Prologue

He flung open the medicine cabinet in his bathroom. It was filled with an assortment of medications, from prescription drugs to over the counter aspirin. He reached in and started pulling out bottles, without hardly glancing at their labels.

When he had a wide variety of small, plastic bottles, he scooped them all up into his arms and carried them downstairs, into the kitchen. From the adjoining living room, Papa Roach’s “Last Resort” could be heard playing loudly on the stereo. He had set it on repeat.

Once in the kitchen, he dumped the drugs onto the counter top and filled a tall glass with water. He set down the glass and sorted through the medicine bottles, opening them each and dumping out small handfuls of capsules onto the counter. In just a few minutes, there was a good-sized mound of pills heaped onto his counter.

He took a deep breath. It was time.

With a shaking hand, he reached out and scooped up a handful of the assorted colors of pills. Clasping them in his hand tightly, he brought them up to his mouth, grabbing the water glass in the other hand. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth wide, and shoved in the whole handful.

Gagging, he gulped water from the glass to wash them all down. And then he grabbed up another handful…

***

Chapter 1

Olivia Caisson slammed down the book she was reading in exasperation, dragging herself out of bed. She stormed downstairs and headed through the kitchen to screened in back porch. She grabbed her flip-flops, which were lying next to the porch door, and slipped them on. She flipped on the porch light so she could see across the backyard, and then she headed down the stairs that led from the porch and cut across the grass towards the large house next door. All the lights were off in the house except for in one room downstairs, and coming from that room was the music.

It had been blaring non-stop for over an hour, on the same song, Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”. Now it was near midnight, and Olivia could not stand it any longer. She was going over to give whoever lived there a piece of her mind.

Olivia had just moved into her house the week before. It was a beautiful, spacious house, right along the beach, in a private area outside of the ritziest part of Tampa, Florida.

Olivia had always loved the beach and the ocean. Having grown up in Iowa, however, she hadn’t had much of a chance to see it. In fact, the only time she had ever seen the Ocean was when she was eight and had gone to Rhode Island to visit her grandfather, shortly after his heart attack. Ever since, she had dreamed of living right on the beach, beside the ocean. And now her dream had come true, and living here in Tampa, where the beaches were white and the water stunningly blue, was even more wonderful than she had imagined. If only she had longer to enjoy it before she had to go away…

I’m not going to think about that now, Olivia told herself firmly as she clomped up the stairs leading to the wide front porch on the house next door. Once she got to the door, she pushed the bell. She could not even hear it ring over the music, which had intensified as she had gotten closer. She could feel the vibration of it beneath her feet, as the whole porch shook with the beat.

Olivia waited, and no one came to the door. They probably can’t hear the bell either, she realized, and tried knocking instead. She pounded as loud as she could several times on the door and waited some more. Nothing. No one had turned down the music, and she could hear no movement inside, no footsteps, nothing.

Well, someone has to be home, she decided. You don’t just go off and leave your stereo blaring. Getting even more angry, Olivia grabbed the doorknob. The door was not locked, so it turned easily. Her annoyance had made her braver than usual, so with only a moment’s hesitation, Olivia opened the door and stepped inside.

Of course, inside, the music was even louder before. Olivia’s head began to pound. “Oh, you just wait until I get a hold of you,” she muttered under her breath, knowing that the owner of the house wouldn’t be able to hear her anyway, with all the racket.

Olivia followed the source of the sound into a spacious living room. A large and expensive looking stereo stood grandly on the bookshelves, blaring the song over and over again. Looking around the room, Olivia saw that no one was in it. Shrugging, she stepped up to the stereo and hunted around for the power button. She found it, hit it, and sighed with relief as the music immediately stopped. Dead silence fell over the room.

Olivia glanced towards the nearby staircase, half expecting to hear angry footsteps, as the owner of the house came stomping down to see why his music had stopped. But no one came.

She began to get an uneasy feeling in her stomach. Something just wasn’t right here. Not wanting to be there any longer, Olivia backed out of the living room, towards the foyer where she had entered. Suddenly, her heel caught on something, and she stumbled backwards. There was a loud crash, and then a shattering sound. Her heart pounding crazily in her chest, Olivia spun around to find that she had tripped over a plant stand. The stand was lying on its side now, and the potted plant had shattered on the hard wood floor, leaving a mess of broken ceramic pieces, dirt, and water strewn across the floor.

“Damnit,” Olivia swore. Now what was she supposed to do? She didn’t feel right just leaving without cleaning up her mess or offering to replace the plant. Where was everyone anyway?

Olivia glanced back at the stairs, but still, no one was coming. There was no way everyone could be asleep, with that horrible music playing. And no one would just leave the house with the CD player on and the door unlocked.

Olivia swallowed hard to calm her nerves and headed for the stairs. Something still didn’t feel right, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to leave until she had checked things out. Slowly and hesitantly, she climbed the stairs. At the top, she found herself in a hallway with doors on each side.

“Hello?” Olivia called out softly. Clearing her throat, she called again, louder. “Hello??”

But there was no answer.

Nervously, Olivia started down the hall, stopping to peek into each room. All the doors were wide open, except for one, at the end of the hall, which was halfway shut. Olivia headed straight for that one. When she reached the door, she slowly looked in.

It was a man’s bedroom, decorated in forest green, with a king size bed in the center. Sprawled across the bed, on his back, was a young man.

At first, Olivia thought he was sleeping. But as she squinted to get a better look at him, she didn’t think that was the case. He didn’t look to be in a sleeping position, and although she couldn’t see his face well, she could see the color of it and the rest of his skin, a pale grayish tint. And she knew then that something was horribly wrong.

***

Chapter 2

The first sensation that hit Olivia was panic, but she quickly fought that and got herself under control. She hurried over to the bed and put a hand on the man’s shoulder, shaking him.

“Wake up,” she urged him. “Come on, open your eyes for me.” The man did not move. Leaning close to him, Olivia was relieved to find that he was breathing, although his breathing was coming in slow, shallow gasps.

Knowing what she had to do, Olivia grabbed the phone on the night table next to his bed and punched in 911. When an operator answered, she hurriedly explained as best she could what was going on. The operator immediately dispatched an ambulance and assured Olivia that it was on its way.

Olivia stayed in the phone a few minutes longer with the operator before finally hanging up. She turned her attention back to the man. His eyelids were halfway opened, but his eyes were rolled back in his head so that only the whites were showing. A foamy substance was squeezing out of the corners of his mouth, and the sight of him scared her to death. What had happened to him?

Suddenly, the man’s hands clenched into fists, and his whole body began to convulse as he went into a seizure. Struggling to keep calm, Olivia flung open a door leading from the man’s room, hoping it was a bathroom. It was, luckily, and she hurried into it to grab a washcloth to put in his mouth so that he would not bite his tongue, something she had heard to do with someone who was having a seizure.

But when Olivia got into the bathroom, she stopped dead in her tracks. The bathroom looked normal enough, except for the medicine cabinet hanging over the sink. The door to it was wide open, and the shelves inside were in complete disorder, with a few bottles knocked every which way. But there were only a few inside, and the rest of the cabinet was empty. And suddenly, Olivia knew what was wrong with him.

Forgetting about the washcloth, she raced back into the bedroom. Luckily, the man’s seizure had stopped already, and he was lying back on the bed in a heap, unconscious.

Olivia looked all around the room for empty medicine bottles, but found none. Knowing there was nothing else she could to for to help the man at that time, she hurried down the stairs to continue searching.

One of the first places she looked was the kitchen, and that proved to be the jackpot. There on the counter was a wide selection of pill bottles. Many were empty, some only half gone. But there were so many bottles there, Olivia knew the man must have taken many pills.

Suddenly, one of the orange prescription bottles rolled off the counter and fell onto the floor, spilling out a few left-behind capsules. As Olivia bent to pick the bottle up, she caught site of the label. It was for the anti-depressant Prozac, and the name on the label read…

“Nickolas Carter?” Olivia said aloud, staring down at the small bottle in her hand. As in THE Nick Carter, of the Backstreet Boys? she thought incredulously. Her mouth dropped open, and she raced back upstairs to the bedroom. Staring hard at the man on the bed, she realized the truth. She was looking down at Nick Carter.

He looked so much different from how he did in pictures and on TV. His skin was deathly white, his blonde hair matted down, his blue eyes rolled back into his head. He looked nothing like the Nick Carter she knew of. But this was him; this was the real Nick Carter. And he was dying.

Suddenly, Olivia heard an ambulance’s siren nearing the house, and she hurried outside onto the front porch in time to see an ambulance pulling up into the driveway. The siren was shut off, as three paramedics hopped out of the vehicle. They hurried towards the porch, wheeling a stretcher with them.

“This way,” Olivia said breathlessly, leading them into the house and upstairs to the bedroom. “He’s overdosed on pills,” she explained, as the paramedics immediately hovered over the unconscious man.

“What all did he take?” one female paramedic asked Olivia.

“There’s a bunch of bottles downstairs in the kitchen that I think he used, but I’m not sure how much of each kind he took,” she explained.

“Okay, you go get those bottles and put them in a bag for us so we can take them to the hospital with us,” she instructed Olivia. Olivia nodded and ran back downstairs. She rooted through several drawers in the kitchen before finally finding a box of big Ziploc bags. She pulled two bags out and dumped the pill bottles into them.

It was only a few minutes before the paramedics were bringing Nick downstairs on the stretcher. Olivia saw with horror that he had stopped breathing, for one paramedic was straddling him on the stretcher, performing CPR, while another was bagging him to get air into his lungs. She suddenly wished she did not have as much medical knowledge as she did, because what she did not know would not hurt her. Unfortunately, she knew the truth, that at this point, Nick Carter’s odds of surviving were very slim.

***

Chapter 3

“Are you his girlfriend? Here, I need you to fill out this paperwork.” Before Olivia could say anything, the receptionist in the emergency room of Tampa General Hospital thrust a packet of forms into Olivia’s hands.

“But, I’m not his girlfriend,” she protested. “I’m just his neighbor, and I can’t fill this stuff out. I don’t even know him.”

The woman gave her a strange look but shrugged and took the papers back. “Do you know the numbers of any of his family members?” she asked hopefully.

Olivia shook her head. “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

“Okay. Well, if you’re going to stick around, you can wait over there.” The receptionist nodded to a waiting area across the hall with couches and chairs, magazine racks, vending machines, and a TV. A few people were sitting slumped in couches, but other than that, it was pretty empty.

“Thanks,” Olivia said, walking slowly over to where the woman had directed. She sat down in a chair in the corner, wondering what to do. Should I stay here, or should I just go home? she asked herself. On one hand, I don’t even really know him, and since I’m not related to him or anything, they might not even tell me his condition. She thought about that for a moment, and then countered, But on the other hand, I can’t just go home and leave him here. I’m involved now, and I have to at least know how he’s doing.

She had made her mind up. She was staying.

***

“Excuse me, miss, but are you the one that’s here with Nick Carter?”

Olivia looked up to see a tall, thin man in blue scrubs standing in front of her. His voice was hushed, as if he knew that if he said the name Nick Carter any louder, there could be chaos.

“Yes, I am,” Olivia replied.

“Okay. I’m Dr. Filson,” the doctor introduced.

“How is he?” Olivia asked right away.

“Well, he’s alive, and he’s holding his own for now. But his condition is very critical, and there’s no telling how much damage was done to his system,” Dr. Filson said.

Olivia nodded, not sure whether to be relieved or upset. At least he’s alive, she told herself. “Do you think he’s going to make it?” she asked, looking the doctor right in the eyes.

“At this point, I really don’t know,” Dr. Filson said apologetically. “It’s too soon to tell. A lot might depend on how willing he is to fight for his life.”

Those last words suddenly brought back the reality to Olivia that Nick had overdosed on medications, on drugs. A suicide attempt. The realization was hard-hitting and shocking to her. Why would Nick Carter want to kill himself? she wondered. He’s so talented and famous. He’s got everything anyone could want. Why would he waste it all?

It seemed unbelievable that someone like Nick would actually try to take his own life. Olivia had never understood why anyone would want to commit suicide. It was such a selfish thing to do, such a waste of life. And for Nick Carter to do it, it seemed even worse. What reason did he have to commit suicide? He had everything. At least, that’s what she had always assumed. But maybe not.

***

After she was done talking to Dr. Filson, Olivia headed home. As soon as she reached her house, she headed upstairs to her bedroom, collapsed onto her bed, and fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

When Olivia awoke the next morning, the first thing she thought of was Nick. She immediately wondered how he was doing and decided to call the hospital first thing to find out.

She stumbled out of bed and downstairs to the kitchen, where she pulled out a phone book and looked up the number for the hospital. She slumped down into a kitchen chair and dialed the number, silently praying that Nick was going to be okay.

“Hello, Tampa General Hospital. Can I help you?” came a man’s voice.

“Um, yes, I need to find out the condition of one of your patients,” Olivia said.

“Name?”

“Nickolas Carter,” she replied.

There was a pause, as the man probably was looking up the information, and finally he said, “He’s listed under critical condition.”

“Okay… thank you,” Olivia said, and hung up, feeling disappointed. She glanced out her kitchen window, which faced Nick’s house.

What if I hadn’t have gotten there when I did? she wondered suddenly. She realized that Nick was actually very lucky to still be alive. He must have just taken the pills not long before she had come over.

Olivia’s stomach began to growl, and she realized she was hungry. Determined to try and get on with her day, she got up and started making breakfast.

***

Chapter 4

One week later

Olivia slammed down the phone with a huff. “Critical condition,” she muttered, mimicking the receptionist she had just spoken to at the hospital. She had been calling Tampa General daily, asking about Nick, and each day, they had told her the same thing: “He’s in critical condition.” Nothing more.

Olivia was sick of waiting and worrying about him. She wanted to see for herself how he was doing. And so, she decided to do just that.

***

Olivia followed a group of people out of the elevator and found herself on the ICU floor.

Just blend in. Act like you belong here, Olivia told herself, taking a deep breath. She casually ran a hand through her shoulder length black hair and continued on her way down the hall. She wasn’t even sure which room Nick was in, and even if she found it, she doubted she’d actually be able to see him – surely with his celebrity status, there would be security protecting his room. But at that point, Olivia didn’t care. She could at least try.

As Olivia neared a waiting area, she noticed a boy walking up the hall towards her. Narrowing her eyes, Olivia studied him as he came closer to her. He looked about thirteen or so and was tall, with tousled blonde hair and big brown eyes. He had seemed very familiar to her, and suddenly, Olivia knew why. It was Aaron Carter, Nick’s younger brother. Olivia didn’t know much about him, but she had seen a few of his videos on TV. Enough to recognize him now.

As he started to pass her, Olivia cleared her throat and said, “Excuse me, but are you Aaron Carter?”

Aaron stopped and nodded, giving her a little half smile, which looked identical to the smile Nick always made on TV appearances and such. It made Olivia suddenly feel like crying. But she did not.

Composing herself, Olivia continued, “My name’s Olivia Caisson. I, uh, live next door to Nick.”

Aaron looked at her with more interest. “Were… were you the one who… you know… found him?”

She nodded, pressing her lips together grimly. “How’s he doing?” she asked hesitantly.

Aaron shrugged. “Not too good,” he said sadly. “He’s in a coma.”

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said. “I’ve been calling the hospital, trying to find out how he is, but they never tell me much. I thought maybe I would come and try to find out for myself. I’m sorry to bother you though.”

“It’s okay,” Aaron said. “Do you want to see him?”

Olivia’s eyes widened. She hadn’t at all expected to be invited in to see Nick, especially with him in such a serious condition. But, knowing she could not turn away, she nodded slowly.

“Come with me,” Aaron said, beckoning to her as he started back down the hall in the direction he had come. Olivia tagged along behind him. They walked down a long, white hallway, passing many different cubicles with big glass windows. At the end of the hall there was one last window, but its blinds were closed. A security guard stood in front of the door, and Olivia knew right away that this was Nick’s room.

The guard nodded in greeting at Aaron and looked curiously at Olivia.

“She’s a friend of the family,” Aaron briefly explained to the guard, motioning to Olivia, and the guard smiled and nodded, stepping back so they could enter.

Olivia timidly followed Aaron into the room. It was dim inside, but Olivia could make out Nick’s still form lying flat on the bed in the center of the small room. She had tried to prepare herself for the sight of him, but nothing could get her ready for it.

She could hardly believe that the man on the bed was actually Nick Carter, the blonde heartthrob of the Backstreet Boys. His skin was the color of death, his blonde hair stringy and matted to his head. There were tubes everywhere, up his nose, down his throat, out of his arms, and snaking out from under his hospital gown. Machines and monitors surrounding the head of the bed beeped and hissed rhythmically, adding to the eerie atmosphere of the room.

Olivia felt a wave of nausea wash over her, as it became to much to take in. She took deep breaths, trying to keep her cool, but she felt lightheaded and dizzy, and the room began to spin around her.

Aaron glanced at her worriedly. “Hey, you okay?” he asked, studying her.

“I… I just need to sit down,” Olivia stammered, staggering over to a chair pushed up against one wall. She slumped down into it and lowered her head to her knees, taking rapid, shallow breaths.

“Do you want me to get someone?” Aaron asked. Olivia glanced up and saw that he was standing beside her, looking down on her, wide-eyed.

She shook her head quickly. “I’ll be okay,” she managed to say. In fact, she was already starting to feel a little better. The room had stopped spinning, at least.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia mumbled apologetically, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“That’s okay,” Aaron replied. “Are you alright?”

She nodded and slowly climbed to her feet. She stumbled a little at first, but quickly regained her balance, as her dizziness faded. “It was all just a little much for me, I guess,” she said, glancing sheepishly at Aaron.

“I know what you mean,” he replied, offering her a sympathetic smile. She managed to smile back. “You wanna get out of here?” Aaron asked.

Olivia nodded, gratefully. Aaron smiled again and led her to the door. He glanced back once at his brother and then opened the door. Olivia studied him sadly for a moment and then followed him out of the room.

***

Chapter 5

As Olivia walked with Aaron down the hall of ICU, a middle-aged woman with black hair approached them.

“Hey, Mom,” Aaron said to the woman, surprising Olivia, who had not realized that the woman was Nick and Aaron’s mother.

“Hi, honey,” Mrs. Carter greeted tiredly. Her face was lined and weary-looking, and Olivia could tell how stressed and scared she must have been.

“Olivia, meet my mom, Jane Carter,” Aaron introduced. “Mom, this is Olivia. She lives next door to Nick. She was the one who… uh… found him…” Aaron trailed off uncomfortably.

Mrs. Carter’s eyes widened and grew bright with a mist of tears. “Oh… dear, I couldn’t possibly thank you enough,” she gushed, her voice thick and wavery with emotion. “If you hadn’t have come… my boy might be dead right now.” She smiled tearfully and swiped at her eyes.

Olivia smiled uncomfortably. “You don’t have to thank me,” she said. “It was just fate that I found him in time, I guess, and I just did what I had to do.” She shrugged.

“You… you saved his life,” Jane whispered. “Without you, he would have died. Thank you… so much.” Her voice had risen with emotional tears again. Luckily, she managed to calm herself down and blink back her tears.

“You’re welcome,” Olivia said awkwardly, unsure of what else to say.

“What was your last name again, dear?” Jane asked.

“It’s Caisson,” Olivia replied.

“And you live in the house next door to Nick?”

“Yeah. He wouldn’t know me though; I just moved in last week. I didn’t even know he was the one who lived there,” Olivia explained.

“I see. What made you go over there that night then?” Jane wanted to know.

Olivia hesitantly explained about the music that Nick had been playing and how she had gone over there to ask him to turn it off. As she thought back to that then, she remembered how innocent she had been. She had never known that just minutes later, she would be thrown into this world of life and death.

“Thank God,” Jane whispered when she was done. “Thank God for that music, for you, for everything.”

Olivia nodded, managing a smile.

Just then, some more people came down the hall. Glancing at them, Olivia knew right away that they were more of Nick’s family members. There was a tall man with blonde hair and a teenage girl, also tall and blonde.

“Oh, there you are, honey,” the man said to Jane. Glancing at Olivia, he asked, “And who’s this?”

And again, Olivia had to stand and listen to the story of how she had saved Nick’s life, as Jane introduced her to the man, who turned out to be Bob Carter, Nick’s father. The girl beside him was Nick’s sister, BJ.

When Bob and BJ had gotten done showering Olivia with their gratitude, the conversation wore down. Feeling out of place, Olivia decided it was time to go.

“Well, I better head home now,” Olivia said to the Carters.

“Okay, dear. You take care. Feel free to come back here and visit Nick whenever you want,” Jane said, smiling.

Olivia returned her smile and thanked her for her kindness, then politely said goodbye and left, knowing that she would not be coming back.

***

It was a few days after that when Olivia noticed signs of life in Nick’s house. Watching through the window in the kitchen as she was making breakfast one morning, she saw a van pull up and stop in the driveway.

Interested, Olivia watched as the doors opened, and when the people inside got out, she saw that it was Nick’s family. There was Bob and Jane, Aaron, BJ, and two other girls. They all hauled suitcases out of the van with them and carried them inside the house.

Olivia figured that they must have been staying in a hotel near the hospital for the past week and had finally decided to come stay at Nick’s house instead. Olivia wasn’t sure why they hadn’t done that in the first place, but she supposed it was so they could be closer to the hospital and to Nick.

Olivia wondered what had made them decide to come stay there all of a sudden. Maybe Nick’s better, she realized suddenly, brightening with the thought. It made sense to her – if Nick was no longer in a coma, in critical condition, his family wouldn’t feel the need to be to near to the hospital, just in case anything happened.

Olivia decided she would call the hospital later and find out.

***

Chapter 6

What am I doing here? Olivia asked herself, as she stepped onto the ICU floor. When she had called the hospital that morning, she had been told that Nick had been upgraded from critical condition to stable. In her excitement over the good news, Olivia had driven to the hospital. Now that she was there, however, she was not so sure of herself.

Will they even let me in? she wondered. She wasn’t family, and she really wasn’t even a “friend of the family”, as Aaron had told the security guard that day. Oh well, I’m already here. Might as well find out, she decided. Taking a deep breath, she started down the hall in the direction of Nick’s room.

At the end of the hall, she saw the same guard as before posted outside Nick’s door. He glanced at her questioningly as she approached, and she gave him a timid smile in greeting.

“Um… hi. I’m Olivia Caisson. I was here the other day to see Nick. Remember?” she asked hopefully.

The guard studied her a moment and then nodded. “Sure, I remember. I’m afraid I can’t let you in unless you’re with one of the family members though,” he said apologetically.

“Oh… I haven’t seen any of them around here,” Olivia said, disappointed. “I’d just heard that Nick was doing better, so I thought I would come up and see him.”

The guard nodded. “Well, I’m sorry, but I really can’t let you in. Hospital policy. You can look in on him if you want though,” he said, motioning to the window.

“Oh, uh… sure, that’d be great,” Olivia said.

“Okay. Just a minute,” the guard said. He opened the door just enough to peek into the room, then stepped inside. Moments later, he had opened the blinds covering the window and was back out in front of the door.

“Thank you,” Olivia said, hesitantly stepping up to the window. She was suddenly nervous. What if he’s awake? she wondered. What if he saw her? What would he think, seeing some strange girl staring at him through the window?

To her relief, as Olivia tentatively looked through the window, Nick’s eyes were closed. She wasn’t sure if he was still in a coma or just asleep, but he looked a little better to her. Some of his color had returned, at least. And the breathing tube down his throat was gone, replaced by thin tubes going into his nostrils, attached to an oxygen tank. Having a lot of medical knowledge, more than she wanted, Olivia knew all of this was a good sign.

Olivia wasn’t sure how long she stood there, just watching him sleep, but she couldn’t seem to tear herself away from that window. She didn’t actually know him, but she cared about him. She wasn’t sure exactly why… maybe it was because she had called for help for him that day, or maybe it was because his family had been so nice to her. Maybe it was just because he was a Backstreet Boy. Olivia didn’t know. But she cared.

Suddenly, Nick’s eyelids fluttered. Olivia’s eyes widened, as his eyes slowly opened. She let out a little gasp as his gaze fixed directly onto hers. Feeling like she had been caught in the act of something bad, Olivia darted away from the window.

She glanced over at the guard to see him staring at her in confusion. “I, uh, have to get going. I forgot I was supposed to be somewhere right now,” she lied, hurrying down the hall, her cheeks flaming.

The guard watched her run off and just shook his head.

***

“Mr. Carter? Oh, it’s so good to have you awake!”

Nick weakly turned his head towards the cheery female voice. It came from a woman in her thirties, dressed in pink scrubs.

Nurse, he assumed. I’m in a hospital. It was all coming together, making sense to him now. The small, spotless white room, the small, hard bed with the stainless steel rails on the sides, and the various blips and beeps ringing throughout the room all let him know the reality of his situation.

He was in the hospital - his suicide attempt had failed.

God, I can’t even do that right, Nick thought miserably. What a reject. He glared at the nurse, who was checking the monitors at the head of his bed. He wanted to ask her why, why didn’t the doctors just let him die? That was what he had wanted. But he couldn’t speak. When he tried, just a weak gurgling sound came out.

It was enough to get the nurse’s attention though. She glanced back at him and smiled knowingly. “You can’t talk, hun,” she said sympathetically. “You’re on a ventilator right now to help you breathe. I’ll go talk to Dr. Filson though and see if he can take you off it. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Nick wanted to nod, but he felt so weak. He blinked his eyes at her instead, hoping that would get the point across.

She smiled and bustled out of the room. Nick watched walk down the hall from the window that was directly across from his bed.

And then he remembered her. The girl. He had seen her when he had woken up the first time. He had been all alone then – no nurses or doctors in the room. He had only been awake for a few minutes, it seemed, but he had seen her through the window. A pretty girl, probably around his age, maybe younger, petite, with pale skin, black hair, and the most beautiful eyes. It was her eyes that he remembered most of all. They were a deep bluish gray shade, like the color of the ocean.

He had met her gaze, looked into those eyes with his own. His look was one of wonder, but hers was one of panic. And then she had left. She had run away, leaving him alone again.

Who was she? Nick wondered. He was sure he had never seen her before. Why was she standing there, looking in at him? And why did she run away when he woke up?

It didn’t make sense to Nick, and puzzling over it was sapping his strength, or lack of strength. He had fallen back to sleep shortly after he had seen the girl, and now that he was awake, he just felt like sleeping again. And so, he closed his eyes and let himself fall into darkness.

***

Chapter 7

Olivia was just stepping out of the shower later that day, when she heard the doorbell ring. She hastily toweled herself off and wrapped her purple satin robe around herself.

“Coming!” she shouted, hearing the doorbell ring again, as she hurried down the stairs.

She flung open the front door to see Aaron and Angel Carter standing on her front porch. Her cheeks grew pink with embarrassment, as she realized she was only wearing her robe.

“Uh… hi,” she said, managing a smile.

Aaron looked just as embarrassed as she felt. “Hi,” he said.

Angel smiled awkwardly. “Mom didn’t have your phone number, so she wanted us to come tell you the good news.”

“Nick’s awake,” Aaron finished for her, smiling genuinely. “He’s gonna be okay.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Olivia said, smiling brightly at the twins. Her smile wavered as she wondered if Nick would remember that short glimpse he had gotten of her through his window. She hoped that he was so doped up and disoriented that he would not remember or think that maybe it was just a dream, but she wasn’t sure.

“Yup,” Angel said, shifting her weight.

“Well, I think we’re going back to the hospital pretty soon, so we better get home,” Aaron said. “See ya later.”

“Okay. Bye,” Olivia replied, as the two of them turned and headed down the front steps. Olivia closed the door and headed back upstairs to get dressed.

***

“Nick!”

Nick had to smile as his littlest sister, Angel, came bounding into his room. She looked as if she was about to fling herself onto his bed, but she stopped abruptly, as if suddenly realizing where he was and what had happened to him. The smile left her face.

“Hey, Ang, come here,” Nick said, opening his arms. He had been sleeping off and on the whole day, but now he was finally wide awake and alert. His doctor, Dr. Filson, had taken him off of the ventilator, so he could finally talk.

Angel smiled again and tenderly hugged Nick. “I love you,” she whispered into his ear.

“I love you too, Angel,” he replied, suddenly overwhelmed with guilt as he realized what he had done to land himself in this hospital. Why had he actually tried to take his life? His reasoning behind the suicide attempt seemed stupid and superficial now. What would have happened if he had actually succeeded?

Nick shuddered, thinking about the pain his poor family would have to go through. Even though he hadn’t been on the best of terms with some of his family members, mainly his mother, for the past few years, he still loved all of them, and he knew they loved him too.

“I’m sorry,” Nick whispered to his sister, still hugging her, one hand reaching up to touch her dark, silky hair. “God, Ang, I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” she asked, her voice muffled against his chest.

“For doing what I did. For trying to kill myself,” he answered, his voice growing small on the last few words. He felt ashamed to even say them.

“It’s okay, Nick,” she said. “We forgive you. Just please don’t ever try something like that again.” His little sister’s pleading voice was thick with emotion and trembled ever so slightly.

“I won’t,” he said truthfully.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” he replied, and meant it.

***

Four days later

Olivia had not seen much of the Carter family in the past few days, and so she had not heard anything more on how Nick was doing. She had called the hospital a few times again, but of course all they told her was that his condition was “fair”. That meant nothing to her. So when she heard a car pull into the driveway next door and doors opening and slamming shut that afternoon, Olivia hurried to peek out the window.

To her surprise, she saw Jane and Bob Carter helping a tall blonde man out of their van. It was Nick. Olivia watched as Nick weakly walked between his parents, leaning heavily on their shoulders, as they led him slowly into his open garage.

Olivia let her blinds fall shut and backed away from the window. She sighed with relief, glad that everything had gone well and that Nick was finally home.

***

Chapter 8

One week later

“We love you, honey. Never forget that.”

Nick smiled at his mother and hugged her tightly. “I know, Mom,” he replied. “I love you too.”

It had been a week since Nick had come home from the hospital, and his family was heading back to their home in Los Angeles. Nick was relieved, for the past week, Jane had hardly left him alone for a minute. He knew she probably blamed herself somehow for what he had tried to do and was just trying to let him know that she loved him, but she was too overprotective, and he was getting sick of it.

“Well, you better be going now. You don’t want to miss your flight,” Nick said to his parents.

Bob nodded, taking Jane by the arm. “Come on, honey, Nick’s right. Let’s go.”

Jane nodded tearfully, hugging her son one last time. Bob and the other kids hugged Nick too, and then they all piled into the rented van to head to the airport.

Nick stood on the porch and waved as they drove away. Then he headed inside, alone for the first time in weeks. It felt good.

***

That night, as the sun was setting, Nick was on the beach, just sitting in the sand, watching as the sun sank on the horizon, reflecting on the dark ocean water. A lump rose in Nick’s throat as he watched it. It was such a beautiful sight. If he had succeeded in killing himself that night, he would have never gotten to see the sun set ever again.

What had he been thinking that night? Nick tried to remember, but the events of the evening, in the time before he had taken the pills and after, were fuzzy to him. He remembered the music, his Papa Roach CD playing on repeat, and he remembered the feeling of despair. But not much else.

He had many questions. What had he taken that night? Who had called 911 for him? But these questions all went unanswered. No one wanted to talk to him about that night. Whenever he had tried to bring it up with his parents, they changed the subject, trying to get him to focus on getting better instead and thinking of good things.

And then there was his shrink. His doctor at the hospital had suggested that Nick see a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and his parents had been all for it. So now he had weekly appointments to visit with Dr. Rhonda Johnson, a middle aged woman psychiatrist. He had met with her once in the hospital, and she seemed nice enough, but she made him uncomfortable. Nick didn’t like the idea of having counseling, and he refused to tell this doctor much of anything.

He didn’t want to talk to any of the other guys either. Kevin and Brian had flown in to Orlando from their homes sometime during his hospitalization and stayed for awhile, but they had both gone home too. AJ and Howie, who both lived closer, had been coming by to see him about every day, but their visits were uncomfortable for Nick. All four of the guys treated him like he was a fragile child and always said things like, “If you ever want to talk, I’m here,” or worse, always asked, “Are you okay, Nick?” or “How are you feeling, Nick?” Nick couldn’t stand it anymore.

This left him with no one to talk to, no one he wanted to share his problems with. He was all alone.

Nick sighed and raked a hand through his blonde hair. The familiar feeling of depression was setting in with these feelings of loneliness, of emptiness, and he didn’t know what to do about it. And it scared him.

***

Olivia walked slowly along the beach, the sand cool and soft beneath her bare feet. A cool sea breeze tousled her hair and brought goosebumps to her skin. She shivered slightly and hugged her arms to her chest.

In the few weeks that Olivia had been living there, she had taken a walk along the beach after dark almost every night. She loved the beach even more at night when it was dark and cool and empty. It was so peaceful and romantic.

When she had been younger, Olivia had dreamed of having her wedding on the beach, right at sunset.

That’ll never happen now, she thought sadly, gazing up at the star-filled sky. Her childhood wedding dreams were just that – dreams, that would never come true. She wondered what it would like to be in love. Being in love was something Olivia had often wondered about, but it had not happened for her yet. And she doubted it ever would.

Up ahead, Olivia saw the light of her house come into view, and she quickened her pace a little, eager to go inside and grab a sweatshirt, for it had really cooled down that night.

But as she reached the strip of beach directly behind her house, she stopped. Just a ways down the beach from her was another figure, standing all alone at the edge of the water. It was too dark to see who it was, but she could tell it was a man by his size.

“Hey!” the man called suddenly, startling Olivia.

“Hi!” she called back, starting towards him.

He came towards her, and as the light projecting from her house came over his face, she realized who it was. Nick Carter.

***

Chapter 9

Nick’s eyes widened as he got a good look at the girl standing before him. It was her. The dark-haired girl he had seen at the hospital.

“Who are you?” he asked, staring deep into her eyes, those ocean-colored eyes.

“My name’s Olivia Caisson,” she replied, shifting.

“Olivia. You live around here?” he asked.

She tilted her head to one side, looking surprised. “Yeah, I live right there,” she replied, pointing to the house next door to his.

“Really?? Since when?” Nick asked.

“Just a few weeks. But you… well, you haven’t really been here lately, so I guess you didn’t know,” Olivia said, still looking slightly perplexed.

Nick felt his cheeks turn pink at her words. She obviously knew of what had happened to him. But how? That was supposed to be kept private.

Nick wasn’t sure if she knew he had recognized her, but he decided not to play dumb. “I saw you at the hospital,” he blurted.

Now it was Olivia’s turn to blush. She shifted her eyes downward. “Yeah,” she said.

“What were you doing there?” Nick asked. “I mean, how did you know?”

Olivia gave him a strange look. “You mean, your family never told you… about me?”

Nick frowned in confusion. “No… what about you?”

She bit her lip. “Well, um… I- I was the one who… found you,” she stammered, hesitantly.

“Found me? You mean, after I…?”

She nodded, as Nick trailed off. “Yeah… I was on my way over to complain about your music. I rang your bell, but no one answered, and so I kinda went inside cause I was worried, and I eventually found you passed out on the bed.”

Nick stared at her in wonder. “No one ever told me…” he said softly.

She shrugged. “It’s not something you talk about around the dinner table,” she said dryly.

“So my family met you?” Nick asked.

Olivia nodded and told him the story about how she had ran into Aaron at the hospital, who had later introduced her to the rest of the Carter family.

“Wow… I had no idea,” Nick commented, looking rather astonished. “Thank you.”

She smiled slightly, looking embarrassed. “You don’t have to thank me. I didn’t do anything that any other person would have done in that situation. It’s just lucky that everything happened the way it did. I’m glad you’re still here. I mean, I know I don’t really know you, but I was really worried.”

He lowered his head in humiliation. “I’m sorry for putting you in that position,” he said softly.

“Don’t be sorry. Just be glad you’re alive,” she said firmly.

He nodded, looking back up into her eyes. “I am.”

She gazed back levelly at him. “Good,” she replied. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself, she shivered. “Gosh, it gets kinda cold out here at night, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does,” Nick said. He pulled off his gray hooded sweatshirt and handed it to her. “Here, put this on.”

Olivia looked at him in surprise. “Aren’t you cold?” she asked, eyeing the thin T-shirt he was wearing underneath the sweatshirt.

Nick already had goosebumps on his arms, but he shook his head. “Naw, I’m fine,” he replied casually. “Take it.” He thrust the sweatshirt towards her again.

The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile, and she accepted the sweatshirt. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied, watching as she pulled it over her head.

“Ahh, that’s much better,” said Olivia, hugging her arms to her chest.

Nick smiled. “I hope you don’t mind hanging out here with me,” he said.

“No, I don’t mind. Especially now that I’m warm,” she said, with a teasing grin.

He returned her smile. “So, do you live all alone, or with your parents, or what?” he asked, glancing at her house.

“Alone,” she replied. “My parents are in Iowa, where I grew up. They bought this house for me.”

“Wow. Nice parents,” Nick said, looking impressed. “So, you’re from Iowa? That’s pretty far from here. How come you came to live in Tampa all by yourself?” he asked.

“Mostly for the ocean. I’ve always loved the ocean, and of course, there’s no oceans in Iowa,” Olivia explained.

Nick smiled widely. “That’s why I live here too,” he said. “I love the ocean too.”

Olivia nodded, smiling back at him. Nick wondered if she sensed the same connection he felt towards her. While he was sometimes shy with people he didn’t know, he found Olivia easy to talk to, and they already had found something they had in common. Nick could easily picture the two of them having more conversations like that… and maybe even more.

You’re dreaming, Carter, he told himself. She’s not gonna want to hang around you. She probably thinks you’re a self-absorbed, suicidal freak. He frowned.

“What’s the matter?” Olivia asked suddenly, interrupting his thoughts.

“Huh?” Nick looked up at her blankly.

“You frowned just now. Whatcha thinking about?”

Nick blushed. “Nothing,” he answered quickly. “Nothing at all.”

***

Chapter 10

It was getting late, and Olivia was tired, but she wasn’t ready to go inside yet. She and Nick had been sitting on the beach, right down by the ocean, for over an hour. They had hit it off right away and had talked about all kinds of things.

The conversation slowly died down. Olivia found herself gazing out at the dark ocean, sparkling in the moonlight. It was so beautiful, even at night. She didn’t think she would ever get over its majestic beauty, no matter how long she lived there. Which won’t be much longer, she reminded herself sadly.

“So… you got a boyfriend?” Nick asked, shaking her out of her thoughts.

“Huh? Oh… no, I don’t,” Olivia replied absently. Suddenly, she realized what he had just asked her and immediately wondered if it meant anything. “How about you? You got a girlfriend?” she asked, rather flirtatiously.

Nick smiled slightly. “Nope, not right now,” he said. “I saw this girl Tiffany a few times awhile ago, but we never really hit it off. Just didn’t have much in common, I guess.” He gave her a sidelong glance.

She nodded. “Yeah. Well, they do say opposites attract. But I think common interests are better for relationships.”

He nodded in agreement. “I think so too. So you really aren’t seeing anyone right now?”

She had to smile at his sudden repeat of his old question. “No, I’m really not,” she laughed. “Why?”

He shrugged. “It just seems weird for a pretty girl like you not to have a boyfriend,” he said, glancing away from her.

Olivia stared at him in wonderment. She wished it was daylight so she could see his face better, because from the tone of his voice, it sounded like he was blushing. She began to seriously wonder if he could possibly have taken interest in her. Of course, he could have just been making conversation, but why would he keep bringing it up if it was only a random conversation topic? She wished she knew what he was feeling, but decided to play it cool and keep acting flirty.

“Oh really?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Well, I’m wondering the same thing about you, Mr. Backstreet Boy. I figured you would have tons of girlfriends.”

He grinned. “Just cause I have tons of girls liking me doesn’t mean I like them back. I dunno, I’m just waiting for the right girl to come along.”

Olivia nodded. “I hope she does,” she replied.

He eyed her, smiling that half smile he was famous for. “Maybe she already has, and I just haven’t realized it yet.”

Olivia returned the slight smile. “I hope you figure it out soon,” she replied softly, never taking her eyes off of him.

Olivia was no expert on guys, but she knew Nick was definitely flirting with her. But was he serious? Or was he just playing around? She was surprised to find herself hoping for the first choice.

But I hardly even know him! her mind protested. But her heart argued, Maybe not. But I like him.

***

The next morning, Olivia did not wake up until almost eleven o’clock. By then, the sun was high in the sky, making her bedroom sunny and bright. She rubbed her eyes tiredly, squinting in the sunlight streaming through her windows, and lazily got out of bed.

She was downstairs fixing herself some toast when she saw Nick come out onto his back porch from her window. He had two small pugs on leashes with him.

Olivia quickly spread butter on her toast and carried her plate out onto her back porch. “Hey!” she called to Nick, who was walking his dogs along the beach.

He turned, shielding his eyes from the sun, and waved to her. Then, tugging lightly on his dogs’ leashes, he walked towards her porch.

Olivia set down her plate and walked down onto the sandy beach to meet him. “Good morning,” he greeted, smiling.

“Morning,” she replied, returning his smile. She noticed him studying her and suddenly felt self-conscious, realizing she was still dressed in her boxers and T-shirt and hadn’t had a shower yet. She had no make-up on, and her hair probably was a mess. “So, uh, who are these little guys?” she asked, glancing at the two dogs.

“This is Willy, and this is Mikey,” Nick introduced, bending down to pet the pugs. (AN: I don’t know if Willy and Mikey are still alive or what, but we’ll just pretend they both are in this story, lol)

Olivia nodded and offered them her hand so they could sniff it. One of the dogs immediately started licking it, and she smiled.

“So, what are you up to today?” Olivia asked.

Nick shrugged. “Not much. Just taking these guys for a walk before I have to go to my doctor’s appointment.”

“Doctor’s appointment? Is something wrong, or is it just a check-up?” Olivia asked, then immediately regretted it, realizing she probably sounded nosy.

Nick shifted uncomfortably. “Well, no, it’s not a regular doctor. It’s a… um… well, it’s a psychiatrist.” He glanced down, obviously embarrassed to admit it.

“Oh,” she replied casually. Noticing him start to blush, she added, “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know.”

He glanced up sheepishly and shrugged. “I know. I just… wasn’t sure how you’d take it, you know?”

She smiled. “You have nothing to worry about. I understand.”

He returned her smile, looking relieved. “Thanks,” he replied gratefully.

“Not a problem.”

“So,” he began to ask, “you doing anything interesting today?”

She shrugged. “Nope, not that I know of,” she said. “I’m just gonna chill out. I just got up actually, if you can’t already tell.” She laughed lightly, glancing down at herself. “Sorry for looking like crap.”

He smiled, blushing ever so slightly. “You don’t have to apologize. I think you look great.”

Now it was Olivia’s turn to blush. “Aw, stop it. You’re just being nice.”

“No, really. I don’t think you could ever look ‘like crap’, Olivia. You’re beautiful,” he said sincerely, blushing even more.

Olivia was taken back by his forwardness and the genuineness in his voice. “Thank you,” she replied, awed.

“You’re welcome,” he replied softly, smiling his half-smile. “Well, we better get going. I’ll see ya around, okay?”

“Sure,” she replied, heading back up onto her porch, as he walked the dogs on down the beach.

***

Chapter 11

That afternoon, Olivia had a splitting headache. She lay on the couch, gritting her teeth to fight off the pain in her head.

Suddenly, the phone rang, startling her. Moaning, she struggled to sit up and grabbed the cordless from the coffee table. “Hello?” she answered weakly.

“Hey, Olivia? It’s Nick,” came Nick’s voice.

Despite her pain, Olivia smiled. “Oh, hey, Nick,” she said.

“Are you okay? You sound weird.”

“I’ve just got a headache,” Olivia replied.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Nick said sympathetically. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you called.”

“Oh, good,” he said. She could hear the smile in his voice. “Well, I was wanting to ask you something…”

“Sure, what?”

“You ever been water skiing?”

“Water skiing? No, I haven’t,” she replied.

“Really? Well, do you wanna learn? Cause I got a new speedboat that I haven’t really used much yet, and I was gonna take her out tomorrow. I thought maybe you would come with me.”

“Oh, Nick, that sounds great!” Olivia replied, a wide smile crossing her face. Even though she had lived by the ocean for over a month now, she didn’t have a boat of her own and hadn’t been out on the ocean. Going out with Nick sounded wonderful.

“Awesome,” Nick said. “If we go out early in the day, it won’t be as hot. So what do you say we meet at… oh… eight tomorrow morning?”

“Sounds good,” she said. “You want me to come over to your place?”

“Sure,” he replied.

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you at eight then.”

“Okay, cool. Well, I better let you go now. See you tomorrow,” Nick said.

“Yup. Bye, Nick,” Olivia replied and hung up, feeling much better than she had before.

Wanting a glass of water, Olivia started to get up from the couch to head into the kitchen. But as soon as she was on her feet, a dizzy sensation came over her, and she wobbled, sinking back down onto the couch and closing her eyes.

A couple minutes later, when she was sure the vertigo had passed, she slowly got back up and walked into the kitchen. She got herself some ice water and sipped it slowly. As she glanced around the room, she caught sight of her calendar, hanging next to refrigerator. As she studied it, her heart sank.

“Oh, no… I forgot about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” she murmured, focusing on the red words scrawled under the following day’s date. “Now what am I supposed to do? I already promised Nick I would go out on his boat. I can’t just cancel. He’ll think I was just stringing him along.”

She sighed. “Well, I’ll just reschedule the stupid doctor’s appointment then,” she said, shrugging. “That’s no big deal. I’ll call the office right now.”

As she dialed the number to the doctor’s office, she felt bad, knowing how mad her parents would be if they found out she was canceling a doctor’s appointment to go boating with some guy she didn’t even know that well. Luckily, my parents aren’t here, Olivia thought. I’m nineteen now, and I can do whatever I want.

“Dr. Brandt’s office,” came a tired sounding woman’s voice.

“Hi, my name is Olivia Caisson, and I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning that I need to cancel,” Olivia explained.

“What time was the appointment?” the woman asked.

“Nine thirty.”

“Let’s see… here it is. Would you like to reschedule that?”

“Yeah. When’s the next available day?” Olivia asked.

“Hold on, let me look,” the woman said, and Olivia patiently waited. “There’s nothing open until September sixth.”

Olivia’s mouth dropped open. That was close to two months away. But she knew how busy doctors were. “Okay, that’s fine,” she said grudgingly. “What time?”

“There’s a spot open at nine. Will that work out for you?”

“Yup, that sounds good,” Olivia replied.

“Okay, I’ll add you in then,” the woman said.

“Thanks. Goodbye,” Olivia said and hung up.

***

Chapter 12

By eight thirty the next morning, Olivia was sitting beside Nick in speedboat. It was wonderful – the wind in her face, the mist of the ocean water splashing onto her face, as the boat crashed through the waves.

“You having fun?” Nick shouted over the loud motor.

“Yeah!” she cried back, grinning from ear to ear. “This is awesome!”

Nick returned her smile and increased the speed on the boat, taking her further out into the ocean.

The day was beautiful, sunny and warm, but not too hot yet, since it was only morning. Perfect weather for boating. If only she could have felt perfect. She had woken up with another headache that morning. She had taken some pills for it, and it had dulled, but she still didn’t feel that great. She was tired and felt sort of strange. But despite that, she was having a great time in the boat and never wanted it to end.

After a few more minutes, Nick let the speed die down until they came to a stop. “So, you wanna try and water ski?” he asked.

“Oh, I dunno…” Olivia said uncertainly. “I’ve never been before.” That was true, but also, she wasn’t sure she felt up to even attempting to try. It sounded fun, but she was so tired and achy feeling.

“Well, how about tubing?” he asked. “Ever done that?”

“Tubing? No…” she replied slowly.

“It’s fun. And much easier than water skiing. All you have to do is hold on.”

“Hold on?” Olivia watched as he climbed into the back of the boat and pulled out a big inflatable tube, a durable-looking one with a bottom in it and handles on the sides. There was a rope tied to it, which he unwound. Tying the other end of the rope to the back of the boat, he tossed the big tube into water.

He then folded down the little ladder on the end of the boat so that it was down in the water. He reeled the tube in until it was floating up right against the ladder.

“Come here, Liv,” he said, motioning to the ladder. Glancing up, he asked, “Anyone call you that? Liv?”

“No, not really,” Olivia replied. “You can call me that though if you want to. I like it. Like Liv Tyler.”

“Only more beautiful,” Nick commented, raising his eyebrows at her quickly and then turning back to the tube, checking the rope to make sure it was tied securely.

Olivia was left gaping at him, the corners of her mouth turning up in a slight smile. She shook her head, grinning, and came over to him.

“So you want me to get in this thing?” she asked, motioning to the tube.

“Yup. Oh, wait, hang on a minute. First, you need this.” He opened up a storage compartment and pulled out a lime green life jacket.

“Oh, I can sw-“ Olivia started, but he pushed it into her arms.

“I know, but I still want you to wear it. There’s an undertow in the ocean and everything, and you don’t want to get sucked under,” he explained.

“Oh. Okay,” she said with a shrug, putting the life jacket on over her red, flowered bikini.

“Okay, now climb in,” Nick instructed, holding the tube in place while Olivia carefully stepped down the ladder and into the tube. It was big enough for her to sit in on her knees. “Now, the best way to do this is to lie on your stomach over the tube, with your legs hanging out behind you.”

“Really?” Olivia asked, not sure how comfortable that would be. But she did it, rolling onto her stomach. She held onto the handles with her hands and rested her chin on the firm rubber of the side of the tube, while her legs stuck straight out behind her. It wasn’t too bad of a position actually.

“Okay, now I’m gonna start the boat up. If you want me to go faster, just give me a thumbs up. If you want to slow down, give me a thumbs down. And if you want to stop, just hold your hand up. I’ll watch for your signals, okay?”

“Okay,” Olivia said, nodding.

“Okay, you ready?” he asked.

“Yup, I think so,” she said, nodding again.

“Okay,” he said, and pushed the tube away from the boat. “Here we go!” he called, as he made his way back up to the front of the boat and sat down.

As he started the motor, Olivia felt a little tug on the rope. As he gained speed, her tube was roughly jerked forward as it was pulled behind the boat. The ride was tame at first, bouncing along small waves. But as the boat went faster, the waves behind it grew bigger, the tube began to fly up in the air as it crashed over them, landing back in the water with hard smacks.

Olivia could feel her whole body bouncing up into the air with each jolt of the tube. The whole thing vibrated and shook beneath her, and she was actually a little afraid. But as they went on, she got used to all the jerking and bouncing and began to enjoy herself. She gripped onto the handles so tightly that her knuckles turned white, afraid that she would fly right off, but she grinned and laughed, as the seawater sprayed her in the face.

She saw Nick turn back and grin at her every few seconds, and she would just smile back, too afraid to let go enough to wave at him. It was most intense than she had thought it would be, but it was also a whole lot of fun.

That is, until her headache decided to come back. Suddenly, in between the jerky bouncing of the tube, her head hurt so badly she could barely see. She suddenly felt dizzy, and the world began to spin. She could feel herself slipping off the tube, and terrified, she gripped the handles as tightly as she could.

She quickly managed to let go with one hand and flailed her arm in the air, trying to get Nick to stop. But as she did so, the tube hit a huge wave, and before she knew it, her other hand had slipped from its grip on the handle, and she was airborne.

The last thing she remembered was a stinging smack, as she landed with a splat in the water and the pain that radiated through her whole body immediately after. She went under, the salty water entering her nose, making her nostrils burn. And before the life jacket pulled her back up to the surface, everything had gone black.

***

Chapter 13

Nick glanced back to wave at Olivia again, only to find that the tube was empty.

“Shit,” he cursed, slowing down and turning off the motor. He got to the back of the boat and looked around. Where was she?

His eyes panned across the water, and suddenly, he spotted her bright green life jacket. “Liv!” he shouted. His eyes narrowed as he watched her. Something was wrong.

She was slumped into the water, her head hanging down. The only thing keeping her afloat was the life jacket. He could see her arms floating out beside her, making no attempt to paddle.

“Olivia!” he cried again, his voice rising in panic. What had happened?

She was a ways back in the water, so he started up the boat again and slowly turned around and came back for her. Then he raced back to the back of the boat and leaped off the end, swimming as fast as he could towards her limp form.

“Olivia?” he asked, pulling her close to him and giving her a gentle shake. She didn’t move, only continued to bob up and down with the waves.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” he murmured, panicked, as he began to swim back to his boat, dragging her along with him.

He hoisted her up onto the back of the boat and then climbed up himself. He spread Olivia flat on the deck and, with shaking fingers, unzipped her wet life jacket.

Was she breathing? Nick bent closer to her, and to his relief, he could hear her taking ragged breaths.

“Come on, Liv, wake up,” he urged, patting her cheeks, trying to revive her. He wasn’t sure what had happened. Had her head hit the water too hard when she fell and knocked her out? Or had she simply fainted?

Whatever it was, he didn’t have to worry about it too much longer, for at that moment, Olivia’s beautiful blue eyes opened.

“Liv,” Nick cried in relief. “Are you okay?”

She struggled to pull herself into a sitting position, and Nick quickly put his hand behind her back to support her, watching her in concern. “You all right?” he asked again.

“Yeah,” she murmured finally, reaching up with one hand to massage one of her temples.

“What happened? Did you hit your head?” he asked.

“No… I think I passed out,” she admitted, looking royally embarrassed.

“Really? Well, are you gonna be okay? Should we head back?” Nick asked.

“No, no, I’ll be fine,” she insisted quickly. “I just get these headaches every once in awhile, you see. I had one this morning, and it went away for awhile, but it came back all of a sudden right as I was on that tube.

“Are they migraines?” he asked sympathetically.

“Yeah, they are,” she replied, purposely looking away. Her headaches were not migraines at all, and she knew it. But Nick didn’t have to. Not yet anyway. Not when they had such a good thing going. It would ruin everything if he knew the real story. And that was the last thing Olivia wanted. But eventually, she realized, the truth would come out.

***

By eleven, Olivia’s headache had worn off, and she felt much better. Nick had stopped the boat, and the two of them lay sunbathing on the back deck area.

“You look like you’re getting sunburned,” Nick commented, noticing Olivia’s pink cheeks. “Do you have sunscreen on?”

“I put some on this morning, but it’s probably worn off by now,” she replied.

“I’ve got some,” he said, getting up to get a bottle of Sunblock. “Here, sit up.”

Olivia sat up, and Nick crawled around behind her. He squirted some sunscreen onto his hands and gently massaged it all over her back.

“Ooh, it’s cold,” Olivia giggled, the hairs on her neck standing up. A little shiver ran through her, but she wasn’t sure if it was from the sunscreen or Nick’s touch.

“Thank you,” she said, when he was done.

“My pleasure,” he replied, stretching out on his back.

Olivia glanced at him, at his long, tanned body, his sun-bleached blonde hair. There was no denying how good-looking he was. The boy was hot. And even better, he was nice too. He seemed practically perfect, too good to be true.

But Olivia knew he wasn’t perfect, and so did he. There was something inside him that had forced him to do what he had done, the night she first “met” him. But what was it? What could have pushed him to try and take his life?

It was a question that had haunted her for weeks, ever since it had happened. And now that she knew him better, it puzzled her even more. Nick was such a good-natured, fun-loving guy; at least, it seemed that way. She hadn’t any idea why someone that had everything – good looks, a great personality, an awesome job, lots of money, and his pick of nearly any girl in the world – would attempt suicide.

“Why did you do it?” she asked suddenly, unable to keep the question to herself any longer.

“Huh?” Nick took off his sunglasses and rolled over to face her. “Why did I do what?”

“Why did you try to ki-… well, you know.”

Nick glanced away and sighed heavily. “You sound like my shrink.”

“I’m sorry. I was just wondering. You know, most people look at a guy like you and think, Wow, he’s got everything. But that’s not true, is it?”

Nick pursed his lips together tightly. “I dunno. You’ll probably think I’m selfish. Those people are probably right. I’m rich and famous… what else could I possibly want?”

“Well, there must be something. Otherwise, why would you do that? What would make you think that life wasn’t worth living anymore?” Olivia pushed.

He frowned. “You don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t. But if you’d just tell me why, then I would.”

He sighed. And then he opened up to her. “I dunno, it was just everything. We’d just gotten done with the tour, and I came home, and I just felt… depressed. I’m not even really sure why. It wasn’t just one thing. It was lots of things. I felt so alone. I broke up with my girlfriend last year, and I haven’t really dated much since. I missed having a relationship, and having a girl to come home to, someone to talk to. And then there are all the jokes and all the rumors that have been bothering me for years.”

“What jokes?” Olivia asked.

“About my weight. That I’m too fat. And about Mandy, my ex. That she beat me up and kidnapped my dogs and spent all my money, like I was some kind of weak, gullible idiot for ever going out with her. I mean, yeah, I made a mistake by dating her, but it wasn’t like all that at all. But that doesn’t stop all the jokes. People think I’m stupid. They say our group has no talent, that we just lip sync, that we can’t write our own material. They say that we were manufactured, like we’re some kind of dolls, not five different people with five different personalities. And they say that we’re not going to last much longer, that all our fans will grow up and move on, and that pop music is going to die out. People are vicious, you know that?”

Olivia watched Nick intently, her heart going out to him. He had so much built up inside of him, and he had obviously never let it out to anyone before.

“I know,” she said softly, reaching out and gently touching his shoulder. “And I know this is hard, but you just have to ignore people. You’re not fat or stupid, and you are talented. Extremely talented. And your fans aren’t just going to betray you. You have fans of all ages. They’ll always be there for you. The critics just like to be difficult.”

“Yeah,” he said dully.

“And, you know, it’s not like you’ll never get into another relationship. You’ll find someone someday, the girl that’s just perfect for you, and you’ll fall in love. But sometimes you have to wait for that. You can’t just force yourself to be attracted to someone. It just happens.”

Nick nodded, looking deeply into her eyes. “You sound like an expert on this stuff.”

Olivia laughed slightly. “Not really,” she admitted. “I’ve never been in love before.”

“Neither have I, really. Not true love, anyway,” Nick replied. “But don’t worry. Like you said, it’ll happen someday. For both of us.”

Olivia smiled tightly and put her sunglasses on, so that Nick wouldn’t see the sadness in her eyes.

***

Chapter 14

One week later

Have you ever had one of those days where just about everything seems to be going wrong? As soon as Olivia woke up that morning, she could tell it was going to be one of those days.

It was still dim in her room when she woke up, and so, assuming it was still very early in the morning, Olivia rolled over to glance at the clock, prepared to go right back to sleep.

But when she caught sight of the digital red numbers on the clock on her night table, she gasped and squinted at it. 11:30? Olivia never slept that late. And she had gone to bed before midnight the night before. That meant she had slept about twelve hours straight.

And why was it so dark? A clap of thunder sounded, answering her question. She then became aware of the raindrops clattering onto the gutter on the roof outside her bedroom window.

Olivia groaned. She hated rain, especially now that she practically lived on the beach. What a drag.

But as she felt the pressure building in her head, she no longer cared about the rain. Within minutes, she had another splitting headache, one of the worst she had had in weeks.

The throbbing pain just got worse and worse, nearly bringing tears to her eyes. She longed to just go back to sleep, for although she had had twelve hours of sleep, she still felt exhausted. But the pain would not allow her any comfort.

Olivia moaned as she struggled to sit up. She got out from under her warm covers and slowly swung her legs over the side of the bed. As she stood up, her vision darkened as momentary dizziness plagued her. She stood still for a few seconds, until she could see clearly again, and then staggered into her bathroom.

She opened up the medicine cabinet and took out her bottle of Excedrin, her new best friend, it seemed. “Great,” she muttered, as she shook the last two pills out of the bottle. “Now I’ll have to run to the drugstore and pick up some more.”

The thought of that made her feel even more fatigued. She could barely walk, let alone drive to the store.

Suddenly, a wave of nausea came over her. Olivia dropped the pills in her hand, quickly using it to cover her mouth as she rushed over to the toilet. Seconds later, she was leaning over it, retching violently.

When she was finished, she flushed the toilet and sank down onto the tiled floor of the bathroom, too weak and sick to even stand back up. The cold tiles felt good on her clammy skin. Suddenly very sleepy, Olivia lay down right on the bathroom floor and closed her eyes. Moments later, she was out cold.

***

A few hours later

Nick sighed as he hung up the phone. He had been trying to call Olivia for the past three hours. But she was either not home or not answering the phone. And he didn’t think she was gone. After all, her car was parked in the driveway, and it was pouring rain outside, so he doubted she would go out on foot.

Nick wondered what was up with her lately. She hadn’t been out much the past week, and they hadn’t done anything since the boat trip. Maybe it was her headaches again. He knew that she got bad migraines. Maybe she was taking a nap or something.

Nick glanced out his window and over to her house. He could see her garbage cans still sitting at the top of the driveway, turned upside down from when the garbage truck had been by, hours earlier.

Maybe I should go over and bring her garbage cans up to her garage for her so she won’t have to go out into the rain to get them, Nick thought. Nodding, he slipped on his shoes and headed out the front door.

He hauled her wet, plastic garbage cans up her long driveway and set them by her garage door. Then he headed up to her front porch, hoping to ring the bell and find out if she was home.

Lying on the porch steps was the morning paper. Nick frowned at it, wondering why she hadn’t brought it in yet. The newspaper was wrapped in a plastic covering, but Nick could see that rain was somehow seeping into it, for the ink on the paper was starting to run.

Picking it up, he hurried up onto the porch, taking cover from the rain under the overhang, and rang her doorbell. He waited a moment, and when no one answered, he rang it again.

He rang it several more times after that and then tried the knob. It was locked, either because she was gone or hadn’t let unlocked it from the night before. But if she had left the house earlier that day, wouldn’t she have gotten the paper and garbage cans before she left?

Something didn’t seem right to Nick, and he didn’t feel comfortable just leaving the paper there on her porch and heading back to his house. He tried the doorknob again, to make sure it wasn’t just stuck, but it wouldn’t turn at all.

Nick frowned, then thought of something. He lifted up a corner of the mat he was standing on, and sure enough, there was a key lying under it. He personally thought it was a stupid thing to do to leave a key somewhere like that, but in this case, it had come in handy for him.

He used the key to unlock the front door and went inside, quietly wiping his wet feet off on the rug in the foyer. Glancing around, he saw no sign of life and heard nothing either.

“Olivia!” he called. He looked into the living room first, but it was empty. Same with the kitchen and all the other downstairs rooms. So he headed upstairs.

“Olivia?” he asked again, as he walked slowly down the hall. The door to her bedroom was closed. He went up to it and softly knocked. No answer.

Quietly, he turned the knob and pushed the door open just enough so he could peek in. He saw that Olivia’s bed was unmade, but she was not in it.

Nick opened the door wider and stuck his head in, looking around the room. She was not in there. But then he saw that the bathroom light was on, the door partway open.

“Olivia?” he called softly, stepping into the bedroom. He walked through the bedroom and peered into the bathroom. And he gasped.

***

Chapter 15

“Olivia!”

She was lying on her side on the bathroom floor, her eyes closed. Her skin looked paler than its normally light shade, and she was breathing raggedly.

And then Nick saw the empty bottle of Excedrin sitting on the counter and a couple of pills lying on the floor. He let out a choked cry.

“Oh God!” he cried, sinking to the floor beside Olivia. His first thought was that she had taken the whole bottle of pills.

“Olivia, wake up!” he cried, shaking her. “Come on, Liv, open your eyes! Please!”

Panicked, he leaped up and raced into her bedroom, grabbing the phone. He punched in the numbers 911 and told the woman that answered that his neighbor had overdosed on headache medicine.

When he brought the phone back into the bathroom to check on her breathing, he was shocked to see that she was waking up.

“Um… never mind,” he told the operator sheepishly. “She just woke up. She must have just fainted or something.”

“Is she all right?” the operator asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” he said, glancing down at Olivia, who was looking up at him, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

He hung up the phone and sighed in relief. “God, Liv, you scared the hell outta me!” he exclaimed. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Olivia pulled herself into a sitting position and blinked. “I don’t know,” she mumbled. “I don’t remember.”

Nick frowned. “Was it another headache?” he asked, eyeing the Excedrin bottle.

Olivia followed his gaze, and slowly, the events of the morning came back to her. “Yeah,” she said slowly. “A headache. I was so tired. I just lay down in here, and I guess I must have fallen asleep.”

Nick wasn’t sure if she had just “fallen asleep” or passed out, but he wasn’t going to ask. She was still a little disoriented.

“Is the headache gone now?” he asked.

“Not really,” she murmured. “There’s so much pressure.”

“Pressure?”

“Yeah.” Without warning, Olivia pulled herself up from the floor and staggered towards the bathroom door.

“Where you going?” Nick asked in alarm.

“I have to go to the store… get more pills,” Olivia mumbled, her speech sounding slurred. She started out the door, only to crash right into the door frame.

“Liv?” Nick asked in shock, as Olivia wheeled backwards. She started to fall over, but he quickly grabbed her around the waist and steadied her. “Olivia, I think you need to sit down,” he said, watching her warily.

“Yeah…” she slurred, starting to sink to the floor. But all of a sudden, her eyes rolled back in her head, and her body went rigid. She started to go into a seizure right there in Nick’s arms.

“Olivia!” he cried, quickly sinking to the floor and laying her body out on the ground. He watched helplessly as her whole body convulsed. Then, quickly coming to his senses, he grabbed the phone from the bathroom counter, where he had sat it earlier, and dialed 911 again.

***

When Olivia opened her eyes, the familiar bathroom in her house was gone, replaced by a strange room. As her senses took in everything around her, the annoying beeping sounds, the tubes running into her nostrils and arms, and the nauseating antiseptic smell, Olivia realized she could only be in one place – the hospital.

A woman in pink scrubs walked into the room just then, confirming Olivia’s suspicions.

”Miss Caisson. Glad to see you’re awake,” she said. “My name’s Brenda, and I’m a nurse. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Olivia said groggily. She felt not only tired, but weird too, sort of like she was floating. Must be the drugs they had given her.

“You feel up to having visitors?” Brenda asked.

“My mom and dad?” Olivia wondered how long she had been out; could her parents already have come down from Iowa?

“No, they’re not here. I can call them, if you want,” Brenda offered.

“No, that’s fine. Who’s here?” Olivia asked curiously.

“A young man. Says he’s your neighbor. He came here right after you were brought in,” Brenda replied.

Olivia groaned. Nick. “I dunno…” she said hesitantly.

“He’s really anxious to see you. He’s been very worried,” Brenda added. “Will you let him come in, just for a few minutes? Then I can get him out of here.”

“Okay, fine,” she replied finally. Brenda gave her a knowing smile and left the room. Olivia sighed, wishing she had not said yes. She didn’t want Nick to see her like this.

But, just minutes later, there he was, coming into her room, a worried expression on his face.

“Liv,” he said eagerly, pulling up a chair next to her bed and sitting down. “How are you feeling? You scared me to death, you know that?”

“Sorry,” she muttered, offering him a sheepish smile.

“Do they know what’s wrong with you yet? Why this happened?” Nick asked anxiously.

“I don’t know; no one’s been in to talk to me yet,” Olivia replied. “I guess they’ll want to run some tests.”

Nick nodded. “I hope it’s nothing serious.”

Olivia forced a smile. “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” she managed to say. But deep down, she knew the truth. She was not fine. And she would never be.

***

Chapter 16


AN: Okay, you’ve all been asking, “What’s wrong with Olivia?” You’re now going to finally find out…


That night, Olivia lay awake for hours, alone in her hospital room. Nick had gone home much earlier, and Olivia had insisted that her parents not be called yet. She knew how much they worried about her, living by herself in Tampa, and she didn’t want to upset them. Not yet anyway. But if this was what she thought it was, she knew they would need to be called soon.

And what she thought it was was something that terrified her. It scared her so much, she could not get to sleep. And when she finally did, she dreamed about it, about the day that had changed her life forever…


Olivia stared deeply into the doctor’s serious brown eyes, listening intently as he spoke to her and her parents.

“After running many tests on Olivia, I believe we’ve found the problem.”

Olivia’s heart hammered, and her palms sweat. She unknowingly held her breath, as the doctor went on in a grave tone.

“Olivia has a brain tumor.”


Those five words had completely shattered her life. No longer was she just a normal eighteen year old girl, getting ready to head off to college. She was now a girl who had a malignant tumor growing in her head.

Her tumor was a brain stem glioma, a cancerous tumor that grew quickly. For months after her diagnosis, which had been almost a year earlier, in August of 2000, she had undergone radiation treatments in hopes of shrinking the tumor, which was inoperable because of its size and location.

She was supposed to have gone to Florida State just weeks after she was diagnosed, but she did not. Although she could have gone and scheduled her radiation sessions in between classes, Olivia chose not to. The diagnosis was still too fresh, too shocking. The thought of moving away from home and living in Florida, with a bunch of people she didn’t even know wasn’t so appealing anymore. She wanted to stay at home, where her family and doctors were, and not have to think about studying and attending classes in between getting her radiation treatments, which exhausted her.

By that winter, Olivia’s tumor had gone dormant, putting her into remission. It had not shrunken completely or even significantly, but her doctor had explained that it could stay dormant for years.

Olivia remained living at home for the rest of the winter and part of spring, but as May passed by, she grew restless. She did not want to stay in Iowa forever. She had wanted to move to Florida, somewhere by the ocean, and live on her own. And her parents understood this. And, being their only daughter, who they had come so close to losing, they bought her the beautiful beach-side house she was living at now.

And up until lately, everything had been perfect. The house was beautiful, the ocean was breathtaking, Nick was wonderful, and she had been feeling perfect. But when the headaches had started up again, followed by the dizziness and the nausea and the fainting spells, Olivia knew something was wrong. The tumor was back. It hadn’t been confirmed by any doctor yet, but Olivia already knew deep down that that’s what it was. The symptoms she was suffering were the same as before her first diagnosis, the year before.

She had tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, as if maybe that would make it all go away. That was why she had not gone to the doctor. But it had caught up with her, and there was no more pretending.

And soon, the worst part would come – having to tell Nick. She liked Nick, and she was pretty sure he liked her back. But what would happen when he found out about her tumor? Olivia didn’t even want to know.

She thought back to the reactions of her friends and classmates back home when they had first heard. Some had felt sorry for her. Others had avoided her. Some showered her with sympathy, while others talked about her behind her back. Olivia hated both. She didn’t want sympathy, and she didn’t want to be the latest gossip. All she wanted was to be normal and to be treated the same as before her brain tumor.

It was the same way with Nick. He liked her now, but what would he do when he heard the news? Which type would he be? Olivia imagined the sympathetic type. But even worse, she could also picture him avoiding her, not coming over or calling anymore, basically just ignoring her. After all, Nick was a celebrity. He could have just about any girl he wanted. Why would he want to be with one that had a terminal illness?

***

By the next evening, Olivia had gone through a whole battery of tests – brain scans, MRI’s, blood tests, the works. And now a doctor was standing beside her bed, the expression on his face identical to that of the doctor who had diagnosed her, back in Iowa.

“I’m out of remission, aren’t I?” Olivia asked, before he could say the words.

The doctor nodded gravely. “I’m afraid it looks like your tumor has started growing again.”

Olivia nodded listlessly. She had known it all along, but somehow, hearing the doctor actually say the words made it even worse.

“So how will you treat it this time?” she asked. “More radiation? My oncologist in Iowa said chemo won’t work on this kind of tumor.”

“Well, I’m not an oncologist, so you’ll be assigned to another doctor. He’ll decide the best way to treat it,” the doctor explained.

“Okay,” Olivia replied.

“We’ll be moving you to the Oncology floor later this evening, and then you’ll meet your new doctor.”

Olivia nodded.

“I’m very sorry about this news,” the doctor said apologetically.

Olivia shrugged. “It’s okay,” she replied softly. “I’ll get through this.” She tried to sound hopeful. She tried to have faith. But it was all just an act. Really, she was scared to death.

***

Chapter 17

The next morning, Olivia awoke bright and early. It was hard to sleep in a hospital, partly because of the nurses coming in all night long to take her vital signs and check up on her, and partly because of the fear and nervousness that plagued her.

She had just propped her bed up and flipped on the TV for something to take her mind off of everything else, when a nurse popped her head in.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” she said. “You have a visitor.”

“Send them in,” Olivia replied, thinking it was parents, who she had called the night before. They had been devastated by the news and had promised to be there as soon as they could get a flight out of Iowa.

“Okay,” the nurse replied and left. Moments later she returned. But the man with her was not Olivia’s father.

“Nick!” Olivia cried, feeling suddenly panicked. What was she going to say to him? How could she tell him?

Nick looked hurt by her display of shock. “I’m sorry. Do you not want me here?” he asked.

“Uh… no, no, you can stay. I was just expecting my parents, not you,” she replied, flustered.

“Oh. So your parents are coming?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded. “So, did you get the results of the tests they ran yesterday?”

Olivia bit her lip. What was she going to say? She could just lie and say they didn’t know anything yet. But that would just drag it out longer. She would have to tell him the truth eventually, no matter what. And she knew she should just get it over with and tell him now.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked, a worried expression appearing in his blue eyes. “Liv?”

Olivia swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fill her eyes. “It’s not good news, Nick,” she said in a choked whisper.

Nick’s heart began to pound rapidly. He knew then that something was very wrong with her. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to know how bad it was. But he had to ask.

“What is it?”

“It’s cancer.”

Nick felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe. He gaped at Olivia in shock, looking into her scared blue eyes, which had slowly begun to fill with tears. He shook his head, not wanting to believe it. But he knew she would not lie about it.

“H-how bad?” Nick stammered.

She wiped a tear from her cheek and sighed. “Pretty bad,” she replied honestly. “It’s a brain tumor. I’ve had it for a year now, and I was in remission. But now it’s back, and it’s inoperable.”

Nick felt overwhelmed. “Wait, you mean you’ve had a brain tumor all this time? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I… I dunno,” she said, glancing down. “I didn’t think it would bother me again. I thought that everything would be okay. There didn’t seem to be any reason to bring it up.”

Nick was too upset to be angry with her for not telling him. And she was right anyway. Although he would have liked to know, she had no obligation to fill him in on her medical history. They had only known each other a few weeks anyway.

“I understand,” he said softly. “Oh, Liv… I’m so sorry.”

She was silent.

“So how are they gonna treat it?” Nick asked. “Will you have to stay in the hospital for longer?”

“Radiation is the only way to treat it,” she replied. “And I’ll be able to go home soon. Maybe later today or tomorrow. I can get the radiation treatments as an outpatient.”

Nick nodded. “Well, will you need someone to take you to get them?” he asked.

“I can drive,” she snapped.

Nick frowned. “Well, okay…” he replied. “So, uh… when are your parents coming?”

“Whenever they can,” she replied. “They should be here soon, like later today.”

“That’s good,” he said. “Where will they stay? Your place?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah.”

Nick nodded, glancing around the room, pretending to study the drab wallpaper. Olivia just stared down at her hand. Neither one spoke. The silence was uncomfortable.

“Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?” Nick asked suddenly.

Olivia’s head shot up, and she gave him a strange look. “What?!”

“He didn’t have any guts,” he replied, chuckling to himself.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. He was making jokes at a time like this? But as she thought about it, she couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“That was one of the lamest jokes I’ve ever heard,” she told him.

He grinned. “I know. But it made you smile, didn’t it?”

Olivia smiled sheepishly. “Yeah.”

“Well, then, see? Lame or not, the joke served its purpose.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, but she had to admit, she felt a little better.

***

Chapter 18

“How are you feeling, honey?” asked Olivia’s father, Randy Caisson, a few hours later. He and his wife Melinda had just arrived in Tampa minutes earlier and had come straight to the hospital.

Olivia shrugged. “Tired,” she responded.

“How about your head? Are you in any pain?” her mother pressed.

“No, not really. They gave me some painkillers earlier, and those worked really well,” Olivia replied truthfully.

Melinda Caisson nodded, and an uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Olivia didn’t know what to say to her parents, and she knew they felt the same way. There was only one thing on all of their minds, and no one actually wanted to have to talk about it.

“So, how was your flight?” Olivia asked, hoping to change the subject.

“Long,” her father replied.

Melinda nodded. Suddenly, a troubled look came over her face. “Oh, Olivia, I should have never let you go live by yourself so far away from home!” she burst out, wringing her hands.

“What do you mean, Mom?” Olivia asked in surprise.

“You’ve been so far away from your doctors and your family and everything. And now this.”

“So? What does this have to do with where I live? It would have happened no matter what,” she said.

“Well, if you were still in Iowa, Dr. Larson would have caught it earlier. I can’t understand why your doctor here didn’t notice anything wrong at your appointment last week.”

Olivia glanced down guiltily. Her mother was referring to the appointment she had cancelled to go boating with Nick. “One week wouldn’t have made any difference, Mom,” she replied.

“Maybe not, but still… I can’t believe he didn’t catch it. It seems foolish for you to have to have a seizure all alone at your house and be rushed to the Emergency Room before they could find out what was wrong with you. Dr. Brandt should have been able to tell you last week that you were out of remission and start you on treatment right away. Why the idiots that they have in medicine these-” her mother ranted.

Olivia sighed. “Mom, I didn’t go see Dr. Brandt last week,” she confessed, interrupting her mother’s tirade.

Melinda stopped in mid-sentence. “What?!” she cried. “You didn’t go?!”

Olivia shook her head. “I felt… okay… and I figured it could wait.”

“You figured it could wait?! Olivia, this is your life we’re talking about! What on earth could you have had to do that was more important than your life?!”

Olivia suddenly felt petty and stupid, knowing her mother was probably right. But she had wanted so badly to go with Nick, and despite the tubing incident, she had had a wonderful time.

“I went boating with one of my neighbors,” she replied guiltily.

“Oh, Olivia, I’m so disappointed in you,” Melinda sighed, looking away from her daughter.

That hurt more than any yelling she could do. Olivia felt horrible.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, ashamed. Her mother didn’t reply, and when Olivia glanced up at her, she saw that Melinda’s eyes were filled with tears. And her father’s expression was so grim, it saddened Olivia just to look at him.

“Don’t cry,” Olivia said softly, resting her hand lightly on her mother’s shoulder. “I hate to see you cry.”

“I know,” Melinda replied, wiping her eyes. “I just can’t believe this is happening again.”

Olivia sighed. “Me neither.”

***

The next morning, Olivia was discharged from the hospital. She was happy to go home, but she knew she’d be coming back the next day for her first radiation treatment.

Olivia’s parents decided to stay for a week or so, to make sure their daughter would be able to adjust to her new treatments. They had already begged to her fly home to Iowa to continue her treatments there, but she had refused. She wanted to stay in her home beside the ocean, a place she had loved right from the start. And although she didn’t say it, she wanted to stay near Nick.

Olivia hadn’t seen her parents in over a month, and, this being her first time living out of her parents’ house, she had missed them. So she was happy to have them stay with her for a week.

However, by the next day, as much as she didn’t want to admit it, she wished they had at least gotten a hotel room. Because Olivia was an only child, her parents had always been overprotective. But the way they treated her now was worse than ever.

She was actually relieved when the time came for her morning radiation appointment.

“Do you want me to go with?” her mother had asked.

“No, I’d rather go alone,” Olivia had quickly responded.

A short while later, she was on her way to the clinic located inside the hospital, where she would be receiving her treatments.

The clinic was a bright, cheery little place… well, as cheery as you could get for a clinic. The waiting room was equipped with couches and chairs that were actually remotely comfortable, tables and chairs with crayons and coloring books for little kids, and a vending machine in one corner that held juice and soda.

Olivia gave the receptionist her name and sat down in one of the chairs to wait for her turn. She felt a few butterflies in her stomach, but she was not too nervous. After all, she had been through this before, just a year ago. She knew what it would be like.

The actual radiation treatment wasn’t bad at all. It didn’t hurt, and it took only seconds. It was the side effects that bothered her. It made her exhausted; sometimes she was so fatigued she could barely move.

Suddenly, a door next to the receptionist’s cubicle opened, and a nurse stepped into the waiting room. She glanced at her clipboard and said, “Olivia Caisson?”

Olivia stood up, glad she hadn’t had to wait too long. She was anxious to get this over with.

The nurse led her into an examining room and gave her a gown to change into.

“Dr. Avery will be in here in a few minutes,” she told Olivia, referring to her new oncologist.

“Okay,” Olivia said, and the nurse left to let Olivia change.

***

Chapter 19

About an hour later, Olivia was on her way home from the clinic. The treatment had gone fine, only lasting a few seconds. What had taken so long was the preparation. Dr. Avery had gone over her brain scans and had technicians shave away a small patch of her dark, curly hair at the base of her skull. Then he had used a special marking pen to draw little dots and lines on the bare part of her scalp that were used to make sure the radiation hit the right spot.

Now that she had gotten that done, it would not need to be done again for awhile, and her future treatments would just take a few minutes. She had scheduled appointments three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Today was a Friday, so she wouldn’t have to go back for another two days.

When Olivia got home, her mother had baked her some cookies, just like she had done in the days she had been a stay at home mom, when Olivia was in elementary school.

As Olivia sat down at the kitchen table with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk, she suddenly felt overcome with a mix of emotions. She felt happy and sad at the same time. It was simple acts of kindness like this that made life so wonderful.

“I love you, Mom,” Olivia said suddenly, feeling as if she could burst into tears at any moment.

Melinda Caisson turned around and smiled sadly at her daughter. “I love you too, baby,” she replied.

As Melinda came over and wrapped her in a tight hug, Olivia could not hold it in any longer. She began to cry in her mother’s arms.

***

That evening, after her parents had turned in for the night, Olivia wandered outside. Too tired to take a late night walk down the beach, she plopped herself down in the sand, just like she had done the night she had met Nick.

She smiled sadly as she remembered that night, only weeks earlier. She and Nick had talked for hours and shared all kinds of things with each other. She had been so happy then. She had no idea her tumor had come back.

Olivia longed to be happy like that again. She wished she could be sitting there with Nick, staring up at the starry night sky or out at the waves of the ocean, sparkling in the moonlight. But she was all alone.

***

Nick glanced out his window to see a figure walking down to the beach at the house next door. The person carried a flashlight, and it gave off just enough light for him to be able to see that it was Olivia.

Smiling, he got up and headed out to his porch, slowly walking down to the beach, where she was sitting, staring thoughtfully out into the ocean.

“Hey, Liv,” he said, sitting down beside her. “What’s up?”

Olivia jumped at his presence. “You scared me,” she said.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “Whatcha doing out here?”

She shrugged. “Just thinking.”

He nodded. “This is a great place to think. I do it a lot.” Olivia nodded in agreement. “Do you want me to leave you alone now?” Nick asked, realizing how distant she was acting.

“No,” she replied. “I don’t mind having you here.”

“Okay,” he said. “So… you had your first radiation thing today?”

“Yeah.”

“How did that go?”

“Fine.”

“That’s good.”

They lapsed into silence. Nick could tell Olivia didn’t really feel like talking about it. So he didn’t push her. Instead, he gently put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him.

Her whole body felt tense at first, but slowly she began to relax and cuddle up against him. Nick ran his fingers through her hair and down towards her neck.

“Stop,” Olivia cried suddenly, pulling away.

“What? I was just-“

“I… I don’t want you to do that,” Olivia said, looking uncomfortable.

Nick was confused. “Why not?” he asked. She didn’t answer right away. “Liv?”

Sighing, Olivia turned her head so that her face was away from him, reached her hands back, and lifted up her hair. That’s when he saw it, the small bald spot on the back of her head. The small circle of pale skin contrasted from her dark hair, making it obvious when she had her hair up.

“Is that from the radiation?” he asked. She nodded. “Is it sore or something?”

“No. It’s fine.”

“Then why didn’t you want me to do that?” he asked.

“I… I just didn’t want you to notice it. I thought maybe you’d be grossed out.”

“Grossed out? Why?? It’s just a little spot. It’s not even noticeable when your hair’s down.”

“Cause it reminds you that I’m diseased,” she said bitterly.

“Olivia, that’s not true. You’re not ‘diseased’. You have a medical condition. That’s perfectly acceptable. I mean, I have a condition too, and that didn’t bother you,” he said, referring to his depression, which he had once been embarrassed to talk about with her.

Olivia gave him a small smile. “You’re a great person, Nick,” she said softly.

Nick just smiled back and put his arm around her again.

***

Chapter 20

Two weeks later

Two weeks had passed, and Olivia had settled into her new schedule, which seemed to revolve around the radiation treatments she had to go to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Her parents had gone home the week before, leaving her alone again. Although it was a little lonely being in her house all by herself, it was a relief. She loved her parents, but by the end of a week of them hovering over her, she was ready for them to leave.

Meanwhile, Nick had told her that he would be leaving the next week to go on tour with the Backstreet Boys. He had sounded happy to go back on the road, after being at home the whole summer, and she had been happy for him, but a little disappointed as well. She knew she would be even more lonely once he was gone.

That summer, she and Nick had bonded more than she would have ever thought. In only a matter of weeks, they had become great friends. Olivia felt like Nick understood her in ways her friends in Iowa couldn’t. She considered him to be one of her best friends, even though she had only known him a couple of months.

And Nick felt the same. Olivia was a great friend to him and just a great girl. Lately, he and she had been meeting on the beach just about every night to talk. He had poured out his heart to her, revealing things he had never told even Brian, who was his best friend. He knew that when he went on tour, he would miss her. A lot.

***

“Olivia?” Nick asked one night, looking down at Olivia, who was lying on the sand on the beach, her head resting in his lap.

“Yeah?” she responded.

“I’ve got something I want to ask you.”

“What is it?”

“Well, I was wondering… do you want to come on tour with us?”

Olivia sat up suddenly, raising an eyebrow at him. “Really? You mean that?”

“’Course,” he replied. “I’d like you to come. That is, if you want to. You don’t have to or anything. It was just a thought. I just-“

Olivia giggled. “You’re babbling, Nick,” she said. “You know I would love to…”

“But?” Nick asked. He just knew there was a “but” coming up.

She sighed and smiled glumly. “But I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“My radiation treatments. I still have them for another month. There’s no way I could go on tour with you now,” she said.

“Oh. Well, how about after they’re all done?” he asked hopefully.

“Well… I guess I could manage that,” she replied, smiling.

He smiled back. “Okay. Well, I guess we’ll just have to rely on the phone and internet in the meantime. I’ll give you my cell phone number, and I’ve got a laptop, so I’ll give you my email address, and we can email each other.”

“Okay, cool,” she said. “And it’ll only be for a month. Then we can hang out every day again.”

“Yup,” he said. “I can’t wait.”

She smiled. “Me neither.”

***

Four days later

“You take care of yourself, okay, Liv?”

Nick and Olivia stood in Nick’s driveway. He was getting ready to leave to drive to Orlando for a couple days of rehearsals before the kick-off of the second leg of their current tour. This would be the last time they would see each other until Olivia was due to come along with the tour in three weeks.

Olivia smiled. “I will. And you do the same, Carter.”

Nick grinned and pulled her into a hug. “I’ll miss ya.”

“Me too. But don’t worry, I’ve got your cell number, and I’ll call you. Probably more often then you’d like. I bet you’ll be so annoyed by me that in a few weeks, you won’t even want me on tour.”

Nick chuckled. “Probably,” he agreed, but he knew that there was no way he could get sick of Olivia. She was definitely one in a million.

“Well, you’d better hit the road. You’re already running late, and I don’t want you to be late for your rehearsal,” Olivia said hesitantly, not really wanting him to leave.

“Yeah,” Nick said absently. He made no effort to move.

“Nick?” Olivia asked after a moment, a faint smile crossing her lips.

With a quick, smooth motion, Nick bent down and pressed his lips to hers. Before Olivia could even comprehend what was going on, the kiss had ended, and Nick had pulled away. She stared at him in surprise. He just offered her a slightly embarrassed smile and got into his car.

“I’ll see ya, Liv,” he said, starting the engine.

“See ya,” she managed to echo, still stunned. And before she could say anything else, he was backing out of the driveway and disappearing down the street.

***

Chapter 21

“Hello?” Olivia said through a yawn, as she picked up the ringing phone in her kitchen.

“Olivia?” Olivia recognized Nick’s voice on the other end.

“Oh, hey, Nick,” she said, trying to disguise her elation.

Nick had been gone for only a day, but it was the first time he had called since he left, and she had been anxious to talk to him. Not just because she missed him, but because of what had happened right before he left.

“Something wrong? You sound weird,” Nick said.

“No, I was just yawning,” she replied.

“Oh. Well, if you’re tired, I won’t keep you on too long. I would have called earlier, but we’ve been in rehearsals all day and just got back from a late dinner,” Nick said apologetically. It was about eight thirty.

“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “I’m just a little tired from the radiation. It does that. But I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

“Me too.”

Olivia smiled and sank down at the kitchen table to talk. “So… uh… how did the rehearsal go?” she asked casually, not quite ready to bring up the kiss yet.

“Pretty good,” replied Nick. “And how’s everything there?”

“Same as always. I miss our late night talks on the beach though,” she said.

“Me too,” Nick agreed. “But don’t worry, soon we’ll be having late night talks on the tour bus.” He chuckled, and Olivia laughed with him. “I can’t wait to have you here with me,” Nick said, his tone turning more serious.

“I know. I can’t wait to be there,” Olivia replied. She knew then that it was the perfect time to ask him about what had happened. “Um… Nick… about this morning, I-“

“Oh, hang on, just a minute, Liv,” Nick said suddenly, cutting her off.

Olivia frowned and listened impatiently. She could hear someone’s voice in the background, and then everything became muffled, probably by Nick’s hand over the receiver. Finally, Nick got back on the phone.

“Hey, Liv, I’m sorry, but I gotta go now. Management’s on the phone and need to talk to us about something. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied, trying not to sound too disappointed. “Bye, Nick.”

“Bye, Liv,” Nick said and hung up.

Sighing, Olivia pulled herself up, hung up the phone, and left the room.

***

Nick never called back later that night, at least, not that Olivia knew of. She fell asleep shortly after he had caused and didn’t wake up until her alarm went off at eight the next morning.

8:00? Olivia thought groggily, squinting at her clock. Jeez, I slept eleven hours. It was true that the radiation made her tired, but twelve hours? And she didn’t even feel energized. In fact, she felt weak and sick and wanted nothing more than to pull her covers over her head and fall back to sleep.

It was a Wednesday, and that meant she had to get up and get ready to go to her radiation session at the hospital at nine o’clock.

Olivia felt a wave of depression rush over her as she pulled herself into a sitting position. It seemed that this tumor had begun to take over her life. She had her radiation treatments three mornings a week, she was too exhausted the rest of the time to do anything, and she had had to give up going on tour with Nick then because of them. And even though she was going through treatment, there was always a scary thought in the back of her mind – that the radiation wouldn’t help.

I can’t spend all day worrying about that, Olivia told herself, groaning as she climbed out of bed. There’s tons of people in the world with worse problems than mine. And it’s not like I can change it anyway, so why stress out about it? Whatever happens is what God intended to happen, and there’s always a reason for it.

Olivia padded into the bathroom and grimaced at her disheveled self in the mirror. She raked one hand through her head of curly black hair and cranked the shower water on full blast.

When the water was hot, she climbed into the shower and sighed blissfully, as the warm water splashed onto her body. She took her time shampooing her hair and washing her body, and finally, when she decided she had wasted enough water, she turned off the shower and carefully stepped out.

As she wrapped a towel around herself, Olivia suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Her knees went weak, and the room began to spin around her. Her vision started to darken, and suddenly, everything went black. The last thing she remembered was the sound of her head cracking against the floor, as she collapsed.

***

When Olivia awoke, she became aware of her surroundings slowly. She had expected to be in her own bed, but instead, she found herself lying on the bathroom floor, a towel half draped around her body.

What the…? she wondered, bewildered. What was she doing on the bathroom floor?

Olivia suddenly became aware of the bad taste in her mouth. It wasn’t just that stale, morning-breath taste. It was bitter and metallic. Blood.

Horrified, Olivia quickly moved her tongue around the inside of her mouth. To her surprise, it hurt!

Olivia tried to reach her hand up to her face and was surprised by how weak she felt. It was painfully hard to even lift her arm.

She managed though and tentatively put her finger in her mouth to feel. She stuck her tongue out a little and gently touched it. She could feel the slit in it and the warm blood oozing out. She had cut her tongue somehow. That how was what she couldn’t figure out. She didn’t remember anything from that morning.

Olivia then became aware of the phone ringing in her bedroom. She tried to get up to go get it, but she could barely move. Her arms were too weak to push herself up, and she doubted her legs would even support her.

Something was very wrong.

***

Chapter 22

Nick turned off his cell phone in disappointment.

“Not home?” Brian asked, coming over to him.

“I guess not,” Nick replied, shoving the phone back into his bag.

“Oh well, you can try again later. We’ve gotta get back to work anyway,” said Brian, nodding to Kevin, who was motioning to them from the stage.

“Yeah,” Nick said and followed Brian back onto the stage for more rehearsal.

***

Olivia was not sure how long she lay there, unable to get up. It seemed like hours. The phone rang several more times, and each time, she tried to get up, but failed. Why was she so weak? What had happened to her?

And as the time passed, she felt weaker and weaker. She grew light-headed and tired. And so, unable to do anything else, she lay her head down and closed her eyes. Right away, she drifted off. She did not even hear the phone start to ring again.

***

“Something’s wrong, Rok,” Nick said, frowning as he shut off his phone. “She’s not picking up.”

“Maybe she’s still not home,” Brian offered with a shrug. “I mean, come on, do you really think that all she does is sit at home all day, waiting for you to call? The girl has a life, you know.”

“Yeah, I know…” Nick said, but he had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Or she could be sleeping,” Brian suggested. “You said the radiation she gets makes her tired.”

“True,” replied Nick. “But she never sleeps all day. Plus, she has a phone by her bed. I’m sure it would wake her up.”

“You’ve been in her bedroom, Frack?” Brian asked, raising an eyebrow.

Nick rolled his eyes. “Yes, Frick, I have,” he replied. “We’re just friends though, and you know it.”

Brian snickered. “Oh, I see,” he said, sarcastically. “Of course you’re just friends. That’s why you kissed her goodbye.”

Nick’s face reddened. “It didn’t mean anything,” he said defensively. “We’re just friends.”

“Okay, sure, Nick. Whatever you say,” Brian replied and walked off, chuckling.

Nick rolled his eyes, but deep down, he wasn’t sure if he even believed what he had told Brian.

***

That night, after the rehearsal was over, and Nick was back in his hotel room, he lay awake in bed, unable to sleep.

Something’s wrong with Olivia. The thought ran through his head over and over again. He had tried calling her several more times before he had finally gone to bed. She never answered.

He realized that she could just be sleeping or gone somewhere, but somehow, he just knew that was not the case.

I’m going to try one more time, he thought, and if she doesn’t answer, I’m going back to Tampa. He turned on the light and rolled out of bed, getting his phone from his bag. He quickly punched in Olivia’s number and waited. One ring… two rings… three rings…. He let it ring seven times total and hung up.

Nick scribbled a quick note onto the pad of paper that was inside the night table drawer and ripped it off the pad. He changed out of his pajamas, shoved his clothes and stuff into his suitcases as quickly as he could, and left the room. He slid the note under the door to Kevin’s room and hurried down the hall to the elevator.

***

About two hours later, Nick was walking up the steps to Olivia’s front porch. Feeling a sense of déjà vu, he reached under her doormat and retrieved the spare front door key.

Testing the doorknob, he found that it was indeed locked. He rang the doorbell three times and waited, but no one came. And so, he unlocked the door and stepped inside, shutting it behind him.

“Olivia!” he called.

Nervously, he glanced around. Then, not even bothering to check the whole downstairs, he went upstairs. The first place he checked was Olivia’s room. It was empty, but he saw that the bathroom door was closed and the light was on.

He knocked lightly on it. “Liv? You in there?” he asked, but got no reply. “Okay, I’m coming in,” he said hesitantly, slowly turning the doorknob.

When he looked into the room, his knees nearly gave out on him. “Oh, my God, Liv!” he cried.

Olivia was lying on her side on the floor, her skin deathly pale, her eyes closed. There was a small pool of blood beneath her head, and blood trickled from the corners of her mouth as well.

Nick’s first thought was that she was dead. He began to hyperventilate, his breath coming in short, frantic gasps. He sank to his knees, struggling for air, panicking. His common sense kicking in, he put his head between his knees and tried to take deep breaths. Finally, his breathing regulated, and he slowly raised his head.

It was then that he saw she was still breathing. Letting out a small sigh of relief, Nick jumped to his feet and raced into her bedroom to call 911.

***

Chapter 23

Nick jumped up anxiously when he saw a doctor come out of Olivia’s room. He had been waiting in a chair in the hall of the Emergency Room for a good hour or so, with no real word on Olivia. Doctors and nurses had been in and out of the room, but none of them would tell him anything.

“We’re still examining her,” they would say and breeze on by.

But now, the doctor was coming right towards him.

“Please, doctor, what’s wrong with her?” Nick pleaded.

“It seems that Olivia suffered a grand mal seizure earlier today. During the seizure, she bit her tongue, which is common, and hit her head on something, probably the floor. Usually, when a patient wakes up following a seizure, they are very weak and disoriented. She was probably unable to move from her position on the floor. She also lost a lot of blood from her head, which probably eventually caused her to pass out before you found her,” the doctor explained.

“What caused the seizure?” Nick asked, but he really already knew.

“We ran a brain scan, and although we’re bringing in Olivia’s oncologist for a second opinion, it looks like her tumor has gotten larger,” the doctor said gravely.

“But… but how could that be?” Nick protested. “She’s having radiation! I thought that was supposed to get rid of it!”

“It’s supposed to yet, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Brain tumors can be tricky, and in some cases, even our best efforts as doctors are not enough.”

“What are you saying? That you can’t help her?!” Nick demanded, his voice rising with panic.

“I can’t answer that yet. I’m not an oncologist or neurologist, so it’s not in my area of expertise. You’ll have to wait and talk to her oncologist, Dr. Avery,” the doctor replied.

“Okay,” Nick said, sighing. “Can I go see her, please?”

“Yes, you can see her now. We have her stabilized, and we’re giving her blood transfusions to replace the amount of blood she lost. She’s still unconscious, but she should wake up anytime.”

“Thanks,” Nick said, as the doctor opened the door to her room and ushered him in. Nick stepped inside, and the doctor left, shutting the door behind him to give Nick some privacy.

Nick actually felt relieved when he got a good look at Olivia. Some of her color had returned, and although her head was bandaged, it was no longer bleeding. She looked much better than she had in the bathroom earlier.

Not wanting to wake her up, Nick sat down in a chair by her bed and just watched her sleep. She looked pretty, despite her sickly pallor. It was hard to believe that something so horrible was growing inside of her head. Something that could end up taking her life.

Just then, Olivia awoke, just as the doctor had predicted. “Nick?” she asked, sounding confused.

“Hi, Olivia,” he said, smiling tightly at her.

“What are you doing here? Weren’t in you Orlando?” she asked, blinking as she looked around. “What’s going on?”

Nick reluctantly explained what had happened in the past few hours. He left out the part about her doctor thinking her tumor was still growing. He would leave that up to the doctors. That was their job.

“Oh, God,” Olivia moaned, closing her eyes briefly, then opening them again. “Why is this happening to me?”

“I don’t know,” Nick sighed. “You don’t deserve it, that’s for sure. I’d give anything to take your place.”

She smirked at him. “No, you wouldn’t, and you know it,” she said.

Nick’s face reddened. “Of course I would,” he insisted, trying to sound sure of himself. “I care about you.”

“I know you do. But that doesn’t mean you’d actually want to be in this position instead of me. No one in their right mind would.”

Nick managed a bitter chuckle. “I’m not in my right mind,” he said. “I tried to commit suicide, remember?”

Her eyes narrowed at him. “That’s not funny, Nick. Don’t even joke about it,” she said seriously.

He frowned. “Sorry.”

“So, how are your counseling sessions going?” she asked, changing the subject from her problems to his.

He made a face. “Okay, I guess,” he replied, shrugging. “I hate going to them. My doctor’s making me though, and my parents always call to make sure I’m going.” He rolled his eyes.

She gave him a sympathetic smile. “Well, don’t worry, you won’t have to go forever. And I’m sure that no matter how much they suck, they’re helping you somehow.”

He shrugged again. “I guess so. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t ever try that again.”

She smiled. “You better not, Carter. I’d kill you myself if you did.”

He chuckled. “Like you could. I could totally take you.”

“Oh yeah? I know Tai-Bo, you know,” she said, menacingly raising a fist. He smirked doubtfully at her, and the tough expression on her face faded, as she broke into giggles.

Nick smiled, more than relieved to see her laughing again.

***

Chapter 24

“Come in,” Olivia called, after hearing a light knock on the door of her hospital room. She was hoping to see Nick, but when the door opened, Dr. Avery walked in instead.

It was the next afternoon, and Olivia had gone through a whole battery of tests that morning in order for the doctors to find out what had caused her seizure the day before. Olivia already knew – it was her tumor. But she was in no way prepared for the news she was about to receive.

“Good afternoon, Olivia,” Dr. Avery said.

“Hi,” she replied.

“We need to talk,” the doctor said grimly, sitting down beside Olivia’s bed.

“Okay…” Olivia said nervously.

Dr. Avery sighed. “Olivia, there’s really no easy way to say this… but your tumor is still growing. Even more rapidly than before.”

“Even after all the radiation?” she asked in shock.

“Yes. It seems the radiation hasn’t helped at all. It’s bigger than it was before and is growing quickly.”

Olivia’s heart sank. “So now what?” she asked meekly.

Dr. Avery looked at her sympathetically. “I’m so sorry, but there’s really nothing left we can do. It’s too big and too close to the brain stem to operate on. And the radiation isn’t helping. We’ve done all we can.”

“So you’re saying there’s no hope? I’m going to die?!” she cried, panic rising within her.

“I’m very sorry, Olivia, but yes. There’s nothing else we can do to help you.”

Olivia fought back tears. “Wh- what will it be like?” she asked.

“Over the next few weeks, your symptoms will get steadily worse. You’ll get more headache … you’ll have trouble with balance and coordination… your speech will start to slur… your vision might get blurry; you could even go blind… you might have some memory loss or changes in personality… and towards the end, you’ll be bedridden. And eventually, you will go to sleep, and you won’t wake up. You’ll just stop breathing, and your heart will stop beating. It will be a painless death. We’ll give you medications to control your seizures and make sure you won’t be in pain. By the end, you probably won’t even be aware of what is happening to you. And you won’t feel a thing.”

“How long do I have? Just ‘a few weeks’?” she asked, her tears rolling slowly down her cheeks.

“It’s hard to say. It may be a matter of weeks. Or it may be months,” Dr. Avery said.

Olivia nodded tearfully, wiping her eyes. “Um… can I be alone for a little while?” she asked softly.

“Of course,” Dr. Avery replied gently. “I’ll be back later to check on you and answer some of your questions. Would you like me to call anyone for you?”

“No, I’ll call,” she whispered, thinking of her poor parents, her friends back home, and of course, Nick. How would they all take it? She didn’t even want to know. All she knew was that telling them she was going to die would be the hardest thing she would ever have to do in her life.

After all, there’s no easy way to call up a person and say, “Hey, guess what? I’m dying.”

***

Olivia ended up only making one call, to her parents. And after she got off the phone with them, she broke down in sobs and refused to call anyone else. She knew her parents would let her friends know, and Nick… well, Nick would find out soon enough.

He came by that evening, just as she figured he would. He had told her the night before that he had to go back to Tampa that morning for another rehearsal with the guys, but that he would leave early and be back in Orlando by that night to visit her. She had looked forward to it at the time, but now she was dreading it.

“How ya feeling today?” he asked, smiling at her, as he plopped down next to her.

“Fine,” she replied, forcing a smile back and hoping her eyes didn’t look red to him, for she had been crying steadily pretty much ever since she had found out the news. “How about you? How did rehearsal go?”

“Okay,” he said. “But who cares about that? How did your tests go?”

“Fine. No biggie,” she said casually, shrugging.

“So is everything okay then?” he asked, looking slightly confused.

“Yup. I don’t even have to go for my radiation treatments anymore,” she said, leaving out the small fact that she wasn’t going to need radiation anymore because she was going to die anyway.

“Oh. Well, that’s good,” Nick said, looking deeply into her eyes, as if he knew she was hiding something.

Olivia looked away and quickly changed the subject. “So, you start the tour tomorrow, right? In Milwaukee?”

“Yeah. I have to catch a flight up there tomorrow,” he said. “Hey, speaking of the tour, if you’re not having radiation anymore, couldn’t you just come to Milwaukee with me tomorrow?”

Olivia bit her lip. Great. Now she was stuck. What excuse could she make up now? “Um… actually, no. My parents decided to come down and see me. They… uh… they’re worried about me.” She laughed nervously. “You know how parents can be. Anyway, they’re gonna be here tomorrow, so I can’t go on tour with you until the day we planned on, in a few weeks.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. Her parents were coming the next day, and they definitely were worried about her. But about the tour… she wasn’t even sure if she would be alive then, let alone be able to travel with Nick. But she decided not to bring that up now.

“Oh. Well, that’s okay, I understand. At least you don’t have to go to those stupid radiation appointments anymore,” Nick said.

Olivia forced a smile. “Yup. And thanks for understanding.”

“No problem. You know how my parents worry about me too. I understand completely.”

Olivia smiled sadly, remembering the days when she had been at this very hospital, visiting Nick after his suicide attempt. It seemed like ages ago, but really, it had only been a few months earlier. Now it seemed the tables had turned, and here was Nick, visiting her in the hospital.

The only thing that was different was that, unlike Nick, Olivia was never going to get better.

***

Chapter 25

“She was acting really weird, Bri. And her doctor told me that night that her tumor was probably growing again. But she said everything was fine and didn’t even mention that.”

Brian’s brow furrowed as he listened to Nick. “That is sort of weird,” he agreed. “But maybe the doctor was just wrong. Maybe what happened to her is normal. And if they don’t have her on radiation anymore, then it must be good news.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. But, I dunno, she just acted weird, like she was keeping something from me,” Nick said, still pondering over Olivia’s odd behavior.

It was Friday, and the Boys were on a flight to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where they would kick off the second leg of their Black and Blue Tour that night. But Nick’s mind was not on performing at all. He just kept thinking about Olivia.

“So, have you talked to her about your little kiss that day yet?” Brian asked teasingly.

Nick couldn’t help but smile. “No, not yet. With all that’s happened, we haven’t had a chance to.”

“Have you figured out your feelings for her yet?” Brian asked.

“Feelings? What are you talking about, Frick?”

“Nick, come on, I know you like her. It’s obvious. Why won’t you just admit it?”

“Of course I like her,” Nick replied. “She’s my friend.”

Brian rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Oh, come on, Nick, seriously. You like her more than that, and you know it.”

“I don’t! Honestly! I don’t know where that kiss came from; I couldn’t help it. But I don’t like her like that, and she doesn’t like me like that either. We’re just buddies.”

“Buddies? Oh, come on, Nick.”

“What’s wrong with buddies?” Nick asked defensively. “You can have a girl as a friend without liking her as a girlfriend, you know.”

“I know. But, Nick, I know you like the back of my hand. You like Olivia more than just your ‘buddy’. I can see it. You get this look in your eyes whenever you so much as mention her name.”

Nick’s mouth dropped open. “I do not!” he cried.

“You do too,” Brian insisted. “Think about it, Nick. You like her. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”

Nick crossed his arms over his chest and turned away from his friend, pretending to be annoyed. But really, he was thoughtful. Was Brian right? Did he really like Olivia? He had to admit that their kiss had been nice. But would he ever want her as a girlfriend? He wasn’t sure. He needed more time to think about that.

Unfortunately, time was the one thing Olivia didn’t have.

***

One week later

The symptoms had come sooner than Olivia had expected. It had been just over a week since she had found out she was dying, and already, her headaches had come back, more intensified and painful than ever. She could feel her body weakening. Whenever she stood up, she got dizzy and almost lost her balance. And she knew it would only get worse.

Nick still didn’t know. He called Olivia daily, and they talked, but never about her condition. Their phone conversations never lasted long either. Nick was so busy, and Olivia got tired easily. Plus, it pained her to talk to him when he had no clue that in a matter of weeks, she would be gone, and he didn’t even know.

Her parents were staying with her, and Olivia knew they would stay until she was dead. This time, it didn’t bother her. She knew she didn’t want to die alone, and having them there brought her at least some comfort.

The one other thing that comforted her was the ocean. Every evening, Olivia sat out on the beach, watching the sun set over the water. She felt totally at peace there. And it seemed to bring her closer to Nick. He was not there with her in body, but she felt like he was.

The ocean was what connected them. It had brought them together the first night they had actually met, and now that they were apart, it comforted her. Olivia hoped that after she was gone, Nick would be able to sit in that spot and feel closer to her.

Eventually, as the sun disappeared from the sky, it grew chilly, and Olivia reluctantly went inside. She slowly navigated the stairs to her room and lay down on her bed, turning on her stereo with the remote that went with it.

The radio came on, but Olivia barely listened. Her thoughts drifted instead to Nick. She remembered their kiss, just the week before. It seemed so long ago.

I like him, she realized suddenly. I really like him. More than just as a friend. The thought made her smile. But that smile quickly vanished, as a realization hit her hard. Nick could never like me back though. I’m just his friend. He could never like me as a girlfriend. I’m diseased. I’m dying. He would never want someone like me. And even if he did, I would just die on him and hurt him. And I would never want to do that to him.

And so, Olivia quickly decided not to bring up the kiss or her feelings for Nick. Ever.

***

Olivia stayed up late that night, wanting to talk to Nick. She longed for normalcy in her life, and talking to him at night was something that had become normal for her. She knew he wouldn’t be available to talk until then because of his busy schedule. When she was pretty sure he would be done with everything he had to do following the concert, she grabbed her phone.

The buttons on the phone looked sort of blurry to her, but she figured it was just because she was tired and needed to go to bed. Squinting, she slowly dialed the number to Nick’s cell phone. About halfway through, she realized she could not remember the rest.

Damn it, Olivia thought, hurriedly fumbling around inside her night table drawer for the piece of paper Nick had written his number on for her. She found it and finished dialing.

The phone rang a few times, and finally Nick answered. “Hello?”

“Hey, Nick, it’s Olivia,” she said. Or at least that’s what she tried to say. But it came out sounding more like, “Hankissesoivia.”

“Uh… hello?” Nick asked again, his confusion apparent in his voice.

Olivia’s heart hammered, and her cheeks flamed red. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she speak right?

“Hello?” Nick demanded, sounding irritated. She heard him sigh loudly.

Then she heard muffled voices in the background. “Who is it, Nick?”

“Prank call,” came his annoyed mutter. And then the line went dead.

Olivia began to cry. Why was this happening to her? She knew Dr. Avery had mentioned something about slurred speech, but he never told her she would start speaking gibberish!

Miserably, Olivia hung up the phone, lay back down in bed, and sobbed herself to sleep.

***

Chapter 26

When Olivia awoke the next morning, it seemed like a perfectly normal morning. The mid-morning sunlight streamed brightly through her window blinds, leaving strips of light shining on her floor. She could hear birds calling outside.

But then the memory of the night before came back to her. She remembered the phone call to Nick, the way she had talked.

Oh, God, please let it be better, she silently pleaded. Clearing her throat, she softly tried to say, “Good morning.” To her total relief, it came out perfectly clear.

Olivia sighed in relief. “Thank God,” she whispered, pulling back her covers and climbing out of bed.

She had taken only three steps across her bedroom floor, when her legs completely gave out on her. Olivia collapsed, falling hard onto the floor.

Her mother heard the thud and came running. “Olivia!” she cried in shock, when she saw her daughter sitting on the floor. “What happened? Did you fall?”

“My legs,” Olivia whispered, her voice trembling. “They just went numb.”

“Numb? What do you mean?”

“I can barely feel them. I was just walking across the floor, and they just went completely numb, and I fell.”

Melinda’s eyes widened. “Okay, honey. Just sit tight. I’m going to go get your father.”

She hurried out of the room and came back a moment later with Randy in tow. She had obviously already explained what Olivia had told her because Randy didn’t ask how it had happened or anything.

“I’m going to go call Dr. Avery. Randy, carry Olivia downstairs,” Melinda directed, heading downstairs to call the doctor.

Olivia’s father lifted her from the ground and slowly carried her down the stairs and into the living room, where he set her down delicately on the couch.

Melinda came into the living room a few minutes later. “Dr. Avery’s with a patient,” she said in annoyance, as if she couldn’t believe how a doctor could be seeing someone else when her daughter needed him.

“Let’s just go to the hospital then,” Randy said. “I want her to be checked out as soon as possible.”

“Okay. Carry her out to the car, and I’ll meet you there.”

Olivia stared up at her parents in annoyance. They were talking about her as if she wasn’t even there. Her legs might have been numb, but her mind was fine. They were acting like she was a baby.

“Come on, honey,” Randy said, scooping up Olivia again and carrying her into the garage. He put her in the backseat and climbed into the driver’s seat beside Melinda, who was already in the passenger’s side. Then they began their drive to the hospital.

***

“I wouldn’t worry, Mr. and Mrs. Caisson,” Dr. Avery said later, after examining Olivia. “Some numbness in the arms and legs is normal. It’s only temporary though, and the feeling should return anytime.”

“What a relief,” Melinda sighed.

“But will this happen again? Will it happen often?” Randy asked.

“Yes, it could happen again, and towards the… end…, it could happen more often,” Dr. Avery explained.

“Well, how will she be able to go anywhere, knowing she could suddenly be paralyzed like this?” he asked angrily, as if this was all Dr. Avery’s fault.

Dr. Avery sighed and turned to Olivia, who had been silent throughout the conversation. “Olivia, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think it would be best for you not to drive from now on. It could be dangerous, both to yourself and to others, to have you behind the wheel because of what could happen. If your arms or legs went out on you, or if you passed out, you would easily cause a car accident.”

Olivia nodded. She hadn’t even thought about driving yet, but now that he mentioned it, it seemed obvious that she wouldn’t be able to drive anymore.

“What about going places? Can I still go out with people, as long as I don’t drive, or am I confined to home?” she asked.

“You can still go out, as long as someone will be with you at all times, just in case,” the doctor replied. “And,” he added, turning back to Olivia’s parents, “I would recommend that Olivia not be left alone at home, at least not for too long.”

They both nodded.

“Also, I think it would be best for Olivia to start sleeping on the main floor of the house, if she’s not already. That way she won’t have to go up and down any stairs,” Dr. Avery said.

“That’s a good idea. Olivia, you can sleep in the guestroom downstairs, and we’ll move to the guestroom upstairs,” Melinda said.

“Okay,” Olivia replied. The downstairs guestroom still gave her a pretty good view of the ocean, so she was satisfied.

Olivia listened as her parents asked Dr. Avery a few more questions, and then they were ready to leave. She signed her discharge papers, and a nurse came by with a wheelchair to wheel her out to their car.

***

One week later

The past week had been one of the worst of Olivia’s life. Her energy had slowly faded, leaving her tired and listless all the time. She had spent most of the week in bed. The feeling in her legs that day had returned about an hour after she had gotten home. Since then, they had gone numb on her several other times.

Olivia had spent the past few days bedridden, too weak to even sit up. She knew that Nick had called several times, but she always told her mother to say that she was sleeping. She didn’t feel up to talking to him, even though she knew that eventually, she would have to. After all, he didn’t even know she was dying yet.

***

As soon as Olivia woke up, she knew something was wrong. It wasn’t her arms or legs; they were fine. But she was not fine. Her chest felt tight, and she could barely breathe. Her face felt hot and clammy, and she knew she had a fever. She felt awful.

“Mom!” she rasped, but her voice just came out a hoarse whisper. “Mom!” she yelled again, louder this time. The effort cost her though, causing her to gasp for air.

Faintly, she heard her mother’s footsteps coming. Seconds later, Melinda popped her head into the room. When she saw Olivia, she gasped in horror and ran to her side.

“What is it? What’s wrong, baby?” she cried in a panic.

“Can’t… breathe,” Olivia gasped, clutching at her chest in pain.

“Randy!” Melinda shrieked. “Call an ambulance!”

***

Chapter 27

Olivia was only vaguely aware of the events that happened after that. She recalled the paramedics rush into her room. She remembered the pricks in her arm, as they inserted IV’s, and the oxygen mask they put over her mouth and nose. It offered little relief.

After a few minutes, they loaded her onto a stretcher and wheeled her out to an ambulance, which was parked in the driveway. Melinda ran alongside the stretcher, gripping Olivia’s hand. She looked as terrified as Olivia felt.

“We’ll meet you at the hospital, honey,” she said, as the paramedics began to load her into the stretcher.

“Wait!” Olivia rasped, suddenly thinking of something.

“Don’t talk, sweetheart,” a paramedic said, but Olivia ignored him.

“Mom!” she cried. “Call Nick! His number’s… in my… night table. Call him!”

Those were the last words she got out before her world went dark, as she fell into unconsciousness.

***

“Think fast!” Brian yelled, hurling his basketball towards Nick.

Nick threw up his hands to protect his head from getting smacked right off and unintentionally caught the ball. “Ha! Nice try, Littrell,” he gloated, passing the ball back to Brian.

The Boys were at the venue in Boston, where they would be performing that night, hanging out while the crew finished building the set.

Brian and Nick passed the ball back and forth and dribbled it around the stage. Suddenly, they heard a cell phone ring.

“That’s mine,” Nick said, running over to his bag to get his phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, Nick?”

“Yeah. Who is this?” Nick asked.

“This is Melinda Caisson, Olivia’s mother.”

Nick’s heart began to pound. Why would Olivia’s mom call him? “Oh, hi, Mrs. Caisson,” he said. “Um… what’s up?”

“It’s Olivia. She’s very sick. She’s been taken to the hospital, and we’re on our way there right now. She wanted me to call you,” Melinda said tearfully.

“What happened?” Nick asked, his voice shaky. She had said everything was fine before he had left!

“She was having trouble breathing and spiking a temperature. I’m not sure what’s wrong with her, but it doesn’t look good,” Melinda replied.

“Oh, God…” Nick raked a hand through his hair. What was he going to do? He wanted more than anything to fly home to Tampa and be with Olivia. But what about the concert?

“Listen, Nick, we’re almost to the hospital. I have to let you go now. I have your number though, and I can call you back when we know more, okay?”

“Okay, that would be good,” Nick said, still considering his options. “Bye.”

“Goodbye, dear,” Melinda said hurriedly and hung up.

Nick slowly put his phone back in his bag, still in shock. He looked up to see Brian staring at him in concern.

“What happened?” Brian asked.

“Olivia’s real sick, Bri. I need to get down to Tampa,” Nick said. “Do you think we could can-“

“Talk to Kevin,” Brian replied before Nick could even finish. That’s what they always did when they had problems – talk to Kevin.

Nick nodded and ran off to find Kevin.

***

Hours later, Nick was on a flight to Tampa. Kevin had gotten a hold of their manager and asked for the next few concerts to be postponed so that Nick could go home to be with Olivia. Management hadn’t been too happy, but Kevin stood his ground, and soon the group, minus Nick, was holding a short press conference, while Nick was on his way home.

When he got to the airport, he went home long enough to drop off his suitcases and get his car. Then he drove to the hospital.

***

Olivia lay in her hospital bed, feeling better than before. Her chest still hurt, and it was still a little hard to breathe, but she knew she would be fine. Pneumonia. That’s all it was.

The ER physician that had examined her had started her on IV antibiotics right away, and Dr. Avery had come down too and assured her that it had nothing to do with her brain tumor and that she would be feeling better in a few days.

The antibiotics were already seeming to help, and Olivia felt a bit sheepish, thinking of how terrified she had been in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. She had thought that it was the end, that she was going to die right then. She wondered what Nick would think.

Her mother had told her that she had called Nick once and promised to call him back again when they knew something more. Melinda had tried to call again once they got the pneumonia diagnosis, but his cell phone had been turned off. Olivia hoped he wasn’t worrying too much. She didn’t want to scare him for no reason. But then again, he didn’t have much reason to be scared yet. He didn’t know she was going to die.

Olivia swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and tried her best to push Nick out of her mind. To keep herself occupied, she turned on the TV and started flipping channels.

She started to flip past CMT, the country music channel, but stopped when she saw what video they were playing. It was LeeAnn Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”, an old favorite song of hers. Olivia wasn’t a big country fan, but from the moment she had first heard the song, the year before, she had fallen in love with it. The lyrics had always been meaningful to her, but ever since she had been diagnosed with cancer, they became even more so.


I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it our or dance

I hope you dance… I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making

Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance… I hope you dance
I hope you dance… I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it our or dance

Dance… I hope you dance
I hope you dance… I hope you dance
I hope you dance… I hope you dance


When the video had ended, there were tears in Olivia’s eyes. She had suddenly realized something. She loved Nick. And for that short, horrible period when she had not been able to breathe, the thing that she had feared most was that she would die, and he would never know how much she loved him.

She had to tell him. She couldn’t die knowing that she had never let him know she loved him. Just like the song said, Living life means taking chances if they’re worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it’s worth making. She had to take the chance and tell him know how she felt. Otherwise, she would never get another chance.

***

Chapter 28

When Nick got to the hospital, he parked in a space on level C of the parking deck and hurriedly got out of the car. By some coincidence, as he raced towards the entrance of the hospital, he passed Olivia’s parents.

Nick had only met them once or twice, but it was enough that he recognized them now. And they recognized him too.

“Nick?!” Melinda asked in disbelief. “What are you doing here? I thought you were off on tour somewhere.”

“I was. But we postponed our concert. I had to come see Olivia,” Nick said breathlessly. “How is she?”

“It’s just pneumonia,” Randy said.

“Oh. So she’s gonna be okay?” Nick asked.

Randy and Melinda exchanged glances. “Well… yes, for now,” Randy said, after a long pause.

Nick shot him an odd look. “What do you mean?”

Randy cocked his head. “You mean, you don’t know?”

“Know what?” Nick asked, shifting nervously.

“Oh dear,” Melinda said, looking pained.

Randy swallowed hard. “Our daughter’s dying, Nick,” he said softly.

“What?!” Nick gasped. “Dying?! But… but she…” He could not even get the words out.

“I can’t believe she didn’t tell you,” Melinda said.

“How long has she known?” Nick asked, shocked himself that she hadn’t told him.

“For a couple weeks now. She found out after her last seizure, when you found her,” Randy said sadly.

“Oh my God,” Nick whispered, feeling like a deflated balloon. How could she have known all this time and never have told him? He thought they were friends.

“I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. We thought you knew,” Melinda said softly, resting a hand on Nick’s shoulder.

Nick nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to keep from crying. “I think I’ll go see her now,” he said.

“Alright, dear. We’ll see you later,” Melinda said, patting Nick’s shoulder. Then she and Randy walked on towards their car, while Nick headed for the entrance to the hospital, his head down, hot tears welling up in his eyes.

***

Olivia was still watching TV when a knock came on her door. “Come in,” she called.

The door opened, and in walked the last person she ever expected to see right there, right then.

“Nick?”

“Liv.”

“What are you doing here?!” she cried.

“Your mom called me, and I came as soon as I could,” he said.

“But what about your concert?”

“It’s postponed.”

“You’d postpone your concert just for… Nick? Are you okay?” Olivia stared into his red-rimmed eyes, realizing for the first time that he had been crying.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Olivia asked in confusion.

“I just talked to your parents, Liv. They told me that… that you’re… you’re…” He couldn’t even say the last word, but Olivia already knew what he meant.

“I… I’m sorry, Nick,” she whispered, blinking back tears. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. And I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with you.”

“What are you talking about? How would that ruin our friendship?” Nick asked.

“I just didn’t think you’d want to be friends with someone who was going to die in a matter of weeks.”

Nick’s mouth dropped open, and for a moment, he was speechless. “Liv,” he said finally, “I would never do that to you. You’re one of my best friends, and I’ll be there for you, no matter what.”

“I know that now,” Olivia replied. “I’m so sorry.” She began to cry softly.

“Shh, don’t cry. It’s okay,” Nick soothed, hurrying over to hug her gently.

“Nick, there’s something I have to tell you,” Olivia said a few minutes later, her voice shaking. Nick nodded, waiting for her to continue. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, and I really like you. Like, more than a friend.”

There, she had said it. There was no going back now. She waited anxiously for his reaction.

“You do?” Nick asked, his eyes widening.

Olivia bit her lip. “Yes.”

Nick let out a chuckle. “That’s really funny…”

“What do you me-“ Olivia started to ask, but he went on, interrupting her.

“… cause I’ve been thinking the same thing about you.”

***

Chapter 29

One week later

The past week had been one of the best of Olivia’s life. Although there was always the nagging remembrance that she was dying in the back of her mind, she did her best to ignore it and focus on right then and now.

Olivia had never had a boyfriend before or even a guy that had liked her, as far as she knew. And she had never like a guy that much either. Nick was the first.

They had spent the whole week together. They didn’t go out many places, instead choosing to stay at home and go for walks on the beach and out on Nick’s boat, things that Olivia felt comfortable doing.

One night, Olivia lay in bed, listening to the radio and thinking. Her thoughts drifted to Nick, as they always did, and then she remembered something. Reaching into her night table drawer, she pulled out a small book with a lavender cover.

Her diary. She had had it for many years, ever since she was a little girl. As a child, she had written in it often, but over the years, she lost interest and never updated it. Now, she had the sudden childlike urge to write in it, to pour her heart out about her feelings for Nick and about everything that was going on in her life.

And so she did. For an hour, Olivia wrote in the small book, filling up several pages with her thoughts. When she was done, she went back and read it over.


September 15, 2001

Dear Diary,

I know I haven’t written in you for years. In fact, my last entry was from when I was just thirteen. That seems so long ago now. I’m twenty now; just had my birthday a few weeks ago. And I’m dying.

It seems so unfair to die at only twenty. There’s so many things I’ll never be able to do. I’ll never get married. Never have children. Heck, I’ll never even be able to drink legally. I won’t even live to see adulthood. Not literally, anyway. But I already feel like an adult. I’ve been through so much this past year, I feel older than only twenty.

And still, there’s so much I haven’t experienced. Many things I’m going through for the first time right now. Like being in love. I’ve never been in love before, but I am now. At least I think I am. It’s hard to say the L-word with Nick because I’ve only known him about three months. But they say that when you fall in love, you just know it, and that’s how I feel about Nick.

I don’t know if he loves me back or not. I know he likes me. We’re best friends, and now we’re a couple too. But does he love me? I’m not sure. I wish he did, but that would be hoping for a lot. After all, we’ve only known each other a summer, and I’m dying. It doesn’t seem like grounds for a good relationship. But if there’s one thing I would like before I die, it is to be in love with a man and have him love me back. I already know I love Nick. Now it’s up to him to decide if he loves me back or not.

I wonder if anyone will read this after I’m gone. Surely they’ll go through my things. But will they read stuff like this? Or will they respect my privacy? It doesn’t matter to me. Once I’m dead, privacy’s not an issue. Maybe reading this will help people feel closer to me.

If anyone is reading this right now, I’ll leave a few quick shout-outs:

Mom and Daddy – I love you so much! I’m so sorry I had to leave you. If I could change it, I would. But you know I can’t. Just know that I’ll be up in Heaven, waiting for you, and I’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s a wonderful place, and in a way, I’m looking forward to getting there. I have so many questions for God, and now maybe I’ll finally get some answers to them. Please don’t cry too much when I die. I’ll be watching down on you, and it’ll break my heart to see you so upset. Mama, you know I hate it when you cry. Try to be strong and remember that I’m in a better place. I know that’s the generic line they say at funerals, but I’m sure it’s true. Until we meet again, goodbye, and I love you.

To all my friends back home – you guys are the best. I know we haven’t seen each other much lately. You’re all in college, and I’m here in Tampa. I hope you’re having the time of your lives. I know things may not have turned out so great for me, but while I was living down here, I was having the time of my life too. Keep me in your hearts and in your memories. Love ya!

Nick – You’re my first love, and I will always cherish our short time together. Fate brought us together, and it will bring us back together someday. I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven. Please take care of yourself, Nick. I love you. Always, Liv.

That’s it for now. And to anyone who was not mentioned, you know I love you and care about you. I’m pretty tired now, so I think I’ll go to bed. Goodnight, and God bless.

Love,

Olivia Marie Caisson


Olivia signed the entry with her full name, written in fancy cursive, as she always had as a child. Then she closed the diary and put it gently back into her night table drawer. With a contented sigh, she turned off her light and went to bed.

***

Over the next few weeks, Olivia’s body grew weaker and weaker, as her tumor got bigger and bigger. Soon, she was bedridden, too weak to get up. Nick came by every day and stayed by her side for hours, just holding her hand and talking to her. He had gotten the rest of his tour postponed so that he could stay with her for the rest of her short life.

The symptoms Dr. Avery had mentioned were progressing. Olivia got bad headaches, which she took high dosages of painkillers for. She was too weak to walk or barely even sit up. Sometimes when she talked, her words sounded slurred, like they had that time on the phone with Nick. Her vision had began to get blurry. She forgot things, like phone numbers or conversations she had just had with people.

And still, throughout all of this, Nick was there for her. He was so patient, staying with her and talking to her, even when she was foggy and disoriented. Sometimes he even stayed beside her while she slept. Even though she was dying, Olivia felt lucky to have such a wonderful guy there with her. If only they had longer together.

***

Chapter 30

One night, Olivia and Nick were watching TV in her room. Olivia’s parents had already turned in for the night, so it was just the two of them.

Suddenly, Olivia rolled over and asked, “Hey, Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you take me to the beach?”

Nick glanced at her, thinking maybe she was having one of her episodes. Lately, Olivia sometimes said things that made no sense. She couldn’t help it, he knew; it was just another side-effect the tumor was causing.

“Um… well, Liv, I dunno if that’s possible. You’re supposed to stay in bed, remember?”

“I know, and I don’t care. Please, Nick, I just want to go out to the beach and see the ocean,” she begged.

Nick hesitated. She wasn’t having an episode; she sounded perfectly clear. She knew what she wanted, and he knew she would beg him until she got it.

“But, Liv, you can see the ocean from here,” he told her, pointing out the window.

“That’s not good enough. I want to go down to the beach,” she said stubbornly.

Nick was surprised by the sudden energy in her voice. And he knew he couldn’t tell her no. “Well… alright,” he said finally.

She smiled, making him feel instantly wonderful inside. “Thanks, Nick,” she said gratefully.

“No problem, sweetie. Come on,” Nick said, helping her sit up in bed. “It’s chilly outside, you better put this on.” He handed her a hooded, zip-up sweatshirt and helped her get it on.

“Okay, now let’s go,” Olivia said anxiously.

Nick nodded and picked her up. She had always been thin, but lately, she had lost a ton of weight, and her gaunt body felt feather-light, so it was easy for him to carry her around.

Silently, as to not wake her parents, Nick took her out the back door and through the backyard, all the way down to the beach, where they had spent many summer nights together.

Once they had reached the beach, Nick set her gently down in the sand. He sat down Indian-style and eased her head down so that it was lying in his lap.

“It’s so beautiful out here,” Olivia commented, sighing contentedly as she gazed up at the star-filled sky.

“I know,” Nick agreed. But he was glancing down at her instead.

“Nick, can I tell you something?” Olivia asked.

“Sure, what?”

“Make sure that when I die, my body is cremated, and my ashes are sprinkled into the ocean. Okay?”

“Liv, come on, let’s not talk about that now,” Nick pleaded.

Nick, we have to talk about it,” she said sharply. “I could die at anytime, and you know it. My parents don’t want to talk about it either; you’re all I have. I don’t want to be put in some big box and shoved into the ground. I want to be in the ocean. Okay? Make sure that happens.”

“I will, Olivia,” he promised. “Now, can we please talk about something else?”

She sighed. “Sure,” she said, but they both fell silent, not knowing what else to talk about.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Nick asked after awhile, noticing how quiet she was.

“What do you think I’m thinking about?” Olivia shot back.

“Liv, it’s not good to keep thinking about death all the time,” he said. “You have to think positive, keep up the faith.”

“What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway, Nick. Nothing can save me.”

“A miracle could,” he insisted, his voice small and stubborn sounding.

She sighed. “Nicky, that’s not going to happen. We have to face reality. I’m going to die. Soon.”

“It might not be that soon,” Nick argued. “Your doctor said it could be months. It’s only been a matter of weeks.”

“I know that. But I just have this feeling that it’s going to be really soon. I want to be ready for it,” she said.

“How could you ever be ready to die?” Nick asked.

“I guess you can’t really,” she admitted. “But thinking about it helps. It’s like I’m preparing myself for it.”

Nick was silent. Whenever she got so serious like this, it made him uncomfortable. He just wanted to see her laugh and smile again. He wanted her to be happy.

“I love you, Nick,” Olivia said softly.

Nick’s heart began to hammer, and he shook his head. “Don’t do that, Olivia,” he said. “You’re saying that like you’ll never say it again. It’s not time. Not yet.”

She said nothing, just stared up the sky, her eyes sparkling with tears.

Nick felt a shiver run through her body. “Are you ready to go in yet?” he asked gently.

“No, not yet,” she said firmly. “If I could, I would stay here all night.”

Nick smiled. “I know you would. But we have to go in soon. If your parents go to check on you and find you gone, they’ll be worried.”

“They’ll know I’m with you. And besides, they’re asleep anyway,” she said.

Nick sighed. She was always so stubborn, even now.

Eventually, they did go inside though. By the time Nick lay her back down in her bed, Olivia could barely keep her eyes open. He tucked her in, just like his mother had done to him when he was a kid, and smoothed her hair off her face.

“Hey, Nick? Will you do me a favor?” she asked.

“Sure, anything,” he replied.

”Turn on my CD player and hit play.”

Perplexed, Nick did so. A soft, country ballad began to play. He looked at Olivia in surprise. “I didn’t know you were a country fan.”

“I’m not usually. But this is my favorite song,” she replied. “I just wanted to hear it before I went to sleep.”

He nodded and let the song play. He wasn’t much of a country fan either, but he had to admit, it was a pretty song.

When the song ended, Olivia smiled gently. “Thank you, Nick. You’re so good to me,” she whispered.

Nick smiled back. “Don’t talk,” he said. “Just get some sleep.”

She nodded. “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“Of course,” he replied.

She smiled again and closed her eyes. A moment later, she opened them again. “I love you, Nick,” she whispered.

A lump rose in Nick’s throat, and he smiled. “I love you too, Liv.”

It was the first time he had spoken those words to her. Olivia smiled up at him, a smile he would never forget, and then closed her ocean-blue eyes. He sat by her side and held her hand, as she drifted off to sleep.

When he was sure she was asleep, Nick bent over and kissed her lips as softly as a whisper. “Goodnight, Olivia,” he whispered and left the room.

***

It was early the next morning when Nick got the phone call.

“She’s gone, Nick,” said Olivia’s mother, sniffing back tears.

“What?!” Nick cried.

“Olivia passed away last night, honey. In her sleep. No pain,” Melinda said softly.

Nick spoke to her for a few more minutes, but later, he wouldn’t remember any of it. As soon as he hung up, he broke down into tears and sobbed.

***

Epilogue

The funeral was two days later. It was not in a church, but instead outside Olivia’s house, on the beach. Her body had been cremated, and all that remained of her was an urn of ashes, which would later be scattered into the ocean, as Olivia had requested.

Nick remained calm through the funeral, listening absently to the minister’s words of what a good person Olivia had been and how God had needed her in Heaven.

Bullshit, Nick thought bitterly. God could have chosen any other girl in the world. Why my Liv?

His questions went unanswered.

When the funeral was over, most of the guests gave their condolences to Melinda and Randy and went home. Nick stayed behind and watched as Olivia’s parents sprinkled handfuls of her ashes from the urn into the ocean, weeping as they did so. The scene was heart-wrenching, and soon, it became too much for Nick.

Overcome with grief, he broke down in tears and ran for his house. Once he was inside, he ran upstairs to his room. A plastic bag was sitting on his bed; he had set it there that morning. Olivia’s mother had come by to give it to him.

“It’s some things I thought she would want you to have,” she had told him. Nick had accepted it and put it in his room, unable to look inside.

Now he shoved the bag aside and lay down on his bed, crying like he had never cried before.

How can I ever go on without her? I loved her. I really loved her, he thought. Now he truly knew what a broken heart felt like.

Desperate for something to take his mind off of Olivia, he turned on the radio. Papa Roach’s “Last Resort” blared from his speakers.

At least it’s not a damn love song, Nick thought. As he listened to the song, it brought back memories. Memories from the night early that summer when he had attempted suicide. It had seemed like a good thing at the time. But later on, he had realized how stupid it was.

But as he thought about it again now, he wasn’t sure why. If he had taken his life then, he wouldn’t be in so much pain now. But of course, then he wouldn’t have met Olivia.

But maybe I could have both, Nick thought. I can’t go on living without her. I just can’t. I’ll think about her all the time. I’ll never be able to love anyone again. We were perfect for each other. And now she’s gone, and I’m all alone. But maybe I don’t have to be…

He slowly stood up and walked into his bathroom. Opening up the medicine cabinet, he was greeted by shelves of medicine bottles. As he took them down, he was hit with a sense of déjà vu. Only this time, he thought, I’m going to do this right. Then Liv and I can be together again.

Nodding confidently, he took down some more bottles and arranged them all in a line on his bathroom counter. From his bedroom, he could still hear “Last Resort” playing.

He glanced at the labels on the medicine bottles and dumped out small piles of each kind of pills. Scooting the piles together, he formed one mountain of pills in the center of the counter. This should do it, he thought. Water. I need water. He had never been able to take pills without water.

He left the bathroom and went downstairs to get a glass of water. He grabbed a big cup, filled it up, and carried it back upstairs. Some water sloshed on the floor on the way up, but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered to him anymore. Nothing but Olivia. And she was gone.

When he entered his bedroom, he stopped dead in his tracks. The loud rock beat of “Last Resort” had stopped, replaced by a soft, country-sounding ballad.

“What the-?” Nick said aloud, annoyed. This was a rock/pop station. Why would they be playing country songs on it? But suddenly, as a pretty female voice began to sing, his annoyance vanished. It was the song. Olivia’s song.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance…

Nick sank down on his bed and began to cry. He felt a mix of emotions, more ashamed at himself than anything else. What had he been thinking? Poor Olivia had wanted to live and had not been able to, and he was going to intentionally end his life? How could he be so selfish?

The song ended, and a rock song played, and still, Nick cried. But he felt different. Suddenly, he wasn’t so sad and hopeless feeling. The song had rejuvenated his will to live.

It’s a sign, he thought. Liv did this. She must have.

More tears fell from his eyes, and he let them fall, not even bothering to wipe them away. His eyes rested on the bag sitting next to him on the bed, and with trembling hands, he opened it and peered inside. On top, he saw a CD – the single for LeeAnn Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”, Olivia’s song. Smiling tearfully, Nick took it out and put it in his CD player, turning off the radio.

As the song played, he went through the other contents of the bag. There were some pictures – some of Olivia, some of the ocean, and one beautiful one of the beach at night. On the bottom, he pulled out a gray, hooded sweatshirt.

This is mine, he realized, holding it up. When did she get-? And then he remembered. It was the night he had met her, on the beach at night. She had been cold, and he had given her the sweatshirt. He had never even realized she had forgotten to give it back. He pressed the sweatshirt up to his face and inhaled. It smelled like her.

Smiling, Nick set the shirt aside and glanced back into the bag. He thought he had gotten everything out, but then he noticed a small packet of paper at the very bottom. Pulling it out, he saw that it was three small sheets of lavender paper, stapled together. Glancing at it, he realized it was a diary entry, written in Olivia’s handwriting. A lump rose in his throat, as he began to read it.


September 15, 2001

Dear Diary,

I know I haven’t written in you for years. In fact, my last entry was from when I was just thirteen. That seems so long ago now. I’m twenty now; just had my birthday a few weeks ago. And I’m dying.

It seems so unfair to die at only twenty. There’s so many things I’ll never be able to do. I’ll never get married. Never have children. Heck, I’ll never even be able to drink legally. I won’t even live to see adulthood. Not literally, anyway. But I already feel like an adult. I’ve been through so much this past year, I feel older than only twenty.

And still, there’s so much I haven’t experienced. Many things I’m going through for the first time right now. Like being in love. I’ve never been in love before, but I am now. At least I think I am. It’s hard to say the L-word with Nick because I’ve only known him about three months. But they say that when you fall in love, you just know it, and that’s how I feel about Nick.

I don’t know if he loves me back or not. I know he likes me. We’re best friends, and now we’re a couple too. But does he love me? I’m not sure. I wish he did, but that would be hoping for a lot. After all, we’ve only known each other a summer, and I’m dying. It doesn’t seem like grounds for a good relationship. But if there’s one thing I would like before I die, it is to be in love with a man and have him love me back. I already know I love Nick. Now it’s up to him to decide if he loves me back or not.

I wonder if anyone will read this after I’m gone. Surely they’ll go through my things. But will they read stuff like this? Or will they respect my privacy? It doesn’t matter to me. Once I’m dead, privacy’s not an issue. Maybe reading this will help people feel closer to me.

If anyone is reading this right now, I’ll leave a few quick shout-outs:

Mom and Daddy – I love you so much! I’m so sorry I had to leave you. If I could change it, I would. But you know I can’t. Just know that I’ll be up in Heaven, waiting for you, and I’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s a wonderful place, and in a way, I’m looking forward to getting there. I have so many questions for God, and now maybe I’ll finally get some answers to them. Please don’t cry too much when I die. I’ll be watching down on you, and it’ll break my heart to see you so upset. Mama, you know I hate it when you cry. Try to be strong and remember that I’m in a better place. I know that’s the generic line they say at funerals, but I’m sure it’s true. Until we meet again, goodbye, and I love you.

To all my friends back home – you guys are the best. I know we haven’t seen each other much lately. You’re all in college, and I’m here in Tampa. I hope you’re having the time of your lives. I know things may not have turned out so great for me, but while I was living down here, I was having the time of my life too. Keep me in your hearts and in your memories. Love ya!

Nick – You’re my first love, and I will always cherish our short time together. Fate brought us together, and it will bring us back together someday. I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven. Please take care of yourself, Nick. I love you. Always, Liv.

That’s it for now. And to anyone who was not mentioned, you know I love you and care about you. I’m pretty tired now, so I think I’ll go to bed. Goodnight, and God bless.

Love,

Olivia Marie Caisson


Nick swallowed hard. “I did love you, Liv,” he whispered. “I still do. And I always will.”

At least he had been able to provide that one last wish of hers – love. Yes, he had given her love. And she had given him life.


The End