order a nurse to come in with the anti nausea meds as soon as possible so you will feel sleepy and relaxed. Then if you´re feeling up to it we will start up on the chemotherapy..if not we will wait until tomorrow after you had your bone marrow biopsy

He nodded. Tears in his eyes again.

"I will also order some more tests to be done as well as let the nurse come up with a bowl of cremed Wheat."

Nick looked disgusted.

"It´s not that bad." She walked towards the door. "Now you know that if there is anything that you wanna talk or ask me about just press the button and tell the nurse and I will come as long as I´m on my shift." She had to mentally slap herself for saying this. This wasn´t professional yet this was exactly what she felt for the young man. "Otherwise I see you tomorrow." She smiled to him. "Now try to relax. Everything will be just fine."

Nick stared at the door long after she had left. It had been easy for her to say. She wasn´t the one that was going to get a six foot needle stuck up her spine!

Kevin Richardson stared at AJ questionably; eyebrow arched. “What was that phone call all about?”

Before answering his older band brother, AJ moved from the phone to a kitchen cabinet pulling a mug down. “I needed to clarify info from Kaos, that’s all.”

Kevin watched as AJ poured the coffee into the mug and then proceeded to doctor it up with three teaspoonsful of sugar and two teaspoonsful of creamer. “You know you should just skip the coffee and go for just the sugar and cream, it would be much cheaper.”

AJ’s reply was a thrust of his middle finger as he slid into an empty chair at the table.

“So what info did you need to clarify from Nick?”

“I don’t wanna say anything until I’m positive that he’s gonna do what he says he’s gonna do.”

Kevin’s face lit up. “You got him to change his mind about the chemo?”

AJ sighed. “I hope so but you know about Kaos, he’s kinda flighty about stuff....one minute he says yes and the next he says no.”

Kevin placed a hand on AJ’s forearm, AJ immediately jerked it away when he heard footsteps approaching the kitchen. “But you got him to change his mind!”

“For now,” came a firm reply.

Jane Carter breezed into the kitchen. “Good morning boys, you sure are awake early. Is this a common thing? I thought you’d be like my Nicky, sleeping in until way past noon.”

Kevin watched the older woman open and close numerous cabinets before finding the one that held the coffee mugs. “My goodness, Nicky doesn’t have things organized very well, I should re-arrange his kitchen while I’m here,” she mumbled to herself, loud enough for the two men at the table to overhear. “So don’t you sleep in boys?”

“No ma’am,” Kevin replied.

“After the bad moods you boys seemed to be in yesterday I kinda figured that you’d be sleeping late today. You were up pretty late last night talking and all.”

“We’re sorry, we just couldn’t sleep I guess,” Kevin apologized, giving AJ a dirty look when he rolled his eyes.

Jane sat down at the table with her coffee. “Can I join you?”

“Looks like you already did,” AJ rasped.

Jane tentatively sipped the strong black coffee. “So what are you boys talking about that was so important at seven o’clock in the morning? About a new tour I bet.”

The angry glare that AJ cast should have sent chills down Jane Carter’s spine. “How the hell could you sit there and think that life is so fucking fine and dandy when your son is laying there fucking dying in a fucking hospital?!”

Jane could only drop her mouth open as she listened to AJ verbally berating her.

”AJ!” Kevin gasped.

“You don’t get it,” AJ continued, ignoring Kevin. “It’s all about the money Jane all about the goddamn money. Always has been. Your Nicky would lay in his bed when we were on tour and cry himself to sleep because you would lay into him when you’d read bad reviews. That kid shouldn’t have gave a shit about them but you always wanted to rub it into him. He ended up wanting to go home with Brian cause he had parents that gave a shit about him and not about what he was doing when he was in freakin Europe. That kid would cry thinking about going home!”

”AJ that’s enough!” Kevin whispered harshly as he clamped a hand on the tatooed man’s forearm.

AJ brushed the grip away. “No she has to hear this! I’m not backing down!” He bore his gaze onto the older woman as he continued. “What Kevin and I were talking about last night was your son. Do you even know that Nick was giving up? He was refusing anymore treatments to save his life?” He laughed sarcastically before continuing. “Nah bet you didn’t even realize that. How could you when you’ve got your entire exsistence wrapped up around AC?”

He paused for a moment to see if this was sinking into Jane Carter. She sat motionless as he continued.

“You see that’s where Nick is different from Aaron. You tried to mold Nick into your perfect little performer and when he finally told you to fuck off you switched gears and went after Aaron cause he was more vulnerable than Nick---”

”AJ THAT’S ENOUGH!” Kevin interrupted gesturing towards a crying Jane. “Can’t you see what you’re doing?”

“Getting through her arrogant mind?”

“I-I’m sorry if it seems to you like I was more worried about the money than my children, but that’s not true,” Jane stated in a hushed whisper. “I love my children more than life itself.”

“Then prove it Jane,” AJ taunted. “When was the last time you saw Nick? You blew into his room, saw how sick he was and couldn’t hack it. I know that one for a fact. I overheard the nurses.”

“That’s not true,” Jane protested.

“That’s bullshit!”

“AJ that’s enough! Can’t you see what you’re doing to her!?”

“You said Nick is going to do the treatments,” Jane sniffled.

“Yes I did and do you know why? Because he didn’t want to let his little brother down. He doesn’t give a fuck about you Jane, he cares about Aaron.”

”AJ that’s uncalled for!” Kevin bellowed.

“It’s true and you know it Kevin. He doesn’t give a fuck about her. Nick would jump off a cliff for Aaron and you know it. I convinced him to change his mind because of his little brother and nothing else. At least I hope he sticks to it.”

Aaron Carter sleepily entered the kitchen. “What’s all the yelling about?” He paused as he looked at the faces at the people seated at the kitchen table. “Mom why are you crying? D-did something happen to Nick?” he asked tearfully.

“No...no Aaron,” Kevin quickly offered. “AJ just got off the phone with your brother, everything is okay,” he added.

Aaron looked at the group with suspicion. “Then what is it?”

“Nothing for you to worry about honey,” Jane lied.

“I hopefully have Nick’s mind changed about the treatments,” AJ said with a wry smile.

Aaron looked at AJ hopefully. “You did?”

“Yeah squirt I did. I took off and I sat down with him and had a heart to heart talk. He’s doing this for you!”

Aaron seemed to balk at the thought. “I don’t want Nick to do it for me, I want Nick to do it for himself.”

“Well he’s doing it for himself but he’s thinking about you too AC,” Kevin filled in.

“He loves you honey,” Jane stated softly. “He loves all of us. He wants to do what is best for himself and try to keep on fighting for his family and his fans.”

AJ shook his head in disbelief. Here he had just finished yelling at the woman and she is acting like nothing was said to her. He scooted his chair back, causing the legs to scrape noisly on the tiled floor. “I’m going out for a smoke.”

“That’s always his way of dealing with stress,” Kevin muttered. “Don’t you ever take up smoking kiddo or I’ll have to kick your butt,” he added with a smile at Aaron.

Although Kevin tried to lighten the mood, tension still filled the room.

“Hi Nick,” she said in a cheerful voice as she laid the burdens she carried onto the bed tray.

“Hi,” Nick replied monotoned.

“Awww, now you’re making me feel sad.”

“Sorry.”

“I know this stuff sucks, all my patients seem to hate seeing me when I come into their rooms,” the nurse explained. “My name is Cyndi, I’m the IV nurse for oncology. You’ve probably never seen me before today but lucky you happen to start a new round of chemo yesterday and now you’re on my shift.”

“Lucky me,” he remarked flatly.

The nurse snickered at his response as she busied herself with setting up the IV lines for the theraputic meds. She patted him gently on an arm. “So how did you do last night?”

“Well after they stopped the allergic reaction to that god awful nausea med I guess fine and they didn’t start the chemo yesterday,” Nick corrected before frowning. ‘Didn’t that nurse read his chart?’

“Sorry, misspoke myself, and you’re right you didn’t get any chemo yesterday.”

Nick sighed with relief. ‘At least she read my chart,’ he thought to himself. He looked at the bags on the table with aprehension. “So what’s all that stuff there?”

“Dr. Andersen ordered a bone marrow test for this morning and this is some of the meds you will have to take once you’re finished with the testing.”

“So you mean to tell me I’m gonna get stuck this morning and then puke my guts out for the rest of the day? Just peachy.”

“I know it sucks but from what I heard, bone marrow aspirations aren’t as bad as they make it out on the internet.”

“You only say that because you’ve never had one,” Nick snapped.

Cyndi looked at her patient sympathetically. “No, I haven’t but many of my patients have and the only complaint I’ve gotten from them is the nasty ache they get from the donor site and that’s about it and we can give you narcs to help with that.”

“I was hoping she’d put me to sleep during this crap,” Nick muttered.

“Sorry, it’s a lot better for you to be awake. Don’t worry, you’ll get a strong anesthetic to numb your hip.”

“Yippee,” Nick grumbled.

“Aww now that didn’t sound very genuine,” Cyndi teased as she winked.

“Sorry, I’m just a little nervous about this procedure,” Nick admitted.

“Well you’ll have a friend here to be by your side during this,” the nurse replied.

“Um, no I won’t.” Nick was quiet for a moment, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. “Um, Cyndi? Can I ask you something?”

“Sure hun.”

He licked his lips nervously. “Would it be possible for you with me for this thing?”

The brunette rubbed her patient’s shoulder. “I was planning on it, I’m your nurse for this and I’m going to be with you every step of the way.”

Nick sighed a relieved sigh. “Thank God.”

“I’m going to leave you to go get ready in the surgical suite---”

Nick’s eyes grew wide. “Surgery?”

“Relax, it’s not really surgery...well, I guess you could say it’s a surgical procedure but anyway, you need to be in an antiseptic environment. I need to gown up and I’ll be waiting for you when you get to the room, don’t worry.”

“Swell,” Nick grimaced.

Nick didn’t have to wait long before a female orderly entered the room with a gurney. “Mr. Carter, I’m Alicia from transportation,” she announced as she guided the gurney next to the hosptial bed. Without hesitating, she raised the bed so that it was level with the gurney. “Can you scooch over here?”

Nick obeyed her orders and with a great deal of effort moved his body slowly onto the gurney, closing his eyes to fend off the wave of dizziness that appeared from his movements.

The orderly quickly unfolded a warming blanket and spread it over his body. “There you are, bet that feels good. It gets pretty drafty in the halls,” she stated as she unlocked the wheels at the head of the gurney.

Nick closed his eyes for the trip to the elevator; he dreaded seeing the faces of people in the hall, fearing they may recognize him or worse look at him with pity in their eyes.

“How yah doing? Still with me?” the young woman questioned as she punched the button to call the elevator.

“Fine,” Nick mumbled.

The elevator signalled and the doors opened. The cart bounced as it crossed the threshold. “Sorry about that,” the girl appologized. “I always forget to tell patients the bump is coming.”

Nick managed a faint smile. He was too nervous thinking about the bone marrow aspiration to even think about anything else.

“Hey, I forgot to mention to you that my baby sister has been a fan of you guys from the beginning, well her and I have to admit I have too.”

A tap on the shoulder snatched Nick from his thoughts. “Huh?”

“I said my baby sister and me are huge fan of you guys.”

“Oh? Thanks.” ’Thanks? What the hell is this woman saying to me? I am laying here in a paper thin dress shivering my ass off and going off to God knows where to have a freakin bone marrow thing to see if there is any chance that Dr. Andersen can save my life,’ Nick thought darkly as he ran a hand over his face.

“Here we are, basement level, pool supplies and yard goods,” the girl announced as the elevator car lurched to an abrupt stop.

Despite the warm blanket, Nick could feel the cool draft as the gurney was guided down the brightly lit hallway. The woman stopped outside of a painted double door, punching numbers on a keypad before the doors swung open.

“Here we go, suite nine.”

Looking around the unfamiliar room, Nick’s eyes were open wide with fear. The smell of rubbing alcohol hung in the air and the bright lights made the stainless steel equipment shine.

“Hi Nickolas.”

Nick jumped when he heard the familiar voice of Dr. Andersen.

“Okay Nick, I need you to move yourself over to this table please.”

Looking up, Nick was relieved to see Cyndi standing next to the gurney. A slight grin crept upon his lips.

“I bet you thought I was lying to you, didn’t you?” Cyndi winked.

“Nah, I’m just relieved to see you,” Nick grunted as he moved his body onto the table. He waited for a moment until the orderly had left the room. “That girl that brought me here was a real psycho.”

“What did she do?”

“Nothing, just kinda odd I guess. I don’t get out much so I suppose I’m not used to strangers anymore.”

“Okay hun, I need you to lay on your stomach for me, okay?”

Nick could feel his heart leap into his throat. This was it, there would be pain involved in a few minutes.

“Okay this is gonna feel a little cold,” Cyndi announced as she rubbed Betadine onto Nick’s hip and mid thigh area.

Nick jumped slightly, screwing his eyes shut. “This is gonna hurt like a motherfucker,” he mumbled to himself not caring about his use of profanity infront of the women.

“Okay, now I’m going to give you a local anesthetic, this will sting for a few seconds but it will go away,” the nurse warned.

Biting his lower lip, Nick prepared himself for the “sting” he was warned about. “Sonofbitch!”

“Sorry hun, but that should be the last pain you’ll feel. It should be getting numb in a few minutes.”

Nick wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand as he nodded.

“Okay Nick, I need you to raise your hips up for a moment, I have to place this underneath so your hips will be raised for Dr. Andersen to get at.”

Nick obediently raised himself up for the woman to slide the rolled object under his hips and thighs.

“Okay,” Cyndi stated after she snapped off her latex gloves when she stood by Nick’s bedside. “Are you ready to take my hand?”

Swallowing nervously, Nick took the nurse’s hand with a firm grasp.

“Okay Nickolas, can you feel this?” Dr. Andersen questioned from behind him.

Scrunching his eyes closed, Nick concentrated to find out what Dr. Andersen wanted him to feel. “No?”

“Is that an answer or a question?”

“No I don’t feel anything,” he corrected.

“Slow down your breathing hun, take deep slow breaths,” Cyndi said in a soothing voice.

“Okay Nickolas, you’re going to feel some pressure here,” Dr. Andersen stated in a calm voice as she prepared to plunge the long syringe into the hip.

Tears started to well up in Nick’s eyes, blurring his vision. He tried to concentrate on slowing his breathing down but realized it wasn’t working too well when Cyndi reminded him once again to slow down his breathing.

“Squeeze my hand if you have to Nick.”

Nick nodded mutely and closed his eyes as he gripped Cyndi’s hand tighter. He could hear her soothing voice as she softly rubbed his back in small circles. It reminded him of what his mother used to do for him when he was younger and needed comfort.

His thoughts drifted toward the memories of when he was younger and his mother as he tried to focus on something other than what was going on at his hip bone.

“Nick I told you that there’s no playing baseball with the other kids......you need to practice your vocals and besides I have you scheduled for a picture session and you might hurt your face or heaven forbid break something.....”

The memory caused Nick to shudder and his breathing started racing again.

“Nick, hun, are you feeling okay?” Cyndi asked as she stopped rubbing his back, lowering her masked face down by his.

“I’m okay,” he whimpered.

“Nickolas, I need you to hold very still, this next part is going to be a little painful,” Dr. Andersen warned with a soft voice.

Cyndi noticed Nick’s grip on her hand had intensified to the point of cutting off the circulation in her fingers. She bit her tongue to displace the pain he was placing on her hand as she continued to try to soothe her patient with rubbing his back.

”OH GOD IT FUCKING HURTS!” Nick yelped as the marrow was being suctioned out. He moaned and panted as the doctor continued the procedure, apologizing for the pain.

“I-I’m gonna be sick,” Nick panted. Within seconds the all-too-familiar curved plastic basin was laying next to his face. His stomach twisted into knots as the wave of dry heaves constricted his body as he wretched, producing only a small amount of bile.

“It’s okay hun......it’s almost over,” Cyndi coached in a soothing voice as she wiped Nick’s mouth with a cool compress.

“You’re doing good Nickolas,” Dr. Andersen offered softly. “Just a few more minutes.”

”A few more minutes?” Nick whimpered. ”God I want this over!

“I know hun.....it sucks,” Cyndi soothed.

“Fuck......” Nick couldn’t finish his thoughts when another wave of dry heaves twisted his stomach once again.

“Doctor can we give him some Zofran yet?”

“Four milligrams,” the doctor responded.

Cyndi took her hand away and walked over to windowed cabinet pulling out a small vial of medication and a syringe. With an alcohol swab, she cleaned the port and expertly injected the anti nausea medication. “Hun this should start working for you in a few minutes,” she promised as she finished with the injection.

Nick nodded mutely as he tried to take his mind off of the intense pain he was feeling from his hip.

“Nickolas, I’m done drawing the marrow, you did a wonderful job in holding still for me,” Dr. Andersen announced. “Cyndi, I need a eight by eight for pressure bandage.”

After a few minutes, the doctor declared that her young patient was ready to return to his room. He was not only happy to hear that they were finished with the tortorous procedure but that he could go back to his room and to the security of his hospital bed and his familiar surroundings.

Once Nick was settled back in his room, Cyndi did checked his vitals once again. “Hun you must be hurting a lot? Your blood pressure is way up.”

Nick tearfully nodded in agreement.

“I’ll be back in a minute, doc has orders for pain meds through an IV.”

Wiping the tears with the back of his hand, Nick finally gave in and let himself cry. It hurt and he was tired. He decided he didn’t need to keep up a good front. He hurt and he wanted it to stop. It was the worst he had ever felt in his life and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

He had gone through complete hell. Little did he know that this hell was only the beginning.

Brian let out a deep sigh as he laid on the bed beside his wife.

“Okay that is the fourth time in about fifteen minutes that you’ve sighed.....spill it Bri, what’s bugging you?”

Flipping through the channels on the television Brian could only shake his head in reply.

Leighanne draped an arm across her husband’s chest. “C’mon you’ll feel better about whatever it is that’s bugging you if you talk about it sweetheart.”

Brian gently rubbed Leighanne’s arm. “It’s nothing.”

“Brian Thomas Littrell I know you’re lying. Please honey let’s talk about it....are you worried about the baby?”

“I’m always worried about the baby’s health, it’s natural,” Brian agreed, hoping that Leighanne would drop the subject.

“Okay I can understand that but I know that there’s something more that you’re thinking about.”

“It’s nothing Lee, I told you,” Brian lied.

“Nick?”

“Huh?”

“It’s Nick, isn’t it? I can tell you’ve been kinda preoccupied lately and I know you haven’t called Kevin in a couple of days....”

“I’ve called him, but he hasn’t call me back,” Brian quickly corrected.

“Well try callin’ him again, I’m sure he’s just been busy with Nick or something.”

“Probably.”

“So.....”

Brian looked at his wife. “So what?”

“So why are you just laying here? Get up and call him!”

“Alright....alright I’m goin’,” Brian grunted as he got up from the bed. After handing the remote control to Leighanne, he slowly padded his way across the hall to the guest bedroom to place the phone call.

He closed the bedroom door softly and sat on the bed for a few minutes; cordless telephone cradled in his hands. As much as he wanted to call his cousin to check up on Nick, he dreaded the thought fearing that he would hear bad news instead of good news. It had become so common lately with Nick - too many curves in how his body was handling the Hodgekin’s Disease. One time he was good only to be handed a bad report or get struck down with nausea and vomiting or even worse pain the next time.

Sighing heavily, Brian hit the *8 on the keypad to speed dial the number to Kevin’s cell phone. After a few signals, and his heart beating rapidly, he was rewarded with his cousin’s Kentucky drawl.

“Hello?”

“Kev? Hey it’s Brian, gosh I didn’t think I’d ever reach you.”

“Been kinda busy lately, sorry I didn’t get back with you,” Kevin apologized.

“Oh,” Brian replied as he was trying to think of something to say to start a conversation before turning the topic onto the subject of Nick’s health. “Um....”

“I was just getting ready run up to the hospital to check in on Nick.”

Brian’s felt his chest getting tight. “Oh?”

“Yeah, he’s had a pretty rough morning.”

A wave of panic swept over Brian. “Rough? What’s going on with Nick?”

“He’s suppose to be starting chemo again last night last I knew so I bet he’s gonna be pretty sick today.”

Brian tugged a hand nervously through his hair. ”Starting chemo again-I thought everything was fine with Nick and he was getting better.

“Bri, calm down,” Kevin paused. “Dr. Andersen told Nick that they needed to get more agressive with the cancer and the chemo and his only chance for survival may be a bone marrow transplant. I thought I told you this already.”

“You haven’t called me back for a few days,” Brian snapped.

Kevin pressed his palm against his forehead. “Gosh cuz, I’m so sorry but it’s been a crazy week so far with Nick quitting his treatment and not wanting to---”

”He quit what?”

“Let me finish, he said he was going to stop his cancer treatments but AJ got through to him and he agreed to do the bone marrow option.”

Brian paused for a moment, letting the information digest in his brain. “Who did you say is the donor?”

“Nick.”

“Huh? He’s the patient.”

“Nick is donating his own bone marrow and they are doing something to treat the marrow to kill off any cancer cells and they will be doing another round of higher chemo to clean his system out,” Kevin answered.

“I’ve never heard of anyone donating their own marrow to themselves....are you sure Nick was telling you correctly?”

Kevin replied with a light chuckle. “Yeah I know Nick can be hard to believe sometimes, but his doctor told the family about it and they were going to start off with higher chemo and the bone marrow thing. From what she told us, it sounded like this may be one of his only options left.”

“Oh God,” Brian sighed.

“Hey, if it’s okay with you, I need to get going. Give Lee my love ‘kay?”

“Yeah sure Kev,” Brian replied, dully.

Sensing Brian’s concerns, Kevin quickly added, “Bri, everything will be fine with Nick. We have to put our trust in his doctor.”

“I hope so Kevin.....I really hope so.” Leighanne looked into her husband’s eyes when he re-entered the room; his face drained of color. “Oh my God, Brian did something happen?”

Brian sat down on the edge of the bed as he ran a hand over his face. “Something like that I guess,” he mumbled.

Leighanne waited for a few moments for Brian to fill her in and after a few minutes of complete silence, she couldn’t stand it any longer. “Well? Could you at least tell me what’s going on?”

“Kevin said that Nick’s gonna have to have a bone marrow transplant... god, this wasn’t suppose to happen....”

“What exactly did Kevin tell you?” Leighanne questioned as she tried to keep her voice calm.

Brian sighed and repeated everything that his cousin had told him and when he finished Leighanne only had two words to say to him.

“Call Nick.”

“What?”

“I said call Nick.”

“But I don’t have any idea what kind of shape he’s in or if he’s up to taking any calls.”

“Honey, you won’t know unless you call him. You said that Kevin was going up to the hospital to see him, so I can only imagine that Nick is probably up for some kind of visit. Call him.....I won’t drop this until you go and call him. I’m sure you’ll be happy you did...who knows, maybe it’ll make you feel better.”

“Or worse,” Brian muttered as he stood up to go across the hall to place the call.

“Stop being so negative.”

Once again, Brian found himself in the guest bedroom, seated on the bed with the cordless phone cradled in his hands. His index finger was poised over the buttons as he debated if he should call Nick. There were so many “what if’s” that he was about to put the phone back and not call when his eyes rested on a picture of he and Nick that had been taken last year before Nick had become sick.

The grin on his best friend’s face brought a smile to his own face as well as tears in his eyes. Time was so precious and he knew he would seize the moment when he thought of Nick or he may never have the chance to talk to him ever again.

”Stop it! Stop thinking like that!” Brian coached himself as he shook his head. Taking a deep breath, he pressed the number to the speed dial he had programmed to the nurse’s station at the hospital.

“Oncology ICU, Cyndi speaking.”

“Um yeah, this is Brian Littrell, I’m Nick Carter’s patient advocate and I was checking to see how he’s doing today.....” As he pressed the phone harder to his ear, Brian could hear some voices in the background and shuffling of papers.

“Brian Littrell? Could have have the verification codes?”

Brian panicked for a moment as his mind went blank as he tried to mentally think out the verification code. ‘Crap! Verification codes.....c’mon what were they? One twenty-eight.....no, it was one hundred eighty....’

“1980.”

“And?”

‘And? Shit what else was there.....some word, god what word was it? 1980 AJ is a dumbass and Nick is perfect?´

“1980 AJ is a dumbass and Nick is perfect?” He blushed after he said what he hoped was the verification codes that Nick himself had come up with for any family member or friend to use when they called in to check up on him.

“How can I help you now, Mr. Littrell?”

Brian let out a sigh of relief when he realized that he remembered the code words and mentally told himself that he needed to write that down for future reference.

“I wanted to see how Nick’s been today.”

“He’s in stable condition,” the nurse replied.

“Stable? Can’t you be a little more specific? I heard he was starting chemo again...”

“He hasn’t yet today, he just had a bone marrow aspiration----”

Brian’s eyes widened. ”Bone marrow aspiration? I-I thought that wasn’t going to be done until later on!”

“Doctor decided it would be best to do that this morning since he had a bad night with the anti-nausea medication and had an allergic reaction so she thought it would be best to do the aspiration first before starting the chemo.”

“Oh,” Brian replied in a shaky voice.

“I can check to see if he’s awake, I’m sure he’d like to speak with you.”

Before Brian could reply, the woman had placed the call on hold. Expecting her to come back after a few moments, he heard sound of the phone being dropped and then what sounded like being dragged across the floor.

“Whaddup dawg?” Nick greeted the caller in a hoarse voice.

“Nick?”

“Yessum.” “Okay, it sorta sounds like you.....how are you?”

“Me? I’m just chillin’ bro ain’t nuttin goin on here....”

“Nick quit talking ghetto, I’m trying to have a conversation with you,” Brian snapped in an irritated tone.

“Aye-aye sir...” Nick mocked loudly.

“Um, so the nurse told me you had a bone marrow aspiration thing today?”

Nick’s voice suddenly became quiet. “Oh yeah I got that done today and you shouldda seen the size of that dang needle they used on me.....holy shit Bri it was bigger than a garden hose and it was wider than my di----”

“Okay Nick I get the idea,” Brian quickly interrupted. “So I take it everything went well then?”

Nick yawned loudly. “Yeah it’s pretty sweet I guess.”

“Sweet? What do you mean by sweet?”

“God Brian they give you these fantastic drugs and I mean F...A...N....T..I..S..T...I...C.....motherfucking drugs. Dude, they just give them to me anytime I call. Hell they give me anything I ask for, seriously!”

“So are you on something right now?”

“Dude! You wouldn’t believe what they gave me! I’m on morphine! Isn’t that kick ass? Bone would be so jealous!”

Brian seemed to be puzzled at how Nick was acting in their conversation. He was suddenly starting to regret being transferred to Nick’s room.

“It’s the best shit I’ve had....and it’s free! Isn’t that cool?”

Suddenly Nick’s coversation turned. “Hey man, I was thinking we could meet later tonight and go over the songs and shit... you know rehearse? I know Lou is gonna be pissed off at me as usual since he’s been on my back since last week....”

“Nick what are you talking about?”

“Fatass Lou... you know. He just called me like right before you called and he was really really pissed that you weren’t up yet. He’s been waiting in the lobby for an hour he said and he found out that we went out for pizza and beer last night too. Can you believe that fatass is concerned about me eating? What an asshole...”

“Nick?”

Nick yawned loudly into the phone. “But it’s all good. He can’t push me around anymore...”

“Nick what are you talking about?”

“Oh shit I almost forgot.... I left Mikey outside, hold on a minute, okay I gotta let him in...”

”NICK DON’T LEAVE...STAY ON THE PHONE...NICK! LISTEN TO ME!” Brian screamed into the phone.

“Huh? I just gotta get the dog, jesus Bri...”

“Nick, you just told me a few minutes ago we were in a hotel and now you’re saying you gotta let the dog in....the one that has been dead for about four years!”

“Are you high man? I’m sitting in on my boat!”

“Sitting on your boat? Then how can you let a dog in? Would he be at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico by now?”

Nick breathed heavily into the phone as he thought about what Brian had just said. “At the bottom of the gulf? God did something happen to my dog?”

“No Nick, just calm down....are you alone?”

“Yessum.”

“Nick I need you take a look at where you are, just focus on where you are,” Brian stated in a calm voice.

“You are getting really weird.”

“Listen to me Nick, I want you to focus on what you see,” Brian urged as the panic was causing his heart to race. Nick was hallucinating on the medications and he was unable to stop Nick from doing something that would hurt himself.

“Okay and?”

“What do you see?”

“Judas Brian are you for real man?”

“Nick what do you see?”

“I see that my dog needs to be let in cause it’s starting to thunderstorm.”

“No Nick, you’re in the hospital.....don’t you see that?”

“Hey hold on I gotta close my windows....”

”NICK STAY ON THE PHONE WITH ME!”

Brian’s heart sank when he heard Nick grunting as he obviously was trying to sit up or worse get out of bed.

”NICKY! PLEASE! DON’T GO ANYWHERE TALK TO ME!”

As Brian waited for what seemed like an eternity between his panicked request he suddenly heard Nick cry out and the phone going dead.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“Honey! What’s wrong?” Leighanne questioned as she stood in the doorway. “My God, did something happen to---”

Brian held a hand up cutting Leighanne off in midsentence. Leighanne walked over to sit on the bed beside her husband as he punched buttons on the phone.

Seconds seemed like minutes for Brian as he waited for someone to answer the phone. ‘God why isn’t anyone picking the phone up?’ Brian mentally yelled.

“Oncology ICU, this is Gretta.”

”CHECK NICK CARTER’S ROOM!”

“Sir, I’m sorry I cannot give out any information on any pa---”

”JESUS LADY SOMEONE CHECK ON NICK CARTER!” Brian yelled into the receiver, startling Leighanne. “I was just on the phone with Nick, this is Brian Littrell and I think he fell out of his bed or something.”

“Oh my gosh......Mark go into room three stat!”

Brian pressed his ear against the receiver as he tried to make out sounds of what was happening hundreds of miles away from him.

“Sir, I will have someone call you back after we check on the patient, I’m sorry but I will have to hang up now,” the nurse quickly apologized and before Brian could say anything, the phone went dead.

“Hello? Hello.......great, they hung up on me,” Brian sighed as he tossed the phone onto the bed.

Leighanne placed a comforting hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Brian, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re thinking. Nick has to be on monitors and things so I’m sure if something bad had happened they would have been aware of it as soon as it happened. Come back and lay down with me honey,” she coaxed as she held her hand out.

Reluctantly, Brian stood up and followed his wife into their bedroom.

”I hope you’re right,” he whispered.

“As many times as I’ve been here, this place still freaks me out,” AJ admitted as he involuntarily shivered.

Kevin nodded in agreement. ”Too close to home,” he whispered.

“I hope he’s not too sick this morning, I don’t think I could stomach another puke fest with Kaos,” AJ muttered.

Kevin threw a dark glare at the tattooed man. “Like he can really help something like that Jay.”

“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for,” AJ quickly apologized. “I just hate seeing him so damned sick, that’s all.”

As they approached Nick’s ICU room, a flurry of commotion was evident at the nurses station. A code was being called over the intercom and Kevin’s heart started pounding as he feared the worst. Both men picked up their pace, thinking that once they got into Nick’s room that they would find that everything was alright with their young brother.

They stopped in the doorway, mouths open in shock as they found Nick sitting on the floor, his legs entangled in his bedding, giggling.

“Kaos, what the fuck are you doing on the floor?” AJ yelped as he approached his fallen friend.

“Wazzup my peeps?” Nick slurred as he smiled up at his visitors.

Kevin instantly grabbed Nick under the arms and quickly lifted his body back into the bed; shocked at how easily he could now lift the young man. “What are you doing on the floor and where the hell are the people that should be watching you?”

AJ sank into the chair at the edge of the bed, his face a pale green. “Good his hand is bleeding....”

Nick eyed the scratch on the top of his hand, wiping the blood off on the sheets. “Just a flesh wound matey,”

Kevin eyed the cut suspiciously. “A flesh wound my ass, you’re bleeding! What the hell were you doing?” he asked as he pushed AJ’s head down toward his lap. “Keep your head down until you feel better!”

“Dude chill....you’re over reacting again dipshit!” Nick giggled.

“Where the hell is someone in this place?” Kevin angrily yelled, looking toward the open door and then resting his eyes on the monitors above Nick’s hospital bed. “Heart monitor my ass,” he spat as he saw the flat green lines on the screen.

As if on cue, a young male nurse raced into the room.

“What’s going on in here mister Carter?”

Kevin whirled around. “What’s going on is that you people seem to have your heads up your asses!”

The nurse looked at the monitor as he approached his patient’s bedside. “Nick did you pull your leads off again?”

“Probably when you fall out of bed it would pull the leads off and he’s bleeding too!” Kevin advised in an angry tone.

“Fell out of bed? How could he have fallen out of bed?”

“I wanted to get up,” Nick admitted with a grin.

“Nick you know the rules, you have to call your nurse before you do anything!”

Kevin and Nick watched the nurse hook the leads back on and resetting the monitor. He then reached up at the head of the bed and grabbed a pair of latex sensitive gloves, snapping them on his hands. “Lemme look at your cut.”

“Jus a fleshwound I tell ya,” Nick giggled.

“What the heck is wrong with him? He’s acting out of his mind,” Kevin stated irratibly.

“Drugs,” Nick mumbled.

AJ slowly sat up in his chair. “What did you just say Nick?”

“Drugs....I’m trying them,” he grinned.

“He’s on morphine right now,” the nurse informed as he bandaged up Nick’s cut.

Kevin jerked. “Morphine! Care to explain why he’s on that?”

“Sorry but that’s confidential patient information,” the nurse replied.

“Confidential!? He’s our brother--” Kevin argued.

Nick lazily held a hand up. “I can tell ya why! I got some shit sucked outta me this mornin and they gave me this stuff cause it hurts like a muttha.”

AJ arched an eyebrow at Nick. “Sucked some shit out? I thought you were suppose to start chemo again. What shit are you talking about? Did you get an enema?”

Nick’s eyes widened when he realized what AJ was thinking. ”GOD NO! I wouldn’t let anyone come up to my ass with that motherfucking hose......you shudda seen it....it was like huge as big as my....”

AJ cracked a smile knowing where Nick was heading with his description. “That small huh Kaos?”

“I guess since Nick sort of has already told you, I can explain it better,” the nurse chuckled at the interaction between Nick and AJ. He then went into the details of Nick’s allergic reaction to the anti nausea medications the night before and then the doctor wanting to harvest bone marrow before he started his new round of chemo.

“All ‘cause of you Bone,” Nick agreed sleepily.

“You’re doing this because you want it, not because of me,” AJ corrected.

Kevin folded his arms across his chest. “I for one am not amused with all of this! Don’t you realize that you are in charge of taking care of Nick? He fell out of bed and from what I understand he could have gotten seriously injured!”

“Lay off Kev,” AJ growled. “The kid didn’t get hurt only a scratch.”

“That’s beside the point,” Kevin protested.

“I’m fine dad,” Nick smirked.

“We have the rails up on the bed to prevent him from falling,” the nurse explained. “It won’t prevent him from climbing out of the bed unfortunately.”

“Yeah dad,” Nick agreed. “I don’t remember what I was going to do but I’m positively sure it was really important,” he added, scratching his head. “I think.”

“Nick is there anything you need before I go?” the male nurse questioned.

“How ‘bout some of this kick-ass shit for AJ?”

Kevin furrowed his brow in disgust at Nick’s antics. The nurse smiled and left the room in a hurry saying he needed to attend to another patient.

After a few minutes of silence, Nick piped up, “Hey I’m going home tomorrow!”

“Okay it’s official, he’s higher than a kite,” AJ grinned.

Nick frowned. “No I’m totally serious! Doc said I can go home tomorrow! I can’t wait cause I’m sick of this place.”

Kevin stared at the blond. “Yeah, sure you are Nick.”

“You don’t believe me do you?” Nick cried.

“Nick, think about it, you’re still in ICU, I really doubt that they would let you go home when you’re still in ICU,” Kevin pointed out.

“Prolly cause I’m on this wicked shit....”

“Still, you haven’t been out of bed on your own---”

“Hospital rules or some lame shit,” Nick interrupted.

Before Kevin could continue the agrument, AJ broke in. “How about we wait until we can talk to one of his nurses or the doc, I think that would be better than tryin’ to make sense out of his mushed up brain.”

“Are you insu..insu.....saying I’m stupid?”

“No, I’m just saying we’ll wait until we talk to a medical professional dumbass,” AJ replied.

“Good morning,” she smiled sweetly as she set the tray on the bedstand and hurried out of the room.

Nick eyed the tray suspiciously, recalling the slimy green jello that was served to him yesterday. Leaning himself up on his elbows, he saw that there wasn’t any sign of jello. Reaching over to the side, he raised the head of his bed up so he could be in a sitting position.

Eagerly, he lifted a cover, his mouth dropped in surprise when he discovered a plate of scrambled eggs, white buttered toast and bacon! Before he could open the plastic covering the utensils, the young woman that had delivered his tray came rushing in.

“I-I’m so sorry, this isn’t your tray,” she said quickly announced as she pulled the tray away. She returned in a few moments, laying down a new tray, a can of Ensure replacing the inviting glass of orange juice and one small covered plate.

After the girl left, Nick removed the cover from the plate to discover that the scrambled eggs and bacon had been replaced with a bowl of cream of wheat.

“Awww what the fuck?!” he mumbled as he shoved the untouched tray away, eyes brimming with tears.

“Good Morning Nickolas,” Dr. Andersen said as she breezed into the room, chart in hand.

“It was good,” Nick mumbled.

The doctor looked at the untouched tray sitting off to the side of the bed. “Did I interrupt your breakfast?”

“Not eatin’ that shit.”

“Nickolas, what did we have a talk about the other day?”

He pointed a finger at the tray. “How do you expect me to eat that shit?”

“You can’t expect your stomach to handle a hamburger at this stage of your recovery,” she softly acknowledged.

“What about scrambled eggs? I just got a tray of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon and the witch from the kitchen took it away from me! I can’t eat cream of shit! How do you expect me to eat that? Do you eat cream of shit?”

“Cream of wheat and I’ve eaten it hundreds of times.”

Nick only folded his arms across his chest and glared at the doctor. “I ain’t gonna eat it.”

“Okay then we will hang the nutrition IV again.”

Nick’s eyes widened.

“It’s the IV or you eat Nickolas, I can’t keep telling you this if you don’t follow orders.”

“I just want to get out of here, I thought we said I could leave today?”

Dr. Andersen smiled. “Your drugged induced mind probably said today, but you know you can’t leave just yet. You need to start the higher chemo before you get discharged to home and we cannot start that until you build up your strength. Besides you haven’t been able to walk yet, have you?”

Nick flipped the blankets off his legs. “I’ll walk to the bathroom right now then.”

This time it was Dr. Andersen’s eyes that grew wide. “You stay where you are! When I read your chart I see that you fell out of bed yesterday----”

“I did not!”

“I will make arrangements for physical therapy to come to your room to work on strengthening exercises before we can consider anything else.”

“I want to go home!” Nick protested weakly.

“Not until you’ve eaten solid foods and can walk twenty-five feet and not before,” the doctor stated. “I can make a phone call to Brian, you know.”

Nick shook his head in defeat. “Don’t bother Brian, he’s just gonna agree with you. Everyone is against me I guess.”

Dr. Andersen rubbed Nick’s shoulder. “We’re not against you Nickolas, we just want you to get better. I know we’ve talked about letting you go home, but you’ve had some setbacks so I don’t think it will happen as soon as you’d like.”

Nick nodded mutely, wiping the tears that had fallen on his cheeks. “So if I can eat and walk, I can go home, right?”

“That’s part of the plan, but you’re forgetting we need to start the higher chemo.”

Nick groaned. “Please can I just skip the chemo for a week? I’ve been off the treatments for a month I’m guessing so what would another week be?”

“I know you’re tired of this, but as an oncologist and your doctor, I can only disagree with you on that one. You’ll be glad you did this before you go home. Now how about I order you something besides the cream of wheat? Do you really want to try something different?”

Nick looked at the doctor suspiciously. “Different as in what?”

Dr. Andersen smiled. “Different as in a plate of scrambled eggs.”

Nick nodded his head vigorously in reply.

“Okay, I’ll get the nurse to order you a plate and schedule PT to start you on walking and strengthening and hopefully we can get some of the anti nausea meds figured out on you today so we can start on the chemo.”

“Yippee,” Nick mumbled.

Laying on his side, he tried closing his eyes, praying that the queasiness would subside when he woke up., but sleep wouldn’t come. Instead a squeaking on the linoleum floor announced that someone was entering the room. Faking he was sleeping, Nick silently hoped that whoever was in his room would leave.

His mission was accomplished when he heard the sounds of the squeaking leave the room. Once he was certain they had left, he opened his eyes, searching the room to make sure he was alone. He then spotted an item that was out of place.

A walker.

“What the fuck is that doing in here?” Nick questioned outloud. It couldn’t be for him! They must have made a mistake. His usual day nurse came into the room, carrying a clear IV bag.

“Good morning Nick, how are you feeling?”

“Like shit......Gretta, why did someone leave that thing in here?”

The red haired nurse looked over to the corner where Nick was pointing.

“The walker? That’s yours.”

“I ain’t no freakin old fart, I can walk without one of those...” Nick protested.

“Dr. Andersen and physical therapy ordered it for you.”

“I don’t need it.”

The young nurse quickly changed the subject, not wanting to argue with Nick. “So you said you feel like shit? Didn’t breakfast set well on your tummy?”

Nick rolled his eyes. ‘Why do they always insist on speaking about his anatomy like he was a two year old?’ “Stomach,” he corrected, “and no it didn’t sit good.”

Gretta nodded as she listened to her patient. Hanging the IV up on the pole, she reached for an alcohol prep pad to wash off the port on Nick’s chest. “Well hopefully this stuff will help you to feel a bit better.”

“What is it?”

“The new chemo med doctor ordered.”

Nick eyed the bag warily. “Great, I’ll never get up to walk being tethered to that crap now.”

“It’s only going to take probably an hour to drip, so don’t get all antsy,” Gretta sympathized. “Besides, I hear you’re going to have some company in a little bit.”

Nick’s mind raced with the thought of visitors coming to his room. “Do you know who?”

“Angie from PT.”

“Peachy,” Nick groaned.

“I’ll be back in awhile to check on how you’re doing with the meds, need anything?”

Nick shook his head, sighing. He looked over toward the walker, he absolutely hated the idea of having to use something to help him get around. Tears welled up into his eyes. There was no way he would be caught dead using that! Only old people use walkers and canes. Not him! He wasn’t old....he was sick with cancer!

Cancer that didn’t seem to be getting better for him......

”Unless you start eating and walking, you won’t be able to get better and go home Nickolas.” Dr. Andersen’s words echoed in his mind as he stared at the steel walker.

Sighing heavily, Nick resigned himself to using the device.

”I have to get better...and I’ll do what I have to so I can leave here on my own two feet and not in a body bag.”

"Are you saying that I don´t care about my own children?"

Aaron winced.

His mom and dad were fighting. Again. The paperthin walls left nothing for the imagination. They were yelling, name calling and accusing each other of lying. Once again he found himself and his siblings being stuck in a battle between his parents. This was more and more common these days and if they were not fighting about the children it was about work or money.

He´d seriously thought that once they had found out about Nick’s sickness it would all stop. But No! It was like the stress they were under caused them to fight even more, when in reality it should´ve been the opposite. He knew that Angel was just as effected over this as he was and it was only Bobbie Jean and Leslie that didn´t care, at least not anymore. The reason for this attitude was that they had each moved out of the house and had left more or less the family to their own.

Before Nick got sick he had been like a big brother. Taking care of them all, especially when his parents were fighting. But now he had more of his own problems to deal with and Aaron didn´t want to turn to him for advice or comfort.

This left him pretty much alone to handle it all.

Sitting up in his bed he thought about how much he missed his siblings. Angel was doing a model shoot and could therefore not be with him. Because they were twins they had a pretty special relationship, but not as special as he had with Nick. His older brother had always been his idol and he remembered when he was little and used to want to be like Nick. Then his brother had changed and they had drifted apart. Not much, but enough for them to not spend so much time together anymore.

"Stop being so selfish!" The tone was filled with anger.

"Selfish? Me?" His mom was mad. "It´s easy for you to judge me when you´re not doing anything to improve the situation." He guessed that tears would soon follow. "When did you ever help out anything?"

There was a heated response coming from his dad and Aaron did his best to block out the sounds by turning up the volume on the stereo. To his dispair he found that they were playing "Show me the meaning of being lonley" and upon hearing this song he felt his stomach constrict. Quickly he turned it off before the ache in his heart would be too large. It was better to listen to his mom and dad fighting than having to deal with the wound that thinking about his brother caused.

His mom cried.

A knot was forming in the base of his gut, making him nauseous. Swallowing hard he did his best to get the lump down his throat to vanish. Only to notice that it was still there, growing, ready to choke him up.

Part of him wanted so desperately to run away. Escape from it all. The other part wanted them to stop fighting. To be friends again, if not for his sake at least for Nick’s. He wanted to tell them that they should all go and visit Nick since it had been a couple of days or more since they last saw him. AJ had told him about the bone marrow transplantation and even if he didn´t want his brother to go through such a procedure he also knew that this could be the only chance for survival.

Even if he wanted nothing more than to be with Nick he was equally scared to see him. His own days were filled to the brim with meetings and appointments. Obligations that he had to fulfill or else his whole professional carreer would be a long gone memory. But he was only 14, going on 15 and he longed to be out there with his friends. Playing B-ball, shooting hoops, scuba diving. But most of all he longed to be with Nick.

"How can you say that? Have I not been there for my children? His mother cried. "I´ve done everything for them and still you accuse me of not doing enough."

He had a hard time figuring out what his dad was saying since he had calmed down and was talking with a softer voice. His hope that the fight would be soon over quickly dimished when Jane’s voice rose suddenly. "I´ve done everything for them. Touring, taking care of the business, helping them out and now you´re saying that I´m a no good mother. When was the last time you helped one of them out?" The words were said in defense.

There were lots of accusations from each sides as they were getting deeper into the fight. He could hear his name being mentioned several times and for once Aaron was actually greatful that none of the guys were at home, listening to what was being said.

"If you had paid more attention to the children maybe this.."

Jane interrupted him.

"THAT was low! Do you honestly think that its simple being a mother of five and also a manager, a successful one, " she added. It was more a statement then a question. "You know very well that neither Nick nor Aaron would´ve made it if I wasn´t there to support them!"

Aaron couldn´t help but sigh. This was one conversation that he´d heard before. At first he´d felt bad when topics like this come up. Nowdays however he didn´t pay much attention.

The times when he´d talked to Nick about his mom and dad fighting about stuff he was told that he should try and forget it all. He´d done that, tried, but to no avail. There were times when he´d wished he was just as strong as Nick, especially when it came to getting them to stop running his life.

Several years back Nick had cut the relation with his parents. He knew it had something to do with his ex girlfriend Manda, who his mother had never liked. It had also something to do with money, but then when didn´t it? Jane had thought that his brother was throwing his life away being with a girl that only lived with him for money and fame. And when Nick didn´t want to move with them to Cali there had been a fight. His brother had stormed out of the house screaming "Fuck you all!" and they had broke all contact. Aaron remembred that he felt devastated that Nick didn´t want to come to the house anymore. He only got to talk with him on the phone.

Then one night, more than six months later, his brother had showed up on one of Aaron’s concerts.

The memory made him smile. He´d never forget it as long as he lived. The feeling when his "long lost" brother came up on stage and told him that he loved him. Tears had rolled down his cheeks and the whole world could see his emotions. Yet he didn´t care. That his brother was back was all that mattered. Still it was the words he´d said backstage that left the most memories. "I promise squirt," he said while giving him a hug. "I promise I´ll never leave you again. Never."

His dads voice brought him back to reality.

"You´re running the kid too hard!"

"If Aaron is going to have a chance in this business he has to work. Work hard just like Nick!" There were a pause before she continued. "And this can´t be done being cooped up here in Tampa. We need to go back to LA!"

So that´s what they were arguing about? His mom wanted them to leave! To go back home to LA. Aaron felt his stomach constrict. But what would happend to Nick if he left? What if he wouldn´t be able to see him again? Ever?

The thoughts scared him just as much as it had done hearing about that bone marrow transplantation. AJ had told him about it. At first he had thought it was wierd that his brother was going to be his own donor but then he didn´t think much about it. He was willing to try anything just to get Nick healthy again.

"And what about Nick?" His dad asked the question he was thinking. "Isn´t he worth anything to you?" There were a few seconds of silence before he continued, "Jane our oldest his sick, maybe dying and all you care about is business. How can you be so cold?"

His mom was now crying. Hysterical.

"You act like I don´t care about Nick," she cried. "He´s my baby boy, my oldest. I love him and you know it."

Aaron could hear his dad trying to calm her down. It worked in the beginning but then he must have said something wrong beacuse she rose her voice again. His heart pounded faster. He wanted them to stop. Stop before they said something that they would regret. Stop before they said something that he didn´t want to hear.

"That´s it! That´s it!" His mother yelled hysterical. "I´m going home and I´m taking Aaron with me!"

'Noooo,' Aaron mentally screamed.

"And don´t you dare stop me," there were treath in her voice, "I´m booking a flight right now and we´re leaving the first thing in the morning."

He´d heard enough!

A desperate feeling of wanting to get out of the house swept all over him. He was certain he would suffocate if he stayed. With that in mind he ran out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him in an attempt to get attention. It worked as his dad called out, "Aar?"

Running down the stairs Aaron felt a desperate need to get out of the house or he was certain he would suffocate. With that he rushed out, slamming the door hard behind him. AS he was running down the stairs he could hear his mother calling for him "Aaron honey!" and when he ignored her she said irritated to his dad, "Now see what you did!"

Tears ran down his cheeks. There were no way he was going to leave Nick. Not when he was this ill! Grabbing the keys on the counter he ran outside to driveway. There outside was Nick’s red Porsche. Quickly he opened the car door and then jumped in. With shaky hands he turned on the ignition key, intending to get away from there as fast as possible.

Aaron had no driving license, yet he didn´t care. He´d drove a car on several occasions so he knew pretty much how to drive.

"Aaron stop!" It was his dad screaming for him as he came running outside, his mother in a tow. "Don´t do anything stupid!"

Ignoring their words he put the clutch in and then drove off in full speed, the tire squealing in the process.

He had to get out of there. Had to get to Nick! And nothing could stop him..nothing!!!

Tugging a hand through his blond hair, Aaron shifted his stance nervously, avoiding the stares of the two young girls that shared the elevator with him. He couldn’t help but overhear the whispers of the two; his stomach twisted into knots.

It wasn’t until the elevator stopped at the floor he wanted did the girls summon the courage to speak loud enough for Aaron to hear. “Aaron, we’re sorry to hear about Nick, could you let him know that we hope he’s gonna be better soon.”

“Thanks,” Aaron mumbled as he exited the elevator.

He walked with uncertainty down the corridor toward the ICU wing where Nick was at. Aaron hadn’t been up to see his brother for a few days and since he wasn’t paying too close attention to his surroundings, he was unsure of where Nick’s room was.

He stopped at the nurses station and waited patiently for someone to acknowledge his presence. After a few minutes of watching the people dressed in scrubs occupying themselves with paperwork and answering patient’s call lights, Aaron cleared his throat.

“Um.....excuse me,” he started out softly. It became apparent that no one heard him so he coughed into his hand. “Excuse me can you tell me what room Nick is in?”

A short, fat, gray haired nurse stopped writing on the chart that was in front of her and stared at Aaron over the top of her glasses.

“It’s past visiting hours, you’ll have to come back in the morning!” she huffed, going back to her papers.

“B-but I want to see my brother,” Aaron stammered.

The woman glared at Aaron. “That’s impossible, don’t you realize this isn’t a hotel?! People here are sick and they need their rest!”

“Aggie, I think it’s okay for him to see his brother,” a male nurse replied as he stepped away from the nurses station. “You’re Aaron Carter, right?”

Aaron managed a slight nod.

“Come on, I’ll take you down to Nick’s room,” he said as he started off down the hall. “Forget about Aggie, she’s a pain in the ass, I think she’s your brother’s favorite nurse.......not really, she’s a total pain in the ass. My name’s Shaun. Nick probably won’t be much company tonight, he’s had a rough night so far....”

“What’s wrong?”

“He started his new chemo and it isn’t agreeing with him too well,” Shaun explained.

Even before they reached the door to ICU room number three, Aaron could hear the distinctive sounds of moaning. His heart leapt into his throat as he wrung his hands. He was hoping that what he heard wasn’t Nick......he was wishing that maybe it was someone else.

“Hey Nick, look who came by to check up on you,” Shaun announced as they walked into the dimly lit ICU room.

Aaron stayed back by the door, unsure if he should follow the nurse into the room. The smell of sickness hung in the room. Swallowing nervously, he looked over toward Nick’s bed, finding his brother laying on his side, legs drawn up.

“Hey AC,” Nick croaked, pasting a slight grin on his pale face.

Aaron slowly walked up to his brothers bedside, his breath caught in his throat as he looked at Nick. The familiar bright ocean blue eyes were dull and red-rimmed, his skin a pasty gray. The fullness of his brother’s face also surprised the young teen.

Nick noticed the expression on Aaron’s face. “I’m not contageous,” he stated weakly as he held out his hand. “C’mere.”

Aaron walked slowly toward the bed, his eyes filling with tears.

Aaron scooped Nick’s hand into his. “You’re so cold...”

Nick ignored his little brothers comment, trying to look past his shoulder. “So who came up with you?”

Shaun quickly pulled a blanket out of a steel cabinet and spread it across Nick’s body. “You’re suppose to say something if you feel uncomfortable.”

“You’d be in here all the time then Shaun,” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes. He then gave Aaron’s hand a gentle squeeze. “So?”

Aaron jerked, looking down at Nick with a puzzled expression. “Huh?”

“So who came up with you?”

“Nobody.”

“In the waiting room?”

“No one came with me,” Aaron quietly admitted.

“How did you get here then?”

“Um, I drove....”

“AC you.....”

Before Nick could finish his sentence, a sudden wave of nausea swept over him and he quickly pulled his hand out of Aaron’s grasp, reaching for the plastic emesis basin. Aaron could only wince as Nick’s bouts of dry heaves left him gasping for air before another wave would hit him again, wretching over the curved basin, spitting bile after he was finished.

Laying back into the pillow, a soft moan escaped Nick’s lips. “S-sorry,” he quietly apologized.

“Nick don’t apologize.....I’m the one that’s sorry...” Aaron corrected.

“What are you sorry for?”

“I drove your Porsche,” Aaron admitted quietly.

“I don’t care about the car goof head, you could have gotten into an accident and gotten hurt....”

Aaron grinned. “I’m not a sucky driver like you Nick, I do know what I’m doing.”

“Okay....okay, I know I suck, but why didn’t you have Kevin or AJ bring you?”

“They weren’t around..”

“Mom and Dad?”

“Um, they were busy fighting,” Aaron mumbled.

Nick could feel his heart beating faster. “What about this time?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it, I’m here to see you.”

Nick grabbed Aaron’s hand, squeezing it as best as he could manage. “What were they fighting about?”

“The usual shit.”

Nick remained silent as he looked sadly up at his brother, waiting for Aaron to unload the burden he was carrying; the heart monitor and oxygen saturation monitor beeps breaking the silence that hung in the room.

“She wants to take me back to LA to work,” Aaron sobbed.

Nick sadly shook his head. “Things never change with her....I’m so sorry AC.”

“God all she does is run me day in and day out Nick. I want to be with you not in LA. She doesn’t understand....I hate her!”

“Don’t say that Aaron,” Nick softly reprimanded.

“It’s true.....I hate her Nick!”

“AC she’s only does what she does cause she thinks it’s for the best I guess,” Nick quietly theorized.

”AARON CHARLES CARTER!”

Nick and Aaron both winced when they heard their mother’s voice bellowing in the hospital room.

Jane Carter rushed into the room, stopping short of Nick’s bed, putting a hand over her mouth. “Oh my dear sweet Jesus! What have they done to my baby...”

“He’s sick mom,” Aaron spat angrily.

“His beautiful face....oh my,” Jane cooed as she approached the bed.

Aaron glared at his mother. “Is that all you care about is how we look? Are you scared that it might rub off on me or something!?”

“Aaron don’t,” Nick said softly.

“Don’t you dare speak to me that way! I’m your mother!”

“Yeah a mother that doesn’t give a shit about her kids,” Aaron mumbled.

This time it was Jane that narrowed her eyes. “What did I hear you just say?”

“Please....don’t fight,” Nick pleaded.

“Nicky your face is so swollen....that doctor doesn’t know what she’s doing to you,” Jane cried. “I should have put my foot down and had you flown to that specialist in LA when I had the chance.”

“Ma, I’m sure it’s okay,” Nick replied.

“Don’t think for a minute that I’ve forgotten how you stole your brother’s car and drove here young man!” Jane snorted as she wagged a finger at Aaron.

“I already know about it ma, it’s okay,” Nick remarked.

“It’s okay?” Jane asked incredilously. “He did something that was illegal not to mention that your father was going to call the police to report your car stolen before I stopped him---”

“Try telling the truth Jane, it was you that was going to call the police,” Bob Carter snapped as he entered the hospital room.

Jane whirled around staring blankly at Bob. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about Jane.”

The bickering between the two continued as Aaron stood off to the side, unshed tears welling in his eyes and the heart monitor rhythm quickly stepping up it’s pace.

“Oh God...” Nick moaned as he leaned over the emesis basin once more when a bout of dry heaves wracked his stomach.

“Can’t you see what you’re doing to him Bob?” Jane cried as she hurried over to Nick’s side to comfort him.

“ME? What about you?”

”STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING!” Aaron shouted tearfully at his parents while Nick was wretching into the emesis basin.

“You’re going to all have to leave now,” Shaun stated sternly as he entered the room. “You are disturbing Nick and he needs rest.”

Holding her had out, Jane held her head high. “Come along Aaron.”

Aaron planted his feet, refusing to move. “I’m not going.”

“Didn’t you hear the nurse sweetheart? He said we have to go,” Jane pleaded in a sweet voice.

“Let AC stay,” Nick interrupted when he caught his breath. “I don’t wanna be alone.”

“I just gave you something to help you sleep Nick, he might as well go home with your parents,” Shaun replied.

“I don’t wanna be alone,” Nick repeated.

“Come on Jane, if Nick wants Aaron with him, we should let him....”

“But I’m booking a flight for the morning and he needs to be ready to go,” Jane interrupted.

Tears slipped down Nick’s cheeks as he listened to his parents argue over his brother.

“Aaron, I’ll see tomorrow, call me if you need me,” Bob Carter said as he kissed the top of the young boy’s head. Reaching over he wiped the tears from his oldest son’s face. “I love you Nick.”

The scene that could have been a tender moment for all was pierced when he grabbed Jane’s arm. “Let’s go.”

True the nurse’s words, it didn’t take long before Nick succumbed to the medication and fell asleep. Soon the young blonde had nodded off to sleep while he sat in the chair beside his brothers bed; his hand lightly grasping Nick’s.

Aaron dreamt of the carefree times he spent with Nick; playing basketball, swimming in the gulf, riding in the boat....His dreams had even taken him back to the younger times in his life when Nick was thirteen and he was six:

“I’ll miss ya squirt,” Nick said as he playfully rubbed Aaron’s hair.

“Cut it out!” Aaron protested as he tried to flatten his hair back.

“You like it and you know it!” Nick teased.

“I don’t want you to leave but can I have your stereo when you’re gone?”

“NO WAY! YOU LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE DINK!”

“Boys stop the fighting, and don’t push your brother you might hurt him,” Jane reprimanded.

A long steady pinging replaced the words that were coming from Nick’s mouth. Aaron jerked awake, bleary eyes scanning the room as a nurse rushed in.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron questioned with fear in his voice as he watched the male nurse press buttons on a machine.

“It’s nothing, Nick was laying wrong and it cut his sats, he’s fine,” the man reassured.

“His what?”

“Oxygen saturation levels, he’s fine Aaron,” Shaun stated.

Aaron ran a tired hand through his hair.

“Can’t sleep?”

“I shouldn’t sleep,” Aaron guility admitted. “Nick didn’t want to be left alone.”

“I don’t think he meant for you not to sleep,” Shaun added with a grin. He leaned against Nick’s bed. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m not the patient,” Aaron said.

“Well, you are his brother and I can see that you’ve got a lot of things going on here.”

Aaron glanced at Nick’s sleeping form. “I just worry about my brother...like no one tells me whats going on with him like they’re trying to protect me or something I guess.”

“What do you know about Nick?” Shaun quietly asked.

“Just that he’s sick and you said he got more chemo stuff, but no one has told me what is going on,” Aaron’s voice trailed off. He quickly looked the nurse in the eyes. “He’s not gonna die is he?”

“Whoa.....that was quick! Why are you asking me that?”

“You’d probably know better than anyone else would working in this place and all I mean.”

“Your brother is actually a pretty tough guy and I mean that. He is no doubt in a lot of pain, but I’ve rarely seen him cry or ask for things to ease his pain.”

“He hurts?”

“Cancer can be pretty painful, I mean we’re talking about a disease thats attacking his body, so yeah Nick is in constant pain.”

“God no one ever told me that,” Aaron whispered.

“There’s probably a lot of things you don’t know about your brother. He’s getting this higher chemo because he wants to try a bone marrow transplant with himself as a donor,” Shaun explained.

“Oh my God, he’s that bad? I thought he was getting better,” Aaron cried. “I thought people had to donate to the person not him getting his own stuff.”

“Thats an option that was presented to your brother but he faught Dr. Andersen on that, he said something about not wanting to have anyone go through the pain he is going through.”

Aaron stared at his brother’s swollen face in wonderment and awe. “I would do it for him, I would do anything for him. He can be so stubborn.”

“That’s a good quality for a cancer patient to have and your brother has enough stubborness to circle the entire oncology wing and back,” Shaun smiled.

Aaron returned Shaun’s smile.

“I told you more than what I should have, but I know that Nick wouldn’t mind, he needs to have someone in his corner so to speak.”

“I’m glad you told me cause I’m gonna kick his scrawny butt when he gets better,” Aaron concluded.

“Kick his butt? Why?”

Aaron softly rubbed his brother’s hand. “Cause he’s too stubborn to speak up and ask for help when he needs it.”

“Ah.”

“Shaun, can you stay with my brother while I go to the bathroom? I don’t want to leave him in case something happens.”

“I can do that, go on, nothing will happen to him while you’re gone,” Shaun promised.

“Thanks...I’ll be back in a minute.”

With that said, Aaron walked out of the room toward the public restrooms; a plan formulating in his head.

Nick was never going to be alone and if and when it did come down to a donor for bone marrow he would do it. He would save Nick’s life. No question about it.

Everyday was the same!

He was either sleeping, taking small walks, eating, puking, getting tested or playing video games. Oh and also getting a visit or two from the guys. The last part was actually what kept him going. If it wasn´t for them or Aaron he would have probably thrown in the towel a long time ago.

His doctor had been right when she said that the new chemo would be aggressive. It was more of an understatement and as if things were not bad enough no medication seemed to help either. He just had to suffer and hope that it would be over soon so he could have that bone marrow transplant.

He just hoped that he didn´t have to be on this crap when he would be allowed to go back home. If he was he had no clue how he could manage. Unfortunately, Dr. Andersen had told him that because of his set backs, he had to wait one more week before they could let him go home. He´d been pissed as hell at that time but he also realized that she was right. After all he guessed that he had to at least be well enough to wipe his own ass when the time came cause he didn´t want any of the guys doing that kind of crappy task.

Aaron had left. As did his mom and dad. At first he hadn´t thought much about his folks, that he missed them. But as days rolled by he had to admit that at least they had been some company. Aaron was a different story. He missed him so much that it made his eyes swell over with tears. What if he would never see that squirt again?

It had felt so good that his little brother had spent time with him the other day. He missed Aaron so much and even though he wanted nothing else but to be with him he was afraid that all he did was scare him. But his little brother had proved otherwise. He admired the strength that he´d showed when he sat there talking to him, even though Nick spent most of the time with his head in a plastic bowl or dozing off. Suffering the ill effects of the chemo. But Aaron had stayed and they talked. The whole night.

His mom had told him a story that BJ was in trouble with her ex-boyfriend but Nick didn´t believe that kind of crap. Ok it was no surprise that his sister was in deep shit and if she was and if he was well he would have kicked that boyfriend’s ass so hard that he would have had spit toenails for months. It was just that Nick figured out that it had something to do with business. As a matter of fact it always had something to do with business for his mother. It wasn´t that he thought she didn´t love him. No it was more that he thought she was afraid to show him that she loved him. Like she would break or something if she admitted that. Have a nervous breakdown.

Come to think of it. He had never seen his mother being on the verge of a breakdown. He, himself, had several but she always acted strong. His dad didn´t show much feelings either, maybe he was just as afraid.

Nick sighed. He was too tired to think about such matters.

Kevin, AJ and Howie came in regularly. It felt so good talking about them about the life outside and D had told him that every day there were bags of get well cards from fans that wanted to wish him all the best. This made his eyes water. If it was something he cared about it was the fans. That and music. Howie had also told him that lots of journalists tried to get them to talk too but so far they had been pretty quiet. Nick was grateful for that. He had never minded talking about the music but when it came to his private life he wanted to be just private.

AJ and Kevin tried to cheer him up and on those days he wasn’t puking or having the worst of chills from the chemo they actually did things together. AJ had taken him on a wheelchair ride through the corridors, ‘checking out chicks.’ At first, Nick thought it was stupid. After all he wasn´t 15 anymore, but when his friend had told him that he needed to get out from there for a while he´d accepted and actually rode around the cancer section. Just only to notice that he wasn´t alone. They hadn´t seen any ‘chicks’ on that ride. Instead they had met people, children, that was just as sick as he was. At first Nick had felt sick to his stomach, having a hard time digesting it but then he´d come to realize that this was his life. His fate. And he wasn´t alone with his burden.

Kevin on the other hand hadn´t taken him out on any rides. Instead they had talked about the old times. Nick liked talking about those days. They were happy. Not filled with any problems that he couldn´t deal with. His older brother had also seemed satisfied to talk about it and they had actually laughed together. This was not something that happened very often these days. As a matter of fact that was not something that had happened very often at all.

Kevin was a serious man and the age difference between them had left them open to conflicts. Yet Nick could never forget that time in an interview when Kevin had said he wished he could be as carefree as him. It had surprised him greatly since even if he didn´t want to admit it, Kevin was a big idol to him. Someone that he looked up to and he had found him self saying that he wished he was as strong hearted as his big bro. Kevin had looked just as surprised and he´d asked "Strong hearted or strong headed?" He´d responded "Strong hearted" and Kevin had looked happy over the words. Happy and grateful.

It had all been true. Kevin was someone that Nick could relate to. He was the rock that he could lean against when the wind blew too hard.

Brian had also called. Sometimes several calls a day. He had told him that he wanted to make sure that Nick was getting better and also that he wanted to keep an eye on him so he didn´t flirt too much with the good looking nurses. Nick had laughed, saying that there were not any, unless he wanted him to go gay on him. They had joked for a while, but Nick knew that there was something more to him calling. It was like Brian was feeling guilty for leaving him when he needed him the most. But he didn´t blame him.

Family had always been important for Brian and he could understand that he wanted to be with his wife when their baby would soon be born. Leighanne didn´t want him to be gone anyway and he thought that Brian would be better off with her than staying with him. After all he did these days was feel sick. The last time Brian had called he´d sound very happy, that if you counted off the time when he had called and Nick had been high as a kite after the bone marrow test, and he felt very happy for him. Brian had told Nick that Leigh had been at the OB doctor and that she thought that the baby would soon be born.

Nick hoped so too. For many reasons.

He wished he would be able to see the kid. The little mini Brian. Their first Backstreet Baby. He also hoped that he would be well enough to hold Brian’s first born. Or even better that he would be alive.

Even if Nick loved kids and had a pretty good hand with them, especially after taking care of several younger siblings, having a baby of his own had never been high on his list. Until now.

Spending his time in bed all day left him thinking. Thinking about life and what he wanted his future to be like. That is if he got one.

He´d always seen himself as a player. A real woman’s man that wouldn´t want a wife or kids, at least not any time soon. After all he was only 23. Young and rich, on top of the world. But fate had proved him differently and these days he´d longed for someone to love. A woman, a girlfriend that could be by his side when things were rough. Someone that he could share his pain with and that wouldn´t leave him when life became too hard or ugly.

There had been so many girls running in and out of his life. More than he could ever count. But none of them had managed to capture his heart. The only one that had been close to doing that was Manda. Even if people said she was bad for him he still loved her and it hurt so much when they broke up. It also resulted that he had a hard time coping with love, and being loved and in result this followed him in every step he took.

Then it was that other part. Children. Dr. Andersen had told him that it was questionable that he would never be able to father children on his own. His bouts with the agressive chemo was to blame and what hurt him was that even if he managed to beat the cancer, some of the side effects would still be with him. Controlling him for life.

"Hi Nick!" A female voice said to him, startling him in his own thoughts. Looking up he noticed it was Cyndi, one of his favorite nurses coming in through the door.

She was one young and good looking brunette. Just watching her made him feel warm inside and her breautiful eyes also left him feel happy in a wierd way.

"Oh Hi!" He smiled widely, putting on his charm. Or as much charm as he could laying there in the bed, bald headed in hospital pants and a worn out Yankee shirt.

"You seem to be in a good mood today," she smiled back. "Had a good night?" With that she walked over to his bed, putting a small tray with a shot on his bedstand.

He knew it was time for his chemo session yet he didn´t want to let it set him down.

"How can I not? When something foxy as you walks into the room." Another smile, known as the Backstreet smile was flashed and she laughed back.

"You´re such a charmer."

"No," he shook his head, "I´m telling the truth. You look hot!"

Even if Nick knew he probably looked like hell, being bald and skinny, he still knew how to get a woman to fall for him. What tricks to use. Sick or not.

"Well thanks Mr. Carter," she said with a chuckle. "You don´t look too bad yourself."

'Yeah right!' Nick thought but didn´t let it on. Instead he caught a glance on his finger, trying to see if she was carrying a ring. When he found none he let out a breath of relief. Maybe..just maybe he had a chance on her. At least in his imagination.

"You really get me hot by just looking at you. Your nurse costume and everything. You give me dirty thoughts!" He grinned like the cat that ate the canary.

"Oh yeah," she looked at him with a twitch in her eye. "Makes you wanna play, huh?”

"Yeah!" He nodded with anticipation. God he really liked this nurse. She was fun, she made him laugh and that was something he needed right now.

"Good," she continued while biting off the cap of the syringe. "Then you can have something else to think of when I prep you for your chemo."

The words had him groan. He was in for his daily hell. "Spoilsport." Suddenly he didn´t feel so charming anymore.

She patted his hand in comfort. "I know it feels bad but Dr. Andersen has ordered a new anti nausea medication for you." She fingered with his IV. "I´m going to give it to you and hopefully it´ll do the trick and kick in soon."

Looking up Nick felt his hope dimish. 'Doubt that,' he thought darkly. The he decided that such a matter wouldn´t bring his good mood down and instead asked a question that been on his mind ever since he lay his eyes on this beauty. "You´re married?"

"No." She concentrated on her task.

"Boyfriend?" Hope rose a knot. "This is gonna burn a bit," she warned as she injected the shot into his IV line.

Nick nodded. He was used to pain. She was right. It burned a bit but nothing he couldn´t handle. Instead he waited for his question to be answered.

It was like she´d read his mind cause she answered, "Nope. Not that either."

"Oh!" So there could be hope after all? He didn´t dare to hope but could feel his heart pounding faster. Then a suspicious thought popped up in his head. Why was someone as good looking as she was single? He just had to ask.

"Lesbian?" Oh God he said it out loud. Please don´t say that it´s like that! He pleaded with his inside.

There was a chuckle. "No. What makes you say that?"

If he hadn´t felt embarressed before he was now. Talk about screwing up! "Eh..Uh..eh..nothing." Shit now he was stuttering too. She looked at him with curiosity in her eyes. He had to answer even if he didn´t want to. "Ju..just wondering why..why a hottie like you is single..you know." Man did he feel like an ass! A complete dork. Now all his chances to even talk to the girl was blown away.

"Oh."

There were a brief silence when Nick thought he would pass out and die. She was fiddling with the shot and he wished he´d never said a word. God why couldn´t he keep his mouth shut?

"I´ll guess I haven´t found Mr. Right yet," she answered after a long wait.

He let out a long breath filled with relief then said without thinking, "Me neither."

A smile flashed in her eyes. "I didn´t know that you were gay?"

"What?" Nick about died. "Me Gay? Noooo!!" Not that he had anything against gays. He´d met several through out the years. The entertainment industry was filled with them. But one thing he knew for sure was that he was all into girls. Definately.

"Good," she giggled. "'Cause you said that you hadn´t found Mr. Right yet."

"Oh..yeah." He laughed. A bit embarressed. It felt so good to release the tension that was building up inside of him. Laughing took the problems away, if only for a minute or two. "That´s not what I mean," he explained, red in his face. "I mean I haven´t found anyone to share my heart with..you know." God now he was getting mushy. Must be from the medication.

"I know," she said before putting a blanket over his legs. "I have to get going for now, but I´ll be back once the medication has started to work. Do you need anything before I leave?"

'Yeah you' he wanted to stay but instead shook his head. "Nah I´m fine."

"Ok." She picked up her tray and was about to open the door when she turned around. "Nick I´m sure everything will be fine."

He nodded. Not saying anything. Partly from watching her moves, thinking that she looked like a model, partly beacuse he was afraid that if he spoke right now he would brake into tears. Telling her how miserable he felt and how much he longed for someone to love him. And there had been enough mush of that already.

"I´m sure you´ll find someone." she said with a light voice with an attempt to cheer him up. "Soon." With that she left the room and he was all alone again. Alone with his thoughts and his pains.

How could he tell her that he already did? If he had the chance and hadn´t been laying here in bed all sick he would have asked her out. But then he knew that if he hadn´t been sick he wouldn´t have met her. His life had changed so much the past months. And it was like living in a roller coaster. Day by day.

'Maybe,' he thought. God how he hoped she was right about that last part. He didn´t want to live his life alone.

Nick held his breath as his frail hands took hold of the sides of the steel walker. Although his therapist was by his side, a hand holding onto the cloth belt that was wrapped around his waist, he still doubted his ability to get into a standing position from the wheelchair. He had failed so many times.

“Take your time,” Anna coached softly.

Sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth, Nick slowly rose out of the chair only to fall back before he could make it to a full standing position. “Shit....” he cursed quietly.

“Just take your time Nick.....think it out, you’re hurrying too much again this morning.”

Nick shook his head in dismay. Why would something so simple and automatic as standing up take too much concentration and effort?

Anna squated next to the wheelchair. “Nick, don’t beat yourself up over this, you’ve already done this so you know you can do it, you just have to take your time....”

Nick slapped his palms angrily on the armrests of the wheelchair. He opened his mouth to reply and then suddenly decided against it. Without telling the therapist of his intentions, he leaned forward and started to rise out of the wheelchair leaving Anna to spring up and quickly grab her patient’s waistband. “Geeze Nick, when you decide to do something you don’t waste any time do you?”

“Nope,” he huffed.

“When you’re ready, I want you to walk the parameter of the rehab area,” Anna directed.

”The entire area?” Nick groaned.

“Yes, you know the drill.”

Sweat dotted his face as Nick looked at the path in front of him. He had walked this floor several times already this week and although it was taking less time to manage, it still left him sapped of any strength by the time they were finished and it took every ounce of strength left in him to keep his head up before he made it back to his room.

“Can I do just five steps today?”

“Awww, how come you don’t want to do this?” Anna asked in a sympathetic voice.

“Cause I know I can and I kinda feel like it’s pointless. I mean I can walk and stuff and I can get out of a chair and sit down again, so why do I have to keep doing this?”

“Because Dr. Andersen won’t let you go home until you prove to her that you’re safely ambulatory, that’s why.”

“It’s not like I’m gonna be home by myself,” Nick protested, taking a shaky, shuffling move forward.

“True, but what about when you want to be by yourself?”

‘Like that will ever happen,’ Nick thought darkly.

As if Anna was reading Nick’s thoughts, she told him to stop and try to turn around.

Nick shuffled slowly with the walker, barely lifting his feet to walk. He thought about asking her why she decided to stop, but knew it would be better to accept the offer of being led back to the safe haven that the wheelchair provided.

After a few long moments of adjusting his body into a comfortable position in the wheel chair and before Nick could open his mouth to speak, Anna had briskly wheeled the chair over to a set of wooden stairs with a hand railing that led to nowhere.

”Stairs Anna?” Nick croaked.

“Yup, those are stairs Nick,” Anna replied lightly.

Nick’s mouth dropped open as he stared at the task that was placed before him. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”

“You have stairs in your house don’t you?”

“Yeah....sure I do, but I honestly don’t see the point in all of that...”

“Dr. Andersen’s orders Nick, remember, you can’t go home until she is certain you can take care of yourself,” Anna reminded him as she bent over to lock the wheels on the wheelchair.

“Ah there you are!”

Nick sighed a heavy sigh of relief when he heard Dr. Andersen’s familiar voice approaching him from behind.

“We’re just about to start working on the flight of stairs,” Anna announced as she lightly placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Right Nick?”

“Anna, you don’t need to be sending that poor man through all of that nonesense,” Dr. Andersen

Anna’s face flushed red with embarrassement when the older doctor dismissed her plans with Nick’s rehabilitative therapy.

“Nickolas, how do you feel today?”

“Um, good I guess,” Nick replied with a weak smile.

The older woman looked down at her patient; glasses perched on the end of her nose. “So how would you feel about being discharged by the end of this week?”

”Seriously?!”

“Well, I feel that we’ve done all that we can do for you for now and your good friend Mr. Richardson has made some arrangements for you....”

Nick groaned at the phrase.

“What’s with the....?” Dr. Andersen imitated Nick’s groaning.

“Awww, it’s nothing, you just mentioned Kevin making arrangements for me.”

“That’s a good thing,” Dr. Andersen reminded.

“You don’t really know how anal Kevin can be,” Nick corrected.

“Nonesense, you don’t realize what a good friend you have in him.”

Nick scratched his shoulder as he thought about what the doctor had just stated. “Yeah, I know I have good friends.”

“Well Mr. Richardson is working with the discharge planning nurse and will be getting things squared away at your house and I think that the attempts to learning how to ambulate the steps with your weakness is absolute rubbish since you will be staying on the main floor of your home.”

Nick looked at the doctor with a puzzled expression.

“He said something about setting up your study as a bedroom.”

“Peachy,” Nick mumbled as he envisioned his prized study room with the video games and his computer empty!.

“Don’t look so sad, I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Anna replied as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sure it’s not but you really don’t know Kevin,” Nick agreed quietly. “So why can’t I go home today?”

“Nickolas, we’ve been over this several times already, you do remember don’t you?”

“Yeah doc I remember, don’t worry the drugs haven’t totally fried my brain yet,” Nick snapped.

“You have to gain strength, prove to me you can eat solid foods and you have another round of chemo this afternoon.”

”Again?” Nick whined.

“Yes again.”

“But that stuff makes me look even more gross, like that’s even possible,” he protested.

“It’s the higher chemo Nickolas, I’m sorry but that is what happens when one gets prepped for the body to be ready for a bone marrow transplant,” the doctor explained. “You look...”

“Like shit,” Nick finished the sentence.

“I was going to say you look beautiful,” Dr. Andersen corrected.

Nick let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Only to you.”

Nick stared at the fluid that dripped into the clear tube from the IV bag. With each drop that fell, the only thoughts that popped into his head was that he was being filled with poison and it would only be a matter of hours before he would once again have his head hovering over the dreaded emesis basin gasping for air when the dry heaves would hit him once again.

As much as he hated what was happening with his life, Nick did as he had been told to do by Dr. Andersen and forced as much of the bland lunch down his throat as he could manage. After making it clear earlier to the doctor how much he hated Jello or anything that resembled Jello, lunch arrived disguised in the form of tasteless cream of chicken soup, a glass of grape juice, cup of hot tea and for dessert a small bowl of custard.

‘Alright, so at least it was better than an IV nutrition bag hanging from a pole, but I sure could sink my teeth into a hot slice of pizza followed by a tall glass of Coke,’ Nick thought wistfully, as he closed his eyes, desperate to find comfort in sleep.

“Nick will be happy to see you Brian, but I think he’s also going to be a little pissed too if you know what I mean,” Howie stated as he pressed the button on the elevator to the floor where Nick was on.

“Yeah but he’ll get over it,” Brian replied with a grin. “Gosh, it seems like forever since I last saw him, but I can’t stay away forever, I worry too much about him.”

“I know you do, but I guess I’m sorta surprised that you’d leave Leighanne.”

“She’s doing just fine as long as she sticks to the doctor’s orders. Besides, her mom is staying with her today and I thought it would be okay if I jumped on a charter with my friend Rick to Tampa and scoot back to Atlanta tonight. She needed some time alone with her mom anyway, they always get to jawin’ about female things and to be honest with you, I can’t sit and listen to that stuff,” Brian replied with grin and a wink.

Brian followed Howie off the elevator. Instead of taking the familiar path to the ICU room, Brian was surprised to see that they were going toward a different wing of the hospital.

“I thought Nick was still in ICU,” Brian whispered to Howie, wondering if the Latino was confused.

“He got a new room late this morning,” Howie replied cheerfully.

“So he’s getting better?”

“He’s in a new room, that’s all I know.”

“Well I can find ou---”

“Brian, just visit him okay, you don’t have to play the role of advocate all the time, just enjoy your visit,” Howie cut in.

“Geeze, a little edgy much?”

Stopping in the corridor, Howie turned to face his young band brother. “Kevin said that Nick is doing more chemo today, so I don’t know if he’s gonna be up to seeing us or not, do you think we should check with his nurse before we go in?”

Brian rolled his eyes. Howie was always the worry-wart of their group. “Nah, I’m sure if Nicky doesn’t want us in there he’ll tell us.”

Walking by the window that looked into Nick’s room, Brian stopped suddenly as he turned his body to face the window to look in on his best friend. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at Nick’s sleeping form in the hospital room.

“Oh my God,” he murmured. “Dear sweet Jesus.” Brian held a hand to his mouth as he looked at his friend sleeping in the bed. Howie quickly looked from Nick over toward Brian. “His face looks so bloated,” Brian whispered softly.

Howie nodded sympathetically. “I know, it’s the meds his doctor has him on right now.”

Brian closed his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to will the tears away. ”I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this,” he apologized in a hoarse whisper.

Howie placed a hand softly on Brian’s shoulder, patting it gently. “You don’t have to go in there just yet if you don’t want to.”

“Huh?”

“Nick’s sleeping, it’s not like he’d know we came by...”

“I didn’t come all the way down from Atlanta to look in at Nick through a glass window,” Brian interrupted in a harsh whisper.

Howie stepped back as if Brian’s words burned him. “No...no, I was only gonna suggest we go down and grab a cup of coffee, just to let you collect your thoughts.”

Brian sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, I’m just having a hard time dealing with what I’m looking at I guess.”

“It’s been almost a month that you’ve seen him, Nick’s been through a lot so I guess we don’t notice it as much as you would since we see him practically every day,” Howie rationalized.

Brian nodded. “Let’s go get some coffee. I can’t go in there to see him crying.” Looking through the window at Nick, the tears that Brian had been fighting off finally streamed down his cheeks, unchecked.

Howie patted Brian on the back, shaking Brian from his thoughts. “You gonna be okay man?”

His body quickly stiffened as if he became chilled. “Yeah.”

“Good, cause you’re buying,” the Latino said as he turned to walk away.

“Okay......hey!” Brian smiled as he caught up to Howie next to the bank of elevators. That was always so typical of D, trying to lighten up a bad situation. Grinning, Brian looked at his Backstreet brother through teary eyes. “Thanks D.”

Howie looked puzzled as they stepped onto the elevator. “For?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Just thanks.”

His head felt so heavy and his eyes were so sleepy. The medication that was being pumped into his blood stream was making him all loopy and he´d fallen asleep while taking another dose of the chemotherapy. Even if this medication was strong and made him more exhausted that he´d ever been in his life, counting ALL of the shows in the past, it was still a good drug. Mainly because it took away the pain as well as served to lessen the nausea that was otherwise way too severe for him to handle.

Someone was talking beside him, but he couldn´t make out their voices since his mind was too fuzzy and all he wanted to do was to sink further into oblivion. The noise from the IV pump was the only thing he could recognize and strangely it felt a bit comforting. Maybe it was because he was used to the sound by now. At first everything that had to do with chemo was scary, but now he was so used to it that he didn't even react when they told him that it was time for his next session. Throwing up had always been one of the worst things he ever did, but these days it was like any other habit. It was uncomfortable but nothing that he had control over and when he stopped fighting the sickness it had in some peculiar way lessened too. The shrink that he talked to told him that he had stopped fighting the treatment and then he had also surrendered his body, lost the control, and in the process his tension had lightened up. At first he´d thought it was just psychology crap but now he started to wondered if that shrink actually knew what he was talking about.

Slowly everything was becoming much clearer and there was a distinct sound of two people talking. Fighting the sleepiness he did his best to open his eyes and once he did he looked into a pair of blue eyes, that he´d seen many times before. The voice accompany them gave no doubt to who it was.

Brian Littrell!!!

"Brian?" Nick stared in surprise at his friend who smiled friendly at him. He felt so disoriented that for a moment he wasn´t sure if he was dreaming or not. Wasn´t Brian at home?

"Hey Dink. So you decided to wake up now? Still as sleepy as always." His long time friend grinned at him with a toothy white smile. "Nothing has changed since back in the days when we were touring."

"What are you doing here Jackass?" He grinned back.

"Getting insulted by you." Brian pretended to be hurt and sulked a few seconds before adding, "What does it look like dork? Visiting you of course."

"Why aren't you at home?" Nick had a hard time gripping the situation. His head felt so fuzzy. A disturbing thought popped up in his head. "Something happend with Leighanne? The baby?"

"No..No..She..I mean they are fine." Brian shook his head as to state that he was telling the truth. "Lee is doing great. As a matter of fact she is big and round, looking like a hippo."

"A hippo?" Nick giggled. "Really?" It felt so good to be back with Brian again. Laughing and joking. Just like they did in the old times.

"Yup." Brian nodded before holding a finger to his mouth in a hushed expression. "Shhh..but don´t tell anyone, especially her, that I told you so."

"Tell what?" Howie came into the room. Spotting that Nick was awake he smiled towards his friend. "Hi Nicky, glad to see you up and about." Gesturing towards the cell in his hand he continued, "Sorry just had to take a phone call. Business you know."

Nick laughed. This was so much like his friend. Doing business even if he was on a sick visit. "Sure." Gesturing towards a free chair he said, "We we´re just discussing how much Leighanne looks like a freaking hippo."

"Huh?" Howie looked confused. Then he smiled. "She does?"

"Yeah, at least Rok thinks so."

Turning towards his now embarressed friend who was soon becoming a dad Howie said with a calm but firm voice. "I don´t know but I don´t think that your wife would be too happy to hear such a thing."

"Probably not." Brian looked like he regretted his words. "I know that I should be greatful for it all, you know, but everything she does these days is crying and worry about stuff." With a sigh he mumbled, "that and eating chocolate and watching soaps and laying there, complaining and feeling sorry for herself." He groaned. "This is not the wife I married and if she is turning into this pregnant bundle of emotional hormones I don´t know how she will be when the baby is born."

Nick listened. Yet he had a hard time taking in the words. Sometimes they seemed a bit slurred and his head hurt more and more. Must be the chemo that was dripping through his veins.

"Are you alright?" Howie placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Yeah..yeah." Brian looked up briefly, but he looked everything but alright. "It´s just that..just that I don´t know if I´m ready for all this."

"Ready for what?"

"You know.." Brian looked at Howie, worry in his eyes. "The baby and all."

"Oh that!" The latino smiled. "You´re just nervous."

The Kentuckian shrugged. "Maybe you´re right." He twiddled his hands. "In anyway I´m not sure that I´m doing the right thing."

"Doing what?" Nick was doing his best to follow the conversation but it was starting to get too much. Maybe it was the fact that he was getting tired and his head felt like one gigantic mushroom or it was because the nausous feeling had started to make itself known and he didn´t know how long he would last until he would need the guys help with a basin. Or it was the fact that everything was so confusing, Brian being there and all. Whatever it was it was making him confused as hell. His brothers were once again talking about stuff that he had paid little or no attention to earlier and which he had no idea to cope with either. Stuff like marriages, children, family had never been high on his list.

"Don´t worry Brian." Howie hugged his friend's shoulder. "You´re just going through what every young man becoming a dad will do in a situation like yours. It´s called cold feet.

"Cold feet?" What kind of jibberish was Howie talking?

Brian didn´t act the same as Nick. "Yeah? And how do you know? I mean you have never been in a position like I am right now." He looked doubtfull.

"Real life and a big family." No further explanation was needed.

"OK." Brian ran a hand across his face in a tired gesture. "I know that I should be happy, but no matter how I try I can´t be." He sighed. "There are too many problems on my mind. I worry about if the birth will go allright and if Leighanne will be fine and.."

Howie interrupted him, "That´s just natural."

Brian held up a hand. "No wait." He draw back his breath before continuing, "I worry about if the baby will be fine and then how it will be to be a dad and then I worry if Nick will li.." He stopped himself, looking a bit uncomfortable.

There were silence in the room. A silence so heavy that you could hear a pin drop.

Nick was taking it all in and then said slowly. "You don´t think that I will live do you?" There were anger in his eyes. "Is this the reason why you come and see me? In case I will die before you get a chance to say good bye to me?"

"No..No!" Brian looked a bit chooked. "What makes you say that?" He shook his head several times. "It´s not that...It´s..Its.." He had a hard time finding the words.

"Then what is it?" Nick snapped, suddenly changing his mood drastically. "I thought that you came to visit me, not just making sure that I was alive or not." He looked hard at Brian. "But I´ll guess I was wrong. That I was misstaken on you, Brian Littrell."

Shocked over the sudden change of his friends personality Brian stuttered. "I was..I mean I am.." Now words came to his mind since this change had him both concerned and scared. His joking friend was suddenly transformed, almost to somebody else.

"If this is the kind of friend you wanna be..then..then." Nicks voice shuddered. "I have just one thing to say to you. GO!!! The words were harsh and unexpected.

Surprised over the sudden outburst both men tried to get their friend into other thoughts by talking calmly to him. "Nick calm down." Howie, the peacemaker was at it again, placing a comforting hand on his friends thin shoulder. "Brian didn´t mean it like that."

Nick looked up, shrugging his friends hand away. "Don´t" he warned. "Besides how can you tell what Brian means?" He looked at the older man. "You´re not him are you?"

Confused over these strange questions Howie tried to find another soloution. But failed. "Nick I.."

Too late.

"I said go!" he said coldly before adding, "I don´t want your pity. All I am is trouble for you anyway!"

"It´s not pity." Howie tried to do his best make his friend less tense. "And it certainly ain´t trouble. Nick we care for you and we wanna help you and.." He was cut off by a furious Nick.

"I said GET OUT!!! Both of YOU!!!"

"Calm down." Howie hadn´t given up hope.

"I am calm." Nick bit his teeth together. "It´s you that can´t follow orders."

Nick felt so confused. It was like he was talking but still he wasn´t. His brain felt like mush and there were thousands of strange thoughts popping up in his mind. Making it hard to think, making him feel wierd and annoyed. Irritated over everybody in the world and especially his two friends that he thought he was nothing but a nuissance. One big problem!

"I didn´t mean to.." Brian stared but was once again rudely cut off.

"What part of get out didn´t you get?" He glared at them, hostile shining in his eyes. "Let me re-phrase this. I want you two to GET OUT!!!! NOW!!! Or I will call for someone!"

"Nick don´t.."

"Leave..leave now. I´m tired" The tone was suddenly tired. Deafeated.

Howie felt he had to do what he could to stop this strange fight. "You can´t do this. Brian have come a long way to see you and.." he stopped as he saw Nick was starting to get up from his bed. "What are you doing?"

"Getting up!" He looked at them. "If neither of you are going then at least I have to leave the room." Placing his bare feet on the floor he stood up to stand when he felt the whole world come crashing against him. There were a low buzz in his ears and the world around him made a double spin and he felt his legs go weak. The edges around his vision blurred and before he knew what hit him he felt everything go black on him.

"Oh shit!" Brian as well as Howie rushed for his aid when they saw Nicks legs suddenly gave away under him and he was heading towards the floor. Quickly they manage to grab him by placing an arm under each of his armpits and with a motion they hosted him back on the bed. He was heavy but not as heavy as he´d been before. Nick had lost lots of weight which they could actually be happy for in a situation like this beacuse otherwise he would have dropped straight to the floor. Maybe hurting himself in the process.

"I´m calling a nurse." Howie stated, when they were safe with Nick on the bed. Pressing the call button he waited a few seconds for someone to call and then got nervous. "I´m getting someone." With that he was out of the room.

Brian was too busy to take notice since he was doing his best to retrive his friend from the fainting spell. "Come on Nick..come on." He slapped his friends face several times. "Wake up now."

> Nick stirred a few times before opening his baby blues. "What you´re doing here?" He wanted to know.

"God yo´re awake." was Brians first words in relief before adding, " What do you mean what I´m doing here? Don´t you remember? That I´m here to visit you."

Nick wasn´t making much sense. But then was he ever?

"Uh..I don´t know." Nick held a hand to his forehead and the gesture immediatly trigged his friends concern.

"Are you allright? Are you awake" There were worry in Brians face as his friend was spacing out again.

"Yeah..yeah..how can I be not, especially the way you´re slapping me in my face." Gone was the annoyed glitz in his friends eyes and instead a smile was toying at his lips. "I thought you were trying to give me a black eye."

Confused Brian looked at him. "So you´re not upset with me anymore? Wanting me to go?"

"NO!" Nick looked shocked. "Did I say that? He rubbed his forehead. "Should I be mad?"

"Eh..uh..I don´t know..you tell me?" Was this the same Nick as he had a fight with minutes ago? Was it true that he had no memory of meeting Brian before? Or was Nick pulling his leg again?"

In that moment Howie appeared in the door, a nurse in toe. "What happend?" she asked walking straight to her patient, making sure that everything was allright. She felt his forehead, looked into his eyes and then checked the IV before turning towards the men again. "Tell me what happend."

"I´ll guess I passed out." Nick mumbled, looking a bit embarressed.

"Yes your friend told me this, but he also said that there were a situation before too." She turned towards Brian, "Can you fill me in some information?"

Nodding Brian continue. "I don´t know really know where to start.."he coughed, "All I know was that we were talking and laughing when Nick suddenly got angry at me, at us..." He thought for a second, "and then he started to yell at us, wanting us to get out.."

"I did not!" Nick looked hurt.

Brian went silent and Howie choosed to continue, "We tried to calm Nicky down but he was getting more and more upset." He looked at his sick friend in bed that looked close to his tears. Swallowing hard the latino continue, "Suddenly he made a move to get up from his bed and then he blackened oit and we ran to get help and.."

Brian cut him off, "And when Nick woke up he didn´t even know that I had come to visit him.Or that he was mad at us!"

"I was never mad," Nick mumbled slowly. "I dont even remember that they came here." Holding his hand towards his head he groaned, "What is this? Am I becoming crazy on top of all this?"

"No..No." The nurse said with a calming smile. "This is a side effect of the new nausea medication that you´ve been giving."

"Great." Nick muttered. "I found a med that can help me and now I dont know if I´m dreaming or not." He groaned. "What a nightmare."

His friends as well as the nurse felt sorry for him. "The medication can make you a bit disoriented and there can be halucination too." Turning towards Howie and Brian she explained. "Sometimes the haluciation can be so real that it´s hard to tell the difference!"

"Halucinating?"

"Yes and that is probably why he fainted too."

"Oh!" Both Brian and Howie looked a bit relieved. So relieved that Nick was starting to wonder what he´d done in one of his spells. He felt like a complete jerk.

Here one of his best friends in the world, that he cared about so much was coming all the way from Atlanta to see him and he was acting like a jerk to him. Shouting for him to go back. Not that he had any idea what he´d been doing and even if they probably thought it didn´t matter it still did. They were his friends, his brothers and they were the only thing that kept him going. The only ones tghat kept him fighting for his life...and he needed them more now than ever before.

"I´m bored," AJ mumbled as he walked into the kitchen for the umpteenth time that evening. Heading over to the refrigerator he opened the door and scanned the food inside. Bringing out a can of light beer he opened it and took a large swig. "You want one?" he offred to Kevin who was sitting at the table.

Not looking up to see what was being offered Kevin shook his head. "Nah I´m fine."

"Ok." AJ closed the refrigerator door with a bang.

"Damn Jay, can´t you be more careful?" Kevin barked.

Ignoring this last comment the younger man grabbed a muffin from a paperbag on the counter and then sat down next to Kevin who was working on the lyrics for a new Backstreet song. He´d been working all afternoon with the chorus and no matter how hard he tried he couldn´t get it to set right.

Taking a bite, crumbs fell on the paper, annoying the Kentuckian even more. AJ mumbled between chewing. "So how´s it going?"

"Alright until you came in and disturbed me," Kevin muttered as he wiped the crumbs onto the floor. "God Bone if you gotta eat....do it somewhere else besides here." The sound of the can being put down was what got his attention. "Beer and muffins Jay, what are thinking?" He shook his head in disgust.

"Blueberry muffins Kev and they are good too. Did Jane make these?" He threw the whole bite into his mouth chewing loudly with his mouth open. "You should try them...they are really great."

"No thank you." Kevin said with a sigh. "I think Nick’s housekeeper made them if you really have to know." Once again he wiped the crumbs off the paper. "Can´t you eat with your mouth closed?"

Ignoring this comment AJ said, "How´s the chorus? You finding anything catchy to go along with it?" Reading what Kevin had written he frowned. "You want me to help you out?"

"NO! Besides if you stop bugging me all the time I think I could do even better."

"Man you´re testy this evening. I was trying to help you out." AJ muttered, taking another swig of his beer.

Another sigh. "AJ can´t you go someplace else? Can´t you see I´m trying to work?" God why did he always get stuck with the most hyperactive people?

AJ had been acting restless all day, pacing the rooms, asking stuff and never really sitting down. He had so much pent up energy inside of him Kevin had wished he´d gone with Howie and Brian to visit Nick and not stayed at the house, bothering him. He was really starting to get on his nerves. "Jay if you´re that restless you can at least take Nick’s pugs out for a walk."

"Did that already..besides its raining" AJ mumbled between the bites. Running a hand through his hair he continue, "Man I really gotta do something. Sitting here waiting is starting to make me go crazy." He stood up and started to pace the room again.

Shaking his head Kevin did his best to concentrate on his writing but the constant pacing disturbed his flow of energy. "Bone sit down. You´re making me dizzy."

"I can´t. This sucks too much. The whole situation sucks." AJ was looking really desperate now. "I hate being on hiatus. Not having nothing to do." He grabbed his pack of cigarettes and pulled out a cig and then sat down again. "It´s making me restless and when I´m restless I get hyper and when I´m hyper I get..." Fiddling with his lighter he was going to lit the cigarette when Kevin stopped him.

"Stop it." Kevin held up a hand. "Ok..Ok I get it.....I can see that and no smoking in here Jay." Damn this was like babysitting a kid! And he who thought Nick had been bad. Hyperactive and all.

"Says who?"

"Me! Besides this is Nick’s house and he doesn’t want you smoking in here."

With a snort AJ packed down his ciggarette and then started to fiddle with his lighter, trying to see how high he could make the flame go. Seeing this Kevin snapped. Taking the lighter from AJ´s hand he snarled, "God you´re acting like a kid. Go outside and do something useful!"

"Like what?"

"I don´t know..like..like.. Hell," the older man was getting seriously upset. "I´m not your babysitter. You´re old enough not to sit around doing nothing." He shook his head, "You remind me of Nick when he was younger. Grow up!"

The younger man sighed heavily. "He’s the reason that we´re sitting here. Having nothing to do." The tone wasn´t upset just very sad.

Kevin felt defeated all of a sudden. Laying the pen down he asked with a frown. "What you want me to do about it then?" His shoulder slouched. "It´s not like we´ve planned this you know. Nick being sick and all and it´s not like I can do anything to change the situation anyway."

"I know." The younger man went silent, as he if was deep in his thoughts, before asking. "When did you say they were gonna come back from Nick’s? D and B'rock?"

"I didn´t and I dont know." Another sigh.

"Man you´re helpful." AJ rose from his seat muttering, "Hell I need to do something..now." It was true. He had to get out from the house or he was sure he would lose his mind.

"Where you going?"

"Out..since you don´t want me here obviously." Picking up the car keys he added with a sneer, "I´m going out driving and you don´t need to sit and wait for me. I´m gonna be late." With that he was out of the door.

Kevin’s first instinct was to get up and follow his friend but then he stopped himself. AJ was a mature man and he should know what he was doing. Ok 23 might not be so mature but at least he was an adult and he was responsible for his own actions. The only thing that worried him was that AJ would go off the edge. That he wouldn´t cope it any longer with Nick being sick and that he would turn back to drinking again. It would be a disaster and that was the last thing they needed right now.

Frowning he listened as the car door slammed shut and the engine roaring when AJ drove off in high speed with Nick’s white Durango. A black dust cloud following him like a trail.

************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ ******************

The rain whipped against the windshield. Both Brian and Howie sat quiet in the car, deep in thought. Howie was driving and he had turned the stereo on low volume like he didn´t want to disturb what was on his mind. Brian on the other hand fiddled with his cellphone while trying to decide if he should make a phone call to his wife or not. The visit to Nick’s had been anything but good and it had left prints in his memory that were hard to wash away.

"You ok?" Howie asked when he saw that Brian had started to dial on his cellphone and then hung up before it sent any signal.

"Yeah," The younger man nodded. "Just thinking."

"About Nick?"

"Uh-huh." What else was there to think about? What else could occupy his mind in the same way as his younger brother did? The sight of his sick friend had frightened him more than he wanted to admit and when Nick had been so sick to recognize him it was like a cold hand twisted his guts. The nursing staff had told them that it was from the medication but even then Brian couldn´t help to think that patients that were dying often responded with the same confusion as Nick had done.

Brian looked up at Howie who smiled softly back. "He got really happy when he saw that it was you that had come to visit him." The words were meant to comfort.

"Oh yeah once he recognized that it was me." Brian tone was sullen.

"B he didn´t mean what he said."

"Yeah....."

"He didn´t. It was that nausea medication that made him that confused." Howie explained.

"I know."

There was silence in the car again.

"He has really missed you." Howie said when there hadn´t been a word uttered for a while.

"I miss him too." Brian was talking with short sentences like it was too strenuous to talk. "I miss the Nick that I used to know. The happy one that always got us all to laugh. The prankster." Tears were forming in the Kentuckian’s eyes.

Howie agreed. "Yes I know..we all do." Slowing down the car he eased off to the side of the road before stopping.

Confused over the sudden action Brian asked, "What are you doing D? Why are you stopping?"

"We need to talk." The Latino’s voice was firm.

With a sigh Brian mumbled, "Ok what about?"

"This..everything..Nick."

More silence. Both men sat staring out the window. Watching the windshield wipers wipe away the rain. No one said anything since talking would mean that the feelings they had pent up inside of them would burst. Flood over and there was no telling what would happen.

Howie was the first one to talk. "You’re his best buddy, you know that right?"

"I was maybe..but not now I think." Brian ran a hand over his face. "Too much has happened between us and I.." A tear started to roll down his cheek and he did nothing to stop it. "What would I do if Nick dies?" He started to cry silently.

Shocked over the words that were coming from his friend Howie laid an arm over his buddie’s shoulder. "Hush B..don´t say that..he won’t die."

Looking up Brian shook his head, "No D you don´t know that. Didn´t you see how bad he looked? How different he was?" His voice cracked as he uttered the words. "Howie it´s bad...... I can feel it."

"What do you mean?"

"The bonemarrow transplantation. Nick won´t make it. He is too weak. Too sick. He won´t make it." A deep sigh as the younger man was trying to clear his voice through the tears. "He will die Howie..I just know it."

Upon hearing these words being uttered by his friend Howie felt uncomfortable. Brian had always been the last one to lose hope and when he did, not much could ever be said or done. He had thought this himself several times yet he had shooed the deep dark thoughts away like they were deamons. Deamons that he refused to believe in. "It doesn´t have to be like that." he said slowly as he waited for Brian’s answer. Waited for a reaction."

"I know." The Kentuckian shrugged his shoulders. "It´s just a hunch I have. A feeling." He wiped away his tears with his sleeve. "Maybe I am over reacting because I haven´t seen him for a while." He tried to smile through his tears but it didn´t work. "Maybe I am just being stupid."

"No you´re not stupid Brian." Howie looked at his friend with genuine concern. "But you have a lot on your mind and that effects the way you´re thinking right now." He drew back his breath. "I´m sorry that I didn´t prepare you for what you were going to see."

"That´s Ok D." Brian wiped his hands on his jeans. "It was good that I got to see it. See how bad he really was." His tone went lower. "I guess that I didn´t realize it.....just talking with Nick on the phone. He sounded so much better there..not as sick as he really is."

Howie nodded. "Yeah he can fool you can´t he?" He thought for a while. "Nick has always had a way in getting people to know that everything was fine and dandy when he in reality was feeling lousy one way or the other."

"Yeah." Brian nodded as memories were brought back to life. "He was good at that..fooled just about everyone..except us." A smile toyed at his lips. It was a sad smile. "You remember that time when he had one of his mood swings and threatened to go back home..I think it was when we were in Europe or something on the Backstreet Back tour."

"No." Howie shook his head. "Nick had so many mood swings so how could I?" He was smiling too.

"Anyway he was acting all pissed over something and then Johnny come to tell us that we were going to do a press conference. Nick refused saying that he was sick but Johnny didn´t believe him and he was whisked out to the crowd. Out there he was playing it up to the fans and the journalists and he was acting like he was having the time of his life."

Howie nodded. "Yeah now I remember..and afterwards when he came off he told everyone were asses and then locked himself up in the hotel room." A chuckle. "How could I forget that one?" Then he went serious. "You see Bri..Nick is a good actor when he wants to and maybe he didn´t want to let you know how bad he was really feeling and then you came over and it all got too much for him."

"Yeah could be." Brian closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Anyway, I have decided....I´m staying until tomorrow. I want to talk to Nick before I leave."

¨ "Sounds great." Howie looked genuinly happy, then his eyes darkened a bit. "You sure that will be okay with Leighanne? I mean she is expecting you back tonight..isn´t she?"

"Yeah she is." Brian picked up his cellphone again. "Don´t worry..she´ll understand." His tone was being causual but deep inside there were a nagging feeling. Leighanne didn´t like it when he was out traveling, especially not in the condition that she was in right now and she would be anything than happy that he had decided to stay.

"Ok." Howie looked like he didn´t believe him, yet he said. "I´m sure you right." With that he put the care in gear and drove on the interstate again. Keeping his eyes on the road he was met with a high speed car driving fast away from them. "Damn," he uttered, startling Brian in the process.

"What?"

"That maniac could have nearly killed.." Howie looked in his backmirror. It sure looked like Nick’s Durango. Heck it WAS Nick´s Durango.

"What.....what is it?" Brian laid his hand on Howie’s arm, looking at his friend curiously.

"That was Nick’s car," he pointed at the rearview mirror. "Didn´t you see it?"

"No how could I... I wasn´t looking." Brian drew back his breath.."You sure?"

"YES!" Howie was being upset. "That maniac was driving Nick’s car."

"D there are Durangos out there like Nick’s..."

"I know what I saw." Howie interrupted sounding very agitated."and whoever was driving it was driving like a maniac." The Latino swallowed hard. That could only be one person that drove in that careless way. AJ. And that could only mean one thing. The rebel had to be up to something...

AJ sat in the drivers seat, staring out the rain spattered windshield at the dark, brick building. He pulled another cigarette out from the pack he had thrown onto the dashboard, flipping his Zippo lighter open with a flick of his thumb and forefinger.

He inhaled deeply, feeling the smoky nicotine fill his lungs. As AJ sat for a few moments inside Nick’s Durango, he debated on going into the sports bar. The emotional pain he was feeling had become too much to handle. AJ knew that he had limited his intake of beer to one per day but he and liquor were good friends and being in a bar by himself may prove too tempting to keep himself out of trouble.

“Judas McLean,” AJ berated himself as he blew the smoke out between his teeth. “Just one drop of whiskey won’t kill you......just stop at the one and you’ll be okay.”

Instead of exiting the vehicle, AJ rested his forehead on the steering wheel, closing his eyes. His thoughts started drifting and suddenly he saw images of Nick flashing in his mind.

A young and healthy Nick Carter, barely sixteen.

”You know Kevin will kill us when he finds out you let me smoke.”

“Jesus Kaos, quit being such a pansy. Kevin ain’t gonna find out cause no one is gonna tell him....besides, why should you care, he don’t own you....now when you finish off that cigarette I think I’ll introduce you to my little friend maryjane...

AJ stiffened in his seat as chills ran down his spine after recalling that event. Nick had always looked up to him - or so he thought - and the things he had done with the kid sometimes were either immoral or illegal or both. He and Nick had snuck into strip bars too many times to count; shared beers far too often on their downtimes after shows and yes, he had even taught Nick how to smoke cigars, cigarettes and pot at the tender young age of sixteen.

As he rubbed a hand over his face in a tired gesture, a thought lept into AJ’s brain.

He had taught Nick how to smoke!

”Shit I caused the cancer,” he muttered as tears sprung into his eyes.

Wiping his eyes, AJ tugged at the drivers door, not paying attention to the car that was pulling into the parking space beside the Durango; until he had to take a quick step back against the vehicle to prevent being run over.

”Watch what the hell you’re doing,asshole!” AJ yelled as he smacked the hood of the offending car. Not waiting for a response, he turned and trudged toward the entrance.

“Jay! What are you doing here?”

AJ froze in his steps; shoulders sagging. Screwing his eyes shut, he sighed heavily.

The owner of the voice approached the rebel singer, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Why are you here?”

AJ dipped his shoulder, shrugging the hand away. “Because I needed to get away from Kevin,” he rasped.

Brian threw Howie a worried glance as he approached. “But a bar Jay? And why on God’s green Earth do you feel that you need to get away from Kevin? What did he do now?”

AJ started walking toward the entrance, replying, “Because Train is doing what Train always does and I needed a change of scenery.”

Brian couldn’t be shook off as quickly as AJ was hoping. The persistant Kentuckian quickly stepped between the tattooed singer and the door, his eyes widened when he took a look at his band brother. “You’re crying? Did something happen to Ni---”

AJ quickly wiped the unchecked tears from his cheeks, stepping around Brian and jerked the door open to the sports bar. He took the first available stool at the bar and slumped his body onto the padded seat.

“Please tell me what is going on,” Howie pled as he took the empty seat to the right side of AJ; Brian the one on the left.

“Jack and Coke and a pack of Marlboro reds,” AJ called out to the bartender as the burly man passed him.

”Jack and Coke?” Brian echoed AJ’s order. “Something’s really got you bothered......c’mon you gotta talk about it.”

The bartender returned placing the short glass ontop of a paper napkin that was printed with cheesy sports bar pictures. “Seventeen fifty.”

AJ leaned over to his left side, grabbing his wallet out of his back jeans pocket. As he handed the bartender one of his credit cards he said, “Run a tab.”

“A tab? Seriously Jay, you need to talk to us about what’s going on,” Howie grumbled as he watched the bartender hang the credit card on a clip above the cash register.

Ignoring Howie’s request, AJ expertly beat the new pack of Marlboros onto the ball of his open palm.

“Ah, Jay, did you hear D?” Brian questioned as he watched AJ draw a cigarette out of the fresh pack and place it to his lips.

“Yup.”

“And?”

AJ took a generous swallow from the glass. “There’s nothing to talk about,” he muttered.

Brian placed a hand on AJ’s forearm. AJ instantly drew his arm away. “This ain’t no freakin’ gay bar!” he hissed, glaring at the older man.

“Somethings wrong and we want to help Jay,” Howie demanded softly.

“Please.....if you tell us whats bothering you we’ll leave you alone,” Brian promised, ignoring the quick eyes widened glance from Howie.

AJ sighed heavily, pulling the unlit cigarette from his mouth. “I’ll talk, but not here......”

Nick sighed as he impatiently flipped through the channels on the television set. Boredom was a constant companion in his life lately and he had grown tired of anything that the tv offered.

‘Why the hell did I send them away?’ Nick thought dismally as he laid his call button back next to his pillow. He puffed his cheeks out as he stared at the IV pole that was situated next to the bed.

“I am so freakin sick of IV’s!” he said as he glared at the clear bag that hung at the top of the pole.

Turning his head away from the IV pole, he closed his eyes for a moment until he heard the sound of someone entering his room.

“Hello sunshine, how are you feeling today?”

Nick’s heart lept in his chest and he stared at the woman, mouth agape. His favorite nurse was standing in front of him, dressed in cartoon patterned scrubs. “Cyndi! Where the hell have you been?”

The nurse smiled at her patient. “I took a two week vacation and went to the Bahamas, I thought I told you....didn’t I?”

”Nooooooo.......” he paused for a moment and then lightly slapped the palm of his hand on his forehead. “But then again my mind has been like swiss cheese lately so you probably told me but I forgot.”

“Aww I saw that in your chart, getting the side effects from the nausea meds I see.”

“Yippee....”

Cyndi moved over to the sink on the other side of the room, scrubbing her hands and then snapping a pair of purple latex sensitive gloves on. She scooped up a bag and IV tubing and approached Nick’s bed.

Nick stared at the items she laid on the bed stand with suspicious eyes. “What’s that for?”

“Dr. Andersen ordered this,” Cyndi explained as she hung the thick bag on the IV pole.

“That better not be what I think it is.”

“Dr. Andersen ordered this for you and you are to continue doing this when you get discharged home.”

”Wait a minute! I thought I was done with that shit!”

“What shit?”

“Is it that bullshit nutrition stuff? She told me if I ate what I was given and proved I could eat and keep it down she wasn’t gonna make me do that stuff anymore!” Nick protested with pleading eyes.

“The lab report that Dr. Andersen got back from the past 48 hours were really crappy Nick.”

“But that doesn’t tell me why she would make me do that shit again,” he muttered, folding his arms across his chest.

“Your labs indicated that your body isn’t getting enough nutrients.”

Nick looked down at his body and stared up at the nurse with a sarcastic expression etched on his face. “Do I look like I’m not getting enough here?”

Cyndi shook her head. “You know you’re not fat.”

“Well I sure as hell look it now, don’t I?”

“Nick you know that it’s edema, quit clowning around,” Cyndi replied as she playfully swatted her patient on his shoulder. “Do you want me to lift your gown to get to that port or are you doing to do it for me?”

“Can I refuse to get this stuff?”

Cyndi took a step back; eyes boring into Nick’s eyes. “You know you can.”

“Then I’m refusing!”

“Then what you’re telling me is that you’re being a stubborn male and you don’t want to try and get better? Did you hear me when I said your labs were looking pretty crappy and she wants to have you on this to build up your stamina?”

“I think it’s totally pointless.....”

“How about I call your patient advocate and see what he has to say about this.”

“Fine! Go ahead and call the entire state of Florida for all I care!”

“Hun, you don’t see what this is doing to you? You are becoming totally irrational......”

Nick folded his arms across his chest, jutting his jaw out, pouting like a small child. ”I am not being irrational!”

“Are too!”

”Am not!”

“Yes you are!”

”NO am not!”

Exasperated, Cyndi snapped the gloves off and threw them in the trash can. “I can’t deal with you being like this anylonger. Take a nap Nick, it might work wonders for you. I’ll come back in a little while to check on you.”

“And I’ll look forward to it,” Nick spat.

A few moments later, Nick heard a set of solid, familiar footsteps.

“Well, well Nickolas, Cyndi tells me you are being quite the child this afternoon,” Dr. Andersen stated as she breezed into the room.

Nick pointed a defiant finger at Cyndi as she entered the room behind the doctor. “She’s the one that’s being a child, not me!”

Dr. Andersen smiled slightly at her patient’s antics. “So why wouldn’t you co-operate when Cyndi wanted to set up your nutritional IV?”

“Because you promised me that I wouldn’t have to do those stupid things again!”

“Nickolas, I didn’t promise anything like that. In fact, as a rule being an oncologist, I have never promised anything to any of my patients. Cancer is a very unpredictible disease and it would be foolish to promise my patients anything I couldn’t possible predict or deliver.”

“You promised no more of those stupid bags....I heard you say that!”

“Why are you fighting this so much?”

Nick smoothed the wrinkles from his blanket. “Because it’s retarded that you want me to do this crap when I’m eating.”

Dr. Andersen sat on the edge of the bed. “Why is it retarded?”

Nick sighed in an over-exaggerated tone. “Cause I’m eating and it don’t make sense to me to make me do that.”

“I agree, you are eating, however---”

“Do you want me to get fat?”

Dr. Andersen shook her head. “No I wouldn’t want you to get fat and there is no possible way for that to happen to you.....”

“Well how do I look to you right now!?”

“Nick we went over this earlier,” Cyndi interrupted.

“Nickolas, you are not making sense to anyone with what you’re thinking,” Dr. Andersen said calmly. “This is the reason you need to do these nutritional feedings.”

Nick cocked his head to one side. “You want me to do these because I don’t make sense?”

“Exactly!”

“Now you’re the one that’s not making any sense.”

“Nickolas, you’re blood work is way off the charts and it is showing to me that your body is not getting enough nutrients and it is effecting things one by one and your temper is one of them if you haven’t noticed yet.”

Nick crossed his legs and uncrossed them under the blanket and then jerked his arms across his chest again. “My temper is fine.”

“And then there is the issue of you getting forgetful.”

“I’m not forgetting things, today is Monday.”

“Um actually it’s Wednesday, but that’s beside the point,” Cyndi volunteered.

“Monday - Wednesday no big shit.”

“Then you are getting irrational and it’s from the malnurishment.”

“Do I look malnourished to you?”

“Nickolas, this isn’t something that is visible to you or I, it is in your labwork and your mental status, besides a host of other things....”

Picking up the television controller, Nick switched on the tv.

Dr. Andersen pulled the device from her patient’s hand. “You need to pay attention to what I am saying to you. This is a very serious conversation I am trying to have with you!”

“I am done having conversations about stupid shit,” Nick growled as he tried to get the device back from the doctor.

“I can place a call to Mr. Littrell,” the doctor warned.

“You know what he’s gonna say so why bother?”

“No I don’t know what he’s going to tell me so why don’t you tell me.”

“He’s gonna say that I have to do the J-tube feedings even though I know it’s a waste of time and money.”

“Why would you say it would be a waste of time and money?”

“Because I am not going to get any better.”

“With that attitude, I would agree with you. Nickolas, like it or not, you have to understand one thing.”

Nick gave an impatient look at the doctor.

“If you don’t do these nutritional feedings you will lose your strength and what little health you have maintained up to this point and I will not be able to do the bone marrow transplantation to try and save your life.”

The words that Dr. Andersen spoke finally caught Nick’s attention and he locked eyes with the doctors.

“You will die.”

Tears instantly pooled into the ocean blue eyes. “I-I don’t wanna die,” he whispered.

“I know you don’t sweetheart, this is why I want you to do these nutrient boosters. It’s only going to be for a week and you can do them while you are at home, one of them will be done at night while you sleep so it won’t be any inconvenience for you.”

Nick wiped the tears from his cheeks. “How many are you talking about me doing?”

“Twice during the day the bigger one during the night while you sleep. It’s the only way to do this since you detest drinking the Ensure supplement.”

Nick’s eyes brightened. “What if I drink the Ensure?”

“If you drink the Ensure at breakfast, lunch and dinner then you would only have to do the larger night time J-tube feeding.”

Nick screwed his face up at the thought of drinking the Ensure three times a day. “I guess I could handle that, I just really hate the J-tube ya know.”

“Well if you can do the Ensure, I’ll set the orders up for one J-tube feeding at night, how does that sound?”

Nick managed a slight smile. “I guess it sounds better than nothing.”

“Good then I will write the orders as such and I will be instructing Mr. Richardson on this for your discharge by this weekend.”

“Did you say this weekend?”

“Nickolas, don’t get your hopes up here, you can be discharged to home if your lab tests are better by Friday and that may only happen if you do everything I order for you to do. Do you think you can try?”

If it were possible, it looked like Nick Carter was actually beaming. “Yes ma’am.”

Brian and Howie sat quietly as AJ played with his lighter on the table. After a few minutes of watching the shiny steel object spin clockwise and then counter-clockwise, Brian reached out and laid his hand over the top of the lighter and AJ’s hand.

“Okay AJ, me and Howie are worried about you, talk to us, please.”

AJ sighed and then swallowed trying to work up the courage to talk without hopefully losing his composure. After a moment, he reached for a cigarette - his only known security blanket - and quickly lit it before the other two could object.

“Um, it’s kinda hard to explain this,” the tattooed rebel began, avoiding eye contact. “Um, well, ya know how we all felt when Kaos told us all about this cancer shit......I guess I thought I had a handle on it but now I’m not so sure about it anymore.”

AJ paused, shifting his body in the booth, slumping down further in his seat as he stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles.

“It floored me,” Brian agreed.

“I think none of us could ever see that coming,” Howie added.

Rubbing his nose as he nodded, AJ sighed. “I guess I sorta feel responsible for what has happened with the kid.”

“Why?” Howie coached.

Tears started welling up into AJ’s dark brown eyes.

“You can’t be responsible for this AJ,” Brian replied, placing a gentle hand on his brother’s forearm.

AJ placed his hand ontop of Brian’s shaking his head and letting the tears slip unchecked down his cheeks.

“Cancer happens AJ...it wasn’t anything that anyone saw coming with Nicky,” Howie softly stated.

AJ shook his head. “I saw it.....hell I caused it.”

“Okay Bone, now you’re talking stupid,” Brian said as he gripped AJ’s forearm tighter.

Picking up the Jack and Coke drink with his free hand, AJ took a swallow from the glass. “Remember those times in the early days when Nicky was about sixteen and me and Nicky had to bunk together when you guys went out to the clubs and we had to stay in cause we weren’t cool enough to hang with you? Well I taught Nicky a lot of things that year......how to drink....how to swear and how to smoke.....”

Howie stared at AJ with a blank expression on his face. “Yeah so?”

“D.....don’t you get it!? I taught Nicky how to smoke! Because of my brilliant ideas, he’s freakin’ dying!”

“Whoa.....whoa....whoa....you did not say you caused Nick to get cancer did you?” Brian asked, his face ashen.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Brian Littrell shook his head in disbelief. “Okay now that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard coming from your mouth AJ........Doctors aren’t sure what exactly causes cancer but I think it mainly has something to do with environmental factors and genetics not who taught Nick how to smoke......”

“Yeah but Kevin’s dad smoked...”

“Uncle Jerald didn’t smoke......AJ you’re trying to blame yourself for something that happened, there is no possible way that you caused Nick to get cancer, you gotta understand me.”

AJ only stared past Brian and Howie, his mind lost in his own thoughts.

“Bone, you gotta believe me when I say you didn’t cause this......stop with the self pity party, Nick would be the first to slap the crap out of you if he knew you were blaming yourself for this!” Howie offered.

“You know, we had such busy and hectic schedules and if you remember, Nicky was always sick from the very beginning and he never seemed to get one hundred percent better each time and that was well before you even introduced smoking to the kid,” Brian pointed out.

“I guess you have a valid point there.”

“So my theory about genetics pans out, right?”

“I guess it would.”

“Jay, you need to be optimistic about this for Nick, stop beating yourself up over something you have no control over. You can’t blame yourself for something you didn’t do. Do you understand me?” Brian asked.

AJ nodded.

“How about we go back to Nick’s house?” Howie suggested.

“I don’t want to go back to see Kevin, he’s getting on my nerves,” AJ growled.

“Okay, then where do you want to go?”

The tattooed rebel squashed his cigarette into the steel ashtray. “Let’s go see Kaos.”

Nick’s favorite nurse, Cyndi walked into his hospital room, arms burdened with supplies. “Still not here yet?” she asked as her eyes swept the room.

Nick managed a tight smirk. “Nah, probably stuck in traffic or something,” he sighed in reply. Although he had waited for this day to come for weeks, Nick found himself not feeling excited about it, but rather he found himself wondering if this was such a good idea.

Cyndi laid the supplies on the bed tray and sat on the corner of the bed. “Okay, somethings bugging you..........Nick? Earth to Nick....”

Nick jumped when his eyes focused on the young woman’s hand waving in front of his face. “Huh?”

“You spaced out on me....”

He could feel the heat rise to his cheeks. “I did not.”

“C’mon Nick, something is bugging you.....I know you pretty good now to tell when you’re up and when you’re down and right now you seem to be pretty low for a guy to be checking out of the hospital this morning.”

Shrugging his shoulders in reply, Nick looked away from Cyndi’s gaze. He met his match in stubborness because the nurse wasn’t going to let a shrug suffice as an answer.

“Spill it now or I’ll call Dr. Petersen in...”

Upon hearing the name of the psychologist, Nick’s eyes widened. “NO!”

Cyndi chuckled at her patient’s response. “I knew that would get you....seriously, why are you acting down?”

Smoothing the blankets across his chest, Nick took a deep breath. “Um, well I guess I’m wondering if this is such a good idea now....you know, leaving? I mean Dr. Andersen pretty much has got me freaked out about germs and stuff and I dunno......”

The young nurse laid a comforting hand on her patient’s shoulder. “I know you’re a little worried about this but gosh Nick, hospitals aren’t that sanitary. There are sooo many airborne pathologens swimming around here you’d have a better chance taking a week off from here before you go into isolation, and remember that your friend Kevin has been instructed about precautions with you and he is going to make sure you do what you’re suppose to.”

Being reminded that Kevin was going to be left in charge of his care at home, Nick could only roll his eyes. ‘Yes, Kevin was a good friend, but he was also anal as hell when it came to certain things,’ Nick thought to himself.

“Okay what are you thinking about now?”

A smile tugged at Nick’s mouth. “Kevin.”

Cyndi grinned back. “So I’m guessin’ that it’s a good thing?”

“Yeah, but you really gotta know Kev I suppose....”

“What do you mean you really gotta know me?” the tall Kentuckian called out as he strode into the hospital room flanked by Howie and AJ.

“How anal you are.”

Kevin arched an eyebrow in response.

“So Kaos, you ready to blow this place?” AJ rasped.

Cyndi looked at Nick questionably.

“Um yeah I think I am,” came the uncertain response.

Howie stepped up to the side of Nick’s bed laying a plastic grocery bag on his lap. “We brought you some sweats and a tee shirt and stuff to wear home. I doubted that you’d want to wear that hospital crap any longer than you had to.”

Nick peered into the opening of the white bag. “Thanks........ you didn’t have to buy me new stuff, I have plenty of sweats at home....”

“Nothing that would fit you,” AJ quickly pointed out and then instantly regretted his words. “I’m sorry...”

Nick held his hand up. “Don’t be sorry, I know it’s true.......hey dark green! My favorite color,” he smirked as he held up the sweatpants. His happy expression eased up for a moment. “I really think this might be too small though.”

“I kinda figured that you’d be in a medium,” Kevin replied.

“Yeah probably every place but here,” Nick said as he gently patted his swollen stomach.

“Nick, you make do then, just wear the waistband below your stomach,” Cyndi stated.

AJ grinned. “Just like the old days Nicky.”

Smiling, Nick stuck his middle finger up in reply.

“I couldn’t help it........”

“I know Jay and thanks,” Nick grinned.

The room was silent for a moment before it shifted to an uncomfortable silence.

“Um, I can put my shirt on I think but I know I’m gonna need help with the other stuff......”

“Shit, what were we thinking?” AJ rasped, shaking his head.

“Don’t get all uncomfortable about Jay, please,” Nick begged. “There’s just some stuff I can’t do by myself right now and stepping into my pants and boxers is something I need help with.....well that and other things...” his voice trailed.

“If you want I can help while the guys step out,” Cyndi offered.

“How about I help you buddy,” Kevin said as he stepped up and took the plastic bag from his young brother’s lap.

“Jeeze Train, Nick here might want the pretty nurse helping him,” AJ said as he winked at Nick.

Kevin gave the nurse an uncertain look as he cleared his throat. “Um, I think its something that I gotta get used to again so I might as well do it now.”

As much as he wished he could protest the ‘fighting’ over who was going to help him get dressed, Nick bit his bottom lip as he listened to Cyndi, Kevin and AJ argue about his status as if he weren’t even in the room.

“He’s pretty weak, I think maybe it would be a good idea if I show you how you need to do---”

“I’m sure he puts his shorts on one leg at a time still,” Kevin snapped as he cut off the nurse.

“Well we can’t run the risk of him falling and getting cut,” Cyndi pointed out.

“There really isn’t much to Nick now and I bet he could get hurt easily,” Howie softly observed.

“STOP IT!”

Four sets of eyes turned at looked at the pale man laying in the bed, their mouths dropped opened.

“Nicky take it easy,” Howie urged placing a gentle hand on Nick’s shoulder. But Nick didn’t want to have anything to do with being calm as he dipped his shoulder away from the Latino.

“Please stop fighting over me like I’m not even here,” he cried.

“Nick, calm down......we’re just trying to help you,” Kevin stated in a hushed whisper.

The emotions Nick had been fighting back were stinging his eyes, aching in his throat. He looked up at his friends; his vision blurred by the pooling of tears. Once he blinked, they started to spill.

Quickly wiping the tears from his cheeks, Nick pointed at the white bag in Kevin’s hand. “Just give me the clothes, I’ll get dressed myself.”

“Whoa Carter, not on my clock you’re not,” the young nurse warned.

AJ raised an eyebrow at Cyndi’s words. “Geeze Nick, she’s got you figured out.”

Eight months! It had been eight months since that day he received the news. The news that would come to change his life so completely and made his summer vacation become nothing but a living hell. It had seemed like an eternity but eight months was only as long as some tours were back in the early days. He reckoned that the reason why he felt like it was a never ending story was because he spent his time sick, either at home or at a hospital, and now almost one year later he pondered if he’d been asked to do the treatment, if he would have still said yes to it. His doctor had told him that the after-effects of the chemo could be a “little” bad and now he wondered what kind of references she had to tell him something like that. It was almost like a joke, although he wasn’t the one laughing about it. To tell the truth there was more than one time when he had second thoughts about the chemo and there were days when all he wanted to do was to stop it all. End the feeling of sickness that had come to tag along like a stamp on an envelope.

‘Oh well it can only get better,’ Nick mentally decided where he sat in the car, watching the scenery pass him by in slow motion. The guys had come and picked him up, all but Brian who had to go back to Atlanta since Leighanne claimed that she was starting to have contractions. He felt a bit bad to the fact that he hadn’t paid that much attention to Brian at his last visit or the fact that he was only days away from becoming a dad. The last weeks had been nothing but a blur and he knew that he hadn’t been much company since the last bout of chemo hit him hard. The guys had been up to visit him, even Brian came all the way from Atlanta for a visit, and all he did was sleep, puke or act pissed over something. Not a funny guy to be around. No, not at all!

Suddenly he felt something light touch his arm and turning around he was met with AJ´s brown eyes looking with a concerned glance at him. There was a worried frown on his forehead and before he had a chance to ask what he wanted AJ´s words, “You all right?” could be heard from the backseat. His tone was filled with concern.

“Wha..What?” Nick swallowed hard, feeling a bit confused, then he found his bearings again and answered back with an embarrassed smile, “Yeah I was just thinking…you know.” He waited for a comment, something in style with “Thinking man? Don’t try to hard. You know Kaos you can hurt yourself” or “Be aware that thoughts in a stupid mind can lead to burnout,” but none of the sort happened. Instead AJ looked at him, sadness shining in his eyes and said with a thick voice, “Ok buddy, but let me know if something is bothering you. All right?”

Nick nodded but deep inside he wanted to scream. He was sick and tired of everybody acting like he was on the verge of dying and the politeness, yet concern his brothers showed him was starting to become too much. He would have preferred a sneer comment or a nasty remark but all he got these days was that sickly concern that was threatening to tear him apart faster than the cancer ever could do. It made him not only feel sicker, it made him feel retarded too.

“You sure?” AJ cut through his thoughts again and he had to do his best not to scream at him to get out of his hair and once again nodded patiently. Patience had never been Nick’s strong since and if it was something that these past eight months had tested it was that qualification.

“Uh huh.”

“You know Nicky there are bags of “Get well cards” for you each day and the fans are all so excited to have you back again.” The words Howie spelled were meant to cheer him up but instead they didn’t help the situation at all.

“Really?” Nick said a bit nervous. “They all know that I’m getting home today?”

“Yup.” Howie nodded in agreement.

Oh shit! Nick felt fear dwell up inside of him. Panic. The last thing he wanted was the media and fans hovering outside his gate. Spotting how bad he looked and asking him all kinds of questions. The guys had done their best not to let anyone inside the hospital and the security had been tight. He knew that the management company wanted MTV to do an interview from his sickbed but Kevin had firmly told them that it was out of the question and for that Nick felt grateful. Now, however, he knew that his privacy would be violated again and he dreaded the comment that would follow when he showed his baldness and how shitty he looked in real life. Like someone that just came out of a concentration camp back at World War 2.

Beauty. His looks had always been one of Nick’s assets and he’d learned at an early age to take advantage of that. Today he knew that there was not going to be anyone looking at him and he dreaded the sneer remarks that would follow. Back, when he was younger, he and AJ used to joke how Nick would look if he went bald and his friend’s comment that he would look like a dog’s ass shining in the moonlight. To that they had laughed and Nick was happy that so far his dad hadn’t lost any hair so baldness was not something to run in the family.

“Will the press be there?” He swallowed hard.

“I hope not.” Kevin said while he honked angrily at a car that was passing them with high speed. “Jerk!”

“Bill Evans, our new media guy wanted John Norris to do a live special with you but we said “No fucking way” to that idea.” AJ had a way of being blunt with words and he was never afraid to spill whatever was on his mind so Nick didn’t doubt for a second that AJ had told the management those words.

“Ok.” Nick hoped that there was not going to be so many people waiting outside his gates. The rest of the ride back went in silence where he devoured his time with staring out through the tinted windows. The guys must have sensed that he was not in his most talkative mood and therefore they didn’t press on to continue the conversation. Closing his eyes Nick devoured the feeling of freedom, even though the ride was starting to tire him out a bit and he was happy to be out of the hospital and back to his own territory again.

Loud screams could be heard as they drove up to Nick’s street and there, outside the electric gates reporters and fans had gathered and they were all running towards the car.

“Holy shit!” AJ exclaimed when he saw the mass. “Fuck who could have guessed this?”

Once again Nick felt panic surge up inside him. He liked the fans but this was all a bit too much. Girls were screaming and they were holding up signs that said “Welcome home Nick” and “Get well soon”. It was making him feel overwhelmed.

“This is crazy.” Howie said as he waved his hands towards the fans.

“Yes you could have thought that they would show some privacy.” Kevin guided the car through the crowd and he honked several times at the fans and reporters that wouldn’t get out of his way.

“They won’t move. What are we going to do?” Howie asked desperation in his voice.

“Just drive on.” AJ urged Kevin who stepped on his breaks again.

“I can’t do that! I’ll end up running someone down:” he objected as he drove slowly though the crowd, stopping every so often.

Nick sighed. This was crazy. He was happy that the fans were so eager for him to come home but this was more than he bargained for. He knew he had to do something about the situation. From past experience he knew that hiding had never been the solution and opposite how most celebrities would have acted Nick was the one who often met the crowd, even when it was a riot like this. He’d learned that hiding would only piss off the reporters and the fans and that it was better to be truthful if there was something bothering you. This often resulted in Nick being known as the most truthful Backstreet Boy and he was the one that often openly discussed but also showed true emotions.

“Hell can’t they move aside!” AJ yelled, shooting a finger up to the crowd.

“That’s pretty childish.” Howie said, shaking his head. “Luckily for you that the windows are tinted.”

“I don’t care. It’s just that I get so fed up with the media always butting into out lives. Can’t they understand that Nick needs privacy?”

This time it was Kevin’s turn to let out a sigh. “I know. But it won’t help the situation with you acting like a damned kid.” The tension was thick in the car and Nick felt he had to do something or else they would be stuck here forever.

The decision was clear. “Stop the car!”

“What?” Kevin hit the breaks.

“I said stop the car. I’m going to talk with them outside.” Nick was satisfied to know that he had on the black and white bandana and it didn’t make him look quite as stupid as he would have looked bald-headed. Even if he knew he’d looked better he was still ready to face life outside. Even if he knew that it would be no easy thing to do.

“I can’t do that!”

“Yes you can.” Nick held his hand on the handle. “Stop the freaking car or I’ll jump outside.” He’d made up his mind. This was the only way he would get the fans and the reporters out of his hair and sometimes it was better to face his fear than to neglect it.

“Are you fucking insane?” AJ was never the one to spare words. “You’re going to get crushed if you walk out there.” Nick could feel his friend’s finger take a steady grip on his arm and he winced from the pain. Great now he was going to get a bruise too. The Hodgkin’s made him bruise easily and there were times that he looked like he’d been through a real gang fight.

“AJ let me go. You’re hurting me.” Nick’s voice was as calm as ever and instantly his friend let go of his arm.

“I’m sorry man, but I can’t let you go. It would be the height of stupidity.” AJ looked at him with remorse. Shrugging the situation away Nick started to tell his brothers that it was better to deal with the situation now then to wait until it was total chaos. He knew that as soon as the reporters got their scoop they would leave him off his back and the fans were only there to show their concern. “Nicky you can’t be serious. You don’t have the strength to go out there besides you have no obligations to meet the fans and the reporters anyway. This is your time off and I’m sure that they understand if you skip out of this.” Howie was the one that always tried to see the realistic in any situation. He often spoke calmly and it wasn’t for nothing he was the bands shrink. Turning to Kevin he continued, “Kev come on tell him that this is crazy.”

Ignoring that last comment from Howie Kevin ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here but the guys are right. It’s stupid, even dangerous to go outside in that kind of riot.” He pointed with his finger out to the screaming crowed. “It would be pure suicide and my suggestion is instead Nick, that if you want to meet the fans so bad I think it’s better if you schedule a press conference and then talk to both the media and the fans. You can do it in your own time and won’t get stressed out like this.”

There it was again. A slick solution to a fucked up situation. Kevin was the master of keeping his head straight when it came to dealing with stress and Nick had for many years secretly admired the way he came up with ideas that also seemed to work in reality. The older man was the leader, no doubt the one that could calmly look at things when the heat on the band was so strong that they almost burned themselves.

“Yes listen to Kev. He knows how to deal with situations like this.”

Nick glared at AJ. Since when had he lost all ability to make his own decisions?

The way the guys seemed to run his life recently was downright annoying. That was what it was. Yet he couldn’t help but feel a bit relieved over the way his idea had been met. The way the guys stopped him from going out to speak with the fans and media. During the months at the hospital he’d met very few people and it had left him with a small dose of social phobia. Just when he was going to object he noticed the electric gates open and Kevin drove past it in high speed. Looking through the back window he noticed that none of the reporters or fans seemed to have followed and he calmed down a bit.

This welcome greeting had been a bit over the top. And it was quickly starting to take a toll on his body. Whatever little strength Nick felt when he left the hospital was suddenly gone and replaced was a feeling of pure fatigue. The ride had been stressful and knowing the fact that he’d let down so many fans didn’t help the situation at all.

“Welcome home Nick.” Kevin said while parking the car outside his house and before Nick had a chance to say something back Howie had opened the door, ready to help him outside. Normally Nick would have sneered something back that he didn’t want to be treated like a child, but this time he just bit his lip and nodded a thanks back. He should be grateful that they all cared about him and not act like an ungrateful son of a bitch. Yet those feelings were something he tried to bite back as much as possible. He knew that it would only hurt his close ones if he told him how much he wanted to be treated normal and not guarded 24/7. Besides now he was on his way back home for the first time in month and he would do nothing to destroy that feeling. Even if it was only for a visit over the weekend.

“Yeah welcome home buddy.” AJ was by his side too.

His legs had a hard time carrying him and the months he’d spent in a wheelchair had left him a bit shaky. Taking a few faltering steps he could feel himself getting all woozy and instantly both Howie and AJ tightened their grip on his arm. Kevin was the one to open the door.

The moment he stepped inside so many feelings swelled up inside of him. Nick felt his heart beat faster and faster. It was such a strange feeling to be inside his house again, especially since he’d been so close not to experience it again. There had also been days when he was certain he would never get to come home.

Turning to Kevin he was about to ask what they had done with his two pugs when they came running, barking, across the floor. They were both so happy to see their master and Nick felt tears starting to roll down his cheek as he bent down to greet them. They kept licking his face. “Hello guys,” he cooed as he scooped them up in his lap. “Missed daddy?” The two pugs answered with a happy whine and Nick laughed at the way they acted. Their tales were waving so hard that their whole body swayed with the motion.

The rest of the guys stood there in silence, watching the scenario play out in front of them. It was no secret that Nick absolutely loved animals, especially dogs, and sometimes it was hard to tell who he loved the best. Animals or humans? One time, when they were cooped up somewhere in Europe Howie had asked him why he loved animals so much and Nick had responded that it was because they didn’t want something back. They showed unconditional love.

Once the overwhelmed greeting from the two dogs was over Nick walked into the living room. His eyes scanned the area searching for changes but found that it looked pretty much the same as he’d left it, just a bit cleaner; so he sank down in the soft cushion sofa. “Man it feels great to be at home.” He sucked into every pour the feeling of freedom and the longer he’d stayed in the house the better he felt inside.

This was what he’d needed.

“Kev made a bed for you in the downstairs spare room,” Howie said when the silence had been too deafening for too long. The man in question had gone outside to pick up his suitcase so he was nowhere to answer for his actions.

“Huh?” Nick looked up, only to be met with his friend’s nervous glance.

“Yeah we thought that it would be better if you slept downstairs you know. That way you don’t have to walk the stairs and it’s also closer to the bathroom. Just in case.” Howie twiddled with his hands like he was afraid what sort of reaction his words would have on his sick friend.

“Ok.” Nick didn’t know what to say. At once there were so many mixed feelings running inside of him. At first he’d been happy to be back home, especially meeting his pugs but then came a feeling of insecurity and he was once again reminded of his illness. Kevin had no doubt decided to make his bed downstairs just to make the situation easier for him and ironical he had just made it tougher. Nick liked his bedroom and the fact that someone made a decision where he would sleep did not fall into good terms. It made him feel like everyone controlled his life and it made him unsure.

AJ, sensing that the news did not prove to be all that great sank down beside him on the couch. “So buddy what do you wanna do today then? Your first day back? You wanna watch a movie or something?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders. To tell the truth he didn’t think he would have much strength to do something like that and all of a sudden all he wanted to do was lie down and get a few hours of eyeshot. During the days at the hospital he'd spent much time sleeping so it was no big surprise that his body was fighting sleepiness after a while.

“You wanna order some pizza? You know an extra cheesy one from Rizzo’s. They make the best one, don’t they?” AJ hadn’t stopped trying to get his friend to talk.

“No I’m fine.” Nick winced. Suddenly, food didn’t sound too promising and he knew that if he put something in his mouth he would just end up feeling more queasy then he did right now. “It’s ok though, thanks for the offer.”

Howie was instantly by his side, a worried expression clouding his dark brown eyes. “You feel all right Nicky? I mean you want me to get your meds?”

“Nah..I´m fine.” Nick let out a sigh. When would the conversation ever stop going into his health? Every time he was starting to forget his illness one of the guys always brought the subject up, like he was fragile like a new born.

“You sure? I mean if you want I can get you something or..” Howie was cut off by Nick who said loud and firm, “Yes D I’m sure. Just leave it for now, will ya. I’m just tired.”

“Ok.” The both men let out their breath as a sign of relief. “Maybe you should lie down for a moment on the sofa and get some rest. It’s been a hard day,” Howie advised.

“Yeah dude, “AJ filled in. “Lot’s of thing’s been happening today. Get some rest and then you feel ready to tackle it all again.”

Normally Nick would have sneered something like he didn’t need someone to tell him when to take a nap, but this wasn’t his normal life. Instead he did like they suggested and sank down on the soft sofa, in a mountain of pillows. His two pugs jumped up and laid beside him, snuggling closer to him like they were very satisfied that their master was back in the game again. Closing his eyes he could feel one of the guys place a blanket on him and then they left the room, talking in hushed tones. The day’s events were catching up to him and he could feel exhaustion wrapping him up like he was lying on a cloud of cotton balls. Yet he didn’t care since for once his aches and pains were replaced with another feeling. The comfortable feeling of finally being home.

Back in his own house.

Back to life.

Howie woke with a jerk. Sitting up in bed he peered through the darkness. An unfamiliar noise, coming from downstairs, was what woke him up. Rubbing the sleep away from his eyes he decided that he had to be dreaming, when he heard it once again. Something slammed down in the kitchen and curious to see what was going on this time of night, 3.13 am to be precise, he decided to go downstairs to check it out. With that on his mind he set his bare feet on the wooden floor and then slowly walked down the stairs. It was pitch dark and the only light that shone in was from the outdoor lightning. He refrained himself from turning the light on since that would only wake the guys up.

Opening the door to the kitchen he saw the shadow of a man standing in the darkness by the cupboard. He appeared to be searching for something and Howie’s first instinct was that it had to be a burglar doing a break in. Quickly he scanned the room for something to use to protect himself if worse came to worse, but then more mature thoughts overcame him and instead he turned on the lamp.

“Oh shit!” The figure jumped, dropping what he held in his hand. Turning around he yelled, “Dammit D. You scared the shit out of me!”

Startled to see that it was his younger bro standing there, alias the owner of the house, Howie said with surprise, “Nick? What are you doing here?” This was not the first person he’d expected to see even if he was standing in his own kitchen.

“What am I doing here?” Nick snarled. “I don’t know but the last time I checked it was still my house.” He glared at Howie who fidgeted uncomfortably.

“I didn’t mean it like that..I just heard some noise so I went downstairs to check if everything was ok.” He laughed embarrassed. “I thought you were a burglar. His facial expression changed into a frown, “What are you doing here standing in the darkness?”

Nick didn’t answer; instead he shielded his hand with his eyes. “Damn! Can’t you shut off that light? It hurts my eyes.”

Ignoring the comment Howie had a sudden wave of déjà vu. He was thrown back eight years in time, to when they were standing in the small kitchen of the apartment he and Brian rented back in Orlando. At that time he’d woke up, just like now, by a strange noise coming from the kitchen and when he turned on the light he’d found Nick standing there in the pitch black kitchen raiding the cupboard. What was funny was that his only comment had been “Shut it off! It hurts my eyes!” That time however his hands had been full with all kinds of assorted goodies, like candy bars, chips and popcorn. After more interrogating it turned out that he and Brian had planned a whole night eating snacks and playing videogames, although they had tried to be as quiet as possible. Howie had went berserk and called in Kevin to the scene and then there had been repercussions

That old. Memory brought a smile to his face. Noticing this Nick asked a bit confused, “What’s so funny D?”

“Oh nothing. I just remembered something. You know when I caught you after you had raided the kitchen in that apartment me and Bri rented back in the days. I had a vision of you back then, standing with all those candy bars in your arms, looking like I caught you off hand.

A smile lit up Nick’s face too, even if it was only for a few seconds. “Oh that time. God. Yeah I remembered it. You raised all hell and even got Kevin up.” He looked at his friend suspiciously, “You’re not gonna do that again are you?”

The older man frowned, “What?”

“You know get Kevin to come. Because if you are since I can’t afford being grounded again.” He grinned.

That comment had Howie laughing. “Nah I don’t think so Nicky. You’re a grown man now even if you rarely act like one.”

“Hey!” Nick swatted him on his arm. “I’m 22, not some kind of kid you know.” His eyes gleamed from being mischievous and Howie noticed with satisfaction that his friend still had that weird sense of humour that had more or less become his trademark. Even if he’d been lacking it lately.

He was about to say something witty back when Nick asked, “D can you please turn off that bright light? “ He pointed to the ceiling. “The chemo makes my eyes a bit sensitive you know.”

The subject had gone serious again.

Quickly Howie sprinted into action. “Of course, but why didn’t you tell me that?” He lit the light in the window instead, giving away a cosy feeling in the kitchen.

“Nevermind

Sensing that it would be a good time to change the topic Howie asked, “So tell me. What you’re doing up at this kind of hour then?”

“Nothing much. I felt a bit hungry so I came in to see if I could find something to eat.” Nick opened the refrigerator. “You don’t happen to have anything left from that pizza do you?”

“Pizza?” surprised but also happy over the fact that his friend had mentioned something similar to having an appetite Howie looked at the young man as he went on.

“Yeah Pizza. Jay told me that he was going to get me some but I took a rain check since I wasn’t that hungry. So you saved some for me or not?” There was a bit of accusation in his voice and Howie flinched with his eyes.

“Eh..uh.. We didn’t order any..” Before he could end the sentence he was cut off by Nick.

“You didn’t get any? How come? You had no dinner?” He frowned in disappointment.

“No, It’s not that. We had shrimp instead.” Howie motioned with his hand towards the plate. “I think there might be some left for you. Kev saved you some.” Instead of digging into the dish like he was used to seeing Nick do, at least a year back, the young man scrunched up his nose in disgust.

“Shrimp? No thanks.”

Confused over the sudden change in attitude Howie asked, “What’s the matter? You used to like seafood.” The Latino’s brown eyes looked searchingly at his friend. He lifted the lid to tempt his friend. “See it’s your specialty.” “Um.” The younger man covered his mouth quickly, “Close the lid!” He looked like he was going to get sick so Howie did as he was asked to do.

“You ok?”

“Mmmm.” Nick nodded, while swallowing hard. “It’s just that the chemo is doing a number on my stomach again. It’s kind of weird. The things that I liked before the treatment can make me sick, especially the smell of fish, while other stuff that I didn’t like before I am crazy about. Like Brussels sprouts!” He smiled a bit embarrassed.

“Brussels sprouts?” Howie had no idea that Nick liked that kind of food. He was going to make a funny comment when he noticed how the younger mans hand had travelled to his stomach, holding it in a tight grip like it was his only chance to stop the pain from creeping any further.

All of a sudden Nick got a blank look on his face. He acted like he was dizzy and like he was on the verge of passing out. Instantly Howie was there with a helping hand. “You sure that you’re all right? ‘Cause you looked mighty green there for a second. Like you’re going to pass out.” He gestured over to a chair by the table. “Maybe you should sit down for a moment.”

“No, I’m fine.” Nick did his best to steel himself but then did as Howie suggested and planted his butt on the chair. He was taking several short breaths, like he was in pain.

“You ok? You feeling sick? You want me to get something? Someone? Kevin?” Panic dwelled up inside the older man.

“No!” Nick’s tone as sharp, much sharper than he’d intended it to be. “Not Kevin!” His only reply was another frown out of Howie like he was asking why. Then he went on, “I’m fine. It’s nothing. This damned sickness comes sneaking up on me when I least expect it.” He breathed out, “Just like right now. It usually helps if I sit down for a moment.”

“Ok.” Howie had gone silent and it looked like he didn’t believe a word that his friend said.”

Noticing this Nick added, with a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry D. It’s nothing, besides I’m fine again.” He chuckled, “You got something else besides shrimp to eat? I think I’m hungry again.

“You are?” His friend was acting weirder than a pregnant woman.

“Yes!” Nick laughed. “For crying out loud D, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He waved with his hand in front of Howie. “Heeeloooooo…It’s me Nick and yeeeeessss I’m hungry. Again.”

Howie wasn’t so sure that Nick was telling the truth. The blonde had a habit of always pretending like everything was fine and dandy when in reality something was eating him from inside. This came with being on the road for some many years and he’ d tried to muster up strength to go through the very pressed schedule they all were living by. They had all been afflicted by it but not as severe as Nick had, being the youngest and the most sensitive one in the group. This had lead to Nick dealing with problems with a joke or a prank, to brighten up his own miserable days, but also to make everyone else laugh. Especially if they showed concerned for him.

The older man was about to suggest that he eat a bowl of cheerio’s or maybe some toast. It would be gentle on his stomach. But that was not his friend’s idea of a meal.

“No..nothing like that. I’m sick and tired of eating that bland crap, not to mention that nasty stuff they fed me by the line.” He made a face before his eyes suddenly lit up. “Let’s do something wild D! Let’s order pizza!”

“At this time of night?” Howie frowned, “Isn’t that a bit too late?” He didn’t want to spoil the younger mans good mood but eating when it was practically dawn sent his stomach into contractions. It didn’t help Nick much that the Latino was a picture of health and he wasn’t the one to pig out on fast-food.

“Let’s get crazy and do like we did when we were back in Europe. Order a pizza and just talk. Or even better let’s play a game.”

Howie smiled. “It was you that did that. You and Brian. Not me. I went to bed.”

“Bed?” Nick blurted out. “My ass!”

The Latino laughed. “Yes I did.”

“You did not.” Nick pointed at his stomach. “You dude..You went out partying; don’t think that I didn’t know where you guys went when you said that you were going to your room.” A smirk. “I even followed you once.”

“You did?” This time Howie’s chin dropped.

“Yup!” A grin spread out on his face. “Dude I never knew that you could drink that much. It was like you were a freaking mushroom.”

“I didn’t drink that much!” Howie felt he had to defend his honour.

“Yeah right! You can kiss my ass. You,” he pointed at Howie’s stomach again. “You my friend were so smashed at times that it wasn’t even funny. And don’t you think that I knew that the “flu” you and Jay contracted over in Spain was due to that heavy party you guys had. .” Nick laughed. “I might be blonde, but I’m not that stupid!”

Howie had no chance to object before Nick said with a smirk. “But that’s not the worst part.”

“What? There’s more?” The older man became suddenly very eager to find out what he was talking about.

“There sure is.” Nick looked mischievous.

“ Spill it. What did you see?”

“Patience. patience,” Nick’s eyes danced with laughter. When he knew that he’d reached what was the limit,” You and those girls! You were making all those sleazy comments to them. And they fell for it. That you were Mr. Nice guy.”

Howie feigned hurt. “I didn’t make any bad comments and I was the nice guy.” He didn’t like where this conversation was going, yet he was curious what would be spilled.

“Yeah right!” Nick grinned and then pretended with his voice to be a young Howie Dourough. “Oh your eyes are as blue as sapphire. You’re the only one for me.” The younger man laughed loudly, “God! I can’t believe that they fell for that crap!”

“It wasn’t crap!”

“Yeah it was.” Nick laughed. “Pure bullshit and you told that to every girl.” He grinned. “Dude I can’t believe that you never got caught.”

Even if Howie felt a bit bad he couldn’t help but laugh. Not for what his friend was saying, no it was more the fact that he’d never seen Nick so happy for a long time. “Yeah, maybe it was a sleazy thing to do,” he agreed, before adding, “but the girls liked it.”

“And so did you.”

“Yeah I guess…but then I think we all took advantage at that time. We were young and we didn’t know better.”

“Uh huh.” Nick went serious for a moment. “You ever think back to those times Howie?”

“What do you mean?”

“On those times when we had just started? When we were travelling all around the world? When there weren’t so many problems?” At once there was something sad in Nick’s face. Something that made Howie feel uneasy.

“Mmmm..Sometimes. Do you?”

Nick nodded. “Yeah…you know I’ve had some time to think when I’ve been cooped up in the Hospital and I want you guys to know that if something happens to me….”

Howie cut him short. “Nothing will happen to you.” He didn’t like it when Nick talked like that. When he was that serious. He had an idea where the blonde was taking this and he didn’t want to be a part of it. The whole situation with Nick having cancer had bothered Howie more than he ever let on. He’d experienced a life treating illness with his sister and he’d always had a tough time dealing with things like this. To Howie everyone next to him was close and the mere thought of loosing another member of his family sent him into fright.

If he didn’t like the last topic because of embarrassment he thought that this topic was downright scary. Howie had always been a person that was close to his feelings, at least on the outside, but when it hit too close to home he had a habit of shutting them out. Dealing with cancer, with sickness, with death, hurt too much and he had no real tools to deal with that kind of matter. Just by looking at Nick he saw that his friend was about to spill something serious. Something that would stir up those feelings that Howie did his best to control. Did his best to hide.

“No let me go on,” Nick held up his hand. When he was certain that Howie wouldn’t interrupt him again he continued “As I said before. If something happens to me I want you guys to know that being with you has been the best time of my life. Without you I don’t know how I could have handled things. You’re the one that taught me what it means to be a caring and genuine person and you’re the one that set me straight when I had those fallouts. I love you guys and no matter what happens in the future you will always be my brothers.”

Howie felt his eyes go all wet. The words Nick said hit him straight in the heart and he knew that it wasn’t something the blonde said just for fun. It was something that came straight from the heart. It was the truth and it was an act of love.

“What ‘cha thinking about?”

Nick jerked from his thoughts looking over at AJ. “Huh?”

“I asked what you were thinking about, you didn’t look like you were on the same planet.”

Nick ran a finger along the rim of his glass of water. “Nothing.”

AJ flipped a kitchen chair backwards, straddling the seat. “Kaos, you realize you can’t fool me....I’ve known you way too long so spill it.”

“There’s nothing to spill,” Nick replied not bothering to look up at his bandmate, eyes trained on the untouched glass of water.

AJ laid his head ontop of the chair, focusing his eyes on the young man. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke once again. “Aren’t you gonna take them?”

“Take what?”

“The pills you’ve been playing with ever since I came into the kitchen,” he gestured with a thumb at the assortment of medication that laid on the table next to the glass of water.

Nick shrugged his shoulders in reply. “I’m starting to wonder if there is really a point of all of it.”

AJ sighed. “Christ Nick, we’ve been over this a million times......you need to take them to help you get better---”

“Well I’m not,” Nick snapped.

“What? You mean you’re not taking them?”

“No I meant to say I’m not getting better......and I doubt I should take this crap anymore.....it kinda makes me feel sick to my stomach about an hour after I take that blue pill and well after the pink one too.....and....” Nick scooped the mixture of eleven pills into his hand and shoved them into his mouth followed by a generous gulp of water.

AJ watched as his brother followed the routine that had become a part of his daily exsistence. “Now that wasn’t so bad was it?”

Wiping his mouth with the back of a hand, Nick grimaced. “Bad? It was shitty.” Slowly rising from his seat, Nick took small, measured steps toward the kitchen sink with the drinking glass.

“Let me take care of it for you,” AJ offered.

“I can do it myself, I’m not crippled,” Nick spat.

“Good morning fellas,” Howie sing-songed his way into the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Nick grunted.

Howie looked at Nick and then mouthed ‘what’s wrong?’ to AJ.

“I’m going to lay down, you can talk all you want about me when I leave the room.”

“Nicky, we’re not gonna talk about you, I just wodered if somethings wrong by the way you’re acting,” Howie defended.

Nick stopped in his footsteps, slouching his shoulders. “Why can’t I say I’m tired without everyone wondering whats wrong? You guys are always wondering whats wrong. I’m sick! I have cancer! I’m probably dying! Do you want to ask me anything else?..........Good, I’m going to lay down.”

Howie stood in the kitchen; mouth agape staring as Nick slowly made his way out of the kitchen toward the downstairs room that Kevin had set up for his temporary bedroom. “I just don’t understand the mood swings,” he whispered as he made his way over to the coffee pot. “Even when he was well he would bite my head off and then when he first was sick with this he was all quiet not wanting to hurt feelings but gosh now he seems to be angry at everyone and everything. I just don’t understand....”

Nick stopped in the middle of the living room. “I’m just sick of all the questions, okay? It’s got nothing to do with you, please don’t take it personally.”

With that said, Nick slowly made his way back towards the room that used to house his prize possesions. Gone was the wide screen television, the PS2, the XBox, replaced with a hospital bed, an IV pump and emesis basins. The constant reminder of how his life had dramatically changed.

He hated the way his game room had been transformed into a sick room. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the decisions that Kevin had made for him from the hospital equipment right down to the handicap ramp leading up to his front door. No, it wasn’t that Nick didn’t appreciate the changes it was the reality of the changes that confronted him.

He had cancer and it was unpredictible.

AJ plopped his feet ontop of the coffee table, tucking his arms underneath his head. “Boy that kid must be tuckered out today. He’s slept for almost ten hours.”

“Yeah well you know he tires easily,” Howie replied, not bothering to lower the newspaper he was reading.

“But ten hours? That has to be a record for Nick!”

Finally Howie laid the newspaper down, checking his watch. “Wow, I guess I didn’t realize that it was almost seven-thirty. Should we call for a pizza or something? I bet Nick will probably be hungry when he wakes up.”

“Shouldn’t we have woke him up for his meds?” AJ questioned.

“Just let him sleep until the pizza gets here.....I’m sure a few hours won’t matter.”

“But what do we say when Kevin comes back?”

“That Nick was tired and slept?”

“No dumbass, I mean about the meds. You know how Kevin is totally anal when it comes to schedules and Nick taking his meds has to be a strict schedule.”

“True, I guess we don’t say anything unless Kevin asks us specifically......where’s the phone book?”

AJ smirked. “I think Kaos has the pizza place on speed dial.”

“Yeah but what number?”

“Try pound 9-1-1.....”

Howie furrowed his brow at the rebel. “Ha ha funny Jay,” he stated dryly.

“I dunno I think I saw Nick do a pound six once, try that number.”

“Seriously Bone, I’m not gonna pic some random number!”

AJ grabbed the phone from Howie. “D you’re such a fricken pansy!” With his tongue poked out from a corner of his mouth, AJ pressed #911. After two rings, a soft, very female voice answered.

"Vanessa's Erotica Sex Line, who would you like to speak with tonight, Mr. Adams?"

A quick smile curved on AJ's lips when the realization of the nature of the #911 was for. "Um, I can't remember her name, could you check my file and tell me?"

"Certainly Mr. Adams, one moment please.....I'm sorry but Monique no longer is with us, she left back in 2001. Would you like to speak with Rachel, she may be within your tastes?"

"Sure," AJ grinned, leaning back into the sofa. Howie looked questionably at his rebel brother.

"Alright sir, but it's been since the winter of 2001 that we've last spoke with you, I need to update our files, can you please verify your credit card information before I transfer your call?"

"Ah, no thanks, I'm suddenly not in the mood anymore, thanks," with that, AJ disconnected the call.

"Not in the mood for what and who were you talking to? Is Nick on a first name basis with the pizza person or something?" Howie demanded.

Setting the phone down, AJ chuckled to himself. "Nope, seems like our little Nicky was on a first name basis with the phone sex people."

"When the heck did Nick do that? I thought he was too tired to do much of anything when he's awake."

AJ's smile faded. Clearing his throat, he blinked the tears back that were starting to well up into his eyes. "Yeah, um, he hasn't done that since 2002, must be right before he got sick I guess."

Howie sat in silence, digesting the reality that AJ pointed out. After a few moments, he quickly stood up. "I'm gonna go check in on Nicky, you find that pizza place number and call them, okay?"

On his way toward Nick's room, he was stopped as the front door swung open, revealing rain-soaked Kevin Richardson. Howie looked past the tall Kentuckian. "It's raining out?"

Kicking the heavy wooden door closed with his left foot Kevin glared at the Latino with disgust. "Pouring! I thought the Bruce's flight was going to be delayed again, but thank God the thunderstorms passed. How's Nick?"

"I was just going in to check on him."

Kevin's eyes widened in alarm. "Something wrong with Nick?"

"No, I was just checking on him, he's been taking a long nap today..."

Kevin reached out and grabbed Howie's shoulder. "Long nap? How long of a nap that you have to check up on him?"

"How did the meeting go with Bruce?"

Kevin leveled a seering glare into Howie's eyes. "Don't change the subject! How long has Nick been sleeping?"

Not waiting for an answer, he brushed past Howie and burst into the sickroom. Kevin rushed up to the side of the hospital bed and turned on the small lamp that had been situated ontop of the nightstand. Pausing for a brief moment, he placed a hand onto of the young man's forehead.

"He's burning up! Howie, when did he go to bed?"

"Um I-I don't remember," the Latino stammered. "Just wake him up and give him something for the fever, I'm sure he's fine, maybe he got overheated with the blankets and stuff."

"Got the pizza called in for delivery, they said something like 20 minutes," AJ announced as he walked into the room.

Kevin turned, glaring at AJ. "What time did Nick go to bed?"

AJ shrugged his shoulders, glancing at his watch. "I dunno, like maybe nine, ten hours ago, why?"

"Ten hours! Jesus.....Nick! C'mon buddy, wake up, please," Kevin went from a booming voice to a pleading voice as he rubbed Nick's shoulder. Kevin didn't stop rubbing the ailing man's shoulder as he muttered, "He missed his scheduled meds, I thought you two would be ontop of this stuff and not let him miss his scheduled meds."

"We figured he needed the rest..we lost track of the time," AJ admitted sheepishly in defense.

"Ten fucking hours?!"

"He needed his rest, he said he was tired," Howie defended.

"I can't wake him up," Kevin softly sobbed, "Call an ambulance!"

Just as the words were uttered, Nick stirred, a small whimper escaped his mouth.

"Nick? Wake up, please," Kevin pleaded.

Nick blinked his eyes several times as he tried to get his bearings.

"Hey Kaos," AJ rasped, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.

Furrowing his brow as he looked up at his older brothers gathered around his bed, Nick tried to comprehend why they were looming over him with tears in their eyes. "What are you guys doing in here?" he softly questioned. "Don't you have your own rooms?"

"Yeah, but you slept for almost eleven hours, kiddo," Kevin sniffled.

Nick narrowed his eyes as he focused on Kevin's wet clothes and hair. "Why are you wet?"

"You're burning up, I'm calling an ambulance to take you back to the hospital," the Kentuckian replied, ignoring the question.

"Just chill Kev, I get warm sometimes when I sleep, no big deal."

"It is a big deal Nick, you're running a temp and I know damn well it's pretty high."

Nick dismissed his fears. "I don't think so."

Reaching into the top drawer of the night stand, Kevin produced the ear-style thermometer and quickly placed it into Nick's ear. In seconds the device beeped. Pulling it out, Kevin glanced at the reading only to pull the device closer to his eyes. "103.9, I'm calling an ambulance!"

"No Kevin! Please don't do that!" Nick protested, grabbing the older man's arm.

"Nicky, you need to get to the hospital, you have a high fever."

"I've had higher fevers than that and you know it Kev."

"Yeah but that was before you had cancer and I know for a fact that this is serious Nick."

"Maybe it's cause I slept for too long? Yeah, that has to be it," he theorized.

"Nicky, you probably should go to the hospital," Howie joined in the debate.

"How about if I eat, lemme eat something I'm sure I'll be okay."

"Nick, I have to do this," Kevin insisted.

"You can call, but I'm not going."

"Kaos, why are you being so stubborn? They will probably give you an IV or something and keep you overnight and you'll get bounced out in the morning," AJ stated.

Nick turned his head away from the men standing around his bed. "No it won't be that way."

"Huh? What are you talking about Nicky? I'm sure it will be that way."

Nick looked at the guys, ignorning the unchecked tears on his cheeks. "If I leave here tonight, I won't be coming back."

"Not tonight you won't," AJ agreed.

Nick shook his head. "Ever."

Nick awoke to the familiar antiseptic smell of the hospital. He groaned inwardly when he recalled the protested trip back to the hospital, compliments of Kevin Richardson. He knew that Kevin cared about him and was doing this for his own good, but deep inside, Nick believed that he would never be allowed to return home. He didn't dare tell anyone his feelings, fearing that they would think he was being either crazy or suicidal. He was more worried about the latter.

A young woman entered the room carrying a breakfast tray. "Good morning Mr. Carter."

"It's Nick," Nick quickly corrected.

The girl grinned as she set the tray on the bedstand.

"You can take that back, I'm not really hungry this morning."

"Sorry, but I have to leave it here, you should at least try to eat something."

Nick peered at the covered breakfast tray, wishing someone would walk in and move it away from his bed. The smells of the breakfast made his stomach do a few flip-flops. After a few moments, he was reqarded with Dr. Andersen entering the room dressed in a surgical gown and mask. At first he assumed that she had just came back from performing surgery but when he detected her eyes were filled with worry, alarms started sounding off in his brain.

"Dr. Andersen? You were in surgery, weren't you?" he asked with a hopeful voice.

The older woman sadly shook her head. "I'm sorry Nickolas, I'm afraid your counts are bad, I am having you moved to isolation this morning."

"Isolation? Why?"

The doctor sat softly on the edge of her patient's bed. "Nickolas, I'm afraid I have some bad news about your blood test."

Tears immediately sprung into Nick's eyes as he waited for the news that he had been dreading ever since the diagnois had been almost ten months ago.

"When you were brought in last night, you had spiked a temp and were pretty lethargic. The blood tests that I ordered came back with what I had hoped we would never get on you. Your white count was off the charts, I'm afraid you've contracted sepsis."

He blinked as he tried to digest what the doctor had stated. At first he wasn't sure he had heard her correctly. "Sepsis?"

"It's a blood infection."

"I thought I would only go into isolation when the time came for the bone marrow transplant."

"Yes, that would have been the reason, but Nickolas, you have a blood infection so that now puts a new wrinkle in your cancer. Your body is taxed and you cannot possibly fight off any germ that may invade your system - a common cold could kill you. I believe that keeping you in a sterile environment is the best defense in keeping you safe."

Nick swallowed hard as he tried to summon the courage to ask the next question. "Will I get better?"

Dr. Andersen sighed. "I wish I knew Nickolas, I'm hoping so. I promise I will be doing everything I possibly can for you."

"I know you are, but I'm scared," he squeaked.

In a comforting gesture, the doctor patted her patient's leg. "You're such a stubborn character, I'm sure you'll give it one hell of a fight."

That comment made Nick smile. "You're probably right."

"I'll check in on you in a bit once you've gotten settled in your new room."

Nick watched as the doctor left his room. Sighing he let his thoughts drift as he stared at the ceiling tiles. He shook his head in disbelief as his mind went over the new hurdle in his battle with cancer. When was his body going to give him a break? Will it ever give him a break?

Kevin, Howie and AJ had spent the night in the private waiting room down the hall from Nick's room. The night had been long and it was aparant on their faces.

AJ had managed to fall asleep in the small love seat, Howie kept drifting in and out of sleep as he tried to focus his attention on the same page of a magazine he had been trying to read for the past four hours. Kevin on the other hand, was sitting forward in an armchair, his head cradled in his hands as the Kentuckian submerged himself in deep thoughts about his young brother.

Dr. Andersen's movements in the private room, tore Kevin away from his thoughts. He quickly stood up and cleared his throat.

"You can sit back down Mr. Richardson," Dr. Andersen directed as she sat in the empty chair next to Kevin.

"How's Nick?" Kevin asked anxiously. The sound of his voice jerked AJ awake as well as Howie and both men quickly directed their attention to the doctor.

"Nickolas is being transferred to isolation."

"Isolation?!" AJ boomed as he sprung up from the loveseat. Kevin quickly shot a glare to his rebel brother.

"He has contracted a blood infection--"

"Oh God," Howie breathed, he knew how serious that was because of Caroline.

"What is sepsis?" Kevin asked.

Dr. Andersen outlined Nick's condition to each of them before sadly adding, "Usually sepsis isn't a fatal condition, but with Nickolas having cancer, a blood infection most often can be fatal, there is only a 60% chance that he could recover. I'm moving him to isolation in hopes that his body can fight this infection."

"How long do you think he will need to be in isolation?" Kevin wondered.

"It all depends on Nickolas," Dr. Andersen admitted.

"Is he going to die?" AJ rasped, quickly changing his words after he noted the looks of displeasure on the faces of Howie and Kevin. "He's gonna make it, right?"

"Jay! She said he has a 60% chance of beating this!" Howie replied.

"I think Nickolas will be trying his best to get well," Dr. Andersen agreed. "He does have a stubborn side to him and I think that is a remarkable quailty for him to have right now."

Howie smiled. "Yeah, Nicky is a hard ass."

The doctor smiled in agreement. "Are there any questions?"

"Will we be able to see him at all?" Kevin asked.

"Yes, but you will have to follow isolation rules and precautions. Go through the double doors and stop at the nurses station, but only one of you may see Nickolas at a time. I'll make sure someone comes down to let you know when he is settled."

"Would it be in Nick's best interests to call his family?" Howie questioned.

"I think that would be a good idea."

"You just said that Nicky would pull through!" AJ protested.

"No, I said that Nickolas has the personality to beat the odds, I didn't make any promises," Dr. Andersen corrected.

"Then you're changing your mind?"

"No, I'm just saying that maybe he would like to have his family here as support."

"We can let Nick decide if he wants us to call his family, okay?" Kevin decided. He then extended his hand to the doctor. "Thank you, Dr. Andersen."

Kevin Richardson was the first visitor allowed in Nick's isolation room. The tall Kentuckian was gowned up from head to toe in surgical garb, only his green eyes and familiar dark eyebrows were the only things visible that would let Nick know who was entering the room.

Nick waggled his eyebrows at his brother. "You look pretty impressive," he smirked.

Kevin couldn't help but laugh at how silly he must have looked. "Yeah, singer during the day, surgeon at night," he quipped.

"I wouldn't go that far," Nick laughed.

Looking at the various IV's that were hanging from the pole beside the bed, Kevin's mood grew serious. "Aren't you glad I didn't listen to your protests on coming to the hospital?"

Nick followed his brothers eyes to the IV line. "Yeah, I suppose."

"You've never done anything easy, you realize that, don't you?"

"That's me, probably why you nicknamed me Kaos I guess."

Kevin smiled at the memory of a young Nick Carter, tripping over his own two feet. "Yeah you were like a lost puppy when we first met."

"Puppy? I think I was more like a rottweiler, ready to mark my territory!"

"I beg to differ, do you remember when your pants ripped onstage infront of that row of girls you were trying to impress?"

Nick folded his arms across his chest. "I thought you were here to cheer me up!" He tried his best to feign a hurt look but his sour look was quickly replaced with a lopsided grin.

"Hey, is it okay if we call your folks and tell them about---"

"Absolutely not! That's the last thing I need is Jane coming here and telling the staff how to take care of me! I swear she makes things worse for me than better," Nick snapped.

"Alright, no Jane, but how about Aaron?"

"No, he's too busy right now and I don't like getting him worried and stuff."

"Are you sure? I know he'd love to see you and support you."

"I'm sure."

For a few moments, the conversation lapsed. Nick suddenly stifled a fake yawn. "Kev, I'm kinda sleepy, I'm gonna close my eyes and sleep, I'm sorry."

Kevin squeezed Nick's foot. "You don't have to apologize for feeling sleepy, I've probably stayed too long anyway, you need to rest."

Nick grinned. Thanks and Kev, tell D and Jay that I'll talk to them later, I can't wait to see how stupid AJ looks dressed as a doctor."

"Sure thing bro, talk to you later."

Closing his eyes, Nick sank his head deeper into the pillow. He felt bad for lying to Kevin and saying he was tired, but he didn't think he could take another minute of him pressuring him into allowing them to call Aaron or worse, his parents to come and see him. This was the last place on earth he wanted anyone to have to come to.

As much as he hated to admit it, he missed his family, most of all, he missed Aaron.

"Maybe when AJ comes in to see me, I'll tell him that I wanna see Aaron," Nick told himself.

With that, he allowed the sleep to wash over him. Rest was the best thing that Doctor Andersen could prescribe and Nick was going to make sure he followed that order at least, if anything else.

Nick stared at the nurse that entered his hospital room; surgical mask covering her identity. She was quick to notice her patient's puzzled gaze.

"Hi, my names Katie, I'm your afternoon nurse."

"Oh....hi," Nick murmured back, voice void of interest as he watched her hang fresh sets of IV bags onto the pole.

"Since you're awake, I'll check your vitals now instead of waiting for the orderly to do them--"

"Awake? I've been awake."

Katie grinned. "No you haven't you've been asleep since I came on my shift three hours ago, if I remember correctly, you've been sleeping since eleven. I'll order you a tray when I'm finished."

"You can skip the tray, I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat, Mr. Car---"

"Nick, please just call me Nick," he interrupted.

"Okay Nick, you still need to eat, you have to keep up your strength."

Nick chuckled. "For what? I'm sure I won't be getting up and running the marathon anytime soon."

Katie pulled an ear theromometer from her pocket, Nick instantly started to fidget. "Hold still so I can check your temp."

"Geeze, you're a little bossy," he muttered.

Katie placed a gloved hand on Nick's forehead to hold him still as she placed the device into his ear. "Yup," she breathed as she waited for the signal to sound off. "One hundred two point four," she announced as she scribbled the numbers onto a slip of paper.

"Normal for me," Nick quipped. "Does that mean I can leave?"

"You're asking the wrong person," Katie replied as she placed her stephoscope onto her patient's chest.

"So when do you think I can---"

"S-h-h-h, I'm trying to listen to your lungs," the young nurse admonished. Nick obeyed the woman's request, fighting the urge to continue his conversation, waiting patiently for her to finish her task. Once the nurse pulled the instrument from her ears and slung them over her shoulders, he plunged into his questioning again.

"So when do you think Dr. Andersen will let me go home?"

Katie patted Nick softly on his shoulder. "You'd have to ask Dr. Andersen when you see her. Did you need me to get you anything?"

Nick thought for a moment. "Yeah, could you see if my friend AJ would like to come down and see me please?"

"You've got your vices and I got mine," AJ snarled as he sat heavily onto an empty chair across from Howie.

"Well I would imagine since Nicky's got cancer you'd be more thoughtful about what causes cancer---"

"You'd be more thoughtful to shut the ever fucking hell up!" AJ breathed through gritted teeth.

Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to block out the bickering. Everyone's patience was wearing thin and he originally thought it would have been better if they had left the hopsital and waited back at Nick's, now he was wishing he had heeded his own advice.

"I'm just sayin' that we should all be more thoughtful--"

"You never know when to stop, do you D?"

"Guys........guys! stop the bickering," Kevin sighed. "That would be even more thoughtful than anything else, don't you think? How about we just go back to Nick's house? I'm sure we can come back and see him later when he's feeling up to some company."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, we're getting a little cagey," Howie agreed as he stood up.

"I suppose so, that way I can smoke without the lobby sentinal monitoring my every move," AJ snorted.

Just as the men were making their way to leave, Katie stopped them in the doorway. "Mr. Carter said he'd like to see AJ, follow me and I'll show you where you go to gown up."

Wordlessly, AJ followed the young nurse. He couldn't help but smirk as she held open the yellow disposable gown for him to slip his arms through. He was compliant as she instructed him to put the paper booties over his sneakers and didn't utter a word when she slipped the surgical mask in front of his chest.

"Here's the surgical cap, you have to wear this as well," Katie stated as she held out the object.

"How the heck will the boy be able to recognize me?" AJ wondered outloud.

"Trust me, I'm sure he'll know you as soon as you set your foot in his room. He's gotten pretty good at this already."

"How is he doing?"

"I guess he's feeling as good as can be expected. Follow me, his room is just down the hall."

AJ followed the nurse down the quiet, antiseptic hallway. His thoughts became preoccupied with what to say to Nick as he approached the room.

"You can walk in, you don't have to wait," the nurse said, quickly grabbing the tattooed rebel by the arm. "Don't forget, you have to put the mask on, he doesn't need to catch anything."

AJ nodded absently as he slipped the cloth mask over his face. He quickly realized that by his mistake he could introduce some type of germ to Nick's 'clean and sterile' environment. A germ that could prove fatal to his friend's taxed immune system.

Clearing his throat as he pushed on the door, AJ entered Nick's room, forcing a smile on his face. "Hey Kaos!"

Nick looked over toward the door and quickly burst into laughter. "You really look like a dork!"

AJ feigned a hurt look on his face. "I thought I looked pretty professional."

"I sure as hell wouldn't let you touch me!"

"Dr. McLean, brain surgeon," AJ tested the title outloud.

"Dr. McLean, undertaker would be more like it," Nick grinned.

"Jealous?"

Nick thought for a moment and shook his head. "I wouldn't want a job where I had to come to this place every day of my life."

AJ pondered the statement as he looked his friend over. Nick's normally pale complexion was flushed with fever, his blue eyes were glassy and pale. "How are you feeling?"

Nick wavered his hand. "So-so, the norm for me I guess."

"Oh."

The silence in the room was deafening. AJ's eyes trailed from Nick to the IVs hanging on a pole next to the bed and then to the monitors that were situated at the head of the bed. Nick's eyes followed AJ's.

"Gets pretty old after awhile."

AJ shivered involuntarily. "No, it doesn't get old Nick, it gets scarier."

Sensing his friend's discomfort on the subject, Nick quickly tried to get AJ to cheer up. "C'mon, don't go all weird on me."

Blinking back the tears, AJ forced a smile on his masked face.

Nick fiddled with the IV tubing absently as he tried to think of something to get AJ to stop standing there feeling sorry for him.

"Hey, don't pick at that!"

Nick instantly let go of the thin, clear plastic tube. "Geesh, you're starting to sound like Kevin."

"Oh man, those are fighting words!"

"C'mon, show me what you got," Nick kidded.

"If I wasn't afraid someone would walk in and catch me beating your ass, I would Carter!"

"So what's really stopping you?" Nick asked, his hands balled into light fists.

"Dammit Nick, you know what's stopping me, quit kidding around!"

Nick suddenly went from feeling playful to angry. "Don't do that!"

"Huh? Do what?"

"Stop treating me like I'm some type of helpless wuss---"

"Nick you know damn well I can't start beating up on you!"

Nick growled as he pulled his blankets closer to his neck. "I'm so sick and tired of people treating me like this!"

"Jesus Nick, would you knock it the fuck off? I'll leave, I swear I'll leave," AJ threatened.

Instantly, Nick realized that he had pushed AJ too far. His attitude softened. "I'm sorry Bone, I didn't mean to be like that. I guess I just get tired of everyone treating me different, lets just back up and start over, okay? I'm really sorry."

"S'okay kid, I think I know where you're coming from."

"Jay?"

"Grab a chair and sit down, I won't bite."

AJ shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "I dunno if that's a good idea."

"Judas Jay, you won't make me any sicker sitting beside me," Nick chuckled.

AJ tentatively sat down in the hard plastic chair that was situated in the corner of the hospital room.

"You know you can pull the chair up next to me so I can actually see your stupid ass."

AJ laughed nervously as he stood up and noisily scratched the chair across the room. Once he was settled back down next to Nick he saw Nick's relaxed expression. AJ reciprocated with a tight smile.

"Hey Jay?"

"Yes Nick?"

"Could you do me a favor since I'm not allowed a phone in here?"

"Anything, just name it."

"Um, could you call Aaron and tell him I'd like to see him?"

AJ felt a chill run up his spine.

"Hey, don't worry it's not cause I'm gonna die on you or anything, I guess I really want to see the little squirrel. I miss him."

"I wasn't thinking that!" AJ quickly explained.

Nick tucked an arm underneath his head. "I could see it in your eyes, I just wanna see him."

"Do you want me to call him right now?"

Nick shook his head. "No, not right now. Could you stay with me until I fall asleep?"

AJ reached over and squeezed his band brother's leg. "You know I will...."

"Thanks Jay, do you mind watching cartoons? I'm getting pretty tired of the talk shows."

Turning his chair around to face the television, AJ sank back into the hard plastic seat, resting his feet against the bed frame.

Nick noticed the disposable shoe covers on AJ's sneakers. "Nice shoes."

"Thanks, it's a fashion trend, you like?"

Nick grinned. "Love it."

"I'll make sure to grab you a pair before I leave."

"Don't bother."

"Sorry."

"Jay!"

AJ knew exactly what Nick meant. He wanted to be treated as 'normal.' "Oops, I meant to say, go to sleep!"

Nick closed his eyes. "Thanks, thats what I thought you said."

Nick had taken up on AJ’s request of him sleeping and he’d been dosing on and off all evening. He’d fallen asleep while talking to AJ and when he’d woke up his friend was gone. When he tried to ask one of the nurses that came in regularly to check him where AJ had gone, he found that he was too tired to even open his eyes and therefore decided that sleep was what he needed and soon he was off to dreamland again.

Sleeping had always been one of his favorite hobbies. It was something he didn’t have the luxury to do so much in the past, being on the road and all. There was often early wake up calls, and sometimes he only got a few hours of shut eye in a night. The only time when he got the time to catch up on his sleep deprivation was when he was on a break or when he was in a plane or a bus, but even then he was usually too worked up or overtired to be able to relax.

Now days it was like he was trying to catch up on the sleep he lacked in his past. It sucked feeling like he was going to faint every time he sat up straight in bed and standing up anytime now proved to be a real hassle. His last trip back home had proved to be nothing but a failure and he didn’t like the way he had to be so dependent upon the other guys. They had their own lives to live and even though they had assured him time after time that they would be there for him, he still knew that they needed to move on. He wanted them to do that.

This last visit home had ended so abruptly and it scared him more than he wanted to admit. What if it had been the last time he ever set his foot in his house? What if all the fighting with this cancer had been for nothing and now he was coming to an end. What if this was the final chapter of his life?

He hoped that it wasn’t like that, but he wasn’t so sure any more. The look in his friends eyes had told him that he was in a serious condition and the way the hospital staff buzzed around him like bees to honey, told him that thing’s were not going too great either. They kept coming into his room, taking all kinds of tests and then leaving again. It was freaking annoying, that was what it was, Nick decided, but on the other hand he guessed he didn’t have much of a choice and therefore did his best to endure the painful procedures.

He’d spoken to Doctor Andersen and she’d come clean and told him that the procedure when they were going to use his own bone marrow wouldn’t be sufficient and therefore they didn’t want to do it in the condition he was in now. The words struck like he’d been jabbed in his stomach with a knife. So this was how the story was going to end? The doctor had spoken to him about possible bone marrow transplantation from a match but upon hearing this he had rejected it. One of his siblings could be the donor but the chance of his survival was so slim right now and Nick didn’t want to put someone he loved through that procedure since it could mean a risk and there was no good guaranteed outcome.

Shivering, Nick pulled the blanket up toward his neck. Chills wracked his body and he decided that it was as cold in the room as if he’d been living in the North Pole. It was no doubt from the high temperature that the nurse told him he was running. Wanting to shrug the pain away Nick wanted to pretend that this was nothing and that he didn’t have cancer and that it was just a bad case of a cold, but he couldn’t. It was time to face the truth. That he was dying.

This was the reason why he wanted to talk to Aaron. He missed the kid so bad and he wanted to tell him how much he loved him. Even though he loved all his family and missed them despite the feuds that had been going on lately, it was as if Aaron always was the closest to him. Nick guessed that it was because Aaron was more like him than he’d thought at first and he knew that his little brother could just as easily head down the rocky path of destruction, just like he’d done before he got his verdict that changed his life. The cancer.

The mere thought of never being able to hug his little brother again sent tears to his eyes and he did his best to blink them away. Nick had never had a hard time crying, but he didn’t like doing it in public. The only people he let see his true feelings were his “brothers” and in some way even his family, and those rare occasions when he’d showed it to the public only when it had all been too much for him to take. It had been when he was so exhausted that he was on the verge of passing out, or when something had happened that really tore his life up; just like the arrest earlier on in the year.

Thinking back Nick couldn’t believe that he’d been sick for almost a year. AJ had told him that Brian had called and said that it wouldn’t be long now until the first Backstreet baby would be born. This was awesome news and Nick hoped, prayed that he would still be around so that he could hold the little baby in his arms when the time came. He couldn’t believe that his best friend was about to start a family and even though things had changed between them he always knew that Brian was the one that understood him the best. He was his guardian angel, the one he could talk to when things got too rough in his life.

Nick sighed.

His head ached even worse than before and he felt nauseous. The drugs he’d been given had done little to take the edge of the pain he was feeling and he felt like he’d been hit by a Mack truck. Rolling to his side Nick tried to find a comfortable position only to notice that the blood pressure cuff he had attached to his arm made it hard to move and with another deep sigh he rolled over on his back again. This sucked so badly and he had to constantly fight the tears that were threatening to spill over.

Feeling miserable he bit back a sob and did a futile attempt to hold back his tears when he gave up and instead let the salty tears flow freely down his cheeks. Moving his hand slowly, to his face he found that it came away wet and it felt actually good to at last surrender to the mental anguish inside of him.

It was cleansing to cry.

Nick had no idea how long he’d been lying there, crying and feeling sorry for himself when the door opened and Nurse Catherine came into his room. Quickly he tried to wipe the tears away, acting like he hadn’t been bawling his eyes out seconds ago. This was a habit he’d learned in the past and even though he knew that it was ridiculous he couldn’t help it. “Oh hi Nick,” she smiled. “I didn’t know that you were awake.” Moving over to his beside she noticed that he’d been crying, but did nothing to acknowledge it, keeping his privacy. For this Nick felt grateful and he smiled back at her.

“Yeah I woke up just recently.”

“Okay. Good.” She placed her hand on his forehead and Nick could see by the look on her face that it was not good news. No doubt he was still running a temp. Without any further notion she picked up a thermometer and then placed it at his ear. Nick didn’t have to wait long before the device beeped and he could tell by the frown on her forehead that the news was just as bad as it had been before. “Everything’s fine?” he asked when he thought the nurse had been silent much too long.

“You’ve got quite a fever there,” she said as she wrote down the numbers on her pad. “103.5”

“Damn!” There was nothing more to say and now he got the explanation why he was feeling so weak today. No wonder that he’d start crying!

“I’m going to give you your pain medication,” the nurse instructed with a serious expression on her face. Uncapping the shot, she injected the fluid straight into the IV line. It burned a little in his veins at first, but it was nothing that he couldn’t handle.

“I’m also giving you something so you can sleep a little better,” she went on as she picked up another syringe and then injected the fluid into the line again. Nick was starting to become used to this procedure and he was actually happy that he had a port so he didn’t have to be stung with needles all the time. At least that was a little light in the misery that he was going through.

“Sleep better? All I do these days is sleep!”

“I know it can be hard,” the nurse patted him lightly on his hand with a comforting gesture. “Dr. Andersen ordered this for you so you will be able to relax and get a good night sleep. Your body needs time to heal so you can fight off this infection. Fight off the fever and get healthy again.”

“So I can be healthy?” Nicks blue eyes stared back at her as he spat. “Lady, I’ve got cancer, not some freaking cold.”

“I know that it can feel hopeless at times,” Nurse Catherine said as she sat down beside him on the chair while she waited for the medication to take effect. There was compassion in her voice and she stroked his hand slowly. “But you need to rest so your body can gain strength.” She sounded like a broken record, even though he knew that she meant well.

“Really? You don’t say?” Nick knew he was being major sarcastic but if he gave in the cancer would win and for him attitude was what had gotten him through somehow in life.

The nurse smiled at him, not paying attention to his approach. “You asked if you could make a call to Los Angeles. Did you do that?” Sometimes it was better to change issues than to press on too hard.

“AJ is going to call him since I’m not allowed to have a phone in here.” This was critique but also the truth. Nick had passed on the task to his friend who hopefully fulfilled his request and maybe the blonde squirt would soon be on the plane to see him. It felt like forever since he’d seen Aaron, not since that time when he gotten into a fight with his mother and his family had left in a hurry. He’d talked with them on the phone on occasion but for some strange reason it just made him feel uncomfortable and sad and he didn’t like the way his family sounded like they would break down the minute he spoke to them.

That was the reason why he refrained from speaking to them.

Nicks eyelids were getting more and heavier and soon he found that he had a hard time keeping his eyes open. The sleeping meds were doing their trick and he felt his limbs go all weak and soon his thoughts drifted far away and he fell asleep.

AJ speed dialed the number to the Carter's from Nick’s home telephone. Nervously, he bit his nail since the signals were taking too long and he’d almost hung up when a voice could be heard on the other side.

“Carter’s residence.” It was their maid and AJ presented quickly his reason for making the call. It didn’t take long before he heard Aaron on the phone.

“Aar here. Wass up?” He sounded so much like his older brother that AJ had to hide a smile on his face. This was a young Nick, even though he wasn’t as innocent as his big brother had been at that same age.

“Hi, this is AJ McLean.”

“Jay?” Aaron interrupted him, sounding happy at first but then instantly changed his mind. “What happened? It’s not Nick is it? He..he’s no..not de…dead..is..is he?” The tone was so shaky and his voice raised several octaves.