I stared at the wall blankly as I thought what went wrong with my marriage to my wife Meagan. I never though it would end it seemed so perfect but I guess we were both wrong.

When we first got married we were just so full of love. We couldn’t stop holding hands, kissing and even at one point stop saying ‘I love you’. And we ended up having our little daughter Nicole who is only four months old. Meagan said I could have total control of our daughter since she is always working. In a way it makes perfect sence to me. I heard the doorbell ring. I opened it and there was one of my buddies Howie.

“Hey man how’s it going?”

“Pretty good.What brings you here?”

“I brought Nikki over. Meagan asked me too. She said she was too busy or something. I don’t know”

“Oh well where is she? You didn’t leave her at your house did you?”

“No of course not she’s in the car” I walked outside and went to Howie’s car and took Nicole out.

We waked back into the house and she fell back alseep in her car seat so I just left her there for the time being.

“Is that all you were here for ws just to bring me my daughter?”

“Pretty much unless there was something else you wanted help with”

“No…not really but I have to get going anyway. I have some cleaning to do. So I will talk to you later man alright?”

“Alright” Howie walked back out to his car and drove off. Its just really weird how Meagan asked Howie to bring her here when I am just a phone call away.

I walked back into my bedroom and took down all the pictures of us together and hid them in an old shoe box I had laying around in my closet. I still hadnt taken off my ring so I shoved that in a drawer somewhere to be unseen. I finally filled the box up with old memories that we shard along the way of our marriage and even our just dating period. I took the box which is now full and shoved it into my closet on the stop shelve since I’m not supposed to love her anymore.

I shouldn’t care or wonder where and how you are
But I cant hide this hurt inside my broken heart
I’m fighting back emotions
That I’ve never thought before
Cause I’m not supposed to love you anymore

Today I decided to go out on the town with the guys. I needed to clear my mind a bit I guess. Instead of going to your ever so normal club we decided just to go out for burgers at the local diner in town.

“So are you liking your freedom?” Kevin asked me.

“I guess its okay. I feel kind of lost. It feels kind of weird not having her around the house. Nikki is just driving me crazy. I am so usd to having her get up and take care of her in the middle of the night, but nope its just me” I stated.

“Sorry man…everything will work out in the end.” Brian said.

“Yeah thanks guys. Has anyone seen Howie lately?”

“No…not really. I think he has some new girlfriend or something. I don’t keep up with his love life. He has someone new so often anymore. I feel like he’s some male prositute or something.” I just chuckled at Kevin’s comment. Howie a male prositute? Somehow I could really see that.

As we got our food I noticed out of the corner of my eyes I saw Meagan carrying our daughter.

“Hey guys excuse me for one moment” I got up and walked over to her.

“Hey”

“Hey”

“How you been?” I didn’t know what to say to her. That was a complete first but then again I couldn’t just go up to her and say ‘hey baby what’s up?’ that would just sound wrong.

“Good I guess. What have you been up too? I see you are out with the guys. Takn you to any bars yet?” she gave me an attitude I guess it’s a crime these days to go out to bars or something. Or maybe she is just jealous she always was.

“No…and why would it be any of your business anyway? We arent together anymore Meagan. Did you forget that?”

“No, I am just looking out for our daughter. I certainly don’t want you coming home drunk around her”

“How stupid do you think I really am Meagan? I wouldn’t do that. You of all people should know me better than that. Never mind…I am just going to stay out of it. I am going to walk away” And then I just left. Some days I wonder why I even married her but I still love her and I always will. I walked back to the table with the guys.

“So how was Miss. Twinkle Toes?”

“A bitch as usual. She’s jealous because I am here. Its like she doesn’t want me to have freedom or something. Then she asked if y’all took me out bar hopping and the said I am basically not allowed to drink because she is afraid I am going to hurt Nikki. She thinks I am like stupid or something. It doesn’t matter though” I stated. The guys all just nodded their heads. Each day I cant help but wonder how she is though. After all I was married to her. I know she still thinks of me too. I still wish we were together but I think we would have killed each other. If we were together any longer. But then I’m not supposed to love her anymore.

I felt like the next couple of weeks was just torture for me. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even take care of myself. Some days were better than others. But some days I just didn’t want to b her. I felt like my whole world would just start tumbling down. I went into my closet and got out the box of pictures I had to see her…her face…her smile…I pulled out the box and dumped them out all over floor. I shuffled through them and remembered all the fun times we had with one another. I couldn’t have imagined that I would be in this situation. Out of all the years we were married I was so in love with her and don’t get me wrong I still am. But there is just so much in take of everything. And I don’t even want to know if I could tell her straight to her face. I just wish there was just some way I could tell her how I really feel without actually having to make contact with her. And then I remembered what my mother said ‘ if you ever just need to get something out you just write it down in a letter and then just send it off’ so here I am no sitting at my desk with a piece of paper and a pen.

Meagan,

I am only writing you this letter only to tell you how I am really feeling about our situation.

I couldn’t imagine being without you. You meant everything to me and we both just kind of threw it all away. I loved you so much I cant help but love you Meagan. I am sitting here at my desk and looking at all of the pictures of us together. I remember all the fun times we had going to the beach…going to concerts and just hanging out with our friends. And when we got married we were so in love. What happened to that? Things seemed to change when we had Nikki. I cant believe we ever split up. Having to toss Nikki back and forth its nerve wreking if you ask me. Why cant we just get back together? What am I saying? It will never happen. All the pain that you have caused me. I am sleeping on the floor instead of the bed where we used to sleep together. Its just killing me to even write you this letter….this is me telling you I love you and I always will and I hope one day you realize that and don’t come crawling back to me because I wont be here. I am moving with Nikki where I can start my life over again. Good-bye Meagan.

Love-Alex

I signed the letter and put it into an evelope and sealed it. I felt better now that I had gotten everything off my chest. Even though I still wrote that I still love her…even though I’m not supposed to love her anymore.

Song Credit ‘Not Supposed To Love You Anymore’ By: Clay Aiken