Mark 11: 25 - And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

It’s my… seventh day in rehab I believe, and my typing progress hasn’t really changed. I’m still at less than twenty words per minute. My mom has come to visit me today. She said I’m making great progress, though I fail to see what she means. Today was board game day and we decided to play Scrabble. Playing that game made me really frustrated because it made me realize something… I can’t spell some words as quickly and efficiently as I used to. I even remember getting stuck spelling this one simple word. Since I know this is my personal journal and no one will ever see this, I think I can go ahead and say that I’m glad that the computer program has the automatic spell check thing that helps correct your misspelled words automatically. Like I just spelt “mispelt” instead of misspelled, and I was able to correct it.

Now since I see I’ve typed a lot in my first paragraph, I think it’s time for me to make a second paragraph. Anyway, did you notice my new scripture up top? I had asked my mom to find me a new scripture, because as you know I have to start off my journals with a new scripture, and she gave me this one. She said she got it from google. I think it’s a good one. With each passing day, I find myself reflecting more on scripture and I really feel like I’m getting closer to God. I’m beginning to allow myself accept the fact that I had forgiven them. I guess I should clarify that. When I forgave them, there was sincerity behind it. I learned my lesson, and honestly if there was no sincerity or truth behind my forgiveness, then I wouldn’t be here. I’m just having a hard time trying to grasp the fact that I actually forgave them, after all they did to me and put me through.

Some people still ask me how I could have ever forgave them for what they did to me, I mean part of me wonders that too. But I’ve come to realize that the old me would have seek revenge on them rather than turn the other cheek… the new me realized that forgiveness saved my life.

“Hey man, what are you doing sitting down man? There’s a horde of fine looking ladies out there on the dance floor and you’re over here molesting a glass of coke.”

AJ McLean looked down at the glass he had been swiveling on the table, noticing for the first time that he was fondling the glass. Before he replied, he downed the rest of his flat and watered down coke. “Got a call from Nick. He’s having issues with his brother and shit and instead of me trying to talk to him on my cell in the club, I told him to come down. From the sound of things, he could use a few drinks.”

“And ladies!” AJ’s good friend, Chris shrieked out. It was obvious that he was plastered. “Sexy ladies are the cure to everything in life.”

AJ eyed his friend up and down and chuckled, shaking his head. “Wow, I have truly corrupted you, haven’t I? Looks like I’ve lost my swagger to you, would you like to replace me in the group?”

Chris’ glazed eyes widened as he sluggishly pointed at himself, “Me, Chris, is being offered to replace THEE AJ McLean? Did someone spike your coke man?”

“I’m clean as a freaking whistle man.” he paused to look out towards the dance floor, where he saw a small group of girls gazing at them lustfully, using their body language to lure them onto the dance floor. “Well Chris, looks like you’ve got a few girls all worked up and waiting for you.” he said as he slapped a hand down on his friend’s shoulder.

Chris turned towards the group of girls AJ was referring to. “Oh yeah… see that brunette bombshell? A total freak. She’s a freaking tease hiding behind that innocence when she exudes a sexual force. You sure you don’t want to join me man? They feisty as hell.”

AJ simply shook his head, “Nah dude, you go ahead. I’m gonna wait here for Nick.”

Chris shrugged as he staggered towards the dance floor, “Suit yourself.”

AJ turned his attention back to the empty glass, “Can I get a refill on coke please?” he asked the bartender as he handed his glass over.

Right as he placed his head down in his hands, he felt a rather large presence make their way beside him. “Patron on the rocks please.” a deep voice asked as he settled himself right next to AJ.

AJ sighed, “You do know over the years I’ve managed to at least disguise myself a bit so I won’t stir up commotion.” When he didn’t hear anything from the man beside him, he continued. “And over the years you’ve kinda just… remained the same but I noticed you’re starting to stick out like a sore thumb. It isn’t everyday you see someone with a rather large man following them around everywhere. You do know you’ve become a celebrity yourself, right?” he finally turned to address Marcus, eyeing the glass of patron and ice in his hands, “And… you’re drinking on the job.”

“Can’t let you celebrities have all the fun, now can I?” Marcus cracked as he grabbed his drink and downed it. He shook his head and hissed as he felt the burning liquid course down his throat, “Man that’s some good shit.”

Over the years, the guys had gotten over the fact of checking in with AJ to make sure it was okay for them to drink. AJ had told them that they didn‘t have to confer with him. Just because he was sober, didn’t mean that they had to treat him any differently or for them to act any differently. He wanted them to remain as they were, drink if they please and just feel comfortable with having a good time when they were around him. One of the many things he had learned from rehab was that he didn’t have to be drunk or high on drugs to be having a good time.

“Well, since it looks like I’ll be driving us, why don’t you have another one?” AJ offered as he signaled the bartender to pour Marcus another glass of patron.

“Thanks man.”

“Don’t sweat it. Where were you by the way?”

“Had to piss like a fucking race horse, and a small scuffle had broken out near the bathrooms so I had to kinda just… shove my way through them to break them up. The perks of being a mac truck.”

“A mac truck huh?” AJ laughed as he caught a glimpse of Nick walking into the club. He stood near the entrance, scanning the club over before he finally began making his way through the crowd.

Marcus followed AJ’s eyes and saw Nick as well, “What’s he doing here?” he questioned as he took a sip of his drink.

“Dealing with some shit, so I invited him down.” AJ replied as he grabbed his phone to call Nick. He watched as Nick continued to wander through the crowd, and waited as his phone continued to ring. It took Nick a while to finally reach down towards his pocket and fish his cell phone out.

“Hello?” he saw Nick answer.

“Hey, we’re over here by the bar.” AJ replied as he stuck his hand up in the air.

Nick’s eyes scanned over the bar until he finally saw AJ sitting next to Marcus. He smiled, “Tell Marcus I said that he sticks out like a sore thumb.”

AJ laughed, “I already told him that.”

“Alright man, I’ll see you over there.”

AJ hung up his phone and glanced over at Marcus, he was ordering himself another glass of the same drink. “You do know if you get drunk and if something happens to me, you’d be completely useless?”

Marcus shook his head and finished his drink, “If anything, I fight better when I’m drunk. So, you’re in good hands.”

AJ chuckled and shook his head, “Says the drunken man.”

“Hey.” Nick greeted as he sat down next to AJ.

“Hey man, can I start you off with a drink?”

Nick cocked an eyebrow, a slight grin on his face, “Oh, so you work here now?”

“No, I just seem to be everyone’s personal bartender and D square tonight.”

“Well, if you say… I’ll take Wild Turkey honey on the rocks please.”

Once AJ relayed the order to the bartender, he turned his attention back to Nick. “So… has everything been settled?”

“Nope.” Nick simply replied as he grabbed his drink. “You know, just when I thought I had gotten my siblings all on the same page of leaving what’s in the past behind and moving forward, he decides to act out and do this… irrational move. He’s filing another lawsuit against my mother.”

AJ’s eyes widened, “What? Why?”

Nick shrugged, “In hopes to get back all the money that had been lost to that woman. As if money could fix and heal everything. Besides, he’s going after someone that has little to no credit to her name.”

“And how do your sisters feel about this?”

“They’re all like ‘oh Nickolas, he’s old enough now to make his own decisions…’ yadda yadda yadda… I know I’ve had my differences with my mother, some of the things she has done to me and the family are things I have yet to forgive and of course it’s hard to forget, but the bottom line is that she is still our mother, as much as I hate to admit it. I could never stoop down to her level, never. And that’s what Aaron is doing.”

AJ simply nodded, watching as the older man finished his drink and ordered another one. It was weird watching from a sober point of view, how one could simply try to drink their problems away. “I’m not sure if this is the right thing to tell you at the moment, but everything happens for a reason man… we normally don’t find out the consequences of our actions until after it’s been done. As a brother and the oldest, it is your job to look after the younger siblings and protect them, but you’re all in that point in your lives where all you can do is try.”

“Obviously I’m not trying hard enough.” Nick grumbled as he gulped the burning amber liquid down in one swig.

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think Aaron’s gonna go through with it.”

“Yeah? And what makes you think that.”

“Because I’ve always pegged Aaron to be a talker, not a walker.”

Nick sadly shook his head, “I don’t know about that man… seems like he’s been setting out to rebel against me in some sort of way.”

“I hate to tell you this Nick, but you’re getting a taste of your own medicine buddy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Think back to when we were 21 man… we were big talkers, hoping to grow big enough balls to actually do the walking as well. We were some assholes back then man. What’s happening now… is called karma. I can only imagine the day I get a kid… I’ll probably be calling you, crying hysterically telling you how my kid is playing fucking mind games with me and all this other shit.”

That caused Nick to bust out laughing, “You, crying? Oh man, that would be the day!”

“Yeah, well notice how I said ‘probably’, but hopefully not likely. I know you’d get a kick outta something like that.”

“Why would you think such a thing?” Nick asked his in sarcasm, noticing for the first time how his voice began to slur a bit. He felt a slight buzz coming on, but other than that felt fine. “Ugh, I gotta go drain the main vein.” he announced as he rose from his seat, suddenly feeling the pressure on his bladder. “I’ll be right back man.”

“Alright, I’m gonna go step out for a quick smoke.”

AJ watched as Nick sauntered off to the bathroom before he turned his attention back to Marcus, “I’m going out for a smoke Marc.”

“You think I’ll draw more attention to you if I follow you out?”

“Ain’t no one buggin’, so I highly doubt it.”

“Okay, hold on… let me order my last round and we’ll go.”

AJ watched as Marcus turned back to the bartender to order his sixth glass of patron. “Just meet me outside.” he said as he turned and began walking out towards the back exit of the club.

As he neared the exit, he saw a rather large bouncer standing near the back door, guarding it. Immediately, he reached for his pocket and pulled out a folded twenty bill, walking up to the bouncer and slipping the money to him by giving him a handshake. No words being said, the bouncer pushed the exit door opened and had allowed AJ to walk out. “Five minutes man.” he said.

AJ nodded as he stepped outside into the back part of the club, watching as the bouncer closed the door behind him. He looked around, noticing for the first time that the back exit of the club led out to a dark and wide alleyway. Reaching into the inside of his leather jacket, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes and shook a stick out. He placed and held the cigarette between his lips as he now patted himself down in search of his lighter. When he finally found it, he flicked it in hopes to produce a flame, but nothing happened.

Sighing heavily, he held the lighter up close to the cigarette and used his other hand to cup around his mouth so the chilly breeze wouldn’t blow his flame out. After a few attempts, he was finally able to get the lighter to work, quickly placing the tip of his cigarette over the small flicker, puffing on it to get the nicotine stick to burn. All of a sudden, he felt an arm wrap around his throat, jerking him back into another body that was now standing behind him.

“Don’t you fucking say anything.” the voice of the stranger whispered harshly as he now placed a blade at his throat.

AJ had dropped his lighter and cigarette when he was pulled back by the man, and was now standing stiff as a board behind his tight grip, eyes widened. He was mentally kicking himself, knowing he should have just waited for Marcus to finish his drink instead of coming out here alone. If only he had waited, he wouldn’t be in this unlikely predicament.

AJ tried to ease his racing heart, tried to compose himself enough to negotiate. “Look man, I don’t know what you want but…”

“I want you to shut the fuck up!” the man exclaimed as he pushed the blade deeper into AJ’s throat.

AJ’s breathing hitched upon feeling the sharp metal press deeper into his delicate flesh, deciding not to say another word.

“They’ll be here, they’ll be here…” he heard the man behind him begin to chant.

It took AJ a while to realize although the man’s grip was strong, his whole body was shaking, especially his hands. He figured if he didn’t calm himself, the shaking hand that held the knife to his throat would actually cut his flesh, just from the shaking alone. He wasn’t sure who the man was referring to when he said “they’d” be there, but he sure as hell didn’t want to find out.

Without thinking, he shoved himself backwards into the man, causing them to stumble backwards and slam into the wall. He felt his grip loosen a bit, and decided that was his chance to escape. Just as he slinked away from the man, he turned to sprint down the alley but was stopped by a group of men that was now standing before him.

“Going somewhere?” one of the men asked as he pulled out a gun and aimed it directly at AJ.

Eyes wide in fear, AJ rose his hands in surrender, slowly backing away from them. The man that was aiming his gun at him glanced over at the one who had restrained him earlier. “Get a fucking hold of yourself Josh, we got a job to do.”

AJ glanced over at the man that was now confirmed to be Josh, who was still doubled over, trying to regain his composure. “He shoved… me into… the wall.” he panted out.

The man who had the gun now transfixed his look back on AJ, “You let this little bitch run you over Josh?” he asked as he swiftly walked up to AJ and pistol-whipped him across the face. “You let this little fucking shit do that to you?”

AJ seethed at the pain that now coursed through the side of his face. Granted, the group of guys all appeared to be taller than him, but for the most part they were all scrawny, their only strength being able to hide behind the weapons they possessed.

The man bent a little to try and look AJ in the eyes, “Look at me.” he demanded.

Lifting his head slightly, AJ did was he was told, knowing that he wouldn’t get far at all if he rebelled. Upon looking at the man that stood before him, he caught a glimpse of one of his tattoos that ran across his throat. Seth.

“I’m gonna tell you what’s gonna happen.” the man, who he assumed to be Seth, said. “You are going to die. Take a good look at our faces because this is the last thing you’re going to see. You will die a slow, horrible and excruciating death at the hands of one man and one man only. Okay?”

AJ tried not to show any fear as he now glared him. Seth simply smirked, “You no longer seem afraid, I like that. Well, be ready to welcome death my friend.” he straightened himself up and snapped his fingers, pointing towards his group of men. “Elijah.”

AJ glanced over at the group to see a rather short and scrawny… boy step out from the group. He looked to be 18 or so, and with one look in his eyes you could tell he was very scared. Seth reached out for the young boy and grabbed him by his shoulders, yanking him and walking him towards AJ.

“This is it Lij… all that you’ve been taught, all that you’ve been preparing for comes down to this. This is your initiation, to become one of us. Using your skills that you’ve been taught, you will draw blood and taste it, you do not stop until you have taken his last breath from him. You will show your victim no mercy.” and with that, he shoved Elijah towards AJ.

AJ watched as the group of men now slowly retreated, now leaving just him and Elijah standing there, staring each other down. “Be like the serpent, and make the first deadly move.” Seth demanded.

AJ stared deep into Elijah’s eyes, being able to sense his uneasiness and nervousness, his inexperience and deep fear. Deep down inside, he knew Elijah did not want to do what he was being told to do, what he truly wasn’t capable of doing, but on the outside was a different story. He was corrupted, and only one of them would be able to walk away from this scene; Elijah was determined to be that one.

Before AJ could prepare himself, Elijah made the first lethal strike.

Sighing heavily, Nick walked out of the bathroom, feeling relieved and ready to take on more drinks. As he began walking back to the bar, he found himself trying to get through a sudden forming crowd that was trying to get to the back exit.

Puzzled, he glanced around at the people that were pushing past him, until he finally reached out to grab a man just as he passed. “What’s going on?” he yelled over the commotion.

“Some crazy shit’s going on outside man.” the man yelled back as he pulled away from Nick and continued on towards the back exit.

Disregarding it, he continued to make his way through the crowd over to where he saw Marcus, still seated at the bar.

“What number is this?” he asked as he sat down beside Marcus, watching him down another glass.

“Eight.” Marcus slurred as he slammed his glass down, waiting for someone to refill his cup.

Nick glanced around, noticing for the first time that AJ was gone. “Hey, where’s Jay?”

“He went out back for a smoke.”

Nick’s eyes widened upon hearing that, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Marcus shot a look over at him, “Yeah, why man? Is he not allowed to smoke either?”

“Fuck man, we gotta find him.” was all Nick said as he shot up and began walking to where people were now fighting to get to.

Marcus turned in his seat to see the commotion going on behind him for the first time, “Shit, what the hell is going on?” When he realized that Nick was making his way over towards the fighting crowd, he quickly shot out of his seat and grabbed Nick by the arm before he could proceed any further. “What in the hell are you doing? You fittin’ to get yourself wound up and lost in that mob?” he asked, feeling himself sober up a bit.

“You said AJ went to go smoke out back. On my way back, I had stopped a man to ask him what was going on and he said some shit was going down outside and look where they’re to get.” Nick said as he pointed towards the back exit.

“Oh fuck.” Marcus mumbled as he let Nick go and quickly began shoving himself through.

Nick tried to keep up with him, but try as he might he just wasn’t big enough to fight through the crowd like Marcus had been able to do. He received a few hits from other people here and there, but disregarded it in his haste to find his friend and make sure he was okay. When they finally reached the back exit, they were stopped by a large bouncer, standing in front of the door.

“Excuse me, we have to get out there.” Nick spoke as he took a step forward.

“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot let anyone in nor anyone out. It’s too dangerous.”

“So instead of trying to break up the fight that’s happening in here you’re gonna stand in front of this fucking door?” Nick snapped, now getting into the face of the bouncer.

Marcus quickly reeled Nick back, “Cool it.” he muttered to him as he turned his focus back on the bouncer. “Look, I’m not sure if you knew but you have celebrities in your club and I happen to be a bodyguard. One of the celebrities I’m guarding stepped out back for a smoke, and I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I need to get to him and make sure everything’s okay.”

“I don’t know what the situation is out there, all I know is that people were starting a riot for god knows what and I’d be putting a lot of people at risk if I were to open these doors and let you guys out or let the ones who were outside in. As soon as we get this place settled, I’ll let you out.”

“By then it’ll be too late. Just let me out, you make sure no one follows me out and I’ll make sure no one gets in, okay?”

The bouncer sized Marcus up and down and decided that he could hold his own. “Alright man, but no reentry once I let you out.”

“Reentry is far from my minds.” Marcus said as he scooted closer to the door. “Nick, I want you to stay in here.”

“The hell I am!” Nick shouted as he moved closer to Marcus.

“It’s for your safety…” Marcus tried to explain, but Nick cut him off.

“Fuck that man, lets just go.”

As soon as the bouncer opened the door, both Marcus and Nick rushed out to find a group of men hovering over something, or rather someone, watching as one person continued to kick whatever or whomever it was on the ground.

“Oh god.” Nick choked out.

“What the hell is going on?” Marcus roared, causing all of the men to turn and face him.

“Nothing of your concern fat ass, so just take a walk.” one of the guys replied.

Nick looked down at the person they were crowded around and gasped when he realized who it was. “AJ!” he screamed as he pushed pass Marcus to make his way over to his injured friend.

One of the men quickly wielded out a knife and stepped forward to stop Nick from proceeding any further, but Nick didn’t stop. His concentration solely on his friend, he failed to see the man with the knife and only felt searing pain when the sharp blade slashed across his forearm.

“Back away Nick.” Marcus shouted as he now made his way over towards the group, hoping that the men would feel intimidated and back down, but they hid cowardly and stood bold behind their weapons.

“Fine… if you guys won’t leave, then we’ll just fucking take you out.” Seth said as he reached for his gun.

Before anything could be done, they all fell silent to hear the shrill sound of sirens fill the night air. “Fuck, cops.”

As the group quickly dispersed and ran off into the night, Seth remained there, pulling his hand away from his gun to point at both Nick and Marcus, “I’ll fucking find you guys and we’ll finish what we started.” He looked down at the immobile body that laid crumbled beneath him. “Fuck you.” he said as he spat at him, then turned to walk away.

Nick ignored the throbbing pain that now coursed through his arm and knelt down beside AJ, afraid to touch him, afraid to find out if he was still alive. Through the pale light of the alleyway, he could see gaping lacerations that decorated his flesh, his eyes and face swollen beyond recognition, painted with a dark blue, angry purple, and fierce red. As his eyes continued to trail downwards, he noticed that some parts of his clothes were torn open, blood seeping through the fabric. His arms were enflamed as well, covered in dark bruises and small gashes. At that moment, AJ looked completely broken, beyond repair.

“Oh my god…” Nick cried out, tears streaming down his face. With shaky hands, he slowly reached out to the torn figure that no longer looked to be his friend, trying to figure a way to find out if he was still alive. He quickly jerked his hands back when he noticed the unsteady rise and fall of his chest, allowing his loud thumping heart to quite for a while to hear the shallow wheezing coming from his friend.

“He needs help… we gotta get him help, god we gotta do something!” Nick sobbed, his voice already going hoarse. The sirens that were coming were now getting louder and louder, “HELP!!” he screamed out in a rasp, hoping they could hear him and would hurry. “He needs help…” he whimpered this time.

Marcus stood there, rooted to the ground in complete and utter shock. There, his best friend, laid mangled and on the edge of death… all because of him. He had allowed himself to get lost in his drinking and had failed to do the very thing he was called to do, which was protect him. Because of him, his best friend was dying. His eyes clouded with tears, anger and shame, he glowered off into the darkness, to the path Seth had taken off to. Without a word, he walked off, leaving Nick and AJ behind.

Nick glanced up for a moment to catch Marcus leaving them, “Marc?” he called out through his tears, but got no response. “Where are you going? Don’t leave us here, please man. AJ fucking needs us, he needs help you can’t just leave him. I can’t do this on my own, please fucking help me!” he screamed, but it was no use. Before he knew it, Marcus disappeared into the night.

Nick’s body was wracked harder with sobs now, being left alone to try and help his severely injured friend. “Stay with me Alex…” he whispered, touching the torn flesh of his face for the first time. He winced, being able to feel the pain AJ must’ve felt from being touched, but he didn’t react. “They’re almost here, we’re gonna get you help buddy… you’re gonna be okay.”

“It’s gonna be okay Alex… you’re gonna be okay, just hold on for me buddy.”

“I’m going to have you step back sir so we can work on him.”

“I wasn’t there for him the first time, and I’m not about to make the same fucking mistake twice in one night.”

“I understand that you are very concerned and worried, but you need to wait out here and let us help your friend. I promise we’ll keep you updated on his condition.”

“He’s gonna… he’s gonna be okay, right?”

“… we’re going to do the best we can sir.”

That was the last words he was left with before they separated him from his friend. “We’re going to do the best we can.” They don’t say “sometimes your best isn’t enough” for nothing. That statement alone left him with all these burdening possibilities, and for some reason, all of them were negative.

“Stop it Nickolas.”

Nick turned to see Howie staring straight forward, his expressions unreadable. “What?”

“You’re looking for someone to blame… and you want to be the one to gladly take it.” Howie finally looked over at him, his dark eyes glazed over.

“I should’ve been out there with him Howie… there was so much things I should’ve done, but I didn’t. Who the fuck else can I blame?”

“Try the low life scum fuck heads that put him here in the first place.” Howie replied in a low, malicious tone.

Nick winced upon hearing his choice of words. “Yeah? Well, I point a blame on someone, I also got three fingers pointing back at me.”

Howie abruptly flew out of his chair and was standing in front of Nick within a matter of seconds, “Fine then, this is all your fucking fault Nick!”

Nick’s eyes widened upon hearing Howie scream at him like that. Luckily they were placed in a private waiting room, which spared the public from seeing this outburst that would definitely make front pages. “What the fuck is your problem man?” Nick fired back, standing up and glaring down at Howie.

“You’re my fucking problem! You’re the reason my best fucking friend is in this hospital, fighting for his god damn life because you weren’t there for him you asshole!” Howie screamed, not caring that spit was flying.

Brian had since rose from his chair, hesitating to intervene, but standing behind Howie, ready to jump in and stop it if it were to get physical. Nick opened his mouth to retaliate, but nothing came out.

Howie continued, “You might as well have landed those punches and kicks yourself because leaving him alone has got to be by far the worse pain you could have placed him in. He’s dying because of you Nick… how does that feel?” He suddenly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and shoved the taller man into the wall behind them with ease.

Brian immediately tried to intervene, but Howie refused to release his grasp. With a death glare on Nick, Howie leaned in a whispered, “Is that what you fucking wanted to hear?”

When he pulled back to look at Nick, he had seen that his eyes were filled to the brim with unshed tears. “Yes.” Nick replied in a shaky, uneven voice.

“This isn’t about you… get that through your fucking head.” and with that, Howie released his grip on Nick’s collar, turning to walk right out of the room.

The door suddenly opened, revealing a somber Kevin. Before he could even walk into the room, Howie walked out, brushing past him as he went by. “Howie, where are yo-” he tried to ask, but stopped when he realized that Howie wasn’t going to stop to answer his question.

Kevin glanced Nick and Brian over, wondering what the hell had just transpired. Nick looked torn and disheveled while Brian looked to be at a complete loss with everything. He was contemplating on going after Howie, and came to his decision when his cousin gave him a slight nod. Without a word, he turned and left the room, closing the door behind him.

After a few moments of silence, Brian turned his attention back to Nick, who was still standing flush against the wall. “What’s going on with you?”

The tears that simply welled up within his eyes now cascaded freely down his cheeks, leaving a burning hot red trail. “I killed him Brian.”

“AJ is not dead, he’s gonna pull through this.”

“Howie was right… he’s dying, because of me.”

“No, he was right when he said that this isn’t about you. Don’t you get it Nick? The only reason he said those things in the first place was to make you realize that you’re living in self-pity right now. This wasn’t your fault Nick… it was an unfortunate event that was bound to happen one way or another.”

“How can you sit here and act as if everything’s okay Brian? As if our fucking brother isn’t on his deathbed right now?”

Brian glanced away, to which Nick thought that was his way of saying he had no answer. Nick brushed past his friend and collapsed down in a chair, burying his face into his hands.

“I live by faith Nick… the only thing that remains standing strong when everything else crumbles down around you. Now I ask you, how can you act as if everything will not be okay? There were many times in my life where I have been angry with God, where I blamed Him for anything bad that ever happened, even questioned Him why… but I have never ever doubted God. Thinking everything is not okay and won’t be, you’re doubting God… you’re doubting that AJ will pull through this. And if that’s the case… then yes, AJ will be dying because of you.”

Nick stared long and hard at his best friend, letting his words register deep within him. Brian sighed, “And I don’t act as if everything is okay… I believe that it will be.”

Silence had befallen them once again, but was soon broken at the sound of the door opening. Both Brian and Nick looked over towards the opening door, Nick’s eyes widening upon seeing the same female doctor that had separated him from AJ.

He quickly pushed himself away from the wall, “How is he?” he immediately asked, hoping she had information on his condition.

The female doctor sighed, “I know I said I’d keep you informed on his condition, but the truth is that I can’t release that information to you. I need to address his immediate family first before anything. I’m sorry.”

Nick’s eyes blazed in anger, “You fucking had us waiting in here to tell us that you can’t tell us shit about our brother? You fucking promise me that you’d let me know his condition.”

“I know and I shouldn’t have. It’s a standard protocol I must abide by, and at that moment my main concern was to get Mr. Alexander James McLean into the operating room and I had basically said anything to get you to allow us to render aid to Mr. McLean. I know I was wrong, but it was either that or administrating sedatives to gain control of the situation.”

“So you fucking lie to all your patients relatives to get your way? What kind of fucking hospital is this?” Nick exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis.

“Nick.” Brian said in a warning tone as he pulled Nick back to calm down. He turned his focus back on the doctor, who looked remorseful. “Please excuse him, as you can imagine this is very hard on all of us. Now Doctor…”

“Barker.”

“Barker… I understand that it’s standard protocol for you to solely address the immediate family, but isn’t there anything you can tell us? Please?”

Dr. Barker sighed heavily, “Do you know where any of his immediate family members are at the moment?”

“Last I heard, his mother and stepfather had caught the soonest flight out here. Frankly, we’ve been here for hours waiting for him and the least we want to know is if he’s… if he’s still here. Could you at least just tell us that much?”

Dr. Barker abruptly turned her head away, avoiding eye contact with the other man. She glanced deep into his blue orbs before she finally whispered an answer.

“Barely.” and with that, she turned and left the room.

Howie continued to walk briskly, not caring that Kevin was in tow. All he knew was that he had to get out of that hospital and pull his thoughts together. He wasn’t himself at the moment, how could he when his best friend was fighting for his life? He’s lost too many people in his life, from his sister to his father, and even lost Alex to AJ; but unlike his father and sister, his best friend was given a second chance, and he was about to lose him again.

It wasn’t until he felt the cool breeze of the night air did he realize that he led himself and Kevin outside. He knew there was no way of escaping Kevin, even if he wanted to, so he continued to walk to let both he and Kevin to a secluded place to talk. He finally came to a stop in the dark empty part of the parking lot, located off to the side of the hospital.

Kevin stared at Howie, who had his back facing him. After a long moment of silence, Kevin took a deep breath in and sighed, “Should I ask what happened?”

“AJ was mobbed.” Howie simply replied.

“That’s… not what I’m talking about Howard.”

Just like how AJ and Nick didn’t like when people said their full name, he felt the same way. The three of them would normally wince when they heard someone say their name fully, for it normally meant one was either disappointed in them, or dead serious about something. The truth was, he knew exactly what Kevin wanted to know, he just didn’t want to talk about it at the moment.

“Then I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about what transpired between you and Nick… why you suddenly left the room just as I was getting in? The way both you and Nick looked at that moment… I knew something had apparently went down before I got there.”

Howie refused to turn and face Kevin. “I told Nick that it was all his fault that AJ’s here in the first place.”

Kevin’s eyes widened, “What? Why the hell would you do that? This is not Nick fault and you…”

“I know that.” Howie finished off, causing Kevin’s face to contort in puzzlement. “I know that it’s not his fault Kevin, I knew it even when I said it. I told him that because it was something he wanted to hear. He was sitting there, blaming himself when I told him that he should start blaming those fuckers that did this to AJ. But still he sat there, taking blame… wanting self-pity and I wasn’t going to give it to him. You wanna know why? Because this situation isn’t about him, and he couldn’t get that through his head. Instead of sitting there, more than willing to take the blame so everyone can feel sorry for you and console you, how about getting on your knees and praying to God that AJ will be okay? I will admit, I didn’t approach and respond the way I should have, but it was all these feelings stirring up inside me that had caused me to act the way I did. I know I have to apologize to him Kevin, but not right now… AJ’s my main concern.”

“How do you feel right now D.?”

Howie sighed heavily, “I don’t know… I don’t even know.” he finally turned around to face Kevin, the dim rays of the street lights revealing welled up tears within his eyes. “I’ve lost my sister, I’ve lost my father… I can’t lose my best friend, not like this. God can’t take him away from me right now, because if He does… He would be the one I would never forgive, and I know I’d hate Him Kevin.”

“Howard.” Kevin whispered as he approached his lost friend and embraced him in a tight hug. He felt Howie grasp him back, clutching desperately as if almost afraid to let go. “You cannot lose your faith Howard. All of this is not God’s doing, and as much as I hate to say this, if Alex decides to go then that’s his decision alone. God will be there to guide him home. If Alex decides to come back to us, we gotta be there to guide him home. Do you see how this works? It’s all up to Alex right now, and all we can do is help him by praying. But whatever Alex decides to do… you do not hate God for it, you do not hate those that did this to him, you do not even hate Alex.”

Howie slightly rose his head from Kevin’s now soaked shoulder, “How do you seem okay with everything? Still composed and intact to say all the right things.”

Kevin sighed, “I’m far from okay Howie… far from it.”

Howie backed away to look into Kevin’s eyes, to hear his story.

“When I got the call… of course I was shocked, and I didn’t know what to do. Do I… drive to the hospital to see him in this condition? Do I drive to the club to figure out exactly what had happened and try to find these guys myself? Do I just stay home and wait for someone to call me with an update? Deep down inside Howie, I felt the same guilt Nick’s feeling… if only I had been there, perhaps none of this would have happened. My mind was such a mess that Kristin had just about made the decision for me and was ready to grab Mason and drive me down here to the hospital. I told her no, that I needed to go by myself and get my thoughts together. Of course she was scared of letting me go off in a car by myself, in the condition I was in, but I reassured her that everything would be okay and that I’d call her and let her know when I had arrived. The problem was, I still had no clue where I would go. I jumped into the car and just stared driving, my mind was still this jumbled mess. I honestly don’t even remember anything but driving, but my heart had guided me to where I knew I needed to be. Next thing I knew, I was sitting outside of the hospital. I called my wife, and hearing her words while sitting outside of the hospital had helped me to finally ease my racing mind and sort everything out. I had finally let go of the tears I desperately tried to pent up, and knew I had to compose myself before I walked in. I’m not okay, but I know I have to remain strong for Alex.”

Howie nodded, letting his story register within his mind. “I’m trying Kevin, I really am.”

“No one’s expecting anything from you, not even Alex. This is extremely hard for me, so I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for you, but… we’re all in the same boat here, so we gotta be here for one another, most importantly… we gotta be here for Alex. That’s all that matters right now man.”

Howie gave a slight smirk, “Thanks man. You always know just what to do to keep us grounded.”

Kevin smiled as well and shook his head, “No man, that’s all you, Mr. Peacekeeper… but you know, even Superman needs a break.”

Howie chuckled as they both turned to make their way back towards the hospital. “So… any word about Denise?” Kevin asked as they walked through the sliding entrance doors.

“Brian had told me that her and Tony booked the soonest flight out here.”

“Did he say anything about how she was holding up?”

Howie shrugged, “Well, of course the hospital made the call to her, so by the time Brian had got in touch with her, she was aware of the situation and he said she sounded extremely worried, as you can imagine, but seemed pretty collected.”

As they neared the private waiting room, they could hear Nick’s voice shouting from behind the closed door. Kevin sighed heavily, “What am I gonna walk into now?”

Kevin slowly opened the door to reveal Nick sitting on a chair, his head down looking at the hand he was cradling. Brian was crouched down in front of him, whispering words in hopes to comfort the torn man, but nothing seemed to work.

“It’s fucking my fault Brian… Howie was right.”

Howie stood there, guilt plaguing his heart. He didn’t mean for Nick to believe his words, he was hoping his erratic actions would do the opposite.

“He’s fucking barely alive because of me…”

“Nickolas.” Kevin called out, “Don’t say that.”

Nick immediately shot his head up, revealing red, tear-stained eyes. Without another word, he quickly rose from his chair and walked over to Howie, simply grabbing him in a tight hug. “I’m sorry Howie… I’m so fucking sorry man.”

Howie stood there in shock, his arms not cooperating with him to wrap around the weeping man. He glanced over at Kevin, who only gave him a slight nod.

“No Nick… I should be the one that’s sorry, I didn’t mean any of the things I said, I only said it because…”

“No.” Nick quickly interjected. “You’re right Howie, you’re fucking right. The doctor even said it man.”

“The doctor said what?” Howie asked as he pulled away from Nick to look him in the eyes.

Before anything could be said, the door was opened again, revealing a nurse behind it. “Excuse me, but… is everything alright?”

Kevin nodded, “Yes ma’am, sorry for any yelling you may have heard.”

“Oh, it’s just we heard this loud banging sound and wondered if anything had happened.”

Howie and Kevin immediately looked over at Nick, who was looking down sheepishly. “Nick?” Kevin asked in a warning tone, for the first time being able to see how swollen Nick’s right hand was, the skin on his knuckles torn open and bleeding.

Howie glanced around the room and saw the gaping hole in the wall, something they had not seen upon walking into the room. The nurse looked over at Nick’s hand as well, “Would you like me to take care of that sir?”

“No, I’m fine.” Nick abruptly replied, turning to walk back towards Brian, as if he would protect him.

“Nick, you’re not fine, your hand looks broken. Just let her take a look at it.”

“I said I’m fucking fine, it doesn’t hurt.”

“I’m not asking you no more, I’m telling you. Do not make me repeat myself Nickolas.”

Nick growled low in his throat as he briskly walked past everyone, walking right out of the room. “If he gives you a hard time, which he knows better, just let me know and we’ll pay for the damages.” Kevin whispered to the nurse before she followed Nick out.

Once the door closed and everything was settled into silence, both Howie and Kevin turned to look at Brian, who was now sitting in a chair, head in his hands.

“What happened now?” Kevin asked.

Brian looked up from his hands and sighed, “AJ’s doctor came in not long before ya’ll came back.”

“And?” Howie questioned anxiously.

“Well, at first she said she couldn’t tell us anything because she had to speak with immediate family first. But after pleading to at least get something out of her, if should could tell me if he was still here or not, she finally broke down and told me barely.”

Kevin immediately turned to look at Howie, who had his eyes clenched closed, biting his lower lip to keep his emotions in check. Brian continued, “Of course Nick reacted towards the news and ended up punching the wall. I tried calming him down, and that’s when you guys walked in.”

“So, I’m guessing we’re not finding out anything else nor are we going to be able to see him until Denise gets here, huh?” Kevin questioned.

Brian nodded, “You guessed right.” With a sigh, he rose from his seat. “I’m gonna head over to the nearest hotel and rent us out a room… we’re gonna be here for a while.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Kevin asked, looking his younger cousin over and contemplating if he should let him go alone or not.

Brian looked up at Kevin and gave a small grin, his eyes looking distant and weary. “I’ll be fine, just need to give myself time to let this all… register, you know? I’ll be back though.” and with that, he left the room.

Kevin looked over at Howie, “Do you think it was a good idea that I let him off by himself? He didn’t look to be in the best condition to be driving.”

Howie shook his head, “We all need a moment to ourselves Kevin, this is so… surreal to us that we need to find a way to let this all register within our minds, and being by ourselves is the only way for us to rationally gather our thoughts and ourselves together. I’ve had my moment, you’ve had your moment, even Nick’s had his moment… poor Brian has been here, had talked to Denise, had to deal with me and Nick’s little fallout, and now had to try and settle Nick. It’s all just slowly wearing him down and he’s trying so hard to remain strong for the sake of us and AJ.”

Kevin nodded, finding what Howie was saying to make sense. “Can’t help than to be worried about you all.”

“Yeah, especially your cousin. I would just love to know… what keeps the two Kentucky cousins strong through all of this?”

“Faith and AJ.” Kevin simply replied. “Faith in God, that He will bring us all through this and like I said, just remaining strong for AJ and believing and praying that he will pull through. There are things in this world that’ll test your endurance, your strength, your belief, your faith… and although we struggle and lose sight for a moment, we eventually prevail and realize this is a test we do not want to fail, we will not fail.”

Howie grinned and shook his head, “You never cease to amaze me Kevin.”

“What?”

“Just… thank you.”

Before Kevin could say anything, Nick walked through the door and entered the room, a full on black cast that ran from his forearm down to his hand.

“What’s the verdict on that?” Kevin asked as he pointed to Nick’s injured hand.

“A small fracture in the wrist and broke three of my knuckles. They were able to determine this without doing an x-ray, don’t ask me how.” Nick replied as he walked further into the room and sat himself down on a chair.

“Well, they are doctors Nick… I think they know a fractured wrist and broken knuckles when they see it, besides they spared you a hospital bill.” Howie said.

Nick sighed, “I know, but… was this freaking cast really necessary? They just put the damn thing on and already the cast is making my arm itchy.” he said through gritted teeth as he desperately tried to scratch the flesh covered by the offending cast. “I seriously hate casts.”

“Well, as soon as Brian gets back, you’ll have a bed you can flop down on and just fall asleep to help take your mind off the itching.” Kevin said as he watched the younger man tried to take the cast off. “Leave it alone Nick.”

Nick huffed and did as he was told, “What do you mean? Where did Brian go?”

“He went to rent out a room at the hotel down the street. By the looks of things, Denise won’t be here until tomorrow, and there’s really nothing the doctors can do for us or say to us until Denise gets here, so we might as well just stay in a room nearest to the hospital.”

“Well, you guys can go because I’m not going anywhere… I’m staying here.”

“Nick, you staying here isn’t gonna convince the doctors to let you see AJ, there’s nothing they can do for us until Denise gets in tomorrow. We’ll be back here first thing tomorrow morning, I promise.”

“I’m not staying here so the doctors can pity me, I’m staying here because this is where AJ is and this is where I need to be. I don’t expect you to understand my decision, but I at least ask you to respect it.”

Kevin glanced around the room, “Where are you even gonna sleep?”

“I’ll sleep in these chairs for all I care.” Nick simply replied. “All I know is that I’m not leaving this hospital.”

Kevin didn’t want to fight with Nick, but at the same time he really didn’t want Nick to stay here. “You’re gonna wake up with the worse stiff neck ever.”

“I don’t care.”

Kevin stared long and hard at Nick, seeing that he was determined to stay here, no matter what anyone said or did, no matter what painful consequences he’ll be facing later. When he glanced over at Howie, he gave him a slight nod. “Alright man… well, if you need anything, just give us a call. We’re gonna go outside and wait for Bri.”

Nick nodded, “Night guys.”

When the door closed, Nick glanced around at the now large, empty waiting room, suddenly hating the silence. He looked down at the large, black cast that encased his right hand and forearm. There was a dull ache that was coursing through his right hand, but he smiled at the thought of how AJ would be the first one to bug him to sign his cast. He could see AJ buying a silver sharpie and drawing a bunch of skulls all over his black cast.

“You’ll be the first one to sign my cast buddy… I’ll be waiting for you.”