…So, Leighanne, Baylee, and I went to the mall today. We planned on doing some last minute Christmas shopping. After an hour, of roaming the mall, we bumped into Nick. Leighanne said she was going to look at shoes…go figure. I watched her take a hold of Baylee’s hand, and walk away. Okay…does that, typically, mean that she is going to watch him? I thought it did, so I went into Game Stop with Nick.

After a half hour, Nick and I headed to find Leighanne and Baylee, so that we could all get something to eat. We stroll into a store and find Leighanne trying on shoes, but I didn’t see Bay. I asked her where he was and she said that she thought I was watching him! This terribly confused me!

Nick and I rushed out of the store and began the search for him. I didn’t see any mall security anywhere and I, definitely, couldn’t hear him crying or anything. Both of us were panicked, BIG time! Suddenly, I heard someone shouting my name. Spinning around, I saw a 20-something woman walking our way. Holding onto her finger was my son! It turns out that she was a fan and recognized him, immediately. She was trying to find security, when she spotted us.

Thank goodness for a caring fan! Baylee wasn’t even crying! So…I asked her to join us, for lunch. At first, she refused but I gave her my goofy grin…oh yeah, I can still make ‘em melt! At any rate, I finally convinced her that buying her lunch was the least I could do. We tracked down my wife and all went to eat.

Guess what…

NICK’S GOT A DATE!!! They really hit it off and he asked her to see a movie tomorrow night. She was hesitant, at first, but that Carter smirk…I tell ya, it’s as deadly as my goofy grin! Poor girl didn’t stand a chance!

So, all in all, Baylee is just fine and Nick scored a date. Sure, the whole thing scared me out of my mind, but it all turned out okay. Baylee is NEVER going shoe shopping, with his mom again, I can tell you that much!

“My mother lost me…shoe shopping?!?!?! That’s depressing!” I shook my head, closing the journal, with a chuckle. I gently set it on the night table, before pulling off my shirt. I finished getting ready for bed. It was late and it had been a long day.

Being a brat really takes a lot out of a guy! I hated to admit it, but Morgan was right, about everything. Is it me, or is she one of those abnormally mature people? I mean, I know she’s super smart, and everything, but…I dunno…she seems so much more level headed than me and Sean. Maybe it’s just a chick thing.

After a restless night’s sleep, I awoke to a knock on the door. I groaned loudly. It was Sunday and I wanted to sleep in. Reluctantly, I rolled out of bed and swung open the door.

“Guess what?!?” Mason rushed, into my room.

“What, Mase?”

“Nick talked to my dad, yesterday!” He was absolutely beaming. I knew there was more to the story, but wasn’t sure if I was going to be as excited about it, as he was.

“Yeah? And?”

“You know that Spring Break is coming soon…”

“Uhuh…” I sat down, on the edge of my bed. Looking up at him, I waved for him to continue.

“Nick also talked to my Grandma.” I raised an eyebrow, watching him clap his hands. This must be something big. “Nick is going to start going to dad’s counseling sessions and stuff…”

“Where are you going with this, Mason, and are you planning to get there anytime today?” I was starting to get anxious. Even my little cousin can build the suspense, I guess.

“Well, we’re going to keep up with our visits, too. Then…guess what?!?!”

“Not a clue.”

“Nick is taking you, me and my dad all out, to spend Spring Break on, the Littrell family farm!!! The whole family helps to keep it running and, now, we’ll get to help, too!” He was practically squealing!

“WHAT?!?!?” I jumped to my feet, looking him dead in the eyes. All I could picture was myself, in overalls and missing a front tooth! I don’t want to chase chickens and milk cows…just…eew!

“Yeah! They think it will be great for dad. The counselor lady says that it’s still too soon for dad to go back to his normal responsibilities, or whatever, but this will allow him to be around family and it will help him with his rehabilitation!” He jumped around, spitting out a word that, I’m not sure he even understood. Honestly, I was not really pleased, over this.

“NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!” I screamed, barreling past Mason. Like Mason said, staying on the family farm meant helping with the family farm. I didn’t want to spend my Spring Break in a corn field!

“I take it, Mason went up there and told you everything, even after I told him not to?” Nick lifted his eyes, from the newspaper, as I came rushing into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to spend break, on the farm! Wasn’t I going to get a say, in this?”

“Sit. I’ll explain…”

Okay, so a long story, short. The people, at the rehab center, think it would help Kevin to have time around family. The family’s support is supposed to help him, with his recovery. From what Nick said, when they found out about the family’s farm, they decided that it would be a great place for him to “get away” from the normal pressures of life…or whatever. Basically, I have no choice. Dig out the blue jean overalls, and look out cows, ‘cuz here I come! Yippy…freakin’…skippy!

Thank the heavens; I have about a month, before this happens. Maybe if I complain enough…then again, I know what everyone (mainly Morgan) is going to say, “Stop being selfish, Baylee. This is to help Kevin with his sobriety.” Blah, blah, stinkin’ blah!

I was supposed to be grounded, but Nick made an exception later that night, and took us out for karaoke and pizza. It was a school night, and we couldn’t stay out too late, but it would get my mind off the whole farm thing. AJ, Mason, Sean, Morgan, Nick and I all filed into the building. Finding a booth, in the back, we all sat and ordered our food. It didn’t take long for Nick, and AJ, to get up and sing a song. The song was almost over, but our laughter wasn’t.

“Who let the dogs out?” Nick sang loudly, as the song.

“WOOF!...WOOF! WOOF!...WOOF! WOOF!” AJ barked, into the microphone. The four, of us kids, were in tears from laughing so hard.

“Who let the dogs out?” Nick was enjoying this song, a little, too much!

“WOOF!...WOOF! WOOF!...WOOF! WOOF!” AJ was leaning over our table, and we barked along with him. The ending notes trailed off, and they rejoined the table. We, quickly, ate our food. Now, it was my turn. Grabbing Sean’s arm, I dragged him to the stage. I cleared my throat, and prepared to sing. I snickered, as I heard the opening notes. Time to be ridiculously, over dramatic!

“O baby, baby!”

“How was I supposed to know?” Sean dramatically sang the words, to the crowd.

“O baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you gooooo!”

“Show me,” we chimed together, both terribly off key, “how you want it tooooo beeee.”

“Tell me babyyyy,” Sean fought to hold back his laughter. “ ‘cuz I need to knoooow now…”

“…what we’ve got!” I shook my shoulders, just like the singer…what was her name? It doesn’t matter. Anyways, we barely made it through the song. I just about lost it, when Nick shot Pepsi, out his nose!

Mason ended up singing the guy’s song, ‘Just Want You to Know’ and completely nailed it! Now, Morgan was approaching the stage. Our food was gone, and once she was done, we would be heading home. I must admit, I was in a MUCH better mood.

“I kissed a girl, and I liked it!” My jaw dropped, as Morgan belted out the song. AJ, just about, choked on his iced tea and started coughing. “The taste of her cherry Chapstick!”

“I had no idea!” Sean whispered, with a chuckle.

“I kissed a girl, just to try it!” She shimmied around, making those girly innocent looks. “I hope my boy…friend don’t mind it!” Slinking her shoulders around, she touched a finger, to her lips. “It felt so wrong…it felt so right…it don’t mean…I’m in…love to…night.”

“Me, either,” I finally responded, to Sean’s comment. I was stunned, to say the least, at how much she got into it! I mean, obviously, she know the song and…liked it…okay, I’m creeped out! After the song ended, we all stood. Morgan walked up to us, and we headed out to the cars.

I looked at Morgan funny, as we climbed into the back. I still hadn’t told her and Sean about the spring break trip, to the farm. I knew Sean would be out to visit his mom that week, but, Morgan…well…she would probably spend her break reading, now. Everyone else was still pretty hyper, but my mind had drifted off.

I was happy to get back home and crawl into bed. Once I was there, I buried my head into my pillow and waited for sleep to come.

December 16, 2005

Dear Journal –

Christmas is getting closer! I think I am more excited than Baylee is! Baylee and I are meeting up with Nick, in the morning, to do some more shopping. I need to get something nice for Leighanne, but I’m not sure what it will be. All of Baylee’s gifts are wrapped and hidden, already. I am so excited…I just can’t wait to watch my little man open his gifts!

Oh, remember how I was talking about the fan that found Baylee? Well, Nick did take her out, that night and they’ve been out every night since! I do declare, I think Nicky might have himself a girlfriend. Okay…let me see if I can remember her name…

Uh-oh…I’m being called…I better go.

-Brian

I set the journal down on the bed, beside me. Sighing, I rubbed my hands over my face, letting my fingers run through my hair and link behind my head. My eyes wandered around the room. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading my dad’s journal, but, it’s kind of depressing, too. I miss my family so much! Not that Nick, Kevin, Mason and everyone aren’t my family…it’s just that…well…you know what I mean.

It took me forever to get to sleep, and, before I knew it, my alarm was screeching. I slapped at it, without opening my eyes, trying to find the snooze button. Covering my head with my biggest pillow, only trying, to block out what I knew had to come. Maybe I dozed back off, or maybe I just zoned out, but I jumped at a loud know on my door. Before I could answer, the door flung open.

“Go away, Morgan.” I groaned, not bothering to open my eyes, or roll over.

“Yeah, wrong friend, Bay.”

“Sean?” I sat up, turning and looking over at him. “What are you doing here? You know if Morgan sees you here, she’ll make you go on the morning run, with us.”

“I don’t have anything to worry about, because I don’t think she’ll be coming.” Sean cleared his throat. Now, I knew something was up.

“What?!?” I bolted, from my covers, sitting up and scrunching my eyebrows. “What do you mean she’s not coming? She never misses our run!”

“Well…You know Matt, right?”

“Yeah…the sax player, in band.” I nodded, anxiously. Standing, I headed to my closet. Rummaging around, I grabbed a pair of baggy khakis, my dad’s old Buccaneers jersey…from a game that he and Nick went to…and a sweatshirt.

“He’s a trombone player,” Sean rolled his eyes. “Anyways, he lives in the same building as Morgan and he called me this morning. He told me, that there were paramedics, in Morgan’s apartment, really late, last night.”

“Parame…are you kidding me?!?” I finished pulling the jersey over my head. Sean just shook his head, verifying that he was not joking. “Come on.” I grabbed my phone and flipped off the light, heading downstairs. Sean followed closely, as I made my way into the kitchen. Sure enough, Mason and Nick were at the table, eating.

“Morning, boys,” Nick greeted, with a lopsided grin, milk trailing down his chin.

“Nick, I gotta skip school. Matt called Sean, and told him that paramedics were in Morgan’s apartment last night! We have to go to the hospital and find out what happened.” I rushed through the explanation, hoping Nick would understand. I knew I was supposed to be grounded, but didn’t this qualify as an emergency?

“How about you call? They might be home, by now.” Nick suggested, tilting his head, and getting up. He left to get ready for a meeting and Mason was close behind, so he could prepare for school. Maybe Nick was right. I flipped open my phone and hit the speed dial.

“Gooooood Mooooorniiiiing!” I jumped, at the voice, dropping my phone and spinning around.

“Morgan?!?” Sean and I both questioned, scrambling to the foyer. Sure enough, there she was, with light rain coat, draped over her shoulders.

“Hey guys!” She was chipper, yet kind of spacey looking. My eyes stayed glued, to her, watching her drop her backpack.

“What happened?!?” Sean asked, impatiently. I tried to hide my smile, as I saw the look on his face. Have I ever mentioned that Sean has the BIGGEST crush, on Morgan? He told me about it, years ago, but I can tell that it still exists. I don’t think Morgan has a clue…I’ve never brought it up, obviously.

“What are you talking about?” She just smiled, as she shrugged off the coat. She turned, to her right, and hung up the coat. When she turned back, we got our answer.

“What did you do?!?” My eyes widened, taking in the cast, on her right arm.

“Nothing major…I just broke my arm, is all,” she shrugged, as if it were no big deal. I knew that she must be on some good painkiller because she doesn’t tolerate pain very well. I’ve watched her cry over smaller injuries, than this.

“How?” Sean questioned, as we all headed into the kitchen. I began to rummage around in the kitchen drawer, as she explained her accident.

“I was climbing up, on a chair, to get mom’s crock pot down, for her. She’s making her famous pot roast, for tonight. I was told you are both invited! Anyways…I was trying to get it down, but the cord got stuck. I didn’t realize it was caught, so I went to get down and the cord stopped me. I lost my footing and fell.” She dazedly stared off, in front of her.

“You are always getting yourself hurt, Morgan. Isn’t this the third cast, of yours, that I’ve had to sign?” I asked, lifting a brow. I sat down, next to her, a red Sharpie marker in hand. I neatly wrote a little note, signing below it, and started to doodle on the pink cast. Just like the other times, I would end up doodling on it every day, until she got it removed.

“I want to sign too!” Sean piped up, giving me a look.

“There’s a blue one, in the drawer,” I responded, not looking up from the cast. “So…exactly how did your arm get broken, though? You said you fell but…”

“Oh…right…I landed on it. I probably would have been okay, but the chair broke my fall…and my arm. Luckily, the crock pot was okay.” She let out a small giggle.

“You scream?” I already knew the answer, but couldn’t resist asking. Morgan laughed at me and hit my arm, with her other hand.

“Of course, I did. I wailed, like a little baby.”

“Why didn’t you call us? I heard about the paramedics, from Matt! He called me this morning, to tell me about it. I was worried!” Sean sat across from us, and quickly jotted his name, on the cast.

“I didn’t think you guys would hear about it, before I saw you this morning. Sorry.” She looked down at the cast that ran, from her upper arm, down to her hand.

“It’s okay. We’re just happy it wasn’t anything more serious.” I smiled at her. Getting up from the table, I capped the marker and shoved it into my pocket…I would need it again later, when I was bored in class. “I gotta go grab my backpack. I’ll be right down.” I quickly made my way up the stairs and into my room. After grabbing me bag, I poked my head into Mason’s room.

“See ya, Mase. Have a good day.” I smiled, at my younger cousin, who was desperately combing his hair down.

“Bye, Bay!” I closed his door and headed downstairs. Picking up Morgan’s bag, I reentered the kitchen.

“You guys ready?”

“Yeah,” the both answered, getting up. Morgan walked towards me, and tried to take her bag…not like I let her.

“I got it. You’re injured.” I gave her a cheesy smile, as Sean draped the coat, back, over her shoulders. I slung Morgan’s bag over my shoulder and carried mine by the top handle. Sean closed the door, behind us, and we set off to school.

“Morgan Smith, please come to the office. Morgan Smith, to the office!” I looked up, at Morgan, raising an eyebrow. We were in the middle of 3rd hour, homeroom, and I had been sketching on her cast, while she rambled on about our upcoming Government essay.

“Someone’s in trouuuuuubleee!” I snickered, quietly, as she stood and gathered her books. “Hey, leave those and I’ll grab them, after class.” I smiled. Sean and I had been helping her, all morning, with her things, since she couldn’t really carry them with a broken arm.

“Thanks, Bay,” she grinned back, before grabbing, just, her notebook and heading out the door. After the bell rang, I stopped at her locker and dialed her combination, before setting her books inside. I snatched her Algebra book, as Sean approached me. Normally, the three of us had Algebra together, but Morgan wasn’t out of the office, yet.

“So, do you know what she’s in for?” Sean asked, as we carried our lunch trays, to our table. Algebra passed by agonizingly slow and I was thankful when the lunch bell rang.

“Not a clue.” I sighed, as we sat down. I bit into my pizza, listening to Sean ramble. Okay, I wasn’t really listening, but I was good at faking it.

“Hey,” Morgan huffed, sitting down by me.

“Morgan!” Sean smiled widely. I couldn’t help it, at this point; I just let it all out. Maybe my timing wasn’t good, but this was when I told them everything about the big trip, to the farm, for spring break. Explaining the situation, and reasons behind is, irritated me all over again. Sean just snickered, no doubt, at the idea of me on a farm. Morgan’s eyes popped out of their sockets. I was ready for her ‘it’s the right thing to do’ lecture.

“WHAT?!?! Are you serious? He can’t do that! That is the most absurd, preposterous thing I have ever heard! How can he be that inequitable? It’s a completely demented thing, to force something that doltish on you! What is he thinking? Just because he has legal guardianship, doesn’t mean he can be so atrocious, just handing out unconscionable demands! Why do adults think they can be so prodigious, like we don’t even get a say in our own lives! It’s ludicrous and…and…and thickheaded and…and harebrained! Every last one of them are farcical and it’s completely unfair! I can’t take the incredulous things they decide to force on us, just because they can! It’s just plain irrational malarkey!!!!”

“Wow,” I looked at her, in amazement. It wasn’t exactly the response I was expecting, from her. “Even when she throws a temper tantrum, she sounds smarter than us!”

“I am NOT smarter than you! I’m not smarter than ANYone! This is all a bunch of poppycock! Won’t everyone just lay off the ‘smart girl’ crap? I am so sick of being a geek! As a matter of fact, I’m going to join the cheerleading team!”

“Wait,” Sean grabbed her arm, as she started to stand. “I’m confused. I thought poppies were plants…I didn’t think plants had cocks.”

“Yeah. And, besides that, it’s cheerleading squad, not cheerleading team.” I added, watching Morgan’s face.

“Aaaaah!” Her face turning shades of red that I had never seen. I watched her storm off, in the direction of the cheerleaders.

“Um…do you think she’ll be even more upset when she finds out that tryouts are looooooong over?” Sean questioned, popping a chip into his mouth.

“Actually, they’re holding tryouts next week. Didn’t you hear? Samantha flunked out, in three classes, and got kicked off the squad. I thought I told you that.”

“Oh yeah, you did, and Jimbo was talking about that, too. He dated her last semester, you know.” Sean lifted an eyebrow as we watched Morgan interact with the cheerleaders. “I can’t imagine her, as a cheerleader.”

“I don’t think anyone can, Sean. I’m not sure what’s going on, with her…my issues with Nick have never set her off, like that, before.” I let my fingers comb through my curls, as I contemplated the situation. “It has something to do with whatever happened, in the office. It has to, there’s no other explanation.”

“Agreed. But, how are we going to get her to calm down enough, to talk to us?” Sean looked at me, before returning his gaze to her. We both let out a long sigh, just as the warning bell rang.

I tried to talk to Morgan, off and on, all day, but it was useless. She was doing everything to avoid the topic and would just change the subject. After school was no different, she was even slacking, when it came to our homework. Overall, she was not acting like herself, at all.

“What do you think her deal is?” Sean asked, from his position, on my bed, the following day. “You think it’s something big?”

“Beats me. I haven’t gotten her to talk, either,” I shrugged, sifting through my desk drawer. I told Mason that I would let him borrow my protractor, but I couldn’t, for the life of me, find it.

“Maybe one of us should talk to Lisa,” he suggested. “Something is seriously wrong with her…she’s gonna try out for cheerleading!!”

“I know, Sean. The tryouts are next Monday!” I slammed the drawer, before opening another. A soft knock tapped on my door. “Enter!” I shouted, not looking up.

“Did you find it, Baylee? I really need it to finish my homework!” He sighed.

“I’m sorry Mase, I haven’t found it yet. Why do you need it so bad? I thought you had one.” I spun around in my desk chair, gliding across my room, to the other desk. I had been looking in my normal desk but hadn’t looked in the drawers of my computer desk, yet.

“I told you…mine got broken, today, and I have to get a new one.” He rolled his eyes, stepping into the room.

“WOOOO!” I threw my hands in the air, before tossing the found treasure to Mason. “I knew I had one somewhere! There ya go.”

“Hey Mason,” Sean piped up, stopping him from leaving the room. “Sit down and talk with us. We’re trying to figure out the mystery, that is Morgan. Chicks are complicated…the sooner you start learning about them, the better. Although, does one ever really learn about chicks?”

“Um…okay,” Mason shrugged and sat down, by Sean. Opening the small refrigerator, Sean tossed me a soda and handed one to Mason, before opening one for himself. “So, what are you trying to figure out?”

“Morgan’s hiding something.”

“I think it’s more than that, Sean.” I rolled my eyes, spinning around in my chair.

“Maybe it’s something she doesn’t want you to know,” Mason raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not that simple. She never hides things from us…well…except one thing that she’s hiding from…you know what, never mind.” Sean fell backwards, covering his eyes, with his arm.

“He’s right.” I sighed, “there’s one thing that she’s hiding from me…that Sean knows all about. But, other than that, she tells us, both, everything. This has got to be big. Plus, she’s just plain acting, really, weird.”

“Well…” Mason rubbed his chin, “maybe it’s something embarrassing.”

Things went on like this for hours. It was really cool having Mason there, too. The three of us got sidetracked on other subjects, too, but we kept coming back to Morgan. Nick ordered us take out Thai food and we raided the kitchen, for snacks. It was well past our bed time, before we finally settled down, for bed. Mason went to his room, and Sean settled into his usual guest room, while I cracked open dad’s journal.

December 21, 2005

Dear Journal,

Hey! It’s been crazy around here! Christmas is fast approaching and the excitement is growing with every second. Baylee’s eyes light up every time he goes in the living room, and sees that big tree. Leighanne won’t let him shake any of his gifts. Don’t tell her, but I let him pick them up every now, and then. It heightens the excitement and anticipation, if you ask me!

Nick and AJ stopped by, today. AJ was about ready to hang Nick, though, because he won’t shut his mouth about Ashley. Nick has been seeing her a lot, since that day in the mall. He even picked her up, from work, yesterday! AJ’s latest chick screwed him over…big surprise…and they broke up last week. He’s been pretty sour, ever since then. Poor guy…I really hope that he finds the right girl, someday, soon.

Well, it’s been a long day. I wrote a little early tonight, and still have to get Bay into his jammies. AJ bought him a new book that we are going to read for bedtime. The book is about trains and Baylee is excited to read it. So…I am off to take care of that. Night.

-Brian Thomas Littrell

December 30, 2005

Dear Journal –

Oh man! The holidays were CRAZY! We were so busy with family stuff…it was insane. Baylee had a blast and got completely spoiled! We went to visit all sorts of family and I think I have had enough turkey and ham to last me through the whole year!!! I think we have all gained about 50 pounds, or more!

We haven’t gone to see Leighanne’s family yet…our plans are to do that next week. Anyways, we had the big Littrell dinner, on Christmas night. Do you have ANY idea how many people that consists of? There’s my grandparents, parents, all the aunts and uncles, all my cousins with their spouses and children…the family farm was CRAWLING with people! I love our family holidays. That farm has been in the family for generations and all our family gatherings are held there.

No one really lives on the farm, anymore, but most everyone helps with the upkeep, when they can. It’s a ways outside of Lexington, but it is SOOOO worth the drive! We actually have pigs and chickens, plus a huge corn field! Back in the day, they had cows, too. Anyways, it takes a lot to keep it running, but we have a lot of family, too. Surprisingly, everyone finds time to help out. I just wish I had more time, to spend there because I have always enjoyed being on the farm.

I even took Baylee up, into the loft, and played Hide-and-Seek in the hay! It was a blast, but Leighanne told me, when we were done, that we smelled and needed to take a shower! Kevin was standing there, at the time, and made some smart remark something like “Oh, that’s not from the hay, Brian just naturally stinks!” Now, I expect that stuff from Nick and AJ, but from my own flesh and blood? Come on…where’s the love?

Speaking of Kevin…the family holiday went really smooth. He was acting pretty normal…not all uptight and grouchy, like he has been. It was almost like we never had any of those fights. We even had a wrestling match, in the back yard, like we used to do, when we were kids. I know, now, that there is something behind his recent behavior. But, what is it? Whatever has been going on stopped, over the holidays, and it was nice.

After we got back, we had the Backstreet holiday. That went pretty darn well, too. I am hoping that Kevin is permanently back to his old self and the attitude doesn’t return, after the holidays are over. Anyways, AJ and Nick took Baylee to the toy store and let him pick out whatever he wanted. I swear those two men spent more on my son, then they did for their own families! Okay…our house is huge and Baylee has a really big room, plus a toy room and I STILL don’t know where we are going to put all this stuff! Yeah…it’s that bad! We all had a nice dinner, though, and had a good evening. It wasn’t too over the top, but it was pleasant. Kevin and I brought our families, Howie brought his girlfriend Leigh, Nick brought Ashley (who is now, the official girlfriend! Whoot…go Nickers!), and Denise came with AJ. Everyone got along, really well, too!!!

YIKES! Look how long I have been sitting here writing away! Leighanne went out, with her friends, and is due back at any time. I promised that I would clean the kitchen and straighten up the family room…I guess I better run and do that, huh? You know…I think Nick’s procrastination habits are rubbing off on me.

-Brian

I snapped the journal shut.

So dad loved the farm, huh? Sounds like I used to enjoy it, a bit, myself. Perhaps I should be a little more open, to this idea. I wonder if there are any pictures, from those family holidays. Why does this have to be so hard, though? I miss my dad so much and I wish I could have him back, just for a day…just ONE day. Sure, I see him in my dreams, but it’s not the same. This trip, to the farm, is just going to make me miss him more! I’ll have to remember, to climb up into the loft, while I’m there.

I sighed, loudly, sitting up. It had already been a week, since Morgan’s outburst and I was no closer to figuring out what had caused it! Sean and I had been trying, like hell, to get her to open up…we were getting absolutely NOwhere!! Whatever it was, had caused her whole attitude to change. The first time I scored better on a test, than she did, I was all happy and excited. The second time, I was a little suspicious…but then, the third time? Yeah…I knew something was really wrong. Sean and I were beyond surprised to find that she actually did try out for cheerleading and were completely shocked when she MADE THE SQUAD!!!

Morgan didn’t show up, for our runs, anymore so I just sat, in my room, reading instead. I still had a half hour, before I needed to start getting ready. Running my fingers, through my hair, I let out a frustrated sigh.

“Screw this! I can’t take it, anymore!” I huffed, getting up and pulling on a shirt. I grabbed my stuff, and headed downstairs. Nick and Mason must have still been sleeping because no one was downstairs. I opened the front door and flipped on the front light. Within 15 minutes, I was knocking on her apartment door.

“Hello, Baylee, dear.” Lisa greeted, opening the door.

“Where is she?” I asked, a bit irritated. I tried not to sound so upset, but I couldn’t help it because Morgan was driving me nuts. “Is she back to normal, yet?”

“She’s in her room and what do you mean ‘back to normal’?”

“She’s been acting funny, ever since she got called to the principal’s office, last week.” I explained, looking at her with confusion.

“What are you doing here?” Morgan’s voice interrupted, before her mom was able to answer. Lisa took that as her cue, to leave the room.

“I came to talk to you.” I gave her the ‘duh’ look. Really, she should have already know the answer, to that!

“Well, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” She tried to hide it, but there was something in her eyes. I could see it. Her words weren’t reflecting her real feelings…something was seriously wrong. “Honestly, Baylee…I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”

My mouth dropped…I was dumbfounded! What did she mean by that? Was this some kind of mean joke? “Huh?” My voice came out as more of a squeak, than anything.

“Trust me,” her eyes floated, down, to the floor. “it’s for the best, that we don’t remain friends.”

“Are you two okay?” Lisa questioned, coming back into the kitchen. “What’s wrong?”

“Baylee was just leaving.” Morgan replied, looking up at me sternly. “Weren’t you…Baylee?”

“Uh…” I tried to swallow the lump that had settled in my throat. I blinked, a few times, thinking that Morgan would start laughing and tell me that she got me good. Her face didn’t crack though. “Ye…yeah…right…leaving…” I just looked at her, for a moment, with scrunched eyebrows and a frown.

“Well…bye then!” She rested a hand, on her hip, waiting for me to leave. I finally got my legs to move and when they did…boy did they! I ran all the way home and right up to my room. I slammed the door shut, throwing my backpack across the room. This was a mess! My whole life is a freakin mess!

“How could she!?!” I screamed, into the emptiness of my room. I wiped a stray tear as I began tearing through my stuff. I slammed things around, as I gathered everything that reminded me, of her.

“What is going on, in here?” Nick questioned, barging through my door, a concerned look on his face.

“It’s none of your business!” I screamed, as I whipped around, coming to face him. “Just stay out of it! It’s not like you even care! Thanks for pretending though!”

“Whoa, wait just a dog on minute! Why don’t you just start by telling me why you aren’t on your way, to school?” He raised his eyebrows, looking to me, for an answer.

“I’m not going to school! I just can’t…not today.”

“Uh…yeah…you are.”

“NO I’M NOT! My best friend just dumped me! ‘It’s for the best.’ She says…what the fuck does she know?!? Huh?” I screamed, with everything in me, as I tossed a teddy bear that she gave me, across the room.

“Morgan what?”

“She told me that we shouldn’t be friends anymore! How can we not be friends anymore? I don’t get it…we’re supposed to be friends forever! You don’t understand! She’s the only thing that keeps me sane! I can’t lose my best friend…it’s not fair!” I collapsed, to the floor, leaning against my bed and letting my head fall into my hands.

“I know how you feel. Losing a best friend is the worst. You feel like a part of you dies.” Nick’s voice was soft and sympathetic, as he took a seat, next to me. “I don’t think Morgan can stand not being your friend, Baylee. She’ll come around. You said she hasn’t been herself, lately. Just give her time…she loves you, too, you know.”

“Why? Why does everything have to be so messed up, Nick? I miss mom and dad, Aunt Kristin is gone, Uncle Kevin is a mess, Mason has to live with us, I don’t want to go to the stupid farm, you can’t even have your own life because of me, my best friend has been acting weird and now she’s rejecting me…will ANYthing ever be normal?”

“Aw, Bay,” Nick pulled me into a hug. I was breaking down, like a stupid little baby, and I was powerless to stop it. Crying in front of Nick was something I didn’t do…I hated showing what a wimp I really was. “Normal isn’t in our vocabulary. I know it’s never been in mine. You know how messed up my family and life have always been. I know how frustrating it is because there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“It’s like my world keeps crashing down, around me, and I don’t have any control, over anything.”

“Yeah…that sounds about right.” Nick nodded. “I think we need a vacation. Too bad that ours is going to be on a stinky farm…with a grumpy old Kevin.”

“This really is going to suck, isn’t it?” I sighed and slumped my shoulders. At least, I wasn’t the only one dreading this trip.

“Um…I don’t know. It’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure.” Nick’s face reflected his uncertainty about the whole thing. I could tell that he was nervous about the trip…I’m pretty sure that we all were, except Mason, maybe.

“Do we have to go?”

“Ha…you know we do, Bay.” Nick scoffed, shaking his head. We both ran our fingers through our hair, with the same hand, at the same time. Sometimes, you would think that we really were related by blood…maybe not father and son…but uncle and nephew, or something.

Since when did I lean on Nick, for emotional and moral support? You know…he really helped me feel better, though. I can see why he was my dad’s best friend. I really should open up to him more…you know, and give this whole relationship a chance, to go back to how it used to be. Hmm…maybe I’ll think about that some more.

So Nick let me stay home that day, but the next day, it was right back to school! I let out a long yawn, as I entered Biology. I wasn’t completely surprised to see someone, other than Morgan, sitting on her stool. I should have figured that Morgan would ask to switch lab partners.

“Hey.” I greeted the girl, not really knowing who she was.

“..h…hi..B…Baylee…” She stuttered, looking up, at me, with a small smile. Just my luck, I tell ya!

“It’s…uh…Allison…right?” I asked. I must have been right because she got this ‘he knows my name’ look on her face. I quickly looked her over…the first thing ANYone would notice was her hair. HOLY COW! It’s long…like, really long…it’s all the way down past her butt…with bangs that hung in her eyes, just, a bit…and it’s a natural fiery red. It almost hurt to look at it…yet it was amazing at the same time. Hmm…that means she’s Irish, right? She has the fair skin, too…oh, and freckles…then there is that little dimple on her right cheek that I noticed, when she smiled.

“Uh huh.” Her head nodded, as a soft pink crept onto her cheeks. Great. My new 9th grade Biology lab partner has a crush on the star JV football and basketball player…looky there…that’s me…perfect. I shook the thoughts, from my head, and sat on my own stool. I caught a glimpse of Morgan, who was looking back at me.

“So…” I started, not really knowing what to say.

“…yeah…?” looking at me, with wide eyes, she smiled, again. Okay…you know, sometimes, it’s kind of cool to walk down the hallway, having girls checking you out and wishing they were your girlfriend. I quite enjoy the attention, usually. But then, there are times where it is just plain annoying. Guess what! This is one of those times! Sure, she was pretty and all…I had to give her that…but, it kind of helps to have a lab partner that can actually talk around you. This was going to get complicated, if she was gonna be stuttering and making googly eyes at me, all the time. Luckily, for me, class began.

After the bell rang, I stood up, to gather my things. I turned to head out, when Morgan brushed past me, causing my books to hit the floor. Sighing loudly, I crouched down, to pick them up.

“Here…you need help?” I looked up, getting caught in Allison’s bright green eyes. Look who’s the one staring now! Someone slap me!

“Uh…” Think Baylee…think! Form words…you can do it. “Yeah…um…sure.” Great…now I’m stuttering? What’s next? “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome…Baylee.” There was that shy smile again. We stood up, looking at each other for another moment, before heading out of the classroom. I quickly made it, to my locker.

“Hey man,” Sean greeted. Any progress with Morgan?”

“Heeeell no! That chick will not speak to me, for nothin!” I shook my head, switching books. I turned around, seeing Allison, and some of her friends, walking towards us. “Hey Allison.” I smiled, giving her the ‘what’s up’ nod.

“Hi, Baylee.” She grinned, biting her bottom lip.

“Oh…my…gosh!” One of the other girls squealed, as they kept walking. “Baylee Littrell just totally talked to you!” I had to bite my lip, to keep from laughing. Girls are so weird!

“Who’s that?” Sean asked, looking her over.

“Allison…she’s my new Biology lab partner.” I answered, shrugging my shoulders.


“Stop it, dork-off!” Sean and I were goofing off, in Algebra. We had a substitute teacher and she was just rambling on, not even paying attention to the class. I flung another rubber band, at him, snickering. I looked over and saw Allison staring at us…well, me. When I gave her a goofy grin, her cheeks went red and she quickly turned away, focusing her attention on her text book. You know that really goofy grin that my dad always did? Oh…well…I guess you probably do, huh? Anyways, it must be hereditary because I’ve got it too and that’s the one I use, with girls! Actually, that grin is what makes me more popular than the other jocks, in school…the girls love that grin!

“Make me!” I whispered, egging him on. He tried to slap my upside the head, but I ducked, and he missed.

“Mr. Littrell!” The sub interrupted my fit of laughter. I sat back up, looking at her with a raised eyebrow. “Can you, please, come to the board and solve this equation?” I glanced at Morgan, who was looking at me, expecting me to go and do it. After all, she IS the one who spent two hours explaining it to me. HUH! Morgan wants to play games…well two can play, ya know.

“Uh…” I started laughing, knowing I was going to make Morgan mad. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my desk. I raised my eyebrows and grinned, answering, “Miss Sutherland…I’m a jock…do you really think I know any of this crap?” I leaned back, as the class erupted in laughter. Morgan glared at me, disapprovingly, as I leaned back with a cocky grin. I spent the rest, of class, sketching, on my notebook. I glanced up a few times, at Morgan, seeing that she was upset. I also glanced up at Allison, always finding her looking at me. I would smile, and then go back to what I was doing.

The rest of the day passed quickly. I kept catching Morgan and Allison staring at me. After school, I went straight home because we had to go meet with Kevin and his counselor, today, in order to work on preparations, for the upcoming trip. I tried to get my homework done, but it was hard, not having anyone to help me focus. Before I knew it, we were already walking into the clinic, for the appointment.

“Good afternoon,” the woman greeted me, Nick and Mason. We all greeted her back, as we entered the room, seeing Kevin already sitting in a plush chair. “Alright.” She sifted through some of her papers, before looking up at us. “We need to do some talking. I can’t send Kevin off, on this trip, without there being some kind of communication already established. Now, who wants to start?” No one answered. “How about you, Nick?”

“Um…okay…” Nick fiddled with his fingers, looking around the room. “Wh…what am I su…supposed to say?”

“You’re not supposed to say anything, in particular. Just talk, to Kevin…tell him how you are feeling.”

“Feeling about what…exactly?” I looked at Nick, who was obviously nervous, and then looked over to Kevin, who hung his head.

“Anything. His rehab, his progress, past issues that need to be resolved, the trip…anything that has been bothering you, about the situation with Kevin.” She clarified, but it didn’t look like it helped Nick.

“Uh…” Nicks eyebrows were furrowed, as he rubbed the back of his neck, before crossing his arms. I studied his face; he looked like a scared little child. I had seen some pictures, of their younger years, and Nick had that look, on his face. I know that Kevin was really hard on Nick…hell, he still is…

“I’m not going to snap at you, Nick,” Kevin’s voice was soft and broken, as he continued to stare at the floor. Nick’s head quickly turned towards Kevin. “That’s what you’re thinking.” Kevin looked up to meet Nick’s timid eyes. “But, I’m trying to change, Nick.”

“Go on, Nick…” the counselor’s voice was gentle, but firm.

“Okay…um…” Nick drew in a deep breath, slowly letting it back out. “Here goes…see…I’m really glad that you…you know…you’ve been here and…um…getting help, but, I’m really…worried…about this trip.”

“Go on…what about the trip?” The counselor pressed.

“I’m worried…that it might…not be the best thing for the boys. They’ve been through a lot of pain and heartache already…not that I think you would hurt them…or anything…I mean…I just…see what I meant was that emotionally it might do more damage than good. NO! That’s not right…um…see…there’s probably going to be arguing and stuff and they don’t need to hear that…we’re supposed to be good role models and…not that you aren’t a good father, I didn’t mean that! I mean…I’m not any better…not that you’re not good…what I mean is…shit!” Nick slouched down, further, into the chair. He let his head fall into his right hand, elbow resting on the arm of it.

“I know what you mean, Nick.” Kevin’s voice was gentle and…actually caring. Nicks head popped back up and he looked at Kevin, with confusion.

“You do?” His face looked shocked and confused. Obviously he wasn’t expecting that kind of response. Mason and I just sat quietly, listening, and waiting until the counselor decided it was our turn.

“I’m worried too,” Kevin nodded, fiddling with his hands, returning his gaze to the floor.

“You are?” Nick’s eyes widened.

“Yes, Nick. I know how I’ve been and I’m aware of the effect I have had, on everyone.” Kevin drew in a deep breath, “…and I know that it’s my fault you can’t talk to me.”

“No, Kev…you know I’ve always been…”

“Yeah, you’ve always been…because I was on to you all the time. You never had this much trouble when I first met you. I was always on your back, harping on you and I’m the one that made you so insecure. You’re a great person, Nick, and I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that.”

“If you ever made me doubt…are you serious?!?” Nick’s eyebrows furrowed and his voice rose, with growing anger. “What about all the lectures on how I couldn’t care for Baylee right? What about how I needed to change all the time? Oh…and don’t get me started on, the subject of, Ashley!” Nick scowled, on that last comment. He sat back, looking away, and crossing his arms again.

There was that Ashley again! Something big must have happened with her. I’ll have to skim through dad’s journal, later, and see if I can figure out what it was. My mind drifted of for a little while, as Nick and Kevin argued some more. The counselor kind of kept it under control, but still let them go at it. Kevin’s voice didn’t elevate, like Nick’s did, but remained calmer and gentler. I guess Kevin really meant it, when he said he was trying to do better.

“Hey JayJay?” I plopped, next to him, on his couch.

“Hey. How’d the counseling session go, this afternoon?” He flipped off the TV and turned to face me, as I opened a can of soda.

“Well…the session kind of sucked. Kevin and Nick got into it. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Nick said something to Kevin about this girl…Ashley.” After I said that name, AJ’s eyes went wide.

“No…uhuh…we are NOT…no…drop it.” He shook his head, standing up and heading for the kitchen.

“But my dad mentioned her in his journal…several times! Who is she?” I followed him and continued to press for answers. He sternly looked at me, before pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“I’m not talking about it, BayBay. And, you would be wise NOT to bring her up, in front of Nick. If he brought her up in the session, that already means he’ll be pissy for a week. You start asking questions and…well…just don’t okay?” AJ’s eyes looked almost saddened.

“Well…obviously something happened.”

“Just drop it, Baylee.”

“Hey guys!” Nick called, coming through front door and around into the kitchen. He looked at AJ and then at me. “What’s going on?”

“I was just asking AJ about your…” I was really going to just ask! I mean, how bad could it really be? But, I didn’t get to finish because AJ interrupted me.

“ABOUT your thoughts…on me…proposing…to Riley.” AJ searched for a cover story. Okay…so whatever happened with Ashley MUST be pretty big. But, was AJ serious about proposing?!?

“Are you…” Nick leaned forward, looking into AJ’s eyes. “…you’re serious! Oh my GOD, Alexander James!” Nick rushed up to him, pulling him into a huge hug. “I can’t believe…I mean…it’s finally happening! Good for you!” Nick’s smile was bright and genuine, as AJ blushed a bit.

“I looked at rings, with mom, a couple days ago.” AJ snickered, “I think she’s more excited than I am! Anyways…” AJ reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. “…I picked it up today.”

“Holy shit! This is gorgeous, AJ!” Nick gasped, when he opened the box. “She’s going to LOVE it!”

“I hope so…I had to have it specially made and it cost me extra to get it done so quickly. Do you think…I mean…will she…?” AJ looked stressed, as he turned his gaze to the floor.

“Don’t worry, man, I’m sure she’ll say ‘yes’. You guys are perfect for each other.” Nick’s eyes showed an odd mixture of emotions. I saw pure happiness AND sadness in his eyes, as he smiled at AJ.

“Yeah, JayJay…everyone knows you guys are crazy about each other.” I piped up, as Nick handed me the box. I opened the top and my eyes widened. The ring was amazing. It was braided white and yellow gold…It had a large oval diamond in the middle, two smaller oval diamonds on each side, of it, and five more diamonds inlayed on each side of the band…that’s thirteen diamonds! “This ring is awesome!” I gave him a wide grin.

“Seriously? You guys think so? I wasn’t really sure what she’d like…so I just…kinda…made it up.” AJ shrugged, as he started to pace the floor.

“How are you going to ask her? Are you going to go all romantic on her?” I ask, grabbing an apple, off the counter, and sitting back in the chair.

“No…if I go all romantic and everything…she’ll suspect something. I was just…thinking…I was planning to ask her, as soon as she got home.”

“You’ll catch her completely off guard! That’s a great idea AJ…I think…” Nick was cut off, by the sound of the front door opening.

“Here goes…” AJ drew in a deep breath. His hands were visibly shaking and he was obviously nervous. Nick walked over by me as Riley came into the room.

“Is everything okay? Alex, sweetie, what’s wrong?” She was instantly by his side, with a concerned look on his face.

“Uh…Ri…I um…” he looked at her, biting his lip. “I uh…”

“Alex? What is it? What’s wrong?” She pressed, glancing back and me and Nick.

“Ri…Baylee’s got something…that’s for you.” He swallowed hard, looking back at me. I had forgotten that the little velvet box was still in my hand. Riley walked towards me, coming to stand in front of me. She looked at me, with confusion, as I saw AJ get down on one knee, behind her.

“It’s right here.” I whispered softly, holding out my hand.

“What’s this?” She looked at me, then opened the box, gasping. “Alex?!?” She whipped around, gasping again, when she saw him on one knee. Her hand flew to her mouth, as her breathing visible picked up. He reached up and took a hold of her hands.

“Ri…” he licked his lips, as Nick and I watched with anticipation. “I know that we don’t say those words. But I can’t do it anymore…” he let out a sigh, shaking his head “…I have to tell you that I love you…and not just once…but every day, every hour, all the time…because Riley…I really do love you with everything in me. Please? Please let me say those words? I can’t breathe without you, anymore…without you in my life…I’d only be half a man because you are what makes me complete. Riley?” He swallowed hard, letting out a deep breath. “Will you marry me?” Riley just stood there, staring at him, for a few moments and AJ’s eyes remained locked, with hers.

“I…I…” Riley finally tried to speak, but didn’t seem to be able, to find her voice. She dropped, to her knees, throwing her arms around his neck and finally blurted. “I love you too, Alexander! So very much!” She leaned in, to kiss him, making me scrunch my nose.

“Is that a ‘yes’?” Nick piped up, raising a brow. He never was the patient type, you know. Riley chuckled, and looked to AJ, who still had a questioning look, in his eyes. Riley looked at the floor, before meeting AJ’s gaze again.

“It’s not a ‘yes’…” Riley said quietly, shaking her head, causing AJ’s face to fall. “…it’s a ‘hell yes’! Hell FUCK yes! A million times over, yes!” I watched, as Riley threw herself into AJ’s arms. The smiles, on their faces, were wide and full of happiness.

The happy moment was short lived, though, and before I knew it…I was back, home. I sat in my desk chair, near the window. My feet were resting on the window’s cushioned seat, my hands holding my dad’s journal, but my brain was somewhere, all together, different. I stared at the journal’s pages, but couldn’t focus enough to read.

My mind drifted, to Morgan. What was she doing, right now? Why is she pushing me away? You know…she, at least, still talks to Sean! She won’t hang out with him anymore, but she talks to him in school. I don’t get it. She completely ignores me now, like I don’t even exist! It just doesn’t add up.

Another thing that doesn’t add up…is this mess with Kevin. He seems to be the stem of so many issues. What did he do to this Ashley girl? Who was she? I mean, my dad talks about her in his journal…I know she was dating Nick…but what does Kevin have to do with it? And, why is it such a forbidden subject? AJ was right about Nick being cranky, because, as soon as we left, his mood changed. He wasn’t angry…more sad, than anything. There are some serious skeletons, in the closets, around here. I have to figure out what’s going on! It’s driving me crazy, that I am in the middle of everything, yet I know nothing. How can that be?

Being in the middle, of all this crap, sucks and I know Mason feels it too. I feel so bad for my little cousin. He lost his mom because of all this…still, neither of us know what ‘all this’ even is! I can relate to the confusion he feels…hell, I’ve felt it myself. Losing a parent…being thrown under someone else’s care…not having a clue, why it’s all happening to you. How is this fair, to us? We’re just kids, people! Technically, I’m a teenager…but, you know what I mean. I can’t even handle this, and I’m five years older than he is. He needs someone to confide in. I try to be there, but he doesn’t really open up to me…he needs someone that he can fully open up to…someone like Morgan.

This brings me back to her…

“Screw this!” I huff, standing to my feet. I rush out of my room, snatching my zip down hoodie, on the way out. I put an arm into my sweatshirt, as I start running down the stairs. Rounding the corner, I holler at Nick, telling him I’ll be back later. He raises a brow at me, asking where I’m going.

“I can’t take it anymore, Nick…I gotta talk to her.” I look at him, pleadingly. His eyes lock with mine and I expect him to start in, on his overprotective mode.

“Baylee…if you’re there, after it gets dark, call me and I’ll come pick you up. I don’t want you walking home, by yourself, in the dark.” He nods his head, showing his approval. I was floored…there was no argument? No yelling? No fight?

“Thanks Nick.” I look at him, and give a weak smile. Maybe he did understand, after all. I practically ran, all the way, to Morgan’s apartment. My breathing is rapid, as I knock on the door. I wait only a moment before I knock again, with more urgency. As I raise my hand, to knock, again, the door opens.

“Baylee?” I find myself face to face, with Lisa.

“Where is she?”

“She’s not here, hun. Morgan spent the night at Tori’s house.” She smiles sweetly, at me, and I just nod. Turning around, I slowly head back home, as it starts getting really dark. Off, in the distance, I see storm clouds rolling in and hear the faint rumble, of thunder. Perfect. How fitting! I still took my time, heading home, and ended up getting caught in the rain. At least, it was a fairly warm rain.

“You okay, Bay?” Nick questions, as I enter the house. I just shrug my shoulders, peeling off my wet sweatshirt and t-shirt, before heading up the stairs. After closing and locking my door, I change into a pair of pajama pants. As I collapse on my bed, a single tear of frustration trails down my cheek.

It was Saturday morning and I was feeling real lazy. Having no motivation to do anything, I just pulled on a pair of sweats, and lounged on my bed. My continuing fight, with Morgan, was wearing on me. I know it’s not technically a fight…but it feels like one. I’ve never had her give me the silent treatment, before, and it was slowly crushing me. Since I had a good four hours, before our counseling session with Kevin, I decided to flip open my dad’s journal. As always, I ran my fingers over the leather, before flipping through the pages. I got up, off my bed, and got comfortable in my desk chair, kicking my feet, up, onto the window seat. Hmm…where did I leave off?

February 12, 2006

Dear Journal –

You wouldn’t believe my day! Nick and Leighanne got into a major tizzy, over one of the stupidest things! Nick took Baylee out, so that Leigh and I could have lunch, just the two of us. Not only did she spend most of the time on the phone, but all hell broke loose when we met back up with Nick and Bay.

See…Nick doesn’t really think things through sometimes, especially when it comes to buying toys for Baylee. Now, I didn’t have a problem with what he got today, but Leigh flipped her lid. You should have seen her face, when Baylee came running up, to show us his new toy shotgun. So, now let’s take a look at all sides of this issue.

Leighanne argues that toy guns promote bad ideas, into children’s minds. Evidently, she read an article about how toy guns can numb a child’s mind, against death. Children use toy guns to “kill” things and people that ultimately don’t receive any injury; therefore it clouds the child mind, to what death is and what it means. This can lead to the child growing up and actually killing people, without fully understanding the consequences, of their actions.

Nick’s response was…well…very Nick-ish. All he said was “Dude…Leigh…it’s a toy.” That about sums up the tall blonde dork’s views, on the subject.

As for me…I don’t see the big deal. I had toy guns, when I was a boy. My parents were always clear on the rules, of playing with them. I was never allowed to point them at people or animals…they were strictly for pretending. My brother, and I, just went “hunting”, trying to bag the big buck. We played in the yard, pretending to see big deer all around and trying to get the biggest one. I turned out just fine! I was allowed those toys, but was taught on how to play with them, the right way.

So what’s the verdict, you ask? The toy gun got taken away and Nick got an hour long lecture on, the responsibility of, raising a child. I was really irritated over the whole situation. I tried to mediate. I tried to help them see each other’s sides. I tried to be the voice of reason. I got ignored. Leighanne got mad, thinking I was siding with Nick. It was a lose, lose, situation and there was no way for everyone to be happy. Baylee was crushed, when the toy shotgun was taken away, but, without Leigh’s knowledge, I sent it with Nick. I know exactly where it’s going to go, too…in his attic, where all Baylee’s other “forbidden” toys have been stashed.

Well…I guess I am done venting, for now. I’ve got a horrid headache, and I am going…to bed!

- Brian Thomas Littrell


Snapping the journal shut, I tossed it onto my bed. I got up so quickly, that my desk chair spun, and I sprinted to my door. Flinging the door open, it hit the wall with a crash. My legs couldn’t have carried me, to the attic, any quicker. I climbed the steps two, by two. Finally reaching the third story’s only room, I creaked open the worn, wooden door.

“Gross!” I groaned, whisking away the cobwebs. It took me a few moments to find the pull cord, for the single light fixture. Once light was shed, into the room, I saw just how big it was and that it was packed full of stuff. There were boxes everywhere, trunks, and bags…all stacked up in a, typical Nick, unorganized manner. The room looked like it used to be very nice, but now it was just dusty and un-kept. I bet with, a bit, of cleaning, this room would look like every other room, in the house. I kept letting my eyes scan the room. There was a single window, with a seat, just like in my room and not much, of anything, else.

I snapped out of my thoughts, and started rummaging through things. The first box was filled with hundreds and hundreds of pictures, from the Backstreet Boys’ heyday. Setting it aside, I made a note to look through them, later. On to the next box…sifting and sorting…Nick’s old family pictures and momentous of his childhood. Next…a large plastic bag…clothes? I rolled my eyes, after pulling out a shirt, to see it was from their Black and Blue tour. Letting out a loud sigh, I let my fingers touch my father’s face, and then put the shirt back in the bag.

“I know it’s all in here…Nick never gets rid of anything!” I spoke to no one, but myself, as I continued to rummage through the contents, of the room. Box after box, bag after bag…until…”YES!” I shouted, pulling out an old toy shotgun. “It really was here! I knew it!” I spotted a small toy pistol along with another toy shot gun.

I grabbed the three guns and sprinted out of the room, not bothering to turn out the light. Skidding, to a halt, I pounded on Mason’s door. When he answered, I just grinned and tossed him one, of the guns. He looked at me odd, and I just smirked. Both, of us, took off at full speed, scrambling down the stairs. We stood on opposite sides, of Nick’s office door, holding our guns in the ready position. Holding a finger, over my lips, I signaled the count, before we busted in through the door. As the doors flew open, I tossed the third gun, to Nick, who was shocked, but still able to catch it.

“Where did you…?” Nick began to question, but trailed off, as Mason and I initiated the gun fight. We gave Nick the little pistol, so Mason and I had the upper hand, with the shotguns.

“Oh you two are dead!” Nick grinned widely, getting up from his office chair. It was only a matter, of moments, before we were chasing each other around the house. Sprinting up and down the stairs, swapping from room to room, ducking behind furniture, and gasping for breath…our battle raged on.

“Cover me, Bay!” Mason called, as we both hid behind the kitchen island. He crawled out and made a run for Nick. I popped my head up, over the island and snickered, watching Nick lift Mason over his shoulder. Nick pointed the toy gun at me, with a wild smirk.

“You want a piece of me…punk?!?” Nick licked his lips and tried to spin the gun in his hand. I laughed, as I watched the plastic tumble, to the floor. Grinning, like a mad man, I rested my gun, one the top of the counter, aimed, and shot him. “AGH!” Nick screamed. He gently put Mason down, before dramatically stumbling around, clutching his chest. Mason ran over, to stand, by me, as we watched Nick desperately grab at the wall.

“Nice shot, Bay!” Mason smiled, giving me a high five. Nick gurgled and let his right hand slide down the wall, as he fell to the floor, with a thump.

“Thanks. We’ll see if he ever stashes my toys in the attic, again!” I squatted next to Nick’s body and poked him, with the barrel of my toy gun. He opened on eye and looked up, at me.

“How did you know about those, anyways?” His other eye opened, as a grin spread across his face.

“How do you think?” Tilting my head, I raised my eyebrows. The answer, to his question, was obvious and he already knew it.

“Reading your dad’s journal again?” He grunted, as he sat up. Mason and I turned our backs, to his, and the three of us leaned back, on each other. We sat and talked for over an hour, before it was time to start getting ready. Nick retreated back, into his office, while Mason and I headed upstairs.

“Bay?” Mason stopped me, just before I entered my room. Turning around, I saw a look, of distress, across his face.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk?” My ears perked up, at the idea. I nodded vigorously. Hopefully we would get further, this time…he really needed to open up, more.

“Of course!” I walked into my room, with him close behind. Closing the door softly, behind him, he made his way into the room. I nodded my head, towards the bed, and he sat down. “What’s up?”

“This counseling thing…” he fidgeted, with his hands, and his voice was low. I could tell that his nerves were high and, maybe, to a breaking point. “They made Nick talk…what if they make me talk, too?” Looking up, at me, I could see the worry in his eyes.

“Well…uh…you just talk, Mase. You have to tell him sooner, or later…you might as well get it over with. Just tell him how you feel. He’s been really trying and we can see that from the way he’s been acting. It’s going to be hard and you’re going to be nervous…scared…or both. You know what though? It’s okay to be scared, about this. It’s a big step for all of us, but especially for you and your dad. In the end, it will help, though.” I stood up, making my way over, to him. Sitting next to him, I put an arm around his shoulders.

“I really am scared Baylee. What if…” He let out a deep sigh, staring at the floor.

“What if…what?” I pressed on, wanting him to open up, to me, and let his emotions free. “You know…nothing you say leaves this room.”

“I know…thanks, Baylee. I’m just scared that maybe…if I tell him how I feel…that…he’ll decide that he doesn’t want me, anymore. I mean…I know that I’m not really important, to him…but, I’ve been hoping that this counseling and stuff…maybe it would make him want me again.” Mason sniffled, as tears settled in his eyes. I found myself in a temporary loss, for words.

“Oh, my gosh, Mason.” I finally gasped, not really knowing how to respond. “Your dad loves you…he really does. He’s had a lot of issues, his mind was all clouded, and his priorities were way out of whack. I don’t think there was ever a point where he, honestly, didn’t want you…I guess he just forgot to show you how much he loves you.”

“How can you forget to show someone you love them? How could he forget to want me? Am I really that bad of a son, that he just forgets that stuff? Or maybe he only has that ‘I love him because he’s my son and I have to’ kind of love!” Mason was on his feet, pacing.

“Ask him.”

“I tried so hard! I wanted him to care! I wanted him to love me! Somehow I never really felt like he did.”

“Tell him.”

“I can’t just tell him! Are you crazy?!? I’ll be stuck here forever!” Mason stopped, snapping his head to look at me. “I didn’t mean…it’s not that it’s bad here…I mean…I love you and Nick…I just…I mean…I wouldn’t be stuck, per say…I just meant that…”

“Mason! I understand. I feel stuck sometimes, too…okay…a lot of times. Anyways, I know what you mean. The circumstances are a bid different, but we share a lot of those same feelings. It sucks to feel abandoned. I can only imagine how much worse it is, for you, seeing as it was by choice, on your dad’s part.” I stood up and pulled my little cousin, into a tight hug. After only a moment, I felt him break down. He sobbed into my shoulder, as I sighed, relieved that he was letting it out. Bottling those horrible emotions can tear a kid apart…trust me…I know.

The ride, to the counseling appointment, seemed to take forever, and the car was deathly silent. I sat in the backseat, with Mason, just trying to let him feel that I was there, for him. I didn’t know what else, to do. In my mind…it was time, for me, to be like Morgan. She always knew what to say and how to make me feel better. It was my turn to do that, for Mason. As we approached the tall building, I put an arm around him and gave a reassuring squeeze. He took in a few deep breaths, as we entered, through the doors.

Luckily for Mason, the counselor didn’t make him and Kevin talk during the counseling session, but we know it will come, eventually. Everything was pretty quiet over the weekend and now it was already Tuesday. Today was a big day, too! I woke up with a smile on my face, as I pulled on my away jersey over my white shirt…the jersey is red, with black letters and outlining. I finished getting ready, grabbed my backpack and duffel bag, and then sprinted down the stairs.

“Don’t forget…I won’t be home until really late, tonight!’ I grinned, at Nick. Taking a seat at the table, I rubbed my hands together, as Nick set a plate of food down.

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten, Bay!” The smirk, on Nick’s face, told me something was up, but I wasn’t about to ask…not today!

“Mmm, that was good. Thanks Nick! See you guys lata!” I set my plate in the sink and headed out the door. I met up, with Sean, and we power walked all the way, to school. The halls were buzzing with excitement and the whole team met up, before class. We were hooting and hollering, psyching ourselves up. We had a big game this afternoon and the whole school was amped up.

I met back up with Sean and Allison, by my locker, before the warning bell rang. Allison and I had met up on Sunday night, for burgers and again last night, for a movie. It took me a bit, to get her to not be so shy, around me, but now I am finding that she’s such a sweet girl and I really like her. The three of us, were laughing about something, when it happened.

The double doors swung open and in came some of our JV cheerleaders, one in particular caught my eyes. Her long black curls looked as soft as silk and bounced loosely around her shoulders. The curls were in perfect ringlets, like I have only seen in commercials and movies. I couldn’t help but to look her over…she was beautiful. Eyes wide, mouth open, and jaw on the floor, I couldn’t keep myself from staring.

“Who’s the new chick?” Sean questioned, obviously taking in the same sight. Our heads were frozen, looking her way. The tight cheerleading uniform hugged her curves, in a way I had never seen, before. I glanced down, seeing how the short skirt showed off her toned legs, that I had seen so many times. Over the years, I have seen her in bathing suits and shorts…but this was something different, all together. Her flat stomach was peeking out, from under the cheerleading halter and it, too, looked…different.

“Uh…Sean…” I shook my head, not removing my eyes from the beauty before us. “…I don’t think…that’s a new chick.” Maybe it was the air of confidence that surrounded her. Maybe it was the genuine smile that lit up her face. Or maybe it was just the make-over she had received. It may have even been just because I have missed her so much. Whatever the case is, my brain wouldn’t stop thinking things that a best friend shouldn’t think.

“Morgan?!?” Sean’s voice failed him, and it came out as more of a gasp. Morgan and the other girls stopped, directly, in front of us. I bit my bottom lip, hoping she would speak to me. She had spoken to Sean some, sure it was only at school and in very small amounts, but at least she had talked to him. Not a word had been spoken, to me, since she broke off our friendship.

“Well, hey Sean!” Her voice had a giggle to it, as she grinned at him. The other cheerleaders flocked around me, for just a moment, to wish me luck. Within a blink, of an eye, they were all headed down the hallway, with guys trailing behind. Morgan’s arm was in a much smaller cast now, only covering her thumb and lower forearm, but she still had someone else carrying her things.

“Wow…she sure looks pretty today!” Allison smiled, causing me to snap out of my trance.

“That’s the understatement of the year!” Sean chuckled. “I’ve known her for years and always thought she was pretty, but….wow…I’ve never seen her look THAT good!”

“Man…I just wish she would talk to me!” I sighed loudly.

“Aw, don’t worry, Bay. She’ll come around. Everyone knows you guys are inseparable! Just…give her time, to get used to things. It’s a big thing that she’s been offered, you know.” Allison rested a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“What? What…big thing? What are you talking about?” I turned to face Allison, whose face went red.

“You mean…” she looked from me, to Sean, and back to me. “…you guys don’t know?”

“We will, once you tell us!” I tilted my head, looking at her with anticipation. Now was the moment of truth…I would finally find out what, in the halibut, was going on. To say I was excited and anxious would be another understatement, of the year.

“Oh…um…well…you know how we are in 9th grade now and will go into 10th next year?” Allison bit her lip, looking very nervous.

“Uh huh…” Sean nodded, standing next to me.

“Well…she won’t be going…into 10th grade…with us.” Her eyes roamed, as the warning bell sounded. I gently grabbed her arm, as she turned, to head to class.

“What do you mean, Ali?” I asked, softly, wanting the rest of the story.

“They gave her some kind of test that day, when she was called into the office. For whatever reason, they thought that she wasn’t being challenged enough, in our grade. On the test, they gave her, her score came out really high. She scored way higher than a normal 9th grader should, so...they want her to go into 12th grade, next year, instead of 10th." Allison finished her explanation, in a rush.

“How did you know that?” Sean and I asked, in unison, looking at her with amazement.

“Um…the whole school knows…except you guys, I guess.” Allison shrugged and we all headed to class.

I spent the whole class, staring a whole into, the back of, Morgan’s head. I couldn’t believe this…it didn’t even make sense! She broke off our friendship, the day after she was called into the office. I knew, all along, then that her reasons had something to do with whatever had happened…but this…I didn’t expect this! Wasn’t this…like…a good thing? I’m not going to even pretend like I understand the connection between her skipping a couple grades and her calling off our friendship, but I sure as heck planned on finding out!

Before I knew it, we were in fourth period and the PA system buzzed. “All Junior Varsity basketball players and cheerleaders are now excused from class, to meet at the bus, in front of the school. Good luck tonight, boys!” The classroom erupted in cheers, as Dean, Josh, Matt, Morgan, Sarah and I all stood up.

“WAR-I-ORS! WAR-I-ORS!” Dean, Josh, Matt and I stood up on our chairs and chanted, punching our fists in the air. Hopping off the chairs, we approached the two girls, who stood in front, of the class. We took our positions behind them, as they cheered.

“We’re the best, we can’t be beat! So come on fans, get on your feet!” The two girls went through their movements, and the class stood up. I couldn’t help but watch Morgan…she looked like she had been cheering all her life. Her movements were precise, on point, and very strong. “Shout it out…let’s get loud! Our team is gonna make you proud! GO WARRIORS! Whoooo!”

“GO WARRIORS!” The whole class screamed, as we headed out the door. Walking into the hallway, I saw the rest of our teammates exiting their classes, as well. All of us chanted, as we stopped, at our lockers, to grab our things, and headed out to the bus. I was almost to the bus and I stopped, dead, in my tracks, when I noticed AJ’s black Escalade, in the school parking lot. Everyone else went around me, as I stood there, staring. There were red and black ribbons tied to the antenna, ‘Go Warriors’ in black paint on the back driver’s side window, ‘Baylee # 16’ in red paint, on the very top of the windshield. I could see that there were things painted on the rear window and back passenger window, but couldn’t read them.

“WHOOO! GO LITTLE B!” I smiled, seeing AJ nodding at me. He was leaning against the front, of the Escalade, wearing his black and read Warriors sweatshirt, with black jeans. What were they doing here?

“We’ll see you there, sweetie!” Riley stood beside AJ, also wearing a Warriors sweatshirt except with red pants. She had AJ’s arm draped over her shoulders and had that permanent smile, that has been on her face, ever since AJ popped the big question. See me there? That means…they’re going to my game!

“Good luck!” Nick leaned against his door, waving at me. He too was in all Warriors attire! Man, I guess they really are going to support me, at the game! “You’ll do great! We’re all proud of you, no matter what!” He was grinning from ear, to ear. I couldn’t have been happier, to see them. I didn’t figure they would go to this game. Sure it was a really important game…if we won this game, we were going to the state championships…but, the game was a three hour drive, away. Seeing AJ, Riley and Nick wasn’t even my biggest surprise…

“Hey, Baylee!” Mason stepped out of the car. “Thanks to you, I get to skip the rest, of school, today!” Nick was letting Mason skip school, to come?!? I was utterly shocked!

“Saddle up, Littrell!” Coach ordered, from behind me, slapping a hand on my shoulder. I smiled widely at the group and hopped onto the bus. I found my normal seat, in the very back…I always sit in the same spot! Looking out the window, I saw them pile into the Escalade and pull up, behind the bus. There were plenty of other cars, lining up, too. I guess we had a whole caravan, of people, going! When I looked out the other side, I saw all the varsity players and cheerleaders exiting the school and heading to the parking lot…they, almost, always make it to states. Were they going to our game?

“Are we ready?!?” The head cheerleader stood up, in the front, as the bus slowly started out of the parking lot.

“YES!” We all shouted, in response. It wasn’t until this moment, that I noticed Morgan was sitting across the aisle, from me. I gave her a smile, but she just looked at the ground. Did I mention how amazing she looks, today?

“Are we going to kick butt?!?”

“HECK YEAH!”

“I can’t hear you! Girls, let’s get these boys riled UP!” All the girls stood to their feet, as the bus pulled onto the highway. I know…technically, no one is ever supposed to stand up, when the bus is moving…but, coach and bus driver never scold us or tell us to sit down, so we do it anyways! You know, with a three hour drive, ahead of us, I’m not real sure why the girls want to get us riled up NOW. I guess it’s just because we are officially leaving and on our way. I shouldn’t be surprised, though, they do this every time. Not that I’m complaining, because it’s a lot of fun getting all hyped up!

The girls all lined up, down the aisle, of the bus. Seeing as she was sitting in the back, Morgan was standing right beside me. Morgan was facing away from me, as was every other girl, with the opposite girls, facing our way. “Let’s get physical…”

“Let’s get down, get rough, get mean!” The other guys and I took over, raising our voices.

“Let’s get physical…” each girl turned, facing the opposite direction, from what they started.

“Let’s get hard, get tough, get mean!” All, of us, guys, shouted.

“Let’s get physical…” I couldn’t stop my eyes from watching Morgan, again, as her hips moved, in time, with the other girls. Never, before, had I seen her have so much confidence, in herself. She got a lot of attention, at school, today and I think it has done wonders for her self esteem. Maybe joining the squad was a good idea. Now, I just have to work on getting our friendship back, on track.

“AND BEAT THE OTHER TEAM!” The whole bus joined in, everyone standing up. A few more cheers were shouted, before we settled into our seats. I looked out the back window, and saw that the black Escalade was still right behind us. We all just talked amongst ourselves, for now. It wouldn’t be until, about, 45 minutes before our arrival, that we would get all rowdy again. This was a big game, and would require a lot of energy. Trust me, when I say, by the time we pull into their school’s parking lot…we’ll be pumped, riled, rowdy, and ready to KICK BUTT!

The bus ride had been long, but loud, as we were all rowdy. When we got to the school, we all piled out, of the bus, and in, to the locker rooms. Changing into our away uniforms, all sixteen, of us guys, were hooting and hollering, to get hyped for the game. This was a big game, for us and we really wanted to win so, we could go to states. Before we knew it, it was time to line up, for our entry onto the court.

“Give it up, for our very own…the blue and white…the EAGLES!!!” The gym’s sound system boomed. I listened closely as the other team was introduced, one by one, by their cheerleaders. Our team got in line, outside the gym, as our cheerleaders stood in their formation, on the other side of the door. The other team finished introducing each of their players and the announcer came over the speaker, again.

“And now…our visiting team…the black and red…the WARRIORS!!!” I heard our cheerleaders erupt into high squeals, before starting their introductory cheers. One, by one, each player was introduced with a one line chant, as they ran out onto the court, making a lap before heading to our bench.

There were sixteen cheerleaders, to match our sixteen players. Each cheerleader is ‘assigned’ a player. Anytime the cheerleaders and players have to team up for anything in pep rallies or whatever, we are always in the same pairs. I already knew that I would be paired with Morgan, because she was replacing the girl who was paired with me before. As I stood at the back of our line, nothing could prepare me, for my introduction.

“Baylee might be last in line, but let me tell you girls…he’s FIIIIIINE!” Morgan ended her line with a toe touch jump, as I ran out onto the court. I was in a bit of shock, hearing such a thing come from my best…coming from Morgan, but I couldn’t pay attention to that, at least, not now. It was time to get focused.

It didn’t take me long, to spot my personal cheering section. Nick, AJ, Riley and Mason were all sitting directly behind our bench, with wide smiles. I couldn’t help the grin, spreading across my lips, as I saw they were all wearing black and red face paint, now, to match their Warriors attire. Riley and Mason even had homemade posters with my name and jersey number 16. They held up the posters, above their heads, and screamed, for me, as I jogged past them, for my lap around the court.

The game started and I think they were cheering louder than the actual cheerleaders…not that I minded, at all! Needless to say, I was on the starting line-up and played for most of the game. I wiped the sweat, from my brow, as our final time out was coming to an end. The coach gave us a final word, of encouragement, before we all put our hands in, together.

“Huh…huh…huh…GO WARRIORS!!” We grunted and screamed, before heading back onto the court. We were, now, down to the final moments, of the fourth quarter.

A glance, at the scoreboard, confirmed we only had 15 seconds left, in the game, and we were still down by two points. We had possession, of the ball, and started heading down the court. Dean had the ball, as we all jogged toward the hoop, weaving around our opponents. The seconds ticked, as he looked for an opening. I scurried around the guy guarding me, catching the pass, as I spun around. The guy was on me, like an unwanted pimple, in the middle of your forehead, on the night of the homecoming dance!

“…we’re here to dominate…we came to eliminate…we’re going to termi…”

“…8…7…6…”

“SHOOT IT BAY!!”

“TAKE THE SHOT!”

“…5…4…” The numerous sounds were coming from every angle, and they sounded like nothing but a jumble, to me. I could hear the cheerleaders, Nick, the home fans, our Varsity team, AJ, Mason…

“Come on Littrell!” Matt’s voice grabbed my attention, bringing it back to the game, and I knew I had to take the shot. I couldn’t wait any longer, I couldn’t get any closer…I had to take it now. Spinning around, to break away from my guarder, I lifted the ball above my head and snapped it into the air. As I felt the ball roll off my fingertips, the sound of the final buzzer, filled my ears. This was it…the game was over…everything was riding on this one shot. If it went in, it would tie the game and we would battle in overtime…no…wait…upon glancing, at the floor, I see I am outside of the three point line. That means…this shot…if it goes in…would win us the game and send us to the state championships.

The home crowd was on their feet. Our cheerleaders had stopped cheering and were frozen, in place, watching the ball. All of my teammates were frozen, too, their eyes glued to the ball, watching it fly through the air. The ball hits the backboard and gasps are heard from all around me, as everyone anticipates the ball’s path. Hitting the rim, it makes a circle, not falling off either way. I hold my breath. The ball makes another trip, around the rim. It slows and teeters. Watching it closely, I see it fall into the hoop! We’ve won!

I jump in the air, punching a fist upwards. My teammates rush me, Lucas grabbing me by the waist, keeping me in mid air. The cheerleaders rush onto the court, screaming and cheering. Our home crowd emptied the bleachers and joined us on the court. Nick, AJ, Riley and Mason were the first to vacate the bleachers and run our way. The noise level reached a peak, as everyone screamed, in victory.

As Lucas set me back, on my feet, I was almost plowed over by Morgan. I was more than shocked, to feel her arms around me, but I didn’t waste time in wrapping mine around her, tightly. I stood, holding onto her, and my personal cheering section surrounded us. Taking one arm away from Morgan, I let it slip around Nick, as he hugged me from the side.

“Awesome game Baylee!” AJ smiled, taking Nick’s place, at my side. Morgan let go and stepped back, looking at me with embarrassment.

“Um…nice shot…Baylee…” Before I could respond, she was back into the crowd. She probably didn’t even think about it, when she hugged me. It was, most likely, a force of habit. I didn’t have the chance to dwell on the subject because Mason attacked me, almost knocking me over.

Things began to settle down, as everyone stepped to the side, of the gym. Our team lined up, on one end of the court, as the Eagles lined up, on the opposite end. As usual, I was at the back, of the line, as we walked toward the other team. As we made our way, down the court, we slapped high fives with every player, and the couches, of the other team. Compliments, on the well played game, were given by both teams, as our lines passed each other.

“Come on Warriors…” Couch’s voice shouted, after we were done. “…back to the locker rooms!” I walked over and gave Nick, AJ, Riley, and Mason each one last hug, before following my teammates back to the locker room. All, of us, started shouting and slapping high fives, again, as we entered through the locker room door.

After taking our showers and changing, we gathered all of our things. I slung my duffel bag, over my shoulder, as we all headed out of the locker room. We met up, with the girls, in the hallway, as they exited their locker room. I knew it might not be the best move, but I walked up from behind Morgan. As I came up beside her, I slung my am over her shoulder, drawing her in, to me. Just as I figured, she tried to wiggle from my grip, but she knows, all too well, that I always win. So, after a few moments, she just let my arm stay where it was. We all walked out to the bus, still hyped up, from the game. Piling onto the bus, I took a glance at the Escalade that had re-claimed the spot right behind our bus.

As everyone settled, into their seats, I made my way, to the back, of the bus. I gave up my normal spot, and slipped into the seat next to Morgan. She looked at me with something in her eyes I was not used to seeing from her…at least, not directed towards me…she looked nervous. When I felt the bus begin to move, I started digging in my duffel bag, pulling out a small notebook and a pen. Flipping through the pages, I passed all the songs and poems that I’ve written, to a blank page. I drew in a breath and took a sideways glance, at Morgan, before I began to scribble.

”Are you gonna talk to me anytime soon?” I don’t know what is going on, in her head, but I can tell this wouldn’t be something she would openly want to talk about, with other listening ears so close. I hesitantly hand the pen and pad, to her. After reading it, she gives me a sad look and proceeds to write. She hands the notebook, back, to me.

”I wasn’t planning on it. Sorry, Baylee.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“If it’s about the test they gave you and you skipping grades…I already know.” I was already feeling the agitation rise in my stomach. Why did she always have to be so darn stubborn? I drop the pad, on her lap, satisfied with my comment. Her jaw drops and she looks up at me, tears in her eyes.

“How?” Her voice is barely audible, as she struggles to keep her eyes locked, with mine. I can tell she’s about to crack. She wants to tell me…she’s dieing to…I just know it. Any moment, now, and she’ll be scribbling, on that paper, like there’s no tomorrow. I take the pen, reaching over to write on the pad that still sits on her lap.

”Ali.”

”Are you seeing her, now?”

“Sort of, but I will talk to you about that AFTER we fix our friendship.” I am still reaching over her, writing on the notebook that hasn’t left her lap. I look up at her, with pleading, in my eyes. I miss her. I miss our runs…our homework sessions…our slurpies…our talks…everything.

”We’ll talk later.” Releasing a sigh, I shake my head. That wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but at least, she was willing to talk. Hopefully it would be soon. I, honestly, don’t know how much more, of this, I can handle.

“Tonight.” I state firmly, staring her in the eyes. It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t negotiable. I was going to stand firm, on this. We have already waited too long, to have this talk.

“Tonight.” She repeated, softly, nodding her head. Sitting back, in my seat, I lean my head over and let it rest on her shoulder for a moment. Sitting back up, I make myself comfortable for, the rest of, the ride. I must have dozed off, because I re-opened my eyes, to find us pulling into the school’s parking lot. Everyone lazily climbed off the bus and headed to the awaiting cars.

“You ready to head home, Bay?” AJ asked, stepping out, of the Escalade. I was about to climb in, when I saw Morgan slowly walking towards me. Poking my head into the truck I asked Nick if I could walk Morgan home, so we could talk. Nick smiled and easily agreed. I watched them pull out, each of them waving at me. I waved back, smiling. Morgan and I started walking home, in silence.

“So…” After almost 10 minutes, I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “Talk to me.” We had stopped walking, and were standing by the elementary school’s playground. I shoved my hands into my pockets and turned to look, at her.

“Baylee…I…”

“What? Decided that you’re too smart to hang out with a dumb jock, now? Finally get fed up of me? You seem to talk, to Sean, just fine!” I couldn’t stop the anger and frustration from rising, in my voice. There was a lot of pent up confusion, inside of me, and I couldn’t swallow it down any more.

“NO! That’s not it at all!” Morgan’s face reflected shock, as if the suggestion was absurd, but in my mind, it seemed like the only reason she would cut off our friendship.

“Then what is it Morgan? You kind of just kicked me, to the curb, and left me, in the dark! Hell…I’m the only one, in the school, that didn’t know Morgan!” My voice rose, as my hands flew up, into the air. I didn’t really mean, to yell, but I couldn’t seem to control it.

“Have you thought about it, Baylee? Huh? Everything is going to change! Don’t you get that? I’m…going…to be…a…SENIOR!!!” I flinched, as her voice screamed back, at me.

“What does that have to do with anything, Morgan?” I consciously made an effort, to even out my voice and calm myself. We’ve never fought and I didn’t like the idea, of starting now.

“Hmm…let’s think about it, for a minute!” She began to pace, her hands cutting through the air. Her voice was harsh, as she continued her explanation. “How about not having classes together anymore? Do you realize we won’t even have the same senior prom? We won’t take the senior trip, to Paris, together! No more homework study sessions. We won’t be working on projects anymore, Baylee. I’ll be headed off, to college, before you and Sean are even close, to graduating! You think you get teased NOW for being friends with the ‘smart girl’ you just wait, until I skip a few grades. THEN see how much crap you get!” She came to a sudden stop, staring at me. Her eyes bore into me, like never before. The street light, behind me, cast light onto her face and I could see tears glistening in her eyes.

“Morgan…you know I don’t care what everyone else thinks! Besides…can’t you just…say ‘no’?” I tilted my head, stepping close to her. Reaching out, I grabbed one of her hands.

“It’s not that easy, Baylee.” Her voice was now soft and gentle, instead of harsh and loud. “Do you have any idea…how happy mom was? She’s…” Tugging her hand away, she turned around, her back facing me. “She’s so proud, Baylee. When she got home, that day, she called everyone, to tell them how happy and proud of me she was. I…I can’t just…I’m all she has…you know that.”

“What do you want, Morgs? Do you want to skip ahead?” I came up to her and slipped my arms around her, resting my chin on her shoulder.

“Of course not!” Letting out a deep sigh, she hung her head. I didn’t realize what a struggle this was, for her. How could anyone have known what she was going through? Here I was thinking that her reasons were selfish and cruel…when really, she just didn’t want to let her mom down.

“Tell her,” I stepped back, turning her to face me. “She loves you, Morgs, she’ll understand.”

“I can’t break her heart! I just…I can’t do it.” Shaking her head, a few stray tears slipped down her cheeks. Bringing my hands up, to her face, I let my thumbs wipe away the tears.

“Not skipping the grades doesn’t change the fact that you’re smart enough to do it, Morgan. You’re always going to be freakishly smart…not even that new skimpy tight cheerleading uniform can change that!” I gave her a lopsided grin. She tried to fight it, but lost the battle, and began to laugh.

“I’m not freakishly smart! You’re just a dumb jock!” She shoved my shoulder, and wiped her eyes. “How do you always win, Baylee?” She turned semi-serious, looking back into my eyes.

“This time…it’s because I don’t think you really wanted to cut off our friendship.”

“Well…I…I didn’t…not really. I just…I thought you…that you wouldn’t…”

“Don’t even try telling me that you thought I would cut it off, when I found out. If you thought that…then you must have cheated on that test they gave you!” Honestly…could she have really thought that? After all these years…

“Well…” I watched her bite her lip and cast her gaze to the ground. Nice. She did think that. I chuckled, sarcastically, and pulled her into a hug. Her arms came around me and hugged me back.

“I’m not leaving, Morgan. You’re still my best friend and you always will be, no matter if you skip ahead, or not. I still think you should talk, to mom, if you don’t want to do this grade skipping thing. But, either way, I’m going to be here for you, just like always.” We started walking, toward her apartment, again. Along the way, I made effort to bring us back, to where we were before all this happened.

“STOP!” Her squeal pierced the night air, as I poked her in the ribs. “You are such a dumb jock!”

“Yeah…but I’m your dumb jock!” I smiled widely, but inside I was a bit nervous. Would she react the way she always used to, or were things, really, going to be different, now? Her reply would tell me, if things were okay again.

“Yeah…I guess I’ll always be stuck with your dumb butt!” My nervousness disappeared and turned into a huge smile. That was, exactly, the kind of response I had hoped for.

After walking Morgan, to her door, I headed home, myself. Nick had left the front light, and stairway light, on, for me. I climbed the stairs and headed into my room. Nick had set my duffel bag in the middle of the floor and I just kicked it to the side, as I stripped off my shirt. Lazily throwing my jeans, to the side, I crawl into bed. At least something was normal, again. This was one less thing, for me, to worry about. The sheets felt so good, as I curled up and quickly fell asleep, with a smile on my face.

So far, this week has been great. It’s Wednesday now, and my friendship with Morgan has been fully restored, as if nothing ever happened. Needless to say, Sean was as shocked, as I was, about her reasons behind breaking things off. The first day was slightly awkward, but that faded away pretty quickly.

Morgan and I are back into our morning routine, with slight variation. We have to head out a bit earlier, because it takes longer, for her to get ready, for school. She has to tame her curls and put on her light make-up…things she never used to do. I get a kick out of standing there, watching her, though. How do chicks do that make-up stuff, without poking an eye out?

I am really glad that the trio is back to normal. After all, Spring Break starts after school, on Friday. Do you remember what that means? Yep. The big trip, to the family farm, is approaching quickly. I’m not sure how this trip is going to go and I’m not the only one who is nervous about the whole thing. Thank heavens that I will have Morgan to call, if things go haywire, or if I just need to vent.

“I’m home!” Throwing my bag, on the floor, I walk into the house, looking for any sign of life.

“We’re in here, BayBay!” AJ’s voice makes my ears perk up. I hadn’t expected him, to be here because Nick, Mason and I had to go to another counseling appointment, with Kevin, this afternoon. Walking into the living room gave me an even bigger shock.

“Hi, Baylee. How are you?” I was immediately engulfed, in a hug, by Howie. Now, I was really confused. What is going on, here? My mind was suddenly filled with possible reasons for the unexpected get together, as I took a seat, on the couch.

“Um…what’s going on?” Looking from Howie, over to AJ, I wait for an answer. Before either of them could respond, Nick came storming into the room.

“This is fucking peachy! All the flights are booked, so now, we’re going to have to drive!” Nick threw the phone, onto the coffee table, and plopped into the recliner. AJ’s head whipped, to look in Nick’s direction.

“Oh heeeeeell FUCK no! There is no way on God’s green Earth…no…not happening…uh uh…you’ve lost your damn mind, if you think, for a second that I am going to…no!” AJ stood up, shaking his head vigorously.

“A road trip? Are you serious?” Howie’s eyes went wide, as he stared down, at Nick. “And, what do you mean all the flights are booked? Didn’t you buy the tickets a month ago?” Tilting his head, Howie rested a hand on his hip. We all turned, hearing Mason come in the front door.

“Hey…” he looked around, with a confused expression. I just shrugged my shoulders because I still wasn’t, entirely, sure what was going on. “What’s going on?”

“Nicky boy, here, forgot to book our flight and now we have to drive to mother fucking KENTUCKY! GOD, Carter! How could you forget?” AJ’s eyebrows were furrowed, as he paced the living room floor. Mason dropped his book bag and sat in the recliner, opposite of Nick’s.

“So wait a second, here.” I finally piped up, looking from AJ, to Howie. “Are you two…”

“Going? Yes.” Howie nodded, sitting down, next to me, on the couch.

“Not anymore!” AJ put his hands up, as if he were being held up, by a robber. He even had that ‘deer in the headlights’ look, on his face. “There is no way...in hell…that you…or anyone else…is going to get me…in a car…with Kevin…on a fucking road trip.”

“Let’s all take a deep breath and think about this. Maybe we can just cancel?”

“No. We can’t cancel the trip, Nick. This is something we have to do…for all of us.” Good old Howie, going into his reasonable peacemaker mode, again. “We don’t have time to argue about it, right now…we need to get going. The appointment is in 20 minutes.”

“You guys are going with us, to the counselor?” Mason asked, staring up, at Howie. All three of the older men nodded, at me and Mason. I let out a loud sigh, knowing this was going to be a disaster. Not only did everyone, in this room, have grudges or issues, towards Kevin, but there were pending issues between the rest of us, too. Mason and I both stood, and headed upstairs.

“This is going to suck.” I mumbled, as we reached the top landing.

“Tell me about it!” Mason shook his head and we parted ways, into our own rooms. I quickly changed into a pair of baggy black cargo jeans, and my favorite Miami Dolphins jersey. My glance caught sight, of my dad’s journal. Hmm, it’s just small enough…

“You boys ready?” A light knock, on my door, accompanied AJ’s voice. Snatching up the journal, I quickly slipped it into my right cargo pocket. You never know, if it might come in handy. Taking a look, in my mirror, I straightened my jersey, before opening the door and stepping into the hallway. I came face to face, with AJ.

“It’s going to be fine, BayBay.” He slung an arm over my shoulder. “It can’t be that bad, right?” I could see it, in his eyes, that he was as nervous, as I was. My thoughts drifted, for a moment, back to our unplanned Christmas vacation. There was no doubt, as to why AJ wasn’t looking forward to this, and I didn’t blame him, not one bit! Hopefully we will, all, work some things out and things will get better.

“Yeah, JayJay. We can all do this…it’s just talking…no big deal.” I nodded, trying, not only to convince him, but to convince myself, as well. Mason came out, of his room, and joined the conversation. He must have heard what was said, because he jumped right in.

“Right. We can do this.”

“I love both of you, boys.” AJ pulled us into a small group hug. I think all three, of us, needed a little pep talk and support, before we headed downstairs and to the appointment. When we descended the stairs, we found Nick and Howie patiently waiting. The five, of us, exchanged looks and headed out the door.

“Alright,” Nick cut the engine, once we arrived, and turned in his seat. Looking around to each, of us, he drew in a deep breath. “I know this sucks, for everyone. I’m with you all, on that. But it can’t be that bad, right? We’ll just go in there and…you know…talk…or whatever. We’re all men…we can handle it…not a big deal.”

“Yeah…we were kinda already talking about that.” I nodded, trying to force a smile. See…this is the last session, before the trip, and we knew that all heck was going to break loose. There were still a lot of unsaid things and it was now, or never. None of us were prepared, for this trip and this was our last shot. I’m pretty sure that everyone knew, since AJ and Howie were attending, this was going to be more intense than it has been, in the past. Were any of us prepared? Doubtful!

“Oh come on already. We need to suck it up and get this shit done!” AJ was resorting, to his tough ‘I have no emotions and I don’t give a shit’ attitude. He had that cold look, on his face, like he didn’t care about anything. If you ask me, I think it’s a defense mechanism. But…I’m not the counselor. All four doors opened, at the same time, as we climbed out. We gathered at the front, of the truck, and took a collective deep breath, before heading into the building.

“Come on in, gentlemen.” The woman greeted, us, holding open the door. Although this was, somewhat of, a normal routine…I had a really odd feeling about this session. Never the less, we all followed her, back to the room where Kevin was waiting.

“Hi.” Kevin immediately stood up, licking his lips, nervously. It was a rare thing, to see him nervous, but yet I’m sure he was preparing for everyone to gang up, on him and there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t happen, either.

“Hi dad.” Mason stepped to him, giving him a hug. Kevin leaned down, wrapping his arms around Mason, holding him tightly. AJ had already taken position in the back corner, of the room, with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Nick and Howie plopped into a couple of the plush chairs, as I just walked over to the window, looking out over the parking lot.

“Alright…let’s get started then.” The woman sat down, pen and paper in hand, looking around at us. “So…your trip begins Friday, correct?”

“Huh…maybe…” AJ scoffed, pursing his lips and shaking his head.

“Maybe?” The woman looked up, at him, confused. I closed my eyes, leaning my head back. This was where it all started…I could feel it, in the air. I bet you could cut the tension, with spoon…you wouldn’t even need a knife!

“Psh…Carter forgot to book the plane.” I was a bit shocked that AJ left it there, and didn’t elaborate on his feelings, about the road trip. Anyone could tell that he was just chomping, at the bit, wanting to unravel on someone…mainly Kevin.

“We’re going to drive.” Howie offered up, in a soft voice. All eyes turned, to him. Some were shocked, others were mad, and the rest were confused. The woman was about to speak, when Nick piped up.

“It was an accident…I meant to book the flight last month, but some things came up and I forgot.” Nick fiddled with his hands, looking like a scolded child. He wouldn’t look up, at anyone, and he seemed like he was preparing for a beating.

“It’s not much of a surprise.” Kevin spoke, lifting his head to look at Nick.

“Don’t start your shit Kevin!” AJ stepped away, from the corner, and stood between Kevin and Nick. I leaned against the window, preparing for things to start getting heated.

“I’m not starting anything, Alex…”

“It’s AJ, to you! Only my family and friends can call me Alex!” AJ pointed his finger, at Kevin, with the meanest look on his face. The woman just sat there, scribbling on her little notepad, not saying a word.

“Calm down, AJ.” Howie stepped up, resting a hand on AJ’s shoulder, trying to offer comfort or support.

“Calm down? Nice. Hm…how about you stop acting like everything is just fucking peachy, huh? We all know that you have some issues with Kevin…how about you stop acting like they don’t exist?” AJ had turned, shrugging off Howie’s hand, and was, now, looking directly at him. It seemed like a challenge, but I doubted that Howie would comply, with it.

“So, who doesn’t have an issue, with me?” Kevin asked, looking at the floor. AJ laughed, sarcastically, with fire in his eyes and responded in a harsh voice.

“Your wife, Kris…oh…wait a minute…” AJ smirked at his comment, knowing it would strike a cord, but everyone else looked on, in horror, as Kevin hopped up. Kevin’s face was red, as he stared down, at AJ.

“How dare you!” Kevin shouted, looking at AJ, with a matching fire, in his eyes. AJ stood firm…I think I, even, flinched more than AJ did. Their eyes burned into one another, for a few moments, and the tension grew even thicker.

“How dare I…how dare I? Are you fucking serious, dude? I’m not the one who…fucking…got…her…shot..Kevin!” AJ is known for hitting, below the belt, when he’s angry, but that was harsh.

“Ok…whoa…” Nick stepped between them, resting one hand on Kevin’s chest and the other on AJ’s. “Let’s not start tossing stuff into each other’s faces. It will only get ugly, if we do.”

“So now he decides to act like an adult.” Kevin mumbled under his breath. My eyes widened and I, immediately, stepped over to where Mason was sitting. This was, only, getting worse, with every passing moment. Every word was making things worse. Wasn’t that lady going to step in, and do her job? Any time would be good!

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nick took a step, toward AJ, and looked at Kevin, with wide eyes.

“Fuck…here we go!” AJ threw his hands, in the air and walked over, to the window.

“You know what I mean Nickolas.” You know, seriously, I thought this woman was supposed to be doing something, other than just sitting there.

“Oh that’s right…I’m a fuck up because I’m not your clone! Duh…I forgot again. Oh, but wait…Baylee responds so much better, when I act like myself! When I scream at him, he rebels against me, but when I support him, he listens. Perhaps there’s a fucking reason Brian picked me. Even if I am some stupid, goofy, childish and immature blonde…maybe I am doing something right!” Nick’s eyes portrayed hurt and rejection.

“Well Brian wasn’t always the best judge of character.” Kevin chuckled, looking away.

“EXCUSE ME?!?” Nick blurted. I stepped toward the group, my eyebrows furrowed and anger rose in my body. It was my turn to say my piece!

“You need to leave my dad out of this!” I shouted, as Kevin met my gaze. “I don’t know why you thought my dad was such a horrible parent…or why you think Nick is so bad…you’re worse than BOTH of them could ever be!”

“You don’t know the first thing about your father, Baylee, so just stay out of it!” Kevin glared at me, as Nick went to step between us. I huffed, my chest rising rapidly, as my eyes narrowed.

“Way to be a man, Kevin. Go ahead and knock down Brian, when he’s not even with us anymore, to defend himself. You call me immature! We’re supposed to let Brian’s memory live strong, for Baylee, not tear him down!” Nick rested his hand across my chest, protectively.

“It’s okay Nick.” I bent slightly, reaching into my cargo pocket. “For your information…Kevin…I know a lot about my dad!” Pulling the journal, out of my pocket, I slammed it into Kevin’s chest. “Read it and weep…you’ve been an ass for a long time. My dad was sick of you, too!”

“At least he’s trying to change!” Mason blurted, standing up, from the couch. “Not that my dad’s great, or anything.” He sighed, plopping back down. “At least your dad loved you.”

“I love you, Mason!” Kevin looked, at Mason, with wide eyes. All eyes were, now, on Mason, as he stood back up and walked to his father.

“Oh really? Could have fooled me! You never spend time with me…you’re always yelling at me…you even want to keep me away from all, of them, just because they don’t do everything the way you want them to! How is that fair, dad?” Mason’s eyes were watering, and I was feeling really so bad, for him. Kevin stood there, with his mouth hanging open. “Huh, dad? Got nothing to say? You chose your drugs, over me! You spent your time high, or yelling at everyone, instead of taking me to play ball! You weren’t even there for me when mom died! No! It was Baylee, Morgan and Nick that were there for me. But…it was supposed to be YOU! How am I supposed to believe that you love me, dad? All I want is…is for you…to love me!”

“Mason…I…” Kevin choked, his own eyes watering. Wrapping my arms around, a now sobbing, Mason, I gave him a tight hug.

“Oh yeah…looks like you aren’t as fucking perfect as you think, now are you, Kevin?” AJ piped back up, aggression dripping, from his voice.

“Sounds, to me, like maybe you might be the bad parent!” Nick argued, his voice rising, again. Both men stepped up, to Kevin, in a protective manner, separating Mason, and I, from Kevin.

“More like a shitty ass parent, if you ask me! How can you justify neglecting your own son?” AJ’s eyebrows furrowed, his face nearing Kevin’s. Things were really getting out of hand, as AJ, Nick and Kevin all started screaming, at the same time, choice words flying in every direction. I couldn’t make out what was being said, as their voices continued to increase, in volume.

“ENOUGH!” Howie’s voice carried over, the commotion, but still didn’t stop the verbal fight. He tried to step in, as Mason and I backed up. “I SAID ENOUGH OF THE, FUCKING, FIGHTING!” Howie screamed, his face turning as red, as the other men’s. “I have had enough of this shit!” The room went silent as Howie continued on. “I have spent too many, damn, years being the stupid peacemaker, and I am tired of it! All three, of you, need to just sit your asses down!”

“Yes, please…” the woman, finally spoke. “…we’ve gotten a little bit out, in the open. Now we are going to try to talk some more, in a more productive manner. Shall we?”

I was surprised when everyone sat down and shut up. Mason and I sat on each side, of Nick, as he, protectively, put his arms around us, again. Kevin was in the corner chair, away from the group. Howie and AJ sat in chairs that were by the couch. Everyone looked around, for a moment, before turning their attention, to the counselor.

You know, I'd tell you all about the rest of the counseling session but it's pointless, because everyone clammed up and wouldn’t say anything. The counselor was pushing for everyone to talk about their feelings, but Mason and I were the only ones who really said anything. I read a few lines from dad's journal, about how stressed he was because of Kevin's actions and how much he wished their relationship could go back to like it was, when they were younger. My uncle Kevin started crying when I was reading about how hurt my dad was. I think maybe he's starting to realize how badly he has hurt all of us. I guess this trip will tell, huh?

Other wise than that, everyone kept quiet and danced around the counselor's questions, beating around the bush and not really letting anything come out. I guess it's true, how men really hate to talk about their feelings. That would explain why the kids were the only ones really saying much…we aren’t men, yet. I don't want to be like that, when I am older. Maybe having a girl, as my best friend will help me to avoid being so shut off, about my feelings. I admit, I spill my guts to her, but you knew that, already.

I think that if they all, my dad included, would have just talked about things, to begin with, we wouldn’t all be in such a mess of emotions, now. They miss each other, I know they do. They used to be so close and I just know that they all want to be, like that, again. Too bad it won't happen unless they start talking things out. You know...I really didn't say a whole bunch, but for the small amount of talking that I did, I already feel a little better. Like maybe there is an end to this...and furthermore, maybe the end is near.

Sure, I might only be 15 years old, but I’m not a moron. I can see things that go on, and I have opinions on them. Maybe I’m wrong about some of this, but it just seems so obvious. I know you’re going to tell me that I need to take my own advice, but I think it’s long past time for them to forgive and forget.

Alright, setting all that aside, I have to focus. Here I am, freshly showered, and standing in my boxers, when I am supposed to be getting ready. Honestly, I’m not sure how, but I had completely forgotten about tonight’s school dance, until Morgan called me and hour ago. Now where did I put my pants? They’re around here somewhere…

“Baylee?” A soft voice accompanied the light knock. Go figure…she’s early.

“Come in Morgs, I’m basically descent.”

“What do you mean ‘basically’?” The door cracked open, slightly.

“I’m in my boxers, Morgan, it’s ok.” I snickered. She walked in once, when I was in just a towel and she about freaked out. I had told her I was covered…and I was…but, evidently, it wasn’t enough coverage. “AHA! I found them!” I held my pants, high, in the air, with a grin. I started hopping on one foot, my curls bouncing all over, as I tried to get my leg in.

“You’re a dork, Baylee.” She shook her head and sat on my bed. “Um…Bay?”

“Yeah?” I looked up, after I finally got my pants up. I fiddled with the clip thing, but this one doesn’t like…to…clip. I sighed, continuing to fiddle with the thing. I started mumbling, under my breath, “Why can’t dress pants have buttons, like normal pants?” Maybe some dress pants do…but these ones sure don’t! They’ve got some little metal clip thing that’s a bugger to get…

“For pete sake, Baylee!” Morgan sighed, getting on the floor and kneeling in front of me. I looked down at her, trying to see how she did it, as her fingers slipped into the waist band of my pants and, easily, clipped the thing. “There.” I slowly let out the breath, that I didn’t even realize, I was holding. She stood up and our eyes locked, just staring into each other.

“So…uh…” I shook my head, breaking our stare, and turned to my dresser, pulling out a white wife beater. “You were…gonna…ask me something?” I swallowed hard, pulling the wife beater over my head and turning back around. What had just happened there? I mean…I know she was helping me…but…I just…never mind.

“Oh…right…I was going to ask if maybe…could you…help me…a little?” She fiddled with her fingers, not looking up at me. Figures that she’d get all shy, on me, now.

“Sure…with what?” Knowing Morgan, she probably just needs help with the zipper, on her dress.

“This is going to sound dumb…but…”

“Spit it out.” I rolled my eyes and tilted my head, as I raised my eyebrows, waiting. Do all chicks beat around the bush, like this, because, this is a bit annoying. I mean, shouldn’t she know, already, that she can ask me, just about, anything?

“Well…see…I haven’t exactly mastered this whole new hair style thing. I mean…I can do the front and all, but the back…well…” Morgan trailed off, mid stutter. Letting a smirk cross my lips, I chuckled. I should have known. The poor girl isn’t used to doing all of that super girly stuff.

“Come on, then…I’m sure it can’t be too difficult.” Grabbing her hand, I pulled her up. “I’m guessing you brought everything we’ll need?” I watched her dig into her bag, pulling out a curling iron, hair spray, combs, mousse, and all sorts of other stuff. “Wow! I never knew there was so much stuff involved!”

“Yeah…neither did I. Do you…uh…do you think you can help?” The poor girl’s face pleaded with me. As if I would refuse, anyways, she is my best friend. Not that I knew if I could do any better, at this, than her. I’ve never, in my life, used a curling iron!

“It’s worth a shot. Plug the curling iron in, by the desk, then you can sit in the desk chair. I’ll do my best, but I can’t guarantee salon quality!” Laughing again, I looked over all the products she had set on the desk. A few minutes later, she was sitting in the chair and I was working, away, on her hair, as she gave me instructions. Who knew you had to curl curls? I snickered, at the thought. It was a, good, half hour later, before I finally finished curling her hair.

“Thanks Bay.” She smiled and gave me a hug, before heading to her own room, to finish getting ready. All I had to do was put on my dress shirt and fix my own hair, and then I would be ready. Once I was done, I headed downstairs. Nick was going to drop us off, at the school, where I would meet up with Allison. She was, kind of, my date for the dance, but the plan was really for me, Morgan, Allison, and Sean to all hang out as a group.

“Ready?” Nick startled me, making me jump up from the couch. I whipped around, seeing him, and AJ, standing in the doorway. Nick, immediately, started cracking up. “Well don’t you look handsome, Bay. Your dad would be beaming, right about now.”

“He’s right, on that note, BayBay. You do look very handsome!” He faked sniffles and continued, “Our little boy is growing up…so…so faaaaaast!” Sniffling again, he rested his face on Nick’s shoulder. Before I could react, Nick whipped out a camera and snapped a picture.

“Could you, at least, warn me, Nick? I mean, my eyes were probably closed!” I raised a brow, and he just chuckled. I straightened my shirt and posed, for him to take a nice picture.

“I’ll have to get one, once Morgan comes down.” Nick grinned, practically, skipping into the other room. I swear that man acts like he really was my father. He dresses up for my big games, he cracks down on me when I slack off, and he gets all giddy about things like a school dance.

“BAYLEE!” Morgan shouted, from upstairs. Walking toward the stairs, I looked up, but didn’t see her. Nick and AJ came up behind me, looking concerned. “I don’t think I like this dress.”

“Oh, is that all? You always say that, Morgan. Just come down here and let me see.” Rolling my eyes, I shoved my hands into my pockets. This was rather typical, for her, really. She’s never been one to wear what was ‘in style’, but yet she tends to worry about what people think.

“Morgan, honey, I’m sure you look beautiful. You always do,” AJ offered some comforting words. I told you that my family loved her. All of the guys enjoyed having her around, and were always willing to offer her some kind words, to ease her insecurities.

“Okay…just…don’t laugh!” She shouted, poking her head around the corner. Visibly taking a deep breath she stepped to the top stair. “I saw it, in the store, and I liked it…but…now, I’m not so sure.” I stood frozen, looking over the floor length black dress. It hugged her body, a slit running up the side, to just above her knee. Little sparkles made a flowered design around the bottom and up the side. The dress was hot!

“I uh…it’s…um…you uh…” Since when do I stutter, around Morgan? It’s just Morgan! She slowly started down the stairs, gripping the rail, trying not to fall in her strappy black heels. When I was helping her, with her hair, I thought she was going to leave it, the way it was, but she had pulled in up into an elegant type of French twist thing, leaving several curls out to frame her face.

“You look just fine, Morgan.” Nick piped up, covering my dumb stammering.

“Dude…Nickolas!” AJ smacked him on the arm and rolled his eyes. “You never tell a woman that she looks ‘fine’. I know you think that’s a compliment, but in female terms, that’s as bad as saying she looks like a blind horse that got dressed in the dark! Haven’t I taught you anything?” When she reached the bottom, of the stairs, AJ pulled her into a hug, “You look stunning, honey…absolutely beautiful…and the dress is perfect!” AJ smiled warmly, as I continued to stare, at my best friend, like a complete doufus! Silver earrings dangled, from her ears, and matched the dainty necklace that was settled in the ‘V’ of her dress. Overall…yeah…she looked like she had just stepped out of a high fashion magazine…or maybe even off the red carpet.

“That’s what I meant.” Nick offered her a cheesy smile that made her laugh. She stepped into Nick’s arms, next, for a hug. Look at me…I’m still standing here gawking! Snap out of it, Baylee Thomas…geesh!

“…Bay…” AJ cleared his throat, snapping me out of my trance. It’s not my fault that I’ve never seen her look, like this, before. I was used to my, good old, jeans and a t-shirt Morgan…my vintage clothing Morgan…my, shy, computer wiz Morgan…my out of the ordinary Morgan…my never follows the trends Morgan…not this put together, in style, cheerleading, confident, ‘can’t take my eyes of her’ Morgan. This was going to take a great deal, of getting used to!

“You uh…wow Morgan…I um…wow…” Oh yeah…that was smooth! I wouldn’t blame her if she came up and smacked me! I’m her best friend for cripe sakes…I shouldn’t be practically drooling. Now, I’ve told you before that I have always thought she was pretty…not the amazing, knock your socks off, take your breath away, pretty…but still pretty, none the less. Well…so much for that because I definitely lost my breath tonight! Now, she’s, not only, an amazingly beautiful person, on the inside, but she looks it, on the outside, too.

“Nice, Baylee…that’s more of a compliment than Nick, or I, could have ever given!” AJ cracked up, making my cheeks flush a bit. There’s nothing like having a father figure point out your most embarrassing moments. I was going to have to work, overtime, at the dance tonight, because every guy in school will flock, to her! Good thing I would have Sean for backup!

“So…it’s okay?” Insecurity filled her voice, as she bit her bottom lip and looked at each of us. Nick smiled widely and nodded.

“It’s more than okay, Morgan, honey.” AJ re-stated, putting an arm around her. “Now…we need some pictures…no…a lot of pictures. Ah, to be young again! Enjoy it while it lasts…before you know it, you’ll be looking at the pictures, wondering where the time went!” Morgan came over, standing next to me, as AJ and Nick stepped back to take pictures. I swallowed the lump, in my throat, and slipped my arm around her waist. We smiled for a few pictures and then I turned to her.

“Morgan…”

“Yeah, Bay?” She bit at her lip again. I think she was nervous, but I’m not sure why she would have been. The guys already complimented her enough, to make her feel confident.

“Um…” I tried to ignore the flash that went off, and continued. “…you really do look…pretty…I mean…” Pretty? Was that the best that I could come up with? How pathetic. I drew in a deep breath and started over. “You look great, Morgan…you really do.” A deep blush covered her cheeks, but the nervous look went away. I leaned in and kissed her cheek, causing another flash to go off. What is it with them? They are worse than real parents!

“Thank you, Baylee. That means a lot, coming from you.” A bright smile crept onto her face…and another flash went off. It means a lot, coming from me? What does that mean?

“Seriously, guys…enough with the pictures, already!” I looked over, at them, giving them a playful scowl. Taking Morgan’s hand, I lead her to the door, as Nick grabbed his keys.

We all climbed into the car and headed to the school. As we pulled up, I immediately, spotted Sean and Allison, waiting for us. Nick pulled up, to the curb and I got out, holding my hand out, to help Morgan. Hey…Nick might not be Mr. Casanova, but with AJ’s help, he had taught me how to be a gentleman. She took my hand, and scooted toward me, letting one leg slide out of the car.

“Hey Baylee!” Sean greeted, happily, as he came toward me, Allison following behind. I firmly held Morgan’s hand, as she slipped, the rest of the way, out of the car and stood up. “Holy…” Sean’s voice cracked, and squeaked, at the same time then he went silent. His jaw dropped and his eyes were glued open, as he looked over her. HA! I wasn’t the only best friend that had that ‘eye popping, lose your breath’ reaction. Although, he has an excuse, because he has a huge crush on her. So where does that leave me…what’s my excuse?

“You look so pretty, Morgan!” Allison beamed, giving her a hug. Allison’s dress was very similar, to Morgan’s, except it was a light pink and only knee length. Her long hair was in a nice French braid that hung down her back. So, basically, they both looked amazing! How were Sean, and I, going to survive the night?

“Shall we?” I asked, nudging Sean, with my elbow. His head snapped, to look at me, and then nodded. I placed Allison’s hand onto my forearm. Sean did the same, with Morgan’s hand, and we escorted the girls, to the front door.

The four, of us, danced in a group for most of the night, except when slow songs played. Morgan danced, with me, for only two slow dances…the rest I spent dancing, with Alli. The yearbook editor even took a couple group pictures, of us…Sean on one end, then Morgan, me, and Allison. Sean had his arm around Morgan’s shoulders, and I had my arms around both girls’ waists. Morgan and I were pulled aside, later, for team photos, too. We all paired up, like usual, the guys standing behind their ‘assigned’ cheerleader. The cheerleaders stood, their backs leaning against us, as we set our hands, on their hips. In her heels, Morgan was, pretty close to, my height, so I rested my cheek against hers. Three flashes went off, before we all broke apart.

The dance was great and we all had a blast, but we were really worn out, by the time we got home. Guess what, though…I kissed Allison, for the first time, tonight. It wasn’t anything major, just a quick good night kiss, but it was nice ending, to the night.

Crawling into bed, I glanced at dad’s journal. Reaching out my hand, I trace my fingers over the binding. “I miss you guys…I wish you where here, tonight, so you could have seen me. Nick and AJ said that I looked really handsome, and that you would have been beaming. They took a lot of pictures. I’m sure mom would have cried. Morgan was beautiful, tonight, and I think I may have a girlfriend, now. Her name is Allison…I think you, both, would like her.” I let out a long yawn and snuggled, down, into my blankets. “Well…I love you…good night.” I flipped off my bed side lamp, and closed my eyes, falling asleep quickly.

I held open the door of Slick Sammy Snake’s Sinister Sodas, Subs, Soups & Salads, for Morgan and Allison then Sean followed me in to the large restaurant. It was a popular teen hang out with an outrageous name, pool tables, air hockey, fuse ball, pinball games, and other arcade games, not to mention the awesome food! The walls were bright green and splattered with other brightly colored paints. There were colored lights that hung from the ceiling. The tables were tall, and your feet hung a foot off the ground, when you sat in the stools. But the coolest thing was the two shelves that went all the way around the room, near the ceiling…they were lined with every possible hot sauce known to man, from all different countries. S8, as we called it, always smelled like an odd mixture of toasted subs and text books, and there was rarely ever an adult around, except the couple that owned the place.

“Man, have I missed this place! It’s been weeks since we’ve come here!” Sean smiled, sitting on a stool, at the back corner table. He was right…it had been almost a month, since we’d come here, to hang out. We used to be here, almost, every afternoon.

“Me too!” Morgan smiled, sitting next to Sean. We all picked up menus that were standing in the center, of the table, between salt, pepper and parmesan shakers. I already knew what I was going to order…the toasted turkey club, with all the fixin’s and curly fries. My stomach rumbled, just thinking, about it.

“What can I get for you kids, today?” Judy asked, smiling at us, holding a notepad, in her hand.

“Um…I’d like the chicken alfredo sub, please, with chips and a Coke.” Allison smiled, setting the menu back in its spot. Everyone’s eyes turned to Morgan, who looked confused. I rolled my eyes, knowing she couldn’t decide what she wanted. Haven’t I mentioned her inability, to decide what she wants to eat, before?

“Oh geesh, Morgan.” I shook my head and looked, back, up, at Judy. “She’ll have the ham and swiss toasted sub, hold the mustard and onion. Let’s see…pair that with some crinkle fries, a Coke and a Strawberry shake. I’ll have the toasted turkey club, no onion, with curly fries, a Coke, and a chocolate shake. Can we have the shakes come out with the food, instead of with the drinks, please? We’ll also take an order of fried mushrooms and one of mozzarella sticks, for the table to share.” I nodded, satisfied, and set the menu in its place.

“Sure thing, dear.” Judy nodded, scribbling our orders onto her little tablet.

“Nicely done, Bay!” Sean snickered, setting his menu back and looking up. “I’ll have the same as Baylee, but no shake.” Judy smiled widely and chuckled, as she walked away. “Come on Morgan, I challenge you to a game of pool!” Sean hopped up, tugging on Morgan’s arm.

“Okay…okay…I’m coming! Good grief.” Shaking her head, she slid off the stool, and followed Sean. They went to the closest pool table and Sean started racking up the balls. I stared at them for a few moments, before Allison’s voice brought me back.

“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” Ok…why did she have to bring up the trip? That was the last thing that I wanted to think about, right now!

“Yeah…it’s going to be jam packed with arguments and drama!” I gave her a wide smile and a mock excitement, in my voice. She giggled, knowing that I was faking the enthusiasm. “Seriously, I’ll probably come back with gray hair, from all the stress! We’re going to be stuck in a van, together, for the whole drive. Psh…we’ll be lucky if no one gets killed.”

“Oh, maybe it won’t be so bad. It could be productive, you know.” She offered a sweet smile and a pat, on my shoulder. Obviously, she didn’t know the guys!

“Yeah…well…you’d think differently, if you knew the guys. They aren’t exactly good at controlling themselves, their mouths, or their attitudes. They fight like brothers, because they practically are brothers. They’ve been around each other, non stop, for like….25 years, or something.” I tried to do the math, in my head, but it wasn’t working…I just knew they had been together for a long time!

“Holy…wow!” Looking at me with wide eyes, she set down the napkin she had been fiddling with.

“Yeah, it’s crazy.” Glancing over, at the pool table, I saw Morgan waiting her turn to shoot. The pool stick stood on its end, with her hands resting on top, of it, and her eyes are glued to me, but she looked away, when she saw me face her. There is definitely something up with her. I wonder if she has talked to her mom, about the whole grade skipping thing, yet. Or maybe she’s just thinking about me being gone, for a week.

Sean and Morgan joined us, again, after they finished their game. Morgan was shoving him, saying he cheated, as they sat, back, on their stools. It was only a few moments, later, before our food arrived and, boy, did it look awesome! Our conversation died down a bit, as we all dug into our food. Let me tell you, the food here tastes as good as it looks and smells…and that’s pretty darn good!

“They do that all the time…you’ll get used to it.” Sean snickered, as I reached across the table, to switch my chocolate shake, for Morgan’s strawberry.

“We share everything.” Looking at Allison, I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a lopsided grin. She grinned back, at me, and let go of a soft giggle.

“That’s why everyone thinks you two are dating.” I lifted a brow, as Sean burst into a fit, of laughter. “Well…it’s true! At one point, or another, everyone has thought it!”

“Oh…well my sister, and I, are the same way.” Allison spoke up, leaning forward, to rest her forearms on the table. “It just comes with being so super close, to someone.” I smiled, as she shrugged her shoulders, like it was completely normal. Maybe it is completely normal. Then again, I am really close to Sean, too…but I would never share a milkshake with him. The thought of sharing a straw, with him, gives me the heebie jeebies!

“Well…the perception of us dating is completely preposterous! I mean, how absurd…”

“Oh great…here she goes.” Sean mumbled, as Morgan continued on, rolling her eyes and waving her hands around.

“..to assume…that me and…and you…” Morgan pointed a finger at me, as we all sat with our eyes glues to her. “After all, it’s not like you like me…or I like you! It’s incredulous to conclude something that harebrained! Just because…”

“Morgan…” My eyebrows rose, as I looked at her, trying to stop her rambling. I wasn’t quite sure why she was rambling. She usually only rambles when she’s nervous. Maybe she’s worried about Allison believing that there is something between us.

“…we’re close friends, doesn’t condone people thinking such idiotic concepts. I swear high school is satiated with inequitable rumors and gossip!” Sean and I looked at each other, rolling our eyes, yet, again.

“Morgan…” Both of us tried to get her attention, but it didn’t seem to be working. I let out a sigh, tilting my head, as Sean tried to suppress his laughter. Allison just looked from me, to Sean, and then to Morgan, not really sure what to think.

“I can’t even fathom the idea, really…”

“The last time she talked like this…” Sean leaned over, whispering to Allison, with a grin. “…she joined the cheerleading squad.” Allison looked to me, with a question, in her eyes. I just grinned and nodded.

“Just the thought, of you liking me…like that?” Morgan giggled at herself.

“MORGAN!!!” Sean and I shouted, finally grabbing her attention and bringing it back, to the table. She looked at each, of us, and then turned a light shade, of pink.

“Right…sorry…” Morgan giggled again, grabbing her shake and gulping it down. Judy came and cleared our plates, from the table, helping to take the focus off poor Morgan. I’m not sure what her issue is, but I will have to worry about that later.

“Hey, BayBay!” AJ’s voice caught me, by surprise, as he came up, to our table. He is, probably, the only adult that could walk into S8, and not look out of place. The wife beater, he was wearing, showed off all of his tattoos. Man, I still want one!

“Uh…hi JayJay…what are you doing here?” I furrowed my eyebrows, in confusion, wondering what he wanted. Allison looked at him in…awe? Astonishment? Shock? I wasn’t sure what was going through her head, but her eyes were wide, as she looked him over.

“Psh…you’ll never guess! Hell…it’s like a historic event!” He smirked, leaning his hands onto the table. “You gotta head home. You might as well bring the whole group, even...call the basketball team…the football team…any of your friends, and tell them to get to the house.”

“Why? What’s going on?” I lifted a brow, still looking at him, in utter confusion.

“What do you mean, ‘a historic event’, AJ?” Morgan piped up, as he slug an arm, over her shoulders. He was grinning from ear, to ear, as he looked from her, to me. Extending an arm in front, of him, he got a very dramatic look, on his face.

“House party at the Carter, Littrell, Richardson house!”

“WHAT?!?” Morgan, Sean, and I looked at him, with our jaws dropped and eyes wide. Was he serious? A party? At our house? No…not possible!

“YES! Can you believe it? All the Carter kids are there, already. So is Howie, Leigh, Riley, and, just about, everyone else that you can think of.” Nodding his head, he snagged a drink, of my Coke. “So, get your butts up, and let’s go, already!”

“Are you serious? Nick? Allowing…hosting…a party?” I looked at him with a raised brow, confused, but then turned serious. “What did you do…hit him on the head or get him drunk?”

“Never mind how it happened, BayBay! The point is that it’s happening.” AJ held out his hands, spreading his fingers and widening his eyes, like he was waiting for us to jump up. Luckily, for him, we did just that.

AJ swung by Allison’s house, and then Sean’s, so they could get any essential items. Next thing, I knew, we were at the house, pulling into the driveway. I was surprised to see so many cars, there. AJ was actually right…everyone was here! We all got out of AJ’s Escalade and could hear the music floating, from the house. Sean, Morgan, and I all ran toward the front door, with AJ and Allison close behind. Bursting through, the door, I was immediately attacked, by Aaron.

“BAYLEE!”

“AARON!” We wrestled, a bit, before he was dragged off, by his new girlfriend, Sarah. I turned around, facing my friends, who were standing behind me and talking amongst themselves. “Come on, guys, let’s paaaaaartaaaaay!”

“Hey, I’m going to head, to my room, and change, first.” Morgan grinned, looking to Allison. “Come on, Alli, I’ll show you around.” After Allison nodded, in agreement, the two girls made their way upstairs.

“Psh…girls.” Sean rolled his eyes, as we weaved through the crowd. I greeted everyone, on the way to the living room. I was shocked to see Kevin lounging, on the couch, watching the activities around him. Howie and Nick were goofing off, by the pool, and Mason was talking with some of his own friends. Looking to the other side, of the room, I caught a glimpse of AJ and Riley talking to Leigh and Angel. Scoping out the, rest of, the crowd, I took note of who was all there. The place was literally crawling, with people!

“Hey guys!” Morgan’s voice announced, that the two girls had rejoined us. I turned around, to find them both in swimsuits and shorts. Sean and I stood, for a moment, just staring at them. Is it just me, or have my hormonal thoughts been kicking in, a lot, lately?!?

“Feel better?” I asked, with a smirk. Who cares, if they felt better? They, definitely, looked better…well…not really better…but hotter. Does that even make sense? Hmm. Anyways, we headed out to the backyard and grabbed some snacks.

“You’re a dork, Baylee!” Morgan chuckled, giving my shoulder a shove. Lifting my shirt, over my head, I got a very familiar idea. A wicked smile crept to my lips, as I grabbed a hold, of her arms. “NO! Don’t you dare!” She fought against me, as we neared the pool.

“So it begins…” Sean let out a loud laugh, looking at Allison. I continued to wrestle, with Morgan, as I saw Sean running toward us. “Oh heck…” He laughed, as he ran and jumped, into the pool, causing a large splash that soaked me, Morgan, and Allison.

“Baylee Thomas!” A squeal escaped Morgan’s lips, as I spun her around. “WYLEE LITTRELL!!!” With one last move, I sent Morgan flying, into the pool. Unfortunately, for me, she pulled me in, with her. We both surfaced, coughing and gasping for air, as we started cracking up.

“Come on in, Alli. Nick always keeps the water nice, and warm!” I looked up at her, holding out my hand. The breath left my lungs, as Sean jumped onto my back, sending us, both, back under the water. Before coming, to the surface, I felt someone enter the water, close to us.

“WATER FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” Sean screamed, as we came back up.

“Get ready…” I warned Allison, who was now right beside me. I don’t think she knew what was coming, until people, from every direction, started running toward the pool. I watched AJ fly over us, executing a very nice cannon ball. Aaron and Mason were next, landing close to us. I looked around seeing people jump in, one, by one. BJ…then Howie…Riley and Leigh…Leslie and her boyfriend Mark…

“AAAAAAAAH…AH AH AH AAAAAAAH!!!!” Nick’s voice bellowed above the commotion, as he came barreling, out of the house. My eyes went wide, as he got closer, to the pool.

“CLEAR THE AREA!” Morgan and I shouted, trying to get away from the spot that Nick was aiming for. It was all in vein, though, because Nick landed only a few feet away, sending a wave, of water, over us. Sean, Morgan, Aaron, and I all began to splash water, at Nick. It didn’t take long, for everyone to start in, on the fight.

The night air was filled with the sounds of screams, and laughter, as the all out water fight, raged on. Everywhere I looked, people were wrestling and splashing…jumping on each other’s backs and dunking others under, the water. If you were in the pool…you weren’t safe!

“Baylee…look!” Mason came up to me, nodding his head, toward the lounge chairs that sat beside the pool. Looking over, I saw Kevin watching the activities. Both of us got wide grins, having the same idea. Forcing our way, to the other side of the pool, we got out and headed his way. His attention was focused, on the people, in the pool, and he didn’t even see us coming.

“We love you!” We smiled, as we gave him big, wet, hugs. His eyes went wide, as he realized that he was now soaked. Narrowing his eyes, the corner, of his mouth, went up into a smirk.

“Run Mason!” I screamed, as Kevin got up, from his seat. Chasing us around the pool, his smirk grew into a full smile. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting. He didn’t yell, or get mad. Was he…actually…participating in the fun?!?

“I’ll get you, two!” His words hit my ears, just as I jumped, back, into the pool. Mason was close behind me, as we escaped, from him. Or so I thought. Coming up, out of the water, I was shocked to see Kevin right in front, of me. Playfully grabbing me, he wrestled me back, under the water. Mason hopped onto his back, as AJ appeared beside me. Before I knew what was going on, Nick and Howie were by our sides, too. All, of us, ganged up, on Kevin, pushing him under.

“Let me in, on this!” Aaron demanded, pushing through AJ and Howie. Suddenly, it was an all out brawl, between the seven, of us. The battle raged on, around us, as we wrestled, in the water. It was a good half hour, before everyone started to climb out, of the pool. I rejoined Allison, Morgan, and Sean, as we all stretched out on the tile, by the pool.

The rest of the night was just as eventful, but around midnight, Nick began ushering people out. After all, it was still a school night. I was thankful for a relaxed, fun filled, night. Quite honestly, I think we all needed it. Heck…even Kevin loosened up, a lot. Who knew? I guess he really was starting to get back to his old self. It was a part, of him, that I had never really seen, but I liked it. I had kissed Allison ‘good night’, before AJ took her and Sean home.

“Good night, guys.” I smiled, before turning to give Nick, Howie, AJ, and Kevin all a hug. Then, I kissed Leigh, Riley and Morgan, all, on the cheeks. You shouldn’t be surprised that Morgan was just going to stay in her room, here, tonight. The three, of us, kids, headed upstairs. I gave Morgan and Mason, each, a hug, as we separated, to our rooms.

Changing and laying down, in bed, I thought about what a good night, it had been. I was a lot more relaxed, and not so nervous, about the trip. Sure, it was still going to be stressful, but at least, I knew that everyone was still capable of letting loose and getting along. Turning out my light, I covered up. I said a soft ‘good night’ to my parents and God, before allowing my eyes to close and sleep, to overcome me.

I stood on the front step, Friday afternoon, leaning against the pillar with my arms crossed and head tilted. A light breeze blew my curls around, as I let out another heavy sigh and tilted my head to the other side. Dark blue lens sunglasses shielded my eyes, from the bright sun and matched perfectly, with my dark blue jean shorts and black football jersey. My bags were packed and sitting, one on each side, of me. Pure irritation was written, all over my face, as I stood impatiently waiting. I had said my ‘good-bye’s to Allison and Sean after school. Morgan, on the other hand, had just left, not even, ten minutes ago. I glanced, down, at Mason, who was sitting on the step, head in his hands, as we waited for the adults to stop arguing.

Obviously, last night’s carefree and relaxed atmosphere was short lived. When I left, for school, this morning, everyone was still in fairly good spirits. By the time I got home, however…Morgan and I walked into an extremely tense house. Looking around, we decided it was best to just head to my room. Go figure, she had to help me finish packing. I guess I was putting it off as long as I could. The argument, before me, was exactly the reason why I was dreading this trip.

“Okay…so I’ll drive.” Nick stated, putting his two bags into the, back of, the rental van. There was no way all six, of us, would fit into any of the vehicles that the guys owned...so, Nick had no choice but to rent a van. How many famous people, do you know that, drive a mini van? Definitely not any of the Backstreet Boys…I can tell you that!

“Screw that!” AJ, huffed, tossing his own bags into the back, grabbing the keys from Nick’s hand. “Dude…Nick…if you drive we’ll end up stopping a hundred times, getting lost, re-finding our way, stopping another hundred times, missing our exit, taking a wrong turn, stopping more, and then ending our asses all the way, the fuck, up in Canada somewhere.” Nick’s eyes were wide, with offense, at AJ’s hostility. AJ motioned to everyone, but Nick, as he continued. “But none, of us, will even be awake to know the damn difference. Why? Because we’ll be passed the fuck out, from the toxic ass gas that’s going to be drifting from you, since you just ate an entire bag of them damn Barbeque Pork Rinds! Heeeeeeeell FUCK no…I’m driving!”

“I can drive.” Howie offered, with a shrug. Needless to say, nerves were on edge. AJ was the worst, but we were all tense and anxious. I was, a bit, taken back, by the level of AJ’s hostility. He wasn’t normally like this to anyone, besides Kevin.

“Yeah right Howard. If Nick drives, we’ll end up in Canada, but at least we’ll get there within two days. You drive…and we’ll get to Kentucky fine, but it won’t be until next month, because you drive like an old lady. I’m driving…end of discussion. Come on, boys, load up!”

“Somebody is a bit hostile, today.” I mumbled, to Mason, as I bent over and picked up my bags. “Shot gun!” My voice rose above the dying commotion, as I headed toward the van. Slipping my duffel bags into the back, I kept out my backpack. Since it was going to be a long drive, I brought along some of my school work, a couple books that Morgan gave me to read, my music player, my dad’s journal, and some magazines that I snagged from Morgan’s room.

Not much else was said, as everyone loaded into the van. I slouched, down, into the passenger seat, as AJ pulled out of the driveway. Nick and Mason were sitting right behind us, while Kevin and Howie sat in the far back. Everyone remained quiet, as AJ pulled onto the main road. After the first half hour, of silence, I reached into my bag and pulled out a book. A very typical ‘Morgan’ type book, too…Shakespeare. Two Gentlemen of Verona, to be exact.

Cease to persuade, my loving Proteus;
Home-keeping youth have ever homely wits;
Wer’t not affection chains thy tender days
To the sweet glances of they honour’d love,
I rather would entreat thy company
To see the wonders of the world abroad,
Than, living dully sluggardiz’d at home,
Wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness.
But since thou lov’st, lovestill, and thrive therein,
Even as I would, when I to love begin.

I blinked rapidly, staring at the page, with a lifted brow. What…in the halibut…is that?!? Was I supposed to understand what that meant? Because I, most certainly, did not! After closing the book, I stuffed it into my bag. Just that paragraph was enough, to give me a headache!

“Sweet! It’s the ‘Five O’clock Flashback!” AJ grinned, his hostility subsiding, as he turned up the radio. At least, this was something that everyone should enjoy…to some extent, or another. Some, of the songs, I wasn’t too familiar with, but others I knew by heart. The hour long segment was complied of, a vast mix of, 80’s, 90’s and 00’s music. The first bars, of a very familiar song, floated through the speakers. By the time the chorus filled the van, everyone was, at least, lip syncing along…even Kevin!

“I like big butts, and I can not lie! All, you otha brotha’s can’t deny…when a girl walks in, with a itty bitty waist and a round thing, in yo face, you get sprung!” Mason and I were singing, at the top, of our lungs, while everyone else only lip synced or sung softly. AJ turned and looked at me, with a cocked brow, turning down the radio.

“First of all…you two boys don’t know the first thing, about being sprung! Secondly…you all are way too white, to sing that song!” AJ snickered, shaking his head.

“And all the girlie say…I’m pretty fly…” I sang out, peeking back, at Mason.

“FOR A WHITE GUY!” Mason chimed in, with me, and then started cracking up.

“Besides, AJ…dude…you’re white, too!” Nick leaned forward, looking at AJ. “OW! Mom says it’s not okay, to hit!” He pouted, rubbing the spot, on his forehead, where AJ had smacked him.

Nick sat back and everyone fell, back, into a silence. The radio was the only thing that penetrated that silence, and it was only playing softly, now. It felt a bit awkward, although not quite as tense, as it was before we left. None the less, the silence was annoying! Digging out my music player, I slouched, down, in my seat. Leaning against the door, I propped my elbow on the armrest, and closed my eyes.

“Baylee…Baylee…yo, BayBay, wake up!” AJ’s voice broke my thoughts…well, I guess, they were dreams. I hadn’t even realized that I fell asleep. Looking around, I see that it is dark, and we are stopped at a gas station. The parking lot is nearly deserted. There is only one street light, and it is flickering inconsistently.

“Where are we?” I let out a long yawn, walking around to where AJ stood, pumping gas. Obviously, everyone else was in the store, already, looking for snacks and other road trip supplies. Glancing at my watch, I see that we had been on the road for nearly 7 hours!

“Beats me.” He shrugged, leaning against the van, also letting out a yawn. “We’re going to find a place, for the night. Probably not in this rinky dink town, but maybe a few exits down, from here.”

“Cool. I could go for snuggling up, in a comfortable bed, right about now!” I tried to stretch out the kink, in my neck, as he set the pump back. We began walking toward the building and were only halfway there, when I tripped over a hole that I didn’t see, and bumped into AJ. Give me a break…it was dark out!

“Watch it, BayBay!” He laughed, giving me a shove. Needless to say, I shoved him right back! Grabbing me, by the waist, he initiated a wresting match. We were wrestling for a good five minutes, before the unthinkable happened.

“You let that poor boy go, you big brute!” We were both caught, of guard, by the little old lady rushing towards us. Her voice cracked, as she screamed. AJ still had a hold, of my waist, as we looked at her, with confusion. “Let him go, I say!” She looked like a frail woman, with snow white hair, and a cane helping her to walk. Extending her other arm, behind her, she brought it back around, to hit AJ with her purse! “You hoodlum! You ought to be ashamed of yourself…attacking an innocent child!” The woman kept swinging, hitting AJ repeatedly, on the arms and head. Neither one, of us, knew what to do, to make her stop.

“OW! Stop!” AJ pleaded, holding his hands up, trying to shield himself from the attack. The woman wobbled, unsteadily, as she picked up her cane and poked at him, still swinging her purse. I held up my hands, too, trying to get between them. It just wasn’t working out well.

“You people make me sick!” I saw her purse hit AJ, in the eye. He doubled over, clutching his hand, over it. “How dare you lay a hand, on that poor boy?”

“He wasn’t doing anything wrong, ma’am!” I tried stepping between them, again. “Ma’am…please…he’s not…” I grabbed AJ’s arm and we started to walk away, but the woman hobbled after us. AJ’s eye was swelling quickly, making it hard for him to see.

“Listen to Baylee!” AJ pleaded, receiving another blow, over the head. He bent back over, with one hand over his eye and the other gripping his head, as he stopped walking. “He’s my NEPHEW!”

“What the hell is going on?” Nick walked out, of the gas station, and rushed toward us. Geez! It took long enough! “Is there something wrong here?”

“YES!” The old woman shouted, hitting AJ on the arm. “This hoodlum was attacking that poor boy!”

“Ma’am…” Kevin stepped up, resting a gentle hand on the woman’s shoulder. You’d figure this would be a nice gesture that would help to calm the woman. Oh no! You’d be wrong, to think that!

“Get your filthy mitts off me!” She turned, now hitting Kevin, on the arm. Wasn’t this a mess! Shouldn’t we just walk away? I mean, how fast could the poor woman even walk? I was about to suggest this, when a guy around my age, came flying out of the building.

“NANA!” He ran up, grabbing the woman’s purse, from her hand. “What are you doing, Nana? I waited for you and then I come out here, to find you beating up on some…” Looking around, the guy’s jaw dropped then a smirk formed, on his face. “Oh Nana, mom and sis are gonna be maaaaad, at you!”

“But he was…” Pointing her finger at AJ, she looked at the boy, her voice cracking again.

“Nana! Enough, already.” Rolling his eyes, he turned, to face us. “I’m really sorry, Nana…well…she’s not always all there. I’m Anthony, and you’re…” He paused, looking at me. We all stood there, a few feet away, just looking at them. AJ was groaning, still holding his, now, purple eye. “You guys already have a place, to stay, for tonight? I know you aren’t from around here.”

“Actually, we haven’t found rooms yet.” Howie stepped forward, raising a brow. “Do you happen to know any nice places, close by?”

“Yeah.” Anthony chuckled, tenderly grabbing his Nana’s arm. “Actually, my mom owns a bed and breakfast, right down the street. I’m sure she’ll let out some rooms, to you, for free…seeing as, she’s a big fan of your music, Nana beat on you and my sister is all goo-goo over you.” He smiled, looking directly, at me.

A short time, later, we arrived at the bed and breakfast and were introduced to Anthony’s mom and sister, Elisa. Neither of them had the capability, to speak, at first, but soon they were very chatty. His mom appeared to be infatuated, with Nick, while his sister kept her eyes, on me. We were shown around the small place, before all sitting in the little lounge area. Nana had apologized to AJ and Kevin, for hitting them, and then left the room. When she came back, she walked up behind AJ and slapped a T-bone steak, on his eye. Mason and I tried not to laugh, at the expression on his face. Seriously…it was a priceless mixture of pain and disgust.

One, by one, we all headed for bed. The plan was to get, back, on the road as early, as possible. Knowing this group, though, that could mean noon! Even though I slept, quite a bit, in the van, I was still exhausted. Mason and I were sharing a room and he was already snoring loudly, as I dug into my backpack. Pulling out the leather book that I was so familiar with, I decided to read a little, before going to sleep, so I settled into the soft bed and flipped to the spot, where I left off.

February 27, 2005

Dear Journal –

Today was not that great, of a day. Leighanne and I got into a huge fight, this morning. I am in the guest room, right now, as she has forbidden me, from the bedroom, for tonight. Who knew something as silly, as a broken dishwasher, could escalate into something so big? I promised her, two days ago, that I would have it fixed this week. I called around, but couldn’t get someone to come look at it, until Tuesday. Obviously, she wants it fixed now, and I don’t entirely blame her. I hate doing dishes just as much, as the next guy! But what can I do? Nothing! Today is Sunday…I couldn’t get a hold of a repair guy, no matter how much I wanted to!

So one thing, lead to another and next thing I knew…I had no clue what the argument was even about, anymore! It jumped around so quickly, it could have made my head spin! There was something about her mother…then the credit card…car insurance…wanting a new house…and I don’t even know what else! We were both so upset, that nothing either of us said, made any sense. Words flew left, and right, but nothing added up.

You know…as I go back and read some of my entries, this one included, I feel like I make her out to be a horrible person. I suppose it’s a good thing that no one will ever read this! We have a pretty typical marriage…sure we fight…but who doesn’t? Overall, the good times, generally, outweigh the bad. It’s just that I have no reason to vent about the good times, I guess. Am I even making sense? I guess it really doesn’t matter if I do, or not, because, like I said, no one will ever be reading this anyways.

Well, I hope that everything will be back, to normal, in the morning. I love my wife, and I hate fighting, with her. I also hate this guest room bed! Maybe Nick will watch Baylee tomorrow, so that I can take her to a nice dinner. I’ll have to give him a call, in the morning. For now, though, I am going to crawl into this, way to firm, guest bed and try to get some sleep. Good night, journal!

-Brian T. Littrell.

Boy was I wrong, when I said early would, probably, be noon! I was rudely awoken this morning, around 5:30, by Nick rolling me off the bed and onto the floor. Mason was woken the same way, and we were ordered to get our ‘lazy butts up and ready’. After dressing and grabbing our things, Mason and I headed toward the lobby area. We were greeted by Anthony’s mom, who ushered us into a small dinning room and served us a hot breakfast, before we started loading up.

Anthony gave me his e-mail address and phone number, so that we could keep in touch. I wasn’t sure that we would become friends, but hey, there’s nothing wrong with having an e-mail buddy. While I was stuffing his information into the pocket, of my backpack, his sister, who I found to be his twin, ran up and hugged me. I’m not exactly sure why she did it, but whatever…chicks are so weird!

Howie and AJ had been discussing the route, all through breakfast. Since AJ couldn’t see well, out of his eye, Howie would be taking over the driver’s seat, with AJ as the ‘co-pilot’. So that left Nick and Kevin, in the middle, while Mason and I shared the very back seat.

“I’m bored.” Mason sighed, shifting in the seat, next to me. It was, now, nearing 11, and we had just gotten, back, on the road, after our third stop. We’d probably be stopping, again, in an hour, to eat. I let out a sigh, as I realized that this little road trip was going to take forever. At least there hadn’t been any major arguing, not yet anyways.

“Entertain yourself, Mason.” Kevin turned around, obviously, hearing Mason’s complaint. I doubt that Kevin knew what result would come, from his words. Looking over, I saw Mason shrug his shoulders and slump against the window. Trust me…he wasn’t the only one that was, insanely, bored.

“Ninety-nine bottles, of beer, on the wall…” I couldn’t help, but smirk, as Mason began to sing, softly. “…ninety-nine bottles, of beer…”

“Stop.” Kevin glared, over his shoulder. Wow, that didn’t take long. I had expected Mason to, at least, get through a verse, before his dad would get annoyed.

“Oh he isn’t hurting anything, Kevin.” Nick rolled his eyes, putting down his book. I gotta hand it, to him, Nick is pretty hard to annoy. Sure, when I’m in one of my…uh…moods…it’s pretty easy to upset him, but annoying him…that’s a task. Kevin grunted, slouching, in his seat.

“…take one down, and pass it around…ninety-eight bottles, of beer, on the wall.”

“Ok…enough, now.” You could hear the annoyance, in Kevin’s voice, as he turned around, again.

“I have to say, I hate that song, too.” AJ voiced, from the front. “Nick always annoyed the shit, out of me, when we were younger, by singing that song. Unfortunately, he made it to the end, every damn time, too.” Seeing AJ lift a brow and look at Nick, I turned my eyes, to Nick, too. Sure enough, Nick had a satisfied smirk, on his lips.

“I’m with you, on that.” I grinned, putting away my player. Alright, so this was just going to make it worse, but I couldn’t help myself. “This one is so much better…” I cleared my throat, and began to sing. “John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt…his name is my name too!”

“Whenever we go out…” Mason and Nick piped up, together. I could see AJ pursing his lips, trying not to laugh, as he looked at Kevin’s face.

“…all the people shout ‘There goes John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt’…” Nick, Mason, and I, were now singing together. What I wasn’t expecting was for AJ to go in, on the…

“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!” The four, of us, tilted our heads, back, and screamed. We tried to control our laughter, as our voices lowered, to a whisper, “John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt…his name is my name tooooooooo! Whenever we go out…”

“Enough!” Kevin’s voice boomed, filling the entire van. Unfortunately, for him, it went ignored.

“…all the people shout ‘There goes John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt’…” We were now bobbing our heads back, and forth, as we sang.

“STOP IT!!” He was getting angrier, by the moment, but as long as Nick and AJ were singing, I wasn’t about to stop, either.

“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!” The whole point, of the song, was to see how loud, you could scream that part. Now, if you ask me, we were doing pretty darn well, at it, too!

“Shut…UP!” This time, his hands flew in the air. The van went silent, for a moment, but only a moment.

“Okay…fine. Look. We’ll cut you a deal…” Nick shifted, so he was facing Kevin. His face was straight, and serious. “I’ll pick one song. If you just deal, with it, once the song ends, we’ll stop singing. Just…one…song.”

“Damnit…fine! Just get it over with!” Kevin crossed his arms, and huffed. That was when Nick got the grin, on his face. AJ must have seen it, because he let out a loud groan.

“I think you just sealed a deal, with the devil, Kevin.” AJ looked back, raising a brow.

“It’s only one damn song.” Kevin looked, directly, at Nick. I think he was trying to emphasize that only one song would be permitted. Mason and I looked, at each other, as Nick nodded his agreement.

“This one might be a little before your time, boys, but it’s easy and you’ll catch on fast.”

“This can’t be good.” Howie finally spoke up, shaking his head. He, and AJ, must have known what was about to happen. Nick cleared his throat and I leaned forward, interested in the events, about to take place.

“Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis…” Nick grinned wickedly before breaking out into full song. “..the song that never ends!”

“FUCK!” Kevin screamed.

“Told you so!” AJ shook his head. I looked, at him, with confusion. A song that never ends? That was pretty good. I’m not, at all, surprised, coming from Nick.

“Yes, it goes on, and on, my friend…” Snapping his fingers, and bobbing his head, Nick continued on, with his song. Obviously, Nick hadn’t made this up, because Howie and AJ joined in.

“Some people…started singing it, not knowing what it was…and they’ll continue singing it forever, just because…”

“NO! Damnit, not again!” When I saw Kevin slap his forehead, I knew that a similar experience had happened, in the past. This comes as no surprise, either!

“This is the song that never ends…yes it goes on, and on, my friend…” Okay, now, I see how this is repeating. It’s a continuous loop, and that’s why it never ends. How cleaver is that? Who comes up with this stuff? Well…whoever it was…I commend them! I will have to burn this song, to memory, for use, at a later date! I wonder how long it would take me, to drive Morgan crazy, with this song?

“I’m warning you!” Kevin had on his toughest, meanest, look. Somehow, the others didn’t seem to be phased, this time. Maybe it was because…statistically, Kevin was out numbered. If push came to shove, Kevin would lose, by a landslide. Not to mention, we were in a van…how much damage could he, possibly, do, in such a confined area?

“Some people started singing it…” I felt confident, enough, to join in, now. Mason was, still, sitting there, with a bewildered look. Poor kid was, probably, afraid, of his father’s head exploding. Crap…and I’m sitting right behind him!

“I said shut UP!” Kevin’s voice couldn’t get any louder, as his rage became obvious. We really were pushing our limits, with this one. To think that Nick, was the one who, started the song!

“…not knowing what it was…”

“DAMNIT!”

“…and they’ll continue singing it forever, just because…”

“I…SAID…ENOUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!” That did it. The van went dead silent, as we all looked around, at each other.

“You are such a kill joy!” Nick huffed, crossing his arms. At this, very, moment, he reminded me of a child. His bottom lip was stuck out, in a pout, and his brows were furrowed. He looked like his dad just took away his favorite toy.

“Aren’t you a little old, for this shit, Nickolas?” Kevin’s scowl deepened…which I didn’t, even, think was possible. How could one man, be so serious? Everyone needs to cut loose, sometimes…right? Here, I thought that party helped, to loosen him up…boy, was I off!

“Chill out, Kevin.” AJ came to Nick’s defense, turning to face us. “We were just having a little bit, of fun. The whole trip doesn’t have to be silent, you know.” Shaking his head, he rolled his eyes, at Kevin. It was obvious, that Kevin did not appreciate the gesture, because he, immediately, had a finger pointed, at AJ’s face.

“You keep your nose out, of it, Alexander James!”

“You know what…you’re a fucking dick.”

“Let’s not start.” Howie’s voice was, surprisingly, calm, as he tried to intervene. Leave it, to Howie, to be the voice, of reason. “This isn’t exactly the time, or place, for you two, to have at it.”

“He’s the one who started it!” AJ turned, to Howie, with his eyebrows furrowed. “You know…now that I think about it, he always starts it.” Crossing his arms, he huffed, leaning back.

“You have some real nerve, Alexander! How dare you speak, to me, like that?!?” Kevin’s voice roared. Mason, and I, slouched, in our seats, pretending not to exist.

“Funny, ‘cuz, I thought I was talking to HOWIE…not you! What is your issue, anyways?” Tilting his head, AJ was actually keeping an even tone, to his voice. “Not everyone likes to spend every, waking, moment, in utter silence and boredom!”

“I asked you, all, to stop. Common courtesy says that when someone asks you to stop…you STOP!” Kevin’s voice was still, much, louder than AJ’s, and it was dripping with irritation. Who knew that some simple singing, would cause such a problem?

“Do you hear yourself?” Furrowing his brows, Nick weaseled, back, into the conversation. “I mean…honestly…you’re throwing a temper tantrum because we were singing goofy songs. How old are you? To think, that you complain about me acting childish!” That sounded like a valid point, to me! Somehow, I didn’t figure Kevin would think so.

“Ok…let’s not bicker.” Howie’s attempt, to intervene, proved pointless. I could, practically, see steam rolling out, of Kevin’s ears. Glancing, at Mason, I sighed. This really was going to be a long trip. The passing scenery, suddenly, seemed so interesting. I could hear their voices continue, to bicker, as I just stared out, the window. Have you ever felt like you just wanted to disappear?

“Shit.” I mumbled, just wishing I could melt, into the seat. Evidently, my mumble wasn’t so quiet, because Kevin’s booming voice, immediately, penetrated my thoughts.

“Nice, Nickolas! I see how well your parenting skills are working! Did you just hear that? HUH? Did you?!? Baylee should have never been entrusted, into your care! Now, my own son has been exposed to your sorry excuse, for guardianship!” This has got to be as bad as divorce. I feel like I am the cause of every fight…how fair is that? It seems like they use me, to attack each other. Heck…I’m not sure if that even makes sense. Maybe, I should look into counseling, for myself! I should call Morgan…she’s good at that whole psychology thing.

“Wow…a little harsh, there, Mr. Druggie?” AJ jumped, to Nick’s defense, again, before Nick got the chance, to reply. I could see the hurt, on Nick’s face and I felt bad, for him…heck, I could relate, on that level, too. Why does Kevin attack him, all the time, like that?

“Oh look who’s talking! You’re a crack head and an alcoholic!” Okay…the blows were hitting lower, and lower. The whole thing was getting out of hand, and it seemed like they were, just, doing whatever they could, to hurt each other. The conversation didn’t even seem to have a direction, or purpose…but, I guess, fights never really do have a purpose.

“Excuse me? I’m recovered and I’m sober, thankyouverymuch! Not that we can say the same, for you!”

“He’s been sober, for years, and you know that Kevin.” Nick’s voice was, surprisingly, low, as he was, now, coming to AJ’s defense.

“That’s it…this is ridiculous!” Howie grumbled, as I felt the van swerve, sharply. My hands, quickly, went to brace myself, as the van flew down the ramp, into a rest stop. Howie slammed on the brakes, causing us, all, to jerk forward. “Everybody over the age of 15…get out!”

“What the…” AJ started to object, but was cut off, by a stern look, from Howie. Slamming the driver’s door, Howie motioned for the rest, to join him, a few feet away from the van. Mason, and I, moved up and sat on the floor, of the van, letting our feet stretch outside. We sat there, observing the scene, as Howie spoke up, again.

“Get it out, of your system, because we aren’t going anywhere, until you’re done bickering!” Turning, on his heel, Howie stormed toward the van. His eyes were narrowed, and he looked just as mad, as the others.

“You aren’t going to help us, here, D?” Whipping around, Howie came face, to face, with Nick. Right now, I could be at home, with my friends and enjoying my break, but NO…instead, I am here, watching a real life soap opera. You know…I hate soaps…aren’t they mainly for chicks? I continued to sit on the floor, of the van, my shoulder leaning against the sliding door, with my heels resting on the pavement. Leaning my head, against the door, too, as I watched the drama, continue to unfold.

“No, Nick…I’m not! I am so sick of being the ‘peacemaker’! All these years…I have spent trying to keep the peace, in this group, and let me tell you, it has gotten really old! I think it is way past time, for you, all, to work shit out…on your own…without me, to coach you. Good luck.” My eyes followed him, as he got back into the van. He flipped open his cell and tuned out the surroundings.

“This is going to take a while.” Mason huffed, crossing his arms, too. He was right, of course. There was no end, in sight, to this argument. They never seemed to gain any ground, when they fought. It wasn’t like they were resolving anything.

“We might as well get comfortable, Mase. If we aren’t leaving, until they stop bickering…we’ll spend our whole Spring Break, in this stupid rest stop parking lot.” I groaned, at the thought. Who, the heck, wants to be at a rest stop any longer than it takes, to pee? Not me! These places are creepy. Do you have any idea the messed up things that happen, at these places? My shoulders shuddered, just thinking, about it.

“This sucks. I’m hungry, too.” Moaning, he rubbed his stomach. I looked up at the threesome that was, now, not only bickering, but randomly shoving, too. It was mostly Kevin shoving Nick…but then AJ shoved Kevin, telling him not to shove Nick. Rolling my eyes, I pulled some granola bars that Morgan sent, from my bag.

“Here, Mason, this should hold us over, for a little while. I really don’t think lunch is in our, near, future.” We both ripped open the small packages, and settled in, for a long wait.

“The trip went great! It started out bumpy, but everyone worked out their issues, before we even made it, to Kentucky. Uncle Kev blew up, and ended up in a shoving match with AJ and Nick, but then everyone started talking. Everything got worked out and, now, we are all back to normal. By the time that we got to Kentucky, we were all having a great time!” I smiled widely, resting my elbows, on my knees.

“Hey, you forgot about the part, where we stepped in, and told them to stop fighting. If we wouldn’t have done that, they would have kept shoving each other.” Mason turned, to look at me. He had a goofy grin, on his face, as he rested his hands, in his lap.

“Oh right! Yeah! They were just shoving and screaming, but we butted in and told them to act like adults. I guess watching all those therapy type shows, with Morgan, really has paid off. I knew just what to do!” I nodded, with a satisfied grin. Just thinking about the scenario, made me smile, despite the bright sun, that had given me a headache.

“For sure! We really did save the day. After we told them to work it out, they listened to us, for once. Who knew?” Shrugging his shoulders, he looked toward the guys, we were referring to.

“Thank goodness all that drama is over!” I let out a sigh, tilting my head. Repositioning myself, I looked at my little cousin, whose face reflected disappointment.

“Too bad that’s only in our dreams.” His lips formed, into a frown, glancing over at the trio. In reality, we were still sitting on the van floor, our legs hanging out and feet resting on the parking lot’s pavement. Our granola bars were over an hour gone, and the adult’s conflict raged on. The shoving came, and went, but the fighting was ever present.

“Maybe we should say something. We’ll be here until nightfall, if something doesn’t happen…and happen soon. Besides, I’m hungry again, and vending machines won’t take my credit card.” I picked up a little pebble, and threw it, with all my strength. I watched it fly, and miss Kevin’s head, by only an inch. I found myself wishing that it would have made contact…maybe it would have knocked some sense into him. Sure it was a long shot, but it was worth another try.

“What are you doing?!? That’s gonna make it worse!” Mason’s eyes widened, as I picked up another small pebble. Okay, so he was right. Anyone would know that this little pebble wouldn’t do anything, but make him mad. Oh well. I tossed the pebble a few feet away, just as Howie’s voice caught me ear.

“It’s too damn bad that those fools can’t see how they’re affecting the kids.” He let out a sigh, still holding the cell, close, to his ear. “It’s amazing how well these boys turned out, being exposed to all this.”

“Holy…I got an idea!” The little light bulb, in my head, suddenly lit up, with a killer idea. “Hey, Mason…you still got them little candies that you bought the last time we stopped?” I tilted my head, with a wide smirk. I guess my dad’s prankster mind was passed, to me, through genetics, or something, because I could come up with some pretty crazy ideas.

“Yeah. I only ate a few, of them. Why?” Lifting a brow, he turned, grabbing his bag. It only took a moment, for him to pull out the plastic bag, of candy.

“You’re a fucking lousy excuse, for a guardian, and I am sick of your shit!” Kevin roared, his face extremely close, to Nick’s, as I snatched the candy, from Mason. This was getting out, of hand, and I was so sick of hearing it! Who wants to hear non-stop fighting, all the time?

“ME?!? What about you? Huh? You got your kid taken away, because of your crack addiction, DUDE!” Nick wasted no time, fighting back. The two were only inches away, from each other, screaming at the top of their voices. The verbal lashings only got worse, with every passing moment. Shaking my head, I turned back to Mason, still formulating my plan, in my brain.

“Didn’t you have a sandwich baggie, from the snack that you brought?” I was fitting the pieces, of my plan, together, in my head, like a puzzle. This might not be the brightest idea, but I held high hopes that it would work. It’s not like I could make things any worse than they already were.

“Uh huh. Right here.” He nodded, handing me the wadded bag. Flipping it inside out, I shook out the crumbs. “What are you doing, Baylee?”

“Just chill, watch, and hope this works.” I got into the van, and pulled out a book. Sitting in the back, I started crushing the little white candies, into a fine powder. After making sure there were no large pieces left, I slid the powder into the little sandwich bag. Well…here goes nothing. “Stay out of it, Mason, let me handle this.”

“Why? What are you doing?” He slid, out of the van, right after me. Turning, to face him, I met his gaze. There was no need, for him, to risk getting in trouble. I knew that I was facing a serious grounding, if this didn’t work, like I was planning.

“Just…don’t help, okay? Trust me, this is a risky plan and I am liable to get in major trouble, for it. So, stay back and don’t help.” Without another word, I took long strides, toward the three arguing men. I drew in a deep breath, as I approached them. Biting my bottom lip, I tossed the bag on the pavement. “Why don’t you all take a couple hits, and calm, the fuck, down? We’re sick of hearing the shit!”

“What, the hell, is this, Baylee?” AJ snatched the bag, looking at me, with furrowed brows. “And watch your language!”

“Where’d you get that?!?” Nick stepped toward me, concern etched, on his face. So far, they were buying into it, but I knew it wouldn’t last long.

“It’s some new shit. All us kids are doing it, maybe you oughta give it a try.” Pursing my lips, I scrunched my eyebrows. It was taking everything, in me, to hold my ground. My hands were shaking, a little, so I stuffed them in my pockets. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this.

“Where…did…you…get…this?” Kevin’s stern voice was, right, in my face, and I could feel his breath, on my cheek. I knew this was about to get ugly, but was still hoping that the end result would be good.

“You, of all people, should know that you don’t reveal your supplier…to anyone. If you want some more, just ask me and I’ll get it for you.” Taking my hands, out of my pockets, I crossed my arms and shifted all my weight, to one leg. His glare penetrated me, but I clenched my jaw, and didn’t budge.

“Kevin, back off.” Nick stepped up, grabbing my arm, and pulling me aside. I glanced at AJ, who was further examining the substance. It would only be a few moments, before he figured out that it was, just, crushed candy, and my cover would be blown.

“Nick…it’s just candy.” Okay…so it wasn’t even a few moments. Well that sucks! I didn’t even have time, to put my plan into, full, effect! Uncrossing my arms, I stuck my hands, back, into my pockets.

“Candy?” Nick walks over, to AJ, and takes the bag. Taking a taste of the powder, he turns, to look at me. I knew he was expecting an explanation, for this. I just wasn’t sure how I would explain it. Oh yeah, Nick, I was just trying to fake you guys out, so you might understand that Mason and I might become druggies, because you all set those kind, of examples, for us. Mhm. Yeah. That oughta go over real well.

“Care to clue us in, as to what’s going on, Baylee?” AJ tilts his head, waiting for my response. Ok, Baylee, make it good. Here’s my chance to try, getting my point across. I can’t blow this. Be cool.

“It’s simple, really.” I shrugged my shoulders, grabbing the bag, from AJ’s hand. “Don’t you see what you guys are doing? Look around you…this is our family! Yet, you guys are tearing it, to shreds, and setting horrible examples, for us.”

“How dare you, speak to us, like that! We are the adults, here!” Kevin’s voice was harsh, as it interrupted me. I swallowed hard, and knew this was going to be even harder than I, originally, thought. A time machine would be useful, right about, now. Then again, if I had one, I could just go back, in time, to stop this all from starting, in the first place.

“Shut up Kevin! Let him talk!” Nick furrowed his brows, raising a hand, in Kevin’s face. “Go ahead Baylee. Say what you have, to say.”

“Kevin…you’re teaching us that this...” I held the baggie up, and they all looked at it, then back, at me. “…is okay…and that it’s alright for us to be mean, to others, just because they don’t see things our way. My dad read the Bible, to me, faithfully and I remember it saying, ‘Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.’. Can’t you see what you are doing, to Mason?” My nerves were shot, as I just hoped that this would backfire, on me.

“He’s got a point…takes after his dad.” AJ smirked, but it wouldn’t last long, as I turned my attention, to him. I had to be fair. Kevin wasn’t the only one, at fault, here. My voice softened, as I met his gaze.

“AJ…you’re teaching us that it’s fine, to stay bitter and refuse to forgive other people, for their mistakes. ‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those, who trespass, against us.’ ‘Forgive one another, even as Christ hath forgiven you.’.” Is it just me, or am I brilliant for letting the Bible do half my work?

“And me?” Nick looked, at me, knowing that he was next, in line. I guess, it was pretty obvious, what I was trying, to do.

“Nick,” I sighed. “You’re showing us that it’s okay to be someone that you’re not, just to please other people. That we can hide our emotions and let people walk, all, over us. I don’t have a Bible verse, for that one.” I offered a half smile, shrugging my shoulders. As I continued, though, my voice cracked and I had to start fighting back tears. “Stop, for a minute, please. Just stop fighting. You guys are hurting us. Whether you mean to, or not, you are. So, please, just…stop arguing, okay…stop pointing fingers and calling names…stop tearing each other down. We need you, to be there for us…all of you…we need our family. Please?”

“He’s right.” Howie’s voice startled me, and I turned to see him, standing behind me. “We should all be ashamed, of ourselves, and the way we’ve been acting. These fights haven’t even gotten us anywhere. Let’s just get, back, on the road, and when we get to the farm…we need to sit and talk, like adults. We owe that, to the boys.”

“Nothing like getting set straight, by a teenager.” AJ smirked, coming over, and giving me a hug. I let out a deep breath. It didn’t look like I was going to get grounded, for the rest of my life, after all.

“We better get us, all, something, to eat, too. Can we all agree, to end the fighting?” Nick let out a deep breath, as all eyes floated from one, to another. Everyone nodded, and slowly headed, back, to the van. I ran my fingers, through my curls, as everyone started to pile, into the van. My plan actually seemed, to have worked…at least, for now.

“Hey, BayBay?” AJ slipped an arm, over my shoulder, as we waited, to load up. “You’re dad would be so proud, of you. You’re a good boy.” Biting my lip, I thought about my dad. Would he really be proud, of me? I sure hoped so.

“You know…” Nick spoke up, as I climbed in. “…I might have to start restricting the amount of time that you spend, with Morgan. She’s rubbing off, on you.” A light chuckle escaped him, as he grinned, at me. I knew that he was referring to how I handled myself, when talking to them. He was right, though. I’ve learned a lot, from my best friend…including how to act, and what to say, when you want to be taken seriously. Next time I talk to her, I’ll have to remember to thank her.

The rest, of the road trip, was long, but fairly peaceful. It was obvious, that everyone was doing their best, to be civil, and not fight. Mason, and I, did our part, too, by behaving ourselves, and not annoying the adults. I spent, most of, the time listening, to music, and reading, while Mason played his handheld games.

By the time we arrived, we were, all, exhausted. I was surprised that there was no family, to greet us, when we got here. I had expected a family reunion, of sorts, but the place was deserted. The only things there, to welcome us, clucked, oinked, or neighed. Yeah…you got it…our welcoming committee consisted of farm animals. Now, that I should have expected! Oh…did I mention the corn fields? The fields that seemed to go on, for miles? It was insane!

We were quick, to unpack the van, and relax. Everyone was stretched out, in the living room, with everything so quiet that we could hear the trees rustling, in the breeze. I looked around the room, seeing everyone sprawled out, with their eyes closed. Howie and Nick were snoring, softly, but everyone else was quiet. I leaned my head back, on the recliner, and closed my eyes, as well. It was nice to stretch out, after that long, cramped, ride. I shifted my body, in the recliner, letting out a soft sigh.

“We should do something.” A soft whisper snapped me, from my thoughts. Opening my eyes, I saw Kevin staring at me. “You know…maybe we should hike down to the swimming hole. We used to spend hours, down there…most of the day, sometimes, when we were kids. I bet you and Mason would enjoy the swing rope…it’s been there for generations.” Swing rope? Generations? Was he serious? What, exactly, is a swimming hole, anyways?

“Swimming hole?” I sat up, raising a brow. I don’t remember my dad mentioning a swimming hole, in the journal. Kevin makes it sound like it used to be a pretty big deal…I wonder why my dad never wrote about it. Then again, he didn’t write, in it, all the time…the dates are pretty spaced out, so I guess he couldn’t, possibly, write down everything.

“Come on, let’s go down there. Anyone else going?” He stood up, looking around, at the other relaxing bodies. Only one sat up. I guess Mason was the only, other, one that was awake.

“Sounds like it could be fun.” Mason got up, stretching his arms, over his head. Letting out a long moan, his arms dropped and he walked over, to his dad. Kevin headed to the door, and Mason was right behind him.

“Sure. Why not?” I shrugged, standing up and looking around, at everyone else, before following Kevin, and Mason. Before I knew it, we were walking, to one of the large barns. I couldn’t believe the amount, of land that the family owned, as Kevin pointed out the distant property lines. Seeing as the corn, in the fields, was, only, slightly popping out, of the ground, it was fairly easy, to see the property lines. The scenery was actually, really, awesome.

“Back there is where we’ll find the path. The swimming hole is out, past the back forty.” Kevin’s smile was sincere, as he looked like he was remembering the days, of his childhood. It made me start wondering what it would have been like, to see them all together and happy.

“Did you spend a lot of time here, dad?” Mason looked up, curiosity, in his eyes. Kevin swung open the large barn doors, and my eyes lit up. Right there, in the middle of the barn, were several ATVs. Walking up, to them, I spotted a bright blue one that had dark blue streaks, down the sides. Swinging my leg over, I sat on it, looking it over.

“That one was your dad’s.” Kevin came up, beside me, setting a hand on my shoulder. These things didn’t look old enough, for one to have been my dad’s. Someone must have been keeping up with them, really well. “We actually got these the summer before…you know. He wanted to buy one, for you, too, but your mom thought you were still too young. So…I guess…this one is yours, now.” He gave me a half smile and proceeded to tell me about its proper operation.

“Do I get, to drive one, too, dad?” Mason interrupted, from his spot on a similar green ATV. “These are so cool!”

“For now, I’d feel more comfortable, if you ride with me or Baylee…just because neither, of you, has driven one, before. I promise you’ll be able to drive one, while we’re here, though.” I watched, as Kevin’s eyes met his son’s. I know what would happen, if Nick had told me that…it would have led to a huge fight. Now, Nick and I haven’t been fighting much, lately, but we tend to go through stages. We’ve been in one of our good stages, and I’ve been making an effort, to keep it that way.

“Can I ride, with Baylee, then?” Just as I thought…Mason wasn’t the type, to object or argue. He had his moments, where he would stand up and voice himself, but not unless it was for a very good reason, or he was really upset. He was, usually, much quieter than me, and hated causing fights. When Kevin nodded, his agreement, Mason hopped on, behind me.

“Alright…take it slow, until you get the feel of it, Baylee. Don’t try any tricks, alright? Just follow me, and be careful.” Okay, so he had a valid request, but I still couldn’t help, but roll my eyes. What did he think I was going to do…try and pop a wheelie?

“We’ll be careful.” I forced a smile, but it probably looked sarcastic. Either he didn’t see it, or he ignored it, though, because he turned and mounted an all black ATV. We started the engines and Kevin led us out, of the barn. It took some getting used to, but I quickly got the hang, of driving it, and we were following the outside edge, of the corn field.

I guess Kevin knew that I was okay, with driving, because he sped up, after a few minutes. The wind blew through my curls, as we rounded the edge, of the next field. Mason’s arms were secure, around my waist, and we were nearing the edge, of the woods. As soon as we got to the trees, Kevin came to a stop, and we all dismounted the ATVs.

“Here’s the trail. It’s not too far, of a hike.” He waved us along, and we started into the woods. Alright…I’m a city boy…I am definitely not used to all this nature stuff. My hand flew, to my nose, after a branch flew back and hit me, in the face. This was so not my idea, of fun. All I wanted was to head back, to the ATV’s, and have some fun, on those.

I couldn’t stop my groaning, as the leg, of my 150 dollar jeans, tore on the branch, of a fallen log. These were my favorite jeans! If I had known that we were going to be out in this stuff, I would have changed my clothes. Nick better not put up a fuss, about my clothes being ruined. Ducking under another branch, I tried to push thorn bushes out, of my way. We’re talking some serious woodsy type crap, here, people…this was ridiculous!

“Dad? Are we almost there? This sucks!” Mason’s whine matched the one that was going on, in my head. I’m older, though, and I couldn’t whine out loud. I mean, I’m fifteen…teenage guys don’t whine!

“Another ten minutes, or so, boys…it’s not too far. Come on, keep up.” Ten min…not too…was he serious? Heck…ten seconds out here was too long and too far! We’ve already been in here for a good five minutes. I rolled my eyes, climbing over a dead tree, trying to keep up. Kevin was obviously experienced, at this. He was hopping over logs and weaving around bushes, like it was a well thought out maze…nothing seemed to slow him down.

“Okay…this seriously sucks.” I grunted, after face planting, in the dirt. Turning over, I looked at my feet…I just tripped over a root…A ROOT! How…in the heezy…does someone trip…over a…ROOT?!? Letting my head fall, back, I looked up, at the sky. It was an interesting view, looking up through the leaves, only seeing patches of blue and white. Slowly sitting up, I looked over my shoulder, seeing that Kevin and Mason had not even bothered, to stop. Go figure. Before getting to my feet, I let out a long sigh, wondering what the heck I was doing here, on the ground, in the middle of the woods. Yeah…this trip was turning out to be just a peachy idea!

“Are you okay, back there, Bay?” Mason paused, looking back, at me. Chuckling, sarcastically, I got to my feet. I could not believe my luck, as I started towards them and was stopped, because my hair was all tangled up, in some kind of, tall, weird looking plant…bush thing.

“I think…I need to be…cut…loose!” I started cracking up…yes, I finally lost my mind. My fingers were trying to free my hair, but I was laughing, so hard that it was making the task difficult. One hand went to my stomach, as I halfway doubled over. “I’m like…a…a…trapped…ani…mal!”

“Baylee?” Kevin whips around, catching sight, of me. He rushes over and tries to help me, but I am still cracking up and he can’t get a handle, on my hair. “How…in the heck, Baylee? What did you do? It’s like wrapped around the twigs.”

“I…I don’t know…” I tried, to control my laughter, but seeing Mason fighting back his own chuckles, sent me into another wave of laughing. My eyes watered, as I tried to catch my breath. Wait until I tell Morgan and Sean, about this!

“Will you hold still?” Kevin gave me a stern look, and I stood up straight. Pursing my lips, I tried to hold in my snickers, but my shoulders still shook, slightly. A few minutes later, Kevin freed me, and we were back to walking. My eyes scanned the ground, and surroundings, as I was on red alert, for any other dangerous obstacles.

“This is it?” My eyes widened, as we came over a hill, and could see a small lake, ahead. It was completely different than what I had expected. Looking around, I slowly made my way down the side of the hill, behind Kevin and Mason. The lake was a cool light blue, with slight green tint, and there was a huge oak tree, on the bank, that had a thick rope hanging, from a massive branch. It looked like a picture, out of an outdoorsy type magazine, or something. The sun was reflecting, off the water, and the breeze made small ripples across the top.

“This is it.” Kevin grinned, widely. To my utter shocking surprise, he ran towards the rope, grabbing it and then flinging himself, into the water. No way! That’s what he was talking about, when he mentioned a swing rope. All this time, I thought they only did that stuff in old movies!

“COOL!” Mason’s eye lit up, as he walked over to the rope. Grabbing it, with both hands, he wrapped his legs around it and climbed up, halfway. “Watch me!” He started swinging back, and forth, before jumping off, into the water.

“Oh man…I haven’t done that in years!” Running his fingers, through his hair, Kevin made his way out, of the water. “Go on, Baylee. This is the whole reason I brought you boys, down here.” I watched him plop, down, onto the ground, leaning his back against a red maple tree. I had to admit…this looked like loads, of fun!

“What is it that Nick always says?” I tilted my head, tapping a finger, against my chin. Pretending to think, I watched Mason trudge out of the lake. “Oh yeah…..AAAAH AAH AAAAAH AH AH AAH AAAAAAAAH!!!” I screamed, barreling full force, toward the rope. As I reached the thickly braided rope, my hands wrapped around it and my feet lifted off the ground. I flew through the air, and it felt like nothing I have ever experienced. As the rope swung out, my hands loosened, sending my soaring through the air. I kicked my legs and held my arms above my head, as I came crashing down, into the cool water.

“Awesome!” Mason shouted, clapping his hands, as I came to the surface. I coughed a little bit, as I swam to the lake’s shore. “My turn!” He squealed, getting a running start, toward the rope. Ok…so maybe this was TOTALLY WORTH THE SUCKY HIKE!!!!

“That was wicked cool!” My clothes clung, to me, as I walked up, beside Kevin. My smile was so big that it almost hurt my cheeks. I watched Mason make his dismount, landing in the water, on his back. Cringing, I knew that had to hurt, but decided I didn’t care enough, to stop, and started running, to take my next turn. As I flew through the air, I spun around, sending me backwards, into the lake.

An hour later, I plopped onto the bank, watching Mason. Kevin was a few feet away; he had been watching us, the whole time. He had only jumped in that one time, then just sat and watched us having fun. I glanced over, at him, noticing a troubled look, on his face. I found myself wondering what he was thinking about.

“I wonder why my dad never mentioned the swimming hole. He wrote about the farm, and talked about the hay loft, but I haven’t read anything about the swimming hole.” I tried to make general conversation, as Mason swum around, in the lake.

“You read your dad’s journal, a lot, don’t you?” He let out a sigh, like the thought bothered him. Why would he care, if I read it all the time, or not? Shifting his weight, he leaned his elbows forward, on his knees.

“Yeah. I like reading it because it helps me feel close, to him. It’s nice to read how he felt about things, and stuff.” I shrugged my shoulders, not sure if that made sense, but it was true…reading it really did make me feel close, to my dad. Sometimes, I wish my mom had kept one, too.

“How he felt, huh? I bet he had a few choice words, about me.” Kevin licked his lips, looking over at me. Oh great, what was I supposed to say, to that? Talk about putting me in an awkward position! “I wasn’t very nice, to your father, those last few years. That’s one of my biggest regrets because I never meant for it to be like that.” I couldn’t think of anything, to say, so I just sat there, listening as he talked. It sounded like he had wanted to talk, to me, about this, for a while. His voice had an odd tremble, to it. I just nodded my head, as he continued.

“I don’t, even, know where, or how, it all started and by the time I realized what I had done…it…it was too late.” Letting out a heavy sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at it. I could, actually, hear the regret, in his voice. I was beginning to wonder if there was more, to this story, than what I knew. “I’d hate to know, what your father thought of me.”

“He didn’t, really, think badly, of you. He just…he didn’t understand what he had done wrong.” I turned my eyes, to the water, where Mason was swimming toward the shore. Never had I expected, to get into this conversation and, honestly, I found it slightly intimidating.

“It wasn’t his fault…it was mine. After all the years, of being the group’s leader, I just felt like…” Pausing, he took in a deep breath. Mason walked up, to us, and sat down on the other side, of his dad. “I felt like I still needed to be in control…I thought I knew what was best. All I wanted to do was help, but instead of helping, I just turned into an ass. Then, when your father…after the…I, just, lost it.” Pursing his lips, he hung his head, closing his eyes.

“It’s okay, dad. We, all, still love you.” Mason rested a hand, on Kevin’s shoulder. “I mean…we all make bad choices right?” I watched Kevin wrap an arm, around his son, pulling him into a hug. Kevin’s hand brushed over Mason’s hair, as he held him.

“I’m so sorry…I never thought it would get this bad. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” Kevin’s eyes were slightly watering, as he turned to me. “Just remember that…none of this…none of the fights, none of the problems, none of it is your fault, boys…not even slightly. Okay? I don’t want either of you boys, to think you caused any of this.”

“Hey, you’re trying to change, and that’s what matters the most, now, Uncle Kev.” I gave him a half smile. That was the first time, in a long time, that I had referred to him, as my uncle. I tried to set aside any bad feelings, and thoughts, so I could offer some kind, of comfort. You can’t expect someone, to change, unless you’re willing to support them…at least, that’s what the counselor said, on some show I watched, with Morgan, a while back.

“Right…well…it’s getting late. We should head back, before everyone starts to worry.” Kevin stood up, changing the subject, and holding his hands out, for us. Mason took his left hand, as I took his right, and he helped pull us up. “We’ll find something, to eat, when we get back, too.”

“This was a really cool place, dad. I had fuuuuu…” Mason trailed off, as his feet slipped out, from under him. His feet flew forward and he landed on his butt, in the middle, of a huge mud puddle. The mud splashed up, over me and Kevin. We, all, looked at each other, and burst into fits of laughter. I smirked, happy that I wasn’t the only one, with bad luck today. Reaching down, I went to pull him up, but he just yanked my arm, sending me face first into the mud. I rolled onto my side, looking at him laughing, next to me.

“You think that’s funny, Mason? I’ll show you funny!” I grinned, splashing mud onto his shirt. Next thing I knew, we were covered in mud, and still slinging it, at each other. We finally stopped, when we were laughing too hard, to keep throwing the mud.

“Alright boys...” Kevin rolled his eyes, but had an amused grin, on his face. Mason, and I, got to our feet and Kevin led the way, as we started our way, back to the ATVs. I had much better luck, this time, and made it out without any further disasters. Once we reached the ATVs, we got on, and headed back, to the house.

As we parked the ATVs, back, in the barn, I looked at Mason’s wet, muddy clothes. Glancing down, I cringed, at my own torn, wet, muddy clothes. I tried to run my fingers through my hair, but it was useless, because it was a muddy ratted nest. Letting Kevin, and Mason, lead the way, I dreaded Nick’s reaction, to the way I looked. I didn’t know if he would crack up, or yell at me, for destroying my clothes. My hopes were that he would fall, to the floor, pointing at me and laughing, until he had tears. I held my breath, as we walked into the house. Howie, AJ, and Nick looked up and their faces were priceless. Everything was silent for several moments.

“What…the hell…” AJ, started cracking up, unable to finish his question.

“I don’t think we, even, want to know!” Howie snickered, looking back, and forth, between us and then his snickers turned into full blown laughter. They kept laughing, as I glanced over, to Nick, who was still not showing any signs of amusement. He had one brow raised, as he looked over my torn clothing, then up to my mess, of hair.

“Kevin took you to the swimming hole?” Nick stood up, walking toward us, a stern look, on his face. He shook his head, pursing his lips. My eyes looked, to my feet, and back up, at him, as I nodded. “Mhm…I see. I’m not very happy, about this! Just look at you!” Crossing his arms, he stared at me, and then looked up at Kevin. “Damnit, I am so mad…that I missed that!” His face relaxed, as he burst into a fit, of hysterical laughter.

After kicking off our shoes, we headed up stairs. The guys were still laughing, as I went into the room. Grabbing clean clothes, I headed for the shower. I had to peel my clothes off, and I thought about, just, throwing them away, but decided to keep them. I could wear them to school, when I got back…it would make for a good story that Morgan and Sean would surely get a kick out of.

I walked, back, downstairs, looking normal again. I met up with everyone else, who immediately started snickering, again. Once Mason joined us, we all sat down, for a nice dinner that Kevin had put together. At least, everyone was in good spirits, as Mason and I gave a description of everything that happened. Dinner went smooth, as we all talked and laughed, then we headed to the living room, and relaxed. The first day, on the farm, wasn’t quite over, but I’d say it went pretty darn well!

The painful memories, still, fill my mind, on a regular basis. Once again, my life had been flipped upside down, by, yet, another unpredictable event. Looking back, on it, I still wonder what I could have done differently…if there was something I could have done, to stop it. I suppose there wasn’t anything that anyone could have done. No one even knows, quite, how it happened…what caused it. All I know is that it devastated me…and it took me a few years, to even be able to live a normal life, again. I’m 25, now, and it’s been 10 years, but it still comes to me, like it happened yesterday.

After dinner, that night, Nick had given me permission, to spend the evening in the barn. I had my father’s journal tucked under my arm, with full intensions of reading it. A smile crept onto my lips, as I climbed up, into the hayloft. I remembered how my father wrote about his time on the farm, the things he did, and how he used to sit in this very hayloft.

I spent, almost, four hours there, that night. My time was spent reading several journal entries, remembering my parents and early childhood, reflecting back on my time with Nick. All this time, I was unaware of the horrific event that was taking place. I sat thinking over every aspect, of my life…past…present…and future. There were things that I would have liked, to change, but mostly…I was content.

Forgive me, if my emotions overtake me, but it still hurts. By the time I climbed out, of that loft, and made my way, into the house, it was too late. I looked around, confused. It was only around midnight, but the house was silent. There were no voices…no bickering…not even, the soft noises, from a television. An unsettling feeling crept into my body, as I walked further into the house.

I called out, for Nick…then AJ…then Mason…I heard nothing. Pushing down the lump, in my throat, I called out again, this time for Howie…then Kevin…then for just anyone, to answer…again, I received nothing. My mind screamed that they could be outside, or sleeping, but my gut told me otherwise. Don’t ask me how I knew…I just knew…that something wasn’t right.

Walking into the living room, my fears were temporarily put to rest. Everyone was there, and appeared to be sleeping. Howie and AJ were on the couch, Nick was on the floor, Mason and Kevin passed out in the recliners. Reaching over, I shook Mason’s arm, calling his name, in an attempt to wake him up, but I snapped my hand back, when I realized his skin was cold. Quickly moving to AJ…then to each of the other guys, tears trailed down my cheeks.

Running into the kitchen, I called the paramedics, and frantically told them about my family. As I was speaking with them, I suddenly noticed an odd, rotten egg, smell. When I told the operator about the smell, she ordered that I get outside, immediately, and wait for help, to arrive. Obviously, I did as I was instructed, but sometimes I wish I would have stayed.

Tears continuously rolled down my face, as I tried to call the rest, of my family, but I had no signal, on my phone. I had no choice, but to stand, helplessly, and wait. Pacing back, and forth, I begged God, for this to be a really bad dream. The shrill sirens, and flashing lights, proved the reality, of the second worst day, of my life.

I completely shut down, after watching them, carry out my family, one by one. I was completely zombified, from that point on…and when they questioned me, at the station, I was too much, of a wreck, to offer any help. It wasn’t long, before my grandparents showed up, to take me, with them.

I didn’t find out, until weeks later, that the nasty smell was from a gas leak…and that’s what had taken the lives, of my family. I guess the gas leak was small enough that none, of them, noticed it…that they became used to the smell, and didn’t realize that anything was wrong. The gas slowly took over them until they lost consciousness, and eventually lost their lives. If I would have stayed, in the house, I would have met the same fate, and avoided all this pain.

Needless, to say, I had to move again, and transfer schools. I should have been upset about not being able to participate, in the state championships, with my team, but I was numb to everything. I soon lost contact with Morgan, Sean, Allison, and everyone else, at school. My grades, at the new school, plummeted to failing marks, and I made no attempt, to make friends or participate in sports. I had completely given up…on everything.

The years seemed to drag, yet they flew by. Now I’m married, and have a two year old daughter. The day I found out that Jenny was pregnant; I ran out and got my will ready. I didn’t have many decisions, to make…custody would be granted to my sister-in-law, and her husband, should anything ever happen to me, and Jenny. We didn’t have much money…since I had blown most, of my money, once I turned 18. So the will was simplistic, but I still got it done.

Life deals you a hand, of cards, and you never know when you’ll get a bad one…and there isn’t a dog-on thing that you can do, about it. I’ve learned that you have to be prepared for anything…but mostly, you have to prepare yourself, for the worst. It’s all a gamble…a roll of the dice…you place your bets and you win, or you lose. In my case…I’m down more than I am up.

“Baylee?” Looking up, from my writing, I turned, to my wife. “Dinner is about ready. How is the writing coming along?” I watched her cross the bedroom floor, and take a seat, on our bed. She really was a beautiful woman…she could have anyone that she wanted. I still can’t understand why she chose to stay, with me. My emotional state has always been present, and I know I put her through a lot.

“It’s alright, I guess.” Shrugging my shoulders, I made my way, to her. I sat down, beside her, and she took a hold, of my hand.

“I’m proud, of you, sweetheart. I know this is hard, for you.” Proud of me? How could she be? Locking eyes, with her, she gave me a weak smile. She knew I doubted the things she said…that’s one of the major issues, we have. My heart doesn’t want to let her in. I try to open up…to love her unconditionally…to be the husband that I know my father was…to support her, emotionally…but my heart shuts down. I do love her…and I know that’s why I lash out, sometimes. I’m so afraid of losing her, too.

“Thanks.” I whisper, breaking our eye contact. Standing up, I offer her my hand. When she takes a hold, of it, I pull her up, and we head downstairs. Walking in, I see our table set nicely, just like every other night, and dinner already waiting.

Maybe, someday, I’ll be able to let go. Perhaps I’ll be able to move on, and live my life happily, but for now, I am still broken and torn. I miss my family…even Kevin…and I miss them, all, so badly, that my heart, continuously, aches. Sometimes I wish I would have gone, with them, just because I can’t bare the pain. I’m writing this book, hoping that letting it out, will help, and I truly hope that it does.

I don’t know who would want to read this…maybe fans of my father and the group…maybe people that can, just, relate, to my pain…I don’t know. I guess this might even help someone else cope, with their own emotional turmoil. But let me tell you this…you aren’t alone. I know the pain, and I know the loss…you aren’t alone.

This is Life According To Baylee…as told by me, Baylee Thomas Wylee Litrell.



This book is dedicated to my family, whom I hope to see again, one day…

Brian Thomas and Leighanne Reena (Wallace) Littrell

Nickolas Gene Carter

Alexander James McLean

Howard Dwaine Dorough

Kevin Scott Richardson

And Mason Richardson

March 2, 2006

Dear Journal –

You wouldn’t believe what I saw today! I was just flipping through channels and stumbled across an old re-run, on VH1. I think it was MTV Diary, or whatever, but it showed the group, back in like ’98, or something. Man we looked young! It got me thinking about the old days.

Things were so different, back then. Nick was a lot more carefree. He was so innocently naïve about things, but it really just added to his unique charm. We used to play ball, darn near, every day, no matter where we were. The two, of us, were inseparable and we both liked it that way. Things between us have changed, so much, over the years.

AJ…well…what hasn’t changed about him? Ha Ha! I miss the old days, especially with him, because he has changed so much more than the rest, of us. What…with the alcohol and drugs…the partying…rehab… That man has had to battle many inner demons, and it has changed him a lot. Now, I’m not saying that he’s not still a good guy, because he is. I’m proud, of him, for working, so hard, at straightening his life out, but I still can’t help but miss his light hearted, goofiness that was so strong, back in the day.

Now that I think about it, maybe AJ isn’t the one that has changed the most…Kevin has changed drastically, here in the past couple years. I still haven’t figured out what’s going on, with him. Sometimes it just feels like he’s trying to keep control, of everything. It would make sense, I guess, being the oldest, in the group, he always had to play the upper hand. Nick, and I, always used to make it pretty difficult, for him to keep control.

Leighanne was talking with Kristin last week, and I guess Kevin has actually been put on anxiety medication. I’m not sure how or why this all came about, but maybe it will help. Could his attitude be stemming from stress and anxiety? Is it possible that he really just has control issues, and feels like he needs to keep being the ‘father’ of the group? Leighanne told me about the entire conversation, and according to Kristin, Kevin thinks he’s helping. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, at that one. Helping? I mean honestly!

Anyways…back to what I was talking about, before I got on my Kevin bunny trail.

On the other end, of the spectrum…I’d say Howie has probably changed the least. He’s still just good ol’ Howie. Quiet. Down to Earth. The peacemaker. The voice of reason. Sure, some things, about him, have changed…that’s inevitable, but overall, he hasn’t changed as much as the rest, of us.

Basically, sitting, and watching that show, just made me miss the old days. Now, I wouldn’t trade my family, for anything, but it would be nice to go back, to that time, just for a while. Ok, now I’m sounding crazy. Ha Ha! I guess I’ll just take my memories, and head to bed. I’ll write more later. Hmmm…maybe I’ll find another re-run on, tomorrow! You know…Howie has all those home videos…perhaps I’ll pay him a visit. You know, it’s pretty funny to watch all his videos…there are things, on those, that you would never find, on any of the videos you can buy.

Here I am rambling again. It’s a good thing this journal has plenty of pages, in it! Ok, but seriously…I’m going to bed now! Good-night!

-Brian T. Littrell

Letting out a long sigh, I closed the journal and put it safely, in my bag. My head fell back, on the pillow, as I wondered what those old days were like. I am sure they were a far cry from the bickering that I could hear, coming from downstairs. Although I couldn’t make out the words that were being said, I knew who the voices belonged to…Kevin…and Nick. What could they, possibly, be arguing about, now? Would it ever end? A loud knock, on the door, startled me. My head quickly turned, to look at the door.

“Yeah?” I groaned, sitting up, not sure if I really wanted to know, who it was or what they wanted.

“Get up.” Nick appeared, in the doorway, as the door swung open. “We have to do…chores.” If I’m not mistaking, Nick scrunched his nose, in disgust. Interesting. Nick was always ready to bark out chores, for me, but now he’s dreading the idea of participating in chores.

“Chores?” I lifted a brow, in slight amusement.

“Yes. Chores. And not the ones that you’re thinking of. I wouldn’t wear any of your nice clothes, if I were you.” His shoulders slumped, a bit, looking defeated. What did he mean “not the ones I’m thinking of’? Chores are chores. Right?

“Ok.” I sighed, lifting myself off the bed. I watched Nick close the door, and set to getting dressed. Sifting through my clothes, I searched for anything that wasn’t considered nice. I didn’t have much luck, so I just threw on my least favorite shirt that I brought, and a pair of plain jeans. Situating a baseball cap, over my curls, I headed out the door and downstairs. Little did I know, I was, soon, in for a rude awakening.

“Everyone ready?” Kevin’s voice was dripping, with irritation, as he stood with his arms crossed.

“Let’s just get this shit done.” AJ huffed, his jaw tightened, as he rolled his eyes. I looked around, seeing that everyone was in a bad mood, except me and Mason. I was guessing that the reason was because me and Mason were the only ones who didn’t know what was going on.

“Agreed.” Nick’s eyes were narrowed, as everyone started toward the door. Once outside, Kevin led us down, to the barn. Before I knew what was going on, Nick and I were, each, handed a pail of nasty looking mushy stuff. What was I supposed to do with…

“Once you’re done slopping the pigs, shovel their pen, and then meet back here.” Kevin instructed, pointing to the smaller barn. Wait…hold on…did he say slopping pigs? I scrunched my nose, looking down at the pail. So that’s what this was supposed to…eeeeeew!

“Come on Bay, let’s get this done.” Nick groaned, heading toward the other barn. Now I understood why Nick was irritated, about the chores. This was way worse than doing dishes! I covered my nose, as we walked into the barn.

“Aw, nasty!” I lifted the top of my shirt, over my nose. The smell was enough to make anyone gag! How could people do this every day? Oh crap! Please…someone tell me that this isn’t going to be a daily thing, while we’re here.

“Just dump the slop into that troth, over there.” Nick pointed to a metal thing, in the corner, before walking to an identical one, in the opposite corner. The sloshing sound, of the slop pouring into the troth, gagged me just as bad as the smell. It didn’t help matters, that it was hot and stuffy, in the barn. “Set the pail over there, and…grab a…shovel.” His brows scrunched, his lips twisted into a look of pure disgust.

“What are we doing with the shovels?” I got the disturbing answer, when I saw Nick bend over and scoop up a pile of pig crap. Nick’s face was contorted, as he walked over, and dumped the pile into a tractor’s trailer. He had to be kidding! Baylee Littrell does not scoop poop!

“Don’t just stand there.” Nick gave me that look…that look, which tells me that if I don’t do as I’m told, I will regret it. Letting out a loud sigh, I scrunched up my nose, again, and began to shovel. This sucks!

“Whose brilliant idea, was this?” I asked, trying not to breath, very deep. How could people stand doing this, all the time? I couldn’t even imagine getting used to the smell.

“Kevin’s.” Letting out a huff, he began to shovel, with more aggression. A small smirk came over my lips; now I knew what all the bickering had been about. Kevin said we needed to do chores, and Nick was trying to get out, of it.

The next half hour dragged on, seeming to last forever. There wasn’t much said, as we continued our nasty assignment. Nick shoveled like a mad man, and I tried to keep up, with his pace. I’m sure this task could take well over an hour, but we were determined to get this done, and over with.

Dreadfully making our way, back to the group, we carried our empty pails. I was not looking forward to more chores, but something told me we weren’t done, yet. My suspicions were confirmed, when Kevin sent me, and Mason off, to check the fences.

It was news, to me, that you had to check the fences every week, to make sure they were in good shape. The fence bordered the corn fields, and was meant to detour large animals from eating the crops. Luckily, though, Kevin didn’t make us walk. He allowed us to take one of the ATVs, since it was a large area, to cover. Mason hopped on, behind me, and we set off, to make sure that none of the fence needed fixing.

Mind you, we weren’t allowed to leave, before a very long lecture. We were instructed to stay inside the fence…not to go too fast…blah blah blah. Nick, and Kevin, continued to blab on, about what we could, and could not, do. I had tuned them out after the first two points…I just kept nodding and saying “ok” or “we will”.

Mason and I headed off, taking our time, to check out the fence. We were goofing around and telling jokes, as we rode along. I was enjoying the break, from all the tension and bickering. I’m sure we could have done the parameter in an hour, but we just took our time, not wanting to go back. We just needed some time, you know? Can you blame us? All the fighting was getting on our nerves!

We were on the back forty, checking out the far side, of the fence, when I saw it. Stopping the ATV, I hopped off and climbed over the fence. Slowly, I made my way down the embankment, toward the half hidden treasure. After slight resistance, Mason followed me.

“What kind is it?”

“Mason…this…is a…” I looked over it, closely, to make sure I had it right. I hate it when I get proven wrong…it makes me look like a moron. “…if I am correct….it’s a 1956 Ford Thunderbird.” Man, was it a beauty, too…well at least it was, in my mind. I could imagine it, in its prime…polished chrome, clear windows, shiny finish, flawless leather seats…oh yeah…what a classic! I could see myself driving this baby!

I brushed my fingers over the chipped, soft lime green paint, looking over the rust that scared its exterior. The front end was badly damaged; it had obviously been in a crash. By the looks of it, the frame was, probably, bent…that must be the reason that it was, now, sitting in the woods, covered with overgrown weeds, and fallen leaves.

I couldn’t stop myself, from wondering what it would be like, to restore the car. Picturing it, in my mind, I could see myself driving it, to school; with it all spiffed back up. Oh yeah…I bet the chicks would love that!

Mason, and I, tugged on the doors, making them creak open. A smile crossed my lips, as I slipped behind the steering wheel. Running my hands over the wheel, I daydreamed, about actually driving it. Oh man, I could practically hear it purr!

“Baylee…Thomas…Wylee…Littrell!!!” Nick’s voice pierced me, and I swallowed the large lump that had settled, in my throat. This was not good…not good, at all.

“Oh uh…hey Nick!” I gave him a lopsided grin. I knew I was in big trouble, when Kevin appeared behind Nick. Ok…so we broke their rule and went outside of the fence, but it wasn’t by far. Surely, they wouldn’t be that mad, right?

“What…do you think you’re doing? You were supposed to be checking the fence, and were specifically told to stay inside the fence line!” Nick lifted a brow, staring me down, and waiting for an answer.

“Nick…look at this car! It’s sweet! I just had to come take a look…no big deal.” I shrugged my shoulders, climbing out of the car. Mason did the same, and we started up the embankment, to face our authorities.

“Rules are made for a reason, young man, and you know that I expect you, to follow them.” I was now face to face, with Nick. His brows were scrunched and it was obvious that he was not happy.

“Why are you always so uptight? If my dad were here…”

“Well he isn’t…now is he?” Kevin’s voice spoke, for the first time, since they got there, and cut me off. I stood there; jaw dropped, and mouth open.

“I can handle this, Kevin…thanks.” Nick tilted his head and looked, at Kevin, annoyance in his voice. In return, Kevin crossed his arms and stared back.

“Obviously not, Nickolas,” he mumbled. I saw Nick’s jaw tighten, and his lips purse. Everything, in me, wanted to scream ‘Everybody ruuuuuuun…shit’s gonna blooooooooow!’. I knew better than to actually say anything, so I just shoved past them and got on the ATV. I figured Mason could ride back, with one of them, since they both rode one, out to where we were.

“Baylee Littrell…don’t you dare…” The stern look, on his face, told me that he was not playing around. But guess what? I just made it worse.

“You’re not my father!” Scowling, at them, I tore off, toward the house, kicking up dirt as I went. I already knew that I had just done some serious damage, and I was liable to be grounded, for a very long time. Parking the ATV, in the barn, I stormed toward the house. I could hear Nick, and Kevin, coming, as I slammed the front door and ran upstairs.

“Baylee?” I met AJ, at the top, of the stairs. He looked, at me, with concern, in his eyes. Moving right past him, I’m sure he knew something was up. I made no hesitation, entering my room, slamming the door, and locking it. Throwing myself, on the bed, I thought over what just happened. Nick, and I, haven’t fought in a while, but this one looked like it was going to make up, for lost time.

A half hour later, I was still lying on the bed, staring at the open journal. My eyes stayed fixed, on the journal, but I wasn’t actually reading because my mind was churning, a mile a minute. I was expecting Nick or Kevin to come pounding on my door, and I was beginning to worry why it hadn’t happened, yet.

Letting out a long sigh, I sat up, tossing dad’s journal onto the pillow. My feet hit the floor and I stood up, heading to the door. I quietly flipped the lock and cracked open the door. The only thing I heard was a heated discussion, coming from downstairs. My mind screamed, to go back in the room, and take advantage of the fact that they weren’t yelling at me, like they should be. But noooooo! Curiosity got the best of me and I started making my way to the stairs. My bare feet skimmed across the carpet, as I quietly descended the stairs.

I stopped, once I reached the landing, at the bottom, of the stairs. My hand rested on the banister, as I started listening in, to the conversation. From what I could tell, all the adults were in there. Taking a deep breath, I moved a little closer, leaning my back against the wall, outside the living room’s two, sliding, wood doors.

“You’re the one that told him to check the fences!” Nick’s voice pierced the air, suddenly, making me flinch. His voice was filled with more emotion than I’ve heard, in a long time.

“It should have just been taken to the junk yard, to begin with. Baylee wouldn’t have found it, and none of this would be happening, right now, if you would have just listened to me.” Kevin scoffed, with a sarcastic chuckle. I knew that, if I could see their faces, they would portray some serious anger and frustration.

“I couldn’t do that, Kevin! The car was new…well…you know what I mean.” I would bet that Nick had his fingers, in his hair, at this point. There was something different about his voice…it wasn’t just anger or frustration, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was beginning to seem like they were more upset, about me finding the car, than me breaking the rules. This was something new. What the heck is so special about that old crashed car…besides that it’s totally awesome?

“We’re just lucky you got the interior done, before you ditched the project.”

“Don’t get pissy with me, Kevin. You know that I couldn’t finish it, then. I had started it, before getting custody, of Baylee. Once he moved in with me, I was too busy…besides, how was I going to sneak off and work on it?” I heard AJ and Howie groaning, as Nick and Kevin continued their battle, of words. I couldn’t understand why this was such a touchy subject.

“So we just dumped it, on the back forty?!?” Kevin’s voice rose, to a new height. I could only imagine how thick the air was, in that room. At least I was lucky enough to be standing outside of the room.

“I would like to get it back out and finish it, at some point.”

“And how do you plan to do that, Nickolas? Baylee is old enough to understand…don’t you think that would be rough, on him?” Old enough to understand what? Okay, seriously, they were getting so mad that they weren’t, even, making sense, anymore!

“Well…” AJ’s voice piped up. I couldn’t contain myself anymore, and I poked my head around the corner, looking in, through the wide crack, between the doors. Nick and Kevin were facing each other, in the middle of the room. Howie was on the couch, a painful look, on his face. AJ stood up and faced Nick and Kevin. “We could restore it and he could know that it was his parents’ car, without actually telling him it was THE car.”

“You mean have him help? Are you insane?!?” Kevin screamed. It felt like my head was spinning, as the words played over, in my mind. What did AJ mean ‘THE car’? Oh God…he didn’t mean…like…

“I…I just…” My voice was shaking, as I pushed the doors open, the rest of the way.

“Fuck.” AJ cursed, running a hand over his face. Nick took a step, toward me, pain in his eyes…that, alone, gave me my answer. I tried to force down the lump, in my throat, as my heart raced and my eyes began to water.

“I…that’s…I just sat…where…where my…” The words screamed, in my mind, but I couldn’t force them out. My mouth felt like it was filed, with cotton balls, and my hands were sweating but felt cold. “…where my dad…”

“Oh Baylee…” Nick quickly came, to me, engulfing me, into a hug. If I didn’t have my answer before, I sure as heck, had it now. I wasn’t so sure about that car, being so cool, anymore. My world seemed to crash, around me, when I realized that I had just been sitting where my dad…I couldn’t even get myself to think the word. All the pain, from years ago, flooded my body and my knees felt weak.

“He…in that car?” There was an unforgiving pain, in my head and chest, as I clung to Nick. His arms were securely around me, hugging me tight, my head against his shoulder. My fists balled up his shirt, and he was having to, practically, hold me up. It was like I was that crumpled 8 year old, all over again.

Memories began to, rapidly, flood my mind. I remembered the car, now…I remembered riding in it, on that vacation. Hot tears began to stream, down my face, as I saw the memories flash, through my mind…images of that vacation…as if I was in the backseat, again, looking up and my mom and dad, as they sat smiling, and laughing.

Nick just stood there, holding onto me, for a few moments, and then he helped over, to the couch. We sat down, his arms still around me. Tilting my head, I looked up at him; he looked like he was struggling to fight back tears. He continued holding me tightly, rubbing a hand over my back.

“I’m sorry, Baylee.” I heard a soft sniff, as he whispered to me, rocking slightly. “I…I’m so sorry.” Suddenly, more memories came into my head. I had been in this position before…crying my eyes out, wrapped in Nick’s arms, practically on his lap, and him rocking slightly, rubbing my back.

Painful flashes, of the hotel room, on the night my dad died; floated through my mind…it was like a movie that I just couldn’t shut off. Closing my eyes, I saw the hospital…the hotel room…that sleepless night; with Nick trying to console me. Seeing images, of us, on the floor, made my tears come harder. His arms had given me so much comfort, that I had so desperately needed.

Even after my grandparents came, he was there, for me. When my mother was transported, to Kentucky, Nick went with us. My dad’s parents had invited my mom’s parents come, to stay, with them, so that all of us were together. We spent every day, at the hospital, with mom. Nick would go home, for a few days, but he would always come back. It was six months, before the final decision was made. She wasn’t improving, and they said it was time.

My mother’s death wasn’t, quite, as traumatic, because I was more prepared, but it still hurt. Nick was there, though, right beside me, as I said my goodbyes. I held my mother’s hand, crying, and Nick stood by me, my grandparents surrounding mom’s bed. My grandparents had asked him, to be there, because they knew how much I needed a friend and, at that point, he was my best friend. When it came time, Nick took me out, of the room. He walked with me, as we wandered outside. Nick didn’t try to offer any words, of sympathy or comfort, but just being there, holding my hand, helped.

When had I forgotten these memories? How could I have forgotten? Or, did I just choose, not to remember? I liked it, so much better, when I couldn’t remember! Somehow, I had been able to push them, from my mind, and forgot the painful details. I willed the memories to go away, so that I could forget them, again, but they just came with stronger force, bringing more along, with them. Every day, I feel the pain and I miss my parents, but today…today it was ten times worse, almost making me wish I had gone, with them.

“I’m so sorry Bay…I’m so sorry…” Nick’s whispers repeated, pain dripping, from his ragged voice. I was pretty sure that he was crying, now, but he was holding me so tight that it was impossible to look up, at him.

“It’s…it’s not your fault Nick.” AJ’s voice was soft, and wavering, matching the emotions I had heard, in Nick’s voice. “I know…that um…you think it’s your fault, but…it’s not.”

“I could have stopped it…dear God…why didn’t I stop it?!?” His voice cracking, Nick ran a hand, over my hair. I could feel the unevenness, of his breathing, as his chest jerked, slightly. These past few years, I have been pushing him away, not thinking about the pain that he was feeling, too. Why hadn’t I thought about how badly this had impacted him? When it happened, he was there for me…he cried with me…he comforted me…he listened…but I had chosen to forget about that, when I pushed the other painful memories, from my mind. In all my outbursts and frustrations, I never took time, to consider his pain.

“It was mine, Nick. The vacation…it was my idea.” AJ’s voice had an, ever so slight, waiver, to it. Suddenly, I felt his arm come around me, as his other circled around Nick. He was kneeling beside us, and as I looked, at him, I saw that his eyes were watering. “If we wouldn’t have gone…on that stupid vacation…” I didn’t think it was possible, for my heart to ache, any more, until I heard that my closest family had blamed themselves, for the horrible outcome, of that vacation. They never acted, like they felt guilty, but I guess we were all fairly good, at hiding our emotions and pain.

“Florida was my idea, though.” I barely heard Howie’s voice, from across the room. Slightly pulling away, from the arms that circled me, I looked over toward him. I couldn’t tell, if he was crying, but his voice wasn’t, entirely, stable.

How could all three, of them, feel this way? They had been blaming themselves, all these years? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…after all; I had spent plenty, of time, trying to figure out how I could have prevented it. AJ sat, on the floor, his back against the couch, and Nick pulled away, but only slightly…one arm still around my shoulders.

The room went silent, aside from my crying and random sniffs, coming from the three men that had spoken. Kevin stood, in the corner, looking out the window. He almost looked like a mannequin, not moving, or making a sound. Hands shoved in his pockets, his posture showed no sign of emotion.

“You can’t blame yourselves.” Kevin’s voice was deeper than usual, as it broke the silence. Everyone looked, at him, as he sighed, loudly. “None, of you…are responsible…for any, of this.”

“I should have never suggested that damn vacation!” AJ shook his head, furiously. His face portrayed anger, grief, sadness, and so much more. I always shouted, about them not understanding how I felt, but the whole time, they knew…all to well, exactly how I felt.

“The vacation wasn’t a bad idea, Alex…the location, of it, was, though.” Howie walked over, taking a set, next to AJ, on the floor. His expressions matched those, of the rest, of us. Nick sat, quietly, his arm still resting over my shoulder. Just by looking, at him, I could tell his mind was twirling, at full tilt.

“I said…it’s not your fault.” Kevin’s voice grew, a bit, louder, as he continued to stare, out the window. His face was, still, hidden, from us.

“I should have stalled him…just one minute…one measly, lousy minute and…”

“I didn’t stall either.” My voice cracked, interrupting Nick and looking over, to him. “I didn’t even…I was just...we…I mean…” How come I couldn’t form a complete thought?

“STOP IT! All of you…just…STOP!” Kevin’s voice roared, snapping us, all, to attention. He finally turned, facing us. I was shocked, at the look, on his face…he was, seriously, on the verge, of tears, but he was trying to hold them in.

“But, Kevin…we could have…” AJ stood, meeting Kevin’s eyes, but was quickly interrupted.

“NO! No..no..no!” Kevin was shaking his head, furiously, waving a hand, in the air. “I’m the one that was supposed to protect this group. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine!”

“Protect the group? How was getting into drugs, and exposing AJ to them, protecting the group?” Howie turned, from sadness, to anger, as he stood. He took a step, toward Kevin, who was looking at him, like he was crazy.

“Exposing AJ to what, exactly?”

“DRUGS!”

“What the hell, are you talking about?” Kevin scrunched his brows, at Howie, who was now directly in front, of him.

“You gave them, to him!”

“Are you trying to blame me, for AJ’s substance abuse? I never gave him anything, like that!”

“What about the pills, you gave me?” AJ stepped forward. Can anyone tell me, how we went from arguing over my dad’s death, to arguing over AJ’s addictions? I’m lost here!

“That’s what you’re talking about? Those were anti-anxiety pills, Alexander! Those were supposed to help you, so your drinking didn’t get worse…so you would avoid substance abuse.” Staring AJ, in the eyes, Kevin admitted to giving him the pills. Here, I thought he would deny it…shows you what I know.

“Just like you tried helping me, to raise Baylee right, by turning me into you?” Nick’s arm, finally, left my shoulder. He stood up; joining AJ and Howie…it almost looked like they were preparing to attack Kevin.

“You didn’t know anything, about raising a kid!” I looked from Kevin, to the others, and then the doorway.

“Obviously, you aren’t the greatest, at it, either!” AJ’s voice almost screamed. Speaking of which, where was Mason? Hiding, probably…and I couldn’t blame him. This looked like it was going to get, pretty, heated…heck, it was well on the way there, already. I wondered if I could sneak out, of the room, without them noticing. I was already an emotional wreck, and didn’t, really, feel like sitting through this.

“At least AJ didn’t put his family in danger, with his drug use.” Howie scoffed, pursing his lips and crossing his arms. “How long have you been using now? Since what…’99?”

“Excuse me?!? I never took anything, other than prescription pills, until after Brian’s death!”

“Bullshit!” AJ was, now, in Kevin’s face, shouting. I couldn’t help rolling my eyes, as I let out a slow sigh, and watched the fight progress. “You were using, before I was!”

“Pre..scrip..tion…PILLS! I was on anxiety pills…anti-depressants, on and off. Nothing illegal, Alexander!” Kevin gave AJ a, light, push, on the shoulder. Great…it looked like we’re making huge strides, toward working things out.

“Oh yeah? Prescriptions, huh? If that’s true…why did you start using crack, Kevin?” Howie intervened, pulling AJ back, a few steps.

“You want to know what happened? HUH? You really want to know?” Kevin’s face portrayed some, serious, anger, but there was something else, too. I couldn’t figure out, what it was…it looked like I was about to find out, though.

“YES!” AJ, Howie, and Nick all screamed, unanimously. Oh this was SURE to be good. Maybe we would get somewhere, after all. You can’t fix something, until you know what it is, right? So if Kevin confesses everything, maybe we can start working through this. I could only hope.

Sitting back, I drew in a ragged breath. My heart still wasn’t beating normally, and it ached like never before. I had a headache, the size of the, entire, state of Kentucky. My eyes burned, and stung, from all my crying, but tears were still on edge, threatening to fall, at any time. Would it ever get better? After all these years, it still hurt, like I had just found out. Now, I was watching more, of my family, get ripped, to shreds. Maybe there was still time, to fix it, before I lost more of the people I loved.

Tucking my legs, underneath me, I prepared myself, for the verbal blows that were, surely, about to fly; and the explanation we had waited, so long, for. Kevin couldn’t have looked any more annoyed, but yet he also looked strangely uncomfortable. The other guys, however, showed all the signs, of being angry and hurt. Each face portrayed so many mixed emotions, making it hard to separate one from another.

The room’s silence was anything but comforting, as the air, around me, grew thicker. With each passing moment, I found it harder and harder, to breathe. The tension was suffocating, and the glares being passed around, made my skin squirm, as I sat silently.

My eyes darted, around the room, as I waited for someone to say something…anything. Everything, in me, wanted to flee the room, but, on the other hand, I needed the closure that could come, from this. Knowing that we all needed this, I contained my urge, to run.

“Well…” AJ’s eyes looked to be piercing Kevin, right down to the soul. “…what the fuck are you waiting for, Richardson? Don’t you have anything to say, for yourself?” His voice shot daggers, of pure ice, through the tense air.

“Come on…you have to talk sometime, and I think we’ve waited long enough.” Nick’s voice was only slightly warmer, as he cocked his head, to the side and crossed his arms. The need, for explanation, had be suppressed so long, that it had turned into nothing more than bitter grudges.

“Alright…enough already.” I was taken back, by the steadiness, of Howie’s voice, as he interjected. My thoughts drifted, momentarily, wondering why Howie seemed to be so much calmer than Nick, and AJ.

“I…” Kevin began to speak, his voice wavering, slightly. “…I…I…don’t…even know where to start.”

“How about the beginning?” Howie suggested, shrugging his shoulders, and stepping back a bit. The beginning did seem like the best place to start; after all, begin and start do mean the same thing.

Once again, the room fell silent. Kevin looked torn, and even more uncomfortable, as all eyes remained, on him. Letting out a loud sigh, of frustration, AJ shifted his weight, pursing his lips and letting his brows furrow. Nick just shook his head; a surefire sign that his irritation was peaking.

“Fuck this damn shit.” AJ blurted, loudly, making me jump, slightly. “He ain’t gonna say anything…he never does!” Throwing his hands, in the air, he turned on his heal and stalked to the other side, of the room.

“I don’t…I don’t want to talk about this…anymore.” Kevin’s scowl made me cringe. It didn’t seem like a scowl, of anger, but of…something else, I couldn’t, quite, figure out what it was, though.

“Don’t want to talk about it?!?” Nick questioned, narrowing his eyes. Tempers were nearing the breaking point, and I found myself betting that AJ would be the first, to lose it.

Repositioning myself, I caught a glimpse of Mason, standing in the doorway. He looked at me, with sadness mixed in his eyes, along with the same frustration that I felt. Going unnoticed, by the adults, he silently made his way over, and sat beside me. We exchanged looks, and a deep sigh, before turning back, to the adults.

“That’s what I said.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he made a few steps, toward the doorway. “I’ll just um…go up and…”

“Oh hell no!” AJ’s strained scream, interrupted him. Were my eyes playing tricks, or did Kevin just flinch, ever so slightly? Taking quick steps, AJ grabbed Kevin’s shoulder, turning him back around, to face everyone. AJ positioned himself, directly, in front of Kevin, giving him a death glare. “There is no fucking way, you aren’t talking!” Only a foot, of space, separated the men, as AJ’s eyes bore, deep, into Kevin.

“Guys…” Taking a few steps closer, Howie set his hand on AJ’s shoulder, but it was, immediately, shrugged off.

“No.” He cut Howie off, not tearing his eyes off, of Kevin. That little vein, in the side of AJ’s neck, was pulsing with anger, as his lips pursed into a furious scowl. I met Mason’s gaze, and saw worry, traced, in his eyes. When my gaze turned back, to the scene before us, I cringed, seeing AJ shove Kevin’s shoulder. “He’s going to fuckin’ talk! And he’s going to do it now!”

“Don’t touch me!” The piercing growl, made my younger cousin jump, moving closer, to me.

“Come on, Kevin…” AJ growled back, shoving Kevin’s shoulder, again. “You don’t even have an explanation, do you…huh?” Yet another shove, was given, to Kevin’s shoulder. “You’re just making up excuses for your shitty behavior, aren’t you?”

“Back off! You don’t know the first thing, about this, Alexander!” An eruption was rumbling inside, of Kevin, and I knew it would only be moments, before he blew. Glancing from Kevin, to AJ, I knew that AJ was ready to match any explosion that Kevin could muster.

“I know that you’re just fucking around, instead of being a man and fessing up, to shit!” I tried to remember the last time that I had seen AJ’s face portray this much anger, but my memory failed me. Although he had a temper, it rarely escalated, to this point. His eyes looked glazed over, his jaw was clenched tightly, and his eyebrows were knitted together. Kevin’s face almost mirrored that anger, but there was something, in his eyes, that I still couldn’t label.

“AJ’s right!” Nick stepped up, with his own look, of pure fury. “Talk. After everything you’ve put us through, you owe us that much!” A flash of guilt flashed through Kevin’s eyes, but was quickly gone. It happened so fast that I wasn’t sure if I really saw it, in the first place. The pieces fell together, in my mind, as I realized the unknown emotion, in Kevin’s eyes, was some level, of fear.

“I don’t owe you anything!” Kevin’s face changed, suddenly. The anger fell away, and was replaced by something more heart wrenching...it was actually a mixture of things. Looking closely, I saw that guilt, in his eyes again…regret and frustration…pain. There was more, to this, than met the eye…it ran deeper than any, of us, had expected. Evidently, I was the only one, who saw it.

“Bastard!” My attention snapped back, to the scene, in front of me. My jaw dropped and eyes went wide, as I saw AJ’s fist cut through the air, connecting with Kevin’s jaw.

“OW…damn it, Alexander!” Kevin’s hand flew up, cupping his jaw, as he glared at AJ. I sucked in a breath, bracing myself, for a full fist fight.

“ALEX!” Howie set his hands, on AJ’s shoulders, obviously shocked at his actions. Mason’s face, matched mine, as our jaws remained hanging open. I cringed, seeing Kevin start to lunge, toward AJ.

“I’m going to make you regret that, Alexander!” Nick stepped between Kevin, and AJ, placing his hand on Kevin’s chest. “Move, Nickolas!” Kevin attempted to move, around him, shoving to get past. While Nick fought, to hold Kevin at bay, Howie struggled to hold AJ back.

“HEY! This isn’t solving anything!” Howie’s voice wasn’t as calm, anymore, as he pulled AJ back and stepped in front, of him.

“Go ahead and make me regret it, Richardson…I fucking dare you! You don’t even have the balls to talk to us…you sure as hell don’t have them, to make me regret a damn thing!”

“You don’t know anything, about this! So, why don’t you back, the hell, off me, McLean?” Kevin’s voice cracked, but I couldn’t tell if it was from the volume…or something else. He seemed so uncomfortable…maybe even nervous.

“GUYS! Enough already! Seriously!” Nick remained between them, his hand on Kevin’s chest. This was getting out of hand. When would it stop?

“It’s his fucking fault!” AJ’s voice thundered, louder than ever; his finger pointing at the older man. I couldn’t take it anymore…this was insane. The fighting was getting out of hand, and needed to stop. You can’t work anything out, if you’re just screaming at each other. My thoughts drifted, for a moment, thinking of all the times I spent screaming back, and forth, with Nick; and how we never got anywhere, when we did.

Looking up, I watched Kevin and AJ struggling, to get to each other. The arguing was raging on, as Nick and Howie tried to play referee. All four voices were screaming, mixing together in a confusing jumble. Seeing Mason near tears, I knew I had to say something. I felt like I needed to protect my little cousin, from the madness. Something had to be said, or done, and fast. Swallowing the lump that resided in my throat, I opened my mouth, prepared to say something, when…

“Stop it!” Mason’s voice cracked, through the air, making everyone stop and look his way. My mouth still open, I stared, at him, seeing that his eyes were actually watering, now. “Please…please just…stop. Stop yelling! Stop fighting! You guys promised, no more fighting…you…you promised!” Pain etched all over his face, he tried to blink away the tears that were threatening, to fall. Letting my hand reach out, I set it on his arm, trying to offer some kind of support or comfort.

“You guys did promise.” My voice was soft, and barely audible, as I looked up at them. I knew how Mason felt…the frustration…the pain…it sucked watching your family fall apart. Let’s face it, we have other blood relatives, but this was always the core, of our family…no matter how dysfunctional it has been.

“We did promise.” AJ’s arms dropped, as he shrugged off Howie’s hands, and took a few steps back. His face softened, as he walked over, to us. Looking back, to Kevin, they locked eyes. “We shouldn’t fight…especially in front of the boys.”

“AJ’s right.” Kevin’s comment made everyone’s attention snap, to him. “I’m sorry, boys…I was out of line.” Bowing his head, he shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah, me, too. I uh…sorry I decked you, Kev.”

“I deserved it…I um…well it’s my fault. Over the years I’ve…I’ve done things that…I’m not so proud of, now. I thought they were right, at the time…but obviously…” Letting out a sigh, Kevin trailed off, walking over and sinking down, into the recliner.

“You have to talk, to us, about it, Kevin.” Howie spoke up, as everyone found a seat, and tried to get comfortable. Irritation was still evident, around the room, but the anger seemed to subside, slightly.

“There’s just so much, to explain, and I really don’t expect you, all, to understand.” A long sigh escaped his mouth, as he rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t even understand most of it, anymore.”

“I think it’s safe, to say, that we can’t get anymore confused, than we already are.” I could sense that AJ was trying to hold back his anger, as he spoke to Kevin. The room fell silent again.

“Um…what if we take it one topic, at a time?” Nick sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Ok, this was good…everyone was sitting down…voices were calmer…the glares, of death, had stopped…

“How about we start, by clearing up this drug thing. You said something about prescriptions?” Howie waved a hand, in the air, as if to portray his confusion. This was it…we were really going to get somewhere! I was nervous and anxious…to a point that my heart was beating twice its normal rate.

“They were for anxiety. It’s not uncommon, you know. I was stressed out and…whatever…so my doctor gave them to me, to help me deal with things.” Kevin’s shoulders shrugged, as he slouched further, into the recliner.

“But why…would you give them…to AJ?” Howie emphasized his words, and I think his tolerance levels were starting to fade, again. I said a silent prayer, hoping that we could make some kind of progress…any progress…before another fight broke out.

“I already told you!” Throwing his hands, in the air, Kevin’s scowl surfaced, again. “I thought they would help him! I had switched to a different prescription, but still had half, of that bottle, left.” His face softened, once more, as he continued on, with his explination. “AJ had recently found out about the decline in his grandmother’s health, and we were all noticing more drastic changes, in his behavior. I knew his drinking was starting to get, completely, out of control. I thought, by taking the pills, it would help him deal with everything. None of us could get him to talk, or listen; he just kept on the same destructive path, and I was hoping that, by taking the anxiety pills, he wouldn’t feel such a need, to drink! It made sense! I just didn’t know he would mix them with over the counter sedatives, and even more Jack Daniels.”

“Why didn’t you talk to us, about this, to begin with? We could have helped keep an eye, on him. You knew that we were all concerned!” Nick looked from Kevin, to AJ, who looked, almost, ashamed. I can’t imagine that he was prepared, for the old wounds to be ripped, back, open. AJ, to this day, still struggled with his past. He was doing well, and I am sure Riley was a big part, of that, but who would want their mistakes brought up, again, and thrown in their face?

“Nick brings up a good point. Why wouldn’t you have told us, about this?” Licking his lips, Howie directed his attention, to the oldest man. There was so much, to this, that we hadn’t heard yet…who was right? Who was wrong? Or was everyone partially wrong?

“Because it’s technically illegal and I couldn’t allow you guys to think that I condoned illegal behavior. I was the ‘father’ of the group, back then, and I was supposed to be responsible for all, of you.” At that moment, Kevin appeared a good ten years older, than what he really was. He looked as if he had the weight, of the world, on his shoulders…like he was accountable, for so much more, than any one person should be.

“Here we go with this shit, again. How come you always use that fucking ‘I was the father, of the group’ line, as a fallback? Can’t you just admit that you were wrong?” AJ pursed his lips, repositioning himself. He let out a sharp puff, of air, as if he were mocking Kevin’s statements. Obviously, the wounds were still sore, and AJ was struggling to face the subject.

“It’s not shit, Alexander. I was viewed as the responsible one…the one that was supposed to keep the rest, of you, in line. Management expected it, of me. I never said I was good at it, or that I did it well…just that it was my title.” I do believe that I saw a hint, of hurt, in Kevin’s eyes, as his gaze met AJ’s.

“But…if you were only trying to help, by giving him anxiety medication…” Howie turned, tilting his head, and facing AJ. “…then why were you telling us that Kevin was responsible for getting you hooked, on drugs?”

“Because he was! He’s the one who made me realize that drugs could make you feel better!” AJ’s voice hit a new level, making me jump, but he remained in his seat. The raw pain, in his eyes, matched what I saw in Kevin’s. I found myself wondering if any, of them, realized how this was affecting each, of the others. There are always two sides, to a story, and it can be so hard, to see something through another person’s eyes….especially when you’ve only seen one side, for so many years.

“I think…maybe you misinterpreted his intentions?” Nick shrugged, before continuing, “Not that I think he was right, by giving them, to you.” Shaking his head, Nick sighed, like he couldn’t find the right words, to say.

The room went silent. AJ’s head fell into his hands and Kevin rubbed his hands over his face, as everyone else’s gaze fell to the floor. My eyes lifted, from the carpet, and I looked around, trying to analyze what I saw, in each person’s eyes. Oddly enough, each set portrayed the same things. My mind swirled, as we sat in an awkward silence.

Did the others even realize that Kevin was hurting, just as bas, as they were? That he had regrets…guilt…and pain, like them? Kevin didn’t look like that harsh monster that was always screaming and making threats, anymore. He looked like a broken man, who desperately needed someone to listen…someone to understand. After all, he was human, just like the rest, of us. I suppose, everyone had been ganging up, on him, for so long, that he was viewed as an enemy, of sorts.

Silently, I lifted myself, from the couch. Making my way, into the kitchen, I set out to retrieve six bottles, of water. After grabbing them, from the refrigerator, I headed back, into the living room. Making my way around the room, I passed out the drinks, then took my spot on the couch, and cracked open my own water. Something told me that this night was far, from over.

There was a good twenty minutes, of complete silence, after I came back with everyone’s drinks. The bottles of water were long gone, and everyone looked sad…of all the emotions that were felt, sadness was the one that seemed to be seen, on everyone’s face. I was beginning to wonder if the silence would bring me to a slow painful death, when Kevin cleared his throat.

“It isn’t easy, to talk about this.” His eyes lifted, from the floor, to AJ. “You, of all people, should understand this.” Every pair, of eyes, was now fixed on Kevin. He now looked confused…maybe even ashamed. “When I said I never took anything other than my prescriptions, until after Brian’s death…I meant it.”

“Well then what caused all those mood changes? Even the last few years, of Brian’s life…you weren’t yourself…you were like a completely different person.” The calmness, in Nick’s voice, amazed me. There was no anger, in it, and he sounded genuinely concerned.

“I honestly can’t answer that, Nick.” Letting out a heavy sigh, Kevin dropped his gaze, to the floor. “I started taking the pills, to help me cope with various things. Maybe my moods were contributed to the side effects, from the prescriptions…maybe I’d just lost the steam that had kept me going through our early years, as a group…maybe it was stress finally catching up to me…it could have been everything combined…I really don’t know. To be truthful…” Looking at Kevin, as he paused, I could swear there were tears forming in his eyes, again. “…I didn’t even see how much I was changing until…”

“Until the accident, right?”

“Yes AJ…until the accident.” Nodding his head, he seemed surprised that AJ was able to finish his sentence. Actually, I think we were all surprised by that.

“But you changed even more, after the accident Kevin. If you realized what was going on then why didn’t you correct it?” Howie shifted, in his seat, looking around the room before letting his eyes meet Kevin’s. I have to agree that he had a good question. Why would Kevin have just continued to let things go downhill, instead of fixing them? It didn’t really make much sense.

“Guilt.” One word…just that one word, from AJ’s mouth, sent Kevin into hysterical tears. It appeared; that AJ hit the nail on the head…he was right. How in the halibut was AJ right? “When you realized how you treated him, the guilt made things worse. Instead of fixing the problem, you allowed it to consume you…that’s when you tried the harder drugs…before you knew what was happening, you found yourself drowning in them, trying to forget.”

Kevin’s body shook, his head in his hands, as sobs invaded him. I guess AJ was really hitting home…he really had figured it out. How, though? Mason, and I, looked from AJ, to Kevin, confused. There was obviously something going on, that we didn’t understand…something we had missed.

“I…I just….” His voice cracked, and ultimately failed him, as he tried to speak through his tears. It was about time, we got somewhere! Part of me wanted to let out a sigh of relief, because we were making progress, but part of me was still sitting on edge, waiting for all the pieces to fit together.

“You thought you could make the pain go away.” AJ walked over to Kevin, sitting on the floor, in front of him. Kevin didn’t look up, as AJ continued. “…thought you could block it out…forget about it…make yourself numb to it.” Taking a long pause, he let out a deep sigh. “I get it now.”

“I…I…was …supposed to be there…why didn’t I protect…them?” Kevin’s voice was all over the place…the pitch and tone cracked…his sobs making it hard to understand him. “I should….have done something…anything! I’m such an asshole! I never meant…I only wanted….but it didn’t…and I…” The next movement came from AJ, and it shocked everyone else, in the room. He sat up on his knees, and wrapped his arms around the older man. The rest, of us, looked at each other, surprised.

“Come on Kev….just let it out…it’s about fucking time you just…let it out.” AJ’s face was pain stricken, as he tightened his grip around Kevin’s shaking body. There was obviously something I didn’t get, and Mason was as baffled as I was.

“How could I have let…this happen? Why was I…” Kevin’s crying didn’t let up, but unlike last time…I was sure it was genuine. How I knew…beats me…but I did. “I…I screwed everything up! Brian…I know he…he had to…when he…and Kris…when it…oh God!” His shoulder shook with more force, as he let his fingers tangle in his hair.

“Brian didn’t hate you, Kevin…neither did Krs…” AJ’s voice was so quiet, as Kevin finally looked up, at him. I couldn’t help but let a small smile creep to my face when AJ added, “…none of us do.”

“How could you not? After the things I’ve done…what I’ve said…I’ve…I’ve been so horrible.”

“That doesn’t mean we hate you, Kevin…and it doesn’t mean that we can’t forgive you.”

“Howie’s right…” Nick finally looked up, from his fidgeting hands. He looked around the room, pausing when he came to me, and Mason. When he switched his gaze, over to Kevin, he spoke up again. “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. That’s the whole point of this trip, right? To talk? Heal? Be like a family again?” Shrugging his shoulders, he looked back down, to his hands. Kevin just nodded, slightly, unable to talk. He had stopped crying, but you could still see the pain, regret and shame, in his eyes.

“You can’t run, from it, anymore, Kevin. You have to face your demons…that’s the only way things can get any better.”

“Better, AJ? How…how can things get better?!? I’ve…I lost my wife…I don’t even have my son anymore…and…I killed my cousin.” Tears nestled in his eyes, again, as Kevin looked up at AJ.

“You didn’t kill Brian…it was an accident…that’s something we all need to accept.”

“You know…” I looked over at Nick, as he stood up and crossed the living room floor. He sat down, next to AJ, and looked up at Kevin, who was still hunched in the recliner. “…it’s not often we get to say it…but AJ’s right.”

“Thanks, Carter…’ppreciate it.” Rolling his eyes, AJ nudged Nick’s shoulder. It was nice to have a light moment, in the middle of all this…crap…it didn’t last long, though.

“As much as we like to blame ourselves…”

“…none of us could have stopped it. Well…at least that’s what Morgan always tells me.” I shrugged my shoulders, finishing Nick’s comment, and finally contributing to the conversation. At that moment, I looked over at Mason, just to make sure he was still awake. Of course, he was…but he was just so quiet and just stared at the floor.

“Besides…it’s not too late, with Mason.” Kevin’s head snapped, to look at Nick. “The only reason Kris gave me temporary custody was because…well, she knew it would piss you off. She thought that you would want him out of my guardianships so badly…that it would make you get help…and get better. Even before she passed, Kev…she still loved you…sure she wasn’t happy with your behavior, but she didn’t hate you, either.”

The room fell silent, again, as Kevin looked from one man, to another. After several moments, his eyes drifted to me, but ended on Mason. A low whisper escaped his lips, his eyes tearing up again. “I miss my son.” I watched Mason hop up, quickly, and run over to his dad. As he drew near, Kevin looked up, and then Mason fell into his arms.

“I miss my dad.” Mason clung to Kevin. Wrapping his arms around his son, Kevin broke down into tears again. I’ve never seen him cry this much…actually…I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kevin truly cry. There were the few times I had seen him fake it, but this time, it seemed so real…like his heart was actually aching and like he really felt sorry for his actions.

“So basically…” Howie spoke up, making Kevin and Mason break apart. Bringing his hands up, Kevin quickly wiped his cheeks, before turning his attention to Howie; and Mason took a seat on the floor, next to Kevin. “…if I have this straight…you were on prescriptions, for stress and anxiety? Then after the accident, you exposed yourself to illegal drugs, trying to compensate for your previous actions, and the guilt or grief that you were feeling?”

Clearing his throat, Kevin looked down to his hands. “Sounds um…pretty stupid, doesn’t it?” He let his gaze come up, to scan everyone in the room.

“So…if you were so upset about how you treated Brian, and everything…” Nick visibly swallowed, as if a large lump was stuck in his throat. His fingers twisted, at the hem of his shirt, as he continued. “Why uh…why did you…”

“…treat you like shit?” Kevin’s voice was low, when he realized where Nick’s question was leading. Everyone straightened up, waiting for his response…his excuse…whatever explanation he could offer. He drew in a deep breath, his shoulders visibly sinking. “I guess because I felt like I could have prevented the accident…I felt like I took Baylee’s dad away from him. I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure he was raised the way Brian would have wanted. I didn’t think you could handle raising him…you’ve always been an oversized kid, yourself, how could you raise one? I didn’t think about there being a reason for Brian picking you…or that he was an oversized kid, too…my brain couldn’t accept that he would have wanted you to raise Baylee the way you saw fit…I just thought…I don’t know, like I had to…control the situation because it was my fault the situation even existed. God none of this makes sense when I say it out loud.” He let his head drop into his hands, his eyes squeezing shut.

“You didn’t think I could handle Bay? As much time as I spent with him before the accident? As much as I watched him? As responsible as I was, with him?” Nick’s eyes looked hurt and offended, as he questioned Kevin. I couldn’t blame him. Sure Nick, and I, don’t get along too well, sometimes…but he never slacked off, when it came to me…he always took care of me, made me do my homework, study for my tests, supported me when I needed it…

“I guess I failed to see how much you had grown up, over the years. I mean obviously you had matured, but I guess I was reluctant to see how much you had matured. Then when you got custody…I couldn’t see past the little blonde runt that couldn’t even take care of himself.” Kevin refused to meet Nick’s gaze, as he spoke. “Overall…I was an asshole, and I really don’t have a good excuse for it.”

“At least you can admit it.” Shaking his head, Nick turned on his heel and headed back to the couch. He plopped down, next to me, giving me a somewhat defeated look. The room fell silent, once again. Was that it? It couldn’t be that simple, could it? I mean Kevin had clarified a lot, of things…but…everyone was so calm and it just seemed too easy. I’ve gotten used to everything being complicated and frustrating…could it be possible that something went smoothly, for once?

“So where do we stand, then?” At the sound, of AJ’s voice, everyone looked up, not knowing what to say.

“Where do we go, from here?”

“How do we fix this family?” Nick added to the line of questions, without letting the others even be answered.

“Can…can I have my dad back…now?” Mason let his eyes look up, and plead with his father. Everything relied on Kevin…how he would react…if he would change…if he would allow things to return to some kind of normalcy. Unfortunately, only time would really tell.

“Um…all I wanna know is if the fighting can be over.” I gave the group a lopsided grin, which was returned by almost everyone. Again…the room went quiet. Almost ten minutes passed, everyone just looking around, at each other. “Ok…someone say something!” I let a sigh escape my lips. All I wanted was for one of the adults to bring this to a conclusion, so that everyone knew where we stood…were things going to get better now? Would Kevin be able to stay sober? Was Mason going to be coming home with me, and Nick? Somebody better give me some answers!

“It time for us to put this all behind us…move on…let it rest in the past, so that we can work on the relationships we need to have, now.” My eyes widened, as I looked to the owner, of the voice. I know Nick’s not usually the type to hold grudges, but I didn’t expect him to forgive and forget, all the crap Kevin put him through, that quickly.

“We have to get over everything that’s happened and work on putting the pieces back together. If not for our own sake…we have to do it, for the boys.” I didn’t really expect AJ to be so calm, and willing to forget, either. He’s the one who actually claimed to hate Kevin, more than anyone else in the world. Then again, I know, from experience, that people can say things they really don’t mean, in the heat of an argument.

“I did a lot of thinking, during rehab and I realized a lot of things.” Kevin looked up, locking eyes with each person, for a moment before he stood up and approached Nick. “I’m sorry for not having faith in you…for not trusting that you would take good care, of Baylee, when you have proven yourself time and time again…for being an idiot about the whole thing. Brian made a good choice, and I’ve just failed to see it…I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Kevin.” Nick was now standing and staring into Kevin’s eyes…matching his gaze. Suddenly, Nick stepped to him, giving him a quick hug. Next thing I knew, Kevin was looking straight at me.

“I owe you an apology, too, Baylee. I’ve done nothing but make things harder, for you. My ignorance has put a strain on your relationship, with Nick. All this time, I thought the fighting and rebellion toward his authority was because he was doing such a poor job at being your guardian…but, I know I’ve contributed, by always belittling him, in front of you. By constantly doing that, I made you question his authority more and, in turn, made things harder than they needed to be.” I stared at him, not knowing what to say. I’ve never thought about the impact Kevin’s words may have had, on my behavior…yet, it made sense.

He made his rounds, apologizing to each one, of us. Telling AJ that his intentions, for giving him the pills, was to help him, but now he could see where he may have just made things worse; and also for being hypocritical by riding AJ’s back, so hard, about his addictions when he had his own addictions, too. He apologized, to Howie, for passing so many responsibilities, onto his shoulders…for making Howie pick up the slack, when he wasn’t holding up his end of things. Lastly, he pulled Mason into his arms, begging for his forgiveness. He said he was sorry for all the pain he put Mason through…for unintentionally ripping his mother away…and for not being the father he should have been.

After the round of apologies, everyone hugged and agreed to start things over…clearing the records and focusing on our ‘family’. We started this out with dinner. Kevin headed out, to finish the chores, Howie offering to help him. AJ started picking up the house and setting the table for dinner, while Nick, Mason, and I prepared dinner. Just as we were about to sit down and eat, the doorbell rang. Rushing out of the room, I went to open the front door.

“Hello?” Looking at the two women before me, I was puzzled. I didn’t have the slightest clue who they were.

“Oh my goodness, Baylee! You’ve grown so much!” The blonde woman gushed, grabbing me into a hug. She was a bit taller than me, with short blonde hair; she looked to be around Nick’s age and a set of blue eyes that almost matched his. I’m sure my face was covered in shock, as this unknown woman gripped me tightly.

“Darby, hun…he probably doesn’t even remember you. Just look at the poor boy’s face.” The other woman chuckled. She was shorter than me; with soft brown eyes and longer dark brown hair. I felt Nick’s hand rest on my shoulder, as the woman finally released me.

“Bay Bay…this is Mel…and Darby…right? We were just sitting down for dinner, would you ladies like to join us? There’s plenty to go around.” Nick offered them a warm smile, stepping aside, to let them in.

“Thanks, Nick!” They both chimed, in unison, nodding their acceptance, of his offer. I was still completely confused. Who the heck are these women? Are they relatives…old friends…neighbors? Why can’t anyone fill me in, here? They followed Nick, into the dining room, with me right behind. Sitting down, the adults all started talking a mile a minute, leaving me and Mason in the dust. Mason and I looked at each other, confused, but shrugged our shoulders and dug in. This day was surely going to get even more interesting, which I had previously thought to be impossible!

“So then, the balloon popped, right in your hands! You poor thing…you screamed for a good ten minutes!” Darby’s eyes twinkled, as she finished telling me some story, from my childhood. I had come to find that Darby was a relative, to my father, by marriage. They had explained it all, but I just got confused…I was told I could just call her Aunt Darby…I’m not really sure if she’s actually an aunt, or a great aunt, or a fourth cousin twice removed.

“Oh but you were as cute as a button! You just clung to Nick’s leg, since your parents were in the house rounding up dinner. You two have always been so adorable together!” Mel was, evidently, another relative…again, I wasn’t sure exactly how we were related. Seriously…when they tried to explain it, it was like some sort of twisted history lesson or something…my dad was related to so and so, who married this person, and that person’s daughter was cousins to another person, who married somebody else…I mean really, did they expect me to know what they were talking about?

“HEY!” AJ, who was sitting across from Mel, pointed his fork, at her. “You should tell them the story about the time with the tire swing and the pigs…that’s a good one!”

“I remember that! It was right after that nasty storm.” Howie chuckled, obviously remembering the story that AJ had brought up. This was like some weird family reunion…the adults had not stopped talking, since the moment we all sat down, to eat.

“Oh…that is a good one!” Mel’s head bobbed, as she served herself some more potatoes. I had to admit, they were really nice. I wasn’t too sure if I liked the adults talking about all these stories, from when Mason and I were younger, but the air was light and it was a nice change. It was so much easier to breathe, in this atmosphere, as opposed to the one from earlier this evening.

“Mmm! The storm was horrible…I remember the winds were near record speeds, for that summer.” Kevin had been very involved, with the conversations. Everyone seemed so at ease...there had not been a single harsh word, and I could tell that it wasn’t just because the ladies were here. “The barn door was nearly ripped off.”

“Oh yes, and the pigs got out, somehow. I still don’t think Nick closed their pen’s gate all the way.” Darby picked up the story, throwing a smirk in Nick’s direction. Rolling his eyes, he let out a huff.

“I closed that gate…it was latched.” Nick’s head tilted when Darby and Mel giggled at him. “I’m serious!”

“No matter. The point is that the pigs got loose, in the middle of this bad storm. The thunder was so loud that you two boys would jump right out of your skin, every time it cracked…and the lightning, wow, it lit up the whole sky!” Darby was a lady who talked with her hands and it worried me a little, since I was sitting next to her and her hands kept coming awfully close to her glass. I could just see the grape juice spilling all over my clothes…and I was wearing my favorite shirt, which happened to be mainly white…and as we all know...grape juice doesn’t come out!

“Boy, the rain sure was coming down, too! After a while, the lightning and thunder dissipated, but the rain just would not let up!” Mel happily continued the story, as she used her fork to make a mountain, out of her corn and potatoes.

“Of course we had to round up the pigs.” Nick rolled his eyes, annoyed at the memory. Surely he was not too hip, on the idea of chasing pigs in the rain. You know…I wouldn’t have wanted to do it, either!

“All of us headed out to find the pigs, since they were scattered everywhere. You two boys were having the time, of your lives, out in those mud puddles…well, with that storm, they were more like mud lakes!” Kevin’s chuckle filled the air and a smile crossed his lips. He looked off, as if he were getting lost in the memory.

“So here you two little ones are…covered from head to toe, in mud! Brian and Nick are trying to get you to come along and help find the pigs. I’m not sure how they were able to get you to do it, but finally you followed, shouting ‘Here, piggy, piggy!’, at the top of your lungs.” Howie contributed, to the story, leaning back in his seat.

“So the five of us…you two, me, Bri and Howie…all head down toward the lake. Once we get there, we see the biggest pig…he was like hiding under the trees or whatever. Needless to say, when you guys saw the tire swing, the whining started. Neither, of you had been out there before, so it was all new, to you and you wanted to play on the tire swing.” Nick’s grin grew, with every word. Everyone was chuckling, as they all took turns telling us the story. All the plates were empty now, and everyone was just sitting, at the table, talking about what had happened. Luckily, for me, Darby’s glass was empty, now, too!

“You and Brian were chasing that huge pig in every direction.” Howie shook his head, looking beside him, at Nick. “Mud was flying everywhere and we were starting to look like the kids!”

“Yeah, yeah! Then…Baylee, you were trying to climb onto the tire, while Howie was helping Mason tie his shoe. When all of the sudden the pig came flying your way…”

“Oh right! The pig ran into you, knocking you off your feet…”

“…and you landed on its back!” Nick and Howie were taking turns, now, dramatically explaining what happened. They would look serious…then crack up…then their eyes would grow wide…and their hands whipped in every direction.

“Now this pig is running wild, with you clinging to its back!” Howie took over again and I was beginning to get an ache, in my neck, from looking back, and forth, between them.

“Your legs were flying everywhere, as you wrapped your little arms around its neck. Your dad was flipping out and started chasing after it.”

“Brian was screaming ‘Let go of my son, you wicked swine!’ and Nick here was just double over, cracking up!” They both started laughing again, along with all the other adults. Mason and I looked at each other, not sure what to think about the events we were being told about…neither of us remembered the incident, but it was rather humorous, to picture it happening.

“Needless to say, we’re shouting at you, to let go, but you were scared the pig was gonna trample you, if you did. So, you just hung onto that pig, like nobody’s business.”

“Finally, we joined Brian, in chasing the pig. It was running in circles, kicking up more and more mud. Your dad’s face was covered, Baylee, and he had this crazy look, on his face.”

“Yeah yeah…” Nick was getting a little too into this, as he leaned forward. Everyone was in a fit of giggles, chuckles, or full out laughter. The story wasn’t done yet, though. “So we get this thing cornered, right? Well, finally you fall off it, because it stopped moving. Then it charges at your dad! So he’s running around, being chased by this pig, and his arms are waving in the air like he had just seen a zombie!”

“He came running all the way back, to the house. We had already gotten the other pigs rounded up, when we see him come running out of the woods, screaming like a little school girl! His arms are waving, he’s zig zagging back and forth, he’s covered in mud, and running at full speed. Nick and Howie are right behind him, each carrying one of you, on their hip. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long damn time!” AJ shook his head, laughing and obviously remembering the events, very clearly.

“AJ and I grabbed the pig, as Brian ran past, and got it back into the pen, with all the others. It took several minutes before he caught his breath, and mumbled something about being happy we caught the wicked pig.” There was an obvious change in Kevin…his attitude…his smile…his tone of voice…it was obvious that the talking had done him some good. I was relieved that things might really get back to normal, this time.

“Once he finally caught his breath, he casually walked up to Kevin…” Darby’s grin told me what had happened next. It wasn’t even that hard to figure out, so I just finished her sentence for her.

“Let me guess…dad hugged him.”

“EXACTLY!” The whole table, of adults chimed together, before bursting into loud fits of laughter.

“I can imagine the look on your face, dad.” This was the first time Mason had spoken, since everyone sat down. He had been so quiet; barely laughing at the various stories we were told. I was wondering if something was wrong, but when he looked at me, I realized he was probably just thinking things over.

“Well, we best be on our way.” Everyone stood, as Mel smiled and set her napkin down.

“Oh my! I hadn’t realized it had gotten so late! Please forgive us for not staying to help with the dishes.” Darby frowned, looking at the guys. I knew it was pretty standard, especially in our family, that when you were a guest for a meal…you always helped to clean up. Most of the time the host would tell you it wasn’t necessary, but you still offered, at least twice, to help.

“Um…don’t worry about it, Mason and I can clean up.” Yes, I offered to do the cleaning…I know, shocker, right? But, the ladies were nice…and the talk had finally happened…I just figured it would be good to suck it up and take the duties.

“We will?” Mason lifted a brow, turning to me. I gave him an elbow, in the ribs, and that look that Nick always gives me…you know…the one that says ‘Don’t argue with me, because you’re gonna do it, and you’re gonna like it.’.

“Of course we will, Mason! We have a lot to be thankful for, and it’s the least we can do.” I turned my gaze to the ladies, who were heading toward the front door. A few moments of good-bye’s and they were on their way. After waving them off, I pulled Mason back into the dining room. He gave me a look, of hesitation, but I smothered it with another ‘Don’t you dare argue.’ look. When we carried the second load, of dishes, into the kitchen, we found Nick standing at the sink.

“Hey boys…just set those right there, on the counter.” His arms were up to the elbow, in soap suds, as he washed the silverware. He gave me a grin, and nodded to the counter, where he wanted the dirty dishes to go. I set the plates down and reached over, to slip the forks into the sink.

“Oops! I’m sorry, Nick!” I apologized as soon as I saw the suds spring up and hit him in the nose. Really, I didn’t mean to drop the forks, like that…but they were a little greasy and they slipped. Nick turned his head, glaring at me, with the little bubbles still on his nose. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Oh that’s it young man!” His face looked mad, but I knew it was an act when he sent suds flying through the air. They hit me square, in the face. Nick leaned onto the sink, laughing.

“Eew! My mouth was open!” Scrunching my nose, I quickly came back up to him and tried to reach around him. He moved his body, to keep me away from the suds, but I slipped an arm under his and tried flinging more bubbles, at him.

“Um…I think I’ll just…” Mason started backing out of the room, when Nick and I looked at each other, with wicked grins. All at once, Mason had four handfuls of soap suds flying at him. Before I knew it, there was an all out war, in the kitchen. We were chasing each other around, throwing bubbles, and tackling each other.

“What the fuck is…” When AJ walked in, to find out what the commotion was al about, he didn’t even get to ask the whole question, before he was attacked. Mason hoped onto his back, while Nick rubbed bubbles in his hair. Howie was next, to be pulled into the brawl…followed lastly, by Kevin. The whole house was in an uproar! Laughter filled the house, and everyone participated in the game. It was stress relief, at its best!

Once the brawl settled down, an hour later, I begged Nick to take me to town. I wanted, so badly, to talk to Morgan and fill her in, on everything…I just didn’t have cell signal on the farm, and there was no land line, since no one lives there on a permanent basis. Luckily, Nick agreed…and even had a grin, on his face, when he did.

“You’ll get signal, as soon as we get around these curves, and over that hill there.” Nick chuckled, seeing me stare at my cell, waiting for signal to appear. I saw him shake his head. “When will you realize Bay? When will you realize?”

“Realize what?” Briefly looking up, from my phone, I turned my attention to him. He was just about to respond when my phone beeped, telling me I finally had signal! My fingers quickly hit the speed dial number, for Morgan, and then the phone was to my ear.

“BAYLEE!!!!!!” Morgan’s voice nearly pierced my eardrum, but I’ve never been so happy, to hear her squeal. A smile instantly crossed my face, as she began to talk a mile, a minute. Have I ever mentioned that I love my best friend?

Vacation was finally over and we were packed back into the van, with the cramped up legs and stiff shoulders. The last few days, at the family farm, actually went pretty well. Of course they were not without a few arguments, but they weren’t anything like they used to be. It was really weird to see an argument between Nick, Kevin, and AJ end in a compromise…and the compromise happened before anyone got the chance to start yelling! I even had to pinch myself, just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating! Everyone was putting forth their best effort, to make things better, and that was clearly obvious.

Now, I was leaning my head back and letting out a soft sigh. The silence, of the van, was driving me completely crazy! No one was talking and the radio wasn’t even on…which I found odd, but I just figured it was to spare any argument, over the music choice. I had been occupying my mind by texting with Morgan, but she had to go help her mom, with something. Therefore, I now found myself insanely BORED, fiddling with my dad’s journal, in my hands.

I was debating on reading some of the journal, but I find myself torn. Reading the journal makes me feel closer to my dad. Sometimes, I look beside me, and swear I can see him sitting there, smiling at me. On the other hand, though, it’s sort of depressing, because I know there are so many memories, that the journal doesn’t cover…ones that may be forever forgotten. I was so young, when mom and dad left me, that my memories seem to be few, and far between…unless something triggers my brain, to remember.

This is what I find so frustrating…and so unfair! I mean, if God decided it was time to take my parents, couldn’t he have, at least, left me with my memories? Not that I expect to remember every little detail, about them, or my childhood, but I do wish I could remember more. The adults, in this van, all have vivid and clear memories of my parents…mine seem fuzzy, like the snow stuff you get on your TV, when the cable goes out…and incomplete, like a puzzle that lost most of its pieces. My heart even aches, when they start talking about my dad, like they just saw him yesterday. How is it fair, that they get those whole memories, and I don’t?

Looking down at the journal, and running my fingers, over the worn leather, I found myself wishing it was only half, of a set. I could never deny that I cherish my dad’s journal; with everything in me…I just wish I had my mom’s diary, to go with it. There is no way for me to know, if she even kept a diary, but the thought of all the memories she may have been able to spark, makes me wish I had something like that, from her. Not once have I looked beside me, and sworn I could feel her sitting there. I can picture her face, in my mind, but…it’s just…different. Maybe I just had a different connection, with my dad…maybe it’s because of having his journal, to read…I can’t exactly describe the difference, and I guess no one else could really understand, unless they have felt it, too.

My fingers slipped under the leather cord, that tied the journal closed, and I began to loosen it. Reading one or two entries would help to pass the time, if nothing else. I really could use an escape from the boring, yet still stressful, road trip. Dad’s journal was my own personal time machine, and a blast, to the past, may be entertaining…depending on dad’s mood in the entries.

“Can’t we turn on the radio?” Mason’s voice was some kind of cross between a whine, and a groan, as it snapped me out of my thoughts. Glancing to my watch, I found that we had been on the road for three hours, already, without even a bathroom break. I’d be willing to bet that was because AJ was driving and he was in a mad rush, to get home and see Riley. Although, I would be lying if I said that, I wasn’t just as excited about seeing Morgan. Both AJ, and I, had a long wait ahead of us, though. Mason and I were sitting in the back, of the van, just like we had been before. I looked at him with a raised brow, not really wanting him to set off his dad’s irritation, or anything. “This is so boring!”

“Find a way to entertain yourself, Mason.” Kevin was sitting directly in front, of me, and surprisingly did not sound upset…at least, not yet. Given time, though, his mood would surely turn, for the worse.

“Yeah right, dad!” Mason’s voice dropped into a low whisper, as he continued, “we all know what happened the last time you said that.” Oh great…so much for reading dad’s journal…or for having hope of a peaceful trip.

“Mason! Don’t push it.” I had to say something, even if Kevin was showing no signs of being annoyed. If there’s any way to avoid tension and another argument, you should know I was going to try! Mason just looked at me, with defeat, and a boredom that matched mine. Has anyone ever come to the conclusion that road trips suck? Like…really…really suck! They’re long…tiring…boring…then you always get killer kinks in your neck and legs!

“We do need something, to entertain us.” Nick’s voice floated from the front passenger seat, as he looked over his shoulder. “Mason’s right…this is pretty boring.” His shoulders shrugged upwards, as he turned back around, in his seat. I don’t remember being on the road, being this boring. Maybe that was because my dad and Nick always kept me entertained…suddenly, I found myself missing that.

“We could just…talk…about something.” Howie was the next one, to look around, at everyone else. “There are a lot of stories, or whatever, that could be told.”

“Stories get boring, too, though.” Mason’s voice had a whine, to it, that was sure to start wearing on people’s nerves. I mean, I understand where he’s coming from, but Mason tends to get too whiney, about things. Ok, I get whiney, too…but not as much as he does! I cringed, hearing the sigh escape Kevin’s mouth, and I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to lead to anything good.

“Down…” He paused, to clear his throat, and then started back up, in a slow sing-song voice. I couldn’t help myself, as I leaned forward to look at him, with wrinkled brows. Boy was I off, thinking his sigh meant trouble! “Down by the bay…where the watermelons grow…back to my home…I dare not go…for if I do…my mother will say…”

“Have you ever seen a moose…kissin’ up on a goose? Down by the bay?” My eyes went wide, not believing that Kevin just started a song…and that Howie was now bobbing his head, as he took over, singing in that high voice, of his. “Down by the baaaaay, where the watermelons grooooow…back to my hooooome, I dare not gooooo. For if I dooooo, my mother will saaaaay…”

“…have you ever seen a cat, wearin’ ice ‘round his neck an’ a pimp style hat? Down by the bay?” AJ was, now, purposely doing a butch job, of rapping, as his lips pursed and one hand dramatically flew through the air. This was too much, for a kid to handle! What just happened, here? “Down by the bay. Where the watermelons grow. Back to my home. I dare not go. For if I do. My mother will say. Yo, Nick, hit it!”

“Have you ever seen a purple frog? Licking a yellow log? Down by the bay?” Despite the laugh, he was trying to hold back, Nick brought out that Anywhere For You kind of romantic singing…yeah, I know…weird! “Down by the baaay…where the watermelons grooow…back to my hooome…I dare not gooo…for if I dooo…my mother will saaay…”

“Wait….who’s gonna do Bri’s verse?” Dropping his voice, to a whisper, AJ glanced at the other guys, as he pulled off toward a rest stop. My thoughts drifted, for a moment, thinking back to my earlier childhood. I could remember singing this song, with them, a few times, out on tour. No wonder this all seemed so familiar, they always sang the same verses, in the same order…I remember it now, but what was my dad’s verse?

“Have you ever seen a church mouse…” My voice was soft, and my eyes were closed, at first, as I tried to remember. What was the next part? Come on! This is a part of my dad, I have to remember it!

“That’s it, little B!” A smile formed over my lips, as AJ’s voice rang clear, through my memories. “Rock it, boy! And don’t forget the knee!” My smile grew bigger, as the memories fit together.

“…quoting the Bible, while building a church house…DOWN BY THE BAY!” I let my voice hit full volume, as I clenched my fists and brought my knee up, just like my dad. The memories were more vivid now, and I could practically see my dad giving me that goofy grin, of his, as I continued the verse. “Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow! Back to my home, I dare not go! For if I do, my mother will say…”

“Have you ever seen a whale, with a checkered nose an’ a polka dotted tail, down by the bay?” Kevin picked up the last, of the usual verses, as he turned to look at Mason, letting him know it would be his turn next. “Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow…back to my home, I dare not go. For if I do, my mother will say…”

“Uh…” Mason’s eyes darted from one person, to another, as he obviously tried to think of a verse. “…have you ever seen a dog…” His eyes met mine, and I saw a sudden light bulb go off, in his head, as he grinned. “…scaring the frog, that’s licking the log, down by the bay?”

“Nice, Mase!” I nodded, at him, with a grin. Our hands met in mid-air, for a high-five, just as AJ parked the van. He grinned at me, and I couldn’t help but grin back. Maybe the rest, of the trip, wouldn’t be so bad, after all.

“DOOOOOOOOOWN BYYYYYYYYY THEEEEEEEEEEE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” The four adults didn’t do too bad with the harmony…taking into account that they were practically screaming. Yes…Kevin, too. Mason’s smile reached his eyes, as we all started to climb out of the van.

“Oh god, I’m getting so old!” Nick’s groaned, loudly, as he straightened up. The moans, and groans, from the adults, caused our group to get a few odd looks, from other people that were outside. At least it was nice out…maybe we would take a nice break, before stuffing ourselves back into that van.

“Oh stop your whining…you’re still the baby of the group! Well…not including the next generation.” Kevin slapped Nick’s shoulder, lightly, as everyone started making their way toward the building. I hadn’t put much thought into it, but I really did need to use the…yeah…you know.

“Are we getting food soon, or should we stock up from the vending machines?” I had to ask, since my stomach was growling, as everyone piled into the bathroom. I didn’t get an answer, as everyone took the traditional guy stance and I had to bite my lip, to keep from laughing, because of the loud groans coming from AJ and Nick.

“Ooooh yeaaaaah!” Nick’s head was leaning back and his eyes shut tightly. I shook my head trying to ignore the various sounds filling the room…they were distracting.

“Mmmmm! Sweet Jesus!” Hearing AJ’s voice made me shudder. I’m a guy too…but this was getting to the point of being disturbing. I mean, why do you gotta make noises while you do your business? I had to do this at the same time as my dad, more times than I could probably count, and I don’t recall him needing to groan and moan and……pray?

“Aaaaaaaaaaah!” Oh geez…there goes Howie. Next time, I will just hold it until after everyone else is done! Thank goodness everyone finished up and was filing out, within another couple minutes.

“Nick, why are you flinging your hands around in the air, like that? You look retarded.” Kevin had his brows raised, as we stepped back out into the sunlight. I have to admit, if you take time to sit back and really pay attention…this group can be seriously entertaining!

“Because the dryer thing didn’t dry my hands all the way. Duh.”

“Yo, Nick…that’s why you use the ‘dryer thing’ for more than like…two seconds.” I stepped aside as I saw AJ run up to jump on Nick’s back. “Now mush.”

“I’ll show you mush!” Now, I had to jump out of the way, as Nick started spinning around in circles. AJ’s arms gripped Nick’s neck as Nick tried to twirl faster. Here we are…in the middle of the parking lot…and these two are acting younger than me! Go figure. See? I told you…entertaining. Suddenly, I found myself frozen, thinking back to years past…again. What was with me today? Not that I was complaining, or anything…I was rather enjoying the sudden flow of memories.

I could picture a time…it seemed like I was around six, maybe…where Nick and my dad were trying to teach me the fine art, of basketball. The picture, in my mind, seemed fuzzy…yet clear, at the same time. On the edge, of the court, was a wooden bench, where I had sat down for a few minutes. I remember AJ running past me, screaming like some kind of crazy person that just escaped the mental hospital. I just sat there watching, and laughing, as AJ jumped onto my dad’s back…just like he had done to Nick only a few moments ago.

I started to walk slowly, behind the group, as I let my memories piece back together. Assuming my memories were accurate, I ran up to Nick, trying to get onto his back. His laugh filled the air, as he dropped to his knees, giving me the chance to climb up. The next thing I saw flash in my mind, was my dad and Nick twirling in circles, right next to each other…with me and AJ on their backs. When they finally stopped, we all fell to the ground laughing and unable to move because of the severe dizzy feeling.

That dizzy feeling penetrated my head, for only a moment, as I looked up to see AJ climb off Nick’s back. Both, of them, were stumbling and trying to re-gain their balance, as their laughter rang loud and clear. It was a sight to see…both the image before me, and the image in my head. My memory was now as clear as the scene before me, and I liked the feeling it gave me.

As my memories faded, into the back, of my mind…I realized something. How could I miss something so obvious? If I wanted to remember my dad and even my mom…I just had to pay attention to what was right in front of my eyes. Sure, they were all older now, but the guys had the same antics…the same goofy behaviors…the same habits, as they did all those years ago. Putting aside and forgetting all the problems, this group has had, they were the same guys.

Life has a funny way of giving you exactly what you need, without you even noticing it. Sometimes it feels like life is kicking you, right where it hurts, but if you step back and take a closer look…it’s really not as bad as you first thought. I’m starting to sound like Morgan here, but I’m seeing that it’s true. We have already covered that Nick isn’t as bad as I had thought, and that he really didn’t deserve my bad attitude, but I never really stopped to see that Nick is actually…exactly what I need. So much of him could help me remember my dad, if I only let it.

It’s not new years, but I’m making a resolution anyways. From now on…I’m going to stop, to look at the bigger picture…and allow myself to see the most obvious things that I have overlooked before. I will let myself see my parents, in the people around me.

Now that I think about it, maybe this will be one of those ‘easier said, than done’ things…but…all I can do, is try.

So the rest of the road trip went smoothly. We sang some more goofy songs, told jokes, and just messed around…it was amazing how at ease everyone was, now! Naturally, the moment we pulled into the driveway, I was practically attacked by Morgan…and Riley was instantly in AJ’s arms. The two of them were actually sitting on the steps, waiting for us…not that we were too surprised by that, either. We had gotten back pretty late, that night, so we unloaded the van and pretty much just passed out.

The next morning Mason started packing up, to move back with Kevin. I was kind of sad that he was leaving, I’d miss having him around all the time, but I was happy for him at the same time. Besides, it’s not like he was moving out of the state or anything, and he really did need to be with his dad. When I helped him carry stuff out to Kevin’s car, I gave him a half hug and told him that I’d see him at school.

Then Morgan and I raced up to my room (of course I let her win) to catch up on everything that had been going on during the week. Naturally, I let her talk about her break first, but as usual, it consisted mainly of studying. After she rambled for a while about some history paper, that I undoubtedly forgot all about, we started going over the week at the farm. Stretching out on my bed, we stared at the ceiling, as I replayed the events to her.

“So, Kevin really wasn’t a drug addict back then? And AJ blaming Kevin for getting him into drugs wasn’t even entirely accurate?” Rolling to her side, she propped up on one elbow, with the most adorable confused look on her face.

“That’s what I’m saying. Evidently, the only thing Kevin ever gave AJ, was some antidepressant pills. AJ realized how good the pills made him feel, especially being mixed with the Jack, and so he started getting into other stuff. I guess from AJ’s view, that meant Kevin was to blame.” I watched Morgan as she twisted her lip, in thought. Was she actually wearing lip gloss? Since when does Morgan…oh yeah…she’s a cheerleader now…a lot of things have changed.

“It’s pretty normal for addicts to pass the blame. AJ probably decided it was Kevin’s fault a long time ago…back in the deepest part of his addiction, or maybe when he started rehab…somewhere along the line, the excuse became the truth. You know?” Reaching up, I brushed a stray curl off her cheek, pushing it behind her ear. My eyes were locked with hers, as I thought about her theory. It was quite possible. When you tell yourself something long enough, you start to believe it. In AJ’s case, he would have had years for the half truth to become a full truth, in his mind.

“You’re probably right, Morgan. I don’t completely understand why Kevin fell into it, though.”

“Some things aren’t meant for us to understand.” Her shoulder shrugged, as my hand rested on the side of her neck. There was something in her eyes…something that I didn’t recognize, and it was actually making my heart speed up, just a little. Why? I’ve got no idea. Just lying there, with only inches between her body and mine, I kept staring into her eyes.

My mind was wondering. It was wondering in places that it really shouldn’t go. Morgan was my best friend, for pete sake! Ever since she walked into school that day, with the makeover, my mind has been wondering big time! It doesn’t make sense. She is still the same smart, pretty, funny, caring, amazing, great, honest, trustworthy, sweet…holy crap! I’m starting to sound like I have a crush on my best friend! That’s not even possible…is it?!? It sounds like some kind of cliché romance movie.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right on that point.” I just gave her a grin as I took my hand from her neck and sat up. Reaching into the small refrigerator, I pulled out a can of soda, for each of us. “Coke or Root Beer today Morgs?”

“Hmm. I think…Root Beer. Thanks, Bay.” Popping the can open, I handed it to her with a smile. There was a slight blush lingering on her cheeks, and I couldn’t figure out what had caused it, this time. Sure I make her blush a lot, but I usually knew what I did to turn her cheeks pink.

“Anything for you Morgs, you know that.” I popped my own can open, as I sat back on the bed and gave her a grin. Just for the record…that’s not a lie either…I really would do anything for my best friends…especially her! Besides, she really deserved to be treated well, and I tried to always be the best friend that I could. We sat in silence for a few minutes, just drinking our sodas.

“So the big game is next Friday.” Morgan’s voice broke the silence, and nearly made me jump. She was fiddling with the tab on her soda can, as she tilted her head. “It’s going to be a lot of fun…plus that means next week is Spirit Week.”

“Oh yeah!” A smile crept onto my lips. Spirit Week is one of high school’s highlights! “I’m going all out for it, too. Cross dress day will be priceless! Are you going to help your best friend with the makeup? I already bought a long blonde wig, to wear!” My smile grew even bigger, the more I thought about it…the whole week was going to be a ton of fun!

“Are you seriously taking it that far, Bay?” Her giggle floated into my ears, and when I looked at her, there was a smile on her lips. Admittedly, that smile is one of the prettiest things about Morgan. She has those plump lips that guys always like and when she smiles, her cheeks get these little dimples in them. “I was going to wear a pair of your baggy jeans that day. I wonder if I can do the ‘guy walk’.”

“Yeah, I’m going all out. Come on, Morgs, you know me…this is the kind of thing I have fun with. And you always borrow my clothes anyways, so have at it…it’s not like I’ll tell you ‘no’.” Rolling my eyes, I set our sodas on the bedside table, before lying back down. Morgan followed suit, laying beside me, and resting her head on my arm. “So, you’ll do my make up? I’m afraid I’ll poke my eye out with that mascara wand thing.”

“You are truly one of a kind, Littrell.” I couldn’t help but laugh when her hand playfully hit my stomach. My fingers started to twirl one of her curls, as I pulled her closer to me. “But I suppose I better help, so you don’t hurt yourself.”

“That would be nice of you.” Smiling, I turned my head to look at her, just as she looked up at me. Our noses were only an inch apart, and by now my mind was really headed to uncharted territory.

“Well…um…that’s what…best friends…are for…right?” My eyes were glued to her lips, as her tongue slipped out to moisten them. Come on Baylee…snap out of it! But they looked so soft…and with that lip gloss…NO! Bad thoughts! BAD!

“Right.” It was now my tongue’s turn to slip out and wet my own lips. My heart was now racing, and my mind was screaming at me to BACK UP! So if I know I shouldn’t do this…why were my lips inching closer to hers? As my eyes started closing, I heard my brain screaming louder, but it didn’t seem like my body was listening. Heck, I knew it wasn’t listening! Was I really going to kiss my best friend?

“B…Bay…lee…” Just a whisper, her voice struggled to be heard. Was it a protest? Was it out of confusion or shock? Was her brain yelling at her, like mine was yelling at me? And when did my fingers slip into her hair?!? I’m a goner. There’s no stopping it now! My hand was already gently pulling her face toward mine…my eyes were completely closed, now…my heart was pounding against my ribcage…butterflies were filling my stomach…then it happened. Connection. Her lips were on mine…mine on hers…I was really kissing my best friend!

Connection. Her lips were on mine…mine on hers…I was really kissing my best friend! Her lips felt as soft as they looked, and the kiss matched that softness. It was sweet and slow…almost…romantic? Her head was now lying back on the pillow as I hovered over her, our lips still in time with each other and my fingers tangled in her hair. My brain had ceased its objection toward the kiss…mainly because my brain had completely stopped functioning, all together. Was that normal?

“WHOA! Hot damn, Bay LEE!” Neither of us had heard the knock, nor had we noticed the door opening, but AJ’s voice sure snapped us back to reality. I nearly jumped out of my skin and immediately flew off the bed, looking from him, to Morgan’s stunned face, then back to him.

“JayJay…hey…uh…we were…just…um…” Seriously. How embarrassing was this? Like the after effects of kissing Morgan wasn’t going to be awkward enough, without AJ’s help! I could feel the blush slowly burning up my cheeks as I fumbled for some kind of explanation for what he had just walked in on. Too bad it was pretty self explanatory. It’s not like we were practicing for a play, or something, and AJ surely knew that.

“Yeah…” If I could slap the smirk off his face, and get away with it…I totally would, right now! “…having a total make out session…that’s what you were doing! You better ask Nick if he can spare a condom.” My jaw hit the floor and I knew Morgan had to be just as red as I was. We just kissed…that’s it…we weren’t even old enough for…well…you know.

“AJ! Shut up man!” Oh yeah…there was a brilliant response! Sometimes I can be so lame. I quickly walked over and tried shoving him out of my room, but naturally I wasn’t getting very far with my efforts. Just as my luck would have it, Nick came walking up and all I could do was groan. I took a quick glance at Morgan, who was now sitting up, hugging my pillow with her head ducked and a bright red flush covering her cheeks. How embarrassing could this get?

“Yo, Nick! You’ll never guess what I just walked in on!” Once again, I tried shoving AJ out the door, attempting to close it at the same time. But now, Nick had stepped into the room, too, and was accessing the situation.

“Uh…the two kids talking?” Nick had that typical confused look, of his, as AJ slung an arm over his shoulders. That grin was still plastered on his face and it was starting to dig under my skin like crazy.

“Come on, AJ….just drop it, ok?”

“Bay Bay here was half on top of Morgan and their lips were locked as tight as a bank vault!”

“It wasn’t like that! Get out of my room!” I was to the point of being desperate, to get rid of them. Nick’s expression now matched AJ’s and this was getting worse. Why do adults have to embarrass us kids like this, anyways?!? It’s like they get some kind of natural high from it, or something.

“Whoa….wait…these two? Kissing?” Another groan escaped from my throat and my brows wrinkled in the center as Nick now let his gaze dart between me and Morgan. “Well I’ll be damned!” If I wasn’t mistaken, Nick seemed to look very pleased about the events.

“Baylee and Morgan…sittin’ in a tree…”

“Oh real mature AJ! Please…just go!” This time, my efforts proved fruitful as both men turned to walk back down the hallway. The embarrassment wasn’t quite over because after Nick yelled that food was ready, they both continued the childish song…singing it at the top of their lungs. Slamming the door shut did the trick of blocking their voices, and I slowly turned to face her, shoving my hands into my pockets.

“They uh…they’ll never…let us live this down…huh?” Her voice was hardly above a whisper and her gaze was fixed on her fidgeting hands. This was, by far, the most embarrassing moment of my life, but I felt worse for Morgan. She was so sensitive to this kind of thing and her feelings were so easily hurt.

“You know them as well as I do, Morgs.” I moved over to sit beside her, the air seemed so tense…so awkward…so…weird. “I’m sorry. You uh…you really don’t…have to stay…if you don’t want to. Eating with them…is going to be…embarrassing and…probably near unbearable.”

“No. It’s ok. After all these years…I have learned to ignore them…sort of. If I leave…you know it will just…make it worse. We are still best friends, right? It’s better to just…face the music now…instead of putting it off.” Here I was…wanting to run as far away as I could, and hide for…a few years…but she was being all rational, ready to face the problem head on. I guess girls do mature faster than boys…well…at least Morgan does.

“Alright. Only if you’re sure. I mean…they’re going to be…uh…”

“Relentless. And persistent.” Her head bobbed with a slight nod, as she let out a breath and stood up, rubbing her hands down her jeans. She still hadn’t looked at me. Yeah. This was definitely going to make everything awkward for, at least, a few days…maybe weeks…but hopefully not forever.

“Yeah. That.” Okay, I sounded pathetic. It was just a kiss, for pete sake. Best friends always kiss in the movies and it doesn’t destroy…aw man…it doesn’t wreck the friendship because the friends end up together in those movies! To say I was mentally slapping myself would be the understatement of the year. I had made a bad move. A very very bad move!

“Come on, Bay. We should go down there. Otherwise they will think we’re…”

“...kissing….again.” My mind was drifting, as I stood up, back to those movies. Was it really possible that Morgan and I would…ever…? Nah. We were just best friends. That’s all we would ever be. Not that, I suppose, dating her would be that bad, really. I mean, she is a great person…loving, sweet, caring, smart, pretty, talented, funny…oh no! Was I really thinking…I have got to stop these thoughts!

“Although…they are going to think that every time we are alone, now.” Following her down the stairs, I watched her curls bounce, remembering how soft they felt, wrapped around my fingers. And…now I was mentally telling myself to “shut up”. Where were all these thoughts suddenly coming from? Ans why won’t they go away?

“Great. Just what we need. A group of spies, trying to catch us making out.”

“We after that, I don’t blame them. You were totally sucking my face like a Hoover vac.” Her comment and following giggle caught me off guard, as we entered the dinning room to see Nick, AJ and Riley waiting for us.

“So that’s how it’s gonna go down, huh Morgs? Well as least I don’t kiss like a fish!” I stuck my tongue out at her, just as we took our seats. I could feel my cheeks starting to heat up again, and I was sure hers were too. Teasing each other about the kiss, to avoid them embarrassing us more, was a good strategy…but would it work?

“From what I saw, you were both pretty equal in the face sucking department.” AJ chuckled, only to be shut up with an elbow in the side, from Riley. HA! At least she would keep AJ in line. That meant we only had to deal with Nick’s comments…not that I was looking forward to it.

“So…” Nick’s smirk faded, and he was looking between us, with a serious look etched on his face. “Are you two going to start dating, or what? You can’t tell me that after you two finally kiss…that you’re going to just play it off and stay friends…are you?”

“Nicky’s got a point. We’ve had bets about this kiss for the last four years.”

“You men are ridiculous. Leave the poor kids alone and eat your dinner. Placing bets on when kids are going to kiss? That’s just childish.” Riley plopped some potatoes on AJ’s plate before passing me the bowl. “Eat.”

I was under the very wrong assumption that my life was getting back to some form of normalcy. After the road trip, things were looking great. Now I was just all confused about a different matter. Great. My life should be a sitcom…it has enough drama in it.

Why would they place bets on when Morgan and I would kiss? Were the movies right…that a guy and a girl really can’t remain best friends? That they always hook up, at some point? How did I feel about the idea of getting with her anyways? And what about Allison? I couldn’t just ditch her, because of one kiss I had with Morgan. Besides, I didn’t even know what Morgan thought of the kiss. Maybe she hated it. Maybe she thought it was sloppy or gross! She might even think I’m the worst kisser ever. It’s not like she really liked me more than a friend anyways, right?

It was a few days later before I got around to opening my e-mail and I knew it was going to take me forever to get through it all. To my surprise, Morgan and I had continued on without a very high level of awkwardness. At first it was a little weird, but we pretty much fell right back into our best friend routine, like the kiss was just something that best friends do. Maybe it is normal for best friends to have one kiss.

It was mid afternoon and my mind kept wandering as I skimmed through my mail. When my eyes landed on one from Allison, I quickly opened it up. I had meant to call her as soon as we got back, but I just didn’t get to it. Now I felt bad that I hadn’t made sure to make time for it.

Baylee,

I’m sorry to do this through an e-mail, like this. But I couldn’t get a hold of you on your cell, and it was really important for me to explain.

Uh oh. This wasn’t sounding good. Darn my phone for not getting signal out in the middle of nowhere, on the family farm! You’d think that, with today’s technology, there wouldn’t be an inch on earth that didn’t get cell phone signal. We have laptops that are paper thin and can work just by voice command or touch…cell phones that are tiny and do just about everything, except read your mind…TVs that follow voice command and automatically record your regularly viewed programs, without you having to do a single thing…yet they can’t perfect cell and internet signals to reach everywhere? Go figure.

Dad just got re-stationed and I’ll be leaving for the navy base in North Carolina before the end of break. I have to transfer schools and every thing. I’m really sorry Baylee. We were just getting to know each other so well and everything.

Wait a tick! Re-stationed? How did I not know Allison was a military brat? I knew she had only been in our school a year and a half or something like that, but had no idea that was the reason why. Why didn’t she mention that? I mean, it seems like one of those things you would tell someone! Logic tells me it would be one of the FIRST things you’d share…“Oh, by the way, my dad is in the Navy and I may pick up to move without much notice, if any.” Geesh!

I’m hoping we can keep in touch, and still be friends. You’re a great guy Baylee and I really enjoyed hanging out with you. I really wish we could have said ‘good-bye’ properly…I’m going to miss you. But, I’ll talk to you soon, ok?

-Allison

Well isn’t that about a kick in the head? I wasn’t even in the mood to go through any other e-mails, now. Turning off the computer and setting it aside, I leaned back against the headboard and let out a long sigh. I really shouldn’t be bothered, much, since we weren’t in any kind of committed relationship or anything. Thinking for a moment…I realized something…other than the short notice, of it all…I wasn’t all that upset…actually…I wasn’t upset at all. Was that a good thing? It seems like I should be at least slightly upset. We weren’t in anything serious, but it’s still a break up…and I wasn’t the one doing the breaking up.

Tomorrow it was back to school, and I’m totally ready for spirit week. I wonder if it will seem different without Allison there. Speaking of different…would anyone be able to tell that something happened between me and Morgan? Would Morgan tell the other cheerleaders? No…she wasn’t the ‘kiss and tell’ type…at least I don’t think she is.

It was only one in the afternoon and I was already getting tired from how much my mind was spinning. It seems like my brain can’t stay on one thing for very long and sometimes it gives me a headache. I have to admit that things have been a little easier since the guys started getting along more. Granted there have been an argument or two since we’ve been back, but nothing compared to what it used to be. Mason was home with his dad and he told me last night, on the phone, that things were going great. He said that Kevin was spending a ton of time with him and that he felt like they were bonding again. That made me feel really good…Mason needed his dad. And, whether or not he would openly admit it…Kevin needed his son.

Listen to me. I’m starting to sound like Morgan, with all her psychological mumbo jumbo. Have I ever mentioned that sometimes I think I spend a little too much time…

I found myself yawning and dozing off, to sleep, before even finishing the thought. My eyes drifted shut as my thoughts seemed to dissipate. There was always so much on my mind, that the clearing of my thoughts and the sweet peace of slumber was always welcomed.

“Nick! Nick! My dad’s back!” I saw myself running through a dark hotel room, in to jump up on a large bed that held a large sleeping form. “I saw him! He’s really here!” My voice was squeaky and high, my body was small, but my curls looked about the same.

“Huh? What?” Rubbing his eyes, Nick sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. A long groan escaped his lips as my childhood body jumped up and down beside him. “What are you talking about BayBay?”

“My dad! He’s back…he’s really back! I woke up and I saw him…he’s here…somewhere! You gotta help me find him!” Jumping from the bed, my small feet hit the floor with surprisingly loud thumps as I ran back into the main section of the hotel suite. I saw my own hands, much smaller than they really are, opening the closet door. “I know he’s here!” Searching through the closet, my eyes saw nothing. After slamming the door shut, I ran to the bathroom…nothing.

“Bay…Bay, he’s not…” Nick’s firm, yet gentle, hands rested on my shoulders. He shook me just slightly, bringing my eyes up to his. “Baylee…he’s not here buddy…he’s gone…remember?” My body stiffened, as I looked up to see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry Baylee…but…he’s not coming back.”

Gasping, my eyes flew open, sweat covering my entire body. Slowly my eyes moved down to my hands…they were back to their normal size…and so was the rest of my body. After looking myself over, I started to let my eyes wander around the room. I was in my usual bed…at home…there was no hotel suite.

“It was just a dream.” I let out a shaky breath, in a poor attempt to slow my heart down, from its pounding pace. Just as I was about to close my eyes again, I saw him. Shooting straight up, in the bed, my eyes flew open wider than I think they ever have. My head whipped from side, to side, trying to see the face that I could swear was just staring right back, at me. I licked my lips that had gone dry and I swallowed hard, then I saw something from the corner of my eyes. That was it. I freaked.

“NIIIIIIIIIICK!” Flying out of my bed, my feet carried me through the house faster than I thought imaginable. “NIIIIIIIICK NICK!” My curls fell in my eyes as I ran down the stairs, nearly falling over when I turned the corner.

“Baylee? What’s wrong? What happened?” He sprinted out of the office, a concerned look on his face as he hurried toward me. I nearly knocked him over when I threw myself into his arms, which I knew surprised him since his hands went up, like he was being arrested.

“You….dream….dad….” I hadn’t started crying, but I could feel myself trying to choke them down. It wasn’t just the dream, or swearing I saw my dad in the same room, but it was the flood of memories that were invading my mind now.

For so many years, I learned how to push away the pain I had felt when I lost my parents. Yes, I miss them. Yes, I think about them. But the pain…the pain, I learned to tune out and ignore…for the most part. I didn’t let it effect me as badly as it used to, even though it threatened to surface fairly often, I had become pretty good at pushing it away. At this very moment, the pain was swelling in my chest and this time…it wasn’t going away.

“Shhh. Calm down, Bay.” I felt his arms wrap around me and his hands start rubbing my back, in an attempt to soothe me. There was such a wild mix of emotions, surging through me, that I wanted to hug him…push him away…punch a wall…throw something…cry…scream…and forget everything…all at the same time. “Talk to me, buddy. Let it out. It’s okay.” That caring tone he had in my dream…or flashback…whatever it was…was in his voice now. He was back to the role of caring and loving friend.

“NO! IT’S NOT OKAY! I…AM…NOT…OKAY!” My teeth ground together while my hands shoved him away. From that point, I lost all control of everything…my emotions…my words…my mind…my heart. Everything flew out of me, all at once, making my head spin. Years of trying to ignore it had finally come to this…an explosion.

“I’m everything BUT ok!” I couldn’t keep my voice down, even if I had wanted to. All control, of my own body, had gone out the window, as my emotions went haywire. Any slight bit of sanity that I had left had snapped, and I was completely losing it. “How can you say that I’m ok? Huh? That I’ll ever be ok?!? You don’t even know what this is like Nick! You have no idea!”

“I know that it hurts, Bay.” His voice was even…calm…caring. Stepping back a little, he watched me closely, his eyes following my every step as I started pacing up and down the hallway.

“You don’t know anything! You didn’t lose your parents! You made the choice to push them away! You didn’t want your parents…but I did want mine! How could you possibly even begin to know how I feel, or what I’m going through? Huh? Huh?!?” Now I was just getting harsh. Nick didn’t deserve it, and deep inside, I knew that. I also knew that I would regret most of the words that were effortlessly spilling from my mouth, right now. Despite what I knew, though…I was powerless to stop it…I had no control. “Don’t even think that you know how I feel…because you DON’T!”

“Then tell me. Tell me how you feel, Baylee.” Why was his voice still so calm? Why wasn’t he screaming at me, for the things I just said? Why wasn’t he sending me to my room with some sort of punishment, for talking to him, like that? He wasn’t even getting defensive, when he should have been. “Explain it. Every bit of it. Let it all out.” That might not have been the best thing for him to say…because that’s exactly what I did.

“Explain? You want me to explain how I feel? Fine. I’ll explain!” My voice was at top notch, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighbors could hear. With hands flying in every direction and my anger skyrocketing, I let him have it. “I feel like God hates me! I just don’t understand…what I did wrong! What did I do that was so…bad…that I deserved to have them ripped away from me? Why would he take them from me?!?”

Nick stayed silent, but continued to watch me pace. His face would often twitch, with a painful expression, like someone was punching him in the stomach. I couldn’t quite understand why he looked so hurt by my ranting, but it was as if he really DID feel the pain that dripped from my voice, with every word.

“They left me! My mom could have fought! She could have stayed! But she didn’t! She left me! Why? Huh? Why didn’t she love me enough…to fight…to stay…to be with me? Why didn’t she get better?!? Wasn’t I a good enough son?!?” I had never really put my feelings or pain into words…but now that I was…it seemed to hurt even worse. Each sentence seemed like a hot knife, cutting me apart. “How could they do this, to me?!?”

When I paused, in the middle of the floor, to look at Nick, I was surprised to see silent tears streaking his cheeks. Why was he crying? I wasn’t even crying…but I was way too angry to cry. My blood was nearing the boiling point and my fists were clenching tighter with every word…so tight that my nails were starting to cause a searing pain in my palms.

“I want, so bad, to hate all of them! To hate God for taking them…and my parents for leaving me! And I hate myself for not stopping them! I should have whined more…made dad stay! If I just did…something…anything…I could have stopped it all from even happening! Why didn’t I stop it, from happening?!? Why didn’t God stop it? Ugh! Just a few moments…is all it would have took…but did I stop dad from leaving? Huh? Did I?!? NO! I didn’t! He left…and got mom…and then…then…that stupid truck driver…”

With a loud growl of frustration, I picked up a vase, from the small oak table and hurled it against the wall, with every ounce of strength that was in me. I couldn’t tell you what the purpose of throwing it was…because it really didn’t do much to make me feel better, and I’d likely be grounded for it. Honestly, though, I was willing to do just about anything, to try getting the pain out of me…no matter what the consequences were. Nick…didn’t move.

“I can’t do this without them! I just can’t! I need them…but they’re not here! They aren’t here to see me play ball…or get dressed up for spirit week…or to meet my best friends…or help me with my homework…or help me decide which electives to take for school next year…or to help me learn my Spanish! They’re supposed to help me! They’re supposed to be here! But they left me! They LEFT!”

This time, it was a picture frame that hit the wall, shattering onto the carpet. The heat in my cheeks was hotter than ever and my body was starting to feel weak. Without any warning, the tears burst from within me, streaming down my cheeks faster than I thought possible. My knees buckled and I collapsed there, in the middle of the hallway. Nick was instantly kneeling beside me, his arms engulfing me, into that tender embrace he used to give me, when I was a small child.

“Why…didn’t they want…to stay…with me?” I found it hard to talk through my clenched teeth, as I gasped for breath. My heart was aching…my head was pounding…my hands were shaking…and my eyes were stinging, as I fell apart in his arms. “How…come…God…didn’t want…me to…have…them? Why didn’t…they…love me…enough…to stay? What…did I do…wrong…Nick?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Baylee. This isn’t your fault.” His arms were tight around me and he began to sway slightly, in an effort to soothe me, but it was useless. “Your mom and dad loved you…more than anything…and they never would have chosen to leave you. I don’t know why God took them…but it’s not because you were bad or did anything wrong.”

“I feel…so…horrible…like I could…have done…something!” I was struggling hard, to breathe, as the tears continued to flow, like a damn had broken free. “I…feel like…it’s all…my fault!”

“I feel the same way…but it’s not. We couldn’t have done anything…we didn’t know. It has taken me years to try convincing myself that I couldn’t have changed it…and sometimes…I still don’t believe it. It’s hard. It sucks. I know. But you can’t blame yourself Bay…you just can’t. It will eat you away, if you do.” I felt his hands rubbing my back as his chin rested atop my head. He was trying to help, the best he knew how, and make me feel better…but it wasn’t working.

“It is my fault! It really is!” Now my shoulders were beginning to jerk as my sobs got chopped up by the hiccups that had set in. I was to blame, and he couldn’t convince me otherwise. My heart twisted with more pain, as I told myself that everything all fell back on my shoulders.

“Baylee Thomas Wylee Littrell! You listen to me!” Suddenly, I was shifted around, to face the older blond. His eyes were filled with so much mixed emotion, that…for once…he wasn’t trying to hide. “You can NOT blame yourself! You were a little boy, Bay! There was absolutely nothing you could have done! I know it’s hard to let go of that feeling…but you have to. You didn’t know the accident would happen. Please, Bay…you have got to believe me. If there is only one thing, that I tell you, that you ever listen to…this has to be it.”

My heart and mind conflicted with each other, as part of me yelled that Nick was right and the other half screamed that he didn’t know anything. I wanted to get up and run away…get as far from him as I could, but my body wouldn’t move. The tears wouldn’t stop, and neither would the hiccups. I was nothing but one hot mess.

There, in the middle of the hallway, I remained in Nick’s arms, shaking from the combination of sobs and hiccups. The tears were hot on my cheeks and my head was spinning, like a top. It was like I had hopped on a time machine and traveled back to the past…where I was nothing more than a broken little boy. Now…I was still just as broken, but I was much older.

Nick’s voice was soft, as his hand brushed over my hair, “that’s it BayBay…it’s good to let it out. You’ve held it in, for far too long.” He swayed, slightly, back and forth, his arms still securely around me. I can barely remember the last time I was in his arms, like this…where I actually needed to be there…I needed his touch…his comfort…his strength.

“I guess…I’m…probably…grounded…for breaking the…stuff…huh?” I couldn’t stop the sniffing, the hiccups, the tears, or the pain. All I wanted, was to forget it all again. But how could I do that, now that it had all surfaced?

“No. But you will need to clean up the mess.” Pulling away, just enough to look at me, he tilted his head. Once again, his fingers brushed aside my curls, in the most caring manner.

“I thought…it was supposed to get better, Nick.” I adverted my eyes, slightly embarrassed that I had broken down and cried like a baby, but there had been no fighting it. “Isn’t the pain supposed to go away?!? It just hides.”

“It will never completely go away. There will always be a place, in your heart, that hurts for them. Sometimes it will seem like the pain has disappeared, but it always comes back.” A soft sigh escaped him, as we moved apart. We now sat a few feet from each other and I hugged my knees. “I know how you feel Baylee…I understand…”

“Wait…no…no you don’t understand! Why do you keep claiming that you know how I feel…when you don’t?! You don’t know the first thing about how I feel!” And we go from bad…to worse…my temper flaring up, once again. I didn’t mean to get angry…I didn’t even want to fight with him…the last thing I wanted, was to be yelling again, but I was now on me feet, screaming down at him. “Stop pretending you know, Nick! You…don’t…know…anything…about…how…I…feel! I lost my parents! You didn’t…so you don’t understand!”

“If you want to get technical…you’re right…I don’t.” Something flashed in his eyes as he stood up, to peer down at me. His expression was no longer soft and caring…it looked like he was hurt and offended. Crossing his arms, he locked eyes with me…and that’s when it really started. “You know what I DO know? …what I DO understand? I understand how it feels to lose my very best friend, unexpectedly. I DO understand…how it feels to get to the hospital…and have to tell my 9 year old, little buddy…that his dad is dead…when I haven’t even had the time to process the news, myself! I know how it feels…to explain, to you…not once…not twice…not even three times…but FOUR TIMES…that your dad wasn’t going to be coming back, for you…because you kept forgetting that he was gone! I know how it feels…to watch your heart break…over…and over again…because of the words I was telling you! And my heart ached…and shattered…every…single…time!”

“But…” I tried to interrupt, but he wouldn’t let me. He continued to ramble…I guess he had a lot of bottled up emotions, too. All this time, I accused him of not understanding, but I never took the time to really look at his side of things.

“I know how it feels…to hold a crumpled, mess of a broken young boy…in my arms…through many sleepless nights…and the pain of not being able to make anything better for you! I understand…what it’s like…to try being the solid foundation you needed…when I couldn’t even keep my own damn emotions together! Then to have you beg me…to let you come live with me…because you had lost hope of your mom making it through…yeah…I know how that feels too! I was so angry at your family…for not being there for you, like they should have been…for not being the strength you needed…for not keeping your hopes high, that she would pull through. I know how it feels…to be the only one who could bring a smile to your face…only to have it fade away, moments later!”

“Nick…I…”

“No. You said I don’t understand the pain you feel…and maybe I don’t know what it’s like to lose my parents, traumatically, like you have…but I do know and I do understand the pain! I still lie awake, at night…wondering how the hell I can make everything okay, for you…how I can take away the pain you have in your heart and help you heal…I wrack my brain, constantly, trying to figure out if being your guardian was the best thing for you, or if I’ve just made everything worse.” I could feel a sharp pain, in my chest, as I listened to his angered rant. It was an odd type of anger in his voice though…he didn’t sound mad at me…but maybe the situation.

“I didn’t know…I…” Had he purposely kept his feelings from me? I could see the pain in his eyes, clearer than ever, and I felt bad for not knowing how badly he had been affected. I selfishly thought that he could never understand, since they were my parents, and not his. All the tears I had seen him shed…and I never stopped to think about his heart and how he felt.

“You’re right…you didn’t…because you weren’t supposed to. I am supposed to be the strong one…the one to keep everything together…the one that makes sure you make it out of this okay…the solid rock that you can lean on, when you need it. I’m not supposed to be weak.” His cheeks were long past being streaked, with tears. If it was possible to hear someone’s heart break…I knew I was hearing Nick’s crumble into a million pieces, right at that moment.

“You don’t have to be strong…all the time.” In a twisted turn of events, it was now my arms wrapping around Nick. For the first time…I was now the one that needed to be strong…it was my turn to offer comfort. I wasn’t used to this, but in a strange way, it felt good…almost like I was repaying him for a very small portion of all that he’s done, for me, over the years.

“Yes. I do. I can’t let Brian down…I can’t…let…you down.” All these years, he’s been worried about letting me down? Sure…I give the guy a hard time…but he’s never…

“Nick…you’ve never let me down. I know…that sometimes…it might seem that I don’t appreciate what you do, for me…but…” I let out a long sigh. This was the moment of truth…the one phrase that would put everything in perspective…a confession that could, and would, change everything between us…something that should have been said ages, upon ages ago. “…I push you away…and give you such a hard time because…I’m afraid that…that if I let us get too close…you’ll replace my dad and I’ll forget him.”

There…I said it. The truth was that I was afraid. All this time, I was worried about letting myself replace my dad. Let’s face it…Nick was awesome and he had always been there for me…we used to be inseparable. But now, I was just afraid of the day I’d accidentally call him ‘dad’.

The emotions that spilled out last night, in the hallway, drastically changed my outlook on the situation that God had put me in. It was time for me to grow up and stop being a selfish, naïve child. All this time, I couldn’t even stop, to look at the bigger picture, and realize how selfish I was being. Morgan has called me a selfish brat on occasion, but I always just blew it off. Go figure, the girl was right! Is she really always right?

After heading to my room and crawling into bed, I did some serious soul searching over night. I actually prayed…talked to my dad…and stayed up most of the night just thinking. I had never seen Nick break down, like that, and it sent a completely new type of pain, crashing through me. Now I understood how he had felt all those times of holding me, while I broke down. He had struggled to stay strong, so he could help me cope, which in turn just caused him even more pain.

When they say that you should put yourself in someone else’s shoes, before judging them…boy do they know what they are talking about! As many times as I have said that I was going to try harder to get along with Nick, I kept judging him by thinking that he couldn’t relate to me…that he didn’t understand…that there was no way he could know how I felt. He stood there, countless times, while I yelled at him about no getting it, and all along, he really did know my pain…just on a slightly different level…but just as extreme and just as real.

Now, more than ever, I could hear my father’s voice, in the back of my head. It almost seemed like he was right there with me, crossing his arms and staring right at me. “Stop dwelling on the past and things you can’t change, Baylee. Live life, for tomorrow, not yesterday. Work towards your future and make all of us proud. Every one, of us, believe in you.” As usual, my dad was right, too. My future wouldn’t wait around forever, while I kept having an attitude over things I can’t even change.

It was time to put the past where it belonged, behind me. I’d carry the sweet memory, of my parents, along with me; but it was time to move forward on the journey to my dreams. Suddenly, as if hitting a brick wall, I knew what that future was. I had figured out what I wanted to be, and I knew it would be amazing…better than amazing!

“Thanks dad. I love you.” I could feel his smile and love consume me. My dad was proud. Just one night, learning an intensely valuable lesson, had made my dad proud, of me. Well there was more to come! “And…I’ll never forget you.”

With a smile on my face and a new outlook on my life, and future…I drifted to sleep. Last night was the end, of a chapter, in my life. It was a bitter sweet end, but an end, none the less. When I woke up this morning, I made a vow, to myself…that it would be a fresh start, with a new and improved, more mature Baylee.

A new beginning…and I was excited! You haven’t heard the last, of me! I’m going to conquer the world, you watch and see. This next chapter of my life will be even bigger and better than the last! My journey is far from over…as a matter of fact…it’s just starting!

So I make my correction…at the beginning I told you that this was LIFE according to Baylee. Well…this was just freshman year, baby! There’s so much more to come!