With Commentary by Yours Truly by nicksgal
Summary: I wrote this as a piece for my Creative Writing course. I was hoping to get feedback on it before I turned it in tomorrow morning, since I'm presenting in front of the entire class. Let me know. :)

The prompt was: Write a narrative piece in the voice of a member of an opposite gender. Include a dialogue in which the narrator wants something from another character.

Enjoy and let me know what you think! :)

Oh, and I marked it PG-13 just because the narrator swears lightly at times.
Categories: Original Fiction Characters: None
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: Various Short Original Works
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 2021 Read: 757 Published: 01/26/07 Updated: 01/26/07

1. With Commentary by Yours Truly by nicksgal

With Commentary by Yours Truly by nicksgal
Author's Notes:
Thanks again! :)
“Do you even know where we’re going?” I asked bitterly, clamping my hand on her shoulder.

It was snowing, again; I grumbled to myself—the third or fourth time in the past few weeks. I shoved my hands in my pockets and let out a short breath.

“Just up the street…. I think….?”

That was my best friend, as dimwitted as ever, trying to find her way around this stupid town. And yes, I said “best friend,” what’s wrong with that? Not every guy has to have some steroid induced jerk ass for a best friend. Having this girl has its perks, after all. I laughed a little to myself at the thought, making her turn around and give me that “deer-in-the-headlights” look. Yeah, that’s her, always off in her own little world of pink hair ties and crap boy bands.

I let out a cough and looked back at her blank stare. “Well, did you write down the directions?”

“No, Veronica said it was a ‘huge, green house, you can’t miss it!’”

Which is great, coming from the girl who has an unnatural obsession with horses and military men at eighteen. I think she’s blonde, I don’t remember, but it’s even more reason to avoid her directions. “So you don’t have them…”

She blinked. “No.”

There was a long awkward pause, the kind where you know they want to say something, but have nothing running through their head.

“But…”

I knew that was coming.

I put my hand to my face and let out a low groan, “She didn’t give you streets or anything?”

“Well, it’s a huge, green house, you can’t miss it!”

Which was great…. Except we’d been wandering around in circles for the past twenty minutes, I think, amongst a sea of huge, green houses.

“Oh! And she said it has a big pine tree out front!”

I rolled my eyes a little, trying to keep my mouth shut. Know all those green houses I was talking about a second ago? Yeah, they all had big pine trees out front. Veronica, please remind me to kick you in the shins when we actually get to the house.

I kicked a rock along the sidewalk as we continued to wander. I guess I’ll give her credit, Veronica did hold her housewarming party before the sidewalks iced over. Speaking of which…. I pulled out my phone. Seven thirty? Shit…. Had we really been wandering for an hour? Phone… I turned to her slowly, “Hey, Madison, why don’t—”

“THERE!”

You would think I heard a gun shot with the height I jumped. Damn, that girl’s had a lot of practice screaming. There must be some higher institute somewhere… Like those annoying ads on TV… “Yes, we can give you a great career in criminal justice at this tiny school that no one’s ever heard of!” Of course, her institute would advertise with “Yes, we can teach you how to be a highly enthusiastic teenybopper! Wear cute pig tails and short skirts! Scream really loud! Spend all your money! And when you’re done, your walls will be covered with the faces of men you’ll never meet!” I rolled my eyes. Sounds great… Sign me up! I kicked the rock again and put my hand to my chest, having calmed myself from that sudden startle. “What now?”

She stretched out her arm and extended her index finger from her hand. “There’s a green house with a big pine tree in front!”

I put my hand to my face. Not this… I grabbed her by the shoulder, turned her in the opposite direction, and copied her previous action. “There’s a green house with a big pine tree in front.”

Her face screwed into an incomprehensible expression somewhere between a pout, a scowl, and confusion. “That can’t be right…”

I was somewhere between laughing, crying, and hitting her upside the head. Obviously you haven’t been paying attention to all the green houses with big pine trees in front. And what idiot tells you how to get to their house by explaining that it’s a huge, green house with a big pine tree out front when every house on their block is a cookie cutter copy of that house? I mean really, that’s just… I grumbled and pulled out my phone again, shoving it in her face. “Call her.”

“Oh yeah! Why didn’t I think of that?” She let out a shrill giggle. Yes, shrill is the appropriate term for that giggle; if you were to write it out, I imagine it would be surrounded by hearts and rabbits or something cutesy like that.

I tapped my foot, waiting for her to find Veronica’s number. My surprise came when her phone let out a small jingle as she repeatedly pressed the same button. Not that button… And if she says it is, so help me, I will go on a rampage.

“My phone’s dead.”

That’s it. Damn, I hope my pants don’t shred too bad. And everyone says I look best in blue, not green… I snapped back to attention, “Your phone is dead?!?”

She blinked. “Yes.” Her voice was meek at my sudden outburst.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit, I never charge my phone. Most of the time when you try to call me, it’ll be off because it’s about to die or I’m screening my calls. Does that make me a bad person? Hell, a lot of people I don’t want to talk to call me! Fine. Yes, yes, I’m a horrible person… But that’s beside the point… She always charges her phone! She’ll look at it the night before and complain about how it’s at only one bar and how she’s afraid of it dying on her the next day. What happened? I put my hand to my head and reached toward her, holding my phone in my palm. “Call her on my phone.”

She blinked, again. I get that you’re confused, but at least pretend I’m not speaking some foreign language from an undiscovered country in the middle of nowhere. She acted like I just asked if she’d like to do a triathlon in which she biked across the Himalayas, swam across the Indian Ocean, and then ran along the Great Wall of China! Seriously? Seriously…

“I don’t know her number.”

Okay. Okay. Stay calm. Calm. “How?!?!?!?!?” So much for that.

“Well, I have a poor memory you know…” She gave me a shy smile, “I know your number.”

“Oh really?”

“Three-oh-three seven-nine-six four-three-oh-four.”

“That’s very nice… I think.”

She smiled and let out that irritating shrill giggle once more. I’m glad you know my number, really, truly glad. Now please, please calm down, breathe, and tell me how the hell we’re supposed to find this house when it looks like every other house, you don’t know her phone number, and your phone is dead.

“What if we called Jess!” she suggested excitedly. For once she had a good idea.

I gave her a grin, “Great. What’s the number?”

“You don’t have it?” She blinked.

“No.”

Blink.

“Don’t you?”

Blink.

“You do have it memorized, right?”

There was another long, awkward pause.

“No?!?!?!??!?!?!?”

“Well no… But… I know your home phone number.”

“Oh really?”

“Three-oh-three six-six-eight oh-one-eight-eight.”

“That’s great.” I put my hand to my head. “No… No… It has nothing to do with anything… How can you know all of my numbers, but no one else’s?”

“I call you the most.”

I nodded. That’s a little sad…. I opened my phone and looked at the time. Seven forty-five… “Why did Veronica get a house out here? I thought she just got her own apartment…”

“Kinda… But she started dating a guy who lived out here… And he wanted her to live with him, so…”

I shook my head slightly; I had a feeling that was what it was. Was this the third… or fourth… You know, it may even be the fifth time this has happened. I don’t really keep track of her love life. Last I heard, she was dating “swim team Blake”, as Madison had excitedly told me, and how he was training to be a pilot. Next thing I knew, I got invited to her housewarming party. Well…. More like Madison got invited and dragged me along. I guess I don’t mind too much… I mean, they all like me… Except they say that I’m a bit harsh… But I just don’t see it. Madison says they’re just jealous of my cold, aloof nature. I’m like James Bond in that way. Except I suck at poker. And I’ve never killed someone or anything… Not that I haven’t thought about it…

I put my hand to my head and attempted to place my focus back on Veronica, her dating habits, and most importantly, her mirage of a house. “So she’s doing it again?”

“No, this is the first one she’s moved in with… But, yeah…”

It’s amazing how different we can all turn out… Haven’t Madison and Veronica been friends for eleven or twelve years or something like that? And they really act nothing alike. I like to think it’s my good influence on Madison. And on that note, maybe it’s time I asserted my influence on this situation.

I grabbed her hand and began walking back toward my car, pulling her behind me.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to go eat. Finding her house is impossible and I’m hungry.”

My phone rang. Perfect timing; I rolled my eyes as I looked at the LCD screen. Chris, huh? I rolled my eyes again as I answered the phone.

“Chris?”

“Jessica’s been trying to reach Madison for the past twenty minutes! Are you with her?”

“Yes. The dimwit forgot to charge her phone.”

Madison put her hands to her hips and stuck out her lower lip. I’d deal with that pout later. Not like she would be too upset anyway.

“Well, are you guys coming? Veronica won’t let any of us eat until you guys get here. And I’m hungry…”

“Well, she should have given better directions than the ‘huge, green house with the big pine tree out front’! All the houses here fit that description! And I’m starving!”

“It’s a yellow house.”

“Yellow?” I raised my eyebrow and turned to Madison. I held the phone away from my face as it rattled in my shaking hand. “YELLOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

“Ow!” Chris’ muffled voice cried.

Madison put her finger to her lips, accompanied by a quizzical expression on her face. I would give her hell. “I guess she could have said ‘a yellow house next to a huge, green house’…”

I turned away from her quickly, to combat my urge to slap her across the face. I put the phone back to my ear. “Where the hell is this yellow house?!?!”

“Not so loud…” I could picture him cringing. Good. That’s what he gets for not calling me earlier. “It’s the only yellow house on the block.

“I’ve only seen green houses!!! Where the hell is—” I snapped my phone shut.

I wasn’t sure whether to be dumbfounded or pissed. I looked at my phone. Last call… five minutes… Had we really been standing here for five minutes? Five minutes in front of the only yellow house?!

I hit my head lightly with my hand. It was either that or going on that rampage I mentioned earlier. It was like that song… Having ten thousand spoons when you needed a knife… I looked up at the only yellow house again as I shoved my hands into my pockets. Well shit.
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