Prologue

Nick stood ram-rod straight, overwhelmed by the energy of the crowd. For that brief moment where they all stood on the platform, Nick could not take his eyes away from the sea of nameless faces in front of him. After fifteen years of ups and downs and highs and lows, it never ceased to amaze him.

"Walking along the sky, chasing a glimpse of you..."

Nick watched Brian work the crowd effortlessly singing to the smiling faces in front of him. As Nick went through the choreography that had become second nature to him, his mind drifted. These three men in his life were more than bandmates or friends, they were his family. These last few months on the road with the people who meant the most to him had been exactly what he needed. But sometimes, it wasn't enough.

"You don't have to be afraid of somebody else's touch
Just give me a chance to prove just how you should be loved..."

AJ's raspy voice knocked Nick out of his reverie. He couldn't help but feel a lump in his throat every time he watched AJ perform. It was amazing to him, everything AJ had accomplished. Nick didn't know if he would be quite as strong as AJ. When he really thought about it, he realized how much AJ had overcome.

Sometimes, he wondered if he was headed down the same path that AJ went down a few years ago. Even though he tried to be strong and take on as much as he could, sometimes the pressure was too much to take. His family was a mess, he'd been slandered in the press more times than he cared to count and the success of this album was something that he was banking on. He knew that he should look to AJ to see just how bad things could become, but internally, he just couldn't handle it all. He needed something, some place in his mind where he could go forget it all. So he ignored it.

Just one more time...after tonight, I'm done.

Chapter One

The air was thick and hot with writhing, sweaty bodies moving on the dance floor. Nick threw his head back, closed his eyes and let the thumping bass line overtake him. He welcomed the cool air that blew on his flushed face from the vent above. His ears picked up bits and pieces of conversation around him but he zoned it out. His head was swimming and he willed himself to stay upright and not let the darkness consume him. You can do this, Nick, you can handle it, he tried to convince himself.

He wanted everything and everyone around him to stop. Stop moving, stop talking, stop doing, stop being – just stop.

********************************************

“Nick! Open up! We’ve gotta get out of here in twenty minutes. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing in there, but get up – now.” AJ’s booming voice through the door cut through the dull pain throbbing in Nick’s head.

“Dude, I’m serious. Get up!”

After a few moments with no response, “I’m comin’ in.” The door swung open and AJ bounced into the room and frowned when he saw Nick’s pale face. Nick sleepily opened his blue eyes and then closed his eyes from the offending sunlight.

“You look like shit. Late night again?” AJ’s voice was grating in his head.

“No. Just tired.” Nick grunted in response and turned his face into the pillow. AJ stared at Nick for a long moment and sighed. When was he going to learn?

“You’ve been ‘just tired’ for the past few weeks. What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on. I told you, I’m tired. Leave me alone.” Nick covered his head with the blanket, promptly ending any further conversation.

“Don’t give me that crap. I know you’re lying and I can see a hangover from a mile away.”

“I asked you to leave me alone.”

“Don’t do that, Nick. Talk to me.”

Nick grunted again, “Get the fuck out of my room.” Sighing in defeat, AJ stepped back and walked out the door, slamming the door for good measure. Nick winced at the sound and peeled the heavy blanket from his body.

He didn’t know what time he was supposed to be meeting the other guys and he didn’t know where, but he did know one thing; today was not going to be a good day. He reluctantly heaved himself off the bed and staggered into the bathroom, hoping that a shower would clear his foggy brain.

********************************************

“Hey buddy. Where’s Nick? Did you wake him up?” Brian inquisitive blue eyes immediately softened at the sight of AJ’s slumped shoulders. “What’s up? Why the long face? Nail polished get chipped?”

“You think you’re so funny, don’t you? Well, you’re not and you’re getting on my nerves. So lay off.”

“Sorry. I was just playin’ with ya, dude. What happened?”

“Nick. That’s what happened.” AJ paused, looking at Brian sadly. “I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s a mess this morning. He looks like shit and he barely acknowledged me except to tell me to get the fuck out of his room. He just pissed me off. Sorry, bud, I didn’t mean to snap at you. That kid, sometimes, he just pisses me off.”

“It’s just a thing he’s going through right now. He’ll get over it, he usually does. His family is particularly wacked at the moment and he’s just dealing with it in his own way. Don’t worry, Aje, he’ll come around. Give him a few more weeks to adjust to being back on the road and he’ll be fine.”

“Who will be fine? What’s the matter now?” Howie approached Brian and AJ.

“It’s Nick. He’s acting like an ass again and he won’t talk to me and when I went to see him this morning, he blew me off.”

“Maybe he just needs some time to get used to being on tour again.” Howie offered.

“I know, that’s what I said, but Bone thinks that there’s more to it than that.”

“You guys don’t understand, I know that look in his eyes. He’s done, I just know it and if you two are gonna sit here and do noth-”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”

AJ brown eyes looked up into Nick’s. “We’re just looking out for you, dude. What’s going on? You can talk to us.”

“I’m not a baby. I can fucking take care of myself. Thank you very much.” Nick stalked ahead into the elevator.