IF ONLY YOU KNEW

CHAPTER ONE: STUCK IN ICE

December 7, 2007

 The cold December sun broke through the clouds, causing the snow to glitter like diamonds. Growing up in Florida all my life, I guess you can say that I’m not used to snow. I love it when it snows. That’s why it was my idea to go skiing for mine and Angels birthday, up here in the Colorado Rockies. I love how the snow drifts down to Earth and hits me softly in the face. It makes me feel at peace. Which is the way I feel right now. I closed my eyes, taking in the soft snowflakes that fell gently on my skin. My fingers brushed the fresh snow that fell all around me. I closed my eyes, and breathed in the sweet smell of winter air. I heard someone sit next to me, but I didn’t attempt to open my eyes and see who it was. I reached out and touched the person sitting next to me and then I smiled to myself.

“Hi Angel.” I said with a slight grin, eyes still closed.

“How did you know it was me?” She asked.

 “You’re my twin. I know these things.” I said, flashing a smile. Angel laughed.

“Well, okay then. Nick is doing his last ski down the slope and then we’re going to go back to the cabin and sip some delicious hot chocolate.”

I opened up one eye and looked at her, “Did you say chocolate?” Angel nodded. I held out a hand for her to lift me off of the ground. I laughed as she glared at me. She quickly took my outstretched hand and lifted me up. “Thanks!” I playfully put her in a choke hold and kissed the top of her head over and over. She squealed trying to break free from my hold, but I did not surrender.

“Ah! Aaron let gooo! You’re messing up my hair!” “I love you, Angel Charisma.” I grinned cheekily.

 “I love you too……after you let go!” She growled, punching me in the back. I let go and pulled her hair out of her face.

 “Why thank you, sir! That was very kind of you!” Angel said, in a fake British accent. Angel never fails to put a smile on my face. As she turned to join Collin at the bench further down the slope, I got a sudden idea. Me and my sneaky plans. I love my sisters, so I absolutely love pissing them off. I bent down, picking up a some snow and packing it tight into a nice round snowball. HAHA! I reared back and threw the snowball at her.

SPLAT!

The snowball hit her in the back of her coat. Angel twirled around and glared at me. Of course I was standing there, acting like I didn’t do it. Come on! It was Casper not me!

“Did you just throw a snow ball at me??” My eyes went wide. “What, lil Ole me?? I did no such thing!” I must have known that I wasn’t going to win this. I’m a winner at a losing game, lately, because my stupid ass can’t keep a straight face. I started to snicker, behind my hand. Dammit! I got to work on this!

“I love yoooouuu!” I sang between giggles. Angel growled and raced toward me. Oh crappers!

 “Oh you are going to die, boy. TODAY!” I shrieked as Angel jumped on me and knocked me on the ground.

“This is my brand new three thousand dollar suede winter coat. If it gets ruined it’s coming out of your paycheck!! Got me?!” She yelled in my face, as she lightly banged my head against the ground. I hardly notice, since I was laughing to hard.

“Then why the hell….did you wear it to the slopes…for!?” I breathed in and out hard, trying to catch my breath. My chest yearned for air. I just couldn’t stop laughing and it hurt.

 “Oh pish posh.” She growled under her breath, then finally jumped off of me.

“Who says that anymore??” I rolled my eyes, coughing and trying to clear my throat from all the laughing I was doing. I hoisted myself up and ran into Nick.

“Did she just say that coat of hers cost three thousand dollars??” Nick laughed.

“It’s not just a coat…its suede. Which is Prada to her.” I joked. Nick patted me on the back and we ran to catch up with Angel and Collin. I kept my distance from Angel of course, because she kept giving me death glares. If looks could kill……if they could only kill.

*********

 Back at the cabin, a roaring fire flickered in the fireplace, keeping the place warm and toasty. Angel and Collin cuddled together on the couch, while Nick sat in the chair next to them talking to Brian on the phone. As for me, I sat near the window, looking out. The soft sound of the TV ran through the air. My attention popped away from the window when I heard the volume being turned up. Nick held the remote in one hand and his phone in another, while keeping his eye on the weather.

 “There are already several power outages across Colorado, including Colorado Springs and parts of Denver……leaving millions of people without power. This storm is producing several inches of ice every hour. It is hazardous outside and people are urged to stay indoors, until the road ways are clear.” I sighed and let my eyes fall to the floor. Nick turned off the TV.

“Brian I got to go, man. Tell LeAnn and Bailey I said Wassup!” Nick said into the phone. He said goodbye, and then stood up and walking over to me.

“Crazy isn’t it?” Nick asked, looking worriedly out of the window.

“Yeah. It’s really coming down out there.”

 “Aaron, we may be stuck here for a couple of days. You heard the weather man. It’s dangerous to be outside and the ice is only going to get worse for the next couple of days.” I raised my eyes at him, then gently rested my head up against the side of the window.

“Yeah. How long did he say that it was going to last? The storm I mean.” I asked.

“It’ll start clearing out late Wednesday evening.”

“That’s three days from now.” I gapped at the answer I got, “Nick, do we have enough food or anything. What if the pipes burst? We need water you know.”

“We’ll drip all the sinks and pray they won’t burst, okay. And on food, we should be okay, unless Collin doesn’t eat it all up first.” Nick said, snickering. I smiled at the joke, then looked at Collin and Angel. They slept peacefully on the couch.

“I’m going to attend to the sinks. Be right back.”

I nodded and jumped a little, because my phone vibrated in my pocket, “Okay.” I answered back at him. I pulled out my phone when it kept vibrating. Someone was calling me. I looked to see who it was and if I was willing to talk to them. Call me a bitch for that, but sometimes I just don’t feel like talking. Usually it’s my friend Johanna; that girl just won’t shut up. So sometimes when she calls, I just ignore it and just text her later. I do that from time to time. But when I looked at the caller it was Ginger my step mom. So I answered it.

“Hello?” I said, slipping myself into the chair that Nick was sitting at earlier.

“Hi sweetie. How did your day go? Did you guys go skiing? Did you have fun?” I rolled my eyes and chuckled to myself.

 “Yes we went skiing, yes we had fun, and our day went great. Had a blast today. What about yours? How was work?”

 “Oh, you know the usual. Whipping old peoples asses, someone shitting on you, you know…same old stuff. God, I hope you don’t end up getting on the floor, Aaron. I don’t know why people keep asking you if you’re going to do what your momma does.” I grimaced. I hate it when people ask me if I’ll go out on the floor some day. Ugh! No!

“Oh good lord, hell no! Even if I wanted to, I don’t have time to go to school to be a CNA. I’ll just stick to the kitchen and make sure the old people get their food. You know I’m going to have to quit when I get my album out right.”

 “Yeah I know.”

 “I don’t think Grandma understands that. You know she only wants to work with me. Everyone else is worthless piece of….crap.” I cleared my throat and then continued, “I’m already getting tired of everyone. All I do is clean up after these people. Amanda needs to hire someone worthy. Not stupid ass lazy teenagers.” I told her. And yes I’m bitching…..again.

“You were a teenager when you started. Remember, you started before you guys did House of Carters.”

 I nodded and sighed, “I know. From the very beginning on to now, I’m the only one who cares about what that kitchen looks like.” I chuckled, then rolled my eyes. Seriously though I’m getting sick and tired of EVERYONE there. Even the nurses and the Aids. They think I’m clueless and stupid and talk to me like I have no idea what the hell is going on. Even some of the residents to that to me. Uh...its infuriating!

 “Anyway dear, enough talk about work. There is a reason why I called you.”

I smiled, “What? To tell me how much you love me?” She laughed on the other end.

“You know how much I love you hunnie, but no um….this is serious.” She said. Serious?? Okay that caught my attention. I sat up straight.

 “Serious? Whats going on? Is Taylin okay??” I felt myself starting to freak out. I’ve been on the edge of my seat when anything had to do with Taylin, especially after what happened to her back in September. She got hit by a car, while playing in our own yard. All though she made it, obviously…she still lost her left arm. And sometimes she has complications from that.

“This isn’t about Taylin….” I heard her say. I felt my heart relax. I took a breath and sat back into the chair, “It’s about you.” She continued. Whoa wait what??

 “Me? Mom, what are you talking about? Good Lord, what did I do now? Did dad find something else to be mad at me for?”

 “No and would you calm yourself?”

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, “Yeah, sorry. Go ahead.”

 “Okay….” I heard her take a deep breath, “Okay first off when you are guys going to be home tomorrow?”

 I opened my mouth to say something and stopped. I got up and went back to the window and looked out, “Man….mom….Colorado is having a major ice storm at this very moment and I don’t think we’ll be home until later next week. You know Nick won’t risk driving in this crap.”

 “Are you kidding me?”

 “Yeah, sorry.”

 “Dammit.”

 “Mom, just tell me please.” I pleaded with her. She needed to tell me and it was serious. Lets go now, mom! What is it???

 “Aaron…. I really want to tell you when you get back. Where I can sit you down and talk to you face to face. I don’t really want to tell you over the phone, hunnie.” I sighed heavily, “There is absolutely no way you guys can try to make it home? You guys aren’t too far away from the border and once you get into California, the sun should be out. You’ll be fine once you’re in Cali.” She continued.

“Gee…I don’t know. Nicks driving mom and I know he’s gonna say no.”

“Say no to what??” I jumped when I heard Nick come into the room and stand in front of me.

 “Hold on, mom.” I put the phone down on my shoulder, “That’s mom. She wants to know if there is any way we get home by tomorrow evening sometime.”

Nick blinked a couple of time and pressed his lips together, “Has she lost it? Did you tell her whats going on outside right now? We’re in an ice storm.”

 I nodded, “Yeah, I told her our situation.”

“Why does she want us back so bad?”

 “She has something serious she wants to discuss with me….”

Nick nodded, “Ohhh…..okay. But no man, there is no way we’ll be able to make it home by tomorrow. Even if we try, the farthest we’ll be going is into a ditch.” Nick said, patting my should brotherly. I nodded and got back to my mom.

“Mom, there is just no way.” I told her. I heard her take another deep breath.

“Okay sweetie.”

 “Gaw this is going to bother the hell out of me now.”

“Hunnie just get through the rest of the week okay, alright. Have fun. Try not to worry about it. Worry about it when you’re on your way home. And once you’re home we’ll talk okay?”

 “Alrighty.”

 “Alright. Well I’m going to get off here and get to bed. I love you and I’ll see you soon.”

 “I love you too. Goodnight.” I slowly hung up the phone and threw it on the nearby table. I groaned and laid my head back against the chair. Okay, this is going to be entirely impossible to not worry about it. Why did she have to say that it was serious. What the hell did I do that was so bad???

Crap, this is going to be a sucky couple of days.

Chapter Two: The News

 If You Only Knew

DECEMBER 13, 2007

 “Hallelujah! Only thirty more miles until we get to LA! Can I get a whoop whoop!!” I sang excitedly, throwing my hands up in the air. Angel laughed and patted me on the leg.

 “You sound like you never been to LA, Aaron.” Nick said, looking at me from the rear view mirror. I glared at him.

“Hey, I’ve been riding in this car for ten straight hours, so why don’t you just shut up.” I said with a sneer. Nick just smiled at me and turned his attention back to the road. Angel shifted in her seat, so she was facing me.

“Remember, once we get home mom’s going to tell you some serious news, Or did you forget?” I slowly turned my head to her, my eyes slitted into a glare.

“Well, I was trying to forget until you opened your mouth. So why don’t you shut up too.”

“Dude, don’t talk to my baby like that.” Collin said. I shot a look at him.

“She’s my sister, DUDE. And Collin, you can just kiss my white ass.” I told him, sitting back in my seat, and resting my head in my hand. I groaned and lifted my head back up. “Gaw, now you got me worried again. Nick drive slower.” I said. Nick just laughed and ignored me. Ugh! I can wait for whatever news mom needs to tell me. I could feel my stomach turning. Gee I was nervous! I went crazy being stuck in Colorado for almost a week. And once I got into the car and we headed home, I almost forgot all about it. That is until Angel opened up her damn mouth. Angel can never keep her mouth shut, that’s why my secrets are kept to myself. I sunk down in my seat and closed my eyes.

****

After we finally got home, I reached into the trunk to get my bags. Nick came up beside me and put my hand on mine. I looked up at him.

“I got your bags, man. Go ahead and go talk to mom.” Nick told me. I sighed and looked down, still holding on to the handle of my bag. I finally nodded and headed toward the house. I walked into the living room and saw Taylin laying on the couch, a book in her right hand. I walked up to her and softly kissed her on the forehead.

“Hi, Tay.” I said, She looked up from her book and smiled at me. She marked her place in her book and swung her right arm around my neck, hugging me tightly. I hugged her back.

 “I missed you.” She said in a tiny voice.

 “I wasn’t gone for that long, Tay.” I said, chuckling a bit.

“It seemed like forever to me.” She said and sweetly gave me a little peck on the cheek. I smiled to myself and pulled away.

 “How are you feeling today?”

 “Pretty good, actually.” She replied.

 “Well that’s good to hear.”

Taylin smiled, “Yup!” She picked up her book and reopened it. I looked at her book. She was reading The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult. I smiled to myself. I absolutely love Jodi, so it pretty cool to see Taylin reading her too.

“This one is good.” I said, tapping a finger on the book.

“Yeah, I can’t put it down.”

I nodded, “Where’s mom at?” I asked her. Taylin picked up the book and held it closer to her face, frowning at the pages.

 “I…..think she’s…in the kitchen.” She answered. I laughed at her expression as she read a page. She is really enjoying that book. I thanked her and wondered into the kitchen. I saw my mom standing by the sink, sipping a glass of ice water.

“Hey, beautiful lady.” I said, embracing her. She laughed and returned the favor. I always said that every time I greeted her. Dad won’t even do anything like that and it saddens her a bit. I pulled back and held her hands in my mine.

“So lets get this over with. What bad news do you need to tell me?” I said, staying as calm as I could possibly be. My mom shook her head.

“No. Not in here. Lets go to your bedroom.” She replied. I rolled my eyes playfully and let her drag me into my room. Once in, I sat on my bed as she shut the door slowly behind her. I pulled my knees up to my chest.

“Here, I got you a glass of ice water too.” She said, handing me the glass. I took it with ease and quickly took a big gulp.

“Thanks, my mouth is so dry.” I said, sighing. I put the water on the table beside me and looked back at her. She was standing up against the wall, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She chewed her bottom lip and I could tell that she was having trouble telling me what she needed to tell me. Oh, great.

 “Okay, first of all. This news is….serious. But it depends if it’s bad or not from how you react to it.” She said. I swallowed, then nodded urging her to go on, “Aaron, I know you don’t like it when me or your father or anyone else brings up your past…but….I have to ask you a question.”

I gave her nod, “Okay….”

She clamped her hands together and stood in front of me, “When you were around…oh I don’t know….fifteen, sixteen years old, did you know a girl named Jasmin?”

I blinked once. What?? “Uh……I don’t know.”

 “Aaron, this is serious. I need you too really think. Does the name Jasmin ring a bell? Is it an old girlfriend? Old fling? What, hunnie? Think about it.” I took a deep breath and looked at the ground. The name did ring a bell, like I’ve hung out with that girl before.

“Yeah,” I started. “The name sounds familiar.” “Do you remember where you know her from?” I stayed silent for a few seconds, when suddenly…..I remembered her.

CRAP.

I stood up and stood by my window. I glanced out the window for a few seconds then turned back to my mom.

 “Mom, Jasmin was a girl that I used to hook up with when I was sixteen. Around the time where I was doing….stupid shit.” I said, looking straight at her. I felt ashamed. Why the hell is she asking me this? What can possibly be so serious if it involves Jasmin? I haven’t seen or heard from that chick in over three years. Why the hell would I care??

 “How many times did you hook up with her?” She asked me. Oh snap, what the hell??

“I don’t know! It was way more than once that’s for damn sure. But I don’t know. Mom, what the hell does this have to do with her?” I asked. She walked over to me and pulled me back down on the bed.

She swallowed hard, then finally turned to me. “Aaron, Jasmin died....last week.” I blinked. And??

“Okay, well that’s really bad. Do--do you know how?”

“She died from a drug overdose.”

 I frowned, “Well, I’m sorry for that, but how did you find that out?”

She licked her lips, “I got a call from the Los Angelas police department. And they told me.” She said.

 “But---” I started to say something but she cut me off.

“Listen to me. They called me for a reason. Aaron, when Jasmin died she left something behind.”

 I blink again. “What?”

“She left a little girl.” She said.

 I gapped. Huh?? “She had a will. In her will it said that that child will never know her daddy, unless it was over her dead body. And in this case….literally over her dead body. When she dies.”

“So what are you saying? That this child is--is mine??” I could not believe this. No. This is not happening.

“The police don’t know that. But hunnie….answer one more question for me okay.”

 I sighed, heavily, “What?”

 “When you and Jasmin hooked up, did you guys ever have unprotected sex?”

 I groaned loudly and fell back onto the bed, “Mom, come on!”

 “Just answer the damn question!”

I rubbed my eyes with my hand for a few seconds, then looking my mom straight in the eye, “Mom….I had sex with Jasmin every time I hooked up with her. And most of the time I was too drunk out of my fucking mind to even remember it!” I replied, rubbing my head. She didn’t say anything, “What do you think? Do you think that this baby is mine, mom?” I continued.

“Well, “ She started, “I can’t say, until you go to the hospital and have a DNA testing. That’s what the police wants you to do. And that’s why I was wanting you home last week. But I have no control over the weather or no control over your brother too so….” I shook my head in dismay. How can I be so damn stupid? Shit, what if this kid is mine? What the hell am I suppose to do? I guess I can go ahead and do that damn DNA testing…shit. But what if it comes out to be true?? Oh damn I’m scared shitless!

“Um…do you know anything about her? How old is she?” I asked, barely recognizing my voice. I talked to quietly, it was a miracle that she even heard me, because when I looked up she was giving me a small smile.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. They wouldn’t give me any information about her. Hunnie, do you know anything else about Jasmin?”

 I sighed, “Yeah. She was a stripper at the time.” I said, looking at her for a split second that looked down at the ground, “So…..this child could possibly NOT be mine. Since strippers are whores who dream of being porn stars, mom.” I said, getting off the bed and heading back into the kitchen. She got up and joined me.

“This DNA test is to know for sure. But according to Jasmins will….she actually had your name on it.”

“She could be lying too,” I sighed heavily. “When do I need to do this?”

“As soon as possible would be best. Just to make sure, sweetie.” I had no idea what to feel at the moment. I leaned against the counter, resting my hands up against it. A lump started to form in my throat. I closed my eyes and clinched my teeth to try and keep the tears in. I felt her put a comforting hand on my back. She hugged me from behind, resting her chin on my shoulder.

“Hunnie….if she is yours….I would like to know what you’ll do. I won’t be mad if you decide not to take her…..”

 “Are you kidding me?” I shot her a glare. “If she is mine-I’m going to take her! She’s mine! She’s my responsibility. I’m not going to abandon her too! I’m not that kind of person.” I said, a sob finally escaping from me. I covered my mouth and cried. I can’t believe I might be a daddy. If she is mine, I’ll never leave her. How can I even think of not taking her. I’m no asshole and I’m defiantely not going to be no dead beat dad either. I want to make things right. If she is mine, I’ll give her everything. I’ll give her the whole damn world.

“I know you won’t, hunnie.”

“I--I just….” I took a shaky breath and looked at her. “Mom…”

She smiled, a tear making it’s way down her cheek, “Yes?”

I forced a smile through my tears, “I hope she is mine.” She took me in arms and held me. I sobbed into her shoulder, wrapping my arms around her tighter. She kissed my head neck tenderly and stroked my hair.

 “I hope she is too. Just go make sure, okay.”

 “Mmkay.” I said quietly. I went back to my room and closed the door. Laying on my bed, I grabbed my phone out of my bag. Grasping it in my hand tightly, I didn’t know what to feel. My body felt numb and the only thing that I could feel was the pounding of my heart. With shaky hands I pushed my doctors office number. When he answered, I told him that I’ll be going by the hospital for a DNA testing.

Chapter 3 ---- If You Only Knew

December 14, 2007

 *Children’s Hospital Los Angeles*

Catherine Hedges, a beautiful young nurse, gracefully walked down the long bright hall of the Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. A small smile grazed her face. Catherine hummed silently to herself, her thoughts swimming away from her. She headed toward room 102, where she would be tending to a little girl who had just arrived from Cedar Sinai. Catherine didn’t know much about the girl. All she knew was that the little girl is only three years old and she was quickly taken out of an unsanitary home and immediately placed into intensive care, possibly a victim of child abuse and neglect. Catherine hoped the little girl would remain calm, but with the dramatic experience the little girl possibly went through, Catherine thought that was highly unlikely. Catherine didn’t know she was about to find out how strong that little girl would be.

Catherine slowly made her way to the door of room 102. She quietly slipped in and closed the door behind her. The room was cheerful and bright. Winnie the Pooh and Friends lined up the walls, stuffed animals filled the shelves, and a Scooby doo rocking chair sat in the corner by the window. ‘what a cute little room.’ Catherine thought quietly to herself. Making her way toward the bed, she grazed her fingers along the Winnie the Pooh bed spread. She pulled the rocking chair up to the bed and sat down in it. Catherine gasped, raising her right hand to her chest when the blanket moved and underneath was the little girl. She looked up at Catherine, her big chocolate brown eyes starred right through her. Her eyes were silent and calm, and her face showed no emotion. The little girl just gazed at her, her tiny hand resting comfortably at her side. Catherine finally smiled and leaned forward, slowly placing her warm hands on the little girls tiny hand. Catherine tensed up when she made contact with her; the girls hand was ice cold. Catherine gently rubbed the girls hand back and forth with her own, creating warmth for the little girl. Catherine saw the girl give her a small smile and when she did her eyes lit up. Catherine rubbed her hands for a few more minutes until the little girls hands felt warm again.

“Thank you.” The little girl whispered. Catherine almost had to strain her ears to hear her, but thank goodness she can read lips, “It’s cold in here.”

Catherine gave her a warm smile, “You’re welcome. And yes, it is cold in here,” Catherine said, standing up and putting her hands on the girls chest. “Would you like another blanky?”

 The little girl shook her head, “No thank you.” Catherine nodded. ‘Wow. No matter what this child has gone through, she sure is polite and oh so sweet.’ She thought.

“Would you like to sit up?”

 The little girl smiled and nodded, “Can you help me?”

Catherine held out her hands and smiled, “It’s what I’m here for.” Catherine chuckled, wrapping her arm around the little girls waist. She lifted her up and let her slowly fall back against the pillows. Catherine let out a quiet sigh. She sat back down and closed her eyes. Catherine wanted to cry. As she lifted the girl up, she suddenly felt a wave of sadness hit her. The girl was so tiny and fragile. Catherine knew that if she wasn’t careful, she was sure that the girl would break. The little girls blond hair fell carelessly over her shoulders, and Catherine reached forward to push it out of her face.

“What is your name?” The little girl asked.

“My name is Catherine. But people call me Cat for short.”

The girl pressed her lips together, “Cat? Like a kitty cat?” Catherine chuckled, “Yes, exactly like a kitty cat.” The girl smiled, resting her head against the pillow, “Is your name Christina?”

The girl nodded, “Yes, but my Uncle Mikey called me CJ.” “Aw really?”

She nodded, “Christina….what’s your middle name?”

CJ looked at her hands for a minute, “Juliana….” She answered in a tiny voice.

“Aw that is too cute.” Catherine gushed.

CJ shrugged, “I guess so. That’s my mommy’s name.”

“That’s your mommy’s name?”

CJ nodded, keeping her head down. “Yeah and I don’t want to talk about my mommy.” She said.

Catherine nodded, trying hard to understand why, “Okay, we don’t have to talk about your mommy then. Um…what do you like to do for fun?” Catherine asked. CJ suddenly got that look in her eyes as if she was scared of answering that question or she was finding it hard to find an answer.

“Um….I like to color….” CJ quietly answered.

“Colorings fun. I like to color too.”

“…and I like to read….” CJ continued.

Catherine raised her eyebrows, surprisingly. “You like to read?”

 CJ nodded, gazing at her, “Yeah.”

 “Who taught you how to read?”

CJ sat there in silence for a few seconds, “Well….I kind of taught myself how to read. But my uncle Mikey helped me when he could.”

“That was nice of him.” Catherine said, “What else do you like?” CJ just shrugged silently. Catherine nodded, tapping her fingers on the edge of the bed. “Do you like dollies?”

 “No.” Catherine’s eyes widened. CJ was fairly to quick to answer that question, “But I like stuffed animals. Mostly monkeys. They are cute.” She added.

Catherine laughed, “So when is your birthday?”

CJ grinned from ear to ear, “Christmas.”

Catherine gapped, “Really?? Wow, lucky you! I wish my birthday was on Christmas….”

 CJ shrugged, “It’s really nothing special.”

Catherine nodded, biting her nail, “CJ….can I ask you a question?”

 “I guess so.” She answered.

Catherine licked her lips and took a deep breath, “How come you don’t want to talk about your mommy?”

CJ stared at her, “I told you not to mention her and you bring her up anyway?” Catherine’s gaze quickly landed on the floor. She prayed CJ wouldn’t get so upset that she would start to cry. And you know how toddlers get when they start crying. “I’m sorry sweetie, I’m just curious. Can you tell me one reason and I won’t mention her again?” Catherine carefully said.

CJ sighed, her eyes still on Catherine, “She died.”

Catherine’s heart dropped, “Oh…I’m sorry.”

CJ shrugged, showing no emotion whats so ever, “It’s okay. I’m not that sad about it.” CJ flatly said. Catherine sucked in a breath ‘what in the world did her mother do to make her say something like that. Goodness….’ Catherine thought. She shook her head, shaking the thought out. She didn’t want to think much more about it. It hurt her heart too much.

“Okay sweetie, I won’t bring it up again. “CJ nodded, “So, tell me about your uncle Mikey.”

CJ lowered her eyes to the ground, “My uncle Mikey was a soldier. He was the only one that seemed to care about me. He was always away, fighting for what he believed in. He would write me all the time. When he came home he always got me a new monkey….and some other stuff.” CJ said, staring out in front of her, “He died a couple of months ago. I miss him….”

 Catherine reached forward and put her hand on CJ’s, “I know you do.” CJ sniffled and forced a small smile. Then the door slowly opened up and an older woman poked her head into the room.

“It’s almost time for lights out.” The woman said.

Catherine nodded, “Okay. We’re about done here.” The older woman smiled and left the room. “Well dear, you heard the lady. Time for bed.” Catherine said, laying CJ back down and tucking her in tightly.

 “It was nice talking with you.” CJ said sweetly, smiling up at her. Catherine smiled and kissed her head.

“It was nice. Goodnight sweetie.” Catherine got up and headed toward the door.

 “I know my daddy is out there.” Catherine stopped at the door, her hand resting on the light switch. She turned slightly, looking at her.

“What was that?”

“My daddy….he’s out there. I just know he is. My mommy kept me a secret from him. But he’s out there. Do you know where he is, Cat?”

 “No. But we’ll find him.”

 “He’s close. I can feel it. I can feel…him.” CJ whispered, falling asleep. Catherine turned the lights out and left the room. Outside in the hall, Catherine leaned up against the wall, her hand over her heart. A single tear rolled down her face, dripping quietly onto the floor.

‘That poor girl. Her mother didn’t care about her. The only person who did was killed in Iraq. She has no other family left. I hope her daddy does want her…or if even knows about her that is. I don’t want to see her in a foster home. If that happens, hell…I’ll take her. Just as long as she’s loved. She’s too sweet and precious to never love.’

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

CHAPTER 5 - I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE 

December 15, 2009

I was startled when CJ suddenly woke up, throwing her body toward mine. I blinked a couple of times, resting my right hand on her silky blond hair, smiling down at her. She looked back at me with those big brown eyes of hers.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” I asked her getting up from my chair and sitting on her bed, pulling her into my arms. She crawled onto my lap and snuggled up against my chest.

“Yes, daddy. I’m okay. I just had a bad dream.” She said, frowning a little. I kissed her head tenderly. Aw, my baby had a bad dream. This is all too familiar. It’s time to test my fatherly skills in the dream area.

“You did? Do you want to tell me what it was about so daddy can chase the monsters away?” I smiled against her cheek. I felt her take a deep breath.

“To be honest with you daddy……I don’t remember it.” She said in a tiny voice. I ran my fingers through her blond hair and nodded silently.

“Okay.” I answered her, kissing her rosy cheek. Holding her close to me felt natural.

“Daddy?”

“Hmm?”

“When do I get to go home?” She asked. I smiled. That is right baby. Home is where you belong. Home with me.

“In a couple of days. The nice doctors want to keep you here for awhile longer, K?” She nodded silently. Holding her tightly against me, I stood up from the bed and placed her back in bed. Slipping my shoes off, I slipped underneath the covers with her. I pulled her back to me, wrapping my arms tightly around her.

“You know what I thought when I woke up?” She whispered.

“What was that?” I whispered back.

“That I’ll never be alone again. That I can wake up every day and know that you’ll be there, and I won’t be scared.” She told me. I closed my eyes, letting her sweet words seep into my ears.

“I’ll always be here. When ever you get scared for any reason, just say the word and I’ll be here.“ I whispered in her ear. She grabbed my right hand and placed it firmly over her heart. The sound of her beautiful heart beat drifted me off to sleep.

December 17, 2007

 “Aaron? Aaron, wake up.”

 “Wha - what the hell?” I gasped, sitting up suddenly. I squeezed my eyes shut and gently rubbed them with my hand. Taking in my surroundings, I realized I was in CJ’s room. I was sitting upon the bed, my back resting up against the wall. “I can’t believe I fell asleep in here last night. I’m not even done getting everything together yet.” I rushed out, still half asleep. My mom sat down beside me and placed her hand on my knee.

 “Baby, you worked so hard getting the room together last night. Why don’t you let Angel finish up for you while you go freshen up. It’s getting close to noon.” She softly told me.

“But, it has to be perfect.” I said, yawning and stretching my arms high above my head. Angel put down the music box she had in her hand and turned toward me, her hands resting on her hips.

“Excuse me, but what the hell is that suppose to mean?” Angel said, her eyes slamming into mine. I placed the monkey, that was resting on my lap, on the pillow beside me and calmly stood up.

“Angel, that’s not what I mean. I trust in you that it will be perfect.” I said half telling her the truth. Deep down I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure everything was perfect for my baby’s homecoming. I never once thought about my sisters, CJ’s own aunts, if they would want a part of it too. I felt bad, because I didn’t think about the rest of my family.

“Damn straight little boy.” Angel shot at me. I walked up to her and gently kissed her on the cheek, “Work your magic, Twina.” I told her, gently patting her on the back. I left the room to Angel and my mom and then headed down the hall toward my bedroom. Along the way, Taylin came skipping down the hallway and leaped into my arms. I hugged her tightly and kissed her tenderly on the head.

“I can’t wait for CJ to get here. We’re going to have so much fun. I’m going to teach her everything I know.” Taylin said, grinning from ear to ear.

I switched her over to my other hip and quietly studied her. “And what is that?” I asked jokingly, raising an eyebrow.

“Stop fooling!” She said punching me gently in the shoulder. At that moment, I saw her smile fade slightly and a look of discomfort spread across over her face.

“Are you okay baby? Are you hurting?” I said as calmly as I could. I hated seeing my baby sis in so much pain. If I ever find the bastard who hit my sis, I’m going kill him. It breaks my heart to know that someone can drive up into a yard and run over a little girl; an innocent little girl, playing in her own yard. The driver who hit her was drunk, but that doesn’t make it okay. What pissed me off the most is that the guy who hit her, still hasn’t been found. It’s hard for me to look at Taylin and not think about that night. She only has one arm because of it. She’ll never be able to live a full normal life. I felt like it was job to make sure she does.

Taylin looked up at me, her eyes weak and tired, but still had a little sparkle, “Bubba, you’re going to along just fine.” She told me, wrapping her right arm around my neck and resting her head on my shoulder.

“Just fine for what, sweat pea?” I asked her, tucking a loose strand of blond hair behind her ear.

“Being a daddy.” She whispered.

My heart smiled at those words, “Thank you baby. That makes me feel more confident coming from you. It makes me have more faith in myself and as a daddy because of you.” I whispered softly in her ear. Taylin replied by giving me a smile, “Anyway sissy, on a scale from one to ten how’s your pain?” I asked her.

 “Six.” She replied in a tiny voice. I nodded and put her down. I walked her to the kitchen and gave her her pain medication. After she was finished taking it, she gave me one last hug before heading into CJ’s room to help mom and Angel. I grabbed myself a glass of water before heading back to my bedroom. I had an hour and a half until I could go get my baby and bring her home.

*****

After taking a much needed shower, I stepped out onto the cold tile floor. I grabbed my white towel off the toilet seat and brought it up to my face. I dried my face off, then slowly put the towel down, as I stared at my reflection in the over head mirror just above the sink. I let the towel slip from my fingers and drop to the floor. I stood there, still as a post, water slowly dripping off my body. As I looked into the mirror, I saw a guy whom I didn’t think existed. His eyes were strange to me. I wasn’t familiar with the emotion that shot through me like a piece of glass. I felt peaceful. Something that I haven’t felt for so long. I could strain my brain and try my hardest to think about the last time I felt at peace, but I came up empty.

I also felt scared and ashamed. This is my time. My time to finally be responsible for another life other than my own, and even that wasn’t true at times. I lived everyday like it would be my last. For many years I have lived carelessly. I never thought about tomorrow, I lived my life as it is right now. I don’t bother thinking about my future anymore. I see no point in it. I keep making promises to the people who are the closest to me and I keep on breaking them. I never follow through with what I tell people, because I guess my actions clearly speak louder than words anyway. I can admit this to anyone, and they wouldn’t be surprised. There is a voice inside my head shouting at me, cursing me to stay focused and get my shit together, because there is no you anymore. There is someone else way more important.

I let my hands go. I didn’t realize I was holding on to the counter so tight, just staring at the numerous patters on the tile floor. I blinked away a few tears and looked back up. I took a deep breath and stood up straight. The guy I saw in the mirror was no one but a complete stranger. I know I’m a good person, anyone would say that. But the people who don’t fully understand me, judge me from what they know from the past. I know I have done some wrong in my life. I know I have taken, as I thought, the easier way out; which was destroying my life in the process. That person is not me. My heart ached at the memories of everything that I have done. I try to tell myself that nothing was my fault. Everything I thought was right, was always the wrong thing. I have been through some really bad shit and that was my way of covering it up. Every time I said that I was okay, that I am happy, only my family and my closest friends will have the balls to come up to me and say; don’t bullshit a bullshitter.

 But this is it. This is it to finally pull myself together and be one with the world and everything I am. It is time to kick my past in the ass and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have a miracle in my life now and she’s coming home in thirty minutes. I have someone to take care of now.

*****

Awhile later, I heard the soft click of a door opening and closing from the other room. I stood there, listening in silence, until I heard Gingers voice calmly call out my name.

 “Yeah?” I answered back my voice scratchy. I winced at the sound. That did not sound like me at all.

“I was wondering if you want to talk for a bit before you go get CJ.” She said. I stepped away from the counter and grabbed my towel off the floor.

“Okay. Just let me get dressed, I’m still naked.” I said, drying off the rest of my body.

 “You’ve been in there longer than you normally are. What were you doing?” She asked through the door. I ignored her and proceeded to dress. After I was finished, I casually walked out of my bathroom and into my bedroom. My mom sat there silently on the bed, her legs crossed and her hands resting comfortably on her knees. I walked straight passed her, not uttering a single word. I started to put clean clothes up that were left in the laundry basket over the weekend. I tried to slow my heart rate down by taking slow deep breaths. I was shaking so badly, I could hardly handle the hangers. In the corner of my eye, I saw my mom stand up and walk up to me. I swallowed and closed my eyes, feeling her warm hand resting on my lower back and her chin on top of my shoulder.

“Aaron, what is wrong?” She whispered, running her fingertips through my hair. I took a shaky breath. I opened my eyes slightly and when I did a few tears escaped my eyes.

“Mom…I’m scared.” I whispered, stealing a glance in her direction.

“It’s okay to be scared. You’re a first time parent, it’s understandable. As a matter of fact you should be scared, sweetie.”

 “No, it’s not about that. I don’t want to hurt her, mom….” My voice trailed off.

“What do you--”

“You know I’m going through some really bad stuff. I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop.” I whispered, my voice cracking.

“This is why you can change it. This is the best time as any to get your life back on track and get your butt headed in the right direction.”

“I know this. I feel it inside. I keep telling myself that I need to get better, I need to get better, but I’m scared that I’m just going to go out the back door.”

“I’m not following you.” She frowned.

 “That I’m not going to follow through like I normally don’t,” I continued, moving away from the closet and sitting down on the bed. “All I’m going to be doing is ruining my daughter’s life. I won’t be able to live with myself if I ever do that to her. Her mother and everyone else around her-whoever that was-have destroyed her since the day she was born. I’m the only one she’s got, mom. I don’t want her to ever hate me.” I slid down to the ground. I buried my face in my hands and wept.

“I want you to look at me.” My mom told me, gently pulling my hands away from my face. She cupped my face with her hands and pulled me closer to her, whipping the lingering tears off my cheeks, “I have no doubt that you’ll be okay, because you’re a smart person and you know your boundaries‘. But…you have a daughter now. You have someone who needs you. If anyone can pull through, no matter what stands in their way…it’s you. You’re the strongest person I know.”

I gave her a small smile and cupped her hands in mine. I pulled them from my face and held them in my lap, “You really have that much faith in me?”

“Do you really need to ask that?” She said, tilting her head to the side, “Aaron, I have more faith in you than anyone in this family.”

“It sure as hell seems like it.” I said taking a deep breath and getting up from the floor. I rubbed my hands on my jeans and then quickly dried my wet eyes with my shirt. I glanced at the alarm clock on the side table beside the bed. It‘s getting closer to noon, “Mom, will you go with me?” I asked her, feeling a little nervous.

“Go where?”

 “To get CJ.” I smiled when my moms eyes lit up and her hand went straight to her mouth.

 “Of course I will! Thank you, thank you.” She squealed in delight, throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. I chuckled, hugging her back, “Let me go get my shoes on.” She gave me a quick peck on the cheek and high tailed out of my room. I shook my head and headed back to the bathroom to look myself over one more time. I slowly turned the faucet on and gently splashed the water over my face. I quickly dried my face off, then headed toward the living room, where my mom was waiting by the door, her purse hanging on one arm.

“Girls, we’ll be back! We’re going to go pick up the newest member of our family!” My mom yelled to the girls who were down the hall in CJ’s bedroom. I heard a faint ‘okay’ and my mom and I got in the car and headed to the hospital to get my daughter.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW - CHAPTER 8: CJ'S HOMECOMING

Following Day

My nerves shot right through my body as we pulled into a vacant parking space at the Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. I don’t know why I felt so nervous. Maybe it's because I’m getting so close to entering fatherhood by each passing second that I’m psyching myself out.

It was five till noon. Five minutes until I’ll be able to sign CJ out. Five minutes until everything will change. I jerked when I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder. I turned in my seat and looked at my mom.

“Don’t be nervous. You can do this.” She reassured me.

I flashed her a quick smile and then took a deep breath. “How can you tell?” I asked her. I can’t be that obvious right?

She glanced down to the floor board and then back up at me, “I know that tissue didn’t tear itself up.” She chuckled. I quickly looked down and noticed little tiny pieces of tissue paper that I had apparently ripped up on the way over here, and now they were scattered all over the seat and on the floor. I pushed the pieces of tissue off the seat and watched them fall to the floor.

 “Sorry I’ll clean that up later.” I told her, still eyeing the pieces of tissue. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. I was so out of it on the way here, that I never noticed having a tissue in my hand to begin with.

“Yes you will.” She said soberly. I nodded, but stayed silent. I glanced at the clock and then quickly unbuckled my seatbelt.

“It’s noon. We need to go.” I mentioned, opening the door and climbing out.

“Yup.” My mom pulled the keys out of the ignition and stepped out of the car, “Lead the way. I’ve never been to this hospital before.”

I nodded, “Okay.” As we walked toward the hospital entrance, I reached over and grabbed my mother’s hand. She squeezed my hand so lightly, I barely felt it. The hospital was swarming with nurses, most trying to go on their lunch break, others trying to fill out last minute release forms and other paper work. We walked past a busy waiting room and headed toward the main desk.

I spotted Cat and other nurses talking amongst themselves. Rob was there as well. Cat moved slightly back and when she did I saw the angel I am proud to call my daughter standing in front of her holding on to her pant leg. I glanced over at my mom and noticed the tears springing to life. I smiled, feeling my tears start to form as well. Then, CJ finally looked over at me. “Daddy!” She let go of Cat and raced toward me. I dropped my mothers hand and scooped my baby up in my arms. I slowly walked her back to everyone else, as I held her tightly against my chest.

“Daddy, I’m ready to go home now.” She whispered in my ear. I pulled her back a little so I could look at her.

“We will baby. Here in a minute we’ll get going.” I told her. “Hey, you want to meet your Grandma?” CJ’s eyes lit up with excitement. She turned in my arms and came face to face with her Grandma Ginger, “This is my step mother Ginger.”

“Hi, Grandma.” CJ flashed a smile that could light up every star in the sky. My mom reached for her, pulling her out of my arms and held her on her hip.

 “Hi, baby. It’s so nice to meet you.” Ginger said, kissing her tenderly on the forehead.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Grandma.” CJ answered back, politely, “Daddy, when will I be able to meets my real Grandma too?” CJ asked me.

I smiled. “Soon, I promise. She lives in Florida so it might be awhile.”

 “What’s her name?”

 “Jane.” I whispered.

“You’ll like her.” My mom said, giving her a sweet kiss on her nose. CJ giggled and snuggled closer to her Grammy.

‘I hope so.’ I thought to myself, as I walked over to Cat. Cat welcomed me with a smile and then whipped out a clipboard with the release form attached to it. I quickly wrote down all the information that was required and handed the clipboard back to her.

 “Cat, if you didn’t have a boyfriend, I would kiss right now.” I smirked. Cat let out a sweet laugh and enveloped me into a hug, “Thank you for everything.” I whispered in her ear. “Thank you all for everything.” I said, turning toward all the other nurses that came into CJ’s life not too long ago. I hugged each one and thanked them again.

 “Here you go.” Cat handed me a small Scooby Doo back pack, “And you’re welcome. You’re a good man, Aaron. CJ is so lucky to have you.”

I smiled, feeling the tears coming once again, “I’m lucky to have her.”

 “You have my number right?” She asked me. I nodded, slipping the bag over my shoulder, “I’ll try to be around whenever you need me to watch CJ. And I also talked to my sister, Stacy, who’s a regular baby sitter and she said she’ll watch her whenever work keeps me here all night.”

I smiled, nodding once again. “That would be perfect.” I chuckled, glancing at the bag I held in my hand, “Is this everything?” I asked, thinking there was no way this could be everything of CJ’s. The bag felt empty.

 “That’s all that I own…daddy.” CJ said, from her spot in her Grandma’s arms. I looked at her, a smile spreading over my face.

 “Well not anymore.” I assured her.

 “Trust me, baby, your daddy, your aunties and myself went crazy trying to get your room together.” My mom said, taking the bag from me. CJ grinned from ear to ear. She definitely loved hearing that.

“How many aunties do I haves?” CJ asked.

“Well right now you have four at home.” Ginger answered.

 “Uncles?”

“You have two. Nick and Kanden.”

 “How old are they?”

 “Nick is twenty seven and Kanden is one.”

CJ frowned, “I have a uncle younger than me?” Ginger nodded, “That’s weird. And Uncle Nick is old.” CJ said, making everyone chuckle. I shook my head, holding back my laughter.

“Baby, just wait until he turns thirty. We’re going to have so much fun!” I joked, giving her a bunch of small kisses on her cheek. She giggled, swatting her hand at me, playfully. Rob walked over to us, and watched us play for a few seconds then called me over to the side.

“Sometimes I wish Kelly was like that when she was three.” Rob told me.

 “How was she?”

 “Two words; terrible twos.”

“Oh great, something to look forward to.” I said sarcastically, letting out a heavy sigh. Rob placed his hand on my shoulder and then glanced over at CJ.

“Aaron, I don’t see CJ being too much trouble for you. I mean look at her--” I took a deep breath and looked over at my daughter. She was playing with my moms hair and glowing like the angel she is, “She may be three, but she certainly doesn’t look like it. She doesn’t talk like a normal three year old. She’s very beyond her years. You look at her only once and you can tell she’s the smartest little girl on the whole damn planet. She’s--She’s even bigger than the average three year old toddler. She could easily pass off to be…maybe six or seven.” Rob continued. As I was listening to his voice, I was listening to the truth as well. I literally could feel my heart smile.

 “Anyway, the reason why I pulled you over here is that I need to tell you something. Nothing to be worried about, but you’re going to be in a mess with Social Services as they try to process legal issues and other procedures pertaining to CJ. It may take some time.”

I blinked, feeling like he just spoke another language to me, “Huh? How much time are we talking about here?”

 “Well, it depends on her case.” Rob said. I gapped, putting my hand up so I could protest, but he kept talking, “The earliest would be in about six months or it could take a couple of years.”

 “What case?” I frowned. I had a feeling the information Rob was getting ready to tell me, was something I never wanted to hear. “Are you kidding me? Aaron, we pulled CJ out of the biggest drug bust I’ve seen in my whole career as a police officer and it involved a three year old child, possibly from the time she was born. God knows what she was exposed to. Social Services are busting their balls trying to figure out everything that went on and so are we.”

 “What the fuck are you going find, huh? Her mother is dead. You can’t just go up to her and ask her questions.” I hissed, trying to keep my voice low, so CJ wouldn’t hear me.

 “Those bastards at Social Services know something went down. And it’ll be a bigger mess for you, because CJ is now in your cust---” Rob trailed off and then crossed his arms tightly across his chest, “What is it?”

It hurt when I swallowed, “Are they going to take her away from me?”

Rob looked directly into my eyes. It scared me. “As long as you don’t give them a reason to.” He said calmly. I sighed and lowered my eyes to the ground, feeling once again like the failure I’ve always been. I knew exactly where Rob was going with this, “I know how you can be, Aaron.”

 “And you proved it, by saving my ass on many occasions.” I said, giving him a fake smile. Immediately as it came, it was gone.

Rob sighed. “I’m not judging. I just know what you’ve been through. I’ve been by your side every step of the way. I’ve seen how hard everything is on you. Just be careful not to screw anything up, until this shit blows over, and until those little snitches are out of your hair.”

I closed my eyes, wondering why this is always happening to me. I reopened my eyes when I felt Rob’s hand on my shoulder, “Aaron, take CJ home. All she wants is her daddy. So give her, her daddy.”

I blinked a few tears from my eyes, “What do I need to do?” I whispered.

 “There’s nothing you can do right now. I don’t know when, but soon enough you’ll get a call from either me or Social Services with any news and then you’ll know what to do next.” I slowly nodded and kept quiet. I wiped my tears away and cleared my throat.

“Mom, let’s go home.” I told her. She nodded and handed CJ back to me. She snuggled her head up into the crease of my neck and closed her eyes. We said our goodbyes and headed back home.

Meanwhile at the house

 “CJ’s room is all set.” Angel said as she walked into the kitchen, where BJ was busy making a home made frosting. BJ’s apron was covered in flour and her hair was a wild mess. Angel stood at the sink, glancing over at BJ as she washed her hands. “You look like shit.” Angel joked drying her hands off.

“Thanks.” BJ grunted. Angel put the towel down and rested her hands on her hips, eying BJ down.

“What are you doing?” Angel asked, after a couple of seconds of staring at her.

 “Get the cake out of the oven and see if it’s done, would you?” BJ ordered, ignoring her question. Angel rolled her eyes in annoyance and grabbed some oven mitts. She pulled the cake out and placed it on top of the stove.

“So what’s the cake for?” Angel asked, leaning over it and taking in it’s sweet smell.

“It’s for CJ. It’s going to say, ‘Welcome home CJ’ on it after it’s all done.” BJ said, sighing heavily.

 “I was wondering what smelled so good when I was walking down the hall.” Angel murmured. She stuck a toothpick in its center and pulled it back out, “It’s done.” She said throwing the toothpick in the trash can beside her.

“Great, so is this frosting.” BJ said, whipping off her apron and throwing it to the side. She blew her bangs out of her face and took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. After a few seconds of resting, BJ quickly started to clean up her mess. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

 “Because, CJ could be home any minute and I want it to be all prettied up before she gets here.” BJ said trying to clean up her mess as quickly as she could, while glancing at the clock from time to time.

 “That’ll take awhile, BJ. The cake has to cool first.” Angel mentioned.

 “I know that! Just put the damn thing in the freezer.” BJ snapped. Angel shrugged her shoulders. She grabbed the cake and placed it on the second rack in the freezer. Angel let the freezer door shut by itself and followed BJ out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. BJ positioned herself into front of the mirror and tried her best to straighten out her hair and makeup. Angel smirked, crossing her arms in front of her chest. BJ glanced at her and stopped fidgeting with her hair for a split second.

“What?”

“BJ, you look fine.” Angel chuckled.

 “I want to make a good impression for my niece, Angel, so shut the hell up would you?”

 “BJ, she’s three. I don’t think she would care, besides I think she’ll find it funny when she sees her Aunty BJ has flour caked in her hair.” Angel said her lips pressed together in a tight smile. BJ gasped, quickly turning back to the mirror and shaking the flour out of her hair. The sound of the front door opening and closing, drew both girls’ attention toward the hallway, trying to catch a glimpse of who just came in. Leslie crossed into view, humming silently to herself and walking into the kitchen. BJ sighed in relief and turned her attention back to the mirror.

“Ohhh….cake.” Leslie’s voice rang from the kitchen. BJ pulled the brush she was using away from her hair and slammed down on the counter, making Angel jump back.

“Leslie, don’t you dare touch that cake!” BJ yelled.

The sound of the freezer door closing came and Leslie’s voice quickly followed, “Well that ain’t no fun!”

“At least not yet!” BJ yelled again, picking her brush back up.

 Angel turned and walked back into the kitchen, were Leslie was silently sitting on top of the counter, “I think BJ has officially gone insane.” Angel said standing up against the counter beside her sister. Leslie smirked and continued to pick at her nails. A few seconds later, BJ emerged from the bathroom looking somewhat better.

“I am not.” BJ growled, “Angel, get the cake out of the freezer.” BJ ordered her.

“It hasn’t had time to coo---”

“Angel--! Do it now…” BJ gritted through her teeth.

Angel stole a glance at Leslie, “See…coo-coo.” Angel said, mimicking the crazy sign in BJ’s direction. Angel squealed when BJ turned around and whipped her in the butt with the towel she was using. Angel glared at her, flopping the cake down in front of her.

 “So what’s the cake for?” Leslie asked.

“Missy CJ. It’s her welcome home cake.” Angel answered, “Actually it will be if BJ doesn’t screw it up first.” Angel continued, giving BJ a sly remark.” All Angel got back was the bird in her face. Angel and Leslie faced BJ and watch her apply the frosting on the cake--er--disaster to the cake. BJ slowly lifted the spatula up and gently slid the frosting inch by inch over the cake. BJ suddenly stopped when a piece of the cake started to ride up.

 “Oh no, no, no, no, don’t do that….” BJ whined as she kept spreading the frosting on.

 “And she calls herself a chef.” Leslie snickered.

 “Fuck you both.” BJ hissed, shooting a-go-to-hell-look at both of them, then she continued spreading on the frosting. As she went, the cake kept tearing up, “Shiiiiit…..” BJ kept ranting in frustration.

“So how’s Mike doing?” Angel asked Leslie, trying to drown out BJ's whining. “He’s wonderful. I love being married.” Leslie said, grinning from ear to ear. Angel and Leslie tried to keep a conversation going but they kept getting distracted by BJ’s tantrum. BJ threw the spatula across the counter. It hit the wall, splattering frosting all over the bottom of it. BJ put her hands on the edge of the counter and lowered her head.

 “BJ, it’s not that bad.” Leslie assured her, pulling herself off the counter. She grabbed the spatula and tried smoothing out the frosting. BJ sighed heavily and snatched the spoon out of Leslie’s hand.

“It’s fucked up, Leslie. Just leave it alone.”

 “BJ, stop being such a bitch about it, it’s fine. CJ is not going to care!” Leslie huffed, rinsing off the spatula and placing it into the dishwasher. Angel grabbed the cake and set it on the bar, away from BJ.

 “Guys?” A small voice came from behind them. Angel and Leslie turned and saw Taylin standing in the door way.

 “Hi, sweetheart what’s wrong?” Leslie asked her, as she walked up to her. Leslie placed her hand on Taylin's shoulder.

“They’re here.” Taylin said.

“They are??” BJ and Angel said in unison. Taylin nodded in silence, clutching her stuffed gorilla in her hand. BJ could feel herself start to shake and her lack of patience start to take over. She quickly snatched the cake off the bar.

“We have got to do something with this damn thing!” BJ stammered out, trying to figure out a way to clean up the cake to make it look a little ‘decent’.

 “It’s fine, BJ! Leave it alone!” Angel said pushing BJ away from the cake.

“It looks like shit, Angel!” BJ snapped at her.

“That’s enough you guys.” Leslie groaned in annoyance. Her attempt to make them stop ranting back and forth failed just like she knew it was going to. Leslie rolled her eyes and motioned Taylin out of the kitchen and into the hallway. The dogs, Tiki and Jada, could be heard barking from afar as the front door opened.

Meanwhile…

 Closing his eyes, Nick laid his head back against the seat as he let out a long sigh. He rubbed his eyes, tiredly. “Are we done yet?” Nick asked, glancing at his watch. Brian sat down beside him, throwing his arm around Nick’s shoulders.

“We haven’t been here for very long. What’s up, man?” Brian asked him.

“Dude, it’s past one.” Nick rushed out, pulling himself forward and facing Brian.

“What’s your fucking point, Nicky?” AJ asked from the other end of the room.

 Nick gapped. “My fucking point is Alex, is that my niece will be home any minute now and I want to fucking leave and go see her.”

 “CJ comes home today? Oh my gosh I totally forgot, Nick.” Brian said.

Nick groaned and dropped his head in his hands. “I told Aaron I would be there when he came home with her and they’re probably home by now.”

 “Nick, just go home. I’m sure it’ll be okay.” Howie said, “Although, Andrew might give you crap about it.” Howie continued.

 Nick narrowed his eyes at him. “Thanks Howie!” Nick said rolling his eyes.

“Nick, Howie’s right. We can pick up with your vocals tomorrow. You need to go home and see that beautiful niece of yours and spend some time. We’ll probably be over at the house after we’re finished recording.” Brian said patting Nick lightly on the back. Nick nodded and stood up. He raised his arms over his head and stretched.

 “That’s right, Nicky.” AJ said sitting down on the other side of Nick, “Let me tell ya, I can’t wait to meet this little one! I’m gonna teach her everything I know.” AJ said grinning.

 “Oh God no!” Everyone groaned, “Whatever you guys do, do not let this man two feet from my niece.” Nick told Brian and Howie. Brian chuckled and squeezed Nicks shoulder.

“I’m serious!”

 “What the hell, Nicky? CJ is going to love me. And we already have something in common.”

Howie raised an eyebrow. “And what is that?”

AJ leaned forward, a goofy grin plastered across his face, “Our first names are our initials. AJ and CJ, can‘t miss.”

“This is so not my problem.” Nick murmured under his breath. He then left the room to go talk to Andrew.

 “Seriously, AJ, you need to watch what you say or ‘teach’ CJ.” Brian told him.

“Shit Brian! I’m not going to teach her anything ‘bad’. What kind of person do you think I am?” AJ asked. His eyes widened and he stared them down hard when they remained silent, “Who do you think I am?” AJ repeated.

“You’re a good person, AJ. Just keep it clean when you’re around the toddler.” Howie added.

 “And I will.” AJ assured them, “I’m gonna teach her how to be cool, like her cool uncle AJ.” AJ said, feeling pretty good about himself.

“Cool as what? You gonna lend her your cowboy hat and shades?” Brian asked chuckling.

“She would so totally look awesome in that!”

Nick walked into the control room feeling nervous. Andrew didn’t even notice him walk in, as he continued working with the sound mixer.

 “Andrew?” Andrew jumped back, startled. He turned in his chair and saw Nick standing behind him. He blinked a few times and sighed, “Don’t do that, man.” Andrew groaned.

Nick chuckled. “Sorry.” He said, sitting down in the chair next to Andrew.

“I’m glad you’re in here, Nick. We need to get your vocals done and---” Andrew trailed off when he saw Nick raise his hand to stop him, “What is it?”

 “Can we finish tomorrow?” Nick asked, his eyes lowered to the ground. Andrew leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. He stared at Nick for a few seconds before speaking.

“What’s so important that we can’t finish today?”

 “My niece.” Nick said nodding, “She’s coming home from the hospital today.”

“Oh well, I guess that’ll be okay. Take a couple of hours off to see the new baby and I’ll see you at…” Andrew said looking at his watch, “…four. How’s that sound?”

Nick shook his head, “Not good. And by the way, the new baby is three years old, so can I just take the rest of the day off to see her? It won’t take much to do my part, man.”

 “You do know that I’m on a schedule too?” Andrew said flatly.

Nick sighed and leaned back in his chair. “I’m aware of that. Andrew, you have got to understand, that this little girl is almost four years old. I’ve missed three years of her life. My brother has missed three years of her life and so has everyone else. At least you can do is spare me the rest of the day.” Nick told him.

Andrew looked at him and blinked once. “You have the rest of your life.” He said coldly. Nick gasped lightly at Andrew’s cold words. Nick knew it was going to be hard to reason with Andrew, especially since he was on a tight schedule too. “Anyway I won’t be available tomorrow. Only on Friday for a couple of hours then I have to get my butt to New York.” Andrew continued.

“What time on Friday?” Nick asked.

 “Eight AM.” Andrew said without looking at him. “Eight Friday? That will be perfect!” Nick said with a smile.

Andrew jumped back in his seat and stood up, “Nick!”

When Nick reached the door, he turned back around, “I’m going to go see my niece. See you on Friday, dog!” Nick then turned on his heal and walked out of the room.

 “But---” Andrew stuttered. He rolled his eyes and sat back down.

Meanwhile back inside the lounge, just outside the control room, Brian, AJ, and Howie sat in silence trying to enjoy their lunch. AJ glanced over at Howie who was playing with his sandwich. AJ raised an eyebrow and tapped Brian on the shoulder, motioning his attention toward Howie. Brian put his plate down beside him and looked at Howie with a concerned look.

 “Howie, penny for your thoughts?” Brian said calmly.

Howie shot his head up feeling a little bit startled. He smiled and pushed his plate aside. “I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that Aaron is father now. It’s just weird.” Howie said.

“Yes!” AJ exclaimed, jumping up from the couch and shooting his arms in the air, “I’m not the only one who thought so!”

“It’s called growing up!” Brian said, slapping AJ in the arm, “He’s not the little boy we’ve always known anymore.”

“Yeah, but he’s still yet to really grow up.” Howie said.

 “I agree with you Howie. I think it’s weird that he’s a father too. It’s just Aaron’s like a little boy lost in this world. I’m just afraid all this is going to be a bit much for him. I don’t want to see him unravel.” Brian said.

 “Are you saying you don’t have faith in him?” Nick said from the door way, making the rest of the guys jump a little.

“Whoa!” Brian said holding out his arms and standing up, “Now I am not saying that.” Brian walked over to Nick and pushed him further away from the others, “Look, I love that boy. I really do. He needs to turn his life around now, man. I mean--I just have a feeling that all of this is too overwhelming for him. I don’t want to see him crack under pressure or keep doing what he’s doing. He needs to stop and get help.”

 “I know.” Nick gritted through his teeth, “Brian, I know Aaron has a lot of growing up to do and a lot of sense smacked into him, but I have faith in him. A lot of people may not believe this, but Aaron really is a good person. He could have found out he had a kid, and turn the other cheek and say fuck it, I don’t have time for this kid. But he didn’t, because he’s not some asshole like some people are. He’s taking on this huge ass responsibility and doing all that he can to make sure CJ is well taking care of, despite that he’s a single parent and will eventually be doing this on his own. Right now he has us to help him out a little bit.” Nick swallowed hard and took a deep breath, “Brian, I know Aaron has…problems right now. But he has already proved to us and everybody else that he has the biggest heart than anyone I know. I would have put my foot all the way up his scrawny little asshole, if he denied her or if he knew that she was his and turned his back on her.”

“Your right.” Brian said, “All we need to do is be there for him.”

Nick nodded. “And he does need us. He may not say it, but his eyes tell a thousand words. He‘s scared, overwhelmed, but he can do this.”

Brian nodded and patted Nick lightly on the shoulder. “Is Andrew letting you go?”

“Peesh, no. But I’m going anyway. I have to be back here Friday at eight.” Nick told him, giving Brian a hug. Nick said his goodbyes to his other band mates and left.

 ****

 As my mom, CJ, and I walked through the front door, we were greeted by two slobbery doggies, Tiki, Angel’s little menace and my baby Jada.

 “Get down!” I sternly told the dogs. Jada sniffed at CJ, curiously.

 CJ whimpered and hid behind my legs. “Daddy, they don’t bite do they?” CJ asked in a tiny voice.

 “Oh no baby they don’t bite.” I assured her, “They’re just very playful.” I bent down and snapped my fingers at Jada and told her to sit down and stay. She obeyed, but kept her tail wagging with excitement. After getting the dogs calmed down, I was greeted with an embrace from Leslie. After we pulled apart, I kept a firm hold around Leslie’s waist as she smiled down at CJ. I pulled CJ closer and lifted her up into my arms. CJ smiled shyly back at Leslie.

“Baby, meet your Aunt Leslie.” I saw Leslie’s eyes filled up with sweet tears.

 “Aw, can I hold her?” Leslie swooned. I laughed, as CJ immediately jumped into Leslie’s arms. Leslie hugged her tightly, a few tears escaping her eyes. I looked over and saw Taylin, clinging to moms pant leg, a beaming smile on her face. I smiled back, then I felt my heart skip a beat. I realized there was something I forgot to tell CJ, just incase. I gently pulled CJ out of Leslie’s arms and held her close to me.

 “Baby, I want you to meet Aunty Taylin now, but don’t stare okay?” I told her quietly.

 CJ leaned in closer. “Why would I stare?” She asked.

I smiled and kissed her lightly on the nose. “You’ll see.” I put her down and turned her toward mom and Taylin. I saw that Taylin’s eyes lit up immediately. She stepped toward CJ. CJ took the remaining step toward Taylin and then threw her arms around her waist. Taylin laughed and hugged her ever so tightly.

 “It’s nice to meet you CJ.” Taylin whispered, kissing her head softly. I felt my heart smile as I watched the scene that unfolded before me. CJ pulled away and looked up at Taylin.

 “What happened?” CJ asked, glancing at Taylin missing left arm. She pried her eyes away from it and looked back at Taylin face. Taylin looked at it and shrugged.

 “I was in an accident.” She told her. I bit my lip nervously as my mom pulled me to the side.

 “We forgot to tell CJ about Taylin.” My mom whispered to me.

 “I already did. Well, I didn’t exactly tell her what happened, but I told her not to stare. I don’t think her asking questions is going to hurt anything.” I whispered back to her. She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder.

 “Did it hurt?” CJ said, continuing asking questions.

“At the time it didn’t. It hurts from time to time now though.” CJ nodded and then her eyes lit up.

 “Is that a monkey you’re holding?” Taylin smiled and held the monkey out to CJ.

“Yeah, his name is Boo.”

I snorted and bent down behind CJ. “That’s actually my boo. Taylin, you little monkey thief.” I joked, giving her a playful glare.

 “I love your monkeys.” Taylin grinned.

“So do I.” CJ said hugged Boo tightly.

“The only reason why you named that monkey Boo, Aaron, was because it has boobies.” Leslie joked.

“I did not!” I shot at her. I smiled, because I knew Leslie was just joking with me. I kissed the top of CJ’s head and stood up straight. I rested my hands lightly on CJ’s shoulders. CJ gave Boo back to Taylin and then looked up at me.

“Okay, I met two of my Aunties, where’s the other ones?” CJ asked. I frowned.

“Good question.” I said. Although in the back of my mind I figured they were somewhere in the house, because I kept on hearing loud talking or…yelling.

Leslie clapped her hands together and started to laugh. “I can answer that. BJ and Angel are in the kitchen. They have been all day and um…I’m pretty sure BJ is about to have a panic attack.”

“What? Why?” I asked, my eyes wide. I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest, giving Leslie the go ahead so she can continue explaining.

“You know how BJ is a good cook. She always makes her meals or desserts come out perfectly. She attempted to make a welcome home cake for CJ and it didn’t come out the way she wanted it to.”

“What’s wrong with it?” I asked calmly.

“She burn it?” Taylin added.

 “No she didn’t burn it. She didn’t let the cake cool down before she put the frosting on and the cake is all torn up now. So…” Leslie said nodding, pressing her lips together in a fine line, “And now Angel is in there trying to get her to leave it alone, that it’s fine. But BJ’s obsessing over it and trying to fix it right now.”

“Did she rush it?” I asked.

 Leslie nodded. “Pretty much. She was trying to get it done, because she didn’t know when you guys would be home.”

 “Uh…” CJ started but stopped. We all looked down at her.

“What is it, baby?” I asked placing my hand on the small of her back.

“Where’s the kitchen?” She asked. I blinked and looked at Leslie.

“It’s this way.” Leslie said pointing behind her. CJ walked passed Leslie and headed toward the kitchen.

“Should we warn her first?” Leslie said grabbing my arm. I shook my head.

“No. I have a feeling she has something up her sleeve. That girl has been blowing my mind since I met her.” I told her. Leslie smiled and chuckled a bit. We suddenly stopped in our tracks when we saw CJ standing in the doorway of the kitchen in complete silence. Inside the kitchen, BJ was in tears and Angel was trying her best to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. Angel snapped her head to the side when she saw CJ in the doorway. She stepped away from BJ, her hand covering her mouth in awe. Tears welled up in her eyes.

 “Oh CJ.” Angel cried, stepping over to her and wrapping her arms around the little girl. BJ snapped her head up when Angel heard her say CJ’s name. She saw Angel hugging someone and when she moved away from her, BJ felt like crying all over again. CJ stood there looking at her with the softest look on her face and the sweetest smile. BJ let her head fall against the lower cabinet, not bothering to move from her spot on the floor. CJ walked up to her and sat down on her knees. She reached forward and gently wiped a tear from BJ’s face.

 “It’s okay Aunt BJ.” She whispered.

 BJ sniffed and slowly shook her head, “I just wanted everything to be perfect for you.”

“It is. You’re here and that’ s all I ever wanted. A family…” CJ told her. She climbed into BJ’s lap and wrapped her arms around her waist.

“Well, we can’t let a perfectly good cake go to waste.” I said, bending down and holding a slice of cake for CJ, “I hope you like Red Velvet. That’s my favorite.” CJ's eyes glistened up at me. She grabbed the plate from me and climbed off BJ’s lap.

BJ lifted her hands up for me to help her up. I grabbed her and lifted her up right into my arms. “Thank you so much.” I whispered in her ear.

 “To tell you the truth, I was just trying to make things easier for you too. This is the first day of the rest of your life, buddy.”

 “Beejee, I wanna let you know that I appreciate you, even when you piss me off or vice versa.” I joked. BJ laughed and snuggled up closer to me. I looked down and smiled at my baby, who was enjoying her piece of cake. “So do you like it?” I asked her. CJ looked up at me, chewing with ease. She nodded excitedly and continued chowing down her cake.

 ‘’See it’s not that bad of a disaster.” I joked, throwing my arms around BJ’s shoulders. BJ scowled and swatted at me. I moved away before she could touch me. Everyone else grabbed a piece of cake for themselves as well and continued to mingle among each other. I stood by the counter and smiled down at my baby. Leslie handed me a piece of cake and I silently thanked her.

My heart fluttered with every single smile my baby gave me. Every move she made was so perfect to me. Looking at her made me realize that my life suddenly made sense.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW - CHAPTER NINE

“I believe I can flyyyyyy! I believe I can touch the skyyyy!” Nick sang happily as he skipped up the sidewalk and glided through the front door.
“I think about it every night and day--yo, where’s my niece?” He called out, closing the door behind him. I looked down at my Christi and gave her a warm smile and kiss, before motioning her out into the hallway. She stopped short of the hallway entrance and turned back toward me with a questioning look.

“It’s Uncle Nick.” I whispered, urging her to on. CJ smirked the kind of smirk only a Carter could portray. As she bounced out into the hallway, the rest of us slowly got up and followed.

When Nick saw CJ step in front of him, his heart melted. His jacket slipped from his grasp and made it’s home on the floor. Nick couldn’t find his words as he stared at the most prettiest little girl he had ever seen.

“Oh my sweet Jesus.” Nick finally muttered out, as he fell to his knees. Nick couldn’t seem to build enough strength to walk himself over to her. He opened his arms and CJ ran into them in an instant.

“Hi, Uncle Nicky.” CJ whispered against his chest. Nick grunted, but smiled, tasting his tears as they dripped onto his lips. CJ pulled away slightly and lifted her head, “Do you not want me to call you that?” She asked.

Nick chuckled and tucked a piece of blond hair behind her ear, “No, you’re the only one that can call me that.” CJ smiled and reached up to kiss a tear away on her Uncle Nick’s cheek. Wrapping his arms around her waist, Nick hoisted CJ up on his hip and stood up. He walked over to me and placed his hand on the back of my head, as he looked me in the eye. I wanted him so say something, but I was welcomed with silence. Nick just stared at me. Then I realized that he didn’t need to say anything. His eyes screamed at me, telling me not to screw this up. I nodded, letting him know that I understood what he wasn’t telling me. Nick flashed me a warming smiled and ruffled my hair, playfully.

I sighed and pulled CJ out of Nick’s arms. “Let me tell you something Nick, this is the one thing I’m not going to screw up on.”

Nick shrugged. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I know what you’re thinking.”

“Alright then, “ Nick said, snatching CJ back and placing her back on his hip. “All you have to do now little brother is to prove it.” Nick said in a hush whisper, careful not to confuse CJ in anyway. I flinched like he suddenly slapped me. I lowered my eyes, feeling like the failure that everyone knew I was. I knew my own brother wouldn’t have faith in me. How stupid could I be to think he did anyway? Screw this, I’m not going to prove shit to anyone. I know I’m going to be a good father…no matter what.

After awhile I was standing in the hallway alone, feeling numb and completely helpless. When Nick tries to make a point, he hits a nerve every time and always makes me feel like shit. I know Nick means well, but he has a weird way of showing the love.

“Aaron, come see CJ’s room!” Angel called out to me. I pulled myself together and wondered into her room, where everyone else was sitting around, taking in the beautiful ray of colors that made up my baby’s room. I smiled to myself, feeling pretty good about my work, oh, and my sisters work too. I flopped down on the bed and grabbed a stuffed monkey off the pillow and hugged it tightly. CJ came bouncing over and jumped into my lap, pulling the monkey away from me so she can hug it too.

“Daddy, I loves my room! I love the red walls and rainbows lining the tops of it. And I love the monkeys too.” She squealed in delight, holding the monkey even tighter. I laughed and kissed the top of her head.

“I am so glad you love it baby.” I gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek and then rested my head on her shoulder, breathing in her sweet scent.

“Hey CJ, look at this.” BJ said, bending down in front of her and holding a small box in her hand. BJ opened the lid to the box and slipped out another box. This time it was made of brass and it was round. CJ took the box from BJ and held it with both hands.

“It sure is heavy.” CJ said quietly, eyeing the beautiful engraving on the top.

BJ nodded and sat Indian style in front of her, “Open it up.”

CJ ran her fingers over the top of the box and slowly lifted the sides, pulling the lid up straight. Her eyes lit up and the sound of gasps were heard from the others. Inside the box a small Angel lifted up from inside, giving off a brilliant sparkle of white and gold, with the instrumental sound of shout to the Lord playing in the background.

I was mesmerized by the beautiful sight that played before my eyes. I swallowed, my throat aching. “BJ, where did you get that?” I asked.

“I saw it in the window at this Christian bookstore as I was coming back from the hospital the other day. Once I saw it, it reminded me so much of CJ.” I squeezed BJ’s shoulder graciously and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“BJ, that is absolutely beautiful.” Ginger said sitting down next to me and taking in the music box’s powerful essence.

BJ slowly took the box out of CJ’s hand and placed it on the bedside table, “Whenever you can’t sleep or you feel alone, open this beauty up and may all your worries go away.” CJ looked up with watery eyes and slipped the music box back into her lap. As soon as the tears surfaced, the sobs came soon after. I frowned and pulled her legs up to where I was cradling her in my arms.

“Baby, what’s the matter?” I whispered, covering her face with kisses. She buried her face into my neck while her hand held on tightly to her Auntie BJ’s.

“Nothing. It’s just---it’s…” She trailed off and continued to cry.

“This might all be too overwhelming for her.” Nick mentioned, “I mean she’s never had any of this before. No presents, no love, nothing.”

“I never thought I would haves anything.” CJ mumbled against my shirt. I shook my head and started to cry along with her.

“A three year old shouldn’t be saying that.” Leslie whispered to Nick. Leslie sniffled, leaning into Nicks chest as he put his arm around her.

“I know.” Nick whispered.

“I’m going to give you the whole world.” I whispered softly in her ear. CJ yawned quietly, as she wrapped her arms around my neck and snuggled closer to me. I felt her nod her head against my shoulder. I looked up and motioned everyone out of the room. They left without a word.

“Tired?” I asked her. She nodded again and I could see that she was getting close to falling asleep in my arms. I pulled the covers back and gently slid her underneath the covers. I placed a tender kiss on her forehead and then opened the lid to her new music box so the music could sooth her. As I was getting up to leave, I was pulled back down from the tug of her hand.

“Yes, baby?”

“Will you take a nap with me?” She asked, her eyes closed and her breathing calm. Before I could answer her, I heard my phone start to ring from the other room.

“Of course I will. But I’ll be right back, I have to go answer my phone.” I kissed her one more time and then raced out of the room. I skidded into the living room, where Nick and Ginger stood talking. From what I could hear, Nick was complaining about the weather. I wouldn’t blame him. It’s been very cold today. Even a little mouse could tell that wasn’t normal for California, even in the winter.
I picked up my phone and glanced at the caller ID. I groaned loudly and flipped it open.

“What wrong?” Nick asked, when he heard me groan.

I put up a finger to hush him. “Hello?” I said into the phone. Nick rolled his eyes and turned back to Ginger.

“Aaron?” A female voice came from the other end.

“Yes, Kim what do you need?” I said, feeling a little annoyed. When Kim Clarkson calls it only means one thing. I have to work. And to sum up about who Kim Clarkson is, well, she’s my boss. And no not my nursing home boss, my boss at the restaurant I work at. Oh, I didn’t mention I have two side jobs? My bad.
I work at the KOI Restaurant across the street from the Roosevelt Hotel in Beverly Hills. I don’t work very often, only about two or three days out of the week, but when I do the deli and the bar part is my territory. I don’t work the floor and I’m glad I don’t. Crazy doesn’t really sum that place up although I don’t know why, crazy says it all.

“You sound cheery.” Kim joked. I chuckled a little, switching my cell to my other ear, “Are you busy Monday?” She continued.

“Besides spending time with my daughter, no not really.” I answered.

“Daughter? When did that happen?”

“Almost four years ago. I’ll talk to you later about it. So who’s not showing up?”

“Daisy, her father’s in the hospital, he had some kind of accident today.”

“Phil? Is he okay?”

“She hasn’t said anything about it. Anyway, Barry called in sick, Trish is on vacation, and Troy is in Florida visiting his girlfriend for the weekend and he won‘t be back until Tuesday.” Kim said, groaning, “Can’t you tell I’m a little bit annoyed right now?” Kim asked chuckling a bit.

I smiled, “So I’m the only one left?”

“Yup. Aaron, please I really need you tomorrow, and it’ll be call-in.”

I sighed heavily. “Okay. I’ll come in.” I told her.

“Thank you so much.”

“Kim, you know I’ll work anyway. You never have to beg too much.”

“That’s why you are my favorite employee.” Kim laughed.

“Don’t let anyone else hear you say that. Do you know how fast I’ll be put in the meat grinder?” I said, slowly pulling the phone away from my ear and focusing more on the TV.

I heard Kim chuckle again. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Aaron.”

“Yeah…” I mumbled, “See ya.” I flipped my phone shut. I grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned the volume up.

“Ginger, I’m not kidding you, the temperature gage in my truck said it’s 40 freaking degrees outside. This is California, that is crazy. I know it’s the wintertime but it doesn’t get that damn cold.” Nick said. I reached behind me and grabbed him by the shirt, “Aaron, what the hell?”

“Nick…” I pointed to the meteorologist Danny Stone, who was doing the weather, and what he was saying was too crazy to believe.

“This is a very rare event, actually it’s not rare at all, because something like this never happens. A major storm system coming from Alaska, is pushing South and will collide with another major storm system pushing West from the Colorado Rockies and will form one major winter storm. Now seeing a white Christmas isn’t surprising to the Northern and Eastern parts of California, but weather models are predicting that this storm will be pushing more into central and western California, including you folks in the Los Angeles area. But that’s not all, shockingly an ice storm will come into play first hand, then followed by a major blizzard….”

“Bull to the…shit.” Nick moaned, rolling his eyes and leaving the room. I felt my mom put her hand on my shoulder.

“Mom, do you believe this?”

She slowly shook her head, “Honey, weather models don’t lie.”

“But LA never gets snow or…ice.”

“Anything’s possible. I think you need to believe that.”

“Oh I do. I believe this and other shit can happen in about, oh I don’t know, a hundred years or more.” I groaned, “When is it supposed to be here?”

“This is a slow moving storm and it should push through central California in the next couple of days. From what I’m seeing right here, this storm might be with us all week.”


I blinked and formed a tight smile, “Oh, lets say how about Monday!” I paused, “Oh damn, I hope I can get to work alright.” I put my phone in my pocket and headed toward the hallway.

“I don’t know why your going to work Monday anyway. Couldn’t you tell Kim no? I mean CJ just got here, honey.”

I stopped at the doorway and turned back around to face her, “Incase you haven’t noticed, I’m lacking a career right now and not to mention money. Besides, It’s my responsibility to take care of her. I’m her father, it’s my job. I have to make sacrifices.” I said with a warm smile. My mom nodded and returned a smile.
“Oh, turn Danny off, he has bullshit written across his forehead.” I said with a smirk. I walked back to CJ’s room and crawled in beside her, blocking out the thoughts that tried to invade my brain. There was just no way this will happen. There was no way this could happen. Right??

December 19, 2007

When I found out that the world has officially gone to hell was when my butt met the pavement. This is Los Angeles where the temperature rarely goes above eighty five degrees. I guess mother nature decided to switch her furry of ice storms and blizzards a little bit more westward and bombard us laid-back Californians. I guess I can’t feel too bad, since I doubt I’m not the only sucker lying on his back, by slipping on a patch of ice and busting his ass.

I guess a part of me didn’t take the weatherman seriously when he said that a huge storm system coming down from the northern pacific and another one moving west from the Colorado Rockies were going to collide and make one giant mother humper, and leaving the vulnerable state of California smack dab in the middle of it. I almost laughed out loud to that one. I mean come on, it just doesn’t seem possible. How freaking wrong can I be? Now, I’m laying here on the freezing cold-ice-covered porch with stupid written across my forehead, while mother nature is pointing her finger and laughing at me. Oh well, at least I’m not the only one looking like an idiot right now. I better not be the only one!

Letting out a loud sigh, I grabbed the edge of the pillar beside me and slowly hoisted myself up. I felt myself hesitate. I stared long and hard at the two steps leading to the bottom of the porch. If I can’t step one little foot out onto the porch without hitting the pavement, there is no way I’ll be going down those stairs without breaking my face. I figured I could just slide myself over to my car, but then again I’m already wet and a little bit numb, so that’s a no can do.

I sucked in a deep breath and slowly stepped out with my right foot, holding on tightly to the pillar. I let out the breath I was holding when I got to the first step safely. One more step to go and about ten more feet to my car. If only I knew how to ice skate.

I finally got to my car after five minutes of taking baby steps and shockingly didn’t hit the ice once. Flinging my bag on top of my car I fiddled with my keys. I looped the key holder around my middle finger as I tried to open the door. I figured it was locked so I pressed the unlock button on my key pad and tried again. The door wouldn’t budge. I frowned and pressed the button again and tried one more time. Fail.

“What the fu--” I muttered. Sighing heavily, I clipped my keys to my jeans and grabbed a hold of the handle with both hands and pulled. After a few more failed tugs, I gave up and came to a conclusion; my damn door is frozen shut! Not good. That’s when I decided to try the other door. Unfortunately, I had to repeat the process of tug and pull, but after awhile I finally got the passenger door open. When I cracked open the door, a gigantic piece of ice slipped off the side and crashed to the ground. I snatched my bag off the hood of my car and flung it on the passenger floor. But before I could slip in and slide myself over to the drivers side, I heard a distinct sound of an engine revving. I looked up and saw a GMC Sierra pickup doing donuts in the middle of the street about a block from where I was standing. I watched as the driver struggled to get back on the road, but his wheels just couldn’t get any friction on that ice. Finally, he stopped doing donuts and was able to get down the road, but the butt of his pickup kept swaying back and forth. I blinked a few times and then lowered my gaze back down to the shattered piece of ice that had fallen off my car door.

“Oh, hell no,” I said, snatching my bag up from the floor board and closing the door back. If I would’ve driven to work today, my car would be just like that piece of ice; shattered in little bitty pieces. I don’t even know what I was thinking wanting to drive anyway. Common sense, Aaron, common sense.

I threw my bag over my shoulder as I whipped my phone out of my pocket and hit Kim’s speed dial.

“Hello?” A voice came from the other end. I cleared my throat and leaned against my car.

“Kim…I’m going to be late.”

“You too?” She laughed.

“What do you mean?”

“Scott, just called. He’s having trouble with his car. What’s your excuse?” I could hear her smiling. I smiled myself, knowing that Kim was just joking with me.

“I have to walk. I can’t get my car out of my driveway. And even if I could I wouldn’t be able to get it down the road. I literally won’t go anywhere.” I laughed.

“I understand, Aaron. Just get here safely.” Did I mention I love my boss? She’s the one person in the world who has tremendous understanding, even though she doesn’t fully understand what’s going on right now. Hell, does anyone?

“I will. See ya,” Or I won’t go at all, I thought to myself when I hung up. Seriously, this job isn’t near as important than my life and everyone in it. But I promised Kim I would be in and not to mention the risks I’m willing to face for my baby girl, so there’s no hurt in walking.

No, I lied. There is hurt in walking. My fanny’s going to be black and blue by the time this day is over.

I could go on with my day pretending that my journey to work was uneventful, but I’ll just be lying out my ass. I hit the ice a few times but fortunately I was able to stand up on my own two feet most of the way. Falling down I can handle, but uncomfortable stabbing pain against my face? Yeah, not so much. I was only a couple of blocks away from my house when it started raining and I don’t mean the liquid kind of rain, but skin slashing ice particles of rain that felt like needles hitting my face. And to think, the ice is just the tip of the iceberg. A blizzard right on top of that?? Bring on the trash can lids! I’m saying that because no one thought about owning a sled if you live in L.A.

It was a hell trying to cross Hollywood Boulevard. First off, the walk button was frozen solid and it took everything I had to break the ice around it. Second, when it was my turn to cross the street after the ’Walk’ sign flickered on, I knew the cars coming weren’t going to give me the right away. Of course, I knew they were breaking, because of the red light, but that doesn’t mean their car was going to stop. Fortunately, no single car plowed right into me as I made my way to the other side. Just a few more feet away and I’ll be safe inside the cozy little restaurant.

I scurried over to the side door of the restaurant. But before I could grab the handle, my foot hit an insanely slick piece of ice and I came down hard on my left knee.

“Son of a bitch…” I cursed, tears forming in the corners of eyes. I fell to the side and grabbed my knee and held it tightly against my chest. I took several deep breaths and tried my best to shake the pain away.

After a few minutes of sitting on the cold ice, I finally lifted myself up and pulled myself together. Carefully, I swung open the door and hobbled inside. I felt better when the aroma of Kurt’s breakfast hit my nostrils. I zipped off my coat and hung it up on the coat rack beside Kim’s old ball of fur. That’s when I noticed Scott wasn’t even here yet. That’s just freaking fantastic, I thought as I grabbed my time card and clocked myself in. I noticed the clatter of the kitchen was on a down low, which I found rather odd. I was about to head toward the kitchen to see what was up when Kim crossed my path.

“Oh good, you’re here,” She said breathlessly as she quickly put her ball of fur on. “I hate to break it to you, but Scott can’t make it in and I need to run and I don’t know when or if I’ll be back.”

“Where the hell are you going?” I gapped. Is this woman serious?

“My husband got stuck in a ditch on the way to work,” Kim said buttoning her coat. “I have to go and try to pull him out since I’m the one who has the pickup. It has an inner lock brake and four wheel drive. Let me tell you, it’s one sturdy little bitch.”

I remained quiet and just stared at her in dismay. Scott wasn’t going to be here? Then that only leaves…me?! My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open in shock, “I’m the only one here?”

Kim gave me an apologetic look. “Aaron, I’m sorry. You and Kurt are the only one’s here today. Which means you have to run the floor.”

“What?” I squeaked, “I can’t run the floor, I’ve never done it before.” I pleaded with her.

“You don’t have to worry about anything,” Kim reassured me. “Running the floor isn’t that hard, just take down orders and help Kurt get the dishes ready. Today may not be all that bad, because of the storm.”

I took a deep breath through my nose, held it, and then quickly let it loose. “Yeah, sure,” I murmured. That’s when a wave of voices filled the air. Kim and I looked at each other with wide eyes and we both moved immediately to the front of the restaurant just in time to see a whole flock of people walking in.

“Well,” Kim started. I flinched when I felt Kim put her hand on my back, “It seems like people don’t know what ‘stay home’ means. See ya,” Kim patted my shoulder and went back into the lounge of the restaurant.

“Apparently neither do I,” I grumbled, feeling the regret of coming in today. Just as I was beginning to turn around and go after Kim, a sharp pain shot through my knee that I had busted earlier.

“Kim, you cannot leave me here.” I said limping after her.

Kim turned around and gave me a warm smile, “You’ll do fine,” She then look down and noticed I was struggling to keep my balance on my good knee, “Why are you limping? Did you hurt yourself?”

I blinked, “Has anyone, today?” I said with a roll of my eyes. “Yeah, the ice and I became close friends on the way over here.”

“Well, before you get to work, get to the kitchen and get some ice for that knee. It’ll swell up like mother if you don’t.”

“Oh, I don’t need to go into the kitchen, I can go outside to get it.” I said sarcastically.

Kim sighed, “I’ll call in and check on you guys from time to time.” I nodded, silently. She gave me one last smile, before heading back outside. I growled in frustration and leaned against the wall. I closed my eyes and tried my best to relax. I found it rather difficult though. The throbbing sensation of my knee wasn’t helping in the least bit.

I walked back toward the front of the restaurant and saw that everyone who had came in earlier had taken their seats already. Most of the tables were already full and this is a fairly big restaurant. I felt my heart get wedged up in my throat as I thought how impossible this day is going to be.

I sighed and slumped my shoulders.

Did I mention that I hate my boss?