The Sun goes down on another…



So here I am, on a huge rock. The sun is beating down on my face and my feet are of course turning a bright shade of red. I always get yelled at for my sunburned feet, as if I care about wearing all that stupid lotion stuff in the first place. I personally enjoy a good burn. It makes me feel like the sun is doing its job and that I am of course accomplishing mine…becoming a tanned God. I couldn’t help but smile at that last thought.



Nick Carter, the Adonis. Yup, that’s me to a tee!



“Jesus would you stop zoning out? Good Lord you’re worse than I am!” Oh right, I’m not alone. How could I forget?



I sat up and rubbed at my burnt feet. Okay maybe they hurt a lot…I’ll just stick them in the water to cool off, that’s all. No biggie! I stood up and made my way closer to the water. It was a glorious day today, not a cloud in the sky which was nice because the forecast had been calling for rain.



“Where are you going?”



“To put my feet in the water before they burn off and I’ll be forced to walk on my bloody, burnt stumps for all of eternity.” I’m a little prone to exaggeration from time to time.



AJ stood up and dropped his cigarette on the ground before mashing it onto the rock we were just sitting on. “I’ll come do the same.” I nodded at him and smiled as he plopped down beside me.



The water was pretty damn cold but it felt good on my feet and I immediately started to drag some slowly up my legs to adjust to the temperature before jumping in. This is why I loved to be in warm places in January. I could never do this up north! “So, are you ever going to teach me how to fish or what dude? I mean we’ve been here for about an hour already and you haven’t even gone for the poles.”



That’s why AJ was with me today, on my 27th birthday. He wanted to learn how to fish…well not really but I guess he felt bad because I had no plans, no real plans anyway. I blame Kevin for this of course. Ever since our first real fishing trip, every year we kind of made it a date on my birthday to hang out. Last year we took Howie with us, the year before even though it wasn’t fishing; it was a night out on the town and dinner with Kris. They treated me like I was their child, paying for everything and even having the wait staff sing Happy Birthday to me. It was corny but you know what? I loved it!



Not this year though, everything has kind of just changed this year. It all feels different somehow. I wish it didn’t but it does.



“You’re zoning out again Nickolas…is something wrong?”



I looked over at AJ as he lit up another cigarette and wrapped his arms around his legs as he puffed out smoke. “Nothing…I guess I’m just thinking, that’s all.”



“Well, that’s a scary thought right there.” He laughed but it wasn’t a real one. I could tell he was still trying to read me. He had lost his touch at doing that over the years. Lately I’ve noticed him trying to gain that back.



“I know man…so; you really want to learn how to fish? Because you don’t have too…”



“Of course I want to; I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”



“I made you come.”



He hissed out a small disgusted laugh, “Please, no one forces me to do anything.”



AJ’s had a pretty hard year. We both have, I’m sure as years go, we’d both like to forget about the existence of 2006 altogether. I mean, okay it hasn’t been a horrible year in terms of career. The show I did with my family actually went well. Of course I was mocked and the critics had a field day, nothing I do is taken seriously anymore, but it was so much more than that for me. It really, truly did help having the kids all around me, even for the brief time we were together. It was a good form of therapy in a way.



We lost touch again, like I knew we would but at least we did move ahead in the right direction.



The guys weren’t crazy about my choice to do this show, especially Brian who did everything but have an intervention to prevent me from doing it. At least AJ and Howie were supportive through the process, even though I’m sure after I would leave the studio they would all talk about what a horrible mistake I was making.



It really was times like that, I missed Kevin most. It makes me sound all kinds of gay saying something like that, but it’s the truth. Don’t get me wrong, he was very against the idea as well. In fact he flat out screamed at me on the phone when I told him that we signed the contract to start filming. By then he had already made up his mind not to be a Backstreet Boy anymore and he actually thought I might have made that choice purely out of spite. Silly Kevin…



But I was talking about AJ and his bad year. I always seem to get off track…yup it kind of sucked for him. First there was the whole Kaci thing. We all knew he was making a catastrophic mistake with that one, but you know after seeing him deal with his addiction… this seemed small in comparison. Just for the record though, I had nothing against Kaci to begin with. None of us really did, we just knew what the outcome would be… that’s all. Kind of like how they knew the way the whole Paris fiasco would turn out.



I’ve been kind of worried about AJ for a while now. I’m afraid he’s back to some of his old habits. Kevin told me there’s not much we can do about it though; it’s something that he has to want to control himself. It seemed so odd coming out of Kevin’s mouth, the one who broke the door down to get to AJ in the first place, but he was right. There wasn’t anything we could really do, except be supportive and stay that way.



“It feels weird doesn’t it?”



He looked over at me with a confused look on his face. “What are you talking about?”



“Just being out here, it’s seems out of your element.”



“You act like I never am out in the sun.”



“You look like you’re never out in the sun.”



He laughed under his breath, flicking ashes onto the grass. If Kevin was around he would have had said something no doubt. “You know, that’s bad for the environment.” Yup, something like that.



AJ looked at me and shook his head, “You know kid, you really are morphing into Richardson and it’s amusing and slightly disturbing.”



“I am not.”



“Yeah, you are…but that’s okay. I’d rather you turn into him than turn into me.” See? It’s when he says things like that, that’s when he scares me. He used to talk like that all the time. Brian and I called it the ‘poor me’ talk. He would go on about how lucky we all were that we had this or that and how I, especially shouldn’t go down his path.



“I don’t like it when you talk like that.” I told him honestly as I temporarily took my feet and legs out from the water.



“Like what?”



I almost said the ‘poor me’ talk but since he never knew about that I stopped myself. “The whole don’t turn into me crap.”



“It’s not crap, it’s the truth. I’m a mess Nick, a royal mess.”



“You used to be, but not anymore. Besides, I thought I had cornered the market on mess. If anyone is a mess, it’s me and not you.”



“I don’t think Howie and Brian have these kinds of conversations, do you?”



I laughed just thinking about it, trying to picture Howie and Brian even a smidgen as insecure as AJ and I were. Picturing them sitting around talking about who was more messed up. “I don’t think so, but I bet they do have conversations about how messed up we are.”



“And who do you think wins those?” He raised his eyebrow at me so I gently nudged him.



“I’d say it’s probably a tie.”



“I don’t doubt that!” He threw the butt of his cigarette into the water which made the inner Kevin in me cringe once again. Mind you, I have done my fair share of polluting too. I do believe it was this very same spot where my Tampa crew and I had a contest to see who could throw beer bottles the farthest, kind of like skipping stones but with bottles. What a dumb thing to do huh?



“So, how have you been AJ?”



“You see me every damn day Nick.”



“That’s not really an answer to the question man.”



“Why do you ask?”



“Because I care.”



“You know, the cameras aren’t rolling now dude.”



“You think I only care when there’s a camera on me?” That hurt my feelings. Maybe he was trying to do that. It was one of AJ’s coping mechanisms. Of course when I was younger I would have taken it as an opportunity to punch him in the face. “I worry about you AJ. I just want to make sure you’re doing alright, that’s all.”



“I know…sorry. I’m good kiddo. I have my good days and I have my bad ones.”



“Seems like you’ve had a lot of bad ones lately.”



He nodded at me and started playing with the bracelet he had on his right wrist. “Yeah, I’ll live though. I always do.” He paused, I could tell he was wondering if he was being honest with himself or not. “So, what about you, how are you doing?”



You know, after all these years, you’d think I’d be comfortable with that question by now. Even going to therapy regularly as I have been this past year, hasn’t much helped me when it comes to answering that question. “I’m good.”



He laughed at me; he knew how much trouble I had with that question too. “You lie Carter!”



“I’m not lying AJ. I’m good.” Funny, now I found myself pausing to figure out if I was being honest or not. Am I good? I don’t think so, not today anyway. I woke up not feeling good. I woke up feeling kind of empty inside, like I didn’t have a friend in the world. It’s unacceptable to feel that way. I mean I’m one of the luckiest guys on the planet. I have money, fame, a great job, but yet here I was feeling sorry for myself and why? Because Kevin and I aren’t fishing. I really do act like a child sometimes. I felt AJ’s hand on my shoulder. I guess the jig was up then. I’d have to come clean, be honest and hope he doesn’t think I’m an idiot.



“This is going to sound retarded.”



“Everything that you say sounds mildly retarded Nick.”



I laughed at him, still not believing what I was going to let come out of my mouth. Here it goes though…now or never I guess.



“I don’t feel like the baby anymore.”



“Come again?”



“I don’t feel like the baby anymore. I mean I feel like a grown up. The family connection we all once had, I feel like it’s gone.” God, it made me sad saying that and admitting it to more than my therapist and myself. It also made me sound pathetic. I’m such a loser.



He paused forever, which made it even worse. I was afraid to look up, not really in the mood to be mocked. It was my birthday for Christ sake! Why did I ever say anything at all? Thoughts in head Nick…keep your fucking thoughts in your head!



“I know what you mean.” Wow…he does?



“Wow, you do?”



“Yeah, ever since Kevin left it’s been different.”



I nodded, slightly relieved, “Yeah…I agree.”



“You’re still the baby though.” He pinched my cheeks and then kissed me on the head. That was unexpected.



“Stop man.” I bat him away, “I’m being serious.”



“I know Nick, so am I. Things have changed and between you and me, it sucks! I hate the fact that Kevin is gone. I hate the fact that we seem kind of disconnected. I hate the fact that no matter how much I want them to, those days are just gone. I spend too much time dwelling on that stuff. It isn’t healthy.”



“You’re right. It’s not healthy but sometimes it bothers me more than others.”



“Like today?” He looked over at me with a half smile on his face.



“Yeah, like today.” I couldn’t believe how sad I was. You know, I had convinced myself after Kevin left that my main goal was my family anyway. It was all good because I needed to be the older one. I needed to stand up and take responsibility. I realized that in the end, after the fame and the group go away, all I’ll have left is my family and friends. The problem is, these guys were my family AND my friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that looks at them that way. Maybe AJ too. The both of us. Maybe that’s why out of all of them, I asked him to come with me today.



I actually felt a tear run down my cheek. I tried to catch it before he noticed, but I was too late. “Nicky, you know they care.”



“I know.”



“Brian kept going on and on about you this morning…” AJ said after a few minutes of silence. He was probably wondering whether or not he wanted to share that information with me.



“He did?” I looked over at him as he grabbed another cigarette out of his jacket pocket.



“Yeah, he was friggin annoying the hell out me. Nick has grown so much. I can’t believe he’s 27 today. He was so little…do you remember how little he was AJ? I mean I used to be able to put him over my shoulders….” He was trying to mimic Brian’s southern drawl and not doing a very god job at it. “You know, every time I look at him I see a little bit of me, isn’t that crazy AJ? And I know it’s because I helped raise the kid. He’s awesome…on and on he went. Even after I started walking away he kept talking about you. He’s going to be the grandfather from hell...Poor Baylee!”



“Are you shitting me AJ or did he really say those things?”



“Do I look like someone who shits someone else? God…don’t answer that one…no Nickolas, I’m not shitting you. Brian said it and meant every goddamned word. It was annoying. The truth is, he loves the hell out of you. I just think that he figures by now you know that.”



“I do know it…” I trailed off, why bother because AJ knows. He gets it, I think. “I wasn’t even sure if he remembered it was my birthday.”



“He remembered, so did Howie.”



“Did Howie say nice things about me too?”



“No, Howie hates your ass!” I giggled…AJ has great comedic timing. We won’t ever tell him that though because if we did, we’d have to put up with hours and hours of him telling us jokes. “Kevin told me, you would have a rough day today.”



I turned my body to face AJ, letting the sun hit me directly in the eyes. “He did?”



“Yup, he called me yesterday to remind me it was your birthday, not that I wouldn’t have remembered. He’s so anal.”



“Wow…”



“He asked me if we were doing anything for you today. Like having a party or something, he apologized for the thousandth time for not coming to mine.”



“He felt horrible about that. He really wanted to make it.” I felt bad for not letting AJ know how Kevin felt. He had called me the day of the party and said he tried everything in his power to be able to make it. AJ probably would have liked to hear that. I wish my brain worked that way.



“I know.” He answered, his words drifting off slightly as he exhaled a puff of smoke into the air.



“So, Kevin didn’t tell you to come with me, did he?”



He shook his head, “No, for the billionth time Nick, I came because I wanted to come. He had no idea we were going to go fishing. He just wanted to make sure we didn’t forget about you, that’s all.”



“He forgot about me.”



“He hasn’t called?” Now it was my turn to shake my head. Once again feeling like a loser because I cared so much.



“Nope.”



“Well, I’m sure he will. The guy is busy trying to make babies and doing whatever it is retired Backstreet Boys do.”



I sighed, deciding maybe it was time for my little pity party to end. AJ didn’t come here to hang out with a moody, pathetic me. He came to…hrmm….



“Jay, can I ask you a question?”



“Yeah.”



“Why did you come?”



“You’re really starting to annoy me now.”



“Sorry…I mean… I know you probably would rather be doing something else.”



“Okay…” Uh oh, now I was in for something. I knew that ‘okay’ very well. He put out his cigarette. Well actually he flung it into the water. Nice going, I’m sure the fish would love that. “Do you think I’m here because I pity you or something? Like ‘oh poor Nicky all alone on his birthday, I better do something with him,’ because that’s not the case!”



“I didn’t mean…”



“Let me finish...” He put up his arm to stop me. “I am here because, despite what you just said a minute ago, and despite how you feel…you are my baby brother Nick. The only baby brother I have ever known and I wanted to be here with you today. Didn’t matter what we did. If you wanted to go bowling, fine. If you wanted to hang out at your place and play video games, cool. If you wanted to go to a strip club, which we can still do by the way, excellent. As long as we hung together man. So, please for the love of everything holy, stop thinking this is some kind of charitable gesture. It offends me!”



“I asked you to come.”



“And I was happy about that. I was afraid you were going to blow me off!”



“Blow you off?”



“Yeah, I mean that would have sucked because I had planned on spending today with you for a while now.”



“Yeah?”



“Uh…yeah.”



“But what if Kev was going to take me fishing?”



“Then I would have tagged along.”



“You really were going to spend the day with me?”



“You’re doing it again Carter!”



“Sorry.”



I smiled, for the first time all day, a genuine smile. AJ has always meant so much to me. We have had some major, intense fights the two of us, and we both have also been downright mean to each other, but I think we just understood each other better than anyone could possibly understand either one of us.



You know, Kevin took me on my very first fishing trip, because he sensed I was lost. I looked over at AJ and smiled. He was taking off his boots, of course wrestling with them. I had a flashback of my own war with boots when Kevin and I did this. “You know, it’s not a good idea to wear boots to fish.”



Just as I said that, he lost his balance and rolled over on his side as if he was a dying fish. The stuff camera phones were made for. I wish I had brought mine along. I decided to leave my phone in the car. I didn’t want any distractions. Stupid me...AJ fishing equals tons of Kodak moments. That’s when another thought occurred to me, “J, I’ll be right back. I’m heading to the car to get our poles.” He nodded finally up righting himself and putting his boots off to the side.



When I got to the car, I sat inside and fished for my phone, taking a second to glance at my face in the mirror. My cheeks were red, “I’m burnt to a crisp.” I muttered as I felt the heat of them. Now that I was aware I was burnt, it was going to hurt like hell. Mind over matter is a bitch and a half. Kicks mind over matter!



I grabbed my phone and was happy to see I had two new voice mails. One was from Chris, he babbles…a lot! But the second one was from Kevin.



“Hey little man…I know, you hate when I call you that. Too bad! Happy birthday buddy! I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you. I hope you’re fishing with that pole I gave you last year! I promise next year you and I will do something fun, okay? Anyway…I just wanted you to know I’ll be thinking about you all day, well except when I have crazy, mad, sex with my wife…because that would be weird.” I rolled my eyes at his attempt at humor. “Stop rolling your eyes!” Oh my God! “I love you kiddo…just wanted you to know that and I’ll talk to you really soon. I’ll be in town next Wednesday; maybe we can go get dinner? Give me a call! Oh and Nicky…I’m proud of you.”



I got out of the car and went to the back to grab the fishing poles, feeling so much better than I did before. Funny what one little call can do for someone. And yes, I did listen to it one more time as I headed back towards AJ who was now knee deep in the water, while smoking.



I took my place, once again on the same huge rock. Sun beating down on my already red face. Forget about my feet, they surely will burn off. That’s okay though, as I watch AJ barely able to stand in the water, flicking his ashes along the ripples, nothing else much matters but the fact that at the end of the day, I’m one lucky 27 year old.



“Hey AJ, you aren’t wearing chains on those jeans by any chance are you?”





The End