Have you ever stopped to look back on your life and wonder how you ended up where you are today? I have. It seems crazy when I start to think about it and yet at the same time it somehow feels so right. I used to never believe the saying “everything happens for a reason”. Then one day I realized I was starting to lose control of my life and loosing myself in a way. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more confusing, my life took a 180 degree turn in a direction I never would have predicted. I mean, if you asked me even a year ago what I thought I would be doing today, I can guarantee you my answer would not have been hanging out with my boyfriend on his tour bus. Why don’t I rewind a little bit for you and let you know about my crazy journey that brought to where I am today and more importantly, who I am.

My name is Rhea Grace McKenzie and I was born and raised in a small town in Ontario, Canada. When I was younger I always said I wanted to move to a big city and live life in the fast lane. I wanted to go to school in Toronto or New York and be that hip girl you see making her way through the busy streets and subways like a breeze because she knows every corner of the city like the back of her hand. Then, as I got older and reality started to kick in, I began to realize that living that life might not be as easy as I had hoped. And I learned really fast that reality is not always all it’s cracked up to be. Reality is hard and mean.

You see, when I was little I think I had it pretty good. My Mom, Dad, Brother and I lived in the cliché perfect house with the picked fence and a pool. I had friends, I was healthy and life was good. As I got older all that started to change. When I was six, my parents got divorced. Away went the perfect house and the perfect family. Along came apartments and weekend visitations with my Dad. But I was young so I bounced back quickly. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, life decided I could handle a few more curve balls and blessed me the joy of glasses. It might not sound so bad but back then the glasses I wore took up almost half of my little eight year old face. To make matters worse, just two short years later along came the braces. Now throw in the fact that my parents were divorced and we couldn’t afford designer clothing, which just my luck, was all the rage at the time. Oh and I forgot to mention; since I am from a small town, I had gone to school with the exact same people my whole life and the entire class consisted of no more than fifteen kids. So, imagine showing up to the sixth grade, when everyone is going through puberty and bullying is at its prime, and I was basically your quintessential image of a geek. Let’s just say I was an easy target.

I think the worst part was the fact that the people who picked on me were my so called friends. Do you know how confusing and hurtful it is to not know what to expect every day you walk through those dreaded school doors? One day you are accepted with hugs and you spend the day in the “in crowd” and then just when you get your hopes up you’re squashed back to nothing the very next day. Have you have ever heard the saying “kids can be cruel”? That’s an understatement! I won’t go into detail about what I endured as young girl but I could tell you very specifically everything incident I every experienced and exactly who did it. I still wonder to this day if those people really now the scars I carry inside because of what they did. The point I’m trying to make is that everything that happened to me in grade school affected me deeply and I truly believe had a huge part in shaping me into the person I am today.

You see, when all the bullying started I began to shut down. I became extremely introverted. I was always known as the quiet, shy girl; the nice one. I felt like if I didn’t bring attention to myself I wouldn’t be a target. If I was always nice to people, no matter how much they hurt me, then maybe they would be nice back. If I buried myself in school work and proved I was smart, maybe I would be liked more because I had something to give. When none of that worked something inside me broke. I realized that no matter how hard I tried they would never like me because I just didn’t fit in. I didn’t meet the standards it took to be part of the in crowd. Once I came to this realization I decided I was better off without them.

Over the summer transitioning into High School I made a decision to not associate myself with any of those people anymore and make new friends as I began the next stage in my life. I did make some changes to myself that I thought would give me confidence like wearing make-up, getting contacts, highlighting my hair and getting some new clothes. The braces eventually came off and the next thing I knew I was starting to feel happy again. I started to realize that I didn’t need anyone else to make me feel like I was good enough. I didn’t need a big group of friends to make me feel like I fit in. I wasn’t going to try and be part of the popular group. I was discovering who I was and for the first time I actually felt good about myself. I had finally turned a page and I was putting myself on a better path in my life. I was able to make a few good friends in High School and we were content in our small group. Of course over the duration of those four years things changed with my friends here and there but nothing to significant.

But of course with my life nothing is ever that simple. It was during my first year of High School that I found out I had Scoliosis which is a curvature of the spine. I know, this could only happen to me right? I mean, after everything I had been through, my life was just starting to look up, and then this. The Scoliosis was bad enough that I needed to have major surgery to fix the curve. I thought for sure that I was going to go back to being the girl everyone picked on. But to my surprise, everyone supported me. Some people sent me gifts in the hospital and gave me cards. My friends visited me over the summer and the next year some people I had never spoken to before were asking me how I was. It felt good to know that at least I wasn’t completely invisible and people can be nice. As hard as it was to go through that surgery it really is a part of who I am today. I will always have Scoliosis and the scar to show for it. And at one point I was actually self conscience about my scar, but today I am proud of it because it really is literally a part of who I am.

Since my Grade School and High School I had made some changes to my life plans. I no longer wanted to live in a big city. I was now a scared and naïve girl. Much more introverted and still trying to find my place. I went through stages trying to decide what I wanted to “be when I grow up”. At one point it was an artist and then a teacher. And then in my last year of High School I took a Sociology class and I loved it from the start. I began to realize that I could help people. Maybe people just like me. If they had a tough time in life and just needed a little push in the right direction, I wanted to be the push they needed. I had made my decision. I wanted to be a Social Worker. So in went the University applications and to my luck I got accepted to the closest University to where I lived. I didn’t have to travel or live away from home.

Transitioning to University wasn’t hard for me at all. I had buried my nose in the books since I was a kid so picking up the work load was easy for me. I actually found purpose putting all my time and effort into my grades. During my first year I took a Child and Youth course and realized I also had a desire to work with kids. So I ended up double majoring in Sociology and Child and Youth Studies. On top of that I condensed my BA to a three year program so I would graduate early. I accepted the challenge head on and buried myself further in my schooling. By the end of my third year I was getting ready to graduate and looking forward to finding a career in my field. Needless to say I was not prepared for the drastic turn my life was about to take. One thing I learned quickly is that University’s are a great academic institute but they fail to prepare you for the real world. Once you graduate they send you on your way with a nice pat on the back and a good luck to you. I had decided I wanted to work in an adoption or foster care agency placing kids with families and helping them achieve a better life.

Off I went applying for every job I could find. Out of the hundreds of applications I had one interview at which I was told I was not fully qualified. I didn’t understand. How can I not be qualified if I just obtained a BA in that specific field from a very good University? The problem lies with experience in the work field. I had none. I was not given the proper training I needed. So there I was, stuck in a rut I never saw myself being in, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had worked so hard for nothing.

There I was, 20 years old feeling like I had accomplished so much in my life at such a young age with nothing to show for it. I couldn’t get a job and I just got rejected for the first time in my life at something I had always been good at. I felt like I had hit a wall and was losing an up hill battle. After I took some time feeling sorry for myself I started to re-evaluate my life. Why was I beating myself up so much? Think of everything I had gone through in my life up to now. I couldn’t let this stand in my way. I had to figure out a way to move on from this just like I had everything else. I was good at coming with new plans and this was no exception.

It took some time but eventually I discovered what I wanted to do. However, it was the complete opposite of what I had done in the past and I was scared to tell anyone what I wanted to do. They would probably think I was crazy. But I knew deep down this was something I would be good at and the least I could do was try. I had done some personal aptitude tests to find out what my best traits were and just like I had predicted I was a Type A personality. Super organized, a little anal at times and surprisingly somewhat social. I knew that over the years I was slowly opening myself up more and more but I still considered myself to be shy and quite. I knew deep down if I just tried I could open myself up and be more social.

This brings me to the next turn in my life. I applied for the Event Management Program at local College. Yep you heard me – Event Management. I loved the concept of being able to have fun while you work. Imagine putting all your organization and creative skills into planning someone’s wedding? I never knew there even was a job like that out there! But to my surprise I got accepted! This time around I was determined to make it count. I knew the program was way more hands on so I would gain all the experience I needed to hopefully get a job out of it. But little did I know how much more I would really be in store for when I started the program. And this is where my journey really begins.

Remember the phrase “everything happens for a reason”? If everything happened for a reason why did I feel like I was running in circles and not able to accomplish anything? That is why up until now I had hated that phrase. But life was about to prove me wrong in a very big way! I had been in the Event Management Program for about four months and was loving every minute of it. I was gaining all the knowledge and experience I needed and having fun at the same time. It was common to have guest speakers during our lectures to teach us about their specialized field of work. One day we had a speaker who had come to talk to us about event production. His name was Joe Mater. I was currently organizing an event and my professor thought it would good if I spoke with Joe about a technical aspect I was having some trouble with. So after class I asked to set up a meeting with Joe. He agreed and later that day I met with him to discuss my event. He was extremely helpful and seemed really interested in the event and asked if he could get involved. Of course I was more than thankful for his involvement and over the next few months Joe and I spent a lot of time working together on the event.

It was during this time that he began to tell me about his past work experiences and brought up his work with the infamous group the Backstreet Boys. Let me just say I was shocked. You see, I happened to be a big fan of the Backstreet Boys. I didn’t want to get too excited or pry too much but of course I wanted to know more. So little by little he started to tell me how he worked as a production manager on a lot of their tours whenever he got the chance and he was in the process of arranging a meeting to start work on their next tour. It was all so fascinating to me. Up to this point I had been mostly interested in personal events like Weddings and Anniversaries, but hearing Joe talk about everything he did on the tours was starting to make me think I might like other areas too. But I had no idea how to even go about getting into that area of work so I asked Joe if he had any advice. He said he would talk to some people he knew and get back to me with more information. By now I was beyond excited. I couldn’t believe so much was happening in such a short period of time.

A few weeks went by and finally Joe got back to me. I was waiting for him to give me some business cards and some paper work to read over that would push me in the right direction but what he proposed to me next I couldn’t even fathom. Joe had spoken to the tour manager for the Backstreet Boys and told her about me and what I was doing and he told me she was interested in meeting me. I didn’t really understand why until Joe told me he had suggested to her that I may be of help on the next tour. Now let me just clarify, that I never told Joe that I was a fan of the Backstreet Boys so all of our conversations were strictly professional and I definitely had not indicated I was trying to get a job out of anything. I was just trying to get helpful tips from a friend. All of this came as a shock and I’m not sure what I was more shocked about, the prospect of a possible job, going on a tour or meeting the Backstreet Boys! Of course I accepted the meeting and two days later there I was sitting in a board room with Joe waiting to meet the Backstreet Boys tour manager.

I met with Jen who was beyond nice and we had a lengthy conversation about the in’s and out’s of what it takes to run a tour. All the information was mind boggling but I was so grateful to her for being open and willing to share everything with me. I would have been happy walking away from the meeting if it had ended there. But it didn’t. Jen then asked about me and what I knew about running events so far. I told her everything could think of and explained to her all the involvement I had running and volunteering for events up to that point. I knew I had a lot to learn but I also knew I had to give. I had gained so much experience and sitting there in that room I felt like this was a chance to turn a whole new page in my life. I knew that I was ready for the next step but I also knew going on a tour was a huge step to take at one time. But something deep down kept pushing me further and I knew I couldn’t walk away from this opportunity. But I didn’t even know what the opportunity was!

Jen told me should would think everything over and get back to me in a couple weeks to let me know if anything was available. I thanked her greatly and left the meeting feeling like I was floating on air. Like I said before, even if nothing came of it I still felt like I had been given a special opportunity that no one else did and I gained valuable knowledge from it. But I still couldn’t help but get my hopes up. The next few weeks seemed to drag so I buried myself in my events to occupy myself. Before I knew it the phone was ringing and it was none other than Jen. She said she really enjoyed talking with me and had spoken to some other members of the production and they all seemed to agree that they could always use extra hands on the tour. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She was asking me to go on tour with the Backstreet Boys! I literally pinched myself to see if I was dreaming! I wasn’t! She warned that I would pretty much be a gopher just running around doing what anyone asked me to do. She said it probably wouldn’t be the most enjoyable job but it was mine if I wanted it. Are you kidding me? Of course I wanted it! I mean who else gets that chance to go on a freaking world wide tour and be a got to girl for the Backstreet Boys? She could have asked me clean toilets all day and I would have said yes! This was the most amazing opportunity and learning experience I could have ever asked for. So why was I suddenly freaking out and regretting my decision?

I started having flashbacks of my days as little girl and getting picked on. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough and reverting back into the shy, timid girl that let’s people walk all over her. What if I got there and I didn’t measure up? What if I sucked at the job and I screwed up the freaking Backstreet Boys tour? I mean I know my job wasn’t that big but I still could mess things up. I had worked so hard to become who I was. I pushed myself to be more social and let down my guard a bit. I put everything I had into finding a purpose for my life and making something of myself. And now there I was with the biggest opportunity sitting in my lap and I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I felt like even after everything I had been through and all the hard work it still wasn’t meant for me. Not mention the fact that I was scared out of my mind. I had never been away from home for more than a week! How was I supposed to pack up all my stuff and leave on my own to live on the road with a bunch of strangers for months on end all by myself! I felt like I had gotten myself in to deep and I was drowning. But there was no backing out. I had already told Jen I wanted the job and the papers were already being signed. I had to convince myself I could do this. I was going on tour with the Backstreet Boys and I was going to do a good job. And try not faint when I meet them!

There I was, 23 years old, just graduated from the Event Management Program and on my way to Las Angeles, California to meet the Backstreet Boys and travel around the world as a tour… whatever I was. I was shaking like a leaf when I got off the plane but felt a huge sigh of relief escape my lips as I saw Joe waiting for me with a big smile on his face. Joe really had become like a second Dad to me and I was so glad to have someone I knew with me and even more happy that it was Joe. I was going to be staying with Joe for the first few days before we actually hit the road and he was going to fill me in a little more on what I was in store for. I wish we had more time because those three days flew by so fast and I still felt like I knew nothing.

The day finally had come. Everyone who was part of the production/management team was meeting at a huge cargo hall to help start packing up the transport trucks with equipment and make sure every other tiny detail was taken care before we left the next day. Let me just tell you, I saw so many things while on that tour but I will never forget pulling into that huge parking area and seeing ten transport trucks, tour busses, boxes galore, hundreds of people running around moving equipment and hearing people shouting commands left and right. It was the quintessential description of organized chaos and I loved it!

We found Jen and she handed me a stack of papers, a walkie talkie, said your in charge, follow the list and then she was off. That was it? Follow the list! At that moment I knew I was screwed. I started to panic. I couldn’t do this! I was in way over my head, had no idea where to start, who anyone was and she just wants me to follow a list. Great! I looked at the first thing on the list and was relieved to find out all I had to do was find a person wearing a yellow vest and help move boxes out of the loading dock. Okay not so bad, maybe I over reacted. Think again. I think Jen was just going easy on me by putting the list in order from easiest to most difficult because by the end of the day I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off! Screaming commands on the walkie talkie, calling caterers, ordering people about, signing documents. I wasn’t even sure if I was allowed to be doing half the things I was or if I was even doing anything right but I could never find Jen anywhere and she did say I was in charge. So what the hell. I figured I’m already knee deep in crap, just go for it! I guess it paid off because by the time Jen finally returned she gave me the good old good job pat on the back. I had never felt so exhausted and yet refreshed at the same time. I guess I could do this job after all! I was just about to cross the next item off my list when Jen pulled me back and threw me completely off guard. “So, are you ready to meet the Backstreet Boys”?

I’m sorry did I hear her correctly? Am I ready to meet the Backstreet Boys? Was she crazy?! I was a mess. My hair was pulled back into a sloppy ponytail with strands of hair falling all over my face. I saw sweating like a pig and completely out of breath from running around all day. I was wearing an old pair of jeans and plain white t-shirt which now had dirt stains all over it. And I was still reeling from everything that just happened on my first day of work, which I thought was not over yet. So needless to say, no I was NOT ready to meet the Backstreet Boys! You know, I had always wondered how this moment would transpire. Maybe everyone meeting up a nice restaurant and formally getting acquainted. I’m escorted onto their tour bus and we all sit it the tight quarters chatting it up. We are all sitting in a board room discussing business and in they walk and formally meet everyone. Or maybe even hanging out backstage and we casually start bumping into each other. But definitely NOT like this! This was number one on my worst case scenarios list. Now trust me, I tried to convince Jen that it wasn’t a good time, that I was busy and work comes first but it didn’t work.

“It’s no big deal. They’re just eating some lunch. And they wanted to meet you anyway so come on” she said.

Wait what? “What do you mean they wanted to meet me anyway” I asked in a very confused way.

“Well you are going to be working with them like every day so it’s probably a good idea to meet the person you’re going to be bossing around right?” she laughed.

I was so confused. “What do you mean I’m going to be working with them everyday?” I asked.

“Well isn’t that what personal assistants do silly?” she said in way that implied I should have known what she was talking about.

“Personal assistant? I thought I was part of the production/management crew? Working with you and Joe” I said.

“Well… you are. You’ll help us if anything comes up like someone gets sick and we need a spot filled but for the most part you’re with the guys. Remember I said you’ll be like a gopher? Trust me, they’re gonna have you so busy you won’t be able to see straight by the end of the tour!” she laughed again.

I had no idea what she was talking about and she was laughing like this was old news! I was just coming to the realization that I was personally going to be waiting on the Backstreet Boys hand and foot for the whole tour, which meant I was going to be spending a lot of quality time with them for almost eight whole months, when I heard voices. Not just any voices, it was them. And they sounded so normal. They were just ideally chatting amongst themselves, laughing and joking around. For a minute I didn’t feel nervous at all. Until we rounded the corner and there they were, all four Backstreet Boys sitting right in front of me. They didn’t notice us at first so I had a minute to take in the sight before me. It seemed like a private moment between them that I almost felt I shouldn’t be watching. But it wasn’t. It was just them, being real. Brian was sitting at table reading over some paper work, Howie was standing off to the side talking on his phone, AJ was sitting in a recliner chair and Nick was sitting on a couch across from him, both playing some video game. A box of half eaten pizza was in the middle of the table and a burly looking security guard was sitting across from Brian doing a good job on the rest of the box. Suddenly my nerves kicked in when Jen happily chipped “Hey guys!”.

In a split second all eyes were on us, well more like me and I instantly felt like that scared little girl again with no idea what to do or say. So I did nothing. I just stood there like an idiot, probably looking like a hot mess with a star struck look on her face.

“So is this her?” asked Howie. Her? I think at that moment I felt about two inches tall. He sounded sincere but all I kept thinking was I shouldn’t be here.

“Yep, this is her. Guys, I’d like to introduce to you Rhea McKenzie. Your new personal assistant!” Jen announced.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you” Howie said while reaching out to shake my hand. I hesitantly shook it back while he gave a soft smile and a nod and then returned to his phone call.

“Hi, I’m Brian. So, where are you from, what’s your favorite color, do you want some pizza?” he said in his goofy voice and gave me a big cheesy smile. Thank god he broke the ice because I couldn’t help but laugh. I didn’t have time to reply to any of his questions because AJ had walked right up to me and given me a nice welcome hug while saying “Don’t mind him, you’ll get used it. Glad to have you on board” then stopped to stand next to me.

I then realized there was only one more left and that was Nick. I turned to look at him only to be a little taken aback to see him staring at me very intently. It was pretty intimidating since I always found Nick to be quite attractive and I’ve always been nervous around guys, let alone the Backstreet Boys, so his stare made me very uneasy. But as soon as I caught his eye he stood up and held out his hand and said “Hey, I’m Nick”. I shook his hand and quietly replied “Rhea”.

“Rhea, that’s a very pretty name” he said sincerely.

“Thank you” I timidly replied. I could barely make eye contact with him. I wasn’t used to receiving compliments very often and there was something about his eyes that were just piercing.

“Well, we’ll let you guys back to whatever it is you’re doing. We’ve still got some more work to do before tomorrow. I guess we’ll just see you guys bright and early to hit the road” Jen piped in.

“Great, can’t wait” replied AJ in a sarcastic tone.

“Oh come on, you can sleep on the plane” added Brian.

“Still doesn’t change the fact that I have to get up at the crack of Dawn’s ass” sniped AJ.

Jen just shook her head and chuckled while Howie pointed at me and said “Guys, lets try not scare her off to quick okay. We need her”. The others laughed and apologized and I just smiled while I took it all in. I guess I just had to wrap my head around the fact that I was indeed working with the Backstreet Boys and I needed to loosen up a bit. But I had a feeling that was going to be easier said than done.

The next day came quickly once again and I found myself standing in an airport ready to jet off to wherever it was we were going first. Let me just mention here that for the majority of that tour I had no idea where we were going. I’m pretty sure that’s something a personal assistant should know but I think Jen and Joe knew I was a little overwhelmed by it all and decided that all those details could be taken care of by someone else. It wasn’t long before the guys arrived, AJ quite the grump, as I had expected based on his and Brian’s little banter the day before. The rest of the guys seemed fine and I noted how all four of them seemed to have a little glint in their eye like this was what it was all about for them. I hoped I would feel the same way by the end of the tour but only time would tell. Joe had suggested earlier that I should sit up front with the guys to try and get to know them a bit more during the plane ride. Jen changed seats with me so this would be possible. I was still hesitant about this whole experience. I was starting realize that I would probably good at the job aspect of the tour but when it came to actually carrying on a conversation with anyone I was nervous as hell. I was trying so hard to break out of my bubble but let me tell you it’s not easy. And learning to let down your guard to strangers is even worse. I figured the best way to go about it was to just think of them as normal people. Which technically they are so that shouldn’t be hard, right?

We finally boarded the plane and I was surprised to discover that I was sitting next to none other than Nick Carter. It made sense, everyone else had a significant other but ever since I first caught him starring at me he had seemed distant. But then again, I probably did too to everyone else so who was I to judge. And I guess I can’t really base anything off of a two second introduction. He was already sitting in the seat near the window and when I went to sit down he stopped me by asking if I liked the window seat. Of course I did but I wasn’t about to make him move. But he was really insistent that he preferred the isle and asked if we could switch. I said no problem but apparently switching seats is a bigger problem than I had thought. There were lots of people trying to squeeze by in the tiny isle way behind us and stepping in front of anyone did not seem like a good option at that moment. So there I was trying to squeeze past Nick Carter into the next seat without falling flat on my face. While exchanging quite a few “sorry’s” and in a not so graceful way we finally managed to get comfortable in our respective seats. After a few moments to compose myself I finally looked over at him to see him grinning back at me. I shyly grinned back and then quickly I looked away. I don’t know what it was about the way he looked at me but I just got a weird feeling.

“Sorry about that” he suddenly said.

I looked up at and replied “That’s okay”. That’s it, that’s all I could muster was ‘that’s okay’! I felt so pathetic; I was too scared to even carry on small talk with this guy. But that was my problem all along. I hardly ever spoke to guys. As crazy as it sounds, I had never had boyfriend before. By now I was comfortable with myself. I didn’t exactly consider myself to be drop dead gorgeous or anything or even pretty but I didn’t think I was ugly either. I made sure to keep myself together and look presentable. I died my hair, wore make-up, made sure I didn’t wear too many frumpy of cloths. I wasn’t self conscience but I also wasn’t confident. All my life since I was a little girl I had heard people put me down. And even though the bullying stopped, I also never heard any compliments. I never had guys asking me out. I had been on couple group outings but never a one-on-one date with a guy. It’s not like I didn’t want to. If someone had asked me I’m sure I would have said yes. But I always prided myself in being independent and proving that I didn’t need anyone to verify me. I didn’t need a boyfriend to feel pretty, or to fit in. I was okay being on my own. And after all this time I was just starting to realize that maybe the reason guys weren’t asking me out is because I wasn’t open to them. I didn’t make myself available. I didn’t go out to places where they would find me. I didn’t make eye contact or even just give a nice smile to guy I thought was cute. I shut myself down thinking they would all come to me if the time was right. And maybe now I realize I was wrong all along. Maybe I needed to put in a little effort in order to get something in return. And I now know that means getting past my shyness and taking a chance. The only problem was that with chances came disappointment and sadness. I was afraid of rejection. If I opened myself up then I was opening myself up to hurt and betrayal and heart break. But if I didn’t open up then I was closing myself off to everything else good like friendship, and happiness and love.

My sudden barade of thoughts were interrupted when the plane began take off. The flight attendant began her safety talk as the plane headed to the tar mac. I was still slightly consumed in my thoughts when I noticed Nick’s hand holding the side of the armrest. He was looking straight ahead with his eyes closed and we hadn’t even started take off yet. And then it hit me. This is the perfect time to say something to him and open up a conversation. I hadn’t really done that before but fear of flying could be good topic. So I went for it.

“Don’t like flying very much?” I tentatively asked.

He quickly opened his eyes and looked over at me again with that piercing look. “Huh, no can you tell?” he nervously asked.

I smirked. “Just a little. You look like you’re about to choke the armrest to death” I said thinking that was probably the stupidest thing I could have said. But then I noticed he loosened his grip on the armrest and let out a small sigh.

“Yeah I’ve never liked flying very much and to bad for me it comes with the job” he smiled a bit.

“Well luckily for you most of this tour you’ll be stuck in a teeny tiny bunk on a bus instead. Hope you’re not claustrophobic too” I smiled back.

He laughed. Like an actual whole hearted laugh. I made him laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone laugh before! It felt so good to hear it. But I couldn’t figure out if I liked hearing him laugh because I made him or because I just liked hearing the sound come from him. My thoughts were once again interrupted by his reply, “You’re right, and no I’m not claustrophobic but if I were I’d just have to find someone who would join me in that teeny tiny bunk and keep me company so I didn’t get too scared”. What was that supposed to mean? Wait, was he flirting with me? Was Nick Carter flirting with me? I don’t think I’ve flirted with anyone before so how was I supposed to know if that’s was this was? I could be all wrong and jumping to conclusions because why would someone like Nick freaking Crater being flirting with me? There was only one way to find out. Flirt back!

“Really? Well what would someone have to do to make you feel a little less scared of flying?” I retaliated.

He lifted his eyebrow at me in an impressed kind of way, almost like he was surprised I was playing along, and pretended to think for a minute. “Well the possibilities really are endless but I could think of one off the top of my head” he replied as he suggestively nodded his head towards to front bathroom stall. By this time we were closely nearing take off and I couldn’t believe that Nick Carter was flirting with ME and more so that I was actually able to flirt back! But my disbelief was quickly pushed aside when I noticed how tense he was actually getting the more the plane revved up. I felt bad for him as he began to clutch the armrest tighter again and his face seemed to pale a bit. I didn’t think twice when I responded, “Why don’t we save that for another time and you can just hold my hand until you feel better instead?”.

He looked at my hesitantly and for a second I thought I had gone to far and read him wrong until I felt him lightly put his hand in mine. Not two seconds later we were speeding down the runway and he had a death grip on my hand. I almost regretted my decision but then he loosened his hold and let out a shaky breath he must have held through the whole take off. I was surprised when he didn’t fully let go of my hand but instead continue to lightly hold it while he regained his composure. I then heard Brian yell back from a few rows in front us “Hey dude, you okay back there?”. Nick slowly opened his eyes, looked over at me and gave me a small, appreciative smile. “Yeah man, I’m good” he yelled back the whole time looking at me. The whole thing was getting to be a bit much for me so I said, “Well, now that you feel better, you mind if I steal my hand back?”.

He continued to look at me for a moment until he responded, “What if I don’t want to?”. I was a little confused by that point. I mean it was nice holding his hand, don’t get me wrong, but I’m new to this whole flirting thing and now it seemed like he was crossing that invisible flirt line that leads to something more. I looked at him curiously when he suddenly said “I’m just kidding. But thank you for doing that. It did make me feel better. Much better”, as he slowly let go of hand. Okay that was weird. In one sentence he went from a complete joking tone back to serious again. I was getting so many mixed signals and I had no idea what to say next. Thankfully I didn’t have to. He suggested we watch a movie he brought on his portable player and I happily accepted knowing that would mean no more awkward conversations for a while. I was glad we had moved past uncomfortable silence, now I just had to figured what we had moved into.

The rest of the plane ride went surprisingly well. I was able to chat a little bit with the rest of the guys. It was a long flight and we all got stir crazy after a while so learning about each other was a good way to pass time. I was really glad I was finding it easier to open up to everyone. And it helped that they were so nice. Nick and I didn’t say much more after the movie but it wasn’t awkward either. It was actually really easy to sit in comfortable silence with him. It was coming close to arrival at our first stop and I could tell Nick was getting antsy anticipating the landing. I was looking out the window watching the clouds get closer when Nick touched my arm. “I’m going to the washroom quick before we start to land. Care to join me?” he suggestively wiggled his eyebrows at me and smirked as he walked away. I was slightly shocked but he hadn’t given me any time to answer so I’m sure he was just joking. But it still took me by surprise. When he returned he looked at me and said, “I was waiting for you, you never showed”. He had a twinkle in his eye that told me he was joking so I played along. “Actually, I was on my up and Jen nabbed me to discuss some details about tomorrow. You know, work does comes before play unfortunately” I said with a smile. He chuckled and turned to put his seat belt back on just as they announced our final decent. Almost as quickly as he had chuckled his faced seemed to pale similar to how it had earlier during take off. Instinctively his hand gripped at the arm rest and he tensed up again. I was amazing at how much this seemed to affect him, so without hesitation I grabbed his hand once more. He looked over at me gratefully again and I said “you know if I didn’t know any better I would think you planned that”. He laughed that amazing laugh again and before we knew it we had landed.

As we were taxing down the runway he made no attempt to let go of my hand but instead continued to gently hold on while he talked with some of the other guys about what we were doing once we got to the hotel. No one else seemed too noticed but I began to worry what they might think if they did see because I still had yet to figure it out myself. But what I did know was that it felt nice. I’d never really had anyone hold my hand just because they felt like it but at the same I didn’t want to read into it too much or continue to jump to conclusions. Once a few people started to get up he looked back over at me, smiled and helped me to my feet by pulling on my hand as he stood up as well. Once the isle cleared and he started to move it was then he let go of my hand. And for the first time, instead of wondering why he wouldn’t let go, I was wondering he had.

We all gathered in the terminal to get our luggage, which was a lot, and made our way to the airport exit to begin getting in the cars to take us to the hotel. Once we got outside it was chaos. There were vehicles everywhere, horns honking, people yelling over other people trying to get people in the right cars. Security guards were trying to keep the few fans that had showed up in line. AJ made a comment to me about never knowing how the fans know where they are always going to be when he doesn’t know half the time himself. I completely agreed because I didn’t even know where we were and I was part of the “posse” now! Jen was talking to me about a radio press kit the guys had to do a little later today and told me I should just tag along with them and keep my phone on in case she needed anything while we were out. I was just about to get into the car with her when someone grabbed my arm from behind and pulled me back. I quickly turned around to see who it was thinking I did something wrong only to find Nick standing there. But he wasn’t looking at me, he was talking to one of security in a serious way that I couldn’t really make out and he was still holding my arm gently. A couple people looked over to see what was happening when Jen popped her head out of the car and asked what I was doing. I just looked at her with an “I don’t know” look on my face. She wanted me to get in the car with her but that was a little difficult to do with Nick still holding my arm. I kept looking over at Nick but he still wouldn’t acknowledge me. Finally Jen clued in as to what was going on and yelled “Nick, what are you doing, get in your damn car! Let’s go!”. He looked over at her quickly and grabbed AJ who was standing off to the side having a smoke and pushed him towards the car. “AJ is going with you” he said. Jen looked at him like he was crazy while AJ said, “I am? I thought I was in the cab?”. Jen replied, “You are, Rhea is with me, you go with Nick, come one lets move!”. Suddenly Nick kicked into gear and responded, “I’m going with Rhea in the cab, Big Bob will be right behind us, AJ go with Jen” and with that he dragged me off to the waiting cab leaving a confused AJ and Jen behind and myself just as confused following behind him.

When we arrived at the cab he opened the door and let me in first then climbed in behind, told the driver who he was, and we were off to the hotel. I sat there dazed for a minute until words came back to me and I asked “What just happened?”.

“I wanted to spend some more time with you and I know from experience that on the road finding alone time is hard and I thought that arranging the car ride to the hotel would be easy but apparently it’s not” he said with a frustrated smile. Wait a minute, Nick Carter wanted to spend alone time with me? I don’t know if I was more shocked that Nick Carter wanted to spend time with me or that any guy in general did? I was also starting to realize that maybe I should stop referring to him as ‘Nick Carter’ and maybe start to look at him as just a nice guy.

“Why do you want to spend time with me?” I asked.

“I don’t know, you seem really nice. I mean I don’t remember the last time someone let me hold their hand on a plane because I was scared. And you’re funny” he replied.

“I’m funny?” I asked finding that hard to believe.

“Yeah, you made me laugh twice already today. I’m usually pretty grumpy on tour so that must say something about you” he said.

“Really? I guess I’ve never thought of myself as funny before” I replied.

“Well I think you are and I would like to get to know more about you, if that’s okay?” he asked.

“Um, yeah, that’s okay. I’d like to get to know more about you too” I replied. We had just pulled up to the hotel and there was already a pretty good size crowd standing outside waiting for them. I started to get a little nervous. Having been a fan myself I know what some of these girls are like and I was worried what they would think when they saw Nick get out of the car with some random girl who just happened to be me. Nick looked around at the scene and said, “Good! Then it’s a deal. I’ll find some time for us to spend together but listen, it’s going to get a little crazy right now so maybe you should get out first and go right inside and then I’ll be in, in a little bit”. I just nodded and for a second it looked as if he was almost going to give me a quick kiss or something but stopped himself. So before anything else could happen I grabbed my purse and got out of the cab. Just as I was rounding the car Jen and AJ pulled up and Jen jumped out of the car, ran to grab me and pull me inside.

“What the hell happened?” she asked me as soon as we had entered the hotel.

“Um, I’m not sure, Nick just wanted to finish a conversation we were having on the plane I guess” I lied. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. I mean, had Nick just asked me on a date or was it a just friends type thing? Was I even allowed to date him if that’s what it was?

“Well, I’m going to have to talk some sense into that kid. He can’t just go around messing with our logistical set up. Typical Nick. Sorry he pulled you into that” she said.

“What do you mean? It was just a car ride!” I replied.

“It might seem like just a car ride but it’s more than that. Just think of when you guys pulled up. Nick should always have security on him and he didn’t because Big Bob got stuck in traffic. And you had to walk through those fans all by yourself. You shouldn’t be alone yet either. We don’t know how they might react to you since you are a new face. What he did could have been dangerous. He knows better than that” she said.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize” I apologized.

“It’s not your fault. Next time just let me know, if you can” she smiled as she went off the start the check in process of everyone. I stood off to the side and watched as the guys signed autographs and took pictures with all their fans. I was still trying figure out what was going on with Nick when a whirl wind of people started pouring into the hotel lobby grabbing keys from Jen left and right and heading up the elevators for what I assumed was a much needed nap for everyone. Jen handed me my key and said I could head upstairs myself and check out my room but that we needed leave in the next hour. I decided not to wait for Nick and head up like Jen suggested. I would see Nick soon enough. I was just about to swipe my room key when Nick came walking down the hall.

“Hey, where did you go, I thought you would wait?” he asked.

“I figured you were busy and I didn’t want to bother you” I replied.

“You would never be bothering me” he replied seriously.

I just smiled but didn’t respond. “Hey, why don’t you come to my room to hang out for a bit before we have to go?” he asked. I looked at him hesitantly. “Oh no, nothing like that! Just to talk” he exclaimed. I was still hesitant. “Please?” he almost begged.

“Okay fine. But we do have to talk” I said. He smiled so big I swear his eyes sparkled. He was really going to make this hard. We entered his room which was just down the hall from mine and I was taken aback by how beautiful it was. I had never stayed in a hotel like this before so it looked like royalty to me. I think he noticed my amazed expression and asked “what?”.

“Oh, I’ve just never been in such an amazing hotel room before! Actually I don’t stay in hotel rooms very often so this is just surreal to me” I replied.

He was looking at me very intently, almost the same way he had the very first time we ever met and it was that look that made me uneasy. Like he was sizing me up or trying to get in my head. “Okay, why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.

His looked changed like he knew he had been caught doing something wrong and replied, “Oh sorry, it’s just you really are a small town girl aren’t you? Down to earth?” he asked.

With a confused look I replied, “Ha, I guess so. I mean yeah I’m a small town girl and I would like to hope I’m down to earth. Why?” I countered.

“No reason, I just find it interesting. I don’t meet many girls like that, like you, so I guess I’m intrigued. I guess I’m just trying to figure you out is all. If that’s okay?” he replied.

His honesty made me comforted and uneasy at the same time. I was glad he was being open with me but nervous about his intentions. It wasn’t very often that I had a guy telling me he found me intriguing and wanted to get to know me more so needless to say I was a little skeptical. But at the same time it felt nice to have someone show some interest in me. And if he was being honest with me I guess I should be honest with him.

“Yeah, that’s okay with me. It’s just…” I paused. “Just what?” he asked. “It’s just, I haven’t had many guys show an interest in me like you are and I’m a little hesitant. Nervous I guess. To be honest, I don’t have much experience with this so I’m a little unsure about all this. Not to mention the fact that you are who you are and I’m working for you. Doesn’t that complicate things? I mean it’s fine to be friends but I would like to hope I’m going to be friends with the rest of the guys too and they aren’t going about it quite the way are to ‘get to know me’. So it just makes me wonder is all” I confessed. It felt good to get that off my chest but I was worried about what he would think now. I was kind of insinuating that he may be interested in more than friends and this was coming from someone with no experience with guys so what would I know?

“You’re right” he stated.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re right. It is different. I like you. And I don’t know what this or where it’s going but all I know right now is that I want to find out. I want to spend time with you. Because I like you” he confessed.

“I’ve never had a guy tell me he likes me before” I admitted.

“Really” he asked shocked.

“Yes really, don’t sound so shocked” I replied dryly.

“Well I am shocked” he said matter-of-factly.

“Why?” I asked incredulously.

“What you mean why? You’re beautiful, funny, caring, and honest. You want me to keep going?” he asked.

“Maybe” I replied slyly.

“Hard working, smart, kind…”he continued.

I cut him off, “Okay, okay you made you’re point, you like me. I don’t know how you see all those things in me, or maybe you’re just humoring me, but thank you either way”.

“I’m not humoring you, I mean it” he said seriously.

“You do? So you think I’m beautiful?” I asked shyly.

“Of course! You caught my eye the minute you walked into the cargo hall lounge the first time we met. I couldn’t stop starring at you! Didn’t you notice? I thought you caught me in the act and I felt like such a dumbass!” he admitted.

“Oh, I didn’t realize. I mean I did. I saw you looking at me but I didn’t think…I mean, I never would have thought that you…” I stuttered.

“You never would have thought what? That I could think you’re attractive?” he asked. I just innocently looked up at him. “Oh my god Rhea! Are you kidding me? You have to know you’re pretty!” he said unbelievably. I still didn’t say anything. “Rhea!” he emphasized.

“What do you want me to say Nick? It’s not everyday I have a gorgeous guy telling me he thinks I’m pretty, in his hotel room! A guy who can have his pick of any girl he wants” I said sadly as I starred down the groups of girls just waiting for chance to catch another glimpse of him.

He quietly walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, “You’re right; I can have my pick of any girl I want. And I pick you”.

I turned to look at him and innocently asked “Why?”. He gave me another ‘are you kidding me look?’ and I quickly corrected myself, “Sorry, I’m sorry! It’s just like I said, I’m not used to this. But I’m flattered, thank you”.

“Well, get used to it. You know, I really don’t think I’ve ever met a girl like you before. You seem so together but at the same time…” he trailed off.

“Not?” I offered. He didn’t say any more so I continued, “I am together, really. In every aspect of my life except this” I explained. I figured now was as a good a time as any to open up to him about why I was the way I was. I had already admitted to myself that was a little, okay a lot screwed up when it came to guys and I had already convinced myself I needed to open up and there was the opportunity starring me in the face. So I spent the next half an hour telling him all about my past, my troubled childhood and all my insecurities in a nut shell. He was really receptive and not judgmental at all which I was thankful for.

“Listen, we all have our ghosts in the past, most of all me” Nick confessed. “I’m not one to judge anybody on relationships or even lack there of. And trust me, I can relate when it comes to a dysfunctional childhood and family. And hey, if you’re worried about things moving too fast, I don’t want to rush into anything either. I’ve been burned in the past and I’m not looking to rush into any kind of relationship too fast. We’ll take things slow okay? We can start by just hanging out and getting to know each other. I guess more than what we just did today. Sound good?” he asked.

“Sounds great” I said relieved. “But one condition. No more sneaking around and messing with Jen’s plans. She freaked out over a freaking car ride! Just let her know when you want to pull something that like again okay?” I smiled.

“Deal” he smiled back and without hesitation he pulled me into a hug. I was a little shocked but at the same time it felt good. I knew it was just a friendship hug and that meant a lot. Soon after we left the hotel to head to the radio interviews. When I finally had some time to myself I started to think back at everything that had just happened in the last 24 hours. I had already gained a new friend and I had a feeling my relationship with Nick was just beginning. I had gone from being completely awkward and shy around him to now having shared some of my most personal secrets with him. I felt like I trusted him already. I was still reluctant to believe that all this was real though. That someone like him would be so interested in me; in whatever way he was. But it was enough to just feel accepted by him and this group of people.

As time went on my relationship with the guys and Nick continued to grow. I was literally spending every day with them. I was learning so much about the business and what it takes to run a tour and I was loving every minute of it. I was also learning that being a personal assistant to four guys was not an easy task. But like I said, it was so fun. I was really proud of myself for opening up to all the guys, especially Nick. I had bonded with Brian, Leighanne and Baylee. They trusted me with Baylee a few times when they wanted to go out and I was happy to watch him. He’s a great kid and I was finally able to put some of my schooling to good use. Leighanne is a sweetheart and was always there for me when I needed a little away time from the boys. Brian is a goofball at heart and I always had a great time joking around with him. I give him a lot of credit for breaking me out of my shell because he really helped lighten the mood a lot. Howie really lived up to his nickname Sweet D. He is so caring and always makes me feel comfortable. His wife Leigh is just as great; she and I had become great shopping and sightseeing buddies which is another perk of touring the world. It’s amazing how many great places we get to go and things we get to see, when we ever get the time. AJ had become one of my best friends, besides Nick. He is always there for a shoulder to cry on, which I’ll admit has happened sometimes. It was really hard being away from home after a while and since he’s done this before he knew exactly how to make me feel better. He’s such a great listener and gives great advice, especially when it comes to Nick.

Nick and I were getting along great. I was slowly coming out my shell more and more and it was easy to be comfortable with Nick. I don’t know why but he seemed to just get me. We had so many things in common even though we had drastically different lives. But in a sense our lives were really very similar. We both had a tough childhood, messed up families and neither one of us had a good track record with relationships. Mine being that it was non-existent, his that he’d been around the block and was tired of flaky and failed relationships. We were having a great time getting know almost everything there was to know about one another and yet everyday I still seemed to find out something new about him. From the littlest thing to something more profound that I never would have thought. I’m sure he felt the same way about me. But I was starting to wonder where it was going.

There was always flirtation and it was always innocent to one degree or another but everyday it seemed to turn into a little more. And lately I was feeling like he was pushing for a little more than just friendship. Now don’t get me wrong, the thought of having some kind of relationship with Nick was more than I could hope for. But I still couldn’t understand why HE would want to be with someone like ME. I was trying so hard to give myself more credit and make myself believe that I was worth it but this wasn’t just some random guy I met in a grocery store and got swept off my feet by. This was Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. I had learned that who the real Nick was was different than the Nick Carter everyone knows from the Backstreet Boys. I mean of course they are one in the same and I like both parts of who he is but it was so hard for me to believe that this amazing guy that I liked actually liked me back. And maybe not just as friends. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that maybe what I was really scared of was just that. Not who he is but rather where this was going. I was just getting comfortable with my friendship with Nick and now I was faced with the prospect of it turning into something more. But what was I really afraid of? Losing my friendship with Nick or having to experience everything that comes along with a relationship. Meaning everything I had never done before. Pretty sure I was scared of both.

I was sitting backstage going over the schedule for the night drinking a cup of really crappy venue coffee and finally enjoying a quite moment to myself , which was a hard thing to come by lately, when the boys came bounding down the hall after just finishing a sound check. I had chosen to stay backstage that day because apparently my face was starting be recognizable to the fans who frequently attend concerts and I was beginning to hear questions and comments about me that I chose to not deal with that day. I mean how could I answer questions I didn’t have the answer to myself? I mean who was I really? Yeah my usual answer would be I work on the tour. But I didn’t want to indulge any more than that and those fans are persistent. So after successfully hiding for the day I was now tracked down by a group of guys who were flying high on an adrenaline rush and their number one target was me. As much as I loved goofing around with the guys, today I was just not in the mood. I had so many things on my mind and I think Nick sensed it when he got close enough to see the look on my face. I must have looked pretty stressed out because Nick turned around and gave some kind of brotherly look to the guys that they give each other when they need time alone, or need help, or whatever it may be, but they backed off right away. He then came and squatted in front of me and asked if I was okay. I didn’t say anything, just gave him a look. He grabbed my hand and started dragging me down the hallway.

“Nick, where are we going?” I asked.

“I’m taking you away from here so you can stop being so stressed out and relax a bit” he said still dragging me down the hall.

I pulled him back. “Nick, I’m not stressed out because of work. Work is great. I love it! I’m having so much fun and I’m learning so much! I’m not stressed out because of work…” I trailed off.

Looking very confused Nick asked, “Well then what’s wrong because you clearly have something on your mind”.

With a light laugh I answered, “Yeah, something is on my mind, but I think I’m just over thinking it. I always over worry things. Don’t worry about it”.

“Hey, if something is wrong with you then I am worried” he said as more people began filing through the hall. “Here, come with me, we need to talk” he said as he began pulling me away again.

“Nick, you have a show in like two hours, we can’t go anywhere, and I’m fine!” I exclaimed.

“You’re not fine and we’re not leaving the venue so just come on!” he insisted. Next thing I knew he was pulling up some ladder off a secluded back hallway.

“I’m not go up there” I said putting my foot down.

“Oh come on! Have a little fun!” he laughed.

“Your crazy” I said but gave in began following him up a ladder that I wasn’t even sure could hold both our weight but as always, I trusted him. And suddenly we were on the roof. That’s right, the roof of a venue that could probably hold over 6,000 people easy. He led me to the edge where he sat down .

“I’m not sitting that close to the edge. You’re lucky you even got me up here. Please come back” I pleaded. He gave in and we sat smack dab in the middle of the roof, legs crossed, knees touching, facing each other. There was a light warm breeze and the sun was slowly beginning to lower in the sky as it got later in the day. Suddenly in that moment I felt very calm and for a split second I had completely forgotten why I was even stressing out at all. But as soon as I looked into those piercing blue eyes looking right back into mine I remember exactly why. I saw so many things every time I looked into his eyes. And right now all I saw was concern. He was so genuine and it just melted my heart. I mean what other guy would stop everything he was doing in a split second to bring me to the roof to talk about why he saw so much stress on my face? Not many I don’t think and for that reason I knew I was lucky to have him in my life.

“What’s going on Rhea?” he asked.

With a big sigh I replied, “I don’t know”.

“That’s a lie. Yes you do, so spill. If you’re so happy with you’re job than what’s got you down? How can I get you to smile again?” he asked.

I looked up at him and smiled but he could tell it wasn’t genuine. “I mean a real smile. Come on Rhea” he pleaded.

I couldn’t lie to him but could I really told him what I was feeling? He really wasn’t giving me much of a choice here. “I’m scared” I confessed.

“Scared of what?” he asked.

I took a moment to sigh deeply and contemplate how I was going to say this. “I’m scared of where this is going” I finally said.

“This?” he repeated.

“This, us, you! I’m scared of where this is going” I exclaimed dramatically pointing back and forth between the two of us.

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently. Now he was frustrating me. He can’t seriously start to deny what was going on between us. I may not be an expert in relationships but I’m no dummy. I knew what was going on.

“Come on Nick! These last couple months have been amazing for me! I seriously look back and think, am I really here? Am I really doing this? I’ve opened myself up so much with everyone and I’m happy I did because I gained so many new friends that I hope will be my friends for a long time. You know how hard that was for me to do. And with you, I let you in the most and let my guard down. We got close. We are close Nick! But these last few weeks it’s changing. We’ve always flirted but I feel like everyday it’s a little more. And not that I don’t mind because trust me I like it. It’s fun, but as tough as it was for me to open up and be your friend this is harder. It’s one thing to become your friend but a whole other thing to turn it into something more. I have no idea what I’m doing! And THAT scares me” I confided.

“Rhea, you don’t have to be scared. I told you we would take it slow and we have right?” he asked.

“Yeah” I replied.

“But your right. You know I feel like I say that a lot to you” he said trying to lighten the mood a bit. A gave a small laugh and he continued, “but you are right. Things have changed. I have been flirting with you more. And I’m sorry if that has been confusing for you but I couldn’t help it. It felt right. We started with getting to know each other and we did. Really well. Sometimes I feel like you know me better than anyone else. I knew I liked you from day one Rhea but now I really like you. A lot. I didn’t want to move too fast because I knew how you felt about it and I don’t want to rush anything either but the last thing you have to feel is scared. You can trust me. And when you feel this way I want you to talk to me about it. Don’t keep it inside and wonder what is going on and stress yourself out. Part of being in a relationship is being open with each other” he finished.

I appreciated how honest Nick was with me just as he always is. And he always had a way of making me feel at ease and put my mind a rest. I knew now that I couldn’t let fear hold me back. If I had let fear control me I wouldn’t be sitting here on the roof with Nick right now. I would probably be sitting at home wondering what to do with my life still. So I just looked up at Nick with a sideways smirk. “So is that what this is? Are we in a relationship with each now?” I slyly asked.

He smirked back and responded, “Well I know I want to be but do you? Because if you’re not ready we can wait”. Always so caring I thought. I didn’t need to think about it any more but pretended to be in deep thought. As soon as he saw the smile on my face his lit up. I knew I didn’t need to say anything but simply replied, “I’m ready”.

I thought his face was going to crack he was smiling so big and I couldn’t help but smile back. Suddenly our smiles turned into laughter and we were giggling like a couple of school girls for no reason other than we were both completely and utterly happy. Slowly our laughter diminished as he starred intently into my eyes. I felt myself leaning closer to him. I knew what was coming as I felt the butterflies inside. This was a moment I had dreamed about for a long time. And many of those times I pictured my first kiss with Nick. The setting couldn’t have been more perfect. It was like a scene from a movie. The sun was just about to set in the sky and there were beautiful pink and orange hues brushing the horizon. The warm breeze still blew through the air and we could hear the soft banter of people below waiting for the doors of the venue to open. There was no one around but the two of us sitting in the middle of the rooftop getting lost in each other. I could feel the warmth of his body radiate through mine when our lips were just whispers apart. Then, we kissed….and it was amazing. He lips were soft and he was so gentle. It only lasted a second; then he pulled away to look in my eyes and give me a reassuring smile before bringing his hands up to cup my face and pull me back to him. I eased in to the kiss effortlessly. It came so natural and it felt so right. I didn’t have anything to compare it to but I was sure Nick was one of the best kissers ever. I never wanted to stop, I could kiss him all day. But after what felt like forever he reluctantly pulled away. I looked at him expectantly while our foreheads rested against each other and he sat there still, with his eye closed and a small smile on his lips. I waited for him to make the first move and when he did he looked up at with glistening eyes and whispered “Wow”. And that was it; that was all I needed to hear to know he felt the same way I did. I couldn’t say that I loved Nick yet. I had no idea what love felt like but I knew this was something. And that was more than enough for me right then. He must have known I was lost in thought because suddenly he asked, “What are you thinking?”.

I smiled and replied, “I’m thinking how I lucky I am to have met you and that this is happening to me”.

“I was thinking the exact same thing” he smiled back.

“So, we’re together then?” I clarified.

“Yeah we’re together” he said.

“So…. am I…..your….” I drew out.

He interrupted me, “Rhea, will you be my girlfriend?” he asked.

Relieved I replied, “Yes”.

And then there it was again. That breath taking smile. We were just about to kiss again when the roof door flew open and out came AJ with Jen hot on his heels. “There you guys are! What the hell are you guys doing? Do you know how many people are looking for you? Do you know what time it is? Security is going crazy! We thought you left on your own or something!” Jen exclaimed.

Nick and I got to our feet and made our way over to them. I was shocked to see her acting like this. You’d think we had been missing for a week or something. “Geeze Jen calm down. We’re not little kids you know. We can take care of ourselves” Nick said.

“You could have at least told someone where you were going. Do you know what could have happened if you had left without security?” Jen quipped back.

“What, we’d get eaten by a pack of hungry teenage girls on the streets of New York City?” Nick sarcastically replied.

“Ha-Ha Nick, very funny. And that’s not the point. You know the policy. You can’t go anywhere without security unless you tell them where you are going and what you are doing. What are you doing by the way?” she remarked looking around and seeing nothing but me and Nick.

I saw this as a good time to pipe in, “I’m sorry Jen. I knew better. We should have said something. We just came up here to get some air and lost track of time”.

“And maybe make-out a little bit too” added AJ off to the side.

Nick and I nervously looked at each other quickly but said nothing. “I knew it! You two are hooking up!” exclaimed AJ.

“What? They’re not hooking up!” Jen said looking from AJ back to us. We awkwardly looked around not knowing what to do or say. I mean, I still didn’t know if this was okay.

“Right? You’re not hooking up! Are you?” Jen asked hesitantly.

“Um”, “Well” Nick and I both said at the same time.

“Oh my God! You guys can’t hook up!” yelled Jen.

“We can’t?” we asked simultaneously.

“Yes they can!” piped AJ.

“We can?” Nick and I repeated excitedly.

“Well…. I mean technically….I guess you can…”Jen explained.

“Yes”, “Oh good” Nick and I both said relieved at the same time again.

“But… NO, you guys can’t get together!” Jen exclaimed.

“Why?” Nick, AJ and myself all asked together.

“Because…. I need you guys to stay focused on work. And this is going to complicate things. Do you know how hard it is to have a relationship on the road?” she asked to no one in particular.

“Yeah, when it’s long distance! Not when they’re both together, all the time, everywhere they go! I mean they’ve practically been dating for the last month. Come on Jen. You saw it, everyone did!” chimed AJ.

“What are you talking about” I asked AJ.

“Oh come on Rhea. You and Nick were like…made for each other. It’s weird. But I think you’re amazing and Nick seems to think so too. You make him happy, and when Nick is happy so am I so I say go for it already!” AJ replied.

At this point Nick put his arm around my waist and pulled me close and with a big smile said, “Thanks dude!” in a cheesy little voice that just made me laugh.

“Oh man, alright I give up. Let’s go. You two are running late now. And just know, I’m keeping an eye on you guys” Jen warned.

“Yes Mom” Nick joked.

The two guys went ahead to catch up on what they had missed getting ready for the show while Jen pulled me aside before we joined the others.

“Hey, I just want you to know that I really do think it’s great that you and Nick are together. But just don’t fall too fast. I don’t want to see you get hurt and I really don’t want this affecting your work!” she said.

“I know and thank you. And trust me! I have been taking it slow. If you only knew everything you wouldn’t have to worry about a thing so don’t! And if I feel like it’s affecting my work or if I just need a little girlfriend advice I will let you know!” I replied.

“Okay good. Now lets go check on your boyfriend to make sure he’s behaving himself” she laughed.

So off we went to join the rest of the gang who at that point had already magically heard about Nick and I. It was a little overwhelming to have so many people come up to me and congratulate me on something I hadn’t even really processed myself but that was just the way things went around here and I think I was finally starting to get used to it all.

Nick and I spent the next few months continuing to grow in our relationship and I was having an amazing time. It still got to me every time I heard him refer to me as his girlfriend. And I really had to remind myself that when people asked he really was my boyfriend. I also found myself wondering why I had ever been so reluctant to do this any sooner. I started to wonder how different my life might have been if I had opened myself up to more experiences when I was younger. But then I realized that if I had then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today. And that meant that I might not have ended up with Nick. And when I thought of that I felt more relief that everything happened the way it did because essentially, it brought me to Nick.

It was now four months into our relationship and six months since I had met Nick and I felt really content with where Nick and I were together. But I knew the next step was fast approaching and I was once again finding myself nervous about taking it to the next level. I knew he had experience and he knew that I didn’t. But I also knew that he was being faithful to me and it had been a while since he had been with anyone. Most importantly, I knew that I was ready. I was tired of holding back because I didn’t know what I was doing or because I was scared. If the past had proven me anything it’s that fear only holds me back and whenever I let go of that fear good things always seemed to come of it. And it was natural to be scared about this. So I knew it was time to have a talk with Nick. It always seemed to make things a little easier.

We were staying in Vegas that night after the show and leaving the next afternoon on the tour bus to head to Cincinnati. It was going to be a long bus ride so I wanted to have this talk before we left. He got back to the hotel room after the show pretty late but I was still awake and waiting for him when he opened the door. He was a little surprised to see me waiting for him but I’d occasionally done that before so it wasn’t to strange. I let him shower and grab a bite to eat from room service before deciding to open up the conversation. We were both lying on the bed completely relaxed in each others arms. He had flannel PJ pants on and no shirt and I had on my favorite boy shorts and tank top. The room was completely dark except for the soft glow of the TV. When I put the TV on mute I think he was expecting some kind of a talk but maybe not quite this.

“I’m not sure where to begin” I said.

“Just say whatever it is baby. Remember we have to be honest with each other” he said back.

I took a deep breath and decided to just lay it all the table, “I think I’m ready for the next step” I said shyly looking up at him.

It took him a minute to respond and when he did he stuttered out, “You mean….” and then just looked at me knowingly.

“Yeah, that’s what I mean. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and we’ve been together for a while now and I feel completely comfortable with you. It took me a while to open up and I still am a little bit everyday but I’m really happy with you. And…I know that I want to be with you. In every way” I confessed.

“Wow, I have to say I didn’t see this coming” he replied.

“Really? Haven’t you thought about it?” I asked starting to feel slightly self conscience.

“Oh trust me, I’ve thought about. A lot! But I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to scare you. I didn’t want you to feel like I was pushing you to do something you weren’t ready for. I wanted it to be all about you and I knew that when you were ready, you would come to me. I just didn’t think it would be so soon that’s all” he stated.

“Well I am ready. And I didn’t want to make you wait any more” I replied.

“Wait a second! I don’t want you to do this because you feel like I need to. Because I would wait forever if you wanted me to” he exclaimed.

I couldn’t help but laugh a bit at his reply, “Nick, I would never make you wait forever! Plus, that’s a little hard to believe!” I laughed.

“No it’s not” he laughed back. “I really would wait as long as you wanted me to you know” he stated very seriously. That was just one more thing I loved about him. And the more I thought about it the more I realized I did love him. I was pretty sure I did. Since I had never been in love before I couldn’t compare it to anything but everything I was feeling was pointing in one direction and that was love. So I said it. “I love you”.

It took him a minute to register what I had said and very smoothly replied, “I love you too”.

“You do?” I asked surprised.

“Yeah I do” he laughed back. “I’ve probably felt it a lot longer than you but I didn’t want to tell you…” he explained.

I cut him off, “because you didn’t want to scare me”. He just nodded. “Nick, I want you to know how much I appreciate how caring and thoughtful you are towards me but I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realized that fear only holds me back. And when I let go of that fear good things always seem to happen for us. So I want you to make me a deal. I don’t want you to hold anything back from me anymore because you’re afraid it might scare me. I think I’ve grown up enough to learn how to deal with anything you throw my way okay?” I asked him.

“Deal” he agreed.

“So do you think you could tell me one more time what you said to me earlier? I think I liked hearing that coming from you!” I said.

He chuckled a little and then easily spoke the four most perfect words I had ever heard him say, “I love you, Rhea”. At that was all I needed to solidify how I felt as I leaned in to kiss the man I loved. We lovingly held each other, kissing and softly caressing each other until I could feel it quickly turning into more. I knew that was the moment. I wanted to be with him right then and there and now he knew. I felt him tentatively move on top of me and begin to gently pull at the hem of my shirt. His eyes met mine and all I could see was pure love and desire. I hoped he could see the same in mine as I nodded my head for him to continue. As soon as he got the approval he was looking for there was no turning back. I was swept up in a whirl wind of emotions I had never felt before. I was feeling things I never knew possible. And seeing Nick in this light, his face full of such passion, the heat emanating from his body into mine, only fueled the fire I was feeling inside for him. And just as we become one he hauntingly whispered “I love you” once more. It was the most intense experience of my life and I felt like I was flying high for hours afterwards. Nick instantly asked if I was okay, which was an huge understatement for what I was feeling in that moment. All I could do was repeat “I love you” over and over until I was able to regain my composure. Finally, when words returned, I turned to him as we lay once again in each others arms and whispered, “thank you”.

“No, thank you” he replied.

“That was amazing Nick. Perfect” I added.

“Yes it was. Trust me Rhea, you might not know it yet or believe me when I say this, but that really was special. That doesn’t happen often. You are amazing. You are perfect for me” he revealed.

“Oh, Nick” I sighed and kissed him once more. “But I hope you’re wrong about one thing” I countered.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“I hope this does happen often. Very often! Because now that I’ve got a taste of what you have to offer, I’m never going back” I laughed.

“Oh Rhea, my funny girl” he laughed back. And with that we both peacefully drifted off into one of the best sleeps I had ever had in my life. I never wanted that feeling to go away.

The next morning Nick and I celebrated our new found love, oh a couple more times, before we started packing up our things to hit the road on our next long journey of this tour. By the time we got to the bus we were already exhausted but luckily we had a long ride to relax before the next stop. And as the bus began the pull onto the highway I began to wonder if it’s true when they say “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. I really hoped not because what happened in Vegas last night was something I wanted to happen everywhere we went.

Brushing the thought aside I took some time to call some of my family back home to fill them in on everything, well almost everything that had been going this last little while. I couldn’t wait to go home and share Nick with everyone and show him off a little. And I was also really excited to meet his family. We had already talked about what we were going to do after the tour ended and we both wanted to go home for a little bit to see our families and catch up. So we thought why not go together. The travel plans were already made to spend the first week in my home town. I already have plans to show Nick the beautiful Niagara Falls and take him anywhere touristy I can think of. Then we are going to fly back to Nick’s place in Tennessee for a week so he check on his house, show me around town, and as he says, to see why he fell in love with Tennessee in the first place. And then finally we are going to fly back out to California to see his family and get situated at his house there. Yep, I am going to be moving in with Nick after the tour. So it looks like I’m going to be a big city girl after all! Nick will have about a week off in Cali before he and the guys head back into the studio to record the next Backstreet Boys album. So you know what that means right? After an album comes a tour! And guess who’s already a got job lined up for that? Yep, me!

So that brings me back to where I started. Hanging out with my boyfriend on his tour bus. I know, it’s hard to believe. Trust me, I pinch myself everyday just to make sure I’m not dreaming. But I’ve gotta give some credit to reality or maybe it was destiny. I mean, I guess everything really does happen for a reason. Every time I think back at all the things I went through in my life, and whenever I start to hate certain things that happened, I have to stop myself, because if things didn’t happened the way they did, then I might not be sitting right where I am today. I also wouldn’t be the person that I am. I have gained so much confidence and self awareness over these last few months. I grew up in ways I never knew I could. I let my guard down and let someone in. And once I did he was able to break through all my walls and somehow find a way to love me for who I am. Just the way I am. And I am thankful for him and everyone else who came into my life everyday. Nick gave me love and showed me how to love. I don’t know if I was just lucky to find him or if it was really meant to be but either way I can’t help but believe that in some way it was our destiny to be together. All I know is I can’t wait to see what is in store for us in the future, but in reality, as long as I’m with him, it really doesn’t matter at all.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. Nick is calling me from his ‘teen, tiny’ bunk at the back bus claiming he’s feeling claustrophobic and needs someone to lie with him to make him feel better. Yeah right! Oh, and as for his fear of flying, I think the next time we are on a plane we might just have to experiment a little to find a different way to make him feel better. I don’t think hand holding is going to cut it anymore!