CAST:
Romeo (Romy): Nick
Juliet (Jay-Jay): Dee
Benvolio (Benny): Justin
Mercutio (Cutie): A.J.
Tybalt (Big T.): Kevin
Friar Littrell: Brian
Paris: Howie
Mariah: Krissie

Chorus: Yo yo yo! Dis da C-H-O to da R-U-S, boyyee! Nah, we finna rap a taste about dis here story. This ain't gon' be laid down to you all Olde Ainglish or whateva. Dis gon' be real talk, ya feel meh? I say, do ya dig? 'Ight den. Nah, dis shit gon' be about two peoples that love each otha a lot, right? But, you see? They parents don't see eye to eye, so they fight a lot. Crazy shit, huh?

(One of the chorus members scan over the actual beginning line of Romeo and Juliet.)

Chorus Member 2: 'Ey, yo! Two Star Cross'd Lovers? The fuck is that?

Chorus Member 1: Dude, I don't know, shit...dat's why I say 'two people that love each otha a lot...a WHOLE lot! Got murried at 14 and urry'thang, and--

Chorus Member 3: Shut up, foo'! You gon' mess it up fo' urry'body, man.

Chorus Member 1: Dag, my bad. So, anyway, we gon' start this shit up right, ya dig? 'Ight.

Act One

(We begin our scene in the West Side of New York City. Mercutio (Cutie) and Benvolio (Benny) are sitting at the curb, drinking a 40 ounce and smoking what they like to call “Magic Stix”.)

Cutie: Man...fuck dem Capulets, yo. They ain't shit.

Benny: Damn straight. Who they think they is, anyway? Bouncin' around the joint, thankin' they all that and a bag o' chips. Like you said, C, they ain't shit.

Cutie: When I say that?

Benny: A few minutes ago, bro'.

Cutie: ....oh, shit, I sho' did. (he looks down at his joint) Man....this the shit!

Benny: You ain't lyin'...

(Just then, a Capulet by the name of Tybalt (Big T.) rolls up in front of Benny and Cutie in a Rolls Royce C85. They look up, and shake their heads, a sign that they're tired of seeing another majorly paid Cap showing off.)

Cutie: Man...look at THIS sweet mu'fucka. Always tryin' to show out. (he shouts) WE KNOW YOU GOT MONEY! Damn...Get gone, man...

(Big T. gets out of his car, and approaches Cutie.)
Cutie: What you want?

Big T.: Why don't you say that to my face, man...(he spits out his tooth pick)

Cutie: Why you gotta be all dat? I mean, you come up on 6th Street, tryin' to show out, thankin' you look all good, and ya' don't. So, why don't you just go back to yo' big ass, enormous ass mansion and go suck a--

Benny: Cu! Dis mu'fucka ain't worth it.

Big T.: No no...let him talk his shit...whachu want me to do again, Cutie?

Cutie: I say, right? Go suck a dick, man, and roll yo' ass on!

(Big T. hauls off and punches him in the face. Cutie lands on his back, holding his face. Benny pulls out his piece, as did Big T., and begin to have a stand off.)

Benny: You ain't gon' do shit. You all talk, Cap.

Big T.: Oh, you think I won't shoot you right here, mu'fucka?

Benny: Hell naw...you too stuck up n' shit to kill sum'body. So, why don't you get gon' sum'where?

Big T.: Because I don't like y'all asses. I don't like yo' stank ass, I don't like him, and I damn sho' don't like yo' whole damn family. If anybody is all talk, it's you Montagues. Always startin' shit, an--

(Benny shoots him in the foot.)

Benny: Damn, you talk too much, foo'.

(Benny leaves Big T. jumping up and down in pain. He helps Cutie up, and they start to walk off.)

Cutie: (rubbing his cheek) 'Ey, man...where Romeo at?

Benny: Last I saw that dude, he was on the corner of 5th and Sequoia. Man, I think he sprung.

Cutie: On who?

Benny: Some chickenhead named Rosaline. She a stank ho, man, let me tell you. She be runnin' trains on 3rd and Harding. I be seein' that shit, man.

Cutie: I know Ro'. He'll get over that bitch. Let's go get that mu'fucka.

Benny: 'Ight.

(There, we see Romeo – or Romy for short-- standing under a viaduct, looking at the photo of him and Rosaline [Rosa]. A few minutes later, Benny and Cutie meet up with
Romy, and they exchange special handshakes.)

Benny: What's crackin', foo'?

Romy: Nothin', B...

Cutie: Dude, that ho got yo' ass trippin'. She ain't worth it.

Romy: She was to me, man...she...I was gon' make her da momma of my shorties, man...

Benny: Man, fuck her!

Romy: (looks up at Benny) I tried, man...she ain't give me NO play. I was like, “Why don't you come over to my crib, and chill a minute?” And she say, “Nah, thass' 'ight.” And lef'. Broke my heart, B...I bought her ass a Baby Phat jacket, and she didn't even want it. $500. GON'!

Cutie: You spent $500 on a jacket? Thass' fucked up...nah, YOU fucked up. Cain't you take it back?

Romy: Cain't, man. Sto' closed up...won't get me a fuckin' refund. Pussies.

(Just then, a pimp wearing a purple Zoot Suit and a dark purple robe cruised his way up to them in a purple Cadillac.)

Pimp: Whassup, my wizzles?

Romy: Sup, P. Whachu got there?

Pimp: This shit here? This right here, man? This shit here? This the guest list fo' this bangin' party dat's finna start tonight. It's gon' be off the fuckin' chain, man...

Cutie: fo' real? Will dere be ho's?

Pimp: All the ho's from coast to coast gon' be there, baby-baby...

Cutie: Sweet, man! Shit...I cain't wait...

Pimp: Urry'body's invited. Them Montagues ain't. We ain't tryin' to start nuthin' up in there, ya know what I'm sayin', homey?

Cutie: Damn straight, foo'.

Pimp: And when y'all get there? Get a glass of dat Hpnotiq, kick back, smoke, an' jus' chill...

(Romy reads over the guest list, and sees Rosa's name at the top)

Romy: Fuck.

Benny: What?

Romy: She gon' be there...Rosa.

Cutie: So? Ignore hu' ass...she ain't nobody.

Romy: (smiles) you right, you right...we gon' be there, man. When is it gon' start?

Pimp: Ten Ten, on da Fin, my wizzles...see ya there...

(He drives off, leaving a trail of purple smoke behind him.)

Romy: Well? What we waitin' fo'?

Cutie: Let's get some ho's!

(Benny smacks him upside his head)

Cutie: Damn, bro'!

(They all walk down the sidewalk, heading to the Capulet's mansion.)

Act Two

(We now find Juliet in her bedroom, reading a Teen Dream magazine, sighing melancholy. She's aware that there's a party taking place that evening, but she is unsure to go downstairs and enjoy it. Just then, Juliet's sister,
Mariah walks in. She immediately spots her sister, who's not happy.)

Mariah: Jay Jay?

(Juliet stays silent.)

Mariah: JULIET!

Juliet: Huh, wha?

Mariah: What's the matter with you, now, girl? You better get down them steps. There's some fine ass brothas there...

Juliet: So? I'm not going.

Mariah: You not goin'?

Juliet: No.

Mariah: Why you so down all of a sudden? You should be happy, an' shit.

Juliet: Do I LOOK happy, sister? (she sighs heavily, plopping herself back on the bed) I feel..empty.

Mariah: Eat somethin'. They got Fatburgers downstairs, foo'. You better get you some...

Juliet: Not THAT kind of empty...I mean...I don't have anyone to love me for who I am. Other men would be with me, because I'm cute in the face, and thick in the waist.

Mariah: Girl, you should be happy with what God blessed yo' ass with. I envy you like a mu'fucka.

Juliet: How so?

Mariah: You get all the guys, Jay Jay...I'm lucky to get a motherfuckin' BOB for my 21st birthday.

(Juliet laughs at her sister's somewhat serious antics.)

Mariah: There we go...there's that smile. Now, bring yo' ass down them stairs and find you a man with bread.

Juliet: Fine...but I ain't lookin' to like. I'm just lookin'.

Mariah: And I'm lookin' fo' some di--

Juliet: Mariah...

Mariah: Dip Stick candy. That's the shit.

Juliet: You are impossible...

(Meanwhile, Benny, Cutie and Romy make it to the Capulet's mansion. Since Romy and Benny are Montagues, they wore masks to hide their faces. Their outfit consisted of black jeans, and a red t-shirt. They walked into the front entrance, and was astonished by the crowd.)

Benny: DAAAAAAAAAMN! Look at all these peoples!

Cutie: I know, huh? Nah, let's go and have some fun, man...

Romy: That is what we came here for, right?

Cutie: You got that right, my wizzle. Let's partay!

(The three amigos mingle in with the crowd, picking up glasses of wine and cognac. They stood against the wall, watching the party goers dancing, chatting it up, and kissing their honeydips.)

(Juliet comes down the steps with her man-crazy sister. They look around, and see nothing but 'losers' in Juliet's book.)

Juliet: I think I'm having second thoughts...

Mariah: Ohh...no, you're not.
(Mariah grabs her arm, and leads her all the way down the steps and into the huge crowd.)
Mariah: Now, let's get this party started! Ow!

(As Mariah danced to Good Charlotte blaring from the sound system, Juliet wanders off, nibbling at her fingertips.)

(Romy stands alone, as Benny and Cutie went away with a couple of 'chickenheads'. He starts to walk away, and inadvertently passes Big T.)

Big T.: I smell a Montague...and it's him! (he takes out his gun, and as he's about to shoot him, Juliet's father stops him)

Father: The FUCK is up wit'chu, man?

Big T: Uncle, that boy over there. He's our enemy...he MUST be subdued!

Father: Shit, slow yo' roll, boy! You had better come correct...I didn't spend all this money on this party, just so you can blast someone in the ass...leave him alone.

Big T.: But uncle--

Father: What the hell did I JUST say?

Big T.: (hangs his head down low, and walks off talking under his breath) stupid uncle won't let me do a goddamn thing in this house...this sucks major ass...

(Romy goes through the thinning crowd to get another drink to drown his sorrows. As he pours his drink, he looks around, and spots Rosa dancing in an alluring way.)

Romy: (sniffles) You coulda had it all, Rosa...(in an ethereal whisper) you coulda had it all...

(Just as Rosa danced away from Romy's sight, he's completely stunned at what he saw next. Juliet.)

Romy: WHOA...who is DAT?! WHOO, baby gurl is FOINE!

(Juliet looks to her left, and sees Romy looking at her. She blushes a little as she sees him approach her.)
The tune to Justin Timberlake's “I'm Lovin' It” starts to play.

Romy: Hi...I'm not here to waste your time, and no this ain't a pick up line. I just think that you're a (holds up his hands) DIME...

Juliet: You really think so?

Romy: Girl, I know so...what's yo' name?

Juliet: Juliet, but my friends call me Jay Jay.

Romy: I'm Romeo, but my friends and 'nem? They call me Romy. 'Cause I like to roam a lot, ya dig me...?

Juliet: Ooh...I dig you...

(Romy takes her hands, and puts them to his chest.)

Romy: Yo' hands soft than a motherfucka...

Juliet: Tha...thank you...

Romy: From this day on, fine momma, I am yo' servant. May I kiss them ruby red lipses of yours?

Juliet: What's stopping you, my dear...?

Romy: Baby gur'...not a damn thang...

(He leans in, and kisses her softly, then a bit passionately. They both pull back looking at one another.)

Romy: Oooh Wee...Thass' what I'm talkin' 'bout...

Juliet: You're a mighty fine kisser, Romeo.

Romy: I cain't complain, but a brotha do 'ight, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Juliet: Yes, I do...my lo--

(Juliet is cut off by her dear nurse, telling her that she should come to bed at once.)

Juliet: Now? But, kind Nurse--

Nurse: No buts, Miss Julie. Time for your rest.

(As the nurse pulls her away from Romy, Benny and Cutie does the same)

Benny: Come on man, let's get outta hea'.

Cutie: Man...the females up in hea' are straight bustas...they ain't SHIT! They all virgins and shit, man...I cain't hang...I cain't hang...

(They notice Romy acting strangely.)

Benny: What's up wit' you, foo'? Let's go!

Romy: I think...I think I found my future baby's momma, y'all...she got that whip appeal...

Cutie: Man, whateva. Is you leavin' wit' us, or not?

Romy: Yes, but...

Cutie: Come on, man! A wigga gotta take a monstrous shit!

(The Nurse and Juliet were at the top of the stairs talking.)

Juliet: Who is that boy that so quickly ran off? I mean, I know his name, but I haven't seen him around.

Nurse: he is called Romeo, and is a Montague.

Juliet: ................what?

Nurse: I say, he's a Mon-Ta-Gue. Did you hear me that time?

Juliet: GOD...DAMNIT! The one boy I've fallen for has GOT to be my enemy! SHIT! I'm goin' to bed...

Nurse: But, Miss Julie--

Juliet: GOODNIGHT!

(Juliet storms upstairs, with the thought lingering in her head that she may never see him again.)

Act Three

(It is now midnight, and Juliet stands out in her balcony halfway atop the castle. She looks up at the stars with her fist rested upon her cheek. She ponders deeply. Romy and his crew arrive at the mansion again, but they stood outside of it.)

Benny: Why are we back here again, man? I wanna go home...

Romy: No, not yet...I want to see her again...she's the one for me, I know it.

Cutie: You said that about that Christyn chick on 4th street.

Benny: And Sandra from across the street from me...which reminds me. That ho owes me $40 dollas!

Cutie: And lest we forget, Lady Delilah...who wasn't really a lady at all.

Benny: And Little miss--

Romy: ALRIGHT! I fuckin' get it, I'm a sucker for love...but this bitch...she da ONE. I know it, y'all...Now, where could she be?

(They start to look around for at least 5 minutes. Suddenly, they hear a woman talking to herself atop the mansion's balcony. They stop to listen.)

Juliet: Oh, Romeo...Romeo...why in the name of GOD do you have to be Romeo? This is complete bullshit, my love. If I wasn't a Capulet, I would be in your arms right now...but I can't. It's not fair. Montague...what the FUCK is that? I mean, it sounds ugly and shit...but in reality, what's in a name? Which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet...but your name...your last name...it sucks. (she sighs heavily) Now that we've met, I wish things were different between us...

Romy: Pssst....PSSSST!

(Juliet looks down from her balcony and sees Romy trying to climb up the tower.)

Romy: Well then, from dis day on, baby...I'll never be Romeo Montague...I'll just be yo' Romy-Rome...and--

(struggles to get to the top) hol' up...(...STILL tries to make it to the top) WHOO! Gimme a minute, babe...

Juliet: Take your time, my love.

Romy: 'Ight...(holding on for dear life, he finally makes it to the top. His feet are settled onto two gargoyle statues for balance.)

Romy: Ever heard of an elevator, babe?

Benny: (from below) Ever heard of Slim Fast? (they laugh out loud)

Romy: (mouths to them) Fuck...You. (to Juliet) Ahh...baby girl...you have made my night...have I told you how beautiful you are?

Juliet: Many a time, my strange love.

Romy: Well, I'mma say it again...you are so FINE! And your eyes be like....like...(he looks down to his friends) Help?

Benny: Say, hu' eyes are like two shiny blue sapphires, and that glisten beautifully in the sun...

Cutie: (Just looks at Benny.) I knew you was fruity, man. Just say, that she gots hootas the size of cantelopes!

Benny: And that her hair are like strands of gold...and--

Cutie: 'Ey, man...shut up! Man, you gay than a motherfucka...

Benny: Fuck you, Mercutio!

Cutie: Don't call me dat! Name sound like a damn pasta...Benvolio with skrimp on the side. HA!

(Benny and Cutie get in a scuffle down below, whereas Romy and Juliet are still talking at the balcony.)

Romy: Let's get hitched.

Juliet: What? Are you serious?

Romy: Like a heart attack, boo boo. Whadaya say?

Juliet: That sounds like a great idea, Romy...finally, someone that will love me for me.

Romy: Sho' ya right. (gives out a big ass smile)

(Juliet leans down and kisses him lightly.)

Juliet: You're the strangest man ever I've seen, but right now, you mean so much to me. What time shall I meet you for our union?

Romy: 9 am, baby gur'. Sharp.

Juliet: I won't be late. I promise you that. Let us meet at the Catholic church on Sprewell.

Romy: Cool.

(the nurse calls her from her bedroom.)

Juliet: (to her nurse) I'm coming. (to Romy) Ohh, I cannot wait, Romy. To run my fingers through your silky blonde hair...to--

Nurse: JULIET!!

Juliet: I SAID I'M COMING! Damn...(to Romy) to kiss your lips once again...(leans in, and kisses him again) and again...

Romy: Preach, baby, PREACH!

Juliet: But, for now, you must go...if they find you hanging around, they'll place a cap in your ass. Rest assured.

Romy: Baby, they ain't finna do shit to me. Let them come. I can take them bustas on one by one.

Juliet: They carry magnums and sawed off shotguns.

Romy: (quickly climbing down) I'mma go.

Juliet: (to Romy as he climbs down) Farewell, farewell, to thee, and let me rest. For your words are now a keepsake that I'll hold unto my breasts.

(As Romy heard her say the word 'breasts', he starts to fall into a daze.)

Romy: Breasts...sweet, supple--(he slips) BREASTS!!!

(Juliet laughs, and walks out of the balcony, and closes the door. As Romy fell on his ass, Benny and Cutie look down, and start laughing like crazy.)

Romy: Man...it ain't right to laugh at a man that's soon to be married.

Benny and Cutie: ...say WHAT?!

Romy: Juliet and I are engaged! Isn't that great?
(Benny smacks him upside the head)

Benny: Man...you're FUCKED for life, bro'.

Romy: What do you mean?

Benny: What do you mean, what do I mean?! That means, you cain't fuck any ol' girl anymore an' shit. You're gonna be on LOCKDOWN!

Romy: Number one, I WANT to be on lockdown, and number two, I'm not missing much, since she will be my first.

(Benny and Cutie stepped away from him, terrified.)

Benny: So all this time, we've--

Cutie: Been hanging out with a virgin...a CLEAN mu'fucka...

(They both run off screaming their heads off, and left Romeo pondering, and swooning a little.)

Romy: (while looking up at the balcony) Soon, babe...soon, we will be togetha fo'eva. Just wait.

Act Four

(The very next day, Romeo arrives at the church, which was ran by Friar Littrell. He looked around for him, but he didn't see him anywhere. Suddenly, he hears music playing in the next room, so he goes to the side door, and opens it.)

Romy: Yo, Fri! Father?

(The Friar is listening to “In Christ Alone”, a song that he performed at a recent ceremony.)

Romy: 'EY, YO!

(The Friar jumps out of his seat with a yelp.)

Friar: Don't sneak up on me like that, like you have no home trainin'!

Romy: My bad, your Eminence.

Friar: It's alright...(he brushes off his black outfit) What can I do you for? (the Father of the church had a Southern accent, not usual around these parts. His main outfit was a long sleeved black silk shirt, and black jeans with matching dressshoes. For some odd reason, it would turn the women of the parish on, and they now practically live in the confessioner's booth because of their 'inhumane' thoughts.)

Romy: Well, I met someone.

Friar: Alright...so?

Romy: So? SO?! Man, she's BOOTYFUL! I mean, she gots a BANGIN' body, and a bodacious as--

Friar: 'EY! You're in church, boy.

Romy: My bad...I was wondering if you could, you know, hook a brotha up. We need you to marry us.

Friar: M...Marry you? Son, how old are ye'?

Romy: Should it matta? Come on, man...are you gon' marry us or not?

(The Father stands there, pondering, looking up at the crucifix.)

Friar: O, Lord. What should I do? I mean, how old is he? 12? Please, give me an answer...

Romy: Well?

Friar: Yes.

Romy: ALRIGHT! She's gonna be here in a half hour, and--

Friar: On one condition.

Romy: Name it, Holy bro'.

Friar: Before I marry you and your beautiful bride, I want you to go and fetch me...some--

Romy: What?

Friar: Kool Aid.

Romy: Ok, and—say what now?

Friar: Ye' heard meh. Go to the store on the corner of Lexington, and bring me some Cherry Berry Kool Aid. It's a sin ta drink it, but it's so daggone (sings it a la a church song) gooood. (stomps his foot twice, holding his chest and shaking his head, for he felt the 'Holy Ghost') Testify, somebody...

Romy: Uh...ok...

(Romy backs out of the church..in a HURRY, and goes to the store to purchase the Friar's request. A while later, he returns with a bottle of his sinful elixir, and hands it to him.)

Romy: (out of breath) They...they ran out of Cherry Berry...they..they only had Blue RazzMaTazz...WHOO...

Friar: Blue Ra--(sighs heavily) this will HAVE to do, I guess...

Romy: (on the ground) um...could you get a wigga some oxymagen...?

Friar: I mean, he could have gotten Strawberry Surprise, but this taste like shi--

Romy: 'Ey, man! Can we get on with this?

Friar: Oh...yes.

(Meanwhile, Romy and the Friar awaits Juliet's arrival. They hear footsteps, and look at the entrance. There Juliet stood, wearing a white dress, and her hair flowing as she walked down the aisle.)

Romy: Good Lord Almighty! (he adjusts his tie, and waits for her to come closer to him. As she finally approaches him, she stands at his side, holding his hands.)

Friar: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two lovers, in holy matrimony. Let us pray...

Romy: hey, hey hey! We ain't got time for that, man! Get on with it!

Friar: Boy, don't you rush me in this House.

Romy: Um, we got bills to pay, bro, so come on wit' it.

Friar: Fine, y'all married. Now, git!

(Romy and Juliet share their first kiss as husband and wife, but they couldn't sleep in a bed as a couple yet. Their families are still quarreling.)

Juliet: I have to go, my Love. Meet me tonight behind the 7/11, the one no one goes to, so we will not be found.

Romy: You got it, babe. Lata.

Juliet: (in trying to fit into his world, she holds up her dainty fist) Lata, my homey. (She smiles proudly)

Romy: (Sweetly) Jay Jay, don't do that. If you do, peoples will bust a cap in your beautiful, round ass, ok? Ok...

Juliet: Sorry...(she weakly smiles, and runs off)

Romy: (sighs happily) What a day this was...(humming the tune to “I'm Lovin' It”, he struts down the street, snapping his fingers.)

(Later that day, Benny, and Cutie are at a sidewalk, shooting dice. Cutie laid out loaded dice, causing everyone else to lose but him.)

Benny: If I didn't know betta, wigga, I say you was cheatin'! (Takes a swig of his 40 ounce)

Cutie: Me? Cheatin'? Man....you gots me AWL wrong, bro'! I wouldn't do dat shit...dat ain't me.

Benny: yeah, 'ight...

(Just then, Big T. rolls up in front of them once again in a Lexus. Cutie was the first person to notice him.)

Cutie: Man...when will he EVER learn? 'Ey, T! T! Don't be comin' up on our turf, bro'! We don't want you hea'!

(Big T. gets out of the car, and walks up to Cutie.)

Big T.: So, we meet again, old friend...

Cutie: what? Dude, I ain't yo' friend, get it straight, bro'.

Big T.: Of course we are, we--(He's instantly cut off, for he sees Romy walking down the street.)

Big T.: We'll talk later. Hey, YOU! Yeah, you!

Romy: Me?

Big T.: Yes...I saw you at the party last night...I have a bone to pick with you...

Romy: Tybalt, I'm not here to fight you, ok? My heart and my mind is too full to let anger and hate in them. Goodbye for now...

(As he's about to walk off, Big T. stops him.)

Big T.: We shall fight!

Romy: I said no.

Big T.: You will pay for disobeying a Capulet!

Romy: Man, nothing gets by you, huh? Now, leave me be, cuz.

(As Big T. was about to charge at him with his piece, Cutie steps in.)

Cutie: Man, he said no, didn't he? Now, take yo' big ass on sum'whea!

Big T.: Never. Not until that Montague is dead.

Cutie: You a dumb bitch, you know that?

Big T.: I beg your pardon?

Cutie: I say you dumb! You can't take no for an answer...did you hear me that time? Huh?

(Big T. points the gun to his forehead.)

Big T.: I am so sick and tired of you!
(Romy steps in, and tries to calm them down.)

Romy: Come on, y'all. This shit ain't worth fightin' for...Remember what the Sheriff (Prince of Verona) said: if y'all disturb the peace, he'll--

Big T. and Cutie: SHUT UP!

Romy: Ok...(steps back)

(Cutie places his hands on Big T.'s shoulders.)

Cutie: Say, my man...why don't we just kill the violent nonsense, yo'. Ya know, dat shit be played out, man, ya' know what I'm sayin'? So, put that Mag away, and just cool ya' jets, ya feel meh?

Big T.: You know what? (sniffles) you are so right, Mercutio...what the hell was I thinking? I...I always thought that Montagues and Capulets should go together hand in hand, and have a long, lasting universal friendship...You, my friend, have opened my eyes. Thank you...

Cutie: (Gives him a shit eating grin) You are so welcome, my big white bro'. Nah, I'm finna roll...catch ya' later, man...

(Cutie signaled Romy and Benny to come with him to his house. As they walk off, a shot was fired. Romy and Benny turn around to find Cutie on his knees...shot.)

Cutie: AHHH!!!

Romy: Mercutio!!

(Romy bends down to him, shaking him by the shoulders)

Romy: Are you alright? Please, answer me!

Cutie: I've...I've been shot...up my ass!

Romy: NO!!---what?

Cutie: My booty got BLASTED! Ahhh....this was NOT the experience I wanted!!

(Cutie moans and groans after he collapses to the ground. Romy sees Cutie's gun on the ground and picks it up.)

Romy: You sick motherfucker...you WILL pay fo' dat!

Big T.: I didn't do it.

(Romy looks over behind Tybalt to find a big breasted woman in a pink robe, and fake hairpiece on.)

Woman: I had to teach dat fucka a lesson! He hasn't paid chil' support in 3 yeas! Drag dat mu'fucka ova hea'!

(Benny and Romy drag Cutie over to the woman, and she instantly attaches her hand around his ear.)

Woman: let's go, you cheatin', stealin' muthafucka...

Cutie: Man...give me 'til next week...my SSI check ain't came yet, Boo Boo...

Woman: Don't 'Boo Boo' me! You still talkin' out ya' ass an' shit, don't play wit' me!

Cutie: How can I talk out my ass when yo' ass blew it up?!

Woman: Shut up, and let's go...

(As she drug him down the road, Benny, Big T., and Romy stood in shock.)

Romy, Big T., Benny: DAMN.

Act Five

(At the Capulet mansion, a servant walks over to Juliet's father with exciting news.)

Servant: Mr. Capulet, sir?

Father: Yes, Winston?

Servant: A Mr. Paris has arrived, sir. Shall I let him in?

Father: AH yes! Bring him in!

(the servant bows to him, and walks out. Minutes later, he returns with a young man with mocha skin tone. He wore a satin dark purple shirt and black dresspants with black shoes to match. His hair was long and wavy, and it always moved when he walked.)

Paris: Señor Capulet, I am Paris, your daughter's suitor.

Father: At last, you have arrived! (Just then, Mariah walks in)

Mariah: 'Ey, Pops, we're out of Bartles and James, and—Oh, my Living God...

Father: Mariah, this is Paris, your future brother in law.

Mariah: Alright! Pleased to me—wait, whoa whoa...BROTHER in law? What the fuck, Pops?

Father: This is Juliet's future husband...(to Paris) she should be pleased to see you.

Mariah: (thinking) Yeah...she's gonna be beside herself...

Paris: So, where is that beautiful daughter you've told me so much about, huh?

Father: She is sleep at the moment, son. Perhaps you should stay and wait?

Paris: I shall do as you request. Señor Capulet, if you would, could you not tell her about our arranged marriage? I want to charm her first with my dyNAMIC good looks...(he takes out a big ass mirror, and slicks his long locks back.) Ow, hurt me...

(Mariah rolls her eyes, and goes back upstairs.)

(Juliet stand out on her balcony, looking at the moon. Her thoughts are on Romeo once again; her Lord, her husband, her boo.)

Juliet: My beloved Romeo...how I miss you so much...I wonder where you are right now...heh...you're probably not thinking of me at all. I'm sure you have a lot of women flocking over you, and I am next in line...oh, who am I kidding? I KNOW you think of me, and I know that I am the only one for you...I just wish you were here with me...

(Mariah walks into her room, then smiles as she knows who she's thinking of again.)

Mariah: Thinking about your Boo Boo, huh?

Juliet: Yes...I miss him.

Mariah: I bet you do. I mean, everytime you think of him, you glow, gur'. Why don't you get his digits, or go over to his crib?

Juliet: Yes...I should go over to his...crib. But I'd rather for him to come here. My bed is hot, and I cannot stand it...

Mariah: Horny as a toad, huh?

Juliet: BINGO.

Mariah: (pats her back) it'll be alright, and—OH, get this, babygirl...there's this sweet ass mu'fucka downstairs, wanting to talk to you. I think he took a wrong turn to Peter Pan's house, if you know what I mean...

Juliet: Downstairs...? To see me?

Mariah: Mmhmm...he cute, but I think he's fruitier than a box of Fruity Pebbles, let me tell you, gur'...

(Juliet laughs)

Juliet: Alright, let's see this “Fruity Pebble” gentleman.

(Juliet walked down the steps, and quickly spots her father and Paris.)

Father: AHH, my Juliet is awake! I want you to meet someone...

(Paris gets up, walks over to Juliet, and kneels down, kissing the back of her hand.)

Paris: Enchante, my dear Julietta...I am Paris Lopez-Rodrigo-Vicente-Lupito-Vasuega-Fernandez-Esposito-Ochito-Ochata-Consuelo-Algarron. But you can call me Big Pari...

Juliet: Uh....hi.

Paris: Mi amor, never have I seen such beauty in all of my life, and I live right next door to the Playboy Mansion...

Father: By the way, I can still get a VIP pass, right?

Paris: Si, señor.

Father: (under his breath) YES!

Paris: But you, mi querida, are the jewel en mi corazon...let us run away together, and live happily ever after as husband and wife...

Juliet: I...beg your pardon?

Paris: Marry me, Dulce Manzanita...(my sweet little apple)

Juliet: No.

Paris: YES! We are now enga—wai..wait, what?

Juliet: I am not marrying you. I am sorry...but if you expect me to marry this...self absorbed, Menudo reject, you are sadly mistaken.

Father: How...DARE you defy your father?!

Juliet: Why can't you let me make my own decisions for once, huh? I do not love France, or whatever his name is...

Paris: Big...PARI!

Juliet: I do not give a damn if it's Big Pimpin', Spending Cheese! I will not marry you!

Father: (Instantly furious) You will get one thing clear, young lady...You will do as I say, is that clear? When I say you will marry Paris, you WILL marry Paris! The wedding will take place in two weeks, so you WILL get your act together, or so help me GOD...

Paris: I...think I should return when the fire of your anger settles...until then, Adios...

(Paris leaves the house, leaving Juliet and her father quarreling.)

Father: Now, not another word of your resistance. If you shall do so, you're out of the family, the will, and everything else! NO ONE will stand in my way of meeting Miss November!

Juliet: ...what?

Father: A---nevermind that! Go to your room!

(Juliet runs up the steps, and into her room. She finds solace upon her soft Terry bed, and cries her eyes out.)

Juliet: This isn't fair! This isn't fair! Oh, Romeo...whatever shall I do...?

(Meanwhile, Romy is outside Benny's house, waiting for him to come out so they can go by Juliet's house.)

Romy: Man...this mu'fucka take too damn long...

(Suddenly, a running Mariah catches his eye.)

Romy: Look, I don't owe you anything...

Mariah: Are you Romeo Montague?

Romy: Yes...? Who are you?

Mariah: I'm Mariah Capulet, Juliet's sister...

Romy: You Juliet's sister? You darker than her...Why dat is?

Mariah: My father is a ho. Anyway, Juliet needs you. You gotta go to her, man.

Romy: Is she in pain?

Mariah: No, my Pops set her up with this sleazy ass, Ricky Martin “Livin' La Vida Loca” ass dude, and he wants her to marry him.

Romy: No...

Mariah: Yeah, bro'. She needs you, man...tap da—I mean, lay with her...comfort her...tell her to stop shedding her tears...

(Romy hugs her, and runs off.)

Romy: Thanks a lot, gur'!

(Benny walks out of his house, still arguing with his dad.)

Benny: Man, fuck you! I don't need yo--(he sees Mariah.)

Benny: Hi....

Mariah: Hi....

(They slowly walk up to one another, and instantly hold hands. For some odd reason, the tune to Lovestoned filled the air as they did so.)

Together: Heeeeeeey.....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Juliet: You've come back for me...I knew you'd come...
(Romy rushes to her from his position at the window, and holds her tightly.)

Romy: Not a damn thing would stop me from coming here, Boo Boo...you mean too much to me. I love you, girl...

Juliet: And I, you, Romeo...

(Romy leans in, and passionately kisses his bride, pulling her lower body towards him.)

Juliet: We've waited this long, yes?

Romy: Yes...we have...

Juliet: Take me, kind lover...(she quickly jumps up on him) Take me NOW!

Romy: Okey dokey.

(Romy lost his balance, which caused him to fall onto the bed backwards. Juliet stayed on top of him, kissing his neck.)

Romy: Ohhh ho ho ho...That sho' feels goooood ta ME!

Juliet: It should, dear husband...now...pleasure me.

Romy: (thinking) His mind plays a 1970s porn track. (Yum, yum, gimme sum...)

(Romy and Juliet had finally, after 4 months, consumated their marriage....5 times, because 'a wigga can go da distance!')

(Romeo and Juliet are holding one another bathed in nakedness. The sun began to rise as they slept. Romy was the first one to get up, and get dressed. He stumbles over Juliet's DVD player.)

Romy: SHIT!

(Juliet wakes up, seeing him get dressed.)

Juliet: Leaving so soon?

Romy: Yeah, a brotha gotta roll out. I don't wanna get my ass blasted. You know how that be, right?

Juliet: (giggles) yes...

(Romy walks over to her, and kisses her forehead.)

Romy: I'mma call you, Boo Boo, ok?

Juliet: I will await your call, Love...

(As Romy stepped out to the balcony, Juliet walks out towards it, watching him climb down.)

Juliet: I love you!

Romy: (looks up, and is about to say, I love you back to her, but all he saw was 'milkjugs.' He began to drool.)

Romy: Whooooooa......I love you to--(he slips and falls on his ass...again. To his right, he saw a sturdy ladder that had been just placed there.)

Romy: ...................well, I'll be damned.

Act Six

(We find Paris in his mansion looking into his 9 feet bathroom mirror. He had a purple comb in hand, and he was humming “Shake Your Bom Bom” by Ricky Martin, while moving from side to side. He wore nothing but a towel, but he didn't care. If he was in a towel, he thought to himself, he would still look CRAZEE SEXEE!! (Don't ask where he got that from. He paid us to say it.)
Anyway, he starts to comb his long and curly locks, and flashed a shit eating grin.

Paris: Mirror, Mirror on the wall....Jean Claude Van—DAMN don't I have it all?! WHOO! Ow, hurt me...

(Paris looked around the mansion of a bathroom to see if anyone else was around: he takes off his towel, and looks down.

Paris: Why, hello there, Li'l Chico. Ready for the big night, eh? Heh heh, I know I am...tonight, I'mma get me some Capulet tail...That decadent little flower can't resist my Latin charm...Soon, my sweet Julietta...you will be mine...mine forever...

(Meanwhile, we find Friar Littrell sitting at one of the pews, strumming solemn notes on his guitar. He wanted to be a rockstar, but God was his true calling. Suddenly, he wasn't alone. He turned around to see Juliet walking towards him.)

Juliet: Kind Friar...

Friar: Ahh, miss Juliet, how art thou?

Juliet: I'm great, and you?

Friar: Eh, couldn't be better. Just sittin' on the dock of the bay. Wastin' time.

Juliet: Um...yeah.

Friar: How may I help you?

Juliet: Sir, you are my only hope. I need you...

Friar: Um...let me lock the doors, grab the wine chillin' in the freezer, and--

Juliet: No no...I mean, I need your help. You see, I'm 'destined' to marry someone I don't love, and my heart and virtue already chose Romeo. So, I was wondering if you had a solution?

Friar: So you two can live forever in harmony?

Juliet: yes, Sir.

Friar: Alright. I have one thing that you can try.

(He led Juliet to a white cabinet full of medicines. He took out a purple vial, and hands it to her.)

Friar: Drink this, and you'll be in a 2 day slumber.

Juliet: Whoa, wait a minute...drugs?

Friar: Trust me, Juliet, this will help you with your problems, I promise. All you have to do is take one drop of the elixir, and you will go into a deep slumber for 48 hours.

Juliet: Um...I don't get this shit: how is this going to reunite me with my love?

Friar: I wasn't finished. Now, this is my scenario: You tell your father that you will give Paris your hand in marriage, and--

Juliet: Wait, how did you know it was Paris?

Friar: My child, that boy is a flamboyant billboard. Anyway, You tell them that you will marry Paris. That night, you go to your room, and make sure you have NO visitors. You take the vial out, and drink some of it. Within minutes, you will fall into a deep sleep. Your family will then find your 'dead' body, and will place you into the Capulet Tomb that's chockful of your ancestors.

Juliet: ......ok.

Friar: I will send Romeo an email on the 46th hour so he can go into the tomb, and get there in time to see you awaken. Then, you two will flee New York and have your happily ever after.

Juliet: that's a great idea!

Friar: I know.

Juliet: Don't get conceited, Friar Littrell.

Friar: Forgive me, Ma'am.

(Just then, Sister Agatha Marie walks over to the Friar of the church.)

Sister: Have any of the wafers and rosaries come through shipment yet?

(The friar walks up to her, placing his hands upon her shoulders.)

Friar: I'm afraid they haven't, Sister Agatha Marie. When they do come, you will be the first to know. Ok?

(Lost in his blue gaze, she lightly nods, and walks away fanning herself with her habit.)

Friar: That happens every day.

Juliet: Yeah yeah...I have to go now...I must rest, and awaken for my beloved!

(Juliet darts out of the church, and down towards her home.)

(Benny and Mariah are in the back of his 'benzo', smoking and drinking a 40 ounce.)

Benny: Now, ain't this livin', baby?

Mariah: (takes another swig) Benny Baby...you don't know the half of it...you've shown me things I've never seen...and I thank you for that...you so wiiiiiiise.....

Benny: And ye' kno' dis! (He pulls her close, and kisses her passionately.)

Benny: Will you be my boo, fo' life?

Mariah: Yezzir...

(They snuggle against one another, and look up at the sky.)

(Juliet walks into her house, and sees her Mother, Father and Paris sitting on the couch.)

Juliet: Ahh...just the people that I want to see...

Father: What is it, sweetheart? Have you made up your mind?

Juliet: Yes, I have. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I've been on my period. You know how that is, right, Mother?

Mother: Absolutely.

Juliet: Anyway...I've made up my mind, and I really REALLY want to marry Paris.

(Paris, yet again, flashes another shit eating grin towards his 'future wife'.)

Paris: My...my heart is pounding, baby...Come to Big Pari...

(Nauseated, Juliet walks over to him, and sits on his lap.)

Juliet: I think me and Paris would like to be alone for a moment...

(Humming “We're In the Money”, her parents leave the room, closing the door.)

Juliet: I thought they'd never leave...now...what should we do at the honeymoon, husband?

Paris: What should we do?! Well, Love...we should...

(he whispers sweet, yet sexual quotes into her ears, then nips it.)

Juliet: Ahh...heh heh...yes...that's very lovely...

Paris: Do you want me to go fast like a JACKHAMMER? Or soft, and cuddly, like a cute, innocent bunny...?

Juliet: You decide. I want to please you...(whispers in his ear) ALL of you...

(Paris shifted in his seat, trying to hide his painful hard-on entrapped within his blue jeans.)

Paris: LETSSKIPTHEWEDDINGANDFUCKRIGHTHERERIGHTNOW!

Juliet: Oh no no no...too soon. In three days, you will have me. Deal?

Paris: NOW!

Juliet: (she slips off his lap, and walks upstairs.)

Paris: Must you leave me unsatisfied??

Juliet: Three days...

(Paris gets on his knees, and begs for her to make love to him before the wedding, but she refused and walked all the way upstairs. He got up, and walked to the door, looking down at his hardness.)

Paris: Well, it's just me and my hand tonight...

(He opens the door, and leaves out.)

It is Midnight, and Juliet gets ready for bed. She takes out her vial, and sits on the bed, clasping it in her little hand. She pops the cap open, and sniffs it.

Juliet: oooh. MangoBerry. God, give me strength. Please reunite me with my beloved Romy after the 48th hour...please....

(Slowly and surely, she drinks half of the vial as the Friar prescribed, and laid back on the bed. She closes her eyes, and drifts off to sleep...a deep, death like...sleep.)

Act Seven

(The sun has risen, and its warm inviting rays overtook the city of New York. The birds were singing their usual songs and children were at play in the clean, idle streets. Everything seemed to be utterly perfect...until a bloodcurdling scream shatters the sweet silence of the early morn. Mother Capulet found her most precious life on her bed, her hands plastered upon her rosy cheeks...lifeless.)

Mother: My God...NO!!

(The nurse, Mariah, and Father Capulet rushed down the hall in search of the Lady's scream.)

Mother: our daughter...she is dead...DEAD!! how could this have happened?!

Father: No...not this...not now!!

(The father and the mother both cried and screamed in anguish as they continued to look at their lifeless daughter's body. Mariah was the first to hover over her sister, and check her neck and wrist for a pulse: Nothing.

Mariah: J...Juliet, it's me...please, wake up...I know you hear me...(her voice begins to crack) Sister...you are not dead...I know you're not...please...awaken...AWAKEN, damnit!

(the father pulled her away from Juliet. She clings onto her father's cotton Terry robe, and cried her eyes out.

Nurse: This is a saddening day...for all of us...(she looks up at the ceiling) her soul is now on loan by God's will...

(Everyone was outside her door, crying and trying to figure out why and how she died. The mother turned towards her husband.)

Mother: this is all YOUR fault!

Father: MY fault?

Mother: Yes! If you hadn't have forced her into a planned marriage, she wouldn't have died of distress!

Father: You heard what she said last night! She didn't want to go against OUR wishes, so she agreed to marry Paris...

Mother: This is complete and utter bullshit! You could see that she was lying out of her ass! She ALWAYS went against your wishes because, well...she doesn't like you!

Father: Does too!

Mother: Does not!

Father: Does too!

Mariah: ENOUGH!

(They all turn to her in wonder)

Mariah: All of you are quarreling over nothing! Juliet is DEAD, don't you get it?! She's not coming back, and all you two can think of is who she was planning to marry? I cain't believe y'all! I'm goin' out!

Father: Where are you going?

Mariah: To visit a friend...

(Mariah walks out of the Capulet mansion in search of Romy.)

(Meanwhile, at the Friar's office, he's at his computer, ready to send Romeo an email on where to meet his wife. He's having trouble with his Internet connection.)

Friar: Blasted America Online...no good ass dial-up...

(He gets up, and kicks his computer tower, and it shuts off instantly.)

Friar: ......oops.

(A half hour later, the priest finally got the computer working, and he opens up his Yahoo-ith! Account.)

Friar: Alright, let's get this happily ever after started off right...

The Friar's E-Mail
“Hello, my child. This is Friar Littrell, letting you know of something great. You sittin' down? Great. This concerns your fair Juliet, and your happily ever after you two want oh so badly. Tomorrow, you have to go to the Capulet tomb and find her 'dead' body there. No, this isn't a cruel joke, so please cease the arrival of your broodish gang. I'm serious. Now, when I say, “dead”, she's actually in a deep sleep, but she is going to awaken at the 48th hour, so get there beforehand. And when you get there, she will awaken, you two are reunited, and BAM! You and your beloved are off to you rhappily ever after!
Good Luck, my Son.
Best Regards,
Friar Littrell”

Friar: Done and done.

(Afer he completed the email, he clicks 'SEND'.)
Friar: now, we play the waiting game.

(He sat back, looking at the sending meter move from 0% to 100%. It's at 1%...40 minutes ago.)

Friar: .......damnit.

Mariah: ROMEO!

(Mariah arrived at the Montague hangout spot at a fast pace. She looked around for anyone: Benny, Cutie, the ho on 56th street. Anyone. But she was mainly looking for her deceased sister's beloved: Romeo.
After walking around for quite sometime, and knocking out the teeth of some old ass man trying to pick her up, she still couldn't find them. Suddenly, Benny turned the corner and walked to the direction of where Mariah was.)

Mariah: BENNY BABY!

Benny: Mah Mah! What's the matter?

Mariah: Something horrible has happened!

Benny: You got yo' purriod?

Mariah: What? No, that's not it...

Benny: Then, what is it, Boo Boo?

Mariah: (crying) it's my sister...Juliet's...Juliet's...

Benny: Lezzin' out?

(Mariah smacks him upside the head)

Mariah: NO! She dead, foo'!

Benny: Say what?

Mariah: I say to you, she dead!

Benny: (covers his mouth) Oh, shit...

Mariah: I know, right? Romeo ain't gon' be thrilled about this one fuckin' bit...where is he, anyway? I must tell dat wigga...

Benny: Romy at the poolhall on Lex and 4th. I'll take you to where he at.

Mariah: Thank you, Benny...I knew I could trust yo' ass...let's go...

(Benny and Mariah both walk off to the direction of the poolhall. Meanwhile, Friar Littrell awaits for his email to Romy to go through. The meter is at 12%.)

Friar: Oh, give me a God Damn break!

(he hears a fierce roar of thunder, and he cowers in fear.)

Friar: EEK! Sorry, O Lord...

(Mariah and Benny arrive at the poolhall. They stand there watching him take another shot.)

Romy: YES! I win again! Go me! Go me! Go me! Go me!

Mariah: Rome--

Romy: Go me! Go me! Go me! Go me--

Benny: ROMEO!

Romy: Go....go me! Go—what?

Mariah: There's something that we have to tell you...

Romy: (sits the pool stick down) what is it?

Mariah: It's about Juliet.

Romy: My shortie? My Boo Boo? What about her?

Mariah: (hangs her head down low)

Romy: ...I don't like the looks of that, Mariah...did she get married to dat Paris dude?

Benny: Worse.

Romy: The fucker knocked hu' up? Oh, I'mma get my gat, and I'mma shoot dat mu'fucka, and--

Mariah: NO! Julie....Juliet is dead.

Romy: ....finna get my .38, and----what?

Benny: Jay Jay died, man...last night.

(And from that moment on, Romeo's world started to collapse. He couldn't believe it: his beloved wife, taken from this world, at such a young age. The one person that made life worth living again...was gone.)

Romy: (holds his chest) Where...where is she?

Mariah: She's at the Capulet tomb now...go and say your Last Rites to her...

(Without letting her finish, he runs out of the club, gets in his Durango, and drives off towards the Capulet mansion.)

(The Friar started to lose patience, for the meter is now at...30%.)

Friar: I SURE wish I had a phone...this sucks!

(He sat at his chair, tapping his feet and hums the song “Welcome Home, You”)

(Meanwhile at the mansion, Mother and Father Capulet called Paris to their home. Paris was less than thrilled about Juliet's 'passing'. In fact, he was on his knees, crying and preaching his love for her in Spanish.)

Paris: AYY! NO!! mi DULCE MANZANITA!!! Why you gotta die...? 'Uh? Why today?! Our wedding day?! POR QUE, MI AMOR?! POR QUE?!?!

(the mother and father just looked at him, crying along with him)

Father: We knew how much you loved her...

Paris: Yes...I loved her more than life itself, and now...(crying again) where is her now lifeless, virginal body?

Mother: In the tombs.

Paris: I must say my last goodbyes...*he takes out a solemn white rose* Please...

Father: Go.

(Paris gets up off the floor, and brushes himself off. He then says goodbye to the Capulets, and leaves the mansion.)

Paris: (heads towards the tomb, which was in the outside basement of the Capulet house.) My beloved Julietta...you had the most radiant booty—I mean beauty I have ever laid eyes upon, and now...you're gone...and that booty—beauty is forever wasted...

(he kneels down, and kisses her cheek and forehead)

Paris: Ohh, my Love...my most precious life...(he snuggles his face against her bosom, and inhales.)

Paris: God, you smell so good...you smell like pineapples...

(Romeo is now found at a local drug shop, looking for the strongest poison, so he may join his wonderous Juliet in death. He walks up to the counter, and waits for anyone that might help him.)

Apothecary: May I help you?

Romy: (looks up) Huh? Oh, yeah. Um, I just found out that my wife died this morning, and I would like some of your strongest heroin.

Apothecary: Alright then. Let me guess: you two are star cross'd lovers whose families are goin' at it for no reason?

Romy: Bingo.

Apothecary: I see. I get those all the time. Here. (he hands him a bag of white powder.) Snort, or smoke this up, and you'll join your lover in death in no time. On the contrary, this may not get you to your wife in heaven, since you'll be taking your own life, and therefore will end up in Hell--

Romy: I'll do whatever it takes!

Apothecary: (thinking) Man, he ain't the shiniest bead on the rosary, is he?

(Romy gives him a $100 bill, but he pushed it away.)

Apothecary: No. It's on the house.

Romy: Thanks, man...

(And with that, he bids the Apothecary adieu, and runs out towards the Capulet Mansion.)

(Meanwhile, at the church.)

Friar: WORK, DAMNIT WORK!!!

(The meter FINALLY made it to 100%, and the email is now sent. But little did the priest know that Romeo will never know of the plan, and that he's planning on joining his lover in death.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(At the Capulet tomb, Paris lies next to Juliet's 'lifeless' body, singing Hero by Enrique Iglesias. Tears started to fill his eyes, for she's dead, and the fact that he wanted to make love to a young virgin.)

Paris: You can take...my breath away...OHH, this is not fair! I was to be your little Private Dancer, Mamita...why did you have to die, 'uh? This ain't right!

(Again, he places his head upon her breasts, and sighs happily) I can die riiiiiiiiight now...

(Romy arrives at the Capulet tomb, just in time of seeing it open. He carefully and quietly sneaks into the cave like tomb with his flashlight, beginning his search for his fair Juliet.)

Romy: She's gotta be around this mu'fucka somewhere...She has to be...

Paris: (he sits her up, and looks into her pale, angelic face) You could have had 13 of my babies, Julietta...Can I tell you their names? Ok. Jose, Fernando, Pari Jr., Pari Sr., Maria, Marcella, Kee Kee, Mario, Juvi, Cristobal, uh...Howito....um...Juliettina...and...Fernanda. They would have had your beautiful, long radiant, sexy ass brunette hair...*sniffles* And now....estas MUERTE! MUERTE!! (he starts to cry again)

(Meanwhile, Romy makes it to the last room of the tomb with the door marked, “Here Lies Juliet Capulet: Sister, Daughter, Future Lover of a Sexy Burrito Man.” This angered him to the utmost.)

Romy: When I get my hands on him, I'll--(Just then, he hears someone in the tomb talking and crying.) What the...? (Romy opens the door, and sees Paris kissing on Juliet's face.)

Paris: I love you, (MWAH) I love you! (MWAH) God, I LOVE YOU! (MWAH)

Romy: Get your greasy ass away from my woman!

Paris: (springs his head up) YOUR woman?

Romy: You heard me, mu'fucka...dat's my woman, man...and if you don't let her go, I'll bust a cap in yo' ass.
Paris: You don't have that CAJONES to do that to me: Paris Lopez-Rodrigo-Vicente-Lupito-Vasuega-Fernandez-Esposito-Ochito-Ochata-Consuelo-Algarron! I dare you to do it!

Romy: Ok. (Romeo takes out his .38, and aims it at his foot.) Now, Li'l Chihuahua...dance. (He shoots at his foot, which caused Paris to jump up and down)

Paris: AYY!! STOP!

Romy: Now, like I said...step away from the corpse.

Paris: Make me.

Romy: I thought I just did.

Paris: Yes, you did, but I'm a hardheaded lover, ya know...?

Romy: No.

Paris: Alright, then. Feel my Latin wrath, you EENFEEDEL!

Romy: ...(stands there, confused) It's Infidel.

Paris: I say that.

Romy: whatEVER...fuckin' die...(he shoots at him)

Paris: HA! You missed!

Romy: Would you just go?

Paris: NO! She is my virgin wife! I will stay here forever if need be!

Romy: You know what? FU—wait....did you just say...'VIRGIN wife”?

Paris: Yes, I don't think I stuttered, did I?

Romy: Man...where have YOU been?

Paris: What do you mean?

Romy: (laughs) if you think that Juliet's a virgin, you are sadly mistaken...

Paris: (drops his gun upon the ground)......what?

Romy: You see, Juliet and I are married, and we were bumpin' nasties the other night. OHHHHHH it was MAJIK!!

Paris: You mean...Juliet isn't--(turns around and looks at her body plastered onto the cold stone pedestal) a virgin?

Romy: Not by a long shot.

(Paris looks at Juliet, and then at Romeo, then at Juliet again.) Welp, it's about that time for me to say Adios.

Romy: What?

Paris: I was promised a virginal wife, and all this time, she wasn't one?

Romy: (shakes his head)

Paris: You...you had already been in MY shit!

Romy: Damn skrate...ha ha....thass' whassup.

Paris: I can't believe this shit!

Romy: NOW will you go?

(Paris looks up at him, and sighs heavily)

Paris: Yes...(Paris walks past Romy and leaves the tomb, slamming the door, hollering “this is BULLSHIT!” and cursing in Spanish. Romy shakes his head, giggling.)

Romy: What a fruity booty...(looks over at her) Jay Jay...(he rushes over to her, and holds her head to his chest.) My love...why did you have to leave me...? What have I done to deserve your death, huh? I didn't give you a good weed hookup? Wrong crotchless draws for your birthday? The Hpnotiq wasn't chilled enough? Tell me why you did it...(he cowers over her) why...?

(Ever so slowly, he slumps down and leans against the stone pedestal. He slips his hand in his pocket, and takes out the little bag the Apothecary gave him for free.) If this is the only way for me to be with my lover...then, so be it...(Upon the stone tiled ground, he empties out the contents, and separates them into slender lines. He hears a mumble, but he doesn't think anything of it. As he's about to lean down, and snort up the first line...she awakens.)

Juliet: Mmm....R...Romeo....

Romy: (stops himself) what the...? (turns around) JULIET!!! You're alive!

Juliet: Of course I am...I was never dead. You can thank Friar Littrell for that.

Romy: Really? I can't believe it...why didn't he tell me about this?

Friar: Because I have a slow ASS Internet connection.

Romy: Fri...thank you...

Friar: It's my pleasure...

Juliet: So...what now?

Romy: Do you want to stay here? And be ruled by your parents forever?

Juliet: HELL NO!

Romy: then, let's get outta here!

(Just then, The Lady and Lord Capulet and Montague rushes into the tomb. Thanks to Paris's uproar, he told everyone about Romeo and Juliet's forbidden love.)

Mother Capulet: When I get my hands on-

Father Capulet: They're GONE!

Father Montague: Really?

Mother Montague: They're gone?

Mother and Father Capulet: YES!

(The two quarreling families stood pondering and looking at one another.)

All: YAY! It's about goddamn time!

Father Capulet: The plan worked perfectly.

Paris: What plan?

Mother Capulet: The plan to get those two out of New York! They were too...too...

Father Montague: Ghetto?

Mother Capulet: YES! Thank GOD they're gone!

Paris: What about me?!

Father C: What about you?

(Paris runs out of the tomb, crying his eyes out.)

(We find Romy, Juliet, Mariah, Benny, and Cutie in Romy's Hummer, drinking 40's and smokin' weed.)

Romy: Ahhh.....na', DIS is livin', ain't it, Boo Boo?

Juliet: Ohh Romy, you are so right, baby...

Cutie: YEAH!! Dis da shit! 'Ey, Benny, turn on dat radio, playa. When I'ms high, I gots ta listen to my T.I.

Benny: You right, my nizzle...

(Everyone sits back and listens to T.I.'s 'smooth azz rap moves'. And at last, Romy and Juliet finally reunited, and spending the rest of their lives doing what they do best....

SKRATE UP CHILLIN'.

Da End. Fo' sho'.