Prologue

Affliction.

It means pain. Suffering. Distress. It can be due to ill health. Nonetheless, it is most commonly associated as being physical. What nobody really puts in the definition though, is that the pain can be emotional as well. And sometimes, emotional pain can be even more empowering than the physical pain.

What I didn’t realize was that I was about to be on a roller coaster suffering from both kinds without any real knowing of when it all would end. Or even if it would end. The future was blurry making me realize I could only look one day in to the future so that disappointment wouldn’t get me down. So I wouldn’t hope for something that may never be.

My whole life as I knew it was about to change in about every aspect. My fate was about to take a wild turn. Everything I’d hoped for all at once seemed to evaporate. My life was starting from scratch at the age of nineteen. I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then. Things would be so much easier. If only I could erase my memory of this affliction and its cause.

If only...

Chapter One

I looked out of the window as the rain fell, splashing angrily against the glass in large droplets. A flash of lightening flickered in a shade of dull yellow followed by booming thunder in the distance. Sighing, I turned away just as the rain begun to pick up. I’ve always hated the rain, and storms I despised even more. To be honest, they somewhat scared me. Especially when I was all alone. In the dark...

In the hospital.

Why I was there, I refused to believe. In my mind, I was still a healthy, nineteen year old girl. Reality though? Reality told me otherwise. The rational part of me told me that I was lying in this hospital bed for a reason and that the doctors were right and doing everything in their power to make me well again. I was trying to block this part of me out though, even though I knew deep down that it was accurate. Why? Truthfully, I was afraid. Afraid of what was going to become of me, afraid of the next few weeks, possibly months that lie ahead. Afraid that I wasn’t going to make it out alive.

Life. It was a funny thing. Something I’d often taken for granted before being diagnosed with cancer. I hadn’t even seen it coming, and then bam, it hit me from behind out of nowhere. Being an active gymnast probably saved my life...or at least prolonged it. If it hadn’t been for that, then I would have likely put up with the pain and gone on with my life, waiting so long until one day finally, I didn’t wake up. That was how I was. That was how I’d been raised. I never let anything keep me down because I was ambitious and motivated. I hated to miss class. I hated to call off work and I refused to miss a gymnastics practice and especially a competition.

Anyways, on to how they discovered the cancer. I was in the middle of a meet and my knee was aching more than usual. With not so much as a wince, I continued on gracefully as if nothing was wrong. After all, there were scouts there on that particular day. It was my big chance to get noticed and impress them. Then, just maybe, I’d have a shot of making it to the Olympics. That had been my dream.

Everything had been going great, my performances, flawless. It wasn’t until my floor routine that everything crumbled. I’d been dancing to the song of my choice, my knee stiffening the longer I continued. I forced myself to keep going, working myself beyond what my body was capable of due to the circumstances. I thought I was going to get away with everything, getting claps from the judges and talent scouts every time I landed a particularly difficult jump or flip. And then, it happened. It was almost the end and I was about to land the toughest series of flips. It was what would make or break the entire performance. I’d done it dozens of times before though, to the point that it if I tried, I could do it with my eyes closed...in my sleep. Confidence soared through me as I took in a deep breath and smiled through the pain, doing my thing.

Then it happened. Just as I was in the middle of the grand finale, my knee gave out and I collapsed to the blue floor mat. I’d grabbed my knee in agony, trying to bite back from screaming out, but as the pain grew more intense, my cries became louder as on-site paramedics rushed to my side.

After that, everything went by in a blur. Before I knew it, I was here, numbed up by pain killers and being strapped down to a cold table with a heavy, lead apron over me as they x-rayed my leg. On top of my knee being fractured, they found more than that. Something much worse. A fracture that would keep me away from gymnastics would have been a blessing compared to this nightmare. Small tumors on my bones. That’s right.

Bone cancer.

The words sounded foreign to my ears and tasted bitter on my lips as I spoke them aloud, or more like whispered. The more specific name is Osteosarcoma. I, at almost twenty years old, had a rare form of bone cancer.

The second the doctor had diagnosed me, everything else he’d said went in one ear and out the out the other. As he spewed out all of the terrifying statistics, I couldn’t process any of it. All that was running through my head was ‘I’m going to die’ My life came crashing down and while the doctor continued to speak, I realized that my gymnast career would have to be put on hold and I tried to think of what I could do to continue on with it once I was out of the hospital, completely disregarding the fact that I’d been told that I wouldn’t be able to compete for a very long time due to the fact that the cancer was in its third phase and it would be awhile before I even felt up to it once I was out of the hospital and in remission, if I even hit that mark.

So here I was still awake at nearly two in the morning listening to every little creak that happened to sound around me. I heard somebody walk in to the room and near my bed, fiddling around with the IV’s that were inserted in to my body. A nurse, likely. I refused to sleep though. If I fell asleep, I was afraid I wouldn’t awaken. Only bad things could happen when asleep. I’d managed to stay awake through one entire night. I was going for two despite how heavy my eyelids were, my eyes burning from tiredness.

Thunder sounded again, closer this time. Its loudness caused me to jump slightly, cowering beneath the thin white blanket atop me even further, I clutched the material close to my face as if it would somehow protect me. This was what my life had become in less than forty-eight hours. An adult acting like a scared, small child. I had a feeling that things wouldn’t be getting any better any time soon. From here, things could only get worse and then, if my some miracle, things would get better again. That was too far off in to the future to even begin to count on though. As of yesterday, I couldn’t count on anything...

~*~*~*~

“Kendra?”

I let out a soft moan as I heard somebody calling my name. It was a male voice. A voice I recognized. Opening one eye slowly and then the other, I realized I must have fallen asleep at some point during the night. Despite my fear, I’d thankfully awakened. This gave me some hope. One night down, countless ones to go.

“Ken?” came the voice again, calling me by my nickname. There was a light tapping on the door, “Are you awake?”

Turning my head to the side, I found myself looking at my handsome boyfriend, Craig.

God, he’s gorgeous. I thought

Here I was, looking as if all of the energy and life had been drained from me. I looked like a living corpse. Suddenly, the song ‘Living Dead Girl’ by Rob Zombie popped in to my head, causing me to let out a small laugh. It was pitiful, and even somewhat forceful, but it felt good to smile. Then again, seeing Craig always made me smile. It reminded me also that there was a normal life waiting for me outside of this stuffy building that smelled like medicine and sickness. A huge part of my life, at that. Craig was my everything and had been there for me through the thick and the thin. Him being here told me that this was just another obstacle he would help me through. That he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Hi.” I stated with a sleepy smile, wondering how he’d found out I was there. Maybe I’d called him at some point in my distraught state earlier on.

“Hey baby.” Craig replied, stepping cautiously in to the room. He smiled his heartwarming smile as he neared, grabbing my hand as soon as he was at my bedside, “How are you doing?”

I shrugged, “Good as can be expected, I suppose.” was my honest reply, “I start chemotherapy tomorrow morning.” Craig paled at the mention of that, “It’s my only hope...to shrink the tumors and kill the cancer cells.”

Despite his naturally tanned complexion, his skin still seemed a few shades lighter at the mention of this. His chocolate eyes clouded over with worry. I wanted nothing more than to reach over and run my fingers through his shaggy, ear length hair and tell him everything would be okay. That I would be okay. I couldn’t though. It would be a dishonest truth. Instead, I just looked at him, his five foot nine stature, athletic build, looking completely helpless with shoulders slumped. He reminded me of a scared child rather than the eighteen year old man he was. To look at him, he was handsome and had a very confident appearance. To know him, one knew that Craig was actually insecure and shy...sensitive even. I got to know that side through dating him. I could only imagine what he was feeling on the inside with this news. Emotions his ‘tough’ side wouldn’t allow him to show.

“You’ll get through this,” he stated, “You’re strong like that. I have confidence in you.”

His comment proved my point exactly. I wondered what he truly wanted to say though. We were alike in that sense. We joked around, were sarcastic and huge smart ass’s as well as stubborn. If I were to ask him, he would tell me nothing and change the subject. Despite this, I still loved him. We were pretty damned compatible. Having Craig there was making me feel better already even though it had only been five minutes.

“I know,” I told him with more confidence than I felt, “Thanks for coming.”

“I came the second I found out.” he admitted to me.

“I know.” I smiled

There was a moment of awkward silence. Craig’s eyes shifted nervously and I bit my bottom lip casually. I sighed without realizing it, the noise causing Craig to look up. Still no words. Was this how our relationship was going to be? Since I now had cancer, were thinks going to be tense and weird between us? I surely hoped not. We were off to a bad start. However, we’d both found out some shaking news about my health. What was Craig supposed to do, throw a party and bring in the circus? I may have slapped him if he’d done that...several times. Although, it would have been nice if...

“Oh yeah, I forgot something!” he exclaimed, holding up a finger to let me know he’d be back in a second. He disappeared from the room, but only for a second. When he returned, Craig was holding the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I had ever seen. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of them. And then, tucked under his left arm was a fuzzy, medium sized teddy bear with shaggy fur and a light blue bow tied around its neck. He came closer to me again, handing me the pleasant surprises, “These are for you...but you can’t read the card until after I’m gone.” he winked at me.

I took the flowers, sticking my nose into the center for a large whiff of their soft, sweet scent. After I started chemo, I really wouldn’t be aloud to have them in the room because my immune system would be down, or some bull crap like that. I still could hold on to the bear though, which I was hugging close to me, nuzzling my face against the fur. Craig chuckled lightly and I looked up in to his eyes, which had let go of some of the worry that had filled them earlier.

‘Thank you.” I said softly.

Reaching over, Craig cupped the right side of my face in his hand before brushing his fingers through my honey-blonde wavy hair. I winced, realizing for the first time that I’d be losing that hair very soon. I sucked in the heavenly feeling of Craig’s hand running through it, knowing it would be awhile before I felt it again once I lost it all.

“Anything for you, Ken.” he said, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Craig.” was my response, knowing that his departure was coming up soon, and as if on cue, he said the words I’d been dreading.

‘I have to get going...work and class,” he rolled his eyes as he let out an irritated huff, “But I’ll come back either tonight or tomorrow.”

“Okay.” I knew my tone was sullen, but I didn’t want to be left alone again. Despite the rather tacky...and sparse, decoration, it was almost as if we were back home in one of our dorm rooms at school, “Have a good day.”

“You too,” I groaned at his words, “Sorry...take care I should say.”

“That sounds so...final.” I complained.

“Don’t worry...nothing is going to change.” he leaned over and kissed me before saying goodbye and then my boyfriend was gone.

His words echoed in my head for the remainder of the morning. Nothing is going to change. I wanted to believe him, and I did at first. But then reality sunk in again and I wondered just how he could say that when everything was going to change. The thing was, nobody realized the extent of it yet. Not even me.

Chapter Two- Craig

I was freaking out. Honest to God freaking out. Its been thirteen hours since I visited Kendra. I’m having a hard time grasping the fact that my girlfriend has cancer. Even more so, I could hardly stand to look at her sitting in that damned bed looking so weak, so helpless. So I bolted. I came up with the lame excuse of having to work hours earlier that I actually did, and then like a coward, went straight home after my shift instead of back to the hospital to visit and to see how she was doing. The truth is, I’m scared. It doesn’t help that hospitals have always creeped the hell out of me either.

It is now past one in the morning, and as I drive around aimlessly, I have no idea where I am going. I couldn’t sleep though, nor could I sit in my dorm room cooped up, feeling like a caged animal. I needed out to get fresh air. Driving has always been my escape with things got rough. It makes me feel so free with the windows rolled down and the music blaring Three Days Grace with the wind blowing all around me. I observe that there is hardly any traffic out, making going a comfortable speed no problem without slow dipshits getting in my way. But despite there being absolutely nobody else on the road, I still somehow managed to hit a red light that refused to turn green.

“Are you fucking kidding me!” I screamed in to the night after five minutes, blasting my car horn for a good seven seconds. As if I were being humored, it turned on instinct at my rage, “Thank you!” I spat with hint of sarcasm dripping from my voice.

Yes, I was in a sour mood, and to top it off, I noticed that I had tears in the corner of my eyes. I was crying, like some kind of pussy with one of the wet drops running down the length of my cheek. I roughly wiped them away from my eyes, but it was useless because fresh ones kept on popping up. I didn’t want to show this emotional side of myself. I wanted to keep on being tough on the outside without letting any emotion show. My sensitivity, the sensitivity that most of the world had no clue even existed, was showing full force. There was no way of preventing it either. I guess if I was going to cry, finding out Kendra has Osteosarcoma was the time to do it. It seemed proper enough, right?

The next song to come on to the radio was a song by AFI. Kendra had always loved them. They were her favorite group. She wanted to...

I stopped myself from continuing thinking the next thing because here I was going on in past tense as if the cancer had already won and Kendra was already gone. She was still around and alive and at just the beginning of her fight. Her chances were good. Right? The only reason I was second guessing myself was because I didn’t know the statistics. I didn’t know if she had a one percent chance of survival, or if it was one hundred percent. At this point, to me, the glass was half empty.


I love Kendra. Don’t get me wrong. She is my everything, but I can’t look in her eyes like I used to. I am unsure of how to act around her. I know, I know...act like I always have, right? That’s easier said than done when your girlfriend is fucking possibly dying. I’d had images of our wedding night in my head, our honeymoon. Growing old together. All of that comes after a proposal, which I’d had every intention on doing. Soon. As in, on our two years together, which was coming up very soon. I have the ring ready and everything. The thing is, I don’t know if I can actually carry through with the proposal. Yes, it would thrill her to death, but how can I ask a girl to marry me if I am unsure of if it will ever happen...because Kendra will be seeing her funeral before there is even a wedding?

“I sound so damned selfish!” I exclaimed aloud, my tears still falling freely around my face.

As much as I wanted to say that the reason I didn’t want to propose was because I didn’t want to get her hopes up on something, in reality, I had to admit the truth to myself. The main reason was because I didn’t want to get mine up only to be hurt if she didn’t make it. Not only would I be losing my girlfriend, but I would be losing my fiancé as well. The only persons feelings I was thinking of when it came to asking Kendra to be my wife were my own. If I was thinking of her feelings at all, just knowing how elated she would be by it would be enough for me to carry through and ask. That obviously wasn’t enough though. I was a dick.

Without realizing it, I ended up at the local Metropolitan Park. It was long passed closed, but here I was on the inside as if I’d bypassed the gates closing it off. Or were there no gates drawn closed to begin with on this particular night? I had no idea. It wasn’t as if any of it mattered. As I drove over to where the overlook was, I put my car in park and got out, peering out in to the dark sky as the drop off below me fell several hundred feet in to a gorgeous valley that in the daylight, would take ones breath away.

I knew that I should go and see Kendra, but I didn’t Instead, I stayed where I was contemplating on whether or not I was going to visit her in the next few days. I knew she needed me, but I wasn’t sure what I needed...or wanted anymore. Today had changed absolutely everything and I wasn’t sure love was enough to make everything okay or make me stay. I had a lot of thinking to do, but not much time to actually do it.

~*~*~*~

As I sat in the middle of my anatomy class, I couldn’t make myself concentrate. The night before, I’d gotten next to no sleep at all, finding myself waking up next to my car in the middle of the park. How it had happened was beyond me. All I remember was waking up to a park ranger clearing his throat to get my attention, and when I’d opened my eyes, bright sunlight had been pouring over my, the man dressed in a hunter green standing above me in a blur. I sat up, quickly getting to my feet. He’d asked what I was doing, and I explained that I must’ve fallen asleep, apologizing. Then everything came back to me. And I started crying again. Damn, I am a pansy. And as the tears fell, I got back in to my truck, driving off with a very puzzled man watching me go.

And here I was in a class that I absolutely had to pass in order to keep my spot in my major. Ironic, how I was in a medical field, wanting to help people, to be there for them…but I couldn’t even be there for my girlfriend. God is cruel sometimes. Back on track though, I was struggling with the class as it was, and here I was with my mind wondering back and forth with what I was going to do. I didn’t even care about the class at this moment, and when my professor called on me to answer a question, I stared at her blankly, pausing for a moment too long. She gave me a disappointed look and moved on to somebody else, who answered with ease.

I knew that I thought, shaking my head in disgust with myself as a few chuckles surrounded me by class mates likely thinking of what a dumb-ass I was.

I needed to concentrate. No, I needed Kendra to get better. I needed life to get back to normal, but I had a feeling that normalcy wouldn’t exactly be a word in my dictionary for the next few months, possibly years. I wondered if Kendra had started her chemo yet, as it was scheduled for this morning. I wondered how she was doing, knowing I should have called her to wish her luck. That probably would have made all the difference in the world, but of course, I’d been selfish and decided against it because I didn’t want to tear up again hearing her weak, sad voice. As if on cue, God started to be mean again and my throat clogged up, a lump forming. I shut my eyes, squeezing them for a few seconds as I swallowed. I could feel wetness starting to creep its way in to my eyes and I bowed my head, putting my hand up to shield my face.

“Are you okay, Graig?” Professor Hicks asked, stopping class. All eyes were on me. I could feel it.

“Um, yeah…fine.” I answered, still not looking up, “Just a headache,” I took in a deep breath, realizing that I needed to get out before I lost my cool completely, my emotions breaking down, “Could I please be excused…” I stopped the second I realized that my voice was cracking.

Giving me a stern look, Professor Hicks just replied with, “I’m not keeping you. It’s your waste of education.”

I sighed, picking up my backpack and walking quickly through the rows of desks and chairs and out the door, ducking my head low as I made my way out of the room, down the hall. I was pretty sure I’d mumbled the world ‘bitch’ on my way out, but wasn’t positive. If only she knew what I was going through, then maybe she wouldn’t be calling me a waste of space in her classroom. Sure, she hadn’t outright said it, but I knew this woman. I knew what she was insinuating.

So here I was, free from class, deciding to skip the rest of the day. As I walked to the parking garage and got in to my car, gut feeling told me that I should visit my girlfriend in the hospital and cheer her up. Possibly wait in her room for her while she was undergoing chemo, surprising her when she came back up sicker than hell. Instead, I drove in the complete opposite direction. I didn’t know where I was going, but I decided I would once I got there. The words ‘coward’ kept running through my mind, knowing that Kendra was so brave and courageous going through what she was, and all alone yet…because of my wimpy ass. I wasn’t even man enough to have her in my life. I knew everything was my fault, yet in my mind, I kept trying to convince myself otherwise. Maybe, just maybe, if I told myself enough times that her cancer wasn’t what was making me change my mind about our relationship, I would start to believe it myself.

Chapter Three - Kendra


I stared down at the envelope which contained the card Craig had given me for what seemed to be the longest time. I just held it in my hands unable to bring myself to open it. It was later that night and Craig still hadn’t returned for another visit. In fact, the time was nearing midnight. I knew he’d said tonight or tomorrow, but I couldn’t help but be nervous. What if he never came back at all? Maybe that was why he’d told me to wait to open it until after he’d left. Was it possible that Craig was dumping me? Surely not at a time like this...

A wave of emotion hit me as this thought came to mind, but I refused to shed a tear. Not yet. Not until I knew for sure. To be honest, I’d been saving the card to read until right before my first chemo treatment anyways. I felt it would serve as encouragement. Maybe instead, what lied on the inside was a death sentence. A letter to bring me down so low that I would let all of my strength and positivity falter because all of my energy would be put in to a failed twenty month long relationship.

“Get a grip, Kendra,” I muttered to myself, realizing how paranoid I was becoming, “Just calm yourself down.”

As if for reassurance, I looked over to the exquisite bouquet my boyfriend had brought me earlier. Too bad I couldn’t keep them. Damn chemo weakening my immune system. I hadn’t had the heart to tell Craig that the doctors wouldn’t allow me to keep the flowers. At least I could enjoy them until morning. Not a moment before then would I worry about how I was going to break it to him that his generosity had been thrown in to the hospital dump.

Realizing my mind had shifted to yet another topic, I groaned. Ever since being admitted into the place, my attention span was really having much to be desired. With that, I looked back down at the envelope. I was dying to know what was written. Better judgement told me to sleep on it and wait like I’d originally planned. Curiosity was killing me though and I was impatient. I’d waited all day as it was. I figured whether it was bad or good, that wouldn’t change no matter when I decided to tear in to its paper. Why not find out sooner?

Taking in a deep breath and with trembling hands, I slowly stuck my pinkie finger under the fold where the envelope was sealed, tearing it open gently. I laughed nervously with a shake of my head. I was really making too much of this, and even when I had it completely torn open, I paused for a few seconds before actually taking the card out, unable to bring myself to look down at it. It wasn’t until I mustered up all of the courage I had inside of me that I pulled out the card and looked down at it. On the cover was a picture of a scruffy teddy bear sitting on a bed. Wrapped around its upper arm was a band aid with a heart on it. It was cute and sweet. But you couldn’t always judge a book by its cover. It was what was on the inside that really mattered. What I was afraid of.

“Here goes nothing.” I mumbled. My hands shook like a leaf and I closed my eyes, opening up my fate. When I looked down, right away I let out a huge sigh of relief at what I read.

Kendra baby,


I’m so sorry that you’re in the hospital and sick. Never have any doubt in your mind that I am here for you. I’m not going anywhere. If you need anything at all, day or night...don’t hesitate to call me. Ill be there in a heartbeat. Stay strong and know that I love you. You’ll get through this and one day, we’ll both look back on it together and it will feel as if it never happened. You’re my everything, Ken... Get well and I’ll see you soon.

Forever yours with a HUGE kiss and a hug

Craig

I could feel my cheeks starting to flame up in a blush as I ducked my head low letting my hair sweep over my reddening face. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed by his words, or anything even close. It was that they were flattering and heartfelt. Craig had never been so open in expressing his feelings verbally...or rather, written. Either way, he’d never really told me how much he cared but rather showed it on occasion. It was no wonder he’d wanted me to wait. He was self-conscious about what he’d written, afraid of me laughing at him. Nothing could be further from that. I just wish he’d tell me these things to my face.

Letting out a sleepy yawn, I realized with much surprise that it was nearing one in the morning. I’d been dwelling on that card for nearly an hour and now that I knew I had nothing to worry about, I found how tired I actually was. So as I placed it next to me on the rickety night stand, I turned out the small table lamp next to me as I lay down. Tomorrow was nearing quickly and I knew I’d have to have all of the strength I could muster up to get through the chemotherapy treatment. If I was weak and tired would probably make all the difference in the world and for the worst too rather than the better.

As I closed my eyes, I knew I would be falling asleep with a smile on my face that night. I could only hope that I woke up with the same smile as I made my way down to my very first treatment. As long as Craig was on my mind, I didn’t think that would be much of a problem.

~*~*~*~

When I awakened the next morning, I half expected to see Craig at my bedside. I was disappointed when I found I was alone, but really didn’t have much time to dwell on it. Before I knew it, I was being whisked away by a nurse to where I’d have my first treatment. I’d been under the impression that this would be happening in the comfort and sanctuary of my own, personal hospital room. Much to my surprise, I was taken somewhere where there were three others also receiving chemo treatments. Two of them were much older than myself, both of whom were carrying on a conversation with each other. Off in a corner by himself though, was a young man who looked to be about my age, give or take a couple of mere, insignificant years.

“You’ll be hooked up right over there, next to Anthony.” She smiled and pointed next to the boy who I’d been evaluating with my eyes. I smiled slightly, for when he looked up from the magazine he’d been reading at the sound of his name, I realized just how attractive he was, despite his lack of hair atop his shiny, bald head, “He’s a sweet guy. I think you’ll like him.” The nurse winked at me.

I must have blushed because she laughed as she lead me right over to Anthony, directing me on where to sit. After finding a good vein, and cleaning the area with a cotton ball and some weird, brownish-orange colored junk, she inserted a needle in to me which was connected to an IV that had been pre-prepared and waiting just for my arrival. Within seconds, the liquid within the bag marked with my name, and the name of the drug, was running in to my system.

“Let one of the nurses know if you need anything at all.”

I nodded, but really didn’t hear a word she’d said, because within seconds of the treatment making contact with my insides, a burning sensation started to arise, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut to avoid tears, a harsh wince set upon my features. When I opened my eyes again, the kind woman who’d brought me to this horrible place that was supposed to help me, was gone. Anthony, however, was looking right at me.

“First timer?” he asked.

I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach. What I didn’t know, though, was if it was from lack of food or from the drugs. Maybe a mixture of both. By now, my breathing was coming out heavier and I could feel my stomach rumbling as the feeling shot up to my throat. I managed to swallow it away quickly, but it was then that I noticed the silver pan next to me, realizing what it was for. I grabbed it, and less than a second later, the bottom was covered in bile and chunks of vomit, an unpleasant taste left in my mouth, the burning still taking over every inch of my body as a few weak tears slipped down my cheeks. I set the pan aside, unsure if there would be a repeat of this event or not. One thing was for sure though. All of the energy had been ripped from my soul, and I sat there feeling sluggish, weak.

“That’ll happen,” Anthony said softly, as if what had just happened to me didn’t even phase him nor was he grossed out by it, “It’ll get better though. I promise.”

“I take it you’ve been doing this for awhile?” I asked softly.

Anthony laughed, his bright blue eyes shining despite his pale skin tone and ill features, “Lets just say I’m a pro at this by now.” He shrugged, “Second timer…I had AML…a form of leukemia. I was in remission for three years, but it came back. I’m in to my first week of treatments again.”

I nodded, smiling at him as best I could despite how lousy I was feeling. When he turned away for a moment, I quickly scanned over him, taking in everything. Despite how sick he was and how his features were, well, not so good, he was still gorgeous. I was getting a quick glance in to my future as well though. In one weeks time, this was how I would look, and that scared me. It couldn’t be prevented though. If things were going to get better for me, they had to get worse first. Much, much worse.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I found myself telling him.

Anthony shrugged, “It comes with cancer. Always the risk of it returning.” He acted as if it was no big deal. I was guessing that it was part of the whole ‘keeping up a positive attitude’ thing which I’d been told about by so many nurses and doctors. I’d have to remember to try that…sometime, “So, what’s your name? Your story?”

I sighed, not really wanting to discuss it. Anthony had, however, shared his grueling past and had opened up to me, and probably was the one friendly face that I’d be seeing. Hell, he would likely be the one friend I’d be making. I decided to trust him, telling him why I was there. What could it hurt? Besides, I kind of, in a really weird way, owed it to him.

“First off, I’m Kendra.” He smiled at me, and I knew by the look in his eyes that he wouldn’t be forgetting that like so many people would the first time they heard a name, “I’m here for Osteosarcoma.” Anthony winced at that, “What?” I asked defensively, not meaning to come off so harsh.

“Nasty disease, is all.” He smiled at me sympathetically and I wondered how he knew about my form of cancer, “Go on.”

My nerves felt knotted at his words, but I continued anyways, “I was a gymnast. I was having some pain in my knees, but ignored it because of a competition. Lets just say that the competition didn’t go as planned.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Anthony commented, and I knew that he wasn’t just saying that because it was appropriate, as so many would. I knew that he meant it. Something about his way was genuine and I could feel my heart rate speed up just enough to notice. I instantly scolded myself, remembering Craig for the first since I’d laid my eyes upon Anthony.

The remainder of time was spent in silence. Anthony returned to the magazine he’d been reading and I…well I had been foolish and not brought anything along with me. Therefore, my time was spent glancing around, counting how many times Anthony blinked, or seeing how long I could get without getting another urge to throw up. Nothing ever came out though, for everything within my stomach had been emptied the first time around. Instead, I just dry heaved for a few seconds, wishing that I would be put out of my misery.

What seemed like an eternity later, but only happened to be fifteen minutes, a nurse came up, pulling the treatment IV out of Anthony’s arm. He stood up, and with the help of the nurse, he started to walk away, but stopped and turned back towards me.

‘It was great meeting you. I hope I get to see you again soon. And stay strong. It only wins if you let it get to you. Just keep up a positive attitude and everything will work out in your favor.”

“I’ll do my best.” I replied, waving with a small smile as he left.

And just like that, I was alone. I had a lot to think about, and a lot of things running through my head, causing great confusion. There was Craig, whom I loved but wasn’t exactly doing what he could to make me feel important to him. Then there was Anthony, whom had a light in his eyes which showed great interest and he was also starting to steal my heart. I supposed that I should just sleep on it. After all, I didn’t want to make any hasty decisions that I would end up regretting. After all, Craig had been in my life for several months now. I’d just met Anthony a mere few minutes ago.


By the time my chemotherapy treatment was finished, I was left feeling weak, sluggish and drained of all energy. All I really wanted to do was crawl in to bed and fall asleep, hiding from the world. Having visitors would have been a very bad thing, for their safety that was. It was crabby and temperamental, feeling sick to my stomach. Not even having Craig there with me could have brightened my mood. He still hadn’t come back to see me again, by the way. I was bitter over that. He’d have to face my wrath against him and the grudge I’d still be holding whenever he decided to show up.


When I closed my eyes, the face of a handsome man crept in to the back of my mind. Who it belonged to however, wasn’t Craig. It was Anthony. This surprised me, and even though I felt guilty, I didn’t really mind. I figured it only made sense, since he’d been there in chemo with me and I’d talked to him during the duration of it. It had been refreshing, and he actually knew what I was going through. After all, he’d been there before and was now back for a second try to hit remission again.

Just keep up a positive attitude and everything will work out in your favor, he’d told me

I wanted to believe him, and I knew that his words were probably very true, however if that were the case, then why was he back again? That didn’t make sense, but I was somewhat thankful because it meant I had somebody my own age to talk to and go through the whole routine with. Anthony had been there and back again. He knew what was going to happen, and could prepare both of us. I felt sorry for him, however for my own selfish reasons, was glad he was here to walk me through this every step of the way.
1

Chapter Four Anthony

Despite my pain and the sick feeling that had taken over my entire body, I had a genuine smile spread across my lips. My encounter with Kendra three days before was still fresh in my mind, and although I hadn’t seen her since, I was positive that I would have another encounter with her by the end of the week. Everything about her was just so…perfect. I longed to learn and know more, making a mental note to do just that. After all, she was the only person remotely close to my age on the oncology floor, not to mention she was beautiful, sweet and kind.

Before I knew it, I found myself wondering if Kendra had a boyfriend before I could stop myself, as if the hospital was some kind of love connection service. I couldn’t help myself though, for I was definitely intrigued. The only scary thing was that she had osteosarcoma, of all things. Who was I to judge though? At age twenty-one, I’d been diagnosed with leukemia and hit remission seven months later. Now, at age twenty-four, I’m back for round two. Therefore, this fact wasn’t enough to keep me away from her. After all, I knew how it was to be judged for being sick for something I couldn’t help.

What’s my story? To start, I was just beginning my senior year of college at the University of California at Las Angeles…aka, UCLA. My major, to be in sports management. I was also on the men’s soccer team. I’d been in the middle of changing for a game and one of my teammates, Shawn, pointed out a trail of bruises along my side, and a few scattered on my legs, which I’d been ignoring, telling myself that they were just from playing the game. He got coach anyways though, who drug me to a physician. I guess that there was more to it than that in the doctors eyes, because after some questioning, and some bloodwork being done and sent in to the lab, I was diagnosed with a simple phone call and another brief doctors visit, this time at the hospital. Days later, I’d been admitted in to a different hospital several thousand miles away, for they were known as being one of the best in cancer treatment.

With three quarters left in my college career, I had to drop my full time load to undergo treatments and concentrate on just getting well. It was a tough ride, but as I said before, after seven long months, I was just about as good as new. I enrolled back in to the classes I’d dropped, took a few refresher courses and then graduated a year later. For the next two years, I was coaching a semi-professional soccer team, or assistant coaching, rather. It was an amazing experience and the job was better than I could have ever imagined. Now, I’m on medical leave though for the obvious reasons. If I’m gone for too long though, I’ll be replaced, not because they want to, but because they wont have a choice in the matter. After all, the team can only go so long with a missing coach. If that happens, I’ll then have to worry about finding another coaching job, which those are hard to come by. It’s all a matter of falling in to luck, and knowing just what to do to hold on to that luck.

Was I positive that I would hit remission again and get back with my life? Absolutely. I had all the hope in the world that I would become well again. I had once, and even though I knew that hitting remission a second time was more difficult, I knew that I had the right attitude to overcome this again. It wasn’t fun, but it could be a whole lot worse, because I could be dead. To me, just living was enough encouragement to keep me going and fighting leukemia.

Without warning, every single muscle of my body started to ache all at once, making me feel weak and unable to move without support. I hadn't noticed it before, but I had a feeling it had been there all along. Putting all of my mind power in to positive thoughts again, slowly I was able to make some of the pain deminish. I closed my eyes, feeling the need for a small afternoon nap, Kendra entered my mind again. I was determined to get to know more about her and win her heart. I could tell that she was scared, and I wanted to take that fear away from her and be there for her every step of the way. I hoped that I’d be able to see her soon because she was the first face I’d seen that was close to being my age and seemingly friendly, despite how sad I could tell that she was despite her forced smiles. She needed somebody. She needed me, and as brave as I was, in a way, I needed her too.

Chapter 5- Craig

 

10 Days Later

 

As I neared Kendra’s hospital room, I kept going over and over in my head what I was going to say to her. It had been nearly two weeks since she’d been admitted in to the hospital and I was just now going to visit again. I knew no words would or could ever express what I wanted to say, nor was there any excuse for my actions. I just had to apologize and hope for the best to happen. I knew that she wouldn’t be happy though. After all, I’d promised her nothing would change and after that, I’d called her all of once and had avoided her all together. Nothing would change, my ass. Everything had, and I was well aware that it was my fault. I was stepping up to the plate now though, ready to right what I did wrong. I was nervous, sure, as my shaky step made this obvious. I missed Ken though.

 

“Well, here goes nothing.” I mumbled, standing outside of her doorway for just a second before entering, forcing a bright smile on my face even though I was shaking on the inside, “Hey baby!.”

 

The second I saw Kendra though, I know I must have paled immensely. In just ten days, she’d managed to go from radiantly beautiful to looking downright sick and sullen. Her skin was an ashen color, eyes sunken in with the color of coal circling them. It looked as if she’d lost about twenty pounds, her skin hanging off of her bones, small clumps of her honey blonde hair missing from where the chemotherapy she’d undergone had made it only start fall out. She looked tired. I knew that this was just the beginning and that her looks, her demeanor, her attitude, would fade away even more. My breath caught in my throat, and I became even more speechless when I saw the frosty glare she was managing to shoot me despite everything.

 

“Hello, Craig.”

 

“How um….how are you?”

 

Kendra shrugged, and I slowly, cautiously took small advances towards her. She did not look happy with me in the least bit. Not that I blamed her. Still though, I’d conjured the courage to come. I hoped that she could find it in her heart to understand and forgive me…in time.

 

“Are you feeling okay?” I took a few more steps forward, finding myself inches from Kendra, who had anger in her eyes and a disapproving scowl on her face. All of it was hiding the hurt in which I was sure that I was the one to cause.

 

“Yeah, I’m feeling fine. I should be asking you the same question though. Are you alright? I mean…its been while.”

 

I could feel my cheeks flaming up in humiliation, knowing that Kendra had caught me in my guilt. She knew damned well that nothing had happened to me. She was waiting for me to say aloud that other things had been more important than her. That wasn’t the case though, but to her, I knew it seemed that way. I laughed nervously.

 

“Everything’s alright…” I muttered nervously, “Class, work…the usual.”

 

There was another long, awkward silence. When Kendra had been well, we never had these silences, and if there was one, well…it was because we were staring in to each others eyes, speaking without words. Now, I was avoiding her gaze and she was avoiding mine.

 

“So, have you made any friends here?” I asked lamely, just to break the tension that surrounded.

 

‘It’s the hospital…not a college campus, Craig.”

 

I winced at her frosty tone. But then she spoke again, and I could tell that she was casually trying to make me jealous.

 

“There’s only one person my age. A guy…Anthony. He seems pretty cool. We’ve talked a couple of times.”

 

‘That’s great.” I replied, although I couldn’t keep the dry drip out of my tone, “I’m glad you have somebody to keep you company.”

 

Kendra only shrugged and I was beginning to feel caged in and claustrophobic, with an intense need to escape. I was uncomfortable, feeling like a jerk for acting this way, but she didn’t want me there and to be honest, I didn’t want to be there.

 

‘Same here…it’s lonely in here.”

 

It was quiet again and I adverted my gaze away, because looking at her hurt too much. Her beauty was hidden beneath the thickening layers of scars that would leave her only beautiful on the inside for many months. I tried to stand there for a little longer, but nothing came to my mind that would be a good conversation. So instead of even attempting to try, I tensed and decided to bolt like a damned coward.

 

“I have to work in half an hour, so I better be going.”

“Sure,” was Kendra’s response, “Have fun.”

 

She knew I was lying and I didn’t try to convince her otherwise. So with a small wave, I backed up a few steps before turning and walking quickly out of her room without even giving her a kiss or a small hug. My heart broke when I heard a soft sniffle as I exited, but it wasn’t enough to make me turn back because I too, had tears in my eyes. The sad thing was, the tears were for all the wrong reasons, and even I was man enough to admit that right off without trying to convince myself otherwise this time.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

By the time I reached home, the damp tears were no longer falling freely from my eyes, however now there were a worse kind, a dry tear, lingering in their ghostly presence. I hated it, but I didn’t do anything to stop it either. It killed me on the inside to see how sick Kendra had gotten. I mean, down right tore me up. All I kept thinking was that she looked so close to death. I couldn’t lose Kendra to that. I wasn’t the type that just sat around and watched things happen. Especially things that were beyond my control, and sitting there watching Kendra slowly succumb to a painful, slow death was not me.

 

“I can’t do this…” I found myself muttering as I sank into the soft leather sofa, burying my head into my hands in the utmost grief, “I just can’t…”

 

I knew I was giving up, walking away from this amazing woman who’d done nothing wrong. It wasn’t as if she’d chosen to get sick. She’d just been dealt a shitty hand of cards. Here I was, cowering away though like a puppy with his tail between his legs, despite knowing this. She deserved better than this. She deserved better than me. But still, I didn’t want somebody else to end up with my Kendra. Knowing that I was nothing more than a selfish prick still didn’t change my mindset. I couldn’t deal with Kendra’s illness, however I didn’t want anybody else to have her that could. So one question kept beating on my brain, torturing me right down to my core, and I knew it wouldn’t leave until I had answered it.

 

Do I end things?

 

Do I not end things?

 

Do I end things?

 

Do I not end things?

 

It kept hammering away, like a CD on skip mode, going over and over again like a nagging force. Just over and over again, driving me absolutely insane. I loved this woman, really I did. Was it enough though? Was my fear of losing her more important than her fear of losing everything? It was time I started weighing everything out. The good and the bad with each road I could choose to take.

 

If I left Kendra, it would be selfish and hurtful. Everything between us had been perfect before her getting cancer. I was the only one stopping it from being perfect now. There was just one huge barrier standing in the way of that, which was my guilt and the coward in me. Once again, I was the only one who could change that. I couldn’t bear to see her face, or rather picture her face if I decided to tell her that there would be no more ‘us’. It would shatter her soul, and her hope. She needed me. And could I really live with myself for doing that to her?

 

However if I stayed, I would be the one in constant emotional turmoil. There would be constant fear in my gut, making me sick. Expecting to be able to function would be out of the question. My school work and production at work would falter. Risking that would be too much. However the payoff would be getting to see Kendra’s smile again, and well, possibly seeing her get well and then everything really could get back to normal. Then there was the big IF of her not getting well. What if she continued to get worse. Then I would be left to deal with the pain of losing someone, not to mention the aftermath of it all. Wouldn’t it be easier if I let he go now and not have to deal with it later? I mean, I still had a full life ahead of me. A full healthy life.

 

I weighed out the pros and cons, and in the end I knew which decision I was going to make. Kendra deserved so much better than me. Somebody strong, and willing to work with her instead of against her. I’d chosen to break off all ties I’d had with her. The sad thing was, I didn’t even plan on telling her, because that would be too hard. Instead, I would just let her sit there alone, wondering where I was until she figured out that I wouldn’t be back. She was a smart girl, therefore, she probably already knew. For some reason, that just made everything even harder.

Chapter Six-Kendra

 

    Sick. That’s how I felt the majority of my days. And unlike what Anthony had promised, it wasn’t getting better. The feeling was getting worse, like some sort of plague. My ailing health and disposition had much to be desired. It had been just under three weeks since my admission and I was beginning to think that there really was no light at the end of this infinite, dark tunnel. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I was losing hope, however, my attitude wasn’t as positive as it probably should have been. It was somewhere stuck in the middle, adrift, just waiting to decide which way to turn.

 

   I somewhat blamed my confidence, or lack there of, on Anthony. Just the look he’d given me when I told him of my disease frightened me. It scared me so much in fact, that I’d decided to do some research on it. What I had found scared me even more. Now I knew it wasn’t truly his fault, but I felt I was better off being in the dark. At least if I was naïve about the situation I was in, I could continue on being blissfully ignorant and unaware of how much expectation I should have on my prognosis.

 

    Osteosarcoma certainly is a deadly cancer. Anthony had been right when he’d told me it was a nasty disease to have. First of all, the pain I’d been feeling in my knee over the past months had in fact been the cancer all along. As for the chemotherapy? Well, it turns out that they use that as a method to kill cancer cells that have spread in this instance. Spread. I was worse off than I had thought. My only question was, where had it spread to? The article I’d dug up stated that it could be the lungs, or other bones. As much as I hated to admit it, I hoped that it was to my lungs. It seemed the most promising of being killed off. If it hadn’t spread, I still only had a sixty to eighty chance of survival. Since it seemed that it had though, I wondered what my chances were. It hadn’t said, making me think the worst in the back of my mind.

 

    Then there was the startling truth about my knee, the original site of where the tumors had formed. If the chemo didn’t work, part of my leg would have to be amputated. Then if it couldn’t get any worse from there, more chemo would be coming my way to kill any remaining cancer that still lingered in my body. This would also reduce the risk of it returning again. I laughed bitterly to myself. After all of that, there was still a chance that it would return.

 

    The word that stuck out in my mind the most though was amputation. The word sounded foreign to my mind and even more so to my lips when I finally conjured up enough courage to whispered it aloud. I couldn’t imagine losing a part of me. Having it taken away as if it were useless and unimportant. It was very significant to me though. With a missing leg, I might as well kiss my gymnastics career goodbye. I wasn’t ready to give up on that yet. It would be over in the blink of an eye though if I wanted any chance at living. The thing was though, without gymnastics in my life, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to continue living. Sure, it sounded stupid, petty and even immature. Gymnastics was something that had been a part of me since I was a small child though. To me, it would be the same as taking away an artists hands, or a singers voice. After losing something that was so much a part of who you were, it was like being nothing left but a hollow shell, a shadow of what you once were. I didn’t want to be just a shadow. I didn’t want to be invisible because of losing the one true thing that made me who I am. The one thing that made people notice me.

 

    I must say, the only thing that kept me sane in this prison was Anthony. We saw each other frequently, able to talk more days than not. He was sweet, charming, caring, and handsome. It’s not an exaggeration to say that he is every girl’s fantasy. When I felt down, he was there for me as a shoulder to cry on and a soul to spill my feelings and fears to. In return, I was there for him. My stomach did flips whenever he was around, and the mere thought of Anthony put butterflies in my stomach, and a warm smile would spread across my face. My feelings for him continued to get stronger, a definite crush in the making. There was just one thing stopping me from pursing anything with him. Well, two things.

 

    Cancer, and…

 

     Craig.

 

    The first, the cancer, although it wasn’t enough to drive Anthony away, it just couldn’t work between us. Two people in a relationship who are sick and with no definite future would just be too much. Even with one person, it added quite a bit of stress I would imagine. We would make quite the pair, and although we probably would make a good match, and not run when times got tough because he too knew what it was like, just too many things were standing in the way of that. Which lead me to the next realization on why we couldn’t work.

 

    Craig. My boyfriend. Although he had been bad about contacting me, and even worse about visiting, I still loved him more and more with every single breath that consumed my lungs. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t extremely displeased with his actions. I was furious with him, and when he finally did come to talk to me, I would be having a nice little chat with him about loyalty. Nonetheless though, I loved Craig. I was determined to stay devoted to him. Anthony would just have to be a friend, even though he’d shown me more about love and friendship in three weeks than Craig had in two years.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   

    I had just been in the middle of settling into a movie that was on the TV when I heard a knock on the door. I looked up to see Anthony standing there, as his hand gripped his IV cart. A nurse stood next to him. I wondered why she was there, and fear gripped my stomach because the first thought that came to me was that something was terribly wrong. Despite my worry though, I put a bright smile on my face.

 

    “Hey!” I greeted.

 

    “Hi,” was Anthony’s shy reply, “Was wondering if you were up for some company?”

 

    I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t know if it could be heard, but I was thankful that they weren’t there to deliver any form of bad news. Call me paranoid, but it was a hospital. Nothing good can come of that. I’m sure the nurse was simply there to make sure that I wanted the visit. Neither of them would ever know just how much I wanted it.

 

    “Of course. You’re always welcome.”

 

    Anthony smiled a little as he started into my room slowly, pulling the IV cart behind him. He appeared so thin and fragile, as if a simple blow of the wind would knock him over and break him into pieces. Then again, I knew that I didn’t look much better. Rather than dwelling on these trivial things though, I laughed as he told the nurse she was free to go, with an irritation in his voice.

 

    “Keep your visit limited.” She instructed, pausing for only a second before turning and scurrying away to take care of her other patients.

 

    Anthony rolled his eyes. Those gorgeous, bright blues eyes that could drown you if you stared too deeply into them for a prolonged lapse of time. At the same time, something about them was mysterious, as if they held a secret for you alone, however you had to figure out for yourself just what it was. More yet though, was the fact that I’d found that if I stared into them long enough, not allowing myself to get lost, that I could read right into his soul. All of this from just a pair of eyes.  Without a word being spoken.

 

    “So…how’ve you been?” Anthony asked after another few awkward moments of silence, which I assumed was because he’d been waiting for the nurse to get out of hearing range.

 

    “I guess I’m okay.” I smiled, hiding the sadness in my voice, and hopefully my eyes as well, not wanting to get into my relationship drama, although it was all that consumed my mind.

 

    “Are you?”

 

    I had to hide a blush, for Anthony was reading right through my lie. I shrugged meekly, watching as he took a seat in a vacant chair near my bedside, “I mean, I could be better, but at least I’m alive, right?” Anthony nodded, “How are you doing?”

 

    “I’m good. I just cant wait to get out of here and get back to my life.”

 

    I smiled, realizing that through all of our small talk over the past couple of weeks, I really didn’t know any of the real details of Anthony’s life. I nibbled on the corner of my bottom lip, contemplating on whether or not I should ask. Sure, we’d become friends, but was asking about his personal life going too far when he hadn’t even offered the information willingly?

 

    “I am an assistant coach for a semi-pro soccer team,” Anthony presented to me, as if reading my mind, “If I am gone too long, I’ll be replaced.” He sighed sadly, “I can’t lose that job…we’re a family. Those guys…they’re like my brothers.”

 

    I gave Anthony a sympathetic smile. What could I possibly say to that? They were a team, while in my competitive sport, that’s exactly what it was…competitive. I was taught to hate the rivals. There was no real team, no sisterhood. It was simply me against everybody else. We had to look out for ourselves and ourselves alone with no questions asked. Helping out the enemy could cost us our own success.

 

    “I’m sure everything will turn out fine.” I offered, although both of us knew it was false encouragement.

 

    “Yeah…it did once. Why not again?”

 

    “Right…why not again.” I agreed with confidence.

 

    I felt as if Anthony were about to reply, but was interrupted by the screeching sounds of two females entering the room. I looked up to see my two best friends, Addie and Lauren. A warm smile spread across my lips. They’d called several times, but hadn’t been able to get out here until now due to living over a thousand miles away. While I had chosen to stay in Ohio to continue my Olympic dream, they had gone off to Florida to pursue college careers. Being only three weeks from the end of a semester had made it difficult to come up sooner. I understood this, so how could I hold a grudge?

 

    “Oh my god…what are you doing here?” I asked, hugging each of them individually, “You never said you would be visiting?”

 

    “We wanted to surprise you.” Addie beamed, “Thought you could use some company.”

 

    By now, I had tears in my eyes. Never in a thousand years did I ever expect these girls to drop their lives to come up here because of me. It just proved how great they truly were. Twelve-hundred miles away, and they still could manage to make time for me, while Craig lived ten minutes away and couldn’t. Define irony.

 

    “You guys are the best.” I sniffled, “How long are you staying for?”

 

    “We’ve got hotel reservations through the month…so two and a half weeks.”

 

    “What are you going to do here for two and a half weeks?” I asked, shocked at this. Ohio wasn’t exactly known for its tourist attractions.

 

    Lauren shrugged, “We’ll find something to get into. Of course, we’ll be here daily.”

 

    I smiled, “Well, while you’re here now, there is somebody I would like you to meet.” I realized I’d left Anthony standing there likely feeling pretty excluded.

 

    “Yeah?” Addie smiled.

 

    “Yeah…he’s really great.”

 

    I turned, excited to introduce my two girlfriends to my new companion. When I looked to the chair in which he’d been sitting in though, he was already gone.