Okay, so we did it. Two days ago. We just got back from Vegas. How crazy is that! Vegas! Yep, Nick and I got married. MARRIED! You heard me, even though I said I never would, I did it. I’m a married woman. I guess you could say I had a change of heart. Some people might say they get married because they don’t want anyone else to have the person they love. Obviously that is not why I married Nick. I think probably half the female population wants to be with Nick and that doesn’t bother me. It actually makes me feel pretty good that the person I love, who is wanted by so many people, only wants me. For other woman it might make them feel insecure but for me it makes me feel so much more confident in myself.

Anyway, why did I finally marry Nick? Because, I can’t see myself living without him. I literally do not want to live a day without him by my side or in my life. You see, about a week ago I thought I had lost him. I mean really lost him. And for a minute there I seriously thought I was going to die because he was gone. It’s different if the person you love goes to work and comes home; you can deal with being away from them for a day. It’s also different if they leave for a week or months or even half a year but you know they are coming back. I’ve done that. It’s hard, but you do it. It’s a whole other feeling when you think that person is gone and is never coming back. I have never felt anything like the way I felt when I thought that Nick had died. And I never want to feel that way again.

It was a Tuesday morning and the phone rang. I thought it was Nick calling to tell me the plane had landed or they were delayed. But the person on the other end was not Nick. It was a Deputy Marshall calling to tell me that the plane Nick was on had crashed. I don’t remember anything he said after I heard the word crashed. I’m pretty sure I dropped the phone and started to cry without even realizing I was crying. I couldn’t think straight. What did he mean the plane had crashed? Nick had been flying for years and more than anyone else I know. He hated flying but he had to do it for his job. He even had a ritual before stepping on a plane. He never got on a plane without saying a prayer and he only stepped on with his right foot because that’s his lucky foot. Whatever that means, I never understood it, but I’m sure he did it this time too so how could the plane have crashed? It just wasn’t possible. Why did Nick’s plane have to crash? Why that one, why him? It wasn’t fair. I needed to know what happened. Was it fast? Did he suffer? Was he hurt? It was right when I was thinking about everything that he had gone through that I suddenly realized he wasn’t alone. They were all on that plane. I had to call Leighanne and Kristin and Leigh. Had they heard yet? Were they feeling like me right now? Did they hurt as much as me? Maybe more? I mean two of them had husbands on that plane. That had to hurt more than losing a boyfriend right? If that’s true I didn’t believe it because I felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest. Nick wasn’t my husband but he sure as hell could have been. I mean we’d been together for almost half our lives. We lived together, we have children. We’ll if you consider your dogs your babies like we do then yes, we do have kids. I loved him like a husband. Why was it that at this very moment I wanted so badly to be able to call him my husband? I had never felt that way before. Why was it that the very moment I discover he’s gone is when I decide I want to marry him? This was not fair! I needed him to know how much I loved him. I loved him enough to want to marry him. He’s asked me enough times, and every time I said no. Why? Why did I do that? Why did I keep turning away the man who loved me so much? This just wasn’t happening.

It was during my revelation that I really did want to marry Nick that the girls came over, in as much of a mess as me. We spent the whole day hovering over the phone waiting for any call that might end our torture and tell us they were wrong and it wasn’t their plane that crashed. But that never happened. I went to bed alone that night. I cried myself to sleep. Well, if you would even call it sleep. When I woke up the next morning I was hoping it was all a nightmare. That I would turn over and see him there sleeping beside me. But that didn’t happen either. He wasn’t there. Our bed never felt so big or so cold before. But you know what? I would never get rid of that bed no matter what ended up happening. Nick picked out that bed. I thought it was way too big but he thought it was perfect. That first night we slept in it I was not ashamed to tell him he was right. I didn’t want to get up the next morning. It was like heaven. But that morning I couldn’t get out of that bed fast enough. It just reminded me too much of him. Everywhere I turned something reminded me of him. There was even a pile of his dirty close on the floor beside the bed. And for once I didn’t care that he had left dirty close on the floor. I was actually glad because they still smelled like him.

The girls had stayed at our place for the night. None of us wanted to be alone. We were all sitting in the kitchen starring at the phone again when the front door slammed open so loud I nearly spilled my coffee all down the front of Nick’s favorite shirt I was wearing. I was so preoccupied trying to make sure there was no coffee on his shirt I totally forgot that someone might be breaking into my house right now. And I almost thought someone was when I heard Leighanne scream so loud I thought she had been shot. I looked up to see what she was looking at thinking maybe it was another officer confirming their deaths. It couldn’t have been more the opposite. They were here. They were alive! He was alive! He didn’t die! I hadn’t cried since the first phone call two days ago. I was just too numb to even try to cry. But when I saw him standing there with his old backpack hanging on his arm, just starring at me, I broke. I cried so hard I couldn’t see him anymore and that made me cry more because I needed to see him. I needed to know he was really there. I needed to touch him. I needed him to be real. I heard his bag fall to the floor and I knew he was coming towards me. Everything happened in slow motion. I could hear the girls crying. I could hear Kevin crying. Everyone was talking at once. So many questions were flying around the room. I wanted to know the answers to all of them too but right now I didn’t hear them. All I could hear was my heartbeat in my ears. And then I felt him. He grabbed me and pulled me to him so hard it almost hurt but I didn’t care. I needed that. I needed him to hold me so tight I couldn’t breath. And he did. He knew. He knew exactly what I needed. He whispered my name over and over, probably trying to prove to me that he was really there. I could feel his heartbeat running through my body and I knew he was there. He was alive. I didn’t lose him. And I needed him to know that no matter what I needed him. I really did need him as much as he needed me. So I said the only thing that made sense to me. “Marry Me”. Not I love you, because that was obvious. He knew I loved him, what he didn’t know was how much I loved him. And this proved it. I looked up at him with blurry eyes and all I cold see were his beautiful blue eyes sparkling at me in a way I’d never seen before. He knew now. And we were never going to let each other go.

It turns out they never got on the plane that had crashed. They were late. Well, Nick was late. I will never be mad at him for being late again! They got stuck at some random hotel in the middle of nowhere waiting for another flight and heard about their plane crashing. Management wanted to keep things under wraps until it all got sorted out and a statement was released. In the meantime, all phone calls were cut off. Needless to say, who ever made that call to confiscate phones after a tragic accident was quickly fired. So two days after the crash, they came strolling in all in one piece and very much alive!

Nick and I left for Vegas the next day. We drove the whole way and got married that night. We came home two days later and we couldn’t be happier. As I sit here and tell you my story I can guarantee my girls are going crazy right now planning us a real wedding for next summer. Yep, me in a white dress, Nick in a penguin suit, and all 200 guests on the beach behind our house. It’s going to be perfect. And not because we’re having some huge over the top cliché wedding, that I said I would never have by the way. It’s going to be perfect because I will be marrying Nick. Again!