We had a fight. Kevin and I have had some major brawls in the years we have known each other. I’m talking knock down, drag out fights that ended in bloody noses, black eyes and bruised egos.

He was in a bad mood to begin with. Kristin had just left, after being on the road with us for a few weeks. Having Kris there for that long made him feel warm and comfortable, like a big quilt; at least those were the words he used to describe it to Brian as we were getting ready to do our sound check. God, who says things like that? So of course I made the mistake of laughing.

“What the fuck is so funny Carter?” Whoa! Uh oh…we are in the presence of unfunny Kevin!

“Nothing man…just laughing.”

“At what?” He asked defensively.

“Nothing dude…relax.”

“Is it a sin for me to miss my wife?”

“You just saw her; don’t you think it’s too soon to miss her already? I mean I can still smell her perfume for Christ sake!” I’m sure that didn’t help my cause.

“Oh forget it, why am I even bothering talking to you, you wouldn’t know what love is if it smacked you in the face.”

Howie, AJ and Brian who were all in the room with us cleared out of there like scattering cockroaches at the first sign of light. As for me, the smart thing would have been to leave with them. He was upset, he was irrational and moody. Eventually he would have stopped the moping and apologized for being an ass, but sadly, my brain doesn’t work that fast. By the time any rational thought like that entered my head, my hand was already doing the actions Kevin just described.

Yup, I bitch slapped him across the face like he was my ho’ or something.

He showed no emotion at all as he put his hand up to his bleeding mouth. I wanted to say I was sorry, but couldn’t do it. At that point in time, I wasn’t sure if I was sorry or not, so I just stood there staring at him, waiting for a punch back with fists or words. The praying man in me was hoping for words.

Nothing came…damn.

He just stood there rubbing at the corner of his mouth and shaking his head. To this day, I wonder if that was the point for him. If that was the day he made up his mind to leave the group. It’s not something I’d ever say out loud or ask him because I am not sure if I want to know the answer. Just the way he stood there with that look on his face spoke more than any actual words could have done.

Finally he made eye contact with me.

“I need to go get ready.” Is all he said as he slowly walked out the door, leaving me in the dressing room all alone and perplexed.

It was kind of hard to focus during the sound check. We stayed away from each other the entire time. I felt bad for the fans that were there because I had a hard time concentrating on anything but that damn fight. When was I going to learn to control my temper and not do stupid ass things like that? Of course that thought alternated with and when was Kevin going to apologize for saying what he did to me. I mean that was a pretty horrible thing to say, right?

Brian had to keep nudging me to get my attention. I kept missing all the hard hitting questions like, “Nick, what country is your favorite?” or “Nick, will you marry me!”

“Oh I’m sorry I can’t marry you because apparently I wouldn’t know what love is even if it smacked me in the face, isn’t that right Kevin?” Okay I wanted to say that but all I did was say, “Maybe later baby.” Which AJ informed me made no friggin’ sense at all. So sue me. Like he makes sense? Pfft!

After sound check, I felt him staring at me. I can always tell when Kevin is staring at me. I get this tingly sensation in my ass. Don’t ask…it just happens. Sure enough I looked over and there he was, giving me the stare of death. This would have been a good time to go over and apologize to him, tell him I was a dumbass for smacking him like that, but of course I just looked away. So, he left.

The hour or so between that and the performance I decided to just stay in my bus and not bother anyone. I needed to get into my zone and even more importantly than that I needed to stew over what Kevin said to me. Yes, even though Kevin can be a jackass sometimes, he usually says things only when he really means them. He’s never been one to just randomly say something to hurt someone, that’s my thing. Usually no matter how biting the comment is, it comes from someplace real and that my friends, is one of the many things that suck about being on the opposite end of words that come out of Kevin’s mouth.

He was right; I mean do I know what love is? Have I ever really been able to appreciate those words when they come out of people’s mouths? Do I ever really believe it when people say it to me? Do I really mean it when I say it to other people? I grew up in a household filled with love but at the same time, those people hated as intensely as they loved so sometimes it was hard to tell those emotions apart.

I toss people away before they can get close enough to love me, don’t I? I’ll make sure that I sabotage any kind of relationship that has potential. I have done that ever since I figured out I could.

He was right, but of course he was. He was Kevin like…duh!

I made up my mind that I’d go and apologize to him before we went out and performed tonight. It was so hard to perform angry. We have all done it so many times. Once, a long time ago, Brian and I were so angry at each other that the entire night he did nothing but try to trip me whenever I passed him. Yes Lord, you heard right. You may smite him at any time.

Another time, AJ pissed me off so badly I almost lit his head on fire…but now I’m getting off topic. We’ll talk about AJ the candlestick at another time.

Kevin rounded the corner and as soon as I saw him, I made sure to run up to him because if I didn’t, the moment would have been lost.

I was just about to put my hand on his shoulder when he turned around to face me. I actually jumped. Well, he scared me and I wasn’t expecting him to turn around just then. It’s not like I screamed like a little girl or anything.

“Hi.” He said. He used words…Always a good sign.

“Kevin I…”

“Nick, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He placed his arm on my shoulder and squeezed, “I was just bummed about Kris leaving.”

“I know.” I said, but before I could say anymore we were being ushered onto the stage.

Once again, instead of concentrating on the performance, I spent my time thinking about the words that came out of Kevin’s mouth. I knew he would apologize, but I wanted to go first for once. I smacked him. All he did was tell me I was loveless, although maybe in a way that was a bigger smack?

The first few chords of Weird World started up and that had me looking over at Kevin playing the piano. I was overcome with emotion suddenly. Great, I only sing lead on this song. It couldn’t be helped though because suddenly I realized how wrong Kevin was. I knew love. I loved these four guys on stage with me. They were my best friends. People I would pretty much do anything for. There was no doubt in my mind that they felt the same way about me too.

I walked over to Kevin at that point, three fourths into our concert, and I sat down next to him as he played the song. I managed to get the first verse out with no problem as I sat there beside him. When I was done, I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

“Apology accepted.” He whispered to me while AJ sang in the background.

“I love you man.” I admitted to him right before I stood up.

“Yeah I figured that out when you slapped me in the face.” He answered.

We both laughed.

“I am going to kill that kid.”

“Kevin calm down…”

“No Brian I am not going to calm down, he is driving me freaking bananas and we just got here.”

“You need to chill out cousin, he’s just a kid. That’s what kids do.”

“Look at him Brian, he’s bouncing up and down…he’s been literally doing that for the last five minutes. He’s like some freaky human pogo stick or something.”

I laughed at my cousin’s description of our youngest band member, he did have a point. Nick was jumping up and down for no good reason at all.  

We were invited to the Carter’s house for a BBQ on one of our very rare days off. Kevin didn’t want to go and I understand why. He’s 21 years old, he has nothing in common with any of the Carters and I’m sure that the last thing he wanted to do on his day off was entertain Nick, who admittedly, drove him crazy.

I love being around Nick though, I’m not sure why. I mean he’s barely 13 years old. There’s just something about him that I’m intrigued by I guess.

“Kevin! Watch this!!!” I smiled as Nick continued to jump, trying desperately to get my cousin’s attention.

Kevin rolled his eyes before turning Nick’s way, “Yeah…nice one.” He then turned to me and whispered, “Can we go?”

“Oh stop being an old fogie and just try to have some fun, would ya?”

“Kevin!!”

My cousin ignored Nick’s screaming, “I don’t call this fun.”

“Then how come you came?”

“Because I felt obliged to.”

“AJ and Howie didn’t feel any obligation.”

“Kevin!!! Brian!!!” I glanced over at my little buddy and waved as he finally stopped his bouncing and came running over to us.

“Didn’t you hear me calling you Kevin?” He placed his hands over his eyes to block the sun and looked up at my cousin.

“Yeah I heard you. You shouldn’t scream so much, it’s not good for your voice.”

“I don’t care. It’s like a snow day today!!!! Minus the snow!!! YAY!!!”

Have I mentioned how much I love this kid? He’s seriously my long lost brother. He has to be. “Yeah…whoopee!” Kevin answered by twirling his finger in the air.

Nick’s happy expression went south real fast, “I thought you’d be happy we have the day off.”

Kevin let out a sigh and smiled his most sarcastic of smiles. Luckily for Nick, only I knew it wasn’t a genuine one. “I am happy. Happy as a clam in fact.”

“You don’t seem very happy.”

“I am.” He answered, clearly lying through his teeth. Did he think Nick was that stupid? It kind of angered me.

“I thought maybe it would be fun if we played basketball or something.” Nick said throwing the ball over to my cousin as if I wasn’t even there.

Kevin answered by immediately throwing the ball at me, “I’m sure Brian would love to play.”

The look of disappointment on Nick’s face was more than apparent. “I know he’ll play with me, but I was hoping you would too.” He said as he bowed his head towards the ground.

Poor Nick, ever since we really started to gel as a group, he has wanted to win Kevin over. I’m sure to him, nothing is cooler than to be in a group with a 21 year old. Even though he gives my cousin a hard time, I could tell that he also looks up to him. He wants to be Kevin. I even caught him trying on one of Kevin’s shirts once. It was hanging off of him so badly he looked like the melting Wicked Witch. Nick was so embarrassed when I caught him he insisted he thought it was his shirt and then made some kind of offhanded comment about how Kevin’s armpits smell like shit, before tearing the shirt off of him and throwing it in a corner.

“Kevin will play, it’s not like he has anything better to do, right Kev?” I said tossing the ball right back to him.

He gave me a look of death, but I didn’t care. He was being an ass and if that meant reporting back to my aunt Ann about it, I would. Yes, I was a snitch, but I wouldn’t have to be if he wasn’t such a jerk sometimes.

“I guess.” He answered as unenthusiastically as possible.

“Great!” Nick said, ignoring Kevin’s unwillingness. “Me and Kevin against you!”

“Why don’t you team up with Brian and I’ll take you both on.” Kevin suggested.

“No offense Kevin, but if Brian and I teamed up, you wouldn’t stand a chance. This way it’s a little more fairer.”

“Just fairer”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. I little more fairer.”

“No, just fairer.”

“Yeah, a little more…”

“Never mind Nick.” Kevin shook his head and tossed the ball back at me.

Nick looked confused and shrugged his shoulders as if to say ‘your cousin is a weirdo.’ Don’t I know it?

“So, are we playing or what?” He asked looking over at Kevin with pleading eyes.

“Yeah, I guess so…but no cheating!”

“I do not cheat!”

“Nick, you cheat all the time!”

“Not playing basketball. I’m good at basketball!” Actually he was pretty bad at basketball but I am teaching him the basics so he’s getting better.

“You aren’t good at playing basketball.” Uh oh…

Nick, who had been a jumping, smiling fool only minutes earlier was now angry and pouting, leaving me to try to undo the damage Kevin had caused with that last statement. Aunt Ann is definitely getting a call from me tonight!

Nick placed his hands across his chest and literally stomped on the ground as if he were three. “You know what? Screw this! I’m not playing!” He yelled as if boycotting our game was going to make Kevin cry. That child has a lot to learn but thank goodness I am here to teach him.

“Nick, come back. He didn’t mean that.” I said looking back at Kevin who I have to say, did look like he felt a tad guilty.

Nick walked out of his backyard and across the street to a lamppost and just started kicking at it. “Son of a bitch!” He screamed as he continued to kick with all his might.

“Hey! Watch the language. Your mom is in earshot of you!” I warned him as I approached. I heard Kevin’s slow strut following close behind. Maybe he’d impress me by being understanding and gentle for a change.

“I don’t care if she fucking hears me!” He kicked at the post once more. I was half expecting him to fall over in pain. I’m sure it would make an entertaining story to tell Howie and AJ about how we had to rush Nick to the hospital for breaking his foot. Lou would not be amused however.

“Nick, what’s the deal?” Kevin asked from behind me. He sounded annoyed, so much for understanding and gentle.

“Nothing, just go the hell away. I know you don’t want to be anywhere near me anyway.”

“Stop acting like a baby. Maybe if you didn’t act like that I would want to be near you.” 

I took a few steps back, not wanting to be in anyone’s punching range. “You hate me.” Nick whispered looking down at the ground while kicking at the grass. Good, at least grass is softer than metal.

“I do not hate you. Just because I told you, you aren’t good at something doesn’t mean I hate you so, stop being ridiculous. You stink at basketball Nick, but you’re learning. Soon, you won’t stink at it. Learn how to take criticism!”

“All I do is take people’s fucking criticism!”

“Watch the language. You aren’t allowed to say Fuck until you know what it means.”

Nick actually giggled despite his anger. “Shut up, I know what it means.”

“I’m just saying…” This time it was Kevin who smiled and laughed. “So, are you done being a little brat now? Can we play some basketball?” Kevin reached out his hand and tousled Nick’s hair. Right there I understood why Nick looked up to my cousin. I also understood why I did too.

“I guess so…” Nick said seemingly distracted by something. He walked past Kevin and grabbed a small ladder that was lying beside the lamppost he had taken his frustrations out on.

“Hey Brian, look at this!” He said as he opened the ladder and moved up a couple of the rungs, carefully measuring the top of Kevin’s head as he did so. “I’m as tall as your cousin now!”

Kevin just shook his head as he leaned against the post. “Now that would make a cute picture, stay like that boys!” Mrs. Carter said as she ran across the street with a camera in her hands. “Would you like to get into the picture Brian?” She asked me. I thought about it for a second and then shook my head.

“No thanks.” I said, looking at Kevin and Nick posing for the picture.

I knew that the two of them would have a very special relationship as the years went on. Maybe one day they’d look at this picture as a reminder of how things were back when we first started. “One day I’m going to be taller than you Kevin!” I heard my best friend say just as Jane clicked the camera.

“Yeah, in your dreams pip squeak!” Came the quick reply.

We never did play basketball.

I sat on the small couch, resting my arms on my knees and trying to control the shakes. I hated being this nervous because it sucked all the fun out of everything. What’s worse is I really didn’t want everyone to know. There was no reason for it; at least that’s what I thought. I guess security thought differently.

“How you holding up Nicky?” I looked over at Howie and shrugged. What else was I supposed to do?

“Do we know anything yet?” AJ asked Q, one of our main security people.

“Just that we are in lockdown and can’t leave until we are given the all clear.”

“We’re canceling the concert tonight though, right?” That was Brian. Ever since he found out he had been pacing back and forth making us all nervous. “I mean if they don’t catch this person, there’s no way we should go on with this show.” You know years ago, I would have taken his concern as brotherly love but now I know better. He was more concerned about his wife than me and even though I understand that, it still hurt.

“It’s too dangerous for him.” Kevin said, pointing at me as if we didn’t already know why all of this was happening. Maybe he felt the need to remind Brian that I was the one in danger and that contrary to what most of our fans feel, Leighanne’s head would remain firmly on her shoulders as luck would have it.

“I think you’re all over reacting to this.” I figured… since everyone else was giving their two cents, why not me?

“Death threats aren’t anything to laugh about Nick.” Kevin answered sternly while looking at his watch. We were set to go on stage in 30 minutes. The crowd was out there screaming for us. We all heard them from our little prison off stage. They would hate us all if we had to cancel now.

“I know Kevin and I’m not laughing. I just think you are all taking it a little too seriously. I mean a lockdown?”

“They wouldn’t have done it if they felt like it wasn’t a legitimate threat.” Kevin responded, once again looking at his watch.

“We’ve gotten thousands of death threats before.”  I said sounding a little whiny. That wasn’t what I was going for.

“Nick. How many times have you gotten mailed a rat’s head saying that you were next? I know I haven’t ever had that happen to me.” AJ said sarcastically as he played with one of his many bracelets.

“I guess once now.” I laughed. No one else thought it was funny.

“There are some sick ass people in this world. Why are half of them our fans?”

“AJ, I have no freaking clue.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to you.” I looked up at Kevin who was staring at my shaking leg. Damn nervous habit.

“I know.” I didn’t really, but I pretended to.

Mike our manager entered the room seconds after that, “Well guys, the show can go on. We did a sweep of the arena, pretty much checked everyone out going on the picture ID we had and he’s not here.”

“What if he is here but hiding?” Brian asked.

“The police are in the wings, the aisles and will be right back stage. If anything happens, they’ll see it and act on it. Our security will even be on stage with you. You’ll all be safe.”

I wanted to be happy but the truth is I’m too busy being scared shitless to be giddy with happiness. Someone sent me a friggin rat’s head this morning and left it right outside my hotel room door in a shoebox. It was decorated in sparkles and glitter. The kinds of things you see our fans using to make those huge signs they hold up in concerts, only this time it wasn’t a sign it was a box and it held a rat’s head. A real rat’s head! And on that real rat’s head was a picture of me super glued to it. Who the fuck does something like that?

I’ll tell you who, the really creepy ass guy who was dumb enough to leave his picture in the box with the little note, that’s who.

“Guess the show must go on then, see? I told you guys it was nothing to worry about.” I said looking at all of them and smiling. Kevin didn’t buy it though, I knew he wouldn’t. As we all moved forward towards the stage he placed an arm on my shoulder.

“You know Nick; we don’t have to do this if you don’t feel safe. We can tell them to cancel. The fans will be mad but they’ll get over it.”

“I’ll be okay.” My voice was a little shaky and I was far from okay. Somewhere there was a man walking around with a headless rat in his pocket most likely and highly anticipating being able to do the same thing to me. He didn’t even give a reason just that he very much wanted to decapitate me.

“Just stick by me while we’re out there.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Make sure no one cuts your head off for one.”

I laughed at the matter of fact way he said it, as if he prevented head choppage on a daily basis. I am Kevin, I sing and dance, sign autographs for people and occasionally prevent people from chopping off other people’s heads.

“And how are you going to prevent that from happening?”

“I’ll push you out of the way.” He pat my back and winked at me.

There was no doubt in my mind that he would do just that. Kevin for all the crap he used to give me when I was a kid and for all the crap he still gives me now that I’m an adult, one thing I am certain of, he will always have my back…always.

“But what if he chops your head off?”

“Then I’ll haunt your ass for eternity and I’m telling you right now…Kristin is off limits!” Damn him and his ‘if I accidentally get my head chopped off protecting you’ rules!

We walked on stage to the sounds of screams and adoration. Thousands of people all were yelling our names unknowing of the events that took place only minutes before. How close they came to not even having this moment.

The concert went off without a hitch. No one tried to even approach the stage or me during the performance, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to share this story with you.

The entire night Kevin was no more than a shoulder’s length from me. When I ran to the left side of the stage, he followed. When I jumped up by the drums, he jumped up by the keyboard. He made me feel safe and cared about. Two things everyone should feel every once in awhile.

Right before we were done, he walked over and once again placed his hand on my back. “Told you I’d keep you safe,” He whispered to me as he pointed to a random sign in the crowd.

“Yes, you did.” I answered, “And that’s why I love you.”

I then turned to my side of the crowd and waved, knowing I had nothing to fear, that night at least.