There he was,A.J...doing nothing but relaxing..he was in the bathtub doing that for more than an hour,just closing his eyes and breathing quietly..I was there,watching him for about 10 minutes but he didn't really notice that..it's great to see him once again after the backstreet's tour,they came home to spend Christmas and the new year holiday with their families..it was tough,that I wasn't able to see him and talk to him,you know,face to face during the tour,I have just missed him like hell,and now just seeing him once again and being with him brought me back to life..I can't get my mind off remembering how he looked at me at the airport yesterday when he arrived..the way he raised his eyebrows and mouthed,"I have missed you",I was still standing,smiled and mouthed back,"missed you like hell" and grinned..I ran to his arms and hugged him tight..his scent made me blow away..I took off his cap,kissed him,looked at his eyes that I missed,messed his hair up and kissed him again...I wasn't even aware that I didn't say hi to the other guys,who and their families have left us to reach their cars,it was An amazing moment..

I kept on watching Alex,relaxing peacefully..I wonder if he was really relaxing or he was thinking of something,because he didn't even notice that I walked closer to him,and when I reached him,I knelt to kiss him,so he opened his beautiful brown eyes,smiled and said,"hey...I didn't notice you are here"..i replied,"actually I was there for a while" while I was getting to the tub with all my clothes.."really?" he asked..I put my arms around his neck,whispered,"sorry for interrupting",and smiled,he put his arms around my waist,"it's my pleasure to be interrupted by you" then he added,"you know,I was so tired yesterday,I know we didn't even talk that much,and I didn't do or say everything I wanted to..so here we are,alone,in this tub...Perfect..heh"..I whispered in his ear,"I missed your touch" and I started kissing his neck..so he whispered,"missed yours,too"and rubbed my neck with his thumb,then as my mouth touched his beautiful sexy lips,and as we were having our perfect intimate kiss,his cellphone rang..I can't deny that I was pissed off,but I was more angry when I knew who the caller was..

It was that girl...that certain girl,Beth..whom I wasn't really comfortable with,she was Alex's ex..and now they are friends..she's a performer and seems to be depending on A.J. so much..I don't know,but yesterday she called him about 3 or 4 times on his cellphone,and they chatted for a long time..I thought in my mind,"what are they doing?what are they talking about?"I mean,Alex didn't even rest from the long,tiring tour,and she was there talking to him more than I did..I was truly mad yesterday,but I didn't say a word to A.J...so,she's doing that once again today..and she's spoiling my day with A.J...

Alex said to her,"so,Beth,wassup?" he listened to her for a moment and said,"today?! now??!!!"and raised his eyebrow..then he added,"yeah,sure,ok..see ya then"..I looked at him silently,and waited for his explanation for the "today" thing..so he explained saying,"well,it was Beth..and you know..I gotta meet her today to help her in some stuff..that's it..but I won't go now"..I looked him in the eye for a while,then I asked,"don't you think that she's getting all your time?",he looked at me,narrowed his eyes and quickly said,"what do you mean by that?"..so I explained,"well,yesterday you talked to her and now today...she's driving me nuts..and you don't even remember that you still have a girlf",he just opened his eyes widely he seemed to be confused and not knowing what to say,then he opened his mouth to talk,but I continued in talking,"don't say a thing..just listen to me..it's not about today and yesterday..even before that..I mean,you hang out together alot...it's ok with me..really..but the press,the magazines,they say that you two are in a relation..that really pissed me off..how could they say such a thing..do you know how much that hurts..to see all the people talking about cheating..I believe there's nothing between you and her..but it's them driving me crazy..I am hurt..believe me..I wanted to keep this all in my heart,and never say a word about this bullshit..but that's it..I can't do this anymore..because I'm done with this..you even where together in Spain,I don't think that this was a coincidence..you two go out together that I don't even see you enough...it's not about you..it's about her I'm not really comfortable with her at all..damn it..",A.J.looked like he was truly shocked with what he heard,like he didn't ever in his life imagine he would hear me saying that...it took him a moment to say,"are you jealous?"I yelled with an angry look on my face,"No..no I'm not..it's about her,about the press,about the people..and well..i don't feel like I'm number one in your life anymore..I don't feel I'm your girlf anymore"..he smiled and moved his hands to surround my waist again with them,"sweetheart,let them say what they want to..you know it's not true..because I luv you..only you..and about Beth,you know it's just business and friendship...nothing more" then he closed his eyes,and came closer to kiss me...but I moved back a little bit,and got out of the tub and sighed,"I don't wanna do it anymore" and left Alex thinking about everything that I said..he knew that I was absolutely serious..he followed me after he put his towel around his waist,"you seem to be so serious about it!!!"he exclaimed.."YES I am..damn it",I yelled,"but anyway,put your clothes on and go to her...I don't care"....he grabbed my arm quickly & looked me in the eye,"I will go to her,but not before you forget all these crazy,stupid stuff you think of..it's really stupid..how could you think like this..it's business..business...don't you understand?"..I closed my eyes and sighed,"ok..business..won't you go right now?"..he kissed me a little kiss,put his hand on ma cheek,"yeah,I'll go..but when I come back,we should have a talk..I don't wanna see you mad at me,okay??just think about everything I said,and erase all of your crazy thoughts..just fuck what everybody says..I don't care about anyone..you should do that too..many rumors have been said,you know the press,and believe me,this is another stupid rumor...just ignore,okay??"he tried to convince me while rubbing my back.....then with his sexy voice and a very cute smile on his lips he said,"I won't be late..so when I come back I guess I'll do some "relaxing" so that you can interrupt me once again..heh"..hearing that drew a big grin on my face so he kissed me and went to put his clothes on..

After Alex was gone, I lay on the couch...I was totally sinking in my own thoughts...like the conversation wasn't enough for me...

but I am still confused...does this mean that Nicole and Amy are wrong??..But they told me that they saw them together,holding hands...and well...they even kissed...I can't say that Amy & Nicole are liars, they are my close friends...& I can't say that Alex is a liar, either,I trust him 100%..But what if they are right, what if they really saw them doing that...what if he and Beth, are in a relation..I was gonna lose my mind...I yelled," that's crazy" hoping that these ideas would vanish, but they didn't...I bit my lower lip and continued thinking...could they be that close...but...if that was right, I guess I would feel that Alex has changed...but he hasn't, he is even sweeter than ever..Maybe he's trying to be sweet to never hurt me..And when it's the right time, he'll tell me the truth.
I started biting my nails as I was looking up at the ceiling..I was worried about where my mind would get me if I continued thinking..I scratched my head for a moment, then I remembered every time I was with A.J. & met her "by a coincidence"..The way she looked at A.J., keeping her eyes on him..The look in her eyes wasn't that innocent. and I believe she wasn't paying attention to a word of what we were saying in our conversation there...I kinda saw them locking eyes for a moment and I felt that Alex was confused..God..I'm now suspicious, and I didn't know what to do..But..c'mon...Alex won't do a thing to hurt me...well....maybe that's the reason why he lies to me...but...I'm not even sure that he's lying...maybe he's saying the truth...maybe Nicole and Amy are wrong...I mean, maybe they saw someone that looks like A.J. and thought it was him...no...I don't think they would see a guy & think he's Alex...it's impossible...but...no...A.J. can't do that to me...he's so honest...I can't believe what I'm trying to tell myself, because it's not true..No,it's not true...he's not a cheater..I'm gonna follow my heart...yeah..My heart tells me that's not true, and that I gotta believe Alex..Because he's not that kind of guys..I sighed...got up of the couch and started walking...but...following what the heart says isn't always the right thing to do...sometimes it causes disasters...sometimes the heart tells us what we wanna deep within believe in...even if it isn't the truth...maybe following the heart is only a way to run away from reality...maybe it's just another big mistake to do...and definitely, I'm not ready for any big mistakes right now...because every mistake has a price...and I'm not willing to pay any prices...I sat with ma back against the wall, and put my head on my knees, not knowing what to do or what to believe..I looked at the watch, it was 2 o' clock in the morning, I said to myself,"yeah,they're together...and here I am, alone in this empty house...he said he won't be late, but it's been 5 hours since he's gone..Well..Maybe that's not "late yet".."

It was between 3:30 to 3:45 in the morning when I heard the door's lock opened, and the steps of Alex coming towards the bedroom....I was in bed pretending to be sleeping, while in reality, my mind was full of expected excuses that A.J. would start telling me tomorrow, specially that he was really late and I was in bed like I was totally sure that he would stay with Beth & won't come back early...like I was totally sure that there was no use to stay up and wait for him..I preferred to keep pretending that I was sleeping...I heard him mumbling to himself ,then he kissed my forehead..& rolled under the sheets to sleep....I never knew what the meaning of that kiss was...was it a kiss to say,"I'm sorry for the broken heart I'd leave u with" or was it "I know you are not sleeping"...

The first thing that I saw in the morning when I opened my eyes, was a pair of eyes next to me on the pillow looking at me, I smiled,"what?!", it's unexpected to wake up in the morning and see that there's someone staring at you. It's funny though because you feel embarrassed and you don't know what to do.A.J. answered with a big smile on his face," nothing but it's so cute looking at you sleeping peacefully," I wanted to say something but then he added," except all of the snort". I shot him with a look," no...No. I don't snort...never" I paused for a moment & asked quickly," do I?" he grinned "yes you do"." no I don't"." you do"." do not...but...at least I don't talk while I'm sleeping, I got up at night to hear you mumbling and talking to yourself, like one night, I thought I thought you were talking to me, and tried hard to concentrate and understand what you were telling me, it was hilarious when I found out that you were still sleeping," Alex scratched his beard thoughtfully and said," do I really do that?", I asked," do I really snort?" so he answered,"no..I was just teasing you" I grinned," well so was I".

He moved his head on the pillow closer to mine and kissed the tip of my nose, I couldn't help but laughing, so he was like,"what? What is so funny?" I said,"nothing, i was ready for the kiss somewhere else not on my nose" he smiled" well it was the first thing that I could reach" then he began to laugh...Man how I love that laugh, it takes my breath away. He knows that there are two things in him that kill me-sure besides his body, his voice, his tattoos and his style-they are his eyes and his laugh. I absolutely can spend all day long just looking at his eyes and watching his lips as he laughs, that was my pleasure in life; just watching him and feeling that I'm the luckiest girl on earth because I've got him. He held my hand then he kissed me and said," I apologize for being late yesterday"..."oh boy, here we are discussing the thing that I was thinking of all night yesterday" I was telling myself. I smiled and said," never mind, it's ok" then I added," I was kinda sleepy, so I slept after you were gone"...

yeah,yeah, I know I lied, but I didn't wanna talk in the same subject, I didn't wanna say anything about him & Beth at least for now...I gotta see Amy & Nicole..sure...I wanna talk to them, I would probably tell them that I wish they hadn't told me anything, because I have been busy for 24/7 in thinking of this issue, and it's really killing me because I don't know what to do..And I would thank them for screwing my life with A.J….But…It's not their fault though, they have just told me what they saw, they had nothing to do with this and I can't blame them for what they've done.

Alex made me stop all of this thinking when he kissed the top of my hand and said," I don't want you to feel that I don't have time to spend with you", I didn't have any comment for that, but I placed my head on his chest, gently he started playing with my hair; moving his hand through it. I've always liked that feeling, it makes me relaxed & comfortable…I closed my eyes…I could feel his heartbeats, his breath & his soul...It's not like I just felt him physically; it was a deeper feeling, it was like we are one soul in different bodies. I have never felt this way before, it wasn't that deep ever, but this time it was like it's digging through me, I didn't only feel every breath he takes or every heartbeat his heart makes. But I also felt every sorrow and every happy memory that is saved in his mind, and is ready to pop up to his head-whether it was the right time or not- to draw either a smile or a tear on his face…I felt love..I felt all the love he has for me and it was like he gave me energy; the energy to love more..that gave me the sweetest feeling I've ever had, I even let go all the "Beth & A.J." thing for some time, I didn't wanna think about it, or about anything else; because I didn't want anything to distract me from feeling his energy, it was something I wanted to feel to the max,I wanted to fill my heart with..

I placed my hand on his neck, and rubbed it with my thumb, I opened my eyes, kissed his chest and said," love you Bone" he smiled to me and whispered," me too sweetheart", then he suddenly changed his tone, to his sweet joyful tone," so…any plans for today?"…"I gotta see Amy.Why? Anything in your mind?" I looked at him with my evil look on my face and winked, he absolutely could read my mind, he knew what I meant and what I wanted, so he raised his eyebrow and answered,"Maybe..."he paused for a while then added," As you like…it's up to you" and grinned...He could know what I would say; that I would stick with him for the rest of the day, because there's nothing in this world that I prefer more than being with him, I answered smiling and kissing his neck,"hmm…man how I miss those moments, and now I have the opportunity to do it all over again" I kept on kissing him," you know, it's been a while that we weren't able to do this…me & Amy going out together, I missed that", I stopped to watch his reaction and started giggling, he shot me with a look and he also started laughing. He knows that I love teasing him. the whole situation was really ridiculous but we were laughing so much, you know, there are times when you start laughing at anything and you never stop, even if you could somehow stop, you would remember how silly you were and start laughing once again, That was one of these times, we laughed until our eyes were tearful, it was absolutely one of the "laugh attacks"; I believe I was laughing with all my heart because of that feeling of safety which A.J. gives me, when I'm with him I feel safe and protected, it's a feeling that I've never felt before meeting Alex and missed it when he was gone during the tour.

While we were laughing, nothing could stop us..Except..Well..A cell phone ring. I was gonna explode, I whispered to myself,"GOD!!!Does she have a timer or what? Damn it Beth…she's gonna do anything to screw my life…but…wait a minute…this is my cellphone...ah...what a relief"...
That was Roza bestfriend,"it's Roza" I told Alex," tell her I miss her" he asked me..
-"hey Roza, what's up?"
-"hey"
I could tell that she wasn't alright, there was something weird about her voice, so I asked her," what's the problem hun?"
-"nothing, I'm just…fucked up. That's all. Will you please come to my home now; I need to talk to you"
-"yeah sure..But..What's going on? I'm getting worried"
She let out a big sigh, that I could feel a lot of frustration in, then she added," I'm not fine,anyway,I'll tell you when you're here", I answered her," ok,I'll change and come to you"

After I hung up, I looked at Alex, I was worried," what is it, baby?" he asked," I don't know, she didn't say anything", I paused then said," I hope it's not about her dad" as I got out of the bed and started changing as fast as I could. Alex tried to comfort me," I think her dad is fine after the surgery, he's still in the hospital, right?" I answered," yes, he's still there" while rushing to the Bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth..." The last two months were the worst for her, her father kept going in & out of the hospital, her life was like hell, you know how much Roza is attached to her father, it was really tough for her" by the en of this sentence I was ready to leave, I took my bag and the key of my car, quickly kissed A.J. goodbye and rushed out while I was hearing A.J.'s voice telling me to send Roza his greetings and to drive slowly.

It doesn't take a lot of time to reach nick's home ; where Roza stays , ten minutes maximum and I'm there , but this time I lost all sense of time, I didn't know how I drove my car and reached there.

I knocked the door, Raz opened , didn't say hi or whatever , I didn't even wait for her to say anything , I immediately said with a look of anxiety ,"what is it baby?", her lips faked a smile as she commented ,"won't you say hello first?".. " yeah , sure … hello , now what is it?" , "come on in , I'll tell you ". She let me in then said , "I should go back to New York " she paused , "to stay there "…I was totally stunned , I thought what in the world would force her to leave everything she got right here and go back to NY , I asked ,"anything wrong with your father?"… She looked at me, "no, actually it's about me" she answered as she sat on the couch. She took a few seconds so that she can say,"I don't think I'm the one for Nick"… "Wait a minute, you don't think you're the one for Nick, that's ridiculous" I commented, I was still not believing that Raz is saying that. Raz & Nick went through many ups and downs together , she can't let go of Nick , they're so attached to one another , no one knows them like I do… & I know Raz can't live without him , neither can Nick. So hearing Raz saying that was absolutely shocking to me… I looked at her suspiciously, "Roza, are you serious? I'm sure it's not you saying this", "nah why? I meant what I said ", she didn’t look at me; like she believed that if she don't let me see her eyes I would believe her lie. At that moment I knew she was lying but I didn't know why, because she doesn't have those crazy ideas. She believes that Nick & she are soul mates, she strongly believes in this, so that everyone who knows them finds it really intuitive. Roza was always excited and just really anxious whenever she saw Nick, like her heart would open up and her eyes would immediately glow , even while living with him , she always felt the same , and whenever the did something special together like going out for a romantic dinner , she would tell me every small detail , it's like she doesn't believe her eyes when she's with Nick , though they are together for seven months…" why?" the question ran out of my mouth , "it's just like that…I don't know…I don't know why" her words came out really quickly like she had many things in her mind and wanted me to know all of them , before she loses her ability to speak. "Everyone around me says that; I and Nick are not meant to be to each other." She said it with a broken heart; her eyes began to become tearful,"my family, my friends, all the people I know say it. I'm not for him.", "if you are not for him, then who is?" I asked her because I knew they are perfect together. "Do you feel it in your heart that you don't love him anymore?'Cause I can't believe a word of what you're saying. Just a few weeks ago you were saying you can't live without him. It doesn't make any sense to me "… "I'm so confused…I don’t know…" she lost her calmness "God help me, I know nothing. I don't feel like I used to , besides , what they say is true , God , I can't take this " her voice was shivering…I was looking at her , she has never been like this before ; broken inside and confused , I felt like a part of her has died. I have never seen her in such a mess, she was trying to hide how bad she felt, but I feel everything, she doesn't need to say a word. " and do 'they' know you and Nick better than yourselves?" , "no , they don't" she said ,"but…it's true , I mean Nick is like a rock star , whatever he wants he can get ; cars , houses , even girls…and I'm asking myself why? Why me? He knows many many girls prettier than me, so why me?...maybe I'm just 'another chick'. I don't wanna think about this , but some bad , dark ideas are on my mind…I can't help it , and I ask myself every single day why did he choose me? And why did you set us a day that night?? Maybe I wasn't ready to have another relation after Jim and what if I AM the one for Jim not Nick.", "now you're saying this!!!" I exclaimed, "but you were the one who dumped him, you said that you didn't love him anymore, and you broke up with him…I know you never been happier before meeting Nick. But you know what, that sounds like what your family says, why don't they accept that you and Nick are together now. I can't believe this; you're talking just like them. God , how could you abandon all the things that you strongly fought for this easily…and suddenly it's now my fault that you two are together 'cause of that date??!!!". She covered her face with her hands and started crying, I blamed myself for being tha6t tough; she needed me to comfort her, not to yell at her. I hugged her tightly ,"I'm sorry " I apologized , "nah" I could see pain in her eyes , "you don't even know what I did"…I said nothing , because I knew Roza wouldn't do something horrible , she's just so pure , so careful. She won't do a thing then regret it, "I'm sure you're over-reacting sweetheart." I commented. "I have been meeting Jim for a few days, and I kissed him"…I was silent; my head was full of questions about Jim; why the hell did he come back? Why did they kiss? And what is going on in his mind?... I could hear her breaths go louder and louder, she wept, and her voice faded away as she was saying, "yesterday I slept with him…I cheated on Nick"