What’s Next To Come?

How everything could go from feeling so perfect and right to so hazy and confusing in a matter of five short days is beyond me. It happened though, things doing a seemingly complete one-eighty. Flip-flopped, reversed. Now, I don’t know where things stand. I went from feeling on top of the world to crashing back down in to wondering if it was all just an act pretty much overnight.

It all started Monday night. Monday night was what I thought to be the start of something incredible. The beginning of a closer relationship with Nick. Up until that point, all we’d shared were close, long hugs and sweet, soft kisses. The tender kind that just make you melt on the inside and make your knees weak. Things were amazing. Nick was my perfect match, having so much in common and getting along great. Even keeping things simple and innocent, taking our time and I felt like we had a real connection. Even though, I yearned to take things just a tiny bit further to show our feelings for one another. To prove that our relationship was advancing. I knew he wanted to be a virgin until marriage, which I respected. He said he’d do everything else though. It was just a matter of time and waiting patiently, which I was willing to do. After all, taking things slowly was something new and refreshing. Building a relationship the way one should be built.

On Monday night, right before bed, as Nick and I were tucking ourselves in for sleep, it was like any other night. Out of nowhere though, he started to jokingly tickle me. Me, being the most ticklish person on the face of the planet, squealed and squirmed. He held me tightly in place though and before I knew it, Nick started kissing me while tickling me. The kisses felt so unbelievable. I was floating. But every now and then, he would tickle me in the middle of it all. I tried to ignore it, and it worked for a few minutes, but soon the sensation would hit and I would start to laugh again. Somehow, I ended up sitting on his torso, leaning up to savor the kisses he was offering, once in awhile giving just the tiniest bit of tongue for just a split second. These were the most intense kisses we’d shared in the two months of us seeing one another. We were actually close to making out, things still sweet but feeling like so much more. But then would come the tickles again, and I would squirm and laugh on reflex, trying my hardest to just focus and kiss him back with the attempts only working half way.

“Are you going to kiss me or worry about me tickling you?” Nick asked with a chuckle.

“Are you going to kiss me or torture me?” I retorted back with a giggle, kissing him some more.

Nick smiled at me as we brushed lips some more, the tickles slowly dying down as we just kissed, him holding me in his arms so securely yet so softly, his hands running up and down my back and sides. The feeling he gave me was a sense of security. Like nothing on earth could happen to me because he wouldn’t let it. Like he truly cared and soon, I could confess my feelings of love for him because he too would be doing the same within the next few weeks.

The kisses continued for a few more minutes until he slowly rolled me over to his side, keeping my head nestled on his shoulder with one arm wrapped around my back side and one of mine wrapped around his chest. I could hear the rhythm of his heart beating , feeling so content and happy.

“Goodnight, babe.” he said softly with one last kiss on the forehead.

“Goodnight, sweetie.” I whispered back.

And soon, we both drifted in to a deep slumber to last hours until the sounds of the alarm woke us both up saying that it was time for Nick to get ready for work, kissing me softly on his way out giving me something to dream about for several more hours.

~*~

Tuesday night rolled around eventually. After going to Nick’s hockey game and then out to dinner at Olive Garden and to my fathers house for a quick visit, we went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I anticipated going home to see what would happen, hoping that there was a repeat of the night before. If there was, it meant that we truly were getting closer. I was ready to see what the night would bring.

Sure enough, after getting in to bed, Nick started the tickling routine again. Only this time, after a few minutes, the kisses became more intense than before. We were actually making out with passionate, long kisses. I was floating, the feeling like nothing I had ever felt before. This was what I had dreamed of for so long with him. He gave me a feeling of comfort, and I would have done anything with him at that moment, while in past relationships, I was reluctant and pushing the guy away because I second-guessed their intentions.

In the middle of the kissing, Nick slowly started to slip his hand up the back of my shirt, rubbing my bare skin with his smooth hand. His hand slowly started to creep up further and further until he was fumbling to unhook my bra.

“Am I making you nervous?” he asked me as he looked in to my eyes.

“Not at all.” I replied with complete honesty.

The kissing continued as he lifted my bra up and started to rub my breasts within his palm. As he lift my shirt up, he soon began to suck on them as I enjoyed the sensation of us being so close. I rubbed his face and then his back and shoulders affectionately, wanting to lean up and kiss him but afraid to do so in fear that it would ruin the magic.

Without warning, and out of nowhere, Nick started to make a kissing trail down my chest, torso, stomach until he was down to my pajama pants.

“I’m going to see if I can make you nervous.” he joked as he slowly lifted me so that he could remove everything that was on my bottom half and then slipped beneath the covers completely.

I laughed softly, but the laugh turned in to a soft moan of pleasure as I felt his tongue caressing my clitoris. It was such a pleasant surprise and felt so unlike anything I’d ever experienced. The sensation was unreal yet I knew that I wasn’t dreaming. After all, how could one dream up something that felt so alive?

As Nick continued to lick and suck, my soft moans and breathing became more intense. Once in awhile, he would stop to see if I was okay.

“Very okay.” I would mumble, not wanting him to stop.

And he would disappear again to finish the job he’d started, and when the time came, I bit in to a pillow and grasped the bed rails of our headboard so that the screams of my orgasm wouldn’t be too loud. Without much success, I can honestly say that he gave me my first one as I let myself go completely. And as he came up from under the thick comforter, his face dripping in sweat, I had a content yet tired smile on my face, as it had taken a lot out of me.

“It’s hot down there.” he laughed as he came back up to me enveloping me in this arms, which made me laugh as well. I leaned in and kissed him, “You realize you’re kissing yourself, right?”

“No, I’m kissing you.” I told him, and to prove my point that I didn’t care where his mouth had been, I gave him a more intense kiss as I reached to then removed his boxers to return the favor, “Is it okay?” I asked, just to make sure. After all, he’d had the same respect for me, which was something I’d never had before.

“Yes.” he told me

I started to kiss him as I grasped his member in my hand completely ready to do exactly what he’d done for me. I went under his shirt and rubbed, ready to kiss all the way down from his nose to Little Nick.

“You’ll have to be gentle,” he told me, and I stopped kissing him for a moment to look in to his deep brown eyes, “You’re the first I’ve ever let touch me there.”

My eyes widened in surprise as I asked, “Are you serious?”

He replied with a, “Yeah.” and then jokingly stated, “Unlike Miss. Experienced here.”

My smile faded and I told him, “Not by choice,” and he looked at me with confusion, “I was more or less raped.” I confessed to him. This was a dark secret I had never told any guy I’d dated before.”

I lay my head on his chest as I continue to rub him down below trying not to let the tears I felt coming fall at the memories of my past bad luck..

“Are you okay?” he asked me.

Picking my head up, I smiled at him, “Yeah, I’m good.” I informed him, and I honestly was because the past was the past and I was here with an amazing man who made me feel special and I was certain wouldn’t hurt me in the same ways.

Him saying to be gentle because I was the first made me decide that I would save giving him a blow job for another time. I continued to do the job with my hand though, still kissing him without stopping even for a breath. Every once in awhile, I would feel Nick tense up momentarily. He never complained though, so I decided I was doing everything right. Everything was perfect. Even more so than I’d imagined it would be in all the day dreams I’d had about when this day would come and how it would go down. We kissed as I helped him relieve himself with one hand and with the other, I caressed his back and sides from under his shirt.

“Could you stop for a moment?” he asked out of nowhere, and I smiled and let go as I waited patiently for him to take a few deep breaths to compose himself giving him a few smooches. He laughed a somewhat embarrassed laugh, “I always heard your first time sucks because your like...ahhh...freaking out.”

I couldn’t help but smile at how adorable he was and how nervous he really was. Just by the way he was acting made me realize that he wasn’t being dishonest about his past experience. I really was his first, which made me feel so important and exceptional. He’d been with a girl for several years before and hadn’t done anything like this with her, but here I was, girlfriend of two months and we were already advancing things. I felt that his feelings were strong and I was just as different to him as he was to me. We were on the same page with our feelings matching on a high level.

“Okay, I’m good.” Nick said after only another minute longer, letting me know that it was okay for me to continue.

I did, determined to finish him at some point during the night. I didn’t even care if it took hours. I was ready to be patient wanting to make his first time memorable and wanting to come back for more in near future nights to come. And although Nick did have me stop a couple more times so he could compose himself, I did my job, knowing he was close when he whispered huskily.

“Tighten your grip and finish.” as he grabbed a t-shirt to catch the cum from his orgasm.

I did as told and even after the effects, I held on for a few more moments to let him know I was in no hurry to pull away. We kissed more and I felt confident that he was satisfied, feeling no need to ask. For a long time after, we just kissed passionately with a mix of the soft kisses from the beginning to the ones with tongue showing our matured relationship that had hit the next level. Nothing had changed though in the sense that he still every so often would tickle me in the middle of our making out.

Like all good things must come to an end however, the kisses died down in intensity as he wrapped an arm around me. I lay my head on his chest as he kissed my forehead, then planting a few more on the lips. We smiled at one another.

“Goodnight, babe.” he told me softly.

“Goodnight, sweetie.” I answered with a yawn even though I was still wide awake from the recent events of the night.

I fell asleep that night feeling so confident and on top of everything. I was on cloud nine sure that from now on, this was how things would be. Unlike the past though, I was also certain that our relationship would have a sturdy foundation based on what really mattered rather than just what happened in the bedroom at night. And the next morning, I was also just as sure as he kissed me goodbye when he was leaving for work.

~*~

Ever since Wednesday morning, things have been different. That night wasn’t so bad, as he sat with me on the couch and held me close for a few minutes as we watched TV.

“I’d love to stay up, but I have to get to bed.” he said, kissing me goodnight.

I understood this, because he did have to be up in a mere six hours to get ready for another sixteen hour day. But things for the past week have continuously gotten more and more distant and I don’t know why. I’m always sad and afraid to come home from my own job for the fear of another rejection and of being ignored. I question weather or not Nick really even likes me anymore since that night. Every time I go to give him a hug or a kiss, he seems reluctant to give me one. Sometimes, he even pulls away completely when he sees me coming, stepping around me. It hurts. My heart feels hollow and as much as I want to cry because of his actions, I just can’t because I refuse to allow myself.

I asked him if he still likes me after a friend of mine started the conversation for us through a text message.

“Tell me how much sense this makes. I live with you, but I don’t like you.”

Point taken, I suppose. Feelings do change though, and not always for the better. Actions speak louder than words and lately, his actions are proving nothing. Here my feelings are growing by the day and I’m afraid his are doing a complete opposite. I want to tell him exactly how I feel, but I am afraid to. I have issues with communicating due to the physical and verbal abuse I’d suffered from in previous relationships whenever I tried to communicate. The scars still remain.

I’ve talked to several people about what’s happened. One says it is just a coincidence and not every night will be like that. We live together, and things change when you live together.

Another person who I’d talked to said that Nick is probably afraid that he is the one who screwed up. He is probably embarrassed that it was his first time and is worried that he was bad and that is why he’s backed off. She said she is friends with several guys, and they all worry about that, and if it was Nick’s first time, then he is probably extremely nervous about everything and likely wondering the same things in his head as I am, terrified that my feelings have changed. She said that I should remind him again how much I enjoyed myself that night to reassure him that I was happy with how things went because she guessed that I hadn’t told him again other than that night. She’s right about that, but how do you just bring that up out of nowhere when you’re sitting on opposite ends of the living room? She told me I should write it down...possibly in a little card. I might try it.

This woman also informed me that Nick is a very shy guy and extremely insecure and sensitive for a guy. I can sense the insecurity because of comments he’s made to me, and can even kind of see how he might be shy. Sensitive though, I don’t know because I’ve never seen that side of him. He wouldn’t ever let me see that side of him. It’s those qualities that make him part of who he is and why I find him so sexy and fell for him so hard. I’m insecure too though, and sensitive as well...and I guess shy when it comes to him because I like him so much and care for him that deeply. With both of us being like that, telling our feelings is hard. One of us needs to break the ice. Who will it be though? I’m afraid that I will hold in all of this frustration of what’s been going on since that night for so long that I will snap, lose it, and start to just scream and yell.

I’m still just very confused. I love Nick so much and I am afraid to tell him. I want him to tell me first so that I know he means it and wont freak when I tell him though. What scares me the most is that he will never feel the same because of the past week. What my friends tell me makes a lot of sense, and they are likely right, but I’m still afraid that he feels nothing for me when a week and a half ago, he said I was his best friend. What I am most afraid of is losing him because of what we did and he decided he just doesn’t like me in that way.

I’m afraid that Nick regrets something that I found to be one of the most special nights of my life.

One way or another, only time will tell what the future holds for us.

Until then, all I can do is wait...

There’s No Turning Back

Work is slow today. As I stand here at the front counter waiting for customers to come in, I have plenty of time to think about and relive the events from the previous night. A slow smile comes to my lips out of nowhere. The sweet memories are ones that I want to keep fresh in my mind forever, and although what happened was completely unexpected, I personally would not take back any of it for the world.

It happened Saturday night. My best friend, Angie, was over for our bi-monthly girls night. We’d gone to dinner and then to the local park to hike the beautiful nature trails that make you forget that you’re in Ohio temporarily. Afterwards, we’d gone to the store to pick up some groceries and for me, a six pack of Smirnoff Ice to kick back and relax with on my one night off.

The night started off good. We watched a movie while I sipped on my alcohol and Angie on her Diet Coke. Before I knew it, it was nearing midnight and Nick still wasn’t home from work where he was usually home shortly after eleven. I sent him a text message on his cell stating that I was making sure he was alright since he was later than usual. Getting no reply, my mind really started to wander to the worst possible scenario that could’ve happened. That was, until he came walking through the door twenty minutes later.

The rest of the night went by smoothly for the most part. The three of us laughed and had a good time. By this point, I’d already had two and a half beers in me. After finishing my third, Nick made a bet with me. He said that he bed that I couldn’t finish the rest of my six pack before he drank an entire six pack of bud light. Always up for a challenge, I agreed, downing my fourth in a mere five minutes tops. On to the fifth, I chugged it as well, but not feeling very good, I took it a little slower, but not by much.

“Slow down,” Nick laughed, “Just sip it. You don’t have to try to embarrass me.”

I shrugged, but after finishing two of the 12 ounce bottles in such a short span of time, I felt completely ill.

“If I throw up, you’re going to take care of me.” I teased lightly although I was feeling like I was going to throw up at that moment.

“I always would.” Nick commented sincerely.

Within the next few minutes, I begun to feel rather dizzy and like I was dying. Being the sweetheart that Nick was, he sat down next to me and let me lay my head in his lap. He even went to get me a garbage can in case I did lose everything that I’d consumed. I moaned in pitiful agony deeming this the dumbest thing I’d ever done.

“Give it ten minutes and she’s going to puke.” Nick laughed, and Angie agreed with a nod of her head.

“I don’t throw up.” I mumbled from his lap, my eyes closed tightly to try to rid myself of the headache and stomach pains I was facing.

As I kept moving around, trying to get comfortable, Nick kept worrying that I was “going to hurt my neck” by my awkward positions, moving me around gently to make sure that I was laying in a way where I wouldn’t be hurting later on. His concern touched me, but feeling as I was, I barely acknowledged it even though it was one of the sweetest things anybody had ever done for me.


For the next twenty minutes or so, Nick and Angie talked softly while listening to music in the background. They spoke of things that I’d been worrying about for weeks, Nick wondering why I seemed mad at him. Pretending to be passed out, I listened and found out things that I’d known deep in my heart were true, but tried to block out because I didn’t want to believe them. The truth was out in the open now and I felt a single tear welling up in the corner of my eye that I willed away. I must have shifted because suddenly, Nick knew I was awake.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked of what I’d found out days before that he chewed tobacco.

“No...” my voice had trailed off, “Disappointed.”

‘Why are you disappointed?” he asked, and I could tell that there was a slight hurt in his tone by the fact that I was disappointed in him.

I didn’t answer right away, and seconds later, the conversation had been changed. It was for the better, because I really didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt me too much to think that this man I loved so much was doing something that later on down the road could hurt him. Something that with anybody else, it would have changed my feelings for them because I despised drugs, cigarettes and anything similar so much that I wanted nothing to do with any of it. With Nick though, it was different. My feelings were so strong that nothing could make them change. The only thing would be if he cheated on me.

It wasn’t long after before I felt much better all of a sudden. In fact, I was in a rather hyper mood. I guess the sugar from the Smirnoff’s kicked in because I sat up and walked out to the balcony to look over in to the night sky. Nick followed, worried that I was going to fall over the railing and down a good twelve feet due to my supposed not being able to keep balance very well. Angie followed and we all stood outside and talked for an hour and a half, Nick still drinking his beverages slowly. With each one he’d finish, he would throw it far out in to the yard surrounding the apartment complex.

“WAKE UP!!!’ he would periodically yell out, and Angie and I would giggle due to the fact that it was past three in the morning.

We all talked for the most part, leaning casually against the old wooden railing, coming back inside after awhile. We watched some TV and when Nick went to the bathroom and I thought Angie was asleep on the golden corduroy chair, I slowly retreated to the bedroom to lye down, ready to drift in to peaceful sleep.

Nick had other plans in store though. When he came from the bathroom, he went out to the living room to check on Angie and make sure she was comfortable and if she needed anything before coming to our bedroom and closing the door. It was only seconds before he slipped beneath the covers with me, pulling me in to his arms.

“Hi.” he whispered huskily, kissing me in the way I’d hoped he would again for nearly two weeks.

“Hey.” I whispered back with a sleepy smile.

Nick kissed me again, sending my stomach in to a spiral of butterflies. I was melting. He pulled me on top of him so that I was sitting on his stomach, strattling him as I leaned up so I was lying on him. We continued to kiss in such a passionate way, filling me up on what I’d been hungry for during the past weeks. We kissed and kissed, my breath catching in my throat because, well, he ‘took my breath away’.

In the middle of our making out, he tickled me again. I stopped him though, holding on to his hands only to let go again when I felt I was safe. It was then that he started to just caress my skin again, slowly removing my shirt, my bra and then my pajama pants so that I was lying atop him completely nude. Nick continued to trace his hands up and down my slender body as I kissed him and rubbed the side of his face with my hand in an affectionate manner while with the other hand, I attempted to undo his pants and remove them ready to have a replay of what had happened almost two weeks ago.

Once I had Nick’s lower half nude, we kissed as our bare bodies touched in a way they really hadn’t before. The smell of his cologne lingered on him from earlier, causing me to float on air and then without any knowledge of what he had planned, Nick inserted himself in to me.

Startled, I didn’t know what to think. I’d been ready for this for some time now. Again, with every other relationship, I’d made the guy wait until he confessed he loved me for a comfortable period of time so that I knew he meant it. Here, Nick had never uttered those three words but I was giving myself to him because I knew he was different. What had me hesitating was because he’d told me he wanted to stay a virgin until he was married and here he was, giving all of himself to me before he originally wanted to. Something in me told me this was wrong and I felt guilty, but the other part was saying to keep going because if felt so good.

“You’ll have to go slow with me.” he said quietly, letting me know it was his first time and that he was likely nervous.

“I will.” I promised, wanting to make it a very enjoyable and memorable experience for him.

We slowly connected in the ultimate way for the shortest span of time when Nick stopped and pulled out, kissing me and smiling as he got up slowly.

“Hold on, I’m going to get a condom,” he whispered. I held on to him, kissing him again and he added, “I’ll be back.”

Sure enough, seconds later, he returned with the equipment in tact. My heart was racing as he pulled me back on top of him, covering our bodies with the warmth of the comforter. He smiled at me again, the same smile that always made my heart melt, as he kissed me.

“Okay.” he spoke softly, as he put himself back in to me, “You sure you’re okay with this?”

I nodded. Was I ever, “Are you sure?” I asked now, even though technically it was too late.

“Yes.” he informed me.

So slowly, we made love, it being so sweet and feeling just so right and like this was how it was meant to be. Every now and then, Nick would ask me if I was alright and if I was positive of what we were doing. I told him I was, also making sure he was one-hundred percent positive. He informed me that he was and I couldn’t do anything but believe him.

“By the way, it feels better without the tent on,” he commented, making reference to the few seconds we’d gone unprotected, “But we have to be safe, right?”

“Right.” I agreed to him, but part of me wished we could do away with the condom completely. The more sensible part of me though knew we had to be safe.

Nick was so considerate, holding back when he was ready to finish and making sure he was doing his job for me until I was near my own orgasm. He said that he wanted us to go together, so he waited until I was ready too. I told him he could go whenever he was ready, but he was adamant on us orgasming at the same time on our first time together. And soon, we did. The feeling was incredible. Fireworks were going off all over the place as he held on to each other, still making out as we finished and even after.

I fell asleep in Nick’s arms that night, mine around his body as well. I was content, and he seemed to be as well.

~*~*~

I felt no regrets with what we’d done that night and even though I still feel slightly guilty for taking Nick’s virginity from him, I knew deep down that he felt the same perfection as me because if he hadn’t, we wouldn’t have done anything. After all, he’d held back for many, many years. He must have felt something different about our relationship as I did with him. Something special. A connection that was so surreal, it was as if we were meant to be soul mates and had finally come together.

But again, almost a week later, and Nick is acting different. He is back to the distant Nick that ignores me. It stings because I truly am thinking that he regrets what happened and am fearful that he will resent me for what had happened. Maybe he was testing me and I was supposed to stop him? Maybe he was testing to see if I would commend to his wishes and not allow things to happen or if I would continue to let things advance? If that were the case though, wouldn’t he have stopped himself before letting things get too far? Wouldn’t he have said ‘no, I’m not ready yet. I can’t do this.” After all, losing ones virginity is a big thing. Especially when you want to wait until marriage but then don’t.

Nick did make a comment about ‘next time’, so maybe he does intend for us to make love again in the future. It was when my long hair kept getting in the way of our kisses and us keeping on having to hold it back with our hands that me made the comment of it being in a ponytail and saying “We’ll know for next time.” I wonder if he even remembers that. I wonder if he even remembers that night. I hope he does, because it was so special to me.

Another part of me is saying that maybe Nick does love me, even though he hasn’t said it. That part of me is saying that he wouldn’t give up something he’d been keeping for so long unless he felt strong feelings of love. Strong feelings in general. That possibly, he is just shy about saying those words for the same reasons I am. But how logical is that mind set?

I truly have real feelings for Nick. I just wonder why he always becomes so distant after us becoming intimate. It always makes me seconds guess his feelings for me. I honestly don’t know if he is just shy and freaks out over what we did, wondering if I regret things or if he is the one that regrets it all. It hurts me. It hurts my heart, making it break because I am feeling like I am losing a love.

Once again, after a night I thought would change things, I am confused.

I am sad and feel lonely.

I want things to always be close and comfortable.

But maybe they just aren’t meant to be...

...maybe Nick’s feelings are changing after all, and he is deciding that I’m not the girl for him. That I’m not girlfriend material period.

Maybe he feels our whole relationship was nothing more than a...mistake.