I must have stared at my drink for quite some time now because Kevin had just asked me what I was thinking about. I didn’t immediately meet his gaze because I didn’t really want to tell him what had been on my mind. I think he might take offense to my thoughts. Not that it’s a rarity for Kevin to find my thoughts offensive, I just…the thought involved him and me, plus, I hate to make myself look vulnerable. Now that I’ve made it sound like I’ve got the hots for my brother in my head, I think it’s time to lift my head up and look at him.

Kevin always chews with his mouth closed. It always drives me crazy how he could do that. He used to make attempts to teach AJ and me to make a habit out of it but AJ refused to be told about how he should take his food and I had this fond memory of constantly nodding my head and agreeing. I remember desperately wanting to be like AJ. He was such a cool guy. Still is, really.

I scrunched up my nose at the smell of the steak that Kevin was dissecting. They look revolting but saying that to Kevin will not be a good idea, at all. Howie said I was revolting when I showed him the content of my mouth when we had our dinner two weeks ago. I love showing Howie my half chewed something.

“You’re licking your lips, that’s not a good sign.”

But of course, only Kevin went to the 3 months crash course on the study of Humans and Lips Licking Habits.

“It’s supposed to make me look sexy.” Who needs courses when you can read fans’ reviews?

“Are you hitting on me Nick?” The bile is almost at the throat, I can feel it.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but no, I wasn’t.” Awww he actually looked dejected. Had Kevin Richardson really wanted me to hit on him on a romantic night here in Hawaii?

“Then I’m right, it’s not a good sign.”

“Okay, me not hitting on you is not a good sign? Did I miss something?”

He even dared to smirk. The nerve.

“It means you’re stalling. It means you’re trying to figure out a way to not blatantly lie to me.”

“Oh is that what they tell you at the Humans and Lips Licking Habits Convention?” Course is so overrated anyway, unless it’s Inter.

“Humans and Lips what?”

“Nothing.” No need to confuse the man further.

Kevin cuts his steak into very tiny pieces and it always, always, drive me crazy. Like, here sits a full grown man, all tall and built and dark and handsome and mysterious, he’s like, the envy of all men that is not tall and built and dark and handsome and mysterious, and he eats like a girl who is afraid of eating because God forbid she’ll get a tiny bump on her tummy from eating.

“You’re still not half way done with your steak.”

“Good observation.”

“So we’re not leaving until you’re done.”

“I don’t like to waste my food.”

“But do you love them too much that you’re not willing to eat them fast enough?”

“Never rush a good meal. Are you planning on ditching me?”

“Can I?”

“No.”

“You’re not the boss of me you know.”

“Then quit asking me.”

“But I always ask you.” And then I think about that. Have I always asked him? If that had been the case, I would have been such a better person than I am right now. Observe example: If I had asked him if I should go out with my buddies to party a night before we were to take that flight to Hawaii, I wouldn’t be suffering right now, would I?

Or maybe I should just blame the high altitude for my headache?

Nah.

“I take that back, I don’t always ask you.”

“If it makes you feel any better, my heart is not bleeding about it.”

Right now I was tempted to pull out my sidekick and start the stopwatch running because I swear; if I do it right – because every experiment requires precision timing – we will find out that Kevin chews as fast as he talks, which isn’t fast enough, even at a baby’s rate. Yeah, we should really time a baby’s crawling journey from one end of a room to another end to say, the time taken for Kevin to finish a hundred word sentences. I bet you the baby would have arrived first.

Who the heck is ‘we’ anyway?

Probably AJ and I.

No wait, I should get Brian, then I will convince him to use Baylee, in the good name of experimenting, for the baby crawling thing!

“God I hope not, I heard that only starts when you’re forty. You’re not that old are you Kev?”

“No I’m not Nick.”

“Hey maybe I should have listen to you more when I was young. And always ask you before I do anything. You think it’s too late to start now?”

He had placed his fork and knife down and was now reaching for the serviette. And then he proceeded to dab the thing on the corners of his mouth, to absorb those invisible grease off his face. I wonder if I ever dab to absorb. God maybe I’d done it subconsciously before? Man, Nick never dab and absorb, he licks and wipes. This is too bizarre.

“So, if you ask me tonight if you could go surfing after this and I told you no, because it’s not safe, not to mention stupid, to surf at night, you’d actually listen?”

Hmmm…this is not good.

“Yep. Besides, it’s for my own safety, you’re right, it’s stupid.”

See, I listen!

Kevin is now nodding his head and a smirk lightly tugged at the corner of his mouth. This means Kevin is up to something. Whatever that something is, it won’t be good for Nick.

“Okay, so what are you going to do after we’re done with dinner?”

“Well, since by the time you actually finish your steak it’d be past midnight, I think I’m going straight to bed. What do you think?”

“What is it with you and my steak?”

I actually choked on my coconut drink.

“That just sounds so wrong Kevin.”

“You know what I mean.” Kevin harrumphed. Yes, he does that too. “Do you want to eat it?”

Oh my God. Seriously, does he not see how hard I’m coughing and not breathing?

“I was…” Oh so that’s how bile coconut drink taste in your throat. “going to ask for a slice but you just take away whatever was left of my appetite.”

“Good, because I’ll say no anyway.”

“Does this mean I can still ask you first before I do anything?”

“Like if I’m hundreds of miles away and you feel like going out with your buddies, you’re actually going to call me and ask me first?”

“It’s not that hard. I’ll just go hey Kevin, I’m going out to the club with some friends of mine, I’ll be drinking and dancing and definitely checking girls out. What say you?”

“So,” as he chewed and swallowed and I gulped my drink. “Let’s say I was busy with something, and you-”

“Something like what?”

“Something, anything.” Ok I’ll pretend he’s busy crapping in the toilet. “And you called and I didn’t answer. Are you going to sit around and wait until you get a yes or a no from me before you do or not do whatever it was you asked me in the first place?”

I have a feeling Kevin was in one of his Confucius revealing moment. Years practically living with this man made me involuntarily learn the early signs of such thing happening before it happened. I just never could figure out what he was going to reveal until he said it.

“Well, I’m not the world’s most patient man, Kev. So I’ll probably give 3 calls a go before I quit.”

“Okay, so let’s pretend the 3 calls are up and you quit getting through to me. What do you do next? Are you going to the club like you plan or not?”

“See, the old Nick will go ahead, but the new Nick will say no.”

That sounds so stupid. The new Nick? What the fuck. “You’re doing it all wrong man.”

No surprise there.

“Remind me again, what is my favorite song off your solo album?”

Oh yay, we’re playing a game! I wish he’d give me something worth thinking about though, cause that one was such a giveaway.

“Oh you have one?” Heh. I can make it a little bit difficult. “I thought you hated it.”

“You got the wrong guy, that wasn’t me.”

Sometimes I wish Kevin had never let a tweezers near his eyebrow. These days when he frowned, you don’t get to see the two eyebrows joined together in the middle. I missed calling him my Oscar.

“What’s my favorite song Nick?”

Right.

“I Got You?”

“Is that a question or an answer?”

“Depends. Did I get it right?”

He smirked.

And then HE.STARTED.SINGING.THE.FRIGGIN.SONG.

People tell me you stay where you belong, but all my life I’ve tried to prove them wrong, they say I’m looking for, something that can’t be found, they say I’m missing out if my feet don’t touch the ground…

I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to cry or dig a hole and bury myself in it.

“You sound better than the original singer.” I hope he take that as a compliment and let me live happily ever after.

“I don’t really know why you chose that song,” Kevin started. Here we go… “At first I thought it was a song for Brian and Leigh but we all know now that’s not the song you dedicated to them. And then I thought you were referring to the fans in some ways. For me, I could see me singing that to Kris.”

“Your very hot wife will definitely appreciate it Kevin.” What else was I suppose to say but the obvious? The man, whose wife is hot, is on to something. Now if only I can figure it out before he said it!

“But that’s just it, isn’t it? You’re singing about something you see yourself having in the future? It’s not really something you already have. You haven’t got it.”

“Now you’re just making me depress.”

“See Nicky, that’s what you’re about and always will be. You never keep still. You’re always moving around and looking for something. You don’t give a fuck what me or whoever else told you to do, you always do what you feel you want and what you feel is right. What’s wrong with being that man?”

I can’t believe he’s asking me this. I thought it was obvious. Apparently Kevin Richardson could get oblivious over some things. Wow.

“What’s wrong is that I fucked up all the friggin time. Maybe I should stop looking around and settle with what I have.”

“And what do you have right now Nick?”

Okay remember when I said Kevin should give me something more challenging to think about? I take it back. This was supposed to be a simple dinner. A little Kevin and Nick time alone before we leave Hawaii and officially end the Backstreet Boys tour and what not. We’re going our separate ways for a little while again and Brian is going to concentrate on his solo album and the rest of us should grab our deserved break. There shouldn’t be any thought provoking, soul searching, let’s make Nick’s hair grow white faster conversations.

“We’re here aren’t we? In friggin Hawaii. What more can I ask?”

“But what about tomorrow? When we’re officially on hiatus again? You’re back on your own.”

Like I don’t know that?

I wish Kevin would start eating his steak again, it’s almost half way done, he was doing so well before. And I think I need another round of coconut drink, how dare this one finish up on me. I get thirsty around serious conversations and the lack of drinks will usually result in me biting my fingernails.

“I know something is up with you when you said you’re not looking forward to this trip.”

Well yay to your psychic ability then Kevin.

“Nothing’s up Kevin. I was hung over on the flight okay?”

“You said you’re not looking forward to this trip on our last concert too.” Okay, even I didn’t remember that! “And you said it so briefly, I thought you just had some bad memory of this place but I think I’ve figured out the real reason why.”

Kevin had figured me out. Don’t let it be said that Kevin had a boring life.

“This should be interesting.” So should I feel cheated or betrayed that someone else had figured me out before I did? Or should I be happy that I could stop figuring me out and thank him for doing it for me?

He didn’t tell me though. He just nodded and rubbed his chin to mock me and then continued his conquest on the steak. I started scraping the inside of my coconut and ate the fruit, which was yummy. I caught myself holding back every time I wanted to ask him if he was ever going to tell what he had figured out, I was interested. But I also wasn’t ready to get into another serious talk with my brother. I really did want to enjoy this last night we’d spend together before we go our separate ways tomorrow.

That’s the special thing with Kevin though. He always makes sure he had a one on one quality time with each of us before we start our break. Be it for only a week long or a few months. He went shopping with Howie earlier today. Ride in the same car with Brian on our way to soundcheck earlier today while the remaining three of us took the next ride. Spent the entire afternoon before the show in AJ’s room and then he reserved dinner just for us.

After dinner, which went on for another thirty minutes of Kevin finishing up his steak and his red wine; he suggested we walk all the way back to the hotel. It was a long back home to the hotel but I didn’t mind at all. Kevin wanted the exercise and I just want to make this night last.

I don’t have the hots for Kevin, I swear, but it’s nice to do this with my older brother.

“You’re afraid to let this ago again, aren’t you?”

Seriously, Kevin always talks in riddles. I was feeling very full and the lulling of the gentle waves hitting the shore not far away from the pathway we were walking on right now was really making me sleepy. Sleepy Nick hates riddles!

“Let what go?”

“The band. Us. I’m not trying to be smug here-”

“Coulda fooled me.” I just have to say that. And I guess I deserved that smack on the head.

“But you’re happy when we’re together and on the road. It feels like the old times, didn’t it? Just the Backstreet family, doing our thing. Performing, seeing the fans again, the whole nine yards. You missed it.”

“Please don’t tell you guys didn’t miss it.”

“Of course we do! But it’s different for you and I know it sucks but you always feel like you have a purpose when we’re with you.”

“Kevin I’m going to be fine if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve lived on my own before you know.”

“I know that, but you rather prefer not, am I right?”

Let’s see…stay at home alone or be on the road with these guys? Tough one.

“I want you to go out and make your own choices Nick. You don’t have to call me and let me decide things for you. You fought your entire life just to get away from controlling parents to controlling managers, why make me turn into one of them?”

“You’re not like them. You’re smart and you always do the right things and you’re my brother.”

“I don’t always do the right things. If my dad were still around, he’d tell you about it.”

“I wish your father is still around Kev. He sounds like a great guy to hang with.”

“Me too. And he was. I’m lucky I get to know him well before he goes though.”

“I guess I do know how great he is. You look up to him so much; you’re the product of him, for the lack of a better word.”

“I’d like to think I am.”

“You are.”

He stopped on his track and I was two steps in front before I noticed and turned around. “What’s wrong?”

He was smiling and I swear I saw unshed tears in his eyes. Oh my God, Kevin seriously is the most emotional person I’ve ever known. And not the type of emo I often associate with AJ. I heart my emo AJ though, only this morning he beat me on a video game and felt it right to tell everyone on our floor only to come back into his room all upset because I ate his bag of chips.

“Thanks for saying that. It really means a lot to me.”

I hate mushy moments. Tall, dark, handsome, secure Kevin doesn’t mind showing his vulnerable side, I do.

I went over to him and rested my arm over his shoulder as we continued our walk. “I say it the way I see it Kevin.”

“So, you’re going to be fine on your own right?”

“I will.”

“You can call me anytime you want, just don’t ask for my permission for anything.”

“And if I do something stupid?”

“We’ll pray that you don’t do it again and you learn from it.”

“Even if it hurts the band’s image?”

“What image? We’ve always been in the ‘boybands suck’ category.”

“So no matter what happens, you’ll still be there for me right?”

“You know I will. We all will. We’ll be there for each other, all five of us.”

“So even if I’m a disappointment, you’ll look pass that?”

“You’re never a disappointment. You’re not perfect either. None of us are. You of all people should know that even Brian and Howie make mistakes, no matter how differ in scale their mistakes are, they made them too. We all have our own path to thread Nicky, the important thing is to just go through it cause if you stop walking, you’re not going anywhere.”

I nodded because I was out of words.

The rest of the walk was spent in companionable silence. Kevin was trying to figure out if we were on the right track and I wasn’t helping much with the navigation. You can hardly recognize anything you saw in the day when you’re passing them at night. But I wasn’t worried, I was with my brother, he always brings me back home.