Running my fingers slowly across the white keys of my piano, I sat down closing my eyes and softly began playing Never Gone. It is a song that had taken years for me to get just right, because it meant everything to me. I have always wanted to be able to express in music my father's life and how there is not a day when I wake up that I don't think about him. I can almost see his smile, I can almost feel his hand on my shoulder, I can almost hear his voice, which was always full of love and warmth. He was the greatest man I have ever known and my heart still aches just wishing I could have one more chance to hear his laugh, or be able to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him. Until the day I see him again, this song is for him.
I remembered back, to the first day I had let the guys listen to the finished song. I was a nervous wreck because after taking so long to finally find the words, I was scared that they wouldn’t like it. So far I had been the only one who had heard it in full. I hadn’t even let Kristin listen to the finished product yet. Of course she had heard me sitting at the piano many late nights and early mornings trying to find the words for my song. But for the first real listen, I felt that the guys should be the first. I really, really wanted it to appear on the new Backstreet album. In my head I already could hear who would sing what parts. They had all sat there in silence and I studied their faces as they listened to the song. I couldn’t believe how much I was stressing over their opinions. Well… yes, that is dumb of me to say since I tend to stress myself out a lot over pretty much everything, but once the song ended and I saw their faces, I had the reaction that I was hoping for, and as they say, the rest is history.
I opened my eyes and looked around at the plaques and framed pictures that lined the walls of the room, all beautiful memories of the things I have accomplished with my 4 little brothers. It always makes me feel so proud. We have worked so hard and it always felt great to be recognized and blessed with so much success. It has been so much more than I could have ever dreamed and expected.
I suddenly heard footsteps and jumped as I saw Nick standing there, leaning against the doorway. Nick giggled and walked over the piano as I let go of my pounding chest and gave him a look,
"You're early, did you knock? How did you get in?"
"I did knock, then when no one came to the door, I tried the handle and it wasn't locked. I could have been a serial killer Kev! Man, you need a better security system."
"I guess I just zoned out."
“Don’t worry, I’ll get you some hearing aides for your birthday, old man!”
Nick grinned playfully and pulled up a stool and sat down beside the piano,
“Oh, which reminds me, you’ve got a SERIOUS seagull problem outside. There’s like 30 freakin birds out there flying around. Oh! I KNOW that they all wanted to poop right on me!”
I laughed and pointed out,
“Actually I think you may have some bird crap on your back.”
Nick quickly jumped up and began spinning around in circles, his neck bent around as far as it could go as he tried to look at his back.
I sat with my arms crossed, grinning as I watched Nick, very amused. Then when I saw Nick becoming really dizzy, I gave in.
“Nah, you’re good, I was just playing.”
Nick stopped and plopped back down on the stool, he raised an eyebrow and shook his finger at me,
“Good one Kev.” Then Nick went on to make an imaginary check mark in the air with his finger, “Nick 1, Seagulls 0”
I shook my head laughing and turned back to the piano.
"What were you playing?" Nick asked as he scooted closer to the side of the piano, resting his elbows on it.
Looking down at the keys, I smiled as another memory hit me,
"Hey, do you remember when just you and I would sit at the piano and we'd sit there for hours sometimes, just playing the piano and you'd just sing your little blond heart out. We haven't done that in a long time, I used to really enjoy it."
"Yeah." Nick smiled, "the guys would all laugh because they joked you did it to punish me for being so whiny all the time.”
“Well they actually had a good point.” He stuck his tongue out at me.
“Oh shut up.”
“You know why I did that though right?”
“Because I’m so loveable and I’m your favourite?”
I rolled my eyes with a smirk.
“Yes Kev, I do know why, and I don’t know if I ever really thanked you for it, but Thank You for always wanting to spend time with me. It meant everything to me and you really taught me a lot.”
“I really liked having that special time with you. You taught me a lot too.”
“Yeah right.”
“I’m serious. You have a great gift at being able to enjoy life and go with the flow. You had a lot dumped on your plate and you still worked just as hard as the rest of us and always had time to laugh and play. Even when I wanted to strangle you for goofing off and thinking that you weren’t taking things seriously enough, sometimes I really wished that I could relax more and not be such a perfectionist all the time.”
“Do you plan on killing me or something? This really sounds like a Eulogy for Nick.”
“Haha. Aren’t you the funny one today! I enjoyed it because it was the only time when you and I would get along back then. We didn’t argue, I never gave you lectures, you didn’t give me attitude or go off sulking. I wanted to help you build up your confidence in your voice. I still remember the very first time I heard you sing, I couldn’t believe how a little kid as tiny as you could have such a huge voice inside. I of course worried about you like crazy, I thought that you were way too young to be out on the road, and when you were with me, at least I could protect you and know that you were taken care of. I know I’ve said this to you a lot, especially over this past year, but I really want you to know that I truly mean it, I am SO proud of you. You have become such a wonderful, grown man and the things you have seen and lived through, you have handled it so amazingly well and I am just so proud of you.”
“That’s because of you guys. You all have taught me everything I know, you all live inside of me and I have a piece of each of you in my heart. But okay, now you’re really starting to freak me out with this sentimental stuff. Well, actually you are always like this, but today you’re even more so. What’s the dealio?”
“Dealio??”
Instead of answering Nick, I started playing "10,000 Promises, a song that always brought good memories. I remembered how proud Nick had been when I had asked him to play the drums with me on that song during our tour way back in the day. Nick’s face was just beaming as he stood behind the curtains while we waited to go out there and play. It was a really great moment. One of the many that I looked back on fondly and was glad I was a part of.
I started to sing, and quickly Nick joined in,
“Once we were dreamers,
Just dreamers we were oh you and I…
…What about your,
Your 10,000 promises?
That you gave to me
Your 10,000 promises
That you promised me
Once I could handle the truth
When the truth was you and I
But time after time all the promises
Turned out to be all lies
And now, now I see that you're somebody
Who wasted my time and...”
Looking at Nick then, I couldn't help but still see the 12 year old that still lived inside of him. Just thinking about how timid and shy Nick was around me at first made me smile. But it didn't take long for Nick to become completely comfortable with the four of us, and we all became a family. I immediately became a big brother to them and as time went on, I felt more like a father to Nick. I really do still feel that way, especially when Nick’s family fell apart and his parents cut him out of their life. That was heartbreaking to watch, and I was furious at Bob and Jane for treating their children the way they have. But I knew then that I had to be the best role model for Nick that I could be. I felt the same way about AJ, he didn’t have a father in his life, and I took it upon myself to let him know that he could always come to me whenever he needed a dad.
Today was going to be a day that I will never forget, and I knew that Nick was going to take this the hardest. That's why I wanted to tell Nick first. I needed to make sure that Nick was okay before having to tell the others. God, how I had hoped that it would have never come to this.
I stopped playing, and took in a deep breath, hating what I was going to do,
"Nick, there's something that I want to talk to you about."
"Sure, what's up?"
"Nick... you know how I've already spoken to you guys a little bit about this, how I was thinking about maybe it's time for me to move on and do other things. Well I have been thinking about it A LOT. I have thought about this intensely and I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure... I've decided that it's best for me to not to be a part of the band anymore."
Nick let out a small laugh, one of nervousness and disbelief. Then he saw that I wasn’t joking and fear washed over his face,
"What... what do you mean?"
I stood up and walked over to him, placing his hand on his shoulder,
"I honestly didn't think I would ever feel this way. But after we had released the new album and were on tour, things just didn't feel right for me anymore. It has become so exhausting for me, mentally, physically, I just feel like I’ve achieved everything I wanted to in the band. I've had that feeling for awhile, but just figured it would go away after we got back into the swing of things. But it didn't and I felt myself drifting further and further away and eventually my whole heart wasn't in it anymore. I'm so sorry."
Nick slowly stood up, my hand was still on his shoulder and I felt it quickly tense up. He just stood there still staring at me, trying to digest my words, and what I saw in his eyes tore my heart apart and was what I was afraid of. I had seen that look so many times, after someone he loved had come into his life long enough to go and completely turn it upside down and leave him broken inside as they walked out of his life.
When he was younger, it was always Brian he would run to in complete hysterics and Brian was the one that would hold him and comfort him and help him get through it. Then when Brian met Leighanne, and Brian had caused that pain in Nick, I became the person Nick leaned on the most. We were all close, but Nick and Brian had a really special relationship. Nick looked up to him like you wouldn't believe and losing that shattered Nick. I know that Brian didn't mean to hurt him, but the truth was that he did and I'm just really glad that they have been able to get back their bond. It took them a long time to mend their wounds and gain the relationship up again, but now they are close again and I'm thankful that Brian will be here to look out for him. But god... that hurt, fear and pain he felt was something I NEVER wanted to be the reason for. I needed to make him understand that I was always going to be a part of his life, no matter what.
I noticed his chest started rising and falling quicker and quicker and I needed to calm him down before he took an anxiety attack.
"Listen to me Nick. Take a deep breath. It is going to be okay."
"Don't say that word.” He gulped in a breath, “Nothing is ever okay….."
He said it with such sadness and anger that I let go of his shoulder and took a step back.
He fell down onto the couch, rubbing his eyes with his palms. Seeing him cry breaks my heart every single time. I always wanted to kicked the person's ass who would hurt him so bad that he'd be in tears, and I did feel like kicking my own ass right about now.
"Why?" He croaked staring down at the floor.
"Nick... I..."
"You can't just leave."
"I'm not..."
"If you need some time to do something on your own, we'll wait for you. You know that."
"It's not fair to you guys if I stayed. I know that I am holding you guys back. I need to do this to be happy. I need to move on with my career. There are others things I want to do. I would rather just bow out gracefully before anything new starts up with the band."
"Bow out gracefully? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?? This is fucking bullshit. We talked about the solo stuff. You always said that we would talk about it and if someone needed some time then we would let them do what they needed to do. It's worked before for us. What about the promise Kev? When we got together after being apart for so many years, things finally felt right again. I felt at home again with you guys. You are all I have and I can’t lose you."
"You won’t lose me, I will always be your big brother loving you and watching out for you. I just do not see myself having a future as a Backstreet Boy anymore."
I knew it was coming… Nick's anger was like a firework, as soon as you lit the fuse, watch the hell out, because when he explodes you'll know.
Right on cue, there it was, I saw the anger flicker in his eyes as Nick jumped up and screamed in my face,
"You know what Kevin?! FUCK YOU! You are a fucking liar and an asshole! I hate you!"
He shoved past me and charged towards the door. His explosive anger and temper was something that he and I shared. It was hard to keep my cool when someone pushed me over the edge, and he was the same. And I knew this was coming with him. That's why I needed to tell him first. I couldn't let him leave here like this. These are the times when he hurts himself, does stupid things that in the end makes him feel even more pain. I wasn't going to let that happen.
I stood in front of the door and wouldn't budge as he tried to get around me.
"You have every right to be furious at me. Just please talk to me about it. Please stay."
He was being stubborn as always and tried shoving me away from the door and when I wouldn't move, he started hitting my arm. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. His arms were down against his sides, and he tried to wiggle free from my grasp, but eventually wore himself out and gave in. He stopped moving, so I eased my grip on him, but didn’t let go of him. I hugged him tight and he clutched onto the back of my shirt. I could feel his hot tears hit my skin as he dug his face into my neck. I held onto him tight and rubbed his back as he gasped for air from crying so hard. We stood like that for what felt like forever and I felt a pang of fear in my heart. What was going to happen when Nick needed me on the road? I will always be just a phone call away, and I’d fly in a heart beat if he really needed me, but that wasn’t the same as just being down the hallway in a hotel room.
When his breathing finally went back to normal, I heard him in a tiny whisper,
"Is it because of me?"
I pulled away and put my hand on his cheek. I made sure he was looking me in the eyes so he would know,
"I love you Nickolas, you will always be my little brother, nothing will ever change that. This is NOT your fault. It's no one's fault. I know that we made a promise and you'll never know how sorry I am for having to hurt you guys like this. Life is about big changes and I just won't be working with you anymore. You will always be my family and I will always be here for you. Always. You need me, and I will be there as fast as I can.”
Nick slowly nodded and I pulled him into another hug.
There was a knock at the door and I didn't know if I was ready to go through this again... Nick turned and walked back into the living room and I turned towards the door and felt my stomach tighten. Each step I took towards the door I felt my heartbeat quicken. I grasped the door knob and pulled the door open and there was Alex standing outside and I smiled. Everytime I saw his face, I was just so grateful to be able to look into his eyes and see him looking right back at me full of life. He didn't turn away or hide behind the sunglasses anymore, he had nothing to be hiding from now and I thank god everyday for that.
"Hey Kevy! What's up?"
He came into the house and I decided just to be upfront with him.
"There's something I need to talk to you about."
He suddenly looked very nervous, and scratched the back of his head,
"Okay, geeze, fine I admit it, I was the one who dented your car with my golf ball."
"What?"
"Uhh, nevermind... hey I saw Nick's car in the driveway, is he here too?"
"Yeah he's in the living room."
I made a mental note to check my car over later as I followed AJ down the hall. AJ was in the middle of telling me some funny joke he heard the other day. But his smile faded and his mood immediately changed when he saw Nick sitting there on the couch looking like his life was over. It was the same look, maybe even worse than the look Nick had when the Paris bullshit was thrown on him, and let me tell you, that was his worst.
“Shit, this isn't good." AJ gripped the arm rests of the chair as he
slowly sat down.
"He's leaving us AJ" Nick blurted out before I had a chance to say anything.
AJ whipped his head up at me, and let out a little laugh of disbelief same as Nick had done.
"What? No...."
I sat down next to him and placed my hand on his knee. I told him the same thing I had said to Nick and he just sat there and let it all soak in as he rubbed the bottom of his shirt with his thumb and finger, his nervous habit. He brought his hand up to his face and started to cry. I brought my arm around him and pulled him in a hug. I closed my eyes and remembered back to when AJ came to talk to me for the first time after he came out of rehab. The last time I had seen him was after I broke his door down, I had never felt so terrified for someone in all my life. I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I had tried everything to help him. I couldn’t stand watching him slowly kill himself, feeling him slowly drift further and further away drove me over the edge. I said the most horrible things to him, things that I never thought I had in me to say. But I was just so damn scared! I knew he was going to die and I didn't know what to do to help him. Then I got a call from Denise saying that AJ had checked himself into rehab. I was right there waiting for
him when he came out and I felt my throat tighten as I looked into Alex's eyes. I didn't realize just how long he had been really gone until I looked into his clear eyes, tired, but full of life again. And how it had been years since I had seen him smile a real smile. We cried many, many happy tears that day.
Proud doesn't even describe how much I admire his strength.
“I know you had talked about this on tour, but none of us thought that you would actually leave…”
I was brought out of my thoughts and turned to him,
“Neither did I, but it’s what I need to do to be happy.”
"Kevin, please. You can't leave. We've been having such a great time. I feel like I’m experiencing this all for the first time. I took so much for granted and was never sober enough to enjoy it. This past year has been the best of my entire life. This all can't be over yet, it just can't be."
I looked at AJ's pleading eyes, then over to Nick who was biting his fingernails away and bouncing his leg so fast it could have flown off.
"I want you guys to continue on without me."
AJ shook his head,
"Kev, we can't. I wouldn’t be right. We promised each other it would always be five."
"I know Alex... and I'm so sorry I had to break that promise..." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, "you all have my blessing to carry on as four, if your hearts are still in it you need to carry on. You guys will do fine without me."
"I don't even want to think about that." AJ sunk down into the chair and as if on cue, there was another knock at the door. I hesitantly left Nick and AJ and started towards the door again.
“Wait Kev.”
I turned around and Alex was right behind me. He reached a hand up to the back of my head and pulled me in for a strong hug. Since Alex had become sober, one of the things that he did a lot of was hugging. He would just randomly come up and give hugs and it is definitely a good idea. Especially when we are out on the road and away from our families, you forget how good a hug feels from someone you love. It is always needed. He let go and gave a sad nod as I turned back to the door.
There was Howie standing there greeting me with a smile and I patted him on the back as he came into the house.
"Hey Kev, how are things going?"
"Could be better, what's new with you?"
"Oh you know, been really busy with meetings and business stuff. I have a new project in the works. There’s this new music artist I will be co-managing and I have that new hotel in Florida opening soon."
"Good for you, that's really great to hear!"
I lead him into the “room of doom” as it should be called now and AJ was sitting next to Nick on the couch. They were talking and when they heard me enter they both stopped and stared at the floor. Howie could instantly feel the tension and suspiciously looked over at me,
“What’s wrong with them?”
“Howie, I…” Just then Howie’s cell phone started to ring and it made me angry. That damn phone must ring at least 100 times a day! Howie went to reach into his pocket for his phone, but I quickly held on to his wrist.
“Howie, please just let me say something first.”
“It might be important Kev, I’ll just be a second.”
“Howie please…”
“I need to take th…” I cut him off and just blurted it out,
“I’m finished being a Backstreet Boy, for good.”
All of us stared at Howie as he stood there. His phone continued to ring but he didn’t move to answer it.
After the first seconds of shock wore off, he started pacing back and forth and refused to look at me.
"Have you talked to Johnny yet?"
AJ and I sighed and Nick looked like he was going to pass out.
"No Howie, no one knows anything yet. I wanted to make sure that I told you
guys first. Let's not discuss the business stuff right now, okay?"
"Well we have a contract Kevin. We have more albums to make. We have fans
waiting for us. You can't just walk away Kevin, do you know how difficult that would be?"
This was Howie's plea for me not to leave them, he wasn't one to talk about
his own feelings, so he hid behind business as usual.
"I've made my decision Howard. I'm sorry."
Howie refused to look at me as I could tell he was fighting back the tears. He excused himself to the bathroom and we all knew he was really going in there to cry. I wish Howie didn't have to hide away from us, but I have to respect him for wanting privacy. That was the way he dealt with this kind of stuff.
Out of all of us, Howie was the one who never cried in front of us.Back in the beginning,
Nick and Brian were the ones who would allow us to see them cry. I always
tried to put up a strong shield and be the "strong" one, but as I've gotten
older, I probably get teary eyed the most now. AJ used to have his "badass
punk" front in the beginning, I just thought it was his late teenage rebel
stage he was going through, none of us knew just how serious it was. How he
was surpressing his feelings and instead of crying or dealing with his pain,
he would wash it away with alcohol and drugs. I'll never forget the first
and only time I've ever seen AJ bawl so hard, when he and I both thought
that he was going to die. After I had kicked down his door and he just
completely fell apart like a shattered piece of glass. Now we have all turned into huge saps, and all of us couldn’t probably shed tears on cue.
Howie has always been the one I had the most in common with when it came to interests.
He was my clubbing buddy, he and I have had some really meaningful and
important talks. He is so smart and so business savvy, I don't think people
really realize that. I love learning about it from him. Hearing him talk about how he manages his money and talk me through an important business meeting he is preparing for, it intrigues me how he has become this huge businessman. Howie has always been the calm and collected one. Fair Howie always wants to see both sides of the story and doesn’t jump to conclusions. Thank god we had someone like that in the group or we would have killed each other years ago.
There was the doorbell for the fourth and final time and I bit my lip as I slowly stepped towards the front door. I had no idea how my cousin was going to take the news. Even though he was going to be the last one to find out, he was the first one that knew that I had been thinking about it. It was during the middle of the European leg of our Never Gone Tour. He overhead me talking to Kristin on the phone and that night after the show he confronted me about it. I told him how things haven’t felt right for me, and how I was thinking maybe it was time for me to hang my hat as a BSB. I’ve never seen my cousin so angry in his entire life. He was literally screaming at me, and for anyone who knows Brian, that’s not something he does very often, but when he does, he means it.
“So you mean to tell me this past year has all been a lie?”
“What? Of course not and you know that.”
“We have worked SO hard to come back from this hiatus and make this new album a success. You’ve been saying how right this has all felt. I thought you wanted this, I thought this was something that we ALL wanted. Hasn’t it felt right again, us all being a family again?”
I rubbed my face and sighed,
“You guys will always be my family, my life. I just don’t think I can do this work anymore Bri. It’s become so mentally exhausting, I’m just not enjoying it anymore. I used to be able to ignore all the bullshit and the stress and the heavy workload, but I’m not a kid anymore, I just think it’s time for me to slow down and do other things.”
“So that’s it, you’re just going to walk away? Take the easy way out and leave us behind to pick up the pieces? I thought I knew you.”
He stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard I thought the walls were going to collapse.
Later that night, after our show, I approached the others about the possibility of me leaving.
They kind of just shrugged it off, none of them believed I would actually follow through with it. They all figured since the tour was coming to an end soon, that I was just getting burnt out. Then after we took our little break, that I’d be refreshed and ready to go again. And at first I truly, truly hoped that they were right. I prayed that was the case. But as the days and weeks went by and it was soon coming time for Backstreet meetings and planning again, my heart knew that I wasn’t running on Backstreet time anymore.
I let them keep living in denial, because I myself was still there and didn’t have the guts to break the news to them. I knew my words were going to sting them all, and if there was any other way to do this, I would have chosen it in a heart beat. But the reality was, I had 3 of my little brothers in my living room right now feeling abandoned, and as I stared at my cousin in the doorway, I was scared to death that they were all going to hate me.
“Hey cuz!! You having a party and didn’t invite me?” Brian pointed outside to the other guys’ cars that now filled up my driveway and I tried to answer with a tiny smile. Nope, couldn’t do it. I thought back to the meeting we were in with Lou, trying to figure out what was missing, how we would go about auditioning another member, and then Brian was the perfect person in my mind. It just felt completely right. I still remember the complete fear and surprise in his voice when I had called, but THANK GOD he
had said yes. I've been so proud and amazed at watching him grow from a
terrified little kid into a mature man, and incredible father. I was hesitant about how he would handle such a quick and drastic change from small town life in Kentucky, to world wide stardom, but he handled it amazingly and I’m so proud of him.
I watched him hang up his jacket, and Brian turned back to me and really looked at me this time. His signature grin quickly disappeared when he saw my face, which probably by now looked like complete shit. I don't even want to look myself. That's when Brian's father instincts immediately kicked in as it did all the time now. He rushed into the house in a calm manner but you could tell he was freaking out on the inside.
"Is everyone okay Kev? My god. What happened?!"
He let out a huge sigh of relief as he went into the living and saw that the
other 3 were there. He probably had a mental attendance sheet in his head
as he checked off all the guys as being present. But then the fear came back
as he looked from each of their faces and when he saw Nick... he immediately
sat down beside Nick on the couch. Placing one arm around Nick's back and he
placed his other hand on Nick's knee. Nick was back into his anxiety attack
again. I had thought telling Nick first was a good idea, but now I'm
regretting it. Having him hear me drop the bomb 4 times is taking its toll
on him right now. If I hadn't thought this decision over a million times
until I was so sure, then I would have backed out the second Nick had
arrived at my door. I let Brian try and console Nick, even though as soon as
I told Brian the news, Nick would be a mess again. I wish someone would just
shoot me right now. But no, this was my decision, I have to accept what
comes along with my decision no matter how much it hurts like hell. Well here
it goes...
"Bri..."
"You really are leaving, aren't you?" He already had tears streaming down his cheeks, and I couldn't be the strong one anymore.
I burst into tears as I nodded. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
My body shook as I sobbed. My legs turned to jello and as I slumped down to the floor.
I felt my four brothers wrap their arms around me tight and engulfed me in one huge loving embrace.
For the first time in over a year and a half, the weight on my heart lifted. All the memories of the past 13 years flooded in. Together we saw the world and did so many amazing things that most people will only ever be able to dream about. We started out as young, naive little boys and today we are strong grown men and brothers with a bond that you just can't explain to people.
I will forever carry all of this in my heart. I know that they will be okay without me because I have watched all four find themselves and become the musicians and beautiful individuals that I have been so fortunate to make beautiful music and memories with. Now I am ready to see what the rest of my life has in store for me but I will never say goodbye to them. I will say, “See you later” because I will always be their over-protective, anal, perfectionist, worrying, softie big brother, I am proud of that title, and I will fight to keep it. I would never have been able to make my father proud of his son if I had never known Nickolas, Alexander, Brian and Howard. This will never be goodbye because this is the new beginning to the next step in our lives, and I know it will be another amazing journey.
“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.”