"God! I don't think I can take this fucking ship much longer" I say outloud to myself. I haven't seen land in 23 days, muchless touch it. I am in the Navy and I have been deployed on a Navy vessel for almost a month now. Luckly, were are due for a port call tomorrow. It is going to be awesome to go to Spain. I joined the Navy exactly for that purpose. To travel and see the world. After a long 7 months in Iraq with the Marines, I am ready for some beautiful cities. No more sadness. I am just now getting over the severe depression I suffered from being in Iraq. I need something positive and uplifting in my life.

I get up out of my bunk and walk down into medical were I work at. I am Corpsman. I specialize in pharmacy. "What's up, Farrah?" I ask one of my co-workers. "Not much" she replies, "We are pretty slow today". I keep walking downt he hall and into the patient ward. It is one of my favorite places to go. We don't normally have any patients, so I can sit in there and watch TV by myself.

"Hey Dessie!" I turn when I here my named called.

"What Can I do you for?" I ask when I notice that it is my friend Rachelle.

"Not much, just wondering if you have any plans for Rhoda tommorrow?"

"No, not really. I was thinking of maybe doing some site seeing and some shopping. I hear they have an awesome shopping district." I reply.

"Really? Do you mind if I come along?"

"Not at all, I need someone to keep me company."

"Cool. Well I guess I will catch you later. I am gonna go take a shower and then head for bed" Elle replies.

"Yeah, me too. I wanna get to bed early that way, the morning seems to come much quicker!"

"Ok see you in the morning" Elle turns and walks out. I get up a few minutes later and go back to my bunk to get my things for a shower. "God, it would be so nice to be able to take a bath" I say to myself. "Maybe I will rent a room, just so I can take a bath" I continue thinking out loud.

I go shower and then go back to my bunk and crawl into bed. Seven hours and I will be in Rhoda, Spain. I smile to myself before nestling under my blanket and falling asleep.

I open my eyes and realize that it is morning. I smile to myself knowing that in about an hour I am going to be off of this ship. I get out of my bunk and stretch my arm to the ceiling and squeal loud. That is kind of my thing…. Squealing… I do it a lot. I walk over to my locker to decide what I am going to wear. I look through my clothes and decide on a light blue tank top and some black skinny jeans. I choose a pair gray flats to wear with them. I pull my blond hair up into a high pony tail. I put on some mascara and lip gloss and then examine myself in the mirror.


I really wanted to lose about five more pounds. I am not fat over overweight by any means, but I gained a little bit of weight when I returned from Iraq last year. I started to drink a lot and I found comfort in food. I was now only five pounds from my original weight. My long blond hair desperately needed to be trimmed. It was getting so long. It is almost touching my butt now.


I look at myself one more time and walked out of the room to go find Elle. “It is about damn time” she said as I walked in the room. “I was beginning to think that you left me.”


“Sorry, I was having trouble deciding on what shoes to wear”


“You ready” she say’s jumping up.


“Yeah.” I reply as we turn to walk out the door. Once we leave the ship I immediately feel like I am going to puke. After being on a ship for so long flat ground feels really weird. It is like when you are running on a treadmill and you suddenly get off without progressively slowing down. You know you kind of feel like you are walking on air. After a few minutes we get our land legs back.


“So, where to first?” I ask excitedly.


“How about shopping!?” she replies as an evil grin moves across her face.


“Oh yeah! Let’s go!”


We take a cab to the shopping district. When we get there I am stunned. It is absolutely amazing. The streets are all cobblestone and the street light are actually little lamps. It smells of a bakery and a flower shop at the same time. I can’t help but realize that all of the conversation around me is completely foreign. The language sounds so beautiful. I make a mental note in my head to learn to speak Spanish.

“Let’s go in there.” points Elle. She is pointing to this quaint little clothing store. We head over and I instantly see things that I want. As I rummage through the racks I can’t help but think about being home, so that I could be doing some shopping with my little sisters. Since joining the Navy, I never see them anymore. I choose a few tops and a really cute hand made scarf and pay for them. As Elle and I walk out of the store we are suddenly bombarded by people running in every direction. With in an instant I don’t see Elle anymore. “Elle!” I scream. “Elle!!” Nothing. Great this is fucking great. Now I am
lost in a fucking city I have never been in before and to top it off I am by myself. I take a deep breath and decide to continue looking for her. She couldn’t have gone that far. Then out of now where I get knocked over and onto the ground.


“What the Fuck…. watch where you are going” I yell as I try and pick myself up.


“ME!... you ran in to me!”


“Give me a…..” I suddenly lose my words. I am staring into some of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. They are the deepest shade of blue with just a hint of yellow. Gorgeous, is the only word popping in my head. “Ummm…. I uhh…umm…shit”


I see the guys face soften a little. “Sorry” he says. I wasn’t really watching where I was going.


“That is ok. I wasn’t really paying attention either.”


“You looking for something or somebody?” he asked


“Yeah. I lost my friend in the sudden rush that just cam through”


“Oh that. There is a street parade going on a few blocks over, people were probably heading to that.” He stated knowingly. “What’s your name and where are you staying? Maybe I could help you get there.”


“My name is Desiree, but people call me Dessie” I say shaking his hand. “And I haven’t got a room yet. I just got here”


“Well it is nice to meet you Dessie, and I will help you find a room.”


“Don’t you think maybe you should tell me your name?” I state.


“Umm… ok it’s…. Nick.” He replies with a little hesitation. Almost like he didn’t want to tell me. He did look a little familiar to me, but I am sure if I knew him, I would never forget a face like that.


“Well Nick, it is nice to me you too” I say smiling up at him.


“Shall we...” he say’s reaching out to take my hand. “I wouldn’t want you to get lost again.”


I smile shyly and take hold of his hand. He has to be one of the cutest guys I have ever seen. And I don’t normally go for blonde headed guys. I still have this feeling that I know him from somewhere.



“Why don’t we stop and get some lunch and we can talk about possible places for you to stay.” he suggests.


“Ok” I reply still not really able to talk much.


He chooses this little Italian restaurant that looks kind of like a hole in the wall. We walk in and he requests a table in the back. I wondered why he didn’t want to sit out on the patio, but didn’t bother to ask.


“Don’t you find it kind of funny that we are in Spain eating Italian food?” I ask kind of giggling.


“I love Italian in any country” replied Nick. “But we can always go to the McDonald’s around the corner.” He added.


“UGH! No! Italian is my favorite. I just find it kind of funny that we are eating it in Spain.”


“SO tell me a little bit about your self.” Nick say’s after the waitress takes out orders.


“Well, I am 25 and I from Louisiana, but I am currently in the Navy and our ship is here on port call”


“Navy, huh? I love the water. I considered joining the Navy just for that purpose” he said looking really interested.


“I love the water too, but it kind of loses it charm after 23 days of nothing but water”


“23 days! You have been on a ship for 23 days!”


“Yeah…” an uncomfortable silence fell over the table. “What about you?” I ask to break the silence.


“What about me?” he shrugs.


“What are you doing in Spain?”


“OH! Umm…. I am here for work to. It is kind of a business trip.”


We talk a little more about the Navy and I tell him about the medical department where I work, and I tell him how I have two more years in the Navy. He doesn’t really talk much about himself, but he does tell me that he is from Florida and his family lives in California now. He also tells me that he is 26 years old.



“I have an idea” he suddenly say’s. “Why don’t you come back to my hotel? You could get a room there. And you can hang out with me and a few of my friends tonight” he offers.


I think for a second and decide that I am in a different country to enjoy myself and do new things. And this is considered a new thing. “Cool! I’d love too”


“Great!”

Nick and I leave the restaurant and head to his hotel. When we get there it is still to early for me to check into a room, so we go up to his suite. “Wow. This is really nice! How can you afford this?”


“It isn’t that expensive. Plus, I do pretty well for myself.” He snickers at me.


I sit down on the couch in the middle of the room and look around at the place. The walls were a caramel color and the carpet is a crisp white. There are some very beautiful pieces of art on the wall, and some very unique flower arrangements throughout. He sits down next to me and looks over at me. I get a warm and fuzzy feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I don’t know what it is, but at this very moment I can’t concentrate on anything but his eyes.


“I know I just meet you and all,” Nick said running his hand through his hair “but I am really crushing on you” he finished with a little grin.


I just stare at him. No words are going to me. And I am afraid that I imagined those words.


“You Ok?” he asks.


I nod my head slowly. I’m still in shock. I can feel myself holding my breath, and I force myself to breathe. “I am ok. Just a little shocked, I guess”


“Why would you be shocked?”


“Well, I didn’t really expect to come to be in Spain and meet someone that totally wipes me off my feet…. Literally” I laugh thinking about earlier when he knocked me over.


“Neither did it. I am usually really causous around new people. I have to make sure people like me for me and not what I do”


I look at him weird. I am confused. Why would someone want him for his job? What is he like a millionaire or something? “Well, if you are talking about how much money you make, I really don’t care. You could make 30,000 a year or a million and I would be it wouldn’t determine whether or not I like you or not.”


He smiles at me. “Good, cause I would hate for you to be disappointed.” He grinned at me and I could tell that he was thinking about kissing me. I softly licked my lips to make sure that they weren’t dry incase he did kiss me. He too licks his lips and then leaned in towards me. “Can I kiss you?” he whispered so softly that I barely heard him. I just nod my head yes. I close my eyes and hold my breathe as I feel his soft lips touch mine. It was a forceful kiss. It was very soft and sweet. He back away from me and pushed a piece of my hair off of my face. “That was nice” he said smiling.


I suddenly feel really shy and feel myself begin to blush. He leans in to kiss me again, this time with a little more force and passion. I open my mouth slightly as gently slips his tongue in my mouth. I let out a soft moan. He tasted so sweet…like berries. He slid his arm around my back and pulled me closer into him. He laid me down onto the couch and placed himself softly on me. He kissed me hard and ran his hand along the shape of my breast. I let out another small moan.


BANG! BANG! BANG! “Nick you in there?” said a voice from outside the room.


“Umm...yeah” he said. “Just a second.” He looked over at me with worried eyes.


“What’s wrong?” I ask.


“That is AJ, one of my band mates” he answered.


“Band? You are in a band?”


“Yeah, I will explain later” he walked over to the door and opened it. “Come on in man”


Holy Shit! It hit me! The blind realization. That is Nick Cater. The Backstreet Boy. And oh my God, I can’t breathe that is AJ!!! AJ MCLEAN!!! My favorite Backstreet Boy. I loved them in high school, but that was like 8 years ago. I didn’t even realize they were still together. I never really cared for Nick much.


“Hey, Hey, Hey…. Who’s the pretty lady, Nicky?” AJ asked looking at me from under his glasses.


“Her name is Dessie. We meet shopping today.” Nick said annoyed.


“Oh, Well I am AJ and you are beautiful.”


“Thank you!” I am seriously blushing now; I mean this is my all time favorite singer ever flirting with me.


“What did you want AJ?”


“Oh” he said faces Nick. “We are all going out tonight and wanted to know if you were going to come along.” He the turned toward me. “You could come too” he said as he winked at me.


“Yeah, Jay, that will work. I will come. I will talk to Dessie and she is she is up to hanging out with a bunch of guys.” Nick then pushed AJ out of the room and shut the door. He turned back around to me with a worried look on his face.


“You are a Backstreet Boy? A freaking Backstreet Boy! Why didn’t you say that? All day I have been trying to place where I knew you from, but I could never put my finger on it. When I seen AJ, I knew immediately. You see he is my favorite.”


“I am sorry. It is just that I didn’t want you to like me because of that.”


“I wouldn’t have. I never really like Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy. He wasn’t really my type. I always had a thing for AJ’s soulful voice and the way he moves” I said looking off as if remembering.


“Hey!!! I sing good, and I can move.” He defended.


“Yeah, but not quite like AJ. Plus, my friend Elle laid claim on Nick Carter a long time ago.”


“Oh, so now you don’t want anything to do with me and you wanna go catch up with Jay.”


“What? No way! AJ to me is fictional character that I find amusing. I now know that you are real, and not like Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy” I say standing up.


“Really?” he asked


“Really!” I wrap my arm around him to hug him tightly. “You could kiss me again. I was rather enjoying that” I added giggling


“Oh ok, you wanna move to the bed?”


“Wow now hold your horses… the bed isn’t quite safe. I still wanna know get to know you a little better before jumping in bed with you. I mean we have known each other a whole 5 hours. We got to know each other for at least 10 or 12” I say laughing.


“AWW! Ok. I can handle that.” We make out for a little while longer while lying on the couch. I can feel myself really starting to like this guy. It can’t be a good thing. I mean I only have three day’s here and then it is back to the ship. I make a mental note not to take these next few days seriously. “Just have fun” I say to my self.


Luckily I did that shopping earlier or else I wouldn’t have anything to wear to go out tonight. We start getting ready around 7 pm. I wait for Nick to come out of the shower and I almost faint. His body looked amazing. For some reason, I never thought that he would look good under clothes. His pecks and abs were nicely chiseled, with just a small amount of hair down his happy trail.


“What cha looking at?” He asked as he ran the towel through his hair.


“You” I reply. “I never thought you would have look so…”


“In shape” Nick finished.


“Yeah.” I reply with a shrug.


“I haven’t always been. I got a little chunky for a while there, but I got interested in working out and eating better a few years back”


“Well, it totally pay’s off.”


“Thanks” he said with a smile blush.


I walk into the bathroom and to freshen up. I change into one of the new shirts that I bought and apply more make up. Thank God for purses! I take my hair out of the ponytail and shake it around. It falls nicely around my face and down my back. I double and triple check myself in the mirror before walking back out.


“Damn, you look amazing” he said as he took me in his arms and kissed me.


“Thanks”


“You ready to go? The rest of the guys are waiting for us in Brian’s room. We are gonna go get something to eat first.”


“Yeah let’s go”

As we walk down the hall I can’t help but think that this is going to be a magical night. I am never going to forget it. Me hanging with the Backstreet Boys and one of them likes me. I am truly in heaven!


We walk up to Brian’s door and Nick knocks. “Come in” says a voice from inside. Nick and I walk in and I am almost instantly greeted by Howie.


“Hey, I am Howie.” He said stretching his hand out. “AJ told me about you.”


I smile back and say “I am Dessie and it is nice to meet you”


Nick then introduces me to Brian and Kevin and we move on our way to the restaurant. We go to a Sushi bar and once again I find myself thinking how funny it is to be eating Japanese food in Spain. I don’t mention it this time though.


Dinner goes pretty good. I get asked a lot of questions regarding the Navy and stuff like that. Kevin found it unbelievable that I had been to Iraq. “That is impressive…. Are you sure Nick is your kind of guy?” he asked.


“Why?”


“Well, you seem like a pretty motivated and professional person. Nick still needs to grow up a lot”


“Hey, I am professional” defends Nick. “And I can be motivated when I have a reason to be.”


“Actually,” I interrupt. “I like that he isn’t all serious. I like it when someone can balance my seriousness about everything”


“See” Nick said sticking his tongue out at Kevin. “She likes me the way I am.”


“For now” replied Kevin.


After dinner we all went out to this club called Estres. It means Stress in English. We are taking back to the VIP room were we are served tons of free alcohol. They bring out Grey Goose vodka, Johnny Walker Blue Label, Chrystal, and all kind of mixers.


“Wanna drink?” asked Nick.


“Yeah, dirty martini please. Extra olives.”


“My kind of girl.”


After putting down three martinis in about 10 minutes, Nick drags me out to the dance floor. I begin to dance and move my body around him. I am a good dancer. I already know this. I danced growing up and I was on a Nationally Ranked cheerleading team. I could feel eyes on me as I rubbed my body against Nick. I look up and see AJ staring at me. He had a very odd expression on his face. Kind of like he was sad. I smile at him and he suddenly looks more alert. He walks out and asked Nick he could cut in. Nick allowed.


“Let me show you how to dance with a girl Nick” he said grinning at me.


“Go for it.” AJ and I begin dancing, but this time it is different. He moves very similar to me and we dance great with each other. He pulls me close to him and puts his hand around my back. He then leans me back and runs his hand down the center of my chest. The entire dance floor is now watching us dance. I then turn around and put my back up to him. I reach my hands up above my head and around his neck. Then I slowly move my way down his body touch myself I do. I see Nick out of the corner of my eye kind of staring in amazement. We finish the song and I excuse myself to get back to Nick.


“You dance amazing.” Said Nick.


“Thank you. I grew up dancing my entire life. You should see me do the BSB routines”


“No way, you know them?”


“Every one of them” I say proudly.


We go back and sit down and I have more drinks. I should’ve stop at 4, but no not with AJ around. He keep giving to me and looking at me like I am supposed to funnel it. Suddenly I get a great idea. Well it seemed like a great idea at the time.


“Let’s do jagerbombs!!!!! I scream.


“Hell yeah” say’s AJ. “Bring em on!”


AJ and I both do two jagerbombs a piece. At this time, I am pretty drunk. Everyone is pretty drunk.


“You ready to go?” asked Nick in my ear.


“Yeah. Shit, I forgot to book my room” I suddenly realize.


“You aren’t gonna need it” replied Nick as he pulled me in and kissed me. He still tasted so sweet even after all the alcohol.


I could see AJ staring again out of the corner of my eye. What was with that? It was a little uncomfortable.


“Come on, let’s go.” I say grabbing Nick and a pulling him out of the club.

As soon as we get into the car it is like I can’t contain myself anymore. I jump on his lab and beginning kissing him hard. I flick my tongue in his mouth and message his with mine. He is grabbing a hold of me pulling me closer. He is running his hands over my clothes and moaning loudly. It didn’t take long before we were back at the hotel. We got out of the car and all but ran inside. Once we got on the elevator we went straight back to full on making out. When we finally made it to his room, he picked me up and threw me on the bed. He lay on top of me and forceful kissed me. He moved to my neck and my ears, nibbling softly. I let out a small moan and arched my back at his touch. He slid his hand up my shirt and began caressing my breast. I moan even more. I sit up and left my arms as he slips my shirt over my head. He then removed his on shirt. I lie back down and stare up at him as he looks me over.


“You are beautiful” he say’s as he comes my to my body.


“Thank you” I whisper almost silently. He moves his mouth over my breast and I can feel myself getting turned on. He takes my nipple into his mouth and sucks and bits it just enough to make it hard. “OHHH” I moan. He then kisses down my stomach and runs his hands down my body. He is kissing right above the top of my pants. HE then looks up at me with out moving his lips off of me, as if to look for permission to continue. I raise my hips as he unbuttons my pants and pulls them off. He slowly kisses down each leg and back to my inner thighs. He pulls my underwear down and once again stops to admire my body. I see a smile move across his face. He stands up and removes his pants along with his boxers and positions himself on top of me. I reach my hand between his legs and take hardness into my hands. I slowly stroke him as I stare into his eyes.


He then in return places his hands into my wetness. They feel like magic. They feel cold to the touch and so good inside of me. I can’t take it any longer.


“I want you inside of me” I whisper into his ear.


He complies. He settles himself between my legs and enters me with exact precision. My body feels like it is going to explode. Once we set the rhythm and begin to move in sync with one another, I realize I haven’t had sex in more than 6 months. I really needed this. I feel myself getting closer and closer to a climax and then…..”Oh my GOD!!! That is it, keep doing that.” I scream as I orgasm. With in seconds Nick is also. His body collapsed on top of mine and I lie there out of breathe.


“That was amazing” I say.


“Sorry, I couldn’t go longer. I am a little drunk.” He replies.


“No need to be sorry, I toughly enjoyed it. It has been awhile for me.”


“Really? How long?”


“More than six months.”

“You don’t have a boyfriend back home?”


“NO! Would I be sleeping with you, if I had a boyfriend?” I reply offended.


“I don’t know, maybe? A lot of girls do”


“So you sleep with a lot of girls who have boyfriends?”


“That’s not what I meant. I meant a lot of girl cheat on there boyfriends.”


“Yeah, well not me. So no I do not have a boyfriend back home. DO you have a girlfriend?”


“No, not anymore. We broke up last month. She cheated on me.”


That must be why he was asking if I had a boyfriend, he feels insecure. “Sorry about that. Did you care a lot about her?”


“Kind of. I mean yeah. We were together for almost two years.”


“That has to be hard to get over.”


“Not really, I have pretty much moved on” he say’s smiling “If I hadn’t you wouldn’t be in bed next to me.”


I suddenly feel guilty for being there. Did he think we were going to have a real future together? I mean I was leaving in a little over 24 hours to go back on a ship in the middle of the ocean. We couldn’t possibly start a relationship like this. “You do know that I have to be back at the ship my 3 am in Wednesday morning.” I tell him bluntly.


“Yeah, I know.” He says staring off.


“Do you also know that it isn’t a good idea to try and start a relationship at this time?” I added.


“Why not? I will wait for you to get back. I will write to you and you can write to me. I could meet you at your port calls….”


“Nick! Be reasonable. It is not likely that it will work”


“Who cares if it is not likely? How will we know if we don’t try?”


“But Nick, you don’t…..”


“You don’t see me that way” he cut me off. “You really just wanted to say you slept with a Backstreet Boy. I really thought you were different.” He say’s raising his voice.

“No that isn’t it at all” I say “I like you a lot, but I barely know you. You want me to just trust that you will be faithful to me while you are hopping all around the world, while I am stuck on a ship? I mean you just meet me today and we have already slept together. How am I supposed to know you don’t do this in every city?”


“I don’t do this in every city…. Ok maybe lately I have. But I never really felt anything for any of the girls until you. I was just trying to get Paris out of my head. I really like you. Can we please just try? I mean if it doesn’t work then neither of us really has much invested in it and we can just move on.” He asks string into my eyes.


I melt…. “OK, I am willing to try”


“So this will be a trial period. We are trying out dating, and if it doesn’t work we will just be friends”


“Alright.” I agree. This could turn out to be a disaster. I really hope my heart doesn’t get broken.


The next day, Nick and I spent the whole day getting to know one anther better. He told me about his family and I told him about mine. We told each other of favorites. You know; color, song, book, TV show, food, all those things. We got in the Jacuzzi for a while and ended up making love two more times.


It was getting late, and I needed to be going back to the ship. “Do you have to go?” asked Nick with the sweetest puppy doing eyes.


“Yeah, I do. I really wish I didn’t have to, but I would be in serious trouble if I didn’t.”


“I will take you to the ship then” he suggests.


“OK, I would like that.” I gather my stuff and we head out the door. When we get to the ship I give him a nice long hug and a kiss goodbye. “Goodbye Nick. I will miss you.”


“I will miss you too.” I start to pull away but he pulls me back. “I am so happy that I meet you. Don’t forget about me.” He said as he pushed hair off of my face and kissed me one more time.


“I won’t forget you Nick Carter.”


I walk onto the ship and then turn around one more time and wave goodbye to him. He waves back and blows me a kiss. “Goodbye Nick I see you soon, hopefully.” I say quietly to myself.

TWO WEEKS LATER


The last two weeks have been hell for me. I haven’t received a letter or a call from Nick and I am starting to think that I got played. All I have been doing is moping around hoping to get mail. I have written three times; he should have received at least one of them by now. I have decided to keep myself busy, and keep my mind off of him. I have started working out a lot more. I mean I can’t seriously think that I can keep a guy like Nick if I get all fat. I have also started a journal that helps me keep track of my days and events that happen. I have also suddenly been getting hit on by so many guys. Where were they at before Nick? It is like now that I am supposed to be faithful I have all of this temptation. And with Nick not calling or writing, I am beginning to feel used and setup.


I walk outside and sit on the flight deck. I look out to the horizon and smile as I think of Nick. He would love this view. Suddenly a huge whale surfaces and it scares the shit out of me. It was so beautiful though. Its eyes looked so sad, and it appeared to be looking directly at me. As quickly as it surfaced it was gone. That was amazing I said to myself. Nick would have loved to see that. It seems that here lately all my thoughts bring me back to Nick. How it is that someone I hardly know has such an impact on me.


I return inside only to find out that I got mail. I rush to my bunk to open it. It is a letter from Nick:

Dessie,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. We have been super busy in the studios recording. We are going to be in Sweden for the next few weeks, so hopefully I can write you more. I tried calling a few times, but it keeps saying that the lines weren’t operational, whatever that means.

I wanted you to know that I am so glad that I meet you. I can’t get you out of my head. It feels like I have known you forever. I can’t wait until we can actually be together. Until next time,Nick

I smile the entire time I am reading it, and I keep reading it over and over.


“Whatcha reading” ask Elle as she walks into the berthing (what we call sleeping quarters in the Navy).


“A letter from Nick.” I answer smiling.


“No way, I still don’t believe that you actually met Nick Carter in Spain. Nobody gets that lucky”


“I did”


“Let me see it” she reaches and grabs the letter. She reads it and then smiles. “How sweet” she say’s “But it doesn’t prove that it is Nick Carter.”


“I don’t have to prove that it is Nick Carter. It actually doesn’t even matter that he is Nick Carter. I like him… a lot….and being Nick Cater has nothing to do with it. You should know that. I mean after all, he is my least favorite Backstreet Boy. I didn’t even recognize him until I seen AJ.”


“Yeah, OK!” she replied with a mischievous grin. “I still don’t buy it.”


“You don’t have too.” I answer nonchalantly.


ANOTHER WEEK GOES BY….


I have been feeling extremely sick the past few days. The sea doesn’t normally make me feel this way. I am lying in my bunk trying not to move my head for fear of throwing up yet again. I am contemplating going down into medical and getting medicine for it.


After two more trips to the bathroom, I decide to go be seen by the doctor.


“So, what is the problem?” asked LT Barnes.


“I have been feeling really sick the past couple of days. I can’t keep anything down and I am always dizzy.”


“Sounds like you are sea sick.”


“That is what I have been telling myself, except I have never had a problem with it before, and I am even waking up in the middle of the night to vomit.”


“Huh… Well let’s get some blood and see if maybe you have a virus or infection of some sort. Just to be sure.”


“OK” She takes the blood and comes back into the room with a needle.


“What is that for?”


“I am going to give you some phenergan for you nausea so you will stop vomiting it will make you go to sleep, but when you wake we should have the results of the blood test.”


“Thanks” Within minutes of receiving the phenergan I feel myself falling asleep. I fall asleep and dream of Nick. I dream of getting off the ship and running into his arms and…


“Dessie! Wake up!” I am shaken awake.


“What is it” I say barely awake.


“We have a problem” said George, one of the corpsman.


“What is it?” I repeat myself.


“Well, we got your test results back and it looks like you’re pregnant.”


“What does that mean?” I ask not really comprehending what he just told me.


“It means your going to have a baby!”


Suddenly the realization of what he just said hit me. “WHAT!!!! HOW, I mean I haven’t had sex in…..” suddenly I am silenced with the memory of my first night with Nick. We hadn’t used protection. “Oh my God, what am I going to do?” I begin to cry.


“Don’t worry, we can always stop at a port and you can have it taken care of.” He said carelessly.


“WHAT! Are you out of your mind? I don’t believe in abortion. I have to handle my mistakes in a more adult and moral way than that.”


“I just am pointing out the option.”


“That isn’t an option for me.”


“Then you will be forced to leave the ship. You can’t stay here pregnant. It is to much a safety risk.”


“I know…” I throw my head in my hands and begin to sob “God, why? Why now, why with someone I barely know.” Suddenly millions of thoughts flood through my mind. What is Nick going to say? When should I tell him? Should I tell him? Should I call everything off with him, so I don’t have to tell him?


I begin to cry harder and I get up and run out of the room, crashing into Elle as I leave.


“Why are you crying?” she asked with a worried look on her face.


“No reason. Sorry, but I can’t talk right now I have to go.” I excuse myself and go back to my bunk. I just can’t seem to comprehend why this happened. I mean I how it happened; I just don’t get why! I end up crying myself to sleep.


I wake up the next morning and know that I have to get up and go down to work. I have to tell LT Barnes the doctor what my plan is, and I don’t even know yet.


I get into medical and start doing my everyday tasks. I count the narcotics and log them in. I fill all of the patients on the wards medications, then I sit down and start going over the log books to make sure everything is up to date and correct. I realize that I don’t do this everyday, and the reason I am now doing it is to make sure everything is good for me to leave. I guess I already know what I am going to do. It is just hard to admit it. A few minutes later LT comes into my office and looks at me without say anything.


I look back and say, “I guess we need to make plans to get me off the ship. I am keeping the baby and know that I can not stay.”


“OK, I will get the paperwork started. We will medivac you out of here tonight. Good luck.” She said smiling.


“Thanks.” I replied as I attempted to smile back.


I return to my berthing and begin to pack my stuff. Some of it will have to be shipped home, because I can’t carry it all on the helicopter with me. I box the stuff up that needs to be mailed and pack 2 suitcases that will come with me. I lie down in my bed and decide to try and sleep awhile before leaving. I am woke up by the sound of the helicopter on the flight deck.


“Well, I guess this is it.” I say to myself. Just then Elle walks in the room.


“Where are you going?” she ask.


“I have to leave the ship.”


“Why?”


“Because…. I am pregnant!” I spit out.


“What, Oh my GOD!!! By Nick? Is it fucking Nick Carters baby?”


“No, it is one of the other guys I have had sex with in the last month. OF course it is Nicks!”


“WOW!!! That is all I can say. Fucking lucky shit”


“Lucky? You call this LUCKY!! I am pregnant by a guy I barely know. I don’t even know if I am going to tell him or not!”


“What? You have to tell him.”


“Why? So he can turn me away?”


“You don’t know that he is going to do that. You have to give him a chance to be a father if he wants to.”


“I know….you are right. I am just so afraid that he is going to reject me.”


“If he does, then he doesn’t deserve you.”


“Thanks, Elle” I move to hug her bye. “I am going to miss you.”


“I will miss you too” she replied. “So are you going to get out of the Navy or just go to a shore command?”


“I am probably going to get out. Working in a real hospital seems to boring to me. Plus, I am a strong believer in being a hands on mom.”


“Well, I wish you all the luck in the world.”

“Thank you.” I grab my two bags and head for the flight deck. I board the helicopter and can’t help but think how different my whole world is about to become.

I am taken to Germany and left there. I decide that instead of going home, I will go to Sweden and tell Nick in person. As scared as I am, I know that is the right thing to do. I board the first plan to Sweden and make my way to the hotel that they are staying at. I am really glad that I got Nicks schedule. I try to get Nicks room number but the Receptionist refused to give it to me. I guess I wouldn’t me his room number either. I could be some irate fan. I book my own room instead and decide to wait in the lounge for the boys to pass by.


After reading three magazines, I here a familiar voice. I look up and see AJ walking into the lounge. I meet eyes with him and he suddenly looks surprised to see me.


“Dessie, what are you doing here? Does Nick know?” He asks.


“I just got here and no he doesn’t know, but I kind of need to talk to him. It is pretty important.”


“How long have you been waiting?”


“A few hours.”


“Well, Nick is still at the studio, I could call him for you.”


“OK, thanks.”


“So, what is so important that you had to come all the way here to tell him?”


“You know soon enough…” I say kind of rudely.


“Sorry… not trying to intrude. Just trying to make conversation. I will go call Nick for you.” He walks off pulling his phone from his pocket.


I suddenly feel really guilty for being rude to him and when we walks back over I tell him so. “I am sorry about earlier. I just have so much on my mind right now. I catch myself being mean and rude to the wrong people.”


“It’s alright…. You’ll learn. I don’t offend easy.”


“That is good to know.” I reply. “So……”


“Nick was super excited to hear that you are here. He is on his way now.”


“Thanks…”


AJ and I sit and talk for five or ten more minutes until Nick comes in. “Dess, what are you doing here. I thought you weren’t going to have another port call for another week or two.”



“Yeah, we aren’t, but I am no longer on the ship. I had to leave.”


“Really that is great…. But why?”


“That is kind of why I am here. I need to talk to you in private”


He nodded “Ok, lets go to my room.” He pulls me up and brings me in for a hug. “I can’t believe how much I missed you. I really don’t know what you are doing to me girl”


“Don’t be so sure” I say to myself. I hug him make and take in his scent. He always smelled so good. I look up at him and his eyes are so bright and happy. I wonder if he sees the worry in mine. We walk to his room hand in hand. He is telling me about the new songs that they are recording and how one of them reminded him of us. He really did seem so happy to see me. We got in his room and he immediately pushed me against the wall and kissed me hard. I had to resist the urge to return the passion.


“What is wrong?” he asked when I showed no interest in making love.


“I really need to tell you something.” I say as I feel my throat tighten.


“OK, what is it?”


“Maybe, we should sit down.” I suggest as I feel myself becoming faint.


Nick sits down and looks up at me. I sit next to him. I swallow really hard and then I take a deep breath and prepare myself for his reaction.


“I am pregnant.” I say cautiously.


“You’re what?” he said like he didn’t quite here me.


“I am pregnant.” I repeat myself.


“Who is the father?” he replied.


“YOU ARE!” I say raising my voice.


“You must be joking if you think that because we had sex a couple time that I am the father of your baby. YOU need to go find another tree to bark up. I hate it when women see freaking money signs and think that they are going to get money out of me by saying they are carrying my baby.”


By this time tears are streaming down my face. I am finding it difficult to breath. He stands up and walks to the door and opens it. “GET OUT” he screams. “GET THE FUCK OUT”.


I stand up and walk out of his room sobbing so hard that I can barely catch my breath. He slams the door shut behind me. I try to calm myself as I walk to the elevator but it doesn’t seem to help. I reach the elevator and get in and suddenly there is nothing.


“Dessie, wake up….. Are you OK? Dessie” I open my eyes to find myself laying on the floor in the elevator. I see AJ over me. He reaches and helps me up. He walks me over to a couch in the lounge.


“Are you OK?” he asks again.


I nod my head. “Yeah, I am fine. I guess I hyperventilated.” I tell him.


“What is wrong?”


“Nick, kind of kicked me out.” I say shaking my head. “I should have known better.”


“What why?”


“Because I am pregnant” I say looking straight ahead. I fee the tears well up in my eyes again.


“And it is Nicks.” He asked.


“Yeah. I haven’t been with anyone else in more than six months. He is the only possibility.”


“Did you tell him that?”


“He didn’t even give me a chance. He just started screaming about how I wasn’t getting any money from him. Then he opened the door and told me to leave.”


“WOW! I am so sorry Dess.” He took me into his arms and held me tightly. “He must be in shock. I can’t see him meaning those things. I mean you are all he talks about lately.”


“Well, I really expected it. I was only giving him the chance to be the father if he wants to be. I am not going to force him.” I said shrugging. “It does hurt that he said that he didn’t believe that it was his.”


MEANWHILE in BRIANS ROOM


Nick knocked on Brains door. “Come in” Brian called out.


Nick walks in the room. His face blood red. “DUDE! What the hell is wrong?” Brian asked worried.


“Dessie, just told me that she is pregnant.”



“WHAT! Really? What did you say?”


“I asked who the baby’s father was.” Nick replied matter of factly.


“You did what? She is your girlfriend and you ask her who the father of the baby was. Dude that is messed up.”


“No, it isn’t. I mean, ok maybe a little, but I have only known her for a month, and we have only been together three times and I used protect…..”Nick stopped.


“What? Why did you stop talking?”


“Because I realized that the first time we slept together we were so drunk. I don’t remember using a condom.”


“See, that might very well be your baby” Brian replied.


“Great! That is fucking fantastic. She needs to have an abortion then. I am not ready to be a father.”


“NICK! Are you out of your mind? Are you seriously going to tell a girl that you care about to have a fucking abortion?”


“What other choice is there. If she wants to be with me, then she will get one.”


Nick walks out of the room and goes to find Dessie. He was going to tell her that he had to get an abortion. He wasn’t ready for a baby. He found her in the lounge with AJ. He could see the look of pain on her face. Oh well, if she really liked him, she would get rid of the baby.


BACK WITH AJ


I look up and see Nick walking towards me. I go to stand up, but realize I am still to weak.


“I need to talk to you, NOW” Nick ordered.


I nod my head at him. He looks over at AJ. “Leave this is between us.” He says rudely.


AJ throws his hands up as to surrender and walks away.


Nick sits down and looks at me. “Do you want to be with me?” he asks looking forward.


“Yes” I simply reply.


“Then get an abortion.” He say’s still not looking at me.


I am stunned by the words coming out of his mouth. “Are you crazy?” I reply getting very emotional. “You want me to kill my baby?”


“Yes, no not kill it. Abort it.”


“Abortion is killing it!!!” I say getting more and more upset.


“Well. Get one! If you don’t it is over, and I won’t have anymore to do with you.” He still hadn’t looked at me.


“Well, Nick Carter. Fuck YOU!!! You can’t go jump off a fucking bridge. I don’t need you and I had no intentions of making you be the baby’s father. I was just giving you the option. You have obviously made your choice. I will leave you alone to bask in your on guilt once you realize that the reason why you lost me.”


I stand up and go to walk away. I suddenly feel as though I am going to faint. I feel hard to the floor this time in the middle of the lobby. My head hit the ground hard as did the rest of my body. The bell man runs up to me to see if I am ok. I am unable to see clearly and I have intense pains in my head and stomach. I can barely make out Nick standing to the side for a second, before turning and walking away. I am brought to the Emergency Room, where I am brought directly to the back. My intense stomach pain is getting worse. I know that I am losing the baby. Nick is getting his way. Sure enough about two hours later it is confirmed that I lost the baby. It died in utero. I am placed on the ward for the night with a D&C scheduled for the next morning.


BACK TO NICK


“What happened?” AJ screamed as he asked Nick to repeat himself.


“She fainted, and the Bell man helped her. I think they took her to the hospital” he said still with no expression on his face.


“What the fuck Nick? She could be losing the baby and she is all alone.”


“I hope she loses the baby. I don’t want it.” He said finally looking at AJ.


“You must be out of your mind. Do you realize what you are saying? Do you know how much pain and heart ache women go through when they lose a baby? Who are you, man? YOU are supposed to care for this girl!!!”


“I wanted her to get an abortion. She didn’t want to. We are no longer together. She is no longer my problem.”


“You need to grow up. I am going to the hospital to check on her.


HOSPITAL

AJ arrives at the hospital and comes to my room. He looked in and tried smiling at me.


“Hey, sweetie. I heard you had to be brought to the hospital.” He said as he walked over to me.


“Hey” I replied with a weak smile.


“How are you?” he asked.


I start to cry and I shake my head. “Oh sweetie what is wrong?”


“I lost the baby. I fainted and lost the baby. The doctor said that I had to much stress on my body and it caused me to pass out. The baby is still in me dead. They are going to do surgery tomorrow to take it out.”


“I am so sorry” he said taking me into his arms and holding me. “I don’t know what to say.”


“It looks like Nick got his wish…” I continued. “He wanted me to have an abortion.”


“I know. He told me that too. I’m not going to try and make excuses for him, but I really think he just got really scared.”


“I was scared too.” I replied with so much pain in my voice. “I was terrified. But I could never have an abortion. It just isn’t a part of me.”


“I understand. So what are you going to do?” he asked


I don’t know. I really don’t want to go home. All I will get from there is a pity party. But I don’t see any other options.”


“You can come stay with me. We are finished recording in a week. You can stay at my house as long as you like. It is big and I have plenty of room.”


“I don’t want to impose.”


“I wouldn’t be offering if I didn’t want you to stay.”


“What do I do until then? I would really feel weird staying at your house with out you there.”


“Stay here with me then. You can avoid Nick pretty easy, since he will probably be avoiding you too.”


I think for a minute and decide that I am going to take him up on his offer. I mean this is my favorite Backstreet Boy asking me to stay at his house.



“Of course….. How could I turn down staying with my favorite Backstreet Boy?”


“I am your favorite?” he asks smiling big.


“YOU always, have been!”


“AWWW!!! Thanks” he replied pretending to blush. He then changed his mood. “WE are going to have so much fun. I will make sure you don’t get sad and depressed. I promise.”


“Thanks Jay!” he leaned over and kissed me on the check. “You get some rest. I will be back in to morning before you go into surgery. I won’t let you be alone.”


“Good Night and thank you” I say as he walks out of the room.


How is it that I was so wrong about both of them? I really expected AJ to be an arrogant ass and he is the total opposite. And Nick was so sweet to me at first. Now he has totally crushed my heart. I can’t believe he was able to hurt me so bad. I find myself crying once more and I eventually drift off to sleep.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE HOTEL


NICKS BRAIN


I can’t believe my freaking girlfriend is fucking pregnant. I can believe she is refusing to get an abortion. What is she trying to do? Ruin my life!!! Nick passed back and forth all night thinking about Dessie. He thought about calling the hospital to check on her, but he didn’t want her to know that he was worried. He was so mad at her. All she was thinking about is herself. What about what he needed?


AJ’S BRAIN


How could Nick do this to Dessie. She seemed like such a great girl. He would give anything to have a girl like her. That is one of the reason’s he invited her to stay with him. He wanted to get close to her. Maybe she would see something in him, that she wanted to see in Nick. He laid down in bed and feel asleep thinking how beautiful she was.


HOTEL


Nick couldn’t sleep. He got out of bed and walked down to the lounge. He walked up to the bar and ordered a drink.


“Double Jack and coke, please?” he asked.


“OK…one sec.” the bartender said.


“Hey, aren’t you Nick Carter.” A girl sitting down the bar asked.


“Yup…that’s me” he replied not really paying attention.


“Wow. I like love you!” she said moving towards him.


“Really …” he replied trying to act like he cared.


“You are like my dream guy.”


“Well, let me buy you a drink”


“Ok.” She answered sitting down next to him.


They got there drinks and started talking. Nick was totally uninterested, but he needed something to take his mind off of Dessie. After multiple rounds Nick found himself bringing the girl to his room. He was so drunk and so was the girl. He was sloppily kissing her and being extremely inappropriate. He finally got the door opened and into the room. He immediately started taking the girls clothes off. Forget romance… he just wanted to fuck her. It was over quick and he asked the girl to leave.


“That is it” she said. “You don’t want my number?”


“No, that’s alright. Nice meeting you though”


“You are a fucking asshole.” She screamed.


“Join the club…” he replied coldly.


AT THE SAME TIME


AJ wakes up at the commotion going on in the next room. He gets out of bed and goes to knock on Nicks door.


“What is he doing up so late” he wondered.


Suddenly the door slung open and a girl ran out. AJ moved out of her way and looked in at Nick lying in the bed.


“Nick man, please tell me that you did not just fuck that girl.” He said getting kind of mad.


“Yeah, I did…why do you fucking care?”


“DUDE!! Dessie is in the hospital. She lost the baby, just like you wanted. And now here you are fucking some dumb ass chick while she is in the hospital mourning and all alone.”


He sat up in the bed. “She lost it?” he suddenly felt very guilty for wishing it on her.


“Yeah, she lost it. She has to have surgery tomorrow so that they can take the baby out.”


“How do you know this?”


“Because I cared enough to go to the hospital and see her. She is really messed up man. She wishes now that she had never told you. The doctor said the stress on her body caused her to pass out, which in turn caused her to lose the baby. You caused the stress.”


“OH…. I didn’t”


“Save it Nick…. You fucked up. She is done with you” AJ said as he turned to leave.


“Are you going to tell her about the girl?”


“Why does it matter? It would only hurt her more.” AJ shut the door behind him.


How could he be such a dick? How could Nick just be so careless with other people’s lives? Sometimes he really didn’t get it.


NICKS BRAIN


She lost the baby. That is what he wanted, but why does he feel so shitty about it? Why does he want to cry? Why does he want to run to the hospital and tell her how sorry he is? Why would she care what he feels now? The guilt of this was going to eat away at him. He lay in bed wondering if there was anything he could do that would make it better. He knew that there wasn’t. He had really fucked up.


THE NEXT MORNING


AJ arrived at the hospital at seven to make sure he was there before I went to surgery.


“Thanks for coming Jay. I really appreciate it.” I say with my eyes still welling with tears.


“No problem, I couldn’t let you go at it alone. How long will you have to stay afterwards?”


“No long, just a few hours in recovery.”


“I will wait then and make sure you get to the room safely. By the way, I moved you into my room. It is a suite and has to rooms. That way I can help if you need it”


“Thanks AJ… I really appreciate everything you are doing.” I look off for a minute and then ask “How is Nick? Does he know the baby died?”


“Yeah, he knows. It seemed like he felt a little guilty about it all. I know he got really fucked up last night. I seen him comes back from the lounge really late.”


“Was a girl with him?”


“Why would you ask that?”


“I don’t know. I just want to know if he is even in pain over this or if he has already moved on?”


“I don’t know if there was a girl with him. I only seen him for a second” he lied.


“Oh, ok” I can’t help but want him there. Even though I know he is the reason my baby died. I really felt like I was falling in love with him.


“Stop worrying about Nick, You need to concentrate on getting better.” He said as he leaned over and kissed me on my check. “You need to get better.”


A few minutes later a nurse came in and took me to surgery. The surgery lasted about an hour and a half. I came out of surgery very groggy and sure enough AJ was sitting right there waiting on me.


“Hey beautiful,” he said “how do you feel.”


“My mouth is so dry.” I reply.


“Yeah, the antithesia does that to you. Are you in any pain though?”


“NO! I feel fine other than that.”


A doctor walked in and started to talk. “Hello, I am Dr. Sanchez and I performed your D&C. I wanted to let you know that everything went fine and you should have a complete recovery. You should be able to try getting pregnant again as soon as you like.” He said and then looked at AJ, “Were you the father?”


“UMMM…no! I am just a close friend.” He replied.


“Ok well Miss Mizell you should be able to leave in just a few hours. We have to make sure you don’t get any internal bleeding.”


“How bad is the scar going to be?” I ask.


“Not bad at all. We went in through your belly button and made two other really small incisions. You shouldn’t have any scar at all.”


I smile slightly relived that I wont have some horrendous scar. “Thank you very much”


“My pleasure.” He turned and walked out.


“So, you can still have babies. That is a good thing right?”


“Yeah, It is. I don’t know if I want to get pregnant again though. I mean it didn’t exactly go the way I expected this time.”


“But you can’t think that every guy is going to react the way that Nick did.”


“I didn’t think Nick was going to act that way” I replied sadly.


“I know. I would have never guessed that he would act that way. It is way out of his character. I always thought he couldn’t wait to have kids.”


“I guess he could.” I look away as I try to fight tears again. Why was the fact that he didn’t care bothering me so much. Any other time I wouldn’t care. I would be over the fact that he didn’t want it. Him not wanting it hurts more than me losing it.


I feel asleep and woke up with AJ packing all of my things. “Hello, sunshine. The doctor said you could go. I signed your discharge papers for you. When can go whenever you are ready.”


“I am so ready.” I reply sitting up. I stand up slowly expecting pain, but shockingly there was none. I was still put in a wheelchair to leave the hospital. AJ had the limo waiting for us. The ride back to the hotel was silent. Neither of us spoke. I was worried about running into Nick. I wondered if AJ had even told Nick that I was going to stay with him. We got to the hotel and AJ carried all of my things and brought me straight to the room without stopping anywhere.


“Why don’t you lie down and rest, and I will go get us some food. You hungry?”


“I am starved. I haven’t eaten since before I went to the hospital. You know with having surgery and all.”


“Yeah, I bet.”


AJ turned and walked out of the room. I lay down to try and rest like he said.


NICK AND AJ


AJ was walking down the hall when he heard his name called. “What’s up” he asked as he turned to see Nick.


“How is she?” Nick asked.


“Who?” AJ was playing dumb.


“Dessie, how is she?”


“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”


“What do you mean, she is here?”


“Nick she had surgery today, do you think she is here?


“Oh, yeah good point….So how did surgery go?”


“She is fine Nick… you should really be talking to her though.”


“I don’t have anything to say to her. I just wanted to make sure that she was OK.” He said. He didn’t want them to know how much he actually did care. And how upset he was for making her so unhappy that she lost her baby….his baby. Guilt was really getting to him…. He couldn’t let anyone now that…….

I was lying in the bed when AJ came back with food. How is it that he seems to always find a McDonalds in whatever country he is in? I smile when he walked over to me with a cheesy grin on his face. I could tell he was excited about his food.


“Hungry?” I ask smiling back.


“Always!” he replied. He handed me my food and then pulled his out of the bag. He got a semi-serious look on his face. “I talked to Nick earlier.”


I looked up surprised, “What did he say?”


“He asked how you were doing. I told him to ask himself.”


“What did he say about that?”


AJ hesitated a little and then said, “He said he didn’t have anything to say to you. He said he was just making sure you made it through surgery ok.”


I just nodded my head and pushed the tears back. How could he not have anything to say to me? How can he not care that I just lost our child? How could he care so little about me?


“Don’t worry about Nick, Dessie. He will either come around eventually or he doesn’t deserve you.” AJ said as he reached to hold my hand.


“I don’t want him back. I don’t know that I could ever forgive him. I just really thought he would care enough to be sorry that I lost the baby. I mean he knew that I wanted to keep it.” I reply shaking my head. “I just don’t get it.”


“Well, I don’t get it either, but I know one thing.” he said looking straight in my eyes “I will be here for you. No matter what, I will stick by your side. Nick is in the wrong here and he knows it.”


Tears roll down my checks and I wipe them away. “Thank you AJ. You really are nothing like I thought you would be. Nothing at all.”


“Like I said before, AJ is an act. I am ALEX!”


“Well, I like ALEX!”


NICKS BRAIN


Nick looked down at his watch for the fifth time in an hour. HE was contemplating going to the hospital to see Dessie. He doubted she would want to see him though. After all AJ did say that she didn’t want anything to do with him.


What was up with them? Why was AJ so interested in Dessie? She wasn’t his type. Maybe she likes him. She did say that AJ was her favorite Boy. AJ better keep his fucking hands off of her.


He got up out of the bed and started out the door. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he had to get out of his room.


AJ and DESSIE


“I am going to go get some ice.” I say standing up.


“I will go get it.” Offered AJ.


“No, I will do it. The doctor said I needed to walk around as much as possible to keep from getting to sore.”


“OK.”


I walk out of the door and as soon as I shut it I look up and there is Nick. He is staring at me with this face full of anger. I start to turn and walk away, but he grabs my arm.


“What the hell are you doing in AJ’s room? I thought you were in the hospital!” he was yelling at me.


I jerk my arm away and turn to walk away. I had no intentions of talking to him. He just followed me down the hall.


“Dessie, fucking answer me!”


I turn around and say, “AJ gives me what you were incapable of.” I immediately regretted it.


“What the fuck does that mean. Are you fucking him too?”


“Yeah, Nick. I just got out of the hospital two hours ago. I just lost OUR baby! But yeah, I am fucking AJ.”


Nick just stared at me for a minute. I could tell he wanted to say something. He looked kind of sad.


“Is there anything else I can help you with Nick?”


“Yeah, there is….leave. Get the hell away from me and my friends.” He said with a cold and empty look on his face.


Tears well up in my eyes and I say “You hate me so much that you are totally going to forget the fact that I meant something to you only a few days ago. I really thought I was falling in love with you. I can’t believe I was so wrong about you.”


He looked back and started to speak but I cut him off. “Don’t start. I am done talking to you. And don’t worry; I will be gone in a few days. But as far as the stay away from your friends…. I can’t make any promises.”


I turn and continue to walk down the hall. As soon as Nick was out of sight I totally broke down sobbing. It really was over. He really didn’t give a fuck about me. He didn’t want anything to do with me. He hated me so much that he didn’t even want me around his friends.


I tried to calm myself down before returning to my room. However, AJ knew immediately that something was wrong.


“What is wrong? Are you OK” he asked jumping up to help me.


I totally break down again. “He hates me AJ!”


“Who hates you? What are you talking about?”


“Nick! How can he be so hateful.”


“What the hell did he do to you?” he asked as his face reddened.


“He….He….” I just couldn’t finish. “I just want to be alone.” I turn and walk into my room and shut the door. I lie down on the bed and cry myself to sleep.


MEANWHILE


AJ storms out of the room and bangs on Nick’s door. Nick opens it and just stares with a blank look on his face. His arms are crossed over his chest.


“What do you want AJ?”


“What the hell did you do to her?” he asked clinching his fist.


“What are you talking about? I haven’t done anything.” he replied still just standing there.


“Oh yeah. Then why the hell is she hysterical?”


“Hell if I know.” he shrugged “But hey I got a question for you. Why the hell do you care so much? What are you doing? I bet you are fucking her already huh? I mean, I know she is easy. She slept with me the first day I met……”



AJ punched Nick right in the face. Nick fell to the ground and jumped back up. “What the fuck? Why did you fucking punch me?” he said ready to fight back.


“You say anything like that about her again, and I swear Nick it will be a lot worse next time. I can’t believe you are acting like this. Do you realize how much she is hurting right now? Do you really think that I would sleep with her in the state of mind that she is in?”


“It never stopped you before.”


“This is different. I feel so bad for her. She is a sweet girl and she is going through a lot right now. YOU should be by her side. I mean after all she is your girlfriend. And she did just lose your baby.”


First off, she isn’t my girlfriend. She never was. We were only trying to get to know each other….and obviously it didn’t work. And second, I didn’t want that baby. I feel bad that she lost it the way she did, but I did not want to be a father.”


“She wasn’t going to make you be the father. She simply thought that you had the right to know that you were going to be a dad, and give you the chance to be one if you wanted. She was never going to try and make you.”


“Yeah, well she would have probably tried to rob me blind in child support.”


“That is what you think? Man you and I must be looking at two different girls, because I just don’t see her doing that.”


“Yeah, well you don’t know that, and neither do I.”


“Man Nick, I just never thought you would be that guy.”


“What guy?”


“The guy who leaves the pregnant girl out to dry?”


“Well you guessed wrong. I don’t even know if that was my baby. Why was I just supposed to take her word?”


“Because you were supposed to care about her. You could’ve always gotten a paternity test once the baby was born.”


“Whatever, man. I am done with this. Is there anything else?”


“Yeah, I thought you may want to know. Dess is coming home with me at the end of the week. She is going to stay at my house. I figured I would tell you before you found out from someone else.”


“You really are trying to get her aren’t you?” Nick said with anger boiling in him.


“You bet” AJ grinned and turned and walked away.


Nick was furious. He fucking fucked Dessie he would beat the shit out of him. He didn’t know if he wanted her back, but he did know that he did not want AJ to have her. He slammed the door shut. He paced back and forth for a few minutes and decided to go get a drink.


Once he was in the lounge he found himself drinking himself into a drunken stupper. He down shots of tequila back after back. And just as the night before, he brought another girl back up to his room.


I heard the noise in the hall way and looked out. Nick was passing by with a dark headed girl. He looked right at me and just smiled. Almost like he didn’t recognize me. He pushed the girl up against the wall and was literally undressing her in the hall way. I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer. I walked out into the hall and said “Excuse me Miss!”


The girl pulled away from Nick and look toward me.


“I just figured that I would tell you to make sure and use protection. Because if that asshole gets you pregnant, he will either make you get an abortion, or he will stress you out some much that you lose the baby.”


The girl’s mouth fell open and she pulled her shirt back closed. “Why do you say that?” she asked concerned.


“Because that is what he did to me.” I said bluntly.


“Don’t listen to her,” Nick said as he tried kissing her again. “Plus, I have plenty of protection.”


“No, that’s alright, I will do without.” The girl turned and walked away.


“What the hell Dessie!” Nick screamed at me. “Why did you do that?”


“Excuse me if I can’t just sit back and watch you fuck with someone else’s emotions. That girl was probably wrapped up in the same dream land you had me in. The difference is I now know better.”


“Dreamland? I had you in a dream land? Please, I really did care about you! You were all I thought about after we met. You are still all I think about!” he was screaming at me now.


“Really!? I am all you think about? What do you do, sit there and figure out more ways to hurt me?” I said shaking my head. My eyes full of tears.


“Why the hell did you have to get fucking pregnant?”


“I didn’t plan it Nick! It wasn’t just me! You had part of it too! Why couldn’t you just accept it?”


“Because I was nowhere near ready to be a father.”


“I wasn’t ready to be a mother either, but that baby was put there for a reason, I could never have an abortion, ever!”


“Well apparently it wasn’t meant to be. I mean it did die after all” he said in a cold voice.


I look up at him and say “You’re right it did die, and you killed it. I will never forgive you Nick. Never!!”


“I don’t want you forgiveness.” He turned and walked away. He really did just want to tell her how sorry he was. And beg for her forgiveness, but she had just said plain as day that it would never happen.


I go back into my room and sit on the couch just staring at the wall. How could things change so quickly? A few days ago, I was happy. With what I thought was a great new guy in my life. Things were looking up. Not anymore.

The following week went by so slowly. I’m pretty much completely healed from the surgery. I just hung around in AJ’s room trying my best to avoid Nick. I still don’t understand how things went south so quickly. AJ told me that Nick isn’t really doing that good either. He said that he thinks Nick is trying to make it seem like he doesn’t care, but in reality he really does. I don’t know if I believe that or not. To me it seems like he has already moved on. In the last week he has had three different girls in his room overnight. I decided not to bother warning them. I felt bad about it, but I just couldn’t face Nick anymore.


AJ has been my rock though. He has done everything possible to make sure that I am comfortable and he is trying to get me to smile more often. I admit I am starting to care a lot about him. I think he likes me too. I just really think it would be a bad idea to get involved with him after what I have been through with Nick.


We will be going back to the States tomorrow. Thank God. I am so ready to be around people who speak English! And to get away from Nick will help a lot. It is too hard to get over him when I see him everyday.


I am just hanging out right now, watching TV. The boys are at the Studio tying up all the loose ends for the new album. AJ let me listen to a few of the tracks and I must say I love it. Their music has really matured over the last few albums. I hadn’t realized that Kevin was no longer really part of the group. He isn’t singing with the group anymore. He has only been around lately to do a little bit of producing. AJ said that he really wanted to spend more time with his family and being in the group was taking up to much of his time. It saddens me, but I understand.


STUDIO


“So Jay, what are your plans for our time off?” asked Howie while reviewing the tracks for the new album.


“Not much.” He replied. “Dessie is coming back with me so I guess I will be spending a lot of time with her.”


“Does Nick know?” Howie asked raising his eyebrow.


“Yea, he knows. Why do you think he isn’t talking to me?”


“Do you have a thing for her?”


“I don’t know what I have for her. I know that I think Nick seriously fucked up by letting her go. I still can’t believe he acted the way he did.”


“Yeah, no shit! I don’t know much, but from what Brian told me, Nick should feel really shitty about the whole thing.”


“I know...” AJ replied shaking his head. “You should have seen how horrible Dess was after it happened. She practically cried for days. And Nick didn’t even call her while she was in the hospital to check on her. It is like he is a different person. I mean, I understand him not wanting to be a father yet, but to give a girl and ultimatum of get an abortion or I am through with you, is so fucked up!”


Nick walked up just as Howie went to reply. “Why can’t you just let it go, AJ?” asked Nick with anger in his eyes.


“How can you let it go so easily?” he replied.


“I didn’t let it go easy. I am still trying to get past all of this. But no, you won’t let it go. I have to see her everyday because you have her staying with you. To think that she may be fucking you makes me sick. I can’t believe that you have taken her side in all of this. You are supposed to be my friend” he screamed at AJ.


“I am your friend Nick! But there is no way in hell I am going to sit back and watch you screw her over. I really care about her a lot, and frankly I could give a fuck whether or not you think I am fucking her!”


“Are you?” he asked. AJ just stared at Nick. “I am going to ask one more time. ARE YOU FUCKING DESSIE?”


AJ stood up and got right in Nicks face and said “It is none of your fucking business who I am fucking.”


“I fucking knew it!” yelled Nick as he turned and punched the wall. “You’re fucking her. That fucking slut!” Nick stormed out of the studio.


AJ turned and looked at the rest of the guys and said, “I am not fucking her….. Just incase you guys were wondering.”


Brian threw up his hands “None of my business.” He said looking away.


Kevin just looked away as if he were ignoring the whole situation.


Howie grinned and said “Maybe not, but you want to.”


AJ let a grin slide across his face as he sat down next to his best friend “OK maybe a little part of me thinks about it.”


“A little part?” asked Howie doubtfully.


“OK….. I am constantly thinking about it. I think she kind of has a thing for me too. I just don’t want to come on to strong, you know with her going through all of this stuff with Nick. I don’t want to be some rebound guy.”



“Don’t you think that is what it will be, even if you wait awhile? I mean I would be worried that she would only be hooking up with you to get back at Nick.”


“I really don’t think she is that type of girl. I don’t see her pretending to care for me just to make Nick mad. If we do hook up, it will be because she likes me.” AJ replied with certainty.


The guys finished up at the studio and headed back to the Room. AJ stopped off and got us something to eat. Thank God it wasn’t more fast food. I didn’t think I could handle anymore McDonalds.


“Hey Jay!” I say to him as he walks in the room. “You look tired…did you have a long day.”


“Yeah, I did. And I had another fight with Nick.” He said raising his eyes.


“Surprise, surprise!” I reply rolling my eyes.


“For some reason he just can’t let go of the idea that we are sleeping together.”


“Why does he care? I mean he is the one who didn’t want to be with me anymore. What does it matter to him who I am sleeping with?” I ask confused.


“Dess, it is like this...” AJ said as he sat down next to me, “guys always hate it when they see a girl that they have dated with someone else. Even if he no longer wants her, he still wants her to want him. It is an ego thing. With Nick it is making it worse because he thinks that one of his best friends is trying to get the girl.”


“Oh” I pause for a second then look up, “What if the girl wants the best friend?”


AJ suddenly looked really nervous, almost like he didn’t know what to say. “Umm…what are you saying Dess?”


“I don’t know, I am feeling a little confused. I think that I am developing feelings for you, but then when I see Nick my heart still hurts so badly. I don’t know what I am really feeling anymore.” I say as my eyes begin to feel with tears.


“Look Dess, I think you are a great girl, and I find you very interesting and extremely good-looking, but I really can’t see myself getting involved with you while you are still hung up on Nick.”


I move closer to him and look him in the eye. “I am not hung up on Nick, I am hurt.”


He stares at me and for a moment I think he may kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. It would help so much. I could just push Nick out of my mind and start over with AJ. Our eyes held each others for a few minutes, but he quickly got up and walked away.



“Let’s go get drunk and have a good time. We are leaving tomorrow, so this will be our last chance to party in Stockholm.”


“Ok” I reply with a little bit of hurt in my voice. “Let me get changed.”


I quickly get dressed and check myself in the mirror. My color was finally coming back to my face and I didn’t look so sick anymore. I applied a little bit of mascara and lip-gloss and walked into the living room were AJ was waiting.


“WOW! You look amazing.” He said looking me up and down. I had on a short black dress that hugged all of the curves of my body. I paired it with a pair of red heals, and a red necklace.


“Thanks, I don’t really have that much stuff that is club worthy.” I say shrugging.


“I think you look fantastic.” He replied standing up, “Shall we?” he reached his hand out and took mine.


The ride to the club was rather short, only about five minutes. Once we got there we were taken straight to the VIP room. AJ ordered a few bottle of alcohol and took me out to the dance floor. “Show me those moves you had the last time we danced together.” He said grinning at me.


“You liked those huh?” I replied grinning back.


“UMMM….yeah, just a little.” He said as he used his fingers to show me how much he like it.


We dance for a few minutes and then sit down a have a few drinks. Once we have loosened up a little we really start having a good time. People keep coming up and asking if we are a couple and we just smile and keep talking or laughing about whatever subject we are on. It doesn’t take to long before I am sitting on his lap and I am whispering in his ear. I look towards the door and see Nick walk in. He hadn’t seen me and neither had AJ.



I grab AJ hand and pull him to the dance floor. We are pretty wasted and find ourselves slow dancing to the fast music. I look up at him and smile. He smiles back. I want him to kiss me so bad, if only he would just do it. I can see in his eyes that he wants to. I lay my head over onto his chest and I can hear his heart beating. I look up into his eyes and he lowers his head and his lips brush across mine. He pulls back and looks at me and I lean in and kiss him harder. I feel him pull me in closer to his body as his tongue flicks into my mouth.


“What the fuck?” we hear as we pull apart. “I knew it. I knew you weren’t just friends. I knew you were fucking her!” Nick said as he walked up his hands in a fist ready to fight.


“Man, I am not….” Nick swung at AJ, but AJ moved back and missed the punch. “Nick, what the hell is your problem?”



“What’s my problem? What’s my problem? You are fucking my girl! That is my problem!” He said getting even angrier.


“Last time I checked Nick, she wasn’t your girl. Actually the last time I checked you were bringing a different girl to your room every night, while she lay in bed crying. What makes you think that you can do whatever the hell you want and then dictate what she does?”


Nick stared back at him and then looked over at me. “Are you fucking him Dessie? Tell me! Tell me you are fucking him. I want to hear it from you.”


I look him dead in the eye and say, “I can’t say that Nick, as much as I would love to tell you that I am fucking him to piss you off. I am not. He won’t do it. He loves you too much.”


Nick stares at me for a second and then say’s “Why do you have to hang around here? Why can’t you just leave so I can fucking move on?”


“How am I stopping you from moving on? I stay out of your way. I don’t speak to you, I don’t come to your room, and I avoid you at all cost. How am I stopping you?”


“Just stay away from AJ!”


AJ stepped in and said, “I don’t think so Nick. You aren’t winning this time. She is staying with me. End of story. Get over it.”


Nick turned and stormed off. I turned towards AJ and looked him dead in the eye. I so badly wanted him to take me back to the room and fuck me just in spite of Nick, but I knew he would never go for it. Instead, I smiled and leaned up and kissed him right on the lips. He pushed me back for a second and looked at me before pulling me back into his arms and holding me tight.


After the incident with Nick, I started downing drink after drink. For every shot that I had, AJ had two. We were totally and utterly obliterated. I stood up and grabbed AJ’s hand. “Let’s go back to the room. We can finish our party there” I say pulling him up. He didn’t reject my gesture and he headed back to the room. I was feeling extremely gutsy and I knew exactly what I wanted when we got there. As I waited for AJ to find the key, I grabbed the keys in my hand and pushed him up against the wall and then pushed myself up against him. I grabbed his face and pulled it to mine. I forcefully kissed him and he returned by pulling me up into him.


I pull myself away and look him dead in the eye. “I want you.” I simply say.


He stares at me and starts to say something, but I speak instead. “Don’t say anything. This doesn’t have to mean anything. We can simply fuck if that is what you want, but I want you. Now!”

AJ pulls me into the room, and begins to wrestle me to the bed. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted me too. He pushed me down onto the bed and laid himself on top of me. He raised me arms above my head as he held me down on the bed. He covered my neck with kiss and gently nibbled on my ear. I let out a soft moan as he ran his hand over my breast. He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head. I had always thought that he was too skinny, but lately he had really started to fill out. I smile up at him and ran my hands down his chest. He lay back over on me and his me hard. I could feel his heart beating against mine. He ran his hand up my thigh and pulled my leg over onto him. He lifted me up as I straddle him and slid his arms around the back of my dress and unzipped it. He slid the dress over my head and buried his face into my chest. With one hand he knowingly unclasped my bar and discarded it. He took my breast into his mouth and softly flicked his tongue around my nipple. I let out a cry of ecstasy. He laid me back down on the bed and stood up to remove his pants and boxer. He laid back down over me and for a split second I could see confusion in his eyes. I quickly pulled him down onto me and kissed him. I reached my hand down between his legs and grabbed his shaft into my hand. I pushed him up and turned him on his back. I positioned myself perfectly between his legs and took him into my mouth. I look up at him as I stroked him and every so gently massaged his manly-hood with my mouth. He let out an intense moan and pulled me up to his face. He stared at me for a second before smiling and rolling me over to return the favor. He excitedly pulled my underwear off and grazed my body with his eyes. He must’ve liked what he seen because he leaned over and kissed my stomach. He rests his hand on my thigh as he spread my legs. He placed of my legs over his shoulder and pushed the other out to the side. I couldn’t help but think he had experience in this department. He lowered his mouth to my wetness and pleasured me better than I could ever recall. I yell loudly as I reach climax and he reaches up and cover my mouth.


“You don’t want him to hear!” he whispered.


That was exactly what I wanted. I wanted Nick to hear what I had heard every night for the past two weeks. I look at AJ and said. “I don’t care what he hears, what I do care is that you aren’t in me right now.”


He smiled down at me and nodded. He spread my legs apart and placed himself in between them. I arched my back as he slid slowly into me. I could feel my body yearning for him. “Fuck me Alex.” I say as he looks me in the eye. “Do it now.” I add pulling him into me. He obeys and starts a good rhythm. We fit together perfectly. I reach my hands around him and pull him down further into me. My body has taken in all that it can, but I yearn for more. I pull my nails across his back as he trust himself harder. He slows for a moment and I turn him over and position myself on top of him. I slid my body onto his shaft and slowly begin to grid myself against him. I ride him back and forth and he reaches up and takes my breast into his mouth. I arch my back as I feel my release coming. I reach my climax with another load moan and pick up the pace so that AJ will soon reach his too. Once he orgasms our pace slows and eventually ceases. I move my self to the side of him and lay my head over on to his shoulder. I look over at him and he is looking straight up at the ceiling. I wish I knew what he was thinking.


AJ BRAIN


That shouldn’t have happened. What do we do next? Am I seriously going to start a relationship with a girl that I know Nick is in love with? Does she even want a relationship, or was she trying to get back at Nick? It sure was awesome though. I could handle having her in my bed every night. Here is this amazing girl in my bed with her head on my chest, but I have no idea of what will happen when we wake up in the morning. Will she regret it? Will I? Hell, I already do? Do I tell Nick? Do I pretend it never happened and pass it off as some drunken night and a stupid mistake? I shouldn’t have done this. It shouldn’t be difficult. What was it anyway? Did we fuck, or did we make love? Oh, what have I done?


BACK TO REALITY


I can tell he is deep in thought. “What cha thinking about Jay?” I ask as I kiss his chest. He looks at me and simply say’s “About what just happened.”


I look at his with interest and concern. “Is everything ok? I mean did you not want to...”


He cut me off, “No, it isn’t that I didn’t want to. I did want to. It is whether or not we should’ve.”


I don’t know what to say. I just kind of nod my head in understanding.


“I mean, what was that Dess? What was it to you? Do you want to be with me, or did you just need someone.”


I feel my eyes start to fill up with tears. “I don’t know what I want Jay. I know that tonight I wanted to be with you. I don’t know what I am feeling now, but I don’t think it is bad.”


“I didn’t ask if you felt bad about it. I asked if you wanted to be with me! I guess what I am getting at is …. Did we just FUCK or did we make love?” He asked sitting up and looking me dead in the eye.


I look straight ahead and don’t answer.


“I think I got my answer.” He said at my reaction. “That alright!” he said nodding his head. “I knew in the back of my mind that is what it was. I guess it is a good thing, because now I don’t have to worry about telling my best friend that I am in love with the same girl he is in love with.”


Tears are now rolling down my face. I shake my head at him and say, “It wasn’t FUCKING!! I am not sure what it was, but it wasn’t fucking. It meant something, didn’t it? Tell me it didn’t mean anything to you?” I am now raising my voice and I get up out of bed and wrap myself with the sheet. “Tell me it didn’t mean anything to you Alex? Tell me?


He stares at me for another second a pulls me forcefully into a kiss. He kisses me hard for a few seconds and then pulls away. He looks me in the eye and say’s “I am in love with you.” I just stare at him. “Nick is also in love with you.” Still I say nothing. “You need to figure out who your are in love with!” he said matter of factly and turned around and walked out of the room.


When he walked out of the room he found Nick sitting in the hallway next to their door. Nick jumped up with AJ walked out.


“I heard you fucking her AJ.” Nick said quietly and surprisingly without anger.


“I am sorry.” AJ said sincerely, “But Nick I am in love with her.”


Nick nodded his head. “Is she in love with you?” he asked as he looked down at the ground.


“I don’t think so.” AJ answered shaking his head. “I think she is in love with you. I think the only reason why she slept with me tonight is because I wanted her, and she wanted to feel wanted.”


“I want her too.” Said Nick. “I just fucked up to badly for her to ever take me back. I don’t see us getting past me being so selfish.”


“I told her, she needed to decide what she wanted. She knows that I want her, and she knows that you want her. We just have to let her decide.”


Nick nodded and AJ turned and walked away. Nick knew he had to get to the bottom of it. He had to know if there was anything left. He knocked on the door and a few seconds later I answered it. My eyes are starting to swell from crying and I am shocked to see him at the door. “What do you want Nick? Have you come to make me feel like…” he pulled me up to him and kisses me forcefully but with such a soft touch. I pull away stunned and look at him in disbelief.


“Don’t pick AJ Dessie. Please forgive me. I fucked up.” He said as he pushed passed me and into the room. “I know I really fucked up. The guilt of you losing our baby because of me is killing me. Every time I see you, I think of how horrible I was to you. And now every time looks at you, I imagine you in bed with AJ.”


“Nick, I don’t want to talk about AJ. He and I are….”


“Sleeping together. You can’t lie to me Dess. I heard you tonight. I heard your moans and I heard AJ’s grunts. I know you were having sex.”


“But Nick it was…” I didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t NOTHING. It defiantly wasn’t NOTHING, but what was it?


“What was it Dess? Are you in love with him?” he asks with hurt in his eyes.


I shake my head no, but I say “I don’t know. I don’t know Nick. When I see you, I long for you. I hurt so badly every time I see you with another girl in your room. But when I am with AJ, I feel loved. I feel wanted. I don’t get that from you. All I got from you was rejections and a miscarriage.”


“So you want to be with him. You are falling for him and what we had is now history?”


“You chose that Nick, not me. You are the one who pushed me away. You are the one who rejected my love.”


“I am so sorry Dess.” Nick walked up to me and placed his hand on my face. “I miss you! I want you back. I want to start over.” He leaned over and softly kissed me and at that moment I wanted to forgive him so badly. But I couldn’t help but think of AJ. He had been there for me during my miscarriage and surgery. He had been there when Nick wasn’t. He was there unconditionally. I had just forced myself into his bed, and now I am thinking about jumping in bed with Nick. I was not that girl.


I pulled away from the kiss and look at him. “I don’t know if I can start over Nick. I don’t know if I want to. I do know that AJ has been my rock these last few weeks, while you were off ripping my heart out with a different girl every night. I don’t know what I want Nick. I don’t know when I will know.”


I look at him and he just nods in agreement. “OK, I will back off and give you time. I just really want you to know how much I regret ever asking you to have an abortion. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was being selfish and it was stupid of me. I am so sorry.”


“Thank you for telling me that. I just need some time to process it all” I walk away and turn and look back at him. “I miss you too.” I open the door so that he can leave. He walks out of the room and turns back and looks at me one more time sliding a small smile across face. I couldn’t help but return the smile.


I shut the door and walk over to the couch. I sit down and just stare at the wall. What was I going to do? Who did I really want to be with? Which one did I love more? Which one would love me more? Which one would cause me the least amount of pain? Which one would I cause the least amount of pain by not choosing? How does someone know what the right choice is? Does it just jump out at you?

A few hours later AJ comes back into the room. I am still sitting on the couch with tears in my eyes. I am no closer to a decision than I was when he left. He came over and sat down on the couch next to me. I looked over at him as if I knew he were about to say something.


“I think that maybe you should forgive Nick. I mean I know that is what you want in your heart. I don’t want you to feel guilty for not loving me. I knew that you were going through a really rough time, and I should have never let myself fall in love with you.” He said all of these things and never once looked at me.


I couldn’t grasp what he was saying. Was he telling me to choose Nick? Was he saying that he didn’t want me to choose him? He finally looks at me and I realize that there are tears running down his checks. Did he really mean what he had said?


“But what if Nick isn’t the one in my heart anymore?” I ask looking him dead in the eye.


“Is he not?” AJ replied.


I shook my head. “I honestly don’t know; when I am with you it is like all of my troubles go away. You make me smile, you make me happy, not to mention you are making me fat with all of that McDonalds…” I say with a half laugh. “At the same time, when I see Nick I miss him. I still have feelings for him, but I don’t know if it is love, or if it is hate. I talked to him tonight.” I added looking back at AJ.


He sat up straight and looked back at me, “Yeah! What was said?”


“He said that he was terribly sorry for ever asking me to have an abortion. He told me that he was being extremely selfish. He asked me if we could start over.”


“What did you say?”


“I told him that I was confused and I did not know what I wanted. I told him that I needed time to figure things out in my head. And I told him that I missed him.”


“He didn’t try anything?”


“NO! I doubt he’d want to, knowing that we had just been together. He did kiss me though when I first opened the door.”


“Oh, did you kiss him back?”


“I don’t know, I guess maybe for a second, but then I pushed him back and asked what the fuck he was doing.”


“He is fighting for you!”


“And I guess by what you just said you aren’t going to?” I asked again tears welling in my eyes.


“I don’t like to fight for a girl. She either wants me or she doesn’t. I don’t have time for games.”


“I do want you!” I scream at him “…. It is just that I want him too…”


“Well you can’t have both, so make up your mind.” He stood up and started walking towards his bed.


“Alex?” I speak quietly “Can I still come home with you?”


He looked back and said, “I was really hoping that you would want to.”


I stood up and walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I gently kiss him and then whisper in his ear, “By the way, you were amazing tonight.”


I could feel his heart begin to beat faster and he leaned down and kissed me more passionately. I really did love the way his kissed me, it was almost like his lips were made for mine. How was it possible that when Nick kissed me earlier it felt just as perfect? I pulled myself away and looked up at AJ. I smiled and turned to walk into my bedroom.


“Good night, Dess.” He said sweetly.


“Goodnight Jay” I reply as I close my door.


THE NEXT MORNING


AJ and I wake up around 8am to leave for the US. We are both exhausted beings neither of us went to bed until 3am. I come out of my room just as AJ is coming out of his. We stand in the middle of the living area staring at each other for a second. He then puts his luggage down and wraps his arms around me. I look up and smile at him and he smiles back.


“Ready?” he asks sweetly.


“Yep.” I reply.


The flight to Orlando was horribly long. Lucky AJ reserved first class seating for us. Things were pretty cool between to two of us during the flight. We didn’t discuss the night before at all and just pretty much hung out like we were still just friends. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not, but I have to admit, I was really glad that there was no tension.


Once we arrived in Orlando it really felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It had been months since I had been in the United States. I still had to find my way to Virginia to sign my final paperwork to get out of the military. I did most of it before leaving the ship, but I did need to actually be discharged.


AJ house was pretty amazing. I admit I expected it to be kind of off the wall styling; you know kind of like the way he dresses. However, it was nothing like that. The colors were very neutral. He had a huge leather sofa in the living room. There were quite a few art pieces hanging, and very beautiful beige area rug. The floor looks like bamboo hardwood, but I may be mistaken. The walls were two toned, with camel and caramel. The entertainment center was placed in the middle of the black wall. It was very organized and neat and not over furnished or cluttered.


The kitchen was very big. In the center sat an island on which the stove was at. Above that hung all of his pots which from what I could tell were copper. The counter tops were all black granite. The floors were marble. All of the appliances where stainless steal. I was in heaven in this kitchen. It was the kitchen of my dreams. I couldn’t wait to cook something for AJ.


He showed me my room which of course was better than any room I have ever had. The walls were a honey color and the décor was a sage green. In the middle of the room was a huge king size sleigh bed. There was an attached bathroom to the right of the room. To the left was a set of French doors that opened up to the balcony. From the balcony you could see the lake that AJ’s house sat next to. I walked out onto the balcony and took a deep breath. Thoughts of the last two months weed through my head. How did I manage to get two of the most sought after men in the world to want me? I'm not anyone special. I'm not very talented. I don’t come from a wealthy family. How did I get so lucky and so unlucky at the same time? How was I going to decide who my heart really belonged to?

While standing on the balcony memories of the night before flood my mind. AJ was absolutely incredible. We seemed so perfect for each other. We fit so well together. At that moment I felt hands wrap around my waist. I turn around and face AJ, who is smiling down at me. He sweeps a piece of hair out of my face that was blown there by the wind. He is looking directly in my eyes, and I wanted him. I pulled his face down to mine and placed my lips onto his. The kiss was full of passion. It was soft, but it was so sensual. He picked me up and sat me on the edge of the balcony. He looked me dead in the eye and said “You drive me crazy. No matter how much I tell myself to give you space and not pressure you, I can not help but want you.”


“I want you too, Alex…” I reply.


AJ shook his head “You want me right now, but in a few hours you will want Nick and if it isn’t in a few hours the next time you see him, you will want him. I can not accept the fact that the woman that I am in love with wants someone else. So, we are either going to be lovers or friends. You are either going to choose me or Nick. That is it. I will not fight for you; I will not try to win you over. If you are going to be with me, it is because you choose me without any bribery or outside influence.”


“Can I still have you until I make up my mind?” I ask with my sexy voice and my sexy smile.


“UGGGG!!! Dess!! Don’t do that to me. You make me want to take you right now!!”


“That is what I want….since last night, I can’t get you out of my head. I have never experienced sex like last night. It was so exhilarating. It was so fulfilling. I so didn’t want it to end. And I defiantly want it again.”


AJ took me into his arms and pulled me off the ledge. He carried me over to my bed and laid me down onto it. He stood over me looking down at me. He crawled onto the bed and placed one arm on each side of me. He looked down into my eyes and said “Do you want me Dess?”


“Yes, I want you!” I replied.


“Do you love me Dess?” he asked.


“Do I have to be in love with you to want you?” I ask.


“No, but it makes it better…” he leaned down and kissed me. I pushed him up a little and looked him in the eye.


“I don’t know if it is love or infatuation, but you do something to me that makes me feel out of control. I loved feeling that last night. You made me forget all my troubles. You made me excited for life again. And frankly it was the best fucking sex I have ever had.”


He returned his lips to mine and forcefully kissed me. He quickly took my clothes off and then his own. Within minutes he was inside of me. It felt different this time. It felt forced, like he didn’t really want to me with me. It was over quickly and he got up and put his clothes back on. He looked over at me and I guess he could see the disappointment in my face. He said, “Still the best sex you’ve ever had?”


My eyes filled with tears and I looked away from him. I wipe a tear away and then looked back at him. “You didn’t have to force yourself to be with me AJ. I would’ve accepted the fact that that you didn’t want to be with me again until I made a decision. Instead, you just made me feel used.”


“It sucks to feel used doesn’t Dessie?”


I begin to sob more and AJ looks away from me and then says “At least now you know what it feels like when I am making love and when I am fucking.”


He was being so cold. It was a side of him I had never seen. It was almost like he was playing AJ the Backstreet Boy and not himself. I got off the bed, grabbed my clothes and shut myself in the bathroom. How could he say those things to me? How could he be so cold? If he was trying to push me away he was doing a damn good job at it. I sat against the door with me knees to my chest and just cried. Now my heart was in more pain than ever.


AJ’s BRAIN


What did I just do? Why did I just say those things to her? Am I purposely trying to push her away? Am I trying to make her choose Nick? I know one thing though; I will not just sit her and let her fuck me whenever she wants me. What about when I want her? What about how much I love her? I am just going to stay away from her until she figures this out. This house is big enough that I don’t even have to see her if I don’t want too. That is what I will do; I will just avoid her and let her make up her mind.


MEANWHILE IN THE BATHROOM


I finally got up and got into the bathtub. I felt like I had to wash him off of me. How could he treat me like that? How could he make me feel so used and unwanted? If he really wanted to be with me, that was not the way to show me. How was that love?


Over the next few days AJ completely avoided me. I felt like I was in this huge house all by myself. I heard him leave very early every morning and he did not come home until late at night. I am sure he was drunk two of those nights. I was seriously considering packing my things and leaving. I was at least going to get out of the house.


I got dressed and grabbed the keys to one of AJ’s cars. I grabbed my purse off of the desk in the corner and opened the door only to find Nick standing there about to knock.


“Nick! What are you doing here?” I asked calmly, but inside I was so excited to see him.


He ran his hand through his hair bashfully and then said, “I wanted to see you. I thought maybe we could go have lunch together.”


I allowed a smile to slide across my face and I say “I was just on my way out myself. I would love to go to lunch with you.”


His shyness suddenly went away and he seemed like himself again. “Sweet, where were you going?”


“No idea! I just had to get out of the house before I went stir crazy!”


“AJ hasn’t been keeping you busy?” asked Nick suspiciously.


“Hardly! He hasn’t said a word to me since the day we got here.” I said shaking my head.


“What happened?”


“UGGGG…I think he is mad at me, because I haven’t made a decision. I think it is bothering him that I am staying in his house, but sleeping in a different room.”


“You mean you’re not still sleeping with him?”


I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I mean the whole reason why we are fighting is because we had sex, but then again, I don’t see it happening again.



“No we aren’t sleeping together. Honestly, when you heard us the other night, that was the first time it had happened. I hadn’t been sleeping with AJ while pining away for you. Something just happened between me and AJ. I can’t explain it?”


“You sound like you are in love with him” he said as he looked forward while driving down the road.


“I don’t think so… I am starting to think it is more of an infatuation…I mean he was after all my favorite Backstreet Boy. He was the one I use to day dream about in high school. He was my celebrity crush. And now that he is in my life it is kind of surreal.”


“So….you are like fulfilling a fantasy by sleeping with my best friend knowing that both he and I are in love with you?”


I look over at him. How do I answer this without sounding like a slut? “AJ was there for me Nick. He showed me affection at my weakest moment. He made me feel beautiful even when I knew I looked horrible. He made me smile and laugh when I felt like I didn’t have anything to laugh about. And when we were together he made me feel….I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear this.”


“No, tell me! What did he make you feel that I didn’t?” he said raising his voice.


Tears streamed down my checks again. “He made me feel that I was all he wanted.”


“I didn’t do that for you? I didn’t make you feel like I wanted you?”


“Yeah, I felt wanted by you, but you quickly made me feel unwanted. While I was in pain from losing the baby, you were out screwing a different girl every night. I had to just lay there in bed listening to you fuck them. Wanting so badly to be them.”


Nick pulled over to the side of the road. He got out of the car and then came and pulled me out. He looked down and me and yelled, “I wanted them to be you!!” he then pulled me into him and kissed me. I felt my knees go weak. There was the feeling that I had been missing. There was the want and the love that I wanted to feel. He pulled away from me and looked down at me as he wiped the tears off of my checks. “I wanted nothing more than to be with you every night. The only way I could get you out of my head was to drown myself in alcohol. I wanted to come and take you back everyday. I just thought I had fucked to bad for you to ever forgive me.”


“For awhile I honestly didn’t think I could.” I admitted.


“Have you now?” he asked with hope in his eyes.


“I just did.” I replied and pulled him down to me. He kissed me again with his lips lingering on mine a few seconds longer this time. “Take me to your house.”


“OK”


We got back into the car and drove to Nick’s house. I had a huge knot in my throat the entire way. I was sure now that I was going to choose Nick. I was terrified of telling AJ. Once we got to Nicks house he opened my door and took my hand. He pulled me into a soft kiss and then walked me into his house. He shut the door and immediately turned around and pushed me up against the wall. He smothered my face and neck with kisses. He pulled my head gently back by pulling my hair. I let out a moan of pleasure. He backed away and walked up the stairs with me close behind him. He pulled me into his room and allowed a smile to slide across his face. Pulled his shirt over his head and pulled me into his bare chest. I kissed his chest as he lifted my arms and removed my shirt. He laid me onto the bed and kissed down my stomach. He reached me scar next to my belly button and asked “Is this where you had the surgery?” I nodded my head yes as he leaned down to kiss the scar. Nick pulled my pants off and then my underwear. He kissed me just below my navel and then slid his fingers into my wetness. I arched my back with pleasure as he rubbed me gently. He then moved his fingers into my opening and his mouth onto my clit. As he gave me oral pleasure a flash of AJ doing the same thing flashed in my mind. For an instant I felt guilty for being with Nick. As quickly as the guilt came though it went. Nick rose above me and took his pants off, he then placed him self on top of me and went to enter me.



“Wait!” I said. “You need to put a condom on.” I add. Nick shook his head no and replied, “NO! I want to show you that if you get pregnant I will be here. I want to show you that I am not running anymore.”


Nick then entered me slowly and gently. After allowing my body to adjust to his manly hood he began to pick up the pace. He got more and more forceful with every thrust. He looked down at me and said, “I love you Dessie. I never stopped. I want you to come back to me.”


“I am already back Nick.” I reply as he smiles and brings his lips back down to mine. After a few more minutes both Nick and I receive our climax and are lying side by side.


“Promise me, you won’t ever let me go so easy again.” Said Nick.


“I didn’t let you go easy this time Nick. I just didn’t know how to make you want something that I wanted so badly.”


“Well, I promise, I will never let you go as easily as I did this time.”


Nick laid there holding until we both feel asleep. A few hours later we wake up and suddenly the realization that I have to tell AJ that I am not going to be with him hit me. What am I going to say to him? How am I going to tell him? How is he going to react?


I got out of bed and put my clothes on. Nick looked over and asked me where I was going. I told him that I needed to speak with AJ to let him know that I had made a decision. I didn’t want to keep stringing him along. Nick took me back to AJ’s house and once I arrived I was petrified. Nick dropped me off and told me to call when I was done and he would come and get me. I watched as he drove off and turned around to walk to the house. As I moved my eyes from the ground to eye level I found AJ standing outside the door looking at me.


“You been with him all day?” he asked with a cold look on his face.


“Yeah.” I reply as I nod slowly.


“What are you back here for then?” he ask still with a cold voice and cold face.


“I came back to talk to you.” I answer.


“Why? To tell me you spent the day fucking Nick? To tell me that you have choose him? To tell me we are better off as friends?” He screams at me. Tears are rolling down my face.


“Well, don’t waste your breath. I don’t really give a fuck and frankly I was through with you anyway.”


“AJ, why are you saying these things. Why have you been so cold and distant the past you days? Why did you treat me like a whore the other night?”


“Did you sleep with Nick today?” he asks with his face finally softening and becoming more sad. I just look at the ground. “See that…” he said “That right there is why I treated you like a whore….It is obvious you are one.”


I am now really angry. I start yelling and screaming and crying uncontrollably. I pick up a rock and throw it at AJ’s house. “Fuck you AJ!! And to think that I was coming back to tell you that I was in love with you and that I wanted us to be together. I must have been fucking stupid.”


AJ’s mouth had dropped open and he didn’t say a word. “I am glad I didn’t say that before I realized what you really think of me. Either get my stuff together and send it to Nicks or I will come by later and pick it up. I am so done here.”


“Dess….wait” said AJ.


“Don’t waste your breath Alex, it is so over.” I reply as I turn and walk away. I felt a little guilty about making him think that I was going to choose him, but I didn’t know another way to make him feel as shitty as I was feeling.


AJ’s BRAIN


AJ fell to his knees and began to cry. Why had he said those horrible to her? He was so sure that she was going to choose Nick. He just thought he was building up a defense system so that he would be so hurt by her rejection. And in return, he instead he ended up rejecting her.

As I turn and walk away, I can hear him crying. I find myself crying too. I really didn’t want it to be this way. What had I gotten myself into? I was hurting someone that I cared deeply about, but when I look at the big picture, I don’t see another way. I can’t be with both of them, and I had to choose the one I loved the most. I know that it is Nick. The only problem with that is that AJ probably loves me more than Nick does. I having a feeling that I am setting myself up for more pain, but I have to follow my heart.


I pull my cell phone out and call Nick. “Hey…. I am done. You can come back and get me.”


“You are done already. I just left like five minutes ago.” He replied.


“Lets just say it didn’t go to well.”


“OK… I will be right there.” Nick hung up the phone. He wondered what was said to make the conversation end so quickly.


I sat down and the edge of the side walk and buried my face into my hands. It wasn’t long before Nick was pulling up. He got out of the car and walked up to me. He reached down and took my hand and pulled me up. He wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his chest.


“Shhhh…” he said, “It’s going to be alright.” He added as he rub my back.


“He was so horrible Nick. I can’t believe he said those things to me.”


“Shhh… It’s OK. Lets just go, we can talk on the way home.”


I nod my head as I walk over and get into the car. The first few minutes not a single word was said. Nick kept looking at me though. I could feel his eyes trying to burn a hole in my head. He wanted me to talk. He was just afraid to ask.


“I am alright.” I finally announced.


“Are you sure, I mean you were really upset?” he asked sincerely.


“I did something pretty shitty, that I now feel horrible about” I admitted.


“What did you do?” he asked.


“Well,” I took a deep breath, “I kind of made him think that I was going to pick him.”


Nick looked shocked for a second and then said “What made you do that?”


“Well he was saying all of these horrible things about me. He called me a whore and told me that he was through with me. All this time he was under the influence that I had come to tell him that I was choosing you.”


Nick nodded for me to continue.


“Well, I then was so angry that he was being so cold that I thought that maybe I could just make him think that he was the one who called it off.”


Nick was getting a little mad, I could see it in his face.


“….I know Nick it is horrible of me, and I am so regretting it now.”


“You have to tell him that you choose me.” Nick demanded. “I refuse to have him going around thinking that the only reason you are with me is because he didn’t want you anymore.”


“Nick, I am sorry, but how do I go back now and tell him that I was really going to choose you?”


“I don’t know, but you need to figure it out.”


We were silent the rest of the way home. Nick was pissed I could tell. He was chewing on the inside of his mouth, like he always does when he was pissed. I continued to silently cry , wiping tears from my eyes ever so often. Why couldn’t I just let him say what ever he wanted, and just leave it at that? Why did I have to put all of this on AJ’s shoulders. Why does he have to carry this?


When we got home Nick still didn’t say much. All he said was that I better fix it. How was I suppose to fix it? I laid in bed all night barely sleeping. Finally at four in the morning I got up and slid my shoes on. I walked down stairs and grabbed the keys to the car and went to AJ’s.


I knocked on his door for what seemed like forever. Finally he opened it. He looked surprised to see me. “Ummm….come in.” He said as moved to the side to allow me to enter.


“What are you doing here?” he asked


“I couldn’t leave things the way they were earlier. And I am feeling really guilty and need to tell you something.”


“Ok, go ahead, I am listening.” Replied as he crossed his arms over his chest.


“Earlier today when I told I came to tell you that I chose you…. I didn’t”


“I know.” He replied. “I am not dumb Dess. At first I was like SHIT, but then I realized why the hell you would sleep with AJ today if you knew you were going to pick me. That when it hit me… you weren’t going to pick me, you already picked Nick.”


“I am sorry, Alex, I was just looking for a way to make you hurt more for saying all that shit about me. I just wanted you to be hurting like I was when you called me a fucking whore.”


AJ looked down at the ground. He ran his hand over the back of his neck and then looked up at me. “I didn’t mean those things Dess. I too, was just looking for a way to hurt you. I just wanted to do it before you hurt me. It was like a defense mechanism or something. I didn’t mean it.”


“I am really sorry Jay. I really do love you a lot. I just had to follow my heart. And in the end I will probably regret it, because you probably love me more than Nick, but I just have to go with my gut.”


AJ nodded his head and pulled me in for a hug “Still Friends?” he asked.


“Always.” I replied. I looked up at him and pulled my face up to him and kissed me softly on the lips. He pulled away and looked dead at me and said “I’ll miss you. You are always welcome back in my heart.”


I hugged him tightly and thanked him for being so understanding. I left pretty quickly to get back to Nick’s house. I opened the door and Nick was sitting on the couch. He looked pissed.


“Where the hell have you been, and why the hell didn’t you tell me you were taking me car?”


“I went to AJ’s.”


“In the middle of the night? Why? What did you do with him?” he yelled.


“I didn’t do anything with him, Nick. I couldn’t let all that shit that happened today stay on my conscience. I went to tell him the truth.”


I could see that Nick immediately felt bad for jumping to conclusions. “Oh…. Ummm. How did he take it?”


“He said that he already knew. He said that there would be no way that I would have slept with you if I was really going to chose him. And he told me he was sorry for calling me a whore. He said that he was just trying to put up a defense system for his own emotions. I apologized for the way I handle things and we talked for a few more minutes and then I left.”


“So everything is OK with you guys?”


“Yeah, I think so. We agreed that we would still be friends. I mean it isn’t like we were dating or anything, we just you know,….sleep together a few times.”


Nick clinched his jaw when I said that. “Yeah, don’t remind me.”


“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too….”


“No, it is OK. I will just have to learn to deal with the fact that my girl slept with one of my best friends.”


“Look, Nick. If this is really going to be a problem, maybe use being together really isn’t such a good idea. I mean, I don’t need you throwing this up in my face every time we get in an argument. And besides, I never cheated on you. You broke up with me and I got with AJ…. I did nothing to you.”


Nick just looked down at the ground for a few more minutes and then looked up at me. “Your right. I am sorry. I am very glad you are back. I am so sorry for everything I put you through.” He got up and walked over to me. He wrapped his arms and kissed me on my head.


“I love you, Dess.”


“I love you, too.”


THREE WEEKS LATER


I sit up in bed and look around. I have a familiar feeling in my stomach and I jump up and run to the bathroom. Holy shit this can not happen to me again. I sit down on the toilet and begin to cry. God, please don’t let this be what I think it is. Oh shit, if I am, who’s is it. God please no, please don’t let me be pregnant. I sat there for a few more minutes regaining my composer.


I walk back out into the room and luckily Nick didn’t wake up, he was still asleep. I gather my clothes and slide them on. I wasn’t about to wait to find out whether or not I was pregnant. I leave him a note on the night stand and leave. I walk into the store and dreadfully grab and EPT test and go directly to the bathroom after paying for it. I wait for wait seemed like forever, but in reality it was only 2 minutes. I pick up the stick and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. There were two lines. I am fucking pregnant. AGAIN!!!! FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I am so screwed. How the hell am I going tell both AJ and Nick that you might be a daddy.


I compose myself and head back to Nick’s house. When I get there I hear him call from the kitchen and I walk in and it is like he immediately knows that something is wrong.

“What is wrong? Are you OK?”


“No, I am not.” Here goes nothing I think to myself. “I think you might want to sit down for this.” I add.


Nick sat down on a stool at the bar and said “OK…. Talk to me.”


“Nick,” I take a deep breath, “I am pregnant.”


All of the color drained from Nicks face, and I was sure we was about to freak out on me. Instead he took a deep breath and said. “That is great, baby. When did you find out and how far along are you?”


“No Nick, it isn’t great. This is totally fucked up. I am only a few weeks pregnant, because I had a period after I lost the last one.”


“OK….” Nick was looking at me confused.


“NICK!!! Hello, do I have to spell it out for you?”


“I guess so, cause I am kind of lost.”


“I had sex with you and AJ within 72 hours of one another. How in the hell am I supposed to know who’s child this is?”


“HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DESS!!” he yelled at me.


“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.”

"So what are we gonna do, I mean we can't seriously tell AJ, that this could be his baby. I mean then he is gonna like think he has property rights or soemthing." Nick said frustrated.

"NICK!!! We have to tell him, it is just as much of a chance that it is his as it is your's. Plus, I can't imagine keeping something like that from him. I mean he was really there for me when I lost our baby, and you weren't I can not keep this a secret. I mean really how long do you think it will be before I am showing and it is obvisous that I am pregnanat? How long do you think it will take form him to realize that I am due exactly nine months from the time that I had sex with him?"



"Dammit Dess, I just got you back. It has been only like a month. I can't go through this. I can't be in a constant battle with AJ over you." Nick said putting his face into his hands."

"So, what you are going to break up with me again?" I ask starting to get upset. "I mean you do realize that I choose you over AJ right? YOu do realize that I want you to be this childs daddy right?"

"No, I don't want to break up, I am just scared that if that child is not mine that you will leave me for AJ."

"Nick, I have made my choice I want to be with you, and a baby is not going to make me change my mind. If AJ is the father, he will be involved in his life, but you will be too. It will have two daddy's if AJ is the father and one if you are. I don't plan on going anywhere unless you don't want me anymore."

"No, I want you" he sat there for a minute and then looked up at me "So when are you gonna tell AJ?"

"I guess I should get it done quickly, I mean I don't want to put it off and cause myself to stress out over it. It isn't healthy for the baby."

"OK, well, I have plans with Brain to play ball today, so you can go over then and talk to AJ."



"OK"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours later I walk up to AJ's door and knock. After a few minutes he came to the door in nothing but a towel. "WOW, Dess, babe what cha doing here?"


"I kindof need to talk to you." I anwser but I realize he isn't alone, "But don't worry I can come back, I didn't mean to interupt you."

"No, no, come in. I will get her out. I just meet her at a clup last night, You know how that goes" he wriggled his eyes at me.

I nodded yeah and sat down on the couch. This was going to be hard to say. AJ and I were finally getting close again. We were finally able to talk like friends again, and now this is going to change it all. God I hope he doesn't freak out.

A few minutes later AJ walked back down and escorted a red headed girl out of his house. He looked over at me and raised his eyebrows like he could tell that something was worng.

"Is everthing ok? What is wrong? What did Nick do?" he started questioning.

"Nick hasn't done anything. Well, he has, but he isn't the only one."

"HUH?" he asked confused.

"I think maybe it would be a good idea if you sit down while I tell you this, because I promise you it is going to be quite a shock." I tell him as he moves to the chair across from me.

"OK, what is it. You are really freaking me out."



"AJ, umm....God this is hard" I say as I put my head in my hand.

"Come on Dess, spit it out, it can't be that bad."

"Oh, yeah, what if I told you that I was pregnant again and I am not sure if it is yours of Nicks?" I spit out and look at him. His mouth is gaping open and he doesn't say a word.

"What would you think of that?"

He looked down at the coffee table and then looked back up at me. "Your pregnant?"

I nodded my head yes.

"Well, isn't that some shit." he replied still staring at the coffee table.

"Well say something else AJ. get mad or happy or cry or scream, but please say something."

"Holy SHIT!!! I might be a daddy" he spat out. "When are you gonna know who the daddy is?"

"When I diliver."

"So, you mean both Nick and I are gonna be thinking that this is our kid and one of us is going to get a huge let down? Does Nick even know yet?"

"Yeah, he knows, and he is a little freaked too, but he is doing much better than last time."

"Well, Dess, I know how upset you were last time when Nick freaked out on you, so I am not going to do that, I don't want you losing the baby, but please know that I am very, very confused by all of this and I may need a few days to process it all."



"I understand. I just thought you had as much right to know that you may become a daddy here very soon as much as Nick did."

"Well thanks for telling me, because I promise if you wouldn't have told me and this kid ends up being mine, you would have one very pised off Alex on your hands. I rather go throught the whole process and end up being Uncle AJ, then to miss the whole process and be daddy."

"Well, I am gonna go, I need to find a doctor here really soon. I want to make sure that everything is ok, given my pervious miscarriage." I stood up and walked toward the door.

"Dess wait." AJ walked up and wrapped his arm around me. "Dess, I would be honored to be the father of this child. I want you to know that. If it is mine, I want it. I will be here 100% for you."

"Thanks J. I knew you would."

The next few weeks flew by. It was like all of a sudden I had so much stuff to do. Nick and the rest of the guys were leaving in a few days to go on a promotional tour for the new album ‘Unbreakable' and I was going to stay around here and take care of things with the baby. So far things were looking good. I found a doctor that I really like, which I was worried about. Nick, AJ and I decided that I would do the appointments by myself and would not make it known who the possible daddy's were. When we have ultrasounds we would make a big to do about it, where all of the boys and there wives would come along to see it, so it would look strange that both Nick and AJ were there.



I called my mom to tell her the news and she seemed to be pleased about it. I also called Elle to tell her that I was pregnant again. The last time I talked to her I had lost the baby. I was thinking about inviting her down to stay with me while Nick was gone. It was a mighty big house to stay in by myself. I made a mental note to talk with Nick about it.



Nick and I have been getting along great. The first few day after we found out that I was pregnant again, he seemed a little distant, but he came around. It is almost like I am not pregnant. I mean I am not showing yet or anything, and I have pretty much got past the morning sickness. Nick and I have been going boating and hanging out in the pool. He has suddenly got this strange addiction to golf though. I hate golf! I hate to play golf and I hate to watch Nick play. So when Nick decides to play, I go hang out with AJ.



AJ is defiantly more excited about the possibility of being a dad than Nick is. He is already talking about names and discussing how we are going to dress it. He is dead set on it being a little girl. He wants to name her Pressly. I like Pressly, it is very cutesee and a little sexy. He is already looking through books about decorating nursery's. It is honestly crazy how excited he is. It almost makes me hope that it is AJ's. That way, I have no doubt that it will be wanted.



I think Nick is still trying to pretend that it isn't real. He never ask questions about it. It doesn't seem the least bit interested when I talk about it. That is why I get so excited to tell AJ about it. He shares the excitement. He told me that he would be the best dad he could be. He promised that he would do everything in his power to make sure the baby knows that it is wanted. He said that when he was little he always wondered why his dad didn't really want to be around him. He said that he promised himself that when he became a dad that he would never make the child feel the way he felt growing up.



So today, I am going to talk to Nick about Elle coming down. I am sure he won't mind, I just want to run it by him first.





"So Nick, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to have my friend Elle come down for a few weeks while you guys are gone?" I ask as I sit down next to him on the couch.



"Yeah sure, I don't care" he replied not even looking away from the TV.



Annoyed I ask, "Is everything OK, you are acting strange?"



"I am fine."



"Then why are you acting like this?"



"Dammit Dess, I am trying to watch the fucking game. Can't you just shut the fuck up?" He yelled at me.



I sat there stunned for a minute. A tear escaped from my eye and I quickly wiped it away. I didn't say anything else. I stood up walked to the door grabbed my purse and left. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I wasn't staying there to be ignored and then yelled at.

I swear it is like Nick has a fucking period or something. Once a month he becomes this complete ass.



I can't stop the tears from flowing down my face and I know that I am probably over reacting, but the more I drive the more I think and the angrier I am getting. About 20 minutes later I find myself sitting in AJ driveway. I am fighting with myself whether or not to go in. Do I really want him to see me like this? Do I really want to make him think that I am upset about our relationship? Screw it, AJ has always been the sane one. He will help me snap out of this. I am just being over emotional.



I get out of the car and knock on the door. I am trying to wipe tears away when he opens the door. He can tell immediately that something is worng. "Come in." he said as he moved to the side to allow me in. "What is wrong ? Is everything OK?"



I suddenly burst into tears again. I can't contain it. "AJ, I am so sorry to come here, but you are like the only person I have to turn to when I just don't know what to do."



"It OK, that is what I am hear for. What is it?"



"It is Nick. He is so mean to me sometimes. He just fucking looses it and starts yelling for no apparent reason. Not to mention he totally doesn't want this baby. I know he doesn't. I mean he acts nothing like you. He totally ignores me when I talk about it, he never asks questions about my appointments. It is like he just wants to wake up in the morning and have it all be a bad dream. It is killing me. It is making me feel so alone."



"OH, Dess come here." AJ pulls me into him and hugs me tightly. "It's gonna be OK. He is probably just trying not to get to close incase the baby is mine. He probably doesn't want to get his hopes up."



"That is bullshit Alex and you know it. Look at you! Look at the way you act about it. Nick has never once had excitement in his eyes about it. Not to mention it like he is disgusted by me now."



"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he doesn't want me anymore. He barely ever kisses me or touches me, and forget making love. It hasn't happened in weeks. It is like I am disgusting to him. I think he feels like he made a mistake in getting back together with me."



"What do you think about that?" he ask as he looked down into my eyes.



"Sometimes I think he is right. I mean I knew when I made my choice that in the long run I was going to end up getting hurt. I knew that you probably loved me more than Nick, but I really thought that I loved him more than I loved you. I had to go with my heart, even if it meant getting it broke later."



"You know I am still here Dess, right? You know I still want you with everything in me. I am still very in love with you. That is why I want this kid to be mine. It is like a way of keeping a part of you forever. We will be forever linked to one another."



"Why can't Nick say something like that, why can't he love me the way you do." AJ reached his finger up to my lips "SHHH"



He then leaned down and kissed me soflty at first and once he sensed my exceptance he kissed more forcefully. I return the kiss for a few seconds and then pull away. "AJ I really don't think I can go through all of this again. I mean I don't know if I have the courage and the heart to leave him. I mean I love him."



"Then don't leave him, stay with him. He never has to know about this. We never have to tell him." He leaned down and kissed me again.



Every part of my body wanted him, and even though my heart was telling me I shouldn't be doing this I knew that there was no way I would be able to turn away from his touch. I reached my hands up and around his neck and he lifted me up as I wrapped my legs around him and he carried me up to the bedroom. He laid me gently on the bed and placed himself over me. He kissed me deeply for a second and then moved down across my neck and then onto my collarbone. I felt my body aching for him. He lifted my shirt over my head and unclasped my bra with one quick sweep. He then removed his shirt. He smiled as he looked down at my chest. "They have gotten bigger" he said as he looked at my breast. I nod my head yes, and he said "They are still beautiful". I knew AJ wasn't a fan a of big boobs, so it was a relief that he wasn't turned off by them. He leaned over and took my breast into his mouth and I let out a moan. IT felt so good to be touch. AJ was very good at it. He kissed down my chest and to my stomach. He ran his hands back and forth across it and then planted small kisses all over it. He looked up and smiled at me. Next he slowly pulled down my pants and then my panties. HE stood up off of the bed and removed his also. HE leaned back down over me and look me dead in the eyes, a smile moved across his face and he said "I never thought I would get the chance to make love to you again. Let me show you how sorry I am for the last time we were together." I nodded my head as he spread my legs and he slipped his finger into my wetness. I moan loudly at his touch. He caressed my swollen clit like he was born to do it just for me. After making sure I was ready to take him, he lowered his body on to me. I felt as his erect manhood pressed up against my opening. Slowly and gently he entered me. I could feel my body tighten around him. I could see the passion in his eyes. He moved back and forth slowly never taking his eyes off of mine. After a few minutes we were set at a good rythom and I was kissing an hugging his body, begging for more. Begging for him to go harder and deeper. I could see the resistance in his eyes. The fear of hurting me. I tell him that it is ok that the baby is safe to just forget that it is there. It doesn't take long before he is pounding deeply into me and I feel my release coming. I arch my back as I let out an intense moan of pleasure I climax. A few minutes later AJ's follows, and our pace slows and then disapates. AJ leans down and kisses me again as he moves off of me and over to the side.



We lay there a minute without saying a word. Finally I break the silence. "AJ, I am so sorry, but that probably shouldn't have happened. I can't leave Nick. I promised that I wouldn't ever leave him for you."



"Don't worry Dess, you don't have too leave him. You don't even have to tell him this happened. I wanted it to happen, and I knew that you weren't going to leave Nick. I also know that one day, you will realize that I am really the one you should be with. I am OK with waiting for you. I am OK, keeping us a secret until you are ready to admit that I should be your guy."



"I don't know AJ. I mean that is really a horrible thing to do to both you and Nick. I don't know if I can be a cheater. I just don't think it is in me."



"Well, you think about it, and remember I am always here for you, even if you only want a word of advice."



I get dressed and leave pretty quickly. I get down to my car and once again I burst into tears. I came over here thinking that AJ would some how make me feel better, but in return I left even more confused and I have no idea what I am going to do. I am seriously FUCKED!!!

Once I arrive back at home I am terrified to go in. What if Nick can see the guilt on my face? What if he knows somehow that I just slept with Alex? I seat in the car and take a deep breath. “Calm yourself Dess, just act as if nothing happened.” I say out loud to myself. I get out of the car and walk up to the house. Looking down at my watch I realize that I have been gone for hours. I walk inside and find Nick sting on the couch still watching TV. Had he even noticed that I was gone? I shut the door and head straight up stairs not even acknowledging my presence. I get in the shower in hope to wash Alex’s scent off of me. I could still smell him; I could still feel his lips on mine. What in the world was I doing? Could I seriously pull an affair off? I mean what if Nick doesn’t want to make love to me at all while I am pregnant? Am I just supposed to go without? I am fucking pregnant for GOD sacks….Pregnant women are horny!!!


After my shower I get in bed and prepare myself for sleep. Finally Nick comes in the room. He sit’s on the edge of the bed and looks down at the floor. “I am not sure I can do this Dess. I mean I want to be the supportive boyfriend, but I am honestly terrified. I mean what if the baby isn’t mine? Hell, what if the baby is mine? I have no clue how to be a dad. And if it is AJ’s shit, what is going to happen to us? It is like either way, I am so scared that we just will not make it through this?”


“Nick, what are you trying to say?”


He looked me dead in the eyes and said “I am so sorry, but I really wish that this pregnancy never happened. It is like, so fucked up. Who gets pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is. To make matters worse the two possible fathers are best friends. I just, I don’t know I am so lost here. It is like hard for me to even look at you. I really tried to get past it, but it has been eating away at me. I want to be with you, I am so in love with you; yet every time I look at you, I can’t stand the idea of touching you, when you may be carrying another mans baby.”


Tears are pouring down my face at his point. I mean here is Nick opening up to me and all I can think is AJ didn’t have a problem making love to me. I almost said it, but I really didn’t think it would be a good idea to tell him at this point. Nick may have gone nuts. Instead I nod my head and say, “You don’t have to make love to me Nick. You don’t have to fucking touch me. IF you don’t want to be with me Nick, I am quite sure AJ….” I shut up before finishing when I seen Nick look up at me.


“AJ, what?” he demanded. I just stared at him “AJ what , Dess? He will still fuck you? You think so? Is that what you are saying? Well feel free Dess, go get it. I promise you, you don’t have to worry about me wanting any. All I think about when I look at you anyway, is how you fucked my best friend. How somehow you managed to get both of us to fall in love with you. Who the hell are you? No one! What is special about you? Nothing!”


Nick was standing up yelling as I sit on the bed crying. I never understood why guys always get so mean when you fight. It is like they are telling what they really think. Like they are too afraid to say it any other time.

“Nick that isn’t what I meant. It is Just that AJ is so excited about the baby. He wants to be involved. I can’t even get a half a smile out of you when I talk about it. I know that I fucked up sleeping with both of you, but come on Nick, we all know that when you step back and look at the big picture this is your fault.”


Nick stood there for a minute just staring at the wall. Finally he looked over at me “I think maybe this little trip we are going on is going help. I need to get things in perspective. Go ahead and get your friend down here…..I am going to sleep in one of the guest beds.”


To its Friday. I am picking Elle up in about an hour. I am on my way to the airport now. Nick and I have hardly said two words to one another and I haven’t spoken to AJ at all. The guys are leaving right before Elle gets here. I wanted her to finally meet Nick, but I really don’t think that this would be a good time.


Once I arrive at the airport we park the car and get out. Nick and I walk in silence as we reach his terminal. All of the other guys are waiting already. Nick looks over at me and gives me half a smile as he takes my hand and we walk up. It was almost like he wanted them to think everything was fine.


“Yo, Nick I haven’t seen you in a couple weeks man. How have you been?” asked Howie.


“Good, we have been good.” Nick replied.


AJ walked up and gave me a little wink as he touched my tummy and said hello to the baby. I could see the anger in Nick’s eyes. No one else seemed to notice.


“So, Dess how is the baby doing?” asked Brian.


“Good, I am almost out of my first trimester. After that I will stop being so worried about loosing it again.” I answer honestly.


“Well, I am glad to see that everything is going well.”

‘All passengers for flight 1892 you may now begin to board.’
“Well, that is us.” Replied Howie as he and Brian start to walk toward the gate.


Nick looks down at me and for the first time in a long time I seen sadness in his eyes. Lately they had been more empty that sad. He leaned down and kissed me softly and pulled away. “I love you Dess, and I am so sorry about all of this. Maybe this will help.”


I nod as I brush tears off of my face. AJ then walks up and hugs me. He whispers that he loves me and that he is still mine. I grin at him as he turns and walks away. I really did care about both of them so much. How will I ever really choose ONE of them? I guess only time will tell.


The guy’s plane took off and I am now waiting on Elle. I hear the intercom announce the arrival of her flight and walk to the gate and wait for her to exit. I notice her immediately. I run to her and wrap my arms around her. It was so good to see one of my friends.


Elle and I had been friends in High School. Best friends actually. We were both obsessed with the Backstreet Boys back then. We then joined the Navy together. We went to the same duty station every time, so that we could be together. We were always room mates. I really trusted her like I trust myself. Although, right now that doesn’t mean much!


“Elle, I am so glad to see you!”


“Let me see your tummy”


I lift my shirt and she smiles “AWWW……”


“Whatever” I reply “You can barely tell.”

Elle and I get her luggage and head out to the car. She immediately started babbling about how lucky I was that I had met Nick Rhoda. She kept complaining that if we hadn't got separated that maybe he would have fallen for her instead. I was kind of silent through the whole thing, letting her talk. She was extremely excited.



"So when do I get to meet Nick?" she asked.



"I don't really know....he is going to be gone for awhile. He may not be back for a few weeks." I reply trying to conceal the concern in my voice.



Elle stared at me for a second before finally speaking up "What is wrong Dess? And you better tell me the truth, I mean it. You know I will know if you are lying to me."



I take a deep breathing as I think about how much I should tell her. Just at this time we pull up to Nick's house and I think she is going to drop the subject if we just hurry and get inside. We get the luggage out and walk inside. I immediately try to show her around, but she want have it.



"No, no you don't. You are not going to change the subject on me now. Sit down and tell me what in the hell is going on with you." She demanded.



I sat down and stared at the TV for a second and then began talking really fast hoping that maybe she wouldn't catch it all "ok so you know that I am pregnant.....but what you don't know is that I am not sure if the baby is Nicks or AJ's. Both of them are aware that I have slept with both of them and they are both aware that they are the possible daddy. "



She looked at me and her eyes got really big. "So you don't know who the father is?"



I shook my head no. She then said "Why were you sleeping with AJ when you were with Nick?"



"Well when I got to Sweden to tell Nick that I was pregnant the first time. He went totally ballistic on me. He wanted me to have an abortion, and when I said no he broke up with me. Anyways, I ended up losing the baby, and AJ kind of took me under his wing. He even brought me to the hospital when I started bleeding. He stayed with me the whole time. He even slept in the chair in my room after I had surgery. He was really there for me. After I was released from the hospital, I really wasn't in the shape to fly home, and I didn't really have money to afford to stay in Sweden by myself, so AJ upgraded to a suite and I stayed with him. Over the next couple of weeks I could tell that he was really starting to develop feelings for me and in a way, I was for him too. By the way, during this whole thing, Nick would barely even speak to me and he was sleeping with a different girl like every night. SO anyway, all the other guys including Nick thought AJ and I were sleeping together, which we weren't. He and Nick even got into a few fights. Well the night before we flew back home, AJ asked if he could take me to dinner. To celebrate going home and to see Sweden a little, since I had been cramped in a room the majority of time. I said yes. Anyway, we went out and got totally wasted. It was like an animal attraction that I suddenly felt toward AJ. Needless to say once we got back to the room, it wasn't long before we were in bed together." I pause for a second looking at the confusion on her face.



"So how did you and Nick end up back together?"



"Well not five minutes after AJ and I were finished I wanted something to drink. Well when I opened the door, Nick was sitting against the wall outside of our room"



"No shit!"



"Yeah, for real! Anyways, he looked really hurt. AJ walked up to the door when he noticed that I was just standing there, and kind of stopped dead in his tracks when he seen Nick. AJ tried to say that it wasn't what it looked like, but Nick said that he wasn't stupid and that he could here us through the walls. I got cocky and asked him how it felt, you know since I had to listen to it almost every night. Well, then I turn and walk away and go to get some and soda while AJ stayed and talked to Nick. Well when I got to the end of the hall, I like totally break down crying, I have no clue what I am doing at this point. Nick walks up on me crying and I remind him that he is the one who pushed me away and now he had to suffer the consequences. After that I went back to the room with AJ. He could tell that I had been crying and asked me if I had used him to get back at Nick. I told him that I didn't know what I was doing. I told him that I was really having strong feelings for him, but every time I see Nick my feelings for him are still there also. Needless, to say both of them told me to make a choose between the two. The next day we came home and I went to AJ's as planned. We slept together one more time, with out protection, and then he started being really distant almost like he was pushing me away. Two days after I slept with AJ for the second time, Nick ask me to go to lunch with him, I agreed and we ended up back at his house...you guessed it, having sex, with out protection. Nick went on to tell me how sorry he was for how he treated me when he found out that I was pregnant and how he would never treat me that way again. Needless to say, I ended up choosing Nick. And a month later I am puking and pregnant."



Out of breath from everything I just said I give Elle the opportunity to speak. "That is insane! How are they handling not knowing which one is the daddy?"



"Well, AJ is handling it fine, he is ecstatic about it. He say's whether or not it is his or not, he is going to be there for the baby. Nick, well Nick acted Ok at first, but it isn't so good now. He barely looks at me, never touches me, we have had sex in more than a month. He told me that the though of touching me when I may be carrying another mans baby makes him sick." I reply as my eyes begin to water.



"Well, at least you have AJ. He can be your support." She replies.



However, I shake my head no "I can't trust myself around AJ"



"What do you mean?"



"Well, last week Nick and I got in a huge fight about him ignoring me and not caring about the baby, and I left and went to AJ's house. We ended up sleeping together again. He told me how much he still wanted me, and how much he wanted the baby to be his." I was silent for a second. "I felt so bad for sleeping with him, but at the same time, it felt really good to feel wanted. He said that he wanted to continue being with me, you know an affair and that Nick doesn't have to know about it. I just don't think I can be that person. I don't think I can be a cheater. But at the same time when I am in AJ's arms I feel like everything is going to be fine."



"WOAH!!!! Oh, my God! What are you going to do? Are you going to stay with Nick and keep sleeping with AJ, or leave Nick, or Stay with Nick and stop sleeping with AJ?"



"I want to stay with Nick; I really think that I am really truly in love with him, although I know that AJ loves me more than Nick does. The thing is avoiding AJ. It is hard to avoid him, and every time I find myself along with him, I really just want to fuck his brains out."



"Well, you've got yourself in some situation here. What are you going to do?"



"Well, hopefully this little break we have will give Nick the perspective that he wants and things will be better between us when he gets back. I think that if Nicks starts to be more affectionate towards me, I won't feel the need to run to AJ to feel loved."



"Let's hope so.....By the way, you want to hook me up with Howie. That man is a GOD!!"



We laugh as the mood lightens up a little. We basically spend the next three or four hours catching up. Then around 9 I give up to my pregnancy fatigue and head up to my room. After being there are few minutes the phone rings.



"Hello" I answer.



"Hello, Beautiful" AJ replied.



"Alex, why are you calling, you know you shouldn't be."



"Hey now girly give me a break, seeing you today at the airport had me so stressed and all day all I could think about was you and your beautiful ass."



"Alex!"



"No really, I am just calling to check up on you and make sure your friend made it in ok and that everything is ok with Pressley."



"Yes, Elle made it here fine, yes I am feeling fine, and yes the baby is ok."



"Alright, I will let you go...... I love you." He said seriously.



I remain silent for a second before responding "I love you too, Alex. Goodnight."



I hang the phone up and not 5 seconds later it rings again.



"Hello" I answer.



"Hey, it is me. I was just calling to tell you good night. To let you know that I am thinking about you, and that I love you." Nick said.



"Thanks for calling. I am good, everything is fine." I answer broadly, wanting him to ask about the baby.



"How ummm....how are you and ummmm....you know the baby doing?" he asked nervously.



"We are good Nick. Elle is here keeping me company and I am sure that she will be able to help me if something goes wrong."



"OK, well, I just wanted to check in. I love you, Dess. You know that right?"



"Yeah Nick, I know. I love you too. I will talk to you later."



"Alright, Night."



"Night."

The next morning I woke up re-energized and excited about spending some time with Elle. That is really what I thought I needed, some quality girl time. I wanted to go shopping. I hadn’t bought a single thing for the baby yet, and although we didn’t know what I was having, I wanted to order all of the furniture and stuff. I was kind of with AJ in hoping that it is a girl. Girls are so much fun to dress, and you get to put them in ballet and gymnastics. I always wanted to do those things as a child, but missed out on a lot of it because my mom couldn’t afford it and my dad wasn’t really in the picture.

I got out of bed and got dressed, wearing one of the few outfits that I have that still fits me. I am right at my second trimester now, so I should really start to show now. I think that I am starting to feel it move, but it may just be gas. I have a lot of that lately too. Anyways, after I get dressed I go downstairs to find Elle already up and dresses sitting on the couch watching TV.

“Hey girly” I say excitedly “How did you sleep?”

“Morning….I slept good. The bed is sooo soft. You look so cute.” She replies.

“Thanks, I hardly have any clothes that fit me anymore. I seriously need to go shopping.”

“So what are we waiting for?”

“My thoughts exactly…”

We excitedly get in the car and head to the mall. Once we get to the mall, it is full on spending. I looked at some clothes in the maternity store, but I honestly couldn’t see myself wearing the majority of the stuff in there.

“Can’t they just make cute maternity clothes? Everything in here is so ugly. And the things that actually have cutes prints, is like a muu muu…” I say as Elle and I laugh at a shirt that I pull off of the rack.

I end up buying clothes from the normal stores, I just got bigger sizes. I would be damned if I turned into the dumpy pregnant girl. While we were in Wet Seal, I got the shock of my life.

“Hey aren’t you Dessie Hutson, Nick Carter’s girlfriend?” a girl asked who was standing next to me. I smile nicely at her, but do not say one way or another if her assumption is right.

“You are huh? Is it true that you are pregnant?”

I look at her again and then look down at my stomach, “Do I look pregnant?” I ask as I look back over at her.

“No.”

“Well then I guess you have your answer.” I say still smiling but starting to get a little annoyed.

“Well last night on TMZ they said that you were pregnant, but you weren’t sure who the daddy was.”

At this point I am really starting to get mad. “Oh really and who do they say the daddy is?”

“Actually they said that it might be AJ’s. All the tabloids are saying that you and Nick were split up and you were living with AJ when you found out you were pregnant.”

That was a lie; I was not living with AJ when I found out that I was pregnant. I bite my tongue and tell the girl, “See that is exactly why people shouldn’t rely on the tabloids as there source of truth. If I am indeed pregnant, I did not get that way at AJ’s house.”

With that I turn and walk away. This is just great. How in the hell does the paparazzi find this stuff out. We have been extremely careful, not to let it get out that I may be carrying AJ’s baby. We haven’t even confirmed the rumors that I am pregnant. I feel myself starting to panic as I think about how bad this can be for the group. My chest gets tight and I suddenly feel really light headed. With in seconds everything went black.

When I woke up I was at the hospital. I shot straight up in the bed and immediately started freaking out. “Oh my God, not again. Please not again.” I scream as I start crying.

Suddenly Elle, AJ, and Nick come rushing into the room. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?” Nick asks as he walks up beside my bed. He has a sincere look of concern on his face.

“The baby, please tell me that I didn’t lose the baby.” I sobbed.

“No, you didn’t lose the baby.” He said as he reached down and gently rubbed her face. “The baby is fine.”

I started to calm down a little, but I could still tell that something was wrong. “Well, then what is wrong?”

AJ walked up to the other side of the bed and sat down next to her. “They aren’t sure yet, but something is going on with your heart, kidneys, and liver. They aren’t functioning right. They have been running test for the last three day’s”

“Three day’s? But I was just in the mall a few hours ago. I remember that little bitch talking about me not knowing who the daddy of the baby is?’

“That was three day’s ago Dess” Elle replied with a concerned look on her face.“When you passed out in the hospital you were unresponsive until the paramedics got there. You weren’t even breathing. I did CPR on you. The doctors say it is a miracle that they were able to revive you. They didn’t know if you were going to come out of the coma or not, and if you did they said that you would probably have brain damage.”

I sat there staring at all of them in shock. What had I done to make myself so sick? Did I cause it? What is something that I did?

“Ummmm. What do they think I have?” I finally managed to say.

“It is called HELLP. It is a severe form of eclampcia. You blood and bodily fluids are attacking your organs. Your blood pressure is really high and you have way to much protein in your urine.” Elle said.

“So, they can fix it right. I am going to get better?” I say as my eyes fill with tears again.

“The only way to make it go away is to take the baby.” She replied.

“NO!” I say sternly. “I am not going to lose this baby too. I am not. Does this hurt the baby?”

“No, it doesn’t, but it can kill you Dess.” Nick said as he stood up and folded his arms across his chest. “I am not going to let you kill yourself over a baby that isn’t even in this world yet.”

“Shut up, Nick. Do not start that with me. You just see this as another way out.” I say coldly to him. “You told me just the other day that you wished that I wasn’t pregnant.”

He looked down at me and said, “Look Dess. I love you. I love you very much, and I just can’t not see myself sitting here watching you die to save a baby that I don’t even know if it is mine. We can always get pregnant again. We can do it the right way.”

I stare at him and I see that there really is fear in his eyes. I look over at AJ to see what his reaction is. There are tears falling down his cheeks.

“AJ…please tell me that you don’t agree with him?” I plead. “Dess, I am sorry, but Nick is right. This can kill you. It is really dangerous. The doctor said that like 70% of the women who get HELLP die if they don’t terminate….You know how excited I was about the baby, but Dess, it really isn’t worth your life.”

“I can’t do it. I just can’t. It goes against everything I believe. God will take care of me. I am not going to die. I am going to get to meet my baby.”

Nick and AJ just stared off for a few minutes and then from out of nowhere Nick said, “Ok…. I am here then. I support you. Anything you need. We will get a nurse to move into the house and take care of you when I can’t be there, hell even when I am there. If you are going to beat this we have to get all of the best doctors.”

I look over at Nick and I finally feel that Nick actually meant it when he said that he supported me. “Thank you Nick. Knowing that I have your support is defiantly going to help me beat it.”

“I am here for you too, Dess.” AJ said as he held her hand. I smile at him, and then suddenly see his face light up.

I smile back at him “What is that smile for?”

“Do you wanna know what you are having?” he asked suddenly excited.

“How do you know?”

“They did an ultrasound on you when we first got here. They said that at 14 weeks the can sometimes tell what you are having. When they asked if we wanted to know, I said yes.”

“Really….what is it?”

“It’s a girl!!!” he said grinning from ear to ear. I return the smile. I look over at Nick who also has a smile on his face. He wasn't as excited as AJ but you tell that he was happy.

So, I had to stay in the hospital for a week. It was confirmed that I had HELLP. I had to have weekly dialysis done for my kidneys and liver, and I also had to be put on blood pressure medication. The doctors also started me on a steroid to help develop Presley’s lungs. They were going to take her by c-section at 28 weeks. The doctors said that after 28 weeks she had a better chance of surviving out of me than in me, and that around that time is when I would start having seizures because of the HELLP. Nick did as he said and hired a Home Health Nurse to stay with us.

Nick and AJ had to return to work a week after I got out of the hospital and Elle had to go back to the Navy.I tried my best to take it easy and not cause any unneeded stress. I had some really bad day’s, but there were also day’s when I felt fine. I woke up one Tuesday morning excited about the day. It was Valentine’s day. Nick returned home the day before and said that he had big plans for the day. So of course that made me really excited. I get up and stare at my belly in the mirror. It was defiantly big.

I was now 24 weeks pregnant and only had 4 more weeks before Presley would be here. I walked into the bathroom and was surprised to find Nick sitting on the toilet running water into the tub. He had rose petals all in the water. He smiled up at me when he noticed that I was there. He stood up and wrapped his arms around me. We still hadn’t been intimate again, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to. I look at him and I can see that maybe he also wants to. He pulls me into him and he kisses me deeply the kind of kiss that he used to give to me. He starts to take my clothes off. I take a deep breath and hold it as I enjoy the small kisses he is planting on me as he disgaurds each piece to the floor. Once he has me totally naked. He places his hands on my stomach and looks at me dead in the eye.

“Your tummy is beautiful. I never thought a pregnant stomach could be so sexy.”

I laugh as he kisses me again.

“Today, I am going to treat you like a queen. I am going to treat you, like I should have been treating you all along.”

I nod my head ok as he instructs me to get into the tub. I get in and then Nick sis in behind me. I lean my body up against him as he rubs my shoulders “Umm that feels good baby.”

HE gets out after a few minutes and tells me to come downstairs when I am finished. I finish my bath and put some clothes on. As I am walking down the stairs I smell coffee, and I am pretty sure that I smell pancakes. I love pancakes. As I round the corner into the I see Nick putting the finishing touches on what appeared to be pancakes with fruit topping. He asked me to sit down and he places my plate in front of me. It was so good. They were my favorite, buttermilk pancakes with apple cinnamon topping. The rest of the day went the same way. Perfect. Finally it was the evening and we were going out for dinner. I dressed as sexy as I could being six months pregnant. Nick seemed to be pleased. We took a limo to Dreas, one of Nick’s favorite restaurants. It is on North Reddington Beach, not far from Tampa. Nick even pulled my chair out for me. As we sat there at dinner, I could tell that Nick was nervous about something, although I figured he was just trying really hard to be nice to me on Valentines.

After we had out entrees Nick had out desserts delivered. I got the shock of my life as opened the dish. There was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

“Nick… what….” I started to say as he got up and walked to my side of the table and got down on one knee.

“Desiree Hutson, in the 10 months that I have known you, you have completely changed my life. You are single handedly responsible for me growing up and finally becoming a man. I want to marry you. I want to marry you before the baby gets here, so that one way or another that baby is still mine. Even if it is AJ’s, I can still be the daddy. I don’t want you to think that I feel that I have to marry you, and I don’t want you to think that I am waiting to see if Presley is mine. It doesn’t matter. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Tears are flowing down my checks at this point. I can not control the emotions.

“Yes!” I manage to choke out. “I would be honored to marry you.”

Ok so the one thing I have failed to mention lately is that I have continued to sleep with AJ through out my pregnancy. I just can’t control myself. Nick never seemed interested in me while I was pregnant, and AJ, well he was even more interested in me than he was before I was pregnant. Another thing is, I really love AJ too. We have become so close during the pregnancy. In way’s I feel more of a connection to him than I do to Nick. Don’t get me wrong, I love Nick so much, but AJ really loves me. But I guess Nick really loves me too, or else he wouldn’t have asked me to marry him right?


After dinner we went back to Nick’s house. He continued to smoother me with affection. Carrying me up the stairs, he lays me down on the bed after sliding my dress off of me. He kisses up my legs and pulls my panties off. He plants small kisses all over my stomach. He reaches behind to unclasp my bra. He then gently massages my breast as he leans down and kisses me passionately. I had really missed his touch. As he kissed my neck and down my collarbone, I close my eyes and picture just how perfect we must look right now. He pulls away and stares down at me.


“I have missed you so much. I have missed being with you. I have missed being in you.”


“I’ve been here the whole time, Nick.” I state almost in a whisper.


“I know baby, I was being stupid. I am so sorry… I am hearing now though.”


“Good, cause I really want you.” I said as I prop myself up on my elbows so that I can kiss him.


“Is it ok? I mean I won’t hurt you, right?”


“No you won’t hurt me.” I reply as he leans and kisses me again. He then proceeds to spread my legs. Not knowing that I have been sleeping with AJ almost regularly he proceeds to slowly insert a finger into my wetness. I moan slightly at his touch. He then adds a second finger, and then a third. By this time I am so turned on, I think I may cum just from his touch. “Now Nick, I want you in me now.”


He obeys my pleas and slowly enters me. I let out an intense moan. He moves very slowly at first. Actually I have to force to speed up. HE was afraid of hurting me. Once he finally picked up the pace, it was like he forgot I was pregnant. As he thrust himself deep in me, I dig my nails deep into his back. It was like the first time we made love. It was so hot. I felt my release coming as he deeply thrust himself in me. It wasn’t long after I came that Nick did. Our pace slowed and then diminished. HE leaned over and sweetly kissed me on the nose.


While we were laying there Nick looked over at me with a serious face. “I have to come clean about something. I can not go into a marriage with you, holding any secrets.”


“Ok” I say. “Tell me.”


“I am warning you now; you are not going to like it. You are probably going to be very pissed, but I have to tell you.”


I just stare at him, now afraid to hear what he has to say. He takes a deep breath and begins to speak. “I cheated on you.”


I am still staring at him. I am mad, of course I am mad, but I have been cheating on him for five months now. “With who?”


“I don’t know. Different girls. It was at the beginning of your pregnancy before you got sick. When you got sick, I realized how stupid I was being. I thought I was going to loose you. It suddenly hit me how important you were to me, and that I was betraying you.”


“So, it was more than once?”


“Yeah, it was like 10 or 15 times. I don’t know really.”


“10 or 15 different girls?”


“Yeah.”


Now I was mad. I may have been cheating on him with AJ, but that is just one person. He just admitted to sleeping with 10 or 15 different girls since we have been together. My eyes feel with tears. I turn my head away because I don’t want him to see me crying. He reaches over to touch me, but I jerk away.


“No, don’t touch me Nick…” I stand up out of the bed. “10 or 15 girls Nick? You just had sex with me, and you didn’t even use a condom. I am really sick. You know that I can’t get anything or I will die, and you just had sex with me. You should have just left it like it was; I was fine not having sex with you while I was pregnant. I was getting what I needed.”


Nicks head shot up, like he had realized that I cheated on him too. “What do you mean? You cheated on me too? How could you be mad at me, if you cheated too….Who is it?”


I stared at him for a few seconds before shaking my head no... “I didn’t cheat on you Nick.” I lie, “I was referring to masturbation.”


“Oh….”


I see the look of disappointment on his face. It was almost like he was hoping that I had cheated on him, like it would make him feel less guilty. “I’ve got to get out of here.” I say as I grab clothes out of the dresser and put them on.


“Where are you going to go?”


“To my best friend...” I reply. I was referring to AJ. He was my best friend. He would know what I should do here.


“Why do you always run to AJ?” he asked knowing who I was talking about.


“Because he really loves me, Nick. He really wants me to be happy, even if that means being with you. He always makes me feel loved. Something you need to learn how to do.” I say as I turn and walk out of the room. He called out for me to come back, but I just kept walking.


The next thing I really recall is knocking on AJ door. It took a few minutes, but he finally answered the door. “Dess. What are you doing here? It is almost midnight.” He said rubbing his face.


“I need you AJ.” I said as I started to cry. I was hysterically crying actually. It was uncontrollable.


“Come in, baby. What is wrong?” He asked as he pulled me into a hug.


“Nick, he cheated on me.”


AJ let me go and stared at me. “And you are mad at him? You know how much I love you Dess, but can you really be mad at him for cheating on you. We have been sleeping together for months now.”


“I know. At first I wasn’t mad. I was just kind of disappointed, but AJ he slept with like 15 different girls in my first trimester.”


AJ looked at me for a second and then looked away. He was hiding something. I could see right through him. “Why are you looking away?”


“I knew he was cheating on you.” He said still not looking at me.


“You knew?” I said shaking my head no. “What do you mean you knew?”


“Well, when we first left, I remember seeing him bring a few girls back to the room with him, after going out, and then when you got put in the hospital. He totally freaked out because he thought you were going to die. He just spilled his guts to me. I almost told him about us, but I didn’t because I was holding on to the hope that you would get better and you would choose me on your own.”


“You’ve gotta to be shitting me?” AJ and I turn and see Nick standing in the doorway.


“The whole time? You have been fucking AJ the whole time, Dess?”


I stand there at a loss for words. “I umm… I .”


“And AJ, you how could you. You know how much I love her.”


“Really man? Because I don’t see it…I watched you bring those girls back to your room, when you were supposedly so in love with Dess. Yo cheated on her over and over again and only once you thought you might loose her, did you stop….I love her Nick. I love her way more than you could even comprehend, and she loves me too.”


Nick and AJ both look at me at the same time. IT was like they both wanted me to answer. I didn’t say a word, I just stood there.


“Really, you think so AJ, then why is she marrying me?” Nick said with his eat shit expression on his face.


AJ whipped his head back at me and then down to my hand. “Dess, you said you would marry him? Please tell me that you aren’t going to marry Nick.”


My eyes feel with tears as I shake my head, “I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. Nick I love you so much. I really do, but 15 girls. How can I forgive that? And AJ, you know how much I care about you; you know that I really do love you, but ……” I can’t take it anymore and I rush out of the house. I get in the car and drive. I drive all night long. I don’t know where I am going, I didn’t really care. I drove until my car ran out of gas. I had left in such a hurry that I didn’t even have my purse. I sat on the side of the road for a little while longer before picking up my cell phone.


“Dessie, is that you? Where are you? I am terrified?”


“AJ, will you come get me?”


“Where are you?”


“I’m not sure. I am by some big bridge that say’s the Sun Shine Bridge.”


“I am on my way.”


AJ was there about an hour later. He pulled me into a hug as I sob in his arms. “AJ, I love you. I want to be with you. I have made up my mind; it is you that I am supposed to be with you. I know it now.”


He kissed me passionately. He pulled me in for another hug. “Come on baby lets go.”


We get into the car and AJ stares at me as he pulls back onto the road. “AJ!!! Watch out!!!”

I vaguely remember the sirens. AJ and I both are trapped in the car. I can still see AJ in my head. His body was lifeless. I reached for him, but I couldn't get to him. I can remember screaming his name. Then there is nothing. I can't remember a thing after that. I am trying to grab something, anything to let me know that he is ok, but there is nothing there.



***Hospital***



"Mr. Carter..." the doctor said as he walked up to Nick.



Nick jumped up from the seat to shake the doctor's hand. "How is she? How is the baby?"



"I am terribly sorry, but it doesn't look very good right now. She is in a coma, and we have her on life support due to the injuries to her internal organs. Both of her lungs are collapsed, she has several broken ribs, both of her legs are also broken, along with her pelvis."



"What about the baby? Is the baby ok?"



"The baby is hanging on right now, it was touch and go earlier. The baby's heart rate was erratic, but it seems we have got it under control. We may have to take the baby earlier than expected."



"Wait you can't, she is only 24 weeks; the baby can't live at 24 weeks."



"It can live at 24 weeks, it has been done before."



"No, you can't take it yet. Dess would want it to stay in here as long as possible. She wants to give it as much time as she can grow."



"Look as long as Desiree is stable, we can leave the baby in utero, but if she gets worse, we will have to take the baby or it will die."



Nick nodded his head ok. This had been the worst day of his life. His best friend is dead, and his fiancé is in a coma fighting for her life. How did things end up this way? A year ago, things were finally starting to look up, and now...now things couldn't get much worse.



AJ died in route to the hospital. He had massive internal injuries. The doctors said that he probably didn't feel any pain. Nick was just so confused. He couldn't understand why I called AJ instead of him. Actually I would never tell him why I called AJ.



I was in a coma for three and a half weeks. I will never forget the day I woke up. It was such an intense day. I had never in my life she Nick look so exhausted. He looked like he hadn't slept in days.



"Nick." I manage to say. My throat hurt so badly.



"Oh my Dess, you are awake... Nurse...Nurse..." he said running out of the room. "She is awake." He ran back into the room. "Oh Dess, you woke up. I can't believe you woke up."



I just stare at him so confused. "What happened?"



Nick stared at me for a few seconds. I am guessing he was trying to figure out how to tell me the most devastating news of my life. "You and AJ were in a car accident. You were severely injured. You have been in a coma for more than three weeks. They really didn't think you would make it. You have been on life support, to keep the baby alive..."I reached down and touched my stomach. "She is fine. She is strong." He said as I close my eyes thankful.



"AJ... how is AJ?" I ask remembering the accident a little. The look on Nicks face said it all. He didn't even have to say it. "No Nick, no please. Please Nick; tell me that he is ok."



"I am so sorry Dess, but he is gone. He died on the way to the hospital. His injuries were just too severe."



"No...no..." I begin crying. Nick wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.



"I am so sorry, baby."



I couldn't believe it. AJ was dead. It was my fault. If I hadn't called him to come get me, or if I hadn't told him that I wanted to be with him, he would be alive. I bury my face into Nick's chest. "It's my fault, if I hadn't called him to come get me..."



"No! It is my fault. I shouldn't have cheated on you, if I hadn't have cheated on you, if I had just been there for you, you wouldn't have needed AJ. It is my fault that all of this happened."



I sob harder into his chest. "How could this happen, how could things be so messed up. I just don't get it. It isn't fair."



"I know baby, I know, but you have to calm down. You need to keep it together for Presley." He replied as he held me in his arms.



I realize that he is right and I try to calm myself down. It takes a few minutes, but I am finally able to stop crying. "How did it happen?" I ask referring about the accident.



"The police said that it looks like the 18 wheeler moved over into the right lane just as AJ was pulling back onto the road. You guys were trapped in the car for about an hour."



"How is the guy who was driving the 18 wheeler?"



"As far I know he is fine." He answered shrugging his shoulders like he was unsure.



We both sat there in silence for a few minutes. So many questions were running through my head, I didn't even know where to begin with asking them. It was just so surreal. The next thing I knew, the doctor was coming to see me.



"Miss Mizell, I see you have woken up. I must admit, I didn't think you were going to pull through."



"Am I going to be OK?" I asked.



"Well, I wouldn't say that you are out of the woods yet. While your were in the coma your HELLP got progressively worse. Your kidneys are barely functioning, and your blood pressure has been through the roof. I suggest that we get the baby out as soon as possible."



"How far along am I know?" I asked forgetting the date.



"You are almost 28 weeks."



"I want to wait, then. Please just get it a couple more days. Everyday she can stay is better for her."



The doctor nodded his head in agreement. "OK, we can do that. We will schedule the surgery for next Tuesday. It is Thursday, so that will give her another 5 days."



"Thank you." I say wiping tears from my face.



"Yes Doctor, that you very much." Said Nick as he shuck the doctors hand.



After the doctor left, Nick sat down next to me. I feel his stare. I had my eyes closed trying to comprehend everything that had happened. "Why are you staring at me?" I ask with my eyes still clothes.



"I'm just so happy that I got you back...Dess?"



I open my eyes and look over at him, "Yes."



"Marry me..."



"Nick... I just don't..."



"Dess, look we don't know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know that I want you to be Mrs. Carter. I don't want to wait another day. Please Dessie, just marry me."



I stare at him for a few more seconds and then nod my head ok "Ok, Nick, I will marry you."



"Thank you, thank you so much. I am going to go get a minister right now."



"Don't we need a marriage license?"



"I am going to get it too. I will have it faxed over here so that you can sign it. I will be back." He said kissing me before turning around and headed out of the door.



A few hours later Nick was back with our marriage license and a minister to marry us.

The ceremony wasn't anything extravagant. Nick and I said traditional vows and Howie and Brian were there to witness. Nick gave me a dozen flowers and a beautiful wedding band, along with a new ring. I hadn't even noticed that me original one was gone. It had to be cut off after the accident.



So that was it, I was married. I was now Mrs. Nick Carter, or Desiree Carter. Strangely I did feel content about it. Even though I had made up my mind before the accident that I was going to leave Nick and be with AJ. Things changed though. Presley had to have a father, and this way even if she is AJ's, she will have a daddy.



***Tuesday Morning***



The day was finally here; today I am going to have Presley. I have to be honest, I was terrified. I just felt like something horrible was going to happy. All I could do was pray that she would be ok. We had already instructed the doctors to get a DNA test done on her so that we could know right away if she was Nicks or not. Not that it really mattered anymore, but if she was AJ's we wanted her to know.



Nick is going into surgery with me. I am going to get to stay awake, so that I can see her as soon as she is born. I may not be able to see her for a few days after that. We have already been told that she will be taking to the NICU immediately. At 28 weeks gestation, she will still be really small and really weak. They warned us that her lungs may not work and her skin may be really translucent and sensitive.



So, the time came for surgery and I am wheeled down the hall and into the OR. A few minutes later Nick comes in a sits down next to my head. He leans over and kisses me softly. "I love you Dessie. This is it...she is going to be here in just a few minutes."



I am given my spinal and the doctor's prep. A few minutes later once the spinal took full affect the doctors inform me that they are about to begin. The next few minutes seemed to go on forever. Every thought imaginable went through me head, what would she look like, would see have any hair, will she live, and that is when I heard the most beautiful sound in the world. She was crying. I look over at Nick who has tears running down her checks. She is immediately brought over to a small table were they stick tubes down her throat her cry is getting louder. I just wanted to see her so bad. Nick gets up and walks toward her. I see him look back over at me and smile. At that moment I knew that she was going to make I knew that she was going to be a fighter.



A few minutes later a nurse brings her over to me so that I can look at her. I kiss her on the head and say "Hello, Presley, I am your mommy. I love you." I close my eyes and lay my head back down. I can hear a lot of commotion around me, as I feel myself drifting away. Suddenly it is like I am not in my body anymore. I literally am not. I can see everyone in the room. I see them trying to revive me. I see Nick, fighting to get next to me.



"Help her..." he screams as they push him out of the room.



The doctors really tried to bring me back, but it didn't matter, I knew that it was my time. I knew that I had served my purpose. Presley was the reason I was put on earth. To give her life.

So you are probably figured out that I died. My heart had finally given up. It just couldn't take any more stress. And I bet that you want to know what happened to Nick and Presley. Well I am going to tell you.



After learning that they were not able to revive me, Nick really broke down. I remember watching him fall to his knees crying. I wanted so badly to be there to hold him. Look at every thing he had been through. In the last year, he had lost a baby, a best friend and his wife. How does someone recover from that? Easy a baby girl.



My baby girl was a fighter. She got stronger and stronger with each day. When she was two weeks old the DNA test came back and she proved to be AJ baby. Nick felt let down once again. He thought that he was going to lose the last thing he had left to live for. However, after Nick and I go married I had a will drawn up. I am not sure why, but deep inside me, I knew that my life was going to be cut short. I wanted to make sure that Presley was safe and happy, so in my will I felt full parental rights to Nick.



Nick named our little girl Presley Alexander. That was the one request I made in the will if she turned out to be AJ little girl. When Presley was two months old Nick was allowed to bring her home from the hospital. Nick talked to her about me and AJ everyday. He told her about how much I loved her, and how much I wanted her to live. HE told her everyday that I fought for her to live.



As the years pass by I look down on them all the time. Nick and Presley give each other so much strength. He is such a great father. I must admit, I had my doubts, but he turned out to be a much better man than I expected.





"Daddy?" asked Presley as she sat down in his lap.



"Yes, Pressie?" Nick responded hugging her.



"I want to tell you something really important." He said looking at him seriously.



"What is it sweetheart?"



"Mommy said to tell you, that you are doing a good job, and that she is proud of the man that you have become."



Nick looked at Presley and his eyes filled with tears. "Really, you talk to your mommy?" he asked thinking that she had been dreaming or imagining it. He did think it was sweet though.



"Yes, she talks to me in my sleep all the time. She whispers in my ear. She say's that she watches us all the time, and that she is very happy."



Nick wrapped his arms around Presley tight. "I hope she is happy. If anybody deserves to be happy it is your mommy."





THE END