“Rehab”

Prologue:

It’s gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
-"Rehab" by Rihanna

Asshole.

That is what he is. Pure and simple. I used to think better. I was also deluded, and ended up jaded by a man I used to call my best friend. Yeah, best friend. I grew up in Tampa, Florida, well more outside it really. We more say Tampa purely cause we know where we lived sucked and no one would know where the hell it was. Dirt poor people lived there mostly. Actually we had to save up money to be dirt poor. Get my picture here? So yeah, I lived on the poor side of that nothing town, next to a boy. Blond hair, blue eyes, smirky. You might know of him. Nick Carter? Yeah, I thought you might. I’ve known him for years, knew him before fame.

When fame came, we kept in touch. Stayed friends, stayed close. After we both hit eighteen, I even went on the tour bus with him for a month during the summer of 1999. I was in college, he was a teen idol. Different paths, but we made it work. Over the years, we kept a good bond. Then we got stupid. We stopping using the damn brains God gave us. Lord knows Nick lost any shred of decency or common sense, and became the pig’s shit covered asshole he is now. I guess I changed too. People do change. Life changed, and not for the better. Especially not him. One night, changed it all. We never spoke after that shit exploded.

Now I’m forced to.

Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!

Yeah, that’s Nick Carter. Biggest one on the face of this planet. But things change like I said. People change. And cause of that, so does life. I hate being an adult. Things were simpler when I was a teenager. Now I‘m 25 years old, and as angry and bitter as any teenager. Why? Cause of that asshole. It’s his fault. And ya know what? It’s always his damn fault. And it’s complicated, ain’t it always? I’m forced to do something I swore I’d never do again. If I didn’t have to speak to him ever again I’d be aight, happy even. Damn.

Damn him to hell.

“Rehab”

Chapter One: Homecoming

Don‘t even recognize
The ways you hurt me…
Do you?
"Rehab" by Rihanna

“When are you going to finally tell him?”

“I know! I just, Kevin I’m telling him.”

“When?”

“Soon” More than he knows.

“You’ve waited too long as it is Kay.”

“Asshole deserves it. Besides, I was on assignment over in LA, one of the biggest games of the year too. Year, career making here ya know. Not all of us are lucky enough to be famous pop idols who can retire at thirty five.” (Which shocked me when he decided to leave. Then I got shocked even damn more when Brian, AJ, Nick and Howie went on without him. Kevin was the one to tell me this heh.)

“Yeah well you’ve seen how that life is.”

I let myself munch on a pickle as I drive my little black 2004 Volkswagen convertible Beetle down the familiar roads of my home state. I try to avoid Florida anymore. Not bad memories, just more of I’ve moved past this place. Why go back? Other than to visit family, but my mom’s in California too where I live now. And the rest of my family is we’ll just say very distant.

I see Kevin more like family honestly. When the Backstreet Boys were just forming, I met Kevin, more there wide eyed at all that Nick had been trying out for. Maybe it was because I was a girl, but I was the one who didn’t mock him, and even supported it. Kevin, well kinda took us under his wing all brother like. He still does. I was shocked when he told me he was quitting the group though. I do get why, he and Kristen do have their new baby Mason, who is so cute, spitting image of Kevvy. I know for a fact he’s been jealous of Brian and the woman I used to call Yoko Ono (Leighanne) cause they had Baylee. Another adorable one. I hear they’re trying again too. But yeah, knowing that, K and K (as I call them) did deserve some happiness and a family of their own.

It’s just been an interesting upbringing I’ve had. And now here I am, back in the home country. Wisps of clouds are all that are above me in a sea of sparkling blue. Palm trees, green around me, and the ocean on the other side of the road are what greet me. I almost feel bad, almost miss this place. Almost don’t hate my life and situation right now. But almost only counts in horseshoes. It’s not enough for me to be totally pissed off at the world and how it’s decided to fuck me over in the past year or so. In so many more ways than one. Screw the world, I am going down with a fight dammit.

Yeah, I’m in full on rant positions. Get used to a lot of cursing bitches. I speak my mind, say what I feel. Kevin is what’s interrupting my thoughts now however.

“You still there Kay?”

“Yeah I’m here, are you going to the big Richardson/Littrell gathering again this year?”

Almost Thanksgiving, not that you can tell here in Florida. There ain’t even any nasty rainstorms today. Which is why my car top is down.

“Of course, and now we have a new addition.”

“Aw, so how is Mason, I need to come up and see you guys again. Y’all are back in Kentucky again right?”

“Right, and yeah it’d be good to have him see his Godmother.” Brian was his Godfather, just so you know. Kevin and Kristen don’t have any sisters so they asked me. I was honestly touched by the whole thing. And now it’s thanksgiving. I’d rather be working to be frank. I’ve never been one for family bonding, since my family is extremely scattered and my mom? Well we’ll just say she’s distant. She loves me, and is always there, and I love her. But yeah definite emotional walls. I’ll just say I’m amazed she was able to get pregnant to begin with. That whole letting someone in idea isn’t her.

“You’re not working are you?”

That earns a roll of my eyes even though I know he can’t see it. “No, I’m not.” Not that I can anyway, that assignment in LA is my last for awhile. I’m a bit of a workaholic in my own right. Guilty as fuck but I want to get my mark in this world. I’d love to be working right now. Thanksgiving is the biggest work day of the year. Big sports day. I’m a reporter for various news bits on ESPN. What I want is to host my own show. It’s a struggle cause sports is the “man’s” journalism. Fuck em.

Funny how a girl with no father ends up a tomboy. Eh, whatever.

Moving on, I’m getting close to that. I can feel it. I’m on the verge of the big story that breaks me through. Of course now that’s on fucking hold. Thanks to the asshole. Again, his fault. I ain’t complaining cause the situation is…well it’s… okay I am complaining. Kinda sorta. It’s just…it’s a toss up on the whole deal. Even if the asshole is part of the mess.

Damn that made no sense. I’ll just go with “beyond complicated”.

My car roared as it passed it’s way through Ruskin, talking to Kevin all the while.

“Of course I ain’t working, that LA job was my last one for awhile. I ain’t fucking stupid.”

I hate having to do this. I honestly hate the man I’m about to face once again. Funny how you can be so close to a person, and then when you finally see what they truly became, you can’t help but hate their very being. It’s making me uneasy, and I’m a confident little bitch if you haven’t noticed yet. You have to be in my profession. The fact I am uneasy is making me hate this even more.

Once past Ruskin, I head into it’s twin city. Not even city, actually really twin town. Ruskin ain’t even technically a “city”. My car makes it’s way into the town connecting to it, very few know of it if you aren’t a native in one way or another. It’s way smaller and Ruskin is small to begin with. Neither are that far from Tampa, and are actually part of Tampa Bay and all that. My only remaining tie I kept to this place is I’m still loyal to the football team. Go Buccaneers. I ain’t heartless ya know. In this town however, things changed. I saw the almost ready to tip over sign, rusted and weather beaten, still saying “Welcome to Hutters, Florida! A nice place to live…”, I’m amazed it’s survived this long. And boy what a lie it is. Trailers beyond the way cover the area. This town is barely a town to be honest. It’s shocking it could afford it’s own name. Those lucky enough not to have a trailer had one of those homes that snobby bitches would dub as “crackerjack boxes”. Square shaped, beaten down, yet still able to survive all the hurricanes, tornados and those other water related natural disasters that come down here.

I can still remember the shame that came with living here. Shame that followed Nick, so that he never said his true hometown. A liar even then, but that lie I actually understood. Eleven years ago now, was when I finally first noticed it.

We had been sitting on the porch, in front of my own crackerjack box. I used to joke about never being able to find the prize inside. The wind was blowing, and Nick was just kind of watching the sun set. He always liked natural beauty more than I ever could.

“Hey, why did you say your hometown was Tampa today?”

He shifted those big eyes toward me as he brushed his shaggy hair away from his eyes, a smirk that would later become famous appearing. “Think about it Kayd, would you want everyone knowing you lived here? It’s close enough, and even Ruskin is better than this.”

I let myself think about that for a minute and nodded. I was also one for having big dreams of escaping this town. “Good point.”

“Now c’mon, I gotta show ya somethin’.”

Shame can affect a person. It’s that same shame that kept me from coming back to Florida. It‘s that shame that made me speed through that one street town like a bat outta hell without a look back. Who wants to relive that poverty? I don’t need those damn memories. I already had one rear its ugly head just from driving down the damn road.

The place I’m aiming for is beyond this, but outside of Tampa. Thing about celebrities, they always lie about the city they live in. It’s always just outside of it. In Nick’s case, he was in that house on Apollo Beach. I’m shocked he still has that house, but hell he can still afford it. He got it when he was I think twenty two.

Thankfully Kevin breaks me away from the damn memory lane I was starting to speed down.

“Kayden, are you still there?”

“Yeah, just spaced man.” I reply, adjusting the bluetooth in my ear. It’s the only and I mean ONLY gift I ever kept from the bastard. That’s only cause with my job, I got easily used to the damn thing and now can’t live without it. I threw all the other stuff up in my attic for the day I get the time for a bonfire session.

Yeah I’m bitter.

“So let’s stop avoiding the subject, you finally gonna tell him?”

“I tried to remember? When I first knew.” Boy had I.

“It was harder to believe then.”

“Bullshit.”

“It was, especially him.”

I shift gears, loving the roar of the car as it speeds up. I tend to gun my cars when I get angry. I wish I could’ve taken my motorcycle, I miss that thing. But not now. Again, thanks to the asshole. I let out an annoyed sigh, glancing around at the peaceful road around me. Once past the poor piece of a town that’s Hutters, the beauty of Florida did return.

“Stop defending the asshole.”

“I’m not and I’ve said the entire time I’m not taking a side. He’s my lil bro, you’re my lil sis.” He has held true to that one, I’ll give him that.

“Whatever.”

“You can’t avoid telling him forever. He needs to know.”

“Oh fuck it, actually I’m coming into Apollo Beach now man. Took me forever to drive my ass out here.”

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah I’m aight.”

“Does he know you’re coming.”

“Fuck no.”

“Now Kayden-”

I finally pull up to the gates, where the house sits in between two hills overlooking the beach not far in the distance. Nick had actually picked out this place himself and paid the people to build a compound type place here. Lifestyles of the fucked up rich and famous. Beyond the gates is the creamy white home, built in a Spanish styled architecture, with moss along the walls. The home only a popstar could own. Slowly getting my ass out of the car, I stare at it for a moment. It’s been awhile. Even when I didn’t hate the asshole, I rarely came to this home. I ain’t one for going back once I’m gone.

“Fuck it, this is happening my way. I gotta go though cause I’m at the gate. Later Kevvy.”

I shut off the bluetooth, walking over to the security pad. Thinking for only moments, I enter in the code as if nothing ever changed when so much has. And it was right, Nick would never change it. Plus he uses the same code for both his homes. He’d forget them otherwise, and then be stuck trying to climb his big ass in. Which then would set off the alarm and call the company. Yeah it’s happened before.

Once they open, I slowly walk to the door. I can’t believe I’m doing this shit again. I swore I’d never come back, that I’d never speak to that asshole again. I said it would take a miracle for it to happen.

I had to fucking say miracle.

*******

Hangovers fucking suck! Especially when you hear the damn door go off and you’re laying on your couch and don’t want to fucking move. I have this week off before we start doing those winter concert type shit. And then we tour. I want to fucking have my hangover in fucking peace! I had no interviews, no personal trainer, no vocal crap. Nothing.

Well fuck. If they got past the gate that meant their asses know the code. It’s someone I know. Fucking hell. I ain’t in the damn mood. And I gotta clean myself up to take out Lisette later. She’s fucking fine. Slim, wavy brown eyes, a smile that stuns, legs forever. And she has energy in the bed that’s like fucking whoa. She’s gonna be opening for us this next tour. Girl’s hella fine and talented. I know how to pick em baby. Mostly. Don’t fucking even bring up my big fuckups.

Aight, ADHD shut off now. I finally get my ass up and open the damn door in whatever pair of jeans I crashed in last night, no shirt. Only to see the psycho bitch I thought I’d never have to see again. Fucking hell!

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I demand, my voice hella raspy. I ain’t been up long, sue me.

Kayden Jamison. I’d known her for years. We even grew up together. That was before she decided to morph into the bitch she is now. I couldn’t hate her more if I tried. Kevin asks why I ain’t tried to regain our old friendship. Screw it. Ain’t worth it. Beneath her tall 5’9” frame that’s usually all athletic, the short blond hair, blue eyes, and innocent face is a fucking shrew. Now she ain’t so athletic-oh fuck.

“You look different Kay, who’d you steal the fat suit from? Or did you just decide to play whore? Cause you‘re just so damn good at it.”

Yeah I know what I said is fucked. But with her? It’s easier.

********

I’ll tell you one thing. It makes my day when my fist connects with an asshole’s pretty face and lands his big ass on the ground. I stare down at him, fuming. Dammit I’m doing the right thing and he wants to say that shit?! Fuck him! I see the bruise forming and can’t help but grin. I still got it.

“I’m seven month’s pregnant, it’s your fault and your damn child. And ANOTHER thing Carter. Pregnant or not, I can still kick your ass all the way down to hell!”

Damn I hate him.

“Rehab”

Chapter Two: Reunion

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
- “Numb” by Linkin Park

“Fucking hell you stupid bitch!”

“Oh I’m the bitch? Dammit Carter I wouldn’t have laid your ass out on the floor if you weren’t such an asshole. Oh my bad, that comes naturally. Well you could at least pretend to be human for once.”

“Around you? No human could fucking survive your toxic.”

“Don’t make me knock your ass out.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Would you now, fucking bring it.”

“So is that why you came here, to try and beat my ass again cause you didn’t get enough last time?!”

I stared at the bitch, thinking she needs to get the fuck out. I’m sick and tired of her. Sick and damn tired of all that shit that came with her. Anyone who says I’m fucking complicated, has never met Kayden. The bitch is beyond high maintenance. I ain’t lying. It’s hard to believe I was once so damn close to her. But I ain’t blind, she was fucking pregnant as all hell.

“No it’s so you know that in the next two months I’m having your kid ya moron.”

“And how do I know it’s mine? You fucking-”

Her fist slammed into my stomach and immediately my hands flew to it as I gasped for air. Fucking hell! My gut throbbed, and I kept struggling for air thanks to the violent psycho. Once I got it back I had to hold back my instinct to fucking shove the bitch out the door. She’s pregnant, I ain’t that bad. Not that she’d think that.

“Oh fucking go to hell! She’s yours Nickolas Gene Carter, you know I was with no one but you at the time. You know my ass wouldn’t be here right now if it didn’t have to be!”

Fact is, I’m surprised she’s here at all. My kid or not. “Well fucking hell I might need a damn DNA test with as much as you slept around, I can’t take your damn word for it.” Then my mind realized the words she screamed at me just now. “It’s a girl?”

Rubbing her round stomach, she leaned against my doorframe. Damn. The shit’s taking a toll on her. Good after trying to beat my ass, she deserves that. “Yeah, it’s a girl. Look, you can be part of her life or not. My ass is here to tell you that you’re gonna be a father, whether you like it or not. I know responsibility is such a bitch for ya, and lord knows you ain’t gonna step up and be a man, but I’m here telling you anyway.” She handed me a paper, on it was a phone number. I raise a brow at her. That slut always throws me through a loop I tell ya.

“My cell, on the slim chance in a pig flying, frozen, and devil polka dancing hell you decide to actually step up. I’m staying in town till the baby’s born cause the doctors ain’t liking me traveling around.”

And again I saw Kayden turn around, and slam a door in my face after giving me fucking hell. Deja-fucking-vu much? I rub my head, like I needed this on top of a damn hangover.

I met her when I was nine years old, when I decided I wanted to be famous. We became friends since then people hated me and girls weren’t wanting me. No one was. But it was aight cause I wanted to be famous. Both were huge ass mistakes. I’m great at mistakes. Didn’t you know? And now here I am, about to start promoting a new album “Unbreakable” and then I find out she’s pregnant. With what fucking may be my child. Fucking mistakes, I’m great at them.

Some things never change.

*************

A little more than five months ago, had Kayden standing in front of his door. Slimmer, a bit nervous, yet not angry. She should be angry. She was hurt, upset, at all that had come to pass only less than two months before. How someone could change so much and her not realize it… Had she been so blind because of history?

Maybe she was wrong. She hoped so, she had just gotten the news, felt queasy as it was. She didn’t need Nick turning into what he had become again. She hadn’t spoke with him since the morning after. The morning after the night that had caused this to happen. It felt open, unresolved, and it just rubbed salt into the wound that hadn’t even tried to heal yet.

She knocked.

And there he was, opening the door, with some new brunette on his arm. She actually recognized her. Ignoring the wave of fury building, she tried to be the calm mature twenty-five year old woman she was now. Though her mind was screaming to say fuck it and sock em both. Kayden never did have the smoothest temper control.

“What do you want Kay.”

So cold. So detached. Seemed like the Nick she knew really was gone. She did know enough just by his attitude, and so she avoided his eyes, not wanting him to see her thoughts nor wanting to see his. Once they did have that kind of connection. Once.

“Nick…I’m pregnant. With your kid.”

“In-fucking-possible.”

“You think I’d lie about this shit Carter?!” She spat out, wishing nothing more than to be done with this already. It was only right to tell him though.

“I had a vasectomy. Can‘t be my kid, try one of your other fuckers, I know it‘s a long list so get started.” He replied with just a smirk. At that she snapped. Simple as that. For the first time outside of childhood, she threw a punch at him, enraged at the cockiness and insults.

That was an old lie his lawyer had always advised him to use if a one night stand ever got pregnant. His words had been “I wouldn’t be a coward”, and always said he’d never use it. Using it now was low. The punch landed him dead on his nose, blood spurting and the brunette shrieking as she ran to get ice. He held his nose and his eyes blazed. Finally Nick regained composure after shock at what she just did.

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Use that shit on me will ya?”

“You’re fucking obsessed and psychotic Kayden. You’re dirt to me if fucking that! Take your fucking whore self, and that imaginary baby of yours and get the FUCK off my property before I get the cops to haul your ass off to jail myself!”

“I’m the fucking whore?! Look who’s talking! The king of STD-Ville!”

“Well you screwed me didn’t you? So there ya go!”

“What the hell happened to you Nick?”

“I was never whatever it was you thought I was. Fuck I’m sick of damn trying to be that shit too. It’s been too many fucking years. Your pathetic self isn’t worth all that false bullshit! I ain‘t doing it anymore for some cling-on slut!”

“Screw you Carter!” She turned, slamming the door so hard that items around it fell and break. Kayden wiped her eyes despite the lack of tears. Only anger now. She’d never let herself speak to that poor excuse of a man again.

“Only a damn miracle will make me try that shit again.” She had muttered…

Many would call the birth of a child a miracle.

I walk to the car, wishing that thoughts like that would just go away. I feel like an outsider when those memories come up in my head. It’s weird. And now isn’t the time for this shit anyway. At least he knows I ain’t lying about actually being pregnant this time. Not that he could really deny it. I let out a sigh of annoyance and get in my car. Speeding off away from the popstar’s estate, the car takes on more speed as the surroundings flash by my windows again. Music plays through the speakers, and I can almost feel myself starting to cool down.

But like I said, almost only counts in horseshoes.

***********

I watched that bug of hers drive off from my damn window, waiting to see if she tried to run over my mailbox again. She did last time. But fuck she also had this massive ass truck then. Back then, before all this shit had started, her superiority shit had just been confidence in herself. Now she’s like some experiment gone horribly damn wrong. I get my hair out of my face and head to the phone as I hear it ring. I knew who it was.

Lisette. I’ve been dating her…damn since late April/early May. Heh, I ain’t one for dates. I’m lucky I know my own damn birthday. She’s been here to watch all this shit go down. I’m amazed she didn’t tell my ass see ya long ago.

I met her when she was doing a recording session in a local studio, we were coming in for the next record, without Kevin obviously. And there she was, fine as hell, letting it out and getting into the music. She’s not a Christina Aguilera vocal wise, but she ain’t as bad as Britney Spears either. I asked her number, and it all came from there.

I picked up the phone, listening to her excited chatter. I ain’t telling her what just went down. I can’t say shit till I know what the fuck is going on, and what I’m gonna do myself.

I should just say fuck her. She could be lying. I know it. But if she’s not. Should I fucking be a man, or let her take care it all herself. Ain’t like she don’t got the money. Kayden does have a thing on ESPN paying her well. Not like me but few are. I need some sort of shit to say about it all before I tell her.

Right now? I don’t have one damn fucking clue.

***********

Sometimes, I feel I've got to run away…I've got to get away, From the pain

Eh, not a fan of that particular Pussycat Dolls song. I am so not in the mood for some love lost song type shit anyway. Especially when you hear a lot of that shit most of your life cause you knew a boyband personally. Yeah, no. I push the button to change the song on my ipod, which was of course hooked into the stereo system of the car. Hey I ain’t some rockstar, but I do make myself decent cash with my career. Girl’s gotta have her car.

California love…California...knows how to party. California...knows how to party, In the citaaay of L.A. In the citaaay of good ol' Watts, In the citaaay, the city of Compton…We keep it rockin

I’m such a California girl at heart now. This music is much better, give me hip hop, recent or old school. I’m good. Besides, 2pac is like a legend anymore. I can’t believe I gave the asshole my cell number. Not that I think he’ll use it. But that’s not exactly the point. Kevin would be proud. I ain’t sure where I’m staying for now. I wasn’t lying about staying in Florida. doctors hated me coming out here anyway. Then I had to give word I wouldn’t do anymore major traveling. Meh, but fuck, Kevin was right. Don’t tell him I said that, but he was. I had to at least tell the asshole a second time.

I make my way into Tampa city, recognizing old sights. I could stay at a hotel, but I wasn’t exactly up for the idea. There were a couple people I could try. AJ (yes McLean) had a house out here but I’d rather burn in hell than ask him. He’s never liked me. I’ve never liked him. Fucking dude needs an identity, and lay off me. We could never get along, and we tried if only cause Kevin made us try. Never worked, and even Kevin gave up. There’s Howie, he does still live out here. A little further albeit, in Orlando. He and I have always been cool, not like me and Kev, or yeah anyways. But more casual friends, but he’s the sweet kind of guy who’d help out. I’m going to the wedding between him and Leigh. I’m in shock I can actually like a Leigh. Since ya know, Leighanne’s an uber-bitch who hated me (and asshole) from day one.

But I don’t want to ask him and impose. Ain’t right, he’s got his own life going on. He doesn’t need some huge pregnant lady pissed off at the fucker who caused it who happens to be like a brother to him living with him while he plans his wedding. Yeah, fucking complicated.

I do have another friend, one who I’ve known since my very beginning days in college. She studied teaching while I majored in broadcast journalism. We’ve always kept in touch, and at one point she was actually a fan of the Backstreet Boys. Which struck me funny until she realized who I’d known for so long. What she doesn’t know is the shit of the past year. I kept that from almost everyone. But she’s doing well, teaching children with special needs, doing some good in the world. She’s always been a good friend. I know Melissa, Melz wouldn’t judge.

I picked up my phone.

“Rehab”

Chapter Three: Crazy Bitch

You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night...
...Take it off, the paper is your game
You jump in bed with fame…
- “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry

Long wavy brown hair, dark eyes, olive Italian skin, all attached to a shrieking excited girl a year older than me who hugged me as soon as she saw me standing at her doorway. I’ve always towered over her in a funny way though. She’s a good eight inches shorter than me, only 5’1”, which she tries to make up for in heels. She hugged me again, excited and I can’t help but laugh. That would be my Melz alright.

“Kay! Oh my god! Get in here.” I was forcibly yanked inside with the door slamming way too quick behind me. I hide a chuckle. Girl is a bit crazy, but it’s a good crazy. It’s good her students don’t see this side of her haha.

“Hey, long time no see. I’m in town for business-” Not a total lie. “and thought I’d come by.” I’ll be explaining it all in a minute anyway.

“You’re preggers!”

I rub my stomach, thinking of the little girl growing inside me. That does have a calming effect, even against the rage that always boils around asshole anymore. “Yep, seven months goin’. You’ll never guess who the father is…”

“Chris”

I wince at the thought. That name brought memories I wanted nothing more than to forget. It was just more memories that helped lead to now, something I can’t, that I ain’t reliving. Slowly easing my big ass on the cream colored leather couch, I shook my head at her. My hands stay on my stomach as my unborn child plays soccer with my innards. She was pretty hyperactive in there right now. You can tell she’s mine anyway. “No.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah it’s not, no matter what was done or said there.”

“Hmm…”

I let her think for a moment before springing it on her. “It’s Nick’s.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“No, no way. You’re kidding.”

“Nope.”

“Just, no.”

I laugh; it is hard to believe, especially with the asshole and me. “Yes.”

“Noooooo.”

“Yeeeeees.”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter girl.”

“I shit you not…”

I can see the thoughts racing through her mind as her mind goes over the past year or so. This would be when everything went to hell. Can’t blame her, if I told my twenty three or hell even twenty four year old self this, she’d say I was a fucking loon and to leave before she kicked my fucking ass.

“It’s Nick’s…”

“Yep.”

“Nickolas Gene Carter, youngest Backstreet Boy, dated Parisite Hilton type Nick’s.”

“Uh huh.”

“Holy shit.”

**********

Here’s a tip aight? Don’t ever start trying to have a talk after the mind-blowing sex with your girlfriend. I’d decided not to mention Kayden, I ain’t stupid. I had to say some shit though right? Just, shouldn’t have said after fucking bad ass sex is all. Wasn’t sure what to say though. Lissy and I just got past fucking groupie issues about a month ago. She may not know about a couple one night stands with em, but in the end I’m still with her. I’m careful, so it ain’t gonna hurt a damn thing. She was lying beside me nibbling my ear and making me want another damn go.

“You seem distracted…” She murmured.

“Well…”

“You can tell me” Her arms snake their way back around me slowly.

May as well fucking say it when she’s in a good mood right?

“Kayden came by today-”

“That psycho!?”

Fuck. Heh, for some reason hearing Lisette call her that got to me. I know it’s true and all that, but it’s like only I can fucking say it. Looking into my girl’s doll face, loving brown eyes, I still hated her saying that.

“It was civil.” Fucking liar Carter.

“No but it explains your black eye. You need a restraining order or something. Why you even entertain the thought of talking to her is BEYOND the-”

“I don’t know why Lissy.” And fucking hell I didn’t. After the shit with me and Kayden was done seven months ago, it shoulda been done. With me, once it’s done, I was fucking done. Me and past anything doesn’t mesh. Use ‘em/date ‘em, leave ‘em, forget ‘em. That’s how it fucking works for me now. Maybe it’s the past before that between us, but Kayden was the first who refused to let me forget her crazy ass.

“You know why Nick.”

“No, I don’t. She said we need to talk.” Not a full lie, Lissy would flip if she knew Kayden was pregnant before I actually worked that shit out.

“Right.” She climbed out of the bed then, looking for her clothes. Well fuck. Or lack of it. See don’t have talks post sex. It destroys the chance of another go. I get up, pulling on my boxers. Fucking hell.

“C’mon Lis, the girl was once-”

“Yeah your best friend, you’ve known her for years. I’ve heard it all before Nick!”

“It is true.”

“So is the fact she’s freaking psycho!”

“She was serious this time, she wanted a civil talk.”

She flipped a loose curl away from her eyes as she found her bra and put it on. “Yeah and those groupies before never had sex with you, and lets not forget pigs flying with blue capes at night. I’m not in the mood for another round of psycho bitch versus the man she’s obsessed with.”

“She’s not obsessed” What the fuck? Am I defending Kay?

“Oh sure she’s not.”

“Look, I don’t like her anymore than you do Lissy.” I pulled her close; she’s only wearing a pair of tight ass jeans and that damn bra. Mmm I smell peaches. ”But she did look serious, and I know she hates me so much she wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t.” I kiss the tip of her nose, glancing at her. “That’s it.”

She pulled away, but only gently so she can grab her shirt and slip it back on. “I’ll trust you for now, but dammit that crazy bitch has always caused issues from the get go. Even before when it was just ‘Lissy meet my best friend Kayden Jamison’, so she better not start it now.”

“Nothin’ is gonna start baby.” Unless she wants to have me start ripping off her clothes again. That we’ll start. Hell it sounds fun right now.

“For your sake Nick, it better not.”

She only gave me a short kiss before heading downstairs. Well damn. I heard the door shut signaling she left the house. I ain’t chasing after. She’s my girl and all but I know she’ll be back, Lissy always came back. Within eight months, our relationship has been between hell and back. She came back then, and she will now.

I may sound cocky but fuck, is it really cocky if you know that it’s true?

********

She had been nine years old, and after seeing so many with both their parents, or visiting one parent while living with another, Kayden finally began to wonder why she never had a father. Why didn’t she know who he was? For the longest time she thought it was natural to only have one parent. It was Nick, who she’d known for about a year then, who asked what happened to her dad. His family, dysfunctional and large and crazy as it was, made her jealous. Not that she’d ever admit that. Her own made her lonely. She knew mom loved her; it was unspoken, but felt on rare occasions.

She walked up to her mother, who had reddish gold hair, green eyes, and a worn smile. From past pictures, she had once been a grand beauty. Many of Kay’s expressions came from her own looks, but most of the features had to come from the father she never knew of.

“Mom, who’s my father?”

“Your father is long gone.”

“He died?” She asked, thinking maybe that’s why mommy never discussed it.

“No but you should think of him as such.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so, now go play.”

I shake the thoughts of my own childhood questions away as Mel takes in the events I caught her up on over the past hour or so as I munched on a pickle. Mmm. Yummy.

“Wow, so that’s what’s been happening the past year?” She finally asked, letting me forget yet another memory.

I nodded as I finished off my pickle and started petting the soft gray kitten rubbing up against my leg. “Crazy right?” The kitten leapt into my lap, using my swollen stomach as a nice little pillow. Melissa chuckles.

“Beyond. Don’t mind Star there, she loves preggy women oddly. So how’d he take it?”

“The first or second time I told him?”

“You told him twice?”

“Fucker didn’t buy it first time, so I knocked his ass out then. This time he gave me shit, so he might have a shiner later. And a sore ass gut.”

She raised a brow at me, a look I’ve gotten many times before when I act off my anger without thinking. Many people have given me that damn look. “Girl you have a worse temper than me and I’m Italian! Didn’t you take anger management during college? I remember you being forced to do that.”

“I still say that jock got his nuts kicked that hard cause he earned it. And yes I did, guess it didn’t work.”

“At least this time you got hormones to blame. So boy or girl?”

I stretch a bit, trying so hard to get comfortable. It’s getting harder and harder as the months go by. A smile flitters around my lips, I won’t admit it, but I am excited at being a mom. I’m just pissed off that the father had to be the asshole. Like or not, it ties us together forever. That wasn’t something I was prepared for when I had broken ties with the ass seven months before. Life can be fucked up like that. I can’t blame the child though, and she will be loved. Never doubt that one. Whether Nick wants to be a man about this or not, she will know I love her. That’ll be enough.

“Girl actually. I’ve become my mother in a way, dear fucking god.”

“Ooh, got a name? And what do you mean by that?” She leaned forward as Star hopped off my lap, jolted by my future soccer star’s many kicks.

“I’m unmarried, back in Florida, about to have a daughter on my own. I am mommy dearest. And no name yet, I have a few ideas, but if asshole decides to step up, I was going to maybe let him input ideas if you can believe it.”

A hand rests on my tummy know, and I watch Melz as she waits for kicks. Of course now the baby wants to stop for a few. “Any idea where you’re staying yet?”

I smile at her. “Well I was kinda maybe hoping of crashing here until I can find a place. My doctors gave me annoyed calls on my way here for making the trip to begin with at twenty-nine weeks, and told me to stay in the damn state for the rest of my pregnancy. Plus the baby will be too new to make my way back to Cali. I hadn’t thought of that when I came to tell asshole. I just don’t feel like the hassle of hotels-”

“Of course you can stay here; you know I have the extra room. Ooh and I can help you baby shop, and set up your baby shower and-”

Standing, I give her a hug. “Thanks, seriously. You’re too sweet.”

“C’mon, we’ve been friends for years now, that’s what they’re there for.” The baby kicked sharp that damn time I wince as her eyes widen since she was hugging me when she did it. “Wow, strong one.”

“Future soccer star man.”

Then the ring tone of “Fuck It” by Eamon goes off. Yeah that’s for Nick’s number. Okay I’m predictable now. Leave it be. I grin at Melz, mouthing who it is as I answer. “Yes?”

“We should talk.”

“Now? No, I just got comfortable and yeah no. I tried to earlier.”

“Well fuck Kay, you sprung this shit on me, how was I supposed to take it?!”

Oh he had nerve! “I sprung it on you!? I told you this five months ago and you fucking didn’t wanna believe me! Sprung my ass!”

“Excuse me for fucking being human; I think we need to talk about this, if you can act like a damn adult Kayden. Can you fucking accomplish that?”

I roll my eyes and bite my tongue. Hard. I had to, to keep from exploding on him. “Aight, how about tomorrow, we’ll meet at our old spot.” He’d know what I meant, the one we had during childhood.

“Fine, bye Kaydee” Click. I raised a brow; he hasn’t called me that since we were thirteen and fourteen. I shook my head, hanging up my phone. Nothing ever made sense anymore. Everything, life itself, was just a crazy bitch.

“Rehab”

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell,
It was love from above
That could save me from hell…
She had fire in her soul,
It was easy to see,
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me…
“Into The Night” by Santana and Chad Kroeger

Chapter Four: Shades of Gray

Sitting on the beach, my toes felt the cool water wash over them. Ever since I was little, I loved the ocean. The freedom in it. The consistency. Always changing yet not, always there, something dependable. I used to dream of escaping somehow into the ocean. That was when I was a kid though, and didn’t know better. I saw the black bug pull up some feet away. I was bringing a fucking child into the world. I hate to admit this shit, but I knew Kayden wasn’t lying. The first time she told me. Even with her fucking recent history. I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. I ain’t cut out to be a damn parent. Have any of y’all seen my mother Jane fucking Carter? Woman’s a damn loon, and yet I want her to finally accept my ass as a son. Twisted shit. My dad? Even fucking worse. I ain’t the parent type. I know it.

But I can’t fucking abandon Kayden. I saw what not having a dad fucking did to her growing up. Could I do that to our own unborn child? I’m selfish as fuck, and I like being that way, but I do have a damn soul. I can’t do it. Which is why I’m here. We gotta talk this shit out.

I ain’t some angel, but I ain’t the devil either. I’m just going to hell is all. Not every damn thing is black and white ya know?

She waddled her way over here, munching on some pickle; it’s about five in the evening. I had to call earlier and find out what time we were freaking meeting. The sun was setting on the waves as she very slowly got herself to sit beside me. Looked difficult. Glad I ain’t a woman, lemme tell ya.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Her tone was colder and it pissed me off. I’m trying to be fucking civil ya know.

“You sound so damn pleased to be here.”

“Give me a reason why I should be.”

Point for Kaydee. There was no damn reason. Something made us stuck together for a lifetime now and neither of fucking wanted it. But it ain’t the kid’s fault. But I wish it wasn’t her. Fucking hell I do.

“I’m gonna stick around.”

“Really.”

“Yeah I ain’t gonna let this kid grow up without a father. I may fucking get sick when you’re around, but I ain’t gonna let her grow up like you did. Not knowing, wishing she had one. It ain’t fucking right.”

A look of surprise appeared. Damn bitch gives me no credit does she? “That actually means a lot. That was why I came to tell you AGAIN.” She emphasized, reminding me of how I fucking denied it before. I have a feeling I’ll never live that shit down. Bitch can hold a grudge. “Cause I wanted her to have the chance of knowing her father, it’d be up to you to not know her.”

I watch her take off her shoes and socks like I had, letting her feet rest in the water as hell. Her ankles looked swollen and sore from pregnancy. Bags are under her eyes, and it’s fucking obvious this whole thing is getting to her. Can Kayden handle being a mom? I never fucking knew, and I don’t know now. Well, we’ll fucking see won’t we? Can’t be worse than Britney Spears, who after losing custody of her kids to Kevin Federline of all damn idiots, drove her off a bridge with Paris Hilton in the passenger seat just a two months before. Both died, and as sad as it was, Britney Spears couldn’t exactly parent. So the kids are better off with their dad. I was at Paris’ funeral, she fucked me over bad, but I did love her once. I loved her more than all than one other person in my life. But she fucked me over bad, taught me how fucking people really are. How fucking love is just a damn joke in today’s world, especially in Hollywood.

I’m fucking going off to avoid the shit bugging me now. Fucking hell.

“Any names picked yet?”

The anger slowly faded from her eyes. I’m shocked as hell. Funny how once I was the one to always calm her ass down. Now I’m the one to make her fucking explode. But the baby calming her, just by thoughts of her? Who knew?

“I have a few ideas, but I wanted suggestions from you. Just didn’t think you’d be interested. But I like unique names. Like maybe Tempest.”

“Tempest.” Fucking girl was psycho if she thinks my kid is getting named that.

“Or something maybe not as out there. I like Fury, or Phoenix.”

I watched the ocean. “I like something like Melody.”

“You would.”

“What’s that supposed to fucking mean?”

“With your obsession with music, you would want a music related name.”

“Oh like naming her Tempest is any better.”

“Oh fuck off.”

“You wish I would, cause you’d love to watch right?”

“You’re disgusting.”

“But it’s not a damn lie is it?”

“You’re asking for your ass to be kicked.”

************

I swear to god, we’re not fighting about a damn name are we? Fuck a duck! This is sad. If I wasn’t so damn comfortable by this ocean, my ass would’ve gotten up and left by now. But pregnancy is tiring, making me lazy as a bum. That’s my reason and I’m sticking to it dammit.

“I’d like to see your fat ass try.”

“You already have a nice shiner Carter, you sure you can handle a second?”

“It was a fucking lucky shot you fucking wanna be man.”

“Fucking disease.”

He ignored that, I guess cause he went right back to names. “What about Jean.”

“She’d end up named after you.” No way in hell. I have my limits. I watched the sky turn slowly red, the water tingeing from the fading light above. The wind blew gently around us with only the slightest touch of winter hinting at its future entrance. I could feel my hair try to cover my eyes like a golden curtain. It would be almost romantic. Shame I’m here with Nick. Yes I called him that instead of asshole. I need to remind myself of that. History shouldn’t repeat itself, it wouldn’t be fair.

“Something wrong with that idea? And I like that name on a girl.”

“It’s alright, but there’s tons of things wrong with that idea.”

I jerked when his hand touched my shoulder, shifting away. It feels so wrong for him to lay even a finger on me now. Too much chaos and destruction lay behind us in our history. I can’t stand him, and yet I’m here, not knocking him out. I blame those damn hormones. They fuck with your emotions worse than PMS can ever dream of doing to a girl.

“Where are you staying?”

“With Melz, remember her?”

“She still teaching?”

“Yeah.”

Now we’ve hit awkward small talk. A step backward to a leap forward, who the hell knew that could happen. But I know it won’t last long. I won’t let it and neither will he. To do that, we’d have to forget all the betrayal, all the fucked up shit between us. I can’t do that. I’ve been fucked up, jaded, and all by a man I thought was the one I could trust above all others. How the hell can anyone forget that? I can’t. Now I’m expected to deal with him for years to come, for my lifetime. A life born cause of both of us. By a man I now can’t stand.

I used to always want him around. But, nothing is ever as it used to be, nothing will be how anyone remembered it. Light can turn to bitter darkness. And then, there are those rare moments you stumble into that shade of gray. Where it’s not one or the other. Confusing as fuck moments that you know won’t last, before everything goes black again. It never goes back to white, because gray is still tainted.

1999...

The year of her graduation, the year Nick Carter, along with the Backstreet Boys, became mega superstars in teen pop music. Yet, Kayden was at her graduation alone. Her mother had to work to keep up what little money they had. She had no other family really, and many looked down upon her for her poverty. Sure she was friends with a popstar, and most would have instant popularity. So would she, had she not called them all “fake ass bitches” wanting her only for that. Kayden, trusted few people.

So she sat in the audience, donned in her sky blue cap and gown. The only time she willingly wore a dress, and only cause she wanted her diploma. It was requirement to be formally dressed under the gown. So even calling the dress donning willing, is quite the stretch. Yet this was a big day for her. She had gotten a journalism scholarship to cover her tuition. She was graduating with honors even. Her hair was curled neatly around the base of her neck, and she was here to prove that even with nothing, she could be something. Like her best friend had.

And no one was here to cheer when her name was called. Nick was supposed to be preparing for his big tour. Ever since “I Want It That Way” hit radio stations, he could barely go anywhere without a disguise. His workload tripled, and she barely saw him. Sure she got phone calls, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing was like it was when they were ten and eleven. Now she’s eighteen, him nineteen. Both adults, and as such, she guessed things had to change. It hurt was all. Not that she’d admit it. She’s Kayden, seen as a bitch and tough, someone to reckon with if you messed with her.

When her name was called, she stood with false pride. Plenty to be proud of, no one to be proud for.

That was when she heard it.

Two men, standing in the crowds, cheering their loudest. Nick, who was wearing sunglasses but she’d know that bowl styled curtain hair cut anywhere. She often teased him about it. Beside him was Kevin, a man who over the years, became the missing male figure in her life after meeting her and Nick. Nine years older, he made sure he watched over the blonde duo when he was around. At that she grinned, standing tall, shocked beyond belief that they managed to come. As she got handed her diploma, she knew she’d be okay. As long as she was never alone.

After the ceremony, she raced out into the parking lot, leaping onto Nick’s back. He caught her with a grunt, able to hold her with his tall 6’1” frame, having sprouted over the past two years. She grinned at Kevin who hugged her as she held on to Nick, piggy backing as they walked. They had to know she walked here, having no car.

“How…why??”

“Kayden, we couldn’t miss this.” The southern drawl that could only come from Kevin replied, ruffling her hair after taking off her cap.

“C’mon Kaydee, you really thought I wouldn’t be here?” He glanced back at her, shooting a grin that had just become infamous around the world that year.

“I dunno, you said you couldn’t…tour rehearsals, album promo…”

“So we could surprise ya. You’re Kaydee, I’m always gonna be here for ya…”

That had been the year of Millennium tour, which I got to go with them for some of before college. That was when it was pure white. Carefree fun that came with crazy fame that followed them. If only his words had remained true. Of course they hadn’t, as you fucking know.

When it was white, life was good. Almost perfect, sure there was a tiny dark spot then, but it was good enough. Nothing is fucking perfect. But, compared to now…

“Why the fuck are you spacing so much? Two days and both damn times I see you in lala land. You on fucking drugs or is it the damn pregnancy. You fuck up MY KID and I fucking swear Kayden Ann Jamison-”

“Your kid. You just accepted that fact fucking today?! And what kind of fuck-up do you think I am. I’ve been taking damn good care of myself, for my daughter. I’m just scared of what having YOU for a father will do to her.”

We can never let the darkness go. Especially me. Nick is a fucking selfish bastard now. All he is now is a fucking man of shadows. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get our shades of gray sometimes. I know I do media journalism, but I do write too you know. I can be deep. I sighed, fighting again the urge to knock him senseless. The anger is strong in this bitch! The shiner made me laugh though. “Thought you wanted to fucking stay civil Carter. Fuck it, I’m gone.” I forced my ass to get back up and walk to my car. Start counting. That’s what anger management bullshit had said back in college. It doesn’t do shit. But I’ll try anything to stand being around asshole.

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

“Rehab”

…Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you
Hey jaded, In all it's misery
It will always be what I love and hated…
…Yeah I’m so jaded
And baby I’m afraid of you
Your thinking's so complicated
I've had it all up to here…
“Jaded” by Aerosmith

Chapter Five: Jaded

Baby shopping. Fucking hell. How the hell did I decide to fucking get a cap, shades, and my old wig to disguise myself so I could find something to baby shop for. What the fuck is wrong with me? Part of me wants the kid, but when I thought of the rare ass chance of me having one, it was with a wife, and a happy home. Not a fucking history repeat of my father. It’s been about two weeks I’ve known now, about my soon to be fatherhood. Lissy doesn’t know yet. I’m still figuring out a fucking way to tell her. Thanksgiving came and went, me wondering how it’s all gonna work after the kid is born.

Me and Lissy had thanksgiving at her family’s place, with me getting questioned. You’d think I was a fucking criminal or something. I didn’t even call my parents that day. I did call my brother and sisters though. Let them know I haven’t forgotten them. Our bonds are still hella weak, but since we did do the reality show, it has gotten better. Not as much as I’d like though. Fucking hell not even close.

My life ain’t normal, and it never fucking has been. I’ve been in the Hollywood lifestyle since I was thirteen, nothing to keep me grounded. I was supporting my family once the real money came in. I watched my siblings get sucked in, only without having someone like the fellas, aight, or Kayden, to keep the stable. Yeah she helped too, then anyway, before she got fucking crazy. Look at Aaron, he’s on drugs, I know the little fucker is, but cause he’s eighteen there’s little I can fucking do. He’s gonna end up like AJ did, and I hope I can save him like Kevin did. But I ain’t no damn Kevin, and when it comes to the squirt that’s scary. Leslie barely talks to the damn family, she ran off to Canada. But she is saying more to us than she used to. It’s a start. Angel’s modeling, and I fucking hope she doesn’t get sucked into the diseased side of that business. BJ? She reminds me of mom. I kinda wish I had caved about season two, maybe it could have helped. But fuck it was too big a disaster, showing the world how fucked up we are. At least we talk more now.

Great family right? This kid shouldn’t be a Carter, look at the great job I did on my siblings. It ain’t like mom or dad actually parented. I tried, fucking hell I tried. But I was always on the road, not even eighteen, always working. Had to make sure I made it so financially they’d be okay.

Everyone changes, events change you. Life fucking tweaks you and twists you up all over. Makes you look different from what ya used to be, ya know? Change is a must and usually good. If you don’t change, you end up fucked up. You get screwed over. I learned that shit the hard way. I used to try not to change in fame, not to let any of that shit get to me. I at first wanted to stay true to the poor but cool as hell Florida home grown boy I was.

All this shit with Kayden has me thinking of the past. Back when she kept my ass in check.

Fame had hit, and at sixteen years old, Nick Carter had left high school completely, surrounded by a tutor instead. He really had quit school after middle school, only making short appearances at the high school anyway, with excuses and makes sorted out through tutors. Still, Kayden was upset to hear he had officially left the school, off to greater things than the dirt poor town of Hutters, Florida. This would mean no random surprise appearances when they got the rare chance to goof around in class together. He was also moving, which meant he’d no longer be right next door. Not that he was as much anyway, due to traveling overseas often cause their fame had spread there first, and was just now hitting the states. Still, in the end, it meant he wouldn’t be right next door ever again.

So had Chris, a friend to them both, yet closer to Nick. He lived in the “better” part of Hutters, if there was such a thing. Kayden he found tossing a ball against the side wall of her house, catching it and throwing it with anger again. He came up beside her.

“Hey.”

She didn’t look at him, she just threw the ball again, her blonde hair back in a short ponytail that swayed in the small breeze. “You’re gonna forget all about me now.”

“What? No I’m not.”

“Yes you are.” She stopped and turned towards him. “You’re moving from here, and I don’t blame ya, so you can move to Tampa-”

“Tampa’s not far and I have my license, you have your permit Kayden and-”

“See and now you’re calling me Kayden instead of Kaydee. You’ll get famous and rich and meet all sorts of fabulous people, and you’ll forget everyone here. Not that I blame ya, but fuck Nick I hate being left behind!” Her arm raised to actually throw the ball at him, but instead, she sighed and let it drop from her hand in defeat.

He walked over, watching for a moment. Then, he just sat, pulling her gently down beside him. “Hey I ain’t gonna forget you. I’m still the same Nick. You’re the one who didn’t tease me for wanting to sing, now I have a bunch of wannabes trying to come around.” he made a face, and Kayden couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Everything’s gonna change.”

Nick shrugged. “I guess, but you’re stuck with me, aight?”

“Yeah?”

He smirked, tackling her down as they started wrestling playfully. Their parents had been telling them they were too old for wrestling, but neither ever listened. She smirked, when she was finally able to get the upper hand and pin him for a few moment’s. He grinned up at her.

“Yeah.”

She hated change. Any kind. Always has. She fought it and the world has been fighting to fuck her over. And it did, and it was with my fucking help. But she earned it. Fucking hell she did. I ain’t the man she thought I was. And now she knows.

Now she won’t let me fucking forget.

*********

“What about Tempest for a name Mel?”

“That is odd.”

“That’s what asshole said.”

“Don’t punish the baby to spite him. That’s like asking for the poor girl to be teased.”

Rolling my eyes I flipped through the baby name book for better suggestions. I like unique names. Sue me. “Okay…Haven”

“Aren’t there any normal names in that book?” She snatched it from me and looked at the cover as I smirk. “Great Uncommon baby names for 2007. Figures.” She tossed me one of the other books I had around me. “Try something NORMAL.”

“What is normal anyway? I want her to be named something special, cause she will be special.”

I saw her smile at that. Ha. I win. “I get your reasoning, but c’mon you know that poor kid is going to be teased to death. Nick won’t hear of it anyway.”

I know I have an annoyed look on my face despite myself as I feel my baby start kicking. Think she knows that’s her daddy yet? I wonder sometimes. I doubt it, he hasn’t been around my tummy enough for her to know. And if by hearing me talk she somehow knew, she’d respond more to hearing the word asshole. Man I gotta watch my mouth once she’s born. Last thing I need is for her first word to be “Asshole” instead of “mama” or “dada”. Even if the asshole deserves it, I for one ain’t having that shit happen. I read this technique in one of my parenting books I bought, that around little ones if you say a bad word, say something like “pickles” or “peanut butter” or some other thing right after it, and they’ll only remember the last word said. So they won’t learn the naughty word. I need to take note of that one.

“If he’s around for us to talk about a name long enough for us to decide on it.”

“Oh you know he’s busy.”

“Haven’t heard from him in two weeks since the last argument we had.”

“At least you didn’t hit him that time.” She replied, smartly.

I shoot her a look, flipping through the pages. I wish a name would just jump out at me. It’d make my life so much easier. “Ha ha, no instead I left all pissed off.”

“But you didn’t injure anyone. Go you.”

If I had I likely wouldn’t have been so pissed off then. But I didn’t say so. All it’d be is another way to earn a discussion on my anger issues. I know I have them. I know I probably should work on them a bit. People who judge would probably be dumb enough to make the asinine suggestion that it could affect my child negatively. They’d be idiots. Because I know I’d never raise my hand to one of my kids beyond a normal spanking. If I have more than the one I’m currently carrying that is. Fuck I don’t know if I will. If I do, I’m going to be married that time.

“I only left placing curses on his name instead.”

“Still a step up” I watched her head into the kitchen to make some food. Which I’ll probably nab some of. I’m eating for two here people. It leaves me with thoughts of asshole again however.

Look at you Kayden, who would marry you? You’re a psychotic wreck half the damn time, thinking everyone is against you! That’s why I fucking did it. I had to fucking escape! Every man will, you’re better off being the slut you are.

I remember when those words were screamed at me in anger. I got violent with fury as a result. Not because they hurt, though they did, but because I know they could be true. It’s hard to fucking trust. I don’t want to be like mom, with all her walls and issues. I knew she loved me as a child, but I can only remember moments where I actually felt like she did. I don’t want to be like that. When it came to her and my father, I could only make guesses, even now, twenty five years old, and I still know almost nothing. I don’t want to become my mother, I’ve fought so long not to be, and yet here I am, retracing her, almost step by step.

It’s for that reason alone I grab my cell and dial an old familiar number again.

Within moments Nick’s car is in front of Mel’s house. He must not have been too far. Hmm. He didn’t tell me how close he was. I glanced back at my friend who sent me a smirk. “Is the girlfriend with him?”

I raise a brow, “Which one?”

“He’s doing it again?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t seen it but I can tell he’s playing on the side. Plus, he’s still with the same girl he was before.” I tuck a short curl behind my ear, my hands tend to wander when I talk about certain subjects. Playing with my hair hid it.

“The one who…”

Let’s not go there. “Uh huh.” I tugged down the tank top I wore. Some of my preggy clothes were for when I was earlier along, but I liked this one. Damn I might have to toss it soon. It kept riding up and showing off my protruding stomach. I grabbed my bag and was going to head to the car, knowing the asshole wouldn’t want to actually be seen coming to get me. That would be a civil act, god forbid he did one of those.

The doorbell rang. I opened it, and holy shit there he was. I waved to Mel and headed out to the car with him. He shrugged. “You were taking too damn long.” He looked ridiculous in a way only Nick can. He must have been out earlier, donned in his old black wig, huge sunglasses, and a hat. He’s had that “disguise” forever. How fans never caught on is beyond me. It’s a horrible one, funny as hell. Good to have now cause of where we’re now going though.

“I was taking too long?”

“Yeah, I ain’t waiting for your lazy ass forever.”

Oh fuck a duck I don’t want a fight. I felt my hormones rage away from anger and down to the other extreme. Fucker, he ain’t seeing me like that. So I just shrugged at him. “Well finding clothes that fit is harder these days aight. Can we just go to the doctors? My one in California recommended him.” I opened the door to his prized silver 2006 Mercedes Benz, the symbol of fame and riches anymore.

“I’m fucking shocked you’re having me bring you instead of Melissa.”

“You are the father. Not that you want to remember that.”

“Cut me a fucking break okay?”

“I haven’t heard shit from you for two weeks, I thought you backed out.”

“There you go getting all fucking paranoid!” He spat out as the car roared out of the driveway. What the fuck was I thinking asking for his ass to come along? I wanted to slam my head against the dashboard. I know this little girl is going to have blond hair and blue eyes (or maybe blue-green or just green thanks to me and my genes) but please don’t let her inherit my anger or Nick’s asshole-ness. Please.

Or I’ll really end up insane.

“Rehab”

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror…
“Someday” by Nickelback

Chapter Six: Reality

It’s the ultrasound that made it real. Seeing that baby, on that screen. A little tiny fucking human just waiting to be born. I knew it was real before, but seeing it, it threw any denial shit I was keeping inside out the damn window. And she waved at me, her hand moved, like a wave, I fucking swear. Holy shit. She doesn’t know I’m her daddy; otherwise I’d be getting the finger. I know it. For not hearing my voice before now. She’s had to have heard Kayden trash talk the hell out of me by now.

“Holy fucking shit.” was all I said.

I saw her look and ignored it. This shit has now hit my fucked up reality. I had to make sure I told Lisette. I know I’m fucking screwed. But I can’t hide it. I want to, but I don’t. It’s fucking twisted, like I wanna be proud of that not even born yet kid ya know? But the selfish me, the me who fucking knows how the world works, wants to hide this, do this all in secret so the media never knows, so Lissy never knows. No matter what choice I pick on this one, it ain’t gonna go over well with whatever chick I tell it to. Lissy or Kayden. Both will flip. One will fucking try to kill me again. The other will fucking scream. Fucking hell.

The doctor continues doing what he’s gotta do. He’s already had her pee in a cup to test it so that everything’s aight. Now he’s feeling around her stomach, watching the ultrasound for the baby’s positioning. I think. Everything’s normal so far though, and that’s good. I raised a brow at Kayden, who was taking it all pretty calmly. She should heh, for being seven and a half months along. Oh fuck. This child is gonna be born in less than two months. Fuck. You know that album I’m promoting, the new Backstreet Boy album we’re doing. Fucking shit. It’s out early 2007. Around the same fucking time. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I’m so screwed. What the hell do I do? Fuck, this means I gotta tell this shit to the fellas, who don’t know yet.

Aight. I have to delay the album. And tell the guys. Shit. I bet Kevin knows by now, cause he and Kayden still talk, but he ain’t in the group anymore. (Don’t get me started on that) I wish he was. I miss him. I felt someone watching me, and turn my head over to see her giving me the strangest freaking look. Heh, that got returned when her phone rang with a tune I never thought she’d still have on the damn thing. One of our cheesiest and dated ass songs…

Come and help me through the night
Ain't nobody else can make me cry
Ain't nobody else can make me lie
Nobody but you…
Ain‘t nobody else but you…

“I can’t believe you still have that damn song for Kevin.” Six years almost exactly and she still manages to make sure that song is the ring tone.

“Of course I do, it’s my favorite solo of his.” She shrugged and answered, leaving me to watch her, amazed that even though she ain’t the same, some things haven’t changed. “Hey Kevy.”

************

“Hey, how’s it going along?”

I raise a brow as the doctor did the usual. Nick was looking damn confused, which wasn’t shocking. “It’s going. He knows, he’s actually right next to me.”

“Glad you finally told him.”

“Shocked you didn’t.”

I knew Nick hated me talking about him like he’s not here. I could be such a bitch sometimes. But hell, it’s fun. “It’ had to be you.”

“Yeah yeah, we’re actually at the doc’s, prenatal check ups.”

“I’ll let you go then, let Nick know I’ll call him later.”

“Bye Kevykins.” Betcha Kevin’s fuzzy brows just shot up at that one. I hung up the phone and glanced at asshole. “He’s going to call ya later.” I’m pretty damn happy to get out of the doctor’s after finding out everything is normal, but that my breasts might start leaking soon. Peachy. Well, gotta go shopping for that padding stuff for my bras later. Nature is just so damn great. Sarcasm here. Nick walked beside me, quiet for once as I waddled out to his Benz. I just kind of gazed at him, wondering what his random ADHD rattled mind was thinking. Yeah, he does actually have it, not that his mom ever did shit. I used to know how his mind worked once, when he was Nick, before he became asshole. I grabbed his hand, can’t explain why.

“What the fuck are you doing Kayden-”

I set it on my stomach and held it there, knowing my child was awake in there.

“Oh…oh shit.” I saw a smile appear, not that fan fake one either. Didn’t know he still had it in him. “Damn, that’s fucking cool.”

“I thought you might like that.”

“Yeah…it’s, well fuck Kayden, today made all this shit real.”

I pull away after a few minutes and the two of us climbed in the car. I almost felt like I’d been thrown in an alternate reality where everything was still okay. Where all the bullshit didn’t happen, everything was okay. I smirk a bit at the comment though, couldn’t help it. “I didn’t get the luxury of denial. The whole morning sickness deal spoils that idea.”

“I’m shocked you didn’t get an abortion when you knew.” he had the balls to say as he drove. If he wasn’t driving, I might’ve smacked him. Blame hormones. I rolled my eyes instead, peeved. I rub my stomach, glad my child can’t understand words yet. “Gee thanks, but I don’t run away from my damn problems, or do a reality show so everyone can see them.” House of Carters had been his sisters’ idea, and I’d been the one against it then, when thoughts came up two years before the thing actually became real. Part of me kind of wondered if he did it to spite me since it came soon after we stopped talking.

“It ain’t that, you always acted like you didn’t want kids. Fuck, and don’t fucking bring in the show, fucking low blow. Why do that? You’d been right before, aight just say it and get it over with.”

“Not everyone is like you and-” I stopped mid way, amazed he said I was right. Really that’s a hell must be trapped in a blizzard moment right there.

“I just had to fucking try aight! They need me, or maybe I just fuck them up more cause I’m a selfish fuck like you love to call me.”

I took a moment to say something, it’s not often he has me frozen for words. But he did. I struck a big ass nerve. “Yeah, I know…” And I did, but sometimes his sibling issues were confusing. Always had been, with my mom and being an only child. I was starting to get it due to the current bun in the oven, or so I thought. “You’re the only decent thing for em Nick.” And I hate admitting that. “I do get it.”

“Do you? Then why the fuck do you throw that in my face?”

“I do get it, and do you get that maybe I wanted this baby? It’s the same reaction I had when you said that shit to me.”

Now he froze. “Yeah, I do get it.”

“Let’s just get some damn food, I’m starved.”

After some more driving, I saw an IHOP in the distance. The drive had gone quiet, except for Nick’s blaring of System of a Down. Meh. I’d rather be listening to say Usher, Elliot Yamin, or maybe some Chris Brown right about now. Hmm, or Gwen Stefani. Nick on the other hand wanted crap that killed your ears. Ironic since he’s part of the last boy band standing wasn’t it? I was surprised when he actually pulled up at the IHOP, that ain’t asshole’s style. Him at a normal place? No way in hell, not anymore. Not since the “I Want It That Way” days. He turned off the car, and gave me the same kind of casual shrug of the shoulders I usually gave him.

“No one will recognize me.” he said, answering my unspoken question.

“Why do you care about being recognized now when you didn’t before?” The nerve of that asshole. I stormed my big wobbly and pregnant ass out of the car, slamming the door behind me. “Always about you and your damn image isn’t it?”

***********

Fucking hell.

This crazy bitch is never happy.

And here I thought she might actually have a human side buried way down deep somewhere. Forget that idea. So what if I want to make sure no one sees this? No one needs to know. I’m accepting my damn responsibility like a man. I did decide that. But I haven’t decided any other shit yet. I don’t need the damn world to be seeing me around here and start putting two and two together yet.

“You WANT this out?” I threw back at her. Her career is her most prized thing to her too.

“Could care less, world already knows I’m pregnant. They just keep asking who the FATHER is. You’re lucky I haven’t put your huge ass on blast yet anyway.”

“Can I at least work my shit out first Kay, or is too much to ask. Cause I KNOW we must all focus on your crazy slutty ass or you start getting paranoid cause it ain’t about you for once.”

“Lay off the bullshit, pot meet fucking kettle.”

“Get off my ass.”

“You wish I was on it, screw this, I’m starved.” She shoved her big ass by me, going inside and not giving a damn if I fell or not. I followed, sitting my butt down across from her. Me and my damn dick. Of all females for it to get pregnant, it had to be her.

It just had to be Kayden. Goddamn reality.

*********

Food calms me down now. I blame being preggers and eating for two. I glanced at Nick as I took another bite. Yay pancakes. I don’t have a clue how to handle him now. Everything is so fucked up now, so damaged. It can’t be that way when my, okay our, baby is born. It wasn’t always this way either. But it is now. I don’t want that constantly above her head; it will be anything but good for her. No matter how much I hate asshole, I can’t do that. We’ve been quiet as we ate too, tension hanging like crazy, it was honestly pretty odd.

“I like the name Haven.” I let him know, having wanted to shatter our silence.

“Haven.”

“Yeah, she’s been that for me. I’m liking the idea of Haven Jean Carter.”

Yes I just said that, it’s like I said, we need to figure out how to handle each other. All this shit can’t keep hovering around us. We’ve got two months to deal. Damn we’re so screwed.

“I thought you didn’t want her named after me.”

“I didn’t. But I like the flow of it, and you are her father. I want a unique name, but that bugs ya, so it’s a compromise.”

“You can compromise? Holy shit is it the apocalypse?”

“Don’t spoil it Carter.”

Leave it to him to try. His tongue snuck out the side of his mouth, without his realizing it. He’s thinking. Asshole’s done that forever when he’s thinking but never caught on that that’s a habit of his.

“Haven Jean Jamison-Carter.”

“Not Jamison-Carter, just Carter. I don’t need some anti-man dominated crap. I save that for my career.”

I saw him shake his head, and I could be wrong here, but… I think I saw him have a momentary smile at me and something I said.

Wonders never cease.

********

I had Lisette by me the next day, guitar by my side, helping her write a song. Yes a Backstreet Boy can write, Jive is just fucking evil and have always been bitches when we want to use our own songs. Her head rested on my shoulder as I grabbed the acoustic to play the open notes to the melody I had going. I jotted what I had down, and played the beginning again and heard Lissy start to sing what words I had along with me.

Looking for beauty in a certain
Finding the strength inside the gray
Maybe I'm heading for a breakdown
And maybe that's ok
Could be I’m hanging on for dear life
Maybe I need to get a grip…

I love the way music seemed to connect me and her from the beginning. That’s how our relationship’s been. She had an album out before we started dating, but she’s trying to make her mark, same as how me and the fellas are trying to prove we’re still gonna keep coming back around. But music in pure form, its passion, freedom, we can share between me and her, and anyone who listens to the meanings spoken through music.

Few people ever believe that that kind of shit can come from me. But I get like that with music; it’s all I know to actually be right. The rest? I’m fucking clueless. Like how to tell Lisette some news I was still hiding. Yeah I know I’m bad and selfish. Live with it. Love it.

“Eh…”

“What babe?”

“I’m not feeling this Nick; it sounds like it belongs on your album instead of mine.”

“There’s something wrong with that?” Like I need that shit from her. I already hear it in the business.

“I’m already dating you and my first album was very pop-ish. I’m trying to get away from that.”

Aight that ain’t cool. I know my ass stiffened up. I hate when people discredit my music. What the hell is so wrong about fun pop songs anymore? I mean fucking hell. I know I’m a rocker with most shit I listen to, but I do love the music I make. “There’s something wrong with our music Lis?”

I watched her sigh, like she’s sick of me. “Not wrong, I just want different.”

“Different.”

“Yeah, I still adore you. Just want a different style now.” She kissed me softly, and I let myself kiss her back like always. “And what is with you lately, you’ve been distant.”

I shook my head, putting the guitar down. Standing, I stretched. I don’t like this conversation. And I wasn’t even gonna start into all the shit bugging my fucked up mind. “Nothing, nothing at all baby.”

“Rehab”

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I‘ll give it to someone special…
I‘ll give it to someone…
“Last Christmas” by Ashley Tisdale

Chapter Seven: Conversations

My head pounded. Damn, I shouldn’t have gone out after Lis left last night. But I was fucking frustrated aight. A random slinky female lay next to me, snoring a bit too. That’s fucking attractive, but hell I had good sex, that’s what matters. I knew I promised Lisette no more groupies but I said before I was still having them on the side. What she doesn’t know never hurt her. I stretched, climbing out of bed and getting dressed. I’ll have to wake what’s her face up so I can get her ass out and my ass to the meeting. We were meeting up to decide on a few more things with the album, my ass is just lucky we hadn’t actually said a date for it yet. I gotta tell them I’ll need a delay. They’re gonna be pissed but I can’t do it now, I just found out a few weeks ago I’m having a kid. She still doesn’t know. And it’s getting closer; Florida is actually getting fucking cold.

I hate this time of year, it’s about family and shit, and it reminds me of my lack of it. Usually I get drunk and sleep it off. It’s only a week and a half fucking away, and today I gotta have that damn meeting to tell the guys what’s going on. I headed in the bathroom to shower, the chick will wake up eventually or I’ll get her ass up myself. Good sex sometimes goes sour the morning after, but this one knew me. A regular one night-er. I just didn’t feel like doing this today, but it’s gotta be done sometime.

Fucking hell.

********

I can’t help but sing as I wandered the stores. I love this time of year, which most who know me are surprised to hear. I don’t know, mom always made it special. She tried her best, and I loved her for it. When I was young, this time of year was magical. And dammit it will be for my little girl too. Mel was teaching her class. So I was on my own, trying to get what I knew I needed, keep an eye out at any cute apartments or condos too. I’m going to have to get one soon. I look at the little jumper outfit in my hands, trying to picture a golden haired little girl running down the halls for me. I’ve debated on the name even after telling Nick I decided on Haven Jean Carter. This whole thing freaked me out, I mean, no one would picture me as a mother. Even asshole admitted he thought I’d abort it.

I just don’t get what is so shocking about me wanting my own child to nurture and love. Hell, I want it just like any other young woman. I wish I wasn’t fucking doing it alone, but I am, thanks to asshole and his asshole ways. What can I do? After wanting this so long, doesn’t mean I’m going to give it up. Shit that’s harder is usually worth it. What scares me more is labor, a labor I’ll be dealing with alone. My friends were all back in California. So was my mother, all I had here was Melissa, who I love dearly for being here for me, and asshole.

I felt a force crash into me as the items I was holding flew up into the air. I tried to catch em, but thanks to pregnancy it didn’t come out so well. I must have been so lost in my damn thoughts I spaced out the rest of the world. Smooth move Kayden. I bent down to pick up the stuff I dropped, feeling stupid as it was more awkward than I thought. Damn tummy. I looked up to be met with the prettiest pair of eyes I’ve seen since asshole’s. More green than blue, but they seemed to change with the light. A lithe figure, muscular in its own way. I took him in, his baby face, smooth and clear, a smile that charmed me then, thick hair, dyed black that went to about his shoulders, a little of the roots showed it to be naturally a light brown. Looking only two years older than myself, he was dressed more in that Goth style that I personally don’t get. Yet, something pulled me in, maybe how different he is from guys who’ve passed through my life, friends or more. Still, why the hell was I thinking about him this way? I’m pregnant and unmarried, not exactly attractive. For once I didn’t have a damn thing to say, I’m a journalist, and I’m supposed to be able to comment on just about anything.

He handed me my things, and shot me a grin. “Daydreaming?”

“Yeah a bit, sorry about that.”

“It’s aight, how far along are you?”

“Thirty two weeks. Trying to get some last minute shopping.”

“Me too, my younger sister Kathryn, is pregnant so I’m trying to find her something. I’m glad you’re aight though, your husband would prolly get hella pissed if I made something happen by accident.”

I smiled, feeling for the first time embarrassed about my situation. All the questions, the hype about me being pregnant in the news world, (well for a reporter I mean), and I always took in stride. Now I felt almost dirty for that damn night that started it all. Fuck a duck man. “Um…no hubby, we’ll just say big screw up.” I rubbed my stomach gently. “But I wanted the baby, she did nothing wrong. So single mom even before birth and all that.”

“Hey that’s pretty respectable right there.”

“Thanks, most don’t think that.”

He was looking at me pretty intently, and I was wondering if he found me familiar. Obviously more guys recognize me than women, because hello, I work on ESPN. “I ain’t most people.” He held out his hand to me, normal friendly gesture. “Luke Sigler.”

“Kayden Jamison.” I took his hand and shook it hard.

He laughed. “Good grip, a cute girl with some strength behind her.”

I smirked. Cute? Not in this state, not till maybe I have the baby and drop a bunch of weight. “That scare you? Or should I go scare up a Lea to defend you?”

“Oh you got Star Wars jokes, props for being a little original.”

“Hey you can’t beat those movies.” Really you can’t. Nick never understood my fascination for those movies. I’ve adored them since I was a kid.

“Agreed, so you just visiting?”

“Too far along, we can say I’m moving here for awhile.”

“Good news to hear, Tampa needs more people who aren’t on vacation, or retirement.”

It was so easy to talk to him, I couldn’t get it. “I grew up outside of here, so I get what you mean, this place is tourist central, or you get the rich snobs and crap.”

“Don’t forget the royal celebrities.”

I smirked, but shrugged, thinking of Nick. Fuck knows he fit that description, there was a time when he didn‘t, but that time was long past. I needed to forget it. “Eh, they always live on the outside anyway, we’re not good enough for them, and we let them believe that to keep them away.”

“Riiight.” Simply said, not sarcastic, just agreeing. He had a slight southern accent himself, very very subtle. I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t notice it on Brian every once in awhile, and learned how to hear for it.

“Southern boy right? I can hear it.”

His grin grew, nodding as one hand ran through his long hair. He had such a playful aura about his personality yet dressed so dark. Oddly enough, on my first impressions, it fit him. He grabbed up the items he dropped earlier and I swore I could feel something slip along my jeans. I glanced up at him, not sure to be irked or not cause I couldn’t tell if it happened or if I’m just paranoid. I do have a bad habit to act too damn quickly.

“We should hang when I ain’t trying to avoid Christmas shoppers.” He shot me a sly little wink, you know, the kind Howie has tried for years but never could pull off; and left through the mass crowd of Christmas shoppers. I checked my pocket, and there was a slip of paper with a phone number written along it.

I headed for the checkout line myself after tucking the number back away. I knew I couldn’t hide the smile on my face at all. It’s been some time since I felt that at ease and had a guy flirt with me. And in this condition to boot.

I love this time of year.

Bring on the candy canes bitches.

*************

Our meeting was around Howie’s kitchen table. Boy needs a new place, but he’s as bad about being cheap as Brian is about that damn waterbed. That damn waterbed that he still fucking has, that he still brags about getting for fifty bucks, ten damn years after he bought the fucking thing. I’m amazed it survived with Leighanne’s bony self sleeping in it and all. Yeah I hate the fucking Yoko; she changed Brian so damn much. She never liked me, so the shit’s mutual anyway. We were there more to discuss plans, ideas for the theme now that we have the title of the record. I knew we ain’t gonna get to any of that, cause I had to bomb them with the news of what’s been going on for the last three fucking weeks, and the days were getting closer till I became known as daddy.

Talk about a fucking head trip. I still have the headache left over from the hangover earlier. I’d be worse but I used an old recipe AJ had for that shit before he hit rehab and got sober. Thank something for herbal type shit.

“Guys, um, we gotta delay the album.” May as well get the shit out there now.

Brian was the one who gave me the first look of worry. I was pretty damn hyped about this one, so he knew the reason had to be very good or pretty damn big. “Why?”

“Because I just found out that Kayden’s having my baby and she’s gonna have it a month before release date. I hate the bitch but I ain’t gonna abandon the baby, so I gotta be there.”

“How did this happen?”

“Aww it’s time for the talk! See Howie when a man and a woman have sex it-” I felt a smack on the back of my head. Damn Puerto Rican jumping bean! “Ow!”

“You’re having a kid with Kayden? Are you fucking crazy Nick?” AJ’s hated her since day one, and yeah he’s right I am fucking crazy. Too late to stop it now. Not that I had a damn choice anyway.

“I just found out man, and I hate saying this shit but its mine, what the fuck am I supposed to do, be a worse parent than mine?”

“I think you’re doing the right thing.” Thank you Brian. There’s a reason you’re my best friend in the group. “It happened, it was a mistake, and you’re stepping up. We can delay the album if she’s due around then.”

“She is.”

“Leigh will be happy, we can plan our wedding and I can spend the holiday with her like I wanted.”

“Does Kev know?” Gee thanks Bone.

“Fuck man Kayden told him before she told me.”

“I’m not surprised; my cousin’s the same way with her the way he is with you.”

“Let’s just talk about the record guys; now that we know it’ll be delayed, it’ll give us more time to try out more of the songs we wanted to.” I love the Puerto Rican midget right now.

“Wait, Frackolas, did you tell Lisette.” Shit, that’s the damn question I didn’t want ask. Dammit Brian you’re not my friend anymore! (Shut up, I know I sound five, but fuck!)

“Heh, so about the record.”

“Fucking spitballs, you didn’t tell your own fuck buddy?”

“Jay she’s my girlfriend not my fuck buddy.”

“Bullshit.”

“She is!”

“Nick, you should tell her. The media is going to catch you soon; they follow you like white on rice more than any of us. Heck, they just now found out I’m engaged.”

“You’ll end up photographed at one of her appointments, try telling her tomorrow.”

“Yeah yeah, so about the new album. I had a new song. Wrote it for Lis, heh, she didn’t want it…thought we should try it.”

Avoidance is fucking great sometimes.

“Rehab”

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am…
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I’ve been down,
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
- “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback

Chapter Eight: Insane Ideas and Unwanted Thoughts

I sat there, phone in my hands, two numbers. There was Nick, who, now that I’m getting closer and closer to due date land, needs to go with me to my next appointment. But, then there was Luke’s number. I’ve called him once since, he now has my number. He seemed to be so charming, but charming is damn scary. Nick was once charming. Christmas was only days away and despite my personal love for the holiday, I felt down. I guess part of it is hormonal, but part of it isn’t. I feel so far from everything I’ve known, thrown back into a past I wanted to forget. Nothing tragically agonizing to remember here I know, but enough to hurt, enough to just want to go away. But I’m not twelve years old anymore; the world no longer works that way.

Mel is out shopping, the girl procrastinates gifts like no other. I would’ve gone if it weren’t for the fact I felt like I was a thousand pounds and big as a house. It made me lazy, and I opted for coco as I watched TV instead. Changing the channel, a rerun of House of Carters filled the screen, but…instead of changing it like I wanted to, I kept it on. Can’t say I ever actually watched the show. Now I did, and for a second, here and there, I saw glimpses of the man I used to know as my best friend. The way he went nuts over trying to make sure Aaron was safe, the way he tried so hard to protect them all. Sometimes successfully, and if he failed, he failed in a way only Nick could. Was it all an act for the cameras? I wanted to say yes, since he had become asshole to me before this was even taped. But I know his fake side, and in those few moments where he was Nick, not asshole, those were legit. If that side of him hadn’t died, what happened? Did he just bury it?

Or was it me who brought out asshole?

I blame my emotional state, but the thought made me almost want to cry. Almost counts only in horseshoes. Don’t forget that. Before I could actually dial a number though, Luke called first. I answered, feeling short of breath. Damn pregnancy.

“Hello?”

“You aight? You run for the phone or something.”

“No, just, short of breath. So, hey.”

“Aight so I was thinking, I know you prolly don’t like coffee cause the last time coffee came around, it left a bean in the coffee machine, but damn, I think you should try a cappuccino with me sometime. We can discuss you going back to coffee coffee.”

I laughed at the hidden message in there. Yet felt sad again, I have gotten very gun shy so to speak. Can anyone blame me? The last time I actually did the whole flirting and romance and all that comes with it… No I am not going to go there. With everything going on, fighting thinking about it is a bitch to do, but dammit I’m gonna do it. He seemed so sincere, so sweet in his own definitely unique way.

“I guess cappuccinos are different, and coffee coffee might be worth glancing at again…even if it does have to be decaf. Maybe on Thursday?”

“Sounds aight. I’ll meet you at Dino’s around eleven? You know where it is…since you said you grew up here and all…”

Dino’s was a diner that’s been around since as long as I can remember, a little café outside of Tampa just before Ruskin came actually. A middle of nowhere almost location, but it had good food and was a great escape as a teenager. I knew it well; growing up it was the setting for dates, friends and all that jazz. I‘m impressed he remembers me saying I‘m a former native. “I love that place, sounds good.”

“I promise, coffee will be good to you this time around.”

“I think it might too, maybe.”

“Good, bye Kayden.”

“Bye.”

Hanging up the receiver, I let myself sigh as I tried to maneuver out of the couch I was in. Harder than it looks the farther I get along. I changed my mind and relaxed there for the moment. Two days before Christmas, and I need to make sure I found an apartment. I can feel a smile grow a little, because despite myself, the whole coffee talk did warm me up a bit. I pulled out my laptop, which was on the coffee table in front of me. Soon my fingers were flying across it for available places around Tampa. I yawned, wishing I didn’t have to deal with this, but it’s not exactly like I can raise my baby at Mel’s place. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I need to call Nick about when my next appointment is, but that call put me in a lighter spirit for once, all asshole would do is bring me right back down to my oh so annoying reality. I don’t want that right now. So I will just see what I can dig up, and chat with Melissa about dinner when she gets home.

Speaking of which, I was able to hear her come in, grumbling as she passed me who was still in the living room. I raise a brow in silent questioning.

“What’s wrong?” Okay not so silent.

“Just ugh. That boy just tested my patience all to heck.”

“Oh?”

“The father is waiting for you outside.”

“Ahh asshole run in.” I had forgotten her and Nick haven’t really interacted even with all the stuff going on up until today.

“You weren’t kidding when you said he’s changed. He didn‘t used to be like that.”

I shrug and slowly made myself get up. “Yeah, wish I was kidding.”

She gave me a smile, helping me. “You’ve changed too though; it’s that whole growing up concept.”

I chuckle, sticking out my tongue at her. “I’ll even not get violent. It’ll ruin the Christmas spirit.” I went to the door, and there he was waiting for me, tapping his foot like this is some major waste of his time or something. Even if he did come here on his own.

“Yes?”

“Hey.”

“Hi yourself. Good to see you‘re an ass to more than just me.”

“Wasn’t trying to be.”

“Bullshit.”

“Look, you find your own place yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Still looking?”

“Yeah but I’ll be aight.”

“What if I had an idea?”

***********

I fucking hate doing the so called right thing. I ain’t doing this for her. I’m doing this for my kid. I know Kayden has her career and money and shit, but she still doesn’t have a place. She needs one, but it’s hard for her to look since she wants to do nothing being pregnant and all. And I don’t want her taking that baby back to LA, so, I came up with an idea. You might think I’m fucking crazy for it, but I had one.

“An idea. You?”

“Yes, fuck do you have to make this hard?”

I watched her cross her arms and give me one of her looks. A dirty stare. “I didn’t make anything hard, if you remember this entire damn chain of events started with you.”

“Do you have to bring that up?”

“Why not? Hell we haven’t talked about it since it happened!”

“Maybe I want to forget it.”

“Whoa you actually feeling guilt Carter?”

“More like fucking disgust, remember, it involves you.”

Every time it turns into an argument. I hate her sometimes, but she might be right. Guilt may fucking be hiding somewhere in my mix of emotional bullshit as well. There ain’t no way I want to relive it either. Hell no. How the hell do I get myself in this? Hell this all started by being friends with the chick, who knew that’d blow up into all this.

“Nick, why you so quiet?”

“Just thinking of how to say something.”

“Well we’re on a tour bus, so I ain’t going anywhere, talk to me.”

“You don’t want to hear this.”

He felt her arm drape over his shoulder in a comforting way. “It’s me, and the whole you can tell me anything rule applies.”

Nineteen years old and he couldn’t find a way to say it again. He’s said it before, how he felt, what he wanted. Always and forever was the same answer. It’s been happening since he was fifteen. One would think he’d get it by now. But Nick knew, and he was stubbornly holding on. It’s hard to let go of feelings, thoughts like that. Especially for someone like this one. He was now famous beyond belief, performing one of the biggest tours of the year with the Backstreet Boys. So many wanted him, and yet here he was, eying a simple girl from Hutters, one he’d known for so long. The summer was almost over, and soon she’d be at college, while he’d be overseas. Would a relationship even work? They knew how to keep a bond over the distance sure, but this would be different and they both knew it.

“You know what I want to say Kayden.”

He watched her expression change, her blue green eyes shadowed now, shifting more to a green tint. Of course she knew. “Nick, you’re my best friend. I love you for that. Why ruin it with a relationship?”

“Because you want it too.”

“You don’t know what I want Nick, and neither do I.”

“Oh really.”

“Yes really but I know what I don’t want, I don’t want to hate you one day. It’s not worth some fling we could have. I’m…I’m going to my bunk to do some summer reading my stupid classes assigned before I even start college.”

He sighed as she climbed into her bunk in the bus. It always ended the same. A no and then they acted like it never happened. Some things never change, and he wished some things would. He went towards the front of the bus, where he could play a video game. Since the tour was so huge and all, and they had struck it big, each member now had their own bus. At least it meant no questions. All that fame and he still wasn‘t able to get a yes when he asked a girl out. It figured.

I shake the memory away. I was a damn pathetic teenager. Funny since all the fans thought I was a cocky little shit then. Ain’t true, I was insecure as all hell, chasing a girl who kept rejecting me. So I dated other celebrities, singers, and all that crap. Mainly I was media hype boy. Mandy, I mean “Willa Ford” was one of those back then. Fuck that hasn’t changed much either. I’m still media boy. I ain’t had many meaningful romance type shit. I don’t believe in it anymore, I should’ve learned that when I was a kid watching my parents. But hell, I’m a slow ass learner, but I did learn. Who knew she’d be right about us hating each other years later. Prophetic type shit right there.

“Nick if you’re going to insult the hell out of me and then fucking space forever again, go home. I ain’t up for your shit and you should really treat your ADHD.”

“Look I’m here for you so quit bitching.”

“Are you ever going to say why then?”

“Of course I am.”

“So start talking Carter.”

“Look you remember how my place is right?”

“No way in hell am I living with you.”

“Not with me, you remember the set up right…”

“Of the Carter Compound? Sure, your family moved into a new place once your parents divorced; now you’re in the main house…”

“So live in the guest house I had set up for me. I ain’t saying we live together, but you get your damn space, I get mine, and it’ll be good for the baby and such.”

“Your old hut styled one?”

“Yeah.”

“So live with you but not with you. Are you insane?!”

“Right. And hell I was trying to be nice aight, take care of shit.” I think I’m crazy for suggesting this shit now. I can see it. What the hell was I thinking now? Oh, right. Being a responsible person, getting my freedom still, and having the baby near so she knows me. Too bad Kayden’s part of the damn deal.

“Take care of things huh. What about your bitch Lisette? Does your girlfriend know about ANY of this yet?”

And there’s…well that shit too of course.

“Rehab”

Cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because, when the sun shines,
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
- “Umbrella” by Rihanna

Chapter Nine: Christmas Miracles

All my stuff started arriving today. I had my mom and friends back in Los Angeles start shipping it down. It’s going to be at least a little while before I come back, and I have the means, so why not get my special stuff? I decided to take Nick up on his offer. I give him a little credit for making it to begin with. It surprised me. So now it’s Christmas Eve, and my stuff arrived at the Carter compound, and movers trailed behind me to carry stuff to the guest house I’ll be calling home for awhile. This one used to be Nick’s, styled like a native hut, away from the mansion itself. He always needed space from his family. Once they left the main house, he moved in, making it his own once more. I gazed around, seeing he left a lot of his own stuff here, realizing this had to be his escape, even now. A picture of us as kids caught my eye, and I smiled sadly. As much as I couldn’t stand him now, I wished just as badly to have that friendship back. It was distance that made it easier, having him back in my life was something I was unprepared to handle. It brought everything back. It’s easy to forget things when they’re not around to remind you.

Nick is in the main house somewhere, staying as far from me as possible. Now I ain’t so sure if that’s good or not anymore. I know how I started this, damning his name in every way possible. He is still the asshole, I haven’t forgotten that. I just, I started remembering was all. I’m too damn soft. Stupid hormones. Mel was coming in behind me with a load of stuff. She dropped the box on the bed, glancing around. It was a pretty nice set up.

“You know if this doesn’t work, you can run back to my place.”

I grin, hugging her. “Of course, besides I need a place to escape to when asshole drives me out my damn mind and I’m about to kick his ass.”

“You said you’d try anger management again.”

“After the baby was born.”

“Right.”

“Well, she’s not born yet.”

We both laugh, as she feels my stomach again. You can tell she’s Nick’s kid, hyperactive as all hell. “See even your baby agrees with me!”

“Nah, she’s just wishing she was out.”

“Inpatient like mommy. So you decide on a name yet?”

“Yeah, Haven Jean Carter.”

“Whoa.”

“What? I like Haven.”

“It’s not that, it’s more the “Jean Carter” part of it.”

I start looking though one of my boxes. Oh. I didn’t mean for them to send this, what I called my memory box. Full of things I wished I had the will to throw away. A box of mementos best forgotten. Mel was looking through it, curious. “Why’s that?”

“I figured you’d keep her with your last name and deny Nick any namesake. Oh by the way, you got a package from Kevin over at my place.” Ooh, present, I just sent mine out about a week ago.

I sigh as I pull out an old teddy bear, given to me by Brian actually, for my birthday, when I felt lonely away from Nick or on tour. I forgot I had the thing. Foozles. That bear was my hugest confidant over the years. I also found old pictures, concert stubs, notes accumulated, and things from other countries I was able to get or that Nick sent to me. Letters from Kevin describing in very long detail what was around them, telling me I’d see it too. Postcards, all this stuff reminding me of what was lost.

“She is his daughter, and he’s stepped up.”

“Does anyone other than me and Kevin know it’s his yet?”

I shrugged.

“Then he hasn’t stepped up yet. When he’s man enough to let the world know that hey yes it happened but he doesn’t give a shit who knows, when he’s thinking of that first instead of his selfish annoying asshole self, then he’s stepped up.”

“Eh, I think this whole preggy thing is mellowing me out. Cause I agree, totally, you know that, but part of me is wanting to give him a break.”

“Maybe it’s the whole Christmas forgiveness thing.”

“Maybe.”

************

I was at the door at Lissy’s. Waiting for her high maintenance, slow ass to get to the car. I know I gotta tell her tonight. If she loves me she’ll forgive it, let it go, and move on. If not, eh, oh well. I said it already, I don’t believe in that love bullshit anymore. I don’t think I’m capable of it now. Christmas Eve and I’m about to tell her that I had gotten Kayden pregnant thirty three weeks ago. I’m fucked up and I know it, so don’t tell me, cause I know aight. She hopped in the car, looking well damn sexy and pretty fucking perky, and not just emotionally aight.

“So where we going?” She asked, as I pulled the car out and drove away from her place.

“Recording studio remember?”

“Oh right, forgot this one was a business date.”

“I know babe, and I’m sorry since it’s Christmas Eve and all that but I was able to fix my equipment at my place, and got some of it upgraded.” Aight that had been done weeks ago, but she doesn’t know that.

“Okay, and I did decide about your latest song. I like Nowhere To Go, but it’s more your band thing, and I’m still trying to get my credibility as an artist…”

I bit my tongue; this was something that came up a lot. That I write well but fucking god forbid people know the song is written by a Backstreet Boy. Fuck it then, I’ll make sure we use it somehow. “Babe we gotta talk.” I parked the car in front of my place, knowing Kayden moved into the guest hut today.

She watches me, her brown eyes looking so damn innocent. Trust me, there’s a sex kitten hidden behind there. “Bout what.” Her look was cold and I knew I was dealing with her in bitchy mode. What the hell is it with women and them having this sixth sense about this crap? I swear they always know when I’m about to drop a huge ass bomb of bad news.

“It’s about Kayden.”

“What the hell is it about her now? Do I have to freaking kill the bitch to get her out of your damn life again? I swear I thought I handled this eight months ago-” I blinked at that. What the fuck happened between Lisette and Kayden eight months ago? That was when all the shit went down. What the fuck? Never mind, that ain’t important right now.

To be honest it’s a miracle this shit ain’t hit the tabloids yet.

“She’s pregnant.”

“Obviously Nick, I caught a glimpse of the slut. I watch the news; they already mentioned that she is but that she won’t say who the father is. Likely cause the tramp don’t know and-”

Sometimes my girl gets on my last damn nerve. “Shut up Lis and let me say it aight.”

“What then? I don’t like your tone Nickolas.”

I hate my damn name. “I’m the father.”

And here is where she goes completely batshit crazy.

“You’re WHAT?! Nick how do you even know it’s you?! That tramp fools around, and it can be anyone and she just wants money! You need the DNA test-”

Told ya. “Look, I know from the date, and she don’t need money, she has her own damn career. And she hates me, so why would she tell me unless I was. Think Lis. Look cause I am, she‘s staying in the guest house-”

“Oh no this is getting taken care of RIGHT NOW!” That’s when she lunged her ass out of the car and went running for where Kayden just moved in.

Heh, that went better than I thought it would.

********

Some things never change. I swear. Eight months before, I saw a woman try to destroy me. Now it’s the same bitch, only now I’m huge. She succeeded then only partially, she did ruin my bond with “her” man. So you know how I spent Christmas Eve? Having her ass bang on my door demanding I let her into the guest house I just finished moving into.

And they say I’m the crazy bitch? Come on now, screw that. I opened the door though, knowing asshole has to be somewhere behind her.

“You didn’t get the damn message when I told you I’d get you out of his life did you?!”

“Ain’t like this was my choice.”

“Know this, even with that demon spawn of yours, I ain’t going anywhere. Maybe that kid won’t even know its father.”

I can feel my blood boiling here people. Similar threats, just like last time. Only now, they involve my baby and that is NOT going to happen. “She WILL know her father, Nick is fucked up in a lot of ways but he wouldn’t treat his kid worse than how he was.”

“Heh, you keep on thinking that Kayden, I got that boy wrapped…”

And with that, she left, passing Nick and going down the road, using her cell I’m assuming to call a taxi up here. Nick stood there, halfway between me and her. Just like last time. If only that boy could sort all his shit and actually see things for what the fuck they are. But no, and then he goes back to thinking of himself. Because in the end, that’s what makes Nick asshole. So much can change in a year; while so damn much can stay the same. Man, last year, was nothing like this bull crap we’re dealing with now.

Christmas Eve, 2005

Kayden smiled as Nick kissed her again. Despite it all, all the trouble it caused, all the protesting she had done over the years, it felt good to be within Nick’s arms. It felt right, safe, protected. It was as if their growing up as friends had only lead them to the inevitable, no matter how hard she fought it. Sure Paris Hilton had damaged Nick like no other, only a year and a half before. But she knew, slowly, she would break down the walls, heal the scars that heiress had inflicted on him.

They lay in the bed together, at yet another hotel. She was here for a major game, he had come up to see her between recording sessions now that the Never Gone tour didn‘t pick back up overseas till January. He hated Christmas, while she loved it. Nick, knowing she hated the idea of spending it alone, even for work, had come to surprise her only a day before. So now they were together, snuggling so simply in the bed. This had been their first together, and she was just glowing. For Kayden had been virginal until this very night. Their bodies were still intertwined, and she couldn’t help but enjoy the feel of her fitting against him, skin to skin. Her hair, longer then, past her shoulders, was intertwined within his fingers. She was unable to resist a chuckle at his hair fetish. That had never changed, and she doubted it ever would. She felt his hands trail slowly along her cheek.

“I love you.”

She stared at him. They had only been dating a couple months. Nick wasn’t one for emotions. And at that her own heart turned, did she love him to? Her stomach turned, because she couldn’t say it yet. She felt it, felt like she had for no other, yet the words couldn’t escape her mouth. So she forced a smile, looking into his deep blue eyes waiting for her response.

“Ditto…”

I hate this, remembering stuff that only brings pain. I had been day dreaming so bad, I didn’t even see him walk up. I eyed him carefully. “I take it she knows.”

“What’d she say to you?”

Tell him? No, cause then I would have to explain it all. And if he couldn’t see it then, when he let it all go down the way it had eight months before. He chose that path then, I’m not going to try and change it now.

“Just how mad she was that I didn’t tell you till now, you know she hates me anyway. Look, its Christmas Eve, and I figured…because I found something…” I went and grabbed the box I wrapped. He stared at me, and then took the box, almost in shock. Yeah I know, I’m scared too that I’m doing this. I watched him open it, look inside, and then really look at me. Not with disgust, or hatred, but with a look I haven’t seen from him since it all happened. A look that almost resembled one he gave me a long while ago.

“This is Foozles.”

“I found him earlier; Brian gave him to me when I needed company, or a confidant. I may hate what you’ve become, and you may hate me, but I ain’t blind Nick. I thought maybe this could be that for you. Or remind you of…” And that’s where I trailed off, because I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t ask for asshole to remember how he wasn’t so fucked up once. “I dunno, but yeah, I know its lame, an old stuffed bear…”

I could see his face hinting at a smile. “It ain’t lame…didn‘t know you still had this.”

“When I had my stuff sent over, thinking I’d still be at Mel’s, they sent a box of old stuff I had, not knowing I didn’t need it. Discovered Foozles there.”

Then there a silence, but not awkward, almost like we were both just, enjoying the peaceful moment, as if afraid we’d never have another. Which with us, I wouldn’t be shocked at. But then, but then he hugged me. “Thanks Kayden. Means a lot.”

Not the reaction I expected. In fact, I think I’ll just enjoy this one moment. Don’t expect more, don’t over think. Why ruin it? For it won’t last, it never does. Miracles never do.

“Rehab”

I just don't know why I can't find the things you need in me
Baby, they know just know what to say,
They’re trying to break us away from one another
But maybe they’re right for a change
- Chris Brown, “Just Fine”

Chapter Ten: New Year…

Christmas day itself was spent with Mel and her family. And they’re much like her, opinionated, loud, but a solid family. One I got jealous of back in the day, during college. Mel’s the oldest of four, and with two parents who loved each other dearly. They have made me feel like family before, but it’s always an outsider thing. Me and mom, our Christmases were always special, yet lonely in an odd way. Because mom, even with giving me all the gifts she could afford for me, always had those emotional walls from making it as loving as it should be. Yet despite that, the day has always had a magical feel with me. And honestly growing up next to Nick’s family, the epitome of dysfunction. I swear you look it up, it will say “see Carter family”. I always had to make the holiday special for myself. And I did this year, actually seeing Nick have a human moment on Christmas Eve, and then spending the day with Mel’s family, calling my mother to make sure she knew I loved her.

“Hey, Kay, you alive?”

And now it is New Years Eve, a holiday I never liked. But I’m sitting across from Luke, who’s own pretty eyes were staring at me curiously. His raven dyed locks are tied back, looking slightly scruffy. “Yes, just really enjoying coffee coffee.” We’re terrible, still not saying what was going on. Which is me, going on my first date since…asshole. Yeah, date, I just, it felt weird. I had so many issues, so many damn walls, long before asshole fucked up, but that fuck up make them go back up and get thicker. And here was this open, caring fun guy, carefree, wanting to get to know me better. Pregnant and all.

It’s not something I’m exactly used to, to say the least, ya know?

“Yeah, I tend to get hella fucking thoughtful around New Years, sentimental hormone bullshit basically.”

A chuckle. “Kathryn’s doing the same thing. Her boyfriend up and left her, the bastard so I’m making sure she’s taken care of. So I feel ya.”

“I’d think you’d be sick of pregger women then.”

I saw him smile, a very charming, genuine smile. Almost like asshole’s, only it was a real smile. And it got to me in the same way. Damn. Am I ready for this shit? My butt is already over thinking this but I’m fucking gun shy so now I’m freaked. But I know, I look calm on the outside. Media personalities, no matter what field, entertainment, news, sports, etcetera, know how to at least look collected if nothing else.

“Actually I find them cute. You sure you’re aight?”

“Yeah, I just hate new years, the holiday is beyond stupid to me, and full of bullshit.”

“Well it’s a way to start over, forget the past, get into the future, an adventure you can say.” A smirk hinted around the edges of his mouth as his eyes had this mischievous sparkle in them. “Life is an adventure, even with the bullshit, keeps it interesting.”

“Oh is that right.”

“Yep, so, what are doing tonight to ring in the holiday? Cause me, I’m thinking keeping a sexy looking pregnant girl company, to show her the holiday isn’t that bad. Maybe tote her around her old hometown I bet she hasn’t really relaxed in. And that I’ll be picking her up at around eight o’clock later today. But, she’ll think this is all her idea because I’m going to pull a Jedi mind trick on her.”

I can’t help but laugh, amazed at the smoothness but charming way he just asked me out for tonight. Nice touch with the Star Wars even. I guess its either this or spend it with Mel, or run into Asshole and his bitch. Asshole loves New Years, well now he does. It means big parties and alcohol now. Once, he hated it, as badly as I did. But it’s not time to think of asshole anymore. I’m damn sick of it. The confusing crap and tension always there, which I admit has gotten better. But only by fucking force, mainly my efforts cause we are bringing a child into the world who is not going to suffer at our bullshit.

I’m sick of the pain that comes with thinking about it as well. Lord knows there’s enough reminders of my life that I can’t do shit about.

I let myself smile at Luke, who was just smirking, waiting for my response. “You want to lead me around tonight for New Years?”

“Yes I would, and see that’s why I love the beauty of Jedis, their mind tricks kick ass.”

I laugh again. “You’re something else Luke.”

“Normality is overrated.”

Hmm, with my life? Don’t I know it.

******************

I’m standing here with AJ, at a goddamn baby store. I tried shopping before, and ain’t got shit. And since Howie I couldn’t get a hold of and Bri is back in Georgia with Yoko. I called AJ up. I know his ass hates Kayden, fuck I get it now. But I need help cause this kid is gonna be mine too. Not that Jay knows shit about this stuff. Fuck it I didn’t wanna go alone, and last thing Lissy wants is to help with that shit. Brent is working on the new band I’ll be putting on my label. Bean, fuck I ain’t having him come down. And…well fuck Chris.

I can’t believe the way Kayden’s calmed down lately. Is she acting like her old self lately or is it the fucking pregnancy taming her, and I should still be on guard cause the crazy bitch will return as soon as Haven’s born?

“Nick, why the hell did you drag me here?”

“I need to get something for Kayden, for the baby man.”

“You don’t even know if it’s yours.”

“Jay, man…you never liked her, fucking hell, I know it’s mine.”

“And you think you’re ready to handle a damn kid.”

“Fuck no, but what the hell can I do? Ain’t like I can return it.”

“Nick…what the fuck is that?”

“A little carrier so when I carry the baby.”

He tilted down the sunglasses he wore inside the damn store when it’s cloudy outside, and gave me the wanna be Kevin Look. Then he took it from me, bet ya he’s trying to figure the damn thing out. Don’t say anything, but I hope he does cause it means I won’t have to. “It’s fucking cool that you’re stepping up like this man.”

I blinked at Jay going serious on me. I hadn’t expected that shit. If I wanted it, I would have dragged Brian somehow, or called Kevin up as I did this. Kevin, I think he actually knew this would all play out like it ass so far. Crazy ass psychic eyebrow man. I think Lisette is slowly accepting it too. She bitches about it, but she’s still calling. Still dating me. So she must be taking it aight. I just, I can’t read Lis, I can’t read most damn girls actually. I just know the physical reading shit that makes them scream my name. Heh, heh, heh.

The scariest fucking thing? The only damn girl I was able to really get a mental read on was Kayden. Back before she went crazy and became the bitch she is now. What’s worse?

I can still read the damn girl damn well.

“Nick ya there man?”

I turned to AJ, I think he thinks he put me in shock by saying that now. “I’m here, just spacing, thanks. I just, I ain’t gonna be the shitpot parents mine are. I ain’t gonna abandon this kid, it ain’t right.”

“As long as it’s yours.”

It is, despite my wishes otherwise. If I had my way, this shit would be on the head of the man that showed me Kayden’s bitch transformation. The fucking bastard. If I ever ran into him again…

Screw it, baby shopping. Focus.

Baby shopping.

**********

April 2006

“Chris, come on, where are ya taking me? I have a date with Nick tonight. You know that.”

Despite all the fights between the two growing up, Kayden did sometimes enjoy Chris’ company. It had been the three of them as kids, although her and Chris had had almost as many issues as she did with AJ. In the moments they could get along, which were more common than her and AJ, they did have fun. He had seemed in a goofy mood when he showed up at her condo, saying he wanted her help with something. He had come to LA, unexpected, and she knew Nick didn’t know he was in town yet. He’d be thrilled.

However, she never did say back when they were tweens, part of the reason for the conflicts was Chris wanted to take her out sometime. But that was long past, more than ten years, long forgotten. But after that was when they couldn’t get along so well. Old grudges, even friend altering was, can be easily forgotten.

“Chris come on, quit, show me whatcha need and lets hurry. I don’t want Nick thinking I stood him up, you know how his esteem’s been since that Hoeton heir-ass fucked with him.”

They were in Nick’s neighborhood, she realized as the two stepped out of the car. They strolled together, her wondering of where they were going before he paused, turning towards her. His arms gripped hers gently as lips approached her neck. A trail of kisses are laid upon her skin as she moves away. Maybe old past events aren’t forgotten. “Hey stop, I’m with Nick. I thought you were over this.”

“And I thought you were easy. I thought you‘d want it…”

“Ugh! Stop it!”

“Why? He’s cheating on you with that singer who’s opening for him.”

Forcefully she shoved him onto the ground, eyes blazing at the turn of events. “You lie!

“Oh…do I?”

The beginning of the end flittered through my mind as I sat next to Luke in his Mustang GTO. Black and sleek as any car should be. At least he had good taste. Judging by the year, I figured he had bought it and fixed it up himself. You can tell by the little details. Why am I now thinking of Chris, his advances, and all the chaos that followed? Luke’s smooth, gentle hand caressed the top of mine where they rested on my swelling belly. I need to stop thinking about the past. We’re on the verge of a new year, a new present. So, present, which is my cute date, adorable yet sexy at the same time. We were going dancing, even with my pregnant self.

I think I need this, a chance to get away, the chance to escape it all.

Lord knows I need something now.

*********

I decided to take Lisette out after I got some baby things. I’ll give them to Kayden tomorrow. I ain’t sure how we’re going to do this once the kid is actually born. Am I gonna have Kayden living in my actual house? That’d be fucking psycho crazy. I need to stop calling the baby the kid too. She does have a name now. Haven Jean Carter, I’m still tripped that her mommy dearest let the kid have my name, and even a little namesake. I don’t get that girl sometimes, even when I do get her. Will Lisette try to be surrogate mommy to her? All shit I gotta figure out as we get closer to birth day. The stunning sex on legs I call my girlfriend grinned at me, I think she’s happy it’s me and her again. I know Christmas was a disaster of my making, so why not make it up on the biggest party night of the year.

“Where we going Nick?”

I give her my smile. The charming one girls love from me. “It’s a surprise babe.” I ain’t up for a big party though. I know, hella crazy but true. So why not go local, drink, dance, get a private room there maybe up in VIP and get my naughty on…

Hell yeah.

Happy New Year to me!

“Rehab”

I know that baby,
We would disagree constantly on the basic things
You thought that there was someone else,
All along, no way, no way…

…Baby, they know just what to say.
They wanna keep us away from one another
But maybe they're right for a change
I think, God will give you someone,
Much better than me…
- Chris Brown, “Just Fine”

Chapter Eleven: …New Start? Or New Troubles?

“Oh my god…you fucking bitch!”

“Kayden get off her!”

“Nick?!”

“Oh look it’s the slut…”

“What the fuck are you doing?! I could kill her!”

“What the hell are you two doing here?”

“You’ve been cheating on me!”

“Nick you’re fucking paranoid and a damn hypocrite! You’re with that damn slut of a singer!”

“Because I know you’re fucking cheating on me! How’s it feel Kayden?! And I almost thought I loved your psycho ass!”

“On a date with my girl. Just what the fuck are you doing here Kayden?! Stalking again?”

“I’m on a date! God forbid, what did every high roller kick you and your white trash out of all that parties that you’re forced to ‘slum’ it with the common folk on New Years Eve?!”

“Nick, I didn’t cheat…I…I love you okay!”

“You’ve never been able to say that, always fucking ditto, like on that stupid movie. Why the fuck now? Cause you’re caught?!”

“Bitch stop talking to my man like that, you damn whore!”

“Girl you better step off before I knock your ass off!”

“Kayden, calm down, remember your condition!”

“Because I do! I just have issues with the words…you should know that better than anyone!”

“I thought I knew you, obviously I know jack shit!”

“I caught you with that Lisette girl dammit! How dare you say all this shit about me that is a LIE when I SAW you with her today?!”

“Yeah bitch remember I can give you the miscarriage you’ll never forget!”

“Lis! Don’t.”

“You’re taking her side!?”

“I’m not going to have you threaten my baby Lissy! Listen to yourself! And Kayden…”

“Wait, Nick Carter is the father of your baby?!”

“Yeah…”

“I can’t believe you believe her!”

“She has the evidence of it Kay! How the fuck can you fight that! How the fuck can you do this to me dammit!”

“You did it to me too! Dammit Nick I SAVED myself and gave it to you!”

“And then to any other guy you could.”

I saw the man she called her date glare at me, and I was waiting for it. For him to try and hit me, fuck it, I’ll kick his ass. His ponytail gothic wanna-be, pansy ass. The way she held to him, the protective stance he took. Where the fuck did he come from anyway? Why would he wanna be with a whore who got her ass knocked up and is therefore damn useless is beyond me. She looked comfortable with him, her arm around him, glaring at me much like the night everything went to fucking hell and never came back. I remember that night so damn vividly. Half my shit got thrown at me that night, by her. Even though she was the fucking one who cheated first. That hurt, hurt beyond anything cause of all people I never expected it from Kay. But the evidence was there, so I did it back, to show her just how much it hurt. Lissy was just a friend before that but she was hot and she looked out for me, so I chose her. Back to the damn present. My arm slid around Lisette. I don’t like her threatening the baby like that, we’re gonna be talking that shit out later.

“Why the fuck did I even let myself try dating your fucked up self!? You’re just a boy trying to be a man, that’s all you ever were! I fucking hate you! Everything you’ve become now!”

“You hate me? Well glad the shit is mutual! Says the one who almost had me thinking I loved her! All you are is a fucking whore! Worse than my mother could ever dream of being!”

“What Nick? Don’t like what you see or something? Or ain’t cha ever seen a normal pair go on a date to have fun before? The way you’re looking at us it must be a new concept for ya. What’s the matter Niiiicky, you forget about normal dates we had once you started it up with the beast you got on your arm now? Must be rough, dating blood suckers like that…”

I tugged Lis back, feeling her about to lunge. No matter how much I hate that bitch, I ain’t letting my girl harm that baby. “Hey bro, why the hell you trying to get your nuts off with that one? She’s outta commission anyway and slutting it up is all the bitch is good for.”

“Says the Backstreet Boy, it’s a miracle someone like you can get a girl pregnant. It’s aight man, your loss, my gain.”

“Luke it’s all good, asshole needs reassurance because he’s got that piece of shit covered trash on his arm.”

It’s funny how I used to love Kayden, and now I can’t stand her.

*********

How could I have thought Nick was almost human again? Fuck him, I’ll hit where it hurts, the gay rumors that haunt him so much. Even if they were always far from true.

“Besides Nick, you have your transvestite now!” And then she lunged, infuriated. Only to be held back by Luke’s strong arms as the dance music beat heavily through the small dance club. That was when security approached, glaring at the four of us. Guess I got too loud in my murder attempt. Oh well.

“Don’t you call me a fucking whore you self absorbed poor excuse for a pop star!”

“At least I MADE it in my career? Where are you?! Nowhere, whores never go anywhere but on another man’s cock!”

“Kayden get fucking control before I make you!”

“You ain’t gonna touch her man.”

“Hey, hey, what the hell is going on here?”

Lisette pointed at the other pair, batting her brown eyes seductively. Damn whore. “I’m sorry sir, these two have been harassing me and my boyfriend all because he’s famous and wanted some down time…”

And of course despite all protests, the pop stars won. Isn’t that how it works? So we were back in Luke’s car, both of us silent, unsure of what to say. Damn that asshole!

********

I watched them both go, satisfied beyond all hell. Serves the bastards right. I have to admit, that guy of hers is lower than her old standards, so that shit surprised me. I turned to Lis, who was now almost giddy. That didn’t feel right to me. Like she ain’t got that right to be happy over it like I am.

“Lis, you ain’t gonna EVER threaten the well being of the baby again.” I’m putting a stop to that shit right now. I wasn’t going to say it in front of that Luke or Kayden, cause I didn’t want them to win. But now? I could care less who the fuck hears us.

“But Nick, it WOULD be so much easier if that damn baby was gone! She’d be out of our lives forever this time!”

I grabbed her by the arm, trying to get it in that damn pretty head of hers how serious this shit was. “I don’t care; losing the baby would fuck with my head too. And even Kayden don’t deserve that shit. If you care about me, if you want to be my girl, you are going to accept this baby-”

“-How can I accept it knowing it’s hers?!”

“You’ll accept the baby, treat it like your own, and we’re civil to Kayden around the baby. It ain’t the kid’s fault all this shit happened.”

“Nick-”

“That’s the end of it Lis!”

“Fuck you then! You put me through all this shit, your ex comes back even after what she did to you, pregnant with YOUR kid, you don’t tell me till Christmas Eve. Kayden LIVES on your damn property now too! And you want me to handle all this for you? YOU!?”

I let her rant, before pulling her close. “I know everything’s been fucked. I should have told you earlier, but I couldn’t deal either. I just can’t have you hurt my baby Lissy. I want to be better than my parents were, do you understand that?”

I can feel her calm down, her head resting upon my chest, letting it all sink in. “Yeah Nick, I understand. It’s just hard to swallow.”

“I know, and I’ll make it up to you, somehow. I know life’s sucked ass lately.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.” This is the last time I don’t do something big for New Years, this one blows.

*********

“Obviously my words mean shit then?”

“About as much as any other slut’s…”

It was then her fist slammed into his nose, hard. She smirked as she felt it break. He stared at her now furious, and fallen now ex-boyfriend. He stared up at her, not even recognizing the woman he once loved anymore. She had betrayed him; she had done the one thing he thought she’d never do. And so, going back to his old nature, he made sure she knew he did it back. He wanted to make her hurt, hurt like he did when he saw the photos…the photos of her and Chris together, shown by Lisette, who had become his friend since she got the gig as their opening act…

I remember the end, the pain and the heartbreak that consumed me at that time. Hurt and loss that lingers even still, now and then. It was at the unfairness of it all, the fact the end started because of a boldface cruel lie beyond my control. I never once strayed, cheated or even thought about it. Despite my lack of ability to say it, I loved him. Yet, it never could come out till that night, that night when I saw it all falling away and was desperate. I knew I loved him, but then it had hit me how deeply I did, so I said it. Now, I forget why I had. Because now I see how he’s become the asshole he did.

Chris had tried, and failed at getting me to cheat. Even now I wonder if he had the whole thing planned with the dirty slut now on Nick’s arm. See, that night he had made the move, not too far from Nick’s place, Lisette had gotten pictures somehow. She took them herself, bought off a random paparazzi, who knows. But she got them. She showed them behind my back to Nick, who was still pretty fucked up from the late Paris Hilton. So, he believed her, cheated on me with her as payback for a crime I never committed.

Who knew he’d still be dating the tramp now?

That fight in the small club, one I never expected him to be in, reminded me so much of what I was pondering now. The night that all of it ended. Who knew I was already about two weeks pregnant. But tonight, hit me like that had. The rage in Nick’s eyes, the smirky confidence of Lisette that made me want to strangle her. Why was Nick so mad? Did I remind him of that night as well? Did Lisette tell him some new bullshit lie against me because we were finally able to be civil to each other? I don’t know.

And I could care less. Yes Nick screwed up our night royally, but it was only eleven…something. We could find another place to go, to ring in the New Year right. 2007 would be interesting. I had a baby on the way; I was living in Nick’s guest house, unsure of how it’d all work once Haven was born. I also had a sweet and sexy guy interested in me despite me being pregger and as big as a house. I guess life could get worse. I glanced over at Luke again; he had such pretty changing eyes. I think that’s what sucked me in. That and the smile, the genuine, not forced, charming smile.

“What’s the matter Kay?” Nothing, except the fact I can’t make the past fade.

“Kaydee, you know you can always tell me anything.”

“Yeah Nick, I know…”

“Nothing, just, content.” Not a lie, I was, even with the memories never leaving me alone.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Why can’t we ever try it?”

“I don’t want to hate you one day Nick…”

“Even after getting kicked out of the club.”

“Yeah actually.”

“I fucking hate you! Everything you’ve become now!”

“You hate me? Well glad the shit is mutual!”

“It was an adventure.”

I laughed, turning on the radio. “An adventure huh.”

He grinned as he made a turn and sped up a bit as he drove. “Oh yeah…” He rubbed the slight scruff he had along his chin. It added a sense of maturity to what would otherwise be a pretty and youthful looking baby face that looked far younger than his twenty seven years. “You gotta have an adventure, I told ya, that’s all life is. Adventures are what keep it interesting. I love the unexpected.”

“So you’re not mad Nick wa1s being his asshole self and the whole mess got us booted.”

“I can see why you’re not with the prick anymore. I just didn’t expect the father to be a Backstreet Boy, especially Nick Carter. He lost you, which he missed out, and now it’s my gain. And I take it that’s the girl after you he was with.”

I bit my lip, hating again how much that bothered me. The whore got exactly what she wanted, stole it from me. I may not want it anymore, but it still irritated the hell out of me. Damn slut. I nodded. “Yeah she is, and well that’s a long story. I mean I work in the media but that‘s now how we know each other and-”

I saw him blink. “You do? I thought you looked familiar somehow when I bumped into you…”

“Yeah I cover sports events for ESPN; I’m just stuck on maternity leave right now. And…for knowing Nick, well, I just…”

“That’s right. Damn, I gotta watch sports more. As for that prick, you don’t have to talk about it.”

How understanding is that? The car pulled to a stop at a hillside, overlooking the beach where below you could spot the bonfires and fireworks being set off in celebration below. I looked at the clock in the car, 11:59 PM. Damn, we’ve been talking and driving along that long? It was amazing how at ease I felt right now with him. I’m starting to think meeting Luke Sigler is the best thing that could have happened so far. But my thoughts were interrupted as the top to the car went down… (Did I mention it was a convertible? If not, my bad cause I love them), and he pulled me closer to him after I unbuckled the safety belt. No other thoughts entered as I let myself get pulled in, wrapped within his gentle embrace, and welcomed by the sweet taste of his lips meeting mine.

Bliss. For a single moment, there was bliss.

Happy New Year Kayden Jamison. Happy New Year.

“Rehab”

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know…

Chapter Twelve: Peace With Past

Week Thirty Seven, holy shit. I got less than a month and then Kayden’s popping out the kid. Fuck. Three weeks after New Year’s. We ain’t talked since either, till today.

“Nick I need you to take me to the doctor’s for my appointment.”

That’s it. Fuck you’d think I was her slave or something. Though, don’t say shit, but her breasts got fucking huge. I know its Kayden, and I can’t stand her ninety-nine percent of the time. But damn they’ve gotten huge over the past week and a half. I keep staring when I know her ass ain’t looking. And it ain’t fake. Damn. Now we’re on the way back, after the doctor telling us everything is okay, the baby looks healthy. And asked some shit about inducing labor or being natural. That was when Kayden fucking paled. And I do mean paled, and then finally said natural. I ain’t seen her like that ever. Was she getting freaked or something? Nah, its Kayden, uber-strong psycho bitch carrying my baby. So I drive, cause she looks fine now.

“Fuck my stomach itches like fucking crazy.”

I glanced at her. Does this mean we’re having a conversation now? I never know with her. “How’s the Lamaze classes.”

“Be better if Haven’s father could be bothered to show up.”

“You have that asshole you’re dating.”

“His name’s Luke. And he’s helping his sister, who’s preggy too.”

“I’ll go to the next one aight.”

“Thank you.”

“You hate my ass, why the fuck do you want me in the delivery room Kayden.”

She looked at me, and she actually looked serious. “Cause again, you are the father. I thought you’d want it. And believe it or not, I’d rather not be pushing the kid out alone. I am fucking human.”

Whoa. Aight then. “Okay.”

“Do you really hate me that bad?”

Aight what the fuck. Maybe it’s hormones. The woman is pregnant. Cause that shit came out of nowhere. How the hell do I answer this shit without her crying, getting really pissed off, or ended up hit again? It made me feel bad, maybe its old habits too. Fuck, I don’t know.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I sigh. Shit. “I don’t know Kay; look all the shit that happened last year.”

“You weren’t exactly innocent in any of that.” I watched her rub her stomach again, almost like she thinks the baby can hear this and get antsy, so she’s soothing her.

“I was mad.”

“I…I never cheated on you ya know.”

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there

That was when I felt the blood rush to my head again. That night, even now, makes me so damn mad. She fucked me over bad. I had loved her, and never thought she’d do that to me. She helped with the Paris bullshit, and then she cheated on me with one of my best friends. Fuck that. I never talked to the bastard since ya know. Chris can go to hell for all I care. “There’s pictures Kayden, do we got to fucking rehash all this bullshit again?!”

But I'm waiting,
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

“They don’t show me pushing him away, but if you look, you can see I’m pissed off in those pictures Nick. If you really, really look.”

“Why the fuck does this matter now?”

At that she turned away, getting quiet. I ain’t sure whether to be happy or mad or indifferent about that one. Women, especially Kayden, are so fucking confusing.

*************


Everyday…
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way…

I don’t know why I had to bring it up now. Okay that’s a lie, I do know why. Because we have a baby only weeks away from making her arrival into the world. And I’ve been determined to give her an emotionally stable home life. That ain’t gonna be happening if me and asshole keep arguing the way we have been. Nick, not asshole. I can’t call him that once Haven is born.

“Because we’re having a baby, I want all this somewhat settled before she’s born. I just, I don’t want this over her head.”

I blame the pregnancy for everything else. I feel weepy and it pisses me the hell off.

“So you want me to forgive all that fucked up shit-”

“This is the last time I’m saying this Nicky.” There was a time where I was the only one allowed to call him Nicky. “I never slept around on you. Check the photos; ask Lisette just how she happened to get the pictures so conveniently. Or, you can keep believing a lie. I don’t want to focus on all that stupid past shit anymore. We need to be civil for Haven; even babies can sense unhappy homes.”

“…Aight I think I can do civil.”

“There was a time where we were friends once.” I shook my head, that was the past. I wanted the future now.

“Aight Kay, in name of being civil, you don’t have the room to be raising the baby in the guest house.”

I nodded, playing with my hair, which was starting to grow longer again. Time to cut it. Maybe this can work. Oh hell, it’s me and Nick fucking Carter, who the hell am I kidding?

Eh, worth a shot though.

*********

“Yeah?” she asked, playing with that golden hair of hers. Hair I loved long on her. I have a hair fetish, what can I say. When we broke up, she chopped it all off. Kevin told me she said she did it to “start over”. No, she did it to piss me the fuck off. But why is she still so stubborn about the cheating shit? She could just admit it now. It wouldn’t affect anything anymore. But she still keeps saying it never happened. To look at the pictures. Fuck, now I’m curious so I might later if I don’t forget. “I’m going to start looking for a condo after the baby is born.”

“You’re staying in Florida?”

“I…I don’t know yet.”

“Then why not just move into the main house, I know you can’t stand my ass but the house is fucking huge so you can avoid me-”

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

That was when she turned to me, almost looking hut, but not, and almost serious. It was a weird look aight? I didn’t know how to read it. “To be honest Nick, it’s not you I can’t stand; it’s the person you become when you’re around certain people. Alone, you’re almost the kid I remember growing up with.” I pulled up to Mel’s house then, which was where she said she wanted to go, and she got out quickly without another word.

Leave it to Kayden to make sure she confuses the shit out of me again.

Late May 2006

“Nick…” Nick watched Lisette step out of the vocal booth shyly. She seemed so nervous even after several months around them. He wondered if she’d ever get used to the fact she was a rising pop artist touring with the Backstreet boys as she recorded some vocals for the finishing touches on her album.

“That was great Lis.”

The two had bonded, being the closest in age. Admittedly in the past, he would have made a move on her by now. At first, he caught the glances she gave him, the subtle flirting, an eagerness to be around him the most. She was easy on the eyes as any rising star would be. Her soft brown eyes despite her typical exciting rush music usually gave her were shadowed, saddened.

“Something wrong?”

In her hand she produced a slim envelope from her pocket and Nick raised a brow. Okay then. Just listen and see what it is before wondering what the hell. Her perfectly manicured hand pulled out what he assumed to be pictures. She took a deep breath, sighing and handing them over, turned away from his gaze so he couldn’t spy what they beheld just yet.

“What are these?”

“I…it’s your girlfriend Kayden. I almost didn’t give them to you…but I just didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe you’d want to know. You are my…friend and all…”

At first glance he immediately felt his heart shatter into oblivion. Kayden, in semi-compromising positions with his own best friend. Every photo was of this, a play by play of betrayal and the slow stabbing of a knife into his very back by the two he trusted most. He put them in his pocket, playing the casual act. Never show anyone how bad you’re hurt. That was the first lesson of show business and he had learned it well. He gave the confident, cocky smirk he was so known for. Two could play this game, Lisette was a friend, and she was desirable…

“It’s aight, I was ready to toss her aside anyway babe. Move on to better things.”

She caught Nick’s meaning immediately, cause a smirk appeared on her own innocent appearing face. “Better things…”

With that he scooped her up after shutting off the master controls, sneaking into the booth. They had it reserved for another hour, and boy was he going to use it…

Those damn pictures are still in my place somewhere.

Dammit Kayden, I don’t know what to think anymore. Fuck.

********

…Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

I stood outside Mel’s place, waiting for her to arrive. Sometimes that girl waits forever. Me, her, Luke, and a friend of his were all supposed to do something later tonight and I was going to have girl time for awhile before we did. Something mellow obviously since my stomach was bothering me a bit. Not severe pains, just itching, leaky boobs (hence why I’m wearing black today), and lots of active kicking and shifting from Haven. I need to just give up on Nick. Fuck him. He couldn’t believe me then, he ain’t going to now. I bet he was just annoyed as fuck about my emotional word vomit bullshit. I couldn’t stop going on about the past. Bleh.

I heard my phone ring a familiar tone and answered it with a smile. “Kevvy!”

“Hey Kay, you haven’t killed Nick yet have you?”

“Tempted, but fuck no, too much damn effort for a preggy bitch.”

“You’re getting close.”

“Ready to damn pop, but yeah.”

“Hang in there.”

“I am, but Nick confuses the shit out of me.”

“He does out of everyone.”

“No sometimes he’s human sometimes he ain’t. I’m at his place now ya know.”

“Good, glad I’ll be seeing a miracle.”

“Oh?”

“I’ll be in town soon for my new label, I have a musician who’s talented living in Orlando and I plan on launching him.” I love southern accents, whether it’s on Brian, Luke, or Kevvy-kins. Even without the southern slang, it’s so obviously there.

“Yay!”

“Try and make things work out with Nick, for the baby. You used to be friends once.”

Don’t I know this? I saw Mel’s car pull up. “I’ll talk to ya later Kevvykins, Mel just pulled up. She and I are having girl time before the double date tonight.”

“Date?” He sounded surprised. Ooh shit. I never told him.

“Yeah I met this guy, all cute and southern like, we’ve been casually dating about a month and a half-ish. Yes he knows about the baby sitch, but he just found out it was Nick’s on New Year’s.”

“Be careful.”

“Always. Laters!”

I hung up and grinned at Mel as we headed inside. It’s good to feel wanted. That’s when you forget what’s scaring the ever loving shit out of you. And the things that eat away at you, no matter how many times you claim you’re “putting away past bullshit”, because we all know you can’t. But you can forget at times.

Which is good, because otherwise I’d have no sanity left.

I just wish Nick would believe me so we can at least be friends. Asshole. I wish I could forget what’ll happen in just weeks. And I hope it all works out with Luke, because I need it.

But that stuff is made of frilly material that poofs away instantly, leaving you alone once more.

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

***********

I was looking at the pictures, sitting in the living room of my house. I guess I can recognize the rage in Kay’s eyes. Fuck knows I’ve seen that shit enough times. I don’t know if it looks forced or not, but Kay does look mad. Mad or in heat, I ain’t sure which. Fuck! Kay’s putting ideas in my head and I’ve got Lissy upstairs.

Aight I can’t believe I’m doing this…

“Lis!”

“Yeah Nick?”

“Can ya come down babe? I gotta ask you something.”

This way I can just ask, know (either by her or body language) and get on with my damn life. Oh, and be a father of course.

Just…don’t tell Kayden I may have listened. Cause she may be the whore I called her anyway. This shit may still be her fucking fault.

I just gotta check one more damn time. So I can get the past behind and move my big ass on.

Ya know?

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame


*All lyrics by Maroon 5, “Nothing Lasts Forever”

“Rehab”

Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later…
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong, we‘re headstrong…
- “Headstrong” by Trapt

Chapter Thirteen: Seek and You Shall Find

“You okay Nick?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“We just gotta talk.”

“Lis, where did you get the photos.”

Her hands rested on those slim hips of hers, her doe eyes watching me cautiously. Her hands fluttered nervously with the tail ends of the wife beater she must have swiped from my closet. Not that I wear them much. Well I’m startin’ too after dropping that fucking weight but whatever. Moving my ass on.

“Why does it matter now? It was like eight months ago. She still did what she did.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Babe, why not just tell me? I’m curious and wondering.”

“The whore said something didn’t she?! The fucking slut who cheated you and now shows up with a baby she only CLAIMS is yours Nick, said something to get you doubting me.”

“The baby is mine!” I blinked. Whoa where the fuck did that come from. Never mind that shit now.

I saw her own eyes fill with rage, similar to the look of the woman in question in the photos. Her face contorted with fury. “Why do you even want it Nick? I remember when you hated this bitch! All she’s doing is manipulating you! We were happy till she came along again!”

Were we? I guess, but it ain’t like happy happy. I don’t get that often. It was a more…aight this routine ain’t fucking up my life as bad type of way. But I guess that’s aight as long as the girl is gorgeous as hell, ain’t annoying or backstabbing, and there’s good sex involved. Like I said, love doesn’t exist and only saps believe in that shit. But what if Lisette’s been stabbing my stupid ass in the back all this time. How the fuck do I know? How do I know Kayden ain’t being a crazy lying manipulative bitch like before? Or fucking hell, do I even know she was being that before or was it Lis.

Dammit now my head hurts.

“I want the baby because she’s mine aight! I ain’t gonna be the fuckups my parents are!”

She sneered. “How do you know you won’t? Face it Nick, you could never be a father. You’re too much like your own, a selfish bastard. Which I know and I like it just fine. But you? You’re in damn denial about it. You can’t be a father to that kid your whore is gonna pop out. She’ll know it, leave and you’ll never see the kid again anyway.” She twirled a long dark strand of her around her finger, taunting me. “I’m just trying to save you some trouble Nicky boy. Just like I did then.”

I stared at her. Not sure whether to fucking explode at what she said or actually process the bullshit. “Just like you did what then?”

“Well now that I got what I need, and can’t get much else from the crap you call music, I may as well say it. I got someone on the horizon anyway. More of a man than you can ever be.”

“You fucking slut! Get your ass out of my house Lisette before I toss you out!” I raged. Fuck I ain’t original when I’m pissed aight? Best I had at the moment.

“Shh, Nick, you want to hear this. See Kayden was in my way. I had the perfect way to make it past the trap that caught all your other opening acts. One hit wonders and nothing more. Like that Kaci girl. She dated the wrong one. AJ’s a bum. You, you always have attention. But Kayden was in my way to that, so I found out your old buddy Chris wanted to tap that. He and I talked, he gets her, I get you. I didn’t plan on the trash saying no. All your other girls were whores; I thought she’d be one too. But, I got pictures, as a backup plan. You never check, you just believe and go after the next piece of ass. I learned that quick. And look where it got me, a #1 album, I’m known for my talent after dating you got me attention. Chris wanted fame as well, not remembering you‘d hate him forever, so I would have to play it too. So I get what I want, he got nothing, like I like it. Oh well.”

I’d fucking had enough. Used. That’s all I ever fucking am! Ever since I was nine years old! Talent shows, contests, auditions, all to support a fucking family whose parents couldn’t do the job! Give us your checks Nick, you’re responsible for this family, remember that! I don’t care if you’re twenty Nick; your siblings still need you! Oh Aaron’s famous now; we don’t give a shit about you now. Oh Nick I love you. You’re an amazing boyfriend till you stop spending money on me. Till you get me famous. Till I use you for an abuse publicity fucking stunt! Always fucking being used! I’m always a fucking tool to someone! I’ve had it!

“GET OUT. Get out before I toss your ass out myself.”

“Oh I will, but I wouldn’t think this is it. You don’t leave me. I leave you. And if you thought Paris Hilton was bad while she was still alive, just you wait.”

“GET. THE-HELL. OUT!”

She knew I was serious cause I’d never seen her run out the door so fast in any time we met. Fucking son of a bitch. I slammed the door behind her. The wall shook with the force behind it, and I heard a vase fall to the floor. I don’t give a damn.

I remember the damn day we fucking just went at it. So clearly it hurt.

Late May 2006

He was wrapped in Lisette’s body, silky skin beneath his lips as his tongue slipped along her neck. His body was pressed against hers, clothes scattered around them. A thought of Kayden flittered through his head but he pushed it aside forcefully. What goes around comes around. She had it coming for what she did to him.

That was when she came into the door; he could hear her voice calling for him from the doorway. “Niiiiick. Nick! Hey I got news, ESPN has a new show being discussed, it won’t be tested out till next year but I might have a shot at it! Hee! Niiiiick-”

Stepping into the room, she gazed upon them in shock. The hurt, the betrayal, a broken heart shattering. He saw it all within her azure eyes before the anger quickly took over. As was typical of her. He stood, baring it all and not giving a damn. Guilt tried to come in but he refused. Let her feel the pain he had. What he didn’t expect was for her to lunge. She landed atop the other woman, fists a flying as Lis let out a surprised yelp. She was a singer not a fighter.

“Oh my god…you fucking bitch!”

“Kayden get off her!” He wrapped his arms around her, trying to pull her off. But she wouldn’t let go of her hair. Lisette screamed as he got Kayden free, clumps of hair in her hands.”

“What the fuck are you doing!? I could kill her!”

“You’ve fucking lost it!”

“You both deserve this! You fucking bastard! You’re lucky I didn’t scalp the whore!”

“You’ve been cheating on me!”

“Nick you’re fucking paranoid and a damn hypocrite! You’re with that damn slut of a singer!”

“Because I know you’re fucking cheating on me! How’s it feel Kayden?! And I almost thought I loved your psycho ass!”

She stared at him in shock then. “Nick, what are you talking about?”

He grabbed the photos from the coffee table, tossing them at her. “That, I caught you, you fucking wench.”

“Nick, I didn’t cheat…” Her eyes met his, pleading. “I…I love you okay!”

“You’ve never been able to say that, always fucking ditto, like on that stupid movie. Why the fuck now? Cause you’re caught?!”

“Because I do! I just have issues with the words…you should know that better than anyone!” And he had, but that thought didn’t even enter in then. All he had known was she was caught with another, another that wasn’t him. So he wanted her to feel what he did. To know how it felt to be a trusting fool. He’d never make that mistake again, that much he knew.

“I thought I knew you, obviously I know jack shit!”

“I caught you with that Lisette girl dammit! How dare you say all this shit about me that is a LIE when I SAW you with her today?

“I can’t believe you believe her!” Lisette had long gone upstairs to fix the damage, compose herself and whatever else he’d figure a chick would do in that situation. He had just barely seen her come to the top of the stairway above them afterwards, watching the damage she had caused.

Even after she had broken my nose, I had felt myself the winner cause I knew I had still managed to hurt her more. And all fucking long she had been right and I kept sleeping with the real backstabbing whore. Kayden slowly turned into what she is now, and now we’re thrown back fucking together. A puzzle that don’t fit anymore. And now we got a new piece coming, a baby in the mix. Fuck maybe that bitch is right. What if I can’t fucking be a father? That’s why I never wanted kids. I knew I could fuck them up as bad as I’d been. And now I ain’t got a choice.

My life was royally fucked beyond belief. I’d been used. A-fucking-gain.

And the worst damn part?

It was my damn fault.

All of it.

*************

I wonder if Nick talked to Lisette the other day after we talked. No matter. I’m in my little guest house. (No I have not moved in yet. That is still undecided.) I’m in my little home, on a lay-z-boy, with Luke at the other end being a God right now. Yes, ooooooh god it felt so good. He was a God, I’m serious.

The man is rubbing my feet like no tomorrow. My very disgustingly swollen feet. All for me. That’s a man there for you. I grinned at him. “You. Are. Amazing.”

He smirked at me, in his own trademark way. I think I have a thing for the smirky once. I blame it on the confidence thing. As long as it doesn’t turn into an ego, I’m okay with it too. “Yeah, I try.”

“I’m serious. This is so what I needed right now.”

“Good, if you’re my gal, I gotta make ya happy.”

I chuckled. “Your gal huh?”

“You know what they say.”

“Take the boy outta the honky tonk, can’t take the honky tonk out of the boy. Don’t I know it.”

He leaned over, letting us be caught within the simple intimacy a kiss controlled by passion can have. It’s the simple things in life that do it sometimes. Let me tell ya. “You love it.”

He rubbed my feet some more. Dear god that felt so good. “Oh hell yeah.” This was almost as good as sex, I swear to god. Luke is a miracle worker with his hands. Ooh nice thought. But yes, the man never ceases to surprise or amaze me.

I really love southern gentlemen. Best creation EVER.

**********

Kevin and I were walking along the beach beyond my house. Turns out he told Kayden he’d be in town. Thought she’d tell me. Fat chance, we ain’t talked till the day I told Lis to get her ass out. Even though he ain’t in the group anymore, the man is like the father mine never even tried to be. You see how fucked up my siblings are? I know you watched my show. It’s because they didn’t have a Kevin like I did. I tried to be that. Fuck I still try. But I ain’t. I can’t be, if I can’t even get my siblings straight, how the hell can I raise a kid. I’m fucked. Royally. I felt like driving my Cadillac off a fucking cliff right then.

“You alright ‘lil man?”

“I’m taller than everyone else. How are you still calling me ‘lil man?”

He laughed. “Cause I’ll never forget the shrimp you were when we started. All of us towered over you, even Kayden and Samantha.” Oh, Sam Stonebraker! I remember her; she was one of the cool girls Brian dated. Till he saw Leighanne while they were having issues. Left Sam for her, big fucking mistake I think.

“Heh, I wish I was still that kid.”

“Things were simpler back then huh?”

I nodded. “Even with Lard Ass stealing shit from us. Not like I ever saw much of my money till I hit eighteen anyway, him stealing or not.”

He put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from walking, and he had the Kevin look. You know the one. The I know something serious is wrong so tell me now before I interrogate the fellas look. It’s this like fatherly look mixed with the Dirty Brow, with the flavor of the pissed off look. If you know Kevin, then I make so much sense it’s scary.

“I got used, again. I’m fucking done Kev, I can’t trust anyone. It blows. And I should just leave before the baby’s born, cause I ain’t gonna be a good dad. Look who I had raising me. I should let you play daddy to her, maybe then Haven will have a chance at not being a mess.” I watched the ocean, even that couldn’t calm me now.

His voice was soothing, comforting, and lecturing. All Kevin styled. “So she did decide on Haven, huh? Everyone gets scared of being a parent Nick. I was terrified before Mason was born. And you know what not to be. I’m sorry Lis used you, maybe you need a break from women for awhile.”

I shook my head. “You and…Kayden had been right. I fucked her up, myself up, this situation up. I did this. And you think I can be a dad? You’re fucking insane Kev. And not just cause you’re country this time.”

And there’s that Dirty Brow. “You want to hear something funny?”

I raised a brow at him. “Sure. I need it. That or a fucking drink.”

“People told me that when I said I’d straighten your big head out back in the day. And look how you turned out.”

Leave it to Kevin to twist my bullshit into something that makes sense. But I can’t do this. So, what the hell do I do?

I will protect you from all around you
I will be here don’t you cry…
For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm,
This bond between us, can't be broken
So I’m gonna be here, don’t you cry
You'll be in my heart,
You'll be in my heart,
From this day on, now and forever more…
-Usher, “You’ll Be In My Heart”

Chapter Fourteen: Baby, It’s You

Valentine’s Day. Evil holiday. With someone or not, the whole damn day is stupid. It is. Created for hallmark to make money by convincing people that they need to show their love one day a year rather than all year long. I’m in the other master bedroom of the main house. On a wing opposite of where Nick is. He had a point. Though I don’t think he realizes I ain’t staying in Florida forever. Just until I know I can handle moving back to LA and that Haven can too. So I’m thinking when she’s a year old. I miss California. Less bullshit drama. But here’s the problem. I really like Luke. So if I move, that means lots and lots of distance. Should I just buy my own place and stay out here?

*****

All we found was this story she wrote when we found the body. She didn’t know, didn’t understand none of it was real. Had she known, perhaps she could have been a writer? Now we will never know. My daughter fully believed she was pregnant with a Backstreet Boy’s child. One she’s been obsessed with since she was twelve years old. She’s been in the mental institution since she was fifteen years old. She murdered another to try to get to Nick. I only wish we could have saved her…

Perhaps now she's found peace, and the love she was so convinced was real with a man she never met.

Rest in peace Kayden.

“Rehab”

These people are
Freaking me out, these days
It’s getting hectic everywhere that I go
They won’t leave me alone
There’s things they all wanna know
I'm paranoid of all the people I meet
Why are they talking to me?
And why can’t anyone see
I just wanna live
Don’t really care about the things that they say
Don’t really care about what happens to me
I just wanna live…
- Good Charlotte, “I Just Wanna Live”

Chapter Fourteen: Baby, It’s You

Valentine’s Day. Evil holiday. With someone or not, the whole damn day is stupid. It is. Created for hallmark to make money by convincing people that they need to show their love one day a year rather than all year long. I’m in the other master bedroom of the main house. On a wing opposite of where Nick is. He had a point. Though I don’t think he realizes I ain’t staying in Florida forever. Just until I know I can handle moving back to LA and that Haven can too. So I’m thinking when she’s a year old. Or maybe less, like seven months. I miss California. Less bullshit drama. But here’s the problem. I really like Luke. So if I move, that means lots and lots of distance. Should I just buy my own place and stay out here? I’ve been putting it off, again and again. I know once I do, that it’ll confirm that I will be back in Florida for good. That’s why I agreed to Nick’s idea. Because I know I can’t live with Asshole forever. I’d fucking shoot myself after awhile.

It’s just this, staying with him will constantly remind me of going back to California. And yeah I don’t know if I’ll even be with Luke that long. But I have a hunch, I feel like I can be open with him. I hate being so guarded like I am. That was my fuck-up with asshole. I couldn’t say how I felt. Product of my upbringing I guess. My mother could never tell me and I can’t say how I feel either. Distance is safe. Even with Nick, whom I’d known forever when we dated. But Luke, I feel close, that I can slowly let down walls as time goes by.

Here it is in a nutshell. Cause I keep on rambling on and not getting to the down and dirty shit. The truth. Between Luke, the fact the evil psychotic whore is now out of Nick’s life -thanks to the bitch with common sense thank you very much- and I’m due any day now, life is, we’ll say interesting. Though I think a small speck of me hoped Nick would morph back into who he used to be before Lisette and all that bullshit. He didn’t. He’s still asshole. Aight, anyway, I’ll give it to you straight.

I don’t have a damn clue what I really want.

Not something a girl should be thinking when she’s ready to pop right. And I do mean ready to fucking pop. I swear to god. I’m going to lose it soon. I can feel it. And I’m stuck having to deal with another Valentine’s Day. I never liked it, whether I had someone or not.

So, unless Luke has something planned, I’m watching horror movies all day.

Yes I’m sadistic. Sometimes it’s good to be me.

********

I fucking hate this day. Aight usually I don’t but like I need a day all about love and all the bullshit it includes? Especially right now when my now ex showed me how much she fucking used me till I was drained dry. Plus after fucking up a relationship that might have actually fucking worked and twisted it so now it changed that girl into someone I can’t stand? I don’t need it. So I been working on this room near Kayden’s for the past couple weeks. Turning this shit into a nursery.

Holy shit, Carter cares about this kid. Mind blow job ain’t it?

I’ve bee painting the walls into this design of princesses. I haven’t done anything with art in a long ass time. Not since those Backstreet project comic books I did seven fucking years ago. Always about the music. Never show you can do anything other than music Nick. They like you dumb. The blonde who’s a bit of a space case, but who’s pretty and goofy so that shit won’t matter. AJ’s supposed to have the mini fridge with him when he brings it over. So it can store the bottles and formula shit that has to stay cold. I got the changing table in here, and the crib. They got covers over ‘em since I’m painting the walls and I don’t want Kayden to see it.

She went somewhere, don’t know where. Not the typical, she fucking hates today. One year…aight this is funny. Last year, when we were still dating, I went and set up a murder scene for her, and the body was this giant cupid doll I found. So I covered it in fake blood, put the murder weapon next to it. I never saw her enjoy it more. She busted up laughing.

I felt my sidekick vibrate so I flipped it open. I don’t feel like memory bullshit. And it’s probably the same damn person who’s been calling all day. Fucking thing has been ringing off the hook. So this time I didn’t even bother to check who it was before answering. That was my fuckup.

“Nickolas Gene Carter! When were you going to tell me?!”

Fucking hell. Now I get to deal with my mother.

This day needs to just die.

*************

“Mom, mom, relax, I would have told you.”

“When, after the baby was born?”

I rolled my eyes as I pushed the cart around the store. Magazines were before my eyes. I can’t believe this shit. In Touch, OK! Magazine, Star, Teen People, US Magazine, People, and more all had similar articles with headlines I wanted to tear apart. Damn them all. This was the crap all over the place.

New Backstreet Baby on the way! Hear the real reason why not only the new BSB album is delayed, but why Nick Carter and ESPN personality Kayden Jamison kept it all secret.

Oopsie Baby! Nick Carter’s affair with ex Kayden Jamison while dating Lisette results in Backstreet Bundle!

Creating News of Her Own! ESPN journalist Kayden Jamison becomes the side woman for old friend and ex flame Backstreet Boy Nick Carter! Ok! Delves into why she kept his identity as the father of her child secret from the rest of the world.

He Cheated! An old ex becomes a new affair. Why pop music’s golden couple, Nick Carter and Lisette Marielle called it quits. Hear about Nick’s reluctance at fatherhood when a very pregnant Kayden Jamison shows up at his door saying she is bearing his child. Is her baby really his?

Don’t Want You Back Exclusive interview with rising popstar Lisette Marielle about her heartbreak over Nick Carter. Where she talks about how he cheated on her and as a result how Nick’s about to father another woman’s child.

Who’s Your Daddy? The father of Kayden’s child revealed. Now, Nick Carter is about to be a father!

I’m not even kidding; the articles are really that bad. The first one is from Teen People, and the last one is from People. At least those are fucking accurate. The other three are from the lovely trash called tabloids. One, Nick did NOT cheat on Lisette with me. He cheated on me with Lisette! Do the pregnancy math! Bastards. And I know she’s the one who fucking squealed. Yeah People got a reliable source, hers. And I bet they talked to my doctors. That would explain the calls I got today asking for interviews. Bet Nick’s is ringing off the hook by now. I’ve got messages asking about buying the first photos of the baby already. Fuck, I’m not that big, I know if they didn’t know it was Nick’s, this wouldn’t be so major. Hence why I never said it even after Nick took responsibility. I ain’t Angelina Jolie or Katie Holmes. I don’t want to do that shit! And I don’t want to deal with my mom’s call right now.

“Mom, calm down. You knew I was pregnant.”

“Yeah but I didn’t know the father was Nicky of all people!”

“If I had my say right now it wouldn’t be. I didn’t tell anyone but Nick.” And Kevin. And Mel. Oh…well Luke found out by accident. “I don’t know how the media caught hold of this.” Liar. Liar. Pants on fire. I’m a horrible person I know. But I’ve said it before, mom and I can’t open up well. Especially to each other. So I never told her how Nick was the father, or the fucked up explosion that was the end of our relationship.

“I’m coming down there.”

“Mom, why? I’m fine, just…stuck with a five day old child inside of me!” Yes I’m five days late. And I’m ready to kill someone.

“More reason I should come, I’m about to be a grandmother.”

“But you weren’t coming down before. Why now that you know the father is Nick? He did step up; he’s actually going to be part of the baby’s life.”

“No I was, I just couldn’t get a hold of you for the past few days.”

“Oh….well…great.” Thank you lord. I have another call. “Mom, I’ll um...call you back.” I know she loves me, and she was never the horrible disaster of a mother we call Jane Carter. But our relationship was always blocked by this wall she put up, one I ended up learning how to do, having been raised around that.

I switched over to the other call. “Hello?” Please don’t be a reporter, please for the love of all things pickles right now. I don’t want to even try to deal with that shit.

“Hey, hey Kay you alright?”

I smiled. “Hey Luke…um it’s just been a trying day.”

“I saw it on TV, and it had to happen on a day you hate to begin with.”

I blinked. Oh fucking great. I should’ve known, E! would kill for that kind of news just like that whore would for publicity. I just, damn hormones. Why did this have to happen now? I’m not naïve, I know I’m a media personality, I know Nick is famous and what comes with that. I knew this would happen with time. But I expected it either earlier in my pregnancy when he first found out or after the baby was born. Having this happen now, when I can pop any damn day, when I have a FIVE DAY OLD CHILD INSIDE OF ME, is just bad fucking timing! I hate these damn hormones. I feel like crying.

Someone remind me why I thought going into broadcast journalism, and dating my now ex best friend who happened to be famous was a good idea again?

“I could fucking kill the bitch! This is the worst timing ever and…”

“And that’s why she planned it this way, I know. She knew when you’re due; Nick had to have told her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had something to do with this-”

No. This was going to overshadow his album majorly. “He didn’t, he wanted this quiet for now as bad as I did.”

“I’m going to cheer you up; I’ll be there in about an hour?”

I tossed the magazines in the cart. I’m curious about the fucking lies. Okay? I’m a sadist, I already said that. Plus pickles because hello, they’re amazingly yummy. Okay so after this pregnancy thing is done I’m gonna likely hate the little fuckers but right now? They’re gold. I head to the self checkout line. The last thing I need is for someone to realize I’m buying the damn magazines because they’re about me and Nick. The phone rang again. Fucking hell.

“Is this Kayden Jamison?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes this is her.”

“This is OK! Magazine and we were wanting to set an interview up-”

“No I’m not doing a damn interview right now. No Nick’s not either.” (I don’t care if he would or not, not now, they can all wait since they all couldn’t wait to publish this crap anyway.) “I’m about to fucking pop, I come to the store to see mine and Nick’s faces plastered all over the place. So fuck no! You fucking liars already printed a bunch of shit, stick to that you pathetic wanna be journalists! You have no integrity, no truth to your stories so kiss my and I quote Nick, ‘rosy white ass!’” I hung up. Damn that felt good.

Five bucks says I’m quoted later saying all this shit. I don’t care! Just leave me the hell alone. So I did the smart thing, I turned my phone off.

Talk to the voice mail bitches.

**********

“Yes mom, it’s my baby.”

“Nickolas you know I never liked that girl-”

I stared at the phone. Whoa I have a shit load of voice mails. Man my PR team is going to be pissed I never told them any of this. I heard my mom rant on. She’s just fucking pissed cause it means she gets less money. I hate my mother, really do. I kept painting the wall; I’m already late on this shit. Kayden was due a few days ago. I just got fucking lucky she ain’t had the kid yet. “Mom, the baby is mine, and I’m going to be a parent. Something you never fucking tried!” I heard myself screaming. That woman always makes me lose control.

“You should get full custody and let me raise her.” Is this woman on fucking drugs?

“One, Kayden wants that baby, so hell no. Two, I ain’t gonna let you fuck her up as badly as you did me! Three I can handle this.” Fuck I don’t know if that last one is true. I keep fucking freaking about it, but I can’t be worse than my mother.

“Yo! Nick you in here!?” Saved by the AJ.

“Mom…Mom…Mom! I have to go.”

“I’m GOING to be the one who raises that child.” That’s it; she lost what tiny sanity she had.

“No, you’re not.”

“I’ll fight for-”

“I don’t care! You can’t fucking do shit! Bye.” I threw the sidekick on the floor. Hey it didn’t break, score one for me. I looked at AJ who looked tired after lugging the mini-fridge up here. He stared at me, with that damn Kevin look.

“I’m fine aight, just dealing with HER.” he knew who I meant.

“I can’t believe you’re doing all this.”

I shrugged, opening the box to look inside. “Don’t have to like the mother to love the baby. And it’s helping me deal with all the drama shit. Just wish people would stop calling my phone.”

He tilted his sunglasses down at me. “Dude, you sound surprised they’re calling you.”

“I am, I didn’t know till my fucking mother called that all that shit got out. Fuck it, let’s just work.”

*********

We walked along the beach; our shoes kicked aside, the cool breeze blowing about us. One thing about the Apollo Beach area it was way more upper class so admittedly the actual beach was nicer than Tampa Bay. It was nippy, being February and all but I didn’t mind. A trip to the arcade later was on the agenda, just to goof, be silly and forget the media drama now. I’m still amazed people care so much. Well okay, the version the whore told although untrue is scandalous. I already had PR people call to ask for a statement from me. And I got a call from Nick’s people too. They got the same answer, let them talk, I don’t give a damn. That, or ask Nick to make one up for me. This couldn’t hurt my career any, I’m on maternity leave. Meaning by the time I do come back, this will have blown over. Likely for the next scandal from Lindsey Lohan or something. Nick though, this will either really help or really hurt. Don’t tell him, but I feel a little bad about that.

“Still thinking about it huh?” My boyfriend’s voice interrupted my thoughts. I think that’s what he was. It was so new, and I didn’t want labels. Labels = scary.

“Just fucking surreal man. This would be news either way, but it wouldn’t be as major if the father was Joe Schmo instead of Nick Carter. I forgot how much of a splash the asshole makes in the media.” Boy did I.

“It’s only going to get crazier you know.”

I nodded. “Once Haven is born, the paparazzi stalkers are gonna hound for a picture of her first.” I glanced over at him. “You sure you’re willing to be with me with all that chaos? It’s Nick’s daughter, so it’ll always be there in some form.”

Luke just gave the warm smile that always seemed to send those warm little tingles down my spine. He hand touched my very large belly endearingly. “I haven’t been scared away yet right? I’m not gonna be. It’ll be a crazy adventure but…”

I laughed, covering his hands with my own, resting on my stomach. “But you love adventures. I know.”

It was nice, not as nice as it would be on any other day but Valentine’s Day, but still good. I admit the best Valentines I ever had was the horrific murder of Cupid, but that’s a memory I don’t feel like reliving. I’ve done too much of that lately. Of course what spoiled it all was when I felt a ton of fluid rush past my legs. Oh shit. Oh my god. Oh fuck.

“Holy fucking shit-eaters.”

“What, what is it?”

“My fucking water broke! Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I gotta call Nick. Oh fuck I can’t do this. Ahhhh! Son of a bitch that fucking hurts!”

Luke, damn him, he looked slightly amused. I’m not! I’m fucking panicking! I called Nick as I was led back to Luke’s car. I’m amazed I was able to even dial the number. I had to have Luke lead me or I’d fucking get lost or something. Oh my god. Is it too late to say I can’t do this? Shit. Ahhhhh dammit that hurt!

I can’t do this!

**********

The phone fucking rang again and I almost didn’t answer. I looked over at AJ, who was helping paint in colors on the stuff I already sketched on the wall. He tossed the phone to me. Bastard almost made me spill paint on the floor. “It’s the bitch.”

He must mean Kay. I answered, figuring it must be important since I piss her off so much. For a moment all I can hear are voices in the background.

“Come on, try to calm down Kayden, do your breathing.”

“My breathing does JACK SHIT! I can’t do this!”

“It’s okay, I’m here for you baby.”

I felt my teeth clench. “Hello?!”

“Nick! I’m about to have the baby! This is your fucking fault! Get your ass down here! We’re going to South Bay Hospital.” And then click, nothing. Gee thanks, great way to find out I’m about to be fucking father.

Holy shit. What did I just say?! What did she say?!

I’m about to be a father!

“Rehab”

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
So darling, darling, stand by me
Oh, stand by me…stand by me
If the sky that we look upon,
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountain
Should crumble to the sea
I won’t cry, I won’t cry
No I won’t shed a tear,
Just as long as you stand, stand by me…
-Ben E. King, “Stand By Me”

Chapter Fifteen: From Pain, Comes Beauty

Going to a place near by! Gotta go!

Oh hell now I sound like one of our damn songs. Or Brian cause he’s always quoting that damn song. Focus! It’s not the end of the world. You’re just becoming a father. No big deal…

Oh screw logic!

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!

Shit! I put all the crap I was holding on the floor, shoved some to AJ. He caught it barely before it spilled. I could care less. Well I did care, tattoo boy would’ve heard it if he didn’t catch the shit. But it could’ve been fixed, I had tarps over the carpet. And it’s not important now anyway! Ah! Stop rambling and focus Nick! He stared at me, like I’m crazy. I am not fucking crazy! I just, oh, I gotta grab Kayden’s bag sitting in her room. And…and…go to South Bay Hospital. She said South Bay right?! Shit!

She did say South Bay.

Right? Right?! I need someone to remind me I’m right. Cause my mind ain’t exactly working! What a time for it to go on fucking vacation.

Shit!

“Nick, you aight?”

“She’s having the kid!”

“Bro, calm down. Go, get her stuff, and drive down there. Don’t get your ass in an accident, if the crash don’t kill ya, the bitch will for not being there.”

“Aight. Paint this in for me will ya?” I had already done all the sketches. I could touch up too what mistakes AJ made. Besides Kayden and the baby will likely be in the hospital at least for another day right? I can do it then… Okay, Nick focus! Your daughter is being born now dumbass! I ran to Kayden’s room, grabbed her bag, tossed AJ the spare key once he stepped in the hall. “Thanks!”

My ass bolted out the door and in the car. Fuck! I need a baby seat for when they come back! So I ran back in, back up the damn stairs, and past AJ. He was a prick who laughed his ass off at me as I dug through the closet to find the baby seat we bought. I grabbed it, and ran out the door again. It took me fifteen damn minutes just to get the damn seat hooked in the backseat. Fuck! I slammed the door, got in the front seat. Then I realized I left the bag on the ground outside the car. Stupid! I reopened the door, grabbed it, and tossed the bag in the backseat. It was only clothes anyway.

Of course then I realized all that bullshit was for nothing since like I just said they WILL probably be in the hospital for a day or so after this. I hit the damn steering wheel in frustration of the prime example of me being a supreme dumb-ass.

I put the key in the ignition of my baby, my Cadillac. Take deep breaths, in…out…in and out… Breathe. Breathe. Okay, start the car.

Start the car.

WHY THE HELL ISN’T THE CAR STARTING?

Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! The car won’t fucking start! I hit the wheel again. Piece of shit! Not today. Okay, breathe. In and out…in…out… oh fuck it. That shit never works anyway. I slammed my fist against the dashboard, and the car sprung to life.

Hallelujah!

Maybe I’ll start praying with Brian now! Later though! I backed out, and sped off to the hospital. Please let me make in time. God if you exist, if you hear me, let me make it. Give a guy a break here buddy.

I may be on weird ass ground with Kay, but there was no way in hell I wouldn’t be there. When she asked me, I knew she needed it. And, you only get to see your first born come into the world once.

And call it petty but Luke ain’t taking my spot when I’m supposed to be in that delivery room for my daughter. His ass is getting kicked out the first chance I get.

Holy shit, I am going to be a father. Fuck! Can I do this?!

One way to find out…

************

“I can’t do this! I can’t do this!”

“Calm down…”

“YOU CALM DOWN!”

“Kayden…Kaydee…”

I stared at him. This pain is fucking intense! I swear to god how do women do this! It’s like…it’s like pushing a huge ass watermelon through a tiny little bendy straw. Hello, it does not work! And…did he just call me Kaydee?! Oh hell no. I don’t let anyone call me that, too many people makes them think that leads to Kate, Katie, Kade…you name it. The only one who ever got away with it…well he’s an asshole anyway!

“Only Nick can call me Kaydee!” I heard myself roar back at him. I blame the pain, the hormones, the fact I’m trying to push a kid out from my loins. Oh fucking god, that sounds so painful. Worse than this! I’m going to die.

Help! Then finally I could breathe a moment, the contraction setting aside. Okay Kayden, time to think, be logical. Shit, that’s not my strong suit even when I’m not in labor. I had called Nick, good, so he’ll be there. I want him to…he is the father it should be him driving right now instead. I love having Luke around, it’s been said, but it does feel off that it’s him and not Nick. Oh well, I have my man doing it instead, so that worked. I’ll have Nick call everyone else later. Luke was driving like a madman, navigating the thankfully not crazy highways. Remind me to thank god for having me be in Florida and not in LA. If I’d been in LA my poor Haven would have been born in the back of damn car. Yes that traffic is that shitty and I would have been panicking badly had I been in LA when this happened. Oh, oh no. Not again! Damn! That wasn’t even three minutes ago! Shit!

My phone rang…and I recognized it as another interview number. Oh fucking hell! I stuffed it in my pocket cause I can’t turn it off cause of this shit. At the rate I was going because of this mess I was gonna end up more known than Katie Couric and all because the father of my baby was an asshole named Nick Carter. One who happened to be a very well known and famous Backstreet Boy. Go fucking figure! Oh! Ow! Pain! Paaaaaain!

“Okay, sorry…”

“Get me there! I’m…oh fucking shit eating whores this HURTS!”

I felt the speed pick up as he gazed back at me, concern written in those pretty blue green eyes of his. I really cared about Luke, but, I don’t know. Something beyond the aching searing pain that finally paused again for a moment, was bothering me. I make no sense. Damn, I blame the pain. Cause dammit here we go a third time. Oh shit these things are close together. That’s like, well it’s good but not. Good cause quick labor. Bad because of quick labor.

That made no sense. I’m sounding like Asshole.

Finally I heard the car screech to a stop. Thank you! Luke raced out of the car, and within moments was back with a nurse wheeling a wheelchair for me. Well that’s more like it! At least I’m at the hospital. That’s a positive. Right. Think positive.

“I’m here for ya Kay.”

I heard myself say it. I can’t believe I said this, but… “I need Nick here! Where is that asshole?! He said he’d be here for me and I need him here!” I blame the pain. I really do. Though…I wish he was here. Figures though.

I tried my best to smile amidst the excruciating pain we call normal childbirth. My hand was in his and I was pretty sure I was cutting off all circulation in his hand. Yep, that tight. Y’all try childbirth and then judge me though. The contractions kept on coming, getting closer together than I would have liked personally.

“Just keep breathing”

I swear the next person who says that will end up stabbed.

*************

By the time I got to the hospital I was damn sure she likely had the kid already. I took fucking forever. It wasn’t my fault. There was an accident which caused traffic. I was screaming my head off at them out the window, pissed and wishing something could speed it up. I mean come on! I’m having a baby!

It took too damn long to get there. I mean come on! Can’t something go my fucking way! I’m about to be a father and of fucking course I may not make it damn time. I’ll be damned if I’ll be replaced in that delivery room.

It’s not Kayden I’m possessive about, it’s my baby girl that’s about to enter the world. Yeah, see, that makes sense. Once I did get there, I ran across the damn parking lot. Bolted through the doors into the damn lobby. Pushed anyone who wouldn’t move aside. I didn’t care what they thought and most weren’t mad after I yelled “I’M HAVING A BABY” at them as I did it. I know I looked fucking panicked cause one of the nurses gave me some strange ass look. I don’t give a damn! I just need to find Kayden.

“Can I help you sir?”

Thank god she doesn’t recognize me.

“About…to…have…ba-…” I should catch my damn breath. “bout to be…a…father!”

“Floor two, go to the receptionist desk down the right, and ask for the name of the woman in labor.”

Turns out, once I ran up the damn stairs, I didn’t have to ask any fucking body. All I had to do was listen. Kayden’s screams still knew how to pierce my ears just right.

“I KNOW I’m effing dilated enough! Just give me the damn drugs!” Yes! Thank you Lord! I made it! Whoa, I can actually breathe now. Feels good.

I followed the shrieks. That’s the baby mama aight.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M TOO FAR ALONG TO GET THE DRUGS! I want my goddamn epidural!” Man, I feel sorry for the doctor.

Then I heard the usurper of the baby labor. “Kaydee, calm down.” What the hell did he just call her? Did I hear that right?

“Stop trying to calm me down! OWWWWWW Holy hell that hurts! And only asshole can call me that.” Gee, glad to know she fucking cared. “Where IS NICK!? He needs to fucking be here!”

I got close to the room. I heard them trying hard to calm her. “You can only have one person in here-”

“I want NICK! He’s the father! He needs to see what he’s done to me! Where the hell is that asshole! It’s like him not to-”

I smirked as I walked in. Just to piss her off. Yeah I’m terrible. But fucking hell, I need to pretend to be calm. It ain’t like Kayden is gonna be calm any damn time soon. We can’t both freaking panic.

I nudged Luke aside, ignored the glare. Asswipe. I heard the nurse guide him to the waiting room. I ignored the whole thing. Pretended like I didn’t hear Luke calling me a selfish washed up popstar under his breath as he walked by me, knowing Kayden wouldn’t hear it. I took Kayden’s hand, cause it seemed to be the right thing to do. I remembered what I’m supposed to do. She needs stability, someone to help her focus on something other than the pain.

Despite all the damn differences, between my fuck ups and hers, and all the bullshit, it all needs to go the hell away. Cause we have a daughter to bring into the world.

I’m about to be a father. And now Kayden is going to be a mother. It just now fucking becomes real. I never would have predicted any of this bullshit before. I bet she never would have either.

“Come on Kaydee, breathe, in and out…eee eee oooh…”

“You were fucking late.”

“But I’m here. I told you I would be didn’t I?”

Her forehead was sweaty, her hair sticking to her face. Pain was written in her blue-green eyes. Instead of some smart ass response like normal, she rolled her eyes and bit her lip as more contractions came. She finally stopped yelling. The pain was getting worse but she stopped yelling since I came in. Weird. And what’s crazy as hell? For the first time since she told me she was knocked up (the first time I mean), she looked beautiful again to me.

Crazy shit. And a miracle all its damn own.

Now to watch the one we created arrive.

“Rehab”

Chapter Sixteen: Life, Love, Hope

“Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we'd be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
Through us he's given life to one
But isn’t she lovely made from love”
-Stevie Wonder, “Isn’t She Lovely”

It is amazing how damn quick a girl can forget excruciating pain when she sees a screaming, crying baby in her arms. My baby. Nick, Nick just, I couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t stop staring. The awe in his eyes, which was just something else. I’d never seen anything like it, and I’d known him, wow, eleven years now. He was nine, I was eight. Now he’s twenty-seven, and I’m turning twenty-six in about two months. In those years, I’d never seen him how he was at that very moment. I didn’t know how to take it. At all.

Luke was sent in as they cleaned her up, and I was “ready for visitors”. I wasn’t, but eh. I just wanted my baby back in my arms. I had this crazy fear of losing her after all I did to bring her into the world. This went beyond normal labor in my eyes. It’d been a crazy journey so far. I drove all the way to Florida from California, six months pregnant. By doing so, I pissed off my California doctor a ton, and that I decided to stay. I came so she’d know her father, despite all my issues with him. I even decided moving in may be a good idea so she’d know him, rather than me moving in some condo. (Okay that’s also because I didn’t know if I wanted to stay here, but that’s not the point.) All of it though, was for a daughter I hadn’t laid eyes on till now. She was perfect, beautiful, and mine. Tuffs of blond hair, and Nick’s eyes rather than mine. I hardly noticed Luke to be honest. I was tired, just amazed at my newborn daughter.

And say what you want about me and the Asshole now, but our little girl was made in a moment where we truly loved each other, a moment where we made something so damn precious. Right then, nothing else mattered.

A nurse came in, bringing me back to some sense of damn reality. She had a clipboard in her hand and I’m betting she’s doing her birth certificate. “What’s the child’s name?”

I expected Asshole to answer, to be honest. We decided on the name together, so it wouldn’t have bugged me. But all he did was turn his head and look towards me. Wanting my approval? Haven’t seen that shit in almost a year.

“Kaydee?” And using the old nickname only allowed to him no less. Okay, what the hell?

“Haven. Spelt like the actual word. Haven Jean Carter. And Jean as in blue jeans. You should know the last name.” I said with a slight smirk at Nick as I told the nurse. I used to love teasing Nick about his popstar fame. Almost felt good to do it again. Almost. I saw him grin a bit at me. Déjà-vu. Felt like I was eighteen again for a moment. Mocking Nick during the height of Millennium insanity. Good times. Before he was asshole. But now, there’s Haven.

“Haven?” Oh right, I never actually told Luke the name I picked. He should like it. “Are you sure Kay?” Or…not. “It’s a little odd.”

Oh. I really don’t want to hear this. Or deal with it. I looked over at Nick. Oh, wow, he’s ticked. Bastard just about killed my hand just now too. Fuck them both, Luke for challenging the name, Nick for strangling my innocent hand.

“What’s wrong with it?” Asshole stepped in.

“Oh shut up Carter, you’re lucky you’ll even be listed on the birth certificate as the father. Not like you earned it.”

Not. In. The. Mood.

“Both of you are acting moronic; just shut the hell up!” I smiled at the nurse. “Yes, the name is Haven Jean Carter. Nickolas Gene Carter is the father.” She left; don’t blame her for escaping so fast. I’ll have to sign the stuff later anyway. And I wouldn’t want to be here either in this mess if I were her. But I’m me, and I knew how to deal with it, and I was peeved.

“You two, stop the crap. Luke, deal with Nick being here, he’s the father of Haven, and he’s been there so far for her. Nick, deal with Luke, he’s been there for me. So shut it before I kick both of you out. Oh, Luke, call my mom for me, she needs to know, because I was too busy thrusting a child out of my loins to call her. Oh, and Mel.” I looked over at Nick, who amazingly enough was trying not to laugh. Asshole. “I assume you called Kev.”

“Texted, but he knows.” He replied. Luke left the room again, only this time to make calls.

“Good, strange way for him to know, but good.”

“How, just how are you with him Kaydee?” He suddenly demanded. That seriously came out of nowhere.

Not. Now. Come on, one day of no bull. Is that too much to ask? Oh, right, it is, because it’s still Valentine’s Day. “Oh same way I was with you Nick, he’s not a selfish asshole like you became. Might be too hard for you to picture.”

“Ouch, hit it where it hurts right Kay? So now instead of being with…” He actually made the quote gestures with his hands. “’The Asshole’ as you love to call me, it’s now with a guy with a creeper thing for preggo chicks.”

“Oh come on, you kidding me?”

“You’re telling me you don’t find it crazy shit that he decided to get with a woman seven months pregnant. Not to mention your job, which didn’t make you famous, but you’re recognizable. You’re telling me you never considered this shit?”

Damn him. He had a point. Luke said he didn’t know who I was. But he loves sports; he does watch them quite often. So, that could’ve been a lie. And to date me, when I’m big preggers… why the hell didn’t I think of any of this. Nick had a damn point. Ugh. “No, you’re wrong.” Not that I’d actually admit it or anything.

Soon my baby was brought back to me, wrapped in soft blankets, perfect for me to hold again in my arms. Nick hadn’t held her yet, he was almost afraid to. Not sure why. So instead of taking her from the nurse, I nod towards Nick. She offers our daughter to him. He’s Asshole, but he’s her father. “You should hold her.”

“I…”

“Nicky, just say hello to your daughter and hold her, let her know you.” The look on his face, I’m finding to be damn funny. I knew calling him that would work.

Finally he took her in his arms. Now I can talk a lot of shit about Nick while being honest with every word. But the look amazement on his face, of awe, was just indescribable. Anyone who looked at him right then could see the love for our baby girl. Our Haven.

“Hi Haven, I’m your…your…”

“Daddy.” I supplied for him, and then yawned. Good god I’m tired. He glanced over. “Get some sleep.”

“I’m fine.”

“Kayden…”

“I am.”

“You want to-“

“I’m good, amused at watching you with her.”

“Why?”

“Because of how grown up you seem for once Mr. Celebrity.”

“Kay, remember you mentioned us trying to be friends again…”

I raised a brow. Where was he going with this? “Yes…though I believe my words were about being civil and how we were friends once."

He sighed. "You're never gonna let me live this down, but I know I fucked up big. I'm the reason everything went to hell. I believed a psychotic bitch that made you look tame, over you. And now we have a baby. We should actually try being friends. Crazy shit is I can still predict your shit pretty damn well."

I stared at him. "Are you nuts?"

Nick shrugged. "Watching you have a kid got me thinking, and holding her, knowing she's mine, she's ours...made all the other crap seem petty. Even if Luke is a creepy bad choice of an idiot for you to date."

He just had to add that on. Of course Luke walked in at that moment. I swear I have the worst luck ever.

“Your mom said she’s taking the first flight out here…before asking who I was.” Shit. I didn’t explain everything to her did I? Well that makes things worse.

“Sorry, mom and I…“

“Their relationship has always been weird. But not as weird as dudes trying to leech off of pregnant chicks.”

That damn boy-bander was gonna fry!

“What the hell are you trying to say, you fucking pansy?! At least I didn’t ditch her while she was pregnant to hook up with some whore using me for her career.” Ouch, that was only a place I should be allowed to go.

Before Nick could even say anything more, I decided for them both. “Luke, maybe it’s better if you go. I’m tired, I need some rest.” I glanced at Nick. “Asshole will be leaving soon too, but he is Haven’s father, he deserves some extra bonding time.” I avoided the subject of my mother, better to deal with that later.

I only called Nick by that to him, basically to keep him calm. I could see he was completely annoyed, irritation blazing through those pretty changing green to blue eyes of his that I loved staring into. They were greener then, darkening at the thought of leaving us. He was jealous! Why? God Nick and I could hardly stay in a room for an hour without fighting these days. Then again, everything’s been strange lately. Oh whatever. I’m sore, tired, and I want to hold my baby!

His lips met mine, and I let myself be taken away in a short but sweet kiss. It’s nice to be loved. Loved. Oh no. I did not just say the L-word. Well I did, but not about what I feel. It’s not love, just attraction to a cute guy I’m somewhat dating. Shit. He loves me. Luke loved me. Shit. No, I’m wrong. Just paranoid cause of what Nick was badgering me about. That’s it. Or the pain. Yeah the pain. Oh forget it. Luke gave me one of those pretty grins that fit him best, and he turned and left. Of course he made sure to give Nick a pretty harsh glare too before he was gone. I heard Nick sigh with relief, happy to have him gone, I knew. Then, he gently passed over our daughter to me. I held her close, as she naturally fit into my arms, made to hold her so close one day.

“It’s weird.”

I stared at him. “What is?” I’d answer him, but I’m not the one who said it.

“You, I never thought you’d have kids.”

“I know.”

“But you look so right for it, there with her. It’s just weird.”

“You’re acting weird right now.”

“Am I Kay?”

I placed my lips softly to my daughter’s forehead, and I saw her tiny pink lips form a tired small ‘O’ before blinking her eyes shut. I’d sleep this out too, if I was her. “Yes, you really are.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you almost seem…” I didn’t want to finish. I knew where the conversation would lead. I knew where it would end. I’d be mad. He’d be furious, and I’m sure we’d wake our newborn from a gentle sleep she deserved. “Never mind.”

“No, what?”

“No, nothing. Never mind. Forget it. I said nothing.”

He rolled his eyes, great I ticked off another one. At least this one was only Asshole. “Why the hell do you always fucking do this?” It’s a damn good thing at this early age; it’s the tone, not the words. Or I’d kill him. Haven won’t have our trucker mouths.

“Do what?!”

“You start to act normal, like you, like freaking Kaydee, and then you shut it off. You turn back into the cold bitch you became after…”

“After you cheated on me, betrayed me, and called me a lying whore the first time I told you I was pregnant.” I finished for him. Maybe Luke should have stayed. Wait, what does he mean I was ‘acting like me’?

“Just rub it on in. It ain‘t gonna change a damn thing. And you don‘t think you‘re not using your creeper boyfriend? You are, because you‘re still a cold bitch, wanting to keep everyone out. Congrats Kayden, you‘ve become your mother.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “And you think we can be friends again.” God I hate him! “You can’t even stand me anymore.”

He stared me dead on then; his set of blues was icy and stubborn as they met mine. “That just shows how you don’t know me at all anymore.” Then he left, that easily. Well, more like stormed out, beyond fed up with me, with the crap that comes with being us these days.

And you know what sucked?

To see him so mad, so frustrated with me.

It actually hurt this time to see that.

********

I miss the days where Kayden Jamison made sense to me. I miss the days where she was random, and crazy, but not so cold. There was a freaking time where she worked her ass not to be because of how her mother was so shut off from everyone, including her. Never on purpose, Mrs. Jamison was always pretty cool overall, better than my mother by a long damn shot. She could never say ‘love’ to people, but other than that, Kayden was pretty open. Now she’s basically turned into her mother and doesn’t get that. I fucking hate it.

I fucking hate that I caused it too. Who else did? So I take my crap out on her, because it’s easy. Because I can. Because I hate putting the blame back where it belongs.

I hate being insightful. Ignorance is fucking bliss man.

Plus, now we have a daughter. That’s even crazier. Nothing I could’ve predicted. Hella weird, to have become a daddy, and to know that same dirty tomboy next door was now the mother to my child. And Haven, she’s…god she’s so beautiful. This small, tiny person, a combo-deal of both of us, the best of us, perfect and just so damn beautiful. I can’t believe I helped make something so perfect. My life is just a line up of screw ups and here’s something I finally did right.

I think Kay thought I left. Didn’t. I’m out here in the damn hallway, cause I hated how every damn time we talk it ends up in another damn fight. We didn’t always act like this. I’d ask what went wrong but that’ll make me look like a dumb ass cause it’s obvious. And that Luke, I’m not jealous. I’m NOT. He’s using her, or perverted or something. That shit they got going ain’t healthy. I knew it.

Friends. She said she wanted that again. Hell I want that again. And even if we didn’t, we’d need it for Haven. She deserves better.

So how do we get there? I’m not that smart, or good in relationship bullshit. But it’s up to me. Kayden’s tried so far, she did come back. Hell, I didn’t try shit. Till I discovered the crap about Lisette, the conniving lying manipulative slut who WILL get hers.

I sighed. I knew who I needed to call. I pulled out my cell phone, and pushed in the number. This was beyond me, and I knew it.

“Hey…yeah it’s me, look I need some advice.”