It’s the Simple Things

I sat on a bench across from a playground and sighed. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go back to the old life I had. No matter how much time you take off after someone close to you dies, it feels like it’s never enough. How do I live in a world without my father? A man I have looked up to for so long. He’s always played such an important part in my development and my character. Without him around anymore, who will be my inner voice? The person who whispers what’s right from wrong in my ear?

I almost called an emergency meeting to let the guys know I wasn’t ready yet. Maybe we could postpone the Canadian leg of the tour. I’m sure our fans up North would understand and the guys would too. They have said numerous times, that I could take as much time as I needed. No more rushing to get things done. Our families and lives are too important for that. So, I sat with my phone in hand for almost two whole hours today, ready to ask for that extra time.

I decided against it. It wasn’t fair to our fans and besides I realized today that no matter how long it would take, it still wouldn’t be enough. I am pretty sure I’ll never get over the loss of my father. I’m not sure I’m supposed to. You have to just pick yourself up and move on. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Two little girls passed by me as they ran towards the swings. Their mother was yelling for them to stop running and slow down before they hurt themselves. I couldn’t help but smile. 

One day on our last trip together, my father and I decided to take a little walk around the neighborhood he grew up in. He wanted me to see his old house. A place he had never taken me before. All the other kids had seen where he came from but me being the youngest would often get neglected when it came to important landmarks like that.

We walked for a while before he got tired and had to sit down. We ended up across from a playground. The one he used to play in when he was a child. For the longest time we just sat there, not saying one word. Of course my mind was racing. Shouldn’t we get back to the RV? What if the walk back is too much for him? Maybe we should get a cab. I was just about to mention calling a cab when I glanced over at my father. His facial expression was priceless. He had such a wide smile on his face.

“What is it dad?”

He looked over at me, “What is what?”

“You look so happy, why is that?”

He laughed at me. When he laughed it was weak, just another sign that I was losing him. His laugh used to be so robust and strong. “It’s the kids. Look at those two over there.” He said pointing to two boys on the monkey bars. “You can tell that the older one is showing off to the younger one. Look at them. The younger one wants to be just like the older one. He’s trying to do exactly what his big brother is doing but hasn’t quite figured it out yet.”

I glanced over and watched the action. Sure enough the taller one was hanging from his legs upside down while the shorter one was trying his best to make his way onto the bars. “John used to do that to me all the time.” I said shaking my head at the memory.

My dad looked at me and smiled, “Yes, I know.” He then pointed over towards the slide, “And look at that little girl over there. She looks so happy, like her only care in the world is making it down the slide just so she can run up the ladder and do it all over again.”

“Yeah, looks like fun.” I said half heartedly. I found myself looking at my watch and wondering when I was going to get the first panicked call from Polly or Angie.

“When was the last time you had that much fun son?”

“Sliding?”

He laughed at me, “No, not literally sliding. But I mean fun. Where all you care about is the fun you’re having?”

I shrugged, trying to recall the last time I felt carefree. Since my father received his diagnosis I don’t think I’ve had any legitimately happy, carefree thoughts. “I’m not sure.”

He shook his head and placed his arm around my neck. That’s the way my father liked to give hugs, “That makes me sad.” He said while releasing his grip on me but leaving his hand on my back long enough to give it a quick rub.

“It shouldn’t.”

“I know it’s my fault you all haven’t been very happy lately. I feel so helpless about that.”

Now it was my turn to place my arm around my dad. It wasn’t very often that he revealed things like that to any of us. He was the reason I so often found myself not creating drama. There was never a need. “Dad, stop it. I haven’t had fun in a long time because I’m too busy. It’s not just what you’re going through.”

“Promise me something Howie.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“After I’m gone, you’ll take a few minutes to yourself everyday and have some fun for the sake of having fun.”

I hated when he talked about life after he was dead. We have all gotten better at letting him talk like that. At first when he would start we’d actually shush him. It was my mother of all people, the person who we should have all been there for, who told us that we were being selfish. “If he wants to talk about his death, you better let him otherwise after it happens you’ll all feel the deepest sense of regret forever!”

She was right.

“I’ll try.” I smiled at him.

He glanced over at me with his stern look, “No, no trying….you need to just do it!”

“Okay dad.”

“Go to a playground like this one. When you are blue and need to find the kid in yourself. That’s what I always used to do and nine out of ten times it helped me. Nothing is better then surrounding yourself with kids who don’t have a care in the world. One day you’ll learn that it’s the simple things in life that really matter. Everything else is just a technicality.” He looked over at the kids in the playground again and smiled.

“I love you dad.” I said, trying to gulp down my sadness.

“I love you too son.”

I was brought back from my memories by a hit to my head with a ball.

“Sorry!” A little girl said as she came chasing after it, a big dog following her close behind.

I grabbed the ball off the bench and handed it to her, “That’s okay.” I said as I gently tossed the ball back to her. She seemed about five or six years old.

The dog immediately came over to me and began sniffing at my shoes. “That’s Bo, he’s a good doggie. I’m Lenore by the way.” She said holding out her hand for a shake.

“Hello Lenore, what a pretty name.” I took her hand and gently shook it. “Where is your mommy? Should you be talking to strangers like this?”

She was wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tee shirt and an Alvin and the Chipmunks hat. I laughed at her. It seemed like something Nick would dress himself in if he were her age. Heck even this morning I wouldn’t be surprised to see him dressed like that.

“She’s right there.” The little girl said pointing over to a woman who was talking to another lady, oblivious that her daughter had even wandered off. “You look sad, are you sad mister?”

“A little, but I’m okay now.” I said, forcing myself to smile.

She smiled back, “Good because it’s too nice outside to be sad! Come on Bo let’s go to the Merry Go Round!” She waved at me and just like that, she and her dog ran towards the playground.

I watched as she sat on the merry go round and then motioned for her dog to follow her. Right then and there as I watched the kids playing away out in the bright beautiful sun, I knew I would be okay. I smiled at that thought as kids were heard laughing in the background.