“Glitz and Glamour”

Prologue

They say in Hollywood, that relationships can’t survive. Hell I grew up in that shit almost and I know how true that is. Heh it never mattered cause even though I always tried to treat any girl I’m dating right, my own relationships weren’t much anyway. Except London but I consider that the biggest mistake of my life heh. But fame has taken a fucking lot from me. Too damn much. Now I’m supposed to be up in the spotlight. Album’s been out for about…holy fucking monkey eating shit has it been three months already?! Promo’s been hella high, and we need to do a few appearances. Hell a tour’s even going to start soon. Everyone thinks my ass is single, we've been protecting what relationship we had by hiding it. I’m gonna start wishing I was invisible again. But as much as fame gives, it has a high ass price. I ain’t gonna let it take what I’ve worked my ass off to keep for me. Hell no. I ain’t going to let this thing bite the dust. They haven’t faced a stubborn ass Nick Carter yet. No I don’t know who “they” means yet, but meh, I’ll figure that shit out later. I just ain’t going to let it ruin what I got with Cally Baby. Nope. Our tale ain’t over yet. I just hope we can prove that saying about relationships in Hollywood wrong. Hella wrong.

“Glitz and Glamour”

Chapter One: Here We Are

“I cannot believe Nick convinced you to share a place with him.” I heard Iz say as she followed me inside Nick’s newer apartment. Can you believe him? He bought a place with another bedroom so we can be “dating roomies” as he put it. That and he wanted a place where fans don’t all know his address. C’mon, the fact people are trying to stalk outside his patio thingy was getting creepy. So now we just will be “dating roomies” together. Okay so he’s hard to say no to. And I could use the freedom. I’m so trying to justify this. Is it working yet? No? Well um, nothing’s happening in the way too fast area that most couples likely would be at. I’m…I’m a weird virgin. There I said it.

“Well you know my parents are still mad I’m not registered for another semester, I think they still want me to be a Dr. Rayne instead of all freelance-y artist type.”

“So they flipped.”

“Not until they saw I really wasn’t going to register.”

“Then they flipped?”

“Then they flipped. Telling them I was considering art school did nothing to calm them either.” I glanced back at her hands that are very much not helping and not carrying a box. I stuck my tongue out at her. “Here to just watch?”

She shot me her cheesiest grin. “Of course! So where’s Nick?”

“He’s been at New York all weekend; can you believe his label thought it would be a good idea to put the band on TRL for promo stuff? So he’s been doing that kind of stuff for the video. TRL is today, which I plan to watch. He comes back tonight. Thanks for helping me bring my stuff over by the way.”

“Not a problem. Shocked you’re moving in when he’s not here though.”

I shrugged, maneuvering the box so I can unlock the door. By some miracle I’m able to do it without a klutzy moment. Yay Cally! “He said it’d be easier to adjust to the place when he’s not here. I think he wanted to avoid the idea of seeing my parents by helping me get my stuff.”

She laughed, walking in beside me. “I’m shocked they didn’t try to stop you.”

Dropping the box on the floor, I pulled out my cell phone, tossing it to her. “Pretty sure that’s full of voice mails saying three months is far too soon.” She caught it, took a glance, and nodded as she set it on the counter.

We sat on the insanely gorgeous black leather couch in the huge living room. Really the place is beautiful and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t help me make my decision to move in. Amazing wood floors, we were on the edge of Los Angeles, and the building was on top of a hill overlooking a great view. We were on the top floor, third one if you’re curious. Cream colored walls, that I had the urge to splash some color on. Big windows. It really was amazing, and expensive. I keep trying to tell Nick that I’d contribute. My boyfriend (Hehe it still feels crazy to call him my boyfriend) is freaking more stubborn than an aged mule. Izzy pushed her long brown locks away from her face. “It kind of is.”

“I turn 19 next month Izzy; you know it’s time for me to break away. You’re living in UCLA’s lovely dorms or I would’ve tried to room with you. I can’t afford my own place yet. This works. We’re roommates who happen to date. If he tried anything more I’d move out. I trust him.”

She nodded. “Nick isn’t the type…”

“My parents would let me back in cause it’d be admitting they might have been right.”

“So you do have the backup plan.”

I gave her a wry smile. “Besides we’re not dating according to the public.”

“How have you guys pulled that off?”

I laugh as we both get up to get the rest of my stuff out of her car. Teddy helped me get my major furniture like my bed, bookcase, and etcetera, yesterday. Today was boxes of clothes and such. “Lots of wigs, hats, sunglasses, and low key dates. Though it’s not easy to hear him say on the radio and TV that he’s single.”

Another understatement of the year!

Let’s just say his management hates me. That’s being nice. So we agreed at first while we’re very not serious we’d keep it low key. Which I admit, was nice since I was and am totally freaked at the idea of being in the public eye the way he is. Not to say I haven’t been seen with him. It’s rare cause we try hard to stay out of sight, but it’s happened. But then we act as casual friends. Which is hard. Very very hard. Not to mention hearing him say how he’s totally single and looking. I know it’s for the image, for the fans that obsess and worship. Doesn’t make it any easier. Or simple at all. Not that I want people poking at why I’m not good enough. My self image is one thing that hasn’t changed. I still know I am not the pretty perfect looking girl Nick typically dated in the past. I just have learned to try and ignore that. That’s not easy either.

“Didn’t people notice your name on the album cover, and Nick’s thank you was totally obvious.”

“Fans think he meant Tracy, the time frame was close so they disregarded it. Fans love conspiracies, if LiveDaily is any sign. They thought I was just a friend of Nick’s, heh through the album art. Always out to prove how Nick is available for them. ”

“Can’t believe you still lurk there!”

“Hey it is not like I post. Some of the not so sane ones think I do. You go there too! And you know you’d go more if it was you they were talking about.”

“Just shocked the fan CIA team hasn’t realized the truth about ya yet.”

I just gave her a small smile. “We’re talented at hiding.”

Now that we were sharing a place, I was pretty sure it’s going to be harder to do that low key thing. Nick’s mentioned wanting to go public. To Brian. I don’t think he knew I heard him yet. I think he wants to make sure I’m ready for it. It is scary. I knew it was going to happen eventually though. Is it totally shallow to say I actually tried to drop weight before we stopped hiding it? Didn’t last long, as much as I hate my weight and not so tiny tummy, I love food. Honestly. And I just totally spaced out Iz. Oops!

“Cally, I said how are you handling the idea that girls must be trying for him thinking he’s single.” She asked again, grabbing one of the last boxes from her car. I grabbed the last one and shut the trunk.

“Not something I’ve thought about, I trust him.”

Not a lie, just a stretch. I’m new at this. I have self esteem issues. From the beginning we’ve learned this. I still have them. Nothing has changed that. The idea that so many girls can be hitting on him, trying to get one night stands, that they all think he’s free territory, bugs the living HECK out of me. I trust Nick; I just don’t trust other girls.

Also, there is another factor that I fight a lot to forget. Cause it was three months ago and yeah. The fact is, Nick, when he first wanted to see me, was cheating on the current, evil but current girl Tracy. Sure it was just kisses, but he was also trying to be with me. It all worked out, but there is that tiny annoying and doubting voice saying, if it can happen to her, it can happen to me. I trust him fully. I’m just paranoid cause this is my first real relationship thingy, it is far from normal, and I didn’t want to be hurt.

“Have you talked to Sebby lately?” Once again Izzy brought me back to reality.

I nodded. “Yeah, we’re still working on that trust thing. Three months going on fixing all the bugs in the friendship, but we’re getting there.”

She smirked. “Is he in the dark about the relationship or is he an insider like me.” That was when I dropped the box on the floor with the others and headed into the kitchen. Yep, so wasn’t up for carrying the stuff to my actual room. The entire thing was still so…so weird to me. Still adjusting.

“Um…he’s with the casual friend crew.”

“He doesn’t know?! I thought you were working on the trust thing!”

Biting my lip I checked the fridge. PLEASE let Nick have gone shopping for the frozen essentials. Yeah, fun when neither one of us can cook at all. We so need to learn or if our phone line ever died, and we had no power, and we were out of gas…we’d starve. Okay, I know the chances of that are SLIM but a girl can get sick of frozen food, take out, ordering in, and random restaurants where we risk Nick getting recognized and later mobbed. Maybe we can take cooking lessons together. Okay, no more daydreaming. I pulled out a bottle of red mountain dew and fixed myself a glass. Okay, he’s awesome to remember that. I looked at Isabel. “We are, I just…well I know he hates Nick. So I haven’t found a way to say it. Might be safer to say it when Nick’s not in New York right?”

“Tell him before everyone else knows, or he’s going to be upset. I know, Teddy knows…”

“Yeah but you two didn’t rag me for trying to hang with him to begin with. In fact Iz you were telling me to steal Nick from that evil redhead he had been with to begin with!”

“I was right wasn’t I?”

“Okay maybe, but still. Devi was the one against it, so yeah I’m all avoid-y in telling him cause I know the reaction.”

“It’ll be worse if you keep waiting.”

“Stop making sense.” I bopped her with a pillow after we went back in the living room. Okay, shallow moment. Warning. Maybe I should stop getting used to this, cause yeah, I do get these moments. Nick had the placed pretty hooked up. An incredible sound system, great TV and HD for that and the DVD player which was adaptable to so many things. His old apartment had been casual. This time he said it’d be cool if we “enjoyed the perks sometimes”; I think he was also trying to sell me on the idea. It helped but the idea of getting out of my house, and more time with Nick was what did it.

“I still can’t believe this place.”

“He overdid it. When he comes back I’m telling him at least some of it has to go.”

She looked at me like I was crazy. I don’t want to become one of those girls who get so used to it; they stay just for the stuff. Removing temptation right? Because Lordie knows, this is tempting. Iz grabbed the remote, turning the TV on. I can’t believe we’re going to watch TRL. That show was dumb even when it was cool. I wasn’t much for it back in the 90’s, even with my love of bubblegum pop thanks to that decade I grew up in.

“Hey I’m Damien and welcome to TRL…today we have Flames of Ice here…but first let us start off the countdown with…”

“Does this show ever change?”

Iz shrugged, taking my red mountain dew, the fiend! “No, its gotten worse since that tool Carson left the show too.”

“Didn’t know worse was possible.”

A video played and I heard my phone ring. I lunged towards it with such energy I could hear my lovely friend just laughing at my latest display. A lamp had landed on the couch thanks to me. Well, at least nothing broke! Then I heard it roll off and crash. Ooh I take that back.

“Cally baby? What was that?”

“Um, me rushing to hear your voice?” Sound innocent, good plan. “And possibly a broken lamp was sacrificed in that mission. Wait, aren’t you taping TRL right now?”

“Yeah, we’re waiting till we come on, hear the screams?” Isn’t that nice, him holding out the phone so I can be deafened by psycho fans.

“Thanks, I feel the love, you making me deaf and all.”

“Thought you would, you get your stuff in the place?”

“Yeah, Iz helped.”

“Tell her I say hey. Feeling better about being my dating roomy baby?”

“Better…went a little overboard on stuff didn’t ya?”

“Hell nah.”

“I miss you…” Did I just get sentimental? I think I did, and of course I have to watch him get asked if he has someone. I get to watch him say no. It’s like that invisibility thing. Never does feel too good.

“I’ll be home tonight; me and the fellas are taking a flight out after this meeting after the show.”

“Ooh that means I’ll see Brian!”

“Hey! Now that ain’t cool. I gotta go baby, we’re bout to go on and shit.”

I laughed just at the way that sounded. “Should be quite a show.”

“Hell yeah, you know me. Later Cally Baby.”

“Bye Squishy.”

I hung up the phone. Yeah we don’t use those three words yet. Maybe I’m sentimental but I want to. Yet I feel it’s too early so I hold back on it. I sat down by Iz again as we watched Nick come on the TV screen, and I can even see him tuck that sidekick he was addicted to in his pocket. “Nick says hey.”

“Miss him?”

“Yeah, but its something to get used to right? Cause he’s going to travel tons.”

We watched TRL and I only half listened. It was the same thing every interview. Who was “Any Other Way” about, that’s their latest single by the way. Think a more rockfish version of a Maroon 5 single and that’s close to what that sound of the song is like. It’s pretty cool but hard to describe. Nick says it’s about someone they all know. Nick gets a kick out of it because according to him he wrote it after I started avoiding him post The Grove incident. Of course it only influenced the song; it’s not 100% what the song is about. Still, the label picked it as the second single and after “Helpless When She Smiles” he thinks it’s funny the next one had to do with me too. That’s so surreal, hearing a song about you. Glad mine are good ones. Makes me wonder how Britney Spears felt after Justin Timberlake put her on blast with one of his songs. Iz watched the show while I stayed, contentedly in my daydreaming world. I need to feed Babyface later. Still can’t believe he has a pet iguana of all things. Odd boy. I love him and all, but odd. Then that question no one fails to ask caught my attention again.

“So Nick, AJ rumor has it you two are still available for all the ladies watching right now. Is that true?”

“Hell yeah man. I’m always looking. Always trying.” Typical AJ, he went through so many girls trying to find the right one, it’s hard to keep up.

“What about you Nick?”

“Yep, single as ever, so all you fine ladies out there know I’m free…" His trademark smirk. “And I’m very open minded.”

I went into the kitchen. It never got easier to hear him flirt with the fans through radio or TV. I didn’t know how much longer I can take it. I’ve thought about the three words and the world still thinks any witch can try and have him. I don’t think I can do that, hide myself. I know what comes with the world watching us, hoping for us to break up. Still, anything has to be better than that. Cause here we are, dating three months, and I’m one of a handful who knows how much I care about him and he cares about me. It just hurt and scared me to hear him say otherwise, even if it is all a show for the image his label wanted. An image for the fans.

Can you blame me?

“Glitz and Glamour”

Chapter Two: More Than An Image

“God dammit John I am fucking sick of lying about not dating anyone!” I slammed my fist down on the table in the meeting room. We were at Jive’s New York office. My temper was going fucking nuts but damn this was getting old. I knew Calypso was far from happy about this shit. Not that she wasn’t for it in the beginning. She agreed before I could. I think she did it for me. So I wouldn’t blow up then like I am now. At first, we kept it low key before we even let John and Lois know. When we did, heh they weren’t pleased. The damn assholes…

“Nick you know it’s not smart for the public to know you’re dating, it’s bad for your image. As it is only two of you are available now anyway.”

“You didn’t fucking mind when the world knew I was dating Tracy!”

John rubbed his dark eyes. I swear the man had no fucking soul. “That was different, Tracy was different.”

I felt Cally stiffen beside me, we both knew what he was getting at and it was a low fucking blow. “Yeah Trace was psychotic.” I rubbed Cally’s arm, trying hard not to commit a murder. Murder sends me to jail, which means I can’t see her. See? I could rationalize when I wanted to. My other hand was interlocking with hers. She squeezed it, trying to keep us both calm.

“Tracy was a different image, a better image.”

“Better fucking image for who!?” My hand slammed down on the wall behind me. “You want us to keep this hidden cause you think it’ll make the band look bad?! FUCK THAT!”

“No offense Cally-”

“Um, it’s Calypso.” Burn. She doesn’t have anyone she likes call her that.

“Calypso then, but it is better not to have this out in the open. Tracy was good for the image, and again no offense taken, but you’re not as good for it.”

I glared; him talking down to my fucking girl is the last ass straw. Ass straw heh. That’s what I’ll make him become if he don’t watch it. I didn’t care if he was our manager; we have another one somewhere, the spineless one who listens to John more. “Look-”

“Nick…its okay.”

At that I stared at her surprised. She’s okay with this bullshit?! What the fuck did I miss? Were there some drugs she took? If there were, how come I didn’t get any? Must be good shit too. She saw my look and pulled me away from the manager from hell where he couldn’t hear us.

“How is this okay? Fuck I ain’t gonna let him talk to you like that!”

“Forget it. Its okay, this whole low key thing, it’ll help me adjust.”

I tugged her scrunchie out of her hair. If I had my way I’d sneak into her house and burn them all. They hold back the glorious hair! They are evil! Scrunchie. I wonder, who had come up with that name anyway? Pretty damn random. Maybe the inventor had ADHD too? “You sure? I’ll have to say in interviews I’m single and shit, you aight with that?”

“Yeah, getting eased into this whole your fame thing would be easier than tossed into it. That and I really don’t want to have to find you a lawyer after you kill your manager. Too messy.”

I kissed the top of her forehead gently. “Aight, but if you’re ever fed up with this shit, let me know.”

She hasn’t said it yet, but I know it. It’s got her bugging. Hell it’s got me fed up. I’m sick of lying my ass off knowing that she’s likely watching me say this. I also have places I want to show her, make her all amazed. We’ve had to go out to places we know no one would think of. Can’t exactly take her to the more fancy places. Which aren’t my style but fuck sometimes like any man, I wanna impress my girl. Hiding ain’t fun, oh hell it was at first but now it’s on our last damn nerve. And we have those MTV Video Music Awards. I am NOT even thinking of getting set up with some model on my arm or going alone. I want her with me.

So fuck whatever they’re thinking. I have to admit, and I risk sounding like some gay sap but these past few months have been fucking awesome. I ain’t used to a girl actually caring. Usually they want something more than me just being there as a boyfriend. Cally doesn’t. I love surprising her cause the look of shock and sweetness is satisfying. Knowing that I’m hurting her at the same time when I do my damn job, well, that isn’t a fun blow to the gut. I know how this fame game works, but I’m willing to work my ass off protecting this girl. People are going to freaking find out sooner or later anyway. I don’t want her getting the idea that I’m ashamed cause that ain’t it. Far as hell from it.

She’s even going to be staying with me. Talked to her earlier and she’s moving the last of her things in. At first she was concerned it was too soon. But hell, I saw what living with her parents was doing to her. So I got a new place with two bedrooms and gave her this idea, she knows it ain’t so I can get into her pants. Aight I ain’t gonna lie, I wouldn’t mind it. Hell I’ve been dying for it. Still, I ain’t going to force her into it. Which I overheard Cally on the phone with her mom when this idea first came up; her mom thinks that’s why. That ain’t it.

They don’t hate me, or if they do, they hide it well. They just hate that she’s taking her own path now. One that ain’t going to have her as some stuffy and snobby psychiatrist like they want from her. Her dad’s pretty cool with me. It’s her mom I stay away from. I know I’m not the guy they wanted their daughter to be with. I just can’t get why even now, after they see she’s tired of it, they fight for what they want for her and not for what she herself wants. Heh, so I gave her this idea after she finally got it into their heads that she’s not going back to college for that. She’s been talking to me about trying this art school to look into careers in that area. I ain’t letting her pay for it, but she doesn’t know that yet. Cally’s got that whole pride thing about making sure she doesn’t take too much from me. That’s a first too and makes me wanna buy that much more for her. I need to focus. Focus Nick, focus.

“Nick calm down.”

“Well fuck, I want to be able to date in public.” Which is what’s equal for announcing. You don’t actually say it, heh no celebrity is that damn important. You just go on dates like normal people and ignore the paparazzi stalkers as you continue your date as normal. The world knows you ain’t single no more from then on. After that they follow you like rabid dogs looking for their next scrap of meat heh. You end up in those stupid tabloids and those gossip shows. Hiding can get old after awhile.

“Your girlfriend is bad for your image and you know it.”

“Like I give a fuck about my image! Damn I ain’t half of what my image is anyway.” I need to talk to the fellas about a new damn label. I’m getting so fed up with this shit. Not to mention I’m going to have to tour with his ass after the VMAs. Our tour starts in September, which sucks cause that’s when Cally’s birthday is but I’m gonna figure something out. Focus on the prick Nick, or he’ll think he won.

“I mean this in the nicest way Nick-”

I stared at him coldly; people don’t think I’m some train wreck bad ass for nothing. “Mean what?”

“That the world is going to see you’re lowering your standards-”

“What cause she ain’t some fake ass Barbie wanna be bitch!? Hell I fucking upgraded!”

“So hiding her would be best.” That asshole was too damn calm. He made any Puerto Rican man look bad acting like this. Poor Howie.

“She’s my date for the VMAs John, and I’m taking her where I want.”

“I was thinking we could have you escort one of the up and coming models for that event and-”

This guy just did not fucking get it did he?! I wonder if Central Park would be a good place to hide the body. People would think it was a mugging. Hell if R. Kelly can get away with what he has, I sure as hell can kill my prick manager. Ehhh, too much effort. So I’m here arguing with him while the rest of the fellas went home. This meeting was for me only. I told Cally otherwise so she ain’t worried about all this.

“No. I ain’t gonna tell my girlfriend she can’t go and then be seen with another woman dawg. Hell nah.”

“I’m sure she’d understand if you explained it to her. She seemed reasonable the last time I met her.”

It’s like talking to a damn wall. Not that I’d know what that’s like. I don’t talk to walls. Maybe myself. Not out loud. Just, mentally. Like right now when I should have taken my meds and instead I’m here trying to reason with super-prick. It can be the remix to that “Super freak” song. He’s a super prick, super prick, who has no dicky… der ner ner ner…

And my fans say I shouldn’t write so much. (They think my songs ain’t as good as some of the other fellas’ songs. I agree but hell I’m not as bad as they say I am either.)

“You mean when you fucking all but said she’s bad for my image cause she doesn’t look like Tracy.”

“I never said that.”

“No you just hinted at it enough. Screw that. Fuck the image, I’m not hiding it, and if asked I’ll be honest and don’t be trying any of that PR crap to cover up.”

I headed out of the office and glanced at my cell phone to see the time. Damn, I needed to get my shit and get going. I hate flying. It’s a daily part of this gig I have too. I hate it, makes me so damn nervous. If I don’t make this flight it means avoiding a mob while trying to get another flight. Airports suck. I went out, got in my rented car and sped off for the airport. My shit was already in the trunk, I know how meetings go. I packed it up before going on TRL. I hated TRL; the hosts are faker than the average ones. Fans are cool though. They just scream, but that’s normal.

I heard my phone ring as I parked at the airport and started getting my luggage. I dragged it behind me. It was one of those wheelie ones with the handle. I dug for my sidekick as I made my way through. My bodyguard? Heh I told him to go ahead and go with the other guys, that I’d be fine. Maybe I shouldn’t have, this place is packed. Great, security checks, aren’t those fun? Once past those, guess what, flight is delayed. Of course it is. Can’t something just go right so I can get my ass home?! For once home actually feels like home. First time since I was a kid, with the exception of feeling at home in a tour bus. I already told ya all about that though. My sidekick kept going off and I stopped spacing enough as I sat down and waited for the plane. I answered the phone to hear Kevin on the other end of the line.

“How’d the meeting go?”

“Fucked up. Let me guess, John called you after to tell you to try and calm me down right?”

“He tried.” I can hear him chuckle on the other end of the line. We had a bad habit of using cell phones on planes even though you’re not supposed to.

“What’d you tell him?”

“That I am on a plane and I shouldn’t be using the phone.”

I laughed; Kevin is anything but the rule breaker of the band. Usually John gets him to help “control” me. Kevin does, but not to the prick level John has. Heh, not shocked he took my side in this. He liked Cally, a lot actually. Shocking since he always hates my choice in women.

“Really, heh.”

“I heard you let him have it at the meeting you set up with him.”

“Hell yeah I did. He’s telling me how by dating her I’m lowering my standards cause unlike the rest of fucking Hollywood women she’s not a damn twig.”

“He had the balls to say that?”

“Yeah.”

“Then good job bro, keep her. She seems to have this good effect on you.”

“Well since Bri was the one who kept trying to make sure it happened, thank him.” Yeah I know now Brian had a lot to do with it. I thanked him -after a good wrestling match about him meddling in my life- since it worked out for the best. Yes! Finally the plane is here and I can sit in that damn torture device for hours and then finally get home.

“I gotta get going man, plane’s finally here.”

“Later bro.”

“Bye.”

I hung up and headed to the plane. Of course as I got on, I stepped on with my right foot. Always. The one time I didn’t was the freaking shakiest dumb plane I’ve ever been on. Turbulence sucks ass. And it was the only damn time I forgot to step on with my right foot. So, Nick’s guide to surviving a flight on the evil planes: step on with your right foot, and always have at least two airsick bags.

I hate planes. Really do.

**********

I am hella tired as I made my way into the apartment. I just had to fucking get the one on the third floor. Screw the first one, cause otherwise it won’t have some great view for Cally to paint. Noooo, the third one doesn’t have too many damn stairs after a long ass flight, an annoying cab driver, and a couple bags of luggage that feel way heavier now. I dropped my stuff by the door where I saw all of Cally’s boxes. That made me laugh, she’s like me when it comes to that shit. My room is still full of boxes, only important shit like the new TV and sound system are unpacked. I headed into the living room where I saw the TV on and Cally fast asleep on the couch. She must’ve been waiting for me. She looked cute. It’ll be tight sharing this place with her, I can tell already.

So I did what any good boyfriend would do in this situation.

I lunged, tickling her insanely. I was greeted to her cute laugh and smile as she woke up jerking away in a fit of giggles. “Ahh Nick! You brat!”

I grinned. “Hey Cally Baby, what no welcome home?” I crawled over her on the couch, hovering inches above where she was still laying down. Damn this is way too tempting. Fuck, I was going to need to work on controlling my urges. I’ve already set a new record for going three months without some.

She smirked, staring up from where I now had her pinned. “Welcome home, brat.”

I leaned down, kissing her neck softly. Damn I can so get used to this kind of thing every night. “You love it.”

“Maybe. Hey did you know you practiced voodoo?”

I blinked, that was random as all hell. “Really now.”

“Uh huh, according to LiveDaily.”

I snickered, nibbling along her neck. I hate holding back. Yes this is holding back. “Ahh yes, I have a voodoo doll of you. That’s how you ended up here, I made it say yes Nick you are a sexual god! Of course I’ll be with you!”

“Well sexual god, I need to go to the bathroom.”

Both of us laughed as I let her up so she could go. I watched her walk away, that booty of hers having this little shimmy I already know by heart. I don’t know even now what it is about her that’s so freaking …well damn what the hell it is that takes me in. Whatever it is, she has a ton of it. A few moments later she came out, heading into the kitchen for her mountain dew fix. Speaking of which, I was fucking dying for some Dr. Pepper. I got up, following her in.

“Didn’t you miss me?”

“Aww poor Squishy, course I did.” She handed me the bottle of my own soda fix without a word from me. Too much time together can be a good thing. “You know AJ’s new girlfriend, gah what’s her name…”

“Kaci.”

“Yeah her, the underage one… apparently she wants to meet me, so her and I are supposed to hang.”

I looked over. Poor Cally, that Kaci girl was annoying, and always trying to get in as our opening act for the coming tour. She was using AJ and we all knew it. Fuck I know the signs best, but man he’s gotta see it for himself. “Just you two?”

“Heck no, Lordie I’d never say yes to that. Brian saved me by suggesting to AJ that Leighanne needed some girl time and that she’d like to come along. AJ told him first it’d be a good idea for me and Kaci to hang out because we’re the closest in age.”

I felt bad for my girl. Cally was turning nineteen sure, but hell we only had a five year difference, in Hollywood that’s tiny. Kaci I think Jay said she turns seventeen in two weeks. Trust me, this girl reminded me of some of the not so mature fans we had. “Thanks for doing it.”

“Trying to be nice. I also invited Iz for the ride.”

At that I laughed hard. “You did that so if Kaci crossed a line Isabel would tell her off.”

She gave me the angelic smile that was only natural on her, and partly why I fell for her to begin with. “Me? Never. After what you’ve told me…I’m not thrilled though. Leighanne is awesome though, girl talks with her are great. But now…” She let out a yawn. “I’m off to bed and unpacking tomorrow, or the next day.” She kissed me again; as I let my hands wander. As soon as they slid up to her bra, she pulled away. Damn. Old habits.

“Night Nick.”

“Night Cally.”

"Glitz and Glamour"

Chapter Three: Expectations

It's something to get used to, waking up in a new place you're supposed to call home. I yawned, crawling out of my bed. Blah there's so many boxes I'm ignoring. The only thing I got out were my clothes yesterday and put them in my closet. Oh and my sneaks. I'm such a sneaker lover. Yep, I am a dork. I glanced at the clock. Lordie, only 9:30? I wasn't meeting up with Kaci and Leighanne till 11:00. Maybe I could unpack some more. Now I've gotten to know Leighanne more over the past few months and she's sweet, you wouldn't know she's older than me, she so doesn't look it or act it. In the good way of course.

Don't I sound thrilled about today. I'm not so much. I'm happy about Leighanne going and me dragging Izzy. Still, if this Kaci is as bad as Nick says, eep. I shouldn't be judging before I meet her, but I trust Nick's judgment. That, and the whole meeting his friends’ girlfriends? It’s still nerve wracking. I met AJ's last one Candy. And then I met Katie. Now AJ's crazy cool, but yeah he dates a new girl every few weeks. This one he's kept though for a month, which is surprising and probably why he thinks I should meet her. So she'll have friends when the group hangs out. From what Nick and Brian tell me, she's not well welcomed. So I feel bad but she'd have had to have earned it right?

I pulled out the phone I bought for my room, plugging it in and setting it on the ground. I also needed to call someone first, and start listening to Izzy for once. Just don't tell her okay? Shh. Dialing Sebastian's number I put it on speaker phone, as I love to do and start going through my things. Ooh my radio! I plugged that in quickly as well and popped in the first cd I found, which happened to be "Away From The Sun" by Three Doors Down. I could hear When I'm Gone filter out from the speaker as I waited for Sebastian to pick up. Come on, it has to be like noon over there.

"Hello?"

"Devi! What's up?"

"Not much, didn't recognize the number."

Gah, caller ID, well that helped try to say it. Why don't I want to tell him... oh right cause I'm afraid he'll totally flip. Again. "It's cause I'm not at my parents...I got my own place." That's closer to the truth right? Lordie okay this is harder than I thought.

"You did? Sweet, I might be coming down around the weekend of your birthday."

"Oooh Yippee!"

I could hear him chuckle on the other end. I had such a dork moment just now. "Yippee, I feel special you're so excited."

"Well yeah, you can see me, I can see you, and you can see this great place I'm sharing with Nick-"

ACK! Can I take that last part back? Not how I wanted to say it!

"You're sharing a place with...who?!"

Oh boy... "Nick, my now boyfriend, we've um been dating the past three months."

"And you moved in with him."

"Just yesterday, we're more roommates who happen to date, because he could tell I wanted my own place is all. I just wanted to tell ya, don't hate me for it. Don't be mad." I pouted. "I hate it when you're mad." Really I wanted another person on my side. So far its Iz, Teddy, and then Brian and AJ. Kevin I wasn't sure, he's hard to read. Howie I've overheard say it was too soon, and asking Nick was he sure.

Despite it all, Sebastian's opinion meant a lot to me. He was that close friend, more like family than my own. He was once my rock, my stabilizer when it came to all the stuff life shocks us with. Wow, I just sounded deep there hehe. Anywho, so I wanted him to approve. I really did. But honestly, something tells me, told me, that he is never going to approve. Which I can deal with. Just wish it was different. Still, he is my best friend. He needs to adjust to me dating Nick, and I need to well um take the idea that Sebastian may not like Nick. So...yeah.

"I can't lie and say I think it’s a good idea, you want honesty right."

"As long as it's not attacking."

"I'm not attacking; I'm just saying Lypsi that it’s too early to be shacking up with that rockstar of yours."

"We're not shacking up, we're dating roomies."

“And what does that mean Lypsi?”

“Just that we share a place, separate rooms and all, but we’re dating like we don’t live together. I mean you know my parents, even…after I started doing things my way; they still want to control my future. You know I couldn’t take that. Nick offered this idea because I refuse to accept my own apartment from him.”

“…I understand that. Just didn‘t expect this from you.”

Sebastian is the only person I can talk to on the phone, have one of those long silences and actually feel comfortable with it. At least we’re back on track to fixing things. Now it’s subject changing time. "So...how’s school?"

************

Going to the mall isn't what I had in mind today. Can I say that much? Lordie. Leighanne was pretty cool though. We're in the make up department of some store. I'm not one for make up, never was. The intentions were good though. I think.

"Cally, you sure you don't wanna try anything? Nick would die." I heard her say. “Sweetie you would look so fab in some of this…” Is anyone really surprised someone like Brian could marry someone so sweet and easygoing? “…you’re really cute and we can have this flatter that…” See what I mean? I know it’s a lie but she’s sweet for saying it and being all sincere about it.

I shrugged and gave a smile. "Nah, it's just not me."

“Cal’s more of the laid back type,” I heard Iz say from behind me.

“I think Nick likes that about you. All of his girls were the opposite; it’s so nice to see one who’s down to earth and sweet and all.”

I smiled sheepishly, feeling my cheeks tinge pink yet again. BLAH! “Your hubby’s fault…he started it all hehe.”

Isabel continued going through the cosmetic type things as she chattered happily with Leighanne. Knew those two loved each other. Then, well that left me stuck with Kaci. I was right to dread this outing. She was dragging me to some clothing store across the way. I let myself be dragged by the seventeen year old, trying to be nice. The girl was seventeen but acted younger, looked older so…uh huh.

"Like, you totally have to come with me Ally!"

"It's Cally."

"Ally is so much cuter though!"

"It's Cally."

"So, what do you do Ally?"

I raised a brow as she started going through clothes. Izzy, Leigh, come back! "It’s Cally.” I’m ready to have her just call me Calypso. “Do? Um I'm an artist."

"Wow I am too! A singing artist, I have like the best songs and Alex is totally going to like get me to be the opening act for the band. Oh and you need to hear how Alex and I got together."

I glance at a shirt and the clothing. Very much not my style. It was very... how do I say this while still being nice. Um, exposing? No way would I try any of this on. But I watched her go through the clothes happily. At least she's having fun. "Um, its okay Nick told me the story-"

Yeah the story about how she lied about her age so she could get a gig in some nightclub. AJ and Howie had gone out and seen her singing on stage. AJ thought she was twenty one obviously since she was up on stage. Asked her out and learned she was only seventeen and trying to break her way into the music business. It does sound a bit shady since she’s trying to get a career going, the idea of dating AJ to get herself seen and possibly a deal through him. I could be dead wrong though. I’m very new to this whole world and idea of it and all that. It’s just this vibe-y feeling I get. Man, I wasn’t sure what to expect today, but it wasn’t this.

"Nick, he's a total cutie, I totally thought of the idea of going out with him and even asked but then changed my mind and..."

Okay she did what!? "You didn't know he was dating me?"

"I did but anyways, the fans so hate me dating Alex. They keep calling me Crisco. You are so lucky management thinks you're not pretty enough to be seen dating Nick."

**********

So I got bored since Cally was out with the girls. Heh I was kind of interested in how that went. I went to AJ's where Brian already was. Guy's day out too now. I knocked and then just let myself in. No worse than AJ, he doesn't even knock. He's like that neighbor who's always bursting in on people on TV.

"Don't you knock?" I heard him ask when I found them in his living room.

"More than you do. I did not my fault your old ass didn't hear me."

Brian laughed, giving me the look. "Watch the age comments, I'm older than AJ."

"Hey all of you are turning into fogies." Who came up with the word fogies anyway? I bet AJ would know. I ain't asking cause then I'd look stupid. But he's the crazy one who'd know, I bet you anything.

"What brings you by?"

"Bored man."

AJ snickered. "We're free from the women for once. How'd the meeting go yesterday?”

"Kev told me he got a call about how you cursed him out."

"Hell yeah Nick, tell em off."

I shrugged as I hopped on the couch. "They were trying to set me up with some model for the VMAs so I told him to fuck off. Hey what song are we singing during that anyway?"

"Kevin's gonna kill ya if you don't remember what song we're singing."

I tried to think for a moment. That's right we're singing Helpless When She Smiles because Any Other Way is too new. I need something to write this shit down on. I grabbed a pen and wrote it on my arm. It works till I can buy a notepad.

“We should go out.” I’ve got a lot of energy aight? Sue me.

“What ya got in mind?”

“Hell I don’t know, your job to come up with an idea.”

“Fucken genius.”

“Fuck yeah.” I love making Brian squirm, it’s fun, you gotta try it sometime. He ain’t against cursing you’ll hear him say shit if he’s shocked, but he’s not for it either.

I heard my cell ring and checked it, and just rolled my eyes. Not what I fucking needed. She backed off for months, what could she want now? This ain’t the kind of call I was expectin’.

"That Cally calling?" I heard Brian ask and I just shook my head.

Fucking typical.

The cell read London Miffton.

**************

I don't lose my temper often but I swear I was ready to pick this Crisco girl up and make sure she fries. Thankfully Leighanne saved me. I owe Brian. Big time.

“Kaci! Cally, been looking for ya. We’re off to go get pampered at this spa.”

Iz bounced up to us behind her. “Yep, she was telling me it’s like an orgasm without the sex.”

I’m pretty sure my eyes popped out of their sockets because all three of them laughed then. I’m pretty sheltered and naïve if no one’s noticed that yet. So we headed off to the cars. I rode here with Iz but Kaci was dragging me off to her car. “We totally need to bond!”

Oh dear. So once in the car we’re going down the road and I’m pretty sure I know her life story by now.

“You should hear the stories so now I’m telling my fans what is going on with Alex-”

“Does AJ know that?” What fans? She’s not even famous yet.

“He’s totally okay with it.” Somehow I doubt that, but it’s not my life.

Umbrella by Rhianna began to play, my ears pouted while Kaci squealed and turned it up. Blah.

“Like…oh...my god! I love this song! This song is so totally brick.”

So totally huh? “Totally wha?” Speaking my mind again.

“Brick! You don’t know what that means? Oh my god Ally, Brick is the new word for cool…only…brick.”

“It’s Cally…”

Long car ride.

“You sure you don’t like Ally?! That would be so much more brick.”

Very long car ride.

"Glitz and Glamour"

Chapter Four: Avoidance…Again

London Miffton. What the hell. That heiress, she rocked my world and fucked it up all at the same time during the six months we dated. She was…well an experience. How the hell do I describe her? Look aight, I fell for her hard. I didn’t mean to, but I did. At first there was substance beyond the snotty heiress image everyone else in this world saw.

She took me in and that relationship was a damn adventure. It was very hyped, media everyone we went. We turned it into a game, how much we could get away with. I stayed true for her, heh until she cheated on me. See I had been steady and faithful for the first time. (Before Cally) Her doing that was like a bitch slap in the face. Then I got pissed and cheated back. It became a cheating war till I finally had to say maybe this should stop. I wanted to even stay friends with her despite it all, cause fuck I once really cared about her.

London couldn’t take that idea. It became her mission to destroy my world. She used make up to get some fake bruises on her. Made sure she was seen by my old place. Suddenly I’m this woman beater. People I knew couldn’t look me in the eye. Brian…even Brian had to ask if I did it. He believed me, but hell the fact he had to ask hurt like a bitch. Kevin and AJ both just told me to tell them the truth. I said I didn’t do it and they took that as enough.

Even now the media still hounds my ass about it. It’s been six months since all that shit went down. People don’t forget easy. It’ll follow my big ass forever and I didn’t even do it. So, why the fuck was she calling?

Truth time, part of me wanted to answer, am I fucking out of my God damn mind?

I ain’t answering.

And look…now I have a voicemail.

Why the fuck am I caring?

“Nick who was that…you alright?”

I stuffed the phone in my pocket. Answering would only lead to bullshit. “No one Bri, no one.”

“So come here and we’ll play cards.”

I look and around and NOW I notice something. Way to be blonde Carter. “Where’s Baylee?”

“Mom and Pop have him for the day.”

“Ahh, so you’re off for a day…and we’re here playin’ cards. You’re a fuckin thrill ride Rok.”

“Sit yo ass down already man.”

“Least I have an ass.” I swear I’m programmed to say it to AJ when he mocks me. Heh. It’s still funny as hell after all these damn years. Smirking at my friends, I hop over on the couch and sit. I ain’t gonna be thinkin’ ‘bout that phone call from the heiress from hell! Fuck her. Why should she be calling? Screeeeeeew her. Yeah, this shit ain’t buggin me or anything. What? Not convinced? Well screw you ADHD brain of mine. And I’m happy with my Cally Baby, album is doing well, we’re gonna be touring soon, why fuck it up with something like this?! Don’t be an idiot Carter, for once.

Ahem.

Yeah I ain’t crazy or anything. I’m yelling at myself in my head. And I wonder why the fellas look at me like I’m psychotic?

And now my head was back to London…it was just, a trip dating her. One phone call can bring it all back to my effed up mind…

The driver sped down the highways at speeds I don’t even do. London just giggled and I pulled her down against the seat. Windows up, you can still see the cameras flashing in the night. Looking like stars bursting hella close. Or they do when you’re drunk and a little weed is in your system. Snickering I rolled down the window as I brought London into my arms, sneaking my head lower, dying for a taste of the fruit down below. You know she never wears underwear right? It was easy access for fuck’s sake! Hehe…for fuck’s sake. I made a funny…

“Niiick I don’t need another sex tape!”

Another chuckle escaped from me. Couldn’t help it. “Why not?” My foot tapped the other switch so her window went down as well. The stalker photographers obsessed with her were frantically trying to capture the moment. My lips continued their way down her skimpy dress that teased me constantly. “We’ll show em how it’s done babe.”

Stop. Now! Fucking A! Remember me denying I’m psychotic? Heh, Bri and AJ are looking at me like I am again now. The balding tattooed man was giving me the biggest “loco mother fucker” look. A huge one. Ewwww wrong sounding. Like he has any room to talk shit about being crazy. Brian was giving me a “Lord please save Nickolas” look again. Uh oh. Aight time to stop thinking in my head with this crazy shit and say something. Or think something better. Like…ooh Cally is dancing in my head! Followed by…M&M’s and Dr. Pepper! YES!

“Nick?”

I blink and cough. Yeah I’m okay. Act natural. “Yeah…”

“Dude, you just zoned out for ten minutes, is that bleach affecting your brain again?”

I raise a brow at Jay. “Hey I ain’t the one who dyed it till it fell out. And I don’t bleach it.”

“Suuuuure just like how you don’t shave your chest hair!”

That’s when Brian started busting up. Oh he just thinks that soooo damn funny. Aight look, MTV does this thing called Diary right? Sure you watched it. Heh well before US MTV went to shit. We did it for MTV UK one time and AJ made this big thing just cause I ain’t some nasty ass grizzly man like he is and how I shave my chest hair. Which I don’t. The no ass man never lets me forget it either. Heh.

“I don’t. So what are we playing, since we’re playing cards like old ass fogies. Well you two are that so I guess we can play…is Go Fish too fast for ya?”

And THAT got an attack from Brian. He lunged and we started wrestling on the floor. Something we ain’t done since I was twenty. The man is evil! Going for my neck like that as we rolled on the plush likely expensive ass carpet. I feel my phone fall out but hell I’ll get it later. Ain’t like I’m gonna be calling London’s spoiled ass self back.

Right?

***********

Long car ride? Almost worth it.

Only almost.

“Allly! Like come on!”

She says that one more time and I promise I’ll hide the body from AJ once I’m done. He’ll never know. Really! Once out of the car we head inside to this swanky place, and thankfully cause none of the guys are with us, they didn’t recognize Leighanne. She’s done dabbling in acting, but not famous except by association with Brian. Which is okay with her, cause she has Baylee. Who is adorable. I wanna baby-sit again hehe. I haven’t since that time with Nick actually.

By the time I stop rambling in my thoughts, I’m lying on the massage table. Oh so you know, if this is what the others say it is… maybe the sex thing is all it’s cracked up to be. Once I’m ready anyway. I think. I know Nick is ready. Boy do I know. But he knows it’s too soon, at least for me. But it’s not easy for me to think about. Cause I think too much. Obviously. So yeah, the whole sex thing… Um…moving on! Anywho, massage? It felt so good. Oh my Lordie did it. Thankfully Izzy grabbed me and pulled me to her car afterwards. I wave to Leighanne, who came over and pulled me into a big hug. I blink, hugging her back with surprise. She just gave me a smile. “You’re the best thing to happen to Nick sweetie, and if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Um…thanks.”

“I know it’s weird dating someone in this group, I’ve been there so if you need help, just call.”

Smiling I hugged her again. She was like that big older sister I wish mine could be sometimes. “Thanks, that means a bunch.” And it did. See, basic rule I’ve learned, Littrells are awesome all the way.

Iz and I hopped in her car and I immediately dug out her pop mix cd. She started up the car and we sped out of the parking lot and were soon on the highway. “So…what’d you think of it?”

The look she gave me cracked me up, a look of both ‘Are You Kidding Me?” and annoyed frustration all rolled into one. Who knew that was possible. Go Iz! “Girl she’s lucky we weren’t that close to each other. What did she say to you? You look peeved.”

“It’s nothing big Iz, I’m all good.” Soon we just kinda listened to this new Backstreet Boy song of all things, called “Inconsolable”, and it’s a pretty catchy pop tune. I like it. But yeah, we listened and just kinda watched my apartment. Hehe, my apartment, so cool to even say. After the pretty song ended, I gave her a hug and headed indoors. Of course, after another wave at Iz, who I know would love to kill Kaci already. See me? Trying to be more patient. I mean, she is new to dating an FOI-er as I am. Which I can get, it’s just comfuzzling. And some of the things she said really bugged me.

When management said they didn’t want the world knowing we’re dating, I convinced myself it was simply because I wasn’t trying to break in the business or already in it. So that they get can get more media attention off of it. By they I mean Jive Records of course. So…yeah. When she flat out said it was because I wasn’t what Hollywood wanted for the perfect image of Nick Carter, bad rockstar with some Barbie clone at his side, it stung. I know I told Nick lets go along with it when it first came up, that it wouldn’t hurt.

Wasn’t that just smart? Anywho, yeah, the blunt Kaci saying that management thought was too ugly burned. A lot. It can make any girl wonder right? I think so. Wonder about lots of troublesome random thoughts that can make a girl like me all rambly.

Like, is Nick ashamed of me?

No. Remember, he was mad about the idea of hiding me, when it first came up.

What about when, yes I say when, when we’re not hiding our relationship? Don’t forget about how the paparazzi evil people can be. Don’t forget your first interaction with them Cally Rayne! Over at The Grove, and all the snarky-ness that followed.

Is it all worth it? Hunchy vibes are telling me that no matter what Nick’s label wants, it’s going to come out. Only natural and we do live together. And that’s when the craziness will combust. It’s like…I want to and yet I don’t. My own issues are fighting it, and my heart says yes. Because my heart loves Nick, even if I haven’t said the three words yet. I do love him.

So…I guess it is worth it right? Oh Lordie.

I’m just…scared, and unprepared. Is that normal?

Hard to ask since no one I know is like me and dating a rockstar. There’s Leighanne, but she’s more outgoing and just yeah. There’s Howie’s Leigh (who I think he’ll propose to soon), but she’s not as all insecure-y like me. Plus Howie is still iffy on me, pretty sure at least. Kaci…no. Kevin’s Kristin? I don’t know her that well yeah. So I’m on my own.

I head to my room to see if I can decorate it better. Artist eyes and all hehe. Plus all my stuff is in boxes. I pull out the album that exposed my art. That check by the way is in a nice little savings account. Unpacking stinks. And seriously, I need to paint this room. The bland cream colored walls are going to drive me loopy! My Lordie. They need color, pizzazz! Something. My art school brochures were out at least. I’m trying to stay in the country, but I have to admit Italy has some really good choices. I can’t leave Nick though, we just got together. Okay, just…find a school in the country, ignore other options. Oh forget it. Just decorate.

Besides, my head is a mess, and this needs to be all avoided now. You’d think I’d learn when it came to avoidance right? It doesn’t solve anything, and it leaves you all unprepared for what’s to come because you’ve been running from it.

Bad time to forget that.

“Glitz and Glamour”

Chapter 5: I’m Coming Out

I guess you can say the surprise came about a week after that outing with the girls. Calm week, watching and listening to interviews Nick was doing. He’s had to fly around the country a ton this past week too. Me? I’ve been reworking this apartment, ooh excuse me, condo. (Nick gets sooooo bratty when I call it an apartment and he corrects it all quicky lately). Speaking of Nick, am I the only one who’s seen him acting a bit weird? And I mean for his standards. He’s spacier than usual which I never thought possible. Then again, he has been traveling a lot and working hard. That’s probably why, poor Squishy. Maybe I can try and cook him something tonight for when he comes back.

I’ve had this place looking better. I haven’t seen him much and he hasn’t seen the apartment, but I took some time and repainted the living room. Yeah, I made Teddy and Izzy help me haha. Now instead of that blaaaaaand cream color, I had this really neat looking design. See I did the painting, Iz and Teddy helped cover/move all the furniture. So now we had this very neat blending wave design of blues and greens, and you can almost feel like you’re in the ocean. Took me two days to get done really. It’s actually pretty, and I know it sounds weird. I’m a painter not a writer, so it’s hard to describe. But since my favorite color is blue and Nick’s is green I went ahead and redecorated a bit. Nick had said when he first showed it to me when he first bought the place to go ahead and make it my own.

I had my sketch book with me on the couch in said living room, trying to figure out what to do with my room. I had one of the living room in there already. Which by the way, the living room isn’t done. The painting is, but since I’m going for an ocean style and we don’t have everything in there yet, it would be neat to see if we can get some like…what’s the word? Little display thingies to help the effect. I don’t know. I just hope Nick likes it since all I told him was that I was going to spice up the place.

I heard the phone ring and I lunged for it, and almost fell off the couch, again. I look at the phone and answer, seeing it’s Teddy. And of course, I sing as I answer. Would I be me if I didn’t? “Just a small town girl…living in a lonely world…“ Classic. Come on, someone other than me must know this song.

“I like that song.”

“And you say I answer the phone weird.”

“Well you do, but I love you anyway.”

“I’m bored, entertain me.”

“I thought you were looking up art schools.”

I stretch as I shift the phone onto speaker so I don’t have to keep it on my ear. “Yeah I know, but it’s just the whole thing is scary and I might go with Nick on tour and…”

“You’re avoiding it sweetie. I thought this is what you want?”

Damn Teddy, why must he make sense? Shrugging, well before remembering he can’t see me I kind of made my way to the kitchen. “Well I am, it’s just, I dunno. I’m not big on change, never have been. Doesn’t make me avoidy.”

“You know Sebastian would be saying the same.”

“Yeah, yeah…I know.” And I did, and I just, yeah I hate change. Even with everything happening in the past couple months, I never liked it. But bleh. I hate it when my boys are right. And they always are.

“So what about it?”

“I’m trying to just get used to everything. I might end up going along on tour at least for part of it. And no one knows I’m dating Nick yet…well public wise, so I’m…blah! Teddy it’s just I gotta get used to one change before the next.”

“Can’t avoid it all forever dear.”

Don’t I know it?

*********

I am getting so damn sick of lying for management. Yeah yeah after I exploded I haven’t done it yet. I know they’re gonna find some way to try and cover anything I do with Cally. Two weeks since the meeting I had with the bastard and I ain‘t changed nothing yet. We’re on TV yet a-fucking-gain. This was supposed to be our week off before the VMAs. Heh. And oh oh oh! Here’s the question again!

“How’s it feel being single again?”

“Lovin’ it, the ladies do too, cause it means when they’re rockin I might come a knockin’” Smirk here, listen to screams, do a small wink that’s not like the Howie wink. Turn, smile and laugh. And we’re done. Heaven forbid we get asked about the damn music right? And you know my girlfriend is going to see that, and I ain’t liking it. I also just got another call from London. Which I ain’t answered yet, but now I’m getting texts from her too. She must want something. She ain’t the chasin’ type.

After the interview we all head into the van while the limo tricks fans into following it thinking we’re in there. Nope. And we’re on the road, as our drivers drive this huge ass van that fits all of us plus a big, beefy, could kill me in a minute, bodyguard. Damn. Kevin is on the phone with Kristen, Brian is trying to work out a few chords out on his guitar for a song he’s been trying to write. Howie’s trying to change to station from System of a Down to…whoa what the fuck? What is this shit?! Spanish rap? Great music in a language I ain’t ever gonna know (I can barely do English) going hella fast that even if I did know it, I still ain’t gonna understand it.

The van ain’t even moving. God dammit. I hate fucking traffic. Anyway, AJ’s…

“Stuck in traffic…“

“Stuck in traffic…“ Ooh I can bug the guys with AJ.

“We are living in hell…we are stuck in traffic…”

“Traffic…” I’m bored…and I can’t get a fucking signal.

“We’ve been doing dumb innnnteeerviews..”

“Dumb interviews…”

“We lost the fans and now we’re stuck in traffic…”

“Stuuuuuck in traffic…”

Whoa…AJ and I got a double glare. Howie and Kevin. A new record! Only forty seconds. Smirking and snickering I changed the station again. “Well fuck we’re bored and…”

Jay jumped in singing. “Stuuck in traffic.”

Kevin did something I didn’t expect, he actually started chuckling. Did I just do some freaky ass Star Trek shit where Kevin ain’t anal? (I love the man like a brother but it’s true). He shakes his head, still laughing. “Y’all I ain’t liking being stuck in LA traffic either but you don’t see me singing.”

Howie smirks, with Brian still playing with his guitar. He must be trying to work a kink out. “Kev, we’d have a stroke if you started acting like these two.”

Finally my sidekick can get a damn signal. Fucking technology, I’m a damn addict even when the shit don’t work. I’ve had enough of management, me threatening shit and doing nothing. Fuck it. I’m taking my girl out and you best believe I’m gonna show her the best damn time of her life. Seriously. I’ve had enough and I’m gonna show her a hella good time. Ya know?

******

As I’m talking to Teddy, Sebastian called. So I had the phone on three way as I danced to Disease by Matchbox 20. One of the greatest songs they had, I might add. Can you tell I’m a music lover? Maybe it’s not shocking I’m dating a musician…

“Cally…”

“Lyspi…”

“What, y’all don’t like matchbox 20? So what if I’m sliding along the kitchen floor in socks trying to imitate Tom Cruise before he went batshit crazy?” Which I totally was. Wheee!

“Well damn Lyspi why can’t you ever do that when I’m there?” He’s being pretty good about not harping on the Nick thing. I can tell he’s holding back.

“I’ll do it when you’re here for my birthday. You, me, Teddy, Izzy…dates…we can cause some chaos.”

“Isn’t Nick on tour around your birthday?”

“Um well I’ll make it work, I’ll plan something.” Eeek!

The phone beeped again, and me, thinking it was Iz, connected it to the phone conference. And…it wasn’t.

Can we say oops?

Maybe oh shit fits better. Lordie I’ve been around my squishy too much.

*******

Stuck in traffic, surrounded by the fellas, and even Brian’s going stir crazy now. He and AJ are singing 99 bottles of Squirt on the wall. (Not beer, Jay had rehab…so we remixed the song. Flames Of Ice logic aight?). So I’m calling Cally after making a few other phone calls to make sure my wicked awesome ass idea will work out aight. It ain’t nothing complicated, but I do gotta make sure I got my VIP room all set up and shit.

I heard the phone pick up…and three voices answer. What the fuck?

“Yo…” That voice sounds familiar. In some annoying way.

“Hello?” That one’s new.

“Heeeeey Heeeey baby…I wanna knooow if you’ll be my girl.” And what other girl sings when she answers the phone. That’s my baby.

“Uhh…Cally Baby…?”

“Shit! Oh my god, oh my Lordie…” I’m taking she didn’t check the phone before answering. Holy shit the van’s moving! It’s a god damned miracle! And it stopped again. Fucking LA!

68 bottles of Squirt on the wall…68 bottles of Squirt! Take one down; pass it around…67 bottles of Squirt on the wall…67 bottles of Squirt on the wall…67 bottles of Squirt! Take one down; pass it around…66 bottles of Squirt on the wall…

When you hear Kevin and Howie singing with AJ and Bri, you can tell we’ve been stuck on the damn fucking highway too long.

“Is this Nick?”

“Sebby shush!”

“Um…this is weird.”

“Cally?” I ask again, thinking she must’ve thought I was Isabel and was adding me to the friends chat she was having. And one of those would be the asshole best friend of hers. Didn’t like him last time…still don’t now.

“Hey Squishy! Um Sebby you’ve met Nick…Teddy…Teddy say hi so he knows your voice. Sheesh.”

“Um…hellooo…” Aight then.

“Yo.”

*********

Oh boy. What am I doing? This is weird. Totally my fault. I should’ve checked the phone and now things are totally weird and I’m getting bossy with my boys. (Well Teddy and Sebby) Why? So I don’t say something stupid to my best friends or my boyfriend. Why must all meetings happen on a phone? It’s how I met Nick to begin with. And I just got quiet with them all on the line.

“Hey.”

“Okay I’m sorry Nick I know this is totally weirdy…Sebastian, Teddy, I’ll talk to you guys later.”

“Later Lypsi.” Click. Okay, not as bad as it could’ve been.

“Nice sort of meeting you Nick. Byeeee Calypso!” Click.

Whoo. Bezels, that was just wow. Odd. Weird. Scary. “Nick?”

I hear him chuckle and I smile, knowing he’s not annoyed or anything. “Still here baby, that Teddy is…”

“Weird I know. I love his gay behind anyway. So…what’s…”

I pause then, because I’m hearing something totally crazy in the background. Well maybe not-yes actually crazy. Even for Nick and anyone in his life. And that says a lot…well cause yeah. It’s squishy.

63 bottles of Squirt on the wall…63 bottles of Squirt! Take one down; pass it around…62 bottles of Squirt on the wall…

“Is that…”

“We’ve been stuck in traffic for fucking ever!”

“Hey is that your girl bro? Hi Calypso! I still think she has the most fucking bad ass name.”

“Tell AJ I say hi. Ooh and Brian.”

“Calypso says yo!”

I laugh at how he translates that. He’s such a dork, but it’s why I love him. “I’ve missed you. ACK Babyface!” The lizard was humping my leg not even five seconds ago. Before I shook his scaly butt off. You can definitely tell who his owner is.

“What’d he do?”

“Umm…never mind! So what’s up?”

I can almost hear that grin in his voice as I lean on the counter, playing with some strands of hair falling out of my very messy bun. I keep eyeing my ocean styled handiwork on the wall. So pretty, and some of my best hehe.

“Get dressed in what you think are your sexiest clothes.”

Okay, that deserves a huh? My brow rises at that one. “Um…why?”

“Cause I’m taking you out. Fuck anyone seeing us. Fuck management. I have the perfect place and we’re going to live it up dammit. I know you ain’t 21 but fuck if Aaron can get in places at 17, I can get you in with me. They ain’t gonna say no to me. We’re going out. No worries Cally Baby, you’ll love it. I’ll be there as soon as we escape this fucking traffic. Bye baby!”

Click. What? Nick is what? He decides to surprise me with what?! I’m not ready! I can’t be all seen by the media yet! Ahhh!

And here’s where I say it. Jezel my bezels.

**********

A couple hours, changing four times before he gets home, and basically having a freak out….I’m now in a car with Nick. In his prized BMW actually. Which, for rambly not important information, is a lot cooler after he got it remodeled after he crashed it. (Remember? When him and I first started being friends and yeah.) We parked off in the distance along the sidewalks of downtown Los Angeles. Not a place you’ll see someone like me very often, yet Nick knows where he’s going. I’m not paying much attention to the music as he drove. Once parked I can feel my heart just about spazzing like a chinchilla on speed having a stroke.

The air is cool, especially for August. But it is nighttime so it’s not that odd right? I shivered a bit cause of my clothes. (Not THAT revealing! Lordie! ) They just weren’t all warm. I feel Nick’s arm wrap around me, glancing up to see his warm happy go lucky grin be directed back at me. Guess he senses my chill, but it’s not all cause of the cool breeze blowing.

“You’re aight with this right?”

Nodding, I try to smile. “Yeah, no worries.”

“You sure? After this, we ain’t gonna have privacy, and the paparazzi are gonna find us tonight.”

“I know.”

“We’re gonna have wild ass fun baby, I’m sick of not showing you off.” He squeezed me close to him as we approach Mood, which is one of Nick’s favorite clubs in Hollywood. We haven’t been spotted yet. Pretty sure I hear my heart pounding like a bongo drums. Eep.

“I’m good, promise.” What can I say? I knew this would happen eventually. Where our dates aren’t so secret, where I will have to be seen in public so people can remind me how I don’t deserve Nick. So, I’m trying to go with the flow, be optimistic. Sound calm.

To quote the Beatles, best band ever…

Obladi, Oblada, life goes on…

Right?

“Glitz and Glamour”

Chapter 6: Getting the Party Started

I can feel Cally shiver as we got to the club. I picked Mood cause I know she’d dig the setting as artsy as she is. I know she’s sayin’ she’s aight, but damn I know my girl. She’s hella nervous. Looking hella fine, but nervous. She tugged on her long sweatshirt styled thing that chicks wear. Had a hood, short sleeves, but was like a hoodie. Black and all snug, with oil type rainbow color designs on it. It made her curves stand out to me, and I keep staring. Fuck it’s a tease. A good one. Hugging her close we got closer and I can see the flashes from the cameras. There’s the paparazzi. I glance into my baby’s gorgeous blue eyes; framed by the glasses she hates…I see the fear. Shit.

“Let’s do it another night.”

“I’m okay Nick.”

“You’re lyin baby. I said we don’t gotta do this ya know.”

Then she got a random ass burst of energy and starts walking towards them again. Damn she’s stubborn. So we head to the club and there they are. We’ll be on TMZ tomorrow morning, or fuck later tonight if they ain’t lazy. I pull her close to me as we walk up to the bouncer, used to the damn blinding flashes going off around us.

“Nick! Who you with?”

I smirk a bit, keeping her close to me. “My girl man.” Play the game, if you give em something they leave you the hell alone later. I can feel her shift all uneasy like. The cameras are definitely on us, people are pounding questions as others in this business use the chance to get by so their shit ain’t stinkin up on TMZ.

“Your girlfriend? How long you been dating?”

“Nick isn’t that the Calypso girl you’ve been denying dating for months?!”

“How does London feel about this?”

I blinked. “London? What the hell does she got to do with this?”

“She’s been talking about wanting you back. Does she know you’re dating someone?”

“Calypso, is Nick really the asshole of a boyfriend everyone says he is?”

She stepped back, a bit unsure how to handle this. I love her shyness. Shit, she’s getting scared. Smiling, the Cally baby tried to adjust her ponytail. Big sign she ain’t sure what to do. Fuck I need to get us inside. “Um, no Nick’s a great boyfriend…” And now she’s answering another question I didn’t hear. They better not hurt her.

“Calypso! How long you been dating?”

“Um…about three months?” Easy baby, show fear and they go all Jaws on ya. Shit maybe she ain’t ready. Aight, this shit is hella old. We should be getting inside already.

“What do you do?”

“I’m…I’m an artist.” Her gaze shifts to the ground as I keep my arm snug around her.

“Nick, ain’t this a downgrade for you? After London…” Fucking shit-monkeys! At that Cally did try to pull away and bolt. Fuck. More cameras keep flashing and she looks like a beautiful but freaked deer in the headlights. I give her an I’m Sorry look cause that shit wasn’t cool and I know this ain’t easy. My lips meet hers gently. Fuck them; let them take pictures of us kissing. Screw Jive. I don’t give a damn. After a few whistles and shit ruining it, I pull away, hugging her close as I guide her with me to the bouncer. This shit needs to end. Fucking assholes. So I flip em off too. I don’t give a damn. Mike nodded at me as we come up to him. He’s this huge ass gorilla type dude. Dark tan skin, black hair, big ass muscles, and mean looking black eyes. Looks fierce. He’s cool though. I used to be a regular here.

“Hey Nick.”

“Mike, hey dawg.”

“Haven’t seen you in awhile.”

I grin, cause I gotta show Calypso off. “Been with my girl man.”

“Hi.” She said hella quiet. Too quiet. She got rattled by that mob scene back there. Damnit. I tugged her French braid playfully and that got me both a swat and a smile. Worth it.

“Hey I’m Mike.”

“I’m Calypso, but call me Cally.”

“Oooh, you as wild as a goddess?”

I chuckle as she laughs as well. Good to see her relaxing just a little. Fucking paparazzi should be shot. “Man I gotta be wild enough for the both of us.”

Mike moved aside and let us start going in. I let Cally go in ahead as he tapped my arm. I leaned over. Knew this was coming. “Yo, Nick, how old is she? She looks kinda young.”

I shrugged. I ain’t ashamed of how young she is. This ain’t that bad in Hollywood, like I’ve said. “Almost 19. But she’ll be with me man…”

“I ain’t worried bro, I won’t be saying anything. Hell Aaron’s made his way in here before and he’s 17. I was just makin’ sure you aren’t robbing any cradles. Word is AJ is…”

“Nah I’m not, thanks man.”

With that, we finally got our asses inside the club.

*************

Lots of lights flashing. Outside and inside. Holy Lordie. That, that that just happened outside? Freaky much? They just…keep pounding all these questions at you. And then one has the nerve to remind us that I’m not up to Nick’s normal girlfriend standards. I, I don’t know if I can keep doing this sort of thing. Maybe I can’t. Just wow. But I have to right? This stuff is Nick’s job, and his job is literally his life. So what can I do? I’m just going to have to roll with it. Something I’m not very good at. Okay Cally, breathe. Slowly. In and out. In. Out. In. Out. Whoo. Okay. I think I’m alright now. I think.

So anywho, I need to just, not think about it. Lights were flashing around the club too. There was this neat like Buddhist style décor to it. Yet modernized. I kinda liked it. Bet that’s why Nick picked here. The dork, he knows me pretty well doesn’t he? Bodies were up against each other writhing on the dance floor to the beat as Nick kept hold of my hand and lead me to the back. VIP section. Few noticed us slip by and we ended up in a more secluded area. It had dim lighting, a couch off to the side, and it’s own bar. Several others like Tommy Lee (who Nick idolizes musically and is friends with) or Lindsey Lohan were in here as well. I know I’ve said I don’t keep up with the whole celebrity thing. And I didn’t, but since dating Nick, by keeping up with him, I’ve learned about others. Which is good since I’m kinda living in this whole tabloid world right? A neat techno styled dance song was thumping through the club. I think it’s by a boyband, good song either way.

Up here above the haze…everything looks so clear…wondering what it would be like if you were here…

Nick pulls me against him on the dance floor in this area. I start pulling away when he looks at me. Oh no. Puppy dog pouty eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Um..” I bite my lip. “I don’t dance…”

He giggled a bit softly, kissing my forehead softly. His ocean eyes are twinkling. I…I just don’t get sometimes why he likes me so much. “No problem baby, just relax and move with me.”

And time…takes time…but I can’t wait…to tell you how I feel…

I shake my head. I’ve gotten better but still. Lordie I do have limits. I’m not that bold or brave. “I’m gonna look stupid.”

“Nah, you ain’t gonna look stupid. And if anyone thinks so, fuck em.”

Pulling me close, his body moved against mine to the beat. Awkward as all heck, I try to do the dame, letting my body just flow to the music. To my surprise, especially since it’s more a pop song, Nick started singing along with the music.

“You’re my calm when my world is crashing…my heart my blood my passion…”

Laughing I raise a brow at him. “You know this song.” I felt myself move with more ease as we dance. Nick, when he sings, just has this effect on me. It soothes and yet sends neat little shivers down my spine. Hehe wow.

“Hell baby I even like it.”

What the heck I guess right? Nick’s hands travel down to my hips, resting there to help guide me as we keep dancing to the beat. I can feel myself warm up as his lips begin to move along my neck. I sing now, more out of nervousness at all the things I’ve done today that I just…I don’t normally do. Cally doesn’t do change people. And…wow that feels good. Nick is such a brat.

“Hold me close when it all goes crazy…”

I can hear Nick whisper against my neck. Ooh more chills. “And through it all you’ll be my baby…” His tongue starts attacking next as his hands start exploring again. Um. Oh boy. I’m not sure what to do here. Uh oh. Um, when in doubt, pull away!

Why…why…tell me why…why…you’re everything but mine…

I give Nick an apologetic look. Even I know I’m being the biggest tease in existence. To us both. But um yeah. I know, I do love him. I just, it’s only been three and a half months, we already live in the same place… I’m not ready to go all that far yet. This leads to that far doesn’t it? And then those paparazzi did mention some girl named London. I wonder if he meant London Miffton, that snobby heiress. “I need something to drink.”

“I’ll get it Cally…I-”

I shake my head; he can’t apologize for what I lead on. It would be wrong right? I head to the bar, asking for a tea. That way they don’t card me. The bartender didn’t say much. I got my tea and took a sip. Pretty sure my eyes got wide, wow that tasted weird. Good, but weird.

“This doesn’t taste like iced tea…” I wondered out loud. Maybe the guy made a mistake? The music is loud in here.

“It’s from Long Island.”

Um…okay then.

********

Aight so my not so little Little Nicky down there is suffering. I know you ain’t liking hearing that but it’s the damn truth. I know Cally didn’t mean to. Hell I know how she is and get where she’s coming from. But damn this is a guy who can get groupie sex anytime he wants to and constantly had girlfriends. Sex is something I ain’t used to not having. I’ve tried all the role plays, the tricks, positions, you name it. But, damn every time something was missing. It seemed off somehow. And this shit is gonna make me sound like a damn sap, but I bet it won’t be missing if I ever have sex with Cally. Right now I’m chilling on the couch they have here in VIP, watching everyone else dance. Cally is getting her iced tea. But damn how long does that shit take? I let her take her time, knowing she felt bad and awkward. I keep an eye on her though, like any good boyfriend would. Seems aight. After over half an hour she comes over giggling like crazy. Well, it’s good to see her more relaxed now.

I think.

“Hiiiiiiiii Squishy!” She calls out, almost falling on me. I stood hella quick to catch her before she does fall. Shit. No. She can’t be. Can she? No, c’mon, this is Cally. Still… hell no, it’d never happen.

“Hey baby.” Whoa. Hands in places her hands ain’t normally going. This is new. I’m liking this. I should be loving this. Why ain’t I loving this? “Baby, are you okay?”

“I’m fiiiiiiiiine! I just looooove those…those…” Wavering, she almost lost her balance again. I move to keep her standing.

“Those what?” She can’t be.

“Those Loooooooong Island peoples! They suuuuure know hows to make good teaaa!”

Oh fucking shiteaters. Calypso Rayne was drunk beyond reason. That shit is something I’d never thought I’d say. Hot damn. Bartender gave her Long Island Iced teas, and Cally, not knowing better, drank em.

“Oh yeah baby? I think it’s time we go home.”

Tongue in the ear! Tongue in the ear! How the hell does she know what I like when she’s drunk? Shit she moved to the neck. I need to move and get her out of here. Damnit Nick move! Am I fucking moving yet? Damn. Finally my legs work and I start trying to guide her to the backdoor where any famous person sneaks out without being seen by the stalkers we call paparazzi. Last thing I need is for them to see her drunk. Fuck if they did it’d be news tomorrow. Her parents would have a fucking stroke. We’re all adults but I don’t wanna deal with that shit. Neither will she. And she ain’t gonna want it all over the damn place.

“But whyyyyyyyy? I think me likes it here.”

“I’m tired baby.” I keep guiding her out. Her hands are moving. Oh hot damn. That feels hella good. Fuck, I’m only human! A man no less. I have weaknesses. Fuuuuuck. I make myself move again and finally get her to the car.

I know alcohol lowers inhibition (yes big word for me) type shit but damn. Is this what Cally’s been wanting to do but been scared to? I ain’t even gonna think about it. It’ll just torture the hell out of me. There’s just something about this innocent, naïve artsy girl that gets to me in some way no other chick has. Buckling her and myself in, I drive my way back to the house.

The entire damn way she keeps trying to do shit in my lower region and upper. Now how the hell do I stay strong? Once we get to the apart-I mean condo. (Damn she has me calling it an apartment now.), I pick her up, carrying her upstairs. I had a flashback to the last time I carried her in my place, that night after stargazing.

This time she’s still awake though. “Niiiiick…” She moans….and odd enough it turned me on even more. I need help. She ungracefully sits up in my arms and starts going for my sensitive ass neck again. I like it. It can‘t hurt, she‘s my girlfriend. It feels good…

Until she said this.

“I gottttttta be the girl you want me to be. Like yoooour odder guuuurls.”

I sigh. Damn. I would feel like shit for taking advantage of this. Damn conscience. I have to be a good man to her. Any other girl…well I ain’t proud but yeah, I’d do it. I carry her to her room, leaving the living room lights off, where I was going to put her till she said that.

“Baby you are the girl I want you to be.”

“I’m nooot.”

I kiss her softly, setting her on the bed. Then I started pulling off her shoes. “Yes you are, now get some sleep for me okay?”

I saw her nod. Thank god. I can only be so strong. I covered her with one of her blankets before heading over to the door.

“Night Cally Baby.”

“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiights Squisheeeeey!”

I shut the door behind me. A cold shower isn’t even the beginning of what I have to do to calm myself down. This ain’t what I’d normally do in this situation, even with a girlfriend I cared about. It freaked me the fuck out. Having feelings, dating, having boyfriend/girlfriend titles is one thing. This shit was another and different.

Damn. Can I be in love with this girl?

No. It’s early as hell for that. And I don’t do real love. I do relationships, and I do girlfriends, and I even do relationships I know can be serious. Like with Cally. And I do anything to protect those I care about, which is why I guard Cally the way I have. But I don’t go into real love. (Cally don’t know that, and I feel bad by not saying what I think of real love) That’s opening yourself up for bullshit and pain. So that can’t be it.

Then…what am I doing?

“Glitz and Glamour”

Chapter Seven: The Morning After

Major, major headache. Wow. Oooh and light. Ow. Ow ow ow. Okay, not liking that at all. Bleh, yeah, bed? You’re my new bestest buddy right now. Because that’s totally where I’m staying. I feel like poopy. Then, as I decide this, comes a knocking, which sounds more like bombs going off right next to me.

Knock. KABOOM!

And now my head is throbbing like crazy, even more now. (Yes I am now pouting.) But I know who it had to be, and I can’t just say go away or anything like that. I mean I can but hellooo he’s my boyfriend who cares about me bunches and wants to check on me and all that jazz. I know I’ve gotten better about not giving in, but it’s Nick, and I never said I was a hundred percent there yet and…I’m rambling again.

“C’mon in.”

And so he did, still having a tousled head of golden bed hair, a sneaky smile resting on his face. My eyes close, because that light hurts and is starting to bug me more. That hurts, my head hurts, and my tummy is all queasy. Just…make it all go away. Did I catch something last night? It did have an early chill. Weather being wonky and all since it’s only August. Last thing I really remember is Nick getting me to dance inside the club crazily enough. He does help me get bold, even if I don’t tell him how nervous that can make me at times. The rest? Total blur. Oh well, I trust Nick. I just wish he’d shut that darn door so I can open my eyes a little more without going blind or making my head feel all explode-y.

Finally it does shut. Yay!

“How ya feeling Cally baby?”

Ugh. Bleh. Ick. Uck. Meh… “Must you yell…it hurts.”

“Baby I wasn’t yelling.”

“Oh.” Felt like it. “I feel siiiiiiick.” I get so sulky when I feel crappy. Well… it does suck!

He sat beside me on the bed, giving me enough comfort so I can let my eyes close yet again. I feel his hand stroking my face gently, soothing me to a very inviting idea of sleep. His other hand held a thermos however, and I could hear his fingers tapping against it idly. “Not sick.”

“Yes sick.” I’m comfuzzled, how is he saying I’m not sick? I so am.

“Hella hung over.”

He set the thermos on the nightstand as I sat up abruptly at the comment. Way way too quick I might add. Whoa. Uh. Um. Uh oh. I know Nick saw my face suddenly turn his favorite color because he dashed for the trashcan by my bed. Holding it quickly for me, I ended up tossing my cookies in within seconds of that. Yuck. Once done my mouth tasted nasty and I just wanted to crawl back under my comfy blue and yellow blankets. He just rubbed my back and held back my hair from my face. Once done, he handed me the water bottle from beside my bed and I took a swig to get that bleh out of my mouth.

“Hung over?” Yeah I just now remember why I sat up so quickly to begin with.

“Yeah, bartender gave you Long Island Iced teas, hella filled with alcohol baby.”

“Oh…” And here is where Cally feels totally naïve, childlike, and stupid. Almost nineteen years old and I don’t know that? And I live in LA? Plus my boyfriend is famous? Yeah. I should crawl under a rock. Damn and now I’m turning red. That’s it, staying in bed forever. Forever. FOR-EV-ER. (Tell me you’ve seen Sandlot…never mind) Does explain why I’m not in my pajamas though.

“Here, drink this.” He said, remembering the thermos again, handing me it ever so gently. I can see the concern in his eyes, nice feeling. Taking the lid off and the smell of that…stuff attacks my poor nose as it fills my senses. That smells…well odd. I glance at Nick, who’s still watching me as if I’m somehow interesting. I still don’t get how I am to him. Oh lordie, if I got drunk (even accidentally…) just what did I do? And oh, oh, oh Lordie…did any media catch it. Oh now I feel sicker.

“So what is in this stuff?” Act calm and natural. Come on, you’re not that over rambly nervous girl anymore, at least not vocally.

“A hangover remedy. Howie’s mom used to make it for me and Jay. Gave me the recipe a couple years ago. Before warning me if she found me drunk again she’d go Puerto Rican on me.”

“Hehe…still doesn’t answer my question you know.”

“Trust me Cally Baby, you don’t wanna know. Ya drink it in one gulp, no stopping. But you’ll feel better in an hour. Saved me way more damn times than I can count.” He kisses me gently, and despite my icky feeling for the day, it deepened sweetly before hands began to travel, and I’m the one to pull away again, feeling a bit odd. He stood as I shook that off. Nick is cute when he’s all in caring mode.

“I gotta go to rehearsal since we’re tourin’ soon. I’ll be back later Cal, and I’ll be taking you out.”

“Out where?”

“You’ll see.”

“Aww come on.”

“Nope.”

“Tease.”

And there’s that smirk again. “Yup, and ya love it.” And with that, he leaves the room. Soon after I can hear the door shut, and moments later, his beloved BMW pulling away. I took another whiff of the drink before me. Oh… my. But I felt so bad, because he made it because he cares about me. I should drink it. But um, yeah, it’s a read and creamy type color, lumpy looking, and not the most appealing thing to swallow. Still, pinching my nose, I lifted the thing and downed the concoction in one gulp.

Oh bezel my ever loving jezels.

I let my eyes shut, wishing away the beyond terrible taste in my mouth. Just what was in that stuff?

Never mind.

A yawn escapes me and I let myself just doze away, but not for long. Less than an hour really. I turn on the TV across from me after my catnap, still feeling lazy, only to see the entertainment news. Oh joy.

‘Nick Carter and new girlfriend Calypso were seen at Mood nightclub last night. Rumors are swirling of her getting out of control that night. Also that he may be sneaking around on her already with heiress socialite London Miffton. And who can blame him when you compare the two? Really as his former-”

Okay, TV is off. Bad idea. London Miffton, isn’t she that annoying heiress famous for nothing but the phrase “That’s Hot”? Why would they say there are rumors of those two? I know he’s not doing that. But rumors start somewhere…and she is so pretty even I have to say it. Cally, it’s a media rumor. Forget it.

Well, I do feel better, so yay. Let’s try the computer. Yes, I’m curious. Wouldn’t you be? This whole thing is still so new to me. And even if Livedaily is full of crazy fans with too much time on their hands, I still get curious as to what they say. Especially since last night we finally decided to let the public actually see us on one of our dates and not try to hide it under a guise of friendship. So as I click onto the message board, the phone rings as usual. Expecting it to be Izzy or Sebastian, I answer.

“Yes Iz I did go out to the club, for once the news is a little legit-” I start before she can, knowing what she’d say.

But remember, I’m anything but perfect, and like always, I’m wrong.

“Calypso Lynn Rayne! So what I heard on the news today about you going around all drunk and stupid with that idiot rockstar manwhore of a boyfriend of yours-”

Oh my god.

Holy Lordie.

“Blossom?”

My perfect sister. She, the one I’ve always been told to be like. The one who can do it all. She, the beautiful and gorgeous sister compared to my fair plainer and way more ordinary looks. I know I’m not ugly. I knew before Nick, and Nick loves to remind me everyday who he loves how I look and everything about me. But even so, I’m still not spectacular. She, Blossom Dawn Rayne (well now Cartella since she got married) was always in my life as the example of what I could never be but what I should have been. And I didn’t like reminders of that anymore, because I know what I can be and what I’ll shine at. In trying to get sooooo far away from that, I don’t talk to her as much I admit. She’s also, the annoying second mother figure. One was enough. I love my sister, but I can admit our relationship isn’t the best. Not as bad as say me or Johnny D though.

“Yes Cally, I was calling to check on you when mom gave me this number, telling me how you were shacking up with that no good rockstar of yours.”

“He…he’s more than just a rockstar.”

“More? Yeah more things that can help ruin you.”

“No. And I-I-I’m not shacking up; we’re roommates who happen to date.”

“Uh-huh, I’m not stupid Calypso.”

“I-I…”

“See not even an excuse.”

That’s it. I’m not that girl who can be forced into a mold anymore. I’m past that. I really am. I broke out and that’s why I live here to begin with. “I’m saying the truth and I don’t need excuses. I’m an adult if you weren’t paying attention. If I, well if I want to not go to go to college and shack up with my boyfriend as you call it, then darn it I can.”

“You’re destroying you’re future, people are only going to laugh when you fall. That world isn’t made for girls like you Calypso, with the way you are…”

“You mean my not looking like a Barbie. I don’t care! I’m going to go to an art school, date Nick Carter, like I want to. Bye Blossom.”

I slammed the phone down. I can feel the tears burn my eyes but I won’t let any fall. No. Just because I expected this, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt a girl. My sister had all but said I was ugly, hated the fact I was happy, free to do things my way instead of hers or my mothers. I glanced back the computer, scanning over the threads on the message board. I clicked on one announcing new Nick pictures from last night. There we were as we entered the club in all our glory. I looked, well hey I think I look kinda spiffy. I tried to at least, and I still think I looked good. Scared by all the cameras? Oh lordie yes, but good anyway. I skimmed through the comments, which were generally the same.

Why is he dating her? She looks awful.

She doesn’t even look comfortable there.

I think she’s gained more weight.

He shouldn’t even be dating her, he’d look better with London.

She’s so fat.

Stop I think she looks cute (This I only saw twice in a twenty page thread)

Guess I’m almost alone in my thinking after all. Well Sebastian always said I danced alone to the beat of my own song. Some things don’t change I suppose. Le sigh.

Always the same message. From my family, from his fans, from the media. I don’t look the part. Managers telling me I need to slink away because I don’t belong. That he belongs with someone prettier, more famous, all around better. But that can’t be true. It still hurts to hear it all the same, no matter who’s saying it next.

I keep telling myself Nick must care about me. Sure no L-words have been used yet, but it has only been a bit over three months. He brought me in because he wanted me. He wanted me around and I loved being around me.

I do belong because he wants me to. That’s all that matters.

But what if they’re all right about me?

What then?

“Glitz and Glamour”

Chapter Eight: Um…Awkward

I’m taking my baby out today. Once she feels better, which she better. Howie always said that recipe worked. It better, how the hell can I take her to find something for the VMAs otherwise? She doesn’t know she’s going yet. She knows John and Lois are against it, so she’s refused to bring it up. But I’m taking her. The whole damn event is next week.

Yeah, I said I was taking her and dammit I meant it. I know she ain’t all for that. She’s not big on the public eye idea. That’s why she agreed to my prick of a manager’s idea for hide in the first place. I know the last outing was a paparazzi field day. But she’s my girl and I’m damn proud of her. That and I haven’t figured out how I’m gonna work this out once the tour starts. Shit. But I want to do this for her; I know she still thinks she ain’t much. I don’t get how she sees that. Fuck the girl is damn adorable, and aight adorable in the past isn’t what I went for, but I always loved it on a girl. I just went for the shit that was expected, which was a sex kitten on my arm. But she’s cute, pretty, and she can’t see it. And I had an idea that might help. Maybe getting her into something that made her feel that way. Letting her take what feel like risks to her. Then showing her just how she shines. Damn I sound so cheesy right there. But it should help.

Or fuck it up, in my life it’s one damn extreme to the next. Dirt poor living out of a car to fame; dating the most well known heiress pain in the ass snob, to dating an unknown down to earth chick who gets it; from DUIs and constant sex with anyone sexy to cutting down and no sex at all right now; I, being a nobody, to being known by everyone. See what I mean?

I turn on the radio, cause the damn traffic won’t fucking move! Damn LA, I want to get home, I know Cally baby is waiting and-

SHIT!

Aight I’m okay, I just almost had a moron ram his ass into my BMW. Damn idiot. I hate Los Angeles. Why the fuck do I live here again? Oh yeah, cause I’m fucking famous, the best studios are out here, and it works. Damn city. I heard my phone ring as I slam my hand on my horn when some fat ass fucking cuts me off. Dammit!

“Cally baby, I’m sorry, fucking traffic and-”

“Hello Nicky poo.”

“London?”

Oh hell. The heiress from hell, and I ain’t lying. I’ve heard the rumors that bitch been spreading, how we’ve been hooking up and all. Why would anyone listen when I keep saying I haven’t even seen London since we broke up? And that I really care about Cally? Lies are so much better for sales! Oh joy! (Damn I love sarcasm.) And of course Hollywood being the place it is; they ate it up. Of course they want to believe I’d cheat, I have in the past and Calypso Rayne…admittedly don’t look like any of my past exes. But I think she’s amazing, but fuck in the life of fame, they don’t give a damn what I think. It’s like I’ve said since the beginning, the world loves and me the world hates me. It can’t make up its mind, but hell if it wants to listen to me about it all. I’ve been avoiding her calls and texts and now I’ve got her on the line. Well shit.

“I wanted to talk to you…why haven’t you called me?” I could hear the voice that sounded years younger than she was purr at me over the line.

“Because you made my life hell after we broke up?” I gotta be honest. The bitch had, and at one point, I almost loved London. She was the closest I came to believing in the damn word. That was my biggest mistake.

“Maybe I made a mistake…” Reverse that. There we go.

“London, you know I’m with someone right now.”

“Aww I know, and it’s very cute. Perhaps we can just be friends. I know I tried to get you back for deciding not to take me back the first time, and that it hurt you media wise. I’m…like really sorry about that.”

It’s very cute? What the hell? I ain’t sure if that was an insult or small talk. I ain’t up for this man, ain’t the media bad enough? “So why are you calling now…”

I navigate the mess called Los Angeles traffic. Gotta get home. The fucking best thing about the VMAs is that they’re hella relaxed. You don’t gotta dress in the suits and all that. You can just find a rockin set of clothes and just been fucked hair if you want and go with it. They don’t care. Good for me since I know Cally ain’t big on the dressing fancy thing. But I’ll let her pick what she wants. I just don’t want her saying no. It would be nice to have her there for me at this, watching me perform, being able to see her in the crowd…

Shit, I sound sprung.

“Because Nick, I’ve been seeing you on the TV lately, and magazines, with that cute grin of yours, enjoying yourself in front of the media and it reminded me of what I missed. Before it like totally went to hell and fell all apart.”

Oh, fuck she sounded sincere. But this was London Miffton, darling of the media for being an heiress, who could fake emotion. Not in person cause she’s a hella bad actress, but over the phone. I felt my damn traitor of a heart tug at me. There was a lot between us once. And at first even after she tried to ruin me and my career, I still almost wanted her back. Was that such a bad thing?

Oh holy shit. Traffic is moving! Glory hallelujah!

"Nickyyyy you're not saying anything." London was the reason I hate being called Nicky, by the way. I didn't hate it before her.

Am I really considering listening to London? Spoiled heir-ass extraordinaire. Someone who's been trying to contact me and I've been avoiding. Someone who tried to destroy my entire career. The same damn one who betrayed me, and hurt me.

(Aight I got her back but that's not the point here). This was a woman who destroyed my entire world for awhile, and she's asking me to let her back in. Common damn sense says no.

Did I really want to try a friendship? Don't know. At the same time, I really did have something for her once. Did I really want to let all of that go? As much as she fucked me over, we had a connection once. Fuck I hate admitting that.

And then my phone started beeping on the line. Oh right. Call waiting. Focus Nick. I pull away and look at the screen. It’s Cally. “Hold on London.”

I switch over. Okay check the screen so you don’t do something incredibly stupid… and check. Okay. I have had moments where I thought I switched calls and didn’t. “Hey Cally baby.”

“Hi Squishy." I can’t believe she kept that insane nickname for me from Finding Nemo. She loves teasing me with it and never let it go. I shall have my revenge!! If I remember to. Damn ADHD raddled brain.

“Feeling better?” Cally Baby got drunk last night. Yes I’m still shocked about that shit. It made tabloid news too. I saw the damn E! channel, surfed the web on my sidekick, and there it was. Which means fucking magazines will have the “Nick Carter gets new underage girlfriend on a drunken spree!” story all over the place. Fucking hell. Oh shit. I just thought of something. I hope her family doesn’t catch that shit. She’s underage, new to all the crap Hollywood life comes with, innocent. Shit, why did I only think of this now?

“I’m okay, Howie’s remedy thing worked.” Quiet voice, tense, a thousand bucks says she talked to one of her family members. Likely telling them how I’m hella bad for her, and all this other bull they don’t know about.

“Don’t worry baby, I’m gonna be home soon and you’ll have fun.”

“You swear?” Our whole idea is that promises can be broken, swears can’t.

“Yep. You sure you’re aight?”

“I’m sure.”

“Aight.”

“Thanks, this did help, you know.”

“Good.”

“Bye Nick.”

“Bye baby.”

I switched the call back. That was awkward. Maybe cause… no that’s not it. And now onto another awkward fucking mess of a call! Okay, and here we go.

“Nick who was I on hold for?”

“My girlfriend.”

“Oh, yeah, her.” I don’t like how she said that. “Is she why we can’t be friends again? Why are you hesitating? Just tell me yes or no.”

“She’s not why. She doesn’t know you. I don’t know if she even knows about you.” I’m so fucking happy I’m actually able to drive down the highway again! Fuck I was getting sick of basically parking.

“How can she not?”

“She’s not well versed in the celebrity world; she just started learning about it for me when we started dating aight.”

“And…how long will she last? Longer than the one you cheated on her for??” Fuck I forgot that the media played that shit up when I was still with Trace.

“I love her aight London.” I reply without any thought, as fucking usual, just suddenly annoyed at her beyond reason. She knows how to do that to me. Oh shit. What did I just say?!

“Did you just say you love her?” Glad I ain’t alone. Fuck that means I said it.

Okay, try this. “I said I care about her.” Oh denial is my friend. Come on now denial, come to Nick. Good denial…niiiice denial.

“That is like so not what you said.”

Dammit.

“You’ve always said you don’t believe in love. You never lied to me about that. You said you believed in connections, relationships, but never real love.” I really don’t need this shit right now, fuck.

“I…” Work brain! Come on! Brain powers…activate! Go brain go? And…I got nothing. Shit.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone. Anybody who knows you won’t believe it anyway. The stand alone Nick Carter, actually saying he loves a girl. Why is she so special?” Whoa, London acting human to me? I haven’t seen that in a long ass time.

“Um…yeah, okay. And…I…” Man of many words am I. Fluent in Yoda speak is me. And I avoided the last question. Yes!

“And does she know?” Why does she care? Oh right cause I shocked the shit out of both of us just now. Aight I might be thinking too much. She wants to be friends. I’ll try trusting her. Fuck I hope I don’t reject this. But I feel like I should give this a shot. Instincts man, that’s what I live by.

“That’s…the first time I’ve said it.”

“…Wow. And you’ve been dating how long?”

“About three months.”

“Wow.”

“I know…weird.” Okay, I’m so fucking done with this shit. “Hey I’m getting close to home, so I gotta go. We should hang out sometime, reconnect on that friend level.” I feel like I’ve lost my damn mind. Maybe I have? Nah, I ain’t that damn lucky.

“Okay, bye Nicky.” Thank god she took off the poo.

“Later London.”

I hung up and drove. I lied by the way, cause traffic got bad again. I hate LA. I just did not want to talk about my relationship with Cally anymore. It gets me confused. Me confused isn’t good. This whole thing has been different than any other relationship I’ve had dammit. I keep rehashing this but that’s cause my mind is a damn mess. This relationship is great but it’s throwing me through loops. Like how young Calypso is. That’s new. How I’m holding myself back, oh hell yeah that’s a new one. Me saying the L-word that I don’t even believe in, out of nowhere. Me not telling her I don’t believe in it cause I don’t want to hurt her. (Typically I say it up front) Us moving in together. I mean, I love it, but it’s something AJ would do.

I ain’t even kidding man.

He’s getting a new apartment with Kaci, which why her mother let that happen is confusing as hell, since she’s seventeen. But he does this every time, I swear. Every time he’s dating a chick, they move in together, it’s some hella weird process with him. (It also involves jewelry and buying a dog but, anyways…) Now me and Cally, she wanted freedom from her overbearing family. I got that and came up with the idea. But still, it’s hella weird sometimes. And an AJ move.

I’m still hella shocked she agreed.

She’s so damn fragile and I can’t hurt her.

I said I love her.

Well fuck.

For now, till I have a damn clue of what I’m doing (for once), I’m pretending it never happened. I mean it. I just hope London don’t open her big mouth.

*******

I had just finished drying my hair. I had some oldies music playing. I’m particular about that stuff but there are some songs. And since I knew Nick would be awhile thanks to traffic, I took a shower, and de-stressed.

Forget Blossom.

And now I had the music up, and was sort of singing into my brush. I’m so not musically talented, but I had the place to myself right then any way. I didn’t hear any outside noises, and I knew I was still alone in the condo.

So sliding on the smooth floor of the spacious bathroom wasn’t a big deal. As I sang. Yes I’m pulling a total Tom Cruise (Risky Business) move. Wearing nothing but a bath towel wrapped around me. Hey, again, alone, and amusing myself. Especially since I felt like crap half the day, and had to deal with the controlling family from…well not from hell, but somewhere bad. Like Las Vegas?

I slid out as the song began, just letting the stress go.

“Does he looove me, I wanna know…how can I tell if he loves me soo..?”

I dance, singing to the brush. My hair is let loose, flying about as I do my goofy little singing routine.

“Is it in his eyes…oh no you’ll be deceived, is it in his eyes, oh he’ll make believe…if you wanna know…if he loves you so…it’s in his kiss…”

Suddenly two hands reach around me, tickling my sides mercilessly. I heard Nick’s voice, between laughs sing along. “That’s where it is!” I jump, well really high for a not skinny person. That brat! He about made me jump out of my jezeling bezeling skin! I turn to stare up into a pair of impish blue eyes as he keeps laughing. The butt.

“OH! MY! LORDIE! Nick!” I swat him playfully. “You scared the living poo out of me!”

He laughs even harder (butthead), hugging me close before I can protests, and of course sweetening the entire thing with a soft kiss upon my forehead. I laugh too, knowing it was funny, even if I’m blushing beyond reason right now.

“Maybe we should put you on American Idol.” He teases me, his tone husky.

Of course, being that close, inhaling the scent of his sweet cologne, I realize just how close to nakedness I am right now. My heart is definitely speeding up. And of course I feel the heat go up a notch without any blushing this time. And so I’m almost naked with only a towel to stop it, and he’s holding me against him. Oh boy. Ohhh boy. And someone is awake. Eep.

That’s when we kissed. A guaranteed way to make my mind go blankety blank. Oooh now this is nice. He has this way of kissing that can make the world around me vanish instantly. My arms wrap around his neck as we continue a series of long, passionate, yummy, lovely sweet kissies.

And that’s when the towel fell. AHHH!

Almost. We were wrapped in what we were doing, (cause how can we not be?), and he accidentally knocked the towel loose. The only thing that kept me from complete, embarrassing, not pretty, not ready for, nakie-ness was the fact I was pressed against him with the towel stuck in between. Thank you Lordie!

My hands panicky grab the towel and keep it around me. Yes. Good plan. Now step away from the boyfriend. I take a step or two back, not exactly wanting to, cause those kissies had been fun. When did life get this awkward? Oh right, when I stumbled into the life of a rock star and decided to date him. I’m pretty sure that’s when.

Nick is the one who speaks first. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be. I’m the one in…and the towel…and the way the towely wrap was…and um…” Way to babble Cally! Does anyone understand that? I don’t and I’m the one who just said it.

He simply smiles softly. Such a pretty smile. “Go finish getting ready Cally baby. I’m taking you somewhere, for fun.”

Not a club right? “Not a club?” Speaky the mind. Plus, my first time at one, wasn’t my best, so I want space before I try it again with Squishy.

“I swear.”

*********

He kept his word. Instead he decides to take me shopping at some of the most expensive boutiques in Los Angeles. Lots and lots of store hopping now, and of course Nick has been deciding he’s going to be really stubborn.

“You can’t buy me this.”

“Can too.”

“It’s too much.”

“Is not.”

“Nick, I-I don’t want to take a-ad-advantage of you.”

“Calypso.” he stops, turns and pulls me outside of the store with him. We stand there as the sky slowly changes into hues of reds, oranges, pinks. Makes me want to paint. “You do stuff for me, you make the apartment look fucking awesome, you stand by me, and you care about me, Nick, not Nick Carter the rock star… I want to do this for you baby. I know you won’t let yourself use me.”

I pause. He has that much faith in me? That’s what he really thinks? Jezel my bezels that’s wow. Wow-wow type wow. I start thinking about all this. His managers hate me. They do. I don’t like them either but I don’t run Nick’s career in the band. Maybe if I dress all designer type girl they may back off? Maybe if I try losing weight without telling Nick? I could try, so that way I can be with him and get them off our back? I mean, it’s not like before being who everyone wanted me to be. This is just improving my own image to get stupid people to leave me alone right? Maybe his fans can even accept me?

I know Nick did this shopping thing cause he cares about it, and has the means to without hesitating. But… the other stuff can be a side bonus? I shouldn’t care about everyone else. But I do. I still do.

“Cally?” His hand strokes the side of my face.

I just give him one of my free spirited grins. “Okay, fine, but we so can’t make a habit type thing out of this.”

The dork (I love this about him) kisses my nose, and looking adorable to boot. Aww. I mean that’s just cute. “Sweet, besides you need clothes for our next big outing.” I see that Cheshire cat grin. What does he have in mind?

“Huh?” Can’t be another club. Tour (which we still haven’t solved…like how we’ll work that out yet) doesn’t start till next month.

“Well you know…” Yeah definitely a mischievous look. “At the VMAs, here at Paramount studios…”

I was gonna go? I ruled that out cause of the management team from hell he has.

I’m going to the VMAs with my rocker boyfriend! That’s so cool! Whee! Yay!

Hold on. Stop. Wait…

Lights.

Cameras.

Red Carpet.

Photographers.

Lots of famous people.

Me?