~ Kevin ~

I sat behind the wheel of our rented SUV wondering why it is that I was always thrown into these situations. I buckled my seat belt slowly and waited for all of my band mates to pile into the car before I started it up. We aren't even out of the driveway yet and already a quarrel has started. Nothing serious but still an argument. No matter how petty they were these days they still managed to seep into my head in the form of a nagging migraine. I wanted to yell at them to shut the hell up but I knew it was just going to be a useless plea. Over the years I have wizened up and realized that it's pointless to argue with people who don't seem to care about what you have to say, so I sit there silently letting it run off my back.

I never quite figured out why my worry and drive was always misconstrued as being stern and serious. It really used to get to me when I was younger. I was a child back then, when we started this journey together. Nick has now just reached the age I was when we first sang together. He is young to the world yet I was always considered old. I look in the rear view mirror to see if the argument is even close to being over but yet, it seems very far away.

The argument isn't the only thing that feels that distant to me anymore, our careers are also seeming to wane of into the sunset. It scares me a little and it pleases me a little. I have so thoroughly enjoyed my free time with Kristin. just two soul mates traveling together with not a care in the world. Something that I can take solace in is knowing that if it all does go away, she will still remain. I smile at that thought and suddenly the headache slows to a dull throb.

I'm just about to turn the key to start this little "trip of hope" as Kyle a spokesman from Jive put it, only to be told that someone has to run back inside to grab his bag. I don't really pay attention to who it is but I have my own idea. so I sit back in my seat and sigh heavily.

Someone then puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I acknowledge it by looking across to my passenger seat and smiling. I hadn't even bothered to notice who was going to be accompanying me in the front seat and I was secretly relieved to find it was Nick. I was wrong, I thought for sure it was Nick who had forgotten his bag. I find myself smiling even more when I see my cousin running back to the car. I hadn't thought it was him but lately nothing was much as it seemed.

Thoughts of the old days rip through my mind with a grim feeling of longing. We had taken so many of these trips along our ten year brotherhood. Most came at the beginning. I was always stuck driving the car because the parents trusted me to take care of their precious children. I always agreed, silently reluctant, to take care of the younger guys. I chuckle under my breath at the thought of parents trusting either Nick or AJ to do the same job they had entrusted me with all those years ago. I would get so angry at the kids in the car as they would fight, wrestle, and yell and scream at each other the entire ride there. They thought it was because I was mad at them. They were wrong. I was just jealous. Oh how many times I had wished that I could be that carefree were too numerous to count. I was never given the opportunity.

I notice that the arguing has escalated to a whole other level as I am surprised to see D so mad. He storms out of the car only to be followed closely by Brian. I briefly think of getting out of the car to make sure things quiet down but I just sit there. AJ gets out of the car to serve as peace maker.

I decide to put the keys back in my pocket and rest my head on the steering wheel. The arguing seems to die down a bit and I take comfort in that. I look up and out the passenger window to see J hugging Brian. Howie nowhere to be seen. I also see Nick watching the scenario in front of us with the same look of awe.

Nick then turns to me and the sadness in his eyes overwhelms me if only for a moment. He smiles at me but I can see he really wants to cry. Feeling the same way I smile back. He has grown up to be quite a wonderful young man and I take pride in that feeling as if I had a hand in making him that way. It was odd to think of Nick as my closest allay in the group. There were many times when we couldn't even bare to be in the same room together. Nine years is a big age difference. The generation gap seems to have gotten smaller over the years and he has been the one who I have talked to the most.

He turns away from me to stare back out the window. I decide the drama no longer holds my attention and I just stare forward. My stomach does a flip flop for the fifth time today and I hope I don't have to flee the car myself. I grimace as I rub my stomach willing the nervous cramps to go away. I never thought my band mates would ever cause me to feel physically sick but I guess there's a first for everything.

Nick noticing my discomfort puts his arm around me again and asks me if I'm all right. I just nod and say it's probably gas. He laughs and starts to fidget in his seat.
"Here comes Howie" Nick said as he put his head all the way back against the rest.

I turn back to the movie playing off to my side once again seeing if we will all live happily ever after this time. Howie walks right past J and Brian and gets back into the car.
"I'm ready whenever the hell you guys are. Lets get this over with!" he says while placing a pillow behind his head. J and Brian start slowly walking back to the car. Right before they enter Nick whispers to me in a voice so small he sounded almost invisible
"What's happened to us Kev?"
I look up at him and answer his question with a shrug. Thinking to myself I wish I knew.

Brian and J finally get into the car and I refasten my seat belt, take the keys out of my pocket and start our journey. I back out of the driveway to the UN mistaken sounds of silence. We have so many miles to travel, I hope we are taking the right road.....

~ AJ ~

We have only been on the road for thirty minutes and already I want to beg Kevin to turn the car around and take us home. I manage to get stuck sitting in the middle of too immature sulking grown men. The only sound either one makes is a grunt of disapproval. I have become peacemaker much to everyone's surprise, especially my own.

Brian and D can't even stand to be anywhere near each other these days but yet they manage to keep it a nasty little secret that only those allowed in the Backstreet Family know about. I get angry at the blonde in the front seat. It's all his damn fault. D got tired of constantly defending Nick to Brian and in the process the one started to resent the other. It has all became a junior high school game that no one particularly wants to play.

Silence. Should be comforting, even golden but seems oddly misplaced in here. Only as recent as a year ago, if we were to take a trip it would be so loud in the car that you would have to scream just to be heard. Now even the slightest clearing of a throat comes as an unexpected comfort to me. I look down at my watch and realize that we have such a long way to go, that I myself make a groaning sound.

"Is something wrong?" Nick asks me from the front without bothering to turn around. I want to yell besides the overwhelming quiet? but reconsider and just say no. Then silence.

"Kevin put the radio on or something!" Howie asks as if reading my thoughts. At the moment I take comfort in the fact that maybe I'm not the only one bothered by the emptiness.

Nick fiddles with the radio dials and everyone he lands on a small grunt from Brian can be heard. This makes D look past me at Brian with a disgusted look and I feel like round two is about to begin. Nick must feel the tension building in the back-seat of the car because he quickly changes the station from rock to country. The change makes me nauseous but I prefer it to the fighting.

"So where are we going anyway?" Nick asks Kevin and all three of us in the back-seat scoot slightly forward to hear the answer. None of us had even bothered to ask before now.

"Kyle has a cabin that he is letting us use for our retreat." I laugh at the use of the word retreat. It was more of an organized kidnapping than a retreat. I don't think a single one of us saw it as anything else. Jive was demanding that we spend this time together. It was more of an ultimatum then a request. They were so smarmy the way they put it, that you wouldn't even realize it was an "or else" thing unless you were a veteran of the business. I am.

It's weird to think of myself as a seasoned professional but at the young age of 24, that's what I am. When I think about all of the things we have seen and experienced together, I am amazed that we have made it this far. This business makes you grow up fast. Too fast.

It's only 8:39 in the morning and already my thirst for alcohol has begun. I can feel the cold beer touching my lips and the spiky sensation of the bubbles going down my throat. Oh how I miss that feeling. Just my alcohol and me. Two best friends meant to be inseparable. Cravings are the worst. The only thing that makes them go away is sleep so I close my eyes in hopes of blocking out all thoughts of drinking.
"Hey Brian, can you pass me a soda?" I ask after I fail to fall asleep.
"Coke already Bone? It's not even 9am yet" Kevin voices while he heads on to the highway.
"Is 7-up okay?" Brian says while handing me the pop. I just nod and open the can to hear that cool fizzing sound. I close my eyes and as the soda hits my mouth I fantasize that it is beer and I smile to myself.

Then, once again silence...

~ Brian ~


It's so funny how when you look out a car window at high speeds, everything seems to become the same dull blurry color green. No matter what it is you happen to be looking at. The trees go by so fast that they all blend into each other. I think that is what started to go wrong for us. We have been together on this crazy ride for so long going at such a fast pace that we all started to get blurry. We blended, first our voices, then our personalities until eventually we as people went away only to be replaced by the dullness of being one of five.

Thank God for small miracles. The day Leighanne came into my life is a day that the blurry green was replaced by a radiant yellow.

I sit up a little and stop staring at the endless passing shrubbery. Just thinking about Leigh makes my pulse quicken and my mind a little clearer. Being away from her, even if only for a few days, was a hard task. She is my world and without her all things seem monotonous.

I look over to AJ who is quietly sipping on his soda and I smile at him secretly wishing he and Sarah would find even half the happiness that Leigh and I have been fortunate enough to share. I wish she was here. But she's not. There's no room for yellow in the blurry world of Backstreet. Instead I have to deal with them.

I gaze into the back of my youngest band members head with such animosity that it almost makes me sad. We were at one time the best of friends, two peas in a pod, brothers in arms. Until I found Leigh, he was my missing half. In a purely platonic way. Now he is a stranger. When I look at Nick, I see hurt.

I hear a sneeze and immediately say bless you to Howie sitting on the other side of J. He says thanks and continues to sleep. I regret getting into a fight with D but quickly shake it out of my mind. There is enough tension in this car already.

I turn my thoughts back to Nick. Five years is a big age difference. He is one place and I'm in another. We can't seem to ever meet in between. Leigh tells me it happens sometimes. Even the best of friends drift apart. I could do better. So could he.
Leigh and I are almost six years apart. I feel no difference in age when it comes to her. She has been the best thing that has ever walked into my life.

"What are you thinking about?" AJ asks me. I look over at him and almost keep it my secret but instead answer proudly "Leigh"
A sarcastic chuckle can be heard coming from the front seat, but I choose to just ignore it. J nods his head and goes back to nursing his soda.

9:37am. I wish I had taken something to help me sleep on this trip.
"Kevin, how long before we get there?" I ask with the slightest hint of anxiety in my voice.
" We have a long way to go yet Bri" He says annoyed. I fidget to try to stretch my legs.

'You can borrow my game boy if you want to Brian, I'm not using it right now." Nick says as he stretches behind his head to hand me the game. I say thanks and take it. I want to say so much more but for now the words are lost. Maybe I would find them later. I start to play but soon realize that my 27 year old eyes cannot adjust to the motion and stay in focus on the game, so I put it down and once again stare out the window.

The dull blurry trees still blending together....

~ Howie ~


A bump in the road startles me out of my sleep and I stretch my arms and yawn while trying to work a kink out of my neck. I look to my right to notice that my two band mates are asleep and for the time being, the back of the car is mine. My watch says it's only 10:15 and I am disappointed to see that my slumber didn't last as long as I would have liked. Ah well, what can you do? I sit up and look straight ahead.

It's hard to see over Kevin's tall frame but I manage to notice that we are passing by beautiful countryside. I scurry through my bag looking for my camera. I decide to take a picture of the view.
"what are you doing D" Kevin asks me when he heres the click of the camera.
"Just taking it all in" I say as I realize just how much truth there is to that statement.

There is a lot that needs to be taken in. I fully understand how desperate this trip is but I'm not entirely sure that everyone else gets it. I shudder at the thought of having to digest an end to this group. This isn't how I pictured it happening.

If you were to look at a scrapbook of our life together, It has been far from happiness all the way, but now the pictures are more black and white than color. The smiling faces replaced by pensive looks. The laughing and hugging replaced by resentment and arguing. Yes, this is definitely not how I pictured this.

I try to snap another picture but Kevin's head interrupts the view. I'm just about to give up hope when Nick offers to take the picture for me. I smile and give him the camera.
"D, I'm not really good at this so if it doesn't come out right don't get mad okay?" he says to me as he attempts to take the picture. He snaps one and then hands the camera back to me.

Nick apologizes for everything nowadays. There was a time that I would know he was only kidding but not anymore. He feels like this is all his fault. It's not. It's everybody's. I smile and put the camera back in my bag. The rustling wakes Brian up and I feel guilty for making so much noise.

"Sorry Brian, I didn't mean to wake you up." I say as he turns my way and stretches his body out as I did before.
"It's no problem, I wasn't really sleeping anyway" he says as he fiddles for Nick's Gameboy. Seeing that toy in his hand gives me hope that the two of them will reconcile.
"I'm sorry about before too, I was being a crabby jerk! This cold is making me be a real idiot." I say to Brian as he makes eye contact with me. His smile let's me know that for now, all is forgiven.

I turn my thoughts back to photography. Old band pictures of the five of us making faces at the camera after hours of takes. I miss that. I grab my camera again and have an idea. "Hey Brian, let's take a picture of J while he is sleeping." I say as a smile crosses his face.
"Why don't you guys put his thumb in his mouth or something" Nick says hoping that one of us would take him up on that. I decide that now is the time and go for it. I place J's finger in his mouth as Brian snaps the picture.

The whole car rolls with laughter as AJ wakes up at the flash of light. Kevin glances at me from the rearview mirror and smiles. Nick looks back at me and mouths the words thank you and Brian reaches over J to give me a high five.

This is much better I think to myself as the car quiets down. I miss the laughter and the pranks. I was usually the brunt but still, it was better than nothing.

I continue to look out the front to see the beautiful country side and continue to wish that the pictures won't fade to black and white....

~ Nick ~

I am and always will be an invisible child. Longing for constant attention and love. That's why I do what I do. The music business wasn't always inviting to me. I longed for nothing more than a normal life. The perk of possible stardom was incomparable to the feeling of being more than the oldest burden of the family....

I am pushed out of my thoughts by another wave of laughter at AJ's expense. He acts as though the picture we took of him was akin to a public stoning. I can't help but to laugh along.

It feels good to laugh if only for a moment. When I was younger I used to laugh all the time over the stupidest things. Now I find it difficult to chuckle feeling guilty that maybe I am having too much fun. I look over to Kevin who is still smiling and I want the moment to last forever. J is complaining in the back-seat but secretly I think he was happy to be the center of everyone's attention. Maybe things will go back to normal.

I feel myself getting antsy and I hope that Kevin's bladder makes him have to stop the car soon. The old me would have whined repeatedly by now for him to stop. Not the new me. The grown up Nick will just grin and bear whatever is thrown his way. The car settled back down to an eerie quiet except for the beep of my video game. I wish I was playing it now but at least it is keeping one of us busy.

My stomach growls and I try to find a stick of gum in my bag to help. I'm definitely ready for this car to stop so I can get something to eat and stretch my legs.

"Does anybody have any gum or anything?" I ask when my attempt at finding my own fails. No one answers me. Once again I am invisible. I always am. I rest my head against the back of the chair and the temporary feeling of happiness is once again replaced by emptiness. This brings me back to thoughts of home.

Mom always was and still is a big dreamer. A woman who wants nothing more than to see her children succeed. A stage Mom by every possible definition. I never wanted any of this. Neither did Aaron or Leslie. This was mom's dream. All I wanted was to be more than just a conversation piece. That's all I am though. That's what we all have become...

"I have some tic tacs will that be good enough for you." I wonder where that sentence fragment comes from only to realize it is an answer to the question I asked about five minutes ago. I turn to Kevin and say sure as he hands me the little candy mints. They feel so smooth going into my mouth that my brain almost tricks me into swallowing them whole.

Swallowing them whole, just like pills, will ease my pain and make me more noticeable. Now my hunger turns more to the drugs I had been taking then the food I was longing for. I miss them. Did the guys even know? I wonder as I continue to suck on the mints. the trip to the hospital, the near fatal overdose, the cover up. They are unaware of it all.

Mom wasn't unaware though, she was right there when they admitted me into treatment. Refusing to let me tell anyone. I had an image to uphold. She had an image to uphold...

"Hey Kev, you have any more of those things?" Brian asks from the back seat.
"Yup, Nick can you pass these to Rok please" I take the candy and throw it blindly behind me accidentally hitting J in the head.
"Dammit Nick what is wrong with you people are you all trying to kill me or something?" he says as more laughter echoes through the car.

I smile.

This is the way it should be. Five brothers laughing in the car. Not a care in the world.
I miss things like this. I turn my body around as much as my seat belt will allow to look at Brian. He is turned toward AJ laughing like a kid. He briefly looks over at me and our eyes lock for an instant. Then he looks down and continues to play my video game. I turn back around and stare out the front of the car.

"Kevin can we stop soon, I'm getting hungry" Howie says from the back and I secretly thank God it was him and not me.
"Sure thing, I could use the break and I have to pee" comes Kevin's reply. I look across at Kevin's wrist to see what time it is and am surprised to see that it's almost noon.

"Where are we going to stop to eat?" I ask as I shift in my seat once again. Silence is my only reply.
"Where are we going to eat?" J asks not less than one minute after my question. He however gets an immediate response.
"I don't know, somewhere quiet and not busy. We have no bodyguards around and if we are mobbed we're on our own." Brian answers.

Howie assigns me the job of looking for a perfect spot to eat. I don't mind because it allows me to keep my mind off things. I look out the window to see no signs of life for miles. I think to myself that we will not be eating anytime soon.

I keep it a secret. Just like everything else.

"I need some" I hear myself say out loud and quickly look around the car to see if anyone heard me. They didn't. I turn back to my thoughts...

I need something. Something to fill the emptiness. Food, drugs, alcohol, it doesn't matter it will all do the same. It will make me ... feel. That's all I want.

"Some what?" I hear Brian ask me from his spot in the car. I turn around to see if he was actually talking to me. I was met with his stare and a small smile.

I can't help but smile back.

"Well?" He says to me. "Finish your thought!" I want to do that more than he could ever know instead I play dumb. "Huh?" I ask and laughing from AJ is heard.
"Nick your such a dumbass sometimes!" J says as he grabs my Gameboy away from Brian.

"Just wanted you to know I was listening" Brian says after the laughter at my expense dies down.

I want to cry, but tear myself from that feeling suddenly realizing that maybe it wouldn't go unnoticed after all.

I smile and continue to look for a place to eat feeling much more full than I had a few minutes ago...

~ Kevin ~

Next rest stop 10 miles away according to the sign we pass and I begin to worry that I will not be able to wait that long. I need to go to the bathroom now. there was a time that I could go for hours without ever having to empty my bladder but the older you get, the harder it is to get the plumbing to work. I start to fidget nervously in my seat.

I notice that the car has once again quieted down and Nick has given up trying to find a decent radio station for us to listen to. I begin to fiddle with the dial myself. Anything to get my mind off having to pee.

It seems that we have hit a patch of road where the only noise coming from the radio is static. The irony makes me laugh. If anything described our sorry state these days it was the word static.

Things were unclear. That is literally what the higher ups from Jive said to us when we had our meeting. "Boys right now your future is unclear to us and we were hoping you could enlighten us as to the status of your group right now." I remember hearing those words and sensing the end. I had looked at my four bandmates at that instant and saw my feelings mirrored on their faces.

They were looking for answers. So were we.

The truth is we had no idea ourselves what our 'status' was. All we knew was we didn't like being in the same room together. Not anymore...

"Kev, do you want me to drive for a little bit?" I heard my cousin ask. I was tempted to say yes but decided not too. Why stop the car unless it's to relieve myself.
"No, that's okay, we'll be stopping soon enough. I can manage." I then make a point of looking at him through my mirror and smile. He's a good guy. They all are.

Maybe Jive did the right thing sending us away. No wives, fiances or miscellaneous influences. When they were telling us about the trip and that it would be just the five of us, Brian was adamant about not going unless Leigh could come too. This made some of the guys mad, but not me. I understood completely.

Leighanne, just like Kristin and Sarah had become our new found loves. A love that was true, honest and very clear. Unlike the static that the five of us produced, only a clear connection to our souls could be found by our significant others. A love that Howie and Nick just couldn't bring themselves to understand.

Jive refused to let them come. So we are now forced with finding clarity in our strange relationship alone.

The first argument about this broke out right in front of the big wigs at Jive. Brian and Nick were almost to the point of fisticuffs. I was embarrassed. The executives looked at us with an expression of sheer pity. Brian went one way and Nick went the other. The remaining three of us not sure what to do just stood there in silence staring down at the floor.

I hadn't realized until that moment how out of control we had let things become...

Suddenly the static gives way to a faint song. I recognize it but it comes and goes so I am about to turn it off when Nick's hand grabs mine.
"No leave it alone" he says. "It will come in clearer in a minute. Just give it a chance." I smile at him wondering if he realizes how many layers there are to that statement. Probably not.

I had mixed feelings about this trip from the time we had heard about it right up until packing to leave. Kristin said that she thought it was a great idea. It would be just what we need to happen. Clear out the cobwebs and find the problems. That is what scared me. Problems aren't meant to be found. I tried my best to share her optimistic attitude but it has been hard...

The song comes in once again and much clearer this time. It has changed since the last bout of clarity and I can't help but to hum along with it.

I start very quietly to hum along with the song as it sends me back to my childhood. Thoughts of fourth grade, recess, first kisses and no stress. the time of my life.

I feel my body start to move with the repetitive beat of the song and my youngest band mate joins in with the humming. I look over to see him shaking his head back and forth as he hums and mouths a recognizable word hear or there. Was he even able to have the same kinds of memories about this song as I have? He would have only been a toddler.

Music is timeless.

As we hit the chorus suddenly five voices can be heard in unison singing

I love rock-and-roll
put another dime in the juke box baby
I love rock-and-roll
come and take the time and dance with me

Then a high growl happens from the back and we all start dancing and laughing like crazy. The song ends but we are momentarily having such a good time we hardly notice.

"God I love that song" Howie says from the back. It reminds me of my brother. He used to wear leather jackets and pretend he was a Blackheart."
"Okay that's gotta be the friggin funniest thing I've ever heard" AJ says in response and we all start to laugh again.

The next song brings about a sudden mood change in the car as "Drowning" begins to play. We all fall silent. then out of nowhere once again the sound of our harmony is replaced by the growing murmur of static until that is all that can be heard.

Before I switch of the radio I think of the irony of it all....

~ AJ ~

Finally land!!! I think as we jump out of the car and head in all different directions. Kevin and Nick go south to the bathroom, Brian goes north to the phones and Howie heads east for the snack machines. I on the other hand, head west to the picnic tables to sit down and finally light up the cigarette that I so desperately needed. Kevin forbid us to smoke in his car. That rule has been in effect as long as I can remember. Even though Kevin is also known to smoke on occasion, he will wait until he is far enough from his car before lighting up.

Smoking seems to have become a vice that pop stars like moi go to. It's better than drugs (I guess) and seems more socially cool. Nick almost smokes as much as me now. He used to nag me about quitting but now he looks up to me as if it was the greatest thing that I had ever introduced him to. I'm such a bad influence.

I take in a deep breath inhaling the natural smells around me. The smell of freshly cut grass looms in the air. That has always been one of my favorite scents. It almost seems a shame for me to change the fragrance but my addiction calls so I flick my lighter and puff.

As I exhale a feeling of calm overwhelms me. This is what I needed. Not the trip, the cigarette. I tap my fingers on the splintered wooden table and wonder when my friends were going to come back. I feel self conscious being alone and a fear of being recognized takes over.

It seems secluded enough here. The rest stop is just that. Not one of those big places where there is a lot of noise and people. Just a small area filled with picnic tables, phones and a line of vending machines. There are only three other cars here besides our own and those people seem to be oblivious to who is around them.

I inhale some more nicotine and see D walking towards me carrying a candy bar and a Coke. Those things seem odd in his hands. Seeing Nick with that stuff would seem more natural but hey, we are stuck in some kind of twilight zone.

Howie swings his legs over the bench and takes a seat right next to me. Down wind from my smoke. He offers me a bit of his chocolate bar but I politely refuse.
"Are you going to get something to eat? You should because who knows when we will find another place to stop." I look over at him as he takes a sip of his soda.
"Oh come on D you know there will be lot's of places along this stupid highway. I want substance not crap,"
"okay suit yourself but no whining when we get back in the car."

Whining? Did he confuse me with Carter or something? I never whine. That has been my problem over the years. In times when I should have moaned and groaned about things I had kept quiet. That is what led to me going off the deep end a few years ago.

We sit together without saying anything. That used to be a mark of a solid friendship but now it is more because there just isn't much to say.

"Do you think we'll be there soon? I want to ask Kevin but I'm afraid he will scream at me."
I am amazed at how Kevin had the ability to be so intimidating to Howie considering they are only one year apart.
"How the hell am I supposed to know. He said it would be awhile so my guess is it's gonna fuckin take forever!" I take another deep breath letting the smoke play in my mouth before releasing it into the air.

"Are you gonna call Sarah?" He asks me and I'm embarrassed that I hadn't done that first. Instead of choosing my love, I went for my vice. "Yeah, I'll get around to that soon."

"I feel like a kid being forced into a play date don't you?" He asks me as he continues to nurse his beverage. I laugh. "Yup kind of " I say as I continue to tap on the table.
"They really aren't happy with us these days" he then laughed and added "but then again who is right?"

Now that was true. None of us could seem to do right in anyone's eyes anymore, especially our record company. Except for Nick. He seemed perfect. Even our most loyal fans had turned their backs on us in the last few months. They were tired of all the bullshit. who could blame them, so was I.

"Well, only time will tell D, maybe all will be right with the world after our trip. Stranger things have happened right?" He nods and throws away the rest of his food.
"I'm running to the bathroom" he says getting up to leave.

I stomp on the butt of my cigarette and look over to the phones. There are only three in a line, one of which is being used by Brian the other two are vacant. I think about going over to call my fiance but instead decide to wait until there was some kind of news to report.

I take out another cigarette and begin the calming process once again. I inhale, hold my breath and exhale the whole time wondering if everything will work out....

~ Brian ~

I never was one to use public phones. The thought of having my mouth where someone else had just had there's never really sat well with me. It's the same reason that I prefer not to use public restrooms unless I absolutely had to. My Mom always wondered how I was going to make it on the road with as many little phobias as I had. She worried that I was getting in way over my head. She was right.

From the first moment I had been christened a Backstreet Boy until now, being away from home was the hardest thing for me to deal with. I was able to take the relentless hours of practicing and recording, but when it came time for me to pack I would cry like a baby.

When I had received that phone call from Kevin all those years ago, I had secretly wished my mother would forbid me to go to Florida. Then I could have lived my life out in the hot Kentucky sun always wondering what could have been but not ever having to blame myself for the choice. Mom and Dad though were supportive. Just like always.

I left home at eighteen years old and have felt misplaced ever since. A nomad. That's what I felt like. Never having a place to truly call home. I had many houses but none of them were homes. They were all full of unpacked boxes and clothes lying on the floor. Refrigerators empty except for a few scattered water bottles and boxes of Mac and Cheese that would never be touched. that's how I lived my life.

Before Leighanne...

Leigh became my home. It didn't matter where we were. In my tour bus surrounded by lot's of noise or in a small hotel room listening to AJ's trysts through paper thin walls. We had each other and that's all that counted...

I gripped the receiver of the pay phone trying to drink in all of Leigh's words. Telling me everything would be okay and it will all work out in the end. It became the same repetitive loop when our conversation went to the band. I held the phone as close to my ear as possible closing my eyes trying to make out every slight gesture she would give to her words. Just listening to her breathe made me feel better.

They took our cell phones away for this trip. I felt like I was twelve. It made me extremely angry that they felt they had the power to do that. What is sickening is that they did. No outside influences. That was the deal, so we surrendered our cell phones and two ways. It was most painful to me and to Howie. We both lived for those things. When I handed my phone over, I felt as though I was forced to give up a piece of myself.

We've all given up ourselves. Sold our souls for fame.

I turn my attention back to Leigh as she tells me she loves me. I echo those same words back to her and for just a moment, time stands still and the feeling of warmth overwhelms me. Then we say good-bye.

I hang up the phone and am brought back to my surroundings. I look around for the guys and see AJ and Kevin sitting off to the side at a picnic table. They seem to be engaged in small talk as they both smoke.

Howie is walking over by the rest rooms stretching and yawning the whole way. I think about going in there myself but decide against it. The phone held enough germs for the time being.

Nick is sitting by himself on the other side of the rest stop. He looks lost. The same look he had when he paid me an unexpected visit this past spring. When it all started to go wrong..

I remember the ringing of the doorbell and the surprise on my wife's face as she told me who was there. He came to make peace. I wanted war. He came and sat down in my living room the whole time fidgeting nervously before finally speaking.

"I just came to see if it was true, but seeing how you are acting; now I know it was." At the time I had no idea what he meant. "You told the guys you want me out of the band. Didn't you? I heard about it from a reporter but I didn't believe him. I should've though right?"

I was angry.

"Believe what you want Nick." That's all I said. We stood and looked at each other for a long time before he started heading for the door.
"I love you Brian, like a brother, I always will. No matter what happens." He didn't turn around to face me but instead just continued to walk out the door. He walked to his car while wiping away tears. He sat in my driveway in his car forever. He sat there with such a lost expression on his face and all I could do was stand at the window and watch. Leigh had come to stand beside me. Rubbing my back she said, "Aren't you going to go talk to him honey?" I wanted to, but I didn't..

Now he sits with the same look of sadness on his face and I start to take a few steps in his direction. I am stopped by a trio of young girls who run past me right to where Nick is sitting. He stands up to hug them and signs some autographs before taking a picture. As they leave I walk a few more steps his way and then stop.

I turn and head back towards the car as I say "Hey guys let's get this show moving. The quicker we get there, the quicker we get back" I look over at Nick as he bows his head down toward the table before slowly getting up and making his way towards us.

I yearn for home as he passes by me without so much as a glance. Another missed opportunity. I wanted to, but I didn't...

~ Howie ~


"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend." That by far is my favorite quote. I know nothing about the man who originally said it, I think his name was Albert Camus, but I live by those words he said. So simple yet so vitally important. I look at my band mates loading back into the minivan like pouting children who's playtime was cut short by a dinner bell, and I think we have spent too much of our time walking in a straight line one behind the other.

Positions in the car have shifted a bit. Brian is now driving for Kevin who took the passenger seat from Nick. AJ makes sure that he shifts over so he no longer has to bear being the monkey in the middle. Leaving Nick and I to battle it out. There will be no more fighting in this car if I have my way, so I just automatically move into the middle. Nick just nods and says "Thanks D"

We all shift restlessly in the car. Already restless. The mood of the car has also seemed to shift from tense to uncomfortable. The stop should have done us all good but instead it has worked against us. You could see it on everyone's faces. No one wanted to be here. It felt like a lost cause.

There are no lost causes in my world though. I refuse to think that there is no resolution to our plights. I will not give up. This group means too much to me. These people mean too much to me. I try my best to think of a tension breaker but yet none comes to mind.

I look over at AJ who is staring out the window and decide to playfully bump him until he looks my way. After a few minutes of swaying into him I finally get a response.
"Dammit D, your making me seasick, quit moving around so much," this makes me do it again. He looks over at me and laughs. He then mouths the word "What?" wondering if I am trying to tell him something. I just shrug and smile back.
"You can be really strange sometimes Howie do you know that?" I don't answer him.

Nick does. "He can be strange sometimes? that's calling the kettle black!" he says under his breath. "Do you even know what that means dumbass?" J asks and I look down at my feet and smile. I know what his answer is going to be. Sure enough he says it, "Um...well...no, but that's besides the point."

The car fills with laughter and I secretly pat myself on the back.

"Actually Nick, it's that's like a pot calling a kettle black." Kevin makes sure to correct.
"Whatever, he got the idea!" This causes some more laughing.

I find a golden opportunity for more stress relief, unfortunately it's at the hands of our youngest bandmate. I think twice before saying it but decide that it's for the sake of the band and Nick can take some friendly ribbing.

"Jeez Nick you've never been very good with sayings, remember the time he said we'll cross that bridge when we burn it?" I laugh when I see Nick's dejected face. The act of someone who is grateful for the attention.
"Oh God and when he said let's kill two birds with another bird?" Kevin interjected
"Hey, stop making fun of me" Nick says playfully.
"Oh what's the matter Nick you can't have your cake and eat tofu!" AJ's statement got us all screaming with laughter.
"That's what I thought I was supposed to say! tofu, eat it too, it all sounds the same!" The last thing that Nick said made me laugh so hard my eyes started to tear.

I found myself laughing uncontrollably. It was a beautiful release of tension. I started to snort. This broke AJ and even Brian who had been silent until now into fits of their own. We stay that way for about thirty minutes. Nothing being said but a few snickers and an occasional guffaw. It was a great sound.

The laughter dies down but so does the tension. That's all I was hoping for...

Silently Nick's large frame leans into mine and he whispers in my ear, "Good thinking Howie" He then lovingly puts his head on my shoulder before quickly moving back to his original stare out the window.

The youngest is not as dim witted as everyone thinks..

The mood of the care has turned from uncomfortable to almost pleasing. My job is done.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend."

We manage to pull from our straight line and walk side by side. If only for a moment...

~ Nick ~

I am saddened by all of the things I have missed just because I never bothered to look.

I was too young when this group started and always took everything for granted. Every shriek of the gathering crowds, every picture taken from press, every interview, every award. I had taken it all for granted. Above everything else though, it was the other members of my group that I never fully appreciated.

They are each so important to me in so many ways.
Kevin's advice
Howie's patience
Brian's company
AJ's humor
All things that I had learned to take for granted over the years.

I see things differently now. When I look at something I really look. Afraid to miss anything. Photography of the mind I like to call it. I pay careful attention to every detail of every conversation so I can visually bring it back in my mind at the saddest of moments. The funny thing is, people seem to think I don't pay attention at all.

They're wrong.

When Howie started to pick on me I instantly knew why. He wanted to fix things. He always fixes things. It worked. Everyone seemed to be happy. I closed my eyes to take it all in. The smell of happiness, the sound of laughter, the looks on the faces of men who only seconds earlier where pouting and dejected. The sound of family. My family.

I look over at Howie who is engaged in quiet conversation with AJ and suddenly feel the need to start a conversation of my own.

"So, Brian, how's things?" I bend closer to the driver's seat where he is sitting and wrap my arms around the head rest. He turns around surprised by my question.
He has a look on his face as if my simplistic question is a little too vague for him to answer. I suddenly regret asking.

"Things are going well..and you?" I look at him to be met with a friendly wink. I smile.

"Everything is good." He nods satisfied with the answer. He turns back around, focused once again on driving. Not exactly the type of conversation we were used to having but it was a start.

I really do miss Brian's company. I miss the endless hours we could spend on the couch playing video games or talking. Time was never important. We never had a watch between the two of us. Hours of laughing, singing, and growing. All in Brian's company...

I pull out of my thoughts to hear the sound of laughter coming from my right. AJ is amusing the car with strange animal noises. I try to keep a straight face but I can't. I laugh along with everyone else. AJ's humor always has kept me laughing. Nights spent with just him and no one else in lonely hotel rooms in the middle of foreign countries. Two young kids with nowhere to go. I would cry and AJ would make me laugh. I decide to share one of my thoughts out loud.

"Hey, AJ do you remember the time we were in Germany and you sent the hotel staff all over the place looking for three juggling pins?" He looks over at me with the biggest smile across his face.

"Yeah, I remember that. They actually brought me four!" Kevin's curiosity is peaked.

"What are you talking about?" He asks.

AJ responds, "It's nothing, just a private joke between me and Nick." The gleam in his eyes is a quiet thank you to me. An acknowledgment of a time that I desperately needed to laugh. He saved me with silliness that night. I close my eyes and let the mental images take over...

"Aw, Nick tell me how I can help?"

"You can't help AJ, I want to go home. I miss them all so much."

"What can I do to get your mind off of things?"

"Can you juggle?"

"Pardon me?"

"I said can you juggle? That would be the only thing to take my mind off of things." So he tracked down some hotel staff and found some real pins to juggle. For me..

"Well, if it's a private joke, why bother bringing it up Nick?" I look over and shrug at Howie. "D, Thanks for always being there!" I say out of the blue. He seems surprised. I turn my head to gaze out the window. I feel Howie's arm tenderly grip my right shoulder and I turn my head his way.

"Wow, thanks Nicky" He says.

"What's gotten into you Nick?" Kevin asks. I laugh.

"You! all of you" They don't get it. I do. That's all that matters.

"Okay?" Kevin says slowly to prove the point that he thinks I'm a bit odd.

"While I'm at it, thanks for all the great advice you have given me over the years. I really appreciate it!"

The car is silent. Kevin actually turns around to look at me when he realizes that I am talking to him. He seems baffled. They all do.

I sit back and close my eyes. Drinking it all in, afraid that if I look away I will miss something.....

~ Kevin ~

I find myself looking back at Nick who after complimenting everyone in the car, sinks back inside himself and becomes very quiet. I hope he is all right I think to myself but decide to just take the unexpected compliment at face value. I turn around to face my cousin and smile at the intense look of concentration coming from his face. His mind is only on one thing. Getting us to our destination. The mature, grown up, married Brian is a very focused one. Nothing like the Brian we were all used to back in the early days. This is a good thing.

Sometimes...

Even I miss the old Brian sometimes. The one who would put shaving cream in AJ's toothpaste and sit back and watch everyone blame Nick.

The quiet trouble maker, that's what I called him back then. He had such an innocent look on his face at all times that the finger's of blame rarely pointed to him. That Brian is all but gone, that saddens me. In his place is the new, introspective Brian. He seldom laughs anymore. I never realized it until Howie brought it up one day. We make him miserable.

I sigh and focus on the road. What if this is a lost cause? Kristin told me to be as positive as possible. I've never really been good at being the positive one. I see things half empty. That's something I have to work on.

"What do you guys feel like having for dinner?" I ask the other men in the car. My stomach is growling a little bit but I ask more to break up the silence.

"We just stopped a little over an hour ago Kev, you don't want to stop already do you?" Brian asks me annoyance slightly tinging his words. I can tell he doesn't plan on stopping until we reach our destination. To Brian this trip is just a big waste of his time.

"No, relax man I was just asking a question that's all." He nods and says "good" under his breath.

I miss the old Brian. He would have made a joke about my bladder or Nick's appetite by now.

"Well, I for one am a little starved." Nick says from the back. I turn his way happy to see that he has come back from his far away thoughts to join us once again.

"Why didn't you eat when we stopped earlier?" Brian asks now the annoyance that was just threatening to show it's face erupting all over his words. Nick visibly tenses up and closes his eyes trying to shut us all out again.

"I didn't think about it then. I wasn't hungry." He says behind closed eyes. The tension that had been absent from the car after our laughing fit is now back full throttle.

"Well, you're gonna have to deal with it, I'm not stopping this car right now." Nick doesn't say anything. The entire car silent. I sense what is going to happen next. The normal routine. On cue it starts to unfold...

"God Brian, just relax, he didn't tell you to stop the car now, he was just saying he was hungry. Lay off the kid. He was just answering the question that YOU asked!" Howie coming to Nick's rescue again.

"Well, I didn't ask him or you anything! I was asking Kevin." I look at the fighting pair and realize I don't know how to help. AJ is sitting behind me staring out the window and I know he doesn't know how to help either.

"I didn't mean to start anything guys, just forget I even said anything." Nick says apologetically. It always ends with Nick saying he's sorry. I look over at him and give him a little smile. I than glance over at Howie to see he is just about to start up again. He doesn't.

My attention goes back to what transpired in the car a few minutes earlier. I decide to continue where Nick left off...

"Brian, You know what I like about you best?" He doesn't respond. I think he didn't hear me but than I realize he was just caught off guard. he looks over at me and by the look in his eyes I can tell that he thinks I am going to insult him. The old Brian would never suspect that.

"What? Tell me what you like about me best?" He says almost sarcastically. I think about changing what I was going to say to fit what he is expecting. I don't. Instead I go on with my original idea.

"I like how you could always act so innocent and unsuspecting while quietly being the funniest guy in the room. I like how you could pull the nastiest pranks known to man and yet be such a warm person that no one ever suspected you."

He laughs and looks over at me. "So, what are you trying to say?" He asks with his eyebrows slightly raised. The old Brian shinning through his eyes.

"I'm just saying that the next time I find super glue in my socks, I'll know who to blame."

"What? I told you when that happened a long time ago, that it wasn't me!" He says innocently.

"I saw you do it!" I confess. They all start to laugh.

"Hey! You yelled at me for like an hour because of that! I got the biggest lecture of my life and you knew? That is sooo wrong man!" Nick says form the back. I look over at him and smile.

"You know what I like best about you junior?" I decide to call him our playful affectionate name for him. I hadn't called him that in years. I could tell that he missed it when my question was met with excited response.

"What?" He says anticipating the answer. he looks so young at that moment. Still a child in so many ways.

"I like the fact that no matter what HE did" I say pointing at Brian, "You would take the blame. That's the mark of a good friend." I make sure I pause because I don't want my last statement to be lost in the moment. I see him stare at me so I continue..

"You guys make a great team." Both men laugh. I sit back and feel like I have done something positive. My glass becomes half full....

~ AJ ~

I shift uncomfortably in my seat wondering when Kevin is going to say something cheesy to me. Luckily I am spared. I'm glad we are complimenting each other instead of insulting each other, but still it feels odd. We had to do things like that in my therapy sessions in rehab. We would sit in this huge circle and tell each other why we were worthwhile. Some people would go on and on...

"You are a great person because you smile when I make a joke"

"Oh, well you're a great person because you said I am a great person because I smile when you make a joke" Blah blah friggedy blah blah blah

All the while I would sit there gradually sinking down in my chair thinking they don't know me at all. Those people who I went through treatment with were really nice but once we left that place, we never spoke again. Those people didn't know me.

These people do.

I admit, I was never one to hand out unnecessary compliments. I am much better at handing out silly insults. I am just about to make a joke at Nick's expense. Why not he is the easiest one to pick on, when Kevin turns to me with that loving look in his eyes. Oh no here it comes, AJ I like you because...

"AJ?"

"Yes?"

"Can you pass me a soda?" Not exactly what I was expecting. I look at him a little confused. I'm a little disappointed.

"Soda, you know what that is right?"

"What?"

"S O D A, or pop or cola! However you decide to pronounce it, pass one my way please!" I open the cooler and take out a Coke for Kevin. I hand it to him and he smiles at me.

"Thanks" He says and turns back around. I can't help but feel slighted. They complimented everyone in the car but me. True, Nick did mention the juggling thing but that wasn't exactly a compliment. I wonder why they don't feel like I deserve something nice to be said about me?

I look past my thoughts and realize that all eyes are on me except for Brian's. They have grins on their faces.

"AJ?" Kevin says again.

"Yes?"

"You wanted me to say something nice about you didn't you?" He laughs when I start to stutter.

"Aw, AJ that's so precious!" Nick says as he reaches over and pinches my cheek.

"No! I don't care if you say anything nice about me or not!" I insist.

"And if you pinch my cheeks again I will break your fingers!" I say playfully to Nick.

"Come on J admit it, you were totally expecting me to give you a compliment" Kevin says to me wiggling his bushy brows my way.

"I was not" Now I find myself laughing.

"J?"

"Oh all right! I was expecting you to say something cheesy ass to me but you didn't big whoop dee doo" I say laughing.

"Oh AJ repeat after me your good enough, your strong enough and gosh darnit, people like you"

"That's enough Carter, I mean it don't make me come over there!" I look over at him and he sticks his tongue out at me.

"Oh very mature" I say sticking my tongue out at him.

"AJ, I'll say something nice about you if you want" D says and his demeanor is serious. I send a smile his way.

"I'll say that we are all extremely proud of you! It's not easy to do what you did and you overcame everything. Good going Alex!"

They all clap and say good job.

"Hey, I already knew you were proud of me!" I say when it dawns on me that maybe that was the whole point.

The car quiets down for a few minutes. They do know me better than myself sometimes. I am amazed by that. I shouldn't be but I am!

"AJ?" I look over at Nick and smile

"Yeah kid what is it?"

"I like something about you too"

"And what would that be?"

"I like how you are dealing with going bald. I know that must be hard for you!" He cracks up at his own joke in such a high pitched squeal that I can't help but join in.

"Carter I swear I am going to beat you!"

When the laughing is over and done with I slip back in to my thoughts of rehab. Sitting in a circle pretending that everything would be all right. There were twenty people there with me. How many have stayed sober? How many are back there for a second time, a third? How many of them are dead?

"I am lucky to have you all as my friends" I say to my bandmates. They all look at me and nod.

"Well, same to you buddy" Kevin says as he winks at me.

"Except for you Carter!" I say pointing at him.

"I'm sorry J, I didn't really mean it" He says and the look in his eyes tells me that he thinks I was serious. So I continue, pointing to my head...

"Not until you say your sorry to what's left of my hair!" He smiles. I feel better.

"Okay... sorry hair I won't let it happen again."

"That's better!" I wink at him. He turns to look out the window. Back into his little world. I wonder what color the sky is in there.

These guys, I have been through so much with them. They know me so well. I sit back, pull my baseball cap over my eyes and realize...

I like that!

~ Brian ~

When are we going to be there? We have been riding for so long and I still feel like we have gotten nowhere. The roads all look similar and it's hard to tell if we are going in the right direction. No one else seems to care though. they seem to be enjoying the thought of NEVER reaching our destination. I just want to get there and get back to my wife, my family, my life. Things in this car seem so trivial, so small compared to the life I lead now. This is a business trip for me. Nothing more. I'm not sure when it happened but it did. For every silly joke or memory, I feel myself getting more eager to move on...

"Brian, you have been so quiet. Say something!" AJ demands of me. I would love to but that would detract from the reason we are here in the first place. I just nod my head.

"There isn't much to say"

"Oh Rok, I'm sure you can think of something! come on, you have barely said two words since this trip started."

"What do you want me to say AJ?" I am disappointed by the level of sarcasm I hear in my voice.

"I don't know man, just say something" He answers, sounding defensive.

"Okay than, I'm mad that we have been driving around for hours and are still not even close to this stupid place we are going!"

"Relax Brian, I'm sure we are almost there! But until we get there, just try and relax. Think of this as a vacation." Kevin grips my shoulder as he talks to me and for some reason it only raises my level of agitation.

"This is NO vacation people! This is work. Make no mistake about that!"

Silence.

"Brian, when did this start to be just a job to you?" Nick asked so hesitantly and quietly he sounded like the thirteen year old I met such a long time ago.

I wasn't sure how to answer his question. I really don't know when I started to find this anything but fun. Maybe the endless hours of practice. Maybe the endless magazine covers portraying us as pretty boys, maybe the endless lying and backstabbing that come with this business. Maybe having to spend my whole life with the same four people. Who knows. It wasn't fun anymore. Not in the least....

"I don't know Nick, things change." I felt him staring at me but I refused to look and see.

"Why? Why did they change? Are we so hard to be around that we make you miserable?"

"Oh don't start that Nick, not now. It's not the right time."

"It never is" He said barely a whisper.

I try to block them out at that point. If I could've closed my eyes I would have. I just stared at the open road hoping to find the exit we were looking for. No one spoke. I kind of liked it that way. I felt all eyes on me though. Stinging through the back of my chair and hitting my heart. I can't help the way I feel. I wish it were different for me. It's not...

"Maybe we should talk about this now, I mean why wait until we get there. I know we're all thinking about it so why not start now?" I decide to start our meeting early. What's the sense of putting it off?

"Okay, that's fine Brian. Why don't you go first? I have a feeling you already know what you want to say!" Howie hissed those words at me and I wanted to take back all the things I had just said.

"Let's wait"

"No, obviously you have things on your mind so go ahead. Get them out. We're listening." Kevin said sounding as angry as Howie.

"Okay..fine. Well, I just don't think we should do this anymore. We have been through so much together. Why bother continuing. I just think this has taken us as far as we could go. That's how I feel anyway."

Silence.

"Does anyone else feel this way?" Howie asked sounding almost afraid of the possible answer.

"Sometimes" I looked over at Kevin and felt a little relief that I wasn't the only one. Relief but also a sadness.

"Sometimes I feel like Brian. That we have done all we can do as the BSB. We have been together so long, it's been such a terrific ride. Maybe it's time to end it. Maybe"

Silence.

"What about the two of you?" He asked AJ and Nick. I still refused to make eye contact with anything but the road.

"I want to keep going" AJ said with a definite and sure tone to his voice. "I mean don't get me wrong, sometimes I just want this all to go away, but I am a Backstreet Boy. I don't know how to be anything else."

Silence.

"Brian?" Great another question from Nick.

"Yup?"

"Would you be happier in this group if I were to leave?" Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kevin look at Nick and then glare at me.

"Nick that wouldn't be the answer. I'm sure Brian doesn't want you to leave the group to make HIS life easier." How does Kevin know what would make my life easier?..

"Nick, do you want to leave the group? If you do please don't use me as an excuse," I sounded so insensitive. There was a time not too long ago, when a statement like that from Nick would have made me pull him into an embrace. What happened to us? I didn't have to ask it because he did.

"What happened to us?"

Silence.

"No, Brian I don't want to leave this group. See unlike you, I see this as my family. This isn't work. Being at home with my family is work. Being on the road solo is work. You guys aren't work. You are the ones I go to when I need to be lifted up."

"Why go solo then?" This time I did look at him. When he didn't answer I shifted my gaze back to the road.

"What about you Howie?" Kevin asked. I don't know why he bothered. We all knew what his answer was going to be.

"I want us to stay together. I have worked to hard to let you piss this group away." I laughed despite the situation. It was so rare for Howie to say anything remotely vulgar. Hearing him use the word piss just cracked me up. He looked up angry but luckily I wasn't the only one laughing. Nick had cracked up too.

"What is so funny?" He directed the question at Nick but I answered it anyway.

"Because you said piss!" Nick and I said at the EXACT same time. Using the exact same inflections in our voices. We laughed again this time having Kevin and AJ join in.

"Well, I'm glad you find my desperation so funny jerks!" I didn't have to turn around to know that he was smiling.

"Aw, poor Howie" AJ said in his mocking gay guy voice, " Let me kiss and make it better!"

"Shut up J you are gross!"

More laughter.

"So what now?" Kevin asked after the laughter finally died down.

No one answered the question because I think the answer vexed us.

"It's just not fun for me anymore. I don't know why but I feel trapped sometimes. Like if I don't get out soon, I never will." I said with a calmer demeanor.

"Would that be so bad?" D asked.

"I don't know" I confessed. It's true I don't know anymore. I didn't enjoy this but I still enjoyed them. All of them. We are connected.

"We are connected Brian" Nick said stretching over and putting his hand on my shoulder.

"I know" I said just looking forward. Then I saw it. The exit we are supposed to turn off of.

"There it is.... Finally!" I say as I turn down the road.

"Well, it shouldn't be too much longer now," Howie said as he slouched back down in his chair.

That made me sad.

~ Howie ~

I listened to the words that came out of Brian's mouth refusing to hear what he was saying. It became harder to deny when Kevin echoed those same words only minutes later. Could it be possible that we will end this group. This entity that has become our lives for the last ten years? It's true, everything they said. Sometimes it gets to be too much. Sometimes show business makes me nauseous. Sometimes I want to just go home and be a normal person. Sometimes I hate my bandmates. But the most important word in all of those statements is "SOMETIMES"....

"Howie, are you all right?" I look over at the author of that question and stare in silence wondering how he could even ask considering what the topic of conversation was only minutes ago. AJ continued on though,

"You look deep in thought or something. You know we were just pulling your leg right?"

"About what?"

"What do you mean about what? About saying the word piss!"

I think I knew that but I was still hoping that he was talking about this entire trip. Wouldn't it be the best if this whole journey wound up being the biggest most elaborate joke Nick and Brian have ever played on us. They would have had to set it up just right. Refusing to talk to each other in my presence. Culminating in a huge GOTCHA D!!! when we finally did arrive at our destination.

That's a fairy tale.

"Hey Brian? Why don't we stop and get something to eat?" I ask deciding that we were going to know our destiny before we hit that stupid cabin, even if I had to throw a fit and make him stop the car.

"Are you serious Howie? We are gonna be there really soon. Can't you wait?"

"No! I think we should eat NOW!" I didn't mean to raise my voice to the level I did but it sure did get the attention I was hoping for.

"Okay gee, relax man we will stop in a second," I saw all the gazes fixed on me and just winked and smiled.

"Thanks" I said almost too calmly. They all looked at each other and cracked up.

It chilled me to the bone the thought of hanging up all that we were. Not even so much that we could possibly quit, but how we were going out. We had such a tight bond. It seemed so silly. How we could go from where we were to where we are now. So silly to let the critics, and music industry win. We had so many people against us, right from the start. People saying they won't survive. They are plastic and manufactured. Fellow artists praising us to our faces yet mocking us when are backs were turned. Do we want them to win?..

"Okay D where the hell do you want to eat?" Brain asked me with that all too familiar condescending tone I had grown to hate. It's funny because He blames Nick for all of this but I blame him. I always have from the beginning. I guess that's just man's nature to have to blame someone.

"I really don't care Brian. I don't even care if there is food involved. I just need out of this car!"

"Well, if that's the case Howie, can't you wait for a little."

"No, Kevin I think D has a good idea, let's get out and take a breather. We've been on the road for such a long time now what's a little longer?" Nice going AJ always seeing things my way. The two of us have always had a special connection. That has diminished over this past year as well. Not as noticeable as Nick and Brian but still slowly melting away like this entire group.

Brian stops the car at a little rest stop. There is one picnic table and that is all. It almost seems tailor made for us. The minute the car stops, I shoo Nick out so I can get some fresh air. I begin to worry when I see that the two front seat passengers are just sitting there in the car; waiting. Nick and AJ make there way over and look at the view and I take a seat at the picnic table. It is early evening now and the sun is slowly starting to set turning the sky a shade of light pink. Stars peeking through but not quite ready to start their shift.

AJ takes a seat next to me never taking his eyes off of the view.

"This is a beautiful sunset" I nod in agreement.

"I guess if we are going to end it might as well be in a nice place like this" I say and am shocked to hear my voice breaking up as a tear escapes my right eye. I catch it before it can fall. AJ looks over at me and reaches behind me and pats me gently on the back. We are shortly joined by Nick who sits on the table, legs crossed pretzel style. Half looking at us and half looking at the sunset.

"So what now?" He asks as if either of us know the answer.

"Are they just gonna sit in there until we come back to the car?" I shrug at the young one.

"Well, then let's not go back to the car!" AJ and I laugh at the simplicity of his plan.

"We can't sit here forever Nick." I say half heatedly.

"You know what this reminds me of guys?"

"What Nick?" AJ asks knowing there will be some silly joke or story attached to it.

"The waiting place, you know from Ooh the Places You'll Go. God I loved that book as a kid. My dad would read it to me every night. This sunset and those trees remind me of the picture for the waiting place." He stretches his legs out and rocks them back and forth

AJ and I look at each other and smile.

I look over at the car and see that the cousins are having their own heated discussion. I look back at what is left of the glorious sunset and see that the moon has appeared in a radiant glow of orange.

"Hey Howie, doesn't this in an eerie way remind you of when we first met?" I try to think back to the first time I ever laid eyes on Alex. I laughed.

"Yes, we were at a picnic table after a talent show. You came up and started talking to me like we were old friends. I remember thinking what does this little guy want? You were so young and eager! yes I remember it" Nick looks over and I can see he is trying to come up with a mental picture. I gently grab his leg and say

"We met you about two months later," he smiled.

"No matter what happens guys, we were the first three. I also just wanted to say that.." He tried to finish but couldn't. AJ was not one to get all sentimental. Even though Sarah did soften him up. There was still a hard side to him. There was no need for him to finish because we both understood exactly what he was trying to say.

"Hey look the street lamp has kicked on!" Nick says as we all look up over our heads. The sun has all but faded from view to be replaced by a row of stars. We hear the car door open and I am happy to see Brian and Kevin walking towards us hugging each other. I think to myself this could be it. The last time we call ourselves the BSB. Another tear escapes my eye but only this time I let it slide down my face. I owe this group at least that much....

~ Nick ~

Brian and Kevin approach us very slowly. I wonder what they were talking about. I wonder why they excluded us. They both come over and take a seat.

"Nick get off the table" Kevin says glaring at me. Father yelling at his son. I do what I am told. I sit next to Brian facing the car. We all sit there silent just waiting for someone to go first. I feel the need to look away.

So I do.

I turn my attention to the view and the lights glowing from houses in the distance. Do they realize that I am looking at them wondering if any one of those people, owners of the lights, are having as intense of a conversation as we are about to have? They are talking about school projects, homework, business trips. Normalcy...

I crave a normal life sometimes. I know within minutes of living it I would be bored to tears but I would like to see how it fits on me. Do kids really come home from a long day of school and find mothers anticipating their arrivals with hot cocoa in one hand and cookies in the other? do fathers really relax and read the newspaper before running out to their jobs?

"Nick turn around!" Howie whispers to me making sure no one hears. Mother helpfully reminding her son. I do what I am told. I turn myself around and see Brian's mouth moving. I really don't want to know what he is saying so I continue on with my thoughts...

End? if there was an end to this group, it would be the end of so much more for me. They don't understand. They couldn't possibly understand. I need them. It's not even a simple matter of wanting this to go on I need it to go on. The look on Howie's face tells me whatever is coming out of Brian's mouth is not good. I know my limitations. There is no way I can except it. So I don't. I look over at AJ as he shoots me a look. is it a dirty look or a comical one? Can't be sure. That would mean that I would have to focus on the conversation. I don't want to.

So I don't.

I start nervously shaking my legs. A habit that has always irked my band brothers. I can't help it's just something I need to do.

So I do it.

I feel a kick from under the table. I look over at AJ and he mouths "Stop it dumbass and say something" A friend wanting the other to speak first. I do what I am told.

"I almost died a few months ago" I return to my compulsive leg shaking.

I wonder how one develops nervous habits. When I was younger I used to eat crayons when I was nervous. I should have realized the first time I pooped purple that normalcy and Nick were to never me uttered in the same sentence.

"Excuse me, did you just say you almost died?" I look up from my shaking leg to see everyone staring at me. Brian still waiting for a response. I suddenly feel very uneasy that I let my mouth speak without first conferring with my brain. I feel AJ kick me. I must have goofed up again.

"Sorry" I say not really knowing why. They all continue to stare. I get up and walk towards the lookout point. I felt like jumping. maybe if I jump I could fly home, not to mine but to one of those. Those houses with the lights shining in a glow of anticipation. Maybe there is a teenage girl not yet home so dad sits and waits constantly looking at his watch. Maybe there is a boy about my age who is leaving home for the first time and stands on the porch telling his parents he will miss them. I want to float down to those people. Those lives.

I feel the warmth of another standing next to me. Just looking out into the night sky like me.

"Are you all right" Brian asks like a brother worried about his sibling.

"Come back over to the table and talk to us" He says. I do what I am told and make my way back to the table. I sit amongst my brothers, turned friends, turned coworkers, turned complete strangers and just for no reason start to cry. Just a tear here and there at first but soon enough they give way to sobs.

Kevin walks over to me and I feel the warmth of his touch as he rubs my back.
"Hey junior, hush everything will work out" Father consoling son.

"You're shivering are you cold? Do want your jacket I'll go get it?" Howie says as he runs to the car. Protective and loving as always.

"Tell us what happened we're listening" Says AJ my friend my confidant. I just pause not understanding my breakdown. Tears not subsiding.

I tell my tale about the drugs, the drinking, the overdose and the rehab. Strangers, turned coworkers, turned friends, turned brothers, never leaving my side. Kevin rubbing my back through the whole story. Howie trying to find anyway to make it easier on me. AJ nodding in total understanding and Brian. Being Brian.

My epic ends and once again we sit in total silence. I gulp back some tears and Howie hands me a tissue.

"You went through all of that by yourself?" Brian asks sounding unattached to his voice. I just nod.

"Nicky you know we love you. You should have told us what you were going through. We would have been there." Kevin says once again like a father talking to a son.

"We are a team Nick. One of us goes down we are all there to pick that person up." Brian says to me. I smile at him through my tear filled eyes. I see he believes his revelation.

Light bulbs go off. it's so obvious, staring us in the face. Brian looks at me again and laughs. Kevin tousles my hair, Howie hugs me and AJ just grins.

Now we know what needs to be done.

We sit there a little bit longer just staring at the night sky. Taking in it's beauty. Each one of us taking comfort in the knowledge that it could only get better from this point. I want this band to go on. I want it to happen.

So it will.

~ Epilogue ~

We had no idea what this trip would hold in store for us. We had only hoped it would turn out okay. We got lost along the way, took some rights instead of lefts. Refused to ask for help even when offered. Sometimes choosing the long and bumpy roads instead of the nicely paved ones. We never thought we would get here but we did...

"Kevin" I turn to my cousin.

"Yes, Brian" He just looks at me with that affable smile that he owns and I embrace him.

"I love you cousin"

"Yeah I love you too" AJ walks over.

"Aw, they are having a moment. Someone take a picture" We both grab him into the embrace. He pretends to struggle. We hold him in place.

Maps sometimes are helpful, if you know how to read them. I never bothered learning those things. I was more of a reach by feel kind of guy. That drives some people crazy but luckily we are all the same when it comes to stuff like that...

"I'm gonna go talk to him for a minute, I'll be right back" I tell Brian and AJ as I make my way over to Nicholas. He is sitting next to Howie still admiring the view.

I've never really been a big fan of getting lost either. I like to know where I am going and get there. Obviously that sometimes spells trouble. The other boys on this journey are better in the patience department...

"Hey junior. What are ya thinking about?" I ask Nick as I take a seat next to him, legs dangling off the ledge.

"Not sure, thinking about how we got here I guess. At least how I did"

Brian is the navigator of our little group. He tends to steer us in the right direction. Just before getting completely lost, his helpful way guides us back on the right path...

"Well, I know we got here together" I say as I place my arms around him and absorb some of his pain.

Howie is the sponge. If something spills or falls he will be right there to wipe it up. Always dependable, always listening..

"So D, how goes it?" I ask Howie while still holding Nick in my arms. He seems pensive.

"Happy" The only word that matters.

AJ is the climate control. He can gauge whether he needs to be as happy as a clam or as serious as a heart attack. The master chameleon. Taking on whatever emotion he needs to in order to be the best he can be...

"We should probably get going soon, it's pretty dark and I don't want to get lost." I say as I let go of Nick. He wipes away the rest of his tears and moves back to the car.

Nick is the wheel. Worn and sturdy but yet if ignored can easily blow up. He is one of the most important parts to us, without him, the rest of the us don't function. We just sit there motionless...

"Shotgun!" AJ yells as he steps into the passenger seat. I decide to take over driving duties once again.

Me, I am the seat belt. I watch them to make sure that they won't hurt themselves. Restrain them from doing stupid things and occasional get tangled up in my own emotions...

Five men driving in a car, deciding their fate as a group, as friends and brothers. Such an important trip...

"So. what now?" AJ asks when we finally get back on the road. No one says anything.

"Let's go home" Brian says.

"No cabin then?" I ask making sure that is the final decision before I turn the car around.

"No, There's no need." He says. the silence means that it is agreed upon. I turn the car around.

"So home it is" I say.

We will stay together a group of five brothers, through good times and bad. We needed to take the Long Road Home to figure it out I guess...

The End