I had known them all my life. Well I had known Nick all my life; since I was 4. You know the story, boy meets girl; they become best friends, blah blah blah. That’s the way it was. I mean from making mud pies together, to playing football and b-ball, to the awkward phase of “I think I like you but I don’t know if I’m allowed to”. Thank God we got past that. Of course we did date in our teens and break up and get back together more times then I can even count. Hell, we are still doing that, except it was always so much easier when we were young. We would bounce back to being friends so easy, but now it’s not that easy you know? Every time we break up I wonder if that’s the end for good or we if will eventually find our way back to each other like we usually do. This time I’m not too sure what’s going to happen. For the first time in a long time I’m afraid I’ve lost Nick as my friend for good.

I did something really bad. I mean really, really bad. Something I don’t think he will ever forgive me for and the stupid thing is I don’t even know why I did it. I’m so dumb! Do you want to know what I did that was so bad I think I might have lost my best friend? I slept with his best guy friend. Not just any friend, his band mate. One of the guys he considers to be like another brother to him. Someone I have also known since, well since forever. If that’s not bad enough; you know losing Nick; I might have just broken up one of the biggest boy bands in the world. And why; I don’t know why!

No, I do know why. I was drunk and when I drink something bad always happens. That’s why I never drink. Let me just say right now, drinking is bad! Do Not Drink! And I know this, but that night something happened that pushed me over the edge. And what did I decide to do to solve the problem? Go out and party! How smart. And where did it get me? Oh yeah! I lost my BF and broke up a band. Good job J!

You probably want to know what happened to make me drink right? Nick and I were in that stage of flirting again. We called it quits about 6 months ago and things we good between us again. We were comfortable with each other and just having fun. But things were moving in the direction of it becoming more again. Nick had just broken up with another bimbo and I was trying the single thing. I was having fun not being attached and I like flirting. Who doesn’t? Nick and I always flirt by the way. It’s habit for us. So I didn’t think much of it. But after a while you can just tell when it’s more right? So one night I thought what the hell, why not and we slept together again. It was great. It always is. But it felt different this time. I wondered if it was only me. It wasn’t. Something happened that night. I can’t explain it but things were different between Nick and I; in a good way. We jumped back into a relationship way too fast but it felt right. So I went with it. And I was happy. I thought he was too. I was wrong.

Nick and I had played this game many times before. Every time we got together, I new it wouldn’t last. It was just good fun. We liked each other. Take advantage of that. Enjoy it while it lasted and then when the novelty wore off move on to someone else. When we were done with them we’d come back to each other for a while and the cycle would continue. It been that ways for years; since we were kids. It just got more complicated each time. So when I say that that time it was different, I meant I thought it was going to last. He said it would. I believed him. And for the first time ever in my life, I let someone in. I let him in. I got attached. I never get attached. I’d seen it enough growing up traveling with the guys on the road to know it never lasted. I figured if guys thought they could play me I could play that game just as well, if not better than any guy could. I mean, ladies come on; woman just have something on a guy when it comes to mind games. So I mastered “the game” and I always won. So when I finally decided to throw in the flag and forfeit it was like admitting defeat. But Nick assured me he felt the same and it would work.

Needless to say when I found him screwing some new bimbo in MY bed I lost it. I don’t know what I was more pissed at. The fact that he betrayed me, that he lied to me about making it last, or that I believed him. I broke my cardinal rule about letting a guy in and I lost at my own game. In my game I have rules. I broke rule number one so I had to make up ground. Rule number 2. An eye for an eye. If you get burned, burn them just as bad. And this is where the trouble begins.

If you want to get technical it was ALL his fault. If he had been true to me and not fucked some girl in my house this never would have happened. But no matter what way you look at it it’s my fault. And that pissed me off even more. I hate society for buying into a superficial, patriarchal, cliché, double standard that men use as a cop out to paint woman in a negative light so that they can get away with labeling us as sluts all because they are ashamed that a woman had more balls than he did to do what he couldn’t. By the way BOYS, if you call us sluts for doing what you can’t, then I call you a man-whore for doing everything (and everyone) you shouldn’t. I.e., screwing around on your girlfriend because you can’t keep your dick in your pants.

Considering this pretty much sums up how I felt and what I thought of Nick at that very moment, I set out on a quest to find a way to hurt him more than he had just hurt me. He’ll be sorry he even looked at the bimbo by the time I was done. Now let me just say that I did not have the intention of finding Alex and using him for revenge. It just happened that way. I had called almost every girlfriend I knew in the area and came up empty. I needed someone to go out with; I planned on getting wasted. That’s when I bumped into Alex. Another bit of info for you. Alex and I are amazing friends. Ladies, this is the kind of friend to have when you need a night out. And he doesn’t even drink! Can he get any better? He knew as soon as he saw me that something was wrong and before I could even ask he was dragging me out the door to the nearest club. I love that guy. I always complain to him when I have guy problems, especially Nick so I knew I could count on him to understand me.

We were having a great time, we’ll at least I know I was. I knew I was getting a little carried away but then I would think of Nick and bimbo and I didn’t seem to care anymore. I don’t really remember a whole lot to be honest with you. Apparently, I was with some guy and Alex got worried. He didn’t want me to leave with the guy so he took me home. I’ve always known there was something special between Alex and I. We just had a connection that I didn’t have with anyone else. Not even Nick. So when he asked to stay the night I didn’t say no. It wasn’t until I woke that I realized what had happened. I knew it was a mistake. I loved Alex, I really did, I still do, but we would never be together in that way. He knew it to. So we agreed to keep it between us. Funny thing is, we both forgot how easily people find things out. When you are on tour, you don’t have much privacy. Everyone knows everyone’s business. So we were naive to think that no one would know what happened. It was like they knew before we even realized what had happened ourselves. And obviously that meant Nick also knew. He made it known to everyone, by screaming at me at the top of his lungs in the hotel lobby, how little he thought of me after what I had done. This takes me back to my original point. Apparently it’s okay for him to do the exact same thing that I just did but I should be scorned for it. Oh, and can I mention how little I really did feel when I turned around and saw about 60 girls starring at me, some whispering, some in awe of what just happened. Fans, they are everywhere! And they make it crystal clear that they do not like me everywhere I go.

So what do I do now? Nick is more than furious with me for sleeping with his best friend. Alex is avoiding me just to be safe. If we are seen together it will only make things worse. The other three guys are upset with me but have chosen to stay out of it which basically means they are also not speaking with me. I have royally screwed myself. So I did the only thing I thought was right. I left. I packed my things, booked my flight, called a cab and left. It was in the cab on the way to the airport when everything fell apart. More than it already had. I got a text message from Leigh. She said the guys got into it good and Nick was in the hospital all beat up and he was threatening to leave the group. Alex said it was over and left the hotel and nobody could reach him. This was bad! Very bad!

How did this happen? Fifteen plus years of friendship down the drain. Fifteen years of time and dedication and dreams down the drain because of what? Because Nick and I had another stupid fight and we were acting immature again? Give me a break! Now I was mad again. He needed to pull his head out of his ass and come back down to earth. I was going to deflate his ego once and for all and make him realize what a jerk he was being. This was just stupid. I mean seriously? I told my cabby to take me to the hospital. I left Alex a message hoping he would show up though it was doubtful. Nick had better be ready for me because I was a seriously pissed of chick on a mission and he was my main target.

When I finally got there it was mayhem. Kevin was screaming at Nick and I could hear him before I even got inside. Leigh was crying and Brian wouldn’t talk. Howie was talking to a nurse and Alex was still nowhere to be found. Not good. Not good at all! When I entered the room everything went silent. I saw Nick sitting on the hospital bed with his hand wrapped up the worst black eye I have ever seen. I didn’t have time for questions or to see if he was okay. He didn’t waste any time and started yelling at me right away. I asked Kevin to leave and just starred at Nick. I let him get it all out. It took a while but eventually when he realized I wasn’t even flinching he asked “aren’t you going to say anything”? Nope! Not until he stopped whining like a baby which he always did and it annoyed the hell out of me. After a couple minutes of silence I finally let go and took my turn to yell at him. I couldn’t even begin to tell you everything I said and some things I wouldn’t even if I could. It’s between Nick and I and it always will be. To this day I’m amazed that there are still some things that we talked about in that hospital room that no one knows but him and I. I swear, that never happens. I take pride in that! Anyway, after lots of talking, yelling and tears, he broke. He admitted defeat. He admitted he was wrong. Let me just say, in all the years I have known him he has never, ever said the words “I was wrong”. So for a minute there I let it sink in. I’ll admit I felt a little evil when I laughed a little while he cried but he knew why. I couldn’t help it. Talk about ego boost! But this was just the start. I still had no idea where we stood. Were we friends again? I mean in less than 24 hours I went from being head over heels in love with him to loathing him and almost ruining a lot of people’s lives. And what about Alex? Were they going to work things out? By the way, how the hell did NICK get his ass kicked? Kevin. He doesn’t like whiners either and he would do anything to protect his little sis. Me! Love you Kev.

It took another day to finally find Alex. My biggest fear was that I would find him in a bar. I did NOT want to be responsible for that. I found him at the studio. Classic! Quite a few songs came from those few days. Amazing songs. A whole album actually! Hint, Hint! I’m pretty sure 99% of them are about me so when you hear a chick bashing song you can thank me! Sorry ladies! But I guess it is only fair since I have quite a few gaiter-hater songs myself. This story probably counts too.

It seems only fitting to end this where it began. I have known them all my life. I hope I will for the rest of it too. I didn’t lose Nick. Or Alex. We are all great friends still. It took a while to work it all out but we did work it out. The group is still together! God, they just won’t go away will they? You won’t catch Alex and I in a bar together any time soon unless you see us in a group sitting at opposite ends of the table and I’m getting in a cab alone! Nick and I? We are still us. Best Friends? Definitely! Do we flirt still? Oh yeah! Is there more in the future? I have no idea. You tell me!