I danced through the kitchen swinging the mop back and forth along the tiled floor as I sang along to Pat Green at the top of my lungs. I felt good for a change and it felt wonderful to be able to dance and sing and be "Crazy" for a few minutes of my busy day.

I held the mop like a microphone, singing into the end of it like an enthusiastic teenaged girl, and twirling around in a wide circle. I was having a blast.

"Well, well!" I heard a voice from behind me chuckle as I spun back around quickly and found my cousin, Kevin, standing in the doorway, holding a huge box of God only knows what and laughing hysterically at me.

"Now I guess we know what you do when you're home all alone Cuz!" He giggled, "If my arms weren't full of this box, I'd applaud your amazing performance."

I slid in my socked feet across the freshly mopped floor and hit the pause button on the CD player before grabbing a dish towel from the counter beside the sink and chucking it across the room at Kevin's head. He ducked quickly out of the way, still laughing to himself as he set the box on the dining room table.

"Kel and Joey should be here in a few minutes with the last load of boxes," he informed, stooping down to retrieve the towel from the floor where it had landed in a crumpled up heap. He glanced over at me with a snarky grin before using it to wipe the beads of sweat from his forehead and cheeks.

"Well then," he said with a laugh, "thanks for the towel, it came in handy."

"Nice."

"I try." He winked and looked around the room with a puzzled expression, "By the way, where's my wife?"

"Oh, She's putting Mason down in the guest room and if she's smart she'll stay in there with him and take a nap herself. I may go join the little guy myself here shortly... Lemonade?" I asked handing him a glass and stifling a yawn.

He gladly accepted and pulled a chair up to the counter to sit down beside me.

"How are you feeling today?" He asked the question after studying me carefully for a few moments.

It was a question I'd grown used to answering... asked only anywhere from fifteen to twenty million times a day and though I grew tired of the question itself, I knew it was asked out of genuine concern and with good intent... and so I mostly tried to answer it honestly. Although I'm pretty sure I'd never told anyone yet "Well thanks for asking, I feel like complete shit!"... and there were plenty of days that answer would be the honest to God truth.

"I'm feeling pretty good today actually," I answered with a small grin (because it was true afterall), "a little bit tired, but good on the whole."

"You look like you feel good," he responded reaching out a hand and rubbing my fuzzy head. One of Kevin's favorite pastimes... even when I had hair.

I sipped my lemonade and pondered things for a moment, "You know, I have only two more rounds of chemotherapy left to get through. Then at least I'll have one less thing to worry about."

"That's awesome!" Kevin said with a warm smile, "We're going to have to throw you a huge party you know... a house warming, wedding showering, congratulations you're free of those damned medicines party!"

Kevin put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a kiss on the cheek before he grabbed both of our empty glasses and rinsed them off in the sink.

"That would be fun," I replied half-heartedly, "I would love to spend some time with everyone... you know... just in case."

The killjoy. Kevin looked at me and nodded knowingly. I hated to be the killjoy though, so I changed the subject quickly.

"Nick's SO gonna want to strangle me when he gets home. He has so much waiting for him to do." I motioned around my new house at all of the unpacked boxes stacked in various corners and lining the walls. "God knows I'm not unpacking any of his things until he gets back."

"I don't blame you," Kevin sighed, "he can be picky as hell when it comes to his personal belongings. When are they getting back anyway?"

I pointed to the calender hanging on the fridge across the kitchen. It was completely marked with red X's, one for every day that Nick had been gone so far, and a huge circle on the day he'd be coming home.

"Two more weeks," I said with a smile... "Just two more weeks."

My best friend Kelly and her husband, Joey had left only a few minutes before after spending the entire day helping me move boxes from my old apartment and I was starting to feel a little bit lonely. No surprise really. I'd always felt lonely in my tiny, one bedroom apartment, I should have known I'd feel lonelier in a big old house like this one.

I busied myself gathering pizza boxes and paper plates from the patio table and tossing them into the trashcan by the sliding glass doors before laying down on a lounge chair and pulling out my journal.

I still found it hard to believe it had been nearly six months since I'd been diagnosed with cancer. My life had certainly become a worldwind of constant activity that made those six months both fly by and, at the same time, seem like an eternity.

The first month following diagnosis had been spent in and out of the hospital receiving weekly chemotherapy treatments before I underwent surgery to remove as much of the cancer as possible.

Unfortunately that meant removing everything. I lost my ovaries, my fallopian tubes and my uterus... and along with them, a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.

True I was only about five weeks pregnant, but it was a pregnancy none the less, and so along with the knowledge that I could never have children because of the cancer, I had to endure the heartache of knowing the cancer had claimed the child we should have had. I was heartbroken over the loss, but sometimes I still feel that losing that part of our future dream had been more difficult for Nick that it had been for me. Perhaps because once the initial shock wore off I'd had to focus my efforts so hard on just trying to stay alive, or maybe because I'd become so accustomed to pain, that I'd somehow been able to distance myself from the emotion I should have felt from losing what would have been my first and only pregnancy.

Even with the distance created it had easily been the worst month of my entire life, and yet somehow, by the grace of God, and with help from my family and friends, I managed to make it through.

And the months since those first weeks had been such a blur of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, doctor's appointments and specialists visits, and sickness and sickness and more sickness. It was hard to believe... VERY hard to believe, that I was finally nearing the end of it all.

Treatments are never easy. The one question I get asked the most - "What is the chemotherapy like?"

Well, it sucks. I won't lie. Nick and I (or whoever happens to be my chaperone for the day), wake up in the morning and drive the 40 minutes to the hospital where I spend a series of hours - as little as 5, as long as all day - sitting in a small room hooked up to an IV that sends poisions into my body. Poisions whose bags are marked with big yellow caution labels warning that no one but the cancer patient should come into contact with the contents. Warnings that make me cringe. And as if that thought isn't a disturbing enough... well then what comes after those poisons are dripped into my body... that's the worst.

Nick, God love him, will do anything and everything in his power to make those chemo days go by a little faster and more smoothly for me. He'd do anything in his power to keep me feeling as good as possible for as long as possible. He'd read to me or sing to me or just sit there with me and hold my hand as I sleep, and somehow the simple act of him just being there is usually enough to lift my spirits.

When the treatments are over we drive back to my apartment and that's when the toughest part begins. Inevitably, each and every single time I have chemo, I spend the night puking my guts up in our bathroom (if I'm lucky enough to make it there in time) while Nick sits by and rubs my back or strokes my forehead or offers me small sips of water as he reassures me that it will all be over soon. And even though I know he's right, that it will all be over soon, the thought isn't really comforting until it is. When the vomiting finally ends after what always seems like a lifetime, and usually only because there's simply nothing left to vomit, I sleep for hours on end, curled up in his arms. And that's the only time during the whole process when I even allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe I can actually make it through all this.

It's horrible, so if I sound very strong or brave at all during this, don't let my attitude fool you. I'm really not that strong. Actually, I'm rarely very strong at all. There have been several nights when I've felt like I couldn't do it anymore. When I've felt like I couldn't live through another day or another treatment. It's those nights when Nick takes me in his arms and holds me close to him and tells me that he will always be there for me. Tells me that he would take my place if he could. And it's those nights, after despite having to clean up my vomit or listen to my cries of pain when he's still sitting by my side after 100% of the worst... it's those nights when he says it with his heart wide open, that I know he means it the most.

And though I'd like to believe that this struggle has made me a stronger, better person... for Nick, I know it has.

For me, the worst part of the whole experience, second to the after effects of chemo, has been having to be stuck inside so much. I've spent several weeks in the hospital with fevers since my surgery and there have been times when I had to avoid being out in public, or even around my friends because my blood counts were too low. But we've always played the 'better safe than sorry' card and because a low blood count means that my body can't fight off infections, I have to try my best to avoid any sort of illness or infection altogether.

That's been rough. I've hated not being able to go out to the mall or to dinner or to a movie with my friends. I've hated being stuck in my apartment.

And then there was the day I lost my hair.

I will never forget that morning. I woke up from a rough night and reached up to run my fingers through my hair. When I pulled them away my hands were filled with long strands of blonde. I rolled over and looked down to find the clumps all over my pillow and I screamed out loudly into the morning silence. Nick spent the next several hours holding me in his arms and assuring me repeatedly that I was beautiful and that I would always be beautiful to him no matter what.

My hair continued to fall out all day until finally that night I asked Nick to shave my head. He did so with shaking hands and was about to shave his own head when I stopped him. I couldn't bare the thought of not having someone's hair to run my fingers through. It took a long while to get used to the idea that I couldn't wake up in the mornings and throw my hair up in a ponytail, or that I didn't need a curling iron anymore. I tried to joke that I had the easiest hairstyle in the world... but it still hurt. It still does.

We spent the majority of my good days over the summer house hunting. The lease on my apartment was set to end in November and Nick wanted to buy a house -- our house -- by the end of the year.

We'd found this gorgeous plot of land, right outside of Lexington by sheer luck, and with it's beautiful farm house and the lake on the landscape, we had jumped at the chance to purchase it. The former owners had moved out the last week in September and so I had started moving in this week.

The Backstreet Boys had begun touring in early September much to the chagrin of all involved. Nick had tried to convince me on more than one occasion that they needed to cancel the tour so that he could stay home with me but I had told him no. AJ, Brian and Howie had agreed to Nick's plan but I told them all no as well. I told them that they should go on and enjoy themselves, that I would be fine. After months of convincing and with the promise that Kevin and Kristin would check up on me daily they had finally and hesitatingly agreed to go on the six week tour.

I shivered in the night air and sighed, two more weeks and the guys would be home. I missed Nick so much that no amount of talking to him on the phone would suffice. We talked to each other everyday, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day, but it wasn't the same as having him with me.

It was getting cooler now and I knew the last thing I needed was to get chilled and end up in the hospital with a cold or fever. I gathered up my things and headed to the house. I made sure all of the doors were locked and then headed up to the guestroom. I was saving sleeping in the master bedroom for when Nick came home. I really hated being alone in a house that big so I turned on the tv and drifted off to sleep watching the news.

When Nick ignored him, Aj stared at him intently as if maybe his staring would do the trick.

"What's all the commotion?" Brian asked, coming into the room from out in the hall. He'd been headed towards the stage when he'd heard AJ yelling and decided he'd better intervene quickly or risk the two of them killing one another.

"Oh nothing Brian, it's just Frack over here refuses to hang up the phone and he's been on there for HOURS!"

Nick calmly took the phone away from his ear and placed his hand over the mouthpiece, ignoring AJ as he motioned towards where Brian was standing, "I'm talking to your sister," he mouthed as if that simple fact would make all the difference in the world.

"Oh. I see," Brian nodded at Nick and gave AJ a sharp look that said to the man, "Have a little compassion ya ass!" before turning back to Nick and replying, "Tell her I said hi and I love her."

Nick placed the phone back up to his ear and relayed Brian's message.

"She loves you too." He whispered after a moment.

AJ groaned and rolled his eyes at the pair of them, shooting a dirty look Nick's way as he spat, "I love her too you know, but don't blame me when the fans get ticked off because we're an hour late to our OWN FRIGGIN' SHOW!"

And with those words he jumped up and stomped out the door, never looking back to see Nick shoot him the finger behind his back.

Brian chuckled at his best friend and sighed, turning to walk out the door himself. He stopped short instead, turning quickly and shaking his head at the sight of Nick with the phone still to his ear. "Nick... we really do have a concert to put on you know?"

Nick shot Brian the finger too and both of them laughed.

"I'm on my way! GEEZ!."

He put the phone back to his ear for the third time in about five minutes.

"You still there babe?"

"Of course!"

"Well, I have a feeling if I don't get off this phone and out on stage you'll have to find yourself a new fiance."

He listened for a few moments as Gracie told him that she loved him and that she missed him and as the two of them said their goodbyes.

He hated telling her goodbye.

He hung up the phone and walked to the mirror where he put the finishing touches on his wardrobe before heading out of his dressing room to meet the guys backstage. Once there he handed his cellphone off to Howie's wife Leigh as he had every night for the past four weeks. It had become the unspoken backstage ritual... Leigh took the phone without any questions or hesitations, knowing the reason he gave it to her without even having to ask. He never wanted to leave it unattended. He didn't want to take any chances. Didn't want to miss any calls.

He couldn't wait to get home and hold her in his arms again. Just two more weeks... two more weeks.

I rolled over in bed, setting the phone gently on its reciever as I glanced at the clock on the bedside stand.

7:15 am.

God how I hated mornings.

I had just gotten off the phone with Nick and as was always the case after one of our long chats, I wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and crawl back under the covers to fall asleep and dream about holding him tight. Today, however, was not the day for that. It was the first day of my second to last round of chemotherapy and I needed to be at the hospital in less than two hours.

I stretched out on the bed and hung my head upside down over the side, my fingers dangling upon the floor beneath me. I watched the sun rise through the large picture window in our guest bedroom and said a silent prayer, asking God to help me through the day. The doctors were going to up the dosage of my medications for the last two rounds of chemo and I wasn't at all sure my body could handle a new routine.

I thought of Nick, oceans away in Australia and blinked back the tears that had formed in my eyes. I had to keep reminding myself that he would be home in two weeks. No, scratch that... I pulled myself back up onto the bed and took the calender from under the pillow next to mine, grabbing the pen and scratching off another day.

Now he would be home in just 12 days.

I climbed out of bed and dragged myself into the bathroom to shower. I slipped off my t-shirt and rubbed my hand across the now permanent bump on my left collarbone.

My port.

This tiny device the doctors had implanted beneath my skin nearly 6 months ago was my lifesaver. It had allowed the doctors and nurses to draw my blood and to give me chemo without constantly jabbing me with needles... I was terrified of needles. It was hard to believe that after all this time I could still be afraid of something I had to deal with on a nearly daily basis. It was also hard to believe that I would soon be coming to the end of this journey.

I hadn't talked much to my family and friends about my prognosis... not even to Nick. I knew it was something we'd eventually have to discuss but I kept putting it off, hoping that maybe, through some miracle, it would all just go away and I would never have to talk about it at all. And I continued to hope for that miracle even though my doctors were quick to remind me that while the treatments could lengthen my life, the prognosis was still poor.

Very poor.

I understood. Of course I understood. But I also believed in miracles and if nothing else, I wasn't ready to give up just yet.

I showered quickly and slipped into my jogging pants and Kentucky sweatshirt. I always went for comfort on chemo days and today I had a feeling I would need as much comfort as possible. I grabbed my "Life is Good" hat off of the dresser and headed down to the kitchen to wait on Kelly.

Kevin, Kristin, Kelly and Joey had all taken turns taking me to treatments and appointments while Nick was away, and today was her day.

I sat at the table and tried my best to choke down some pancakes and orange juice. I usually ate pretty well when I was off treatment but the mere thought of starting chemotherapy had set my stomach on edge. I had finally given up and was rinsing my plate off in the sink when I heard the doorbell ring and I went quickly to answer it.

I opened the door and was shocked to find Angel Carter, Nick's youngest sister, standing there at my door holding my morning paper.

"Good morning beautiful."

"Oh my GOD!" I screamed, louder than necessary I'm sure, taking her into a hug and squeezing her tight, "What in the world are you doing here?"

"Well..." Angel said holding me back at arms length and looking me up and down, "First off you look gorgeous! And secondly I thought you could use a little help planning the wedding. Besides I'd always wanted to come to Kentucky and see how you country folk lived," She winked and we laughed and we hugged again.

"I just can't believe you're here... oh gosh come in!" I exclaimed ushering her in out of the frosty morning air.

"Wow," She said looking around the house and taking it all in, "Nick wasn't lying, this place is beautiful."

"Isn't it though? I thought I'd seen every beautiful home in Kentucky... but this one takes the cake." I smiled as I showed her to the kitchen and pointed towards the back window at the view of the lake. "This is one of my most favorite spots in the entire house."

"It's amazing." She whispered, peering out the window as a flock of birds flew overhead.

There was another knock at the door and I excused myself to let Kelly in. We walked into the kitchen together and I introduced her to Angel. We all sat and chatted for a few minutes before I noticed that the clock on the wall showed it was time to head out to the hospital.

"Ugh," I groaned, not even wanting to think about the coming hours.

"I'll come with you," Angel offered as she stood and followed Kelly and I to the door.

"You don't have to, really. It's pretty boring," I assured her, positive that Angel would hate me after a long day of sitting in the hospital watching me marinate in chemotherapy treatments.

"No really, I want to... and hey, " She said looking towards Kelly with a wink, "I think we all have a wedding to plan."

Kelly nodded and smiled in agreement with Angel, hoping I'm sure that planning the wedding would help me get through the day. She ran to her car to grab a bunch of bridal catalogs she'd been carrying around for the past few weeks just for such a purpose, before we all climbed into my car and headed out to the hospital.

It would be a long day, no doubt, but at least now I knew that I would be in good company.

Nick rolled out of bed in his hotel room and sauntered out to the balcony. He'd tossed and turned all night long worrying about how Gracie was doing, and because of this, he'd gotten barely a wink of sleep.

He peered out at the gorgeous view of Perth, Australia that his balcony afforded him and thought about all the fun the two of them would be having together if she had only been there with him. How much more fun the entire tour would have been if she could have come along.

He sat down then, his back against the wall and stared out into the darkness waiting for the sun to rise. He and Grace had done this every day on their trip to Hawaii -- woken up early in the morning and snuck down to the beach together where they'd laid beneath the stars until the sun came up. God how he wished she was curled in his arms right then, waiting with him.

He flipped open the cover of his cellphone and glanced at the time, it read 6:57 am, which meant that it was 6:57 pm in Kentucky. Not too late to call... and yet, he knew in his heart she would not be up for conversation. She never was after chemo. He started to slip the phone back into his pocket before shaking his head and doing the only thing he felt was right. He flipped it open again and clicked 2 on his speed dial and took the chance. This way their home phone would ring and not her cellphone and he figured at least someone would be there to answer.

It rang several times before anyone did.

"Yello," a voice finally came through the line. He recognized it instantly as Kevin's.

"Hey Kev, it's Nick... how's my girl?" He asked, skipping the small talk and getting straight to the point.

"Hey Nick." Kevin's voice came through strong and clear, but he sounded tired. Nick could hear it in his voice.

"Man, I'll be honest, today was rough. She's definitely been as sick as I've ever seen her. Her doctors are giving her Zofran and Phenegran round the clock though, and she's sleeping now."

Nick sighed. She'd been afraid this treatment would make her sicker than she'd ever been in the past. He wished more than anything that he could be there with her at that moment, taking care of her.

"Are you guys making sure she gets enough fluids?" He asked, and then before waiting for the answer, "Oh, And she likes to have her feet rubbed when she feels really sick... it helps to ease the nausea." He felt like he needed to be there to make sure she was being properly taken care of.

"Well I'm here at the house," Kevin responded, "I just got back, but they're keeping her in the hospital at least until tomorrow. They want to make sure she's getting enough fluids in. Kelly and Angel are there with her, and last I heard she was resting as comfortably as could be expected."

"Oh. Okay."

Nick was worried now. This was the first time in the six months since she'd been diagnosed that they'd kept her in the hospital after treatments. At least unexpectedly. They'd talked about doing so before on a couple different occasions, and even suggested it a time or two, but she and Nick had always managed to get through the worst on their own.

"You guys having a good time?" Kevin asked, trying his best to change the subject in an attempt to take Nick's mind off of the negative if only for a moment.

"I guess..." he sighed deeper still. "I mean, it's beautiful and all... but I wish Gracie was here to enjoy it with me."

As much as Nick had tried to have fun in the countries they'd traveled to in the past few weeks, his thoughts had always be with his beautiful Grace. And they'd always been focused on just how much MORE fun the times could have been if she could have been there too.

"I know Nick." Kevin whispered understandingly, "Oh and by the way, before I forget, she said if I talked to you to tell you that she loves you and misses you and that she'll talk to you soon."

Nick sighed, taking in a deep breath and trying to hold back the tears that threatened to escape his eyes.

"Thanks Kev." he whispered, fighting still, "Tell her that I love her too, more than anything in the world."

"I will Nick."

"Oh and Kevin?"

"Yeah Nick."

There was a long pause on the line before he spoke, "She's okay? I mean... she's gonna be okay right?"

Kevin could hear Nick's voice falter and it broke his heart. He wished he knew the right words to say, but he didn't. He couldn't even try. When his father was dying of cancer so many people had said things that only made him feel worse. Things like, "he'll be okay", or when he was close to dying, "at least he will no longer be in pain". And it didn't matter how much he'd known it was true, or that people were trying to be comforting, that those things weren't meant to be taken the way they were... he couldn't help it. None of them were helpful.

He sighed, he didn't know what to say to Nick because there were no words adequate enough. The girl they were talking about here - sweet Gracie - was the love of Nick's life, true... but she was Kevin's cousin too and he'd held a special place in his heart for her since the day she was born. He couldn't imagine the world without her smile, he couldn't imagine never hearing her sing as she danced through the kitchen, or laugh at a funny joke again. He couldn't imagine a world without her compassion and her courage. A world without Grace was simply unimaginable. And so he said the only words that he could think to say. The only words that he really felt at the moment;

"God I hope so Nick. I really truly hope so."

There was a pause on the line for a few moments as both of the men sat silently, Kevin wiping his tears on the sleeve of his jacket... Nick letting his splash onto the tiled floor of the balcony where he was seated.

Nick was the first to break the silence, "I want you guys... you, Bri, Aj, and Howie to know that I love you. You guys have been there for me through all of this and... and I don't know what I'd do without you."

Kevin could tell his friend was crying now and he held the phone to his heart for a moment, trying not to break down even more himself, before lifting it back to his ear.

"We love you too Nick," he whispered. "You have been so strong through all of this. We all think the world of you... you should know that. Gracie thinks the world of you."

"Thanks man."

Nick wiped his eyes, yawning as he looked out across the city just in time to see the sun rising above the skyline. "Well, I guess I'm gonna get off here and try to get some sleep Kev. I'll talk to you tomorrow though. You'll call if anything changes?"

"You know I will Nick. Try to get some rest okay kid."

"I will." He sounded tired... hurt. "Night Kev."

"Night kid."

And with that Nick hung up the phone and watched as the sun continued to make itself known. A new day in Australia... a day just ending in Kentucky. He yawned again and rubbed his eyes. They had the day off today, thankfully. He felt tired now, truly tired and for the first time since he'd gone to bed the night before he lay down and quickly fell into a deep sleep. Gracie not far from his thoughts and his dreams.

Never far from them.

I sighed leaning my head back to rest against the seat of the car. I'd had a headache from the moment I opened my eyes, most likely from the combination of the vomiting I'd done the day before, and the medication they'd finally given me to stop the vomiting so I could sleep. I listened to the rest of my favorite Journey song before flipping off my ipod and tucking it away inside my overnight bag.

I reached down to the seat beside me to grab my pillow which was hidden beneath an emesis basin and a large hospital bag full of medications. I sat there for a moment and studied the scene. It was hard to believe that this is what my life had become -- barf buckets and bags full of medicine for pain and nausea. Oh... and pain and nausea. I grabbed the pillow, sending the basin scittering to the floor, and shoved it up against the window where I leaned my head in an attempt to find a comfortable position.

"You alright back there baby girl?" My father asked from the driver's seat, studying me carefully in the rearview mirror.

"I'm fine thanks," I answered tiredly, watching out the window as the trees passed by, "just ready to be home in my own bed."

"We'll be there soon sweetheart," my mom replied turning around in her seat and smiling reassuringly at me.

My mother and father had come to relieve Kelly that morning and I had sent Angel home with my car the night before. It was always nice having my parents there with me. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and I would stay home from school sick. My mom would tuck me into bed and sit with me, or fix me soup or rub my back and it felt good. Having a mom around to treat you like a kid again... well that part never got old.

"I talked to Brian this morning," she said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Really?" I asked... "I miss him."

"He misses you too. All the guys do. He said he loves you and wants you to know they all think about you constantly."

"I love him too. If you talk to him... tell him I said so."

Despite Brian's career he and I had always been close. He was 8 years older than I was and had always been extremely overprotective of me. I was his baby sister -- his only sister -- and he wouldn't let anybody forget it. It was no big secret that he hadn't liked the idea of Nick and I dating in the beginning. He'd all but kicked himself in the ass for bringing me along on the last leg of their Black and Blue Tour when he'd realized the two of us were a little more than just friends.

Brian and Nick were best friends though, and that would never change, even if Nick had started dating his sister. We knew Brian had finally accepted our relationship when he'd invited me out to Georgia two summers before to stay with him and Leighanne and had surprised me with another guest... Nick. And that summer was when our romance had really blossomed.

Everything wonderful I had in my life I owed to Brian.

I wiped away a tear that had formed in the corner of my eye as I sat and thought of the times we'd all shared that summer, not so long ago and yet so very, very long ago. Baylee was just a toddler then and we'd all had so much fun. We'd had cookouts and pool parties and picnics in the park, we'd gone to the zoo and to the beach and I'd had one of the best summers of my entire life. I had watched Brian and Leighanne with Baylee and envisioned what my life would someday be like. I had dreams of having a home on the beach with Nick and our family. We would be so happy and life would be so good.

My eyes came to rest on the emesis basin on the floor once more. Those dreams... MY dreams... it was hard to believe that in such a short amount of time they had all been shattered. I sniffled and wiped my eyes again focusing on the trees out the window and trying to take my mind off those thoughts.

"You sure you're okay?" My father asked again, the concern evident in his voice.

"I'm sure..."

I wasn't.

I wanted to get home and talk to Nick. I hadn't talked to him since the morning before in the car on the way to the hospital.

We talked several times most days but on chemo days he knew that I would be too sick to carry on a conversation and so Kevin would relay our messages back and forth or let him know how I was doing. I looked down at my watch, it was 2:00 in the afternoon which meant it would be the middle of the night for Nick. I would have to wait until evening.

I sighed again, my stomach churning. The nausea that had made my life so miserable the day before was but a small nuisance now. I once again leaned my head into the pillow and tried to find a comfortable position. I closed my eyes and wished for this day to be over, only I knew that tomorrow I would have to go through the chemo all over again.

If I could just get home and sleep for a while then I could wake up and call him... I could hear his voice... and everything would be okay.

I stretched for a few more minutes before stepping off the porch and jogging down the sidewalk. The leaves crunched beneath my feet as I ran along the street, and the smells of autumn filled my nose. It was a reasonably warm day, in the 50's, and I was comfortable in my sweatshirt and jogging pants.

I thought about the last week's events as I ran. I had never been through a more difficult time in my life. The chemos had been the worst I'd ever experienced and I had been so sick that my oncologist had canceled my last treatment. This left me with one round of chemotherapy to go.

I was relieved... and I was scared.

I'd spent the past several days in bed recovering from the worst of the treatments, watching every season of House and Grey's Anatomy I owned. Angel, Kelly and I had made a nice dent in planning the wedding before Angel had left on Friday afternoon to go back home. I had enjoyed her company so much and was sad to see her go.

It was hard to believe we were down to 9 weeks until our wedding day. A day I'd dreamed of my entire life... and it was so close now. Nick and I had chosen New Year's Day as our special day and we were going to be getting married in Hawaii in a very small and private ceremony. We had decided that since our year had not gone at all the way we'd imagined, or the way we'd planned, or the way we'd wanted... that we would at least have our say in how our next year together and the rest of our lives together would begin.

I would never forget the day he'd proposed to me. We'd spent every single morning of our two week trip in Hawaii down on the beach together watching the sun rise. Neither of us were morning people but we'd set the alarm clock everyday and made a point to share the moment together. We'd lay there on a blanket on the beach and watch the sun rise and then we'd often fall asleep in each others arms beneath the shade of our umbrella and wake an hour or so later when Brian ran by on his morning jog and kicked sand at us or whistled or did any number of unpleasant things to annoy us. That morning he'd woken me up early and had prepared a picnic breakfast to take out to the beach with us. He'd had strawberries and french toast, champagne and orange juice. We'd eaten our fill and just as the sun was rising he took me in his arms and told me he loved me. That was it. I thought something was up, but he'd done nothing more until that night when he'd planned a picnic dinner as well and followed the same routine in the setting sun. He'd pulled me close as the sun was going down and told me that he wanted to spend every sunrise and every sunset with me for the rest of his life as he'd done that day and then he'd pulled out the ring in the moonlight. It was the best and most amazing moment of my life.

I smiled thinking of that day and breathed in the fresh air around me. I was so thankful to be feeling somewhat human again. I slowed down to walk now growing tired of running and felt my cellphone vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out and flipped it open... it was Nick.

"Hey babe," I said taking a deep breath and answering the phone as I stopped to look out over the lake.

"Hey sexy! You sound better," he replied... I could hear the happiness in his voice.

"I feel SO much better. I'm actually out jogging and taking in the scenery around the house... it's so gorgeous out here Nick," I said spinning around in a circle and taking a seat on the grass at the edge of the lake.

"I bet. I can't wait to be there taking it all in with you."

"I know, me either. Not too much longer though... only five days!!!"

I yelled it out into the open realizing just then that five days was all I had left until Nick came home.

"I can't wait. I've been counting down the days since we left. I'll be home just in time for the big day right!"

I knew that Nick was refering to my 26th birthday on November 6th. I hadn't thought too much about it... hadn't really wanted to.

"Yeah... but I'm not really sure I want to celebrate... you know."

"What? Babe you have to celebrate! I mean with all that you've been through Gracie, this birthday is a miracle!" Nick hoped she didn't really mean it. He and the guys had been talking back and forth with Kelly and Kristin and planning a party for her for months.

"I guess. I just... yeah, you're right." I said. I didn't want to tell Nick that I was afraid this would be my last birthday, but I was.

"You okay hon?" He questioned. I could tell he'd caught on that something was up.

"Yep. Just a lot on my mind. I miss you!"

"I miss you too, like crazy... five more days and you're all mine!"

"Five more days."

I smiled and stood to walk back to the house. Nick and I continued to talk as I walked along the street telling him all about our new plot of land as I trudged along over the dried leaves that crunched beneath my feet. We talked about the wedding plans and about his tour. I told him to tell the guys I loved them and he asked about Angel's visit. I mainly just enjoyed hearing his voice.

We hung up right as I got back to the front porch. I stood there and stretched my legs looking out across the beautiful scenery that was our front yard. With this round of chemotherapy behind me five days didn't seem so far away.

"Ouch! Damn what was that for!" Howie said turning his head to face AJ, an annoyed expression on his face. He rubbed his ribs tenderly.

"Sorry man. But hey, check that out." Aj said pointing over to where their bandmates were snoozing.

"Awww," Howie replied taking in the sight of his brothers napping peacefully, "isn't that sweet."

AJ nodded and smiled, but his smile quickly vanished and was replaced by a more serious and somber expression.

"Hey Howie," He said looking over at where Howie and gone back to reading his newspaper.

"Yeah Aje?" He replied without taking his eyes away from his reading.

"I'm worried about those two. I mean... did you feel like this tour was really weird. Really different?"

AJ had noticed the difference as soon as they'd left the states. He'd expected it with Grace's illness, but it didn't make it feel any easier to accept when it actually happened. Nick and Brian were the pranksters of the group. They were the ones who made the tours fun... the lives of the party. This time around it had been AJ and Howie who were left to lighten the mood. Nick had understandably spent most of his time on the phone with Grace or with someone else at home checking up on her, and Brian had been especially somber throughout the tour. Leighanne had stayed home with Baylee and AJ felt that a combination of their absence and his worry over his sister's health was starting to affect his own health. He'd kept mostly to himself and spent his days off in his hotel room refusing to go out with the other guys. AJ thought he'd heard him crying several times in the middle of the night when they'd had to share a room but Brian had never talked about it and so Aj had never asked.

Nick and Brian had wanted to cancel the tour back when Gracie was first diagnosed with cancer, but she was determined that they should go on... now, looking over at the two of them across the aisle exhausted and emotionally drained, AJ was wondering if they'd done the right thing.

"I know what you mean. It was definitely a completely different experience. They have a lot on their minds though Aje. I mean... I remember when my sister was so sick, it was hard to have my mind on anything else for a long time," Howie stated thoughtfully.

"Yeah. I just hope they can get some rest now that we're heading home. I know I'm ready to sleep in my own bed for a while."

"Agreed."

Howie took another glance at the two sitting across from them. He'd definitely noticed the change as well. Grace meant a lot to all of them. He remembered the first time they'd met her after the group had started. She was just a little girl at the time, only 2 years younger than Nick. And then he thought back to the Black and Blue Tour when she'd spent the summer with the guys and they hadn't seen her in a while. Howie couldn't believe how much she'd grown up and changed. She'd gone from being a shy, withdrawn little girl to a beautiful, outgoing and spunky college student, the girl Nick had fallen in love with. She had so much going for her at the time and the two of them had spent many late nights sitting on the tour bus talking about life and love and the world in general. He'd been amazed at how mature she was. Like all of the other guys he'd been devastated when he'd heard the news of her diagnosis. He loved Grace like a sister and it hurt him more than words could say to know that they could be losing her... he knew what it was like to be in Brian's position, the possibility of losing a sister and that was painful enough, but he couldn't begin to know what Nick was going through. When he'd met Leigh he'd known that she was the woman he was meant to spend the rest of his life with. The thought of anything ever happening to her was too much to bare.

He looked over at AJ who had also fallen asleep now and leaned his own head back against the seat. They should be back in the states in a few hours and they would all be going their separate ways. He and AJ would head to LA and Brian would fly to Georgia. Nick would board a plane to Kentucky and in a week they would all meet up there for Grace's birthday party.

He said a silent prayer that everything would be okay until then.

"yyyyyaaaaaawwwwnnn," I yawned for the fifth time in the last couple of minutes. I stretched my feet out in front of me curling my toes around the edge of the coffee table and leaned back into the couch. I was sitting in the living room between Joey and Kristin, Kelly was curled up at Joey's feet and Kevin was seated across the room in Nick's recliner. We were watching some movie the guys had rented, but I could barely keep my eyes open. When I failed to stifle yet another yawn Kevin shot me a look across the room and stood up grabbing the blanket off the back of his seat.

"That's it cuz, you are SO taking a nap. No arguing!"

Kristin hopped up off the couch and grabbed one of the pillows for me to lay down on and I obliged knowing that trying to argue with Kevin Richardson would be futile anyway. I stretched out across the couch as Kevin covered me up with the blanket. I laid my legs across Joey's lap and he took my feet in his hands and gave them a gentle massage as Kevin returned to his seat and unpaused the movie.

"You know..." I said looking down towards where Joey was rubbing my aching feet and staring at the television screen.

"Know what?" He questioned looking down towards where I lay.

"Nick might be a little jealous if he could see you right now." I laughed and Joey winked.

"He should be." He continued giving me a foot massage as I settled back against the pillow and closed my eyes. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so exhausted. I had spent most of the day cleaning the house and unpacking more boxes anxiously awaiting Nick's arrival home. It would be his first night in our new house and I wanted it to be special. I had checked off the last red X on the calender yesterday and smiled. He should be home in a few hours and the guys were going to cookout hamburgers on the grill. I could feel my body relaxing now, the sounds of whatever movie they were watching echoing in my head.

I wanted to be well rested when he got home so I allowed myself to drift off to sleep.

Nick climbed out of the car and stretched his legs flipping his sunglasses up on his head as he took in the view of home. The six weeks he'd been gone had felt like an eternity. When he'd left to go on tour it was 80 degrees and the flowers were still blooming. The leaves on the trees were green and the air had smelled of freshly cut grass. Today however, while it was still bright and sunny there was a distinct chill in the air that made him pull his jacket up around his face to keep the wind away from his ears. The yard was covered in a layer of fallen leaves and the trees were nearly bare. He could tell that they had a fire burning in the fireplace and he could smell the burgers on the grill out back. He reached into the backseat and grabbed his bag as Brian and Gracie's older brother Harold came around to help him with his suitcases.

"Thanks again for picking me up man."

"My pleasure."

Kevin had called Nick the night before and let him know that Grace would be unable to meet him at the airport. She had been in to see her doctor that morning and her counts were too low for her to be out in public during flu season. Nick had hated the idea that she wouldn't be the first person he would see when he got off the plane but he knew it wasn't worth the risk.

The two men walked to the back of the house together to find Kevin and Joey grilling out burgers on the deck. Kevin smiled when he saw Nick and waved hello as he walked down the steps to greet his cousin, embracing him tightly in a hug.

"We've missed you man. Did y'all have a good tour?"

Nick hugged him back taking in the moment. Kevin had always been like an older brother to Nick and to know that he had been here for Grace the entire time he'd been gone on tour... Nick didn't know how to thank him.

"We did. It was long though and of course I had too many other things on my mind..."

"Yeah, understandable. But I heard the fan base was incredible."

"It was, but then again, it always is."

"True." Kevin said taking Nick's bag and leading him up the stairs to where Joey was flipping burgers.

"Dinner should be ready soon." Joey said as he handed Nick a bottle of Ale-8. Nick looked at him questioningly.

"Man, if you're going to live in Kentucky you've got to at least give it a try."

Nick smirked and took a sip of the Kentucky famous soda making a horrible face and pretending like he was gagging.

"This stuff is god-awful!" He laughed handing it back to Joey.

"You my friend... are un-american!" Harold said reaching across Joey and taking the bottle from Nick. He took a long swig and sighed. "This is the good stuff."

Kevin patted Nick on the back and laughed, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm a pureblooded Kentuckian and I think it tastes like crap."

Nick couldn't help but make fun of the looks on Joey and Harold's faces. They all stood and talked for a few more moments before he couldn't stand to wait any longer. "Where is everyone else?" He asked looking over at Kevin.

"Well, Kel and Kristin are inside looking at wedding magazines like they've been doing every spare moment for the past six weeks." He rolled his eyes as he pointed through the glass doors towards the kitchen table where the two women sat surrounded by stacks of magazines, "And Grace is upstairs asleep. She's been up there for about an hour now."

Nick frowned. He hated this disease. The Gracie he knew was as crazy as he was, off the wall and always having fun and it was these types of things, the napping in the middle of the day or going to bed earlier at night that let him know her illness was hitting her hard.

"Is she alright?" He asked Kevin his face showing an expression of deep concern.

"What? Oh, yeah she's okay. She's been working hard all day today and she was just really tired. She said to wake her up before you got home, but we wanted to let her sleep."

"Oh, okay." He said relaxing just a little bit. "That was probably for the best. I'm gonna go up and see her now though... I don't think I can wait any longer."

"I don't blame you." Kevin gave Nick another quick hug and watched him walk inside. He paused briefly to give Kristin and Kelly kisses and hugs before he vanished from the kitchen and headed up the stairs towards the guestroom. Kevin watched until he was out of sight.

"God I'm glad he's home," He said reaching across Joey and grabbing the bottle of Ale-8 out of Harold's hands.

"Yeah... they need each other." Joey replied watching Kevin take a sip of his drink.

"Just as I suspected." He said handing the bottle back and wiping his mouth on his shirt, "That stuff still tastes like shit."

"Apparently," Harold said raising his eyebrow at Kevin, "all of the Backstreet Boys are unamerican."

Kevin elbowed his cousin in the ribs and they all laughed.

"And I agree..." Harold said as he looked into the house where Nick had disappeared moments earlier, "those two definitely need each other."

Nick crept slowly down the hall and slid the door of the guestroom open a crack, sliding his body inside. He stood by the dresser and stared for a long time at the woman laying there in bed. The light from the bathroom along with the setting sun coming through the window played off her pale face and Nick sighed in awe of how beautiful she looked. He could see her breathing, her chest rising and falling steadily beneath the sheets, a comforting sight, and he walked slowly over to the bed and sat down beside her.

"My God how I missed you," He whispered as he leaned forward and gently stroked the soft fuzz that was growing in all over her head. He kissed her gently on the lips and took her hand in his.

She stirred now and her eyelids fluttered open. She looked up into his eyes and a smile crossed her face as she pulled him into her arms and kissed him. When she'd finally released her hold on him, he pulled her up in the bed and they sat there just staring at one another for a long time. Neither spoke for several moments until finally she took a breath.

"Oh my God Nick... I missed you so much," She cried as tears ran down her cheeks spilling onto the sheets below.

"Baby don't cry!" He pulled her close and held her tight, not letting go. Never letting go.

His own tears began to fill his eyes and he wanted this moment to last forever. "I missed you too sweetheart... I love you."

"I love you too Nick... I love you so much."

He laid her down on the pillow and kicked off his shoes. He crawled beneath the covers beside her and took her into his arms. He didn't ever want to let her go again. Even if that meant laying in this bed for the rest of his life. That would be just fine with him.

She laid her head upon his chest and stroked his hair with her fingers as she tried to stop herself from crying. Finally she looked up into his eyes and smiled.

"Did you guys have fun?"

"Not really... I missed you too much."

It was true. He hadn't given himself the chance to enjoy this tour. His mind had been other places.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay baby... I'm just glad to be home with you."

They laid there for a little while and talked about their time apart. Nick told her about Australia and how he'd wished she could have been there to see the sunsets. Grace told him about the plans for the wedding and about how happy she'd been when Angel had dropped in for her unexpected visit. He smiled again... that was his idea. She yawned and Nick cuddled in closer to her. He buried his nose in her neck and rubbed her arms gently with his hands. It felt so good being back in this place.

Even though he hadn't meant for it to happen, he'd let his mind wander to dark places many times on the tour. He'd laid in bed alone at night and thought about the fact that he might soon have to spend every night that way... alone. He'd left on the tour with every aspect of her still fresh in his mind. The way she smelled and how she laughed, he'd even taken one of her nightshirts with him to sleep with, but as the tour went on he found himself not being able to remember. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't imagine her face perfectly enough, or hear her laugh exactly as he knew it had been. And eventually the nightshirt began to smell like everything else in his suitcase. He knew that was what it would be like to lose her, if... when... it happened and now he knew he could never be prepared for that.

He took it all in now as she laid there beside him snoring gently. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in her scent. He didn't want to imagine ever having to forget. He pulled the cover up over her body and closed his eyes.

He forgot about the guests downstairs as he drifted off to sleep with her in his arms.

Kevin opened the door a crack and peaked in before opening it the rest of the way. He stood in the doorway and marveled at the sight before him. They were sound asleep together, wrapped in each others arms.

He taped the note to the door, careful not to disturb the exhausted couple and then snuck back downstairs to join the others.

It was dark when I finally woke up, the clock on the bedside stand let me know that it was 11:00 pm. I nudged Nick gently and he curled up closer to me and opened his eyes. He smiled up at me and I could feel my heart beat faster within my chest. I kissed him and smiled back. It felt so good to have him back home.

"Did everyone leave?" I asked standing slowly up out of the bed and walking into the bathroom.

"I guess," he called back to me as he sat up and stretched his arms over his head, "I fell asleep too. I wonder why they didn't wake us up for dinner."

"No kidding," I replied flushing the toilet and washing my hands. I walked out of the bathroom to where he sat and pulled him up off the bed. "I'm absolutely starved. Let's go downstairs and see if they left any food."

We walked to the doorway and Nick flipped on the light pulling a piece of paper from the wooden bedroom door. "Looks like they left a note," he said as he read it out loud.

-- Hey sleepyheads, We didn't want to wake you up for dinner so we ate and ran. Hope you both get some much needed rest. There are leftovers in the fridge, and Nick, there's plenty of Ale-8 in the cooler on the deck. *wink*

We'll lock up on our way out. Talk to you soon!

Love you guys,

Kevin.

I watched Nick smile as he read the note. If anyone knew how to take care of us it was Kevin.

We walked downstairs and flipped on the lights in the living room and kitchen. The one downfall to living out in the country was that it was so dark at night. I went into the kitchen and pulled the burgers and potato salad out of the fridge. I popped the burgers in the microwave and grabbed a couple of water bottles from the pantry.

"Hey Nick!" I hollered out to the living room as I grabbed the plate out of the microwave and took our food out to where I'd left him, "where'd you go?"

He was standing in the middle of the room looking around at all of the new decor. I had moved most all of our belongings in now so it felt more like home. I had wanted to wait until he got back to put the finishing touches on the house but the longer I had stayed there by myself the more stir crazy I'd become. I couldn't stand living in a house that was littered with moving boxes. It didn't feel cozy, so I'd started unpacking and I hadn't stopped.

"Do you like it?" I asked moving around to sit on the couch I placed our food on the coffee table in front of me.

"Wow Grace... it's beautiful. I mean, I knew you were great at this stuff, but you really outdid yourself." He sat down on the couch beside me and put his hand on my leg. "I don't know how you did all of this, especially with the chemo... you amaze me."

"Well, it was nothing really," I said blushing. "It's mostly all of the stuff from my old apartment. Kevin helped me paint and Kelly and Kristin helped with the rest. I've spent a lot of time shopping online since I wasn't allowed to go to the mall. Anything you don't like we can change..."

"No! I love it all babe, really this is awesome."

He leaned back into the comfort of the couch and rubbed my cheek with the back of his hand. It felt so good to have a home to call their own. He reached over and flipped on the tv, "I wonder if there's anything good on this time of night."

"Scrubs is on channel 11," I said grabbing the remote control and flipping the channel to my favorite show.

He laughed, "You still watch this show?"

"Uh... um... Zach Braff, Of COURSE!" He knew I'd always had a small crush on Zach Braff so he rolled his eyes and let it slide.

We sat there together and ate our burgers and then curled up together for a while on the couch and watched tv. When the second episode had ended I yawned and looked over at him. He was half asleep.

"You ready for bed sexy?" I said standing up and taking him by the hand as I bent down and kissed him on the forehead.

He raised his eyebrows at me questioningly and I nodded. He took me by the hand and led me up the stairs to our master bedroom. I opened the door and he let out a small gasp. This was the one room in our new home that I'd truly put my heart and soul into. Kristin and I had picked out a new king sized bed with a quilt top mattress and I'd bought a gorgeous new bedding set. Joey and Kevin had painted the room a mocha color and it was probably the most serene and earthy room in the entire house. I hadn't slept there yet but I spent many days and evenings out on our balcony reading or writing in my journal after my treatments. It was by far my favorite spot.

"Wow." I heard him say beside me.

"I know... I love this room the most."

He picked me up and carried me into the room setting me gently on the bed. He walked over to our dresser and pulled out a fresh nightgown for me and then went into the bathroom himself and changed as I changed into my gown. He came out and climbed into the bed with me laying there beside me looking deep into my eyes as he took me into a kiss.

We spent that night together, our first night in our home in our bed making love to one another. It was something we hadn't done since I'd been diagnosed with cancer. It was something that for a long, long time I'd been afraid of. On this night however, it just felt right.

We fell asleep once again in each others arms.

Home at last. Home together.

Happy Birthday Babe!

Words could never express how much I love you or how much you mean to me. I want you to know that I am the happiest I've ever been when I'm with you. I want you to know that you are the bravest, most beautiful, most incredible person I have ever had the priviledge to love.

You are my life and I love you.

Nick

I smiled and wiped the tears from my cheeks as I slid the card back into it's envelope and tucked it carefully into the drawer on my side of the bed. That was where I kept every card or note he'd ever written me. I'd opened that drawer so many times in the past several months and found comfort in his words.

I closed the drawer and laid back on the bed. I stared up at the ceiling and tried to get just a little bit excited about the day. It was, afterall, my 26th birthday. I should be enjoying it.

I used to love my birthday. I'd look forward to it all year long. Last year I'd gone out with a bunch of friends to the bars and we'd partied all night long... but this year my heart just wasn't in it.

I had often wondered how people felt when they knew they were dying... I wondered how they went on with their lives, celebrated birthdays and holidays and good times knowing that they would be their last. I struggled with it. It wasn't that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday... it was that I didn't want this to be the last birthday I ever celebrated.

I pulled my journal out from underneath my pillow and opened it up to the page of quotes I'd been writing down over the past six and a half months. Anytime I was feeling down or negative I read the quotes... they somehow made me feel better. I read the first quote I came to from one of my favorite books, Tuesdays with Morrie;

"When all of this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I am going to live -- or at least try to live -- the way I want. With dignity... with courage... with humor... with composure."

I read it over and over in my mind and decided right then and there that I needed to change my attitude. This was MY birthday, quite possibly the last birthday I would celebrate and I didn't want to spend it wallowing in self pity. I looked out the window and realized that for the first time in 6 days it wasn't raining. I smiled. Maybe this day wouldn't be so bad afterall.

I heard the door to the bedroom squeak open and saw his head peek in.

"You awake babe?" He asked, walking in slowly carrying a tray loaded down with breakfast. He shuffled over to the bed and set it down in front of me before climbing in on his side and covering up with the blankets.

I stared down at the meal before me. He'd made my favorite, french toast, and he'd brought strawberries, champagne and orange juice.

"Hmm..." I said taking a sip of the champagne ... "This reminds me of a meal we had together once."

He smiled taking a strawberry from the tray and feeding it to me, "You remembered."

"Of course I remember Nick... that was the best day of my life."

He leaned over and kissed me gently, "Mine too."

We sat there in bed together and ate our breakfast. He assured me that he'd only planned a 'small get together' for that night because he knew I hadn't wanted a huge party, and I felt relieved. When we were finished with breakfast he lifted the tray from the bed and walked with it to the bedroom door.

"Wait here," He said as he walked out the door, "I have something for you."

I sat in bed and wondered what it could possibly be. He'd left the house only once since arriving home last week and that had been the day before with Kevin. I heard the front door shut and figured he'd be gone for a few minutes. I hopped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I was changing into a pair of blue jeans and a sweatshirt when he peeked his head back in the door.

"What are you doing out of bed?" He asked as he came into the room and helped me with my sweatshirt.

"I've been in bed all week Nick, I don't want to spend my birthday there too." I smiled up at him and he smiled back.

"That's good to hear. But can you sit here on the bed for just a second while I get your gift."

"Sure." I sat down and covered my eyes as he'd requested. I could hear him out in the hall moving around and then I heard him come back in the room.

"Okay," He said, "Open your eyes!"

I took my hands away from my eyes and squealed with delight. He was standing there in front of me holding the most adorable tan colored Great Dane puppy I had ever seen.

"Oh my God Nick! How did you know??"

I had always wanted a Great Dane since I was a little girl but had never had the room for one. I couldn't remember ever mentioning it to Nick though.

"Kevin."

"Aww," I said as he handed me the puppy and it licked my cheeks, "remind me to kiss him later."

Nick laughed and sat down beside me reaching over to scratch the puppy on the head. "Well, what do you think we should name her?"

"Okay," I said looking at him and laughing. "This might sound crazy, but it's a name I've had picked out for years. If you don't like it we can name her something different though..."

He held up his hand and stopped me, "Spit it out already doofus!"

We laughed together and I told him the name.

"I like Kahlua."

I looked over at him expecting him to bust out laughing but he didn't.

"Like the alcohol?" He grinned, "I love it."

I laid back on the bed and let Kahlua cuddle up close to my body. I didn't have to try to be happy anymore... I truly was.

Nick and I spent the better part of the morning cuddled up on the couch together, Kahlua there between us sound asleep. We watched a movie and he made spaghetti for lunch. I had to admit that I was totally enjoying this quiet, peaceful birthday. Nick had gotten up to take our dishes to the kitchen and I glanced up when he came back in the room.

"So..." He said coming up behind the couch and giving me a gentle shoulder rub, "What do you want to do today?"

I looked up at him. Honestly I would have been perfectly content to stay right there in that moment for the rest of my life, but I knew I couldn't. I stood up off from the couch as Kahlua stirred restlessly and whimpered. I laughed at her, "Looks like she fits right in... lazy."

Nick laughed back and put his arms around my waist pulling me into a hug and kissing me.

"What's it gonna be babe?"

I looked out our large picture window at the lake. It was a gorgeous day, the sun shining brightly out across the water.

"Hmm, " I said as I pulled him closer. "It's the first nice day we've had in a week... why don't we go for a walk."

"Sounds nice," He said pulling away and picking Kahlua up from her spot on the couch. "I bought a leash, we can take this little girl for her first walk."

We grabbed our coats from the hall closet and opened the front door, stepping out into the cool fall air. Nick wrapped his arm around my waist and we trudged off down the sidewalk to the street together, Kahlua following behind at a leisurely pace, carefully exploring her new territory.

We'd made it a little ways down the road when we saw our neighbors walking towards us. I had met the woman several weeks before when I was out jogging and after that day we'd started jogging together. Kate was a breast cancer survivor and had become an amazing inspiration to me.

They came closer and we stopped for a few moments to chat. Kate was the first to say hello as she introduced her husband Sean and their two children, Riley and Peter. Riley was close in age to Baylee and seemed very shy, hiding behind her father's legs and refusing to say hello. Peter on the other hand was 10 months old and as friendly as any child I'd ever met. He sat in his stroller and cooed and smiled at us. I introduced them to Nick and he and Sean talked for a few moments about fishing in the lake and how they should get together for a game of golf sometime. It felt good to be standing there carrying on a normal conversation with normal people. If they recognized Nick they didn't show it. We said our goodbyes with the promise that we'd all get together soon.

"They seemed really nice," Nick said as we watched them disappear down the road.

"Yeah." I replied, "she's an amazing woman."

"You okay hon?" Nick asked taking my hand in his and scooping Kahlua, who was now laying on the concrete at our feet, up from the ground with his free arm.

"I'm alright... let's keep walking."

I was alright and life was good, but there were always constant reminders of what I was missing out on. I'd watched Kate and her husband walk off down the road, Kate pushing their son in his stroller, Sean holding their daughter's hand as the two of them ran ahead, and I realized in that moment that I was looking at something I'd never get to have. I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes as we continued walking down the road. When we came to the lake Nick laid out the blanket we'd brought with us and we sat there together staring out at the water.

I took in the scene... Nick and I sitting there together, curled up in one anothers arms on a beautiful fall day as our puppy played in the grass close by. I felt good and the sun was shining.

I couldn't help but smile.

Maybe I wasn't really missing out. Maybe this was exactly what my life was supposed to be.

Nick had hijacked the driver's seat of the car and we were headed towards downtown Lexington.

"You know, that's like the 20th time you've asked that question since we left the house. I would have thought you'd have caught on by now that I ain't tellin!"

I leaned over and punched him in the shoulder and he laughed, "Hey! What was that for?"

"That was for being an ass. Now tell me where we're going before I kick you out of my car!" I looked over at him and he shook his head. I knew it was a losing battle but I wasn't giving up just yet.

"Niiiiick..." I whined, "I told you I didn't want a big party. Please, if you planned something big just spill the beans now and turn around and take me home."

"Or else?" He asked, glancing over at me winking. I shot him a look that told him he'd better not tempt me and he quickly backed down.

"I promise babe, it's nothing big. Just dinner with a few people."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

I leaned back and sighed, trying my best to relax. I was ready for this day to be over. I'd had a great time just staying home and spending time with Nick and our new puppy and and I'd only agreed to come at all when he'd told me he'd had this whole thing planned for weeks.

He pulled the car into an empty parking space on a familiar street and leaned back in his seat reaching over and taking my hand in his. "Baby, this is going to be fun... just give it a chance."

I pasted on my best smile and gave him a kiss, "I'll try my best."

"Soooo... have you figured out where we're going yet?" He asked gesturing to the street ahead of us.

"Well, " I said leaning forward and peering out the window, "If my memory serves me right my favorite steakhouse is right down the block there."

"Does that make you happy?" He looked over at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I could have sworn my heart melted into a puddle on the floor of the car.

"Nick, sweetie... I'm from Kentucky. Steak ALWAYS makes me happy!"

He rolled his eyes at me and climbed out of the car. He walked around to my side and opened the door. He was always such a perfect gentleman. I took his hand and we walked down the street to Columbia's Steakhouse together.

We walked in the door and the hostess greeted us and asked for our name.

"Carter party," He said wincing when I elbowed him in the ribs at the word 'party.' He looked over at me and I shrugged.

We followed her to the back of the restuarant and through a small door.

"Surprise!" They all cheered as I came into the room. I was shocked to see everyone sitting there. Nick had been truthful, it wasn't a huge party but everyone I knew and loved was gathered together in that room.

"Auntie Grace!" I heard Baylee yell as he came leaping towards me and into my arms, "I missed you!"

"I missed you too Taterhead," I beamed, bending down and setting him on the ground. I gave him the biggest hug in the world and planted at least a thousand kisses on his tiny face.

As I stood up Brian took me in his arms. I hugged him back for a long time. If there was anyone I'd miss as much as I'd missed Nick it was Brian. He pulled me back and looked at me before giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek and whispering in my ear, "You look so beautiful sis, Happy Birthday."

"Thank you Bri. I've missed you." I gave him another hug and he nodded wiping the tears from his eyes. I then turned to hug Leighanne. Her cheeks were moist with tears and I could barely contain my own as I told her I'd missed her too.

Howie, Leigh and AJ were next. I had never expected them all to be there and it was definitely a pleasant surprise. AJ took me in his arms and kissed my cheek. "Heya sexy birthday girl," he crooned as he wrapped his arms around me. I laughed, he was still the same AJ I knew and loved.

I could tell Howie was trying hard not to cry when I got to him. I wiped a tear from his cheek and dabbed my own with a clean napkin. "We're a mess," I said as I smiled and hugged him tightly.

When I was done greeting all of the guys I hugged the others who had joined the party. Kevin and Kristin were there with baby Mason, along with my mom and dad and my brother Harold with his wife and my nieces. Kevin's mother was there and his brother Jerald and of course Kelly and Joey. We all sat down at the table and spent the rest of the evening catching up on life.

I had to admit the night was wonderful. I ate a huge meal and even felt good enough for dessert. I enjoyed seeing all of my family and friends and after dreading it all day long... I didn't want it to end. When everyone had finished eating and it was time to leave I hugged them each goodbye and thanked them for coming.

AJ, Howie and Leigh would be leaving the next day to head back to LA so I spent a few extra minutes with each of them making sure they knew how thankful I was and how much I loved them. Brian and Leighanne would be staying with Kevin for a few more days so we made plans to get together before they all headed out to put the little ones to bed.

Nick and I walked back out to the car together. It was freezing outside and he took his coat off and wrapped it around my shoulders.

"Did you have fun?" he asked as he leaned down and kissed me on the top of my head.

"You know what? I really did," I answered him as he opened my car door and I climbed inside, "Thank you Nick."

I knew there was a good possibility that this would be the last birthday I would ever get to celebrate and I hated to even think about it. I sat in the car and watched the scenery go by as we headed home. I thought about the day's events and how wonderful my 26th birthday had turned out to be.

I glanced over at Nick who looked back at me and smiled. I honestly could not have thought of a better way to spend it.

I laid in bed and listened to the song that was playing on the alarm clock. It was ironic that Chasing Cars would be the first song I would hear that morning. On a morning when I would have given anything to just lay in bed all day and forget the world... forget what I would be doing in a few short hours.

I rolled over and watched Nick sleeping for a few minutes. He was lying on his back his mouth opened wide and he was snoring like a buzz saw. I laughed as I rolled back to my side of the bed and hit the off button on the alarm. I threw the covers off and climbed out of bed shivering as my body hit the cold morning air.

Winter was definitely upon us now.

I grabbed my clothes off the dresser and quietly headed for the shower. I could hear Kahlua barking downstairs, but this morning she would have to wait.

I stripped off my pajamas and stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a long time, just standing there staring at the woman looking back at me.

I hardly recognized myself anymore. I was thin and pale and my arms were bruised and marked from the various tests the doctors had performe over the past few days.

The long, beautiful, blonde hair that I'd once loved so much was gone and now my bald head was covered in specks of peach fuzz. I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed my morning meds - all ten of them - and swallowed them all in three swallows. I had learned early on that taking them one at a time would take all day and got very old, very quickly.

I turned the water on as hot as I could stand and climbed into the tub. I hated these days. My head was aching already and I knew that I would feel one thousand times worse by nightfall and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

I sat down on the tiled floor and let the hot, fresh tears pour. Crying was something I hadn't done in a long time. Something I didn't like to do often. But today I needed it. So today... I cried.

I heard the bathroom door squeak open and watched as his face appeared in the doorway.

"Can I join you?" Nick asked as he peeked in.

He took one look at me sitting there on the shower floor, tears streaming down my face and he asked no more questions. He entered the bathroom and quickly came to the tub, sliding his body down behind mine and pulling me back into his chest. He rubbed my shoulders gently and kissed the top of my head.

"You alright?" He finally spoke after a few moments of sitting there listening to me cry. I know he knew I wasn't alright... but Nick knew better than to ask the question "what's wrong?"

"I hate this Nick," I answered dropping my head and covering my face with my hands.

"Baby I know. I hate it too, but I'm here this time. I'll be here with you the whole time. This is it baby, no more after this round... you're done." He turned me to face him and looked into my eyes. I sighed and tried my best to smile.

"I love you." He told me that a thousand times a day at least... and it never got old.

I looked up at him and wiped my eyes with the back of my wrist. He was right, this was the last round of chemotherapy... but I was scared. I couldn't get it out of my mind how bad the last round had been and how awful I'd felt. I'd honestly thought I was going to die.

Then there was the fact that even though this was my last round of chemotherapy for right now, that didn't mean anything. They'd been running tests for days now, blood tests, cat scans, MRI's, and I knew that those were the tests that would decide my fate. Those were the tests that would say whether or not all of this had done anything to make this cancer go away. If not... well then... more chemo, more radiation... or worse.

I hated cancer, and more than anything in the world right now I just wanted my life back.

"I love you too," I told him as I crawled into his arms and cried some more.

I stared at the clock on the wall - 11:15.

The nurse had come in about an hour before and started my chemotherapy treatment. I had watched her hang the bag of medication on the IV pole and rolled my eyes at the fact that it had said "Caution: hazardous chemicals." It was strange to think how many poisons had been pumped into my body in the past seven months in an attempt to save my life. What wasn't funny was what those poisons did to me.

I looked out the window beside my chair, it was snowing outside. No more than a flurry though. Lexington never got anything more than a flurry. But it looked beautiful from where I sat. I breathed in deeply and tried to take my mind off the medication that was seeping its way through my veins. The emesis basin and can of 7-up on the table beside me made that a little bit difficult to do. I already felt queasy and I grabbed for the 7-up taking small sips to steady my stomach, knowing full well I'd be putting the basin to use before too long.

Nick had run down to the cafeteria for lunch knowing that I couldn't stand the sight or even the thought of food at the moment. He didn't want to leave me but I'd assured him I'd be okay for a little while. I was used to this part by now and I knew it couldn't be easy watching someone you love go through this.

It certainly wasn't easy being the one going through it.

I glanced around the room at all of the decorations on the walls. The room was usually pretty dull but today there were pictures of pumpkins and pilgrams and indians and turkeys scattered throughout. A sure sign that Thanksgiving was upon us. I hated the idea that for the first time in my life I'd be missing out on one of my favorite holidays. Usually we all gathered at my grandparents house and Brian and Leighanne came into town with Baylee. Kevin would be there with his family and I would see all of my cousins and aunts and uncles. This year however I knew I wouldn't be up for a big meal and family. I looked at the calender. Today was friday, my last treatment would be next wednesday and Thanksgiving was on thursday. I'd likely be in bed recovering from chemo while everyone else was eating turkey and dressing and my alltime favorite, dumplings.

Brian and Leighanne were spending the holiday with the Wallace's this year and Kevin and Kristin had decided to go visit her family, so at least I didn't feel like I would be missing out on too much. Nick said he was planning a little something, but mostly we'd resigned ourselves to the fact that we'd spend a quiet day together just resting, relaxing and watching the Macy's parade on tv.

I sighed and rubbed my stomach. It was protesting with each sip of soda I took. I hit the nurses button and waited for her to come so that I could go ahead and ask for my anti-nausea medication. I don't know why I bothered, it wouldn't work anyway. I pulled out my journal and pen and decided to make a new entry;

November 21st,

Today is the beginning of the end of my journey with cancer.

The doctors are running tests, checking to see if the chemos have made any difference. Either way I think this is the end. If it helped then I'll consider it a miracle and I'll do whatever I need to do to continue to get better. If it hasn't... well... I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm tired. I can't go through this again.

I closed the journal and tied it shut. I wasn't sure exactly what I'd just written down, but it felt like I was giving up. I really didn't want to do this anymore. I shut my eyes and leaned back against the chair. I decided that it was okay to write it down and get it out. I needed to get it out somehow. I knew in my heart that it wasn't what I really wanted, that I was just exhausted and in those moments I often felt I couldn't go on.

I knew in my heart that I wasn't really giving up.

I couldn't do that to him.

He sat down on the side of the tub and took deep breaths in and out trying his best to keep his own stomach from betraying him. He could feel the tears sliding down his cheeks as he leaned forward, his head in his hands and sobbed.

He found himself asking the same question he'd asked a million times since all of this had started... how had this become his life?

Yesterday had been her final chemotherapy treatment. It was supposed to be a day of celebration but instead she'd been too sick to even lift her head up off the pillow. He'd lost count of how many times she'd vomited out the car door on the way home and it had only gotten worse since they'd arrived. He'd spent hours last night rubbing her back as she knelt on the bathroom floor and told him she couldn't take it anymore. He didn't know what to do. No words he could say, no medicine he could give her, nothing he could do could take away what she was going through. He knew this was the last time she'd have to do this, at least for now but he'd had to admit he was scared that she wouldn't make it through.

She'd finally fallen asleep about an hour ago after vomiting for what felt like the hundreth time that night. She didn't even have anything left in her too throw up. She'd fallen back exhausted against the pillow and closed her eyes while he rubbed her feet and continously changed the cool cloth on her forehead. He knew he needed a shower and he needed something to eat but he hadn't dared leave her side until he was sure she was asleep for good.

He climbed into the shower and let the hot water wash over his aching body. He leaned up against the wall of the tub and prayed to God to get them through this. He only stayed in a few minutes, afraid that she would wake up and need him. He climbed out quickly and dried his hair with the towel before slipping into some jeans and a polo and stepping back out of the bathroom.

He smiled at the sight before him. She was still sound asleep, curled up on her side now and she finally looked peaceful. Kahlua had jumped up on the bed with her and staked out her spot right in the curve of her back where she'd slept everyday since she'd started treatments the week before. Nick couldn't help but be amazed by their dog. She'd followed Grace around since the day Nick brought her into their lives. She sat by her feet while she ate in the kitchen or watched tv in the living room and she had slept at the foot of their bed every night. That is, every night until this week when she'd swiftly moved in closer to Grace. Nick couldn't help but wonder if Kahlua sensed more than he knew.

Nick looked up at the clock on the wall, 7:30 am. They should be arriving in a short while. He walked over and tucked the blankets up around Grace once more, kissing her forehead gently and reaching across to give Kahlua a scratch behind the ears. "Good girl," He said as she licked his hand before curling back into a ball and closing her eyes.

He took in the sight of the two of them laying there one more time before flipping on the baby monitor on the dresser and walking out the door and down the stairs. He went to the kitchen and pulled some frozen waffles out of the freezer popping them into the toaster as he turned on the pot of coffee. He definitely needed it this morning. He'd probably gotten about two hours of sleep last night. He grabbed the syrup from the pantry and poured it over his waffles before sitting down at the kitchen table with the morning paper.

He awoke with a start at the sound of the doorbell ringing. He had fallen asleep at the kitchen table and now glanced up at the clock to realize that a couple of hours had passed by. He stretched and walked through the kitchen, the doorbell rang again and he quickened his pace hoping that they wouldn't wake up Grace.

"Hey bro!" Aaron said as he flung the door back and jumped into Nick's waiting arms.

Nick took him into his arms and held him tight. He'd always been closest to his little brother and he hadn't seen him in months. He pulled him back out in front of him and couldn't believe how much he'd grown. He hugged him again and ruffled his hair with his fingers.

"Damn dude... where'd that skinny, scrawny little kid I always knew go?"

Aaron laughed and punched him playfully in the side.

Nick dodged his punch and put him in a headlock tickling him under the arms until he begged him to stop.

"Happy Thanksgiving Nick."

Nick looked up from where he was tickling Aaron to see Angel standing in the doorway now carrying a suitcase and Aaron's duffel bag. She dropped them in the doorway and gave Aaron a nasty look. "Carry your own damn bag next time."

Nick released his little brother after giving him a playful punch in the ribs and took Angel into a hug. "Hey sis. I'm glad you guys are here."

He ushered the two of them into the living room out of the cold and fixed them each a mug of hot cocoa before sitting down on the couch between them.

"So," He said looking back and forth at the two of them, "what have you two been up to?"

They sat and talked for a little while, Aaron told Nick about his new album and his recording studio in Orlando and Angel talked about her modeling career out in LA. Nick sat and listened. He couldn't help but be impressed at how mature the two of them were. Yeah Aaron could act like a little kid at times, but it sounded like he finally had his head in the right place.

"Well," Nick sighed after they'd been chatting for a while. "It is Thanksgiving, so we should at least do something festive!" He reached over to the coffee table and flipped on the tv to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. He remembered watching this with his family every year as a child and he smiled as he watched Aaron and Angel talking back and forth about the character floats and the cheerleaders, the bands and even making fun of Al Roker. He'd actually gotten to be a part of the parade one year with the Backstreet Boys. It had been an experience he'd never forget.

It was Aaron who broke the silence that had settled in the room.

"Where's Grace?" He asked after a little while of watching the parade. "I thought she loved this thing."

"She's still sleeping. She's had a really rough time with her lastest chemothera..."

Nick's words were cut off by the harsh sounds of wretching coming through the baby monitor on the coffee table.

"Shit!" He cried as he leapt of the couch and ran up the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him. He flung the door of the bedroom open to find her lying in the bed gasping for air between each bout of dry heaves. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her with ease into the bathroom where he sat on the floor with her and held her tightly.

"It's okay baby," he whispered gently, rubbing her back as she wretched once more, finally able to vomit into the toilet, "I'm here Gracie, it's okay."

"Do you need anything?" Angel asked from the doorway trying to make herself useful.

"Yeah actually," Nick tried his best to steady his voice, in an attempt to remain calm for Grace, even though he was scared after what he'd just seen. He held Gracie against his chest and whispered across the room to his sister, "Tell Aaron to call 911... she's throwing up blood."

Angel ran from the bathroom and hollered down the stairs for Aaron to call for an ambulance. Nick could do nothing but sit there and hold her in his arms. He was terrified.

"Please don't die!" He found himself repeating in his head... "Please God, don't let her die!"

Nick helped her to the couch and covered her with a blanket before flipping on the television and handing her the remote control.

"It's a Wonderful Life should be on right now, I know that's your favorite movie." He smiled at her and smoothed his hand over her wrinkled forehead as she nodded in response. She still felt so hot and she looked so miserable. The doctors at the hospital had explained that Grace had sores lining her mouth, throat and stomach that were caused by the chemo and that likely, all of the vomiting had caused them to bleed. They'd given her a morphine mouthwash along with a hefty dose of morphine, that hopefully would help with some of the pain, but Nick could tell that she still felt like hell.

He went into the hall bathroom and ran a washcloth under some cool water returning to the living room and laying it carefully on her forehead. Aaron had taken a seat at the end of the couch with Kahlua and was gently removing her shoes. Nick winked at his little brother and ruffled his hair as he walked by into the kitchen.

"You're going to make some girl very happy someday," he said smiling down at him.

"I hope so."

Aaron stood up from the couch and followed Nick into the kitchen where they found Angel standing over the stove, her hair up in a ponytail wearing a cooking apron and scooping lasagna noodles from a pot of boiling water.

"Geez, it smells incredible in here Angel!" Nick said going over to the stove and peering down into another pot that was filled with a delicious looking sauce.

"It does!" Aaron stated agreeing with Nick.

"What're you making?"

"I thought I'd make lasagna," She replied as she gently pushed Nick out of the way, "Now you guys get out of the kitchen so I can cook."

The two of them beat a hasty retreat out of the kitchen and back into living room laughing at their sister's assertivness in the kitchen as they ran. Nick put his finger to his lips as his eyes came to rest on the figure the couch. She'd fallen asleep again, Kahlua nestled in her arms. Nick teared up at the sight. He couldn't help but notice the stark difference in his fiance. Instead of looking peaceful like she usually did when she was sleeping, she looked like she was in pain.

Nick sighed and motioned for Aaron to sit in his recliner across the room as he took a seat on the end of the couch next to Gracie. Kahlua perked up her ears and stood to stretch before coming over and curling up in his lap licking his fingers as she settled in.

"Thanks girl," He said rubbing her tummy, "I needed that."

He tossed the remote over to Aaron and told him to change the channel. He was not at all in the mood to watch a movie called It's a Wonderful Life, especially when at this exact moment life felt like anything but. Aaron flipped on The Office and the two of them sat there watching in silence, letting out an occasional chuckle over a Dwight one liner or a Jim joke, for a long while until Angel came out to let them know that dinner was ready.

"Do you want to eat out here?" She asked sticking her head back through the kitchen door.

Nick shook his head looking over to where Grace still slept beside him. "I doubt she could handle the smell of the food. We'd better just eat in the dining room."

Aaron nodded in agreement and rose to join Nick and Angel in the kitchen.

"I'll grab the lasagna out of the oven if you'll grab the bread and the drinks," Angel directed, looking over towards Nick who jumped into action pulling three sodas from the pantry and removing the loaf of garlic bread from the oven. Aaron grabbed the stack of plates and silverware and the three of them walked out to the dining room together.

The meal was the best Nick had tasted in a long while. He'd gotten used to eating microwave meals and hospital food, so to have something genuinely homemade felt good. He looked over at Angel and smiled, "This is delicious, where'd you learn to cook?"

"BJ actually," she responded refering to her older sister. "She taught me a few recipes while I was staying with her last summer."

"Well remind me to call her up and thank her!" Aaron said emphatically as he shoveled another forkful of the pasta into his mouth and gave her the 'thumbs up' sign.

It was getting late by the time they'd finished eating and Nick was exhausted. He hadn't gotten any sleep the night before and it was catching up with him now. He stood from the table and gathered the dishes following Angel back into the kitchen and dumping them all in the sink.

"Thank you for dinner sis," he smiled as he hugged her tightly. She hugged him back and he could sense by the way she relaxed in his arms that she too was exhausted.

"It was my pleasure. If you guys don't mind I think I'm going to go ahead and hit the sack." Nick nodded at her and she left the kitchen quietly giving Aaron a hug on the way out.

Nick walked over to the sink full of dishes and turned on the hot water. As he stood there rinsing the leftover sauce and noodles from the bowls and plates before him, the events of the day started sinking in. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks and he grabbed for the dishtowel hanging on the cabinet above his head and wiped them dry. He could sense Aaron standing behind him but he didn't turn around.

He didn't want his only brother to see him crying.

"Nick..." he heard Aaron's voice call out.

"Yeah man?" He responded, trying hard to choke back a sob as he felt Aaron's arm fall around his shoulder.

"Go get some sleep... I'll finish the dishes."

"Thank you," he said as he turned and gave Aaron a quick hug. "Happy Thanksgiving little dude."

"Happy Thanksgiving Nick."

He wiped his eyes again, this time with the back of his hand and walked out to the living room to find Grace sitting on the couch sipping water. She looked up at him and tried her best to smile. He hopped over the back of the couch and came to rest in the seat beside her. He took her in his arms and kissed her cheek gently.

"You really scared me today baby," he sniffled as the tears poured steadily down his cheeks now.

She looked at him and gently caressed his face with her fingertips. "I know sweetheart... I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Grace. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry you HAVE to go through this. Are you feeling any better? Want anything to eat or drink?"

She shook her head. He could tell she was still feeling pretty crappy. He pulled her close to him and leaned back into the couch with her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his chest, within minutes she was snoring softly. He sighed and reached down to cover her with the blanket. This had definitely not been the Thanksgiving he'd planned.

He watched her sleeping there in his arms and once again the days events came rushing back to him. He'd never been as scared as he was in the back of that ambulance. She was laying on the stretcher, he was holding her hand and she was lifeless. The paramedics had pumped her full of IV fluids worried that she was too dehydrated. All he could do was sit there and watch. There'd been many times throughout this experience when he'd worried that he would lose her.

This though... this was the first time he'd been sure of it.

I remembered most of that Wednesday, which had consisted of my very last chemotherapy treatment which had made me sicker than a dog before I'd even left the hospital. Which wasn't completely out of the ordinary, but it never boded well for the evening to come. Then I remembered Nick sitting up with me the rest of that evening and late into that night. But everything that happened after about midnight was a complete and total blur.

For me at least.

It was clear that for Nick, it was anything but. For him it had been a day that I had a feeling he now relived in his thoughts, and especially in his nightmares.

I would wake up in the night to the sound of him crying out into the darkness beside me, and I would reach out for him, just to let him know that I was still there. Just to let him know that everything was okay. Of course then he would wake up in a sweaty panic, disoriented and unable to tell me what his dreams had been about. He always said he couldn't remember... but I was sure he did remember. I just didn't think he wanted to relive the moments when he was awake too.

Aaron and Angel spent that entire week visiting and while it had done Nick a lot of good to have his baby brother and sister around to keep his mind off things, I felt absolutely horrible that not only had I ruined their Thanksgiving, but that they were having to spend most of their trip stuck in my house, while I was sick in bed.

It had been such a relief on Sunday when I was finally able to get up and move around. Angel and I spent that day sitting at the kitchen table with Kelly and Kristin, putting the finishing touches on the wedding plans we'd started working on just a month before. Nick, Aaron, Kevin and Joey tried to be supportive, even joining in at one point to offer their opinions on tuxedo colors and catering ideas before growing tired of the whole ordeal and retiring to the living room for a video game competition instead.

On the following Monday, after watching Nick and Aaron sit in the living room most of the day arguing over who'd really won or lost whatever game they'd been playing on the Playstation, I finally set my foot down and told Nick that he had to take Aaron and leave the house.

He'd tried to argue with me at first, but I'd easily won. It was a gorgeous day for the first of December and so I encouraged the the two of them to load up the trunk of the car with supplies and a picnic lunch and they'd taken off for a day of hiking at Natural Bridge. After that I called up Kelly and asked her if she would mind taking Angel out and showing her around the town. She happily agreed and within an hour I'd sent the two of them off on an all day shopping spree.

I sighed as their car vanished down the road. My blood counts were still too low to be out in public and though I hated not being able to go along with them, it was a relief to know that at least Angel wasn't stuck in the house anymore. I watched from the porch until I could no longer see the tail lights and then set out on my own journey - a walk through the neighborhood with Kahlua following happily at my heels.

I met up with Kate not long after I started walking and the two of us continued walking together as we talked for a long time.

I loved having Kate around. Not that I could ever be comforted by the fact that Kate had also suffered from cancer, because I'd never wish cancer on another soul... but because since she had been through her own journey, she had been a major source of support for me, anytime I was having a bad day or just needed someone to talk to. And so we walked and talked until we'd done all the walking and talking we could do.

Everyone had ended up having a lot of fun that day and they thanked me as they each returned home happy and exhausted, to find a homecooked meal of turkey and dressing waiting for them in the dining room. We might have missed out on having a real Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving day, but I wanted them to at least have one before I sent them home. We sat at the table that night for hours and laughed and talked and told funny family stories.

I felt good to be with family. And most importantly... I felt good.

They'd left Wednesday morning, a little less than a week after arriving and since then the house had felt empty. I missed having them around to talk to and I missed how happy they made Nick.

I stretched out on the lounge chair on the back deck, basking in the sunlight and sipping on an ice cold Ale-8. Kahlua curled at my feet, her face planted in the sunniest spot she could find.

Life didn't get much better than this.

Friday, December 5th and it was a balmy 65 degrees outside. I'd had to laugh when Nick had jolted me awake that morning as he'd hopped out of bed at 7 am because he'd flipped on the weather channel and seen the forecast. Of course I'd been quick to warn him about the bipolar tendancies of Lexington weather - you know the old quote "Don't like the weather... give it five minutes." - and to assure him that 65 could be 25 by the next morning.

He'd shrugged his shoulders as he jumped out of bed early, vowing to at least enjoy it while it lasted. He'd called our neighbor Sean while I curled back up under the covers and not an hour had gone by before a car was pulling into our driveway and the two of them were off to pick up Kevin and Joey for a day of golf.

I'd had to smile as I'd peered down from our bedroom window at the sight of Sean and Nick walking down the front walk together, Nick carrying his golf clubs and the two of them chatting back and forth happily with one another, like they were old friends, as they headed off for a day at the greens. It was refreshing seeing Nick so happy and it was great to know that there was someone so close by who he could connect with. Sean had certainly been through a lot of the same things that Nick was going through with me.

I leaned back against my chair and picked up my day planner, flipping it open to the calender. It was hard to believe there were less than four weeks until our wedding day. Almost everything had been planned; flights booked, flowers and caterin purchased, hotel rooms reserved, and guests invited - but I still felt like I had so much to do. And then there was the Christmas shopping. Christmas was less than three weeks away and I still needed to buy gifts for at least half of our family members.

I stood from my chair and stretched as I looked out over the lake, watching as a heron landed in the distance. Such a beautiful bird. I grew to love this place more everyday.

I went inside and grabbed my laptop and took it back out to the porch. I was just sitting back down to do some online Christmas shopping when I heard my cellphone ringing from the kitchen. I considered ignoring it for a few moments but then figured it might be Nick, or it might be important, so I jumped up and headed inside to retrieve it.

"Hello," I answered, hitting the send button without even checking my caller ID.

"May I speak to Kathryn Littrell please?" I heard the voice on the other line say. I thought she sounded familiar but I couldn't quite pinpoint who it was.

"This is she."

"Oh, Grace," the woman's voice came back now sounding a little less professional, "This is Dr. Antoinelli at UK."

"Hi," I said, feeling as my heart began to beat faster within my chest. I hadn't been expecting a call from them this soon.

"A few of your test results have come in..." She said pausing briefly after the last word.

"Yes..."

"Is there anyway you can make it into the office on Monday morning?"

I could feel my heart sinking in my chest as I inhaled a deep breath and tried to remain on my feet. Tried to steady my breathing enough to just get through the rest of conversation.

"Yes. What time?"

I knew it had to be bad. They never called me into the office unless it was bad news. Good news... they'd give patient the good news over the phone. But they'd only ever given me the bad news face to face.

"Can you be there at 9:00."

"Yes ma'am."

"We'll see you then."

I hung up the phone and laid my head down on the kitchen counter as my vision blurred and my stomach twisted. This could not be happening.

I'm not sure why I was surprised. I knew the chances... God, I knew the percentages... I knew the most likely outcome. But somehow in my deepest heart I'd kept believing in a miracle.

I somehow managed to regain my composure long enough to call Nick's cellphone and leave him a rushed message. I'd barely gotten the words out and hung up the phone before I burst into tears...

"Please come home soon..." I'd said choking back the sobs... "I really need you."

Nick was staring down at his hands in his lap, carefully picking at an invisible spot on his finger, and I pretended to be looking at something out the window as I frantically attempted to blink away the tears that were blurring my vision.

Dr. Antoinelli sat in silence herself for several more long moments waiting for one of us to speak. When neither of us said a word... when it was clear that neither of us had any idea of the words to say... she removed her glasses carefully and folded her hands in front of her on her desk.

"Grace," she broke the silence and I finally turned back towards her, still not daring to look her in the eyes, "this doesn't have to be the end. We can try other treatments, you could do more chemothera..."

"No!" I cut her off harshly, probably too harshly. I knew that when I saw Nick from the corner of my eye. He lifted his head to look over at me, a concerned and questioning glance on his face.

"Just. No."

I'd said it softer this time and he reached over and placed his hand on my knee giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You're sure you don't want to try anymore treatments? Grace I know that this doesn't look good, but these treatments may at least give you more time."

My stomach lurched at her words and I could feel the anger building within me. Anger... or sadness. They all felt the same anymore. I looked at her and frowned. I knew in my heart that she was just trying to do what was best for me, but I also hated her in that moment. I'd just been given what I considered to be the worst news I could ever hear and all she was offering me was 'more time?'

I didn't just want 'more time'... I wanted a cure. I wanted the time I was supposed to get. The time to finish my masters degree and get married and enjoy being married. I wanted the time to have a family... I wanted to grow OLD with the man sitting beside me!

"No." I repeated... because it was the only word I could manage to choke out.

The tears were streaming steadily down my face and I felt Nick scoot his chair closer to mine. He took my hand in his and rubbed my wrist with his thumb. I tried me best to breathe and calm down but I couldn't. I needed to get out of this office right away. I needed to get as far away from this hospital as I could. I needed to get as far away from this damned disease... but I had no idea how.

I stood from the chair slowly and Nick got to his feet beside me. I looked at my doctor and tried to think only of how amazing she'd been throughout my illness. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed as I looked from her eyes to Nick's, "I... I... I just can't do this anymore."

And with that I turned and ran quickly from the room.

"Gracie," he whispered, concern evident in his voice as he turned towards me as I placed the key in the ignition and started the car. When I didn't answer, he placed his hand on my arm. I jerked it away.

I couldn't look at him just then... I couldn't breathe. I needed to drive as far away from that place as I could and I needed to do it now. I backed out of my parking space and sped quickly around the curves of the floors in the garage, finally reaching the lowest level where I paid the attendent before pulling my car out the hospital and and onto the streets of campus.

Everything I saw for the next few miles reminded me of shattered dreams. My shattered dreams.

The countless college students walking back and forth to what should be their final classes of the semester, smiles plastered on some of their faces... others obviously deep in thought and worry over exams. I couldn't help but notice all the buildings that lined the street. Buildings where I should have been earning my master's degree so that I could have a career down the road.

Instead, I was looking straight down a road that lead to a dead end. Literally.

Everywhere I looked I saw happy couples walking down the sidewalks, students oblivious to the people dying in the building just a block down the road. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I wanted that carefree life back. I wanted to be one of those students again. I didn't want to go through this anymore.

I continued to drive in silence for miles. I headed the car in the direction of home but passed it up, Nick watching in confusion as our street whized by on the left. I shook my head when he opened his mouth to ask where we were going and he stopped himself quickly, resigned to the fact that this time I was in control. For just a minute of my life, I needed to be in control.

I drove on for nearly an hour until we were way out in the country before pulling off onto the shoulder of the road by a big open field. I opened my car door and climbed out, Nick obviously hesitant to follow at first as he rolled down his window and watched me.

I ran out to the middle of the open field and stood there, staring up into the sky, my arms stretched out at my sides.

"Why God?" I whispered... "why?"

And then I screamed. I screamed as loud and as long as I possibly could.

Nick, who'd at some point gotten out of the car, stood a few feet back and just watched me. I know it must have been scary for him. I once read that the only thing that can even compare to the pain of dying from cancer, is the pain of watching a person you love die from it... I couldn't imagine. But I had to get it out.

And then, after a few moments of screaming my head off, I sat down on the grass in the middle of that wide open area and I bawled my eyes out.

Nick came up to where I was sitting and knelt down beside me. He took me in his arms and this time I let him. I continued to cry for what felt like forever. He cried with me. I was crying out of anger, grief and sadness. I was crying over lost dreams, and memories I wouldn't get to make. I cried for that family I'd have to leave behind and the family I'd never get to create. I cried for the love of my life who was sitting beside me through all of this... and who would no doubt have to go through so much more.

After laying there in Nicks arms for a while longer I stood up and walked back to the car. He followed me again in silence. I was thankful that he was letting me lead the way. I needed to do this all on my own time... in my own way. And I knew that it would have to be a gradual process.

I handed Nick the keys and climbed into the passenger side of the car. I told him to drive us home and he did. When we arrived home an hour later we continued to sit in the car, there in the driveway, for another 45 minutes. I didn't want to move. I didn't think I had the energy to get out of the car and walk to the door. Nick hadn't said a word the whole way home... he just held my hand in his and drove.

"Nick," I finally broke the eerie silence that had settled over us since we'd left the field nearly two hours before.

"Yeah baby?" He turned towards me and tightened his grip on my hands. I could tell he was scared... so was I.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my thoughts... trying my best not to break down again. "I don't want to die."

"Oh God baby..." He took me in his arms and hugged me tightly. "I know."

I pushed him gently away and looked into his eyes. I could feel my heart breaking for him... for me... for us. I sat back in my seat and leaned my head against the cool leather of the headrest. I closed my eyes as the tears slipped down my cheeks.

"I just can't do this anymore Nick... I just can't."

He reached over and grabbed my hand again and I could feel him kiss my lips.

"It's okay baby. You can do this however you want to do it."

I nodded my head and sighed trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to turn into sobs once more. I heard him open the car door and come around to my side of the car. He opened my door gently and I felt his strong arms around me. He lifted me carefully and carried me inside and upstairs to our bed.

He laid me down on our soft satin sheets, gently slipping off my shoes and my coat. He pulled the covers up around me before climbing in beside me.

"Let's just lay here then," he whispered as he wrapped my body in his, rubbing my arms with his hands.

"I don't know what to do..." I whimpered... "I just wish I had the answers..."

He pulled me closer still, kissing my neck and cuddling up beside me.

"How about this babe. You don't have to think about anthing right now except this... it's just you and me, here together."

I smiled and snuggled myself into his arms.

I repeated his words back to him... "I don't have to think about anything right now... it's just you and me, here together."

He looked down at me and smiled, "exactly."

I walked up beside him and took it in my hands.

"Turn around," I said as I turned him to face me and wrapped the tie carefully around his neck, "I'll tie this for you."

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" He asked me for at least the 8th time in the last hour.

I was positive.

"I'm sure Nick."

"I can stay here with you if you want me to."

"No, you go with them. Fill in for me this year... please."

He nodded, standing patiently as I finished tying the tie and then stood back to take in the full view.

"You look very sexy," I said, winking at him and smiling. He grinned back and danced goofily over to me taking me in his arms and kissing me long and hard.

"You look sexy too babe."

I had to laugh before smacking him softly on the back of his head. I was still in my pajamas.

"No... really you do. I mean, I probably have five minutes before we need to leave if you wanna, you know..." And with those words he hopped on the bed and hummed the first few notes of Barry White's Let's Get it On.

I rolled my eyes at him as I walked over and grabbed my black dress from my closet. I carried it into the bathroom and hung it on the towel rack.

"So... you're going?" Nick asked watching as I came back out of the bathroom.

"What? Oh... no. I'll be meeting you guys at mom and dad's house after the service."

He sighed and hopped up off the bed coming over to where I stood and taking me in his arms, nibbling my neck as he ran his hands over my soft fuzzy head, "I love you sexy."

I rolled my eyes at him again and pushed him playfully away. "I love you too... horny."

He laughed and opened the bedroom door just as Baylee came bounding down the hall into in the room followed in quick pursuit by Kahlua, who could be heard from a mile away with the bell he had tied around her neck. Nick caught Baylee in his arms and threw him up in the air as Kahlua barked loudly at his feet and jumped up onto Nick's legs.

"Good grief!" Nick said pushing Kahlua down and setting Baylee upright on the floor, "that dog's gotten as big as you kiddo."

Baylee laughed and gave Kahlua a gentle pat on the head.

"Hey uncle Nick," he said a very serious expression crossing his face.

"Yeah little man?"

"Aunt Gracie's not coming to church?"

Nick glanced over at me and I shook my head as I walked over to where Baylee stood and picked him up. He gave me one of his best Baylee Bear hugs all the while staring at Nick as if he was the only one who could provide the proper answer to his question.

"No little man, she's not. She's going to stay home and get things ready for Christmas tomorrow... but I'll tell ya what. I'll go with you."

Baylee's eyes lit up at the idea and he high fived Nick as he took off back out of the room. He'd only been gone a split second before he suddenly reappeard, out of breath and giggling.

"Oh yeah," he said as if he'd forgotten something very important, "Daddy said it's time to go."

Nick laughed and gave me a quick kiss, "I'll see you in a couple of hours."

I hugged him and walked out to the landing to watch them leave. Brian and Leighanne were standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting to go and they waved up at me.

"See you at mom's," Brian yelled up as he scooped Baylee into his arms and followed Leighanne out the door.

"You'll be okay?" Nick questioned one last time, looking up at me with concern in his eyes.

"I'll be fine."

He smiled as he waved and headed out the door with the others.

It was Christmas Eve and they were headed off to the annual Children's service at the church. I had thought about going for days, hating the fact that I would miss seeing Baylee in the pagent and Brian singing with the chorus... but I just couldn't find it in me to go.

It had only been a few weeks since the doctor had told me the cancer was still there... that it hadn't changed... that maybe even, it'd gotten a little worse. I was still working my way through the stages of grief. I'd gotten past denial and now I was working very hard at getting past the anger. I knew in my heart that I needed to be angry for a while, that the anger was a good thing, but that I couldn't take it out on my family. I knew that I needed to hold this cancer against someone and after thinking carefully on it I had decided that if anyone was strong enough take the anger... it was God. And so I'd decided to be angry with God, and going to church so angry would have been hypocritical it seemed, to me.

I'd spent the past two weeks trying my best to take my mind off of that visit to my doctor's office. I wasn't doing the best job of it. Nick and I had spent several evenings discussing all of my possible options and together we'd come to the agreement that I wouldn't do chemotherapy again. If radiation treatments were an option I may consider it, but chemo was out. I just couldn't even stand the thought.

Other than those few talks we hadn't discussed my cancer at all. I had done a lot of last minute Christmas shopping now that my blood counts were high enough and Nick and I spent a lot of time decorating the house. To be honest, I hadn't even wanted to do that at first. I hadn't really been in the mood to celebrate the holidays at all, but then I'd remembered that Brian and Leighanne were going to be staying with us for Christmas with Baylee and I knew that I had to make this Christmas special for him... especially if it was to be my last Christmas with him.

We'd bought a couple of trees for around the house and a bunch of new ornaments and my mom and dad had given me some of my childhood ones. Nick had hung lights on the outside of the house and we'd bought one of those goofy blow up snoglobes for the back deck. We'd listened to Christmas music and I'd made dozens of Christmas cookies. I had actually enjoyed myself. I allowed myself a few moments of every day to grieve and feel sorry and to be angry and then I made a promise to myself that I would move on.

Our wedding was less than a week away and that was what was really keeping me going. We'd spend Christmas here with my family and then all of us would fly out on December 29th for California. We would spend the night in LA with Howie and Leigh and then fly out to Hawaii on the 30th. Our wedding was planned for New Year's Day.

There were so many times in the past few months that I didn't know if I'd make it this far. I looked at the calender now and couldn't believe that it was all happening so fast. I smiled as I touched my engagement ring on my finger. I couldn't wait to make it official.

I wrapped a few last minute presents and then jumped in the shower. I was dressed and headed out the door to my parent's house by the time they should have been leaving church. I was actually excited now. I was excited to be spending Christmas with my family. Excited that no matter how sick I was at least for the moment I was feeling good.

Did you ever get that feeling? The one when you wake up and you haven't opened your eyes yet but you feel like someone is staring at you? That's how I woke up that morning. I didn't open my eyes... I didn't want to. I was exhausted and I probably could have stayed in bed all day. I laid there for a little bit longer hoping whoever it was would go away, but he didn't.

"Auntie Grace" I heard him saying from the side of my bed, "Are you awake?"

"Nope," I said still keeping my eyes closed.

I felt him climb up onto the bed beside me and the next thing I knew one of my eyelids had been pried open.

"I see you in there." He said laughing, "Wake up."

I squinted my eyes open and looked over at the clock on the table... 6:50 am.

I opened them the rest of the way and sat up in bed yawning and stretching my arms way up over my head. I glanced over to where Nick should have been sleeping and noticed that he was already up. I looked over at Baylee who was laying beside me, his hands propped under his chin and sighed.

"So..." I said looking down at his innocent face, "where'd you come from?"

"Georgia?" He replied, but it was more like a question than an answer and of course that wasn't what I'd meant.

"No silly, I mean do mommy and daddy know you're awake?"

"Yep. Daddy and Uncle Nick told me to come up here and wake you up!"

"Ah ha!" Those two were bigger children than the actual children.

"Guess what Aunt Grace?" He yelled as he ran towards the door and spun back around to look at me, his face glowing in the sunlight that bounced in the window.

"Yes Tater?"

"Santa came last night!"

"Oh he did?"

"Yes he did!" His excitement made me smile. "He brought me a scooter!"

"Sweet!" I said trying to match his enthusiasm. "You can show me how to ride it later."

"No silly, it's for little kids." He rolled his eyes at me as he bounced up and down with excitement.

"I see," I said sounding a bit dejected. "Okay well run downstairs and tell daddy and uncle Nick that I'll be down in a minute."

And with that he ran out of the room.

"Ugh. You're pale, you look like crap and you're dying from cancer." I said it out loud to my reflection. I'd said it everyday for the past several weeks.

I let the words echo in my head for a few moments as I washed my face in the sink and brushed my teeth.

"But..." I went on closing my eyes and trying my best to think positively, "It's Christmas day, you are surrounded by family and friends and you're marrying the man of your dreams in just 6 days."

I opened my eyes and looked into the mirror again... this time I smiled.

This had become my morning ritual. I gave myself a moment each morning to get out all of my negative thoughts, those things that were bothering me most. I was allowed to list as many negative things as I wanted but I'd made the rule that for each negative I came up with I had to find a positive. It had become more difficult lately to think of enough positives to match the negatives, but there were definitely still positives there. I knew in my heart if I ever lost sight of the positives... well I might as well go ahead and give up.

I threw on some clothes and went out to the landing. I looked down the stairs and into the living room where Nick and Brian were wrestling with Baylee. I laughed as Nick lifted him up over his head and pretended to body slam him onto the couch. Brian came up from behind and tackled Nick and Baylee fell off the couching because he was laughing so hard. I stood there for a few more moments taking it all in, enjoying these moments and making them last before I headed down to join them.

"Good morning," I said cheerily as I walked over to the stereo and flipped on some Christmas music.

Nick hopped up off the couch and came over to where I stood. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck.

"Good morning babe."

We spent the next hour watching Baylee unwrap his gifts and then the next several hours after that putting them together and playing with them ourselves while he snored softly on the couch. It had been such a wonderful experience getting to view Christmas through a child's eyes. I'd all but forgotten what it really felt like to be a child on Christmas morning until I watched him ooh and awe over each small gift.

We'd gathered in the kitchen for lunch and were all sitting around enjoying quiet conversation when Nick disappeared into his office. He came out a few minutes later carrying a sloppily wrapped envelope that had a red bow stuck to the top. He handed it to me and smiled.

"Sorry about the shitty wrap job." He said as he sat down beside me and motioned for me to go ahead and open it.

I laughed, "it's okay... but I thought we'd finished with gifts." We'd promised not to go overboard with our gifts that year. We'd done a lot of work on the house and we're spending a good deal on our wedding.

"It's just a little something extra," He said as if it were nothing at all, "go on... open it."

I gently unwrapped the envelope and then slid the seal open pulling out the card. I opened it up and inside were two first class tickets to Australia. I held them up and looked over at him questioningly. I'd always wanted to go to Australia, but hadn't ever expressed that desire.

I'd stared at them for a few moments when I felt him take my hand. I turned and looked at him and he smiled.

"I want you and I to go to Australia for our honeymoon. We're going to stay in the same room, in the same hotel that I stayed at while I was in Perth."

"Aww... thank you Nick." I said leaning over and kissing him.

"It's nothing really... I just want us to see the sunrise there together."

I couldn't help but smile as a teardrop rolled down my cheek.

He often wondered whether their child would have been a boy or a girl, he wondered what he or she would have looked like and what it would have been like to have a new baby in the house. He had tried his best not to think about it but it had proven a difficult task. Now he had so much more on his mind and these were good things. He and Grace were getting married in two days.

They had flown out of Louisville the day before and arrived in California late that night. They'd enjoyed a pleasant evening with Howie and Leigh and had gone to bed early so that they would be ready for their flight today. Howie, AJ, and Leigh were flying out with them to Hawaii that day, Kelly and Joey were already there getting things together and the rest of the family; Brian, Leighanne and Baylee, Kevin, Kristin and Mason, Harold, her parents, his parents, Aaron, Angel, BJ and Leslie were all meeting them there that night and the next day.

Nick stared out the window again. It was hard not to think about the last time they'd been in this airport. Grace had been so sick and they were preparing to fly back to Kentucky with her. They hadn't known it at the time but their lives were about to be drastically changed. He looked over at Grace who was standing next to him staring out the same window and wondered if she was thinking about the same thing. He squeezed her hand gently and she squeezed his back. She turned and winked at him and he leaned over to kiss her cheek.

At that moment AJ, who had just arrived at the airport, walked up and hugged Nick from behind. Nick turned around quickly, shaken from his thoughts and hugged him back.

"Hey Aje!"

"Hey dude, dudette!" AJ said excitedly, "You two ready for your big day?"

Nick smiled and nodded anxiously a goofy grin planted firmly on his face. Grace gave him the thumbs up and announced rather dramatically, "I've BEEN ready!"

Just then the attendant came over the loudspeaker and announced that it was time for them to board their flight. Nick took Grace's hand in his and together they walked off in the direction of the plane. AJ turned towards where Howie and Leigh stood a few feet away and smiled as he watched them walk hand in hand towards their destination.

"Damn those two sure are meant for each other."

Leigh and Howie nodded and smiled.

"They definitely are." Leigh agreed.

"Thank God!" I said kissing Kristin on the cheek before grabbing the box of donuts and hurrying over to the table with it, "I am absolutely starving!"

The two of them, along with Kelly who'd been with me at the time laughed as they watched me open the box and scarf down the donut. I was sitting there at the table in my panty hose and one of Nick's button down dress shirts, my newly grown tufts of hair had been patted down, my veil placed perfectly on my head, and I'd been craving a donut for the past, oh I don't know, it felt like 5 years. I looked up at the three of them watching me eat and stuck my toungue out at them.

"Quit gawking at me and eat a donut already." I said as I shoved the box across the table.

Leighanne sat down and helped herself, passing my can of Coke across the table while Kristin followed Kelly into the bedroom to help her with her dress and makeup. She was to be my maid of honor. Kelly Elizabeth Jacobson Hall had been my best friend for the past 20 years. We'd grown up in the same neighborhood, gone to the same grade school, graduated from the same high school and majored in the same thing in college. I had been devastated when she'd moved to Tennessee to go to school, but then she'd graduated, moved back home with her fiance and started on her Master's degree along with me at UK. I'd been the maid of honor in her wedding and it felt good to know that now she was going to be there standing beside me in mine. We'd spent so much of our lives together that no one else could have filled her shoes.

"Where's Leigh?" I asked Leighanne looking around and realizing she hadn't returned with the two of them.

"She went next door to make sure that the guys were doing okay... and to take Howie and Brian some tylenol." She rolled her eyes when she mentioned the tylenol. The night before had been New Year's Eve and though we'd all planned to spend it quietly in our beach houses together we'd had a sudden change in plans, leaving Mason and Baylee with my mom and dad while we'd gone out to a huge party. Nick had behaved and of course AJ didn't drink, but Brian and Howie were a little under the weather this morning from their adventures at the bottom of the bottle. We had all had a wonderful time though and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. Nick and I had spent the night dancing and singing and partying like we hadn't since... well since back before I'd gotten sick. I felt young again and alive. We'd watched the ball drop on the huge screen in the bar and we'd spent our very first New Year's Eve together, kissing at midnight as it should have been. It hadn't lasted past midnight though as Kelly and Leighanne had rushed over and quickly escorted me from the bar. It seems there's a rule that the bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other on their wedding day. They'd brought me back to the beach house and we'd all gone to bed.

The butterflies were starting to settle in my stomach now as I looked up at the clock on the wall. It was 1:00 in the afternoon... only one hour to go. I stood in my bedroom at the house and looked in the mirror. From the neck up I looked beautiful... the makeup had done wonders. From there down I still looked like a person suffering from cancer. My skin was pale and had taken on a gray sort of color and I had bruises on my side from my last round of testing and blood transfusions. I couldn't wait to slip into my wedding dress and cover it all up. I wanted to look beautiful for Nick... but I wanted to look beautiful for me too.

I called down to Leighanne to let her know I was ready and she came up into the room. She opened the closet door and pulled out my dress.

"Wow!" She said as she held it up for me to step into, "This is really beautiful Grace."

I hadn't shown anyone my dress yet... it had been the one thing I'd shopped for and bought alone. It was the one thing about the wedding I hadn't shared with anyone. I'd spent hours on my laptop when I'd been sick and Nick was on tour searching for the perfect dress and when I'd finally found it after weeks of googling it just felt right. I had found other dresses and I kept going back and looking at those unsure if they were the right one, but this one... I looked at it once and I knew it was perfect.

Leighanne finished zipping the back and I looked at myself in the mirror again. She stood there behind me smiling.

"You look absolutely amazing." I could see the tears forming in her eyes and I looked quickly away. I didn't need to cry right now.

"Thank you." I said as I turned around and hugged her.

She carried the train of my dress and followed me as we walked down the stairs together. Kristin, Kelly and now Leigh were all standing there at the bottom.

"Oh my goodness..." I heard Leigh say as she held her hand up to her mouth, "absolutely stunning."

"I don't think I've ever seen you look more beautiful." Kelly whispered in my ear as she gave me a quick hug.

Kristin didn't say a word, she just wiped her eyes with a tissue and smiled.

"Are you ready to do this?" Leighanne asked as she stole a glance at the clock on the wall.

"I have never been more ready for anything in my entire life."

He stared out at the ocean and watched the waves roll up carelessly onto the shore. He remembered the last time he'd done this... when he'd run away to the beach with AJ. He'd been stupid then... foolish. He hadn't believed in himself. Now he knew in his heart that no matter what happened he could stand there beside her through anything.

He felt the tears fill up his eyes as he thought about the future and what it held for them. He had always thought that marriage meant family and children and growing old together. Now he knew that at least for him and Grace love was about today and right now. Grace always said, "Tomorrow won't matter if you don't make today count." Try though he may to live by that rule, he was still terrified of what tomorrow might bring.

He heard the door behind him open and glanced up to see Brian now standing there behind him tying his tie. He stood there for a moment until he'd gotten it as perfect as he could and then walked over and placed his hands on Nick's shoulders.

"How you doing bro?"

Nick was nervous and scared, happy and excited all at the same time. He wished he could tell Brian how much it meant to him that he was there and would be standing in the spot of his best man. Brian had been the greatest friend he'd ever known since the early days of the Backstreet Boys when they were so young. He'd been the one who Nick could always talk to no matter what. He'd heard Grace say it before and he wholeheartedly agreed that almost everything good he had in his life came from the fact that Brian was his best friend. If it hadn't been for Brian he wouldn't be standing here today getting married to his soulmate.

"I'm nervous," he said looking over at Brian and feeling the butterflies fill up his stomach, "but I'm excited too!"

Brian held out his hand and pulled him up off of the chair as the rest of the guys came out and gathered on the porch. Kevin, AJ, Howie, Aaron, and Joey all surrounded him.

"Mind if I say a prayer?" Brian asked placing his hand on the back of Nick's neck.

"Please do."

When the prayer had ended and Nick had hugged each of the guys in turn Kevin looked down at his wristwatch and whistled loudly getting everyone's attention.

"You guys ready?" He asked as they all lined up and prepared to walk out to the beach.

"More ready than you could possibly imagine!" Nick hollered as he took off up down the steps of the deck and headed towards his destination.

He looked to his left and smiled at the sight of his groomsmen standing there all in a line. All of his best friends and his little brother standing there beside him supporting him at the greatest moment of his life.

The music started to play and he watched as the brides maids came over the dunes one at a time and walked down the beach to join them. A few moments had passed and they were all gathered together now. It was silent and the wedding guests had all stood. The music began playing once again and she appeared.

The sight of her there, standing in the sunlight, her veil long and flowing, her dress shimmering, looking as beautiful as he had ever seen her look before took his breath away. He felt Brian beside him reach out and steady him on his feet as he whispered in his ear, "she looks beautiful huh?" He nodded and watched as she walked arm and arm down the beach with her father.

Nick hardly paid attention to anything the priest said in the following minutes. He was too busy staring into her eyes, taking in the moments and being amazed by her. It wasn't until he heard him ask them to read their vows that he realized where they even were and what they were doing.

Nick's hands shook as he pulled the slip of paper from his pocket and gently unfolded it. He took one of her hands in his and read aloud, his voice shaking;

There are no words that could possibly express what it means to me to be standing here with you today. From the moment I laid eyes on you that summer on our tour I knew that you were someone very special. I will never forget the times we shared together in those first years. The first kiss, backstage at our concert in Ontario... our first real date to play minature golf with Brian and Leigh... the first time you showed me around Kentucky...

Those memories are a part of me now and they will be a part of me for the rest of my life.

You have amazed me and continue to amaze me on a daily basis with your strength and your courage, your love and your passion for life. You have changed me from the man I used to be into the man I am today and am I so much better because of everything I've learned from you.

I loved you then... I love you now... I will love you forever.

He folded the paper carefully back up and slid it back into his pocket. She took his hankerchief and gently wiped his eyes. He smiled at her and whispered, "I love you."

She smiled back and turned towards Kelly who handed her her own sheet of paper. She stared down at it for a few moments trying to collect her thoughts and trying very hard not to cry. She took in a deep breath before she spoke;

I wasn't the kind of person who believed in fate, or love at first sight, or that you could meet your soul mate and know in a matter of minutes that he was the person you were destined to spend the rest of your life with.

You changed that for me.

You've made me believe in things I'd never dreamed of and dream of things I'd never imagined. You've given me strength and courage, love and true happiness. You've shown me things I never knew about myself. Most of all... you've given me a reason to live.

You've been there for me through all of the good times and you've been there for me through all of the bad times. You've stood by me when I didn't think I could face another day... and you made me believe.

I know there is no other person in this world who could be for me what you have been for me.

I love you more than you will ever know and I want to spend the rest of my life... no matter how long or short it may be... with you.

She finished reading and the two of them stood there for a few moments staring into one another's eyes. No one moved, no one spoke. They could hear the sounds of their guests gently sniffing behind them as Nick wiped her tears with that back of his hand.

"Do you Nickolas Gene Carter take Kathryn Grace Littrell as your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward,for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?"

He looked into her eyes and smiled, "I do."

"Do you Kathryn Grace Litrell take Nikolas Gene Carter as your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?"

She sighed and wiped her eyes again, "I do."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride."

And with that the two of them kissed there in the sunlight in the exact same spot where Nick had proposed to her nine months earlier. Their family members clapped wildly and wiped their eyes when the priest finally announced, "May I now introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Nick Carter!"

Nick and I had spent the first two days just laying in bed with one another, doing all of the things that newly married couples do. On the third day we'd finally decided that it would be best to get out and explore the city and it had been well worth it.

I heard Nick open the door behind me and turned just in time to see him step out onto the balcony, a bottle of champagne in one hand and two glasses in the other. He set the glasses down on the table and popped the top off the champagne. He poured both glasses full and handed one to me.

"To us." He said raising his glass to mine as we brought them together for a toast.

"To the rest of our lives together."

I took a sip of my champagne and set my glass back on the table turning towards Nick and wrapping my arms around him in a hug. I could hear Rascal Flatts playing on the CD player in the hotel room so I slipped away to turn up the volume before coming back out on the balcony, leaving the door wide open so that we could hear the music. Nick smiled as he watched me lift my glass of champagne again and take another sip.

May I have this dance?" He asked as he held his hands out for me to join him.

I moved over into his arms and we slow danced together there on the balcony.

When the song had ended we stood there in each others arms and watched as the sun set out over the city. Our last night in Perth.

The first night of the rest of our lives.

If I'd learned anything in the last two weeks it was that my life had definitely been worth living. No matter what I'd been through, no matter how difficult my experience with cancer had been... it was all worth it. It was worth it if for no other reason that getting to live these moments.

Now... standing here in the moonlight with the man of my dreams, my partner in life, my husband... I knew this.

There was something else that I was sure of now... I was sure that I had experienced everything in life that I really needed.

I knew that tomorrow we'd be going home, back to our lives and back to the reality that I had known I would eventually have to face. We'd planned to spend the spring and summer together in Kentucky. The boys had agreed to put their new album on hold so that Nick could take time off to be with me. Nick and I had talked more in the past few days and we'd decided together that I would not go through with any more chemotherapy treatments. It wasn't that I wanted to give up... it was that I didn't want to live the rest of my life, whatever time I had left, going through hell. I'd experienced so much in the past nine months and I'd learned so much from the experiences. In my mind I knew that no matter what fate had planned for me, after all of this... I could at the very least die happy.

I felt deep down that I had come to terms with my life and even lately I had come to terms with the reality that it would probably be ending very soon. The biggest fear I had was leaving this life behind with regrets and at that very moment, standing there on the balcony with my husband, looking out over an amazing city as the sun disappeared behind the skyline, I couldn't think of a single one.

34-year-old Nick stood before the gravestone at the Lexington Cemetary and traced the lyrics of her favorite Tim McGraw song with his fingertips. He blinked away the tears that were filling his eyes as he stood back and read her name on the grave... "Gracie." He felt a hand upon his shoulder and turned quickly to see his brother-in-law Brian standing by his side.

"You alright man?" Brain asked draping an arm over Nick's shoulder as he wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, it's just..." He motioned towards the gravestone and Brian nodded... "I understand."

"Where is everyone?" Nick asked wiping his eyes with his sleeve and trying to change the subject. Looking around he'd realized that the rest of the Littrells and the Richardsons had vanished from sight.

"They're over at the pond with the kids feeding the ducks. You ready to head over there?"

"Yeah, I'll be over in a minute... I just need a few moments alone."

"Of course bro, take all the time you need." Brian put his arms around Nick and the two hugged for a moment before Brian turned and walked off towards the pond.

Nick sat down on the bench across from the gravestone and glanced around the cemetary taking in it's beauty. He now understood why the Littrell family spent every memorial day here. It was an amazing place. There were flower gardens and towering trees covering most of the grounds and several ponds where you could come to feed the ducks. A person could get lost wandering around all day long just reading the gravestones. So much history was held here in this one cemetary. So many lives beneath the ground... families, friends, mothers, fathers, children, wives... so many stories.

The first time he'd visited with Grace the two of them had been coming to buy a joint plot, making the plans that she felt deep in her heart were necessary. It hadn't felt so wonderful then. He'd never dreamed he could spend so much time here. A cemetary had never been high on his list of places to go and spend a day, but he could sit here all day long and watch the ducks or just enjoy the peaceful serenity or sit in this spot right here. He was glad they'd gone ahead and choosen this place to be buried together.

He glanced over and read the gravestone again. He had no idea how he'd managed to make it this far, but he had. He looked up at the sky and said a silent prayer to God, thanking him for everything he'd done for him, for everything he'd gotten him through. He knew how different his life could be... he knew it more than ever just sitting here staring at her name on the gravestone before him.

He stood up and sighed before turning and walking down towards the pond. He could hear the boys playing before he even reached the top of the hill and he stopped a little ways back to watch them. Mason, now 6 years old, was running away from an overzealous duck and his uncle Brian quickly ran over to scoop him up out of harms way as Kevin and Kristin watched laughing from a distance. 11-year-old Baylee was throwing bread out into the pond and rolling his eyes at the others for making fools of themselves. Leighanne sat on a bench not too far from where Baylee was standing. She was holding Kevin and Kristin's sleeping two-year-old daughter, Emily Grace, and chatting with a very beautiful young woman. Nick smiled at the sight of the woman. She was laughing at something Leighanne had said, her cheeks were rosy in the sunlight and her long blonde hair blew out from behind her in the breeze as she cuddled a small baby close to her chest.

He walked down slowly to join the group and caught Mason in his arms as he once again ran screaming from the duck.

"You know dude, that duck's not gonna leave you alone until you stop running." He said with a sigh tossing him up into the air as he squealed with delight.

Mason giggled and squirmed and finally jumped down out of Nick's arms taking off in another direction, leaving Nick standing there laughing.

Kevin and Brian walked over to join him.

"You alright man?" Kevin asked, a concerned look on his face.

"Yeah," Nick said looking over towards where the women were all sitting together and sighing peacefully... "Actually, I'm perfect."

He left the guys standing there smiling at him and walked over to where the girls were gathered on the bench talking. He leaned down and kissed the young blonde gently on the lips. She smiled up at him as he scooped the baby out of her arms and cradled her against his chest. He walked back over to where the guys were standing and held her up for them to see.

"Is she not the most beautiful baby in the world?" He asked kissing her hand and then her cheek as she smiled a toothless grin at them.

"She's beautiful Nick. But as her uncle I may be a bit biased." Brian laughed making kissy faces at the little girl as she giggled.

"I just can't believe she's finally here." Nick said as he held her close and she buried her face in his neck.

"She's a lucky baby." Kevin responded.

Nick smiled. "I think I'm the lucky one."

"Nick, honey," He heard a voice call out from behind him and turned to answer.

"Yeah babe?"

"We should probably get Mia home now... she should be ready for a bottle soon."

Nick nodded his head and carried the baby back over to where she stood waiting for him. They hugged everyone and said goodbye as Nick buckled his baby girl into her carseat. He took one last glance around the cemetary before climbing into the driver's seat. He had known when he'd married Grace that he'd be coming to this cemetary every memorial day for years to come... But he'd honestly thought that he would be here for a completely different reason.

That gravestone with her name and her favorite song permanently etched on it was a glimpse of what his life could have been. Whoever that "Gracie" was... she was Nick's constant reminder of just how lucky he was.

He looked back into the back seat at his daughter sleeping peacefully in her carseat. Life couldn't be more perfect. All of his dreams had come true. They'd been home from China with her for 6 weeks now... she was their own.

He looked over at his wife sitting in the passenger seat next to him and took her hand in his. The past 6 years of his life had been a mixture of sadness and triumph, of good times and bad... but mostly of miracles. For two straight years the doctors had told them that Grace's chances of survival were grim. Things were touch and go for many months after their wedding, and at one point they'd even planned her funeral together. That's when they'd come to the cemetary and bought their plots.

And then, 3 years ago, on a sunny day in April, almost exactly three years to the date of her diagnosis they had recieved the best news that anyone could possibly imagine. Her cancer was gone. No one could explain how it had happened, and no one dared try. She was in remission and that was all that mattered. The cancer had disappeared from her body leaving behind only it's memories.

Those memories and a stronger, far more humble Nickolas Gene and Katheryn Grace Carter.

Nick squeezed her hand as they pulled out of the cemetary parking lot and headed towards home... If life had taught him anything it was that he should appreciate everyday as if it were the last. Or as Grace had always said, "Tomorrow won't matter if you don't make today count."

"I love you Gracie." He whispered leaning over and gently kissing her on the cheek.

She looked over at him and smiled... "I love you too."