Four days later, Christmas day to be exact, found Alex, Denise and Brielle seated in his living room with the beautifully decorated Christmas tree lit and shining bright. Denise’s husband, Tony, had come in on Christmas Eve to join them which had been a nice surprise. The four had gone to the midnight mass ceremony at a church that Alex tried to visit when he wasn’t being lazy. The following morning, Denise had woken them up with the smells of bacon and pancakes, sausage and waffles. They’d had a large breakfast then migrated to the living room to open the presents.

Alex hadn’t heard from Renee, but he was expecting to shortly. She wasn’t going to give up that easily, so her silence only made him worry that she was going to attack back with a blow bigger than he could defend.

Brielle had called the lawyer of her grandfather’s will, but his office was closed and the message on the phone had said to call back on January 3rd. She made a note to remember to do that after she got in from her first day of work. When she’d informed Lily of the windfall, her friend had thought it was a joke. Then she’d encouraged the blonde to take the money and be wise in her spending. The last thing she needed to be doing was become one of those prima donna bitches that throw money around like it’s a wet rag.

That’s the last thing Brielle wanted. She had already decided to put a couple hundred grand in a savings account, or two, for her baby. That way, if something ever happened to her, her child would be taken care of. Though with Alex around, she was sure it’d always be that way. The rest of the money, Brielle still hadn’t made a decision on, but she wasn’t going to rush into anything rash. Besides, it would probably be awhile before the cash was in her hands, so she had plenty of time to think things over.

After Alex’s near admission of wanting to be in a relationship, Brielle had tried to keep things smooth between the two. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attracted to him; she knew she was, but his break with Renee was still fresh and jumping into something new right away usually ended just as bad as things had with his ex. She didn’t want to be a rebound girl and she didn’t want to ruin what they already had. They were going to have to spend the next 18 years dealing with each other and hating him was the last thing she wanted to do.

What if they got together and realized they weren’t a match? She couldn’t do something like that to her child or Alex. “But what if you realize there was never anyone else?” Lily had questioned her one night on the phone. Brielle hadn’t known what to respond with so she’d changed the subject and her friend had let it drop.

As for how Alex was dealing with being shot down, he was taking it a day at a time. With the absence of Renee in his life, he’d been doing well on ignoring the cravings for his potent poison of choice. The thing that helped the most was the kite flying, so he went out and bought one and every time that longing would appear in his chest and travel to his mouth, he’d go into the backyard and fly the kite. Gave new meaning to the phrase ‘go fly a kite’.

It didn’t stop him from still being in love with the blonde. And every day that passed, only made it that much stronger. He understood her reasoning’s, or at least he told himself he did, but it didn’t change a damn thing. He still wanted her and the little looks he’d catch her sending his way, told him she felt the same. He would wear her down; he was AJ McLean, he could do anything.

“Alright, who wants to go first?” Denise questioned from her place on the sofa, Tony seated next to her.

Brielle smiled. “How about you; after all, you are the mother.”

“I think that’s a great idea.” Alex grinned then crawled to the tree and sifted through the gifts for the right one. “Here we go.” Leaning back, he reached and passed it to Brielle who handed it to Denise.

Denise smiled. “Ooh, good job on the wrapping, son.” carefully she looked the gift over then went about pulling the paper off to get to what was inside.

Alex chuckled. “I had it gift wrapped.”

“I should have known.” She winked at him then shoved the wrapping paper into her husband’s lap and proceeded to open the white box in her hand. Inside, she found a delicate looking necklace and earring set with sparkling red rubies set in gold. “Ooh, Alex, this is beautiful.”

He smiled. “I was hoping you’d like it.”

“I do, it’s absolutely gorgeous.” Carefully, she lifted the necklace from the box and surveyed it in the light. “I love it, thank you, baby.”

He blushed slightly and ducked his head. “You’re welcome.”

Brielle grinned. “It really is beautiful. You should put it on.”

“Oh, yes.” She passed it to Tony who helped slip it around her neck and get it secured. “There.”

“It’s perfect.”

“Thank you.” Denise adjusted the chain then blew a kiss toward her son.

Alex grinned. “I’m glad you like it.” Rubbing his hands together, he eyed the occupants of the room. “Okay, who’s next?”

“It’s Brielle’s turn.” His mother pointed toward the blonde. “Grab that red one.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He did as instructed then passed the rather large box over to her. “Here you go.”

She chuckled and accepted it. “You should be wearing a Santa hat.”

“I usually have one, but Nick stole it last Christmas and I have yet to get it back.”

“Nick?”

“My bandmate. Remember, you met him the first day you and Lily were here.”

“Ooh, that Nick, right.” She nodded then looked the package over. “You guys didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Oh, hush, open it.” Denise waved a hand at her as if to say that’d be a silly thing to do.

Brielle smiled. “Okay.” Sliding her fingers under a flap of the paper, she pulled it up then began to tear along the seams where it was taped together. Once the paper was off, Brielle surveyed what the box said and her eyes widened. “You…you didn’t…” she stammered, glancing over to Denise then back to the gift in her lap.

Denise didn’t try to hide the large grin on her face. “Oh, I did so. I hope you like that kind.”

The Nikon D5000 camera that she had just unwrapped was perfect. Brielle’s old camera didn’t mount to a thing next to this baby. And she couldn’t believe Denise and Alex had gotten it for her. She almost wanted to say she couldn’t accept it, but the look on the older woman’s face kept the words at bay. Instead, she surveyed the box then wiped at the tears that were gathering in the corners of her eyes. “I love it, thank you!”

Alex grinned. “Now you’ll be able to get some really good shots of the baby.”

“And you can start up your hobby again,” Denise added.

Brielle sniffed and nodded. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed taking pictures. I can’t believe you did this.”

Small wrinkles formed around Denise’s eyes from her smile. “You deserve it, honey. After everything you’ve been through and coming out here alone. We just wanted to give you a little something.”

She nodded and surveyed the box then looked to Alex. “Thank you.”

He smiled and touched her arm. “You’re welcome.”

She caught his hand and lifted it to her cheek, holding it there for a minute. Finally, she lowered it to her lap then turned her attention onto the rest of the group. “Okay, who’s next?”

~*~*~*~*~

Two hours later, Brielle found Alex in his office. Tony had given him some new software for a program he used and he wanted to get it installed before it got pushed to the side and forgotten about.

After all the gifts had been opened, Denise and Brielle worked together to make up a lunch of lasagna and garlic toast. While it had baked, Brielle stole away to her bedroom and called Lily. She’d thanked her for the gift that her friend had sent her. A baby book and a beautiful quilt that was multicolored and could go well with either a boy or a girl.

The two talked for a bit and Brielle told her about the awesome camera Alex and Denise had gotten her. Lily told Brielle about how the wedding plans were going and what kind of things she had coming up. They’d picked a date; August 20th, and both the ceremony and reception were going to be held at The Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers. Which was probably one of the nicest places in New York to have a wedding.

After they’d finally said their goodbye’s, Brielle had taken a nap, woke and showered again because the muscles in her lower back were sore, then gone off in search of Alex. Hence, her ending up in his office as he worked on his computer.

“What’s up?” He questioned as he leaned back in his chair and pulled the reading glasses from his face. He hated them, but if he didn’t wear them while reading or working on the computer, he’d get one bitch of a headache.

“Um,” she shifted on her feet, her hands behind her back, “I have something for you.”

“What’s that?”

Brielle withdrew her arms and held a medium sized, gift box toward him. “This.”

“Another present? You already got me something.” He was referring to the nice, leather wallet she had given him.

“I know,” she gave a simple shrug, “but I wanted to give you this and I didn’t think it was something your mom or stepdad needed to see.”

Alex’s brows rose. “Ooh, is this porn?”

“What?” She laughed and her cheeks blushed slightly. “No! I would never give you porn; especially as a gift.”

“Damn.” He chuckled then proceeded to slit the tape holding the box together and lifted the lid. Peering inside, he pushed the tissue paper aside to reveal a tan, leather bound journal. It had that aged look and style but just one look and it was obviously brand new. “A journal?” He lifted his gaze to Brielle.

“Um, yeah,” she fidgeted with the bottom of her shirt in a nervous manner, “I…well, I know that you’ve been going through a lot of stuff and,” a shrug, “and I thought that maybe…writing out your thoughts and feelings might help you cope better.”

He looked between the journal and her. “Like keep a diary?”

“Well, sort of, except it’s a journal. I thought diaries were kind of girlie, so I made sure it didn’t have a lock or a code to get into it.”

Alex chuckled. “That’s very true.”

“I don’t know how into writing your feelings out you are, but I thought you might could look at it like…your past is already written and now is your chance to write your future. It can be anything you want it to be, Alex.”

He stilled at that and studied the journal, smoothing his thumb over the cover. “You are a very wise woman,” he spoke softly after a long moment.

She blushed. “Thank you. I just really want you to be okay. I know we haven’t known each other for very long…but um,” her hands were fiddling with her shirt again, “I care about you a lot and I don’t want to see you in pain or upset about anything. Maybe writing would help.”

“I…” he stopped and rubbed his head then set the box with the journal onto his desk. Pushing the chair back, he rose from it and moved around his desk to where she stood. “Thank you.” Then he pulled her into his arms and hugged her close.

The journal was a great idea. Back when he’d been in rehab, he had kept a journal and wrote it in nearly every day. Once back out into the real world, Alex had tried to keep at it but things just became too busy and sooner than later, it was forgotten. He had come across it while clearing his old place out when he was moving and tossed it. But what Brielle had just relayed to him stirred something and he knew her words were right.

She smiled and returned the hug, resting her head against his chest. The gift idea had come to her the day they’d first gone kite flying and on Wednesday, she’d snuck away from Denise while they shopped and purchased it with the bit of money she had left over from some earlier gift buying. She was just glad he’d liked the idea and hadn’t balked or made her feel the fool.

Smoothing her hair then kissing her head, he pulled back and met her gaze. “I think the journal is really gonna help.”

“I hope so.”

Smiling, he kissed her forehead then pulled back. “So, have you got your camera set up yet?”

“Not yet,” she thumbed toward the doorway, “I’m about to go do that now.”

“I woulda thought you’d do that first thing.”

Her shoulders shrugged. “I was gonna, but then I talked to Lily and took a nap then showered and now here I am.”

His brows drew together. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just my lower back is sore.” Her hands reached back and smoothed over the area.

“What?” He frowned then gently turned her around and ran his hands over it. “Here?” When she nodded, he began to gently massage the area. “I’m sorry, is it painful?”

“No, just sore, but that feels really good.” She sighed and ducked her head.

His fingers kneaded her back. “Good. Maybe we should get you a heating pad.”

“I don’t think it’s that bad.”

“Couldn’t hurt.” He smoothed his hands up her back and massaged along her spine. “Though, is that safe? We should check first.”

“I know hot tubs aren’t safe.”

“We’ll have to find out about heating pads.”

Brielle opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off when the phone on Alex’s desk gave a ring.

“Hold that thought.” He squeezed her shoulders then reached over and grabbed it up, lifting it to his ear. “Hello?” He was expecting it to be his aunt or cousin or maybe even one of the guys, but when Renee’s father’s voice greeted him, he knew it wasn’t going to be good.

“I hope you’re happy!” He practically yelled over the line.

Alex jerked at the tone of his voice. “Excuse me?”

“I said, I hope you’re happy, McLean!”

“Um, I heard that, but what are you saying it to me about?”

Charles Kemp gave an angry sound in his throat. “What you have done to my daughter.”

Alex glanced over to where Brielle was watching with a curious expression. There was no doubt she had heard the angry tone through the receiver. Renee’s father was yelling so loud he was sure his mother could probably hear it. “Um, Mr. Kemp, I haven’t done anything to your daughter. I can’t marry her and I’m sorry you feel so angry about that, that you are calling me up and screaming at me.”

“This isn’t about the engagement,” he spat out. “This is about your child!”

Immediately his heart skipped a beat. “Um…what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about your child, Alexander. Because of your decisions, Renee has lost the baby. I hope you’re happy.”

A strange pressure filled his chest. “Say…say what?”

“You heard me; you killed your own child, Alex. How’s that feel?”

He had to grab for his desk for support, his legs suddenly felt like rubber. He couldn’t be hearing Mr. Kemp correctly. This wasn’t really happening. “Um..I…”

“Yeah, don’t have much to say about that, now, do you?”

“I…” he choked out and sat down hard in the chair next to him. The temperature in the room had gone up about ten degrees and he felt like his lungs were squeezing, making it difficult to breathe. “Are…um…you…are you sure?”

“You think I’m lying? Why in hell would I lie about something like that? Renee is torn up about it and neither her mother nor I can make any sense of anything she’s saying.”

“I…when…when did this happen?” He glanced over to see Brielle next to his chair. She reached and smoothed a hand over his back and he welcomed her touch. Her hand felt cool against the hot skin, even through the shirt he was wearing.

“Yesterday. And she’s been asking for you.”

As much as he may not have wanted to see her, he knew he had no choice. “Okay, I’m um…I’ll be over there in a bit.”

“Good, because you’re the one that should be handling the situation; it was your child.”

A sharp pain began in his chest, similar to what being stabbed by an ice pick might feel like. Not that he’d know of course. “I’m…um…thank you for letting me know,” was all he could manage out before the receiver fell from his hand to the desk and he leaned forward with his face in his hands.

Brielle reached and hung the phone up for him then smoothed her hand to his back again. “What happened?” She questioned softly.

“Renee lost the baby.” He lifted his head and rubbed at his eyes. They were stinging, but he wouldn’t let himself cry, at least not yet.

She gasped. “Oh, Alex.”

“I know.” He cleared his throat then rose to his feet and smoothed his shirt some. “I have to go over there.”

“Of course you do. Gosh, that poor girl. Do you need me to do anything?”

Alex studied his computer, chewing at the inside of his cheek. “Um, yeah, don’t,” he turned to her and their eyes met, “don’t tell my mom…not yet. I…I want to talk to Renee first.”

She quickly nodded her head. “I won’t. I’ll tell her you went to see a friend.” That wouldn’t be a lie. Not completely anyway.

“Thank you.” He stared at her a moment longer then seemed to snap from his daze and grabbed up his cell phone. “I’ll be home later then.”

“Take all the time you need.”

“Right. I’ll um…be back later.” Pocketing his phone, he moved to her and kissed her cheek then slipped from the room.

Brielle watched him go then sank down into the chair, smoothing a hand over the small bump in her tummy. What a horrible thing to have happen and for someone to have to go through. She wasn’t much of a fan of Renee, but she wouldn’t wish something like that on anyone. And poor Alex. The situation he was in was going to make it very difficult for the two of them to come together and work through it. She hoped they could though; no one should have to go through something like that alone.

~*~*~*~*~

Alex climbed the steps to Renee’s porch with heavy feet. The entire drive over he’d done nothing but think about what he could have done different so this hadn’t of happened. Maybe he should have waited to end things, or if he’d spent more time with her, or not yelled at her and gotten her so upset. And now, because he was such a moron, she had miscarried their baby. She would never forgive him and he felt sick to his stomach at having to face her.

Renee’s father opened the door after he rang the bell and led the younger man into the house. Renee’s mother, Amelia Kemp, was in the kitchen and Charles led Alex into the room. Amelia was as elegant as Charles was large. She had hair as dark as her daughter’s and always wore it swept up into some twist. Her vivid eyes were a deep brown and her skin perfectly tanned. She never wore anything other than designer brands and Alex didn’t think he’d ever seen her looking anything less than perfect.

She greeted him coolly, her long, thin fingers wrapped around the stem of a wineglass.

Alex could feel the tension in the room and tiny sweat beads began to form across his forehead. “Um, how’s she doing?” He questioned, diving right in to the point and trying to avoid any uncomfortable small talk.

“How do you think she’s doing, Alex?” Amelia frowned. “She lost her child.”

He winced. “Um…I…what happened?”

Charles sighed. “She was supposed to come to our place today for Christmas dinner. When she didn’t show up and didn’t answer her phone, I came over to see what was up and found her in the middle of the living room floor in tears. I called her mother and we managed to get out what had happened. Then I called you.”

“And it happened yesterday?”

“Yes.”

He swallowed hard then rubbed the back of his neck. “Did she…was there…um…”

“She was alone,” her mother answered the question for him, as if reading his mind. “She had to go through the entire thing alone, because you refused to have anything to do with her.”

His brows furrowed. “I did not. I just…” he sighed, “I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Kemp, but your daughter and I don’t belong together. I was still going to do everything I could for her and the baby.”

“Yeah, well, you won’t have to worry about that now.”

The look on her father’s face made him want to retreat into his shell. “I’m sorry this happened.”

Amelia huffed and looked away from him, her fingers tightening around the wineglass.

Charles sighed and smoothed a hand over his wife’s back. “Anyway, she’s been asking for you. The least you could do is go sit with her a spell.”

“Of course. Is she in her room?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.” With a sigh, he slipped from the room and headed for the stairs. Things were never going to be the same between him and Renee’s parents again. But could he blame them; he’d had a big hand in sending his unborn child to the grave.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Alex was dreading the moment he saw Renee, but wanting to get it over with at the same time. He didn’t want her screaming at him, throwing objects and trying to claw his eyes out. But what he found wasn’t anything like he expected.

Renee was lying in the bed dressed in some blue plaid pajama pants and a blue tee. The covers were haphazardly strewn about the bed and covering her legs. Her normally piercing green eyes seemed so lifeless and rimmed with red and blotches from the after effects of her tears were on her cheeks.

“Hey,” he gently greeted her, pausing in the doorway.

Renee looked in his direction and their eyes met. “Hey,” she managed out after a moment.

He felt his heart twisting and pain in his chest. What did one say in a situation like this? ‘How are you’ didn’t seem like the right thing. Obviously, she wasn’t okay. Wetting his bottom lip, he slowly moved fully into the room. “Can I get you anything?”

The brunette shook her head, reaching and tugging the covers up and over her chest. “No.”

“You sure?”

She nodded then patted the spot next to her.

Wordlessly, Alex sank down beside her. “I’m sorry, babe,” he reached over and brushed some hair from her face, “I’m so very sorry.”

Something flashed in her eyes but then faded away and she shifted her body until she could rest her head in his lap.

He sighed then began smoothing his fingers through her hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“What’s there to say? I lost my baby,” her voice broke and she pressed her face into his legs.

“I know and I’m so sorry, Renee.”

“I doubt it. You’re probably relieved. Now you don’t have to worry about two baby mamas or me keeping you from your child.”

He frowned at her words. “I may not think that marrying you was the right thing to do, but I never would have wished something like this on you…on anyone. It was my baby too.”

“You didn’t act like it was.” She lifted her head and sat up, brushing dark locks from her face.

“I know and I’m sorry about that.” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I…it was a lot for me to handle and I felt like I was being spread so thin.”

“Then you should have talked to me about it instead of breaking up with me.” Tears were forming in her eyes and she turned away from him. “You made me so upset and the doctor said the stress is what…what made me,” her voice began wavering and she covered her face with her hands, “lose my baby.”

He felt the punch to his gut. “God, baby, I’m so sorry.” Reaching over, he gently pulled her into his arms and held her close, rocking her back and forth. She trembled against him and he realized that his arms were shaking as well. This was all his fault and he’d be going straight to hell for it.

Finally, after she had thoroughly dampened his shirt, she pulled away and shifted back down onto the bed, lying with her back to him and facing the opposite wall.

Alex rubbed the back of his neck. “Can you tell me what happened?”

She cleared her throat. “It was yesterday. I wasn’t feeling well, but just thought it was because I hadn’t eaten and was too depressed to,” she paused and he felt another twist of guilt to his gut. “That’s when I noticed the blood…down there.”

He closed his eyes, his head leaning back against the headboard. “What did you do?” It came out in a whisper because he didn’t have the strength to speak any louder.

“I freaked out and knew something horrible was happening.” Shifting to her back, she turned to face him. “So, I drove myself to the hospital.”

His head snapped up at that and he forced his eyes open. “You drove yourself?”

“Yeah, I …I didn’t want to have to wait for anyone. I didn’t know how long it’d take and I knew I just needed to get to the hospital.”

“You should have called me.”

“You wouldn’t have been able to do anything. The…the doctor said I was already losing the baby.” Tears glistened in her eyes again.

“Did you bring yourself home?”

She sniffed. “No, a friend brought me home. And I just…collapsed on the floor and that’s where my parents found me.”

“Oh, Renee,” his hand reached out and smoothed over her cheek, “I am so sorry.” She should have called him, he could have helped her. He could have done something, anything. Instead, she’d lost their baby and he felt completely useless. It was all his fault. All of it, every single part. If he hadn’t been such a hot head, she might still have the baby. If only he’d taken care of her like he’d taken care of Brielle. But it was too late for any of that, and he wasn’t sure if she was ever going to forgive him. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to forgive himself.

~*~*~*~*~

Hours later, Alex had finally slipped away from Renee. Her father had brought in a sedative and she’d fallen asleep. Hopefully she’d sleep the entire night without nightmares. Alex had told Charles that he would call her on Sunday then he’d made haste as quickly as possible. Mr. Kemp scared him and he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of the brute of a man’s fist.

Not ready to go back home and face Brielle and his mother, he’d ended up at an old regular of his, somewhere he used to frequent quite often back in the day. The neon lights illuminated the parking lot as the dark surrounded him and he stared at the sign. Indulgence still looked the same it had many years ago, except he was sure the faces had changed. But the environment, the women and the drinks were the same. And that’s what he so desperately needed.

Alex needed something to help him forget, something to ease the hurt in his chest and numb the pain. And no kite or even a journal could do that at the moment. Nothing but forgetting who he was and what a fuck up he always had been. Some things never changed and that was one of them.

He’d lost his baby and Renee had to live with that for the rest of her life. That was a weight he couldn’t shoulder and so he made a decision. Cutting off the engine, he withdrew the keys then stepped from the SUV. It was time to go forget.