---

Present Day

Angela’s View

Silence. It’s what surrounds me, constantly, day after day. Silence. Agonizing silence. How can this silence be so excruciating and yet so comforting? Any sort of noise, any sort of movement would distract me from this hell, so why don’t I welcome it?

I lied on my side, my back facing the door. I stared blankly, switching from the pictures on the wall to the closed curtains, restraining the morning light from entering my closed off world.

My position hasn’t changed much these past couple of weeks. I’ll reluctantly get up to use the restroom, or to change positions on the bed. I never go far from the side of the bed I inhabit though. After four years of sleeping in the same spot, it becomes habit, and it’s hard to move beyond that boundary that was set for you. I only moved beyond that boundary when he was there to hold me at night. Those nights are almost distant memories.

A knock sounded at the door. I glanced at the clock and wasn’t surprised to find that it was 8:30am. It was like clockwork. I didn’t respond to the knock, because I knew I didn’t have to. I returned my gaze to the wall of pictures, pictures that reminded me of my heartache. The ache that I’ve been drowning in.

“I’m coming in A,” the muffled voice said from behind the door. My body remained still, my gaze never faltering. True to her word, she opened the door slowly and quietly. I heard her shuffled movements stop at the foot of the bed. I felt her gaze upon me.

“Angela, it’s a beautiful day outside. Want to see?” She asked quietly. I didn’t respond. She must have felt that the lack of response was an indirect way of saying yes or she just didn’t care what the response was because either way, she walked to the curtains, grabbed a hold, and flew them open. The light swarmed into the room rapidly, catching me off guard. I flinched and slightly drew back.

She opened the window and the sounds of birds chirping and green leaves rustling reached my ears.

“See?” she asked, facing the outside, not looking at me. She took in a deep breath and turned toward me. “What do you say about going for a walk? We could take Gunther to the park. You know how much he likes that.”

I didn’t respond once again. She gazed at me intently. She was antsy. I could tell by the way she was fidgeting with the hem of her pants out of the corner of my eye. After a few moments, she approached me slowly. She bent down in front of me, coming down to my level.

“Angela, please come with me. You haven’t left the house in nearly two weeks. It’ll do you some good.”

I finally looked into her eyes. Those eyes looked so worried and so caring. She came in here everyday in the hopes that I’d respond to her pleas, and I have yet to. I just wasn’t ready.

She smiled slightly at my response. It’s more than I had given her in awhile.

“Ben is downstairs. We brought over some food. I know you haven’t been eating what we’ve been giving you, so I know you’re hungry.”

“I’m not hungry Melissa,” I said quietly. She seemed startled that I spoke. She quickly regained her composure and replied, “Even so, you need to eat. It’s not healthy. This…” she motioned towards the room and the bed, “Is not healthy.”

She saw that I wasn’t going to respond, so she continued, “You need to get up Angie, for your sake, for all of our sakes. You need to face the world.”

My eyes began to sting to those words. I tried frantically to keep the tears back, but to no avail. Tears welled up in my eyes and I could see her face immediately soften. She grabbed my hand and kissed it, resting it against her cheek.

“I’m not ready,” I told her, my voice choked.

“Yes, you are honey,” she said softly. “You just don’t want to be.”

I shook my head, sniffling, “I’m not Mel.”

She frowned, “You’re stronger than this Angela. You were always the strong one. Always. This will break you if you don’t fight it.”

“I’m already broken.”

“No, you’re not. You may feel it, but I can still see that fire that we all love about you in your eyes. It hasn’t gone out yet, but if you let it, you’re going to disappear.” She began to get teary eyed. “I don’t want you to disappear.”

My chest was tightening and it was getting harder to breathe through my tears, “It hurts so much, Mel.”

She cried with me, “I know honey. But you have to try.”

I didn’t say anything for a minute or so, and she spoke up again, “Brian’s been calling.”

I quickly looked at her, my breath caught in my throat.

“He’s been asking about you. He’s stopped by a lot too, but I keep telling him you just need some time to yourself. He’s very persistent.”

I struggled to organize my thoughts, “Why haven’t you told me?”

“I didn’t know if it would upset you.”

“What has he said?”

She knew what I wanted her to say, and I knew she wouldn’t lie to me, “He’s worried about you. He misses you.”

“Does he know I’ve been… like this?” I asked a bit worried.

She shook her head, “No.”

Part of me wanted him to know, for the simple fact that I knew he would flip out. He would have been in here the second he found out. On the other hand, it’s best that he doesn’t know. It wouldn’t help anything.

She searched my face, trying to find what would be the right thing to say next. She couldn’t find anything, so she did what I would have done. She went back to trying to get me out of bed.

“Come downstairs?”

“Maybe tomorrow Melissa,” I said softly, taking my hand from hers. She nodded, her devastation evident. A few extra tears left her eyes, “Okay.”

With that, she got up, and softly closed the door behind her. Except for the birds and the leaves, silence once again greeted me. I closed my eyes and wished for everything to disappear.

So why did I greet this silence? Because if I allow for any sort of distraction to break this silence, it would mean moving on. I wasn’t ready to move on. I wasn’t ready to forget.

I opened my eyes and transfixed them once again on the wall of photos. I landed on one in particular. It was only of him. He was in a beige sweater with a beanie over his head. He grinned goofily at the camera. He had been shoveling snow outside and when I called his name, he turned his head and immediately smiled. I loved that smile, more than anything.

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from seeping out once again. I remember when I had first saw that smile, I nearly lost my balance. I remember when I first saw that smile, my life had changed.

---

Five Years Earlier

Angela's View

“Hey Melissa, ever heard of modesty?” I laughed, watching her scale the table, immediately shaking her ass around. I looked to my right and Ben sat back laughing. “She knows nothing of that word Angela.”

“It’s a pity really,” I yelled over the music.

“Why’s that?” he yelled back. His eyes were still transfixed on Melissa.

“She’s giving away the whole farm. She’s barely leaving anything to the imagination. Where’s the fun in that?”

He laughed, “There’s still a lot fun. Believe me.”

I rolled my eyes, and took a sip of my drink. It’s been like this since college. The three of us, Melissa, Ben, and I, would go out clubbing or to the bars on the weekend. Melissa would get tipsy and immediately start dancing all over the place. Ben and I were more reserved. We enjoyed the more quiet life, but Melissa would never choose that route. She was a wild child, but that’s why we loved her. She kept our lives interesting. She would get hit on constantly, and lord knows how many men she’s left with over the years, but she never saw much wrong with that sort of lifestyle.

Ben, our beloved gay man, has been in a committed relationship since junior year of college. Four years is a long time to be with someone, especially when you’re a homosexual male. Their love is inspiring though, and the trust that they have for one another is unbelievable. I envy them.

As for me, I’m a 25 year old single woman, living in Buffalo, New York. My life surrounds work and my friends. My past relationships have been sub par to say the least. I’m picky, I’m reserved, and I’m cautious. I don’t like pain or heartache so I always try my best to stray far from anything that could bring me to such feelings. But when I do love, I love hard. When someone can break through my barriers, the love and loyalty I have for that person is immeasurable. To say the least, I don’t let many people in.

Ben coughed at me, motioning his eyes to the right, letting me know that someone was behind me. I mouthed ‘What?’ to him, and he just smiled. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I reluctantly turned towards the man.

I generally got hit on at least once a night when we’d go bar hopping, so it was nothing new. The last time I actually accepted an invitation from anyone was, well, I can’t even remember how long it’s been. I normally didn’t even give them a chance to state their case.

His smile astounded me. It was genuine and warm. It was something I wasn’t expecting.

“Hi,” he greeted, holding out his hand. Taken aback from him and his charming good looks, I put my hand in his. “I’m Brian.”

His smile was infectious, and I couldn’t help smiling a little bit back. I didn’t say anything, and he tilted his head, the smile never wavering, “And you are?”

“Oh,” I said a bit startled. “Sorry, Angela.”

“What?” he asked, leaning in a bit. God, this damn music was so loud.

I raised my voice, “Angela. My name is Angela.”

He leaned back and let go of my hand, “It’s nice to meet you Angela.”

His eyes were a piercing blue, his face strong yet soft, his sandy blonde hair a few inches long, a few stray pieces of hair fell over his forehead. The man was gorgeous, but his face let off nothing of an ego.

“Kind of loud in here isn’t it?”

I nodded, “A bit yeah.”

“You know, I own this night club,” he said, motioning around the place.

There it was. The ego that was hiding just reared its ugly head.

“Wow, that’s…that’s great,” I replied.

“Yeah, I’ll say. I make thousands of dollars a night, I own a Ferrari, a house in Malibu.” He leaned back on the bar, “I live the good life.”

I had to hold back the throw up that so wanted to escape.

“Really?” I replied, trying to seem a bit interested.

He looked at me, and smiled, “No.”

I looked at him confused, and his grin only became bigger. “I’m kidding.”

“Kidding?”

He gently laughed, “I don’t own this nightclub, I don’t own a house in Malibu.”

“And the Ferrari?” I asked.

“More like Jeep Cherokee.”

I smiled lightly at that.

“You know, the look on your face was pretty priceless.”

“How so?”

“You looked like you were about to hurl all over me.”

“I was actually,” I laughed. He laughed with me, “I guess it’s good to know you aren’t into men like that.”

“And I’m assuming you’re not one of them?”

“Nope, I can gladly say that I’m not.”

“And you see nothing wrong with the first few words to me being a lie? What trust could come from that?”

He shrugged, “I figured I could win you over with my charm and wittiness. Plus, I figured it would be a good ice breaker.”

I didn’t know how to reply, and I think he sensed that. He immediately asked, “May I buy you a drink?”

I picked up the cocktail that I had in front of me and gently lifted it. He glanced at it and nodded, “I’ll take that as a no then.”

He couldn’t be real. A man this gorgeous just couldn’t have good intentions. He was here for a booty call, he had to be. I wasn’t going to give in to it, though I secretly wanted to.

“Then how about a bit of conversation?”

I was taken aback from his question. No man has ever asked to actually talk. Most men, once rejected from the drink buying, walk away in search of their next victim.

“Excuse me?”

He was unfazed, “Conversation. You see, it’s what two people do to get to know one another.”

“I know what it is,” I said, shaking my head. I kind of came off as hostile, and I could see by the look on his face that he sensed it. I quickly said, “Sorry.”

He immediately responded, “No, no need to be. I think you’re getting me all wrong. I’m not here to, you know, hook up. You see, I was just standing over there with my friends,” he motioned across the room, where two guys were sitting at a table with a couple of beers, “When I saw you across the room.”

I raised my eyebrow at him skeptically.

“I’m not a creep, I’m far from it, and honestly, I normally don’t do this. I’m shy.”

“You, shy? You hardly seem the type.”

He smiled that gorgeous smile that had started to make my heart flutter, “Believe it or not. I don’t normally go to bars or clubs. I’m more of a rent movies, sit at home, and eat popcorn kind of guy.”

“Uh huh.”

“You don’t believe me,” he smirked. I shook my head, taking a sip of my drink.

“Well, Angela, I don’t know how to convince you otherwise.”

He saw that I wasn’t going to respond to this, so he started up again. He once again motioned toward the two guys at the table, clearing his throat, “My buddy AJ over there is getting married in a few days. It’s not much of a bachelor party, but his fiancée would kill him if anything other than this was orchestrated. We figured it would just be cool to go out and talk with the guys, ya know, before he’s forever doomed to bondage.”

“Then what are you doing over here talking to me? You should be over there with your friends.”

“Well, you see, it wasn’t my plan to. I just happened to see you over here and you just so happened to catch my eye. I figured a woman this striking had to be worth talking to. It’s not everyday this sort of thing happens to me you know.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked, looking him straight into his blue eyes. You could get lost in those eyes.

His voice became more gentle, “Yeah.” He paused a second, and then continued, still soft, “So what do you say? We could go sit down if you want. Or maybe go for some coffee? I’m up for pretty much anything.”

He looked at me hopeful. His voice was deep yet gentle, and absolutely genuine.

I opened my mouth to answer, but he immediately continued, “Except bungee jumping.”

“Wait, what?” I laughed.

“I’m afraid of heights.”

I couldn’t help but smile, “So am I.”

“See, look at that, we already have something in common. I’d say that’s a sign to accept my offer if I do say so myself.”

I wanted so much to accept it, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place in my life to do so.

I sighed, “Brian, right?”

He nodded.

“I’d love to Brian, but I can’t.”

His disappointment appeared, “Is it cause of hawk guy right there?”

I was puzzled at his statement, and looked to where he motioned. Ben was sipping out of his straw, staring at the both of us intently. I quickly turned back to Brian and replied, “No, not at all. He’s… with someone else. I just, I have to work really early tomorrow, so I have to get going soon.”

He nodded, clearly seeing through my lie, “Maybe some other time.”

I gave him a small smile, nodding once.

He gently touched my arm, “Have a goodnight Angela.” With that, he turned and walked away towards his friends. They greeted him with a hearty clap on the back, clearly seeing that he was rejected. I immediately felt my arm being slapped.

“Ow! What was that for?” I exclaimed, turning to Ben. He looked angry and exasperated, “What were you thinking?”

“What?”

“Don’t ‘What’ me! That man… that man…” he was motioning towards where Brian had turned and left. “That man was gorgeous.”

“I know.”

“And nice! When do those two come together?” He folded his hands together and then quickly unlinked them, “Never! Why didn’t you go talk with him?”

“I didn’t want to,” I replied. He was definitely making me feel guilty for my decision. He rolled his eyes, “Fuck Angie, you’re going to end up old and frigid.”

I smacked him and laughed, “Shut up, and I will not.”

“Yeah, right. I’m angry as hell with you right now. I feel the urge to almost run over and tell him that you’ve reconsidered myself.”

I glared at him, and he once again rolled his eyes, “Come on, lets gather Mel and head home.”

The Next Day

“Hello lovelies,” Melissa greeted, dropping down into the empty chair at the table.

“You’re late… again,” Ben said. Melissa stopped what she was doing and looked at him, “I’m a busy woman.”

Ben laughed, “Busy my ass. What time did you get up this morning?”

Melissa didn’t respond, but only glanced at me. I shrugged, raising my eyebrows, as if waiting for her to answer. She rolled her eyes, “Shut up Ben.”

“Seriously, what time?”

“9, so sue me,” she said, grabbing Ben’s orange juice and drinking from it.

“6 here, what about you Angie?” he turned to me. I finished chewing the bacon that was in my mouth and then said, “Same.”

Ben looked over at Melissa, “So what was his name?”

“Does it matter? Not like I’ll see the man again.”

He shrugged, “Just wondering.”

“George or something,” she said, grabbing a piece of toast and tearing off a piece.

“How do you do it?” I asked, swallowing a big gulp of orange juice.

“Easy.”

“Easy? I hardly call that easy. I can see maybe one every once and awhile, but don’t you want to form some sort of emotional connection with someone? Fall in love maybe?”

She looked at me dumbfounded, “Talk about a hypocrite Angela.”

“What?”

“So says the woman that won’t even give a guy a chance.”

I glanced over at Ben, and he was nodding lightly.

“Hey, it’s better than sleeping with a different guy every night,” I said defensively.

“At least I’m getting something out of it.”

Ben laughed, “So true man. When was the last time you had sex A?”

I rolled my eyes, “What does it matter? I’m happy.”

Melissa stared, “Are you?”

“Of course,” I said, feeling uneasy under both of their hard stares. Ben coughed and began eating again, relieving some of the pressure off of my shoulders. Melissa wouldn’t let it go though, “I’m just saying, you talk of love and marriage and having children, but yet you won’t put yourself out there to even get close to those things. I don’t understand it.”

“I want those things, but I don’t have time in my life right now.”

“There’s always time for it Angela. It’s your life. You live it once and if you fuck it up, you don’t get a second chance. You’re not getting any younger.”

The waitress came by, and I leaned back to allow her to fill my water glass. Melissa continued, “What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid of anything.”

She sighed, “That’s it. If you don’t get a date by next weekend, you owe me a hundred bucks.”

Both Ben and I laughed, “I don’t think so.”

“No, seriously, I’m not kidding. Either get a date, or owe me a hundred bucks.”

Ben spoke up, “I don’t think she really wants to be forced to date someone. It’ll happen when it’ll happen.”

“Ugh, fine, forget the money. But seriously A, give the next guy you meet a chance.”

“Should have given bubble butt a chance,” Ben said under his breath. I kicked him under the table, “Shut up Ben.”

“Bubble butt?” Mel asked.

“The guy at the club last night,” Ben explained. Mel nodded, “I remember seeing him. Why bubble butt?”

Ben shrugged, “He had a nice ass. Round and bubble like.”

All of us laughed then, and we continued on with our late breakfast.

---

Angela's View

1 Week Later

“Shit, shit, shit,” I whispered to myself, struggling with the coffee in my left hand, searching frantically through my purse for my cell phone. It was ringing, but the massive crater of a purse that I owned hid it evilly. I knew who would be on the other end, and I knew the condescending voice would be angry. I found the phone and quickly flipped it open, awkwardly maneuvering it to my ear.

“Hello?” I answered, exasperated.

“Manello! Where the hell are you?”

“I’m on my way Johnny, just give me a few.”

“You were supposed to be here 5 minutes ago. I need your submission by 11 or you’re going to be hearing from me again.” I quickly looked at my watch. I had 45 minutes to write my article and submit it to him.

“Yeah, okay Johnny.”

“Is that all I get? I give you an extension out of the goodness of my heart and I get a ‘Yeah, okay Johnny’?”

“Thank you Johnny, very much,” I quickly blurted out.

“That’s better.” He hung up then. I closed the phone and cursed it under my breath. As I was putting the phone back into my purse and trying to regain my composure, I heard someone say my name.

“Angela?”

I turned around to see the man that I had met at the club a week or so earlier. He had walked out of the same coffee shop I had just exited, cup of coffee in hand. His attire was much different than it was the first time that I saw him. Instead of a young guy out on the town, he was a complete businessman. His tailored suit oozed of success but yet his hair, the hair that hung loosely, wasn’t changed.

When he saw me acknowledge him, his face transformed into a huge grin. He rushed up to me, “Good morning to you pretty lady, I thought I recognized you in there.”

“Brian right?”

He nodded.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, looking around.

“Just getting some coffee, ya know, to help me wake up,” he said raising the coffee slightly. “I never thought I’d see you here.”

“Oh, yeah, well I was up late last night and I figured I should stop and get a little pick me up before work.”

He nodded, “It’s funny isn’t it?”

“What is?”

“That I asked you out to coffee and here we are, coincidentally at a coffee shop.”

I laughed lightly, “Yeah, what are the chances? Well, I guess you could be, I don’t know, following me.”

He seemed taken aback at that, “No, no.”

“I’m kidding,” I grinned. “See, I can do it too.”

His face relaxed.

“Well, I have to get going. The boss is getting antsy,” I said.

“Oh, hey, well where are you going?”

“24th and Birch, you?”

“I’m headed in the same direction, why don’t we walk together?”

I tilted my head a bit, looking at him intently. His intentions had to be different than what I had first suspected. He was kind and everything he said was real and heartfelt. He was the most sincere man I had ever met.

“Okay,” I agreed. His grin widened, “Great. Shall we?” He motioned towards the front of us, putting his arm behind my back. We walked in silence for a few moments and then I spoke up, “So what do you do Brian?”

“I’m a partner at a firm,” he replied. I raised my eyebrows in surprise, “Wow, that’s pretty impressive. But aren’t you a bit young?”

“I get that a lot and maybe I am. I lucked out really. My dad founded the company before I was born, so when I came, his only son, I was sort of expected to get into the family business, ya know?”

I nodded, “Do you enjoy it?”

“I do actually. But what about you?”

“Journalist,” I replied.

“No kidding, that’s great,” he said, rather enthusiastically. I smiled and continued walking.

“And do you enjoy it?”

I shrugged, “Yeah, I mean I love writing, but I hate being told what to write about and having actual deadlines for it.”

“Then why be a journalist and not just a writer?”

His intense interest surprised me. When most men talked or asked questions, they asked them because they knew they had to, but Brian, he seemed to be genuinely interested in what I was saying.

“Being a writer is what I really want to be. Journalism is just sort of a side job from that, to get my name out there and all.”

He nodded, “Do you have any stories?”

“Oh, yeah, I have tons. I’ve been writing since I was in high school so I’ve got quite a collection. Nothing serious though, and nothing that would be worth publishing.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. There’s got to be something in there that you hold close to your heart.”

I glanced at him. He saw me looking at him and he glanced over as well. He smiled, “What?”

“You’re very attentive, you know that?”

He shrugged, “I’m like that.”

I nodded, “Okay, well, enough about me. Tell me about you.”

“There’s not much to know.”

“Nope, there’s got to be something. Tell me something you like to do in your spare time.”

“Spare time? What’s spare time?” he asked, making a face that said, jokingly, that he didn’t know what I was talking about. I laughed and reached my hand over to lightly slap him on the arm, “Come on, no funny business.”

“Okay, okay. Seriously though, I don’t have much free time, what with work and all. It’s not like that all the time, but we’re on a huge case right now, and it doesn’t seem to be letting up anytime soon. But, if I am to remember correctly, I used to enjoy sleeping.”

“Sleeping?”

He nodded, “Yep.”

I scoffed, “That’s boring!”

He laughed, “What’s wrong with sleeping?”

“Nothing happens while you’re sleeping. How is anyone supposed to partake in that with you?”

“Okay, fine! If I must tell you, you have to promise not to laugh.”

He stared at me seriously and I raised my hands as if in surrender, “I promise not to laugh. Cross my heart.”

He smiled at that, “Alright. Well…”

“Come on, spit it out,” I urged.

“Photography,” he stated.

“You like taking pictures?”

He laughed, “You make it sound so frivolous.”

“I didn’t mean for it to be.”

He quickly nodded, chuckling, “I know, but I do enjoy taking pictures.”

“Of what?”

“Anything really, anything that catches my eye. I like documenting things, I always have, and I’m a visual person, so what better way to document then through photography?”

I nodded, smiling to myself. This man was a man that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would meet. The more he talked, the more my feelings and interest for him grew, and I loved it. I hadn’t felt like this in years.

“Ever thought of doing it professionally?”

He shook his head, “Nah, I’m happy where I’m at. It’s more of a hobby.”

I nodded as we continued walking. For the next ten minutes, we talked, just small chit chat about nothing in particular, but with a few personal questions here and there about music or movies. Until, unfortunately, it ended.

“Well, this is me,” I said, coming to a stop in front of the doors. He looked up at the building, disappointment evident on his face.

“It was nice running into you Brian,” I said. He smiled at me then, “You too, Angela.”

I turned then to walk into the building, but he quickly stopped me.

“Hey, wait.”

I stopped, and turned towards him. He stood there a little uneasy.

“Would you like to go to dinner later perhaps?” he asked. “Maybe?”

He was nervous. More nervous than he was the first time I met him at the club. I guess I couldn’t blame him. It takes guts to ask someone out again when already once rejected.

“Okay,” I replied.

He looked startled, “Yeah?”

I grinned, nodding, “Yeah.”

“That’s great,” he stumbled over his words, the excitement clearly affecting him. “Uh, how about I give you a call later?”

“That’s sounds fine. Do you need my number?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said. I quickly wrote down my number on his coffee cup and handed it back to him. “I have to go now though, the boss will have my head if I don’t.”

He nodded, showing he understood, “I’ll give you a call later tonight.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” I said. He gave me one last smile before he turned and walked down the street.

---

Present Day

Melissa’s View

I walked into the kitchen and sat on a stool, exasperated. Ben looked at me sadly, “No luck then?”

“No. She talked a bit though.”

He looked down at the boxes of Chinese food that were ready to be eaten out of and began closing them one by one.

“That’s an improvement.”

I started helping him, “I think she’s starting to come around. Slowly but surely. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, I think she’ll get out of bed.”

Ben started putting the food in the refrigerator, “Shouldn’t we tell Brian?”

I shook my head, “No, it would just make things worse.”

“But how? Honestly, how? They need to talk things out anyway.”

“Yeah, but talk in this sort of state? She can barely function. Having a serious talk about anything right now wouldn’t help her.”

“I guess you’re right,” he sighed, rubbing his face in frustration.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Ben quickly stared at me, “Who is it?”

“How should I know? I don’t live here.”

I walked out of the kitchen and to the entry way, where I saw the door handle begin to turn, and the sound of keys on the other side.

“Shit,” I said under my breath. I quickly grabbed the door and swung it open. Brian stood before me, a look of surprise on his face.

“Mel, hi,” he said.

“What are you doing here Brian?”

“Can’t a man come into his own home?” he asked, grabbing his keys out of the lock.

“Angela isn’t here,” I said, trying to block him from entering the house. Ben stood in the entrance of the hallway that led to the kitchen, staring dumbfounded. This wasn’t good.

“Then she won’t mind me waiting,” he claimed. “Why won’t you let me in?”

I reluctantly moved out of the way, “Why don’t you come back another time? Angie won’t be home for a little while yet.”

He didn’t say anything to that, but only entered the house, looking around silently.

“Brian-“I began, but he interrupted. “Why are you two always here?”

I looked to Ben, who looked mortified.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying my best to act as if I didn’t know what he were talking about.

“You’re always here. Whenever I call, either one of you answer. Why? You never visited this much before. And if Angela isn’t here, then why are you?”

I was dumbstruck. What was I supposed to say to that? He couldn’t see Angela yet, not now. She wouldn’t want it. She’d murder me and Ben.

“Just house sitting you know. We’re keeping her company with everything’s that’s happened. She needs someone right now.”

“She needs me,” he barked. I flinched at the sudden harshness in his voice. He softened then, and then repeated, “She needs me.” He paused and then said, “I need her.”

I nearly whispered, “You can’t be here Brian.”

“And why not?” he asked, turning to look at me, sadness etched all over his face.

“She doesn’t want you here,” Ben finally chimed in. Though that was a blatant lie, besides Ben and I, and Angela herself, no one would know the wiser. Brian didn’t turn to look at him. He only looked at the ground. He finally nodded once. His voice cracked when he began to speak, “Could you just tell her that I love her?”

He looked into my eyes then, “Can you do that for me Melissa?”

I nodded, not really knowing what to say to him. He began to walk towards the door.

“Also,” he began but then stopped. He sighed, “Just… I love her.”

With that, he left.

---

4 Years Earlier

Angela’s View

“Where are you taking me?” I asked.

“It’s a surprise, you’re not peaking are you?” he asked. I shook my head. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. The bandana covering my eyes was succeeding thoroughly. I finally felt the car come to a stop.

“Are we here?”

He laughed, “You have always been so impatient.”

I smiled, “I guess it’s good that you’re so patient. We balance each other out.”

I heard his door open and him step out, “Stay there.” A few moments passed and I could hear his feet crunching towards my door. He opened the door, and gently slid his hand into mine. Taking that as a cue to get out, I did, but carefully. I didn’t know where I was or what my surroundings were like.

He led me away from the car slowly. I felt his body lean behind me to close the door. It was silent outside. There were no sounds of car engines, or of people walking around. We had to be somewhere more secluded. Hell, it felt like I was in the car for hours.

Brian’s hand still grasped mine and his other hand slid around my waist, guiding me where to go. He let go a couple of times to open doors, but just the same, his hand would grab my hand and his other would always find its place back on my waist.

I couldn’t contain my excitement, “Brian, I want to see.”

“Just wait,” he said quietly. He said it so close to my ear that I shivered. I could hear my heels finally clacking on what sounded like hard wood floors. After a few more steps, he stopped me and let go.

“Now?”

“Not yet, just a moment.”

I heard him walk around the room, moving certain objects, and then he finally came up behind me. He grabbed the knot at the back of my head and untied it, but didn’t take the bandana away.

“You ready?” he asked.

I laughed, “Yes!”

He took the bandana away then and my breath caught in my throat.

“Oh, Brian,” I breathed out, my hands instinctively rising to cover my mouth. “It’s beautiful.”

The room was dark except for the dozens of candles of all sizes lit around. There were huge bay windows looking out over the city. In front of me a round table with dinnerware set for two was set. The table was littered with red rose pedals, and a few beautiful candles. Wine was set off to the side with two glasses.

Brian stepped forward and pressed play on the stereo that was off to the side. Soft jazz music suddenly surrounded me.

“Happy Anniversary,” he said gently, afterwards kissing me softly on the lips.

“Happy Anniversary,” I replied. He took my hand and led me to the table. I looked around me in astonishment, “How did you do this?”

As he was pushing my chair back in, he replied, “With the help of a couple of friends. This is a friend from work’s place. He went to Florida for the week and let me use it.”

“But the candles and the food,” I said. He sat down across from me and smiled, “Your friends would be helpful in that aspect. If only I could say I cooked the food myself.”

I laughed, “Maybe it’s best that you didn’t.”

He winked at me and my heart melted. Lord knows how much I love this man.

We began eating what was set in front of us. He must have texted someone at the house to let us know we were here so as to bring out the food, because it was still warm when we began eating.

Steak, mashed potatoes, vegetables. It was delicious.

“So you’re not sick of me yet?” he asked.

“Well, maybe a little bit,” I teased. He grinned, “Maybe I’m a little sick of you too. But you’re like an addiction, I can’t kick you.”

“What sort of addiction? Alcohol, maybe meth?”

“Everything. You’re that damn addictive.”

“I don’t know if I should be touched or disturbed.”

He laughed, “Try your hardest to be touched.” He continued, “You know, did I ever tell you what happened to me that one day before we were dating. The time where I saw you at the coffee shop and walked you to work?”

I shook my head, “What about it?”

“You do realize I walked about a mile and half out of my way to walk you there.”

My mouth dropped open and I laughed, “What?”

He laughed too, “I’m serious.”

“But you said you were headed that way.”

“I lied.”

“I can’t believe you. Why would you do such a thing?”

“I had to walk the complete other direction than you were going. There was no way in hell I was going to pass up an opportunity to talk to you more. We probably wouldn’t even been here today if I didn’t. So you better be grateful for my lie little lady.”

“This is the one time only that I will be forever grateful you lied to me. Relish that.”

“Oh I will. And the fact that I was over nearly 2 hours late and had to stay until 10 that night working better mean something.”

I rolled my eyes, “Nuh uh, you’re the foolish one mister. Besides, I’m worth every minute of that.”

He smiled, “That you are.”

I took another bite of my food and I could feel his eyes on me. I looked up at him and smiled, “What?”

“Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“About how lucky I am.”

“Shut up Brian, don’t get like that.”

“I’m serious Angela. I never thought that I could find someone like you. You’re everything to me, you know that?” He reached out his hand across the table. I put my hand in his and he squeezed.

“You’re everything to me too,” I replied.

He had put on his serious face and it was making me a little uneasy.

“And we’ve been through a lot this past year haven’t we?”

I nodded.

“I couldn’t have gotten through it without you Angela. I really couldn’t have. When Dad died, you were there for me in ways that no one else was. In fact, you’re always there in ways that no one else is. You’re my best friend Angie.”

I squeezed his hand tightly and lightly smiled at him. He then got up out of his chair and walked around to my side, never letting go of my hand. He leaned down, resting on one knee. With my free hand, I covered my mouth in shock. My heart was pounding inside my chest.

“Brian,” I began, watching him reach into his sport jacket coat and pulling out a black velvet case. He looked up at me then, his eyes big, sincere, and serious. They looked bluer than they ever had before.

“Now bare with me, just for a couple minutes, okay?”

I nodded and said quietly, “Okay.”

He took a deep breath and then began to talk, “I love you, more than anything in this world. You could run me over with a car or call me a useless bastard, and I would still love you.”

I laughed and he smiled.

“The point is, I’m so madly and deeply in love with you that it hurts, and I never want this sort of hurt to go away. When you’re not with me, I feel lost. At night, I find myself reaching for you even when I know you’re not there. I’m always wondering what you’re doing and if you’re okay.”

My eyes started to tear up a bit.

“I can’t get enough of you. Your smile makes me grow weak, your laugh makes me laugh, your happiness makes me happy. When I hold you, I have the urge to never let go. When I kiss you, I never want to stop. Everything about you Angela amazes me. You’re the most beautiful, sincere, compassionate woman I have ever met.”

Tears started escaping from my eyes, falling freely down my cheeks. He reached up and with his thumb and gently wiped a tear away.

“I want to wake up to your face every morning. I want to come home to you everyday after work. I want to have children with you. I want to grow old with you. I want you, forever. You’re my entire world Angela.”

He then reached down and opened the velvet box. A stunning diamond ring flashed before my eyes. I tried to keep my composure but it was growing harder and harder to do so.

He looked back up to me and slipped his hand back into mine.

“Angela, will you marry me?”

I had to look like a blubbering idiot, because I sure felt like one, but at the same time, I had never felt such happiness before in my life. I nodded through my tears, and softly said, “Yes.”

His face brightened and he quickly slid the ring onto my finger. He kissed my fingers.

“Of course I will,” I cried, sliding out of my chair and into his arms. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, not wanting to have this moment pass. He pulled back and kissed me long and deep. As we parted, he kissed my cheek, then my neck, once again embracing me.

“I love you,” I told him.

“I love you,” he replied. As he leaned back, I saw the tears falling from his eyes and let out a light laugh. I began wiping them away from his cheeks, “Now now, I can’t have my husband crying like a baby.”

He laughed and began wiping his own tears away, “Let a man emote woman.”

I laughed with him. We sat there for a minute, looking at one another in silence. We didn’t have to talk. Everything we felt was in our eyes.

I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips, “Dance with me.”

He smiled, “As you wish.”

He stood up, helping me to my feet. He led me away from the table and slid his hand around my waist, taking my other hand with his other. He pulled me to him close and began to sway. I rested my head against his chest and closed my eyes.

Though the music was rather quiet in the background, and though it wasn’t music that could be sang to, he began singing the lyrics to the first song we had ever danced to – Bryan Adams’ ‘When You Love Someone’

“When you love someone, you’ll do anything. You’ll do all the crazy things that you can’t explain. You’ll shoot the moon, put out the sun, when you love someone…”

The sound of his deep gentle voice and the sound of his beating heart made my whole world calm.

It was during this night that I realized that with him, I was home.

---

Present Day

Brian’s View

I sat in my car, gazing through the window up at the house before me. We had made a life in that house. A strong one too, until everything came crumbling down. Now here I am, alone and depressed, not knowing what to do. What do I do?

I’m lost.

I know I should be strong, but it’s hard to be. I’m supposed to be the man, and I tried, but it got too difficult. I keep telling myself that this will end up okay in the end, but it seems that I’m just fooling myself.

I mean, who am I kidding? She won’t return my phone calls, she won’t see me. I’m living out of a hotel room for God’s sake. I don’t belong there. I belong here, in this house, with my wife whom I adore more than anything.

But then why am I not there? I partially knew the reason. I had given up. Somewhere along the way, I had given up. I had stopped trying to be there. I wanted to be, but it hurt too much. It was hard coming home to a house where my wife was always crying. She tried to hide it, but I always knew. She’d lie on her side of the bed and I could feel her body shaking from her pain, I could hear her weep silently over the sink while cleaning dishes. I cried too, but I became numb after a little while. I tried to be there, but it got too hard.

It got too hard.

I know that’s not a good enough reason. I can only imagine the abandonment she must have felt. Must still feel. I was an idiot, and I was scared, and most of all, completely overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and for that, I fucked up both of our lives. I fucked up OUR life. The life that we built together.

I haven’t seen her in nearly two weeks and everyday it gets harder. I realize now that even though our home life situation had gone down the drain, she was still my sanity. Now that I’m alone and now that I haven’t seen or heard from her, I feel absolutely lost. I feel empty.

I miss her to no end. I’d give anything to be able to walk into that house again, knowing she’d be there. I miss her touch, her eyes, her demeanor, her perfume, her humming, her kisses, and the way she told me she loved me. I’d give anything to hear those words from her mouth again.

I remember the first time she said them. We had been dating for about three months. Those three months were absolutely perfect. We saw each other nearly everyday and everyday was always an adventure, even if we did something low key and redundant.

I remember I was over at her apartment and we had just gotten done eating dinner. I had cooked her chicken parmesan and she had absolutely loved it. We were always a team, right from the start, in everything that we ever did, and cleaning dishes wasn’t any different. I would wash them and then I’d hand them off to her to dry. There we would be, just the two of us, standing in front of the sink, and we never complained or tried to weasel our way out of it. I can only speak for myself, but I’d like to think she thought of it the same way, but it was those kinds of moments that I loved most. It was just being next to her, doing something as trivial as cleaning dishes that I looked forward too. It was in moments like those that I felt closest to her. And that night, I remember us standing there in silence. It wasn’t awkward silence, but serene and calm. There wasn’t really anything to say. We had just gotten done eating, and after we washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, we were going to go cuddle up and watch a movie on TV. I remember I had just handed her a plate to dry and when she took it, I couldn’t help but smile. This woman before me was absolutely wonderful. How could a woman look so cute just drying a dish? I felt so overwhelmed with love for her at that moment. Of course, I felt love for her always, but at that very moment it just sort of hit me. I not only loved this woman, I was IN love with her. She completely consumed every particle of my existence and it was the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. At that moment, there was pure happiness.

I had watched her dry the plate, turning it over gently in her hands, and I just blurted it out. I guess it wasn’t really a blurt. I said it softly, but strongly.

“I love you, Angela.”

She had stopped fiddling with the plate and looked up at me, smiling lightly. There was no surprise on her face as if she were waiting for me to tell her that for months. The calm, but happy look on her face told me that she already knew and that she was content. She didn’t need me to tell her so, though to her, it was nice to finally hear it.

“I love you too, Brian,” she said back. She smiled bigger when the grin appeared on my face. She leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my lips. We then looked at each other, still smiling, for one more moment, and then went back to the dishes. That was it. Nothing romantic or grand. I wouldn’t have changed that moment for all the world. I honestly think that it was best that our first exchange of ‘I love you’ played out the way it did, and not in some cheesy way like in the movies, or after we had made love. It was perfect the way it was. I had never heard such sweeter words before in my life, and one would think that the same sort of emotion couldn’t be conveyed each time that little phrase was said, but with Angela, it always seemed like the first time. Every time she told me she loved me, I felt brand new. Even after the thousandth time, I couldn’t get enough of it. I will never get enough of it.

But now it seems that I might not be able to hear those words again. It seems that I may have lost the one that was dearest to me, and for what? Because I was scared? That wasn’t good enough. I needed to make things right.

I sighed deeply and started up the car. Tomorrow would be a new day. Tomorrow would be when I got my life back. Tomorrow would be when I got Angela back.

---

Angela’s View

I hadn’t moved, at least not much. I had heard the doorbell, but didn’t think much of it. These days, I wasn’t thinking clearly. Everything seems to just jumble together into a mass of confusion. I didn’t have the drive to keep things straight anymore.

My eyes still scanned the pictures hanging on the wall and for whatever reason, they planted on one particular picture. It stood out because of the white snow surrounding the couple standing in the picture. It stood out because of the vivid memory that accompanied it.

Without another thought, I sat up and got out of bed. Without taking my eyes off the picture, I reached up and took it off the wall, taking a seat on the bed once more. I lightly wiped away the thin layer of dust that had started to accumulate on it. I don’t know how many times a heart can break, but I seemed to be making a new record because it ached terribly. Especially now, looking at this picture, this picture of young love and of new possibilities.

It had been only a couple months since our wedding and it was only a few days before Christmas. If we were to ever designate a holiday that was ‘our’ holiday, it would be Christmas. We loved it, not only because of the presents and the lights, but because of the feelings it evoked in us and everyone around us. We loved that time of year, and we spent every moment taking it in.

One of our favorite activities around the holidays was to go driving around neighborhoods just to look at the lights. We would drive for a couple of hours searching out the best house and we’d just talk and laugh. We would be in our own world and nothing could bring us out of it. It was just the two of us, Angela and Brian, Brian and Angela, two people in love, enjoying every second spent with one another, taking advantage of the holiday spirit and strengthening our already solid relationship as both lovers and best friends.

Brian had known from past years that one particular neighborhood was my favorite. The large Victorian houses with long cobbled stoned driveways sparked a love in me that I didn’t have for any other house. He always saved going to that neighborhood last because he knew I’d enjoy it most, and I did. One particular house always stood out to me because it was the only house on the block that had large double doors, with beautiful glassed designs at the top. To me, that house was perfection, that house was ideal. I think Brian could see the way my eyes would light up when I’d see it. It was my dream home.

During such an outing, we had been out for about an hour and a half when Brian turned the car onto that particular block. I immediately perked up and I could hear him lightly chuckle.

He slowed the car so we could take in the lights and I was so wrapped up in the spectacle that I didn’t notice him beginning to turn into a driveway. I was startled out of my trance when the car jerked a bit when it came up on the sidewalk. I looked around readily, a bit confused. In front of me was the house of my dreams. The lights from within welcomed anyone who passed.

“Brian, what are you doing?” I asked as he drove up the long cobbled stoned driveway. He came to a stop about three fourths of the way up the drive and then turned off the car.

I looked from the house to Brian, who was smiling at me, “What-“

“Come,” he said, popping open the car door. The light from the overhead washed over the inside of the car, briefly hiding the darkness outside. I didn’t move but only stared as he closed the door, the light turning off. He moved around the front and to my side, opening the door.

“Come on,” he grinned, holding out his hand. I slowly put mine into his and allowed him to lead me out of the car. He closed the door behind me and led me up the drive, making sure I didn’t slip on the snow and ice. Little white snowflakes fell around us and the world seemed so quiet and serene.

I felt the urge to whisper, in case the people living in this gorgeous house before us would come out with a shotgun and blow us away, “What are we doing?”

He laughed and looked back at me, “No need to whisper love.” He stopped and looked up at the lit house, “It’s beautiful.”

I stood beside him looking up at the house as well. I sighed, “Yes, it is.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if it were ours?” he asked. I tore my eyes away from it, “Yes, Brian, it would, but we should go. We don’t know the people that live here.”

I started to turn to go back to the car but he grabbed my waist and quickly turned me towards him. I flinched when something shiny dangled in front of my face when I spun toward him. I focused on the object to find that it was a key. I looked past the key to Brian’s face, who was staring at me intently. His eyes showed anticipation and excitement.

“What’s this?” I asked, reaching up and grabbing it from his hands.

“A key.”

I rolled my eyes and playfully punched him in the stomach, “Thank you Captain Obvious.”

“It’s yours, Angela,” he said softly. I looked up at him after fiddling with the key in my hands, “What is?”

He didn’t say a word, but only looked at the house and then back to me. Still a bit confused, I stood there for a moment until it hit me. I was completely speechless, “W-what?”

“It came on the market about six months ago and I just so happened to be the highest bidder.”

I shook my head, “I don’t understand. There are lights on-“

“They’re timed. It’s a security thing.”

“But-“

He gently grabbed my arms and looked me square in the eye, “Angela, I bought this for you. I see the way you look at it, I never see you look at anything the way you look at this. Not even me.”

“That’s not true,” I said. He smiled, “Okay, maybe not, but it’s clear that this house brings you joy, and whatever makes you happy, makes me happy. I want to raise a family with you in this house.”

I looked up at him speechless. Just when I thought I couldn’t love this man anymore, I did. My heart felt like bursting and my emotions went crazy. A couple of tears escaped my eyes and he quickly wiped them away with his thumbs. How is he always there to wipe them away? I stood on my toes and kissed him softly on the lips, wrapping my arms around his neck. He readily kissed me back.

“Why are you so good to me?” I asked softly as we pulled away. He reached up and tucked a bit of hair behind my ears, “I love you silly, that’s why.”

I kissed him once more, “I love you, too.”

I then looked up at the house again and a squeal escaped my lips. Brian laughed as I jumped up and down, “It’s ours!”

I saw him quickly run behind me to the car. I didn’t pay too much attention because I was trying to take in the beauty of it and the happiness of the situation. I heard him come back but then the sound of metal drew me to look at him. He was setting up a camera stand. I laughed, “What in the world are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? I want a picture of this moment,” he said, setting the camera in its place. He fiddled with a couple of buttons and then ran over to me. He pulled me to him close, his arms tightly around me. My head rested on his chest, his head rested on top of mine. He quickly kissed the top of my head and then a second later the flash went off, blinding us temporarily.

“There, quick and painless,” he said.

“We’re going to have a million babies in this house,” I said, looking up at him. He laughed whole heartedly, “A million huh? We might have to narrow it down to a hundred or so.”

“I guess I could live with that.”

He grinned and leaned in to kiss me once more. Besides my wedding night, that was one of the best nights of my life. I stared down at the picture, once again crying. Those two people holding each other tightly, smiling widely at the camera didn’t exist anymore.

Life can be so incredibly cruel. Who knew that the woman standing in that picture would be in the state that she was now. It seems like a horrible joke gone wrong. I looked up, sniffling, trying to wipe the tears away. I looked around the quiet room feeling more alone then I had felt this entire time. Here I am, in the house of my dreams, but instead of happiness, there’s sadness. Unlike that picture, he’s not here holding me, kissing me. He’s not here with me, and somehow that’s the worst part of it all.

---

Brian’s View

I reluctantly put the key in my hotel door, afterwards slowly opening the door to the dark quiet room within. There was no home feel here. It seemed desolate, or rather a black void where if you stayed too long you’d be lost forever in a world of sorrow and loneliness.

I entered the room, simultaneously closing the door and switching on the light at the same time. The room illuminated and it only seemed to depress me more. I went and sat on the edge of the bed, not really knowing what to do with myself. I could call the guys, but what good would that do? They’d say some stupid remarks and then attempt to get me laid, which in their eyes, was the best remedy for any man, married or not.

I sighed and looked around the room, zeroing in on my black duffel bag in the corner. I got off the bed and walked across the room, hoping that there would be some form of entertainment to get my mind off things. I grabbed the bag and went back to the bed, immediately unzipping it. DVDs spilled out of the flap and I quickly glanced over them, nothing catching my eye. I had a portable DVD player inside as well, along with a PSP and some games. I may be thirty, but I still liked games, and I still liked playing with new technology.

I grabbed a couple of games, looked them over, sighed, and tossed them across the bed. I groaned. There was nothing. I sat in silence, staring around the room for a moment or so, and then randomly looked back at the DVDs and games strewn over the bed. One particular DVD caught my eye then, but it was one that I should have steered clear from. How did it get in this bag anyway? I didn’t pick it out, but I guess I didn’t really pick any of these out. I was in such a rush to get out of the house, due to anger and exasperation, that I just swiped my hand across the shelf and whatever fell into my bag was what I was taking. I didn’t stop to take a second look.

I reached over and picked the DVD up, staring at the cover intently. All that was written was Wedding in big bold black letters. My buddy Nick was lazy and not one for sentimentality, so he didn’t tend to elaborate on anything, let alone my own wedding. Out of stupidity, I hooked the DVD player up to the hotel TV, and slipped in the DVD. I’m not quite sure what drove me to want to watch this, but part of me thought that I just needed to see the two of us happy and carefree. Maybe then I would feel some sort of hope rise up within me.

I pressed the play button and the shaky home video came to life. There were people everywhere, dressed according to the occasion. The wedding hadn’t even started yet. I could be seen standing at the altar with Father Mooney and my buddies AJ, Kevin, and Howie standing behind me. People were quickly taking their seats. I picked up the remote and began fast forwarding. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t boring to watch, but I needed to get to a point where I could see people laughing and having a good time. A place where not all the focus was completely on us.

The reception came into view and I pressed play again, sliding to the floor to get more comfortable. Nick glided across the dance floor, approaching couples and children, speaking to anyone he could. I laughed, because I couldn’t help it. Half the people at the reception were drunk and half were crazy, so it was amazing to say the least. It was a great night.

After another ten minutes of this, people settled at their tables and Nick focused the camera on the table that seated Angela and I, the groomsmen, and bridesmaids. He focused in on the two of us, me in my traditional black tux, and Angela a vision of beauty. She was absolutely gorgeous that day, so much so, that I can still close my eyes and picture her just as she was. Normally with time, images and memories tend to fade or become fuzzy, but her, she’s clear. I couldn’t stop staring at my bride for one, but she also had an aura about her that was striking and memorable.

The clinking of a glass could be heard off to the side. I had my arm draped behind Angela’s back, my elbow resting on the back of her chair. She leaned into me slightly, our faces practically touching. I can still remember the way she smelled too. I had told her on our honeymoon that it was the greatest thing I had ever smelled, and so she started wearing it more often. That’s part of what is so great about her. She would do anything to keep you happy in any way shape or form.

I could be seen whispering in her ear and she had smiled shyly, giggled even, like she was a girl still in high school. I smiled then, watching that scene. I remember that I had whispered something about her Uncle Ken across the room, who was becoming belligerent. The man was single and having a mid-life crisis and he was using the ceremony as a means of a quick dating service. We still joke about it to this day.

The clinking of the glass continued and after I softly kissed Angela’s cheek, we focused to the right where AJ was standing, banging his glass of champagne with a fork. The camera panned out a bit to get AJ in view.

“Ladies and Gentleman, girls and boys,” he called out, setting the fork down. The room fell quiet and everyone stared up at him, waiting.

“So, I guess it’s time for the best man to make his speech,” he cleared his throat. The camera focused in on AJ, “So if you all don’t know, I’m AJ. I’ve literally known Brian all of my life, but of course that doesn’t mean we’ve always gotten along. We hated each other once.”

People began to chuckle and he continued, “We did, it was in the 7th grade. You see, Brian’s always been the smart one and he always got better grades than me, but one time, in just one class, I pulled out an A and he only got a B. The kid didn’t talk to me until freshman year of high school. The boy can hold grudges, let me tell you. But I guess it was warranted, I tended to cheat off of him.”

More chuckles, “Anyway, that’s beside the point. The point is, I’ve known him long enough to know him more than anyone, except for you Angela.”

The camera panned out again and both Angela and I were seen smiling at him.

“We’ve been through a lot, him and I. We’ve had our share of girlfriends, jobs, family problems. We roomed together in college and graduated the same year. I guess I would be the wild part of that debacle. I always wanted to party. My theory was the more you drank, the better your grades would be. Of course, there’s really no basis for that ever working, but I tried so hard to prove that it could actually happen.”

More chuckling.

“And then there was Brian. He studied constantly, he was involved in campus activities, and he actually gave a damn about people. That’s the thing about Brian. He gives a damn, and that’s one quality a lot of people don’t have. But that's boring, lets talk about girls…”

AJ grinned and people laughed, even Angela and I.

“Oh, the good times that occurred there. Good times normally just involving me,” AJ laughed at himself. “When I did tear Brian away from his studies, we’d go to a party or go bar hopping like normal guys do. He was social when need be and he always attracted the ladies. I mean look at the guy. I’m saying this in the straightest way possible, but the man is beautiful by all standards.”

Angela and I had both laughed. She looked at me lovingly and kissed my lips. She had said ‘That you are’ to me after that statement, and it had actually made me slightly blush.

“Any guy would love to be in that situation and probably would milk it for all it’s worth, but not Brian. He’s always been a classy sort of guy, and old fashioned. He only dated girls that he actually liked or made a connection with. He never slept around, I want you to know that Angela.”

Angela smiled lightly and I could be seen looking at her attentively.

“The only reason why I found my wife Colleen is because I actively put myself out there, trying my hardest to find the perfect person. Brian on the other hand took a different approach. He was patient. We’d be out with the guys and we’d always joke about his situation. We’d give him a hard time, but that’s what we’re supposed to do right? Brian didn’t let it phase him though.”

He took a sip of water and continued, “And then a couple of years after college when we were beginning to settle comfortably into our jobs and our lives, I was getting married, and Brian and a couple of us went out to a bar just for a little sending off party. Remember Bri?”

I could be seen calling out to him, “How could I forget?”

AJ smiled and continued, “That’s when he saw you Angela.” I was seen kissing Angela’s cheek again and she turned her head to look at me, smiling widely. I remember she had squeezed my hand tightly then.

“It was odd really. Here we were, actually getting Brian out and about, just to enjoy ourselves. It was just going to be us men, you know, but right off the bat Brian was acting strangely. Here’s a guy that so famously avoids seeking out women the first chance he gets, and then on the one night he wasn’t supposed to, there he was doing it. It’s not like he meant for it to happen though. We had been there before Angela and her friends had come in. Everything was normal, we were talking, laughing, cracking jokes, and then you walked in Angela and Brian couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. It was something about you that drew him to you, and I’m telling you now, that’s a huge achievement.”

Angela and I were just sitting there smiling at one another, not bothering to look back at AJ.

“It had taken me 20 minutes to get him to go over and talk to you. He would have in any other situation, but Brian being Brian, he didn’t want to ruin my night. If I hadn’t known Brian all my life, I wouldn’t have pushed it as much as I did. It was obvious something was there and I didn’t want to be the man that made him pass something great up. So off he went, turning on his Brian charm I can only imagine. And you know what happened?”

A couple of people from the reception yelled out ‘What?’

He laughed, “She rejected him.”

People laughed and AJ continued laughing, “Flat out rejected him. When he came back to the table, the man looked heart broken. He had a smile on his face as if to just shrug it off like it was no thing, but you could tell by the look in his eye that he was clearly put out by this girl. I sat there wondering how this cute little blonde girl could do this to my buddy. I’d never seen Brian so intent on just one girl before and it astounded me.”

He paused to take another drink and then let out another laugh, “And then I get a call from the guy about a week later. He’s telling me that he’s nearly 2 hours late to work because he had seen Angela at a coffee shop and walked her to her work. He went miles out of his way for this girl, but that’s beside the point, how did they even run into one another? That’s what amazes me. Some freakish force of nature was at work that was bringing these two together. I don’t know if it was because Angela felt bad for the guy or if she was half delusional, but she agreed to going on a date with him.”

Angela laughed and yelled out to AJ, “I liked him you moron!”

I laughed watching the scene play out on the TV. I felt like I was there, reliving the whole thing all over again.

AJ laughed again, “Whatever you say Angie. But after that, they’ve been inseparable. Angela, I’ve never seen anything make Brian happy the way that you do. When he talks to me about you, his eyes light up. The love that he has for you is striking and dare I say poetic even. This man adores you and I know damned well that he’d do just about anything for you. You’re his world. And Brian, you couldn’t have picked a better woman to spend the rest of your life with. There’s a light about Angela that brings a smile to anyone that meets her. She’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and you’re one lucky guy for snagging her like you did. You’ve always been one of order and organization, but Angela helped break you out of that. You were already a good man, but she’s made you great. The love that you two have for one another is inspiring and I only wish that everyone could experience such a love as yours.”

He raised his glass then, but then quickly lowered it, “One more thing. The genes you two possess are phenomenal and it would be a crime against humanity to not procreate, so for the good of the world and the universe even, and just so I can call myself an uncle, please have as many babies as possible.”

Everyone laughed loudly then and AJ could only smile. He raised his glass and everyone followed suit, “To Brian and Angela, may your lives be filled with good fortune and happiness.”

“Hear, hear!” people called out. Angela and I raised our glasses to AJ and then lightly clinked our glasses together. We took a sip from our glasses and then broke out into laughter when I told her that we’d better get started making AJ an uncle. She continued giggling and I leaned forward and kissed her softly, over and over again.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I watched. AJ had come up behind me and clapped me on the back. I stood up and gave him the hardest hug I could, telling him a heartfelt thank you. He bent down for Angela to kiss his cheek and for her to give him thanks as well.

I started to fast forward the DVD again and stopped when I saw myself guiding Angela onto an empty dance floor. Our song began to play overhead, Bryan Adams ‘When You Love Someone’. Her dress flowed about her and her curled hair cascaded down her back. I pulled her to me close, lightly kissing her forehead. I remember the soft feel of the lace on her dress on my fingertips and her warm breath on my neck as we spun slowly across the dance floor.

The smile that I had before during the speech slowly began to dissolve. The scene on the television started to make my heart ache. I felt like an outsider and barely believed that it was me on that television, that it was me holding Angela the way that I was, that it was me looking into her eyes so transfixed as if we were the only two people in that room. I remember it had felt like we were the only two people. I was so wrapped up in her and though the song only lasted a couple of minutes, it felt so much longer than that.

She had closed her eyes when I leaned in and kissed her forehead once again and that look of bliss on her face all but broke my heart. I had forgotten that she could look that way. It had been so long since I had made her happy enough to look so peaceful.

Without opening her eyes, she leaned her head on my chest. I lowered my head a bit so that the side of my chin rested against the side of her temple. I closed my eyes and took in the moment, feeling her under my fingertips, feeling her chest rise and fall with the music.

I couldn’t take watching it any longer so I quickly grabbed the remote and paused it. I was an idiot to put this on. I had thought that maybe some sort of hope could come from this, but all it did was discourage me incredibly. We had been so happy, which I knew, but seeing the two of us like we were was something different entirely. I can barely remember the last time we were like that. We have gone so long putting distance between us that it may be too late to fix. We have spent so long in silence, ignoring the situation presented to us, becoming numb to one another’s feelings, that there may be no hope whatsoever.

But, I wasn’t ready to accept that.

When you love someone, you’ll sacrifice, you’d give it everything you’ve got, and you won’t think twice. You’d risk it all, no matter what may come, when you love someone.

---

Angela’s View

I set the Christmas photo aside and looked up at the wall of pictures once again. One in particular made me nauseous just glancing at it. Not because it was a gross picture or because it evoked anger, but because the hurt that accompanied it made my stomach churn uneasily.

I bravely got off the bed once more and grabbed the picture off the wall, returning to the edge to sit down. I once again wiped the thin film of dust away to get a clearer view of it. Why had I left this picture up? Why did Brian? Was it because we were so wrapped up in what was occurring that we didn’t stop to look at the world around us?

It was a side view of both Brian and I. We had been in the kitchen getting ready for dinner when it was taken by surprise. Melissa had walked in without us noticing and she had quickly snapped the scene in front of her. From the first time I saw how it turned out, I fell in love with it. It was my favorite picture because it was so pure and so innocent. It wasn’t staged or reenacted. It was so incredibly real.

We were standing in the kitchen like I had said, right in front of the double glass doors that led to the backyard. The sun was setting outside so an assortment of pastel colors decorated the sky. I was standing there, looking down at Brian with a small smile on my face, my hands covering his as they rested on my stomach. Brian was kneeling, but not looking up at me. He was leaned in, gently kissing my round growing belly.

I remember when I had first told him we were having a baby. I had been feeling ill for about a week or so, getting nauseous randomly and having to throw up. I began to suspect that it wasn’t just a cold, but something more. We had been trying for a baby, so maybe it was finally our time. I had gone to the store to get a test and found it to be positive. I was anxious and excited. I had the biggest urge to call him at work but I knew he would want to hear it in person so that we could celebrate together. So I sat in the living room and waited.

A Year and a Half Earlier

I sat on the living room couch, fiddling with the pregnancy test in my hands. My hands were shaking slightly from the excitement. I glanced at the clock for the hundredth time in the past ten minutes. Time seemed to be crawling by, but Brian was due to be home any minute.

My heart started to beat a bit faster when I heard his car pull up outside and his door slam. I quickly got off the couch and made my way to the entrance of the living room. I stood there, the stick still in my hands. My heart was racing and my hands were clammy. I quickly put the stick in my pocket to bring it out at the perfect moment. Brian came in, shaking the snow off his coat, setting down his briefcase. He looked up and seemed a bit surprised to see me.

“Hey baby,” he greeted, taking off his coat and hanging it on the hanger next to the other coats. I smiled at him. Why am I so nervous?

He came up and gave me a quick kiss on the mouth.

“It’s lovely coming home to see you right away. I usually have to hunt you down somewhere in the house,” he laughed. I only smiled at him lightly, biting my lip. His smile faded as he noticed my antsy nature, “Everything okay?”

His hand lightly rubbed my upper arm. I tried to find the right words to say, “Everything’s fine.”

“You sure? You seem…” he couldn’t seem to figure the word to describe my countenance.

I nodded. He smiled then and kissed me once again, “Alright, well, do you want a drink?”

He asked, beginning to make his way past me to the kitchen. I followed suit, “No, I’m okay.”

I watched as he opened the refrigerator and grabbed out a beer. He quickly twisted off the top and took a sip, looking up at me. He became puzzled once more, “Angie, honey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I said. He set down his beer and he came up to me, resting his hands on my arms, “Something’s up. You’re acting funny.”

I licked my lips, “It’s just…” I paused to figure out what to say and finally deciding that I couldn’t say anything to clearly explain the situation without sounding completely foolish, I reached into my pocket and slid out the pregnancy test. He was still looking at me a bit worried but his eyes quickly transferred from my face to the object in my hands. His eyebrows rose then, “Is that… is that what I think it is?”

I nodded, beginning to smile.

“Is it positive?” he asked softly. I nodded once again, “We’re pregnant.”

“Angela, this is fantastic!” He exclaimed, wrapping me up in a hug, lifting me off the ground. He set me down and looked at me eagerly, “I’m going to be a daddy?”

I laughed a bit, “You’re going to be a daddy.”

He stepped back and ran his hands through his hair, the smile growing larger by the second, “I don’t know what to say.”

I approached him, resting my hands on either side of his torso, “You don’t have to say anything.”

He looked down at me, the smile still there, not saying anything for a moment. He kissed my forehead and then rested his hand on my stomach. I quickly put one hand over his and squeezed.

“I love you, so much,” he said softly. I only smiled back at him. He then said softly, “We’re finally starting our family.”

Present Day

I glanced down at the picture, clearly remembering that time in our lives, and felt my lip begin to tremble. This was taken only three weeks before both our worlds had fallen apart.

---

Brian’s View

I turned off the TV and sat there in silence. Deciding that I was hungry, I reached for my wallet to take out a couple dollar bills to head down to the vending machine, and in the process of doing so, a folded up picture fell from the flap. I stared down at it momentarily, not moving to pick it up. I knew what it was, I just didn’t know if I wanted to look at it.

I sighed, reaching down and lightly picking it up from the hotel room floor. I set my wallet aside. I slowly began to unfold it. The sounds of crinkling photography paper filled my ears, and the glossy appearance made a slight glare from the overhead light. As I spread it out in my hands, my heart dropped. Her eyes were so incredibly beautiful.

The black and white photo was a close up shot of Angela’s face in our bed. She was lying on her right side, hugging a pillow to herself while simultaneously resting her head in the puffiness of it. Strays of hair fell in her face, and she peered out from over the pillow, a small smile on her face. Her bare left arm draped over the pillow, her hand resting just below her chin, softly gripping the soft white down comforter. Her wedding ring sparkled from the flash of the camera.

It was my favorite picture out of all the pictures I had ever taken. It captured what I loved about her. It caught who Angela was. Her small shy smile, her soft smirking sincere eyes… the grace and beauty of it always made my breath catch in my throat. I could stare at this picture for hours if I wanted to, and it would only get more beautiful and more meaningful. This is what I woke up to every morning, at least before everything had happened.

I remember the day I had captured this picture. It was a Saturday morning at around 8 o’clock. I had woken up before Angela, like I usually did. I’d normally get out of bed right away and hop in the shower, but that morning I stayed in bed. I remember lying on my side, staring at her sleeping peacefully. I had reached over to lightly stroke her cheek, loving the softness of her skin. I smiled to myself, realizing once more how lucky I was to have her. I had rolled over and grabbed my photography camera off the stand and rolled back over to face her. I set it down and leaned into her, lightly kissing her lips. She suddenly breathed in deeply and moaned a little bit. Her eyes had slowly opened and without moving, she looked at me.

“Hey,” she said softly, sleepily.

I once again stroked her cheek, leaning in to kiss her once more, “Mornin’ sweetheart.”

She glanced down at the camera resting between us and asked, “What’s that for?”

I looked to where she was glancing and then looked back up at her, “Thought I’d take a picture of you.”

“Now?” she asked. I nodded, smiling, without saying anything. She lightly smiled back and said, “Okay.”

“Yeah?” I asked. This was another great thing about Angela. She wasn’t a difficult woman. No matter how she looked or felt, she never denied me. She knew what taking these pictures to me meant and she knew that there would be no ill will out of it. She supported me in everything, always.

She nodded, “What do you want me to do?”

I gently picked up the camera, and without sitting up, brought it to my face. It was an awkward shot, but to get the picture I wanted, I needed to be lying down on my side facing her.

“Just stay as you are,” I said. I looked through the lens, twisting knobs, focusing in on her face. Before I took the picture, I lowered it slightly, and said, “Tell me you love me.”

“I love you.”

“Damn straight,” I said, and at that moment, I quickly raised the camera and took the picture. The smile on her face was priceless. The combination of light laughter and shyness only came off as confidence. It was innocent yet sexy. It was a picture I could publish if I wanted to. I wouldn’t though, because it was my own little guilty pleasure. It was something I didn’t want to share with the rest of the world, because I didn’t want to share her.

When I set the camera down, she quickly sprang forward, resting her upper body on top of mine, kissing me over and over playfully. Between kisses, I started laughing, and then she started laughing. I rolled us over so I was slightly on top of her. I stared down at her, moving her hair out of her face. We grinned at one another and slowly stopped chuckling. I looked intently at her for a few moments and then leaned in and gently kissed her. She kissed back, running her fingers in my hair. I pulled away from her and asked, “Are you happy?”

She looked a little taken aback by my question but nodded nonetheless, “Of course. Are you?”

Her fingers still swirled and it sent shivers down my spin. I smiled down at her, stroking her cheek with my thumb back and forth, “More happy than I’ve ever been.”

She quickly rose up and planted another kiss on my lips, “Good.”

I settled down next to her, propped up on one arm. She turned back to her side and propped herself up too. We didn’t say anything for a minute and then she bit her lip, “Can I ask you something?”

“Course love,” I said, grabbing her hand and squeezing it gently.

“You ever think of our future?”

I nodded, “All the time.”

“What do you see?”

I smiled and said, “Well, lets see. I see you…” I leaned in and kissed her, “I see us growing old in this house,” I kissed her again, “I see trips around the world,” I kissed her again, “And…” one more kiss, her giggles becoming louder, “I see kids.”

She smiled at me, raising my hand to her lips and gently kissing my fingers, “How many?”

“Hmm…“ I scrunched up my face as if I were thinking really hard. She laughed, “Tell me.”

I entwined my fingers with hers and smiled softly at her, “Three.”

“Yeah?” she asked, clearly happy. I nodded.

“Boys or girls?”

“Two girls and a boy,” I said. She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.

“What are their names?”

I lightly shrugged, “What do you want them to be?”

She looked down at our entwined fingers and kind of mumbled, “I don’t know.”

I laughed, leaning in, “You little liar, I know you know what names you want.”

She giggled as I kissed her neck and then her hand. She shrugged once more, “I really like Christian.”

“For a boy?”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

“What about for a girl?”

She looked up at me and stated, “Isabelle.”

I smiled at her, “Isabelle… I like that.”

“Really?” she asked. I nodded, “Yeah, I do.”

She leaned in and kissed me again. She then cleared her throat slightly and continued, “So, do you want to start?”

“Start what?”

She looked at me and taking her hand from mine, she smacked my bare shoulder lightly, “You know what.”

“No, really what?”

“Oh, shut up Littrell,” she said, rolling onto her back. I laughed sitting up on my knees. I leaned over her and began tickling her midsection. She wriggled under my hands screaming and giggling.

“Start watching a movie? Start singing? Start reading a book?”

She screamed up at me to stop, but I continued.

“Start building our pool? Start looking for a new car?”

She was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe. I stopped and laughed down at her. She slowly regained her composure, and I lied back down, half on top of her once again. She looked up at me, still letting a few laughs out. She smacked my arm, “You’re a horrible, horrible man.”

I smiled and moved some hair out of her face.

“A mean, horri-“

“Lets do it,” I said. She stopped in mid-sentence and looked up at me.

“What?”

“Lets do it,” I said softly. She looked up at me, searching my face. I leaned in and softly kissed her. “Lets have a baby.”

A small smile started to form on her face and then it grew bigger, “Really?”

I laughed, “Really.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down on top of her. She kissed me hard, “When?”

I laughed at her, “When do you think woman?”

She started to giggle as I began tickling her slightly, “Stop!”

“No, no, don’t ever, ever say that,” I said as I grabbed the covers from around us and flipped them over our heads.

I sighed, looking down at the picture in my hands, clearly remembering that day and the feelings I had felt. We had stayed in bed that entire day, making love, talking, laughing. I wouldn’t have traded that day for anything in this world, and it was heartbreaking at the possibility of a moment like that to never happen again. We had both been so excited for what was to come. We were going to have a child. I knew that it was Angela’s dream to have a family and it was mine to give that to her. A child was what our already happy lives were missing.

The horrible thing is, though we didn’t know it, that day was the start of what might become our ruin.

But, when I had come home from work one night and she had given me the positive pregnancy test, I had thought my heart was going to jump through my chest. I had never been so excited about anything in my entire life. We had gone to the living room to talk afterwards and had fallen asleep together on the couch, and when I woke up, I had my hand resting gently on her stomach. I remember what a calming wonderful feeling that had been.

As her stomach grew over the months, I became more excited. It was finally sinking in that we were going to have an actual person to take care of, to teach, and to love. It wasn’t going to just be me and her anymore. Instead of two, there were going to be three. I had taken active part in getting the nursery ready. Instead of her wanting to buy things, it was her telling me that we needed to slow down, it was her telling me that we didn’t need certain things. I wanted so much to be a father, and a good one at that.

I had never seen Angela glow as much as she did as when she was pregnant. There was a glow about her that wouldn’t leave. She was gorgeous. I had always taken pictures of her and our lives together, but during those months, I had gone into picture overdrive. I can only imagine how annoyed she must have been at times, but Angela being Angela, she didn’t object. She let me take her picture whenever I felt the need, and that was quite often.

I grew sadder realizing that I didn’t have any of those pictures with me. It was probably for the best though. They would probably only deepen the wounds that already festered in my heart.

God, I missed her.

What sort of event could lead us down this path? How could God be so cruel? What was His purpose for allowing what he did? How can so much regret and guilt fester in just one person?

I keep telling myself that if I were there I could have done something. If I were there, that maybe it wouldn’t have happened. If I were there, maybe we’d still be happy. But I wasn’t.

I had been in Boston for a conference. It was a big opportunity for our firm and I wasn’t going to miss it. I didn’t have to go, I could have sent someone else trustworthy, but I didn’t want to risk it. Angela understood, she always did. So I went, and it was the worst decision of my life.

---

Over a Year Earlier

Brian's View

I listened intently to the man sitting in front of me. I glanced around the room slightly. All these men in business suits did as I did, but they weren’t just listening, they were judging. They were judging me and my character. They were judging if I was worth the time, effort, and money to invest in what we had to offer.

Through the glass windows beyond the man speaking, I saw a woman walk quickly to the door. She opened it and lightly knocked.

“Sorry to interrupt Mr. Ellis,” she said tentatively. Mr. Ellis, the man that had been speaking, looked back at her and replied, “That’s okay Jane, what is it?”

“There’s a call on line 2 for Mr. Littrell,” she replied. I perked up a bit and everyone turned to look at me. I cleared my throat and said, “I’m sure it can wait.”

“No, sir, the woman on the line says it’s urgent,” she replied. I cleared my throat again and my hand went instinctively to my tie. I positioned it as I got up, feeling all eyes on me, “If you’ll just excuse me gentlemen. I’ll just be a moment.”

With that, I left the office and followed the woman. She led me down the isles of desks, past people shuffling papers and speaking on phones, to a large round desk near the elevators. She picked up the phone, pressed a couple of buttons, and then handed me the phone. I took it from her, not really knowing who was calling me and why. Angela knew that I would call her, she knew not to call me. Especially here.

I put the receiver up to my ear and said, “Brian speaking.”

“Brian,” the woman sounded frantic and tired. I was confused. The voice was the one I least expected. It was a voice I had grown up with, “Mom? Wha-“

“Brian, thank God you’re there,” her voice was shaky.

“Mom, this isn’t a good time. I’m in a meeting right now.”

“Brian, you need to come home honey,” she said. My confusion only seemed to deepen and I started to become a little nervous. This had to be serious if my mom was calling. How did she even get this number? Angela had it. If something had happened, why wasn’t Angela calling? Why is my mother?

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Angela, sweetheart,” she was crying now. My heart began to race and my mouth went dry. All my senses jumped into gear and fear washed over me, “What happened? Where is she?”

She was barely audible.

“Mom! Tell me what happened!”

A few people turned their heads to look at me curious, but I dismissed them.

“It’s the baby, Brian,” I could feel the blood from my face drain. “She fell down the stairs.”

I was speechless. What was she trying to tell me?

“Brian,” she was crying. “She lost the baby.”

It felt like a ten ton boulder had collided with my stomach. Dizziness overwhelmed me. I blindly reached out to hold onto the end of the desk to keep me balanced. I could barely breathe.

“Angela, is Angela okay?” I asked quietly, struggling to stay calm. I heard her sniffles, “She’s going to be okay.”

A small ping of relief washed over me, “I’m coming home.”

I hadn’t even gone back to the conference room. I told the woman at the desk to tell them that we would have to reschedule. I had to go home for a family emergency.

Everything was a blur. My entire being was focused on just one thing. Get home. Get to Angela.

The taxi to the hotel, the packing, the check out, the taxi to the airport, the plane ride all was fuzzy. I barely remembered any of it. How could I? My mind was 300 miles away with my family. I hadn’t cried. I didn’t have time for it. I was trying to process what had happened. I knew I was in denial. I couldn’t believe that this could happen. Not to me, not to Angie. She wanted so much to have kids and these past 6 months had been perfect bliss.

I had called my mom from the airport to see where they were. Angela had insisted on going home from the hospital. A bit of anger overcame me when I heard that bit of news. She should still be there, but Angela had always been a headstrong woman. When she set her mind to something, or if she wanted something, she got it. No one could get in her way. She couldn’t stand hospitals, so it really came to no surprise when she refused to stay longer then she had to.

The taxi ride to the house felt like an eternity. I looked at my watch every 5 seconds. I fidgeted nervously, unable to control myself. I yelled to the driver to go faster, and though he probably did, it didn’t feel like it. When he started to turn into the driveway, I couldn’t take it anymore. I yelled at him to stop, I threw several bills at him, got out of the taxi, and ran. There were more cars than expected out front, but I didn’t stop. I was on a mission.

I burst through the doors, breathing heavily. I looked around me frantically, finding Melissa emerging from the kitchen entrance looking shocked.

“Where is she?” I yelled at her. She pointed towards the stairs, “Upstairs.”

I didn’t even let her finish. I was already sprinting up the stairs, skipping steps every chance I could. I had only barely noticed the pile of blood soaked towels in a pile at the bottom of the stairs.

After I got to the top, I rushed down the hallway to our bedroom. I could see Ben leaning against the wall outside the room, his eyes closed. He quickly opened them when he heard me coming and moved out of the way.

The scene before me was nothing I had expected, but then again, I wasn’t expecting anything. If I had expected something, it wouldn’t have been this.

Angela was sitting on the bed, knees curled up to her chest. She hugged her legs to her tightly. Her head rested on her knees. Her hair was a mess and her face was white as a ghost. Her face was puffy from crying and her cheeks were riddled with tears. My mother sat at the edge of the bed, looking at her sadly. Kleenex was strewn about over the bed. I was paralyzed for a moment, unable to move. I had never seen Angela look the way she did now and it was debilitating.

Both of them looked up when I entered the room. Angela’s head rose a bit and she immediately broke down, “Brian.”

I went to her, rushing around the bed, sitting down, and taking her up to my arms. She clung to me eagerly, crying into my shoulder.

“I’m here baby,” I said softly, rubbing her back. “I’m here.”

My heart started to ache terribly. I could feel that her midsection was considerably smaller as I pulled her to me tightly. It hit me then. Everything just dumped onto me. My child was no longer here. My child was dead.

I closed my eyes, feeling them start to burn. I couldn’t hold them in. Tears fell freely from my eyes, my chest tightened, and I squeezed Angela to me tighter.

“Oh God,” I cried. I had never felt a pain that immense in all of my life. I felt like it would never stop.

She tried speaking through her tears, “I couldn’t stop myself. I slipped and I couldn’t stop. I tried grabbing onto something, but there wasn’t anything to grab onto…”

“Shh, shh,” I tried stopping her, but she wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry Brian, I’m so sorry!” she was crying uncontrollably, her chest heaving. I grabbed her and pulled her to me again, rocking her, “It’s not your fault, Angela. It’s not your fault.”

We sat there not saying a word, crying, and clinging to one another. I could hear my mother get up and walk quietly to the door, shutting it behind her in the same manner. I buried my head into Angela’s shoulder and held her tightly. It felt like if I let her go, I would lose her too, and then I would have no family at all.

How could this happen?

That night and the next day, we stayed in bed together. We didn’t get much sleep, but only laid there in silence, crying off and on from time to time. I held her to me close as much as possible. There were times when she would drift to sleep and I’d stay up and watch her, lightly stroking her cheek. It was then that I realized that I didn’t know how to handle this sort of situation. It wasn’t something I had expected to happen, it wasn’t something I had ever experienced, it wasn’t something that I was accustomed to knowing how to handle. Me being the husband, me being a man, I have to step up to the plate. But how? How can I be the strong one and pull us together to get through this when all I want to do is block myself out from the world forever? How am I supposed to do that when I have this much pain inside of me?

Two days later, Angela and I were lying in bed, facing each other, and just looking at one another silently. Angela had fresh tears on her face. She spoke softly, “Brian.”

“Yeah baby?” I asked, moving hair out of her face and behind her ear.

“What do we do?”

I searched her face, trying to figure out what I needed to say, and how I was going to say it.

“How do we get past this?” It was the first intelligible and rational question and statement she had said in the past couple of days, and it brought a new sadness to me. It was as if she were no longer in denial of what happened.

“Well,” I began. It sounded more of a croak, my throat dry and tight. I cleared my throat and continued, “We stay together and in time we’ll heal.”

She could only look at me and I continued, “Things will get better.”

She retained her composure for a little while yet and then her face scrunched up and tears started pouring once again. Her body shook and her hands raised to cover her face. My own face softened and I moved towards her, bringing her to me closely.

“How can they get better? I don’t see how this pain can ever go away. It’s so deep and it hurts so much,” she looked up at me. “I’m a terrible mother.”

I shook my head quickly, “Angela, no. There was absolutely nothing you could have done.”

She sighed exasperated, looking away from me. I gently grabbed her face and turned it back to look at mine, “Hey, look at me.” She reluctantly looked back into my eyes, “There was nothing you could do. It was an accident, okay? An accident. You did nothing wrong.”

She pursed her lips together and lightly nodded, afterwards leaning her head to rest on my chest.

---

Present Day

Brian's View

After that, the funeral had happened. That seemed to me the hardest part. Seeing this little coffin go into the ground with a life inside of it that never got to experience anything. I had tried to support Angela as best as I could physically. I had never seen her cry so hard before in all the years that I had known her. There was a pain inside of her that had never been tapped before and it was unleashed like a violent hurricane. She couldn’t control her body and she nearly collapsed several times. I tried to stay strong for the sake of Angela and for the sake of everyone else, but I broke down too.

We had both agreed to wait to see what the sex of the baby was until it was born. When the baby was removed from Angela, of course it was clearly revealed. It was a baby girl. Her name would have been Isabelle, after Angela’s great grandmother.

Isabelle, my baby.

Knowing that my child was in a wooden box inside of the ground seemed to cement the entire ordeal for me. It made it real. It was after that moment that Angela and I began to drift apart. To me, her heart and her life seemed to have died with Isabelle and nothing that I could have done could change anything.

The months following were terrible. Angela lost her job and I had to pull extra hours at the office. We spent less time together as a result and when we did see each other we didn’t talk much. Angela cried daily and though time seemed to start to heal my heart, it seemed to have no affect on her. She was stuck in a place that she couldn’t get out of and nothing I said or did helped. We tried therapy, but it didn’t work, I tried trips to Europe and to Hawaii to get her mind off things, but that didn’t work either.

We started fighting over little things that we never would have fought over before. We were both stressed and pushed to both our limits and though I know it wasn’t really either of our faults, I deep down blamed her. She seemed to have given up, not only on me, but on her life. She was downcast, sad, and lifeless constantly, and she was beginning to bring me down. This wasn’t the woman that I fell in love with. This wasn’t the woman I married and because of that, I grew bitter.

Everyday became torture. One particular moment still stays with me, because it was the first time I knew that we weren’t okay. It was the first time I knew that things weren’t going to get better.

6 Months Ago

I looked up from my food at Angela across from me at the table. We sat in silence. All small conversation seemed awkward now and we tended to shy away from that. I watched as she avoided eye contact with me, chewing slowly.

I licked my lips and set my fork down. I hated this silence. I hated this awkwardness. I cleared my throat and asked, “How was your day honey?”

She shrugged, no emotional change on her face.

“Do anything fun?” I asked, trying to push for some sort of conversation.

She shook her head, “Not really, just laundry.”

I nodded, feeling a little defeated. I took a few more bites and still looked at her.

“This is great Angie,” I stated. She looked up at me, “What is?”

I motioned at the food and said, “Dinner.”

She smiled slightly at me, “Thanks.”

I couldn’t help but smile slightly back. She didn’t smile often, so when she did, I took it all in, thinking that it may never happen again.

After a few more minutes of silence, she got up and went to the sink. She dumped her extra food in the trash and began washing dishes. I sighed. We used to wait to do dishes until we were both done. We used to talk for a long time before we even attempted at cleaning up, but now, it’s automatic for her. She goes on without me.

She washed them in silence as I continued to finish my dinner. Suddenly, she slammed one of the dishes in the sink, shattering it. I jumped, startled. I looked up finding her bracing herself on the counter, her head down, her breathing steady. Soap suds covered her forearms. I got up slowly and walked up behind her. I gently rested my hand on her lower back, but she pulled away from me. I was taken aback by that action.

“Angela…”

“I don’t want to talk Brian,” she said flatly, grabbing a towel and quickly drying her hands.

“But-“

“I’ll clean this up later,” she said, and then she walked past me and into the living room. I looked after her dumbfounded. I followed her rapidly, “Angela, stop.”

I reached out and gently grabbed her arm. She once again pulled away from me. Her eyes startled me. They were so full of sadness.

“I’m fine. I’m tired, and I just want to sleep.”

I looked at her sadly for a few moments, finally nodding slowly. I said softly, “Alright, goodnight honey.”

She turned away and started walking up the stairs.

“I love you,” I said. And for the first time since we’ve known each other, she didn’t say it back.

Present Day

Watching her walk away from me like that without acknowledging what I had said to her was unsettling and it hurt me deeply. I knew that we were both upset over Isabelle but that was the first time that I was actually worried about us and our marriage. Our famous arguments began after that day, and they never seemed to stop.

She tried to deter our arguments by attempting to hide her crying, but it never worked. I could hear her cry softly while she washed dishes after dinner or when she took a shower in the morning. I could hear her at night or down in the living room. It made me incredibly sad, but I slowly stopped trying to comfort her. I just stopped. There was only so much that I could do and it seemed that I was wasting time and energy on it. She never responded and she never listened. It’s like she didn’t need me anymore and I began to resent it.

We had stopped having sex, and lord knows we were always passionate about that. We would attempt but she’d start crying in the middle of it or look far off and bored even, where I’d have to stop. She used to apologize, but after awhile she stopped even that. We’d just roll over to our separate sides of the bed and go to sleep, unsatisfied.

Her kisses became lifeless and we became less affectionate with each other period. Each day we grew further apart. There was no longer any communication. We no longer tried.

All of these factors put a major strain on our relationship. We were a couple that we no longer recognized. We weren’t who we used to be. We were two people madly in love with each other, but unable to support one another in the way that we needed supporting. It wasn’t out of not understanding, it was out of exhaustion and bitterness at the cards dealt to us.

And then one night about a year later, the wide array of emotions that had been building up from day one exploded, and our fairytale romance had crumbled into ash.

---

1 Month Ago

Brian's View

I closed the car door and hurried to the front door. I could see my breath billow out in front of my face. I hated the cold so I tried my hardest to spend as little time as possible in it. I fiddled with my keys to find the right one, not taking the time to notice that the living room light was on. Opening the door, I immediately realized that not all was normal.

I closed the door and walked towards the light coming from the living room. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find. I expected Angela to be asleep. It was two in the morning and she rarely ever stayed up late anymore, especially to this hour. I didn’t even have time to take off my jacket. I stopped abruptly when I saw Angela sitting across the room on one of the sofas, facing the window. She was in her pajama pants and tank top, with a light sweater. She didn’t turn to look at me until a few moments later when I spoke up, “Angie, baby, what are you doing up? You okay?”

I tentatively moved towards her. She looked over at me and a clear emotion that I had all but been familiar with lately greeted me. It was more intense though. It was actually a bit unsettling.

“Where have you been?” she stated.

“Out with the guys to get a drink,” I replied. “You knew this.”

“2 in the morning Brian? 2 in the fucking morning? You didn’t tell me that! I’ve been up worrying about you.”

I didn’t really know how to respond. I started to move back to the entry way, beginning to take off my coat to hang.

“I’m here Angela, I’m fine,” I replied. I could hear her get up from the couch and follow me.

“But I’m not Brian. You can’t just go out with your buddies and not tell me what’s going on. You could have been in a car accident or something.”

I rolled my eyes at her, which probably wasn’t the best idea, “I haven’t been out in months Angela. Cut me some slack. I needed to get out okay? Sorry if I didn’t inform you of my every move.”

“I need to get out too! Just because you feel that our lives are shit and that you feel the need to exclude me from things you’re doing, doesn’t make it anymore right. You could have at least called.”

“You’re upset over nothing. I went out, gave you some time alone, and now I’m home. No harm, no foul. And I’m not excluding you, that’s just ridiculous.”

She crossed her arms across her chest and glared at me, “So now I’m being ridiculous?”

I groaned, “Will you stop twisting my words!? Not everything is about you Angela!”

She looked at me a little shocked, “Is that what you think I’m doing? You think that just because you weren’t here to shower me with attention, I got all bent out of shape? Oh, you must be right. It is all about me. Me, me, me, me, ME!”

As she yelled the last part she started walking away and I followed her angrily.

“Don’t walk away from this Angela. You started this bullshit, so now we have to finish it.”

She turned on me, “It’s not bullshit Brian! This is our life and you’re brushing it off like it’s not a big deal.”

“Where are you getting this? You’re pulling this crap out of your ass and you know it. Stop trying to move away from what’s really bothering you.”

“And what’s bothering me Brian? The fact that you can’t give me the consideration and respect of just letting me know what’s going on with you so I don’t have to worry?”

“No, the fact that you blame me for not being there when it happened.”

Her eyes narrowed, “Screw you.”

I let out a harsh laugh, throwing my hands up in the air, “Oh, please do! Cause lord knows I haven’t gotten any in fucking months!”

She rolled her eyes and began walking away from me, “You’re pathetic and immature.”

I followed her into the kitchen, “I’m pathetic and immature? And what are you? A saint? You’re my wife Angela! My wife! Act like it!”

“What, serve your every wish? Be your sex slave? Let you do whatever the fuck you want?”

“Act like a descent human being for one,” I laughed harshly. “You know, I don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re not who you used to be.”

“And you are? Don’t be a hypocrite Brian. You stopped caring a long time ago.”

“So did you. You can’t push this all on me. I at least tried.”

“Not hard enough! You abandoned me!” When she screamed those last words at me, it felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I wasn’t expecting her to say anything close to that.

I lowered my voice, “Abandoned you? Is that what you think I did?”

I could see the tears start to well up in her eyes, “You abandoned me! You left me to fend for myself when I needed you.”

“I didn’t abandon you Angela. I never left. It was YOU who left.”

“What are you talking about?” Tears were beginning to fall down her cheeks.

“I was there for you in the beginning. I did everything in my power to make you happy. Everything! But it wasn’t enough. You stopped caring. You stopped trying. You stopped needing me.”

“I didn’t! How can you not understand that this is hard for me!?”

“She was my fucking daughter too Angela!” I screamed, leaning in towards her, pointing at myself.

She flinched, taken aback at what I just said. I lowered my voice again, “Isabelle was my daughter too. Everything that you have felt and feel, I still feel. You’re so fucking blind to not even consider me in all of this. Were you ever there for me? Do you even care how drained I am from all this?”

She didn’t say anything for a minute. She was searching to find the words to say and when she said them, my heart broke, “It’s different with me Brian. You didn’t carry her around for 7 months to have her torn away from you! I can’t believe you’re trying to turn this all around on you. You weren’t there.”

My anger then reached a breaking point. All reason and comprehension disappeared from my already foggy mind. How dare she pour salt into an already open wound, “No, Angela, I wasn’t! And thanks for rubbing it in my face once again. You’ve made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t fucking there! But what does it matter, according to you, I’m still not here!”

“You aren’t,” she cried.

“Well, neither are you,” I growled.

“Then why are you still here?” she was becoming incomprehensible through her tears. The anger that was building inside through this entire ordeal finally escaped, “Yeah, why the fuck am I still here? You don’t want me. I don’t even know if I want you.”

I was done. I couldn’t handle this anymore. I turned and walked back to the living room towards the stairwell. She tried following after me and I could hear her stumble, “Fine then! Leave! That’s what you seem to be best at! Just run away from your problems! Just run away from me!”

I ignored her and continued to our room. She didn’t follow. I threw my clothes and belongings into a couple of duffle bags quickly and rushed down the stairs. As I opened the front door, I glanced to my right to see Angela crouched against the wall, her head in her arms crying. The light from the living room made the diamonds from her wedding ring sparkle.

It took all my strength to tear my eyes away and to leave the house. But I did, slamming the door behind me.

Brian's View

I stared down at my left hand intently, twisting the wedding band around my finger. I hated this. I hated how we fought or that we even fought at all. I hated the things that I had said to her. I was angry and things flew out of my mouth without a second thought, and I regretted it. But did she? Did she really not want me anymore?

Melissa’s View

It had been two days since Brian had made his surprise visit and Angela was none the wiser. The combination of losing Isabelle and then losing Brian has been incredibly hard on her. She had confided in Ben and I before their big falling out. She was upset because of how bad things had gotten between the two of them. She loved him dearly and she felt fault in their ever growing gap between them. She blamed herself for everything. For losing Isabelle and for pushing Brian away. I know now that she must be feeling loneliness never felt before among any of us. I don’t think she realized how much she needed Brian until he wasn’t there anymore.

Ben looked down at his cup of coffee in the kitchen. I glanced over at him and he raised his eyes to meet mine. He knew without me saying anything what needed to be done. Angela wasn’t getting up or making any progress in getting better. We had tried everything we knew how but we were failing. We didn’t know what else to do but call him.

Brian’s View

I glanced from my ring to the cell phone vibrating on the table next to me. Without much emotion, I got up and without looking at who was calling, answered.

“Hello?”

“Brian, it’s Melissa,” she sounded a bit uneasy, as if she didn’t know how I’d respond. I was confused to say the least.

“Uh, hi Mel, what’s going on?” I asked, sitting back down on the bed.

“It’s just, it’s Angela,” she replied. I became a little nervous, “Is she okay?”

“Eh… not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that she needs you,” she cleared her throat and continued, “When you came over before, Angie was home.”

I was more confused, “Wha-“

“She’s been home for weeks.”

“I don’t understand.”

“She hasn’t left the house since you left. She hasn’t even gotten out of bed. Ben and I have been over nearly everyday to try and get her up, but she won’t budge. We don’t know what to do anymore. We thought it would be best to keep you away, to see if she could heal without you there, but she’s not. She misses you and she needs you. We can’t help her Brian.”

I was speechless. A bit of relief washed over me when I heard the words of her needing me, but then anger quickly set in. How dare they keep this information from me.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked angrily. “She’s my wife for God’s sake.”

She was a little taken aback and she fumbled over her words, “Brian, I.. we, we just thought that-“

I cut her off, “I don’t want to hear it. As grateful as I am that you've been taking care of her, you should have told me.”

Melissa quickly interjected, "You left her Brian. How do you think this all started?"

My anger subsided a little bit, realizing the resounding truth in that statement. I was partially responsible and it was nonesense to push blame onto anyone else. I sighed, "You're right Mel. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize to me. You need to come talk to her."

"I'm already out the door," I said, gathering my keys and wallet.

"Me and Ben are leaving here in a few to give you guys some privacy," she said. As I exited the room and rushed to my car, I quickly told her thanks and hung up.

I drove as quickly as possible to our home. The home that I hadn’t stayed in weeks. My life was in that house and I had been stripped of that. I parked in front of the double doors, noticing that neither Ben nor Melissa’s cars were there. I entered the house and was greeted by complete silence. It was eerie really. It was unwelcoming.

Instead of rushing up the stairs, I took time to glance in the living room. Nothing had changed and nothing had been moved. Not even the flower vase that I always moved so I could see the TV. I’d have to move it every night, and Angela, sometime during the day before I got home, or even before we’d go to bed, would move it back. But it wasn’t moved back when I looked at it. I had been watching TV the night I went out with AJ and the boys. I remember watching ESPN and having to slightly move the vase to the left to see the TV clearly. It was still in that place now. Angela hadn’t been down to move it back.

I tore my eyes away from the living room table to the stairs. There was still silence. I slowly made my way up, slightly cringing at the boards creaking beneath me. I felt like I didn’t belong. It felt like it wasn’t even my house.

I made my way down the corridor to the bedroom door. It was closed and I lightly put my ear to the door. I listened for a few moments and heard nothing. I gently grabbed a hold of the door handle and turned, slowly pushing the door open. The room was dark, but the light trying to push through the closed curtains made the room glow a bit.

I noticed a few pictures had been taken off the wall, setting the symmetry off balance. My eyes traveled to the bed. The sheets were strewn about and a bump was seen under the covers. She was facing the wall on her side and she didn’t take the time to acknowledge that the door had opened.

I moved towards the bed slowly, taking care not to startle her. I stopped when my foot came in contact with a crinkled piece of paper. I bent down and picked it up, smoothing it out. Angela’s handwriting jumped up at me. Glancing over it, I found them to be lyrics, and my heart dropped at their words.

Grace

I’m on my knees,
Only memories,
Are left for me to hold

Don’t know how,
But I’ll get by,
Slowly pull myself together

There’s no escape,
So keep me safe,
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily,
Fill this empty space,
Nothing is like it seems,
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold,
Loneliness unfold,
Like from another world

Come what may,
I won’t fade away,
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily,
Fill this empty space,
Nothing is like it was,
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily,
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace,
I’ve lost everything.
I just want to feel your embrace.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you

My eyes blurred and I swallowed hard, lowering the paper. I looked over at the unmoving figure on the bed. How could I have been such a fool?

As I moved around the bed, I saw that she wasn’t asleep. I set down the paper and saw that she was staring at the wall intently. She was deep in thought and sadness was etched all over her face. Though I know I had to have come into her peripheral vision, she didn’t look over at me.

I slowly crouched down in front of her, my heart aching inside of my chest. Seeing her this way broke my heart and I blamed myself for putting her in this position. Her eyes switched to look at my face, but she didn’t seem to be surprised that it was me sitting in front of her. She didn’t say a word, but only looked. Recognition appeared on her face, and she seemed to have grown sadder.

I croaked when I first began to speak, but quickly cleared my throat. I talked softly, “Angela, sweetheart.”

I gently stroked her cheek and put a bit of hair behind her ear.

“I’m here, honey,” I still spoke with the same softness. I was trying my hardest to keep my composure. She quickly broke down, tears seeping out of her eyes.

“You left me,” she whispered. The tears that I was holding back broke free when she said those words. I nodded, quickly grabbing her hand and squeezing it tight, “I know baby and I shouldn’t have. I’m an idiot. I reacted in a way I shouldn’t have. I was just angry and with everything that happened…” I paused, searching her face. “I miss you Angela.”

She didn’t respond, but only continued crying. She didn’t move to remove her hand from my grasp, which seemed a good sign. I looked around the room, at the tissues and the empty glasses. I tried wiping my tears away, but a few kept slipping by.

“Why didn’t you call me love? I would have been here in an instant,” I said, looking back at her. She slowly sat up and looked down at me, “I didn’t know if you would come. You said you didn’t want me anymore.”

I shook my head, “I want you Angela, like I’ve always wanted you. I didn’t mean the things that I said. It was a situation that shouldn’t have happened.”

She stared at me intently a few moments longer and then softly said, “How did we get here? How did we end up this way?”

I got up and took a seat next to her. I still held her hand in mine and I brought it to my lips and softly kissed her fingertips. I looked over at her sadly, shaking my head slowly, “I don’t know sweetheart.”

She started to cry a little harder, “I hurt so much inside Brian.”

She leaned into me and I quickly put my arm around her, hugging her to me close.

“I do too honey. It won’t ever let up. It’s been eating away at me for over a year and I want it to stop. Not having you there with me only made things worse Angie.”

She looked up at me, sniffling, “Having you not here made it worse too. I didn’t realize how much I needed you and how much you helped me until you weren’t there anymore.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I could feel her body move as she breathed in and out. I closed my eyes and relished it. I had forgotten how soft her skin was and how comforting her voice could be.

“What do you think our lives would be like if Isabelle were here?”

I opened my eyes to see her staring at me sadly. I squeezed her gently, “Better.”

She nodded as if she already knew the answer. Her hand went to her stomach and I could hear her begin to cry again.

“Angela, please don’t,” I replied. She tried sniffling back her tears but it only seemed to make things worse, “Don’t what? Cry?”

She sat up, shying away from me.

“It’s upsetting, I don’t want to see you hurting,” I said. She let out a small laugh, “You watched me hurting for months and didn’t seem to care.”

I looked at her hurt, not understanding where this was coming from all of a sudden, “Angie, we were having a civil conversation, don’t bring it down.”

She stood up, looking down at me. I think the realization of me actually being here in front of her just hit her, and everything seemed to rush back, “It’s always me bringing us down is it? Then why did you come here?”

I stood up, anger growing inside of me, “Because I care about you!”

“If you cared, you wouldn’t have left!”

I yelled in frustration, clenching my fists, “You’re impossible Angela! You don’t listen to me!” I raised my hands, running my fingers through my hair.

“You left me Brian,” she said more quietly. I turned towards her once again, “And I shouldn’t have, I know this. It was just too overwhelming.”

“But you don’t turn and walk away from me, you talk to me,” she said. I laughed, “Easier said than done.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked defensively.

“It means you’re not the best person to ‘talk’ to. You shut me out Angela.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did, maybe you didn’t realize it, but you did. I was there for you until you stopped caring, I was there for you even a little after that, but you became so cold towards me Angela. I gave up.”

She looked at me sadly, “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

“I did Angela! How many fucking times do I have to tell you, I did! Why didn’t you fight for ME?”

She flinched, a few tears escaping her eyes, “Because I didn’t have the strength to.”

Her words cut through my already present wounds, “I didn’t have strength either, but at least I tried.”

“What did you want me to do Brian?” she cried.

“Try!”

“I did! We did! We went to therapy…”

“Therapy was bullshit Angela, you know that. You didn’t listen to them, and neither did I.”

She shook her head, “If only you didn’t work so often.”

I barked out a harsh laugh, “Don’t fucking blame me working too much on this.”

“But it’s true! You were never there anymore!”

“What the hell did you want me to do Angela? You got fired and someone had to pay the bills!”

She was crying hard and she tried desperately to wipe them away, “Stop yelling Brian!”

I threw my hands up in exasperation, “Jesus Angie, I don’t know what to do!”

She didn’t say anything, but slowly sat back down on the bed. I looked down at her, heaving from frustration. I slowly began to calm down and my anger dissipated again. I croaked, “I don’t know what to do.”

She continued crying, looking down at her hands.

“I hate fighting with you. I hate yelling…” I stopped. “I hate this.”

She looked up at me, “Don’t you think that I hate this too?”

She was breaking my heart all over again. I had never felt so much pain than I did when I was with her.

“We used to be so happy.”

She tried sniffling her tears back, but only failed.

“Do you still want me Angela?”

She looked up at me, rolling her eyes slightly as if it were a dumb question, “Come on, Brian.”

I then said the words I had been dreading to say, the words that I never wanted to escape my lips. I stumbled over my words, trying to force them out, “Do you want a divorce?”

She looked at me taken aback, her eyes slightly wide and in shock, “No, Brian, I don’t want a divorce.”

“Then do you still want me Angela?”

There was a pause and then, “Do you want me?” she asked, staring at me intently. I sighed, trying to fight tears back, “God, yes.”

She licked her lips and she once again wiped the tears from her cheeks to only have them once again coated. She looked down at her hands, fiddling with her hands.

“I blame myself.”

I didn’t say anything. She looked up at me and repeated the words, “I blame myself.”

Her lip trembled and her hands were shaking, “I blame myself for everything. For Isabelle, for you, for me.”

My heart sank in my chest and I went and sat next to her. I reached for her hand but she pulled away, standing up and moving towards the wall.

“I pushed you away. I know that you’re hurting, I know that she’s your daughter too, but when I fell,” she paused, fresh tears beginning to take hold, “I felt nothing but her.”

I looked up at her sadly. She continued, “When I rolled down the stairs, I could only think of protecting her, and I couldn’t. There was just so much blood...”

She stopped again, trying to regain her composure, but failing, “I felt her struggling, I felt her pain.”

She was crying so hard, “Brian, I felt her die.”

Tears escaped my eyes and I immediately got up. I wrapped my arms around her and she didn’t pull back. I pulled her to me close. She gripped me tightly and her tears spread on my shirt. She cried into my shoulder, “I felt her die. She was there and then she wasn’t.”

I closed my eyes, resting my head on hers, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She shook her head, “I didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

I pulled back and put her head in my hands. She looked up at me expectantly. I leaned in and kissed her softly. When I pulled back, she pursed her lips and closed her eyes. I rubbed her temples softly, leaning my forehead onto hers.

“It’s not your fault Angie,” I said softly. “It’s not your fault.”

“Then why can’t I get past this guilt?”

“I can’t get past it either love,” I said. “And I doubt we ever fully will. We have to move on from this though, or else we’re not going to make it. We’re going to lose each other and we aren’t going to be able to find one another again.”

She looked up at me, understanding in her eyes.

“We have to try again,” I said. Fear crossed her face, “I don’t know if I can do that Brian.”

“Not now, but when you’re ready. When we’re both ready. ”

She slowly nodded. I continued, “We can’t let this ruin our lives.”

I pushed some of her hair back and she raised her hands to grasp my wrists. I slightly smiled for the first time since I got here. I looked over her face, relishing her under my fingers, “I missed you.”

She looked into my eyes, “I missed you.”

“I love you, Angela, forever, you know that?”

She nodded.

I pulled her towards me again and wrapped her in another large hug, “I love you so much.”

I kissed her cheek and then rested my head against hers, closing my eyes. Her next words were barely audible, but yet so full of emotion. She whispered, “I still want you. I never stopped wanting you.” She paused, burying her head into my neck, “I love you and I’m sorry.”

I frowned, “I’m sorry, too.”

We stood there in silence, holding one another, not moving. We were closer than we had been in months, and for that I was grateful. I took it as a step forward. We had a long way to go, and we were still going to have problems, but I knew at that moment that things were going to be okay. We would never fully heal because that would be forgetting Isabelle altogether. At least now, Angela and I could try and heal as much as we could together. At least now we can start to have our lives back.


The lyrics in this chapter are originally Kate Havnevik's 'Grace'.

3 Years Later

Brian's View

I leaned back on the picnic table, staring up at the tree above me. The green leaves rustled from the summer breeze. As the leaves fluttered, sun light sparkled through. I breathed in deeply, closing my eyes, smiling.

Peace. That’s what I felt. That’s what I smiled about. There was peace in my life.

I lowered my head and opened my eyes. I looked at the playground in front of me. Kids ran around screaming and playing. The squeaks of the swings echoed through the air. Parents sat off to the side, reading books or talking to one another. A few active parents joined their children in the festivities. Others were trying desperately to gather their kids up to go home and were only greeted by cries or cold shoulders.

I scanned the scene before me, looking for the signature glint of blonde hair I knew so well. I spotted her then. She was wearing a baby blue babydoll dress with flip flops. Her hair glistened in the sun as she moved, stray strands falling into her face. Her smile was large and genuine. Her smile meant happiness. Her smile meant peace.

She bent down and picked up a bundle from the baby swings. The little boy in her arms clung to her. She held him lovingly, rubbing his back. Her lips moved as if she were telling him what they were going to do next. Her smile never left her lips.

She moved away from the swings, carefully dodging running children. When she reached the grass, she bent down and put the little boy on the ground. He looked around inquisitively as she pulled down his shirt over his chubby belly, and readjusted his baseball cap. She grabbed his little hand and began walking towards me. The little boy wobbled a little but he was doing well. He had improved so much.

The little boy couldn’t keep his attention on any one thing for long. He looked around, staring at things with a look of wonder. He stopped and bent down, attempting to pull a clump of grass out. The woman laughed, bending down and grabbing the grass from his grasp. She pulled him along and he reluctantly hobbled forward.

She looked up at me then and smiled, putting hair behind her ear. She then glanced back down at the little boy, bending down. She said something to him and then pointed in my direction. I leaned forward on my knees, waving at him as he looked over at me. His four toothed mouth smiled at me.

I heard the woman say, “Go to daddy.”

She let go of his hand and let him come to me. He tried running, his hands slightly in the air. I couldn’t help but grin and laugh as he clumsily came toward me. I stood up, opening my arms for him. When he got close enough, I scooped him up, holding him above my head. He giggled wildly. I brought him down and held him to my side, “Hello there mister.”

I kissed his cheek but he seemed to have lost interest in me. He pointed up above him to the leaves in the tree, leaning back extensively. I grabbed a hold of him tighter.

The woman came up and kissed me on the lips, then turned her attention to her nearly 1 and half year old child. She pulled his shirt down again over his belly. She laughed, “I think we need to get him a bigger shirt.”

I smiled at her, “Nah, he’s just trying to catch the ladies attention you know.”

“Oh yeah?”

I nodded, “Oh yeah, I taught him everything he knows.”

She laughed, rolling her eyes, “That explains a lot.”

I set the boy down on the blanket. He immediately crawled toward his toys and began playing with them. The woman had sat down on the bench and I took a seat next to her.

“You know what?”

“What?”

I leaned back on the picnic table and motioned out towards the park, “I own this park.”

“Is that so?” she laughed.

“Yep.”

“The trees and everything?”

“Yep, every last strand of grass.”

“Fascinating,” she said, trying to sound serious.

“Definitely,” I said, smiling at her. “Oh, and you see that fountain over there?”

She looked to where I was pointing and nodded, “What about it?”

“Totally made in my honor.”

“That’s incredible!” she exclaimed.

“You’re telling me!”

“And the pond?”

“All mine.”

“Seriously?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. I looked at her, grinning. I then said, “No.”

“What?”

“I’m kidding.”

“Liar.”

“Nope, I am. I don’t own this park, sadly to say.”

“Not even the fountain and pond?”

I shook my head, “Closet I got is a handmade pool.”

She laughed, leaning in to kiss me, “I’d take the handmade pool any day.”

“I’d take you any day love,” I said, winking at her. She looked down at the little boy and chuckled. I looked to where she was looking and began laughing too.

“I think we wore Christian out,” she said. Christian was lying on his stomach, splayed out. He still gripped a chewing toy in his hand, but his eyes were closed and he was breathing steadily.

“And this one?” I asked, resting my hand on her round growing belly. She put her hand over mine and looked at me smiling, “Not yet.”

I grabbed her hand and squeezed. We stared at each other for a few moments, and then I said, “Thank you.”

“For what?” she asked.

“Everything,” I replied softly. She squeezed my hand and leaned in for another kiss. I met her half way, touching her lips softly. I slightly pulled back, our lips still nearly touching, “Tell me you love me.”

I could feel her lips turn into a smile, “I love you, Brian.”

I grinned, “Damn straight.”

She giggled and I planted another quick kiss on her. Though I would have left it at the ‘damn straight’, I couldn’t help myself, “I love you too, Angela. Always have, always will.”

She looked at me with so much love her in eyes. She reached her free hand over to my knee and rubbed it gently.

“I know.”

She scooted closer to me, linking her hand with mine. She rested her head on my shoulder. I turned my head to kiss the top of her head, and then leaned my head on hers. I closed my eyes and breathed in.

This is what I had been longing for. This was my happiness. This was our dream.

This was our peace.

Brian and Angela, Angela and Brian. Two people that made it through the darkness. Two people forever madly and hopelessly in love.