- 2003 -

“Good morning beautiful! How are you?” Leighanne Littrell, bright and bubbly as always, asked as I answered the phone with a yawn.

“Exhausted, but good,” I smiled. “Calling to make sure I didn’t go into labor?” I laughed.

“That and I wanted you to know that Nick is here…just incase you were worried,” she sounded sympathetic. I envied Leighanne. She had an amazing husband. My baby was about to be born and my husband hardly ever came home to spend time with me. I knew we had agreed to get married when I got pregnant. We knew my family would never be happy and we both knew the media would get a hay day out of it.

“Thanks, Leigh,” I sighed. “Has he been there the whole morning?”

“He crashed here last night. Brian and he went out on the back patio for a while and then they came back in and he crashed on the sofa,” she explained softly. “Sarah, maybe you should come over and get him or something.” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes so I bit on the inside of my lip.

“He can come home if he wants,” I said shortly. “It seriously doesn’t even matter anymore.” I nestled the phone between my ear and my shoulder and started folding infant onesies to try and take my mind off the current situation.

“Sarah, that’s not true. You know it matters. I’m going to have Brian drive Nick home, alright?” She asked me.

“Fine,” I agreed. He had to come home sometime. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I wasn’t angry with Nick - I knew he hadn’t been out sleeping with some other women since he stayed at Leigh and Brian’s all night long. But still. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he want to come home to me every night? I continued to fold the clothes for the unborn baby. I was so excited to be pregnant. Growing up I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I first met Nick, I thought I was in love. He was the typical musician - totally infatuated with everything about being in a band. But I followed. I allowed him to walk all over me. I was the ‘perfect girlfriend’ to someone that wanted to fool around.

About fifteen minutes later I heard the front door swing open and then close. No words, just footsteps came up the stairs. I didn’t dare turn around to face him in the doorway. “Hey.” He mumbled. I turned to look at him, trying to hide the tears that had been in my eyes.

“Hi,” I mumbled back as I continued to fold the onesies.

“I’m gonna go work a little in the studio,” he managed to say and headed down the stairs into his studio-office. As soon as I heard the door close, I sat down in the rocking chair we had set up by the window and began to cry. I didn’t even know what to do anymore. It seemed like every time he came home he went into that studio of his. I knew it was his work, but I didn’t understand why he didn’t love me. I wanted to know but I was too afraid to ask. I looked at a picture of us on the wall from when we were really happy. I touched the picture, only to bring more tears to my eyes. I had to do something. I had to talk to him.

I waddled down the stairs to his studio. I knew he hated being bothered when he was in there, but I could never seem to catch him when he wasn’t in there. I knocked softly on the door to catch his attention. He glanced over and waved me in. “Everything okay?” He asked me, immediately assuming something was wrong.

“Not really, Nick,” I folded my arms over my stomach, tears still streaming down my face. A frown curved over his brow and he stood up to approach me.

“What’s wrong, Sar? Are you in labor?” He asked me worriedly, placing a hand on my belly to observe. I rolled my eyes and shook my head ‘no’, more tears pooling in my big brown eyes. “Well, what is it then?” He folded his arms over his chest defensively.

“Do you love me, Nick?” I asked him simply. I understand it was a pretty deep question, but that doesn’t mean it was a hard question. He should have been able to answer it in a matter of seconds.

“Did you seriously come down here to ask me that?” He sounded as if he was defending himself – as if I was trying to attack him or something. I shrugged and nodded.

“It shouldn’t be that difficult of a question. I need to know. Do you love me?” I asked again. He licked his lips and looked at the glass door I had just walked through.

“Of course,” he shrugged. He leaned in and pecked my cheek quickly and turned back to his recording equipment. It wasn’t good enough for me. He seemed far from sincere. I shook my head as a sob crawled up my throat.

“You’re ridiculous, Nick,” I mumbled and stalked out of the studio. I was shocked when I realized he was following me. I carefully hurried up the stairs to the master bedroom where I pulled out my suitcase and started piling the clothes in it. “Why the fuck did you marry me then, huh? You should have left me when I found out I was pregnant. That way you could sleep around with all the fucking sluts you wanted and I wouldn’t have to be hurting right now!” I yelled angrily, causing more tears to spill out my eyes.

“What the hell are you talking about, Sarah? Is this about last night? Because I was at Brian’s…I swear. You can call Leigh and ask her,” he tried to defend himself.

“Not just last night, Nick. It’s about every night. Every night that you don’t come home. Or better yet, every night you do come home and crawl in bed and turn away from me. I know how horny you are. Do you realize we haven’t had sex for seven months?! It’s like, as soon as I got fat you turned away from me or something,” I threw more clothes in a suitcase.

“Where are you going?” He didn’t try to argue me on the fact that we hadn’t had sex. I knew he was getting it from another source.

“Leighanne’s,” I mumbled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “And if you follow me, I’ll only run farther away. I don’t know what else to do.” I shrugged. “I’ve tried everything, Nick. And I’m tired. I can’t put up with this anymore.”

“You haven’t tried talking to me, Sarah. You haven’t brought this up at all,” he defended, folding his arms over his chest.

“You’re never around for me to bring it up!” I yelled back. “You’re always gone. Whether it be for work or just being out. You’re never here. Do you realize Brian and Leigh helped me set up the nursery? You were nowhere around. Our son is about to be born and I honestly don’t even feel like you love me…or him. I feel like I’m the only one that wants this baby. Do you realize how terrible of a feeling that is?”

He was silent. I assumed he hadn’t realized how much this was eating away at me. I muttered a goodbye and hurried back down the stairs. This time I knew he wasn’t following me. He had given up – like always. It wasn’t anything new. I would never expect Nick to follow me anyway.

- Present Day, 2008 -

“Connor Nickolas, get downstairs please! Mommy doesn’t have time for this today,” I called up the stairs and sighed heavily as I finished packing my five-year-old son’s lunch. “Remember that today Uncle Howie and Aunt Leigh are picking you up from school, alright?”

“Am I going to Daddy’s?” He asked me curiously. I sighed and knelt down in front of him, staring into those big blue eyes that got me every time. It was hard enough being divorced from Nick and still having to see him wherever we met to drop off Connor or whatever. Now my kid was practically his spitting image.

“Not today, buddy. Maybe this weekend, okay?” I didn’t want to get his hopes up. Nick had promised me he’d be around this weekend to take Connor for a little while, but I never held him to it. Nick hardly ever stopped by when he said he would. “Baby, do you want cookies for your snack today or a brownie?” I asked him as I peered into the pantry to pack up his afternoon snack for his kindergarten class.

“Brownies,” he said as he climbed his way up to the stool so he could watch me pack it up. “Hey momma?” He asked.

“Hmm?” I mumbled, not paying entirely the most attention as I hurried around the kitchen in my business attire, trying to get everything situated and packed up.

“You don’t have to call me baby anymore,” he placed his elbows on the granite counter top and his head in his hands. His words made me stop in my tracks and turn to look at him. “I’m a big boy now. I’m five.” He reminded me, making me chuckle. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him.

“I’m sorry,” I kissed his cheek. “I just can’t believe you’re growing up on me, kid. It feels like just yesterday you were my buddy and you were always home with me. I miss those days.” I felt tears well up in my eyes again. As much as I couldn’t stand being around Nick, I loved Connor more than anything in the world. And part of me appreciate Nick for giving me Connor. “Okay, enough lovey-dovey stuff.” I winked. “Grab your backpack and meet me out front. Do you have your ferry ticket?”

“Yep,” he grinned, showing me his first ever missing tooth gap. I grabbed everything I’d need for the day and followed him out. After everything had gone seriously wrong with Nick, I gave birth to Connor and moved to New Jersey. I had gotten a wonderful opportunity working for ABC with “Good Morning America”. It wasn’t anything too special, though. I researched occurrences all over the country and wrote up pieces on it for the anchors and producers to look over and, possibly, read on air. It all just fell into place. Thankfully for me, Howie and Leigh had ended up buying a home up here only months after I relocated with Connor and have helped me so much through everything.

“Okay kiddo, so tonight Jake’s going to come over for dinner. So Uncle Howie is going to bring you home around five,” I explained as I grasped his glove covered hand with mine and practically pulled him down the sidewalk towards the ferry station. Living in the city was entirely too expensive, so we lived on the other side of the river in New Jersey. We’d take the ferry every morning across the river and then walk to his school. Then I’d catch a taxi to the station.

Connor made a sour expression in my direction. “I don’t want Jake to come over.”

“Connor, Jake is a really nice guy and he really likes you a lot! Please give him a chance? For me?” I pouted playfully towards him, receiving a toothy grin in response. “See. Besides, I would never make you hang out with anyone I didn’t think was nice. He said he’d bring over his football and maybe you two could pass it around in the yard?”

“Really? Even in the snow?” Connor seemed shocked and I laughed. We handed our tickets to the ferry captain and boarded the boat. We went to the front end of the boat where Connor loved to watch as we approached the city. I zipped his winter coat up a bit more and kissed his cheek.

“Yes, even in the snow,” I laughed and watched his excitement come over him. Not only was I letting him do something I never gave into, but we were able to watch the city come to life at 8:00 in the morning. As we sat, I had time to think. I never could understand why Connor disliked my new boyfriend, Jacob Young, so much. Yes, Jacob Young as in the ABC soap opera “All My Children” actor. How I keep getting tangled up in celebrities, I’ll never know. I had met Jake when Connor was about a year and a half old. I had been working for ABC for only six months when he came to the studio.

”Sarah, if you could get a bottle of Evian out of the fridge, Jacob Young is in the green room waiting for his interview,” my boss, Alexia Reynolds, smiled as she popped her head into my cubicle.

“I’m on it,” I grinned back and hurried off to the break room. Usually our assignments, I had noticed, consisted of writing stories all day long, hoping to God that one of them made the on-air segment the next day. So when we had something else to do, we usually jumped on it.

I had only been at the station for six months and I was already dreading the day I’d run into Nick. I knew the day would eventually come around and I’d have to deal with it. So I was strangely excited every day when I found out the celebrity coming in was not my ex husband or one of his former band mates. I grabbed the bottle of Evian and hurried back to the green room.

“Hi Mr. Young, sorry for the wait,” I said politely like we were always instructed to do. “My name’s Sarah James and if there’s anything else I can get for you, please let me know.” I smiled and went to turn out of the room – usually the celebs wanted nothing more to do with us. I was quite used to it.

“Wait. Would that be Miss James? Or Mrs. James?” He winked as I turned around. It took everything inside of me not to step forward and slap him. I had been fooled by a celebrity’s charm once before, and that would be the last time it ever happened again.

“Miss James,” I answered politely. “I have to get back to work. Again, let us know if you need anything.” Before he could say anything else, I hurried out of the room.

Even though Jake had come across as incredibly obnoxious and nothing but arrogant, I had eventually given in to his request – after he asked for the fifth time – and gone out on a date with him. He wasn’t the typical celebrity I was used to. He was genuine and caring. He didn’t care that I had a son and that the media seemed to eat it all up. He seemed to really love Connor. And now we had been together for almost four years.

“Morning Sarah,” one of my best friends and colleagues, Paige Matthews, smiled as I entered the cubicle. She sighed as she continued typing up this morning’s report for the anchors to glance over. All the breaking news stories made the cut.

“Morning,” I took a sip of my coffee and turned on my computer. “How’s Alexia this morning?”

“Cranky, like always,” Paige chuckled as she turned towards me in her computer chair. “How’s Jake?” She raised her eyebrows as if it was some scandalous affair going on. I rolled my eyes and entered my username and password into the computer.

“I didn’t see him last night. Connor and I just stayed in and watched a movie. Jake needed to work on his lines for the filming of AMC today,” I explained as I checked my e-mail and such. “He’s coming over tonight, though. But I’m kinda bummed…Connor still doesn’t seem thrilled about the idea of Jake being over all the time.” I sighed.

“He’s a kid, so what?” Paige muttered. “I know Connor. He’ll adjust fine. Nick’s probably brainwashing him, telling him that Jake’s some kind of monster or something. That’s why the kid hates him so much.”

I rolled my eyes. She was probably right. That sounded like something Nick would do. “See, I’d believe you but Connor hasn’t even seen Nick for almost three months. I mean, I guess Nick could be going on and on about how much he hates Jake. I’m not sure why, it’s not like Nick cares much for me anyway,” I shrugged and turned towards her with a heavy sigh.

“Doubt it. I don’t know about you, but I remember when Nick found out about you and Jake. He wasn’t too thrilled…”

She was right.

I giggled and pulled away from Jake’s captivating gaze. “Don’t get it…let the machine pick up,” he tugged on my hand as I stood up to reach for the phone. He pulled me back down on the couch, but I had grabbed the cordless phone as I had stood up.

“Hello?” I giggled as he tickled my neck with his lips.

“So I see you haven’t given up on celebrities entirely,” his voice sobered me up quickly. I pulled away from Jake and sat up straight, a sharp twinge of anger and hatred shooting through my spine.

“What do you want?” I asked him, careful not to say his name. Jake hated Nick. I didn’t blame him, but at the same time, I was in no way wanting to start an argument between the two of them I could see already boiling just by listening to Nick’s tone and looking back into Jake’s eyes.

“I’m just surprised, that’s all. You’re all over the cover of People magazine,” he informed me, though I had already known. We had actually purchased copies of the magazine; it wasn’t anything bad. It was sweet – the writer had noticed how in love we looked and thought she’d document in. No big deal. “I really hope you aren’t subjecting my son to anything inappropriate.”

That hit a nerve. At this point, I didn’t care what Jake heard. I stood up off the couch and started pacing. “Your son?! Are you serious, Nick? He’s our son, first of all, and second of all, I don’t think I’d be the parent subjecting him to inappropriate things. If I recall, you’re the one with hookers over all the time. Who’s the better parent? Who keeps track of Connor every day and every night? I do. So don’t even start that bullshit with me.”

“He was jealous,” Paige cut in as I sipped my coffee.

“Yeah, right,” I scoffed. “Nick? Nick doesn’t give a crap about me or my life. He was just angry that I had another man around Connor. He was more jealous of the time Jake was spending with Connor than anything between Jake and me. Nick couldn’t care any less.”

“Oh please,” Paige rolled her eyes. “You just don’t see it, do you? You don’t see the way he feels about you.”

“I see it clearly,” I interjected and turned to face her. “He couldn’t hate me any more than he already does.”

“Hi Mr. Matthews, is there anything else I can get for you?” I questioned politely as I entered the green room with water and snacks. He smiled back up at me and looked down at his two young girls.

“If you happen to see anything that might keep these two occupied for a little while, I’d be incredibly grateful,” he chuckled. “And please…call me Dave.” He smirked as he opened the cookie packages for his daughters. I beamed. I loved it when celebrities seemed to care so much about their children. Why couldn’t Nick care about Connor like that?

“Absolutely,” I nodded and exited the room. “He’s such a nice guy.” I whispered to Paige.

“And not too shabby looking either,” she raised her eyebrows with a giggle. I went into my personal bag I brought from home and pulled out one of Connor’s coloring books. “Jeez, you’re such a great mom.”

“Ha, never,” I laughed with a sigh. “I’ve just learned over the years that children have no tolerance for subways getting stuck or sitting in a smelly taxi in traffic. So I carry things like this around with me to keep him occupied.” I shrugged. “No biggie. When you have kids, you’ll learn.” I winked.

“I sure hope so. I’m calling you whenever I do have kids,” she chuckled. “You’re so experienced.”

She was right. I was really experienced. Raising Connor all on my own for five years hadn’t been easy. Sure, I had friends and family that were willing to help, but I kind of cancelled all of that out when I up and moved to New York. “Aw, you’ll do fine. You’re great with Connor.” I grinned at her. She was. Connor had called Paige “Aunt Paige” ever since I started working at the station; in his mind, he had known her since he was born since he couldn’t really remember much from when he was one.

“Yeah, well, he’s not my own kid,” she laughed and rolled her eyes. I knocked lightly on Dave Matthew’s door and opened it as she disappeared in the studio.

“Here ya go,” I winked at the two little girls sitting on the floor looking quite bored. “My son loves to color, and it really passes the time.” She encouraged them. “Have fun, okay?”

“Thank you so much, Sarah. I really appreciate it!” Dave looked relieved and I laughed.

“No problem. Trust me, I have a five-year-old at home. I completely understand the attention span of children,” I beamed. “Please, if there’s anything else, feel free to flag one of us down. We’re here to make you comfortable.” It’s what I said to practically every celebrity that waltzed in there.

“You’re Nick Carter’s ex-wife, right?” His question nearly knocked the wind out of me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to pull the smile back over my face.

“I am,” I nodded with a heavy sigh, trying not to sound too frustrated with his question.

“I met Nick in the studio just a few weeks ago,” Dave beamed as if I really wanted to talk about this. “He was telling me all about your son since he got to meet my girls there.” He explained. I wondered if Nick had made up some bogus lie about how I never let him see our son. Part of me wanted to break out with my side of the story, but I knew that would be completely unprofessional and way out of line.

“That’s nice,” I nodded and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Well, I better get back to work. I’ll be around later to make sure you don’t need anything else.” I said quickly and hurried out the door, closing my eyes on the way out and sucking in a deep breath. I couldn’t help myself and started thinking back to how everything unfolded with Nick and I.

I bit my bottom lip as I heard Leighanne open the front door. It had been three days since I had left. Part of me was glad Nick had stayed behind and let me have my own space. I think he was terrified that if he came for me, I’d run and he’d never see his son. I tried to dry the tears nestling in my eyes as he walked into the living room where I was. No ‘hi’ or ‘hello’, he just sat down across from me and stared at me crazily, as if this was all my fault.

“What do you want, Nick?” I was able to muster as I folded my arms across my big belly.

“I want to know why you’re acting like this, Sarah. I understand you’re experiencing a lot of hormones right now and you’re going through a lot…I’m sorry I don’t have the time to deal with all of it,” he said. I wanted to reach across and slap him myself.

“I’m sorry I pulled you into this mess of a marriage,” I spat. “I should have realized you wouldn’t have had the time to ‘deal’ with it.” I was angry. Hell, I was beyond angry. Here I had been, the perfect little housewife putting up with all of Nick’s shit. And he couldn’t even give a damn about me or what I was going through.

“Jesus Christ, Sarah! You knew when you got involved with me that life was going to be rough! I warned you well in advanced before this all happened,” he motioned towards the little life nestled in my stomach. “But you said it wasn’t a big deal, you could handle it all!” He yelled.

“I didn’t realize ‘handling’ it meant I would have to deal with never seeing you, never talking to you! Nick, I know you’re having an affair. I’ve been shoving it all to the back of my mind ever since I first started getting suspicious!” I was so angry with him I could practically feel my blood boiling.

“Woah, woah, woah!” He cut me off. “Affair?! What the fuck are you talking about?” He stood up and looked down at me, screaming even louder. “How dare you fucking accuse me of having an affair! You know that’s not true.”

“How, Nick? How am I supposed to know?” I yelled back, this time standing up so I could at least be closer to his face. Closer so he could see me angry.

“That’s called trust, Sarah. It’s what marriage is all about,” he calmed down a bit, but continued to stare me square in the face.

I swallowed all my pride, all my love for him and sucked up a bit of courage. This next part would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life, I could only imagine. “I don’t trust you, Nick.” I muttered softly, licking my lips. “So I guess this marriage thing just isn’t working out for us. I want a divorce.”

I felt the warm pools of salty tears forming in my eyes. God damn him for still having such a strong effect over me. Just thinking about the time I ended our marriage (even though it was quite unhappy and nothing I had ever dreamt of) made me sad. I wiped under my eyes and returned to my office area to continue working. I noticed my voicemail was blinking.

I tapped ‘Play’ on the box and prepared a post-it note and pen to write down whatever message someone had written me, hoping to get back to them later. “Hi Miss James, this is Mrs. Lynn from Connor’s kindergarten class. We’ve had a bit of an issue take place. I’ll go ahead and try his father, but I know you said you were the parent with custody. Please call back as soon as you can. Thank you.”

My heart was beating so loudly in my chest I was just sure everyone around me could hear it. I quickly dialed the number I had memorized in case of emergency and tapped my fingers nervously on my desk as I waited. “Hi, this is Mandy with P.S. 130 Hernando Desoto Elementary. How can I help you?” I heard the secretary.

“Yes, this is Sarah James. I received a call from Mrs. Lynn about my son, Connor,” I rattled off quickly. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh, yes Miss James. I’ll connect you to Mrs. Lynn’s office. One moment,” I heard the click and waited for the phone to continue ringing. Had he fallen at the playground? Usually when he went home sick, the nurse would be the one to call me.

“Hi, this is Sharron,” I heard Mrs. Lynn’s voice.

“Hi, Mrs. Lynn. This is Sarah James returning your phone call. Is everything alright with Connor?” I questioned almost immediately, completely worried about his well-being.

“Everything’s fine, Miss James,” she reassured me. “Actually, I was calling about Connor’s behavior.” Behavior? My jaw instantly dropped. Connor had never had issues with his behavior. He was a good kid. “Connor and another student got into an argument today in gym class. I’m not too worried about this; this is the first we’ve seen any aggression from Connor. The other boy has been in trouble before, so we understand this could very well be a one-time occurrence for Connor. But by our school’s rules and standards, I not only have to call you but I have to send Connor home for fighting.”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temple. This was the time when I blamed Nick. Nick had quite a temper when I knew him, and I just swore he passed it on to our son. “I understand,” I sighed. “I’ll be right over.”

“Oh, it’s not necessary. Mr. Carter came by about five minutes ago and picked him up,” she assured me. My eyes opened. I was more shocked than anything. Nick was never around…so why now? I quickly excused myself from the phone conversation, apologizing for Connor’s behavior and that I’d be sure to talk to him about it, and hung up, dialing Nick’s cell number faster than I ever had before.

I pulled up to the studio apartment Nick had rented out when Connor and I had moved here, using it whenever he happened to be in the city spending time with our son. I locked the doors and hurried up to the studio, opening the door without knocking.

“Momma!” Connor grinned in my direction, as if he had completely forgotten about what had happened earlier. I kissed his forehead quickly, being sure not to smile so he knew I was unhappy. One thing I wanted to always do with Connor was remind him that I loved him very much, but I was disappointed in him if he did something wrong.

“Not so fast, mister,” I scolded, not even bothering to meet the gaze of the man standing before me I hadn’t even seen for months. “Go to your room. I’ll be in to talk with you in a minute. I need to talk to your father.” I sighed and stood up. Connor’s smile fell from his face and he pouted his way into his bedroom that was in Nick’s apartment.

“Lay off him, Sarah. The principal yelled at him pretty good. I told him what he did was wrong, we’ll move on,” Nick said immediately after he heard Connor’s door close.

“Hi to you, too,” I scoffed and sat down at the kitchen table. “And no, I’m not going to ‘lay off’. Fighting isn’t like Connor. He’s never been in trouble before. I’m going to make sure it stops before he starts getting in bigger trouble.” I said firmly. I never allowed Nick to tell me how to be a parent.

“Sarah, you said it yourself. He’s never been in trouble before. So what? It’s his first time getting a call home. Do you know how many phone calls home my parents got when I was a kid? A hell of a lot more than one,” he kept his voice at a low level so Connor wouldn’t be able to hear.

“Exactly why I’m stopping this now. I know how you turned out,” okay, so maybe that was a blow below the belt. But still. He deserved it, in a way. I sighed and closed my eyes. “Sorry…but still. Connor’s only in kindergarten. We can’t let this start now.”

“Whatever,” Nick threw his arms up in surrender and walked to the fridge to pull out a soda.

“Typical. You don’t even care,” I mumbled and grabbed Connor’s backpack off of the kitchen counter.

“How can you tell me I don’t even care when I was the one that showed up to pick up our son?” He frowned. “You were working. I showed up.”

“Yeah, well, what are you even doing in New York anyway? I would have shown up sooner than later. Sorry I have to work my ass off to put food on our table and keep the roof over our heads,” I muttered sarcastically.

“Bullshit, Sarah. You know I pay you enough money to help when I can,” he was right. Nick did keep up with the child support fees. I never once had to ask him twice to help out. But still, I needed to have a job to keep up. Nick never realized that; he had money pooling in at his fingertips. “I’m in New York because if I remember correctly, I told you I’d be taking my son this weekend.”

“Our son,” I quickly corrected with a sigh. “Well, good. He asked about you this morning anyways.” I mumbled and walked over to Connor’s room, tapping lightly on the door so I wouldn’t have to be stuck in this conversation with Nick anymore. “Hey bud. It’s mom. Can I come in?” I whispered.

“Fine,” Connor sighed and slowly opened the door with his head down. I walked in as he climbed up onto his bed. I knelt in front of him so I could be eye level.

“Hey…what happened out there today?” I asked softly and placed my hands on his knees. He continued to stare down at the ground until my index finger lifted his chin to look me in the eyes.

“I don’t know…” he muttered. “I just got so mad at Ryan when he said my family was retarded.”

“He said what?” My brow furrowed and my voice raised a bit. I had no idea why the fight had started; Mrs. Lynn didn’t give details. But that was why I thought it’d be best to get to the bottom of it with Connor.

“He said that since my mommy and daddy lived apart and daddy was a rock star, my family’s retarded,” Connor bit his bottom lip. This was obviously eating him up inside. I pulled him into my lap and kissed the top of his head.

“Hey,” I soothed as I felt him shake a bit with tears. “It’s okay, buddy. Listen, your daddy and I love you so much. Nothing will ever change that. Yeah, daddy travels and sings for a career, but that’s pretty cool, huh? And he loves you more than anything in the world. You know that, right?” I whispered. He nodded in the crook of my neck. “But listen, fighting doesn’t solve anything, k? Ryan was wrong for saying that, but next time just walk away. Don’t let him get you down. It’s not worth it, bab—oops. I forgot you didn’t want me to call you that anymore,” I chuckled softly.

“It’s okay, mommy,” he kissed my cheek. “You can still call me baby if you want.” He wiped away at his eyes. I laughed and kissed him back.

“Thanks,” I winked and kissed his forehead. “Let me go talk to daddy for a second, alright? You stay in here and play with your toys. Then we’ll head back home in a bit.”

He nodded and I shut his door behind me as I exited. Nick walked by drinking a glass of water. “Well? How’d it go?” He muttered, as if he even cared.

“Did you even bother to ask him what happened?” I folded my arms across his chest. “Ask him why he got into the fight, what caused it, who he fought? Any of it?” I shook my head in disappointment. “I swear, Nick. You don’t even know how to communicate with your own son.”

Nick just stared at me long and hard, as if he wanted to say something but he wasn’t sure what. “Okay, so maybe I don’t know everything, Sarah. But I know I’m trying. Alright? I’m trying really hard. That’s why I’m here.” He spat. “So if you could maybe not be a bitch for two seconds, maybe we’d figure everything out.”

“What is there to figure out, Nick? The only thing that matters to me that deals with you right now is the fact that you still have partial custody of our son. So I’d really like to make sure you’re capable of taking care of him,” I folded my arms over my chest and glanced towards the closed door. “He’s a special kid, Nick. Really is. And I don’t want him hurting ever because of us. He told me the fight he got in was because some kid told him our family was ‘retarded’,” I sighed. “I never wanted to be the cause of my kid’s sadness.” I sat down on the couch; my anger suddenly turning to gloom.

“He’s fine,” Nick brushed it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. “He’s a big kid now. We can’t baby him forever.”

“He’s my baby, Nickolas,” I couldn’t understand how none of this seemed to matter to Nick. “I understand you’re a man and that you see things differently. But come on, for Christ’s sake! He’s our son! Don’t you care whether he’s happy, sad, angry, or whatever? Do you even care?!” I was back to yelling.

“Stop yelling!” Both of our heads spun around towards the sound. There was Connor – standing in the doorway clutching his teddy bear, tears streaming down his face. “Why do you hate each other so much? Can’t you just be normal?”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” my tone dropped and I quickly dried my eyes. “Come on, let’s go home.” I hurried and grabbed my purse and his backpack, praying to God he wanted to come home with me and not stay with Nick. Connor looked back and forth between me and Nick and then placed his hand in mine.

“Bye daddy,” he whispered softly. And that’s where we left Nick…standing dumbfounded like always in his apartment foyer.



“Hey you,” Jake greeted me at the front door with a peck on the lips. He had flowers in one hand and a football in the other.

“Hey, you’re early,” I frowned, glancing down at my watch and letting go of Connor’s hand to open the apartment door. Connor looked up at Jake hesitantly. I sighed. I knew it had been a long day for Connor and he probably wasn’t going to be too excited to hang around Jake for the night.

“Yeah, well, I thought I’d surprise you,” he shrugged. “Hey Connor.” He tossed the football in his direction. “How about we trick your mom into letting us play some ball outside?” He pretended to whisper so I wouldn’t hear. I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“I guess you two could play for a little while so I could start up dinner,” I kissed Jake fully once we got into the living room. “Connor, go put some play clothes on…sweat pants, please. And your winter coat.”

“But mom,” he whined. “I can’t move around in my coat. Right Jake?” I was surprised he was opening up so much to Jake. I raised my eyebrows and glanced at Jake for his response.

“Sorry honey, I gotta agree with the kid,” he laughed. “How about I wear my coat too, Connor? That way we can fall all over the place together?” He suggested. Connor nodded and ran up the stairs to get ready. Jake glanced down at his watch and followed me into the kitchen. “You’re home later than usual today. Caught up at work?”

I inwardly groaned. “Ugh, more like caught up in hell,” I sighed and pulled the chicken out of the freezer to defrost. “Connor got into a fight at school today. I got the message late and Nick ended up picking him up. So then I had to go to Nick’s place and that turned into an even bigger mess.” I rubbed my temples realized the headache that was growing there.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck. “Anything I can do to make it better?” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on his shoulder.

“You’re already helping immensely,” I smirked and turned in his arms to kiss his lips fully. He deepened the kiss just as we heard someone clear their throat behind us.

“Ready Jake?” Connor asked. Jake nodded and kissed me one last time, then hurried out to toss the ball around with Connor.

“Play nice!” I yelled back as I continued to prepare everything for that night’s dinner. As I began humming some song I had heard on the radio earlier, the phone rang. “Hello?” I answered, lost in my own thoughts.

“Hi, this is Sandra from New York Medical Associates. Is Sarah James available?” The voice asked.

“This is she,” I was completely used to these phone calls. I was born with a heart murmur – it was completely normal and so routine. I just had to be careful growing up and take antibiotics before I went in for a visit with the dentist. Nothing drastic.

“Miss James, your results came back from your echocardiogram last week, we’d really like for you to come in and meet with the doctor,” the woman said. I frowned. Everything stopped. This was abnormal.

“Is everything alright? I’ve been doing this for twenty-six years and I’ve never had to come back in for a follow-up so soon…” I explained and leaned against the counter.

“Everything should be fine. We’d really like to talk with you in person,” she said rather calmly. I swallowed hard and nodded.

“Alright, I’ll be there first thing tomorrow morning.” I tried to keep reassuring myself everything was fine. If it was an emergency, they would have asked to see me right away. Everything would be fine.

“What do you mean, something’s abnormal?” I asked the technician and cardiologist as I pulled my shirt back over my head after the echocardiogram. I gnawed on the inside of my lip as I sat there, waiting for some kind of answer. The cold table was beginning to turn my thighs numb and I folded my arms across my chest.

“We’ve been watching different aspects of your heart for some time, Miss James. There’s always been an odd sound to it. We just never could put our finger on it,” the cardiologist explained as she sat down on one of those swivel chairs Connor loved to play on. “Unfortunately, there are some things us doctors aren’t even aware of out there – and this was one of them.” I wanted to lash out at her for not understanding why something was wrong with me. Wasn’t she supposed to know? Wasn’t that her job? “So I called a fellow colleague and sent him your tapes.” She motioned back to the screen, pulling up a shot of one of my arteries. “See how big this is, Sarah?” She asked. I nodded and swallowed hard. I could already feel the tears boiling in my eyes. “We were able to diagnose you with idiopathic dilatation of the main pulmonary artery.”

I blinked a few times and swallowed. “What?” I asked.

“Idiopathic dilatation of the main pulmonary artery,” she repeated a bit slower. “Basically we call it IDPA. It’s a disease that’s very uncommon. I’ve never seen a patient with it before, and the colleague I spoke with has only seen one case. It’s not only uncommon, but it’s even more uncommon in young women.” She sighed heavily and sat back down on her swivel chair, again making me think of my son.

“What does it mean?” I tried my hardest to swallow all of this information.

“It basically means that your pulmonary artery is bigger than it should be. I’ve noticed that the normal person’s measures at about 22 mm. Yours, though, measures about 47 mm. It can be very dangerous; especially because last year it measured…” she paused and looked down at my folder. “43 mm.” She sighed. “A person’s pulmonary artery shouldn’t grow that much in five years, let alone one year.”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temple. “Is this dangerous? I mean, what kind of restrictions do I have? Where do we go from here?” All these questions. I should have sent Connor over to Nick’s and brought Jake with me. I should have known this would have been a bad appointment. I wasn’t sure I could get through it all on my own.

“Yes, there are a bit of restrictions. You can’t run, we’d advise you to take stairs slowly. No physical sports. Natural childbirth is a big no –…”

I cut her off. “I had my son naturally,” I said softly. “Vaginally, if that’s what you’re meaning.”

“Really?” She raised her eyebrows. “Did you experience any chest pains?”

I had to chuckle. “No offense, Dr. Anderson, but I experienced a lot of pain that night and I’m not sure I remember perfectly whether any of it was coming from my chest.” I sighed.

“You probably stretched it out even more,” she mustered softly. It seemed to me as though she was learning this as she went along, and that scared me. “Do you have any chest pains regularly?” I shrugged and nodded a bit. I had always experienced the pains. I thought it was normal. She sighed and scribbled something down in her notes. “I really think we should start calling surgeons.”

My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “Do you really think it’s necessary? I have a five-year-old son at home…I’m only twenty-six, Dr. Anderson.” I began rambling.

“Sarah, you could experience anything from an artery rupture to a heart attack because of this and possibly die. I’d much rather you risk the surgery than risk not having it. I’d really like to sit down with multiple surgeons all over the country and talk about who would want to do this. The surgery hasn’t been performed as frequently as I’d like it to, but we’re going to have to start making plans and soon,” she said firmly. “I’m telling you that you’re at risk.”

“Okay,” I mumbled softly as a tear rolled off my cheek. “Am I able to still take care of my son?”

“Don’t carry him and you should be fine,” she nodded. “Just remember to avoid running and stairs. And sports, of course. I’d like you to look into getting either a business card or bracelet of some sort to keep on you at all times in case you’re in a car accident or something happens, that way paramedics know your diagnosis,” she made it sound like I was dying. “Sarah, your ex husband does have custody over Connor if anything happened, right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded and sighed, rubbing my legs to try and make them warm. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“You might want to sit down and explain everything to him, just in case,” she patted my knee caringly.

“Dr. Anderson, you keep saying ‘just in case’…should I be more worried about this?” I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. This was all coming as such a shock. I didn’t understand why I was sick or how I had gotten the disease.

“I hate having to tell you this, Sarah,” she sighed. “But I honestly don’t know. I’m studying this more and more every day to try and help you the best I can. But right now, I don’t really have any answers for you. I wish I did.” She explained. “I suggest going home and talking all of this over with your family. I’ll be in contact with you within the next few days after I find out what the surgeons say.”

I nodded slowly and hopped down from the table I was sitting on. This would be interesting to discuss with Jake, Nick and Connor. I pictured each one of them handling it differently.

The drive home was interesting. I was trying to think who to tell first and how to go about doing it. I figured I should probably start with Jake so that afterwards, he could help me explain it to Connor. And then I figured I needed to tell Nick. If something happened to me – God forbid – he’d be in charge of Connor 100%. I sighed heavily as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. This was so drastic, so sudden. I wasn’t sure why I was going through all of this, I just knew I was.

I pulled into the parking lot for my apartment with Connor and headed up the stairs. Connor was still at school and Jake was at the house, supposedly making dinner. I opened the door and took in a deep breath, the air smelling like lasagna – one of my favorites.

“Hey baby,” Jake winked as he placed the plates on the table. “Alex called and said he’d pick Connor up from school and bring him over. I think him and Jill are having dinner with us. Is that okay?” He asked. He froze when he saw my face, obviously recognizing that something was wrong.

“I need to tell you something,” I whispered and sat down on the couch. He immediately came over and sat down next to me, concerned as to why I seemed so upset. “I have a disease, Jake.”

“A d-disease?” He swallowed hard and placed his hand on mine, squeezing it gently. “What kind of disease? Are you going to be okay?” He asked. I sighed and wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.

“I have no idea. It’s called idiopathic dilatation of the main pulmonary artery,” I broke out and explained everything like the nurse had explained to me. Part of me was wondering if Jake would even want to be with me anymore, but then the other part of me knew of course he’d stick around. He wouldn’t leave because I was sick.

“Wow,” Jake swallowed and glanced down at our hands after I finished explaining everything. “What’s going to happen, Sarah?” He asked softly.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes and I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I mumbled. “My cardiologist wants to start talking to surgeons around the country. She said it needs to be fixed.” I didn’t know how to admit I was scared to him. I wasn’t sure what to say.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

“Hey bud,” Nick swung open the door, expecting to be face to face with Connor. Instead, he was face to face with me. I swallowed back the tears and tried to dry my face once more before I pushed into the room past him. He frowned and looked out the door, waiting for Connor to run up. “Where’s my son?” He asked, getting angry.

“With Jake in the car,” I said softly. “But don’t freak out. I’m going to go get him in a minute. I just need to talk to you about some stuff.” I sighed and glanced around the manly, not very warm, apartment. It was so dark…so cold.

“Talk about what?” He folded his arms over his chest and sat down on the couch across from me. “You aren’t going back to court, right?” I had always threatened Nick with the idea of taking him into court and fighting him for complete custody over Connor – where Nick wouldn’t see him anymore. With everything Nick had been through, we both knew I’d win. But I only used that against him when I was angry or upset.

“No, Nick. I’m not going to court,” I closed my eyes and tried to think of how to say what I needed to say. “I need to talk to you about something important…” I sighed. “I’m really sick, Nick. With a disease.” I finally managed to whisper. “It’s a heart disease. And I need surgery.” Bring on the waterworks; I couldn’t ever get through saying all that without tears. This time didn’t prove to be any different. “I need to know that you’re going to be around for Connor. He doesn’t like Jake. He likes you. And I need to know before I go into all this,” by this time I was practically hysterical. “That you’ll be there for him…forever, Nickolas. Not just for a weekend every once and a while.” I noticed that his eyes that were full of hatred and anger suddenly softened and he moved over to sit close to me on the couch and put his hand on mine.

“I’ll always be there for him,” he said softly.

“Thanks, Nick,” I wiped at my eyes. We didn’t have the greatest relationship, but it was good knowing we had one thing in common – we both loved Connor. “I’ll go get him now. I’ll keep you updated.”

“Hey,” he called out as I reached the door. “I’m here for you too, ya know.” He muttered. I smiled and walked out.

I smiled at Nick as I opened the front door. “Hey Nick, thanks for coming by.” I smiled. I opened it wider so he could come in and then shut it and locked it behind him. “Connor! Your dad’s here!” I yelled towards Connor’s bedroom. I heard his feet patter down the carpeted hall into the foyer area.

“Hey bud,” Nick laughed and lifted Connor off his feet as he came into the room. I finished putting my earrings on and followed the two into the kitchen.

“Connor, just remember that your Dad --…” I was cut off. Almost as soon as I had bolted the front door, I heard a key unlocking it. I completely forgot that Jake was coming over tonight for dinner. “Hi honey.” I smiled and kissed him softly.

Jake glared in Nick’s direction. “What’s he doing here?” He sighed heavily and hung his coat up on the coat hanger by the front door.

“He’s taking Connor for the weekend, remember?” I sighed. Nick and Jake never had gotten along. It didn’t really bother me until times like these. “Okay, so Connor, be good for your Dad, okay? Listen to what he says. He’ll take you to school on Monday and then I’ll pick you up.” I smiled and kissed the top of his head.

“Okay Mom,” he grinned back and slung his backpack over his shoulder. I sighed and waved as he and Nick walked out the door.

“Why is he taking Connor? Is this because of your doctor’s appointment? I can watch Connor,” Jake began getting defensive.

“This is not because of my doctor’s appointment,” I rolled my eyes and slipped my feet into my clogs. “This is because Nick is Connor’s dad and honestly? I’m glad he’s spending time with him. Connor needs him, ya know? I told Nick he was welcome to see Connor on weekends.” I explained, even though I had explained it hundreds of times before.

“When you have surgery, where will Connor go?” He folded his arms over his chest.

I spun around, now frustrated. “Are you seriously more worried about where my son’s going to stay while I’m in the hospital having my chest ripped open?!” I yelled. I didn’t mean to yell, it just kind of came out that way. “Seriously, Jake.” I shook my head, annoyed.

“Babe, I didn’t mean it that way,” he sighed and rolled his eyes. “I just don’t think Nick’s really a good father. Maybe Connor shouldn’t stay with him. He can stay here, I’ll come over and stay with him while you’re in the hospital. That way I can bring him over to see you.” He tried reasoning.

“Jake, Connor feels comfortable with Nick,” I tried stating delicately. “And oddly enough? I trust Nick. I trust you, too, but you aren’t Connor’s father.” I sighed. “We don’t even know when or if I’m having this surgery. So let’s not worry about these things till we get there, okay?” I kissed him softly and grabbed my briefcase. “I’m off to my appointment and then work. I’ll see you when I get home.”

I hurried out the door and towards the ferry. I couldn’t believe Jake seemed more moved by the fact that Jake would be staying with Nick rather than me being stuck in a hospital room having my heart probed and prodded. I sighed and stepped onto the deck waiting for the ferry and fished through my purse to find my ferry ticket.

“Momma!” I heard a little voice that belonged to my son behind me. I turned around with a surprised smile on my lips and knelt down to give him and hug and kiss.

“Hey baby, what are you doing here?” I asked him, kissing his cheek softly. When it came to the fact that I had a disease, I talked with both Nick and Jake and we agreed it’d be best to not tell Connor the details. We just said I was a little sick and needed to go into the doctor every once and a while.

“Dad took me to get pretzels!” He grinned, holding up his doughy masterpiece. I laughed and smiled, glancing up at Nick in the process. He smirked and shrugged.

“Oh, did he now?” I smiled. “What do you two boys have in mind for today, huh?” I asked as we handed our ferry tickets to the boat captain and climbing aboard. Connor placed his hand in mine, making me grin.

“Dad said he’d take me to the park to play with the dogs!” Connor smiled a toothy grin in my direction.

I nodded up at Nick. “I figured you won’t let the kid have one of his own, so we go out and play with other people’s pets.” He laughed. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

“Dammit, Nick. You know Jake’s allergic to dogs, if it wasn’t for that, Connor could have one. I don’t see you out buying him a - …”

Nick put his hands up as if a gesture to surrender. “I was just kidding around, Sarah.” He quickly covered. I sighed and looked back out to the water as the breeze blew my hair in the wind. Connor ran ahead, obviously missing my little outburst, as he leaned up against the railing to watch the water go by.

“Don’t lean forward, baby!” I called ahead as Nick and I slowly started walking in that direction. “I don’t know why I ever even fell for your stupid charm.” I mumbled under my breath. It wasn’t as if I was starting up conversation, I was just trying to vent.

“I do believe we’ve been over that before,” he grinned stupidly. “But hey, why worry about it? We’re divorced, aren’t we?” He shrugged and caught up with Connor as I stood back and watched.

I had always promised myself I’d never get divorced. My parents had always been married, but I saw what divorce did to my friends that I played with. When I met Nick, I fell…and hard. He had such a hold over me, it was ridiculous. But he never really focused on me. He’d always be too infatuated with his work or with his groupies. Never me. So when I became pregnant, I knew he’d have to start focusing on me more because abortion was out of the question. After I had Connor, I felt terrible for “using” him like that. And it only made the situation worse. Nick felt the urge to get married so the press wouldn’t run with the fact we were pregnant and not married. He was tied down. And he wasn’t ready to be tied down. Honestly? I wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready.

“Momma! Look at Liberty!” Connor yelled from ahead. I blinked away the memories and a smile formed over my lips. “She’s beautiful! Like you!” He grinned. I laughed and wrapped my arms around his little body. How something so amazing could come from someone so horrible was beyond me.

“You’re such a sweet talker,” I winked. “You’re going to make a girl very happy someday.” I sighed.

“Ew, girls have cooties!” He made a sour expression and turned back to the Statue of Liberty. I laughed and shook my head. As the boat docked on New York’s side of the river, I kissed the top of his head.

“Have a good day, baby. Stay safe,” I glanced between Connor and Nick. They both nodded, but only Connor waved as I went in the opposite direction they did. I sighed and glanced at my watch, hurrying up the steps to make it into my part of the office on time.

“Morning!” Paige smiled as I set my things down at my desk. “How are you feeling?” Ever since I told her about the disease, I felt like she was treating me as if at any moment I’d break. I rolled my eyes.

“Paige, please. You’re my best friend. I need you to act like I’m normal because I am. I’m not some strange piece of glass that’s going to crack, okay? The doctor said I’m okay right now,” I shrugged it off like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Fine,” she sighed. “How was your morning?” She rephrased her question.

“Well, besides having to face Nick some more,” I rolled my eyes. “I swear, one minute he’s being super sweet to me and promising to take care of Connor if anything happens, and then the next minute he’s being an ass again. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore. He gets me so, so…” I tried searching for the words, my hands balled up in fists and completely dissatisfied with Nick at the moment. “Frustrated!” I huffed.

Paige started laughing. “You’re too cute.” She shook her head. “You guys fight like a freaking married couple.”

“Ah, no,” I shook my head, sighing and sitting down at my desk. “We fight like a divorced couple.” I corrected. I began logging into my computer.

“Whatever you say,” she laughed and began working on her own. “I think somewhere deep down inside you there’s a little bit of love for Nick Carter.” She glanced over at my desktop. “I see the way you look at the websites to see where he’s touring or what he’s up to…or who he’s with.” She raised her eyebrows. “You may be able to hide it from everyone else, but you can’t hide it from me.”

I swallowed hard and shoved everything she had said with my thoughts to the back of my brain. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said quickly. “I love Jake.”

Work had been slow all morning. We didn’t have any special guests, really. No celebrities, at least. I sighed and picked up my phone as it ran on my desk, bored out of my mind. “Hi, this is Sarah,” I answered simply.

“Hey, it’s Nick,” I heard him sigh. My eyes immediately shot open. My initial thought was that Nick had Connor. Something had obviously happened. “Before you freak out and think something bad happened, everything’s fine.” He tried to assure me. “Connor just wanted to ask you something so he had me call.”

I frowned. “Alright,” I leaned back in my chair. I usually didn’t have time for Connor’s phone calls – when he first started going to spend time with Nick, he’d call me every thirty minutes or so homesick. But he had gotten over that. I figured with it being a Saturday and Connor being with his Dad, he’d have better things to be doing rather than calling me.

“Momma?” I heard his voice. I loved it when he called me that. Connor wasn’t a Southern boy at all, though my family was. Whenever we visited my parents who had recently moved back to North Carolina, Connor seemed to pick up a slight Southern accent. I thought it was hilarious.

“Hey honey,” I grinned. “What’s up, munchkin?” I asked him as my brow furrowed in curiosity.

“Will you come over after work?” He asked. I heard Nick in the background asking him why he needed me to come over. I was curious myself.

“Do you want to come home?” I asked him strangely. It wasn’t like Connor to want to leave Nick’s place. Connor loved staying over at Nick’s.

“Nooo,” Connor dragged out giggling, as if I didn’t understand or something. “I want you to come over for dinner. Daddy said we could make homemade pizza and I want to make it for you!” He exclaimed. I laughed and shook my head.

“Con, you know Jake’s over at our apartment for dinner tonight…” I frowned, wondering what this smart little kid was up to. “Maybe some other time, okay?” I tried to put it lightly. It seemed like Connor really wanted me to eat with them. But I knew that was bad news. I knew Jake would freak out and wouldn’t understand.

“Mkay,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry, honey,” I sighed. I knew he was disappointed. “You have fun with your Dad, though. Okay?” I grinned and tried to make light of it all.

“Kay,” he mumbled. “Bye.” I rubbed my temples and hung up my phone.

“Kids these days,” I turned over my shoulder and whispered to Paige. After I had her attention, I sighed and continued. “Can you believe Connor? He wants me to come over and have dinner with him in Nick! It’s absolutely ludicrous!”

“Poor kid just wants to get his parents back together,” Paige shrugged. “When my parents divorced, my brothers and I did everything we possibly could to try and get them back together. It’s not easy on the kids, ya know.” She said. I sighed and nodded.

“Oh, I know,” I muttered. “I vowed to myself I’d never get divorced.” I explained. “That lasted until I married the infamous Nick Carter.” I rolled my eyes. Paige busted out laughing and shook her head.

“You’re too much, girl,” she laughed. “Just too much.”

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

“Baby, this dinner is delicious,” Jake reached across the table and held my hand in his. I hadn’t even taken a bite yet. I grinned as I folded my napkin over my lap and picked up my fork. As soon as I was about to dig in, the phone started ringing. “Let the machine get it.” He quickly responded, holding onto my hand as if he didn’t, I’d slip away.

“What if it’s Connor?” I sighed and put my napkin on the table, then reached for the phone. “Hello?” I answered.

“Mom,” Connor said. He sounded really upset.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” My heart immediately dropped in my chest and I thought the worse.

“I don’t feel good. Can you come get me?” He coughed loudly. I closed my eyes and nodded, as if he could see me.

“I’ll be there soon, honey,” I sighed and hurried to grab my purse of the dining room table. I hung up the phone and grabbed my coat off the hook. “Connor’s sick, Jake. I have to go get him from Nick’s.” I explained as I slipped my shoes on.

Jake stood and sighed heavily, following me to the front door with his hands in his pockets. “Why can’t Nick bring him home?” He asked softly as I tied my hair back in a ponytail.

I shrugged. “You know how Nick is,” I tried to lighten the mood; I knew Jake was upset. “I’ll be right back. We’ll get Connor some soup and in bed, then we’ll have our dinner and cuddle.” I winked and kissed him softly. He didn’t kiss back and he definitely wasn’t smiling. “What?” I frowned.

“Connor’s a big boy, Sarah. I’m sure Nick can take care of him for one night if he’s as good a father as he says he is,” Jake raised his eyebrows, questioning what I had mentioned earlier. I was shocked. I definitely wasn’t the kind of girl that could sit back and take crap like that. Not after everything that had happened with Nick.

“Connor is my son and he asked me to come get him, so that’s what I’m going to do,” I said matter-of-factly and opened the front door.

“I’ll walk you to the ferry,” Jake mumbled and threw his shoes and coat on, shoving past me. I sighed and closed the door behind us, locking it on our way out. “You drop everything for that kid, you realize that?” Jake mumbled as we walked together towards the ferry.

“Um, yeah,” I said dumbly. “He’s my son, Jake. What part of that don’t you understand?” I folded my arms over my chest.

“What about me, Sarah? When are you going to start dropping things for me, huh?” He sounded like such a whiney child. I rolled my eyes.

“Are you kidding me, Jake? You know how rough the past few years have been for me and how much trouble I have dealing with the fact that there are some guys out there I can or cannot trust. It’s hard for me!” I was angry, sad, upset. Jake had never had a problem with my lack of commitment before.

“I wanna get married, Sarah,” Jake licked his lips in the cold and turned me towards him. “We’ve been together for a while now. I wanna tie the knot.” He cracked a smile. “Will you marry me?”

It was probably the oddest and most unprepared engagement I could have dreamt up myself. I wasn’t expecting him to propose any time soon. We hardly ever talked about it, besides every once and a while if we’d see a couple getting engaged around town or on TV. I wasn’t sure what my answer would be. “Jake, we haven’t even talked about this.”

“We have,” he nodded. “And we will some more. I know I want to spend forever with you.”

Forever. That was such a long time. At one time, I thought I’d spend forever with Nick. But that turned out to be a very short forever. “Jake…” I sighed. This was all so much.

“Sarah, come on and say yes! I know you love me,” I could see the confusion in his eyes.

“Of course I love you,” I sighed and touched the side of his face. “I’m just not wanting to get married right now. I’m not ready, Jake. I don’t know when I’ll be ready.” I bit my bottom lip as I saw everything fall from his face.

“I want someone that I can marry and have my own children with,” he whispered softly, taking my hands in his. “I know it’s all sudden and you aren’t sure what to do…but is that person you, Sarah? Are you ever going to be ready to get married again and have kids?”

Kids? I had Connor. And Connor was enough for me. “Jake, all this on top of my heart disease…it’s really not the right time.” I swallowed. I knew in my heart it probably wouldn’t ever be the ‘right time’.

He nodded and kissed my forehead softly as the ferry docked behind me. “Bye, Sarah.” He muttered and walked away. I sighed and closed my eyes. But it didn’t hurt. Telling him ‘no’ and having him walk away wasn’t painful. Instead, I continued on to get to my son.

I knocked on the door twice. After no answer, I pushed it open myself, making a mental note to talk to Nick about leaving the front door open like that. It was dangerous; especially in a city like New York. “Connor? Baby?” I muttered softly. I heard the noise from the TV and in the soft glow, I saw Connor laying on his stomach, feet in the air behind him watching cartoons. I folded my arms across my chest and glanced into the attached kitchen where Nick was whistling to himself and cooking. “Um, hello?” I waved, trying to get their attention.

Nick’s head bolted up, obviously aware now that someone had entered the apartment without him realizing. “Jesus, Sarah. You scared the shit out of me,” he frowned, confused. “What are you doing here?” Now I was the one to be confused.

“What do you mean, what am I doing here? Connor called,” I motioned to the little boy that was standing in front of me with a sheepish grin. All of a sudden, it hit me. I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Connor Nickolas, did you lie to me when you told me you were sick?” I knelt down in front of him.

“Well, not completely,” he played with his fingers. “My tummy feels kinda funny. But I wanted you to come over.” He tried to make up for it all.

“Connor, you can’t lie like that,” I scolded him.

“Wait, what do you mean he called you?” Nick was so out of the blue with all of this.

“Connor called and said that he wasn’t feeling well and he needed me to come and pick him up,” I sighed and stood up to be eye level with Nick. “Jake got mad and everything. We were supposed to be having dinner tonight.” I mumbled.

“Connor’s not sick,” Nick frowned. “You can go back and have dinner or whatever.” He turned back to the kitchen to finish cooking.

“No Mommy! Stay!” Connor latched on to my leg and wouldn’t let go. I rolled my eyes. When he was a baby he’d do the same thing; especially if he didn’t want me to leave for work or whatnot.

“Ugh,” I mumbled. “Connor Nickolas, get off. You’re a big boy.” I said firmly. “What you did tonight was really wrong. I had grown-up plans and you were supposed to be spending time with your father on your own. One-on-one time,” I looked into those big blue eyes.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Can’t you stay and have pizza? I made my own!” He exclaimed, a smile brightening his face as he remembered that he had complete control over his own pizza. “Come see it.” He tugged my arm and pulled me into the kitchen. I laughed as I glanced at the cheese swamping over the dough and sauce.

“That’s a lot of cheese, Con,” I winked and kissed the top of his head. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stay mad at that kid longer than five minutes. Call it one of my flaws, but I knew he was sorry. He didn’t mean to hurt anybody in the process.

“I like cheese,” he grinned. “So…will you stay? I’ll make you one!” He exclaimed.

I sighed heavily. “Buddy, your Mom has a dinner with Jake to get back to. Maybe another time,” Nick decided to butt in as he put one of the trays of pizza into the oven. He winked at me and I smirked.

“Actually,” I sighed. “Jake left already.” I didn’t feel like going into much more detail. I contemplated just staying and making Connor happy. Nick raised his eyebrows, knowing something must have happened for Jake to just leave. “So, I guess I’ll stay.” I shrugged in Connor’s direction. “At least, as long as that’s okay with your Dad.” I glanced back up at Nick.

“Sure,” he shrugged. Connor cheered some and ran back into the living room to watch his show. “So what happened with Jake?” He asked as he pulled out more dough, sauce and cheese to make my pizza. I watched him walk to the cabinet and pull out a can of black olives. Instinctively, I smiled. He remembered.

I decided against bringing up the fact that after all this time, Nick still remembered how I liked my pizza. “I guess he was just jealous that I’d be coming over here or something.” I shrugged with a sigh. “He doesn’t like me spending time over here.”

“Jealous?” Nick laughed. “It’s not like we’re going to hop in bed and I’m going to fuck you.” I was mad he found it so humorous.

“Shut up, Nick. Connor’s in the other room,” I mumbled and folded my arms across my chest. It was like he could do something as sweet as remembering what I wanted on my pizza and then go to make a rude and uncalled for remark like that.

“He’s not going to hear me,” Nick rolled his eyes. He went back to putting the pizza in the oven.

“Jake proposed tonight,” I sat down in a stool against the countertop. Nick turned around with wide eyes. Well, that was enough to get his attention.

“Congrats,” he muttered. “When’s the wedding?” He seemed surprised that Jake had already proposed, but he didn’t seem fazed by the fact at all. But part of me wondered if maybe he was trying to hide the fact that he was moved by it.

“I said ‘no’,” I muttered, as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. Both Nick and I knew it was a big deal, though. For a second, I thought Nick was going to say something rude or mean, but instead, he turned towards me with a sympathetic gaze.

“Why?” Was all he was able to say.

“I’m not ready for marriage, Nick,” I tried to smile. “I’m not sure if marriage is a part of my future. But right now, it seems like it’s not. And I think Jake is looking for someone he can love forever. I’m not sure if I’m that someone.” I shrugged.

“I’m really sorry,” he mumbled and set the timer so we’d know when the pizza was done baking.

“For what?” I questioned. “It’s not your fault.”

“It kind of is,” his big blue eyes found mine. Now it was my turn to look shocked. Nick was never the one to admit when something was his fault, whether it truly was or wasn’t. He was incredibly stubborn, something that bothered me so much about him. “I ruined your idea of marriage.”

“So?” I shrugged, even though part of me agreed with him. “I ruined yours.” I shot back.

“Nah,” he shook his head. “I was never planning on getting married in the first place.” At least he was honest. His honesty, however, made me feel nauseous. “My parents ruined that for me.” He winked again. I sighed and nodded. “Oh…” he started. “You still like black olives on your pizza, right?” He questioned, even though the pizza was already in the oven. “I just assumed…”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I do. I was surprised you still remembered.” I raised my eyebrows. Nick was never one to remember much of anything. He could barely remember what he had for dinner the night before, and here he was remembering what I liked on my pizza from five years ago.

“Yeah, well,” he shrugged. “Some things just stick with me.”

I nodded. I knew how he felt. I could still remember so much, yet I tried helplessly to get myself to forget it all. Like the way I felt when Nick’s arms were around me…it was like we fit…kind of like a puzzle? And the way his kisses felt.

I shook my head. Nick didn’t love me anymore. I needed to just get over it already.

I chuckled at something Captain Jack Sparrow was doing on the TV. I glanced down to see why Connor wasn’t laughing and noticed he had fallen asleep on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and rearranged so that I could pick him up.

“I got him,” Nick whispered and scooped him up, taking him to his bedroom. I smirked and stood up after Nick had left, turning off the movie.

“Thanks,” I smiled when Nick walked back into the room. “He keeps getting heavier.” I joked.

“Yeah, and you’re not supposed to be lifting stuff,” he scolded. I had completely forgotten, to be honest. “I know you and I know you’re probably carrying him around anyway. You really can’t risk anything, Sarah.” I had to grin. Nick Carter, worried about me? Seriously? “What?” He asked when he saw I was smiling.

“I’m just shocked you care, that’s all,” I admitted honestly as I watched Nick sit back down as if we were going to stay and chat, just like old friends. I shrugged and sat back down. I didn’t have anything else to do.

“Why do you make me out to be this really, really bad guy?” Nick asked out of the blue. I was a little taken back, to be honest. I glanced around and sighed.

“Well, I guess just from the way things used to be,” I shrugged. “I mean, when I was pregnant with Connor, you never really cared, Nick. I know we’ve been over this countless times,” I added when I saw him ready to interject. “But still…that’s why I’ve made you out to be someone that doesn’t care. I know you love Connor and you care about him. I just never really felt that when it came to me.” I explained.

“I do care about you, Sarah. I’m sorry things never really worked out the way we had hoped,” even though I always seemed to be ragging on Nick, that sounded like a genuine statement. “And I worry about you these days. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Connor loves you. He loves being with you so much more than he loves being with me. We can’t lose you.”

Even though he was basically saying he wanted me to stick around simply because our son liked me better, I still felt my heart flutter. “Thanks Nick,” I grinned. “It’s nice to feel wanted. And you aren’t going to lose me. I’m following the doctor’s orders and all…”

“Well good,” he smirked. That was one thing I couldn’t help myself with – his grin. Anyone that knew Nick Carter knew he had an amazing smile. The one where his eyes open up and his eyebrows rise a little. It makes me melt. “Can I get you some ice cream or something? I’m starving.” He laughed.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and chuckled, myself. “Nick, we ate pizza like, an hour ago.” I followed him into the kitchen.

“Sarah,” he looked at me as if I were stupid. “You know me. You know I can’t go an hour or more without food.” He winked. I rolled my eyes and nodded.

“Oh, yep, that’s right,” I laughed and folded my arms across my chest. I leaned back against the counter. “You would eat all the food and then never restock.” I giggled. He opened his mouth to say something and then thought about it for a minute.

“That was the case only part of the time,” he argued. “If I remember correctly, while you were pregnant I did a lot of the grocery shopping…” he trailed off, knowing that was only partially true.

I cleared my throat, really not wanting to go down that road again. I was over talking to Nick about our “marriage”, if you could even call it that. The ceremony had been absolutely beautiful – well planned out and expensive. The reception was even more amazing. It had everything I wanted. Except something incredibly important. Love.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he scooped up some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream into two bowls. He tossed a spoon in mine and handed it to me, following me out back into the living room.

“For what?” I asked as I folded my legs underneath me on the couch, sitting Indian style. I shoved a spoonful of ice cream into my mouth and watched him intently.

“For being the world’s shittiest husband,” he chuckled.

I nearly choked on the slippery sweet stuff sliding down my throat. Instead of confronting what he said, I decided to dance around it. “Shittiest? Is that even a word?” I tried laughing, but it sounded more awkward and nervous than I intended it to.

“Sar, I know I was an ass, okay?” He became extremely serious extremely fast. “I really screwed it all up. I got scared when you got pregnant.” He sighed and glanced down at his bowl, as if he was looking for courage or strength. “I wasn’t ready to be a dad. I wasn’t ready for any of it. But I knew we needed to get married…so I did.”

“Nick, it’s okay…”

“No, it’s not,” he shook his head. His big blue eyes were so full of passion. I felt like this might have been something he had needed to say for a while, though it was hard to imagine. I never in my right mind imagined him apologizing to me for everything that had happened so many years ago. Nick wasn’t the apologizing time, like I mentioned earlier. “Just hear me out. It’s taken me so much time to get this out…” he sighed. “I kept telling myself if things had been different, I’d never gotten you pregnant in the first place and maybe we’d be happy. But then I think about Connor…and I’m so happy he’s in my life.” He said genuinely with a smile. “He’s made my life so much better. I’m just sorry I fucked up yours. Your life you had going for you was amazing.”

“Nick…” I was appalled. I couldn’t believe my ears. Part of me wanted to actually reach out and touch his hand to see if he was really there. “My life’s amazing right now. Connor is everything to me. I’d never in a million years regret having him.” I assured him. “I know things didn’t work out between us, but I think everything happens for a reason.”

Nick nodded and took another bite of his ice cream, trying to make it some kind of a distraction. “I’m glad you have Jake.” He said softly. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

“After tonight, I’m not sure I have Jake anymore,” I mumbled and traced my fingers along the bowl – it happened to be one of the bowls we had gotten at our wedding. A smile cracked my lips. “Remember when we got these dish sets? You and I both hated them.” I laughed, completely changing the subject.

Nick smiled and nodded. “Yep, but during the divorce I wanted to get my hands on as much as I could just to piss you off.” He shook his head. “I can be such an asshole.”

“Ah, yes you can,” I nodded with a grin. “However, I do remember I was the one that ended up getting your Cadillac…and sold it.” I winced, just remembering the awful thing I had done.

“Yeah, that was definitely a hit below the belt,” he nodded, speaking softly but with a light chuckle to his voice. It was that tone I couldn’t even listen to without my heart speeding up in my chest. His voice – that was something, along with his eyes, that was completely sexy about Nick. I couldn’t make the feeling go away, that’s how strong it was. “That, and…well, you getting full custody of Connor. That really hit me hard. Though, I should’ve expected it.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I knew Nick and I were completely different types of parents – I knew I was probably better off having completely custody over our son. But at the same time, if the roles had been reversed and Nick had gotten complete custody, I would have been devastated. I couldn’t even imagine how Nick felt. “I’m sorry about it all, Nick.”

“It’s okay,” he assured me with a small smile. “I’m thankful that you let me see Connor whenever you do. You’ve never really kept him away from me.” He thanked me.

“I could never do that. He loves you way too much,” I felt tears in my eyes – almost like I was saddened by everything Nick was telling me. Nick and I had never really talked this much without arguing.

He cleared his throat and put his now empty bowl down on the coffee table. “You should marry Jake,” he nodded, completely shocking me in the process. “He’d be good for you and Connor both.” He stood up and carried mine and his bowl into the kitchen, leaving me completely speechless.

2:34 am. My heart was beating so hard and so loud in my chest, I swear I thought it’d wake someone up. There was a dim light from the kitchen glowing. It took a minute for me to remember where I was and how I got there. That’s right. I had decided to crash on Nick’s couch – by the time we finished talking and reminiscing it was already 1:20 and I didn’t feel like taking a cab to the ferry, then walking back to my apartment alone.

But back to my throbbing chest, why did it feel like this? It was so terrible it had caused me to wake up. I sat up and placed my hand over my heart, trying to put a little pressure to see if it hurt. It sent a shooting pain through my chest and then I began to feel a little lightheaded. I stood to my feet and tried to adjust my eyes to the dark room, managing to shuffle my feet towards Nick’s room. I knew this would be awkward, but I really thought something might be wrong.

I opened his door to a crack, to see only blonde spiky hair sticking out from under the comforter. Trying to push the pain to the back of my chest I walked over and shook him gently. “Nick,” I whispered, trying not to startle him even though I knew he was a deep sleeper. “Nick, wake up.” I mumbled. I sat down on the edge of his bed, not feeling enough strength to stand up.

He moaned and groaned some, trying to turn over in his sleep, not wanting to listen to me. I closed my eyes momentarily, feeling the sting of tears filling them slowly. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I knew it had to be bad. I was scared. I didn’t want to die. And here Nick was, not able to wake out of his deep sleep to be of any help. I wasn’t even sure if he could help when he was awake. But it was worth a try.

“Nick, please. Something’s wrong,” I choked out. I hadn’t realized I was actually crying until I felt the wetness of tears cascading down my cheeks and the cracking in my voice. He jumped slightly and then sat up, squinting to try and see me through the darkness.

“Sarah?” He grunted out, his voice raspy with sleep. “What time is it? What’s going on?” He rubbed his hands over his face and yawned.

“It’s 2:30…” I mumbled and wiped my hands over my eyes to get rid of the tears. “Something’s wrong with my heart. My chest hurts really badly. I need to go to the hospital…” I tried explaining as rationally as possibly. After a few seconds, he didn’t seem to budge. He just sat, taking it all in. “I, uh, I can go call a cab or something…”I stood up, not really sure what else to do.

“No, no!” He jumped out of bed and grabbed a t-shirt from the floor. “I’ll drive you. I’ll go get Connor.” He hurried to the door across the hall and pushed it open. I stood up and waited for him in the kitchen, holding onto something for support. My chest was really hurting now. Shooting pains were springing from my heart to every inch of my body, or so it felt. I watched Nick carry a sleeping Connor out from his room towards us. He grabbed his keys and took my arm, leading me to the front door.

After we got situated in Nick’s SUV, he started for the nearest hospital. “What’s happening?” He finally asked after at least ten minutes of silence.

“I-I don’t know,” I choked out again. “I’ve never been so scared before, Nick.” I muttered and leaned my head against the window.

“It’s okay,” he reached over and took my hand in his, massaging his fingers over mine comfortingly. “You’re gonna be just fine. We’re going to get you to the hospital and they’re going to figure out what’s going on. Just relax, okay?” He sighed. I nodded and tried to focus on Nick’s hand rubbing mine and the lights in front of us. Anything to take my mind off the pain in my chest.

I sighed heavily as we pulled into the parking lot, just thankful we had finally gotten there. I felt like my chest was caving in, or something. As soon as we pulled up, Nick jumped out and hurried around to the side to help me out, then lifted Connor out of the back seat. A nurse hurried over as we entered the hospital. “What’s going on?” She asked as she helped me into a wheelchair.

“I have idiopathic dilatation of the main pulmonary artery,” I explained, tears still fresh in my eyes. Nick’s hand grasped mine as he walked with us where the nurse was taking me. “I think something’s wrong with my heart. My chest is hurting really, really badly. I don’t know what’s going on.” I began to ramble.

“Okay, you stay calm. I’m going to take you back to cardiology right now. Is this your husband?” She asked, glancing at Nick.

“Ex husband,” I corrected and brought my hand to my eyes.

“You know enough about her to fill out some paper work?” The nurse asked him. He nodded and swallowed hard, giving my hand a squeeze. “You stay out here with him and I’ll bring by that paper work. I’m going to take her back now.”

Nick nodded. “I’ll see ya when you get out.” He winked and I nodded, feeling a little safer just knowing he was there.

“Wait!” I called already halfway down the hall. “My son.” I motioned to Connor. The nurse smiled a small smile. Nick walked over and leaned Connor down; now Connor was about half awake. “I love you.” I whispered in his ear, trying not to cry. I kissed his forehead and nodded to the nurse. She pushed me through double doors and into a hallway full of stretchers and patient’s rooms. I went into a room where I recognized all the heart testing equipment.

“What’s your name?” She asked as she grabbed a folder from the door.

“Sarah James,” I swallowed hard and tried to take a deep breath, though it seemed so difficult.

“Ms. James, usually we make the patient fill out paperwork before coming back into the room, but your case is a bit different,” she tried explaining. “I’m going to let the doctor take a look at you before making any final decisions because, frankly, I’m not too aware of your condition. But I know you need to stay calm and relaxed, alright?”

I nodded again and closed my eyes. This was so scary; I wasn’t used to making middle of the night hospital visits. I decided to just wait it out. There was nothing I could do about it at this point. Now it was in the doctor’s hands. Well, theirs and God’s.

Back with Nick.

“Dad?” Connor mumbled and rubbed the sleep out of the corners of his eyes.

“Yeah, bud?” I said softly and kissed the side of his head. I knew he was going to start asking questions about where we were and why we were there, and honestly? I wasn’t sure I was ready to explain. He wasn’t completely sure of what Sarah had and I didn’t want to be the one to tell him she was really sick.

“Where are we?” He looked around the white waiting room we had been placed in where I was filling out paperwork.

“We’re at the hospital…” I started slowly. “Your mom’s kinda sick and she needed to come in and see a doctor.” I explained. He nodded slowly, trying to understand what I was saying.

“Is she okay?” He asked. I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

“Yeah, I think so,” I winked. “I’m going to call Uncle Brian and Aunt Leighanne in a little bit. There’s a vending machine in the other room. You wanna go get a soda or something?” I offered. He nodded so I pulled a few dollar bills out of my back pocket. “Don’t get lost.” I called after him and then turned back to the paperwork with a heavy sigh.

“Patient name,” I mumbled to myself. “Easy.” I shrugged, filling it in. “Status?” I read over the options; ‘Single’, ‘Married’, ‘Divorced’. I sighed and checked the last one. “Any allergies?” I grinned, remembering the two. Coconut and zithromax. It was strange how much I remembered, even stranger how well I had remembered it all. I glanced at the big clock on the wall. It was already almost 4am. I was going to be tired later.

I knew it was 1am back in California and figured AJ would probably still be awake. So I decided to try and call him.

“Nick? What the hell are you doing awake? Isn’t it like, 4 am over there?” I heard his voice after only two rings.

“Yeah,” I sighed and stood up to stretch my legs a bit. After getting a visual on Connor, I went back to talking to AJ. “Sarah’s really sick, man. Like, with that disease I was telling you about.” I tried to say softly so Connor wouldn’t overhear me.

“What happened?”

“She came to my room at like, 2:30 this morning saying her chest was really hurting and she thought something was wrong. She was crying, so I brought her into the hospital and they like, whisked her back there. I haven’t heard anything since,” I rubbed my temples. There was already a headache growing there.

“Oh man, I’m so sorry,” AJ muttered sympathetically. “Have you called Howie or Leigh? They’re in New York, right? Wait…” AJ paused. I frowned, wondering what had caused him to stop mid sentence. “She came to your…room?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, realizing he was going to question why she was in my apartment. “Last night, Connor came over to spend the weekend with me. He wanted her to come over for dinner, too. And, well, long story short…she did. Then we ended up talking late, so she just crashed on my couch. Nothing happened, I swear.” I rambled.

“Have you called Jake yet?” Ugh, that name. Jake. It hadn’t really hit me that her boyfriend would probably want to be a part of this.

“No…” I mumbled.

“Nick, you have to call him,” AJ said firmly. “You can’t just pretend it never happened. Let him know where you are. He’s in her life now. You need to start accepting that.”

It came off as rude and uncalled for, but yet it needed to be said. I needed to hear it. “You’re right, J. I’ll call him. Thanks.” I shuffled my feet.

“Okay, call me if you need me. I’ll hop on a plane out there for tomorrow morning,” he said. I grinned. The guys had always loved Sarah. She was a special part of their lives.

“I’m not sure it’s anything serious just yet, J. I’ll call you when I know more,” I shoved my hand in my pocket and continued to pace, something I was fairly good at.

“Alright. I’m here for you guys,” he said.

“I know,” I smiled. “Thanks.” I sighed and hung up, dialing Jake’s number.

With Sarah

“Hi Sarah, my name’s Dr. Lewis,” the Hispanic man smiled at me as he walked in with my chart, reading over it as he went. “I just read over those results from the tests this morning…” he trailed off a bit and then caught my gaze with his eyes once more. If the pain in my chest was any indication, I was pretty sure I was going to need this surgery. “Sarah,” he said a bit more seriously, sitting down in front of me. “We’re going to need to do this surgery.” I closed my eyes and silently prayed. I didn’t know what to pray for…my health? My safety? Anything I could get, really.

“What do you think will happen? Will you be able to fix it or are there risks?” I questioned, swallowing the lump in my throat.

“There are risks to everything,” he allowed a small smirk to crease his lips. “I could die driving my car to work tomorrow. Or I could die from a fire here in this room this very second. So yes, there are risks. But I know what I’m doing. I’ve studied this in med school. I don’t want you to worry right now. Worrying only makes this all worse,” he began to explain. “Basically every time you stress or you lift something heavy or you have a heavy work out, your tissue around your pulmonary artery stretches out a bit more and more. It’s causing it to rupture. After scanning it, we’re pretty sure the rupture has started and is only getting worse.” Even though it sounded horrible, it was finally some kind of understanding. “It hasn’t ruptured completely, but we still need to do the surgery and replace it with an artificial artery. Just so you know, we have a donor here with a heart. The blood type matches yours completely. We need it just to be safe.”

“To be safe…safe of what?” I asked, not completely following him.

“Just in case the replacing of the artery doesn’t work properly, we have a transplant ready. I can guarantee you I’ve done many transplants before and 90% of them have been successful. This surgery replacing this specific artery will be my first. So, if all else fails, we’ll just give you a new heart.” He tried to make it sound as light as possible, but it wasn’t helping much.

“A-a new heart?” I stuttered out. I wasn’t expecting that at all. It was one thing to have an artery replaced, it was an entirely different situation to have an entire heart replaced.

“Again, please don’t stress about this. That’ll only make it worse,” he patted my knee reassuringly. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “We’re going to put you up in a patient’s room until we can get the surgery going. I’ll bring in your family so you can visit with them and they can keep you relaxed.” He winked.

I sighed and nodded. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see Connor or Nick yet. I didn’t want them seeing me like this. As the nurse wheeled me into a room and handed me a gown, I tried to make myself look at least a little decent in the bathroom. Luckily I had the room to myself. I ran my fingers through my long brown hair and wiped underneath my eyes to rid myself of any leftover mascara or eye liner. I sighed and got comfortable in the bed as the door opened to my room.

“Momma!” I heard Connor and grinned.

“Hey baby,” I smiled and kissed the top of his head as he ran up to me and jumped up on the bed.

“Be gentle,” I heard Nick from behind him. He had bright orange and white lilies in his hand with a ‘Get Well’ balloon. I beamed. He remembered that, too. Lilies had always been my favorite flower growing up and carried with me into adulthood. That was one thing Nick was great at – sending flowers. Most of the time I wondered if he even wanted to…he probably had some assistant do it. But nevertheless, he had remembered today…when it mattered most.

“Aw, thanks Nick,” I smirked and took the flowers from him, bringing them to my nose to smell them. “Thanks for everything. For the flowers, for bringing me here, for filling out paper work -…”

“Hey,” he cut me off and sat down at the edge of the bed. “It’s definitely the least I could do. Besides, the flowers are from Connor.” He winked. Connor nodded and smiled a toothy grin, making me giggle.

“Baby, I got here as fast as I could!” Jake rushed through the door, a dozen red roses in his hand. “Oh my God, are you okay? What’s going on? When’s the surgery?” His questions began flowing but without even being able to answer them, I looked at Connor. I was almost sure Nick hadn’t explained it all to him just yet.

“Surgery?” Connor looked at me with wide blue eyes and a scared expression.

“Baby, it’s not a big deal,” I reassured him, bringing my hand to his cheek to comfort him. “The doctor said I’m going to be fine.” I tried to smile the best I could.

“How about I take Connor to go get a snack, okay?” Nick glanced down at Connor with a wink to try and persuade him to go. “We’ll be right back. Let’s just give Mom and Jake some time alone.” He took Connor’s hand and gave me an encouraging grin before he walked out.

“I wasn’t going to tell Connor,” I immediately said to Jake. No ‘hi’ or ‘hello’…I almost felt guilty for my lack of kindness. But I was disappointed he’d bring that up.

“I-I’m sorry…” Jake looked confused. “Shouldn’t he know? What if something happens?...” Part of me was angry that he would even say something like that.

“Would it kill you to stay positive for a little bit?” I snapped. “I need positivity, Jake…” I felt the tears in my eyes. “If I don’t have the support from you, my son and everyone else around here, I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through this and recover. So, I just need you to be a little bit more optimistic about this.” My anger was a mix of nervousness, sadness, fear…all rolled into one.

“Hey,” he sat down on the edge of my bed quietly. “It’s going to be okay, alright? I’m sorry I said that…I don’t know what it’s like to have a kid. I have no room to talk.” He immediately brought his hand to my cheek to wipe away the cascading tears. “Baby, we’re gonna pull through this. It’ll all be okay.”

I nodded and wiped at my eyes some more. “Can you go get Connor and Nick? I want to see Connor some more before I go in…” I tried to regain my composure as Jake nodded and kissed my forehead. As the door opened and the little blonde head of energy popped back in, I smiled. “Are you being good for Daddy?” I asked him as Nick took a seat in the back of the room, just watching everything unfold.

“Uh huh,” Connor grinned. “Daddy said he’d take me to school on Monday if it’s okay with you.” I realized Nick was trying to prepare him that I might not be home from the hospital just yet to take care of him as of Monday. Considering today was only Saturday and I was about to undergo heart surgery, I figured that was a pretty fair estimate.

“That sounds great,” I smiled up at Nick. “Listen, buddy.” I wanted to try to explain this as best as possibly. “My heart’s sick. And the doctor knows just how to fix it. But I might have to stay here for a little while. Do you think you could stay with Daddy for a few days? Maybe you could come visit me after school some days?” I glanced at Nick and he nodded.

“Okay…” Connor seemed a little hesitant.

“Hey Connor,” Jake butted in. I felt my heart nearly stop. Please don’t say anything offensive, I thought in my head, picturing Nick and Jake getting into a fist fight right here in my hospital room. “You could come and spend some time with me, bud!” He tried to sound enthusiastic. I watched the grimace across my son’s face.

“No thanks,” he said politely, but surely.

Instead of giving Nick the chance to say something, I cut in. “Jake, I think it’d be best that Connor stay with Nick.” I said rather softly. I could read the pleasure all over Nick’s face and the disappointment on Jake’s.

“O-Okay,” he nodded.

Before we even had the chance to get more into the conversation, the door opened and I saw Paige there, tears streaming down her face. “Hey, they just called me and…oh, hey Connor!” She quickly tried to dry her eyes and I thanked her silently for it. “How are you, sweetie pie?” She winked and knelt down to his level.

“Gooood,” he dragged out with a grin.

“Hey kid, let’s give your Mom some more alone time…” Nick chuckled.

“What’s with all this ‘alone time’?” Connor quoted, making all of us laugh – even Jake, a little.

“It’s some dumb girl thing,” Nick winked. I blushed, thinking about how Jake was probably a little offended by that comment. I’d have to talk to Nick about it later. Jake sighed and stood up, placing the roses on the edge of my bed.

“I’ll be out there…” he motioned to the waiting room and I nodded.

“Talk about awkward,” I sighed as soon as the door closed.

“Damn girl, I just can’t believe this is happening,” the tears quickly filled her eyes. “It’s like, one minute you’re perfectly fine and then next, Nick is calling me telling me you’re here.” She sighed and wiped at the corners of her eyes.

“Wait…Nick called you?” I frowned. I didn’t realize he had called everyone. Then again, who else could have done it? He was the only one that knew I was here.

“Yeah, he called Jake, too,” she nodded. “He’s really stepping up to the plate, Sar. He really cares about you,” she mumbled and played with her fingers. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay right now…” I nodded. “But I’m starting to have second thoughts.” She frowned, obviously curious about what exactly. “It’s like, Nick is really, really being great about all this. And I’m starting to wonder…”

“Oh no, that’s never good,” Paige shook her head. “Sarah, you’ve been there done that already. And besides, Jake loves you. Very much. And he’s great to you and Connor.” Paige nodded. “You should stick with that. True love always wins.”

I felt tears filling my eyes again. This time not because of fear of the surgery, but because of fear of my love life. Fear of what was going to happen.

“Look, Jake even brought you beautiful roses,” she brought the roses to her nose and smelled the sweet scent, a smile creasing her lips.

I licked my lips and shook my head. “He doesn’t know anything about me, Paige. I don’t even like roses. He knows that, too. He knows how I feel about roses.”

Paige couldn’t help but giggle. “Never knew you had such strong feelings about a flower.” I rolled my eyes, trying to be serious.

“I don’t, necessarily. I’ve always felt like roses were so cliché and the typical ‘romance flower’. I swore I’d never be with a man that bought me roses all the time. It isn’t true love to me. Nick used to buy me roses all the time when we were dating and married. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t true,” I sighed. “I told Jake that. He thought it was cute. My favorite flower is the lily…” I whispered as I absentmindedly ran my fingers over the lily petals.

“Well, who brought you those?” Paige frowned, pointing to the lilies.

A smile formed over my lips and tears flooded my eyes. “Nick. He remembered.”

With Nick

It had been storming here really badly the past few days. It wasn’t even snow – just lots of rain and even some thunder, which was really weird with it being midwinter. “I hate it when it storms…” Connor muttered as he pressed his nose against the window watching the rain come down. He had really been missing Sarah the past few days. Her surgery had gone over really well and everything seemed like it would work itself out in the end.

“How about we go see your mom? I’m sure she’d be up for some company,” I gave in. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to see Sarah...that wasn’t it at all. It was that every time I did go see Sarah, things were awkward. Not awkward in the sense that it had been because we were dealing with our divorce and trying to stay civil, awkward because I felt…strange around her.

“Okay,” he cheered up and smiled at me in the rearview mirror. I grinned back. Anything to make him happy. “Can we buy her more balloons and flowers?” Connor asked as he grasped my hand and we walked into the hospital.

I chuckled. “Bud, I think her room’s going to start getting cramped. We bring her stuff every time we see her,” I reminded him. Sarah probably had at least five dozen lilies and ten balloons. It was ridiculous. I saw Connor’s expression fall and I sighed, pulling out my wallet. “Fine, you pick something out. But how about something other than a balloon or flowers?” I suggested and he nodded.

“Mkay,” he grinned and hurried off into the gift shop at the bottom of the hospital. I glanced at my watch. 2:45. It was perfect timing for us to get up to see Sarah, then run off and get dinner for all of us.

“Hurry up, bud,” I called a few minutes later. I saw him eyeing a teddy bear holding a balloon and I nodded. “You can get that for her.”

“But it’s got a balloon,” Connor pointed out, making me chuckle. Smart kid.

“It’s fine. Your mom will like that one,” I winked and turned to the cashier as Connor pushed it up on the counter with a big grin.

“This is for my Mom,” he explained the woman at the registered, who smiled back as she rung up the stuffed animal and took the money from Connor. “She’s sick and she had surgery. So I wanna buy her something.”

“Oh really? You’re such a good son,” she smirked. “Your Mom’s lucky to have you and your Dad around!” She smiled up at me and I blushed. Oh no. I hated these conversations. Especially when they involved Connor.

“Well, they aren’t married anymore…they’re just friends,” he sounded so adult-like. And way too much information. I sighed and placed my hands on his shoulders.

“Alright bud, we should be getting up there,” I chuckled nervously towards the woman and took the change from her. “Thank you.” I nodded and headed outside the shop holding Connor’s hand in mine. “Connor, you don’t have to tell everyone that your mom and I aren’t married anymore…it’s awkward.” I made a sour face.

“Well why not? You aren’t married anymore,” he said matter-of-factly. “Besides, I don’t tell everyone.” I had to smile. He was too cute sometimes. “And why is it awkward?” Did he really have to ask these questions?

“Well…it’s just weird. I still care about your mom. When you say we’re divorced, sometimes people take it differently. A lot of times people that are divorced aren’t very nice to each other,” I tried to explain as we pushed the button to go up on the elevator.

“You and mom fight a lot,” Connor acknowledged.

“Everybody fights, little man,” I rubbed his head playfully and sighed, wondering how to begin explaining this. “No relationship is perfect. Your mom and I don’t fight half as much as a lot of other parents.” We really didn’t. There were definitely times where we argued, but there were also times where we didn’t. Some divorced couples could barely be in the same room together.

“Then why aren’t you together?” He asked just as the doors to the elevator opened. I sighed and stepped in, pushing the button for the second floor.

“Jeez, all the questions,” I chuckled, avoiding the previous question. I wasn’t sure what to say…not because I was trying to hide something from him. Just because I wasn’t really sure myself. I sighed and knelt down in front of him. “Connor, your mom and I love you so much, you know that right?” I asked him. One thing I promised myself when Sarah and I split up was that we’d never neglect Connor. Sure, I hadn’t been around as much as I probably should have when he was growing up, but I loved him very much and I hoped he knew that.

“I know,” he smiled as if it was a stupid question.

“Good,” I kissed his forehead. “Your mom and I might not always be friends…” I said slowly, trying to explain everything to him a little better. “But we’ll always love you so much.”

“You’ll always be friends,” he nodded. “I know it.” I had to laugh a little and nod as the doors opened on the second floor.

“Okay, if you say so,” I winked as we headed to her room.

With Sarah

I glanced towards the door as I heard someone turn the handle. My eyes lit up when I saw Connor with his big toothy grin. “Hey munchkin!” I exclaimed and opened my arms for him to run into them. I kissed the top of his head and grinned. “How ya been?” I winked. It had been too long that I was separated from him. It was already Friday. It had been almost a week since I’d had the surgery and I felt so much better than before.

“Good! Dad and I bought this for you!” He held up the stuffed bear and I grinned.

“You two spoil me way too much,” I winked up at Nick. I knew money wasn’t an issue for Nick, but really all this stuff was just too much. It seemed like every time he and Connor came to visit they’d bring something – flowers, balloons, stuffed animals…sometimes all three!

“Nah, you deserve it,” Nick laughed and sat down in a chair facing the bed.

“Momma! Guess what? I got an A on my spelling test!” Connor exclaimed with a smile. “Ask me how to spell ‘dog’!” I laughed along with Nick and nodded.

“Okay,” I grinned. “How do you spell ‘dog’, Connor?” I asked him seriously. He stood up straight and got a completely serious face on, making me bite my lip so I wouldn’t laugh out loud.

“Dog, D-O-G,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Good job, baby!” I kissed his forehead, laughing a little. “Did you study with daddy?” I asked him, glancing at Nick who nodded.

“Yep!” He smiled. “Dad’s a good teacher. He taught me how to spell it all and then I did really, really good on the test! So dad said maybe I can go to the basketball game this weekend!”

“Oh!” I smiled. “That’d be really nice of him. What else is new? Are you doing okay?” I ran my fingers through his blonde locks, trying not to allow myself to cry. I was a sap. Connor had never been away from me for very long. Usually he’d just spend a weekend every now and then with Nick. Sometimes he’d sleep over at Brian and Leighanne’s or Howie and Leigh’s for a night or two, but never this long. Besides, being cooped up in a hospital room wasn’t exactly fun.

“Yeah, the storm’s kinda scary, though,” he said, but tried to keep a brave face on. “Are you scared, mom? Because if you are, you can tell me and dad. We won’t tell.” He grinned while Nick and I laughed. The way we were all talking made it seem like we were a real family…together again. And I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t feel good.

“A little,” I nodded and ran my finger over his cheek. “You’re growing up, kid.” I sighed and I felt the tears coming. “You wanna run to the vending machine really quickly? I’m kinda craving M&M’s.” I winked.

“Can I eat the blue ones?” He grinned. I nodded and laughed.

“Don’t you always?” I beamed, tears continuing to well in my eyes. He nodded and ran off with the change to the vending machine across the hall.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked as soon as he was out of the room. “Are you uncomfortable? In pain?” He immediately stood up and approached the bed, coming closer to me.

I shook my head. “No,” I tried wiping at the corner of my eyes to stop the tears before they even started. “I miss him so much. I’ve never been away from him for so long. I’m so thankful that he’s doing so well with you and I appreciate what you’re doing so much. I just miss my baby.” I sighed and looked out the window to the hallway so I could see the top of Connor’s blonde curls.

“Sar, I’m sorry,” Nick sighed and picked up my hand in his. “I promise you I’d let you know if he was having a hard time. And I definitely can tell he’s missing you. But he’s doing okay.” He promised. I nodded and sighed heavily as the door opened. Instead of Connor, it was Dr. Lewis. Connor followed in behind him with the brown bag of M&M’s. Connor looked up at him apprehensively.

“Sarah, do you have a minute?” Dr. Lewis asked and sat down next to the bed. I nodded and glanced at Nick and Connor.

“Do you need me alone…?” I asked. I wasn’t sure what he was going to tell me; I surely didn’t want Connor to hear anything inappropriate.

“No, it’s fine,” he smiled, reassuringly. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and I smiled, nodding for him to continue. “I’ve looked over the results from the surgery, Sarah, and I’m really pleased. We were able to completely replace the artery. There are definitely many restrictions you need to follow, which I’ll go over with you and then have written down on paper for you. But I think it’s about time you can go home.” He beamed.

“Really?” I smiled, completely thrilled by the thought of sleeping in my own bed again and being able to be back with Connor.

“Absolutely! I don’t think there’s any reason to hold you captive here any longer,” he winked. “As long as you live with someone for a month or so that can help you around; you’re not going to be able to work, unfortunately.” He shook his head. “No driving for a few weeks. Try to stay off your feet for a little while…” Wait, was he really telling me I couldn’t live normally for a few weeks? And I had to live with someone…someone else?

“Oh, but my boyfriend’s in California…filming…” I said slowly. “Is there any way I could just stay on my own? I really don’t feel the need to stay with anyone…” I tried wording politely.

“Absolutely not,” he said firmly, but kindly. “Sarah, you just had a massive heart surgery. There’s no way you can be on your own for a little while. Do you have any friends that you could stay with?” The only friend I could think of was Paige. And she lived in a loft apartment in the middle of New York City with her boyfriend. Not exactly the perfect living arrangement – and there was no way Connor could move in there. It wasn’t very kid friendly, and besides, Paige didn’t have any guest bedrooms. I’d be sleeping on a pull-out couch.

“No…” I shook my head with a sigh, racking my brain to try and think of someone to live with.

“Uh…” Nick cleared his throat from the bedside. I cocked my head to question what he was about to say…and then it hit me. My eyes must have said it all, because next he said, “It wouldn’t be that bad, Sar. I mean, we’ve done it before…”

“So, mom, I’m right in here if you need me,” Connor pulled my arm towards his bedroom, showing me all around. I chuckled and nodded, kissing his forehead. I was still really sore from the surgery and the doctor had recommended I stayed off my feet for a while.

“Thanks, baby,” I winked. “I’ll be fine.” I nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed. He nodded and hurried off to his room to get ready for bed. Nick grinned at me from the doorway and I laughed. “He’s adorable. I think he’s soaking up all of this…you and me being in the same living situation together again.” I rolled my eyes. “Kids.” I sighed with a slight chuckle.

“Yeah, kids,” Nick nodded and shoved his hands in his jean pockets. “So I don’t have to worry about waking up to Jake standing over me with a baseball bat about to kill me for living with you, right?” He chuckled nervously, licking his lips in the process.

I rolled my eyes again. “Jake’s not the bad guy, Nick.” I tried defending him, even though these days I had been more than confused about my love life. “But no, he’s not going to be here because I haven’t told him yet.” I shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal and then took a little time to stand up and wobble towards the bathroom.

“You haven’t told him yet?” Nick sounded surprised. “Sarah, you’re going to have to tell him.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” I laughed, pushing him playfully. “I’ll tell him tomorrow. Today’s been such a big day and I’m exhausted.” It wasn’t a lie. I really was exhausted. Between the medication and the stress of the entire surgery, I was ready to just crash and go to sleep.

“How are you feeling?” Nick asked sincerely as I pulled out a toothbrush from the medicine cabinet with some toothpaste. I shrugged and looked at my reflection in the mirror, the big white bandage covering my heart.

“It’s sore,” I muttered, glancing down at my hands awkwardly. “But I mean, I’m glad they fixed it and I don’t really have to worry anymore.”

“I want you to remember it’s there, Sarah,” Nick said and made his way closer, leaning against the counter. “The doctor said there’s a chance the fake artery could still rupture. You have to be careful.” It was moments like that which made my heart flutter and butterflies go loose in my stomach. Why did he have to always say things like that?

“I’ll be careful,” I nodded with a grin. “You better get to bed, Mister. Who do you think is waking up with Connor tomorrow morning?” I laughed at his facial expression.

“Dammit, taking care of you means taking Connor to school bright and early every morning,” he whined playfully, making me laugh even more.

“Yes sir,” I winked and wet my toothbrush. So things weren’t so bad.

The next morning

“Momma! Dad said you’d be sleeping still!” Connor ran into the kitchen where I had started a pot of coffee – something Nick always managed to forget. I smiled and leaned down gently, careful not to hurt myself, to kiss the top of his head.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I shrugged. “I packed you lunch. Are you all ready for school?” I asked as he slipped his shoes on. He nodded and took the banana I handed him.

“I have my vocabulary test today,” he explained as he began peeling the banana. “It won’t be hard.” He reassured me.

“Did you and Dad study?” I asked him and he nodded. I poured some Kool-Aid into a cup and handed it to him. “Okay, well, good luck with it. You’ll do well. I’ll be here when you get home.” I smiled. I had to admit, it was nice to all be back together and be acting as if we were a family all over again. It was something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Even the nights where Jake would sleep over…it never felt the same.

“Hey,” Nick came into the kitchen looking confused. “What are you doing awake? You’re supposed to be sleeping.” He grinned as he noticed the coffee brewing. “Yeah, I could never get used to doing that after you left…” he trailed off.

My eyes nearly bulged out of my skull. “Nick, it’s been five years since I left,” I chuckled, trying to sound playfully. Yet I was completely shocked he just couldn’t get used to it.

“I know,” he shrugged. “There’s a lot of stuff I just haven’t gotten used to after you left.” He made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal but it SO was. I had to control myself from not letting my jaw drop.

“Like what?” I questioned, completely interested now.

“Stuff,” he shrugged again with a playful grin. “But I need to get our kid to school.” The way it sounded made me feel good inside. Again, it really felt like a real family…like it should. “I’ll be home later.” He opened the front door and called for Connor, and then they left.

I shook my head, not sure how to handle the entire situation with Nick. He was acting so strange lately. He was acting…nice? That wasn’t the Nick I used to know. I shrugged and sighed, wobbling into the living room with a cup of coffee to sit and relax – something I definitely wasn’t used to doing.

Then I saw my cell phone vibrating on the coffee table. I reached for it and sighed heavily when I saw it was Jake. “Hey,” I tried to sound as happy as possible.

“Hey!” He sounded excited. “Baby, why didn’t you call me when you left the hospital? I called your room looking for you and the nurse said you were sent home yesterday. How are ya feeling?” He asked. I smiled and took a sip of my coffee.

“Not too bad, a little sore, but not bad,” I explained, trying to think of how I was going to break the news to him.

“That’s good. Did Paige come to get Connor or is he still at Nick’s?” He asked. I bit my bottom lip, sorting through the words in my brain.

“He’s at Nick’s,” it wasn’t a lie.

“Oh, that’s good,” he said. “Do they have anyone helping you out? You must be struggling getting around or whatnot.” This was it. I was going to have to tell him. I knew I couldn’t blatantly lie – that wasn’t like me at all.

“Uh, yeah…I’m actually staying with Nick for a few days until I get back on my feet, well, more like a month until you get home,” I rambled quickly, as if me saying it faster would make the blow a little less painful.

“You’re staying where?” His tone immediately changed and I closed my eyes as if I could hide from his expression.

“Nick’s,” I sighed. “Paige doesn’t have the room for me and Connor. I really missed being around Connor before and after the surgery. Besides, I can really take care of myself…I just need someone around to be on the safe side.” I tried to play it off even though I knew he was furious.

“I’ll fly you out to California, then,” he said firmly.

“I can’t,” I sighed and stood up slowly to move around to the kitchen. “The doctor doesn’t want me on a plane for a month, at least. I have to take it easy and flying myself across the country definitely isn’t the way to do that.”

“Then I’ll come back,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’ll put off filming for a month. They won’t care. I run this show.” I rolled my eyes. I hated when he got to that point where he was egotistical and full of himself. “It’ll work out. I’ll get a flight home tonight and be there to pick you up tomorrow morning.”

“Do you not trust me, Jake? I don’t want you to come home,” as soon as I said it I knew it sounded harsh and rude. I sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, trying to rephrase what I said. “I don’t mean it like that. I just don’t understand why you’re acting this way. Nick and I are adults. We’re able to look past our differences and be friends, Jake. You must not trust me very much if you’re so worried about all this.”

“To be honest, it sounds like you’re hiding something,” he spat back. “I just don’t understand you anymore, Sarah. You’ve been so distant lately. You haven’t been yourself, at all.”

I felt tears flood my eyes; another side effect of the medicine was my emotions. I was so much more emotional being on these meds. “Sorry, Jake, it’s not like I just came out of a heart surgery or anything.” I muttered sarcastically.

“Baby, I’m sorry,” he sighed. I could tell he was just as stressed as I was, if not more. “I love you and I trust you so much. I just feel like I should be there for you right now. You’re going through a really rough time and I just want to be by your side.”

I knew his apology was sincere and he really was trying to make it all work out. “Jake, you should have thought about that before you flew across the country. I’ve needed someone for the past few weeks. The surgery was the least stressful moment. It’s the days after the surgery that count. And you haven’t been around. I had no one else to turn to. Nick was keeping Connor, and I needed Connor. So I went to Nick.” I tried explaining.

“Let me come home,” he sighed.

“Don’t,” I shook my head with a sigh, wiping underneath my nose with my hand. “I can do this on my own. I’ve been doing it for the past three weeks.”

“I feel like you’re trying to keep me away,” he sighed, feeling defeated. I bit my bottom lip, trying to think of what to say. In a sense, I kind of felt like I was keeping him away. I didn’t want him here. I wanted to stay with Nick. Part of me wanted to know what would happen if I lived with him for a month. I wanted to see if things could be different. “If you don’t want me to come back, then don’t say anything…” he said softly. I closed my eyes, trying to form the sentence in my mind for my mouth to spiel out, telling him how much I loved him and how much I needed him. But nothing came out…nothing but silence.

It was the most informative, loaded moment of silence I had ever spoken.

“Goodbye.” Was the last thing I heard Jake say.

I inhaled deeply and sighed at the smell of lemon cleaner. I scrubbed down the countertop, only wincing once at the pain in my chest. I preferred the physical pain of the surgery over the emotional pain from the phone conversation I had just had. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it anymore. Try as I might, I couldn’t seem to shake the conversation from my head. It was over. It was truly over with Jacob. I felt a sense of freedom – something I hadn’t felt in quite a while. I bit my bottom lip as tears flooded my eyes. Why are you being so God damn emotional?! I yelled at myself.

I heard the front door unlock and open and I quickly dried my eyes. No need for Nick to know I had been upset. “Sar?” I heard him call from around the corner.

“In the kitchen,” I said simply and continued to clean. I knew Nick would be unhappy with me for cleaning. Hell, he’d be unhappy with me just for being on my feet. Cleaning was my outlet. It was something I did so well whenever I was upset over something. In the hour and a half Nick had been gone today, I found I had cleaned the kitchen, the living room, Connor’s room, Connor’s bathroom and the guest bath. I cleared my throat and turned around to smile at him when he walked in the kitchen. I tried my best to ignore his look of utter confusion. “So how did Connor do this morning at school? I know this living arrangement is weird for him. I hope he handles it alright—“

“Seriously, Sarah?” Nick frowned, placing down the grocery bags from the Whole Foods he must have stopped at on his way home. “What the hell are you doing cleaning the kitchen? You shouldn’t even be on your feet!” He quickly scolded. I caught myself rolling my eyes. Ironic, how the tables had turned; back in the day I was always the one scolding him.

“It’s no big deal!” I tried smiling to prove I was really okay. “I feel great.” I lied a small lie. I didn’t feel great. But I didn’t feel horrible, either. “Cleaning is my outlet, Nick.” I shrugged. “It’s really okay.”

“No, no it’s not okay,” he grabbed my wrist and tugged me towards the couch. “You seriously need to take it easy. Look, you heard the doctor yourself. If you overdo it, the new artery could rupture and then you’re in for a transplant.” He swallowed hard just saying the words. I watched as his face became serious – too serious for my liking, in fact. Nick wasn’t a serious guy. He was always making a wise crack about something. This side of him was new to me and I wasn’t sure I was okay with it.

“Nick, really. I know what I can or cannot handle,” I shrugged him off and glanced down at my hands in my lap. He sighed and glanced around the living room.

“Did you fucking vacuum too?!” By now he was angry. So angry, he stood up and started pacing. “What are you trying to do, huh? Drive me crazy?! I can’t leave you at home because if I do, well you decide to go all Mary Poppins on my ass and go on a fucking cleaning rampage!” I got up and stood in front of him to stop the pacing.

“Nick! You are not my keeper, okay? You have no control over what I say or do, so why bother yelling at me? It’s not making the situation any better,” I put my hands on his chest and pushed him towards the couch in hopes to get him to sit down. No such luck. He, instead, grabbed my hands and held them in his to try and get me to focus.

“Look, I’m not yelling because I’m mad at you exactly,” he sighed, calming down quite a bit. “Sarah, what happened to you really scared the shit out of me. And this whole experience has made me realize how much I need you around. Not just for Connor.” He was talking so softly sure I wasn’t sure he was actually speaking. I felt like these might be thoughts in his head he didn’t want me to hear. “Please…please just take it easy, okay? Put your feet up. Rest. Watch a movie. Let me take care of you.”

I was about to interject until I heard those last six words. Six words I never thought I’d ever hear Nick Carter say. He wouldn’t even say them when I was pregnant with his son. I opened my mouth and then closed it immediately, emitting a smile from Nickolas Carter. “What?” I blushed.

“Never thought you’d hear me say it, did ya?” He chuckled, plopping down on the couch and pulling me down with him. I rolled my eyes and smacked his shoulder playfully. “All kidding aside, I mean it. Just this once let me be there for you and Connor, okay?” He sighed and I nodded. He seemed sincere enough. “Now, care to explain why you needed an ‘outlet’ like cleaning for an hour and a half?” He raised his eyebrows.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. No reason to beat around the bush. “I broke off everything with Jake.” I nodded and opened my eyes to see Nick’s reaction. He nodded once and broke eye contact, then looked back again.

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled. I don’t think he really knew what to say or what to do. I didn’t blame him; it was kind of an awkward situation. His ex-wife/mother of his son just broke up with her very serious boyfriend. What would you say to that? “Is there anything I can do?”

I shrugged with a small grin on my face. “Let me clean?” I joked. He chuckled and shook his head. “Just kidding. I mean, I’d appreciate it if you gave me my space and let me tidy up after myself and Connor. And well, you too, I guess…” Nick cleared his throat.

“I’ll let you clean every once and a while if you promise to try and rest some more. No more spending an hour and a half on your feet, okay? That’s ridiculous and pushing the limit,” Nick sighed and stood up. The conversation (if you could even call it that) about Jake and I breaking up had gone much quicker than expected. I was okay with that. “Deal?”

“Deal,” I grinned and stood up from the couch. “So what’d you buy?”

“Ah!” Nick pointed his finger at me as he headed into the kitchen. “Sit your boney ass down.” He pointed to the couch behind me. I snorted and put my hands in the air as if I were surrendering. I slowly made my way over to the couch and sat down, giggling a little on the way.

“Yes, sir,” I mumbled and saluted him dramatically. He rolled his eyes and started going through the grocery bags, putting the cold items away as he went. I was shocked Nick had gone to Whole Foods. He rarely grocery shopped as it was (knowing Nick if it couldn’t be shoved in a freezer, taken out and prepared in a microwave in ten minutes, he didn’t buy it) but to go all the way to a Whole Foods Market was really impressive.

“I got some fresh fruit, vegetables,” he said as he held up a bag of carrots. “Some meat for burgers I thought we could have sometime this week, um…I got some fruit roll-up things for Connor. I know you said he likes to take those to school with him,” he explained and continued rummaging through the bag. “Oh and I picked up some pasta – I thought we could have lasagna tonight for dinner.” He shrugged. I must have worn my shock all over my face because when he looked at me, he did a double take a laughed. “What’s the expression for?”

“Um. Who are you and what did you do with my ex-husband?” I had to contain myself from laughing. Nick never, ever did the shopping when we were together. Not even when I was pregnant, really.

“Well, that Nick is in the past,” he shrugged with a fairly serious look on his face. “I’m gonna take care of you, remember?” There was that infamous grin. I sighed and bit my bottom lip.

Nick Carter made me want to be independent years ago; he made it so I had to learn to never depend on a man again. I had to be my own person. And here I was, sitting in Nick Carter’s living room six years later. And all I wanted to do was be taken care of again. No man had been able to alter me before Nick Carter. Some things never change.

“Momma! Momma!” Connor barged through the front door, carrying his backpack on one shoulder. He had a folder in one hand and a picture in the other. I grinned and swung my legs over the couch to greet him. It had been almost three weeks living with Nick and everything had gone rather well. Better than I could ever expect, at least.

“Hey buddy!” I grinned and wrapped my arms around him in a hug. I kissed the top of his blonde head and smiled. “What’s so exciting?” I pretended like I had no idea what was going on. He grinned his toothy grin showing off a spot where one of his front teeth used to be – his first visit ever from the tooth fairy had occurred a week ago.

“It’s Christmas break!” He cheered rather loudly. I laughed and nodded.

“That it is,” I sighed, pretending that it wasn’t anything exciting. “I guess that means that Christmas is coming up? Hm. Nothing too exciting about that. I don’t know of any little boys around here getting a visit from Santa Clause.” I tapped my chin, acting as though I had forgotten all about him.

Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Oh Momma. Everyone knows Santa isn’t real.” He sighed. My jaw dropped and my eyes grew wide in bewilderment.

“Connor Nickolas!” I exclaimed. “Of course Santa’s real.” How in the world did my innocent, precious six-year-old already know there wasn’t a Santa Clause? “Who in the world told you that?” I frowned as he dropped his backpack to the floor along with the other belongings he held in his hands. He shrugged.

“Austin mentioned it first. Then Chris told me the same thing. And Baylee knows too,” he nodded his head about some friends from school and Brian and Leighanne’s son, Baylee. They had visited us in New York a week or so ago for a few days and Baylee and Connor hit it off.

“Well, Santa’s real,” I said matter-of-factly. “And if you don’t believe in his magic then you won’t get presents on Christmas.” I raised my eyebrows and his big blue eyes got big, making me grin. I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “So what’d you bring home for me?” I asked, trying my best to change the subject.

“A picture!” Connor remembered the construction paper he had in his hands a few moments ago. He grabbed it off the carpeted floor and held it up for me to see. I frowned, trying to decipher the picture. Seeing my confusion, he quickly explained. “It’s you, me and Daddy. We’re in Florida.” He pointed to what I assumed was supposed to be the ocean in the background and the bright sun above.

“Oh,” I smiled. “It’s very nice, Con.” I beamed, a proud mother at her best. “I’ll put it up on the refrigerator.” I stood up and walked over to the kitchen. “Buddy, I think your Uncle Aaron and Aunt Angel might come spend Christmas with us this year!” I exclaimed, hoping he’d be excited. Connor really never got to know any of his relatives. He called all the guys from the Backstreet Boys his ‘uncles’ and their significant others his ‘aunts’. However I had always been an only child and both of my parents had moved to North Carolina when I married Nick. So he rarely saw them. Connor used to never even see Nick, so therefore he didn’t ever see Nick’s siblings or parents.

“Cool,” Connor said simply as he pulled out the Xbox Nick had purchased for him when we ‘moved’ in. He started fidgeting around with the games. I sighed and pulled out a magnet from the fridge to put up Connor’s picture.

“I bet your Uncle Aaron likes to play Xbox, too,” I grinned, trying to get him excited. I knew this holiday season would be awkward. As if living with Nick wasn’t awkward enough. I glanced at the clock; it was already almost four. “Where’d your Dad go?” I frowned, realizing Connor didn’t drive himself home from school, obviously.

“On the phone,” Connor answered simply as he began playing his basketball game.

“Okay, well don’t get too comfortable there, mister. I’m going to start dinner soon,” I pulled open the cabinet to decide on what to do for dinner. I settled on simple spaghetti and meatballs. I filled a pot with water and set it on the stove to boil when I heard the front door open.

“Nice shot, Con,” Nick commented as he passed by the living room and headed into the kitchen. “Hey.” He sighed. He pulled up a stool to the counter and sat down, leaning on his hands.

“Hey,” I answered simply. The curiosity was about to get to me – he had been outside an awfully long time on the phone. But Nick’s business was no longer any of my business. “Everything okay?” I decided on asking instead of the juicy, ‘So who was that on the phone?’ question.

“Yeah,” he licked his lips. Oh no. That was never good. I stopped what I was doing and turned towards him, one hand on my hip; just waiting for him to continue. “Uh, that was Johnny on the phone.”

“Wright?” I frowned. In the few weeks I had been living with Nick, Johnny had only called once. Nick had explained the situation and that he didn’t really feel that it was appropriate to leave Connor and me alone in New York. He said that we were his top priority – he that could’ve fooled me years ago.

“Yeah,” Nick nodded. “We’re talking about going into the studio again early January before we take off for the South American part of the tour…” he explained. I had to mentally tell myself not to allow my jaw to drop. I guess I had forgotten about the tour? Either that or Nick had never mentioned it. “Well, Chris Brown wants to record our first single with us.” He chuckled, his smile finally busting out. “Chris freaking Brown, Sarah! Do you know how incredible that is?” I laughed at his excitement. He was now dancing around the kitchen. Connor had paused his game and come into the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about. “Chris Brown is so popular right now, this is HUGE!”

“I’m so happy for you!” I grinned as he came over and gave me a big hug.

“What’s goin’ on?” Connor frowned and cocked his head to the side.

“Daddy’s going to record in the studio with Chris Brown in a few weeks!” He beamed and lifted Connor into the air. “We need to celebrate! Where’s the one place you want to go to dinner, Con? Any place in New York or even Jersey for that matter. Anywhere at all!” Nick spun Connor around and he giggled.

The excitement was great – it was nice to see Nick so happy. But at the same time, I kept thinking about what he had said. The tour. South America. Nick was leaving. I should’ve known it couldn’t possibly last. Nick had another life to live. A life that he loved; something neither Connor or I could ever prevent him from doing. “Chuck E. Cheese!” Connor exclaimed making Nick laugh.

“Ya sure, bud? Anywhere in New York?” He tried enticing him to pick a fancier restaurant. Both Nick and I knew Connor hated getting dressed up and going out to a fancy, upper-scale restaurant.

“I’m sure,” he beamed. Nick placed him down on the ground and turned back towards me.

“I’m so happy for you, Nick,” I smiled, trying my hardest to push the thoughts of him leaving to the back of my mind. “It’s so exciting.”

“Yeah,” Nick shook his head with a laugh. “I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe he agreed to it.” He glanced back up at me and a frown creased his brow. “You okay? You look kinda…bummed.” I shrugged.

“Not bummed! Not at all. Just tired,” I smiled and turned off the stove, dumping out the water in the process.

“Are you okay for going out to dinner?” He asked and ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. I nodded quickly with a smile.

“I feel great!” I lied. I felt devastated and I wasn’t even sure why. Nick and I weren’t together – far from it. I sighed and pulled my light brown hair behind my shoulders in a low ponytail. “Let me just go get changed and we can get ready to leave.” I grinned. I pulled the boiling water off the stove and dumped it carefully into the sink, turning off the stove in the process.

“Sounds great,” Nick smiled. “I’m gonna call Howie and see if he and Leigh might want to join us.” He stepped into his bedroom and closed the door. I stepped into mine and closed my eyes. I picked out a black sweater that stretched down to my thighs in a form-fitting manner with a pair of jeans. I pulled out the ponytail and ran a brush through my hair, adding a bit of mascara and lip gloss.

“Connor, go ahead and get your shoes and coat on please!” I called into the living room. I heard him clean up his game and hurry into my room. “Hey bud, I think your coat is still by the front door from when you came home from school.” I looked down at him, his head down and his hands wringing. “You okay, Con?” I frowned and knelt down to his level.

“Where are we gonna go?” He frowned, his blue ocean eyes full of worry. My brow furrowed much like his.

“What do you mean, buddy? We’re going to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner, remember?”

“No, Momma,” he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Where are we gonna go when Daddy goes on tour?” He asked matter-of-factly.

“Well. We’ll probably go back home…” I explained. “By then I should be fine to be back on my feet on my own again.”

“When Daddy comes home will we come back?” He asked softly, as if he already knew the answer and he wasn’t happy with it. Almost as if he wished the answer wasn’t what he expected.

I swallowed hard and glanced down towards the white plush carpet. “Uh, probably not kiddo. But I’m sure you’re Dad will be around a lot more and you’ll be able to spend more time with him…” I tried making it seem reasonable; make it all okay. I swear I saw tears in his beautiful eyes. And it tore me up inside. “But hey! Your Dad will probably come back to New York a lot more to spend time with you.” I explained, running my fingers through his blonde hair. “Things have changed a lot, Con. Our relationship with your Dad is a lot different than how it used to be.”

Connor nodded and sighed heavily. “Things are gonna be really different when he leaves.” He made a face and I smirked.

“It’ll be okay. I promise,” I winked. “You can even ask your Dad. Maybe we’ll go visit him on tour or something.” I shrugged and immediately regretted saying that out loud. I saw his big blue eyes light up and a smile tug at the corners of his lips.

“Really?!” He grinned.
“Maybe,” I quickly jumped back into the conversation. “I said maybe, buddy. The flights out to South America are really expensive. But we’ll talk about it once it gets closer. Go get your coat and shoes!” I stood up and patted his behind to get him moving. He giggled and hurried out of my room. I groaned and grabbed my purse and coat off the chair by the door, meeting the boys in the living room.

“Ready?” Nick grinned and I nodded. The three of us walked out of the apartment and down the stairs to the car, like a family would. The thought brought a warm feeling to my heart and a smile to my lips. Family.

I sipped coca-cola through my straw as I watched Connor play another game. The smell of feet and cheese pizza was a little nauseating, but I made do – Chuck E. Cheese was Connor’s favorite place. “So…how are things?” Leigh grinned as she took a bite of her pizza. Nick and Howie were standing over by Connor’s game chatting. I knew they were probably talking about being back in the studio and the upcoming tour.

“Things are alright,” I shrugged with a grin. “I’ve been feeling really great lately. I’ve been able to be up and moving around.” I nodded and watch Connor high-five Nick after winning a long strand of tickets.

“Have you talked to Jake at all?” Leigh was the newest addition to the Backstreet family, though she had been around for a while. We all knew she’d end up with Howie one day; we just weren’t sure when it would happen, exactly. I was closest to Leighanne out of the women, but Leigh and I had become so much closer once she and Howie moved up north.

I shook my head ‘no’ and took another drink from my cup. “Not at all. I know he’s back in the city for a little while on break from filming,” I sighed. I was really hoping I’d never had to see him again. Though I knew that was immature and fairly inappropriate. I wasn’t sure how he felt about everything. We really hadn’t talked in a few weeks – I wasn’t sure if that was enough cool-off time or not. I knew I wasn’t interested in a relationship with Jake anymore. It wasn’t working; we both knew that. But at the same time, he was someone I spent years of my life with. He was around while Connor was growing up, more than Nick ever was. I didn’t want to just cut him out of my life.

“Howie actually ran into him the other day,” Leigh made a face. I knew the curiosity could have killed me, but I tried not to wear it on my face. Instead I distracted myself by taking another drink of my soda.

“Oh really?” I tried sounding as indifferent as possible. “Where at?”

“Downtown, actually,” Leigh explained. “Howie was picking up some fresh flowers for me because I was running late at work and Jake was there.” Jake? Flowers? What? “Howie said he looked good. He asked how you were doing. Howie told him that you were feeling much better and adjusting back to life.” She described. “Howie really didn’t want to give away too many details…he wasn’t sure what was appropriate and what wasn’t.” She shrugged.

“I appreciate it,” I nodded and smiled over at Connor who had just won another game. “It’s just so hard, ya know? He’s talking about marriage and kids…when I’m not sure I could ever get married again. I’m completely content with how life is.” I sighed. “I love Connor to bits and pieces and I don’t regret him at all. But at the same time, I’m not sure I want any more kids…”

“I understand,” Leigh put her hand on mine. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.” She winked. “Jake is a different personality, Sar. He was the complete opposite of Nick.”

I nodded and looked over at Nick, laughing hysterically at something random. “That he is…or was.” I muttered.

“Nick’s changed a lot, Sarah,” Leigh raised her eyebrows and sat back in her chair, sipping from her straw. “I’m not going to push you back to him, but I will tell you that he’s improved so much in the last two months or so that he’s been talking to you again…”

I watched as Nick glanced back at us and I looked away. “I know.” I nodded. “You’re right.”

“Momma! Momma!” Connor yelled and ran over to me. “Check it out!” He beamed and held out his handfuls of ticket strands. “Dad won these…” he piled the majority of the tickets on the table. “Then Uncle Howie and I won these.” Leigh and I both laughed at how much smaller their pile was. Granted, Howie probably won most of his and Connor’s shared stash, but still.

“Hey, no fair,” Howie walked up behind Connor. “Nick was playing before we even got here.” He whined. Leigh rolled her eyes.

“You’re such a kid,” she laughed.

“Oh great, just wait until you guys decide to have kids,” I started. “Nick was such a huge kid when we got pregnant. Thankfully Connor turned out alright,” I winked. We all looked around; it was nice that I could joke about things again. Before it was like whenever I’d talk about Nick and my relationship I was walking on egg shells. I’m sure everyone else felt the same.

Howie and Leigh stole a glance at each other. Leigh bit her bottom lip and smiled. “Should we tell them?” She asked him and he nodded.

“Go for it,” he urged her, rubbing her shoulders comfortingly.

“We’re pregnant!” Leigh exclaimed, laughter heavy on her voice. I squealed and my eyes nearly popped; I had no idea they were trying. I instantly jumped up and hugged her; Nick did the same with Howie. We were all laughing and chatting, having a grand time.

“That’s so great, Leigh. Congratulations!” I grinned and sat back down. Nick and Howie went on chatting, probably about kids/touring/life. I touched her hand gently. “If you need anything, anything at all, please call me.” She grinned and nodded.

“Absolutely. I’ll probably take you up on that,” she chuckled. “I’m so excited but nervous at the same time.” She sighed.

“Aw, I know,” I nodded, completely aware of what she was feeling. “When Connor was on the way I was so nervous and unsure about what to do, how to take care of myself, how to take care of him!” I laughed. “It was all so new to me. But I’m here for you. I’ve been there, done that. So any questions, concerns…please call.” She nodded.

“It’s really nice to have you so close. Whenever we’re not traveling – well, I’m not going to be doing much of that this tour,” she laughed nervously. “But whenever we’re not traveling I’m usually here. So it’ll be nice to have you around.” She rubbed my arm with a grin.

I had completely forgotten about the tour, once again. “Is Howie going to be able to take time off?” I asked her. I knew that was probably something she had been avoiding, but I was curious and I felt like it wasn’t too touchy of a subject.

She sighed and I realized it might be. “Well, the baby’s due in September right now – but it’s so early to tell,” she touched her belly nonchalantly. “But once it gets closer I really hope he can take a break for a while. I don’t see why he couldn’t.” She shrugged.

I nodded. “I’m sure it’ll all be fine.” I grinned. “To be completely honest, I wasn’t even aware they were leaving to go on tour again until this afternoon.” I chuckled as if it were funny, but in my heart I knew I was laughing to disguise the hurt I felt.

“Really?” Leigh’s eyes bulged. “Wow, I thought we might have talked about it before, but I guess we haven’t. Nick didn’t tell you?”

“He might have,” I shrugged it off, as if it were no big deal. “I must have just forgotten.” I said coolly. “I’m a little worried about Connor, though.” I sighed and watched him climb up the indoor jungle gym and play in the sea of rainbow-colored plastic balls. “He’s so used to Nick being there every morning to take him to school and picking him up every afternoon. He’s used to him being at dinner, playing with him in the park…all that stuff.” I shrugged.

Leigh smirked and I wasn’t quite sure why. “What is it?” I asked her.

“Nothing, it just sounds to me like it might be you who is more worried to see Nick go,” she raised her eyebrows again in that all-knowing stare. “Sarah, you can admit these things to me.” She grinned. “I won’t tell.” I rolled my eyes. “Really! I won’t!” She exclaimed with laughter playing on her tone.

“I know, I know,” I sighed. “There’s just so much drama right now…I haven’t really talked to anyone about this.” I bit my bottom lip. It was the truth. I hadn’t even brought it up with Paige yet. It was just something I wasn’t willing to talk about with anyone. “It’s just, I think these are mixed feelings. Nick is being so great right now. I just have a feeling I’m going to wake up from this dream sometime soon and everything’s going to go back to the way it was before.” I sighed. “He’s going to go on tour, fall back into those rock star traps he always manages to find, and he’s gonna forget about me and Connor.” I couldn’t help it. I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes.

“Sarah, he is not going to forget about the two of you!” Her expression became sympathetic and she took my hand in hers. “Nick has changed so much. He loves Connor and he cares about you so much. His life has changed the past few months. A lot. He’s not going to just forget about any of it.” She reassured me.

“This just scares me,” I shrugged. I wiped at the tears falling from my eyes. “Before he came back into my life I couldn’t picture living with anyone ever again or being with another man ever again. And now I can’t seem to picture my life without him.” She rubbed my hand consolingly and gave me a small smile.

It was the truth. Nick Carter had managed to come into my life again and turn everything around. Only instead of everything being upside down like it was when he left me, it was all now right side up; and I wanted it to stay that way forever.

I folded the last bit of clothes and zipped up Connor’s suitcase. “Well, that’s the last of it.” I rubbed his blonde head and kissed the top of it. “You wanna go pack up Toby’s stuff?” Toby was the three week old golden retriever Nick had surprised Connor with for Christmas. It certainly was a surprise, alright. At first I was mad, but when I saw Connor’s face when he heard the puppy bark, my anger seemed to disappear.

“K,” Connor said simply and bounced into the living room where we were currently keeping the baby golden retriever’s belongings. I sighed as I did one final glance around the room. Even though we had been staying with Nick for months, we didn’t have all of our things at his place. Most of our clothes were still at our apartment back in Jersey.

“How’s it going?” Nick sighed as he came into the room. He had tried to help us out as much as possible, but he was busy packing up for the Backstreet Boy’s second leg to their Unbreakable tour which was to take place in South America.

“Not too bad,” I grinned. “Connor’s packing up Toby’s stuff and I’m finishing with the clothes. We should be out of your hair in an hour or so.” Nick chuckled and rolled his eyes.

He ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. I loved the way he was keeping it recently; he stopped dyeing it and started wearing it naturally. Connor ran into the room, tackling Nick against the back of his legs. “I’m gonna miss you guys.” Nick grumbled and picked Connor up, swinging him around the room. I shook my head and laughed as Toby came bounding into the room after Connor.

“Can we come with you?” Connor pouted as Nick placed him back down onto the carpet.

I rolled my eyes. I was always the bad guy when it came to Nick leaving for tour. Nick would invite Connor to come along and I’d be the ‘mean-old-mom’ that said no. I took in a breath, ready to battle it out with Connor and explain why he couldn’t follow his dad around the globe when Nick decided to surprise me, yet again. “Bud, you have to go to school.” Nick knelt down in front of him, brushing his hair back with his hand. “I’ll be back soon, though. And I promise,” he glanced up at me in the process. “I promise to both you and your mom that when we come back to the states, I’m coming back to New York.”

Connor got a big grin on his face. “Really?”

“Really,” Nick confirmed with a nod of his head. Connor started bouncing around the room and ran into the living room, followed by Toby nipping playfully at his ankles.

“Nick,” I sighed as I pulled at the suitcase so it was standing on the ground. “Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Who said I wasn’t keeping them?” Nick folded his arms across his chest.

“I’m just saying…you aren’t going to be back in the states for a few months now. What if something comes up? Things change, Nick,” I sighed and dropped my voice to a whisper so Connor wouldn’t eavesdrop. It had been weeks since we had fought in front of him. “I’m not saying you’re not good for it. The past few months you’ve proved to me that you mean what you say. I’m just saying that things change constantly. Just don’t promise him something and don’t follow through.”

Nick nodded and licked his lips. “Sarah, I could never picture myself away from you two again.” He said softly. “I-I…” he started saying and then his cell phone went off. “Dammit.” He sighed. Glancing at his BlackBerry screen, he clicked the ‘talk’ button. “Hello? Hey J, can I call you right back?” He asked. After a pause, he continued. “Man, okay, fine!” He muttered and hung up. “I have to go…can I call you?”

I smirked. It was almost like a young boy asking a girl he had a crush on if he could call her. But I knew Nick and I knew that just meant he was on a tight schedule and needed to go, but he wanted to finish this conversation later. “Yeah,” I nodded. “Connor, come say by to your dad!” I called into the living room. “I’ll lock up and then where do you want the key?” I asked him.

“Just hold onto it. Hold me to my promise,” he winked. Connor ran into Nick’s legs again and wrapped his arms around him.

“I’m gonna miss you, bud,” Nick lifted him into a big hug. “I love you so much, Con.” He sighed into the boy’s blonde locks.

“Love you, too,” Connor sighed. He pulled away from Nick for a second and stared into his eyes. “When you come home, can I live with you?” My eyes grew large and I swear I felt my heart stop. My breath caught in my throat and I quickly felt tears flood my eyes. Nick slowly set Connor down on the carpet like he had moments before.

“Uh…” he wasn’t sure what to say. I was waiting for him to throw out a, ‘well, we’ll talk about it later’ or a, ‘you should ask your mom about that one’ comment. He always left it up to me. “Connor,” he sighed and knelt down. “I love you so much…I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you.” He grinned. “But I’m constantly traveling with the Backstreet Boys. I’m never in the same place. You’d have to switch schools and live out of a bus; and that’s no fun.” He shook his head ‘no’. “Besides,” he looked up at me. “I know you and I know you’d miss your mom way too much.” He chuckled.

Connor nodded and smiled up at me, clearly missing the tears pooling in my eyes. “Okay,” he sighed. Nick kissed the top of his head and stood up, waiting for me.

“Connor, how about you go open the door and let your Uncle AJ in,” Nick said as someone knocked on the door. Once Connor left to room, I dabbed underneath my eyes to dry them. “Aw, Sarah, don’t cry.” Nick sighed. “He wasn’t serious. He doesn’t understand the concept.” Nick shook his head.

“No, I know,” I nodded and sniffled a little. “Thank you.” I said seriously.

He frowned. “For what?”

“For growing up. For becoming a father over the past few months,” I smiled, still feeling the tears in my eyes. Though this time it was because I was saying goodbye to Nick, ironically. “I have never seen Connor happier, Nick. I mean it. You’ve seriously stepped up to the plate and I can’t tell you how grateful I am.” I dabbed at my eyes again and shocked myself when I wrapped my arms around him. “Seriously, Nick. Thank you for everything.”

Nick instinctively wrapped his arms around me in a friendly gesture, only I felt so much more. I closed my eyes and took in his scent, thinking about all the times when we were together and times were good – times were great. I pulled him closer and played with the hair at the base of his neck and tried to hold in my tears. His fingers traced small circles on my lower back and sent shivers up my spine.

Then it hit me.

Nick was leaving for a different country in less than two hours. I couldn’t do this; not now. I pulled away hastily and kissed his cheek on the way down, sniffling some more and wiping at my eyes. “Have a safe trip.” I mumbled and pulled at my suitcase. He looked a little shocked and concerned at what had just happened; I wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

“Here, let me,” he took my suitcase from me, brushing my hand in the process.

“Thanks,” I muttered and glanced up at him once more. Before I could understand what was happening, his hands reached up and cupped my face and his lips tackled against mine.